Also in this issue - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

Also
Also in
in this
this issue:
issue:
SING
SING THEMES
THEMES REVEALED,
REVEALED,
NO
NO ONE
ONE CARES
CARES
WELL
WELL WRITTEN
WRITTEN ARTICLE
ARTICLE
PERPLEXES
PERPLEXES AND
AND SHOCKS,
SHOCKS,
NO
NO ONE
ONE READS
READS
UnRUSH
UnRUSH 2k10
2k10 ANNOUNCED,
ANNOUNCED,
NO
NO ONE
ONE COMES
COMES
THE BROTHERS
CUNNING LINGUIST
Bro. Ted KenNoZedy, esq.
LORDE MAYOR
Bro. Jesus Loves Me, This I NoZe
SHEKEL KEEPER
Bro. NoZe’s Ark
MEDIA WHORE
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe
INTERNET LAD
Bro. ThumbeliNoZe
E-HARMONY.COM USERS
Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
Bro. AbstiNoZe
Bro. Cliff’s NoZE
Bro. Grand NoZe Party
Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
Bro. RomaNoZe Clef
Bro. Don’t Cry For Me ArgentiNoZe
Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-On
Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
Bro. Obi Wan KeNoZebi
Bro. NoZe v. Wade
THE BORED OF GRAFT
Bro. No Means NoZe
Bro. N-O-Z-E, etc
BROTHERS
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
NEWLY WEDS
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi
THOSE GUYS
Page 02
THE DATELESS LOSERS
Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory
Bro. NoZesome Dove
Bro. Bear NoZessitites
Bro. Hunter NoZe Thompson
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk
Bro. NoZe sequitur
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe
“We’ve come a long way, baby”
Holy Law # 1857
Leah, Becky, and Dani: Three of the
From The Desk Of The Cunning Linguist:
prettiest names I’ve ever heard.
As I begin my second semester as the editor of this sully rag, I’d like to take a look back
at my favorite moments from last semester. The ads, the keko, Holy Laws, pictures... pretty much anything that was space filler or that was written by me. And if it was written by me, then it was most assuredly space filler. Seriously, sometimes it’s like pulling
teeth with these guys.
“But Ted, I can’t write, I have sing practice!”
“Ted, I can’t be funny, I’m not drunk enough!”
“Ted, I’ve told you, I don’t want my wisdom teeth out!”
These excuses are all too common around the NoZe mansion. Think you’re funny and want
to be personally ridiculed by me? Come to paper pickup this Sunday. Or, shoot me an
email with your submission, phone number, and shoe size.
Brother Ted KenNoZedy
Ted KenNoZedy
Well well welcome to 2010, we’re about a month or two late but let’s begin. This “Valentine’s”
issue, timely and merry, a 12-page ode to successful solidarity. And while we know that you
love the whimsical parody I hope you appreciate some sarcastic clarity. Or perhaps pessimistic, egotistic, or all things cynical, as Baylor’s lost it’s deal at a school so clinical. While we understand the new business pinnacle it makes little sense in an establishment educational. If
the BAA deal was a testing ground, as say those rumors floating around, then surely those in
the know should have taken the hint, that no one wants a deal with close minded regents. No
Means NoZe wanted a mention (as we know she craves attention) so welcome back from your
promiscuous detention, now with hopes of subpar legs on retention. But enough of thighs,
and buggly eyes, or that last night she was with eight guys, yes enough of those truths, or so
we’ll try. Back to the matter at hand, Valentine’s come and gone, cries of “It’s not you, it’s
me”, and “I didn’t meant to lead you on”, or in the case of ThumbaliNoZe: “I’m not into Anime.”
It’s ok bud, we’re sure that you’ll get it someday. And have you seen this rug? Can I get a
satch? Satchel? Gob.
30 egaP
Okay We Give Up
You win, oh masters of the internet.
Perhaps we should have given up when The Iconoclast came on to the scene, as
there was no stopping their razor sharp observations on organized religion. They
had jabs at Antioch, and even went so far as to reveal not so widely known and
expressed stereotypes of other area churches. Really, no one had ever thought
to equate UBC to that of an alternative or indie brand, such astute observations.
Alas, these seminary students showed pity to our lowly publication, and allowed us
to continue writing our paper, so as long as they could squeak out an issue every
couple months or so.
However, this time, there is no reprieve; instead of some seminary students who
were granted 10,000 dollars in respect for their lofty ambitions in creating religious
satire, execution comes by the axe of the most daunting foe: bloggers. You see,
instead of going through formalities such as recognition from the university, these
satirical bandits need nothing but an internet connection, some free time before
their film class, and fist pumps from each other. These “Baylor Dudes” are armed
with a casual, “don’t care” attitude which automatically makes them immune to criticism, because they know for a fact their mommy still loves them.
Not that they would even receive criticism, as they are undoubtedly treading new
ground in Baylor themed satire. No other publication on campus, or even student in
ordinary conversation has never coined the term “Generic Baylor Girl”, and equated
Finding Thursday night empty and meaningless now
that the offifice sucks so much? Tired of your roommate leaving you to take care of their god forsaken cat while they go off gallivanting with their
new fiance? Looking for escape from your sorority
sisters bragging about their “functional” relationships? Does this situation outlined above sound like
a rip roarin’, no holds barred, moose filled good time?
Come to UnRush, where you’re among friends!
Not us, the other schmucks that’ll show up to this thing.
Join a cast of characters at the Burleson Statue
this Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 11:17 Pink Marmaduke as we search to find meaning in our own mundane lives. Marvel at our awkwardness! Laugh at us,
not with us! Bring a towel, and for Elmo’s sake, don’t
come!
Page 04
it to greek life, Nike Shorts, or daddy’s money. Lately, all the NoZe, founded in
1924, has been doing is wallowing in FIJI jokes, Sing references, and other cliché
jabs, which the Baylor guys have already pioneered in their couple months of
existence.
These Baylor Dudes are also getting the general Baylor public excited, popularizing
the ghost town of Facebook, creating a fan page to keep up with their daily cranking out of heralded articles. Industrial Revolution be damned, all this being done on
a daily basis by five students, who must already be busy with their involvement with
other campus organizations, service projects and the female sex. How they find
time to crank out an article a day is damn confounded, and The Noble NoZe Brothers would like to know, because their usual strategy of sniffing glue hasn’t produced
a bountiful harvest of the funny.
So the only logical thing we can do to compete is to start our own scavenger hunt;
because our tradition of printing a paper with generous advertisers and loyal readership has failed to pay off. We’ve been going about this the wrong way for years,
instead of writing fake parking tickets, preventing the BAA from a hostile takeover,
and other campus pranks over the years can in no way compete in legitimacy with
a Starbucks Giftcard giveaway. These guys probably are good with sororities. I bet
they get crushed. And I for one, want to get crushed.
POINT: Doppelgängers Week is Forced
By No Means NoZe, resident female
This doppelgänger thing is sickening. Everyone just posts pictures of someone they
wished they looked like, in the hopes that they’ll get comments that are all, “Whoa,
you totally look like Christian Bale!” when they totally DON’T. And everyone who’s
not as narcissistic as the people who immediately posted pictures of Kate Beckinsale
or whatever are all “I don’t have a doppelgänger! Sad face! Who do I look like?” in
the hopes that their mom or whoever will be like, “You look like Heidi Klum, sweetie!”
when they look like Heidi Montag, pre-op. Or post-op. Either way it’s pretty scary.
The point is, this week is for people to proclaim they are as good-looking as celebrities and draw on the most obvious similarities, like hair color, so that maybe someone
will actually mistake that picture for them. And did anyone even know what the word
doppelgänger meant before this week? Obviously not since it’s being used incorrectly. “The word is used to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in
peripheral vision, in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a
reflection. They are generally regarded as harbingers of bad luck. In some traditions,
a doppelgänger seen by a person’s friends or relatives portends illness or danger,
while seeing one’s own doppelgänger is an omen of death.” And that’s straight from
Wikipedia! Harbingers of bad luck, people. Omens of death. And that picture you
have posted? YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE IT.
So you screwed up Valentine’s and forgot to buy a gift. She’s left, heartbroken, and you’re alone, humiliated. Oh, a typical Sunday night. We here at
The Rope understand. And that’s why we’ve scrawled up some helpful tips to win back that little Baylor lady’s heart now that you’ve torn it to shreds:
1.
Screw the conventional items-Flowers, candy, teddy bears
holding hearts, cards…go for something different, that way
she knows you’re not just any other shchmuck. get her a Valentine’s Day Ant Terrarium. It shows that you have an interest
in entomology as well as an interest in romance. And really,
what girl doesn’t love that?
2.
Don’t give her your heart-give her the world’s largest inflatable heart! That way, she knows you mean business. Available
at worldslargestinflatableheart.com. (if you go here, you are
pathetic).
Speaking of business, a nice set of monogrammed stationary
always lands on that impersonal note you’ve been trying to hit
since she mentioned her ovulation cycle. Also, it’s handy for
writing you that thank you note you so richly deserve.
3.
4.
Women love cleaning supplies: it’s not a myth. And if she
doesn’t, and she scowls when you present her with a Swiffer
Wetjet and some 409, then criticize her hygiene and tell her
she disgusts you. She’ll be groveling back to prove her love to
you by scrubbing your floors in no time.
5.
When all else fails, go for jewelry. But by all means, avoid
diamonds or anything expensive-how cliché! Get her what
she really wants-a unique piece that will last a lifetime. Like
squirrel-feet earrings or a necklace with a charm shaped like
an embarrassing body part. If all else fails, try a Sunshine Girl
teapot from etsy.com. Weird is the new “sensitive”, I hear.
4310 West Waco Drive
(254) 776-2200
Counterpoint: OMG, doppelgänger week!
I SO had to participate. Leave some love,
people! I get this one allllll the time….
“So I forgot Valentine’s day. There’s no reason for her to look at me with
those eyes. And that face. I mean, sure, I bailed to chill with Bro. NoZey
Loves Chachi, but there’s no reason for her to make that horrible face. I’ll
take her to Practically Pikasso. That’ll smooth things over. I’m not sure
anyone can do anything for those wrinkles, though.”
-- Brother Tickle Me ElmNoZe
50 egaP
“I tell you what, man, dang ol’ liquor ain’t the same when you ain’t got no
folks what share that dang ol’ drink with. Them boys at Scruffs, I tell you
what... consolers of the lonely, I tell you what.”
-- Brother NoZesome Dove
OPEN @ 9 P.M.
1226 Speight
A little something for the ladies...
Welcome back Upper East of 12th streeters, Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Baylor’s elite. I
see it didn’t take you long to dirty up the clean slates I gave you. My inbox is overflowing, so let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?
They say the past is the past, but that’s not the case for every freshman girl with dreams of the glamorous sorority life. No cut
of fabric will cover up the indiscretions of the fall. Drinking in Collins? Getting sloppy with a Theta’s boyfriend? Living in Kokernot?
Better luck next year. But don’t worry, I hear Sing Alliance is looking for a new lead in this years production: “We were too fat or
awkward to get in: Part Four.” Delta Delta Cry sweetie. What I want to know? When is Trey Bourland going to get a bid from Kappa?
2010 Ladies. Tick Tock on the Clock.
Speaking of bitches, two Fiji’s were spotted outside the Whitehouse arguing over who got a better deal at Nordstroms on their
matching Burberry scarves. Lots of slapping and nails breaking here. Looks like the pot calling the kettle black has these young Phi
Gam’s boiling over. Someone pour these men a drink. Make it a Cosmo, or something tropical. Don’t forget the lime.
A group of Pikes were scene shopping at the Highland Mall this past weekend. Hanging out at one of the sketchiest places in Waco?
Sorry boys, but if the shoe fifits - embrace it.
Let us not forgot about our favorite freshman couples late night at Penland. M f inally put his P in E’s V, but didn’t wear a C! And
it looks like our E forgot to take her BC this month. Oh no, what will this Collin Cutie do with a little B? Even worse for E, this B’s
daddy is an English major.
The most popular social group on Baylor campus, KOT, proved why they are a true product of Baylor’s anti discrimination policy as
they took a record breaking 83 pledges this semester. Grab your Baylor Id’s and let’s go celebrate boys. But don’t get too high on
yourselves. Remember the faster you rise, the harder you fall. I hope that Wrangler shit you wear doubles as a parachute.
And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell . . You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Page 06
“Sure, the mansion is a great setting to break everything in sight, take your
2410 S. 2nd St,
pants off at the table and play ‘kick the pickle’, but when even Bro. N-O-Z-E’s 254.754.2800
dog’s nose wrinkled at the sight of the mess that had become our gathering
place, I knew something had to be done. I’m moving to Bandera Ranch.”
--Brother No Means NoZe
703 N. Valley MIlls
254.772.9348
“Oh God, here I am again. I’m not sure why I even joined this damned thing.
Between the sausage jokes and the tension filled, innuendo laden conversation these two share, this group is pretty unbearable. Oh well, at least the free
Poppa Rollos makes the depression subside.”
Drink Specials on Monday and Tuesday
-- Brother Hunter NoZe Thompson
Group Seating for 150+, 15.... or 1.
VALENTINE’S PERSONAL ADS: BAYLOR MALES DESPERATELY SEEKING MATE
We at the Rope believe in love. We really do. Or, we believe in using love as a convenient façade for our purposes: namely,
landing fine drinks and fine women. But far be it for us to deny other men these luxuries, and with too much paper space and
too many Brothers like Hunter NoZe Thompson willing to write, we decided to sell some ads to the men who appear to need
them most at Baylor-ladies, snatch ‘em up before a yell-leader beats ya to it.
Holy Law # 1924:
86 Breakups, 86 saved Chik-Fil-A
coupons.
C-Mack- Baylor Staffer, still, sortof
Clint Neider- U Wanna Come Over?
Penland Hall-monitoring, Bear Pit Jersey-sporting, Baylor Staff
lifer. Prefers a woman from Collins, doesn’t mind older girls,
does mind dorm rule-breakers. Turn-ons: David Dulcie, Christian
fiction, missionaries (the philanthropists, not the position). Turnoffs: Group showering, beer breath, anti-Christian propaganda
(books not written by an M.Div.)
No, really. Join my facebook group, it’s called “ U Wanna Come
Over?” and is dedicated to how awkward I make females. Proud
brother of Phi Kappa Chi. Turn-ons: Jesus (is that wrong? I
thought girls liked that.), french kissing my pillow, Sing moves.
Turn-offs: pretty much limited to some forms of plant life.
Wesley Dunlap- Baylor Bear Extraordinaire
Justin Blalock- Obviously, I was on crew. For a little
while.
McCalister-Managering, Bear Pit Moshing, Chamber joining, all-around good time Baylor Boy. Seeking girl, must
be a die-hard Bear fan, preferably from a 4th generation
Baylor family. Turn-ons: StuFu shirts, bear costumes,
Sub Sic ‘Ems, school spirit. Turn-offs: Jason’s Deli goers
Lived in Martin, willing to accept any and all applications or
proposals of marriage. Turn-ons: asking out any girl I’ve ever met
briefly in class, robo-cop shades, NoZe brothers. Turn-offs: none.
1412 N. Valley Mills Dr. “A nice sandwich would be great right now. A nice sandwich and a date. I
254.776.3694
should call up Susan and see if she’ll go with me to Schmaltz’s. Yeah,
Schmaltz’s. Maybe then she’ll finally learn my name. Anything is better than
‘That creepy guy from Bio Lab.’”
--Brother Jesus Loves Me, This I NoZe
70 egaP
Every now and then, once every blue moon, etc. etc. more clichés that reinforce
that something may happen quite rarely, I like to take time out of my busy schedule
to impart my knowledge onto others. What is this busy schedule you ask? Well, my
day begins with a headache from the MD 22, only to give way to the headache that
is induced by my alarm’s steady and unwavering reminder that I will indeed have to
walk another day on the streets of Good Ol’ Baylor (Gobelisimo!). Perhaps the best
decision I make all day comes next, when I hit the snooze button, giving me ten
more minutes to cry silently but violently into my pillow. I’ll spare you the details to the
rest of my day, but I will tell you: its more uncomfortable than sitting through a viewing of “According to Jim” with a group of terminally ill 6 year olds.
“This sock puppet is the only
friend I have. If only someone
would take me out to that fine
comics place, I hear they sell
action figures. I bet they sell
‘happiness’, too.”
--Brother ThumbaliNoZe
1321 S. Valley Mills Drive
254.755.0070
The Rope Presents:
“How was it?”
A Quiz About Valentine’s Day
I spent my valentines day a. locked inside an administrative building
b. with my special lady
c. at Antioch praying for the sins of lustful, valentines day Satan worshipers
My significant other gave me a. a terrible rash
b. a box of chocolates and an adorable card
c. salvation
When my valentine’s day coitus ended I said a. sorry
b. I Love you
c. to combat sin one must know it intimately
My favorite “sweetheart” candy inscription is a. “why cant it all just end?”
b. “be mine”
c. “lets just cuddle again tonight”
Page 08
Without further straying, I like to sometimes impart my knowledge onto the ladies of
Baylor. This pet hobby of mine started when I noticed the cold, lifeless eyes of one of
my classmates while she was eating lunch with her Phi Chi boyfriend. She’d never be
satisfied, emotionally or well, in other ways either. But perhaps it wasn’t entirely the
Phi Chi’s fault that she was unhappy. Maybe it was hers as well. So, I present to you
5 translations to better understand and service your man. I was going to make it 69
ways, but I don’t have the time and you probably don’t have the attention span. I’m
surprised you even got this far.
5.
“I really think that you’d look good in that shirt.”
Translation: “Seriously, you dress like a damn nun. That shirt over there
could actually salvage this relationship, would it kill you to show a little
skin?”
4.
“What movie do you want to go see tonight?”
Translation: “I’m giving you the illusion of choice. When it comes down
to it, I’m the one paying for the movie and I’ll be damned if I am going
to watch Meryl Streep for 90 minutes.”
3.
“I don’t want you to meet my friends, you wouldn’t like
them anyway.”
Translation: “This isn’t going to last. Pretty soon I’ll grow tired of you.
The thought of your naked body makes me tremble.”
2.
“I’m actually in Fiji.”
Translation: “My buddies `are going to be taking some fishing trips soon.
I need to know that you’re cool with this.”
1.
“I’m kind of tired, I think I’ll just take you home.”
Translation: “I’m no longer attracted to you in anyway, and I am out of
Jack Daniels, so there’s no way I can muster enough courage to climb
into bed with you.”
Holy Law # Not exactly under 17:
Most everything can be taken as an insult nowadays,
even a compliment of a certain girlfriend’s “Party in
the USA” song.
Dear
Lorde
Mayor
A column like a rash that never leaves.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Well this valentines was a bust. I sent my boyfriend a love letter
sealed with a kiss and perfumed with the finest oils. I waited for him
in my bathtub, the room covered in rose petals, completely nude.
I waited there until I got all nasty and pruny, checked my phone,
and found some texts saying he was in Dallas for his hazing. What
happened Lorde Mayor? We used to be so in love and now he has
changed completely.
Signed sexually frestrated frushmen
Dear new K-D pledges,
You will quickly learn, or rather, should have already learned by
now, that men go through certain changes when they get to college. It’s like puberty but more annoying, and has no benefit to
sexual reproduction. When your man gets into college he will suddenly develop a love for neon colors, headbands, ultimate Frisbee,
and keystone light. At the same time he looses all interest in
bathing, education, and women. And have you seen this rug?
“At least the gut pack
gives me a reason to get
out of bed in the morning.”
--Brother NoZe’s Ark
1600 Speight Ave.
254.752.7591
The Rope Presents:
“Results”
Results from A Quiz About Valentine’s Day
Dear Fiji pledges
Well there’s these little blue bottles right next to the five hour
energy drinks at the Skinny’s on LaSalle. Also the analogy of a
square peg in a round hole comes to mind.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
How do I know if I’m getting hit on?
Bored and Interested
Mostly A’s:
Each day is more terrible than the last. Valentine’s day is no exception.
Maybe it’s time to just stop trying. We should hang out.
Mostly B’s:
Well aren’t you just mister jolly peachy dandy. I hate you. Put down this
paper and go back to your perfect life. Hint: it’s all a lie and will come
tumbling down.
Mostly C’s:
I didn’t expect anyone to answer any other letter for these questions. Lets
not forget where we are. I’ll see you in hell.
Dear D-Garr,
How the hell should I know? You know those regents much better
than I do, anyway.
90 egaP
The
Sing Reveal
We kind of feel bad about revealing everyone’s acts in this article. Wait, actually, scratch that-we don’t care. Sing has been on the tip of everyone’s tongue since the spring
semester started, with everyone keeping their act a secret like it’s a damn government conspiracy. These aren’t nuclear codes, people-they’re wannabe Broadway acts
shortened down to the most torturous forms known to paying audiences. We don’t even know who to ridicule more-the participants, the paying public, or ourselves, for being
so caught up in the drama that we actually printed an article on the subject. So without further ado, plot-spoiler drum roll:
Tri Delt - “Flowers”
Between the fact that a rumored costume is ‘pansy,’ and the obvious pollination pun-too many jokes, our heads are going to explode.
Fiji - “On the Road Again”
Sing Alliance - “Newspaper”
Where exactly are you going, boys? To hide your faces in shame for ever thinking
Hmmm…and I wonder which song will prominently feature men dancthat teaming up with Theta was a good idea, we hope. Or to take the express lane
ing? The ones with the guys in suspenders and newsboy caps? Talk
all the way to the men’s club….either way, it’s a trip you’ve been on.
about an issue we’ve all read before…
ATO - “Pirates”
Alright, you’ve forced me…this was obviously the only way these guys were ever
gonna get some booty.
Phi Chi - “Mountain Men”
I’m sorry, what? Jesus didn’t work last year so you’re finally giving up and giving the
people Brokeback Mountain? Well it’s a good thing you boys have already went to
heaven last year, because we have a feeling that Baptists aren’t gonna like Men in
Tents. Men in tights, totally acceptable…but men in tents?
Pi Kap- “???”
Well, it’s either prep school or combat
and I for one think they should go for
combat, invite Chamber up on stage,
and then bring out real weaponry and
put everyone out of their misery.
Pi Phi - “Circus”
The queens of act-stealing, these girls are unconcerned that Tri Delt was runner-up with
Theta - “Ring by Spring”
“Greatest Show on Earth” (a circus theme, imagine that…) a few short years ago. Of
REALLY?! The girls LEAST likely to ever get a marriage proposal are doing
course, ripping off Chi O and Kappa’s former acts (creeping in the dark towards something, ring by spring….well, at least we know they’ll do anything to get it.
barn, haunted house, whatever, and schoolgirls, respectively) wouldn’t be enough for these
girls. Original though…nah. Too hard. Silly Pi Phi’s, Pigskin is for thinkers! Of course, we’ve
SAE and Sigma Chi
also been tipped that it might be “Candyland,” which is just preposterous. Not one of those
KOT - “Toy Box”
Drunk and sloppy, as usual.
girls ever figured out board games, so how would they turn it into a musical number?
Let’s be honest, these boys love
their toys. And we don’t just mean
Zeta - “We never make it”
KKG - “Diamonds, Jewelry, Sparkly Things...”
guns and fishing poles. The real
...Something along those lines. All we know is, they want us to know they’re rich Oh, that’s not their theme, that’s just the
question is, does anyone know
only relevant aspect of their act.
and they’ll buy their way into Pigskin if they have to, damnit. That or they’ll buy
how dirt on their faces is going to
some Kappa Sigs to do it for them again.
play into this? It must, somehow.
KXA- “....”
KSig - “Oil Rig”
We honestly don’t know, nor do we care.
I’m really hoping this is a fluke. First cowboys, then oil rigs? Is your theme next year going But why kick ‘em while they’re down…
to be “Something else George Bush claimed to do well?” We all know the closest you boys Chi O - “Bubble Bath”
have been to working a ranch or a rig has been that Alpha Chi you nailed last week who
Sweet Elmo, that’s just shameless. First you rip your skirts off to reveal
was from West Texas…you’re not foolin’ anyone. Should be interesting, though, when you golden underthings (and that’s what you’ve been digging for? Honey, everystrike oil and uh….spurt. Really we were just trying to get that word anywhere into the
one knows no one has to dig to get under your skirts) doing the SPLITS no
paper that we could.
less….now you’ll be parading around stage in what, towels? For God’s sake,
AChiO - “Weather”
just make sure your choreography includes something other than walking in
It’s raining, it’s pouring, they’re dancing, they’re whoring. Or, when it
rains, they’re whores. Either would be a top choice for the act name. circles this year. The judges must have fallen asleep and woken up just in
time to see the splits and liked what they saw.
ADPi - “Playing Cards”
Chamber- “Too sorry to compete, but we wanna play too!”
You have to hand it to these ladies, they always manage to
Yes, sadly, it’s true-Chamber IS the opening act this year. As usual, Chamber
go with a theme that will undoubtedly feature large, shapeless, brightly colored costumes. And we’re all quite thankful. is taking the spot no one else wanted and making it, well, even more undesirable. Way to ruin everything, guys.
As Kappa has made clear-nobody wants to watch a fatty
do rigorous dance moves in tight, sequined polyester.
I think that about wraps it up. If we’ve missed any-well, that’s because they’re probably gonna suck anyway. And
if we’ve gotten any wrong, we don’t apologize. It means one of two things-either we didn’t care enough to dig up
the juice, or they actually might be worth watching. Probably the former, though. Definitely the former.
Page 10
1211 Speight Ave
296.0095
11 egaP