comparo: sho taurus, camry se, maxima se!

COMPARO: SHO TAURUS, CAMRY SE, MAXIMA SE!
G[NE
nN[n
AUGUST 1992. CANADA $3.95 UK
T1
.95 US $2.95
There's more: Cross,country in a Ferrari 512TR.
Your own $8500 racer. Mclaren Fl. MazAaM)G6.
Methanol,fuel Chewolet Lumina. BMW 318is.
Roadside America
Coast to coast, via Ferrari 51ZTR, with interim stops frrr Ham the Astrochimp,
human fingers in a jar, and dueling albino squirrels.
BY JOHN PHILLIPS
J)
fiin
l-f
luc skir's. 7.i tlcglecs. zelo lrrrrrritlill
Cyplcss. Cllilirlnil. This is tlrc
sitc ol'Fcrlali's Wcst Coast ol'l'icc.
And thc ncw -5 l2TR-which ncccls lo
bc dcliverecl to Ncw Jcrscy-is allcacly
Itors dt, <otulxrt. "Colil-start problcnrs,"
cxplains a Ferrari lcclrrrician. This is a littlelike bcing told your polar Ski-Doo cxpcditit'rn is cancclccl on accor.rnt ol'snow. I
rnakc use ol'thc two-day delay to sct an
anrusing tnd rletailccl
lrans-Amcrict itinerary
ll'onr Mikc Wilkins. an
author ol' Tlte Nt,rl
Roulsidc Alrcllt a (sc'c
to carry no sllilrc. What il'a tirc blows
chunks in Faily. Te-xas'l Hclc is what lhc
owncr's r.rlrnual aclviscs: "ln orclcl to
cnsurc saf'c tllvcl. it is inrpcrative that thc
tiles alc kcpt in un cxccllcnition . . . thc
tirc age-s cvcnt il'it is uscd or nol Llsc(l al
all." At I'ilst this conlirsccl nrc. but thc
latcl clcarccl it all up: "Thcn thc lirnt
tcat nrutl-guarcls alc
dal)." That
w,as
prctty nrLrch what I had
xt
bccn thinking.
l. To Tucson on clay onc-, whclc I put
thc Fcrlari to bccl-rcntoving it lront public vicw by wrappint it in u srtr.rg. f'clt-lined
covcl with side- pockcts thc sizc ol'adolesccnt basscl hourrcls to swallow thc nrirrors.
ancl
The rtcxl nrorn. I do not lravc colcl-stalt
te
scrcu,c-cl. ancl thc
hootls. rnadc up ol'uluurinurl (tnlicolo-
1-rloblcrns bccausc-
wilh
a singlc crg
| do not havc a battery
ol'crankinll powcr.
revicw. pa-ee 143). This
book should be nranclatory equipnrent in every
car. like a sparc tile (see
fbl lowi ng para-uraph ).
The Ferrari 5 l2TR
wcars ci-ghteen-inch tir cs.
No othcr production
on the planct is
car'
so
equippcd. ancl this vchiclc has becn cnginccrccl
ANGELES
3
NOGALES
PHOTOGRAPHY
BY JOHN PHILLIPS
EL PASO
Youns Brln Riggs ("Blan. likc tltc
cclcal." hc saYs). rrhorn I nrcct slluxliltg itt
thc cushicr"s rlcsk irt thc hotcl lohtrv. voluntccls 10 push in rcturtt litr il r'iclc. Push'.)
Pushing is not otrc ol'our optiotts: tltis
Fcrtlu'i is tuclvc 1-rourtrls hclvicr thltrt lt
Cltlillac Scclurt clc Villc. Wc locutc.iurttl.rct'
cublcs. Al'tcl tcn nritrutcs ol'Siaruesg
hookup. I dcnronstrltc t0 Ritus-rncrcll'
lir tlrc 1-rur';-rosc ol' cllcctitrq inttuctliutc
aIlcrnlrtol lcchllgc ol thc baltcrt' {r-5 rttl-th
in sccor.trl gcat' itt rkru nto* tt Tttcsotr. Bt'art.
likc thc ccrcal. usks il ltc can gcl out.
2. Il vou cllc to look. t'ou u ill I'ind
Titan ICBM silos soullt ol Tttcsott. Evcn il'
vou rkr ltot cat'c to ltxrk. tltc Rtrssilns still
do. ovcrl'lling tltc (lrcctr Vallct'sitc via
satcllitc g1g11' .i0 urinutcs or so. Bclilt'c
tlcsccntling into lhc silo. 1'oLr lcarn lltat a
lurnchctl nrissilc pokcs l'irst throush thc
stlrrtolllr.rsc 30 rrrilcs up. tltcn ul 50 rtrilcs
1-liclccs tltc rncsoputtsc. u hcrc it gcts
clankY ancl illitlblc. N1r'guidc. spicl conclutlccl. lirllou's tttc t0 tltc lot to c\ltlttitlc
thc Fclluli. Hc savs. "Gu1' lrclc vcstcrclul'
in a l917 l-urtrbolgltirti. 1'otl shoulcl ltavc
sccn
("vlrialiorrs on
a turquoise
thcnrc," ittlones
the clcrk). antl rattlcsnakc cg-us ("Keep in
a
cool placc'to prevcnt hatching").
"Thc Thing'}" itsell'costs 75 ccnts to
vicw and inclucles suppolting ilcts:
a
Glahanr-Paigc truck. a 19.i7 Rolls-Royce.
l
lc)31 Buick. and an exhibit clcpicting
luncicnt nlctho(ls ol' torturc. This tlioranra
inclutlcs a blawny rnale wax figule wcarinu Panrpcls who is strctchecl irr atony orr
a rack. akrngsiclc a slalternly bt'uncttc wilh
a susscstivcly slit skirt who is
be-in-s
llogged. Vicwing lbr thc u'holc lirttrily.
Thc rnain cxhibit. "Thc Thing'1." is a
clcsiccatccl corpse in a coffin set antid a
nrotil' ol' hanging cllillwoocl lirshioncd to
rcscnrble the last twenty sccotrtls ol'
Gcorgc Custcr's lil'e. Thc qucstiort rtrark
alicr "Thc Thing'1" is trowhere explainccl.
nor w,ill you l'ccl cornpelled to /trtlr it
e
xplairrccl.
Dcpalting in thc rniclclay Arizona sun.
thc FeIrtri bricfly triggcrs its S[-OW
with sustainccl arrcl l'clonious vclocitics. A
quccr w,urnin! ll'unr rnachinclv uhosc put'pose is to dclivcl s;rcccl sul'l'icicnt t() cllnt
ils opcralor' r sclllcncc ol' .l(X) ltout's ol'
courrlurrity sclvicc.
5. I nrakc it that night to Mcsilll. Nc*
Mcxico. chcck into thc Lu QLrintl lrtn. urttl
cxanrine thc northcrn crtcl ol' tltc lrcd lirr
cight lrouls without havirrg I'irst dclirscd
the Fcrrari. T'his givcs rttc. in thc pllking
l()t lhc ncxt nl()n). \e t lrttolltct oPltotlttrtitr
Io introtlucc rnyscll'to lcllou travclcls ilho
posscss.junrpcl cablc-s.
Mcsilla. oncc thc cultitll ol bolh
Alizonlt artrl Ncu' Mexico. \\'its a sl()l) orr
thc Buttcrl'iclcl C)vclluncl Trail lhrn St.
Louis to Sln Fnrrtcisco-a lirlctttt.tt.tct ltr
thc Porty Ex1-rrcss. Thc pluzl corltltitts thc
oklcst brick builtling irt Ncu Mcxico uttcl
thc courthousc in whiclr Billl thc Kicl sls
scnlcnced to hang. Ma1'bc. It is insurrclY
quairrt-thc avcnrgc Anrcrican's lrolion ()l'
whal a Mcxicarr villagc sltoulcl rcsctttblc
DOWN r.l'alnin-t lanrps. which glow ntctt-
nrinus scabby upholstery sltlcsttrctr
acingly il' you overburdcn the catalysts
disclrscrl cals.
it."
3. Ncrt nrornirrs. ncar Nogllcs. baltcry
lusain DOA. Artolltct'.jLnttl'rsturt. this onc
costing actLrll clsh. I lcaln that thc clcctric
I'an in lkrnt ol thc air'-cortdiliortcr cortclcnsct rto longcr rcculls ltow to lclax. I
lulr-rst rcnlclilbcl bclirlc goirtl] to bccl to
vlnk its rclar'. I lirrgct lhis instantll'.
.1. East ol Tucsott. on I- l0 ttcut Bcttsotr.
I corrrrcct
u'ith a tluintcsscntiitll)' Attrcriciu.t
roadsirlc attrilcti()n. ltousctl itt a tin uarchotrsc 1'xrintcrl in broarl stlil-rcs-1'cllow'.
lcd. artri bluc. Hclc. ut lhc holttc ol'"Thc
Thirrg'.'." I lincl pccart logs as [rig ls niqltt-
sticks ilnrl a vlrst urrily ol'fttttlcsttakc
callings. tlllntulus in Ltrcitc. bolo tics
Ferrari (left) begins 55-mile dash into
alternate time zone. Easy parking in Hico,
Texas (right). Quintessential kitsch at
Alley Oop Fantasy Land in lraan (below).
,iffiEhr
{rt-
/+l !
*d|flrs&-'*
[[#x,vffl!?,iHi53tr^
r.i
'"ai".
ancl
ROADSIDE
AMERICA
6. Heacl north frorn Las Cruces on
Route 70 throu-sh the nriddle of the White
Sancls Missile Range (where the army
which is much like that in an Acura NSX.
ofien stops tratIic lbr I'ear sorlething seeking heat rnight seek it in the enrine bay of
Aunt Ethcl's Winnebago) and you land on
the steps ol'the International Spacc Hall of
Fanre, in Alanro-eorclo. Visit the burial site
of Hanr the Astrochimp, a f'etching prinrate
who uncvcntlirlly but quite involuntarily
javelina entrails-and the crow jinked to
nriss incotning rcd Femari. Self'-canceling
plungecl through the nresopause hinrself in
1961. A fiber,elass replica of Harl sugeests
his legs were sevcred ancl he was fitted
with Howurd Cosell's hlirpiece.
It is in Alanrogorclo that one of'the
ol'our tinte has been wrestled to Earth's clust: How. exactly, does
onc boldly ,qo where no ntan has gone
burnin-u issucs
befbre'l On display here is the answer, ir
Skylab commodc, contplete with instructions: "Pullins up gatc valve control activates slingcr nrotot' . . . slin-ucr tincs shlecl
l'eces ancl cleposit it in thin layer on cornnroclc walls." This sounds prelty lnuch
what I rnisht lrave done if. likc Hant, I hacl
bcen plun-ucd nroonwarcl withoLrt consent.
It also explains the NASA pejorative.
"You are a slinger."
7. At the Texas borclcr'. the -5 I2TR
and I -ulimace throu-sh a body-shudderin-u
crow lmpactthis despite the
car's heavy
but precise
steelin-u,
I jinked to miss what this fbotball-size
scavenger was eating-looked like
jinks. I stop. There is no sign of
the
Ferlari's AC conderrsel huving eaten crow,
although there is a fairly complete and
graphic display of javelina gastrointestinal
subassernblies in the right-front wheel
well. I skip looking in therc too closely, on
the theory that
a 140-rnph burst will
cleliver a ground-ef tects cleansing.
It does. And it -eives me cause to listen
to the Ferrari achieve its 7300-mrl rcdline
in lbur gears. As Joe Bob Briggs says.
"We arc talkin-g serious chop sockey,
here." The
5 l 2TR produces 42 1 hp at
6750 rpm. a 4l-hp increase over the TR it
replaces, thanks largely to hisher-contpresslon plstolts.
Tlre new cal punches through the quarter'-n.rile in 13.0 seconds at I l0 mph, versus the old TR's 13.3 at 107. Frorn dead
rest to 60 rnph requircs live seconds flatno inrprovenrent. lf you keep track of such
invest in the byzantine upshifi to second
gear. Ferrari cannot bear to part with the
anachronistic plastic eight-ball shiti knob,
held skyward at the tip of a spindly metal
pole that juts oul ol'a hedge-trirntner rnaze
of aluminum teeth and gates.
The -5 lZTR now f'etches $212.160.
Jhis is without a radio. This is without a
spare. This is $84,000 more than I owe
lbl my horne, although an ex-sewage com-
missioner's house will not circulate a
skidpad at 0.92 g (more grip than a 9l I
Turbo) without kitchen cutlery flying out
of drawers.
8. East ofEl Paso. on Route 621180, is
Comudas, Texas, population "tive or six."
A motel, two working gas purnps, and a
cat'e. That is all. A tirne warp. a Scorsese
movie set. The outdoor restrooms are next
to a _earden prominently posted,
"Keep out of cactus,"
suggesting that
tourists daily
frolic
things. that is 0.6 second lonser than
requirecl by a Lanrborghini Diablo
or a Porsche 9l I Turbo. The
-5 l2TR could probably
crack ofT consistent 4.8second 0-to-60 sprints
(the acceleration
the
firctory usserts. in tacl)
wele it not fbr the lolly-
G9
gagging
you
nlust
Big Brutus (right).
Charming Indian
massacre and
lreak antlers (left).
Downtown
Cornudas. Texas
(below), population "five or six."
84
SAN
NN ARBOR
it
looks
like 2u
MARYSVILLE
nrinutes,
ilt i.ln
iiver-
clip of
rprl in fitth
age
4-500
gear, the speedorueter having
After the Ferrari was used as a Red Roof Inn. its
cockpit quickly filled with debris.
pantsless in
the spiny ocotillo.
9. Route 621180 is one ol'
Texas's -ureat, straight, unnrolested
country two-lanes, shadowed by buttes
and mesas and purple table-top hummocks
that lead an ever-upward march to
Guadalupe Peak at 8751 f'eet-the highest
point in Texas. In this legion raged the El
Paso Salt War of 1877. I aim south on
Route 54, along whose kelly--ureen edges
are t-ew tlaces of civilization and whosc
55-rnile length the Ferrari and I traverse in,
been painstakingly posi-
solar broadside. I anr nrore or less leli crippled by this experience. but it seenrs probable that I cnrelge the I'ilst sentient being
to spencl a wholly wakeless ni-sht in a
Ferrari
-5
l2TR. (Fine. wlite LiL il'you've
already done it.)
will not be distracted by the
That I could evcn claycfi'eanr irr this car,
never mind sleep. says sonrething about its
spaciousness. This is no optical illusion.
digits between 40 and 120 mph.
Thc 5l2TR is .3.5 inchcs rlizir'r than
Here the Fen'ari and I enter Central
Zone at a speed that might converl
Mercecles's beel'iest nregacruiser. the
tioned so that its operator'
Tirle
cover. I awake not 60 nrinutes latel but
sevetr lunrs later in an Olympic sweal as
the Texas sun uncorks an uni-urrorable
rnore readily to Greenwich Mean Tinre.
And here I find the solt oi driving and
scenery that cause nren to abandon their
Franklin Planners to stare doe-eyed at
roadhouse waitrcsses nanrecl Winona Rae.
10. Then back to the real world. At theend of Route -54 and the intersection ol' Il0 is Van Horn, Texas, a place with all the
charm
of
Sam Kinisor-r's ciu' wleck.
Darkness is falling. I take what is intendcd
to be an hour-long nap, wrapping myself
munrmy-style in the Ferrali's Gore-Tex
600SEL. Il also says sonrething about lhe
seats, whiclr are iunong the world's rr-rost
conrt'ortable I'or twclve -lrour clays o1'
potentially wcary wheel work. These seats
are as pliable as an alnradillo. and they
off'cl only two acl.justurents. Just like the
scats in the Acura NSX, which are possibly thc bcst in thc known univelse. There
is a lc-ssotr
ll.
he-t'c.
ln the Fort Stocklon. Tcxas. celnetery. a l'ew yalcls ll'onr Paisano Pete
(world's lar'-ucsl toaclLunner). Iie the
renrains of Sherifl' A.J. Royal. who. like
ROADSIDE
AMERICA
Olney, lllinois, Earth's epicenter for albino
squirrels, where the rodents have the right-ofway and the author wound up on page one of
the town newspaper. Other towns' white
squirrels "are pure fakes."
there's going to be a wreck or something."
North of San Antonio, exiting Interstate
tbr a rest, I am fbllowed by two onlookers whose cars flank the Ferrali like pilot
fish. Both drivers get out and fbllow
3-5
me into the restroom. They deliver
rapid-fire interrogation as I stand
betbre the urinal. "How
another
rnuch?" "How fast?"
"Where you headed?"
A.J. tiom this
very state, ran his
"How'd you get this job?"
As I exit the outhouse-
affairs with suffi-
cient
lone-star
walking briskly
bu I lheadedne ss
that veins in the
past
a stallion thal a cowboy
is leading through lhe
pet-exercise area-a by-
foreheads of most
townsfolk began
to bulge. Six locals
stander blurts,
"How much
met secretly
in
November 1894 to
do you rnake?"
draw beans (no straws available), and the
wrap the car in its cover within 120 sec-
sheriti shortly thereafier showed up fbr
work one morning fatally and seriously
dead. Bad luck, but it (/i(/ earn A.J. a
tombstone-a surpassing rarity in those
of arrival in any parking lot.
Driving a -5 l2TR affbrds a grirn
glimpse of what it is like to have a
celebrity's face. Being .racn in this
days----on whose tace remains the as-yetuneroded epitaph, "Assassinated."
Ferrari fast wears surpassingly thin.
By the sixth rnorning,
I
learn to
onds
whereas drivinp the car tast never does.
12. Head east on I-10 and a little
14. Seguin, Texas: world's largest
north through brown, scrubby Texas Hill
Country and you find Iraan, just a f'ew
miles past a sign that says, "Caution, poison gas produced in this area." Like the
real lran.
pecan, on a pedestal in the town square.
A plaque in fiont of this refiigeratorsize, 1000-pound nut reads: "Cabeza de
Vaca traveled the River of Nuts. He . . .
had ample opportunity to observe the
growth and tiuiting habits of pecans . . .
the first recorded contlibution to the
pecan literature." l arn not notably low
Iraan is home to the Marathon Oil
Discovery well, tapped in 1926 by I.C.
Yates, a revelation that encouraged the
oil boom. Yates (most likely
kin to Assassin Brock) had never heard
great Texas
on pecan literature.
15. From Seguin, it is but a short
drive to the snake fann at the Engels
Road exit ofT I-3-5. just south of New
Braunf'els. Here. tbr' $4.9t1. you may
of a country called Iran. He simply
invented the town's label by combining
his llrst name, Ira, and his wif'e's. Ann.
He might have withdrawn that farlilial
contraction had he known that Iraan
would later be bener known as the birthplace of the Alley Oop comic slrip-now
commemorated by Kenworth-size concrete likenesses of Mr. Oop and "Dinny.
his pet dinosaure [sicl," which someone
has evidently erected without pennission
in the town park.
13. Blaze 22-5 miles east to the
Buckhom Museum, appropriately attached
to the Lone Star Brcwery. Here is how to
find it: Drive to that section of
San
Antonio where Monte Carlo lowriders
cruise not with vinyl but with shag carpet-
ing glued to their roofs. The Buckhorn
Museum f-eatures an extensive collection
of stufted animals with an expansive range
of defbrmities-an elk with "freak antler
growth," a "deer with diseased antler,"
lamps made of deer lirnbs, a tribute to "a
totally blind hunter," and a squinel pennanently coiled in its most deadly poised-tostrike pose, just moments befbre a Texan
purchase "Pure, unadulterated
I
00-per-
cent genuine bull shit." Other high-
gunned it into segnrents so minute that
only a veteran taxidennist could reassemble the rodent, using extensive diagrams
and drawings.
To be tair. the Buckhorn Museum
is
not all antlers. It includes the Hall of Fins
and the History of Barbed Wire, although I
bypass both when a Baptist school bus
disgorges 30 third-graders next to the
Ferrari, into whose right-door lock one
enterprising young Baptist is urgently
wedging an impressive quantity of
Gummy Bears.
By the fifih day. I am exasperated by
the attention the Ferrali draws. Knots of
gawkers during refueling. Mini riots on the
rnain streets of villages, where one cop
asks, "You plannin-e to r-nove soon, cause
li-shts: a deep rattlesnake pit with an
excellent assortment of cockroachesnext to a machine that nreasures your
heart rate tbr 2-5 cents-and a twoheaded monkey corpse undel glass.
From which you may want to drive to
McDonald's, where. fbr the third tirne. just
as I enunciate my order into the drive-thru
clown's head. the -5 l2TR's watel hits l9-5
deglees. triggering the side-mour.rted tans.
This sounds like a Husqvarna chain saw in
a pay toilet-a racket that reliably causes
McDonald's servers to shout, possibly as
many as tlve tirnes, "What?"
16. As it happens, the 60-nrile stletch
of I-35 between San Antonio and Austin is
awash in grade-A tourist effluvia, most of
it superior to the Dan Blocker Mernorial
Head lHoss's head. not a commernorrtive
marine lavatory) in O'Donnell, Texas.
Check out Topsy Turvy World ("the antigravity world"), Dinosaur Land. Wonder
CAR and ORIVEFI
mandatory stop, one of our seven won-
World ("see an earthquake from the
inside out"), Vasectomy Reversal
("money-back guarantee"), Luby's
Cat-eteria (site of the Killeen massacre
and a potential installment of
ders." The Chapel here is one-third
Franciscan monastery, one-third Six
Flags over Jesus, and one-third
Fairview Mall. Imagine the outcome
Wilkins's
had the Sistine Chapel been adomed not
Doom Tour), and Aquarena Springs,
whose diving pig Ralph swims with a
palsied dog paddle that proves him
traitorous to a dozen performing
with murals of Moses but with a clump
of black-eyed dead babies loitering at
the gates of heaven, each painted by a
Disney animator on furlough from
Hallmark Cards. Remarks Wilkins, "ls
it art, or is it spiritual Nutrasweet, not
porcine predecessors.
17. Glen Rose. southwest of Fort
Worth: a Norman Rockwell village
filled with persons who entrust their
savings to the Cow Pasture Bank,
"home-owned and operated since
only fake but containing something that
when taken in large doses makes you
retarded?"
22. Past St. Louis and the Pro
1." The Ferrari triggers a festival
here. One onlooker observes that to
spend $212,160 on any car, "you have
to be dumb as fungus, dumb as an acre
192
Bowling Hall of Fame and into Olney,
Illinois (pronounced ALL-nay). This is
one of three towns vying for the title of
Earth's epicenter of albino squirrels,
which, I am four times reminded,
"scientists are at a loss to explain."
Townspeople are militant about this,
pointing out that squirrels in rivaling
Marionville, Indiana, and Kenton,
Tennessee, "are pure fakes, because,
look, they just don't all have pink eyes,
so they're nothing except squirrels with
white coats, okay?" An Olney patrol-
of mud." It did not help that, as I
entered Glen Rose, I maintained the
5l2TR's flat twelve at about 5500 rpm
in first gear-this to enjoy the
Valkyrian exhaust shriek. Which, it
turns out, is not a sound that Glen
Rose's residents want to learn verv
much more about.
Glen Rose is famous for its dinosaur
tracks. Three kinds: acrocanthosaurus (a
meat eater), camptosaurus (a plant
eater), and pleurocoelus (a tobacco
After 5fl)0 hard miles, the 512TR arrives relatively
unscathed at Ferari's New Jersey headquarters.
chewer and phlegm dislodger). A lone
track on display next to the town square is,
on the day I visit, filled with chocolate
the telephoto lens that went hurtling from
the passenger's seat with momentum suf-
milk.
ficient to imprint Nikon's logo in the
Check out the Creation Evidences
Museum. where you may examine
"humanoid footprints" in the same strata
as thunderlizards. This, according to the
owner, emphatically junks Chuck Darwin's shot at any more of those one-hour
kick panel.
19. Wilkins's itinerary lands me in
hard-scrabble Commerce, Oklahoma,
world's largest peanut. Wilkins insists this
is "a fraud among nuts, mere peanuts
peculiarly named because there is no evidence it has ever had any. This is Mickey
Mantle's home town; few residents care.
Mantle sold his modest yellow house,
across from the football field. in 1960. but
the current owner still speaks to Mickey
when he isn't making guest appearances
envy." The world's most gargantuan
goober-nine t'eet longer-is in Ashburn,
on the shopping channel.
20. A few miles north is West Mineral,
specials on the Discovery Channel.
18. Durant, Oklahoma, home of the
Georgia.
Oklahoma's Route 69----chunks of con-
crete arrayed randomly by the ODOTwas not designed for a 5l2TR with tires
whose sidewalls flex with the elasticity of
Scioto limestone. The Ferrari's ride is
harsh-like
Corvette's from
a f'ew years ago-but with far less body
shake and flex. The inch or so the springs
seem to deflect for these Oklahoman
craters also feels like the sum total of body
movement, no matter the direction. The
car comers in an attitude so flat, and the
seats grip so firmly, that astounding
cornering forces sneak up unannounced,
like Dan Quayle on a PGA tournament.
sharp, often
a
My first clue: that bag of Doritos
AUGUST 1992
and
Kansas, where you cannot help but
observe Big Brutus, the world's secondlargest electric shovel. It resembles the
current crop of electric cars: eleven million
pounds, maximum speed of 0.2 mph. The
shovel's owners perrnanently parked this
rusting colossus in a strip pit that Brutus
himself dug-this after examining an
invoice that proved the thing had consumed $27,000 of electricity in just one
month while still attached to the world's
thickest extension cord. This is unfortunately unlike electric cars, which cannot
dig the pits in which they may similarly
play out etemity.
to me informs:
"Squirrels have the right-of-way in
town. It's a $25 fine if you run over
one. Also, I can arrest you if you take
man parked next
one." I subdue the impulse.
23. John Dillinger Wax Museum, in
Nashville, Indiana. Near Gnaw Bone.
Focal point: a replica of J.D.'s bullet-riddled body laid out on a slab, the whole
tableau awash in red dye No. 3. "Many
angles are offered for your viewing pleasure," notes Wilkins. Entry includes a peek
"Dillinger's death trousers" (contents of
his pockets on view as well) and his baseball shoes (no clear explanation for this).
at
24. Next, Honda's test track near
Marysville, Ohio, where we leam that the
5l2TR will indeed poke its way through
many portions of its speedometer I have
not yet seen. Top speed is not 192 mph as
advertised but a still-inspiring 187-an
improvement over the 173- and 176-mph
speeds we have clocked from previous
Testarossas.
It is also here that we test the 5l2TR's
new Brembo calipers and drilled rotors,
which look so raffish that owners may not
care whether they arrest motion. In fact,
they do. From 70 mph, this car now halts
in 169 feet. That is without ABS. That is a
stopping distance within 36 irrcfte.r of what
a 9l I Turbo can accomplish witft ABS.
21. In Carthage, Missouri, Wilkins
25. Swing past the Wood County
Historical Museum. on Route 6 near
cites the Precious Moments Chapel as "a
Bowling Green. Here are stored dried
ROADSIDE
AMERICA
Irunran finsers in a jar. thc long-lbreottcn
cvidence in a criminal prosecution but an
erninently rarlbrgettable spectacle should
you later purchase liench tiies at the Mt.
Victory Union 76.
26. Quick slop in Punxsutawney.
Pennsylvania. lbr Phil the eroundhog,
wlrose lbrccasts are now challeneed by an
qually rnoody rodenl in Sun Prairie,
Wisconsin. Which town posscsses lhe
e
nrore rcliable 'hos nrcteorologist tliggered
a debate in Congless on a day when ntany
legislators werc not balancing theil check-
books. The town's basketball tearn is
known as "Thc Chucks."
27. This is tbllowed by an cven bricl'cr
stop in Jim Tholpe. Pennsylvania, litrnterly known as Mauch Chunk, suggestin-u that tlre name change was pelhaps nol
a notably controversial iterl. Ilt towlt, the
Olympic gleat's pink-marble ntausoleunr
lures f'ew tourists. "Mute testarnenl to
greed untenrpered by rrrarket lesearch,"
says Wilkins.
28. Then into Englewood Clilfs, New
Jersey, the -5 l2TR's honte and a locale
whose road.-evidently shippecl intact
flonr Beirut-and Third World drivers
place the car in fiu'-urcaterjeopardy than it
has faced in the precedin-e -5000 miles.
cxcept tbr the night I slept in it afiel consunring two tacos, a granola bar, twelve
ounces of Switzer"s licorice. ancl a quart
of orange Gatorade.
All ol'which teaches us. well. what'l I
went lookins for U-Will-B-Antazcd
kitsch and instead founcl charnt and
lrdverrtule lnd endless enterllirlrrcrrt.
nrost of it neally t'ree except fbr $42 I in
fuel ancl
$3-5.95 in.jumpstarts and
$2 12.160 lirr wheels but no spare. I tbund
that Anrerica's sntall lowlts are not only
alive and well bul also populated by pcrsons who know wlrosc checks are good
and whose wives are no{. Thal those sante
surall lowns alc r-lot populated exclusively
by the- hunror-intpairecl. And that the
tackiest and ntost banal roadside attrac-
Vehicle type: mLd-engrnc. rear whee -dfive 2 passenger.
2-door coLlpe
Price as lested: $2
I 2. I
60
Price and option breakdown: basc Fcrrail 512TR
( nc ucles
$16.560 lurury lax. $.1500 gas gulz er tax and
Maior standard accessories: power wlndows anci ocks
A/C, trlt steeflng. rear defrosler
41 6158.4"/"
26 5 gal
..122qI
21.1 qt
Type
Body maleral
luli length lrame bo ted to body
welded sleel and a um num stamp
Ings. I berglass,rernlorced plasttc
Sound syslem: none
INTERIOR
SAE volume, fronl
ENGINE
Type
flat 12. alumrnum block and heads
. . ........
Bore x slroke
..323x307 in 820x
78Omnr
splacemenl
Compression ratro
302 cu In 4943cc
. . ..10.0:1
Engrne-control
Bosch l\,4olronrc N,4 2 7 engrneconlfol syslem w th porl lue Inlection
Emrssrons contro s .
3-way calalylrc conve(er. leed
back luel-atr-ratio contro,
D
syslcm
...
varve geaT
Power (SAE nel)
Torque (SAE net)
auxilary a1r pump
belt-driven double overhead cams.
4 valves per cy|nder
. ...421 bhp @ 6750 rpm
360 b-ll @ 5500 rprn
Redllnc..
DRIVETRAIN
Transmrss on ..
.
5 speed
ratio
3.21:1. ltmlled sltp
Translergearralro
. 1 11 l
Gear Ratro Mph/1000 rpm N,4ax. lest speecl
2 92
72
53 mph (7300 rpm)
il
1 BB
112
81 mph (7300 rpm)
ttl
1 12
14 B
to8 nrph (7300 rpm)
lV
I .09
19 3
l4l mph (7300 rpm)
V
0 82
25.8
187 mph (7250 rpm)
Frna
-dilve
OIMENSIONS AND CAPACITIES
Whee base
Track, F/R
Len9tn
......100 4 rn
60 3/64 7 rn
. 1764n
seat
.47 cull
...
u9gage space
..5 cu il
. buckel
lore and all, sealback angle
lront . ....
molorzed shoulder be ts.
manual lap belts
General comiort............
....poor larr good excellenl
Fore-and-ait supporl.
..... poor iarr good excellenl
Lateral support.
. .poor iair good excel enl
Front SealS
Seal adJUslmenls
Restrarnt systems,
SUSPENSION
F ........ . ind, uneq!al,lenglh coftro armS, cor springs,
anlr-roll bar
. ....rnd. unequa - cngth contro arms. corl spflngs.
anl 'rol bar
R:
.....7300 rpm
STEERING
Tvpe
Turns lock'to-lock
Turnrng crrcle curb lo curb
BFAKES
F:
R
..
.
.. . .... ......
..
Power assisl
WHEELS ANO TIRES
Wheel srze
Wheel lype
Trres
PrelrPZero
.
F
Tesl nilatron pressures. F/R
rack-and prnron
.
12
4x
122x
,
33
394It
venled drsc
1 1 Inventeddrsc
1 3-rn
VACUUM
F B.0x 18rn, R: 105x lSrn
casl a umrnum
235|4OZR 18, R: 295/352R-18
35/34 psl
CAR AND DRIVER TEST RESUTIS
Modu|alion.............................poor fair good excallent
Fade................ . .....................none moderate heavy
Fronl-rear balance.
.p@r fair good
luetwork television.
HANOLING
Roadholding, 300-lt-dia skrdpad .......................0.92 9
Understeer.... ................minima| moderate excessive
5l2TR-rhe first
Felrari that I covet beyoncl
I would stuff its ntap pockets full of
COAST-DOWN MEASUREMENTS
Road horseoower @ 30 moh...........
50 mph......................
70 mph......................
No-Doz and 7/r, Nctr Rtxulsidt'Atncriur,
carrcel nty subscripliolt to Di.ttot,cr
ma-{azine ( May cover:
n
)A
cHASStS/BOOY
tions in nriddle Anterica arc ntore
owned this
778
447
3684 rb
$1600lreghl) $212,160
en-erossing than the brightest arrd best on
If I
Wrdth
Herghl
Curb werqlrt
Werghl drslrbut of , F/R
Fuel capacrty
Orl capacrty
Water capacrtv
"Why
ilre
pygnries snrall'1"), ancl pawn nty big-
.....6 hp
...32 hp
FUEL ECONOMY
screen RCA.
In his book Blue Highwut's, William
Least Heat Moon says, "Any trave ler who
rnisses the journey misses aboul all he's
-goin-q to -cet." Mr. Moon did not even own
a Ferrari. He did. however. possess
a
spafe tire.
o
92
BRAKING
70-0 mph @ impending lockup
..... ............169 fl
CAB and DRIVER