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VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
#051415060315
READ THE PLANET, IT’S FREE
WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM
(256) 533 • 4613
MAY 14 - JUNE 3, 2015
Entertainment, Arts & Lifestyle
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
Cotton Row, Wartrace Musicfest, Local Film: Dormant, 5 A’s,
Hildegard’s Biergarten, Big Spring Jam Gone Bye, News of the Weird,
Eggrolls and Green Soul-Pierce, Throwing Her Life Away, Auntie Jen’s
Animal Crazy, The Greatest Music and Event Calendars on Earth!!!!!
2
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET
In
The
Planet
may 14 - june 3, 2015
NEXT ISSUE: JUNE 4, 2015
203 Grove Ave., Huntsville Al, 35801, phone 256.533-4613
THE VALLEY PLANET
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
#051415060315
Table of Contents
3
Letter From The Publisher
3
On the Cover: Photo by Jenny Woody Ragland
4
Gal About Town: Spotlight on Local Film, Dormant, Tina Leach
4
The Owl’s Eye: Throwing Her Life Away?, John Davis
4
Cotton Row Restaurant, Mike Ragoza
5
ReLit: Smokin’ Hot Reads Worth a ReKindle – “Taps” by Willie Morris
5
Eggrolls & Green Soul-Pierce, Tom Colbey, Jr.
5
Auditory Lightning – The Cains, Cameron Reeder
6
News of the Weird, Chuck Shepherd
7
Zee’s Rocket City bEAT, Jim Zielinski
7
YUM: 5 A’s Restaurant, Sweet T
8
Unchained Maladies, Ricky Thomason
8
The Jazz Lounge, Jackie Anderson
9
Free Will Astrology, Rob Breszny
10
Music Calendar Begins
11
Music Calendar Ends
12
Festhalle in Huntspatch: Hildegard’s Biergarten!, Jim Zielinski
13
Calendar of Events Begins
13
Regional Concert Calendar
14
Observations of a Big Spring Jam Gone Bye, Lee Cox
14
Walk With Me, Cameron Reeder
15
Events Calendar Continues
16
Dr. Anarcho’s Rx For Old Stuff that ALWAYS Sucked
16
Auntie Jen’s Animal Crazy
16
Marley From The Darkside, Marley and Her Human
17
Events Calendar Ends
17
The ISIS Threat, Joseph Connaughton
18
Music Exchange
18
To Yuno From Yunohoo
18
The Single Guy: Communi-date, Aaron Hurd
Publisher
Jill E. Wood
Calendar
Joani Williams
Graphic Design
Douglas A. Lange
Contributors
Bonnie Roberts
Elaine Nelson
Ricky Thomason
Jim Zielinski
Tim Owen
Aaron Hurd
Mike Ragoza
John Davis
Tom Colbey, Jr.
Cameron Reeder
Jennifer Roberts
Marley & Her Human
Tina Leach
Joseph Connaughton
Lee Cox
Jackie Anderson
Sweet T
Letter from the
Publisher
A
s it has been for the last few years, spring
brings a multitude of exciting events
of all types to our community! Take a
spin through our music calendar and our events
calendar so you can be “in the know!”
In this issue you may notice some names you
don’t recognize. That is because we have included
some of the submissions sent in from community
members in addition to our regular contributors.
As always, if you agree or disagree with any
opinions expressed and feel the desire to share
your opinion, please feel free to do so in a “Letter
to the Publisher.” (500 word limit). Email this to
[email protected].
Jill E. Wood, Juggler
“We’re going live to the planet tonight!
Let’s hope this sh*t works!”
- Bono
On The Cover:
Photo by Jenny Woody Ragland
J
enny Woody Ragland, 
a sixth-generation Madison County native, found her true
passion along the way of a 20-plus year (and
counting) photographer’s journey. Taking school
portraits, she connected with each child, capturing images that stood out from the typical school
photo. Pleased parents enlisted her to photograph
the kids’ sports teams, which kept her busy for
many years.
During her time off, she continually experimented with nature photography, ultimately finding a
new level of fulfillment. Her deep love of God’s
extravagant creation - gained during a lifetime enjoying the creeks, woods, hills, lakes, farms and
fields - forms a remarkable canvas for images that
capture the essence of a subject in a manner that
defies description, yet is immediately recognized
by the viewer.
You can see more of her work at   www.jennyraglandphotos.com. Prints, notecards, and framed
photographs are available for purchase on the
website, and at four local stores: Lawren’s, Al
Christopher, Brooks & Collier, and The Greene
Street Market Store.
Thank you for reading the fine print of the Valley Planet. The Valley Planet and valleyplanet.com are published every three weeks by J W Publications in Huntsville, AL. You can pick up the paper free all over the
place or get it free on the web. Copyright 2003 by the Valley Planet, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction or use without our permission is strictly prohibited. The views and opinions expressed within
these pages and on the website are not necessarily those of the Valley Planet or its staff. The Valley Planet is
not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts or art. Back issues are available for viewing on our website www.
valleyplanet.com in the archives section. You may reach the Valley Planet office @ 256.533.4613 or by mail
at Valley Planet 203 Grove Ave. Huntsville, AL 35801. Contact by email: [email protected].
256-533-4613 Valley Planet
Deadline for June 4 issue is May 22, 2015.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
3
We need them like a drowning man needs a life
preserver. The foreign English speakers, in other
words, control ‘the narrative’. If he is a businessman, his interests might not be ours. As one of our
translators in a combat zone, he can be literally
the difference between life and death. Why can’t
we be the one who makes that difference?
Throwing Her Life Away?
by Tina Leach
Spotlight on Local Film: Dormant
A
s a person who dabbles in the world of
shoestring budget filmmaking (I’m just
kidding, we had to lose the shoestring too expensive), I find it fascinating when someone takes their vision and turns it into film (umbrella term that also encompasses digital because
no good word has been invented yet).
So in this episode, the Gal About Town (moi) will
take a look at local writer, acting coach, and filmmaker, Jay Burton and his (still in production)
feature length (meaning actual movie length)
film, “Dormant.”
I asked him many questions, and he gave me
good, long answers, which helps, so I don’t have
to add a lot of filler - I mean, commentary.
The movie is called “Dormant,” and is written,
produced, and directed by Julian Jay Burton. It’s
produced by Bermuda Image, LLC.
Give me as much plot as you’re willing to give
away…
“Detective Jordan Long is drawn in by government secrets as he hunts down former CIA agent,
Nigel Goodman. Goodman, a Russian spy who
was murdered ten years ago but has mysteriously
returned to continue his terrorist acts.”
How long has this been in progress? How’s the
road so far?
“We’ve shot the film for six months to this day.
Locations have been Huntsville, Madison, Decatur, Harvest, Danville, and Hartselle. We’ve
also shot at the Botanical Gardens in Huntsville.
It’s been a challenging but fun project. Producing a full-length feature with ambition can have
its knick and knacks. Conflicted schedules can
come into play and getting the proper locations.
Staying fair to the vision is the challenge. Every
accurate detail is important so the focus and discipline of your cast and crew are vital. And we’ve
had a great crew. The project is very diverse and I
wanted to incorporate that element in the story.”
What was the inspiration?
“The level of creativity and entertainment is dropping dramatically today. This inspires me to challenge my own creativity and craft.”
Cast
Julian Jay Burton as Detective Jordan Long
Tom Hagale as Arthur Huff
Bernadette Chapman as Teresa Huff
Amanda Miserocchi as Mandi Huff
Mia Chin as Paris Long
Nayeon Kim as Kaiyo Long
Perry Ball as Police Chief Bill Godsey
Faith Bruner as Officer Julie Stokes
Ann Lukens as CIA Agent Natalie Cox
Bruce Green as Jerry Ferguson
Dave Scott as Dr. Hunter
Jim Donaldson as Dr. Hamilton
Nicholas Willis as FBI Agent Shawn Elliot
Blain Burdette as FBI Agent Kenneth Dalton
Tom Parnell as Nigel Goodman
Robert Hall-Stunt Double
We don’t know the value of languages, and so
look down on language study. This is understandable. After all, we live in a country where the right
of passage for 19th century immigrants was to get
rid of the language of the old country, and learn
English. Yet, that was also when people who came
here never thought of going back, for any reason.
In fact, the Irish used to have a rite of the dead
for those who departed by ship for America, since
they would presumably never be seen again.
Crew
Marcus Ferrell (Assistant Director)
Latosha Baldwin (2nd Assistant Director, MakeUp Artist)
James Ryan Sims (Director of Photography)
Amber Troglen (Make-Up Artist)
Brooklyn Dollman (Make-Up Artist)
Brianna Kirk (Make-Up Artist)
Howard Rochelle (Boom Operator)
Rajshone Taylor (Boom Operator)
William Swindell Boom Operator, Production
Assistant)
Casey Smith (Production Assistant)
Jennifer Burton (Production Assistant)
Not today. Today, due to the Internet, countries
have almost ceased to have borders. Our banks
are multinational. Don’t believe it? Look at
Huntsville’s taller buildings and ask yourself what
the initials stand for. Companies move around the
world, seeking ever greater markets. All the news
in Alabama is how we try to attract foreign corporations. Even the tiniest town sends its officials
abroad in quest of companies to come here, or our
products there. America is no longer hidden behind two great seas, oblivious of a world beyond.
We need to reach out, and for good reason. Without foreign investment, much of what we value
would disappear. But that means we have to deal
with…foreigners.
The movie isn’t finished, but while you wait a
graphic novel (“Bermuda City”) will be released
from Red Crow Comics this summer. There’s also
a web series that can be found at RedCrowComics.com. You can follow the movie’s progress on
Twitter (@dormantmovie) or Facebook (facebook.com/pages/Dormant/172991759526421).
Give them a like, a follow, some encouragement,
some love. And keep watching for “Dormant,”
hopefully premiering this fall at a theater near
you.
Not to worry, we argue. English is the language
of the world! Really? Not true. Foreigners who
speak English are our only access to their market.
Support Local Film!
Who are your influences?
Alfred Hitchcock had a rare skill of branding classical stories. He presented it in a
light that anyone could relate to. Christopher
Nolan is brilliant at merging fantasy characters and realism. Both brought an element of
realism to their craft, which many want to
relate to. To me storytelling is about seeing
self.”
Our nation’s security requires foreign language
speakers. Our businesses desperately want Americans who can be intermediaries with their foreign
contacts. Utah understands this. They have recently initiated immersion foreign language classes in
some of their grade school districts. Remarkable?
Not in Europe, where children as a rule begin foreign language study in first grade. My oldest son,
when my family was attached to NATO in the
Netherlands, discovered an opportunity. Because
Canadian law requires all day classes in French
for the children of their French speaking NATO
soldiers, they taught such classes at the military
post where we lived. So, we enrolled our son in
the French school for his fourth and fifth grade
classes. He now speaks fluent French. Without
the self- consciousness of an adult (or high school
student), kids soak up such courses as they would
any other.
We lavish cash on technical classes such as math,
science, and computers. We isolate foreign language training in Alabama; we can’t even imagine its value. If considered at all, it is a random, or
specialized, study. In most cases, it begins in high
school. Where German was once taught in Athens, it is no longer offered. Where Russian was
taught in Huntsville, it was cancelled. There is no
follow up, no encouragement to concentrate and
focus on something which can benefit a student
in later life. Why not consider Alabamians worth
serving as linguists in our State Department, or
specialized military occupations? There are real
careers there. Why shouldn’t someone from our
Valley be the international face of a foreign based
company? Wouldn’t it be of immense benefit if
one of our children went abroad to represent us to
our prospective customers? We only have to offer long term foreign language study, the better to
help ourselves as a state. We should offer it to the
little kids who can shock you with their abilities.
Cotton Row
Restaurant
by Mike Ragoza
W
e decided to go upscale this month
and check out the Cotton Row restaurant located off Courthouse Square in
Huntsville.
Is everyone [from the cast] from Huntsville
or nearby?
“I stay in Harvest. There are a few actors
from Huntsville: Tom Hagale, Faith Bruner,
Nicolas Willis, Dave Scott, and Robert Hall.
The remaining cast are from Atlanta, Birmingham, and North Carolina.”
Is a local musician doing the music?
“We are in collaboration with local rap artist, Stretch. I am also a songwriter and singer
and will do a duo track with Stretch. And we
have Petteri Saino [from Germany], who
will do the scores.
When are you hoping to show it? Are you
hoping for it to be picked up by a major studio?
“…we’re not necessarily aiming for major
Dormant Poster, (c) 2015 Bermuda Image
4
T
he grey haired electrical engineer looked
sad, morose as if a vacuum just sucked
up his terrier. “What’s wrong?’ I asked
my crestfallen colleague. “Oh, it’s my daughter.
She’s throwing her life away.” He seemed to want
to talk, twirling his pen on the table in his tiny
office. The father sighed, said she called from
college, where she’d majored in ‘journalism and
Serbo-Croatian’. “Can you imagine that!?” he
exclaimed, as if his daughter announced an affinity for human flesh. “Why is that a problem,” I
purred. Stunned, he began a sermonette on how
she could do so much better. I responded, “Do I
hear dad, with a doctorate of engineering, upset
because his daughter doesn’t want to be an engineer?” Well, maybe, he conceded. “Have you
ever thought she might be interested in the State
Department? After all, that’s where history is happening now.” These were the days of the Bosnian
wars. The sad dad didn’t know Serbo-Croatian
was the language of the former Yugoslavia, but
was intrigued. Suffice it to say his daughter is
now in the United States Department of State, and
he is proud as humanly possible.
studios but global exposure and collaborations
with international theaters, distributors and film
festivals. We have no official release date as of
yet but are aiming for mid Fall (Octoberish).” He
is also hoping to show it at the Monaco Theater at
Bridge Street, so be on the lookout for that, or just
keep checking the Valley Planet calendar.
Language study is essential. Why don’t our high
school, for that matter our grade school administrators encourage it? After all, he who communicates with another society in their language can
hope to understand them. When we speak to a foreigner in English, he understands us, but do we
understand what motivates him? Try this. If you
know someone who speaks a foreign language,
and he begins to address foreign guests in their
language here in this country, they are attracted
to such a speaker as gnats to light. Wouldn’t you
do the same, if the roles were reversed? American
tourists are drawn as by a magnet to someone who
can interpret the foreign world they visit. But remember the larger concern.
I have lived in the Huntsville area for several
years and for whatever reason had not bothered
to try it; well last Saturday I was glad I did. We
were seated in their upstairs dining area and were
quickly offered cocktails. They had some good
microbrews on draft as well as a pretty extensive
wine list, which made choosing difficult.
The dessert was their crème Brule which was
warm and very sweet, complementing my Frenchpressed coffee nightcap. The service was just
right, not pushy but we were not ignored either,
and the waiter had the valet bring the car around
while I paid. So some minor nits but other than
that a Five Star meal.
I had their warm Romaine salad as an appetizer
and the grilled lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese
were tasty, warm, and perfectly grilled. The main
course was their filet, which was also perfectly
prepared and tasty. One minor complaint, the
grilled vegetables on which it sat were not that
warm. Our other entrée, lamb chops, was equally
cooked to perfection but suffered the same lukewarm vegetables.
I won’t wait so long to visit next time.
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
Cotton Row Restaurant
100 Southside Square, Huntsville, AL
256 382-9500, cottonrowrestaurant.com
Cotton Row is in the running for USA Today’s
Best Southern Fine Dining! You can vote through
May 25, 2015. http://www.10best.com/awards/
travel/best-southern-fine-dining/
THE VALLEY PLANET
ReLit: Smokin’ Hot Eggrolls & Green
Reads Worth a
Soul-Pierce
ReKindle
come.” He responds simply. His wisdom the orange robes of monk-sage fortune cookie that my
frustrated energies were the Mongo ray gun kill
to any fish-catching glory. Young doesn’t like to
fish. I gather it’s something about how fishing
doesn’t pay beyond the next formerly swimming
meal, so he sells bait to people looking for their
next formerly swimming meal, and eggrolls to
those failing to bag a former swimmer.
(Food Diversity Series)
by Tom Colbey, Jr.
– “Taps” by Willie Morris
A
good book is a wonderful thing. A wonderful book is even better. Rarely does
one get the opportunity to go live inside
a book. A book that is its own world, where you
know the characters so well by their actions and
descriptions that you wouldn’t be too surprised if
they stepped off the pages and said “hi.”
This familiarity happens in “Taps” because Willie Morris writes of our deep south; all of these
people live or have lived in south Mississippi and
Alabama and you know or have known them.
Morris is that spot-on with his character development, language, and understanding of the weirdness that is “us.”
I previously read, “My Dog Skip” and loved it,
but somehow fell out of the loop and failed to follow up on Morris’s other books. This is at once
a tragedy and a marvelous thing for me. Morris
has almost twenty other books and I intend to find
them all and savor them like sweet treats.
“Taps” is the last book published by Willie Morris
before his death in 1999. “Taps” and the rest of
his work will stand the test of time with Faulkner,
Welty, O’Connor, Larry Brown, and the other lions of so called “Southern Fiction.”
The disconcerting thing about Willie Morris
books is that they are so beautifully written, poetic, music to the ears and you want to read them
aloud. You find yourself stopping and rereading
paragraphs and entire sections because they are
so effortlessly artful.
I can add nothing to the description of “Taps”
published in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.
“The final work from one of America’s most beloved authors and an instant classic, TAPS takes
readers on one last fictional journey to Willie
Morris’s South and spins a tender, powerful, very
American story about the vanishing beauty of a
charmed way of life and the fleeting boyhood of
a young man coming of age in a time of war. In
Fisk’s Landing, Mississippi, at the dawn of the
Korean War, sixteen-year-old Swayze Barksdale
is suddenly called to an unexpected duty - playing “Taps” at the gravesides of the town’s young
casualties sent home from the front. Gradually,
Swayze begins to pace his life around these all
too frequent funerals, where his horn sounds the
tragic note of the times. At turns funny, at turns
poignant, TAPS abounds with colorful characters
and yet “sings and sighs . . . with a kind of minor
key wistfulness” as Swayze learns what it means
to be a patriot, a son, a lover, a friend, a man.”
Morris’s works are the kind you do not pass along
to friends who never return them. These are kept
to be savored again later.
Review by Ricky Thomason.
I
’ve got two eggrolls; Jen’s got two eggrolls.
Young stopped watching his laptop long
enough to serve his last four. Jen’s looking at
me, all green soul-pierce and pleads, willing me
to take the first bite.
“So, you sell a lot of these eggrolls?” I ask.
“Look ‘round, what you think?” Young responds.
Besides me and Jen and Young, there’s no one
around. There’s no cars driving down the road.
It’s Zombie Apocalypse, or we’re way out in the
country, I wasn’t sure. On the road, Jen and I
missed the not-so convenient store of our destination, and had to half-circle back. We were certain
the Eisenhower-era ship-hull, with satellite dish,
all peeping-Tom, glancing out from the leafy nature trying to destroy the place, just couldn’t be
the place we were going.
Look ‘round, what you think? The answer to
whether he had a lot of fisherman buying bait,
how long he’d owned the place, and why he
stopped selling gas. How does a Korean from the
Pacific Rim tonsil-peninsula on the other side of
the world get to Madison County, Alabama? According to Young: 981 Hobbes Island Road just
happened to him.
What does seemingly benevolent Deliverance
with no banjos look like?
Missions like that are boring alone; although,
with friends, they’re like the fish getting bigger
in fish tales, backyard BBQ yarns for years. I’m
thinking about the coffee shop talk a decade from
now when this eggroll will be as big as Jen, and
how we had to drive her Lexus to the Bermuda
Triangle to eat it.
I tell Young that I had no success fishing. I could
be inches from friends, and not catch anything
while they scooped up scaled happiness one after another. “You put bad energy out, fish won’t
I didn’t tell him this place screamed a potentially
killer power combo opportunity of oddity. His initial questions of “Look ‘round, what you think?”
a clear statement that he already knew.
I figure enough conversation had occurred, so
mad doubts and all, Jen and I bite into eggrolls.
My teeth in down-back to circular-repeat motion
through pork and carrots and my waning faith in
a mission of future tall tales. Curse me if faith
wasn’t restored before that second bite was complete! This bait shop concoction planted the flag
of Young’s Korean homeland right on my taste
buds. I know a certain five-foot Viking-pale shade
of avenging angel-lovely who agrees.
Sometimes, negative energy catches an eggroll.
Follow me on Twitter @colbey_jr
by Cameron Reeder
L
ike its Southern cuisine, Alabama is known
for serving up talented singers. Remember
the first few seasons of Idol? Lately we
have witnessed great new bands like Alabama
Shakes from Athens and St Paul and the Broken
Bones from Birmingham. 
Enter The Cains. Madison, Logan and Taylor.
I call them the next big thing in country music.
These good looking, clean cut siblings were into
everything growing up in small town Hartselle;
academics, sports and especially music. When
you look up All American Kid in the dictionary,
their photo appears next to the description. And
they have been inseparable since childhood. They
seem destined for success.
Parents Charley and Shari Cain are ministers at
World Harvest Outreach church in Hartselle. And
music has always played a big role in both the
family and the church.
“Our dad is a pastor and musician so I would say
that he brought music into our life,” said Madison
Cain. “We spent our childhood watching him at
church and going on the road with him. By the
time we were teenagers, we were his backing
band.”
and even West African influences with shades of
Deer Tick, Lou Reed, The Walkmen and Paul
Simon’s Graceland. Their self-titled debut album
was released in April.
ireships is the new band fronted by Andrew
Vladeck, founder of The Honey Brothers
and veteran solo artist. The band is an elegant, folky indie outfit incorporating Americana
Fig Leaf Costumes is located at 3301 9th avenue
SW in Huntsville. 256-270-7486. Doors open at
6:30 and the show starts at 7pm – donation-based
performance.
THE VALLEY PLANET
What’s my mission? I want to eat odd food or
in odd places or power combo odd food in odd
places.
But, then I read about a bait shop serving the best
eggrolls ever cooked. Young is shocked I found
the article. He said it was five years ago when
they printed it. I’m Elwood Blues standing next
to my much comelier Jake, “I’m on a mission to
eat odd food or in odd places or power combo odd
food in odd places.”
Auditory Lightning – The Cains
Fireships to Play
Figleaf
F
It’s fish bait on walls and beer in open window
frigs, and Jen’s and my purpose are the eggrolls
on the menu that took a long county road to order – and who knows when the health inspector
last travelled that path. I’d be a criminal if Jen’s
the victim of eggroll death because my companion is a five-foot Viking-pale shade of avenging
angel-lovely wrapped in porcelain mini-doll delicate, and sporting chain gun green soul-pierce in
her eyes intensely wondering if my mission was
worth her tummy health.
Young’s business plan the silhouette-vague dollop-dose of American Dream simple.
#051415060315
Migrating to Nashville following their respective
graduations from Troy University, the group started writing and performing almost immediately.
Today, The Cains are moving into something more
complex and less able to pigeonhole in a specific
genre, though Madison insists they are still very
much a country group. The incredible lead vocals
and harmonies of the brother/sister act blend in a
way that leaves a lasting emotional imprint. It’s
hard not to compare them with other great vocal
acts like The Band Perry and Lady Antebellum,
but that would be an unfair comparison. Each of
the Cains is adept at multiple instruments, which
only adds to their wheelhouse on stage and in the
studio. And their voices are absolutely unique
both as individuals and as a group. At the very
least, their sound can best be described as auditory lightning in a bottle.
“The genre has been evolving so much in the last
couple of years,” explains Madison. “Sam Hunt
has strong hip hop vibes throughout his writing
and Kasey Musgraves has strong folk/Americana
influences. So what is true “country” music is
now open to new ideas than ever before.”
Madison, Taylor and Logan didn’t have undue
expectations from the Music City. They continue
to pay the price for their shot. Needless to say,
getting started in the music industry takes 100%
dedication to the craft. From their new home in
Music City, the three are pulled in multiple directions in order to ultimately become successful at
what they love.
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
 “We are doing a little of everything now,” said
Logan. “This week, we’ll meet with two booking
agents, a manager, and Sirius XM. We are hitting
the studio to record our final song to complete the
new EP that will release the end of May. We’re
getting ready to showcase for labels in May. So
besides working on music and rehearsing our
show, we’re working on a lot of stuff behind the
scenes. There’s a lot more that goes into this career than I thought in the beginning.”
The writing process may seem easy to those who
have never had to do it professionally. As with
any process, it takes long hours and dedication
in an industry with a lot of competition and even
more talent. Like a high wire act working without
a net, failure can often send lesser acts plummeting to the ground. Nowhere is this more evident
than Nashville, where every waiter is an aspiring
artist.
“We’ve taken this time to really figure out who we
are; really take our career into our own hands,”
says Taylor. “So where we used to view writing as
something we had to do, now we’re writing all the
time. There have been several times where we’re
sitting around the apartment, and we’ll say, ‘Let’s
write a song.’ Usually one of us will have a hook
in mind.”
The Cains debut album “Stay on Board” is available on iTunes, Pandora and Spotify under the
name The Cains Trio. The new EP, once released,
will be simply The Cains. 
Download them now and be prepared to become
an instant fan!
5
already certified her victory). Of McCray’s two
predecessors, one was once also locked out of office by police, and the other had to go to court to
get his mayoral job back after admitting that he
had missed child-support payments.
Suspicions Confirmed
The controversial ex-Greenpeace campaigner who years later turned against the environmental group’s program walked out of an
interview in March for a French documentary
in which he assured viewers that Monsanto’s
Roundup weed killer was safe for humans. “You
can drink a whole quart of it, and it won’t hurt
you,” Patrick Moore told the interviewer for Canal Plus. The interviewer then offered Moore a
swig of Roundup he had on hand. “I’d be happy
to, actually,” Moore reportedly said on camera,
but then quickly changed his mind. “No, I’m not
an idiot.” At that point, Moore declared, the interview was “finished.”
by Chuck Shepherd
The Job of the Researcher
California State University Los Angeles researcher Marc Kubasak spent about 2,500
hours (sometimes 12 hours a day) training 40
brain-damaged rats to walk on a treadmill, after
sewing little vests to tether the critters, suspended, to a robotic arm. His work paid off, though,
according to the February Popular Science magazine, as doctors in Poland and University College
London used his procedures to help a man with a
damaged spine. (In the middle of the project, Kubasak developed a rodent allergy and was forced
to wear a body suit every day with a respirator.)
Ironies
U.K.’s Bedfordshire Police were searching in April for the thief who ran off without paying for his Jesus arm tattoo at the RedINC Luton
studio (to go with his “Only God Can Judge Me”
inking on the other arm.) In fact, the shopkeeper
also believes the man swiped the equivalent of
$1,548 from a cash drawer when he was momentarily alone in the studio.
Former Virginia state Delegate Joseph
Morrissey, already scheduled for trial for submitting false documents in one case, was foiled
in March qualifying for a state Senate primary
because 750 of the 972 voter signatures he submitted were found to be bogus. (Morrissey was
sworn in as delegate in January while wearing an
ankle monitor as part of his sentence for having
sex with an underage girl, but resigned to run for
the Senate.)
Remembrance Technology
In March, the U.S. patent office approved Google’s application covering robot software that mimics human personalities (voice,
mannerisms) using a variety of moods (happiness, fear, surprise) with a notable use that family
members might employ it to continue to “interact” with a loved one after he has passed. One
disquieting possibility might allow a deceased
person to be directed to act in ways that the person never acted while alive.
Entrepreneurship: (1) A curious woman, inspired by her own mother’s attachment to
her unlaundered pillowcases following the death
of her dad, has partnered with France’s Universite
du Havre to produce a person’s bottled scent by
processing old clothing. A September rollout is
planned, with the probable retail price of about
$600. (2) Artist Mark Sturkenboom has described
plans for an even more remarkable remembrance
device (if the deceased is male): a dildo that holds
21 grams of cremated ashes (accessorized, perhaps for non-sexual “cover,” by a necklace and
music player). “After passing,” Sturkenboom explained, “the missing of intimacy” is “one aspect
of the pain and grief.”
Democracy in Action
Just west of Ferguson, Missouri, is
Kinloch (pop. 299), where newly elected mayor
Betty McCray was unable to start work on April
23 because the losing incumbent administration
merely locked her out of City Hall (“impeaching”
her for “voter fraud” in the April 7 election, despite St. Louis County election officials having
6
Is This a Great Country or What?
The owner of a New York City condominium apartment that sold for $100.5 million recently received a property tax reduction of
$360,000 last year -- and is likely to keep receiving reductions over as many as 25 years, based
on “Section 421-a” benefits the state enacted to
encourage “affordable” housing in the most desirable parts of New York City. The tax abatements
are available to developers that promise to create “affordable” units in the same zones (“affordable” to families making under about $40,000 annually), but in recent years, the new “millionaire”
units (with tax breaks) have outnumbered the new
affordable units by about 11-to-1, according to a
February New York Times report, costing the city
over $1 billion a year in revenue.
Bright Ideas
Prison breaks in Latin American countries are often staged with cooperative, corrupt
guards. However, the escape by 28 inmates in
February from the Nova Mutum prison near
Cuiaba, Brazil, was engineered by three makebelieve “dominatrixes” (in police costumes), who
playfully handcuffed the guards, knocked them
out with sedatives and unlocked the cells. (The
guards were found the next day, still handcuffed
and naked.)
Wall Street Miracle: Two March instances of gleaning insight and using it to buy
stock “options” were executed so quickly (1 to 3
seconds each) that experts consulted for a Slate.
com analysis said they couldn’t possibly have
been made by human securities traders. Their
conclusion: A robot so intelligent exists that it
can “read” a news wire report, “analyze” it for
hints whether to place bets on a company’s future
price, and execute the order -- before human traders even finish reading the news report. Profits
on the seconds-long trades: $2.4 million on one
and “between $1 million and $2 million” on the
other.
News of Interest to Immature Readers Only
(1) England’s Tavistock Town Council
hastily changed the wording in March of its helpwanted ad seeking a general maintenance person
(a “hand,” in local jargon); thus, it is no longer
wording the offering as a “general hand job.” (2)
Alaska’s Juneau Empire newspaper announced
on February 26 a rededication ceremony for the
local homeless facility, long known as the Glory
Hole Shelter. (3) In April, the Tisdale, Saskatchewan, town council finally decided, after 60 years,
to alter the widely used and inspiring town slogan
(honoring the canola oil’s parent, the rapeseed) - “Land of Rape and Honey.” (4) A Brazilian student-athlete enrolled at Medicine Hat (Alberta)
College announced he would play the basketball
season under his real Brazilian-German name,
Guilherme F#$% (which he insists is pronounced
foo-kay).
Marital Enhancement
Saudi Arabia’s very first sex accessory
shop (in the holy city of Mecca) should be opening soon, according to news reports -- operated by
a Moroccan Muslim, backed by the German adult
mega-retailer Beate Uhse, and supposedly fully
compliant with Islamic law. Owner Abdelaziz
Aouragh told Agence France-Presse he would
stock 18 different Islam-appropriate toys for mar-
#051415060315
ried couples, along with oils and fragrances that
he said would enhance the marital experience.
(He did not actually describe the toys, but ruled
out U.S. mainstays such as inflatable dolls and
vibrators.) One such “halal” sex shop opened in
Turkey in 2013, and Aouragh’s financial partner
runs a similar enterprise online.
minimum wage ($7.25 an hour). (The statistic,
from a report by the Institute for Policy Studies and reinforced by a University of Michigan
professor using figures from the New York State
Comptroller and the Bureau of Labor Statistics,
was featured in a March New York Times analysis.)
The Continuing Crisis
The February gun-and-baby-carrying
workshop in Johnston, Iowa, was so successful
that instructor Melody Lauer and CrossRoads
Shooting Sports owner Tom Hudson plan more.
Lauer insisted that she does not necessarily encourage a baby-holding mother to arm herself, but
if she chooses to, safety would of course require
that she be familiar with the tricky procedure of
drawing, aiming and firing even though she might
be “wearing” a baby in a sling in front of her
body. Hudson, noting the fast-growing market of
gun sales to women, said scheduling the workshop “was a no-brainer.”
What is believed to be America’s only
hard-nosed “gang” composed only of gay and
transgendered African-Americans hopes to have
its story told soon by filmmakers -- who emphasize the group’s transition from fighters to entrepreneurs working to establish their own clothing
line, according to a March report on advocate.
com. The gang, originally organized for protection (“We gonna get our respect one way or another,” said one), hails from the violent Washington, D.C., Trinidad neighborhood, yet some of the
200 members (in their teens or early 20s) insist
on stilettos, lipstick and mascara (while carrying
knives, brass knuckles and mace).
Wait, What?
In April, a court in Munich, Germany,
ordered a dentist (identified only as “K”) to pay
the equivalent of about $21,000 to patient “Alex
S” for pulling all of his teeth (19) over four weeks
of treatments -- as the remedy for his schizophrenia and erectile dysfunction. The dentist had testified that Alex had too much bone inflammation
for ordinary fillings. K made his own claim for
the equivalent of about $54,000 for the damage
to his professional reputation that the trial had
caused, but the court rejected it.
Questionable Judgments
Pioneering British facial surgeon Ninian Peckitt, 63, facing a Medical Practitioners
Tribunal in Manchester in April, was accused by
a witness of “repeatedly” having punched one patient in the face during a procedure in order to
straighten a fracture. Dr. Peckitt acknowledged
having used his hands to “manipulate” bones in
the patient’s face, calling it a routine surgeryavoiding procedure sometimes required for extensive injuries.
Suspicions Confirmed: Two airport
screeners at Denver International collaborated in
an ongoing ploy in which one, a male, signaled
to a female colleague that he had spotted an attractive male passenger in line that he might like
to grope. The female would then suddenly notice
an “anomaly” in the screening and ask that passenger to stand aside so the male agent could
“inspect” him further -- by genital and posterior
fondling (over his clothing). The two agents were
fired in February after a Transportation Security
Administration investigator, having been alerted
to the scheme, observed it in action.
Inexplicable
From Recent Florida Crime Reports:
(1) Mohammed Almarri, 21, was arrested on
multiple charges in Tampa on April 12 after illegally entering a neighbor’s apartment in a highrise and forcing the owner onto the balcony. For
reasons undisclosed in the police report, Almarri
then allegedly microwaved the man’s wallet in
his oven. (2) Joseph Williams, 35 (and with several pending warrants), was arrested on April 5 in
Fort Pierce, Florida, after entering the emergency
room at Lawnwood Regional Medical Center and
Heart Institute, demanding an enema and refusing
to leave until he got one.
Leading Economic Indicators
In the face of jokes about proliferating
airline charges, the British economy line easyJet added another fee recently. If easyJet, on its
own, cancels a flight, it charges a fee of 10 British pounds (about $15) to notify third parties. The
airline said that even though its own decision created the issue, it must nonetheless cover its costs
to provide cancellation notices to passengers who
miss connections or who need to provide verification to collect on private travel-interruption insurance.
Is This a Great Country or What?
Counting only the pool of bonus money (not regular salaries), employees of New York securities
industries in 2014 earned roughly twice as much
as the total income paid to all employees in the
United States who worked full time at the federal
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
The Redneck Chronicles
(1) Austin Hatfield, 18, reported to an
emergency room in April after being bitten on the
lip by a venomous cottonmouth viper in Wimauma, Florida. According to a fish and wildlife
commission spokesman, Hatfield had been keeping the recently caught snake in an ordinary pillowcase on his bed, and when it got out, Hatfield
(ungracefully) recaptured it. (The bite was not
fatal.) (2) According to witnesses questioned by
the Jacksonville, Florida, Sheriff’s Office (on the
scene after shots had been reported at Murphy’s
Express Gas station in March), one customer had
fired at another, hitting him in the foot, because he
felt that the customer was staring at him while he
pumped gas.
Least Competent Criminals
Nikko Jenkins, convicted of murder in
a 2013 spree and trying to avoid a scheduled sentencing hearing, recently self-mutilated (for the
second time), which he told a judge in Omaha,
Nebraska, was evidence of his mental disorder
that should render him ineligible for death row.
Jenkins told the judge that a “serpent god” had ordered him to carve the “number of the beast” into
his forehead, but apparently because Jenkins was
looking into a mirror as he carved, his forehead
display more resembled an upside-down 999 (or
a lowercase ddd) than it did 666.
Animals in the News
(1) Tidiest Animal: In a February science journal report, a University of Regensburg
(Germany) professor noted that ants seem particularly orderly -- with “toilet” facilities arranged
in far corners of the nests. The researcher speculated that ants keep feces on hand in order to mine
nutrients. (2) Least Competent Beaver: A local
logger telephoned the Agder Natural History museum in Kristiansand, Norway, in April to report
that he had encountered a beaver crushed to death
because it was unable to judge which way the tree
it was gnawing would fall. (Usually, beavers have
an uncanny ability to avoid the tree, but some
stragglers still populate their gene pool.)
World’s Worst Sculptor
It seemed like a good idea when the
town of Celoron, New York, agreed in 2009 to
pay for a bronze statue honoring the village’s only
celebrity. Lucille Ball had spent her childhood
years there, and even today, everyone “Loves
Lucy.” The result was apparently a monstrosity,
described in news reports as “frightening” and
unrecognizable by anyone who has ever watched
Lucy’s TV shows or movies. The original sculptor first suggested a fee of $8,000 to $10,000 to
make a better one, but after Mayor Scott Schrecengost started a fundraising campaign, the sculptor offered to make another one for free.
Wait, What?
Tough Love: A Catholic priest (unnamed in news reports) in Taranto, Italy, was
removed recently after reports that, while attempting to minister to an unemployed laborer,
he arranged for online role-playing in which the
man was Judas and the priest dispatched him to
gay orgies to be punished (for betraying Jesus) by
members of the Vatican security force.
Send your weird news to
WeirdNews at
earthlink dot net,
and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679.
Copyright,
Chuck Shepherd
THE VALLEY PLANET
Zee’s Rocket
City bEAT
by Jim Zielinski
M
ay means many a thing to many a peep:
Mayday and the flight from Walpurgisnacht; Maypoles; Maifest and the Maibowl; and the “Lusty Month of…” In this neck of
the woods, it also means Decatur’s Annual Daikin
Festival [Daikin State Docks Road, Morgan County Fairgrounds; (256) 306-5000; www.decaturcvb.
org]. This year’s, on Friday, 22 May, is the TwentyFirst!
Frolic commences at 6:00 p.m.; anyone arriving at
6:01 will bog down in a queue that implies you and
Bugs took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended
up at Disney World. Promptness pays, as Daikin
bestows upon the first so many attendees a “Happi
Coat,” their somewhat abbreviated take on the kimono. Then on to the comestibles.
Yakisoba to Hanbāgā o kudasai! Shô’ ‘nuff, hëll!
Springtime also throws the focus on raising your
own foodstuffs…and preserving same. Whilst
perusing carnivorous plants and soil conditioners, I unexpectedly espied an above-average canning display at Earth Touch Garden Center [8515
Whitesburg Drive, S; (256) 880-3808; www.earthtouchgc.com]. Your call might encourage you to
cultivate and cure your own cukes. It’s a thought.
Speaking of growing victuals: many moons ago,
I acquired Edible Flowers, from Garden to Palate.
With the seasonal ebb and flow of spring ephemerals and hay fever, pollen bearers are on the mind.
Herewith is EF’s Top Ten List:
1.Calendula
2.
Chive Flowers/Florets
3.Daylily
4.
Mint Flowers
5.Nasturtium
6.Pansy
7.Rose
8.
Sage Flowers
9.
Signet Marigold
10.
Squash Blossoms
We’re talking organic flowers; not those from
florists and nurseries, or picked roadside. Fully
investigate anything you’re considering, and introduce these new foods gradually. In such cases,
one doesn’t dive in…one tests with the big toe. For
instance, certain daylilies are inedible or, at best,
unpalatable, while others happily await your best
chicken salad stuffing. Knowledge is key; taste,
your reward.
A recent survey questions how many “Classic U.K.
Confections” readers have tried and, naturally, I
shared the link with Gary Gee via Facebook. Yes,
if texting is killing grammar, Facebook provides
Extreme Unction for the art of conversation. But
there it is.
Interestingly, this roughly coincided with Hershey’s banning the importation of certain Cadbury
sweets. Yes, the Brobdingnagian chocolatier fears
you’ll mistake a Cadbury candy for their own
products…thus, THE AXE!
Meanwhile, expat and erstwhile Brits, European Market-Anastasia [(256) 882-7710; 2745 Bob Wallace
Avenue, SW; Suite B; www.europeanmarketonline.
com; [email protected]] carries such Anglo-treats as Taveners Jelly Babies; Rowntree’s Fruit
Pastilles; Nestlé Aero; Mars Maltesers; and Fox’s
Glacier Mints to augment Cadbury Dairy Milk.
Big news in the fromage world, courtesy of Susan
“No-Relation-to-Susan-Olivier” Oliver: recent
articles further address the fact that France boasts
a comparatively low rate of coronary disease and
obesity, despite a saturated-fat-saturated diet. (Scientists absentmindedly dubbed this the “French
Paradox,” hardly distinguishing it from all the
other French paradoxes. For our mental stability,
let’s just say “Freedom Paradox.”)
The average Frank downs fifty-seven pounds
of cheese(s) annually. Real cheese(s), not that
processed junk - teeming with salt and other dross
- that most of you engulf. The
consumption of certain quality
cheeses apparently results in
higher levels of the cholesterol-kicking butyrate…then
there’s the anti-inflammatory
and/or probiotic action of still
others. A balanced diet and
physical activity seem to help,
too, but still…pause has been
given.
With that being said, the Downtown Huntsville
Cheese Festival [Historic Huntsville Depot Roundhouse; 320 Church Street, NW @ 398 Monroe
Street, NW; (256) 715-8089; huntsvillecheesefestival.com], from 2:00 – 7:00 p.m., Sunday, 7 June
may be your first step towards immortality.
Carrie Coan promises cheese samples, wine/
craft beer tastings, and stage demos. Tickets, as
of this writing, are $20, benefiting 305 8th Street
[www.3058thstreet.org]. Featured fromagers: 4
Maz Farms; Working Cows Dairy; Day Spring
Dairy; Humble Hearts Farm; and Wright’s Dairy
Farm.
Day Trips:
THIS WEEKEND — Cleveland, TN’s 10th Annual
Maifest [Cleveland Country Club, 345 Kyle Lane,
NW; Facebook; ChristianHoeferleORMS@gmail.
com] runs from 1:00 – 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, 16
May. It’s a nice little jaunt for you and your “Wandersmännchen,” with Semmeln, Sauerkraut, Strudel, Senf, and perhaps Schlag amongst thy rewards.
A la Saint Paddy’s…everybody can be German for
a day. Just don’t Anschluss Ooltewah.
If you need further motivation to trek, or if you’re
of Italian heritage, a jaunt to Elvis Central may be
in the cards. From Thursday – Saturday, 28 – 30
May, the Memphis Italian Festival [Park Avenue
and Mount Moriah; (901) 685-1378;http://memphisitalianfestival.com] brings Bocce Ball, Toasted Ravioli, a “Spaghetti Gravy Contest,” and free
Cooking Demos to the Home of the Blues.
Buon viaggio! And here’s hoping your face
doesn’t fall prey to a hunka, hunka burning mozzarella.
YUM: 5 A’s Restaurant
by Sweet T
O
kie Dokie! So! Gonna write about what I
was lucky enough to FIND! We went “garage sailing”… now
when you do this…you usually leave early...right? Early
morning birds?? And when
ya do...ya git…HONGRY,
right? So instead of getting
all hot n sweaty...I decided...
Hey! Let’s try out this li’l
place we came across…
Now, as you “garage sail”
sometimes you tend to just
follow traffic or just let the
beautiful weather here direct
your hands on the wheel! We
wound up just past Harvest
Rd - Hwy 53….out to a li’l
place called 5 A’s Restaurant
6297 Hwy 53 (Harvest, AL).
Now...we get into the restaurant...its sooo nice and
cool...refreshing after a warm morning scavenging
for the nifty li’l secrets people have brought out to
share.. We go up to the counter…yep everything
is so nice and shiny and clean...it’s one of those
neat COOL places you just wanna sit and have
a breath at... hehe ok ok AND have a bite to eat
without all the heat and getting things prepared
and being over that “hot stove”, or grill OR swatting bugs...cause some of us aren’t as prepared as
others...shhh!
So, we order. Yep, I got lucky enough to order for
both of us! I ordered their gyros (service was with
THE VALLEY PLANET
a smile and fairly quick!) Now the hubby isn’t always inclined to try “new thangs”...but he got one,
also (INSERT BIG SMILE!) Being a Greek eatery place - it is over the top!! The fries were a great
size and great crunch and omgosh, the gyros? The
lamb so tender moist and quite flavorful! The (what
i call cucumber sauce. Not sure if that’s exactly what
it is…will have to do more “studying” up on this)
sauce is refreshing and makes you cool like a summer
breeze and you’re about to jump in the pool kind of
feeling! The lettuce and veggies in it all crunchy as
well and just such a… “almost summertime!” feeling comes on...it’s like you know spring is here and
almost gone.
Now…the hubby who isn’t quite sure what he’s gone
an let himself in for - yet paid less than a 20 for both
our meals - had texted our daughter...wondering if he
was going to be ok after it all...to which (our daughter) “T-bird’ replied that he would enjoy it and if he
didn’t she would love to come eat it for him! So my
hubby...being the dutiful ever loving Southern man
that I was blessed with...took a bite! (INSERT A BIGGER SMILE!) and he… LIKED IT!!! He said he had
never tried Greek but it was tasty and filled him just enough to keep going and…”where do you want to
go next dear?” .... Now! Who doesn’t want to take a hubby to eat and get that kind of question???
So...if you’re out and “garage sailing” and you get hungry around noon...5A’s Restaurant on Hwy 53 is
a terrific place to grab a bite as you continue on searching for that one little thing that will surely fulfil
your household. (WINK WINK) Try it on! You never know if you’ll like it until you at least try!
NOTE: It’s always a good thing to feed the man willing to go on a “Treasure Hunt” with you!
5A’s Restaurant, 6297 AL-53, Harvest, AL 35749
Tuesday - Saturday 10:30 - 9pm, Sun. 11 - 6pm
(256) 852-8089
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
7
Unchained
Maladies
by Ricky Thomason
W
ho’d have thought LBGT would come to
stand for Little Bruce Goes Transjenner?
We live in Mr. and Ms. Potato Head times; we
can alter or replace body parts to correct God’s
mistakes when we were manufactured.
I find it amusing to see and hear
women with off-the-rack racks,
condemn Bruce Jenner for undergoing some “immoral, should be
illegal, slap to the face of God”
body-altering surgery even as the
price tags for fixing God’s mistake
on them flutter in the breeze.
They are in-effect, criticizing Jenner for doing what they have done:
fixing an infallible God’s screw up.
They can accept the fact that God
had a Monday morning hangover
from a “too much water turned to
wine” wedding, reached in the wrong parts bin
and stuck the wrong headlights on them and there
isn’t going to be a dealer recall.
So, they did the Christian thing. They prayed
about it, accepted God’s apology and had the defect fixed for their selves. Kind of odd they cannot
accept that this same God with a drinking problem was hung over again and stuck the wrong
plumbing on Bruce.
Oops, put a spout on that one, should have been
a drain.
Facts are men are jealous creatures. They can’t
get hung over themselves. If they could get rehung, they’d leave three tracks in the sand when
they walked. Perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to
throw our stones at Jenner because he may want
to throw his away.
Charles Manson must be dancing in the streets
like Joe Bongiovani tells us from under that
umbrella-sized Stetson on that hugely irritating
Toyota commercial. Okay, let me rephrase that.
Manson is dancing in a cell which is as close to
the streets as he will ever be again.
It appears Manson’s “Helter Skelter” race war vision and plan is coming to fruition. This current
spate of People v. Police state is a far cry from
the riots some of us witnessed (or participated in)
during the late 60s. The longer of
tooth still recall demonstrations
turned riots and cities were aflame
all across the land.
Political assassinations (JFK,
RFK, and MLK) set the sparks
and police riot on protestors during the 1968 Democratic Convention and the National Guard massacre of students at Kent State
University spring to mind.
to wear and may bring many things to light easily
hidden before. Couple all that with the ubiquitous
cell phone videos, You Tube and other forms of
instantaneous social media and there’s nowhere to
run, nowhere to hide. You can be alone one minute and in the midst of a flash mob the next.
Excessive force by the police is older than the
Billy club. It seems more incidents are happening
than ever before. I believe that to be false. There
are fewer incidents now, but thanks to the ever
watching eye, more are coming to light.
Policemen are necessary and underpaid. Like all
professions they have their bad apples, too. It is a
culture that very, very much discourages the good
officers “ratting” on the bad ones because you can
get a rock dropped on you and the boss you report
them too may be part of the problem.
That said, I think you are dumber than a box of
hammers to burn your own neighborhoods because you have your panties in a wad over this
or that. You are ensuring that those with the least
have even less.
I believe technology has brought
things to a head. When a government controls the information disseminated to the
masses it is easier to keep people ignorant, in the
dark, and easier to control.
Someone just happened to get the Rodney King
beating on tape – and the reaction - and was a kind
of preview of things to come.
Things no longer “just happen” to get recorded.
You are way naive if you don’t realize more of
your public actions are recorded now than not.
One should assume Big Brothers of every ilk
watch, always. We have only begun to see the
ramifications of easily affordable drones, a double edged sword for all.
This goes triple for law enforcement officers.
Dash cams, and body cams all should be required
Kudos to the Baltimore mom who slapped her kid
bald for being out in the street acting a fool and
led him away by the ear in front of his buds. That
is Mother of The year for the upcoming Mother’s
Day.
I cannot deny that people must do something to
bring attention on a real problem and must say
anyone who believes a “police state” is in the offing should know that “their” cause has been dealt
a blow. When a foreign owned FOX took over
much of America’s news media and newspapers
followed suit, information to the people was, and
is constricted for reasons that leave me highly
suspicious at best.
A foreign power has no good interest when they
run the media in another country. My barbaric
yawp will go unheard because I’m no lobbyist.
I don’t have the money to buy the congressional
votes needed to change the law, and let us not forget the moment America as a democracy started a
freefall when corporations with unlimited funds
were declared to be people, too.
Keep filming. You may catch something bad, and
that’s good.
W
elcome to the Jazz Lounge. There are
so many new albums coming out! The
focus for this session is on four-time
Grammy nominee and multi-platinum selling
saxophonist, songwriter, producer Boney James.
He has done it again with a new album called
“futuresoul” just released by Concord Records.
Fusing his love for vintage soul music with his
mastery of modern production, he has created another noteworthy album.
Boney says, “The forms I’m working with are
rooted in my early influences like King Curtis,
the Stylistics, and Earth, Wind & Fire. Recently
I’ve been listening to contemporary artists like
Tinashe, Sam Smith, and Ellie Goulding and I’m
inspired by the sound of their recordings. The production is so cool and evocative. As I started the
new record, I was in my backyard studio messing
around with this ‘gearhead’ stuff I’ve collected.
Ideas started flowing and it sounded like modern
soul music to me. I thought to myself, ‘What is
this?’ Then it hit me: ‘futuresoul’. “
This is Boney James’ 15th album. “futuresoul”
has 10 original songs he produced and wrote or
co-wrote: “Drumline”, “Vinyl”, “A Little Attitude”, “Watchu Gon’ Do About It?”, “Either
Way”, “Hand In Hand”, “Fortuneteller”, “The
Moment”, “futuresoul”, and “Far From Home”.
Mint Condition’s frontman Stokley is featured on
“Either Way”. This collaboration was enabled by
Twitter. Boney says, “Like my recent duet with
Raheem DeVaughn, I was able to meet Stokley on
Twitter and send him the music for this track. He
wrote the brilliant lyrics and sent me a finished
vocal all via email!” Also featured is rising-star
trumpet player Marquis Hill (2014 winner of the
prestigious Thelonious Monk International Trumpet Competition) on “Far From Home”.
Other collaborations on the album are the title
track “futuresoul,” co-written and co-produced
by neo-soul artist Dwele; and “Watchu Gon’ Do
About It?” with co-writer/co-producer Jairus
Mozee (Anthony Hamilton, Robin Thicke).
“futuresoul” is a follow-up to “The Beat” (2013),
nominated for the Grammy for Best Pop Instrumental Album, which prompted The New York
Times to praise “The relaxed charisma of Mr.
James’ tone…” The analog tone of the sax combined with the ‘digital’ sounds of modern production contribute to the sonic tension that fuels
‘futuresoul”.
became seriously interested in music in the mid
‘70s, a very vibrant and freewheeling period for
popular music. Boney says, “You could hear different genres all over the radio. It was a great
time to be a young musician.”
Following early profession gigs , (including sideman stints with Morris Day, The Isley Brothers,
Randy Crawford, and Teena Marie) James released his debut album as a leader called “Trust,”
in 1992.
Over the following 23 years, Boney James has
racked up sales of over 3 million records, four
RIAA gold albums, four Grammy nominations, a Soul Train Award, nominations for two
NAACP Image Awards, and 10 CD’s at the top
of Billboard’s Contemporary Jazz Albums chart.
In 2009, Billboard magazine named him the #3
Contemporary Jazz Artist Of The Decade.
What’s in the future for “futuresoul”? The lead
single from the album “Drumline” is already doing quite well on radio. Boney is on the road now
and will continue touring throughout 2016. You
will certainly want to add this one to your collection.
That’s it for this session of the Jazz Lounge. Remember, I can be reached at: [email protected].
Until next time, stay cool, & keep it jazzy!
Boney James was born in Lowell, Massachusetts, and raised in New Rochelle, New York. He
8
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VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET
FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
May 14 - June 3
© Copyright 2015 Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): The danger of resisting a temptation too strenuously is that the temptation might depart. I suggest that you prevent
that from happening. Without throwing yourself
at the mercy of the temptation, see if you can coax
it to stick around for a while longer. Why? In my
view, it’s playing a useful role in your life. It’s
motivating you to change some things that really
do need to be changed. On the other hand, I’m not
yet sure that it should become anything more than
a temptation. It might serve you best that way, not
as an object of your satisfied desire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My astrological
colleagues discourage me from talking to you
Bulls about financial matters. “Most Tauruses
know ten times more about the mystery of money
than you will ever know,” said one. “Their excellent instincts trump any tips you could offer.” Another astrologer concurred, noting, “The financial
advice you give Tauruses will at best be redundant and at worst simplistic.” A third colleague
summed it up: “Offering Tauruses guidance about
money is like counseling Scorpios about sex.” So
although I’m shy about providing recommendations, I will say this: The next five weeks will be
a favorable time to set in motion the plans to GET
RICHER QUICKER!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “Endings to be useful
must be inconclusive,” wrote science fiction novelist Samuel R. Delany. I endorse that theory for
your use in the coming weeks. Interweave it with
this advice from playwright Sam Shepard: “The
temptation towards resolution, towards wrapping
up the package, seems to me a terrible trap. Why
not be more honest with the moment? The most
authentic endings are the ones which are already
revolving towards another beginning.” In other
words, Gemini, don’t be attached to neat finales
and splashy climaxes. Consider the possibility
that you can simply slip free of the complicated
past and head toward the future without much
fanfare.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): In mythic terms,
you should be headed for the winner’s circle,
which is inside the pleasure dome. The parade in
your honor should follow the award ceremony,
and let’s hope you will be on the lead float wearing a gold crown and holding a real magic wand
while being sung to by a choir of people you love
and who love you. If for any reason you are not
experiencing some version of these metaphors, I
urge you to find out why. Or better yet, get busy
on planning a homecoming or graduation party or
award ceremony for yourself. From an astrological perspective, you have a mandate to be recognized and appreciated for the gifts you offer the
world.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): British Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley was a brilliant military commander. Renowned for his ability to beat larger armies,
he also had great skill at minimizing loss of life
among his own troops. His most famous triumph
took place in 1815, when he led the forces that defeated Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo. In the aftermath, the French tyrant lost his power and went
into exile. What was the secret of Wellesley’s success? “Bonaparte’s plans were made in wire,” he
said. “Mine were made in string.” In other words,
Wellesley’s strategy was more flexible and adaptable. As circumstances changed, it could be rearranged with greater ease. That’s the approach I
recommend for you in the coming days.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You may not be
strong enough to take a shot at a daunting challenge that’s five levels beyond your previous best.
But I think you are at least ready to try a tricky
challenge that’s one level higher than where you
have been operating. And that, in my opinion, is
a more practical use of your courage. I think it
would be a waste of your energy to get wrapped
up in grandiose fantasies about impossible perfections. As long as you don’t overreach, you can accomplish small miracles.
THE VALLEY PLANET
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I suspect you are about
to experience some prime contenders for The Most
Unusual Adventures of 2015. Are you thoroughly
prepared? Of course not. There’s no way you can
be totally ready to adapt to unpredictable wrinkles
and change your mind at a moment’s notice. But
that’s exactly what will make these experiments
so fun. That’s why they will be effective in building up your resilience and willpower. For best
results, apply your nighttime thinking to daytime
activities, and vice versa. Spend minimal time on
responsibilities that don’t teach you noble truths
about your fellow madmen and madwomen. Now
here’s my big question: How can you tap into the
extra power you will need during your rite of passage?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Many modern astronomers are allergic to astrology, but from my
perspective there is no inherent conflict between
the two fields. Four of history’s greatest astronomers were practicing astrologers, after all: Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Tycho Brahe, and
Pierre Gassendi. One of my friends in college, a
Scorpio woman named Martha Maiden, is a firstrate astrologer who got a degree in astronomy and
became a top scientist at NASA. In the spirit of
finding reconciliation between apparent opposites, I’m happy to say that you are now a virtual
virtuoso in your ability to reconcile both apparent
opposites and actual opposites. I invite you to use
this aptitude with flair and daring.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarian
Matt Stutzman competes in the sport of archery.
He’s the world’s record holder for longest accurate shot, having hit a target 230 yards away.
What makes his accomplishment so extraordinary
is the fact that he was born without any arms. He
holds each arrow in his mouth and grasps the bow
with his right foot and the help of a chest harness. In the spirit of this armless archer, and in
accordance with your current astrological omens,
I invite you to initiate an attempt to triumph over
one of your so-called disadvantages.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Long before
Lou Reed recorded the song “Walk on the Wild
Side,” Nelson Algren wrote a novel titled A Walk
on the Wild Side. It depicts the luxuriant depravity of New Orleans’ French Quarter in the 1930s.
One of Algren’s most enduring bits of spiritual advice goes as follows: “Never, ever, no matter what
else you do in your whole life, never sleep with
anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.”
What do you think of that, Capricorn? Even if you
don’t regard it as a universal rule that you should
unfailingly obey, I suggest you observe it in the
coming weeks. For the sake of your mental hygiene, be extra discerning about what influences
you absorb -- not just in bed, but everywhere.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The cosmos has
authorized you to be hungrier than usual. You
may also feel free to respond to your enhanced
hunger with an extra aggressive quest to be fed.
Therefore: Be voracious! Risk being avid, ardent,
and even agog. Fill yourself up with pudding,
pleasure, praise, peace, perks, and privileges.
Anything else you’d like to engorge? If some unenlightened person questions your right to claim
the biggest piece and the sweetest taste and the
best fuel, inform them that your astrologer says
you have ultimate permission.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Is there an interesting ally whose path rarely crosses yours? Do
you draw inspiration from a like-minded dynamo
who is not fully available? Has fate kept you
and a friend from getting as close as you would
wish? According to my reading of the astrological omens, relationships like these could become
more substantial in the coming weeks. The dream
of a more robust connection could ripen into an
opportunity to actually collaborate. So be alert for
the openings, and be prepared to do what’s necessary to go deeper.
Homework: Imagine that everything important
you know is condensed into a single symbol or
image. What is it? FreeWillAstrology.com.
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VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
9
Thursday, May 14
BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson
BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Cheryl Llewellyn
FURNITURE FACTORY, Big Daddy Kingfish
GUADALAJARA GRILL (DECATUR), DJ Jammin Jeff
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Jeff and Gabe
HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke
HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke
HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Rick Carter
JUNO, Alex Shor
LONE GOOSE, Traci Traci Music Communion
MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/
Jim McGriff
MOE’S BBQ (CULLMAN), Karaoke w/ Megan
MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke
PINCHI’S 2, Hitmaster D Karaoke
SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin
SPORTS PAGE, 5ive O’clock Charlie
THE BRICK DELI, Julian Carter
THE DOCKS (SCOTTSBORO), Trey Browder
THE FOYER, Songwriters Nite
THE HOT SPOT, Bike Night w/ Live Music
THE STEM AND STEIN, Josh Allison
VOODOO LOUNGE, Open Mic
Friday, May 15
11TH FRAME, Damn Skippy
AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, The Mersey Band
BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Red Headed Step Child
BELOW THE RADAR, Flannel Umbros
BISHOP’S EAST, Fuzzy Gouda
BISHOP’S WEST, Hitmaster D Karaoke
COPPERTOP, Bruiser Queen
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Unbroken
EL HERRADURA, Edgar
FURNITURE FACTORY, Trick Zipper, Travis Posey
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Gray, Black & White
HOPPER’S, Crush
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Seminole Strut
JUNO, Dave McConnell Trio
LEEANN’S, Groove
LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ KJ Aubrey
LONE GOOSE, Roscoe
LOWE MILL (CONCERTS ON THE DOCK), Stoop Kids
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Hannah Dasher
Jim McGriff
SPORTS PAGE, Black Label, Blood River, & Jimmy R
Band, Johnny and the Blackframes
STRAIGHT TO ALE, Dawn Osborne Band
THE BRICK DELI, Group 6
THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke
THE STEM AND STEIN, Alex Dietrich
VOODOO LOUNGE, 45 Surprise
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Amit & Carter
Hump Day at
Humphrey’s
Every
Wednesday!
Saturday, May 16
11TH FRAME, Get Live-Get Loud-Get Local
AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, Karaoke
BELOW THE RADAR, Robby Eichman
BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Astronomical Blues Society
BRIDGESTREET, The Tennessee River Gamblers
CD’S PUB, Hitmaster D Karaoke
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Big Daddy Kingfish
FURNITURE FACTORY, CBDB, The Vagabonds, The
Bama Gamblers, B.B. Palmer & Kudzu, and, Chris
Simmons Trio
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Doubleshot
HOPPER’S, Space Donkeys
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Kings Haze
JUNO, Pete Harrison Trio
LAS TROJAS, Edgar
LEEANN’S, Real Deal
LONE GOOSE, Fatso
LOWE MILL, Old City Buskers
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Seducing Alice
Jim McGriff
NICK’S RISTORANTE, Dave McConnell
STRAIGHT TO ALE, The Robertsons
THE HOT SPOT, Behind the Wire
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Astronomical
Blues Society
Sunday, May 17
BELOW THE RADAR, Tim Cannon
EAGLES (DECATUR), Hitmaster D Karaoke
THE BRICKHOUSE, Chaka Boom 
VOODOO LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ DJ Brandon
10
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VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
Monday, May 18
BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Robby Eichman
COPPERTOP, Karaoke w/ DJ Wes
FURNITURE FACTORY, Open Jam w/ Andrew
Johnson and Clay O’Dell
Jim McGriff
SPORTS PAGE, Gus Hergert
THE BRICKHOUSE, DJ Jammin Jeff Karaoke
VOODOO LOUNGE, James Irvin
Tuesday, May 19
BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Josh Allison
ENVY ENTERTAINMENT & RESTAURANT, Jazz N
Swing/ DJ
FIG LEAF COSTUMES (SEE AD PG.5), Fireships
FURNITURE FACTORY, Karaoke w/ Super Lou
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Tyler Ak
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Hitmaster D Karaoke
Jim McGriff
MOODY MONDAYS, Open Mic
MVP SPIRITS, Josh Allison
SPORTS PAGE, Chelvis and the Bean
VOODOO LOUNGE, Dave Anderson
Wednesday, May 20
BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Microwave Dave
CD’S PUB, DJ Jeff
FURNITURE FACTORY, Band Search
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Tim Cannon
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Donnie Cox
JUNO, Pete Harrison
Jim McGriff
MVP SPIRITS, Open Mic w/ Christian Lee
NICK’S RISTORANTE, Josh Allison
THE FOYER, Open Mic
VOODOO LOUNGE, Dr. Whateva
Thursday, May 21
BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Alex Dieterich
FURNITURE FACTORY, Drivin Under
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Leslie
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), My Brother the Bear
JUNO, Alex Shor
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Billy
Smith-Free Range
Jim McGriff
THE BRICK DELI, Melissa Daniel Bayne
THE STEM AND STEIN, Matt Ennis
VERTICAL HOUSE RECORDS, ST 2 Lettaz (from GSide), T-Prince (Tuscaloosa Hip Hop), DJ E-Lyte
Friday, May 22
BELOW THE RADAR, Gus Hergert
BLUE PANTS BREWERY, The Trainwrecks
BURRITT ON THE MOUNTAIN, Mambo Gris Gris
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), No Recess
EL HERRADURA, Edgar
FURNITURE FACTORY, Travis Posey, Duane Walker
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), DJ K Goode
HOPPER’S, Groove
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Them Damn Dogs
JUNO, Dave McConnell Trio
LEEANN’S, Crush
LONE GOOSE, The Cracker Jacks
LOWE MILL (CONCERTS ON THE DOCK), Deering
and Down
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Matt Prater
Jim McGriff
music cont. on pg. 11
THE VALLEY PLANET
music cont. from pg. 10
SPORTS PAGE, Kings Haze
THE BRICK DELI, Shannon Woods
THE STEM AND STEIN, Jason Cunningham
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Aaron Bradley
Saturday, May 23
BELOW THE RADAR, Marco Polo
COPPERTOP, ThreatPoint
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Geoff and Brian
FURNITURE FACTORY, FD/DC & Christian Lee
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Unbroken
HOPPER’S, Groove
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Dash Board Rose
JUNO, Keith Taylor Trio
LAS TROJAS, Edgar
LEEANN’S, Sweet Root
LONE GOOSE, Charlie Howell and Southbound
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Thad & Co.
Jim McGriff
SPORTS PAGE, Jacob Stieful Band
STRAIGHT TO ALE, Divide By Zero and Bucked Up
THE BRICK DELI, Roosevelt Franklin
THE HOT SPOT, Horizon
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Tyler AK
Sunday, May 24
BELOW THE RADAR, Alan Little
Monday, May 25
COPPERTOP, Karaoke w/ DJ Wes
VOODOO LOUNGE, Josh Allison
Tuesday, May 26
ENVY, Jazz N Swing/ DJ
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Aaron Bradley
JUNO, Dave McConnell Sinatra Review
Jim McGriff
Wednesday, May 27
CD’S PUB, DJ Jeff
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Trey Morgan
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Tim Cannon
JUNO, Pete Harrison
Jim McGriff
SPORTS PAGE, Drew Richter
THE FOYER, Open Mic
Friday, May 29
BELOW THE RADAR, Matt Carroll
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Blues Power
EL HERRADURA, Edgar
FURNITURE FACTORY, Johnny Collier Band &
Andrew Sharpe
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Kozmic Mama
HOPPER’S, Emily Joseph Band
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Dirk Quinn Band
JUNO, Dave McConnell Tio
LEEANN’S, Space Donkeys
LONE GOOSE, Moon Pie
LOWE MILL, Cigar Box Festival
LOWE MILL (CONCERTS ON THE DOCK), The
Mulligan Brothers, April Mae and the June Bugs
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Trippin Dixie
Jim McGriff
SALTY NUT BREWERY, Digital Leather, Shock
SPORTS PAGE, David Hollan & The Bootleggers
THE BRICK DELI, Ben Parker Project
THE STEM AND STEIN, Falcon Punch
VOODOO LOUNGE, Tony Perdue and
the Devastators
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Cadillac Sparrow
Saturday, May 30
BELOW THE RADAR, Chris Stalcup
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Hot Rod Otis
FURNITURE FACTORY, Charlie Howell, Southbound
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Groove
HOPPER’S, Emily Joseph Band
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Seducing Alice
JUNO, Pete Harrison Trio
LAS TROJAS, Edgar
LEEANN’S, Astronomical Blues Society
LONE GOOSE, Kings Haze
LOWE MILL, Cigar Box Festival
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Free Range
Jim McGriff
NICK’S RISTORANTE, Dave McConnell
SPORTS PAGE, Space Donkeys
STRAIGHT TO ALE, Dawn Osborne, Andrew Sharpe,
Ashlyn Maine, Josh & Judy Allison, .45 Surprise,
Christian Lee
YELLOWHAMMER BREWERY, Beasley Brothers
Sunday, May 31
BELOW THE RADAR, Tim Cannon
Thursday, May 28
BLUE PANTS BREWERY, The Flannel Umbros
FURNITURE FACTORY, Doubleshot
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Geoff and Brian
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Gus Hergert
JUNO, Alex Shor
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Tom
Jim McGriff
THE VALLEY PLANET
THE BRICK DELI, Josh Allison
THE STEM AND STEIN, Christian Lee
Monday, June 1
COPPERTOP, Karaoke with DJ Wes
JUNO, Dave McConnell Sinatra Review
VOODOO LOUNGE, James Irvin
Wednesday, June 3
CD’S PUB, DJ Jeff
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Tim Cannon
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Big Shoals
Jim McGriff
THE FOYER, Open Mic
Thursday, June 4
FURNITURE FACTORY, Big Daddy Kingfish
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Microwave Dave and
the Nukes
Jim McGriff
THE STEM AND STEIN, Abigail Lee
Friday, June 5
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Fuzzy Gouda
EL HERRADURA, Edgar
FURNITURE FACTORY, Black Eyed Susan, Travis Posey
HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Crush
HOPPER’S, Peter and the Wolfe
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), 45 Surprise
LONE GOOSE, Tony Perdue and the Devastators
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Tequila Falls
Jim McGriff
STRAIGHT TO ALE, Matthew Frantz
THE STEM AND STEIN, Seducing Alice
VOODOO LOUNGE, Kings Haze
Saturday, June 6
DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.11), Steady Rollers
FURNITURE FACTORY, Crush
HOPPER’S, Peter and the Wolfe
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Festival Expressions
LAS TROJAS, Edgar
LONE GOOSE, Twickenham Sam
MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Blue Handle Band
Jim McGriff
THE BRICK DELI, Trick Zipper
THE STEM AND STEIN, Jim Cavender
Sunday, June 7
Tuesday, June 2
ENVY, Jazz N Swing/ DJ
HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Winslow Davis
JUNO, Pete Harrison
Jim McGriff
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE END!
W��
E��bo��
El�� G�e�!
ENTERTAINMENT
FRI 05/15 - UNBROKEN
SAT 05/16 - BIG DADDY
KINGFISH
FRI 05/22 - NO RECESS
SAT 05/23 - GEOFF & BRIAN
FRI 05/29 - BLUES POWER
SAT 05/30 - HOT ROD OTIS
FRI 06/05 - FUZZY GOUDA
SAT 06/06 - STEADY ROLLERS
FRI 06/12 - DAMN SKIPPY
SAT 06/13 - MR. CROWLEY
FRI 06/19 - DRIVEN UNDER
SAT 06/20 - UNBROKEN
FRI 06/26 - SPACE DONKEYS
SAT 06/27 - BUCKED UP
TRIVIA
Every Tuesday – 7:30 PM &
Every Friday – 6:30 PM
T�� Pla��
T� B�
S��
S�u��
H�nt��!
Meadowbrook Shopping Center
11208 Memorial Parkway SW
Huntsville, AL 35803
Must Be 21
with Valid ID
11
June 6th, 2015
10:00 am - 11:00pm
Wartrace, TN
Two stages of music headlined by The Midnight Riders,
a musical tribute to The Allman Brothers Band.
Arts & Crafts Vendors, Kid’s Zone, Barbeque, Classic Cars,
Fireworks Show, Rough Camping (no fires).
Admission: Adults $5, Children 12 & Under FREE
www.wartracemusicfest.org
(931) 389-6144
www.facebook.com/wartracemusicfest
Festhalle in Huntspatch:
Hildegard’s Biergarten!
by Jim Zielinski
A
chtung! If you haven’t visited Hildegard’s Biergarten,
why not?
One situation that hasn’t helped
concerns signage. Mikawa Restaurant, former tenants, maintained a
sign on the corner of Heathland and
University drives. For whatever reason, The City wouldn’t allow Hildegard’s to erect their sign where the
other once stood, although the signposts were still in place.
Concerned citizens complained
about the inequity. Instead of rectifying the situation and helping the
small business, The City removed
the signposts…and won’t even trim the bushes
impeding the view of potential customers.
Well, despite this small-town miasma of ignorance, der Biergarten in general and Sabine Collins in particular welcomed us with open arms.
For the Kinder, a Chicken Schnitzel, Brat, or
Grilled Cheese with Fries costs a mere $6. Then,
as soon as your waif downs the sammy, go home
and punch yourself in the face for raising someone that would visit a German restaurant and order Grilled Cheese.
And such an open atmosphere, to match!
Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome! The area
seems abloom…the tables are situated to allow
for larger groups - birthday, going-away, reunion,
and other celebratory crowds take note - as well
as more intimate seatings. Schlager Muzik greets
you, giving tuneful credence to the observation
that “Hildy Junior” perpetuates an Oktoberfest
atmosphere. (BTW, the original Hildegard’s remains open.)
Tam-Tam Fichtl and I began with the Aufschnitt
Teller, a mélange of European cold cuts, a baguette, and the texturally satisfying Feldkamp
bread. Though items will periodically rotate
(cheeses, hoffentlich), included were Mushroom
Delight (Champignon-laden Veal Bologna); Jagdwurst (“Ham Bologna,” somewhat reminiscent
of Mortadella), cloverleaf-shaped Mailänder Salami (Milano-styled Smoked Pork), and Blood
Sausage.
To heighten the conviviality, live music occasionally augments the piped-in variety. Case in point,
the “Eins Zwei Duo,” whose jaunty polkas, Schunkel waltzes (the famed link-arms-and-sway
style), and tangos may well inspire you to throw
caution to the winds and break into a Vogeltanz, the omnipresent German “Chicken Dance”
which, ironically, originated in Switzerland and
concerned a duck.
Not to be commonplace, but our entrées were
Weiner Schnitzels, though Tam’s was of the Cordon Bleu school, stuffed with Ham and Jarlsberg,
while mine (Jägerschnitzel) sported Mushroom
Gravy. She ordered Pan-fried Potatoes, whereas I
craved Spätzle…‘twas superior; no carb screams
“Vaterland” as vociferously as this noodle-dumpling hybrid. We devoured everything at lightning
speed (Wolf Blitzer).
One instinctively feels the call to race home and
shoehorn into their Lederhosen.
And then…the food. Along with your faves, HB
focuses on simpler, quicker meals and Hessian potables. Undoubtedly, they’ve the biggest German
beer selection of any Deutsche restaurant around;
their top-selling drafts are Tucher and Spaten.
Technically, “Nachtisch” means “after table,” or
after the main dish. Homemade offerings follow:
Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte (literally, Black Forest Cherry Torte); Deutsche Schockoladen Torte
(German Chocolate Cake - named for Sam German and not, in fact, for the country in which
it did not, in fact, originate); Apfelstrudel; and
Käse-Sahne Torte (Cheesecake).
Look for various Schwein, Kalb, and Huhn (Pork,
Veal, and Chicken) Schnitzels…and a good sausage selection: Knackwurst (Beef/Veal), Bratwurst (Pork/Veal), Rauchwurst (Smoked Pork/
Veal); and Bierbratwurst (self explanatory, nicht
wahr?).
Apfelstrudel it was, layered with Apples, Almonds, and Walnuts, and topped with Vanilleeis.
Ist das nicht ein sufficient excuse to link arms
and sing “Eins, Zwei, G’ssufa”? Or at least to ask
whether Vanilla Ice is of German descent? Wort
to your Mutti.
Norm MacDonald always reminds us that Germans love David Hasselhoff…he should have
added “and CURRY KETCHUP.”
Hereabouts, German and Alabamian heritage
have intertwined for decades; it’s perplexing that
no one offers Knackwurst and Biscuit. Let’s hope
Jack’s falls prey to Lebensraum.
WHAT?!
The Midnight Riders
When we lived in West Germany, a request for
ketchup with Pommes Frites (French Fries) was
met with a blank stare, if not disdain. But now it’s
apparently ketchup, ketchup, everywhere. Among
the lighter options, one finds Currywurst, as well
as Wurst Shashlik, a Bratwurst/Rauchwurst Kabob with…Curry Ketchup. Then again, you can
get fries covered with Gulasch!
Other exemplary fare includes Kasseler Rippchen (Smoked Pork Chop), Geräucherte Forelle
(Smoked Trout), Gebackene Schweinshaxe
(Baked Ham Hock), and Frikadellen (Minced
Pork Patties) with…you guessed it…Curry
Ketchup! A big seller, Halbes Hähnchen (HalfChicken), is cooked fresh, requiring a 30-minute
wait…and customers are willing.
Sides include Rotkohl (DELICIOUS, Shredded,
Braised Red Cabbage), Kartoffelsalat (Warm German Potato Salad), Bratkartoffel (Fried Taters),
und so weiter und sofort (and so on and so forth).
12
#051415060315
One of many Hildegardian Schnitzel Selections
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
Meanwhile, add Hildegard’s Biergarten to your
must-tries. It’s a stein’s throw from, and hidden
by, Landers McClarty Subaru. Had they called it
Belk’s Biergarten, you’d have been led there by a
media flurry…and maybe even a marquee on the
main drag.
…Talk about wanting to throw steins. At mugs.
Hildegard’s Biergarten
1010 Heathland Drive, NW (at University Drive
and Old Monrovia Road)
(256) 513-8260
www.hildegardsgermamcuisine.com
• Sunday – Monday, CLOSED
• Tuesday – Thursday, 11:00 a.m. – 9:00 p.m.
• Friday - Saturday, 11:00 a.m. – 10:00 p.m.
THE VALLEY PLANET
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Thursday, May 14
The exhibit, Dinosaurs Alive! will be at the Imagination Place Children’s Museum now through August 3.
$8. www.culruralarts.com, 256-543-2787.
The Time Travel Adventure Exhibit will be at the
Burritt Museum through September 20th and the
exhibit: From Cotton to the Cosmos, A Huntsville Retrospective will be on display through September 6th.
www.burrittonthemountain.com.
HealthWorks Farmers Market will be from 7:30 12pm at Plaza Resource Center at Huntsville Hospital.
The Green Street Market will be every Thursday in
downtown Huntsville. Free.
Madison City Farmers Market will be from 8am
- 12pm at 1088 Hughes Road in Madison. It will be
every Saturday now through October. Free.
The Madison Youth Football and Cheer registration
dates are open online at www.MadisonYFC.org, now
through July 18th.
The Huntsville/Madison County Public Safety Agencies present Senior Crime Prevention Academy
from 1 - 4pm every Thursday through May 28th. Free.
256-859-3919.
The MidSouth Chapter of Alzheimer’s Association
will have a presentation at 4pm at the Bessie K. Russell Branch on Sparkman Drive. Free.
www.hmcpl.org.
The US Space & Rocket Center will have the exhibit
The Robot Zoo now through September 13.
www.rocketcenter.com.
Thursday Night Bike Rides will be from 4 - 8pm meeting at the Green Street Market Downtown. It will be
every Thursday through October. Free.
The Huntsville Botanical Gardens will have the exhibit Nature Connects Lego Bricks through July 26
and the Butterfly House Garden is now open.
www.hsvbg.org, 256-830-4447.
The Huntsville Museum of Art will have the exhibits, Dori DeCamillis now through June 14th, John
James Audubon: Quadrupeds of North America now
through June 27th and the Huntsville Photographic
Society: 2015 Members’ Showcase through September 20th. www.hsvmuseum.org.
The Athens State University Homecoming 2015 Dinner and Dancing will be at Athens State University
at 7pm. $30. 256-233-8185, [email protected].
May 14 – 16
Theatre Huntsville presents the play Leading Ladies
at the VBC Playhouse on Thursday and Friday at
7:30pm and 2pm and 7:30pm on Saturday. $18.
www.yourseatiswaiting.org.
Friday, May 15
A Watercolor Class with Yuri Ozaki will be from 5:30
- 7:30pm in Studio 307 of Lowe Mill. $30. Also offered
every Friday through June 5. www.lowemill.net.
Maggie Meyer’s Irish Pub will have Trivia Night every Thursday. www.maggiemeyersirishpub.com.
There will be a Kids Painting Party: Outer space, from
6 - 7:30pm at the ChromAddict Studio 2025 of Lowe
Mill. $25. 256-683-5554, www.lowemill.net.
The Kind Society, located at 403 Pratt Avenue, will
have The Society Cypers open mic freestyle cypher.
www.kindsociety.net.
The 6th Annual John Riche Memorial Golf Classic presented by 100 Black Men of America will be
at Huntsville Country Club from 7:30am - 2pm.
www.100bmoa2015evanbrite.com.
The 3rd Friday Fashion Show will be at Casa Grande
Park, 218 2nd Avenue in Decatur. Free. [email protected], 256-345-6528.
There will be a Food Truck Rally/ Street Food Gathering from 6 - 9pm on Church Street in downtown
Huntsville. Free.
http://www.downtownhuntsville.org.
The Tennessee Valley Civil War Round Table “John
Bell Hood: The Rise, Fall, and Resurrection of a Confederate General” will be at 6:30pm at the Elks Lodge.
Free. 256-278-5533.
Creating an Image for Screen Printing will be from 6 7pm at Green Pea Press Studio 122 of Lowe Mill. $20.
www.lowemll.net.
Japanimation with Paul Rufe will be from 4 - 5pm at
the Huntsville Art League Studio 2013 of Lowe Mill.
It will be every Thursday in May.256-339-6432
www.lowemll.net.
The Athens State Alumni Association Golf Classic will
be at Canebrake Golf Club. Shotgun will start at 1pm.
Golf Classic Lunch at the Clubhouse for $10. 256-2338185,[email protected].
MEMPHIS
May 16, Beck, Mud Island Amphitheatre
May 29, Jerry Seinfeld, The Orpheum Theatre
NASHVILLE
May 17, Jeff Beck, Ryman Auditorium
May 17, Paramore, Grand Ole Opry
May 19, Rubblebucket, Vacationer, Mercy Lounge
May 23, Weird Al Yankovic, Ryman Auditorium
May 27, The Tallest Man on Earth, Ryman Auditorium
May 30, Ricky Smiley & Friends, Ryman Auditorium
June 6 – 11, CMA Music Festival, LP Field
TUSCALOOSA
May 10, John Fogerty, Tuscaloosa Amphitheatre
June 3, Dave Matthews Band, Tuscaloosa Amphitheatre
June 5, Old School Fest, Tuscaloosa Amphitheatre
June 7, Steve Miller Band, Tuscaloosa Amphitheatre
Bike Fest will be at Big Spring Park from 11am - 3pm.
There will be bikes, music and food trucks. Free.
http://www.downtownhuntsville.org.
3rd Friday in Downtown Decatur will be from 5 9pm. Enjoy dining, shopping, music, artists and vendors. http://www.decaturdowntown.org.
The 6th Annual Mayor’s Bicycle Ride will be from 10
-11am beginning at Big Spring Park.
Wolfe Birds™ at The Gift Shop in the Carnegie Visual Arts will be on display now through June 13th.
www.thewolfestudio.com.
The 31st Annual Poke Salad Festival will be in Downtown Arab, 48 North Main Street. Free.
Stein and Dine will be at the US Space & Rocket Center Biergarten every Thursday from 4:30 - 7:30pm.
www.rocketcenter.com.
HUNTSVILLE
May 17, Gladys Knight, VBC Concert Hall
Alright Bayou Comedy is a standup comedy show
every 1st, 3rd, and 5th Friday at 8pm at Tim’s Cajun
Kitchen. $5.
Thursday Night Swing will be at the Flying Monkey
Theatre from 6:30 – 10pm (every Thursday.)
www.flyingmonkeyarts.org, www.huntsvilleswing.com.
Harmony Park Animal Safari will have self-guided
tours daily 10am until sundown. 877-726-4625. 431
Clouds Cove Rd. $8
BIRMINGHAM
May 30, Florida Georgia Line, Oak Mountain Amphitheatre
June 3, Train, Oak Mountain Amphitheatre
Clockwork Comedy, hosted by Sam Ashby, will be
at 8pm at Prototype Multimedia in Lowe Mill. $10.
www.lowemill.net.
May 15 - 16
The 33rd Annual Limestone Sheriff’s Rodeo will be
this weekend at the Limestone Sheriff’s Rodeo Arena
Alabama Highway 99 Athens, AL.
www.limestonesheriffrodeo.com.
Gentle Yoga will be at the Huntsville-Madison Library from 11:30 - 12:45pm. www.hmcpl.org.
ATLANTA
May 14, Toro Y Moi, Variety Playhouse
May 22, Dianna Ross, Chastain Park
May 26, Billy Idol, The Tabernacle
May 26, The Psychedelic Furs, Variety Playhouse
May 27, Purity Ring, Buckhead Theatre
May 30, Dave Matthews, Aaron’s Amphitheatre
June 4, Third Eye Blind, Dashboard Confessional, Chastain Park
Parents Night Out will be at Sci-Quest from 6 – 10pm.
www.sciquest.org.
The Shirts-n-Skirts square dance club will have dancing on the 1st & 3rd Thursdays of the month at the
Dance Factory on Freeman Ave., then on the 2nd
& 4th Thursdays at the Athens Recreation Center on
Hwy 31. 256 423-4141, www.shirts-n-skirts.com.
Duos and Solos Square Dance Club will be offering lessons to couples and singles every Thursday
at 6:30pm at the Tom Bevill Enrichment Center in
Rainsville, AL. www.duosandsolos.com.
REGIONAL CONCERTS
SoulStock 2015 will be on the Spirit of America field
in Point Mallard Park. It will feature Sadie Roberts
and Christian performers including a Grammy award
winning band, a rap artist, and Americana and pop
rock bands along with a handful of other Christian
bands. Gates open at 6pm on Friday.
www.soulstock.com.
May 15 - 17
Blue Moon Weekend will be in the UAH Student
Center. There will be Contra Dances and live music
by The Mean Lids and calling by Seth Tepfer. 256-8370656. http://www.secontra.com/NACDS.html.
Saturday, May 16
The Artist Market will be every Saturday from 12
– 4pm at the Flying Monkey. Free.
www.flyingmonkeyarts.org.
The City of Guntersville and the North town Merchants
will be hosting artists and craft vendors for Mayfest in
downtown Guntersville.
[email protected], 256-202-3725.
The Madison City Farmers Market will be from 8am noon at 1008 Hughes Road in Madison. It will be every
Saturday through October. 256-656-7841.
Saturday Fitness Classes in Big Spring Park East
will be every Saturday through August 29th from 10
- 11am.
Renaissance Theatre will have auditions for Don’t
Dress for Dinner Auditions at 2pm.
www.renaissancetheatre.net.
The 14th Annual Crime Stoppers Charity Auction
will be at Redstone Federal Credit Union, 220 Wynn
Drive from 12 – 4pm. (See ad pg.20)
A New Leash on Life will have dogs and cats available for adoption every Saturday from 12 – 4pm at Pet
Smart on Carl T. Jones. www.anewleash.org.
There will be a Planetarium Show every Saturday
night at 7:30pm at the Planetarium. www.vbas.org.
Picking and Grinning will be every Saturday from 6
– 9pm at the New Hope Senior Center on Church
Street. 256- 723-2208.
There will be a Digital Painting Class from 10am
– 12pm in Studio 318 of Lowe Mill. It will be every Saturday through June 6. $49. www.lowemill.net.
Relay For Life of Huntsville Metro will be at John Hunt
Park & Cross Country Running Trail from 3 - 11pm.
The Model Train Show and Sale will be at Weatherly
Heights Baptist Church from 8:30am - 1pm.
256-883-2865.
Homeland Security BASS Fishing Tournament will
be at Ingalls Harbor in Decatur with a 2pm weigh in.
www.decaturparks.com.
May 16 - 19
There will be a baseball game the Biloxi Shuckers vs.
the Jacksonville Suns at Joe Davis Stadium.
228-233-3465.
Sunday, May 17
There will be a Kids Art Class from 1 - 2pm in Denise
Onwere’s Studio 314 of Lowe Mill. $75. Every Sunday
through June 7th. www.lowemill.net.
The Docent-led Public Tour of John James Audubon:
The Viviparous Quadrupeds of North America will be
at the Huntsville Museum of Art at 2pm.
www.hsvmuseum.org.
History & Mystery Tour will be from 2 - 4:30pm in the
Twickenham Historic District. 256-551-2226.
Monday, May 18
There will be a Monday Night Women’s Ride (every
Monday) at 5:30pm. Meet at the MSSP Biker’s Parking Lot. 256-585-0905.
Your Yoga with Casey Beginner’s class will be in studio # 258 at Lowe Mill. Fee. It will be every Monday
and Wednesday in May from 6 - 7pm.
www.lowemill.net.
Maggie Meyer’s will have Comedy Open Mic Night
hosted by Matthew Tate every Monday at 8pm.
www.maggiemeyersirishpub.com.
Live Trivia will be every Monday at Straight to Ale
Brewery. www.straighttoale.com.
The exhibit: Stefani Joseph-Alice in Wonderland will
be at UAH Wilson Gallery from 9am - 5pm. It will be
on display through May 29th. www.uah.edu.
For Life Ministries 5K Fun Run and Family Day will be
at Hampton Cove Middle School at 9:30am.
Tuesday, May 19
Zumba Fitness will be every Tuesday from 5 – 6pm in
the Athens State University Sandridge Student Center. Fee. 256- 749-5485.
The Alabama BASS Nation State Team Qualifier will
be at Guntersville State Park from safe daylight until
3pm. 205-979-3526.
Intro to Screen Printing will be from 6 – 9pm in the
Green Pea Press Studio of Lowe Mill.
www.lowemill.net.
May 16 – 17
The Bailey Cove Library will hold a Used Book Sale
Saturday 9am - 5pm and Sunday 1 - 5pm. There will be
books, movies, audio books, music. Almost everything
is 25¢. Free to attend. 256-881-0257,
hmcpl.org/bcove.
Latham United Methodist Church will have a Farmers’ Market every Tuesday from 3 - 7pm, now through
October. http://downtoearthcrier.blogspot.com. (See
ad pg.9)
The Hurricane Junior Golf Tour (HJGT) will be at
Gunter’s Landing Golf Club in Guntersville. It is open
to all golfers between ages 11 - 18. 904-379-2697,
[email protected].
Author Melanie Dickerson, “The Huntress of Thornbeck Forest,” will be at the Monrovia Library at
6:30pm. Free. 256-489-3392, www.hmcpl.org.
Nick’s Ristorante will have Trivia every Tuesday night
from 6 - 8pm. www.nicksristorante.com.
events cont. on pg. 15
THE VALLEY PLANET
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
13
Observations of
a Big Spring Jam
Gone Bye
by Lee Cox
2
0:30 Arrive at Big Spring Jam
Tough kid in a fedora. When I watched
Benjamin Button I realized how thin 17- 20 yos
really are. This kid is 6’ and prolly wouldn’t out
weigh a bug.
Young girls in wellies
20:40 Stop to pee at the field of portopots
Young girls in boots with dresses
One girl hands her purse to another, a third asks,
“Do you know her?” Girl holding purse laughs
and replies “No!”
Sun Tzu said the victorious warrior does not
hesitate to take victory - sorry buddy, you didn’t
move fast enough
There is no male or female portopot - we’ll pee
in any box
21:30 Gaggle of 10yos in front of me. As a father
I’m perplexed. There’s like 12 of them - who left
them here???
Girl passes me yelling, “Dad! Wait!”
14yo boy passes me with t-shirt that says “(up
arrow) The Man (down arrow) The Legend”
21:35 Watching a crap ton of 17yo girls do a
dance off to “All the Single Ladies” with long,
white, blow up bat looking cylinders in their
hands
Girl on the end wins - they start the f*ing “Electric Slide” (will this song EVER go away????)
- DJ claims alcohol has taken effect - right, out
of 15 of them 2 are wearing wristbands
Ewww, creepy old short guy doing electric slide
too...
Have to move on - they’re playing “Let’s Groove
Tonight” and if I stay any longer I’ll have to
dance with them becoming the 3rd creepy old
guy to join in
21:53 Honor Society - sounds like a boy band,
but wait - they play their own instruments sounds like 10000 screaming preteens up front
21:55 Rain!
Standing smack in the middle, people don’t even
see me. This must be what invisible feels like.
About half the crowd runs off behind me. No
idea where they’re going, no shelter back there.
Pumas and cougars, o my!
Kind of a cool scene, rain dripping off my nose,
sheltering my phone, rain creating a corona in
the spotlights
20:50 Where’s Mike?
Pretty girls dropping the FBomb everywhere
Lines of teenagers, hand in hand, making their
way to the front
21:00 Smell corn dogs and teen spirit
21:05 Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - and I’m instantly enclosed in teenagers. Good thing beer cancels
my enochlophobia (fear of crowds – sometimes
associated with agoraphobia)
Oh look, lead singer in white t-shirt, long hair,
one foot up on monitor - now THAT’S original
“How are you toNIGHT HUNTSVILLE!?!?!”
21:10 Two young lovers kissing quietly, intimately, in the middle of the parking deck ramp
Late 30s father holding 4yo daughter
40 Something couple looking around like, “This
isn’t Collective Soul...”
Kid passes me going to portopotty, can’t be more
than 12yo. This is really getting on my nerves,
the median age of the festival goers being what?
13?
21:20 Older lady - 60s - in sparkly top hat,
sequined blouse and cane
Mike responds to my text, says he’s in his chair
by the slides. I see no slides, must be the other
stage
23:27 Stopping for funnel cake for the walk
home – big kid, about 6’, 260lbs, breaks line in
front of me, gives me the “WTF you lookin at?”
look.
00:30 aHA! This is where all the younguns hang
out!
Some girl stabs me in the back with fingernails
- I turn around and she’s stomping off to the
elevator. 
Heineken is $5 - I hand the barmaid $5 and
promise to get her back
Keeps snapping back looking at me – weird
Conversation next to me – 
23:30 OMG! $6 for funnel cake??? Yes please. :(
Her: “I’ve been coming up here for 10 years and
keep expecting something different”
23:37 Eatin’ funnel cake I look up and zebra
jacket lady is standing in front of me. Ponder
offering her some funnel cake, but I do the math
and see it’ll be much simpler if I just keep it to
myself. She pulls out a pink celly - whomever is
not responding to her. I miss the left hand ring
finger. She stands still and suddenly she bolts off.
I think she sensed me “observing” her.
Only black girl I notice is wearing hello kitty
fluffy headphones and “Mork From Ork” socks.
She pulls a flower out of Region’s front floral
arrangement and puts a pink flower in her hair.
I’m proud of her.
Him: “... The situation is so old, what makes you
think it would be different!”
Conversation in front of me –
Her01: “I’m trying to...” 
Her02: “I told her that! But... I think... I was all
like...”
Her01: “she was...” 
Her02: “then I said well then don’t be...”
Her01: “I would think - is the house bigger than
960?”
Her02: “I don’t know right now”
Her01: “well, they were nasty nasty pictures” 
Her02: “yeah, for real!”
00:07 Guy ignoring his wife. He aint payin her
no attention - he’s either a dumba*s or VERY
comfortable with their relationship.
22:15 Get a corn dog basket - woman in front of
me starts conversation about football. Says, “My
ex - no, wait, current husband is an Alabama fan,
but I’m an Auburn fan.” I reply its good to find
the only other Auburn fan in Huntsville. She’s
with her daughters - 8 and 10ish. Mom is wearing punk lace up boots
Deandra shows up with 2 other hotties. Gives me
a sad face and tells me she cant stay for a beer.
Walked them to their car. 
Quiet ride down on the elevator
00:22 I’m walking up on a girl that looks just
like my 14yo daughter - at 12:20 at night?????
I’m just not understanding any of this  “...as long
as she’s with friends she can stay out downtown
as long as they want! Just call me when you’re
ready to come home honey!” business
0054.5 Kid in Auburn hat passes me on street,
says “what up, dude?” I keep walkin, maybe
he’ll think I’m a ‘Bama fan...
Women travel in packs - I’ve seen one lady alone
and she kept looking back at me all funny and
stuff...
Bradford Jones looking lady yawns hard - yes
ma’am, I know it’s late... (went to grade school
with Bradford)
Walk With Me
21:30 The Coke stage plays “Join Together (With
the band)” over the stage speakers
W
21:35 Collective Soul takes the stage - blistering
hook - just what they do best
21:40 “Heavy” - music great - singer lame
21:46 Some dumba*s is surfing the crowd!
LOLZ! not.
22:50 Cute girl, 20s, sitting alone on a concrete
fence, smiling, texting. 
The spots shine out into the crowd and faces become illuminated - screaming and raising hands
in praise. I guess we all think we’re on stage
when they do that
23:00 Last beer. 3 skinny young girls in 2009
version of sun dresses and wearing cowboy
boots
Pondering buying something to eat.
23:08 50 something is dancing her A*S off,
hubby rubbing/patting her back - and another
father/daughter combo moves thru the crowd.
Lots of older gentlemen with either their 15 year
younger wife / date or their daughter.
Collective Soul starts “December,” cool new
little riff along with it
14
23:25 I’m done - being old and sh*t. Pass a late
40s/50s something lady cussing some guy, “you
been f*ing ignoring blah blah blah”
Cross the street to go to Masons for another last
beer.
Rain lightens up - I point at a puddle to save a
couple from running through mud - ignored I
feel silly
1000:1 Alabama to Auburn fans
Pretty young thing takes my beer order - $5 and
I pay with a $5 bill - feel a twinge of guilt for not
tipping.
23:22 aw, lead singer can’t hit high notes - nobody say nothin’ – shhhhh
23:57 Stumbled onto what appears to be a bridal
shower at The Klatch. woOt! Rockabilly band
- decide to have a Heiny...
Funny. Strange to notice all the cell phones out
and all the faces lit by the LEDs
21:25 Becky frogs my arm, explains Mike is
down by the WZYP stage - not the Coke stage
Crowd sings along with “Whoa! Love and let
your light shine down” Awesome!
00:25 Tall blonde walks out of the alley from
Humphrey’s - apparently pissed off, stomping
high-heels making her modest breasts jiggle
like day old jello. She rounds the corner and,
strangely, appears to be headed to the front of
Humphrey’s.
22:01 The young people return in droves swarms, floods
Fat girls with fat girls, skinny with skinny - am
reminded of “Heathers”
Cougar in a zebra striped jacket
23:15 A girl yells, “Play Shine!” as they start
playing Shine. Girl in front of me doesn’t get
out of her chair as her “date” stands to video the
performance on his SLR.
#051415060315
Had the barmaid break $20, give her a $5 bill,
lose myself back into the crowd of college students; frat boys and soro girls
00:48 Girl with body brace walks by
00:54 Smiled at a cabby but kept walkin
by Cameron Reeder
hen I was younger, if you had asked me
to take a walk, I would have told you
to take a running leap. However, I realized on Saturday that I had been walking out on a
tremendous experience.
Tour guide Peggy delighted the gathered crowd
on the tour. Beginning at the Old State Bank, the
day provided great company, healthy exercise and
a treasury of information that made me appreciate
Decatur more than ever.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning. And I was
bored. So I looked at my copy of Valley Planet
to get an idea about what to do. And there it was.
A walking tour of Decatur! First, it was close by,
beginning at the Old State Bank. Next, it was led
by a very knowledgeable person, Peggy Towns.
Lastly, it was free! 
The tour ended at the Morgan County Archives
where we watched a video and poured over memorabilia and photographs from the Scottsboro
Boys trial.
Free walking tours in Decatur, Huntsville, and
Madison will begin again in the fall.
As residents, we sometimes tell ourselves
that we know all there is to know about
a city. But that couldn’t be farther from
the truth. And sometimes we find that our
closely guarded information is sincerely
wrong.
Our particular tour focused on the Scottsboro Boys trial and its connection to Decatur and Morgan County. For those who
still don’t know it, this retrial in Decatur
changed legal history in America. 
The tour included several downtown
homes that I had passed thousands of
times over the last 15 years as a resident,
but had no clue as to their historical significance.
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET
events cont. from pg. 13
Game Night will be every Tuesday from 6 - 9:30pm at
Straight to Ale Brewery. www.straighttoale.com.
Jazz ‘N’ Swing Tuesday will be at Envy Entertainment & Restaurant form 7 - 9pm every Tuesday in
April. Doors open at 6pm. Free. 256-424-5725
Basic Genealogy Classes will be in the Special Collections Department at the Huntsville-Madison Library
every Tuesday at 6pm. Free. 256-532-5969,
www.hmcpl.org.
Painting with Soft Pastels with Harriet Dobbins will
be from 10am – 12pm in the Huntsville Art League
Studio 2013 of Lowe Mill. 256-339-6432,
www.lowemill.net.
West Coast Swing presented by Rocket Westies will
be at Flying Monkey Arts Theater every Tuesday at
7pm. $10. www.RocketWesties.com,
www.lowemill.net.
Tuesday Evening Concert at the Library will feature
Black Market Haggis at 6pm in the Huntsville-Madison Main Library’s Atrium. www.hmcpl.org.
The Spring Fling Arts and Crafts Festival will be at
Whistle Hollow Farm 701 Lofton Hall Road, Ardmore,
TN from 10am - 3pm. www.visitathensal.com/3/2015.
Dixie Derby Girls vs. Derby City Bout will be at the
NSS Conference Center, 6001 Pulaski Pike from 5:30
- 8:30pm.www.dixiederbygirls.com.
The 2nd Annual Grizzly 5K/Fun Run and Health and
Wellness Fair will be at Mountain Gap School from 8
- 11am. www.heyevent.com.
Monday, May 25
The Cotton Row Run 5K & 10K will be in downtown
Huntsville beginning at 7am.
Thursday, May 28
Community Cinema: Limited Partnership will be from
7 – 9pm at the Film Co-op Studio 251 of the Flying
Monkey Arts. Free. www.flyingmonkeyart.org.
The Exhibit: Julia Gary-Photographs from Cuba will
be at the UAH Salmon Library Gallery now through
June 26. Free. www.uah.edu.
The Madison Gazebo Concerts will be at the Gazebo
in downtown Madison at 6:30pm.
The Alabama Wildlife Federation Wildgame Cookoff
will be in Athens, AL. Cookers registration is free.
Contact Greg Lambert at 256-998-0057.
Homegrown Huntsville Beer Hop will be at 5:30pm.
Ride the trolley to 3 local breweries. $30, homegrownhuntsville.com.
Join Mark Yarbrough the Chairman of the Limestone
County Commission, for Our Town Series at the Center
for Lifelong Learning. He will discuss the real rundown
on how County Government works. It will be from
1:30 - 2:30pm. $5. 256-233-8262
Jazz Night at A.M. Lumberyard will be from 7 - 10pm.
$5. www.thelumberyard.
Wednesday, May 20
Every Wednesday there will be a Bike Ride at 5:30pm
starting at Bicycles Etc. www.bicyclesetc.us.
The Huntsville Polish-American Culture Club will
meet Wednesdays from 7 - 9pm at the Good Shepherd Church. 256-653-4450, [email protected].
Brews and Brush will be at Straight To Ale Brewery
at 6:30pm. ($30 includes all supplies)
www.straighttoale.com.
Lowe Mill Out Loud Birthday Celebration will be
from 6 – 8pm in the Classroom Studio 2008 of Lowe
Mill. Free. www.lowemill.net.
Comedy Open Mic Night will be every Wednesday at
Copper Top in Huntsville. 256 -536-1150.
The Singles & Doubles Square Dance Club will meet
each Wednesday night at Berachah Gym located at
3011 Sparkman Drive from 6 – 8:45pm.
256-881-5720.
Thursday, May 21
Southern Families African American Genealogy
Meeting will be at the Alabama A&M University
Wellness Center, 1st Floor, Room 115 from 6 - 7:30pm.
http://www.huntsvilleurbannetwork.com.
May 21 – 25
There will be a baseball game the Biloxi Shuckers vs.
the Birmingham Barons at Joe Davis Stadium.
228-233-3465.
Friday, May 22
City Lights and Stars featuring Mambo Gris Gris
will be from 7:30 - 9:30pm at Burritt on the Mountain.
www.burrittonthemountain.com.
There will be a Lunch and Learn at Carnegie Visual
Arts Center from noon to 1pm.
www.carnegiearts.org.
Saturday, May 23
There will be a Used Book Sale from 9am – 5pm at
the Bailey Cove Library. 256-881-0257,
www.hmcpl.org.
Old School & Blues Music Festival with Maze, Frankie
Berverly, Chante More and more will be at the Huntsville Dragway. Gates will open at 11am.
http://oldschoolfestival.com.
The author, Kim Cross, “What Stands in a Storm,” will
be at the Huntsville-Madison Library at 2pm. Free.
www.hmcpl.org.
Homebrew Fest will be at Straight to Ale from 3 10pm. $10. www.straighttoale.com.
The Alabama Jubilee Hot Air Balloon Classic will
be at Point Mallard Park from 6:30am - 10pm. Free.
www.pointmallardpark.com.
The 2015 “Spring Burst” Guided Hike Series - Wildflower Stroll on Rainbow Mountain in Madison from
10am - 12:30pm.
THE VALLEY PLANET
Friday, May 29
The Bessie K. Russell Branch Library will have the
Creative Young Minds Art Show at 2pm. 256-8599050, www.hmcpl.org.
Jim Parker’s Songwriters Series will be at the VBC
Playhouse at 6:30pm. It will feature Steve Bogard, Rachel Thibodeau, Jason Sever, and host Jim Parker with
special guest Little Honey (Bonner Black & Katie Mae
Smith.) jimparkermusic.com/main.html.
May 29 – 30
The 11th Annual Cigar Box Guitar Festival will be at
Lowe Mill. There will be live music, demonstrations,
workshops, folk art, vendors and more.
www.lowemill.net.
The 2015 Relay for Life of North Madison will be at
Hazel Green High School from 5:30pm Friday-6am
Saturday.www.relayforlife.org.
Saturday, May 30
Wine & Mead Making Class for Beginners will be May
30th at Artisan’s Cove from 12:30 - 4pm. http://southernfoodscapes.com/event/wine-mead-class-for-beginners.
The Madison Library presents Read Around the
Block from 8 – 11am. This is the Big Summer Reading
Kick-Off party. Free. 256- 461-0046, www.hmcpl.org.
Clockwork Comedy, hosted by Terra Jeffrey, will be
at 8pm at Prototype Multimedia in Lowe Mill. $10.
www.lowemill.net.
The ALS Association Alabama Chapter will have the
Third Annual David McKannan Memorial Run at
8am at Grissom High School. http://webal.alsa.org.
Redstone Federal Credit Union presents 2015 Three
Caves Concert Series to benefit the Land Trust of
North Alabama. Eric Darius will perform at 7pm at the
Three Caves. Free shuttle service begins at 5:30pm.
$35 members/$45 non-members.
www.landtrustnal.org.
The Bailey Cove Library will have Healthy Living at
10am. Free. 256-881-0257, www.hmcpl.org.
Huntsville Fern Society’s 22nd Annual Fern Sale will
be from 9am - 2pm in the parking lot of the Huntsville Botanical Gardens. Free.
www.hsvfernsociety.org.
There will be a Contra Dance in the gym of Faith
Presbyterian Church from 7:30 - 10:30pm. There will
be live music by Two Car Garage and calling by Vicki
Herndon. $8 and $6 for students. Children under 12
are free. 256-837-0656. http://www.secontra.com/
NACDS.html
The 2015 “Spring Burst” Guided Hike Series - Another
Great Madison County Waterfall on Keel Mountain
will be from 2 – 4pm. www.landtrustnal.org.
The Aviation Heritage Fly-in 2015 - Commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the Vietnam War will be
at Huntsville Executive Airport, 359 Boiling Road in
Meridianville, AL. It will be from 10am -4pm. Free. (See
ad pg.7)
events cont. on pg. 17
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
15
Auntie Jen’s
Animal Crazy
F
ew things are sadder than dying stars, even
if they were self-deluded minor stars in a
small galaxy, far, far away in a constellation called Sukkedfromgitgoamus. Instead of radiating small light, the stars gain weight and lose
substance until gravity makes them gray and they
suck themselves into a black hole of ignominious
neverwasdom. Even the tin- eared old farts who
walker into a sparsely attended concerts with their
wives leave feeling cheated. Women still throw
their drawers on the stage as before, but wet thong
panties can never be equaled by wet Depends.
Alas, the dying and born dead stars’ numbers are
legion.
Take Eddie Money - please. Money was a small
change cop that gave two tickets to hell before
turned into chump change and didn’t make enough
coin to buy even one ticket to paradise. So baby,
hold on to him – not. We knew he couldn’t sing as
soon as we saw his mouth drawn over to the side
of his head like a bad ventriloquist.
The Carpenters: On the day that they were born
the angels got together, and decided to stop up
their butts with glue (mouths, too). She is eligible
next year for entry into the Vault of Fame. Brother
Richard was always just another Dick. The duo
sucked like a Big Orange. Richy is now just a carpenter, but a pair like them was probably what set
Van Gough on a quest to cut off his ears.
Eric Carmen: maybe you remember the songs,
“All by Myself,” “Hungry Eyes”, “Make Me Lose
Control”, “Never Gonna Fall in Love Again”, and
“She Did It.” Eric Carmen had a string of soft
rock hits for the musically challenged, but didn’t
impress until he grew shorter and swelled up and
to become Eric Cartman on “Southpark.”
The Bay City Rollers: If you don’t remember
them, consider yourself “having a blessed day” as
every wanna-show-you-how-holy-I-am checkout
clerk feels obligated to smear on you. The BCR’s
biggest hit was “S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y, Saturday night.
Just can’t wait.” Yada yada yada yada, feeling
great.” Unless they played dice or skated well this
bunch were rollers only in the sense of who and
what they did late night in back alleys.
Paris Hilton: “Stars Are Blind” (No. 18, July 2006)
yes, that Paris Hilton, which proves that certain
section of the TMZ listening audience is deaf,
dumb and blind. What’s next? Kim Kardashian’s
big-assed hit, “I’m Famous for Being Famous?”
Kim is getting a little long in the tooth. Maybe she
should settle down for longer than three months
with a rich, well-hung basketball player after she
goes south with North by West, a man whose biggest talent seems to be making an ass of himself
at awards shows.
Bill Cosby: “Little Ole Man (Uptight, Everything’s Alright)” Maybe he can reprise that with
“Big Old Man (Uptight, Everything’s Not Alright)” and follow that with “Have a Rufee On
me (And I’ll Go Goofy On You” At this point in
Cosby’s life he may plea bargain down to “Felony
assault with a dead weapon.”
Tommy Two Tone– His biggest deed was getting the phone number 867-5309 banned forever
– besides that %$&^$ song is bad to stick in your
head, making you want to ISIS yourself.
Rupert Holmes: He likes penis collides (pina colada), wears a cape and if any of you have ever
hooked up on the beach in the rain, it’s a romantic
sounding idea, but you get sand in places never
intended to be.
Marley From
The Darkside
A
s I have mentioned many times, my human is a lazy stoner that doesn’t get much
done, so I have taken this job at the Valley
Planet, to help make ends meet. So, in an effort
to earn these ends, I find myself at the beautiful
downtown office building, with all the other writers and various staff members. While typing out
my current offering, I recognized a familiar smell,
and set out to find the source of this delightful
aroma.
I jumped down from my desk, and went down
the hall, based on the smell, someone’s having a
ball. Then I noticed a fat man at my editor’s door,
calling her everything, short of a whore. “Do you
hate Christians?” And, “Are you gay?” I heard
this blob say. “I’ve never seen something, like I
saw today. I’ve been in the business for so many
years, and this cat you call Marley has brought
me to tears.”
H
ello to all my readers. I have missed writing to you. As you may or may not know,
on October 2 my father took his life. I
was left wrestling with unspeakable grief. This
pain also created a gut-wrenching case of writer’s
block. One of the last things I wrote until now
appeared in Bonnie Roberts’ “What Then Must
We Do?” column on September 25. For months I
pushed myself to follow my own words in that article and break out of heartbreak by doing something to help others through my
writing. However, the inspiration was just not there. So I did
the only thing I could do, and
that was to pray and be patient.
And then, on Earth Day, I was
miraculously blessed with a return of inspiration as I streamed
the both heartbreaking and
hopeful documentary “Virunga”
on Netflix.
There have been many crossroads and moments
of inspiration in my life that I can in some way
attribute to my hero Leonardo DiCaprio, and this
is yet another one. 
“Virunga” Executive Producer DiCaprio’s film
company Appian Way partnered with Netflix to
inform people across the globe about the greed,
corruption and conflict that threatens endangered
species, natural resources, and the way of life for
the humans of the eastern Congo.
Winner of 23 international film awards in 2014,
director Orlando von Einsiedel’s “Virunga” is
described by LA Times as “urgent investigative
report and unforgettable drama...a work of heartwrenching tenderness and heart-stopping suspense.” 
The camera follows a small but dedicated and
selfless team of park rangers into action as they
battle poachers in Virunga National Park, Africa’s
oldest park and home to the last 800 mountain
gorillas in the world. The film also follows the
story of André Bauma, Virunga’s caretaker for
four orphaned gorillas whom he regards as family. “Virunga” viewers will also witness the investigative work of freelance French journalist
Mélanie Gouby as she documents - via locals’ testimonials and shocking hidden camera interviews
- London-based oil and gas exploration company
SOCO International reps’ attempts to allegedly
bribe and otherwise sway locals and disloyal
park officials into helping SOCO drill for oil in
Virunga. All storylines come together when a
rebel group declares war and a conflict erupts that
threatens the people of the Congo, the park rangers, the filmmakers and participants alike. When
conflict erupts, gorilla caretaker Bauma chooses
to stay behind. As Bauma says, “You must justify
why you are on this earth. Gorillas justify why I
am here. They are my life. So if it is about dying,
I will die for the gorillas.”
As for my own story and why I am here . . . When
I was a child, there were four dream jobs I remember feeling called to do: actress, astronaut,
marine biologist - and park ranger who protects
African wildlife from poachers. When I first saw
the film’s poster and the tagline, “conservation is
war,” I felt a sadness that I
did not pursue this dream.
Then I remembered that I am
- through my pro-conservation writing, which I feel
justifies why I am here - a
part of this “war.” And you
can join the fight too.
Here are 4 ways we can
help:
1. Spread the word about “Virunga” via Tweets,
posts, blogs, etc. Inform friends and keep the
pressure on SOCO. Find the film on Twitter @
virungamovie, and include #Virunga and #TeamVirunga in your Tweets. Like and share posts
from “Virunga: The Movie” at Facebook.com/
virungamovie.
2. Sign up for email action alerts on the homepage
at virungamovie.com.
3. Join me in donating to help save 90-year-old
Virunga National Park at virunga.org/donate. 
4. Check your investment portfolios, assets and
pension funds. Many of them are likely to tie into
SOCO without your knowledge. You can quickly
check by downloading a PDF file from the film’s
homepage, virungamovie.com. You can also write
to SOCO and ask them if they intend to stay away
from the park and what actions they will take to
safeguard the park.
To close with the words of Rodrigue Katembo,
Warden of Virunga Central Sector: “I have accepted to give the best of myself, so that wildlife
can be safeguarded beyond all pressure. Beyond
all spirit of greediness about money. Beyond all
things. All that could happen to me, I will accept
it. I am not special . . . In the end, we will be
judged if we just stand by as the park vanishes.
But our wish is that this park lives forever.”
Thanks for reading and sharing this story, #TeamVirunga!
I then saw a door, from which, wafted out smoke, I heard some good music and wanted a toke. I
scratched on the door and it opened up wide, then Dr. Anarcho said, “Please come inside.” So I met my
co- worker, it took quite a turn we put on some music and started to burn. We burned as we listened,
and then I suppose, I noticed his eye patch, and the bone through his nose. A head full of dreadlocks,
a beard, braided with beads, a Magnum P.I. shirt, a necklace of leaves. The leaves were familiar, we
smoke them at home. The eye patch was groovy, and so was the bone, his tattoos were awesome, the
work was sublime, and because of that cartoon, I still speak in rhyme. I rhyme about this and I rhyme
about that, I don’t mind the rhyming, but won’t wear the hat. The doctor, however, had one on his head,
a skull banded top hat, colored bright red. The doctor was awesome, we jammed and got stoned, but,
time had flown by, and I had to go home. The doc gave me some reefer, and wished me good luck. Dr.
Anarcho was right. This stuff doesn’t suck.
Toke ‘em if you got ‘em……………meow
My editor is lovely and really quite wise, she
knows how to deal with these types of guys.” I’ll
be happy to print your response to that.” He said,
“How do you respond to a stoner type cat?” So
I kept right on cruising, no need to chat, he was
yelling and screaming, he cursed and he spat. He
never noticed, and I walked right on by, I suspect,
undetected, since I wasn’t gravy, or pie.
16
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VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET
Bill Bellamy in concert featuring D’Lai will be at the
NASA Activities Center Bldg. 4316 at 7pm. $40. 256842-3070
Huntspex 2015 Stamp & Postcard Show will be at the
UAH University Center from 10am - 5pm.
www.uah.edu.
Taproom Music Tour will be at Straight to Ale from 6
- 9pm. www.straighttoale.com.
“Kids to Love” Leslie Marshall Charity Fishing Tournament will be at Ingall’s Harbor from safelight until
3pm.256-341-4930, www.decaturparks.com.
Babypalooza Baby & Maternity Expo will be at the
VBC. Free. http://babypaloozatour.com.
Soccer Shots 2015 Family Fun Fest will be at the Athens Sportsplex from 9am - 9pm. Free. 256-230-5246.
May 30 - 31
Dance Theatre of Huntsville presents “Peter’s Adventures” at the Lee High School Auditorium on Saturday at 1pm and 5pm and Sunday at 5pm. $15.
http://www.huntsvilleurbannetwork.com.
The Collectors and Shooters Gun Show will be at the
VBC South Hall. 256-533-1953.
Monday, June 1
The Arts Council presents Concerts in the Park at Big
Spring Park from 6:30 – 8pm.
June 1 - July 31
There will be a Gross Out Camp at the Birmingham
Botanical Gardens. $225. www.GrossOutCamp.org
Tuesday, June 2
Tuesdays on the Trail”- Fishin’ at Harvest Square Preserve will be from 5:30 - 7:30pm. landtrustnal.org/harvest-square-recreational-preserve.
June 3 – 6
Disney on Ice: Frozen will be at the VBC Arena. 256533-1953. (See ad pg.12)
Thursday, June 4
There will be a Book Club Meeting from 6 – 8pm in
Studio 131 of Lowe Mill. Jennifer@jenniferpinkley.
com, www.lowemill.net.
The Madison Gazebo Concerts will be at the Gazebo
in downtown Madison at 6:30pm. Free.
There will be a Quilting Demonstration with Artist
Guadalupe Lanning Robinson at the Huntsville Museum of Art from 5:30 - 7pm. www.hsvmuseum.org.
Jam Session on the Square will be from 5 - 8pm on
the Westside Square in downtown Huntsville.
Friday, June 5
First Fridays Book Club will be from 6 - 8pm the first
Friday of every month in Jennifer Pinkley’s Studio 131
of Lowe Mill. www.lowemill.net.
Friday Night Art Walk will be in Downtown Historic
Square from 5 – 8pm.
The Paul Stroud Concerts by the River will have Taylor McLain at 6pm and Sophisticated Swingers at 7pm
at Rhodes Ferry Park. Free. www.decaturparks.com.
The 2015 “Spring Burst” Guided Hike Series - Wade
Mountain Night Hike: will be from 8:30 - 10:30pm.
www.landtrustnal.org.
June 1 – 5
There will be an Art Camp Sampler with Denise Onwere from 9am – 1pm daily. Ages 7 – 16. It will be in
Studio 314 of Lowe Mill. $250. 256-322-0184, www.
lowemill.net.
The 2015 Spring Golf Classic will be at the Decatur
Country Club. www.dcc.org.
Summer Engineering Camp 4 Robotics will be at Columbia, Grissom and Lee High School from 7:30am
- 3:30pm.www.nsbe-northalabamaae.com.
the end!!
Wartrace
MusicFest June 6
W
artrace, Tenn. - Southern rock, a fireworks show, classic cars, and over
thirty arts and crafts dealers will all
convene Saturday June 6th at the eleventh annual
Wartrace MusicFest in Wartrace, Tennessee. The
six piece Allman Brothers tribute band Midnight
Riders from Nashville will close the show with a
fireworks display beginning at 10:00 PM. Threatening weather prevented the Riders from performing at last year’s festival.
Other main stage acts include Bad Monkey, a
high energy crowd favorite playing classic seventies rock, and The Road Crew performing fifties rockabilly. Music will start at 1:00 PM with
Nashville singer-songwriter Chris Morse, the
Low Electric Revival, Dave & Darren, songwriter
Everett Brown, and country music favorite Mike
Allen and Friends on the Adams & Floyd Contractors Tent Stage.
Gates will open at 10:00 AM with over thirty
arts and crafts booths, a classic car display, and
barbeque cooked on the premises. Covered table
seating will be available in a cabaret setting near
Downtown Live will be at Historic Square in downtown Huntsville from 5 - 8pm. Free.
Wartrace is located approximately one hour’s
drive south of Nashville off exit #97 on I-24 East
and an hour and a half from Huntsville off of Hwy
231 N or Hwy 431 N.
J
THE VALLEY PLANET
Master Hair Design Color Specialist
Lesley Williams
Color Specialist, Hair Stylist
*20% First Visit with Lesley
A few vendor spaces are still available by calling
Wartrace Town Hall at 931-389-6144. For additional information, stage schedules, and directions
visit www.wartracemusicfest.org and http://www.
facebook.com/wartracemusicfest.
2. The Nazis began a holocaust against the Jews
to eliminate them as a race. The ISIS is beginning
a holocaust against Christians to eliminate them
as a religious entity.
Since then, time has exposed the opposite – an
expanding trend, and a greater reign of terror.
More and more the ISIS is beginning to look like
a major evil curse on civilization much like the
Nazism of the 1940s. Here’s why:
Melissa Steelman
Admission to Wartrace MusicFest is $5 and children twelve and under are admitted free. Parking
is free. The event is a non-profit endeavor produced by the Town of Wartrace and the Wartrace
Chamber of Commerce to raise money for civic
improvements to the town. MusicFest is presented by radio station 93.9 The Duck and underwriting sponsors include Curl Construction & Excavating LLC, Duck River Electric Membership
Corporation, First Community Bank, Hawkins
Asphalt Paving, Hawkins & Price LLC, M&L
Greenhouse, and Adams & Floyd Electrical and
Plumbing.
1. The Nazis claimed to be the master race, superior to all others. The ISIS claim to be the master
religion superior to all others.
ust a year ago the ISIS threat was thought to
be a multigenerational problem only requiring a low risk response. The strategy preferred united the free civilized (western) world
to adopt a low “loss lives,” low cost approach
to contain the menace. This united pressure over
generations would marginalize the ISIS to the extent they would eventually dry up.
Master Esthetician
Licensed Barber
the tent stage. A Kid’s Zone with an inflatable
slide, art tables, hula hoops, face painting, corn
hole contests, and pony rides will be open all
day.
The ISIS Threat
by Joseph Connaughton
Kellye McCormick, Owner
3. The Nazis used the media of that day for propaganda and the organization scheme of the German/American Bund to get sympathy and encourage Americans to join their ranks. The ISIS use
today’s media for propaganda and the organization scheme of sleeper cells to get sympathy and
encourage Americans to join their ranks.
4. The Nazi began rapid expansion into neighboring countries (Denmark, Holland, Belgium, Nor-
#051415060315
way, Poland, and France) by using force and brutality (torture & enslavement) to expand widely
into Europe. The ISIS is beginning a rapid expansion into neighboring countries (Syria, Iraq, Turkey, Somalia, Egypt and Libya) using force and
brutality (beheadings and enslavement) to expand
widely into the Middle East and North Africa.
When I first heard about this long-range multigenerational strategy it sounded attractive. I thought
if the Allies had used that strategy in the beginning when Hitler first occupied the Rhineland in
1936, could we have saved the millions of lives
lost in WW II. If so, I wondered what our world
would be like today.
was our calling to eliminate Nazism from the face
of the earth. We did it, but at great cost of many
heroic lives. We salute them because their legacy
is a free world and democratic nations available
to all who choose in which to live and raise their
families.
Now I am 91 years old and hopeful I can live long
enough to see how this generation will handle
what appears again to be a sweeping Nazi-like
evil (or worse) threat gaining ground in the Middle East. Will they kick the can down the road
hoping for another great American generation to
emerge and deal with it, or will they gut it up and
become truly the greatest American generation?
Of course, the short answer is that we see little evidence of success using that strategy. Maybe, we’d
better be glad we had great leaders like Churchill
and Roosevelt who could see clearly the disaster
of not confronting the evil Nazism that was creeping over the earth. President Roosevelt told my
generation we had a rendezvous with destiny. It
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
17
The Valley Planet Music Exchange is FREE to any individual (not businesses) looking to
buy, sell, trade or find bandmates. You get a headline and 3 lines of text for FREE!
Please call (256) 533-4613 or
email your ads to [email protected].
Professional musician seeking to rent space for live music
rehearsal, price and terms negotiable. References available
upon request. Chris 256-541-9118
Looking for a music comedy side kick. I change words in
songs but, I need a guitar player or Keys. call Fred
256-653-3503
Multi-inst’ist/vocalist seeks guitarist/harmonicist/singer
named Danny, 65, from Madison. Call/text Joe at
256-617-1395.
15” Hartke Transporter Bass Guitar Cabinet for Sale.
Comes with Eminence Alpha A-15 speaker inside. Large
enough to play with a loud band but light enough for
convenient transport. $150 256 431-5130
Guitarist/Keyboardist/Singer seeks another guitarist
and/or keyboardist, as well as a bassist who’s quick on the
uptake. Ideally, should sing (well). Have drummer. For
multiple different projects: Wedding/corporate gig band
(covers, ‘60s-‘10s); jazz/blues/fusion; originals in ALL styles.
Call/text Joe at 256-617-1395.
Speaker For Sale, Used 50 inch tall, 25 inch wide and 16
inch deep. Black with wheels. $110. 256 606-5152, Decatur.
The Single Guy:
Communi-Date
by Aaron Hurd
“Step back love, I’m in control here!”
A
s I get older and the longer I am single, I
can’t help but wonder if I will ever find
love. The funny thing is, in reality, I have
found love a couple of times. Though I have dated
a lot, I can count on one hand how often I have
shared “true love” to some degree with. True love
that could have been something special is rare and
some people never find it and I can honestly say
that personally I have been very close to that kind
of love twice. Those two times my heart did not
get broken by either of those lovely ladies. I have
no one to blame for those relationships ending but
myself. Both were the deepest definition of “true
love” that I have known. So what happened? Why
did I break it off or find a way to ruin it?
When I truly look back and analyze the situation,
I panicked and found a way to end it because of
my own fear. What is this fear? One word: Vulnerability.
Love makes us all vulnerable; it makes us uncomfortable and really, if you let it get to you, makes
us uncontrollable. I have dated a lot of girls and
had some great relationships, but all of them I
kept at an arm’s length, and on purpose. I treated
their “Love” for me as a game where I am the
puppeteer and work my charm and dating skills to
make the relationship go the way I want it to. All
of this comes down to me being in control of the
situation - where I decide which way it goes, how
far we take it, and when I want it to end.
When I first meet someone I REALLY like, I am
a wreck. Like most, I over analyze the situation,
I talk with everyone that will lend an ear and it
consumes me. It drives me insane and instead of
enjoying it - I get myself so worked up that in
the end I am exhausted. I hate myself for acting
this way and it drains the fun out of even starting
a relationship! Not to mention I annoy everyone
within ear shot who has to listen to me. Hell - I
annoy myself! If this is what love is all about then
I don’t need it! It’s unhealthy.
I find myself an emotional wreck when falling
for someone special. It’s not a fun time for me
18
Charvel Model One, made in Japan Mid 80’s. One
Humbucker, one volume knob, Rock Maple neck, Glossy Red
finish, Spring fulcrum Trem, Charvel Hardshell Case,Simple,
Classy, Hard to find in Very good Condition, Serious Only
$325 call Mark 256-722-9250
Leslie model 900 speaker w/Combo preamp. Very good
condition-320 watts, 2 piece Leslie. JBL loaded. Will blister
the paint on the wall.. $2000. Call Mike @ 256-347-2950 and
please leave contact info.
at all, and by the third date or so I am so tired of
the roller coaster that my aching heart, tired mind
and beat up body are screaming in unison, “Let
us off!”
I’m not the ride operator and I can’t stand it! Bottom line, I am not in control. I am not in control
of my emotions, not in control of the situation,
not in control of the outcome, and certainly not
in control of her feelings and it scares the crap
out of me! I’d much rather be alone and avoid
love just so I don’t have to go through this agony
and pain.
Love is supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be an
adventure, and if we are honest with ourselves - it
is always a risk. However, you cannot take risk
without fear. I do it in my career, I do it in my
personal finances, I do it with real estate, with this
article, and I enjoy it. However, I can’t seem to do
it with my heart and I have no clue why. It’s not
doing me any favors except for keeping me the
“Single Guy.”
Even the two relationships that had me more vulnerable than any other relationships I have had, I
still held back out of fear of being vulnerable. I
ended up managing to make those relationships
come to a crashing halt because of holding back
on being vulnerable and afraid to lose control
and let love flourish. So, instead I found a way
to end them before it went any further (or grew
any stronger).
As I get older I need to understand, if I am ever
going to have any kind of relationship, I need to
be open to let myself be vulnerable. Especially if I
want to tell people I found my true love - I need to
truly let myself lose control and truly be vulnerable and let love do what it is going to do or not
do. I have broken my own heart enough keeping
myself from becoming vulnerable. Why not risk
having it break from someone else for a change?
If I actually break down the walls and make myself completely vulnerable to love, who knows
what could happen. Yes I may get hurt, but I am
going to get hurt either way. So far, being hurt
because of my own guards and control seems like
it is far worse than being hurt from someone who
truly had all of me because I let myself hand over
the steering wheel to love, fate, God’s will, and
circumstance and actually allowed vulnerability
to enter into the situation for once.
#051415060315
Send in your random encounters today. It’s FREE!!
We are putting all the categories together since it seems like there are always more jeers than anything
else!! But just to give you an idea of what the To Yuno from Yunohoos are about… I Saw you: but
you didn’t catch my name, You saw me or you think you were seen: Cheers: Pay your respect to those
who deserve it and of course Jeers: Frustrated? Tell us all about it. Thankfully, we don’t know who
you are!
To send in your FREE ad
1. Keep your word limit to 40 words. No names, just initials if you want.
2. Meet the deadline.
3. Get it to us: Put “To Yuno from Yunohoo” in the subject line of the email and send to classifieds@
valleyplanet.com.
Single guy at Humps, dang it! you never did look up at me when I brought your drink to you. I switched
with the other waiter to get close to you and you just watched the band. Next time look up PLEASE!!!
You’ll nohoo soon.
To the lady sitting next to me (the dread-locked dude) at the Rodney Carrington show: You melted my
heart when you started picking the nits and cooties out of my dreads and eating them. Not many women
know how to groom a man like me. Rasta
Mary B - I would never have married you had you not made biscuits like Mama. Now I find you use
frozen ones, too? Lost Son
Lobo, yes, I know aliens are people too. I hear you. Elvis says “Not cool” btw. ~ Clyde
To DGS Cashiers: I understand why you don’t smile much but half of us aren’t there to rob you. John
Q.
Late Lady at Decatur Beltline Texaco. We will miss you. Seemed like you worked there 24/7.
Zeke - You can be “That Guy” at work after you find another job. Not before.
Bruce Jenner: Everyone is as surprised over your cry for help and attention as we were when Greg
Louganis dived in and came out of the pool. Enough already. Who cares?
N - The boys are back, the boys are back. The boys are back in town. Who you trying to take now?
Surely everyone knows you and what you are by now - we do.
To the silly man wearing a stretched out sleeveless t-shirt at the post office. Please. For the love of All
Things Respectable and Your Fellow Man, cover them guns up and Let’s Keep Alabama Beautiful.
M, My life is on an upswing…if you say yes! T
K - Sorry about M being a big, red dud. For God’s sakes don’t have a puppy with that one. Concerned
J: Your best friend told me that all I had to do was bring you red tulips and you’d go with me to dinner
and a show…Here I go…W
Will someone shoot the Walking Dead in the head so it can’t come back next season? Tired of Zombies
Which local TV anchor  is a horse’s patoot with an ego the size of Texas? Hint: it’s not the guy on ch.
31 in the mornings. Close, though. RB
CS – were you looking your age the day after? Haha Great fun – We Love you! S
Connecticut Kathie - Get better as soon as you are able. We miss you down at the salt mine.
I’d like to thank all the “no taxes” bunch that’s letting our roads go to hell. I just paid $200 worth of
road tax in the form of a broken rim in a pot hole big enough big enough to hide Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
May your luck be as good. PO’s at GOP.
Clyde, all I’m saying is that you don’t have to wear tin foil hats whilst in the Latrine. ~ Lobo
I always joke that the third girl that comes into
my life that I connect with and feel myself falling
in love with will most likely be the one. After all,
they say, “Third times a charm” right? However,
this will not happen unless I let myself be vulnerable and not worry so much about being in control
of the situation. In fact love is not a situation at
all; it is a feeling, and I need to let myself be open
to it. If I do, I may just find myself losing control of my wallet and being vulnerable to debt in
my search for the ultimate wedding ring because,
clearly, she will be “the one” and will certainly be
well worth it!
How many times did I say “Vulnerable”? Seriously, what is holding you back? Do you struggle
with this too or is it just me? Email me at [email protected].
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET
THE VALLEY PLANET
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
19
s
d
a
e
h p!
u
it’s raining
nickels
thanks to new checking
options at Redstone!
Nickels are falling from the sky with
Redstone’s new Relationship Checking
Account. You’ll get a nickel back on debit
card purchases.*
Visit www.redfcu.org or any branch to
find out more. Heads up! It’s raining
nickels for you!
Minimum opening deposit required to open Relationship Checking Account is $500. $8 monthly checking maintenance fee will be waived with one Direct Deposit credited to account per month or an average monthly balance of $500.
With Redstone CashBack, you will receive $.05 cash back for every POS debit card transaction you complete after the first
four POS transactions per month from a Relationship Checking Account. Only active Relationship Checking Accounts
in good standing will receive Redstone CashBack rewards. Rewards will only be given for debit card POS purchases after
the four per month threshold is met and will not be given for the first four purchases per month for Relationship
Checking Accounts. Rewards will not be given for ATM, cash advance, or balance inquiry transactions.
Must have PIN/password to access online banking. Must have online banking and PIN/password to access mobile
banking and My Virtual Strongbox. Must have online banking, mobile banking, and PIN/password to use Remote
Deposit Capture. Standard wireless carrier text message and/or data rates and fees may apply; check with your carrier
for more information.
Members with Relationship Checking Accounts will automatically receive the Extra Credit Line of Credit up to $250 if
they have had no non-sufficient funds (NSFs) during the first 90 days after the checking account opening date. RFCU
is an Equal Credit Opportunity Lender.
20
your trusted advisor
800-234-1234 • www.redfcu.org • Federally Insured by NCUA
#051415060315
VOLUME 13 ISSUE 7
THE VALLEY PLANET

209

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