An Introduction to Adlerian Play Therapy

Partners in Play: An Introduction to Adlerian
Play Therapy
Terry Kottman, Ph.D., NCC, RPT-S, LMHC
Georgia State University Play Therapy Training Institute
June 19, 2015
INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOLOGY: BASIC CONCEPTS
1.
People are socially embedded, and they have a need to belong.
2.
People are self-determining and creative.
3.
All behavior is goal-directed.
4.
Reality is perceived subjectively.
5.
People are unique, integrated units and cannot
be separated into distinct parts.
Lifestyle: general orientation to life; person's characteristic way of operating in a social field;
the world and the behavior based on those convictions. Lifestyle is comprised of a person's beliefs
about self, others, and the world, and the behaviors based on those beliefs. Children form their
lifestyles before 6 or 8; they observe interactions and reactions, make evaluations about self-worth and
judgements about the best ways to belong and gain significance. They are excellent observers, but
they may not always interpret accurately.
Feelings of Inferiority: everybody's got them!!
Social Interest: sense of connectedness to other people and to humankind; belongingness in the
community of humans.
Maladjustment: discouragement resulting from the inability to find a useful way of belonging,
poor social interest, being overwhelmed by feelings of inferiority, and or mistaken beliefs about self,
others, and the world.
1
Toys Needed for Adlerian Play Therapy
You will need to have certain kinds of toys for children to be able to fully express their ideas and
issues. The following are categories of toys that are important to have in your play room:
Scary toys: Children use these toys to deal with their fears, both reality-based and
fantasy-based. This category would include toys like snakes, roaches,
rats, plastic monsters, dragons, dinosaurs, wolf and bear puppets, etc.
Family/nurturing toys: Children use these toys to explore
family relationships, events that happen with parents and siblings, and
for nurturing issues. This category wold include toys like a doll house,
a doll family, people puppets, animal families, kitchen ware, baby
bottles, babies, etc.
Aggressive toys: Children use these toys to express feelings
of anger and fear, to learn to symbolically act out their aggression, to
protect themselves from threats, and explore issues of power and
control. This category would include toys like a punching bag, weapons (including both guns and
knives), handcuffs, a hammer and nails or other tools for pounding, toy soldiers, a pillow and bat,
etc.
Expressive toys: Children use these to explore relationships, express feelings, symbolically
work out problems and solutions, and express creativity. This category would include crayons,
scissors, markers, newsprint, glue, play dough, paints (finger and tempera), an easel, etc.
Pretend/fantasy toys: Children use these toys to explore different roles, express hidden
feelings, try out alternative behaviors, pretend to be someone else, act out situations that occur
outside the play room, and use fantasy to explore relationships and communicate important ideas
metaphorically. This category would include items such as masks, hats, jewelry, purses, disguises,
a telephone, a doctor kit, sand box, a white sheet, zoo and farm animals, and building materials, etc.
Books, Games, and Toy Catalogs
The Self-Esteem Shop, 4607 North Woodward, Royal Oak, MI 48073 (800) 251-8336
Child Therapy Toys www.childtherapytoys.com
Chinaberry Book Services 800-776-2242 www.Chinaberry.com
Constructive Playthings
(214) 418-1860
www.constplay.com/family/default.htm
Creative Therapy Store, WPS, 12031 Wilshire Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90025
Magic Cabin Dolls
1-888-623-6557
www.magiccabin.com
Rose Play Therapy Toys
800-713-2252 www.roseplaytherapy.net
U.S. Toy www.ustoy.com
www.selfesteemshop.com
Terry Kottman The Encouragement Zone
1117 Washington St. Cedar Falls, IA 50613
(319) 266-0887 [email protected] www.encouragementzone.com
2
Process of Adlerian Play Therapy
I. Building an egalitarian relationship
A. Initial meeting with the parents
B. Meeting the child
C. "What did your parents tell you about coming here?"
D. Demystifying the counseling process for the child
E. Tracking behavior
F. Restating content
G. Reflecting feelings
H. Encouraging
I. Giving explanations and answering questions
J. Asking questions
K. Returning responsibility to the child
L. Using the child’s metaphor
M. Interacting actively with the child
N. Whisper technique
O. Metacommunicating
P. Cleaning the room together
Q. Setting limits (4 steps)
1. States limit in a non-judgmental manner
2. Reflects feelings and/or makes guess about purpose
3
3. Helps child to generate alternatives
4. Helps child to generate logical consequences, comes to agreement with
child about those consequences, and follows through with consequences (This step
is only necessary if child continues unacceptable behavior.)
II. Exploration of child's lifestyle
A. Examining goals of misbehavior/purposes
B. Exploring Crucial Cs
C. Exploring personality priorities
D. Exploring life tasks
E. Exploring family atmosphere
F. Exploring family constellation
G. Exploring client’s assets
H. Soliciting early recollections
I. Formulating hypotheses about lifestyle convictions
1. "I am.../I must be.../I should be...”
2. "Others are.../others must be/others should..."
3. "The world is.../life is.../life must be..."
4. "Based on these convictions, I must/should ..."
J. Understanding the client’s private logic
K. Treatment planning
III. Helping client gain insight into lifestyle
A. Metacommunicating
1. Metacommunicating about a single event/behavior
2. Metacommunicating about the meaning of a specific event/behavior
3. Metacommunicating about a pattern within or across sessions
4. Metacommunicating about a lifestyle theme
4
B. Using metaphors
1, Using the child’s metaphors
2. Generating therapeutic metaphors
3. Mutual storytelling
4. Creative characters
5. Shared stories
6. Bibliotherapy
C. Directed activities designed to help child gain insight
1. Art activities
2. Music activities
3. Movement and dance
4. Role playing
5. Adventure therapy techniques
6. Sand tray activities
D. Connecting play room behavior to real world
IV. Reorientation/reeducation
A. Helping child generate alternative behaviors for
outside the play room
B. Teaching new behaviors for outside the play room
C. Practicing new behaviors for outside the play room
D. Encouraging
“We’re all in this together!”
5
V. Parent and Teacher Consultation (simultaneously working with children)
A. Build a relationship
1. Listen to their story, reflect feelings, paraphrase, summarize, ask clarifying
questions.
2. Talk about stakes in the ground.
B. Explore the lifestyle of the adults AND their perceptions of the child’s
lifestyle AND explore the interaction of the 2.
C. Help parents/teachers gain insight into their own lifestyle, the child’s lifestyle,
and the interaction between their lifestyle and the child’s lifestyle.
D. Reorientation/reeducation with parents and/or teachers.
1. Teach Adlerian concepts (goals of misbehavior; Crucial Cs; personality
priorities; reproving what we already believe about self, others, and
the world; needing to belong; needing boundaries and structure).
2. With parents, teach parenting skills (adjusting to different
personality priorities, fostering Crucial Cs, differential responses depending
on the goal of misbehavior, paying attention to goals of behavior, fostering
mastery of life tasks, helping children move to more positive manifestation
of personality priorities, encouragement, cgiving limited choices,
communication skills, natural and logical consequences, reflective listening,
problem ownership, st not doing things for children they can do for
themselves akes in the ground, creating boundaries and setting up structure,
being consistent, following through, encouragement, spending positive time
with children, setting up compliance, having fun, encouragement).
3. With parents, talk about issues that could be interfering with parenting
and family relationships (personality priorities, personal problems/family of
origin issues, marital problems).
4. With teachers, make suggestions about refining classroom management
skills if needed (adjusting to different personality priorities, fostering
Crucial Cs, differential responses depending on the goal of misbehavior,
paying attention to goals of behavior, fostering mastery of life tasks,
helping children move to more positive manifestation of personality
priorities, encouragement, giving limited choices, not doing things for
children they can do for themselves, communication skills, natural and
logical consequences, reflective listening, problem ownership, stakes in
the ground, creating boundaries and setting up structure, being
consistent, following through, encouragement, spending positive time
with children, setting up compliance, having fun, encouragement).
5. With teachers (if appropriate), talk about issues that could be interfering
with relationships with child and other people in the school.
6
Personality Priorities
Personality priorities constitute the most important aspect in a person's striving for belonging.
Each of the 4 possible priorities (Comfort, Pleasing, Control, and Superiority) has positive factors
and negative factors. In order to recognize the person's personality priority, the counselor
examines his or her personal reaction to the client, the client's complaints, what the client is
striving to achieve in life, the client's assets, and the aspects of life the client wishes to avoid.
COMFORT
Striving to achieve: Comfort, pleasure, ease, being pampered
Wishes to avoid: Stress, expectations, work, responsibility
Reaction of others: Irritation, boredom, impatient with lack of productivity
Assets: Easy going, few demands, minds own business, peaceful, gets along
with other, predictable, mellow, empathic, understanding
Price paid: Underachievement, doesn't get things done, undervalued
************************************************************************
PLEASING
Striving to achieve: Please others; meet the needs of others
Wishes to avoid: Rejection; other people's anger or unhappiness
Reaction of others: Pleased at first, but later annoyed by demands for approval
Assets: Friendly, thoughtful, volunteers, follows rules, nice, reliable, helpful,
responsible
Price paid: Not getting own needs met, worry about others’
expectations
********************************************************
CONTROL (2 subtypes--(a) control of self and (b) control of everything)
Striving to achieve: Control self, others, situations
Wishes to avoid: Humiliation, surprises, being "out of control"
Reaction of others: Feel challenged, tense, angry, frustrated
Assets: Strong leader, organized, productive, assertive, persistent, responsible
Price paid: Lacks spontaneity & intimacy, may have diminished creativity and fun
**********************************************************************
SUPERIORITY (2 subtypes--(a) achievers and (b) out-doers
Striving to achieve: Being more competent, more right, more useful, more good, more
smart, better than others
Wishes to avoid: Meaningless, feelings of inferiority
Reaction of others: Feel inadequate, inferior, competitive
Assets: High levels of achievement and social interest, knowledgeable, idealistic, tries
hard, persistent, perfectionistic
Price paid: Feeling over-worked, over-involved, over-responsible, overwhelmed
Adapted from Dewey, E. (1978). Basic applications of Adlerian psychology for
self-understanding and human relationships. Coral Springs, FL: CMTI Press.
7
Parental Concerns
COMFORT (turtle)
* their kids are a lot of trouble or work
* they did not expect parenting to be this difficult
* the school is not doing enough for their child
* school personnel are too demanding
* they are feeling pressure from others about their parenting or their child
PLEASING (chameleon)
* they can never please their child
* their child is always angry with them
* their child hurts their feelings
* others are critical, telling them that they are spoiling their child
* their child does not listen to them
* school personal are difficult to please or disapproving of them
* they just want peace at home
CONTROL (eagle)
* their child is out-of-control
* their child doesn’t do what they tell him/her to do
* the school is just not strict enough
* school personnel are always telling them what to do
* they know exactly what to do, and it would work if everyone would cooperate with them
* they don’t want anyone telling them what to do
SUPERIORITY (lion)
* their child is not living up to their standards
* they are the expert on....... (you name it)
* they have worked really hard to be a good parent and...
* they have these qualifications.....
* compared to other children, their child is (better or worse) in these ways
* the school needs to do more for their child
* the school doesn’t recognize them for their efforts
From: Kottman, T., & Meany-Walen, K. (in press). Partners in
play: An Adlerian approach to play therapy (3rd ed.).
Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.
8
Customizing Consultation with Parents
COMFORT (turtle)
* make sure to keep things simple
* do not overwhelm them with assignments or recommendations
* give them a lot of positive attention for their ability to go-with-the-flow
* do not pressure them to make changes or move faster than they wish
* explain that your suggestions will make life easier for them
* try to incorporate family fun in suggestions/requests
PLEASING (chameleon)
* be very clear and concrete in your recommendations
* give them lots of encouragement for efforts, progress, etc.
* make sure they know they are pleasing you/always follow up
* acknowledge them for courage when they cannot please others
* recognize that doing things that might not please others is difficult
* explain that children do want limits and structure
CONTROL (eagle)
* be indirect with suggestions, ensuring that they do not feel like you are
trying to control them
* teach them to give kids limited choices
* resist following up on suggestions
* recognize that they feel anxious when they are not in control
* teach them that they do not win when they are in power struggles
SUPERIORITY (lion)
* acknowledge their expertise
* stress their parenting assets
* make suggestions in the context that “this will make you an even better parent
* avoid getting into struggles about who knows more
* give them lots of things to read and discuss
* acknowledge that they have followed through (let them brag)
9
Teacher Concerns When the Personality Priority of the Teacher Is:
COMFORT (turtles)
* the kids in their class are a lot of trouble or work
* they did not expect teaching to be this difficult/stressful
* you are not doing enough for them
* the administration and/or parents are too demanding
* they are feeling pressure from others about their teaching
PLEASING (chameleons)
* they can never please the children/parents/administration/you
* others (co-workers, administration) are always angry with them
* others hurt their feelings
* others are critical, telling them that they are too disorganized, easy etc.
* nobody listens to them
* others are difficult to please or disapproving of them
* they just want peace
CONTROL (eagles)
* their classroom/the school is out-of-control
* the children in their class don’t do what they tell them to do
* the school is just not strict enough
* other school personnel are always telling them what to do
* they know exactly what to do, and it would work if everyone would
cooperate with them
* they don’t want anyone telling them what to do (including you...)
SUPERIORITY (lions)
* the children in their class are not living up to their standards
* they are the expert on....... (you name it)
* they have worked really hard to be a good teacher and...
* they have these qualifications.....
* compared to other classrooms, their classroom is (better or worse) in these ways
* the school (administration, you) doesn’t recognize them for their efforts
10
Consulting with Teachers When the Personality Priority of the Teacher is:
COMFORT (turtles)
* make sure to keep things simple
* do not overwhelm them with assignments or recommendations
* give them a lot of positive attention for their ability to
go-with-the-flow
* do not pressure them to make changes or move faster than they wish
* explain that your suggestions will make life easier for them
* try to incorporate fun in suggestions/requests
PLEASING (chameleons)
* be very clear and concrete in your recommendations
* give them lots of encouragement for efforts, progress, etc.
* make sure they know they are pleasing you/always follow up
* acknowledge them for courage when they cannot please others
* recognize that doing things that might not please others is difficult
* explain that children do want limits and structure
CONTROL (eagles)
* be indirect with suggestions, ensuring that they do not feel like you are trying to control
them
* teach them to give kids limited choices
* resist following up on suggestions
* recognize that they feel anxious when they are not in control
* teach them that they do not win when they are in power struggles
SUPERIORITY (lions)
* acknowledge their expertise
* stress their parenting assets
* make suggestions in the context that “this will make you an even better parent
* avoid getting into struggles about who knows more
* give them lots of things to read and discuss
* acknowledge that they have followed through (let them brag)
11
Goals of Misbehavior
Child’s Goal
Child’s
Feeling
Child’s
Actions
Active
Child’s
Actions
Passive
Adult’s
Feelings
Child’s
Reactions
Attention
I only count
when I am
being
noticed or
served.
bothers
others
shows off
minor
mischief
class clown
needy
shy
uptight
“I can’t”
messy
anxious
lazy
vain
clingy
Annoyed
I only count
when I am
dominating or
when you do
what I want.
You cannot
control me.
argues
contradicts
tantrums
dishonest
defiant
power
struggle
disrespectful
lazy
stubborn
disobedient
“forgets”
does little or
no work
passive
aggressive
Anger
Temporary
halt of
behavior when
given
attention, but
later resumes
behavior
wants to #1
too helpful
Escalates
asks questions
behavior when
punished;
works harder
to be the
boss, show you
cannot be the
boss
People hurt
me. I can’t
be liked. I
need to push
others away
to stay safe.
malicious
violent
bad loser
cruel
steals
wets bed
hurts others
bully
moody
pouty
threatens
withdraws
Hurt
I can’t do
anything
right, so I
won’t try to
do anything at
all. I am not
capable, and I
don’t count.
suicide
won’t try
gives up
wants to be
alone
dis-couraged
Helpless
Power
Revenge
Proving
Inadequacy
coaxes
reminds
involved
attentive
busy
challenged
preachy
threatened
provoked
wants to get
even; wants to
withdraw
does not know
what to do
and may give
up
Becomes even
more hurtful
and escalates
pushing others
away
Feels even
worse.
Stops even
small efforts.
Adapted from: Pepper, F.C. (198). Why children misbehave. Individual Psychology, 17, 19-37. Original concept from
Dreikurs, R., & Soltz, V. (1964). Children: The challenge. New York: Hawthorne/Dutton.
12
Different Types of Power Children--Backgrounds and Play Therapy Approaches
Children with Too Little Power--Do not have age-appropriate control in their lives. May be
overprotected or have parents who have a need to control others. These children
do not get to make any decisions for themselves. They believe that the only way
they can have any sense of control in their own lives is to "steal" power from
others--by getting into power struggles.
In play therapy, the counselor starts the relationship by letting the child
control everything in the play room without having to have to "steal" the control.
The counselor "gives" the child power by letting the child make all the decisions,
returning the responsibility to the child, using the whisper technique to empower
the child, etc. As the child learns to trust the counselor and to feel comfortable
having control without having to "steal" it, the counselor begins to introduce the
idea that they can share power without the child being disenfranchised. In this
process, sometimes the counselor controls the direction of the session and
sometimes the child does. This gives the child the experience of sharing power with an adult in a safe
environment. In parent consultation, the counselor teaches parents to share power with the child by giving
limited choices and letting the child take some household responsibility.
Children with Too Much Power--May be pampered children or parentified children. In a pampering
family, parents let the child run the family. Many times, pampered children believe that they have the
"right" to control themselves and others. In a parentifying family, parents have abdicated power and
responsibility and given them to one or more of the children. Many times, children whose parents are
alcoholics, drug addicts, or mentally ill have too much power. These children believe that the only way for
them to be safe is to be in control of every situation. They do not trust adults to take care of them, so
they try to grab power from others in order to keep safe.
In play therapy, the counselor working with a child with too much power will establish the idea of
power-sharing from the very beginning of the relationship. These children need to know that they cannot
always control every situation and other people. They also need to know that this is not necessary for them
to be safe. In order to establish this idea, the counselor will ask the child to take turns making decisions
and deciding on the direction of the play sessions.
In parent consultation, the counselor will help to empower parents by teaching parenting skills and
working on parental or marital issues that interfere with the parent(s) assuming age-appropriate power and
control.
Children from Chaotic, Out-of-Control Families--Family is chaotic--no one is in charge. Children
grasp at power and control because life is always out-of-control. Grabbing power is the only way for them
to feel safe. In play therapy--the counselor will use a similar strategy to that with children with too little
power--try to empower them. The counselor may also need to teach survival skills appropriate to their
family situations.
Many times, these parents are unable or unwilling to participate in parent consultation and/or unable
to make necessary changes. However, it is important to try to teach them parenting skills and help them
deal with any personal or marital issues that are contributing to the chaotic family atmosphere.
(3
rd
Kottman, T., & Meany-Walen, K. (in press). Partners in play: An Adlerian approach to play therapy
ed.). Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.
13
THE CRUCIAL Cs
In order to survive and flourish, children must master each of the Crucial Cs:
COURAGE--Children need courage--the willingness to face life’s tasks and take risks even when they do
not know if they can succeed. Children with courage feel hopeful. They are willing to take
risks and believe they can handle challenging situations. They are resilient.
Children who do not have courage feel inferior to others and inadequate. They do not take
risks and tend to give up without trying. They frequently avoid challenges.
CONNECT--Children need to connect with others. Those who do connect with others, feel secure,
are able to cooperate, and can reach out and make friends. They believe that they belong.
Children who do not have the skills necessary to connect will feel isolated and insecure. They may
seek attention (usually in negative, self-destructive ways) in order to feel that they have a place in a
group or the family.
CAPABLE--Children need to feel that they are competent and capable of caring for themselves. Those
who do feel capable, have a sense of competence, self-control, and self-discipline. They are
self-reliant and assume responsibility for themselves and for their behavior. They believe they
can do whatever they set their minds to doing.
Children who do not feel capable, frequently feel inadequate and frequently try
to control others or let others know that they cannot be controlled. They
frequently become dependent on others or seek to overpower others.
COUNT--Children need to feel that they are significant--that they count. Those
who feel that they count believe that they make a difference in the world and
that they contribute in some way to others around them. They feel valuable and
valued, and they believe that they matter.
Children who do not feel as though they count feel insignificant. This belief is painful to them,
and they may react to their feelings of hurt by trying to hurt others. Many children who feel
that they don’t count develop poor self-esteem and may give up, try to intimidate others, or
overcompensate by acting superior. Other children feel that they only count “if”--their sense
of significance is conditional.
Ideas adapted from: Lew, A., & Bettner, B.L. (1998). Responsibility in the classroom: A teacher’s guide
to understanding and motivating students AND A parent’s guide to motivating children.
Newton Center, MA: Connexions Press.
14
Adlerian Play Therapy Life Style Conceptualization
Functioning at Life Tasks: (can use scaling to indicate how well client is functioning at
each life task)
School-Friendship-Love/Family-Self-Spirituality/existential-Family Constellation/Psychological Birth Order Position and how the child’s perception
of this has affected his/her life style:
Family Atmosphere (including parent(s)’ life styles and parenting styles) and how the
child’s perception of this has affected his/her life style:
Early recollections (themes) and what they tell you about the child’s life style:
15
Goal(s) of Misbehavior--manifested in what behavior/how parents deal with problems:
Assessment of Crucial Cs: (can use scaling to indicate functioning)
Connect-Capable-Count-Courage-Personality Priorities (of child and of parents--how do they interact with one
another?):
Assets:
Life Style Convictions: (* those that are mistaken beliefs/faulty convictions)
I am/I must be...
Others are/others must be....
The world is/life is ...
Based on these convictions/perceptions/beliefs/feelings, my behavior must be...
Private Logic (how did the client get from convictions to behavior?):
16
Adlerian Play Therapy Treatment Plan--Child
Assets you want to encourage:
Functioning at life tasks that needs readjusting/balancing:
Crucial Cs/Goals of Misbehavior/Personality Priorities that need readjusting:
Mistaken beliefs/faulty convictions (self/others/the world/life) need readjusting:
Self-defeating/useless behavior you want to change: (put an * by those needed
immediately that you want to prioritize)
Skills the child needs to learn:
Prioritized goals for the child:
Strategies for achieving those goals:
Progress measured by:
17
Adlerian Play Therapy Conceptualization/Treatment Plan—Parent(s)
Personality Priorities and Crucial Cs:
Strategies for consultation:
Assets you want to encourage:
Life style elements (e.g., mistaken beliefs, struggles with Crucial Cs and/or personality
priorities, beliefs/rules about parenting, etc.) that may interfere with parenting
success:
New information (i.e., regarding their child’s lifestyle, the interaction between their
own lifestyle and their child’s lifestyle, child development, challenges faced by their
child, etc.) that might help to “reset” the relationship:
Parental functioning at life tasks that needs readjusting/balancing:
Parenting skills needed:
Prioritized goals for working with the parent(s):
Strategies to be used:
Progress measured by:
18
Adlerian Play Therapy Conceptualization/Treatment Plan--Teacher
Personality priorities and Crucial Cs:
Strategies for consultation:
Assets you want to encourage:
Elements of classroom atmosphere you would like to affect:
Lifestyle elements (e.g., mistaken beliefs, struggles with Crucial Cs
and/or personality priorities, beliefs/rules about children’s behavior or
teaching, etc.) that may interfere with teaching success:
Teaching and classroom management skills needed:
New information (i.e., regarding children’s lifestyles, the interaction between their own
lifestyle and a child’s lifestyle, child development, challenges faced by particular
populations of children, etc.) that might help to “reset” the relationship:
Prioritized goals for working with the teacher:
Strategies to be used:
Progress measured by:
19
Metacommunication
In metacommunication, the counselor meta-communicates--that is, the counselor communicates
about the communication taking place in the relationship. By metacommunicating, the counselor can
help children begin to notice and understand their own patterns of communication. Often children are
not aware that they are reacting or communicating in a certain way. Even those who are cognizant of
their communication patterns usually lack the abstract verbal reasoning ability to conceptualize what
these patterns mean about them and their interactions. By commenting about what is going on (and
frequently, what it means), the counselor can help children think more clearly about how and what they
are communicating. Metacommunication is kind of an umbrella skill that incorporates a number of
different techniques. It can involve reflection of feelings, questions, speculation about underlying
messages, interpretation of the meaning of reactions or behaviors, and so forth. The focus of
metacommunication can be on
1. Nonverbal communication on the part of the child (e.g., "You looked over here like you were checking whether it
was ok with me if you played with the dolls.").
2. The child's reactions to the therapist's statements and questions (e.g., "You looked happy when I said we were
going to do a puppet show. I am thinking that you really like doing puppet shows."). 3. Subtle reactions to or feelings about
interactions between the therapist and the child (e.g., "I notice that you seem frustrated when I told you shooting darts at
people is against the play room rules.").
4. Subtle reactions to the relationship between the play therapist and the child or to the play therapy process (e.g.,
I am thinking that you were not very happy to see me today.”
5. Nuances in the ways the child communicates (e.g., "I am thinking that when you feel frustrated your voice gets
louder.").
6. The underlying message in the child’s communication (e.g., as Mr. Fox tugs on my shirt but does not say anything,
“I am thinking that Mr. Fox wants me to get down on the floor and play with him.”)
7. The unstated purpose of the child’s behavior (e.g., “It seems like you always ask questions about the time when we
meet at 5 o’clock. I am thinking you want to make sure you get home in time to watch Zoom.”)
There are 4 levels of metacommunication, moving from very simple factual comments about the
present to rather elaborate interpretations about patterns in the child’s lifestyle and ways of relating
to others and reactions to the world:
Pointing out that something is happening in the here-and-now without any kind of
interpretation (e.g., “You frowned when I mentioned your dad.”).
Interpreting a possible meaning of a behavior or reaction means (e.g., “I am thinking you
are upset with your dad.”)
Pointing out patterns in behaviors, reactions, and/or attitudes within a session or across
several sessions (e.g., “You seem to get very sad whenever you mention your parents’ divorce.”).
Pointing out lifestyle patterns in the child’s behaviors, reactions, and/or attitudes that typify
his or her personality, coping strategies, interpersonal style, approach to problem-solving and conflict
resolution, self-image, and other aspect of his or her lifestyle (e.g., To a doll who is always yelling at
the other dolls, “It seems as though you use yelling to get other people to do what you want, and I have
The counselor
can also comment on patterns in the child’s behaviors, reactions, and/or
attitudes that extend into other relationships outside the play room
(e.g., “I have noticed that you like to be the boss in here with me. I
am guessing that you also like to be the boss at home.”).
noticed that you really like to get other people to follow your instructions. ”).
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ENCOURAGEMENT
Whether the following remarks are encouraging or not will depend on the attitude of the
person saying them. In order for these phrases to be encouraging, you must convey belief in
the child. You must feel trust, confidence, and acceptance, and convey those feelings in your
voice, facial expression, and body language.
If you feel impatient, superior, angry, or a lack
of confidence, these phrases will not be encouraging.
1. "You have improved in. . ."
"You couldn't do that last week, and this week you did it."
"Wow!!! You're really getting better at that."
Progress is extremely important. Children need to be encouraged whenever they show growth and
improvement. Watch very carefully for any signs of positive change and comment on them--whether the
improvement is big or small. Give children hope that they can make major gains.
2. "You thought you couldn't do that, and you tried anyway." "You're really trying hard on that."
"You asked me to do that for you, and you figured it out for yourself."
"You didn't get it exactly the way you wanted, and you sure tried hard."
Always encourage children's effort. Encourage them to try things--especially things they think they
cannot do. Children learn through experience and are frequently afraid to try things because they believe
they might make a mistake or fail. They may need your confidence in them to help them to risk making a
mistake.
3. "You would like me to decide that for you, and I think you can decide for yourself."
"In the play room, that can be anything you want it to be."
"Looks like you're struggling with that. Let's see if we can figure out how to fix it together."
Never do anything for children that they can do for themselves. Always convey to children that you believe
that they can do things for themselves, make their own decisions, and creatively solve their own problems.
If they are asking for help in a situation that you do not believe they can master, work together to find
a solution, but never solve a problem for them.
4.
"Oops, I said the wrong thing. That didn't make any sense."
"I got the wrong marker. I wanted a green one, and I picked up a blue one."
"I'm sorry. I goofed that up. I will do it differently the next time we play this game."
Sometimes the most encouraging remark an adult can make to a child is an acknowledgment of a mistake.
By modeling the courage to be imperfect, the adult is sending a powerful message that it is O.K. to make
mistakes, to not always be "right" all the time. This is very freeing.
5.
"You really know how to..."
"You look very excited. You look really proud of yourself."
"You can do that, even though you didn't think you could."
"You know a lot about that and you feel good about knowing a lot."
It is possible to point out some useful act or contribution in every child. Even a comment about something
small and insignificant to us may have great importance to a child. When you point out assets, focus on
their feeling of accomplishment and pride. This encourages intrinsic motivation, rather than
doing things simply to please others. Avoid evaluative words (e.g., good, well, excellent).
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DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC METAPHORS
1. Decide what your goal in telling the story is.
2. Based on your previous interactions with the child, decide (a) which toys
you want to use in your story, (b) whether you believe that the child will be more
responsive to a story about animals or people or mythical creatures and an event
based in reality or a fantasy/fairy tale situation, (c) how close you can get to the actual
situation in the child’s life, and (d) how you want to deliver the metaphor.
3. Decide when and where you want the story to take place. It is best to
dislocate the story in time, using either the past or the future as the time element of
the story and in space, using some other town or country. Even if the story takes place last week or next
month, in the town next door, by dislocating it in time and space, you create an emotional distance that allows
them to listen to the story without automatically having to think about the possibility that it might be about
them.
4. Describe the scene very clearly. It should not be completely the same as the child's situation but
can have several parallels. The scene can be a natural setting ("in the jungle..."), a mythical setting ("in a place
where all the animals could talk..."), or a realistic setting ("in my old neighborhood when I was a kid...").
5. Describe the characters very clearly. Each character should have a name and physical and emotional
traits as part of the introduction/description of the characters. The characters must include (a) the
protagonist (an animal or person who represents the child) and (b) the antagonist (an animal, person, or
situation that is creating problems for the protagonist). It is also helpful to have a resource person
(someone who can provide advice or help for the protagonist—this character might represent the counselor)
and an ally or two (an animal or person who can provide support for the protagonist).
6. Describe the problem encountered by the protagonist in concrete terms. This problem can be
similar to the situation of the child, but the correlation should not be too obvious. The counselor should not
point out the parallel. It must be entirely up to the child to determine if he or she wants to acknowledge the
similarity. The problem can be related to a person and a relationship or to a situation that is causing the
protagonist some kind of difficulty.
7. As the story proceeds, include different sensory information (visual, auditory, olfactory,
kinesthetic, and tactile) so that the story becomes more “real” to the child.
8. The protagonist should make progress toward overcoming the problem, but there should also be
obstacles. The story needs to include a certain level of struggle so that the child feels that the protagonist
has earned the final solution, rather than simply having it happen. The resource person and the allies can help
the protagonist when needed, but the protagonist should make the decisions and be responsible for the
majority of the effort involved in overcoming obstacles and solving the problem.
9. Describe the resolution of the problem in concrete and clearly defined terms. The resolution does
not have to completely eliminate the original situation, but it needs to demonstrate that the protagonist has
made progress in learning to cope with the situation.
10. Remember your goal for the metaphor as you tell the metaphor--obstacles, the progress and the
resolution should all be related to the lesson you want to teach the child through the metaphor.
11. After the resolution, the characters should have some sort of celebration and affirmation of the
changes in the protagonist. With younger children or older children who are very concrete, the resolution
should blatantly state exactly what the protagonist has learned. With children who are able to grasp more
abstract lessons, the moral or learning does not have to be obviously stated, but it needs to be clearly
illustrated in the story.
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MUTUAL STORYTELLING from an Adlerian Perspective
1. Ask the child to choose several animals, figures, puppets, or dolls, pretend they can talk,
and tell a story using them as characters. You might want to suggest that the story have a
beginning, middle, and an end. [If the child has already told you stories in the session or in other
sessions, you can use those stories as the basis of this technique. You do not need a brand new
story. You can also delay your retelling of the story until another session so that you can have
time to think about what the child’s story means and about how you want to retell the story.]
2. Listen to the story metaphorically. The story might illustrate the child's life-style, a
current situation in the child’s life, the child's relationships with significant others, and various
issues in the child's life. You can use Adlerian conceptualization to help you understand the
underlying meaning in the story. You should consider:
A. What is the overall affective tone of the story? What does the affective tone of the
story tell you about the child’s life?
B. How do the actions of the characters in the story fit with what you already know about
the client and the people in his or her life?
C. How do the situations or problems in the story resemble situations or problems
encountered by the client in his or her life?
D. Which character (or characters) represents the child?
E. What are the (mis)behaviors of the character(s) who represents the client?
F. How do those (mis)behaviors fit with your conceptualization of the client’s goals of
misbehavior? For example, does the character get into power struggles or try to
prove that he/she cannot be controlled by others as would a person whose goal is
power?
G. How does the character who represents the client feel in the story? For example, has
the character been hurt badly by others and does he/she feel a need for revenge as
would a person whose goal is revenge?
H. How do the other characters in the story feel/respond to
the (mis)behaviors of the character who represents the
client? For example, are the other characters annoyed
by the client-character, which would indicate that the
goal of misbehavior is attention or are they angry, which
would indicate that the goal is power?
I. How would you feel or react if you had a similar interaction
with someone like the character who represents the
client? How would most adults feel/react to the
character’s behavior?
J. If there is some kind of correction or consequences
for negative behavior in the story, how does the
character who represents the child react? For
instance, does the characters just give up as would a person
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whose goal is proving inadequacy?
K. What does the story tell you about the client’s Crucial Cs?
How do the characters in
the story connect with one another? Which of the
characters are capable and in what ways? How do you
know which characters feel that they count in the
story? In what ways do characters manifest courage
or lack of it?
L. What does the story tell you about the client’s personality
priority? What does it tell
you about the personality priorities of the other people in the child’s life? Which
characters seek to be comfortable, to be in control, to please others, or to be
superior to others? How do the characters go about doing this?
M. What does the story tell you about how the client’s view of self?
N. What does the story tell you about the clients’ views about and attitudes toward other
people?
O. What does the story tell you about the client’s usual approach to relationships?
P. What does the story tell you about the client’s attitude toward life?
Q. What does the story tell you about the client’s usual approach to problem-solving?
R. What does the story tell you about the client’s level of social interest?
3. Explain that you would like to tell another story with those same characters. Retell the story,
using the same characters, setting, and beginning as the child's story. You will need to change the
middle and the ending of the story. The altered story can illustrate (a) a more appropriate
resolution of the story conflict; (b) alternative ways of viewing self, the world, and others; (c)
different ways of building relationships and getting along with others; and (d) varied
interpretations of personal issues that may be interfering with the child's ability to function. As
you think about your retelling, consider the following questions:
A. What is your goal in telling the story? What do you want to teach the client with
your narrative??
B. Which character(s) would you leave in? What will you try to accomplish with these
characters? Would you add any character(s)? What traits would you incorporate
in any added character(s)? Why would those character(s) be important with this
client?
C. How can you emphasize the strengths of the client’s personality
priority? How can you make clear the disadvantages of or price paid by
having this personality priority? How can you suggest ways to capitalize on
the strengths of this priority and to minimize the price paid?
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D. Which of the Crucial Cs (positive goals of connecting, feeling capable, feeling as though you
count, having courage) would you want to stress in the story? How can you illustrate
strategies for connecting with others, becoming and feeling capable, gaining confidence in
being significant, and having courage?
E. Do you want to incorporate some kind of consequences
for (mis)behaviors in the story? What kind of
consequence would be realistic, related, and
respectful?
F. Do you want to incorporate some kind of positive consequences
for positive behaviors in the story? What kind of consequence
would illustrate the importance of positive behaviors?
G. How could you redirect any characters who are striving toward
goals of misbehavior?
H. What method of conflict resolution or problem-solving
strategy would you like to illustrate in the retelling? How could
you resolve the conflict in an appropriate and realistic way in the
retelling?
I. How can the characters model more positive attitudes toward
solving problems?
J. How can you resolve the conflict in an appropriate and realistic way in the retelling?
K. How can you incorporate more positive ways for the characters in the story to view
themselves, the world, and others in the retelling? How can you incorporate more
positive attitudes in the characters in the retelling?
L. How can you illustrate more appropriate ways of building relationships and getting along
with others in the retelling?
M. How can you illustrate a variety of interpretations of personal issues that may be
interfering with the child's ability to function in the retelling?
N. What social skills or other skills do you want to illustrate with the retelling?
O. What can I do in the retelling to enhance the child’s social interest?
Kottman, T., & Meany-Walen, K. (in press). Partners in play: An
Adlerian approach to play therapy (3rd ed.) Alexandria, VA: American
Counseling Association.
The basic idea of mutual storytelling seriously adapted by Terry
Kottman from : Gardner, R. A. (1986). The psychotherapeutic techniques
of Richard A. Gardner. New Jersey: Creative Therapeutics.
Information on the Crucial Cs from: Lew, A., & Bettner, B.L. (1995).
A parent's guide to motivating children AND Responsibility in the
classroom. Newton Center, MA: Connexions.
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