Daily Bull 2011-12-08
Transcription
Daily Bull 2011-12-08
D AILY BUL L Thursday, December 8, 2011 The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like Rammestien cat! Pic o’ the Day - Jennifer Maniston Sexy Alternatives by TheHobosapien ~ Daily Bull Sexy is a term, which in some circles, is not used too often, and in other circles, sees more action than a $1 hooker in a Siberian military base. This word “sexy” describes a person as being someone who hoards large quantities of sex appeal. Sex appeal can translate into many things, such as; a job, lots of dates/free meals, underage bar entry, many party invites, groupies (or stalkers), blisters, gang fights, gallivanting boom boxes, orb-less hipsters, and so forth… But despite these amazing bonuses, the word sexy just doesn’t do it for this writer. Occupy Distro Racks Yeah! Take that Lode! The Night Before Finals by Liz Fujita ~ Guest Writer Twas the night before finals, when all over Tech Not a student was drinking, not one little speck. The textbooks were read in the classrooms with care In hopes that a passing grade soon would be there. The profs were a-nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Scantron tests danced in their heads. And Mroz in his moneystack, and Les on his boat Had just settled down for a pre-finals gloat, When on Walker lawn there arose such a clatter. Glenn sprang from his dough to see what was the matter. As a dude, I naturally find the word to bring to mind long hair, big lips, symmetric face, slender neck, delicate features, busty chest well proportioned to curvy hips, and deer haunches, but I can’t help but to think that the word “sexy” is feminine in nature minus the fact that I’m a straight man and therefore prone to relating “sexy” to females. This poses a problem because whenever a lady notes aloud that I am “sexy” I can’t help but cringe a bit at the thought of being in a slimming black strapless dress with a mani and a pedi even despite knowing the true intent of the statement; thus, a new word must be fashioned in order to bring about a guy version of the feminine word “sexy.” The beginning with an exploration of synonyms, we must find a word that is more masculine in literal meaning, sound, and connotation. Some reasonable examples of similar words include; arousing, hot, provocative, seductive, sensual, voluptuous, titillating, consumable, bangable, hunky, handsome, dreamboat, and beefcake. After creating this list of potentials, we can narrow it down to the choice word. First of all, dreamboat, and beefcake are nouns that are not easily transferred to adjectives, which is really what we’re going for. Dreamboat-ish and beefcakey just don’t even come close to sounding as awesome as the meaning they’re some supposed to be representing. Secondly, some words bring to mind imagines that are still feminine connotatively: Arousing – a babe with a flute charming snakes other than the one in the basket. Hot – a scantily clad blonde bombshell blowing your mind all over the place. Provocative – a gal dressed in fishnets, lace, and/ or hole riddled provolone. Seductive – some gypsy type done ...see Lovely terms on back Pizzas Pizza Lovers Love! Daily Specials at www.thestudiopizza.com 10% Discount for All Students Downtown Hancock, across from Finlandia We Deliver All Over This Place Just Call For A Hot Studio Pizza! www.thestudiopizza.com Away on the ice rink they flew through and they hissed Shot balls at the goalie and screamed when they missed! ...see Christmas Examining on back 482-5100 ...from Christmas Examining on front Hall names on the breast of their newprinted shirts Gave the courage to players with various hurts. When, to what is Glenn suddenly a beholder? Why, a freshman with books, and eight tiny folders. With a little old backpack, as heavy as lead He knew in a moment it must be Bullhead! More rapid than eagles this student’s curse came And he wailed, and shouted, and called them by name: “Fuck Econ! Fuck Thermo! Fuck Lin Alg and Statics! Damn Combo! Damn Orgo! Damn Transport and Physics! To the top of the MEEM! To the top of the EERC! Go kill yourself! Kill yourself! Kill yourself, work!” As dry wind that before the blizzards do fly When they meet with an obstacle, books flew to the sky So up to the roof-top the folders they flew, To a hall full of labs, and Sr. Design too. And, then, like a crinkling, Glenn Daily Bull EDITOR IN CHIEF COMP EDITOR MONOPOLY GUY BREAD WINNER SCRIBE WEBMASTER ADVISOR Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan Alec Hamer Steve Whittaker Benjamin Loucks Kyle Roe David Cold Snap Olson Writers of Awesome: Olivia Zajac, Simon Mused, Cameron Long, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Alex Dinsmoor, Jeanine Chmielewski, Kara Bakowski, Kay McMahon, Sam Schall, Kayla Herrera, Ian Smith, Veronica Tabor, Ryan Grainger, John Pastore, Mike Freisen, Bill Melcher, Ben Harris, and mimetism! ©2011 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, the snow will become yellow before hitting the ground... The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper and toner costs. And our vuvuzelas. Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed to [email protected] heard on the roof The tearing and shredding of each abstract proof. As he drew in his head, and was turning around Down the chimney a broomball man came with a bound! He was dressed all in pads, from his head to his feet And his clothes were all tarnished with blood and defeat. A bundle of jerseys he bore on his back, And he looked like he wanted to crack a 6-pack. His eyes – how they faltered! His dimples not merry His cheeks were like roses – windswept, red as cherries. His sad little mouth was drawn down, he said, “Yo.” And the beard on his chin was all white, full of snow The beast of a stick he held tight in his hands And the duct tape encircled its length in grey bands. He had a broad face and a ripped Captain’s belly With biceps, Glenn noticed, that could beat you to jelly. He was sport-worn and tired, an exhausted young man And Glenn laughed when he saw him, for he knew the plan. A wink of his eye and a twist of the wrist Soon the Captain had liquor, with a huge lemon twist. Glenn spoke not a word, but was somewhat upset As the guy filled his shot glass twice – thrice! Four times, yet! And, holding a finger up high in the air And giving a belch, out the window he dared! He ran back to the ice, for his team heard a whistle And around they all flew, firing broomballs like missiles. But Glenn heard him exclaim, as he threw back his head, “FINALS SUCK, MTU, GRADE OUR BROOM SKILLS INSTEAD!” Adopt-a-Family Family Details Four boys: ages 5, 9, 11, 12 Their sizes are: Medium T-shirts Size 12 pants Size 12 slim pants Size 10 husky pants Size 5t pants Their interests include: Hockey Floor hockey Legos Jeff Singer How to donate! Donations of toys, clothes, etc. can be made in the Academic Offices Building in the festively-decorated box. It is located just inside the main entrance to the building and can’t be missed! Monetary donations can be made at the main desk in the AOB – checks should be made out to MBA Association. Show some Michigan Tech love this season! Sponsored by the MBA Association ...from Lovely terms on front up in semi-transparent cloth luring you into a trap using sloth-like movements and oil drilling gyrations. Volumptuous – CURVES YOU MOTHERF*****, the kind of curves that TopGear fans would sell their souls to drive. Tittilating – a Mom attempting to nurse 12 babies at once. Thirdly, some words just don’t make the cut as the masculine equivalent for other reasons: Sensual – is still pretty close to sexy and almost too long, “Tom, you’re sooo sensual I want to eat my foot.” It also almost implies “horny”. Consumable – unless cannibalism has more sex appeal than I realize, this one is pretty much a no-brainer, “Tom, you’re sooo consumable I want to eat your foot.” Handsome – not a bad word for a compliment, but more the equivalent of “pretty” than “sexy”, “Tom, you’re soo handsome, we’ll eat people’s feet.” Hunky – this one is my choice for runner-up. The phrase “hunky dory”, which means “ok”, really puts a diaper on this word. By no measure is an ole chap suppose to derive “ok” from how you imagine him if you want him to think he’s hoarding all the sex appeal, “Tom, you’re so hunky that I want to have your feet.” Lastly, we’re finally left with “bangable”. This is my top choice as it has some crude, toughness about it that gives it a level of masculinity missing with “sexy”. Also, it can be said with various tones to imply an immediate need to shred clothes to perform seemingly violent acts in the buff or to imply that later on there might be some afternoon delight for dessert, “Tom, you’re sooo bangable that I want footy pajamas.”
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