Recovery Today Magazine

RIVER
A POWERFUL MEDITATION FOR HEALING
FROM ADDICTION
DETACHING FROM THE
DEPENDENCY MINDSET
RecoveryToday
ADDICTION, RECOVERY AND SOBRIETY
ISSUE 8, JULY 2015
HOW DOES
ANONYMITY FIT INTO
PRESENT DAY RECOVERY IN
THE ERA OF SOCIAL NETWORKS?
DOING TOUGH
LOVE WITH
MY SON
LED US BOTH TO
RECOVERY
UP THE
DOWN
STAIRCASE
DH Peligro and Garuda Love
CHANGE YOUR ENERGY: OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE
Content
2
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
DOING TOUGH LOVE WITH MY SON
03 LED US BOTH TO RECOVERY
UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE
06 D H PELI G RO AND G ARUDA LOV E
HOW DOES ANONYMITY FIT INTO PRESENT DAY
10 REC OVERY I N T HE ERA OF S OCIA L N ETWOR KS?
RECOVER YOUR BODY
12 AND YOUR MIND WILL FOLLOW
RIVER: A POWERFUL MEDITATION FOR
15 HEALING FROM ADDICTION
16 DETACHING FROM THE DEPENDENCY MINDSET
CHANGE YOUR ENERGY
18 OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
DOING TOUGH
LOVE WITH
MY SON
LED US BOTH TO RECOVERY
As the mother of a recovering addict, I am
blessed that my son eventually chose sobriety.
And, for sure, being sober is a choice. Everyday,
my son consciously chooses to stay sober. Today he is four years sober, and believe it or not,
I do not worry about him relapsing.
Not worrying about my son relapsing was a
breakthrough in my life. However, getting to
that point was not easy. Just like my son chose
sobriety, I had to choose to “Let Go” and to
“Let God.” I did tough love with my son, Ryan,
in 2002, when he was twenty-five. My journey
through his addiction to his recovery encompasses over eleven years and is written as a
memoir in my book, How One Parent Engaged
Addiction: A Mother’s Healing Journey Through
Her Son’s Addiction.
When I did tough love with my son and engaged
his addictions head on (after coming out of
denial), I figuratively grabbed my sword, mounted
my horse and went into battle. I intended to be
victorious. In my victory, I intended to pull my
son out of the monsters’ grips. I intended to
save my son’s life and to slay his demons.
What I did not intend, was to uncover my
dysfunctional behavior. It wasn’t my son’s
monsters that needed slaying. They were my
own! Only Ryan could fight his battles. Only
Ryan could slay his demons. I had demons of
my own staring me in the face. My demons were
as cunning for me as Ryan’s were for him. I was
knocked off my horse onto my knees countless
times before I could even recognize the diseases
of codependency, enabling, and denial, as the
symptoms of my diseased thinking.
As codependent parents, most of us frustrate
ourselves by a destructive form of helping,
known as enabling. Enablers have a difficult
time letting go. By not letting go, we deprive our
children of recovery. We need to hit bottom as
codependents. We need help. Intellectually we
realize we shouldn’t enable or help our addict
children, yet most of us do. In our helping, we
keep them helpless.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
3
My biggest learning curve didn’t take
place until 2008 when I met Anne
Salter, an addictions specialist from
Delray Beach, Florida. Anne explained
to me how addiction is a family
disease and how our family-of-origin
and early childhood wounds affect us
and how we carry those wounds into
our adulthood, into all relationships,
and our parenting. Anne opened my
heart and mind to seeing my own
inner wounded child self, who I had
suppressed many years before.
It’s interesting because I would never
have sought the counseling of an
addictions therapist for myself. I had
never gone to therapy throughout all of
my life’s challenging years. I read selfhelp books and handled everything
by myself. I associated shame and a
stigma to seeing a therapist. I was born
in 1950 and in those days, if anyone
went to a psychiatrist, they had to be
crazy. I don’t remember if back in the
60’s there were psychologists, but no
one I knew would ever consider seeing
a “shrink.”
I learned a tremendous amount
from Anne Salter, and I thank God
every day for her being put into my
life. It’s interesting how the Universe
works. I had a BA in English, so I
offered to help edit and organize
Anne’s book called, Family Stew:
Our Relationship Legacy, as a gift to
Anne, and to gain experience as an
editor. While reading and editing
her book, I realized I needed to
recover just as much as my son.
Though not addicted to drugs and
alcohol, I was ill in my codependent
thinking and behavior. In 2010, when
my son went into rehab, I realized if
I expected him to face his demons
and to recover, I also needed to face
mine. I chose to become a non-toxic,
healthy mother and woman.
4
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
MY BIGGEST LEARNING CURVE DIDN’T TAKE PLACE
UNTIL 2008 WHEN I MET ANNE SALTER, AN ADDICTIONS
SPECIALIST FROM DELRAY BEACH, FLORIDA.
I had to take an honest look at my childhood,
my family-of-origin, the poor choices I made
as a teenager and early adult, and how easy it
is to go off track in one’s life. Though I didn’t
use drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, I
found other ways to conceal my wounded
Self. For you see, I had suffered from a
broken teenage heart when I was nineteen.
I allowed cruel things said to me when we
broke up to negatively affect my self-esteem.
Not possessing the ability to understand my
internal pain, I started down a path of selfdestruction, much like our addict children. I
figured if he didn’t love me, then I must not be
lovable, and I allowed those negative feelings
to snowball into all kinds of poor choices and
self- defeating behaviors.
Fortunately, I knew the value of education, so
I did attend college. I made the Dean’s list,
graduated with honors, and became a very
successful businesswoman. I worked hard to
prove I was not stupid. I worked hard to achieve
all the financial rewards that provide evidence
to the world that one is successful. However,
while I was working hard and building my
empire of material wealth, I had failed to deal
with my emotional poverty and the buried pain.
I built walls around my heart. I never wanted to
be hurt again. I never wanted to be vulnerable.
I buried my head in denial with respect to my
emotional needs.
What I’ve learned is when we are young we
get hurt by many abusive situations. Some of
us allow those hurts to fester inside and to
tear us emotionally apart. No one teaches us
how to talk about those negative feelings and
how to get them out. Most of us didn’t feel we
could open up to our parents regarding our
painful emotions, so we buried them. We used
drugs, alcohol and nicotine to cover up those
negative feelings because no one taught us
they are simply part of being human. Some of
us become workaholics. Some of us become
sexaholics. There are many ways to run from
our pain-filled selves.
Today, I give thanks that I finally pulled my head
out of denial to face the truth about my son’s
addiction and my dysfunction as a codependent
mother. Today my son is happily married, and
I am a grandmother of a beautiful grandson.
Today, our family is successfully living in the
sober world, and I am grateful to be sharing our
success story in this publication.
Deni B. Sher
Deni B. Sher lives in Weston, Florida with her husband, Arthur. Possessing a love
of writing she returned to college at age fifty and received her BA in English
at fifty-two. Her passion is to shed light on familial dysfunction, codependency,
alcoholism, and drug addiction through her personal experience.
www.howoneparentengagedaddiction.com
You can find her book on Amazon here
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
5
UP THE DOWN
STAIRCASE
By DH Peligro and Garuda Love
DH Peligro is the legendary drummer of the
punk band Dead Kennedys. For over twenty
years he’s brought his singular style of sonic
slaughter to numerous bands, including the
Red Hot Chili Peppers and Nailbomb. DH
now plays guitar and fronts his own terror
trio, Peligro. Their sound is a fusion of punk
and metal spliced with reggae for spice
and pleasure. DH Peligro is a high-energy
and creative force. He throws his soul into
acting, playing music, and writing. He is the
author of the autobiography, Dreadnaught:
King of Afro-Punk. Among his film credits
are starring roles in Tweaked and Sex Date.
He will also be featured in the upcoming
film Erasing Eden.
Despite his success as an artist, DH has
struggled with addiction. Throughout
the last two decades, he’s had years of
sobriety peppered with relapses. Working
a twelve step program and avoiding
situations where the temptation to use
is strong has helped him during sober
periods. However, touring with a band
poses challenges to the sobriety of many
musicians. The temptations to party and
the distance from supportive friends and
twelve step meetings can be daunting.
“I had three years sober, and then in 2013,
I relapsed on tour in Brazil,” DH says. “That
kick started a two year cycle of relapses
with short periods of sobriety in between.
The disease is tricky--especially when I’m
on the road. If I’m in my ego and looking
for things outside of myself to fix me, then
they will manifest as sex and partying under the guise of “hanging out after the
show.” Sex usually goes along with using
6
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
DH PELIGRO
TWITTER
@XXXDHPELIGROXX
because when you’re high your inhibitions drop.
Now, it’s possible to hang out after gigs and stay
sober, but I’ve learned that if things get hairy--get
out! Play the tape through. I can’t stay in situations
where I’m tempted to use. I always need an exit
plan. I’ve relapsed on tour, but I’ve also toured for
years and stayed sober. The difference is where I
put my focus. What helps me stay sober is to make
the decision that I’m not going to use and that I’m
going to focus on my recovery. The best thing to do
on tour is to find a meeting, call, or text someone
in recovery. If I can’t do those things, then focusing
on my work helps. After the show I can just go back
to the hotel, prep my things for the next gig, eat,
and rest. Listening to speaker tapes or doing online
meetings helps too.”
DH now has almost five months sober. He admits that moving forward after a relapse is
challenging.” You have to get rid of all the
shame and guilt,” DH says. “It just keeps you
isolated and stuck in your disease. The
thing that’s most important is that you
don’t give up. You might fall, you might
stumble, but you get back up.”
Relapse also takes a toll on an addict’s
loved ones. Relationships with spouses
and significant others are particularly hard
hit. It’s magnified when both people in the
couple are recovering addicts. Relapse is one
of the most difficult things a recovering couple
can face. Most relationships implode when one
partner loses their sobriety. When DH relapsed, he
and his girlfriend, Garuda, chose to walk through
the fire together. It wasn’t easy, but they emerged
on the other side--a bit scorched--yet stronger and
wiser. Here DH and Garuda offer their experience,
strength, and hope for couples--or anyone--walking the road back from relapse to recovery.
DH: To qualify, I started drinking and smoking weed
when I was a teenager in St. Louis. That escalated
when I got into the music scene in San Francisco.
The using really took off after the DK’s broke up
in 1987. Flea, from the Chili Peppers, suggested I
move to LA. Flea was a dear friend and confidant
so I trusted his advice and crash landed into the LA
underground music scene. It was a hazy drug scene,
and I was catered to as punk star royalty--which is
a lot different than Motely Crue! But sex, drugs, and
rock and roll overflowed.
Over the last twenty years, that punk rock kingdom
crumbled. I was a heroin addict. I pawned off classic
guitars and drum kits, DK memorabilia, TV’s...
whatever would generate enough cash for the next
fix. At times I was homeless. I had life-threatening
abscesses, renal kidney failure, multiple overdoses,
and I spent two years in a wheelchair. I still couldn’t
stop using. I went through the grinder mill of
rehabs--over thirty of them--before I could finally
put together some time sober.
Garuda: I came into recovery in 1994. I was an
alcoholic and strung out on heroin and crack. I
worked in one of the sleaziest strip clubs in San
Francisco and bounced from junkie hotel to junkie
hotel in the Tenderloin. I was desperate and really
tired of using. A friend took me to rehab where I
started working a twelve step program. It took a
few years of relapsing for my sobriety to stick. Most
of my relapses were over relationships. Right now,
I’m coming up on ten years sober. When I met DH, I
had a little over six years.
DH: I’ve also relapsed over relationships. In
2001, I had six years sober when I started a long
distance relationship with a Brazilian woman. That
relationship was high-drama. It threw me out of
whack. When it imploded in 2006, I relapsed and
was in and out of recovery for several years. When I
met Garuda, in 2011, I had around two years sober.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
7
Ours was a story of boy-meets-girl on the A& A hippocampus in Hipsterville--Silverlake, California.
Garuda: I remember when we first started dating; I
liked to joke about our last names. His means Danger
and mine is Love. I like that because love is dangerous.
When you drop your masks and allow someone to
really know you, it’s risky. You’re vulnerable and what
they do affects you. When DH started relapsing, I was
devastated. I was so afraid that he would die. I also
worried about my own recovery. Some people told
me that I needed to leave DH to protect my sobriety.
DH: But, Garuda decided to stand by her man.
Garuda: That’s right! I love DH, and I’m glad that I
stuck by him. But I won’t sugar coat it. When your
man relapses, it’s hard. Everything is up in the air and
it’s messy. Sometimes, other destructive behavior can
ride along with relapse. When addicts use, all bets are
off. Keeping secrets, lying, hiding drug use, breaking
promises, blowing the rent on drugs, infidelity,
stealing--anything can happen. Decades before I met
him, DH got drunk and wound up in a high speed
chase at the Mexican border! These are the kinds of
things we addicts do when we’re in our disease. None
of it is personal. Still, it’s painful when someone
you love relapses. It is a profound experience of
powerlessness. If you’re also a recovering addict, it’s
DH PELIGRO BOOK,
DH PELIGRO BOOK,
DREADNAUGHT:
SUM OF OUR
KING OF AFROPUNK SURROUNDINGS
ON AMAZON
8
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
ON AMAZON
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
worse because you can’t use drugs to blunt the pain.
If you choose to stay with your partner, get ready
because things get crazy. You have to put your own
sobriety first. The way I did that was to decide each
day that I was going to stay clean--no matter what.
I stayed sober, but it wasn’t easy. I had to double my
meetings. Between AA and Al-Anon I went to one
or two meetings a day. Even so, a few times, I came
very close to relapse--but I played the tape through.
I called people and shared at meetings whenever I
felt like using. I also had my sponsors and around five
other people that I reached out to every day. I really
had to “keep it simple.” I focused on getting through
things “one day at a time.” As long as I kept the focus
on my life and my sobriety, I could stay buoyant. Even
though I was in pain, I could still have moments of
lightness and happiness.
DH: For me, the relapses were very foggy. However, I’d
have brief moments of clarity where I knew I needed
to stop. I was breaking Garuda’s heart and everyone
else’s heart around me--especially my own. Now the
thing about being in so many rehabs is that after you
relapse again, you know that using is a dead end. You
hit bottom very quickly. So my relapses got shorter and
shorter. When I was ready, I surrendered and asked for
help. On my journey, I’ve helped a lot of people and
put out a lot of love. When I asked for help, it came
back ten-fold. Even though I
didn’t care about myself, Garuda, my friends, and other amazing people from my meetings
did. Greg Hannley and a couple
of my friends helped me get
into treatment at SOBA. I went
back to working the steps with a
sponsor, and I’m moving forward
in my recovery and in my life.
DH & Garuda: We’re still in
the early months of moving
forward together after DH’s
relapse. Things don’t magically
heal when you get sober. Early
recovery can be tumultuous.
We’ve had our ups and downs,
but we’ve rolled with it. Right
now we’re taking the time to
just enjoy being with each
other. Staying sober and giving
each other space to work our
individual twelve-step programs
is our foundation. Without our
sobriety, we can lose everything-so that’s top priority. Rebuilding trust is important
too, but it takes time. Trust is like
love--it’s a feeling, but it’s also
an action. You trust by choos-
ing to do it. It’s normal to worry
about another relapse--especially during the first year of recovery, but we’re learning to be patient and gentle with each other
during the process. Working our
own programs helps us to trust
ourselves and to be honest with
each other. The thing with honesty is that sometimes you gotta say what you mean without
sparing each others’ feelings. In
recovery, shit gets real! But it
helps us grow in our relationship
and in life as well. Having fun and doing healthy
things together is important
too! We like cooking vegan
meals, doing yoga, working out,
meditating, going to the movies,
dancing, and writing together.
Balance is the key. Getting the
work done and then giving ourselves time to relax is the way
to go. We’re really happy that
we made it through a rough
time and that we’re both sober.
When we’re together we just
focus on enjoying each other’s
company, and enjoying where
we’re at on this journey.
Garuda Love
Garuda Love is a writer and an actor. She was First Editor of Dreadnaught:
King of Afro-Punk and studies creative writing at Goddard College. As
an actor, she has performed in numerous short films and the theatrical
production, Andy Dick’s Circus of Freaks. Garuda and DH are currently
writing the screenplay for the film adaptation of Dreadnaught.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
9
How does anonymity fit into present day
recovery in the era of social networks?
When I first came to recovery, my anonymity was critical to me. I was full of shame. Coming from a very
prominent family and not sure that I’d be able to maintain any continued success at abstinence, I wanted to keep my last name and any information about my background a secret. Today, with over 32 years
of recovery under my belt, I have no secrets. I’m no longer filled with shame about my past. I have done
my best to put my past behind me, and I know that my story has helped many find themselves “in the
rooms.” But what about that 11th Tradition and how does it fit into my recovery life today?
In the name of transparency and full
disclosure, I should tell you that I’m
one of the co-founders of InTheRooms.
com, which is the largest and fastest
growing social network for the global
recovery community. We’ve been
described as a “Facebook for Recovery.”
Because we operate on the Internet,
there are those that will always
bring up this topic of anonymity and
perceived tradition violations.
When Dr. Bob and Bill W. addressed
the important issue of anonymity back
in 1935, it was with the intent that
NO ONE PERSON was to act as a role
model for any particular fellowship. The
reason for that is easy to understand.
If that person relapsed then it said to
others that that particular fellowship
simply doesn’t work.
Additionally, back in the 30s there
was a deep-seated societal stigma
against addiction and alcoholism.
It was viewed as more of a moral
weakness, rather than a disease. Most
of us now know someone in recovery
today. They might be one of our
neighbors, our co-workers, our doctors
or our family members. The stigma
is starting to fade LARGELY because
we now know the efficacy of 12-step
10
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
recovery because SOMEONE wasn’t
totally anonymous!
Take a look at Facebook today, and
you’ll see many people discussing their
sobriety in their status updates. They
have their first AND last name there for
all to see, but most importantly, they
often mention the 12-step fellowship
that they belong to. People frequently
post pictures from AA/NA conventions
with no regard to who might be in the
background. Isn’t that a clear violation
of the 11th Tradition?
Faces and Voices, a Washington D.C.based advocacy group has often
suggested that we no longer describe
ourselves as “addicts” or “alcoholics,”
but simply state that we are people in
“long-term recovery” not mentioning
the particular fellowship that we attend.
To me, that bypasses the potential 11th
Tradition pitfalls while still letting
people know that we’re PROUD of our
recovery.
Through the proliferation of online social
networks, recovery is now accessible to
everyone, regardless of where you live, as
long as there’s a computer and a connection to the Internet. Support is only a couple of clicks away even in the middle of
the night! Is anonymity being compromised
in order to help others in need? Shouldn’t it
be if there’s a potential to shape or save lives?
Should there be a change in the wording of
the 11th Tradition?
Today,I’m a respectable,functioning member
of society. I am married to a woman I met
in recovery that now has over 29 years of
long-term recovery. We have been married
for 27 years and have two wonderful, welladjusted children ages 24 and 26 years old
whom have NEVER seen us pick up a drug
or drink. My wife is a preschool teacher,
and I am the Chief Operating Officer of
InTheRooms.com. I have served as a coach
for both soccer and little league, not to
mention being an elected official in my local
community. I would have given anything to
know, while I was sitting there 30 years ago
with a needle in my arm, that these things
were all possible.
Today we have the potential to give “the gift
of HOPE” to those that are still struggling
with their addiction, but in order to do so, I
believe that we must take a risk and break
our own anonymity. I further believe that
we need to do so responsibly, using similar
guidelines presented by Faces and Voices.
NOT doing so only helps to perpetuate the
myth that alcoholics and addicts simply
do not recover. We know today that the
lie is dead, we DO recover! We have the
ability today to be beacons of hope. Are
you taking the risk and letting people
know that there is hope available?
There’s an event taking place on October
4th in Washington DC called UNITE to
Face Addiction which is a grassroots advocacy effort organizing people, communities, and organizations to face addiction
and stand up for recovery. We are all coming together to let our nation know that
addiction is preventable and treatable,
and that far too many of those affected
have been incarcerated. We will let the
country know that people can and do get
well! By coming to this event, we have
the opportunity to put a face on what
Recovery actually looks like. We can give
hope to the the hopeless and at the same
time, give support to those that might be
struggling. Most importantly, we will be
letting our legislators know that many
of their constituents are in Recovery and
that we vote. We hope to see you there!
You can register by going to www.facingaddiction.org/partner/in-the-rooms/
and be sure to click I’m Going. Stay tuned
to InTheRooms.com for news, updates
and even live, interactive, video “Town
Hall meetings about the event. October
4th 2015, with your help, it’s the day that
the silence ends!
Ken Pomerance
Chief Operating Officer
Cell: 954-655-1300 | www.InTheRooms.com
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
11
RECOVER YOUR BODY,
AND YOUR MIND WILL FOLLOW
By Jennifer Matesa
After I relapsed at the beginning of 2010, I decided I
would have to do something different if I were going
to stay sober. By that time, it had been well over a
year since I’d detoxed, and the post-acute withdrawal
symptoms—restless legs, insomnia, my body’s inability to regulate its own temperature, and deadening
fatigue—had largely settled down.
I wasn’t sleeping well. In addition, even though it
didn’t feel like my body was a sack of sand, I was
dragging around with no real energy. I also realized
that even though I’d begun riding a stationary bike
during my active detox, I had long since quit that, too.
I’ve always preferred to exercise outdoors, and I hate
using machines.
As I took stock, however, I had to admit to myself
that although I was no longer wide awake at night,
Then three or four months after I relapsed, my friend
Julie asked me to play tennis with her.
12
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
I hadn’t picked up a tennis racquet since I’d stopped
seeing my college boyfriend twenty years before.
Dave had played varsity tennis, and in our freshman year, with an enormous amount of patience,
he taught me to play. He helped me acquire the
only racquet I’d ever owned until then—an oversized Head, in aluminum.
“They don’t even make them like that anymore,” I
thought to myself.
I wondered if that old racquet were still floating
around in the basement. Dave had believed I was
capable of learning to play, and he had been right:
I’d taken to it like a greyhound to the track. By the
end of the first year of his teaching me, I could
sometimes ace him with my serve. He took the little girl who had been chosen last for every team
and inside her, found the seeds of an athlete.
But a funny thing happened in my mind while I
was learning to play tennis. Despite all evidence to
the contrary (my boy’s surprised grins when I’d ace
him; the college tennis coach asking me to try out
for the women’s team; and last and always least,
my own enjoyment), I’d never “believed” I could
play any sport, so that’s what I kept telling myself.
So I didn’t try out for the team. I didn’t play with
anyone but Dave and his family. And when I lost
contact with them, I stopped playing.
When Julie asked me to join her on the courts, I
dug out my old metal racquet from a cobweb-covered corner of the cellar and cleaned it off. Julie
was a real beginner and I thought, so was I. But
once on court I realized the benefit—the priceless
gift—of excellent early instruction.
Good form and habits are hard to learn for any discipline, and I’d already learned them years before.
It was spooky: I could feel the old movements and
instincts Dave had ingrained in me still living inside my body. It was almost as if he were somewhere on the opposite side of the net, shouting
the same advice he used to call to me years before,
good advice that I needed to hear then and I still
need to hear now, on and off the court, and in my
recovery discipline:
Loosen your grip
Watch the ball
Follow through
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Don’t be afraid
Relax
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
13
I hadn’t “believed” I could play tennis—but in spite
of my “belief,” in spite of my negative attitudes
about myself and my capabilities, my body had so
thoroughly learned how to play that its musclemovements came back to me after a hiatus of more
than twenty years.
Or, rather, I came back to my body after such a long
absence.
In almost the same way, I hadn’t “believed” I could
ever recover from addiction, and yet my body had
gotten clean and sober. Once I recovered my body,
I could inhabit it and then recover my feelings, attitudes, values, and “beliefs.”
I hear people in recovery quite often asking how to
“believe” in God/Higher Power/Whatever when you
can’t see it, when that power doesn’t talk back. I don’t
conceive of myself as “believing in God.” I think about
my approach.
“Approach” is another tennis actionanother way to gain advantage over the
opponent. We fire an “approach-shot”
that’s hard for our opponent to return
and lets us get close to the net.
In recovery my opponents are obsession, delusion,
the panel of judges in my head—the so-called Itty
Bitty Shitty Committee. Today, my approach to “God”
is, I try not to pay much attention to what I “believe.”
Would it have mattered what I “believed” about my
athletic abilities if I had just gone ahead and kept
playing tennis?
What matters is what I do and how much I practice.
The ways in which I hit the shots, turn my body, lean
into the ball, how dedicated I am to staying healthy,
and keeping my body and mind moving.
And I remember that, whatever I do, no matter how
much I practice or how dedicated I am to my recovery, I’m bound to double-fault or hit the ball out-ofbounds. I miss the mark. I’m human, and I screw up.
To strive for a goal of perfection is to participate in
the great delusion, that maddening ongoing saga of
perfection I like to write in my mind.
Adapted from The
Recovering Body
Physical and
Spiritual Fitness for
Living Clean and
Sober
by Jennifer Matesa
(Hazelden Publishing, 2014).
Jennifer Matesa
Jennifer Matesa is a writer, speaker, and author of three nonfiction books
about body, mind and healing. Her fourth book, about sexuality and recovery,
is forthcoming in 2016. Her commitment to bringing the public reliable
information and experience about addiction and recovery has earned her a
fellowship at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
(SAMHSA). She reports widely and runs the award-winning blog Guinevere Gets
Sober (http://guineveregetssober.com).
Connect with her on Twitter (@Guinevere64), Facebook and
Instagram (@jenmatesa).
14
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
RIVER
A POWERFUL MEDITATION FOR
HEALING FROM ADDICTION
By Lindy Ariff, MSW
Meditation is a powerful tool to relax the mind and create space for
healing and rejuvenation. A daily
meditation practice incorporated
into treatment is a valuable tool for
recovery from drugs and addiction. A
growing body of research shows that
meditation can rewire our brains
and increases space in our minds
to help us better respond to stress,
make smarter decisions, and overall
improve the quality of your life.
Guided Imagery is a type of meditation that speaks directly to your
subconscious mind, the part of your
mind that houses your feelings and
emotions. This part of your mind
responds to symbols and imagery
to literally guide your mind, body,
and soul in healing. I am a trained
clinical hypnotherapist and love
creating individual meditations for
clients, guiding and allowing your
own mind to create exactly what it
needs in order to heal itself.
River is the perfect symbol for
recovery, it’s a powerful symbol
for strength and resiliency. River
flows effortlessly around obstacles, transforms the earth around
you, powerfully carving canyons
and smoothing rocks. River also
knows when to slow down and
enjoy its own gentle strength.
River flows from fresh mountain
snow, gracefully gaining wisdom
from the journey, bringing life and
abundance to all that surrounds it.
5 Steps for Connecting
to the Symbol: River
1. Before you begin, give your self
permission to allow these next
few minutes to be for you and
your healing journey. Take a moment to put your phone on silent,
dim the lights, light a candle, and
find a comfortable position where
you can rest and rejuvenate.
2. Begin by taking 3 deep inhales
through the nose and exhale out
the mouth. Exhale out all that
stale air and stale energy from
your system Exhale all the way
to the bottom of the out breath
where there is a gentle pause.
And enjoy the next deep, nourishing, and fresh inhale.
3. Begin by starting at the top of
your head and scan through your
body, softening any place where
you notice tension. Give yourself
an opportunity to fully relax.
4. Bring your awareness to your
heart center and begin to think of
River and notice what naturally
comes to mind to you. Use all 5
senses, touch, taste, sound, sight,
and smell to create a beautiful
synergy of you and river.
5. When you feel ready, begin to
return to your body. Take a moment for a prayer or a few words
of gratitude of appreciation. And
when you are ready open your
eyes, refreshed and renewed.
Below you will find my River Meditation created to help you breathe,
and relax into the flow and peace
of River’s journey.
MEDITATION RECORDING INSERTED HERE
Lindy Ariff, MSW, CHt
Lindy Ariff, MSW, CHt. Lindy is a clinical hypnotherapist providing intuitive counseling that promotes healing and transformation through her clients strengthening their self identity, developing positive thoughts
and feelings, and developing more beneficial habits and behavior patterns. Lindy specializes in healing
trauma through Rapid Resolution Therapy (RRT) and clinical hypnotherapy. www.LindyAriff.com
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
15
DETACHING FROM THE
DEPENDENCY MINDSET
By Tony Bevacqua
The language used in the field of addiction can
be deficit-based, emotionally-charged and have
negative connotations. Even if an individual did not
have a serious problem, there’s no other language
available to describe them once they find themselves
in the system. Words are powerful and carry a great
deal of influence in shaping behavior. They dictate
our understanding of ourselves and others. They
give us the reference points based on our own
experiences to connect with others in ways that feel
comfortable and familiar. But we must see people as
unique individuals. Only the individual understands
why they have chosen to have a “relationship” with
particular behaviors they have become dependent
upon. It’s valuable to rethink, reframe and remove
references from others and to ourselves, which use
deficit-based language.
16
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Let’s take an example of a 35-year-old woman who
has been experiencing domestic violence for many
years and has come to accept that she has no control over her situation. This is her reality. She may not
have the ability to change her living situation and
she is left to endure her difficult life. This results in
her experiencing chronic stress, anxiety and depression. In responding to her distress, she turns to alcohol to numb her emotional pain. This makes sense
to her because she is reinforcing temporary positive
feelings and removing emotional discomfort. As she
learns this, it becomes an unconscious, automatic response when she is overwhelmed by her stress and
anxiety. It is her learned default behavior. Eventually
she develops a serious drinking problem which leads
her to conventional treatment. This can now be an
opportunity to acknowledge and embrace her fears
and insecurities by giving her respect, valuing her
personal life challenges and circumstances, and
giving her a voice. This is accomplished by how
others present themselves to her through communication and how they model desirable behavior.
When people are already feeling depressed and
have a mindset that they have nowhere to turn,
feel alone, afraid, and helpless; their subjective
experiences are filled with negative self-talk and
they are emotionally fragile. Their strength, courage and resiliency can be activated by modeling
behavior that encourages them to learn self-compassion and new healthier coping skills. The words
and actions of others become internalized and part
of one’s self-talk. One often sees oneself as being
deficient and undeserving. In order to feel a real
connection and a sense of belonging to humanity, learning how to be kinder, caring and loving
to oneself changes the brain and how someone
experiences themselves each day. An individual
who is mindful to be more self-compassion is not
likely to feel stigmatized and shamed.
Language precedes behavior. The content of our
personal narration and the internalized labels we
have accepted by other people who describe us,
become self-fulfilling because our brains adapt
to a particular mindset that we have learned.
When an individual learns to improve the quality
of their thinking, their language use and selftalk will change accordingly. This new learning
will reinforce their autonomy and help them
become detached from a dependency mindset. By
being mindful of deficit-based and emotionally
debilitating words, you’ll find it more useful to
see yourself and others as unique individuals who
are having difficulty coping with life challenges
and circumstances and who perceive having no
other options which have led to learning and
becoming dependent upon excessive habits and
addictive behaviors. Many people live lives of quiet
desperation and come to accept what others think
about them and the labels attached to them as
their personal identity. This only compounds and
reinforces their undesirable thoughts and feelings
which maintains their problems.
The primary objective for any treatment should
be to create positive and subjective well-being
contributing toward living a life that provides fulfillment, satisfaction and equanimity. This is better realized by the reinforcement of autonomy, not
maintaining and/or transferring one dependency
mindset for another. By rethinking the language
we use and treating people with more kindness,
compassion and less judgment, we are recognizing, valuing and respecting each individual as a
unique human being. This will go a long way toward destigmatizing.
Tony Bevacqua
Tony Bevacqua is an accomplished educator, corporate coach, social advocate and lecturer.
He teaches college psychology courses, leads corporate wellness seminars and has a
private practice in Los Angeles coaching people who have a desire to better understand
their self-determining nature. He has contributed articles to the Journal of Humanistic
Psychology and Addiction Professional Magazine Tony’s first book, Rethinking Excessive
Habits and Addictive Behaviors (Rowman & Littlefield), which outlines his belief system
and encourages readers to see addictive behaviors differently, is out July 2015.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
17
CHANGE YOUR ENERGY
OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOUR
LIFE WILL CHANGE
The story of My Sacred Warrior Shield by Temple Hayes
“Have you ever felt the fear and moved forward anyway only to discover that the fear came back time
and time again?”
symbol as a sacred warrior shield. Each time I had a
deep fear or a thought of danger, I was to hold up this
shield, and it would deflect and dissipate the energy.
I was told by my shaman teacher a number of years
ago to go into prayer and ask for a divine symbol that
would resonate with me energetically. I was to use this
I went into a deep meditation and asked what symbol I needed in order to face, change, and transcend
my experiences with fear. The image appeared to me
18
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
in a few seconds, and when I came back from the meditation I drew it on a piece of paper.
What came to me was a symbol of the outer shell of a
heart held by my hands at each side.
When I was alone, I would hold this shield up physically, as if I were holding a real shield in front of me.
When I was with others, I would simply visualize it in
my mind and bless the ritual. I knew I could get just as
much effect from visualizing the action as from physically doing the action.
I was amazed, as I practiced this conscious intention,
by how many times I actually had fear-based thoughts
throughout the course of a day. It was almost
overwhelming. I felt paranoid if someone did not speak
to me a certain way or if I called someone and did not
hear back from him or her. I was afraid of hearing from
an event planner that I would not get to speak at a
certain event after they had already committed to me.
There was always a tape running in my head that I
would get rejected or abandoned. I was afraid that I
would not have enough money or that my dreams were
never going to be realized. I was afraid of getting old
long before I was ready to do so. I was afraid I would be
left by someone somewhere. I was afraid that if people
really knew I was afraid, they wouldn’t love me.
My shadow self sought to get me to quit working with
myself and to say it was silly. My shadow wanted me
to stop this crazy exercise. My shadow wanted me to
accept that it was too much work to change, when
the truth is that it is too much work to be determined
to keep things the same. I was on the cusp of being
born again, and being born again so we will stop dying
requires a few new stretch marks, to say the least.
I had almost become comfortable being a chicken even
though deep down I always knew I was an eagle destined for an ‘eagle’s life.’ The eagle within me continued
to call me to keep going.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
| ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
19
had long since changed, I was still carrying around the
core belief that I am not okay. This was not something
I could change through the intellect; it required me to
discover it through my heart. Not being okay had felt
so natural for so long that I felt lost without it. It was
quite some time before being okay became natural.
This is a process that many people stop way too soon.
I know, for I was almost one of them. I almost missed
being an eagle instead of a chicken.
I was persistent, and even though it was uncomfortable,
I persevered. Quitter is not a common word in my
vocabulary. For the first several days, it felt totally
consuming. Yet I stayed with the process each and
every time a fear came up. One day it occurred to me
that I had not had a particular fear for a few days. That
realization freed me as I have never been freed before.
The depth of fear that was once normal for me rarely
happens to me now. When it occurs, I hold up my sacred
warrior shield.
I also had to realize that I had been conditioned for
so much of my life to not feel okay that even when
I did feel okay, I would look for something to justify
why I couldn’t just feel okay and be happy. I felt out
of place as a kid, and I created that same feeling as an
alcoholic, always apologizing and thinking that I had
done something wrong. Yet even though these things
When you look into your own life, you might see that
you do not have a fear of danger. You might not have, as
I did, a fear of abandonment or rejection. You might not
have carried in your life for many years that you are not
okay or that you are a mistake. For you it could just be a
fear that you don’t deserve good things, that you are not
“enough,” or that you might be found out. These worries
stop us in our tracks on the unconscious level, and we
will sabotage our progress until we clear them up.
If you are looking at your life and seeing repetitive patterns of fear-based living, then this process of facing it,
feeling it, and walking through it will change your life.
If you do not recognize any of these fears as paralyzing your life—which would surprise me, since this book
found you—then you are still blessed, for our society is
saturated with people whose lives are driven by their
fears, and you can be of tremendous support to them.
Start today by declaring, “I will now face my fears before my fears replace me...the real me.”
Excerpt from When Did You Die?, 8 Steps To Stop Dying
Every Day and Start Waking Up!
When Did You Die?:
8 Steps to Stop Dying Every Day and Start Waking Up
On Amazon
Temple Hayes
Spiritual Leader at Unity Campus in St. Petersburg, Florida, Temple Hayes is an international recognized leader and serves on the Leadership Council of the Association
of Global New Thought. She is featured each week on the popular radio show, “The
Intentional Spirit.” She is the author of How to Speak Unity (DeVorss & Company) and
The Right to Be You (Temple Hayes Ministries), and founder of Life Rights, a nonprofit
dedicated to the right of all to live the life of their intention in freedom and peace.
http://www.TempleHayes.com
20
ISSUE 08, JULY 2015
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Greg Hannley
Publisher
Nationally recognized addiction expert, Greg Hannley is the Publisher of
“Recovery Today Magazine”. He is also the Chief Executive Officer of SOBA
Recovery Center, and Executive Producer of the acclaimed film with Daniel Baldwin, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”. Greg has appeared on
CNN’s Larry King Live, Fox News, Fox and Friends, San Antonio Living, and
other national media outlets. His vision is to provide a safe, sober environment for those suffering from the disease of addiction and to evangelize a
simple, powerful message; there is hope.
Rob Hannley, Producer
Sherry Gaba, LCSW Editor
800-595-3803
Click Here for SOBA Malibu’s Website