Spring 1 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

The Noble NoZe Brotherhood Presents...
The Rope
It’s only ink and paper.
Volume 78 Number 4 February 2003
Us:
nnb
po box 612
elm mott, tx
76640
www.thenoze.com
254-710-3555
1-800-Baylor-U
Option 24
Cunning Linguist
Brothers
those guys
Bro. IgNoZetius Reilly
Bro. amnozety int.
Bro. Deus Ex Machinoze
bro. inozebriated
bro. tennozee williams
Bro. Nozeanderthal
bro. quiznoze
bro. Roseanne Roseanna Danoze
bro. xenoze, warrior princess
Bro. Conoze the Barbarian
Bro. Huey P. NoZeton
Bro. obi-wan kenozebi
bro. panchnoze villa
Lorde Mayor
Bro. Rocky MarciaNoZe
Shekel Keeper
Bro. Bilbo BaggiNoZe
e-brother
Bro. Samir nozeenanajar
Bored of Graft
Bro.
mu-mu-mu-my
SharoNoZe
Bro. W. Axl NoZe
Bro. Ultramagnoze
Bro. SuperNoZa
Trembling neophytes,
sore afraid
Bro. NozetrE Dame Walk-on
bro. NoZeb-gyn
bro. yoko onoze
venerable exiles
Bro. yossarianoze
bro. otnoze von bizmarkie
bro. pallas athenoze
bro. nozetta stone
bro. serpicnoze
bro. nozeph mccarthy
bro. monoze lisa
bro. homogenozed
bro. nozetorious b.i.g.
Bro. SnootchNOZe...golly!
bro. roberto rossellinoze
bro. noze the wet sprocket
bro. noze better*
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene mene tekel upharsin! Satchel on, Bro. LongNoZe, Satch! HRGS! BSSS! SSSS! BMMC! DING DING DING! The most noble and serene, immaculate
and unclean, brethren of brothers are still uncouth and unclean, back to intervene and conduct this investigation and without litigation we’ll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we never created devastation
we’re on this spherical miracle, the earth, implementing satirical elation whose birth derived from this witty lyrical conglomeration and this congregation is specializing in the delicate art of creation and evasion,
our mission is one of indecision and invasion but with precision and diligent incision into your cerebral infrastructure, non-scientifically speaking, at that juncture the funny will cause it to rupture and explode
implode and erode while our super secret code (1-2-3…4) is flushed down the commode for protection in this Baptismal bubble of a section we’re the erection that gives you an infection and I vote Bro. NoZe
Better for the next Presidential election on this hallowed haven of heavenly ground but the NNB is down for the second profound round in the Baylor side of Wako town. So here’s to linguists that are cunning,
NoZe’s that are running, Greek organizations we are shunning, and Bear Trails that stupid people are running because we are here this year to steer you clear of the sheer magnitude of your suck we really don’t
give a duck duck goose but we care about this satirical noose, this twine that is money, so prepare to hang yourself with this Rope that encapsulates “The Funny.” Can I get a Satch? Satchel. Satchelissimo!!!
Sing Celebrates 50 Years of Impertinence
Baylor’s Third Oldest Joke Still Funny as Ever
It all started on a set of
After calming down, Reimer fondly recalled an academic studies. Despite
creaky risers on the cold stage of Davis recounted her favorite sing incident that is typical of the level seemingly negative effects on
Waco Hall in front of a handful show. “I’d guess it would have of student commitment: “We had their grades, most Sing
of people way back in 1953. to be our production of Camelot. this show in which all of us guys participants don’t seem to care.
Singing praise to the
President Robert Sloan
Holy Lord, those brave
echoed this attitude at a
pioneers forged the
recent gala stating, “I’d
way for what has
rather have students
become the bloated,
learn what Sing is all
vaguely
pious
about than make 5 A’s in
monstrosity known
the
history
simply as Sing.
department.”
Today, 50 years
For his part,
after Baylor officially
Reimer agreed with
decided to become a
Sloan saying, “I don’t
complete joke, Sing is
think President Sloan
an all out event of epic
has much to worry
proportions featuring
about. The last time any
amateurs singing,
of
my
fraternity
dancing, and wearing
brothers saw that many
too much make-up.
A’s was when they beat
However, Sing is much
up the smart Asian kid
more than just toneand stole his book bag
deaf pretty boys
in 8th grade.”
singing 80’s hits, but
No matter what
not much. Of course,
your opinion of Sing,
it wasn’t always this
this year ’s shows
KOT performs their Sing act, “Mom and Dad, I need to tell you something,”
way. Tommye Lou
promise to be perhaps
making Baylor the only university that can ban a homosexual group yet
Davis,
associate
the most over-the-top
allow this.
professor of Latin, has
yet.
Among the
been to every Sing
predicted favorites are
show sing 1963 after
Kappa Kappa Gamma’s
losing a bet over the middle We had Adolf Hitler as the King, were supposed to wear leotards recounting of Noah’s Ark set to
names of the four Beatles.
and Charlie Chaplin was and sing as part of Robin Hood’s “Oops, I did it again,” Phi
“Well, back in my time, Lancelot, and I played Judy band of merry men. Well, about Gamma Delta’s story of Christ
Sing wasn’t quite as complicated Garland as the wicked witch of three weeks before sing we heard featuring the music of Kid Rock,
as it is now,” said Davis, Kappa the east. Anywho, the big finale a rumor about someone trying to and Kappa Delta and Alpha
sponsor and all-around hottie. was all of us dressing up in go- steal our leotards. Needless to Delta Pi’s combined rendition of
“We didn’t have the homosexual go boots, singing ‘Danke Schoen’ say, for the next few weeks we their respective histories set to
choreographers, the costumes, while the Berlin Wall fell onto had 23 guys camping out in the “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
the music, the themes…really we three clowns who symbolized woods, sleeping in 15-minute
Proving yet again that
didn’t have much of anything. communism, despotism, and shifts making sure nothing God has an amazing sense of
Now, if you boys would please Catholicism, respectively. It was happened to our leotards. We humor, over the past 50 years
blow out those candles, turn the great fun.”
didn’t care about school, work, Sing has become the only place
lights back on, and turn off the
Although the shows may hygiene…nothing. All that to see tough guy frat boys put on
Barry White music…and I really have changed over the years, one mattered then were the leotards.” makeup and dance around like
don’t think bringing red wine to thing that hasn’t changed is the
Indeed, something that the little girls they truly are.
an interview is acceptable.”
hard work of the students isn’t talked about much is Sing’s Amen.
involved. Former sing chair Mike consequences on students’
Bob Sloan Presents...
The
THE BEGINNING
Process
Can you follow the clues?
2.
3.
1.
THEY NOTICE
THE EVIDENCE
01/16/2003
2:23 Pm
Law School
Camera 24
4.
THE AGENDA
January 17, 2003
Steve Sadler
306 Tree Grove
Waco, TX 76712
5.
Dearest Steve,
You are now fired.
My best to you and yours,
Robert B. Sloan
President & CEO, Baylor University
RBS:jrl:sob:jhc:hhr:gob
THE RESULT
Axis of Evil Terrorizes Gotham, Waco
community that the President’s remarks were hope we go to war so I can have plenty of stuff to
made purely in jest and that North Korea has no bitch about.”
giant fire breathing lizard, although the United
Despite student misgivings, Baylor
Nations has already authorized an inspection of President Bobby Sloan is unsurprisingly lining up
the country’s zoos and humane societies.
behind Bush. “I support the President 110%. I
In an address made yesterday on the White am confident that when he calls on Baylor to be a
House lawn, President Bush said, “I believe that leader in the war on terrorism, we will answer his
Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il, no doubt call even if he uses Caller ID block, and
cowering in their secret lair, are very well aware furthermore I would like to announce that we have
of the Super Friends and of their super crime a fat check waiting should he need a place to store
fighting abilities. Holy Moses, you saw what his Presidential Library. Thank you and God
they did to the Legion of Doom!” The Bless.”
President continued, “Let it be known, that
Standing in front of a six-panel comic
any attempt made by either Saddam Hussein backdrop depicting Saddam Hussein and Kim
or Kim Jong Il to enlist the assistance of any Jong Il being defeated by the Super Friends, Bush
current or former member of the Legion of was not deterred from his chosen course of action.
Doom, any member of Cobra, or any member “I know there are protests going on, but I will not
of the Democratic Party will be met with let eight or nine people stand in my way,” stated a
violent and steadfast reprisal. Oh, and with defiant Bush. “I will not tire, I will not falter, and
great power comes great responsibility.”
I will not fail. Oops, I mean we.”
Skeptics are already questioning President
With that Bush donned a cowboy hat,
Bush’s lumping together of Hussein and Jong mounted his stick horse, and rode off into the
Sloan shows his undying support for President Bush.
Il into one super villain claiming that the two sunset…that was painted on the backdrop.
leaders are not in cahoots, and furthermore
have
never even met each
The Super Friends, as many of our readers
are surely acquainted, include: Batman, Robin, other. “I don’t even
Superman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, The Green know the guy,” stated a
Lantern, Flash, Hawkman, and Apache Chief. perplexed Hussein. “I
Lesser known Super Friends also allegedly mean, we may have met
involved in President Bush’s freedom loving and briefly at one of
intensely pure plan include: The Wonder Twins, Slobodan’s parties, but I
Black Vulcan, El Dorado, Firestorm, Samurai, was drunk and don’t
really remember it.”
Atom, and Cyborg.
At home here in
Such an impressive collection of crime
Waco,
students
are lining
fighting heroes and heroines would certainly be
difficult for the likes of Saddam Hussein and Kim up in protest of the
use
of
Jong Il to vanquish. What with Superman’s eye proposed
imaginary
comic
book
lasers, Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, and
Batman’s nifty gadgets, it is unlikely that nuclear characters to fight the
weapons, let alone alleged nuclear weapons, Axis of Evil. Speaking to
more than five people,
would do much damage.
Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il, having angry female Joanna
stated,
heard of President Bush’s genuine and altruistic Cattanach
“Drawings of supersuper pure plan, expressed serious misgivings.
“Who the Hell are the Super Friends?” human beings are not the
Saddam Hussein blurted in frustration upon answer. Peace is the
“Come on Speedy; you’ve got to pull through. I’d hate to see
hearing of the plan’s public announcement. “I just answer. We must not
you end up in a claypot.”
can’t seem to catch a break. Can’t a guy just live take actions that will
provoke a conflict that Listen: There’s no horse in our claypots….just good stuff like chicken
a tyrannical life in peace? No? Damn.”
Kim Jong Il seemed equally confused will be measured by the
and shrimp, or we can make it with tofu too.
when notified of the plan, and even quipped that blood of our ancestor’s
920 K.H. Kultgen Freeway
he might unleash Godzilla if attacked by the Super sons and daughters. Woe
(next to La Quinta)
Friends. Sources close to the North Korean is me. Although I do
President have assured the international
756-2721
Following recent difficulties experienced
by the UN weapons inspection team in Iraq,
President George W. Bush and a coalition of the
world’s other freedom loving Heads-of-State have
unveiled a plan to enlist the help of the globe’s
leading crime fighters in an effort to extinguish
the nefarious and far-reaching designs of the
Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il lead Axis of
Evil.
Le Café
Forced to spend one last semester taking 0 hours a piece, Bros. IgNoZetius Reilly and
TenNoZee Williams, esq. proudly present the brainchild born of their many hours of torturing
at the mouth of Rev. Dr. Todd Lake, Jr.
Things you will never hear from Todd Lake in Chapel
Pope John Paul II
“Ladies and gentleman, former President Bill Clinton.”
Scruffy Murphy’s
Ba-donk-a-donk
“God is good…every now and then.”
Inerrancy
“Wasn’t that some terrible, out of tune worship?”
Forty Ounce
Jesus H. Christ!
“Maybe that speaker wasn’t such a good idea.”
Ping Pong
“G’s up, hoes down” (except in reference to the Old Testament)
Swamp Ass
“If you’d like to have lunch after the service, buy it your damn self.”
Buddha
“I’d like to announce my retirement.”
Chapter 11
Bar & Bar
NoZe Movie Review:
In The Good Old Summertime
You couldn’t see the Broadway hit in
1902, but you can see the 1949 movie
(available now on VHS). Watch Judy
Garland sing our sacred and holy school
song except with better lyrics (excerpted
below). Learn the long history Baylor
has of ripping things off from others in
order to pawn them off as traditions (see
“official” class ring). Oh, and to the
lonely Kappa reading this, yes, they did
base this movie on “You’ve Got Mail.”
Rating: $$$$ (out of 200,000,000)
“Hey baby, look at it this way, I’m just two ‘Big-O’s’ away
from pretty.”
Open 7am – 2am
Free Pool Mondays
Happy Hour 7am – 7pm $1.50 “Big-Os”
619 Esther
IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME,
IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME,
STROLLING THRO’ THE SHADY LANES,
WITH YOUR BABY MINE;
YOU HOLD HER HAND
AND SHE HOLDS YOURS
AND THAT’S A VERY GOOD SIGN
THAT SHE’S YOUR TOOTSEY WOOTSEY
IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME.
BUSH DECLARES WAR ON BAYLOR
Also Seeks Royalties from Successful Fried Chicken Franchise
Come listen to a story about a man named Bob, a
pampered fundamentalist whose terrible at his job.
Then one day while firing Schmeltekopf, oil busted
through Sloan’s laundered money trough. Black gold
that is. Texas T. (banjos echo in the background)
So goes the song that peals from the bells
of Pat Neff, overlooking the Baptist countryside.
It seems that while students celebrated the birth
of their deity by becoming annoyed at relatives
and awaiting an obese man with an eye for small
children, construction workers struck oil on the
Baylor property in Liberty, Texas.
“Man, good thing we sued Governor Bill,”
remarked Larry Brumley, a member of the Sloan
Youth. “We never would have known about the
sweet, sweet reservoir of goodness that lay below
all that dirt. Best of all, we don’t have to feel
guilty about it because we did it out of greed in
the first place!”
Good ole’ Roberto was all smiles as well:
“I can now say without a doubt that Baylor
University, besides being well on its way to Tier
One, is now a solvent institution once again.”
When asked if Baylor had at any point in time in
the past become insolvent due to massive building
programs, Sloan just chuckled to himself, leaned
back in his ostrich leather chair, and lit a Cuban
cigar with a $100 bill.
In completely unrelated news, in a press
conference held in Washington D.C., which has
now been permanently relocated to Crawford,
Texas, President Bush referred to Baylor
University as “the new spokey thingy” in his Axis
of Evil. Later, Donald Rumsfield had this to say:
“The tyrannical regime under Robert B.
Sloan, as the President has said, undermines the
ideals of freedom and decency we, as Americans,
hold dear. There have been rumors that this
totalitarian dictatorship has, for some years now,
been stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and
plans to start a nuclear program from a secret
location they refer to as the ‘Temperature Control
Center.’ No one is allowed into this facility except
those absolutely loyal to Sloan, and they refused
to be interviewed outside of the Baylor campus.
There are also rumors that Dr. David Lyle Jeffrey
is part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell that infiltrated
the U.S. from Canada. We know that Dr. Sloan’s
election to the presidency was fixed, and we are
seeking a regime change to make sure Baylor can
adjust peacefully to the modern world.”
In order to make sure Baylor does not
retaliate against the neighboring states of
Oklahoma and Louisiana, 20,000 U.S. troops have
been mobilized and are being stationed at Fort
Hood and the Holiday Inn Express off I-35.
Meanwhile, U.N. weapons inspectors posing as
NoZe Brothers have infiltrated the campus and
begun to decode Sloan’s 12 Imperatives, which
sources at the CIA believe very strongly are plans
for global domination.
Sloan and his administrators could not be
reached for comment as they were taking turns
swimming in a giant vault filled with gold coins
being heard to remark, “What should we do with
all this money? Build a new library? No, seriously,
who wants to buy Tahiti? All right, it’s done!”
Sorority Girl Realizes,
“We Killed the Indians”
University Scholars Program
Lobbying For Membership
In recent campus news, a sorority girl had
an epiphany in the middle of her U.S. History
course. “It was something I had never never ever
even thought of thinking about before,” said the
young lady.
Apparently the realization and moment of
clarity occurred during a lecture about the post
Civil War reconstruction.
“We like, TOTALLY killed the Indians!
Well, not me! But like, my great great great great
great great great great great great grandfather
could have totally like, I don’t know, did whatever
it was that they did to the Indians when they killed
them. Like stoned them or torture racked them
or whatever their medieval ways of killing people
were!” explained the new history buff.
Upon learning that the majority of her late
ancestors were thieving, murdering bastards, the
young sorority girl pretended to cry, purchased a
Tiffany’s bracelet, and watched several episodes
of “Sex and the City.” Reports indicate that she is
almost back to normal and will recover sometime
this semester although rumors persist that she may
watch a Dateline NBC special report on the
Chinese involvement in building the
transcontinental railroad at which time she is
expected to pretend to have a nervous breakdown
and possibly eat an excessive amount of chocolate.
Footing The Bill
can, and will, drop that system of measurement faster than a Dallas Cowboy
coach, a BU Football coach, a U.S. News & World Report ranking, or
plans to actually have a 4th floor in the new science building.”
“Now,” he continued, “we’re looking to more important factors,
like how much gross capital this student can contribute to our annual
Last September, BU Prez Bobby Sloan announced changes in his operating budget. Can’t have checks bouncing, now can we?”
executive council’s responsibilities. In a shocking failure by now defunct
Reached for questioning, Dr. Madden rolled his eyes and walked
VP of University Relations Dr. Stan Madden to tell Sloan exactly what he away, all the while humming a theme from Madame Butterfly.
wanted to hear, Madden said that it would be impossible to recruit a freshman
class of 2800 next semester without lowering the average SAT score.
This news perplexed the able bodied president, as he was unsure as
to the meaning of words like “next,” “average,” and “verisimilitude.”
Once receiving an explanation, Sloan looked downtrodden.
Apparently one thing Bobby did understand was “the bottom line.” Citing
all the big expensive pretty buildings going up around campus, nearly all of
which will be able to have roofs, Sloan knew that if enrollment didn’t rise,
Baylor’s revolutionary accounting system would be in jeopardy. Becoming
the first university in the nation to run operation costs out of tuition income,
Baylor was breaking new ground unseen since the executive council’s
investigative viewing of “The Crooked E.”
Thinking quickly, then forgetting, remembering, writing it down,
losing the paper, and finding it again, Brilliant Bobby acted post haste.
Tripping over boxes labeled Eileen Hulme: Personal Effects in a blaze of
hurry, he turned to Ms. Marilyn “Yes I can… what was the question again?”
Crone, Vice President for Human Resources.
Crone did not hesitate to take enrollment admissions under the HR
wing. Now the same people that sign the paychecks and hand out those
great pamphlets on the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People will be
determining, in their own special way, whether your friends and loved ones
Comics, Cards, Etc.
get to be proud Baylor Bears, and more importantly, whether they get to
foot the bill for “improvements” no one ever asked for.
Here are some of the changes to criteria examined for admission.
Why 2640 Ain’t Enough For 2012
Bankstons
Dr. Stan Madden (Taking a Break)
•
•
•
•
•
•
Take ACT or SAT, score well
Be in top part of graduating
class
Teacher Recommendations
Extra Curricular Involvement
Years of English/Social
Sciences
Desire to learn
Ms. Marilyn Crone (Human Resources)
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
High School Education (or
equivalent) with 0 - 3 years of
basic computer and data entry
experience
High School Diploma preferred
2-4 years experience in related
field
Type 50+ wpm
Proficiency in Microsoft Office
Suite
Enthusiastic attitude and excellent
customer relations skills
Lots of money
Once these changes have been implemented, there may be a slight
drop in the average SAT score and overall educational qualifications of the
student body at Baylor. However, Bobby “Wiffle-Waffle” Sloan addressed
this issue at the latest faculty meeting.
“We originally began looking at the SAT’s as a reflector of how we
are doing, because at the time, they reflected the qualities we looked for in
a potential Baylor student. Through the Vision 2012, our standards are
changing, so gone is the value for such guidelines as standardized tests. We
Star Wars, Superman, Sexy Ladies….everything a geek could
possibly want.*
*(Sexy lady not available in all locations)
1321 S. Valley Mills 755-0070
The Rope Asks...
What did you do on the Martin
Luther King Day break?
“I spent all day playing Grand
Theft Auto: Vice City on the
PS2”
James Dohan,
Penland Freshman
“I read all 95 thesises in the
original German! He really is
the king!”
Paul Morrison,
Truett Student
“Are you kidding? Our mascot
is Black.”
Tom Stanton,
Athletic Supporter
“I took a dump on the floor of
my cage. Sic ‘Em!”
Judge Joy,
American Black
Bear
“I had a dream…and you were
there, and you were there, and
you were there. It was sort of
like The Wiz.”
Franklin Stewart,
Typical Baylor
Student
SHARK Van Murders
Campus Squirrel
Gathering Nuts No Longer
Safe at Baylor
Although the animal rights
group SHARK may not have come
up with a clever acronym that justly
summarizes its mission, they
certainly have produced many
examples of bear abuse at Baylor
University, local training facility for
the Republican Party. SHARK
claims that Baylor’s treatment of
Lady and Joy has made the two bears
psychotic.
“We’re not talking about cute
Rain Man crazy,” said Josey ‘Not a
Member of Baylor Freedom’ Wales.
“This is more electroshock therapy
Cuckoo’s Nest crazy. Only by
scouring the Waco streets with our
van equipped with Sony HDTV’s
(available at Best Buy for only
$2,799.99) can we deliver images of
this pain and suffering.”
These images depict Lady
mindlessly pacing in her cage, her
face drooping in a furry frown that
says, “Help me!” or “Can I have
some more Dr. Pepper?” Depending
on your interpretation of the
situation.
But what you won’t see on
those crystal clear back-lit displays
is the truth about these bleeding
hearts and their philanthropic
organization, specifically their van,
dubbed by students as the “The Furry
Fuzzy Freedom Fighter”.
Since the van’s arrival, the
Furry Fuzzy Freedom Fighter has run
over more than seven campus
squirrels while delivering its message
of liberation, leaving the squirrel
community in terror, afraid to come
out of their trees for fear of death by
Goodrich.
“My family hasn’t eaten in
three days,” said Chippy, a frightened
squirrel and victim of the SHARK
organization. “Last Tuesday my
cousin Rochester was crossing the
street to get an acorn. But halfway
across the street, he was frozen in
his tracks by the amazing clarity
those screens produce. WHAM!
They plowed right over the little
guy!”
“SHARK preaches about
saving the Furry Fuzzy Bears,” said
Simon, local squirrel linguist. “Well,
we’re fuzzy and cute! We’ve got our
own Beanie Baby! I’ve read John
Locke and squirrels have inalienable
natural rights too you know. All we
want is nuts. Is that too much to
ask?”
After finally being annoyed
enough to care about something, the
Baylor community also spoke out on
the issue. “This squirrel abuse isn’t
right! These squirrels are peaceful
nut gathering individuals, that ain’t
no lie, and if you don’t like it
SHARK, then bye bye bye!” said a
member of Kappa Sigma, as he
impersonated Justin Timberlake
impersonating Michael Jackson.
Many organizations have
joined the students in aiding the
oppressed squirrel community.
RAPSHEET (Respect And Protect
Squirrels wHo Exist by Eating from
Trees), and AAAROWOCA
(Animals Against Animal Rights
Organizations WithOut Clever
Acronyms) are just two groups who
have brought their own digitally
enhanced vans to Waco to fight for
squirrel rights.
However, some students are
not content fighting only for
squirrels. “What about all the insects
smashed inside the van’s grill?” asked
Kyle Harris, a junior Phi Chi. “Big
brown bears are nice and all, but
when is someone going to help the
wasp?”
Ten Angry Men…And Women
Fundamentalists Recognize Irony, Administration Can’t Stop Laughing
Baylor University administrators potential evident in all forms of teats, piddle, and
convened today to discuss issues and matters of caca.
extreme importance concerning the achievement
They erupted into joke-telling and witty
of Tier One status. Due to a sudden turn of events, banter that would have rivaled Bill Cosby’s Baylor
however, the administration realized during this performance. While most of the administrators
overtly mundane and boring meeting that this had personally repressed humor for at least a
university takes itself entirely too seriously.
decade if not more, Eileen Hulme admitted to
Apparently, in the middle of one of never having laughed at all before. “It was quite
President Sloan’s outlandish and
an
orgasmic
entirely ineffective proposals, the
experience. Almost
university
mastermind
as good as church,”
accidentally farted mid-sentence.
said an ecstatic
The room fell silent. The
Hulme. Amongst the
administration was left baffled,
Aggie, Longhorn,
unsure of what to do. Then, like
Baylor Freedom, and
a beam of heavenly light came the
“your mama” jokes,
intuition and placating genius of
Sloan and the
this university, Stan Madden,
administrators even
breaking the uncomfortable
began to see humor
silence resulting from the gaseous
in their own folly.
explosion with a simple but
“I suddenly
effective comment. “Bring it up
found myself to be
again and we’ll vote on it,”
uncontrollably
peeped hardly Vice President Herb Reynolds, Not Laughing
hilarious.
I
Madden.
swallowed my pride,
The silence gave way to
I hung my head, I
an eruption of laughter not heard
came down off my
by the likes of the administration since big Bobby high horse, I looked foolish, and I felt small. Those
read the Sue Sloan article in the Comehoming crazy NoZe brothers were right. I am freakin’
issue of The Rope. The administrators, usually hilarious!” said the commander in chief.
proponents of anything and everything that isn’t
Sloan even began to ponder on certain
naughty, suddenly became immersed in the comic institutions and happenings at this university and
“Baby, you were so good
I’m gonna need a whole
carton . . .”
instead of plotting or seriously engaging in these
endeavors, he began to giggle to himself about
how ironical everything is in retrospect. Almost
at once, Sloan leaped onto the administrative
pulpit and began a routine, titillating the
administrators with his comic rendition titled,
“You might be Second Tier if…”
“Well the jokes for my new segment are
like this: If I am your President, you might be
second tier! If people listen to what I say, you
might be second tier! If my vision doesn’t work,
you might be second tier. And so on and so forth.
It’s a dandy!”
Unfortunately, Sloan’s babysitter Herb
Reynolds was laying in wait just around the corner
and ran to see what was the matter the moment
he heard laughter coming from the never jovial
conference room. Looking as if he had just walked
in on his young daughter engaged in an unnatural
act, Herb accosted Sloan and the rest of his band
of hooligans. “Remember your history Bobby,”
explained the somehow still alive Reynolds. “I
didn’t pick you so you could turn my school into
a den of iniquities. Don’t try me Sloan, or I’ll call
another revote faster than you can say ‘dogma.’”
Slowly but surely the laughter faded away
from the ten angry men and women and silence
pervaded for a brief moment. Then all at once,
the meeting again became ridiculously formal,
over-serious, and blandly mundane. Several of
the administrators even silently swore that they
would never laugh again.
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The President’s New Vision
By Hans Christian Andersen
As Told By Brother SuperNoZa
Not so many years ago, there
was a medium sized Baptist
University, whose student body was
so excessively fond of appearances,
that it spent all its money in dress.
The university did not trouble itself
in the least about its faculty; nor did
it care about student events, except
for the opportunities then afforded
for displaying its piety.
Time passed merrily in the
small university; strangers arrived
every day at Pat Neff. One day, a
rogue, calling himself Bobby, made
his appearance. He gave out that he
knew how to weave 10-year visions
of the most beautiful colors and
elaborate patterns, the actual
improvements manufactured from
which should have the wonderful
property of remaining invisible to
everyone who was unfit for the office
he held, or who was extraordinarily
simple in character.
This stuff must be done
immediately! Exclaimed the
university. And it caused large sums
of money to be given in order that
they might begin their work directly.
So the pretended visionary
set up a Vision 2012, and affected to
work very busily, though in reality
he did nothing at all.
“I should like to know how
the President is getting on with the
improvements,”
said
the
Administration. To be sure, they
thought they had nothing to risk in
their own persons; but yet, they
would prefer sending somebody else,
to bring them intelligence about the
visionary and his work, before they
troubled themselves in the affair. All
the people throughout the university
had heard of the wonderful property
the vision was to possess; and all
were anxious to learn how wise, or
how ignorant, their neighbors might
prove to be.
“I will send my faithful old
provost to the visionaries,” said the
university at last, after some
deliberation, “he will be best able to
see how the vision looks; for he is a
man of sense, and no one can be more
suitable for his office than he is.”
So the faithful old provost
went into the campus, where the
president was working with all his
might, at the empty plans. “What can
be the meaning of this?” thought the
old man, opening his eyes very wide.
“I cannot discover the least bit of
improvement.” However, he did not
express his thoughts aloud.
“Is it possible that I am a
simpleton? I have never thought so
A Couple of Questions for Our Lorde Mayor...
Dear Lorde Mayor,
How do you stop a Rhino from charging?
-1001 Jokes to use at a Faculty Easter Party
Dear Van Gray,
Give him Baylor’s credit rating.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
How come the Vision 2012 video broke during Chapel?
-Only one awake
Dear Virginia,
There is a God.
myself; and no one must know it now
if I am so. Can it be, that I am unfit
for my office? No, that must not be
said either. I will never confess that I
could not see the stuff.”
“Well, Sir Schmeltekopf!”
said the President, still pretending to
work. “You do not say whether the
stuff pleases you.”
“Oh, it is excellent!” replied
the old provost, looking at the
campus through his spectacles. “This
pattern, and the colors, yes, I will tell
the university without delay, how
very beautiful I think them.”
“I shall be much obliged to
you,” said the president, and then
named the different buildings and
described the improvements in the
quality of education. The old provost
listened attentively to their words, in
order that he might repeat them to
the university; and then the president
asked for more gold, saying that it
was necessary to complete what he
had begun.
The whole campus was
talking of the splendid future which
the president had ordered to be
made.
And now the students wished
to see the costly manufacture, while
it was still in the makings.
Accompanied by a select number of
students, among whom were the two
honest men who had already admired
the vision, they went to the crafty
president, who, as soon as they were
aware of the student’s approach,
went on working more diligently than
ever at nothing.
“If you will only be pleased
to look at it! What a splendid design!
What glorious facilities!” they said,
and at the same time they pointed to
the empty land; for they imagined
that everyone else could see this
exquisite piece of workmanship.
“How is this?” said the
students to themselves. “I can see
nothing! This is indeed a terrible
affair! Am I a simpleton, or am I unfit
to be here? That would be the worst
thing that could happen—Oh! The
Vision is charming,” said they, aloud.
“It has my complete approbation.”
And they smiled most graciously, and
looked closely at the empty effects;
for on no account would they say that
they could not see what two before
them had praised so much. Thus
there would be an unveiling of the
Vision 2012.
The president sat up the
whole of the night before the day on
which the unveiling was to take
place, and had sixteen lights burning,
so that everyone might see how
anxious he was to finish the vision.
“See!” cried he, at last. “The Vision
2012 has come to fruition!”
“How splendid the university
looks in its new buildings, and how
well they fit!” everyone cried out.
“What a design! These are indeed
Top Tier buildings!”
“I am quite ready,” answered
the university. “Does my new vision
fit well?” asked it, turning itself round
again before the looking glass, in
order that it might appear to be
examining its handsome vision.
So all the people standing by
cried out, “Oh! How beautiful is our
university’s new Vision! What quality
of teaching and research!” In short,
no one would allow that he could not
see these much admired
improvements; because, in doing so,
he would have declared himself
either a simpleton or unfit for his
office. Certainly, none of the
university’s various improvements
had ever made so great an
impression, as these invisible ones.
“But the university hasn’t
changed at all!” said a little child.
“Listen to the voice of
innocence!” exclaimed his father;
and what the child had said was
whispered from one to another.
“But the university hasn’t
changed at all!” at last cried out all
the people. The university was
vexed, for it knew that the people
were right; but thought the vision
must go on now! And the lords of
the university took greater pains
than ever, to appear holding up a
vision, although, in reality, there
was no vision to hold.
Visitors Lots Safer Than Ever, Says Doak
Violent Crime up 112% in Business School Garage
At a recent press conference held on
the roof of the Business School parking
garage, home base of the Baylor DPS, school
of social work, and any other bastardized
program Baylor wants to relegate to a position
of permanent inferiority, big chief Dim Joke
announced triumphantly and emphatically yet
another victory over evil.
“I am here today to proclaim all across
this land that my Baylor Department of Public
Safety has finally rid our blessed home of
any and all remnants of depravity and
injustice,” beamed the big Joke, “No longer
will you have to cower in your homes afraid
of what you might encounter on my campus.
No, no. Come out of your homes and walk
this hallowed ground. Today we are all free.”
Asked to repeat himself after no one
actually heard the above comment over the
noise of little girls setting speed records in
their big trucks while trying to get home in
time for Oprah, Joke instead gave up and
handed out a press release that explained the
Departments hard-fought victory over
iniquity.
According to the press release, illegal
parking in all visitor and 15-minute spaces
has been reduced by 98.6% in the past two
years. In addition, revenue from the DPS has
increased an estimated 98.6% in the past two
years.
If anyone could have heard him, Dim
Joke most likely would have continued as
such: “You see, what we’re trying to do is
make this place safe for the visiting folk. I’ve
never been a visitor, or met one, but I can
imagine that it would be really annoying to
come all the way to Baylor and not be able to
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find a space. That’s why I’ve assigned the
bulk of my special forces to guard these
hallowed spots.”
One such special force is SUB visitor
lot guard/hired-gun Petty Officer Bunt. “I
used to work for Long John Silver’s, but now
I sit in a chair and write tickets for students
who just need to run into the SUB or Pat Neff
for a few minutes.” Bunt continued, “It’s just
nice to know that I’m making a difference,
and when that day comes that I finally meet
someone honestly visiting this campus, all my
many hours of sitting in that chair will finally
have paid off.”
Despite the assurance of safety by Dim
Joke, many students aren’t convinced of the
security around campus. An independent
study conducted by word of mouth found that
a majority of the student body thinks the DPS
is a complete joke and doesn’t do anything
but harass students in order to pull in six figure
sums in parking fines.
“Yeah, pretty much,” said Waco
sophomore Laura Fitzsimmons.
Other students provided very personal
accounts of their dealings with the DPS. “I
can remember when my stereo was stolen out
of my car on the second floor of the business
school garage,” said Dallas senior John
Ratinbutwalis. “Of course, when I went and
reported it to them, I had to park in the visitors
lot and I got a ticket, but they’re just doing
their job. I’m sure that if my stereo were to
get stolen again they’d find it or something.”
Asked about the students’ accusations,
Joke’s comments were inaudible over the
sound of breaking glass and car alarms, but
they probably would have gone something
like this: “We’re just doing our jobs the best
way we know how. We have some leads in
all of the various tire slashings, break-ins,
armed robberies, car jackings, murders, etc.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some empty
shoe polish bottles to log into evidence.”
Baylor Welcomes Presidential Fellow
“I’m Presidential Fellow!!” continued Kent. “Coffee can’t
talk…that’s
CRAZY! You know, President Sloan has a dog that writes all
“That’s crazy!” Says Kent
Lows never before imagined were reached this week as the university his speeches.”
Asked to elaborate on this startling discovery, Kent wasn’t of much
named its first and hopefully only Presidential Fellow. Also referred to as
help.
the “Ass Kissing Award of Excellence,” the
“I’m Presidential Fellow!!” explained Kent.
Presidential Fellow is the first step in the long,
“Sloan’s
dog is CRAZY! Do you think he would
inbred line to becoming a bigwig at Baylor
let me take that dog on a trip to Boston with
University, or as real scholars term it, being a
me? We could drink beer and smoke cigars
complete and utter failure in life.
together. Then he could give me a haircut.”
The recipient of this award was none
Informed that Sloan’s dog probably doesn’t
other than the seldom imitated, thankfully never
write,
can’t hold scissors, and certainly wouldn’t
duplicated John Kent, who was previously best
want to go on a trip with him, Kent was defiant.
known for spouting nonsensical BS in BIC 4374,
“I know that. I’m not stupid. I’m Presidential
but who will now be known for spouting
Fellow!!”
Kent continued, “I’m going to
nonsensical BS to the whole university. Taking
communicate a plan to undertake the 10-year
a break from his usual style of sounding almost
vision with a project that makes decisions for
intelligent yet saying little of substance, Kent
the leadership of Larry Brumley. That sounds
instead opted to finally sound as dim-witted as
CRAZY!”
he really is.
Indeed it does. Despite going against the
“I’m Presidential Fellow!!!” said an
ecstatic Kent. “Today, I’m going to be talking about the 10-year vision. misgivings of all those who truly know what Kent is really about, the decision
has already been made, and because this is Baylor, there is definitely no
Ten years is a long time to look. That’s like future talk or something.”
The duties of the Presidential Fellow include getting President Sloan going back. And so, we are left to a year of pointless blathering, semisome coffee, getting Jerome Loughridge some coffee, as well as getting intellectualism, and self-importance.
“I’m Presidential Fellow!!” emphasized Kent. “A dog that smokes
Larry Brumley some coffee. Asked about all the coffee, Kent seemed
cigars! That’s CRAZY! I’m Presidential Fellow!!!!”
confused.
Baylor Computer Store
What’s the matter baby? Isn’t
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my docking station?
You don’t need to visit some seedy place to meet your
hardware needs, just come see us… in the parking garage.
PO Box 97280
Phone: 710-2714
Fax: 710-2721
[email protected]
www.baylor.edu/computerstore
The Ones That Got Away
As another spring semester began yet
again, the Baylor populace looked back on the
memories of yesteryear. For it was during the fall
semester that Baylor had been graced by the
presence of the Jolly Black Giant of Comedy, Bill
Cosby. Famous for his work in such classics as
Leonard, Part 6 and his love of good pudding, it
was no wonder that Baylor invited William H.
Cosby Jr, or Bill as his friends call him, to speak
on behalf of parent’s everywhere.
His insights were keen as he spoke openly
about his love of the Baylor Bear…the bear of his
people, he claimed, and the tragic loss of his left
love nut to the cause of his daughter’s wedding.
Such blunt comments stunned the audience who
were more attune to the comic stylings of Gospel
Ventriloquist, Diana Williams.
“I didn’t quite understand what he was
doing,” said Baylor Regent, William H. Brian, age
84 and self-proclaimed 14th oldest fan of Strom
Thurmond. “He wasn’t singing. He wasn’t
dancing. He just kept jabbering all crazy like a
chicken with its head cut off. Metaphysically
speaking.”
But the fun was not to stop there. Cosby’s
comedic act had then been followed by the
appearance of the Ernest J. Gaines, author of such
classics as Cliff’s Notes: A Lesson Before Dying.
When asked about this second influx of celebrity
into the Waco community, Natalie Wood, local
counsel woman could only say, “Oprah made me
do it.”
So as the students returned to campus,
they looked forward to another taste of comedy
and culture. But when they went searching, all
they found were empty pudding cartons and very
slightly used books. It was then they realized the
shocking truth.
Bill Cosby and Ernest Gaines had left
Baylor.
The next day as Boss Hog Sloan sat in his
rocking chair on the porch of Pat Neff, he was
shocked to see an angry mob baying for justice to
be had on these runaways. Normally, such unruly
lynch mobs would be allowed to roam free, finding
scapegoats at will, but the presence of one lone
freedom fighter stayed the vengeful hand of the
Big Boss Man.
Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi called to the
crowd for peace. A problem of such Uncle Tom
proportions could only be solved in a manner
befitting the situation. Quickly the mob relocated
itself to the steamy wooden courtroom of the local
Waco Court House. Many a young woman sat you ask? Bro. Huey P. NoZeton, resident militant
fanning herself as the noble Bro. Obi-Wan and person of color, knows the answer. Bro. Huey
defended his case before the court. Only after was found sitting outside his shanty in the quarters,
the sincere promise that he would take the L-SAT which he fondly refers to as the Quad. Corncob
on “the next go-round” was he allowed to defend pipe protruding form his lips, he regaled his tale
the runaway comedian and author.
of times gone by.
Sloan paced to and fro in front of the
“You see, back in 1850, ole Brazos County
judge, his hands tugging nervously at his was filled with slaves. About 1,063 actually. It
suspenders. His white hat dipped low to hide his was a filthy business and everyone had their hands
eyes from the light. Boss Hog demanded to know in it. Including Judge R. E. B. Baylor. Well, the
how someone of such importance could slip under university was chartered back in, when was it?
the ever-watchful eye of the Baylor DPS. “True, Oh yeah, 1845. Who do you think built Baylor?
these two fellas came to Baylor as free men, but Whitey? I think not. It was the brother man.
soon as they walked on my campus, all that was, And who do you think made them do it? That’s
as they say, negated. Not only should Cosby and right. Judge Baylor. Just like Christianity started
Gaines have become property of the Brazos River with the imprisonment of the Jews, Baylor
Trust, but we should also have gotten Oprah by continued the tradition with us.”
association.” In defense, Sloan cited the chapter
Now, Boss Hog sits on the porch of Pat
in his eighth grade history book on the Dred Scott Neff Plantation, glass of lemonade in hand,
Case and his intense need for diversity on campus thinking about the two that got away, and the
by any means necessary.
students pass him by, stealing looks at the defeated
Quick on the draw, Bro. Obi-Wan pointed man, knowing that the true winner sits chilling in
out that in fact, slavery had been abolished in 1865 their fridge’s in all of its chocolatey goodness.
under the 13th amendment.
The courtroom
went silent.
“
T
h
e
Constitution?” yelled
Sloan. “We members of
this Republic will not
bow to the cow-tippings
of those Yankees. I’ll be
damned if I recognize the
Union of the North.”
Obi-Wan, never
one to miss a beat,
objected. “Your honor,
I would like to state that
Texas ceased to be a
Republic in 1845.”
A startled Sloan
fell limply into his seat. “I
knew there was a reason
I didn’t like that dang
Don’t just play with yourself…bring a friend!
Constitution. Someone
get Noley Bice in here to
see if we can get it
Buy one large bucket of balls, get one free.
burned, or erased, or
Must present coupon to receive balls. Valid until you use this coupon.
something…” Sloan
Even if you don’t want to rip this out, please bring it and show this to them.
then trailed off into the
silence of the courtroom.
Just across the river.
How did such
115 E IH 35
confusion come to be,
Homer’s Brazos Golf
753-8522
ACTUAL SIGNS OF INTELLIGENCE
FOUND IN BUSINESS SCHOOL
accompany its use, the possibility of dating an
Antiocher and/or a Pi Phi have been documented.
We here at the NoZe are just using this
opportunity to inform those of you who are
Whole New Lexicon to be Added to Already Cheesy Baylor Lingo
clueless of the dating scene as to the policies and
procedures to be followed. In addition to the
In a startling discovery, social scientists
“Dude, man, eph that ess. Eph that ess
already complicated differentiations to be made
have uncovered a previously unknown dialect of right in the aeh,” is now regularly heard in the
between those relationships which are classified
English, believed to have originated from the hallways of Hankamer High. A common reply to
as “hanging out” or “talking” or “casual sex,” it is
Hankamer School of Business. The dialect is of a the previous statement might be something along
important to know the lingo
more phonetic and
that facilitates moving past
mnemonic variance
uncomfortable situations
than that which has
and onto the more fruitful
been used in Baylor
pursuits of making out and
conversations of the
heavy petting.
past.
Some examples such
Though
as the codified DTR
the exact details of the
(defining the relationship
new tongue are yet to
talk), which must take place
be understood, this
either on campus after dark
much is known: the
or anytime in the sitting area
colloquial jargon may
outside Common Grounds
be used as a type of
are already known to the
code with which
Baylor student body athormonally-driven
large. Others, such as the
males,
feeling
archaic “aitch ee double
oppressed by the
hockey sticks” are being
censorship of religion
simplified and replaced by
and the detrimental
the singular “aitch,”
effects a bad first
displaying your personal
impression on a female
coolness index and your
might have on possible
Christian self-worth, both of
future coitus, may
which can further a
express themselves and
relationship to the point of
their frustrations in a Two students shown just after instructing each other in the proper way to “eph.”
buttons being undone.
manner which is not
So, gentle reader, as you
too unpleasing to the ear.
the lines of: “Jee dee, you’re right braw, that bee
embark on the perilous journey of dating at
The monosyllabic speech utilized by a far- doesn’t know what the aitch is going on. Eph her.”
Jerusalem-on-the-Brazos, just remember to avoid
ranging number of KOTs and Kappa Sigs, to the
This strange vernacular, cloaked in
the students in the Pre-Wed program and to curb
untrained ear, might sound like gibberish, Christian religiosity, makes the speaker appear to
your hormonally-driven rants so that they fit nicely
however, an entire connotation lies beneath the be wholesome, trust-worthy, and more of a
inside Baylor’s bubble of religious appraisal, happy
otherwise harmless verbiage.
disciple of Jesus than anyone who might go so far
feelings, and shallow conversations. Happy
as to use far uglier language to express his/her
petting, ephers!
point of view. Of the benefits known to
Common
Grounds
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1119 Speight
BAYLOR MISPLACES JESUS
Also Forgets to Put “I” Before “E”
Earlier this week, much to
the dismay of Baylor officials and
fundamentalists, Jesus reportedly
escaped from his holding quarters in
the basement of Sloan’s golden
phallus, Pat Neff. The Savior, who
for the past some-odd years had been
kept in a neat, orderly cage with all
the comforts previously afforded to
Judge Chance (parking cone, tire,
log, pile of fecal matter), was
rumored to have eluded his captors,
as there were subsequent reports and
sightings of The Big J across Waco.
Befuddled at the immortal
Birdman’s breakout and stricken
with anxiety over the possibility of
the Son of God referring to highranking administrators as types of
serpents, an APB was released from
Baylor’s center for justice and
parking tickets (the DPS) for a white
male, mid-thirties, brown hair,
wearing a toga, and resembling Bob
Seger, circa 1985. The description
was based on an oil painting laced
with velvet, adorning the wall of
Chief Doak’s lavatory.
“We just want
everyone to remain calm,”
Dim Joke had commented.
“Just be on the lookout for
miracles, strange-looking
persons speaking Aramaic,
and the apocalypse. Oh, and
under no circumstance
should you approach the
Suspect; He’s a slippery
bugger. Keep your distance
for your own safety and if He
tries to heal you, notify the
nearest available security
guard…I mean DPS officer.”
Tempers began to
flare among law enforcement
officials as repeated false-sightings
were reported again and again in the
community. Baylor freshman Jenny
Taylor lamented her story to us:
“Well, I guess it all started
when I stood up at Highland Sunday
school last weekend and told them
that I had found Jesus. It seems there
was an undercover agent in my class,
and I was immediately
arrested on the spot and
taken to the fellowship
room to be questioned.
They asked me where I had
found Him, what time of
day it was, and if He had
approached me, or I Him.
I then got grilled as to
where He had been hiding
and how it was that I knew
where to look for Him
when they had no idea. Are
those people really as
stupid as they seem?”
Multiple other
bogus reports seem to have surfaced
during the Son of Manhunt.
“All these dumb kids keep
claiming they’ve found Jesus, but
they can’t tell us where He was or
where He was going. I mean
honestly, was He behind your couch?
Was He walking down 12th street?
Not to worry though, every one of
those suckers who led us on a wild
goose chase got a boot on their car,
maybe that’ll jog their memory.
Shoot, we even had a report of a girl
encountering Jesus when she was
taking a shower at Collins. That
Perve’s gonna pay for that one,”
remarked an embittered officer.
All worries were put to rest,
however, when someone actually
decided to examine the Cage of
Holiness. It seemed a cruel joke
played by Jewish activists involving
a mound of dirt labeled “Golgotha”
obscured everyone’s view of the
Savior, who, the entire time, was in
His cell reading past issues of The
Rope to brighten up His day. In
related news, Todd Lake is wanted
for questioning concerning charges
of harassment and a particular
incident involving the showers of
Collins Hall.
Poppa Rollo’s
Schmaltz’s
Pizza Pie Parlor
Sandwich Shop
“Hey after rush info meeting, let’s head to Poppa Rollo’s.
They’ve got enough sausage for all of us.”
Bring in your whole family for a Schmaltz.
703 N. Valley Mills
776-6776
1412 S. Valley Mills
776-3964
105 S. 5th St.
753-2332
check your vision
E
a service of the baylor health department and the office of the vice president for university development
VE
RYON
ESHOU
20/70
20/60
20/50
20/40
LDFOLL
20/30
OWSLOA
20/20
NBLINDTR
20/15
USTISTHEKE
20/10
20/7
20/4
20/12
YHEWILLNOT
LEADYOUASTR
AYGIVEUSMONEYORELSE
*Linguist’s Note: This chart is proportioned correctly. Cut it out, place it 20 feet from your person, and let the fun begin.
Feeling out of your element?
Get your hands
on some BRIEFS
Toyota 4Runner Found To Be 110% Kappa an Impossibility,
Physicist Says
Fastest Car At Baylor
In an event that released shockwaves through the Baylor campus
last week, a new champion was crowned in the Speight Plaza Parking
Garage. Tori Kramer, a female sophomore who “was not invited back” to
Pi Phi’s parties during rush, crushed the competition and laid waste to the
record book as she and her 2002 Toyota 4Runner with the gold package
and leather interior achieved the highest speed ever recorded in a parking
facility at a Baptist center of higher education in Waco—a whopping 53.724
mph. Though many have attempted during their time at the Unifarcity to
accomplish such a feat, Miss Kramer saw past her competitors and realized
her dream.
The old landmark of 53.723 mph recorded the day before by a Kappa
Sig running a bit late to Small Group Communications is now located in the
lost annals of history as Tori has asserted herself as the new person to be on
the watch for while parking your vehicle. Tori actively encourages others
to pursue their dreams and listen to their hearts so that they too might
exceed a reasonable speed in the parking garage on their way to nirvana,
neglecting the safety of others and staying focused on the goal at hand.
On a sad note, Baylor DPS officials were not present to witness the
watershed event because they were occupied timing to see if those parked
in the “15 Minute Only” spaces were really only there for less than or equal
to a quarter of an hour.
Drunk Guy Chooses Middle
Urinal
This past weekend at a local Waco establishment known as Scruffy
Murphy’s, out of three possible urinals, an extremely intoxicated patron
chose to urinate in the urinal directly in the middle of the urinal
conglomeration, much to the surprise of another intoxicated patron, urinating
in the urinal directly to the right of where the other intoxicated urinating
patron chose to urinate.
“Well at first I was hoping he didn’t see me,” said the distraught
patron, “But when he struck up a conversation and asked me how my night
had been, I felt pretty violated.”
Apparently, this particular intoxicated patron has also been accused
of drinking after complete strangers, farting in public, and lacking any
significant amount of tact whatsoever. Students are advised to watch for
this patron in every bar in the entire world, or in the mirror.
Senseless Article has 0% Connection to
Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi
The Greek world was shocked Tuesday after irrefutable evidence
was presented that they were all living a lie.
“Help us,” was all that Stephanie Bloomfield could muster when
confronted with the situation at hand.
“It started innocently enough,” said Bro. NoZeanderthal, resident
physicist and vessel for the Nameless-One. “I was just walking to class
when I noticed a banner saying 110% Kappa Kappa Gamma. I thought to
myself, that’s not right. So I pulled out my old High School textbooks, and
what do you know, I found the truth.”
After intense research, Bro. NoZeanderthal found that there can
only be 100% of any given thing, therefore debunking the Kappa Kappa
Gamma slogan.
“It’s strange,” said Bro. NoZeanderthal. “The entire time I was
testing my theory, all I could think of was how much Bro. Obi-Wan KeNozebi
would get a kick out of this. Too bad he was nowhere to be seen when I
came up with the idea. Oh well.”
For those interested in helping the plagued Kappa’s, donations are
being accepted in the Student Government office in the Sub.
Brief Article Too Long To Fit
In Space
Too Short to Contain Multiple Jokes
In a literary tragedy, this article is too long to fit into this space in its
entirety. Because of the lack of space, many important points and 100% of
the jokes will be cut off, lost forever to the heartless gutter of modern
publishing.
Had there been enough space to fit this entire article into the paper,
you, the reader, would have no doubt hailed it as a supreme example of
satire. Of course, now that the article cannot be completed, the opposite
will most likely occur.
Nonetheless, the article below contains many jabs at all the folly
that is Baylor and will no doubt be something you will want to show your
children, or frame, or perhaps just use as toilet paper.
So you want to be a NoZe Brother?
Then why not
Unrush will probably be held on Thursday, February
6, 2003 at imprecisely 11:17 Past Milk in front of
Seventh and James hardly Baptist church. Potato
salad will be served. Be regaled by our wit, or don’t.
We don’t really care. Bring money if you like, and as
always bring a date and don’t come!
Unrush?
Paper pickup will happen on Sunday, February 9,
2003 at or around 6:47 Post Mortem at the Burleson
Statue at beautiful Baylor University. Satirical submissions of questionable quality will (reluctantly) be
accepted at this time (i.e. you have to do this if you
want to be a NoZe Brother). Please remember that we
sometimes read these so try to not use the teats, the
piddle, or the ca-ca. Submissions must also be 10,673
words or less (hopefully, much less). Oops, I almost
forgot one thing…BE FUNNY this time!
Screen-Tex Graphics
Custom Screenprinting & Embroidery
“Shouldn’t you be making a shirt
somewhere?”
At Screen-Tex we use only the best all-American
sweatshop labor.
1004 Franklin Ave.
754-0030