June - Southern Humor

Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper
P.O. Box 7335
McMinnville, TN 37111
in Town!
931-668-7377
Celebrating 14 Years
of Laughter!
How to handle Stupid Questions
I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog
chow for our dogs , in the check-out line, when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else
would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up, in the hospital the
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it
was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load
your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her
no, I stepped off a curb to chase a cat, and a car hit
me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch
what you ask me and be prepared for my answer….
Nah! I'm just kidding!!!
Dad Joke from Grandad
None of my grandsons share my corny sense
of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say,
“Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell
through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And
when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked,
“Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against
the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Dad's Grocery List
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and
never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him.
When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go
to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a
carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and
proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one
bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants,
and seven green peppers.
I bet the guys won't get this! LOL
FREE
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“Living life one
acre at a time”
Authorized
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Dealer
Russell Long - Owner
931-498-4848
931-319-1851
105 Rickman Monterey Hwy
Cookeville, TN 38506
[email protected]
June 2016
Volume 15, No. 70
County Work
Maurice stopped at a country gas station. While
filling his tank, he watched a couple of men working along the road. One man would dig a hole about
three feet deep and then the other man would fill it.
Then the first man would dig a new hole and the second man would fill it. After about five holes were dug
and filled, Maurice said to the man, "Can you tell me
what's going on here? One of you is digging a hole
and the other is filling it up, You're not accomplishing
anything, Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," the first man said,
as he wiped his brow. "Normally there's three of us
- Me, Vijay, and Charley. I dig the hole, Vijay sticks
in the tree, and Charley here puts the dirt back. But
today Vijay got sick and stayed home." "Yeah," said
Charley. "But just because Vijay isn't here doesn't
mean the two of us can't do our jobs, does it?"
Happy Father's Day!
The All “New” Bill Boruff
Jason Phy
Sales Professional
Accidents Happen Even to You!
120 Auto Lane, Sparta, TN 38583
931.738.9275 • [email protected]
Direct Line: 931.265.6234
THE
Garden
Cafe
931-498-3322
3880 Cookeville Hwy, Cookeville,TN 38506(
(Rickman Community)
Give us a call
Hoover & Son
INSURANCE
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FOR ADVERTISING INFORMATION PLEASE CALL…931-212-7952. Visit Us Online at: www.SouthernHumor.net
Making Amens with the IRS
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and
deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing
that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a
check for $150. If
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
Classy Closet
Comfort Chairs 3 Styles to choose from
Computer Desks
Sofas & Sleeper Sofas
Lamps-Floor & Table
King & Queen Beds
Décor Pictures
Computer Chairs
Night Stands
Tables, End Tables, Coffee Tables
Wardrobe
Armoire * DVD;s * TV’s
Thanks for the Soda, Pop!
Before I took the old family car to college, my
father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled
with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough,
my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening
to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine
819 W. Broad St., Cookeville, TN 38501 *
and saw how well he knew 931-646-4880
me. The oil cap was laSee our inventory at warehousetn.com
beled Dr Pepper, the transmission
stick, Coke, and
the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished
the trip safely.
What did the paper clip say to
the magnet?
I find you very attractive!
Broadway Hardware Co.
“Where old-fashioned values can still be found everyday!”
Happy Father’s
Day!
Happy Father’s
Day!
Open 7 Days
a Week
Buy Dad a Case
Knives, or Lawn &
Garden Tools or a
Gift Certificate.
Rugs, Jewelry, Purses, Furniture, Pictures,
Shoes, Clothes from infants to Men’s
& Plus sizes.
Crossville Outlet Center, Suite 120.
931-787-1599
Warehouse
Hotel
Furniture
& Estate
Liquidation
Comfort Chairs 3 Styles to choose from
Computer Desks
Sofas & Sleeper Sofas
Lamps-Floor & Table
King & Queen Beds
Décor Pictures
Computer Chairs
Night Stands
Tables, End Tables, Coffee
Tables, Wardrobe
Armoire * DVD;s * TV’s
819 W. Broad St., Cookeville, TN 38501
See our inventory at warehousetn.com
Lower Price
Bulk Order Dis s!
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931-646-4880
Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"
…Friendship is the thread that
keeps us all connected.
Gray Barn
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(931)
BARGAIN
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614 N. Spring St., Sparta, TN 38583
106 Jackson St., McMinnville, TN 37110
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Get Out of Jail Fast!
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Parenting the Dad-Joke Way
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair,
twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said
to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you
doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
Elaine’s
HAIR DESIGN
Elaine Rains
Audra Campbell
473-9647
Open: Tuesday-Thursday
Friday-Saturday
85 Bratten St.
McMinnville
No Such Thing as a Free Yacht
Decoration Flowers
& Flowers For All Occasions
Full Service Florist!
Good
Supply of
Vases
& Saddles
Morrison’s Florist
Serving You Since 1968
931-473-3003 Day or Night
100 Clark St., McMinnville, TN
Owners: Carl & Nell Morrison
My Kids dont know what I do
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my
kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my
son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I
could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think
they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he
said. “They’ll hire
anybody.”
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000
personalized pens for his business with the promise
that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A
born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens
arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht
with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
A Trashy Career
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he
grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbage man,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on
Tuesdays.”
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the
bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s
not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can
see the numbers.”
Time for a
Policy Update?
Complete Insurance Services
• Automotive
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Insurance Consultant
[email protected]
www.themackiegroup.net
THE MACKIE GROUP Cell 981.808.8840
LIFE • HEALTH • RETIREMENT
Fax
931.837.7724
305 East Bockman Way, Sparta, TN 38583
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(3
NEED TIRES?
Thrifts & Gifts Galore
New & Used Tires
Open everday but Wednesday.
Come Check out our decorative
tire planters! Vintage Barbie Dolls,
Guitars, Tools, Homemade candles,
Jewelry, Vintage Door Knobs, Dolls,
Audio Books, and lots more!
Joshua King - Owner
FINANCING & WARRANTIES AVAILABLE
352 W Morford St, McMinnville, TN 37110
Call David Drannan
the Mechanic on Duty.
615-215-9174
POKEY’S
INDOOR Yard Sale
FIX-A-FLAT
We have a variety of new and gently used items
for your shopping pleasure.
Victory Truck Lighting
1835 Smithville Hwy, McMinnville, TN 37110
931-273-1994
LED & Incandescentt Vehicle
Lighting & Accessories & More!
931-507-2244
Terry Fowler, Owner
Lester Fowler, Founder
Body &
Frame Repairing
Painting
BODY SHOP 931-473-5421
210 Old Morrison Rd., McMinnville, TN 37110 • Fax: (931) 473-7061
Willie; Yesterday I tied a string around my finger
to remind me to do something. But then I stayed up
all night trying to remember what it was. Finally at 7
am., I remembered why the string was around my
finger.
Lilly: So, what did you want to remind yourself
to do ?
Willie: Go to bed early.
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde
drove past a sign that said Clean Restrooms 8 miles.
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.
Butch: How was your first class in American history?
Junior; Outstanding. I already made a huge discovery about the Civil War.
Butch: What's that?
Junior; Many battles were fought at National
Park sites!
Maria; I invited John over Friday night for a homecooked meal.
Marlena; How romantic!
Maria; I planned to cook something fabulous, so I
watched the Food Network and took notes to get the
perfect idea.
Marlena; Very smart! So what did you make?
Maria; Nothing. Before I knew it, eight hours had
passed and he was at the door, so we ordered a
pizza.
4)
633 West Broad
Smithville, TN 37166
Tire Service
Ask for Gary
Airline agent: What can I do for you, Sir?
Max; I'd like you to send one of my bags to New
York, one to Los Angeles , and one to Miami.
Airline agent; We can't do that!
Max; Why not? You did it last week!
Lazy Louis; I demand a raise!
Boss; But you're doing a lousy job!
Lazy Louis; That's right! The work is much harder if you don't know what you're doing!
615-289-5644
Shipped to Your Door
185 Trousdale Way - Hartsville TN 37074
Limited Lifetime
Warranty on LED
Victory
Truck Lighting
Lighting
LED & Incandescent Vehicle Lighting & Accessories & More
www.
STUFF4MYTRUCK .com
Shipped to Your Door
Phone
615 - 289 - 5644
Limited Lifetime W arranty on LED Lighting
PayPal / Visa / Master Accepted
Romans 10:9-13 Confess • Believe • Turn • Follow
“We Sell Heavy Duty Truck Grille Guards
and Panelite Millennium LED Lights”
Romans 10:9-13 Confess • Believe • Turn • Follow
Monty; My dog kept biting my mother-in-law so
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I took him to the vet.
Bartender; Did you put
it to sleep?
Ready. Set. Save on
Monty; No, I had its
Kubota’s Z700 Series
teeth sharpened.
615-808-0808
Zero-Turn Mowers.
The Boss came early in
the morning one day and
found his secretary kissing
a messenger. He shouted at
her, "Is this what I pay you
for?" She replied, "No , sir, I
do this free of charge."
What a Card!
Father’s Day was near
when I brought my threeyear-old son, Tyler, to the
card store. Inside, I showed
him the cards for dads and
told him to pick one.
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card
after another, opening them
up and quickly shoving
them back into slots, every
which way. “Tyler, what are
you doing?” I asked.
“Haven’t you found a
nice card for Daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m
looking for one with money
in it.”
$
0 Down, 0% Financing for 48 Months
*
A.P.R.
Offer ends 6/30/16.
TENNESSEE VALLEY
TRACTOR
532 HARRISON FERRY RD
McMINNVILLE, Tennessee 37110
(931) 474-1201
*$0 down, 0% A.P.R. financing for up to 48 months on purchases of new Kubota Z700 Series equipment is available
to qualified purchasers from participating dealers’ in-stock inventory through 6/30/2016. Example: A 48-month
monthly installment repayment term at 0% A.P.R. requires 48 payments of $20.83 per $1,000 financed. 0% A.P.R.
interest is available to customers if no dealer documentation preparation fee is charged. Dealer charge for document
preparation fee shall be in accordance with state laws. Inclusion of ineligible equipment may result in a higher
blended A.P.R. 0% A.P.R. and low-rate financing may not be available with customer instant rebate offers. Financing
is available through Kubota Credit Corporation, U.S.A., 3401 Del Amo Blvd., Torrance, CA 90503; subject to credit
approval. Some exceptions apply. Offer expires 6/30/2016. See us for details on these and other low-rate options or
go to www.kubota.com for more information. Optional equipment may be shown.
kubota.com
© Kubota Tractor Corporation, 2016
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ROCK ISLAND MARKET
&
RESTAURANT
Open 6 Days | Closed Mondays | Hunting & Fishing Licenses
Live Bait Minnows, Crickets, Night Crawlers & Red Worms
Artificial Bait - Picnic Supplies - Gas - Ice
Tanning Salon
1 mile from Rock Island State Park
I love to eat at
Rock Island Market
and Get Worms
Great Home Cooking & Desserts
Eat Here & Get Worms!
931.686.2007
PACKAGES
Silver $35.78
Gold $47.70
Platinum $59.63
Diamond $119.25
ages
Yearly Packle
b
a
il
a
Av
SINGLE VISITS
20 min bed $4.77
15 min bed $7.16
12 min stand up bed $9.54
Massage Bed only $76.48
Cocoon Massage Bed $21.85
381 W. Bockman Way, Sparta, TN 38583
HOURS: Mon-Fri 9am-8pm
Sat 9am-4pm, Sundays CLOSED
Rock Island Community Yard Sale
Rock Island, TN
Saturday June 11th 9:00 - 5:00
C’ya at the Daisy
Wednesday-Saturday 10am - 5:00 pm
931-686-LAZY (5299) • 662-587-1366
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Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper in Town!
Advertise
here and help
me bring
laughter
to the world.”
Call me today to place your ad!
[email protected]
1237 Rock Island Rd (Hwy 136)
Rock Island, TN 38581
Who is the Winner?
The father of five children had won a toy at a
raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one
should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? and
"Who does everything mother says?"
Five small voices replied in unison. "Okay daddy!
You get the toy."
A clergyman walking down a country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto
a cart after it had fallen off.
" You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't
you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
" No thanks." said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have
a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father
would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman
said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the
load of hay."
The Chase
Outta Mouths of Children
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David
Parsons had kissed her after lessons. "How did that
happen?" asked her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch
him."
Tidbits for Thought
New Fabric, New Quilts, Several Fat
Quarters Bundles to choose from.
New Patterns. Fast Turnaround on quilts!
Country Lane Quilts
931-808-0299
930 Vaughn Lane, Smithville, TN 37166
email: [email protected]
“We’re the
best place in
town to take
a leak!”
615-684-3783 615-215-8696
ONE DAY
SERVICE!
New & Rebuilt
Radiators In-Stock,
Gas Tanks Cleaned,
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Howard
Mayberry
931-526-9409
931-260-8438
Cell
ALL WORK IS
GUARANTEED!
The quality remains long
after the price is forgotten.
Radiator Shop
435 West Broad Street, Cookeville, TN 38501
eville
Cook
Since
1935
931-526-2013
hi Eclipse
is
2001 Mitsub
$
2895
1. Christ can forgive any trespass.
He can overlook none.
2. If you forget your sins, God will remember them.
But, if you confess your sins, God will forgive
and forget them.
Pamela Hartman
Executive Sales
Mt. 6:33 Seek first the Kingdon of God and His righteousness
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas,
my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help
laughing as they neared their destination and she
heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember —
run to Dad first, then the dog.”
Helping Your Father
931-837-8826
96 Great Falls Road, Rock Island, TN 38581
Live Bait & Tackle
Pop vs Pup!
3. Why should man pay such a high price
for damnation when salvation is free?
Mitchell’s Automotive
SALES • SERVICE • TOWING
204 Morford St. • McMinnville
931-474-1789
Buy Here Pay Here
WE FINANCE!
Due to our deadline some units may be sold.
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Southernhumor.net(5
HAPPY
Happy Birthday
to Ronnie Gunter 6-7
My Wonderful Son, I love you!
Happy 50 Birthday
Sid Grove June 10
We love you from all your family!
Happy Birthday to
Sherry Tubbs 6-17
A great friend of mine.
Love ya Sherry
Thanks for all you do for me.
Lisa Gunter 6-19
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Ralph Rieben 6-21
to all June Birthdays!
Daniel Bailey 6-25
June Prater 6-6
Savanah Scott 6-26
Waymon Hale 6-17
Gordon Griffith 6-27
Dalton Hillis 6-18
Geraldene
Wilkerson 6-30
Kiersten Lance 6-18
Happy Birthday
Melvin Beecher 6-25
My Favorite Brother-in-law.
6)
Happy Anniversary to Sharon
& Dan Bailey 6-1
Happy Anniversary to Pamela
& Perry Hartman 6-11
Joe & Darlene Bright 6-12
Happy Anniversary to Faye
& Billy Cunningham 6-17
Happy Anniversary to Darin
& Tami Lance 6-18
Brought to You By Our Loyal Advertisers. Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
4 Floors Knocking
Somewhere in the city there was a small apartment building. There were four floors and 1 person
lived on each floor. On the first floor there lived a
policeman. Everybody could tell it was him at the
door because he knocked once. On the second floor
there lived a fireman. Everybody could tell it was him
at the door because he knocked twice. On the third
floor there lived a blind man. Everybody could tell
it was him at the door because he knocked three
times. On the fourth floor there lived a woman. Everybody could tell it was her at the door because
she knocked four times.
One day the woman was in the shower and she
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heard one knock at the door. She put on her robe
and answered the door. It was the policeman. He
said "Guess what! Guess what! I just made my first
arrest!" Then he left and the woman went back in the
shower. Then she heard two knocks at the door, so
she put on her robe and answered the door. It was
the fireman. He said "Guess what! Guess what! I
just saved a person from a burning building!" then
he left and she went back in the shower.
A while later she heard 3 knocks at the door.
She knew it was the blind man, so she didn't put
on her robe and she answered the door. He said
"Guess what! Guess what! I just got my sight back!"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home
from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act
of robbing her home of valuables, she yelled, "Stop!
Acts, 2:38!"( Repent and be baptized, in the name of
Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman
calmly called the police and explained what she had
done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he
asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All
the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"SCRIPTURE?" replied the burglar, "She said
she had an AX and two 38's."
Pokey’s
Turn Key Bail Bonding
Let me
help you
with your
VA Loan!
931-607-3861
615-597-9174
Joyce Argo, Realtor
John Argo, Realtor
Jane Wright, Broker
[email protected]
931-265-1248
www.johnargorealtor.com
[email protected]
Granny catches robber...
Donna Pedigo 931-474-1121
Mark Pedigo 615-597-9174
931-808-2271
[email protected]
1400 Neal St., Cookeville, TN 38501
Office: 931-520-6450 E-Fax: 931-221-0807
Each office is independently owned and
operated. Equal housing opportunity.
“We have the Key to set you FREE!”
MLS 174027 Bring your family and the animals to this country
home that is in the city of Baxter. 5.5 acres 3 bedroom 3 bath
ranch home. Baxter
SOLD
MLS 173973 - COOKEVILLE
MLS 175075 This home is very child friendly. Upstairs bedroom has a play room, large yard, room for horse, master
bedroom & bath on main level. Home offers open floor plan.
2 bedrooms upstairs. Don’t miss this great home w/ a great
location. 8 miles from TN Tech.
Truck Tires • Car Tires
Farm Tires • Road Service
OPEN
7AM-5PM MON-SAT
MLS 173365 21.41 acres gently rolling with beautiful home
sites. Perfect for horses or cattle. All utilities available at the
road.
567 N. Spring St.,
Sparta, TN
931-836-TIRE
SOLD
SOLD
Brake &
Mechanic
Work
Available
Toliver’s
specializing in gold, silver & diamonds
Top Prices Paid! Let us buy your gold!
MLS 171443
MLS 173654
MLS 172951 Awesome brick home on 1 landscaped acre lot bordered by
Blackburn Fork Creek. Home retreat to your ultra plush master suite w/
sitting area, master bath w/walk-in closet. This home is move in ready w/
vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors, central vacuum, large family room, large
2 car garage. Cookeville
White Co. Tire & Repair
MLS 174511 When you want a mountain view in a quiet
neighborhood check this house out. Main house was built
in 1996, with a large addition added in 2006 featuring large
family room w/ fireplace, extra bedroom, half bath, extended
master bath with jet tub. 2 CH&A units, 2 safe rooms reinforced w/ extra wood, lots of closet space. There are 2 gas
backup heaters installed, one in the LR and one in the family room. New carpet installed in the family room and 4th
bedroom. You’ll absolutely love the large back deck and
screened porch. Deck off master bedroom is wired for a hot
tub. 10 yr. old roof. There are 3 lots for a total of 1.3 AC. 10X16
storage shed. Move in Ready!
SOLD
We Buy…
Gold • Silver • Coins
Large Selections of Rods & Reels, Weed eaters,
Push & Riding Lawn Mowers, Boats, Jet Skis,
all kinds of summer items!
Summer Items Reduction Sale
up to 50% Off!
110 N. Spring St. “On The Square”
Manchester, TN
931-728-2360
MLS 172577
Thank the Advertisers for the…FUNNIEST PAPER IN TOWN! Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
(7
Come visit the “QUACKS” at Tennessee Credit!
WE’RE SERIOUS ABOUT FINANCING
…but we have fun doing it too!
Our office “Quacks!” See our duck faces!
Front row left to right is Randall Dunn Owner, new manager
Linda Vinson. Back row left to right is Amanda Rowland,
Leann Redmon & Kristin Griffith
Tennessee Credit is pleased to announce that
Linda Vinson has joined their team as the new manager in the McMinnville office.
Linda comes to Tennessee Credit with 13 years of
financing experience. Linda graduated from Warren
County High School in 1990. She is happily married
to Brian Vinson and they have 5 children between
them. She enjoys Kayaking and spending time with
her family.
Tennessee Credit has been in business for 15 years
and is a home- owned and home - operated business.
All decision are made locally. Welcome aboard Linda!
Tennessee “Home Owned
CREDIT & Operated” 931-507-0111
Come see us today!
482 N. Chancery St. • McMinnville
Tell them you saw their picture in the funny paper!