Read the March 2016 Edition of "the Natir"

New year,
Same mediocrity
VOL. 5...No. 16
T h e N a t i r
Chicago, Illinois MARCH 2016
Copyright © 2015 The Natir
NEW
LOOK,
SAME
SMELL
FREE
stritahs.com
Fr. Danber returns from mysterious vacation
Bearded priest claims he was just ‘up north’ for holidays
SR making changes to Snow Days
EXPLAIN THE RED SUIT, FR. BERNIE
JIMMY CONROY ‘17
JOE HENZE ‘17
The end of the holidays marks the return of people to their
normal lives. Gone is enjoyment of the time off to celebrate
Christmas and the New Year. At St. Rita High School, the return to school means the return of familiar faces, schedules,
and fart jokes. One specific face that everyone is ecstatic to see
is Fr. Bernard Danber, a priest at the school.
Fr. Danber is always a friendly person in the hallways
during the passing periods. He makes a point to ask everyone
how their holiday was spent. When that same question is answered and then returned back to Fr. Danber in the same form
of a question, he seems to become extremely uncomfortable.
His answers are usually brief and not descriptive. He responds
with a short, non-descriptive response, saying, “I was up north
for the holidays. I was very busy but I am glad that I brought
joy to so many children.”
Now, many students and faculty may not question his answer or even pay him enough attention to comprehend what
he is saying, but the investigative team at The Natir can see
right through his response. What follows is an analysis into Fr.
Danber’s mysterious trip “up north” and how he truly spent his
holidays.
The Natir dug into Fr. Danber’s financial history over
the holiday season. On December 17, he withdrew a substantial
amount of money from his bank account. On December 18, he
was spotted at Big & Tall purchasing an oversized red jumpsuit. He also purchased a matching hat and black boots at T.J.
Maxx. Finally, to complete his odd string of purchases on the
day, Fr. Danber took a trip to Kohl’s to purchase an abnormally large, brown leather sack. Rumors had even surfaced that
he had visited a farm in British Columbia, Canada earlier in
December with interest in some of the deer that populate the
acreage.
The writers of The Natir spent considerable amounts of
time speculating on Fr. Danber’s holiday plans with his newly
bought red jumpsuit. Some theorized that the use of this suit
was for celebrating mass. Others believed that he bought this
suit to use in the “Role Playing Games Club” as they prepared
to participate in a Christmas-edition event. Some just simply
thought that he enjoyed the color red. Whatever intention Fr.
Danber had for that suit, it stumped the writers and led to further investigation.
Fr. Danber was quite literal when he mentioned that
he went “up north” for the holidays. An inquiry into his travels, courtesy of The Natir, revealed that he caught a flight from
Midway Airport to Seattle. In Seattle, he proceeded to change
planes and get on another flight to British Columbia, Canada.
Finally, after changing planes yet again, Fr. Danber hopped
on a private plane headed for an undisclosed location on the
northern tip of Alaska.
Due to the scare funds of The Natir, further investigation into Fr. Danber’s trip to Alaska could not be pursued. A
telephone call to him over the holiday break was not answered
nor returned, but it left even more confusing evidence. An answering machine message reiterated that Fr. Danber was on a
trip and that he would return after the holiday season. What
puzzled the writers was the faint background noise heard
during the message. Fr. Danber sounded like he was in a busy
factory and surrounded by workers with high-pitched voices.
He even abruptly stopped the recording of the message to yell
at the workers to get busy and then, after apologizing for the
interruption, signed off with a faint “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
Although no one may ever find out what Fr. Danber’s
holiday travels consisted of, that doesn’t stop the spread of rumors or the building of an urban legend. The speculation grows
greater every day and this mystery will live on in the halls of St.
Rita for holidays to come.
T h i s pa s t ye a r S t. R it a i mple mente d a ne w p ol ic y on Snow Day s. T he
d ay s of h av i ng a d ay of f of scho ol due to
t he we at her a r e over, a nd doi ng home work a s sig ne d on l i ne h a s b e g u n.
W it h t he ne w c apabi l it ie s of i Pad s,
te acher s k now t hei r s t udent s w i l l h ave
a l l of t hei r m ater ia l s at home a nd c a n
le a r n w it hout b ei ng i n t he c la s sr o om.
T he y h ave b e en i n s t r uc te d to l i s t home work on E d l i ne a nd for c e t he s t udent s
to work .
T h i s ne w p ol ic y h a s se en b ot h sup p or t a nd c r it ic i sm f r om t he s t udent s
who u se d to enjoy snow d ay s by r e la x i ng. A s one sen ior sa id , “ T he ne w
r u le s t h i s ye a r a r e ter r ible. I h ave b e en
at t he sc ho ol for t h r e e a nd a h a l f ye a r s
now a nd h ave not se en so m a ny p ol ic y
c h a nge s u nt i l t h i s ye a r. W it h r e ga r d s
to t he snow d ay s, I won’t b e doi ng a ny
work b e c au se a snow d ay i s supp o se d to
b e a r e s t d ay.”
A s r eb el l iou s a s some upp er c la s s men a r e ac t i ng, m a ny lower c la s smen
a r e ple a se d w it h t he ne w p ol ic y. T he y
a r e se ei ng t h i s for wh at it c a n b e i n t he
f ut u r e.
“ T he ne w snow d ay r u le s a r e on ly t he
b e g i n n i ng,” sa id a f r e sh m a n. “I b el ie ve
t h at i n t he ne a r f ut u r e sc ho ol w i l l b e
shut dow n ent i r ely for t he w i nter s e ason a nd a l l work w i l l b e done at home.
No te s t s, no s t r e s s, no not h i ng. I’ l l b e
able to do work i n my ja m m ie s!”
W he t her t h i s s t udent i s r ig ht or not
r em a i n s to b e se en. S ou r c e s w it h i n t he
DINING HALL
COUPON
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
s c ho ol h ave h i nte d t h at t he ne w snow
d ay p ol ic y i s me a nt a s a te s t for s ome t h i ng big ger. Howe ver, M r. Jo e Pa r tac z , D e a n of Men a nd L or d of Mat h, h a s
d i sm i s s e d t he s e r u mor s s ay i ng t h at he
ne ver s a id suc h t h i ng s a nd wou ld l i ke
to sp e a k to t he s t udent pr iv ately du r i ng
a J UG. He a l s o ment ione d t h at te ac her s a nd fac u lt y a r e d i s c ou r a ge d f r om
p er p e t u at i ng a ny r u mor s ab out t he r e v a mp e d Snow Day s.
D e spite wh at Pa r t ac z s a id , it s e em s
a ver y r e a l p o s sibi l it y t h at S t . R it a
c ou ld g r ow up on it s c u r r ent u s e
of Snow Day s. L a s t ye a r t he s c ho ol
s w itc he d to i Pad s s o t h at a l l b o ok s
c ou ld b e ac c e s s e d on one de v ic e at a ny
t i me.
T he i Pad i s t he p er fe c t le a r n i ng to ol
for at home , on t he r oad , or at s c ho ol.
S t udent s won’t b e able to u s e t he e xc u s e
of not h av i ng t hei r b o ok s b e c au s e t he y
w i l l a lw ay s h ave t hei r i Pad w it h t hem
due to ba sic te en a ge add ic t ion to A pple
de v ic e s. I n fac t , t h i s c ou ld t a ke on l i ne
a nd a l l ele c t r on ic le a r n i ng to a whole
ne w le vel.
W it h s o m a ny c ol le ge s of fer i ng on l i ne
c ou r s e s, it wou ld not b e a su r pr i s e to
s e e S t . R it a shut dow n ent i r ely a nd b e c ome a n on l i ne e duc at ion hub r e ac h i ng
k id s ac r o s s t he c ou nt r y s olely t h r oug h
t he u s e of i Pad s.
$$$$
???
GUESS THE MEAT,
WIN 50% OFF THE MEAT
(must present coupon)
A2• NEWS
THE NATIR • MARCH 2016
DRUGS
Trump’s latest apprentice?
Jerry Pazin ’90
JACK WOJCICKI ’17
Following his third consecutive big win in Republican primaries, GOP front-runner and billionaire businessman Donald Trump is looking ahead to the general election, where he will take on either Hillary Clinton
or Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party. There is
no doubt in Trump’s mind he will be the GOP’s nomination; every other Republican candidate should get
ready to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border, especially Ted Cruz after Trump deports him. Believing
he has the nomination in the bag, Trump has begun
-- and completed -- his search for a running-mate, and
it’s one of St. Rita’s very own: history teacher Mr. Jerry
Pazin ‘90!
Trump first became acquainted with Pazin when he auditioned to be a candidate on Trump’s
show, The Celebrity Apprentice, for season 13 in 2013.
Although Pazin wasn’t selected as a candidate, Trump
said there was “just something intriguing about the
glint in his eye when he strolled in wearing a Blackhawks sweater. He’s the kind of guy that can make
America great again.” In the December 2014 issue of
The Natir, the Did You Know? was a fact unknown to
most in the Rita community and probably the whole
country: according to a weird constitutional rule, Mr.
Pazin is 38th in line for the Presidency of the United
States. Boo-hoo to the 36 irrelevant people he will
jump if the Trump Train rambles down Pennsylvania Avenue. So, in the end Trump’s selection is not
completely out of the red, white, and blue. Here are
Pazin’s credentials: 1990 graduate of Chicago’s #1 AllBoys Catholic High School, college graduate (probably), extremely decorated history teacher, veteran of
the APUSH War, friends with former Chicago Mayor
Richard M. Daley, has seen a Blackhawks game in every NHL arena, holds Catholic League record for most
times arriving late to seventh period in a single school
year (62), most papers passed out to students in the
iPad era, War of 1812 enthusiast, and all-time leading
Seinfeld episode viewer, as well as moderator of St.
Rita’s Seinfeld Club. A resume as loaded as this could
not have been passed over by someone as intelligent as
Trump.
Mr. Trump is hoping Pazin’s impeccable charisma and knowledge can lure some of the more sane
voters away from other candidates like Marco Rubio
and Ted Cruz. After the news broke, Pazin told The
Natir that he was a bit surprised that he was chosen: “I
was a little shocked when Donald called and told me I
would be his running-mate. To be honest I thought he
would pick Hulk Hogan. Working with Donald should
be interesting, though. My bank account will probably
enjoy it; this must be my consolation for not winning
that Powerball. And I just want to say in case this is
it for me as a teacher, I will miss my seventh period
junior AP U.S. History class the most.”
Mr. Pazin wants him and his students to be
fully prepared for his and Trump’s campaign, so he
is prepping all of his classes by postponing all lessons
and showing every episode of The Apprentice instead.
“I want my students to know who Trump really is and
I think The Apprentice was some of his finest work,”
said Pazin, “I have also showed my classes Donald’s
appearances on WWE Monday Night Raw.”
After the selection, Pazin admitted that his
trip to Florida in January was actually to meet with
Trump in New York, which explains why he wasn’t tan
at all; he lied and said the weather was bad.
If this is the end of Mr. Pazin’s tenure at St.
Rita, he will be deeply missed. Of course, we look forward to seeing him and Trump in the news. The Natir
would like to wish Mr. Pazin the best of luck as he joins
the likes of Piers Morgan and Trace Adkins as Mr.
Trump’s apprentice. Farewell, Mr. Pazin, and make
America great again!
GOSSIP
Has STEM club surpassed North Korea?
An SR investigation
MICHAEL RUTTER ’17
One violent explosion shook the wonderful and happy country of North Korea.
This was the fourth explosion which the glorious leader claimed to be nuclear weapons. That is a wonderful accomplishment for the country that was once thought
to be primitive. Unfortunately I was not able to secure a trip to go visit this lovely,
highly advanced society, so I can only infer from what I learned from Google Translate, which so far is “Wonderful little unicorn.” My Korean isn’t too great though,
but I’m quite confident that is the translation. With North Korea advancing rapidly,
I became curious as to what Is actually going around us here at Saint Rita.
My quest to investigate began with a trip to the Saint Rita STEM club. From
what was explained to me, STEM stands for “Super Technological Engineering
Manliness.” From what I’ve heard, they have built some seriously impressive things
including a massive t-shirt launcher which manages to fire a shirt at an astounding
4 miles per hour, a potato cannon which sometimes will actually work if they’re
lucky, and several rockets which they have never flown. Their immense list of accomplishments quickly drew my attention, so I decided to attend their next meeting. Arriving roughly fifteen minutes late, I walked into a classroom full of students
hard at work playing Candy-Crush and 1010 on their tablets. Their top scores on
each games were incredibly high, which made me understand they were some serious thinkers.
The Saint Rita STEM club was currently in the process of designing their
own weapons program, aimed at deterring other schools from talking smack about
their hockey team.
“We just don’t want those Rice kids talking smack to ‘The Boys,’ ya know?” said
an avid member of the club.
Turns out, the Saint Rita STEM has managed to surpass the North Koreans in a
matter of six weeks. I was quickly surprised by this response, so I asked them how
they were able to build one legally.
“Oh, we said it was for deer hunting, and the government was completely fine
with it,” said one member. “The biggest problem in our program so far is getting a
$90 ticket after the bomb accidentally fell out of the back of our pickup truck.”
The club is also well aware of the recent ICBM tests conducted by the DPRK;
however, they showed me their highly advanced ICBM constructed of cardboard
and plywood, and I was quite impressed. I had never seen a weapon that was well
capable of leveling nations. They provided me with a fact sheet comparing their
missile to the one constructed by the North Koreans. The average flight of their
rocket was roughly 4000 feet, whereas the Korean missile only flew 12 feet before
exploding.
I was never expecting weapons of mass destruction to be in the hands of moody
temperamental teenagers. But it turns out, in these modern days, that is acceptable. Taking these bombs would clearly violate their second amendment rights. It’s
good to know that we are in safe hands, and that the Koreans are still far behind on
the technology front.
7
6
5
DPRK Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, loser.
A3 • ENTERTAINMENT
THE NATIR • MARCH 2016
THE OSCARS
DiCaprio dating his Oscar, couple travels globe
LIAM DALY ’19
The Academy Awards--a magical evening
to recognize every man and woman that worked
so hard to make his or her movie happen. Countless awards for costumes, sets, and more. One of
the big ones is the Best Actor award which came
with the big question, “Would Leonardo DiCaprio win his very first Oscar?”
Momentum was building until the final
moment when the words were said by actress Julianne Moore: “And the Oscar goes to...Leonardo
DiCaprio!”
People cheered wildly for a man who had never
won an Oscar until that night. He tried to appear
shocked, and after his lengthy speech he gave a
grateful “Thank you”.
After the show DiCaprio went straight
to his house where he could be alone with his
Oscar. “I just want to get to know him a little better,” he said. “Oscar seems like a really cool guy.”
When he emerged a day later he announced that
he and his Oscar are going to travel the world.
“I want to show Oscar all the places that he has
never been giving him an adventure and getting
to know each other better.”
This brought a shock to most of America as they
knew Leo would be excited, but not so excited
that he is going-around-the-world-with-his-Oscar excited.
So Leo and his Oscar (who he refers to as
just Oscar because “He is just as much a person
as you and me”) booked all of their flights (the
Oscar even received first class ticket because “Oscar deserves the best of the best) and packed all
their bags.
Ken Barker of US Weekly posed the question to DiCaprio, “Where do you and your Oscar
plan on traveling to?”
“Good question,” the winner replied. “We plan
on flying to Europe and backpacking around
there. We want to visit Paris, run with the Bulls
in Spain, go to Greece, then head to Russia as I
have always been fascinated in the country. After
Europe we will travel to African countries such as
Rwanda, South Africa, and Chad. From there we
are going to Australia, we plan on riding kangaroos across the outback for a while and eventually land in Sydney. Then we’ll fly to Japan and
stay in Tokyo for a week and then fly back home
to L.A.”
But what will Leo do when he’s supposed to be
filming projects such as Satori and The Ballad of
Richard Jewell?
“I don’t quite know to be honest. I guess I’ll tell
them they have to find a new actor then. Anyway
I need to pack.”
So Leonardo Dicaprio flew out of LAX on
March 2nd and was well received in Europe and
documented his journey. He was also successful
in evading the various diseases outside the United States. Sadly Leonardo did not understand
that the Australian Outback was as big as it is
and that kangaroos weren’t like cars in America.
He died of dehydration because he only brought
one bottle of water.
But most importantly the screen star also died
knowing that his beloved Oscar would not die.
DiCaprio and Oscar spotted at a lavish party at West Egg.
Like what
you’re reading
here?
Then why aren’t you part of The Natir?
See Sensei Baffoe today.
Correction: The Oscar actually melted within a week of
being on the outback. The Natir regrets the error.
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
A4• LOCAL NEWS
THE NATIR • MARCH 2016
NAMES IN THE NEWS
Mustang Lacrosse Team and Football Team Battle for Weightroom
Rugby an innocent third party
SAM MACANDER ’19
Not too long ago, the New Year started. It was the time
of year where people made their resolutions, ones that they
would most likely keep for a week or two.
But at Saint Rita the football players were greeted
with a resolution they had to keep--lifting. The freshmen,
sophomores, and juniors all headed up to the weight room
the day of coming back from Christmas break.
“We need all
the time that we can
get,” said head football
coach Kuska. “Some
guy I met at a gym
once told me, ‘No pain,
no gain,’ or something
like that.”
When asked
about why weight lifting has started so early, unnamed juniors
responded by saying
it was necessary to get
“yolked,” “swole,” and many other slang terms that refer to
the act of gaining strength. The students asked to remain
anonymous in order to avoid certain future embarrassment.
The freshmen have been taking part in difficult exercises such as watching their group leaders doing all of the
work or constantly running to the water fountain to avoid
doing work.
Besides the football players, there has been another
group of athletes in the weightroom. The lacrosse players,
who have been lifting since late 2015, were not too accepting
of the football players.
The football players have always outnumbered the
lacrosse players, yet the “LAX Bros” continue to believe that
the weight room is theirs.
“We were here first,” said freshman Kyle Somrek.
“They can’t just come onto our turf thinking that they’re the
best. They don’t even LAX, bro.”
The rivalry between the two sports has grown, and
the lacrosse players continue to argue that their sport is the
best. Their way of backing up their claim is saying that lacrosse is better than other bad sports.
In the past weeks, the athletes have been trashtalking each other, using words and phrases that they most
likely found on Urban Dictionary. Because the coaches in
the weight room are either not present or not caring, the students’ fights are not stopped by anyone.
Somewhere in the midst is the rugby team, but
the football and lacrosse players do not interact with them
much. Every now and then, a lacrosse or football player will
laugh at a rugby player for taking part in the sport for which
he is training.
Football lifting leaders have recently been planning
a full-out war between the lacrosse and football players.
“It’s the only way prove that we are better,” says football leader Liam Kelly. “There’s like forty of us and twenty of
them. We have a clear winner.”
Most players, especially the freshmen, refuse to take
part in any physical fights. Their biggest fear is taking a trip
to the dean’s office.
It’s unclear, what will come out of this situation.
Some players believe that the rivalry will die down over
time. There is also the group of kids who believe that fighting is the only way to win, because, well, they just want to get
in fights.
All that students can do now is hope that it will have
a good outcome. The daily weight lifting sessions will continue, and the battle goes on.
Do you
even lift,
bro?
.
NAMES IN THE NEWS
Bulls trade Rose to Celtics for Scalabrine
KYLE LAIRD ’19
Last Thursday, after yet another disappointing loss, the Chicago Bulls’ front office decided to make
some massive lineup changes. The trade was a real shock to all basketball fans. Chicago traded Derrick
Rose for former Bulls forward current Celtics analyst Brian Scalabrine,
as well as a future third round draft choice.
Bulls’ star guard Jimmy Butler was ecstatic after hearing the news.
“I can finally touch the ball and be able to shoot whenever I want,” he
said. “This is wonderful because now I know I’m the best player on this
team.”
Celtics head coach Brad Stevens was also very excited. “I’ll actually be
able to coach a real ball player and not these LeBron-wannabes. With
White Mamba back in Chicago
Rose in our lineup, we’ll be a second round out instead of always losing
first round to LeBron.”
Bulls head coach Fred Hoiberg was also very happy about hearing his star guard traded. “I finally have a
true basketball player in Scalabrine. He’s what every coach dreams of having. Great 3-point shot, lockdown
defense, the ability to see the court, dedication to the game, and great hair.”
Kirk Hinrich was disappointed in not being able to play with Scalabrine.
“He’s the GOAT,” the guard said. “He’s a great teammate, a leader on and off the court, and can confuse
opponents who thing his hair is the orange ball.”
Hinrich will not have the chance to play with a legend after he was just traded, also on the deadline, to the
D-League for some Skittles and a Seth Curry jersey.
Also including in the trade, besides the White Mamba, was a 2017 3rd round draft pick and Celtics season tickets for the Bulls general manager, Gar Forman. The GM was very excited with his pass to go watch
his favorite team rather than the Bulls.
“I definitely won this trade,” said Forman. “I got a good draft pick and a hardworking star for a large hospital bill. Plus, I can go watch the Celtics play.”
Former Bulls’ star, MVP, and All-Star Michael Jordan was disappointed with the trade. “Scalabrine already has been considered by many the greatest Bull of all time. After he plays a few more seasons, he will
set new records and likely diminish the legacy of the 1990s Bulls teams.”
The trade looks good for Chicago, as the team now looks to turn their losing season into a championship
caliber team. They now look to draft Ben Simmons or Buddy Heild with the third rounder and hope one of
them will work under the leadership of Scalabrine.
The Bulls also now have a chance to sign Carmelo Anthony and Jeremy Lin as their cap space has grown.
Scalbrine’s contract is only a pack of Red Vines and Starburst per game, rather than Rose’s $195 million
salary. The future looks brighter than the Mamba’s hair for the Chicago Bulls. As for the Celtics, they will
have to pay for the massive hospital bills for Derrick Rose and the crutches he will be using this season.
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
A5 • SPORTS
THE NATIR • MARCH 2016
BREAKING
BREAKING
Beloved teacher/coach
qualifies for Olympics
STEPHEN VIZ ‘18
Denver signs Peyton Manning
to lifetime deal
PETE CONROY ‘19
St.Rita high school’s own Jay Standring, or J-Bird
to most students, has qualified for the 2016 summer Olympic Games in Rio De Janeiro. Standring,
a Rita graduate who teaches Physical Education and
coaches several sports, is the oldest person ever to
qualify for the Olympics and was on the 1966 Notre
Dame football championship team.
He believes while he has played other sports
during his life, swimming has always been his “passion.”
“It could also be that I inhale chlorine fumes in
my office every day,” he said as he sat in the locker room working on an algorithm for intramural
scheduling.
He plans to compete and show up other Americans such as Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, and Dave
Mearsheimer. If all goes according to plan, Standring will swim in every single swimming event
there is to offer in Rio--all freestyle swims, such as
50 meter, 200 meter, 400 meter, and 1800 meters.
Backstroke, breaststroke, butterf ly, freestyle, medley relay and individual medley are more events.
J-Bird also plans to swim at the open water mens
marathon later in the Olympics.
Most men wouldn’t be able to complete this grueling load of competition, but Standring is no ordinary man. His chiseled physique allows him to
compete at a inhuman level. Standring’s training
routine also allows him to remain in top shape.
During breaks of teaching and other duties at St.
Rita, J-Bird swims and trains in St. Rita’s state of
the art pool. Having access to these facilities has
kept him in tip top shape over the years.
Many have voiced concerned for Standring swimming in the men’s marathon due to Rio de Janeiro’s increasingly large water problem. Rio’s water
has had a numerous amount of pollution problems
for years. People who swim in the waters there are
known to get terrible diseases. Some cases of serious birth defects have been reported.
The water mixed with the Brazilian government’s
poor clean-up effort has scared many Olympians
away from the Games. Standring, however, is unfazed.
“I’ve been struck by lightning 3 and half times
before,” he boasted. “I’ve wrestled gators, I’ve had
15 concussions, a little bit of water will not be able
to stop me.”
This kind of enthusiasm is key for an Olympian
before they enter the games. Confidence is necessary for one to succeed. If J-Bird is to compete at
the highest international level, he must be confident
and bold.
But who knows? Maybe by the time the 2016-2017
school year at St. Rita rolls around Standring could
have horns sprouting from his head thanks to Rio’s
garbage petri dish water. Only time will be able to
decide that.
But for now, the St. Rita community will have
to be content with the fact that one of its own, Jay
Standring, will conquer this year’s Oly mpic Games
in R io de Janeiro.
Manning will turn 40 at the end of March.
He has been considered a legend
by some. Some call him a senior
citizen. Everyone always seems
to be asking one question: When
w ill Manning f ina lly retire? Ap parently not. A f ter 18 years in
the NFL , Pey ton Manning has announced not his retirement, but
rather the lack of one.
A lthough Manning had an injur y-filled, disappointing regular
season, the 39 year-old did quite
well in the postseason, leading
Denver to winning its third Lomb a r d i Tr o p h y. E v e n s o , t h i s d e c i sion makes little sense considering Manning constantly show ing
h i s a ge ’s e f f e c t s o n t h e f i e l d .
Manning
believes
otherwise,
“I’m not ready for ret irement, a nd
I never w ill be. People who say
t hat I’m too old to play footba l l
are wrong. I’ve just been taking
i t e a s y o n m y o p p o n e n t s r e c e n t l y.
I’m feeling good a f ter t his Super
Bowl - so good that I never want
t o q u i t f o o t b a l l . No w, I d on’t h a v e
t o r e t i r e .”
There has been a lot of speculation over the past few years
p o i nt i n g t o M a n n i n g ’s r e t i r e m e nt .
Howe ver, Ma n n i ng s e em s to t h i n k
t h at h e ’s s t i l l i n h i s p r i m e .
When inter viewed about his talent now compared to earlier in his
c a r e er, Ma n n i ng s a id , “I ’m ju s t
a s go o d no w, i f no t b e t t e r, t h a n
I was on that 2006 Colts Super
Bowl team. No matter what people
s a y, I d o n’ t a g e o n t h e f i e l d .”
Although Manning says this,
his way of playing says otherwise.
Manning has been playing worse
b y e ac h y e a r. He h a s s t a r te d to
look less like himself on the field
over time. From injuries to just
overall sloppy playing, Manning
is looking less like himself and
more like Rober t Grif f in III. He
w ill surely get even worse w ith
S T R I TA HS .C OM
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PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
time, too. As he ages, Manning is
goi ng to ne e d h i s s p on s or, Nat ionw ide , on h i s s ide mor e t h a n e ve r.
Manning stated, “I may seem
old compared to other NFL playe r s no w, but w a i t u nt i l I ’m 6 0 a nd
s t i l l s e t t i ng r e c or d s a s a pl ayer,
I’ l l be a legend. I’m going to be
play ing until I need a walker to
g e t a r o u n d .”
The
Broncos,
like
Manning,
seem to have confidence in the
18-year
veteran
quarterback.
Denver is pay ing Pey ton Manning
to the first lifetime contract for
$1 5 5 m i l l ion p er ye a r, t a k i ng up
their entire salar y cap until Manning dies.
When asked about this outrageous contract, Denver GM John
Elway said, “Even though we have
no more money to spend, we still
h ave Pe y ton . We’ve fou nd a g r e at
group of guys who are willing to
play for the Broncos for free, too.
Even if we don’t have any ot her
great players, Pey ton Manning is
s t i l l a B r o n c o f o r l i f e , l i t e r a l l y,
so we’re bound to have a g reat
t e a m .”
Many Denver fans do not agree
with this decision to spend all
o f t h e t e a m’s m o n e y o n M a n n i n g .
They find it insane that they are
stuck with Manning as basically
their whole team for the next 4-5
d e c a d e s .”
Pey ton Manning responded to
t his cr it icism, “I don’t c are what
they think. It may be a stupid decision for t he Broncos, but I’m
excited to be making this much
money playing for the team I love
f o r t h e r e s t o f m y l i f e .”
This may not be the outcome
that football fans expected, but it
is the decision that Manning and
the Broncos believe is best.
A6• SPORTS
THE NATIR • MARCH 2016
MUSTANG SPORTS
Scholastic Bowl team
to move to
Los Angeles
Teddy McDermott already reportedly dating Rihanna
SEAN MACANDER ‘17
The team is hoping McDermott’s relationship doesn’t become a Yoko/Beatles thing.
The St. Rita Mustangs are making
their first move since 1990--this time, to Los
Angeles. Along with the chess team, which
is steal negotiating a deal for news sets, the
Scholastic Bowl team committed to a brand
new city with brand new scholastic fans.
The Chicago Catholic League decided to make this decision due to separate the
highly competitive Mount Carmel and St.
Rita scholastic bowl teams, who recently
faced off in a three-game mega-match. This
match was touted as the match of the century, resulting in a Mount Carmel victory.
The Mustangs agreed to move to Los
Angeles on the basis that a brand new multimillion dollar Scholastic Bowl classroom
will be built, with brand new desks, buzzers,
name cards, and a scoreboard. In the offseason this facility will serve as a state-ofthe-art faculty work room. After negotiating
for seven and a half minutes, future president Donald Trump agreed to make Mexico
pay for it, despite Mexico having absolutely
nothing to do with the Scholastic Bowl competition at all.
Deciding to move to Los Angeles is
a huge decision for the City of Angels, where
massive crowds watch “ScholBowl” competitions on the High School Cube every week.
“I think we can immediately bring in some
money to the school by selling jerseys of our
top scholar, Teddy McDermott,” said St. Rita
coach Mrs. Mary Misiora. (Leading scorer
McDermott is reportedly involved romantically with music star Rihanna, who is also a
known sports fan.) “I also think that we can
start bringing in students from Los Angeles,
who can easily join in one of our classrooms
through FaceTime on the magical educational iPad tools. The benefits of moving five
students to Los Angeles to compete are endless.”
Head varisty coach Mr. Alex Lee is
also expected to receive more endorsement
opportunities while closer to Hollywood.
St. Rita’s administration touted the move as
beneficial.
“Today is a landmark day for Los
Angeles and Chicago and St. Rita,” said St.
Rita principal Brendan Conroy. “We are so
excited to use the money gained from the
Scholastic Bowl team to install more completely necessary windows, like the one installed in the Campus Ministry in the past
year.”
Former Mathematics Teachers’ Association of Los Angeles Rising Star Josh
Blaszak also is excited for the move to Los
Angeles, and is hoping to build a new window in Room 106, where he teaches his only
class. “Fingers crossed,” said Blaszak.
Costing the team some plane tickets
and hotel rooms until Mexico builds the luxurious Trump Scholastic Bowl Classroom
and Teacher Cocktail Lounge ™, it appears
to be an immediate economic boost for the
school. St. Rita has recently been perceived
as a very rich school, with its high quality
vintage weight room and freezer aisle-worthy cuisine in the cafeteria, and the revenue
generated by the move no doubt will enhance that perception. The Scholastic Bowl
team has also decided to unionize and has
collectively bargained for pay and/or the
right to exchange signed name cards for tattoos.
While the chess team said they
were not ready to move yet, it acknowledges that there is not as big as a chess fanbase
as there is a competitive trivia fanbase, but
its respective fanbase is growing, and a new
market like L.A. is prime for chess to take
its king. (The Natir has been told this is an
appropriate chess joke.)
The ScholBowl move to Los Angeles
has been criticized by the much of fanbase
of the team, consisting of a player’s mom
who enjoyed going to matches and another
player’s mom, who said that she will miss
her son during his trip to L.A. A Change.org
petition to keep the team in Chicago had received four signatures as of print time.
AROUND THE HORN
Sixth-grader signs
National Letter of
Intent to attend SR
NEIL DALY ’16
Recruiting for the NCAA has become more and more
competitive each year. This has lead coaches to go to extremes
in order to get recruits to sign with their team. Michigan’s head
coach, Jim Harbaugh is at the forefront of this, as he will do the
most outrageous stunts to get a recruit. As of late, he has done
anything from climb a tree to sleeping over at a recruit’s house
in order to get them to Michigan. It seems that St. Rita has taken a play out of Harbaugh’s playbook, and will go to the extreme
for recruits.
The admission at St. Rita has been down over the past
few years. This has caused the admissions office to take a new
route to land students. St. Rita’s Ed Leiser ‘04, Rob Gallik ‘10,
and Roshawn Russell ’08 have each gone to extremes as of late
to get recruits. Some of these recruits are as young as fourth
grade and it goes all the way up to eighth graders. The main
story being circulated is that all three of them have been paying
teachers to give the high rated recruits good grades. Because
nobody cares about high school recruits, there is no rule against
this, so that’s why nobody has made a fuss about it. Their efforts
have not gone unnoticed, as the numbers of students choosing to
attend St. Rita are increasing.
One person has surprised everybody by committing and
signing to St. Rita as a 6th grader. While it is unconventional to
everybody, it is no surprise to the boy’s father.
“Mr. Leiser did a great job at recruiting him,” said the new SR
dad. “He even went as far as babysitting him, FOR FREE, so I
was very impressed. Good choice for my son.”
Once again, Leiser’s acts seem to be eerily similar to that
of Harbaugh’s antics, but Leiser claims they aren’t. It is still
mind-boggling why the student has made up his mind, with two
and a half years before he needs to and, according to those close
to the recruit, he likes what St. Rita has to offer.
The student has been on the admission’s radar since his
impressive 5th grade football campaign. “I liked what I saw,”
said Leiser. “He was great at getting off the ball and I think he’ll
be a great athlete here.” It is surprising Leiser mentions his
football ability, as the student has reportedly shown interest in
the tennis squad. It seems the office of admissions had left out
the fact that the St. Rita tennis team was discontinued two years
ago.
While there is a problem at hand with the tennis situation, he has stated his desire to still attend St. Rita. The St. Rita
community welcomes him and his family, even though there is
still two years until he arrives on campus. Until then, he can
imagine what it will be like at Rita, and shadow as well. Mr.
Leiser has already stated that it’s never too early to shadow, as
the President’s Day shadow day saw students as young as second
grade. Still, we wish the commit good luck, and welcome to the
family.
Mr. Leiser is even dressing like Harbaugh as well.
Quote of the Week
“Dum. Dumdumdum dumdum dum. Dum. Dumdumdum dumdum dum. ”
- The White Stripes “Seven Nation Army”
S T R I TA HS .C OM
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PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE