Daily Bull 2009-10-14

AILY
D
BUL L
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like suing Starbucks!
What would you think if I
walked up to you and said,
“Hello, I are Liz, I is a major on
math and me do minors in law
and society and my grades
is real gooder.” You’d probably first back away slowly
as I advanced, concerned
that an especially difficult assignment had left 45% of my
brain in a steaming heap not
unlike scrambled eggs. You
might then stop to ponder
why I was speaking so oddly
- mistaking myself for a plural
(yay, schizophrenia?), misusing prepositions, tacking on
extraneous suffixes, and neglecting adverbs.
If you don’t have a clue what
I just said, let me translate:
you thought I sounded like a
dumbass.
Obviously, Michigan Tech has
taken measures to ensure that
some standard of English proficiency is achieved among
its students; classes such as
Revisions and Perspectives
...see Grammar on back
A French scientist working at the European
Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN)
has been charged with destroying the €3
billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The
unnamed scientist was caught on CCTV
dropping a wrench into the works minutes
before the entire operation came to a
screeching, fiery halt.
“Son of a…” gasped project leader Lyn
Evans as she arrived at the smoldering
wreckage of the supercollider. “Now we’ll
never know whether the Higgs boson really exists. Nearly 15 years of work… all
for this. My dreams! I’m ruined!”
The 32-year-old man of Algerian decent
was detained while fleeing the country,
toolbag in hand. He was identified by
a missing 25mm spanner from his assortment, matching the wrench left at the
scene. INTERPOL agent William McCune
reports.
“Yup, he’s definitely the one. I’ve been
tracking handyman crooks for the past
several years, but this is the worst one
yet. Would you believe the spanner
survived just dandy? All those particles
and quasi-dimensional wormholes didn’t
even phase it. Craftsman makes some
fiiiine shit.”
French authorities have
interrogated the man, attempting to glean some information from
him on any links to other militants in
the area.
“Clearly a terrorist act as damaging and
horrific as this could not be staged by one
man. He must have some accomplices
who aided him along the way,” ponders
McCune at INTERPOL headquarters in
Lyon. “I wouldn’t doubt he’s in line with
the hardware store clerk who messed up
my living room paint. I asked for Gratifying
Green, not Enlightening Lime!”
CERN is at a loss of how to make up the
€3 billion loss, the largest scientific loss
since Chernobyl exploded after someone let loose a raccoon in the control
room. Without having completed a single
experiment, the particle accelerator also
is the biggest failure to hit the organization in years.
Evans, extremely frustrated at the destruction of her ‘baby,’ is at a loss for words.
“Finding that Higgs boson was going to
win me the Nobel Prize… that right there
is worth nearly a million euros. I could’ve
...see Explode on Failure on back
“Night night, knight,” said one knight to the
other knight the other night.
Straight from you-know-where!
Bad Places to Hide Your Porn
Your niece’s bedroom
On your shirt
Grandma’s email inbox
Stapled to homework
On your desk
/root
Your mantle
Your roommate’s drawers
In the Daily Bull
On a key ring
In a message in a bottle
In a box with a fox
Church pew (in the hymnal)
Babies’ diapers
The Oven
Monogrammed on your jacket
Billboard
Tattooed on your forehead
Cafeteria Tray
Attached to your resume
Under the mattress
Kids’ books
Research paper
Dissertation
Behind the Wallpaper
Photoshop project watermark
4chan
Cereal box
Lode inserts
Etched into your glasses
Painted on your nails
Shared Documents
Public Bathrooms
Travel Brochure
FTP Server
Hall Murals
Table Tents
Your girlfriend’s tramp stamp
Locket
In your roommate’s porn stash
Subliminal messages
Tattooed on your junk
Knitted into a scarf
Digital picture frame
JUMBOTRON
Coloring books
Window Stickies
Picnic Basket
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By Liz Fujita ~ Daily Bull
By Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller ~ Daily Bull
The Steaming Pile
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Me Talk English
Real Gooder
Al-Qaeda Terrorist Drops Wrench in
the Works, Blows Up LHC
���
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
It is not enough to succeed.
Others must fail.
~ Gore Vidal
“I hate to imagine what happened to
been living easy. Course, now I’m back the guys playing cards down in the tunto square one. Which is one. Haha! nel,” she added mournfully. “Vaporized
Get it! One squared! HAHA! MY LHC! probably.”
WHO DID THIS!?”
A tape released by Osama bin Laden
The suspect, whose identity is pro- claimed responsibility for the attack,
tected under French law, was seen citing that “those capitalist dogs and
Monday opening a hatch on one of their Higgs bosons can rot in hellfire.
the super-cooled magnets, drop- The western world will fall due to
ping a wrench in, and then ducking the inherent fallacies in their scientific
for cover as everything went haywire practices!”
around him.
“I’m not really sure what he meant by
CERN intern Mengya LI explains the all of that,” says Evans. “I’m pretty sure
panic as everyone escaped the un- those wacky Islamic extremists don’t
folding disaster around them.
have anything better than then scientific
method anyway.”
“One minute we were doing safety
checks prior to crossing the beams,
...Grammar from front
and the next emergency lights are flashing and a horn starts going, ‘awooga- try to teach us how to communicate
awooga,’ just like in the movies. At better than the average Neanderfirst I thought it was Fermilab playing thal. Nonetheless, the old stereotype
another joke on us, but when all the floods campus: engineers can’t write.
dials went bananas, I knew it was all What’s more, engineers in charge of
over. I high-tailed it out of there just things can’t write, and that, my friends,
is sickeningly ironic.
before the meltdown.”
Daily Bull
EDITOR IN CHIEF & BOSS MAN
Nathan “Invincible” Miller
FACULTY
ADVISOR
David Olson-ly
THE LITTLE COMP
EDITOR THAT COULD
Liz Fujita
IS TORTURING ME
Someone with
delicious food
BUSINESS
GUY
Ray Martens
Nathan “Invincible” Miller, Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks,
Simon Mused, Ray Martens, John Pastore, Brett Jenkins, Matt Villa,
Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia, Kiri Kennedy, Mike Lennon, Hylinn
Taggart, Benjamin Loucks, Tyler Botbyl, Lauren Allen, Jon “Big-O”
Mahan, Alec Hamer, Phil Pomber, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall
and Popeye the Sailor Man.
©2009 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles
may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided
credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the
right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All
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be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by
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creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions
in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you
keep reading this small text, you’ll get Spirited Away!
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buying our own damn printer that this publication
is printed on. We would also like to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper
and toner costs.
Advertising inquiries, questions &
comments should be directed to
[email protected]
I was wandering through the halls of
DHH not fifteen minutes ago when I
noticed a new posting on my hall bulletin board. The advertisement proclaimed that IRHC is having a raffle for
students with exceptional midterm
grades. The eye-catching banner asks:
HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GOOD IN
SCHOOL? Part of my soul died. Really,
IRHC?
You see, kids, “good” is an adjective.
We use them to describe nouns (aka,
people, places, things, and ideas).
For instance, I might say, “My dog is
fluffy,” “I have a gigantic wart,” or
“You have a gigantic fluffy wart that
you should get looked at.”
On the flip side, “well” is an adverb.
You use those to describe how a verb
Sunshine’s Searcher - Final Fantasy Bosses
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(see what I did there?) in order to
be entered. Doesn’t that seem fishy?
I guess if you have all satisfactory midterm grades, it won’t matter who sees,
but some people are excessively pri2 EMPEROR MATEUS
If 2weGOTUS
apply this newfound nugget of vate. Do they face exclusion from the
wisdom,
a sudden IRHC sounds oh-so-fabulous prizes because they
3 DARKall of
CLOUD
like
bit of a fraud, inviting students don’t feel like bragging?
3 aECHIDNA
to3enter
a raffle for smart, ever-so-literSCYLLA
ate
3 students
ZANDE when they can’t properly Sigh. I don’t know. Maybe the fact
speak
English. Oh, I’m eager to enter of the matter is that I’m just bitter be4 CINDY
your
raffle, all right. That would be like cause I’m a second year/sophomore/
4 LUNASAUR
joining
the military and watching as the junior by credits/various-other-arbi4 MINDY
person
teaching you how to fire a gun trary-statuses-they-assign-to-me – and
4 PLAGUE
I will never have the chance to win
shoots
a few rounds
4 PROTO
BABILinto his foot.
free pizza, gift cards, Michigan Tech
4 SANDY
Qualified,
huh?
paraphernalia, trips to attend a tap4 ZEROMUS
ing of Oprah, or whatever it is student
5 BIBLOS
Anyway,
if you feel the need to show organizations give away these days.
5 GILGAMESH
your
RA your midterm grades – wait, See, we non-freshmen don’t get mid5 GOGO
5 ISHINRYU
did
not mention? You have to show term grades to enter with. Oh, sorry. I
5 X-DEATH
your
RA that you have good grades mean, “with which to enter.”
1 CHAOS
1 KARY
1 KRAKEN
2 ASTEROTH
2 EMPEROR MATEUS
2 GOTUS
3 DARK CLOUD
3 ECHIDNA
3 SCYLLA
3 ZANDE
4 CINDY
4 LUNASAUR
4 MINDY
4 PLAGUE
4 PROTO BABIL
4 SANDY
4 ZEROMUS
5 BIBLOS
5 GILGAMESH
5 GOGO
5 SHINRYU
5 X-DEATH
6 ATMA WEAPON
6 CHUPON
6 DOOMGAZE
6 GODDESS
6 HIDON
6 KEFKA
6 MAGIMASTER
6 ULTROS
7 EMERALD
WEAPON
7 JENOVA
7 RUBY WEAPON
7 SEPHIROTH
7 ULTIMA WEAPON
8 CATOBLEPAS
8 EDEA
8 ELVORET
8 GRIEVER
8 OILBOYLE
8 OMEGA
WEAPON
8 RAIJIN & FUJIN
8 TIAMAT
8 ULTIMACIA
9 ANT LION
9 BLACK WALTZ
9 GARLAND
9 GIZMALDUKE
9 KUJA
9 OZMA
10 CHIMERAGEIST
10 CHOCOBO
EATER
10 EVRAE
10 LORD OCHU
10 NEMESIS
10 SEYMOUR
10 SIN
10 YUNALESCA
12 DOCTOR CID
12 HELL WYRM
12 UNDYING
12 VAYNE
12 VOSSLER
Brought to you by
Jeremy ‘Mr Sunshine’ Loucks
Bonus word pair (together) are the recurring characters in the series based on Star Wars, notably bosses in FF8.
Final Fantasy Bosses
...Explode on Failure from front
is1doing
what it is doing. To demonCHAOS
strate:
his stomach growled loudly.
1 KARY
He
his sandwich hurriedly. He
1 ate
KRAKEN
then
painfully threw up.
2 ASTEROTH
6 ATMA WEAPON
YOU. ME. DAILY BULL.
TONIGHT.
WALKER 144, 9:15.
BRING THE CASH, Y’SEE?