Fall 2 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood
Transcription
Fall 2 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood
Here We go again... The First Page NoZe brother right here Venerable Exiles Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut Bro. AbstiNoZe Bro. NoZe v. Wade Bro. Cliff ’s NoZe Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott Bro. Fats DominNoZe Bro.RomaNoZe Clef Bro. Al PaciNoZe Bro. NoZeanderthal Bro. ObiWan KeNoZbi Bro.Charles K.PoNoZi Bro. IgNoZetious Reilly Bro. NoZencrantz Bro. LongNoZe Bro. IgNoZetious Reilly Bro. No means NoZe Bro. Hurrican KatriNoZe Bro. NoZe Table for 6 Bro. NoZe BGYN Bro. Rin Tin TiNoZe Bro. Ted KeNoZedy Bro. PanchNoze Villa Bro. Breakin’ to electric NoZealoo Bro. N-O-Z-E find out what it means to be Bro. Grand NoZe Party Bro. Don’t Cry For Me ArgentiNoZe Bro. XeNoZe Warrior Princess Bro. CappucciNoZe Bro. Love Potion #NoZe Bro. Mu Mu Mu MySharoNoZe Bro.Bring in the NoZe Bring in the Funk Bro. Ultra MagNoZe Bro. NoZetreDame Walkon Complaints? Send them to: [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Or Check out our Internets So we can print then shred them Twitter.com/NoZeBrotherhood TheNoZe.org Flag football Briefs: A List of People you don’t care about And the Award for Most Bored of Graft Goes to... Bro. NoZe’s Ark- Cunning Linguist Bro Tickle me ElmNoZe- Lorde Mayor Bro. Bear NoZecessities- Shekel Keeper Bro. Jesus Loves me! This I NoZe- V-neck afficianado Runners Up Bro. MeNoZePause Bro. NoZein on the Ritz Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory - Really, really good looking Bro ThumbeliNoZe- he does the website Bro. Life Ain’t Easy for a Boy Named NoZe Bro. Hunter NoZe Thompson Bro. NoZesome Dove Most Improved Bro. Taco CabaNoZe Bro. Beverly Hills 9021NoZe That Guy Bro. NoZeSequitor Those Other Guys Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Bro. KuntNoZeKinte Faculty Hostage Bro. NoZe Better* ... And a Cast of Thousands Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on Brother LongNoze, Satch! BSS! BMMC! HGRS! JLRC! WFFF! DGDC! KSCIC! One Keko, two Keko, three Keko, four. Let me finish this Keko then I’m out the damn door. Six minutes to takes this dull rag to print. I typed so much filler my wrist’s in a splint. The mansion’s abuzz at this time of year, time to buy a box of wine and a keg of cheap beer. Comehoming, beardcombing, and other ways to spruce up. you’ll never find a brother without leen in his cup. But thats enough about our cough medicine addiction. Let’s spend the rest of our natural born lives crafting paper mache. It’s not like I was gonna get laid anyway. The floats the floats the floats are on fire the Baylor regents found a new puppet to hire. Kenny’s alright though, just in small doses. But give it to us straight : whats the 2012 prognosis? Ask not how you can take advantage of your education, but how will your educators take advantage of you?! Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Statchel? Satchelisimo! The Penland Cougar Hunters defeated the Martin Maniacs 55-0, giving the Maniacs further insight that checking “no preference” on their housing application consequently marked the beginning of a belittling, melancholic next four years. At least its quiet though, right? NoZe Brother Not a NoZe Brother Fifteen seconds into the KOT/SAE match up, student referee Greg Pollard decided to cancel the game due to safety concerns after claiming to see a tornado. Despite the fact that there were no records of any inclement weather in the area, Pollard still got paid and made it home in time for the beginning of “The Office”. Theta shut out Tri Delt last night 25-0. More interesting story: If Theta was there, who was running hell? Fiji came from behind to rail Kappa Sig 33-15: The start of the game was delayed 20 minutes in accordance with the no jewelry policy, after Fiji was asked to remove the jewels and sequins they glued to their jerseys. A Note From the Least Cunning of Linguists: Knowing the Difference could save your life! We learned a lot of things in the weeks preceding Comehoming. Like the appropriate reaction to someone sneaking up on you in a dark apartment and tapping your left shoulder but they are really standing to your right (hint: its not what you would think). We also learned a little about how the Baylor Lariat can create a special issue telling you and everyone else your age how terrible you are. But I think the most important thing I learned was that a beard and fake nose glasses aren’t appropriate attire for every occasion (Sorry mom). So lets just hope that this year everyone else learned a lesson too. Maybe this year no borderline schizophrenics use the swingdance float as a way of eluding the police, and that ATO tones down the whole “Brokeback” theme just a smidge. But who am I kidding, gay cowboys and crazy people dancing alone are as much a part of Baylor as intolerance and poor living conditions. Tenative Homecoming Gameday Schedule for Recent Fraternity Alum 2:00 AM: Close out bar tab [paid for by active member] at Scruff’s. 2:11 AM: Remind him that the quality of girls and/or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. 3:00 AM: Crash on his couch, complaining that its too small and you totally could have gone home with that sophomore AXO. 11:00 AM: Shit, you’ve missed the parade. Remind yourself [and current actives] you never went anyway because you were too busy slaying soros. 12:30 PM: Show up to tailgate. Say you’re going to donate a lot of money to the active chapter. 12:45 PM: Remind current members that the quality of girls and/or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. 1:00 PM: Shotgun a beer in an event coordinator’s face like a champ. 1:30 PM: Remind current members that the quality of girls and/or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. 2:30 PM: Its gametime! Pass out in the tailgating chair’s truck bed. 7:30 PM: Attend alumni dinner in a blackout-drunk stupor in your game day polo. 7:42 PM: Remind current members that the quality of girls and/or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. 10:56 PM: Show up uninvited to homecoming late night. Be sure to grab an active’s girlfriend and make out with her. You’re super rad, and everyone should know it. 10:57 PM: Remind current members that the quality of girls and or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. The Next Day 11: 55 AM: Wake up; get in your old Grand Cherokee, and head back to your empty existence selling insurance. Dear Lorde Mayor… Didn’t you like my scholarly essay that I sent you regarding the band Rush? -“I’m sooooooo random!!!!” Dear Freshman Unrusher, Seriously, since when have people taken our paper prompts seriously? And on that note, since when have people taken us seriously? Oh, and you’re not funny. Dear Lorde Mayor, Who edits your Wikipedia page? Its full of grammatical errors, historical inaccuracies, and subjective assertions. Someone ought to fix it up. -Mysterious Passive Agressive Dear BowlingGuy, Haven’t you ever read our paper? Oh, and please change the text on the front page to our website. It’s filthy and kind of depressing. I suggest more funny, and maybe some Lisa Frank unicorns, puppies, or some of that cutesy shit. Yeah, we need to reach out more to the female demographic. Dear Lorde Mayor, Why haven’t you answered my 137 email questions for “Dear Lorde Mayor”s? -“I’m soooooo Random” Dear Freshman Unrusher, You’re still not funny. And we don’t often use that advanced of technology. Are you familiar with Morse code? Dear Lorde Mayor, When are you guying to pay that tab? -Your real friends Dear Dancing Bear Pub, I’ve got some neos now. I’ll send them over first thing Monday to get it all sorted out. Prepare me another pint already, this empty beer mug reminds me too much of my sophomore year. This is what happens when you send us too many emails about Rand Paul 11:56 AM: Remember you were supposed to donate to the chapter. 11:57 AM: Remind yourself that the quality of girls and/or drugs was vastly better when you were an undergraduate. “Once they see that I have Spider Man issue #62, I’ll be the coolest kid in school” Bankston’s 1321 S Valley Mills Dr Comics and (254) 755-0070 Collectables Holy Law #8675309: Quit Drunk Dailing Me! We’ve come a long way from a lonely man sitting in the blistering heat, with his camel, smoking a delicious blend of authentic shisha... Now theres no camels around 217 S 4th St Waco, TX 76701 (254) 732-8026 40 Thieves Hookah Lounge NoZe on the street asks... “What Has Changed Since Your Homecoming Years?” Holy Law #10.34-5: Large Awkward spaces can often be filled with Holy Laws to cover up your lack of formating skills Point: The Jokes For These Articles Are in the Titles by, Concerned reader #2216 This part might as well just be blank. CounterPoint: Ramble Ramble Ramble by, Brother NoZein’ on the Ritz The drugs and the women used to be so much better - Benny Rippen, recent Delta Tau Delta Alumni Didn’t we used to defend a flame or something? - Sam Schultz, Business Undergraduate When I was a freshman our floats were pulled by wooly mammoth driven carriages. - Bro. MeNoZePause, really old I believe It was Aristotle himself who said: “If you can’t be funny just keeep writing untill you stumble upon a joke”. or maybe it was brother Burlington NoZe Factory. But anyway someone said something about something. and quotes are a great way to introduce a thesis. Henceforth, heretofore, and inclusively I shal empart to you the wisdom of true humor; awkward phrasing and self deprication. It is an art forged in the fires of the highest peaks of the volcanic mountians we shal herby refer to as “experience”. Experience of this cruel world that so shapes us into the bigoted loathsome creatures who find no joy in the singing of the sirens, nor the taste of Baccus’s finest fermented brews. This bitterness, this outright disdain for all things good is what has sharpened our rapier wit and now is transcribed on this very page. people love to read hundreds and hundreds of words of the purest nonsense in the hopes of finding some kind of joke, some nugget of wit hidden amongst the wreckage of commas and sentence fragments. “The titles are the joke” ; pah! This is the true essence of high brow humor my friend. point 12 font times new-freakin-roman, no bells and whistles, just unprotected unlubricated wit. Embrace it, because so long as we need to fill up space, we ain’t never gonna stop doin’ it. Baylor University: It’s like an expensive detroit oooh, this is going to be my first Homecoming as a Christian - Ken Starr, Bossman I’m pretty sure I said: “but now ye rejoice in your boastings, and all such rejoicing is evil.” Jesus H. Christ, Savior “guys can we do this whole Death Star thing some other time? I want another gut-pack” Vitek’s BBQ galactically delicious 1600 Speight Ave. Waco, 76706 (254) 752-7591 He’s climbin in yo windows, snatchin your food up. He’ll act like he is gonna shoot you but then just steal your raman noodles and knickknacks from your apartment. Now my midnight stroll past Collins is overshadowed by a fifteen percent chance of a two hooded men poking me with an unloaded shotgun and asking me for all my “paper and scrilla.” A report came out from the Baylor police department about the plan to tackle this rise in petty theft. Chief officer Periwinkle said “We will be transferring 2 cars and 6 bicycles from the 56 vehicle fleet that tickets cars in the southeast corner of campus. The smallest of six ticketing fleets (the southeast corner consists of only Waco hall and Memorial). No other cars can be spared from other, more lawless, campus sectors; there are too many Jeep Wrangler 4 doors parking in the designated 30 minute parking spots for almost 34 minutes.” Obviously the BUPD can’t let ticket revenue drop below tuition payments. Thankfully the Waco P.D. is well funded enough to keep the Baylor bubble from being popped and spilling the filth and debauchery that is eastern Waco. However, this small hole is causing a leak of slow moving criminals to the outer parts of Baylor Campus aka the La Salle area and I-35 corridor. Avoid these areas, and pray you’re not the next victim of these hooded rapscallions. Baylor’s new 2012 vision Point: LaceDarius “He was ecstatic when I told him I would Schmaltz on a first date.” 1412 N Valley Mills Dr # 136 Waco, 76710 (254) 776-3694 Schmaltz’s Sandwich Shop Dunn arrested on assault charges By an impartial news source LaceDarius Dunn, the guard for the Baylor men’s basketball team, was suspended from said team after being brought up on aggravated assault charges. After a warrant was issued, Dunn turned himself in, but was soon released after posting $12,500 bail. The police investigation found that a woman, who turned out to be Dunn’s girlfriend, suffered from a left mandibular angle fracture and a right mandibular body fracture. He broke her jaw. Badly. just to be clear, we here at the NoZe Brotherhood subscribe to the idea that outside of supervillians and Russian secret agents, there’s no excuse for hitting any woman ever. What Doesn’t kill you, makes me richer By the girlfriend’s Dad and handcuffed after drinking an O’Doules then stumbling onto campus after a Zeta Zigga Zamma function, the Baylor Police Department has issued a new mandate. In order to prevent embarrassment and defacing of Baylor’s fine Baptist reputation, BU Police urge students to get better at holding their liquor. “ As hilarious as it is to see a kid in a neon tanktop try to run away from us after five or six jager-bombs, its a hell of a lot of paper work to fill out if you have a fatal arrythmia after we taze you” explains Chief of Police, Jim Doak. “We want to just ignore it, but when kids can’t hold their liquor and crawl on all fours down Speight Avenue singing ‘Jessie’s Girl’ we pretty much have to write them up”. In order to avoid responsibilities normally reserved for moms, Baylor PD has published a few suggestions in order to try and save the “innocent” souls from wasting Mommy and Daddy’s precious money on court fees and rope courses (yes this is what they make you do if you are caught drinking). Tip 1. Stay away from the Fiji house, period. basically poison) that have altered your weak body. The whole loaf, if necessary. Tip 3. Drink your body weight in water, flushing the booze out this way is a little less incriminating. Unless you do it on a bush in the Burleson Quadrangle at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday night Okay look, we all know Lace is destined to play pro ball, and I’m sick of living in this God-forsaken shanty town. I have a family to support man! and getting a little kickback from an NBA son in law would certainly make it easier. You can call me Lot and turn my wife into a pillar of salt all you want. I don’t care... I’ve got my eye on the prize. Besides, he did it because he loves her. Lace is a good guy deep down, right? Also, due to the abundance of charges this year, a new course will be added in the Spring semester for those who are in need of further assistance. If interested please enroll in: Building Your Tolerance 1301, Counter-Counterpoint: Texas Young Conservatives Jealous of Gaga’s Meat Dress In an interview on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, political icon and anatomical propositioner Lady GaGa wore an evening dress designed by American fashionita A1 SteakHaus. The meat aficionada claimed that besides being a tasty treat for a diva on-the-go, her flank steak ensemble served to promote growth of the cattle industry in SubSaharan Africa. The starlette stated, ”I’m all about supporting a cause. My earnest desire is for all impoverished African peoples to give up vegetarianism and instead start eating meat to gain a little weight. If [the meat dress] gives me salmonella in the process then you can just call me a freedom fighter.” GaGa went on to say that her real motivation for the meat dress was that she ran out of things in her house to turn into clothing, so she quickly sewed together that night’s dinner. She attributed her craftsmanship to watching Saw on repeat for 9 hours. The Baylor Chapter of Texas Young Conservatives ranted and raved over GaGa’s attire. The group claimed that it was originally Chapter President (Insert Name Here)’s idea to walk the graduation stage in a meat-robe, however The Baylor Agribusiness department already called dibs on creating a beef-tip briefcase designed especially for Ken Starr’s inauguration. Nonetheless TYC has claimed all bragging rights on GaGa’s meat dress until the icon starts wearing pants like a good Baptist woman, stops promoting the socialist agenda, and votes for Rick Perry for Supreme Chancelor of the Galactic republic. This isn’t what you had in mind for a “night out” Get out before you meet your cellmate the officers who arrested dunn were racist! By ReverentdAl Sarpton Holy Law # 2.7: You aren’t getting into Medical School with that. Regardless of what your overly optimistic advisor says Due to the overwhelming number of freshman who need to be tackled Tip 2. Eat bread in order to absorb the hazardous toxins (alcohol is Counterpoint: does this mean LaceDarius will get to have a beer with Barack Obama? Baylor PD Issues Statement: “hold your booze freshmen” Chapman’s Bail Bonds It May be an upgrade from Penland Hall. But don’t you want something better? don’t you want Carbajal Realty 1621 James St. Waco, TX 76706 254 235 8343 leasing and Sales (254) 754-1603 tales of terror from the trembling neophytes Mark Skid: Yeah, it was just kind of one of those things that caught on, you know? One day, you’re intently studying your number theory notes, then your bra’ comes up to you and is like, “Hey man, you wanna go play Halo?” and you’re like “Nah, man, I got like 4 papers to write and a midterm to study for” and he’s like “Haven’t you heard?” and I’m like “What?” and he’s like “Studying is for gaywads!” From that point on, I was hooked. Easiest and smartest transition I’ve ever made. Sherry Spring: Apathyness is great. You can, like, wake up in the morning to go to school, and just, like, not. I did that the other day. *giggle* Ken Starr: Apathy is really a great attitude to take on when dealing with the Baylor politics. Our 2012 plan isn’t going as well as we’d hoped. Baylor isn’t nationally popular enough. We need to find a way to get the other schools to pay attention to us. We could stop spending all this money on Even Baylor’s Kitten populagardening, religion classes, or the film department or tion is suffering the effects whatever other nonsense we have in the past, but that seems like a lot of work. I don’t know. Maybe we should just make more greenspace or something. Do Yourself a Favor Bro. Taco CabaNoZe Just Skip This page Bro. Beverly Hills 9021NoZe Mr. Puzzle Sez: Guess how many Singapore Slings Bro. NoZe’s Ark had before he tried to draw me! We goofed up on the shirts. You can buy them online though! S According to research that we could’ve done but never got around to, apathy and nonchalance is the new hip “thing” on campus. Students everywhere are showing a lack of motivation to do just about everything. Penlanders aren’t signing up for intramurals, Fiji’s are half-assing v-ball spikes (but still full-assing Elephant walk), and (surprisingly) Collin’s girls are eating even less than ever before, becoming dangerously beautiful unhealthy. We wanted to interview several students, but never got around to it, so instead made a list from general assumptions and stereotypes of what we think students would have said (maybe): if you guessed: “One too many”. congratulations. you just won a ‘76 trans-am. Go pick it up at the Lariat office between 6 a.m to 10 p.m on October 30th October 13th 2010. An about igniting the large methane gas audience of several gathers outdeposits formed by a bunch of guys side Baylor’s historic Penland Hall. in a room eating chilli cheese fries. These concerned citizens have been So why was this process to waiting for months to see the tunnel free these poor souls from their into Penland’s completion, so that torment so painfully slow? “We the rescue efforts can finally come actually didn’t know they were there to a close, and these young men until a few days ago” claims Bayreturned home. Their student Visas lor president Ken Starr. “We were expired and we need to get them actually ecstatic that they weren’t out of here. This 69 day ordeal had attending classes, it just means that finally come to a close. The young they would have to stay longer and men who had originally come as keep giving us money, sweet deliexchange students were cious money”. The put in this awful situastudents described tion by Baylor’s campus their situation as a living and learning “bonding expericenter who’s unreguence” and that they lated organization would “became very close”, simply put hard working which we can only students in harms way assume means that to save a buck or two. some very gay stuff The Chilean students went down. Who worked in these terrible can blame them, 69 conditions for only a days is a long time. few short weeks before a A formal apology toilet paper fort ,which was issued to the they were employed by victims of this tragTKE pledge Stevie Dickedy. No word yet on ens to build, collapsed; whether students The escape tunnel used by the trapped students blocking the way to the who have to live elevator and forcing them to stay on there for an entire school year will Penland’s third floor until a rescue get the same. team could be assembled. This hellish nightmare continued for what seems like an eternity, as the young men were forced to live off of chilli cheese fries from Penland cafeteria, which rescue workers lowered down via fishing wire, and the 3 year old snacks from the study room vending machine. The exchange students regularly requested cigarettes but were denied because of concerns An Apathy Epidemic o I’ve always seen my life as somewhat interesting, but it wasn’t until one special night that my life was turned completely upside down. It has been exactly 2 weeks and 5 days since the event. Well, at least that’s my best guess. My phone has been confiscated, so I have resorted to old -fashioned tally marks on these crusty deteriorating brick walls. I was always told not to run the Bear Trail at night. It was always the same old shit “A pretty little thing like you should be careful, there are some hoodlums in these parts,” or something like that. I, as always, didn’t listen and strapped on those new Adidas and Nike shorts and jogged my way into ruin. I was keeping the pace, making sure not to pass out or get hit by a bike, when a large, beat up ice cream truck came screeching around the corner and headed in my direction. The death trap pulled up next to me, and a door flew open. A large bearded man, holding a freshly opened KeyStone stuck his one free hand out of the vehicle and pulled me in. The next few moments are a blur, due to the heavy blow to my head by a bowling pin of some sort. Next thing I knew, I woke up and I was here. I’m not quite sure where here is, and I’m almost positive that I will never find out. All I know is they are everywhere. They call themselves The NoZe. I have been shoved a few blocks of cheese everyday and the occasional Five Guys Cheeseburger, half eaten, of course. At random, one brother will enter into my prison and bring me into a room where I am strapped to a chair and blinded by a sudden bright light. It is here that I am bombarded with screams and questions, followed with the encouragement to be funny. I always freeze with fear. I’m pretty sure I pissed my pants one, but only a little. After this endeavor I am constantly assured that I am not funny and thrown back into the black hole from which they have so graciously provided me with. So here I am, starving, blinded, and self conscious, eating the last bite of meatloaf they stuffed under my door, which I’m pretty sure went bad about a week ago. But never fear! I have constructed a plan! I have resorted to making a shank out of toilet paper and soap, which I learned how to construct back in my high school days. God Bless the American Public School System. Chilean Exchange students Trapped in Penland hall for over two months I made the mistake of attending the 50% of UnRush, specifically the part that consisted of the massive freshman cattle-drive across campus to the Holy Shrine at Pat Neff. Needless to say, the shrine in question was all too secret for the eyes of the unworthy uninterested crowd. Those unfortunate enough to attend the event were pick-pocketed and pilfered of their cigarettes by unruly carcinophiles; my interest was piqued. It was not but 24 hours later that my primary intrigue was hacked to pieces by the harsh reality of the UnRush process. If I had only known what was to come, I would have never worn my Toms that night to show my individuality and stand out from that crowd. I was hastily thrusted into what I am told was an unmarked van (no doubt one of the ones used to transport Joy, Lady, and the homosexuals off campus) by a broad shouldered brut who took kindly to me calling him NoZe Daddy but still insisted that I was not funny. The van smelled of old tacos, cigarette ash, and unrequited love; ‘just like home. They demanded to know my name and birthdate. My obvious choice of my god-given name and age prescribed by the Julian calendar were first rejected. I was instead forced to assume a new identity completely and forget everything I had ever been taught about my Savior Jesus and accept a new divinity into my heart, Elmo. When we arrived at the undisclosed Hefner-esque mansion, I was greeted by a half naked pool boy who I quickly realized was just Bro. MeNoZepause’s lust object just as he realized that I was UnRushee. He proceeded to rush at me with the prowess and intensity of a great manatee. Little did I know that his protruding nose would be the last thing I saw for a great while. I felt a pang on my head and something fuzzy on my face. I know what you are thinking, and you are right, I was facedown on the Astroturf of the coveted indoor football training facility covered in what smelled like Road-jitos. A spotlight came on amidst the darkness and all I heard was “This is the voice of God. Neo, you have a decision to make: write an essay about the state of Chaplin Ryan Richardson’s explosive diaorhea after a mission trip or make me a Bro-jito.” Then I woke up two days later inside the bear pit covered in blood and animal fur. I missed my Weightlifting midterm Slim pickins this year huh? - Bro. NoZeSequitor www.TheNoZe.org Will Bear Cotton make you seem this cool, suave, handsome and sophisticated? Probably not but they can make a custom T-Shirt. Bear Cotton 1400 Speight Av. 254 294 0095 Shirt Printing
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