bruin mascot to be replaced with pacifist llama

The
C roissant
Geor ge Fox Univer sity
THE JOY OF THE CRESCENT SINCE 1891
VOLUME CXLI ISSUE 7
APRIL 1, 2015
WWW.GFUCRESCENT.COM
BRUIN MASCOT TO BE REPLACED
WITH PACIFIST LLAMA
By Jessica Rivera
Crescent Staff
A
fter the rejection
of the bronze bear
statue, GFU faculty
and administration have decided
to replace the iconic bruin bear
for a pacifist, cuddlesome llama.
Rob Westervelt, executive
vice president, said the administration first noticed the irony
after students and community
members brought forth a petition.
Due to the assumption of violence associated with the bruin
bear, the GFU community felt
the bruin misrepresented Quaker
values and the heart of the university.
The infamous bruin nickname began in 1887, when
a student found a young cub
in the Coast Range’s foothills
near Carlton, Ore. The student
brought the cub to campus,
where it lived with a faculty
member. When the bear reached
adulthood, they relocated it to
the pit in Hess Creek canyon,
south of campus.
“The transition is costly, but
worth it,” said ASC Executive
President Jake Vanier. “We are
confident the new mascot will
change the school’s atmosphere
and attitude, especially in athletics.”
According to National Geographic, llamas are social and
friendly animals. They fulfill the
role of both working animal and
pet.
Llamas embody the university’s mission of service and community. Their intelligence and
ability to learn simple tasks after
just a few repetitions demonstrates character and determination.
In two years, GFU plans to
adopt a llama. The llama will be
named Robin Baker, after the
current university president,
and will reside in the quad near
the clock tower. Students will
be allowed to pet and feed the
llama. Since its diet consists of
hay and grass, feeding will not be
an issue.
A few students claim they
will miss the bruin and the legendary Bruin Brawl.
“I’m saddened, yet excited,”
said junior Kyle Miller. “Students
will need time to adjust and
embrace the llama as one of their
own.”
The brawl will be replaced
with The Llama Laugh Off,
which consists of stand-up
comedy showdowns between
classes. The winner will receive
a GFU sweater made of llama
yarn.
The “George Fox Llamas”
will take immediate effect in the
The aggressive bruin bear will be replaced with a gentle llama
fall of 2015.
Photo by Kelly Toms | Crescent Staff
STATUE OF QUAKER OATS MAN 20-STORY PARKING
GARAGE TO BE BUILT
TO BE BUILT ON CAMPUS
FOR COMMUTERS
By Elizabeth Cranston
Crescent Staff
P
Oatmeal enthusiasts are excited for the new statue
By Elizabeth Cranston
Crescent Staff
G
FU is about to
“Quaker Up.” The
school has decided
to get back to its roots and has
approved a life-size bronze
statue of the Quaker Oats man
that will be featured in the rose
garden on campus.
“We all know how much
people love to eat oatmeal,” said
a member of the bronze statue
planning committee.
“Nothing says, ‘hey want to
be friends?’ better than a bronze
statue of a Quaker dressed
as a cherub-cheeked George
Washington, offering a bowl of
oatmeal to all who pass by,” he
said. “Here at GFU, we feel that
this will be a great addition to
our school.”
Many GFU students are
excited for this addition to the
university.
“I love oatmeal almost as
much as I love my Bruins,” said
sophomore Avena Sativa. “I’m
excited to see the statue when it
is all done.”
The six-foot tall statue will
be completed in time for the
first home football game in
the 2015 season. A dedication
Photo by Kelly Toms| Crescent Staff
ceremony will reveal the statue
to the public and a tailgate
party will follow kicking off the
season.
The tailgate party will be
sponsored by Bon Appetit and
will feature a variety of oatmeal
options from Bruin-Berry
Crunch to Quaker Maple Apple
Cinnamon. Gluten free, vegetarian, as well as vegan options will
all be available.
“I really like that the statue
will remind everyone of the
Quaker values such as honesty,
integrity, purity, and strength,”
Billy Penn said.
arking spaces are
coming! In winter
of 2016 GFU will be
breaking ground on a 20-story
parking structure.
Finding parking has become
more and more problematic in
recent months. Students on this
pacifist campus have turned to
jousting, resulting in several
casualties which have brought
needed attention to the issue.
“We realized just how
serious this problem was when
we heard about the feuding that
was taking place in the seven
kingdoms of the parking lots,”
said a concerned administrator.
The students agreed with
this statement.
“The things we do for
parking,” said sophomore Esther
J. Lann. “It can get pretty brutal
out in the parking lots. I once
followed a kid to his car and sat
there for 15 minutes while he
rummaged around in his trunk.
He didn’t even end up leaving,
and I was late to class that day.
The next time I saw him, I challenged him to a joust.”
Junior Tare Garyen stated
her distaste of the current
parking situation. “I hate coming
to class every morning and
having to fight over parking
spaces; it’s seriously like a war
zone out there. Honestly sometimes I just wish I had a dragon
that I could just fly to school on.
I doubt anyone would fight me
for a parking space then,” she
said.
The new parking structure
will be built on what is currently the Stevens parking lot.
The building of the garage
was approved and pushed
through the system when students began usurping ASC officers in order to gain enough
political power to finally bring
the 20-story parking structure
to the people.
“When you play the Game
of Parking, you win or you die!”
senior Cher Smith said proudly.
SPORTS
APRIL 1, 2015
PAGE 2
PLAY FOOTBALL...
OR LEAVE
By Emily Hamilton
Crescent Staff
A
s
the
football
program continues
to expand, GFU
will go to drastic measures to
increase the number of football
players on campus.
From this point on, only students who play football will be
admitted to the university.
With the addition of football, GFU’s male to female
ratio finally began to level out.
The university will sacrifice
this progress by admitting only
males who play football in the
foreseeable future.
“I know we came a long
way, but if we want to get this
program started, the school is
really going to have to commit.
This means all football all the
time, no distractions,” said a
source who wished to remain
anonymous.
This will also mean the overhaul of academic programs.
The anonymous source said,
“All professors will attend a
rigorous five-week course this
summer. Our hope is that each
and every one will learn how to
connect athletics to their subject
matter, and apply it to the sport
of football.”
In the coming weeks, administrators will begin preparations
for this major overhaul. With so
many players on campus, both
gyms, Wheeler and Duke, will
be expanded. With the addition of new weight rooms, team
rooms, and classrooms, the university hopes to have the edge
over every other team in the
nation.
Dorms and living areas will
also be remodeled to accommodate the new student athletes.
Instead of relying on random
selection, coaches and administrators will fill each hall with
specific team positions. Defensive linemen, for example,
will be in Pennington with the
running backs.
This allows for greater focus
and team development than traditional housing.
“Our vision is to be the team
to beat in NCAA Div. III, with
the most formative athletic experience in the country,” said
an anonymous source. “It fills
me with joy to think that we
are finally taking steps to truly
achieve this goal for the sake of
football.”
GFU BOASTS BAKER
AS BEST ATHLETE
By Hailey Ostrom
Crescent Staff
P
resident Robin Baker
has been inducted
into the GFU Hall of
Fame for being the “Most Athletic President.”
While President Baker
spends most of his day in a business suit, he has been seen in
gym attire during his free time.
As an all-state high school
athlete, college basketball player,
and passionate runner, President
Baker is a natural sportsman.
Every year President Baker joins
the women’s basketball team in
a preseason mile-and-a-half run
– a run President Baker rarely
loses.
“It is a huge honor to be inducted in the George Fox Hall
of Fame for being the most athletic president,” said President
Baker. “I have competed against
several of the teams for years,
but my greatest joy has always
been beating Keisha Gordon.
Even though she is an All-American, she has never been able to
beat me.”
Gordon graduated from
GFU in 2012 after she helped
lead her team to a National Championship title and was
named First Team All-American
for women’s basketball.
“He may have beaten me in
running, but he will never beat
me on the basketball court.
Never. Like, ever. Not even if I
gave him a ten point head start,”
said Gordon.
This year, President Baker
competed against the men’s and
women’s golf teams in a mile
run. Although the women’s golf
team is currently ranked No. 2
in the nation, they too fell short
to the president in the race.
“Do I think President Baker
deserves this award? Absolutely.
He is one of the best athletes at
GFU,” said sophomore Madison
Perry.
“Forget about the women’s
basketball team and our
women’s golf team who are both
nationally ranked. President
Baker is number one. Simply
put, he’s the best there ever
was.”
The Hall of Famer is scheduled to race again next fall
against the women’s basketball
team.
Unrelatedly,
President
Baker has also been selected for
random performance-enhancing
drug testing.
We must ask ourselves the critical question . . .
Photo by Kelly Toms | Crescent Staff
CONTROVERSY LAID BARE OVER
SCANDALOUS SHORT SHORTS
. . . are these harmless running accessories or dangerous objects of obsession?
By Levi Bowers
Crescent Staff
T
he ongoing debate
regarding modesty
has spread throughout Christian culture, and the
world of sports is no exception.
Currently, there has been great
controversy over the modesty of
the shorts worn by the men of
the GFU cross country team.
“The shorts the guys have
to wear are too revealing,” said
senior runner Katie Dyk. “They
show so much leg that they’ve
caused me to stumble. Literally.”
Other team members corroborated her statement.
“I’m just afraid I’m going
to seriously injure myself or
others,” said Rachel Kraske, also
a senior. “I try not to look too
hard at anyone when I run.”
These are not merely isolated cases. In the 2014 season,
there were 15 rolled ankles,
12 falls, and one concussion attributed to the short shorts.
However, coaches remain
skeptical of the phenomenon.
“I just don’t see how this can
be a problem for the women,”
said Randy Dalzell, head coach
of the cross country team.
“I’d like to think everyone
is here to run races, not worry
about what everyone else is
wearing.”
“The shorts are actually
short for a reason,” said Amber
Rozicka, assistant head coach.
“They allow the runner to carry
the minimal amount of weight
in order to run faster and stay
cooler while running.”
The female runners still
remain unconvinced.
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“I just feel like it’s inconsiderate,” said Dyk. “How am I
supposed to run a race with that
kind of distraction around?”
There have also been complaints from people outside of
the cross country team. One
rumor circulating the GFU
campus claims several donors
have threatened to pull funding
if something is not done.
Craig Taylor, director of athletics, refused to comment on
the situation.
“We all need to be careful
what we wear,” said Dyk. “We’re
ambassadors of the university
and we can’t let our teammates
be called cheaters for causing
other runners to stumble as
well. We need to reflect our
Christian values.”
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or job title, department name and
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The opinions and ideas presented
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SPORTS
APRIL 1, 2015
PAGE 3
NEW SPORT CLAIMS WOMEN ARE
LITERALLY CUMBERSOME OBSTACLES
By Josh Cayetano
Crescent Staff
F
or the 2015-16 school
year, GFU has officially announced the
introduction of Wife-carrying as an intercollegiate sport.
GFU’s Wife-carrying enters into
the Northwest Conference of
NCAA Division III athletics.
For those of you who are
scratching your heads with your
ring-less fingers, you may be a
little confused. What exactly is
wife-carrying?
Believe it or not, wife-carrying is an up-and-coming sport
worldwide.
Wife-carrying is a contest
that pits married couples against
one another. The husband
carries his female counterpart on his shoulders through a
variety of obstacles, including
mud, water, and sand.
The goal is to complete the
obstacle course in the fastest
time.
There are several types
of carrying employed during
the obstacle course, including
but not limited to piggy-back,
fireman, and Estonian-style (the
most common form, in which
the wife hangs upside down
from her husband’s shoulder and
holds onto his waist).
Although the sport originated in Finland, it has spread
to other countries, including
Canada, the United States, India,
and Australia.
GFU is joining the movement to bring wife-carrying to
campuses nationwide.
Many couples across the
GFU campus are participating in
the traditional “Ring by Spring”
in an attempt to qualify for the
upcoming tournament.
One such couple is Evan
Hoffman and Lexxs Sutton who
married a few weeks ago.
“We’re so excited to start
wife-carrying at GFU,” says
Hoffman. “We’ve already begun
training.”
GFU joins five other Christian colleges in the Northwest
Conference. Conference play
begins next spring following the
Ring by Spring rush.
Some proponents claim a Biblical foundation for the new sport.
Photo by Sam Hoard | Crescent Staff
COMING THIS FALL:
JUMBOTRON WILL SCREEN EXCITING ACTION
By Heather Harney
Crescent Staff
T
he jumbotron on the
Stoffer Family Football field will serve a
new function this fall.
Recently, concern has grown
among students about the
wasted electricity used to regurgitate pictures to an empty
stadium.
“We do not want the ‘tron to
sit idly while we await our next
football season,” said President
Baker. “Our goal was to always
subsidize the usage of electricity by turning the screen into a
sit-in theater for students.”
Thus, this fall students will
be able to watch movies on the
The goal, claims the GFU administration, is that we all might be entertained.
$800,000 jumbotron.
The first round of movies
to be shown will be “Any Given
Sunday,” “The Program,” “Varsity
Blues,” “Rudy,” “Hoosiers,” “Remember the Titans,” “Blindside,”
“We are Marshall,” and “Chariots
Photo by McKayla Phillips | Crescent Staff
of Fire.”
Students will need to buy
a $5 voucher in order to find a
spot on the field to watch the
movies. Those students who
cannot afford to pay will be
allowed to sit on the cold aluminum stands.
Movies will start at sunset.
No food or drink is allowed on
the field. Students are required
to bring a blanket to sit on.
“We do not want to tarnish
the fake lush green grass,” said
one football coach.
The administration believes
showing inspirational movies
will not only bring the student
body together but will also
justify the need to spend so
much on something that is only
used for six games a year.
“What a great way to use a
piece of equipment that just sits
there,” said Baker.
There are two petitions
going around campus to add
more movies. One petition
would like to see “Spaceballs”
and “Monty Python and the
Holy Grail” on the jumbotron.
The other petition asks to
stream “Doctor Who,” “Sherlock,” and “Downton Abbey”
to provide students an outdoors-option to binge-watch
Netflix.
FEATURE
APRIL 1, 2015
CELEBRATING
EMILY DAY
PAGE 4
THE HONORS
PROGRAM IS A CULT
T
Emily Warnes is one of the many Emilys on campus who is ecstatic for Emily Day.
Photo by KelseyVaughn | Crescent Staff
By KelseyVaughn
Crescent Staff
T
here are over 50 students at GFU with
the name of Emily.
These students share
more than just a name; they
share
meaningful
experiences, such as the sadness of
hearing someone shout their
name in the Bon but knowing
it’s not for them—or worse,
not
responding
because
they assume the person is
talking to a different Emily,
when in fact it is one of their
friends wanting to say hello.
They have all experienced the
half-hearted jokes of a professor
with two Emilys in class, who
tries to come up with clever
ways of distinguishing between
them.
“It makes me really sad
sometimes,” confessed junior
Emily Warnes. “How am I supposed to ‘Be Known’ when everyone has the same name as
me?”
This predicament is not
unique to Emilys at GFU. The
name was the number-one baby
name for girls from 1996 to
2007, and is still number seven
on the list today. It is clear that
these individuals suffer the negative effects of overrepresentation, at GFU as well as all over
the country.
But Emily Moore, a senior at
GFU, had an idea to change that.
“I realized that it doesn’t
have to be this way,” Moore said,
with obvious passion in her eyes.
“I’ve spent many years hating
my name and all the awkward
situations it brings, so I decided
to turn that upside down by
encouraging other Emilys to
embrace their lack of individuality!”
To make this vision a reality,
Moore planned an “Emily Day”
celebration, which took place
on the quad last week. Passersby may have seen the women
gathered under the clock tower
Wednesday afternoon. Everyone
wore the same nametag; Moore
had originally planned for the
nametags to have last names, but
then realized that ran contrary
to the spirit of sameness.
“I’ve never experienced anything like this,” said Emily Lund,
a junior, during the celebration.
“It’s like we have a community, and we can bond with each
other for the first time, instead
of being annoyed that we’re in
the same classes together. I’ve
never been so proud of not
being unique.”
The event was so successful that Moore hopes to make
the group an official club, with
a welcome reception for the
dozens of Emilys who will no
doubt be accepted at GFU in the
next few years. She also hopes
the event will be emulated by
others with annoyingly common
names.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if
we see a ‘Matthew Day’ or a
‘Joshua Day’ in the future,” she
said.
By Joshua Cayetano
Crescent Staff
he William Penn
Honors Program is
a new addition to
GFU. Many are unaware of its
existence or its function, and
for good reason.
Although only a select few
are aware, the William Penn
Honors Program is a cult.
This is why the majority of the
student body is virtually oblivious to it.
Students in the WPHP
routinely engage in cultic activities.
For example, students
were observed gathered
around a rectangular table,
holding hands, and singing
what appeared to be an
ancient rite. This phenomenon occurs weekly in the mysterious Pennington House, a
building not to be confused
with freshman dormitory Pennington Hall.
Inside Pennington House
are remnants of WPHP’s inspiration and founder, Levi Pennington, including a lifelike
bust of his head.
Upon entering the building, members of the cult rub
the head of the bust to symbolize their constant endeavor to attain the corrupted
values of Pennington through
“reason.”
The leader of their cult,
Dr. Joseph Clair, is purported
to be a master in the dark art
of persuasion. He continues to
employ this persuasion as the
entire Honors Program faculty
brainwashes their first-year
students.
The goal of their
brainwashing is to indoctrinate
students with Plato’s vision of
the rule of philosopher-kings
before they take over ASC.
Many
members
of
the program declined to
comment, claiming that any
disclosure of their many cultic
practices would lead to immediate expulsion from the
order.
From what others have observed, it can be ascertained
that the Honors Program
attempts to segregate its
members from the rest of
the student body by assigning absurd amounts of daily
reading – usually ranging from
50-200 pages.
After their four-year training is complete, members
of the cult will emerge from
their holes and reintegrate
themselves into the community, indoctrinated and prepared
to execute their mission.
The WPHP Constitution
begins, “We the People of the
Higher Power.” Thus, WPHP
does not actually stand for
the William Penn Honors
Program, but is a direct reference to its vanity and divine
calling.
If you ever discover a
member of the WPHP engaging in any of their cultic activities, please do not hesitate to
confront them. When you do,
it is imperative to proclaim
your knowledge of their existence in order to discourage
any further anarchical revolutions.
MELANIE MOCK STARS IN
ANOTHER REALITY SHOW
By Izzy Anderson
Crescent Staff
elanie Mock was recently featured in Nick Cannon’s
new television show “Caught on Camera,” and is now
“too cool for the rest of you losers,” she said.
After seeing Mock on his show, Cannon, who had recently filed
for divorce from wife Mariah Carey, was intent on making Mock his
next wife. Mock’s husband, Ron, however, was not ecstatic about this
idea. Ron Mock challenged Cannon to a duel—a Settlers of Catan
duel. The stakes? Cannon wins, he wins M. Mock as well. R. Mock
wins, he receives all rights to future Hollywood TV shows.
Inviting longtime friend Phil Smith to join in the festivities, R.
Mock and Cannon began battling it out in Settlers. Things took a
nasty turn when Cannon stole all of R. Mock’s wheat, resulting in a
pacifist exchange of harsh words. R. Mock overcame Cannon in the
end, after five grueling hours of gameplay.
R. Mock then won all rights to future TV shows, and he knew
exactly what he wanted to do with them.
M. Mock is now the proud owner of a brand new TV show: “Real
Housewives of Newberg,” featuring herself as the star. M. Mock will
From professor to reality TV star; Mock will be starring in “Real Housewives of Newberg.”
be choosing fellow colleagues to participate in her new hit series—
Photo by Izzy Anderson | Crescent Staff watch for it on Bravo this summer.
M
ARTS & CULTURE
APRIL 1, 2015
PAGE 5
BIBLICAL FOOD WEEK FEAT. “REAL CHRISTIAN FOOD”
Monday’s menu is “Lost in the Desert” themed.
By Heather Harney
Crescent Staff
T
he week after Easter,
the Bon will be
serving only food
eaten in the Bible. The inspiration for this came after 38
students held a sit-in, which occurred late on March 12 in the
Foxhole.
“Real
Christians
don’t
eat fried food and processed
cheese,” said freshman John
Smith. “I have had to resort to
being a vegan because the Bon
refuses to step out of its comfort
zone.”
Smith and his friends’ efforts
to garner change did not go unnoticed by Bon management.
In a short press release
Thursday, Bon management
said, “We understand students
have frustrations. So we decided
to start simple by serving only
meals that those in the Old and
New Testaments would eat.”
The menu for the week will
vary daily, but there will be two
definite staples: milk and honey.
The milk will come from
Photo by McKayla Phillips | Crescent Staff
local goats and the honey will
come from a local bee farm.
Other foods that will be served
include matzo (unleavened
bread), wine-soaked barley
bread, figs, dates, pomegranates, olives, bitter herbs, freshly
killed roasted lamb, eggs, fish,
and locusts.
President Baker has also
allowed the Bon to serve wine
during this week. The only other
drinks offered will be water and
milk.
Professor
Brian
Doak
shared that the patriarchs and
the matriarchs had no kitchens
to cook in, so their food was
cooked in front of their tents.
The Bon will be following in
this tradition. A yellow tent will
be set up in the middle of the
quad for the entire week.
In biblical times, breakfast
was not a meal in which foods
were cooked, so the Bon will be
serving only bread, olives, milk,
and honey.
Lunch will consist of winesoaked bread, grilled fish, bitter
herbs, locusts, milk, and honey.
Dinner will feature the most
choices, complemented by milk
and honey.
While matzo soup is not
something found within the
Bible, the Bon has decided to
offer it as an alternative for vegetarians and vegans.
Senior Ducky Dee said, “I
am excited to get back to the
basics. I appreciate the Bon
reaching out to those who
cherish our bodies as temples.”
PROJECT TOWER OF BABEL
Concerns about lightening and heresy surround the proposed
clock tower renovations
By Elizabeth Cranston
Crescent Staff
T
he 65-foot tall
Centennial Tower
has dominated the
center of the quad since it was
built in 1991, commemorating
the university’s 100th birthday. Next fall, junior Albert E.
Stein will be adding 85 feet to
the tower. Stein’s project has
been approved and will make
the GFU clock tower stand
150 feet in the air.
Stein’s plan, known as
“Project Tower of Babel,” will
use an 85-foot antenna to send
and receive frequencies into
the sky. His goal is to make
direct contact with God.
“I’ve worked really hard to
get this enterprise going and I
truly believe that it will work,”
he said.
Stein has always had an interest in creating gadgets. “My
freshman year, I created the
Shinar 1000. It is a 10-foot
collapsible antenna that I can
take around with me. I’ve
been successful in using it to
send messages into the air. So
far, I have received some interesting noises in return. But
my success has been limited
and that’s why I am really
excited to be able to use the
clock tower to get even better
results. The new antenna will
be called the Shinar 2000.”
The antenna will be installed on top of the tower
over the summer and Stein
will be closely monitoring the
work.
Strange frequencies are not
the only thing Stein has been
picking up with this project.
Many GFU students are concerned over the heretical ramifications of this plan. A group
of protesters called the Coalition Against Babel (CAB) has
formed in an effort to thwart
Stein’s progress.
Shem Stanson, a senior
Biblical Studies major and
leader of the group, is completely against the idea.
“All we must do is look to
the book of Genesis to see why
such a thing should not take
place,” he said.
The CAB has planned
a peaceful protest that will
begin once the details of the
construction start date are released.
“We will make a human
chain around the tower and are
already working on posters,”
said Stanson. “We will not go
down without a fight.”
There have also been mild
concerns about the future of
the clock tower. “What if the
antenna attracts lightning?”
asked sophomore Martin
McFly. “It could cause the
clock to get stuck and never
work the same way again.
What if it just read 10:04
forever?”
Even with all the criticism
and pushback, Stein remains
unfazed. “When the Shinar
2000 works, it will revolutionize prayer life,” he said.
“You will now be able to know
God’s answers to your prayers
and I personally think that is
pretty amazing.”
OPINION
APRIL 1, 2015
PAGE 6
A NEW SHADE OF CHAPEL SPEAKER:
By Melanie Mock
Crescent Staff
T
he chapel program tries
its hardest to be interesting, challenging,
thoughtful, God-led, and culturally relevant. Sure, the “Finding
Big Foot” chapel, circa 2001,
proved to be somewhat controversial, but those who questioned the relevance of a chapel
on Sasquatch failed to realize
that God loves real and imagined Neanderthals living in the
Pacific Northwest, and that we
should seek to love them, too.
Now, as the Spiritual Life
team begins putting together
its chapel schedule for 201516, they need to begin thinking
seriously about contemporary
speakers who will meet their
criteria, people who will reach
this generation of college students and assure that they are
spiritually fed. The top person
on their list should definitely be
E.L. James.
Unless you’ve totally detached yourself from mass
media, you surely know who
E.L. James is (and if you’ve
been detached from mass
media, Jesus will be sad). James
parlayed her considerable fan
fiction gifts into a best-selling
trilogy, “50 Shades of Grey.” The
book has spawned all kinds of
other products, including a critically-acclaimed film shot almost
BRING E.L. JAMES!
entirely with close angles on
bare skin.
Just think of the many topics
James could whip up for a 20minute chapel speech! Not only
could she speak about what
it means to use God’s gifts of
language and writing to reach
vast audiences, she could also
talk about the doors God can
open—or close—for those with
limited writing abilities but an
intense longing to be famous.
After all, James has lived that
life, transforming her wooden
prose, clichéd characters, and
marginal plot lines into a million-dollar industry. She must
surely believe that her life is
#blessed.
More significantly, the characters in James’s books truly
reflect the biblical mandate
about male-female relationships, as established in Ephesians
5:22. There, we are told that
wives need to submit to their
husbands, which means—if
you believe evangelical popular
culture (and I do!)— that wives
are to be submissive and docile
at all times, letting their husbands take charge in all things.
What better person to teach
us about submission than James,
whose books are all about a
woman’s submission to her
mate? In the tradition of other
evangelical icons, like John
Piper and Pat Robinson, James
can let us know what submission
BEFORE
really looks like for a woman
who endeavors to follow God’s
word: that is, to submit in all
things, even when doing so
might not be what a wife wishes.
Some might question why
we would invite James to
chapel; after all, her books are
about S and M, and may endorse
(even implicitly) some kinds of
domestic abuse. To that I would
say: haven’t you heard of Christian Domestic Discipline? It’s
B
Prophecy of the possible reality of the mandatory beard length .
Photo by Samuel Hoard | Crescent Staff
relationships require submissive women. If students at GFU
haven’t heard that message yet,
they certainly need to. Perhaps,
in keeping with the spirit of
GFU, she could title her address
“50 Shades of Quaker Grey,”
and then everybody—students,
faculty, administrators, and especially our constituents—will
truly be happy.
MANDATORY BEARD LENGTH
By Chelsea Gritten
Crescent Staff
AFTER
a growing movement of evangelical Christians who strongly
believe that submission in a marriage requires some forms of
spanking, and that a wife learns
best about becoming submissive when turned over the knee
of her husband. (Learn more at
www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com.)
James is simply taking this
movement to the masses, letting
millions of fans know that happy
eginning in the fall of
2015, GFU will be implementing a mandatory
beard length for all males in the
student body. This strategic date
allows men the opportunity to
use summer as a time to grow
their beards and meet every
aspect of the requirements.
These requirements take the
age and class of each male into
consideration. Therefore, freshmen will be expected to grow
an inch-long beard by the spring
of their first year of college.
Each year, a subsequent inch
will be added to the requirement. Sophomores’ beards must
be at a minimum length of two
inches. Junior year, the requirement bumps up to three inches,
so that by the time the seniors
graduate, all beards will be five
inches or longer.
Anderson Campbell and Bill
Jolliff will be the faculty representatives reinforcing the new
requirements. Freshmen who
feel that they cannot comply
with these new rules will be
brought under these teachers’
wings and punishments will be
enforced accordingly.
Jolliff will be in charge of
lesser offenses, such as those
who choose to break the requirements by only growing a
mustache without an accompanying beard. The punishment
will consist of a ten hour longer
“IT IS REALLY FOR
EVERY MALE STUDENT’S GOOD SO
THAT THEY CAN
BETTER REPRESENT
THE PORTLAND
AREA”
reading of William Bradford’s
collective works.
For more serious offenses,
such as someone shaving his face
entirely, Campbell will be in
charge. He threatens that these
offenders may be punched in
the face in the same manner as
St. Nicholas (who set this precedence). For very severe cases,
Campbell may use his extensive knowledge of tattoos to
give repeat offenders tattooed
beards.
While the mandatory beard
length may appear strict, it is
really for every male student’s
good so that they can better
represent the Portland area and
woo a young, hipster lass whom
they can give a ring by spring.
For those scared that they
will be unable to meet these
requirements, there are several
tactics that Jolliff, Campbell,
and other select faculty and
alumni recommend. First of all,
invest in several red flannels and
wear them at all times. Buy as
many cups of overpriced coffee
in surrounding coffee shops as
needed.
If the problem persists, grab
a guitar and hike to the top of a
waterfall hidden in the Oregon
pines. Find a grassy plain or high
peak with a view of the entire
valley. The more Instagram
photos you capture of such adventures, the more you will increase your chances of finding
your inner man and unleashing a
glorious beard.
Good luck and good
growing.
OPINION
APRIL 1, 2015
PAGE 7
A CALL FOR ZIPBOARDS INSTEAD OF ZIPCARS
By Josiah Thurston
Crescent Staff
P
icture this: a small stack
of locked longboards
standing in the shade
beneath the walkway dividing
Hobson and Sutton. A student
walks up, whips out her debit
card, swipes it once through the
machine next to the stack, pulls
out a longboard with appropriate levels of awesome stickers,
cinches up her backpack’s waist
strap (which normally receives
no use), adjusts her hipster cap,
and hurtles down the canyon at
five times the speed of her laboring, sweating, aching fellow
students who have ignored the
option of the new Zipboards.
Having funded Zipcars that
have received little to no use,
the university should realize it’s
time to take a step back, take in
the big picture, and realize that
Zipboards will receive far more
use at a fraction of the cost.
Yes, the startup expenses
won’t be cheap at $100 or so
for each board, as well as waterproof enclosures to keep them
in, but the boards would quickly
pay for themselves at whatever
price the per-use cost is set at.
I would suggest something low
(around 10 cents per use) in
order to encourage students to
try it out.
Then remove the signs that
designate a price and slowly
raise it without informing
anyone. No one (especially
college students) reads their
statement anyway, and so no one
will know the difference until
costs can be as high as $4-5 per
use. This may require resetting
the price to a lower level from
time to time, but if this is done
about once every four years,
then an incoming class can be
suckered for all they are worth
by the time they graduate.
Enough of the boring business plan. Let’s talk about the
boards themselves. Though
there is a simple beauty to a
brand new un-besmirched longboard, more beauteous is a
longboard positively drenched
in hipster paraphernalia. Dutch
Bros., bands no one has heard
of, and local politicians all give
out stickers for free, and with
these stickers, an average board
becomes one that will attract
students and staff alike.
If nothing else, we should
finance this for the sheer glory
of seeing Bill Jolliff’s beard
wafting in the wind as he rides
a brand new Zipboard down our
very own canyon.
New Zipboards soon to be seen on campus.
BLASPHEMY TAUGHT AT GFU
B
By Julia Howell
Crescent Staff
oth the biology and
chemistry departments
teach the idea of evolution to students in their classes,
and it needs to be stopped .
The biblical evidence makes
it absolutely clear that creation
happened over a literal period
of six days. Anyone with a Bible
and a brain can see this evidence
is irrefutable.
Day one: Light is separated
from the darkness. Evening and
morning, the first day.
Day two: The waters are separated, sea from sky. Evening
and morning, the second day.
Day three: Plants and vegetation are created. Evening and
morning, the third day.
Day four: Stars and the lights
of the sky are created. Evening
and morning, the fourth day.
Day five: Birds and fish are
created. Evening and morning,
the fifth day.
Day six: Animals and humans
are created. Evening and
morning, the sixth day.
These clear distinctions
show that these acts of creation
occurred within periods of
twenty-four hours, repeated six
times. No one should dispute
this evidence if he or she cares
about the eternal destiny of the
soul.
Any other interpretation of
these incontestable words directly from the word of God
should not only be unheeded,
but abhorred.
Some say this creation story
took place over years, centuries, millennia. This is false doctrine. Those who entertain the
ear ticklers of our century will
receive the same punishment as
those who teach it.
If righteousness and morality, both of which are already
questionable in relation to the
behavior of certain students, are
to be maintained at this religious
institution, this doctrine of a
fluid creation timeline must be
stopped at all costs. Such doctrine gives way to the idea of
evolution and leaves no room
for God in our educational endeavors.
If this curriculum, which
comes from the mouth of evil
itself, continues to be taught at
this God-fearing institution, the
very souls of the students will
be hanging in jeopardy. This will
give way to destructive behavior,
which will lead students down a
path from which they will never
return. This behavior may take
the form of illicit activities such
as errant behavior in church,
dancing, speaking with the opposite sex, and even a reluctance
to attend campus chapel services.
If we care about our students
and the institution we attend,
which is under the careful watch
of the almighty eternal Judge,
we will not allow this blasphemous curriculum to be taught.
Those who believe otherwise should be expelled until
they see the fault in their beliefs
and testify to the truth.
Photo by McKayla Phillips | Crescent Staff
CAMPUS HOUSING IS
PERFECT
By Amanda Coulter
Crescent Staff
M
any students have
been begging that
more attention be
brought to GFU’s fabulous
campus housing. Students want
everyone to know all the wonderful points of campus housing:
a popular discussion topic, especially since it is the time of the
year when people decide where
they will be living next year.
Students have expressed
concern over the fact that they
just can’t decide where they
should live next year. There isn’t
one problem with any of the
housing options, and they can’t
decide where the best place to
live might be.
One student said, “I love
that there is so much room. Students could live here all four
years and have plenty of room
to stay on campus. GFU is great
about making sure they can accommodate all students, which
is perfect since they encourage
students to stay on campus.”
“What I really love about
housing is the community kitchens,” another student said. “Everyone’s so great about keeping
them clean and being respectful of others. Sometimes a kind
stranger will wash my dishes
before I can even get to them.
Also, the fridges never have
rotting food in them and always
smell great!”
One student stated, “What’s
awesome is how quiet it always
is. I usually have a lot of homework and need to stay up late.
What’s nice is after 10 p.m., everyone is supposed to be quiet
and it barely even needs to be
enforced—everyone’s
super
respectful and quiets down. I
never get distracted, and when
I do go to sleep, I am out like a
log because of the peacefulness.”
“THERE ISN’T ONE
PROBLEM WITH ANY
OF THE HOUSING
OPTIONS...PERFECTION IS EVIDENT
IN EVERY LIVING
AREA”
Many other students have
expressed their love of campus
housing. They hope nothing
changes about the housing
because some claim it is perfect.
This perfection is evident in
every living area and appreciated
by all students, especially those
required to stay on campus.
NEWS
APRIL 1, 2015
NEW JUNIORS ABROAD
GOES TO NORTH KOREA
Students will be able to go to North Korea next year
Photo courtesy of Sarah MacKenzie
By Heather Harney
Crescent Staff
I
n 2017, the Juniors
Abroad program will
finally send students to
North Korea. The entire trip
will be spent in Pyongyang.
After much research and
consulting with self-appointed American ambassadors Sean
Penn and Dennis Rodman, the
administration believes this
trip is not only safe but necessary. Both Penn and Rodman
have been looking for the right
school to serve as cultural ambassadors to North Korea for
five years.
“Rodman and I believe
whole heartily that Fox students
will reflect true American
values. These values echo the
Emperor himself,” said Penn.
Students will experience
the culture while being personally escorted for the entire VIP
tour of all the Emperor’s’ favorite places.
Rodman will be a chaperon along with an unannounced
professor. Currently there are
30 professors vying for the position. Paul Chamberlain also
promises many celebrity visiting professors for the class.
Students will visit the Tower
of the Juche Idea, the State
Circus, the Victorious Fatherland Liberation War Museum,
the Grand People’s Study
House, the zoo, the Revolutionary Opera, and the Triumphal
Arch.
Rodman also plans to take
students to several basketball
games.
“We can’t go to North
Korea and not play a little
b-ball,” said Rodman.
GFU hopes this trip will
become a yearly event and
is looking forward to seeing
this trip overtake the trip to
Ecuador as the “most popular”
one.
PAGE 8
CRESCENT WEBSITE
SHUTS DOWN AFTER
TOO MUCH TRAFFIC
By Britta Walen
Crescent Staff
T
he Crescent website
shut down last week
as a result of reaching
its maximum visitor capacity—
of one person.
The GFU web developers
said that “the website just can’t
handle this kind of traffic. If
it happens again, we will have
to adapt to a greater influx of
viewers.”
Dan Neil, the sole viewer
of the GFU Crescent webpage,
said that he just wanted to know
what other people at GFU
thought about Taylor Swift.
“I had already asked around
my dorm, but you know, I
thought I would look online and
I found the website,” Dan explained.
“It worked fine at first, when
I first got to the page. But once
I started clicking around to
search, then it crashed and said
that the website had too much
traffic and wouldn’t reload,” he
said.
Dan is not deterred. “It
looked like a cool place. It
would probably be a good way
to get information about school
events and other stuff going on
around campus.”
The Crescent page publishes
articles weekly as events occur.
It is a way to keep up-to-date
on news that may not be timely
when the paper edition comes
out. Many students do not know
about it. Luckily, Dan found the
website through a Google search
and was able to find information.
The crash is not ideal. The
site’s developers have promised
to expand the amount of traffic
that it can hold beyond just the
Crescent staff and Dan, who was
visiting the official site and not
just the staff’s editing page.
The Crescent staff was ecstatic when they found out
that someone had been clicking around on the site, even if
it was only for one minute and
37 seconds, and is hopeful that
even more people will be brave
enough to find time to check
out the information on the
website.
After the developers fix
the capacity that it can handle,
hopefully it will become more
useful for all.
TSA REPLACES GREETERS
FOR CHAPEL SECURITY
Students will now have to undergo full-body scans before entering chapel
By Britta Walen
Crescent Staff
C
oming Fall 2015, a
Transportation Security Association
(TSA) system will be replacing
greeters and sliding cards for
chapel security.
GFU decided that having
chapel greeters was not enough.
Upon entering chapel, students will be required to take
off shoes, jackets, hats, and
belts. Students will be asked to
put electronics into a side bin to
be sent through a scanner while
they walk through a metal detector. Alternatively, students
may opt out and receive a pat
down instead.
Students must have their official GFU ID cards ready before
going through the check point.
They will be required to hand
them to an agent who will slide
Photo by Kelly Toms | Crescent Staff
each card individually for them
and have it waiting for them
once they have passed the security check.
In addition to this, students will be asked to put their
phones on Airplane Mode or
have them turned off during the
chapel period – for the sound
system and for their own safety.
TSA agents set up in chapel will
remind students throughout the
hour to keep phones put away
and will also serve complimentary Quaker Oats.
When a student does not
pass the security check she will
be asked to leave and will not be
allowed to pass the chapel check
point. The TSA agents will also
be implementing random security checks on students as they
pass through the chapel check
point.
To make this process go
quickly for all students may
want to read the pamphlet,
“Campus Security: Getting
through Chapel Lines Smoothly,” which will be placed in each
student’s box at the beginning of
the year.
The GFU website and official student handbook will
outline the process ahead of
time for students to access.