Daily Bull 2011-1-14
Transcription
Daily Bull 2011-1-14
D Friday, January 14, 2011 “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” -Steven Wright (1955 - ) Sentences 2.0! By Jon “Big-O” Mahan ~ Daily Bull ~ Remember a REALLY long time ago. Like REALLY long. Think back to k-day of this year. Yeah, that long. Remember those sentences you gave us? Remember the article I wrote using those sentences? And remember how there was supposed to be another? Well... Sunshine’s a lazy sieve, and didn’t feel like writing it. Finally, I managed to kick my own butt into gear, and do it. So, with out further ado, sentences! Tranny housewives begin their day like many of us do.They start off thinking about how Steve Knudstrup is cooler than his cousin Megan, and quickly move on to more important topics to be thinking about like sugarflipmuffincabbagepatchdragonpoof. Of course this doesnt last long, as with everyone, they begin to think up some crazy mixed drink ideas. Snootchie Bootchies are a great idea for just such ...see Zzzzz... on back AILY BUL L The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like a broken cheese grater! The Blizzard of the Southern East Coast By Sam Schall ~ Daily Bull Over Christmas break, the southern of snow - all before cars were allowed parts of the east coast received what on the roads again. Several homes were several locals reduced to were calling a using salt shakblizzard. They ers to melt the saw about a snow from the whopping todriveways and tal of 2 inches sidewalks. at most in some places, One local famand reach ily told us that wind speeds “The blizzard of about 15 here really hit mph near the us hard. My coast. For an [spouse] was area that was trapped at completely work and we unprepared weren’t able for snow, this to see them till blizzard hit the police let them hard. us back on the Meanwhile, in Houghton... Governors of roads. I heard several states were forced to call a state they were even arresting people for of emergency. driving, claiming it was ‘reckless endangerment’ for those people shoveling. I The snow caused all area schools to shut couldn’t even see my neighbor about a down for a couple of days to get together half mile away through that snow though, a big cleanup crew for the main cities to so it must have been dangerous.” start functioning again. The smaller towns were forced to get together a team of Even though the local college campuses shovels to move snow off the main roads were shut down for the break, several before the snow plows were allowed college kids who did stay on campus for on them to clean off the last millimeter the break were in shock. Several claimed ...see Finally! on back If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! If you’ve got the clap and you know it, don’t clap my crotch... Amazeing Brought to you by The Daily Bull! ... Zzzzz... from front an occasion, when drinking is called for, and everyone killed Mr. Sunshine because he creeped them out. It is of course common knowledge to these housewives that AFROTC is better than Army ROTC. It’s just a known fact. Like how Grant Cox kicks ass and you should all worship his sexy body. I mean, just think about it. Has anyone ever been as far as to want to do to look more like? I mean, often times my hair is too long, I can’t find my shoes. How frustrating is that? On a side note. Pokemon. Yes, pokemon can be used for about everything. You can even describe my sex life in pokemon moves: Sleep Powder, Harden, Pound, and String Shot. But enough of that tomfoolery. Back to the expose on tranny housewives. One particular tranny housewife had an interesting day, by many standards. Started by pondering things like Ashley is Awesome, it is what it Daily Bull EDITOR IN CHIEF Liz Fujita FACULTY ADVISOR David the BFG Olson ROCKET GRUNT BREAD WINNER Jon “Big O” Mahan Simon Mused MONOPOLY GUY Alec Hamer SCRIBE Stephen Whittaker Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks, Simon Mused, Jon “Big-O” Mahan, Alec Hamer, John Pastore, Matt Villa, Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia, Benjamin Loucks, Lauren Allen, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall, Sandra Custer, Frank McGuire, Mike Cardwell, Bryne Judy, Bill Melcher, Jeremy Moore, Kyle Roe, Cameron Long, John Earnest, Olivia Zajac, Jodhbir Singh, and 17 frivolous zombies. ©2010 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, a man will appear beside you. The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper and toner costs. Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed to [email protected] WHERE CAN I FIND THIS “DAILY BULL?” We have smokin’ hot distribution racks just waiting for you to check them out. Give them a pat. Oogle their shiny firmness and perky publication-holding abilities. Places to find the elusive racks: MUB food commons MEEM elevators DOW pillar near 641/642 Dillman lobby Fisher Aftermath food court M&M lobby near the west staircase We also distribute in the Chem Sci lounge, USG office, and Walker. Walker, however, is having all of its guts ripped out, so distribution is temporarily by the Multiliteracies Center. We’ll let you know when it’s back - not that Humanities majors want to read us in the first place. If picking up a paper copy doesn’t suit your fancy, we do have a mailing list! Shout to [email protected] to be subscribed! GO DO IT NOW! is, and the table saw safety rule #1 : If at some point you are not in contact with the board, it will come back and make contact with you, the day seemed fairly normal for the tranny. Upon reaching the store, she over heard and argument which she only caught the end line. However, the line “For the Love of Donut Queefing Supersluts” was enought to rattle even the bravest of fried turtles. now thouroughly rattled, she continued to overhear more and more stange conversations. From the next aisle over “Sunshine’s beard is the most epic thing ever. THIS IS SPARTA!” and “Hurry up the machine is stuck, I have struck a bonanza!”. Now that’s an ax murderer if I ever saw one!. Still, this did not help our poor tranny, as she imediately began to flee. She ran for her life. Over the river and through the woods, around the bend, and up the way. Still as she approached the end of her sprint, she hastily proclaimed “I need to pee!” Before going about her business. This was a fatal error on her part. For the ax murderer was right behind her, chanting “Every day is Mrs. Fogal’s birthday.” A strange and bewildering chant if there ever was one. She tried to get the aide of a few students, as she ran by them, trying to escape the As strange phrases entered her shat- murderer, but alas, the student body tered mind, she lost touch with reality. was considered too stupid to handle She began to debate whether con- potatoes, and thus of no use to her. crete is a better paving material than asphalt or not. And as she came She fled into the woods, taking shelaround a corner, a large man in a ter where she could. But before long, white mask with an axe approached . the pink and purple dotted lions began to come out and haunt her. ... Finally! from front never to have seen snow all their lives, hard anywhere and the locals had to so the big statewide shutdowns were be recklessly endangering everyone around them for working in that ena shock to their systems. vironment. One student, though, home from a college campus high in northern Michigan So, in the snow, they were hit by the was arrested during the snowstorm worst snow they’ve seen in decades for the above mentioned ‘reckless en- and it shut down several places. People dangerment’. When questioned at the were arrested for thinking there was station, the student seemed confused. worst snow then 2 inches in a day and trying to “Why would drive in this the roads freak weathbe shut er. Families down? I were sepawalk to class rated bethrough cause of all s n o w the roads storms 4 being shut times as down. Luckbad as this ily, though, flur r y. I’ve there were seen worse no acciin snow Ocdents with tober. Hell, I this road don’t think shutdown. they shut down campus in ten years for snow-weather In other news, the little town of Houghreasons.” That student was then taken ton MI is predicting a light snowfall of in for psychiatric care; many locals and only about 2 feet in the area for today, family member thinking the student so there will no school cancellations was insane. It would never snow that in the county. Fortunately, they mostly come out at “No John, you are the demons.” And night. Mostly. This was sadly of little then John was a zombie. use to our heroine, as the time passed seemingly endlessly. As she slept at night, she heard sounds from just a little away. Sounds like cow? moo cow? cow moo? moo moo cow? It wasn’t long, for seven days passed, and still no gravy. She’d lost her touch with sanity, and quickly called the first person she could, for help, specifically a mental hospital. “You must stop the demons!” She called out on the phone.