The Daily Bull
Transcription
The Daily Bull
AILY D ULL B The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... School Tries To Stop the Herds Wednesday, March 20, 2013 Post Spring Break Trauma Hits The Steaming Pile - Straight from You-Know-Where! Michigan Tech Campus by Corey Tindall ~ Daily Bull by Veronica Tabor ~ Daily Bull Michigan Tech has had an influx of something that not many people claim to enjoy. They come in, get in the way, populate the sororities, and worst of all, eat all of the food. I am talking, of course, about the not so majestic Snow Cow. Dozens of confused first-year students are roaming the halls of academic buildings this week, thinking that a new semester of school has begun. When asked why this confusion occurred, many of them cite the fact that there is still 3 feet of snow on the ground, so Christmas must have just been a few weeks ago, right? For this reason, the school has said that they will be creating different ways to capture these beasts to send them home as well as preventing them from coming here in the first place. Traps have been set around campus to identify snow cows and to capture them. “We are working tirelessly on this large (pun intended) problem and we have even recruited Blue Marble Security to help with the traps,” says Les Cook. ”The State of Michigan is threatening to not give us as much money because the average cholesterol on campus is higher than any other college, and we feel that these measures will bring us to at least 2nd highest cholesterol in the state.” Some of the traps will include certain spots with a camera that identifies height, weight, and gender and if the ratio isn’t good enough, the floor will fall out beneath them and they will be sent to California because “A California cow is a happy cow.” ...like 20 inches of snow! “When I was in high school, we would come back from spring break and there would be flowers blooming, sunshine every day, and it would be time to start wearing shorts. I come back from spring break here, and there is a white-out blizzard. I’m so hopelessly lost and confused!” Michigan Tech has had problems in the past dealing with PTSD, or Post Traumatic Snow Disorder, in new students. Many people that come to Tech believe that the stories of the terrifying weather that they hear are simply madeup to weed out those not prepared for a Michigan Tech education. Some may only bring a thin North Face fleece jacket and high-heeled boots and arm themselves with only a Starbucks latte to face the chills and ice of winter. Several of these types of students fall victim to the disorder each year. The bigger problem lies with the herds that pass through campus on almost a weekly basis. They normally get together at a sorority house and then walk around the city of Houghton, causing mass destruction and eating everything. “I suffered from Post Traumatic Snow Disorder my first year,” a 5th year senior tells us. “I quickly learned that spring break doesn’t mean that spring is going to come then, or any time during spring semester for that matter. It’s actually just winter break part 2.” see Draft Mode on back see Blind Pick on back The best part about Wednesday, is realizing that you’re halfway through hell. Things That Should Not Have Been Green (But Were) Semen Pubes Urine Ketchup My body Her nipples Eggs and Ham My teeth Lube Downvotes The sky Hand lotion Grass smoke Snow Blizzard The Husky The Lode The Portage Hamburger buns Glen Mroz’s golden boats Syphillis Blood Hookers and blow Gingers Windows 8 The Sun Albinos The school’s colors Black people White people Yellow people Brown people Red people Smurfs Morgan Freeman My bank account balance The Red Wings The Poor The former/new Pope Barack Obama Pokemon Yellow Tigers Rats with dicks THIS BIG The Dreaded Gum Disease Known as Gingivitis Pizzas Pizza Lovers Love! Daily Specials at www.thestudiopizza.com 10% Discount for All Students Downtown Hancock, across from Finlandia Buy One Medium Pizza, Get Another Medium for Half Price! www.thestudiopizza.com I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep. George Best 482-5100 from Draft Mode on front from Blind Pick on front “I don’t understand how there can be so much snow and it’s almost April?!” A firstyear student says as her eyes dart around frantically from snowbank to snowbank. “When does it go away? Why is it still so cold? I come from back home where it was in the 60’s all week, it’s as if I’ve gone back in time or something! This is January Weather!” “We’re sick of it!” says one local restaurant owner. “We cannot keep enough food in the shop to feed the locals!” For these herds, MTU has hired local high school students, who are bored, to ride their bikes/drive around with giant nets and to trap them out in the open. This is where people can laugh at the fact that they cannot roll over when flipped on their backs. To make sure that no more Snow Cows come to campus the school has created a test so they can show their worth. The test will include a 100 meter run, in which they have to complete in under 45 seconds, a jumping contest where their feet have to make it more than 3 inches off of the ground, and finally they will be rolled down a hill and will have to be able to stop themselves from making it down the whole hill. It was incredibly difficult to talk to one of these beasts and we had to lure them over to us with bacon to get them to answer. A typical blonde snow cow. The administration is still trying to figure out what the best procedure is to help these students. Many have suggested a yearly pre-spring break lecture to warn students, another possibility is to hire older students to guide the confused students from class to class. Whatever the solution may be, we are all holding out hope for these new students, that someday they will find the joy that we get from living in the UP…on purpose. THE STEERSEARCHER STATES! ALL THE STATES! Brought to you by Jeanine Chmielewski We asked a certain one that was able to talk through her mouth full of Little Debbie’s (because Hostess is dead, RIP), what she thought of the new rules that the school was making and the only thing she said was “Will there still be soft serve at the bottom of the trap doors?” When we replied with “Probably not,” she responded with a long, sorrowful “Moooooooo.” DailyBull.students.mtu.edu/ The Daily Bull Daily Bull Filmboard Presents DICTATOR V2.0 ZOMG COMP EDITOR MONOPOLY GUY Alec Hamer Jon “Big-O” Mahan Cameron Long BREAD WINNER Alex Dinsmoor SCRIBE Kara Bakowski ADVISOR David Snowdrift Olson Writers of Awesome: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Olivia Zajac, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Jeanine Chmielewski, Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks, Sam Schall, Veronica Tabor, Rico Bastian, Zachary Evans, Chase Peterson, Elise Conley, Ken Arndt, Corey Tindall, and a yooper scooper full of bodies. ©2013 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or articles without reason. All letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. All opinions presented are purely those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of the University or the Daily Bull. If you keep reading this small text, you will get cabin fever. The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper and toner costs. Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed to [email protected] Friday: 6:00, 8:30 and 11:00 PM Saturday: 6:00, 8:30 and 11:00 PM ALABAMA ALASKA ARIZONA ARKANSAS CALIFORNIA COLORADO CONNECTICUT DELAWARE FLORIDA GEORGIA HAWAII IDAHO ILLINOOIS INDIANA IOWA ISSOURI KANSAS KENTUCKY LOUISIANA MAINE MARYLAND MASSACHUSETTS MICHIGAN MINNESOTA MONTANA NEBRASKA NEVADA NEW HAMPSHIRE NEW JERSEY NEW MEXICO NEW YORK NORTH CAROLINA NORTH DAKOTA OHIO OKLAHOMA OREGON PENNSYLVANIA RHODE ISLAND SOUTH CAROLINA SOUTH DA- KOTA TENNESSEE TEXAS UTAH VERMONT VIRGINIA WASHINGTON WEST VIRGINIA WISCONSIN WYOMING
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