BAD REPORTER 02_06_16 SUPER BOWL 50 ACTUAL Final
Transcription
BAD REPORTER 02_06_16 SUPER BOWL 50 ACTUAL Final
In beautiful Santa San FranClara! Don Asmussen SUPER BOWL IIIIIIIIII I’m all IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII yours! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (50) $MMMMCCCL I’m all yours! Limited Edition Levi’s SB 50 sports jacket: SPECIAL Limited Edition Levi’s Pay to Play S.F. Mayor: FUN SUPER BOWL FACTS USING ROMAN NUMERALS! (Under investigation) Number of miles between game, S.F.: XLVI (46) Number of dollars per ticket: MMMMMCC ($5,200) Number of hidden homeless people: MMMI (3,001) Number of NFL concussions in 2015: CCLXXI (271) Number of dollars made by NFL: MMMMMMMMMCCCCCCLLLL Costs to S.F. taxpayers: L (Not 50, just Loser!) $CCCXCV III ($398) EDITION SUPER BOWL 50 FACT: Yes, Super Bowl 50 will hit S.F. with $5 MILLION in hosting costs, but did you know the manure needed to resurface LEVI STADIUM’s field is being processed from Mayor Ed Lee’s excuses for not charging the NFL? Mayor’s Statements Granulated for Playing Field Soil experts noticed that Mayor Ed Lee’s various excuses for not asking for NFL compensation for hosting Super Bowl 50 contained many of the nutrients in the manure needed to improve the poor playing field at Levi’s Stadium (saving over $49.09). Levi’s Stadium FACT: Mayor Lee’s inability to remember why he didn’t ask the NFL for money has been traced to head trauma sustained from repetitive nodding to Roger Goodell’s requests ... Mayor’s Concussion From Nodding to NFL When Mayor Ed Lee agreed to get rid of the city’s homeless and restructure Muni bus wires in quick succession, his brain may have impacted his skull. Ed Lee’s brain YES YES Horizontal mixer Squeezing granulator FACT: Those “Super Bowl 50” statues all over our city are VERY REPULSIVE, but did you know they’re filled with CANDY COINS to lure the homeless away from SUPER BOWL CITY? During Super Bowl week, EVERYBODY’S a winner! Tear statue here NFL Donates Over 600 Candy Coins to Homeless Realizing the homeless have little need for real money, the NFL has placed 12 statues, each filled with 50 candy coins, around the city to feed our needy! S Y COIN D N A C E 50 FRE NFL Commish Roger Goodell Screening machine FACT: In an effort to prove that SUPER BOWL 50 is the “most giving Super Bowl ever,” the Panthers’ All-Pro quarterback offers to help a growing Bay Area problem. Cam Newton Starts ‘CAM for CAMS’ Charity* CAM CAMS F O R *For every concussion that occurs during Super Bowl 50, the NFL will donate $50 to BART in their efforts to make all BART cams functional! [email protected]