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ISSUE 01/ 2013: THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS
LANCE CASH
GUN DEBATE
THE BLUE ROSE
ZOMBIES
Save
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FEATURES
12
Workplace Safety
12
Student Loans
12
The Price Of Beauty
12
The Gun Debate
12
Get Ready, Get A Chainsaw: Zombie Survival
12
Photographic Feature: Lance Cash
12
The Negative Ontology of Modern Videogames: A Short Story Starring Zynga As Itself
12
Interview: Shaun Johnson
12
Mills & Poon: The Adventures Of Dick Hardy
12
Interview: Behind The Blue Rose
REgulars
The Back
Editorial
04
Fresh Meat, Raw Talent
58
Letters
18
Interview: Junica
60
Local Notices
26
Columns
62
In Short
66
Reviews
64
68
Comics & Puzzles
70
4
E d i to r i a l
EDITOR
Morgan Browne
[email protected]
(04) 801 5799 ext. 62136
DESIGN & LAYOUT
Sean Walker
[email protected]
(04) 801 5799 ext. 62064
ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP
Jacob Webb
[email protected]
(04) 801 5799 ext. 62067
CONTRIBUTORS
Morgan Browne, Yvette Morrissey, Tasmin
Wheeler, Jayne Grace, Charlie Mitchell, Logan
Carr, Shaun Mawdsley, Blake Leitch, Yasmine
Jellyman, Jimmy Jansen, Dick Hardy, Nicole
Canning, Claydan Krivan-Mutu, Callum Lovell,
Callum O’Neill, Elizabeth Beattie, Amie Broxton,
Billy Bunfingers, Tara Mascara, Abigail Leggett,
Paul Berrington, Sophie Francis, Samme Prangley,
Jae Hee Lee
ILLUSTRATORS & Photographers
Lance Cash, Brodie Nel, Graham Frost,
Jacob Sparrow, Sean Walker
PUBLISHER
massivemagazine.org.nz
Massivemagazine.org.nz
ISSUE 01/ 2013
Welcome to the new university year. If you’re new to
Massey, welcome; you made the right choice in selecting
the provider of your tertiary education! It has been
said that Massey students are more intelligent, better
looking, and considerably more fun than other students.
If you ask any past or returning Massey student, I’m sure
they’ll agree. Welcome also to your student publication
MASSIVE magazine. This is another reason why you’re
in the right place – MASSIVE is the only student
magazine in New Zealand that covers three cities.
Our 30,000 readers are spread between Auckland,
Palmerston North, and Wellington, and we are proud
to represent the student culture of Massey University,
being the voice of students from all ages, backgrounds
and interests. MASSIVE also echoes the sentiments of
the past and returning Massey students – you can caress
each page lovingly and squeeze the paper folds during
long, cold nights, because MASSIVE thinks you’re
quite intelligent and not so bad looking, either.
After an incredibly successful initiation into the
world, it will be MASSIVE’s second birthday this year
which puts us in the ‘terrible twos’. It has been screamed
by sleep-deprived mothers that the ‘terrible twos’ is
the worst time of the child’s upbringing, with the baby
beast running amok, causing havoc and destroying
everything in its wake. Others may say that the ‘twos’
are when the little creature learns and tries new tricks,
develops an imagination and starts to express itself.
Bearing this in mind, the content reflected in this issue
is the uncovering of new stories with tiny tastes of
quirky quips and diversity to inform, inspire, and invoke
thought and laughter. In this issue we give you a rundown about what is happening on each campus during
Orientation and where you can go to get help and have a
good time. The main features include workplace safety,
student loans, the zombie apocalypse, NRL star Shaun
Johnson, and Facebook games, with enough sex, laughs,
and scandal on the side to tickle all of your fanciful
desires. Dick Hardy (our resident horn-dog) returns
with more salacious sexcapades, and you can count on
Guru to continue answering those pesky questions that
you have been fruitlessly trying to self-diagnose with
Google.
The MASSIVE team has been working hard to
bring you the whole MASSIVE experience, where we
aim for bigger giveaways, an upcoming MASSIVE TV
reportage, and more ways for you to get connected.
Because this is the first issue of 2013, we aren’t like
pre-cum juice from the tomato sauce bottle, but are (like
the pre-sauce) paving the path for the awesome content
that is yet to come. This content comes from you.
MASSIVE is written by students for students, and it
is our goal to help you get your work published and your
voice heard. Whether you’re an budding journalist, film
critic, photographer, illustrator, or businessman, or you
are just interested in contributing in any way, MASSIVE
can help you get there. It is a bit of give and take because
this little beast still needs your involvement and tasty
morsels to continue growing. Feel free to contact
me anytime and we can sus out how you can join the
team. Likewise, contact me if you have any suggestions,
questions, feedback, or thoughts.
Have a wonderful first few weeks of semester –
MASSIVE encourages you to get involved in campus life
as much as possible – who knows what sexy specimen is
in that cool pet rock club or what sort of benefits come
from reading or writing in MASSIVE?
Until next time,
Morgan Browne
MASSIVE Editor
Find us on Facebook! www.facebook.com/
MASSIVE.Magazine or follow us on Twitter @
massivemagNZ. This is where you’ll find all the free
stuff !
5
LETTERS
MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and sizes.
They should be preferably emailed to editor@
massivemagazine.org.nz although they can be
dropped into any students’ association office.
The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or
just plain bastardise them and will refuse any that
are in bad taste or defamatory. You may write in
anonymously.
EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive
a prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This
month, it is a 250 gram bag of Peoples’ Coffee.
Email [email protected] to arrange
collection of your prize.
Following this horrid display, I promptly went to the
boy and explained the ‘no spitting’ warning signs found
throughout the campus. It was my intent to educate, but
clearly his was to simply insult.
After I explained, both boys laughed in my face
before the individual that spat his spittle said to me, and
I make no lie, “Sorry grams”!
They then walked off laughing! This absolutely
alarmed me for a number of reasons, but I shall keep
this short.
Firstly, there was no respect for the signs laid out by
the university. Second, there was no respect for their
elders. Third, there was no respect in their apology.
In my day, respect was everything. Now it seems that
modern ways of life are disintegrating the very civility of
our being. I am appalled and disgruntled.
Sincerely,
Once again, I am appalled. And disgruntled
WE NEED TO EAT TOO
Dear Editor,
I wish to express my thoughts regarding the new
menu options at Tussock Café at Massey Wellington.
Whilst in the university over summer (groan), I
noticed the new menu board up on the wall behind
the counter and as a strict life-time plant only chomper,
I am beyond ecstatic to see the new range of meatless
options available. After also being an avid reader of your
publication, I read several negative stories regarding
the unnaturally high prices of items offered in Tussock.
Although the prices may still be higher than the average
debt riddled student can afford, the varietal range of
offerings has seemingly improved monumentally. Good
on you, Tussock – may fellow plant chompers rejoice!
Sincerely,
Vegesaurus Rex
SPITTING RAGE OVER RUDE
YOUNG STUDENTS
Dear Editor,
I would like to put forth my feelings on the
happenings of university lifestyle. As what one may call
a mature student, I am flabbergasted at some of the filth
that occurs during my hours of study.
After I completed one of my summer school lectures
recently, I walked out of class to find two boys with
strange haircuts (my niece said something about rats
tails?). Disturbed enough at the new wave fashion, one
of these boys proceeded to cough up sputum and spit it
on to the grass nearby!
MASSIVE (BEING THE
OPERATIVE WORD)
Dear Editor,
As a long time non-reader of your publication, I
have a bone to pick with you. I work out. A lot. Like,
three times a day. I often see your magazine littering the
entrance to the gym, fluttering in the breeze as people
step around it, hoping it will just leave us all alone. Every
time I step over it, I notice the title. MASSIVE. In bold,
obnoxious caps, it loudly declares my greatest insecurity
and spits it in my face.
For a man, I am not vertically gifted, nor do I have a
strong, natural base of musculature. Because of this, I am
less likely to be the CEO of a company, less likely to have
a beautiful girlfriend, and less likely to be highly regarded
by my peers. I have come to terms with this - after all, it
is society at fault, not myself. Despite my unfortunate
genetic circumstance, I happen to be in excellent shape,
and frequently urge others to respect their bodies and
pursue the physical limits of their personal carriage.
Herein lies the problem - the title of your publication,
MASSIVE, simultaneously celebrates sloth and mocks
the genetically impoverished. It alienates those who
are small, by mocking our inherent inability to large,
and celebrates those who can be large, most of whom
are obese. Why is it ‘good’ to be massive? So good, in
fact, that you named your little magazine in the hopes
of aligning yourself with the word? A person’s a person
no matter how small, said the great poet Dr. Suess - if
you weren’t too busy slinging filth at the un-statuesque,
you would perhaps consider the Doctor’s message, and
make a concerted effort not to grossly offend everyone
who doesn’t fit your pre-conceived notions of ‘goodness’.
I’ve never read your magazine. I never will. It hurts
too much, honestly, to know such hatred and exclusion
can be cast out with a mere title - I shudder to think of
the rampant, vile acrimony contained within its pages.
I’ll concede that Massive is an appropriate title for your
publication in one respect - it is a Massive waste of
everyone’s time.
Sincerely,
‘Dragon’ Holyoake
No response from students’
association
Dear Editor,
I am a Massey student from Wellington. I have
just moved to Auckland (transferred to the Albany
campus) and wrote to the Albany Students’ Association
in December (on Facebook) to ask about student
accommodation for when I moved up. I never heard
back and had to take a chance and try find my own place
when I moved up, which was difficult and stressful. As
I was new to the city, I wanted to stay close and in the
uni managed buildings. To be honest, I was kind of
disappointed because, in the past, I regularly contacted
the other uni affiliated Facebook pages and received a
reply within a day. It was always nice to have help and
guidance with such matters and I expected a reply
when I went out of my way to contact them directly.
Since it was December, I understand that people were
away on holiday, but the message came up with ‘seen’
and the time that the user of the Association page saw
my message. To think that they saw my message and
blatantly didn’t bother to reply or help me out really
pisses me off. For the sake of ruining people’s opinions
of the Association, they better get their act/s together
and their social media use in check.
Regards,
Pissed off
Massive LETTERS
6
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7
MASSIVE IN SHORT
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND the other clichés
MASSEY LECTURER CAUGHT WITH OVER 10,000 PHOTOS OF NAKED BOYS
Yvette Morrissey
A former Massey lecturer who was in court over possessing more than 10,000 photos of nude boys was a popular lecturer with students and staff.
Neville Keith Honey, 61, even won an award in 2010
for excellence in teaching, having taught genetics at
Massey for 29 years.
On January 22 in Palmerston North District Court
he was fined $5,000 and sentenced to 15 months’ intensive supervision on charges of possession of thousands
of images of young naked boys.
The Manawatu Standard reported from court that
Honey claimed he didn’t realise his collection of nude
photographs was illegal. The newspaper reported that
the police search of his home in September 2011 found
90 CDS and DVDS locked inside a chest, and 40 more
in a writing desk. The disc contained 10,043 images,
while another contained 324 movies.
The newspaper reported Judge Jennifer Binns as saying that the material was mostly of young naked boys.
MASSIVE spoke to students who had encountered
Honey during their time at Massey University before his
resignation after semester 2 last year.
One said “he was nice enough, knew his stuff but he
was pretty quiet.”
On feedback website Review It, one said Honey’s paper 203.203 Human Genetics, was “AWESOME - one
of my favourites over the many years of study.”
Another said Honey was “the best lecturer I had in
my entire degree – honest. He was one of the reasons
I kept going with genetics. Anyone in our institute will
agree with how good he was at teaching.”
Massey University became aware of his offending
last year, said External Communications spokesperson
James Gardiner.
“We’re not aware of any suggestion that any of the offending occurred within the Massey environment.”
Honey is not allowed to access the internet without
permission from his probation officer during his sentence and is now also undertaking counselling.
According to The Manawatu Standard, defence lawyer Peter Coles said none of the images contained boys
engaged in sexual activity, and Honey’s offending was
the least serious of its type and ‘‘clearly not a matter for
a prison sentence”.
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Massive IN SHORT
8
18 Again: How Tight Are the Facts?
Nicole Canning
The age-old sport of sex is riddled with judgments,
rankings of best to worst, biggest to smallest, and tightest to loosest. Like any sport there are tactics involved.
These range from finding an opponent, to deciding on
what positions and moves to play, with each factor contributing to an overall ranking. Nicole Canning takes a
look into the new product 18 Again and questions the
lengths females will go to in order to achieve a higher
score.
Produced by an Indian pharmaceutical company, 18
Again is a vaginal rejuvenation cream with the ability
to tighten a woman’s vagina. At $160 a bottle it also
promises to increase sensitivity for maximum orgasmic
pleasure, reduce dryness, prevent odour, and above all,
enhance female empowerment.
The combined effect of these features is marketed to
make a woman feel like she is a virgin, “being touched
for the very first time.” This reference to virginity seems
like a questionable desire, though, with one student admitting “I wouldn’t want to be like a virgin again, that
was awkward enough the first time”.
The honest truth is, for many students, virginity wasn’t that long ago (in the grand scheme of life).
A worldwide sex study conducted by Durex in 2007
showed the average age for virginity loss in New Zealand was 17.8 years of age. While current students may
admit they were a lot younger than that, some being 14
or 15 and convinced they had found love, it is unlikely
that the space of a few years is going to create drastic
changes in the nether regions. In addition, even those
females who enjoy fisting have gifted partners, and an
active and exciting history should still reap the benefits
of youthful sensational sex.
Research suggests that the main reason for vaginal
looseness is childbirth. Of the females interviewed, all
admitted they would consider using 18 Again after they
had children if they noticed a change in the bedroom.
As for now, however, they all hoped and felt that their
bits were still firm and juicy in all the right places.
The students questioned also mentioned that their
decision to use the cream would purely be for sexual
pleasure and not some delusional attempt at female empowerment. One male student said he wouldn’t be opposed if his girlfriend used the cream because it would
make sex “better for her”.
At such a high price, buyers should expect this cream
to deliver its many miracles. The website obviously provides a number of positive female testimonies. However,
there is little response beyond this about whether or not
the product actually works. The majority of media relating to the cream is concerned with the absurdity of the
idea in the first place.
It seems that any student who is particularly convinced they are ‘Lucy Goosey’ has a handful of cheaper
and not so revolutionary options available. By Googling
“kegel exercises”, females can learn all about tightening
and relaxing the vaginal muscles - much like a workout
for your hoo-hah. They can also try old wives’ tales like
squirting lime juice up there, or they can take up pilates
because that is known for strengthening the pelvic floor
muscles, which are most at use during sex.
This all sounds like a little too much hassle for the
sake of a simple score. In the same way very few females
expect their other half, fuck buddy, or one-night stand
to whip out a penis enlarger, there is not a lot of expectation for females to be tighter. Admittedly, tightness is
desirable but at this age it should also be inevitable. After all, hasn’t the sport of sex always been about not what
you’ve got, but how you use it?
Fresher Five: Fact or Fiction
Nicole Canning
Despite shifting out of home, taking on an incredibly
large workload, and changing life as they know it, university students fear something far worse: the muffin
top, beer gut, double chin, and the wobbling arms that
go hand-in-hand with gaining the Fresher Five. As student confessions and hypodermic media escalate this
fear, Nicole Canning takes a deeper look at the truth
behind the Fresher Five to uncover that it lingers on a
fine line between fact and fiction.
The term ‘Fresher Five’ refers to the five kilograms of
weight that university students are believed to gain in
their first year of study. This weight gain is said to stem
from a sedentary lifestyle, combined with an increase in
alcohol and fast-food consumption.
Graduate student Hannah Horgan attributes these
exact factors to her university weight gain.
“You don’t eat normally like you would in school, for
example, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Instead, you tend
to graze more, and eat shit food because it’s cheaper.
Then, on top of that there is the copious amount of
drinking that you do, and most would rather spend time
socialising than going to the gym.”
Among the students MASSIVE spoke to, many
agreed that their weight gain continued into their second and third year of study and was not a ‘fresher only’
concern.
They all also associated their Fresher Five weight gain
with the same causes. In addition to those mentioned
above are the factors of evening snacking (often in the
form of a late-night run to McDonalds), dieting attempts, perceived stress which leads to comfort eating,
and the limited food options that come from living in
the halls.
Third-year student Suzanne Sandridge blames the
hall’s food.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
“The food is so awful that you go out and buy takeaways, or you load up on bread and don’t eat the main
stuff on your plate.”
In a meta-analysis of research conducted on the
Fresher Five, these same issues were identified as predictors of weight gain, and did prove to contribute in
some way.
However, student testimonies and proven causes
aside, lecturer in human nutrition Dr Jasmine Thompson says the Fresher Five is a myth.
She argues that its name alone is equivocal because
research shows that weight gain for home leavers is not
specifically a student issue, and any weight gain that
does occur is nowhere near 5kg.
“Students gain, on average, 1.7kg in their first year at
university, compared with non-students who gain on
average 0.2kg, and while statistically this looks like a difference, clinically it’s not one,” Dr Thompson says.
In addition, she notes that alcohol and unhealthy
food consumption is more worrying in terms of nutritional and basic health, rather than weight gain. Instead
she says that lifestyle change can attribute to the small
weight gain that can take place.
“For many students this is their first time away from
the family home and the first time they have to think
about buying and preparing food.” The combination of
limited time and money leads students to fast, cheap,
and convenient options.
The media’s emphasis on the Fresher Five is also a
worrying concern. One study showed that knowledge of
the Fresher Five created a placebo effect. Some students
were so convinced that they were going to gain weight
that they believed they had, when in fact they hadn’t.
The emphasis can also cause students to attempt
dieting, especially with females because they are often
more susceptible to fears of weight gain. Dr Thompson
believes dieting is one of the worst responses a student
could have to the Fresher Five. During late teens and
early 20s, the human body is still developing peak bone
mass and total skeletal growth, and bad dieting habits
can cause concern in this area. With dieting also being a
factor that can lead to more weight, Dr Thompson urges
to students to “forget about worrying about weight”.
However, for students who are still genuinely bothered, Dr Thompson provides the following suggestions:
•Although accepting your body is easier said than
done, don’t diet.
•Overall, try to develop good and healthy habits.
•Ensure that your food choices outside those provided through resident living are healthy. For example, keep
crackers, fruit, and nuts in your room as a late-night, or
study-break snack.
•When buying fruits and vegetables, shop in season
and buy them from a farmers market because they will
be more affordable.
•Be sure to exercise or participate in physical activity.
Not only is it good for you, it is also a good stress release.
•Be sure to eat before a big night on the town, and
remember to keep everything in moderation. After all,
it is not what we are drinking, but how we are drinking.
Currently, the Fresher Five lingers on the fence. As
it gets towed one way by student advocacy and media
input and the other way by experts and research, it
seems like only a matter of time before it will fall and
land firmly in one court. Until then, the decision lies
with the individual. It lies with those who choose to believe it and approach university with a cautionary mind.
It also lies with those who would rather forget it, and
embrace every little curve knowing it came as the result
of a wild year.
9
MASSEY STUDENT’S PRODUCt DESIGN MAKES THE CUT
MORGAN BROWNE
Devon Briggs is a Massey student who is heading into
his fourth year honours in Industrial Design. A fan of
skating and drinking beer, he’s your typical student.
However, his cutting-edge design of Credit Card Cutlery, inspired from a university brief, has set him up for
success and creating a business of his own.
“I had two gap years and didn’t know what I wanted
to do,” he says. “I worked in an auto parts shop and built
a car from scratch. I didn’t know what I was doing but I
thought, hey I’m actually pretty good at making things.”
In his second year of university came Credit Card
Cutlery, a cutlery set that folds up into the shape and
size of a credit card. It’s stronger than standard disposable cutlery and is made for continued usage.
The leading piece in the set is the fork. It’s made of
polyethylene, the same material used for plastic milk
bottles. “Everyone in the design building said that’s the
sort of thing that’s going to pull you out of university,”
Briggs said.
And it seemed they were correct. He went on to win
the Chamber of Commerce Gen-i Breakthrough Business Award in 2012 and has since been learning the necessary business skills to market his product.
“I got an email inviting me to these awards for breakthrough business ideas,” he says. “The only reason I got
in there was my business plan, because I set out exactly
what they wanted. The others had this amazing design
and product but they didn’t know how to sell it.”
He has been pitching his product on one-day websites and has had “quite a lot of interest”. He has also
found suppliers and manufacturers to supply and print
his cutlery sets after lengthy research periods. Briggs says
he has found it hard to get his product off the ground
outside of university walls.
“It’s definitely been a bit difficult, a bit of a drama at
first, because I was initially told that Massey owns 70
percent of our designs. It was a struggle because I wanted
to take my design further but was unable to.”
Lyn Garrett, from the Massey Industrial Design
School at the College of Creative Arts (CoCA) says he
is surprised to hear of this. “The intellectual property
and ownership of student generated work by undergraduate Massey students belongs solely to the student
and Massey has no claim to their work.”
Aware of possible student/university ownership confusion, Garrett says that historically when the design
school was Wellington Polytechnic, they did have ownership rights over the students’ work. “This policy existed so that if students got ripped off by clients, the poly-
technic would deal with the situation, not the student.
Although there was a grizzle over ownership rights, it
was for a good reason. I have sat down with clients and
students in meetings and there hasn’t ever been a problem with a student wanting control over their work.
There also aren’t a set percentage of ownership rights,
from my understanding.”
Briggs, who spoke with Massey intellectual property
professionals, managed to clear the misunderstanding
and now has rights over his work. “I didn’t realise that
the university owns our designs and inventions. I guess
they’d say if it came through us, we’d want some money
or some recognition.”
With the all-clear to go forward, Briggs pursued the
expansion of his design, but not without difficulty. “It
took six months to find the only company in New Zealand that could print non-toxic ink for food-grade use.”
Non-toxic ink is used on cutlery so users can’t get sick if
they are ingested.
After he found suppliers and manufacturers, he knew
he needed to do some research. “I talked to business
people, such as the owner and CEO of Hawke’s Bay Office Products, Bruce Hurst. He said that it was a really
cool idea and should be pursued. I then talked to people
from city councils, branded the business name, and registered for tax.”
Surely this was a large and uncertain step for a university student with limited practical business experience?
Briggs agrees. ‘I don’t really know what I’m doing but
I’m figuring it out as I go. I’m slowly but surely coming
along.”
So what does business involve? “I thought businesses
would be more structured than this, but I’m finding information from all over the place. It’s all about who you
know in business. If someone knows someone, you’re
instantly in the door regardless of your background.”
This isn’t the case for Briggs, who credits his simple
design for its success. “All of my designs are simple yet
thoughtfully and well designed. Lego is perfect in my
eyes, I love that stuff. It’s manufactured in half a second
and costs a quarter of a cent to make, but is made in billions. If you’re making a quarter of a cent a billion times
over, you’re in the money. You’ve just got to be able to
sell it”.
Business students and friends have been an instrumental tool in his learning. “A marketing degree would
come in handy. I’ve found heaps of people who want to
be sales reps, so I think I’ll just stick to industrial design.”
Part of his plan has been establishing a target mar-
ketplace – festivals. “Festivals and catering companies
could print their barcodes and advertising onto it. You
don’t have to buy disposable cutlery and people have an
incentive to keep them”.
Credit Card Cutlery has been recognized overseas,
with a company associated with UKTV calling Briggs
to place a bulk order of the product.
When asked about the lifetime guarantee of Credit
Card Cutlery, he is uncertain but optimistic. “I’ve never
seen anyone throw them away. I’ve still got the first one
I’ve ever made, which was a year and a half ago.”
Although the design has been well received both nationally and overseas, critical responses from the public
have concerned possible hygiene risks associated with
the product. Luckily, Briggs has the answer and has
his pitch well down. “Polyethylene repels everything,
including some printing inks, which helps. It is also
dishwasher safe, but mostly I just wipe mine off with a
napkin, as none of the food sticks to it anyway’.
He attributes the proper market research of the forks
to the time around the business awards, when everyone
at his table used them for dinner, and seemed to be
blown away by their simplicity and practicality.
“One of the problems was one lady who didn’t want
to use hers again – she wanted a new one for cleanliness.
That was the biggest market research. My friends use
them all the time so I’m always hearing new responses
from that.”
Briggs says his mum is his main support and helps
him out significantly. “At the awards there was heaps of
champagne and I got a little drunk beforehand. They
called my name out and I was like, ‘shit, I’m drunk’ – so
I stood up and thanked my mum with a slurred voice
and sat back down.”
So what is the future for Credit Card Cutlery?
Briggs says there’s plenty to look forward to. “I have
a few other things I’m designing, but this is my simplest
one and I’m all about the simple designs. Make money
without working (laughs). I’ve done heaps of work leading up to this. The guy who designed the tomato sauce
tomato bottle, he must be doing so well right now. He’s
probably sitting on a beach in Tahiti drinking cocktails!
I’ll need to make packaging if I’m selling them in stores”.
And the best thing about Credit Card Cutlery? “Unconscious satisfaction when I pull it out. So simple with
such big use.”
Check out Credit Card Cutlery and other designs by
Devon Briggs at www.devonbriggs.com
Massive IN SHORT
10
ALBANY
LO C A L N OT I C E S
CLEAN HONEST O-WEEK
First year studying at Massey Albany? Orientation week
at many universities is the drunk, expensive, dangerous,
reckless, but yet for most, the best week of the semester.
For Massey Albany, it is a little different. On the Albany
campus is seems that clean and honest fun is preferred.
For this reason, all experiences of O-week have come
and gone with little thought and without leaving any
wonderful stories or memories.
However, this year it seems that the university has put
much effort and time in for the students in an attempt
to make O-week more fun and memorable, with the
intention of creating more of an atmosphere for the students. Student Life Co-Coordinator Sarah Francis has
been working on the week’s day-time events. Francis has
been securing sponsors, freebies, music and everything
else in an attempt to make Orientation week as fun as
possible for the new and returning uni students. All daytime events will be happening at student central (which
is the area below the new building) between 10am and
2pm. Kicking off the week is a beach party on Monday
25. Tuesday 26 is all about games with day-time games
taking place at the Student Amenities Centre with a
quiz night to follow in the evening. One of the poten-
tial best events of the week is Market Day which is on
Wednesday 27, where students can find a bargain amidst
a variety of stalls . Thursday 28 is all about Kiwiana, celebrating it in style with a Festival Day and some live performances. Mr Lynley, a Massey University student, said
“last year’s Orientation week sucked - we pay so much to
come here and the most we get is a free sausage on some
stale bread. This year all I am asking for is more cool people around with a few more things going on”.
Whilst Francis has been busy with day time plans,
the Albany Students’ Association have been arranging
for some night time activities to take place at the campus bar, The Ferguson. The ASA have an event planned
each night with their main event ‘Boom Stack’ on the
evening of the 27th February. A positive for our campus
is that we have an on campus bar which leaves it is up to
the students to create the atmosphere and use what the
university is providing them with.
With the work attributed to this Orientation week,
it is fair to say that it has the potential to be better than
those of the past. Let’s see how theweek rolls out and
hope for the best outcome.
New Year, New Changes
If you were at summer school over the summer holidays
not only did it suck, but all the perks of an on campus
café to ease the pain of being stuck in the library and
not spending your days at the beach were made all the
more worse. This is because there has been no café. No
coffees, no Red Bull, no Monster energy, no junk food.
Even though they don’t really do anything productive
for your health, they do help you get through the day.
Just having the option there makes it okay and somehow
gives you the strength to get through those everlasting
readings and awful assignments. Yes, if you spent some
of your summer days during summer school here you
know what I’m talking about. If you are wondering why
this happened it is because our previous corporate contractor Absolute Catering went into liquidation. This is
exciting news for our campus, however.
Thanks to Commercial Operations Manager Rod
Grove, the university has secured Mozaik Café (which
is currently also located on Constellation Drive, Silverdale and Orewa) to fill these vacant spaces. Café Browse
in the library reopened on the January 29 and the cafeteria in student central reopened on the February 11.
“The students can look forward to a variety of services
Mozaik will be offering us,” said Groves. As well as introducing a new menu to us, the managers at Mozaik
are genuinely interested in making the punters happy
and are encouraging feedback and suggestions. Mozaik’s
number one goal is to please the students. Memet (one
if the directors from Mozaik) said “we don’t see this as a
money making opportunity, we understand the dynamics of a business and know that without the customers
we will not succeed”.
Groves and Mozaik have held, and will continue to
hold focus groups in relation to the cafes and their menus, to make sure they are on the money with what the
students want. “For the first time in a long time we are
dealing with a non-corporate business who is a family
based company” says Groves.
This makes things a lot easier. “For once it’s not the cafes
telling us - we know what the students want. They are
asking us what we want and what the students want”.
This is a breath of fresh air that Mr Groves is ecstatic
about. Memet, a very humble yet passionate Turkish
man says “we are so grateful for this opportunity - we
don’t want to let anyone down and we plan on giving the
cafeteria a Mozaik feel and hope to create an atmosphere
where you can relax and enjoy your time at Mozaik”. For
any of you who feel the same way as I did last year and
hated what was on offer from the cafes, feel free to have
your say and put your requests in. You never know what
might happen.
TASMIN WHEELER
CAMPUS REPORTER
It’s that time of year. Where summer holidays come
to a screeching halt…lazy days spent in the sun
with no cares, endless days rolling into warm summer evenings where anything is possible and there
aren’t any limitations. Then, in an instant, it is all
over and reality starts to slowly set in.
Do not fear dear readers… MASSIVE is here to
help you! My name is Tasmin and I am your new
reporter on the Albany campus. Whether you are a
spring chicken only beginning your new found academic life or if you are returning for more, MASSIVE will strive to bring a smile to your face, provide you with some interesting reads, inform you
on what’s hot and what’s not on and around campus, give you the inside scoop on tricks and treats
and always attempt to give every Albany student a
voice in the magazine.
This is our magazine and I hope to find talented
people who want their stuff published. If you are
a great story teller, did something magical recently
or know of something cool about to happen, come
and talk to me. You can find me at the ASA office.
I’m always looking for people to talk to so come
and say hi.
In our Albany local section, I will deliver to you
important news and issues, but need your help too.
I hope you enjoy the bits and pieces we have in
store for you and I hope to see your smiling faces
soon!
Your new Albany Campus Reporter,
Tasmin Wheeler
[email protected]
11
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Massive Local Notices
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Manawatu
LO C A L N OT I C E S
A, B, C, D, O-Week!
YVETTE MORRISSEY
CAMPUS REPORTER
Massive
Welcome to 2013! I hope you all made it to the
new year with style (i.e. not hurling over the side
of a hay bale...not mentioning any names). I am
excited to be back this year as the Palmy campus
reporter, and I am even more excited to take on
an extra role: extramural reporter. This means
I now have an office (yay), and get to bring all
of you extramurals and mixed moders the latest
news.
I am always floating around the MUSA building,
so if you are new to Massey, feel free to drop by
and introduce yourself (we sometimes have cookies). Remember, MASSIVE is the voice of Massey students, which means you can have your say.
So if anything is bothering you (or making you
happy, it can’t always be doom and gloom) who
ya gunna call? Uh…me.
This month I got up to some interesting stuff. In
between planning my trip to Bali in June, I have
been researching and uncovering new stories for
you.
We’re also on the lookout for new writers, so if
you can string a together few sentences, drop me
a line. Another thing, make sure you check out
massivemagazine.org where you can find bonus
articles, videos and old PDFs of Massive.
Stay cool Palmy.
Your campus (and extramural) reporter,
Yvette Morrissey
[email protected]
Massivemagazine.org.nz
The big “O” will kick off the first semester with a scream
for Palmerston North Massey students.
Running from February 22 to March 2 and featuring
General Lee, Savage, Sanka and DJ LSD, Orientation
week 2013 will entertain.
O week starts with Market day on the concourse on the
22nd from 10am till 2pm. Here, free condoms and pens
will be given out, banks will offer interest free accounts
and other businesses will explain how to get student discounts with them.
On Saturday, one of New Zealand’s top rappers, Savage,
will be performing alongside DJ Sanka at the Toga Party. Starting at 8pm till late, students are invited to gather
together wearing sheets and/or curtains for a night of
great music and drinks. You can purchase tickets at the
Massey University Students Association (MUSA) office
for $25.
Warning, the Toga Party contains drunks in limited
clothing, beware of nudity.
On Monday when you stumble to class, make sure to
keep hydrated and remember the basics: a pen and paper.
Then for Wednesday, it is back to the concourse for
Clubs Day. This is the day when students will have the
opportunity to sign up to a variety of Massey University
clubs and societies. One of which is MASSIVE MAGAZINE, so make sure you find us and sign up, we are
always looking for new writers and contributors for the
magazine.
Following the commitments made on Clubs Day, Thursday night will entertain you with the Bizarre Ball. Starting at 8pm, this is where students are invited to get creative and dress up as whatever they want while enjoying a
live concert. This year DJ General Lee and Sanka will be
performing so be sure to be there. Tickets are $25 from
the MUSA office.
The last event that will end a packed O week is a night
in town for a beach party at Mr Cue. Located on the
corner of Taonui and Cuba St, the Beach Party will start
at 8pm and go till late. DJ Sanka will again be your host
alongside DJ LSD. All party-goers are advised to dress
in swim wear as it is a beach party theme. Tickets cost
$25 and they can be purchased at the MUSA office.
If students would like to attend all three events, Musa
offers an O week passport with a discount. This allows
A CLUB FOR WRITERS
Writing can be a lonely journey, so why not join a club
that allows you to meet with other writers, write, and
share your ideas?
The Palmerston North Writing Group (PNWG),
formed by Massey journalism student Yvette Morrissey,
meets fortnightly on a Sunday to write and share their
work of all styles and genres while also sharing a snack
or two.
Formed in October 2012, Yvette and a few of her poetry
class friends “missed writing together in class”. This led
them to gather and write while sharing ideas.
Now this has developed from a gathering into a club like
atmosphere where occasionally they have guest speakers.
These guest speakers range from local authors to poets
but they hope to expand this to writers around New
Zealand and overseas.
The PNWG is not yet an official club at Massey as they
are waiting for ten members to join before affiliating.
“We accept writers of all backgrounds- script writers,
non-fiction writers, poets, erotica, and writers that just
write for fun.” said Yvette.
Those purely interested in reading are also encouraged
to join because the PNWG has a book club. Non-Massey students are also welcomed.
There is no joining fee but members will be expected to
give up a little of their time to fundraise for the club.
This is to ensure the club can afford to have professional
guest speakers’ travel to Palmerston North as well as
paying for prizes in competitions to come.
Yvette has many plans for the club including putting on
live readings in the MUSA lounge, bringing scripts to
life through performances, and helping to get members’
writings published.
Being part of a writing group is a great way to receive
support from other writers, learn and most importantly
write. So join and enjoy the company of writers like
yourself.
For further information visit the PNWG website
at,
www.pnwritersgroup.weebly.com,
or
email
Yvette
at
[email protected]
Jae Hee Lee
13
Ecowars Pumps up the Heat in Palmy
Calling all student warriors to battle, Ecowars is back for
2013 with a hefty load of prizes up for grabs!
Learn how to save your wallet while you save the world
by entering your flat in the eco-friendly competition
held in Palmerston North, where each team learns new
ways to reduce waste and conserve energy.
This year there is $15,000 worth of prizes (and no, that’s
not a typo!). The winners receive a grand prize package
of eco-friendly appliances, including a fridge/freezer,
washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, and bragging
rights. The runners up will take away a mystery weekend
package. There will also be plenty of spot prizes along
the way.
The competition kicks off in March with an ‘Amazing
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Race’ themed launch in The Square. Throughout the
competition, each team attends six workshops learning how to live more ecologically. This new knowledge
is taken back to their flats for implementing, earning
them points in the competition. Flats will be judged
on activities such as beer brewing, composting, making
homemade cleaning products, water quality, recycling,
and chair upholstery. The flats are equipped with video
cameras to post vlogs about their journey. Public votes
on the Student City website also have a say in choosing
the winners.
Last year the competition attracted 7 entries. The winners were The Playful Priests. Spokesperson Chrissie
Morrison says this year is going to be the biggest and
best yet:
“We’ve had interest from students already and had more
sponsors approach us this year. We are also creating a Bible of information needed for competition participants,
including workshop information, recipes, and the best
practice for sustainability at home”
An electronic version will also be uploaded on to the
Student City website for the public.
An awards night will be held in May, featuring other
prizes such as most improved, most innovative, and
most entertaining flats.
So if you want to save money, win some cool prizes, and
learn how to live more ecologically, register your flat at
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Massive LOCAL NOTICES
14
WELLINGTON
LO C A L N OT I C E S
Volunteer expo 13th march
Calling all Massey Wellington students! If you haven’t
already made good on your New Year’s resolutions,
now’s the time to start. On Wednesday 13th March,
the annual Volunteer Expo is going to be held in the
Pyramid from 11am to 2pm.
CLUBS FEED
Keep an eye out for Volunteer Expo posters soon to be
popping up around campus, or for more information
check out the volunteering page on the Massey website.
O-Week Continuing for Six
At the volunteer expo, there is something for everyone,
no matter what your major is or how far into your
degree you are. Not only is it a chance to do something
for those less fortunate, give back to your community
or help those without a voice, it’s also a really good
way to get involved and “be the change you want to
see in the world” - as Ghandi so famously said. (Not to
mention the fact that volunteering work looks primo
on your CV.)
With around 25 different organisations attending the
event, this is a really worthwhile opportunity to scout
some work experience which could even turn into paid
work if they like what they see.
Without sounding too parental, it’s never too early to
start thinking about your future and acquire useful
skills that could help you along the way. The thought
of unpaid work may not appeal to all, but think instead
about the knowledge you’ll gain and the life experiences you’ll have, which could put you that one step
ahead when applying for jobs once you’ve graduated.
Volunteering also lends opportunities of meeting and
networking with people who make a difference, leaving
you filled to the brim with inspiration. It’s also nice to
know if you were ever in a situation where you needed
help or support, these groups and organisations are the
ones there for you - so pay it forward.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
Massey Wellington Students’ Association’s (MAWSA)
approach to events and cultural life in Wellington differs significantly to those of other students’ association
and universities around the country. As the city’s most
frequent sponsor of music events, year-round, Massey
Wellington’s Orientation marks only a step-up from
business as usual, rather than the be all and end all of
campus’ social programme. Reflective of their position
in the Wellington music scene, MAWSA have teamed
up with the city’s top promoters and venues to deliver
an Orientation programme that aims to offer something for everyone. MAWSA’s President Ben Thorpe
says “with 30 events, on and off campus, we really hope
that no student will come away too disappointed”.
With international acts like Black Sun Empire, Gold
Panda, Mick Harvey, DJ Yoda, Lunice, The Prototypes
and Calyx & Teebee, along with nationally recognised
acts like Minuit and @peace, coupled to local legends
like The Fried Chicken Sound System and Alphabethead, emerging Wellington talents like Louis Baker,
Estere and many more, it would appear that MAWSA
are not taking any chances with their base covering.
“With Easter being so early this year, we thought
flag just organising an Orientation Week. A six week
festival seemed like a lot more fun idea!” Thorpe said.
Discounted tickets to all Orientation Festival shows are
available from the MAWSA office.
Semester one Clubs Day 2013 is looking as
exciting as Armstrong’s first step! With Massey
Wellington’s incredible increase in clubs this year,
there is going to be plenty of activity on campus.
Wednesday 6 March will see various Massey Wellington clubs out and showing you what they’re
about, gathering you in to their folds and competing for your vote on who has the coolest table set
up. As well as an opportunity to join up with a
bunch of awesome clubs students can also sign
up for Uni Games where Massey competes with
other universities in numerous sporting activities.
Clubs day will be happening between 11am-2pm
at The Concourse (between COCA and block
one). There will also be an opportunity to meet
MAWSA’s Clubs Development Officer, Anna
Hobman, so if there’s no club you’re interested
in, you can start your own. “There’s heaps going
on for Massey Wellington clubs this year and
heaps of clubs to choose from. The second half
of 2012 came with an increase from 9 -17 clubs
and we’re still growing,” said Hobman. To seal
the deal, students will also be able to hang out in
the sun (here’s hoping), listen to some cool tunes,
eat some free, freshly sizzled sausages and cool off
with Huge!’s free ice cream.
Massey’s latest club ‘Massey Surf ’ has just purchased 2 brand new boards which are available for
15
Massive Local Notices
16
ARE YOU SAFE AT WORK?
Small and big businesses approach their trade differently.
What is possible for a company with over 100 employees and an
international clientele isn’t the same for a three person team
operating from a rural township. However, are there differences in how they handle health and safety? Who are we safer
with? Jayne Ramage investigates.
When Monday morning rolls around, there are very few of us who bounce out of
bed and eagerly head off to work. Unfortunately, no legislation exists that says being
at work must be enjoyable. But there is legislation that says being at work must be safe.
The New Zealand Labour Group, formerly the Labour Department or Occupational
Safety and Health (OSH), have page after page of health and safety regulations. Most
of them go unnoticed until there is a workplace incident.
Take for instance, Pike River. At the time of the initial explosions in 2010 there was
an outpouring of public grief at what most New Zealand media outlets were calling a
“tragedy” and a “disaster”. Our hearts were with the visibly distraught Peter Whittall
as he spoke compassionately of the trapped miners.
But in 2012 the Royal Commission report revealed that there were “inadequate”
health and safety practices in place, and Whittall faced criminal charges as a result.
As a nation with a somewhat blasé attitude toward rules, regulations, and general
‘PC bullshit’; we have to wonder if this ‘she’ll be right’ attitude we’re so proud of might
mean that health and safety isn’t being taken as seriously as it needs to be.
Perhaps, as one small business employee said, “Ringerbinders full of OSH shit is
all well and good in massive government businesses and stuff, but it’s a whole other
ballgame in a small local business.”
Regardless if a business is classed as small, with less than 20 employees, or large, with
more than 20, they are subject to the Labour Group’s health and safety regulations.
These vary by industry.
Recent Labour Group research shows that, on average, three people die each week
as a result of workplace accidents. Seemingly, the deadliest workplace is the farm. The
Massey campus at Palmerston North has many students working in farming who
may not be aware of the high levels of risk associated with their workplace. But small
businesses in the city have seen their share of disaster, too.
In January last year, an employee at the small Tauranga restaurant Volare on The
Strand got stuck in a pasta maker and suffered bone fractures ands tissue, tendon and
nerve damage.
So whose responsibility is it to make sure that you’re safe at work? As students,
sometimes we have little choice in selecting places to work – we have to take what we
can get and hope it’ll be enough to cover the monthly cellphone bill, or those jeans
from ASOS that you didn’t really need but have already put on the Visa.
Still, we want to be safe at work, and come back home in more or less the state we
left in. Does safety all come down to whether you work for the big man or the little
one? Should we be turning down work at the local takeout joint just because they don’t
Massivemagazine.org.nz
have the thick health and safety manual that McD’s does?
Martina Battisti, Deputy Director of the New Zealand Centre for Research into
Small and Medium-Sized Enterprises (NZSMERC), says that small businesses often
feel it is harder for them to uphold health and safety regulation because they lack the
financial, human and time resources that big companies have.
But she says regulation is specific to industry, not size. “You have to employ the same
practices if you have three staff as if you have hundreds.”
The Labour Group requires businesses to uphold a range of specialised regulations,
from having an incident book on site in which all minor to major accidents are
recorded, to making sure that on building sites, bags of cement mix are carried by a
minimum of two people.
So, if you sustain a paper cut and borrow a Band-Aid from the first-aid kit, the
Labour Group wants you to write it down. If you have a bag of cement that is just the
right size to tuck under your arm, the Labour Group still want to see you and another
person shuffling awkwardly together across the forecourt.
The problem seems to be that not every employee is aware of the regulations. A
survey of students and working professionals, conducted on social media, showed that
39% were not aware of basic policies such as where the emergency exits at work were,
regardless of whether they worked for a large or small business.
Battisti agrees that it isn’t always appropriate or practical for small businesses to
teach staff their health and safety procedures in the same way a larger business might,
primarily because of the resource divide.
“Large businesses have quite formal procedures, whereas small businesses may just
rely on communicating informally with their staff.”
When asked if an informal approach is any better or worse than a formal one,
Battisti is cautious: “They can be very effective for a small business with different
policies in place.”
She says a lot of small companies she researched would discuss issues such as health
and safety over Monday morning coffee, or other such informal learning environments.
Research conducted by NZSMERC in 2009 defines formal learning as organised
and structured learning events. In contrast, informal learning is experience based,
action-oriented, individualist, and “enhanced by pro-activity, critical reflection and
creativity”.
One small business which uses this kind of informal approach is family-owned
retail business Turner’s Gifts and Luggage, in Feilding. Owned and managed by
Shane Turner, it has operated from the same site in the rural township since 1956. It
17
employees four mature staff, and hires several students as casual workers over the busy
Christmas period.
Turner proudly reports that the business has “never” had a workplace accident and
accredits this to his informal approach to health and safety procedures.
“I have good working relationships with all my staff. If they have health and safety
questions, they know they can bring them to me any time.
“To a certain extent, I also rely on good old-fashioned common sense. For example,
I keep a fire extinguisher by the staff fridge in the break room. They see it every day, so
could locate it quickly if needed.”
Turner says it’s a two-way street. He puts required safety equipment in “sensible
places” and expects staff to “take notice”.
Jabies Doner Kebab shop in Bulls is another small business with a similar approach
to health and safety. Supervisor Jessie Walker began working at Jabies when she was a
student at Massey in Palmerston North, and can recall her training period in detail. It
included tours, food handling, kitchen preparation, and first-aid training.
“But if we’re ever unsure,” she says, “we can ring the boss. Tracy is always on call, but
if we couldn’t reach her then we call Andy [her husband].”
Big businesses have a different approach to health and safety. It’s less about face-toface communication and more about procedure.
Gemma Swan, a student at Victoria University, was an employee of international
maths and English tutoring franchise NumberWorks’nWords for five years. She started
at the Kapiti centre then transferred to Kilbirnie. These branches are both in the
Wellington region, but are owned and managed by different people.
Swan says she was amazed at Kapiti’s dedication to health and safety. Tutors
received a month-long induction period which covered procedures such as evacuation,
earthquake, fire, and first aid.
“We then refresh this material four times a year at tutor training evenings. A big part
of this training is ‘what-if ’ scenarios.”
She says they also had two procedures manuals, one which stayed on site and the
other they could take home. “So if you ever forgot where the fire extinguisher was you
could just go look it up.”
When talking about the same health and safety procedures at the Kilbinie centre,
Swan was frank.
“They’re the same business so they’re supposed to do all the stuff Kapiti does. But I
never got told where I could find a floor plan, or fire extinguisher. I asked the boss, but
he never got around to giving me an answer.
“I mean, I found them under my own initiative. But stuff like first-aid kits shouldn’t
be left to chance like that.”
Swan now works for another big business, Wellington City Council, at their
Kilbirnie Recreation Centre. “We have so many health and safety procedures here!
Every i is dotted and t crossed. We’re given manuals, tours, quizzes, maps, written and
verbal refreshers … it’s all done by the book.”
Swan says safety is a No. 1 priority. “There are skateboards, scooters, bikes, rollerskates … which all have the potential to be a health and safety nightmare, but it’s not
because the regulations are so tightly followed.
“When I started at the Rec Centre there was three months of training. During
training the boss daily made time to ask, ‘hey Gemma, can you tell me how you’d lead
an evacuation?’ or how I’d fill out an incident report.”
She says her boss “drilled these things into us so hard we were, like, ‘go away, we know
how to do it.’ But now I’m very confident I know what to do in any situation. Even
now, when he leaves for the day he still instructs staff to call if we have any worries.”
There seems to be a trend emergent in New Zealand businesses that is not
distinguishable by size or formality.
The consistent factor in those with good health-and-safety practices is employers
who have hands-on approaches and employees who actively listen.
Open-door policies and welcoming questions seem to be universally successful
tactics, regardless if they’re used by a big business or a small one, or if material is taught
over textbooks instead of cappuccinos.
Yet, as Turner says, it’s a two-way street. An employee is still responsible for taking
some initiative and engaging with given training.
Swan summarises it best: “At the end of the day, I care about safety. And I want to
work for people who do too.”
As students, we might have to take work where we can get it. But that doesn’t mean
we can’t be conscientious employees and keep catastrophes such as Pike River at the
forefront of our minds. Because unless we take a more proactive approach to safety, she
won’t be right – she’ll be wrong, dead wrong.
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DUPED, DRUNK AND DRUGGED UP
How do you keep safe when you go ‘out on the town’ with
your friends? Jimmy Jansen, a Massey student nurse,
observes the risks associated with drug and alcohol
fuelled nights in New Zealand and reflects on how young
people can stay safe to avoid danger.
Shortland St is probably the worst representation of emergency
healthcare I have ever seen. Not only are the plotlines completely
ridiculous (Chris Warner should have died years ago), they simply do not
award sufficient kudos to the real slaves of the Emergency Department.
Those people are heroes. A round of applause for the workers of the E.D.
- for I could never do it. Having worked there once, on a Saturday night, I
have never been more convinced that young adults have a preoccupation
with self-destruction. Are we just stupid? Or do we honestly believe we
are completely indestructible? Unprotected sex, drinking ourselves into
oblivion then ditching each other in town, driving drunk, taking drugs are we mad? Don’t get me wrong, when I was but a little first-year almost
every transaction on my credit card had an alcohol percentage of 20 and
above. But should student lifestyle really be this risky?
Working as a student nurse in the hospital, I daresay I have seen my fair
share of humanity at its stupidest. I have had patients who have tried to
fly, some who are so unbelievably smashed they spray from both ends, and
others who have done the ridiculous on a quest for sexual gratification (like
the guy who lost a vegetable in himself) – and ALL of them on the younger
side. As far as unhealthy risk-taking goes, the crown jewel of my nursing
experiences involves a drag queen and a miscellaneous pink powder …
Everything was pink. Pink hair, pink sequins, pink rhinestones, pink
lipstick, pink eye-shadow, pink nails, and pink vomit – even the tracks
of powder down his upper lip from nose were pink. As a gay man, I have
seen many a drag queen in my time, yet as a nurse (well, a student nurse)
I had never seen one in that capacity. Going from completely immaculate
and glamorous, and “darling” this and “fabulous” that, he was a mess
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of ruined makeup, torn organza, and was completely drug-fucked. He
couldn’t even speak. For hours he moaned, slurred, and spewed pink
(presumably cranberry something) everywhere. Eventually, he came
down from whatever high he was on enough to tell me what he had
happened.
“I snorted some shit from this guy I met at the club,” he groaned.
“What was this shit?” I asked.
“Fuck, I don’t know, it was free though,” he replied. “I didn’t know the
guy and he was totes ugly but he was buying me drinks all night.”
Now, I am far from being conservative, but even I was appalled. As the
conversation continued he explained that the bag of pills was not entirely
free as he had to “put out” in the bathroom.
“Did you use protection?” I asked, knowing full well the answer would
be no. According to this obvious genius, condoms were a “hassle” and a
“waste of time”.
“The withdrawal method is totes legitsies,” he tried to tell me. Speaking
on behalf of not just my nursing knowledge but from common sense in
general, I can quite violently state that the withdrawal method is certainly
not “legitsies”, what with HIV (Aids) and other sexually transmitted
infections (STI’s) easily transmitted between sex, whether the male pulls
out or not.
Whoever said policemen have the best work stories has clearly never
worked in a hospital.
Though I am sure that this level of complete and utter foolishness is not
common (particularly among Massey students), I began thinking about
all of the drunken people I have seen staggering the streets at 2am, all of
the dilated pupils and erratic behaviour I have had to avoid on the dance
floor, all of the young women I have seen in the latest fluorescent belt
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they call a “skirt” walking home alone, and all of the proud anecdotes of
people’s unprotected sexual legendary. As a young person, I refuse to
believe that we are just stupid. So why is it that we live so dangerously?
And how can we protect ourselves without being nanas?
Strangely enough (or maybe not), I found some interesting explanations
in a selection of parenting books and forums written by anxious and
overbearing parents (apparently they DO understand us). As I expected,
biology does play a significant role. Though we may feel completely
grown up (in my case, I feel old at 22), our brains keep growing until
around the age of 25.
How does this affect risk-taking and rationality?
First off, reasoning, critical thinking, and self-control is controlled in
the pre-frontal cortex which actually develops slower than the amygdala,
the emotional core, responsible for mood, emotion and primal urges. So
during our teenage and early adult years the amygdala has a lot more
clout. This explains why young people are so emotional and so completely
horny all the time! Biology, however, is not everything. Psychology also has a hand in the
madness that is youth. Uncertainty, egocentrism, and obsession with
self-image are all to do with the identity crisis every teenager is famous
for. Self-doubt (even if it is laced in arrogance and false confidence)
associated with identity development leaves us far more susceptible to
peer-pressure. At risk of sounding like a patronising high school teacher,
it is safe to say we are easily influenced by our peers, even if we don’t
realise it. I remember looking after a patient who was convinced it was
okay to play chicken on the motorway because his mates were doing it.
While I am sure he must have reconsidered when the surgeon had to take
out a chunk of his skull, it was a little too late for self-control and reason.
Do not underestimate the power of peer pressure.
Finally, planning horizon theory can also be applied to human thought
processes and decision-making.
A planning horizon refers to a person’s capability to look into their
future and make plans – even if that plan is as simple as getting out of
bed tomorrow. Psychologists suggest that the younger a person is, the
shorter the planning horizon is. Put simply, as you get older you begin to
think things through and the attitude of “it’s fun right now, let’s do it!”
diminishes. While we go about making grand plans for our lives (I wanted
to be a movie star or marry Prince Harry), we often refuse to look into the
realistic future and so we ignore obvious hurdles and consequences, thus
throwing ourselves into precarious situations.
Considering all of this, I can’t help but wonder how any of us have lived.
As we finish high school and attend university we are released from
our parent’s grip into a dangerous world. While there are morons among
us, most of us young whipper-snappers still have some sense. Sometimes
we just lack the capacity to rationalise situations and recognise our own
vulnerability. And sometimes we refuse to look into the realistic future
and plan – like me, cramming an hour before an exam (as I’m sure many
of you can relate to).
The next time you feel that maybe you have had enough to drink,
perhaps you have. And maybe that guy checking you out at the bar is
not the love of your life. Maybe that little bag of pills he offers is best left
alone, and maybe you shouldn’t walk home alone or let your friends do
the same. We students certainly know how to have a wild time, but let
2013 be a good year; when a crazy night out is just fun, when none of us
end up the emergency room and none of us have to learn the hard way.
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THE PRICE OF BEAUTY
Just how far will we go to obtain the perfect physique? Self-image
and identity issues from Hollywood and societal pressure can
cause some of us to take drastic measures in our desperation.
Yvette Morrissey investigates the drug New Zealanders are
illegally importing into the country to lose weight.
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Paul, like most other guys, always wants to look his best. After being teased throughout
high school for being overweight, he turned to the gym and with a bit of work and
a lot of repetitions, he turned his once flabby physique into muscle. He idolised
bodybuilders. He spent his spare time watching videos of them on You Tube. He
bragged to his mates about how much he could lift. Every day, he would shovel protein
into his body. His daily protein intake consisted of four protein shakes, 12 eggs, and
a cocktail of supplements that promised to make him stronger, faster, and ultimately
more attractive. The attention he started getting from women pumped his self-esteem,
but only temporarily. He soon became obsessed with having the perfect body. He
considered taking steroids like many of his bodybuilder idols, but then he heard about
a new ‘wonder drug’ taking the fitness world (and Hollywood) by storm. He became
fixated with obtaining this drug. One week later a package arrived from Hong Kong.
Hidden discretely inside a package of candy was a foil packet. Inside that was the
‘wonder drug’ Clenbuterol.
We live in a society that is obsessed with appearance. Men now have to compete
with the likes of Sonny Bill Williams and Daniel Carter, and gone are the days
where curvaceous women are fashionable. Today, advertisements of thin women and
muscular men are promoted as the ideal and normal body shape, and both will do
anything to fit into this ideal. The fight to be thin has resulted in unhealthy acts such as
drug abuse, binge eating, anorexia and bulimia. Diagnosis of anorexia in New Zealand
shows girls as young as 11 years of age have battled the disease. Given these statistics,
it is not surprising that New Zealanders are turning to a drug that has been said to be
behind Hollywood’s size zero models.
What is Clenbuterol?
Clenbuterol, commonly known as ‘Clen’, is a drug that is used to treat inflammatory
airway problems in horses, such as asthma. It works to relax the muscle around the
airways so the horse can breathe more easily. Clenbuterol is also used to decrease
contractions of the uterus. It is available by prescription only for use to treat horses in
New Zealand, USA, Australia and the United Kingdom. Farmers have been known
to feed Clenbuterol to their stock to help increase meat production. Feeding the drug
to animals destined for food production is illegal, and cases of Clenbuterol poisoning
through eating contaminated meat have been reported, most namely in several
outbreaks in Spain from 1995-2000. Farmers have also used this drug to dope their
show animals to increase their chances of winning championship ribbons. Although
Clenbuterol use in humans has only been recently documented by the media, the drug
has been favoured by bodybuilders for decades because of its ability to make users shed
weight fast. It is also effective for increasing strength and muscle size. Because of this,
Clenbuterol is often mistaken as a steroid. It is actually a stimulant drug (otherwise
known as a beta-2 adrenergic agonist) that has some of the same affects as adrenalin,
such as an increased heart rate.
Clenbuterol is on the sports World Anti-Doping Agency’s list of prohibited
substances, and has recently made headlines via sports stars caught using the drug
to enhance their performance. One of the most public examples was when Sharks
rugby league player, Reni Maitua tested positive for the drug in 2009. Maitua was
immediately suspended and given a two-year sanction following his plead for a re-test
on a B sample which again, tested positive. Clenbuterol is popular in sports players
because it increases aerobic capacity, alertness, and helps transport oxygen around the
body more efficiently, thus making the player able to last longer on the field.
Other top athletes banned due to positive testing to Clenbuterol include American
swimmer Jessica Hardy, who was tested at the US trials in 2008. She claimed she
unknowingly ate contaminated meat, and was suspended for one-year. Tour de France
winner Alberto Contador also tested positive, and was stripped of his 2010 title and
received a two-year suspension. Athletes caught using the drug usually face a twoyear ban, and a second offence can result in a life ban from their sport. For fear of
athletes accidently digesting the drug, China banned its athletes from eating meat in
preparation for the 2012 Olympic Games help in London. Over 52 per cent of meat
products in Beijing exceeded the drug test standard, in tests that were conducted.
The Dangers of ‘Clen’
Users of Clenbuterol will often experience headaches, hypertension, tremors, muscle
cramps, insomnia, anxiety, and nervousness. They may also sweat profusely, feel much
too hot, have dry mouths, and (worryingly) have difficulty breathing. The long term
effects of Clenbuterol are less well understood, however a recent experiment has
shown heart problems are associated with use of this drug. It has shown to cause
cardiac hypertrophy (enlargement of the ventricles in the heart) which can lead to high
blood pressure. This is concerning as one would wonder if these heart problems could
cause a significantly early death in someone that uses Clenbuterol comparatively to a
non-user. Scientists at the University of Melbourne in Australia conducted tests on
laboratory rats, giving them dosages of 2 milligrams per kilogram of body weight per
day. They then tested these rats against drug-free rats. Initially, the drugged rats had
some positive changes. The rats formed larger muscles than the Clenbuterol-free rats,
and their anaerobic energy production increased, enabling the rats to increase muscle
mass during short, intense exertions.
However, after just four weeks, they found three extremely negative changes; the rats
were unable to maintain their normal aerobic intensities whilst the drug-free rats
did, they suffered from noticeable cardiac-cell degeneration and the hearts of the rats
increased dramatically in comparison to the drug free rats. The scientists found the
increase of size was due to the infiltration of collagen fibers into the heart walls, rather
than an increase in muscle cells in the heart. This increase of collagen stiffens the heart,
which may lead to problems such as cardiac arrhythmias (fast, slow or irregular heart
beat) and a decrease in cardiac output. It was also found an overdose of Clenbuterol
can result in a stroke.
The scientists concluded that “in spite of its popularity, Clenbuterol is a potentially
dangerous drug which offers very few positive effects for either the power or endurance
athlete.”
For a drug that has such dramatic effects of muscle mass and weight, the long-term
negative effects outweigh the advantages. However, this information will not stop
some users from taking it. Sadly, the pressure and desperate desire to be ‘beautiful’
seems to be just too strong for the users to consider the severe health risks, and they are
prepared to risk their lives for how they look.
Making its way to New Zealand
Due to people like Paul* who are desperate to attain the perfect physique, Clenbuterol
is now making its way to New Zealand. In 2012 60ml was seized by New Zealand
customs, with the number rising to 100 pills seized in 2011. There has already been
one case where a detective was caught illegally importing around 600 pills from an
eastern European country, and having them delivered to his own station. This is the
most common way for dieters to get their hands on the product (the overseas black
market) and it comes with many risks. The pills ordered may only contain a small
amount of Clenbuterol (if any) with the remainder of ingredients unknown to the
buyer. The labels and dose buyers receive may not be consistent, therefore increasing
the risk of overdose. Some buyers may even be so desperate to lose weight that they
overdose by accident.
Sadly, the messages we receive of what constitutes a ‘normal and desirable’ body are so
far from reality that people are now reaching for this drug, and its use is increasing. A
lack of clear research into the effects of this drug is one of the main causes for concern
for Clenbuterol users, but it is clear from the research conducted that Clenbuterol has
a negative effect on the heart. What is even more concerning is that people are still
turning to this drug to lose weight and gain muscle, without really knowing what effect
it will have on their body.
*Paul is a student at Massey and his name has been changed in order to protect his
identity.
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GET READY, GET A CHAINSAW
What skills do you need to have during a Zombie Apocalypse
at Massey? Defence Studies Master’s student Shaun Mawdsley
offers advice, tactics and strategic information in choosing
your best Zombie Defence Group in order to survive.
We are all aware that the 21st or 22nd of December last year was
supposed to be the end of the world as we knew it (I can’t remember
which date exactly as I was drunk at the time). I’m talking, of course,
about the Mayan Doomsday. What you don’t actually know, because the
media didn’t tell you, is that it was not so much a Mayan Doomsday as it
was the Zombie Apocalypse.
Think about it. Everything seems all good. I mean, no asteroids have
fallen, Elijah Wood has not been selected to join the lucky few under a
mountain, Morgan Freeman is not the President, NASA has not launched
a space shuttle mission to intercept some near object, a limo driver has
not driven through the streets of LA while the buildings disappear into
the depths of hell … no, I tell you! All lies! Nothing like that has happened.
The world is as it was. Or is it?
According to all-knowing zombie analysts, especially noting the recent
events in Florida, the bible of zombie apocalypse believers, Dawn of the
Dead and so forth – the Zombie Apocalypse does not occur in one single
world-changing event. Everything may appear normal but the zombies
and their virus have been steadily spreading from the source of origin
(Northland) and slowly gravitating towards centres of high population.
Because Auckland houses the largest population of all New Zealand
cities, reason suggests that we’re fucked. As the North Shore has the
highest population density in New Zealand, students on the Albany
campus are double-fucked. Combine those two pieces of evidence with
the fact that universities usually have the highest concentration of people
in one place … well, we better phone Schwarzenegger, Stallone , Statham,
Willis, Norris, and Seal Team Six, because we haven’t got much hope in
hell of getting home alive if the zombies start coming this way.
Now, as Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and all the other action heroes are
unlikely to heed our call for assistance, we better find ways of surviving
this thing ourselves. I’m talking about Zombie Defence, people!
Bearing in mind that I’m a master’s student in Defence Studies at
Massey, I feel I have some information that may just save your life while
on campus.
At the Albany campus, zombies will most likely approach from Gate 1,
slowly making their way up the road attacking the time-tardy students
who normally leave their cars all the way down at that far-end car park
near the traffic lights. Idiots! You should have gotten to Uni earlier, and
thus saved your arse from a gruesome zombie-related death!
Much the same will happen in Palmy. The horde will proceed up
the highway and turn left up Main Drive. Although the reserve along
University Avenue will provide some cover for smug students who cycle
to class (this isn’t Europe!), at this early stage, the best weapon you have
is speed – get the hell out of there! The zombies will outnumber you and
it is unlikely that you’ll have a weapon with sufficient weight, sharpness,
or killing radius. And I don’t expect anyone to be carrying hand-guns to
Uni (please don’t, this isn’t America), so any tactics with firearms is left
out of this article for now.
Next, the zombies will proceed to Massey Contact and Administration
at the Albany campus. In all likelihood, Massey Contact will be a most
horrid scene. Just picture it: the beginning of semester, all those
international students standing in a line that stretches to the entrance
door unaware of what’s happening around them because they don’t
understand the words coming out of the intercom. The zombies enter,
the international students panic, making for the nearest egress, but their
numbers work against them. Too many internationals make for the door,
they block the entrance and the zombies commit to their brutal task ripping, tearing, and gnawing away at the insides of those poor Englishlanguage-deficient international students.
The same is likely to happen in Palmy - the International Office will be
the first building attacked. I don’t hold much hope for survivors, as the
friendly staff as the International Office will try and ‘talk’ to the zombies,
believing them to be exchange students from South America.
The nutritious remains of the international students and the overly
zealous and friendly staff will keep the zombie horde occupied for a time,
thus giving the rest of us the opportunity to make good our escape. Be
wise and timely in the selection of your Zombie Defence Group, as they
may be your only means of survival, and subsequently, the last people
you see.
You must be ruthless and realistic in your selection. You need a selfsufficient group with a wide-range of useful skills. Psychology majors
are useless in this situation because zombies don’t have any time to chat
about their problems, dammit! A nursing student is extremely important:
they already know the best ways to kill anyone in your group who could
become infected. Defence Studies students are vital as they will have
studied how to manoeuvre a group of people in battle. Students with
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The forest provides ample cover
from the zombies, as most of them
have restricted vision due to having
at least one of their eyes missing.
sports-related majors are a great asset, as they are usually gym rats or
fitness freaks, making them physically your best option. Unless you are
stuck in a lab, most science majors will provide no benefit in the short
term, although genetics students may be able to find a cure if they have
their equipment (not likely). Also, try and find the groundskeeper or
campus maintenance staff because they will know where to find the best
Zombie Defence weapon - the chainsaw.
Once your group is selected (which will probably be impromptu as
you’re running for your lives) the best bet is to head for higher ground.
The rougher and steeper the route, the better. The decaying zombies are
plagued by the early stages of rigormortis, and their limbs cannot adjust
to the angled demands of stairs. This should be enough incentive for all
those with half a brain to head towards the library and the Atrium, at
Albany, or the Social Science Towers, Library, and Vet Tower in Palmy. In
Wellington, it’s windy as fuck anyway, so hopefully the zombies all blow
away before they reach the campus buildings.
Upon reaching the uppermost level of your chosen building, barricade
yourself inside the room. There should tables, chairs and multitudes of
books, especially in the library. These objects can be used to construct
obstacles. If you have an engineering student in your group, as they
should be able to construct some complex fort-like structure in no time.
Make booby-traps with the material available, placing them above
doors or in areas where the zombies are forced to bunch up. This creates
‘dead-zones’ for our half-brained friends. If you decide to set up a ‘book
booby trap’, find books that are heavy! I’m talking about those big
motherfuckers that practically break your arms while walking to class.
Everyone knows that those things are basically bricks with ink in them.
Additionally, the writings of Jane Austen, Rush Limbaugh, historian
Norman Davies, and Geoffrey Chaucer are particularly useful, as their
works will undoubtedly put the undead to sleep.
If you cannot get to a building in time because the zombies have
blocked the entrance, head into the nearest woods or forest. Although
you may not think this to be a good idea, the forest is probably better
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than being atop a high building. The forest provides ample cover from
the zombies because most of them have restricted vision due to having at
least one of their eyes missing. And, if you cover yourself with mud (much
like Arnold in Predator) you should be able to pass by unnoticed as your
scent will be masked. Additionally, flora and fauna will provide you with
sufficient food and shelter to last a few days. I’m especially thinking of the
stream down behind the Study Centre. This will probably be one of the
few times that you actually wished you had been in the Scouts.
Once in the forest, the zombies are unlikely to catch you, the reason
being that their fine and gross motor skills are extremely undeveloped
because their limbs are stiff and their brains rotted-through by the virus
that afflicts them. So unless you are super ‘unco,’ the forest affords
greater potential protection than the library. That said, however, most
science students (mathematicians/engineers) and arts students (history/
philosophy majors etc) should probably stay clear of the outdoors, as
statistics tell us that they normally fall within the category of ‘unco’.
For example, mathematics students will be hopelessly lost in the forest
because they will have to find the mathematical probability of left or
right. Moreover, engineers will try to make sense of everything they come
across - they seem unable to admit that sometimes things cannot be
deconstructed. Although they like to declare otherwise, engineers cannot
survive if they cannot understand why something happens.
Once you have barricaded yourselves within your fort or have found
a suitable locale in the forest, be prepared to fend for yourself. Even
though you are in a group, there will most likely be one bad apple - he/
she should be the first to be consumed if supplies run short. If, for some
reason, you are required to move your position, get the fat person in your
group to be the decoy; their weight and general physical tardiness will
draw the zombies away from you. Before long they will tire, trip up, and
be devoured. The resultant distribution of weight from your fat friend’s
carcass in the zombies’ now full stomachs should slow them down for a
while, increasing your chances to move or get more supplies.
Ultimately, your chances of survival depend on the people in your
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group. You must work together to survive. Unless you are an ex-SAS
member (another reason why Defence Studies students should be soughtafter in your group) it is unlikely that you will survive for an extended
amount of time on your own.
The best advice, dear readers, is to say that those of you who are prepared
stand the best chance of survival. So the next time you’re walking around
campus and spot what you believe to be an exchange student from South
America or someone from Whangarei, don’t just think “Oh, that’s what
they all look like over there.” No. Act and act quickly: your life and the
lives of other people depend on your actions from that moment forth.
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FOR JAMES HANSEN’S GRANDCHILDREN
MASSIVE PHOTO FEATURE: LANCE CASH
INTRO BY MORGAN BROWNE & MATT SHAND
MASSIVE prides itself on reflecting and sharing all talents embedded in the
Massey student body. This photo feature aims to demonstrate the highest
quality of photography produced by talented and creative Massey students.
Each issue, MASSIVE will endeavour to bring you images from skilled
photographers to inspire and be enjoyed.. This is the world how they see it. If
you wish to see your photos in this space, please contact the editor.
Lance Cash’s digital photographic works, seeks to explore ideas of dislocation,
representation and mediation with strong ethical and environmental concerns
framing the content. The exploration of these ideas and concerns seeks to
raise questions about the ontology of photographic representation, practices
of viewing and established relationships to the assumed real world. The large
hyper digitalised prints are constructed out of photographs exclusively of the
water cycle, or hydrological cycle, such as clouds, rivers, oceans, lakes, and rain
and Cash argues that the way an audience interprets his dislocating photographic
works parallels how contemporary New Zealanders interpret and engage with the
hydrological cycle. Our daily relationship to this natural cycle and environment is
highly mediated by contemporary technology, social infrastructure and cultural
values.
The collection is titled in reference to Storms of My Grandchildren written by
American NASA and Climate Scientist, James Hansen, who explores intensified
extreme weather events that arise from the acceleration of the hydrological cycle
if fossils fuels are still emitted into the atmosphere. Cash makes no hesitation in
insisting his exhibition has been framed with strong ethical and environmental
concerns about our self-destructive relationship to the planet and the impact this
will have on future generations.
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Massive
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massive photography feature: LANCE CASH
FOR JAMES HANSEN’S GRANDCHILDREN
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THE NEGATIVE ONTOLOGY OF
MODERN VIDEOGAMES: A SHORT FILM
STARRING ZYNGA AS ITSELF
Facebook games – are they stealing your time, your money and
your self-worth? Charlie Mitchell crawls through a river of
shit and comes out still covered in shit: an official review of
Zynga’s Cityville.
It’s 2am on a Saturday. My fellow 20-somethings are burning through
the night in a blurred haze of hedonistic bliss, vigorously embracing the
ephemera of their youth. The celestial dust of a roaming comet showers
the night sky - a rare, aesthetically triumphant cosmic event for this
curious little planet. Meanwhile, I’m noodling over a complex moral crisis: should I spend
several of my hard earned Facebook bucks to buy ‘energy’, a virtual
commodity required for me to continue playing Cityville, or should I
prostitute myself to my Facebook friends (which would also grant me
enough energy to continue playing but would likely be akin to a public
pants-shitting on the poor life-choices scale).
The motives behind the desire to spend real money on something I
don’t particularly like are powerful and complex, and perhaps beyond the
scope of this particular article.
Whatever the case, I am now quietly waiting the 53 seconds required
for me to finally collect imaginary rent from the imaginary little
cocksucker who lives by the digital train station in my digital city (which,
incidentally, is unfortunately named Pimptown). Like many people, I
struggle to name things when placed on a strict time constraint, and tend
to fall back on rampant douchebaggery when my creativity fails. I am not
presently bothered by this, because clicking things in this game provides
a visceral satisfaction for my easy-to-please brooder.
That’s why Facebook games made a trillion dollars last year. After
all – they make the arbitrary act of clicking highly gratifying. How they
accomplish this has required the successful coalescence of a century
of behavioural science, the entire history of the games industry, and a
single person’s ruthless desire to convert someone else’s lunch break
into a swimming pool for their seaside mansion. Though the equation is
complex, the end result is rather simple: I lose $2 on a game I don’t like
and a significant lump of my self-worth.
This likely sounds like the longest sustained First World Problem
since the horrifying Marmite famine that is ravaging the nation. But my
brush with the psychological tyranny of Cityville, though degrading, has
allowed me to peer into an increasingly important aspect of the modern
experience. Specifically, that some of our entertainment isn’t even
slightly entertaining and we’ll throw money in its general direction for
the privilege of not having to play it.
The explosion of social gaming has unmasked some of the deeply
entombed bedrock of human behaviour, and the grizzled, mangled face is
an ominous sight to behold. The capacity for the human mind to engage
in acts of self-immolation, as exhibited through my fleeting moment of
weakness, reveals an inherent deficiency within the structures of the
brain where I convinced myself that I was enjoying my own self-sabotage.
This thought briefly flickered through my mind as I flapdoodled about
my moral crisis. I was fully aware that I wasn’t in a thrall of ecstasy as I
impassively watched some digital people erect the Pimptown Museum
of Natural History. But my chimp-like instincts won out as I marched
onwards to my quarter life crisis, because that whimsical little post
office wasn’t going to hire its own stamp licker (this isn’t a metaphor,
unfortunately).
Social games made upwards of six trillion dollars in the last year. You
probably have one in your pocket. You almost certainly have one in your
house. They are the product of a postmodern society groaning under the
weight of its enormous media output – an integral component of our tabdriven web-grazing habits, in which we inhale media like enormous blue
whales feasting on plankton by the trawler-load.
We might give these games a quick little gander when we’re on the toilet
and we’ve already read the back of the shampoo bottle a hundred times,
but we are unlikely to stare at them all day (except for those people with
staggeringly poor self-control, which unfortunately includes myself). Hundreds of millions of people have absorbed social games into their
everyday lives, which is why it’s extremely important that we consider
their influence. After all, if diseased, hissing, mutated babies popped into
existence and started following us into the toilet we would likely do some
tests or something.
As the above metaphor should indicate, I am not in the corner of social
games re: their existence. I think most of them are computer viruses
whose sole purpose is to latch on to host bodies and propagate through
a web of uncomfortable social interactions. They’re pretty, decorous and
whimsical, and they present an agreeably utopian vision of harmony
through their aesthetic. But the process of playing them is like being
sentenced to hard labour, where the only way to escape is to rat out your
friends and get them dragged into forced captivity with you.
Personally, I’m quite thrilled I don’t live in North Korea, which is why
I resent the fact that some of our most popular entertainments try to
simulate the experience.
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“ ‘Not necessarily in the way puppy-kickers are evil, more
a banal, every day sort of evil, like how KFC release the
Double Down in 8 week increments.’
You have most likely heard of Zynga, the money printing factory
responsible for games such as Farmville, Cityville and Mafia Wars.
They are the precocious poster child for the video-games-as-addictivesubstance craze that has lurched beast-like across all spheres of screen
based interaction.
There is a reason why Zynga’s games inspire such rabid addiction –
because they’re carefully designed to do so, employing mechanics derived
from the malevolent tag team of psychology and economics to engage
players into compulsion loops where mundane actions are both rewarded
and habit-forming.
We can also thank the field of behavioural science, whose on-going
ability to decode and unravel the neuroses of the human mind lead to
increasingly sophisticated techniques of grasping consumers into a
virtual headlock.
Don’t get me wrong: these people are brilliant. I imagine they sleep on
piles of Harvard degrees and trash bags filled with money, and perhaps
justifiably so. They are also evil. Not necessarily in the way puppy-kickers
are evil, more a banal, everyday sort of evil, like how KFC releases the
Double Down in eight-week increments, restricting supply to increase
demand, which inspires the weak-willed peons such as myself to froth at
the mouth in an MSG-riddled haze any time I see two pieces of chicken
parallel to each other.
Come to think of it, KFC and Zynga probably employ the same roving
band of psychologists. Both companies expertly intersect economics and
psychology to inspire a fervent adherence to their products.
Certain Facebook games, though, are society’s most devious distillation
of this effect. The overwhelming majority of people who play Farmville or
Cityville pay precisely zero dollars for the privilege. They are ‘free’ games,
after all.
Of the 230 million people who play a Zynga game every month, only
2.2% (about 5 million people) contribute revenue to the company by
buying virtual goods. Of those 5 million, 20% are known internally at
Zynga as “Whales”, a term borrowed from the casino industry to identify
a person who spends extraordinary amounts of money. These ‘Whales’
spend an average of $1100 each annually (with some spending upwards of
$10,000). Apparently the biggest, fattest whales receive gifts from Zynga,
and some even directly correspond with CEO Mark Pincus. As a group,
Whales are the single biggest contributor to Zynga’s revenue stream.
So what becomes of us free users, who play the game only because it’s
shiny and it’s Monday and we’re plagued with fuckarounditis? We are
the Japanese fishermen, recruited to help Zynga harpoon their valuable
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Whales (purely for scientific purposes, obviously).
Though these games are ostensibly free to play, all users invest some
form of currency into the game. The most important of these currencies
are Time and Media Value. Ideally for Zynga, the time we invest into the
game will become actual money.
In Cityville, for instance, you eventually reach a point where one of
the three in-game currencies (money) becomes impossible to acquire
without either spending real life money or advertising the game to your
friends. By this point the game’s mechanics have its claws in you – they
have implied the possibilities of expansion by allowing you to unlock a
huge number of buildings, but prevent you from using them by restricting
the supply of currency (scarcity, once again). This becomes something
of a breaking point where a free user becomes a paying user, and is the
single most importantly constructed moment of the game.
The other currency is Media Value, which is the most cloying, virus-like
aspect of these games.
The existence of a popular game works like a forest fire, blazing across
your social sphere. An anecdote to illustrate: one of my 60 Facebook
friends, Howard, has poor social skills, and frequently invites me to play
a death squad of games with questionable titles such as Margaritaville,
and Journey of Jesus – The Calling. I have sent many libellous messages
to Howard, most of which involve me relating my plans to throw bags of
rancid garbage at his mother if he doesn’t stop. Unfazed, he continues to
assault me with requests to play Bonerville (which I’m pretty sure isn’t
even a real thing), because the impetus to advertise the game to your
friends is deeply encoded into the mechanics of the game and is vital to
its continued existence.
As you play a social game, you will no doubt be frequently accosted by
an urgent pop-up asking you to share whatever menial action you’ve just
performed. For the particularly sophisticated games, you may be able to
receive a valuable in-game commodity by requesting ‘help’ from a friend,
who will receive a reward of their own for ‘helping’ you. Neither person
loses anything through this social transaction because they both receive a
reward without losing anything of their own, making it silly not to do so.
This Swine Flu-esque style of proliferation is like whaling with a fleet
of carpet bombers: you can’t not hear about these games, or be actively
pressured by your friends to play them. The only value you (a free user)
provide Zynga by playing the game is your ability to tell someone else
about it, someone who will hopefully join the two-and-a-half percent of
people willing to drop a couple of space bucks on a virtual lampshade.
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Effectively, we’re all a bunch of Captain Ahabs, looking for that White
Whale.
The relentless fragmentation of media is dangerous – we have all
probably felt ‘over-entertained’, where we are subsumed into the daily
pursuit of The Single Most Entertaining Thing I Could Be Doing Right
Now, which inevitably leads us to skim through the abyssal drone of
lesser media, absorbing fragments of the world without fully absorbing
anything. This is what social-game-makers prey upon. They are one of
the few groups of artists who aspire to be lesser media. They don’t try to
ascend above the noise, they try to be the loudest thing out there. They’re
the guy with the vuvuzela at the table tennis tournament, desperately
trying to hold a glimmer of your attention in the most obnoxious way
possible. They lacerate the mind with inanity, leading the chorus of the
drone like an overly enthused conductor.
The whole thing is just rotten, really. The social games industry is like a
mean parody of video games – a postmodern stunt to expose the zombielike passiveness of entertainment consumers.
Games like Cityville and The Sims Social and the first Farmville are
completely infantalising, and telegraphed to the extent where the player
has no ability to make serious decisions or exert any autonomy, because
doing so would lead them away from the carefully designed breaking
point where a free user becomes a paid user. They are most definitely not
‘free’. The currency you pay may not be tangible, but it has an abstract
value far more important than money.
But let’s put some balloons up at this pity party. A game like Angry
Birds, where the player can engage with the game in a massive number
of ways, including the capacity to control minute movements to create
virtually infinite outcomes, has curiously prospered alongside the social
gaming tidal wave, despite being its very antithesis in regards to game
design. It brings to mind the simplicity and fluidity of Super Mario Bros,
where the method of play is deeply felt, an intuitive extension of the
player’s reflexes, not oppressively banal and dictated to you by a weird
little girl who inexplicably commands you to do things.
As the putative creepy step-father of the social games cabal, Zynga
no doubt receives a flurry of helpful suggestions disguised as threats of
violence from the concerned public. They have certainly played the role
of gruesome, hatchet-wielding zombie freak in this particular article. But
perhaps some sympathy is due.
Since its initial public offering in late 2011, Zynga’s stocks have
plummeted in value by 83%. Early this year, it shut down 11 of its games
as part of an elaborate cost-cutting measure. Weeks later, a non-Zynga
game topped the social games chart for the first time in recent memory,
pushing the messianic Farmville 2 into second place.
Personally, I’m not polishing my cleats to tap dance on Zynga’s
decomposing corpse just yet; there are a number of talented individuals in
their employ, after all, who create polished, sophisticated, and thoughtful
products, and who do not deserve to lose their jobs. They are not
profoundly damaged, nor are they malicious – they were likely enveloped
into Zynga’s black hole of a bank vault and coerced into working on
projects that just happen to be creatively bankrupt and slightly evil.
However, the slow-motion collapse of Zynga creates an interesting
semiosis for an observer of the casual gaming industry. Mobile devices
are in the process of snatching the casual gaming throne from Facebook
and are also acting as arbiter of meaningful, sophisticated videogame
experiences, which have led companies like Zynga to flail as their
monetisation strategies quickly become unsustainable at roughly the
same rate a factory of impoverished Asian workers assembles a fleet of
new iPads.
Importantly, the game that dethroned Zynga from the top of the
social games chart (Candy Crush Saga) is a mobile game. The transition
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BEHIND THE BLUE ROSE
With its strong promotional campaign across a range of mediums, you’ve by
now – unless you stay clear of technology – surely heard the hype about TV3’s
new show The Blue Rose. With the premiere of the show having just hit our
screens, Logan Carr caught up with co-creator and writer Rachel Lang and
lead actress Siobhan Marshall to have a chat about the show, their respective
careers, and the New Zealand television industry.
Created by Rachel Lang and James Griffin, The Blue Rose is a murder mystery that
runs over 13 episodes. Set in Auckland City, it follows office temp Jane (Antonia
Prebble), who takes on a new post at an inner city law firm. She soon discovers that the
PA she is replacing – Rose – died under mysterious circumstances. Rose’s former best
friend – Linda (Siobhan Marshall) – quickly enlists Jane in her quest for the truth.
Together they recruit the IT guy and the lady from payroll and form the Society of
the Blue Rose.
RACHEL LANG INTERVIEW
While you might not be familiar with the name, odds are that you’ll certainly recognize
Rachel Lang’s body of work.
With more than two decades of experience as a writer, script, and story editor,
Rachel is one of the top drama creators in New Zealand. Early in her career she spent
three years working on Shortland Street, before co-creating and writing the awardwinning New Zealand drama series Outrageous Fortune. She and fellow Outrageous
Fortune co-creator James Griffin have since created The Almighty Johnsons and are
again at the helm of the upcoming series The Blue Rose.
Rachel also co-created and co-wrote – alongside Gavin Strawhan – comedy/drama
series Go Girls, Nothing Trivial, and This is Not My Life, helping further establish
herself as New Zealand’s Queen of Drama.
You’ve become one of the most successful screenwriters in New Zealand.
Describe (briefly) how you got to this point.
Work. Luck. Accident. I started out as an actress and I found that unemployment
loomed (laughs) so I did a journalism course. After that, I ended up working as a script
editor in television. Then my big break was going on to Shortland Street when it first
started.
You’ve now been in the industry over two decades. How have you managed to
have continued success over time?
By working with good people. One of the great things about working on television
is that it’s quite collaborative so I tend to work with somebody else, which makes it
easier because we can bounce ideas off each other.
Writing is a job that requires a lot of self-motivation. How do you stay
motivated to create?
There’s always a deadline, there’s always a schedule. If you’re working on a show –
and it’s going to be shot – there’s a time frame. If you don’t write it within that time,
there’s going to be a whole lot of people standing around with nothing to do – so that’s
quite motivating (laughs).
Your new show The Blue Rose premiered on February 4. How did the idea for
the show come about?
It’s sort of a longstanding joke that we – me and James [Griffin] – have had since
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Shortland Street that the world is run by “the conspiracy of receptionists” (laughs);
and they’re a lot more powerful than they appear. For example, they can choose to pass
on your message and what they pass on. That idea was combined with the fact that
often within organisations; people who aren’t perceived as “important” usually know a
hell of a lot. So we took that and ran with it.
With the success of your past shows, how much pressure do you feel in creating
something new? Do you worry about how it’ll be perceived in relation to previous
work?
I used to worry, but now I worry less because I know in the end it’s in the hands of
the audience and the network. Once I’ve made it and it goes on air they’ll either like
it or they won’t. I make it a general policy to not read reviews (laughs). At that point
it’s too late anyway, and if one television critic likes or doesn’t like it, it doesn’t matter.
In the end, you have to have your own opinion and think “Have I done the best that
I can do given the time and resources that I had?”, and if you can answer “Yes” to that,
you can lie down happy.
You seem to have found a winning formula. In your opinion, what makes a
good story or show?
Well, there’s no one size fits all. Different people respond to different things. I like
it when an idea has a seam behind it, or something that I’m interested in exploring. It’s
also good if you have characters who are struggling to attain something. New Zealand
is a country where the predominant myth is of the “little battlers”, and that works well
here. But I don’t consciously make up shows to that formula – there isn’t a winning
one. If there was, everyone would be doing it (laughs).
Once you’ve created something, how hard is it handing it over and
surrendering control? Does it ever turn out like you pictured in your head at the
time of writing?
Ah, the secret is that I don’t surrender control (laughs). I’m a noted control
freak, and fortunately the big shift in the time that I’ve been writing is that creators
of the work have a lot more influence and involvement in the work. I usually work
with directors, designers, music people, and so on, and that’s another fun part of the
collaboration process. Because of that collaboration, I think part of our job as writers
is that we clearly communicate the idea. I’m visually illiterate, but I like working with
those guys and trying to finding a way for us to translate the ideas into something
visual.
Describe your typical creating/writing process. Do you have a typical routine
or structure in creating a screenplay or storyline?
There are various stages to the work. One is coming up with the idea in the first
place. That’s usually done with just me and another writer, and then – once we’ve got a
commission – we normally open it up to a team of writers who we work with. Then we
kick around ideas, and most of the time we’re rude and disgusting (laughs). After that,
we start blocking out stories for the series. The Blue Rose is different, though. Usually
with a comedy/drama series we’ll put up a big piece of paper on the wall and block
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out character arcs for the whole series so we know where our characters and stories are
going to go. But doing a murder mystery is a completely different process where you’re
not relying on character shifts or relationship shifts in the same way, you’re actually
trying to build your clues as to “who did it”. It’s a lot more functional and difficult. That
was a new process for me.
For all the young writers with budding screenplays or ideas out there, what
are your tips?
I think it’s useful to watch and read a lot of other people’s work and get experience
taking criticism – that’s a very hard lesson to learn. And keep reworking. It’s also good
to think – if you want to be a commercial writer – what might entertain people. I
think the trap a lot of new writers fall into is that they’ll write something that will be
miserable and gloomy and someone commits suicide or someone’s being abused – I
mean, you may have something important to say but it’s probably not the first time
it’s been said, so think about how you can make it more fun and something which you
would go see yourself.
As a university magazine, I’m sure some of our readers out there will want to
know: how easy is it for graduates to get into the industry? How does it compare
with overseas in terms of accessibility?
It’s hard anywhere. The New Zealand industry is very small so there aren’t a lot of
jobs, but at the same time people are quite open and generous with their time. So it’s
relatively easy to get, for example, an intern position in New Zealand; and if you are
personable and hard-working you can go a long way. The difficult thing is that there
are too many courses for film and television for the number of jobs in the industry –
but I think it’s easier here than anywhere else to get in. The competition overseas is
absolutely massive.
Now that you are an established writer, how has the process of getting your
work onto the screen changed from when you were trying to make it?
I know the people at the networks well, so it’s easy to get the opportunity to pitch
an idea. Having experience and being an old fart is quite good in that way (laughs); but
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at the same time there is a hunger for new ideas. Most of the networks and production
companies will look at an idea if you send it in, and a lot of companies have good
guidelines on how to do that. If you’re a complete unknown, they will tend to take you
more seriously if you’re working with a production company or a producer – but really,
a good idea is a good idea. Everyone’s looking for something fresh.
What are your goals for The Blue Rose? Any plans for a second season?
The New Zealand film industry is interesting because if the show works they’ll order
another one; if it doesn’t, they won’t. They don’t worry about what might happen next
until it happens. Everyone’s surprised to hear this, but with Outrageous Fortune we
never knew if there’d be another season. The funding model here means you have to
reapply each time, and you have to have the backing of the network to get the money.
So we’ll see what happens.
SIOBHAN MARSHALL INTERVIEW
Most New Zealanders will recognize actress Siobhan Marshall from her time as Pascalle
West on Outrageous Fortune – a role that saw her nominated for Best Performance
by a Supporting Actress at the 2008 and 2009 Qantas Film and Television Awards.
Throughout the early days of her career, she performed in numerous amateur theatre
productions. She kick-started her on-screen career with an appearance on Shortland
Street, and has also appeared in the kid’s show Amazing Extraordinary Friends, Sing
Like A Superstar, and recently made a guest appearance on The Almighty Johnsons.
The Blue Rose sees her reassuming a lead role – opposite fellow Outrageous Fortune
star Antonia Prebble – and playing the character of Linda.
You’ve become a household name in NZ. When did you realize acting was
what you wanted to do? And how did your family support what’s often perceived
as a career for “dreamers”?
I’ve wanted to be an actor for as long as I can remember, so it has been a natural
thing. As for my family’s reaction, well I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer (laughs) so
45
I guess they thought that that’s what I was going to do. They were pretty supportive.
You are now a television star, but your background is in stage theatre and
in the early days of your career you appeared in a variety of amateur theatre
productions. Why the shift from stage to screen?
More money in screen (laughs). And I enjoy it more. I enjoy stage as well, but I like
the whole process of making a television show, or anything for the screen. I like that
there’s a big crew and that it’s a big collaborative project.
You’re starring in the new television series The Blue Rose and playing the
character of Linda. Tell us a bit about her.
She’s a really tough character, and loyal to all her friends. She is Rose’s – who is
murdered – best friend, and that loyalty makes her determined to find out who killed
her. She is also physical and pretty direct. I don’t view her as a typical Kiwi – she’s more
of a New Yorker (laughs). She also rides a motorbike.
Speaking of that, you had to do some basic motorbike training to prepare for
the role. Did you go through any other mental or physical preparations?
Physically, I did 30 straight days of fitness training to gain additional confidence and
strength because Linda is a strong character. As for the mental side of things, I usually
spend a lot of time thinking about a role before I go and do it. I also meet with people
who remind me of that character and take bits and bob to incorporate into the role.
The screen industry is perceived as being full of ups and downs. What’s your
advice for staying level in the industry and not getting too low or high?
Make sure you have other things going on, and do not have acting as the “be all and
end all”. Have lots of friends and family around you who are grounded and keep you
grounded, and get used to the rejection that comes with acting and know that it’s not
personal.
In an interview Cameron Crowe did with Emma Stone, he referenced
something he’d heard Martin Scorsese say about how people become frozen in
the time when they become successful because they become successful for being
that person at that time. Then they have to really fight in order to grow past that.
Because of how successful Outrageous Fortune was, have you found it hard to
move past the role of Pascalle?
Yes and no. I got a bit stereotyped when I first came out, but I expected that so it
was okay. I keep my personal life separate from my professional one, and I had lots of
other things going on apart from acting, so that kept me moving forward and growing
as both an actor and person.
What actors or actresses do you look up to?
Lately, Jennifer Lawrence – I think she’s amazing.
Have you seen her latest film, Silver Linings Playbook? It’s stunning.
Yes, I did. It’s awesome, and she’s great in it. One of her best performances.
Speaking of performances, do you have any moments that stand out as the best
and worst of your career so far?
I’ve really enjoyed everything I’ve done so far – that’s a bit of a crap out answer
(laughs).
Complete this sentence: Hardest part of being an actor for a living is…
… the instability. Not knowing when your next job will job.
If you weren’t acting, what would you be doing?
I have no idea (laughs). I ask myself that all the time and I have never come up with
anything, so I’m thankful I made it as an actress.
How easy is the acting industry to get into in New Zealand?
There’s not a lot in New Zealand, it’s pretty small. So if you really want to do it, then
go for it. But if you only sort of want to do it and want to do a lot of other things too,
then maybe try those other avenues instead (laughs).
What are your personal goals moving forward?
Continue to act – here, internationally, wherever, I don’t really mind. And be happy.
You can catch episodes of The Blue Rose weekly on TV3, Mondays at 8.30pm
MASSIVE Entertainment FEATURE
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MILLS & POON : THE ADVENTURES OF DICK HARDY
Last year in MASSIVE, Dick Hardy teased thousands of you
with his tantalising tales of erotic stimulation. This year, he
returns and brings romance and raunchiness to have you
screaming for more. WARNING: Do not read if you are easily
offended or do not wish to be extremely turned on.
Fellow Massey students! So begins a new year full of possibility, excitement, and
lust! Massey students, from my experience, are very social and interesting people. Not
like those boring, studious Auckland and Victoria Uni students… And so I would
hope you all had a New Year’s night as stimulating to the senses as my own!
Let me explain.
For an unrivalled New Year, I chose to reside at the appropriately festive Rhythm
and Vines in Gisborne. There’s something unforgettable about the atmosphere at
R’n’V. Falling drunk in the sunshine, falling in and out of conversation with strangers,
and falling in love with the people around you.
Three days into our experience, I had mostly been enjoying the good people,
sunshine, and tunes. I had had a few sneaky pashes but I hadn’t yet met a girl to really
pique my interest. At Rhythm, the quality of girl you meet often consists of drunken
young girls who like to throw themselves at you in a manner that does little for my
urges, and the more mature girls from the R20 campsites who know how to pace
themselves but wear less revealing clothing. It seems that the older the girls get then
the less provocative they like to appear. What a façade! I was content this year to spend
more time with the music and my friends than with any seductresses.
So, by night three I had only shared first base with a few girls who hadn’t been able
to hold my attention for long. Unencumbered, I made my way to the stages in a halfintoxicated stumble with a group of my boisterous friends. On the way there, a group
of attractive promo girls called out to us to partake in a moonhopper race. I couldn’t
think of many things more inviting at that time in my state so I enthusiastically
accepted. My friends, however, went on to the concert and I told them I’d find them
in there.
I mounted the rubbery orb amid a few other determined volunteers. I looked across
and caught eyes with a girl who had been camping near us. She looked at me with a
grin and I knew I had to beat her. The promo girl counted down and, as she got to
one, the girl lunged forward on her hopper. I sat in admiration for a moment as her
generous bosom bounced toward her face each time she moved forward. Snapping out
of my sleaze, I bounded after her with an ungainly enthusiasm. Leaping in an awkward
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diagonal to get closer to her, she reached the turning point of the race and turned
to face me on the return trip. She burst out laughing at my efforts to catch her and
bounced toward me. In an uncoordinated effort to get out of the way, I bounced into
her hopper and she shrieked good humouredly as she tumbled off the hopper and on
to me. We fell backwards in a heap of laughter. That was when the magic of R’n’V hit
me; as she lay on my chest, we both paused and looked into each other’s eyes. As corny
as it sounds, it was desperately romantic and I smiled nervously at her to convince
myself not to fall in love right then and there.
“I was winning before you got in my way, you know,” she assured me.
“I think you were just taking out your biggest threat,” I countered. “You can get off
me now, you know,” I laughed. She mocked offence but stood up with a grin. I only
wanted her off me before she started to feel another big threat which was beginning
to emerge.
“Well you owe me a frisbee and drink bottle now,” she said as she motioned toward
the winner receiving the prizes.
“How about I do you one better,” I offered and, collecting my balls, I took her by the
hand toward the Scrumpy tent.
“Wait! My friends!” she cried, but I pulled her away and let her call out her goodbyes.
In hindsight, it was lucky she was so good natured and was laughing, otherwise her
friends may have not been so permissive! But, like I said, the magic of R’n’V allows for
the usually socially unacceptable. I took her to the Scrumpy tent and, squeezing in the
queue, I showed the staff a small Scrumpy bottle I had consumed earlier in the day. In
return they asked what I would like written on a t-shirt.
“Do you trust me?” I asked her.
“Not at all!” she laughed.
“Wise, but how boring!” I turned to the staff and whispered what I wanted typed
on to the shirt. In no time, it was printed on and, making sure she couldn’t see what
was on it, I walked up to her and slipped it into her small bag. I pressed myself close
to her and held both of her hands. “Now if you promise not to look at what the shirt
says until the New Year, then I’ll let you keep it,” I told her. “Deal?” She looked at me
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curiously but then smiled. “Ok then, mister mysterious, it’s a deal!”
I bought us drinks and we made our way to the Rhythm stage and found the
hammocks on the hill overlooking the stage. Sitting next to each other in an empty
one, I took a good look at this stranger who I had somehow found myself with. She
had on a large black singlet which she was using as a dress. It was open at the sides to
allow a generous viewing of side boob. Long, sun-kissed legs extended from this and
swung us in our hammock.
“So ...” she said a little awkwardly, “what in all the world should we talk about?”
I laughed off her shyness. “Tell me something interesting,” I told her. “I’m so sick of
polite conversation, ‘Hi, how are you,’ ‘Oh I’m good thanks,’ blah blah blah. Tell me
something new. Something you would usually never dare to tell anybody.” I stared at
her hard, wondering how well she would accommodate my request. She chewed her lip
as she was thinking and I leaned further back in the hammock to admire this stunning
creature. She was gorgeous. Who knows how deeply my judgment was impaired by
the alcohol.
“Well,” she began. “I heard somewhere that you’re most creative after 10pm. When
everything is quiet, and most normal people have gone to sleep. So most nights, after
10pm, I paint. Sometimes for hours.”
“What do you paint?”
“You’ll laugh if I tell you.”
“Hurry up, I only have one life, which isn’t enough to go chasing after answers.”
“People. Naked people. Beautiful naked people,” she laughed at herself.
Then she pulled out her phone and showed me a photo of one of her paintings. I
looked at her a little in awe. The painting was amazing, incredibly realistic, and more
than a little provocative. Suddenly I leaned in, overwhelmed by the music from the
stage, the euphoria that R’n’V evokes and this incredible girl next to me. Our lips met
and she kissed me with as much restraint as alcohol allowed. Which wasn’t much. We
sat kissing and talking in the hammock for what felt like hours. Six60 and P Money
came and left and finally, during The Presets, the countdown to the New Year started.
10! 9! We stopped talking and she grabbed my hand. Looking into my eyes with a
startlingly erotic gaze, she slid my hand slowly up her leg. Not breaking eye contact,
she pressed my hand beneath her dress and between her legs where I could feel the
heat against her underwear. 8! 7! Following her lead, my fingers pressed hard against
her with a teasing rhythm. Leaning close to me in the secluded hammock, she then slid
her hand down my pants to find my bulging vine. 6! 5! She began rubbing me back and
forth inside my pants and she moaned toward me as my fingers worked their magic.
4! 3! 2! 1! And as the crowd burst into cheers, we kissed, our bodies grinding against
hands and the pleasure they were bringing.
The cheering drowned out our noises, but we didn’t care if we were heard anyway.
Feeling bold, I unzipped my pants and let her pull my manhood out to face the music.
She stroked me hard and fast and I pulled her panties to the side to immerse my fingers
in her honey pot. She moaned into my mouth and bit my lip. “I’m going to paint you,
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beautiful boy. I’m going to paint this,” she whispered. And as she said it, the fireworks
exploded above us and, silencing my ecstasy into her neck, I exploded in her hand. She
slowed to a stop and looked at the mess all over her hands in amusement.
“Happy New Year,” I smiled at her and we burst out laughing at what had just
transpired. Then I pulled her in front of me and lay us down together so her back
was facing me. I slid her underwear down to her feet and nestled her silky smooth
behind into my deflating member. Reaching around with both hands, I hooked my
thumb slowly back and forth into her G spot, and with my other hand I teased the
smooth outside of her mound. I always had to wonder if girls were so vigilant as to
shave while at R’n’V or if some of them simply grew hair slower than others. Either
way, my manhood began to wake back up and was soon pressing into the crease of
her amazing ass. Noticing my renewed enthusiasm, she began to rock more vigorously
against me and I began to gently hump her back door. Barely able to control herself
now, she whimpered in pleasure as I stimulated her from both directions.
“Put it in,” she suddenly whispered. “Fuck my ass!”
I just about lost control at her sudden dirty talk but responded by pressing firmly
against her. It was extremely tight and I only managed minimal penetration but she
began bucking frantically against me. I felt her pussy walls contract on my thumb and
her ass tensed on my cock as an orgasm began to seize her. “Oh fuuuuuck,” she moaned
and I watched in delight as her toes curled up and her whole body convulsed. I glanced
quickly around and I could feel a few people’s eyes on us but at that point I didn’t
care. Overwhelmed by arousal I thrust again against her tight hole and felt myself
explode for the second time that night. She turned her head to me and we kissed again.
“That was amazing,” she said and I hummed my agreement. Exhausted, we lay in the
hammock for a while after that, enjoying the music and each other’s company.
After our lusting had subsided slightly, she looked at me and said, “You know, we
should probably go and find our friends.”
“I suppose you’re right.” We said our goodbyes and finally I watched as she
disappeared into the crowd. I smiled as I remembered the shirt I had left in her bag.
I looked for her the next day briefly but she must have left early and I never got her
number. So if you’re out there and you have a Scrumpy shirt which says, “Happy New
Year beautiful stranger,” then send me an e-mail so you can get in touch with me! And
the sponsors of R’n’V can feel free to hook me up for all of their free advertising.
I hope you all had an amazing holiday and let’s get excited for a whole new year of
parties, people and pleasure!
Until next time,
Dick Hardy
Got an itch to scratch? Are you the girl in his story? Email Dick Hardy directly at
[email protected].
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KICKING IT OFF WITH JOHNSON
The 2013 NRL season is about to kick off. Logan Carr catches up
with Warriors star Shaun Johnson to talk about his career so
far -Warriors fans, and the 2013 season.
I haven’t had too many weird or crazy ones (laughs).
You’re quickly becoming one of the best young players
in the NRL, but growing up League wasn’t your only
love. You also played Touch Rugby and Aussie Rules
(representing New Zealand in both), and played Rugby
Union in your high school’s First XV. When did your
affection shift predominantly to League and you
realized “this is what I want to do”?
Position: Halfback
Weight: 92 kg
Height: 179 cm (5 ft 10 in)
Date of Birth: 09/09/1990 (22 years old)
Place of Birth: Auckland, New Zealand
Shaun Johnson, the New Zealand Warriors’ halfback
and one of the rising young stars of the NRL, is quickly
establishing himself as one of the best playmakers in the
game. In 2011, he burst onto the scene with a standout
rookie NRL season in which he helped guide the
Warriors to the 2011 Grand Final and was named the
Warriors’ Young NRL Player of the Year. He followed
that up with a solid campaign in 2012 that saw him
make his international debut for the Kiwis in the
ANZAC test.
You’ve already accomplished a lot in a still young career.
How does it feel to be having so much success at only
22?
It’s all pretty amazing. Growing up as a kid, it was always
a dream of mine to play in the NRL, and the fact that it
all happened so fast still feels surreal. When I initially
came into first grade, I couldn’t really believe it was
happening. It was a very cool experience to go through.
In your Kiwi debut you scored an 80 meter intercept try.
Describe that feeling of putting on a black jersey for the
first time and scoring in your first test.
That was a special moment for me. What made it even
more special was that it was in Auckland, at Eden Park.
I was raised up in Auckland so all my family and friends
were able to come out and watch. To me, representing
your country is the pinnacle of League, and while we
didn’t get the win, I got through the whole match and
that was an unforgettable moment for me.
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I think my love for League was always there. Growing
up, I never wanted to play for the All Blacks, but I
always wanted to play for the Warriors and the Kiwis.
Right throughout my childhood years it was always
Rugby League. The only reason I went to Rugby Union
was because all my mates played it, and where I’m from
League wasn’t a huge thing. As for Aussie Rules, that
was just a hobby, a new and different challenge for me
and it really helped my kicking game in League. But the
two sports I always loved were Touch and League.
Few players have had to deal with as much expectation
as you. Several years ago, Andrew Johns – one of the
legends of League – said “I haven’t been this excited
about a player in a long time”. Former NRL commentator
Phil Gould described you as the “New Benji Marshall”.
Those are some big accolades. How have you handled
the pressure of living up to them?
The pressure has been tough to deal with at times. I’m
lucky because I’ve got the right people around me – that
makes it easier. My family is always there for me and
I’ve got good friends who don’t let me get carried away
with it all. I think last year, more so than the first year,
I really felt the pressure of backing up that first season
I had in 2011. Going into 2012, a lot of people talked
about second season syndrome and hitting the wall. It
didn’t affect me to be honest and I think I dealt with it
well, especially earlier in the year, but with the way our
season went, people started to use that as an excuse for
the way my performances were going. You just have to
deal with it though – you can get brought down to earth
very fast in the NRL, so you’ve got to push it to the side
and get on with it.
The Warriors have some of the most devout fans in
League (and in all of sports) – what’s been the coolest or
weirdest fan experience you’ve had?
So no marriage proposals? Or anything along those
lines?
No, nothing like that. I don’t think young girls like me
(laughs). Even now I find it unreal that I get recognized
in the streets or when I go out at night. A lot of people
ask for a photo and that sort of thing. That’s enough for
me; I don’t need anything weird or crazy – especially
since I consider myself a normal 22 year old. I’m still
getting used to it all.
The Warriors were criticized last year for perhaps not
being fit and mentally tough enough during the back
end of the season, and the team’s second half collapse led
to the firing of Brian “Bluey” McLennan. Now with a
new coach – Matthew Elliott – in place, how are things
changing? Has there been a renewed focus on fitness and
the mental side of the game during pre-season training?
There have been a lot of changes. Not only on the
football field, but also with what’s happening within the
club. The club’s gone through a big overhaul after the
obvious disappointment of last year. They’ve put all the
right things in place for us to have a successful season.
Pre-season’s been tough but - talking about that mental
strength – we’ve really been tested this pre-season and
it can only benefit us down the road. I can honestly
say that we’ve been pushed to the limits and had to be
pushed through them at times. Every pre-season you’ve
got to look at things to improve on and the areas we
struggled in last year are getting looked at, but so are a
lot of other things.
Describe a typical pre-season fitness session.
At this stage there’s a lot of ground base fitness. In the
pre-season you do a lot of running to get a lot of time
on your legs. Our typical fitness session at the moment
would be focused on legs. A lot of “down, up” stuff.
We’ve got Ruben Wiki with us now, and he’s making us
do a lot of burpees and leg crawls. That’s mixed in with
all your skills sessions that you do while you’re at the
stadium.
James Maloney – your halves partner last year – will be
suiting up for the Sydney Roosters this season. Thomas
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Leuluai is expected to fill his boots. How are you dealing
with the change and the added responsibility?
It’s going good at the moment. To grow as a player
you’ve got to keep moving forward and accepting new
challenges, so I’m embracing it. I’m quite lucky as well
because I’ve got Thomas stepping in next to me, and he’s
an experienced player. He’s won a World Cup, and won
several competitions over in the Super League and we
get along well.
Which team in the NRL do you find the toughest to
go up against?
They’re all pretty tough, mate (laughs). The thing I’ll say
about the NRL is that there are literally no easy games.
You can’t look at the schedule and point at one game
that you’d class as an easy game. All the teams are tough
to play.
League great Darren Lockyer has previously opened up
in interviews and admitted he partied too much as fame
went to his head. How do you stay grounded with your
early success?
They kick off the regular season on the road March 9th
vs. Eels @ Parramatta
I’ve got good people around me, and I don’t take
anything for granted. I realize how lucky I am to play
Rugby League as a job. I’d be playing the sport regardless
of if I got paid or not.
The Rugby League World Cup is on later this year, and
while the Kangaroos have bested the Kiwis the last few
years (with the notable exception being the 2010 Four
Nations Final), New Zealand are the current holders
of the Cup. How much do you think the New Zealand
team has closed the gap with the Aussies?
It’s hard to single one out because there are so many
good players, but if I had to go for one, I’d probably say
Cooper Cronk – for the pure fact that he’s so drilled and
accurate in everything he does, and he’s a great halfback.
Massively. We seem to peak in the big tournaments,
like the Four Nations and obviously the World Cup,
but in the one off Tests and End-of-Year Tours we used
to fall flat. Now, over the last couple years, we’ve really
closed the gap. The game I played in was pretty tight the
entire time, and we genuinely thought we were in with
a chance to win. Then again late last year, we were up in
Townsville and it was a close game again. We were right
there, and we’re heading in the right direction.
Which player’s – past or present – games do you try to
study and emulate?
What’s your advice to any aspiring NRL players out
there?
I don’t study anyone’s game in particular. There are
player’s games you can take bits and pieces out of, but
the game is always changing so it’s hard to go back and
watch a game from, say, Andrew Johns in the late ‘90s
and try and compare it to what we do now because the
game’s so different. I do sometimes look at other players,
like Cooper Cronk and ( Jonathan) Thurston, but for
the most part I try to create my own sort of style.
Just keep believing. Playing in the NRL was always
a dream of mine and I never really thought it would
happen. You always think it only happens to special
players who are born with “it” but the truth is it can
happen to anyone who is willing to work hard enough
and believes that they can make it.
Who do you regard as the best player in the competition?
Titans @ Gold Coast
What are your goals for the 2013 season and beyond?
You’re currently under contract with the Warriors until
the end of the 2014 season. Do you think about joining
other teams?
No. I’m really focused with what’s happening at the
Warriors, and I’m really happy at the moment so I’ve got
no reason to leave.
Firstly, play good, consistent footy for the Warriors. I
want to bounce back after the disappointment of last
season. Secondly, be part of the World Cup squad that
goes to England at the end of the year. Those are my two
main focuses.
The Warriors opened the pre-season February 9th vs.
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JUNICA
Junica (Nik Brinkman) has been firmly cemented in the New Zealand music scene
as a talented composer with a reputation for balancing heartfelt emotion and
technically proficient musicianship. With the recent release of his critically
approved album Celebration, fans were treated to Nik’s first solo endeavour.
Elizabeth Beattie chatted to him about his music and plans for the future.
Nik Brinkman first “made a connection to music” at
11 years old. His musical appreciation stemmed from
his parents’ record collection before he discovered music
was a way in which he could express himself at a young
age. Years later, Nik is still just as connected to music.
He “makes music every day” and views that process
as “a form of therapy”. His most well-known song is
perhaps his 2011 hit, Living in my House ft. Pip Brown
(Ladyhawke) which was No. 1 on the New Zealand Top
40.
His music is about breaking the mundanity of life.
“It’s just day-to-day things, relationships, dealing with
the routine, and how to make life interesting, that’s why
I do music – (to) try to express myself in other ways,” he
says. “Music has always been the most natural thing to
do that for me.”
In his music this struggle between the abstract
emotional centre of his songs verses the wellconstructed, perfectly contained pop melodies are
what makes him individual, and songs like And it hurts
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encase this dynamic perfectly.
“I always do the music first and leave the lyrics and
melodies to the end. I never start with a theme. It’s
purely based on the song and how it resonates with me.
The biggest rush comes when you’ve been working on
something for a few hours and it all comes together.
“The other thing I like about music is that it lasts
forever. Once you record something it’s set in print
forever – you can make it public or you can hide it.
Another thing I like about it is it documents a certain
time in your life, just like a photograph or a painting.”
Celebration documents a number of different
experiences for Nik, including travel, and collaboration.
“I went and did a bunch of songs with people in LA,
Stockholm and London and did 20 demos or something
… some of it didn’t work that well because it was a teamup with the wrong style for my music, but overall the
experience was really good. I got a whole bunch of
demos, came back here and put some aside. I did end up
using about four or five for the album. That whole trip
was such a great experience it was good to put them on
the album too.”
In addition to putting together a band for some live
performances and directing a new music video, Nik has
again been collaborating and been creating more music.
“I have been working on a lot more songs. I’ve
actually been working with Peter from [Swedish
indie rock band] Peter, Bjorn and John. He’s helped
me out with some stuff at the moment … He’s really
good and supportive and really good to bounce ideas
off. I just want to keep doing more projects and more
collaborations.”
In the meantime, Nik is happy to stick with Junica:
“I want to evolve the sound for different albums. It does
seem like a good outlet for me. I kinda want it to be
quite diverse too, change with different albums. At this
stage I don’t feel like changing again in a hurry.”
Celebration is in stores now.
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FRESH MEAT, RAW TALENT
A B I G A I L L EG G E T
It’s 2013. We did it. Some of us graduated, the world
didn’t end and we finally had a half decent summer. I
look to this year with more zeal than ever, carrying
with me the remnants of significant learning curves
discovered in the past annum and the beautiful
memories of those gone before us in 2012. Felicity
Wren, an extremely talented and gorgeous Massey
photography student, was one of the first people I ever
wrote about in this section and through her passing it
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has helped me realise and further my own stigma of how
important it is to appreciate our peers and give kudos
where kudos is deserved. It gives me even more drive
to go out there and meet those students who need to
be exposed for their talents, so Fliss, this column is for
you now. Onwards and upwards, this next year should
reveal a flurry of new talent to show for this section.
Enjoy brothers and sisters.
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JOEL FEAR
It’s official, The Fear is here. I’m a sucker for Joel’s work
to be honest. Its fresh, innovative and a sick way to
immortalise some of the craziest and raddest ongoings
in Wellington’s scene. I first came across Fear’s video
edits through some friends on Facebook and was struck
but the ability that these edits had to make you excited
about art and music in a way that is removed from
static imagery yet integrated at the same time. Living
in Wellington for the past three and a half years, I can
whole-heartedly say that these videos encapsulate what
it is like to be a young kiwi adult living in the eccentric
capital. According to the man himself, he makes “…
little edits based around an event or project from
various artists, musicians, idiots and geniuses...basically
anyone who is motivated and has some interesting/
bizarre ideas.” On previous projects, he’s worked closely
with the dynamic duo Brynn Chadwick and Denelle
Macdonald as well as the highly respectable Andrew
Steel and Shannon Rush. All of which have made for
some insane collaborations of a seriously high calibre. In
terms of influences, Fear lists Harmony Korine (screen
play writer of Kids, 1995 and director of Gummo 1997)
and early Videograss snowboard films as a driving
factor in his work. The medium of video can lead to
some pretty crazy and volatile situations (I’m looking
at you here Kim Kardashian) and Joel can recount
a particular time in the artistic process where things
took a turn for the weird. He was “attempting to film
a shoot for Shannon Rush in the small hours of Sunday
morning on Castle Point Beach. I’m not exactly sure
what happened but I ended up on the other side of the
camera, stark naked with a few others and things got real
weird real quick. The whole weekend was actually pretty
unusual but at the time it was standard practice, good
wholesome fun.” After that, I’m sure there are going to
be plenty more great stories to tell the Grandkids as well
as proving the energy and enthusiasm that can only be
attributed to videographing. Future projects for Joel
include “working on a vid promoting the EP release of a
local Wellington band The New Brides and some supersecret stuff way down the track…”. I can’t hardly wait to
see what this year will bring for the Fear.
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DJANGO UNCHAINED
PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
Once the coolest writer in Hollywood, Quentin
Tarantino seemed to get a little flabby around the edges
after Kill Bill, losing the knack for slick dialogue and the
brilliant use of character that made his earlier films so
addictive. While still indulging in the blatant sampling
of other films, and managing to confuse the past with
pure fantasy, Django Unchained is an incredibly
entertaining film that easily bounces from spaghetti
western to historical drama within the space of a scene.
It’s 1858, and a group of slaves is interrupted by one Dr.
King Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a German dentist and
bounty hunter on the trail of the Brittle brothers. One
of the slaves, Django ( Jamie Foxx), reluctantly admits
that he knows the men, and after an altercation with
his keepers, is freed by Schultz. The two men form a
bond and soon Django is helping Schultz take out his
duties while being trained as a gunfighter, tracker and
gentlemen. Eventually they are led to brutal plantation
owner Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), who holds
Django’s wife Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), and
show interest in Candie’s Mandingo fighting trade as
a disguise to win her back at any cost. Candie’s sadistic
and loyal house slave, Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson),
suspects the men aren’t what they seem, bringing about
a climax as over the top as you’d expect from a Tarantino
film.
The ensemble cast, and in particular the class of
DiCaprio and Waltz help the film remain incredibly
tense and thrilling even in the most absurd moments.
Dr. Schultz is in many ways a contrived character, yet
Waltz brings an authenticity to the role, allowing his
‘buddy’ relationship with Django to stay believable
and entertaining. It is also great to see DiCaprio in a
supporting role, given the freedom to indulge in a little
overacting, and bringing the malevolent yet charming,
Calvin Candie to the screen with some flair. If anything
the character of Django is a little underwritten, yet Foxx
does all he can with the role, and in the end it is this
understatement that allows the final scenes to function,
as Django gets his revenge.
The real star of the show here though is Tarantino
- whose only crime is to cast himself - and the sheer
energy he brings to the screen. It’s like watching a bunch
of tremendously entertaining ‘B’ movie scripts thrown
in the blender to create one epic freak out. The violence
is intense, some of the ideas even more so, and around
every corner lays a new plot strain or character, recalling
the set pieces of Sergio Leone, and the emotional realism
of William Faulkner’s writing. Django Unchained is
thrill ride from start to finish, a crowd favourite that
deserves to be, and easily the best film Tarantino has
made in the last decade.
DJANGO UNCHAINED ( 2012 )
4/5
Director Quentin Tarantino
Starring Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz,
Leonardo DiCaprio, and Samuel L. Jackson.
BLUE VALEntine
E l i z a b e t h B E ATI E
BLUE VALENTINE ( 2010 )
4.9/5
Director Derek Cianfrance
Starring Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams
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When Dean (Gosling) pulls out his ukulele and
serenades high-school sweetheart Cindy (Williams)
with the song “You always hurt the one you love” he is
unknowingly predicting the couple’s future dynamic.
Blue Valentine portrays Cindy and Dean, a couple who
passionately fall in love and equally as passionately fall
out of love. Cindy has never experienced love before
and seems destined for a lifetime of deadbeat partners
until she meets Dean who crowbars his way into her
life, battling her shyness and cynicism with romance
and light-heartedness. The pair’s differences seem
unimportant until more complex events unfold, leaving
an impact on their relationship forever.
In this love story, spanning years, Blue Valentine
captures the intimate realities of a couple’s personal
experience falling in love and documents their evolving
selves without being preachy or feeling like a “cautionary
tale.”
Director Derek Cianfrance balances raw emotional
passages with light-hearted moments of sweetness which
highlights the natural chemistry between Gosling and
Williams. The acting is utterly superb, not overplayed,
and both actors disappear into their roles completely
giving authenticity to the intense and complex love
story. The flashbacks and flash forwards of Cindy and
Dean’s relationship of past to future serve as a poignant
reminder to the audience that seemingly nothing truly
good lasts forever. Blue Valentine intrinsically paints
on both the beauty and the pain that lovers endure for
their happiness and mirrors the relatable complications
in everyday real life.
This film is a tug of war expression of raw emotion, light
hearted flourishes and heart-breaking realisations. The
film is equally depressing and romantic. Documentary
style, nostalgic and filmic, Blue Valentine is an honest
life journey following one couple. Blue Valentine offers
no simple solution, it only tells a truthful, meaningful
story that leads the viewer to draw their own conclusions
and ponder the concept of a “happily ever after.”
59
I THINK SHE LIKES MY PINGING
ASK A GURU
This is where all the juicy shit is. Each month we
will answer your questions via Formspring.me/
massiveguruz
Kia ora and hurro to all my fellow humans, I
am Claydan Krivan-Mutu, columnist and Guru for
MASSIVE. This column that I write for hopefully
fulfils your needs and pleases you both emotionally
and physically. Here’s a short little blurb about
me, which I hope you take the time to read, cause
I am going to be your next Prime Minister baby,
and don’t worry, I won’t fuck up this country like
the current governing party (sorry to the people
who like National). I am from Masterton, a small
hillbilly hick town an hour away from Wellington
(I recommend going there if you feel the need to get
stabbed), and I currently go to Massey Wellington
in my final year of a Communications degree. I like
a good coffee and pretty girls.
Che Che, Claydan. xoxo
Q: Guru! I hope your holidays went well. Over the
break I met a girl at RnV. I met her on the NYE, and
we danced the night away. Then she came back to my
tent and we had sex. Amazing drunk sex. Afterwards,
I got her number and we parted ways in the morning.
Everyday since we have been texting, and it just so
happens she lives in the same area that I do. It’s getting
a little serious now and I want to make it official – how
do I do this?
A: Kia ora! I hope your holidays went well too. That’s
great that you got some at RnV (obviously grinding and
pinging attracts the ladies aye ;-). Kidding, don’t do
drugs). First things first, let’s explore the meaning of a
relationship. A relationship is a commitment between
two people, a verbal agreement to remain monogamous
or, in other words, to only have sexual relations with
said person. So by entering into a relationship, you have
to abide by that rule, so no sexing other girls. If you are
willing to forfeit that – then you my friend, are ready for
the relationship.
Secondly, finding the right time and place. It’s all about
when you do it. I asked my girlfriend out while lying in
bed early in the morning. We were being cute and shit,
and guru and girlfriend woke up at the same time. I
looked in her eyes, she looked in mine, and I said, “Will
you be my girlfriend?” That’s far cuter and more likely
to score you more brownie points than, “Hey girl, will
you be my bitch?” or “Fly hunnay, you be my girl now
shawty”. Unless you know she is a straight up thug, in
which case: go hard. So you can be extravagant and pop
the question while fine dining at Logan Brown, you can
ask her while you’re drunk and dry humping the shit out
of her on the dance floor, or you can ask her while on
a leisurely stroll – just whatever you do, don’t ask her
through the cyber world; you aren’t 12 anymore.
Thirdly, enjoy the relationship. Every moment you are
with your partner brings you a moment closer to love
(so corny and cringe-worthy I know, but #YOLO).
Remember, safe sex is good sex (a condom does
desensitise your willy, but a STI can make your willy fall
off – you choose).
Wanting more of a Guru fix?
Questions are answered weekly and will be
posted to MASSIVE magazine’s Facebook page :
facebook.com/MASSIVE.magazine
Massive Columns
60
SUPER BOWL TRAILERS, TIME TRAVEL and oscar hopefuls
F i l m C o lu m n – PAUL B E R R IN GTON
Almost bigger than the actual game, Super Bowl’s
half-time entertainment features live performances,
expensive commercials, and movie trailers for the next
crop of blockbuster entertainment. Super Bowl XLVII
proved no different with a comeback performance from
recently scorned Beyonce, alongside advertisements
with movie-sized budgets, and trailers for the likes of
Star Trek - Into Darkness, Iron Man 3, and World War Z.
Brad Pitt stars as Gerry Lane, a U.N. employee who must
save the world from the latest zombie franchise, World
War Z, which is directed by Marc Forster (Quantum of
Solace). The trailer, while brief, displays the sort of epic
scale and dialogue – “China’s been taken over” – which
is bound to get fanboys excited. But I have to admit
that the thought of fast zombies and an earnest central
performance by Pitt has me more than a little sceptical.
Both the latest Star Trek and Iron Man instalments
look a lot better, with the latter providing a thrilling
new scene involving John Stark saving passengers falling
from an airliner, and Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock
Holmes) looking set to be a formidable enemy to both
the USS Enterprise, and Captain James T. Kirk and co.
Christopher Nolan looks to have decided upon his next
project, following on from mega-hit, The Dark Knight
Rises, he and brother, Jonathan, are collaborating scifi epic Interstellar. The film was originally going to be
directed by Steven Spielberg, before he moved onto
Robopocalypse – surely they’ll rethink the title of this!?!
The plot involves time travel, and theoretical physics,
making it easy to see why the Nolan’s were attracted to
it. Starring Anne Hathaway and Chris Pine, this one
is still in the early stages, but let’s hope it end up more
like the Dark Knight than overwrought mess that was
Inception.
The Oscars have become more and more commercial
every year since the first awards in 1929, and now stand
as much for profit-making as they do artistic merit.
The expansion of the amount nominations in the best
picture category in 2009 has allowed for some unlikely
entries in recent years, and the likes of Amour, Beasts
of the Southern Wild and even Quentin Tarantino’s
crowd favourite, Django Unchained, are likely to simply
make up the numbers yet again. Predictably, Argo and
Lincoln are clear favourites, but some on the rumour
mill have been suggesting Ang Lee’s Life of Pi, could be
a dark horse, and certainly looks a decent chance at the
best director gong. Jessica Chastain’s naturalistic turn
in Zero Dark Thirty deserves the best actress award,
but she faces a stiff challenge from Jennifer Lawrence,
while there is little doubt about who’ll receive the Oscar
for best actor, with Daniel Day-Lewis pretty much
guaranteed his third Academy Award. Seth McFarlane
seems completely inappropriate when considering
the stale humour usually delivered by the likes of Billy
Crystal - which could make for both an extremely funny
and no doubt offensive ceremony.
when game ideas are anything but.
from the minds of the developers and instead become
an amorphous blob designed for mass appeal? This is a
problem that has plagued Minecraft, a game with a very
vocal audience of thirteen year olds. It has gotten to the
stage where the developers, Mojang, can no longer make
any significant changes without the tween boys rioting.
Kickstarted games have a similar problem. Gamers that
follow a game from its early stages of development, as
was possible with Minecraft, feel a certain sense of
ownership over the game. This can hinder developers
wanting to make changes, as angering their community
is the last thing they want to do.
KICKSTOPPERS
G a m i n g – C a l lu m o ’ n e i l l
Kickstarter took the gaming world by storm last year.
The idea was for consumers to shove their fistfuls of cash
directly towards developers making games that would
never get off the ground if funded traditionally. Lately,
it has become a bit of a toxic dump full of discarded,
pus-bubbling limbs for game ideas and rotten excuses to
get a little bit of extra money.
Kickstarter was always a shifty thing - pledging money
towards something that may not even become an actual
thing always seemed dodgy to me and with games it’s
even worse. The typical dev cycle of a game is longer
than two years from conception to completion. By the
time games reach the end of the cycle, they become
radically different products from the ideas initially
pitched. Budgets run thin, compromises need to be
made, and features chopped entirely in order to get
games out the door. This is why Kickstarter rubs me the
wrong way; you’re paying money to support a rigid idea,
Massivemagazine.org.nz
What’s to say games that are backed even ship at all?
$1.1 million US dollars may sound like a lot of money,
but in game development it’s hardly anything. That’s
enough money to keep a small developer chugging
for six months. The first really big Kickstarter success
story, the ‘Double Fine Adventure,’ wound up getting
3.36 million US dollars pledged towards it. However
even with that much larger than anticipated budget,
according to the latest episode of their documentary,
Double Fine’s wallet is beginning to wear thin and the
game doesn’t seem anywhere near completion.
Another problem plaguing kickstarted games is their
communities. Asking a community for their input in
certain aspects of the game is a noble gesture, however
it undermines the artistic integrity of the entire game.
At what point does the game cease to be a creation
Like them or not, kickstarted games are here to stay;
these are just a handful of problems that have popped
up over the past year. We need to get smarter with our
wallets and think before telling the developer to “Shut
up and take my money!”
61
THE CULINARY ADVENTURES OF BILLY BUNFINGERS
B I L LY B U N F I N G E R S
I arrive to my latest assignment sweaty, irritated, and
mildly horny. Just hours earlier I had been officially
appointed as MASSIVE’s chief suburban bakery
correspondent after I was discovered crawling through
the industrial sized trash heap outside the student’s
association building. After failing my Health Sciences
degree within the opening seconds of the first class, I
thought my illustrious career in cuisineicism was over.
I mean, suburban bakeries are my only solace from the
vile, spitting masses, who have called animal control on
me dozens of times in the past week. I sincerely hope
my thoughtful, critically nuanced analyses of New
Zealand’s finest suburban bakery related cuisine will
deliver a monthly bukkake of pleasure for the readers
of MASSIVE, as I navel-gaze through my psycho-sexual
addiction to the immense splendours of immaculately
crafted bakery food.
So I arrive, flustered and aroused, to this suburban
bakery. What do I see? Do. Nut. Donut. What a
glorious word! From afar it veers perilously close to
‘do not’, but oh how it screams DO! DO! when my
soft jowls envelop its heavenly contours. Strike me
down Lord, how can a petite sphere of ecstasy embrace
the delights of the cosmos, the infinities of taste and
comfort and delight encoded in every grain of sugar,
every molecule, every atom! Donut, how I love thee you have rescued me from the shrieking abyss of hunger
and longing, pulled me up with the firm grasp of your
doughy hand and wrapped me in the warmth of your
tender embrace. The question of the ages, “Is it better
to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?” has
finally been answered with a heroic, triumphant YES!,
goddammit YES, YES, YES!, I scream.
My swollen heart, clogged with a lifetime of culinary
victories, a veritable orgy of sugar and cream and custard,
kneels before you with an abyssopelagic humbleness,
begging you to grace its valves with the heraldry of your
celestial touch! But oh my, the parade of pleasure has
only just begun. A layer of whipped cream, that holy
trinity of butterfat, air and the instrument of pleasure
known as a whisk, shares with me a knowing glance as
my teeth gnash towards it with a violent, thunderous
conviction. The thick, white liquid dances through
my teeth and down my welcoming throat and my eyes
roll back as a guttural cry departs my body. I have
been seized by a higher power, my body delirious with
delight! The urge to weep, to fall down and weep at the
beauty of it all is inhumanly strong, only obstructed by
the rolls of fat that have swallowed my tear ducts like
I swallow this donut now - uniting us for eternity in
this heinous, vicious world, surrounded by our bubble
of utopian, corpulent love. Do you hear me, world? I
will transcend above you, rise into the stars and seize my
eternal throne, for I have finally grasped in my warm,
chubby hand the impossible quality that humanity
has strived for millennia to achieve - absolute, true,
unconditional love!
Donut : 3 stars
BEAUTY ON THE CHEAP
TA R A M A S C A R A
Having a bad skin day and can’t afford Clearasil with
your stingy student finances? Never fear because Beauty
Guru is here!
Over the summer holidays, I decided I wanted to go
make up free. This was a huge challenge for me as one;
leaving the house without makeup is unheard of. Two;
without foundation my skin appeared blotchy and
downright gross. Three; my face was a different colour
to the rest of my body…a disgusting ghostly white! And
four; as sad as it is, make up makes me feel better (sigh).
So I decided that I would embark on a wee adventure
given that most days in summer are spent at the beach
trying your best to seem like a natural flawless beauty
who wouldn’t dare wear makeup! (I did).
However I was faced with a dilemma…being a broke
ass student I couldn’t afford treatments, facials or those
silly expensive products. A beautician friend told me
that my skin needed microdermabrasion – which costs
hundreds depending on how many treatments you
need. That was clearly out of the question. So she told
me to try a at home recipe - baking soda mixed with
water creating a paste which is then used to exfoliate by
rubbing in circular motions. I used the mixture on my
face daily and in the space of just one week I saw a huge
change.
For one, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t look so
bad. My skin had become brighter and dramatically
smoother, it was soft and breakouts were at zero – I
looked healthier and fresh without makeup. The baking
soda itself was in mum’s pantry at home so I didn’t spend
a cent on this beauty regime! So go on, try it – you may
be surprised at how well it works for you and for some
of you, well you are probably that percentage of girls we
hate because everything about you is so perfect. I now
like to think of myself as a natural woman! Look out for
next issue as I’ll bring you a new tried and trailed cheap
beauty idea to refresh yourself.
Now, it’s over to you! XO
Massive Columns
62
DJANGO UNCHAINED
PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
Once the coolest writer in Hollywood, Quentin
Tarantino seemed to get a little flabby around the edges
after Kill Bill, losing the knack for slick dialogue and the
brilliant use of character that made his earlier films so
addictive. While still indulging in the blatant sampling
of other films, and managing to confuse the past with
pure fantasy, Django Unchained is an incredibly
entertaining film that easily bounces from spaghetti
western to historical drama within the space of a scene.
It’s 1858, and a group of slaves is interrupted by one Dr.
King Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a German dentist and
bounty hunter on the trail of the Brittle brothers. One
of the slaves, Django ( Jamie Foxx), reluctantly admits
that he knows the men, and after an altercation with
his keepers, is freed by Schultz. The two men form a
bond and soon Django is helping Schultz take out his
duties while being trained as a gunfighter, tracker and
gentlemen. Eventually they are led to brutal plantation
owner Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), who holds
Django’s wife Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), and
show interest in Candie’s Mandingo fighting trade as
a disguise to win her back at any cost. Candie’s sadistic
and loyal house slave, Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson),
suspects the men aren’t what they seem, bringing about
a climax as over the top as you’d expect from a Tarantino
film.
LANEWAYS FESTIVAL
SOPHIE FR ANCIS
Laneway Festival on Monday 28 January 2013 was held
at Auckland’s Silo Park. A mostly whole-day festival, it
kicked off at midday until its completion at 10.30pm. A
better day couldn’t have been had, with picture perfect
weather to roll out the summer vibe. Getting through
the gates was a breeze compared to 2013, where an hour
had been spent lining up and waiting in the scorching
sun . Soon after entry the beautiful sounds of Policia
could be heard, but unfortunately due to the standard
admin one must complete when arriving at a festival;
Massivemagazine.org.nz
The ensemble cast, and in particular the class of
DiCaprio and Waltz help the film remain incredibly
tense and thrilling even in the most absurd moments.
Dr. Schultz is in many ways a contrived character, yet
Waltz brings an authenticity to the role, allowing his
‘buddy’ relationship with Django to stay believable
and entertaining. It is also great to see DiCaprio in a
supporting role, given the freedom to indulge in a little
overacting, and bringing the malevolent yet charming,
Calvin Candie to the screen with some flair. If anything
the character of Django is a little underwritten, yet Foxx
does all he can with the role, and in the end it is this
understatement that allows the final scenes to function,
as Django gets his revenge.
The real star of the show here though is Tarantino
- whose only crime is to cast himself - and the sheer
energy he brings to the screen. It’s like watching a bunch
of tremendously entertaining ‘B’ movie scripts thrown
in the blender to create one epic freak out. The violence
is intense, some of the ideas even more so, and around
every corner lays a new plot strain or character, recalling
the set pieces of Sergio Leone, and the emotional realism
of William Faulkner’s writing. Django Unchained is
thrill ride from start to finish, a crowd favourite that
deserves to be, and easily the best film Tarantino has
made in the last decade.
going to the toilet, lining up to get a coupon to buy a
drink, having a quick look through the markets etc. I
didn’t get to see Policia’s set.
Laneway Festival was bigger than past year. Attendance
was at 6000 compared to 5000 in 2012, but it felt like
more in the blistering heat. Luckily, there was also
considerably more shade this year to shelter. The music
for the day really started with Of Monsters & Men, who
played a really powerful set in the blazing sun on the
main Mysterex Stage.
Alt-J came on a bit later and delivered an amazing live
show. They played most of their tunes off their debut
album An Awesome Wave and really showed why
they are one of the most unique bands of recent times,
being described by a few critics as the next Radiohead.
Their incredible sound resonated from the stage and
the crowds love was apparent when they sung their
hits ‘Breezeblocks’ and ‘Fitzpleasure’. Shortly after
Alt-J finished, there was a bit of an issue with the bars
running out of beers and cider. This then eventuated
to only bourbon sales, to running out of alcohol
completely. It was ridiculous & pretty embarrassing
for the organisers & frustrating for us attendees. It
was a H2O affair after that. The food options (pizza,
hotdogs, Thai and Turkish) were extremely varietal and
were a real highlight of the festival. Back into the music
and next up was Flume who were playing in the same
spot as SBTRKT last year, the playground stage at the
DJANGO UNCHAINED ( 2012 )
4/5
Director Quentin Tarantino
Starring Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz,
Leonardo DiCaprio, and Samuel L. Jackson.
very back of the festival. SBTRKT were a standout last
year, so there were high hopes for Flume to replicate
that memory. Flume delivers the kind of music expected
from a seasoned music professional, not a 22 year old
newbie from Australia. His electronic sound mixed with
hip hop with a range of different vocalists creates a dance
floor that you want to be a part of. Half way through
his set the sun began to set behind the stage, which was
visually incredible to be a part of. It’s safe to say he didn’t
disappoint. The headline of the festival, Tame Impala’s
psychedelic rock sound reminded us all why we brought
our tickets. Jay Watson on drums was the standout with
his intense solos which seemed to be the centre of the
band’s performance, which really showcased his talent.
“Half Glass Full of Wine” was a highlight of their set.
Nicolas Jaar ended the night with his electronic, deep
house sound which included a live saxophonist &
drummer. It was a good way to end the day with his
changeup of slow then fast beats, although his downbeat
music was a bit too heavy for the crowd at times.
Nevertheless, you can’t deny his talent at using a bunch
of different sounds to create music that delivers with
intensity. Laneway 2013 - apart from the lack of alcohol
after 6pm, I give you a tu meke & a thumbs up. It’s the
kind of festival where you know you’re in the presence
of watching the next big thing in music and that’s not
something to take for granted.
63
THE MASTER
C H A R L I E M I TC H E L L
Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master is one of the
most confounding, mysterious films to have emerged
from the Hollywood machine in the past 12 months.
It concerns Freddie ( Joaquin Phoenix), a withdrawn,
impulsively violent ex-Navy soldier who finds himself
drawn to the charismatic charms of Lancaster Dodd
(Phillip Seymour Hoffman), the extremely convincing
leader of a new age semi-cult transparently inspired
by Scientology. The two become inextricably attached
as Dodd’s cult, ‘The Cause’, gains momentum, and
further pulls Freddie into its bizarre web of Freudian
psychotherapy and sci-fi escapism.
THE MASTER (2012)
4.5/5
Director Derek Cianfrance
Starring Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams
The details of the plot, however, aren’t particularly
important. At times it doesn’t appear to have a plot
at all, drifting between disconnected moments with
a virtual shrug of its shoulders. Despite its heavily
charged, potentially lawsuit-like premise, The
Master doesn’t assert a moral position on any of its
inflammatory themes, instead pondering them from a
considerable distance. This rampant non-commitment
to the shady goings on is an essential part of the film’s
overall ethos; it’s like a cinematic Rube-Goldberg
machine, slowly knocking down the conventions of
Hollywood cinema by refusing to lead the viewer down
a particular trail of thought, or to use the structural
qualities of cinema to contrive an argument. It could
be called a ‘hang out’ movie - you’re free to take it all
in, look around a bit, put the various pieces together
and make whatever conclusion you want, because the
film’s ideas are not prescriptive, thus allowing a liberal
range of interpretation. This is crucially aided by the
breathtaking, immersive clarity of the images (which
were shot on 65mm film, providing greater detail than
the standard 35mm), which grace the screen with an
overwhelming flourish of colours and simple, elegant
camera movements. Each shot is immaculately staged
and designed - you could take any frame from this film,
put a nice border around it, and toss it onto your wall.
The performances by Joaquin Phoenix, who is quickly
proving himself to be this generation’s go-to actor for
any character that can reasonably be described as a ‘hot
mess’, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman (this generation’s
go-to actor for basically anything else) are absolutely
fundamental to The Master’s quiet but brutal potency.
They are the reason it can get away with its lack of plot
and its ideological idleness. The monstrous depths
of their characters, which go largely unprodded by
the narrative itself, are quietly brought to the surface
through the nuances of their performances. No film in
recent memory befits the term ‘character study’ than
this one - Anderson uses the plot to push the two leads
together, and they do the rest.
The Master is an extremely difficult film to describe,
because its pleasures are largely located in the things
it doesn’t do. It’s this big, sprawling, lumbering thing,
completely floaty and aimless, but it holds a potent,
volcanic emotion at its core that Anderson wisely
observes from a distance. For all of its structural
radicalism, there is something acutely relatable about
The Master; it shows deeply damaged people grappling
with their worst impulses, emotions that are realised
with incredible intensity. It’s probably the most difficult
film Hollywood will produce all year, but it’s also likely
the best one.
BLUE VALEntine
E l i z a b e t h B E ATI E
BLUE VALENTINE ( 2010 )
4.5/5
Director Derek Cianfrance
Starring Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams
When Dean (Gosling) pulls out his ukulele and
serenades high-school sweetheart Cindy (Williams)
with the song “You always hurt the one you love” he is
unknowingly predicting the couple’s future dynamic.
Blue Valentine portrays Cindy and Dean, a couple who
passionately fall in love and equally as passionately fall
out of love. Cindy has never experienced love before
and seems destined for a lifetime of deadbeat partners
until she meets Dean who crowbars his way into her
life, battling her shyness and cynicism with romance
and light-heartedness. The pair’s differences seem
unimportant until more complex events unfold, leaving
an impact on their relationship forever.
In this love story, spanning years, Blue Valentine
captures the intimate realities of a couple’s personal
experience falling in love and documents their evolving
selves without being preachy or feeling like a “cautionary
tale.”
Director Derek Cianfrance balances raw emotional
passages with light-hearted moments of sweetness
which highlights the natural chemistry between
Gosling and Williams. The acting is utterly superb,
not overplayed, and both actors disappear into their
roles completely giving authenticity to the intense and
complex love story.
This film is a tug of war expression of raw emotion, light
hearted flourishes and heart-breaking realisations. The
film is equally depressing and romantic. Documentary
style, nostalgic and filmic, Blue Valentine is an honest
life journey following one couple. Blue Valentine offers
no simple solution, it only tells a truthful, meaningful
story that leads the viewer to draw their own conclusions
and ponder the concept of a “happily ever after.”
Massive REVIEWS
64
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