Be Our Guest.indd - The Amish Outlaws

Photo by John Duffy
Frequent Amish Questions (F.A.Q)
Are you really Amish?
We’re half Amish. Just the good half.
What’s with the outfit?
Ever see the movie The Fly? The re-make with Jeff
Goldblum, which was perfect casting by the way...
he already looks like a bug. It was one of the first
movies I saw when I snuck out at 12 years old as a
double-feature with Aliens. Can you imagine the
nightmares I had? Anyway, in The Fly, his character
has a closet full of the same clothes so he doesn’t
have to think about what to wear. Really, that’s what
the outfit is about. We’re lazy. Besides, tell me who
looks more ridiculous? Wait, don’t answer that.
Can you drink?
Obviously, yes. If we
couldn’t, we would
either be dead from
dehydration, or have
to walk around with
an IV providing us
with the necessary
fluids to survive.
Can I wear your
hat?
I suppose, hypothetically, you could, but I’d really
prefer that you didn’t. I understand, it is a nice
hat, but imagine if you were wearing a hat right
now and someone you don’t know walked up and
asked you to wear it. What would you say? Plus, I
sweat in that hat for four hours a night, three or
four nights a week, sometimes without a shower.
Do you really want the scabies?
Can you play “Crazy Bitch?”
We probably could, but we don’t. There’s nothing
wrong with that song. It’s a great song, actually,
and lots of bands play it and do it really well, but we
never learned how to play it. You offering to sing it
does not help. It’s like if I was to ask you to speak
French (if you don’t know how). You can’t, right?
Having heard people speak French doesn’t make
you able to speak it any more than us having heard
“Crazy Bitch” 20,000 times makes us able to play it.
Plus, in all the years since that song came out, I only
remember one guy asking to hear it. The rest of the
time, it’s been women. Have you ladies listened to
the lyrics in that song?? Is that really a concept you
want propagated? Shouldn’t you be asking us to
play, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers?” We’d love to
BE OUR GUEST
Eazy
Ezekiel
20
do the Neil
Diamond,
Hot August
Night
2
version of
that.
Do
you
g u y s
make any
original
m u s i c
or
ever
intend to
become a band with original music?
That depends on what you consider to be “music.” We have
written two original songs in this band. We don’t perform
them though. BDA still does some original music, but as for
the stuff we wrote over the years, if we did play them out,
the reason we don’t would be very evident. No plans to go
original now… but you never know what might happen.
Especially when it comes to bingo,
playing “bags,” and Secret Santa.
Do you get tired of being on the
road?
No, not unless there is traffic. We love
being on the road, eating barbecue,
and taking naps. We are lucky. We’re a
cover band, for Pete’s sake, and we get
to play music for a living. Meanwhile,
there are so many other bands out
there, so much better than us that are
struggling and have been for years.
Take a band like Fishbone. They are probably the greatest
band ever, anywhere, and they’re still doing shows
wherever they can and never got the credit they deserve.
Meanwhile, No Doubt made millions. Nothing against No
Doubt, but listen to them and then listen to Fishbone and
you’ll see what I am taking about. Our illustrious editor,
Dan Lorenzo, is another example. No offense, Dan, but
you should be writing riffs for a living, not selling ads. I’m
not kissing aarschbacke here, I was already asked to do
this column long before I wrote it, but unfortunately music
isn’t something 99.999999% of people that love it and
excel at it can make a living doing. So, the short answer
to this question (after already giving you
the long one) is no, we don’t get tired of
it. We’re thankful for every second
because so many people so much
better than us don’t get the privilege
of playing for good folks like you that
make it possible.
Thanks for reading. Come see us,
we’re easy to find!
Gott segen eich!
Ezekiel The Amish Outlaws
www.amishoutlaws.com
Photo by Laurel Schrock
I’m Ezekiel, and I play in a cover band called The
Amish Outlaws. Doing what we do, and dressing
the way we dress, we get asked a lot of questions.
Here are some of the most common ones, with
answers.