September - Southern Humor

Transcription

Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper
FREE
in Town!
Check Us Out Online @ www.SouthernHumor.net
Celebrating 10 Years
P.O. Box 7335
of Laughter!
McMinnville, TN 37111
Rest Home
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a twoweek-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small
overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to
get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on
and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her
niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: "There are MEN
in this place!"
Let Our Family Protect Yours!
Underground Storm Shelters
• Up to 12 average size adults
• Life time warranty available
• Shelters can be accessed without
moving your vehicle out of your garage
• Many models to choose from
Safe-T-Shelter
Call Lamar Redmond today!
931-761-7554 or 931-607-3899
We’ll Help
You Weather
Any Storm!
WantCallCash Today?
Personal
Loans/
Auto Loans
Tullahoma 931-455-8095
Smithville 615-597-9930
Winchester 931-962-3323
Murfreesboro 615-867-0551
Cookeville 931-526-3886
931-668-7377
September 2012
Volume 11, No. 24
Stuck
My husband David's colleague at a package-processing
center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker
were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was
still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door
was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from
inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied,
"Maintenance should be sending
somebody."
"They did," said the voice.
Hang-Gliding
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many
people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save
up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the
top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes
off running and reaches the edge-- into the
wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were
sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good
ole days when Maw spots the biggest bird
she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she
exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out
his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG...BANG....BANG...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over
the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let
go of Bubba!"
Save a lot of Money…
On…
Electronics
Jewelry
Games
& Games
Systems
Mention
this ad for
20% off
Everything!
We carry a large selection of DVDs $2.00 each
(Excludes Boxed Sets and Disney)
Under New Management - Lisa Mercer
K249WIK
KASH PAWN
North Spring Street, Sparta. TN 38583
931-836-3668
FOR ADVERTISING INFORMATION PLEASE CALL…931-668-7377. Visit Us Online at: www.SouthernHumor.net
I have, however, been in Sane. They
I have been in many places, but I've
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad
never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you don't have an airport; you have to be driv- place to go, and I try not to visit there too
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots en there. I have made several trips there, often.
thanks to my friends, family and work.
with someone.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it
I would like to go to Conclusions, but was very important to stand firm.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear
you have to jump, and I'm not too much on
no one recognizes you there.
physical activity anymore.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go
there more often as
I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to
be is in Suspense!
It really gets the
adrenalin flowing
and pumps up the
old heart! At my
age I need all the
stimuli I can get!
Get Your Hands on the Cash You Need to Get Behind the Wheel!
2000 FORD MUSTANG
3799
$
1992 CHEVY C1500
999
$
1994 MUSTANG
799
$
1850
2499
$
$
Come see us for…
2003 KTM DIRT BIKE
• Personal Loans
• Pay Off those Bills
• Back to School Loans
• Vacation Loans
$
1999
2008 SUZUKI BOLUVARD 1995 CADILLAC ETC
3199
$
Whatever your needs may be, we can help!
Tennessee CREDIT 482 N. Chancery St.. McMinnville, TN
2)
1993 CHEV S-10
1989 DODGE BOX TRUCK
$
3199
Come talk to us today.
931-507-0111
I may have
been in Continent,
and I don't remember what country I
was in. It's an age
thing.
Please do your
part! Today is one
of the many National Mental Health
Days throughout
the year. You can
do your bit by remembering to give
this to at least one
unstable person.
My job is done!
Life is too short
for negative drama
& petty things. So
laugh insanely,love
truly and forgive
quickly!
From one unstable person to
another…I
hope
everyone is happy
in your head- we're
all doing pretty
good in mine!
Brought to You By Our Loyal Advertisers. Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
Elaine’s
HAIR
DESIGN
Elaine Rains
Audra Campbell
85 Bratten St. • McMinnville
473-9647
Open: Tuesday-Thursday
Friday-Saturday
First Anniversary
The other day while driving home, after
being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw
flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for
speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to
be with my wife on our first anniversary.
Halloween outfits are here now!
,
But rather than letting me off with just
a warning, he went ahead and wrote out
the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
Shopping
My husband had reluctantly agreed
to come shopping with me. But when he
found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while
I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored
he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
at
Now Serving
Ms. Brown’s
Country Store & Kitchen
Home Cooked Meals • Breakfast Served Mon-Sat
Every Friday
Lunches: Meat-N-2 or 3 Served Mon-Fri
& Saturday. CATFISH DINNERS EVERY OTHER FRIDAY!
133995 Murfreesboro Hwy, Beechgrove
931-394-2328
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store
is for men."
Advertise in
Southern Humor Today!
Ads
As
Low As
$
35
Per
Month
www.Southernhumor.net
931-212-7952
Call Margie today!
Thank the Advertisers for the…FUNNIEST PAPER IN TOWN! Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
(3
e do Bush-boging and tractor service of all kinds.
might have spelled bush-boging wrong it’s not in my
.)
Custom Tractor Service
We do Bush-Hogging
and Tractor Service
of all kinds.
931-668-3578
The Island Grille
at Cotten’s Marina
The Marina’s Brand New Restaurant
1967 Rock Island Road
Gregg and Sherry Cotten
(Owners)
cottensmarina.com
931.686.2373
Big Eric
One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his
bus when the biggest man he had ever seen
got on. The giant looked at the driver and
growled, "Big Eric doesn't pay", and took his
seat. Dave was only a little man and he didn't
really want to argue.
This happened for several days. After a
week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry.
Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?
So Dave went to the gym and started a
course of body-building. He didn't want to be
frightened of Big Eric any longer.
Eight weeks later the driver had strong
muscles and was feeling very fit.
At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. "Big Eric
doesn't pay", he barked; but this time Dave
was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking
slightly, and said between clenched teeth,
"Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?"
"Because Big Eric has got a bus pass", the
man replied.
Simpson’s Appliance
Case Knives
& Collector’s Knives
Sales & Services
of Appliances
788 Crossville Hwy. • Sparta, TN
931-738-5189
WARREN CO. TACK,
FEED and FARM EQUIPMENT
Pride N Pleasure Dog Food $18.95
1st ingredient Meat and Bone Meal.
11% Fat Protein.
16,000 Round Bailer Twine $36.95
We have Cattle, Horse & Chicken Feed and all your tack needs.
Rock Island Market
Texaco Gas
Groceries & Restaurant
Hunting & Fishing
Equipment
Big Game Check-In
Rock, Island, TN 38581
931-686-9998 • 931-686-2007
GAS SAVING VEHICLES
with prices everyone can afford!
1999 Chrysler Seabrin
$
4395
Loaded, 72,000 org. miles
Possible Financing Available!
Mitchell’s Automotive
SALES • SERVICE • TOWING
We now accept all major credit cards.
Phone: 931.507.4550
Fax: 931.507.4551
• Private Mailboxes • U-Haul • UPS
• Fingerprinting Solutions
4)
Ginseng Buyer
Also buying
other roots
and herbs.
Call Woody for
Pick-Up
423-762-5680
Reginald's new diet
Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least five pounds," his doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly
impressed, "You certainly must have followed my
instructions."
Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I
thought I was going to drop dead on the third
day."
"Why, from hunger?" asked his doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
Triple M Salon
Family Hair Styling
• Haircuts Melissa Montahdon
Owner/Stylist
• Waxing
Cortney Ming /Stylist
• Perms
Becky Stanton /Stylist
Amanda Winfree Davis
• Color
101-B Mullican St., McMinnville
(Behind Ace Hardware)
(931) 507-CURL (2875)
WALK-INS
WELCOME
Summer
DAYS!
Flowers For All Occasions
Full Service Florist!
Morrison’s Florist
Serving You Since 1968
931-473-3003 Day or Night
100 Clark St., McMinnville, TN
Owners: Carl & Nell Morrison
Accidents Happen
Even to You!
Fabric • Classes
Custom Machine Quilting
NEW FALL MATERIAL
Fall is just around the corner. Come in and
check out our new shipment of Fabric.
Moda $7.75 yard
120” x 120” Lining $24.50
Visit us on Facebook
email: [email protected]
Nobel Prize
We now accept most credit & debit cards
Bob is walking down a country road when he
New hours: 8am - 1:00pm Daily
spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a
Closed on Wed & Sun.
huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob,
curious to find out what's happening, walks all
the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse
me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are
you doing?"
"I'm trying to win a
Nobel Prize," the farmer
replies.
"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled.
"How?"
"Well, I heard they give
the Nobel Prize to people
with low prices on your
who are out standing in
family’s favorite food!
their field."
Read Southern Humor
online at:
Make Every
Meal Count
Your Discount
Grocery Store!
Sparta
Discount
Drugs
“We stand behind
what we sell”
Give us a call
Hoover & Son
INSURANCE
931-473-2200
Batiks $6.75
Short waiting
time!
We accept most
ALL
Medicare
Plans.
Cold and Flu got you
down? Come see us today!
425 N Spring, Sparta
836-2414
Sabra C. Rinio & Cecil Crawford
Pharmacists
Smart Shopper
170 Mayberry Street
We Also Carry Memorial and
Funeral Arrangements.
(Between Walgreens & the Co-Op)
SPARTA
OPEN: MONDAY - SATURDAY
9:00AM - 5:30PM
We accept Debit - Credit Cards
Checks & EBT welcome!
(5
A Wild Hair
…Wild by Nature
…Hair by Design.
Haircut • Shampoo • Blowdry
Christie Rademacher 931-952-8594
Leann Williams 931-273-0710
1302 McArthur St. (beside Shelter Insurance)
Manchester, Tn.
Top Prices Paid! Let us buy your gold!
We Buy
True Believers
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one
Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed
in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the
back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic
weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay
in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door,
followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
®
After a few moments, there were about
State Farm
twenty people left sitting in the church. The
Providing Insurance and Financial Services
Home Office, Bloomington, Illinois 61710
preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and
said, gently, to the preacher, "All right,
pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You
may begin the service."
Large Selection of Crossbows,
Hunting Bows and Hunting Rifles.
Like a good neighbor,
State Farm is there.®
Tommy Pedigo, Agent
124 East Bockman Way, Sparta, TN 38583-2036
Bus: (931) 836-3273 Fax: (931) 836-1030
[email protected]
Read Southern Humor
online at:
Simply… the best place to live!
Live entertainment
on Friday and Saturday
nights 5pm till 8:30pm
2/2 & 3/2 Bedroom Apartment Homes Available
Your New Apartment Home!
ast!
Going F
ICE CREAM PARLOR & GELATO
starting
at
from 11am-8:30 Mon.-Sat. on Sun.9am-4pm.
Open Monday - Saturday 6am-8:30pm
Sunday 9am-4pm
Serving Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner
1 E. Maple Street, Sparta, TN 38583
575
Stoneridge Estates
• Internet & Exercise Rooms
• Playground
• Community Room
• Gazebo & Bar-B-Que Grills
• Water and Sewer Provided
• Refrigerator w/Ice Maker
• Washer/Dryer Connections
• Range & Microwave
Call or Visit
• Dishwasher
Us Today!
• Garbage Disposal
Located at: 500 Stoneridge Court,
Sparta, TN38583
931-837-FOOD (3663) • theantebellumsparta.com
6)
$
(931) 837-7368
Conveniently located off Spring St.
across from the Hospital
Available to Qualified Tenants
(Income Restrictions Apply)
Marriage Jokes
1) Actual advertisement in The New York Post:
For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
2) Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come
I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Wishing
you a
wonderful
Labor Day!
3) Happy Anniversary:
"You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when
we were married."
"Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot
putt."
4) Good basis for marriage?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends
when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in
college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well
and I just act like I'm listening."
Owner
Judith Winters
We are an authorized Floriani & Janome
Sewing Machine Dealer.
We carry Jenny Haskins designs, patterns,
notions, fabric & books.
615-295-2998
www.absolutelyse.com
2705 Old Fort Parkway, Suite L, Murfreesboro, TN 37128
Tennessee Valley Construction Services
A Division of Patios and More, Inc.
Custom Home Construction and Remodeling
If You Can Dream It, We Can Build It!
SIDING • ROOFING • WINDOWS • DECKS • ADDITIONS • KITCHEN REMODELING
BATHROOM REMODELING • GUTTERS • GARAGES • POLE BARNS
Mon-Tues 9-4; Wed Closed; Thurs-Fri 9-4; Sat 9-2 Sun Closed
*All major credit cards accepted.
FREE ESTIMATES
4357 Sparta Hwy. • McMinnville, TN • 931-815-3330
(7
Settling a Cow Case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of
the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to
settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take
half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't
resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you
this, old man, but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won the case. The enTruck Tires • Car Tires
gineer was asleep and the fireman was in
Farm Tires • Road Service
the caboose when the train went through
OPEN
Brake &
7AM-5PM MON-SAT
your ranch that morning. I didn't have one
Mechanic
567
N.
Spring
St.,
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
Work
Sparta, TN
Available
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you,
931-836-TIRE
young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
Creative Paradise
Tanning & Lotions, Balloons, Gifts, Antiques
Fenton Ware, Gift Certificates
& Layaway Available
Ceramic classes now available!
Come and get your Holiday & Fall Bows!
Happy Labor Day!
7623 Manchester Hwy. • Morrison, TN
931-668-8334
“Where old-fashioned values can
still be found everyday!”
Get a jump on the season
with a full line of wood stoves
and accessories.
We also have rakes,
shovels, wheelbarrows
and axes.
(931)
738-3794
614 N. Spring St., Sparta, TN 38583
CASH
4
U
CASH 4 - U
PAWN
PAWN
Jewelry
Jewelry
Guitars
Guitars
Antiques
Antiques
Classes on Wed & Thurs.
$10 per class.
$5 to $10 if you use our
sewing machines.
931-657-7397
QUILTS & FABRIC
Custom Machine Quilting
After Labor Day Sale!
Everything on Sale
come check us out!
Thurs. & Fri. 9am-5pm
Sat 8am - 12pm
After Hours - Call for Appt.
Jennifer Grove, Owner
(931) 474-6038
106 Jackson St., McMinnville, TN 37110
Protect Your Special Memories
VHS Tapes to DVD’s • Full Studio Service
Home movies, “No mailing out of town”
Albums & Cassettes to CD’s
Couch’s
455-3421
David Bryant
728-0861
Wedding Filming (up to four camera wedding) - $500 and up
B&G Supply Company
Electronics
Electronics
TV’s
TV’s
Tools
Tools
WE
WE BUY
BUY GOLD
GOLD
WE BUY SILVER
931-507-9008
1620 Smithville Hwy
cash4upawnshop.com
cash4upawnshop.com
BUY ** SELL
SELL ** TRADE
TRADE ** PAWN
PAWN
BUY
8)
Judy Copeland • Owner
Gray Barn
White Co. Tire & Repair
Broadway Hardware Co.
We now
have Willow
Angels!
B&G Supply Company
Friendly Hometown Service
Family Owned & Operated Since 1968
632 West Broad St. • Smithville, TN
(615) 597-5035
We Make Difficult Times Easier For You
and Your Family
Service of Reverent Dignity & Beauty…
WOW!
High’s Inc.
We Have Hometown Services with
Everyday Low Prices!
24 Hour Recorded Funeral
Service Available
HUGE
101 N. College St., McMinnville, TN • (931) 473-2137
Stewart’s Pharmacy
Plaza Shopping Center • McMinnville
GIFT SETS AVAILABLE
Body Powder & Body Lotion
White Diamond, Passion, Red Door,
White Shoulders & More!
Fridge for Sale?
Huge after Labor Day Sale
Raymond, from Woodley, Reading, Berkshire purchased a
these locations!
atatBoth
Locations
new fridge. The local council wanted $20 to removeHUGE
his old
Classy ¢
Clearance
fridge in an environmentally friendly fashion, so in order to
By Clayton’s
& Shoes
save money he put it in his front garden with a sign that read,
"Free to a good home. You want it, please take it."
at these locations!
The fridge stood untouched for 4 days.
Classy
Raymond changed his tactics. He made a sign
saying,¢
Clearance
By Clayton’s Shoes
'Fridge for sale - $50.'
Serving the area for over 100 years
One day later the fridge disappeared: stolen.
Located at Merchants @ Corker in Tullahoma, TN
931-454-9798
We also carry…Fenton Glassware
& Sugarless Candy
All American & Nostalgic
Come by Stewart’s Lunchette
for great dowm home
cooked meal!
Located at Merchants @ Corker in Tullahoma, TN
931-454-9798
473-3183
Read Southern Humor
online at:
with Healthy Teeth!
108 W. Lincoln Street
Tullahoma, TN
931-455-2722
with Service, Quality & Fit
Good and Bad News
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have
some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
l
o
o
h
c
S
o
t
Back
Florence R. Conn
(931) 455-2722
108 W. Lincoln Street
Downtown Tullahoma
9:30-5:30 Mon. - Fri. • 9:30-12:00 Sat.
Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper in Town!
Call me today to place
your ad!
s
atient
New P ome!
Welc
• Cosmetic Dentistry
• Emergency Care
• Porcelain Crowns
• “Care Credit”
Financing
• Bridge Work
• Root Canals
• Extractions
35
Ads As Low As
$
Hickory Creek Dental Arts
J. Russell Hamblen, D.D.S.
Megan E. Hamblen, D.D.S.
Call Us Today! 668-4184
Pre-Need Funeral
Service Available
—SINCE 1925—
Total Family Dental Care
Insurance Welcome
Gentle Dentistry
We Cater to Our Patients!
2681 South Chancery at Hickory Creek
Near the High School in McMinnville, TN
Per Month
Pamela Hartman
Executive Sales
Mt. 6:33 Seek first the Kingdon of God and His righteousness
931-808-0299
931-473-7873
(9
108 W. Linc
Tullahom
931-455
Come tell Aunt Granny Margie!
Angela Heffington 9-16
Emily Turner 9-19
Granddaughter
of Joann
& Aubrey Turner
David Turner 9-5
Son of Joann
& Aubrey Turner
Kristen Griffith 9-4
Daughter of Janette
& Gordon Griffith
Andrew Barrett 9-24
Son of April
& Aaron Barrett
Brother to Sarah, Rebekah
& Aaron
I love you God's Love
Sweetie. Mimi
Happy Birthday to All!
Donna Turner 9-1
Kristen Griffith 9-4
Eric Rogers 9-12
Sharon Morris Bailey 9-13
Bobby Frazier 9-14
Maddie Wright 9-19
Shaela Asbury 9-27
Bethany Morrison 9-29
Happy Birthday
Kirsten Brown 8-27-1993
Ashton Rademacher 9-1-2008
Darlene Bright 9-3
Owner of Bright Ideas
I can't imagine the world
without you.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you so much for
all that you do for me.
Ahijah Griffith 9-24
Son of Janette & Gordon Griffith
A Special Birthday goes out to
Ms Nell Morrison @ Morrison Florist
Sept 30. We hope its your
best birthday ever.
10)
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
them speak.
6. War does not determine who is right 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
only who is left.
But, it's still on my list.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
3. Since light travels faster than sound,
5. We never really grow up, we only learn fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
some people appear bright until you hear how to act in public.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good
Evening,' then proceed to
Joyce Argo, Realtor
“In God We Trust!”
tell you why it isn't.
931-808-2271
www.joyceargo.com
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
www.johnargorealtor.com
Jane Wright, Broker
931-607-3861
Each office is independently owned and
operated. Equal housing opportunity.
1400 Neal St., Cookeville, TN 38501
Office: 931-520-6450 E-Fax: 931-221-0807
John Argo, Realtor
931-265-1248
MLS 151193 Close to town. Well kept home
with new metal roof and a new addition with
bath. McMinnville, Tn ONLY $114,900
MLS 155678 Awesome describes this 101
ac farm with 2 story home and cabin.
Make an appointment to see it today!
ONLY $849,000 Sparta
MLS 155663 Mature fruit trees, herbs,
flowering bushes, flower beds, barns,
outbuildings, stocked pond, grape arbor,
muscadine arbor, shed, what a deal!
ONLY $124,900
MLS 155933 Quiet neighborhood on
1.5 ac., front porch to rock on and a
sunroom to set in. Split bedroom design.
Level lawn with lots of flowers. ONLY
$139,999
MLS 157291 Beautiful home in quiet
gated community. Perfect for extended
families, basement fully finished w/
1 bedroom, complete kitchen, family
room. 784’ room above the garage w/ full
bath for extra quest. extra large garage.
ONLY $350,000 Allons, Tn
MLS # 156153 3/1.2 bath brick home
in country w/ large screened in back
porch. Wood burning stove- wood plank
floor, ceramic tile & carpet. Awesome
back yard perfect for family gatherings.
ONLY $125,K Doyle
MLS 156293 Quiet country setting on
cul-de-sac, split BR’s, open floorplan,
full basement, fenced back yard. Creek
on back of property. Basement has storm
shelter. Baxter ONLY $110,000
MLS 154696 Open floor plan home, kitchen
has large island w/ bar area, stainless steel
appliances, pantry, 3 bedrooms w/ possible
4th. Nice master suite with nursery or sitting
area. ONLY $169,900 Cookeville
A Real Honey of a Deal!
MLS 155742 Country life but close to
town. 3/1 home on 4.47 acres fenced with
barn ONLY $114.000. Cookeville
MLS 156866 Perfectly manicured, good
things come in small packages as is the case
with this 2 bedroom, 1 bath house w/ basement. Completely chain length fenced 1 ac.
Extra carports and sheds for cars & storage.
A must see! ONLY $74,500. Rock Island
MLS 156649 Property has beautiful
mature trees with blue line creek running through the middle, city water,
electric & ph. easily accessible, multiple possible building spots available
rock ledge @ back of property, close
to convenient store, 1 hr. from Chattanooga, Cookeville or Crossville. Sale
of property includes all mineral right.
ONLY $33,K Pikeville
MLS 152033 31.98 acres is mostly
wooded. There is 3 caves on this property and a 2/2 mobile home. There is plenty
of room to ride your horses or 4 wheelers. Don’t miss this exceptional property.
ONLY $125,000 Doyle, Tn
MLS 156282 When location matters!!!
Immaculate 3 story home nestled on private treed lot in the heart of Cookeville.
Private balcony off DR and MB. Open
floor plan, breakfast bar, living area
w/ FP and flat screen TV. Upscale light
fixtures & ceiling fans. Jack & Jill bath
between bedrooms. Complete with 2 car
garage. Cookeville $119,900
MLS # 141772 66 ACRES WITH A
CREEK ACROSS THE BACK . Flat
to gently rolling. Private well and large
pond. ONLY $250,000. Morrison, Tn
MLS 156025 a private/planned community. Approx. 2500 square feet. 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths with a roomy in-laws
quarters, 4 car detached garage. Small
creek flows through the backyard. Quiet
and peaceful yet minutes from town and
only 5 miles from Fall Creek Falls State
Park. $200,000.
9. To steal ideas from
one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus
stations. Trains stop in
train stations. On my desk
is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted
a career. Turns out I just
wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was
your fault, I said I was
blaming you.
14. Women will never
be equal to men until they
can walk down the street
with a bald head and a
beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience
is the sign of a fuzzy
memory.
MLS 156293 Quiet country setting on
cul-de-sac, split BR’s, open floorplan,
full basement, fenced back yard. Creek a
MLS 157732 Excellent rental or starter
home. In city limits close to everything.
ONLY $60,000. Cookeville shelter.
Baxter ONLY $110,000
17. You do not need a
parachute to skydive. You
only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
(11
IN HONOR OF LABOR DAY
SIT.RELAX.
WATCH TV!
Just let the
NEW Hopper
Whole-Home
HD DVR System
do the work!
QUAlIFyING
Whole-hoMe hD DVR systeM WIth
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• PrimeTime Anytime™ lets you record every
primetime show in HD on the four major networks*
• AutoHop™ lets you skip commercials when
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• Record and store up to 2,000 hours
FOR 12 MONTHS WITH
24-MONTH AGREEMENT
*Feature must be enabled by customer. Monthly DVR fee and receiver fees apply.
&
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Not eligible with
Hopper
Regularly $10/mo (for one disc at a time)
offer subject to change based on premium movie channel availability.
NATIONAL COMMUNICATIONS INC
NATIONAL 9318362600
COMMUNICATIONS INC
8664919030
931-836-2600
142 CHURCHILL DRIVE
866-491-9030
SPARTA,
TN 38583
142 CHUCHCHILL DRIVE
SPARTA, TN 38583
PrimeTime Anytime feature is only available with ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC in HD. AutoHop feature is only available with playback of select HD primetime shows on ABC, CBS,
FOX and NBC as part of PrimeTime Anytime feature. Both features must be enabled by customer and are subject to availability.
Blockbuster @Home (1 disc at a time): Only available with new qualifying DISH service activated between 8/01/12 and 1/31/13. For the first 3 months of your subscription, you will receive Blockbuster @Home free (regularly $10/mo). After 3 months, then-current regular price applies. Requires online DISH
account for discs by mail; broadband Internet to stream content; HD DVR to stream to TV. Exchange online rentals for free in-store movie rentals at participating Blockbuster stores. Offer not available in Puerto Rico or U.S. Virgin Islands. Streaming to TV and some channels not available with select packages.
Digital Home Advantage plan requires 24-month agreement and credit qualification. Cancellation fee of $17.50/month remaining applies if service is terminated before end of agreement. With qualifying packages, Online Bonus credit requires AutoPay with Paperless Billing, email opt-in for DISH E-Newsletter,
and online redemption at www.mydish.com/getonlinebonus no later than 45 days from service activation. After applicable promotional period, then-current price will apply. $10/mo HD add-on fee waived for life of current account; requires continuous enrollment in AutoPay with Paperless Billing. 3-month
premium movie offer value is up to $132; after 3 months then-current price applies unless you downgrade. Free Standard Professional Installation only. All equipment is leased and must be returned to DISH upon cancellation or unreturned equipment fees apply. Upfront fee, monthly fees, and limits on number
and type of receivers will apply. PrimeTime Anytime feature not available in all markets. Number of recording hours will vary. 2000 hours based on SD programming. Equipment comparison based on equipment currently available from major TV providers as of 8/01/12. HD programming requires HD television.
All prices, packages, programming, features, functionality and offers subject to change without notice. Offer available for new and qualified former customers, and subject to terms of applicable Promotional and Residential Customer agreements. Additional restrictions may apply. Offer ends 1/31/13. HBO®,
Cinemax® and related channels and service marks are the property of Home Box Office, Inc. SHOWTIME is a registered trademark of Showtime Networks Inc., a CBS Company. STARZ and related channels and service marks are property of Starz Entertainment, LLC.
12)

September - Southern Humor

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