32 - Valley Planet

Transcription

32 - Valley Planet

THE VALLEY
VALLEY PLANET,
PLANET,INC.
INC.
THE
VOLUME 2,
2,ISSUE
ISSUE 23
23
VOLUME
#122304011905
#122304011905
READ THE
THE PLANET,
PLANET,IT’S
IT’S FREE!
FREE!
READ
WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM
DECEMBER 23
23 -- JANUARY
JANUARY 19,
19, 2004
2004
DECEMBER
Things That Make You
Go, Hmmmmm
Page 2
Liquid
Meat
Page 8
Page 8
The Robin and
the
Frog
Page 9
Page 9
VOTE!
Party of One
Adventures of
a Yankee Down
South
Calendar
News of the
Weird
Letters to the
Planet
Underground
Sounds
Happy
NEW YEAR!
I still can’t believe it. The Library!
Unbelieveable.
P.O.Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759, phone 256.858.6736
Publisher
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Arts & Entertainment Editor
Jennifer H. Daniel
Managing Editor
Lucia Cape
Assisting Editor
Tammy Westmoreland
General Manager
Cherié Lamb
Sales & Marketing
Matt Wake
Distribution Manager
Charlotte Griffin
Valley Planet Stylist
Susan Roney
Contributors
Dr. Anarcho,
Jeremy L. Anderson,
Karen Bertiger,
Jennifer H. Daniel,
Jason Evans, Matt Foy,
Allison Gregg, Steve Moulton,
Ricky Thomason, Matt Wake
The Valley Planet is printed for you by the good
folks at Pulaski Web
in beautiful & sunny Pulaski, Tennessee.
Thank you for reading the fine print of the VALLEY
PLANET. The VALLEY PLANET and valleyplanet.com
are published twice monthly by VALLEY PLANET INC.
P.O.Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759. Subscriptions
are available for $52 per year, but you can pick up the
paper free all over the place or get it free on the web.
One copy per person please; don’t waste trees. Copyright 2003 by the VALLEY PLANET, INC. All rights
reserved. Reproduction or use without our permission
is strictly prohibited. The views and opinions expressed
within these pages and on the web site are not necessarily those of VALLEY PLANET, INC. or its staff. The
VALLEY PLANET is not responsible for unsolicited
manuscripts or art. Back issues, when we have some,
are available for $2 each. Please send requests by email
[email protected], or mail Valley Planet, P.O.Box
335, Meridianville, AL, 35759, or call
256.858.6736
The Main Library kicked us out because we mentioned homosexuality.
This issue finishes the first full year of
publishing Valley Planet. So much has
happened this year, I don’t know where
to start. So, I’ll start by wishing everyone
a happy holiday season. I hope you and
yours had a wonderful year and that 2005
will be even better.
2004 was a big year for us at the Valley
Planet. If you’ll look at the column to
your left, you’ll notice that we’ve added
and subtracted a few people over the year.
We miss the people that are no longer
actively working for the Planet, and we
are very happy with the new ones.
The rest of this issue’s column was going
to be about thanking the readers, writers
and advertisers who have made 2004
such a rewarding year for everyone at
Valley Planet. But, because of a situation
with our main library, I have decided to
shorten my column to make room for an
important article printed just below this
one.
Between 100 and 300 papers are picked
up at the main library every issue. I asked
just how many complaints there have
been. I could not get an answer. I asked
exactly what content was so bad, thinking
maybe, if it wasn’t too big a deal, I could
promise it would never appear in the
Planet again. I still couldn’t get an answer.
After several phone calls and several very
one-sided conversations refusing to give
me any details as to why our content
was suddenly so offensive, I finally got
an answer. The director told me that the
Valley Planet mentions homosexuality,
and they have received complaints.
I become more and more amazed at the
lack of courage in this town every day.
Everybody is scared of everything here.
There is no boogieman here, unless, of
course, you count Microwave Dave. But
that is a whole different boogie.
I would like to know what terrible things
happen when people are allowed to freely
speak their mind. I thought freedom of
speech, freedom of religion and freedom
of thought were the backbone of this
country. I thought our freedoms are what
make us the great country we are today.
Someone is wrong here. Something in
this town has to change.
Unbelieveable.
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Mentioner of Homosexuality
Things That Make You Go, Hmmm…
by Jennifer H. Daniel
A
midst
flurries
surrounding
Alabama State Rep. Gerald Allen’s
proposed gay book banning bill,
the Huntsville-Madison County Public
Library recently requested Valley Planet
newspapers, along with the Valley Planet
stand, be removed from its premises.
Allen’s proposed December bill blocks
the use of state funds to purchase any
textbooks or other materials that accept
the idea of homosexuality. Tennessee
Williams, Truman Capote (I guess just
because he is gay) J.D. Salinger, Georgia
O’Keefe, Valley Planet - you’re out of
here!
Valley Planet publishers and staffers
thought this decision odd because the
Valley Planet is a free publication, and
hundreds of our readers have been
picking up their “Planet” at our main
branch of the Huntsville-Madison County
Public Library for more than a year now.
Our stand at the library is one that we
refill often since the papers disappear
within days of publication. The fact that
our library is refusing a free publication
that readers across the Tennessee Valley
enjoy made us scratch our heads in
amazement. After all, our library’s
book selection guidelines offered on the
policies section of the library website
(http://www.hpl.lib.al.us/policies) state
that its sole responsibility is to choose
books and other materials that are of
value and interest to all members of the
community.
From the Book Selection Policy:
“The primary responsibility of public
library service is the selection and
maintenance of the best possible book
collection to meet the interests and
needs of the community. Books and
other materials will be chosen for values
of interest, information, education and
2
I received a call a few weeks ago from the
main branch of the Huntsville-Madison
County Public Library requesting the
immediate removal of the Valley Planet
from its premises. A little surprised, I
asked what the issue with the Valley
Planet was, hoping I could correct the
situation. After all, we have distributed
papers at the main library and still do
at several others across the Tennessee
Valley, for well over a year now.
It was interesting that just the day before
this phone call, it became news that
Alabama State Rep. Gerald Allen had
proposed a state-wide book-banning
bill, targeted at removing all mention of
homosexuality from Alabama’s schools
and libraries.
enlightenment of all the people of the
community. In no case should any book
be excluded because of the race or
nationality or the political or religious
views of the writer.”
Our library also has general guidelines
regarding the removal of material from
its shelves, especially those with cultural,
artistic and newsworthy content:
“There should be the fullest practicable
provision of material presenting all
points of view concerning the problems
and issues of our times - international,
national and local; and books or other
reading matter of sound factual authority
should not be proscribed or removed from
the library shelves because of partisan or
doctrinal disapproval. Censorship of
books, urged or practiced by volunteer
arbiters of morals or political opinion,
or by organizations that would establish
a coercive concept of any issue, must be
challenged by the library in maintenance
of its responsibility to provide public
information and enlightenment through
the printed word.”
That’s where the hmmm… part comes in.
Could this removal request by our
library be one result of Gerald Allen’s
book burying bill? Is the Planet being
persecuted even though we have no
political agenda, yet our public library
does? We asked the library staff several
times to give us specific reasons the
library would no longer make the Planet
available to its patrons. We were told
more than twice that some patrons had
complained about our content, but when
asked what specifically they complained
about, the staff refused to tell the Planet.
I suppose complaints about the Valley
Planet are highly guarded secrets and
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
should not be released to the public,
especially employees of the Valley Planet.
After several attempts at conversations
with the staff at the main library, we were
finally told by Donna Schremser, Director
of our Public Library, that the Valley
Planet has “mentioned homosexuality”
and that several patrons of our library
had complained about the Valley Planet’s
“racy” content.
The Planet publishes what the
community writes, and for more than a
year the Tennessee Valley has embraced
our publication with open arms. We can
understand an individual or business
deciding not to carry our paper because
of content. It’s still a free country (I
think), and business owners may do
as they please. As far as the not-forprofit public library is concerned, the
removal of a community free newspaper
is appalling. For the Planet staff it was
very disheartening to hear that our
public library has no place for our paper
because homosexuality was mentioned in
the pages. We have requested a formal
response from the library but as of this
printing, we have yet to receive any reply
at all.
But hey, this could work out in the end.
With Allen burying all those books
alongside the number of Alabamians with
their heads stuck in the sand, maybe, just
maybe they’ll read a copy of “Angels in
America” while they’re down there. And
then maybe, just maybe, they’ll pop to the
surface for a breath of fresh air.
And while the library is cleaning its
shelves, don’t forget about King James
and his version of the Bible. That Sodom
and Gomorrah story gets pretty sordid
towards the end.
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
In The Planet
THE VALLEY PLANET
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
December 23 - January 19, 2005
NEXT ISSUE JANUARY 20, 2005
The following Table of Contents is made available purely for the enjoyment and education
of our readers. Any rebroadcast or other use of this Table of Contents is strictly prohibited.
Downloading of this table is permissible only with prior written consent of Valley Planet, Inc.
Please enjoy the Valley Planet, but don’t hurt yourself and please drive courteously.
Page 4 contains “Unchained Maladies” by Ricky Thomason and
Boondocks.
Page 5 gives you the 2005 Best of the Valley Readers Poll Ballot.
Page 6 offers “On the Move with the Flying Monkey,” by Jason
Evans.
Page 7 includes “Letters to the Planet,” and “On the Cover: Coffee
with Monet.”
Page 8 continues with “Liquid Meat: It’s for Massage,” by Jeremy L.
Anderson.
Page 9 entertains with “The Robin and the Frog,” by Matt Foy.
Page 10 presents “Tracing the Roots of Hip,” by Jennifer H. Daniel.
Page 11 adds “Adventures of a Yankee Down South: What Will It
Take to Put You in This Car Today?” by Karen Bertiger.
Page 12 reveals “The Word is Out. A Quick Conversation with
Dubconscious,” by Jennifer H. Daniel.
Page 13 begins this issue’s installment of the best calendar in the
Tennessee Valley. Everybody says it, we do it!
Page 16 has “Underground Sounds,” by Matt Wake
Page 19 remembers the history of music with “Dr. Anarcho’s Rx For
Old Stuff That Don’t Suck.”
Page 20 brings you “Party of One: How Not to Have a Relationship,”
by Allison Gregg.
Page 21 exhibits “Look Ma! No Hands! New Chef Brings Fresh Look
to Huntsville,” by Jennifer H. Daniel and Boondocks.
Page 22 gives you “New Formula for Sugar,” by Steve Moulton and
Boondocks.
Page 23 kicks off the listings of local businesses you should frequent.
Page 26 wraps this issue up with “News of the Weird.”
Please proceed with caution. We have received information that the following content
could be construed as racy, and could go so far as to mention homosexuality and the
like. Consider yourself warned.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
3
Well, now. Here comes Santa’s claws,
here comes Santa’s claws, weaving from
lane to lane. Drinking and driving and
whooping it up. Christmas made him
insane.
’twas the night before Christmas
like you would care
I had only asked Santa
to bring me some hair
Rogaine and Viagra – now every time when
I see pretty women, my hair stands on end
Can’t you just hear him? My little ho, ho,
ho, lets see what ol’ Santa has in his bag
for you.
Out on the lawn, my clothes were all
scattered
Where my ex-wife had thrown them, not
that it mattered
An ATM rush procured me some cash
I headed for Jimmy’s to maybe get flashed
After his release on a $25,000 bond, Santa
was rumored to have muttered, “I spend
a whole night freezing my Christmas
balls off, flying around in an open sleigh
dodging blue ice from the reindeer. Does
anyone appreciate that? Noooooo. I only
come once a year. You’d think they’d cut
me a break.”
Off dandruff, on dancer, no wonder I’m
smitten
stuff tips in her G-string — your fingers get
bitten
I fell to my knees — knocked over my beer
I was in love absolutely for the twelfth time
this year
She took all my cash, took my watch and
my car
Then left with her boyfriend — hardee-harhar
I hitch-hiked on home, but before I
departed
My head got all knotty in the fistfight I
started
They heard me exclaim as I was beaten that
night
“I came to get screwed, but this isn’t
right!”
So I sit here hung over, all bloodied and
sore
Resolving this new year to do that no more
Oh, hi there. Good to see you again. I’m
here in front of a cozy, romantic fire,
singing carols, sipping hot chocolate,
wrapping a few presents and generally
enjoying the season, you know?
BOONDOCKS
Right. Like most people — if they’d admit
it — I’d rather have a root canal (sans
anesthesia) than Christmas. But, like it or
not, it’s time to celebrate the birth of the
baby merchant. Given my druthers, I’d
cancel the whole deal for lack of interest.
4
Since the girl’s parents agreed to let
the little nymph accompany him alone
to a nearby town for a performance, he
considered her fair game, a fortuitous
over-the-fence foul ball which landed in
his lap. He might still have resisted if she
hadn’t smelled so strongly of milk and
cookies.
artwork by Debbie West
But no, nationwide, every year, we
participate in the grand illusion, join the
family at dysfunction junction for the
unhappy meal, complete with toys for
the ungrateful little demons from hell
that your sister hatched with the tattooed
wonder — as in “I wonder if he’s ever
going to get a job.” The vegan wants to
hold funerals for the turkey and ham, in
contrast to her sister, who prefers large
hunks of dark meat, like a turkey leg.
The Jewish brother-in-law says the meal
isn’t real. Then he and the Muslim BIL
fight over occupation of the couch after
dinner. Uncle Lush has the mistletoe
on his zipper again, and predictably, by
dinnertime, is ’tater facing.
By golly, it just doesn’t get much better
than this, does it? Let’s not forget that
music. Porky Pig does a killer version
of “I’ll Have a Blue Christmas Without
You” with a kazoo break that has to be
heard to be believed. If only I could hear
“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”
and the dogs barking “Jingle Bells” every
day. Admit it; they’re less irritating than
Michael Bolton, who sounds like all he
wants for Christmas is a good bowel
movement. I’d rather chew on a ball of
tinfoil as hear that boy.
Meanwhile, Zay Harold Jones — a 73year-old Forest City, N.C., Santa Claus
and convicted sex offender — was
arrested Sunday, Dec. 5 and charged
with “taking indecent liberties with an
11-year-old girl who portrayed Santa’s
elf.” He allegedly did this while driving
down the Interstate between Forest City
and Greensboro, N.C.
The ersatz Santa hopes to enlist one of
pop singer Michael Jackson’s high-profile
lawyers in his defense, though his white
beard bristles at comparisons to Jackson,
whom he calls “a real eeeheee-pervert.”
Santa was expected to try and win
sympathy from jurors by telling them that
the reason he took the seasonal job in the
first place was to defray tuition costs at
seminary school, where he is studying to
become a priest. Santa has now changed
his story to, “I was only trying to feel her
stocking.”
From the heart of my bottom, I wish you
a merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, or
Kwanza, or whatever holiday you want
to make up. And I say to myself, “What a
wonderful world.”
Ricky Thomason is a freelance writer from
Huntsville. Email Rick at
[email protected].
Let Ricky know what you think at our forums at
www.valleyplanet.com.
We couldn’t decide which Boondocks to print this time, so you’ll see a couple more Boondocks scattered through this issue. Happy Holidays!
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
It’s finally here: the Second Annual Best of the Valley Readers Poll. You Bet Shiraz, it is! This is your chance to help us let the
people of the Tennessee Valley, and those visiting here, know what you think is the best we have to offer. Please let your voice
be heard. You can pull this sheet out of the Planet, fill out the parts you want to and mail it to us at Best of the Valley 2004, P.O.
Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759 or (much easier for everyone) go vote online at www.valleyplanet.com. Campaign hard.
This ballot will appear in the rest of the 2004 issues of the Planet, and then the Best of the Valley 2004 issue will be published
in January 2005. Remember, you don’t have to fill out everything, just fill out what you want. But whatever you do, VOTE!
ALL BALLOTS MUST BE RECEIVED BY DECEMBER 31, 2004!
DRINK
Best Mexican:
Best Bar Overall:
Best Asian:
Coolest Bar:
Best Italian:
Best Patio:
Best International (other than those listed):
Best Bar That’s Gone (closed 2003-04):
Best Pizza:
Best New Bar (opened 2003-04):
Best Cajun:
Best Bartender:
Best Steak:
Best Place for a Beer:
Best Burger:
Best Place for a Margarita:
Best Wings:
Best Place for a Shot:
Best Deli:
Best Place for a Glass of Wine:
Best Desserts:
SHOPPING
Best Place for a Martini:
Best BBQ:
Best Gallery:
Best Neighborhood Bar:
Best Home Cooking:
Best Antique Shop:
Best Sports Bar:
Best Lunch:
Best Gift Shop:
Best Place to Dance:
Best Sunday Brunch:
Best Wine Shop:
Best First-Date Bar:
Most Romantic:
Best Music Shop:
Best Country Artist(s):
Best Blues Artist(s):
Best Jazz Artist(s):
Best Place for Trivia:
Favorite Local Sports Team:
Best Bowling Alley:
Best Place for Darts:
Best Place for Pool:
LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
& SPORTS
Best Late-Night Bar:
Best Meat Market:
EAT
Best World Music Artist(s):
Best Place to Hear Live Music:
Best Book Store:
Best Video Store:
Best Adult Store:
Best Restaurant Overall:
Best Place for Karaoke:
LIFE
Best Service (restaurant):
Best Karaoke DJ:
Best Park:
Best Fine Dining:
Best Band Overall:
Best Place to Hike:
Best Restaurant That’s Gone (closed 2003-04):
Best Musician Overall:
Best Neighborhood:
Best New Restaurant (opened 2003-04):
Best Female Singer:
Best Reason to Live Here:
Best Coffee House:
Best Male Singer:
Best Publication in the Valley:
Best Breakfast:
(The following categories can be votes for local
single performers or groups)
Best Reason to Read the Valley Planet:
Best Seafood:
Best Rock Artist(s):
Comments:
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
5
by Jason Evans
on Nov. 2: Margaret Marsh and
Santanu Mitra.
Pulling into the parking lot
from Seminole Drive, one
might ponder days past when
Lowe Mill was in the process of
producing textile products. Now
Lowe Mill holds the Flying
Monkey Arts Center. The nonprofit, community-based arts
collective is in the business of
serving up an alternative to the
profit-oriented entertainment
scene in Huntsville.
The tallest objects on sight at Lowe Mill
are the smokestack and water towers,
which add to the airy, unified atmosphere
of the place. Other pieces of atmosphere
include punk rockers sporting Mohawks
and crowds gathered outside discussing
anything from art to politics, especially
on a night that bands are scheduled for
action. Movie night may be more subdued,
with documentary lovers kicked back on
rows of couches substituting for the mass
of seats found in the local theater.
The FMAC is not just about punk
shows and movie nights. Their website,
www.flyingmonkeyarts.org
lists
the following objectives: “[FMAC]
encourages, supports and promotes
events, workshops and studios featuring
but not limited to music, film, theater,
dance, puppetry, visual and performance
arts with a focus on experimental works
for mature audiences. FMAC advocates
innovation and is committed to bringing
to the public eye individual explorations
and collaborations from diverse points
of view.” With a typical admittance fee
of $5, an event at the Flying Monkey is
affordable.
While the location at Lowe Mill wasn’t
permanent at first, now it is. The new
location is much larger and has a more
artistic feel than the previous location.
The door is wheelchair accessible with a
ramp and rails. There is ample standing
room in front of the stage. There are
plenty of comfortable couches and
other seats lining the sides of the room.
While only having one unisex bathroom,
there are locking doors on the stalls that
provide privacy.
They say you can never go home again,
but FMAC feels cozy inside the cavernous
walls of Lowe Mill.
“Our location at Lowe Mill is where we
always wanted to be,” said Catherine
Shearer, founder of FMAC. “Last year
when Jim Hudson used to loan us use of
the space for occasional events, we fell in
love with the building. The Putnam Drive
location was used until the lease was up
and Lowe Mill was finally available as a
permanent location.”
6
Marsh, a regular attendee at the
Flying Monkey, likes the new
location better. She stopped her
in-depth discussion with other
patrons for comment.
“Putnam was sterile, like a Uhaul thing,” Marsh said.
Shearer, who started FMAC in April
2001 as a one-day festival of arts, says
that Huntsville’s 18-35 age group is
the primary target audience for FMAC
events, but in no way would she seek
to limit attendance to those age groups.
According to the 2000 census, the 18-35
age group numbers well over 30,000 in
Huntsville. FMAC seeks the support of
its target audience to keep the Monkey
alive.
Shearer is a jovial woman who is always
up for good conversation about art and her
pet project, the Flying Monkey. Her main
concern is making sure FMAC gets off the
ground and is beneficial to Huntsville’s
arts and entertainment scene.
Mitra, who plays in a local band
called The Rocket Scientists,
likes the ambiance of the new
place more than the old location. He is,
however, “curious about the acoustics.”
Mitra likes how the Flying Monkey
operates, but said that he would like to
see even more live music and good shows
and greater attendance. He also added
that he would like to see more aggressive
promotion and possibly even see street
teams get the word out.
“The all-ages policy could also be taken
advantage of,” Mitra said.
Shearer, who can be seen relaxing with
friends at the Kaffeeklatsch, is also the
owner of NoneSuch gifts. The 5 Points
boutique tries to mix in a little of the
unexpected with more average purchases
that can be found in other shops around
town. However, with FMAC Shearer
seeks to “break with tradition and try
something new.”
“We constantly try to break ground
artistically and build events that are
interesting,” Shearer said.
Many events would have no shot at
Huntsville audiences if not for the FMAC.
Many music venues that formerly catered
to the alternative crowd have faded away,
such as Gorin’s Ice Cream Shop, which
used to host live punk bands and regular
open mic nights. Local coffee shop, Olde
Towne Coffee recently cancelled all future
open-mic nights, and Jamos Café stopped
its open mic nights in the late ‘90s.
“We still struggle to pay the bills on a
monthly basis,” Shearer said. “Shows
truly are the bread and butter of the
organization and help us pay the rent.”
A common phrase in Huntsville is that
there is nothing to do, that Huntsville is a
city made for engineers and families who
have already found something to do with
their lives and don’t care about making
Huntsville a better community for art
and entertainment. Two music lovers who
proved otherwise showed up at FMAC
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
There have been some great standout
events for FMAC in the past. Jonathan
Richman, The Sex Workers Art Show
and “Heads Up Robbie!,” a play written,
directed and starring local artist Matt
Bakula, who helped found the Flying
Monkey.
“I would love to see the Flying Monkey
grow into a true experimental arts center
that has regular hours and is open to the
public with a gallery, films, workshops,
artist studios, performances and more,”
Shearer reflected. “But it will take us
time to get there.”
Alliances with other individuals and
entities in the art community have been
fostered, but there are still dreams the
FMAC want to see become reality.
“My dream gig would be to have The
Residents come and perform,” Shearer
said. “Maybe to have David and Amy
Sedaris come and perform for us; they
are pure genius!”
So, if you’re ever sitting home in
Huntsville saying you’re bored and
have nothing to do, check out the Flying
Monkey schedule of events. You might
just want to pull into the parking lot to
see the water tower and smokestack for
yourself, along with seeing an event that
might just make you change your mind
about Huntsville.
THE VALLEY PLANET
There is nothing more fun for us than getting your letters and
emails. PLEASE keep sending them in. We may not print them
all, but we’ll try. Please send your comments to
[email protected].
Thanks everybody!
Dear Karen,
Your column is among a few of my favorites that I religiously read in the VP. I can’t
say that I especially enjoy any one that you’ve written because they are all equally
unique and have to be appreciated separately. In each, your words ring true and your
honesty is something to be admired. I can only say that you have my best wishes and
I hope to read your column for many more issues to come.
An avid reader and fan,
S.S.
Merry Christmas!
I was thinking about Huntsville after I read your article. I guess I’m one of those
people who want to move someday, but it’s growing on me. I didn’t like living here at
first, but I’ve had some bad luck and I’ve been blaming Huntsville for it. I’ve never felt
that Huntsville was a very friendly place, but slowly, I’m building some kind of a life
here. Maybe it’s because engineers aren’t known for their warmth and hospitality?
It is a bit better than Birmingham (where I’m from) and similar in some ways, too.
I don’t think Alabama has the old South kind of flavor you can find in many other
southern states.
D.R.
Matt,
Wow! Great article! Great to hear B.B. King’s comments on Muddy Waters, Jimi Hendrix, and the Stones’ frontmen. Give Mr. Wake a raise!
Nan-tan-lu-pan
Happy Holidays and keep fighting the good fight.
Thanks,
E.C.
Coffee with Monet, signed print by Dee Burt Holmes
Karen,
Your latest column was positively brilliant – you just keep getting better and better.
Very, very funny.
M.S.
“I have always been interested in printmaking for years because of the variety of
processes available to the artist. It also allows me to make my art more accessible to
collectors. The best reward is when someone can feel an emotion or find pleasure when
viewing my work.”
Thank you so much for having a Valley Planet rack brought to the Drake campus. I’m
really excited to have your publication on our campus. Thanks for publishing such a
needed publication in the Huntsville area!
H.
Dee has prints in the permanent collections of Mid-America Print Council, Huntsville
Hospital and the University of Alabama-Huntsville. Four of her mini-prints were
exhibited in France, England and Spain with Exposicio del MiniPrint International de
Cadaques. Her works are also included in private collections throughout the U.S.A. and
France.
Hi Lucia,
Thank you for the wonderful article on Microwave Dave.
G.T.
And now for a few comments from the 2004 Best of the Valley Reader’s Poll! All
of the following comments are from voters in the “Drink” category. The winners
and complete results will appear in the January 20 issue of the Valley Planet!
Deutsche Kuche has the best German
beer on tap!
She has participated in workshops with nationally recognized artists. During the past
seven years, she has concentrated on printmaking and has established a printmaking
studio in her home.
Dee Burt Holmes’ work may be viewed in Huntsville at Meridian Arts, 3035 Jefferson
Street, (256) 534-7475.
Olde Towne Amber is expensive but
good, hopefully the price will be lower
soon.
For the very BEST combination of drink,
food AND entertainment, you simply
won’t beat The Blue Parrot!
We love Nicole!
Drink more, eat less!
It’s close between George, Brian, Kevin
and Tess.
Try Them All!!!
Apple Martini @ Surin
Coldest beer = The Brick
BEER, GOOD.
What really happened that night at
Vinyl?
I Love Stout!
Friends, Jen, Jeff’s the King and Friends,
everybody sing!
Brian Hamm makes the best screaming
orgasm!
Drinks in Huntsville are pretty steep
compared to other parts of the country.
They are about 1&1/2 times the cost
of drinks in Indianapolis. They need to
come down in cost a bit.
Not enough alcohol in mixed drinks!
I miss the Tavern.
Huntsville needs a smoke-free bar.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
Blake’s are the best!
Warm beer, short skirts = good time!
George at the Chophouse makes the
best Manhattan!
The ‘Klatsch is pretty freakin’ cool.
Olde Towne at Humphrey’s Rocks.
Try the Port of Madison and be VERY
surprised!
Remember kids, pinata’s are flamable.
Only you can prevent pinata fires.
no comment
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
7
by Jeremy L. Anderson
It’s for “Massage”
Because of the flying fickle finger of
fate, I’ve recently been blessed with an
extended houseguest: my 13-year-old
niece. Despite the fact that I love my
family, I’m one of those people who
prefers not to be particularly close to
them, primarily because learning too
much about any of them typically turns
into “Hee-Haw” meets “The Twilight
Zone.” So, in a way, I was looking
forward to spending more time with the
girl. In another way, I was deathly afraid
that she would say something that would
permanently alter the pristine image of
childish innocence I had ascribed to her.
It didn’t take long for the train ride of
familial glee to end.
It was a perfect evening. I came home
from work, we baked cookies and sat
down to watch a movie. And then she said
it: “I can’t go to sleep without talking to
my boyfriend.” Boyfriend? The brakes on
the crazy train began to lightly squeal, but
I was still on track.
“Oh, you have a boyfriend? Well, won’t
you just see him tomorrow at school?”
“He doesn’t go to my school. He’s in
high school.” The squealing in my head
became a shrieking, so I made the mistake
of asking how old this boy was.
“He’s 16.” Sixteen? Now, it’s only a
three-year age difference, but I’m fully
aware of what boys do when they’re 16. I
remember being that age, masturbating in
the apartment complex’s swimming pool
when no one was around, sneaking liquor
from my parents and trying desperately
to get into the panties of any girl willing
to show me her magical wonderland of
pubescent joy. And now I had the mental
image of some punk trying to do the same
to my niece. The train was grinding to a
halt, all my mental passengers holding on
to the straps for dear life.
“We broke up a few weeks ago because I
cheated on him, but he forgave me.”
Cheated on him? WHAT? “What do you
mean, you cheated on him?”
“I kissed this other guy.” Whew… The
passengers gave a sigh of relief as the
train began to ease to a stop.
“But isn’t 16 a little old? Why can’t you
date someone closer to your own age?”
“Well, I used to date this guy who was 13,
but all he wanted to do was screw.” As she
said it, the brakes on the train unlocked,
sending my thoughts hurtling out of
control toward another train of thought
I’d had about midgets in lingerie. And
then, the 16-year-old boyfriend called.
Now, unfortunately you can’t just threaten
a 16-year-old, although sometimes they
might need a good death threat to keep
8
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
them in line. The last thing you need is
some kid’s parents calling you because
you told their kid you were going to
murder him in his sleep. Therefore, I
tried to think of a subtle way to let this
kid know that there were boundaries with
my niece.
My conversation with him was something
like this:
“Hey, we were just talking about you! Hi,
I’m her Uncle Jeremy. Yeah, she’s here.
We were just watching “The Godfather.”
Have you ever seen it? No? Well, you’d
really like it. It’s about this family that
really loves each other, sometimes even
enough to kill other people who have
done inappropriate things to their family
members. For example … say, if someone
were to take one of the kids in their family
and do anything other than kissing, the
Corleones would probably completely
overreact. They’d probably take that kid
and nail his testicles to a piece of wood.
Now, I know what you’re thinking - any
concerned family member would nail
someone’s balls to a board for someone
they love. But the Corleone family? With
them, that board would be attached to the
back of a truck, which would then drag
that kid who acted inappropriately until
he was lying bloody in the middle of the
woods, where he would very likely be
mauled by wolverines. That, my friend, is
love … and I’d like to think that I love my
family that much, wouldn’t you? Anyhoo,
here’s my niece. You kids have a good
night.”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t my most subtle
moment. Maybe. I’ve just never been
around my niece enough to have to worry
about these things before, and I suddenly
found myself being very protective. It’s
probably a good thing I don’t have kids of
my own, or they’d all be wearing locking
codpieces and Kevlar.
The next time I talked to my stepbrother,
I expressed my concern for the 16-yearold boyfriend situation. To this he said,
“I know, man, but she’s getting to that
age now.” Thirteen? Am I just in denial
about what kids do at that age? Then,
my stepbrother made it worse: “Why do
you think she takes so long in the shower
now?” At this, the train completely
derailed, littering my mental landscape
with the fragmented remains of every
thought about my niece that was ever
good or innocent. And somehow, this
trauma mixed those thoughts with that
other train of thought about the midgets
in lingerie, completely ruining what was
once the happy thought that enabled me to
fly. Damn you, 16-year-old boyfriend!
Jeremy L. Anderson can’t even look at the shower
head anymore.
Email him at [email protected].
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
U
pon a time, once, there was a
Christmas filled with several days
of the most beautiful sky. It was
a deep, peaceful blue surrounded at the
horizon by a warm and loving reddish
pink ribbon glowing with security and
gentle strength. There was to be no fear
of a lack of love on these days — no
fear of anger or hatred. These days were
blessed with Humankind’s abundance
of love. And, on these days, all people
— everyone — recognized that there is,
indeed, plenty of love for us all.
We all look for things to hold on to.
Things that we believe will always be
there, no matter what. We have the sun,
the moon, the oceans and — as Forrest
Gump would say — “all the love in the
wide world.”
Oh! How frightened we become when
love adorns us. Will it give comfort only
to disappear when we think we really
need it? Is it even real? Why wasn’t it
there before? What the hell is it? Where
did it go?
It is love. And it did not go anywhere. It
is always there. Always has been; always
will be. When we think that love has
gone away, we just don’t realize that we
are actually hiding from it — perhaps
too shy to respond to it, or too proud to
surrender to it. We are afraid that it will
make us vulnerable, that we might just
be setting ourselves up for a forthcoming
bout with bitter disappointment. Once we
get over that nonsense, we are ready and
able to share all of the love that the world
has to offer! After all, as they say
in China, “Love ain’t no set of poker
chips; it is merely the very essence of all
human beings.”
Whoooah! Easy, there, cowboy! This is
supposed to be a Christmas story! Mind
your audience, now!
Oh, yes. I’m sorry about that. I get a
little carried away with that, “Love is
Everywhere!” thing sometimes. Let’s see
... where were we? Ah!  Here we go ...
picture this:
A frog in a pond. A distant glow on the
horizon. The sound of a robin and the
smell of
pine — and the wind cutting across your
face as you take pause to realize that
there is no substitute for wintertime in
the South.
Take a deep breath. (Go on, take a deep
breath. How are you going to identify
with the characters in the story if you
don’t at least try to experience them?)
Take a deep breath and walk back to
the house — slowly — and notice the
difference between the serenity you
feel from this peaceful moment and
the excitement you feel. Hold your
hands close to your sides as you begin
THE VALLEY PLANET
by Matt Foy
to glide toward the house, away from
this peaceful moment toward signs of
warmth, love and family.  No matter who
you are, no matter where you live, this is
a feeling from which you cannot hide!
“Mind those biscuits! Turn the oven
down! Oh goodness! I hope I haven’t left
the bath water running too long! C’mon,
now, youngins, we can’t keep the hot
water waitin’ all day!”
Talk about hot water — Grandma had
her hands so full that day, I could swear
that I saw one growing out of the top of
her head with the oven mit already on it!
“How was your walk, dear?” Time stood
still. Those words lilted through my
wife’s entire being as if each vowel, each
syllable, were created in different parts
of her body and journeyed up to meet
in her heart where they all convened
and set forth her order to launch from
the diaphragm, to charge through her
windpipe and into the larynx and ... wait
... careful ... watch the lips. Not even the
most powerful or spiteful words would
ever dare to disturb the perfect beauty of
her softly formed lips. I can’t stand it. I
have to act. So I did. I planted the softest,
most tender, longest and most passionate
kiss either of us had ever experienced in
our whole life!
I just had to do it!
“What was that for?” she lilted quietly.
So, I said, in my bumbling man-speak
sort of way, “Honey, I hate to sound
selfish at Christmas, but that was for
me!”  Hee, hee. Alas. If only my mind
could think as quickly as hers, but
before I even realized that I had finished
speaking, her blazing sapphire eyes
had already spun me into a temporary
paralysis.
“OK. Whatever,” she said. “Come on
now, we’ve got to help mother with
the kids.” I was crushed. My romantic
advances are simply out of step with
such beauty. I’m so awkward, so slow
and clueless, I’m just such a ...
“May I have one?” Huh?  Wha? One
what? I’m thinking. What is she talking
about?
“One what?” I asked.
“Come on, you two.  Dinner’s ready!”
Saved by the Missus!
“Whew!” I said.
Dinner, indeed! What a scene. Three
kids and three adults swarming around
an eight-foot-long oak table loaded with
everything from candied yams to applemint jelly.  Turkey, roast beef and ham
adorned with carrots, beans and greens.
My goodness! What are we going to do
with all of this?! It is my sincere belief
that we are going to eat it ... once we
finish up this nice game of musical chairs
we seem to be playing!
“OK, my handsome idiot, let’s go finish
getting dinner ready.” Her highness has
spoken.
Dinner, indeed. I had completely
forgotten about my walk.  In fact, my
mind was completely scattered, like
snowflakes in a blizzard. This is how
women rule the world.  They let us (men)
think that we’re running things when,
actually, we’re just doing what
they want us to do — whether we like
it or not. Now I know why Santa Claus
delivers all those gifts and presents on
Christmas Eve — because Mrs. Claus
knows better than to get out in that fool
darn cold and ride all over the world
in an open sleigh, risk crash-landings
on oddly shaped rooftops that men
designed, climb down chimneys that
were obviously not built with climbing in
mind and Rotweillers — UGH! Let Santa
have it! No idiot would ever risk this
much trouble, but a MAN, well that’s a
different story, entirely!
“Just fine.  How’s my baby boy?”
“Oh, I had a very nice walk out to the
pond. I saw a beautiful robin in one of
the bank trees. It was really pretty.”
“That’s nice, son, but did you see a frog
in the pond?”
“Yes, Mother, I saw the frog in the
pond,” I said.
“That’s good. Frogs are so beautiful!”
“Frogs are ugly, Momma!”
“You bite your tongue, young man!
You know better than that!” my mother
retorted.
“I’m sorry, Mother, I just forgot.”
(Something about robins and frogs
— more on that later.)
“Oh, Robin, I’ve been meaning to speak
with you about your 6-year old.”
“A kiss, you goof!”
“That does it! I am an idiot. A real, live,
bona-fide IDIOT!”
“Mother! For crying out loud!  Can we
discuss this after dinner?”
 Then she kissed me. VROOOM! WOW!
Sparks fly and embers burn!
I think I’m losing my appetite. “Hey,
Momma. How’s dinner coming along?”
(I always kiss her like that.)
#122304011905
“Oh, darling, you are not an idiot; you’re
just a man. Do try not to confuse the
two.”
“Well, you need to teach him how to
properly wipe himself.”
“Yes, Mother?”
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
Ah. Sit down. Say grace. Dig in! It’s
Christmas. I’ve waited all year for this,
this time of reflection — this time full
of great joy and abundant love. Oh, yes,
I know love is always abundant, never
goes away, yada, yada yada, but this is a
time when we all recognize it, reflect on
it and reassure ourselves of it together.  I
am suddenly overcome with that same
feeling of serenity that I experienced by
the pond with the robin and the frog. I’m
madly in love with my wife, deeply in
love with my mother and my children
and, despite all of my fretting over being
an idiot — oops, I mean a man — I
realize that this serenity reflects my love
for myself, as well.
I always thought that I was the frog in
the pond and my wife, the robin. But my
mother taught me something on the day
that my father died. We had been talking
about my father, in his memory, and my
mother said to me, “I didn’t marry a frog
prince, son. I married a robin — a big,
beautiful robin — who sang to me from
his perch in the pines as I wallowed in
the pond. No, son, your father was not
a frog. He was a beautiful bird, glowing
with love and generosity. Just like you,
son, he was full of love and kindness.
That’s why she married you. She saw
the robin in you; she saw so much love
that she knew it would be easy to love
you back. Yes, my Robin is gone, but his
love will always be with me. That’s why
you must always look for the frog in the
pond. There, you will always find the
robin’s love, always.”
So, you see, my mother has a thing about
robins and frogs, and every Christmas,
when I come home, I go walking through
the fields, towards a strange little pond
where things aren’t always what they
seem, where a peasant robin once
met a frog princess on Christmas and
lived happily ever after. Cool. Merry
Christmas!
9
Tracing
the Roots of Hip: 
Book Examines150 Years of Unique American
Self-Expression
“Hip: the History,” by John Leland
 Ecco/Harper Collins 384 pages $26.95
W
e all know what’s hip as soon as
we see it on TV, hear it on the
radio or pass by it at the local
mall, but tracing the path of America’s
underground social phenomenon isn’t
as easy.  Thankfully, there’s New York
Times reporter and former Detail’s Editor in Chief, John Leland, author of the
book, “Hip: the History” to help us sort
it all out. 
 
Leland defines one of America’s most
obsessive cultural processes while entertaining readers with anecdotes and music
related gossip along the way.  In essay
length chapters, Leland defines, characterizes and exposes all theories of hip, including juicy tidbits until the end.  Guiding us down the historical road of hipsters
from their inception, Leland maps it all
out, beginning with 17th century slaves
landing in Virginia and culminating with
the emergence of jazz music to ultimately
define American self-expression.
 
John Miller, who teaches Jazz Piano at
UAH thinks of jazz musician Duke Ellington when he thinks of defining hip.    
 
“Jazz is American music,” he said.   “If
you’re going to play jazz you have to
take it to another level. Duke Ellington
blended classical ideas into jazz. Like
10
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
most of the best jazz musicians he wrote
new rules and then broke them.”
 
Attributing the American word hip to
the African verb hepi, meaning “to see,”
Leland ascribes hip to a heightened
awareness and the amalgamation of races,
particularly slaves and slave-owners living in the American South.  From slave
spirituals to the blues, Leland archives
hipsters for the past 150 years. A wellstructured read and refreshing, Hip delves
into the birth of the cool with plenty of
roadside attractions and stories about famous hipsters.
 
“There is no instruction manual for hipsters,” he claims, “but there are archetypes of hip.’”   
 
He doesn’t stop there.  Musicians, poets,
rappers, actors, filmmakers, comedians
and computer hackers are all thrown into
the cultural melting pot. According to Leland Thelonius Monk, Mark Twain, Jack
Kerouac and Grand Masterflash all share
responsibility in creating the underground
idea of hip. 
Jennifer H. Daniel serves as social chairwoman for
rocking this town tonight. She also enjoys presiding
over the Valley Planet Writers’ Brigade, Huntsville’s
long-standing, secret society of the “cognoscenti.”
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
Adventures of a
Yankee Down South
by Karen Bertiger
What Will It Take to Put
You in This Car Today?
Now that I have lived here a year, I think
maybe it’s time to get a car.
I’ve been driving a borrowed car since
I moved here from New York City.
My thinking was that someone else’s
vehicle could suffer the casualties as I
familiarized myself with driving again
and committed such heinous errors as
driving for half an hour before realizing
I still had the parking brake on. Now that
I have progressed in my driving skills
to the point that I can get from home to
the grocery store without inciting a mob
riot, I think I am ready for my own set of
wheels.
I was looking forward to haggling with
a car salesman. I had this vision of him
cowering under the intensity of my
intimidating New Yorker ways. Maybe I
would even make him cry a little bit. And
then he would sell me a car at slightly
below cost — not so much that I would
feel like I was taking unfair advantage
— and I would swagger on home, keys in
hand. It would be hard to swagger while
driving, but I would manage it.
What happened was a little different.
Despite my 5-year-old-like insistence
that I can DO IT MYSELF, I finally
recognized that it would be wise to
bring my boyfriend along to assist in
negotiations. Not only did he insist that
he knew a lot more about this than I did,
but he pointed out that buying a car is the
highlight of the male existence and to
deprive him of this opportunity would be
akin to shooting his dog and stringing it
from the tree in the front yard.
An interesting thing happened to both
of us as we climbed out of the car and
our feet hit the pavement of the car lot.
I suddenly felt about six inches shorter
and completely out of my element. I
was afraid if a car salesman tried to sell
me a car without an engine, by way of
explaining the lower gas mileage, I would
just nod my head vigorously. Whereas
Tom, in a birdlike movement reminiscent
of a male peacock, actually puffed out his
chest and, I believe, although I cannot be
certain, growled a little as the salesman
approached.
Occasionally one would make a sudden,
head-butt-like move in the form of a
no-nonsense phrase like, “Look, I know
State Rapid Redux Exhaust Ejector Tax is
complete horseshit.” Then an exchange of
rapid-fire pleasantries accompanied with
more intense chuckling and bearing of the
teeth to show no ill-will meant. “Har har
har, well, we put that on there because we
have to but, har har har, of course we can
wipe that off the ticket for you, har har
har. By the way, if you want a steering
wheel that will be extra! Har har har.”
As the haggling continued and both men
started to turn red and snarl audibly,
I realized that they were enjoying
themselves, the way they might enjoy
lifting weights heavy enough to crush a
house or their own windpipe. It makes
sense that, as much as I’d like to be
completely independent and take care
of everything myself, as a woman I
do not naturally adapt to this type of
transaction. It is a slow painful torture
for me with no reward; whereas for men
it is an opportunity to demonstrate wit and
prowess by calling each other’s bluff and
showing they can withstand the torture
longer than their opponent.
But they both recognized that I was the
key decision maker where it counted,
without my having to say a word. For
instance, they swiveled their heads a
little anxiously in my direction and there
was a tense pause in negotiations until I
declared, in the tone of voice of a woman
who knows she’s got the right answer on
this one and nobody could convince her
otherwise, that I wanted the car to be
silver.
We all strutted home that day, because we
all thought we got the better deal. Who
knows what really happened, but now
I’ve got a brand new car with which to
torture the Huntsville driving population.
So you better watch out for me in my ...
um … well, I can’t remember what kind
of car it is, but it’s silver.
Karen Bertiger is a
transplanted New Yorker in
a Huntsville state of mind.
Email Karen at
karen.bertiger@valleypla
net.com
At that point buying the car became less
interesting than watching the testosterone
negotiation dance that ensued. The men
circled each other, bucking their heads
forward and back, squinting their eyes
and showing their teeth in an attempt to
put their prey at ease. It is rare, in the wild
— perhaps nonexistent except on a car
lot — for two species each to consider
himself the hunter rather than the hunted.
They performed ritualistic gestures such
as kicking tires, slamming hoods and
emitting hearty, low-pitched chuckles to
falsely portray a sense of total ease in an
effort to throw the other one off his scent.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
11
T
urn it off — your television that is
— and Tune In to Dubconscious, the
Athens, Ga.-based reggae sextet.
Rouse the Rasta within and heighten
your social senses while celebrating six
cute boys aligned on a stage. The goal?
Celebrating music and dance within
intimate settings.
Progressive reggae in the Lee “Scratch”
Perry category, combined with the
social drive of Burning Spear, set this
young reggae ensemble apart from their
contemporaries. Word of Life, the band’s
latest release, hits home with “Energy
on the Foundry,” “Closer Than TV” and
“Whole of the World.” With six fulltime
band members and the ubiquitous dreads
to boot, Dubconscious spreads the gospel
of unity, love and understanding along
with an energetic, soulful live show. Join
the sextet as they stir it up at Crossroads
on December 30.
Ed.’s note: This interview took place over
the course of three days, six voicemails
and two emails. We finally talked to
Adrian Zelski on a tour bus while he and
his band mates were en route to Miami.
VP: Adrian! Yeah!
(Crackle, loss of reception.)
AZ: Yeah! We finally hooked up. I’m
on the road, and we’re going through
pockets of non-reception so ... if I’m in
and out …
VP: Can you hear me now? That’s OK.
We’ll go as far as we can. Thank- you for
being so responsive. I apologize about
the phone tag thing.
AZ: No, I apologize. It’s half my fault.
You know how it goes.
VP: I do. OK, so I’ll get started. I’ve
never been to one of your shows, but I
streamed your performance at Smythe’s
in Atlanta from your website. You
guys seem to be pretty energetic about
reggae. Tell me about the Dubconscious
experience.
(Crackles, voices and laughes in the
background.)
AZ: What do you mean? Like what is
our history?
VP: No. I mean, like, what are you like
on stage?
AZ: We are very into what we’re doing,
and we’re really passionate about it.
When you watch a band with a rooted
base, it’s like that. We have five vocalists.
A lot of improv. Musically, we’ll go
out farther and farther if the audience
is really engaged. Sometimes … we’re
just really tight. It just depends on the
experience and going with it [the feeling]
at the time. All of us were raised on
12
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
television and fast food but, we’re trying.
VP: Trying to …?
AZ: To put across the message of unity
and one love. We’re one of the few
reggae outfits in the Southeast, and
hopefully, we’re being pioneers. And
we hope we’ll be supported. It’s a good
thing.
VP: Tell me about your new album.
When is the release date?
AZ: Early January or maybe February.
We’re trying to solidify everything
right now.
VP: Do you have a label contract?
AZ: We’re keepin’ it in the family.
(Muffled, male voices in background,
amidst crackle and then a very
prominent, “F&*k!”)
AZ: Um, sorry.
VP: That’s OK.
AZ: I’m in the room in the back with
other people.We’re not trying to be
crude. We’re really professional.
VP: No, really. It’s all good. Sometimes
we yell out expletives at the Planet.
AZ: Ha.
VP: OK. Does Dubconscious have
any holiday traditions, be it Christmas,
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or your own?
AZ: No, not really. We all go pretty
crazy because we hear the same
Christmas music in every town.  So, we
sing the Christmas songs — I mean, not
on stage. We’re serious on stage. But the
Christmas tunes get stuck in our heads.
It’s really strange to hear the same stuff
in every town in every bar, like Frank
Sinatra or Bing Crosby singing “White
Christmas.” So I guess you could say we
all get pretty strange around Christmas
because the music makes us crazy. What
about you? Do you?
VP: Do what?
AZ: Do you do anything strange at
Christmas?
VP Um, no comment.
AZ: If it wasn’t for good people, no town
would be worth visiting. That’s pretty
much our spiritual mission — to speak
out to people and make a connection.
You know, we don’t just want people to
come out and drink and get messed up
at our shows. When it’s good people,
good people, good people, you feel like
you’ve made a connection to people
who are looking to reach a higher level
of consciousness. And that’s why we do
what we do.
Jennifer H. Daniel didn’t wash her hair this week,
and now she’s got the knotty dreads. She still enjoys
jamming on the one. Email Jennifer at
[email protected].
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
Calendar of Events
December 23 - January 20
JAZZ FACTORY Jim Cavendar
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Live Music - TBA
SAMMY T’s Open at 6 pm
SPORTS PAGE Christmas Day - Open at 6 p.m.
Fynal Stryke at 9 pm
THE CORNER Merry Christmas! Open at 7 pm and
Tom Cremeens later!
THE CROSSROADS Toy Shop
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Live Music - TBA
BENCHWARMER Freestyle Faceoff
BENCHWARMER TOO Karaoke & Foxy Lady
Contest
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Tunedoctors Karaoke
CLUB OZZ “Diva’s Of Ozz” Drag Show starting at
11pm with Tierra Stone, Patience, Amanda Black
and with special cameos. Bar opens at 6 p.m., o
pen dance floor from 9pm till 11pm then open
dance floor after Drag Show till 2a.m. $5.00 cover
charge starting at 9 pm
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL The Crawlers
Continued on Page 14
MUSIC
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23
3rd BASE GRILL Edgar - Acoustic & Percussion
Duo (after college football)
BENCHWARMER Thong Thursdays! DJ/Dance Get in free until 10pm if you show your thong or
have a UAH or Calhoun ID.
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Mike and Lee
AMERICAN LEGION #237 HDK Karaoke Contest!
BENCHWARMERThong Thursdays! DJ/Dance
- Get in free until 10 pm if you show your thong or
BENCHWARMER TOO Karaoke
BOBBY G’s, Mem. Pkwy Karaoke with Carole
CLUB OZZ “The Baldest Bitch” Talent show. $5.00
cover starting at 9p.m. Dance floor opens at 9pm
talent show starts at 11pm. If you feel you have
a talent, come by and show it. Cash Prize for 1st
Place. Sign up at the front counter from 6pm till
10pm. Hours of operation are from 6pm till 2am.
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7 pm
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Karaoke with Anita Lynn
Palmer. Come and sing on the biggest Karaoke
stage in the Huntsville/Madison area! 8 pm
HOPPER’S, Holiday Inn Rudy Mockabee and the
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Yes, No, Maybe! This band has been
endorsed by the Memphis Music Association,
Memphis Records and Freeworld. They are new
to Humphrey’s, they are not new to music and
they rock!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Dave Anderson
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Scott Morgan - Acoustic
Rock - ‘60s to current.
ROCKABILLY’S Open Mic with Freddie Faust
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night!
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Karaoke
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTS PAGE 5ive O’Clock Charlie
THE BRICK, Decatur Whitey Herzogs
THE CORNER Marsha Morgan - Acoustic Rock &
Blues that everyone loves
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Tom Cremeens
– Electric Rock and Alternative
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Trey & Kenny
THE STATION Loose Shoes
THE VALLEY PLANET
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24
11th FRAME BAR Karaoke
BENCHWARMER The Crawlers
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL Open late afternoon
ESQUIRE 2000 HDK Karaoke Contest!
FINNEGAN’S PUB Nancy Maria-Luce at the piano
GOAL POST Bob Mills and the Backfield in Motion
HUMPHREY’S Merry Christmas!! We will be
closed, Christmas Eve. We’ll see you tomorrow
night in your new sweater!!
JAZZ FACTORY Jerry Mcallister
MOODY MONDAYS HDK Karaoke Contest!
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Bama Babes
SPORTS PAGE Christmas Eve - Closing at 6 p.m.
THE CORNER Open til 8 pm
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Closing at 2 pm
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Live Music - TBA
THE END ZONE T.A. Miller, Pat & Curtis. 8 pm
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS Amateur Poker
Night
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25
11th FRAME BAR Karaoke TBA
BENCHWARMER Fynal Stryke
BENCHWARMER TOO Live Music TBA
BOBBY G’s, Mem. Pkwy Karaoke
CLUB OZZ “Toxic Saturdays” from 9pm till 2am,
hosted by Miss K and special guest DJ’s. Brining
you the latest sounds in dance and electronica.
Register ( with paid admission) to win a vacation
package to one of 4 hot destinations. Hours of
operation are from 4pm till 2am. $5.00 cover
starting at 9pm
HUMPHREY’S Merry Christmas with ‘The
Crackerjacks’!! Let these boys shake the
snowflakes and tinsel out of your hair with some
holly-jolly rockabilly. Crackerjacks style!! We’ll see
you there. Bundle up. Stay warm. OK. We’ll see you
on the patio. Merry Christmas!
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
13
MUSIC
Continued From Page 13
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Borderline, 5-9 pm
HOPPER’s, Holiday Inn Karaoke
JAZZ FACTORY Jazz Jam Session
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Blues Jam - 15 years
strong!
ROCKABILLY’S Biker Sunday! Live Music
SPORTS PAGE Robby Hutto
THE CORNER Sunday Evening Jam Session
hosted by Scott Morgan
THE CROSSROADS Movie Night (6pm)
THE STATION, Madison Zack Hacker
MONDAY, DECEMBER 27
JAZZ FACTORY Marjorie Loveday
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Acoustic showcase
open mic hosted by Greg Rowell
PEANUT FACTORY HDK Karaoke Contest!
w/Sue. 6 pm
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Voted Best
Musician by Valley Planet readers, plays Electric &
Acoustic, Rock, Alternative & Originals
THE CROSSROADS Open Mic
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28
BENCHWARMER Karaoke, Pool & Darts
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Ben & David
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL HDK Karaoke Contest!
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, Decatur Karaoke
HUMPHREY’S Microwave Dave: Atomic - Electric
Solo Warm up to the explosive sounds of
Microwave Dave’s Nuclear-powered solo-electric
blues plus octane show!! It’s sure to get your
blood flowing!
JAZZ FACTORY Dave McConnell
SPORTS PAGE Donnie Cox
THE CORNER Scott Morgan - Acoustic Rock - ‘60s
to current.
THE STATION, Madison Chad Reeves
VON BRAUN CENTER Eddie and Gerald Levert
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Trey & Kenny
THE STATION, Madison Big Daddy Kingfish
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Karaoke with D.W.
$50 Contest
THE WAREHOUSE Amateur Poker Night
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31
11th FRAME BAR Karaoke Contest Finals
801 FRANKLIN Greg Chambers & Keith Taylor Jazz on the piano & saxophone. 8-11pm
BENCHWARMER The Nickel Band
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Hot Rod Otis
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Peacemaker
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL The Crawlers
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, Decatur Live Music - TBA
FURNITURE FACTORY The Scratch Band
HARD DOCK CAFÉ, Decatur Big Daddy Kingfish
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Happy New Year!!! Come to
Humphrey’s and celebrate the passing of another
year - and the beginning of a new one - with Eric
Rhodes Band! Eric and the boys will pull out a few
twists and turns to make your new year’s eve a
rocking one!
HUNTSVILLE HILTON New Year’s Eve Party
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29
3RD BASE GRILL 5ive O’Clock Charlie
BENCHWARMER Amateur Poker Night, followed
by DJ Dave
FURNITURE FACTORY TA Miller
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Wow!! Can these guys rock?!
Move over, Jack Black!! Your ‘School of Rock’ ain’t
nothin’ compared to Toy Shop’s incendiary
performance!! If you really want to see what rock
& roll is really all about, drop in on Toy Shop’s
show.They’ll show you everything you’ll need to
know. Now....Plug in....and let’s kick some ass!!!
JAZZ FACTORY Microwave Dave
MARTINI’S, Ramada, Madison Karaoke
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTS PAGE Pla’ Station
T-BIRD’S CAFÉ Live Entertainment
TERRY’S PIZZA, N Pkwy HDK Karaoke Contest!
THE BRICK, Decatur Tim Tucker
THE CORNER Donnie Cox-Great mix of classic
rock, blues and alternative
THE CROSSROADS Dave Anderson
THE STATION Kozmic Mama
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS DJ - Dance
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Redletters
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Freeworld All right!! This week is
just one rocking night after another!! Get ready
for the new year with Freeworld’sunrivaled
jams and (did I mention musicianship?)stellar
musicianship!! They will rock the cold right off of
the patio!! See you there!
JAZZ FACTORY Toy Shop
w/Sandy. 8 pm
THE BRICK, Decatur Jason Speegle
THE CORNER Tom Cremeens – Electric Rock and
Alternative
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Jay Wilson & Alan
Little - Keyboard & Acoustic duo
THE CROSSROADS DubConscious
14
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
- Kozmic Mama, Alabama Blues Brothers w/Jim
Nelson and the Big Dog Band, and Cover Girls
JAZZ FACTORY Rocket Scientest (upstairs) Open
Delta (downstairs)
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Flophouse Regulars
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Reddletters
ROCKABILLY’S The Blues Bombers - Brandon & Nick
SAMMY T’s Blackeyed Susan and Heartland
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Early-Bird
Karaoke with Sue at 6. Karaoke w/Sandy, 9 pm
SHAKERS, Decatur New Years Eve Party with
Witch Doctor’s Opera and Red Eye
THE BRICK, Decatur Bishop Black
THE CORNER New Year’s Eve Party with Dave
Anderson!
THE VALLEY PLANET
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove New Year’s Eve
Party hosted by Scott Morgan-party favors &
champagne
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Live Music - TBA
THE STATION, Madison New Year’s Eve Party with
PUSH - A great band with great fun. The best of
the ‘70s through today. Karaoke room open every
night!
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Short Bus
SATURDAY, JANUARY 1
BENCHWARMER Haven
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville The Lovehandles
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Peacemaker
CLUB OZZ “Toxic Saturdays” from 9pm till 2am,
hosted by Miss K and special guest DJ’s. Brining
#122304011905
you the latest sounds in dance and electronica.
Register ( with paid admission) to win a vacation
package to one of 4 hot destinations. Hours of
operation are from 4pm till 2am. $5.00 cover
starting at 9pm
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Happy New Year!! We will be open
New Year’s Day. Live Music TBA. See ya!
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Scott Morgan
ROCKABILLY’S The Blues Bombers - Brandon & Nick
SUNDAY, JANUARY 2
Contest
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
and with special cameos. Bar opens at 4p.m.,
open dance floor from 9pm till 11pm then open
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7 p.m.
strong!
VON BRAUN CENTER B.B. King
MONDAY,JANUARY 3
AMERICAN LEGION #237 HDK Karaoke Cotest!
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, Decatur Live music - TBA
15
MUSIC
w/Sue. 6 pm
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Karaoke with
Rodney
TUESDAY,JANUARY 4
HUMPHREY’S Glenn & Libba. Ring in the new
year with the super-wide variety of Glenn &
Libba’s duo performance. They’ll rock your socks
off while shmoozing your shoes!! See you there
JAZZ FACTORY Live Music - TBA
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Jam
Session. 7 pm
SPORTS PAGE Donnie Cox
THE CORNER Scott Morgan - Acoustic Rock - ‘60s
to current
THE STATION, Madison Live Music TBA. Karaoke
room open every night!
WEDNESDAY,JANUARY 5
by DJ Dave
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Minivan Blues Band Yessireebob!!!
We have no bananas! Up in a balloon, boys!!
Hot diggity dog!! It’s Minivan Blues Band on
Humphrey’s patio! One of the best jam bands
touring the Southeast. Don’t miss them. We’ll see
you there!
MARTINI’S, Ramada Karaoke
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6
3rd BASE GRILL Edgar - Acoustic & Percussion
Duo (after college football)
Audio Observations by Matt Wake
Goat’s Head Soup
If 2004 were a Rolling Stones record, it would be Goat’s Head Soup: some pretty cool
stuff but nothing historical. Much like those annoying sitcom episodes comprised
entirely of highlight clips, here’s the best rock n’ roll of 2004.
Best Records
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Contraband – Velvet Revolver
Five Guys Walk Into a Bar – The Faces
Rubber Factory – The Black Keys
Now Here Is Nowhere – The Secret Machines
A Ghost Is Born – Wilco
6. With the Lights Out – Nirvana
7. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb – U2
8. Paper – Rich Robinson
9. Van Lear Rose – Loretta Lynn
10. Blue Cathedral - Comets On Fire
Best Music DVDs
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“Under Blackpool Lights” – The White Stripes
“Miles Electric: A Different Kind of Blue” – Miles Davis
“Festival Express” – Grateful Dead, The Band, Janis Joplin, etc
“Rock n’ Roll Circus” – The Rolling Stones
“Family Style” – Jet
Crystal Ball
What releases would I like to see in 2005? A new Jane’s Addiction live record would
be nice. This actually may happen as Jane’s have recently broken up (again) and they
still owe Capitol Records two more albums. Also, a compilation of Black Crowes Bsides and rarities would rock. Songs like “Feathers,”“Somebody on Your Case,” and
“Paint an 8” deserve a proper release. Finally, MTV should produce a DVD of their
“Guns n’ Roses: Live at the Ritz” special from 1987. This show captured the band’s
original lineup in all of its boozy glory. Now here’s some stuff that will go down next
year…
2005 Festivals Preview
1. SXSW (Austin, TX ) This annual cavalcade of up and comers features Robert Plant
as its keynote speaker for 2005. March 16 - 20
2. New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival (New Orleans, LA) Jazz Fest has lost some
of its rootsy charm to pop music bloat in recent years. However, it’s still something
everyone should experience once. April 22 – May 1.
3. Coachella Music Festival (Indio, CA) Recent performers have included Radiohead,
The White Stripes, The Flaming Lips, The Strokes and Beck. The 2005 lineup will
reportedly include David Bowie, Nine Inch Nails, PJ Harvey and The Secret Machines.
Sat April 30 - Sun May 1, 2005
Releases Scheduled for 2005
Beck, Rolling Stones, Nine Inch Nails, Jimmy Page, Audioslave, Bob Dylan, Fiona Apple,
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Oasis, Neil Young (box set), Ryan Adams, Queens of the Stone
Age
16
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
MUSIC
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Freesol Brand new band!! As a
Humphrey’s guest, you are going to see a lot of
new bands this year. It’s time for a fresh start, isn’t
it? New styles, genres and greater talent are all in
store for this beautiful new year! We are going to
bring you more of what you love and add some
new talent to expand your choices on Humphrey’s
award winning patio, this year. Thank you for your
support! We’ll see you on the patio!
JAZZ FACTORY Live Music - TBA
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Dave Anderson
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night!
w/Sandy. 8 pm
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Big Daddy Kingfish
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Live Music - TBA
HOPPER’s, Holiday Inn Rudy Mockabee and the
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Ricci Jason is one of the rockin’
Blues - based shows on the
circuit. Hands down. Please, come out and enjoy
Jason’s dynamite show while you sample some
of Huntsville’s most expertly served foods and
beverages. It’s only the best scene around. Let’s
see....the best music, the best food, the best
bartenders....yep. The best. Just checking.
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Tommy Womack
THE CORNER Open til 8 pm
THE CROSSROADS Bonepony
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8
BENCHWARMER Live Music TBA
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Jason Ricci If you did not get a
chance to see his show last night; here’s your
second chance to catch it. And don’t forget, while
you are enjoying this rocking - your - socks – off
blues show, you can order from our late - night
menu (and it’s a good one) all the way ‘til one
in the morning! Okay!! Don’t forget to drink
responsibly, drive safely and tip your wait staff
generously!! We’ll see you on the patio!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Drivin’ South
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9
Contest
and with special cameos. Bar opens at 4p.m.,
open dance floor from 9pm till 11pm then open
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7 p.m.
strong!
THE VALLEY PLANET
MONDAY, JANUARY 10
w/Sue. 6 pm
TUESDAY, JANUARY 11
HUMPHREY’S Bruce Katz World - Class Jazz &
Blues. You can’t miss this guy. Bruce Katz and
his band are just heaven to the ears. Smooth,
energetic and masterful at their instruments, the
Bruce Katz Band will melt all of your troubles
away. See you tonight. Take care!
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Live Music - TBA
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Ricci Jason is one of the rockin’
Blues - based shows on the
circuit. Hands down. Please, come out and enjoy
Jason’s dynamite show while you sample some
of Huntsville’s most expertly served foods and
beverages. It’s only the best scene around. Let’s
see....the best music, the best food, the best
bartenders....yep. The best. Just checking.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 15
BENCHWARMER Live Music TBA
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S The Skylarks- Man, are we going
to fly off of the handle tonight!! Tell you what
I’m going to do: I’m going to eat a fine dinner at
Pauli’s Chophouse; then I’m going to slide over to
Humphrey’s Heated (but don’t wear shorts) Patio
and rock out to The Skylarks for a couple of hours.
Then, I’ll be hungry again. So I think I might order
from Humphrey’s late - night menu. You know,
get my energy back. And then.....Rock out some
more!!! Don’t forget: drink responsibly, drive
safely, tip your service staff generously and above
all, pleasehave a great time, wherever you are!!
See you on The Patio!!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Drivin’ South
w/Sandy. 8 pm
WEDNESDAY, JAN 12
by DJ Dave
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Absylom Rising -Very cool jam
band. Everything from jam to old rock & roll!
Great vocal harmonies meshed with sterling
instrumental performances make Absylom Rising
one of the best up-and-comers in our region.
w/Sandy. 8 pm
T-BIRD’S CAFÉ Live Entertainment
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS DJ - Dance
THURSDAY, JANUARY 13
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Redletters
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Dirt Road
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Absolom Rising-Wonderful! Two
nights of some of the best jam and rock & roll
around. We hope you have the chance to see
them both nights. But, one will do if it must. We’ll
see you on the patio!!
w/Sandy. 8 pm
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Karaoke with D.W.
$50 Contest
THE WAREHOUSE Amateur Poker Night
FRIDAY, JANUARY 14
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Karaoke
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VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
17
Art Marketplace
Panoply 2005, Big Spring International Park
Now accepting applications from visual artists
interested in participating in The Boeing
Company Art Marketplace during Panoply 2005.
All submissions must be postmarked by Jan. 14,
2005. The Boeing Company Art Marketplace will
open Sat. April 23, from 10 – 8 pm and on Sun.
April 24, from 12-6 pm. The Panoply Arts Festival
will be held in downtown Huntsville’s Big Spring
International Park, April 22-24. (256) 519-2787.
Applications are also available on the Panoply
website at www.panoply.org .
Through January 23
“Fashion in Film: Period Costumes for the
Screen”
Huntsville Museum of Art
HMA is the premiere venue for this breathtaking
exhibition of 35 costumes from recent motion
pictures, including “Titanic,”“Out of Africa,”“Evita”
and “Sense and Sensibility.” These costumes
were created for the screen by award-wining
actors and actresses such as Colin Firth, Nicole
Kidman, Meryl Streep, Gwyneth Paltrow and Drew
Barrymore. The Museum is the Southeast venue
on this exclusive national tour. Tickets: $10/adults
non-members; $8/seniors, students, military and
groups of 10+; $4/children aged 6-11. FREE for
members and children 5 and under.
EVENTS
Calendar Continued From Page 17
Weekly
Magic Matt’s Free Tableside Magic
TGI Friday’s: Wed, 6 – 8 pm
Green Hills Grille: Sun, 12 – 2 pm
Musicians Wanted!
Mountain Valley Arts Council is reviewing its
Lakeside Summer Concert 2005 booking season.
MOVA Arts Festival finalists are automatically
considered. Other musicians can send CD, tape
or video, photograph and contact info to MVAC
Booking Committee, 300 Gunter Ave, Guntersville,
AL 35976.
Through December 30
“Still Water” by Drew Galloway
Original oils on tin. Andrew (Drew) Galloway
describes his work as an “Oriental esthetic in the
Southern vernacular.” Galloway’s most recent
works are created on “found” tin or metal.For more
information contact Dianne Scott: (256) 534-7475.
Holiday Market
MVAC Gallery Guntersville
An arts and crafts show to celebrate the season.
All types of fine art will be available (paintings,
sculpture, pottery, etc.). Craft items from past
Holiday Markets include dolls, wooden toys,
pottery, wreaths, quilts and cards. (256) 582-1454
or [email protected].
Through December 31
Panoply Seeking Playwrights
Panoply Arts Festival is pleased to announce the
addition of a 10-minute Playwright Competition
to the 2005 Festival. Playwrights should call The
Arts Council office at (256) 519-2787 or visit the
website at www.panoply.org for guidelines and
more information.
Through January 2
“The World of Betty Grisham”
The unique vision of one of Alabama’s most
original and beloved artists is brought to life
through this selection of works in a variety of
media from private collections and the Museum’s
own holdings.
“Painted Essays: William Keith’s Landscapes of
the West”
This exhibition will present 50 of William Keith’s
finest oils and watercolors, selected from the
collection of the Hearst Art Gallery at St. Mary’s
College of California. Keith’s dramatic paintings
of the West helped inspire immigration to the
region, and also influenced the wilderness
preservation movement that led to the
establishment of our National Parks system. Gen.
adm. for non-members
Through January 14
Art Exhibition – Holiday Show
The Gallery @ 801 Franklin
Featuring works by Rebekah Sanders, Mark
Blevins and Joanna Littleton.
Through February 14
Panoply Choreography Competition
Panoply 2005, Big Spring International Park
Applications available for the 2005 Panoply
Arts Festival Choreography Competition.
Choreographers 18 and over may enter up to
two original works in ballet, jazz, tap and modern
dance. Entry deadline: 2/14/05. Panoply awards
winners in each of the categories $500 and
awards the winner for Best Overall Choreography
$1000. Entry fee is $50. Competitors across the
nation make this a very exciting dance event!
Info: (256) 519-2787. Applications available at
www.panoply.org .
December 23
Columbus vs. Huntsville Havoc
Von Braun Center Arena 7:30 pm
Bike Night
Sonic Drive-in Madison
Sponsored by Southern Cruisers Huntsville
Chapter
December 31
Huntsville Symphony Orchestra
Von Braun Center Concert Hall, 7:30 pm
Steppin’ out into the New Year’s Eve with Guest
conductor Michael Krajewski.
December 31
Cajun Zydeco Connection New Years Dance
Knights of Columbus, time TBA
3053 Leeman Ferry Rd. Bring in the New Year with
T-Broussard $10 members $12 non-members
January 1
Five Points Common Market
Art & Marketplace
Corner of Pratt and Dement, 8-12 pm
Flowers, unique gifts, coffee, fresh foods. Free to
artists and vendors. Open to the public. Call (256)
457-3819.
January 6
Bike Night
Chapter
January 7 – 8
Wayne State vs. UAH Chargers Hockey
Von Braun Center Arena
Jan. 7 at 7 pm Jan. 8 at 4 pm
January 7 – 9
Cirque Dreams
VBC Concert Hall, times vary
An international cast of inventive acrobats and
loose-limbed contortionists, aerialists and more!
Fri: 8pm, Sat: 2 & 8 pm, Sun: 2 & 7 pm. For tickets
call Broadway Theatre League 518-6155
January 8
Art & Marketplace
Corner of Pratt and Dement 8-12 pm
457-3819.
New Year’s Navigator
by Matt Wake
Huntsville, AL
Ah, New Year’s Eve. The rules are ... there are no rules. You’ve vowed to
kick your nasty habits for 2005, so get your kicks while you can. Spending
New Year’s Eve in Huntsville can be either joyous or depressing. Let me
offer some suggestions.
Snake Doctors (Kaffeeklatsch) The Doctors medicate their crowds with
a home brew of rock, blues and tasty tangents. The venerable ‘Klatsch is
hands down the coolest bar in town.
Iratowns (Crossroads) Iratowns features drummer Sid Crigler, a local
prodigal son. In recent years, the band’s jammy sound has developed a
harder edge and more soul.
Eric Rhodes Band (Humphrey’s) Blues bands can elicit juke joint jubilation
from both the wild and the mild. Mr. Rhodes and company deliver deepfried sets and even a reggae arrangement of “Jailhouse Rock.”
December 31st is also a great time to hit the highway
for your own personal road movie. Of course, a bruising
hangover makes that return drive a trail of tears. But
remember: No Guts, No Glory.
Atlanta, GA
Lazy Lester (Blind Willie’s) This swamp blues legend is famous for his
sizzling sides on the Excello label. Blind Willie’s is the diviest a bar can
get in the plush Virginia Highlands neighborhood.
Derek Trucks Band, Alvin Youngblood Hart (Variety Playhouse) Slide
virtuoso Derek Trucks specializes in transcendental improvisation. The
Variety Playhouse is one of Atlanta’s coolest music halls.
New Orleans, LA
Galactic (Tipitina’s) Tip’s is still the sexiest sweat box around. Galactic
updates the fat-back funk of The Meters.
Rebirth Brass Band (Rock n’ Bowl) Rebirth’s second line swagger is both
righteous and wicked. This bowling alley/retro club is one of NOLA’s
coolest venues.
Nashville, TN
The Music City blocks off the 2nd Avenue and Broadway District on New
Year’ Eve. Ping pong between the downtown honky tonks, blues bars, and
rock clubs.
You only live once or twice, depending on your religion. Get crazy and
book that flight for a spectacular spree.
New York, NY
Wilco and The Flaming Lips (Madison Square Garden) A SPIN intern’s
dream bill unites these two brilliant ambient rock bands. New York’s vibe
is so thick you can feel the electrons bouncing off your cabez.
Chicago, IL
Robert Randolph and The Family Band (Navy Pier Ballroom) Randolph
channels Hendrix through pedal steel explosions. The Family Band is a
high RPM combo that will make you shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Charleston, SC
Dirty Dozen Brass Band (The Music Farm) The Crescent City’s Dirty
Dozen are merchants of ridiculous rhythm. If God pressure washed New
Orleans, it would be Charleston.
Las Vegas, NV
Velvet Revolver (The Joint) The Joint is a 500 person capacity club in the
Hard Rock Casino. Velvet Revolver is the hottest band in rock. Double
down.
18
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
EVENTS
January 8 continued
Renaissance Theatre Auditions
Renaissance Theatre, 10 am
People aged 16 and up from all walks of life are
encouraged to audition. Auditionees should
come prepared with a short monologue (please
no longer than 5 minutes). An accompanist will
be provided for musical parts. Those interested
in technical work in the areas of sound, light,
set, costume, hair & makeup, artistic direction,
musical direction, production management and
choreography are welcome and should bring
their theatrical resume. Copies of selected scripts
are available for three-day check-out at the
Lincoln Center Antiques on the main level of at
the theatre. Info: Criss Ashwell (256) 551-9898 or
[email protected]
Silence of the Deer, Part III
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 8pm
An original dramedy. Admission $5
January 9
Local Filmmakers Meeting
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 2-4pm
Local filmmakers are invited to bring their short
works on VHS, DVD or 16mm, 15 minutes and
under, to show at the meeting. These meetings are
hosted by Jim Reynolds.
Film: “Out of Africa”
Huntsville Museum of Art,1:30 pm
See many of the costumes on display in the
exhibition Fashion in Film in action on the
Museum’s theatre-size screen in the Great Hall.
This film tells the true story of Danish writer
Karen Blixen (Meryl Streep), better known as Isak
Dinesen, from her marriage and departure for
Kenya until her return to Denmark in the early
1900s. 150 min. Rated PG. Refreshments will be
available for purchase, or you can bring a snack to
enjoy. Movies are FREE to all.
January 11
Making New Year’s Resolutions Workshop
Mental Health Center of Madison County,
12-1:30 pm
It’s time to make your New Year’s Resolutions!
However, achievable goals are sometimes difficult
to decide upon, and thankfully, this workshop is
here to help. The cost is $15, which includes lunch
and workshop materials. For info and to sign up,
call Laura Densford: 705-6328. www.mhcmc.org
January 12
The Argument, The Body Electric,
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 8pm
Admission $5
January 13-14
The End of Suburbia
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 7:30pm
The End of Suburbia explores the American way
of life and its prospects as the planet approaches
a critical era as global demand for fossil fuels
begins to outstrip supply. World Oil Peak and
the inevitable decline of fossil fuels are upon us
now, some scientists and policy makers argue in
this documentary. The consequences of inaction
in the face of this global crisis are enormous.
Directed by Gregory Greene. Produced by Barry
Silverthorn. Duration: 78 minutes
Bike Night
Chapter
January 14
The Capitol Steps
Princess Theatre Decatur, 7:30 pm
This troupe of Congressional staffers-turned
comedians travels the states satirizing the very
people and places that once employed them.
They are back at the Princess Theatre by popular
demand after two sell-outs in a row. Plenty of new
material during this election year. Sponsored by
Decatur-Hartselle Physicians and WLRH FM. The
Capitol Steps spoofs the latest political scandals
with tunes from their latest album Papa’s Got a
Brand New Baghdad. Pre-Performance Wine &
Cheese Tasting. Tickets, Info: (256) 340-1778
January 15
Art & Marketplace
457-3819.
Decapitated Cattle, The Crashing Falcon, Death
Camp Experiment
Flying Monkey Arts Center, time TBA
Classical Concert IV
Von Braun Center Concert Hall, 7:30 pm
Yakov Kasman plays Rachmaninoff’s Piano
Concerto No. 3 on a program that also features
Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition.
January 16
Mainly Mozart II
Huntsville Symphony Orchestra
Von Braun Center Concert Hall 3 pm
Mozart’s Requiem, featuring an all-star cast
of soloists including Susanna Phillips and a
choir prepared by Billy Orton. Members of
the Huntsville Community Chorus will also
be performing the Mozart Requiem with the
Huntsville Symphony Orchestra (HSO). HCCA
Conductor Billy Orton has been asked by the
HSO to select and prepare the choral group for
this performance. He will be utilizing a number of
HCCA members for this well-known masterpiece
of choral/orchestral repertoire.
January 20
Film: “Dangerous Liaisons”
Huntsville Museum of Art, 6:30 pm
See many of the costumes on display in the
exhibition Fashion in Film in action on the
Museum’s theatre-size screen in the Great
Hall. Winning Oscars® for Costume Design, Art
Direction and Writing (screenplay based on
material from another medium), this sumptuously
photographed film depicts the artful wickedness,
betrayal, and sexual intrigue among depraved
18th-century French aristocrats. Glenn Close plays
the Marquise De Merteuil and John Malkovich
plays the role of Vicomte De Valmont. Together
they become partners in manipulation and
betrayal. 119 min. Rated R. Refreshments will be
available for purchase, or you can bring a snack to
enjoy. Movies are FREE to all.
January 21-29
Fuddy Meers
Von Braun Center Playhouse, times vary
Claire has a rare form of amnesia that erases
her memory whenever she goes to sleep. Like
all mornings, she wakes up a blank slate. Her
husband hands her a book filled with all sorts
of essential information and disappears into the
shower. A half-blind, half-deaf man in a ski mask
pops out from under her bed and claims to be
her brother, there to save her. Claire’s journey gets
even more complicated when a dimwitted thug
with a foul-mouthed hand puppet pops up at a
window and her driven husband and perpetually
stoned son show up with a claustrophobic ladycop they’ve kidnapped. For mature audiences. Jan.
21-22, 27-29: 7:30pm Jan. 23 & 29: 2pm Adults:
$14 Students, Seniors, Active Military $12 (256)
536-0807. www.theatrehsv.org
January 21
Bluegrass concert featuring the #1 Bluegrass Band
in the nation, IIIrd Tyme Out and special guests
from Gadsden, Alabama – Foggy Hollow Bluegrass
Band and DeKalb favorites, The Bailey Family. This
outstanding concert event will be held at the Tom
Bevill Lyceum at Northeast Alabama Community
College in Powell, AL. Doors will open at 5:30 pm
and show starts at 6:30 pm Tickets are on sale
now! Advance purchase highly recommended.
Advance tickets $20 adults $10 children. Tickets
$25 and $15 at the door.
January 21 – 22
’s
O
H
C
R
A
N
A
DR
Rx for Old Stuff That Don’t Suck
You can tell a whole lot about people from what they watch on
television and how much time they spend watching. It’s a pretty good
bet that few Mensa members spend time watching “The Bachelor,” Tony
Danza, Jerry Springer or “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” reruns.
Not-watching most of the stuff that’s on the boob-tube speaks well of a person.
There is very little worth watching. Your time is better spent reading a good book,
even if you do have to patronize our bassakwards-thinking library to get one.
There is one program that’s not to be missed, though. This would be “South Park.” It’s
acerbic wit is wasted on many people. Besides, most people can’t understand what
the rambunctious 8-year-olds are saying anyway — and that’s probably a darned
good thing because they are often spearing the very people who’d object to and
need it the most.
One “South Park” character people of a certain age can understand is Chef — the
cook at the South Park Elementary School and all-around advisor, friend, mentorof-sorts to the South Park kids. The voice of Chef is better known to many as Issac
Hayes, the musician who may be best known for the unforgettable “Theme from
Shaft.” John Shaft was the black James Bond around the 1970s. I’m telling you, “This
cat Shaft is a bad motherf … (Shut yo’ mouf.) Just talkin’ ‘bout Shaft. (And we can dig
it.)”
Remember it now?
Oh well, even if you can’t, you might want to check out this issue’s Rx for Old Stuff
That Don’t Suck: Chef’s, er, I mean Isaac Hayes’ 1973 double album release Isaac
Hayes – Live at the Sahara Tahoe.
This was more than just another live recording, it was a stage extravaganza with a
more than dozen-piece band, an orchestra and a full compliment of back-up singers
and choreography. Those lucky enough to be at the taping of this show got every
nickel of their money’s worth.
The CD opens with the riveting, repeating guitar line of “Theme from Shaft.”
This arrangement has always been one of Hayes’ strong points, and “Shaft” adds
instruments one-by-one so that the whole house is rocking by the time Hayes’
distinctive deep-voiced vocals enter.
As was evidenced by Hayes’ earlier release Hot Buttered Soul, there was no one who
could cover a song quite like Isaac Hayes. He had the knack for taking someone
else’s hit records and reshaping them into something new, unique and undeniably
Issac Hayesian.
Jim Morrison might roll in his grave at what Hayes did to “Light My Fire,” though
Morrison would probably be too busy killing Jose Fellatiano, I mean Jose Feliciano
for what he did to it. Why, Morrison would probably have poked ol’ Jose-can’t-yousee’s eyes out or something.
He redoes “Never Can Say Goodbye” better than that little pedophile from
Neverland ever thought about. Bill Withers’ classic “Use Me” gets a facelift along
with Carole King’s “It’s too Late.” Also covered are the blues classics “Rock Me Baby”
and “Stormy Monday Blues.” These are rounded out with Roberta Flack’s “First Time
Ever I saw Your face,” a second Withers’ smash, “Ain’t No Sunshine” and Dave Mason’s
“Feeling Alright.”
UAH Chargers Hockey vs. Bemidji State
Von Braun Center
Jan. 21 at 5 pm Jan. 22 at 4 pm
Interspersed among all of this treasure
are a few things not particularly to my
liking, but they do not detract from the
19-track package enough to knock the
glitter from the rest of it.
January 22
Art & Marketplace
457-3819.
Isaac Hayes’ Live At The Sahara Tahoe is
soul, hot and buttered as only Chef can
serve it, straight from the South Park
school lunchroom. Give it a listen, even
if it does kill Kenny.
January 24
Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra w/ Cho-Liang
Lin
VBC Concert Hall 7:30 pm
Presented by the Huntsville Chamber Music Guild.
CALENDAR
[email protected]
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
19
W
hen you’re sitting on the “smitten
single” side of the dinner table, it’s
often assumed that you’d like to
be paired up, but something must be wrong
with you since you’re single. When we were
kids, the idea of marriage and family was
ingrained in us like our ABCs were before
we went to kindergarten. But as we grew up,
it turned out that landing a great mate and
living happily ever after weren’t as easy as
reciting 26 letters in order.
At the relationship table, there are certain
ways to behave and behaviors no one is
certain about. Either way, there are a couple
of ways to not have a relationship. First,
there’s the “not having a relationship” by
simply not being in one. Second, there’s the
“how not to act in a relationship.” I’ve seen
my friends and loved ones (and myself)
struggle with both and have come up with
some simple observations.
Let’s start with the “not having a
relationship” side of the discussion. I can
think of several ways to avoid relationshipland all together.
Stay away. The first and foremost way
is to admire your interest from a-far-far
away, even though you see him or her on
a regular basis. Trust me on this one. For
several years, I pined away over the world’s
most beautiful man. I never spoke to him,
only drooled from a comfortable distance.
Obviously, the relationship between us was
non-existent. I used to say that I wouldn’t
talk to him because it would ruin the fantasy.
But in reality, I was too scared to speak to
him. So, if you’re looking to not have a
relationship, avoid your would-be interest
at all costs. This is extremely effective.
Put your active imagination to rest. Don’t
make up stories about your interest. When
you’re admiring him/her from not so afar
and you see him/her talking to a guy/girl,
do you immediately jump to the conclusion
that they’re dating? Do you assume more:
not only are they dating, they’re practically
living together, own a pet, do volunteer work
with each other, and are madly in love. Do
you think you’re right? Of course you think
you’re right. As humans, we rarely admit
we might be wrong. And if you do admit
you might be wrong, that means you need
to actually pursue your interest. As scary as
that is, it’s better to go after it than to write
the person off. By assuming you’re right,
you’re not going to have a relationship.
Once you get yourself onto the “perfectly
paired” side of the table, you’d better
walk cautiously — one misstep could
land you back on the “smitten single, but
slightly more bitter” side. Here are some
simple rules to help you keep yourself in a
relationship that is worth your while.
Give up trying to control everything.
Although Ms. Jackson sang about it, trying
to control your relationship and the other
person in it is very destructive. You can’t
make anyone put you before his/her other
priorities. The two things in life we can
control are our choices and our reactions
to other people’s choices. Say that guy/girl
decides to not love you. You can’t make
them love you, let alone like you. Move on.
Be true to yourself. This means getting what
20
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
you want out of the partnership. If you find
yourself changing your ambitions or doing
things that are completely uninteresting,
move on!
Stop worrying. One day, you’re going to
die. If no one has told you this, I’m sorry
to be the one to break the news to you.
One day your heart will stop beating, and
you’ll stop breathing. There are so many
ways for this to happen. No one can be
sure when or where it’s going to happen,
but it’s going to happen. So, now that you
know, what are you going to do? Are you
going to lock yourself inside the house
and fret over everything? Are you going to
forego sunshine, walking on the streets, or
the foods you love? Of course not — that’s
not any way to live! Surely it’s best to get
out there and live your life. You can’t worry
about dying. You can only worry about
living. The same goes for relationships.
Take it from me, I spend far too much time
worrying about when the end will come for
my relationships. By worrying about the
unpredictable, I’m not enjoying the present.
I would be furious with a friend if they did
this. I’d remind him or her that what’s going
to happen is going to happen, so shut up and
enjoy the ride.
The only guarantee in life is death. Maybe
you’ll get married. Maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll move around the table on a
regular basis. Maybe you’ll find the perfect
seat and stay put for the rest of your life.
It’s scary to leave the comfort of the known
for the unknown. What if you don’t like the
view? What if that guy/girl turns out to be
all wrong for you? Who cares?! Get up, go
talk to them, find out for yourself. Once
you’re there, enjoy the person for who they
are and the relationship for what it is.
Don’t let your fears or insecurities stand in
the way of your happiness. Go after what
you want. Treat your significant other the
way you want to be treated. Let the chips
fall where they may. Most of all, enjoy the
ride. You only get one shot. Because when
it’s time for you to give up your seat, you’ll
regret what you didn’t do more than you’ll
regret what you did do.
Allison Gregg is an eternal optimist who has never
had it so good. Email Allison at
[email protected].
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
801
Franklin
has
been
known to bring novel,
fresh culinary ideas to
Huntsville, and with new chef Michael
Kroneker in the kitchen things continue
to heat up at one of Huntsville’s
favorite downtown eateries. Pairing an
impeccable and award-winning wine list
with the season’s ripest fruits and veggies
is a dream come true for Kroneker, who
has spent time in the kitchen with culinary
greats Wolfgang Puck and the 1988
Culinary Olympic Team. Valley Planet
stopped by the 801 Franklin kitchen to
meet Chef Michael and chat about 801
Franklin’s most successful endeavor to
date — catering large events with the
same fantastic flair they serve in their
dining room.
VP: Why be a chef?
MK: Fresh, local, seasonal foods are
the standard. Vine ripened fruits and
vegetables as well as the finest meats
and freshest seafoods can break even the
pickiest of pallets.
MK: Chefs are leaders with an enormous
amount of responsibility. You get an
adrenaline rush that is so intense; I
don’t believe there’s another career to
compare this to. There is something about
walking into a big day, hitting it head
on and kicking its ass with hard work,
professionalism and a smile that I can’t
find elsewhere. And, I think all chefs are a
little bit crazy…like a fox.
VP: What can you bring to 801’s table
that Huntsville hasn’t seen?
MK: Chefs tend to have a bad rapalways stressed out and yelling. I like
to turn stress into positive energy. I’m
approachable and down to earth. I enjoy
walking the dining room on a busy
evening or lunch and learning our guests’
names. Not only cooking your entrees but
actually bringing them to your table. After
all, our guests pay our salaries. They are
the reason we’re here.
VP: How do you showcase 801
Franklin’s massive wine list?
MK: Wine dinners are an excellent way to
showcase local, organic foods. Alabama
has come a long way, and I plan to support
the organic farmers in my menu.
VP: What’s your culinary education?
I graduated from the school of hard
knocks — an intense 2 and 1/2 year
apprenticeship
under
Executive
Chef Steven Kudrin. His inspiration,
professionalism and friendship will last a
lifetime. Cooking is a passion that comes
from the heart and flows through your
body and out your fingertips. And it says
so much without ever speaking a word.
See what all the fuss is about and join Chef
Michael on New Years Eve at 801 Franklin
for fine food, Southern hospitality and
a warm, welcoming atmosphere. They
will be offering a four course meal that
will include a champagne toast, amuse
bouche and dessert samplers. There will
be choices for each course with selections
like Torchon of Hudson Valley foie gras
with red onion marmalade, giant lobster
and crab ravioli with saffron butter sauce
or New Zealand lamb with rosemary
potato gratin and dijon aioli. Price per
person is $75 plus tax & gratuity. 801 will
also offer wine pairings for an additional
$18. Live music by Greg Chambers and
Keith Taylor begins at 8 pm. We’ve been
told this evening sells out quickly!  Call
801 Franklin to make your reservations
256.519.8019.
Jennifer H. Daniel didn’t wash her hair this week,
and now she’s got the knotty dreads. She still enjoys
jamming on the one. Email Jennifer at
[email protected].
BOONDOCKS
Not only does 801 dish out the delicacies
in their house, they’ll even bring it to
yours. The season’s largest corporate
events, weddings and holiday celebrations
keep Chef Michael and his staff bustling
about the kitchen during the day of our
interview. Chef Michael butchered a big,
bright salmon into fillets and oversaw
a catering delivery while we spoke. I
followed his voice from the stove to the
prep table and out the back door as he
moved about and graciously listened to
arising food preparation dilemmas from
his staff. To say the least, Chef Michael
knows how to multi-task. Among other
things, Kroneker says that no matter how
big or stressful the situation, it’s always
possible to pull off those tasks at hand
with professionalism and a smile. Did we
mention that he cooks well, too?
VP: You like working with…?
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
21
I
by Steve Moulton
t amazes me to see all that Auburn
has done this year, only to be behind
Oklahoma and USC. And why are
they? Because of a preseason poll taken
in August. Is it ironic that the main
reason for Auburn’s demise this year was
because of last year’s team? After all, that
same reason is why USC was preseason
number one. We felt sorry for them at the
end of last year.
Add to that playing a four-loss Alabama
team and a Tennessee that more resembles
a MASH unit than a top 20-football team,
that formula adds up equaling sugar.
“C6H12O6” is the molecular formula for
sugar, but in this case we now know that
Alabama (-5) + Tennessee (+ 3-string
QB) + New BCS Math  = Sugar. Does
anyone even remember why we went to
computers in the first place? Because they
look at the season objectively and not just
take into account how you’re playing at
the end of the year. Clearly Auburn is
being penalized for playing one of the top
defenses in the nation, Alabama, and then
actually playing a quality football team
in its conference championship game,
Tennessee. The Vols didn’t look all that
good against Kentucky and Vanderbilt
simply because they were trying to get
healthy and ready to win another title, not
impress writers.
Hey Tommy, be sure and tell your kids that
they are the best team in the country but
won’t have a chance to prove it because
university presidents and boosters don’t
want to share their billons with Myles
Brand and the NCAA.
When you live in this state for any length
of time you find out that the benchmark
for the greatness of a football team is the
1992 Alabama Crimson Tide team. That
is until this year. The benchmark can now
officially move 12 years to the right and
98 miles due east from Tuscaloosa to
the 2004 Auburn Tiger Football team. It
not only passes the 1992 Alabama team
test but I believe it ranks right up there
with the 1999 Florida State team or the
2001 Miami Hurricane team. In the end,
Auburn was a team that averaged over 30
points a game, yielded on average only
11.2 points per game and had a strength
of schedule that ranked 23rd even with
their non-conference foes. Put that in your
BCS pipe and smoke it.
Jason Campbell, please let me formally
apologize to you and your family. I didn’t
think you had it in you, but clearly you
do. He is the reason the Tigers are 12-0.
Ronnie and Carnell helped, but in the
end it was the decision-making ability of
Jason Campbell.
awarded bonuses for quality wins and
lessened the impact of scoring differential.
Auburn, which beat three teams ranked in
the Top 10 at the time the Tigers played
them, could use quality win bonus
points. The Tigers trail Oklahoma in the
BCS standings by 0.269. The previous
system awarded one-tenth of a point for
a quality win. You do the math. Auburn is
clearly a victim of a weaker Southeastern
Conference. When your conference loses
games to the Ohio Bobcats or the Rutgers
Scarlet Knight or Wyoming and even IAA
Maine, the strength of the conference as a
whole comes into question, and why not,
if you lose to Maine or Ohio?
One side note: To whomever broke into
my wife’s car and stole her purse on Dec.
5 in front of the University Fitness Center,
I hope you have a slow painful death.
Steve Moulton hosts The Pressbox every
weekday afternoon from 3 to 5 p.m. on
ESPN 1400 in Decatur, Ala. You can email
him at [email protected].
BOONDOCKS
The only thing that separates the Tigers
from the Orange Bowl is the new BCS
formula! The old formula would have
allowed Auburn to play USC in the
Orange Bowl. The old formula, which
took into account strength of schedule,
To those “experts” out there who keep
saying, “Well Auburn, now you know
how USC felt last year.” Shut it. All you’re
doing is revealing your stupidity because
Auburn is not in the same situation as
USC last year. They don’t even have a
shot at a spilt national championship. FYI
— the last SEC team to go undefeated and
not win even a share of the title was the
1966 Bear Bryant Alabama Crimson Tide
team. I’m sure that will cheer Auburn fans
right up.
22
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
LISTINGS
PAPOU’S
[email protected]
VP after a listing means that the wonderful people at that establishment were
kind enough to let us distribute the
VALLEY PLANET there! If you would like to
make your place all that, call us and we’ll
deliver a beautiful VALLEY PLANET rack
pronto! 256-858-6736
110 South Side Square, Huntsville, 256-534-5553
Greek Restaurant, Lunch & Dinner, Full Bar.
LE BISTRO DU SOLEIL
SAZIO
300 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown on the
Square), 256-539-7777
Corner of Pratt & Russell, Huntsville, 256-327-5555
Mediterranean Cuisine, Full Bar, Patio Dining VP
LOGAN’S ROADHOUSE (2 Huntsville locations)
4249 Balmoral Drive, Huntsville, 256-881-0584
University Drive NW, Huntsvile VP
2315 Beltline SW, Decatur, 256-432-2746
BELLACINO’S PIZZA & GRINDERS (2 locations)
4851 Whitesburg Dr, 256-880-8656 VP
8572 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-774-1918 VP
MAGNOLIA RESTAURANT & LOUNGE
2002 Gunter Ave., Guntersville, 256-582-0150
BIG ED’S PIZZERIA
PAULI’S BAR & GRILL
7143-C Hwy 72 W, Huntsville (corner of Slaughter Road
& Hwy 72), 256-722-2080. Full Bar & Extensive Wine List.
Reservations Suggested.
www.paulisbarandgrill.com VP
PAULI’S CHOPHOUSE
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown, corner of
Clinton and Washington), 256-704-5555. M-Th 5 – 10 pm,
F-Sat 5 – 11 pm, Sun 11 am – 2 pm. Full Bar & Extensive
Wine Selection. www.washingtonsq.com/chophouse.htm
VP
PILOT HOUSE RESTAURANT
3RD BASE GRILL
7904 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-9500. Great
Food for Lunch and Dinner. Mondays $0.35 Wings, Family
Atmosphere, Live Music on Wednesday & Thursday. NFL
Ticket on Sunday. Open 11 pm – 2 am, Mon–Sat, open at
noon - 2 am on Sundays. VP
200 South Main St., Tuscumbia, 256-389-9551
Sun-Thur: 11 a.m. - 10 p.m. Fri-Sat: 11 a.m. - 11 p.m.
1208 Beltline SW, Decatur, 256-351-6247
Alabama Famous Chicken Tenders, Hickory Smoked Baby
Back Ribs. In the Lounge, LIVE MUSIC Tu-Fr night, Monday
Night Football. VP
STARFISH
TGI FRIDAY’S
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown by Medical
Center), 256-519-8019. Lunch: M-F 11-2, Dinner: M-W 5-10
pm & Th-Sa 5 pm-1 am. Lounge opens 4 pm M-F. Full Bar
& Extensive Wine List. www.801franklin.com VP
BEAUREGARD’S (3 Huntsville locations)
1851 University Dr. , 256-512-0074 VP
511 Jordan Lane, 256-837-2433 VP
975 Airport Rd. SW, 256-880-2131 VP
BENNIGAN’S
McALISTER’S DELI (2 Huntsville locations) VP
4800 Whitesburg Drive S, 256-880-1557 and
1480 Perimeter Pkwy, 256-425-0034. Appetizers, Salads,
Sandwiches, Spuds & Desserts. Kid’s Menu.
TONY’S ITALIAN DELI
119 James Madison Drive SW
Huntsville, 256-772-4448
SCHLOTZSKY’S DELI (2 Huntsville locations)
4319 University Drive NW, 256-830-6400
11120 Memorial Pkwy SW, 256-650-6300
8969 Hwy. 20, Madison, 256-464-5300
605 Jordan Lane, 256-837-7220 VP
602 Governors Drive, 256-536-6585 VP
TERRY’S PIZZA (3 Huntsville locations)
9034 Memorial Pkwy S, 256-881-5987
3612 Governors Dr, 256-536-3389 and
2514 Memorial Pkwy N, 256-539-3467
4935 University Drive NW, Huntsville
256-830-2793, www.tgifridays.com
BB PERRINS
TOP O’ THE RIVER
CLEM’S BBQ & FISHERY
608 Holly St, NE, Decatur, 256-355-0980
7004 Val-Monte, Guntersville, 256-582-4567
3700 Blue Spring Road NW
WEST END GRILL
6610 Old Madison Pike, Huntsville, 256-722-8040. Steaks,
chicken and seafood.
DREAMLAND
WILD FLOUR BISTRO
GIBSON BARBECUE (3 Huntsville locations)
600 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville (shopping center, corner
of Holmes and Jordan). 256-536-0939. VP
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
3855 University Dr., Huntsville 256-539-7427 VP
3319 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-881-4851
8412 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-882-0841
735 Hwy 72 E, Huntsville, 256-852-9882
1715 6th Ave., SE, Decatur, 256-350-6969
MERIDIANVILLE BAR-B-QUE
11537 Hwy. 231N., Meridianville, 256-828-3725
1009 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-534-6141
Every day is St. Patrick’s Day at Bennigan’s
www.bennigans.com VP
OLE HICKORY PIT BBQ
5061 Maysville Road
New Market, 256-859-2824
BISTRO LA LUNA VP
Covenant Cove Lodge & Marina, 7001 Val-Monte
Drive, Guntersville, 256-582-0930. Lunch & Dinner
www.covenantcove.com
721 Clinton Avenue, Huntsville, 256-536-2872
STANLIEO’S SUB VILLA (2 Huntsville locations)
PRINCETON’S CEDAR MILL GRILLE
Corner of Pratt & Russell, Huntsville, 256-327-5555
Fresh Seafood , Full Bar VP
801 FRANKLIN
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
ALABAMA BREAD COMPANY
255 Pratt Ave., Huntsville, 256-489-1831 VP
975 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-882-2010.
CAHOOTS
CAFE BABA
CHILI’S (2 Huntsville locations)
CAFE DOMAIN
5000 Whitesburg, Huntsville, 256-519-2323. Coffee
Hotspot. Specialty coffees, sandwiches, salads, desserts.
BLUE PLATE CAFE VP
COPELAND’S
COTTON ROW MARKET
ERNEY’S
CRAWMAMMA’S
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
114 West Market Street, Fayetteville, TN.
931-433-1173. Dine in old jail cells.
4925 University Drive, 256-722-9620 VP
2740 Carl T. Jones, 256-882-1230
2004 Airport Road SW, Huntsville
256-650-3131 VP
5000 Webb Villa, Guntersville, 256-582-0484
Seafood & Steak
D&L BISTRO
7500 SW Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville,
256-881-7244, located in Main St. South
Mon-Sat. Lunch & Dinner. VP
THE DOCKS
Goosepond Colony, 417 Ed Hembree, Scottsboro,
256-574-3071. Casual Fine Dining Restaurant & Bar on
the banks of the Tennessee River. Free live entertainment
on weekends. VP
EDEN’S EAST
6585 Hwy 431 S, Ste. C, Huntsville, 256-882-6747
Creperie & Patisserie
5100 Sanderson Street NW, Huntsville (corner of Wynn
and University), 256-837-8282. VP
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown, corner of
Washington and Clinton), 256-704-5555. 11 am – 2 am
everyday. Live music every night – SEE CALENDAR VP
G’S COUNTRY KITCHEN
413 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville, 256-837-7880.
Mediterranean Fare, Sandwiches & Specialty Coffees.
Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. VP
K C’s COYOTE CAFE
410 Old Town St., Guntersville, 256-582-1676
LAKE IDA
101 Lindsay Lane S., Athens, 256-232-2330. A quaint
restaurant on the edge of a beautiful, small lake. VP
ROLO’S CAFE
505 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-883-7656
3021 Thornton Taylor Pkwy., Fayetteville, TN (inside Best
Western Hotel) 931-433-3871 VP
JAVA JAAY CAFE
1713 6th Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-351-8555.
Espresso, Mocha, Coffee, Freezes, Smoothies, Sandwiches
& Baked goods. M-Th: 6am-6pm. Fri: 6am-7pm. Sat: 8am2pm. VP
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993. VP
BANDITO BURRITO (2 locations) VP
3017 Governors Dr SW, Huntsville, 256-534-0866
208 Main St., Madison, 256-461-8999
CASA BLANCA MEXICAN RESTAURANT
511 Pratt Ave NE, Huntsville, 256-539-5399 VP
(4 locations) VP
7830 Hwy 72 W, Ste 230, Madison 256-864-0360
140 Browns Ferry Rd, Madison 256-464-6044
7900 Bailey Cove Rd, Huntsville 256-883-4447
1802 Hwy 72 E, Ste D, Athens 256-771-0130
SEATTLE SOUTH
EL MARIACHI (3 locations)
119 East Moulton, Decatur
Coffee, Espresso, Bakery & Deli. VP
OLDE TOWNE COFFEE SHOPPE
2113 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,(Whitesburg Medical
District), 256-534-0513 VP
THE WILD ROSE CAFE
14450 Hwy 231/431 N Hazel Green, 256-828-1466 1836
Winchester Road, Huntsville 256-851-7255
7193 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-890-0900
EL PALACIO
121 North Side Square, Huntsville, 256-539-3658
2008 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville 256-539-6075
WEST SIDE COFFEE PLACE & CAFE
2699B Sandlin Rd., SW, Decatur, 256-353-2025
GUADALAJARA MEXICAN RESTAURANTS
PO BOY FACTORY
LA ALAMEDA
TIM’S CAJUN KITCHEN
LITTLE ROSIE’S TAQUERIA
11208 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville VP
256-882-7311 &
8572 Madison Blvd, 256-774-1401
JAZZ FACTORY
109 North Side Square, Huntsville (Downtown on the
Square), 256-539-1919. Live Music, Full Bar & Extensive
Wine List.
2501 Oakwood Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-3034
TROTTER’S
JAMO’S CAFÉ
LAGNIAPPES COFFEE CAFE
GREEN HILLS GRILLE
3210 Governors Drive, Huntsville, 256-533-8808
1605 Pulaski Pike NW
Huntsville, (256) 533-5734
121 S. Marion St, Athens, 256-216-1005, Books, Coffee,
Music and More. The coolest little book store in Athens.
Live music Friday nights. VP
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
2699 Sandlin Rd. SW, Decatur, 256-353-0007
109 Washington Street, Huntsville, 256-704-5555.
(breakfast & lunch). www.washingtonsq.com/
cottonrow.htm
KAFFEEKLATSCH
THE GARLIC PRESS
ALABAMA ROADHOUSE VP
VP
2413-B Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-721-9491
Vegetarian fare, M-Thu: 11am-6 pm; Fri: 11am-3pm
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the patio. SEE
CALENDAR for details. VP
Don’t let this happen to you.
Take a deep breath, try to relax,
and...
815 Andrew Jackson Way, Huntsville (in Five Points) 256539-3616. VP
114 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-533-7589. VP
3807 University Drive NW
4781 Whitesburg Dr S, Huntsville, 256-882-0014
QDOBA MEXICAN GRILL
4800 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville 256-489-1367
Continued On Page 24
Advertise in the Valley Planet!
You’ll be glad you did! 858-6736
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
23
VILLA FIORE VP
OL HEIDELBERG CAFÉ
Authentic Gourmet Italian Cuisine.
11505 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-881-7746
6125 University Drive NW E14, Huntsville, (shopping
center next to Rosie’s), 256-992-0556.
EDO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
TASTE OF D’ISLANDS
VP
2105 Mastin Lake Road, Huntsville, 256-851-9262.
Authentic Caribbean Cuisine
CASA MONTEGO INTERNATIONAL LOUNGE VP
2117 Jonathan Drive, Huntsville, 256-858-9187.
Your source for Authentic Caribbean & American
Food. Salsa, Rock, Reggae, Hip-Hop, R&B, Soul,
Merengue.
ROSIE’S MEXICAN CANTINA
(2 Huntsville locations)
6125 University Drive, 256-922-1001
7540 S. Memorial Pkwy, 256-382-3232
Mon–Sat. Lunch & Dinner.
104 N. Intercom Drive, Madison, 256-772-0360
MIKATO JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE & LOUNGE
4061 Independence Dr. NW, Huntsville, (one block N. of
University on Jordan Ln.), 256-830-1700.
MIKAWA RESTAURANT
ITALIAN PIE
5000 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-883-9112
501 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-895-9199 VP
LA STRADA
12824 Hwy 431, Guntersville. European cuisine. 256-5822250. www.lastradabama.com
1010 Heathland Dr, Huntsville, 256-837-7440.
Authentic Japanese Restaurant.
MIWON JAPANESE RESTAURANT
404 Jordan Lane NW
6565 Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, 256-536-3690 VP
RICATONI’S ITALIAN GRILL
3991 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3000.
Hibachi Tables & Sushi Bar.
ROMANO’S MACARONI GRILL
TOKYO JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE & SUSHI BAR
107 N. Court St., Florence, 256-718-1002
5901 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-722-4770
HEAVEN’S FARMACY
2413B Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-721-5949
1105 Wayne Road, Huntsville, 256-217-1719
1009 Henderson Road, 256-837-4728 and 4070 Memorial
Pkwy S, 256-880-2590. Steaks, seafood, chicken and
wings. Live music & Karaoke. VP
THE BRICK DELI & TAVERN
209-A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur
256-355-8318. Live Music VP
BROILER STEAK & SEAFOOD
7908 Memorial Parkway S, Huntsville
256-880-2525. Fri & Sat nights Karaoke.
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL
3RD BASE GRILL
SURIN OF THAILAND
975 Airport Rd SW, Huntsville, 256-213-9866
ADRIAN’S
THAI GARDEN RESTAURANT VP
800 Wellman Ave. NE, Huntsville, 256-534-0122
1405 Sunset Drive, Guntersville, 256-582-3106
ALABAMA ROADHOUSE
VP
Live Music Thurs-Sat.
ALLEN’S GRILLE & GROG
CHINA MOON VP
11700 S Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-880-2626
Take Out or Eat In. Open 7 days.
Lunch Buffet Mon - Sat.
DING HOW II
4800 Whitesburg Dr., Huntsville, 256-880-8883
JADE PALACE VP
4925 University Drive NW, Huntsville,
256-536-7100
VP
3782 University Dr. NW, Huntsville, 256-536-7100
9076 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-772-8514. VP
418 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-534-4807. Authentic
German Foods & Beverages. VP
THE CORNER GRILL & PUB
THE CROSSROADS VP
721 Clinton Ave, Huntsville, 256-533-3393. Live Music 7
nights. www.crossroadsmusic.biz
BENCHWARMER FOOD & SPIRITS
EMBER CLUB VP
2998 University Drive, Huntsville 256-539-6268.
Lunch buffet, steaks, sandwiches. Live music, 12 ft. TV
screen, 7 big screens, 22 TVs. NASCAR Sundays, Dart
Tourneys (plastic & steel), Thursdays College Night w/DJ.
Open 7 days 10 am to 2 am. Dinner nightly. www.bench
warmersportsbar.com. VP
BENCHWARMER, TOO!
VP
VP
1550 6th Ave., Decatur,256-350-7390. Karaoke, Live Music,
NTN Trivia.
10131 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-1670. Live
Music.
THE END ZONE
Sandwiches, steaks, and ribs. 22 TVs, 8 Satellites. Lunch &
Dinner every day. VP
FINNEGAN’S PUB
VP
3310 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-881-9732
Pool tables, full menu. VP
BLACK WATER HATTIE’S
VP
(2 Huntsville locations)
10300 Bailey Cove Road SE, 256-880-2103.
NOW OPEN!!!!!!!
129-A Old Highway 431,Hampton Cove
Burgers, steaks & sandwiches. Great food, live
entertainment nightly. Great neighborhood atmosphere.
THE DUGOUT SPORTS BAR
2510 Ready Section Road, corner of Pulaski Pike, Toney
BILLIARD STREET CAFE
3810 Wall Triana Hwy, Madison, 256-772-0511
200 Q Oakwood Ave., Huntsville, 256-536-1150
Formerly Zesto’s in Five Points. Appetizers, sandwiches &
more. Karaoke & Live Music VP
THE BARN
BIERGARTEN CAFÉ VP
10300 Bailey Cove Rd SE Huntsville, 256-880-1202.
Full Mexican menu, dart tournaments. VP
4701 Meridian Street, Huntsville, 256-851-2920. Chicken,
steak, pasta and seafood.
7904 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-9500. Great
Food for Lunch and Dinner. Mondays $0.35 Wings, Family
Atmosphere, Live Music on Wednesday & Thursday. NFL
Ticket on Sunday. Open 11 pm – 2 am, Mon–Sat, open at
noon - 2 am on Sundays. VP
DEUTSCHE KUCHE
BOBBY G’S PLACE (2 Huntsville locations)
CLUB MIRAGE
SHO GUN JAPANESE STEAK & SUSHI BAR
JOY LUCK RESTAURANT
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Covenant Cove Resort,
Guntersville, 256-582-0930. Happy Hour, Tu-Thr 4-7pm.
Great drinks and a walk-in humidor! Live Music, see
calendar for details. www.covenantcove.com/parrot.htm
VP
CHIPS & SALSA CANTINA
NIKKO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
LUCIANO
964 Airport Road SW, Huntsville, 256-885-0505
BLUE PARROT MARTINI & CIGAR LOUNGE
10000 S. Memorial Pkwy. 256-489-3333.
Lunch & Dinner, full bar,great atmosphere. VP
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the patio. SEE
CALENDAR for details. VP
THE GOAL POST
3305 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville, 256-489-0055. 11am2am daily. VP
HARD DOCK CAFE
3755 U.S. Hwy. 31, Decatur, 256-340-9234 VP
HALF TIME BAR AND GRILL
8873 Highway 72 W, Madison, 256-430-0266 VP
HOG WILD SALOON
VP
HOOTERS
4730 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-722-0166. Wings,
seafood and sandwiches.
HOPPER’S
Holiday Inn-Research Park, 5903 University Drive,
256-830-0600, Karaoke and Live Music.
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Square, Huntsville, 256-704-5555. Beef,
seafood, sandwiches. Come for the food – Stay for the
Fun. Best Patio in Huntsville. Happy Hour every day 11 am
– 6 pm. Live music every night, no cover. Open 11 am – 2
am everyday. VP
Continued On Page 25
24
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
LISTINGS
DRAGONFLY GALLERY & DESIGN
THE LAND TRUST TRAILS
125 Main Ave. S., Fayetteville, TN, 931-433-3024
Bankhead Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-LAND
Year-round hiking on 547 acres of Monte Sano preserve.
www.landtrust-hsv.org
HUNTSVILLE ART LEAGUE GALLERY
3005 L&N Drive, Suite 2, Huntsville, 256-534-3860.
Monday-Saturday 10 am - 6 pm; Sunday 1-4 pm.
www.huntsvilleartleague.org. VP
MONTE SANO STATE PARK
5015 Nolen Ave., Huntsville, 256-534-3757
SCI-QUEST
HUNTSVILLE MUSEUM OF ART
JEMISON’S EATERY & PUB
350-A Market St. NE, Decatur, 256-351-0300. Open from
10:30 am Mon-Sat. Sandwiches, Pizza, Salads, Happy
Hour: Mon - Fri, 3 pm - 6:30 pm. VP
KAFFEEKLATSCH @NIGHT
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993.
Live Music nightly. VP
300 Church Street So. in Big Spring International Park,
Huntsville. Gen. admission fee is $7 for non-members.
Discounts for seniors over 60, military, students with a
valid ID, and groups of 10 or more. Admission is half-price
for non-members on Thurs nights. Members & children
<6 free. Hours 1-5pm. Sunday; 10am-5pm. Mon-Sat;
extended hours on Th 5-8 pm. Call 256-535-4350 or
1-800-786-9095, or visit www.hsvmuseum.org. VP
102-D Wynn Drive, Huntsville, 256-837-0606.
An exciting hands-on science center.
www.sci-quest.org
TENNESSEE VALLEY VIPERS
Arena Football, American Conference Southern
Division. 700 Monroe St, Huntsville, VBC, 256-551-3240.
www.vipersaf2.com
KP ARTS
THREE CAVES
1801 Charity Lane, Hazel Green, 256-828-5666. Live music
Fri. and Sat. Alcohol-free environment. Concessions available. www.lickskilletmusicbarn.com
100 North Main, Fayetteville, TN (on the square). This
gallery is a co-op. The showing artists work at the gallery
once or twice a month. Come in, check out some great
art and meet an artist. Mon-Sat 10am-5pm.
THE MAIN OFFICE
LADAGE ARTISTRY
US SPACE & ROCKET CENTER
LICK SKILLET MUSIC BARN
Hwy 231/431, Hazel Green, 256-829-9100 VP
MARTINI’S OF MADISON
Ramada Inn, 8716 Madison Blvd, Madison,
256-772-0701. VP
MOODY MONDAYS VP
718 Church St, Huntsville, 256-533-4005
NEIGHBORHOOD HOT SPOT SPORTS BAR &
CAFE
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039. Original
artwork by national artisits. Tue-Sat, 9 am-7 pm. http:
//ladage.dews.net. VP
MERIDIAN ARTS (2 locations)
305-A Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-534-7475.
M-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10 am – 4pm; and 370 Little Cove
Road, Gurley, AL, 256-776-4300. Tu-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10
am – 4 pm. www.Meridianarts.net. VP
Directions: Off California St., turn onto Hermitage, left
onto Kennemer Dr. Call The Land Trust at (256) 534-5263
to reserve your spot on a public cave tour or to arrange a
private tour for your group.
1 Tranquility Base, Huntsville, 256-837-3400. Open
9am-5pm year round except for Thanksgiving,
Christmas Eve and Day, and New Year’s Eve and Day.
Admissions: Museum only – Adults $12 & Child 3-12 $8,
www.spacecamp.com
VON BRAUN CENTER
700 Monroe St. Huntsville, 256-533-1953. Check calendar
for events. www.vonbrauncenter.com VP
MONDO DE TATUAGE GALLERY
THE WEEDEN HOUSE
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN
Corner of 6th Ave. and 7th St., Decatur
256-306-9099. Fine art with a lowbrow twist. Submission inquiries welcome. Open Noon till 10 p.m., Tue-Sat.
Located inside Ink City Tattoo. VP
OTTER’S
MVAC FINE ARTS GALLERY
ARS NOVA SCHOOL OF THE ARTS
PEANUT FACTORY BAR & GRILL
SIGNATURE GALLERY
1407 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-489-5201. VP
2704 Johnson Road, Huntsville, 256-880-3714. Live
entertainment. Sunday is NFL & Race Day. VP
Marriott Hotel, 5 Tranquility Base, Huntsville
256-830-2222. VP
903 Memorial Pkwy NW, Huntsville, 256-534-7092.
Burgers, sandwiches and steaks. VP
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE VP
111 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-512-5858.
Live entertainment.
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
300 Gunter Ave.,Guntersville, 256-582-1454.
Hours: Mon-Fri 9-4, Sat 10-3.
http://mountainvalleyartscouncil.org VP
300 Gates Avenue SE, Huntsville, 256-536-7718
7908C Charlotte Drive, Huntsville, 256-883-1105.
www.arsnovahsv.com
BROADWAY THEATRE LEAGUE
2364 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,
256-536-1960. VP
700 Monroe St. Suite 410, Huntsville
(all performances held at Von Braun Center)
256-518-6155. www.btleague.org
TWO FEATHERS NATIVE AMERICAN GALLERY
FANTASY PLAYHOUSE CHILDREN’S THEATRE
7529-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-882-0078.
Native American Arts & Gifts. “Walking the Path of our
People” VP
3312 Long Avenue SW, Huntsville, 256-539-6829
FLYING MONKEY ARTS CENTER
255 Pratt Avenue, Huntsville, 256-489-1831.
BBQ, ribs, chicken & burgers. VP
UNIVERSITY CENTER ART GALLERY
RUGGBY’S
UPTOWN GALLERY
2211 Seminole Drive, Huntsville, 256-489-7000
Flying Monkey Arts Center is a not for profit community
arts collective that encourages, supports and promotes
the arts. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org VP
116 Washington Street, 256-539-9974.
Best Live Music in Huntsville Thu – Sat. Open 6 pm – 2 am.
www.sammytsplace.com VP
WHITNEY DAVIDSON GALLERY
302 Hoffman St. Athens, 256-216-0903
www.footlightstheater.org
[email protected]
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE
211 B Second Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-355-7616 VP
Deli sandwiches, TVs, darts. VP
SAMMY T’S MUSIC HALL
(formerly Manhattans) Keep reading the Planet for
grand opening news.12740 Hwy. 431 S, Guntersville, 256571-0450. Happy Hour 10am-7pm. Patio for the bikers,
karaoke, jams.
THE SHACK
105 Swancott Road, Triana 256-461-0227. The bar that
never closes! Live music Friday & Saturday.
SPORTS PAGE LOUNGE & DELI
VP
9009 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-880-9471. Plate
lunches, deli sandwiches. Live entertainment
THE STATION
8694 Madison Blvd., Madison, 256-325-1333. Live
entertainment. Lunch specials. Happy Hour 3 – 8 pm.
Open 7 days a week 11 am – 2 am. VP
STEVE’S BILLIARDS & LOUNGE
2322 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-539-8919.
TABU & THE VIP ROOM
7200 Governors West, Huntsville, 256-830-1233.
www.theentertainmentcomplexhsv.com
T-BIRDS CAFE
1792 Hwy. 72 East, Huntsville, 256-852-9191. VP
TWILIGHT ZONE
VP
UPSCALE
VP
2140 Gunter Ave. in the Holiday Inn,Guntersville, 256582-2220
2021 Golf Rd, Huntsville, 256-881-8820
Dining & entertainment complex. Huntsville’s only openminded night spot. www.clubupscale.com
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS
1117A Jordan Ln., Huntsville, 256-489-1117
Live Music Friday & Saturday. VP
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
University of Alabama in Huntsville, 256-824-1000
1220 South Memorial Parkway, Huntsville VP 256880-2044. Custom framing, fine art, digital imaging &
photography. www.uptowngallery.com
501 Church Street NW, Huntsville, 256-539-0063
HUNTSVILLE BALLET COMPANY
800 Regal Drive SW, Huntsville, 256-539-0961
WILLIS GRAY GALLERY
HUNTSVILLE COMMUNITY CHORUS
3312 Long Avenue, Fantasy Arts Center, Huntsville, 256533-6606
HUNTSVILLE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
ALABAMA CONSTITUTION VILLAGE
109 Gates Ave., Huntsville, 256-564-8100. Open daily, 9
am - 5 pm, except Sundays.
North Side Von Braun Center, Huntsville 256-539-4818.
AMERICAN INDIAN MUSEUM
2211 Seminole Dr., Huntsville, Art, Music, Film and Poetry.
See Calendar for Event Dates
2003 Poole Drive NW, Huntsville, 256-852-4524.
www.american-indian-museum.com
401 Pratt Ave. NE, 256-539-9658
Tues-Fri 10am-6pm, Sat 10am-5pm. Featuring original
art by local/regional artists, handmade jewelry, antiques,
prints and custom framing. VP
1214 Meridian Street N, Huntsville, 256-536-3434.
www.renaissancetheatre.net
3101 Burritt Drive SE, Huntsville, 256-536-2882.
Summer Hours (April - Oct): Tues- Sat 9am to 5pm Sun
noon to 5 pm. Regular Adm. fee is $5 adult, $4 senior,
military & students, $3 child (children under 2, free).
www.burrittmuseum.com
CATHEDRAL CAVERNS STATE PARK
637 Cave Road, Woodville. 256-728-8193 Open daily at
10 am.
CLAY HOUSE MUSEUM
16 Main Street, Madison 256-325-1018. Tour this antebellum home with “A Walk Through Time”, 100 years of decorative style from 1850 - 1950 featuring Noritake Porcelain.
COVENANT COVE RESORT & MARINA
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Guntersville
256-582-1000 or 888-288-COVE. Home of Blue Parrot
Martini & Cigar Lounge, Bistro La Luna & Wake Factory.
www.covenantcove.com VP
EARLYWORKS MUSEUM COMPLEX
404 Madison Street SE, Huntsville, 256-564-8100.
GORHAM’S BLUFF
Pisgah, 256-451-ARTS. The Gorham’s Bluff Institute is
a non-profit organization dedicated to providing arts
and cultural activities to Jackson County and Northeast
Alabama.
HARMONY PARK SAFARI
HARRISON BROTHERS HARDWARE
124 Southside Square, Huntsville, 256-536-3631.
Alabama’s oldest hardware store.
HUNTSVILLE BOTANICAL GARDEN
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville, (Downtown by
Medical Center), 256-519-8019. Dine with fine art.
www.801franklin.com. VP
4747 Bob Wallace Avenue, Huntsville,
256-830-4447. The 110-acre garden is open year-round.
Summer Hours, Memorial Day through Labor Day: M-Sat,
9am-8pm; Sun, 1–8pm. $8 Adults, $6 Senior or Military, $3
Children ages 3-18.www.hsvbg.org.
ATHENS ST. STUDENT UNION ART GALLERY
HUNTSVILLE STARS
300 N. Beaty St., Athens, Athens State University,
800-522-0272 VP
Joe W. Davis Stadium, 3125 Leeman Ferry Rd, Huntsville,
256-882-2562.
ARTISTIC IMAGES
HUNTSVILLE HAVOC
801 FRANKLIN
2115 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3968.
www.artisticimagesgallery.com VP
Professional Hockey, Eastern Hockey League. 700 Monroe
Street. Huntsville, AL 35801 (256) 518-6160.
CAROLE FORET FINE ART
206 West Market St., Downtown Square, Athens
256-232-2521. www.caroleforet.com VP
THE VALLEY PLANET
#122304011905
LOWE MILL
RENAISSANCE THEATRE AT LINCOLN CENTER
BURRITT ON THE MOUNTAIN: A LIVING
MUSEUM
431 Clouds Cove Road, New Hope. 1-877-7ANIMAL. Drive
through animal exhibits. Open March through November.
5 POINTS GALLERY
FOOTLIGHTS COMMUNITY THEATER
THEATRE HUNTSVILLE
Business Office. 1701 University Dr, Suite 1, Huntsville,
256-536-0807. www.theatrehsv.org.
CARMIKE CINEMAS
1359 Old Monrovia Road, Huntsville,
256-430-0770. VP
607 Fourteenth Street, Decatur, 256-350-0935
www.carmike.com. VP
MADISON BOWLING CENTER
8661 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-722-0015. VP
CHANDLER WHETHAM SALON & DAY SPA
7900 Bailey Cove Road, Ste. 7A, Huntsville
256-881-9573, 256-881-4980 VP
DR. EDDIE’S STEREO OUTLET
6777 Highway 431 S, Hampton Cove,
256-539-5554 www.dreddies.com
THE DREAM MAKER
11220 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-883-8446. Promoting Harmony & Health through Nature. VP
THE FRET SHOP
309 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-430-4729. Guitar, Banjo,
Mandolin, Sales, Instruction and Repair.
www.thefretshop.com. VP
GARDEN OF HEALTH
Slender quest body wraps, auricular therapy, relaxation &
therapeutic massage, herbal & nutritional supplements,
bath & body products.
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
121 South Marion Street, Athens, 256-216-1005 Books,
Coffee, Music & More. VP
HAVEN: COMICS, ETC.
7185-H Highway 72 W., Madison, 256-430-0505
www.havencomics.com VP
HDK ENTERTAINMENT
North Alabama & Southern TN Premier Mobile DJ/
Karaoke Service. 256-509-2498
HIT VIDEOS & COLLECTIBLES
515 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-830-6654 VP
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
HUMIDOR PIPE SHOP
Cigars, Pipes, Pipe Tobacco, Lighters, Accessories, Pipe
Repair. M-F 10-6.
www.humidorpipeshop.com VP
INTERIOR MARKETPLACE
Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, Huntsville,
256-539-9113 VP
IT’S JUST LUNCH
256-519-3600. Dating for Busy Professionals
LADAGE ARTISTRY
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039.
Hair Salon, Day Spa & Art Boutique. Tue-Sat,
9 am-7 pm. http://ladage.dews.net VP
MAC RESOURCE
1570 The Boardwalk, Huntsville, 256-721-1700.
Apple Computer Specialist.
www.macresource-al.com
MAIN STREET SOUTH
7500 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville. Pick up the Valley
Planet inside, under the clock tower. VP
NAUGHTY & SPICE
7914 S. Memorial Pkwy, Ste E-14, Huntsville (The Village
Center), 256-880-4884. We cater to all your romance
needs.
NEW HORIZONS COMPUTER LEARNING CENTER
620 Discovery Dr, Huntsville, 256-722-0211.
www.newhorizons.com
NONESUCH GIFTS
804 Wellman in 5 Points, Huntsville. A gift shop for openminded people. Celebrating the diversity of cultures and
lifestyles. www.nonesuchgifts.com VP
PAULI’S GOURMET FOOD & WINE CO.
7143-D Hwy. 72 W, Huntsville, 256-722-0071 VP
PEARLY GATES NATURAL FOODS
VP
2308 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-6233
PRISM SPORTS THERAPY VP
4715 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-880-7776
PRO FITNESS
714 Madison St, Huntsville, 256-489-4348
The largest personal training studio in North Alabama.
www.profitness-anytime.com VP
QUEST PERSONALS
256-704-1100. Call, Click, Connect
www.questpersonals.com
RAILROAD BAZAAR (5 locations) VP
200 Oakwood Ave., Huntsville,256-536-1222
7950 Hwy. 72 W, Madison, 256-721-9303
936 US Hwy. 72, Athens, 256-216-9383
1801 Beltline, Decatur, 256-353-8121
RED JASPER SPA
211 A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-584-0027
www.redjasperspa.com VP
RED LIGHT VIDEO VP
2900-E Triana Blvd. Huntsville. Huntsville’s newest “All
Ratings” Superstore. VHS, DVD, Novelties, Magazines.
256-536-0482
RELAX 2 O
Madison Square Mall (256) 830-2877
Aqua Massage, Oxygen Bar. www.relax2o.com
ROBBINS MUSIC CENTER
2810 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville, 256-539-2474
1-800-569-6718. Mon-Sat 10-6, All instruments. All lessons. www.robinsmusic.com VP
RUSTY STRING GUITARS
820 Bradley St., Decatur, 256-355-6011. Specializing in
used Guitars & Amps, Drumsets. Only Hamer Dealer in
North Alabama. VP
SALON SALON
7525-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville 256-880-2466.
Waxing & Facials, Hair, Nails (manicures & pedicures),
Tanning, Full Retail Center. M-F 9-5, Sat 9-1. VP
SHAVER’S BOOK STORE
2362 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-536-1604 VP
SOUND ON WHEELS
2807 University Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-9422 VP
STRINGS ‘N’ BRASS
409 Pratt Ave, Huntsville, (across from Sonic)
256-533-9088. www.stringsnbrass.com VP
SUNBURST RECORDS
4001 Holmes Ave., Huntsville 256-830-8079 VP
T SHEPARD’S DISCOUNT MUSIC
1900 S. Memorial Pkwy, 256-533-7944. Buy-Sell-TradeConsignment VP
WEST STATION ANTIQUES
112 Main Street, Madison, 256-772-0373.
565 to Exit 8 - Exit North to Main Street.
Hours: Tues-Sat 10-5. VP
25
Chuck Shepherd, photo Bob
Baggett Photography
LEAD STORY
Despite a $7.5 million budget deficit, the
city of Berkeley, Calif., bought a 40-footlong refrigerated trailer last year for the
sole purpose of storing shopping carts
that had been commandeered by homeless
people for their “stuff” but then abandoned.
According to a November 2004 report in
the San Francisco Chronicle, the city says
the freezer prevents vermin infestation
while authorities wait (up to 90 days) for
the “owners” to reclaim their belongings.
Critics of the program said the city should
just confiscate the shopping carts, most of
which had been stolen from merchants in
the first place and almost all of which are
never claimed, anyway.
Election Roundup
In underreported November election
returns: Notorious Florida radio shock
jock Bubba the Love Sponge Clem lost his
race for Pinellas County sheriff, and his
Tampa radio competitor “Dave the Dwarf”
Flood lost for a conservation-panel seat
(but each got nearly 30 percent of the
vote). The mayor of Arvin, Calif., Juan
Olivares, was arrested the day before polls
opened, charged with child molesting.
(Voters ousted him.) Peter Stevenson,
losing candidate for Vermont lieutenant
governor, appeared at the only televised
debate with a fake arrow through his head
and blood on his clothes. Bruce Borders
won, becoming the Indiana General
Assembly’s only Elvis impersonator. Losing
Pennsylvania congressional candidate
Arthur Farnsworth, who ran on an anti-tax
platform, was arrested three days after the
election for tax evasion.
Fine Points of the Law
In 1998, a New York jury said Kenneth
H. Payne murdered a man, but the state’s
highest court set him free in October 2004,
with no strings attached. The jury had
convicted him of “depraved indifference”
murder (rejecting “intentional” murder),
but the Court of Appeals said the
circumstances of the crime better fit the
latter rather than the former. Noting
that state prosecutors have often used
“depraved indifference” as a crutch for
juries that might be reluctant to call a
murder “intentional,” the court decided
to send district attorneys a message by
essentially giving Payne a free murder.
More Scenes of the Surreal
(1) According to an October Reuters
dispatch, Afghan women are being
vigorously recruited for the police force
even though there are still no female
uniforms, and the crews being trained by
the United States wear their everyday
jewelry, accessories, stockings, high heels
and brightly colored head scarves (but still
appeared to be highly motivated). (2) The
U.S. Forest Service, acting under its new
policy of directly billing culpable parties
26
for firefighting costs, said in October that
it was preparing to send Ryan Unger, 18,
of Wenatchee, Wash., an invoice for $10
million for his having started the August
fires in central Washington.
Government in Action
-- Public Servant: The school
superintendent of Beverly, Mass., William
H. Lupini, decided to leave that $130,000a-year job in May and take the $148,000a-year job as school superintendent
in Brookline, Mass. However, since
Brookline’s school year did not start until
July, and since Lupini perhaps felt there
were no other “school superintendent”
jobs available covering the interim
month of June, he applied for $2,332 in
unemployment compensation for that
month, as reported in the Beverly Citizen
newspaper.
-- The Chicago Sun-Times reported in
November that Illinois officials had decided
to spend $115,000 in federal money to
distribute 2.4 million condoms to help
reduce sexually transmitted diseases
among the young, but also concluded that
the young might need special incentives to
actually use the condoms. Consequently,
bureaucrats decided that 900,000 would
be in colors (orange, green, red or
blue) and that 300,000 others would be
flavored (orange, lemon, grape, cherry),
to encourage their use in oral sex. State
Sen. Steve Rauschenberger objected to
the distribution of what he called “French
ticklers” and suggested that all condoms
should be “army green, utilitarian, lowpriced.” (Update: Gov. Rod Blagojevich
subsequently eliminated the colors/flavors
option.)
-- In November, the Federation of American
Scientists revealed the existence of a
recent U.S. Air Force-paid study of psychic
teleportation prepared by true-believing
Nevada physicist Eric Davis, who wrote
that moving oneself from location to
location through mind powers is “quite
real and can be controlled.” An Air Force
Research Lab spokesman defended his
agency’s use of UFO and spoon-bending
reports and Soviet and Chinese studies of
psychics, telling USA Today, “If we don’t
turn over stones, we don’t know if we have
missed something.”
-- Three of the five National Transportation
Safety Board members criticized a fourth,
the chairman, in a personal letter obtained
by the St. Petersburg Times in September.
According to the letter, Chairman Ellen
Engleman Conners was getting too political
(the board is supposedly nonpartisan) and
too controlling (the board is traditionally
quite collegial), and the Times reported
that members and staffers had complained
privately that Engleman Conners would
sometimes call them in advance of public
meetings to negotiate clothing, in order to
discourage outfits that would clash with
her own.
People With Issues
In October, prominent Albany, N.Y.,
pediatric neurologist Phillip Riback
was sentenced to 48 years in prison
after his conviction on 28 sexual-abuse
counts against 12 boys, but he continued
to insist that his actions were simply
“misconstrued,” disputing testimony
not only that he touched the boys
inappropriately but that he had them spit
on his face and into his mouth. Riback’s
lawyer said his client suffers from a
disorder that makes socializing difficult:
“He has a pattern of quirky, entertaining
behavior as a way of relating that simply
goes too far.”
Least Competent Criminals
-- In addition to his poor performance on
a field sobriety test, the chief evidence
that Frank Hersha, 28, was driving drunk
in Manchester, Conn., in October was
that police spotted him trying to order
from the drive-thru window of a local
restaurant that was obviously closed. And
in Watertown, Mass., a playful Kudzai
Kwenda, 23, accidentally locked handcuffs
on his wrist at home in October, and
figured they would know how to get them
off at the local police station, but shortly
after arrival, he was jailed because he had
apparently forgotten there was an arrest
warrant out against him.
-- Jason Rodd, clocked at 90 mph on
Interstate 91 near St. Johnsbury, Vt., in
November, tried to evade police by the
clever ploy of pulling off the highway,
dousing his headlights, and turning in to a
farmer’s field for cover. However, unable to
see very well without lights, he promptly
drove into a manure pit, immobilizing his
car, and was tracked down a few minutes
later.
Recurring Themes
-- Two months ago, News of the Weird
reported on computer technology that
would permit quasi-insertive sexual
intercourse by a remote user (the
Sinulator). In just a short step from
that, hunter John Underwood announced
in November that he had set up the
equipment for “hunters” to fire a rifle over
the Internet at deer, antelope and wild pigs
on his 330-acre ranch near San Antonio,
Texas (but opposition is mounting, and
state regulators may step in, although
current law is said to be written in a way
that could not cover Internet hunting).
Underwood would provide animal retrieval
and shipping services, and said his
business would be especially valuable for
disabled sportsmen.
-- Six weeks ago, News of the Weird
reported on two New Hampshire mothers
who had been arrested for viciously
assaulting their own children over rather
petty provocations. Later, in November,
came Nicole Mancini, 29, who was arrested
in Rochester, New Hampshire, after she,
wearing pajamas, walked into the St.
Mary’s Church with her three children and
was overheard mumbling about the need to
“sacrifice” the kids on the “altar” “before
3 o’clock.” After charging her with three
counts of child endangerment, a police
lieutenant said, “Eighteen years I’ve been
doing this, and I’ve never come across
anything like it.”
Readers’ Choice
Karen Stolzmann, 44, was arrested in
October in Portage, Wis., and charged with
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
possession of stolen property, specifically,
her long-dead boyfriend’s ashes, which
police say she dug up more than 10 years
ago, perhaps to taunt his family, with
whom she never got along. Other items
that had been buried with him were
found in her possession, and authorities
speculate that the beer the family buried
as tribute had long since been drunk by
Stolzmann. (The couple reportedly had
a stormy relationship, and the family
believes she provoked his suicide.)
More Things to Worry About
(1) A journal study by Maastricht
University in The Netherlands concluded
that even the air quality alongside major
highways is not as dangerous as the air
inside the typical church (with candles,
incense and poor ventilation). (2) A
Junction City, Ore., high school student
was arrested after he and a pal allegedly
distributed a DVD they had made, complete
with rap-music sound track, of them
beating up a classmate they had selected at
random.
Things People Believe
(1) Using parts she bought from the estate
of a laser-tech engineer, Julie “Jitterbug”
Pearce, 23, built a UFO-attracting device
for the roof of her home in Duluth, Minn.,
and told the Duluth News Tribune in
August that her machine’s triangularly
patterned strobe light design, looped radio
transmissions, and laser light refracted
through a quartz crystal may help signal
aliens in the area. (2) In Johannesburg,
South Africa, student John Smit, 18,
caused a minor curriculum crisis when
he willingly took a 30-point deduction
on an important English exam because
he could not bear to deal with a readingcomprehension question based on a
passage from a Harry Potter book, which
Smit regards as “witchcraft.”
Chess Glandmaster
Controversial former chess champion
Bobby Fischer, who fled to Japan to avoid
U.S. visa-violation charges, and who is
smarting from a recent Time magazine
description of him as something less than
a babe magnet, defended his virility to a
Mainichi Daily News reporter in October by
pointing out that he wears “size 14 wide
shoes. Just keep that in mind when (they)
say I’m not a dreamboat.” After recounting
an episode at a hot spring nude bath in
Japan in which two fellow customers
seemed in awe of his “size,” Fischer then
accused Americans of having persuaded
Japanese authorities to lock him up in a
facility close to a nuclear plant so that the
U.S. government can “make me impotent.”
Compelling Explanations
-- Chutzpah: John Michael Dunton’s infant
daughter died in September when Dunton
accidentally left her in his minivan,
having forgotten to drop her off at the
baby sitter’s before work. However, upon
learning that no criminal charges would
be filed against him, Dunton appeared at
a press conference, boasting that a jury
would have acquitted him, anyway, and
then imploring automakers to invent
something to keep parents from forgetting
about their kids.
-- Antoinette Millard, 40, filed a lawsuit
against American Express in November
to cancel her credit card charges, blaming
the company for her $950,000 shopping
#122304011905
THE VALLEY PLANET
The Valley Planet Music Exchange is FREE to any individual looking to buy, sell, trade or find bandmates. You get a headline and 3 lines of text for
the low, low price of nothing. If you wish to embellish your ad further, say, with a small photo (add $5) or more words (add $1 per line), it’s up to
you. Now, if you are a business, you gotta pay a little something, $12 per column inch. Please call Matt Wake at (256) 858-6736 if you would like
to put your business in the Exchange. Email your ads to [email protected] or send them by snail mail to Music Exchange, P.O. Box 335,
Meridianville, AL 35759. NO AD WILL RUN UNTIL PAYMENT HAS BEEN RECEIVED!
Drummer Available, METAL
[email protected]
256.353.8944
AT STRING’S N BRASS
you get internet pricing AND
home town service EVERYDAY
.Unbelivable pricing on guitars &
amps with great technical support
. 409 Pratt ave. 533-9088
12-6 daily
SAX PLAYER
Reggie “Buga” Smith. Available
for gigs, parties and special
occassions.
256.882.0879
SUCCESSFUL LOCAL BAND
looking for business-minded
booking agent to book dates in
the southeast region
Call for Interview 256-426-1525
Acoustic Guitar For Sell
Seagull Artist Series w/ LR Baggs
Pickup $600
For info e-mail:
[email protected]
DRUMMER WANTED
for Reggae Mystics
Must be easy going & love
reggae. Willing to do original
material and record
Zuva @ 256.348.0744
PRO DRUMMER
Seeks country band
Chris @ 256.222.6440
SINGER
Local emo/screamo band
Must be dedicated, age 16-25
Influences: Taking Back Sunday,
Yellow Card, Brand New, Linkin
Park, Blink 182, The Used.
Jeff @ 529.0132
EXPERIENCED Guitar Player
needed for collaboration on
melodic rock songs.
Call david @ 256.705.5253
between 8-5
GUITARIST
Bassist & Drummer looking for
guitarist for new project.
Loud, aggressive, vintage rock
with old school punk elements
(The Who, Fleshies, Stooges,
Husker Du).
Andrew / Ken @ 894.7107
MUSICIANS WANTED
Versatile, experienced musicians
wanted. Lead guitar, bass,
drums, keys. Practice 1-2 times a
week. Serious inquiry only.
Call Ashley @ 256.931.2111
CHRISTIAN DRUMMER
needed for metal band,
“Mindsize,” Influences - Pantera,
older Pantera, Machinehead, etc.
Jonathan @ 256.244.9311
(after 4 p.m.)
2ND GUITARIST NEEDED
for hardcore band
Influences: Deftones, Mudvayne,
Nothingface, Coal Chamber,
Tool, Sevendust, etc.
Justin 256.337.5827
BASSIST NEEDED
70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and new rock
Joe 759-7766
PETE ADAMS
Professional vocalist
256.653.0322
WANTED: BASS PLAYER
For original alternative rock band
Must have own equipment. We
have an early Nineties sound
Donnie 216-0903
DRUMMER AVAILABLE
Jerry Goins, 30 years experience
rock, country, soul funk, blues,
R & B. 256.389.8957
LOCKED & LOADED
Seeking drummer and bassist for
rock band.
Call David @ 256.430.1054
-- In a September issue of the London
Review of Books, trendy Slovenian
philosopher Slavoj Zisek made the point
that the essential ideological differences
in German, French and British-American
societies, as noted by G.W.F. Hegel and
others, can be represented by their
countries’ respective toilet designs. The
German toilet’s evacuation hole is in
the front, facilitating “inspection and
analysis,” but the French design places the
hole in the rear, so that waste disappears
quickly. The British-American toilet allows
floatation, which of course signals that
society’s “utilitarian pragmatism.” Zisek
described his theory as an “excremental
correlative-counterpoint” to a framework
identified with French philosopher Claude
Levi-Strauss.
Creme de la Weird
-- In a June lawsuit in Albany, N.Y., Mark
Hogarth, 45, asked a court to protect
his constitutional right to privacy by
exempting him from child-pornography
laws so that he can reclaim 269 lewd
photos of himself, taken when he was a
kid, but which his now-deceased father had
#122304011905
PEDAL STEEL PLAYER
Available, Tom Stolaski @
256.420.8807
LARRY JANZEN
Big Band Jazz Drummer
256.830.6810
BASS PLAYER NEEDED
For original 5 piece rock band.
Must have own gear and be
able to practice 1-2 times/week.
No drugs, no egos. InfluencesNirvana, Pearl Jam, Sex Pistols,
Radiohead. Donnie @ 216.0903
spree at New York City’s priciest stores
(in that AmEx imprudently issued her
its prestigious black Centurion Card).
Millard, who recently portrayed herself
as “Princess Antoinette” of a Saudi
royal family and as a former Victoria’s
Secret model, said she suffered from
“anorexia, depression, panic attacks (and)
head tumors,” which made her such an
impulsive, frenzied shopper that she just
couldn’t stop spending. (According to
prosecutors, Millard is a divorced woman
from Buffalo who was working in an office
in Manhattan.)
-- According to a transcript obtained by
the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle in
September, convicted rapist John Horace,
60, was turned down by the New York
Parole Board after offering a new excuse
for his crime (which was committed
against a nursing home resident in a
near coma). Horace, then an aide at
the home, said he had read in a medical
book somewhere that the sensation of
pregnancy would snap a woman out of a
coma and that he was thus only trying to
help.
THE VALLEY PLANET
BASS PLAYER NEEDED
Classic rock, blues, originals
233.0619 home,
431.0677 cell
hidden away in another country. In his
petition, he said that his father approved
of, but did not participate in, the photo
sessions (some of which featured other
children) and that Hogarth would like to
keep the pictures as, basically, mementos
of his childhood.
Readers’ Choice
In Kent, Wash., in November, a 24-year-old
man, whose reasons will probably never
be known, tried to heat his lava lamp
on a stove; he was killed when the lamp
exploded and propelled a piece of glass
into his heart. And on Thanksgiving day
in Worcester, Mass., Frank Palacios, 24,
apparently got tired of being criticized for
picking at the turkey with his fingers and
stabbed his cousin and his uncle, sending
both to the hospital.
Signs
Among the latest “miracles”: a fiberglass
statue of Jesus, which washed up on
a sandbar on the Rio Grande River
near Eagle Pass, Texas, and which has
now drawn thousands of worshippers
(September); an inflated balloon with a
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 23
rubber smudge in the image of the Virgin
Mary, decorating the car lot of Payne
Weslaco Motors, Weslaco, Texas (giving at
least one worker there “chills”) (August);
and the spontaneous falling over of the
statue of the Virgin Mary at Our Lady of
Mount Carmel Catholic Church, which was
taken to be a holy signal that the church,
which had been scheduled for closing by
the Boston Archdiocese, should remain
open (October).
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd
P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679
or [email protected]
or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD
DISTRIBUTED BY
UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111;
(816) 932-6600
27

32 - Valley Planet

Transcription

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