- A New Hope Center

Are You Under Your Partner’s
Control?
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My partner makes me feel like I never do anything right. Nothing is
ever good enough.
My partner makes me feel like I’m not supporting and loving enough.
My partner dislikes the way I cook, clean, dress, make love, carry
myself in public.
My partner never gives me positive support. Even compliments are
backhanded: “This is the first good dinner you’ve cooked in months.”
When I confide my insecurities, my partner tells me I’m a baby and I
need to grow up and join the real world.
My partner calls me names: dummy, whore, cunt, bitch, stupid, crazy,
fat, weak, lazy.
My partner is always correcting things I say or do; only my partner can
do things right.
Whenever we are with family and friends, I’m on pins and needles
because I expect to be humiliated about something I’ve done.
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If I’m five minutes late, I’m afraid my partner will be mad.
My partner expects me to read their mind and is furious when I
can’t or won’t.
Living with my partner is nerve-wracking because I never know
what will set them off.
When I do anything “wrong” my partner blows their top and then
refuses to speak to me.
My partner withdraws into silence, and I have to figure out what
is wrong.
My partner gets very depressed and I have to work very hard to
cheer them up.
My partner threatens to tell Social Services that I’m an unfit parent
if I don’t do what they want.
My partner says they’ll never let me leave them.
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My partner doesn’t like it if I’m away from home because they say
they worry about me too much.
My partner is jealous when I talk to new people.
My partner often phones or unexpectedly comes by the place I
work to see if I’m “okay.”
My partner does the shopping so I don’t have to go out.
My partner says I don’t ever have to work because they’ll take
care of me.
My partner takes me to work and picks me up so my co-workers
won’t get any “ideas.”
My partner encourages me to take drugs with them so we can
share the high.
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My partner acts very cruelly and then says I’m too sensitive and can’t take a
joke.
My partner promises to do things, breaks promises, then says they never
promised in the first place.
My partner causes big scenes in public and at family gatherings, and when I
confront them about it, they accuse me of exaggerating or making the whole
thing up.
My partner shows excessive interest in my emotional life and tries to convince
me that I need to see a psychiatrist. By contract, they are fine.
My partner says I’m always imagining things.
My partner hits me and then asks how I got hurt.
My partner makes me cry and then tells me I’m hysterical.
My partner asks me why I upset myself so much.
My partner says they can help me fix my character defects and gets me to list
what’s wrong with me.
When I try to have a serious talk with my partner, they say, “there you go
again. Calm down.”
My partner treats me as though I’m overly upset when I’m not.
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My partner expects me to drop my activities whenever they want my
attention, but never pays that kind of attention to me.
When I try to talk, my partner constantly interrupts me, twists my
words, and forgets what I just said.
My partner never helps me when I am ill or the children are sick. Or
they promise to help me and then forget or don’t have the time.
When I want to resolve a problem, my partner has changed the
subject before I even realize it.
My partner shows up unannounced whenever they want to, or fails to
show up when they said they would, so it’s hard for me to make any
plans.
When my partner wants to go out on their own, they do; I can’t
because I have other responsibilities my partner does not help with.
When I try to express my opinion about anything, my partner doesn’t
respond, walks away or makes fun of me.
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My partner has to have the last word.
I think we’ve reached an agreement about something, and then
my partner goes out and does just the opposite.
If I bring up some decision my partner made but didn’t consult
me about, they ask why I’m harping on something that’s already
been decided.
My partner says some subjects are not open to discussion.
My partner says that it’s their responsibility to make the decisions
for the family.
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I can’t get information about our financial situation. My partner says I
have enough to do without being bothered by financial decisions, or
that I wouldn’t understand it anyway.
I have to account for every dime I spend and also figure out how to
make ends meet.
My partner spends money on whatever they want. They get angry
and blame me when they need money and there’s none left.
My partner won’t give me a household allowance so whenever I need
money I have to ask for it.
My partner says that with all they do for me, I ought to be glad to
support them financially.
My partner gives me everything I want, but always reminds me I
could never live so well without them.
My partner doesn’t work. I am responsible for all of the household
finances, yet my partner still makes me account for all the money and
gets angry with me when we don’t have enough money.
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If I tell my partner they are too bossy and critical, they tell me I’m
immature. We always end up picking apart my personality.
My partner says they can’t stay clean and sober because they have
to put up living with me.
My partner says that if I ever leave, they’ll kill themselves and I’ll
be responsible.
My partner lost their job and blame me for it. Now they refuse to
work.
My partner says they wouldn’t go after other men/women so
much if I kept myself up better.
My partner says they would take me out more if I weren’t so
stupid, embarrassing, etc.
My partner says they are always good natured with other people,
so it must be what I do that makes them lose control of
themselves.
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When I want to go out, my partner gets moody or starts a fight.
My partner doesn’t like me to spend time with my family, with or
without them.
My partner tells me I never give them enough of my time or
energy, that I care more for my friends or family than I do for
them.
Although my partner doesn’t say it directly, I think they want me
to ask permission before I go somewhere.
My partner grills me about what happened whenever I go out.
My partner accuses me of having affairs.
My partner made me late for work so many times, I started to
have trouble at work or lost my job.
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My partner blocks the door so I can’t leave during an argument.
My partner scares me when they are angry by standing very close
to me and getting in my face.
When we argue, I’m sometimes afraid of what my partner might
do, so I stop arguing.
My partner drives recklessly whenever they’re angry with me and
it scares me.
My partner throws things around and breaks things.
My partner destroys my clothes and my favorite things.
My partner refuses to leave when I ask them to.
My partner won’t let me sleep sometimes.
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My partner pressures me to have sex in ways that make me
uncomfortable.
My partner makes sexual jokes about me in front of other people.
My partner makes fun of or criticizes my body.
My partner tries to seduce my friends and family members.
My partner forces me to dress in ways they think are “sexy” but
that make me feel uncomfortable.
My partner compares me to people in pornographic magazines
and videos.
My partner tells dirty jokes that are degrading to me and to
women in general.
My partner grabs at certain parts of my body that make me feel
uncomfortable.
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My partner throws things at me.
My partner hits the wall or table.
My partner smashed my phone.
My partner beats my head against the wall.
My partner chokes me.
My partner kicks me.
My partner shoves and pushes me.
My partner hits me.
My partner forces me to have sex with them.
My partner forces me to have sex with others or to watch them
have sex with others.
My partner threatens me with objects or weapons.
My partner hurts me and then won’t let me go to a doctor or
hospital.