AVENues - The Asexual Visibility and Education Network

Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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AVENues
Asexual:
A person who does not
experience sexual attraction.
Unlike celibacy, which is a
choice, asexuality is a sexual
orientation.
AVEN:
The Asexual Visibility and
Education Network, an online
community
and
resource
archive striving to create open
and honest discussion about
asexuality among asexual and
sexual people alike.
AVENues:
A
bimonthly
publication
available online, created by
members of the AVEN
community in order to further
showcase our thoughts and
promote discussion by and
about asexuals.
For more information, visit
http://www.asexuality.org.
Contents
Letter Box – pg. 2
News from November and
December – pg. 2
“Why I'm Not Single:
Deconstructing Facebook” –
pg. 4
From the Forum – pg. 5
“Confessions of a Purple
Superhero” – pg. 5
Featured AVENite: “Coleslaw” –
pg. 6
Poem: “Anerotica” – pg. 7
Art by PARTH
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
Letter Box
Last issue, we asked for letters, and thanks to you, we got them! Some of
the letters we got are printed here.
We're still looking for letters in every issue! Does something published
here make you nod in agreement, pound your desk in disagreement, or
scratch your head in sheer confusion? Tell us about it at
[email protected].
Why read AVENues? ...because I like it! I like reading articles about
things that interest me. Asexuality obviously interests me since I'm
asexual, but also I'm interested in reading the articles, posts, input, etc
from others that're a different shade of asexual (or sexual for that matter)
than me. I like reading different people's POVs and standpoints and
experiences. It's something interesting, something I look forward to when
each new issue comes out. Sure I could get similar experiences from
reading posts on the forum, but AVENues offers articles that are much
longer, more detailed, and much easier to read and make connections
between various opinions (rather than reading a list of reply posts, which
my short-term memory tends to make me start skimming, and I lose some
of the content).
Plus it lets me keep my cherished hope alive that someday I'll get my
name in there.
- Chey
First issue of AVENues I've read. I thought it was great, but want to
mention one thing: many of us are coming into this knowledge of
ourselves when we're older – let's say anywhere from 40-70 (who knows,
maybe even older!). The artwork in the issue I just read portrays young
A's, anywhere from 13 to maybe 25. When I see only very young people
portrayed, it kind of detracts from my feeling that this newsletter is for
me. I am a regular poster on the Older Asexuals forum, and there are a
lot of us. Perhaps we could be represented visually in the newsletter also?
- Sally
Editor's Note: After we got this letter, we went looking for art featuring
older asexuals. We haven't found any yet, but we haven't given up. If you
know of some art with older people in it that would work for AVENues,
why not send it to [email protected]?
Why do I read AVENues? I don't have the time or energy to surf the
forums, so it gives me something concrete and simple to read. I know it
doesn't summarize all that is happening on the forums, but it does give me
things to think about. But I'm also looking for information, new Web
sites for dating, new activities, info about what's happening to the
community at a large level. And getting it always reminds me to check
my AVEN account, to think about trying to get us SoCal AVENites
together, to think about my identity and sexuality.
-Marina
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News from November
and December
The AVEN forums' software is about
to get a serious workover, either
upgraded to phpBB3 or changed to
Invision. You can go to the forums
and weigh in if you have a preference.
Either way, no forum content will be
lost, but a lot of existing bugs will be
fixed.
Meanwhile, the role of AVEN's
Project Team has been called into
question again. Should Project Team
moderators have the same privileges
and duties as normal moderators, or
are they a different thing entirely? You
can weigh in on this in the forums as
well.
We've reinstated our “Post of the
Week” feature on the AVEN Web site.
Every week, there'll be a new short
quote from the AVEN forums on the
main AVEN page. “Asexual Perspectives” is also up and running again,
thanks to ghosts and Coleslaw, our
new static content managers.
We're also collecting form letters to
send to organizations like Myspace
asking them to make “asexual” an
option under “orientation.”
There are still more opportunities for
asexuals to make themselves visible
this season: people looking for interviews and discussion with asexuals include a freelance writer in the UK, a
discussion panel in Washington DC, a
graduate student in Alberta doing research on the social construction of
friendship, and a college journalist in
New York. The AVENites chlirissa
and ghosts are also looking for submissions to asexuality-related zines.
There's a new asexual dating site in
the UK: www.platonicpartners.co.uk.
We're also discussing whether to add a
personals forum to AVEN itself after
the upgrade.
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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AVEN Meeting in Cologne
Best regards from AVEN Germany. We thought it would be nice to share some information on AVEN in
Europe/Germany. For instance, on Sept. 1 we had a German-wide meeting in Cologne.
Seventeen AVENites came to Cologne to get to know each other and to exchange their experiences. We organized
a sightseeing tour through Cologne, saw the nice Cologne cathedral and the downtown area along the Rhine river,
had brunch and dinner together - and of course, we had lots of fun.
We established these Germanwide meetings every half year in order to allow close friendships to develop. These
gatherings take place in addition to our regional meetings in different cities. For instance, in Cologne we have a
regular get-together on the second Sunday of every month and, of course, all of you are invited to visit us when you
might travel to Cologne!
- Fischerin, Betula, and Christoph: organizing team of the Cologne meeting
Sailor Moon: Age and Orientation
I wonder how many AVENues readers
have seen “Sailor Moon”. If you have,
then you are familiar with the anime
about girls in sailor outfits who fight
evil with super powers. Two of the
sailor warriors stand out to me. One is
Hotaru Tomoe, or Sailor Saturn, the
warrior of destruction and rebirth. The
other is ChibiUsa, her best friend, or
Sailor Chibi Moon.
Unlike most of the warriors, Hotaru
was never boy crazy or fawning over
crushes. Though I feel that she is
sexual, some people think that she is
just too young for crushes just because
she is 12 or 13. But I disagree.
For example, Hotaru's friend, ChibiUsa, is about 7, (which in my opinion
is too young to be concerned with romance) and she has had many romantic encounters. Examples are her deep
relationship with Helios (a boy who
looked way too old for her), and there
was even an episode where a 6th grade
soccer player was hitting on her
(which I found kind of disturbing).
And at other times, she has wanted to
be friends with boys just because she
thought they were cute.
Orientation is an intrinsic part of
someone regardless of age or maturity.
That is my two cents.
- schiar88
The cathedral in Cologne – photo by CHRISTOPH
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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Why I’m not single
Deconstructing Facebook
by BIRDNERD
I’ll get us off on the right foot by beginning with a
bland and facile observation: Facebook offers a write-in
option for the “Religious views” field on user profiles
and a drop-down menu for “Relationship status.”
Perhaps ironically, I would get along just fine with a
ready-made option for the former, while it’s the latter
that requires a lengthy explanation. Admittedly, I’ve
been told that there is now a third-party application that
will allow for this, but I’ve never been over-fond of
Facebook apps, and I’m using Facebook here primarily
as a means of getting at a larger issue.
In any case, I’m empirically what the drop-down menu
would call “single.” But there’s a problem here. It’s the
way Facebook then likes to announce to friends,
acquaintances, and strangers that “So-and-so is listed as
single” – on the market, as it were. Being single, no
matter how complacent or content one may be in this
condition, always points to the other polarity: to be
single is not to be “in a relationship.” To be single is to
define oneself by a negative.
Then there are the connotations of the word itself.
Single – alone, solitary, unattached, the granola bar
that falls out of the box bearing the words “Not
labeled for individual sale” in place of a bar code.
By denoting a lack, a deficiency, or an absence, the
word points back toward a fuller presence, implying
that one is isolated and living a less-than-full life
without some sort of pair-bonding relationship. We
never consider ourselves single-or-not with regard to
the number or depth of our attachments to family
members and friends; for some reason, these simply
don’t compute, and they become too easy to slough
off as negligible as we try to fit ourselves into the
simple binary opposition.
The flaw in the single/in-a-relationship binary is
even more deeply rooted, though – in our nearly
unconscious narrowing of the word “relationship” to
describe a long-term romantic – often sexual –
coupling. In spoken language, the word is usually
pronounced with a smug reverence roughly
equivalent to a capital R – so that if one really wants
to, one can distinguish (with some difficulty)
between a Relationship and a relationship, but I defy
you to bring up your lower case “relationship” with
a neighbor or a professor in conversation without
raising a great many eyebrows.
Granted, it’s always tempting to select “It’s
complicated” from the drop-down menu instead (and
you’d better believe that I’m going to hash out just how
complicated it is), but Facebook inscrutably interprets
this to mean that “so-and-so is in a complicated
relationship,” when what I’m actually in is a
Social convention and Facebook’s source code do
complicated semantic predicament. What are the
offer a solution of sorts, however: I’ve left my
romantically disinclined to do?
“Relationship status” blank. As a result, it does not
As a result of the privileged status we give to romantic appear on my profile. This seemingly insignificant
love, “single” has come to imply “seeking a detail points to the logical impasse that aromantic
relationship.” It’s rare that people describe themselves asexuality creates in the language we have
as single with every intention of remaining that way in established to describe our manner of pair bonding
the long haul and while regarding such a fate as a (or not). As the binary opposition stands at present,
positive one. “Singles bars” and “singles groups” exist my “relationship status” remains a gap, a blankness,
for the sole purpose of remedying this condition and a placeholder for something that we have not yet
pairing people off. It’s a transitory state, a dingy but developed a vocabulary or a set of social codes to
conveniently located roadside motel between one explain.
relationship and another.
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN Web site
One of my good friends likes to poke fun at my asexuality.
It is never in any sort of hurtful way, and I kind of enjoy the
teasing. Anyway, today we were talking about my writing
and I said that I didn't know what should come next in a
story I'm working on. He asked what it was about, so I told
him, and he gave this long and complicated idea, that ended
with a man and a woman meeting each other and "having
hot, passionate... hand-holding."
don't think that any situation is inherently sexual or
foreplay to sexuality. I don't work well with sexual
contact but I'm all for affection, physical closeness
and intimacy, so I could do the very same things that
sexuals do but do them for different reasons, get
different meanings and make it deep a whole
different way.
As I've said elsewhere, if my wife and I knew what we
know now about the consequences of our sexual
incompatibility, we would have run a mile before getting
involved with each other. And I would have missed out on
18 fantastic years (and counting), the fulfillment of so many
shared dreams, and the greatest love of my life (as well as
some pain I could do without, but who doesn't have that
from time to time). Who knows what I would have got
instead? Sex ain't everything.
I've read most of the [scientific reports] about human
asexuality in the wiki article: Bogaert's publications,
Storms, Prause & Graham (through the Kinsey
Institute), and Johnson (in Gochros). They are all
good solid support for an asexual orientation or
designation, though it'd certainly be nice to see more
out there.
- vanilla black tea, Sunday November 18, "the body
- raleighwhittierhayes, Wednesday October 31, "Just a doesn't have to be sexualized" in Asexual Musings
funny story" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
and Rantings
Johnson and Storms are really exciting, because
being from 1977 and 1980 they far predate AVEN.
- Olivier, Friday November 16, "Comparative validity of Storms even came up with an orientation graph
reasons for not wanting to have sex" in For Sexual starting at "asexual" with rays to "heterosexual" and
Partners, Friends, and Allies
"homosexual," which looks startlingly like the
AVEN triangle turned on one side. That was pre-DJ!
I think that sexuality has appropriated so many things, from
the naked body to exploring that body unashamed to - spinneret, Thursday November 29, "Where's the
walking at sunset while holding hands with your love. But I Research?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility
and Education Network.
Confessions of a Purple Superhero
by SAM B.I.
I have a superpower. I’ve had it all
my life. Like many other superheroes
I didn’t realise at first that I had this
power and even once I became aware
of it, I didn’t know how to use it or
what it was capable of. Over time, I
have learnt where its value lies.
Before you accuse me of having an
overlarge ego, let me explain myself.
The superpower is a real life superpower, not something out of a comic
book. It’s bound to everyday existence and at first glance might not
seem all that amazing. But don’t let
that first glance fool you – look a Parents, friends, religious groups and
little deeper.
media all contribute. There are unspoken expectations to form relationAsexuality is a superpower. I doubt
ships, get married and have children
that it will ever be instrumental in sa– pre-packaged futures. It is, after all,
ving the world from destruction but
commonly known that it is impossiit is helpful on a humbler scale. At its
ble to be happy and single. If you resimplest it is a justification for not
fuse to play along, you’re the one
choosing the well-trodden path. Sowho gets labeled as abnormal. I emciety can sometimes exert tremenbrace my abnormality – so bite me.
dous pressure on an individual to
conform. Just think about what peo- When you try to be something you
ple do to themselves to be beautiful: are not (sexual, in other words), life
they wax, nip, tuck, botox and starve loses its delight. Many asexuals try
See SUPERHERO, page 6
themselves – just to fit in.
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
SUPERHERO – cont'd from page 5
this regardless and work very hard to
fit in. It never works. Deep down
they know that it is not what they
want. This leads some to say that
asexuality is limiting.
I contest that. I say they don’t know
what they are talking about. Sure, all
the usual options are gone or, at the
least, unrealistic, but I have never
wanted a pre-packaged life complete
with its pre-packaged sexuality.
When you move beyond that, everything becomes uncertain. Uncertainty
usually has negative connotations but
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those are given to it by the self-same
society that says getting married and
having children is the only future
worth pursuing. I don’t think I
believe them anymore.
could get married or not, instead
creating a new type of relationship.
You could make a family but that
family doesn’t have to fall inside the
boundaries dictated by social norms.
At its best, your asexuality gives you
incredible freedom. Once you know
what you are and what you are willing to give, your future becomes
anything but limited. You could find
a significant other or, perhaps, significant others (yes, I am referring to
the polyamory discussions that sporadically appear on AVEN). You
I do not know where my superpower
will lead me or what an asexual relationship is supposed to look like, but
that’s a good thing. I can explore and
find my own way in my own sweet
time. Where is your sense of adventure? Sprinkle it on your boots and
put on your purple cape. Let’s go see
what we can find.
Featured AVENite: “Coleslaw”
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Cole
Age: 19
Location: Split between San Francisco and Vancouver.
Preferred Label(s): Asexual
Bio: Well, hi, I'm Cole! I'm a 19-year-old university student and part-time jack-of-all-trades. I'm a science geek
with green glasses, blue striped rain boots and a pretty serious obsession with crazy-colourful socks. Three random
facts about me would be that 1) I love all forms of bad weather, and am particularly awed by hurricanes, 2) I sing in
the shower, and 3) I am a sucker for the Home and Garden channel and will watch home improvement shows till I
drop dead, if given the opportunity. On AVEN, I'm a Project Team moderator and a year-long member who's
actively involved in making meet-ups happen and sorting out tech issues. I like helping out in any way I can, so if
ever you need something, just ask!
How she came to AVEN: I was struggling with my sexual identity all through high school, and it had a really deep
and negative effect on me. I saw a therapist, who was the first person to suggest I may just lack a sex drive. What
he saw as a problem became my solution; I hit up Wikipedia and Google and found AVEN, then six months after
that, I joined.
The most important thing about AVEN: To me, the most important thing about AVEN is the community. When
I had no one left to turn to, I was able to join AVEN and immediately be surrounded with support and
understanding. I will never forget that feeling. In regards to asexual visibility, knowledge about asexuality is what
matters. Only once people know about asexuality can they come to accept the idea that some people can lack sexual
desire and still live complete and happy lives. From there, anything can happen.
What she'd say to a newcomer: Well, I'd say hello, of course! Ha ha, but seriously now, if I could tell every
newcomer one thing and one thing only, it would be to not worry about what other people may say or think,
because you are not other people. Be comfortable and happy as you, because this is your life, not theirs. Regardless
of what you choose to identify as, you won't be alone, so just worry about what makes you happy, and the rest will
work itself out.
Other thoughts: Nothing else but thank you, AVEN, for everything you've given me, and I hope I can continue to
give back as much as I have gained, if not more.
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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Anerotica
by RAISIN
To me, you’re a canvas,
An endless white expanse of what-could-be.
And when you’re blank,
When you’re stripped, when you’re exposed,
You’re absolutely beautiful
Because you represent the possibility
To remake, reinvent, relive.
You want something more.
I see your body, feel it
Pulse and quiver
But I only put my hands on you
To mold, shape, create.
To me, you’re a canvas,
An intellectual looking-glass,
An opportunity for me
To speak, think, reflect
Everything I feel in my heart
Into yours.
Like a sculptor to the marble,
I see the statue within,
New and naked and full of hope.
But you don’t understand.
You still quiver; You want
To touch, writhe, explode.
I am the blind artist,
The dreamer with a heart of stone,
Unmoved by the physical, the now;
Enraptured by the invisible, the potential.
You burst into a handful of shivering stars,
And I sprinkle you behind me as I go.
Another monument to those who didn’t
understand.
Art by COLT-KUN
Issue #11 – Saturday, January 5, 2008
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AVENues Wants You!
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting
AVEN officials in a secret office
somewhere. AVENues is written by you –
by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, notsure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That
means that keeping things moving in here
is up to you.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song,
or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a
post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who
deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on
the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of
say to us, we love getting letters!
writing, and we're making it easy now by
giving you a list of exactly what we want. Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN
Here is a list of what AVENues is made of: meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well
worth including.
News: If you were at (or know of) an event
that had something to do with asexuality, Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something
to do!
we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. Send it all to [email protected], and remember, we'll write
back to you within three business days.
300-1500 words is the best length.