The Executive and the Elephant: A Leader`s Guide for Building Inner

Transcription

THE
EXECUTIVE
AND
A LEADER’S GUIDE TO BUILDING INNER EXCELLENCE
THE
ELEPHANT
RI CHA R D L . DA FT
THE EXECUTIVE
AND THE
ELEPHANT
a leader’s guide for building
inner excellence
•
Richard L. Daft
Copyright © 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Daft, Richard L.
The executive and the elephant : a leader’ guide for building inner excellence /
Richard L. Daft.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 978-0-470-37226-5 (hardback); 978-0-470-63661-9 (ebk);
978-0-470-63667-1(ebk); 978-0-470-63668-8(ebk);
1. Leadership. I. Title.
BF637.L4D34 2010
658.4’092—dc22
2010013839
Printed in the United States of America
first edition
HB Printing
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Contents
•
Preface
Acknowledgments
vii
ix
PART ONE
The Two Selves
1. The Problem of Managing Yourself
The Conflict Between Knowing and Doing
The Universal Failure of Willpower
The Divided Self: Executive and Elephant
Learning to Lead from Your Inner Executive
Purpose of This Book
2. Recognize Your Two Selves
Levels of Consciousness
Two Voices Within
Why Your Mind Is Filled with Automatic Thoughts
Unfocused Elephant Mind Versus Focused Executive Presence
Small Box Versus Large Mind
3
15
PART TWO
Ways You May Mislead or Delude Yourself
3. Three Tendencies That Distort Your Reality
Your Internal Judge
Your Internal Magician
Your Internal Attorney
37
iii
iv
contents
4. Every Leader’s Six Mental Mistakes
Reacting Too Quickly
Inflexible Thinking
Wanting Control
Emotional Avoidance and Attraction
Exaggerating the Future
Chasing the Wrong Gratifications
52
PART THREE
How to Start Leading Yourself
5. Engage Your Intention
Visualize Your Intention
Verbalize Your Intention
71
6. Follow Through on Your Intentions
Write Down Your Intentions
Set Deadlines
Design Tangible Mechanisms
90
7. Calm Down to Speed Up
Get Connected
Let It Happen
Sit by Your Problem
Relax Your Body
Calm Your Elephant by Acting the Part or Making
a Gentle Request
107
8. Slow Down to Stop Your Reactions
Stop and Think
Stop Interrupting
Detach from Your Emotions and Impulses
Just Say No
Employ Punishment
125
PART FOUR
Become Aware of Your Inner Resources
9. Get to Know Your Inner Elephant
Know Yourself
147
contents
v
Solicit Feedback
Take Advantage of a Setback
10. Expand Your Awareness
Review the Day
Contemplate Creatively
162
PART FIVE
Reach for the Heights
11. Sharpen Your Concentration
Focus Your Attention
Focus on Means, Not Ends
Slow Down, Look, and Listen
Focus on People
177
12. Develop Your Witness
Turn Inward to Develop Your Witness
Use Radical Self-Inquiry
Who Am I?
192
13. Reprogram Yourself
Repeat a Mantra
Prayer May Help, but Not the Way You Think
209
14. Mend Your Mind with Meditation
Why Meditate?
An Easy Way to Start
Two Essentials
Mindfulness Meditation
Try Visual Rather Than Verbal
Contemplative Meditation
223
PART SIX
Can You Lead from a People Frame of Reference?
15. Change Your Frame to See People
What Is Your Frame?
From Leading Objects to Leading Humans
How to Change Your Frame
243
vi
contents
16. Change Your Frame to Ask Questions
From Answering Questions to Asking Questions
In All Things, Consult
261
17. Living and Leading from Your Inner Executive
Higher Consciousness Revisited
When Her Mind Went Quiet
Answers to Individual Questions
Final Thoughts
275
Notes
About the Author
Exercise Index
Index
294
311
313
317
Preface
•
although i didn’t know it at the time, this book on inner excellence
began on my first trip to India. I felt a calling to learn about spirituality,
and where better to start than India? Sitting on an ashram, reading
and studying deep ideas, and trying to meditate were jolting changes
in paradigm for me, as were the hot days and cold showers. At times
my head almost hurt as I tried to integrate what I was learning in the
East with concepts from the West; the spiritual and academic were not
blending easily. Gurus from Eastern traditions did research into the mind
by focusing on the mental dynamics within their inner world; Western
social science focused on understanding other people in the outer world.
Both lines of inquiry were sincerely searching for the truth, but in opposite
directions. It took me a while, and multiple trips to India, to assimilate
lessons derived from within into the lessons from the outer world with
which I was more familiar.
As I absorbed a new way of thinking, a key discovery for me was the
Eastern concept of using Buddhi or ‘‘intellect’’ as a mental mechanism to
guide one’s life, rather than living a life helplessly surrendered to one’s
senses, desires, and self-interest. As I began to comprehend this somewhat
separate and higher way of thinking, I started seeing similar concepts in
the West. The notion that people have two selves or two thinking processes now seemed to appear all around me, along with the nagging problem of how to regulate or manage one’s emotions, impulses, and fears.
Many people were asking questions about how to focus their restless mind
and energy, how to avoid distractions, and how to manage themselves to
lead or live more effectively. I saw a great deal of interest and inquiry from
both psychology and neuroscience in self-regulation and in the extent to
which people had so-called free will or were governed by unconscious
desires and thought processes. In psychology, the higher part is characterized by conscious or metacognitive thought processes that are distinct
from the nonconscious or simple cognitive processes. In neuroscience,
vii
viii
preface
the higher part is called the executive function in the brain’s prefrontal
cortex, and the lower part includes the rest of the nervous system.
In some sense, the two parts of the mind are not very complicated.
One part is quick and impulsive, and at times its restless urges are
too strong to control. This part wants immediate gratification; it has a
short attention span and a childlike stubbornness in defending its own
positions. The other part is slower and wiser, humble, determined; it
doesn’t overreact to things, and keeps the larger purpose in mind. I had
my own issues finding more of the slow and steady within me to replace
the reactive and restless. I researched and experimented with many
techniques from East and West that would develop the part of my mind
that could manage my own behavior.
This book is about the how, not the what, of improving your leadership.
Changing one’s personal habits or leadership style is not easy. Where
do you go for help? There are hundreds of books on leadership that
tell people what they should do as leaders. These books offer excellent
advice, such as the five leadership principles, seven habits, ten timeless
principles, fifteen secrets, and twenty-one irrefutable laws, all of which
have value for readers. In contrast, my purpose in this book is not to give
you another list of what makes a good leader but to provide the how of
changing and improving yourself into the leader you want to be and can
be. This book offers specific exercises and practices that show you how to
start managing yourself to become more effective as a person and a leader.
When I started using these ideas to teach MBA students and managers
how to strengthen their intellect, they reported back some progress
in changing themselves. One problem was that people had a hard time
identifying with their own conscious and unconscious minds. Things took
off after I adopted simple names for the two parts. Participants in my
classes and programs then really seemed to get it. The names that stuck
were inner executive for the higher part (intellect) and inner elephant for
the lower. Students started using the terms to describe themselves and
their behavior. A few executives took the terms back to their workplaces
as a point of reference to help people understand and transcend their less
functional behavior. These notions had practical value, so the remaining
challenge for me was to write up the ideas and practices in book form.
The final tally is that I am now living within a different paradigm and
have experienced modest success teaching these ideas and practices to
others. Pursuing inner excellence has certainly changed me. I hope some
aspects of this paradigm of two parts within your mind will help you
develop the higher part of you on your journey to becoming a better leader,
spouse, parent, friend, colleague, or employee, along with greater focus on
and satisfaction in whatever endeavors in which you engage. Your inner
excellence is waiting for you to claim it. Why not get started now?
Acknowledgments
•
writing a book seems to me at the start like a solitary exercise
accomplished through individual will. Soon it becomes clear that writing
a book cannot proceed without the support and involvement of many
people and organizations. On the academic side, I am deeply grateful for
three books that helped me see the two selves clearly and understand
how they worked. These books elevated my belief that the book I wanted
to write was possible, and each of these books was so well conceived and
crafted that I had an ideal to shoot for in my own writing:
Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth
in Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic Books, 2006)
Timothy D. Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2002)
Marilee C. Goldberg, The Art of the Question: A Guide to ShortTerm Question-Centered Therapy (Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 1997)
Many people and writings helping me understand Eastern spiritual
insights into the mind and how to train the mind. The Santa Fe Buddhist satsang discussions provided wonderful guidance and instruction
as I started my inquiry. The Diamond Heart books and programs helped
expand my thinking to include Sufi wisdom mixed with Gestalt psychology. Later, I was profoundly influenced by the teachings and writings of
Sathya Sai Baba, Ramana Maharshi, Joel S. Goldsmith, and A Course
in Miracles. The writings of Eckhart Tolle were extremely helpful for
showing how big spiritual concepts translate into everyday life. I want
to specifically thank Sharda Madagula for guiding me through A Course
in Miracles and introducing me to the publications of Joel S. Goldsmith, Mina Menon for hosting the Sai study circle at her home, and
S. Mahadevan for his expert facilitation of the Bhagavad Gita discussion
group. Participants in each of these discussion groups and programs
ix
x
acknowledgments
made many contributions to my thinking, for which I will always be
thankful.
For helping me refine personal improvement practices for leaders and
professionals, I owe an extraordinarily large debt to the MBA and
Executive MBA students who willingly participated in my coaching
experiments here at Vanderbilt, and to the executives who attended
my leadership programs and provided feedback from their experiences.
I want to point out that MBA students are in their middle to late twenties,
and Executive MBA students are typically in their thirties and forties.
These students have substantial work experience and much experience as
managers and leaders. They are practical minded rather than theoretical.
Students in several classes tried experiments at my behest and provided
feedback on what worked and did not work. I could not have written the
book without their feedback on the exercises and practices. I am deeply
grateful for their honesty about very personal issues. I have disguised
their identities by using fictitious names and by sometimes altering the
context of their experiences to protect their privacy.
I am also grateful to the Bridgestone/Firestone global development
classes of worldwide senior managers, TVA’s Leadership and Management for Accelerated Performance, Aegis Technologies, Oak Ridge
National Laboratory, and a federal government agency for allowing me
to test these ideas on their managers. Also, Michael Ray of Stanford
University sent me exercises that he developed for his MBA classes.
I appreciate Michael’s generosity for letting me adapt several of the
exercises for my classes.
Here at Vanderbilt, I especially thank Dean Jim Bradford, Owen
Graduate School of Management, for his continuing support for this
project, and for suggesting a quotation used in Chapter One. I also thank
associate deans Bill Christie and Don Iacobucci for not overloading me
with administrative projects, and associate dean Tami Fassinger for her
enthusiastic support of my roles in executive teaching and as EMBA group
doctor. I feel special appreciation for my assistant, Barbara Haselton, for
her excellent and prompt support, especially her continuous filing and
refiling that helped me find things and gave me time to write. I am also
grateful to Pat Lane, my editorial associate, for her work researching
some pieces of this book and for her outsized contributions to other
books, freeing me for this project. Members of my academic group also
were interested and supportive. Ranga Ramanujam suggested readings
and provided helpful insights. Tim Vogus used a coaching model to
teach his MBA classes, so our discussions provided valuable insights for
me. I also owe an intellectual debt to other colleagues in my group at
Vanderbilt: Bruce Barry, Ray Friedman, Neta Moy, Rich Oliver, David
acknowledgments
xi
Owens, and Bart Victor. I am also grateful for the superb service from
our library, with special thanks to Laura Norris and Rahn Huber, who
responded instantly to my many requests.
The people at Jossey-Bass also contributed significantly. Kathe
Sweeney, acquisitions editor, signed this book and showed faith and
patience for a project that was hard for me to describe. Kathe also
brought together an excellent team. Alan Schrader was frank and very
helpful for structuring the book’s content into a logical sequence and for
identifying elements that could be omitted. Anonymous reviewers also
provided excellent feedback along with a number of suggestions that
I adopted. My thanks also to Rob Brandt, Joanne Clapp Fullagar, and
Michele Jones.
With my family I experienced the full duality of solitude and support.
I spent endless hours isolated in my office, trying to keep my inner
elephant on point, while also missing human contact. My wife, Dorothy
Marcic, understood the message I was trying to communicate and was
unwavering in her encouragement. Dorothy, along with my daughters
Roxanne, Solange, and Elizabeth, were enthusiastic about the book
and provided materials and insights about practices used in the Bahá’ı́
faith. My daughters Danielle and Amy expressed encouragement for
the book, and occasionally served as guinea pigs for a self-management
technique or suggested a new exercise or practice they had discovered
and found helpful.
To my wife, Dorothy Marcic,
For insisting that this book must be written and that
I was the only person who could write it, and for her
unrelenting encouragement to do so
PART ONE
•
The Two Selves
•
1
•
The Problem of
Managing Yourself
I am dragged along by a strange new force. Desire and reason
are pulling in different directions. I see the right way
and approve it, but follow the wrong.
—Medea
He that would govern others should first be the master
of himself.
—Philip Massinger
bob was head of a corporate manufacturing division located in
East Tennessee. Because his division was relatively small, Bob made all
the hiring decisions himself. After receiving feedback from corporate
and reading books about the importance of delegation, Bob realized
his deficiency and made a pact with himself to engage others in key
decisions. Calling in the sales director, Bob asked him to meet with
several candidates for the customer service rep position and make the
hire. Three weeks later, that director brought his top choice to Bob’s
office, along with an offer letter for Bob to approve. Dumbstruck, Bob
mumbled that he wanted to meet the final three candidates himself. He
was unable to go along with the director’s choice, as he felt no rapport
3
4
the executive and the elephant
with the woman or her thin resume. After meeting the other candidates,
Bob hired the man at the bottom of the director’s list. No matter how
badly he wanted to delegate the decision, Bob could not let go. No matter
how much Bob wanted the director to hire his own person, something
compelled Bob to make the decision himself. ‘‘My mind has a mind of
its own,’’ he said. The decision was a disaster both for the now resentful
director and for the new customer service rep. It was no surprise when
both quit within six months.
Bob was experiencing an internal struggle with himself that he had
neither explicitly acknowledged nor ever discussed before. Bob did see
that he had failed to lead himself to do what he had promised himself
to do. He somehow chose the unwanted controlling behavior over his
intended delegation behavior.
•••
Martha was a young sales manager for an advertising agency. She was
fairly new at the advertising firm and was promoted to sales manager
after her boss abruptly resigned. Martha inherited a difficult employee
who was a strong producer but whose competitiveness caused resentment
among other team members. The difficult employee’s behavior seemed to
get worse after inexperienced Martha took over. She said her intention
to correct the employee was like ‘‘getting in my car to go east and the car
insisted on going west, and I couldn’t do anything about it.’’ Martha did
the right thing by getting her facts together and scheduling a meeting.
‘‘As I broached the subject of the prima donna’s behavior, his reaction
was defensive, and I backed down.’’ That was her car turning toward
California. ‘‘My sense of empathy or my desire to please others overrode
my ability to be assertive and provide strong direction for him.’’ She was
clearly disappointed in herself. ‘‘I missed my chance. I later tried giving
him ‘motherly’ advice, but he did not change.’’ Martha’s vivid image of
her car turning in the opposite direction against her wishes illustrates the
gap between her intention and action. A part of Martha knew what to
do, but the other part would not comply.
•••
An obvious question is, why are these leaders not behaving as they
intended? They had the right idea each time, but somehow sidetracked
themselves into undesired behavior. It is a puzzle why leaders choose
unwise behavior when they are often aware of a smarter choice. That
puzzle is the focus of this book.
the problem of managing yourself
5
The Conflict Between Knowing and Doing
Kings, heads of government, and corporate executives have control
over thousands of people and endless resources, but often do not have
mastery over themselves. From a distance, larger-than-life leaders may
look firmly in control of their businesses and their personal behavior.
What about up close? Personal mastery is a difficult thing. For example,
can you think of any politicians in recent years whose personal behavior
was revealed as opposite to their espoused values? Or consider Fortune
magazine’s article a few years ago about why CEOs fail.1 The records
of thirty-eight ineffective CEOs revealed that all were good at cognitive
stuff—vision, strategy, ideas, and the like. Things broke down during
execution. The CEOs’ behavior did not follow through on their thoughts
and words. Action did not follow intention. Things as simple as sitting
too long on decisions, not confronting underperforming subordinates,
or not delivering on commitments ended up harming the company. The
CEOs had plausible excuses, but it seemed clear that their actual behavior
did not reflect their stated intentions. They seemed to know what to do
but were not doing it.
Have you ever had a clear intention and then failed to follow through?
Jeff Pfeffer and Bob Sutton wrote a book called The Knowing-Doing
Gap, in which they described the many ways in which corporate talk
substituted for corporate action.2 The same gap exists for individuals.
I think that all managers and professional employees know what they
should be doing, how to do it, and why they should do it. We know or
can figure out the correct thing to do. Yet often we do not act accordingly.
Our intentions and behaviors often refuse to align. In my consulting and
executive teaching, I have come across dozens and dozens of internal
conflicts between knowing and doing. One part of a manager wants to
do one thing; another part wants to do something else.
I put off writing my monthly report until the last day every time, said
the publisher of a food magazine. This procrastination drove him crazy
because he could not understand or control it. He finished most other
tasks on time, and the last-minute pressure on the report was extremely
unpleasant. Each month he tried to start the column earlier, but failed
to do so.
I often tell my direct reports I will do something and then I don’t
follow through. This bank manager did not know why she made casual
promises she did not keep. The bad habit extracted a price in annoyed
and frustrated direct reports, and they let her know about it. She was
genuine in her intention each time she made a promise, but something
often got in the way of follow-through.
6
I am reluctant to recognize and celebrate people’s accomplishments.
Why make a fuss over people doing what they are supposed to do?
Celebrating accomplishments was a blind spot for this plant manager.
He did not ‘‘get it’’ about the value of public praise and recognition.
From others he had gradually learned that he ‘‘should’’ provide verbal
recognition, but was slow doing so.
Listening is my biggest fault. Shortly after someone comes into my
office, I tune out and start to think about e-mails. People who visited
with this utility manager complained when he worked on e-mails while
they talked. He tried to pay attention, but he typically lost the struggle
after five minutes or so—a habit he believed made him a less effective
manager. Why did he not listen to people when he believed that was the
right thing to do?
I am mentally critical of others. I point out their flaws and failures. I am
just trying to help people, but they do not appreciate it. Most managers
do not realize that their thoughts toward others are disproportionately
negative, so give this engineer some credit for seeing his own criticalness.
He understood and admitted to his negative bias, but he did not know
how to change it. He said he wanted to soften his critical approach, but
never did.
Something will tick me off and I react. Often it is something small and
then I have a mess. I know it would be better to hear the other side of
the story before reacting, but I don’t do it. This manager was a weekend
Executive MBA (EMBA) student who reacted sharply and negatively
to an e-mail I sent to fifty students in the class reminding them about
a deadline. He took it personally and sent me an angry e-mail. When
I called him, he apologized when we discussed the reason behind his
e-mail. As we talked, he told me a story of recently calling a direct report
into his office and accusing her after hearing a customer complaint. He
was later chagrined to learn that the complaint was not valid. He said he
understood there were two sides to every story and that the impact of his
reactions on direct reports could be devastating. He wanted to change,
but continued to overreact.
What is going on with these managers? Have they no self-discipline or
willpower to be better leaders? Are they mentally weak or lazy? Do they
lack resolve? I appreciate their stated desire to do right, but their behavior
looks stupid because they admit to doing the wrong thing when they
know the better choice. They are caught in something within themselves
that they do not understand or know how to manage.
The big challenge in leadership is not in figuring out what to do but
in actually doing the thing you know will produce great results. The
7
challenge is learning to lead yourself to do what needs doing when it
needs doing. Personal mastery aligns your behavior with your intention,
and it is far, far harder to achieve than it looks.
The Universal Failure of Willpower
The behavior of these managers does not seem so unusual when you
consider the failure of willpower in everyday life. I gave my MBA class
an assignment to change something about themselves over a period of
three weeks, and several students opted for healthier eating habits. One
in particular decided to give up sodas. Ten days into the project, he was
invited to a friend’s house for pizza. The smell and taste of the pizza
made him crave a soda ‘‘more than I have ever craved something in my
life. There was something in my mind that directly linked the pizza with
the soda, and the link was so strong I could not resist it.’’ One part of
him lost out to the other part. Personal resolve and willpower lost out
to desire. This student was not alone. Most of the MBA students failed
in their quest to improve themselves during the three weeks, and the
remainder faded shortly after the assignment ended.
I have my own failures. One evening over dinner, I told my wife I
was going to use the free evening to grade papers. Getting those papers
finished would feel good and be a win-win for me and my students.
With grading finished, I would have the next morning free to prepare
for class, and I would be able to return the graded papers in class. As I
left the dinner table, something pulled me toward the sofa in the living
room to rest for a few minutes. Without my realizing it, my right hand
reached for the remote and turned on the TV. ‘‘But I want to grade
papers,’’ a part of me protested. Dancing with the Stars was on, so I
decided to watch it and then for sure I would grade papers. After thirty
minutes, something pulled me out to the kitchen for a snack despite my
not being hungry. I did not want that ice cream, but I ate it anyway.
When the program finished, I noticed that American Idol was on next.
The part of me that wanted to watch it was stronger than the part of
me that wanted to grade papers. Grading papers would be much more
satisfying than watching TV, but I lost the argument. Finally, late at
night, I started grading papers, and then I got up early in the morning to
finish them. Despite losing sleep, I was unable to finish the papers before
I had to prepare for class. The students did not get their papers back
in class. My mind had a mind of its own. My ‘‘stupid’’ behavior won
out over my good intentions. My inner excellence was not at the level
I would have liked.
8
Perhaps there is comfort in finding esteemed company in the failures
of intention. Here is what the Apostle Paul said about himself:
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want,
but I do the very thing I hate. For I know that nothing good dwells
within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot
do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is
what I do.3
‘‘Everyone has the same amount of self-discipline, almost none,’’ says
Jim Loehr, a sports psychologist who runs a corporate athlete program
that is popular with Wall Street executives and others.4 People mistakenly
think they can change their lives if they just try harder and summon
enough willpower. It seldom happens. Just ask Opera Winfrey. She got
her weight down to 160 pounds four years ago. Now she is back up to
200 pounds. ‘‘I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I let the wagon fall on me,’’
she wrote in O magazine.5 Something like two-thirds of weight lost by
dieting is regained within a year, 90-plus percent within two years, and
over 99 percent in five years.6 What is the delusion that makes people
persist in buying weight-loss books and believing this time they will lose
weight? Of course, their hopes are no more foolish than the 90 percent
of owners of health club memberships and exercise machines who do not
exercise. Their good intentions led to a purchase but not to new behavior.
Personal resolve apparently is not enough to change a bad habit, even
with impending death to focus the mind and motivate action. Several
studies of patients who underwent coronary bypass surgery and were
given doctor’s orders to change their diet and lifestyle to extend their life
found that only about one in ten people adopted healthier day-to-day
habits, such as proper diet and exercise.7 Cardiovascular surgeons give
diet and exercise advice expecting that patients will not follow it. The
patients clearly understand the life-extending value of changing their
behavior, and still do not follow through.
These examples show, first, that our mind can be unreliable when
it comes to regulating our behavior. When we really want to use our
willpower, it is likely to desert us. There seems to be a universal gap
between what people think they will do and what they are actually doing.
Managers, for example, often know the correct behavior to get results,
but find it hard to change their behavior pattern. Second, they show that it
takes two parties to have a conflict, and, metaphorically speaking, ‘‘both
are within me.’’ An internal division causes people’s frustrations—the
part that wants to do the new or better thing and the part that refuses or
has something else in mind. This divided self is the key to understanding
how to lead yourself to gain mastery over your behavior.
9
This book will explore the knowing-doing breakdowns that plague and
mislead leaders and professional employees, and then describe practices
that will strengthen one’s higher intentions to assert control over personal
behavior. These practices can reduce the gap between the divided self
to create a more united and reliable self that chooses the wise behavior. To
get started, let’s look more closely at the divided self.
The Divided Self: Executive and Elephant
Think again about the list of inner conflicts expressed by managers and
others so far in this chapter. The internal struggles revealed a divided self,
with one self supposedly guiding and giving instruction to the other, which
refused to cooperate. One self seemed stronger than the other, and too
often the ‘‘wrong’’ self seemed in charge. A human being seems composed
of two selves—one that is habit bound, impulsive, and emotion driven,
and the other more thoughtful, circumspect, and rational.
A story from ancient mythology in India illuminates the point. Five
stallions are pulling a chariot. The stallions are the five senses, each of
which seeks gratification for itself. The driver is the mind. The mind is
responsible for keeping the stallions under control and on the correct
road; otherwise their strength will overpower the driver and wreck the
chariot. When emotions and desires are strong enough to take control in
a human being, a wreck is likely to occur. Benjamin Franklin said, ‘‘If
passion drives, let reason hold the reins.’’
The idea of two selves has a long tradition in Western culture; they
are represented in the battle between reason and emotion, superego and
id, angel and devil, the light side and the dark side, good and evil,
and the spirit and the flesh. In some religious groups, ‘‘The devil made
me do it’’ is a way of describing the self that acts selfishly and without
restraint as something different from the ‘‘real me.’’ In psychology, these
two parts have been called the learner self and the judger self,8 the
conscious mind and the adaptive unconsciousness,9 the higher brain and
the lower brain,10 and the cool (cognitive) and hot (emotional) systems.11
A recovery center for substance abuse labels the intense craving for
alcohol or drugs the ‘‘beast’’ within. Each client, to recover, must learn
to deal with that powerful beast.12
What this adds up to is that everyone has two parts, or two selves, so
to speak, that sometimes are in conflict. The bigger part is unconscious
and forceful, and manages most of our behavior. The other, smaller part
is conscious and makes deliberate choices, and seems to play a subsidiary
role, being used only on occasion when needed. Our unconscious processes pretty much run our lives, as revealed in our habit patterns of
10
thinking and behaving. And they do a good job most of the time. We
happily enjoy work and life when our behavior is aligned with the needs
of the moment. We don’t realize that our unconscious mind is busy
running our life on automatic pilot—we feel as though we are in control
of our daily behavior—until we try to change something about ourselves.
A major problem occurs when the two parts are in conflict, such as when
the conscious part wants to listen to the person talking and the unconscious part wants to check e-mails. Or when the conscious part wants to
read a book, and an unconscious force wants to watch TV. When there is
a direct conflict between the two parts, we discover that the unconscious
part seems as strong as an elephant. If you have ever tried, you know that
changing a deeply embedded habit seems nearly impossible. You also
sense an elephant’s strength when you cannot resist a desire or craving
despite your conscious wish to do so. You are not in control of yourself
after all. Changing something as simple as eating, drinking, TV viewing,
or exercise habits can be enormously difficult, requiring a major effort,
maybe even an outside intervention of some sort, and the desired change
may fail anyway. But there is hope. It does not have to be this way if you
adopt and follow some of the practices in this book.
The metaphors I use in this book for our two selves or parts are
the executive and the elephant, which I will often refer to as the inner
executive and the inner elephant. The inner executive is our higher
consciousness, our own CEO so to speak. Visualize an executive riding
on a large elephant, attempting to control it, with legs dangling on either
side of the elephant’s neck. The inner elephant symbolizes the strength
of unconscious systems and habits.13 The inner executive plays the
role of providing higher-order choice processes that can guide the inner
elephant. The intentional mind is small in proportion to the unconscious
mind, much as an executive is small in proportion to the elephant on
which it is riding. The executive has limited influence over the elephant’s
mental and behavioral processes. The strength of an elephant can cause
a problem for any person. If the elephant wants to turn left or right in
search of food, it will do so, regardless of the person’s conscious wish to
be on a diet. As long as our inner executive is in alignment with our inner
elephant, which is most of the time for most people, we feel in control
and everything is fine. However, when we want to go in a direction
different from our inner elephant, struggle and failure often ensue.
An executive may appear weaker than an elephant, but the executive
has some advantages. The executive sees a bigger picture from the top of
the elephant, much like a traffic reporter in a helicopter who can see a
traffic tie-up miles ahead. The inner elephant can see only the cars directly
in front of it. The inner executive is also smarter, wiser; it can plan ahead
and is the source of free choice. When faced with a challenging planning
11
process, such as making travel arrangements for multiple family members
from disparate locations to share a common vacation, the inner executive
can work through and solve the puzzle. The inner executive can see the
different parts of the bigger picture, and organize a unifying solution.
When a leader is unable to follow an intention with action, the reason
is that the inner elephant is acting on its own by refusing to accept
direction. The inner elephant is asserting its habits and preferences over
the inner executive’s wishes. For example, at times my inner elephant
can overpower my inner executive in both aversion and attraction. My
inner elephant has long had an aversion to daily exercise. My inner executive knows that morning exercise makes me feel good all day and that
strengthening my quad muscles supports the knee I injured in a skiing
accident. My inner elephant habitually directs me away from morning
exercise toward the computer to do e-mails or to the kitchen for breakfast,
while subtly suggesting that I will exercise later. My inner elephant also
has a strong, nearly irresistible attraction to snack foods at social gatherings. Seeing tables loaded with delicious snacks, my elephant will take me
to the food soon after arriving. This is not my executive’s idea of healthy
eating, but it knows better than to get in the way of a hungry elephant.
Learning to Lead from Your Inner Executive
All of us have these two parts within— the wise and intentional inner
executive and the unconscious inner elephant, which does a good job for
us most of the time. The friction between inner executive and inner elephant occurs when they have different ideas about desired behavior. The
inner elephant is concerned about its own needs and comforts, and is often
stronger than the inner executive. The inner executive can see the bigger
picture even if it has not learned how to guide and control the elephant.
For a leader, the ideal situation is for the inner elephant to work as
servant, the inner executive to work as master. Of course everyone faces
situations where the inner elephant’s urges seem far stronger than the
inner executive’s good intentions. This is like the inmates having more
influence than the warden. Managers who do not have a well-developed
inner executive will not lead themselves consciously and intentionally,
just as a company without a CEO and executive team will not have an
intended strategy or the capability to coordinate disparate departments
for strategy execution.
When in its proper role, the inner elephant thrives as a follower, not
a leader. Ideally, leaders will understand their own elephant, and will
be conscious of its habits and needs. When a person is ‘‘unconscious,’’
however, he or she tends to live at the mercy of the inner elephant,
following its needs and impulses without concern for others or a bigger
12
picture. When ‘‘conscious,’’ a leader can be intentional about doing
the right thing. Mike Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, told
my MBA class, ‘‘Managing me is a full-time job. I manage myself to
have the right impact on the company.’’ Mike understands himself, and
intentionally directs his behavior to signal the right cues to the Thomas
Nelson culture.
I recall a research manager who refused to ‘‘be evaluated by his inferiors.’’ Killian had an aggressive, unbridled inner elephant accompanied
by a weak inner executive. In committee meetings, he revealed his smarts.
His arguments overwhelmed any competing idea. His subtle disparagement of ideas other than his own and his shunning people who disagreed
with him allowed him to win battles, but eventually created a backlash.
His inner elephant was blind to the bigger picture of uniting, integrating,
and building a research organization to include everyone. His boss, the
vice president, suggested a 360◦ feedback process wherein Killian would
get feedback about how others perceived him. He refused, and threatened
to resign before he would accept feedback from his ‘‘inferiors.’’ Although
a gifted researcher, Killian never did break free of his unfortunate leader
habits. He could not get into an executive mind-set that could see a
bigger picture and be concerned with needs beyond his own. His inner
executive was not sufficiently developed to understand and restrain his
inner elephant. He kept ramming ahead unconsciously with ideas that
represented only his personal beliefs and self-interest, and was eventually
removed from the management position.
In my experience, professionals like Killian who have an ambitious,
single-minded inner elephant that overpowers their inner executive generally are remarkable individual achievers, but often make poor leaders.
Killian was a driven and highly published researcher, but the blind devotion to his own viewpoints did not translate into leadership of other
people. When a leader does not have a bigger picture (one that includes
other people) from which to guide his or her inner elephant, then the
leader is more likely to act unconsciously, impulsively, and blindly, driven
by personal beliefs, prejudices, and desires. Professionals with a weak
inner executive often act like impulsive children, blinded by temptations
that fulfill their strong personal needs. When a manager’s inner elephant
is so dominant, there are no second thoughts, no inner conflict, and little
empathy for other people or ideas. Someone who is all elephant probably
needs strong guidance from an outside executive.
To become better leaders, we must learn to manage ourselves by
developing our inner executive to direct and guide our inner elephant.
The laments and ineffective behaviors described early in this chapter
were examples of leaders not doing what they knew they should do.
Each case was an example of conflict within the manager, between
13
the inner executive and the inner elephant. The inner executives within the
managers knew all the ideal leader behaviors, such as delegating more,
listening attentively, and completing a monthly report on time. Yet
even when knowing the correct action, they failed to act on the ideal.
I appreciate that most leaders do the correct thing most of the time.
But when an internal conflict arises between intention and action, the
inner elephant’s unconscious response has asserted itself to override
the inner executive’s wishes, causing the less desirable behavior.
Purpose of This Book
So there you have it. The premise of this book is that managers often
know what they should do, and why and how to do it, yet too often they
do not. Why? Their inner elephant’s unconscious desires and habits are
too strong; their inner elephant won’t follow directions. Their inner
executive is not sufficiently well-developed to take charge. They have
not learned to lead themselves. As leaders learn to recognize the two
parts within themselves, and the occasional conflict between the parts,
they can strengthen their inner executive and learn how to train, calm
down, and guide their inner elephant to follow their inner executive’s
wishes.
In a normal person, the inner executive grows stronger with exercise
and practice, which allows the inner elephant’s bad habits and selfdefeating behaviors to weaken and fall away. As your inner executive
gets stronger, you become more conscious of the two selves and points
of inner conflict. Achieving this awareness is a big step. Your inner
executive typically has a notion of the right behavior, and you can be
puzzled and frustrated by your occasional inability to act correctly. With
a little practice, you can learn to execute the right action on the occasions
of internal conflict rather than let the elephant have its way.
This book is about understanding and clearly recognizing your own
inner executive and inner elephant. It is about learning how to help
your inner executive manage your inner elephant as needed to behave
according to your best intentions. Your inner executive already knows a
lot about effective leadership. The challenge for you is to learn to guide
your inner elephant toward that behavior despite its sometime obstinacy
or neediness for the wrong thing. The solution is to learn to follow your
inner executive’s higher intentions and what it knows to be true. When
leaders learn how to increase their self-discipline and self-mastery to
manage themselves, they finally can become the leader they want to be,
which is a feeling of inner excellence.
The trick is to lead yourself first so you can be a first-rate leader of
other people. Leading yourself means seeing, understanding, mastering,
14
and leading your unconscious but powerful inner elephant. You can
appreciate that bringing your two selves into alignment and learning to
be the master of your own behavior would have a terrific leadership
payoff in satisfaction, inner peace, impact, and productivity.
Throughout the book, I present a variety of personal practices to help
you gain mastery over your inner elephant—lessons in how to lead
yourself. Many people I have taught and coached have found these
practices valuable for achieving a higher level of self-discipline, more
self-awareness and self-control, greater ability to follow their own higher
intentions, less procrastination, weaker impulses, and a more positive
viewpoint, including reduced anxiety and fewer negative thoughts toward
themselves or others. These practices are derived from a variety of
sources, including Western psychology and Eastern spirituality. I have
been pleased at how quickly people can adopt these practices and see
some change in their thinking and behavior.
I have used nearly all of the practices myself, and over the years, they
have led me to experience increased feelings of contentment and peace.
The falling away of simple urges, such as food cravings; the enhanced
‘‘flow’’ and immersion in my work brought about by the melting of
resistance to doing important projects; the ability to reach out to someone
in the moment to resolve a conflict—these feel wonderful and peaceful,
like a load off my mind. The absence of inner struggle—one part of me
wanting to do one thing, the other part the opposite—is a feeling of
freedom. My hope is that you will try practices that appeal to you and
experience similar feelings of peace and self-control.
Chapter Two will develop the concepts of the inner executive and
inner elephant in more detail, and Chapters Three and Four will closely
examine the inner elephant from different perspectives, with special
emphasis on the many inner-elephant illusions, guises, mistakes, and
problems that can lead well-intentioned leaders astray. Chapters Five
through Sixteen describe ideas, personal practices, and exercises that
show you how to engage and strengthen your inner executive to take
charge of your inner elephant, shifting the balance between your two
selves in favor of your inner executive and thus avoiding the problems
identified in the early chapters. These practices are presented in an
approximate sequence of difficulty; earlier chapters cover simpler ideas
that can solve specific problems, and later chapters cover practices that
strengthen the inner executive more generally. If you can find even one or
two of the many suggested practices that appeal to you, and begin using
them regularly, you can start making progress right away. As you learn
to master yourself, you can become a master leader of other people.
2
•
Recognize Your
Two Selves
The mind which yields to the wandering senses carries away his
wisdom as the gale carries away a ship on waters.
—Bhagavad Gita 2:67
You are what you think.
—Lord Buddha
i was a coproducer of a musical theater production of RESPECT:
A Musical Journey of Women, for which my wife was playwright. The
show had played in several cities. In this production, the group sales
person quit to work for another employer. It was imperative to quickly
find an experienced salesperson to contact area social groups, because
groups purchase their tickets several months in advance of attendance.
Launching a musical theater production, like launching a start-up, is
chaotic. The managing producer said he understood the importance of
group sales and repeatedly promised to find a new salesperson right
away, but his mind kept focusing on urgent short-term production and
marketing problems, e-mails, and the like. The important long-term
action was delayed. As the need for more ticket sales to groups became
urgent, he finally focused on finding a replacement, but it was too late.
15
16
Group ticket sales were dismal. The managing producer’s intention had
been clear, but he did not act on it despite wanting to do so. His mind
kept focusing on other seemingly urgent details.
As described in Chapter One, the human mind operates as if there were
two distinct mental processes or selves. The inner elephant is more or less
automatic, reactive, strong, and unconscious; the inner executive operates
at a ‘‘higher’’ level of awareness based on a bigger, more objective picture
of what needs to happen. The managing producer for RESPECT, for
example, seemed to have a weak intention (inner executive) toward
dealing with an important long-term issue, preferring instead to react to
immediate events (inner elephant).
Levels of Consciousness
All of us experience the inner struggle between two seemingly different parts of ourselves that want to do different things. The personal
examples of inner-elephant and inner-executive behavior are supported
by diverse and systematic evidence from neurology, psychology, and
Eastern philosophy.
Neurology
Modern science reveals a similar duality involving the physical structure of the brain. The human brain is an enormously complex system
that performs many functions. Neuroscience reports that the frontal
lobes, particularly the prefrontal cortex, act as the CEO for the brain.
The frontal lobes coordinate such brain functions as perception, memory,
language, attention, attractions, and emotions. The function of the frontal
lobes is to provide humans with self-awareness, purposefulness, intentionality, imagination, and foresight. This executive function endows us
with human qualities. The brain’s CEO decides direction, sets goals,
makes plans to attain goals, and regulates behavior that is consistent
with achieving its goals.1
Brain injury or neurological diseases of the frontal lobes impair the
CEO function. Alzheimer’s patients cannot make decisions in an ambiguous situation, such as selecting and coordinating clothes for the day. The
loss of frontal lobe function may cause people to become stimulus-bound
or field-dependent, which means they react immediately to any external
stimulus or distraction the way a baby or small child would. Without the
frontal lobe function, a person cannot stay on course to achieve goals.
Without the inner CEO, there is no mechanism to control distracting
urges or impulses. There is no sustained intention.
recognize your two selves
17
The field of education has embraced ‘‘executive function’’ as a way
to understand differences in children that carry over into adulthood.
The executive function is associated with the self-discipline necessary
for goal-directed behavior. From an educational perspective, elements
of executive function observed in children include planning and setting
priorities, seeing a big picture and how elements fit together, and making
alternative plans quickly when unusual events arise; getting organized,
taking initiative to get started on a project, and persevering with a
task through to completion; and restraining inappropriate emotions and
behaviors. The executive function gets stronger as children grow toward
adulthood.
When children experience ‘‘executive dysfunction,’’ they may be impulsive, easily distracted, unable to plan ahead, and unable to tolerate
frustration. For example, a student may have trouble determining the
steps for a research project, determining needed resources, or setting
realistic milestones. Other signs include difficulty waiting one’s turn,
difficulty switching gears, or acting out of frustration. For adults, the
simple indicators of executive dysfunction might include the inability to
plan meals several days in advance, spending income impulsively rather
than adding to a savings account for future college expenses, difficulty
managing a budget and deadlines for a small business, and inability
to keep multiple projects going. Adults, like children, vary widely in
executive function development and their ability to regulate themselves.
The CEO function within the brain of a human being is analogous
to the executive function in a large corporation, army, or government
organization. Every organization has to have an executive function that
is distinct from the work of production operations, HR, or marketing.
The executive function provides an overall vision and strategic direction
and implements action plans to achieve the business’s desired outcomes.
The executive function monitors environmental changes, asks the right
questions, makes sense of things, and builds agreement for proper direction, organization, and coordination. Just like a corporation, each person
needs an inner CEO to guide his or her personal behavior.
Psychology
Mainstream psychology supports the notion of two selves as reflected in
two distinct mental processes: (1) the conscious or intentional mental processes and the (2) nonconscious, automatic or externally triggered mental
processes.2 Psychology has abundant evidence that the vast majority
of thoughts, perceptions, desires, emotions, judgments, and behaviors
are the result of unconscious and automatic processes. An automatic
18
process occurs without any conscious intention in response to an event or
situation. One example is the feeling of stage fright that pops up automatically when a person has to give a speech. Another is the annoyance that
many people experience when others behave ‘‘improperly.’’ The feeling
of annoyance arises by itself. In my case, frustration and critical thoughts
start to enter my mind automatically when someone is twenty minutes
late for lunch, or when a Web page takes more than fifteen seconds to
open. My conscious mind did not create or choose those thoughts or feelings. The thoughts arise automatically from my unconscious in response
to the event, as does the desire to read the newspaper in the morning, the
felt need to prepare for class as the class time draws closer, and the sense
of well-being I feel after being immersed in a project to completion or
if I do something nice for someone. Most of my thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors arise automatically in response to outside events. My conscious
mind did not cause my inner reactions, but it was aware of them. The
conscious mind, like a flashlight or spotlight in a large auditorium, is able
to focus on and see one thing while the rest of the auditorium is dark.
The dark auditorium is the unconscious mind.
The unconscious and automatic mental processes play a huge role in
how we live. These processes are so pervasive and automatic that one
writer called them our bio-computer.3 The mental processes that operate
language, memory, perception, and physical systems function largely
outside of awareness like the hard drive of a bio-computer, much as
the workings of one million employees at Walmart occur outside the
view of its CEO.4 The unconscious mind detects threats, judges
people, makes inferences, and formulates stereotypes, all outside our
conscious intention. When you speak on the telephone, your words
flow automatically, as does your recognition of familiar people and
places. You don’t have to tell one foot to step in front of the other while
walking or tell your fingers to push keys on the keyboard. To write
this paragraph, I close my eyes and focus on the topic. Words appear
automatically in my mind and I then write them down. When I teach,
words automatically jump into my mouth. Without automatic language,
I would have to find other employment.
The conscious and unconscious parts of the mind are designed to
work together. The conscious mind is supposed to be the decider,
the executive in charge, the boss that asserts itself when needed. The
unconscious mind is like a search engine continually scanning the Internet
and occasionally sending a message of interest to the conscious mind.
The search engine’s work is out of sight. The conscious mind is like the
pilot of a modern jetliner, who provides little input while the plane flies
19
on autopilot; the pilot is perhaps drinking coffee while reading gauges
and checking messages sent from the airplane’s automatic systems. The
airplane’s systems make adjustments instantly and effectively in response
to environmental changes until it is time to land, when the pilot takes
control. The primary role of the conscious mind is to act like a CEO by
gathering data and providing systematic planning and adjustments. Its
job is interpretation, planning, and objective evaluation. The unconscious
mind handles the high-volume routine stuff. The unconscious mind has
a lifetime of experience stored within and is ideally suited to the routine
and automatic. Competitive ice skaters, like many other athletes, practice
so much that during a performance they can shut off the conscious mind.
Their unconscious and automatic systems will guide their bodies through
the skating program.
Eastern Philosophy
Historical Eastern thinking offers a comparable view of a person’s mental
processes that reinforces the ideas from Western science. Hindu literature
describes human consciousness as operating at multiple levels.5 A human
being tends to identify initially with lower levels of consciousness. The
higher levels of consciousness are acquired gradually with maturity,
effort, and personal growth.6 Four levels of consciousness as described
in Hindu literature are as follows.
LEVEL 1. This is the level of the physical body and five senses that interact with the environment. This level of consciousness is present in all
organisms. People at this level behave on the basis of physical need and
operate at the animal level of consciousness.
LEVEL 2. The mind (manas in Sanskrit literature) receives stimuli from
the senses and translates the stimuli into actions, words, thoughts, and
feelings. This level of consciousness tends to be directed by the needs of
the ego as well as the physical body. The mind experiences emotions,
and seeks pleasant sensations while avoiding the unpleasant. This level
of consciousness is referred to as the ‘‘unintelligent will’’ because of
its unthinking pursuit of self-gratification, and it makes shortsighted
judgments based on pain and pleasure. People at this level are often
inflexible because they are guarding and protecting their own beliefs,
mental positions, and habit patterns. People at this level are considered
unconscious because they are unaware of how their automatic thought
patterns determine their behavior.
20
LEVEL 3. The intellect (Buddhi in Sanskrit literature) is the higher mental faculty in human beings. It is the instrument of abstract knowledge,
discernment, and thoughtful decisions. It organizes and interprets information from the senses to furnish intellectual discrimination and reason.
It is an ‘‘intelligent will.’’ It can think things through before acting and
weigh consequences. It can seek the truth behind objects and events
rather than react to face value, integrate diverse stimuli rather than react
to a single stimulus, and pursue a larger purpose. The intellect enables
people to enjoy deep intuitive understanding, choose action based on
wisdom, be flexible in their responses, and be concerned for people and
causes beyond self-interest and personal pleasure. People at this level are
considered conscious because they can observe and manage their own
thought and behavior patterns.
The soul or spirit is the very core of being, the animating life
force that is sometimes called the real Self (Atman in Hindu), which is
the human connection to divinity (God or Brahman). This is the most
subtle level of consciousness and can be known by only a very few people,
who would be considered self-realized or enlightened. This is the highest
level of human consciousness.
LEVEL 4.
•••
As illustrated in Exhibit 2.1, the inner elephant and inner executive
correspond roughly to levels of consciousness or mental functioning
described in Eastern philosophy, neurology, and psychology. The parallel between Western science and Eastern thinking is striking to me
because these two fields grew out of different cultures and investigative
practices. Western science is based on the study of the world outside
ourselves. Psychologists study the behavior of people in the psych laboratory. Neuroscientists study other people’s brains and nervous systems.
Eastern sages, in contrast, study the workings of their own mind through
introspection. They investigate by watching their own internal mental
dynamics through meditation and contemplation. The convergence of
Eastern and Western perspectives on basic levels of human consciousness
provides triangulation on the concept of two selves.
The importance of the levels in Exhibit 2.1 is summarized in Einstein’s
statement, ‘‘The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved
by the level of thinking that created them.’’ This means that a higher level
of consciousness is bigger than the one below it. The higher mind has
the potential to control the body, ego, and lower impulses, but it must
be developed and used. Ideally, the different levels are aligned, which is
21
Exhibit 2.1. Levels of Human Consciousness
HINDU
NEUROLOGY
PSYCHOLOGY
EXECUTIVE
FUNCTION
CONSCIOUS
NERVOUS
SYSTEM
NONCONSCIOUS
4. SOUL
INNER
EXECUTIVE
3. INTELLECT
(HIGHER MIND)
2. MIND
(EGO-DIRECTED)
INNER
ELEPHANT
1. BODY, SENSES
often the case. When they disagree, however, the lower consciousness may
appear stronger than the wishes of the higher consciousness, and hence
people make bad choices, do not do as they intended, act impulsively, fail
to follow through, and so on. People start out at lower levels as children
and, one hopes, engage more of the intellect or executive function as
they mature. As people evolve to a higher level of consciousness, they
experience a sense of greater free will in the form of self-regulation
and personal control. The inner elephant’s personal desires, impulses,
fears, likes, and dislikes have less influence over choices and actions
when people engage the higher level to solve the problems created by
lower-level desires and actions.
Two Voices Within
Let’s try an experiment so that you can experience the two parts of
yourself—the unconscious and automatic, yet powerful, inner elephant
versus the more intentional, versatile, and less used inner executive. This
experience will help you see that your inner elephant is mostly in charge of
thinking your thoughts and making your decisions. I use this experiment
all the time with managers and students to help them understand the
difference between the two parts of themselves.
Before continuing further with the book, follow the instructions in this
paragraph. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Focus your attention on
your breath as it enters and leaves your nostrils. Watch your breath for
approximately three minutes. If a thought comes along and distracts your
attention, refocus on the breath as soon as you realize your attention
22
has drifted. Bring your attention back to your breath anytime you realize
that you are not focused on your breath. You might look at a clock
before starting so you know the amount of time devoted to the exercise.
Start now.
• TRY THIS •
Focus on Your Breath
1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
2. Focus on your normal breathing as air enters and leaves your
nostrils.
3. Continue focusing on your breath for three minutes.
4. What happened?
What happened during the three minutes? Did your mind jump away
from the focus on your breathing? Almost certainly it did, and probably
many times. I apologize for mixing metaphors, but in India those seemingly random thoughts are called monkey mind. A typical attention span
without an intruding thought is a very few seconds. Only a well-trained
mind can hold a focus on the breath for even thirty seconds with no
intrusive thoughts. Those thoughts jump into your mind automatically. In
other words, these thoughts came into your mind without any intention
on your part. Let me repeat that: the thoughts jumped into your mind
automatically with absolutely no effort on your part. Indeed, you were
not able to stop them. Your intention was to stay focused on watching
your breath, but your unconscious and automatic mind (inner elephant)
brought up distracting thoughts anyway. The thoughts did not obey your
intention. The random thoughts reflected things of concern to your inner
elephant, which did not care about your desire to concentrate on your
breath. Those random thoughts are the tip of the iceberg of intrusive and
insistent thoughts, desires, fears, dislikes, and so on that take over your
mind and ignore your best intentions.
The exercise can help you experience directly and thereby clarify the
distinction between your inner executive and your inner elephant. Your
inner executive is the part that was intentionally trying to focus on
your breath. The automatic, or involuntary, thoughts arose from your
nonconscious inner elephant. And when your awareness was carried
away by automatic thoughts, you were completely in the inner elephant’s
level of consciousness. When you ‘‘woke up,’’ saw the thought, and
23
returned your focus to the breath, you were back in the inner executive’s
level of consciousness. The inner executive has a capacity for higher-level
intention, although it often loses out to the forceful impulsive thinking
from the inner elephant. The unconscious mind can generate compelling
thoughts automatically, whenever it wants, and does so.
These two levels of consciousness have been characterized as two
voices in our heads, and we can learn to choose the one we listen to. The
inner executive is subtle compared to the inner elephant. You might think
of the inner executive as a whisper for which you have to listen carefully,
and the other, by comparison, an insistent and noisy boom box.7 You
may have to turn down the volume on the boom box to hear the inner
executive’s voice or quiet urging.
Imagine that you have two big dogs to feed that are intensely hungry.
Despite its hunger, one dog is docile and quiet. The other dog is barking
loudly, becoming vicious, and straining at its chain to attack. Which
dog will you feed first? The strong urges, reactions, and opinions of
the inner elephant typically fill the mind and demand your attention.
No wonder you get caught up in the inner elephant’s intrusive thoughts
and ignore the better judgment of the quieter inner executive. Indeed,
this explains why the managing producer for the RESPECT production
was responding to the ever-present start-up details rather than hiring a
person to handle group sales. The automatic thoughts flooding his mind
were about those details, which pushed aside the less urgent thoughts of
finding and hiring a salesperson.
A little practice is required to observe both voices. People believe
they are thinking their own thoughts, when in fact thoughts jump into
awareness automatically, based on some internal or external stimulus,
just as they jumped into your mind as you tried to focus on your
breath. Thoughts based on your inner elephant’s desires and dislikes are
constantly flowing into your awareness without any effort or prodding on
your part. You may sometimes insert an intentional thought, but all the
thoughts will pretty much run together until you learn to tell them apart.
Intentional thinking is hard work, takes practice and concentration,
and is infrequent. Using intention is like learning to speak a foreign
language to replace the one you now speak automatically. Just as you
can intentionally learn a new language, you can increase the strength of
your inner executive to take control of your thoughts. As an illustration,
let’s try another experiment.
Sit comfortably with your eyes closed and once again watch your
breath for three minutes, and this time add another element. Say silently
to yourself ‘‘in’’ on the first in-breath and say ‘‘out’’ again during the first
out-breath, ‘‘in’’ during the second in-breath and ‘‘out’’ during the second
24
out-breath. You can say ‘‘in’’ and ‘‘out’’ slowly to match the length of
each breath. The point is to concentrate on the word in your head as well
as on your breath. Continue counting and watching your breathing for
about three minutes. Any time your mind jumps away, bring it back when
you ‘‘wake up,’’ and start over repeating ‘‘in’’ and ‘‘out.’’ Start now.
• TRY THIS •
Focus on Your Breath II
1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
2. Focus on your normal breathing as air enters and leaves your
nostrils.
3. Say in your mind ‘‘in’’ during inhale and ‘‘out’’ during exhale.
4. Continue focusing on your breath and repeating the words for
three minutes.
5. What happened this time?
What happened this time? Did your mind jump away less frequently?
Chances are that your elephant mind was quieter. The reason is that
you added strength to your inner executive by saying a word, which
is an intentional thought to replace your inner elephant’s involuntary
thoughts. Your inner elephant had less free space to generate random
thoughts.
There are two voices—the familiar automatic voice from the inner
elephant and the intentional voice from the inner executive. Stop for a
moment and get clear about what your intentional thoughts feel or sound
like. Close your eyes and count to ten slowly, seeing and hearing each
thought clearly in your mind. That is what an intentional thought sounds
like. Thoughts are pretty subtle, so if you are not clear about ‘‘seeing’’ or
‘‘hearing’’ the intentional thought as distinct from the automatic thought,
don’t worry. Try counting to ten again and sense how each count differs
from the automatic thoughts that will jump in to carry you away. Once
you have had a little practice, intentional thoughts will sound or look
quite distinct from automatic thoughts that come into your mind on
their own.
This experiment is a microcosm of the everyday relationship between
your inner executive and your inner elephant. The inner elephant is
surprisingly pervasive and strong. Most of the thoughts that guide our
lives arise into our mind’s awareness instantly, unconsciously, without
25
effort, uninvited, and without intention or control on our part—just
as pop-up ads appear on your computer screen when you surf the Net.
For example, psychologist Martin Seligman reported how the pessimistic
thoughts of depressed people (for example, ‘‘I’m not good at anything,’’
‘‘My clothes look like rags,’’ ‘‘I screwed up again,’’ ‘‘I can’t get things
together’’) flooded their minds involuntarily after a negative event.8
These thoughts were not intentional; the participants wanted nothing
more than to be free of those thoughts. Automatic thoughts play a huge
role in our thinking.
Why Your Mind Is Filled with Automatic Thoughts
Why is the inner elephant’s voice so dominant in your mind? Your
lifetime’s accumulated experiences are stored in your nervous system as
part of your conditioned self, which is the inner elephant. You have a
huge store of conditioned responses from previous feelings of pain and
pleasure. Responses are based on millions upon millions of experiences
recorded in the nervous system from the moment of birth. We learn to
sense, anticipate, and move toward pleasure and away from pain. Every
situation you face as an adult elicits a reaction in the form of automatic
thoughts. A typical mind is occupied by automatic thoughts for perhaps
95 to 98 percent of its waking moments.9 The unconscious mind is vastly
larger than the unconscious mind, as illustrated in Exhibit 2.2.
The enduring quality of our conditioning experiences is illustrated by
the way elephants are trained in India. Baby elephants are tied to a stake
in the ground. The baby will try to pull away and free itself, but the
Exhibit 2.2. The Relative Size and Experience
of the Inner Elephant and Inner Executive
Inner Executive
Inner Elephant
26
rope and stake are too strong. The elephant learns that the stake will not
yield. When the elephant is grown, it can be tied with the same rope and
stake. The five-ton elephant could easily break free, but its mind has been
conditioned to believe in its captivity, and it will not even attempt to
escape. The elephant’s behavior is limited by the conditioned habits and
boundaries of the past. The same conditioning occurs in a human being
when a person learns to refrain from speaking out because of a volatile
father. Another person might learn to be the life of the party in response
to a depressed mother, and yet another wants to ‘‘go it alone’’ and avoid
teamwork because of isolation as a child.
The difference for humans is that we have an inner executive. This
intellect or intelligent will can be developed to guide our conditioned
inner elephant into new and better behaviors. For example, when
my inner elephant was upset with a mobile phone clerk for refusing
to replace my broken phone, giving me an excuse as thin as gruel,
I wanted to blurt out my frustration, and was about to do so. The
thoughts and feelings of anger and frustration filled my mind. My inner
executive, meanwhile, could ‘‘see’’ my urgent feelings and realized that
they were temporary and would soon pass, that the exchange policy was
not the clerk’s fault, and that anger in this moment was inappropriate
and dysfunctional. The inner executive had an overview and the potential
27
to guide my behavior. If my mind had been completely taken over by
energized anger thoughts from the inner elephant, I would have shouted
at the clerk.
As the inner executive gets stronger, it can gradually replace unwanted
automatic thoughts that arise. Psychology suggests that people can replace
their inner elephant’s dominant conditioned response with an alternative
response, which is analogous to an adult elephant breaking away from
the rope and stake. Anyone can assert intentional thoughts and actions,
but initially it takes a lot of mental energy to transcend or replace the
instinctual and conditioned responses that arise automatically.10 With
development, however, the inner executive can provide self-regulation
to alter your automatic responses and reduce the depletion of mental
resources.
As you become familiar with the voices of your inner elephant and
executive, you will notice that they each have a unique feel. In general
terms, the inner executive is anchored more in being than in doing, more
in quiet than in noise, more in calm than in anxiety. The inner executive
sees a picture bigger than the inner elephant’s immediate desires or
urgent thoughts. The inner executive’s higher consciousness is the source
of a balanced perspective, making decisions that are rational for all
concerned as opposed to just pushing one’s own view or seeking one’s
own interests.
Understanding the differences between the two parts will help you
recognize them and gain ascendency over your inner elephant’s unwanted
thoughts or behaviors. I will explore leadership problems with the inner
elephant in the next two chapters. Right now, let’s highlight two key
differences between the inner elephant and inner executive.
Unfocused Elephant Mind Versus Focused
Executive Presence
I often work with managers who check their BlackBerries frequently.
The worst case was a senior manager at a Tennessee state government
organization. He could not sit still. He conveyed nervous energy, and
his mind was jumping everywhere rather than staying focused on the
conversation with me. Not more than a minute or two would pass before
he would check something on his computer or PDA, even as I talked.
After several self-initiated interruptions, he apologized. He closed the
laptop and put the PDA out of reach. He then sat on his hands. He
explained that he had recently learned that his direct reports’ feelings
were hurt when he constantly checked messages while they talked to
him. They felt unheard and rejected. His overactive inner elephant was
not focused on people because of its impulse to jump away and take his
28
attention with it. When he became conscious of what he was doing, his
inner executive devised the solution of closing the laptop and sitting on
his hands to help him stay focused and present.
Many executives have to deal with their busy minds. When asked how
he could improve as a leader, Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, said,
‘‘My brain races too much.’’ He said that even when he has listened to
everything somebody said, he sometimes wouldn’t hear if his mind was
racing. Ballmer said that to get the best out of people, they have to feel
that they’ve been really heard. ‘‘So I’ve got to learn to slow down and
improve in that dimension, both to make me better and to make the
people around me better.’’11
The inner elephant’s jumping mind is impulsive and does not want to
be here or now. Each automatic thought takes the mind away to the past
or future or to another location. The inner elephant is always hungry
for stimulation. It always wants to ‘‘do’’ something. It is impatient. It
gets uncomfortable if the pace is too slow, which is what you may feel
when you have to wait for the elderly gentleman to write a check in the
express line or when someone speaking takes too long to make a point.
The inner elephant wants to bolt away and get to the next meeting or
back to e-mail. It wants to push toward some other place rather than
enjoy the present moment.
• TRY THIS •
Observe Your Inner Elephant
Put down this book and sit quietly for ten minutes. Do you feel
thoughts or impulses that want to take you away from your
stillness? That is your inner elephant. Can you sit still and let the
impulses pass? If so, your inner executive is temporarily in charge
by not acting on your inner elephant’s impulses.
But the thoughts and impulses keep coming. One study reported that
the minds of some college students were not on what they were doing
as much as 80 to 90 percent of the time.12 I gave an assignment to my
MBA students to make a pencil mark each time they ‘‘woke up’’ after
their mind drifted during a lecture class (not mine). The highest number
was seventy-five, and twenty to thirty marks were common. The students
were appalled at their own lack of concentration and presence.
Your elephant mind is like a shark that has to keep moving to stay
alive. A story told by Eckhard Tolle illustrates how the inner elephant will
29
create internal conversations to maintain its stimulation. While on a bus,
Tolle observed an apparently homeless woman aggressively talking to
herself aloud, as if angry at some unseen person, talking to that person in
an animated way. You have probably seen someone like that and felt sorry
for his or her disconnection from reality. When Tolle got to his office,
the insight struck him that his mind worked exactly the same way. His
mind also carried on animated conversations with unseen others, arguing
his own point of view. He was the same as the ‘‘insane’’ woman in how
their minds worked. The only difference was that the woman spoke her
thoughts aloud while Tolle’s mouth stayed silent.13 As you learn to see
your compulsive thinking, you too will see your mind’s animated internal
conversations with unseen others.
In contrast to the inner elephant, with its need for constant stimulation
and action, the inner executive is more focused and present in the moment.
It is attuned to the current situation, alert to the nuances of people and
circumstances right here and right now, and able to respond accordingly.
The executive mind can monitor one’s own thoughts and feelings and
ignore a distraction such as a new e-mail, to stay on point. One administrator I know stays focused by scheduling regular times each day for
e-mail, and focusing on other work the rest of the day. That takes selfdiscipline from a strong inner executive. Executive presence is not about
being a thousand-watt bulb giving off heat in the room. It is more like having a spotlight shining on you just being yourself. It is drawing attention
from others without being excessively extroverted or trying to overwhelm
people. Presence begins with an inner state of calm and being completely
in the moment. It is being grounded in your own body rather than
doing ten things at once or feeling fragmented, rushed, or hyperkinetic.
Awareness in the moment gives you flexibility to handle the unexpected.
Presence also means drawing people to you by connecting with them on
an authentic level. It means being aware of your own thinking, feelings,
values, or purpose in the moment and expressing them appropriately to
deliver a congruent message.14 The inner executive is presence.
Charles Holliday, chairman of DuPont, shared with me a story about
a visit to Capitol Hill. He was walking with a senator when he was
introduced to a young senator passing by. The second senator took
about ten minutes to talk privately with Holliday. He asked a lot of
questions about how DuPont was doing and about Holliday’s family.
The young senator did not talk about himself, promote himself or his pet
issues, or make a pitch for money, which seemed unusual. He focused
completely on Holliday to learn as much as he could. Then he thanked
Holliday and went on his way. That senator was Barack Obama. Some
observers say that Obama worked hard over his life to cultivate his
30
presence, consciously developing his self-discipline,15 or what I would
call using his inner executive to establish dominance over the restless
inner elephant.
Calm presence is great for business executives too. John Chambers,
chief of Cisco, learned early in life from his physician parents that when
an accident happens is the time you’ve got to be the calmest. Chambers
said, ‘‘And yet that is when most people are not. . . . So I’ve learned
when something with tremendous stress happens, I get very calm, very
analytical.’’16 One of my EMBA students, Ted, told me the story of
visiting a cell phone manufacturer and speaking with the CEO. The
CEO demonstrated complete presence. The CEO’s mind was completely
focused on Ted, with no sense of busyness or rushing. In turn, Ted’s
attention was drawn to the CEO. The CEO was not thinking about other
things or shifting to distractions, as if he had all the time in the world.
His well-focused mind could concentrate completely on Ted. Jeff Immelt,
CEO of GE, is said to be utterly at ease despite any chaos around him or
when facing difficult issues, such as from Wall Street. His mind is present
to listen, stay on point, build consensus, and be an ambassador. Executive
presence is being comfortable in your own skin, right here and now.
One study reported that the minds of champion athletes experienced
one-half the number of thoughts as normal athletes.17 This means that
the champion’s mind is less distracted; it has calm assurance and focus.
For example, a champion baseball hitter’s mind will think only of the
pitch rather than be distracted by crowd noise or a hitting slump. Athletic
flow or the ‘‘zone’’ is only in the present moment, not when the mind
is distracted. Mental presence and focus are achieved by learning to
concentrate the mind rather than let it flit to infinite distractions. The
stronger the inner executive in relation to the inner elephant, the more a
person’s mind will be quiet, present, and focused.
Small Box Versus Large Mind
One day in class I asked an MBA student to shine a flashlight on the
ceiling of the darkened classroom. If the surface area of the walls, ceiling,
and floor represented the reality of the Owen School, that spot of light
was a metaphor for one person’s knowledge and perspective. A leader
who is stuck in small, inner-elephant thinking tends to see only his or
her own spot of light—his or her own thoughts, ideas, beliefs, strategies,
and solutions. What can be smaller than one mind? When I asked all the
students to shine flashlights in all directions in the classroom, much of
the ‘‘reality’’ of the classroom wall and ceiling surface area was exposed,
representing many minds.
31
The more you are attached to your own thinking, the smaller and
tighter your box, and the more your mind is like an elephant tied to a
stake in the ground. A leader operating from the inner executive, not
overly attached to his own thinking, can take in the perspectives of others
and the whole company. The inner executive is concerned with a reality
bigger than its own thoughts and desires. The leader doesn’t waste her
energy fighting for her own view. The inner executive welcomes thoughts
and competencies from many minds.
The inner elephant gets lost in its own thoughts and desires and
cannot see beyond its own mental box of thought patterns, needs, likes,
and dislikes. These automatic thoughts, mostly about personal likes and
dislikes, are flowing constantly. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, in
The Happiness Hypothesis, observes that a ‘‘like-o-meter’’ is constantly
running in the heads of humans. We generate subtle like-dislike judgments
toward everything we experience, even when we are not conscious
of doing so.18 The inner elephant makes decisions based on personal
attraction and aversion. This is fine for food and drink, but can get in
the way of balanced social judgment. In the book How Doctors Think,
Jerome Groopman told how a doctor’s mere liking or disliking of a
patient could influence the selection of diagnostic tests and other aspects
of treatment.19 If a doctor likes a patient, she might be inclined to skip a
test that would cause discomfort. If she dislikes a patient, she might blame
the patient’s behavior for his illness, and assign less treatment. The inner
elephant’s judgments based on like and dislike color even a presumably
objective physician’s medical decisions. A Chinese Zen master addressed
this idea when he wrote,
The Perfect Way is only difficult for those who pick and choose;
Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear.20
A manager’s mind cannot see clearly when his thinking is colored with
automatic feelings of personal like and dislike. A great deal of research
shows how a manager’s feelings also can have serious impact on subordinates. A leader’s unconscious dislike will create in-group and out-group
feelings among subordinates. Unconscious favoritism creates disparities
and anxieties among employees. A manager seldom realizes that his own
small and personal preferences are the cause of the discontent or perhaps
the failure of some direct reports. Intentionally treating direct reports
with equal concern has been shown to increase team performance.21
The nature of the inner executive is to be objective and balanced, which
gives it a picture bigger. To be objective means to perceive things with
neutrality and detachment, free from social or personal influences. The
inner executive plays a role similar to a neutral judge, referee, scientist, or
32
journalist not obsessed with her own preferences or opinions. The facts
will be examined with calm detachment to find the truth. A balanced
view is a bigger view and is essential to make nonpartisan decisions.
A leader has to make judgments, excruciatingly difficult judgments, but
ideally without the bias of deep personal likes and dislikes. Judgments
are business, not personal. Yes, you have to fire people when they do not
perform. The inner executive does not take things personally and will fire
someone because the evidence warrants it.
Ram Charan told the story about a new CEO who overheard a
division manager describe on the phone how he was going to keep
vital information away from headquarters (and the CEO), which could
threaten the new regime.22 The CEO kept his cool, did not react, and
took time to investigate the big picture before making a judgment. He
talked to several people and learned that cultural norms were the problem,
not that particular individual. He then confronted the offending division
manager, not to fire or berate him, but to listen to his reasoning and then
set expectations for a new culture and system of information sharing
and collaboration. The CEO’s inner executive was not judgmental and
worked at the big-picture level to solve a problem for the company.
I visited a general in a military acquisitions organization that used a
duel-authority matrix structure. I was curious about how he encouraged
people, regardless of rank, to meet face-to-face to hash out their frequent
disputes. When I asked him what quality most accounted for the success
of his matrix organization, he responded instantly: ‘‘A corporate mindset.’’ He meant that people who were stuck in their own small point
of view or who endlessly defended their own department were unable
to resolve differences effectively. David Novak, head of Yum Brands,
said much the same thing when asked what advice he would give young
people: ‘‘I tell people that once you get a job you should act like you
run the place. Not in terms of ego, but in terms of how you think about
the business. . . . Think about your piece of the business and the total
business. This way you will always represent a broader perspective.’’23
A great example of big-picture and balanced inner-executive thinking
was Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural address, in which he saw the
perspective of both sides in the Civil War and thoughtfully chose to
continue the war to free the slaves.
With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the
right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work
we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall
have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan—to do
all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among
ourselves, and with all nations.
33
When you are wearing tinted glasses, the whole world looks colored.
Only by becoming conscious of the glasses themselves can you recognize
how they affect your perception. Your inner elephant is the tinted glasses.
The higher consciousness of your inner executive can recognize the tint,
which starts liberating you from the box of small and habitual thinking.
With the development of your inner executive, your perspective will
expand, you will be less enamored with yourself and more open to new
ideas, and you will enjoy a bigger worldview. Leaders who operate from
their inner executive have acquired new, tint-free glasses for themselves.
PART TWO
•
Ways You May
Mislead or
Delude
Yourself
•
3
•
Three Tendencies
That Distort
Your Reality
There are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt
of in your philosophy.
—Shakespeare
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.
—Anaı̈s Nin
john worley went to college and divinity school and is a Vietnam
veteran and ordained minister. He received a PhD in psychology by
correspondence from the Carolina University of Theology and worked as
a Christian psychotherapist. Worley developed a sixty-item questionnaire,
Worley’s Identity Discovery Profile (WIDP), to help people understand
their personality and temperament. He built a successful business selling
the questionnaire to churches, businesses, individuals, and counselors.
He believed that he understood his own temperament and tendencies,
based in part from his scores on the WIDP.
Worley received an e-mail asking for his assistance transferring money
from the estate of a late Congolese president to the United States from
37
38
South Africa, for which he would be richly rewarded. ‘‘I can help and am
interested,’’ Worley e-mailed back. After receiving satisfactory responses
to questions and issues he raised, Worley was optimistic about helping
a woman in distress while becoming rich. Anticipating his fortune, he
spent several thousand dollars consulting a tax attorney, and asked his
daughters to list all their debts, which he would pay. Worley sent more
than $40,000 of his own money to the Nigerian scammers for expenses
and bribes. He deposited several hundred thousand dollars in checks
from them into his bank account and transferred the money to foreign
bank accounts. The checks were forged. The scammers disappeared,
leaving Worley with both the financial and criminal liability. He received
a two-year prison sentence and owes $600,000 in restitution.1
How did such a good person go terribly wrong? It seems obvious
that Worley was naı̈ve and gullible. Despite a life built on introspection
and self-awareness, he did not see or understand the strength of his
desire to be a hero and become rich, which blinded his rationality.
Worley did not understand his inner elephant at all, and he is not alone.
Nearly everyone makes poor judgments about themselves. Worley would
arguably be considered a sensitive, human-relations type of person. Surely
a hardheaded business executive would not be susceptible to personal
misjudgment.
A key theme in popular books, including Good to Great, Execution,
and Winning, is the need for managers to face reality. Great executives see
things as they are, not as they want them to be. Businesspeople think of
themselves as realists, gathering facts and reaching conclusions grounded
in solid data. Are the conclusions as solid as managers like to believe?
On the basis of their extensive corporate experiences, Larry Bossidy and
Ram Charan note the following in Confronting Reality: Doing What
Matters to Get Things Right:
The best strategies, the most rigorous research, the clearest of operating plans—all are undermined because the key people behind them
have missed the reality of the situation for one reason or another.
The most common causes of such failures are filtered information,
selective hearing, wishful thinking, fear, emotional overinvestment,
and unrealistic expectations.2
The previous chapters described the frequent failure of willpower, and
argued that the inner elephant can be hard to control, unfocused, small
minded, and entrenched in recurring habit and thought patterns. The
inner elephant’s actions are often very different from our mental theories
and intentions. It is especially difficult to see oneself objectively. So this
chapter is going to address tendencies of the typical inner elephant,
three tendencies that distort your reality
39
namely the three that cause its inability to see reality. Seeing the world
accurately is not easy, even for fact-based businesspeople. The problem
is between our ears. Our perceptions are based more on our needs and
biases than on external events or data. Other people see supposed facts
differently than we do, and they see us differently from how we see
ourselves. For example, feedback from a personality questionnaire may
provide insight, but people’s ratings of their own personality do not
correlate strongly with other people’s ratings of them. Jane’s perception
of herself as agreeable and conscientious will be only modestly correlated
with her friends’ perceptions of her. Indeed, her friends’ perceptions
would show more agreement among themselves than they do with Jane’s
perception.3
Most distortions are in our favor. When I had a disagreement with
an academic paper coauthor about the ordering of our names (based on
our respective contributions to the research), it was because our minds
‘‘overclaimed’’ credit. This is common. Our minds exaggerated our own
contributions, so both of us were wrong. Perhaps our overclaiming
is no surprise, considering that 94 percent of college professors think
they do above-average work. Husbands and wives engage in the same
mental exaggeration when they overestimate their contribution to housework. The estimates of MBA students’ percentage contributions to a
team assignment have totaled 139 percent. Concerning athletic prowess,
60 percent of high school students saw themselves above average, 6 percent below. Judging their ability to get along with others, 60 percent
saw themselves to be in the top 10 percent, and 25 percent considered
themselves in the top 1 percent. Most people see themselves as having
above-average intelligence. Ninety percent of drivers consider themselves
to be safer than average.4 The departure from reality is revealed in nearly
everyone’s rating himself or herself above average on something.
Why do we distort reality so much? A big part of the reason is
that the elephant mind does not perceive reality—it makes up reality.
Perception is a mental construction, not an objective representation
of the external world. An objective stimulus in the world creates a
subjective reaction in your mind. Seeing a bag of potato chips might
trigger a like-dislike internal reaction of salivation or disgust. The inner
elephant’s mental interpretation is based on the reaction of hunger or
disgust, which is the basis for the decision whether to partake. The
external object is neutral. Your mind provides the positive or negative
tint through which it perceives objects. This happens so quickly that
the tint is hard to recognize. Your previous experiences determine your
reaction to everything, whether the object is scotch whiskey, potato chips,
your boss, your spouse, a political candidate, or the new Prius driving
40
by. If you have no experience with salty snacks, you probably will not
even notice a bag of potato chips. If you have experience, you may feel a
craving or repulsion that will shape your interpretation.
We see the world inside our heads, not the external world, and we
assume our internal picture is dead-on. The mind is so fast and seemingly
clear that we accept the internal picture uncritically and may be surprised
when someone disagrees with us. The real problem with our interpretation is not the false picture but rather our belief in the false picture. You
and I each think we see the world as it really is. The same world is there
for others to see, so, of course, they will agree with us. If not, they must
have been given inaccurate information or have misguided intentions that
need to be corrected. In some larger sense, we appreciate that different
viewpoints have value, but in the moment, it is hard to understand how
other people can be so blind or ignorant to the truth of how the world
is. Intelligent and right-thinking people see the world as we do.5
Each of us is trapped in our elephant-self’s thinking, which is based on
the limited experiences we use to interpret the world and know ourselves.
That leaves much room for error. The thoughts and pictures in our head
look real and true; hence they are difficult to transcend.
Our internal picture seems true enough to get us through the day,
but the reasoning behind it may not be solid. This is a bit like the
Hindu concept of maya, which says that the external world is an illusion.
Watching the world is like watching a dream, but we think it is real.
The buildings and people are literally there, so the illusion is in our
mind’s representation of them. Consider the Buddhist story of the farmer
paddling his boat upstream. He sees a larger vessel headed downstream
directly toward him. He tries to get his boat out of the way, and he
shouts to no avail. The boat crashes into his boat with a splintering
thump. Enraged, the farmer shouts at the boat’s driver, ‘‘You idiot! Are
you crazy? Why did you hit my boat?’’ Then he realized no one was in
the boat. It had broken free from the dock and floated downstream on
its own.
The point is that there is never anyone in the other boat. All vessels
are empty until we supply our interpretation. If you learn to slow things
down and see your own thoughts and interpretations, the illusion can
come into focus. Once you see it, a critical thought about someone, a
desire, a craving, or a feeling of frustration that habitually appears in
your mind can dissolve before your mind’s eye, the same way a dream
dissolves when you awaken.
There are various ways in which the inner elephant instantly and automatically distorts and influences our decisions and behaviors. No doubt
our mind is a complicated mass of images and desires. Our inner elephant
41
has quirks and tendencies for the inner executive to manage. Three of
the predictable tendencies of a typical inner elephant—judging others
and the self, creating illusions, and defending the self—are especially
important for sustaining false images and avoiding reality, both of which
may cause misperceptions and misjudgments.
Your Internal Judge
A reasonable question is, Can you be an effective leader when your mind
is constantly finding fault with others? While driving your car, have you
ever experienced critical thoughts toward another driver? Perhaps the
driver in front of you is going slowly when you want to go fast, or
the driver is talking on a cell phone and fails to respond to the green
traffic signal. Does your mind fill with negative thoughts toward the
other driver? I bet it does. Meet the internal judge, the first of your
inner elephant’s predictable tendencies. The judge may criticize in both
an outward or inward direction.
The inner elephant’s outward thoughts toward people tend to be
excessively and irrepressibly negative. Recall the like-o-meter described
in Chapter Two. If you are a human being, your thoughts are constantly
judging others and probably are not balanced between good and bad.
The inner elephant is more finely tuned to see things it does not like than
it is to see things it does like. It reacts to ‘‘bad’’ things more predictably,
strongly, and quickly than to good things. The evolutionary explanation
is that the mind had to be more vigilant toward threats in order for
primitive people to survive. Spotting a threatening predator is more
essential to survival than spotting berries for lunch. A negative bias is
good for the species.6 Thanks to evolution, when my wife does something
that annoys me, my mind reacts instantly with a critical thought, which
I have long since learned not to verbalize. When she does something
nice, the act often goes over my head unnoticed, so my mind remains
uncluttered with thoughts of thankfulness and appreciation.
Many of the managers I teach are not aware of how critical their minds
are because they have never thought about it. I suspect many people have
never known anything other than critical thoughts. John Izzo, author
of Awakening Corporate Soul and Values Shift, tells the story of a
research project at the University of British Columbia.7 Students were
given permission to observe family dynamics, and while so doing made
a mark for each positive (‘‘Good job, thank you’’) and negative (‘‘Get
yourself together; clean up your mess’’) statement. The ratio of positive to
negative comments was 1:13. This was shocking, but might be expected
in families with young children. A similar study of statements between
42
people in business revealed a positive-to-negative ratio of 1:8. The mental
preference for the negative was also found in a study of college student
gossip, which showed a relative frequency of positive to negative of 1:9.8
These scores of real interactions are far from the recommended ‘‘ideal’’
ratio for healthy marriages or work relationships of four or even five
positive statements to each negative statement.9
According to research at the Center for Creative Leadership, 75 percent
of managers with promising careers derailed because the managers displayed qualities such as an abrasive or insensitive style, arrogance, being
difficult to work with, constant disagreements with senior management,
and being poor at team building or involving staff.10 The negative bias
toward others is not a good motivational tool and will not enhance a
leader’s career. Unable to recognize or correct their inner elephant’s bad
habits, the managers were moved aside.
Examples of the internal judge as discovered by my MBA students
include the following:
‘‘The thing that usually sets me off about others is a lack of reason,
logic, or planning. Nor will I let myself be illogical. I am highly critical of others’ sloppy thinking.’’
‘‘I kept a log and wrote down 127 critical thoughts toward others
over three days. Most of the time I criticized their looks, style, and
posture.’’
‘‘I pay too much attention to people’s physical appearance and how
they act. I am alert to anything I don’t like, especially hair, loudness,
makeup, fitness, etc.’’
‘‘When I was accepted for a residency program, I checked out on
Facebook the co-residents I will be working with. I was flooded with
critical thoughts as I looked at their pages, evaluating their looks,
schools, and social life.’’
‘‘I kept a log of negative thoughts for one day. I am a school administrator. I counted 18 negative thoughts toward students and 241
toward adults during seven hours. I guess I don’t care much for parents and other adults.’’
The 241 was a record for my students. The negative judgments toward
others are based on personal like-dislike and do not represent a balanced
view or see the innate humanness of another person. This can be a
problem for a manager at work when negative feelings toward someone
flood her mind. Your judge sees things from a selfish point of view
and has little empathy or consideration toward others. It is hard to be
optimistic and motivate people when your mind is critical of them. If a
43
direct report makes a mistake that really annoys you, your judge may
react emotionally with an overly negative view of that person as a poor
team player; as having a bad attitude, lack of motivation, or lack of
engagement or commitment; or as a troublemaker causing conflict. These
conclusions may be exaggerations brought on by the inner elephant’s
annoyance and need to blame someone. The judge’s impulsive thoughts
are not good data on which to act. The inner executive’s job is to see and
detach from the harshly negative judgments so as to see the situation in a
balanced way. Action taken from the balanced perspective is more likely
to be correct. As mentioned in Chapter Two, a manager has to make
hard judgment calls, but without the need to be negatively and harshly
judgmental.
Another reasonable question: Can you be an effective leader when
your mind is constantly finding fault with you? The judge will often
turn its criticism inward, which is sometimes called the inner critic, the
superego, or the voice of judgment.11 This is the automatic voice of blame
and criticism inside your head that points out how inadequate you are.
It constantly evaluates your behavior. It whispers, ‘‘You handled that
badly,’’ ‘‘I am too old [young, inexperienced, poorly educated] for
that job,’’ ‘‘I can’t stand this anymore,’’ ‘‘Don’t ask her on a date—you’ll
be rejected,’’ ‘‘People will think badly of me if I speak up,’’ ‘‘Why can’t
I be more serious [thinner, more handsome, happier]?’’ And so on.
The unfortunate impact of the inner self-judgments is that they inhibit
your leadership behavior. The judge raises doubt, reduces self-confidence,
and increases fear that others are thinking badly about you, thereby
blocking your underlying creativity and initiative. The internal judge
keeps you from acting on the possibilities in life by keeping you timid,
safe, inhibited, fearful, and unloving. The internal judge is like a bad
headache, which, if removed, will yield a big increase in leadership
creativity and capacity.
The internal judge was designed to play a useful role in your life.
Having a voice to tell you to eat your vegetables, drive the speed limit,
and not drink too much alcohol helps keep you on track. Setting a high
standard that motivates you to greater effort and higher achievement
is a good thing. We can live with a moderate judge. Too often, however, your judge is upholding an ego ideal or unrealistic standard set
during your childhood that for the most part you have outgrown. You
made early decisions about ideal standards for yourself based on feedback from parents, friends, and society. The greater the distance between
your self-concept and your ego ideal, the louder and harsher the voice of
the internal judge. If you do not compare well to your high ideal, even if
it is unrealistic, you will take a beating from your judge. Moreover, your
44
judge is likely to be louder and more punishing during times of stress,
when you feel depressed, when you are alone in a gathering of strangers,
after making a mistake, or when someone is upset with you.
Your internal judge is not adding to your leadership capability. When
I introduce this concept to a group of managers, many discover that the
internal judge had held them back, mostly because they were not aware
of that voice. They took the voice for granted, believed it was telling the
truth, and were not conscious of its inhibiting effect. I have found a few
fortunate managers who have a subdued critic that does not play much
of a role in their lives. For the rest of us, a key learning is to recognize
the voice and see that it does not tell you the truth. This is a big step
toward increasing the inner executive’s awareness, which will enable you
to ignore or perhaps extinguish the critic at some point. Following are
some written comments provided to me by MBA students and managers
discovering their judge’s criticisms of themselves. See if you recognize
yourself in any of these statements.
‘‘I realized that judging other people and especially myself are a huge
part of my life.’’
‘‘When peers give me good feedback, I believe it is not true. My inner
critic says, ‘they don’t know the ‘‘real’’ me.’ I am afraid people will
find out that I really have no idea what I’m doing.’’
‘‘My critic kept telling me that it’s sappy to make people happy and
that I appease people too easily.’’
‘‘My inner critic obsesses about body image and work performance.
Everything I do I am comparing, judging, wishing, regretting. I hold
myself to perfection and strive to meet that goal. I judge others badly
if they don’t hold to the same level of perfection. Now I see all that
was stupid and irrelevant.’’
‘‘I noticed that my inner critic assumes that I know what others think
of me. Self-critical thoughts emerged through the personification of
some other person’s thoughts about me. I cannot possibly know for
certain what anyone thinks of me.’’
‘‘I was amazed at the number of times I criticize myself in one day.
Many times, I blame myself and feel guilty for procrastination and
falling short of my plan.’’
‘‘I think my elephant absorbed societal judgments. My inner Judge
hits me with a long list—too fat, lazy, not smart, bad leader, slow
worker, bad writer, and so on.’’
‘‘I am not sure who I would be without these critical thoughts
toward myself; however, I would like to reduce the role they play in
45
my life. They tear me up inside at times, and cast doubt on several
things I attempt to do. I regret that I am so conditioned to them that
they influence my behavior.’’
The overly harsh judgments and criticisms toward yourself and others
are a problem because they distort reality. That may be hard for you to
see if you have believed that voice your entire life. You are conditioned,
so it takes time to disentangle from the judge so that your inner executive
can see things objectively. The judge voices a one-sided view that is
always negative. These thoughts arise in your mind based on your fears
and childhood experiences. You believe the thoughts because they are
all you know. You identify with the critical thoughts, and think you
created them. Not true. You are caught in the grip of the inner elephant’s
entrenched and automatic thought pattern. Remember, your critical
thoughts are a biased interpretation of events. The judge never speaks the
balanced truth. By learning to ‘‘see’’ the critical thoughts as automatic
pop-ups in your mind and by using your inner executive to interpret them
objectively, you will no longer believe them and can start to gain power
over them.
Your Internal Magician
Italian journalist Ricardo Orizio interviewed seven exiled dictators,
including ‘‘Baby Doc’’ Duvalier of Haiti and Uganda’s Idi Amin. He
chose dictators who had fallen from power to learn if they had gained perspective on their actions. Newspapers and history books would describe
these dictators as ruthless, immoral, crazy, and power hungry. Yet they
saw themselves as victims, unfairly treated by those who brought them to
power and betrayed by constituencies they were trying to help. They saw
the damage inflicted (ordering the deaths of three hundred thousand people, or plundering a nation into endless misery) as essential steps to save
their country. Self-justification was the hallmark of all the interviewees.
Their minds believed their own reasonable and rational explanations for
their abominable actions. The last thought that would occur to these
wretched individuals would be to apologize for the atrocities they and
their comrades committed.12
How do we explain these mental gymnastics? Another predictable
tendency of the inner elephant is the magician, which makes up experiences and interpretations from thin air. The magician part of your
mind confabulates, which means that it automatically fills in mental gaps
with fabrications that you believe to be true. At one extreme are the
people who have a memory disorder and tell, and believe, stories about
46
their abduction by creatures from outer space or of visiting their parent
yesterday despite the parent’s death ten years ago. Some ‘‘recovered
memories’’ about early childhood experiences or abuse may also contain
confabulations. On a simpler level, if a student is given a story to read and
then asked to retell it from memory, there will be errors of commission as
well as omission. Students will add details that make sense to them, and
they will believe the story additions to be true from memory. Our need
for things to be consistent and rational influences our memory recall.
Anybody can confabulate, even people with good memories and
healthy personalities. The simple explanations for stock market changes
(for example, ‘‘The price of oil went up $.50 today, so the market went
down’’) provided on the evening news look like confabulations to meet the
need for rationality. The inner elephant hungers for simple, rational explanations, and will fabricate—and believe its own fabrications—when
necessary. In one experiment, people were shown cards with pictures
of faces, and asked to choose the most attractive. With sleight of hand
the pictures were switched before the subject was asked for a detailed
explanation for the selection. Looking at the wrong picture, subjects provided elaborate explanations about the eyes, hair color, and personality
of the substituted face. The internal magician routinely provides rational
explanations it believes to be true when people do not know why they
made a particular choice.13
Another example occurs with hypnosis, when subjects will give rational
explanations for behavior caused by posthypnotic suggestions. A subject
was told that when the clock chimed, he was to walk up to Mr. White,
place a lampshade on his head, then kneel down and say ‘‘Cuckoo’’ three
times. Mr. White was a gloomy, nonhumorous individual. When the
clock chimed, the subject precisely carried out the suggestion.
He was asked, ‘‘What in the world are you doing?’’ The subject replied,
‘‘Well, I’ll tell you. It sounds queer but it’s just a little experiment in
psychology. I’ve been reading on the psychology of humor and I thought
I’d see how you folks reacted to a joke that was in very bad taste. Please
pardon me, Mr. White, no offense intended whatsoever.’’14
It did not occur to the subject that he did not know why he acted so
unpredictably. And the hypnotized man believed his own fictitious explanation. The mind’s internal magician will readily fabricate explanations
that justify our decisions and behavior.
This has relevance for managers because they will be inclined to fill
in seemingly ‘‘true’’ details to justify a course of action or an intuitive
decision made without careful investigation of facts. The recent book by
Scott McClellan, What Happened, claimed that President Bush made big
decisions largely on instinct and without digging into the underlying facts.
47
If that is the case, then it would not be a surprise if the internal magicians
of the president, the vice president, and other advisers who believed in
a decision made up logic to defend it, and they would genuinely believe
their logic.
Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, says that the brain is so good at the filling-in trick that we are not
aware it is happening. We tend to accept the brain’s products uncritically
and expect them to be true.15 For example, Sir Clive Thompson was the
highly successful CEO of Rentokil in Europe in the 1980s and 1990s.
Profits increased 20 percent every year for a decade from acquisitions of
small companies with excellent margins. To maintain growth, Thompson
decided to change strategy and acquire large companies. One acquisition increased Rentokil’s size by 30 percent, which was followed by
another that more than doubled the company’s size. These large deals
proved unsuccessful, with share value falling in half and then falling in
half again. What was Thompson thinking? Groups of his managers had
voiced skepticism and argued that prior success with acquisitions would
not apply to large companies. A subsequent analysis suggested that part
of the problem was Thompson’s flawed pattern recognition: to him the
large acquisitions seemed similar to small ones, but they also were very
different. Thompson’s mind filled in the difference gaps, rendering him
incapable of hearing the contrary evidence his managers were offering.
The unconscious filling in misled him badly. The company was unable to
recover, and Thompson was asked to resign.16
Probably the most persistent and widespread appearance of the magician is in people’s assumption and belief that they intentionally think
their own thoughts. The first chapter described how the inner elephant
is something of a bio-computer that operates automatically most of the
time. Thoughts, desires, anxiety, emotions, fears, and cravings appear
in our minds on their own without effort on our part. Yet we often
act as if every one of these was created by us. We are attached to
our mental positions and will often fight for and defend a thought
as if it were engraved in stone and delivered from on high. We will
attempt to win any argument that challenges the opinion appearing
in our mind, especially in the realms of religion, politics, values, or
hiring decisions. Yet with practice and awareness, we can learn to distinguish between thoughts that show up automatically and those we
create intentionally. We can learn to discriminate between the automatic
thoughts we want to hold on to and those we want to ignore. This
discrimination involves the higher-level awareness of the inner executive,
which can be strengthened with exercises and practices described later in
this book.
48
Your Internal Attorney
The attorney is another predictable tendency of your inner elephant. Your
attorney is in charge of the psychological immune system, which protects
you from the pain of rejection, failure, loss, and other misfortunes. You
probably recall from a psychology course that people have psychological
defenses, such as repression, reaction formation, scapegoating, denial,
and projection. A well-developed internal attorney will do just about
anything to distort reality to protect you from truths that may hurt. The
attorney will jump in to defend you against others and will even convince
you that a mistake is not your fault. The attorney is on permanent
retainer and will act in the blink of an eye. It acts like a psychological
immune system that defends the mind against unhappiness in the same
way that the physical immune system defends the body against illness.
Unfortunately, when the attorney is effective, it makes us immune to
reality.17
Natalie is an administrative assistant in an office furniture outlet. Her
boss took off on a two-week vacation and did not tell her about it. Natalie
had ongoing projects to coordinate with him and no way to reach him,
causing much difficulty for her. When he returned, she brought up the
subject to figure out a better procedure in the future. He responded,
‘‘I don’t have to tell you when or where I go on vacation. You are not
my keeper.’’ The boss’s inner attorney defended against any suggestion
of wrongdoing, and he sounded like a child reacting to a parent.
Ethan is director of parts inventory for a snowmobile dealership,
and the computer records were found to be inaccurate. Ethan designed
the inventory control system. He said that his mind concluded that
his people were making mistakes or that perhaps shop personnel were
completing forms incorrectly. He couldn’t believe that his system or his
own leadership was the cause of the problem. I once heard a professor
blame the school and the students for his low teaching evaluations. ‘‘If
the school would recruit students capable of understanding what I teach,
my evaluations would be just fine.’’
What is the common theme underlying these examples of internal
attorneys? Chris Argyris has spent much of his career studying defense
mechanisms among organization managers. He concluded that defense mechanisms are always anti-learning. When the internal attorney
goes on the defensive, it blocks investigation into the manager’s reasoning
process. The attorney is focused only on protecting a conclusion, not
on finding the truth. It will typically state its conclusions, claim they
are valid, and then not allow inquiry into the conclusions. ‘‘Don’t
argue with me. Do it my way. I know what I am talking about.’’ These
49
defensive statements are self-serving and overprotective. The harm to the
individual and the organization arises from the elimination of accurate
feedback, inquiry, and hence productive growth and change.
The defenses of senior managers can quickly become defensive routines
for their organization. Defensive routines are thoughts and actions that
protect old ways of doing business and dealing with a management team’s
reality.18 In other words, defensive routines occur when everyone drinks
the Kool-Aid about the organization’s way of doing business, and hence
managers refuse to examine their views.
In one company, senior executives designed a resource allocation
committee to fund improvement projects from several divisions. The
division heads made excellent presentations that reflected much time and
effort and creativity. The senior executives at the company developed a
project list in order of funding priority and opened the list for discussion.
The president felt that the ordeal was painful for managers because
the rejections hurt. The dollars available were insufficient to cover all
requests, and the senior executives did not enjoy explaining their reasoning. To prevent this emotional pain the next year, the procedure was
changed to ask managers to send in written proposals, and the committee
made its decisions in secret.
The lack of discussion reduced the pain, at least for the senior executives, but sharply reduced learning for division participants. Because
division managers could not learn the reasoning behind the decisions,
especially with regard to the unfunded projects, they concocted schemes to
fund their projects surreptitiously, such as by hiring part-time employees
who were not part of the standard budget.19
Another problem with the internal attorney is that it prevents employees from assuming personal responsibility for problems and mistakes.
It will blame others. The owner of a boutique consulting firm told
me that the one quality he could not tolerate in a consultant was the
inability to admit mistakes. A strong internal attorney would prevent a
consultant, and hence the consulting firm, from accepting mistakes and
thereby adapting to clients’ needs. The second time he saw a consultant
blame someone else for a personal mistake, the consultant was in trouble.
A strong internal attorney acknowledges only successes while blaming
others for perceived failures. Managers with limited internal attorneys
are typically more flexible and valuable because of the learning they
facilitate by taking personal responsibility.
The internal attorney’s defenses are automatic. People do not defend
themselves with thoughtful intention. They typically are not aware of
what they are doing. The internal attorney instinctively defends a viewpoint to hold on to beliefs or self-image. A typical defense tries to
50
minimize negative feelings and not rock the boat by bringing up personal
issues. The misguided belief that impersonal rationality is the way to
resolve issues is the driving force for avoiding personal feedback and
relationship issues.
Vanderbilt’s EMBA program assigns students into a permanent study
group for two years. I serve as ‘‘group doctor’’ to facilitate discussion
of group issues. It is hard for many of these managers to bring up
complaints about each other, even when the group members want to hear
it. No one wants to be seen as rocking the boat. Group members typically
ignore issues until someone is too upset to keep quiet. Surprisingly to
the groups, a discussion of interpersonal dynamics, when held, clears the
air and enables everyone to learn and improve. Misery is transformed
into satisfaction simply by talking through perceived work inequities that
bothered some group members. The internal attorney’s protectiveness
blocks this kind of discussion.
•••
The three predictable mental tendencies of every inner elephant are the
judge, the magician, and the attorney. The judge is overly critical of
the self and others, the magician makes up stories to explain our behavior
in rational terms, and the attorney defends our mistakes as if they were
not mistakes at all. All these mental tendencies are designed to maintain
a sense of psychological well-being, but in fact they prevent us from
facing reality. All of us are living within our own view of ourselves
and the world, and usually we are not even aware of our particular
worldview because it is so well protected. Everyone has well-worn ruts of
thinking and behaving that are held in place with self-justification. Robert
Wright, author of The Moral Animal, said this of what I am calling the
inner elephant: ‘‘[it] is, in large part, a machine for winning arguments,
a machine for convincing others that its owner is in the right—and thus a
machine for convincing its owner of the same thing.’’20
Perhaps equally important, we are always doing what is right in our
own mind. We are doing the best we can within our own system of
perceptions and interpretations that reflect the limited framework of our
mind. Every thought, interpretation, and action is just the right thing
in that moment to each of us, even if it horrifies others. Every thought
that appears is a conditioned response that served a valuable purpose
at one time in our life, even if it is dysfunctional now. We will only
act on what is in our mind until we learn to see its limitations. We
can learn to peek outside our own worldview and thought patterns by
developing the higher consciousness of our inner executive. Once we
51
see how automatic our behavior is, and how self-reinforcing our own
thinking is, it becomes easier not to take ourselves too seriously. We
can be much more accepting and tolerant of ourselves and others once
we see the basis of our perceptions and misperceptions. Using our inner
executive with its balanced view of things can go a long way toward
facing a new and more accurate reality.
4
•
Every Leader’s Six
Mental Mistakes
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall
never cease to be amused.
—Anonymous
All explorers are seeking something they have lost. It is seldom
that they find it, and more seldom that the attainment brings
them greater happiness than the quest.
—Arthur C. Clarke
when i first came to vanderbilt, I struck up a friendship with a
professor named Allison. Allison was out of town when a question came
up that needed a decision about a family gathering she was going to
attend. Allison’s assistant could not reach her, and had seen us together,
so she asked me about it. I saw the right answer immediately. The
solution was obvious, so I told the assistant to go ahead on my say-so.
When Allison returned and learned what I had done, she was livid. My
decision was a huge mistake for her and her family and caused them
much grief. The good thing about Allison was that she did not suppress
her sentiments. She spoke directly into my face as she checked off the
long list of faults that made me an impossible person with whom to be a
52
every leader’s six mental mistakes
53
friend. As her momentum built, she got to the final item that made me
utterly insufferable. ‘‘And the absolute worst thing about you is that you
trust your own perceptions. And let me tell you Dick Daft, you don’t
know shit!’’
After much contemplation, I saw that Allison was right. My mind had
instantly concluded that it knew the right answer and reacted instantly
with that ‘‘right’’ answer, but it had not evaluated concrete data about the
family gathering or waited to gather other perspectives, including hers.
My mind had made many assumptions about the facts of her situation,
about my ability to understand her situation, and about whether I had
a right to assert my opinion. Allison was correct. Trusting my instant
interpretation as if it were absolute truth was the cause of her grief. My
mind had believed its own perception and had reached a conclusion that
had no more substance than air.
The images in our heads are bright and clear, and seem so true. Yet
our inner elephant’s distorted thinking can readily lead us astray. This
chapter is going to explore some perceptual habits of the inner elephant
that get in the way of seeing the world accurately: its tendency to react
too quickly, think too inflexibly, want too much control, feel emotional
avoidance or attraction, exaggerate the future, and seek satisfaction in
the wrong places.
Reacting Too Quickly
I was visiting the founder and CEO of a medium-size company. I asked
him why his office was on a separate floor from the hubbub of management and operations. He explained that when problems came up, he was
unable to resist his reaction to tell people what to do, so he had moved his
office away from day-to-day problems. His reactions that worked when
the company was small were now seen as intrusive micromanagement.
He had to remove himself from the action because he couldn’t stop his
compulsion to fix things his way.
Managers live in a reactive world. Having been a manager, I appreciate
that an entire day is one e-mail after another, one phone call after another,
one problem after another—all requiring quick action. Quick responses
are often needed, and work well when you can pause a moment to see
the bigger picture and provide a wise response. Otherwise, you may
find yourself only reacting automatically rather than acting from your
intentions. Dany Levy, founder of DailyCandy.com, said, ‘‘I have gotten
better about not checking my e-mail as incessantly. . . . Everything I was
doing was just a reaction to something.’’1 John Donohoe, president and
CEO of eBay, described the same trap: if he spent all day checking his
54
BlackBerry, he became reactive rather than proactive: ‘‘Being reactive is a
lot easier than being proactive, and e-mail and the BlackBerry are natural
tools to facilitate that.’’2
Sometimes a too-quick reaction has an emotional charge. Richard
Anderson, CEO of Delta Airlines, said that in senior jobs there is a
tendency to push really hard and that change can never be fast enough.
Early in his career he would react with a temper, which he now sees as
squelching debate and sending a terrible signal about how the managers
reporting to him should act. His CEO at the time took him aside and gave
him a serious instruction about his temper, which changed his approach.
His advice for leaders now is to hold back the instant reaction: ‘‘You
have to be patient enough and make sure that you always remain calm.’’3
A less damaging reaction I often see is the interrupting of someone who
is speaking. The manager’s interruptions are not hostile, but sometimes
convey irritation and lack of patience toward the speaker. Other times the
interruption just seems a strong impulse to make one’s own point right
now rather than wait. The interruption signals a lack of calm presence to
hear someone out.
Have you ever overreacted to something or interrupted someone when
your point seemed urgent? Instant reactions often feel urgent, which
makes the impulse hard to control. If you feel that urgency, when you were
a child your inner elephant probably wanted to ‘‘eat the marshmallow.’’
In a study at Stanford, preschool children were offered a marshmallow
to eat. If the children could refrain from eating it until the researcher
returned from an errand (fifteen minutes, which children were not told),
she would give them a second marshmallow. So the preschoolers could
choose between one marshmallow now or two marshmallows later.
Researchers followed the children over the next twenty years, and a
striking difference appeared between those who ate the first marshmallow
and those who waited. The children who resisted their impulse showed
greater life resilience, handled stress better, more persistently pursued
goals in the face of difficulty, were more confident and dependable, and
took more initiative than those who ate the marshmallow immediately.
At that early age, some of the children already were managing their inner
elephant, and it paid off with greater maturity and success as an adult.
Follow-up research supports the finding that self-control at an early age
is an excellent predictor of long- and short-term success, sometimes more
reliably than IQ tests.4
Too-fast reactions come up easily at work. Being patient is hard. In
one case, Lance, the marketing director, saw Nate, his direct report, leave
the office of the chief marketing officer (Lance’s boss). Nate looked both
ways, then walked the opposite direction down the hall. Lance noticed
55
that Nate was carrying a file for their biggest client. Lance was furious
and followed Nate to his office, where Nate looked flushed as he faced
his boss and said, ‘‘What’s up, Lance?’’
‘‘What do you think you’re trying to pull? Why didn’t you come to see
me about the Philips account? Who do you think you report to? If you
want to discuss our accounts, come to me. If you ever go around me again
to see Mark, you will be out of this organization! Now, tell me what’s
going on.’’
Lance was embarrassed and apologetic when he heard Nate’s explanation. Nate had inadvertently dinged the CMO’s car in the parking lot and
went to see him before refiling the Philips material that he was working
on at home. He was flustered about telling the CMO, who wasn’t too
upset. Fortunately, the insurance companies would handle it.5
Have you ever reacted too quickly? What is the second-fastest thing in
the universe? It is your mind jumping to the wrong conclusion based on
skimpy data. It happens all the time. In this case, the marketing director’s
inner elephant jumped to the instant conclusion that he was being left
out. Rather than assume the best and gather data to be on solid ground,
he spoke to Nate from his premature conclusion, which came across as
an attack.
There is nothing unusual about the mind’s tendency to jump to instant
conclusions. Our inner elephants have radar-like vigilance to threats
in the environment, and instantly judge, conclude, and react based
on small scraps of data. Neuroscience research supports the view that
many decisions are instantaneous and not conscious. Serious intention is
required to slow things down. By scanning the brains of people as they
make decisions, researchers have shown that the choice-making regions
of the brain are activated before people are aware they have made a
choice. The rationale for the decision is constructed after the fact.6 If
the marketing director had engaged his inner executive, he would have
ignored his initial reaction, stepped back to acquire more information,
and assumed positive intent from Nate. Slowing down your reaction
will typically produce a better response. Robert Iger, CEO of Disney,
corroborates this idea in noting that an important leadership lesson he
learned was to ‘‘manage reaction time better. What I mean by that is
not overreacting to things that are said to me, because sometimes it’s
easy to do.’’7
The inferences in our heads seem so true in the moment. The most
extreme example I heard was of the senior vice president who became
suspicious when people around him started acting funny after the CEO
was to retire in order to have heart surgery. Thinking he was in line for
the job, the VP noticed that people were avoiding him and not answering
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his calls. He concluded that a rival would get the job, and wrote a letter of
resignation to present at the next day’s emergency board meeting. When
he arrived at the boardroom, he discovered that it was a surprise party for
both his upcoming birthday and his promotion to CEO, which explained
the secrecy. Luckily for him, he still had that letter in his pocket.8
In another case of instant wrong reaction, a young manager was making
an important presentation. His boss was in the audience and looked at his
watch a couple of times about midway through. The presenter saw that
the presentation was not going well, so he rushed through the remaining
points, cutting the presentation short. Afterward he apologized to his
boss. The boss responded that he loved the presentation, and had even
checked his watch to see about rearranging his schedule to stay longer at
the meeting.
All these incidents show how reacting too quickly, which the inner
elephant does so naturally, often leads to a dead wrong conclusion except
in the mind of the beholder. In addition, the beholder believes the instant
conclusion so intensely that the inner elephant may defend the wrongheaded conclusion against contrary evidence.
Inflexible Thinking
Once the inner elephant jumps to a conclusion about something, it typically does not like to change its mind. Your inner magician and attorney
will fill in any needed details and defend against competing views. Why?
To maintain your sense of well-being, prevent or reduce psychological
pain, and let you feel good about yourself. Once your inner elephant settles on a viewpoint or belief, it resists letting go. For example, one study
recruited adult males who were committed Republicans or Democrats.
The subjects listened to several statements about the presidential candidate they supported and the one they opposed. Then they heard a
statement that each candidate had just reversed his position. Both the
Democrats and the Republicans judged the opposing candidate harshly
for the reversal and let their own candidate off the hook. The same data
about opposing candidates were interpreted to fit within the subjects’
existing views.9 Once a person’s underlying beliefs are locked in, they are
very difficult to change with data, which are interpreted to fit with the
person’s viewpoint.
One reason views are hard to change is that the mind’s conclusions are
anchored in emotions. The brain activity in the political study was caught
on MRI film, and showed that subjects’ choices were strongly influenced
by unconscious emotional reactions. These brain images confirmed that
people react to data or events with an instinctive gut response. The
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gut response is an immediate like-dislike or yes-no, and then cognitive
justification follows to support what the gut liked in the first place. (This
is how I buy a car. My gut decides quickly, then my wife hears the
subsequent logical arguments that justify spending the money.) Changing
that gut feeling for or against something is not easy. It takes a welldeveloped inner executive to know when to ignore the gut. The gut
feeling may be right, or it may be wrong. No matter, because the
conclusions are as hard to change as telling you to stop liking your
favorite beverage or snack food and to start liking ones you detest. These
preferences hold up over time and cause you to pick out bits of new data
that confirm your beliefs.
Have you tried to discuss politics, religion, or other emotion-laden
topics with people who have strong beliefs? Did you change their mind?
My guess is that you can provide fact after fact with no impact. I saw
a TV news documentary about a natural history museum developed by
believers in creationism. There were dinosaur exhibits just like those in
any other natural history museum, but the guide explained to visitors
that the dinosaur events all happened during the last six thousand years.
The inner elephant has what psychologists call a confirmation bias—that
is, it pays attention to data that confirm its beliefs and ignores evidence
that undermines them. People tend to interpret things to fit their beliefs
rather than use unbiased thinking.10
Executives are not exempt from inflexible thinking. The press characterized Richard Fuld, ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers, as the poster boy for
staying attached to his own belief that all decisions were made correctly
prior to Lehman’s bankruptcy. The district attorney in the 2006 rape
case against Duke University lacrosse players stuck to his guns until after
he lost the case, despite skimpy evidence against the students. He was
eventually disbarred after the fiasco. Marshall Goldsmith, author and
well-known senior executive coach, told a story about his clients’ lack
of flexibility. He posed this story to them: You want to go to dinner at
restaurant X, and your significant other wants to go to restaurant Y. You
have a heated argument. You go to restaurant Y. The food and service
are terrible. Do you critique the food and point out that your partner
was wrong, or do you shut up and make the best of it? Seventy-five
percent of Marshall’s clients would say something like, ‘‘See, I was right.
I told you this place stinks,’’ putting into words their inflexibility.11 It
is very hard to let go of your own gut feelings and mental preferences.
It is all you know. The mind-set, habits, and skills that made you successful tell you to stick to your guns. However, things change, and if
the mind does not accept the current reality, it can create problems for
everyone.
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Wanting Control
The inner elephant has a real desire for control, probably as a way to feel
safe. For example, have you noticed that you are more vigilant when you
ride in the passenger’s seat rather than in the driver’s seat? When you are
not in control, the car seems to go faster, the car in front looks closer,
and you are likely to push on an imaginary brake. When driving, you
may feel nervous or frustrated about drivers you see chatting on cell
phones, but feel perfectly comfortable talking on a cell phone yourself.
As a homeowner, you may be skeptical about the use of pesticides by
neighbors, farmers, or corporations, but feel okay with the pesticides
you use.12 Your inner elephant is more comfortable when you are in
control. Research into waiting times in phone booths and parking lots
offers other examples. People take longer to wrap up a phone call or to
leave a parking spot when they know someone is waiting, as if they slow
down and refuse to be rushed as a way to stay in control.13
Chris Argyris’s research into manager defense mechanisms found that
the organizational hierarchy often generates a struggle for control. In
a so-called decentralized company, headquarters told division heads,
‘‘You are in charge.’’ Division managers liked this idea and adopted the
attitude, ‘‘If you trust me, you will leave me alone.’’ Then the trouble
started. Headquarters wanted to be involved beyond normal accountability reports. Division managers typically resented the intrusion. Argyris
argued that even if the HQ and division managers switched places, and
thus had great empathy for their counterparts, the control dynamic would
be the same. The struggle over control perpetuates in organizations and
seldom gets resolved.14
Giving away control is something many managers have to learn because
it often seems more efficient to them to maintain control. If your inner
elephant micromanages other people, your satisfaction will be at their
expense. Your inner executive can honor people’s need for control so
that they feel safe, happy, and motivated to achieve high performance.
Probably the most famous control study discussed in business schools
is the experiment using loud random noises to disrupt subjects’ work.
Some groups were given a button to push if they felt it was absolutely
necessary to terminate the noise. Other groups had no button. None of
the people with the button actually used it, but the feeling of control
made the noise less disturbing. Subjects who had no control button to
reduce the random noise were more annoyed and gave up on difficult
tasks more easily. Giving people a control button had a positive impact
on performance.15
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Ellen Langer’s research in a nursing home demonstrated other benefits
of feeling in control. On one floor, residents were given control over many
aspects of their daily life—choosing plants, watering them, and selecting
movie night, for example. The administrator gave a talk to residents
emphasizing their responsibility for themselves. On another floor of the
nursing home, the administrator’s talk stressed the staff’s responsibility to
care for residents as patients. The nurses selected and watered the plants,
selected movie night, and so on. The result was that the responsibilityinduced patients became more active and reported feeling happier and
more alert than the residents who were encouraged to feel that the staff
would take care of them. The more astonishing outcome was that only
15 percent of the responsibility-induced group died during the subsequent
eighteen months compared to 30 percent in the cared-for group.16 When
the nurses intentionally relinquished control, residents thrived.
Findings like these may explain why, when people do not have control,
their minds may engage in something called the illusion of control, in
which they believe they have more control than is actually the case.17
They ignore reality to believe they are in control even when outcomes
are random or unconnected to their behaviors. I have watched colleagues
who understand statistics bet on craps or the roulette wheel or dog races.
I could see the illusion of control in the way they blew on the dice, threw
hard or soft, and searched for the correct roulette number. The law of
large numbers says that the underlying odds always prevail over time,
and of course the house will win, yet gamblers believe they can make
a difference. Anyone is susceptible to superstitions, which are attempts
to gain control over the uncontrollable, which again is an illusion. An
authoritarian manager’s illusion of control can be seen in the attempt
to have complete control over others, when in fact people will defy and
undercut that control behind his back.
The point is pretty clear that everyone’s inner elephant wants to have
control and is happier when in control. The lesson for leaders is to engage
their inner executive to give control to others. Alan Mullaly, CEO of
Ford, told the story of his first job as an engineering supervisor. He had
to approve the work of other engineers. After the fourteenth draft to
meet Mullaly’s standard, one engineer quit. When Mullaly asked why,
the engineer said Mullaly might make a good supervisor someday, but
right now, ‘‘this is just too much for me to be supervised this tightly.’’18
That experience taught Mullaly that his job as supervisor was to engage
a bigger picture of mission and purpose (inner executive) and let people
be in control of their own work.
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Emotional Avoidance and Attraction
I like the story from India about a young man hiking in the hills with
a walking stick. At dusk, he saw a poisonous snake on the trail and
shouted an alarm. He beat the snake to death and then headed for home.
The next morning he returned with a friend to see the dead snake, and
found he had beaten not a snake but a rope. His mind had imagined the
very thing he was afraid of and had not seen what was really there on
the ground. Likewise, the mind has the potential to see a gold chain in the
place of a rope. The illusion depends on the inner elephant’s emotional
connection to what it sees.
You and I are guided through life and work by the thoughts, ideas,
desires, impulses, dislikes, gut feelings, and so on that appear in our minds.
The vast majority of these thoughts and images show up automatically in
our heads without any conscious intention on our part. This is the way
we are designed, and it works fine, most of the time. The problem occurs
when you want to perform a task and your inner elephant does not, or
your inner elephant desires to do an activity that your inner executive
does not. Many problems our inner elephant faces in a leadership role
can be boiled down to these two issues. We know we should perform
a task, yet our inner elephant balks or refuses as if seeing a snake, and
we end up in a state of avoidance or procrastination. Or we choose
not to do something, and our inner elephant surges ahead anyway out
of attraction and habit, potentially causing a problem for ourselves or
others. An extreme case of avoidance would be a phobia (for example, of
heights or spiders) that freezes us in terror. An extreme case of attraction
would be an addiction (alcohol, work) that we cannot resist. Phobias
and addictions are beyond the scope of this book, but some ideas for
handling these extremes also work for gaining mastery over your inner
elephant’s annoying attraction and avoidance habits.
Avoidance
Let’s consider your wish to do something when your inner elephant balks
and will not go forward. Let us say you have a report due at the end
of the week, and you are avoiding it. You would love to complete it,
but cannot get yourself started. This is procrastination, which afflicts
nearly everyone at some point. I see it occasionally with managers as
well as with students and professors. For example, a manager fails to
follow up as agreed or delays providing information as promised. One
manager wanted to spend more time walking around talking to people
and visiting customers, but always delayed doing so in favor of working
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on operational matters. Another manager did not want to take time to
consult with others about decisions, despite knowing she should do
so and even after promising her people she would do so. Yet another
manager promised to submit two employees’ work for company awards
and delayed until the deadline passed.
To procrastinate means to ‘‘delay an intended course of action despite
expecting to be worse off for the delay.’’19 You do not want to delay, but
do it anyway, because your inner elephant resists more strongly than your
intention. You can try to force yourself to do the activity, and sometimes
that works, especially if close to a strict deadline. But it is stressful to
work at the last minute. Procrastination is the opposite of flow, which is
the effortless absorption in a task with full mental involvement, energy,
and focus.
Procrastination is real pain. It is an invisible barrier in your mind
that prevents you from moving into a task. The reason is that there is
something about the avoided task or situation that your inner elephant
perceives as a subtle threat. You probably don’t feel actual fear, as in the
case of a phobia, but the fear emotion is underneath, and you are aware
that you are avoiding something. Resistance to a task means that the task
symbolizes something from your past that triggers modest anxiety, and
hence your inner elephant wants to avoid it. Modest anxiety typically
happens quickly and automatically below the surface of your awareness.
Attraction
Attraction or desire is a strong feeling of longing for an object, sensation,
or outcome. You may feel desire for a cup of coffee in the morning or
several Diet Cokes during the day, to do certain favored tasks when you
are working, or to click on the e-mails that interest you most. In the
world at large, desire can cause problems by enslaving people to their
wants for money, food, status, comfort, love, and so on. The desire of
investors for predictable high returns and to be part of an ‘‘in-group’’
helped Bernie Madoff succeed with his Ponzi scheme. Desire is the basis
for most financial scams. The attorney who was coexecutor of Brooke
Astor’s estate is under indictment for his desire to steal money from the
estate. He admitted that he had to keep a closer eye on the ‘‘bad things
inside’’ him that he could not control.20
The attractions that appear in our minds are powerful, as illustrated
in Homer’s description of Odysseus’s escape from the sea nymphs whose
singing was so alluring that sailors would jump overboard to pursue
them. Odysseus asked his men to bind him to the mast, forbidding them
to release him until after they had passed the sirens’ island. Then he
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ordered his men to plug their ears with wax. When he heard the singing,
he struggled to release himself, begging to be untied. His men were deaf
to his entreaties and stayed the course, saving Odysseus and the ship.21
Strong attractions, such as the need for perfection, can cause problems
for managers. A few of my MBA students are perfectionists who can’t
restrain their desire to redo a group project to make it look the way they
want, even after I explain that this behavior is fatal for leaders who have
to accomplish work through others. Managers may also feel the need to
act on their unthinking desire always to be right rather than let other
people shine, to perpetually find fault with other people’s ideas, to win
every disagreement, to blame others when something goes wrong despite
being culpable, or to speak harshly when upset. I have also observed a
few managers who follow their desire to promote themselves rather than
concentrate on their immediate work, unable to trust that their good
work will be recognized. Others follow their personal desire to habitually
horn in on the credit for the successful work of other people.
Several exercises in the chapters that follow will help you manage your troublesome avoidance and attraction behaviors. Learning
to use your inner executive to accelerate forward when your inner elephant wants to delay and to put the brakes on some of your inner
elephant’s desires is a good idea, especially when doing so will increase
your performance and morale and that of your employees.
Exaggerating the Future
A small team of academics and teachers was involved in developing a
new curriculum for high schools in Israel. After about one year, team
members estimated that they would need eighteen to thirty months to
finish their work. Data from other similar projects suggested a period
of seven to ten years for completion, not even counting the projects
that were never completed. Team members admitted that they had no
special talent, and their resources were below average. Yet the team
forged ahead with optimism that most of the work would be finished
in about two years and the curriculum implemented successfully soon
thereafter. The curriculum was finally completed eight years later. Disappointingly, the curriculum was rarely used.22 The team would have
been better off canceling the project eight years earlier. Unfortunately,
the team members were unable to view their future realistically.
Why did the team misjudge the future so badly? The exaggerated
prediction of future events is related to the issue of emotional attraction
and avoidance we just looked at. When the inner elephant is attracted
to a future outcome, it overoptimistically anticipates good results and
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underestimates potential difficulties, so it fails to see the problems ahead.
Overpromising and underperforming happen to everyone. Hofstadter’s
Law states (and mathematically proves) that every task takes longer to
complete than estimated, even when one has added time to take the
law into account. For example, daily to-do lists and project plans are
notoriously optimistic and are seldom completed as expected. Plans
are often based on the inner elephant’s best-case scenarios, leading to
frustration down the line.23
The same thing happens in the opposite direction. When the inner
elephant dislikes or wants to avoid an outcome, it will pessimistically see
more difficulties and problems than will actually occur. Your elephant
mind can make a mountain out of a future you dislike. Surely you
have dreaded a task and then after getting started found it wasn’t so
dreadful after all. The inner elephant exaggerates the size or complexity
of negative events, similar to the feelings that often lead to avoidance.
This happened to me with tax preparation one year when the issues were
complicated. I told myself I could not bear the pain of twelve hours of
work on something I dreaded. I finally got to it at the last minute, and my
preparation took only about four hours, and was kind of fun once I got
into it. My inner elephant had exaggerated the amount of time by eight
hours. Grandma was right: ‘‘Nothing is ever as bad as it seems at the
start.’’ Nor is it as easy as we expect for those things we desire. The inner
elephant tends toward positive and negative exaggerations about the
future depending on its emotional orientation toward an object or event.
The bias toward optimism is an important leadership quality that
engages followers in the vision. Who wants to follow a pessimist who
sees only the difficulties ahead? But doses of objectivity are needed
to help anticipate the future realistically. For executives and managers
responsible for large change projects, the rosy, optimistic picture often
poses a problem. The production delays on the giant Airbus A380 and
the Boeing 787 Dreamliner may illustrate the tendency to overestimate the
ease of completing a huge, complex, multinational project. The optimism
that drives these projects forward makes it hard to anticipate problems
accurately. Mergers such as Time Warner and AOL, or more recently
between Bank of America and Merrill Lynch, are typically driven by
the same optimism. Love is blind, which explains why about two-thirds
of acquisitions and mergers destroy value compared to the optimistic
expectations that drove the deals.
Another example is the run-up to the Iraq war a few years ago. When
Larry Lindsey boldly estimated the absolute cost limit as $100+ billion
to Congress, White House operatives claimed that his figure was way
too high, because they supported the war. So far the Iraq war’s cost is
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climbing toward $1 trillion.24 The cost (so far) was underestimated by
a factor of ten. In terms of manpower needed to fight the war, General
Shinseki, Army chief of staff, told a congressional committee in 2003
that several hundred thousand soldiers and up to ten years could be
needed to achieve security and stability in Iraq. This realistic estimate
was soundly rejected by Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, optimistic
supporters of the minimalist approach to war, as ‘‘wildly off the mark.’’
Optimism won, and Shinseki’s retirement was encouraged. Three years
later, General Abizaid, chief of U.S. central command, said, ‘‘General
Shinseki was right.’’25 Blind optimism prevented leaders from seeing the
harsh reality of the upcoming war.
Chasing the Wrong Gratifications
The most frequently stated underlying motivation for an inner elephant’s
behavior is to achieve some degree of happiness and sense of well-being.
Psychologists since Freud have said that everyone wants to be happy. To
the question of what people show by their behavior to be the purpose of
their lives, Freud responded, ‘‘They strive after happiness; they want to
become happy and to remain so.’’26 This is reasonable enough, but the
inner elephant can act like a child chasing after the wrong gratifications.
Finding happiness is a challenge because the inner elephant often seeks
things that do not provide lasting satisfaction.
Consider the elementary school children who played in an area not far
from the window of the bedroom in which a retired man worked and
napped. After a few days of noise, he asked the kids to play elsewhere, but
they refused. The next day he said to them, ‘‘If you kids come back and
play here tomorrow, I’ll give each of you one dollar.’’ They came back
the next day and played even more enthusiastically. He paid them each a
dollar and said, ‘‘If you will come back tomorrow, I’ll give you each fifty
cents.’’ That was still a good deal, so the kids showed up on time and
played their usual loud games. When they came to collect, he paid the
fifty cents, and then offered them one penny if they would come again
the next day. These kids were insulted at being paid only one penny. One
said, ‘‘Forget it.’’ They never came back again.
Why the change of heart? When the kids started, they were intrinsically
motivated to play in the spot near the man’s window. They played there
for the fun of it. As soon as they received pay for playing there, they
started to see themselves as doing it for the money. The money caused
them to lose sight of the original fun. The old man understood that
given a choice, the inner elephant within each child would choose the
external reward and thereby lose sight of the intrinsic fun. Once their
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minds believed that they were playing for a reward, when the reward
disappeared, so did they.
The inner elephant loves the temporary good feeling that goes with
external rewards, whether in the form of a trip, plaque, promotion,
or more money. The question is, Does the elephant’s love for external
rewards produce happiness and satisfaction? Edward Deci carried out
some of the first experiments on intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. He
gave subjects four challenging block-building puzzles to complete. One
set of subjects was not offered any reward; the other set was offered cash
to complete the puzzles. Later the groups spent time in a ‘‘free choice’’
room where various activities were available, including block-building
puzzles. The group that did not receive any money showed considerably
more interest in the puzzles than the paid group. Deci concluded that
the financial reward was the key reason for the paid group’s lack of
interest. Those subjects saw completing the puzzle as a way to get a
reward rather than as a source of personal interest or fun. Deci replicated
the experiment with headline writing for students working on the college
newspaper. Those who received pay to write headlines later showed less
intrinsic interest in doing so. Their minds seemed to conclude that doing
a task for money meant they did not like it very much.27
There are many studies that have attempted to answer this age-old
question about which is more satisfying, means or ends, the chase or the
victory, the journey or the destination, intrinsic or extrinsic outcomes.
Time and again, results indicate that greater personal satisfaction comes
from the means, the chase, the journey, and the intrinsic. There seems
little doubt that performing a task for intrinsic satisfaction feels better
than working only to receive an external reward. Finding happiness
is easy—just do what you enjoy. You can have happiness right now.
Indeed, pursuing an extrinsic reward undermines a person’s intrinsic
satisfaction, creativity, and risk taking.28 Absorption in work is a great
pleasure and will last. An external reward is short lived, so happiness is
temporary. When the boss or organization emphasizes external rewards,
as the old man knew, intrinsic pleasure is diminished. Unfortunately,
the inner elephant is gullible and easily seduced into chasing after shiny
objects to the exclusion of pure enjoyment.
Greg Brenneman, chairman of CCMP Capital, said, ‘‘I’ve talked to a
lot of people on Wall Street where their entire fulfillment came from the
answer to, ‘Is my bonus bigger this year than last year?’ ’’29 He went
on to say that leaders can help people step back and ask the question,
‘‘Where do I get fulfillment in my life?’’ There is great satisfaction in
making progress toward a meaningful goal, but when the goal is solely to
receive an extrinsic reward, the day-to-day intrinsic pleasure is reduced.
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When money becomes the sole focus of work, the inner elephant has
overpowered the higher wisdom of the inner executive in the false pursuit
of happiness.
The inner elephant only knows to move toward pleasure and away
from pain. The trap caused by chasing objects of desire is illustrated
in the Indian story about capturing monkeys. Monkeys are curious and
have little control over their desires. They can be caught by placing a
banana, nuts, or a piece of fruit inside a clay pot with a small neck. When
the monkey reaches into the pot and grasps the fruit, it can no longer
retract its hand. The monkey believes something inside the pot has a hold
of it. The monkey is unwilling to let go of the fruit. It is the monkey’s
own desire for the fruit that traps it and allows it to be captured.30 The
same may be true of those executives on Wall Street.
Early in my career when I was supporting a young family, I accepted
a consulting project primarily for the money. The work became painful
because I felt no intrinsic pleasure. At that time, I did not understand
that the extrinsic reward would displace intrinsic satisfaction. I found
it difficult to complete that project just for the money. On another
occasion, I accepted an advance against royalties to write a book. I felt
some commitment to the book, but once I had money in advance, that
became the main reason to complete the book. Again, I did not understand
why my heart was no longer in the book project, and I struggled. Rather
than continue to suffer, I finally returned the advance. Never again did I
accept an advance to write a book.
Extrinsic rewards such as money do reduce fear and allow one to
compare oneself favorably to others, but this is all about the ego—the
province of the inner elephant. Research compiled by Alfie Kohn shows
that time and again, a person’s inner elephant will choose the extrinsic
reward and then be unfulfilled.31 Physical and ego pleasures such as
food, drink, status, money, and winning an argument are especially short
lived. How many desserts can you eat before the next bite becomes
unbearable?
The inner elephant desperately seeks but cannot find lasting happiness.
As children we learn to be rewarded for being good. Unconsciously we
believe that ‘‘loving me means you will meet my needs.’’ We want the
world to continue meeting our needs to make us happy. We haven’t
learned as adults to question our desires and their satisfaction.32 The
thrill—of a bigger house, a BMW, jewelry, a wide-screen TV in every
room, or the big promotion— always wears off. A manager who works
eighty hours a week instead of sixty, expecting the additional prestige
and purchases to bring lasting happiness, is on the ‘‘hedonic treadmill.’’33
You can keep running faster and faster without making progress toward
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greater life satisfaction. The inner elephant can chase money into infinity,
acquire luxury goods beyond imagination, and never experience the joy
of performing a task just for pleasure. That is why the adage ‘‘Love
what you do and the money will follow’’ is good advice for finding
satisfaction. You will find the satisfaction and happiness that everyone
else is seeking.
PART THREE
•
How to Start
Leading
Yourself
•
5
•
Engage Your
Intention
The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
—Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
When there is no vision, people perish.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
muhammad ali has been called the master of intention.1 He developed mental skills that improved his physical skills in the ring. His
oft-repeated phrases ‘‘I am the greatest’’ and ‘‘I float like a butterfly, sting
like a bee’’ shaped his mind as much as they angered opponents. These
statements were declarations of intention, as were the poems he recited
publicly before a match. A few lines from the poem in which he predicted
the outcome of his rematch with Frasier showed his mental intent:
Ali swings to the left
Ali swings to the right
Look at the kid
Carry the fight.
Frasier keeps backing
But there’s not enough room
It’s a matter of time
Then Ali lowers the boom.2
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Writing and repeating poems and phrases crystallized intentions for
Ali; when repeated often, they shaped his belief system and guided him
toward victory. Ali also used visualization to rehearse an entire fight in
his head. In his mind, he could feel the fatigue in his legs, the deflection
of a punch to his body, the counterpunch to the face of his opponent, the
roar of the crowd. For the Joe Frazier fight in the Philippines, Ali created a
voodoo doll. Talk about visualizing an intention! He carried the doll with
him, and he would take swipes at it in front of the TV cameras. All of Ali’s
pranks, which some observers saw as childish play, ‘‘sent an intention
to his body to win and his body responded by following orders.’’3 Ali
revealed his power of mental intention when he said, ‘‘To be a great champion, you must believe you are the best. If you are not, pretend you are.’’4
How do we take control of our body and mind—the inner
elephant—as Ali did? We live in a world filled with unrelenting
opportunities for distraction, in which our inner elephant shows obvious
attention deficits when it jumps from important work to unimportant
distractions, cannot stay focused for long periods, and sees the world
through a lens that often seems to obscure reality. As described in
previous chapters, the inner elephant may seek interpretations, cook
facts, jump to the wrong conclusions, quickly defend its errors, be
impatient, act rashly, avoid unpleasant work that needs doing now, and
pursue outcomes that don’t satisfy, often while accepting its behavior
uncritically and without question. There has to be a better way to
manage your inner elephant.
Like Muhammad Ali, you can take advantage of your inner executive
to create intentions that influence your elephant to overcome ineffective habit and behavior patterns. Your inner executive contains your
intelligent will, which can define the direction the elephant should go.
However, simply pushing your inner elephant in the desired direction is
often not enough, especially when it is avoidant or resistant. The trick
is to engage your inner elephant in the intention, to shape expectations
so that the elephant ‘‘gets it’’ and wants to move forward. You can learn
to bring your intention to life in your mind so that your inner elephant
can absorb and embrace it. Then it will perform as directed with little
effort on your part.
This chapter describes how to use your inner executive to guide and
coach your inner elephant by bringing your intelligent will to life in your
mind. This chapter will explore how to use intentional visual images
and verbal statements to manage your inner elephant through periods
of resistance or procrastination. Some techniques are easy and almost
natural, as they should be. Some you have probably tried, perhaps
without realizing it.
engage your intention
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Avoidance behaviors like procrastination are annoying and frustrating,
as described in Chapter Four. You feel as though there is a barrier that
prevents you from moving forward just when you most need to. As
described in Chapter Four, the cause is modest anxiety that triggers an
avoidance reflex. It often happens quickly and automatically below the
surface of your awareness. All you may know is that you have a pattern
of avoiding certain things when avoidance is not rational. You and I are
guided through life and work by the thoughts, ideas, desires, impulses,
dislikes, avoidances, gut feelings, and so on that normally appear in our
minds automatically, with no conscious intention. The solution is to learn
to use your conscious intention or will when you want to perform some
task that your inner elephant wants to avoid.
When I was a kid living in Stromsburg, Nebraska, I occasionally visited
a friend on a farm. I learned about hand pumps that provided underground water for livestock. During chores, sometimes the pump did not
produce water, so it was primed by pouring water down into it. The water
seemed to improve the suction, and after a few pumps, water would flow
forth. Little did I think at that time that the inner elephant behaves the
same way—pour water in to get water out. Pour into your inner elephant
what you want to get out, and it is likely to happen. Here’s how.
I visited a friend who was director of leadership development at
USAA in San Antonio, so I sat in a class he was teaching. He gave
participants and me a handout with the following instructions: ‘‘Please
rate the sentences I will read on how easily you can pronounce them.
Repeat the sentences to yourself.’’ He read twenty creative sentences
similar to the following:
The slithering snake slithered down a steep sliding board.
The plump chef liked to jump rope.
The medieval minstrel strolled along the babbling brook.5
Much to my consternation, after rating the twenty sentences, he then
asked questions to test our memory. ‘‘Who liked to jump rope?’’ ‘‘Who
strolled along the babbling brook?’’ and so on. I was embarrassed. I could
remember only four or five answers, and I got those because of generous
grading. To make matters worse, several people in the room remembered
fifteen to nineteen answers correctly. How could they remember so many?
My friend teased me and other low scorers for being poor leadership
material.
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The instructor, and now ex-friend, finally revealed that the reason for
the widely different scores was differing instructions. The participants
who had great memories had been told, ‘‘Please rate the sentences I will
read on how well you can form a vivid mental picture or image of the
action of the sentence.’’ Twenty complicated sentences are far too many
to remember, especially when you were not asked to remember them. The
people who visualized the action of the sentence remembered three times
as many sentences as those who were told to repeat the sentence in their
mind. This amazed me, and I have used the exercise with many executive
groups since. The result is always the same. People in the visualization
group miss only a few answers and remember two to three times as many
as the verbal repetition group.
Clearly, the inner elephant ‘‘gets’’ and remembers a visual image. Visual
images are a powerful way to communicate to your elephant. I read a
study in which students who visualized exactly when and where they
would write a paper completed 75 percent of the papers on time; without
the visualization, only a third of the students submitted the paper on
time. When people take the time to visualize exactly what they are going
to do, they are much more likely to do it.6 Another study showed marked
improvement for basketball players who practiced free throws for thirty
minutes and spent thirty minutes visualizing themselves shooting perfect
free throws, compared to players who practiced for sixty minutes without
imagery. In a study of Olympic skiers, a group receiving imagery training
were improving so much faster than the nonimagery control group that
the study was suspended so that all participants could take advantage
of visual imagery.7 This is almost too easy—your inner elephant will
respond obediently to visual instruction from your inner executive.
Some of the students and managers I work with use visualization as
mental rehearsal for upcoming tasks about which they feel some anxiety
or resistance. For example, I received an e-mail from Robert, a thirtysix-year-old account manager who delayed his application to the EMBA
program for two years because of anxiety about test taking. His first big
challenge was the statistics course.
Dick, I want to make it a point to thank you for the visualization
techniques in your class. I was terrified of the statistics test and talked
to the instructor. He suggested taking a couple of practice exams.
I used visualization to mentally rehearse taking the practice exams
with zero stress, clear focus, and increased confidence. It worked.
I visualized even more for the real exam, and I did fine. If I felt
stress, I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and envisioned how easily
I completed the practice problems. I aced the course. Thank you.
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Visualization works for salespeople too. One salesman told me how
visualization was helping him cope with his introverted personality in the
extroverted profession of selling banking products:
Developing new customers is hard for me; my natural tendency
is to shy away from calling on new customers. To combat my
resistance, every morning for five minutes I started visualizing myself
picking up my office phone and calling my list of prospects to set
up appointments. My inner elephant’s fears tried to take control,
but I persisted. I became calmer and made calls easily, yielding five
additional appointments this week.
Another salesperson visualized the whole sales process in detail:
I sat down in my chair in the hotel, closed my eyes, and visualized
the appointment from the opening greeting and personal chitchat
through to the end. I could see myself and the client handing materials
back and forth, and myself discussing my company’s differentiation. I visually fielded tough questions and provided solid answers.
I even visualized my smile and greeting. I am pleased to report that
it worked wonderfully. My new president joined me on the call.
I was calm, confident, and able to make my case about why my
company was the only logical choice. The client agreed. My new
president was impressed. Visualization was an opportunity for me to
practice without consequence.
Visualization has a direct impact on your mind and body by calming
an automatic ‘‘flight response.’’ A manager told me about a project
that he needed to complete but just could not get to work on. Every time
he told himself to start on the project, he would find something else to
do instead. He decided to sit for five minutes and visualize doing that
task. After the five minutes were up, he reported, ‘‘I felt motivated and
focused. I wanted to accomplish the task and actually got it finished fairly
quickly.’’ In another case an MBA student club officer was overwhelmed
with so many e-mails that he dreaded reading them, a daunting task
in that moment. ‘‘It was my birthday and I wanted to do something
else. Instead, I sat for three minutes and visualized myself quickly and
efficiently answering all unread messages. Then I went to my computer
and answered all e-mails in record time. I also found that visualizing for
other daily tasks kept me focused all day.’’ Another MBA student who
was perpetually late to meetings started visualizing, the night before, his
arrival on time at all the day’s appointments. Over two weeks, he was
late for only one class and one group meeting. Your inner elephant is
likely to respond to new visual intentions in the same way.
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To stimulate serious procrastination within MBA students, I give
them exercises that they want to avoid. One assignment is to introduce
themselves to a ‘‘scary person’’ who intimidates them and to get to know
that person; a more challenging assignment is to ask a person for his or her
seat in a public place, without explanation, when other seats are available.
The first assignment triggers inner anxiety; the second assignment breaks
a social norm. Hence, both cause serious procrastination. Visualizing
the task in advance reduces anxiety and rehearses the calm step-by-step
actions to be performed. One student reported, ‘‘I tried asking for a
person’s seat three times without visualization, and I could not do it.
So I visualized for ten minutes, and my fears dissipated and I could
see myself making the request. I asked with a calm voice. The person
looked at me like I was crazy, but she gave me her seat. I was elated.’’
Another student used visualization to get herself to step through ongoing
resistance to cleaning her house.
I visualized myself getting out of bed at 7:30 a.m., and I was up
and about in five minutes. Wow, this works! I then did visualization
exercises for doing my operations paper, cleaning the kitchen, taking
out the trash, vacuuming, and doing laundry. These are all things that
I have been avoiding. Visualizing seemed to channel my executive
intention and ignored the elephant that was telling me to watch
television instead. It was almost like jumpstarting the action. After
visualizing, my elephant was not able to get in the way of my
productivity.
Sports Visualization
The most striking examples of coaching one’s inner elephant with visual
images come from sports. The mind clearly teaches the body how
to behave. Most college coaches and athletes practice some form of
visual mental rehearsal. Focused intention, sometimes called mental
practice, visualization, or motor imagery, is a part of the regimen for
swimmers, skaters, skiers, golfers, track and field athletes, tennis players,
and weightlifters. Here are two stories from The Mental Game of
Baseball, by H. A. Dorfman and Karl Kuehl. A relief pitcher for the
California Angels, who spent too much time on the disabled list during
three previous seasons, earned four saves and held the opposition scoreless
over twelve and two-thirds innings. He gave credit to a sports psychologist
who taught him to visualize. Instead of pitching every day to stay sharp,
now he did the pitching in his mind and saved the wear and tear on his
body. Carl Yastrzemski, the Hall of Fame left fielder who played with the
Boston Red Sox, said, ‘‘The night before a game, I visualize the pitcher
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and the pitches I’m going to see the next day. I hit the ball right on the
button and know what it’s going to feel like. I hit the pitches where I
want to. I keep some bats at home. If I want a stronger picture, I pick
one up and do some hitting in the living room.’’8
In 1986, Charles Garfield, a retired world-class weightlifter, had an
experience with sports scientists from East Germany and the Soviet
Union. He was not in competitive shape, but they taught him to
relax and visualize, and to his surprise, he managed to bench press
300 pounds, just barely, which was 20 pounds above his normal
280 pounds. Then the scientists added 65 more pounds, an impossible 21 percent increase. The scientists guided Garfield into a deep state
of relaxation and visualization; suddenly everything came together, and
he felt a surge of strength in his body. His mind became convinced he
could do it. The world around him seemed to fade. With total confidence,
Garfield lifted the 365 pounds!9
An even more striking example to me of visualization’s power was
research at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation that compared participants
who worked out with weights at a gym to participants who worked out
in their heads. Regular visits to the gym provided a 30 percent increase in
muscle strength. Those who stayed home and did a mental rehearsal
increased muscle power by almost half as much.10 Can you believe that?
An earlier study at Chester College reported a similar finding. People who
worked out increased their physical strength by 30 percent, whereas those
who imagined themselves working out achieved a 16 percent increase.11
Russian scientists assigned Olympic athletes to four groups that were
given different training schedules. Group one did 100 percent physical
training; group two did 75 percent physical training and 25 percent mental training; group three did 50 percent physical training and 50 percent
mental training; and group four did 25 percent physical training and
75 percent mental training. Group four, which devoted 75 percent of
their time to mental training, performed the best.12
How is this possible? The intentional thought or visual image is
sufficient to create the same brain signals as the physical act. The
intentional visual image is part of the inner executive, the intelligent
will. The visual intention produces the neural instructions to carry
out the act. The electrical activity in the brain is the same whether
you are visualizing doing something or actually doing it. This is a
powerful thing—your mind’s visualization sends signals through the
nervous system to the muscles and fibers of your body. EEGs reveal
that electrical activity in the brain is the same whether people are doing
something or just thinking about doing it. By visualizing an activity, you
are sending your body a mental intention to do the activity, to speed
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up or calm down, or to perform in a specific way, and your body will
listen.13
Visualization Guidelines
Visualization brings the future into focus exactly as you want it to happen. It is a great way to send a clear intention to your inner elephant.
Visualization as I teach it might also be called mental rehearsal or motor
imagery because it focuses on the specific behaviors that produce an outcome. It focuses primarily on the process, not the outcome. Most people
have the ability to visualize action images in their mind. When teaching
visualization to managers, I typically stay simple and practical by starting
with something from their own memory. You might try it right now.
1. Visualize your bedroom or living room at home or your office. Close
your eyes and take a couple of minutes to view in your mind the major
features in the room. In your mind, move around and view each feature,
one at a time.
After having the managers visualize one room, I typically discuss how
it went, and then have them try visualizing a second room to get their
minds warmed up. You can do the same right now.
2. Now visualize yourself completing a familiar task in a familiar
setting, such as at work or home.
3. The next step is to identify something you have been avoiding,
putting off, or feeling anxious about. Then visualize yourself in the
location of that activity, and see yourself performing the required action
without resistance, flowing through it effortlessly and enjoyably. Repeat
the action a few times to imprint it clearly on your inner elephant.
• TRY THIS •
1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, relax.
2. Visualize from memory the features of a familiar room.
3. Visualize yourself completing a familiar task in a familiar setting.
4. Select a task toward which you feel some resistance.
5. Visualize yourself completing the task easily and enjoyably.
6. Repeat the visualization several times.
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Learning to visualize for practical application is that simple. The
trick is to actually do it. The following are some general guidelines
I normally suggest to heighten the inner executive’s ability to prime the
inner elephant:
You get the best result if you visualize the activity at the same speed
you will actually perform it. If you rush through the visualization, it will
have less impact. An athletic performance may last only a few seconds,
but your task may take longer. So take time to repeatedly visualize the
critical parts of the task. Mentally rehearse the moments of giving a sales
presentation that are critical for you, or visualize your desired posture
and gestures when giving a speech.
❍
❍ Try to ‘‘feel’’ yourself in the situation using multiple senses. Perhaps
feel the temperature in the room, your hand on the podium, the emotion
of personal enthusiasm, and even see the customer’s reaction. Kinesthetic
sensations are a key part of the mind-body link. The more specific, concrete, and detailed your mental rehearsal, the more your inner elephant
will operate as visualized during the actual event.14 The clearer, more
specific, and more detailed the mental action, the greater the effect on
your body.
If you have trouble creating visual images, I suggest that you start by
imagining yourself holding a lemon, squeezing it, rolling it, cutting it in
half, smelling it, tasting it. The lemon’s pungent odor and taste will arise
in your imagination. For additional practice, try visualizing a future event
by mentally creating your perfect vacation spot, perhaps on a ski mountain or beach. See, feel, hear, and smell the details of the house, people,
and activities. If you want to stretch yourself, try visualizing colors—red,
yellow, purple, orange, blue, green. However, visualizing colors is not
necessary for a typical mental rehearsal. This is a way to add to your
visualization capacity.
❍
Jim Fannin, a consultant and mental coach for professional athletes,
said that about 84 percent of participants see a mental image through their
own eyes (first-person view), as they do in ordinary life. Thirteen percent
see the action from above or the side (third-person view), observing
themselves as part of the entire scene. In Fannin’s experience, either of
these views is effective. About 3 percent of people have difficulty seeing
anything in their mind’s eye.15 If you are one of the 3 percent, practice
visualizing familiar scenes and colors in your mind. Practice changing
and mixing colors. Look directly at an object in the room, then close
your eyes and keep the image in your mind’s eye. Repeat. Then create
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something in your mind that you do not physically see, such as the face
of a friend. Be patient. Then visualize yourself performing a task in the
future.
•••
Many managers find themselves putting off writing, planning, giving
feedback, or having a confrontational meeting. Again, a visual mental
rehearsal allows you to flow into a planning or writing task or to rehearse
the dynamics of a difficult conversation. Mental rehearsal reduces anxiety
and procrastination.
The main thing to remember is to visualize a specific sequence of
behaviors that prime your inner elephant with mental pictures of exactly
what you want to do. This is the rehearsal prior to the actual event.
Visualize at the correct speed, see specific details, and use multiple senses.
If visualization is hard for you, there is another option— verbal priming,
which we will explore after briefly considering how to use visual images
to lead others.
Leadership Show and Tell
Visual images work for communicating to other people as well. That
is one reason why the notion of leadership ‘‘vision’’ is so important.
People want to see a picture of where they are going. They want to
know the purpose, intention, or ‘‘why’’ of their work, and one picture
really is worth a thousand words. Bernard, the chief operating officer for
the U.S. division of a global risk management and insurance brokerage
firm, told me how he used a picture to facilitate change when he took
over. After visiting many brokerage offices, he found that definitions of
success differed widely. It soon became clear to him that three criteria
of financial performance were essential: profit (bottom line), the percentage increase in profit, and revenue growth (top line). A large office might
emphasize profit, a growing office might emphasize revenue growth,
and an efficient office might emphasize percentage profit increase. Most
executives were good at achieving one score rather than all three. To
get office executives focused on all three aspects of performance, he
drew a picture of a simple triangle with one performance indicator (P,
delta P, delta R) at each point. When executives came together, they
were encouraged to debate the ‘‘three points of performance’’ triangle
projected up on the screen and discuss ways to achieve high scores
on each.
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P
P
R
Bernard said that results dramatically improved in less than two years,
with sharply increased growth rates and profit margins. He emphasized
‘‘Pictures, not PowerPoints’’ for communication. He told me that during
previous corporate transformations, he learned that he could effectively
communicate change by either repeating a point ten times verbally,
sending it out five times via e-mail, or showing a picture twice. The
simplest picture is many times more powerful than no picture at all for
changing the behavior of other people’s elephants.
Show and tell is a powerful way to communicate. Visual images
dominate the impact of words. Some studies show that 80 percent of
learning is visually based.16 However, our inner elephant is busy and
wants to just tell others what to do and then get on to something else.
Taking a few minutes to ‘‘show’’ a picture can penetrate deeply into
the awareness of another person and change his or her perception. As a
young manager, Daniel Amos, chief executive of Aflac, said he learned
never to have a sales meeting where he did not read a customer letter or
have a customer present.17 Having a customer in the room is the ultimate
show and tell.
A few managers who have participated in my programs have told me of
their communication successes, particularly when trying to change things.
One executive in Asia flew his team of direct reports and their direct
reports to visit customers’ businesses and witness firsthand how they
worked and what the customers wanted. He no longer had to lecture
them, because they could see for themselves what customers needed
and why. A plant manager, dealing with a recalcitrant union during a
turnaround, shut the plant down for one day. He set up a ‘‘fair’’ in which
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competitors’ products could be seen, touched, and examined firsthand by
shop-floor employees. They could compare prices too. He also invited a
few customers whom employees could talk to about their perception of
the plant’s output compared to that of competitors. Showing rather than
telling brought the union membership on board for change. In another
case, a manager made a brief audiotape of three corporate customers
complaining about service deficits. The anger and frustration could be
felt in the voices on the tape. The manager played the tape during a
meeting with his staff. He said the shift in their perspective was instant.
Hearing what customers were feeling shocked them out of their status
quo mind-sets, whereas his previous ‘‘talking’’ at them had little impact.
Elaina was a poised young woman, but sometimes in the heat of the
moment she became upset, emotional, and irrational. Elaina was hard
on herself in those moments, with such thoughts appearing in her mind
as ‘‘This always happens to me,’’ ‘‘I screwed up again,’’ or ‘‘You’re so
stupid.’’ This self-talk did not reestablish her poise. So she tried rehearsing
some positive statements that her inner executive could interject in a
moment of crisis, including ‘‘I am staying calm,’’ ‘‘I am going with the
flow,’’ and ‘‘I am lightening up.’’ As it happened, her car broke down just
before a long drive across country. She was in a fight with the dealership
that supposedly had fixed it, and used her new self-talk to stay calm and
poised. In her e-mail to me, Elaina said, ‘‘During the ordeal with the
dealership, I forced my executive to take control. Several times I stopped,
closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and repeated the new phrases. I found
this very effective! It helped me relax and think rationally using the
executive function rather than the elephant’s reactions. I will continue
with this. Thank you.’’
Elaina used autosuggestion by inserting intentional positive statements
about how she wanted to behave to replace the negative thoughts that
automatically popped into her head. Autosuggestion tells our inner elephant how to behave. The notion of autosuggestion got its start with
Emile Coué’s book Self Mastery Through Conscious Autosuggestion,
published in 1922. Coué was a hypnotist and psychologist in France who
gave up his original practice because patients got better results with autosuggestion. His focus was on physical ailments, and he reported many
successes. Charles Baudouin published Suggestion and Autosuggestion in
France at about the same time. He built on the work of Coué and reported
similar positive results from autosuggestion for physical ailments. One of
the first, best-selling self-help books in the United States, Napoleon Hill’s
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Think and Grow Rich, devoted an entire chapter to autosuggestion. The
basic idea of autosuggestion is to seed your unconscious mind (inner
elephant) with a repetitive self-instruction that today might be called
positive self-talk or a pep talk. Daily repetition can continue until the
thoughts become internalized and replace the automatic negative talk. It
is something like a placebo effect. If our inner executive repeats an intentional thought, we are more likely to believe it and behave in a way that
will make it happen. The specific instruction in Coué’s book is as follows:
Every morning before getting up and every evening as soon as you are
in bed, shut your eyes, and repeat 20 times in succession, moving your
lips (this is indispensable), and counting mechanically on a long string
with 20 knots, the following phrase: ‘‘Day by day in every way, I am
getting better and better.’’ Do not think of anything in particular, as
the words ‘‘in every way’’ apply to everything.
Make this autosuggestion with confidence, with faith, with the
certainty of obtaining what you want. The greater is the conviction,
the greater and more rapid will be the results obtained.18
Experiments in the psychology laboratory show the clear impact of
verbal mental priming on a person’s behavior. Participants were asked
to complete various word problems at the behest of a psychology professor, such as unscrambling sets of words into a sentence or filling in
missing letters to complete the spelling of words. If the words pertained
to rudeness, participants were more likely to interrupt the experimenter
when finished. If the words pertained to politeness, the subjects were
more likely to wait ten minutes until the experimenter was finished. If
the words pertained to authority and power, some men were more likely
to judge a woman confederate as attractive. In one experiment, words
such as ‘‘hostile,’’ ‘‘an insult,’’ and ‘‘unkind’’ were flashed on a screen so
quickly as to not be consciously recognized. Later, subjects interpreted
other people’s behavior as more negatively hostile and angry compared
to subjects who were exposed to positive words.19 Verbal priming can
indeed shape the inner elephant’s thinking and behavior, even when we do
not know it is happening. Other studies have shown significantly greater
performance for people who are exposed to words of achievement (‘‘succeed,’’ ‘‘master’’), and greater cooperation when exposed to cooperative
words (‘‘fair,’’ ‘‘share’’).20 The great thing is that your inner executive
can do the priming to take you in whatever direction you want to go.
Today there is a better understanding of just how much negative talk
the inner elephant fills our minds with, which reinforces our hesitation,
avoidance, fear, and procrastination. How can you push on your accelerator to go forward when your internal judge is throwing thoughts into
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your mind such as ‘‘idiot,’’ ‘‘dummy,’’ ‘‘I hate doing this,’’ ‘‘stupid,’’
‘‘imbecile,’’ ‘‘loser,’’ ‘‘I will never make it,’’ ‘‘I can’t do it,’’ ‘‘I stink,’’ and
‘‘You’re going to fail again.’’ Your body will respond to the thoughts in
your mind. If these negative thoughts are alive in your mind, how can you
change them? The value of autosuggestion is to change the persistently
negative and critical thoughts toward yourself, the task, or other people
into positive, helpful, supportive thoughts that help you move forward.
If most of your automatic thoughts are negative or critical, intentionally
pushing back against this negative word flow with positive thoughts is a
first-rate idea. What is there to lose? Daily mental instruction can substitute a positive thought, attitude, and mood for the automatic negative
comments that flood your mind continuously.
Coué’s original instruction was to repeat the statement out loud. This
works in the initial stages of training your mind while you are at home in
your bedroom, especially if your mind keeps jumping away. For regular
use during the day, it is better to learn to repeat words silently in your
mind. See what works for you. Coué was on track with his suggestion
of practicing morning and evening, which are ideal times to prime your
subconscious for the day ahead. Your inner elephant is more open to
suggestion when it is relaxed. You can also prime your inner elephant any
time during the day in a quiet moment or before an important meeting
or event. Napoleon Hill recommended writing down an entire specific
plan for achieving your goals and reading that aloud twice daily. That is
extreme, but you get the idea.
I have received excellent feedback from people whom I have coached
on autosuggestion. One manager and one MBA student in particular
liked Coué’s original statement, ‘‘Day by day in every way I am getting
better and better.’’ Parker was extremely left-brained, articulate, and
well spoken, but he hung back in school and social settings. He started
repeating Coué’s statement about ten times both before school and
before bed. When in his car, he said it out loud. Parker’s hope was to
‘‘put myself out there more.’’ Repeating the suggestion provided almost
immediate traction. He offered comments in every class during the first
week. During the second week, he mentioned to his job search adviser
that he was working on extending himself more. Her reply shocked
him: ‘‘Yeah, I can really see the difference.’’ When he attended a school
function with his wife, she commented, ‘‘Parker, you seem like a different
person.’’ For a second-round job interview, he was nervous because of a
previous awkward encounter with the interviewer. While driving to the
interview, he kept reminding himself that he was getting better and better
as he visualized introducing himself and projecting confidence during the
interview. It seemed to work because they chatted for an hour and a half.
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During the third week of autosuggestion, Parker felt a desire to stop by
people’s offices and say hi, which he had never done before.
Also during the third week, Parker modified the instruction to help him
with golf. During golf his temper would take over with a single error,
which led to club slamming and loud, derogatory comments about himself
that would ruin the entire golf experience. His modified instruction was,
‘‘Every stroke and on every hole, I am getting better and better.’’ When
he made a big mistake, he quickly started repeating the statement. His
temper did not get the best of him. After screwing up a shot, he stayed
calm and poised for the first time in years. Approaching the next hole,
he repeated the statement several times to get completely into a positive
mood. He birdied the hole.
I saw Parker a month after our initial coaching session, and he looked
relaxed and in a better mood than I remembered. He was thrilled
with his ability to manage himself into new behaviors by repeating the
instruction. He said it was the first time in his life he had experienced
personal improvement in a short time. I saw Parker again two months
later. He said his outgoing behavior continued as if permanent, and he
was no longer repeating the autosuggestion.
• TRY THIS •
1. Select an autosuggestion phrase to help correct your behavior.
2. Repeat the phrase twenty times morning and evening when relaxed.
Start with ten repetitions if that feels more comfortable.
3. Say the phrase aloud until your mind learns not to jump away.
4. Repeat the phrase slowly and focus on it completely.
5. Use beads, knots in a string, or your fingers to count.
6. Repeat the phrase during other opportune times, such as when driving or exercising.
Reed considered himself to be hyperanalytical and hypercritical, and
I would agree, given his personality test scores and our interactions. He
did not take people’s feelings into account when assessing a situation.
I had witnessed him react with a critical comment almost before a person
could finish a sentence. During the first week, he tried to repeat Coué’s
instruction as much as possible, such as when doing routine activities
like brushing his teeth, driving, and showering. Reed told me, ‘‘Really
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focusing on the words helped me avoid distractions. My concentration
was better. My mind seemed to slow down.’’ He found that having fewer
negative thoughts and slowing down his brain didn’t make him dumber.
He felt more present and able to step back and view a situation from
another person’s perspective. He found himself empathizing with other
people rather than being critical of them. It was a breakthrough for him
to be considering more than just cold facts. During the third week, Reed
became aware of his critical thoughts toward others. Each time a critical
thought arose, he consciously replaced it with the instruction ‘‘I am
getting better and better.’’ During a business social function, he worked
on praising others during conversations. Afterward he asked his wife
for feedback. She had noticed his new behavior and said the comments
were genuine and appropriate. Reid said it felt great to compliment and
highlight another person’s strengths at the business function.
Here are some other examples:
A medical resident came up with her own phrase, ‘‘I am right here,
right now,’’ to keep her mind focused on the present when dealing
with patients.
I consulted with Casey, a military officer, and he developed the
instruction ‘‘I am loving people more’’ as a way of achieving his goal
of appreciating people. He said he noticed immediate improvement
in the way he saw others; he was taking more time to listen to what
people were saying and what they meant. His impulse to solve their
problem was weaker. He repeated his instruction ten to twenty
times per day.
Alec had an ‘‘edge’’ when talking to others. His black-and-white
thinking was very fast, and instant judgments flowed out of his
mouth, which demotivated his direct reports. He adopted the phrase
‘‘I am slowing down my judgments,’’ and told me a few days later
that it was helping.
Haley started a joint law and business degree immediately after completing her undergraduate work. She was in her last year and totally
burned out with school. She tried the autosuggestion ‘‘I am becoming more engaged in school.’’ She told me later that it was enough to
get her through her final semester.
Faye forthrightly said she knew that she was cold, task focused,
and often a jerk. She was very directive, and tried to control every
detail of the work of her salespeople. She had tried some things
to change herself without much luck, but believed autosuggestion
would work for her. We came up with ‘‘I am slowing down to love
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others.’’ I talked to her on the phone after a few weeks, and she said
her heart was softening. She was starting to like people.
If you are interested in autosuggestion, here are the basics of how
I teach it:
❍ Stay in the present tense. Your phrase should refer to what you are
doing right now rather than to the past or future. It is not as effective
to say ‘‘I will be present’’ or even ‘‘I am present’’ as it is to say ‘‘I am
becoming more present.’’ The best phrasing is the progressive form of
present tense, which means using an ‘‘ing’’ on the verb. Examples are
‘‘I am going with the flow,’’ ‘‘I am lightening up,’’ and ‘‘I am becoming
more outgoing.’’ This form awakens the inner elephant to move from
now toward the desired future state.
Speak gently, respectfully, and positively. Do not give an order to
yourself, such as ‘‘Be more outgoing!’’ Try to avoid negative phrasing,
such as ‘‘I will not get angry’’ or ‘‘I will try to be less anxious,’’ although
sometimes a negative word is unavoidable. Positive phrasing, such as
‘‘I am becoming calmer’’ or even ‘‘I am letting go of this anger,’’ tells the
inner elephant in what direction to head. Remember, you are talking to a
person, so give your inner elephant consideration and respect. It is more
likely to respond positively if you do.
❍
❍ Say it like you mean it. Say it slowly enough to feel and be fully
aware of every word. Be fully engaged in and focused on the repetition.
It should not be mechanical or unfeeling. Have some conviction in your
mind and faith in the outcome as you repeat the words. It is the meaning
of the words that counts. Immerse yourself in the phrase.
❍ Visualize your intended actions while repeating the statement. This
adds impact for some people. After your mind gets comfortable with the
repetition, you may find it easy also to picture your desired behavior.
This doubles the cues to your inner elephant, providing both verbal and
visual intentions.
❍ Stay with it. For a basic shift in your elephant’s temperament, such
as becoming more appreciative or slowing down your reactions, you
should repeat the phrase as often as possible in addition to scheduled
morning and evening repetitions. You will see the biggest improvement
in the first few days, with a gradual slowdown thereafter. I devised a
3-3-3 rule if using autosuggestion every day. If the suggestion is working,
you will probably notice some small change or traction within three days.
After three weeks, some change in mental pattern will endure. After three
months, a new behavior pattern will endure. The longer you stay with it,
the more permanent the impact.
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❍ Use autosuggestion for short-term results. You may want to use
autosuggestion to motivate your inner elephant for a specific, short-term
behavior, such as to start working on a project you have been avoiding,
coach yourself to speak up in meetings, or make a public presentation.
A great example is Alain Robert, a Frenchman with an obsession for
climbing tall buildings (on the outside). He has climbed five of the ten
tallest buildings in the world. If thoughts of concern, exhaustion, or fear
creep into his mind, he immediately starts repeating (loosely translated),
‘‘I have confidence in myself, and I succeed in all that I undertake.’’ This
gets him over the top.21 Your task may not be as daring, but as you
prepare for a task that you have been avoiding, you might say things like
‘‘I am flowing into my work’’ or ‘‘I am feeling ready to immerse myself.’’
In the case of a baseball pitcher, the self-talk might be ‘‘Good low strike
here’’ or ‘‘I am focusing only on this pitch.’’
I have presented Coué’s original autosuggestion—‘‘Day by day, in
every way, I am getting better and better’’—to many people, but most
prefer a phrase tailored to their specific issue. The following are some
examples of other phrases people have tried:
I am handling this moment.
I am feeling enthusiasm about the upcoming meeting.
I am slowing down and engaging (for someone who rushed through
his meetings).
I am feeling more peaceful.
I am becoming more intentional.
I am slowing down my response.
I am becoming less critical.
I am listening more carefully.
I am staying relaxed.
I am speaking up more easily.
I am becoming more expressive.
I am flowing into my work.
I am giving up control.
I am letting go of my need to control things.
I am giving up my perfectionism.
I am taking more time for people.
I am taking my inner judge less seriously.
I am feeling happier.
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I am enjoying my work [or life] more.
I am becoming more positive in my thinking.
I hope you are getting the idea for how to use this powerful tool to
lead yourself. The trick for you is to get clear about your intention. What
little piece of behavior do you most want to change? This may take some
thought and discussion. The choice of the correct autosuggestion depends
on what you want to accomplish. Once you have chosen your phrase,
repeat it ten to twenty times morning and evening while in a relaxed
state, either aloud or in your mind. Also repeat it during the day if you
have downtime or if any strong negative thoughts arise. I think you will
be surprised with the results.
•••
Visualization and autosuggestion are basic but powerful tools for
leading yourself. The underlying requirements for each are to be clear
about your intention and then to translate it into pictures or words.
A visual picture shows the unconscious inner elephant exactly what to
do. Visualization typically requires a separate quiet time to do the work
with eyes closed. Repeating autosuggestions seems more natural to many
people, and it can be carried on in the mind while doing other things,
such as driving or listening. The mental rehearsal associated with either
tool can help you eliminate avoidance behaviors, such as procrastination,
or impulsive behaviors that are not in your best interest. Experiment with
these tools and see what works for you.
6
•
Follow Through
on Your Intentions
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way
they are.
—Bertolt Brecht
He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself
is mighty.
—Lao-Tzu
during peter’s coaching session, he wanted to talk about procrastinating on his to-do list. He was pretty well organized, but he would
avoid or delay doing some items on his list. He understood why people
procrastinate—they feel some unconscious anxiety associated with the
focal task—but that insight did not help him. He wanted to complete
the to-do list without any resistance. The items on his to-do list were big,
such as ‘‘Study for corporate valuation exam,’’ which did not provide
much traction for his inner elephant. It would be as clear to say ‘‘Learn
finance’’ or ‘‘Learn French.’’
My advice was for him to make a second to-do list of only the items
toward which he felt resistance. On that list, first thing in the morning,
he was to break down each item in great detail, listing every incremental
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follow through on your intentions
91
step to complete that task. The trick was to make explicit every detail he
could think of and to write it down on the morning list. Each item had to
be readily doable. That way, he could enjoy checking off each item as he
completed it. I asked him to let me know how this worked when I next
saw him. Two weeks later, he told me it was working really well. There
was something about writing down smaller tasks that made them easy
to complete. The list provided concrete instruction to his inner elephant,
and the small tasks seemed to reduce his fear of the bigger task.
As luck would have it, three days after meeting with Peter, Yvette
stopped by with a similar issue. She had what I thought was an effective todo list, which she said she used regularly, but still resisted some items on
her list. I suggested that she try an experiment by breaking those items into
refined detail, writing down the tiniest task possible, preferably first thing
in the morning, and then seeing if she could complete them during the
day. We brainstormed some subtasks before she left my office. I saw
Yvette a few days later, and she said that writing down the more detailed
list helped her. She still felt a little resistance, but could readily push
through it by performing a single subtask.
Write Down Your Intentions
There is something powerful about writing down your most specific
intentions. It takes several minutes to think through specific subtasks, but
doing so is effective compared to relying on your memory or the thoughts
and impulses jumping around in your head. Writing things down will
give clear, unambiguous instructions to your inner elephant. There is
also something liberating about writing things down. In one research
program, hundreds of people wrote about an important emotional issue
that affected their lives. Most found it hard to put these troubling incidents
down on paper. However, the writing exercise produced significant
benefits over the long term. Compared to people who did not write about
emotional issues, participants reported better moods, students got better
grades, employees missed fewer days of work, and there was improved
immune system function as reflected in fewer doctor’s visits.1
Why does writing down emotional experiences have such beneficial
effects? One explanation is that obsessing about unresolved emotional
issues causes stress that takes a mental and physical toll. Writing down the
specifics of an event gets them out of one’s head so that the experience
can be viewed objectively. The written word is also more specific,
coherent, organized, and clear, which makes the emotional event more
understandable and meaningful. In the case of a to-do list, writing down
tasks and subtasks crystallizes the mind’s vague generalizations into
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concrete, doable tasks. Recall from Chapters Two through Four how
the mind easily magnifies and exaggerates issues, becomes distracted,
and embraces self-serving illusions. You can face reality by writing
things down.
Writing things down requires more precision than carrying intentions
in your head. The transformation from a vague thought to a clearly
written sentence is important. The added precision and clarity provide
structure for your inner elephant. In my own writing about nonemotional
issues, the first draft is pure mud. I’m always shocked to see the mess
that was in my head. When the mess is written down on paper, I can
see it more objectively, and after several revisions the ideas become more
clear and precise. Moreover, after writing something down, you get to
see it as well as hear it in your mind. Abraham Lincoln used these tricks
as president of the United States. When emotionally upset, he would
write a letter to clarify his distress. Often the letter would be too harsh,
so he would simply write ‘‘Not sent’’ on the back of the letter. But his
mind would be clear. Also, Lincoln would frequently read aloud. When
asked why, he said he remembered things better when he engaged two
senses—both sight and sound.2
Writing things down can help in other ways. For example, Pittsburgh
Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin has made copious notes since he was
in high school about what he sees and does. He has stacks of notes in his
basement from which he can find exactly what he did in a past football
practice or how he handled a difficult player. The notes are now a road
map of Tomlin’s meteoric rise to his present position.3 Taking notes is a
great aid to memory. You may recall as a student how you only retained
long-term the concepts and solutions that you managed to write notes
on for later review. Most parts of the lecture for which you did not take
notes disappeared from memory. Our mind is not a good place to store
things, yet we often live in the illusion that our memories are effective,
or perhaps we just don’t have the initiative to write things down.
Getting back to Peter and Yvette, how can you use writing to increase
your inner executive’s control over your inner elephant? How you
begin your day is powerful because it sets your conscious intentions for
the day. Beginning the day with highly specific written instructions places
your inner elephant in harness to achieve your goals.
Abundant research has demonstrated that setting goals will clarify
and focus your mind. A vivid picture of the goal outcome can energize
your inner elephant toward right action. For even greater influence
over yourself, spend some time thinking through specifically how to
achieve each goal. Even with clear goals, Peter and Yvette experienced
a problem translating some goals into action. If your elephant detects
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the slightest flicker of something difficult or distasteful, it may resist and
shy away, similar to a racehorse avoiding the starting gate. Unless you
have two or three handlers to guide your elephant into the gate, you are
unlikely to follow through as desired on a distasteful goal, perhaps doing
other things instead.
The solution that worked for Peter and Yvette was to spend a few minutes in the morning to set what psychologists call explicit implementation
intentions.4 Implementation intentions can be thought of as defining the
specific step-by-step activities that will lead to your goal or desired outcome. Your inner elephant is more likely to move ahead if it can see each
tiny, concrete step. The steps create a structure for your inner elephant to
start on its way toward your desired outcome. Explicit, detailed, concrete
instructions are especially important when the inner elephant wants to
veer away. So, when you feel resistance, spend time writing a list of steps
to achieve each outcome on your to-do list, or at least the ones your inner
elephant wants to avoid. You might include the specific time on which
to work on each step, which will further harness your inner elephant.
• TRY THIS •
Write Down Implementation Intentions
1. Write normal to-do list for the day’s activities.
2. Identify items for which you feel resistance.
3. Identify minuscule subtasks for resisted items.
4. Write down every minuscule subtask.
5. Complete each subtask and scratch it from your list.
A special value of defining each implementation step is that it helps
people get started. And just getting started is ultimately the solution to
a problem of procrastination or psychological resistance. Do whatever
you can just to get started. Once started, you will become immersed in
a task, at which time it is just like any other task and you can flow
through it. The best use of implementation intention is to specify each
small activity, mainly so you can get started. Recall from Chapter Four
that the inner elephant exaggerates the negative. The elephant can turn a
rope into a snake when it does not like what it sees. Writing down specific
implementation steps brings you back to reality, reducing the mountain to
a molehill that is easily ascended. The specific steps also provide the clarity
to direct the inner elephant toward the task you want to accomplish.
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Consider, for example, women who set the goal of performing a
breast self-examination sometime during the next month. Of the women
who wrote down exactly where and when they would perform the
examination during the next month, 100 hundred percent did so. No
matter how strong their original goal, only 53 percent of women who
did not form an implementation intention did the self-exam. In another
study, participants who were induced to specify when and where they
would take a pill each day missed fewer pills than participants who had
the same goal to take the pill but did not specify when or where. In
another study, one group of students created written statements of the
goal to write a short curriculum vita before 5:00 p.m. that day; the other
group did not specify when or where they would complete the CV. Of
the students who specified when and where they would write the CV,
80 percent did so. None of the participants in the comparison group did
so. Clearly, written implementation intentions remove mental barriers
to the initiation of action toward a goal. A general intention without
specific implementation steps is an inner elephant illusion.
Another inner-elephant trap is distractions. You can strengthen your
intelligent will and help your inner elephant avoid distractions with
clearly specified intentions. If you have to work on a project, perhaps
you can leave your e-mail unopened until noon. Or plan to avoid your
compulsion to surf the Internet. Be sure to write these actions down in
advance and to check them off when accomplished. If your intention is
to eat healthy food, you can name in advance which foods to avoid, such
as desserts or specific snacks, and specify instead that you will eat a piece
of fruit, right down to the type of fruit and the time to eat it. This will
tend to inhibit a habitual response of reaching for a dessert or other food
you want to avoid.
An undergraduate student had an absolutely horrible time achieving
his goal of writing a research paper on how climate change might affect
bears in Montana. His inner elephant avoided that paper at all costs.
He avoided his teachers and fellow students who might ask him about
it. His disdain for the assignment increased as time passed. Ignoring
the growing pressure, he embraced distractions, such as partying and
hanging out with friends. The burden of avoiding that paper used all his
energy. Finally, with help from a counselor, he was able to break down
the huge goal into a series of implementation steps. The counselor helped
him put each step onto a calendar with times assigned. With emotional
support from his friends, the student was able to stick to his schedule
and complete the paper.
The major step for most people is to take time to break down a huge
task into a series of tiny subtasks and writing down the subtasks, each
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as an easily doable separate intention with a precise daily schedule. The
investment of time and effort pays off big. This is similar to using project
management on one’s inner elephant. The paper-avoiding student learned
to begin each day with the written intention to complete specific subtasks
that day; when combined with emotional support from his friends, this
method got him through the paper with a grade of B.
Each workday needs a game plan. Writing down specific details for
daily plans is important, especially for tasks that inhibit you. Your inner
elephant responds to highly specific structure and instruction. During
a summer internship, one of my MBA students had to compile all the
accounting information and provide e-mail directions for an overseas
vendor firm’s data entry. He found it a gut-wrenching task that he
wanted to put off as long as possible. To manage his inner elephant,
he put together a detailed process list for what needed to be done first,
second, third, fourth, and so on. Then he visualized himself doing each
task. After the visualization, and with the detailed list in hand, he found
the project much easier to accomplish. After finishing task number one,
he immediately felt some accomplishment when he checked it off. Each
task completed was a victory. The overall task went much faster than it
had previously and was far less painful. Another MBA student had been
avoiding the passport renewal process for weeks. So she sat down and
made a checklist of all the activities needed to get the passport, including
having a picture taken, filling out a form, writing a check, going to the
post office, and so on. Once she had written the detailed list, she found it
easy to dive right in. A few hours later, her passport application was in
the mail as she finished something she had been avoiding for weeks. She
went out and celebrated.
Do implementation intentions work in cyberspace? Yes and no. One
student told me that she started her day by planning a schedule of specific
to-dos on an Outlook calendar and said it helped a lot. It made her more
organized during the day, and rather than bouncing from event to event,
she felt more intentional and in control. Another student told me just
the opposite, however. For her, using the computer was less effective
than writing things down. She said there was something powerful about
using her hands to physically write down each task and subtask. Paper
calendars and planners are more concrete and may provide more benefit
from writing things down than do digital media. Other people have said
they reverted to paper planners because it made them more productive,
but could not tell my why—it just felt better. I think digital media are
fine for keeping track of your day, but if you are procrastinating and need
a push, then handwriting each specific subtask on paper may provide
greater benefit.
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Set Deadlines
Polly was in tears because she was about to be fired from her EMBA
group, which would make it nearly impossible to graduate. The volume
of work in the Vanderbilt EMBA program is too great for someone
to do alone, especially the group deliverables, which required several
minds. Polly is creative and spontaneous, and loves to complete projects
with a burst of energy near the time due. She claimed that she does
her best writing at the last minute, perhaps pulling an all-nighter. This
behavior drove her team members crazy. They didn’t have time to review,
add to, or improve the paper when Polly finished it so late. Moreover,
for projects led by other team members, Polly typically didn’t turn in
her contributions in time to be included before the final revision or
presentation. Her team members were frustrated because she did not pull
her share of the heavy workload, and they were ready to fire her. As
EMBA group doctor, my job was to help the team resolve this issue.
One thing I understood is that nearly everyone occasionally puts
things off, and nearly everyone responds to a deadline. Maybe that
was the answer for this group. Why is the U.S. Post Office so crowded
on April 15? Why do undergraduate students put off studying for finals
until the day before the exam? Why do business executives work on an
important presentation the weekend before the board meeting? There is
something powerful about a deadline staring us in the face that causes our
inner elephant to get moving. Elephants respond naturally to deadlines.
The pressure of a deadline works on its own to get a person moving.
Polly apparently needed a deadline too, otherwise why would she put
everything off until the last minute?
Researchers claim that people put things off because of time discounting, which means that we rationally discount the value of future
outcomes and give more weight to immediate outcomes.5 In other words,
immediately available rewards or punishments have a disproportionate
effect on preferences compared to delayed consequences. I will admit
that discounting impact of an approaching deadline does not feel like a
‘‘rational’’ choice to me. When a deadline is far away, I feel light and
at ease. As the deadline gets closer, I feel mental pressure. It is hard to
describe, but there is a psychological change as the deadline gets closer.
As the drop-dead date approaches, my mind becomes more focused. The
share of my thinking allocated to the project increases. My behavior is
similar to that of a rat in a maze, which becomes more animated and
energetic as it gets closer to the goal box and its reward.
The natural pressure from a deadline works with most people. I found
myself using deadlines with PhD students and direct reports. PhD students
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are notorious foot-draggers and procrastinators when working on their
dissertation. I found that a scheduled weekly meeting served as a deadline.
Moreover, I let the students decide what they would accomplish before
the next meeting. They could make their own choices about what to
do and when they would finish it. I provided the same leeway to direct
reports for their improvement projects when I was associate dean. They
were free to make decisions about what would be accomplished and
when we would meet, but the deadline worked its power on them. It
was hard to show up with nothing accomplished. The impact on PhD
students was even greater because without some accountability for a
deadline, they could drift for weeks or months without tangible progress.
The impact of deadlines has been shown repeatedly in the laboratory. In
one experiment, forty-three students were given a forty-minute in-basket
exercise of handling various papers and memos that would typically pile
up in the office during a four-day business trip. During the exercise, they
were interrupted by a phone call requesting answers to a five-minute
survey. Participants who were near the end of the in-basket assignment
hung up the phone almost immediately. However, if participants were
interrupted near the beginning of the exercise, when they had more time
before the deadline, they took time to answer a few questions and a few
even finished the survey.6
Polly’s EMBA team and I worked with her to apply deadlines that
would motivate her to finish her work sooner. Polly’s solution was to set
intermediate, self-imposed deadlines starting two weeks before a major
project was due, which would help her complete her work and papers
on time. She also asked her fellow group members to give her strict
daily deadlines for the work they needed from her. The team created
an ‘‘official’’ ceremony every two weeks to schedule work details and
set specific deadlines. Polly’s work began to be completed on time; her
contributions to the group increased. She was not fired from her group,
and she received her degree.
You can probably do the same thing to prod your inner elephant
forward through work it may resist. One secret is self-imposed deadlines. In a course at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, which
consisted of ninety-nine professionals, one subgroup of students was
given fixed, evenly spaced deadlines for the submission of three short
papers; other students were allowed to set their own deadlines.7 At the
end of the course, students with self-imposed, evenly spaced deadlines
showed higher grades than students whose self-imposed deadlines were
last minute. Self-imposed deadlines were nearly as effective as externally imposed deadlines when they were evenly spaced. In a related
study, students were paid to find grammatical and spelling errors
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in written documents. Once again, students who worked with evenly
spaced, self-imposed deadlines did much better than participants who set
their deadline for the last minute. In these two experiments, externally
imposed deadlines showed greater ability to get a person’s inner elephant
moving than did self-imposed deadlines, but self-imposed deadlines were
much better than waiting until the last minute. Polly took advantage of
both kinds of deadlines by setting her own intermediate deadlines and by
asking her teammates to impose deadlines on her.
• TRY THIS •
Set Deadlines
1. Identify a task for which you feel resistance.
2. Break the task into subtasks.
3. Set a time and date for completion of each subtask.
4. Involve others in setting deadline if possible.
5. Let deadline pressure guide your inner elephant.
Have you ever agreed to a commitment—to give a talk, take a
trip—that was scheduled far into the future and about which you were
lukewarm? Because the deadline was far off, it seemed as though there
would be plenty of time to prepare for the commitment. No problem, so
you accepted. Then commitment time arrives. You don’t want to do it
and strongly wish you had not committed, and you may even try to get
out of it. The far-off deadline creates an illusion of no pressure. Setting
a self-imposed near-term deadline creates pressure as an effective tool
for managing yourself, because your inner elephant feels the pressure as
the deadline approaches. When the deadline is many months away, your
inner elephant will easily misjudge and overcommit. Your inner executive
can make wiser and more realistic decisions about the distant future.
Design Tangible Mechanisms
I spent a small part of my academic career doing change management
consulting, which often involved facilitating discussions among groups
of middle- and upper-level managers, many of them with aggressive
personalities. I would lay out the ground rules for the discussion—only
one person can speak at a time, no interruptions, everyone gets equal
time, and the like. Within a few minutes, the managers would revert to
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their old habits—fighting for speaking time like dogs fighting for a bone,
interrupting whoever was speaking, and dominating the discussion. To
maintain the ground rules, I would call time-outs to point out infractions
and teach adherence to the rules. My time-outs took time, were not very
effective, and hindered spontaneity.
My solution was to use a talking stick or talking ball to direct traffic.
I introduced the small, soft ball with the simplest instruction possible:
‘‘This ball has the power. If you are holding the ball, you are empowered
to speak until finished. If you don’t have the ball, you are empowered to
shut up and listen.’’ The transformation was dramatic. I no longer had
to call time-outs. Anyone could raise his or her hand to request the ball.
Sometimes the group would pass the ball in sequence so everyone had
the opportunity to speak fully, even without asking. Suddenly, people
started listening. Interruptions dropped to zero. Within an hour or two,
the ball helped managers break years of poor communication habits.
Why was the talking ball so effective? My original ground rules
failed because they were abstract and conceptual; the ball was tangible
and real. As discussed in earlier chapters, the mind is not reliable. The
mind’s concepts are vague and illusory; the mind generalizes, exaggerates,
does not listen well, and interprets things according to its own need.
Counterbalancing this vagueness, abstraction, and subjectivity requires
something tangible and objective. Vagueness quickly surrenders to a
concrete physical or mechanical object that creates structure and brings
order. The tangible mechanism, such as a talking ball, acts as an anchor
of sorts for the mind’s meandering. For example, a study asked volunteers
to guess how many African nations belonged to the United Nations. Half
were given the number ten as a starting point (How much larger or
smaller than ten?) and half were given sixty as a starting point (How
much larger or smaller than sixty?).8 The minds of the volunteers were
heavily influenced by the objective, concrete starting point. Those who
started with ten guessed an average of twenty-five African nations in the
UN; those who started with sixty guessed an average of forty-five.
Tangible mechanisms will help save you from yourself. The external,
concrete mechanism replaces the vagaries of your mind. Your inner
elephant can relax and let the mechanism do the work. For example, a
calendar on which you set your schedule for the day is a mechanism. So is
a simple to-do list that guides you through the day. Writing things down
is a tangible mechanism because you will have a document that provides
structure and clarity. You might set an alarm to remind you to take
your medicine. Some people set alarms on their computer or wristwatch
to remember to exercise or go to dinner when absorbed in e-mail or
Internet research. Another kind of mechanism is a computer program
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used by writers that shuts off access to e-mails and the Internet during
prespecified writing periods. I often set objects where I will see them, if
not trip over them, as a mechanism to remind me to take needed action,
such as carrying a book home or mailing a letter. Some people use Post-it
notes in conspicuous places as a tangible reminder to do something their
mind will forget.
Jim Collins uses mechanisms to guide his behavior as an independent
consultant, researcher, and writer. The first mechanism is a rule to
spend 50 percent of his workday on creative pursuits like research and
writing books, 30 percent on teaching-related activities. The remaining
20 percent of his time goes to all other things he has to do. Collins uses
a stopwatch he keeps with him at all times to record times for each
activity on a spreadsheet. Another mechanism is the ‘‘four-day rule’’
that stipulates no more than four days with a single client in a given
year. When teaching a course, Collins handed out one red card to each
student—a tangible mechanism they could hold up to claim the floor to
speak at any time during the semester.9 Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft,
uses a tangible system to manage his time. He sits down with his assistant
and lays out time priorities for the coming year, including time with
family, vacations, and periodic reflection times ranging from half a day
to one week. The assistant lays out required time chunks on the calendar,
and the time left over is available for other business demands.10 Roger
Iger, CEO of Disney, puts walking around on his tangible schedule;
otherwise the gravitational pull of business events would prevent his
meeting employees face-to-face.11 Likewise, your inner executive can
plan and design tangible mechanisms to provide guidance for your inner
elephant.
Rules and procedures have power as a mechanism. They can be written
down and posted as needed to help the inner elephant remember and
make the correct decision. Terri Cullen devised a $500 rule for her
marriage. If she wants to buy something that costs more than $500, she
checks with her husband first. Her husband is a saver who never owned
a credit card prior to their marriage. Terri saw herself as a spendthrift
with a wallet full of credit cards and more than $20,000 in debt, mostly
for student loans. The $500 rule was designed to get her spending habits
under control. Using the rule to set financial boundaries and be honest
about finances helped Terri steer clear of arguments that can tear couples
apart. The rule keeps the lines of financial communication open. Terri
and her husband went on to create a system of both separate and joint
accounts that gives them a sense of control over what they earn yet forces
them to jointly set savings goals and make big money decisions. The
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spending rule made Terri a more careful shopper, and their rule-based
mechanisms took a lot of pain out of their marriage.12
Social Contract
At the beginning of our youngest daughter’s first year in college, she and
her roommates were urged to discuss a ‘‘roommate contract.’’ The discussion was meaningful, but did not trigger the desired behavior as the
semester progressed, nor limit the undesired behavior, as she had hoped.
The roommates returned to the kitchen table and wrote down a new
agreement about visitors, personal responsibilities, and the like. Suddenly,
everything crystallized. The written agreement stuck. The roommates all
‘‘got it.’’ The tangible mechanism of a written social contract was a nifty
way to constrain impulsive or inconsiderate roommate behavior.
The social contract or compact is a commitment device that makes
agreement about behavior specific and concrete. A social contract can be
as simple as talking though a point of disagreement and agreeing to new
behavior, but an important step is to write down the specific points of
agreement and desired behaviors. If you have ever negotiated a contract,
you know how points that were so clear in your mind suddenly are not
so clear when writing them down. And when a point is written down,
the agreement you thought you had with another person based on verbal
discussion may not be agreeable at all. As previously discussed, writing
things down is an excellent tangible mechanism because it brings clarity,
precision, and objectivity by getting thoughts outside your head. The
more specific and tangible a mechanism, the better it will guide inner
elephants.
One of my most extreme experiences as group doctor for the EMBA
program was with a group that was flying apart by the end of the second
semester. It was the worst-performing group I had ever coached. One
individual was participating very little, and other members were furious
at him. Two of the other members had a personality conflict, and some
of their behaviors were designed to annoy each other rather than support
the group. These two members had ‘‘individualistic’’ temperaments and
were slow to adapt to working in a group. EMBA students must be in a
group to complete the program. Three group members asked permission
to fire the free rider, which would ensure his failure in the program. The
free rider woke up to the problems he caused, and said that medication
had disoriented him during the semester and that he would stop taking
it. I had previously tried various strategies to corral these wild elephants,
including deadlines, verbal agreements, and the like, but nothing worked.
All I could think to do was make a list of behaviors the group wanted
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to achieve and a list of things the group would no longer tolerate,
and to write a social contract. The group members liked the idea, and
spent a three-hour meeting hashing out the contract. It included zero
tolerance for the free rider and limited tolerance (a second chance) for
dysfunctional behaviors by other members. This contract had extensive
and precise detail, just what elephants need. I would meet monthly with
the group to review progress on the contract.
Discussing and writing that contract, combined with a signing ceremony that included an EMBA administrator and me, had a transforming
effect. I was amazed. The written and signed contract had an immediate
and compelling impact on member behavior. There were no deviations
of which I was aware. The monthly review meetings for compliance had
little to report. Writing down what ‘‘good’’ and ‘‘bad’’ group member
behavior looked like, along with appropriate penalties for the bad behavior, made everything clear to all parties. A social contract can exert a
strong influence in changing the habits and behavior of inner elephants.
By the end of semester three, I considered this group one of the more
efficient in the EMBA program.
If you like the idea of a contract to motivate your desired behavior, but don’t have anyone to sign a contract with, you can make a
contract with yourself. In psychology, this is an effective strategy for
self-management.13 Three Yale behavioral economists started a Web site
called stickk.com, at which you can select a goal and sign a contract to
achieve that goal. If you fail, it will cost you money. All you need do
is go on the Web site, specify what you want to achieve within a time
frame, put up some money as a stake, and designate a referee to confirm
the truth of your reports. You can even designate friends and family as
emotional partners or supporters to cheer you on. Making a contract with
themselves is probably working for most of the twenty-three thousand
users of the Web site.14
Checklist
The big idea in this chapter for managing your inner elephant is to get
things out of your head and into an external, tangible mechanism of
some sort. One great mechanism is a simple checklist. This is like a to-do
list, only it is official and repeatable. Johns Hopkins University published
the results of implementing a five-step checklist in intensive care units
in Michigan. Doctors were reminded, for example, to wash their hands
and don a sterile gown and gloves before putting an intravenous line
into a patient. The result was astonishing. The infection rate went from
4 percent to zero, and the program saved more than fifteen hundred lives
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and nearly $200 million over eighteen months—all from a simple little
five-point checklist.15 A similar benefit was found in a large international
study of how to avoid mistakes during surgery. Scrawling on the patient
with permanent marker to show where the surgeon should cut, asking a
person’s name, and counting sponges after surgery reduced the mortality
rate by almost half and complications by more than a third.16 Why?
A checklist helps with memory recall, especially for mundane things that
are easily overlooked by a distracted nurse or physician. Intensive care
units are especially distracting places because of drastic events. The mind
is pretty fuzzy even under ideal conditions and can easily miss a minor
detail in critical care chaos. Under pressure, even the best health care
professionals fail to follow basic steps proven to stop infection and other
major complications. Like everyone else, they may act from old habits
or unconscious impulses. The checklist mechanism provides tangible,
written guidance that won’t be overlooked.
Interestingly, many of the physicians in the Michigan study resisted
the checklist. Some were offended by the suggestion that they needed a
checklist. With all their education, many doctors believed that the knowledge in their head was superior to a checklist.17 Doctors have egos just
as you and I do, and their inner elephants want to stay in control rather
than turn over control to an external list or object. One point made in
Chapter Four was that people find it gratifying to exercise control. Control is hard to give up. I tried a simple checklist to make sure my assistant
and I didn’t forget anything when I taught an executive program away
from Vanderbilt. My fear was that I would forget a key video or exercise,
which had happened a time or two. Even with the anticipated peace of
mind as an obvious benefit of a checklist, I felt some resistance to writing
things down. The new center of things was going to be the checklist, not
me. My mind would be replaced by a checklist. My assistant could do
the packing without me. It was almost an insult to my inner elephant.
Well, I did complete the checklist. It feels good now because preparing
for a trip is so effortless, and I haven’t had a single crisis concerning
missing material. But I felt the same resistance the Michigan physicians
must have felt when asked to give up control to a simple and apparently
mindless checklist. However, the simple tangible mechanism turned out
to be far smarter and more reliable for health care than anyone expected.
Scorecard
Another mechanism that converts muddled thinking into tangible reality
is a scorecard. A scorecard provides concrete feedback on any behavior
about which you are willing to keep a count of some kind. The count
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is a way to see objective facts as a key step in managing your behavior.
Recall the scorecard in Chapter Four of the educator who had 241 critical
thoughts toward parents in a seven-hour period, or that in Chapter Two
of the MBA student whose mind wandered seventy-five times during a
class while he was trying to pay attention.
Don’t focus on changing an undesired behavior; just count it. Keeping
count on a scorecard will increase your awareness and provide unvarnished feedback. In psychology this is called self-monitoring. You can
count almost anything, and your total will serve as a benchmark for comparing behavior change. Marcus was from South America and disliked
American drivers.
My anger comes from what I see as inconsiderate and unsafe actions
on the road. Examples are driving too slowly, not moving when
required on four-way stop signs, and swerving into my lane. My
response is to get very angry, many times to yell, and sometimes to
drive aggressively. I know this is not good for me and it can be unsafe.
Marcus counted the number of times he became angry while driving
during a normal week (benchmark) and then kept a scorecard during three
weeks of trying to change. During the benchmark week, he experienced
seven driving incidents, of which five triggered his anger (71 percent) and
two (29 percent) led to an aggressive change in his driving. During the
first week of behavior change, his anger reaction dropped to 47 percent
and his aggressive driving to 21 percent, a healthy improvement. By
the third week, his anger reactions dropped to zero. Marcus’s scorecard
‘‘provided motivation and hope that I could change, which I did.’’
MBA students have kept a scorecard for the percentage of assignments
turned in on time, the amount of time wasted on watching TV or other
unproductive activities, the number of fruits or vegetables eaten each
day, the percentage of appointments attended on time, and the like. One
student kept track of how many times she said ‘‘you know’’ or other trite
phrases like ‘‘whatever’’ or ‘‘it is what it is’’ in conversations. The average
number of phrases dropped from 3.7 to 1.2 per day, and the percentage
of phrase-free conversations jumped from 29 percent to 82 percent over
a three-week period.
Uri, a manager at a phone company, kept track of the number of
times he interrupted direct reports in meetings. His benchmark score
showed three interruptions per meeting during the first week. During
the following week of attempted change, the urge to interrupt was
consistent (thirty-two urges during eleven hours of meetings), but actual
interruptions dropped by one-third (to twenty-two). Upon reflection, of
the twenty-two interruptions, only five were valid points that Uri needed
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to make. By the third week, the desire to interrupt dropped to less
than one per meeting as Uri became more of a facilitator and orderly
participant. With patience, he learned that points he wanted to make
would be made by someone else.
This was very revealing as I realized I was not allowing my employees
to use their full worth by playing out the conversation, and be fulfilled
as decision makers. Initially it was difficult to hold back, but I felt a
strong sense of satisfaction from being disciplined enough and from
seeing my employees’ sense of gratification making the decision.
A simple count on a sheet of paper creates a scorecard and objective
feedback that can help you, like Uri and others, make important changes
in your personal or leader behavior.
Emptying Your Head into a System
The idea behind a tangible mechanism is to reverse the phenomenon of
‘‘out of sight, out of mind.’’ You may forget something that is left in
your head. If you can see it outside yourself, you will remember and
act on it. A tangible mechanism improves management of your inner
elephant by substituting something objective and concrete for the vague
and uncertain mind, a winning trade-off for most people. The more the
mind’s clutter can be emptied out into an external mechanism, the easier
it is to control yourself.
That is why I like the mechanisms developed by David Allen in Getting
Things Done, a system for controlling your inner elephant.18 His advice
works for me for staying organized. His step 1: Empty your head. In
order to clear your mind, you have to write down on separate scraps of
paper everything that is demanding part of your attention. All of those
duties, tasks, projects, and commitments can be organized into buckets of
similar themes. But first, write them all down on separate pieces of paper.
His step 2: Decide on the ‘‘next action’’ for every item. This specifies
the implementation intention described earlier—the detailed stepby-step process that will achieve your goal of completing that project.
Step 3: Organize the information. It can be put on your calendar, PDA, or
to-do list showing when and where the next actions will be completed. Use
whichever mechanism works for you. Step 4: Perform a weekly review. Do
this at the same time and place each week, perhaps Sunday evening. This
review provides essential feedback on the extent of completion of various
projects. This review is a good time also to empty your head of new
activities or commitments with which to repeat the cycle of defining
‘‘next action’’ implementation intentions to be plugged into your system.
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You can let the system do the work, just as the talking ball did the
work of managing my facilitated conversations with executive groups.
You just have to show up to feed in information each week and interpret
the results. Rather than fight with your inner elephant, help it download
its mental burden into a tangible mechanism system, and you will do well.
If you are lucky, perhaps you can purchase or become part of someone
else’s objective system. My wife, Dorothy, joined Weight Watchers to lose
weight. She discovered and embraced a wonderful system that Weight
Watchers provided. Counting ‘‘points’’ for foods translated her food
consumption into a simple number that was easier to keep track of than
calories. She could plug information into the computer each evening
and get immediate feedback on how she was doing. Weekly meetings
provided social support and feedback on weight loss or gain. After about
two months, her inner elephant was becoming trained, and the unwanted
weight came off and stayed off as the system took hold. The system
provided a concrete structure and easy-to-follow instructions that made
it easy to conform to the desired behavior. Dorothy explained her success
as being part of a system that took day-to-day eating decisions out of
her unreliable mind and into a set of structured, concrete, and specific
mechanisms.
Remember This
Create Tangible Mechanisms
Design a concrete object or method— a tangible mechanism—to
help you accomplish a desired task. Mechanisms include rules,
calendars, or reminders that do not rely on memory. The
following are effective mechanisms for guiding behavior:
•
Talking ball for conversations
•
To-do list to organize your day
•
Software to eliminate distractions
•
Contract to commit to behavior
•
Checklist to eliminate errors
•
Scorecard for feedback
•
Personal system to direct and support new behavior
7
•
Calm Down
to Speed Up
For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is to let
it rain.
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Always take an emergency leisurely.
—Chinese proverb
nikolay, an exchange student from Eastern Europe, was struggling
three weeks into the fall semester. He was to be at Vanderbilt only one
semester and was having a hard time. He was in my MBA leadership
class and came to see me. Nikolay could not focus or concentrate, was
lonely, missed his family and badly missed his girlfriend, and was falling
hopelessly behind in his finance course. He could not seem to study in his
room or in the library. He felt a mental block toward finance and could
not force himself to do the assignments. As we talked, I sensed a person
who was utterly unfocused and mentally fragmented because his mind
and emotions were all over the place. The anxiety from procrastinating
in finance made him miserable. Because my course dealt with behavioral
issues, Nikolay asked if I had advice that could help him.
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108
To help Nikolay get his foot on the accelerator in his mind and off the
brake, I gave him a simple assignment: take any homework needing to
be completed and go sit at one of the tables in the school hallways or
lobby that was already occupied by one or two other students. ‘‘Make
sure other students are at the table when you do homework. Just sit with
those students and see what happens. Do all your homework while sitting
close to other people. It does not matter whether you know them.’’ Early
the next week, Nikolay came in again after class, and he was a lighter
person. His face was relaxed. He said he was better able to focus and
concentrate. Although not totally caught up, he had completed major
finance homework assignments. His misery index was much lower.
Get Connected
What transformed Nikolay? It was getting connected to others, even if by
just sitting near them. I explained to him that having other people close
by tends to calm and focus a fragmented inner elephant. He had been
experiencing an avoidance behavior, which is an escape from unpleasant
situations or feelings such as anxiety, nonrational fear, or emotional
distress. Avoidance behavior is a symptom of underlying anxiety, of
which Nikolay was not aware. My advice was to find someone to sit
close to in order to finish the homework. Does this sound weird? When
you see friends studying or working together, you might think they would
be distracted, but in fact they are better able to stay calm and get work
done. Some students have told me that if they are unable to concentrate
at home, they go to the library where others are present, and they focus
better.
I learned the technique of being with other people soon after moving to
Nashville. I had a book deadline, felt enormous pressure, and could not
write. Newly divorced, I could not focus on or push my way through the
material. I did not understand what was wrong with me. Each time I sat
down at my desk at home to write, the impulse to go out for a donut or
pick up my dry cleaning took over. I did everything but write. I managed
to struggle through a few simple things, but the more complex material
defeated me. I described my difficulty to a colleague in psychology, and
he said ‘‘No problem. Tell me when you want to start on the difficult
material, and I will come and sit in your office.’’ ‘‘No way,’’ I said. ‘‘I
like to work alone.’’ ‘‘Just try it,’’ he said, ‘‘and see what happens. I will
sit in the corner opposite you and work on e-mail. I won’t say a word or
bother you at all.’’ I was desperate, so I agreed to his suggestion.
Well, when he was in the room, I miraculously (to me) focused on the
most difficult material and plowed through it without resistance. What
calm down to speed up
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a relief! He explained that having another person in the room grounded
my scattered emotions and calmed my anxiety, thereby enabling me
to focus and concentrate. This is similar to ‘‘supportive’’ therapy in
psychology wherein a therapist accompanies a phobic client to calm the
client’s anxiety while the client approaches a fear-inducing object, such
as an airplane flight. It was a powerful lesson. It was as if I had an
emotional child (baby elephant) inside me feeling distress of which I was
unaware. I was only aware of the avoidance behavior. Having another
person present calmed down the distressed inner child so that I could
move forward and concentrate to write the difficult passages. For the
next several months, until I healed from the divorce, I arranged for an
assistant to work in my office whenever I felt the symptoms of avoidance.
Having a ‘‘babysitter’’ during those months made my life a lot easier.
This is a rather subtle idea, that another person nearby can calm an
anxious inner elephant and enable us to focus and concentrate, whether
the other person knows it or not. But the idea is not uncommon.
Support groups are enormously popular because of collegial support
to change behavior. AA is probably the most famous and successful
support group, and there are groups for just about every physical illness
or behavioral issue with which people want support to cope or change.
The comfort and emotional warmth provided by a group may seem
trivial to a rational observer, but comfort is exactly what reduces your
inner elephant’s anxiety or fear, thereby strengthening the intention of
your inner executive to do what you have been resisting. Research at
Vanderbilt, for example, found that when members of a weight-loss
group have a lot in common, they feel safe and lose more weight. Being
around like-minded people with a similar goal is an important part of
successful personal change.
Helping your inner elephant feel calm and safe increases your focus
and forward movement. Involving other people is an important way
to guide your inner elephant toward behavior that is new or that you
have been avoiding. A connection to others can also inspire and sustain
hope, give you guidance, and reinforce progress. For example, a regional
manager for a brokerage firm asked for my thoughts about a ‘‘bullpen’’
arrangement for brokers. He said a big problem in his offices was the
difficulty new brokers had making cold calls. Once hired, they soon ran
through family and friends, and cold calls were essential for building
a book of business. The cold-call rejection rate was above 98 percent,
and over time brokers would start avoiding cold calls. He had heard
of brokerages that used bullpens and wondered if that would help.
Brokerage sales managers typically did not provide emotional support to
calm a brokers’ anxiety; the more macho managers expected new brokers
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to survive cold calling on their own. I was enthusiastic about the bullpen
idea. Placing the cold-calling brokers in a conference room where they
could see and hear one another sounded like an ideal solution to help
calm their fears of rejection. I encouraged the regional manager to try it
and let me know what happened. I called two months later, and he said
two offices did try the bullpen for cold calling with some success. He
could not yet verify increased sales, but he knew of two salespeople on
the verge of quitting who changed their mind and were showing progress.
Retaining salespeople was his primary goal.
Given the obvious help of other people for managing oneself in the
face of felt resistance, I tried an experiment in my Leading Change MBA
class. Each student selected some change to make in himself or herself
over the next three weeks (eat healthy, lose weight, go to bed earlier, stop
drinking sodas) with the help of a fellow student coach. The coach had
two responsibilities: to call and ask a few questions each evening and be
very supportive and encouraging. The coaches were not to be analytical,
rational, or critical as if an authority figure. Roughly 80 percent of the
students reported solid progress over the three weeks, several with lapses,
but progress nevertheless. The written papers at the end of term showed
that the partner system helped most of the time, and forward progress
stopped when the partner’s calls did.
One student felt great resistance to tackling an exercise regimen.
As I interacted with my partner on this project, having to voice my
feelings to another person was more difficult than simply rationalizing
excuses in my mind. The days I was able to convey a success to my
partner were eye opening. It felt good to be accountable to another
person, and his support had a resounding effect on other areas of my
life. I made unexpected progress toward realizing my vision of living
a healthier life.
Another student added,
The calls with my partner helped me be accountable to monitor my
progress. It helped me face reality. At first I didn’t want to look like a
fool to her. However, as time went by the calls became more personal
and I reported failures as well. The calls helped in a way I don’t fully
understand, but my progress was better than when I tried to make
progress alone.
To accelerate forward motion in your behavior, sustaining a partner
relationship for three months or more would be enough time to make
the new behavior fairly permanent. The major point is that one way
to overcome the anxiety that causes avoidance is to have the help of
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a partner whose presence will calm the underlying fear or anxiety and
thereby strengthen the intention of your inner executive.
Remember This
Get Connected
When you are feeling fragmented or unfocused, or when you are
caught in avoidance behavior,
•
Do not stay isolated.
•
Sit near others who are calm and focused.
•
Find a partner to work with.
•
Join a compatibility group.
Let It Happen
Why does the presence of one or more supportive people help our inner
executive gain control over our inner elephant? It works because these
people can often calm and soothe a distressed inner elephant, and a calm,
peaceful inner elephant is easier to work with; it accepts guidance and
direction. When emotional or scared or traumatized, an elephant is hard
to manage. If so-called support people appear as negative, critical, or
attacking in some sense, the elephant’s natural instinct is to resist and
fight back, which agitates and strengthens the inner elephant’s resistance
and avoidance.
What this adds up to is that when you notice avoidance, calm down
rather than add pressure on yourself. The avoidance is caused by unconscious anxiety. Giving up pressure rather than adding pressure may seem
counterintuitive. The underlying philosophy is opposite to the way many
people think, which is to use brute force rather than calmness to control
themselves. Calming down rather than pushing and forcing reflects the
philosophy ‘‘Let it happen,’’ rather than ‘‘Make it happen,’’ when dealing
with a recalcitrant inner elephant. You are behaving as though you are
being kind and gentle and making friends with your elephant and with
the task you are avoiding. Trying too hard to mentally push or force
yourself to do something is typically a mistake. Don’t become a ‘‘critical
parent’’ and waste mental energy berating yourself, which only agitates
the elephant and strengthens its resistance. Force and resistance balance
out to maintain the status quo. If this inner struggle sounds all too
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familiar to you, learning to calm down and let things happen may be
more promising than trying to force yourself to do something.
People too often try to pressure themselves, which is often the opposite of what works. Recall from Chapter Four that the inner elephant
exaggerates the threat associated with something it fears or does not
like. It sees a snake instead of a rope. This exaggeration is part of the
reason for resistance. One trick to stay calm and let it happen is to
remember that the dread is always worse than the thing dreaded. Your
inner executive knows this. You can help calm the inner elephant the
same way you eat a whale—one small bite at a time. You can break a
big, threatening-looking task into tiny, tiny bites that are not threatening
at all, as mentioned in Chapter Six. For example, if I feel overwhelmed
about writing a book, which I do, I break it down and focus on one
chapter. If I’m overwhelmed with the chapter, which I am, I break it
down to a single paragraph, or even a single sentence to write. If writing
a single sentence overwhelms me, I can break down that task to reading a
single sentence of source material. When the task gets ridiculously small,
my inner elephant can no longer resist. The work then just happens with
no effort on my part. Once I read the first sentence, then I can read one
more sentence, and so on.
The point of relaxing to let it happen is that you allow your inner
elephant to get started, perhaps by choosing a small piece within the elephant’s comfort zone. This is similar to a Japanese technique called
kaizen, which calls for tiny improvements rather than big changes. Pressuring yourself to do too much may activate fear in the emotional part of
your nervous system, which triggers a flight response, and your elephant
will run away from what you are trying to do. We all hear about stretch
goals, which work well in some settings, but they are not the way to
guide your elephant through its anxiety. If you resist exercise, try it for
one minute only to ‘‘let it happen.’’ After a few days of easy one-minute
exercising, you’ll likely find yourself expanding the time with no felt
resistance. It will happen naturally, without pressure. Doris aspired to
run at least three miles three times a week, but she was not running
at all when she asked for my help. She ran three miles regularly when
employed, but graduate school offered few respites. I suggested she try
one mile, or even half a mile. Once she got used to the idea of a short
distance, soon she was running again without forcing herself. Poppy
did the same thing with her goal of drinking sixty-four ounces of water
each day. Going from drinking little water to two quarts was a big
change, so we broke it down to one twelve-ounce bottle of water a
day. She found that amount easy, let it happen, and built up from
there.
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• TRY THIS •
Let It Happen
•
Calm down your inner elephant.
•
Do not try to force yourself to engage in the task you are
avoiding.
•
When ready, start with a tiny piece of the task.
•
Aim low, not high, to ‘‘just get started.’’
•
Then let it happen.
Aim low, not high, to psych out your inner elephant’s anxiety or
tendency to be overwhelmed. Then, let it happen. Here is a quote from
Mother Teresa that captures this idea from another perspective: ‘‘If there
are 100 children hungry, and you can feed only one, feed one. Don’t
worry about the ninety-nine you can’t feed. If you did, you’d end up
doing nothing. And do it today. Tomorrow the child will be dead.’’1
Don’t let big eyes block your forward movement. Stay calm by selecting
a tiny part. That is enough.
Sit by Your Problem
Another idea for calming down is to ‘‘sit by the elevator,’’ which means
to move forward gradually and gently to keep the elephant’s anxiety low.
An executive from a utility company approached me during a break in a
program for his company. He asked if I had seen a video in which a man
had a phobia about elevators, which caused many problems because he
worked on the eighth floor of a building in the city. The man did not want
to spend thousands of dollars on psychotherapy to unravel the cause of
his condition, so he found an adviser. The adviser told the man to meet
him at a specific address on a Saturday morning and to bring a folding
chair and card table. They met, and the adviser took the man inside the
building and set up the chair and table near the elevator. He told the man
to sit there and let nature take its course. Oh yes—the charge for curing
the phobia was $10.
How did the adviser earn the $10? As the man sat near the elevator,
he became more comfortable. When nothing bad happened, his anxiety
diminished. As his anxiety diminished, he moved closer to the elevator.
This increased his anxiety, and he sat still again until he calmed down.
The man was motivated to use the elevator, and his inner elephant was
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gradually reducing its fear and getting used to the elevator. Each time he
calmed down, the man moved closer to the elevator, eventually stepping
in and out, and finally riding it to upper floors.
Anxiety can be controlled through graduated exposure. In psychology,
this is called exposure therapy. You can pay to have someone with you if
you have a serious phobia, which is called supportive exposure therapy.
Or you can do it alone in cases of less intense feelings of avoidance or
resistance to a task or object. Just take one small step at a time toward
the fearsome object to keep anxiety low. Whenever the man’s inner
elephant was peaceful and calm, the inner executive took a step toward
the elevator, and soon the man was on the elevator. You can do the same
thing.
I use this approach with MBA students. I ask them to find something
toward which they feel resistance and then to ‘‘sit by the elevator.’’ If they
are avoiding a project in marketing, just go sit by the book and papers.
Don’t try to do anything, just sit there and calm down. The students
reported that from two to ten minutes is typically enough time for them
to calm down and pick up a book. Then they take the first tiny bite from
their work. Soon they begin flowing into the resisted task. You do not
need to force yourself to do anything. Just relax. As your inner resistance
declines, you will calmly begin work on the project. Again, the trick is
to find a way to just get started. After you are immersed in a task, the
pleasure is the same no matter the task.
• TRY THIS •
Sit by Your Problem
1. Identify a task, materials, or an object toward which you feel
resistance.
2. Sit close to these materials.
3. Do not take action; just sit until resistance fades away.
4. When calm, slowly approach the material.
5. Go slowly to just get started, then immerse yourself in the task.
For example, Wanda was in an enormous fight with herself over
writing a final operations paper. She didn’t want to face the task. Finally,
she took all her materials and her computer to the library, set them in
one of the small carrels, and closed the door. There were no distractions,
so she just looked at them for fifteen minutes. She was calming her inner
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elephant. Then she found herself going through the papers, and before
too long she was ready to write. ‘‘Sitting by the elevator’’ helped her finish
that paper on time. The next time you are in a struggle with yourself over
some task, find a way to sit by the project and calm down rather than try
to make it happen.
Relax Your Body
The body and mind are connected, so you can calm your mind by relaxing
your body. Indeed, I think relaxing the body is easier than relaxing the
mind. Your body is tangible; it is easier to find. The advantage is that
when you relax your body, your mind will follow. The more relaxed
your body, the quieter and more peaceful your mind. You might develop
a regimen to use at the end of the day, during breaks, or when you face a
daunting task.
However, most people don’t know how to relax. It has to be learned,
like cooking or playing tennis. The muscles of the body carry tension
throughout the day. Your inner elephant wants to take action, to do
things, rather than to sit quietly and just ‘‘be.’’ Tension in muscles is
a readiness to respond. Thus relaxation of muscles can bring about a
peaceful, relaxed attitude. Your body is not used to being relaxed. If you
sit quietly, you may feel anxious and impatient, and your mind may start
to race. One exercise I give students is to relax for ten, twenty, or thirty
minutes. Relaxing is difficult for some, so they get up and move before
their time is up.
Relaxation takes intentional and focused effort. William James, dean
of American psychologists, wrote an essay about relaxation in 1899.
He observed that modern people were too tense and anxious, and that
tension arose from the egoistic preoccupation with results. He cited
many examples of people who spent years trying unsuccessfully to rid
themselves of anxieties, inferiorities, and guilt feelings, to no effect. The
way to success, he argued, was through surrender and passivity, not
activity; through relaxation and not forced actions. James said to give
our compulsive self a rest.2 Techniques such as meditation, which focus
on relaxing the mind, are described in later chapters. Techniques for
relaxing the body are discussed here.
There are many excellent techniques for relaxing your body, including
yoga, tai chi, massage, biofeedback, and exercise. You have to choose
one and use it. Each involves learning to let go of the body’s tension.
Siri Hustvedt wrote a blog for the New York Times about living with
migraine headaches. At first he thought of his condition as ‘‘the enemy,’’
and fought it with all his personal resources. He did not want to be
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passive or a quitter. When he moved away from his aggressive approach,
he started to get better. With biofeedback, he practiced letting go. He
learned to relax physically. He learned to stop fighting and forcing.
He still has migraines, but when one comes on, he does relaxation
exercises, which eliminate the most severe pain and nausea.3
Simple Techniques
A technique you can use anywhere is progressive muscle relaxation. Sit
quietly and then alternatively tense and relax each muscle group in your
body in a sequence that makes sense for you. You might start with the
feet (or one foot) and then move to the calves, upper legs, buttocks,
abdomen, chest, hands, forearms, upper arms, shoulders, neck and
tongue area, and head. Your mind’s eye can concentrate on or ‘‘see’’
each muscle group during tension and relaxation. Tensing followed
by relaxing provides for clear definition of the muscle group and deeper
relaxation.
As I mentioned in Chapter Four, several years ago I had a complex
year taxwise, and avoided doing my part for my accountant. Days were
passing, and the more pressure I felt, the more I resisted, creating internal
conflict. I vividly recall clearing a Thursday on my calendar just for
taxes. On Wednesday night I piled all the receipts and forms on the
dining room table. In the morning, I didn’t even want to sit next to
the materials. For some reason this had become a major block to my
inner elephant. So I went to an upstairs room and lay down on the bed.
Not knowing what else to do, I just went through progressive muscle
relaxation to calm myself down. Then, after about twenty minutes,
I felt a swift internal shift. The resistance simply disappeared. I actually
wanted to go down and do the work on the taxes. Suddenly my inner
executive was in charge of my relaxed elephant. Taking advantage, I ran
downstairs and started to work. Sooner than expected, the tax work
was complete. I took it to the post office, with a note of apology to my
accountant, wondering why my inner elephant had resisted so hard for
so long.
If you have time, lying down is a great facilitator of relaxation. Let
your body release its tension. Let your thoughts fall away like autumn
leaves. The world can get along without your help for a few moments.
Let go of your need to control things. My favorite method of relaxation
is to just let go, let go, let go of the physical tension in my body. I learned
this from a Sanyasi (spiritual Hindu itinerant) passing through Nashville.
Start by lying down, and intentionally let go of the tension in your body.
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Or sit comfortably in a soft chair, close your eyes, and just let go from
within your body. Let go from the inside out. Let go from within your
chest, from within your jaw and tongue, from within each leg and each
arm. Until you get the hang of it, it will take focus and effort to let
go of tension, because your muscles are tight. Focus on letting go of
all muscle tension for fifteen seconds. Then try again for thirty seconds.
Then try for as long as you can. Repeat until you are totally relaxed for
a few minutes. With this method, I become so relaxed that the muscles
of my body seem to expand as the muscles let go. I’m surprised when
the expansion doesn’t pop the buttons off my shirt. Best of all, my mind
becomes quiet and calm. With a little practice you can completely relax
for a few minutes by physically letting go while in your office, watching
a movie or TV, or even working on the computer.
Sports
Sports psychology provides a store of knowledge connecting relaxation
to higher performance, whether on the putting green or in the batter’s
box. In competitive sports, tensing up and trying too hard to force the
action usually cause lower performance. Stan Utley, a putting guru on
the professional golf tour, has advice for players who miss a lot of short
putts: they should relax and free up the tension in their shoulders and
arms. ‘‘When people get tense, they try to guide the ball rather than let
the putter head swing itself through the ball.’’4 Tim Corbin, head coach
of Vanderbilt’s successful baseball team, teaches his players systematic
physical routines to stay calm during a game. If the batter starts to feel
rushed and his mind starts to race, he is coached to step away from the
batter’s box and follow a routine to calm down and regain focus and
intention. If a pitcher feels an uptick of emotion, he steps off the mound
to regain composure and the focused intention to throw the best pitch.
Having a set physical routine is a good way to slow down a racing mind.
Jim Fannin teaches players to unhinge their jaw and take a few deep
breaths to help them relax. Tension is stored in the tongue and jaw area,
and opening the jaw allows tension to escape. When Michael Jordan
stuck out his tongue when driving to the basket, it was a sign of his
body’s relaxation.
Hatha Yoga
Yoga is an ancient Indian practice that has achieved popularity in
Western culture, even on Wall Street. The Wall Street Journal, Fortune,
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the New York Times, and Inc. have reported on the infiltration of yoga
into the testosterone culture of Wall Street banks and hedge funds. For
example, Diane Shumaker-Krieg, global head of research at of Wachovia
Securities, said, ‘‘Yoga is my little vacation each day. It makes me happy,
which gives me energy.’’ Even if she just has time to stand on her head for
fifteen minutes, ‘‘it’s amazing the clarity that gives me—and the chance
to connect to the nonmathematical side of my brain.’’5 At Karsh Capital,
about a third of the thirty-three employees took yoga classes at the
company’s offices each week. Michael Karsh had practiced three years,
and he knows to ‘‘take a step back, have a breath and stay focused.’’6
D. E. Shaw, another New York hedge fund, offered hour-long yoga
classes at the office. Many companies offer yoga instruction to employees
for its emotional and physical health benefits.7
Yoga as known today in the West is mostly hatha yoga, known for its
slow-paced stretching and physical postures, often combined with a focus
on breathing and mental relaxation. Historically, hatha yoga was a
holistic practice from ancient India that included strict moral discipline,
purification procedures, and controlled breathing as a prelude to serious
meditation. I recommend hatha yoga because of the combination of
mental concentration with physical relaxation. It brings the body and
mind into harmony. I think of it as reaching the mind through the body,
which is ideal for people who like to reduce stress and tension with
physical exercise.
Here is writer Laraine Herring’s description of her experience with
yoga:
Yoga is slow. Mindful. It cultivates a relationship between body,
mind, and spirit. . . . As I’ve worked with yoga, I began to listen, for
the first time, to my body. Yes, that feels good. No, that stretch is too
deep, pull back. I noticed sudden tears surfacing during a spinal twist
and the incredible, surprising unburdening (of what?) that occurred
in pigeon pose. I began to welcome conversations between me and
this form of flesh that carries me.
When I truly began to listen to my own skin, I could hardly contain
the din. It was like a mother coming home from work to a dozen kids
all talking at once. It panicked me, being this close to my skin. No
wonder we distract ourselves from it in every conceivable way. This
skin, this body, held everything I’d ever done. Through showing up
on the mat, I learned to show up for my body. My ability, not just
to listen, but to hear, surfaced. And as I learn how to hear, I learned
how to write in a new way.8
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Hatha yoga brings together active masculine energy with receptive
feminine energy. Yoga training enables you to balance opposing energies,
embracing power and flexibility, hot and cold, positive and negative,
mind and body. The physical positions require strength and balance,
while at the same time keeping your mind focused and breath smooth.
Each pose brings different parts of the body to your mind’s attention.
One intention of hatha yoga is to increase your conscious awareness in
the present moment. Physical strength and flexibility are by-products.
The slow pace combined with physical awareness promotes a calm
and meditative state of mind. People who practice yoga learn to be
more relaxed under otherwise stressful situations in which they might
overreact. During a posture or stretch, you can let go of aggression
and force, learning to let go in stress situations. Stretches clear tension
from the muscles and help your mind feel relaxed for a long period
of time. Participants say that their muscles are more flexible and their
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bones are stronger; the mental benefits they cite are greater willpower,
concentration, and self-containment. I think of yoga as a supportive way
to relax your inner elephant and strengthen your inner executive, because
you can attend classes with other students and learn from a teacher.
• TRY THIS •
Relax Your Body
•
Try this relaxation technique to see how it feels.
1. Sit comfortably or lie down; close your eyes.
2. Progressively tense and relax each muscle group in sequence.
•
Alternatively, you can ‘‘let go’’ from within your body:
1. Let go from within muscle groups simultaneously for fifteen to
thirty seconds.
2. Repeat until you completely let go of muscle tension for
several minutes.
•
Another way to calm your inner elephant is to develop a physical routine, which might include stepping away, that you engage
during stressful situations.
•
A yoga class is excellent for relaxing the body and calming
the mind.
Calm Your Elephant by Acting the Part or Making
a Gentle Request
The e-mail from Lois asked if she could see me to talk about an
avoidance issue. Lois had taken my leadership course, so she was
familiar with ideas about how to lead herself. Concerning avoidance
behaviors such as procrastination, I typically do not teach the practices
from popular books, such as to set goals, prioritize, remove distractions,
aim for excellence, prepare thoroughly, identify constraints, and so on.
These ideas are good, but the people in my classes and programs already
do most of these things. I tend to recommend ideas that take advantage
of their understanding of the inner executive and inner elephant. I made
a list of ideas to discuss with Lois.
Her issue was how to use free time. If she had a week off between
classes, her intention to work on papers and projects would be undercut
by her inner elephant doing other things. If she had free time on the
weekend, she would avoid starting on a paper due two weeks away. She
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would end up on Sunday night before classes with nothing accomplished.
Lois was not a perfectionist making a high demand on herself. She just
wanted to spend a few hours getting a head start when she had the time
to do so. Lois said she typically did not avoid work when she was under
the normal pressures of daily tasks, class, or study group deadlines. We
reviewed a number of options from class, none of which resonated for
her. Soon I reached the last two items on my list—‘‘acting the part’’ and
having a conversation with herself.
Lois was not familiar with either, so I explained that acting the part
means behaving ‘‘as if’’ you are playing a role rather than behaving for
real. A professional actor is fully engaged in her role, often behaving
in ways she would never be comfortable with in everyday life. An actor
knows she is not the character, but can play the part. So instead of
pressuring yourself when your elephant is resisting something, relax and
let yourself behave as if you are acting. Just pretend. Start by sitting for
a few minutes and letting your inner executive visualize yourself acting
the desired behavior. You might also visualize what you will feel when
the desired behavior is completed. Picturing the behavior in advance
is an important step. You can also physically rehearse the required
movements to see how they feel.
• TRY THIS •
Act the Part
1. Sit quietly and visualize yourself performing the desired behavior.
2. Visualize what you will feel when the behavior is successfully
completed.
3. Try going through the physical motions to see how the role feels.
4. Initiate the desired behavior as if rehearsing or playing a part.
5. Remember, it is just pretend. Your elephant can stay calm because
there is nothing to lose.
Acting the part means that it is not really you executing the behavior,
which reduces the pressure on your inner elephant. Once you have a
visual script, just play the role. There is nothing to lose. It may take two
or three times to get the hang of it, but once you can detach from your
elephant’s fears, acting the part becomes easy. For example, one MBA
student acted the part of a host to prompt himself to reach out to many
people after failing to do so as himself. Another told me that he acted
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the part to ask a new girl for a date. He made a game of it rather than be
held back by his fears.
I asked Lois, ‘‘How about if you play the role of someone using her
free time wisely?’’ Lois answered, ‘‘That sounds okay, but what about
your final idea?’’
The idea of talking to her elephant might sound weird, so I raised it
cautiously. ‘‘How would you feel about having a conversation with your
inner elephant, asking why it avoids work when it has free time, and
asking if it would be willing to do some schoolwork over the break?’’ I
said. Lois seemed quite open to the idea, so I explained the theory behind
this approach, which I had learned in a workshop. ‘‘This idea may
strike some people as silly and childish, but it works,’’ I told her. One
key assumption is that every thought or behavior of the inner elephant
originally had a positive purpose. Everything we do was learned as a way
to cope effectively with a specific situation, even if the behavior annoys
you now. So if you ask the inner elephant directly about the purpose of
its resistance, it may be able to answer, which will provide insight into
why the seemingly dysfunctional avoidance occurs. Your inner elephant,
in its own way, is trying to do what is best for you when it avoids work
during school breaks.
The second assumption is that if our inner executive speaks gently and
soothingly to the inner elephant, asking if it would please do something,
then the elephant is likely to respond in a positive way. Remember
that while growing up, it had to contend with criticism and negative
judgments, and it may get more now from bosses, professors, and family
members—not to mention the judge within. The elephant often resists
because it is upset. You are helping it calm down. A kind and nurturing
attitude toward your inner elephant can yield a surprisingly positive
response. If instead you yell at or criticize your inner elephant, it will
shrink into itself and resist even more.
Lois seemed excited about this idea. I explained how she could roleplay by having two chairs facing each other, one for the inner elephant
and one for the inner executive. She could move from chair to chair as
she spoke to the other self, asking first why it wants to put off working
over the break and, second, if it would consider putting in a few hours on
schoolwork. She could switch chairs to answer each question. Switching
chairs did not appeal to her, so I explained that I used this approach
simply by closing my eyes and speaking downward into myself as if there
were another entity inside me. If the feeling of resistance can be identified
in the body, it is best to speak directly to that feeling. I recalled an
incident where I had some free time to work on my annual performance
review but was feeling psychological resistance. I couldn’t get started. I
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spoke directly to that resistance and said something like, ‘‘Would it be
okay if we work on the annual review now?’’ I waited a few moments. I
did not get a verbal yes or no. The answer came by the resistance falling
away. I assumed that this was a yes and promptly did my annual review.
The internal resistance felt a bit like a balky child who needed some
nurturing attention. By speaking nicely to it and asking its permission, it
said yes. It was as if the inner elephant wanted to cooperate, but needed
to be asked in a nice way.
I saw Lois in the library a few weeks later and asked whether she had
tried having a conversation with her inner elephant. She said it was the
best thing she had ever tried for her avoidance behaviors. She completed
a lot of schoolwork over the school break by asking her inner elephant
each morning if it minded working for a couple of hours. She said she
spoke to it as if she were soothing a cranky child. ‘‘Why, just a few
minutes ago my inner elephant wanted to play a computer game as I sat
here rather than prepare for an exam I have tomorrow. I turned inward
and asked sweetly if it would be okay to go ahead and work on the
exam now. It agreed. Asking my elephant nicely has worked for me
every time.’’
Having a conversation with the inner elephant to ask permission is
related to the idea of autosuggestion. Both techniques involve speaking to
the inner elephant—one makes a suggestion; the other asks permission.
The difference is that the request speaks more directly to the unhappy,
childlike inner elephant to calm it down and relax its anxiety and
resistance. Both strategies work for gaining control of your accelerator
so that you can move forward despite feelings of avoidance.
• TRY THIS •
Make a Gentle Request
1. Close your eyes and focus on the location of internal felt resistance.
2. Speak gently and softly to this resistance.
3. Ask permission to proceed with the avoided task as if soothing a
fearful child.
4. Wait until you sense that your inner elephant is ready to proceed.
5. Get started and complete the avoided task.
Lois is an example of how to make practices in this book work for
you. So long as the elephant and executive are in harmony, we feel
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no distress as we plow through the day. Inner distress arises when
your elephant wants to avoid something that you want to undertake.
The inner elephant and inner executive then are at odds, and managing
yourself means changing your inner elephant. Lois had a great attitude
that will work for you—willingness to try something, just a little willingness to apply ideas from this book that may seem strange or different.9
Let go of your skepticism. If you are avoiding a task, there will be some
underlying anxiety, so try something new: acting the part, talking to
your elephant, autosuggestion, calming down your anxious elephant by
consciously relaxing, or engaging with other people. Learn what works
for you. All you need is enough willingness to try one or more of the
suggested practices in this and other chapters. Relax and let the rest
take care of itself. Reading the book is easy, but reading is not enough.
Does reading a menu satisfy your hunger, or do you order and eat the
meal? Try a few spoonfuls of this material. Practice is required for you
to change yourself even a small amount.
8
•
Slow Down to Stop
Your Reactions
No matter what has happened, always behave as if nothing
had happened.
—Arnold Bennett
We are not troubled by things, but by the opinion we have
of things.
—Epictetus
iris worked hard for seven years to build up her service business.
She employed fifteen people, and the business was finally earning solid
profits. One of Iris’s employees, Adele, asked to speak with her privately.
They went to a conference room, which offered some privacy, but other
employees could see them. Adele asked for a raise, delivering an ‘‘I
deserve a raise’’ talk about her increased responsibility and low salary
for several years. So far, so good. Well, maybe not. Iris freaked out,
going from listening mode to tirade in about ten seconds. Iris lost control
and shouted about people who are like family trying to take advantage
of her generosity, along with all the things she does for Adele . . . Iris
overreacted and vividly demonstrated how not to respond to a request.
Adele was crushed and later talked with others about quitting. Iris
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missed an opportunity to have a thoughtful discussion about salary. Her
impulse toward anger and overreaction was not to be denied.
A young manager, Forrest, was in trouble with the boss, his uncle, who
had appointed him a manager in the family business. ‘‘It sounds like the
problem is that you don’t stop and think,’’ I suggested after he told me
how he impulsively started projects and did not finish them. He claimed
that he did stop to think. It was just that the ideas felt so promising and
urgent—why not strike quickly? In a major case of overoptimism, each
business project looked great to his inner elephant at the beginning, but
he seldom finished the projects, and they failed to make money. He would
become bored, abandon them, and move onto something else. By slowing
down his impulse, he might get a clearer, more objective picture of costs
and benefits before undertaking a new business deal. His emotions were
too strongly identified with each new idea. Slowing down would provide
time for emotions to weaken, to think things through, and to consult with
others. Forrest was acting out of impulse rather than thoughtfulness.
•••
Speed is exciting. Speed is fun. Slow is boring. Waiting is boring.
Urgency is exciting. An adrenaline rush feels good. Your inner elephant
has a short attention span. Often it overreacts to issues to which it feels
sensitive, and often it wants to jump ahead to the next new thing that
looks more exciting than the current thing. Most managers work at a
hectic pace, make snap decisions, and love it. Rapid-fire problems and
solutions are the nature of management. This is well and good so long
as you hold back your unthinking impulses, particularly the negative
reactions that could do harm. For example, Mark Andreessen, the whiz
kid who started Netscape and ignited the dot-com blaze, tended to
overreact brutally to any implied criticism. ‘‘This is why I should not run
a company,’’ he said.1 Chapter Seven explored ways to calm down so
that your inner elephant can move forward on projects it wants to avoid.
Chapter Four described the opposite problem of reacting too quickly. This
chapter will consider strategies for how to put on the brake to prevent
your inner elephant from acting on impulse and in haste when your inner
executive’s slower thoughtfulness would yield a better response.
Stop and Think
In an interview with Fortune magazine, Michael Bloomberg said, ‘‘The
worst advice that people can take is to react before they’ve had a chance
to think. I think we all say things and wish we hadn’t said them. Ready,
slow down to stop your reactions
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shoot, aim is not the smartest policy.’’2 Speed is not good when it involves
blind reaction to a colleague, direct report, spouse, or child. Why not
provide an intelligent response that contains insight and wisdom? The
thoughtful response means using your brakes to stop your reaction for a
moment. Give yourself some time to think. Instant reactions, especially
when expressing anger or issuing a sarcastic putdown, nearly always
detract from your social effectiveness. Have you ever written an e-mail
and pushed the Send button when angry? If so, you know what I mean.
Many managers have to learn patience, learn to control their emotional
reactions. Richard Anderson, CEO of Delta Airlines, said, ‘‘I’ve learned
to be patient and not lose my temper. And the reason that’s important
is everything you do is an example, and people look at everything you
do and take a signal from everything you do. And when you lose your
temper, it really squelches debate and sends the wrong signal about
how you want your organization to run.’’3 Restraining yourself takes
some practice and honest self-appraisal. Dany Levy, founder and head
of DailyCandy.com, said that sometimes she doesn’t slow down enough
to walk someone through why she made a decision. She sees herself as
a fairly anxious person, and has learned that as a boss she cannot be
impulsive and irrational. ‘‘I’ve learned to sort of slow down, take a deep
breath.’’ Carol Bartz, CEO of Yahoo, said that to lead others she learned
to hold back. ‘‘I have a bad habit—you get half your question out and
I think I know the whole question, so I want to answer it. And so I
actually had to be trained to take a breath. . . . I have to shut up.’’4
Managers can learn to slow down, sometimes with a nudge from the
boss. Greg Brenneman, chairman of CCMP Capital, said ‘‘One thing
that I have very rigorously reacted to is absolutely no nasty e-mails
from executives back to employees or back to franchise owners. Or to
each other. If I intercept one of those, it’ll be a bad day.’’5 Brenneman
understands the negative impact of harsh words on people and the
culture. Everyone gets angry from time to time or feels the impulse to
say something hurtful, but good leaders do not verbalize those thoughts.
A manufacturing manager told me that slowing down his response during
intense times when lines are down was transformational for him. Instead
of reacting while overheated, he ‘‘walk[s] away’’ and cools down to
make sure he’s not offending people, who then refuse to cooperate. The
conscious effort to slow down before speaking has meant ‘‘fewer toes
stepped on and better responses to my suggestions.’’
During difficult times, the heart and body tense up. When revenues,
activity, and stock price are down, pressure for performance can be
enormous. Your mind may be racing faster than normal. Tightness
and pressure are associated with negative emotions, such as resentment,
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anger, jealousy, revenge, or contempt. For example, the founder of a
textile manufacturing company was so upset about the state of the world
and of his industry that he felt ‘‘angry nearly all the time. I’m lashing out
at my employees, vendors, and clients.’’ Here are some ideas for slowing
down your inner elephant to prevent overreaction.
❍ Count to ten. Remember what Grandma said: ‘‘If you’re angry, count
to ten before saying something.’’ Just slow down your reaction time. It
is often as simple as that. Wait for the emotional rush to pass before
speaking. Many managers use a mechanism of some sort to encourage
hesitation or delay before reacting.
❍ Remember the 8Ts. One business owner told me that he used the
‘‘8 Ts’’—take the time to think things through thoroughly—whenever
he was upset and reactive. I consider that good advice and have used it
myself.
STOP. A colleague of mine noticed a woman looking at her wrist
and could see something unusual on her watch. He asked her about
it, and she showed him the STOP on the watch face. The letters stood
for step back, think, organize your thoughts, and proceed. What a great
mechanism for training her elephant! Stopping for a moment before
reacting gave her time to see a bigger picture and consider other options
before responding.
❍
❍ Use autosuggestion. Chapter Five described how to change behavior
by repeating an autosuggestion phrase. You might slow yourself down by
repeating several times a day, ‘‘I am taking the time to think things
through thoroughly’’ or ‘‘I am slowing down to listen.’’ An insurance
company manager who rushed through his meetings slowed things down
by repeating to himself, ‘‘I am slowing down to engage.’’ He would write
the statement on his pad so that he could see it during that meeting and
would repeat it several times in his mind before the next meeting. I have
had students use such autosuggestions as ‘‘I am slowing down to love
others’’ to great effect. Others are ‘‘I am slowing down’’ or ‘‘I am waiting
until my impulses pass before deciding.’’
❍ Wait one minute. Another manager told me that he uses a one-minute
rule. He started it at home and now uses it at work. Whenever he felt
an urge to snack, he would look at his watch and wait one full minute
before heading to the kitchen. During that one minute, the craving would
peak and begin to decline. Just one minute was enough that sometimes
he would not have the snack at all. He said he was rarely reactive at
work, but if he did feel a sharp reaction to someone, he always waited
at least one minute to respond.
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❍ Wait for reaction 2. The regional sales manager of an auto supply
company told me that he taught himself always to wait for his second
reaction. He described to me his reaction 1 and reaction 2, especially
when he received bad news. His instant reaction (1) often did more harm
than good, so he learned to distrust it. He would not respond verbally
until a follow-up reaction came into his mind, which could appear a
minute, an hour, or a day later. He told people he would get back to
them. Reaction 2 was nearly always smarter than the first one. Sometimes
it would be the same. Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO of DreamWorks, loved
to speak first in meetings and voice criticism of what he didn’t like. After
receiving advice from a colleague that Katzenberg’s ‘‘different’’ did not
always mean better, Katzenberg slowed down to hear other people first,
and now self-edits with his equivalent of a five-second tape delay for his
negative reactions.6 The key in both of these cases is that the leader has
developed good awareness to see the immediate reaction in his head and
know not to express it—a great use of the inner executive.
Take three deep breaths. If you feel yourself filling up with emotional
reaction you don’t want, another good way to slow yourself down is to
take three conscious breaths. Focus on the air coming in and going out.
Breathe in and out more deeply than normal to bring your awareness
away from your impulse and into the present moment, which will pull
you into your inner executive, enabling you to think more clearly and
from a bigger picture. You can also visualize breathing in calmness and
breathing out your emotional tension. An EMBA student told me that she
was upset when her manager asked her to be responsible for a training
program. She took three deep breaths. As her emotions cleared, she could
see the bigger picture of why the boss had picked her. During a televised
golf match, a commentator mentioned that Tom Watson took four deep
breaths whenever he felt his emotions rising and pressuring him to rush
a shot. The breaths quieted his emotions and slowed his reaction. I
sometimes feel impatience to rush through and finish a project just to get
it done. I can finish quickly, but quality plummets. Deep breaths bring
me back to the present moment to stay immersed in what I am doing.
❍
❍ Write it down. Another way to get rid of an emotional impulse
is to write it down. Abraham Lincoln took a huge amount of unjust
criticism and handled it with patience, forbearance, and determination
uncommon to most people. He felt the distress deeply, but did not react
outwardly. If he did express his harsh sentiment, it was to get rid of his
negative feelings. As noted in another chapter, he would write a harsh
letter venting his anger, but then would not send it. Lincoln knew how to
manage his emotions.7 I have certainly typed a few memos and e-mails
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over the years that I did not send. After getting out all the ire, sending
the message no longer seemed urgent.
❍ Remember that this too will pass. There is a story from ancient India
wherein a retired warrior sought a way to remove his mental anxieties and
achieve peace of mind. He summoned his guru, Lord Krishna, to request
a solution. Krishna wrote a note that the man was to read whenever
affected by anxiety or strong emotion. The note read, ‘‘This will not last.’’
Today a more common variation is ‘‘This too will pass.’’ This is powerful
advice because emotions really are temporary, like the shifting currents
in a large river. In the moment, your emotions seem urgent, but that
urgency is an illusion. If you can wait a few moments, your emotions will
change. They always clear away. Your inner executive knows this, so you
can repeat something like ‘‘This will not last’’ to prevent your reacting
out of negative emotion. Slowing down allows you to be in charge of
your reactions rather than having the reactions be in charge of you.
Follow the twenty-four-hour rule. This is an extension of the previous
ideas, to be used when emotions are very strong and need time to clear.
My daughter, an assistant principal, uses this rule with teachers and
parents. If someone is upset, she schedules a meeting for the next day so
that strong emotions will have passed and the discussion will be rational.
If you are really upset, don’t speak to a subordinate or send an e-mail.
Your inner elephant is feeling pain and wants to blame someone. Avoid
the temptation. Cool off. You are caught in a protective animal-type
reaction. Action now will trigger upset in others. The things you do
or say will destroy peace, harmony, and the positive culture around
you. You might make something happen, but no one will feel good
about it. Moreover, outbreaks are contagious. You will reinforce anger,
resentment, or fear in others. They will pass it on. You may have heard
the story of the boss who bawled out his direct report, who went home
and fought with his wife, who spanked her child, who then kicked the
cat. You can do better. Waiting twenty-four hours won’t kill you.
❍
Observe your behavior. If you ever act impulsively or react too fast
or too strongly, an important step is to become conscious of what you are
doing. Once you see yourself doing something objectionable, awareness
has arrived. You have to see what you are doing before you can stop
it. Once you see it, you can begin to manage impulsive behavior. For
example, Ellis, an MBA student, liked to jump in and argue for his
own way. If someone suggested lunch at Satco, he would propose South
Street. If a friend argued for Satco because of a cheap beer, a deck full
of cute girls, and a sunny day, Ellis would respond that it might rain,
that one of their guests was tired and would not want to sit outside,
❍
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and that other friends would rather talk than look at girls. Ellis tried to
out-lawyer everybody over things big and small. He was a great guy in
other respects, although immature in always reacting to get his way. Then
suddenly he ‘‘saw it.’’ As he told me, after he won an argument about
where to eat, ‘‘I suddenly felt small. It was as if Mac was big enough to
avoid upsetting me in order to preserve a fun afternoon. I began to worry
how often I push back on trivial matters. I fear I do it way too often.’’
Ellis is now aware of his impulsive behavior, the first big step in holding
himself back.
Find your reaction pattern. What triggers your reactions? What type
of reactions do you have? Try this exercise to help you stop and think.
An excellent way to increase your awareness is to make a list of the
situations or triggers that set you off in some way. Start the list right now
and add things that you think of over the next two days. Check the list
each evening and add to it until you feel that it’s fairly complete. Then
take one item from the list and visualize that event occurring. Feel the
reaction within you, and just be with it. Watch it weaken and drift away.
Take the next item on the list and do the same. As you get comfortable
sensing the emotion, your awareness expands, and you are less likely to
act on the impulse when the trigger event occurs. By rehearsing mentally
before the event happens, you will be able to stop and think to bring
your reaction under your control.
❍
Remember This
Ways to Stop and Think
Rather than react too quickly, consider using one of the following
ways to stop and think.
•
Count to ten.
•
Think the 8 Ts: take the time to think things through
thoroughly.
•
STOP: step back, think, organize your thoughts, proceed.
•
Use autosuggestion—for example, ‘‘I am slowing down.’’
•
Wait one minute.
•
Wait for reaction 2.
•
Take three deep breaths.
•
Write down your distress.
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•
Think and say, ‘‘This too will pass.’’
•
Obey the twenty-four-hour rule.
•
Observe your impulsive behavior.
•
Find your impulse pattern:
1. Make a list of reactions.
2. Identify the triggers.
3. Imagine a triggering event and visualize letting go of your
impulse.
Stop Interrupting
A seemingly small but annoying habit of many managers is to interrupt
when someone is speaking. It seems as though they want to speed up the
conversation or rush to make their important point. Interruptions can be
annoying and disrespectful. They are the opposite of executive presence.
Interrupting is a symptom of a deeper issue. It reflects a focus on self
rather than on another person. What happens when a child gets excited?
He or she wants to tell someone about it. The same thing happens with
the inner elephant. If we become excited, upset, or emotional, the inner
elephant wants to talk and be heard. It wants to dump out its feelings.
It wants its point of view to be known. The underlying desire to have
one’s own view dominate creates a problem, of course. Interruptions
usually mean a lack of presence in the moment, and the interrupter is
not hearing the other person. The interrupting manager is imposing his
impulsiveness on others. If you are guilty, the solution is to slow yourself
down. Remember this rule: do not interrupt. If you do interrupt others,
❍
Pull yourself together and be patient.
❍
Act like a leader.
❍
Use executive presence.
❍
Don’t be a reactive child.
Your inner executive can help you apply the brake to slow down your
reactions.
Here is an exercise I use to help managers stop the habit of interrupting.
It starts with a Zen story.
The Zen master instructed a student to bring him some tea. The
student dutifully went to the kitchen and prepared the tea. Soon
the student returned with a teapot and saucer on a tray. The master
picked up the teapot and poured tea into the cup. Soon the cup was
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full, but the master kept pouring. The tea spilled onto the saucer, then
onto the tray, and then onto the floor. ‘‘Master, Master, what are you
doing? You’re spilling the tea.’’ The master responded, ‘‘Yes, so I am.
What is the lesson?’’ The confused student stammered that he did not
know. ‘‘Okay, then. Return the tea to the kitchen and clean up this
mess. Then I will give you the lesson.’’ The student returned and sat
cross-legged before the master. Soon the master provided his lesson:
‘‘a full cup will hold no more tea.’’
Most managers are not sure what this story means, so here is my
explanation. Your inner elephant wants to talk and tell, tell and talk. It
is like the excited child who wants to be heard. It wants its point to be
heard. It wants to pour tea. But the other person’s cup is already full.
The person with whom you are talking is filled with beliefs, opinions,
skepticism, worry, fear, defensiveness, and things to do, along with
distrust and distraction. And your interruptions are not helping. If you
really want that person to hear what you have to say, shut up! Let that
person ‘‘empty her cup’’ before you speak. Put the brake on your inner
elephant. Once the person empties on the topic without interruption,
there is space for her to hear what you have to say. Indeed, she will want
to hear what you think. So to be heard, stop interrupting.
Your assignment as leader is to listen until the other person empties.
You are much more likely to be heard and effect a change in his behavior
if you slow down and allow him to empty his cup. If you interrupt, argue,
want to be right, and want to have your way, the other person can’t hear
you because his cup is not empty. It is more important for you to shut
up and listen. To slow down, it would help to mentally rehearse letting
the other person empty her cup before the conversation. Or you can
repeat ‘‘I will empty her cup’’ or ‘‘I am staying quiet’’ beforehand to get
your mind right. By slowing down, not interrupting, and letting the other
person’s cup empty, he will want to hear you. During the conversation,
use whatever techniques you can to engage the other person in speaking,
such as asking questions. A manager from Dell told me that he was
taught to begin conversations with ‘‘Help me understand . . .’’ to induce
the other person to speak first. Otherwise, his own inner elephant might
empty first in the conversation.
A specific exercise I use with students and managers is to undertake
three conversations in a row during which they deliberately empty the
other person’s cup without interrupting. After three conversations, you
will definitely have the hang of it. After six conversations, you will be a
master and use this technique much of the time. You will probably still
interrupt others when you are agitated, excited, or upset about the topic.
With practice, you will get to perfection, which is to never interrupt.
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A manager at a health care company said, ‘‘I introduced a personal
topic with one of my direct reports. I listened as he talked somewhat at
length about his challenges at work, along with family and evening classes.
There were several instances when my inner elephant was prompting me
to interrupt and interject my experiences, but my executive helped me to
hold back my comments until he finished. I thought the conversation
was very successful, partly because it felt good, and partly because he
really heard my suggestions.’’ An MBA student noticed that he frequently
interrupted his wife. He resolved to do better one night when she was
‘‘venting’’ about a bad day. I warned in class that an upset spouse was not
an ideal person on whom to practice, but he tried it anyway.
I interrupted and disagreed with her, which escalated into a
fight. I waited until morning and decided to try this experiment again.
I tried to empty her cup without interrupting by asking, ‘‘What did I
do last night to make you angry?’’ When she spoke, I started to get
defensive and things escalated. I figuratively put my hands around
my throat to stop my elephant. I stayed quiet no matter how much
she ripped into me. After she finished, I just apologized (using my
executive to simply let go of the insults hurled at me). It was hard but
I finally did it, and she was no longer angry.
A giant advantage of emptying someone’s cup is that it acknowledges
that you simply can’t know what another person is thinking. If you
assume you do know, that will close your mind. An IT executive from an
equipment company told me the following story:
One of my managers came in to question me about a project assignment. This guy is more creative techie than manager. I get pretty
frustrated because he meanders, and I typically cut him off. I started
to roll my eyes and repeat my previous instructions about what to
do, when I remembered this assignment. So I asked a question and
gave him time to empty his cup. His point finally got through to me.
He had found a much better way to organize the project to resolve
technical issues. I had been too rushed to hear it. Your assignment
saved us time and money.
Another manager loved talking about work, politics, and football. On
these subjects, he immediately jumped in wanting his views to prevail,
so emptying people’s cups was really hard for him. Because it was an
assignment, he decided to open the conversation by asking a question
first. To his surprise,
I was able to hear several insights on each subject that I might
otherwise have missed. By letting the other person empty his cup,
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I believe he was more receptive to my thoughts. Afterward, I realized
that most of my conversations are just a competition in which everyone
is trying to make a point. My strategy has been to strike first to gain
advantage. The conversation was richer when I slowed down and first
drew other people out.
Listening adds more value than interrupting, and, equally important,
a delayed response will project an image of you as more thoughtful and
wise. The second response that comes into your mind a few minutes
or seconds after your first reaction is typically better. To respond with
wisdom, wait and hear your own deeper thoughts from your inner
executive rather than react on impulse. The deeper thoughts form while
you are listening. Initial reactions often arise from a fight-or-flight instinct.
Let that instinct pass. Practice staying calm and collected, and respond
out of a calm and rational presence. The thoughtful response is nearly
always a better answer. And even if it’s not better, nothing is lost by
listening and waiting a few minutes. At the very least, no damage will be
done by holding back the impulse.
Remember This
Stop Interrupting
To be heard, shut up.
1. First, empty the person’s cup.
2. Don’t interrupt.
3. Speak only after the other is empty. You will then be heard.
And you will hear.
Detach from Your Emotions and Impulses
People often believe that medical decisions in the emergency room are
made instantly, but according to Jerome Groopman, in How Doctors
Think, that is a ‘‘misperception.’’ To think clearly in hectic circumstances,
doctors slow things down to avoid impulses and mental errors. A skilled
emergency room physician works with ‘‘studied calm,’’ by slowing his
thinking and actions so as not to be distracted by the chaotic atmosphere.8
Being quick and shooting from the hip earn no points and are indications
of less skill and maturity in the emergency room.
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Danny Meyer learned how to manage people from a consultant,
Pat Cetta. Danny was in a state of anger and upset, bemoaning to Pat
the fact that his waiters and managers at Union Square Café were not
getting his message. They seemed always to test and push him to the
limit, driving Danny crazy. Pat insisted that getting upset was not
the answer, and was more likely part of the problem. Pat told Danny to
put a saltshaker in the middle of a bare table, exactly where he wanted
it. Then Pat pushed the salt shaker a few inches off-center. ‘‘Now put
it back were you want it,’’ he said. Then Pat moved it off-center again,
and Danny slid it back. They repeated the cycle a few times. ‘‘People are
always moving your saltshaker off-center. That is the job of life. Until
you understand that, you’re going to get pissed off every time someone
moves the saltshaker off-center. It is not your job to get upset. You just
need to understand: that’s what they do.’’9 Pat was teaching Danny to
detach from his emotional reactions. Danny’s job was to patiently move
the shaker back each time and explain why it needs to be in the center.
Danny’s mind needs to be above the emotional give-and-take, seeing
what is happening, and teaching and coaching people toward correct
behavior. Getting upset helps not at all. The leader’s job is to not be
upset or arguing with people. Stay above petty reactions and provide
appropriate correction. That is the saltshaker theory.
•••
How do you learn to detach from impulses? An exercise I often assign
to people is Be Bored. It is very simple: sit in a chair for thirty minutes and
don’t get up. If thirty minutes scares you, try a slightly shorter time, such
as twenty minutes. You don’t have to meditate or concentrate on anything
in particular. Shut off any outside distractions, such as the TV; close your
eyes; and just feel the next impulse that arises. Spend the thirty minutes
feeling impulses and letting them pass to know what nonreaction feels
like. For busy people, many impulses come up in a short time. Seeing and
feeling the impulses without acting will strengthen your inner executive’s
control over them. One manager reported, ‘‘My first attempt at sitting
for thirty minutes left me anxious and unfocused. I could not help but
think about the things that my elephant thought I should be doing. On
my next few attempts I got better at letting go of my impulses. Now I
use this technique at work each day. Letting go of the impulses seems to
weaken my elephant. And it is amazing how it leaves me refreshed, in
control, and ready to go.’’
Another manager told me of her experience: ‘‘The first wave of impulses
made me want to scribble notes of the things I was not getting done and
things I needed to do. As these impulses boiled up, I focused on letting
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them go. As I renewed my commitment to not responding, the impulses
slowed and ultimately stopped. I found the exercise to be relaxing and
energizing. Training my elephant by empowering my executive has paid
tremendous dividends in my self-control. I come back to this whenever
my elephant becomes unruly.’’
If you can master the Be Bored exercise, you can gain control of your
impulses by not reacting to them. Learn to see your impulses and just let
them go.
Remember This
Detach from Emotions and Impulses
•
Stay above the fray, not in it.
•
Detach from inner impulses as a way to slow your reactions.
•
Be bored.
1. Sit for thirty minutes with your eyes closed and with no
distractions.
2. Let your impulses arise and pass.
3. Do not get up or take action.
4. Your impulses will weaken, and your inner executive will
strengthen.
•
Detach and just ‘‘act’’ emotional for positive impact.
What about having an emotional reaction, such as anger, just to
get someone’s attention? I often have managers argue that sometimes
displaying anger seems the right thing to do. What if someone needs
a fire lighted under him if he is to realize his potential? I agree that
there are times when strong emotion seems like the correct response.
So my answer is this: be an actor. Don’t express rage when you are
really angry. Don’t chop someone’s head off when you are upset. Let
it pass. Then you can psych yourself up to pretend to be angry, while
staying under control. That is the key to expressing emotion: be in
control of the emotion. Be in your executive and not your inner elephant.
Acting is a good leadership quality to develop. This is similar to the
‘‘acting the part’’ exercise in Chapter Seven. Acting as if you were upset
keeps the inner executive in charge; your executive is selecting a wise
action for a distinct purpose. In contrast, your inner elephant won’t
stop to think. It will express anger on impulse, and reap the negative
consequences.
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Just Say No
Dorothy and I were with a group of people at a friend’s house for a
Thanksgiving Day dinner. A couple of guests commented that I looked
trim, which I appreciated because I had lost seventeen pounds. In the
course of the conversation, I asked whether anyone ever felt food cravings.
Nearly everyone admitted yes. I asked whether anyone ever took just
a small amount of the desired food, hoping that this would satisfy the
craving, and then couldn’t stop eating. To my surprise, several stories
unfolded. One person had tried to eat a single cookie and ended up eating
the entire sleeve of cookies. A woman said she loved to bake bread, and
if she ate a single slice, she would end up consuming half a loaf. A man
said he ate one snack cracker he craved, then consumed the whole box.
He also said that one time he drove to the store to buy a box of those
crackers because the craving was so strong. He ate one, then half those in
the box, while sitting in his car. The common theme in these stories
was that taking a small amount of something did not help control the
urge. Indeed, the inner elephant’s cravings got stronger with a single bite,
resistance collapsed, and the person stuffed himself or herself, not exactly
what the person had in mind.
Sometimes you can change your inner elephant’s behavior by saying
‘‘No!’’ and meaning it. In other words, deny the inner elephant’s impulse
completely. Don’t give it a single bite. There should be no quarter given,
no effort to appease the inner elephant with a small amount or with any
aspect of the unwanted behavior. This means to stop cold turkey. Lock
your brakes. Not giving in to your elephant for short periods reduces its
strength and hold over you.
The reason for my conversation at Thanksgiving dinner was that a
few months prior I had explored the concept of intermittent fasting.
I had gained some weight. I had heard people talk about fasting, and
thought maybe it would work for me. I read a couple of books and
was intrigued by the idea of simply not eating for a day or two as
a way to gain control of my inner elephant’s indulgent eating habits.
Although the books described fasting as a way to purify the body,
it seemed to me like a way to strengthen my inner executive’s intentional behavior. People can quite easily live on water or juice for up
to three weeks, so could anything bad happen by fasting only a day
or two? Intermittently fasting for short periods supposedly has benefits similar to calorie restriction diets. I became very clear about my
intention, deciding to go without food the next Saturday. That would
be a thirty-six-hour fast, from dinner on Friday until breakfast on
Sunday.
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On Saturday morning, my inner executive was prepared to deny
all food, no matter how much my inner elephant protested or how
hungry I felt. I drank a lot of seltzer water that day. I became aware
of hunger sensations in the early afternoon, the first time I had felt
physical hunger in a long time. I realized that normally I eat out of habit
rather than hunger. I just sat with the hunger feeling, ‘‘watched’’ it, but
felt no need to satisfy it. Before long, the hunger feelings went away.
My inner executive felt in charge. Moreover, I decided to do aerobic
exercise for thirty minutes. My inner elephant seemed to be surrendering
on matters it normally resisted. The day of fasting was pretty uneventful,
except that when I thought of something I should be doing, such as a
household task I disliked, I did it readily. The power balance between my
inner executive and inner elephant seemed to have shifted a bit in favor
of my inner executive.
Sunday morning I weighed myself and was down four pounds. (Of
course I can’t lose four pounds in one day by not eating, any more than
I can gain four pounds in one day by overeating. I assume that the weight
reduction was from the temporary loss of salt and water.) The interesting
part of the fast happened over the next six days. I was much more
conscious of what I was eating. My old eating habits seemed weaker.
My food choices came from my rational executive more than from my
impulsive inner elephant. I felt stronger and more in control of my eating.
I found it easy to skip a meal. I was not ‘‘afraid’’ of being hungry. I tended
to eat when I felt hunger in my gut rather than when my inner elephant
felt an impulse to eat. By the end of the first week, I was down two
pounds, which felt about right. I continued the Saturday fasting for
about three months until I reached my desired weight. The value of the
intermittent fast continued to be less in the Saturday fast and more in
the daily control it gave my inner executive over my food intake. Over the
several months after I stopped fasting, I regained a couple pounds, but
that was all. I have felt more inner executive control over my eating ever
since. If I detect a slight gain, my inner executive can again take charge
by fasting on a Saturday.
Mike Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers headquartered here
in Nashville, is one of the most intentional leaders I know. He has the
capacity to think things through and then choose a behavior that will
have positive impact, even if the behavior is not part of his habit pattern.
He told my class that he had decided to go on a media fast for sixty
days. Wow! That seemed like a challenge to me. Mike’s reasoning was
compelling. His job was to think about the future. He couldn’t keep his
eye (or mind) on the future when constantly checking current events. If
something was really important to his business, he would learn about it.
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Indeed, as it turned out, the people around him would quickly tell him
anything important. By going cold turkey and shutting off his exposure
to media for two months, his mind was free. His mind got a vacation to
rest and refocus. He felt less reactive. The temporary fast provided time
to look forward.
The point is that there are times to completely deny your inner
elephant’s impulses, if only temporarily, to gain control over them.
You may have noticed that intermediate fasting is similar to the Be
Bored exercise. Gradual change sometimes is not the best option. If
you habitually interrupt people, for example, then you could let people
‘‘empty their cup’’ in every single conversation for an entire day to gain
control of that impulse. Lock your brake on dysfunctional impulses.
Make denial your single focus. As your inner executive gains strength,
you can relax into spontaneous interchanges and will not interrupt so
much. If you have a habit of making sarcastic or destructive comments
that you want to stop, or if you are constantly judging things and making
negative comments or always wanting to have the last word, why not
stop cold turkey for a day to strengthen your inner executive’s control?
You will become a better leader for doing so. If denying something to
your inner elephant completely for a short time resonates as an option
for you, I encourage you to try it. It worked for me.
Remember This
Just Say No
•
Sometimes it is most effective to completely renounce an undesired behavior.
•
Eliminate the behavior for a defined time period, and repeat
the practice to keep impulses weak.
•
Enjoy a stronger inner executive.
Employ Punishment
Marshall Goldsmith told a story about how he stopped himself from
making impulsive destructive comments. His problem was that he made
nasty comments about people when they were not in the room. This was
a problem for him as a manager because it completely opposed his
espoused value of teamwork. So he admitted to his staff that he wanted
to quit making destructive comments. ‘‘If you ever hear me make another
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destructive comment about another person, I will pay you $10 each time
you bring it to my attention.’’10 Goldsmith really wanted to break that
habit.
Goldsmith’s staff was happy to help. They would mention names of
people who would bring up his bile, and he took the hook each time. By
noon he was down $50. The next day, his nasty comments cost $30. The
third day, $10. His policy stayed in effect for several weeks, and it cost
him money. The result? For his next 360◦ feedback about his behavior,
he moved from the 8th percentile on ‘‘avoids destructive comments’’ up
to the 96th percentile. He doesn’t make destructive comments anymore.
Immediate punishment (being dinged for $10) works great in the right
circumstance. A few years ago I, along with many other drivers, would
take a side road to avoid the backup at the stoplight for the exit of a
popular shopping area. There was a clear No Left Turn sign that everyone
ignored. One day, feeling pleased at circumventing the traffic at the light,
I made the illegal left turn from the side road. After driving two blocks,
a policeman waved me into a vacant filling station. About twenty cars
were waiting to get tickets. There was no escape. The ticket was $100.
Now I remember that ticket each time I leave the shopping center, as
I wait patiently at the traffic light. The punishment left a mark on my
memory. Other drivers must have learned the same lesson. Very few cars
now make that illegal left turn.
Everyone knows the power of positive incentives for reinforcing good
behavior. Ho hum. You can read about the power of rewards anywhere.
The point here is that it can be just as important to use mild punishment
that your inner elephant does not like. This inhibits bad behavior rather
than rewarding good behavior. It attacks the impulsive behavior directly,
which Goldsmith did so successfully. There is also something powerful
about feeling a sting after bad behavior occurs. Like the traffic ticket, a
financial penalty may provide that sting. Research shows that the pain
of losing $1 is several times greater than the good feeling associated with
receiving $1. Why not take advantage of the principle that the pain of
loss is an effective inhibitor of your bad behavior?
Another way to use punishment is to collaborate with a partner to
provide a financial incentive for your inner elephant. For example, if
you are trying to go on a diet or exercise regularly, you might make a
bet with a friend for $500, of which you lose $20 every day you fail
to diet, exercise, or both. This will provide a negative incentive to give
up your old habits. If you miss your target completely, or if your friend
does better than you, your friend could keep the $500 or donate it to a
charity, perhaps one you don’t want to support. That would double the
pain, providing even more incentive to stop indulging yourself. Or you
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can try the Web site stickk.com, mentioned in Chapter Six, to arrange a
financial disincentive if you fail to achieve your goal of holding back.
If a punishment makes unpalatable some bad habit that you want to
stop doing, this approach may provide some benefit. One ingenious idea
is to use mental imagery to create punishment by association. Consider
Raul’s solution to a food craving:
At night, after the kids were asleep, I would walk into the kitchen and
find something full of chocolate and sugar. I wasn’t hungry but could
not shake the craving. Standing there I would repeat in my mind that
I was not hungry and didn’t need to eat anything. That helped, but
often I would have something anyway. What really worked was to
imagine that I could smell fish and could even taste raw, spoiled fish in
my mouth. It made me feel like I wanted to throw up. When I mentally
mixed the fish thoughts with the chocolate craving, the craving went
away. I then switched to happy thoughts of how good I felt during
a happy time in my life. This was a reward for not snacking. These
thoughts helped me overcome food cravings.
Raul was using a technique of pairing an aversive mental stimulus with
a craving in order to weaken the craving, making it easy to control the
impulse. You can plan and practice a mental scenario in advance.11 To see
how it works, right now think of a food you crave. As you feel that desire,
visualize the food in the most disgusting form imaginable to you—such
as covered with worms or maggots or rubbed into a dirty ashtray or
spittoon. Then visualize tasting and swallowing this disgusting mess.
Remember, visualization sends the same signals to your inner elephant
and body that actual behaviors do. You might try this for any obnoxious
behavior that offends other people. It is cheaper than paying $10 a pop.
Just think of your bad behavior along with a noxious image, and watch
your impulse shrivel. With intention and some mental effort, you can
create aversive stimuli to hold back your reaction in a work or family
situation. A visual stimulus can be almost as strong as the real thing, and
makes it much easier to slow down and stop the unwanted behavior.
Remember This
Employ Punishment
•
Identify an undesired behavior.
•
Select a penalty for each display of the unwanted behavior.
•
Engage others in the process of assessing penalties.
Another option:
•
Visualize an aversive mental stimulus.
•
Summon the visualization when an impulse arises.
•
Watch the impulse disappear.
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PART FOUR
•
Become Aware
of Your Inner
Resources
•
9
•
Get to Know Your
Inner Elephant
Resolve to be thyself; and know that he who finds himself,
loses his misery.
—Matthew Arnold
It is wisdom to know others. It is enlightenment to know
one’s self.
—Lao-Tzu
john bearden sold his real estate business in Canada and came
back to Nashville to reflect. He observed that he often got to the finish
line ‘‘dragging people with him.’’ He recalled when a consultant told him,
‘‘John, you have so much potential, but you’re running over everybody
. . . you turn people off.’’ Bearden decided that now was the time to learn
what made him tick.
Before restarting his career, Bearden hired a personal coach. He completed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator questionnaire that revealed his
‘‘field marshal’’ (ENTJ) leadership style. Field marshals have essential leadership qualities of vision, drive, and decisiveness. However, the
downside is their tendency to be hasty, insensitive, and overbearing. With
these new insights, Bearden accepted an offer to become chief executive
147
148
of GMAC Home Services. His increased self-awareness enabled him to
be less overbearing and to spend more time considering hard data and
listening more carefully to colleagues’ opinions. At a presentation by his
most senior executives, rather than interject his own opinion early to bias
the outcome toward what he wanted, he allowed other positions to be
articulated and discussed with creative tension. Just sitting and absorbing
was a satisfying outcome.1
Let’s face it: your elephant has been running your life. For better
or worse, everyone is on automatic pilot more than they realize. It
makes sense to get to know your inner elephant. Systematic self-inquiry
enabled Bearden to discover the patterns and preferences of his inner
elephant, key parts of which he had been unaware. Now he could
take advantage of his strengths and change his weaknesses. He saw
his inner elephant clearly—both good and bad. Inner elephants have
many negatives, but their behavior patterns can also reveal strengths.
This is important because if you are frequently fighting with yourself to
do things differently, you may be in the wrong business. It may make
sense to find another situation that aligns better with your elephant’s
automatic behaviors. It may also make sense to discover the weaknesses
you don’t see—your blind spots—so you can know and fix them. With
specific knowledge, Bearden redirected his inner elephant away from an
overbearing attitude to develop his patience and facilitation skills. Your
inner elephant no doubt has many parts of which you are unaware. So
an important step for improving yourself is getting to know the positives
and negatives of your own inner elephant.
Know Yourself
Have you ever tried to ‘‘groove’’ a stroke in tennis or golf, or put in your
‘‘repetitions’’ to get a sport movement correct? Tim Gallwey suggested a
groove theory of habits in The Inner Game of Tennis.2 Each time you act
(swing) a certain way, you increase the probability that you will act that
way again. Patterns or grooves build up and become more likely to repeat
themselves. It is as if each action deepens the groove on a record disk,
which is analogous to the nervous system of the body. After repeated
similar actions, the needle falls into the groove automatically—your new
behavior occurs automatically. Your inner elephant’s lifestyle, tendencies,
preferences, and mental patterns are all grooved. And you have more and
deeper grooves than you think.
Before you can start to change yourself, one job of your inner executive
is to understand your extant grooves so that you can put yourself
in a situation that uses your automatic grooves, your natural potential.
Self-assessment is an important part of self-management.3 There is a lot to
get to know your inner elephant
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be said for learning your habits and talents, as well as your shortcomings,
and putting yourself in situations where you can work smoothly and
automatically. Why spend time fighting your inner elephant’s grooves
and patterns unnecessarily? Understand and put yourself in the place
to do well. A survey of seventy-five members of the Stanford Graduate
School of Business’s advisory council revealed the nearly unanimous
answer to a question about the most important capability for leaders
to develop—self-awareness.4 Self-awareness of your inner elephant is
achieved by recognizing your needs, traits, patterns, and preferences,
much as John Bearden did in his consultation with an executive coach.
Then put yourself in a position to employ your automatic behaviors and
enjoy a life of fewer struggles and more enjoyment. Find and go with
the flow of what your inner elephant does well. If you are a natural at
counseling people and dislike math, you are not taking advantage of your
grooves by pursuing work as a financial analyst.
Each year, Warren Buffet, the legendary investor, hosts about 160 business students from many universities worldwide. He answers whatever
questions the students ask, one of which is typically about how to know
what career to pursue. How did the great man know that investing was the
right work for him? Buffet answers in two parts. First, he says his natural
‘‘wiring’’ was made for capital allocation. If he had been born in a country such as Sudan or Cambodia, without abundant private capital and a
system of capital allocation, he would never have gotten to use his natural
talents. Nor would he have succeeded in a different era when there was no
capitalism. Buffet is very clear in recommending that people need to do
what fits their natural mental makeup. How did he know that his wiring fit
investing? Buffet says the key was his love for it. He tried other work that
was unsatisfying such that he would not do it for any amount of money.
Investing, however, was so much fun that, paradoxically, he would do it
for free. That was the vital rule for Buffet: find a work situation that you
really like and enjoy, and it will fit the pattern of your mental wiring.
One problem, as described in Chapter Three, is that many people are
in denial, especially about themselves. Leaders often have an inflated
or distorted view of themselves that is propped up by the magician,
attorney, or judge within. A good first step is to use questionnaire-type
instruments to gain self-insight. John Bearden used the Myers-Briggs
Type Indicator. Other popular and effective questionnaires are the
Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument and the DISC profile. There
are instruments for optimism and pessimism and for self-confidence.
They all work, and I recommend them. I typically ask my MBA students
to start their self-inquiry by completing the VIA Signature Strengths
questionnaire at Martin Seligman’s Web site, Authentic Happiness
(www.authentichappiness.org), or by completing the questionnaire at
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the StrengthsFinder 2.0 Web site. The Signature Strengths questionnaire
is free; the StrengthsFinder questionnaire requires a code obtained with
the purchase of one of the books based on Gallup research (for example,
Now, Discover Your Strengths, StrengthsFinder 2.0, or Strengths-Based
Leadership).
In 1998, Martin Seligman founded positive psychology. Much of the
recent explosion of interest in college classrooms and in the popular press
on the importance of strengths began with his work. Positive psychology
represented a significant shift from psychology’s historic focus on negative
aspects, weaknesses, and the dark side of the human psyche. As a place to
start, Seligman joined with Chris Peterson of the University of Michigan
to map out a list of human strengths and virtues. They surveyed every list
they could find (major religions, the Boy Scout Oath, and so on) to see
which strengths were common across lists. They boiled it all down to six
higher-level virtues that embodied twenty-four personal strengths.5
❍
Strengths of wisdom and
knowledge
13. Fairness
14. Leadership
2. Curiosity
15. Teamwork
❍
Strengths of temperance
4. Open-mindedness
16. Forgiveness/mercy
5. Perspective
17. Modesty/humility
Strengths of courage
18. Prudence
6. Authenticity
7. Bravery
8. Persistence
9. Zest
❍
Strengths of justice
1. Creativity
3. Love of learning
❍
❍
19. Self-regulation
❍
Strengths of transcendence
20. Appreciation of beauty
and excellence
Strengths of humanity
21. Gratitude
10. Kindness
22. Hope
11. Love
23. Humor
12. Social intelligence
24. Religiousness/spirituality
What, exactly, does one of these strengths feel like, if you happen to
have it? The criteria for a signature strength, such as creativity or persistence, would typically include
A sense of ownership of the strength (‘‘This is the real me’’)
A feeling of excitement while displaying or using it
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A rapid learning curve when using it
A yearning to use it
Invigoration rather than exhaustion when using it
A feeling of motivation to use the strength6
Data have been gathered about these signature strengths from people
around the world. The rankings of strengths from nation to nation are
very similar from Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe. Which strengths do you think
would rank highest and lowest across all the countries? Kindness and
fairness rate highest, and self-regulation ranks lowest. Yes, self-regulation
ranks lowest all over the world. I was surprised and relieved when I saw
that statistic, because it means I’m not the only one who has trouble
controlling my inner elephant.
Another exercise I have used successfully with MBA students is to
find their high-performance pattern. This is based on the work of Jerry
Fletcher.7 Rather than start with a predefined list of strengths, you analyze
your past high-performance experiences to see what worked. Think back
over your personal history for experiences when you performed extremely
well, when you felt in the flow and especially successful in your activity.
This could have been a high-performance job assignment, such as a special
project or other work activity. High-performance experiences also occur
in the arenas of relationships, volunteer work, recreation, family events,
and crises. The experiences should be important to you, but need not be
seen as extraordinary by the world at large. Try to identify a handful of
experiences and then narrow them down to two or three that reflect you
at your best. Think about each experience as a sequence of stages, with a
beginning, middle, and end. How did you learn about it? get drawn in?
get rolling? bring other people in? keep it going? How did you handle
ups and downs? bring it to a conclusion?
Write the stories out in detail and then analyze them to see which
actions or processes were common denominators of your success. You
may find that when you perform best, there is a distinct unfolding of
events that includes ten or more steps. Show your pattern to people who
know you and ask for feedback. Because everyone has blind spots, a good
idea is to have someone else analyze the stories and say what themes
he or she sees. This process can produce major insights and show you
how to put yourself in positions to perform at your very best. You can
seek those opportunities in which your inner elephant performs naturally
and well. For example, one person discovered, ‘‘My high performance
pattern is about unblocking complex organizational processes that are
creeping along and causing gridlock, by obtaining up-front authority,
gaining the trust and cooperation of those involved, and putting in place
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a new process that is much better.’’8 Now she knows the projects and
work assignments in which she can be a star without changing herself.
One neat thing about understanding strengths is the philosophy behind
it: concentrate on your strengths, not your weaknesses. You excel in life
by maximizing your strengths, not by fixing your weaknesses. When you
live and work from your strengths, you are more motivated, competent,
and satisfied. The judge aspect of your inner elephant is superb at
finding your faults and weaknesses, and it ignores the good things,
such as your strengths. People can enumerate their weaknesses much
more quickly than their strengths. You may have to think carefully and
intentionally to identify your strengths, or use one of the previously
mentioned instruments or exercises. Information on your strengths opens
an important horizon for your inner executive. You can put yourself in
the place of greatest potential for your strengths.
Once you are clear about your strengths, it is fun to develop and
refine them. Use periods of practice to improve yourself and find ways
to deepen a groove for your strength rather than struggle to overcome a
weakness. If curiosity is one of your strengths, for example, enhance it by
attending a lecture you want to hear on a topic about which you know
little, or enjoy a restaurant featuring an unfamiliar cuisine. Take time to
discover a new place in your locale and study its history. If leadership
is a strength, organize a social get-together for your friends, step up
and take personal responsibility when something goes wrong, complete
an unpleasant task that others are avoiding, or make a newcomer feel
welcome.9 These activities will be relatively easy and enjoyable for you,
and will deepen the groove that makes you excellent.
Strengths are fun, but you should not ignore your weaknesses. The
theory of constraints is very clear that the weakest link in any system limits
performance, and correcting the weakest link will have a big payback.10
Jack Welch told a Harvard class how some managers were afraid to roll
the dice and take a chance, and others rolled the dice way too easily.
Both types faced limited leadership opportunities unless they fix their
‘‘constraint.’’ John Beardon received huge benefit from removing the
dominating style that turned people off. You can overcome weaknesses
too, by using the practices in this book and putting yourself in situations
that help overcome your weaknesses. For example, psychologist Timothy
Wilson told of how he took baby steps toward becoming more extroverted
by making more of an effort to chat with people he did not know at
social get-togethers.11 When I dropped out of college for a year and tried
to sell life insurance, I found that I was not suited to that job and did not
do well, but the expectations helped me become much more outgoing.
Selecting situations to develop aspects of yourself can have a big impact.
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But before focusing on fixes, there are other ways to spot weak links that
may restrict your effectiveness.
Remember This
Know Yourself
•
Warren Buffet believes that you will be good at what you love
to do.
•
Learn about your extant grooves and strengths via the Authentic Happiness or StrengthsFinder Web sites. A signature
strength is one you are excited to use and are invigorated by.
•
Your high-performance pattern is a factual indicator of your
strengths.
•
Organize your life around your strengths more than your
weaknesses.
•
Identify and correct weaknesses that limit your performance.
Solicit Feedback
When then-CEO Kevin Rollins was upset with Dell’s management culture, he asked every Dell manager to submit to periodic evaluations by
underlings and other people with whom they worked. Thanks to this
process, Rollins learned about himself. One senior vice president proclaimed that Rollins was ‘‘aloof, a poor listener, and a leader who at
times could seem unapproachable.’’ Another senior VP said that Rollings
could be argumentative, maybe even bullheaded. Rollins endured the
sting of people telling him that ‘‘He could be so supercilious and icy
cold that his personality should be stored in a meat locker.’’ He was
facing reality when he said, ‘‘I could give the cold, calculating answer,
but I really wanted to be a more inspirational leader.’’ He saw that he
was too much like Alexander Hamilton— efficient but short on people
skills—and aspired to be more of a motivator like George Washington.12
You are two people who are quite different—the one you think
you are and the one other people think you are. To ‘‘know thyself’’
is a lofty ambition of the inner executive that may strike fear in the
heart of your inner elephant. Your inner executive gets stronger as you
increase your awareness of the way you come across to others. Increased
awareness can break through illusions held by the inner elephant. Direct
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feedback from others is a great step toward reality by integrating what
you perceive with what others perceive about your patterns, style, and
behavior. If your organization has a 360◦ feedback system, that is a good
start. You’ll get feedback from peers, direct reports, and your boss.
I think that helping students or managers get 360◦ feedback is the
most anticipated and most feared activity that I do. It is anticipated
because managers are intensely curious about how they come across to
others. It is also feared, because inner elephants do not want to hear
unpleasant truths. As discussed in Chapter Three, the inner elephant
often sees what it wants to see, or needs to see, to maintain its self-image.
It may unconsciously twist data to support its viewpoint. Our internal
judge may jump to exaggerated negative conclusions about ourselves and
others, our magician will cook available facts to make us look good in
our own mind, and our attorney will defend the distorted view to the
death. David Pottruck, former CEO of Charles Schwab, for example,
had a difficult journey to self-awareness. A star in athletics and business,
it was hard for him to hear that people didn’t trust him and that he was
a lightning rod for friction. Breaking through Pottruck’s denial involved
extreme feedback from his boss, two divorces, and losing the top job.13
Without feedback, we typically are not accurate observers of ourselves
or how we affect others. Facing reality is not easy.
In an organization perfectly designed for learning, every action would
be followed by immediate feedback about its impact. Learning has
three essential elements: action, feedback, and synthesis (making sense
of the action and feedback). With instant feedback, managers would
quickly identify strengths as well as barriers to success in their own
personalities and strive to change as needed. For example, if a thoughtless
statement hurt someone’s feelings, or if an employee has evidence that
your proposed initiative probably won’t work, it would be great to learn
these things immediately. Psychologists say that increased awareness
takes you 50 percent of the way toward personal change—a huge step.
Feedback is a great vehicle through which to face reality.
But the world of organization management typically does not provide
immediate feedback. It conspires with your inner elephant to keep you
in the dark about your impact on others. Before Anne Mulcahy became
CEO of Xerox, she did a stint in human resources. She quickly discovered
how little honest feedback people get in companies.14 Terry Lundgren,
chief executive of Macy’s, is willing to give feedback, and it can be
hard to break through. ‘‘I look ’em in the eye and tell ’em, ‘You
got an issue,’ you know, they don’t even realize it until you just hit
’em over the head with a frying pan’’15 Unlike Lundgren, most people
won’t volunteer feedback, except possibly during a formal performance
155
review or through anonymous feedback given during an HR evaluation.
Because ongoing feedback is important to growth and improvement,
you probably have to take the initiative to face reality about your inner
elephant’s shortcomings.
A great approach is to create a structured system for written feedback
gathered by others. When Stephen Kaufman was CEO of Arrow Electronics, his feedback from the board was cursory and unhelpful. Board
members were cordial and did not deliver bad news. His solution was
for independent directors (seven of the nine directors) to meet with executives outside formal or social functions. Each independent director met
with three executives individually to discuss strategy, culture, competitive
position, and operations—indicators of CEO performance. The directors
met to share insights and organize their feedback to Kaufman under five
headings: leadership, strategy, people management, operating metrics,
and relationships with external constituencies. Then Kaufman wrote a
two-page memo recounting what he heard to make sure of agreement
about key points.16 Kevin Scharer, CEO of Amgen, seeks feedback to
face reality by having the head of human resources conduct an evaluation
of him and his team, which they write up and present to Scharer and the
board. The process can be a bit uncomfortable because there are usually
three or four key things that need to be done better.17 John Donohue,
head of eBay, appreciated the twenty pages of written feedback distilled
from the assessment team’s half-hour interviews with forty partners,
which he received every six months in his previous job as CEO of Bain.18
Professors typically use a formal system to obtain feedback from
students. Their feedback is collected anonymously, so students feel safe
that there will be no grade retribution. The formal systems are limited
to the predefined questions. When I started giving talks to executive
groups, I found the best feedback to be a videotape of my presentation.
The same was true of classroom teaching. By simply watching myself
on the videotape, I could see exactly how I came across, and it was
easy to improve my technique once I saw the picture. The videotapes
were far more effective than numerical scores. The videotape is factual,
nonjudgmental feedback—the best kind. You can videotape yourself in
meetings, for example, to get a direct view of how you come across to
others.
If you don’t have a formal system for feedback and are not in a position
to design one, there are other options for soliciting feedback. When I was
associate dean of the business school, I came up with the idea to ask
students to meet in small groups to discuss points not covered in the
formal feedback systems. For example, a group of three to five students
(or direct reports) can discuss among themselves answers to specific
156
questions, and then provide feedback and discuss it face-to-face with
the professor (or manager). Although the discussion is face-to-face, each
person’s opinion is anonymous. I found the feedback from groups to be
highly accurate and free of negativity. People appreciated being asked,
and they provided feedback that was thoughtful and helpful. Face-to-face
meetings allow the receiver of feedback to ask questions to clarify issues.
You can also solicit feedback one-on-one if you have a good relationship with the other person and the questions are well designed. Carol
Bartz, Yahoo’s CEO, asks simple questions like ‘‘How am I doing? What
should I do differently?’’19 She keeps probing and makes it safe for people
to answer honestly. Marshall Goldsmith, the executive coach, suggests
using the question ‘‘How can I do better?’’ to solicit one-on-one feedback.
That is a great question, but people have to feel safe in their relationship
with you in order to answer honestly.
Your direct reports may also respond well to questions, such as ‘‘What
would you like me to start doing to help you be more effective?’’ and
‘‘What would you like me to stop doing to help you be more effective?’’
Most direct reports can answer these questions without fear because
the information is about making them more effective; the questions
don’t ask for critical judgments. When you approach a direct report or
colleague with your sincere interest in honest feedback for improving the
performance of yourself and others, these questions will provide good
results.
With some trepidation, an EMBA student decided to try a feedback
conversation with her fiancé. ‘‘How can I do better as a partner and
future wife?’’ The answer was hard for her to hear: ‘‘Be more direct
and less dramatic in important conversations.’’ She told me it took
all of her will not to interrupt and defend herself. She reported that
as she let her fiancé empty his cup, ‘‘My mind opened to his point of
view that my overemotional elephant makes important discussions (new
house, wedding) more difficult. Hearing this feedback, I now approach
each important conversation in a more direct, thought-out manner.
My emotions are still there, but they don’t take control. The important
conversations are now much more fulfilling.’’
A bigger step for gaining unvarnished feedback is to work with an
executive coach. As people move up the organizational hierarchy from
individual performer to manager and enterprise leader, social skills and
social intelligence become far more important than technical knowledge.
Turning people off with a hurtful put-down or a disdainful look has huge
consequences. So the challenge of coaching is to change your behavior
and to change other people’s perception of your behavior. A coach can
help you learn about yourself and change enough to convince others
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about the new you. Eric Schmidt, head of Google, resented the advice to
engage a coach. He got over it when he experienced the value of another
set of eyes. The coach helped Schmidt think bigger picture and take the
long view.20
Coaching has become popular because personal change is difficult to
accomplish by yourself. Until your inner executive is strong enough
to manage your inner elephant, an outside coach is a big help. An
executive coach is not a clinical psychologist who wants to understand
‘‘why’’ you act like a jerk. The coach cares only about helping you face
the reality of your dysfunctional behavior and then changing it. A coach
will typically collect 360◦ feedback from everyone who knows you, or at
least works with you, and then present you with the brutal facts to break
through your illusions. Your boss, peers, or subordinates typically will
complete numerical rating scales about such behaviors as how you treat
people and whether you listen to others, communicate purpose or vision
and engage people in it, encourage others, and so on. The coach will
collect facts and examples as evidence to support perceptions. After you
wake up to the truth, then change can begin. There is nothing mysterious
about this process, and you may have experienced it already. Feedback
is a key part of helping you see yourself accurately and without bias. If
you are a hard case who has damaged others on the way to the top, you
may be asked to apologize to people and make amends for your previous
behavior.
Vinita Gupta’s employees were quitting in droves, and she believed
it was partly due to her stiffness and awkwardness. She hated touchyfeely stuff, lacked patience and humor with colleagues, and did not
take criticism well. She distained small talk and had problems with
perfectionism. Gupta hired a coach to help her see her shortcomings
and do something about them. She learned that she was so focused on
the next task that she rarely said hello to anyone in the hallway. As
she became aware of her constant frown and understood its impact on
employees, she opened to new behaviors. She let herself be videotaped
during meetings and presentations. She learned how to approach and sit
with employees in the lunchroom, making idle conversation or soliciting
information about the company—something she had never done before.
Later on, the coach sought feedback from colleagues to see if they noticed
a change. They did. Meetings had freer discussions, and Gupta’s more
frequent social efforts were appreciated. She made enough progress to
build a positive corporate atmosphere and sharply reduce turnover.21
Keen executives know that coaching feedback works. At YUM Brands,
for example, managers are taught to be spontaneous coaches. They are
trained to be feedback providers who are direct and to the point to show
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junior executives how to build teams of enthusiastic participants. When
people see, through feedback, that they are ineffective at building a team,
YUM will provide a coach to follow the person around and brief him or
her on the behavior observed and its effect on people.22
Remember This
Solicit Feedback
•
Other people see you differently than you see yourself.
•
Corporate 360◦ feedback is a valuable self-awareness tool.
•
You can create your own system to provide candid performance feedback:
•
❒
Videotape yourself or ask for group feedback.
❒
Ask ‘‘How can I do better as a
❒
Ask ‘‘What would you like me to start or stop doing in order
to help you be more effective?’’
?’’
An executive coach will collect realistic feedback and help you
change.
Walt Disney once said, ‘‘It’s important to have a good, hard failure when
you’re young.’’23 He was speaking from experience. Disney reportedly
was fired by an advertising agency early in his career for a ‘‘singular
lack of drawing ability,’’ and an early business venture went bankrupt
before Disney experienced a major success. Such business titans as Oprah
Winfrey, Martha Stewart, and Ted Turner say that a reversal or two paves
the way to success.24 Bennis and Thomas reported in Geeks and Geezers
that the common theme among successful leaders was a big failure.25 The
redemptive element of these failures was the personal learning, which
made the experience worthwhile. Failure provides remarkably clear,
unblemished feedback about you. What better way to face reality and
accelerate your leadership growth?
If you are taking risks, a setback will arrive in time. The trick is to learn
from it. It has been said that people learn more from failures than from
successes. Success reinforces the inner elephant’s mental illusions. Pain
has a purpose. It is a call to change our attitude, behavior, or thinking—to
wake up and know ourselves better. A setback is irrefutable feedback
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that a behavior is not working. Try as they might, the internal attorney
and magician within cannot explain away the reality of a stark failure.
I experienced a setback in my first academic job when I was turned
down for an early promotion I believed I deserved. The turn-down was
analogous to being fired. I was stunned and humiliated. After my anger
faded, I had to swallow the bitter pill that I had screwed up. I gradually
‘‘got it’’ that I was the problem, not my colleagues or the system. I was
living an illusion of false assumptions that my teaching and research
were superior, when in fact they were inferior in the eyes of others.
I learned a lot about my shortcomings. Part of my inner elephant died in
that humiliation. I never again made naı̈ve assumptions about my work
performance. Being forced to face reality was a huge gift.
In my experience, managers abhor setbacks about as much as they
abhor death. The inner elephant typically despises anything resembling
failure. Only success counts. Do not have a blotch on your record.
Keep your nose clean. Chris Argyris said that professionals today rarely
experience failure, ‘‘And because they have rarely failed, they have never
learned how to learn from failure.’’26 Yet a person who has a long string
of successes may get puffed up. A setback shines the light of a new
reality, helping us see facts and ourselves more clearly, and helping us
not take ourselves too seriously. One senior executive who got fired twice
says it helped him change his brusque, know-it-all management style.
He refused to be interviewed by Fortune magazine for a story about
comebacks because he didn’t want to brag about his current success.27
Ego shattering is one of the gifts that come with a setback.
In recent years, there has been much research on the benefits of
adversity, indicating that most people undergo a positive transformation
in their values and perspectives after experiencing a trauma or victimizing
event. It isn’t the event but the suffering and emotional pain that batter
and weaken the distorted views of the inner elephant. At some deep
level, trauma may actually be good for us. Although the idea that people
experience beneficial personal growth (often referred to as posttraumatic
growth or paradoxical growth) from such experiences as losing a child,
being diagnosed with cancer, or losing their house in a hurricane may
seem controversial,28 there is evidence that life difficulties, challenges,
crises, and setbacks can be ‘‘engines of wisdom.’’29 Rather than return to
the previous level of psychological functioning, many victims experience
a higher level of functioning. The event enables them to rethink priorities
and to be more present in their lives.30 The inner executive can gain
strength and the inner elephant can lose strength during experiences of
suffering and adversity. Adversity is a test, the purpose of which is to
learn and grow by facing reality.
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Spiritual traditions teach the importance of setbacks in helping you
see and weaken your inner elephant’s illusions and awaken your inner
executive. A Zen teacher said, ‘‘Having many difficulties perfects the
will; having no difficulties ruins the being.’’31 The poet Kahlil Gibran
wrote that we must know fear and failure to enjoy success: ‘‘Your pain
is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the
stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must
you know pain.’’32 Sathya Sai Baba, the spiritual teacher in India, said
for us to be like the sugarcane and ‘‘welcome the cutting, the hacking
and the crushing, the boiling and the straining to which it is subjected;
without these ordeals, the cane would dry up and make no tongue sweet.
So, too, man must welcome trouble, for that alone brings sweetness to
the spirit within.’’33
Shantanu Narayen, head of Adobe Systems, sees failure as simply
learning: ‘‘someone might look at it and say, you know, that start-up was
not successful, and I look at it and I say, ‘I learned how to build a team,
how to raise money, how to sell a vision, how to create a product.’ ’’
The failed start-up was a great stepping stone for him.34 Anne Busquet
lost her job as general manager of American Express’s Optima Card unit
when some of her employees were found to have deliberately hidden
$24 million in losses on Optima Card accounts. As general manager
of the unit, she was held accountable. Busquet eventually restored her
reputation and worked her way up to executive vice president of consumer
card marketing. One of her most significant realizations after she lost
the Optima job, Busquet says, was that she expected everyone to be
like her—a perfectionist. Busquet learned to face herself realistically by
actively soliciting bad news and letting everyone know that mistakes were
okay as long as people were open and honest. Her former boss says that
the failure helped Busquet become much more patient, a better listener,
and more tolerant of people with different work styles.35
The inner elephant mistakenly assumes that failure leads to failure and
must be avoided at all costs. Not true. In the bigger picture, the pain of
failure breeds success, and the feeling of success breeds failure. When you
have a failure of some sort, after the pain clears, step back and review what
happened. Just remember that you can recover from anything. So why
not benefit from the experience? In their book Firing Back: How Great
Leaders Rebound After Career Disaster, Jeffrey Sonnenfeld and Andrew
Ward examined leaders who faced dramatic setbacks in the form of
prison time, bankruptcy, public derision, and all sorts of other defeats, yet
managed to make a comeback. In every case, the leader made a conscious
inner-executive choice to move ahead in a positive fashion rather than
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to wallow in self-pity or remain stuck in the inner elephant’s pattern of
resentment and despair. Now that seems the right way to face a setback.
Remember This
•
People hate setbacks and typically don’t know how to learn
from them.
•
A setback is a friend to help you learn about yourself.
•
View a setback as undistorted feedback and a call to change
yourself.
•
Terrible setbacks produce profound personal growth.
10
•
Expand Your
Awareness
Wisdom flashes like lightning amidst the clouds of the inner
sky—one has to foster the flash and preserve the light.
—Sathya Sai Baba
The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to
look things in the face and know them for what they are.
—Marcus Aurelius
anish managed an engineering group. He had a strong analytical
mind and came across to me as thoughtful and gentle. However, he
had an edge with employees that sometimes cut deeply. He didn’t tell
me exactly what he did or said that caused the problem, but he received
incisive feedback and was determined to change his behavior. His method
was to spend fifteen minutes each evening reviewing the day, searching
for moments when he may have said something hurtful to another
person or brushed someone off. He was able to get himself into an easy
chair each night and think carefully about all his daily transactions.
At first it was hard, he said, because he couldn’t remember anything.
He persevered, and after a few days, he found it easier to remember
most things that happened during the day. The interesting thing, he
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expand your awareness
163
said, was that after three weeks, he was reflecting on incidents a few
minutes after they happened, which made the end-of-day routine seem
superfluous. After four weeks, he was aware of behavior—especially
potentially troublesome behavior—as it happened. He saw the words or
actions as they happened. After five weeks, he was aware of the impulses
before he acted, so he edited out the negative comment or action. His
edge no longer made an appearance. He believed he was cured of the
offensive actions that used to upset others.
Review the Day
Anish’s focused approach produced a great result. What happened? Anish
expanded his self-awareness—his inner executive—by systematically
reviewing his day and holding himself accountable. As his awareness
expanded, so did his executive presence, which was his ability to be in the
present moment during the day rather than act from his impulsive inner
elephant. His procedure seemed just right. Anish reviewed the day with
no sense of guilt or recrimination. He was an objective observer, almost
as if he were watching a video playback of the day in his own mind. He
simply faced the reality of his behavior and placed responsibility for it
on his own shoulders. He did not judge or get down on himself. As his
awareness expanded, he reached the point where he was present enough
during the day to see undesired actions before they happened. It seems
so simple. You can bring about important behavior change simply by
reliving each day in your own mind. The end-of-day review is like resting
your oars in the water and looking back over the distance covered. Anish
called himself to account objectively for things he had done.
Sinan was a professional athlete before he came back to graduate
school. As an athlete he had learned to put failures behind him and move
on without regret. Now back in school, he said he was not learning as
much as he could. He said that his mental habit of putting ‘‘failures’’
behind him was preventing the examination of why things turned out
badly on a paper or exam or during group meetings. He already had the
habit of praying silently for a few minutes after he got into bed, a great
place to start. After we talked, he decided to add to that prayer time the
question ‘‘What have I learned today?’’ When we talked a few days later,
he felt good that he remembered to do his mental review each and every
night. ‘‘The first night was definitely challenging, since my thoughts were
all over the place and I could not concentrate on my day. After a few
nights, I was able to focus my attention on my day and visualize everything.’’ This took about five days. ‘‘Then I was able to take lessons, both
positive and constructive, from my day, and apply them to my next day.’’
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I talked to Sinan after a couple more weeks. ‘‘I have been performing
this exercise every night for over two weeks now, and the results are
astonishing! I have definitely taken a number of lessons, both academic
and personal, from my daily happenings and applied them to my next
day.’’ He was excited about how much he was learning. Hearing his
enthusiasm about it was convincing to me.
As another example, a physician colleague would go home frustrated
and upset about the ridiculous paperwork requirements of his practice.
His cure? After work, he would stop and picture one patient he helped
during the day. That brought his stress level down and shifted him into
the present moment and out of the negative mood.
Judy, an EMBA student, told me that she had a difficult time relaxing
at the end of the day, so she tried this tool of reviewing the day. After
sitting still, she at first used a notepad to track thoughts that entered her
brain. That really helped her remember episodes, tasks, and feelings that
she might have otherwise forgotten. After several days, she built up to
a thirty-minute review. She received a benefit she had not expected: a
calm and quiet mind. Judy’s ability to focus and stay present for thirty
minutes weakened her monkey mind. After about six weeks, in a note to
me she said,
I find it invaluable and will continue this. Taking an evening break
was not something that I initially enjoyed, but it was a great exercise
in teaching me to quiet my mind. Bringing me to account is something
that I hope to continue throughout life. It centers my focus and forces
me to be honest about my own thoughts, actions, and the reactions
of others.
How do you develop the evening habit to review the day? You have to
carve out the time. Schedule the review for the same time and place each
day, and find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Evening works
better than late afternoon because the evening mind is quieter. Focus on
the day’s events starting with early morning, and review the positive as
well as negative occurrences. If this is a completely new behavior, it may
take some resolve. Perhaps schedule it on your calendar. You may feel
resistance from your inner elephant. Pairing your review with another
daily activity really helps. Sinan fit his review with a daily prayer habit
he had already established.
Nate, a retail store manager, coupled his review with a similar evening
exercise he did with his six-year-old son, with benefits to both. Nate
and his wife called the evening exercise ‘‘high-low.’’ The son would tell
the parents about the best and worst parts of the day. They would
talk through these experiences and what he might learn from them. So
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Dad reviewed his day too. After a couple of weeks, Nate discovered
that his own ‘‘highs’’ occurred when he made a more conscious effort
to reach out to people on an emotional level. This was new behavior
for him, thanks to the daily review. Nate was finding ways to connect
with people to develop better relationships. The main pattern of his
‘‘lows’’ related to his mind’s persistent habit of finding fault and judging
people negatively. However, his wife noticed a change, which was that
he voiced fewer criticisms of individuals, although he was still critical
toward their behaviors. Nate considered the shift from judging people to
judging their behavior a positive first step toward becoming more open
minded.
Dante found an evening review of his daily positive and negative
actions helpful for achieving his goal for self-improvement, which was
to become more ‘‘intentional.’’ He concluded that the negative actions
during the day were closely associated with the behavior of his inner
elephant, and his positive behaviors were closely associated with his
inner executive. Some of his positive, executive-type behaviors included
the following:
Took time to play with children even though he had pressing work
Cleaned up after dinner so that his wife got a break
Listened carefully to an upset employee
Initiated a difficult conversation with a peer he had been avoiding
Presented a process improvement idea to his general manager
Successfully used listening techniques with colleagues and family
His negative, elephant-type behaviors included the following:
Hit the snooze button and had to rush his kids to school
Had an argument with his wife about taking the kids to school
Overreacted to a schedule change made by his secretary
Arrived late to meetings
Failed to submit a status report on time
Forgot to pay a credit card bill on time and incurred a penalty
Jumped to a wrong conclusion about the actions of two direct
reports
Dante claimed that his heightened awareness and presence strengthened
his inner executive and his positive behaviors. He said, ‘‘It is easy for
me to remain immersed in work all day and never bring my head above
water to see what is happening. The daily review helped me see and do
the right things.’’
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Rick concluded that he suffered from unrealistic optimism because he
never achieved everything he set out to accomplish during a day. Rick
used the evening review mainly to review negative actions he had taken
each day. One recurring theme ‘‘was not allowing conversations with my
direct reports to play out. I would interrupt and give advice prematurely.’’
Another theme was his ‘‘focus on action and execution and failing to
recognize the need to communicate the big picture of vision and direction.
Even when I tried to listen, my elephant would have me thinking about
next actions. On the positive side, I stopped doing e-mail when listening
to others.’’
What happened with Rick’s unrealistic optimism?
After reviewing the day for several days, I feel good about how hard
I am working, avoiding procrastination on difficult tasks, and building
a disciplined schedule. My expectation of constant action was indeed
unrealistic. I am trying to do less, and accomplishing more, because
I feel more present and seem to be working from a bigger picture. I am
also more relaxed in the evening to spend time with my six-year-old
daughter.
Brenda had a different idea for her end-of-day review—she used it to
plan the next day. Brenda enrolled in the EMBA program while running
her own business, the equivalent of two full-time jobs. As she tried to
review the day, her mind would fret about unfinished business and start
worrying about the next day. So she went ahead and started a to-do list
for the next day, or even several days ahead. Emptying her mind onto
a to-do list ‘‘alleviated my stress. I was no longer worrying about all
the things I was unable to accomplish that day. Accordingly, I focused
my time on making a to-do list every night before bed. After just one
week, I found myself going to bed earlier with less stress.’’ The end-ofday review can serve the additional purpose of planning the day ahead,
relieving stress, and calming your mind.
So, what happens if you are drawn to the idea of an evening review,
but your inner elephant will not cooperate? Maybe it wants to do other
things and won’t sit still, or it keeps forgetting about it. You can use any
of the tools and techniques described in other chapters. All it takes is to
find a quiet spot and allow yourself to relax and think about your day. If
that does not work, an especially effective trick to get yourself to review
the day every day is to use a partner, which was mentioned in Chapter
Seven. Marshall Goldsmith, author of What Got You Here Won’t Get
You There, suggests developing a list of review-the-day questions about
behaviors you want to change or sustain, and asking your partner to call
and ask those questions each evening. The partner’s phone call overcomes
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the potential resistance or forgetfulness of your inner elephant. The calls
should be brief, and ideally you would ask each other a short list of
questions, be supportive, and get off the phone after five minutes.
As discussed in Chapter Seven, I assign student partners to ask daily
review questions in my Leading Change class for MBAs. I ask them to
change something about themselves as a metaphor for trying to change
an organization. To help overcome their resistance to change, I assign
everyone a partner to call and ask review questions each evening. As an
experiment, I have asked students to try to change their behavior without
a review-the-day phone call for a week or two, and then with a partner’s
phone calls for three weeks. The difference is clear. Most students tell
me that having a partner to ask questions helps them review and be
aware of daily efforts; otherwise they don’t change behavior at all. The
daily questions also help them feel accountable to themselves and to their
partner.
Reviewing the day requires a dose of intelligent will from your inner
executive. Until your inner executive is stronger, your own willpower
can be supplemented with a partner. Goldsmith’s questions are a great
place to start when you review the day and hold yourself accountable.
They reflect Goldsmith’s focus on constantly improving his own sense of
well-being, getting enough exercise and eating healthy food because he
is on the road so much, showing positive affect toward others, making
sure he spends some time writing, and dropping habits that annoy others.
The following are some of Goldsmith’s short-answer questions he asks
of himself:1
How happy are you?
How much walking [how many push-ups, sit-ups] did you do?
Did you eat any high-fat foods?
How much time did you spend watching TV or surfing the Internet?
How much time did you spend writing?
Did you do or say something nice for your wife?
How many times did you try to prove you were right when it wasn’t
worth it?
It is smart to follow a similar tack with your own daily review. Choose
questions that will serve to increase your awareness about the key events
of the day, especially with respect to desired changes. Here are some
questions my students have used to review their days:
Did you work out today? For how long?
If not, what prevented you from working out?
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Did you meditate (or pray) this morning?
How did you feel afterward?
Did you prepare a meal at home today?
How many fruits and vegetables did you eat today?
Did you phone or e-mail friends today?
Did you participate in a class discussion today?
Did you reach out to someone at work today? How?
Did you participate in a non-work-related networking activity
today?
The best questions are simple and factual, and typically suited to yes-no
answers. Goldsmith’s point is to use the questions as targeted reminders
about the day, which increase awareness of what you were doing and
thereby hold you accountable. If it takes more than a few minutes to
respond to questions from a partner, you are unlikely to continue the calls
because they take too much time. With a partner, there is not time for
a deep, soul-searching inquiry. When reviewing the day alone, however,
you can take time to focus on and visualize events, which trains your
mind to concentrate and will also increase your awareness of events as
they happen during the day.
• TRY THIS •
Review the Day
1. At the same time each evening, find a quiet place to sit comfortably.
2. Close your eyes and relax.
3. Recall the day; see the events in your mind.
4. Notice events that went well, and those that you want to improve.
5. Dwell a bit on situations you would like to improve. See details of
what transpired.
6. Ask yourself, What are recurring themes in my day?
7. If you need some support, work with a partner to help maintain
daily review discipline.
8. Provide your partner with specific questions to ask.
9. After your review, consider planning and visualizing the next day.
10. Notice how your behavior changes each day.
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The point of reviewing the day is to identify a few things that will
improve your behavior and performance, things you know to do that
you are not doing, and things you are doing that you prefer not to do.
Arrange for a partner to help if you can’t review the day on your own.
With or without a partner, reviewing the day is a powerful exercise. You
can break free from your elephant’s bad habits and sharply increase your
self-awareness and hence strengthen your inner executive.
I consider reviewing the day one of the most powerful techniques
I teach people. There are multiple benefits, from changing a specific
behavior to quieting your mind and relaxing your body. It increases your
self-awareness and your presence in the moment. If you start the habit of
reviewing your day every evening, you will soon notice a change. Other
people will notice the new you.
At a dinner party one evening, I asked the Nashville songwriter sitting
beside me where his songwriting ideas came from. He responded immediately, ‘‘the space in between my thoughts.’’ A pretty deep answer,
I thought. Another songwriter said his ideas often came during quiet
moments when his mind was doing something else. I think they both
were saying the same thing.
When do your ‘‘aha’’ moments occur? Think about times when you
had a good idea. When or where do you get your best ideas? When I ask
a roomful of managers this question, the most common answer is ‘‘in the
shower.’’ Other popular answers are while driving, exercising, or upon
waking in the morning. The point is that good ideas most often appear
in your mind during pauses in your day, when your mind is not filled
with racing thoughts. The morning shower was often a creative time for
me, but recently it is has been when I exercise. Over Christmas break,
I managed to exercise on my elliptical every day for two weeks when
working on this book. I had new ideas every single day while exercising.
Ideas popped up unexpectedly—a new way to organize material, a better
name for a chapter, adding something I forgot, a new insight—that were
important enough to write down so I wouldn’t forget.
Many managers are not wired for quiet time or reflection. Their
temperaments are suited to fast action and decisiveness. Do you try to
use every single moment of every day? Most managers do. They are crazy
busy, as in a boot camp. The performance pressures are so great, the
deadlines so near, they can’t slow down. And they love the fast pace.
Reflection may sound like wasteful navel gazing when there is real work
to do. Who wants to be a monk contemplating a flower?
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Well, the whole point of reflection is to slow down for a moment, focus
your attention on an issue or experience in need of a creative response,
and discover an answer within yourself. When you slow down and have
space between your thoughts, you will find better, more creative answers.
You can expand your awareness, and your creativity, by making more
space in your own mind.
Most managers see themselves as below average in creativity, but
with a little practice, anyone can increase his or her creativity through
intentional reflection. Matt was a senior IT manager and was serious
about finding time during the heat of daily battles with IT users to
‘‘reflect.’’ ‘‘When moving to Chicago, I resented the thought of a fortyminute commute. Now I use that time to think through the problems on
my mind and the ideas that come to me in the morning. The drive lets
me do a quick sort of the good from the bad. I may retrace my thinking
when I can snatch a few minutes during the day, such as walking to get a
cup of coffee or even going to the bathroom.’’ Matt uses the time before
work, and pauses during the day, to look within, generate ideas, and
probe more deeply into his thinking.
John Donohue, CEO of eBay, takes a periodic day away. He takes few
calls because it is a ‘‘thinking’’ day. ‘‘It’s a day to just get away and step
back and reflect. And I find that very hard to do in the office or in a
familiar environment. I find that if I don’t schedule a little bit of structured
time away, where there’s no interruption, that it’s fairly hard to get the
kind of thinking time and reflection time that I think is so important.’’2
Anne Mulcahy, when CEO of Xerox, was at the gym by 6:00 a.m. and
in her office by 7:15, giving her an hour before meetings to get organized
for the day. Although executives complain about the amount of travel,
‘‘time on planes probably is critically important to doing our jobs. It’s
time to be reflective. It’s time to catch up. It’s time to really be thoughtful
and communicate.’’3
Wendy Kopp, founder and CEO of Teach For America, says that she
reflects an hour each week on her overall plan for herself: ‘‘What do I need
to do to move my priorities forward? And then there are the 10 minutes
a day that I spend thinking about, ‘OK, so based on the priorities for
the week, how am I going to prioritize my day tomorrow?’ I don’t know
how I could do what I do without spending that time.’’ In a world that
is moving faster and faster, Kopp uses quiet time to clarify her intentions
and stay proactive rather than become reactive.4
Things move so fast that often you may not know what you really
think or feel about an issue. Reflection makes your mind proactive rather
than reactive, engaging and developing the inner executive. Reflection is
often a mental examination of your own thoughts and feelings, your own
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experience. A reflective mind can look at itself as an observer. Reflection
is easier in a slower moment where you can create space in your mind
to focus on a single issue. You can explore the hard drive on your
inner computer that stores your values, goals, predicaments, and life
experiences. Reflection seeks connections, discrepancies, meanings. The
inward focus allows new ideas and answers to arise into your awareness,
and adds new meaning to observations, facts, ideas, and experiences.5
Reflection is also a choice: that of thoughtful wisdom over instant
reaction. The idea of reflection is to find deeper understanding of causeand-effect relationships, because organizational problems often are more
complex than they look. For example, manager Rick Smith resisted the
advice of his boss, Jack Welch, to look at risks similar to those at another
division, which had unexpectedly lost much of its value. Confident
and certain, Smith charged ahead without contemplating the risks, and
learned a year later there were indeed many similar issues—a costly
mistake.6 Greg Brenneman, chairman of CCMP Capital, places a lot of
emphasis on whether his CEOs think things through. He asks CCMP’s
CEOs how they would increase earnings 20 percent: What levers would
they pull? ‘‘Some CEO’s will say, ‘I’m going to do one, two, three, four,
five.’ And you listen and say ‘Yeah, that makes sense.’ ’’ He said some top
managers look at him as though he came from Mars, and others filibuster
him with thirty minutes of buzzwords.7 These are people to worry about
because they haven’t taken the time to reflect or are not able to think
through their business.
Reflection is an interesting collaboration between your inner executive
and inner elephant. Your inner elephant has a lifetime of experiences
stored within. Yet it typically responds to immediate situations with
fast reactions, it welcomes distractions, and its impulse is to move on
to the next new thing. The elephant has no way to consciously sort out
the themes and lessons from all that experience. The key is to use your
inner executive to intentionally focus on a single issue or topic and stay
focused until an answer bubbles up from the experience stored within.
This is using your executive to awaken your creative intuition. It requires
both focus and a ‘‘pause.’’ The pause allows space between thoughts for
the new idea. The creative idea will not arise when your mind is racing
about other things. Your mind has to stay focused on the topic.
One student in an MBA program at another university disliked all the
required group work. Her assignment was to spend time reflecting on
the issue. ‘‘My whole perspective has changed now. I see group work
as, first, a great opportunity to meet people; second, an opportunity to
develop trusting relationships; third, an opportunity to become a better
person; and fourth, an opportunity to gather the talents and resources
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others have to create something that I would never have been able to
do on my own.’’8 Her experience with reflection helped transform her
thinking about group work.
A tough personal decision, such as whether to accept a transfer overseas
while children are in high school, can lead to sleepless nights. An inward
investigation, in which you weigh alternatives and get in touch with
your deepest feeling, is a source of a better personal decision. Reflection
awakens your deeper intuition. You can engage in a similar reflective
inquiry when your gut tells you that something is wrong at work.
Focusing inward to listen and discern the source of the negative feeling
can bring the cause into the light.
Another time when reflection has great value is when you need to
learn from an experience, especially a difficult one. Reflection can unlock
the deeper meaning to be taken from a setback or failure. T. S. Eliot
wrote, ‘‘We had the experience but missed the meaning.’’9 Don’t miss the
meaning of your experiences. You learn more as a leader in difficult times
than in good times. Taking the time to reflect back over an experience
is worthwhile to make sense of the event and understand its higher
meaning.
•••
A simple exercise I use to teach reflection to managers is to ask them to
focus on a specific issue for which they do not have an immediate answer.
The pause required is only a few minutes for quiet focus and reflection.
For example, I might ask, ‘‘What does it mean to manage by letting
things happen rather than by making things happen?’’ I ask them to turn
over that idea in their mind slowly and repeat some form of the question:
What . . . does . . . it . . . mean . . . to . . . let . . . things . . . happen?
Repeating it slowly in the mind keeps the focus on the idea. Leaving some
space between words gives room for an answer to arise. The trick is to
be patient and wait for the answer to bubble up from within.
One manager had a revelation that he could manage his people more
like he plays golf. His golf game improved when he learned to ‘‘let it
happen’’ rather than force each shot.
Another manager realized that rather than assign duties to people,
he could ask what people are interested in and let them work according to their natural motivation. He would not have to push people so
hard and supervise so closely.
Yet another manager said he could let things happen by just slowing
down his reactions. His challenge was in knowing how to interact
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with Brazilian businesspeople. ‘‘I can react in a fraction of a second
and then realize, wait a minute, they think completely different. Give
their ideas room. Let me try to understand where they’re coming
from and encourage where I can, rather than shoot down everything
different from the United States viewpoint.’’
Another manager discovered a farm analogy in her mind—the
farmer can’t make corn grow, and a manager cannot make people
grow. She has to provide opportunity and support just as the farmer
provides water, fertilizer, and weed control. She decided to focus
more on providing the right conditions to develop desired outcomes
rather than expect people to work based on command.
In these cases, each manager’s inner awareness expanded to awaken
new solutions. Just thinking before responding can make a huge
difference.
Another reflection exercise you can try is to contemplate one of the
following questions until you receive an answer. ‘‘What is my relationship
to solitude?’’ Think about what solitude means to you. ‘‘How do I spend
time alone?’’ ‘‘What distractions do I use to keep myself away from
solitude?’’ I have assigned reflection time to MBA students to use however
they want. One of the top students in our program started scheduling
time weekly, on Sunday morning, during which he said the reflection
strengthened his intention to do his best. As another student’s awareness
expanded during the exercise, he suddenly saw that he had not been a
very good husband. During the quiet time, he was able to step back and
appreciate his wife’s contributions and sacrifices. He used that discovery
to get out of his head and demonstrate his heartfelt appreciation to her,
which he said relieved both his stress and the tension in their relationship.
Another student discovered she had skipped the contemplation phase of
a project while rushing to the action phase. She had lost motivation
because the project was not producing results. More reflection on the
front end would have produced a better result.
You can also reflect on things outside yourself, which is great practice.
One student strengthened her reflection while reading a book by pausing
frequently to think about what she had just read. It took some practice,
but by the second book, the reflection became part of her reading
experience: ‘‘The new ideas that came up stayed with me and helped me
remember the material.’’ Another student used reflection time to expand
his awareness outward. He was able to see patterns on mosaic tiles and
hear a gentle humming sound at night while walking past a light pole. He
heard the sound of his feet on the sidewalk and noticed the deep green
of the grass. He felt a breeze on his cheek and heard the joyful shout of
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someone in the distance. He spent only five to ten minutes a day with
this expanded awareness, and he claimed that he was much more alert
and focused from the practice.
• TRY THIS •
Reflection is proactive rather than reactive. Use your intention for
the following steps because your inner elephant may resist.
1. Schedule a break somewhere in the day; allow five to ten minutes.
2. Focus on the topic, repeating the thought slowly in your mind.
3. Stay focused on one topic or thought, allowing fresh ideas to arise.
4. Make note of creative insights, meanings, and solutions.
5. Welcome thoughtful wisdom in place of instant reaction.
The point of contemplation is to expand your awareness to allow your
imaginative insights to arise; to find your deeper wisdom; and to inspire
creative responses to solve a problem, make a decision, set direction,
interpret an event, or give advice. The process is simple enough: find a
quiet moment to keep your mind focused on the topic or issue at hand.
You can slowly repeat a question to yourself to reflect more deeply and
thus draw out your buried intuition. This will awaken the best of your
creativity and wisdom. With periodic reflection, your mind’s awareness
expands, your executive presence increases, and your intention sharpens.
PART FIVE
•
Reach for the
Heights
•
11
•
Sharpen Your
Concentration
A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may
be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild.
—James Allen
Love the moment and the energy of the moment will spread
beyond all boundaries.
—Corita Kent
warren buffett accepted an invitation from his good friend
Katharine Graham of the Washington Post to spend a weekend with
some of her friends at a remote vacation home. Several successful people
from the Seattle area, such as Bill Gates’s parents, were to be there, as
was Bill Gates himself. Both Gates and Buffet had reputations for being
impatient with idle talk, and they hit it off with each other, spending
several hours in conversation. At dinner Bill Gates Sr. posed a question to
the table: What factor did people feel was the most important in getting
to where they had gotten in life? Warren Buffett said it was his ‘‘focus.’’
Bill Gates gave the same answer.1
Warren Buffett understands focus. He spends long hours focused
on financial statements, the Wall Street Journal, and digging into other
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data that give him insight into the financial workings and value
of corporations. Bill Gates has the same quality. This is a Thomas
Edison–type laser focus that can be concentrated on a topic for hours,
days, weeks, and months, until a problem is solved or an issue resolved,
a book is written, or a new advertising campaign is completed. Whatever
these people do, they do with every ounce of their attention and energy.
The Warren Buffet–Bill Gates capacity for focus or concentration is not
the norm. Many managers I work with say they are too easily distracted
by e-mails and phone calls. They find it hard to hold their focus on
individual projects. They tend to be poor listeners because their minds
do not stay focused on the person across from them. In meetings, they
often want to shift the subject to talk about whatever comes into their
mind rather than stick to the agenda. When writing up a project, they
may break away frequently to walk around, check the Internet or their
e-mail, or find a snack. They may put off writing reports that require
focus and concentration until the very last minute, preferring instead to
welcome every interruption, e-mail, phone call, person, or problem that
pops up during the day, which of course happens a lot.
The typical inner elephant is not built to stay on task. It is conditioned to
respond to stimuli in the environment, which is why it loves distractions.
A study by the business research firm Basex said that workers lose
28 percent, more than two hours, of an average day to distractions.2
Someone who works at a computer will click on favorite Web sites
an average of forty times a day. There is incredible opportunity for
personal distraction with PDAs, phones, e-mails, projects, problems,
and employees, all of which want attention. Indeed, it is easy to blame
these intrusions for one’s lack of focus. Surely the reason for our short
attention span lies in increased external temptations, brought on by
electronic media as well as food, drink, television, and anything else our
mind has a hankering for.
Don’t believe that the problem lies outside you. That is your inner
magician making up a logical explanation to justify your behavior. Your
inner elephant wants these distractions. It yearns for something new
and different in order to escape from the present moment. The inner
elephant dislikes the here and now, preferring immersion in thoughts
or fantasies about the future or past where it is more comfortable,
particularly when facing a difficult task. How long can you sit quietly at
home without turning on the television; reading a report, magazine, or
book; or engaging in conversation? How much time do you spend in a
hotel room without watching TV or going online? The distractions we
face in the physical and electronic world do not have eyes to see us or
hands to grab us. The inner elephant notices and grabs at distractions.
sharpen your concentration
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It chooses distractions. It cannot sit still. If there is not a distraction,
your mind will create one. It keeps switching radio stations trying to
find a better song. We are prisoners of our inner elephant’s desire for
distraction.
Whatever catches our attention is the master of our attention. The
inner elephant has no will except to pursue its likes and avoid its dislikes,
which makes it something of a slave to our senses and outer distractions.
If you have ever tried to resist a strong impulse or craving, you know what
I mean about being a slave. When our attention is drawn to whatever
has the strongest pull, we are not in control.3
But there is hope, because focus and concentration can be learned, with
guidance from your inner executive. The idea of focus or concentration
is to take control and be master of your own attention. Then you can
achieve extended focus despite the so-called distractions. The frozen gaze
that Tiger Woods uses on the golf course is an example. Woods has issues
off the golf course, but on the course he can mute the chatter in his head
with intense concentration. When walking close to fans reaching out to
touch him, he doesn’t reach back, maintaining a fixed gaze. Woods can
stay focused for hours doing practice swings or physical exercise. He is
said to rest his mind during competition by fixing it on flowers, plants, or
birds. When Tiger was a child, his father would disturb him midswing by
pushing over a golf bag, throwing pebbles at him or the ball, or jingling
his keys to build his concentration and imperturbability.4
When I speak of focus or concentration, I really mean the intentional
focus of your attention. William James defined attention as ‘‘taking
possession by the mind, in clear and vivid form, of one out of what seem
several simultaneously possible objects or trains of thought.’’5 Focusing
your attention means to shine the light of your consciousness on a subject
for an extended period of time. Your attention is always occupied with
something, such as when you are lost in the thoughts streaming through
your mind. Think of it this way: whatever occupies your attention is
where you are and what you are at that moment. The inner elephant’s
attention is typically captured and driven by what it likes and dislikes
in the external world. It often roams unconsciously until it strikes on
something that attracts or repulses it. Then it is caught there until it shifts
to something else.
Concentration is one-pointed attention on an item or task. For practice,
some people sit quietly and focus on one item such as a flower or an
image on the wall. Learning to concentrate takes conscious effort, some
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force or willpower to bring your attention to bear on one thing. This
is building the muscle of your inner executive. Moreover, concentrated
focus on one thing puts up a barrier of sorts so that other thoughts
and distractions are less likely to intrude. Without concentration, your
mind will be drawn here and there haphazardly. With concentration, it
can be undisturbed by external distractions or random thoughts from
within. The object of your focus fills up the mental space, so there is less
room for random thoughts or obsessing about desires, problems, and
difficulties. For an example of focus, imagine yourself in a blacked-out
room in which there is a poisonous snake. Your attention will be focused
on that one thing.
I am talking about intentional concentration, which is concentration
on purpose. Watching an engaging movie or reading a favorite novel for
an hour is not the concentration we want to achieve. This is the inner
elephant’s concentration because it is pulled toward an attractive and
interesting stimulus. The concentration of the inner executive is based
on intention rather than attraction. You are training your mind to pay
attention. Concentration means you can stay focused even if the object
does not attract you.6 This is similar to the concentration required by
military personnel in Iraq who stay alert to small roadside bombs. The
effort can be exhausting until the mind gets in shape with repeated
practice.
Remember This
•
You can achieve great success through prolonged focus of
attention.
•
Focus directs your attention on purpose.
•
Your inner elephant welcomes distractions.
•
Whatever has your attention is where and what you are.
•
Intentional focus will block out distractions from within and
without.
During a personal coaching session, Olaf described to me his ability
to set and achieve personal goals. I was amazed. He achieved many
things, such as running a marathon, reading all the great books, buying
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a house, climbing a mountain, racing cars, getting good grades, and
so on. He was equally focused on achieving goals at work. But, he
said, ‘‘You know, these accomplishments don’t last. Once it’s over, the
satisfaction disappears. I sometimes wonder, ‘what’s the point?’ ’’ Despite
all his accomplishments, Olaf felt empty inside soon after achieving each
goal. I thought Olaf’s insight was significant. Goal achievements didn’t
provide the deeper satisfaction he was seeking. We talked about shifting
his exclusive focus away from the goal outcome, which he achieved with
grit and determination, and learning to enjoy the process of the journey.
He was charging through activities he didn’t particularly like just to reach
a goal. The key to increasing his satisfaction lay in where he placed his
focus. Could he focus on something he liked doing, regardless of the
outcome?
A good way to improve concentration is to shift your attention away
from future goals to the present moment. Recall from Chapter Four
that the elephant prefers the reward at the end of a task rather than
enjoying the task itself. One way to practice concentration is to focus
attention on what is right here, right now, and to immerse in that. The
inner elephant is constantly jumping around in hopes of finding new
rewards or fulfilling itself in some way. It is constantly changing channels
in the hope of finding a TV program it enjoys. But lasting satisfaction
does not arrive in the future. Your inner executive is able to be in the now,
and can sustain focus because it is less concerned with future rewards.
Managers often become obsessed with their goals, forgetting that
engagement with the present moment will hold their attention. It is
good to have a goal or purpose in the back of your mind, but as a
secondary rather than primary focus. Too strong a focus on the goal
means that achieving the goal is more important than the quality of the
process through which the goals are reached. To the extent that we are
more interested in having than in being, and in what we achieve rather
than how we achieve, we can easily fall into excessively goal-oriented
thinking and lose the focus and enjoyment of performing a task. You can
enjoy performing your job well regardless of external rewards. Richard
Anderson, CEO of Delta Airlines, gave this advice about careers: ‘‘If
you just focus on getting your job done and being a good colleague and
a team player in an organization, and not focused about being overly
ambitious and wanting pay raises and promotions and the like, and just
doing your job and being part of a team, the rest of it all takes care of
itself.’’7 Colin Powell would give this advice to a second lieutenant who
aspired to become a general: ‘‘Doing your best in the present moment has
to be the rule. You won’t become a general unless you become a good
first lieutenant.’’8 You are more likely to achieve a long-term goal like
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‘‘making it’’ if you focus on the quality and enjoyment of doing rather
than on the reward.
Many spiritual traditions teach followers to engage in actions without
expecting rewards, as if the actions are in service to a higher power.
In other words, stop worrying so much about the goal. The focus on
means is not the inner elephant’s way, but is an effective way to learn
to concentrate on the task at hand. The reward, if any, is left up to
a higher power, which could be the organization or a divine entity. In
sacred art, for example, performance is an offering to the Divine; it is
not intended for personal enhancement. In a perfect scenario you do not
worry about the fruits of your action—you just give your attention to
the action itself. The fruits will take care of themselves.
The mind can handle only one thing at a time. Detachment from the
reward is actually your detachment from the inner elephant’s selfish want,
which frees the inner executive to concentrate intensely by immersing in
performing the activity fully and completely. Focusing on how you do
the activity in this moment enables greater concentration than thinking
about what you may obtain in reward. When only the end goal counts,
you may have to force yourself through the means, which increases
resistance and reduces focus and performance. When you focus on the
means, your attention flows into the activity on its own, requiring less
effort and sustaining itself for a longer period. The satisfaction from the
goal result is short lived, as Olaf discovered.
You can build up to your focus on the means in steps. With practice,
not only will your concentration be sharper but also your enjoyment will
be high and your performance better. For example, professional athletes
are trained to keep their mind focused in the moment, which is the next
play or the next swing. If a golfer is thinking about how making or
missing the putt will affect the final score, her concentration is gone. The
best results come when an athlete focuses on nothing but execution in
this moment and letting the results just happen as they will.9
Remember This
•
The inner elephant tends to focus on rewards.
•
Improved focus occurs in the present moment, when we pay
attention to the means instead of the ends.
•
Build up your ability to focus through repeated practice.
•
Let go of focusing on outcomes; they will happen on their own.
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A Sufi teacher using the Diamond Approach taught a group of us how
to ‘‘sense, look, and listen,’’ or what I think of as ‘‘slow down, look,
and listen.’’ The idea is to stop and pay attention to what is going
on around you, or to slow down and watch carefully whatever you are
doing. A good place to start is with a simple task you have to do routinely
but find tedious and uninteresting. Perhaps it is a task you rush through
to get it over with. The task could be grocery shopping, preparing or
eating a meal, cleaning the garage, fixing something around the house,
folding the laundry, filling the dishwasher, or taking a shower.
The trick to increasing your focus is to slow down your physical
actions. One example is the golf instructor who asks students to practice
taking ninety seconds to complete their swing. This enables the golfer
to be aware of every aspect of his swing and for the instructor to see
any flaws. Another example is martial arts. To help people master the
defensive moves to use under pressure of attack, Richard Machowicz
makes people move in slow motion.10 Slower than normal physical speed
helps keep the mind focused. Slow-speed rehearsal helps condition the
body to ignore flight-or-fight impulses in an emergency.
For your activities, slow down to the three-quarter or even one-half
speed and focus on what you are doing, what you see and feel, what
you hear. If you are walking upstairs in the morning to wake up a
child, walk slowly and feel the touch of your foot on each step, feel
the muscles contract and loosen in your legs, feel your hand on the
banister, feel the movement of your body. What do you see around
you? What do you hear from within or without? Maintain the slower
speed for a several minutes. Do you still feel in a hurry to complete the
task? What is your level of satisfaction when you slow down and pay
attention?
Practice focus and concentration when eating a meal. This means eating
alone so that conversation will not distract you. It also means no reading,
television, or iPod. Eat slowly and consciously, paying attention to what
you are doing. Feel the touch of the fork in your hand. Look at the fork
carefully. Look deeply into your food. Notice its color and texture. What
else do you see? Sense the touch of the food or fork in your mouth. Try
to sense saliva being produced; the food disintegrating in your mouth;
the chewing motion; the smell, taste, and texture of the food. How many
flavors do you recognize? Bring the same level of concentration to each
bite and to each sip of drink. Try closing your eyes while chewing. Try to
sense the hunger feelings in your stomach. When does the hunger end?
At what point do you feel full?
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Try bringing the same level of focus to folding the laundry or washing
your hands. Slow down and sense everything you feel, taste, see, smell,
and hear. Practice focus while sitting at your desk by doing the following
exercise. Look forward. What do you see? Perhaps a chair, book, phone,
cup, or papers? Engage your curiosity. Look carefully at the color, shape,
and context of the object. See one or more objects on or near your desk
with fresh eyes of focus for about thirty seconds. Now turn your head
to the right. Again, focus on an object with fresh eyes. Can your
mind see beneath the surface of the object within your focus? What is
the shape and color? Persist for about thirty seconds. Now turn your
head to the left and repeat for thirty seconds. Now just sit quietly
for a few minutes, with eyes closed, and listen. What do you hear
around you that you did not notice before? Listen carefully for several
minutes.
One of my MBA students reported the following:
I took time to practice concentration in several ways. One example
is when I focused on just brushing my teeth slower than usual.
I focused on the movement of the brush against my teeth, the feeling
of toothpaste on my teeth, and the work of my hand as it moved the
brush in and out. What I found is that at first it was hard to push away
other thoughts that wanted to crowd my mind. But as I continued
to focus on the task I was able to truly recognize the details of what
I was doing. I become more curious about the task at hand when I
completely focused on it.
Another student said,
I thought about every motion that went into taking a sip of water
from my cup. I became aware that my mind sends signals to every
part of my body to work in unison—my arm brought the glass to my
mouth, my mouth opened and my hand tilted the cup. My tongue filtered the water through my teeth and my throat controlled the amount
of water that passed through. When thinking about this routine yet
complicated process, I had no time to think about anything else.
It is paradoxical that slowing down and spending more time doing
an uninteresting activity increases both your ability to concentrate on it
and your enjoyment—a pretty good deal. Shifting your attention from
finishing to being present in the doing is the key. As an experiment, pick a
simple task that you have been putting off, such as washing a pile of dirty
laundry or sweeping the garage. Use your inner executive’s intention to
bring your attention to the present moment’s ‘‘doing.’’ That is the secret.
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Slowing down helps you focus and get into the moment. The doing
will take you to the completion of your goal, but your concentration
is on the now and how rather than on getting it over with. The more
minutely you can focus on every sensation associated with doing a task,
the stronger and more persistent your focus will become. Every task is
equally enjoyable when your mind is fully engaged.
•••
Another way to improve your concentration is to relax. If your body
and mind are tense, tight, nervous, annoyed, restless, upset, fearful,
or angry, then your mind is agitated; thoughts are flooding in, ruining
your concentration. The inner elephant is in charge during moments of
agitation and is difficult to control. It will have its way rather than focus
on what you want. Try performing an important task after a period of
relaxation. Perhaps start writing a report first thing in the morning upon
awakening. A good mechanism is to perform an important task during
the first ninety minutes in the morning. This is your most intentional time
because resistance is low, so don’t waste it on e-mails and the Internet.
Undertake a new initiative after returning from vacation relaxed and
refreshed.
People relax in different ways. I discussed progressive muscle relaxation
in Chapter Seven, which works for many people. Sit comfortably and
tighten and relax each muscle group. The more relaxed your body,
the fewer thoughts flooding in, and the easier to concentrate. Another
approach I recommended was to just ‘‘let go’’ for several minutes. Sit
comfortably in a chair, close your eyes, and try to let go from within your
body and mind. Let go from the inside out. Just feel like you are letting
go from within each leg and each arm, and from within your torso. After
a brief period of relaxation, your mind will be refreshed to concentrate
on the task at hand.
The blood pressure of my friend Ben, a consultant, is above normal.
He lives with a high level of tension. When his blood pressure reads
too high at the doctor’s office, he asks for a moment and shifts his
concentration down into his body to let go of internal stress and tightness.
When the doctor retakes his blood pressure, it typically squeaks into
the normal range. As your body relaxes and your mind focuses, the
thoughts jumping into your mind will slow down. When the inner
elephant is relaxed, concentration is better. Your inner executive can
assert purposeful concentration more easily. Try closing your eyes and
letting go right now for five minutes and see what happens.
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Remember This
•
Practice focus by slowing down routine tasks to three-quarter
speed.
•
See every moment of the activity.
•
An uninteresting activity becomes interesting when you are
focused on the present moment.
•
You can focus better when you are relaxed and rested.
•
Perform important tasks first thing in the morning.
Focus on People
Carlos was a big hulk of a man, a regional manager of commercial sales
for a tire manufacturer. He understood relationship marketing and the
importance of listening carefully to customers. He encouraged his people
to build relationships with customers, but admitted to personally having a
difficult time with listening. Carlos told me that his mind jumped around
while a customer or direct report was speaking. He admitted that sometimes he missed key points. Carlos was in an international executive
program in which I gave instruction on how to increase focus when
communicating with another person.
There are two times when we are most likely to revert to unconscious
and unfocused attention with other people: when we first meet someone and when the other person is talking. There are a couple of easy rules
to follow to maintain focus when first meeting someone. The first is to
practice identifying the eye color of the person whom you are meeting.
Narrowing your focus makes it easier to pay attention. The second step
is to repeat the person’s name in the first sentence you speak. This additional action will keep you present during the initial conversation. You
are more likely to remember key details about the person.
When you are meeting a person you already know, such as a spouse,
employee, or child, use the thirty-second rule. Rather than fall into
your normal mode of casual interaction, use your inner executive to
focus completely on the person for thirty seconds. Give him or her your
full attention. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Listen. Be interested.
You can maintain this intentional focus for thirty seconds if you fix
your resolve ahead of time, perhaps while you are driving home or
to work. Set your intention and then try it with the next person you
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meet. See what happens when you really focus on someone. You can do
anything for thirty seconds. After thirty seconds, move on to your normal
behavior. These simple elements of personal focus are fun to practice in
the classroom, and they are relatively easy to try on your own. With a
little intention, you will increase focus on the first meeting and develop
a new habit.
Staying focused while listening to another person talk can be more
challenging, especially if your inner elephant has heard any of it before.
When the conversation is familiar, the inner elephant’s habit is to start
thinking about a response, or it skips to something else entirely. I teach
and practice how to keep the mind focused, but there are times when
my mind drifts. If my wife and I are having a conversation, the familiar
voice and a familiar topic may trigger my mind shifting to another
thought. When that happens, my eyes glaze over (a dead giveaway), and
Dorothy immediately says, ‘‘Dick, are you listening to me?’’ ‘‘Yes, dear,
I heard what you said,’’ I respond, and try to paraphrase something. An
unfocused mind can jump away at any time.
The three exercises I use to help managers improve concentration and
keep their mind from drifting while listening to another person are to
(1) narrow their visual focus, (2) paraphrase, and (3) ask five questions.
In the classroom, managers choose a partner for these exercises and later
try them outside the classroom on their own.
Narrow Your Visual Focus
As noted earlier, to narrow visual focus, I coach people to focus on the
pupil of the speaker’s left eye. Focusing more narrowly helps concentrate
your attention more than looking generally at the face, nose, mouth, or
whatever is your habit. The more precise your focus, the easier it is to
maintain. I took tennis lessons while in graduate school. My eyes would
see the ball coming over the net, but my mind would jump away prior
to the ball’s contact with the racket, causing a few bad hits. The tennis
instructor said, ‘‘Tell me which way the ball is spinning as it comes
over the net.’’ I had to focus more narrowly to see direction of the spin,
and lo and behold, I was able to watch the ball into my racket. When
I watched for the spin, the mistakes declined sharply. Gazing into the
left eye while listening provides the same increased focus. Your mind is
less likely to jump away.
Narrowing your focus on the pupil may take a little getting used to.
I encourage people to sit a comfortable distance from one another and
to just maintain a steady gaze. Do not use eye contact to assert dominance
over the other as if you were a prizefighter in the ring. Just maintain eye
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contact by focusing on the pupil of the left eye. If direct eye contact
is uncomfortable because of your cultural background, then I recommend focusing on the bridge of the nose between the eyes. Also, you
may focus on the right eye if you want. The left eye is supposedly the
path to the right brain, which is better for relationships. I learned this
technique from actors who get incredibly bored repeating their lines after
a hundred performances. To prevent their minds from drifting, they are
taught to focus intensely on the left eye of the person speaking on stage.
It helps their concentration.
Some people gain substantial focus from using this technique. One
EMBA student said,
The most obvious of my deficiencies is listening to others in conversation. My monkey mind is evident as my attention shifts rapidly from
one area to another during conversations. For me, the most effective
technique for maintaining attention is to focus on the left eye of the
speaker. With friends, colleagues, and family, I have been able to
greatly improve my focus.
Another student gained similar benefit:
This method of looking at someone’s left eye works great for me
in meetings. My mind is focused, and I feel more alert. I recently
realized that I misunderstood a subordinate’s comment because I
was writing an e-mail at the time. I took the wrong action. I now
make it a point to stop and look in the left eye whenever someone
interrupts me. It forces me to pay attention to them, thus preventing
mistakes.
Paraphrase
I am sure you are already familiar with how to paraphrase, which is to
repeat back your interpretation of what someone has said, using your
own words. But how often do you paraphrase in normal conversation?
It requires intent from your inner executive. When I teach managers
in an executive program, I assign conversations in which they must
practice paraphrasing in their own words what they are hearing. Knowing
they have to repeat back something they heard helps sharpen their
concentration. For example, one manager told me he started using a
phrase he picked up from IBM, which is to close conversations with
‘‘To clarify and confirm . . .’’ He explained, ‘‘This phrase is incredibly
useful. I have to pay attention to be able to summarize. It helps both
parties commit to memory the topics that were discussed and ensures
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expectations are clear. The phrase also gives the other party assurance
you have been listening and provides a ‘warm fuzzy’ to them. It saves me
all the work and problems that arise from misunderstandings.’’
When I talked to Vera, she had the look of stress on her face. During
high-stress periods, she said that she frequently got off-track in class and
during conversation. Her biggest wish was to refine her ability to focus
her full attention on what was going on in front of her and to self-correct
if her mind drifted. I suggested some ideas, and the one that worked best
for her was a rule to paraphrase every thirty seconds.
When comparing my previous week to my week of paraphrasing,
there was drastic improvement in my ability to stay on track with
people and to get much more out of my day. I was able to see how
a more focused day translated into taking away more in both my
professional and personal life. Paraphrasing every thirty seconds is a
mechanism for my success.
Vera’s experience with better focus reminded me of a phrase from Jon
Kabat-Zinn:
Each moment missed is a moment unlived. Each moment missed
makes it more likely I will miss the next moment, and live through
it cloaked in mindless habits of automaticity of thinking, feeling, and
doing rather than living in, out of, and through awareness.11
Ask Five Questions
For the asking-questions exercise, during a simple assigned conversation,
the listener must ask five questions to draw out deeper understanding.
This is fairly easy to do, and with a little practice becomes natural
during conversations outside the classroom. An MBA student who was
extremely distracted grew to hate saying ‘‘What?’’ all the time during
conversations. Her elephant mind was constantly jumping, so she missed
what was said. She tried the mechanism of asking questions in every
conversation. The five-questions exercise works as a way to train the
mind, but sometimes is a bit much in a casual conversations. She opted
for trying to ask three questions in every conversation for one week.
She counted the number of times she asked three questions and the
number of times she said ‘‘What?’’ each day for two weeks. Retraining
her mind was a challenge, but by the end of two weeks, the number of
‘‘Whats’’ decreased by 60 percent, and the number of conversations in
which she asked at least three questions tripled. She was pleased. ‘‘I have
reduced the embarrassment and negative impression from constantly
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saying ‘What,’ and the frustration to everyone when my answers did not
make sense.’’
•••
These three listening exercises—focus on the pupil of the speaker’s left
eye, paraphrase frequently, and ask questions—all increase focus, but
have different effects. Several managers said they like the asking-questions
exercise best because they feel more engaged with the other person. They
tell me that the paraphrasing exercise requires greater concentration
on what is being said. Managers in cross-cultural conversations rate
paraphrasing the best way to focus to understand each other when one
person is less fluent in the language spoken. Focusing on the left eye
requires the greater stretch from their normal listening habit. It takes
practice to focus on the left pupil and also hear what the person is saying.
The major impact of focusing on the left eye is on the person speaking.
Maintaining eye contact makes the speaker feel cared about, because
he or she perceives the listener as interested and concerned. Select the
practice that helps you stay focused on the other person. When you learn
to focus, you become very good at listening.
As for Carlos, whom I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter,
practicing the exercises during his company’s program and trying to
increase focus back at his office seemed to pay off. About looking in the
left eye and asking questions, he said in his e-mail, ‘‘I feel a difference in
me. When I talk to someone I feel myself looking into them with more
focus, and I sense I am giving them a lot more attention than previously.
My mind pays better attention to what is being said.’’
Listening is a form of love, communicated by eye contact. I recall
speaking with a CEO about the business he built into the largest in the
industry. I asked about his father, who had started a similar business
and at one time was in competition with the CEO. He started to answer
my question, but then he choked up and began crying. Talking about his
relationship with his father brought up deep, unresolved pain. His father
started him in business and then turned on him and tried to drive him out
of business. He and his father were estranged during most of the CEO’s
career, and they never reconciled prior to his father’s death. What do you
do when a CEO sitting across from you starts to cry? In my own training,
I learned to let people have their emotions. In other words, it is better not
to say, ‘‘Don’t cry’’ or ‘‘Don’t be angry.’’ Emotions are natural and will
pass soon enough. Be patient. All I could think to do was to maintain
eye contact by focusing on the pupil of the CEO’s left eye. I maintained a
steady gaze toward the left eye, not feeling embarrassed and not looking
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away. The CEO recovered after a few minutes, and we completed our
conversation. As I got up to leave, he came around the desk and grasped
my hand with both of his. ‘‘Thank you so much, Dick,’’ he said. Puzzled,
I asked, ‘‘For what?’’ ‘‘When I went through those difficult moments
concerning my father, it felt like you came right over the desk to be with
me. I appreciate your concern.’’ To me, that is the power of focus and
eye contact. Staying focused on his left eye conveyed my concern.
Remember This
Focus on People
•
Maintaining focus on another person is difficult.
•
Use the thirty-second rule to maintain focus during normal
interactions.
•
Practice with these mechanisms to stay focused:
•
❒
Focus on the pupil of the other person’s left eye.
❒
Paraphrase every thirty seconds. Paraphrasing is especially
valuable in cross-cultural conversations.
❒
End business conversations with ‘‘To clarify and
confirm . . .’’
❒
Ask three to five questions during each conversation.
Listening shows caring about another person. Stay focused.
12
•
Develop Your Witness
The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
—T. S. Eliot
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed
in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.
—Anaı̈s Nin
‘‘during five out of seven conversations yesterday I gave advice,’’
said Jeremy, a twenty-eight-year-old finance student. ‘‘I must think
I’m master of the universe. My elephant tried to solve other people’s
problems, even when they didn’t have problems. I listened just long
enough to interject my view. The thoughts just seemed to jump into my
mouth.’’
Jonathan, an operations student in the MBA program, had a similar
experience. ‘‘I could see myself trying to top other people with a better
comment, both in the hallway and in class. It happened several times.
I could see the thoughts clearly. I even imagined other opportunities to
top people on the walk to my apartment.’’
Rachel commented on driving home during rush hour. ‘‘I could feel
the tightness and frustration in my chest. My mind seemed to fill up with
critical thoughts about other drivers, the city, the roads, whatever. When
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develop your witness
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I saw the slightest deviation from what I considered efficient driving, up
popped a criticism, clear and predictable. Part of me knows those were
normal people driving in a normal way, but I was still critical.’’
These students were experiencing an aspect of their inner executive
called the witness. In Eastern spirituality, the witness is a significant
facet of the higher consciousness. The witness is the mind’s eye turned
inward to see the thoughts, feelings, and other sensations that arise. The
witness is that part of Rachel’s and Jonathan’s minds that could see
their critical thoughts and perhaps question whether those thoughts were
valid. In contrast, the inner elephant is preoccupied with the external
world through the five senses. Virtually all automatic thoughts, feelings,
desires, and fears that arise in the mind are concerned with the external
world. The witness, however, is able to observe these thoughts and
feelings. Although you may already be aware of your witness aspect,
it can be specifically developed by shifting your focus of concentration
from external objects to within your physical form. The witness is the
nonattached and dispassionate awareness that observes your thoughts
and sensations, without judgment or reaction.
The witness may also be called the watcher or observer, an element
critical to the management of your inner elephant. In the physical world
of science and philosophy, the observer and the observed must be different
entities. If you observe a book, then that book is necessarily separate and
different from you. The book is not you. The scientist is separate from the
experiment. The doctor is different from the patient. The subject cannot
be the object; the seer is not the seen. Understanding this separation
between the knower and the known is key to understanding the value of
the witness for managing your inner elephant. The witness can see and
know the activities of the inner elephant, which means the inner elephant
is separate from your witness.
Most people, through their childhood conditioning, come to believe
that they are their thoughts, emotions, attractions, fears, and so on.
This is the process of identification through which you believe you are
something and feel attached to it. We see ourselves as separate from
other people. We also assume that we are the mind and body we occupy,
with all its habits, reactions, and thought patterns. There is no doubt
that we are a part of the mind-body package, but the assumption in this
book is that we can see and assert some influence over the actions of our
inner elephant. If you can begin to directly see your thoughts, desires,
and dislikes, then you can start to feel separate from them. This is called
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disidentification. You can learn not to identify with the stuff going on
in your head. You need not be the man who was washing his car at
10:00 p.m. because he felt the impulse, using floodlights to see the car.1
Not following his impulse did not occur to him. He assumed that he
was the thought and had to obey the impulse. You will discover that
you don’t have to identify with everything the inner elephant likes, hates,
believes, or wants. Being able to see your thoughts as separate means you
can decouple from them as needed. It is like getting disentangled from a
swarm of insects. You can experience nonattachment toward unwanted
thoughts and desires. Mental images come and go without your having
to act on or fulfill everything that comes up. Recognizing your thoughts
as just thoughts can free you from their distortions and help you manage
your life. You can let thoughts pass, especially the dysfunctional ones
that are not constructive to your leadership.
For example, Harris saw the pattern of his thoughts, and that awakened
in him a new perspective:
I saw myself craving to interrupt people and to interject my thoughts
into anything they were trying to communicate. So I focused on the
number of times during each conversation that I felt the urge to
offer advice. I also found myself being mentally critical of someone
who spoke negatively about other people, yet I became aware of
myself doing just that. By becoming more aware, I have been able to
control these impulses to some degree at home and work. Seeing my
thoughts, I am less likely to simply say something without thinking.
Simply being aware of my pattern has helped considerably.
Wendi had a similar experience with how she thought about social
interactions.
I saw that my inner elephant was avoiding social/personal conversations with colleagues at work. My mind judged these conversations
as simply a waste of time. What a mistake! By avoiding conversations, I may come across as impersonal, cold, and stand-offish with
coworkers. I am ignoring the critical thoughts and using my inner
executive’s intention to invite colleagues to lunch and to start up
occasional informal conversations.
The witness can observe thoughts in the mind just as you can stand
and watch cars pass on the road without feeling attached to them. Most
minds are like a busy street with rush-hour traffic. As you strengthen
your witness, more of your energy shifts to watching the traffic, and
less energy feeds the thought flow, or acts on the thoughts that arise. If
you become 20 percent aware of your thoughts, then only 80 percent of
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mental energy is left to keep the traffic moving, especially the thoughts
or actions that you want to eliminate. Just seeing your thoughts will
give you some power over them. There is a story about the king who
sat in on a talk by the Buddha. His foot was wiggling, and the Buddha
asked him about it. Once the king was aware of the moving foot, it
stopped. His awareness of his foot stopped the unconscious wiggling.2
Likewise, as your witness becomes aware of the traffic in your head, the
rush hour may slow down, giving you more control and choice over your
thoughts and actions. Your witness can grow and expand as you exercise
it, thereby strengthening your inner executive. You will free yourself from
compulsive thinking and are less likely to act on thoughts that don’t add
value to your life.
Most of us take our thoughts for granted. Thoughts are always rushing
through, and we hardly notice, just like the king that did not notice
his wiggling foot. We identify with thoughts and believe they are real
and true. Taking our thoughts for granted works just fine most of the
time. Only the dysfunctional or unhealthy thoughts get us in trouble or
diminish our leadership. Those are the thoughts and impulses we need to
see in order to do something about, just as Harris and Wendi did.
Look around the room you are in. There are many objects and perhaps
people and movement. The same thing is going on inside your head and
body. There are internal objects (thoughts) and sensations to see that can
be observed by the witness. A similar shift in perspective can also happen
in a movie theater. If you watch an Indiana Jones action movie, one of
the Halloween scary movies, or a sweet movie like Enchanted, you will
likely get drawn in and lose yourself as if the movie events were real, and
you feel part of it. You identify with the movie. This is just like being
immersed in the images flowing through your mind. The images seem
real and true because you identify with and feel yourself to be a part of
them. What happens at the theater when you realize you are watching
a movie? Your mind is suddenly detached, and you see there are visual
images on the screen that you can observe and enjoy, but you know that
you are separate from them. Now you are a ‘‘witness’’ to the movie. You
can take the movie less seriously. The action on the screen is not you and
not real. It is a succession of flickering images. You can use your witness
in the same way to observe your inner movie’s images while realizing
they are playing on the screen of your mind. When you observe your
own mind, then you are the witness. You are a detached observer of the
movie within yourself.
You can practice using the witness by focusing your attention on your
breathing, body, thoughts, feelings, internal discomfort or resistance,
physical sensations, and impulses, thereby seeing your inner elephant
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directly. Learning to focus your concentration inward will help you
detach from the random chatter, automatic thoughts, and impulses that
typically flood your mind. Here is a simple exercise concerning your
breath, for example.
❍ Focus on your breath. One place to start is to focus on your breath,
which is part of your body. Close your eyes and first focus to feel the
touch of your breath on the tip of your nostrils. Then try for a more
refined focus to feel the subtle touch of the breath on the skin between
the nostrils and the upper lip during your slow, natural inhalation and
exhalation. Holding this focus will help calm your mind. This touch of
breath is light, and sensing it takes good concentration.
Inward focus is not natural for most people, so effort is needed. There
are a number of exercises that will help you shift your attention from the
external to the internal. When you have a few minutes, try one or more
that appeal to you. Each time you try one of these exercises, your witness
will expand. A single trial will give you a flavor, but regular practice is
needed for a major shift toward inward awareness.
❍ Focus on your saliva. Sense the saliva in your mouth. When you are
aware of the saliva, you are in the present moment. Now increase the flow
of saliva. A dry mouth is a sign of fear or tension, and you can bring your
mind into the present moment to achieve calm by increasing the flow of
saliva. Second, close your eyes and focus on the area of your tongue and
jaw. Many people carry tension in the jaw area. While focusing on this
area, consciously relax your tongue and jaw to let go of any tension.
Scan your body. Another internal focus is the body scan, which is
recommended by Jon Kabat-Zinn and colleagues.3 Sit comfortably with
your eyes closed. The idea here is to look inward into your body. Don’t
rush. Take your time. Can you sense any feeling where your body is
in contact with the chair? with your clothing? Now shift your mind’s
eye to exploring your tongue and jaw area, as described before. Can
you sense and release any tightness or tension? Now shift to the area
of your belly. What sensations can you detect in your abdomen? Sense
its movement when you breathe and detect any feeling within. Once
aware of sensations in the abdomen, move your spotlight of attention
down your left leg and into your left foot up to the toes. Investigate any
sensations you find. When ready, move your examination into the right
leg, ankle, and foot. Continue your investigation of each part, lingering
on the shin, the knee, the thigh, the pelvic area, buttocks, and through
your arms, hands, torso, face, and head. With repeated body scans, as
❍
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your concentration improves, explore each square inch of skin surface
and any sensations beneath. Further, where are your lungs, heart, kidney,
liver? Focus your attention internally on those areas. You won’t be able
to sense organs directly, but you can put your attention in the area of
each. Can you sense your heart beating?
❍ Write down current thoughts. Can you see your thoughts right now?
Spend a few minutes writing down your thoughts exactly as you notice
them. Sit quietly at a desk or table and try to see the next thought that
arises. Write it down. The content of the thought does not matter. Don’t
judge your thoughts; just try to be aware of the next one and write it
down. Continue until you have recorded ten thoughts. The importance of
the exercise is not to learn what you are thinking, but to strengthen your
witness to see each thought. Do this periodically and see what happens.
A similar exercise is to read the words on this page slowly and use your
witness to directly observe the words passing through your mind. Take a
few minutes to try this. Read the next sentence slowly and see the words
in your mind. Close your eyes and repeat the sentence in your mind. Can
you see or hear the words?
Another approach is to trigger some thoughts to watch, such as from
your judge. To witness your judge’s negative evaluations, look at your
face closely in a mirror. Look at your eyes, your wrinkles, your colors
and finer physical details. Do self-critical thoughts emerge? What are
those thoughts? The more thoughts you can see internally, the stronger
your inner executive’s witness is becoming.
Engaging your witness may seem a stretch if you are just beginning.
But you use your witness without realizing it anytime you are aware
of your thoughts or feelings. It has been an unobtrusive observer. With
the increasing strength of your inner executive, you can see your inner
mental dynamics and decide what to act on and what to ignore, just as
you decide in the outer world. As your witness develops, you can achieve
distance from the persistent and often compulsive mental chatter inside
your head. One woman told how learning to ‘‘see’’ her whole body and
detach from tension and negative thoughts about her son was like ‘‘when
you come back from a vacation and the house is a bit musty, so you
open all the doors and windows to let the air blow through.’’4 You are
like a fish becoming aware of water for the first time. With awareness
comes space and freedom from your inner elephant’s issues to choose
appropriate thoughts and actions, just as you can choose which movie
you want to watch at the theater.
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Your witness is like a scientist or physician that is completely objective in its detached observations. As part of my meditation training, I
was taught to use minor pain as the object of inward focus. Watching the pain developed my witness as I learned not to fear or react to
the pain.
❍ Watch a pain. Pain can be generated by sitting in a slightly uncomfortable position, such as cross-legged on the floor, and then not moving.
I have students sit in a chair, lean forward, stretch their arms out, and
hold a book. Soon a muscle will feel sore, and the mind’s eye, like a
physician examining someone else’s body, can focus on the exact location, size, and feeling of pain with keen observation. Normally the inner
elephant would react to pain with a desire to escape. The witness, however, is simple awareness and can observe pain with detachment. Indeed,
with some practice, you will find that minor to moderate pain is easy
to tolerate when you observe it as a detached witness. It is just another
sensation within the body. You can also observe other sensations, such
as hunger or an emotion, without reacting to them, to develop your
witness.
You can also practice by watching an intentional repeated thought,
such as an autosuggestion (Chapter Five).
Watch an intentional thought. Repeat slowly a phrase that has
appeal to you and concentrate fully on its presence in your mind. My
recommended autosuggestion for this task is ‘‘I am thinking only of this
thought.’’ Repeat it slowly to yourself and watch each word in your
mind. Another autosuggestion for holding your internal focus is ‘‘I am
focusing on this moment.’’
❍
During a coaching session with Janet, we decided on the phrase ‘‘I am
focusing on this moment’’ to improve her inward concentration. Focusing
on repeating that thought produced some unexpected results.
I felt a sense of calm and noticed that some of the negative feelings I was
experiencing seemed to drift away. This practice has enabled me to
significantly increase my overall level of concentration on a variety
of tasks, as well as reduced stress levels associated with self-criticism.
Whenever I notice self-criticism come into play, I simply state the
phrase. Whenever I become agitated or have trouble focusing on a
friend, colleague, or loved one’s conversation, I state the phrase. This
practice seems to awaken more positive feelings toward myself and
others.
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Janet’s inward focus was strengthening her witness and weakening
the traditional dynamics of her inner elephant. Travis had a similar
experience:
Frequently repeating the phrase about focusing on this moment, I have
noticed that I can manage my monkey mind/elephant/judge in a much
more efficient and gentle manner. Previously I had become frustrated
when I had difficulty concentrating, but I now am aware of these
distracters with a useful tool to address them when they pop up.
To continue to develop my level of concentration, I will continue to
employ this and perhaps other phrases.
Something else happens as well. Some philosophies teach that you can
look at your thoughts and emotions as the surface of the lake. When
you are agitated, thoughts and emotions are like high waves. If your
inner witness can directly observe these waves and notice that ‘‘you’’ are
the one looking and are not the waves, then the agitation will gradually
subside. The light of your attention is powerful when focused on your
own thoughts and feelings. Learning to see the internal disturbances
will calm the surface of the lake. Indeed, the underlying nature of the
inner executive and witness is tranquility. When you can focus on your
elephant’s mental agitation, unease, tension, or racing thoughts, the
agitation may calm down into a more happy state.
As the witness gains ascendancy in your daily life, your inner executive
will have more influence over your elephant’s thoughts and moods. With
increased concentration, you will be aware of your thinking and thereby
can guide it constructively. You may no longer need to believe or act on
undesired thoughts that may arise in response to the situation around you.
It all starts with one-pointed focus. David Brooks, columnist for the New
York Times, after reading books on why some people are phenomenally
successful, commented that it was their ability to concentrate: ‘‘Control
of attention is the ultimate individual power. People who can do that
are not prisoners of the stimuli around them. This individual power . . .
leads to self-control, the ability to formulate strategies in order to resist
impulses.’’5
You can develop your concentration to see your inner world and
thereby formulate strategies to guide your inner elephant. Moreover,
by turning the light of your attention inward, the disturbances on the
surface of the lake of your mind will quiet down. Intentional thoughts
and actions will gradually replace automatic mind chatter and visceral
reactions. You can learn to watch your internal movie and even to be the
200
director. This is the ultimate way of leading yourself to be the best leader
you can be. Enjoy the show.
Remember This
•
People identify with their thoughts, but are not their thoughts.
•
Turning inward means to focus your attention within your
physical frame.
•
The observer is necessarily separate and different from the
observed; you are the observer.
•
Your witness can observe the involuntary thoughts, mental
dynamics, and physical sensations of your inner elephant.
•
Exercises that focus the mind within will strengthen the witness and help you detach from unwanted thoughts or impulses.
With pointed concentration and your witness’s inward focus, you can
adopt specific techniques to deal with intrusive thoughts that negatively
impact your life. A clear example of dysfunctional thought is obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is characterized by highly intrusive,
involuntary, and repetitive thoughts that result in compulsive behaviors
that a person feels driven to perform to prevent some imagined dreaded
event. A person with OCD may have an irresistible urge to wash his
hands even if it is the fifth time washing his hands in the last ten minutes
and he is late for an appointment. If ever the assistance of a witness with
internal focus were needed, this is the time. OCD is an extreme form
of automatic thought described in this book as arising from the inner
elephant. A striking solution for people afflicted with the condition has
been to teach them to develop their witness to focus inwardly to ‘‘see’’
this habitual and compulsive thought.
Neuropsychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz understood inward focus and
meditation-type practices and the potential of teaching patients meditation as a way to cope with insistent and intrusive thoughts (obsessions).
People identify with an instruction appearing in their mind, so a strong
thought is difficult to ignore. Schwartz understood that people could be
taught to strengthen their capacity to see, detach from, and resist specific
thoughts. ‘‘I felt that if I could get patients to experience the OCD symptom without reacting emotionally to the discomfort it caused, realizing
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instead that even the most visceral OCD urge is actually no more than the
manifestation of a brain wiring defect that has no reality in itself, it might
be tremendously therapeutic.’’6 Can patients be taught to focus precisely
on a compelling thought, just detach and watch it, without feeling the
need to act? And if so, would the thought weaken and go away? These
questions were addressed in the research Schwartz conducted with his
colleagues.
OCD sufferers were taught to cope with an insistent thought by
concentrating inwardly to see it directly and reinterpret what it meant.
They were taught to think of the thought as random garbage thrown
up by a faulty mental circuit in the brain. Once a patient could see the
thought, interpret it as the result of a faulty system, and know that it
was not real, he or she had a powerful tool with which to resist acting
compulsively. Subjects would see the thought not as an overwhelming
desire to wash hands or check the stove or lock the door, but as a result
of faulty brain wiring they happened to possess. Patients could learn
to disidentify with the OCD thought; it was no longer ‘‘I’’ having the
thought, just a false signal from a faulty brain circuit.
Within a week or so after patients learned to observe and relabel
their urges as a signal from a faulty brain process, they reported that
the disease was no longer controlling them. Perhaps more important,
they started to believe they could do something about their condition.
To provide objective evidence to confirm the subjective experience of
the patients, Schwartz and his colleagues did brain scans on eighteen
OCD patients before and after ten weeks of meditation-based therapy.
Twelve patients improved significantly as revealed by the brain scan after
the meditation training, which showed reduced activity in the OCD brain
circuit.7 In other words, teaching the witness to observe and not react to
the brain’s signal, and to redefine it as a faulty circuit, actually rewired the
brain circuit to send a weaker signal or no signal at all. These patients were
free of these persistent intruding thoughts. This finding is phenomenal!
The higher consciousness actually changed the brain chemistry. This
would mean that a concentrated effort can change the signals in the brain
to eliminate unwanted thoughts. People can change the brain signals
rather than be trapped receiving unwanted signals. In essence, the ability
to look inward, see one’s thoughts, and redefine them is a solid basis for
learning to change debilitating thought patterns in one’s personality.
•••
Another approach to changing your thoughts was developed by
Byron Katie, a self-help guru listed as one of Time magazine’s spiritual innovators for the twenty-first century. She uses the technique in
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her work with patients. Katie works with thoughts generated by the
critical internal judge, the predictable tendency of the inner elephant to
be highly critical of self or others. These critical thoughts are associated
with negative emotions and some level of inner distress. When people
learn to see the critical thought associated with their inner distress, they
can undo its damage by asking and answering a series of questions about
the thought:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?
5. Can you turn around that thought to its opposite?
I have recommended these questions to a number of people who had
overly active internal judges. To sharpen their concentration, I asked them
to keep a log of the judgmental thoughts that arise about themselves or
others. Keeping the log sharpens their witness. Once they became aware
of judgmental patterns, they could pause and ask themselves the five
questions. For example, one MBA student reported the following inner
dialogue, which started with the thought, ‘‘Jamie is such a jerk!’’
Is that true? ‘‘Yes, obviously.’’
Can you absolutely know that it’s true? ‘‘Well, maybe not. Maybe
it is just me reacting to something that annoys me. Maybe someone
else would not feel that way.’’
How do you react when you think that thought? ‘‘I feel miserable.
I am angry and upset.’’
Who would you be without that thought? ‘‘I would be someone who
did not feel miserable, annoyed, or upset. I would feel more peace.’’
Can you turn around that thought? ‘‘Hmmm. Maybe he’s not a
jerk. Maybe it’s just my elephant-self reacting. [Continuing to think]
Maybe I am the jerk. I am having the harsh thought toward another
person for something he can’t help.’’
You can see how this line of questioning changes the interpretation of
the critical thought, just as the OCD patients changed their interpretation
of obsessive thoughts. As your witness is able to focus on distinctive individual thoughts, you can ask the questions to change your interpretation,
and the thoughts will calm down, as does your inner distress.
One of my MBA students, Ellen, had a continuous inner dialogue about
the faults of other people. As a coaching assignment from me, she agreed
to keep a log of her critical thoughts toward others so that she could tune
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in to and see her judge. The constant critical thoughts felt natural to her.
She had had them as long as she could remember. In a group meeting,
Ellen would think about a colleague, ‘‘Are you lazy, or are you just
dumb?’’ Watching an overweight lady order a salad, she would think,
‘‘Nice try, but it won’t help.’’ Listening to a professor talk about his glory
days, ‘‘You’re talking about yourself again.’’ These critical thoughts were
as natural as water flowing down a mountain stream.
The next step of Ellen’s assignment after keeping the log was to pick
one critical thought and ask the questions, such as the thought about
her professor. So she asked, is it true? ‘‘Yes, it’s true.’’ To the second
question, she said, ‘‘No, I can’t know that with absolute certainty.’’ To the
third question, ‘‘I am not aware of any reaction to this thought.’’ To
the fourth question, ‘‘I would be a person with fewer critical thoughts,
which would seem to be a good thing.’’ To the fifth question, ‘‘Does
this mean the professor is not talking about himself? No, that’s not it.
The turnaround is that I am annoyed by what you say. I am annoyed
and didn’t realize it. I must be assuming I don’t do the things of which
I am critical about others. The turnaround is that I am the problem,
not the professor.’’ Ellen got it, particularly the part about becoming
aware of her own negative feelings associated with her negative thoughts.
I am happy to report that after two weeks Ellen told me that she kept
a log again for two days, and her negative thoughts had decreased by
50 percent. By using radical self-inquiry to see and question her thoughts,
her lifelong critical judgments were quieting down.
An IT team leader found self-inquiry helpful with handling a direct
report. Gene saw himself as an overly judgmental person toward himself
and others, so he wanted to try radical self inquiry.
I judged one of my team members, Larry, as an incompetent slacker.
Can I know that thought is true? Absolutely, as shown by his job
performance. Can I know absolutely? Maybe not, because I am not on
the floor with him to see the obstacles he faces daily. How do I react
to my thought? I get angry that we allow that person to continue to
work for us while harder working people run circles around him—but
my managers keep telling me I’m wrong. Where would I be without
that thought? Every time I walk past his workstation I would not be
focused on his incompetence, nor would my mood suffer. How would
I turn this thought around? Maybe it is not Larry, but what we are
expecting of Larry or the tools we have given him to do his job.
Gene’s learning was more than he expected:
After answering these questions I took the time to find out why Larry
did not do his job. I went to show him how to properly execute,
and I found his computer profile incorrectly set up. He was missing
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an entire screen to do a secondary task. I had been doing this task
for him thinking he was incompetent. It was quicker for me to do it
than explain it. It turns out the incompetence was on my part because
I control computer security. I am going to ask more questions and
make fewer judgments in the future.
I also recommend this questioning technique to people who are overly
critical of themselves. Once they see these thoughts, they see clearly
their inner pattern and pain, which is not always the case when criticizing
others because the other person is blamed for causing the pain. A manager
in our EMBA program reported to me that his critical judge said, ‘‘I am
the weakest person on this team. I can’t hold up my end.’’
Is the statement true? ‘‘It feels like it to me.’’
Can you absolutely know that it’s true? ‘‘No, I can’t. It’s my sense of
things, my fear. But I still think it.’’
How do you react when you think that thought? ‘‘I feel bad about
myself. I feel inadequate. Even if I am the weakest person, the
thought makes me feel worse.’’
Who would you be without that thought? ‘‘I would be someone who
is less depressed, less down on myself. Naı̈ve maybe, but happier.’’
Can you turn around that thought? ‘‘As I think about it, I have
things to offer. I was overwhelmed by people’s quant backgrounds.
As the negative feeling subsides, I can see that we each bring skills to
the group. That original thought is completely untrue. I see it now.’’
In each of these cases, the inner executive was able to focus inward
with a little practice and learn to witness negative or dysfunctional
thoughts. With self-inquiry, people can disentangle from the harmful (to
themselves) thoughts and no longer accept them as true. As you find
this deeper truth—that these thoughts are based on long-past childhood
experiences or faulty brain wiring—then you become free of them. You
no longer see the thoughts as being ‘‘you’’— you disidentify with them;
this weakens the thoughts, and they will gradually disappear. It takes
practice and inward concentration to develop your witness, which will
build a stronger inner executive. As you learn to manage your own
thought process, you will really be leading yourself. You will be in charge
of your inner elephant. That is a complete reversal from leadership
based on an unconscious mind that accepts the inner elephant’s thoughts,
impulses, aversions, and bad habits as who you are and about which you
do nothing.
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Remember This
•
Radical self-inquiry is a means of identifying and questioning with close examination the validity of critical or unhelpful
thoughts.
•
OCD and other unwanted thoughts can be disabled through
focus and reinterpretation.
•
You can weaken a critical thought toward others or yourself with questions to yourself about the thought’s validity.
These questions are ‘‘Is it true?’’ ‘‘Can you absolutely know
the thought is true?’’ ‘‘How do you react when you think that
thought?’’ ‘‘Who would you be without that thought?’’ and
‘‘Can you turn around that thought to its opposite?’’
•
Self-inquiry strengthens the inner executive to have authority
over unwanted thoughts from the inner elephant.
Who Am I?
The witness is a powerful aid for seeing and inquiring into the elephant
mind. Ramana Maharshi (1879–1950), an Indian sage and spiritual
teacher, recommended self-inquiry as the highest form of meditation.
He urged followers to ponder the question, ‘‘Who am I?’’ The question
turns your attention inward to see thoughts that arise. This approach
is challenging, but also simple. Focus inward and search for a thought,
then inquire into either (1) the intended recipient of the thought or (2)
the source of the thought.
When thoughts arise, inquire, ‘‘To whom has this thought arisen?’’
Your answer will be, ‘‘To me.’’ Then ask, ‘‘Who am I?’’ to help you
find your true ‘‘I.’’8 This simple act of asking to whom the thought
arises or to whom it is intended has deep implications. Once you see
that it is intended for ‘‘me,’’ then you suddenly realize that you are the
receiver of the thought and not the sender—the opposite of what people
typically assume. You will see the clear distinction between the sender
(inner elephant) and receiver (inner executive) and that ‘‘you’’ have to be
the observer-receiver, the higher consciousness.
As your mind is learning to focus enough to see a thought and ask
to whom it was sent, you might ask yourself such related questions as
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‘‘What is my idea of myself?’’ ‘‘Do I exist?’’ If yes, then ‘‘Who exists?’’
‘‘Who do I mean by ‘I’ when I say or think ‘I’?’’ Or when other thoughts
or desires appear, ask, ‘‘Who feels this pleasure?’’ ‘‘Who feels this fear?’’
‘‘Who feels this desire?’’ Self-inquiry can address any thoughts, feelings,
or impulses that arise during your inward focus. For example, you might
ask the question, ‘‘Is that me?’’ about each automatic thought, feeling,
desire, or sensation that arises from within the body. ‘‘Is that really me?’’
You may find yourself saying, ‘‘Not this’’ or ‘‘That is not me,’’ along
with ‘‘Who am I?’’ You can also inquire into your state of mind, such
as by asking, ‘‘What is my mood right now?’’ which may explain the
nature of arising thoughts (for example, a bad mood causing negative
thoughts). Or ‘‘Am I seeing this person with compassion?’’ to inquire
into your underlying attitude toward another.
The second inquiry is into the source of your ‘‘I’’ thought, the source
of your assumption about who you are. From where does your thought
arise? When you probe beneath your thoughts for the source of your
thoughts or the source of your ‘‘I’’ assumption, you are attempting to
see the outlines of the inner elephant. The answers take you to the
inner elephant’s ‘‘I.’’ As you see the inner elephant directly, it may begin
to disappear and lose its power. Tounderstand the inner elephant, you
might also ask such questions as ‘‘Who is asking this question?’’ ‘‘Who
is providing this answer?’’ to turn your mind inward. For undesired
thoughts, you might ask, ‘‘Who sent that thought?’’ as well as ‘‘Who is
receiving that thought?’’ to get back to the underlying ‘‘I’’ assumption.
As you follow the second line of inquiry into the source of the thought,
the point is that you may also become aware of another ‘‘I,’’ the ‘‘I’’ that
sees the thoughts. This takes you back to Maharshi’s first line of inquiry.
This ‘‘I’’ is the seer, or what this book has been calling the witness or
inner executive. Over time, your identification will shift away from the
lower, ego-based ‘‘I’’ and toward the seer or witness. You may begin
to think of yourself not as the stream of automatic thoughts, desires,
and impulses but as the observing witness. The seer or witness watches
the noisy thoughts from a place of stillness and peace. You probably
assumed that all the thoughts, desires, and sensations going on inside
were really you, but maybe they are not. With time, you will figure out
the answers.
Generally speaking, I find it easier to answer the question of who
received the thought than to identify who sent the thought. You can
take the questions in the sequence you prefer. If you gain understanding
of the receiver, then you might turn to inquiring into the sender of
thoughts, which I think takes more focus and practice. As you find who
you are with respect to receiving the thoughts, your inner elephant’s
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thought-generator may quiet down. For example, if I am trapped behind
a city bus while driving home from work, a thought may appear in my
mind, such as, ‘‘That bus is smelly and stops frequently.’’ Or if I receive
a flaming e-mail from a theatrical producer, I may feel a rush of emotion
and think, ‘‘I would like to smash this guy. Why did we ever sign a
contract with him?’’ Immediately following either of those thoughts,
I could ask myself, ‘‘Who received that thought?’’ It was me, so I am the
observer of the thought. Later, as my concentration becomes more acute,
I may ask, ‘‘From where did that thought arise?’’ or ‘‘From whence did
it come?’’ and probe inwardly toward its source.
Don’t expect ready answers to these questions. The point is to hold
your focus inward and probe more deeply into thoughts that appear.
As you learn who you are and from where thoughts originate, you will
be strengthening your inner executive to take charge of a weaker inner
elephant.
It may take a long time to ultimately answer the questions for the two
‘‘Who am I?’’ lines of inquiry. I think the approach suggested by Ramana
Maharshi works best for people who are relatively advanced in mental
discipline and can focus narrowly and deeply into their inner world. The
path of answering ‘‘Who am I?’’ to tame your inner elephant is considered
a relatively direct but very steep path to learn who you are, and it is not
suited to many people. However, just asking the questions in the moment
will shift you into the inner-executive part of your brain so that you are
aware of your inner elephant’s thoughts, desires, or resistance and will
not be seduced by them.
• Try This •
Ask, ‘‘Who Am I?’’
Asking ‘‘Who am I?’’ is a way to decouple from unwanted automatic
thoughts.
•
Upon seeing the thought, ask, ‘‘To whom has this thought
arisen?’’
•
After answering, ‘‘To me,’’ then ask, ‘‘Who am I?’’
•
Probe deeply into the source of the thought by asking, ‘‘From
where did the thought arise?’’
This approach requires one-pointed concentration to probe the
thought’s destination and its source.
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Developing your witness to undertake inward focus and engaging in
radical self-inquiry are tools you can use to eliminate the limiting and
harmful mental habits that block you from becoming the best leader
possible. At the least, just recognizing your thoughts as thoughts will lead
to clearer perception and better self-management.
13
•
Reprogram Yourself
I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what
I will be.
—Albert Einstein
There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain
of improving, and that’s your own self.
—Aldous Huxley
here is an interesting story about Eastern Orthodox spirituality.
Some hundred pages of notes were written by a thirty-three-year-old man,
a spiritual seeker with a withered left arm, a mendicant wandering from
place to place in Russia during the mid-1800s owning only a knapsack
in which he carried some dry bread. The man’s name is not known.
The notes tell the story of how he visited monasteries and churches
seeking teachers to guide his spiritual growth. One day he heard St.
Paul’s admonition ‘‘Pray without ceasing,’’ which fixed itself in his mind.
What could this mean? Where could he find someone to explain how to
pray without ceasing? He visited many churches with famous preachers,
and none could tell him the answer. Finally, his journey led to a person
of advanced spiritual understanding.
The master taught him the discipline known as the Jesus Prayer—an
uninterrupted mantra-like invocation: ‘‘Lord Jesus Christ have mercy
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on me.’’ The pilgrim was told to repeat that prayer exactly three thousand
times the first two days, then six thousand times each day for the next
week, then twelve thousand times, and then without limit. The master
gave him rosary beads on which to count. The mendicant moved his lips
in his repetitions. The first days were tiring and unsettling—his mind was
severely tested. He stayed in a hut and pushed other thoughts aside. After
a few days, his heart opened to the mantra. He repeated it constantly.
As weeks passed, he felt absolute peace. He began traveling, and could
walk forty miles a day and feel as though he was not walking at all.
When he was hungry, the invocation prompted him to forget the wish
for food. When ill, he did not notice the pain. His lips and tongue seemed
to pronounce the words by themselves, without urging. After a time, his
mind took over the task, letting his lips rest. He felt light, as if he were
walking on air. His world was transformed. ‘‘I felt there was no happier
person on earth than I. . . . The whole outside world also seemed to me
full of charm and delight. Everything drew me to love . . . people, trees,
plants, and animals. I saw them all as my kinfolk.’’1
What accounted for this inner transformation? Various religions suggest mental repetition of some form of divine name. But the power of
repetition is not limited to the divine. Repeating a thought intentionally
and continually keeps away all other thoughts, particularly the random,
automatic, and unwanted negative images, criticisms, desires, dislikes,
and impulses that detract from the best of you. Just as a little boy can
plug his ears and speak loudly so that he doesn’t hear what his sister is
saying, the inner executive can steadily repeat a mantra to block the voice
of the inner elephant. The one thought keeps away the many thoughts.
The pilgrim was enjoying a life free of influence from his inner elephant.
Intentionally repeating one thought constantly anchored him in his higher
consciousness.
The inner elephant is highly resistant to giving up its dominion over
your mind. Its established program runs your life. A person’s self-image
is relatively permanent and resistant to change. Self-image is the concept
of oneself, based on a system of ideas that are by and large consistent
with one other. Self-consistency theory suggests that we think and act
consistently with our self-concept or self-image. Indeed, people want to
grow and change, but they seem to behave to maintain a consistent image.
They seek information and relationships that reinforce their self-image.
Ideas outside the self-image are typically rejected, and those that seem
consistent are accepted. You might think of your self-image as the center
of the idea cluster that represents your enduring beliefs about yourself.
Ideas about the self are generated from past successes and failures, and
feedback from childhood experiences, including the conclusions drawn
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about yourself based on how you were treated as a child. Self-image is
basically what you think about yourself deep down at an unconscious
level where the beliefs and assumptions are held. This is the deepest root
of the inner elephant.
I saw self-image at work when I collaborated with an artist in Santa
Fe. Many of the people she taught to draw—especially the businessmen
in her classes—believed they had no artistic creativity. She did a session
for one of my executive programs, and when she asked for a show
of hands about creativity, some 80 percent admitted to no creativity at
all. The managers were shaking in their boots about trying to draw. This
was supposed to be a program about leadership. Most had been told as
children that they were not artistic. Others had reached that conclusion
on their own. The ‘‘I am not creative’’ aspect of their self-image stuck.
The artist then guided them through a series of exercises during which
they temporarily forgot that they had no artistic ability. Everyone was
pleased and surprised at the realistic human face that appeared on their
sketchpad. They had creative potential after all, contrary to self-image!
Self-image is hard to change. Even plastic surgery sometimes fails to
help people change their bodily self-image. In one case, after having had
a scar removed from her face, a woman could hardly tell the difference,
even when shown before and after photos. Her self-image was so negative
that when she could finally see the difference, she still could not feel
it. Teenage girls suffering from anorexia look in the mirror and see
an overweight person, regardless of how skinny they become. Among
managers, I often observe differences in those who see themselves as good
at judging, controlling, telling, and directing, as opposed to those who see
themselves as facilitators of others by helping, developing, supporting,
and removing obstacles for others. These self-image differences create
wide differences in leadership style.
When a person’s self-image is adequate and realistic, it is a gift that
keeps on giving through adulthood. If the self-image is distorted, negative,
and perhaps self-defeating, it may lead to a life of trials and struggles.
Negative self-images arise when people identify with their failures, when
they receive and believe negative feedback about themselves, or when they
draw negative conclusions about themselves, especially as children, and
hence their core beliefs are distorted. I can remember one person telling
me, ‘‘but it’s true, it’s really true, that I am worthless.’’ A negative selfconcept is surprisingly hard to shake, even when a person can see how
she disables herself.
Think of the mind as a limited thought field. That field can hold only
one thought at a time. There is a tsunami of thoughts waiting to crowd
into that limited space. When your mind is racing, many thoughts get
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their instant in your head. On a normal day, perhaps 98 percent of
your thoughts are automatic responses to your opportunities, problems,
pace of living, and other stimuli that prompt an ongoing mental flow
of ideas, solutions, cravings, impulses, aversions, criticalness, opinions,
and feelings of joy and depression, surprise and concern. These thoughts
flood through the gateway to your mind, and they are all unintentional,
accepted by you without much of a fight.
Repeat a Mantra
The story of the mendicant illustrates the potential power of repeating a
mantra. A mantra can be used to block the flow of unintentional thoughts
that flood your mind. A mantra is similar to autosuggestion described
in Chapter Five, but with a different historical origin. Autosuggestion
started in the West in medicine and psychology. The mantra originated in
religious traditions in the East and Middle East. To this day, remembrance
and repetition of a divine name is practiced in the Greek Orthodox and
Russian Orthodox churches among other Christian affiliations, as well
as Eastern religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism.2 In these religions,
remembrance and repetition of the name of a higher power is a potent
form of mental discipline. When practiced intensively, it can lead to
some form of liberation from the trials and limitations of the ego.
I am using the term mantra to mean autosuggestion on steroids. The
mantra is an intentional thought, pushed forward by the intelligent will of
the inner executive. The first value of a mantra is to keep away unwanted
thoughts. The second is to use it to make a new suggestion to yourself to
reprogram your basic assumptions and self-image. Autosuggestion can
be used to facilitate change in your behavior in the short term. It has
a positive impact with repetitions of twenty, thirty, fifty times a day,
perhaps during specific periods such as early morning or late evening.
A mantra, however, repeated continuously, can be used to fundamentally alter the core beliefs or dispositions underlying your personality.
The mantra, repeated as often as possible, becomes a reprogramming
instruction for your inner elephant, and should be repeated many, many
times, even hundreds and thousands of times a day.
Repeating a mantra takes effort and focus and thereby strengthens
your executive self by pushing back the tide of unneeded thoughts and
feelings that fill up your mind. I like the word mindshare—as the share of
intentional thought increases, the share of mindless and negative chatter
decreases. If your inner executive asserts its own continuous positive
thought, there is no longer room for the negative flotsam surging into
your mind. And if the mantra has a higher spiritual connotation, such
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as a divine name that is dear to you, the experience may be even more
uplifting.
Why not apply this powerful concept of mantra to a deeper issue, such
as self-image? A well-designed mantra can work at a deep level, as it did
for the Russian mendicant. As he continued to repeat the mantra, his
automatic (and probably negative) thoughts fell away. Those thoughts
were no longer accepted or reinforced.
To gain the benefits of a mantra, I typically suggest working up to a
repetition of a thousand times a day or more. When I was practicing
mantras, I once used a hand counter during a road trip. I found that
a short mantra could be repeated about a thousand times in an hour.
A longer mantra might take an hour and a half to two hours. Of course,
it is hard to stay focused for that length of time. Besides, who has an
hour to spare? Actually, you have more time than you think. Your mind
is already repeating the tired old reactions, feelings, and scripts that have
been with you for years as a predictable response to the world. The
negative thoughts about you and others, the criticisms, the fears, anxiety,
racing mind, and ups and downs take up much of your day.
If unhelpful thoughts and feelings were replaced by the steady drumbeat of an intentional mantra of positive intent, would you be better
off? Yes, almost certainly. There are many moments during a typical day
when your mind is passive—perfect moments for repeating the mantra.
You can repeat a mantra when exercising, driving, listening to a boring presentation, watching TV—any time you are not fully concentrating
on a task. You may need to set reminders for yourself, perhaps in your
BlackBerry or cell phone, until your mind is conditioned to repeat the
mantra during opportune periods. Otherwise the mind follows its old
routines. I found that using a hand counter served as a physical mechanism to keep my mind focused on the mantra. This is important during
the early stages when you are cutting a new groove in your thought
system. Saying the mantra out loud will also give you more momentum
in the early stages. After several days of practice, the mantra will almost
keep itself going in the back of your mind. The mantra is perhaps the
best way to train your mind in an age of busyness, because it requires no
special setting or separate quiet time.
But can it really work? Clyde had low self-confidence compared to
what I expected of a graduate from a top business school. Clyde said
his older brother was a superstar at everything, including sports and
business, and that he was weak by comparison. Clyde set very high
goals for himself, and when he did not achieve them he would mentally
beat himself up. Somewhere in his early life, things spiraled down to
an anxious and melancholy attitude. I noticed that Clyde kept his head
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down while sitting or walking. He obsessed on negative aspects of his
work situation, promotion, family, everything. I suggested therapy, but
he said no, because it was not consistent with his cultural heritage. As
we talked, it became clear that his devastatingly low confidence was a
big problem, reinforced by his inner elephant’s ability to see the worst in
everything and to articulate it with severely negative self-talk.
Self-confidence is the foundation for practically all effective leadership
behavior. I initially suggested that he intentionally keep his head up, with
an angle that was slightly upward. His response, ‘‘What if I trip and
fall down?’’ indicated to me that he was not welcoming the idea. He
admitted to his cynicism toward any suggestions for change. We discussed
it some more and then I moved on to a mantra. I explained the idea of
replacing those obsessively negative thoughts about himself with a single,
intentional positive thought that he would repeat over and over when he
could remember to do so. I asked him to help create a mantra that felt
good to him. We brainstormed several ideas and ended up with ‘‘I am
becoming more confident.’’ That was it. That was the core issue. He
would repeat it every night before going to sleep, every morning upon
awakening, and as often during the day as possible.
Three weeks later, Clyde sent me a note before we met again. He
reported that he had been working hard and had achieved positive results.
‘‘I am happy to say that there has been a sharp decline in the number of
negative notions popping up in my head.’’ Acting like a scientist, he had
kept a log; his negative thoughts had dropped by half. Even better, he
was experiencing an occasional automatic positive, optimistic thought,
which he enjoyed. To my surprise, the mantra helped him keep his head
up while sitting, standing, and walking. In his words,
I have noticed that keeping my head up while sitting, I automatically
become more alert and attentive. At other times when I keep my head
up, a wave of confidence washes over me. It’s hard to explain why this
happens, but it’s true. Also, by keeping my head up while walking,
I tend to see more people around me and I notice my colleagues’
faces. I wish them ‘‘hello’’ more often than I otherwise did. Before
I only saw people’s feet, and not their faces. This may sound hokey,
but it reinforces my self-confidence and I don’t know why. I intend to
keep my head up from now on.
I was interested in the other results of Clyde’s mantra. Despite his initial
skepticism, he had repeated the mantra more frequently than instructed.
I derived some wonderful results. The beneficial effects of selfaffirmation are simply astounding! This saying has helped me
mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physiologically. I notice that
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whenever I chant this saying to myself, my whole body relaxes
and a blissful, almost silly, smile unconsciously comes to my face.
I also feel as though a tremendous weight has been removed from
my chest. I can breathe more deeply and freely. My spirit becomes,
and I become, more receptive to myself and others. My housemates
have noticed the change. One came up to me and said, ‘‘Clyde, you
have such a positive attitude. You are a rock star!’’ I felt immensely
pleased. I had no idea that it took only a little determined effort to
transform my outlook from gloomy to optimistic.
Once a person turns on her own light of understanding, as Clyde
did, she may backslide occasionally, but cannot go all the way back
to old thinking. ‘‘Now that I have realized the power of this positive
self-affirmation, I will carry on this fruitful practice every day and will
enjoy the fruits.’’
The word mantra means ‘‘to free from the mind.’’ It is a tool used by
the higher mind to free oneself from the vagaries of the lower mind (inner
elephant). This is captured by a story I heard in India. A man came to the
door of a house and offered a housewife the following bargain: he would
do all of her work, and if he ever completed the work so that he was
idle, he would be given possession of her children and be free to leave
with them. The housewife could not imagine running out of work, so she
agreed. The man was most industrious, washing clothes, mopping floors,
preparing food, and cultivating the garden, and after a few weeks the
woman began to fear that she could not keep him busy. Indeed, she was
becoming weary of finding tasks for this superefficient worker. Finally,
she thought of a new task—building a twenty-foot-high pole in back of
her house. Henceforth, whenever she did not have an immediate task for
the man to complete, she ordered him to climb up and down the pole
rather than be idle. Then when a new task came up, she assigned him to
it. When he completed the work, she again assigned him to climb up and
down the pole.
The pole is a metaphor for a mantra. It keeps the mind busy between
important tasks. Most religions have their own form of a mantra. The
Jesus Prayer is from the Christian tradition. So is ‘‘Hail Mary full of
Grace,’’ which Catholics recite. I have Hindu friends who repeat ‘‘Om
Sai Ram’’ or ‘‘I am that’’ in the back of their minds throughout the day.
Bahá’ı́s sometimes repeat ‘‘Allah-u-Abah.’’ From the Buddhists I learned,
‘‘May the world have peace and harmony.’’ Some mantras are considered
powerful because they trigger a thought-sound vibration within the mind
and body, which is in tune with the vibration of the universe. The
best-known of these thought-sound vibrations is ‘‘Om.’’3
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When assisting someone in defining a mantra that will help correct his
or her self-image, I use the same guidelines as presented in Chapter Five
for autosuggestion. It is important to stay in the present tense and to
speak gently, respectfully, and positively. Be fully present and aware of
the mantra repeating in your mind during the early stages. When your
mind jumps away, just bring it back to the mantra. It helps to feel it,
believe it, and mean it. And, as for autosuggestion, I urge people to start
with ‘‘I am,’’ followed by a verb with an ‘‘ing,’’ such as ‘‘I am becoming,’’
or ‘‘I am feeling.’’ The ‘‘I am’’ seems to have special power, and the ‘‘ing’’
moves them toward their desired future state.
•••
A mantra can serve as an antidote to a nasty internal judge. Jack was
an accomplished manager who joined the EMBA program to obtain a
credential for promotion to an anticipated C-level opening. People in
high-level positions sometimes feel like frauds. The confident exterior
hides massive insecurity and a severe internal judge saying they are
worthless, which they believe others will soon discover. Jack believed his
success to be due to factors outside his control, and credited his ‘‘failures’’
to himself. As Jack talked, I thought a mantra might help offset his harsh
inner voice and perhaps reprogram his self-image. Therapy was out of
the question. A mantra could be repeated during his busy days. We
considered ‘‘I am becoming more confident,’’ which I thought got to the
core issue. Jack preferred something to directly counter the inner critic.
This was a tough one. However, any intentional thought that replaced
the inner critic would be an improvement. Jack liked ‘‘I am deserving
of my position’’ and said he would repeat it as often as possible during
the day, especially whenever he heard that voice. He could modify the
mantra as he figured out what had traction for him.
When I talked to Jack later in the semester, he said the mantra
had a valuable effect. It helped him become even more aware of the
self-critical thoughts. He saw them more clearly. He learned to shift
from those thoughts to the mantra. After a few weeks, the negative
thoughts became a trigger to start the mantra. ‘‘What a perfect outcome,’’
I thought to myself. ‘‘The self-critical thoughts have become the stick
that stirs the fire, destroying itself in the process.’’ The mantra was
a mechanism to detach from the critical, ‘‘I’m a fraud’’ thoughts that
had plagued him. He varied the mantra, but the result was the same:
the critical voice was losing steam and losing its power over him. He
was training his mind with a mantra to leave those disabling thoughts
behind.
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I practiced different mantras in different ways for about a year, and
found them useful as a way to insert intentional thoughts into my mind to
push back on the unintentional junk passing through. I still use a mantra
occasionally. Continuously repeating any mantra is a good way to train
and focus the mind to replace its constant mindless chatter. The content of
the mantra also seems important. For example, a Sanskrit mantra whose
meaning I did not know seemed to have less effect than a mantra in
English that my inner elephant could understand and absorb. Longer
mantras take more intention than a short, easily repeatable phrase. An
example of a longer mantra is ‘‘From ignorance, lead me to truth; from
darkness, lead me to light; from death, lead me to immortality; om, peace,
peace, peace.’’ A longer mantra is probably better used during a period
of focused meditation. A short, easily repeatable mantra seems the best
way to keep the mind climbing up and down the pole during idle periods
of the day.
One mantra that had power for me was ‘‘I am staying awake.’’
I started to notice that for some brief periods during the day I felt that I
was ‘‘awake,’’ in the present moment, and fully in my inner executive.
But the pace of the day would pull me back into unconscious reactions
and behaviors. My inner elephant was productive, but I wanted to extend
the periods when I was awake in the sense of being able to observe and
influence my mind and emotions rather than be carried along by them.
The ‘‘I am staying awake’’ mantra felt right. I was repeating it more
than a thousand times a day, and I could sense that my inner executive
was successfully taking mindshare away from my inner elephant. I was
making progress.
Then my daughter and grandchild moved in with us unexpectedly
for several weeks. There was a predictable friction generated by people
unused to living together figuring out which household system and family
system would prevail. There were numerous points at which frustration
might trigger upset within me. But I kept repeating that mantra and . . .
something unusual happened. I could sense the upset within me as it
began its rush toward filling my mind, as if I had accidentally triggered
an avalanche while skiing. But when I kept saying, ‘‘I am staying awake,’’
the avalanche did not sweep me away. It was as if I skied up to a
higher peak, and the rush of emotion could not quite reach me. If it
had, I would have been engulfed with a feeling of anger or frustration
and probably would have expressed it, causing a fight and hard feelings.
Instead, I repeated the mantra, and the emotional upsurge subsided. I was
free. I was able to stay above the avalanche. Instead of being upset, I could
see an opposite point of view without getting caught up for or against
it. I could help resolve differences rather than add to differences. Indeed,
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when I repeat that mantra, I feel as though I can stay ‘‘awake’’ for as
long as I can continue to repeat it. But there are still periods when I don’t
repeat the mantra, either because I am absorbed in work or my automatic
stream of thoughts takes over.
Remember, intentions come into being through the power of words.
This is the essence of a mantra. It brings into being a mental intention
that gives specific guidance to your inner elephant. Saying a mantra puts
a small burst of energy behind the intention. Intention is brought to life
by the mantra.
Remember This
Repeat a Mantra
•
A mantra is an intentional thought pushed forward by your
intelligent will (inner executive).
•
Your intentions come into being through the power of words.
•
A mantra keeps away unwanted thoughts and provides
instruction to the inner elephant.
•
Repeat a mantra at every opportunity during the day.
•
A mantra can change basic assumptions underlying your
self-image.
•
Once you have had some practice, a negative thought will
serve as a trigger to start repetition of a positive mantra.
A variation is to sing or chant the mantra. One manager told me that
he experimented with chanting a short religious mantra. The chanting
seemed to add power to his intention. I like that idea. It would be like
singing your favorite song over and over in your mind with uplifting
intention. I tried chanting (singing) a mantra, and it did seem to help my
mind hold on to the mantra for a longer time. It was more fun than simple
forced repetition. But for me, simple, quiet repetition seems more natural.
However you do it, the payoff comes with a quieter and more focused
mind. The manager insisted that chanting lessened his negativity and that
after a few days he found life easier and more enjoyable.
If the idea of a mantra or chant appeals to you, I encourage you to
try it. Devise a phrase that resonates with your heart and stick with it
for several days. The important thing over the long term is to reprogram
your mind by training it with the mantra to take over the share of mind
reprogram yourself
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normally spent in negative chatter that reinforces some negative aspect
of the self-image you no longer want. The outcome can be likened to that
of fire. The light and heat of the fire will gradually destroy unwanted
thoughts that would rush through your mind automatically. The mantra
can calm and quiet the inner elephant, healing its frantic nature, enabling
it to focus and follow through on its assignments without resistance or
distractions.4
Prayer May Help, but Not the Way You Think
A prayer can be similar to a mantra. A prayer is a deliberate, intentional,
and willful mental action. Intentional mental action engages the higher
inner executive to create thoughts to replace the ad hoc thoughts sent
into the mind by the inner elephant. A prayer can be a short phrase
similar to the Jesus Prayer, the repetition of a longer memorized prayer,
or spontaneously talking to a higher power. Many people think of
successful prayer as getting what they want by asking a higher power to
give it. I don’t know whether that works. But I do believe that one value
of prayer is that it harnesses intention, just as a mantra, visualization, or
autosuggestion does. Saying a prayer creates an intention in your mind,
which is very different from the junk thoughts normally flowing through.
Which of the following thoughts would you like to keep alive in your
mind?
1. ‘‘I am so worthless, so awful. I can’t do anything right. No one likes
me. I’ll never achieve anything. No one really loves me. Whatever I do,
there are mistakes and wasted time. Everyone else is better than me.
I hope my boss doesn’t figure out that I don’t know what I’m doing.’’
2. ‘‘Bestow upon me a heart which, like unto glass, may be illuminated
with the light of Thy love, and confer upon me thoughts which may
change this world into a rose garden through the outpourings of heavenly grace.’’5
Or consider which of the following types of thoughts would be more
likely to uplift or enhance your life.
1. ‘‘Those people offend me. Why don’t they act correctly? He’s an idiot.
She’s so tactless. She doesn’t know how to dress well, she’s too loud,
and could stand to lose a few pounds. He’s so thoughtless, so narcissistic. He just sucks up to everyone. That’s why he’s done so well. He’s
not as smart as I am. She gets by on her sex appeal—and sleeping her
way to success.’’
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2. ‘‘Help me to be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity. Let
me be worthy of the trust of my neighbor, and look upon him with a
bright and friendly face. Help me be a treasure to the poor, a help to
the needy, fair in judgment, and loving in my speech. Let me possess
a pure, kindly and radiant heart. Let integrity and uprightness distinguish all my acts.’’6
What do you want to keep alive in your mind? Without some intentional thoughts of the second kind to fill up the mind, the first kind of
words and thoughts will lurk there. Which do you prefer? I think intentional positive thoughts beat negative thoughts every time, but you need
to exert effort and intention to keep them at the forefront. If you have a
religious orientation, prayer is an excellent way to take charge of your
thoughts.
There are various kinds of prayer, which reflect different aspects of
a person’s relationship with a higher power. Perhaps the commonest
prayer is the petition, asking for something for oneself. This might be
considered a form of ‘‘begging’’ to satisfy one’s own physical or ego
needs, such as for a job, winning the lottery, a cancer cure, a promotion,
food, or a new car. A related prayer is called intercession, which asks
for an intervention on behalf of other people, perhaps to cure an illness
or help them find their way in the world. Another common type of
prayer is confession, which involves admitting and apologizing for a
wrongdoing and requesting forgiveness, and perhaps asking assistance
to behave correctly. A prayer of adoration gives praise and honor to the
vastness and greatness of a higher power. A prayer of thanksgiving is
an offering of gratitude for the created world and for specific bounty in
one’s life.
All these prayers are the same in one respect: you are putting your
intention into words and making it explicit. You are expending enough
energy to bring to life in your mind what you want to have happen.
I view asking for material things to meet physical and ego needs as the
prayer of the inner elephant. The petition prayer, for example, tends to
tell the higher power what to do by requesting specific outcomes or trying
to dictate the future. This type of prayer puts the inner elephant in the
center of things. The inner elephant wants the higher power to respond
to its will.
Other prayers are based in humility and are used to send love or to
improve oneself. These prayers arise from the inner executive because
they seek assistance toward humility, a higher goal, or something bigger
than collecting more things for oneself. The best advice I have heard
about prayer is simply to pray for inner peace and contentment, because
reprogram yourself
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that reflects the happiness that everyone seems to want and is a good
thought to keep alive in your mind. Let your higher power figure out
how to provide it.
I have had coaching sessions with a number of people who have
strong religious beliefs. Most of them are comfortable with the ideas in
this book, including mantras. However, one MBA student, Felix, was
distinctly uncomfortable leaving God out of the equation. On his own,
he had developed his witness and was able to see his negative thoughts
toward other people. Although he did not use a mantra, he would
consciously rebut a negative thought with a response such as ‘‘No, that’s
not true. John is a friend of mine and a good person.’’ His concentration
was good enough to spot individual thoughts, so we left it at that for
handling the criticisms of his inner judge.
Felix wanted my help with his monkey mind. His mind jumped around
a lot, landing mostly on judgmental thoughts and worries about the
future. He wanted his mind to stay more in the present. Felix was clearly
a sparkplug and energizer, and he wanted to feel more executive presence
rather than moderate anxiety. We talked about various mantras for
staying in the moment, such as, ‘‘I am staying present in this moment.’’
He simply converted the mantra into a prayer: ‘‘Lord, help me be present
in this moment.’’ When I talked to him later, he reported that this
prayer seemed to have the same effect for him as a mantra has for other
people. He said his mind was more in the moment rather than thinking
ahead and worrying about the future. His moderate anxiety seemed to
be calming down.
Repeating a prayer may have other benefits. The negative side of the
inner elephant seems to be less visible in the lives of people who pray as
part of a spiritual practice.7 A review of research in psychology concluded
that religious belief promotes self-control. For example, as early as the
1920s, students who spent more time in Sunday school were found to
do better at laboratory tests measuring their self-discipline. ‘‘Brain scan
studies have shown that when people pray or meditate, there is a lot of
activity in two parts of the brain that are important for self-regulation
and control of attention and emotion.’’8
I have learned a lot from religious traditions and practices. I like the
ideas of mantra and prayer. I especially like the idea of a short prayer,
perhaps repeated like a mantra, such as ‘‘Let me speak only kind words,’’
‘‘Help me stay in this moment,’’ ‘‘Help me stay in the flow with this
work,’’ or ‘‘Please help me learn the lesson of true humility.’’ These
prayers are a useful way to train the mind, take charge of the mind, and
pull it away from the inner elephant’s meandering thoughts and impulses.
The best advice I ever heard for prayer also works for a mantra: pray as
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though you have fallen into a deep well and are trying to be heard by
someone above ground. In other words, pray as though you mean it.
Remember This
Prayer May Help
•
A prayer is a deliberate, intentional, and willful mental action.
•
A prayer can harness intention just as a mantra or visualization does.
•
A prayer keeps alive in your mind what you want to have
happen.
•
A mantra can be reworded into a short prayer if you prefer
that form.
•
People who pray seem to have better self-regulation.
Find something that works for you. Even if you are not a religious
person, prayer is still helpful because it speaks your intention to your
inner elephant if not to a higher power. The outcome can be good either
way. And the prayer will keep away automatic thoughts. Just getting
rid of some of the negative, harsh, self-defeating chatter will produce an
improvement in your mood and your leadership style.
14
•
Mend Your Mind
with Meditation
You must learn to be still in the midst of activity, and to be
vibrantly alive in repose.
—Indira Gandhi
Let us remember that within us there is a palace
of immense magnificence.
—Teresa of Avila
the moment that changed David Lynch, best known as the director
of such surrealist feature films as Lost Highway, Blue Velvet, and
Mulholland Drive, was when his ex-wife called to tell him about her
experience with Transcendental Meditation (TM). ‘‘There was something
in her voice. A change. A quality of happiness. And I thought, That’s
what I want.’’1 So Lynch found a TM instructor who gave him a mantra,
which he repeated silently to himself for twenty minutes. Lynch fell into
something blissful during that first meditation and has meditated twice
a day for twenty minutes ever since. The meditation awakened him,
as if a psychological weight had been lifted from his shoulders. After
about two weeks, his ex-wife came to him and asked, ‘‘What’s going
on?’’ He paused for a moment and said, ‘‘What do you mean?’’ And she
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responded, ‘‘This anger, where did it go?’’ Lynch hadn’t realized that his
ever-present anger had lifted.2
Meditation did not target a specific bad habit to make Lynch a better
leader and movie director; rather, meditation awakened a deep sense of
happiness. After meditating, Lynch simply goes about the business of his
day with increased joy and creativity, heightened pleasure in living, and
disappearing negativity.
His experience was so life changing that Lynch recently started a
foundation to promote meditation in middle and high schools. Lynch
believes that people need to concentrate on one thing at a time and
not have a million different things distracting them. A person’s capacity
for concentration and creativity grow when he or she starts meditating
and diving within. With meditation, wherever you focus your attention
becomes ‘‘livelier.’’ Work gets better, and people get happier.3 Lynch
likens meditation to removing a rubber suit, which is constraining,
uncomfortable, and smelly. Meditation grants freedom from mental
constraints and negativity.
Why Meditate?
My experience with meditation has been positive, although not as dramatic as Lynch’s. I was initially taught a sitting posture and how to focus
on my breath by a Buddhist group in Santa Fe. Experimenting with this
practice at home in the mornings, I would occasionally feel a burst of
well-being at some point during the day. The sense of well-being was
delightful but unpredictable. My best experience followed a Vipassana
meditation retreat in Texas in which the group meditated about ten hours
a day for ten days. There I was taught to develop a finely tuned focus
into the body, using the mind’s attention to search for any thoughts,
feelings, or physical sensations. Our instruction for back home was to
meditate two hours each day, one hour in the morning and one in the
late afternoon, using our well-tuned internal focus to search inwardly.
Two hours a day was going to be impossible, but I decided to try it,
and managed to perform the assigned meditation for three months before
the pressures of the world started chipping away at my meditation time.
Those were among the most efficient three months of my life. I seemed to
be in the ‘‘flow’’ most the time with respect to work and other activities.
By 2:00 p.m. or so, I had finished my normal day’s work and would
be looking for other things to do. Tasks I normally avoided, such as
clearing piles in my office, digging through files, or doing library work,
I waded into without hesitation. I felt no distractions. There was no sense
of favoring some tasks and avoiding others. Whatever was in front of
mend your mind with meditation
225
me I did, as if all work were the same. It was like opening e-mails in the
order received rather than based on what I wanted to read or avoid.
There was also a difference in the way I related to people. I didn’t
feel any new love or compassion for others, but no one bothered me.
People’s idiosyncrasies and annoyances no longer had meaning for me.
I saw each person as just being who he or she was, and I just accepted
that I had to work within those limitations—no problem, no stress.
Nothing got to me. I was always in a good mood. Life at home was
tranquil, partly because nothing bothered me and partly because I had
energy and flow for tasks at home as well as more time and presence
to devote to family. My desire for snacks declined. As pleasing as that
period was, I started meditating less and less as the demands of the world
intruded and old habits returned, though with somewhat less strength
than previously.
What accounts for the changes based on meditation? Meditation does
not focus on correcting a specific problem. With meditation, dysfunctional thoughts or behaviors, like Lynch’s anger or my felt resistance to
some work, just fall away on their own. In my case, and probably for
Lynch as well, it felt as though meditation completely relaxed my inner
elephant, such that it was no longer running the show. Its constant negative judgments about tasks and people, its attractions and aversions, its
impulses and cravings seemed to disappear, as if the elephant were asleep.
Distractions, reactions, and stray impulses were not infecting the flow
of my day. My inner executive seemed completely in charge. Whatever
I willed, I did. Another explanation is that my inner executive became
super strong through meditation and thus had complete dominance over
the peculiarities and dysfunctions of my inner elephant. An explanation
given for the success of TM by Lynch, for example, is that the mind
taps into some sort of universal consciousness or energy. If we normally
have a golf-ball-size consciousness of ourselves and the world, then we
are stuck in a golf-ball-size set of elephant responses. So if meditation
takes us into a larger consciousness, our capacity for asserting our will
and enjoying creativity and flow can multiply many times. It felt like
that to me.
Many people are not attracted to meditation, and you should trust
your instincts. I do not teach meditation in my classes or programs
because some people are uncomfortable with that use of class time,
although I have held a few sessions outside class for people who request
it. Meditation methods and techniques vary widely to suit different
personalities and temperaments. If you are interested in meditation, it is
important to select an approach that feels right to you. Meditation is a
culmination of sorts, drawing on the ability to concentrate, an inward
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focus, your witness, use of a mantra, and visualization. Use whichever
parts are correct for you.
•••
Assuming meditation fits your temperament, what might be its benefit
for you? It comes back to the point made in earlier chapters that everyone
has an internal judge tossing up critical thoughts about self and others, an
internal attorney providing persuasive self-justifications for thoughtless
behavior, and an internal magician pushing illusory thinking that avoids
reality, particularly about oneself. Thanks to the way your mind works,
you probably jump to conclusions, are influenced by impulses and
avoidances, misjudge the future value of things, and look for happiness in
the wrong places. Meditation is something of an overall solution that can
overcome dysfunctional habits of leadership or individual performance.
Meditation can improve your intention and your ability to manage yourself. It can quiet egocentric desires and impulses, help you focus attention
and energy, and facilitate a positive attitude in your relationships. It has
the potential to increase the strength of your inner executive and help
you transcend the limits of your inner elephant, whatever your limits are.
Medtronic’s former CEO, Bill George, has practiced meditation twice a
day for twenty minutes for over thirty years. He says, ‘‘Out of anything,
it has had the greatest impact on my career.’’4 When traveling, he
meditates on the airplane during taxiing and takeoff until the flight
attendant offers him a drink. Roger Berkowitz, CEO of Legal Sea Foods
in Boston, wrote in Inc. magazine, ‘‘The first thing I do in the morning is
retreat to my den and meditate. I meditate twice a day for 20 minutes,
closing my eyes, clearing my mind, and repeating my mantra until I’m
in a semiconscious state. Sometimes, I’m wrestling with an issue before
meditation, and afterwards the answer is suddenly clear.’’5 Former Aetna
International chairman Michael Stephen started meditating in 1974. He
claims meditation helped transform him from an impatient, demanding
know-it-all into a more effective leader.6 Former Time-Warner chieftain
Gerald Levin’s advice to executives in the thick of a busy professional life
is to ‘‘find a calm, meditative state every day.’’7
Networking guru Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone and
sought-after speaker, revealed his secret to networking. It’s not about
technical skills or working a room. The key to connecting is ‘‘not being
an asshole.’’ The most effective path he found to achieve that goal
is meditation. Ferrazzi spends ten days every year at a silent meditation retreat.8 Other well-known meditation devotees include junk bond
king turned philanthropist Mike Milken, NBA coach Phil Jackson, and
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CEO Marc Benioff of Salesforce.com. Google employees have organized
twice-weekly meditation hours.9 A documentary film called The Dhamma
Brothers showed an intensive ten-day meditation for prisoners in a
maximum-security prison in Alabama. The prisoners had harsh personalities in a harsh environment. No one thought these hard-case prisoners
could tolerate ten days of meditation. They tolerated it just fine, and
disciplinary infractions dropped by 20 percent. The director of treatment
at the Alabama Department of Corrections said inmates were ‘‘better
able to control their anger and better able to conduct themselves.’’10
Over the last decade or so, much research has been conducted to
test the impact of meditation, particularly Buddhist meditation practices.
In the laboratory, the brain function of monks who have meditated
regularly for years was found to be profoundly different from that
of the average human brain, with highly developed areas for positive
emotion—more gray matter in the prefrontal cortexes, the location of the
brain’s executive function. This change in physiology enabled monks to
respond with calm and equanimity in a crisis. In other words, they respond
thoughtfully and with mental clarity (their inner executive) in a crisis situation rather than having a strong emotional reaction. In a related research
project, four dozen employees from a biotech company who had no meditation experience meditated once a week for three hours. The researchers
discovered that after even this short time meditating, subjects felt much
better and recorded positive changes in their brains and bodies.11 A study
of medical and premedical students compared to a control group was
undertaken to determine whether meditation helped students cope with
enormous stress. The findings reported sharp declines in anxiety and
psychological distress such as depression, and sharp increases in empathy
and feelings of spirituality.12 There has been less research on children,
but some schools are experimenting with limited meditation quiet times.
The idea is to help children slow down, calm down, and think before
acting. Fifth graders at Park Day School in California showed increased
control of attention and less negative internal chatter. One girl described
with some relief the decline in what she called ‘‘the gossip inside my head
saying I’m stupid, I’m fat or I’m going to fail math.’’13
Remember This
Why Meditate?
•
Regular meditation can produce unexpected reductions in dysfunctional thinking and behavior.
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•
Meditation appears to develop a connection to one’s higher
consciousness.
•
Research supports the beneficial impact of meditation on stress
and anxiety.
An Easy Way to Start
If the idea of meditation holds some appeal for you, it is worth investigating. You will find many wonderful books in the library or bookstore
on how to meditate. Perhaps the simplest approach is described in The
Relaxation Response, by Herbert Benson, which contains medical evidence supporting meditation. Another book, Meditation: The Complete
Guide, by Patricia Monaghan and Eleanor Viereck, provides a thoughtful
survey of many techniques. There are a ton of audiotapes of instruction,
recorded music, and guided meditations for you to consider. Better yet,
attend a meditation workshop or retreat and receive personal instruction
from a teacher.
A simple way to begin meditating is with the following steps.
1. Beforehand, pick an anchor word, short phrase, saying, or short
prayer that reflects a positive aspiration for your belief system. A word
such as ‘‘love’’ or ‘‘compassion’’ is fine, or use a phrase that has meaning
for you, such as ‘‘May the world have peace and harmony.’’ You can
also count backward from three hundred. You can focus on your breath.
The point is to have an object on which your mind will focus.
2. Sit quietly in a comfortable position. If you’re in a straight chair,
your back should be erect with the lower part curved a bit forward rather
than rigidly straight, so that the weight of your head and shoulders will
rest naturally on your backbone. Think of your backbone as a stack of
coins with a curve rather than as a straight rod. Keep your feet flat on
the floor, and let your hands rest in your lap.
3. Close your eyes.
4. Relax your body before starting the meditation. Use some technique
that relaxes you, perhaps progressive muscle relaxation (tensing each
muscle group for three seconds and then relaxing it). Work through your
feet, calves, thighs, buttocks, abdomen, hands, forearms, upper arms,
shoulders, back, neck, and head. Then relax and let go of all tightness
and stress from within.
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5. Breathe slowly and naturally. Repeat your anchor word or phrase
slowly and with awareness. It may help to synchronize the word repetition
or counting with your breathing. Whenever your mind wanders, gently
bring it back to your object of concentration.
6. Assume a passive attitude. This means that if a negative thought
or emotion arises, do not push it away. Allow whatever happens to
happen. Just continue repeating your anchor phrase. The only effort is
to concentrate on your object. Let all else pass by. Don’t judge yourself
in terms of how well you are doing or how deeply you are meditating.
Don’t try to make something happen, other than repeating your phrase.
7. Continue for ten minutes to start, working up to twenty to thirty
minutes as your concentration improves.
8. Practicing twice daily at the same time every day produces the best
result. The body and mind will learn more quickly on a fixed schedule.
As your mind learns to quiet down during meditation, you may repeat
the anchor phrase more slowly, leaving gaps of quiet between phrases. The
space between thoughts is your peace and bliss. As your meditation
practice develops, you may want to experiment with different approaches,
including different kinds of objects on which to focus, such as visual
images, a part of your body such as the spot between your eyebrows,
questions, or your breath.
Meditation takes some focus and effort to get started. For example,
Marvin, a thirty-two-year-old operations manager, reported to me the
following:
Quiet time for me is rare. One afternoon I got home from work early
while my wife was out with the kids. I sat in the back room for twenty
minutes trying to meditate and think about nothing. I tried to focus on
a short mantra. Initially my mind would scatter among many ongoing
projects and pressures. Somewhere in the middle of the session, my
elephant calmed down and I was content to think about nothing but
the mantra for perhaps five minutes. Then after about ten minutes,
I started to get anxious about the many things I needed to complete
during the evening. My elephant was taking control over my weak
executive. However, during the evening I noticed calmness in my mood
and a more positive mindset. I did not feel as irritable as I often do after
a day at the office. I had much more patience with my children and a
softer attitude toward my wife. I felt a bit happier and more content.
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Two Essentials
All meditation practices share two essentials: the mind has to maintain a
passive attitude toward whatever is happening, and the mind has to have
an object of focus. In my meditations, I found maintaining the passive
attitude to be more difficult than developing concentration and focus.
A passive attitude means nonattachment to whatever comes into your
mind. Something in my mind persistently tried to make things happen
and wanted to control the meditation process. To hold a passive attitude
means to be an alert observer who concentrates on the present moment
rather than tries to control things. Don’t try to block unwanted thoughts
or push them away. Try not to judge yourself or feel frustrated about
your progress. Don’t buy into a thought such as, ‘‘I should be doing
better at this by now.’’ Simply focus on your verbal anchor or breathing.
Let go of judgments about how your meditation should proceed, whether
you think you are doing well or poorly, or whether your meditation
is deep or shallow. Do not set goals. Do not try to achieve goals. Do
not try to force anything to happen. These actions take you out of the
present moment and back into your inner elephant. Make an effort to
concentrate, but nothing more. Just relax and observe whatever thoughts
or impulses arise, returning to your object of focus when your mind
jumps away. With practice, you will be able to increase the amount of
time you are free of the unrelenting mental chatter.
The other essential is a mental object or anchor—a sound, word,
mantra, breath, prayer, visualization, even a body part or blank space—
used within the mind as a point of focus. The repetition or continuous
use of this object trains your mind to focus intentionally on the object
and thereby disengage from the random chatter and impulses of the
inner elephant. Choose whatever object works for you, but there must
be an object of focus. As soon as you are aware of a distracting thought,
disengage from the intruding thought and return your attention to your
object.
There may be times, such as late afternoon on a busy workday, when
the force of random chatter is so great that you cannot maintain focus
on your word, phrase, or breathing. The agitated inner elephant will be
tossing up too many thoughts to ignore. There are three ways to give a
boost to your concentration during such challenging times:
1. If you are repeating a word or phrase in your mind, move your lips and
whisper it. Engaging your mouth and lips will help pull your attention
away from the onrushing thoughts back to your object of concentration. Go back to repeating it silently in your mind after the involuntary
thoughts quiet down.
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2. If you are watching your breathing, temporarily take control of your
breath until your inner elephant quiets down. Taking control of
your breathing simply means you might start with three deep breaths
and then return to your normal breathing rate, adding perhaps one
second to each in-breath and out-breath. That one second asserts
your intention and will help maintain your focus on the breath.
When your mind calms down, return to watching your natural
breathing.
3. Another aid is to synchronize the word or phrase with your breathing.
If using a two-word mantra, you might say one word on the in-breath
and the second word on the out-breath. Or you might count to ten
synchronously with your breathing. You can say ‘‘one’’ silently (or
out loud if needed) during your first in-breath and again with your
first out-breath. Then say ‘‘two’’ silently during your second in-breath
and again with your out-breath. After counting for ten breaths, start
over with the number one. Do not set goals for how far you can count,
because that is inner-elephant thinking rather than staying in the
present moment. Maintain your passive attitude by being content with
counting to ten.
For example, here is one manager’s experience with gaining control
during a mindfulness meditation:
On a Sunday morning when my family was out of town, I decided
to meditate for thirty minutes with no distractions. It was difficult to
remain focused and keep my monkey mind quiet. I noticed the buzz
of the cicadas outside, the roar of my neighbor’s car, and my cell
phone message beeper. The harder I tried to stop the thoughts from
coming into my head, the faster they came. I knew I had to just let
go and not try so hard to block my thoughts. I said ‘‘breathe in’’
and ‘‘breathe out’’ as I breathed to help reduce distracting thoughts.
Counting to eight while inhaling and backwards from eight while
exhaling was even more effective. After several minutes of breathing
and letting go, I achieved a blank mind for brief intervals, during
which I experienced a remarkable sense of peace, intense pleasure,
and periods of overwhelming joy and excitement. Was this nirvana?
I felt my ‘‘presence’’ increase, and my field of vision seemed wider.
When I was distracted with a specific thought, I could feel my field of
vision narrow and my presence-in-the-moment shrink.
This is a nice example of positive outcomes from an intentional effort
to meditate and calm an otherwise jumping mind.
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Remember This
Remember Two Essentials
•
Meditation takes mental effort and focus to get started. Practice meditation at the same time and place each day.
•
Essential 1 is a passive attitude.
•
Essential 2 is to have a mental anchor or object on which to
concentrate.
•
If you are unable to hold your focus,
❒
Repeat the anchor word out loud.
❒
Take control of your breathing by extending each natural
breath by one second.
❒
Synchronize your mental anchor word and your breathing.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation is a Buddhist technique taught as watching the
breath rather than repeating a word or phrase. Paying attention to
your breath means focusing on the nostrils, the sensation of air moving
in and out of your body, or the movement in your belly. Focusing on the
tip of the nostrils and ‘‘watching’’ (or feeling) the touch of the breath on
the nostrils works for most people. It is quite simple. Just focus on the
breath for ten to twenty minutes, or however long you want to meditate.
Focusing on your breath focuses your mind on the present moment.
Breathing is happening right now. Of course your elephant mind will
jump away to other thoughts. When these thoughts arise, observe them
without attachment.
You may experience some dilemma between concentration and relaxed
awareness. Initially, most effort goes into concentration. As you progress,
the idea is to concentrate on your breathing, but with not too much
effort. Relaxed concentration is the key. Mindfulness meditation is about
focusing just enough to be aware of your breathing while also being
aware of other thoughts and impressions that come into your mind as
well as sensations in your body. Try to be aware of your breath and
notice whatever else is happening inside. Nonattachment means you just
observe whatever thoughts and feelings arise and let them come and go
without buying in to them, controlling them, or fighting them.
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Valerie, an EMBA student, was tired and apprehensive about the first
exam of the term.
I could not quiet my mind and get into studying. So for thirty
minutes I let myself relax and do nothing but sit and watch my
breath. I had many thoughts, but did not dwell on them, letting them
fade away. It worked better than I expected. After thirty minutes, I felt
refreshed, calm, and less apprehensive about the amount of work to
do in preparation for the exam. I managed to stay focused much
better with less anxiety.
You cannot develop nonattachment by force. Like Valerie, try to
remain undisturbed, unaffected, and uninvolved with the thoughts and
images in your mind. Gently bring your mind back to present-moment
breathing whenever a thought takes it away. This is nonattachment
toward your inner elephant. This letting go will let your mind settle like
a glass of muddy water. If you are patient and don’t stir the water, the
mud will settle to the bottom of the glass, leaving clear water above. Over
time, lessened attachment will quiet your inner elephant and strengthen
your inner executive.
Focusing on the breath brings your mind into present-moment awareness and lowers the noise level of constant inner chatter. When the
noise has subsided, the reality of peace and being emerges. This new
reality has been hidden by the noise of the inner elephant much as the
sun is blocked by clouds. The quiet mind allows the sun to shine. If
the mind is especially agitated, take a few deep breaths, and with each
exhale imagine the tensions and pressures being released from within
you. Then let your body breathe normally. Avoid extreme breathing,
including holding the breath to get a physical effect, which can cause
unintended damage.
Deirdre moved into a new house and was feeling overwhelmed.
I decided to meditate. I felt the urge to unpack the boxes around me,
and my thoughts were self-critical. I felt guilty and unproductive for
sitting still. I just watched the urge and focused on my breath. Near
the end of twenty minutes, each moment was like a special treat
for all the hard work I had been doing. I actually started to relax.
Something inside me thanked me for the downtime. I was more
focused and productive the rest of the day. This was a profound
experience for me. I am now meditating each morning. I get up earlier,
have a relaxed breakfast, and start the day off more calm. It is easier
to stay in the executive part of my brain when I begin the day with a
relaxed mind.
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Mindfulness meditation represents a substantive change compared
to how people normally handle distracting or negative thoughts and
emotions. The idea here is to let go, allow the urge and thought— even
a negative depressive thought, a criticism of self or other, the feeling
of anger or frustration—and just watch it. Just be with it. View these
difficult thoughts with a kind awareness rather than try to fight, suppress,
or resist them. There is no need to solve or fix anything that arises. Just
let thoughts pass by like a gentle breeze on a spring day. Jon KabatZinn quoted a colleague who said she thought meditation practice ‘‘was
all about aiming the attention and then sustaining that focus moment
by moment.’’14 That captures meditation as I understand it. And as you
practice mindfulness meditation, you will find value in making it a way of
life rather than a technique. Rather than meditate for twenty minutes and
then stop, let yourself expand your focus and peaceful state throughout
larger portions of the day.
• TRY THIS •
Practice Mindfulness Meditation
1. Sit quietly in a comfortable position with eyes closed.
2. Focus on the breath to stay in the present moment.
3. Expand awareness to thoughts and feelings.
4. Stay nonattached to anything that arises within.
5. Do not resist or suppress unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
6. Extend the peaceful mental state to other parts of your day.
Chapter Six described the power of mental visualization to influence your
inner elephant’s behavior. The same is true for meditation, for which
many visualizations to heal specific emotions have been designed and
published in books on visualization. Here is my favorite visualization to
use during a short meditation:
Imagine there is a lump of black coal in the region of your heart. Use
your mind to fan the coal with your breath. Visualize the lump of
coal in your chest, inhale, and then direct your exhale towards the
lump and fan it into ignition. Continue fanning the coal for several
minutes until the ember is visualized as red-hot in the region of your
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heart. Once fully glowing, this ember will provide inner warmth and
peace.15
I and several of my acquaintances have also used a light (Jyoti)
meditation as a simple and efficient way to tame the inner elephant. It
was originally proposed by Zoroaster to his followers and is also included
in suggested meditation practices by Indian spiritual teacher Sathya Sai
Baba.16 Here is a shorthand version:
First, sit in a comfortable posture in which your back is relatively
straight. Light a candle, the flame of which you can easily observe.
Close your eyes, relax your mind, and become calm by whatever
means you prefer. When calm and centered, open your eyes and gaze
steadily at the candle flame. This might last a minute or so to impress
the flame in your mind in the region between the eyebrows. Maintain
your focus on the image as you bring it into your mind and hold it
for a few seconds.
Now bring the flame downward to the region of the heart. Hold
the light near the heart and allow it to gradually expand outward to
fill the chest area. Now, slowly and with concentration, begin to move
the flame throughout your body. Bring the flame upward to the area
of the throat, jaw, and tongue, bathing them in light for several
seconds. Then bring the flame upward to the ears for a few seconds,
then to the eyes. You may divide the light into two parts and carry
the divided flame to the two ears and two eyes. Join the two flames
into one and bring it to the top of your head. Let the light inundate
your whole head until it is bright and clear. Now bring the light
down through the neck and divide it into two and slowly bring
it down through the arms into the hands. Bring the flame back up
the arms into the chest and slowly move down through the abdomen
and buttocks. Then split the light again and move it through your
legs down to your feet, shedding light as it travels. Repeat the process
of moving the flame carefully around the body with the intention to
purify each part.
After ten or fifteen minutes of bathing the inner body in that
resplendent light, spend a few moments sharing it with the world.
Reestablish the light in the heart and increase the flame to reach
out from your heart toward other human beings. Imagine bathing a
single person in the light from head to foot, starting with close family
members, then move to other relatives, friends, or acquaintances. Then
extend the light to people you may consider difficult or antagonistic.
Concentrate on bathing them in light and love. Finally, expand the
light to shine throughout your home, business, neighborhood, city,
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country, and finally bathe the whole world in the light that emanates
from the center of your heart. When finished, bring the light back into
your heart and slowly extinguish the flame. Remain quiet for a few
moments and then undertake your daily activities.
The light meditation is similar to Vipassana, a meditation technique
taught by the Buddha and currently taught in Vipassana centers around
the world. Typical classes are ten-day silent meditation retreats. Experienced meditators can sign up for longer retreats, such as for thirty days.
After developing their concentration to a fine focus, participants turn the
mind’s attention inward to search through the body for sensations. The
inner body’s arising sensations are the objects of focus during meditation.
The mind’s attention is moved slowly around the body, through the arms
and legs, chest, back, the head, face, hands, and feet, through muscles and over the surface of the skin to detect any sensations. The mind
also watches for automatic thoughts that arise. There is no mantra or
visualization. The Vipassana practice is to focus on moving the mind’s
attention through each part of the physical body.
• TRY THIS •
1. Visualize an ember of coal in your heart area to experience warmth
and peace.
2. Use the light meditation to bathe your inner form in light and
warmth.
3. Learn to extend the light through all parts of your head and body.
4. Then extend the light to other people and the world.
Of the meditation techniques I have tried over the years, I felt I made
the greatest progress when I focused directly on the random thoughts
that arose in my mind. You can do the same in your mind by imagining
yourself as a cat sitting outside a mouse hole, fully alert, waiting to
pounce on any mouse that emerges. That mouse is the next thought,
and if you concentrate hard, you will see it coming. If you see it, it will
fade away. By focusing on the thoughts, at last I was experiencing some
quiet space between thoughts, which is called the still point. When I was
able to see the thoughts directly, suddenly they scattered and disappeared
like minnows in a shallow stream. It felt weird at first for the chatter to
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subside, but it is during the expanding quiet that real meditation occurs.
Mental chatter is like a veil blocking the light. As soon as your mind starts
to quiet down and remove the veil, you can start to see the light—the
empty space, the still point—rather than the veil of thoughts from your
inner elephant.
Contemplative Meditation
Another way to quiet the mind’s chatter and free up some quiet space
is to ask yourself questions or to contemplate a puzzlement. Asking a
question gives the mind something to focus on, and if the question or
puzzlement is difficult, your mind may stop chattering while it ponders
an answer. The inner elephant’s noisy chatter is stopped cold when it has
no instant reaction to a big question. A deep question or paradox will
engage the mind in reflection and listening for an answer. This is similar
to meditating on a Zen koan that the elephant mind cannot answer with
its simple logic, causing it to shut up temporarily. Deeper rumination is
required. An example of a Zen koan would be ‘‘What is the sound of
one hand clapping?’’ or ‘‘Who hears?’’ Another example of a puzzlement
requiring an answer on a deeper level is ‘‘Everything you think you are,
you are not; everything you think you are not, you are.’’ Close your
eyes right now and ask yourself one of these questions. Does your mind
go quiet while it ponders an answer? Retain your inward focus and
wait for the answer. During a longer meditation, you can slowly repeat
the question to yourself, leaving time between questions for answers to
emerge.
Joel S. Goldsmith (1892–1964), a Christian mystic who lived in the
United States, suggested that after you have relaxed and turned inward,
an effective meditation is to ponder on the subject, ‘‘What is God?’’ You
can ask yourself that question, perhaps repeating it slowly, and see what
happens. You might find yourself engaged in a dialogue with yourself
as possible answers arise. Goldsmith also recommended meditating on
biblical (or other scriptural) phrases, such as ‘‘I can of mine own self do
nothing,’’ ‘‘Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss,’’ or ‘‘I am that
I am.’’ You can also ponder the meaning of a single word, such as ‘‘soul’’
or ‘‘light.’’ Focusing the mind to contemplate deep issues to which there
is not an obvious answer tends to subdue random thinking. And the
answers can be pretty significant, going well beyond the elephant mind’s
typical reaction.
Starting with an inspirational or scriptural statement is called discursive
or contemplative meditation, which is an approach to meditation used
with religious subjects by Christians. You focus on and think about
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the subject phrase using your own reasoning and ideas. You can walk
around the concept in your mind, seeing it from many angles, developing
your own thoughts and interpretation. Discursive meditation takes more
effort and concentration than passively watching thoughts or repeating a
mantra. It is focused thinking.
Perhaps read over a verse a few times. Ponder what the text means.
Then close your eyes and repeat the verse over and over in your mind.
After exhausting the thoughts and ideas that come up within you, your
thinking may evolve into a conversation with your higher power, asking
its interpretation. Or your mind may go quiet, in which case you can
adopt a listening attitude. You can ask the higher power to reveal the
truth. You may hear something that is not your own thought, as if from
a higher consciousness. The point of discursive meditation is similar to
other meditation approaches. Because the ego or inner elephant focuses
mainly on itself, contemplation refocuses your mind to contemplate issues
bigger than yourself, the meaning of scripture, and a higher power. This
form of meditation engages and strengthens your inner executive and
will weaken your inner elephant’s mental meanderings.
• TRY THIS •
Practice Contemplative Meditation
A challenging question or puzzlement will hold the mind’s attention.
1. Select a phrase with meaning from scripture or philosophy writings.
2. Ponder the phrase by turning it over slowly in your mind.
3. Hold your focus and wait for answers to arise from within.
This chapter has touched lightly on the profound topic of meditation.
Meditation is a general practice of detaching from your inner elephant
rather than addressing specific issues you want to correct. The correction
will happen on its own. If you are drawn to the practice, I suggest
joining a meditation group, finding a teacher, or at least reading a few
books. Choose an approach that looks good to you. Regardless of the
approach chosen, the ultimate purpose of meditation is first to focus
the mind inward rather than outward, and then to make the mind
one-pointed to concentrate on one idea or thought to the exclusion of
all random thoughts. This practice leads to a quieter mind with more
space between thoughts. With practice, the inner elephant’s dysfunctional
thoughts, desires, and impulses begin to subside as your inner executive
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becomes dominant. The outcome is often better focus, a heightened
mood, and more energy. Although the techniques and practices in the
previous six chapters can help achieve outcomes similar to those of
meditation, meditation is probably the strongest approach to giving you
power over your inner elephant. You will know that your inner elephant
is losing influence when you experience more white space in your mind,
more flow in your work, more appreciation in your relationships, more
creativity, and more concern for other people. There are many, many
approaches to meditation to choose from. Remember, the best approach
to meditation is the one that appeals to you most.
PART SIX
•
Can You Lead
from a People
Frame of
Reference?
•
15
•
Change Your Frame
to See People
We are what we believe we are.
—Benjamin N. Cardozo
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision
for the limits of the world.
—Schopenhauer
when i was a kid growing up in Nebraska, my Uncle Wes was a
puzzle to me. He was married to my dad’s sister, and was the holder
of a college degree in agriculture, a sign that he’d had more education
than most of the family. My puzzlement had to do with his personal
style. Weston spent time with his boys, whereas my dad spent most of
his time running his small business. Weston and Winnie (my aunt) took
my grandmother out for lunch and an ice cream on Sundays, whereas
we seldom visited her. Weston had a warmth, kindness, and gentleness
about him that I did not understand. He did not square with the macho
images in my mind of a strong man.
Weston Furrer was a farm manager. He supervised rental farmland for
absentee owners as an employee of Farmers National. He seemed to do
well. He and his family had a nice house in Lincoln. As I grew up and
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244
went off to college, I would occasionally hear news about Weston. He
was promoted to regional manager. Later on he was promoted again.
I felt dissonance. How could someone so gentle be promoted upward
in a company? He did not personify the kick-butt Lone Ranger–John
Wayne style of leadership I envisioned as ideal. He was not a know-it-all,
take-charge guy in my view. John Wayne always had the right answers.
I launched into my career as a business school academic, and lost
track of Weston’s family. The last thing I heard was that Uncle Wes was
being considered for promotion to president of his company. He had
also been considered for a top position at a competing firm. This blew
my mind—the person I saw as an unassuming Mr. Milquetoast being
considered to run a company. I was skeptical that it would happen.
Then, in 1983, shortly after I started subscribing to magazines to learn
about the world of business, I received a copy of Fortune magazine.
On the cover was a feature story about the farm crisis (thousands of
foreclosures). I flipped to the article, and there was a large photo of my
uncle and his management team. He had been promoted to president,
and the article told about how well managed the company was and
what a great job Farmers National was doing by ramping up to take
on thousands of additional farms. Fortune magazine had legitimacy
in my mind. Clearly there was something excellent about Uncle Wes’s
leadership that I did not understand.
A year later, I heard about a family get-together that Weston would
attend. I decided to go and find out directly from Uncle Wes the qualities
that propelled him upward at Farmers National. I arrived prior to a meal,
and managed to sit next to him. It was great to see him, and after we chatted a bit, I asked the question. ‘‘Uncle Wes, how do you account for your
rise at Farmers National? What do you do well that took you to the top
of the company?’’ He thought for a moment. ‘‘I would say my strength
has to do with people. I spend time making sure people are right for the
job. A big part of what I have done is to identify people who are wrong
for the job. As soon as I saw that someone was not working out, I would
talk to them and help them find a position elsewhere. Many of them later
thanked me, because they were not suited to the farm management business.’’ As we talked, it became clear to me that this humble person really
cared about people and did everything with their best interest in mind.
Yet he was no milquetoast. He was quick to hold people accountable and
even fire them for poor performance, but he did so out of compassion
and helpfulness rather than frustration and anger. The team he assembled
at each level as he moved upward was pretty remarkable. Even today,
most senior managers at Farmers National are people Uncle Wes hired.
Talking to Wes resolved my dissonance. My youthful images of leadership were based on a myth of a task-focused, self-oriented, individualistic
change your frame to see people
245
hero. It made more sense that a successful leader would rely heavily on
other people, have the interpersonal skills to engage them in achieving a
company’s purpose, and have the strength to quickly replace people who
don’t work out. The biggest shift in thinking for me was to embrace the
idea that for a leader to be effective, compassion could be as valuable as
toughness. Uncle Wes’s style crystallized for me as I read more publications on leadership. I grew up with his humility and kindness, but did
not recognize it as leadership. As president, he used a combination of
kindness and accountability to run the farm management business.
•••
Your frame of reference is the angle or lens through which you view
the world, a perspective based on your ideas, beliefs, theories, and
assumptions. We each see our personal version of reality and act from it.
This frame is what guides you as a leader. It sets the boundaries within
which you make decisions and take action. Your life experience shapes
your frame of reference, but as you become conscious of your frame, you
can begin to change and expand it, as happened to me via Uncle Wes.
One example of a frame through which people may view the world is
that of liberal versus conservative. If you watch the talking heads on cable
news programs, you have seen commentators in either camp interpret
‘‘hard data’’ in opposite ways to suit their conservative or liberal frame.
Another example of the power of frames is the story of the six blind men
who were given the opportunity to learn about an elephant by touching
it. They had no previous knowledge of elephants, so they would have to
‘‘see’’ through their fingers. Each man touched a different part and saw
a different ‘‘elephant.’’ The elephant’s leg felt like a tree trunk; its tail, a
piece of rope; its side, a wall; the tusk, a spear; the trunk, a large snake;
and the flapping ear, a large fan. The six blind men, excited about their
discoveries, returned to their village and told others about the elephant.
Each was convinced of his own conclusion and persuaded others. The
blind men and their followers argued with one another, defending their
respective viewpoints. Followers argued the rope philosophy versus the
tree trunk philosophy, the fan doctrine versus the big-snake doctrine,
the truth of a wall versus the truth of a spear. The respective groups
were each convinced of its own view, and never did learn the larger truth
about the elephant based on their collective knowledge.
•••
Previous chapters of this book have dealt with specific practices to
strengthen your inner executive to deal with undesired thoughts and
246
actions of your inner elephant. This chapter explores a more fundamental
issue: that of the worldview or cognitive frame within which your
thoughts arise. Your frame is anchored in your assumptions and most
basic beliefs. Your view of the world guides and limits your interpretations
and how you think. Mahatma Gandhi expressed the importance of basic
beliefs this way:
Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
We thus see things in a somewhat limited and predictable way through
our frame of mind, an attitude or worldview that seems real and solid
to our inner elephant. A key frame for leaders is the frame through which
they view people. Through what frame do you see other people? This
chapter is about how frames of reference shape your leadership style and
behavior, and how you can change or expand your perspective about
people. Do you operate primarily from the small, self-oriented frame
of your inner elephant or from the larger, other-oriented frame of your
inner executive?
What Is Your Frame?
Please read the instructions that follow and write down your responses.1
1. Think of a specific situation in which you were working with someone who was in a leadership position over you and who did something
wrong for you. The leader could be a formal or informal authority figure,
including a boss, chair, coach, teacher, project manager, committee head
at a volunteer organization, and so on. ‘‘Wrong’’ means that the specific
behavior reduced your performance or motivation or that of the team of
which you were a part. Write a few words that describe what the leader
did that was wrong for you. (If you think of multiple examples, write
down all of them.)
2. Think of a specific situation in which you were working with
someone who was in a leadership position over you and who did
something right for you. Again, you may think of any formal or informal
authority figure, and ‘‘right’’ means that the specific behavior enhanced
your performance or motivation or that of the team. Write a few words
247
that describe what the leader did that was right for you. (Write multiple
examples if you can.)
3. Compare your answers to the answers in Table 15.1, which were
provided by a group of managers from an international manufacturing
company. Are there answers in the list similar to yours?
4. The next step is for you to study the two lists carefully and identify
underlying themes associated with wrong (low-performance) and right
(high-performance) leadership. What themes do you see that capture the
essence of leader wrong and leader right? Take a moment to study the lists
before resuming reading.
Management groups typically come up with several themes based on
their lists, related to communication, empowerment, respect, recognition, development and support of others, security, direction and
vision, and ethics. These themes provide a good model of leadership
attributes that will foster high performance among a team of direct
reports.
5. What is the one thing that best captures or explains the differences
between the leader wrong and leader right lists in Table 15.1? You have
to dig beneath the surface. Or think of it this way: If a leader had the
characteristics of either ‘‘wrong’’ or ‘‘right,’’ what personal attribute or
quality would underlie the characteristics on the list?
I have used this exercise with about seventy management groups, and
the consistent ‘‘one thing’’ answer is the attribute of self-centeredness
or ego-centeredness underlying the characteristics in the left column
versus other-centeredness underlying those in the right column. The
underlying leadership and performance issue is how leaders view others
and themselves.
Most of the behaviors in the left column of Table 15.1 are based
in ego-centeredness—a worldview concerned primarily with one’s own
interests. The inner elephant is dominant. This worldview corresponds
to Abraham Maslow’s ‘‘deficiency of love motivation’’ that puts oneself
first and sees other people in terms of one’s own needs and desires. The
second column represents a larger picture, a focus on and concern for
other people. This frame is comparable to Maslow’s ‘‘love or growth
motivation’’ that can put others first and is able to serve their needs.
The two lists represent fundamental frames or viewpoints about others,
wherein other people are seen either as a way to meet our needs or as
worthy of respect, development, and service from us.2
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Table 15.1. Leader Wrong and Leader Right
Leader Wrong
Leader Right
Lack of understanding
Not taking responsibility
Threats, scare tactics
Overbearing personality
Micromanager
Impulsive reactions
No concern for employees
No recognition for achievements
Sell you down the river
Lack of respect
Self-serving behavior
Inconsistent standards
Dishonesty
Demotivating words
Controlling
Did not keep word
Closed minded
Undermined decision making
Demeaning
Ruled by fear
Took the credit
No direction
Unapproachable
No coaching
Verbally abusive
Problem avoidance
No commitment to company
Only ‘‘my way’’
Blamed others for his mistakes
No guidance
Credit hog
Avoidance
Unethical
Knee-jerk reactions
Failure to communicate expectations
Lack of communication
Refusing to listen
Control freak
Not take accountability
Set poor example
Poor communication
Blocked promotions
Praised publicly
Asked my opinion
Developed people
Recognized individual/team
Excellent training
Trusted my decision
Gave credit
Empowered me
Encouraged independence
Trustworthy and supportive
Criticism at right time
Developed people effectively
Objective
Demonstrated integrity
Humility
Consistent
Empowerment
Encouragement
Empathy
Sincere coaching
Shared responsibility
Went out of way to support group
Supported after mistake
Listened
Provided opportunities
Trusted
Fact-based decision
Fought for people
Supportive coach
Concern for employees
Gave responsibility
Genuinely interested
Fair rewards
Open minded/flexible
Objective
Sharing power/information
Clear goals
Listened to business case
Delegation
Constructive feedback
Did right for company
Gave away credit
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Remember This
What Is Your Frame?
1. Everyone has a distinct frame of reference.
2. The ‘‘leader wrong’’ frame of reference is based on deficiency of
love, puts self first, and sees others as means of serving one’s own
interests.
3. The ‘‘leader right’’ frame is based on love or growth motivation,
puts others first, and respects their needs.
4. A leader’s frame influences the motivation of others:
❒
Self-centered leadership behaviors lead to lower motivation
and performance.
❒
Other-centered leadership behaviors lead to higher motivation
and performance.
5. People see others through a self-centered frame more often than
they realize.
Now, here is the key question: What is your frame? The two lists in
Table 15.1 are not just about your leaders; they are about you, too. If
the behaviors in the second column are more effective, you need to ask
yourself how often you come across to others with behaviors perceived
to be in the first column. Your inner elephant, with the assistance of your
internal attorney and magician, has likely been telling you that your style
is in column 2. But I assure you that we all display a bigger portion of
column 1 in our behavior toward direct reports and colleagues than we
realize.
Please look at the two columns again. The two frames represented by the
columns in Table 15.1 see either ‘‘objects’’ or ‘‘humanness’’ with respect
to other people. These frames represent the I-It and I-Thou attitudes
described by Martin Buber.3 I-It is a relationship of subject to object
characterized by separateness and detachment. People are seen as things
that are less real, more distant, and somewhat inferior to how you see
yourself. I-Thou is a relationship of subject to subject, characterized by
seeing a person’s whole being. Other people are seen as just as real and
human as you see yourself.
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You may not even realize that you view other people as objects to meet
your needs. If the nature of your childhood was deficient in love, your
natural inner elephant probably sees through an objects frame, requiring
intentional effort on your part to see through a humanness frame. If the
column 2 humanness frame is more dominant in you, you may find yourself sliding into column 1 objects-frame thinking if you are under stress
or pressure, are in a bad mood, or are feeling fearful about your position or job, and hence are trying harder to control things to meet your
needs. The objects frame can also dominate if the organizational culture
expects and socializes people to see employees or customers as objects.
For example, Sean, an HR manager for a software firm, told me that he
saw people through an objects frame during a downsizing. He distanced
himself, and said he could hardly look at people who were to be laid off.
‘‘I just wanted those people out of my sight.’’ He was unable to reach out
and provide emotional support. Kate, a supervisor in a manufacturing
plant, said that she ‘‘turned into a monster during a product changeover.’’
Kate was responsible for the change project, and as it slipped behind
schedule, she saw people as her enemy and would attack them to get
things moving faster. Looking back, she saw that the ‘‘monster’’ approach
did not work and created resentment and more resistance. Kate wished
she could have maintained a more supportive approach to help people
through that difficult time. World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz was
said to have failed in that job because he demonized bank officers as the
enemy rather than see them as partners. He tried to impose his ideas
unilaterally, and saw people who disagreed with him as either corrupt
or incompetent. Rather than form alliances based on respect, Wolfowitz
alienated senior managers, leading to his removal as president, even after
he promised to change his management style.4 The important point is
that you, like Sean and Kate and Wolfowitz, see others through an objects
frame probably more than you realize.
•••
Do you doubt that you see others through an objects frame? Here’s an
easy test. Have you flown on Southwest Airlines? Imagine boarding in the
‘‘A’’ group and finding a comfortable aisle seat. As passengers come down
the aisle toward you, do you see them as a potential threat to the middle
seat that you would like to keep vacant? Perhaps you read a newspaper
to avoid eye contact, or place your briefcase or book in the middle seat to
signal that it is taken. Maybe you get out your handkerchief and start
coughing as if sick, so no one will sit beside you. Your mind is seeing
people as objects who threaten to thwart you in your desire for an empty
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middle seat. If you were to adopt the humanness frame, you would see
people coming down the aisle as tired human beings whom you welcome
to rest in the seat beside you.
How do you view other drivers when you drive your car? Do you
ever objectify them, honk at them, or criticize them in your mind simply
because they don’t drive in a way that meets your need? If a driver goes
slowly when you are in a hurry, do you see the driver with compassion?
More likely you are filled with critical thoughts. I remember being in a
hurry to an important meeting when the car in front of me in the left-turn
lane broke down. The other lanes were full, so I could not go around the
car. My reaction was to honk and think the driver should get that junk
heap out of the way. My objects frame was in full bloom. As I calmed
down, I was able to see with a more humanistic viewpoint that helping
the driver would be the right thing to do for me, the other driver, and the
traffic flow. My meeting could wait a few minutes.
The objectification of others that afflicts many managers shows up as
a lack of trust and respect and as overmanaging people. The pressures
in business combined with the desire for personal success and profit
reinforce the view of people as objects to be manipulated for our gain.
The objects frame can take over your thinking any time at home or
work. In the book Leadership and Self-Deception, the authors describe
a manager’s reaction when his wife wants him to get up in the middle
of the night to attend to a crying baby so she can sleep.5 The husband’s
objects frame instantly flared up to objectify his wife and judge her as
lazy, inconsiderate, insensitive and unappreciative, a faker, and a lousy
mom and wife, simply because he did not want to get up. His concern was
strictly for himself, as he unconsciously inflated his own value and virtue
as a hard-working and important person and a good husband, while
casting blame on his wife as an object of derision. The objects frame
cannot see the humanness in another person or see another person’s
needs and concerns as equal to one’s own.
Once you see the frame through which you view other people, you
can begin to get a handle on it. Nell Minow, cofounder of the Corporate
Library, shared her experience:
One thing that helped move my thinking forward was that I noticed
in my first job that there was something very definitional in who was
included in somebody’s ‘‘we’’ and who was included in somebody’s
‘‘them.’’ I found generally that the more expansive the assumptions
that were within somebody’s idea of who is ‘‘we’’—the larger the
group that you included in that ‘‘we’’—the better off everybody was.
I started to really do my best to make sure that my notion of ‘‘we’’
was very expansive and to promote that idea among other people.6
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Indra Nooyi, head of PepsiCo, said she learned from her father to
always assume positive intent. Whatever a person says or does, assume
positive intent—a people frame—which means seeing a person as a
sincere human being. ‘‘When you assume negative intent, you’re angry.
If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be
amazed. . . . You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying
to understand and listen.’’7 Jacquelyn Kosecoff, CEO of Prescription
Solutions, said something similar about meeting with others: ‘‘Assumepositive intent. It’s one of the ways to sort of keep communication on
the high road. Perhaps somebody was misunderstood, or they misheard
something. . . . It’s very likely to be simply a misunderstanding. And it
tends to, I think, breed a lot more trust and respect among us.’’8
Assuming positive intent means seeing through a humanness frame,
which is not always easy. When a direct report makes a mistake that really
annoys you or hurts your feelings, you may take an unbalanced, overly
negative view of that person as a poor team player or a troublemaker
causing conflict, as having a bad attitude, lack of motivation, or lack of
engagement or commitment. These conclusions are distortions brought
on by the inner elephant’s fear, hurt, bad mood, and need to protect
itself. These negative-frame thoughts are not good data on which to act,
because there is no empathy or understanding of the other’s view or
situation.
When my wife and I were helping produce one of her plays in distant
cities, there were often sharp disagreements with other producers or
with local theater people. We adopted the rule that we would not make
a decision while upset or angry. I offer you the same advice. Don’t make
decisions when you are in a bad frame of mind, because that is when
it feels urgent to speak or take action, usually the wrong action. Don’t
push the Send button when you are in a bad frame. You will write
a different e-mail when your upset passes. Words and actions from a
balanced perspective that includes seeing the other person’s point of view
will be more realistic and have greater positive impact on outcomes.
Remember This
•
Two primary frames toward people are the objects frame and
the humanness frame.
•
The objects frame sees others as ‘‘they’’ and as distant and separate from ‘‘we.’’
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•
A stressful situation may trigger a strong objects frame toward
another.
•
You may witness your objects frame during everyday occurrences, such as when driving or when upset.
•
When you observe that you are in an objects frame, do not act
on it.
How to Change Your Frame
Nirvan told me his story at an academic conference. I was taken by his
warmth (for an academic) and his superb teaching scores, so I inquired
about them. Nirvan had given up a high-paying executive position at a
bank to get a PhD.
He did well teaching as a graduate student, but asked the teaching
center to evaluate his performance in class. The evaluation was positive,
especially for his excellent organization and presentation of content. But,
the evaluator told him, ‘‘You didn’t ever smile.’’ That statement woke up
something in Nirvan. He had never thought about smiling. Later on he
looked back at old photos of himself, and, indeed, he was never smiling.
He was sullen. As a bank executive, he had had perhaps four hundred
people reporting to him. He had been considered ‘‘nice,’’ but hadn’t really
paid attention to people. He had not been disliked, but his interactions
had not been satisfying. He had been very serious. ‘‘I had intensity, but
not passion. I couldn’t give a warm response. As a manager, I was all
head and no heart.’’ He went on, ‘‘One older manager broke down and
cried in my office when I gave him a moderate performance evaluation.
He said, ‘You never encouraged me. You never told me.’ I thought I had.
The disconnect was in me.’’
Thanks to the ‘‘smile’’ comment, Nirvan set out to change himself.
First, he watched others who had a softer demeanor, and he identified
people who could serve as role models. He hung around people who
laughed and smiled, who were warm, and who cared about the person,
not just an idea. He aspired to be lighter, more radiant. Nirvan had a
background in Eastern religion, and tried various exercises and practices.
His favorite reading was a condensed Bhagavad Gita, and he started
repeating favorite verses to himself during the day. One of the Gita
verses said that all people have the same soul. When he dealt with people
toward whom he previously would have felt little tolerance for their
low intellect, he would look into their heart to see them as the same as
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himself. He also tried meditation, in which he would focus on sound.
He would notice sounds previously unheard—cars on the highway, a
garbage truck, a bird’s song, the wind, his computer, someone talking.
He used his new focus and presence to pay close attention to everyone
with whom he spoke. Conversations with his mother were always boring,
but now when visiting her he would stay focused for thirty minutes and
listen to whatever she wanted to talk about. As he became more present
and less judgmental, he noticed positive changes in his relationships, and
his new behaviors were easier to repeat.
I asked if other factors helped his dramatic change in frame. One was
that he had a friend who understood what he was doing and to whom he
could talk about the issues when needed. Also, as a PhD student, he could
find time to be introspective, which was harder to do in his executive
position. He also said, ‘‘I previously told people about what I thought,
and waited for them to respond. It was self-centered. I started watching
how much I talked in a conversation. I became more of a listener, asking
questions.’’ Then he finished with, ‘‘Perhaps the most important thing
was that I forced myself to smile, and now it comes naturally.’’ I can
vouch for that. Whenever I meet Nirvan, I feel warmth from the light of
that smile.
•••
Like Nirvan, many managers see the world through an objects frame
much of the time. Many people, myself included, are like a fish unaware
of the water because their objects frame of mind is so much a part of their
everyday thinking. Our extant worldview is the only thing we know.
How can we change? The first step is to ‘‘see’’ or be the witness
to your lack of human concern. A medical resident auditing my class
told me he became aware of his lousy bedside manner. He traced his
coldness to negative judgments he made toward many patients. Once he
saw his negative opinions, he began blocking those negative thoughts,
prepping himself with positive thoughts as he met each patient. He
used intentional positive thoughts, similar to autosuggestion, to shift the
frame of reference through which he saw patients. He was happy with
the change.
Tom Coughlin, one of the last of the old school NFL head coaches,
came across as an unsmiling martinet, with a tight-lipped, freezing stare.
A micromanager of the first order, he was voted the NFL’s least-liked
coach in a Sports Illustrated poll of players.9 After a disappointing year,
Coughlin’s bosses at the Giants wanted him to lighten up. Coughlin heard
the message. ‘‘I may be a dinosaur, but I can change,’’ he said. ‘‘I can
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be more patient.’’10 This was the start of his self-initiated personality
makeover. He started listening to comments and feedback. He appointed
a leadership council of players to meet with him regularly and help players
police themselves. Rather than snap and snarl at reporters, he sat down
with them individually to get to know them better. He would occasionally
make a joke. He canceled practice one day and took the players bowling.
The New York Giants as a team came together.11 The year of Coughlin’s
personality change was the year the Giants won the Super Bowl.
When do you see people with criticalness or with humanness, with
negative judgment or with understanding? It is easy for a manager’s
mind to be focused on goals, tasks, rewards, costs, profits, operations,
marketing, and the next step in a career, and therefore fail to see the
humanness in people around him or her. You can use your witness
to observe your thoughts toward others, or you can think back over
previous work situations and the view you held toward other people.
Becoming aware of your own frame of mind is like becoming aware of
colored glasses. You can remove the glasses when needed, or at least
accommodate your perception to allow for the tint.
How do you awaken a frame of love and compassion? One easy
exercise is a mantra. Tom Coughlin made up his own mantras to help
him change his frame toward players—for example, ‘‘Be smart about it’’
and ‘‘Put a smile on your face.’’12 Each time you have a critical thought
toward another person, you can replace it with a mantra of kindness and
interest in the person’s well-being, such as ‘‘May you have peace and
harmony,’’ or offset it with a counterthought, such as ‘‘I am loving people
more’’ or ‘‘I am accepting people more.’’ Keep the mantra going until
you feel your frame of mind toward the person begin to shift.
Probably the quickest way to shift your frame is to serve others. It is
hard to objectify someone during an act of service. Here is an example
from the corporate world. The integration of the Borg-Warner Chemicals
acquisition into GE Plastics was not going well. After years of intense
competition among the companies’ managers, mutual trust was low. The
cultures were opposite in many ways, and managers were hesitant about
working with the ‘‘enemy.’’ Joel Hutt and the team charged with the
annual corporate meeting had an idea: instead of an annual golf outing,
why not perform a service project that would have enduring value? This
might knock down the mental barriers between the two camps. Five
projects, such as completely refurbishing a rundown YMCA and rebuilding a community center, were selected. Each project would engage about
five hundred people for one long day. Members of smaller work teams
(windows, carpet, painting, grounds, and so on) were carefully selected
to include people from both cultures and various hierarchical levels.
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The result was stunning. The camaraderie across cultures was beyond
what organizers could have hoped for. After everyone had spent a day
pounding nails together in service of a nonprofit, the perception of each
other as rivals or enemies or as the ‘‘competition’’ disappeared. The
participants saw each other as human beings, friends, and teammates.13
People cannot hold on to a subject-object perspective toward people
when performing service activities elbow-to-elbow with them. Serving
a higher purpose and being in close contact engage the higher subjectsubject frame through which to view others. The bank KeyCorp gets the
same result every year among its employees with its ‘‘Neighbors Make
the Difference’’ day that does good works for twelve hundred public and
private agencies.14 When the bosses and underlings get dirt and paint
on themselves together, and the underlings are in charge of the service
projects, perceived differences between people melt away pretty quickly.
You can also develop the humanness frame by understanding that love
is a state that you can choose to be in, not something caused by other
people. You may think of love as a special feeling saved for a special
relationship with your spouse or children. Or perhaps love is for your
favorite team, your new car, golf, or some other activity. Your inner
elephant thinks of love as something that happens when favorite people
or things awaken good feelings in you. This ‘‘love’’ is typically your
inner elephant’s identification with or desire for something. The inner
executive is bigger. Rather than ‘‘do what you love,’’ the inner executive
can learn to ‘‘love what you do.’’ Rather than ‘‘be with the one you love,’’
the inner executive can intentionally ‘‘love the one you are with.’’ Your
inner executive can override your inner elephant’s negative view toward
others. Once you are conscious of the negative frame through which you
view another person, you can start to change the frame. Awareness is the
first 50 percent of the change.
The MBA students and managers I teach and coach have tried many
ideas covered in this book to change the mental frame they are in, such as
employing a mantra or visualization, or have simply used their rational
understanding to see more deeply into people. One exercise I assign
is called See with Your Heart, which asks participants to intentionally
change their frame toward another person.15 It harnesses the inner
executive’s intention to change how one sees other people. Lisa, a highly
rational finance major, was one of many students dumbfounded when
she saw the sheer volume of her critical thoughts and her objectification
of others:
I have a low threshold for annoying beings. I glare at crying babies
on airplanes. I frown at the guy who talks too loud in restaurants.
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I throw up my hands in disgust at the driver who cuts in front of
me. So when I tried to garner caring sentiments for a person who
annoys me, it was difficult. I knew immediately a great candidate for
this exercise, someone who has annoyed me for a whole year. I first
thought about why she acts the way she does. Almost immediately
my executive helped me think about the fact that I do not know the
big picture. I only see snippets of her life. My elephant is quick to
judge on too little information. My next step was visualizing her and
repeating, ‘‘May you be at peace with yourself and all that is in your
life.’’ As I repeated I found my critical judgment softening and I was
feeling more empathetic, as if my executive was telling me, ‘‘We all
want to be at peace.’’ I found myself acting more warmly toward her,
and our interactions have become much more positive since.
Another MBA student reported a similar experience.
There are a few people at school who really annoy me based on what
I believe to be their shortcomings. It is easy to think about what they
should be doing differently. I found that focusing on them and
repeating the phrase, ‘‘May you have peace and harmony,’’ allowed
me to see these two individuals as imperfect human beings just like me.
It is easy to fall into the finger-pointing trap and to take inventory
of other people’s shortcomings. Wishing others goodwill, even those
I don’t care for, changed my perspective. As I talked to one of the
annoyers, I suddenly felt ashamed for being so selfish. I couldn’t
believe that I had been so blind. This guy was not trying to purposely
aggravate me, but was just craving some attention. Now I have an
entirely different outlook toward both individuals.
As you became conscious of your objects frame, a successful approach
is to slow down and use your rational mind to understand why the
person behaved as he or she did. Lisa transformed her viewpoint by
using her inner executive to look into individuals and imagine the life
circumstances that caused what her inner elephant thought was annoying
behavior. She could envision the person’s reactions based on childhood
conditioning, and understand that the individual was not displaying the
behavior to annoy her. Lisa’s ability to use rational understanding paid
off with a shift in her frame of reference from negative to mildly positive,
a big step.
When I was associate dean of the business school, I had to work
closely on a project with an associate dean from another school who
annoyed the heck out of me. My objects frame of reference took over,
and I saw him as an ego-centered jerk. I wanted to avoid him. My
solution was similar to Lisa’s. I was able to see him more rationally when
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I imagined the underlying causes of his personality and actions. I also did
visualizations in which I held him in my mind while calling up positive
feelings of compassion toward him. I think the visualization helped a lot.
Before a meeting with that associate dean, I would prepare myself by
understanding his unfortunate background and feeling compassion for
him, and visualizing myself accepting his behavior without annoyance.
This mental rehearsal solved the issue over time. By the fourth weekly
meeting after starting the visualization practice, I could actually feel
sympathy toward him during the meeting. This felt much better than the
inner annoyance that triggered my feelings of criticalness and dislike. I let
his behavior go right past me; hence I could work more rationally with
him to get the job done. I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I did was
similar to a forgiveness meditation.
• TRY THIS •
Practice Forgiveness Meditation
1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, take three deep breaths, and relax.
2. Bring to mind the person and situation in which you felt upset or
annoyed.
3. Visualize the situation as it occurred, and feel your negative
reaction.
4. Try to let go of your negative feelings. Release them. Let them drift
out of you.
5. Visualize yourself not being annoyed in that situation and in future
contacts with the annoying person and behavior.
6. Repeat as you visualize the person, ‘‘I forgive you.’’
7. Awaken feelings of compassion and understanding toward the
person.
Other exercises I use to help people shift frames ask them to awaken
feelings of appreciation. The following activities are effective.
APPRECIATION EXERCISES
1. At the end of the day, ask yourself about each interaction that day,
‘‘How was this person my teacher? What do I appreciate about this
person?’’ Can you see the positive learning you received from even the
annoying people?
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2. Spend seven minutes each morning for one week writing down everything you appreciate. Write down all the things you are grateful for. It
is okay to repeat items on the list each day. What kind of feeling does
this exercise awaken in you? Feelings of appreciation will pull you out
of the objects frame of mind.
3. Make a list of all the people you genuinely appreciate, whether they
are professional associates, friends, relatives, service providers, or even
the grocery store checkout clerk. Then pick one and contact him or her
to express your appreciation.
REMEMBER THIS
Change Your Frame
You can change your mental frame toward other people. The following practices will help.
•
Use your witness to observe your frame toward others.
Becoming aware of your frame is 50 percent of the way
toward changing it.
•
Learn to ‘‘love what you do’’ and ‘‘love the one you’re with.’’
•
Repeat a mantra, such as ‘‘May you have peace and
harmony,’’ to replace critical thoughts.
•
Serve others to awaken your or your team’s humanness frame.
•
See with your heart, which means to understand and accept
why the person behaves that way.
•
Try a forgiveness meditation.
•
Use an appreciation exercise.
You don’t have to give up performance standards to see other
people as human beings.
Strong leaders can be soft in their concern for the welfare of others.
When asked about his most important leadership lesson, Clarence Otis
Jr., CEO of Darden Restaurants, said the following: ‘‘It’s this notion
that leaders really think about others first. They think about the people
who are on the team, trying to help them get the job done. They think
about the people who they are trying to do a job for. Your thoughts are
always there first, and you think about what’s the appropriate response
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for whatever the audience is, and you think last about, ‘what does this
mean for me?’ ’’ Otis learned this lesson from his predecessor, Joe Lee,
who was CEO on 9/11. Lee called an all-employee meeting to ascertain
the location of all Darden people who were traveling. Then Lee said,
‘‘We’ve got a lot of Muslim teammates, managers in our restaurants,
employees in our restaurants, who are going to be under a lot of stress
during this period. And so, we need to make sure we are attentive to
that.’’ The lesson was not lost on Otis: ‘‘And that was pretty powerful.
Of all the things you could focus on that morning, he thought about the
people who were on the road and then our Muslim colleagues.’’16
If you are ready to change your frame from seeing objects to seeing
people, many of the practices in previous chapters will help you. For
example, calming yourself down, visualization, conducting an end-ofday review, or using a mantra such as ‘‘I am becoming more concerned
about people’’ will help facilitate your mental transition to a more human
frame of reference. Remember, you don’t have to give up performance
standards, boundaries, or self-discipline to see people as human beings.
My uncle Wes found it less stressful to treat low-performing people with
compassion as he helped them find other work. You will see people more
fully and be able to develop their potential, whether in your business or
elsewhere. You can become a terrific individual performer by focusing
on yourself and objectifying others. You will become a terrific leader by
focusing your primary concern on others.
16
•
Change Your Frame
to Ask Questions
The most erroneous stories are those we think we know
best—and therefore never scrutinize or question.
—Steven J. Gould
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can
tell whether a man is wise by his questions.
—Naguib Mahfouz
david wolfskehl started a business at age twenty-four. He quickly
found that being top leader of his own company presented a real
challenge. Feeling that he had to gain the respect of his small group of
employees, Wolfskehl acted like an alpha male who had all the answers.
He’d stand before his employees at weekly staff meetings expounding on
what needed to be done and how to do it. But after a few years of not
getting results, Wolfskehl decided to take a different approach. Despite
his fear, he went into the staff meeting one morning and did something
simple yet remarkable: he asked a question! With that one act, Wolfskehl
started his company on a transformation that accelerated the growth
of his small business, Action Fast Print. ‘‘I was worried that everyone
was going to tell me all the things I was doing wrong,’’ he says now.
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‘‘[But] once I started asking how I could help, amazing things started
happening.’’1
From Answering Questions to Asking Questions
Like many of us, Wolfskehl had been socially conditioned to think he had
to have the right answers to succeed. From grade school through college
and in our first jobs, we are rewarded for giving the right answers to
questions. As students, we would wave our hand in class to show we had
the right answer, we received high grades for giving the right answers on
tests, and we were marked down for wrong answers. Preschool children
may start out as question marks, but they end up as periods. We grew up
in a right-answer world. As we move on to work and a career, again we
believe that having right answers is the way to get ahead.
Is it any wonder that many leaders retain the frame of reference that
assumes when someone comes to them with a problem, their job is to
provide the right answer? They pride themselves on having right answers
to solve problems, knowing how to do things right, and never showing
doubt. After all, what is their experience for? Leaders may even fear
that not having an answer means that followers will lose respect or
confidence in them. And there lies the challenge. How can a leader let go
of being the doer, the expert, the answer person? Expecting things to be
done your way often comes across as micromanagement, which is not an
effective way to motivate people.
How can you stop viewing yourself as the expert and instead encourage people to provide their own right answers and right actions? Greg
Cushard, founder and head of Rubicon Oil, would interrupt conversations, call people out on mistakes, and make mundane decisions. To
resolve his micromanagement, he started walking away from meetings
to let others take turns leading in his place.2 Other managers solve the
problem by setting goals and letting direct reports fill in the details—a
good idea, because most employees hate and resist micromanagement.
A simple way to shift your frame out of the right-answer mind-set is
to ask questions. The higher you go in a company, the more important
it becomes to ask questions rather than have answers. The journey to
leadership knowledge often begins with curiosity and questions, not
answers. A study of geniuses, such as Einstein, Mozart, Aristotle, Freud,
and da Vinci, found that a common characteristic was the habit of
asking basic questions. ‘‘Geniuses tend to emphasize questions more
than answers. They are typically very bold about their questions and
humble about their answers.’’3 Questions make people think, whereas
answers bring thinking to a full stop. Questions encourage creativity in
change your frame to ask questions
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others, whereas answers squelch creativity. For example, Tim Brown,
CEO of IDEO, said that asking the right question is itself a creative
process. ‘‘[I]t doesn’t matter how good the answers you come up with.
If you’re focusing on the wrong questions, you’re not providing the
leadership you should. . . . I think that’s something that we forget—as
leaders, probably the most important role we can play is asking the
right questions.’’4 Brown is more likely to lead a debate about the right
questions than he is to debate about the right solutions.
There is an important reason to shift your frame from answering to
asking questions. A man was walking in the woods and saw a chrysalis
hanging from a low branch of a tree. His interest piqued, he examined it
and saw movement within. Looking more closely, he saw a leg pushing
through the skin of the chrysalis. Wanting to help, he took out a knife
and cut open the chrysalis, releasing the butterfly within. The butterfly
fell to the ground and lay there wiggling. It could not fly. Later he
contacted a butterfly expert, who said that the struggle to free itself from
the chrysalis is what develops the butterfly’s strength to fly. Having cut
open the chrysalis, the man had prevented the butterfly from developing
its inherent capability.
People working for you are also trying to develop their strengths and
capabilities. Can you patiently enable their growth, or do you intervene
for the sake of efficiency, cutting open the chrysalis? A key change
is to shift your focus from giving your quick answer to taking some
time to allow others to develop their own answer. Most people seek
answers; they want a remedy. And you may find it expedient to give the
quick answer. It feels good to be in the center of things, to be the answer
person. But each time you give an answer, you miss a development
opportunity. When you ask a question of someone, you put her on alert
in a way that making a statement does not; she has to think in order to
respond.5 If a plant foreman says, ‘‘We have to increase production to fill
this order for an important customer,’’ workers may not listen or try to
speed things up because filling the order is the boss’s responsibility. If,
instead, the foreman asks plant employees, ‘‘What can we do to make
sure we fill this order on time?’’ people can’t ignore him; they have to start
looking for solutions. Questions can be follower centered, in that they
encourage critical thinking, expand people’s awareness, and stimulate
their learning. Asking questions gets people to accept responsibility for
solving their own problems.
A question will nearly always engage another person. I recall sitting
through a dreary morning of research presentations at an academic
conference. These one-way presentations can be a boring way to get
to some facts. The fourth speaker started with a question, and waited
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a moment for people to formulate an answer in their minds. Suddenly
everyone seemed interested. They sat up straight, and several people
leaned forward. By using periodic questions, the presenter held everyone’s
interest for what otherwise would have been a monotonous lecture.
Have you tried to coach people by using questions? Leadership coaching is more about being the person with the right questions than being
the person with the right answers. And the higher you go, the more
important it is to be the person with the right questions. Consider Ram
Charan’s example of the CEO who relied on his own curiosity to coach
a direct report about how a new strategy would work to increase market
share in Germany. Rather than give advice, the CEO asked questions
that expanded the thinking of the business unit chief after his strategy
presentation. ‘‘How are you going to make those gains?’’ he said, probing
into the strength of the powerful German competitor. ‘‘Which customers
will you acquire? What products and competitive advantages will you
need to beat the German competitor?’’ Other questions pertained to
organizational capability. ‘‘How many salespeople do you have?’’ ‘‘How
many does your main competitor have?’’ ‘‘What is the experience of
the people working for you in Germany?’’ The CEO’s simple questions
inquiring into how things worked exposed a certain naı̈veté in the business unit’s plans. The CEO, as part of his coaching, suggested his view
on picking niches and winning on speed of execution. The unit chief saw
the weaknesses and came up with new ideas to strengthen and tighten
the strategy.6
Asking any question is often better than asking no question. My wife
is a master at asking questions. She developed this skill as a professor in
which she would guide an entire class session through questions rather
than lecture. When I am confused about something, I have asked her
to start asking me questions, any questions. Interestingly, some of the
questions don’t directly apply to my problem, but they force me to think
of a response, and new insights emerge upon which my inner executive
can act. We have both tried using this approach with our children,
who are now adults, and found it always to be more effective than
giving advice.
Ask Outcome-Focused Questions
As you develop a frame of curiosity and question asking, you will
find that some questions are better than others. For example, asking
problem-focused questions focus people’s thinking on immediate
problems, barriers, and difficulties. Asking outcome-focused or
results-oriented questions will direct people’s thinking toward the future
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and stimulate their creative thinking about how to get to the desired
future. When I teach the outcome frame to managers, I ask them to
think of a work problem and then have a partner ask questions about it.
That way they can feel the different impacts of problem-focused versus
outcome-focused questions. You can do the exercise in your own mind.
Please think of a specific unresolved work problem you have. Then
answer the two sets of questions that follow. It might be a good idea to
write down your thoughts to help you arrive at clear answers. Please pay
attention to how you feel as you answer the questions.7
Answer the following questions while thinking about your problem:
1. Why do you have this problem?
2. Who or what caused this problem?
3. Why hasn’t the problem been solved?
4. How likely is it that you will solve this problem?
How do you feel after answering these questions? When you are ready,
answer the following questions while thinking about the same problem:
1. What do you really want to have happen? (What is your desired
outcome?)
2. How will you know you have achieved this outcome? (Be specific
about how things will look, sound, and feel.)
3. What ideas do you have to achieve this outcome?
4. What will you do to get started?
How do you feel after answering these questions? Do you experience
anything different between the two sets? Managers tell me they feel more
positive emotion and creativity when answering the second set of questions. The mental shift in thinking toward future solutions or outcomes
is a positive frame of reference offering hope, awakening creative ideas,
and renewing energy and confidence. The first set of questions may
bring up feelings of discouragement when thinking about roadblocks
and obstacles. The heightened creativity of the second set of questions
encourages taking immediate steps toward a solution. What a relief!
The power of this approach is that it shifts the realm of discussion
from the past to the future—the realm of possibility rather than the
realm of history. Only about 5 percent of statements in normal discourse
are in the realm of possibility wherein you create the future.8 The trick is
to get out of past- and problem-focused discussions to awaken people’s
creativity for reaching a goal. Creating ideas for a better future is fun,
and new possibilities drive action. All it takes is a simple question like
‘‘What do you want to have happen?’’
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In my role as associate dean, my inner elephant initially liked to tell
other people how to solve their problems. A student might come in
complaining about the way a professor assigned a final grade. Rather
than drill into the problem and offer solutions, I learned to ask, ‘‘What
do you want to have happen?’’ The student might respond with, ‘‘I would
like the professor to regrade my final exam.’’ Then I would follow up
with, ‘‘What would be the first step you can take to make that happen?’’
The student might respond, ‘‘Maybe I could call the professor and make
an appointment to talk about this.’’ Then I would say, ‘‘Good idea. Please
do that and let me know what happens.’’ Problem solved. The student
figured out his own answer. I was developing their independence rather
than make them dependent on me.
Ask a Broad Range of Questions
Gary Marenzi is president of international television at Paramount Pictures and manages about a hundred employees. He regularly has people
coming to him upset about a problem and asking for answers. Marenzi
instead tells them to relax and starts asking questions: ‘‘I tell them that
it’s not just the numbers that are important— does it make money or
doesn’t it make money? What’s more, how is it going to affect people?
Is this how we want to spend our time as managers or as teammates? Is
it going to make us happy?’’ Marenzi broadens people’s thinking and
shapes the culture of his division by asking questions.9
Effective questions can serve a number of purposes, such as expanding
the person’s perspective to incorporate a bigger picture, shifting the
person’s thinking toward outcomes, helping the person reflect more
deeply, or helping ground the person in reality. The following are
examples of some different types of questions:
QUESTIONS THAT SHIFT THE MIND TOWARD FUTURE RESULTS
OR OUTCOMES
What do you want instead of this problem?
What do you really want to accomplish?
What is your ultimate purpose with this?
Can you articulate the long-term direction for your organization?
QUESTIONS THAT SHIFT PEOPLE’S THINKING TOWARD
DEEPER MEANING
What can be learned from this experience?
What is the lesson here?
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What has this experience meant to you?
Why have you succeeded when others have failed?
QUESTIONS THAT PROMOTE A BROADER PERSPECTIVE
How do you want things to be different in your area?
What would people in other areas (for example, marketing, top
management) think about this?
What will be the impact on people?
How will you help others understand this complex issue?
QUESTIONS THAT GROUND PEOPLE IN REALITY
What is your evidence for (or against) this?
What is your thinking behind this idea?
QUESTIONS THAT PROMPT ACTION
What is the most useful thing to do right now?
How can I help?
QUESTIONS THAT PROMPT DEEPER INQUIRY
Are you focused on the right factors?
What assumptions are you making?
Is your judgment based on intuition or facts?
How can you use this as an opportunity?
Which tasks drain your energy, and which tasks add to your energy?
QUESTIONS THAT SHIFT THINKING TO AN APPRECIATION FRAME
What personal characteristics do you admire in yourself and others?
What factors give life to this organization?
When you feel best about your work, what is happening?
QUESTIONS THAT PROBE INTO UNSTATED ASSUMPTIONS
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing that?
The last two questions were used by Peter Drucker. He called them
‘‘dumb’’ questions because they forced managers to think about their
unconscious assumptions underlying their habitual and routine work. Now
in my world, people often believe in theoretical ideas that may not work in
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practice. To help ground people in reality, I most often ask the question
‘‘What is your evidence to support this?’’ When we start talking about
grounded evidence, the speaker starts thinking in more concrete terms.
•••
If you are ready to change your frame from giving answers to answering
questions, many of the practices in previous chapters will help you. For
example, conducting an end-of-day review can be a time to examine the
situations in which you asked questions and to make plans for when
to ask questions tomorrow. Autosuggestions such as ‘‘I am developing
people by asking questions’’ or ‘‘I am asking more questions’’ repeated
several times morning and evening will facilitate your mental transition to
a question-asking frame of reference. You can also repeat the suggestion
just before meetings in which you want to ask questions. Remember, you
don’t have to give up standards, boundaries, or self-discipline to shift
from telling to asking. You just need to see people more fully and want
to help develop them to their potential.
Remember This
Learn to Ask Questions
•
We have all been conditioned to give answers.
•
Asking questions is a way to coach and develop other people.
•
Asking questions becomes more important as you move higher
up in the organization.
•
Asking any question is often better than asking no question.
•
Outcome-focused questions stimulate creativity and personal
responsibility in others.
•
Effective questions may be used to expand people’s perspective, ground their thinking, probe unstated assumptions,
stimulate deeper inquiry, or shift people to an appreciative
frame.
•
End-of-day review and autosuggestion will help your transition to question asking.
A similar approach that serves to develop others is to consult in all
things. Consulting with others is one of the easiest ways to engage them
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while expanding your mind’s awareness to break free of the distortions,
fears, and small-mindedness of your inner elephant. The simple act of
consulting with other people can produce a profound change toward a
more accurate perspective. Consider these two examples:
I am in a very competitive fantasy football league, and I contemplated
a specific trade. I had the perfect answer. Before making the trade,
I talked with three friends who are big football fans. I learned two
things. One, people love when you ask for their advice. Second,
consultation makes the decision so much easier. I spent days thinking
about that trade, and after talking with others it was obviously a
bad decision. I was headed for a colossal mistake. Instead, I have
a winning record in my fantasy league.
I am an entrepreneur and have developed a great idea for a new business. My plan was well thought out and attainable. Before launching
I sought out a local entrepreneur in the same industry. Wow. By
the end of the meeting I learned more successful products to carry
and a much more effective way to monetize the service aspect of the
business. My elephant can be so ignorant. My answers are always the
best, right? It is so easy to get lost in what I believe to be accurate. All
trains of thought go down the same track. Other people’s experiences
add so much.
Under the pressure of time and busyness, a person can readily succumb
to the temptation of believing his own answer, wanting his view or
idea to prevail, and wanting to receive the credit, which reinforces a
small viewpoint, narrow insight, and poor decisions. The solution is to
break free of the inner elephant’s mind-set by engaging the larger mind
of other people. You learn more and at the same time are engaging the
thinking of direct reports and others.
Bob Lengel, of the University of Texas at San Antonio, and I wrote a
couple of papers based on Bob’s research that explored how managers
made decisions when things were unclear and complicated, such as when
something is amiss but the exact problem was not clear and the answer
was not obvious. It was amazing how quickly effective managers chose
to come out of their offices to consult with others. Their conversations
clarified their ambiguity. Indeed, the simple act of talking through an
issue, even if no new information was obtained, helped managers clear
away the fog in their minds. This is the inner executive at work, doing
the smart thing to escape from the limited and distorted thinking of the
inner elephant.
Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, developed a personal board of
directors during his twenties. He drew a conference table and seven chairs
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on a piece of paper and wrote the names of people he admired. When
wrestling with a tough question, he would sometimes imagine what each
person would tell him, as a way to pull himself out of his mental box. If
really stuck on an issue, he would talk to some of them directly.10 Some
executives use their spouse as a sounding board, engaging in a lengthy
discussion over dinner before making an important hire or launching a
new strategy. The spouse can often be trusted to provide unvarnished
feedback. And just talking it through will clarify fuzzy areas and blind
spots in one’s own mind.
Jody, head of retail operations for a southeastern brokerage firm, had
a personal board of directors. He included a few luminaries, the time of
whom he was willing to pay for, as well as local friends and associates.
He would call me periodically to go to lunch to talk about a problem, so
I think I was on his board. A few days after one of our conversations,
Jody called to thank me profusely for my suggestions about establishing
a vision for his business. That was interesting, because I hadn’t made any
suggestions. I had simply asked questions, and the ideas had clarified in
his own mind. That is the value of consultation.
Let’s face it: the higher you go in an organization, the less clear
things become. Talking to others is a great clarifier, even when we think
we know the answer. Leonard was assigned responsibility to create a
new compensation system for sales agents. He initially worked on it
alone—no consultation.
I spent many hours developing and building the cost-benefit analysis
to support the project. However, to try consultation, I posted my ideas
to three key executives. Two of the three agreed with my analysis.
The third took a unique stance. My first reaction was anger, but I
suppressed my inner elephant. This was not easy. I wanted to tell this
guy why he was so wrong and why I was so right. As I held back and
listened, my opinion started to change. As I let go of my need to be
right, I realized that the plan could be substantially improved by his
ideas. The end result was a much better plan, and I had an ally when
presenting to the board of directors.
Getting back to Bob Lengel’s research, when effective managers were
confronted with an ambiguous, controversial, or risky issue, they waded
right into conversations rather than going it alone or trusting their
own right answer. They were quick to consult—getting all relevant
information into the open, testing and clarifying their thinking, and then
resolving the issue. Rather than staying stuck in their elephant thinking
or championing their own beliefs, the highest-rated executives preferred
a collective understanding, a larger truth. Executives rated less effective
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were much less likely to consult, even on urgent issues. The reason for
their lower performance was their inability or unwillingness to base
action on thinking larger than their own. The process of consultation
is to freely express your own thoughts and welcome the thoughts of
others.
Successful executives know that debate is essential to expand their
thinking. General David Petraeus was warned about the cloistered existence of military officers who don’t stop and look around as often as
they should. From officer debates, he learned that seriously bright people
thought very differently about important issues. Experiencing that not
everyone saw the world the same way was good preparation for his
leadership in Iraq and Afghanistan.11 Selina Lo had a reputation as an
aggressive, fire-breathing marketing VP who was determined to get her
way. When she became CEO of Ruckus Wireless, the yelling and fist
pounding to get her way no longer worked. She was responsible for
all departments and employees, and would be fighting against her own
organization. Impatience was her greatest foe, and changing her habit
required a huge effort of will. She adopted a group decision-making process that forced her to listen to others. Now, whenever a disagreement
arises, she convenes a meeting of disputants and other people affected by
the decision to resolve the issue.12
Some of the best advice for consultation comes from spiritual traditions.
My favorite form of consultation is from the Bahá’ı́ faith. I have used it
with groups, with superb results. The goal of Bahá’ı́ consultation is to
discover the larger truth before making a decision, solving a problem, or
pursuing a course of action. Bahá’ı́ consultation is not about personal
counseling. You should go to a psychologist for that. Consultation is used
to move from your inner elephant’s small belief or conjecture toward
a larger certitude. ‘‘The shining spark of truth cometh forth only after
the clash of differing opinions.’’ The key principles for consulting on a
diverse range of issues is pretty straightforward:13
BAH Á’ Í CONSULTATION
❍
Establishment of the facts. Base the conversation in facts rather than
conjecture, opinion, and belief. Investigate relevant information
sources. The facts should be viewed objectively rather than distorted
to suit one’s own opinion.
❍
Broad participation. Consult with people who have relevant information or perspectives on the problem. Ideally, these people would
be brought together in a group to hear one another’s voices. When
this is not possible, one-on-one consultation is fine.
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❍
Detachment. The idea here is that ‘‘your’’ idea or thought
does not belong to you. It belongs to the larger group or organization you serve. People detach from their own viewpoint
or position, and may even speak against it. People express
their views frankly, calmly, and without rancor. They listen
to others without taking offense or belittling other viewpoints. ‘‘They must . . . not insist upon their own opinion,
for stubbornness and persistence in one’s views will lead ultimately to discord and wrangling and the truth will remain
hidden.’’14 The inner executive can do this; the inner elephant
cannot.
❍
Agreement. If an individual is making the decision, the full discussion provides a bigger picture and a clearer truth with which to
decide the correct action. If a group makes the decision, consultation leads to unanimity or to at least a majority vote following a full
discussion.
Consultation really works. It is an easy way to get outside your own
illusions to face reality. One of my EMBA students told me about his
decision to remove a generating unit from service because of a noisy steam
valve. He knew the right decision, but decided to bring all forty-three
employee stakeholders together anyway to hear their thoughts. ‘‘They
were pleased to be part of the decision and made many good points I had
not considered. I changed my decision because they would rather deal
with the noise and leave the unit in service. I learned that regardless of my
knowledge or good intentions, soliciting the thoughts of others always
provides a more robust solution.’’
Another example of consultation was developed by Luis, the manager
of a plant in San Antonio that repaired and reconditioned jet engines for
government aircraft. Luis had a tendency to insert himself into problems
and make the decisions himself. With a little coaching, he was ready for
consultation. Returning from a business trip, he learned about a serious
problem in the plant. Rather than run around to talk to people and then
make a decision, he tried consultation. He asked all stakeholders to meet
together on the shop floor (the conference room was too small). They
sat in a circle, and he asked each person in turn to fully state his or
her perception of the problem. After everyone spoke, he went around
the circle a second time asking each person to comment on his or her
interpretation of the problem and suggest ideas for going forward. By
now, everyone had a big picture of the issues and agreed on the best
approach. People quickly divided into teams to implement their part of
the solution. Luis did not make the decision by himself. A decision was
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reached more quickly this way, with full buy-in from everyone. Now
that’s consultation.
•••
If you consult in all things, you are more likely to take correct action
in all things. This is not a natural behavior for many managers, but the
results can be dramatic. Here is how to get started:
1. An easy way to expand awareness of your inner elephant’s small
mind is simply to consult with one other person. That’s all. Before making
your next decision or taking an action, talk to one person. Just talking to
one other person will pull you out of your mental box.
2. Or try this exercise: consult with at least one person for the first five
decisions you make tomorrow. These may be personal decisions, such
as what to eat for breakfast or the best route to drive. They may be
decisions related to the daily flow of activities in your business, such as
hiring, spending, or deciding work priorities. You will be pleased at the
increased perspective and clarity you gain.
3. Expand the consultation habit by consulting in all things for a few
days. Ask at least one person before making a decision, no matter how
small. Ask your spouse about what to wear or what to fix for dinner or
the best time to head home from work. Ask someone at work about where
to go for lunch or the best time to leave for lunch. Work up to bigger
decisions, such as replacing a generator or authorizing an expenditure or
designing a new policy manual. People will love that you asked and will
see the light of your brilliance in asking them, and your mind will be
expanding with new ideas while you learn to engage and develop others.
You won’t go wrong when in all things, you consult.
Remember This
•
Consultation, like asking questions, engages others while
expanding your mind-set.
•
Talking to just one person before you make a decision can
change your perspective.
•
Effective managers are quick to consult with others.
•
Consultation clarifies ambiguities that exist at higher organization levels.
274
•
Consultation takes advantage of seriously bright people seeing
things differently.
•
Consultation achieves a more accurate truth than does insistence on one’s own opinion.
•
Practice consulting about decisions large and small for a few
days. You will like the result.
17
•
Living and Leading
from Your Inner
Executive
If, with the rope of mindfulness,
You bind firm the elephant of the mind,
You will let go of every fear
And find virtue close at hand.
—Shantideva
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed
in overalls and looks like work.
—Thomas Edison
luke skywalker is bored and restless on a farm on a remote planet.
A little robot appears with a plea from a princess for her rescue. Luke
responds to this call to adventure. His journey takes him to Ben Kenobi,
a wise mentor who understands supernatural powers (the ‘‘Force’’) and
who teaches Luke to trust his higher self when dueling with a light saber.
Luke undergoes many trials, saves the princess, becomes a Jedi warrior,
wins the struggle with the evil Darth Vader, and fulfills his destiny by
destroying the Death Star. Luke discovered his warrior identity and
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276
attained his true powers, which he realized were within him all along.
Luke, an ordinary boy, was raised to the status of mythic hero.1
Star Wars, like Lord of the Rings and The Wizard of Oz, are fantasies
that give voice to our deep longings and hopes for ourselves. These
fantasies are not external reality, but they do relate to our dreams of
how we would like reality to be. A hero is someone who has been
through the crucible of personal change and devoted his or her life to
something bigger than the self. In mythology, heroism typically involves
breaking free from the status quo to perform a heroic and courageous
deed, such as slaying a dragon, which is usually a symbol for destroying
one’s own ego. In reality, of course, when faced with a difficult challenge,
the internal judge is likely to be sending you such thoughts as ‘‘Oh no!
I couldn’t do that!’’ or ‘‘This is stupid.’’ The inner dragon (voice) must
be destroyed before you can discover your heroic self. There are many
obstacles to finding your life’s mission, your happiness. Fantasies like Star
Wars indicate the need to go through some kind of death and rebirth in a
journey toward self-awareness and wholeness to achieve that happiness.
For most of us, most of the time, the automatic thoughts and behaviors
of the inner elephant work just fine. We could not get through the day
without our inner elephant, which does most of the work. Most of us are
reasonably well adjusted, and there is no need to change the majority of
our behaviors. There may be a few gaps, such as when we are not doing
what we know we should be doing, but there is no need to slay the inner
elephant; it just needs to be fixed a bit.
The practices in this book help you understand your inner elephant
well enough to know which opportunities fit your greater potential, and
strengthen your inner executive to reduce undesired behaviors. Helping
you eliminate bad habits and undesired behaviors from your leadership
style, which may reduce your personal effectiveness, is the goal of this
book, and there are many exercises and practices to help you achieve
that end.
The material in this final chapter is directed toward more ardent seekers
of personal growth who are not content with changing the peripheral
aspects of their inner elephant. A few people express the desire to work
toward elimination of as much of their ego or ‘‘false self’’ as possible. Like
Luke Skywalker, they want to live fully from their inner executive—the
higher consciousness. They may want to apply the practices in this book
to how they live their life rather than just to how they lead others. The
purpose of this chapter is to offer a perspective and support for readers
whose goal is to achieve some kind of enduring peace and contented
happiness in their life. This chapter is for those of you who want to
eliminate a big chunk of your inner elephant, to slay your inner dragon,
living and leading from your inner executive
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as when drawn to living all aspects of your life from the higher realm of
your inner executive. This chapter is for those of you who aspire to say
good-bye to the smaller and self-oriented world of your inner elephant.
Higher Consciousness Revisited
How do you become the hero who is hidden within you? What this
book has been calling the inner elephant represents the lower level of
consciousness that is concerned with physical survival, personal gain,
ego satisfaction, and emotional pleasure. The inner elephant is driven
by self-interest to fulfill the needs of the body and ego. The inner
elephant operates something like a bio-computer sending automatic
signals into your head. As described in Chapters Two through Four, the
inner elephant is preoccupied with garnering security, prestige, money,
power, sex, status, and pleasant sensations. It can be overly reactive to
pressures, intrusions, and triggers from without. It can be inflexible and
highly judgmental; it wants control, tends to focus on ends rather than
means, gets trapped in avoidance and impulsive behaviors, and does not
accurately judge itself or the future. The inner elephant’s constant struggle
to accumulate for itself dominates your mind without really changing
you or making you happy and, when the elephant’s needs are thwarted,
may trigger resentment, worry, anger, jealousy, or fear. The needs of the
physical body and ego system dominate the thinking of the inner elephant.
An untrained mind is filled continuously with desires and criticisms that
arise from the inner elephant’s needs and wants.
Higher consciousness is difficult to explain because it is an experiential
phenomenon— you have to experience it to know it; you can’t know it
when immersed in the inner elephant’s thoughts and desires. You might
think of it as a higher level of awareness, which can observe the inner
hubbub of your thoughts, fears, emotions, desires, and anxieties. Entering
higher consciousness is a bit like awakening a dormant part of your mind.
The ability to see your inner elephant’s emotions and impulses gives you
some distance from them; hence you identify less with them and are less
under their control. Without higher consciousness, the inner elephant’s
automatic thoughts—memories, fantasies, frustrations, impulses—arise
and fill your mind in haphazard fashion. Operating out of your lower
consciousness means that you identify with and are attached to the flow
of negative thoughts, fears, emotions, and anxieties in your head. The
disparate images appearing in your mind also may create warfare within;
for example, you may want to work on a project but feel resistance, or
you may feel an unwanted craving or anger impulse that you wish to
resist but cannot.
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As your inner executive grows stronger, you may become aware of
changes similar to those described in the list that follows.2 You may
already possess some of these qualities, and others will arise as you work
on practices that are right for you. As you distance yourself from the
inner elephant, you are developing the inner executive. As you experience
your higher consciousness, you will likely find greater flow and peace
of mind. Rather than having thoughts, feelings, and decisions dictated
by your conditioned attitudes and responses, you are able to take or
leave those impulses. Your thinking becomes clearer, and you become
capable of focusing intently and penetrating deeply into whatever topic
you address. Engaging your inner executive can provide a continuing
sense of well-being and perhaps even periods of bliss or joy.
EMERGING QUALITIES OF THE INNER EXECUTIVE
Your inner state
Peace, contentment, and well-being replace anxiety and unease.
A calm and deliberate approach replaces upset and agitation.
The mind is focused and present in the moment rather than
distracted.
You patiently accept things in their time rather than want everything now.
Lightness and humor replace a grim and serious demeanor.
Your dominant thought process
You focus on long-term consequences rather than immediate
wants.
Thoughtful responses replace urgent cravings and instant
reactions.
You serve others or something larger rather than focus on self
first.
You interpret things objectively rather than as personal likes and
dislikes.
You enjoy fulfilling your own potential rather than seek only
material pleasure.
You see problems as puzzles rather than as people’s
shortcomings.
An open mind replaces skepticism, defensiveness, and strong
viewpoints.
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You welcome opposite viewpoints rather than triumph from a
fixed position.
You detach from rather than hold on to belief in automatic
desires, fears, and negative thoughts.
How you view others
You see people as human beings rather than as objects to meet
your own needs.
Others are equal to you rather than below you.
Appreciation replaces envy and disrespect.
Generosity and empathic understanding replace criticalness and
obsession with self.
Trust and faith replace distrust and suspicion.
Your decisions and actions
You focus on present and future possibilities rather than on past
problems.
Self-discipline replaces impulses and overreactions.
Reason, evidence, and what works replace personal beliefs and
ideology.
Developing others becomes more important than controlling
others.
Immersion and flow replace feelings of resistance and
distraction.
Focus on means replaces focus on ends.
Your relationships
You ask questions rather than provide answers.
You prefer listening to telling.
You enjoy building agreement with others rather than competing.
You appreciate head and heart rather than belittle anything
touchy-feely.
You connect emotionally rather than remain distant from others.
You prefer interdependence to individualism and going it alone.
Compassion and generosity replace self-centeredness.
You take responsibility rather than blame others.
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Living from your inner executive brings a sense of mental comfort,
security, and calm that the inner elephant’s quest for wealth, winning,
and prestige cannot. The higher consciousness can see beyond the small
focus on your own needs to care about the needs of another person,
group, or organization. The higher consciousness is like maturity, the
lower consciousness like immaturity. Everyone starts out with a childlike
self-centeredness, and most people make some progress toward maturity
throughout life. Living from the inner executive can be thought of as
living at a high level of maturity. The inner executive also performs
the brain’s executive functions of conceptualizing, thinking abstractly,
planning, developing, envisioning, and appreciating opposite points of
view. In contrast, the inner elephant’s devotion is to championing its own
view, urges, and needs.
Relationships are problematic for the inner elephant, which is concerned mostly with the self. When we are under the sway of the inner
elephant, relationships are driven by the need to control others, tell others
what to do, get the elephant’s own needs met, and blame others when
things go wrong; the inner elephant tends to be individualistic and emotionally distant. Relationships based on higher mind are more effortlessly
successful. The higher mind’s first concern is to develop others, listen,
and take personal responsibility, and it welcomes emotional connection
and interdependence.
The best way to use the list of the emerging qualities of the inner
executive is simply to study and reflect on it. Let the ideas soak in, and
think about where you stand. As you absorb the general patterns, you
will gain a better sense of where you would like to grow. The list may
illuminate some specific areas to develop at work and in your everyday
life. It may also help you identify where the inner elephant is strongest
in your daily thinking and behavior. This insight can serve as a guideline
to develop a practice, mantra, or visualization to help develop selected
aspects of your inner executive.
When Her Mind Went Quiet
To help you understand the potential life outcomes of developing the
inner executive as a way of living, I want to share a story about a brain
scientist who experienced a brain malfunction. At seven o’clock one
morning, Jill Taylor awoke sluggishly with a sharp, piercing pain directly
behind her left eye. She felt bizarre and confused. She was conscious,
but found it hard to think. Her head had stopped providing the usual
answers; ideas seemed to flee from her awareness. Despite the physical
discomfort, Taylor felt a growing sense of peace. The constant chatter
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of her mind went silent, leaving only tranquility. The void of language
and cognition was filled with a sense of grace, followed by a sense of
‘‘all-knowingness or ‘being at one’ with the universe.’’ Jill Taylor, brain
scientist, had experienced a severe stroke that disabled the left hemisphere
of her brain. The familiar voices of her brain chatter were delightfully
silent as she experienced an abrupt major shift in consciousness.3
Taylor did recover, but her experience was so profound that part of
her life’s mission is to share it with others. Her stroke shut down part
of her brain circuitry such that it was no longer reminding her of likes
and dislikes or making negative judgments. It was as if her inner elephant
had been destroyed. Taylor had grown up with lots of emotional baggage
and anger, now all gone. She had spent a lifetime committed to doing at a
fast pace, and now in an instant she was filled with a being consciousness.
She didn’t understand it, but she liked it. Taylor saw herself no longer
as a physical body but as the atoms and energy she shared with others.
She was in touch with what she called her ‘‘authentic’’ self and was
almost reluctant to undertake rehabilitation to become ‘‘normal’’ again.
With the brain chatter extinguished, her mind experienced a feeling of
deep inner peace, the feeling of genuine happiness that everyone seems
to want.
Taylor vividly experienced her two distinct selves, or what she called
her two minds, which she said were analogous to the two hemispheres
of the brain. Having lived a life in her head, now she was living from her
heart. Rather than being trapped in what she called her small ego mind
or small self, she experienced a bigger mind—her authentic self—that
was calm and caring toward others. With the analytical, thinking part of
her brain nonfunctional and her brain chatter silenced, she experienced
the bliss that others only dream of. The mindshare devoted to degrading,
insulting, or criticizing herself or others was now yielding a steady flow of
empathy and consideration. Her mind was right here, right now, enjoying
the richness of the present moment. There were no more judgments of
good and bad or right and wrong. Observations of others were made
without negative sentiment. Her new mental state was one of friendliness,
and she smiled a lot. Her new state was one of feeling eternally optimistic
and open to new possibilities, so she liked to think outside the box.
With treatment and therapy, Taylor regained the use of her brain’s
left hemisphere to help her function in daily life, but she has not lost the
connection with her larger, authentic self. For example, her automatic
anger response can once again be triggered, but now she does not
act on it; she just watches it disappear within ninety seconds as she
returns to her peaceful awareness. Taylor feels in control of her renewed
critical thoughts and impulses. ‘‘By paying attention to the choices
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my automatic circuitry is making, I own my power and make more
choices consciously,’’ she wrote, relishing her power to stop thinking
thoughts that are destructive or unhelpful. ‘‘There has been nothing more
empowering than the realization that I don’t have to think thoughts that
bring me pain.’’ When she received a speeding ticket, the voice in her
head started to obsess over her mistake. She can now turn off her this
unpleasant voice by realigning herself with the present moment.
Taylor spends much of her time teaching others how to develop
this higher consciousness similar to what I have been calling the inner
executive. She coaches her college students to develop a nonjudgmental
witness that can listen to (or watch) their brain’s thoughts. Students often
complain that it takes too much mental effort to observe what their brain
is telling them. This mastery takes practice and patience, and when they
gain the new awareness, they are free to step beyond the mental drama
of their impulsive thoughts and desires. They can be conscious of their
cognitive loops without being seduced into believing or acting on those
thoughts.
Here are some ideas from Taylor, who in a flash experienced a mental
change that sages, mystics, and saints spend years trying to develop—
liberation from their ego and inner elephant.
❍
She talks directly to her brain cells, respectfully asking them to stop
bringing up specific thought patterns.
❍
She gives her mental chatterbox two half-hour periods each day to
whine rampantly about anything it wants.
❍
She is a believer in paying attention to her automatic self-talk and
stopping any internal verbal abuse. Thanks to her heightened awareness, her authentic self has real power over her thoughts.
❍
She has noted that her negative thought patterns are more likely to
emerge when she is either physically tired or emotionally vulnerable.
❍
To retain her inner peace, she consistently tends the garden of her
mind moment by moment during the day. She believes that being
able to observe one’s circuitry as well as engage with it is a boon to
mental health.
❍
If a strong emotion is triggered, she simply resigns to it, accepts the
emotion, and lets it run its course for ninety seconds. ‘‘Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated. Over time,
the intensity and frequency of these circuits usually abate.’’
❍
She unconditionally loves her thought-generating brain cells, both
positive and negative, with an open heart and grateful mind.
❍
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She is able to shift her focus away from the churning loops of her
chattering mind by using a mantra. To shift back into her higher
consciousness, she may breathe deeply and repeat ‘‘In this moment
I reclaim my joy,’’ ‘‘In this moment I am perfect, whole, and beautiful,’’ or ‘‘I am an innocent and peaceful child of the universe.’’
Although her left hemisphere is back online, Taylor retained the
capacity to use her higher circuitry on a regular basis. No longer is she
devoted solely to physical doing and mentally criticizing. Maintaining a
balance between being and doing is her life now. For Taylor, it is a simple
choice: ‘‘Why would anyone choose anything other than happiness?’’
Answers to Individual Questions
I am asked a lot of questions by MBA students and managers about the
content covered in this book. Here are answers to a few questions that
have arisen.
How do I get started?
The first step is usually to recognize a desire to change some part of the
way you think or behave. Once you clarify what you wish to change, it
becomes a matter of finding a new approach through reading books or
talking to people. I typically suggest finding a single practice, such as one
contained in this book, that feels comfortable, and to experiment with it.
Start small. Start with what you are drawn to. It is okay to experiment
with one or more attractive practices and see what happens.
A few people are drawn to more general self-improvement. Personal
growth is part of their life. This is the path of the seeker. In this case,
your first step is usually to read a variety of self-help and spiritual books
to identify a path that feels right. It may include participation in retreats
of various kinds. This pursuit may include a number of spiritual or
improvement practices. You might join with other people to assist with
your practice, such as in a meditation or discussion group. This book
will be just one of many things you explore.
The biggest barrier to getting started is your inner elephant. It wants
to continue its old routines, so creating new mental circuitry takes effort.
You will often forget about the new practices, perhaps for days at a
time. Things that help would be to set up a system to remind you, to
have a partner to check in with, and to stick to a schedule for the same
time each day. You may have to use some practices from this book to
help you do some of the practices from this book. Once your elephant
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gets some training, things will be easier. Your mind will be trained to
accept a practice routine.
Which practice or exercise is best for me?
The best exercise for you is the one that is most appealing to you. If you
try it without success, then go to the next one that attracts you. You may
have to try various practices to learn what works for you. My personal
favorite exercises to teach in class are ‘‘in all things, consult,’’ ‘‘review
the day,’’ and ‘‘let people empty their cup.’’
If there is a silver bullet among the exercises in this book, I think it is
intentionally repeating a phrase in your mind, as in autosuggestion or a
mantra. I have been pleasantly surprised at this technique’s wide applicability to various people and the array of issues that a frequent, intentional
repetition of a carefully chosen phrase will ameliorate. Autosuggestion
seems relatively easy for many people, and it has been a powerful way to
lead their inner elephant toward new intentional behaviors. People who
repeat the standard autosuggestion of ‘‘Every day, in every way, I am
getting better and better,’’ as well as other phrases, report many benefits,
some unanticipated. For example, as their mind gets into the rhythm of a
mantra to generate a clear intention, the inner elephant usually responds.
Moreover, in some cases their mantra will start to automatically replace
negative and critical thoughts. It is almost as if the specific words are
not that important. Any phrase, repeated intentionally, starts to replace
the negative and dysfunctional involuntary thoughts arising in your mind
from your automatic circuitry. Hence, of practices I have taught, the
mantra has been the most powerful single practice with the widest application. A few people also have told me that when repeating a mantra-like
suggestion, they find themselves visualizing the desired behavior at the
same time. This strengthens the power of the suggestion to their inner
elephant. When any positive suggestion is repeated several times in the
morning and evening, as well as during quiet periods during the day,
perhaps accompanied by visualization, it can have a transformative effect
on your behavior.
I would say that in the literature I have read, meditation is the practice
recommended most often for training the mind. However, many people
are not drawn to meditation, so it is relevant to fewer people than a
mantra. It is hard to find time in a busy day to meditate. But if meditation
resonates for you, it will likely help subordinate your inner elephant to
your inner executive and thereby eliminate bad habits and dysfunctional
behaviors. Find a meditation practice that works for you, and expect to
see some results in a few weeks.
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My management job keeps me busy from dawn until dusk. How
can I practice any of these exercises?
Yes, busyness is the enemy of change. I recall the authors of a book on
teaching mindfulness techniques reporting how difficult it was for the
authors themselves to do the simple exercises they asked their clients to
do.4 Getting up earlier in the morning or finding time in a busy schedule
was very hard. Their excuses for skipping the exercises proliferated.
During a busy day in which we confront many and rapid stimuli for
which we are responsible, our automatic systems kick in, and there is
little time for reflection. High-stress periods cause us to regress to our
most basic and automatic responses.
My suggestion is to search for or create small spaces in your schedule.
Do you drive or take a train to and from work? Do you ever watch
TV? Do you have a meal break? Do you have a few moments early in
the morning or late in the evening? If you truly have no time to yourself,
you are in a situation that is not conducive to practice. Being caught up
completely in external demands will make it hard to focus on internal
work. But if you do have occasional pauses or breaks, then many of the
practices in this book are accessible to you.
A mantra is probably the best technique for busy people because it can
be used during brief mental pauses and can operate in the back of your
mind much of the time. You can repeat a mantra or autosuggestion at
any time other than when you are talking or immersed in work. Quieting
your mind and reflecting for a few moments or creating a visual picture
does not take much time, but does require a break. Another idea is to
try practices that can become part of your normal workday. You can
consult with others, stop interrupting, focus on people, focus on your
work, consciously slow down, or calm down during the flow of your day.
Another idea is to work with a partner, which would help you focus
for a brief time on a specific exercise. In a perfect world, you would
allocate a specific time period from ten to thirty minutes each day to
develop your inner executive. Any small practice, done periodically,
even if only for a moment, will become a new pattern and will grow
over time.
How can I go faster to rid myself of bad habits to improve
my leadership approach?
My advice is to let go of trying to go fast. Forcing or pushing against the
undesirable parts of your mind will strengthen those parts, just as exercising a muscle by applying tension will strengthen that muscle. This was a
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lesson I was slow to learn. The goal is to strengthen your intention— your
intelligent will—and through your doing so, the undesirable parts of your
inner elephant will atrophy and fall away. You essentially learn to let go
of the unwanted parts. Meditation works, for example, by just observing,
relaxing, and letting go of the thoughts or actions arising from your inner
elephant. Relaxation is better than applying pressure. As you strengthen
your higher mind by focusing on the present and inward toward your
inner elephant, the dysfunctional elements weaken. The idea is to see
those elements and let them go, or perhaps replace them with an intentional mantra. Your effort is devoted to learning to concentrate the mind
and keep it in the present moment, not to forcing away the stuff you don’t
want. Training the mind is difficult, but easier than you might think,
because you do not have to drive away any thoughts and desires. Just
seeing them directly and consciously will weaken them. As your inner
executive gains strength, you will find changes in mood and outlook.
The trick is to practice every day; you will learn to see and let go of the
negative aspects of yourself.
Is repeating a mantra similar to cognitive-behavioral therapy?
I think of a mantra as a shortcut to cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a collection of techniques to help change
a person’s negative thoughts, images, and interpretations. For example,
the therapist may guide a client to gather objective evidence to dispute
self-defeating thought patterns. Through this kind of assignment, the
client engages the higher consciousness of the inner executive to witness,
detach from, and learn to disbelieve his or her conditioned thought patterns. Having a therapist to work with to change thought patterns is of
great value.
Repeating a mantra might be considered a cousin of cognitivebehavioral therapy. The intent of replacing negative or self-defeating
thought patterns with positive thoughts is the same. One difference is
that a mantra is simple enough to do on your own. After selecting a suitable self-enhancing phrase (as described in Chapters Five and Thirteen),
you can gradually increase its frequency of use. Whenever a negative or
self-defeating thought arises, you can replace it with the intentional positive thought. This is simpler and more straightforward than gathering
evidence to dispute the thought, and works especially well for people who
have the mental discipline to repeat a predetermined phrase frequently
throughout the day. Both the mantra and cognitive-behavioral therapy
strengthen the inner executive to have greater influence over the inner
elephant.
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How does the material you teach differ from the ideas in books
on positive thinking, such as The Secret, in which motivational
speakers say you can get what you want by thinking correctly?
I have researched a large number of books on positive thinking, including
the phenomenal best seller The Secret, which propose that the best way
to get what you want in life is through positive thinking or thinking
about what you want. There is certainly a grain of truth in these books
that may account for their popularity. What we think does determine
who we are and what we accomplish in life.
One difference I have tried to incorporate in this book is the emphasis
on the how of managing yourself. I searched through a number of
positive-thinking books looking for specific exercises that would help
readers achieve useful new mental states for leadership. I did not find
much. The writers or speakers seemed to be saying, ‘‘Do as I do,
and you too can be rich,’’ ‘‘Here is the attitude or mind-set that will make
you wealthy,’’ or ‘‘Think positive and everything will be better.’’ This
advice fails to recognize how difficult it is to change deeply ingrained
thought patterns. I had to search beyond these simple prescriptions and
go deeper into psychology and religious traditions to find practices, such
as the mantra or meditation, that people can do on their own to change
their thinking. Some practices, such as visualization, are better known,
but the books I read contained little coaching on how to actually use
mental tools to change ingrained mental and habit patterns.
There is another major difference between this book and others. The
goal of this book is to help you become a better leader or individual
performer. It works from the inside out. Other popular books, such
as The Secret, seem to be appealing to people’s desire to go from the
outside in, to acquire for themselves what they want from the material
world, particularly money and financial success. The practices in this
book are designed to strengthen your inner executive so that your inner
elephant will behave under its direction. The idea is for the higher mind
to have control over the lower mind’s impulses. As I interpret other
books, they seem to appeal to the inner elephant’s desire for material
gain, and attempt to use a person’s inner executive to fulfill those
desires. That approach—putting the inner executive’s higher mind in the
service of one’s small, self-oriented inner elephant—is just the opposite
of mine. That would mean using visualization or a mantra, for example,
exclusively to acquire more money rather than to improve yourself. For
all I know, that might work to some extent, but it is not what this book
is about. Leading or living from your higher consciousness will produce
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much more life satisfaction and success in the long run than trying to use
it to meet the lower needs or desires of your inner elephant.
Is it ever okay to objectify other people?
This question has been raised by students in the context of war or
intense competition between companies. In extreme cases such as war,
objectifying the enemy seems to fit the situation. However, under normal
conditions the unconscious objectification of other people is a major
cause of problems in the world. People in one social group often see
themselves as superior to other social groups in terms of lineage, school,
company, political party, religion, country of origin, or race. Racism,
for example, prevents a person from seeing members of another racial
group in their humanness or as fully equal. Within organizations, mental
barriers arise between departments or between HQ and field offices.
People in one section often view people in other sections as objects,
idiots, and incompetents rather than as human beings with similar issues
and concerns. Thus people in different parts of the same company may
fight rather than cooperate. The inner elephant quite naturally blames
others, and a great deal of a leader’s work is to overcome these mind-sets
so that departments and groups can work together.
The main thing for you as a leader is not to objectify any of your
followers or colleagues. It is easy to slide into a mind-set of frustration
and blame toward individuals. When you feel this way, you communicate
it in the form of body language and in the different ways you treat people
and the opportunities you give them. Direct reports will know when you
think or feel another way toward them, objectifying some and not others,
which often causes differences in their performance and satisfaction.
How can I know when I am in my inner executive?
The clearest indicator of your inner executive is that you are aware of
your own awareness or are conscious of your consciousness. That may
sound pretty abstract, but you will know when it happens. If you are
focusing on your breath, for example, you are aware of your breath.
When you are aware that you are aware of your breath, your mind
is completely in the moment, and automatic thoughts from the inner
elephant are quiet. There are no distracting thoughts. You can focus your
attention on your awareness and extend the amount of time in that place.
You are also in the inner executive when you are using your conscious
intention, such as when you are consciously focusing on the present
moment. Any time you consciously focus inwardly on a part of your
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mind or body, you are in the inner executive because the inner elephant
focuses outward through the five senses. The inward focus on a mantra,
a visualization, or reviewing your day also puts you into the higher
consciousness of the inner executive. Any time you are aware of your own
thoughts, emotions, cravings, fears, and so on, you are using your inner
executive. You are also in the inner executive when you use your
higher mental processes to intentionally plan, conceptualize, write, hold
back your inner elephant, talk directly to your inner elephant, or do
something your inner elephant doesn’t want to do. However, when you
are carried away by random thoughts or automatic reactions to external
stimuli, you are unconscious and in your inner elephant. In the early
stages of your practice, you will likely find that you are unconscious
most of the day.
What about intuition? Does it arise from the inner executive or
the inner elephant?
This question usually arises from someone who is tuned in to his or her
inner elephant and inner executive and can’t determine from which an
intuitive thought arises. In my experience, intuition tends to fall into the
hazy middle region between the inner elephant and inner executive.
The inner elephant does have intuition. Based on the elephant’s store of
life experiences, a new idea or intuitive feeling may arise into your awareness, and typically it is accurate and should be trusted. This is similar to
the intuitive decision making described in Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell.
The long experience of the inner elephant can translate into a useful
intuitive response. The distinctive aspect of intuition is its emotional neutrality. It does not contain the negative and judgmental edge associated
with many of the inner elephant’s critical thoughts and reactions.
The inner executive is highly intuitive. It seems to rely more on intuition
than on rational thought. To the extent that an intuitive thought can be
traced to some combination of your previous experiences, then I would
say it arises from the inner elephant. To the extent that the intuitive
thought is completely new and inspired, I would say it arises from the
inner executive, which may be accessing something broader than your
elephant’s previous life experience, such as the collective unconscious.
I am not attracted to any of the practices you have offered. I am
interested in becoming a better leader and in pursuing personal
growth. What should I do?
Most people can find some practices in this book to which they are
attracted and that will provide some value. If nothing in this book
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appeals to you, it may be because there are two fundamental paths
toward personal growth—the head path and the heart path. This book
is written primarily from the perspective of the head or mind. Most of
the people I work with are pursuing a career in business, and they are
primarily thinkers, analyzers, organizers, and controllers—they primarily
use thinking processes in their leadership. The same is true for me—leftbrain thinking is my dominant mode for dealing with the world. So the
approach taken in this book is the mental path that is focused inward on
training the mind to become a witness to your inner elephant’s thoughts
and impulses and to gradually take charge of them. Most people have
some left-brain capacity; hence some practices in this book will have
value for them.
Having said that, however, I acknowledge that many people are
better suited to the heart path. Their dominant mode of dealing with
the world is through feelings, creativity, and relationships rather than
through systematic thinking and analysis. This approach is typically
more extroverted because it focuses outwardly on other people or on
some form of higher power rather than inward. On the heart path of
development, the inner elephant can be weakened or eliminated—and
the inner executive strengthened—through love and devotion, through
service to society or service to a higher power. If you have ever performed
any act of pure service, you know how good it feels. Service to others
is a way to short-circuit the inner elephant to go directly to the sense
of well-being and bliss that those on the ‘‘mental’’ path have to train
their minds to achieve. Focusing your attention inward to quiet the
extant patterns of thought and habit takes a mental discipline that is
unattractive to someone naturally suited to the heart path. If you feel an
inclination toward the heart path, it would be a good idea to pursue your
personal growth through love and devotion rather than through inward
concentration and self-awareness.
I am a champion of the heart path for people suited to it, but it is
not my thing to teach. A few years ago, I was serving food to homeless
men in a small Catholic charity center in St. Louis. Helping those disadvantaged people for a couple of hours felt great. The lasting impression,
however, was of the look on the face of the nun in charge of the center.
She was absolutely radiant. Her face glowed. By spending her life doing
this work, she seemed filled with uncontainable bliss. Speaking to her,
there was no ego to be found. She had surrendered her ego to a higher
power in the form of service to those unfortunate clients of the center.
Realistically, you have to have some thinking and head skills to get along
in the world, but that’s all. If you feel inclined toward the heart path,
the fastest way to diminish your inner elephant is to select a career in
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which you can serve others. Indeed, many leadership positions provide
opportunities to teach and serve others if you will use the position in
that way.
Final Thoughts
Writing this book reawakened all of this material in my mind. I found
myself practicing the exercises in whatever chapter I was writing. I am
beginning to understand the Buddha’s teaching that desire is the basis
for suffering. Or the saying I heard in India that the richest person
in the world is the one with the fewest desires. I would attribute my
increased feelings of contentment and peace over the last few years to the
practices described in this book. One thing that I appreciate most is
the flow arising from lowered resistance to working on important
projects, which feels wonderful and peaceful, and leaves me lighter
and happier. With the mental blocks removed, my immersion in ongoing
projects is a source of daily satisfaction. The absence of inner struggle—of
one part of me wanting to do one thing, the other part the opposite—is
a feeling of freedom, as though I was just released from jail. Although
still an introvert, I find myself more interested in people. My critical
and negative judgments toward other people’s seemingly dysfunctional
behavior have all but disappeared. I see people as doing or saying what
is in their mind in that moment rather than as doing something to upset
me. I see their behavior as playing out the thoughts and impulses that
arise in their heads, just like everyone else, and they really don’t know
any better. If their behavior is inappropriate to their mission or team,
I may have to call them on it, but without personal dislike or anger.
Most of the exercises in this book are simply training the mind to
stay in the present moment. I still practice many of them, because if
I don’t, old habits reappear. I meditate each day for fifteen to thirty
minutes when I awaken, again for a few minutes before going to sleep,
for the thirty minutes I exercise on my elliptical (with eyes closed to
concentrate inwardly), and while driving to and from work (radio off).
Meditation to me means time for observing the dynamics of my mind
and training my mind with some kind of mental exercise. I may repeat a
mantra to correct some issue on which I am working, or simply stay in
the present moment by repeating a phrase such as ‘‘I am staying aware.’’
I may focus on watching my body as it exercises, concentrate on my
breathing, and bring my mind back to that focus when it jumps away.
I may focus on watching for any thought that arises, focus down into
the center of my body, or just focus on the now. Any of these things
improves concentration and keeps my mind in the present, and thereby
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does not give license to my automatic circuitry to fill my head with its
involuntary critical thoughts, impulses, and dislikes. My inner elephant
seems to be weaker, and I am able to stay in the flow of work and
personal relationships.
What will make this stuff work for you? I would say two things: a
little willingness and a little effort. Is it enough to read the prescription,
or do you have to be willing to swallow the medicine? You must
be willing to try it to receive the benefit. A little willingness means
being open to trying something new. Willingness means being open
minded and ready, and lowering your resistance to trying a technique
or behavior that may seem strange or different. A little effort means
you actually practice some new mental habit and start cutting a mental
groove or circuit for it. There is simply no way to avoid doing the
work. There is no fast track. Just reading this book and acquiring
‘‘book knowledge’’ won’t help much because reading is a familiar mental
habit. You have to practice something new to create a new mental
pattern. Progress requires intentional effort. Reading one book a day
for one hundred days about leadership growth will not have as much
impact as practicing one exercise every day for one hundred days. You
change yourself by strengthening your inner executive and by quieting
the inner elephant, not with mental gymnastics or mental cleverness
that perpetuates your inner elephant. Practicing something new from
this book or other books is the best way to lead yourself toward your
leadership inner excellence.
You are in for something of a fight with the established mental circuitry
of your inner elephant. It will try to keep your attention. Major changes,
lasting changes, require months and years of practice, not days and
weeks. You can expect some traction in a few days, but not a change of
major proportion. The great thing, however, is that once you start and
become a little bit aware of the present moment, and as you begin to
engage your inner executive to become a witness to the antics of your
inner elephant, there is no going back. The process will continue on its
own, albeit slowly if you don’t practice regularly. Start small. Make it
easy on yourself. Have faith. With regular daily practice, you will gain
enough traction to feel some change in the shorter term, and experience
more substantive changes in the longer term.
Any or all of the practices in this book will lead to a leadership style
more characteristic of Luke Skywalker or Ben Kenobi than of Darth
Vader. The call to adventure is an inward rather than outward call. You
may want to slay a dragon externally, which would be fun and rewarding,
but a greater victory will be to slay your internal dragon. The challenge
of inner excellence is to gain mastery over your leadership habits and
293
personal behaviors the way Luke Skywalker did. Do you accept the call?
You can lead yourself to become a superb leader of other people. You
are bigger than your selfish wants. Let go of your childish ways. Align
with your higher angels. Then you will become the hero who lies within
you—the ideal leader who lies within you.
Notes
•
CHAPTER ONE: THE PROBLEM OF MANAGING YOURSELF
1. Ram Charan and Geoffrey Colvin, ‘‘Why CEOs Fail,’’ Fortune, June 21,
1999, 69–78.
2. Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert I. Sutton, The Knowing-Doing Gap: How Smart
Companies Turn Knowledge into Action (Boston: Harvard Business School
Press, 1999).
3. Romans 7:15–19, King James Version.
4. Mark Gunther, ‘‘Soul Trainer,’’ Fortune, January 7, 2002, 119–121.
5. ‘‘Oprah Winfrey I Fell ‘Off the Wagon,’’’ People, December 22, 2008,
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20252101,00.html.
6. Alex Williams, ‘‘New Year, New You? Nice Try,’’ New York Times, December 31, 2008, http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/01/fashion/01change.html;
Atul Gawande, ‘‘The Man Who Couldn’t Stop Eating,’’ New Yorker, July 9,
2001, 66–75.
7. Alan Deutschman, Change or Die (New York: Regan, 2007).
8. Marilee C. Goldberg, The Art of the Question: A Guide to Short-Term
Question-Centered Therapy (Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 1998).
9. Timothy D. Wilson, Stranger to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2002).
10. Howard Rachlin, The Science of Self-Control (Cambridge, MA: Harvard
University Press, 2000).
11. Walter Mischel and Ozlem Ayduk, ‘‘Willpower in a Cognitive-Affective Processing System: The Dynamics of Delay of Gratification,’’ in Handbook of
Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications, ed. Roy F. Baumeister
and Kathleen D. Vohs (New York: Guilford Press, 2004), 99–129.
12. Amanda Fortini, ‘‘Special Treatment: The Rise of Luxury Rehab,’’ New
Yorker, December 1, 2008, 40–48.
294
notes
295
13. The elephant as a metaphor for the unconscious ego-mind is in the teachings
of Sathya Sai Baba and Ramana Maharshi. Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness
Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic
Books, 2006), suggested the boy rider and elephant as a metaphor for the
conscious and unconscious minds.
CHAPTER TWO: RECOGNIZE YOUR TWO SELVES
1. Elkhonon Goldberg, The Executive Brain: Frontal Lobes and the Civilized
Mind (New York: Oxford University Press, 2001).
2. John A. Bargh and Tonya L. Chartrand, ‘‘The Unbearable Automaticity of
Being,’’ American Psychologist 54, no. 7 (1999): 462–479.
3. Ken Keyes Jr., Handbook to Higher Consciousness (Coos Bay, OR: Love Line
Books, 1988).
4. Timothy D. Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive
Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2002).
5. Pujan Roka, Bhagavad Gita on Effective Leadership: Timeless Wisdom
for Leaders (New York: iUniverse, 2006); Arvind Sharma, Classical Hindu
Thought: An Introduction (London: Oxford University Press, 2000);
Bhagavad Gita, ch. 3, v. 42.
6. Roka, Bhagavad Gita on Effective Leadership; Sharma, Classical Hindu
Thought; Bhagavad Gita, ch. 3, v. 42.
7. A Course in Miracles (Mill Valley, CA: Foundation for Inner Peace, 1992).
8. Martin E. P. Seligman, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and
Your Life (New York: Vintage Books, 2006).
9. Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves.
10. Brandon J. Schmeichel and Roy F. Baumeister, ‘‘Self-Regulatory Strength,’’
in Handbook of Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications, ed.
Roy F. Baumeister and Kathleen D. Vohs (New York: Guilford Press, 2004),
84–98.
11. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Meetings, Version 2.0, at Microsoft,’’ New York Times,
May 17, 2009, B2.
12. The research by Michael Kane, a psychologist at UNC Greensboro, was
reported in Malcolm Ritter, ‘‘Mind-Wandering Intrigues Psychologists,’’
Tennessean, March 20, 2007, 5A.
13. Eckhard Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (New York:
Dutton, 2005), 31–32.
14. Belle Linda Halpern and Kathy Lubar, Leadership Presence (New York:
Gotham Books, 2003).
296
notes
15. Jodi Kantor, ‘‘For a New Political Age, a Self-Made Man,’’ New York
Times, August 28, 2008, A1, A21; David Brooks, ‘‘Thinking About
Obama,’’ New York Times, October 17, 2008, A33; Jodi Kantor, ‘‘Barack
Obama, Forever Sizing Up,’’ New York Times, October 26, 2008,
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/26/weekinreview/26kantor.html?page
wanted=print.
16. Adam Bryant, ‘‘In a Near-Death Event, a Corporate Rite of Passage,’’ New
York Times, August 2, 2009, B2.
17. Jim Fannin, S.C.O.R.E. for Life: The Secret Formula for Thinking Like a
Champion (New York: HarperCollins, 2005).
18. Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in
Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic Books, 2006).
19. Jerome Groopman, How Doctors Think (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2007).
20. Sent-ts’an, ‘‘On Trust in the Heart,’’ in Buddhist Texts Through the Ages, ed.
E. Conze (New York: HarperCollins, 1954), 295.
21. Richard L. Daft, The Leadership Experience, 4th ed. (Mason, OH: SouthWestern, 2008).
22. Ram Charan, Know-How: The 8 Skills That Separate People Who Perform
from Those Who Don’t (New York: Crown, 2007), 83.
23. Adam Bryant, ‘‘At Yum Brands, Rewards for Good Work,’’ New York
Times, July 12, 2009, B2.
CHAPTER THREE: THREE TENDENCIES THAT DISTORT YOUR REALITY
1. Mitchell Zuckoff, ‘‘The Perfect Mark,’’ New Yorker, May 15, 2006, 36–43.
2. Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan, Confronting Reality: Doing What Matters
to Get Things Right (New York: Crown Business, 2004), 11.
Unconscious (Cambridge MA: Belknap Press, 2002).
4. These research findings were summarized in Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on
Happiness (New York: Knopf, 2006).
5. Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness; Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic Books,
2006).
6. Haidt, Happiness Hypothesis, 29.
7. Eric Klein and John Izzo, Awakening Corporate Soul: Four Paths to Unleash
the Power of People at Work (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 1999);
‘‘John Izzo Leadership Speaker,’’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
R9C3wJbjsN4.
notes
297
8. Holly Hom and Jonathan Haidt, ‘‘The Bonding and Norming Functions of
Gossip’’ (in preparation, University of Virginia), cited in Haidt, Happiness
Hypothesis, 54.
9. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1995); Marcial Losada and Emily Heaphy, ‘‘The Role of Positivity and
Connectivity in the Performance of Business Teams,’’ American Behavioral
Scientist 47, no. 6 (2004): 740–765.
10. M. W. McCall Jr. and M. M. Lombardo, Off the Track: Why and How Successful Executives Get Derailed, Technical Report No. 21 (Greensboro, NC:
Center for Creative Leadership, 1983).
11. Michael Ray and Rochelle Myers, Creativity in Business (New York: Broadway Books, 1986).
12. Riccardo Orizio, Talk of the Devil: Encounters with Seven Dictators (New
York: Walker, 2004).
13. Helen Phillips, ‘‘Mind Fiction: Why Your Brain Tells Tall Tales,’’ New Scientist, October 7, 2006, http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19225720
.100-mind-fiction-why-your-brain-tells-tall-tales.html.
14. G. H. Estabrooks, Hypnotism (New York: Dutton, 1943), 78.
15. Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness.
16. Sydney Finkelstein, Jo Whitehead, and Andrew Campbell, ‘‘The Illusion
of Smart Decision Making: The Past Is Not Prologue,’’ Journal of Business
Strategy 30, no. 6 (2008): 36–43.
17. Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness.
18. Chris Argyris, Strategy, Change and Defensive Routines (Boston: Pitman,
1985).
19. Ibid.
20. Robert Wright, The Moral Animal (New York: Pantheon, 1994), 280.
CHAPTER FOUR: EVERY LEADER’S SIX MENTAL MISTAKES
1. Adam Bryant, ‘‘In Praise of All That Grunt Work,’’ New York Times,
May 31, 2009, B2.
2. Adam Bryant, ‘‘There’s No Need to Bat .900,’’ New York Times, April 5,
2009, B2.
3. Adam Bryant, ‘‘He Wants Subjects, Verbs and Objects,’’ New York Times,
April 26, 2009, B2.
4. Paul Tough, ‘‘Can the Right Kinds of Play Teach Self-Control?’’ New York
Times Magazine, September 27, 2009, 30–35.
298
notes
5. Adapted from ‘‘The Bosses and John, Their Subordinate,’’ case UVA-OB0217 (Charlottesville: Darden Business Publishing, University of Virginia).
6. Robert Lee Hotz, ‘‘The Science Journal: Get out of Your Own Way,’’ Wall
Street Journal, June 27, 2008, A9.
7. Adam Bryant, ‘‘He Was Promotable, After All,’’ New York Times, May 3,
2009, B2.
8. Srikumar S. Rao, Are You Ready to Succeed? Unconventional Strategies for
Achieving Personal Mastery in Business and Life (New York: Hyperion,
2006).
9. Benedict Carey, ‘‘A Shocker: Partisan Thought Is Unconscious,’’ New York
Times, January 24, 2006, F8.
10. Michael B. Metzger, ‘‘Managing Our ‘Inner Lawyer,’ ’’ Business Horizons
52, no. 1 (2009): 7–12.
11. Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter, What Got You Here Won’t Get You
There (New York: Hyperion, 2007), 45–46.
12. Maia Szalavitz, ‘‘10 Ways We Get the Odds Wrong,’’ Psychology Today,
January/February 2008, 96–101.
13. Tom Vanderbilt, Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do (and What It Says
About Us) (New York: Knopf, 2008).
14. Chris Argyris, Strategy, Change and Defensive Routines (Boston: Pitman,
1985), 11–12.
15. David C. Glass and Jerome E. Singer, Urban Stress: Experiments on Noise
and Social Stressors (New York: Academic Press, 1972).
16. Ellen J. Langer, The Psychology of Control (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage,
1983), 241–250.
17. Shelley E. Taylor, Positive Illusions: Creative Self-Deception and the Healthy
Mind (New York: Basic Books, 1989).
18. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Planes, Cars, and Cathedrals,’’ New York Times, September
6, 2009, B2.
19. This definition was drawn from the ‘‘Procrastination Central’’ Web site of the
University of Calgary, http://www.procrastinus.com/.
20. Dominique Browning, ‘‘Woman’s Estate,’’ New York Times Book Review,
January 4, 2009, 10.
21. Sumantra Ghoshal and Heike Bruch, ‘‘Going Beyond Motivation to the
Power of Volition,’’ MIT Sloan Management Review 44, no. 3 (Spring 2003):
51–57.
22. Dan Lovallo and Danielle Kahneman, ‘‘Delusions of Success: How Optimism
Undermines Executives’ Decisions,’’ Harvard Business Review, July 2003,
56–63, 117.
notes
299
23. Douglas R. Hofstadter, Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid,
20th anniv. ed. (New York: Basic Books, 1999), 152; Jane Collingwood, ‘‘Hofstadter’s Law and Realistic Planning,’’ PsychCentral,
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/hofstadters-law-and-realistic-planning/.
24. Martin Wolk, ‘‘Cost of Iraq War Could Surpass $1 Trillion,’’ MSNBC,
updated March, 17, 2006, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11880954/.
25. Thom Shanker, ‘‘New Strategy Vindicates Ex-Army Chief Shinseki,’’ New
York Times, January 12, 2007, A13.
26. Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, vol. 1, Standard Edition
of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (1930; London:
Hogarth Press and Institute of Psychoanalysis, 1953), 75–76.
27. Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, Intrinsic Motivation and
Self-Determination in Human Behavior (New York: Plenum, 1985).
28. Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive
Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1999).
29. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Can You Pass a CEO Test?’’ New York Times, March 15,
2009, B2.
30. Jonathan Roof, Pathways to God (Prasanthi Nilayam, India: The Convener,
Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, 2006), 3:96.
31. Kohn, Punished by Rewards.
32. Nouk Sanchez and Tomas Vieira, Take Me to the Truth: Undoing the Ego
(Winchester, England: O Books, 2007), 64–65.
33. This term was coined by Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell, ‘‘Hedonic
Relativism and Planning the Good Society,’’ in Adaptation Level Theory: A
Symposium, ed. M. H. Apley (New York: Academic Press, 1971), 287–302.
CHAPTER FIVE: ENGAGE YOUR INTENTION
1. Lynne McTaggart, The Intention Experiment: Using Your Thoughts to
Change Your Life and the World (New York: Free Press, 2007), 127.
2. ‘‘Muhammad Ali’s Biography,’’ Blogs.com, http://www.biogs.com/famous/
alimuhammad.html.
3. McTaggart, Intention Experiment, 128.
4. Gary Mack with David Casstevens, Mind Gym: An Athlete’s Guide to Inner
Excellence (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2001), 112.
5. This exercise was developed by Janet Simmons and Don Irwin of the Developmental Educational Learning Institute in Des Moines, Iowa, 1993.
6. Dan Heath and Chip Heath, ‘‘Make Goals Not Resolutions,’’ Fast Company,
February 2008, 58–59.
300
notes
7. Mack with Casstevens, Mind Gym.
8. A. H. Dorfman and Karl Kuehl, The Mental Game of Baseball: A Guide to
Peak Performance, 3rd ed. (South Bend, IN: Diamond Communications,
2002), 139.
9. Charles Garfield, ‘‘Peak Performers,’’ Success, February 1986, cited in Dorfman and Kuehl, Mental Game of Baseball, 143–144.
10. Much of this discussion is based on McTaggart, Intention Experiment, ch. 9.
11. D. Smith, P. Holmes, D. Collins, and K. Layland, ‘‘The Effect of Mental
Practice on Muscle Strength and EMG Activity,’’ Proceedings of the British
Psychological Society Annual Conference 6, no. 2 (1998): 116.
12. Robert Scaglione and William Cummins, Karate of Okinawa: Building
Warrior Spirit (North Clarendon, VT: Total Publishing, 1993); ‘‘Creative Visualization,’’ Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creative
visualization.
13. McTaggart, Intention Experiment.
14. Ibid.
15. Jim Fannin, S.C.O.R.E. for Life: The Five Keys to Optimal Achievement
(New York: HarperCollins, 2005), 30–35.
16. Dan Hill, Emotionomics: Leveraging Emotions for Business Success
(London: Kogan Page, 2009).
17. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Stumping for Votes, Every Day,’’ New York Times, June 27,
2009, B2.
18. Emile Coué, Self Mastery Through Conscious Autosuggestion (New York:
American Library Service, 1922).
19. These examples are drawn from Timothy D. Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves:
Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press,
2002), 32; and Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern
Truth in Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic Books, 2006), 13–14.
20. Grainne M. Fitzsimons and John A. Bargh, ‘‘Automatic Self-Regulation,’’
in Handbook of Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications, ed.
Roy F. Baumeister and Kathleen D. Vohs (New York: Guilford Press, 2004),
155–170.
21. Lauren Collins, ‘‘The Vertical Tourist,’’ New Yorker, April 20, 2009, 69–79.
CHAPTER SIX: FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR INTENTIONS
Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2002), 176–178.
2. Donald G. Phillips, Lincoln on Leadership: Executive Strategies for Tough
Times (New York: Business Plus, 1992).
notes
301
3. Judy Battista, ‘‘Secret to Stealers Coach Tomlin’s Success: Take Notes,’’ New
York Times, January 26, 2009, D1, D7.
4. Peter M. Gollwitzer, ‘‘Implementation Intentions: Strong Effects of Simple
Plans,’’ American Psychologist 54, no. 7 (July 1999): 493–503.
5. Cornelius J. Koenig and Martin Kleinmann, ‘‘Time Management Problems
and Discounted Utility,’’ Journal of Psychology 141, no. 3 (May 2007):
321–335.
6. Cornelius J. Koenig and Martin Kleinmann, ‘‘Deadline Rush: A Time Management Phenomenon and Its Mathematical Description,’’ Journal of Psychology 139, no. 1 (January 2005): 33–45.
7. Dan Ariely and Klaus Wertenbroch, ‘‘Procrastination, Deadlines, and Performance: Self-Control by Precommitment,’’ Psychological Science 13, no. 3
(May 2002): 219–224.
8. Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman, ‘‘Judgment Under Uncertainty:
Heuristics and Bias,’’ Science 185, no. 4157 (September 27, 1974):
1124–1131.
9. Adam Bryant, ‘‘For This Guru, No Question Is Too Big,’’ New York
Times, May 24, 2009, B2; Jim Collins, ‘‘Forget Strategy. Build Mechanisms
Instead,’’ Inc., October 1997, 45–47.
10. Steve Ballmer’s comments on his time management can be viewed at
http://online.wsj.com/public/page/lessons-in-leadership.html.
11. Adam Bryant, ‘‘He Was Promotable, After All,’’ New York Times, May 3,
2009, B2.
12. Terri Cullen, ‘‘The $500 Rule: Managing His, Mine and Our Money,’’ Wall
Street Journal, January 24, 2008, D1.
13. Colette A. Frayne and J. Michael Geringer, ‘‘Self-Management Training for
Improving Job Performance: A Field Experiment Involving Salespeople,’’
Journal of Applied Psychology, 83, no. 3 (2005): 361–372.
14. Pamela Weiler Grayson, ‘‘Dieting? Put Your Money Where Your Fat Is,’’
New York Times, February 5, 2009, E8.
15. Atul Gawande, ‘‘A Life-Saving Checklist,’’ New York Times, December 30,
2007, http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/30/opinion/30gawande.html? r=
2&oref=slogin.
16. Mike Stobbe, ‘‘Checklists Cut Surgery Errors in Half, Study Finds,’’
Tennessean, January 15, 2009, 12A; Liz Szabo, ‘‘Studies: Surgeons
Could Save Lives, $20B by Using Checklist,’’ USA Today, January 14,
2009, http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-01-14-surgerychecklist N.htm.
302
notes
17. Atul Gawande, ‘‘The Checklist,’’ New Yorker, December 10, 2007, 86–101.
18. David Allen, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity (New
York: Viking Penguin, 2001).
CHAPTER SEVEN: CALM DOWN TO SPEED UP
1. Laraine Herring, Writing Begins with the Breath: Embodying Your Authentic
Voice (Boston: Shambhala, 2007), 113.
2. James’s essay was described in Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics: A New
Way to Get More Living out of Life (Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall,
1960), 73.
3. Sivi Hustvedt, ‘‘Arms at Rest,’’ New York Times, February 7, 2008, http://
migraine.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/07/arms-at-rest/?scp=1&sq=%
22arms%20at%20rest%22&st=cse.
4. John Paul Newport, ‘‘When 3 Feet Is a Mile,’’ Wall Street Journal, August 2–3,
2008, W5.
5. Carol Hymowitz, ‘‘Executive Adopts Motto for Job Stress: Work Hard, Be
Nice,’’ Wall Street Journal, April 16, 2007, B1.
6. Cassell Bryan-Low, ‘‘Yoga Bears: It’s No Stretch to Say Traders Are Taking
Deep Breaths,’’ Wall Street Journal, July 24, 2008, A1, A12.
7. Stacey Forster, ‘‘Companies Say Yoga Isn’t a Stretch—Physical, Emotional
Benefits Are Praised as More Firms Look to Cut Health Costs,’’Wall Street
Journal, October 14, 2003, D4.
8. Herring, Writing Begins with the Breath, 79–80.
9. The importance of willingness compared to wishing or forcing is mentioned
in Beatrice Bruteau, Radical Optimism: Practical Spirituality in an Uncertain
World (Boulder, CO: Sentient, 2002), 35; and in A Course in Miracles (Mill
Valley, CA: Foundation for Inner Peace, 1992).
CHAPTER EIGHT: SLOW DOWN TO STOP YOUR REACTIONS
1. Kevin Maney, ‘‘Marc Andreessen Puts His Money Where His Mouth Is,’’
Fortune, July 20, 2009, 39–48.
2. Michael Bloomberg, ‘‘The Best Advice I Ever Got,’’ Fortune, May 12,
2008, 73.
April 26, 2009, B2.
4. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Imagining a World of No Annual Reviews,’’ New York
Times, October 18, 2009, B2.
notes
303
2009, BU2.
6. Adam Bryant, ‘‘The Benefit of a Boot out the Door,’’ New York Times,
November 8, 2009, B2.
7. Donald T. Phillips, Lincoln on Leadership: Executive Strategies for Tough
Times (New York: Business Plus, 1992).
8. Jerome Groopman, How Doctors Think (Boston: Houghton Mifflin,
2007), 74.
9. Danny Meyer, ‘‘The Saltshaker Theory,’’ Inc., October 2006, 69–70;
adapted from Danny Meyer, Setting the Table: The Transforming Power of
Hospitality in Business (New York: HarperCollins, 2006).
There (New York: Hyperion, 2007), 55.
11. The use of mental stimuli has been described in various books on neurolinguistic programming. The application to food cravings is also described in
Paul McKenna, I Can Make You Thin (New York: Sterling, 2008).
CHAPTER NINE: GET TO KNOW YOUR INNER ELEPHANT
1. Coeli Carr, ‘‘Redesigning the Management Psyche,’’ New York Times, May
26, 2002, B3, B14.
2. W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Tennis (New York: Random
House, 1997).
3. Colette A. Frayne and J. Michael Geringer, ‘‘A Social Cognitive Approach
to Examining Joint Venture General Managers,’’ Group and Organization
Management 19, no. 2 (1994): 240–262.
4. Bill George, Peter Sims, Andrew N. McLean, David Mayer, and Diana
Mayer, ‘‘Discovering Your Authentic Leadership,’’ Harvard Business
Review, February 2007, 129–138.
5. This list is taken from Christopher Peterson, A Primer in Positive Psychology (New York: Oxford University Press, 2006), 142–146. This text is an
excellent source for a deeper explanation of each strength.
6. Ibid., 158–159.
7. Jerry L. Fletcher, Patterns of High Performance: Discovering the Ways People Work Best (San Francisco: Barrett-Koehler, 1993).
8. Ibid., 49.
9. These suggestions are from Peterson, A Primer in Positive Psychology,
159–162.
10. Eliyahu M. Goldratt, What Is This Thing Called Theory of Constraints and
How Should It Be Implemented? (Great Barrington, MA: North River Press,
1990).
304
notes
11. Timothy D. Wilson, Stranger to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2002).
12. Gary Rivlin, ‘‘He Naps, He Sings. And He Isn’t Michael Dell,’’ New York
Times, September 11, 2005, 1, 7.
13. George, Sims, McLean, Mayer, and Mayer, ‘‘Discovering Your Authentic
Leadership.’’
14. Adam Bryant, ‘‘The Keeper of That Tapping Pen,’’ New York Times, March
22, 2009, B2.
15. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Knock-Knock: It’s the CEO,’’ New York Times, April 12,
2009, B2.
16. Stephen P. Kaufman, ‘‘Evaluating the CEO,’’ Harvard Business Review,
October 2008, 53–57.
17. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Feedback in Heaping Helpings,’’ New York Times, March
29, 2009, B2.
2009, B2.
19. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Imagining a World of No Annual Reviews,’’ New York
Times, October 18, 2009, B2.
20. Eric Schmidt, ‘‘The Best Advice I Ever Got,’’ Fortune, July 6, 2009, 48.
21. Julia Lawlor, ‘‘Personality 2.0,’’ Red Herring, April 1, 2001, 98–103.
22. Ram Charan, Know-How: The 8 Skills That Separate People Who Perform
from Those Who Don’t (New York: Crown Business), 170–172.
23. Quoted by Michael Eisner, in an interview by Laura Rich, ‘‘Talk About Failure,’’ Industry Standard, July 30, 2001, 41–47.
24. Patricia Sellers, ‘‘Lessons of the Fall,’’ Fortune, June 9, 2008, 70–80.
25. Warren G. Bennis and Robert J. Thomas, Geeks and Geezers: How Era,
Values, and Defining Moments Shape Leaders (Cambridge, MA: Harvard
Business School Press, 2002).
26. Chris Argyris, ‘‘Teaching Smart People How to Learn,’’ Harvard Business
Review, May/June 1991, 100.
27. Patricia Sellers, ‘‘So You Fail. Now Bounce Back!’’ Fortune, May 1, 1995,
48–66.
28. For research on the benefits of trauma, see Camille B. Wortman, ‘‘Posttraumatic Growth: Progress and Problems,’’ Psychological Inquiry 15, no. 1
(2004): 81–90. Studies on posttraumatic growth are reported in Richard
G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun, ‘‘Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundations and Empirical Evidence,’’ Psychological Inquiry 15, no. 1
(2004): 1–18; Susan Nolen-Hoeksema and Christopher G. Davis, ‘‘Positive
Responses to Loss,’’ in Handbook of Positive Psychology, ed. C. R. Snyder
notes
305
and Shane J. Lopez (New York: Oxford University Press), 598–607; Richard
G. Tedeschi, Crystal L. Park, and Lawrence G. Calhoun, eds., Posttraumatic
Growth: Positive Changes in the Aftermath of Crisis (Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum,
1998).
29. The quoted image is from Sobonfu E. Some, ‘‘Wisewoman: The Other
Side of Failure,’’ Essence, March 2004, 141, excerpted from Sobonfu E.
Some, Falling out of Grace: Meditations on Loss, Healing, and Wisdom (El
Sobrante, CA: North Bay Books, 2003).
30. Haidt, Happiness Hypothesis, 136–141, provides a clear overview of the theories of posttraumatic growth.
31. Thomas Cleary, trans., Zen Lessons: The Art of Leadership (Boston: Shambhala, 1989), 43.
32. Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet (New York: Knopf, 1987), 58.
33. Quoted in Jonathan Roof, Pathways to God (Faber, VA: Leela Press, 1991),
168.
34. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Connecting the Dots Isn’t Enough,’’ New York Times,
July 19, 2009, B2.
35. Sellers, ‘‘So You Fail.’’
CHAPTER TEN: EXPAND YOUR AWARENESS
There (New York: Hyperion, 2007), 167.
2009, B2.
3. Adam Bryant, ‘‘The Keeper of That Tapping Pen,’’ New York Times, March
22, 2009, B2.
4. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Charisma? To Her, It’s Overrated,’’ New York Times, July 5,
2009, B2.
5. Kent W. Siebert and Marilyn W. Daudelin, The Role of Reflection in Managerial Learning: Theory, Research, and Practice (Westport, CT: Quorum, 1999).
6. Rick Smith, ‘‘What Jack Welch Taught Me,’’ New York Times, December 21,
2008, B8.
2009, B2.
8. Patricia Raber Hedberg, ‘‘Learning Through Reflective Classroom Practice:
Applications to Educate the Reflective Manager,’’ Journal of Management
Education 33, no. 1 (February 2009): 10–36.
9. Quoted in Jonathan Gosling and Henry Mintzberg, ‘‘Reflect Yourself,’’ HR
Magazine, September 2004, 151–156.
306
notes
CHAPTER ELEVEN: SHARPEN YOUR CONCENTRATION
1. Alice Schroeder, The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life (New
York: Bantam Books, 2008).
2. Maggie Jackson, ‘‘May We Have Your Attention, Please?’’ BusinessWeek,
June 23, 2008, 55–56.
3. Kabir Edmund Helminski, Living Presence: A Sufi Way to Mindfulness and
the Essential Self (New York: Penguin Putnam, 1992).
4. David Brooks, ‘‘The Frozen Gaze,’’ New York Times, June 17, 2008,
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/17/opinion/17brooks.html?scp=1&sq=
%22the%20frozen%20gaze%22&st=cse; Michael Sokolov, ‘‘The Tiger
Files,’’ New York Times, July 14, 2002, http://www.nytimes.com/2002/07/
14/magazine/the-tiger-files.html?scp=1&sq=%22the%20tiger%20files%22
&st=cse.
5. William James, Principles of Psychology, vol. 1 (New York: Henry Holt,
1910), 403–404.
6. Patricia Monaghan and Eleanor G. Viereck, Meditation: The Complete
Guide (Novato, CA: New World Library, 1999).
April 25, 2009, B2.
8. Colin Powell, ‘‘The Best Advice I Ever Got,’’ Fortune, July 6, 2009, 48.
9. John Paul Newport, ‘‘Golf Journal: Tiger’s Search for Golf Stamina,’’ Wall
Street Journal, March 7–8, 2009, W4.
10. Richard J. Machowicz, Unleash the Executive Within (New York: Harlow,
2002), 138.
11. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World
Through Mindfulness (New York: Hyperion, 2005), 73.
CHAPTER TWELVE: DEVELOP YOUR WITNESS
1. Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn, The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
(New York: Guilford Press, 2007).
2. As told in Osho, Osho Upanishad (India: Rebel Publishing House, 2001),
available at http://www.messagefrommasters.com/Life of Masters/Jiddu/
Observer is the Observed.htm.
3. Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn, Mindful Way.
4. Ibid., 153.
5. David Brooks, ‘‘Lost in the Crowd,’’ New York Times, December 16, 2008,
A37.
notes
307
6. Sharon Begley, Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain (New York: Ballantine
Books, 2007), 140–141.
7. J. M. Schwartz, P. W. Stoessel, L. R. Baxter Jr., K. M. Martin, and M. E.
Phelps, ‘‘Systematic Changes in Cerebral Glucose Metabolic Rate After
Successful Behavior Modification Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder,’’ Archives of General Psychiatry 53, no. 2 (February 1996):
109–113.
8. Who Am I: The Teachings of Bhagavan Sri Ramana Marashi, 24th ed. (Tamil
Nadu, India: Sri Ramanasramam Tiruvannamalai, 2008).
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: REPROGRAM YOURSELF
1. The Way of a Pilgrim and The Pilgrim Continues His Way, trans. R. M. French
(San Francisco: HarperOne, 1991), 93.
2. Jonathan Roof, Pathways to God (Faber, VA: Leela Press, 1990).
3. Thomas Ashley-Farrand, Healing Mantras: Using Sound Affirmations for Personal Power, Creativity, and Healing (New York: Wellspring, 1999).
4. Ibid.
5. Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdul-Bahá Abbas, vol. 3 (New York: Bahá’ı́ Publishing Committee, 1930), 641.
6. Bahá’u’lláh, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf (Wilmette, IL: Bahá’ı́ Publishing
Trust, 1988), 93.
7. Debra Williams, ‘‘Scientific Research of Prayer: Can the Power of Prayer Be
Proven?’’ PLIM Report 8, no. 4 (1999), http://www.plim.org/PrayerDeb.htm.
8. John Tierney, ‘‘For Good Self-Control, Try Getting Religious About It,’’ New
York Times, December 30, 2008, D2.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: MEND YOUR MIND WITH MEDITATION
1. David Lynch, Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity (New York: Tarcher, 2006), 4.
2. Ibid., 7.
3. Ibid., 75.
4. Michelle Conlin, ‘‘Meditation: New Research Shows That It Changes the
Brain in Ways That Alleviate Stress,’’ BusinessWeek, August 23, 2004,
136–137.
5. Roger Berkowitz, ‘‘The Way I Work,’’ Inc., July 2008, 85–87.
6. Conlon, ‘‘Meditation.’’
7. Maria Bartiromo, ‘‘Facetime: Jerry Levin on What He’s Learned in His Second Life,’’ BusinessWeek, July 14, 2008, 23–24.
308
notes
8. Oliver Ryan, ‘‘Om Work,’’ Fortune, July 23, 2007, 193–194.
9. Ibid.
10. Whitney Joiner, ‘‘Staring at Death, and Finding Their Bliss,’’ New York
Times, September 17, 2007, http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/13/movies/
13dhar.html?scp=1&sq=%22staring%20at%20death%22&st=cse.
11. Conlon, ‘‘Meditation.’’
12. Shauna L. Shapiro, Gary E. Schwartz, and Ginny Bonner, ‘‘Effects of
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Medical and Premedical Students,’’
Journal of Behavioral Medicine 21, no. 6 (1998): 581–599.
13. Patricia Leigh Brown, ‘‘In the Classroom, a New Focus on Quieting the
Mind,’’ New York Times, June 16, 2007, A8.
14. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World
Through Mindfulness (New York: Hyperion, 2005), 75.
15. Adapted from Sai Baba, Meditation, pamphlet published under the auspices
of the Sri Sathya Sai Baba Spiritual Council of Canada (n.d.).
16. Ibid.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: CHANGE YOUR FRAME TO SEE PEOPLE
1. These questions are modified from an exercise in Melvin R. McKnight,
‘‘Organizational Behavior as a Phenomenological, Free-Will Centered
Science’’ (unpublished manuscript, College of Business Administration,
Northern Arizona University, 1997).
2. This discussion is based on McKnight, ‘‘Organizational Behavior,’’ and Abraham H. Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being (New York: Van Nostrand,
1963).
3. Martin Buber, I and Thou, trans. Ronald Gregor Smith (New York: Scribner’s, 1958).
4. Steven R. Weisman, ‘‘For Wolfowitz, a 2nd Chance Dissolves into Failure,’’
New York Times, May 17, 2007, A1, A12.
5. The Arbiter Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box
(San Francisco: Barrett-Kohler, 2000).
6. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Think ‘We’ for Best Results,’’ New York Times, April 19,
2009, B2.
7. Indra Nooyi, ‘‘The Best Advice I Ever Got,’’ Fortune, May 12, 2008, 74.
8. Adam Bryant, ‘‘The Divine, Too, Is in the Details,’’ New York Times, June
21, 2009, B2.
9. Sally Jenkins, ‘‘Coughlin’s Successful Formula,’’ Washington Post,
December 22, 2005, E1; Ralph Vacchiano, ‘‘There’s a Softer Side of Tom
notes
309
Coughlin,’’ New York Daily News, January 30, 2008, 56; ‘‘Tom Coughlin,
Giants Roll with Changes,’’ New York Daily News, January 27, 2008,
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/giants/2008/01/27/2008-0127 tom coughlin giants roll with changes.html.
10. George Vecsey, ‘‘Living and Learning, Changing and Winning,’’ New York
Times, July 27, 2008, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/27/sports/football/
27vecsey.html?scp=3&sq=%22living%20and%20learning%22&st=cse;
Greg Garber, ‘‘Tom Coughlin’s Startling Personality Makeover Remains
Intact,’’ ESPN.com, January 17, 2008, http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/
playoffs07/columns/story?columnist=garber greg&id=3200779.
11. Ernie Palladino, ‘‘Coughlin’s Changes Helped Giants Come Together,’’ USA
Today, January 18, 2008, http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs07/columns/
story?columnist=garber greg&id=3200779.
12. Vecsey, ‘‘Living and Learning.’’
13. David Bollier, ‘‘Building Corporate Loyalty While Rebuilding the Community,’’ Management Review, October 1996, 17–22.
14. Kent Clarke, ‘‘Key Assets,’’ Sky, September 1997, 103–107; KeyCorp,
‘‘2,600 KeyCorp Employees to Work on ‘Neighbors Make the Difference
Day’ Volunteer Project in Cleveland,’’ press release, September 6, 2006.
15. I want to thank Michael Ray, Stanford Business School, for providing me
with his exercise ‘‘Do What You Love,’’ on which my exercises are based.
16. Adam Bryant, ‘‘Ensemble Acting, in Business,’’ New York Times, June 6,
2009, B2.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: CHANGE YOUR FRAME TO ASK QUESTIONS
1. Leigh Buchanan, ‘‘In Praise of Selflessness; Why the Best Leaders Are Servants,’’ Inc., May 2007, 33–35.
2. Cari Tuna, ‘‘Micromanagers Miss Bull’s-Eye,’’ Wall Street Journal, September 3, 2008, B4.
3. Robert B. Dilts, Strategies of Genius, vol. 1 (Capitola, CA: Meta Publications,
1994), 282.
4. Adam Bryant, ‘‘He Prizes Questions More Than Answers,’’ New York Times,
October 25, 2009, B2.
5. Dorothy Leeds, Smart Questions: The Essential Strategy for Successful Managers (New York: Berkley Books, 1988).
6. Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan, Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things
Done (New York: Crown Business, 2002).
7. This discussion and questions are based on Vikki Clawson and Robert
Bostrom, ‘‘Outcome-Directed Thinking: Questions That Turn Things
310
notes
Around’’ (unpublished paper, Athens, GA, Bostrom & Associates, 2003),
http://www.terry.uga.edu/∼bostrom/Outmodel.doc.
8. Kim H. Krisco, Leadership and the Art of Conversation: Conversation as a
Management Tool (Rocklin, CA: Prima, 1997).
9. Curtis Sittenfeld, ‘‘The Most Creative Man in Silicon Valley,’’ Fast Company,
December 19, 2007, http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/35/ray.html.
10. ‘‘Good to Great Expectations: Jim Collins on Getting to the Next Level,’’
BusinessWeek, August 25, 2008, 32–33.
11. David Petraeus, ‘‘The Best Advice I Ever Got,’’ Fortune, May 12, 2008, 75.
12. Leigh Buchanan, ‘‘The Personality Makeover,’’ Inc., March 2009, 60–61.
13. Principles of Bahá’ı́ consultation can be found at the following Web
sites: http://www.bci.org/bahaistudies/courses/consult principles.htm,
http://www.netcomuk.co.uk/∼vickers/warwick bookshop/pages/
consultation.html, and http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&
ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GPTB enUS294US294&q=%22some+aspects+of+
baha%27i+consultation%22.
14. ‘‘Consultation,’’ Bahá’ı́s of Warwick Bookshop, http://www.netcomuk.co
.uk/∼vickers/warwick_bookshop/pages/consultation.html.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: LIVING AND LEADING FROM YOUR INNER
EXECUTIVE
1. Andrew Gordon, ‘‘Star Wars: A Myth for Our Time,’’ http://web.clas.ufl.edu/
users/agordon/starwars.htm.
2. This list draws from Jon Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness (New York: Delta
Trade Paperbacks, 1990), 33–45; and David R. Hawkins, Transcending the
Levels of Consciousness: The Stairway to Enlightenment (West Sedona, AZ:
Veritas, 2006), 167–185.
3. This discussion was drawn from Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight: A
Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey (New York: Plume, 2006).
4. Zindel V. Segal, J. Mark G.Williams, and John D. Teasdale, MindfulnessBased Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing
Relapse (New York: Guilford Press, 2002), 57.
About the Author
•
Richard L. Daft is the Brownlee O. Currey Jr. Professor of Management in
the Owen Graduate School of Management, Vanderbilt University, where
he specializes in the study of leadership, organizational performance, and
change management. Daft received his MBA and PhD from the University
of Chicago, is a Fellow of the Academy of Management, and has served
on the editorial boards of Academy of Management Journal and Administrative Science Quarterly. He also served as associate dean at Owen,
was the associate editor in chief of Organization Science, and served for
three years as associate editor of Administrative Science Quarterly.
Daft has authored or coauthored thirteen books, including his worldwide best-selling textbooks, Organization Theory and Design, 10th ed.
(Cengage/South-Western, 2010) and Management, 9th ed. (Cengage/
South-Western, 2010). Daft also wrote The Leadership Experience, 5th
ed. (Cengage/South-Western, 2010). He has authored dozens of scholarly
articles, papers, and chapters on the topics of organization design, innovation and change, and information processing. He is listed among the
world’s most highly cited authors in the fields of economics and business.
Daft also is an active teacher and consultant. He has taught leadership,
change management, organization design, organizational behavior, management consulting, and strategic management. He has been involved
in leadership development and organizational change consulting for
many companies and government organizations, including the National
Academy of Science, American Banking Association, Bell Canada, BristolMyers Squibb, Bridgestone/Firestone, J. C. Bradford & Co., Aegis
Technology, Central Parking System, the U.S. Army, the U.S. Air Force,
Tennessee Emergency Pediatric Services, Vanderbilt University Medical
Center, Vanderbilt Medical Group, Jacoby & Meyers Law Offices, TVA,
Allstate Insurance, State Farm Insurance, Oak Ridge National Laboratory, Pratt & Whitney, Nortel, United Methodist Church, USAA, and
First American National Bank.
311
Exercise Index
•
A
Acting, as technique, 120–122, 137
Aim low approach, 112–113
Anchor word, for meditation,
228–232
Appreciation exercises, 258–259
Asking five questions, 189–191
Authentic Happiness Web site,
149–150
Autosuggestion: basics of, 87–89;
exercise for, 85; and watching
thoughts, 198
B
Babysitter technique, 108–109, 111
Bad behavior, and punishment,
140–143
Bahá’ı́ consultation, 271–272
Be bored exercise, 136–137
Beads, for autosuggestion, 85
Blacked-out room, with poisonous
snake, 180
Body, relaxation of, 115–120
Body scan, 196–197
Breathing: to develop witness, 196;
focus on, 21–24; and meditation,
229, 231, 232–234; and three deep
breaths technique, 129, 131
Brushing teeth, and practice of focus,
184, 186
Busyness, and exercises, 285
C
Calming down techniques, 108–111,
113–115
Cat and mouse visualization, 236–237
Chanting/singing, of mantra, 218–219
Checklist, to eliminate errors,
102–103, 106
Colors, and visualization, 79–80
Compatibility groups, for calming
down, 109–111
Consultation exercises, 271–273
Contract, to commit to behavior,
101–102, 106
Conversation with inner elephant,
122–124
Conversations, ending of, 188–191
Count to ten technique, 128, 131
Critical thoughts, questions about,
202–205
D
Deadline exercise, 98
Divided self, exercise to experience,
21–25
Divine name, repetition of, 209–210,
212
E
Eating a meal, and practice of focus,
183
313
314
exercise index
Ember of coal, and visualization,
234–236
Empty the cup technique, 132–135,
284
End-of-day review. See Review the day
Exercises, best ones, 284
Expanded awareness, 173–174
Eye color, identifying of, 186
Eye contact, 187–188
In all things, consult, 268–274, 284
Inner elephant, observation exercise
for, 28
Intentional thinking, exercises for,
23–25, 198, 212–219
Interrupting, techniques for stopping,
104–105, 132–135
Inward focus, exercises to develop,
196–200
F
J
Face, looking at in mirror exercise,
197
Face-to-face meetings, 155–156
Familiar room, visualization of, 78
Familiar task, visualization of, 78
Fasting, 138–140
Find your reaction pattern, 131, 132
Five questions, asking of, 189–191
Flower, focus on, 179
Focus on specific issue, 172–174
Focus on your breath, 21–24
Forgiveness meditation, 258
Fragmented feeling, techniques to deal
with, 108–111
Frame of reference, exercises for,
246–249, 256–259, 264–268
Jaw area, focus on to develop witness,
196
Judgmental thoughts, questions about,
202–205
Just get started approach, 112–114
Just pretend technique, 121
Just say no technique, 138–140
G
Getting started, tips for, 283–284
H
Hearing intentional thoughts, 24–25
High-performance pattern, 151–152,
153
Higher consciousness, and ideas from
J. Taylor, 282–283
I
Image on wall, focus on, 179
Implementation intentions, exercise
for, 93–95, 105–106
K
Kinesthetic sensations, and
visualization, 79
Knots on string, for autosuggestion,
85
L
Laundry, and practice of focus, 184,
186
Lemon, and visualization, 79
Let go of tension, as relaxation
method, 116–117, 120, 185
Let it happen approach, 111–113
Light (Jyoti) meditation, 235–236
Listening, exercises to improve,
187–191
Lying down, to facilitate relaxation,
116–117, 120
M
Making a gentle request, 122–124
Mantra, use of, 212–219, 255, 259,
283, 285
315
exercise index
Media fast, 139–140
Meditation, practice of, 228–238
Mind, relaxation of, 115–120
Mindfulness meditation, 231,
232–234
Morning, and focus, 185–186
N
Name of person, repeating of, 186
Negative thoughts, as trigger for
mantra, 216, 218
Pupil of speaker’s left eye, focus on,
187–188
Puzzlement, for meditation, 237–238
Q
Questions: for critical thoughts,
202–205; for meditation,
237–238; for review of the day,
167–168
R
O
Observe your impulsive behavior,
130–132
Observe your inner elephant, 28
One-on-one feedback, 156
Outcome-focused questions, 264–268
P
Pain watching exercise, 198
Paraphrasing, to improve listening,
188–191
Partner: for review of the day,
166–169; for self-management,
110–111
Passive attitude, for meditation, 229,
230–232
Penalties, for undesired behavior,
140–143
Personal system, to support new
behavior, 105–106
Phrase, for autosuggestion, 85, 88–89
Physical routine, for relaxation, 117,
120
Prayer, use of, 219–222
Present moment, focus on, 181–186,
198–199
Pretending, to be angry, 137
Progressive muscle relaxation, 116,
120, 185, 228
Punishment, for undesired behavior,
140–143
Reading, and reflection, 173
Reading slowly exercise, 197
Relaxation techniques, 115–120,
185–186
Resisted items, subtasks for, 93–95,
98
Review the day, 162–169, 268, 284
Roommate contract, 101
Routine tasks, and practice of focus,
183–186
Rules and procedures, 100–101
S
Saliva, focus on, 196
Scorecard, 28, 42, 103–105, 106
Scripture verse, for meditation,
237–238
See with Your Heart exercise,
256–259
Seeing intentional thoughts, 24–25
Self-image, and use of mantra,
212–219
Self-improvement, and getting started,
283–284
Self-inquiry, techniques for, 200–205
Senses, and visualization, 79
Short-answer questions, for review of
the day, 167–168
Sipping water, and practice of focus,
184, 186
Sit by the elevator approach, 113–115
316
exercise index
Sit by your problem approach,
113–115
Sitting at desk, 184
Sitting near others, 108–111
Stepping away, for relaxation, 117,
120
Still point, 236
Stop and think techniques, 126–132
STOP technique, 128, 131
StrengthsFinder 2.0 Web site, 150,
153
Subtasks, for resisted items, 93–95, 98
Support groups, 108–111
Synchronizing, of anchor and breath,
231, 232
T
Talking ball, for conversations, 99,
105–106
Think the 8 Ts technique, 128, 131
Thinking day, 170
Thirty-second rule, 186–187
‘‘This too will pass’’ technique, 130,
132
Thoughts: focus on in meditation,
236–237; writing of, 197
Three deep breaths technique, 129,
131
Tiny bites approach, 112–113
‘‘To clarify and confirm . . .’’
statement, 188–191
To-do lists, 93–95, 106
Twenty-four-hour rule, 130, 132
Twenty-four personal strengths, 150
Two selves exercise, 21–25
U
Unfocused feeling, techniques to deal
with, 108–111
Unintentional thoughts, and mantra,
212–219
V
Vacation spot, and visualization, 79
Verbalization of intention exercise,
85
Videotapes, for feedback, 155, 158
Visualization: guidelines for, 78–80;
and just pretend technique, 121;
and meditation, 234–236; and
punishment by association, 142,
143
W
Wait for reaction 2 technique, 129,
131
Wait one minute technique, 128, 131
Watching intentional thoughts, 198
Welcome thoughtful wisdom, 174
‘‘Who am I?’’ exercise, 205–207
Write it down technique, 129–130,
131, 197
Index
•
A
Action, and conflict with intention,
5–7
Adversity, benefits of, 159
‘‘Aha’’ moments, 169
Alcoholics Anonymous, 109
Ali, M., 71–72
Allen, D., 105
Allen, J., 177
Amos, D., 81
Anderson, R., 54, 127, 181
Andreessen, M., 126
Anger, 54, 127, 137
Argyris, C., 48–49, 58, 159
Arnold, M., 147
Asking questions, and changing frame
of reference, 262–268
Attention, focus of, 179–180
Attorney, internal. See Internal
attorney
Attraction behavior, 61–63
Authentic Happiness Web site, 149
Automatic mental processes, 17–19,
22–27, 31–33, 47, 82–89,
200–207
Autosuggestion, 82–89, 128, 131,
198, 268, 284. See also Mantra
Aversive mental stimulus, 142, 143
Avoidance behavior, 60–63, 78,
108–115, 120–124
B
Bahá’ı́ faith, 215, 271–272
Ballmer, S., 28, 100
Bartz, C., 127, 156
Baudouin, C., 82
Bearden, J., 147–148, 149, 152
Behavior, 5–7, 108–115. See also
Avoidance behavior
Bennett, A., 125
Bennis, W. G., 158
Benson, H., 228
Berkowitz, R., 226
Bhagavad Gita 2:67, 15
Blink (Gladwell), 289
Bloomberg, M., 126–127
Borg-Warner Chemicals, 255–256
Bossidy, L., 38
Brain, and concept of divided self,
16–17
Brain scientist, story of, 280–283
Brecht, B., 90
Brenneman, G., 65–66, 127, 171
Brooks, D., 199
Brown, T., 263
Buber, M., 249
Buddha, 15
Buddhism, 40, 195, 212, 215, 232,
236
Buffet, W., 149, 153, 177–178
Busquet, A., 160
Busyness, and change, 285
317
318
index
C
D
Calming down, 108–115
Cardozo, B. N., 243
Center for Creative Leadership, 42
CEOs, failures of, 5
Cetta, P., 136
Chambers, J., 30
Charan, R., 32, 38, 264
Chrysalis, story of, 263
Clarke, A. C., 52
Coaching, for feedback, 156–158
Cognitive-behavioral therapy, 286
Cold calls, avoidance of, 109–110
Collins, J., 100, 269–270
Concentration. See Focus; Meditation;
Witness
Conditioned responses, 25–27
Confabulations, 45–46
Confirmation bias, 57
Confronting Reality: Doing What
Matters to Get Things Right
(Bossidy and Charan), 38
Connection with others, 108–111
Conscious mental processes, 17–19,
20, 25
Consciousness, levels of, 16–25,
277–283
Constraints, theory of, 152
Consultation, and changing frame
of reference, 268–274
Contemplation, to know yourself,
169–174
Contemplative meditation, 237–238
Control, desire for, 58–59
Corbin, T., 117
Coué, E., 82–84
Coughlin, T., 254–255
Creativity, and contemplation,
169–174
Critical parent approach, futility of,
111–112
Cullen, T., 100–101
Cushard, G., 262
D. E. Shaw, 118
Deadlines, setting of, 96–98
Deci, E., 65
Defending self, and inability to see
reality, 48–50
Defense mechanisms, 48–49
Destructive comments habit, 140–141
Detachment, from emotions/impulses,
135–137
The Dhamma Brothers (film), 227
Dictators, interviews of, 45
DISC profile, 149
Discursive meditation, 237–238
Disidentification, 193–194
Disney, W., 158
Distractions, 94, 106, 178–179
Divided self, concept of, 9–11, 16–25
Doing, and conflict with knowing, 5–7
Donohoe, J., 53, 155, 170
Dorfman, H. A., 76
Drucker, P., 267
E
Eastern philosophy, 19–20
‘‘Eat the marshmallow’’ study, 54
Edison, T., 275
Ego shattering, 159
Einstein, A., 20, 209
Elephant. See Inner elephant
Elephants, training of in India, 25–26
Eliot, T. S., 172, 192
Emergency room decisions, 135
Emerson, R. W., 71
Emotional avoidance, 60–61
Emotions/impulses, detachment from,
135–137
End-of-day review, 162–169
Epictetus, 125
Exaggeration, of the future, 62–64
Executive. See Inner executive
Executive coach, for feedback,
156–158
Exposure therapy, 114
319
index
External reward, 64–67, 180–182
Externally triggered mental processes,
17–19
F
Failure, benefits of, 158–161
Fannin, J., 79, 117
Farmer in boat story, 40
Fault finding, 41–45
Feedback, to know yourself, 153–158
Ferrazzi, K., 226
Filling-in trick, of internal magician,
46–47
Firing Back: How Great Leaders
Rebound After Career Disaster
(Sonnenfeld and Ward), 160–161
Five stallions myth, from India, 9
Fletcher, J., 151
Flow, definition of, 61
Focus: on means, 180–182; on people,
186–191; and slow down, look,
and listen, 183–186; of your
attention, 179–180
Focused intention. See Visualization
Food cravings, 138–140, 142
Frame of reference: changing of,
253–260; concept of, 245–246;
and consultation, 268–274; and
leadership attributes, 246–249; and
shift to asking questions, 262–268;
and views of people, 249–253
Franklin, B., 9
Frasier, J., 71–72
Free time, use of, 120–124
Fuld, R., 57
Full cup of tea story, 132–135
Furrer, W., 243–245
Future, exaggeration of, 62–64
G
Gallwey, T., 148
Gandhi, I., 223
Gandhi, M., 246
Garfield, C., 77
Gates, B., 177–178
GE Plastics, 255–256
Geeks and Geezers: How Era, Values,
and Defining Moments Shape
Leaders (Bennis and Thomas), 158
George, B., 226
Getting Things Done: The Art of
Stress Free Productivity (Allen),
105
Gibran, K., 160
Gilbert, D., 47
Gladwell, M., 289
Goal-oriented thinking, letting go of,
180–182
Goal setting, 92–93
Goldsmith, J. S., 237
Goldsmith, M., 57, 140–141, 156,
166–167
Gould, S. J., 261
Gratifications, chasing wrong type of,
64–67
Groopman, J., 31, 135
Groove theory of habits, 148–149
Gupta, V., 157
Gut response, 56–57
H
Habits, 140–141, 148–149, 285–286
Haidt, J., 31
The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding
Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom
(Haidt), 31
Happiness, search for, 64–67
‘‘Hedonic treadmill,’’ 66–67
Herring, L., 118
Herrmann Brain Dominance
Instrument, 149
Higher consciousness, nature of,
277–283
Hill, N., 82–83, 84
Hinduism, 19–20, 40, 212, 215
Hofstadter’s Law, 63
Holliday, C., 29
320
index
Homer, 61–62
How Doctors Think (Groopman), 31,
135
Humanness frames, for seeing people,
249–253
Hustvedt, S., 115–116
Hutt, J., 255–256
Huxley, A., 209
Hyatt, M., 12, 139–140
Hypnosis, 46
I
Iger, R., 55, 100
Illusion, 40, 45–47, 59
Imagery training, 73–82
Immelt, J., 30
Implementation intentions, 93–95,
105–106
Impulses/emotions, detachment from,
135–137
Inflexible thinking, 56–57
Inner critic, 43–45
Inner elephant: concept of, 9–11, 25,
27–33, 277; evidence for, 16–21;
proper role of, 11–14
Inner executive: concept of, 9–11, 25,
27–33, 288–289; emerging
qualities of, 278–280; evidence for,
16–21; and getting started,
283–284; leading from, 11–14
The Inner Game of Tennis (Gallwey),
148
Intensive care units, and checklist,
102–103
Intentional thinking, 17–19, 23–25,
212–219
Intentions: and conflict with action,
5–7; tangible mechanisms for,
98–106; and visualization, 73–82;
writing down of, 91–95
Internal attorney, 48–50, 154, 159
Internal judge, 41–45, 154
Internal magician, 45–47, 154, 159
Interrupting, 54, 104–105, 132–135
Intrinsic pleasure, 64–67
Intuition, nature of, 289
Iraq war, 63–64
Izzo, J., 41
J
James, W., 115, 179
Jesus Prayer, 209–210, 215
Jordan, M., 117
Judging others and self, 41–45, 154
Jumping to the wrong conclusion,
54–55
K
Kabat-Zinn, J., 189, 196, 234
Karsh, M., 118
Katie, B., 201–202
Katzenberg, J., 129
Kaufman, S., 155
Kent, C., 177
KeyCorp, 256
King with wiggling foot story, 195
Know yourself: and contemplation,
169–174; and feedback, 153–158;
and review the day, 162–169; and
self-assessment, 148–153; and
setbacks, 158–161
Knowing, and conflict with doing, 5–7
The Knowing-Doing Gap: How Smart
Companies Turn Knowledge into
Action (Pfeffer and Sutton), 5
Kohn, A., 66
Kopp, W., 170
Kosecoff, J., 252
Kuehl, K., 76
L
Langer, E., 59
Lao-Tzu, 90, 147
Leadership: attributes of, 246–249;
and inner executive, 11–14; and
views of people, 249–253; and
visualization, 80–82
321
index
Leadership and Self-Deception:
Getting out of the Box (Arbiter
Institute), 251
Lee, J., 260
Lengel, B., 269, 270–271
Levin, G., 226
Levy, D., 53, 127
Like-dislike judgments, 31–33,
41–45
Lincoln, A., 32–33, 92, 129
Lindsey, L., 63–64
Listening, 132–135, 187–191
Lo, S., 271
Loehr, J., 8
Longfellow, H. W., 107
Luke Skywalker, 275–276
Lundgren, T., 154
Lynch, D., 223–224, 225
M
Machowicz, R., 183
Madoff, B., 61
Magician, internal. See Internal
magician
Maharshi, R., 205, 207
Mahfouz, N., 261
Mantra: for busy people, 285; to
change frame of reference, 255,
259; and cognitive-behavioral
therapy, 286; and higher
consciousness, 283; power of,
284; and self-image, 210–219
Marcus Aurelius, 71, 162
Marenzi, G., 266
Maslow, A., 247
Massinger, P., 3
McClellan, S., 46
Means, focus on, 180–182
Medea, 3
Meditation: benefits of, 226–228; and
contemplative meditation,
237–238; evaluation of, 284; and
mindfulness meditation, 231,
232–234; reasons for, 224–226;
two essentials of, 230–232; and
visualization, 234–237; and way to
begin, 228–229
Meditation: The Complete Guide
(Monaghan and Viereck), 228
Mendicant, story of, 209–210
The Mental Game of Baseball: A
Guide to Peak Performance
(Dorfman and Kuehl), 76
Meyer, D., 136
Migraine headaches, 115–116
Mind, 19, 79, 115–120
Mindfulness meditation, 231–234
Mindshare, 212–213
Minow, N., 251
Monaghan, P., 228
Monkeys, capturing of, 66
The Moral Animal (Wright), 50
Mother Teresa, 113
Motivation, intrinsic versus
extrinsic, 65
Mulcahy, A., 154, 170
Mullaly, A., 59
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator,
147, 149
N
Narayen, S., 160
Negative/positive statements, 41–42,
82–89
Negative thoughts, as trigger for
mantra, 216, 218
‘‘Neighbors Make the Difference’’
day, 256
Neurology, and concept of divided
self, 16–17
Nin, A., 37, 192
Noisy schoolchildren story, 64–65
Nonconscious mental processes,
17–19, 22–23
Nooyi, I., 252
Novak, D., 32
Nursing home research, 59
322
index
O
Obama, B., 29–30
Objects frame, for seeing people,
249–254, 288
Observer and observed, concept of,
193–200
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
(OCD), 200–201
Odysseus, 61–62
‘‘Om,’’ as mantra, 215
Optimism, about the future, 63
Orizio, R., 45
Other-centeredness, and leadership,
247–249
Otis, Jr., C., 259–260
Overclaiming, and distortion of
reality, 39
Overreaction, prevention of, 126–132
P
People, focus on, 186–191, 288
Perception, and distortion of reality,
39–41
Personal growth, 158–161, 289–291
Personal system, to support new
behavior, 105–106
Pessimism, about the future, 63
Peterson, C., 150
Petraeus, D., 271
Pfeffer, J., 5
Positive/negative statements, 41–42,
82–89
Positive psychology, 150
Positive thinking, concept of in
popular books, 287–288
Pottruck, D., 154
Powell, C., 181
Prayer, 209–210, 215, 219–222
Presence, concept of, 27–30
Priming, verbal, 82–89
Procedures, as tangible mechanism,
100–101
Procrastination, 60–61
Psychology, and concept of divided
self, 17–19
Q
Questionnaire-type instruments, to
know yourself, 149–150
Questions, and changing frame of
reference, 262–268
R
Reacting too quickly, 53–56
Reality, inability to see: and feedback,
153–158; and internal attorney,
48–50; and internal judge, 41–45;
and internal magician, 45–47; and
overclaiming, 39; and perception,
39–41; and writing down
intentions, 91–92
Reflection, 169–174, 237–238
Relaxation, 115–120, 185–186
The Relaxation Response (Benson),
228
Rentokil, 47
RESPECT: A Musical Journey of
Women (Marcic), 15–16
Review the day, 162–169
Reward, external. See External reward
Robert, A., 88
Rollins, K., 153
Rules, as tangible mechanism,
100–101
Rumsfeld, D., 64
S
Saltshaker theory, 136
Sathya Sai Baba, 160, 162, 235
Scharer, K., 155
Schmidt, E., 157
Schopenhauer, A., 243
Schwartz, J., 200–201
Self-assessment, 148–153
Self-awareness, 148–153
323
index
Self-centeredness, and leadership,
247–249
Self-confidence, 213–214
Self-control, at an early age, 54
Self, defending of, and inability to see
reality, 48–50
Self, divided, concept of, 9–11,
16–21
Self-image, and use of mantra,
210–219
Self-improvement, general, 283–284
Self-inquiry, to develop witness,
200–207
Self-judgments, 43–45
Self Mastery Through Conscious
Autosuggestion (Coué), 82–84
Self-monitoring, 104
Self-talk, 82–83
Seligman, M., 25, 149, 150
Senses, and visualization, 79
Service projects, to change frame of
reference, 255–256
Shakespeare, W., 37
Shantideva, 275
Show and tell, and leadership, 80–82
Shumaker-Krieg, D., 118
Signature Strengths questionnaire,
149–150, 153
Slow down, look, and listen, and
focus, 183–186
Slowing down: to detach from
emotions/impulses, 135–137; to
eliminate undesirable behavior,
138–140; to prevent overreaction,
126–132; and punishment,
140–143; to stop interrupting,
132–135
Smith, R., 171
Solitude, relationship to, 173
Sonnenfeld, J., 160–161
Sports, 76–80, 117
Star Wars (film), 275–276
Stephen, M., 226
Stewart, M., 158
Stickk.com (Web site for contracts),
102, 142
Strengths, importance of focus on,
149–153
Stumbling on Happiness (Gilbert), 47
Suffering, benefits of, 159
Suggestion and Autosuggestion
(Baudouin), 82
Superego, 43–45
Supportive exposure therapy, 114
Sutton, B., 5
T
Tangible mechanisms, for intentions,
98–106
Taylor, J., 280–283
Temper, 54, 127, 137
Teresa of Avila, 223
Think and Grow Rich (Hill), 82–83
Thomas, R. J., 158
Thompson, C., 47
Thoughts: changing of, 197, 200–205;
as separate from oneself, 193–200,
236–237; unintentional type of,
212–219
Time discounting, 96
Tolle, E., 28–29
Tomlin, M., 92
Transcendental Meditation (TM),
223, 225
Turner, T., 158
Turning inward, and witness,
193–200
U
Unconscious mental processes, 17–19,
22–23, 25
Utley, S., 117
V
Verbalization of intention, 82–89
Viereck, E., 228
324
index
Vipassana meditation, 236
Visualization: and autosuggestion, 87;
examples of, 73–76; guidelines for,
78–80; and just pretend technique,
121; and leadership, 80–82; and
meditation, 234–237; and
punishment by association, 142,
143; and sports, 76–80
Voice of judgment, 43–45
W
Ward, A., 160–161
Watson, T., 129
Weaknesses, overcoming of,
152–153
Weight Watchers, 106
Welch, J., 152, 171
Well-being, search for, 64–67
What Happened (McClellan), 46–47
‘‘Who am I?’’ asking of and witness,
205–207
Willpower, failure of, 7–9
Wilson, T., 152
Winfrey, O., 8, 158
Witness: and asking ‘‘Who am I?’’
205–207; concept of, 193; and
self-inquiry, 200–205; and turning
inward, 193–200
Wolfowitz, P., 64, 250
Wolfskehl, D., 261–262
Woods, T., 179
Worley, J., 37–38
Wright, R., 50
Writing, of intentions, 91–95
Y
Yastrzemski, C., 76–77
Yoga, 117–120
YUM Brands, 157–158
Z
Zen story about tea, 132–135
Praise for The Executive and the Elephant
“Wow, what a book! I started to breeze through it, and I ended up reading and
thinking about every chapter. . . . The Executive and the Elephant touches both
my brain and my heart, and the effect is at once humbling and energizing. I’m
going to send copies to everyone I care about who is under pressure, working
hard, and in a leadership position.”
—WILLIAM OUCHI, Sanford and Betty Sigoloff Distinguished Professor in Corporate Renewal, UCLA; author of Theory Z
“Outstanding! Dick Daft has shed a whole new light on what it takes to set you
apart as an effective leader. If I had read this book earlier in my career, I would
have arrived sooner to the chairmanship of Bridgestone Americas.”
—MARK A. EMKES, retired chairman, CEO, and president, Bridgestone Americas, Inc.
“Filled with practical suggestions and novel insights, The Executive and the
Elephant will transform anyone into a more effective leader.”
—JEFFREY PFEFFER, Thomas D. Dee II Professor of Organizational Behavior,
Stanford Graduate School of Business; author of Power: Why Some People Have
It—And Others Don’t
“For thousands of years we have been programmed to think that leading
change means doing things ‘to’ other people. In this wonderful book, Dick
Daft helps us successfully transform ourselves into the leader—and person—
we want to become.”
—ROBERT E. QUINN, M.E. Tracy Collegiate Professor, Ross School of Business,
University of Michigan; author of Deep Change and Change the World
“This magniﬁcent book contains a tapestry of wisdom from around the world
that shows leaders how to begin serious self-transformation by someone who
has been there, done that.”
—PETER VAILL, senior scholar and emeritus professor of management, Antioch
University
“This book is a ‘bible’ for [leadership] self-development.”
—RONALD E. RIGGIO, Henry R. Kravis Professor of Leadership and Organizational
Psychology, Claremont McKenna College
LEADERSHIP
$27.95 U.S. | $33.95 Canada
Cover image by Tim Flach | Stone | Getty
Cover design by Adrian Morgan
www.josseybass.com

The Executive and the Elephant: A Leader`s Guide for Building Inner

Transcription

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