Daily Bull 2013-09-18

Daily
Bull
logorrhea (log-ah-REE-ah) n. - excessive, often incoherent talkativeness. “My World Cultures professor has a serious case of logorrhea... zzz...”
the
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
It’s not an ABC Family show until someone
gets pregnant
funambulist (fyoo-NAM-byah-list) n. - a tightrope walker. Have you seen all the funambulators between trees on campus funabulating?
omniumgatherum (OM-nee-um-GATH-er-um) n. a misc. collection; hodgepodge. Omniumgatherum is an omniumgatherum of letters.
Man Wonders Where Scandals Have Gone
by Alex Dinsmoor ~ Great Leader
New Bill To Ban Masturbation
While Driving
The Steaming Pile - Straight from YouKnow-Where!
by Elise Conley ~ Komandarm
TOLEDO - After years of scandal after scandal, a local man has wondered WASHINGTON - The habits of thousands of Ameri- Events That Didn’t Make It Into The Homecoming
what happened to the scandals he knew and loved. “It seems that for the can drivers could be changing as early as next year
Agenda
longest time that I could turn on any news channel and be appalledCSover
if
paperwork
filed
by
Sen.
Nathaniel
Ableton
(Rfunk continues to worsen in Rekhi; CDC to investigate health risks . . . . . Boy Scouts introduce ‘Bulky and Awkward Grocery Bag Carrying’ merit badge . . . . . Breaking news: exams still suck
what I was seeing. Politician sex scandals, financial scandals, everything. What NH) can gain traction in the Senate. The proposed IT condom giveaway (they’re
Red Cross Sperm Drive (“has
happened to it all?”
bill would ban two-handed masturbation while
science gone too far?”)
gonna fuck you)
behind
theresorting
wheel.
Bull still seeking
new recuirts,
to miserable and pathetic forms of begging . . . . . Mind Trekkers to take 150 volunteers to moon for alien outreach . . . . . TLP, Les Cook get hair cuts
Pro-life protesters
Venomous snake petting
Even media professionals have noticed the profound lack of scandals comMiley Cyrus concert
zoo
ing from all fronts. “It’s getting harder and harder to write jokes,” Jon Stewart “You need at least one hand to operate a motor
Mosh
pit
(that’s
until
Swimming
in
Glen
Mroz’s
Eng. senior already drinking in celebration of Winter Carnival . . . . . Study: ‘The’ U of M students have increased risk of stick-in-ass syndrome . . . . . That
Kid ruins
grading not
curve again
stated, “I can no longer make fun of politicians with multiple mistressesCivilor
vehicle,” Ableton told the Washington Post. “And
Carni)
money pool
celebrities doing illegal activities. It’s hurting not only our show, but many if you can’t take care of the rest of your business Free color printing party
Tuition reductions
other “news” sources across the country.”
just
one
hand, then
perhaps
shouldn’t
be9002: Techniques for Dividing
Area freshman with
still calling
it the
“Ee-Ee-Arr-Cee,”
no end
in sight . . . you
. . Math
dept. starts MA
to spell things right this
year; Bull skeptical
pre-season
:( by Zero . . . . . Lode vowsBroomball
driving.”
Cheerleader mud wrestling
Smelting with Carl Blair
Sources have reported that CNN has begun actually reporting on news stoMug wrestling (what?)
Invasion of Syria
ries that actually impact individuals and not just fluff stories. Anchors at the While Ableton’s proposal would ban only twoUniversity-sponsored Pitchers
Twerk-off
network have begun complaining that their jobs are becoming “less fun” now handed masturbation, others say they would like
FREE BEER
Circle-twerk
that they can’t talk about Anthony “Carlos Danger” Wiener’s wiener every to see an outright ban on self-pleasurement while
Lead-eating contest
Drunk moose wrangling
day.
in the driver’s seat. As such, some lawmakers fear
Career fair preparation
Meese taming
the bill could wither and die before it ever sees the
Mercury thermometer smashing
Sloth races
Murmurs from various sources online state that that there may in fact be light of day.
Steal the Bacon
50k walk race
groups forming whose purpose is to fabricate scandals for the enjoyment
A real parade
Halftime streaker races
of the population. “Everyone loves a good scandal,” one anonymous com- “One hand or two, jacking off while driving is danSausage burying
Midterm study party
menter posted, “so it just makes sense to provide the population with them gerous,” said Sen. Arthur Maximillian (D-MT). “It
Meth cook-off
Free parking raffle
when those we elect into office cannot fulfill our needs.” In the same thread, takes someone’s attention away from the road for
No pants party
Golden boat races
the commenter later on calls for a “porn featuring a sitting senator” to spice those precious seconds when the feeling of ela- Cardboard submarine races
Goat fucking
up the scandal scene.
tion rushes through your loins.
Library bonfire
see Emily on back
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“And if you aren’t paying attention, the results can
be devastating,” said Maximillian. “And messy.”
Many states have laws that ban negligent driving,
which technically covers any driving behavior that
could endanger other people or property. Howsee Naomi on back
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be
lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
--Friedrich Nietzsche
from Emily on front
from Naomi on front
Representatives from the Democratic and Republican leaderships oppose
public opinion by commending elected individuals for their “clean slates”
over the past few months. “It’s always great to see our leaders living clean
and healthy lifestyles,” House majority leader John Boehner (R-OH) stated,
“having a positive life balance has always been something that Republicans
and Democrats will always agree on.”
ever, the legislature has been hesitant in the past to put specific restrictions
on any sexual activity conducted within the confines of a vehicle during operation.
“Listen, our lawmakers are quite cognizant of the hypocritical factor,” said one
senator’s aide who spoke to The Daily Bull on the condition of anonymity.
“So as this bill gains public momentum, I think you’re going to find more and
more Congressman moving out of their vehicles and into public restrooms.
“Really, it’s just smart politics,” the aide added.
A similar measure making its way through the House of Representatives seeks
a total ban on such sexual practices for teenage drivers, easing back to one
hand at age 21 and totally removing any restriction by age 25.
TMZ reporters have been working non-stop to dig up any and all dirt possible on anyone they can find, but it seems that asides from rampant twerking,
everyone has been for the most part clean. “We know they’re hiding something,” a TMZ reporter told The Bull, “but they’re hiding it pretty damn well.”
THE STEERSEARCHER
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