Spring 1 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

1226 Speight Ave.
254.753.0802
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PUB O’ THE IRISH
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Get to Scru
and beer spectacles.
sun - $3 MexicAN BEERS & tequila
Mon - $2 drafts and wells
TueS - $2 all beers and wells
Wed - happy hour ‘til 11 and karaoke
Thurs- $5 long islands and Texas teas
Fri- Happy hour un til 11
Sat- Happy hour until 11
Happy hour:
$2 domestics not named shiner
$2 well drinks
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NNB presents THEROPE
Cunning Linguist
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe
Lorde Mayor
Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory
Shekel Keeper
Bro. I Don’t NoZe But I’ve Been Told
Intelligent Designers
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk
Bro. TechNoZe Pop
Bored of Graft
Bro. ThumbeliNoZe
Bro. Bear NoZessities
Bro. Life Ain’t Easy for a Boy Named NoZe
Bro. NoZen’ on the Ritz
The Brothers
Table of Discontent
Ads and Stuff .......................................................................................................................2
Spend your money at these places
Table of Discontent...........................................................................................................3
This is awkward
Alamo Bowl Report............................................................................................................4
No defense included
Baylor 2012 Report Card.................................................................................................5
Vision test required
RGIII is Such a Badass..............................,.......................................................................6
Bro. HeismaNoZe Trophy
Dear Lorde Mayor.................................................................................................................7
Your favorite Rope segment
Something about Fraternities......................................................................................8
Surprise, surprise
NoZe on the Street..............................................................................................................9
It’s kind of funny
UnRush/Paper Pickup....................................................................................................12
Shameless promotion
Bro. Taco CabaNoZe
Bro. MeNoZepause
Bro. C20H25N3oZe
Venerable Exiles
Honey Nut CheeriNoZe
Beverly Hills 9021NoZe
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on,
Bro. Long NoZe, Satch! BMMC! BSSS! HRGS! LHOOQ! KLIACH! Well, it's another
Rope. We hope you were able to cope with the dopes, gropes, and point-slopes of Christmas break. We've come to wake and shake the fakes at this time of year. You might shed
a tear with our jeers, but for dear reason. 'Tis the season for treason against old troops in
favor of new groups. Going Greek (anything but meek) may be the flavor of the week,
but bleak shrieks of a Spring UnRush word are easily heard (and slurred). We stole third,
along with the theatre of the absurd. The funny is a special interest of ours in the hours of
power and showers of flowers. Can I get a satch? Satchel? Anti-Gob? Satchelzzzzzzzzz!
Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid
Bro. Jesus Loves Me This I NoZe
Bro. Love Potion #NoZe
Bro. TelemundNoZe
Bro. NoZesome Dove
Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
Bro. AbstiNoZe
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe
Bro. Hunter NoZe Thompson
Bro. NoZe’s Ark
Bro. NoZe Sequitur
Bro. Ted KeNnoZedy
Bro. No Means NoZe
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi
Bro. Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo
Bro. NoZe v. Wade
Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
Bro. Grand NoZe Party
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
Bro. NoZe Cuervo
Bro. RomaNoZe Clef
Bro. Don’t Cry for Me ArgentiNoZe
Bro. Al PaciNoZe
Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-On
Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi
Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
BRO. NOZE FROM ABOVE 1924
Bro. N-O-Z-E, etc.
Bro. Panchnoze villa
bro. yoko onoze
...and a cast of thousands.
Your
face
here?
LEGAL JUNK
The opinions expressed in this satirical, monthly, sporadically published publication are not necessarily
representative of those held by Baylor©®™ University, its administration, faculty, staff, or less-intelligent
students. Unless otherwise noted, all quotes from all individuals contained herein are entirely made up in
the interest of humor. By reading this rag, the user assumes all inherent risks which may include, but are not
limited to, being exposed to new ideas, laughing at him/herself, and ultimate spiritual enlightenment. The
Noble NoZe Brotherhood recommends readers to have an open mind, thick skin, and the ability to think.
All others are encouraged to hide under their beds until the sky comes crashing down, or until they stop
taking themselves so seriously, whichever comes first.
A letter from the
Cunning Linguist
My Dear Friends and Enemies,
I welcome you back to Baylor
for this second semester, but certainly not
as much as I welcome extreme apathy,
careless drunkenness, and rather crotchety
behavior upon myself. Let’s be honest:
times have been rough. Put yourself in my
trendy TOMS for a moment.
We have a Heisman winner,
great football and basketball programs,
and a university president who has yet to
screw up too badly. What’s there left to
be made fun of? Keep in mind that I have
ached for this position for decades, and
once I take over, Baylor’s reputation takes
a turn for the better. I, my good sir, am
offended. Hence, I am forced to enter a fit
of depression comparable to the University of Washington. There is only one cure
for my newfound despondence: some new
NoZe Brothers. And I want you. That’s
right, you.
Think of the benefits. First of all,
you’ll get to meet me. I will never publish
your articles, I won’t acknowledge you
if I ever run into you on campus, and,
quite frankly, I won’t like you one bit. But
when has that ever stopped anybody?
Second, think of the eternal
glory. “Yeah, I’m a NoZe Brother,” you’ll
tell your children, your creepy uncle, and
your professors while begging for A’s.
You’ll go down in Baylor history for your
lofty social status, as well as your alcohol
dependence. Your name will be praised
for the rest of your days.
Lastly, and most obviously,
you’ll develop an eye for “the funny.”
We’ve been utilizing this sacred mystery
since 1924, and you can be a part of it too,
as long as you can harness it with us. Let
us mercilessly judge you through a piece
of your writing, which you’ll give to us at
Paper Pickup. Ease my pain and be funny,
I beg of you. I can only go on like this for
so long. Now where is my beer?
Kisses,
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe
Bears Win Alamo Bowl 98,534 - 97,952
Defense Mistakenly Attends Chick-Fil-A Bowl
On the morning of December 29th, Year of
Our Lord 2011, Robert Griffin III and his subjects/
teammates woke up to a startling revelation: the entire Baylor defense mistakenly traveled to Atlanta,
Georgia and arrived at the Chick-Fil-A Bowl instead
of the Alamo Bowl.
When this news was initially broken to
E(SEC)PN, most football fans around the country
immediately waved off the game and decided not
to tune in, knowing the Washington Huskies would
cruise to an easy win over an irrelevant football program. However, Robert Griffin III, now known to
most as Bro. HeismaNoZe Trophy, saw this unfortunate incident as extraneous.
“When I heard the defense didn’t make it to
San Antonio, I was a little bummed. But then I remembered that I’m RGIII, so it turned out okay,” he
said in a pregame interview, while sipping the finest
Chardonnay from the elegant gardens of Turin.
Naturally, the Washington offense scored
touchdowns on every one of their possessions. With
only eleven men on the entire field, all of them
in Husky uniforms, both the rushing and passing
attacks moved with ease. Quarterback Keith Price
threw for over 750,000 yards and rushed for another
300,392, leading the team to 13,993 total touchdowns.
“I was really happy with the way our offense played today,” Price said. “We moved the ball
with ease. I feel even if the Baylor defense had attended the game, we’d have scored as many points.”
This eloquent analysis has been considered, as most
would describe, “pretty damn ridiculous.”
swered: why didn’t the defense come to the Alamo
On the other hand, the Washington defense
Bowl, but the Chick-Fil-A Bowl instead? There
played about as well
were many interpretations.
as Baylor’s did. RGIII
Some believed the defense to
simply dominated the
be jealous of RGIII and segame and gracefully led
cretly wanted him to lose the
the Bears to victory. He
big game. Others thought that
passed for over one bilCornerback Ahmad Dixon’s
lion yards, setting NCAA,
tweets have recently been so
WPA, and BMIST
incredibly bad that the entire
records. He also rushed
defense has been strictly
for a mere one million.
bedridden after reading the
During the postgame
sheer inanity and foolishness
ceremony, running back
of them, and the fact that the
Terrance Ganaway was
English language was used in
What better way to watch your tuition
awarded the prestigious
such a way depressed them
dollars melt away than a celebratory
Most Valuable Player Not
in an unfortunate way. When
Alamo Bowl ice sculpture?
Named Robert Griffin III
questioned about the issue,
Award.
the team’s position was that
Though half of our football team may
“[they] were never told which game [Baylor] had
not have attended the game, a decent proportion
been sent to.”
of Baylor students did make an appearance at the
However, a later interrogation revealed
Alamodome. In a stadium full of green and gold,
the ulterior motive of “just wanting some chicken,
commentators were able to recognize that Baylor’s
man.” After hearing this explanation, the entire Bayschool colors are, in fact, green and gold, and not
lor community immediately forgave the defense.
always the same colors as the particular week’s opThe scientific proportion between the deliciousponent. In wake of this realization, people around
ness of Chick-Fil-A and the fantastic play of RGIII
the country now refer to Baylor University as “Bay- measures out perfectly, allowing the defense to skip
lor” and not “the place with the Baptists and David
the game to devour the scrumptious chicken while
Koresh.”
Bro. HeismaNoZe Trophy can still lead the Bears to
The following week when the team rea win.
turned to The Wack, a vital question was left unan-
Kenny’s Kerfuffle
“New Year’s resolution:
lose 30 pounds!”
“Feed me a Twinkie™”
It’s 2012, you say? Time to check your vision!
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“What the hell is ‘Vision 2012,’” you might ask?
Don’t fret! The Noble NoZe Brotherhood breaks it down into managable, bite-sized chunks.
Imperative I: Establish an environment
where learning can flourish.
Imperative VI: Guide all Baylor students through academic and student life programming to understand life
as a stewardship and work as a vocation.
Grade: C+
Nothing encourages frank discourse like the firing of a tenured
professor and the semi-harassment of an independent paper.
Imperative II:
Create a truly
residential campus.
Grade: BIt's easy to live on campus, as long as you don't
have a car, girlfriend,
or unapproved weekend
plans. “Community leaders” doubling as Baylorobsessed demons get old
very quickly.
Imperative VII:
Provide
outstanding
academic
facilities.
Grade: A
The academic accommodations for athletes are
great. The whole student
body can be especially
proud of the newish
Simpson Library, which is
reserved solely for athletes
use. However, now that
Robert Griffin III is Bro.
HeismaNoZe Trophy, the
entire NoZe Brotherhood
has access to it. Satch.
Imperative III: Develop a
world-class faculty.
Grade: B
Korpi and Madden keep this grade afloat.
Imperative IV:
Attract and support a
top-tier student body.
Grade: B+
Scoring students such as Miss
Teen USA, RGIII, and possibly
Selena Gomez make us a very
“attractive” student body indeed. But supporting? The NoZe
Brotherhood is still off campus,
so we’ll see.
Grade: What?
As inspired as most people are by mandatory Chapel worship and religion
courses, Baylor is slightly off the mark. However, when Baptists hang out,
you can expect a few things: a ton of food, dominant personalities, and a
bunch of churches being opened.
Imperative XI: Emphasize global education.
Grade: C
How much emphasis is enough? I'll ask Mr. Owl after he gets done with that
tootsie pop.
Imperative V: Initiate outstanding new
academic programs in selected areas.
Grade: D
The only people impressed by seminaries are homophobic fundamentalists around Waco. That’s not
most people.
Imperative VIII: Construct useful and
aesthetically pleasing physical spaces.
Grade: C
I can't imagine anything more useful or beautiful than the
patch of grass next to Martin Hall, but I'm not trying very
hard. I did like that time Burleson’s nose was pink.
Imperative XII:
Achieve a $2 billion
endowment
Grade: F+
A 52% is an F, no matter
how hard Dr. Davis cries
in the grading office. We’ll
add a plus on there for curve
appeal.
Imperative X: Build with integrity a
winning athletic tradition in all sports.
Grade: RGIII
We have some great sports teams on campus, but the cross country team is more likely to get athlete’s foot than a trophy.
Imperative IX: Enhance involvement of the entire Baylor family.
Grade: F
This grade is as crappy as the assigned Alumni Association tailgating spot, but not as bad as the new university-run, Baylor Alumni
Network, or even putting the Baylor Alumni Network in the Alumni Association's exact position and acting like nothing happened.
Overall GPA: I don’t have a calculator.
Final Notes: While not bad enough to make you meet with the freshmen in the basement of Sid Rich, you're a pre-business major, so I'm just going to drop half of
your classes for you. Not fair you say? Some more worship should iron out the kinks.
NoZe Opinions: RGIII Chooses NFL Career Over
Sorority Edition
an only
slightly
skewed
analysis of
your new groups
Chi-O: Congrats, you joined a cult! At no
point in the next 3½ years will you ever meet another “boy,” so good luck making lemonade.
Kappa: You are now the butt of every joke
nationwide! Unless you look like Shelly Keller,
Katie Whit, or Hannah Lee, you will forever be
invisible.
Tri-Delt: We already knew you were going
to Heaven, but thanks for draping Greek wings on
your back. You’re like the rich kid that has to drive
an Audi to ensure that nobody misses them.
ADPi:
You already know what you joined.
Pi Phi: Aside from the dress code, you can
do anything you want and blame it on dehydration.
We all know what’s going on.
AXO: 95% of your incoming calls happen
after 3AM, and not the Matchbox Twenty song.
Theta: The only people that like you are
SING judges. Do they throw parties?
Zeta: “They are nice girls.” -Bro. Taco CabaNoZe. (You guys really need to get out more.)
ZZZ:
Despite your greatest efforts, you increase the amount of drunk driving at Baylor. Most
people only drive home drunk. Thanks to you, I
have to get hammered before I go out.
Final Year only an NFL salary can pay off student debt
Quarterback Robert Griffin III, also known as Bro. Nike, Gatorade, and most importantly, Bud Light Lime, to
HeismaNoZe Trophy, has officially decided to forgo his cover his college expenses alone.
Since his time at Baylor, RGIII has eaten only Ramen
final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. He has
and Frosted Flakes in order
cited his reasoning as having
to save money. Somehow,
to pay off student loans, as he
he has been able to remain in
is in debt up to his magical
peak physical condition. He
head from tuition.
has lived at Casa Royale for a
Despite graduating with
few years, all while keeping a
his bachelor’s degree earlier
glimmering GPA.
than expected, RGIII is still
Plano junior Ashley
dreadfully lacking money in
Yuppers, president of Pi
his bank account. Baylor tuPhi, made her opinion quite
ition has increased over the
known on the issue. “This is
past few years, and not even
ridiculous,” she said after takour Heisman-winning quaring another bite of caviar and
terback is in the clear.
“Honestly, I would’ve
drinking Jamaican coffee.
loved to have come back for
“My daddykins pays for evsource: pirated
my last year. I love Baylor,
erything. I mean, my Bandera
just not the tuition,” he told
Ranch apartment and pink
“I wish you didn’t have to leave, Robert.”
our reporter. Studies show
Ferrari won’t pay for themthat in order to pay Baylor its
selves. I need to go study for
full tuition, he will have to pursue an NFL career lasting at my fashion design class.”
In fact, Robert Griffin III makes most people look quite
least ten years, complete with five MVP awards and seven
Super Bowl victories. He will need endorsements from bad. Thanks.
Baylor Parcheesi Team Parcheesies Its Way
to Victory students become cultured after reading Rope article
While the Baylor football
and basketball programs have recently received most of the positive
athletic attention, the little-known
Parcheesi team has remained undefeated after eight intense matches
this season and is currently ranked
number three in the nation. Over the
past few weeks, the team has defeated
notable Parcheesi powerhouses such
as DeVry, Oxford, and the University
of Phoenix. They also easily defeated
Texas A&M, a school widely known
for their all-around failure.
For those of you who have
remained dreadfully naive, Parcheesi
is a board game that originated in India in 500 A.D. Players can use one or
two dice to direct their pieces across a
72 space board. On a completely unrelated note, the Noble NoZe Brotherhood has announced that they will not
be utilizing Wikipedia as a source for
any article in The Rope.
Baylor was initially very
strongly against having a Parcheesi
team associated with the university
because the game has its origins in
a Hindu country. Administrators especially did not want to upset the
Baptist General Convention of Texas
once again, as they cut half of their
funding to Baylor last semester. However, after much deliberation and
presentations from student groups
(including the International Justice
Mission: Baylor Chapter-Parcheesi
Division, and, of course, the Baylor Swing Dance Society), the team
of administrators led by President
Kenny Starr declared Parcheesi “an
official facet of an ever-blossoming
athletic program, not including the
equestrian team. Seriously, who even
invited those guys?”
This year’s team is headlined
Holy Law #59:
by Plano senior Zinupde Nutchrefferbachen, the “team symposiarch”,
which is Parcheesi language for “team
captain.” He leads the team with seventy-two notches, just a few ahead
of Dallas sophomore Hepdernn Jurteflegerts, who has been a surprising
spark off the bench this season. Next
year, the team will gladly welcome
Umnex Tethersbeemie, a talented
McDonald’s All-American from Honolulu. Their next match will be next
Thursday in the Ferrell Center as the
team takes on the fabled program at
Career Point Institute. Sic ‘em, Baylor Parcheesi!
This spot intentionally
left blank to facilitate
page turning.
Do not confuse the NoZe Brotherhood with
the famous Swedish techno band, “Noze.”
Though there is original satirical significance in their song, “When Tiger
Smoked,” they are in no way affiliated with our esteemed Brotherhood.
My Unimaginable Parking DEAR LORDE
Woes as told by Bro. NoZen' on the Ritz
I was sitting on my Ligne Roset “Nomade Express” sofa-sleeper (valued at over $6K, whatever),
browsing the Book, chowing down on some Easy in my
1st street apartment when I received an electronic correspondence from my Astrology professor reminding me
of a test scheduled for the next day. Taken aback by this
dreadful news, I immediately popped the regular Addies,
finished my fake doob, hopped in my crossover, and drove
to Club Moody; arriving at approximately 8:37 EST.
Subsequently upon my arrival, Mission: Find a
Bog Gloopy Parking Spot began. Little to my surprise,
none such spots were found. In turn, each and every parking space was filled by a freshman. Of course, you might
be questioning just how certain I am that over 90% of these
vehicles belonged to freshman. Several factors led me to
this assumption:
1. As I drove my dilapidated Rover searching for
an open spot, I saw numbers of graduation cap tassels.
Accordingly, I hopped out of my jonky jalopy, busted the
windows of the pseudo-prosperous fishie cars, and ripped
the tassels off; all of them. Sorry.
2. A lot of the cars keeping me from finding a spot
were BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, Volvos, Acuras, etc, etc, lol,
fml. Upperclassmen buy ‘Merican. ‘Nuff said (my Range
Rover is a 2007 model, thus it was assembled whilst being
a subsidiary of the Ford Motor Corp. Don’t second guess
me.)
3. I always like saving the most obvious for last:
there was only one parking sticker on the rear window of
nearly every vehicle. Of course, the convertibles had 2011
parking stickers on the front windows. ...Convertibles.
After a lengthy hour and a half of driving around
the parking lot of Club Moody and Jivin’ Jones, I had
come to the realization that this year’s batch of freshman
are even lazier than excerpt-citing Lariat reporters. Yikes.
As I rounded Club Moody for the 43rd time in a
single hour (a Big Almost-XII record, mind you) I entered
the parking lot of the Sid Rich Establishment. The thought
had crossed my mind, but I smoke curgits and fake doobs
every day of my life. Walking from Sid Rich? Yeah. Right.
So I went back home and didn’t go to sleep; I made sleep
come to me. I got an A on my Astrology exam.
New Study Finds Tenure Not a Good Indicator of Employment
A new study released by the
American Association of University
professors claims that academic tenure doesn’t not actually protect you
from the whims of university administration. Their claim, following study
into Baylor tenured professor and
former director/inventor of the Center
for Jewish Studies Marc Ellis, is that
tenure actually decreases your chances of staying hired by any Baptist university located in Waco, Texas.
Dr. Xavier Prost, who co-
authored the study, said he was researching the correlation between
being “that guy” and unemployment,
when he found the case of Dr. Ellis.
“My records show that regardless of how much effort certain
administrators and their lawyers put
into digging up dirt on the guy, no one
who knew they guy had anything bad
to say. The guy’s a regular Fonzie,”
said Prost.
Baylor is scheduled to have
a “hearing” in March to come up with
an official reason to fire him, but so
far the “is a witch” and “doesn’t eat
cheese” excuses have succeeded in
getting his classes cancelled, preventing his work with graduate students
and shutting down the Center for
Jewish Studies.
As of now, the study hasn’t
been peer reviewed and it’s only citation is in an under-rated, underground
newspaper produced somewhere in
the vicinity of Elm Mott.
Student Union Barbershop Cut by
Dept. Heads horrifyingly bad pun slithers its way into The Rope
Upon arrival back
at Baylor from Christmas
Break, students, faculty,
and staff-member-people
have noticed a blatant vacancy in the SUB. The beloved barbershop has been
shut down by a rage-filled
President Kenneth, due to
a slew of horrendous haircuts, which horribly interfered with the Vision 2012.
“How can we ever
compete with the Ivy’s if
our whole student body
looks like they let their
blind third cousin missing
three fingers cut their hair
with a butter knife and a
llama brush? Honestly,
the only way I can see us
coming back from this debacle is adding more green
space on campus,” said KStarr, in a super exclusive
telegraph sent to the NoZe
Brotherhood. “Yes, always
more green space.”
When asked if
there could be other motives for the termination
of the decade-old Baylor
tradition, K-Starr hastily
responded, “Why do you
think the bears aren’t on
campus right now? Those
barbers have been cutting
their fur for years now, and
after their last trim, they
looked like they belonged
in a circus in Nigeria, wearing ill-fitting vests and hats
made from $0.50 velvet.”
Actually,
most
students showed high
praise and support for the
barbers. Latest poll results
give them a 93.7% overall approval rating. 78.9%
described their haircuts
as “extremely satisfying,”
62.1% described them as
“it got me laid, so yay for
that,” and a resounding
98.2% described them as
“probably the best thing
that’s ever happened to
me.” A mere 3% described
them as “meh.” Fortunately, a barber will be transferring his services to Sherri’s,
which is somewhere on
Speight, so Baylor may fret
not. The tradition of haircuts lives on, like a beacon
on a hill, ever so gracefully
ejecting the light of an egoless service, and portraying
an antithesis of shameful,
uncalled for abrasiveness
everywhere.
MAYOR
Dear Lorde Mayor,
When are you going to settle your tab? You still
owe us for those cosmopolitans you downed on
New Year’s Eve.
-Scruffy Murphy’s
Dear My Second Home,
I certainly didn’t drink any cosmos. You must have
me confused with my evil twin. Yeah, that’s it.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Omegle or Chatroulette?
-Bro. Bear NoZessities
Dear Group Drunkard,
Is there really even a question? Quite frankly, I’m
offended.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
You never respond to my texts anymore. What’s
going on?
Dear Lonely Theta,
Let’s be honest here. Where was it even going? I’m
tired of watching Midnight in Paris on Blu-Ray
at your apartment, then cuddling up and eating
granola. It’s not me, it’s you.
The
Lorde
Mayor
knows
about
your
browser
history.
GRAMMY
S
D
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Best Female Vocalist- This year
has been truly trying of every vocalist. From the trills of Beyonce
Knowles to the understated glam
shown by Lady Gaga, critics had
their work cut out for them. Best
female vocalist ultimately will be
awarded to none other than Kim
Kardashian. Although her new
single did not take off as anticipated, critics feel as if it is time
for Kim to win…something. Off
the record...sex tape.
Best Love Song- Dance A$$ Remix by Big Sean ft Nicki Minaj.
Critics have gone completely
crazy over this new lyrically
exquisite, romantic anthem.
With the unique vocal stylings of
Nicki Minaj, it is no wonder why
this song has proven to be the
front-runner.
Best Country Artist- Country
music fans nation-wide will be
positively shocked from this
year’s winner. Once again the
brightness of Taylor Swift has
outshown anyone with lyrical
stability and substance! Miss
Swift will be awarded the title
this year for her new song “Johnny”… Or is it “Jake”? Or… Oh
who gives a shit?
Best Alternative Album- “The
King of Limbs,” Radiohead.
We’re real big on these guys.
Thom Yorke’s views on environmentalism and the ethics of
downloading music are so avantgarde and blissfully unconventional. We can’t resist.
Best Uproar Records Artist- Sorry David, but Jillian
Edwards’ album “Headstrong”
skyrocketed to the top spot on
iTunes the week of its release.
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood Presents
a hilarious, controversial, investigative report:
:
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a completely objective journey
through Baylor greek life
Usually known for perfect comedic timing, brilliant, satirical writing to the likes of Jonathan Swift, and, of course, constant
drunkenness, Bro. Bear NoZessities of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, Keko Keeper of the Haircut, recently underwent a journey comparable to no other at Baylor University. During the second half of last semester, he attended fraternity-sponsored events in disguise,
meaning he bravely left his glasses on his mahogany dresser at the NoZe Mansion and shaved his scraggly beard of twenty years. It
was a mission only he could endure. Alpha Tau Omega, Phi Delta Theta, and Phi Kappa Chi are, supposedly, fraternities centered on
brotherhood, faith, and service, and our valiant hero was out to prove that he could handle all of them. Armed with a new wardrobe of
fishing shirts, shorts of assorted colors, Sperries, and Ray-Bans, Bro. Bear NoZessities began his journey. This is his journey. This is
his story. This is how he truly was “Frat Like Me.”
Sept. 1: Traditions Rally
I arrived early to make a good impression on these guys.
I mainly wanted them to realize that I not only exhibit unflagging Baylor spirit, but also great attendance. After some cheers,
I worked the booths, got some food, and most importantly,
impressed. I felt like the Phi Delts were especially taken with me.
They happily offered me a burger and a handshake, two qualities
I always look for in a friendship. One even called me “chief,” so
I felt like I was pretty much in already. I also boasted of my dad’s
career (professional zombie), since they always need money to
pay off the cops at parties. They gave me a second handshake (oh
yeah) and I was on my way. Sept. 16: Phi Chi Stoplight Party
I was especially looking forward to this. Not only will
I meet Phi Chi’s, I’ll meet girls. I slapped on my most expensive
green shirt, grabbed my lucky Bible, and arrived. Unfortunately,
I had a terrible time. I spent the vast majority of the evening
discussing Rob Bell with a freshman who kept asking me to call
him “Petey.” This got weird pretty quickly. I only spoke with
one Phi Chi for a brief moment. He spotted me struggling on the
dance floor, and approached with a smile. He asked if I wanted
him to “instruct [me] how to Douglas.” I promptly left.
Sept. 11: ATO Shrimp Boil
Who doesn’t love a hard-working man with a plan? I
felt like this event would really get me to the big leagues, which
is why I wore my batting gloves and cleats. I enjoyed a nice plate
of shrimp, and impressed a few guys with my spot-on Kenny
Chesney impression. However, things got a bit rocky when I told
them I’m an English major and don’t enjoy cigars. The president
looked at me awkwardly and began to discuss his Uncle Hank’s
shrimp boat. I listened to this doleful story like a child listening
to his family history from a deaf grandfather. I left a little dissatisfied and distraught, but didn’t totally disregard the afternoon.
I do love that Kenny Chesney impression.
Oct. 21: ATO Bed Races/Chi-O Chili Cook-Off
America: the land of second chances, especially with
ATO. I rounded up three of Waco’s finest homeless and arrived
with a mattress. We were asked to leave because of some obscure
rule referring to “fixed incomes,” which I assume was fair
enough since they’re all business majors. I dropped the motley
crew back off under I-35 and gave them a tuna sandwich I found
in the mattress. One of them thanked me. Anyway, I went back
over to 5th to catch the back end of the races. I only watched this
for the same reason I watch ice skating, rock climbing, and llama
mating: in case someone falls off. No one did.
ADPi Sister Eats Alone
____________
Memorial diners look awkwardly on_______________________
This past Tuesday in Memorial Dining Hall, Plano sophomore
Casey Mackerel was spotted eating
lunch in complete solitude at her
table. Mackerel is heavily involved
with Alpha Delta Pi, which is predominantly known for their inferiority to the other sororities at Baylor.
The young diner was spotted
eating a delectable grilled cheese
sandwich, with a side of pepperoni
pizza, around 12:30 Post Menopause
on that fateful day. Much to her
dismay, her 11:00 British Literature
class lasted the full time, so the lines
were quite extensive. This particular
time is a common one for students
on Tuesdays, so someone eating
alone, much less a sorority girl, is a
peculiar sighting indeed.
“I was shocked,” Dallas freshman Mark Hugs told our
reporter. “A few friends and I were
just minding our own business eating lunch, and we saw her. Is it that
hard to ask your friends when their
lunch breaks are? Sheesh.”
On an even stranger note,
Alpha Delta Pi is one of the largest
sororities on campus. They are widely known to accept any girl, even the
ones only mildly interested in Greek
life. This was especially exemplified in this incident, in that Casey sat
with her back to most diners, shamefully repressing the damning letters
so masterfully embroidered onto
her jacket. It seems as though she
could have found at least one of her
“sisters” to join her in the devouring
of calorie-laden foodstuffs.
BANKSTON’S
1321 South Valley Mills
“Yeah, I smoke.
I do it because I’m bad.
I live on the wild side,
and that’s why I get my
comics at Bankston’s.”
“A guy that loves me almost as
much as he loves Our Savior Jesus
Christ. Clean-shaven and cleanhearted, that’s what I always say. “
Sarah Christian, Chi Omega
“Someone who keeps it classy: take
me to Scruff’s, bring me home, and
make me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah, I have standards.”
Katie Loving, Alpha Chi Omega
Be a rebel and come to
Bankston’s
“What do you look for in a guy?”
CARBAJAL
R E A LT Y
carbajalrealy.com
comics - sports cards - collectables
NoZe
in the
street asks:
“I loooooooove hot guys. I look for
world-class skeet shooters, champion bass-fishers, and guys I would
never find at Common Grounds.”
Ashley Smiley, Pi Beta Phi
254.235.8343
Need more space?
Go to Carbajal
254.755.0070
“Someone who can discuss his faith
will always turn me on. I’d be lying if I told you I’ve never thought
about Tim Tebow at night. “
Chad Singer, Phi Kappa Chi
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t
u
b
,
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d
o
ab
day he saw the
University Woods
duplexes.
“Guys who can go big. I mean this
in every way imaginable. I’d rather
just leave it at that. I look forward
to seeing you at Rush, provided you
can go big.”
Jacob McFratsucker, FIJI
“Pretty much anyone I can find from
Craigslist.”
Bro. MeNoZepause, NoZe Brother
Mr. PuZzle sez:
things have
g
in
w
o
ll
fo
e
th
o
d
t
a
h
“Hey kids! W
Calling All
Finance Majors!
It’s tax time and we here at the Noble NoZe Brotherhood have to reflect on our
budget just like everyone else. It has been brought to our attention that we need
to stop hemorrhaging cash on unnecessary spending, but we don’t know where to
start. Straight from our CPA, this is what our expenditures sheet looks like:
Mansion Upkeep
$5,248.09
(mortgage, electric, and the lawn crew from Elm Mott)
Production Cost of “The Rope”
$10,384.11
(seven languages, 32 countries)
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe’s Self Promotion
$643.81
(life size cardboard cutouts and “Who is Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe?” t-shirts)
Various Liquors
$13,362.78
(just send us to rehab already)
Bail-bondsman Fees
$484.69
(wearing masks on campus, bribing BUPD Chief Dim Joak)
Donation to Baylor’s Endowment Fund
$1
(could’ve ordered a McDouble)
Medical fees
$445.92
(neophyte hazing)
Respect for Others
(we lost our Bible years ago)
$000.00
ANSWER: I swallow my Listerine every morning!
Pat Neff Hall
El Paso, TX
Willow Smith
rianism
Antidisestablishmenta
Mennonites
y
Dante’s Divine Comed
in common?”
We’d love to hear
your complaints!
Voice them to us through the following mediums:
EMAIL :// [email protected]
FACEBOOKS :// NOZEBROTHERHOOD
TWEETER :// @NOZEBROTHERHOOD
INTERTUBE :// WWW.THENOZE.ORG
Already preparing for the apocalypse?
Then write us a letter:
(minimum $20 donation is required).
(Do it! {See what happens!})
[Brackets!!!]
NOBLE NOZE BROTHERHOOD
P.O. BOX 612
ELM MOTT, TX 76640
Help us make The Rope,
advertise with us!
[email protected]
SIRONIA
1509 Austin Ave
shopsironia.com
254.754.7467
boutique shops and uptown cafe
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CHAPTER 11 BAR HEMINGWAY’S
619 Esther Street
254.741.6322
4700 Bosque Blvd.
254.776.9733
facebook.com/hemingwayshole
Let your
drinking
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$1 DrnadafytaBndeTeuersday.
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The Wheel sp
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Ages 18+, mino
NOBLE NOZE
BROTHERHOOD presents
UNRUSH
THURS JAN 26, 8:44 PURPLE MANGO
@7TH AND JAMES BARELY BAPTIST CHURCH
bring an umbrella and be prepared
WANT TO JOIN
THE NOZE?
THEN DON’T COME TO PAPER PICKUP:
SUN JAN 29 4:06 POST MAGENTA
@BURLESON STATUE
not-so-fINE PRINT: very IMPORTANT
If you want to become a NoZe
Brother, you must submit one of
the following: a satirical article
of 10,420 words or less (preferably
much, much less), artistic renderings of high quality with satirical
and humorous significance, or an
interactive NoZe Brother baseD
iPhone game (for the nerds, we’ll
accept Android games as well).
No teats, piddle, or caca in your
submissions. Make sure to include
your name, major, phone number,
GPA, and favorite Miles Davis song.
Elmo’s sake, BE FUNNY THIS TIME!