SOCKIN` IT TO YOU SINCE 1997 MARCH 2005

SOCKIN` IT TO YOU SINCE 1997 MARCH 2005

SOCKIN’ IT TO YOU SINCE 1997
MARCH 2005
5)&
3/
1045.0%&*446&
5PFOJ
'
PPUTHFSBME
TPDLQVQQFU
IPUUJFPGUIFNPOUI
NPSF
MJLF
&%*503*/$)*&'
JOUIJTJTTVF
FEATURES
(BUPSBEFDIVHHJOH NFBUIFBET
QSBDUJDFUIFJSHSVOUJOH
8IZ IBJST TPNFUJNFT GBMM JO
ZPVSGPPETVQFSJPSJUZ
8IJQQFS TOBQQFST WT PME HFF
[FSTZPVEPOUTBUJTGZNFJOCFE
BNBTUVSCBUJOHDBWFNBOSPCPU
1PMJDFNFO CSBH BCPVU UIFJS
NBHOVNT DPDLFE CBDL SFWPMW
FSTBHJHHMFGJU
(8IFSFUIFXJMEUIJOHTBSF
*DF DSFBN DPOFT QSJOUFE JO
DPMPS0OMZGPSUFBTJOH‡EPOU
MJDL
1FSFOOJBMT BOOVBMT BOE XIZ
OFJUIFSMBTUTPWFSUXPXFFLT
MARCH
2 0 0 5
CREDITS
NEWS
"UISFFUSJMMJPOMPOHQBHFMBZPVU
PGUIF*OUFSOFU
#BSCFDVF XFFL QSJNF SJCCFE
GPSZPVSQMFBTVSF
64HPWFSONFOUSBJTFTUBYFTPO
GVO 4XJTT HPWFSONFOU SBJTFT
UBYFTGPSGVO
"OFBHMFTQSFBEFBHMF
)PXUPTFMMUIFSJHIUTUPZPVS
UIPVHIUTBIBNTUFSOBNFE.$
)BNTUFSIVOESFETPGCFBOT
(SBWJUZUBLFTBGFBUIFSUPOFX
IFJHIUT
4JTUFSTGJHIUPWFSXIBUUPXBUDI
PO57BDBUSJEJOHBMBXONPXFS
JOSPVHIUFSSBJOEVSJOHBTUPSN
$PWFSEFTJHO
4UFQIBOJF#BUFT
4BSB,BOFXTLF
.JLF,BOUPS
5PEE/JFOLFSL
.BSUJO-BXSFODF
$ISJTUJOB7BSBMBZPVU
1VQQFUSZ
4UFQIBOJF#BUFT
&NJMZ(BCJU[TDI
+FO(PMETUFJO
&SJDB(SVOEJTI
,SJTUJO)JMMFSZ
#SBEMFZ+BDLTPO
4BSB,BOFXTLF
OPINION
1VQQFUSZDPOUJOVFE
$ISJTUJF:PVOH
"QBSUNFOUOFXTMFUUFS
,SJTUJO)JMMFSZ
5PEE/JFOLFSL
%BWJE4USBVTT
$ISJTUJF:PVOH
*MMVTUSBUJPOT
++)FSNFT
.JLF,BOUPS
5PEE.FJO
5PEE/JFOLFSL
%BWJE4USBVTT
)BNCVSHFS#VOJPO
%BWJE4USBVTT
$ISJTUJOB7BSB
"%7&35*4*/(
&SJDB(SVOEJTI
8&#."45&3
")034&5)"5
$"/3&"%
NPSF
MJLF
BIPSTFUIBUDBO
#3&&%
$POUSJCVUJOH8SJUFST
%S/BODZ%BMFZ
.JTUZ3FFE
"ETBMFT
&SJDB(SVOEJTI
$IBOJDF+BO
.PEFMT
.BVSFFO(SBEZ
$ISJT)FOSZ
.BUU.FJTOFS
$PPM-BLFT
4VQFSJPS
(SFBU4BMU
5JUJDBDB
4UFQIBOJF#BUFT
#SBEMFZ+BDLTPO
5PEE.FJO
+JMM.PSSJT
+PIO3PQFS
&SJD4FVGFSU
$ISJTUJF:PVOH
%&4*(/45"''
%*453*#65*0/
77:PVSF UPP VHMZ UP FWFS HFU
NBSSJFE ESJFE GSVJU CJUT XJMM
IFMQXJUIZPVSSFHVMBSJUZ
8IZ UIPOHT NJHIU EFDSFBTF
ZPVSTQFSNDPVOUXFEHJFT
3JDLZ .BSUJO FBUJOH B CBOBOB
PVUPGBUVCFTPDL
5IFSF BSF CJMMJPO HFSNT JO
UIJT TFDUJPO EPOU XJQF ZPVS
OPTFXJUIBVTFEQBOUZMJOFS
TUE(MBEJBBBBUPSFWFSHFUUIBUOPU
TPGSFTIGFFMJOH
'4FSJPVTMZ XIP UIF GVDL MFU UIF
EPHTPVU
5+VTUCFDBVTF*IBWFBHMBTTQFOJT
EPFTOUNFBOZPVIBWFUPTUBSF
1VQQFUSZDPOUJOVFE
.JLF,BOUPS
5PEE.FJO
+JMM.PSSJT
(BSSFU3PXF
5PCZ4BMJOHFS
-BVSB4DIVMNBO
4UFQIFO4IPSU
83*5*/(45"''
16#-*$*5:
r0WFSMZ FOUIVTJBTUJD QIZTJDT QSPGFTTPST XJMM
TVGGFS B DSVTIJOH CMPX UP UIFJS FHPT XIFO
TUVEFOUT GBJM UP HFU ZFU BOPUIFS MBNF KPLF BCPVU
FSHPEJDGJFMET
r4USBOHFMZ IPQTDPUDI XJMM DPOUJOVF UP CF BO
VOQPQVMBSTQPSUPOUIF4PVUI.BMM
r5XP USBHJDBMMZ VOBXBSF HVZT XJMM TJU OFYU UP
FBDI PUIFS JO MFDUVSF XIJMF XFBSJOH UIF TBNF
QBUIFUJDBMMZ NBTTNBSLFUFE TIJSU i&WFSZUIJOH JT
#JHHFSJO5FYBT u&YDFQUWBSJFUZ
r4UVEFOUT XJMM OBJWFMZ DPOUJOVF UP CFMJFWF TPNF
UIJOHT BSFOU UPP HPPE UP CF USVF BOE UIBU PWFS
TVHBSFE TNPPUIJFT UIBU UBTUF MJLF JDF DSFBN BSF
BDUVBMMZHPPEGPSUIFN
r3FTFBSDIFSTXJMMGJOEUIBUUIFHSFBUFTUTQSFBEFST
PG UIF DPNNPO DPME BSF UIF BQQBSFOUMZ OFWFS
DMFBOFE TDSFFOT PG UIF TFMGDIFDLPVU SFHJTUFST BU
)&#
r4UVEZJOH GPS NJEUFSNT XJMM UVSO PVU UP CF POF
PGUIFNPTUFYQFOTJWFFOEFBWPSTFWFSVOEFSUBLFO
CZTUVEFOUTXIPCVZOVNFSPVTDPGGFFESJOLT
BUMPDBMDPGGFFTIPQTGPSEBZTPOFOE
70-6.&r*446&
."3$)
++)FSNFT
&MJ[BCFUI#BSLTEBMF
,BUISZO&EXBSET
$IBOJDF+BO
3ZBO#.BSUJOF[
ęĠēēĚĖĤLJDLJOCBDLTPDLFSQMBZJOHGPPUTJFMPPLJOHGPSBNBUFXBUDIJOH4JY'FFU6OEFS
ĥĦģğĠğĤGJTIOFUTUPDLJOHTUPFSJOHTCJHGFFUQFEJDVSFTUPFTVDLJOHTPDLTPOUIFCFBDI
ĥĦģğĠėėĤHFUUJOHMPTUJOUIFESZFSIPMFTTUBUJDDMJOHTUSFUDINBSLTCVOJPOTDBNFMUPFT
ĞĠĥĥĠi.FBOQFPQMFTPDLw
r" GJMN VOEFSHSBE XJMM XSJUF B TDSJQU XIJMF
GPMMPXJOHUIFDSFEPi8SJUFXIBUZPVLOPXu#VU
EP BVEJFODFT SFBMMZ XBOU UP TFF B NPWJF BCPVU
GVUVSFVOFNQMPZBCJMJUZ
r.PSOJOHDMPVETXJMMGPPMFWFSZPOFJOUPDBSSZJOH
BOVNCSFMMBBSPVOEBMMEBZJOUIFHMBSJOHTVO
r"QBDLPGSBWFOPVTXPMWFTXJMMCSFBLJOUP+FTUFS
$JUZ-JNJUTCVUXJMMMFBWFXIFOUIFZGJOEOPUIJOH
TVJUBCMFUPFBU
r*G UIF HJSMT XFBSJOH NJOJTLJSUT BOE GMJQGMPQT
JO EFHSFF XFBUIFS BSF BOZ JOEJDBUJPO
IZQPUIFSNJBJTUIFOFXIBVUF
r1FPQMFFWFSZXIFSFBSFDIFXJOHXBZUPPMPVE
"440$*"5&
&%*5034
WJUBMTUBUT
BSPVOE
DBNQVT
,SJTUJO)JMMFSZ
%&4*(/%*3&$503
GJSNQIBMBOHFTJOUPZPVSFBHFSMZBHBQFPQFOJOH5IFUJHIUHSJQ
PGZPVSQPMZCMFOEBSPVOENZBQQFOEBHFIFBUTJUUPUIFCPOF
:PVSTFYZBSHZMFQBUUFSOTBZTOPCVUUIBUVOQBUDIFEIPMF
DSJFTZFTZFTZFT.ZTUJOLZQJOLZBDIFTUPCFJOTJEFZPV
BOESPVTFUIFNVTLPGNPJTUQBTTJPO
r"IBJSZHVZNFEJUBUJOHCZUIF5VSUMF1POEXJMM
CFDPNFPOFXJUIBSUJGJDJBMBRVBUJDT
r0WFSXFJHIU QJHFPOT XJMM TIJU PO VOTVTQFDUJOH
TUVEFOUTFBUJOHMVODIPVUTJEFUIF6OJPO
r4UVEFOUTQSPUFTUJOH5BDP#FMMGPSIVNBOSJHIUT
TIPVMEJOTUFBECFQSPUFTUJOHGPSUIFSJHIUUPCVZ
BUBDPUIBUEPFTOUUBTUFMJLFTFBTPOFECBUUVSETJO
BDBSECPBSETIFMM
r5IFESJWFSPGB)POEB$JWJDXJUISBDJOHTUSJQFT
BOE CMVF OFPO MJHIUT XJMM SFBMJ[F UIBU IJT DBS JT
OFJUIFSGBTUOPSGVSJPVT
r" QFEFTUSJBO BOE B ESJWFS BU UIF JOUFSTFDUJPO
PG 4QFFEXBZ BOE TU XJMM FOHBHF JO BO IPVS
TUBOEPGGBTUIFZSFQFBUFEMZBUUFNQUUPXBWFFBDI
PUIFSPO
r/FXMZFMFDUFE
TUVEFOU
HPWFSONFOU
PGGJDFST XJMM EFMJCFSBUF PWFS XIFUIFS iJTTVFE
SFDPNNFOEBUJPOTu
PS
iCSBJOTUPSNFE
SFDPNNFOEBUJPOTuJTCFUUFSGPSUIFJSSFTVNFT
r"O PWFSIFBSE TOJQQFU PG DPOWFSTBUJPO JO
$IJOFTFXJMMNBLFZPVGFFMDVMUVSBMMZCSPBEFOFE
TPNFIPX
5PEE/JFOLFSL
."/"(*/(&%*503
46$,JU
0IZPVTPYZUIBOHA5JMUPEBZ*NFSFMZESFBNUPGTMJQQJOHNZ
NEWS •
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
1611&5
"%.*/*453"5*7&
"44*45"/54
'"$6-5:"%7*403
4UBO#BCCJUU
5PCZ4BMJOHFS
.JLF,BOUPS
;BDL$MBYUPO
.JLF'BFSCFS
&NJMZ(BCJU[TDI
+FO(PMETUFJO
5SBWJT)FOOJOH
4BSB,BOFXTLF
(BSSFUU3PXF
-BVSB4DIVMNBO
4UFQIFO4IPSU
4IFMMFZ4NJUI
+PIO3VT[LJFXJD[
CON TA CT
1)0/& &."*-
MFUUFST!UFYBTUSBWFTUZDPN
8&#
X X X U F Y B T U S B W F T U Z D P N
."*-
5FYBT5SBWFTUZr65"VTUJO
10#PY%r"VTUJO59
EDITORS EMERITUS
,FWJO#VUMFS
#FO4USPVE
#SBE#VUMFS
5SFWPS3PTFO
L E GA L E S E
5IF 5FYBT5SBWFTUZ JT UIF TUVEFOU IVNPS QVC
MJDBUJPO BU UIF 6OJWFSTJUZ PG 5FYBT BU "VTUJO
QVCMJTIFE NPOUIMZ CZ UIF QFSNBOFOU BOE
DPOUSJCVUJOH TUBGG 5IF 5SBWFTUZ JT B XPSL PG
IPQFGVMMZ
IVNPSPVT GJDUJPO &YDFQU XIFSF
QVCMJD GJHVSFT BSF JOWPMWFE DIBSBDUFST BSF OPU
CBTFEPOBOZSFBMQFSTPO"OZSFTFNCMFODFUP
BOZQFSTPOTMJWJOHPSEFBEJTDPJODJEFOUBM5IF
WJFXTFYQSFTTFEJOUIF5SBWFTUZEPOPUSFGMFDU
UIF WJFXT PG 5FYBT 4UVEFOU 1VCMJDBUJPOT UIF
6OJWFSTJUZ PG5FYBT BU"VTUJO PS QSFUUZ NVDI
BOZPOF"MMNBUFSJBMQSJOUFEJTQSPQFSUZPGUIF
5SBWFTUZ5IF 5FYBT5SBWFTUZ JT OPU JOUFOEFE GPS
SFBEFST VOEFS ZFBST PG BHF SFHBSEMFTT PG
UIFQSFUUZQJDUVSFT
SHOUT OUTZ TO...
4DPUU 4JMWB EPOU GVDL VQ NFE TDIPPM
(VZLOPXNJUFDPN 5PEET TFDSFU MJGF GPPM
QSPPGBOPOZNJUZUIFDPNJOHTUPSNTPGUJODBO
EFTDFOU MJHIUJOH BOE TPGU IJUT B OFX QSJOUFS
GPS Y QBQFS 0/-: SFXSJUFT UIF UJUUZ
POFXJUIUIFDVSMZCVTIHPPHMFZFZFTCVSOJOH
UIF CFKFF[VT PVU PG ZPVS IBOE XJUI IPU HMVF
,BSFO JT EJSUZ CZ DIPJDF ESBBBBBH $IBOJDFT
iNBUFSOBM JOTUJODUTu HVZT OPU CFJOH JOWJUFE UP
UIF TMFFQPWFS TFSJPVTMZ UIF7BHJOB %JBMPHVFT
GMBVOUJOH PVS TIJU UIF LJOEOFTT PG TUSBOHFST B
TFSJFTPGFTUSPHFOQBDLFEFOUSJFTJOUIF4IPVU
0VU[UIFBOUJEPUFEJDLUBMLBOEBSNXSFTUMJOH
SVJOJOH QFPQMFT SFQVUBUJPOT NPSF MJLF #BKB
'SFF)BUTPO$BUTVOEFSBHFHJSMT3PDLFUNBO
NBLJOH DPOUBDU XJUI UIF NPUIFSTIJQiJOWFSTF
TRVBSFMBXJOZPVSGBDFuUVCHJSM5FYBODPMVN
OJTUTXIPSJQVTPGG&MWJTTIJSUT8IBU+JMMVTFTBT
NBZPOOBJTFMBUFOJHIU"*.DPOWFSTBUJPOTBCPVU
UIFTFYMJWFTPGTUBGGFSTGSFFGPPE4BSBUIF4PDL
1VQQFU.JTUSFTT(BSSFUUBOEUIFNPTUUFSSJCMF
QPTUFSFWFSNBEF5SBWFTUZ/FX[IPNFNBEF
MJNFBEF $IVDL8BULJOT UIF PGGJDF QPTJOH BT
UIF8JOEZ$JUZCSJMMJBOUIBJLVTBCPVUTFYBOE
MJHIUOJOHMPWFSTiTPGUuDPPLJFT7BNQDPOTUSVD
UJPO QBQFS BSUJTUSZ 4VO.BJEiNBLF NZ CBDL
IVSUu BSNQJU TUBJOT BOE CBSF NJESJGGT B GSP JO
QSPHSFTTHFUUJOHBHMPWFJOZPVSTBOEXJDI
¥5FYBT5SBWFTUZ"MMSJHIUTSFTFSWFE
$JSDVMBUJPO
3
654ZTUFNUPVTFTVSQMVTGVOETGPSFNFSHFODJFT
&YUSBNJMMJPOTFUBTJEFGPSQPUFOUJBMWPMDBOPSFMJFGUIJTBOEUIBU
3ZBO#.BSUJOF[
"440$*"5&&%*503
"645*/ ‡ 65 4ZTUFN PēDJBMT BOOPVODFE
MBTUXFFLUIBUNJMMJPOPGBQSPKFDUFE
NJMMJPOTVSQMVTXJMMHPUPBOiFNFSHFODZGVOEu
UIBU XPVME CVĒFS BHBJOTU B SBOHF PG QPTTJCMF
QSPCMFNTTVDIBTTBZBWPMDBOJDFSVQUJPOJO
$FOUSBM5FYBT
.BOZ DSJUJDT EJTBQQSPWF PG UIF FNFSHFODZ
GVOET JOEFêOJUF OBUVSF TVHHFTUJOH JOTUFBE
UIBUUIFNPOFZTIPVMECFVTFEUPMPXFSUVJUJPO
DPTUT654ZTUFNPēDJBMTEJTBHSFF
i-JTUFO UIFSF BSF DPOUJOHFODJFT UIBU ZPV
KVTU OFFE UP QSFQBSF GPSu TBJE 65 4ZTUFN
$IBODFMMPS .BSL :VEPG i'PS JOTUBODF XIBU
JGUIFHFPMPHJDBMDBMNPGUIF/PSUI"NFSJDBO
DFOUSBM QMBJOT IBT BDUVBMMZ CFFO NBTLJOH VQ
QFSNBOUMFDPOWFDUJPOXIJDIXJMMTPPODPNF
UPBIFBEUISPVHIUIFJOTUBOUBOFPVTGPSNBUJPO
PG B IPUTQPU WPMDBOP ‡ CMBTUJOH UISPVHI UIF
TVSGBDFBOESBJOJOHNBHNBBOEBTIPWFSNVDI
PG)BSSJT$PVOUZJODMVEJOH4ZTUFNGBDJMJUJFT u
)F DPOUJOVFE i8IJMF PVS HFPMPHZ EFQBSU
NFOUTEPOUIBWFUIFSFTFBSDIGVOETUPWFSJGZ
NZIVODI*NTUJMMOPUHPJOHUPUBLFNZDIBOD
FT 5SVTU NF ‡ XF XJMM OFFE UIBU FNFSHFODZ
GVOEUPIFMQSFCVJMEu
*OBEEJUJPOUPTFSWJOHBTCBDLVQGPSDBUBDMZT
NJD FNFSHFODJFT UIF GVOE XJMM BMTP UBLF DBSF
PGTNBMMFSiVOGPSFTFFOOFFETuFODPVOUFSFECZ
BOZPGUIFOJOFVOJWFSTJUJFTJOUIF4ZTUFN
5FSFTB4VMMJWBOBOPUIFS654ZTUFNPēDJBM
FYQMBJOFE JO NPSF TQFDJêD UFSNT XIBU UIPTF
OFFETDPVMECFi0IZLOPXUIJTBOEUIBUu
"TLFEXIJDIBSFBTPGVOJWFSTJUZBENJOJTUSB
UJPOSFRVJSFEiUIJTBOEUIBUu4VMMJWBOSFQMJFE
i)FSFBOEUIFSFu
%FTQJUF 4VMMJWBOT TUSBJHIUGPSXBSE TUBUF
NFOUT UIF 4ZTUFN IBT SBJTFE DSJUJDJTN GSPN
TUBUF SFQSFTFOUBUJWFT BOE TUVEFOU XBUDIEPH
HSPVQT%BWJE'PSCJTHPWFSONFOUTFOJPSBOE
NFNCFS PG 65 (B[F UIJOLT UIF FNFSHFODZ
GVOEJTBQMPZUPLFFQUIFQVCMJDGSPNHSBTQ
JOHIPXUIF#PBSEPG3FHFOUTJTNJTIBOEMJOH
TUBUFGVOET
i*UT KVTU UIF MBUFTU CMVOEFS JO B MPOH IJTUPSZ
PG654ZTUFNCMVOEFSTu'PSCJTTBJEi*CFUUIFZ
QMBO PO TQFOEJOH NPTU PG UIF NPOFZ ESBѫ
JOH SFTPMVUJPOT PO IPX UIFZ TIPVME TQFOE UIF
NPOFZu
8IFO GBDFE XJUI UIF BDDVTBUJPO 4VMMJWBO
BQQFBSFEUPKPUUIFJEFBEPXOPOBOPUFCPPL
:VEPG PO UIF PUIFS IBOE NFSFMZ SFQMJFE
i7BHVF UISFBUT DBMM GPS WBHVF NFBTVSFTu )F
SFGVTFEUPDMBSJGZIJTDPNNFOUT
$0803,&3
i8FHFUQBJEUPXJUOFTTUIFQBTTBHFPGUJNFu
"NCJUJPVTDPXPSLFSBASFBMUZQF"IPMF
(PHFUUFSBEWJTFEUPAHPHFUBMJGF
$IBOJDF+BO
"440$*"5&&%*503
-",&048&(003‡"ѫFSTJYNPOUITPG
FYIJCJUJOH PWFSUMZ DPNQFUJUJWF CFIBWJPS TVDI
BTTUBQMJOHQBQFSTXJUIFYDFTTJWFGPSDFBOEOPU
IPMEJOH FMFWBUPST BNCJUJPVT TPѫXBSF TBMFT
NBO+POBUIBO)BSEJOHIBTCFFOSFDPHOJ[FECZ
IJTDPXPSLFSTBTBiSFBMUZQF"IPMFu
5ZQF"JTBQFSTPOBMJUZDMBTTJêDBUJPOBUUSJC
VUFEUPIJHIMZESJWFOQFPQMF*UJTDIBSBDUFSJ[FE
CZJNQBUJFODFNVMUJUBTLJOHBOEUIFUFOEFODZ
UP iQVU FWFSZPOFT CBMMT JO B CMFOEFS BCPVU
XIFOUIFTQSFBETIFFUTXJMMCFEPOFuBDDPSEJOH
UPDPMMFBHVF/FJM%SVNNPOE
%SVNNPOE XBT BNPOH UIF êSTU UP OPUJDF
)BSEJOHT UBMFOUT GPS UJNF NBOBHFNFOU BOE
iCFJOH BO BMMBSPVOE UPPMu PCTFSWJOH UIBU
)BSEJOHT QSPQFOTJUZ UP WPMVOUFFS GPS FYUSB
XPSL QSPKFDUT BOE UP NPVUICSFBUIF PO DBG
FUFSJBGPPEBSFJOEJDBUJWFPGIJTiUZQF"IPMFu
QFSTPOBMJUZ
i)BSEJOHBOE*TUBSUFEXJUIUIFDPNQBOZBU
UIFTBNFUJNF)FTCFFOHSBEF"IPMFNBUFSJBM
GSPN EBZ POF BMXBZT TIBLJOH QFPQMFT IBOET
UPP IBSE BOE NVNCMJOH FNQMPZFF DPOEVDU
DPEFCZMBXTUPIJNTFMGuTBJE%SVNNPOE
#FDBVTFPGCFIBWJPSTMJLFQFSGFDUJPOJTNBOE
iJNQBUJFOUMZUBQQJOHIJTGPPUXIFOZPVSFKVTU
USZJOH UP NBLF TPNF HPEEBNO QIPUPDPQJFTu
UZQF "IPMFT MJLF )BSEJOH PѫFO êOE TVDDFTT
RVJDLMZJOUIFJSDBSFFST
i-BTU NPOUI IF XBT SBOLFE /P TBMFT
NBO JO UIF EJWJTJPOu %SVNNPOE SFNBSLFE
i8IJDIJTGVOOZCFDBVTFIFTCFFO/P40#
WHATCHA LOOKING DOWN HERE FOR?
GPSTPNFUJNFOPXu
.BOZTBZUZQF"QFSTPOBMJUJFTBSFLOPXOUP
FYQFSJFODFFYUSFNFTUSFTTBOEJHOPSFBOZUIJOH
VOSFMBUFE UP XPSL ѮJT DBO BĒFDU UIF QFPQMF
NPSF MJLF
DP+&3,FS
XIPTQFOEUJNFBSPVOEUIFN
3VTT$PMMJFSBOPUIFSDPXPSLFSPG)BSEJOHT
SFNBSLFE i* UIJOL +POBUIBO UBLFT IJT XPSL
UPP TFSJPVTMZ 0OF UJNF * UPME IJN B KPLF
5IFQBJOPGDBSQBMUVOOFMTZOESPNFJTBOFGGFDUJWFEJTUSBDUJPOGSPNUIFQBJOPGMJGF
BCPVU +FOOJGFS -PWF )FXJUUT CPPCT BOE IF
KVTU MPPLFE BU NF MJLF IF EJEOU LOPX XIBU *
XBTUBMLJOHBCPVU8IBUBTBEIVNPSMFTTHVZ
1FPQMF MJLF IJN NBLF UIF XPSL FOWJSPONFOU
SFBMMZVODPNGPSUBCMFZPVLOPX u
$PXPSLFST IBWF BMTP OPUFE UIBU )BSEJOHT
FYDFQUJPOBMBCJMJUJFTUPDSFBUFFYUSBDPMPSGVMQJF
DIBSUTBOEiLJTTNBOBHFNFOUTBTTuIBWFNBEF
IJN B QSJNF DBOEJEBUF GPS QSPNPUJPO BOE iB
HJBOULJDLJOUIFGBDFu
i0I )BSEJOHT HSFBUu DPNNFOUFE EFQBSU
NFOUNBOBHFS(MFOO#BVNIBSUi)JTOFSWPVT
UXJUDIDBOCFBMJUUMFEJTUSBDUJOHCVUUIBUNBO
TFMMTTPѫXBSFMJLFBNPUIFSCPBSEu
#BVNIBSU DIVDLMFE BU IJT QVO CFGPSF BEE
JOH i)BSEJOHT EFêOJUFMZ CFDPNF NZ HPUP
HVZu
i(PUPIFMM HVZ NBZCFu NVUUFSFE %SVN
NPOEBTIFXBMLFEQBTU#BVNIBSUTPēDF
%FTQJUF UIF IJHI BDIJFWFNFOUT UIBU UZQF"
QFSTPOBMJUJFT PѫFO FYQFSJFODF UZQF"T DBO
BMTP CF QSPOF UP EJTPSEFST MJLF IFBSU EJTFBTF
BOETPDJBMJODPNQFUFODF
i"U B UFBNCVJMEJOH DBNQ MBTU TVNNFS
)BSEJOH HPU SFBMMZ DPNQFUJUJWF BCPVU CFBUJOH
UIFNBSLFUJOHUFBNuSFDBMMFE%SVNNPOEi*U
HPU FTQFDJBMMZ PVUPGIBOE EVSJOH UIF IVNBO
LOPU FYFSDJTF XIFO IF EJTMPDBUFE BO JOUFSOT
TIPVMEFSѮFQPPSHVZXBTTDSFBNJOHJOQBJO
*UNBEF+FĒUIFTZOFSHZDPBDIDSZu
8IFOBTLFEUPDPNNFOUPOIJTDPXPSLFST
SFNBSLT )BSEJOH GSPXOFE BU UIF ëPPS BOE
TQVUUFSFEi(PUOPUJNF5JNFJTNPOFZuCF
GPSFLOPDLJOHPWFSBTFDSFUBSZBOEBNBJMDBSU
UPHSBCBOJODPNJOHGBY
NEWS • 3
4 • NEWS
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
EJSUZCSJFGT 8IJUF)PVTFDVUTDPNQMJNFOUBSZQFOT .PNRVBMJGJFTGPS(JSM4DPVUTQSJ[F
4FMMTFOPVHIDPPLJFTUPBUUFOEIPSTFDBNQ
EPOFEJSUDIFBQ
$POEPMFF[[B3JDFEFTUSPZT
mGUIIBOEHSJQQFSUIJTZFBS
8"4)*/(50/ %$ ‡ 4FDSFUBSZ PG
4UBUF $POEPMFF[[B 3JDF DVU TIPSU BO
FBSMZNPSOJOH XPSLPVU 8FEOFTEBZ XIFO
TIF DPNQMFUFMZ DSVTIFE BO FYFSDJTF IBOE
HSJQQFS ‡ IFS êѫI TP GBS TJODF +BOVBSZ
TBJE BO BOPOZNPVT 8IJUF )PVTF TPVSDF
ѮFHSJQQFSBTRVFF[BCMFIBOEIFMEEFWJDF
UIBU TUSFOHUIFOT XSJTUT BOE GPSFBSNT XBT
SFEVDFE UP iUXJTUFE TDSBQ NFUBMu CZ 3JDFT
JSPODMBE HSJQ i4IFT BMXBZT TRVFF[JOH UIBU
UIJOHEVSJOH$BCJOFUNFFUJOHTIVēOHBOE
HSVOUJOHBOEMPTJOHIFSCSFBUIuUIFTPVSDF
TBJEi*UHFUTEJTUSBDUJOHXIFOUIFQSFTJEFOU
DBOU IFBS IJT JOTUSVDUJPOT PWFS UIF SIZUI
NJDNFUBMMJDTPVOEuѮFTPVSDFUIFOBEE
FE iѮF IBOEHSJQQFS DBO CF QSFUUZ MPVE
UPPu ѮF EFWJDF XJUITUPPE 3JDFT WJDFMJLF
DMBTQPOMZTMJHIUMZCFUUFSUIBOEJE$BOBEJBO
BNCBTTBEPS'SBOL.D,FOOBTIBOEXIJDI
MJRVFêFEMBTU.BZ
1SPGFTTPSNBLFTTFMG
EFQSFDBUJOHKPLFBCPVUPXOBHF
$".164‡5PUIFPCMJHBUPSZBNVTFNFOU
PGIJTTUVEFOUTZFBSPMEIJTUPSZQSPGFT
TPS +FSFNZ #SBOTPO NBEF B TFMGFĒBDJOH
KPLF BCPVU IJT PXO BHF EVSJOH B 5VFTEBZ
TFNJOBS ѮF RVJQ DBNF BU B USBOTJUJPOBM
QPJOU JO B EJTDVTTJPO BCPVU QPTUT
GFNJOJTNi#BDLXIFO*XBTJODPMMFHFPOMZ
UFOZFBSTBHPwu#SBOTPOTBJEUPMJHIUNBO
EBUPSZ MBVHIUFS 8IJMF NPTU PG UIF DMBTT
RVJDLMZ NPWFE QBTU UIF UPLFO POFMJOFS
UIFDPNNFOUTUVDLJOUIFNJOEPGBUMFBTU
POFJNQSFTTJPOBCMFTUVEFOUiѮBUXBTCPUI
IJMBSJPVTBOEOPWFMuTBJE8JMM3PESJHVF[B
TUVEFOUJO#SBOTPOTDMBTTi1SPGFTTPS#SBO
TPOSFBMMZBQQFBMTUPNZDVMUVSBMEJTEBJOGPS
UIFBHFEu
&QJTPEFPGA4FWFOUI)FBWFO
UPEFBMXJUIUFFODBOOJCBMJTN
)0--:800%‡ѮF8#XJMMBJSBTQF
DJBMFQJTPEFPG4FWFOUI)FBWFOOFYUXFFL
JOXIJDIUIFTIPXTNBJODIBSBDUFSTSFBMJ[F
UIBUPOFPGUIFJSPXOIBTTVDDVNCFEUPUIF
UFNQUBUJPOTPGUFFOBHFDBOOJCBMJTN4JNPO
%BWJE(BMMBHIFS
UIFZFBSPMENJEEMF
DIJMEJOUIF$BNEFOIPVTFIPMEXJMMUFBS
GVMMZ DPOGFTT IJT BEEJDUJPO UP IVNBO ëFTI
BѫFS IJT SFWFSFOE GBUIFS êOET TFWFSBM êO
HFSOBJMTJO4JNPOTUPJMFUѮFTIPXXIJDI
IBT XPO BXBSET GPS IBOEMJOH TPDJBM JTTVFT
TVDI BT WBOEBMJTN ESVH VTF BOE UFFO
QSFHOBODZ IBT BMSFBEZ SFDFJWFE QSBJTF GPS
UBDLMJOHUIJTOFXUPQJDXIJDIBDDPSEJOHUP
57'PS$ISJTUJBOTDPNIBTiHPOFOFHMFDUFE
CZ UIF MJCFSBM UFMFWJTJPO NFEJB GPS GBS UPP
MPOHu'BOTPGUIFTIPXIPXFWFSBSFNPSF
DPODFSOFE XJUI 4JNPOT NPUJWBUJPOT GPS
CFDPNJOHBDBOOJCBMBTTVNJOHJUUPCFUIF
OFYUMPHJDBMTUFQJOIJTNPSBMEFDMJOFBѫFS
HVJMU PWFS B DBS XSFDL DPNQFMMFE IJN UP
IBWFQSFNBSJUBMTFYMBTUXFFL
4 • NEWS
A"MPUPGUIJOHTIBEUPHPFYQMBJOT#VTIPGOFXCVEHFU
,BUISZO&EXBSET
"440$*"5&&%*503
8"4)*/(50/ %$ ‡ ѮF CVEHFU GPS UIF
êTDBM ZFBS QSPQPTFE CZ 1SFTJEFOU #VTI
PVUMJOFT B CJMMJPO EFDSFBTF JO TPDJBM QSP
HSBNT JODMVEJOH NPOFZ GPS FEVDBUJPO BOE
IFBMUI DBSF BOE UIF DPNQMFUF FMJNJOBUJPO PG
DPNQMJNFOUBSZ8IJUF)PVTFQFOTTBZT1SFTT
4FDSFUBSZ4DPUU.D-FMMBO
iѮJT JT B UJNF XIFO XF IBWF UP CF êT
DBMMZ TNBSU BOE êOBODJBMMZ TPVOEu FYQMBJOFE
.D-FMMBO i6OOFDFTTBSZ TQFOEJOH XFBLFOT
PVS HPWFSONFOU ѮF QSFTJEFOU JT OPU TBZ
JOH UIBU UIFSF JT BOZUIJOH XSPOH XJUI UIFTF
QSPHSBNT FTQFDJBMMZ UIF QFOT ‡ XF BMM MPWF
UIFN * TIPVME LOPX * IBWF êWF JO NZ EFTL
ESBXFS SJHIU OPX #VU UIJT JT B UJNF UP NBLF
TBDSJêDFTu
%FNPDSBUTPOUIF)JMMIPXFWFSXBTUFEOP
UJNFJONBLJOHUIFJSPCKFDUJPOTUPUIFCVEHFU
DVUT LOPXO 4FO 3PCFSU #ZSE %8 7B UIF
3BOLJOH .FNCFS PO UIF 4FOBUF "QQSPQSJB
UJPOT$PNNJUUFFQSPNJTFEUPêHIUUIFFMJNJ
OBUJPOXIFOUIFCVEHFUHFUTUPDPNNJUUFF
i*UIPVHIUUIJTBENJOJTUSBUJPODPVMEOUTJOL
BOZMPXFSuDPNNFOUFE#ZSEi#VUPODFBHBJO
* BN TVSQSJTFE .FEJDBSF FEVDBUJPO DPNQMJ
NFOUBSZ QFOT ‡ UIFTF BSF UIJOHT UIBU BĒFDU
FWFSZEBZ QFPQMF ѮF GBDU UIBU UIF QSFTJEFOU
DBOCFTPEJTNJTTJWFBCPVUJUTIPXTIPXMJUUMF
IFDBSFTBCPVUUIFQFPQMFTOFFETu
/BUJPOXJEF OFXT PG UIF CVEHFU DVUT IBT
FMJDJUFEBWBSJFUZPGSFTQPOTFTGSPNDPOGVTFE
UPVQTFU5BZMPS8FMMTBO*MMJOPJTXFCEFTJHOFS
XBTTVSQSJTFEUPêOEUIFEFDSFBTFJOTQFOEJOH
IBECFDPNFTPFYUFOTJWF
i.FEJDBSFBOEFEVDBUJPODVUT*VOEFSTUBOE
CFDBVTFJUTFFNTMJLFUIPTFUIJOHTPOMZFYJTUUP
IBWFNPOFZDVUGSPNUIFN#VUQFOT 8FDBOU
BĒPSE QFOT u BTLFE 8FMMT
i* TXFBS TPNFPOF UPME NF
XF XFSF UIF XFBMUIJFTU OB
UJPOJOUIFXPSMEJOIJTUPSZ
FWFO CVU BQQBSFOUMZ XFSF
TPIBSEVQXFDBOUFWFOBG
GPSEUIJOHTUPXSJUFXJUIu
8FMMT MBVHIFE UP IJNTFMG
CFGPSFDPOUJOVJOH
iѮBUT QSPCBCMZ CFDBVTF
#VTI JT TP TUVQJE UIBU IF
DBOUXSJUF%PZPVIFBSIPX
IFUBMLTBOENFTTFTVQ )FT
KVTU UIJT CJH EVNC CBMM PG
EVNCUIBUTEVNCu
.BSZ 4XFBSJOHFO B
SFUJSFE (FPSHJBO TDIPPM
UFBDIFS XIP WJTJUFE UIF 8IJUF )PVTF TFWFSBM
ZFBSTBHPSFDBMMFEXJUIGPOEOFTTUIFQFOTTIF
SFDFJWFE
i*UT CFFO IBSE BSPVOE IFSFu TBJE 4XFBSJO
HFO i&WFS TJODF *WF HPUUFO MFTT NPOFZ GSPN
.FEJDBSF BOE 4PDJBM 4FDVSJUZ *WF IBE UP
DIPPTF XIJDI NFEJDJOF UP UBLF BOE NPWF UP
BTNBMMFSBQBSUNFOU#VUOPXUIFTFDVUTIBWF
UBLFOXIBUMJUUMFKPZ*IBEGSPNMJGF/PUUIBU*
IBWFUIFNPOFZUPHPCBDLUP%$CVUOPX*
LOPXUIFSFTOPQPJOUJOFWFOUSZJOHUPHPu
4XFBSJOHFO TJHIFE IFBW
JMZ CFGPSF BEEJOH i* HVFTT
UIF CFTU XBZ UP FYQMBJO NZ
UIPVHIUT XPVME CF UP TBZ *
BMXBZTêHVSFEUIBU*XPVME
EJF QPPS BOE BMPOF ѮJT
JT MJLF LOPXJOH *MM CF VO
IBQQZUPPu
ѮF 64 /BUJPOBM "S
DIJWFTBOE3FDPSET"ENJO
JTUSBUJPORVJDLMZBOOPVODFE
UIBU JU IBT BMSFBEZ CFHVO
DPOTUSVDUJPO PO EJTQMBZT
GPS BO FYIJCJUJPO DFOUFSFE
PO UIF OPXSBSF QFOT ѮF
FYIJCJUJTTDIFEVMFEUPPQFO
JO4VNNFSPG
i#FDPPMNZCBCJFTu
A5JNFPG:PVS-JGFQMBZFEBUGVOFSBM
'SJFOETGBNJMZEFFQMZNPWFECZJOBQQSPQSJBUFOFTT
i* KVTU UIJOL JUT TVDI B NPWJOH TPOHu TBJE
-BVSB4DIVMNBO
.D'BVM
XIP IBT CFFO B CJH GBO PG UIF TPOH
"%.*/*453"5*7&"44*45"/5
TJODFJUXBTSFMFBTFEBTBTJOHMFJOi*USF
"645*/ ‡ 5XFOUZZFBSPME +BNFT .D'BVM BMMZNBLFTFWFSZPOFUBLFBTUFQCBDLBOEGPDVT
QMBZFE(SFFO%BZTi(PPE3JEEBODF5JNFPG POBMMUIFCFBVUJGVMFYQFSJFODFTUIFZWFIBEu
)F BEEFE i&TQFDJBMMZ JG JU BDDPNQBOJFT B
:PVS-JGF
uBUIJTHSBOENPUIFSTGVOFSBMѮVST
EBZJOBQFSGPSNBODFUIBUGSJFOETBOEGBNJMZ NPOUBHFu
ѮF UISFFNJOVUF CBMMBE B TUBOEBSE BU
DBMMFEiDMJDIÊCVUUSJUFu
HSBEVBUJPO DFS
FNPOJFT NJEEMF
TDIPPM EBODFT BOE
MBTU EBZT PG TVN
NFS DBNQ TJODF
JUT SFMFBTF
IBT CFDPNF B SF
DVSSJOH NBSLFS JO
.D'BVMTMJGF
i)F QMBZT JU GPS
FWFSZUIJOHu TBJE
-BVSJF .D'BVM
+BNFT
NPUIFS
i8IFO IJT TJTUFST
DMBTT QJDLFE UIBU
7JUBNJO$TPOHBT
UIFJS BOUIFN IF
KVTU DPVMEOU IBO
EMF JU )F CSPVHIU
B CPPN CPY BOE
NPSF
QMBZFE IJT TPOH
F
L
MJ
PVUPGQSPUFTUu
*U DBNF BT OP
TVSQSJTFUIFOUIBU
8IZUIFHSBWFGBDF
.D'BVM
XPVME
5*.&0'
:063-*'&
5JNFPGZPVS
%&"5)
QFSGPSN JU MJWF BU IJT HSBOENPUIFS +FBOT GV
OFSBM%VSJOHIJTTFOUJNFOUBMSFOEJUJPONBOZ
GBNJMZNFNCFSTTPCCFEXJUIHSFBUFSJOUFOTJUZ
‡OPUKVTUPVUPGHSJFGUIBUUIFJSHSBOENPUIFS
XBTHPOFTBJEPOFVOOBNFESFMBUJWFCVUPVU
PGHSJFGUIBUUIFJSDPVTJOXBTTUJMMBMJWF
"ѫFSUIFQFSGPSNBODFTFWFSBMGBNJMZNFN
CFSTUPPLUVSOTTUBOEJOHBUUIFQPEJVNUPHJWF
UIFJS SFNFNCSBODFT PG +FBO *O IJT FVMPHZ
.D'BVMNJOFEi(PPE3JEEBODFuGPSJUTMZSJDBM
QPJHOBODZ
i)F LFQU TBZJOH IFS EFBUI XBT ATPNFUIJOH
VOQSFEJDUBCMFu TBJE 3FOF -POHPSJB .D'BVMT
DPVTJO i8IJDI JT PEE DPOTJEFSJOH TIF IBE
CFFOPOMJGFTVQQPSUGPSUISFFNPOUITBOEUIF
EFDJTJPOUPQVMMUIFQMVHIBECFFONBEFBXFFL
CFGPSFu
.D'BVMJOUFOETUPLFFQUIFTPOHDFOUSBMUP
IJTMJGFQPJOUJOHFTQFDJBMMZUPJUTSPMFJOJOTQJS
JOHIJNUPCFPSJHJOBMJOIJTVTFPGMBOHVBHF
i&WFSZUJNFUIFSFTBUVSOJOHQPJOUBUBGPSL
JO UIF SPBE UIBU UBLFT QMBDF BU B OFX DIBQUFS
JO UIF SPBE PG MJGF *MM CF QMBZJOH UIBU TPOHu
.D'BVM TBJE 4QFDJêDBMMZ IF DJUFE UIF MPTT PG
IJT WJSHJOJUZ IJT êSTU BQBSUNFOU NPWFPVU
IJTXFEEJOHBOZTVCTFRVFOUEJWPSDFTBOEPG
DPVSTFIJTDPMMFHFHSBEVBUJPO
iѮF DPPMFTU XJMM CF JG UIFZ QMBZ JU XIJMF
*N XBMLJOH BDSPTT UIF TUBHF XJUI B QIPUP
TMJEF TIPX PG NZ DSB[Z DPMMFHF EBZT QMBZJOH
POBQSPKFDUJPOTDSFFOu.D'BVMTBJEi*GUIBU
IBQQFOFEXFMMwMFUTKVTUTBZJUXPVMECFUIF
AUJNFPGNZMJGFu
www.texastravesty.com
,SJTUJO)JMMFSZ
."/"(*/(&%*503
)"35'03% $5 ‡ ѮJSUZFJHIUZFBSPME
NPUIFS #FUTZ 8JMMJOHTXPSUI TPME IFS UI
CPY PG (JSM 4DPVU DPPLJFT FBSMZ UIJT XFFL
RVBMJGZJOHIFSGPSUIF4DPVUTUPQQSJ[FBGSFF
XFFLBU8JMEFSOFTT#SPPL)PSTF$BNQ
i.Z IBSE XPSL SFBMMZ QBJE PĒu FYQMBJOFE
8JMMJOHTXPSUI i$BNQ JT KVTU HPJOH UP CF TP
OFBUu
8JMMJOHTXPSUI TQFOU FWFOJOHT BѫFS XPSL
TFMMJOH DPPLJFT JO GSPOU PG B MPDBM 8BM.BSU
MBTUNPOUI)FSEBVHIUFS+BOFZ‡XIPBDUV
BMMZJTB(JSM4DPVU‡QSPWJEFEBOJOTJHOJêDBOU
BNPVOUPGIFMQ
i+BOFZT KPC XBT UP TUBOE BU UIF EPPS BOE
OPODIBMBOUMZBTLQFPQMFJGUIFZXBOUFEUPCVZ
TPNF (JSM 4DPVU DPPLJFT BT UIFZ XBMLFE PVUu
TUBUFE8JMMJOHTXPSUIi*EJEOUXBOUIFSHFUUJOH
JOUIFXBZPGTFUUJOHVQUIFUBCMFLFFQJOHUSBDL
PGIPXNBOZCPYFTXFSFTPMENBLJOHDIBOHF
BOEQVUUJOHFWFSZUIJOHBXBZBUOJHIUTP*UPPL
DBSFPGBMMUIBU*UFOEFEVQCFJOHBSFDJQFGPS
TVDDFTTu
*O PSEFS UP NBYJNJ[F TBMFT 8JMMJOHTXPSUI
BMTP TPME DPPLJFT EPPSUPEPPS XIJMF +BOFZ
XBTBUTDIPPM
i:PVIBWFUPLOPXUIFCJHTFMMJOHQPJOUTJO
PSEFSUPXJOUIFUSJQUPIPSTFDBNQuFYQMBJOFE
8JMMJOHTXPSUIi*UPMEUIFOFJHICPSTUIBU+BOFZ
XBTIBWJOHUSPVCMFTFMMJOHBTNVDIBTUIFPUIFS
LJET BOE UIFZ GFMU TP CBE UIBU UIFZ IBE OP
DIPJDFCVUUPCVZTPNFu
8JMMJOHTXPSUIDPOUJOVFEi*UBMTPIFMQFEUP
UFMMUIFNTPNFUIJOHTQFDJêDBCPVUUIFDPPLJFT
MJLFUIF$BSBNFMEF-JUFTGPSFYBNQMF*XPVME
KVTUESPQAEFMJDBUFWBOJMMBDPPLJFTESFODIFEJO
DBSBNFM BOE TQSJOLMFE XJUI UPBTUFE DPDPOVU
UIBU SFBMMZ IJU UIF TQPU XIFO XBTIFE EPXO
XJUIBHMBTTPGNJML‡BOEUIBUNZEBVHIUFS
QPTTJCMZ GBDFE GBJMVSF
UIBU XPVME SPC IFS PG
BMMEJHOJUZBOEUIFDPO
êEFODF UP CF B TUSPOH
JOEFQFOEFOU XPNBO JO
BNBOTXPSMEu
8JMMJOHTXPSUI TBJE
UIBU TFMMJOH (JSM 4DPVU
DPPLJFT IFMQFE IFS
MFBSO BCPVU DBTI IBO
EMJOH TFUUJOH HPBMT BOE
QFSTPOBM SFTQPOTJCJM
JUZ‡TLJMMTUIBUXJMMOP
EPVCUIFMQIFSXJUIGV
UVSFCVTJOFTTFOEFBWPST
NPSF
i0ODF * HFU CBDL
MJLF
GSPN IPSTF DBNQ *N
HPJOHUPTUBSUQSFQBSJOH
GPS CBTFCBMM TFBTPOu
BEEFE 8JMMJOHTXPSUI
i.Z TPOT QPQDPSO
UJOT BSFOU HPJOH UP TFMM
8BM.BSUTZTUFNBUJDBMMZJOUJNJEBUFTVOJPOPSHBOJ[FSTCZQVOJTIJOHEJTTFOU
UIFNTFMWFTu
8"-ʰ."35
8BM'"35
4JOHMFTGJOEDMPTFFTUJNBUJPOUPMPWF
0OMJOFEBUJOHUIJTHFOFSBUJPOTEJNMZMJUCBS
4UFQIBOJF#BUFT
45"''83*5&3
5FDI
#FBU
4"/5" '& /. ‡ *O JODSFBTJOH
OVNCFSTMPWFMPSOTJOHMFTBSFUVSO
JOHUPUIFJOUFSOFUUPêOEUIBUPOF
QFSTPOXIPDPNFTDMPTFTUUPCFJOH
SFNPUFMZOFBSUIFCBMMQBSLPGQFPQMFXIPNJHIU
QPUFOUJBMMZ CF DPOHSVFOU UP TPNFPOF XIP SF
TFNCMFTUIFJSJEFBMNBUF
%FOJTF ,SZFS XIP GPVOE êBODÊF .BSWJO
1BSJTI UISPVHI BO POMJOF EBUJOH TFSWJDF TBJE
TIF CFOFêUFE GSPN IBWJOH UIFJS êSTU JOUFSBD
UJPOTPOMJOF
i*UXBTHSFBUUPêOEPVUIJTQIZTJDBMQSFGFS
FODFTGPSBXPNBOCFGPSF*BDUVBMMZNFUIJNu
TIF TBJE i* IBE QMFOUZ PG UJNF UP EZF NZ IBJS
CMPOE .BSWJOT GBWPSJUF IBJS DPMPS BOE PSEFS
TPNF HSFFO DPOUBDUT CFGPSF IF FWFS TBX NZ
OBUVSBMQIZTJDBMGFBUVSFTu
1BSJTICFMJFWFTPOMJOFEBUJOHPĒFSTDVTUPNFST
BDIBODFUPêOEUIFJSQFSGFDUNBUDIFT
i* NFBO NZ êSTU UIPVHIU XBT IPX FFSJF JU
XBTUIBUTIFMPPLFEKVTUMJLFNZJEFBMXPNBOu
1BSJTI TBJE PG UIF êSTU UJNF IF TBX ,SZFS i*
LOFXUIFOUIBUXFXFSFNFBOUUPCFu
1BSJTI BMTP UIJOLT UIF TZTUFN IBT DPVOUMFTT
BEWBOUBHFT UIBU UZQJDBM EBUJOH DBOU DPNQFUF
XJUI
i*VTFEUPCMPXCVDLTPONZêSTUUISFF
EBUFTXJUIBHJSM‡UIBUTQFSHJSMuTBJE1BS
JTIi%FOJTFBOE*IBEPVSêSTUêWFEBUFTJODIBU
SPPNT*TBWFEBCVOEMFCZOPUIBWJOHUPHFUUP
LOPX IFS JO QFSTPO *U POMZ DPTU UIF NPOUIMZ
AQSJDFPGMPWFu
$SFBUPS PG F.FBOU5P#F5PHFUIFSFWFSDPN
GONZO JOURNALISM IS DEAD
3PCFSU )FJOFNBOO CFMJFWFT POMJOF EBUJOH JT QFSDFOU DPNQBUJCJMJUZ .Z MBTU IVTCBOE BOE *
NPSF FĒFDUJWF UIBO NPSF USBEJUJPOBM GPSNT PG XFSF POMZ BU * TIPVME IBWF TFFO UIBU EJ
NFFUJOHQFPQMF
WPSDFDPNJOHBNJMFBXBZu
i.FFUJOH QFPQMF PVU JO UIF SFBM XPSME KVTU
ѮF BDDVSBDZ QSPNJTFE CZ UIF RVFTUJPO
EPFTOU XPSL OPXBEBZTu TBJE )FJOFNBOO QFSTPOBMJUZ UFTU UBLFO CZ BMM DVTUPNFST VQPO
i"NFSJDBTEJWPSDFSBUFTBSFVQCFDBVTFUIFPME SFHJTUSBUJPO JT XIBU BUUSBDUT TP NBOZ IPQFGVM
XBZT PG NFFUJOH QPUFOUJBM MJGF QBSUOFST BSFOU TJOHMFTUPUIFTFSWJDF
XPSLJOHu
i&WFSZPOFLOPXTUIBUDPNQVUFSTBSFTNBSUFS
)FJOFNBOOGVSUIFSFYQMBJOFEi*NFBOIPX UIBOQFPQMFu(VFSSBTBJEi*USVTUBDPNQVUFSUP
BSFUXPQFPQMFFYQFDUFEUPCFBCMFUPDBSSZPOB êOENFTPNFPOF*MMMPWFGPSUIFSFTUPGNZMJGF
SFBMDPOWFSTBUJPOXJUIFBDIPUIFSJGUIFZIBWFOU GBSNPSFUIBO*USVTUNZPXOJOTUJODUTu
CFFO QSPQFSMZ TDSFFOFE BOE
NBUDIFE BDDPSEJOH UP QFS
TPOBMJUZBOBMZTFT u
"OOBMFFTF (VFSSB B
UISFFUJNF EJWPSDÊF IBT
CFFO B NFNCFS PG .FBOU
5P#F TJODF TIF êSTU TBX UIF
DPNQBOZTFNBJMJOIFSKVOL
NBJMGPMEFS
i0.( XIBU JG * IBEOU
PQFOFE UIBU FNBJMu TIF
TBJE i0OMJOF EBUJOH IBT
CFFO XBZ NPSF TVDDFTTGVM
GPSNFUIBOEBUJOH*3-u
(VFSSB IBT CFFO EBUJOH
TPMFMZ WJB .FBOU5P#F GPS
NPSFUIBOUXPZFBST
i*UXPSLTTPXFMMUIBU*WF
HPUUFO UISFF IVTCBOET PVU
PGJUBOE*NFOHBHFEUPNZ
GPVSUIu TIF FYQMBJOFE BT
TIF XBWFE IFS FOHBHFNFOU
SJOH i* LOPX UIBU UIJT UJNF
JTUIFSFBMUIJOHUIPVHIPVS
QFSTPOBMJUZUFTUTTIPXFE 8BOOBDZCFS -0-KL
NEWS •
5
'VOFSBMEJSFDUPSABDUJOH
MPPQZBGUFS)VOUFS4
5IPNQTPODSFNBUJPO
"41&/$0‡*TBBD.FSDFSUIFEJSFDUPS
PG &NQZSFBO 'VOFSBM )PNF XBT iBDUJOH
MPPQZu GPS TFWFSBM IPVST BѫFS DSFNBUJOH
UIF CPEZ PG SFOPXOFE KPVSOBMJTU )VOUFS
4 ѮPNQTPO UISFF XFFLT BHP SFQPSUFE B
GVOFSBMIPNFFNQMPZFFi"ѫFS.S.FSDFS
MFѫ UIF DSFNBUPSJVN UIBU EBZ IF DPVMEOU
TFFN UP TUPQ HJHHMJOH * GPVOE UIBU WFSZ
TUSBOHF DPOTJEFSJOH IF XBT TP BOYJPVT
CFGPSFIBOEBCPVUXPSLJOHPOTVDIBIJHI
QSPêMF DMJFOUu TBJE NPSUJDJBO +PTFQIJOF
"MMBJSF8IFOBOFNQMPZFFBTLFEIJNXIBU
XBTGVOOZ.FSDFSNFSFMZBOOPVODFEUIBU
IF IBE NBEF VQ B OFX QBMJOESPNF BѫFS
XIJDI IF SFDJUFE UIF MZSJDT UP UIF .BSZ
5ZMFS .PPSF UIFNF TPOH JO B UFSSJGZJOH
GBMTFUUP ѮF TUBĒ XBT JOJUJBMMZ BMBSNFE BU
.FSDFST RVFTUJPOBCMF CFIBWJPS VOUJM IF
PQFOFEUIFDBQPGѮPNQTPOTVSOHMBSFE
BUUIFNVMUJDPMPSFEBTIFTXJUIJOBOEBTLFE
XPFGVMMZXIFSFUIFi"NFSJDBO%SFBNuIBE
HPOF‡BMMPGXIJDIIBTCFFOBQPTUDSFNB
UJPOSJUVBMPG.FSDFSTGPSZFBST
#VMMZMBVHITTFMGUPTMFFQ
$)".1"*(/ *- ‡ &MFNFOUBSZ TDIPPM
CVMMZ (SFH 4UPDLBSE B GPVSUIHSBEFS XIP
BDUTPVUOPUCFDBVTFPGIJEEFOJOTFDVSJUJFT
CVUCFDBVTFIFJTCJHHFSBOETUSPOHFSUIBO
NBOZPGIJTQFFSTMBVHIFEIJNTFMGUPTMFFQ
XIJMF SFDBMMJOH B IBQQZ NPNFOU GSPN IJT
GBNJMZTEJOOFSUIBUOJHIU4UPDLBSETGBUIFS
BOPOBMDPIPMJDXJUIBTUBCMFKPCIBECFFO
NBLJOHGVOPGBiXJNQZDPXPSLFSuUPIJT
XJGF BOE UXP DIJMESFO XIFO 4UPDLBSET
NPUIFS XIP EPFTOU DSZ TQPOUBOFPVTMZ PS
CFBUIFSDIJMESFOTBJEi8FMMNBZCFZPVE
GFFMEJĒFSFOUMZJGZPVXFSFJOIJTTIPFTuѮF
VOCSPLFO GBNJMZ QPOEFSFE UIJT GPS B NP
NFOU CFGPSF 4UPDLBSET PMEFS TJTUFS B DMBTT
QSFTJEFOU BOE IPNFDPNJOH RVFFO XIP JT
OPU BO FBTZ TMVU TVHHFTUFE UIBU IFS GBUIFS
iKVTUJHOPSF<UIFDPXPSLFS>u
#PZGSJFOETUJMMJOUSPVCMFGPS
7BMFOUJOFT%BZ
&"45"645*/‡"ѫFSOFHMFDUJOHUPCVZ
IJT HJSMGSJFOE ëPXFST PS DIPDPMBUFT "MBO
.JUDIFMMXBTGPSDFEUPXBUDIBêMNBEBQUB
UJPOPG+BOF"VTUFOT4FOTF4FOTJCJMJUZGPS
UIFUIJSEUJNFTJODF7BMFOUJOFT%BZ.JUDI
FMMGFFMTUIBUIFIBTCFFONBLJOHVQGPSIJT
QPPSQFSGPSNBODFXJUIBOFYDFTTPGiDIJDL
ëJDLT TUBZJOH JO BOE UBMLT BCPVU GFFMJOHTu
.JUDIFMMFYQMBJOTi4IFTBJEOPUUPNBLFB
CJHEFBMPVUPG7BMFOUJOFTTP*EJEOU:FBI
UIBU XBT DMFBSMZ B MFTTUIBOTUFMMBS QMBOu
)JTHJSMGSJFOE-JTB7BSHBTIBTSFQPSUFEUP
GSJFOETIPXNVDITIFJTFOKPZJOHIFSDMFWFS
NBOJQVMBUJPOPGBDMVFMFTTCPZGSJFOEi*SF
BMMZEPOUFWFOMJLFEPJOHBMMUIFUIJOHT*WF
CFFOQVUUJOHIJNUISPVHI‡*NKVTUUSZJOH
UP UFBDI IJN B MFTTPOu 7BSHBT MBVHIFE UP
IFSTFMGBOEBEEFEi.BZCFJGIFHPFTXJUI
NF UP NZ HSBOENBT *MM MFU IJN IBWF TFY
TPNFUJNFOFYUGBMMu
NEWS • 5
.BTPDIJTUNJTTFT
#MPDLCVTUFSMBUFGFFT
"645*/‡,FOOFUI3PTFEBMFNBTPDIJTU
BOEMPZBM#MPDLCVTUFSDVTUPNFSIBTNJTTFE
UIF iQBJOGVM QMFBTVSFu PG NPWJF SFOUBM MBUF
GFFT FWFS TJODF #MPDLCVTUFS FMJNJOBUFE UIF
QVOJUJWF NFBTVSF JO %FDFNCFS i*U XBT
XPSTF UIBO UIF UJNF NZ EPDUPST PēDF
TXJUDIFE UP PSBM UIFSNPNFUFSTu 3PTFEBMF
TBJE QPVSJOH MFNPO KVJDF POUP IJT PQFO
QBQFS DVU 1SJPS UP UIJT BOOPVODFNFOU
ZFBSPME 3PTFEBMF DMBJNT UP IBWF iEF
MJHIUGVMMZ BDDVNVMBUFE BOE FBHFSMZ QBJEu
NPSF UIBO JO MBUF DIBSHFT i*MM NJTT
UIF NBJM OPUJDFT UIF NPTUu 3PTFEBMF
SFNJOJTDFE XIJMF TMBNNJOH IJT FZFMJET JO
B XBĔF JSPO iCFDBVTF UIFZ SFNJOEFE NF
*N B EJSUZ QJHCPZ XIP OFFET UP HFU IJT
CBDPO GSJFEu #MPDLCVTUFS FNQMPZFF "MJDJB
8BSE SFNFNCFST EFBMJOH XJUI 3PTFEBMF
i0OF UJNF IF BTLFE NF UP QVNNFM IJN
JO UIF LJEOFZ XJUI B DPQZ PG 4FDSFUBSZ *
EPOU NJTT IJNu 3PTFEBMF QMBOT UP TXJUDI
UP ,MJOHPO 7JEFP XIFSF UIFZ iTUJMM USFBU
UIFJS DVTUPNFST IPX UIFZ EFTFSWF ‡ MJLF
OBVHIUZ CSBJOMFTT TVCIVNBOT XIP DBOU
XBJUUPCFQVOJTIFEu
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
"-$0)0-*$4*/".&3*$"/)*4503:
*$4
"-$0)PS0F -
MJDLT
BMDP#"--
5FOOFTTFF i*IBWFOPEFTJSF
GPSTUSFFUDBST
8JMMJBNT
5IPNBT
1BJOF
i:PVSFUIFJEJPU 4BN"EBNT
XJUIOPDPNNPO
TFOTFw
;FSP(SBWJUZ
#FJOHUIF
TFDPOENBO
UPXBMLPOUIF
NPPOOPUUIF
mSTU
,OJHIUJOH
IJNTFMG
4JS#V[[
-JHIUCFFS
6TJOHIJT
QMBZTUJUVMBS
MJOFFWFSZmWF
TFDPOET
5VSOJOHIJT
NPNTHMBTT
NFOBHFSJF
JOUPBHMBTT
DBUBTUSPQIF
ɥSPXJOHDBUT
POIPUUJO
SPPGT
#FJOHBSPZBM
QBJO
'MZJOHLJUFT
XJUI#FOBKNJO
'SBOLMJO
4FUUJOH
(FPSHF
8BTIJOHUPOT
UFFUIPOmSF
i0ITIVU
VQ-FUTHFU
IBNNFSFEBOE
QBJOUUIFUPXO
DPOGVTJOHw
"CTPMVU
"CTUSBDU
1VODIJOH
TPNFPOFJOUIF
GBDF
4QJMMJOH
%SBXJOHBSFBM
NVMUJQMFESJOLT
TIBQF
BOEFYQMBJOJOH
JUBTBOFXGPSN
PGBSU
.BSJMZO
.POSPF
i0ICFRVJFU
:PVSFTUBSUJOH
UPTPVOEMJLFNZ
FYIVTCBOETw
#VUUFSZ
/JQQMF
4MFFQJOHQJMMT
BSFBHJSMTCFTU
GSJFOE
3PVOEJOHUIF
CBTFTXJUI+PF
%JNBHHJP
."3*-:/
.0/30&
DIFDLPVUUIFTF
HSFBUCPPLUJUMFTGSPN
7
marykate&ashleyolsen
.BSZ,BUF"TIMFZ$POTVMUUIF0SBDMF
PG%FMQIJ"CPVU5IFJS/FYU.PWJF
.BSZ,BUF"TIMFZ
5JDLMF'JHIU"MM/JHIU
4JODF/FX:PSL.JOVUFCPNCFEBUUIFCPYPċDF
PVSHBMTOFFEUPDPNFVQXJUIBXBZUPNBJOUBJO
UIFJS QPTI MJGFTUZMF PG CFBDI QBSUJFT CVCCMF
CBUIT BOE CMPX ɥJOLJOH PO UIFJS NBOJDVSFE
UPFT UIF EZOBNJD EVP DIBSUFS B QSJWBUF KFU UP
(SFFDF UP DPOTVMU UIF 0SBDMF PG %FMQIJ 8JMM
UIF HJSMT TMBVHIUFS BO BEPSBCMF MBNC JO PSEFS
UPBQQFBTF"QPMMP .PSFJNQPSUBOUMZXJMMUIFZ
BDIJFWFUIBU)FMMFOJDDPNQMFYJPO
8IFO "TIMFZ EJWFSHFT GSPN .BSZ ,BUF PO UIF
QSFGFSSFE NFUIPE PG NPVUICSFBUIJOH UIF
5FSSJmD 5XP NVTU TFUUMF UIF TDPSF JO UIF NPTU
TJTUFSMZ XBZ QPTTJCMF UJDLMF mHIU "GUFS B CSJFG
QBVTF UP DBUDI UIFJS CSFBUI UIFZ SFBMJ[F UIBU
UIFZ EPOU SFNFNCFS UIF PSJHJOBM BSHVNFOU
‰TPUIFZSFTVNFUIFUJDLMFGFTUBOZXBZ'JOBMMZ
FYIBVTUFE GSPN BMM UIF GVO UIFZ EFDJEF UP HP
4)011*/(
."3:,
"5&"/%
"4)-&:
+BDLTPO
1PMMPDL
NPSF
MJLF
FEATURES •
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
NPSF
MJLF
.BSZ,BUFBOE
.BSZ,BUF"TIMFZ%JTDPWFS
5IFJS-POH-PTU5SJQMFU
'PSZFBSTUIFHJSMTIBWFCFFORVFFOTPGUIF
0MTFOUISPOF"MMUIJTDIBOHFTXIFOJOUIFNJE
EMF PG QSPPGSFBEJOH UIFJS NPUIFST IJHI TDIPPM
EJBSZUIFZMFBSOUIBUUIFZSFBDUVBMMZUXPUIJSET
PGBUSJQMFUTFU/PXJUTVQUPUIFNUPmOEUIFJS
TJTUFS 4BSBI +BOF 8JMM TIF CF GSJFOE PS GPF "
TJ[F PS "OE ‰ JO BO FOWJSPONFOU XIFSF
TIFIBTOUCFFOVTFECZIFSQBSFOUTUPDSFBUFBO
FOUFSUBJONFOUFNQJSF‰XJMMTIFCFDBQBCMFPG
HFOVJOFUIPVHIUBOEGFFMJOH
53"4)ʴMFZ
.BSZ,BUF"TIMFZ5BLFB4IPU
BU4PMP$BSFFST5PHFUIFS
"GUFSNPWJOHJOUPTFQBSBUFSFTJEFODFTUIFEVP
EFDJEFUPUBLFUIFEJWJTJPOPOFTUFQGVSUIFSBOE
XPSLPOTFQBSBUFQSPKFDUT*UTB)PMMZXPPEUBLF
PWFSEJWJEFBOEDPORVFSTUZMF8JMM"TIMFZDVUB
SFDPSEEFBMFWFOJGJUNFBOTTIFNVTUCBDLTUBC
.BSZ ,BUF 8JMM UIFZ CF BCMF UP JHOPSF FBDI
PUIFSTUFMFQBUIJDQMFBT *OUIFWJDJPVTXPSMEPG
TIPXCVTJOFTTUIFZNBZmOEUIBUUFBNXPSLJT
UIFJSPOMZIPQF
.JTQMBDJOH
IFSNPMF
.BSJMZO
.PO#-08
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
"#3*&')*4503:0'"-$0)0
'JSTUEFTJHOBUFE
IPSTFCBDLSJEFS
#$
'FTUJWBMPG
%JPOZTVT
#$
4QFBLFBTJFT
CFDPNFTQFBLIBSEMJFT
:PVOHDPXCPZ
EJTDPWFSTDIFBQUFRVJMB
BDSPTTUIFCPSEFS
"%
3FOBJTTBODFUSBEJUJPOPG
#FBETGPS#PPCTCFHJOT
JO'MPSFODF
/FWFSGPSHFU
8*5)%
&%
.VETMJEFJDFDSFBN
NBEFBWBJMBCMF
0$
)0
"%
,FOOFEZTQSPmUGSPN
TVTQFOTJPOPGCBTJDDJWJMMJCFSUZ
#VEXFJTFSGSPHT
CSFBLJOUPBDUJOH
$*064
&-*
6 • FEATURES
4PVUIFSO
$PNGPSU
*NmOFUPESJWF
ZPVTDBMBXBHw
$".164 ‡ 'SFTINBO ,BUIFSJOF .D,
OJHIUMZ DSFBUFE VOQSFDFEFOUFE MFWFMT PG
BXLXBSEOFTT JO UIF )POPST %PSN 2VBE
CZTIBSJOHIFSQPFUSZMBTU.POEBZ'SJFOET
XIPMJTUFOFEXFSFiTUVOOFEuCZUIFiTIFFS
VOJOUFMMJHJCJMJUZu PG .D,OJHIUMZT QSPTF
iѮFSF XBT B MVMM JO UIF DPOWFSTBUJPO TP
* BTLFE IFS UP SFBE TPNF PG IFS QPFNT *
IBE OP JEFB IPX NVDI UIFZ XPVME TVDLu
FYQMBJOFESPPNNBUF4V[BOOF+POFT.D,
OJHIUMZTIBSFEA3BCJE.FOTFTBIBJLVBOE
A6OBUUBJOBCMF "VUIPSJUZ 'JHVSF BO PEF UP
+FĒ 3VTTFMM IFS 3" i)FBSJOH UIF TUBO[B
BCPVU ,BU XBOUJOH +FĒ UP CBOH IFS JO UIF
DPNNVOJUZ CBUISPPN XBT TP BXLXBSEu
TBJE#MBLF,JOHTMFZi*UXBTOUSFBMMZFWFOB
QPFN‡JUXBTKVTUBCVODIPGCPSJOHQFS
TPOBMUIPVHIUTUIBUTPNFUJNFTSIZNFEu
-04 "/(&-&4 ‡ "ѫFS NPSF UIBO ZFBSTPGSFGVTJOHUPiUBLFJUu5XJTUFE4JTUFS
GSPOUNBO%FF4OJEFSTUBUFEUIJTXFFLUIBU
IFJTOPXiSFBEZUPUBLFJUui8JUI5XJTUFE
4JTUFSCSFBLJOHVQNPSFUIBOZFBSTBHP
BOE NZ TIJNNFSJOH CMPOEF IBJS UVSOJOH
HSBZ * UIJOL UIF UJNF JT SJQF GPS NF UP
CFHJO UBLJOH JUu BOOPVODFE 4OJEFS EVS
JOHBSFDFOUMZUBQFETFHNFOUPG7)T
(SFBUFTU#BTT4PMPT4OJEFSTCPMETUBUFNFOU
IBTDSFBUFEBTIPDLXBWFJOUIFBHJOHIBJS
NFUBM DPNNVOJUZ i3BUIFS UIBO IBWJOH UP
ASPDLOSPMMBMMOJHIUBOEQBSUZFWFSZEBZ*
XPVMEQSFGFSUPXBUDI$4*SFSVOTBMMOJHIU
BOE QMBZ SBDRVFUCBMM FWFSZ EBZu TBJE ,JTT
MFBE TJOHFS (FOF 4JNNPOT "EEJUJPOBMMZ
%FG -FQQBSET +FĒ &MMJPU QSFGFST UIBU IJT
BENJSFSTOPUiQPVSTPNFTVHBSPO<IJN>u
EVFUPIJT5ZQF**EJBCFUFT
'BWPSJUF )BOHPWFS #FTU,OPXO %SVOLFTU
%SJOL
3FNFEZ
'PS
.PNFOU
#V[[
i)PVTUPO*EPOU .PPOTIJOF
i#V[[FEu IBWFBQSPCMFNw
"MESJO
1PFUBXBJUTBQQMBVTF
5XJTUFE4JTUFSMFBETJOHFS
OPXSFBEZUPAUBLFJU
%FOJBM
-JOFT
N MJLF
*".'*
--
6 • FEATURES
)
www.texastravesty.com
RHYMING WITH MIMES IS A REALLY GOOD TIME
FEATURES • 7
8 • FEATURES
wwwwww
www
:063
T
U
B
I
8 w w ww
w
w
w
ww
w
w
5IF*OTFQFSBCMF$PVQMF
w
4PNFTBZMPWFJTUIFKPJOJOHPGUXPTPVMTJG
TPUIFOJUUSVMZJTBCFBVUJGVMUIJOH#VUXIFO
TVDINFSHJOHDSFBUFTBGPVSMFHHFEUXPIFBE
FEBCPNJOBUJPOUIBUTBQTUIFDIBSNPVUPG
FWFSZDPOWFSTBUJPOBOEQFUTJUTFMG‰IFBWJMZ
‰JOQVCMJDUIFOMPWFUBLFTBIPSSJGJDUVSO
/PUUIBUIBOHJOHPVUXJUIUIJTTZNCJPUJDDPV
QMFJTOUFOUFSUBJOJOH*GPOFTUSBZTGSPNUIF
PUIFSGPSBOZMPOHFSUIBOGJWFNJOVUFTUIFZ
UVSOPOFBDIPUIFSMJLFMBCSBUTESJWFONBECZ
UIFDBHFUIBUJTUIFJSSFMBUJPOTIJQ
w 5IF"TTFSUJWF'FNJOJTU
1VTTZ8IJQQFE#JUDI
q
:PVNBZTDPGGCVUUIJTCSFFEPGCPZGSJFOE
SFBMMZEPFTDBSFBCPVUXPNZOTSJHIUT/P
TFSJPVTMZIFEPFT"OEEPOUHFUIJNTUBSUFE
POUIFSIFUPSJDBMTMBWFSZLOPXOBTHFOEFS
SFMBUFEQSPOPVOT)FFWFOBQQSFDJBUFTUIF
7BHJOB.POPMPHVFTGJOEJOHJUBiCSBWFCSB[FO
EFDMBSBUJPOPGGFNBMFFNQPXFSNFOUw0OB
DPNQMFUFMZVOSFMBUFEOPUFIFBMTPMPWFTUIF
TUFBNZOJHIUTPGBTTTMBQQJOHNBSBUIPOTFY
UIBUIFIBTXJUIIJTGFNJOJTUHJSMGSJFOE
5IFi8F$BO'JUJOUP&BDI w
0UIFST$MPUIFTw$PVQMF
-JWJOHUPHFUIFSXJMMNBLFMJGFTPNVDIFBTJFS
TJODFUIFZMMCFBCMFUPTIBSFPOFDMPTFU-FUT
IPQFGPSUIFCPUIPGUIFNIFOFWFSMFBWFTJU
w
5IFi:FMMFSTw
BLBi(SFFL5SBHFEJBOTw
q
8IBUTMJGFXJUIPVUDPOGMJDU #PSJOHBT
TIJUUIBUTXIBU"XBSFPGUIJTUIF(SFFL
5SBHFEJBOTDSBNUIFJSMJWFTXJUIPVUSBHF
CFUSBZBMTDBOEBMBOEPUIFSXPSETZPVGJOE
POUIFCBDLTPGWJEFPSFOUBMCPYFT5IFTFBSF
QFPQMFXIPNBOBHFUPPGGFOEFBDIPUIFSEVS
JOHNBLFVQTFY'PSUIFNBMMPGFYJTUFODF
JTEJSF&WFSZUIJOHJTJOUFOTF8PSETNVTUCF
JUBMJDJ[FE#FTJEFTJGUIFZXFSFOUTDSFBNJOH
BMMUIFUJNFUIFZNJHIUBDUVBMMZIBWFUPHFU
UPLOPXFBDIPUIFS‰BOEXIPXPVMEXBOU
UIBU
8 • FEATURES
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
SFMBUJPOTIJQ
q q q UZQF
FEATURES •
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
TEXAS TRAVESTY MERCHANDISE! BOYCOTT FRANCE!
:PVS"QBSUNFOUT/FXTMFUUFS
MArch
at
going on
Whats
week?
2 this
PP
C
J
U
C
!
t inside
Find ou
w 5IF1IZTJDBMMZ%JTQSPQPSUJPOBUF
q
$PVQMF,JOH,POH4ZOESPNF
)FTUIFMVNCFSJOHHJBOUXIPUSFBETDBSF
GVMMZBNPOHVTTIFTUIFXFFTQJUGJSFXIP
SFTFOUTCFJOHBTLFEXIFSFIFSNPNNZJT
4PDJFUZNBZIBWFJUTSVEFRVFTUJPOTFHi*T
UIBUIJTMJUUMFTJTUFSPSIJTLJEOBQQJOHWJD
UJN w
CVUUIJTQBJSJOHGJOETDPNGPSUJOUIF
GBDUUIBUXFSFUIFZFWFSUPCFBWFSBHFEUIF
SFTVMUXPVMEFRVBMPOFOPSNBMQFSTPO
5IF$PVQMF8IPTF
$MJRVFT"SFBU8BS
w
"OEZPVUIPVHIU3PNFPBOE+VMJFUIBEQSPC
MFNT5SZCFJOHUIFTUBSGPPUCBMMQMBZFSXJUI
BTFDSFUMPWFGPSUIFQSFTJEFOUPGUIF.BUI
)POPST4PDJFUZ)FIBTQSPCMFNTUBDLMJOHUIJT
EJMFNNBBTTIFUSJFTUPDBMDVMBUFIPXUPNBLF
JUXPSL8JUITPNBOZQBSBCPMFNTIFUIJOLT
BCPVUSVOOJOHCBDLUPUIFIFBEDIFFSMFBEFS
8JMM&VDMJETBSSPXQFOFUSBUFIJTEFGFOTFPSJT
UIJTBOFRVBUJPOGPSEJTBTUFS
w
Pick ’em up at:
TSP Desk
(CMC 3-200)
West Mall
They’re
fucking
sweet!
texastravesty.com/merch
NPSFF
MJL
5
half way
e year is
YES! Th ou
y
over and t that
a
h
w
w
kno
It’s
means… -L-E
time to R new
re
d
n
a
,
A-X
se for
your lea
r!
next yea
an
10
last up to to be heading to your
g
in
in
ts
o
h
g
g
r
li
u
yo
off
ATTS of
tion turn
otic loca it’ll save you W
t–
n
e
apartm
ou, guys
money!
e value y e first to
w
d
n
o
c
And, se nt you to be th
a
ext year,
and we w u’re room here n ossible
p
o
s
y
a
e
n
rv
rese
P as soo
ice ASA ou’re Awesome
ff
o
e
th
y
by
the
so come o worries, before r rent is due, on
n
e
and have ins. And rememb
g
Break be
mind:
for
et ready
As you g ak, here are a
re
B
Spring
p in
gs to kee
few thin
we live
in where
ke pride University
ta
to
ve
s
ha
mon
ion stinks t and keep Com ge Phase II,
efly high
le
ndash situat
an
!" Bri
ys, the tr ally! We just w
erson Col L! This isn’t a la
ff
gu
Je
ey
H
r
IFUL
re –liter
ould
light you
BEAUT
around he you that trash sh or.
!!1
r- to remind
do
fill guys
ide your We all
int of inte
left outs
.
Renepo
NOT, be litterbug, either
wh
. a
be a
est aelreP
rty Don’t
FUUFS
4/00;&M
Hey guys,
co
Club Hou me by the
se this Th
ursday,
for some
tasty cate
re
treats fro
m Shoney d
s. If
you renew
y
you’ll get our lease,
a FREE
$10
gift certif
ic
buy!! Wh ate to Best
at
from you a deal
’re
Common friends at
s Universi
ty
Jefferson
College
Phase II!
Hey guys
, we love
furry
Friends to
but please
sure, to PA
make
WS and re
gi
st
er
you’re pe
Hey guys
ts
, we
fice. Hav at the Ofn
ing a reco
ice it is to know how
rd
of them on
few Sunk throw back a
will keep file here
ist’
both Mr
Barksalot
friends aft s with you’re
an
er a long
dents safe d our resiweek of
.T
school, b
Deposit is he Pet
u
t
on
keep you please try to
per pet an ly $400
rb
d you wil
l
get
turned do oom Boxes
you move back $50 when
wn
out! Mee
eooow!
disturb yo so you don’t
u
q
Hey guys
,a
Pool, last resident scraped
his
w
to remem eek. This is a good elbow by the
ber being
safe when lesson for ya’ll
ing the po
ev
ol
glass cont area. Remember: er we’re enjoyai
no
whenever ners, and WALK D diving, no
O
your at th
e Pool. G N’T RUN
et well so
on, Jer
)FTBEFWPVU.PSNPOXBJUJOHGPSNBSSJBHF
BOETIFTBEFWPVUUSBNQXBJUJOHGPSPSBM
#SPLFOQSPNJTFTCSPLFOIFBSUTCSPLFO
IZNFOT‰TPNFUIJOHTHPUUBHJWF
Everybody
left in Aus knows there will be
tin after M
no apartm
sure you
ar
en
ch
ts
-yi
renew yo
kes! – so
u’re
make
able to ca
ll Common lease in time to
stil
lege Phase
s Univers
ity Jeffer l be
II your H
son
your LAS
ome. By
T CHAN
THURSD ColCE
AY
for next ye
ar! We lo to guarantee the lo is
ve, you re
you too st
sidents an w rate
ay!! !
d want
w
/PUIJOHTDSFBNTMPWFMJLFXIFOPOFQFSTPO
JNQPTFTUIFJSXJMMPOBOPUIFSVTJOHNBOJQV
MBUJPOUPDIBOHFUIFJSNBUFBUUIFJSWFSZ
DPSF.BUUTOPUDPMEBOECPSEFSMJOFBCVTJWF
JOTUFBEIJTEFBUITUBSFCFMJFTIJEEFOQBTTJPO
UIBUJTTVSFUPTVSGBDFBGUFSTPNFPOFTJEFE
DVEEMJOH4V[JFTOPUBOBCSBTJWFCJUDITIF
KVTUOFFETBHFOUMFUPVDIUPFSBTFIFSDVSSFOU
QFSTPOBMJUZBOESFQMBDFJUXJUIBOFXOPO
CJUDIZPOF(SBOUFEXIFOUIJTLJOEPGTUVGG
PDDVSTCFUXFFOTPDJBMHSPVQTJUTDBMMFEDVM
UVSBMHFOPDJEF#VUCFUXFFOUXPQFPQMFJUT
BOPUIFSNBUUFSFOUJSFMZ‰JUTBNPSF
www.texastravesty.com
5&3
/&84-&5
1, Issue
I ONLY EAT COLORFUL CEREAL
2005
can
unburns
iends!
Hey fr don’t forget the sunDscAreYeSn!–Souch! Alseoxif-
Volume
Don’t Dro
wn in Yo
ur Own Ig
norance
-
5IFi)BMG$PNNJUUFE
1SPNJTF3JOHw$PVQMF
5IFi*UIJOL*$BO
$IBOHF:PVw$PVQMF
8
ONLY
$
9
’re neigh
Joke Kor
bors. .
ner
· Did y
o u hear
ab
bowls o
f water? out the cat wh
o
He set
· Did y
a new la drank 5
ou hear
p record
about th
lowed a
.
e cat w
ball of w
ho swalool? Sh
· Why
e
h
a
d
don't ca
mittens
ts
.
Too ma
ny chee play poker in
the jun
ta
h
s
.
gle?
· What
is a cat'
s favou
Blind M
ri
ice.
te song
? Three
·
·
· Good
luck wit
h schoo
·
l and stu
dy, hard
!
·
· You’re
fr
College P iends at Common
s Univers
hase II
ity Je
fferson
FEATURES • 9
10 • SOCK PUPPET THEATRE
SOCK PUPPET THEATRE •
5SBWFTUZ4PDL1VQQFU5IFBUSF
)BJS
CZ+BNFT3BEPBOE(FSPNF3BHOJ
5IF$SVDJCMF
CZ"SUIVS.JMMFS
+VMJVT$BFTBS
CZ8JMMJBN'VDLJOH4IBLFTQFBSF
i8FXFSFDPO
DJFW
QTZDIFEFMJDI FEJOB
B[Fw
UJPOTUPDJWJM
i0VSDPOUSJCVFGPSHPUUFOi
MJCFSUJFTXJMMC
i*NBUFSSJCMF
TBMFTNBOw
i8FSFMJCFSBU
XJUITZNCPMJD JOHUIFBUFS
O
VOTJHIUMZCPEVEJUZBOE
ZIBJSw
CZ+PIO.JDIBFM5FCFMBL
DL
i&UUVZPVGV
w
MF
P
TI
BT
VTw
OGSPOUT
NJUZDP
JBMDBMB
U
O
F
U
JT
i"OFY
UTB
i$IFDLJU*HP GSPN
IZ
QIBUQIJMPTPQPWFi
%B.BOBC
i#FXBSFUIFGV
DL
PG.BSDIBTT JOH*EFT
IPMFw
OP
i*HPUmSFE*N BOw
N
MPOHFSBTBMFT
8BJUJOHGPS(PEPU
CZ4BNVFM#FDLFUU
i:P*XBOOBSB
CPVU$ISJTUJBQBUZPV
OJUZw
TBSTCBDL
i0IGVDL$BFTTIPMFw
B
8IBUBO
i*NCBDLGSPN
w
JQ
US
T
MF
BTB
(PETQFMM
11
i0IX
IBUBOF
Y
JTUFOUJB
MDBMBN
JUZw
JOH
i+VEBT:PVUS
JQQJOw
Hw
QQFOJO
B
I
T
H
UIJO
i4PNF
i5IJTBTTIPMF
GVDLJOHEFBE T
w
GNZ
i5IFDVUUJOHPIPSw
BQ
FU
N
B
JT
S
IBJ
10 • SOCK PUPPET THEATRE
i*8JMMZ-PNBO
B
EFBETBMFTNBO NB
w
PNJFTw
i1FBDFPVUI
i)PXF
Y
JTUFOUJB
MMZDBMB
NJUPVT
w
SOCK PUPPET THEATRE • 11
12 • FEATURES
.
BSUJO
3&410/%450
-
BXSFODF
13&4$3*15*0/%36("%4
3Y
1BYJM
BJOU
SGVDLFS UEP*
F
I
U
P
.
1BYJM FETIJU8IB CPVU B
T
EFQSFT FEFQSFTTFE WJFXT
F
C
S
Q
P
U
F
UI
HPU
VTFFO NJOHPVU P
Z
U
JO
"
DP
PVS
NPWJF
GPSNZ OF &YBDUMZ: JOU
P
"
8IJDI BLJOHNPOFZ SCPZ
V
P
N
Z
T
U
Z
F
CP
OBH
O
P
H
UTIJU
H
B
OPUIJO FQSFTTFEUI FN
N
%
EPXO *NHPOOBSF FUIBU
T
Z
V
O
O
B
O
GV
JT
PO
U*NH FTTFE )FMM
B
I
U
S
F
S
C
FU%FQ
JONZT
OP
3Y
3Y
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
'",&"%7&35*4&.&/5
8IBU
$MBSJUJ
UI
O
BMMDMFB FGVDLUIBU
EP .
SDMFBS
BLFTI
JUBMMV
ZFBIH
JU
JN
Q
NFDMF NFTPNF :FBIIFMM
PGUIB
BSVQ
U)FMQ
NZEB
HPUTP
NO
N
UPHFU BOZ.PUIF QSPCMFNT
NFUP
SGVDLF
ST
E
DMFBSU
IBUTI P#MVF4USF USZJOH
JUVQ.
BL
NJTUBL
JO
P
ZPVTB HNFGPS6 UIFSGVDLFST
SLFM8
Z .B
O
)
6SLFM
$MFBS *BJOUOPH "5
P
UIBUT
IJUVQ EEBNO
9BOBY
*UPPLTPNFPGUIBUTIJUUPEBZ
DBMNFENZEBNOOFSWFT*XBTBMM
BOUTZHFUUJOHBMMBOYJPVT)BEUP
UBLFTPNFPGUIBUTIJUUPMFWFMNF
PVUCSJOHNFEPXOBOPUDI%POU
CFUSJQQJOUIPVHI*KVTUOFFEFE
TPNFUIJOHUPDPPMNFPVU*N
TUJMMUIFNBO%POUGPSHFUZPVS
CPZDPVMETUJMMXIPPQZP9BOBTT
0PPPI8IFSFNZMPWFBU 8IFSF
NZMPWFBU MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
$65&"/*."-1)0504
"EPSBCMFQSPGFTTJPOBMQIPUPTPGZPVSQFUTGPSBMMPDDBTJPOT
/VNCFSPGTUBMMTPODBNQVTXJUIEFDFOUUPJMFUQBQFS
/VNCFSPGCMBNFSFUBSEBOUTVJUTPXOFECZUIF65BENJOJTUSBUJPO
/VNCFSPGEJTQPTBCMFKFUBJSQMBOFTPXOFECZ65
/VNCFSPGMPXJODPNFTUVEFOUTXIPDBOOPMPOHFSBGGPSEUVJUJPOXIJMF
UIF$BQJUPMEVNQTNPSFNPOFZPOTUBOEBSEJ[FEUFTUJOH
12 • FEATURES
%PVCMFTUVGPSFPT
/VEFNBOSVO
8IFOFWFSZPVSFSFBEZ
3Y
"UBHFZPVXJMMTFUUMFGPSUIFGBNF
BOE QJEEMJOH NPOFUBSZ SFUVSOT
QSPWJEFE CZ ZPVS JOGPNFSDJBM
BCPVUCBUITBMUT
4PSSPXUFBST
5POJHIU#FUIFSF
5P UIF XPSME ZPV
NBZ CF KVTU POF
QFSTPO CVU UP UIF BJSMJOFT
ZPVS QPVOE NBTT NBLFT ZPV UXP
QFPQMF8JUIBCBEDSFXDVUNJHIU*BEE
7JBHSB
5SBDIJPUPNZ
"888)&&&&&&&&---/"8
"/FX)PQF3FWFOHFPGUIF4JUI
6QPO XBLJOH GSPN B OBQ BU XPSL ZPVMM
JNNFEJBUFMZXJTIZPVIBEDIPTFOBMJOFPG
XPSLPUIFSUIBOQSPDUPMPHZ
8FSFEBSMJOH
(FP.FUSP
#VCCMFCBUIT$PMETIPXFST
$BMM1FUF
ѮF USVUI JT BMXBZT JO UIF MBTU QMBDF
ZPVMPPLFYDFQUJGZPVSF
CMJOEѮFOZPVSFBMJBS
"$3&4
'&45
Saturday, April 2, 2005
Starting at noon at the Main Mall
&OUFSUPXJOBDIBODFUPIPME+BDLPTVNCSFMMB
0OFMVDLZWJFXFSXJMMSFDFJWFBDIBODFUPIPME.JDIBFM
+BDLTPOTVNCSFMMBBTIFFOUFSTBOEFYJUTUIFDPVSUSPPN
3JEJDVMP
%FOJBM"DDFQUBODF
ѮF CFTU UIJOHT JO MJGF BSF
GSFF JG ZPV UIJOL UIF CFTU
UIJOHT JO MJGF BSF QPJTPOPVT
UBSBOUVMBT ‡ CFDBVTF PG
UIFN KVTU FTDBQFE GSPN UIF QFU TUPSF
EPXOUIFTUSFFU
$POOFDUIFEPUT
#MJOL.BSPPO
'SJFOETBOEGBNJMZMPWFCFJOHBSPVOEZPV
CFDBVTFZPVBSFBDIJMEBUIFBSUCVUUIJT
TFOUJNFOUJTDPNQMJDBUFECZUIFGBDUUIBU
ZPVBSFBMTPBDIJMEBUCMBEEFS
5IF6OJWFSTJUZ$PPQ1SFTFOUT
)0304$01&
4
#VSOJOVSJOF
4DJFOUJTUT XJMM TPPO EJTDPWFS UIBU
ZPV TIBSF NVDI PG UIF DIFNJDBM
NBLFVQ PG B HFOJVT QFSDFOU
QFSTQJSBUJPO
/BSDJTTVT
FYDFQU4VOEBZT
.VDIMJLFPQQPSUVOJUZUIF
%&"XJMMPOMZLOPDLPODF
NPSF
MJLF
4/03&ʴPTDPQ
FT
"%7&35*4&.&/5
5IF-BOEJOH4USJQ
)JSJOH8BJUSFTTFTBOE&OUFSUBJOFST
+"$,0
F
NPLSF
J
M
-:
505"-&
4"/
13
0 G G J D J B M M Z F O E P S T F E CZ U I F " N F S J D B O " T T P D J BU J P O P G 'B M T F 1 SP H O P T U J D BU J P O
:PV TIPVME GFFM HVJMUZ BCPVU UIF
NFMUEPXO JO 4FDUPS /JOF
:PV TIPVME GFFM FWFO XPSTF
BCPVUUIFGBDUUIBUJUEFTUSPZFE
B IPMEJOH SPPN GPS CBCJFT BOE
QVQQJFT
53"7&45:*/%&9
/VNCFSPGGVODUJPOJOHUPJMFUTJO(BSSJTPO)BMMTPNFUJNFT
IPSPTDPQFT
4BNPBT$BSBNFM%FMJUFT
1FSDFOUBHFCZXIJDIUVJUJPOIBTJODSFBTFETJODF
1FSDFOUBHFPGUVJUJPOTQFOULFFQJOHDBNQVT:,DPNQMJBOU
"NPVOUPGGVOETTFUBTJEFGPSFNFSHFODJFTNJMMJPO
/VNCFSPGNPOFZGJHIUTSFHFOUTFOHBHFJOFBDIEBZ
"NPVOUPGMFGUPWFSGVOETJO654ZTUFNNJMMJPO
/VNCFSPGXIJOJOHTUVEFOUTXIPXJMMSFIFBUTPNFPGNPNTMFGUPWFST
BGUFSTIFQBZTUIFUVJUJPOCJMM
1FSDFOUBHFPGTUVEFOUTBU65XIPDFMFCSBUF$ISJTUNBT
/VNCFSPGTUVEFOUTGBNJMJFTXIPIBWFUPFYQMBJOUIBU4BOUBXPOUCF
DPNJOHGPS$ISJTUNBTUIJTZFBSCFDBVTFPGUIFUVJUJPOJODSFBTF
1SJDFPGBTUVEFOUMVODIBUUIF+FTUFSOE'MPPSDBGFUFSJB
"DUVBMDPTUPGMVODIBU+FTUFSOE'MPPSDBGFUFSJB
%PMMBSTPGFDPOPNJDJNQBDU65IBTPOUIFTUBUFPG5FYBTCJMMJPO
%PMMBSTPGFDPOPNJDJNQBDUJUUBLFTUPTFMMPVUUIFTDIPPMIPXFWFS
NVDI.BOPGUIF)PVTFNBEF
FEATURES •
#SJOHJOHUIF
DFMFCSJUJFTUP
ZPV
www.texastravesty.com
'FBUVSJOHPWFSTUVEFOU
PSHBOJ[BUJPOTMJWFNVTJD
CZ3ZBO$BCSFSBNPSF
www.40acresfest.com
REPETETITITIVE IS AN EASY WORLD TO MISPELL
)BWFGVONBLFNPOFZ
/PFYQFSJFODF/FDFTTBSZ
FEATURES • 13
14 • OPINION
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
OPINION •
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
CAPTIVE)
(AUDIENCE
8gVk^c\;gZh]IVhiZ4
NBJMCBH
(
."*-#"
F
NPSF
MJL
1PMJUJDBMMZJODPSSFDU
>>ÊÀiÅ ʜvviÀÃÊ>ÊvՏÊˆ˜iʜvÊ>ÊޜÕÀÊ
v>ۜÀˆÌiÊi݈V>˜Êvœœ`Ã\Ê/>VœÃ]ÊÕÀÀˆÌœÃ]Ê
˜V…ˆ>`>Ã]Ê->>`Ã]Ê>˜`ʘœÜÊÊ
vi>ÌÕÀˆ˜}Ê/œÀ̈>Ê-œÕ«tÊÊ
Ê“>`iÊÀiÅ]Ê̅iÊÊ
Ü>ÞÊޜÕÊÜ>˜Ìʈ̰
ADVERTISE
IN THE
TRAVESTY
• LARGEST COLLEGE HUMOR
PUBLICATION IN THE NATION
• CHEAP AD RATES
• PRINT & ONLINE ADS AVAILABLE
Contact us for more information:
(512) 471-7898
[email protected]
WE NEED
YOU!
WRITERS
1-/
DESIGNERS
Ó£ääÊ11*Ê-/°
ILLUSTRATORS
­x£Ó®ÊÎÓӇä£ää
AD SALESPEOPLE
PICK UP AN APPLICATION AT
;gZZL^gZaZhh>ciZgcZiVi7V_V;gZh]
CMC 3-200
OR ONLINE AT
www.texastravesty.com
* VTFE UP NFBO TPNFUIJOH UP ZPV /PX ZPV
KVTU VTF NF XIFOFWFS JUT DPOWFOJFOU 4PNF
EBZZPVMMNFFUUIFSFBMNF
/B[JGBTDJTUDPNNVOJTU
8BUFSFEEPXOQPMJUJDBMMBCFM
5PEJFGPS
:PV UIPVHIU ZPV DPVME LFFQ NF PVU PG ZPVS
MJGF:PVXPVMEOUFWFODPNFOFBSNF#VU*N
TNPPUI*DIBSNFEZPVXJUINZIPNFDPPLJOH
BOENZTOFBLZXBZT4PPO*QSPWFEUPPTXFFU
UPPUFNQUJOHUPSFTJTU/PXêOBMMZZPVSIFBSU
JTNJOF
$IPMFTUFSPM
"QBSUPGZPV
8
IBU BSF ZPV
DPPLJOH GPS
EJOOFS UPOJHIU )PU
EPHT 4*$, 5IBOLT
GPSSVJOJOHNZBQQF
UJUF %P ZPV IBWF
BOZ JEFB XIBUT JO
UIPTF UIJOHT * SFBE
BMM BCPVU JU JO NZ
OVUSJUJPO DMBTT :PV
NJHIUBTXFMMKVTUFBU
DSBQGSPNUIFEVNQ
&MMFO+PIOTPO
TUFS UIBU TPNFCPEZ
:063/653*5*0/."+03300.."5&
QVLFE PO )PX BN
* TVQQPTFE UP FBU B CBMBODFE NFBM PG UISFF
PVODFTPGDIJDLFOBOEHSJMMFEBTQBSBHVTXIFO
*LOPXZPVSFFBUJOHIPUEPHT
"OZXBZ * NFU UIJT SFBMMZ DVUF HVZ UPEBZ *
XBTJO(/$MPPLJOHGPSTPNFOFXNVMUJWJUB
FAST FOOD IS NOT A CULTURAL EXPORT
*IBUFUIFXBZ*MPPL*NTPTJDLPGCFJOHUIJT
XBZ * OFFE OFX UISFBET * OFFE TPNF ëVĒ *
OFFETPNFPOFUPêYNFUPQVUNFUPHFUIFS*
XBOOBCFNBEF
:PVSCFE
"UPUBMNFTT
$IFDLUIJTPVU
)FZ IPXT JU HPJOH (PU BOZ UFTUT UIJT XFFL :FBI * IBUF NPSOJOHT UPP * DBOU TUBOE UIJT
ESJ[[MF.BZCFUPNPSSPXXJMMCFTVOOZѮBUMM
CF*XJTI*XFSFEFBE)BWFBOJDFEBZ
4NBMMUBMLXJUIBDBTIJFS
'PSDFE
AA T
,JSTUJF"MMFZ
40'"5
NJOT ‡ ZPV SFBMMZ TIPVME UBLF TPNF CZ UIF
XBZ‡BOEXFCPUISFBDIFEGPSUIFMBTUCPUUMF
PG 7JUB1MFY 97 )JT OBNF JT +FGG BOE IFT B
WFHFUBSJBO)PXTFYZJTUIBU
)FTDPNJOHPWFSUPNPSSPXGPSXIFBUHSBTT
TNPPUIJFTTPNBZCFZPVDPVMETUFFSDMFBSGPS
B GFX IPVST *N TP FYDJUFE UIBU IFT DPNJOH
PWFS)FTFFNTMJLFUIFLJOEPGHVZ*DBOUPUBMMZ
EJTDVTT CJPJOUFOTJWF PSHBOJD GBSNJOH XJUI
8PVME ZPV NJOE IJEJOH ZPVS DJHBSFUUFT BOE
BOZGPPETXJUIIZESPHFOBUFEPJMT *EPOUXBOU
IJNUPLOPX*NFYQPTFEUPUIBULJOEPGTUVGG
8BJU B TFDPOE ‡ EJE ZPV GPSHFU UP CVZ
UIPTF GSFF[FSTBGF ;JQMPD CBHT :PV LOPX *
OFFEUIFNUPTUPSFNZQSFQPSUJPOFEDIJDLFO
CSFBTUT *UT MJLF ZPV XBOU NF UP UISPX BXBZ
QFSGFDUMZHPPEBOJNBMQSPUFJO
)PXMPOHIBTUIJTIPUEPHCFFOTJUUJOHPVU %POU ZPV SFNFNCFS BOZUIJOH * UBVHIU ZPV
,*345:*&
"--&
$JSDVNOBWJHBUFE
(FUZPVSIBOETBXBZGSPNNZDPDLQJUѮJTJT
7JSHJO"JSMJOFT:PVLOPX
4UFWF'PTTFUU
'MZJOHTPMP
3PJE3BHF
8IFSFUIFIFMMJTNZEJHOJUZ
+PTF$BOTFDP
4NBMMCBMMFETDVNCBH
(PURVFTUJPOTGPSVT
"TLCVULOPXUIBUBCTUJOFODFJTUIFBOTXFS
MFUUFST!UFYBTUSBWFTUZDPN
TIFQFFTNBZPOOBJTF
UIFSFJTBGBNJMZPGàWFMJWJOH
VOEFSIFSGBUSPMMT
TIFBUFBNJMFMPOHCVUUFSTBOEXJDIBOE
XBTIFEJUEPXOXJUIBHSBWZNJMLTIBLF
/(
#08-*Z
BMMF
TIFMPPLTMJLFBLJOEHFOUMFCJTPO
TIFIBTUPCBUIFJOUIF$BTQJBO4FB
IFSWBHJOBMDBOBMXBTPODFNJTUBLFO
GPSUIFFOUSBODFUPBQMBOFUBSJVN
BCPVU GPPE TBGFUZ 5IF %BOHFS ;POF JT UP
EFHSFFT 'BISFOIFJU BOE ZPV DBOU MFBWF
GPPE PVU GPS NPSF UIBO GPVS IPVST JODMVEJOH
QSFQBSBUJPOUJNF
:PV LOPX ZPV TIPVME CF UIBOLJOH NF "
MPUPGQFPQMFXPVMELJMMGPSBSPPNNBUFXIPT
B OVUSJUJPO NBKPS * HJWF ZPV GSFF EJFU BEWJDF
UFMM ZPV IPX CFTU UP QSFQBSF GPPET BOE XIBU
GPPETUPTUBZBXBZGSPN‡XIJDIJTCBTJDBMMZ
FWFSZUIJOHZPVFBU
'JOFHPUPZPVSSPPNBOEJHOPSFNFTFFJG*
DBSF/PX*DBOFBUNZEJOOFSXJUIPVUMPPLJOH
BUUIBUOBTUZIPUEPH
6HI * DBO TUJMM TNFMM JU *G ZPV XBOU UP LJMM
ZPVSTFMG TP CBEMZ * XJTI ZPVE EP JU JO B XBZ
UIBUXBTMFTTPGGFOTJWFUPNFQFSTPOBMMZ
:PVSF QSPCBCMZ FBUJOH DIPDPMBUF JO UIFSF
UPP%JEZPVLOPXUIBUPOMZFYUSBDBMPSJFT
BEBZBEETQPVOETBZFBS *EJEOUUIJOLTP
POFUJNFTIFXFOUTXJNNJOHJOUIFPDFBO
BOEBXIBMFUSJFEUPIBWFTFYXJUIIFS
F
NPSF
MJL
XIFOTIFEJFTIFSCPEZXJMM
UBLFVQBOFOUJSFDFNFUFSZ
www.texastravesty.com
"UUFOUJPOTFFLJOH
*DBOUCFMJFWFZPVQVUUIBUJOZPVSCPEZ
IFSDFMMTIBWFBMJQJEUSJMBZFS
¥&RESH%NTERPRISES)NC
14 • OPINION
DPODFSOTBOE
QSBJTFGSPNPVS
MJUFSBUFQVCMJD
5&"CBH
Á
15
,JSTUJF
"MMFZT
GBU
KPLF
$PSOFS
JGZPVMPPLVQUIFXPSEiPCFTFuJO
UIFEJDUJPOBSZIFSQJDUVSFJTUIFSF
XIFOTIFTUFQTPOBTDBMFJU
TBZTUPUIFGBUQPXFS
IFSOJDLOBNFJTi'BU'VDLu
IFSGBUDFMMTLFFQFBUJOHFBDIPUIFS
TIFXFBSTBTJ[F
TIFNBLFT.JDIBFM.PPSF
MPPLMJLF"ESJBO#SPEZ
OPINION • 15
16 • OPINION
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
"TL%S
%BMFZ
2
* EPOU IBWF B QSPCMFN XJUI HBZ
QFPQMF CVU * KVTU GPVOE PVU UIBU B HJSM *
XPSLXJUIJTBMFTCJBO4IFTSFBMMZDPPMBOE
XFHFUBMPOHWFSZXFMM4IFIBTOFWFSDPNF
POUPNFCFGPSFCVUXIFO*BNBSPVOEIFS
CFDBVTF TIF JT B MFTCJBO *N BGSBJE TIF JT
DIFDLJOHNFPVUPSUIBUTIFXBOUTUPTMFFQ
XJUINF8IBUTIPVME*EP
"
8IPB :PV UIJOL ZPV EPOU IBWF B
QSPCMFNXJUIHBZQFPQMF -JTUFOKVTUCFDBVTF
ZPVWF TFFO B DPVQMF FQJTPEFT PG 2VFFS &ZF
EPFTOU NBLF ZPV B CFBDPO PG UPMFSBODF BOE
BDDFQUBODF
4PZPVSDPXPSLFSIBQQFOTUPCFJOUFSFTUFE
JOEBUJOHPUIFSXPNFO%PFTUIBUNFBOTIF
JT JOUFSFTUFE JO TIBDLJOH VQ XJUI ZPV /P
"SFZPVBGSBJEFWFSZHVZUIBUZPVFODPVOUFS
NJHIU CF DIFDLJOH ZPV PVU PS XBOUJOH UP
TMFFQXJUIZPV $IBODFTBSFZPVSFnBUUFSJOH
ZPVSTFMG
ɥF NPSF TFSJPVT JTTVF IFSF JT POF XIJDI
NFNCFST PG UIF -(#52 DPNNVOJUZ NVTU
GBDFFWFSZEBZBOEUIBUJTUIFIZQFSTFYVBMJ[B
UJPOPGUIFJSMJWFTBOESFMBUJPOTIJQT
0VS DVMUVSF POMZ TFFT POF TJEF PG HBZ MJGF
BOE UIBUTTFY)PXNVDIPGXIPZPV BSF BT
BQFSTPOJTEFmOFECZXIBUZPVEPXIFOZPV
BSFIBWJOHTFY 6OMFTTZPVBSF3PO+FSFNZPS
)FJEJ 'MFJTT ZPV QSPCBCMZ IBWF NBOZ PUIFS
USBJUT XJUI XIJDI ZPV XPVME mSTU DIPPTF UP
JEFOUJGZZPVSTFMG
8IFO XF UIJOL UIBU CFDBVTF TPNFPOF JT
HBZ UIFZ NVTU IBWF TFYVBM NPUJWFT UIBUT
QSFUUZ EBNBHJOH BOE VOGBJS 6OGPSUVOBUFMZ
GPS IVOESFET PG ZFBST XF IBWF EFNPOJ[FE
DFSUBJO QFPQMF JO PSEFS UP TVQQSFTT UIFN
CZ IZQFSTFYVBMJ[JOH UIFN XIFUIFS JU JT B
XPNBOBDDVTJOHBNBOPGSBQFNFNCFSTPG
DFSUBJO SBDJBMFUIOJD HSPVQT PS QFPQMF GSPN
EJĊFSFOUTFYVBMPSJFOUBUJPOT
8IFO XF EJTDVTT -(#5 JTTVFT JO DMBTT *
VTVBMMZHFUBDPVQMFPGTUVEFOUTXIPXJMMTBZ
i*EPOUIBWFBUIJOHBHBJOTUHBZT*KVTUEPOU
VOEFSTUBOE XIZ UIFZ UIJOL UIFZ DBO IPME
IBOET PS LJTT FBDI PUIFS JO QVCMJD ,FFQ JU
JOUIFCFESPPNw"OE*UFMMUIFNi)FZXIFO
XBT UIF MBTU UJNF ZPV IFME ZPVS HJSMGSJFOE
CPZGSJFOET IBOE JO UIF NBMM PS LJTTFE ZPVS
TXFFUIFBSU PO 4JYUI 4USFFU 8IZ EPOU ZPV
LFFQJUJOUIFCFESPPN wɥFCPUUPNMJOFJT
JGZPVDBOUIBOEMFCFJOHBSPVOEQFPQMFXIP
NBZCF‰HBTQ‰EJĊFSFOUUIBOZPVSTFMGEP
VTBMMBGBWPSBOETUBZIPNF
.
ZSFBDUJPOVQPO
SF B E J O H U I F
I F B E M J O F T PQQPT
JOH(FPSHF8#VTIT
QSPQPTFE
4PDJBM
4FDVSJUZ
SFGPSN
IFBSUZ MBVHIUFS *
UIPVHIU POF PG NZ
GSBUFSOJUZ CSPUIFST
IBE SFQMBDFE NZ
NPSOJOH QBQFS XJUI
UIF 8FFLMZ 8PSME
/FXT "GUFS DPO
+&WFSFUU)BNJMUPO GJSNJOH UIBU * XBT
JOEFFE SFBEJOH UIF
*/4*%&5)&8"414/&45
8BMM 4USFFU +PVSOBM
IPXFWFS UIF POMZ MBVHIT * DPVME IFBS XFSF
UIPTF PG MJCFSBMT UIF XPSME PWFS * TVQQPTF
LFFQJOH 4PDJBM 4FDVSJUZ JOUBDU MJLF SPCCJOH
PVSDPSQPSBUJPOTCMJOEBOECBOLSPMMJOHDSJNJ
OBMTJTKVTUBOPUIFSMFGUJTUDPOTQJSBDZUPDSJQQMF
DBQJUBMJTN
8FMMQMBZFENZGMBHCVSOJOHGSJFOET:PVSF
POFTUFQDMPTFSUPOFWFSTFFJOHBTIBWFEBSNQJU
%S/BODZ%BMFZJTBMJDFOTFEQTZDIPMPHJTUXIPIBTUBVHIUIVNBOTFYVBMJUZJOUIF
%FQBSUNFOUPG&EVDBUJPOBM1TZDIPMPHZTJODF4IFIBEOUIFBSEPGTFYQSJPSUPUIBU
)PXDBO*HFUNZHJSMGSJFOEUPMFUNF
TIBWFIFSQVTTZ
2
)PXDBO*HFUNZHJSMGSJFOEUPMFUNF
DPNFPOIFSUJUT
"
ɥFTFUXPRVFTUJPOTPĊFSNFUIFQFS
GFDU PQQPSUVOJUZ UP UFBDI MJLF B SFBM UFBDIFS
'JSTUBMJUUMFTPDJBMIJTUPSZ
ɥFDVSSFOUUSFOEGPSXPNFOUPQPTTFTTB
DMFBOTIBWFOQVCJDSFHJPOJSSJUBUFTNZT
GFNJOJTU NFOUBMJUZ *UT OPU FYBDUMZ JO UIF
TBNFDBUFHPSZBTSFRVJSJOHBMMGFNBMFTUPQPT
TFTT CJH SPVOE EPVCMF% CSFBTUT UIBU TUBOE
+VTUCFDBVTFZPVWFTFFOBDPVQMF
FQJTPEFTPG2VFFS&ZFEPFTOUNBLF
ZPVBCFBDPOPGUPMFSBODFBOE
BDDFQUBODF
PVUMJLFTPGUCBMMTPOBQPVOECPEZCVUJU
JTTUJMMBQPXFSGVMTUBUFNFOUBCPVUUIFVOEF
TJSBCMFTUBUVTPGUIFOBUVSBMGFNBMFCPEZ
* DBO TFF XIFSF TPNF KVEJDJPVT USJNNJOH
DBO NBLF TFY FTQFDJBMMZ PSBM TFY NPSF
QMFBTBOUGPSCPUIHFOEFSTBOE*BNTVSFTPNF
XPNFO BDUVBMMZ QSFGFS CFJOH DMFBOTIBWFO
FWFO UIPVHI NPTU PG VT BSF UJSFE FOPVHI PG
SVOOJOH SB[PST VQ BOE EPXO PVS MFHT BOE
BSNQJUTFWFSZEBNOEBZ#VUUIFOBLFEQVTTZ
UIJOHCPUIFSTNF
* UIJOL JU IJHIMJHIUT PVS NVDISFQSFTTFE
GPSCJEEFO MPOHJOH GPS QSFQVCFTDFOU HJSMT JG
ZPVNVTULOPX8IZEPOUZPVDIFDLPVU
QPQVMBS NBHB[JOFT BOE TFF IPX NBOZ SFBM
MJGFMJLF HSPXOVQ XPNFOT JNBHFT ZPV DBO
mOE -FUTUSZUPmOEHSPXOXPNFOTFYVBMMZ
BUUSBDUJWFTIBMMXF
0OUPQBSUUXPiɥF1FBSM/FDLMBDFw#FGPSF
*TUBSUMFUNFBTLUIBUUIPTFNBMFTBNPOHZPV
XIPIBWFMFBSOFEUIFJSTFYVBMUFDIOJRVFGSPN
999 NPWJFT EP UIF XPNFO PG UIF XPSME B
CJH GBWPS 1MFBTF IVSSZ UP B 999 WJEFP TUPSF
PXOFECZXPNFOBOESFOUZPVSTFMGTPNFWJE
FPTXSJUUFOEJSFDUFEBOEQSPEVDFECZXPNFO
ɥFTF NBZ KVTU HJWF ZPV BO JOLMJOH PG XIBU
XPNFOFOKPZJOUIFJSGBOUBTJFTBOEPGUFOJO
UIFJSCFETɥBOLZPV
*G ZPVS HJSMGSJFOE TFFNT QVU PĊ CZ ZPVS
EFTJSF UP FKBDVMBUF PO IFS CSFBTUT TFF * UPP
'3&& "SFZPVTUSFTTFE
453&44 :FT
5&45 :FT
:PVSBOTXFS
JOEJDBUFTUIBU
1TZOUPMPHZ5.
DBOIFMQ
16 • OPINION
.ZMBTUOBNFJTNZ4PDJBM4FDVSJUZ
TFYBOESFMBUJPOTIJQBEWJDF
GSPNBSFBMQSPGFTTPS
2
OPINION •
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
BNDBQBCMFPGUIFSFBMOBNFTGPSUIJOHT
ZPV
NJHIU IBWF B DPOWFSTBUJPO XJUI IFS BCPVU
XIZUIJTJTTP4PNFXPNFONBZTIBSFUIBU
PME T GFNJOJTU TFOTJCJMJUZ BOE mOE TVDI
QSBDUJDFT EFNFBOJOH BMUIPVHI * NVTU TBZ
UIBUNVUVBMMZQMFBTVSBCMFSFTQFDUGVMTFYDBO
CFXIPMMZJODFOEJBSZ*UBMTPJOWPMWFTBDUTUIF
FEJUPSSFBMMZEPFTOUDBSFGPSNFUPHPJOUPBOE
JTOFWFSEFNFBOJOHUPFJUIFSQBSUZ
"OEMBEJFTJGZPVIBWFOURVJUSFBEJOHZFU
UIJOL BCPVU UIJT *G ZPV FOHBHF JO TFYVBM BD
UJWJUJFT XJUI NBMFT BOE ZPV TUJMM mOE TFNFO
EJTHVTUJOHZPVOFFEUPUIJOLBCPVUXIZZPV
mOE JU TP ɥFO HJWF TPNF TFSJPVT DPOTJEFS
BUJPO UP UIF GPMMPXJOH RVFTUJPO 8IZ JO IFMM
BSF ZPV IBWJOH TFY XIFO ZPV mOE TVDI BO
JNQPSUBOUDPNQPOFOUPGJUUPCFOBTUZ
PSXFMMUBJMPSFE#SPPLT#SPUIFSTTVJUBHBJO
8IZ DBOU QFPQMF VOEFSTUBOE UIBU 6ODMF
4BN JT B CMFFEJOHIFBSU GPPM *G * XBOUFE NZ
NPOFZUPTJUBSPVOEBOEBDDPNQMJTIOPUIJOH
*XPVMEIBWFJOWFTUFEJOBO&OHMJTIEFHSFF*
HBWFMJCFSBMTUIFCFOFGJUPGUIFEPVCUUIPVHI
IBWJOH OFWFS TFU GPPU JO B QVCMJD TDIPPM PS
SFTUSPPN GPS UIBU NBUUFS
* DPVMEOU UFMM JG
4PDJBM 4FDVSJUZ BEWPDBUFT XFSF TUVCCPSO IJQ
QJFTPSKVTUQMBJOJEJPUT
* EFDJEFE UP DPOEVDU B MJUUMF FYQFSJNFOU *
UBQFEBTJHOSFBEJOHi'3&&.0/&:uPONZ
DBSBOEESPWFEPXO(VBEBMVQFXJUINZXJO
EPXT SPMMFE EPXO * JOUFOEFE UP FEVDBUF BOZ
DVSJPVT QFPQMF PO UIF GSFF NPOFZ UIFZ DPVME
SFDFJWF CZ JOWFTUJOH JO UBYBEWBOUBHFE SFUJSF
NFOUBDDPVOUT*OTUFBEPGHSBUFGVMMZBDDFQUJOH
NZ FSVEJUF BEWJDF IPXFWFS UIF NPC UIBU
IBE HBUIFSFE BSPVOE NZ DBS HSFX BHJUBUFE
BOE EFNBOEFE NPOFZ GSPN NF * UISFX NZ
'JOUPĝīĢįĞBOEMFUNZDBUUMFHVBSEEPUIF
OFHPUJBUJOHGMFFJOHUIFTDFOFIBWJOHMFBSOFEB
WFSZ WBMVBCMF MFTTPO MJCFSBMT BSF OPU IVNBO
CFJOHT
4VSFMJCFSBMTFYIJCJUTPNFIVNBOUSBJUT‡
UIFBCJMJUZUPXBMLVQSJHIUGPSJOTUBODF‡CVU
UIFJSGSBHJMFNJOETIBWFCFFOTPDPOUBNJOBUFE
CZ UIF MJLFT PG #JMM $MJOUPO BOE 3V1BVM UIBU
UIFJS DPMMFDUJWF BCJMJUZ UP SFBTPO UIFJS NPSBM
DPNQBTT BOE UIFJS IZHJFOF IBWF EFWPMWFE UP
TVCSFQUJMJBOTUBOEBSET-JCFSBMTBSFSBWFOPVT
XPMWFT UIBU CSVUBMMZ EFWPVS UIF DBTISJEEMFE
GMFTI PG HPWFSONFOU QSPHSBNT BOE 4PDJBM
4FDVSJUZJTOFYUPOUIFJSNFOV
)FZ*NBSFBTPOBCMFHVZ*VOEFSTUBOEUIBU
HFUUJOH B CJH DIFDL GSPN UIF HPWFSONFOU JT
BQQFBMJOHCVU*NOPTVDLFS*G*CPVHIUJOUP
FWFSZ QZSBNJE TDIFNF UIBU DBNF NZ XBZ *E
CF CFHHJOH GPS DIBOHF PO UIF %SBH JOTUFBE
PG TVSWFZJOH JU GPS SFBM FTUBUF PQQPSUVOJUJFT
4PDJBM 4FDVSJUZ JT B 3PCJO )PPE DBQFS DPO
DPDUFE CZ 'SBOLMJO % 3PCCFSTWFMU UP SFXBSE
UIFMB[ZBOENFEJDBMMZVOTUBCMFBOE*XJMMOPU
CF QBSUZ UP B MJCFSBM GSFFGPSBMM PO NZ IBSE
JOIFSJUFE NPOFZ .Z DPOHSFTTNBOVODMF IBT
CFFODPOUBDUFEBOE*XJMMGJHIUWFIFNFOUMZGPS
NZ (PEHJWFO SJHIU UP FBSO B IFBMUIZ SFUVSO
POBEJWFSTFBTTPSUNFOUPGTFDVSJUJFT
UPDIVSDIPO$ISJTUNBTBOE&BTUFS 8FMMUIF
XFFL .PNNZ UPPL UIF TUPSL UFTU XF XFOU
UP DIVSDI FWFSZ EBZ UP CFH +FTVT OPU UP TFOE
ZPV EPXO GSPN )FBWFO #VU * HVFTT FWFO
(PE EJEOU XBOU ZPV CFDBVTF IFSF ZPV BSF
EFTUSPZJOH NZ DSFEJU BOE LFFQJOH NF IPNF
PO'SJEBZOJHIUT
*LOPXJUTIBSEGPSZPVUPVOEFSTUB‡0I
XIBUOPX /P*EPOUXBOUUPTFFZPVSEPMMZ
"OEHFUZPVSGJOHFSPVUPGZPVSOPTF‡JUTEJT
HVTUJOH1MFBTFKVTUTJUTUJMMBOEMFUNFGJOJTI
*LOPXJUTIBSEGPSZPVUPVOEFSTUBOEOPX
#VUTPNFEBZXIFOZPVSFHSPXOVQBOEIBWF
LJET BOE UIFZSF BMXBZT BTLJOH GPS UPZT BOE
IVHT BOE UP HP UP UIF EPDUPS CFDBVTF UIFJS
HPEEBNO UVNNZ IVSUT ZPV XJMM TFF XIZ
TPNFUJNFT * MPDL NZTFMG JO UIF DMPTFU UP TUPQ
NZTFMG GSPN QVUUJOH ZPV JO B USBTI CBH BOE
UISPXJOHZPVBXBZGPSFWFS
#VU EPOU ZPV XPSSZ TXFFUJF &WFSZUIJOHT
HPJOHUPCFGJOF.PNNZXJMMTUJMMUBLFDBSFPG
ZPV#FDBVTFFWFOUIPVHI*XPVMESBUIFSUBLF
BHVOBOETFOENZTFMGUP)FMMUIBOXBUDI#MVFT
$MVFTXJUIZPVPOFNPSFUJNFUIFQPMJDFXJMM
NBLF NF DMPUIF BOE GFFE ZPV VOUJM ZPVSF BMM
HSPXOVQBOEHPOFBXBZBOE*DBOGJOBMMZCF
IBQQZBHBJO
0IUIBUTEJTHVTUJOH%POUQVUZPVSGJOHFST
JOZPVSNPVUI0IFX&XFXFX%POUUPVDI
NFXJUIUIBUIBOE5IFSFNVTUWFCFFOBNJY
VQBUUIFIPTQJUBM4VSFMZZPVSFUIFJMMFHJUJNBUF
SFTVMUPGHSBJOBMDPIPMBOEBCVSSPTIPX
8IZJT%BEEZMFBWJOHZPVBTL 8FMMQBSUMZ
CFDBVTF ZPV XFU UIF CFE #VU BMTP CFDBVTF
%BEEZ EJEOU SFBMMZ IFMQ NBLF ZPV :PV XFSF
NBEFCZBOPUIFSEBEEZCVUUIBUEBEEZMJWFTJO
BCPYJOUIFQBSL.PNNZXBOUFEUPMJWFJOB
IPVTFTPXFTUBZFEXJUIUIJTEBEEZJOTUFBE
"MSJHIUEBSMJOH*IPQFPVSMJUUMFUBMLIFMQT
ZPV VOEFSTUBOE UIJOHT CFUUFS #VU SJHIU OPX
.PNNZ OFFET TPNF UJNF BXBZ GSPN ZPV
TP TIF XPOU IBWF TJMMZ ESFBNT BCPVU QVUUJOH
$MPSPYJOZPVSQVEEJOHDVQ
:PVTLFEBEEMFOPXTXFFUIFBSU(PPVUTJEF
BOEQMBZ
)VI 0I * EPOU DBSF XIFSF )PX BCPVU
UIBU BCBOEPOFE DPOTUSVDUJPO TJUF 0S UIF
BCBOEPOFEXFMMOFYUUPUIFJOUFSTUBUF *EPOU
DBSF+VTUMFBWFNFBMPOF
*UJTZPVSGBVMUBOE%BEEZEPFTOUMPWFZPV
'JOBMMZ MFU NF QMBZ QTZDIPMPHJTU BOE
FYQMBJO UIF EJĊFSFODF CFUXFFO 'PPUJOUIF
%PPS BOE %PPSJOUIF'BDF UFDIOJRVFT GPS
NBLJOHTIBMMXFTBZVOQPQVMBSSFRVFTUT*O
UIFmSTUJOTUBODFZPVBTLmSTUGPSUIFUIJOH
ZPVUIJOLZPVSTXFFUIFBSUXJMMQSPCBCMZBHSFF
UP0ODFTIFEPFTZPVSGPPUJTJOUIFEPPSGPS
SFRVFTUJOHUIFMFTTMJLFMZCFIBWJPS
)
J IPOFZ )PX
BSF ZPV GFFMJOH 5IBUT OJDF 8FMM *
LOPX ZPVSF B MJUUMF
TDBSFE SJHIU OPX
CFDBVTF PG XIBUT
IBQQFOJOH
XJUI
.PNNZ BOE %BEEZ
4P .PNNZT HPJOH
UP FYQMBJO JU BT TJN
QMZBTTIFDBO
:FT * TFF ZPVS
EPMMZ 8IBU 4QFBL
VQ :FT TIFT WFSZ
:PVS.PN
QSFUUZ /P * EPOU
8*4)&44)&8"4/5
XBOUUPHJWFJUBLJ‡
0I KVTU QVU UIF HPEEBNO UIJOH EPXO PLBZ 1MFBTF CF RVJFU BOE MJTUFO 8IFO ZPV XFSF CPSO
.PNNZDSJFETBEUFBSTBOE%BEEZXBOUFEUPSVO
BXBZ
:PV TFF .PNNZ BOE %BEEZ OFWFS SFBMMZ
XBOUFE ZPV 8F XBOUFE B QVQQZ 8IFO XF
UIPVHIU XF NJHIU HFU ZPV JOTUFBE .PNNZ
IBE UP UBLF B TQFDJBM TUPSL UFTU UP NBLF TVSF
:PV LOPX IPX .PNNZ BOE %BEEZ POMZ HP
i)FZ CBCF IPX ACPVU ZPV MFU NF DPNF PO ZPVS
UJUTKVTUGPSGVO w
i0IXFMMPLBZw
"SFBTPOBCMFQFSJPEPGUJNFFMBQTFT
i#BCFIPXACPVU*TIBWFZPVSQVTTZ w
8JUI%PPSJOUIF'BDFZPVTUBSUXJUIUIF
UIJOHZPVLOPXTIFMMTMBQZPVEPXOGPS
i-FU ZPV MPPTF EPXO UIFSF XJUI B GVDLJOH SB[PS
CMBEF /PGVDLJOHXBZw
ɥFOCBUZPVSFZFMBTIFTJOBEJTBQQPJOUFECVU
GFUDIJOHXBZBOETBZ
i0I XFMM CBCZ IPX ACPVU JG * DPNF PO ZPVS
UJUT w
*NTFSJPVTMZDPOTJEFSJOHNVHHJOHZPV
*OUIJTDBTFJUTBNBUUFSPGLOPXJOHXIFUI
FSZPVSHJSMGSJFOEXPVMECFNPSFEJTHVTUFECZ
IBWJOHZPVSZBOHFTTFODFTNFBSFEBMMPWFSIFS
DIFTUPSUFSSJmFECZUIFWFSZUIPVHIUPGZPV
DPNJOH XJUIJO ZBSET PG IFS QFSTPOBM
QBSUTXJUIBTIBSQJNQMFNFOU
"
O BXGVMMZ DIJMMZ
OJHIUGPSBDPDL
UBJM ESFTT EPOU ZPV
UIJOL "OEUIBUWBO
JUZ QVSTF EBOHMJOH
GSPN ZPVS DSPTTFE
BSNT MJLF B QJFDF PG
CBDPO JT BO FOUJDJOH
USFBUGPSBNBOPGUIF
TIBEPXT
:PVWF TUVNCMFE
JOUP NZ USBQ UIF
TIBEZ
EPXOUPXO
"OPOZNPVT
BMMFZ*DBMMIPNFMJLF
8"/545045&"-:0631634&
B CFBVUJGVM ZPVOH GMZ
UXJUDIJOHJOBTQJEFSTXFC*TFFZPVWFDPNF
BMPOF
#VU ZPV DBOU TFF NF *N MVSLJOH JO UIF
TIBEPXTMJLFBQIBOUPNNJTU*CMFOEJOUPUIF
EBSLOFTT MJLF B TUSJQFE BOHMFSGJTI TJMFOU BT B
4JDJMJBO OVO XBJUJOH GPS UIF QFSGFDU UJNF UP
TUSJLF*NTFSJPVTMZDPOTJEFSJOHNVHHJOHZPV
%POU CF GSJHIUFOFE NZ EFBS * XPOU IVSU
8BOUUP"TL%S%BMFZ
&NBJMIFSBU
ESEBMFZ!UFYBTUSBWFTUZDPN
/PUIJOHJTUBCPP
4PNFUIJOHNJHIU
CFEPOFBCPVUJU5.
#VZ%JVSFUJDT
5IF.PEFSO1TZODF
PG6SJOBSZ5SBDU)FBMUI5.
www.texastravesty.com
ZPV 6OMFTT PG DPVSTF ZPV TDSFBN BOE
DPNQMJDBUF NZ NJTTJPO
:PV TFF *N OPU UIF
UZQFPGUIJFGXIPIBSNTNZWJDUJNT4VSFZPV
NJHIU HFU B TDSBQFE LOFF PS CMPPEJFE OPTF
CVU QMFBTF SFBMJ[F UIBU NZ POMZ JOUFOUJPO JT
UPSFMJFWFZPVPGZPVSWBMVBCMFT#ZOPNFBOT
BN*TPNFKJUUFSZHVUUFSTOJQFUSZJOHUPHFUNZ
OBSDPUJDTGJY
* NBZ CBSL QSPGBOJUJFT BOE EFMJWFS B GFX
TIBSQ LJDLT UP UIF SJCT ‡ QMFBTF VOEFSTUBOE
UIFZSF NFSFMZ QFSGVODUPSZ 5P FGGJDJFOUMZ
SFMJFWF ZPV PG ZPVS CFMPOHJOHT ZPV NVTU CF
BT QFUSJGJFE BT B GJFME NPVTF JO UIF KBXT PG B
SBWFOPVT%JBNPOECBDL
"T*ESBXDMPTFSZPVHMBODFXPSSJFEMZPWFS
ZPVS TIPVMEFS CVU TFF OPUIJOH *N TUFBMUIZ
TMJOLZ‡BDVOOJOHNPVOUBJOQVNBSFBEZUP
QPVODF
1MFBTF EPOU XBML GBTUFS 5IBU EJO JO ZPVS
FBST JT OPU UIF GVSUJWF GPPUTUFQT PG BO FBHFS
UIJFGUJQUPFJOHFWFSDMPTFS‡JUTUIFQPVOEJOH
PGZPVSIFBSU:PVDBOUQPTTJCMZIFBSNFDSFFQ
*N B GBDFMFTT BQQBSJUJPO USBWFSTJOH EJNFO
RECONSIDER YOUR IGNORANT OUTLOOK ON HAWAIIAN PIZZA
TJPOTNFMUJOHJOUPUIFCSJDLBOEBTQIBMU
"T*DSFFQVQCFIJOEZPV*‡XIPPQT
0IEPOUSVO5IBUDSBTIXBTOUUIFSBDLFU
PG B UPQQMJOH USBTIDBO *U XBT NFSFMZ ZPVS
PWFSBDUJWF JNBHJOBUJPO QMBZJOH EFWJMJTI USJDLT
PO ZPV 0S B DBU :FT B TUSBZ DBU EPEHJOH
BCPVUJOUIFEBSLOFTT1MFBTFTMPXEPXO*N
BTUINBUJD
:PV UVSO B DPSOFS BOE TUPQ 4VSF ZPVWF
FWBEFE NF GPS UIF UJNF CFJOH #VU *MM DBUDI
VQ -FU UIF TPPUIJOH FDIPFT PG NZ EFTQFSBUF
XIFF[JOHJOUIFEBOLBMMFZBTTVBHFZPVSGFBST
"T*MJNQEFGUMZBSPVOEUIFDPSOFS*MVOHF
UPXBSET ZPVS QVSTF TQFFEJOH MJLF B DIFFUBI
JO QVSTVJU PG B ZPVOH HB[FMMF 8IBU USFBTVSFT
BXBJU NF JOTJEF ZPVS JNJUBUJPO (VDDJ IBOE
CBH
0IEPMFUHP3FMJORVJTI*TBZ*BTTVSFZPV
JUTVTFMFTTUPSFTJT‡(BSIIIXPXPX
.Z EBSMJOH XIZ EJE ZPV IBWF UP UB[FS NZ
DSPUDIBSFBBOEUIFOCFBUNFMJLFBOJOTPMFOU
NBMDPOUFOU .Z JOUFOUJPOT XFSF OPU NBMJ
DJPVT*POMZXBOUFEUPNVHZPV
17
:PVSFBTMVU
*
:PVS#JSUI$POUSPM
'&%618*5):063130.*4$6*5:
N OPU NBE *N
KVTU EJTBQQPJOUFE
)PX DPVME * CF
NBE BU ZPV :PVSF
TP EBSO GSJFOEMZ ‡
FTQFDJBMMZ XJUI UIPTF
DPMMFHF CPZT (PTI
KVTU UP UBLF NF ZPV
IBE UP HFU PGG ZPVS
GSJFOEMZ CBDL BOE
DMPTF ZPVS GSJFOEMZ
MFHTGPSUIFGJSTUUJNF
JOUIFMBTUTJYGSJFOE
MJFTU NPOUIT PG ZPVS
MJGFIVTTZ
%JE*TBZUIBUPVUMPVE 8IPPQTJF*NKVTUB
UFFOTZCJUCJUUFS:PVTFFZPVOFWFSCPUIFSFEUP
HFUUPLOPXNFFWFOUIPVHI*BOEJOOVNFS
BCMFTMPCCFSJOHNFO
IBWFHPUUFOUPLOPXZPV
FYUSFNFMZXFMM*HVFTTZPVSFGBSUPPiCVTZuUP
MFBSO XIBU NBLFT PVS SFMBUJPOTIJQ FGGFDUJWF
MJLF UBLJOH NF BU UIF TBNF UJNF FWFSZ EBZ
"OEJUXPVMEOUIVSUUPMPPLJOUPUIFBNB[JOH
BEWBODFNFOU JO DPOUSBDFQUJPO LOPX BT UIF
iMBUFYDPOEPNu
3FNJOE NF XIBU BSF UIF QSBJTFXPSUIZ
BDUJWJUJFT UIBU PDDVQZ ZPVS TQBSF UJNF 4UVEZJOH /PUIBUTOPUJU3BJTJOHNPOFZGPS
UTVOBNJ WJDUJNT /PQF /PU RVJUF $PVME JU
CFTDSFXJOHDPNQMFUFTUSBOHFSTJOBMPOFMZ
ESVOLFO IB[F %JOH %JOH %JOH 8F IBWF
B XJOOFS 4PNFPOF HJWF UIJT HJSM B TFDPOE
IZNFO
*N TPSSZ 5IBU XBT SVEF -FUT GPSHJWF BOE
GPSHFUPLBZ +VTUMJLFZPVMMIBWFUPGPSHJWFBOE
GPSHFU #JMM *OTFSU-BTU/BNF)FSF GPS HJWJOH
ZPV HFOJUBM XBSUT MBTU XFFLFOE 5IPVHI JO
#JMMTDBTFJUTNPSFMJLFGPSHJWFCVUOFWFSGPS
HFU
5IBUOJHIUPGTMPQQZIBMGNBTUFEUISVTU
JOH PG TXFBUZ CFMMJFT DIFBQ CFFS BOE CPEZ
PEPSMFGUZPVSHPPETQFSNBOFOUMZEBNBHFE
)FZ OPX *UT PLBZ %POU DSZ 8F BMM NBLF
JEJPUJDNJTUBLFTUIBUTDBSBOESPUPVSHFOJUBMT
BOEMFBWFVTUPEJF"MPOF
8BJUBNJOVUF‡*KVTUSFNFNCFSFETPNF
UIJOH :PV EPOU IBWF UP EJF BMPOF BGUFS BMM
5VSOUIBUGSPXOVQTJEFEPXOUIBOLTUPZPVS
IBQIB[BSE VTF PG NF ZPVSF OPX PGGJDJBMMZ
QSFHOBOU$POHSBUVMBUJPOT
4MVU
&%*503*"-4
NPSF
MJLF
FEJ#03&JBMT
OPINION • 17
18 • FEATURES
TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2005
8IBUT:PVS:$5
8BOOBIFMQNF
TDSBQFPõTPNF
,FSSZCVNQFS
TUJDLFST
"UUFOUJPO8IPSJOH&WFOU
%PZPVIBUFBMMUIF
MJCFSBMQVTTJFTBU
UIJTTDIPPM
/P
:FT
"OHMP
"NFSJDBO)JTUPSZ
:FBS
%PFTZPVS
)VNNFS)HFU
FJHIUNJMFTQFS
HBMMPO
/P
8FMGBSF
$IFDLT
#POmSF
:FT
/P
UIBOLT*MJLF
QFFJOHPOUIFN
NPSF
:FT
:FT
8IBUTXSPOH
XJUIUIJT
DPVOUSZ
-BDL
PGGBNJMZ
WBMVFT
/PU
FOPVHI
USVDLT
0OMZ
FWFSZPUIFS
EBZ
%PSBJOCPXT
NBLFZPVJMM
'SFFEPN
,JTTJOH
#PPUI
.PSFSFENFBU
)BWFZPVFWFS
TVTQJDJPVTMZFZFEUIF
QSPMFUBSJBUUISPVHI
ZPVSQPMJTIFE
NPOPDMF
8PVMEZPVDMBTTJGZ
ZPVSTFMGBTiBOUJTFYwPS
iQSPBCTUJOFODF w
1SPBCTUJOFODF
0OMZ
FWFSZEBZ
4UPQ8IJUF
0QQ‰HJHHMF
8IJUF0QQSFTTJPO
%BZ
/P
*NCVTZ
QPMJTIJOHNZ
NPOPDMF
:FT
UISPVHI
BQPMJTIFE
NPOPDMF
"DDJEFOUBMMZ
nBTIJOHMFGUCSFBTU
EVSJOHBSPVUJOF
QFSGPSNBODFBUUIF
8FTU.BMMSBMMZ
TQBDF
1BQFSPSQMBTUJD
8IBUTZPVS
QSFGFSSFE
NFEJBCJBT
18 • FEATURES
*LOPX
-JCFSBM
1BTTJPOGPS
5IF1BTTJPO
/P
)FZOJDFMPBGFST
5IBOLT
19
'*-.'&45*7"59
6/*0/
5)&"5&3
"13*-
1.
%POUZPVIBUFJU
XIFOUIFIFMQDBOU
HFUUIFTQBHIFUUJ
BOEDVNTUBJOTPVU
PGZPVSGBWPSJUF1PMP
:FT
OPX
BDDFQUJOH
TIPSUT
EFBEMJOFGPSFOUSJFT
"13*-
4UPQ/08
/PX3BMMZ
:FT
.BSSJBHFJTCFUXFFO
.BO8PNBO
.BOXPNBO
'*-.SF'&45
)FI
NP F
MJL
:FT
-JCFSBM
"öSNBUJWF
"DUJPO#BLF
4BMF
5&9"453"7&45:
4VSF.PN
"SFZPV
SFBEJOHUIJT
"OUJTFY
/P
8JOB
POFXBZ
UJDLFUCBDLUP
UIF4PWJFU
6OJPO
:FT%BE
SECOND ANNUAL TEXAS TRAVESTY FILM FEST •
:FT
4IPVMEQSFTJEFOUTCF
NFBTVSFECZUIFJS
BCJMJUZUPUISPXB
GPPUCBMM
4USBJHIU
1SJEF3BMMZ
/P
MORE LIKE “TRAVES-TRYING TOO HARD TO BE FUNNY” SINCE 1997
#VSO1FPQMF
8IP#VSOUIF
"NFSJDBO'MBH
%BZ
www.texastravesty.com
'03.03&*/'0"/%&/53:'03.4
UFYBTUSBWFTUZDPNàMNGFTU
IMMIGRATION IN THIS COUNTRY IS OUT OF CONTROL
U
T
F
G
&
(
"
4
4"6
SECOND ANNUAL TEXAS TRAVESTY FILM FEST • 19