best way to make friends

Transcription

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS
Dear Reader,
the best alternative hair product was now that I couldn’t just use
the leftover Burgher grease. One day Jeremy caught me sulking
The first time I met Caleb was Jan. 18, 2014, a Saturday. I
outside of Salsa Fresca. He said, “Hey friend, you look like you
dare you to fact check me that that day was a Saturday. It was
need some cheering up. I can show you where to find the best
~11:32 a.m. and I was recovering from a night that concluded
that life has to offer.” I am lucky to have a friend like Jeremy. He
with me playing naked twister with five bartenders I did not
makes sure that I always have the best of everything at all times.
know. I had just left my sad L-dub dorm and needed a coffee. As
We are well aware that not everyone has friends, which is why
I walked with my “shades” on and my head down, I bumped into
we put together this guide of all the “best” stuff that you will
what I thought was a tree. But no, it was Caleb. He said, “Hi, I’m
ever need from the cradle to the grave. For example, did you
Caleb. You look like you’re looking for the best place to get a cof-
know that the best movie ever made is actually Cradle 2 the
fee on a Saturday morning after a long night.” And I said, “I’m
Grave starring DMX? That’s just a preview of what’s to come in
Jeremy. Yes.” Seven minutes later I sipped on the best coffee of
the following pages. Read on, younglings, and soon your days of
my entire life and shared a platonic holding of the hands with my
settling will be the days of yore!
new friend Caleb. That coffee, as you are probably wondering,
was from Educated Burgher…
Hugs,
Hey gang, Caleb here! The Educated Burgher no longer be-
Jeremy Hoffman and Caleb Moran
ing with us made me realize just how short life is. One second
Special Issue Editors
I’m there, eating all the Educated Burghers that my cold heart
desires, the next I’m standing outside in the rain wondering what
The
Yale
Herald
Volume LX, Number 12
New Haven, Conn.
Friday, Dec. 11, 2015
SPECIAL ISSUE STAFF
Editors-in-chief: Jeremy Hoffman, Caleb Moran
Managing Editors: Sarah Holder, David Rossler, Charlotte
Weiner
Assistant Editor: Charlie Bardey
EDITORIAL STAFF:
Editor-in-chief: David Rossler
Managing Editors: Sarah Holder, Charlotte Weiner
Executive Editors: Kohler Bruno, Austin Bryniarski,
Alessandra Roubini, Lara Sokoloff
Senior Editors: Carly Lovejoy, Kendrick McDonald,
Anna Meixler
Culture Editors: Yi-Ling Liu, Jake Stein
Features Editors: Lily Sawyer-Kaplan, Rachel Strodel
Opinion Editors: Claire Goldsmith, Joyce Guo
Reviews Editor: Libbie Katsev
Voices Editor: Sophie Haigney
Insert Editor: Charlie Bardey
Copy Editors: Ali Golden, Sarah Gross
ONLINE STAFF:
Online Editors: Zoe Dobuler, Korinayo Thompson
Bullblog Editors: Jeremy Hoffman, Caleb Moran
DESIGN STAFF:
Graphics Editors: Natalie Schultz-Henry, Alex Swanson
Executive Design Editors: Ben McCoubrey, Kai Takahashi
BUSINESS STAFF:
Publishers: Olivia Briffault, Ellen Kim
Director of Advertising: Russell Heller
Director of Finance: Jocelyn Lehman
2 – The Yale Herald
The Yale Herald is a not-for-profit, non-partisan,
incorporated student publication registered with the Yale
College Dean’s Office.
If you wish to subscribe to the Herald, please send a
check payable to The Yale Herald to the address below.
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Please address correspondence to:
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www.yaleherald.com
The Yale Herald is published by Yale College students,
and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.
All opinions expressed are those of the authors and do
not reflect the views of The Yale Herald, Inc. or Yale
University. Copyright 2015, The Yale Herald, Inc. Have
a nice day.
Cover by Alex Swanson YH Staff
4
BEST
PIZZA
PLACE
BEST
HAIRCUT
BEST
BREAKFAST
PLACE
BEST
BEST
BEST
DINING
RESTAURANT PANT
HALL
MATERIAL
BEVERAGE
BEST
DISGUISE
BEST
COUCH
SHAPE
BEST
BEST
BEST
WAY TO GET THING TO
WAY TO
WASTE TIME UP SCIENCE BINGE
HILL
WATCH
9
BEST
ANIMAL ON
CAMPUS
11
BEST
DEAN’S
EXCUSE
BEST
MUSIC
VIDEO
BEST
ICE CREAM
FLAVOR
BEST
FANTASY
BEST
DARTY
ATTIRE
BEST
WAY TO
WIN OVER
YOUR TF
BEST
ESCAPE
FROM
ELM CITY
BEST
FOOD TO
BEST
CELEBRITY STEAL FROM
SNAPCHAT THE DHALL
BEST
LIGHT
FIXTURE
20
BEST
OFF
CAMPUS
EATS
22
BEST
FOOD TRUCK
5
BEST
WAY TO
MAKE
FRIENDS
BEST
POOPING
SPOT
BEST
SEAT
24
BEST
BEST
METRO
BEST
INSTAGRAM
NORTH
CELEBRITY CAPTION
TINDERING
TO FIGH
7
BEST
BEST
LIBRARY TO THING TO
YELL IN A
PLAY IN
LIBRARY
BEST
STATUE
BEST
SUMMER
INTERNSHIP
BEST
SENIOR
THESIS
BEST
BUY
BEST
TIME
10
BEST
LIBRARY
FOR WISTFULNESS
BEST
WAY TO
STAY WARM
BEST
PROFILE
PICTURE
BEST
LANGUAGE
BEST
BEST
BEST
BEST
USE OF A
WAY TO
GET OUT OF CONDIMENT DURFEE’S PICKUP LINE
SWIPE
SECTION
BEST
FONT
13
BEST
BEN
STILLER
MOVIE
BEST
BEST
BEST
BEST
PIECE OF
LIVE SNAP STREET ART
QUICK FOOD
ART IN YUAG
STORY
21
BEST
BEST
BEST
RINGBACK TIME TO CRY PAN-LIST
OPENER
TONE
BEST
AUTHOR
FOR PENISHAVERS
BEST
GLUTEN
OFFENSE
BEST
SALAD
19
BEST
BEST
EXTRASTART FOR
CURAN EMAIL
RICULAR
BEST
DANCE
MOVE
BEST
PLACE TO
TRIP PEOPLE
8
BEST
BEST
BEST
DATE SPOT
TOILET FOR
CAMPUS JOB FOR LAZY
SWIRLIES
PEOPLE
BEST
PLACE TO
BE SEEN
6
BEST
BEST
BEST
WAY TO
WAY TO SAVE
CLASS
NAME
MEET NEW
BIG
PEOPLE
14
BEST
BEST
YALE POP YUAG TEXT
CULTURE
FOR MY
REFERENCE TOMBSTONE
BEST
BEST
SUBSTITUTE
BEST D.M.
HANGOVER CURE FOR TOOTHBRUSH
BEST
WAY TO
UNWIND
BEST
BUTTERY
12
26
BEST
DESSERT
BEST
HIDING
SPOT
BEST
TEENAGE
HEARTTHROB
23
25
BEST
EMOJI
27
BEST
COMBINATION STORE
BEST
BEST
DATE SPOT
OFFFOR NON- CAMPUS
LAZY PPL BATHROOM
BEST
RESUME
ITEMS
BEST
PDA
BEST
SMELL
BEST
BUTTERY
ORDER
BEST
BEST
BEST
WAY TO
FORM OF
DRUNK
GET YOUR
EXERCISE FOOD PLACE
VITAMINS
BEST
BEST
BEST
ON-CAM- 2020 PRESISLEEP
PUS INFO
DENTIAL
SESSION CANDIDATE ACCESSORY
30
BEST
BEST
BEST
BEST
BEST
BEST
WAY TO
SOUL
CYCLE
YALE GRAD REASON TO
PLACE TO
SPACE
TRANSFER
SURVIVE
AN
ALTERNASCHOOL
NAP
TRAVELER
AGAIN
APOCALYPSE
TIVE
28
BEST
ALUMNUS
29
BEST
DAY TRIP
Dec. 11, 2015 – 3
BEST PIZZA PLACE
Jeremy Hoffman
BEST BREAKFAST PLACE
Sally’s.
Libbie Katsev
BEST WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS
`
Natalie Epstein
Oh man. Making friends. You guys have come to the right
person. Making friends is one of my favorite pastimes. Sure,
you might have one or two friends, but you probably have
been asking yourself how can I become a master like that girl
over there? That girl over there is me. Yeah. Hello. I’m here
to break down some of my famous techniques. A great way I
like to make friends is by being super beautiful. Being super
beautiful is really fun because when people say, “Hey, she is
really beautiful” it often means they are interested in being
your friend. Another way you can make friends is by being very
very smart. I also suggest being highly charismatic, something
which has served me very well over the years. Another great
way to make friends is to already have a lot of friends. If you
have a lot of friends, people will know you are a good friend
and will desire your friendship. So before you set out to make
some friends, I suggest getting a lot of friends. But what’s the
BEST way to make friends?? Probably by going outside and
singing a song about how you have no friends.
BEST DINING HALL
BEVERAGE
My apartment is the only place I ever eat breakfast. Also,
probably one of the few places on Yale’s campus that regularly
serves grechka, aka buckwheat kasha, aka Slavic quinoa.
However, the Dunkin’ Donuts at Union Station is a close runner-up. There’s nothing like the feeling of taking a bite of your
cream-filled donut and a swig of reasonably priced bottled
water as your train picks up speed, carrying you away from everything you once thought would make you happy. Back in the
station, hundreds of Yale graduates stampede in the opposite
direction, excited for another year of getting too drunk to see
the scoreboard. In the aisle across from you, a couple speaks
quietly to one another. The rush of the train drowns out most
of their conversation, but you think they are speaking Russian.
You ate grechka, of which Russians are the highest per-capita
consumers in the world, for breakfast (donut pregame) this
morning. For one shining moment, you believe there may be
meaning in all of this.
BEST RESTAURANT
Claire Goldsmith
David Rossler
Seltzer. Seltzer It took me months to realize that I could
have seltzer literally any time I walked into a dining hall. Go to
the soda machine, find the drink with the little “soda.”
Caseus. Fine dining that’s not pretentious, rustic but not
kitsch, cheese, bread, beer, boom.
BEST PANT MATERIAL
Nicholas Accinelli
The best pant material depends entirely on context. The
only context that matters is “Would Patrick Swayze wear this?”
To help, I compiled a short filmography from the 1991 “Sexiest
Man Alive” and tracked pant material.
The Outsiders
Distressed denim
Dirty Dancing
Leather/distressed denim
Red Dawn
Distressed denim
Steel Dawn
Distressed denim
Roadhouse
Distressed denim
Point Break
Polyester board shorts/foam neoprene wetsuit/distressed denim
Letters from a Killer
Distressed denim
Ghost
Distressed denim
Youngblood
Cotton hockey pants with nylon shell/distressed denim
One Last Dance
Cotton fancy dance pants
Black Dog
Distressed denim
BEST HIDING SPOT
Adam Sokol
Next time you’re playing a really intense game of hide-andseek there’s only one place you can run to where no other Yale
student will ever go: outside the Yale (College) bubble. You
could try East Rock, Japan, or even the Divinity School, though
really anywhere on the other side of Church Street would be
more than fine. I know that the idea of a world across the
New Haven Green is frightening to most, but the foreign lands
outside the Yale bubble are not all too bad. There’s plenty of
space, over seven billion people, President Jimmy Carter, and
the Yankee Candle factory store. Or, for some extra fun, make
your way over to West Campus where you can hide along the
“nature trail” that is really just a heavily littered, thin strip of
trees next to I-95. But if you’re really only looking for on-campus hiding spots, try Walden Peer Counseling or the Student
Wellness Center.
Rest in peace, Patrick, rest in peace.
BEST BUTTERY
BEST TEENAGE
HEARTTHROB
David Rossler
Charlie Bardey
Most butteries offer the same thing, plus or minus fifty
cents. Some are undoubtedly worse than others: I still smell
like old oil from the time I went into the Silliman Buttery in
2013. But TD is unrivaled, not for its stupid quesadillas, which
are the same everywhere, but for its chiropractic benefits.
That’s right: TD has a massage chair. Not only that, TD folk
never use the chair! They’re too used to it!!! But joke’s on them
because they don’t know what they’re missing!!!!! The chair
has a whole bunch of settings and has definitely extended my
life a whole bunch of years. I looked up the chair and it costs
over two thousand dollars, so it’s no joke. Best quesadilla experience, guaranteed.
When Justin Bieber released “Sorry,” my world turned upside down, because I flippin’ hate Justin Bieber. When he sings
he looks like you ate a special cookie that you didn’t know he
was saving for later. But “Sorry” is the greatest song of our
time, and I can’t fight it. “Oh no!” I thought. “Is terrible Justin
Bieber throbbing my heart?” But, thank gosh, even if my heart
does throb, he can’t be the best teenage heartthrob, because
he’s 21.
No, no, the best teenage heartthrob is still Tim Riggins.
“But Taylor Kitsch is 34, which is not a teenager,” you say.
Yeah, but Tim Riggins is a sophomore in high school. “Okay,”
you say, “but even back then he was 25.” Wrong, he was just
an ordinary alcoholic sophomore in high school who loves the
game of football. Well maybe a little extraordinary: Tim Riggins
always has weird sweaty long hair and it still looks so good.
Tim Riggins never doesn’t drink beer and has the best body of
all the high school sophomores. Also he’s so sensitive. If that
doesn’t throb your heart honestly you’re mean. Clear eyes, full
hearts, drink booze!
Dec. 11, 2015 – 5
BEST PLACE TO
TRIP PEOPLE
BEST HAIRCUT
Calvin Harrison
Devon Geyelin
There’s plenty of reasons to trip people: getting revenge
on Stacy for saying your prom dress was “too ’80s,” getting
revenge on that guy from English 120 who always stole your
great David Foster Wallace comment, or getting revenge on…
Okay, fair. The only good reason to trip someone is some sick
sense of retribution, or at least a healthy schadenfreude. But if
you’re going to do it, at least do it right, you sadist freak.
For maximum embarrassment, the stairs down to the lower
level of Bass clearly wins. No one goes to Bass to study, they
go to Bass to be seen studying. The people descending those
staircases have prepared themselves. It’s no easy task; the
perfect Bass look is half ready for a Goldman interview, half
taking an Uber to a SoulCycle class, and just a touch of walk of
shame from the Oxford-Cambridge. If you’re lucky, you might
even catch someone who’s already sipping on an open can of
San Pellegrino. Just stick out your foot as if you’re stretching
out from yesterday’s ride with Jen and let the lemon flavored
sparkling mineral water fly.
Mine, then Sasha Pup’s.
Well, my haircut is not actually the best. My haircut was
previously really good. I was in Spain over the spring, and the
older woman I was living with sent me to Emilio, who’s been
cutting her hair for the past 50 years. Emilio speaks no English
and I speak medium Spanish, so it was kind of an act of trust
to stop saying “no muy corto” and watch him take large chunks
of my hair and cut them in a way some would deem “at random.” Sorpresa—great haircut! But then I went to Salon J on
York and asked them to do the same thing (“he cut a big part
off over here. I think it was diagonal”) and it didn’t, unfortunately, work as well.
So: Sasha Pup! Always looks great. So clean!
BEST COUCH SHAPE
BEST DISGUISE
Charlie Bardey
You know what they say: “Run! Hide! They will find you!”
That’s why having a good disguise is crucial. For me personally,
every outfit is a disguise, because my true self is imprisoned by
capitalist and patriarchal norms of conduct and behavior. The
constructed notion of coherent identity is a fearsome beast,
and the more we can escape its clutches, the better. I find that
escape in my prized powder blue Snuggie. It’s perfect for pretending to be a lump of powder blue blanket in the corner at a
stressful house party, or for pretending to be alone on purpose
while alone in your room. A Snuggie is the perfect disguise for
those of you who have a body that won’t quit and an aura that
screams “Stay Back! And Do Not Come Close For If You Do
You Will Get Mired In The Darkness Within!”
Devon Geyelin
I like an L-shaped couch. One side is long, and the other
side is relatively short. You can rest your body long ways, but
then there’s room on the short leg for you to put a plate, or
your homework. Or you can face forward and sit only in the
short leg, so your back is on the backrest and your legs are
supported, but anyone sitting next to you has to sit more
upright, because they don’t have the short leg part to support
their legs. So you have the only legs supported by the couch,
and you can be like, I’m the queen!
BEST WAY TO WASTE TIME
Lora Kelley
Wasting time is sooo fun. It’s my guilty pleasure. Watching
MTV’s Hoarders, designing bday cards for my dogs on Photoshop, reading clickbait. I love it all. But I’ve discovered that the
best time-waster of all is majoring in the humanities. English,
history, classics—all a waste!
I didn’t realize this until recently, when I stumbled upon
a Reddit forum entitled, “Studying Humanities is a Waste
of Time.” As a recently declared Humanities major, my jaw
dropped to the floor (along with my copy of Ulysses and my
Moleskine). I didn’t even read the thread. I just broke down
right there and transferred to Stanford to study computer science. It’s been going well so far.
Take note, all: the humanities are dead! I know this may
come as a surprise. This is Yale, after all, the great bastion of
the humanities. The alma mater of literary greats like Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and Chad Michael Murray.
But, peers, the relevance of the novel has come and gone,
and I don’t want to see you get left behind. Don’t waste your
time reading books. Spend your time reading the names of
matches on one of the various cool dating apps Silicon Valley
has given us recently, or perhaps reading a scintillating line of
code. Jane Austen is dead, but Mark Zuckerberg is alive. Do
the math (major in math?), and don’t waste another precious
second.
BEST WAY TO GET UP
SCIENCE HILL
Claire Goldsmith
Science Hill, that untamed beast. How it looms behind
Cross Campus, eclipsing humanities majors with its -ologyfilled shadow. Should you dare to venture up that mountain of
medicine (a feat few members of the Herald staff have ever
contemplated), you’ll need a convenient form of transportation.
Just walk, you suggest? Come on. Biking is the new walking,
but hoverboarding is the new biking, but then you also look like
an idiot.
Actually, the best way to get up Science Hill requires a little
advance planning. Wait two years until the new colleges are
built and then transfer into the one with a better name, citing
your fervent desire to contribute to a new community founded
on your core values, to enable legions of eager youths to reap
the benefits of Yale’s residential college system, etc., etc. Get a
nice new air-conditioned room with a view of Grove Street Cemetery. You can wake up every day, contemplate the inevitability
of death, roll out of bed, and be halfway up Science Hill before
you’ve even had breakfast. This is a long-term transit plan, but
I think it’s a good one. Tortoise and the hare, yeah? Have a
STEM major check that one out.
BEST THING TO
BINGE WATCH
Calvin Harrison
Wasting time is sooo fun. It’s my guilty pleasure. Watching
MTV’s Hoarders, designing bday cards for my dogs on Photoshop, reading clickbait. I love it all. But I’ve discovered that the
best time-waster of all is majoring in the humanities. English,
history, classics—all a waste!
I didn’t realize this until recently, when I stumbled
upon a Reddit forum entitled, “Studying Humanities is a Waste
of Time.” As a recently declared Humanities major, my jaw
dropped to the floor (along with my copy of Ulysses and my
Moleskine). I didn’t even read the thread. I just broke down
right there and transferred to Stanford to study computer science. It’s been going well so far.
Take note, all: the humanities are dead! I know this may
come as a surprise. This is Yale, after all, the great bastion of
the humanities. The alma mater of literary greats like Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and Chad Michael Murray.
But, peers, the relevance of the novel has come and gone,
and I don’t want to see you get left behind. Don’t waste your time
reading books. Spend your time reading the names of matches
on one of the various cool dating apps Silicon Valley has given
us recently, or perhaps reading a scintillating line of code. Jane
Austen is dead, but Mark Zuckerberg is alive. Do the math (major
in math?), and don’t waste another precious second.
BEST TIME
Carly Lovejoy
The present, there’s nothing quite like it! Let the good times
unfold, as they say.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 7
BEST WAY TO MEET
NEW PEOPLE
Alex Kronman
This one is hardly even a question. All you gotta do is bring
your little booty down to PWG and sit it down in the sauna.
Within minutes, you will be surrounded with a plethora of
potential new friends to choose from. Some will be your age,
some will be much older, and some may even be right on the
verge of death. But listen, don’t be intimidated. Just stand up,
point right at the person you want to get to know a little better,
and tell them in your most commanding voice that you are
excited by the prospect of sharing something special together.
Then—quickly—make an assessment of the situation. If your
new friend looks a little bit too wet, maybe offer to share your
towel with them. If he looks a little sad, maybe make a quick
run to Durfee’s and come back with some Sour Patch Kids as a
little gift just for him. If he looks a little uninformed, maybe tell
him a thing or two that you learned in Natty D about subduction zones.
Listen. It’s as easy as that. Go hit the sauna and see for
yourself.
BEST CLASS NAME
Lea Rice
As most people know, I’ve been trying to establish myself
as a theatrical triple threat on this campus for some time now.
Whiffenpoof auditions, spontaneous stand-up comedy routines in lectures, dancing in the aisles of RB shows á la Amy
Poehler in Mean Girls—all to no avail. Finally, though, I think
I’ve found the class name that will give me the reputation I’ve
been craving: Dramatic Movement for Singers. It’s got drama,
dance, and vocal prowess in its title, and I obviously possess
the innate star power that completes the recipe for a Broadway
debut. Am I actually enrolled in and attending this one-credit
enigma every Monday at 11:30 a.m.? Irrelevant. Seven days a
week, it’s my go-to name drop and my exit line from all places
and situations.
BEST ANIMAL ON CAMPUS
BEST WAY TO SAVE BIG
Kohler Bruno
People on campus always ask me one question. Kohler,
they’ll say, what’s the best way to save big? In a word, Lunchables. Often, during my day I’ll see the moneyed classes of
Yale frequenting some lunch venues that are, to borrow a
phrase, not for the faint of coin.* In this economy, a Book Trader Tempesto will run you $7.95. Lunchables Pizza with Pepperoni? $1.25. And the best thing about Lunchables isn’t the
food. It’s the temperature the food is served at: ice cold. What
kid didn’t dream of making his own cold “pizza” for lunch? I’ve
always said, pizza is a cracker that you spread ketchup on and
add some grated cheese and a few slices of pepperoni. Yum!
All I’m saying is don’t get left behind when the Lunchables
Brigade rolls through town.
Rachel Strodel
Not Sasha Pup. Wow, I can feel the hate already.
Sasha, let me get this straight: you’re adorable. You’re soft.
You’re like a giant ball of powdered sugar dropped from heaven.
Do I procrastinate by watching videos of you and Rio running
around TD? Maybe. But this has gone too far. A dog should not
have more Facebook friends than I do, nor should it have more
likes on its profile picture than I do. The comments on the
page are even more appalling: “It’s a miracle I’m able to get
any work done living with you nine months of the year, Sasha.”
Sasha, it’s for your own good. Don’t let the paparazzi get to
your head. Oh I saw that picture of you back when you were a
show dog. I know you love to work the crowd. So best animal
this year probably Buck the Chi Psi dog or handsome Dan.
Ditch the ego and try again next year, Sasha Pup.
BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR
BEST FANTASY
Libbie Katsev
Alessandra Roubini
The other week my friend finally succeeded in forcing
me to watch Veep. Wow. JLD is a poet and a marvel (I know
I’m slow on the uptake, sometimes I just don’t know what’s
good for me). All was going stupendously—we seamlessly
transitioned from the pilot to the second episode, when
things started to go a little south. The tall man-child from the
~White House~ showed up and starting talking about the politics of ice cream flavors. The giant staffer says that mint is a
good flavor for the Veep to get because “it implies freshness,
trust, traditional values.” Now this made me sad because I
actually really love mint ice cream. In fact, I would even go
so far as to say that it’s the best of all flavors, and here was
this colossal emblem of Washington douche-baggery reducing it down to a snippy little trio of empty political keywords.
Mint deserves better.
BEST LIBRARY TO PLAY IN
Adam Sokol
The Geology Library. Unknown to most but cherished by the
few who call it home, this gem on the third floor of Kline Geology Lab is nothing more than an intellectual Toys “R” Us. The
Geology Library has lots of playspace and plenty of playthings,
including a bunch of big geologic maps for make-believe
treasure hunts or huge games of Risk, lots of big, skinny
atlases that are perfect for building forts in which “no parentz
r allowed”, and some tall, dark stacks for hide & seek or having
sex. Need a drink or two to expedite the fun? There’s usually
a bucket or two of chilled beers to be found somewhere in the
KGL lobby. Help yourself.
When the Department of Labor sends you a letter to let
you know your identity has been stolen. “I understand your
frustration,” the letter reads, “as I, too, have had my identity
stolen in this manner. I assure you we are taking all possible
steps to protect you from fraud.” You stare at the letter. It’s
been a few hours since lunch. Slowly, you tear it into exactly
seven pieces, which you crumple, put in your mouth, and
chew into an inky pulp. You’re surprised at how much you
like the taste—it’s the overtones of bureaucracy, maybe, or
perhaps that smoky accent of being let down by the U.S.
government. Dinner that night (Caesar salad, your favorite)
tastes like ashes. You eat your electricity bill, instead, but it
just doesn’t do it for you.
You stop eating food. You stop sleeping. You start waiting
for the mailman outside your neighbors’ homes, so he’ll mistakenly deliver you their mail, in the hope that they, too, will
receive a letter informing them of identity theft. No luck.
When the police break down your door and find the
database of stolen SSNs on your laptop, you have no regrets.
You just stuff some letters in your pocket for the ride to the
station.
BEST THING TO
YELL IN THE LIBRARY
Jeremy Hoffman
Trick question—no, it ain’t “PEEEEEENISSSSS.” It’s “INFERNO.” Like Pierson Inferno. Most lit event on campus year
after year.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 9
BEST LIBRARY FOR
WISTFUL LONGING
Charlie Bardey
I’m honestly a bit afraid to put this in writing, because as
of now, the Philosophy Reading room in SML is pretty much
exclusively the provenance of me, an old man who often
sleeps there, and an angry grad student who keeps me honest.
Nonetheless, I selflessly encourage you to check it out. It’s
on the sixth floor of Sterling, all the way down the hall, past
the American Studies Reading room, which, appropriately, is
filled with couches. The Philosophy Reading Room has a few
armchairs for philosophizing, three small tables, and several
artfully pensive lamps. The room overlooks Cross Campus, and
the window-adjacent armchair is the most perfect place maybe
in all of campus to sit and reflect on your Yale Experience™.
From your perch, you’ll notice how small everyone looks, running to and fro, and will wonder, gosh, what am I even doing
here anyway? Am I making the most of my time here? If you’re
feeling particularly wistful, and/or Beach House has just come
up on shuffle, you can look into the far distance at the lights of
the cars as they flow past New Haven on I-95, and think about
how each car is coming from and going to somewhere uniquely
meaningful. There’s a whole world out there, and there in the
Philosophy Reading Room, you can watch it drive by.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this sounds
like the worst and that you will never be making the trek down
to Greenwich’s SoulCycle. But this is where you are very, very
wrong. When we waltzed into the grapefruit-scented, blindingly
white studio at 6:01 for our 6:00 class, I knew we had arrived
at the only earthly resemblance of Heaven.
I sweated through my shirt entirely, but the out-of-the-saddle sprints and tap-backs were so beyond worth it. Namaste.
BEST WAY TO STAY WARM
David Rossler
The arepa cart makes burritos so toasty you need a napkin
to hold them or else you’ll holler. This chilly winter, get a few
(only $5.50!) and stick them in your big pockets to stay snug
as a bean until the Masters thaw and say it’s spring.
BEST PROFILE PICTURE
Lea Rice
The perfect profile picture is not a picture of me, and it’s
obviously not a picture of just you—the perfect profile picture
is a picture of both of us. We are candid. We are fun. The
identical twinkles in our eyes whisper, Yes, we do have matching pet turtles. On my right shoulder: a perfectly balanced,
cedar–scented votive from Yankee Candle, because I’m quirky
and rustic and cedary. On your face is a look of gratitude that
I am your best friend. The caption is a Pitbull lyric, because
we are ironic, but there’s a nuanced sincerity to “Big news,
Pitbull, Tom Cruise, Mumbai” that further underscores our
timeless bond. Will this picture get likes? It’ll break your personal record. People go crazy for celebrity friendships: Jay Z
and Bill Nye; Obama and Bear Grylls; my math professor and
his periodically mentioned cat, Devo—we’re all just vicariously
sharing in their joy. I’m no different, but I’m done sitting on the
sidelines. When the pic goes live, we will be people’s Squad,
Relationship, Smize and Career Goals. If you’re not ready for
the exposure, don’t bother coming to the photo shoot.
BEST LANGUAGE
Devon Geyelin
The language of dance is as old as time. If you want to learn
to speak my dialect, meet me at the back left corner of Woad’s
any coming Wednesday. I’ll be there, articulating.
BEST SALAD
Lily Sawyer-Kaplan
Yorkside’s Greek salad is the best Greek Salad in probably
all of Connecticut, maybe the U.S. I can’t vouch for the world,
because that includes Greece. But it’s just so good. The lettuce is crisp, the tomatoes burst with flavor even in winter, the
olives aren’t too salty, and their quality feta adds pizazz. Also
it comes with a roll that’s kind of like the Claire’s mini-loaf, but
better, because it’s crispy. MAKE SURE YOU ADD GRILLED
CHICKEN. Without the grilled chicken, which is also the best
grilled chicken in New Haven, the Greek salad is just a pretty
good salad, not worthy of a Herald 100 blurb.
BEST DARTY ATTIRE
Charlotee Weiner
BEST DEAN’S EXCUSE
A onesie with zipper pockets—and your go-getta attitude.
Jenny Allen
Break your vagina. Sure, you could pretend that Grandma
Mildred has taken a turn for the dead, but your cover will be
blown when she shows up at graduation. A broken vagina is a
foolproof alternative. Steps include:
1. Have your mother send you an enormous box of apples to
encourage “healthy eating in college.”
2. Attempt to carry said gigantic, view-obstructing box of
apples home and accidentally run vagina-first into a rail.
3. Call Yale Health frantically and have a receptionist prescribe “ice and Advil” and reassure you that light bruising is
“perfectly normal.”
4. Wake up the next morning with a swollen, purple mass
where you once had a human vagina.
5. Take a cab to Yale Health, where a “medical professional” will take one look at your vagina, burst into hysterical
laughter, and diagnose you with “JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH,
A FIVE STAR INJURY.“
6. Have word of your legendary vagina spread, encouraging random Yale Health staff to crowd into you exam room to
marvel at the damage. Reactions will range from abject horror
to maniacal laughter.
7. Spend three days in the hospital being treated by the
head of OB-GYN at Yale-New Haven for a “vulvar hematoma.”
8. Obtain a Dean’s Excuse.
Speaking from personal experience, this works 100% of the
time.
BEST WAY TO WIN
OVER YOUR T.A.
Emma Chanen
TAs’ best kept secret is that they desperately want to be
friends with undergraduates. It doesn’t take much to woo
them. Start by bringing food to section. Rent out your college
kitchen and bake cookies. Don’t tell your section you baked
them, though. They’ll think you’re brown-nosing, and winning
your TA doesn’t have to mean losing your classmates. Say that
your mom sent them in the mail and there are too many for you
to eat by yourself. You’ll look healthy and generous, and your
TA will love you. Next, take note of the things your TA responds
well to in class. Does she nod in agreement when someone
mentions Freud? Or does he flinch when someone “pushes
back on that?” Note likes and dislikes and make them yours.
The final step is just popping the question. Pack up very slowly
one day, so you make sure all of your classmates are gone. Let
Steve have his obsequious exchange first. Once everyone is
gone, grab your things and approach slowly. Maintain eye contact and ask, “May I come discuss this with you at your office
hours?” Boom. You’ve won.
BEST STATUE
Caleb Moran
BEST BUY
John Harvard a.k.a. The Statue of the Three Lies, duh.
Kohler Bruno
Best Buy
Dec. 11, 2015 – 11
BEST CONDIMENT
BEST WAY TO GET OUT OF
SECTION EARLY
Claire Goldsmith
A few weeks ago, a boy in my Cold War section was talking
about the relaxation of tensions between the United States and
the USSR. He started off strong, but things quickly went south.
“When the United States entered into de-ten-tay…”
De-ten-tay? Come on. That’s not even the logical mispronunciation. I was flabbergasted. The worst part, though, was
that no one batted an eye. The speaker was completely unperturbed and continued along his meandering path. My TF didn’t
even passive-aggressively use the word “détente” (pronounced
correctly) in her next comment, as I would have done. Apparently, anything goes in section these days.
So, here’s the best way to get out early. Just stand up and
walk out. Why not? Confidence can get you anywhere. I’ll bet
no one says anything. And if they do, tell ’em His Royal Highness John Gaddis said it was okay—or pronounce your excuse
so oddly that no one dares to question you. Much like détente,
there’s no way this could go wrong.
BEST USE OF A DURFEE’S
SWIPE
Emma Chanen
Every Wednesday afternoon, I head to Durfee’s to use my
lunch swipe. By now, I should have a routine, an order that
I like and stick with. I still find myself, though, squeezing
through the crowded single aisle to look at all of my options
and decide what I want for lunch. I stare at the board and consider hot food options. I pick up and put down that sandwich
with the balsamic onions. I peruse the sushi selection, though
I still don’t know if I trust Durfee’s raw fish. I even find myself
considering the bright green kale pesto pasta even though I
am not a vegan and scorn kale. Sometimes I consider skipping
“lunch” altogether and buying eight dollars’ worth of candy
bars but decide I can’t afford the inevitable sugar crash. After
my lazy stroll through the tiny many options, I stand in line
with everyone else and order my chicken tenders. While I go
with ranch, I won’t presume to know the best sauce choice. I
can say with some certainty, though, that chicken tenders are
the way to go. I know. I’ve thought about it once a week since
the beginning of the semester, and every time, I come back to
chicken.
Adam Sokol
All who were forced to down a salsa-peanut butter tort on
FOOT know of the Gastronomic Golden Rule: delicious + delicious = delicious. To be honest, I was never too trusting of this
sacred aphorism until one recent fateful day more than two
years after I emerged, delusional and constipated, from my
FOOT adventure. Little did I know that the Tempesto sandwich
I ordered from Book Trader would challenge what I thought to
be the most fundamental laws of condimentology. I swallowed
my first bite and noticed that, instead of balsamic vinegar,
there was some other brown, chutney-resembling condiment
on my sandwhich that tasted sweet and fruity. It seemed to
work perfectly with the tomato, basil, and mozzarella, and I
was in love. My friend, however, was not. As I finished up my
sandwich, my friend took his back to the Book Trader counter
and asked what the new sauce was that they were using on the
Tempesto instead of balsamic vinegar. After a bit of confusion,
the tale of a classic mix-up emerged: our Tempestos had been
lathered with pumpkin spice latte syrup that was accidentally
labeled as balsamic—and, from what it sounded like, so had
all the of the Tempestos that Book Trader had served that
day. As the latte syrup sat digesting in my stomach, I knew it
would be cowardly to retract my love of the bold condiment.
Next time you’re at Book Trader, try ordering a “Tempesto,
basic-white-girl style” and behold the truth of the Gastronomic
Golden Rule.
BEST PICKUP LINE
Lara Sokoloff
BEST HIDE-AND-SEEK
SPOT
What is even a “pick-up” line? According to urbandictionary.
com, all non-milllennial’s guide to millennial speak, a “pickup
line” is defined as “a line you use to get a woman.” Now as a
woman, assigned to write “Best pick-up line,” this left me 1.
Feeling marginalized and suppressed by our favorite patriarchy,
and 2. Wondering if I should write about the “best” pick up
line I would like to receive or the “best” I would give. When I
think harder about 2, there is truly only one way to effectively
usurp and triumph over the inherent gendering of a ~pick up
line~, in other words, the line I would both give and receive.
Imagine you’re at Toads, it’s pretty grimy, but a new Justin
Bieber banger is playing, and you are feeling it in every bone.
Nothing can stop you, your Bieber temp is through the roof because you’ve not only caught the fever but you can feel it living
and thriving inside of you. Then suddenly, someone whispers in
your ear “Gender is a construct.” This person has immediately
revealed they 1. Are probably a feminist 2. Have probably taken
U.S. Lesbian and Gay History (definitely a positive) 3. Are likely
interested in you 4. Like your dance moves. 5. Also like Woads.
Holy smokes! Obviously we haven’t completely resolved the
unfortunate power dynamic that is inevitably bred from such
an interaction, but dropping “Gender is a construct” at least
begins to even the playing field. Highly recommend.
BEST BEN STILLER MOVIE
BEST MUSIC VIDEO
Anna Meixler
Eve Sneider
The talk on the town is that Ben Stiller is killing it. If his
Wikipedia filmography is any indicator Noah Baumbach has
him on speed dial. I wouldn’t know this because I don’t watch
sequel films without numbers in the title (see: Taken 3, 2 Fast
2 Furious, Shrek 2), but rumor has it “Night at the Museum:
Secret of the Tomb” was really something special. Even so,
for me nothing will compare to Benny in his early days. If you
haven’t seen Working Tra$h, the 1990 TV movie, you have no
idea what you’re missing. I’m serious. Ben Stiller and George
Carlin play janitors on Wall Street who come up with an elaborate moneymaking scheme and it’s fucking fantastic. Zoolander
and Tropic Thunder have nothing on this comedic tour-de-force.
Forget what you know about TV movies or films with dollar
signs in the title and promise me you’ll watch it. You won’t be
disappointed.This is why a finance or consulting information
session is the best place to find love at Yale. Every guy looks
good in a suit and girls get creative with some tasteful cleavage. I looked like a goddamn harlot at the Goldman Sachs info
session. It’s a date paid for by Fortune 500 companies: you’re
encouraged to mix over nice food you might not be willing to
shell out for under other circumstances. “But, Andrea,” you
whine as you furiously jack off for the sixth time today because
you still haven’t found a significant other. “Isn’t everyone at
those things a giant douchebag?”
Not really. At the very least you’ll be guaranteed financial
stability and someone respectable enough to bring home to
your parents.
BEST PLACE TO GO TO
ESCAPE ELM CITY
Released in 2003, Missy Elliot’s “Pass that Dutch” is still
the best music video I’ve seen, and I watch a lot of VH1. The
majority of the video involves Missy and her friends dancing in black leather shorts. These women seriously challenge
the image you may have in your mind when you conjure hot
women wearing tight leather in music videos, as I often do.
They dance as children of the corn wreaking havoc under a
UFO, shaking and shuddering as uncanny cornfield scarecrows.
They bump tunes in a Hummer en route to what I imagine will
be a legendary night out. When a man sets off her car alarm,
one of Missy’s friends pulls him into the vehicle by his collar and literally throws his bloody bones out the window when
she finishes devouring his body. Missy shows a softer side
too, tearfully accepting a beauty pageant tiara as a crowd of
Barbies cheers her on. She does parody well, later rapping atop
the Empire State Building in a feminized King Kong. Missy’s
larger-than-life persona, wicked dance moves, rapid lyrics, and
commanding friends permeate the video, but she also pays
homage to fallen icons like Aaliyah, Left Eye, Tupac, and Biggie. Missy pays it forward, too—the song features cameos from
Free, former 106 & Park host and Lil’ Brianna, Missy’s then
protégé. The song was used in “Mean Girls,” and graced nearly
every high school CD I burned. The video has everything, from
Missy at work to her hard at play, from Michael Jackson to a
random troupe of child dancers. The only thing inexplicably
absent from this dream sequence is the dutch itself. Some fan
conspiracies believe the missing joint is a reference to Bushera weed politics. Regardless, the video leaves you itching to
pass Missy a blunt and beg her to let you hang. Missy raps “I
am the bomb from New York to Milan / And I can write a song
sicker than Jeffrey Dahm.” The song is sick; the video may
be even sicker; please do not Google “Jeffrey Dahm”—he did
some creepy shit.
BEST LIGHT FIXTURE
ON CAMPUS
Leah Motzkin
Lily Sawyer-Kaplan
Ever feel like you need to escape New Haven? Why the heck
would you want to do that? But if you do want to escape New
Haven, you should try Escape New Haven! As visitor Kelly P.
says on the website, “Quite possibly the coolest experience
ever.”
The YUAG American Arts offices on 215 Park Street have
unreal lighting. It must be the fixture that softens the regular
old Yale light bulbs and transforms the effect into the glow
reminiscent of the Hudson River School. I’ll include directions,
because the building isn’t technically on Park. To get there,
turn on York Street right next to Willoughby’s and head down
the driveway past the YDN building (if you’re venturing over at
night, pretend you’re a freshman “contributing reporter” and
pop in for free food). Then pass GYPCY, avoid eye contact with
your History TA from a year ago who gave you a lower grade on
a paper rewrite, and under an archway. It’s the first building
on the left. Head straight to the back, and bust out Snapchat,
because the lighting is flattering like no other.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 13
BEST YALE REFERENCE IN
POP CULTURE
Charlie Bardey
In all honesty, it’s a bit hard to find a palatable Yale in pop
culture. Most portrayals highlight and mythologize the things
that we ourselves may be drawn to, but shouldn’t be: the privilege, the whiteness, the richness, the old-world elitism—the Yale
we all scorn but are also deeply attracted to, evidenced by our
presence here. Pop Culture Yale is all Skull and Bones and the
Whiffenpoofs. The stakes on choosing a favorite Yale pop culture
reference are high, then, as it is tantamount to choosing your
posture vis à vis Yale, the institution we are beholden to. If you’re
feeling particularly alt and over it, you might choose Montgomery
Burns, the exorbitantly wealthy power plant magnate on The
Simpsons, who can be seen in many episodes wearing that iconic cream-colored “Y” sweater and waving a Yale pennant. This
portrayal at least does not valorize Yale, but rightfully mocks it.
This may be too cold an answer, though, and if that’s the case,
go with the classic Gilmore Girls Yale, which, based on the two
episodes I’ve seen, seems full of warm-hearted, well-intentioned
people. That’s the Yale I’d like to know!
BEST FONT
Caleb Moran
BEST YUAG WALL TEXT FOR
MY TOMBSTONE AND/OR
TINDER BIO
Anna Meixler
“Undoubtedly very important”
“Full figured”
“Christ’s sarcophagus”
“Damaged but imposing”
“Legend, but not the Gospels”
“May not always have been fully understood”
“Born in the Duchy of Lorraine (present northeastern
France) ”
“Probably never traveled to Rome”
“Elder statesman”
“Playful cat”
“Had little interaction”
“Seems to be realistic”
“Yale-educated”
“Recalls leathers”
“Interacts with objects”
“Everyday status”
“Infantile associations”
“Offering to Osiris”
“Wearing a kilt, apron, and wig”
“Finished mightily”
Trick question, it’s a tie between Comic Sans and Chalkduster.
BEST PIECE OF ART
IN THE YUAG
BEST QUICK FOOD
David Rossler
Oh gosh I love Pitaziki. The shwarma’s always fresh and the
portions are ample af. There’s never been a line, and I’d be
worried about blowing up my favorite spot, except that I know
the lime green walls and ceiling will keep the faint of heart at
bay.
Jenny Allen
Joe Tisch. Created by the king of readymades, Marcel Duchamp, in 2015, “A Student—Joe Tisch” has been signed with
the name R. Mutt. Readymades are ordinary objects that the
artist selects and modifies. It does not come as a surprise to
me that Duchamp would select Joe Tisch, but just how he has
altered him is yet to be revealed.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 15
Dec. 11, 2015 – 17
yale schola cantorum
Simon Carrington, conductor
mu s i c o f b uxt e h u d e a n d m o r e
call for entries
Adrian Van Sinderen
Book Collecting Prizes
Open to seniors and sophomores
Deadline: 5 pm, friday, february 5, 2016
$1000 senior prize · $700 sophomore prize
Visit yale.edu/printer/vansinderen for details.
BEST STREET ART
BEST LIVE SNAPSTORY
Eve Sneider
I liked it when Snapchat kept things simple. Before “Sunday
Brunch.” Before “Farm Life: Vine to Wine.” Before “Beach
Bums” episodes one, two, and three. Yes, I long for days of
yore, when our campus story was a compilation of inanities and
absurdities this side of Chapel Street. I don’t give a flying fuck
which Ivy Leaguers give the best haircuts or throw the best
rhymes or can do the most pushups with more than three girls
sitting on their backs (which, by the way, seems like a terrible
idea). It’s not even about good old Ivy rivalry for me. Cornell’s
clock tower looks like an eight-year-old drew it. Dartmouth has
great sunsets because, if you live 90 minutes from the North
Pole, that’s about all you get. Whatever. I don’t need a snap
story to tell me that. What do I need a snap story to tell me,
you ask? The whereabouts of Sasha Pup. What percentage of
the freshman class is at 12-pack. How many surprise birthday
parties I didn’t get invited to. The Yale Campus Story was there
for all.
R.I.P. Yale Campus Story 2015-2015
BEST CELEBRITY
SNAPCHAT
Anna Meixler
Mainly just anything that avoids penis caricature. Misleading
for those who would benefit from an accurate, perhaps threedimensional diorama (CCEs? Anyone?), such graffiti adds nothing to public discourse. Go hyperrealist or go home, as they
say. Anything that employs tags that reference life, love, laughter, your sorority, your gang. Cliché just means universality,
which speaks to the public psyche. Only the most mainstream
references—not even rogue #dieantwoord or #reikawakubo
tags avail. And no personal plugs, like #sellingmyadidassuperstars (size 7, pristine condition. Email [email protected] if
interested). Anything that commemorates anyone with a somewhat identifiable rendering. For example, there were many odes
to dead dogs in the neighborhood where I lived in this summer.
As far as I know, there are zero murals dedicated to Aaliyah in
New Haven, a massive oversight. Sincerity is always appreciated. Anything anti-authority. See Katsu, Eine, or Os Hemeos
for some meta-graffiti. Visual puns, liberal sentiments, sticking
it to the man, and fucking the system are great—so long as
political commentary is socially conscious, executed incisively,
and resists mass commercialization (will not be screened onto
tote bags). See: Banksy.I’ll let you try to make your own way
there. That’s part of the fun. But once you get there, you’ll see
mostly shelves and shelves of forbidding tomes that you’d never
open. But among the hardcover case reporters—directly behind
the conference table you definitely wanna snag if possible—
is one of the best things you’ll ever find at Yale: a huge-ass
fishtank. The tropical fish add just enough novelty to spice the
place up without distracting you from complicated plot twists.
(Bonus: the setup makes the tank a great Snapchat backdrop.)
But that’s not even the best part of the situation! For some
reason that I don’t seem to understand but don’t mind, the
area is officially called the “Upper East Side.” If it’s good
enough for Gossip Girl, we can for sure deal. As GG herself
said—in a totally different context—“Careful, Bass. Once
you’re a big fish there are a lot more sharks in this pond.”
Leave Bass for social hour. When we want to watch some serious TV, there’s nowhere better than the Upper
East Side.
Lily Rivkin
I like big butts and I cannot lie. I also like loud rap, aggressive driving, and large-scale shenanigans involving Italian
Greyhounds and Tyga. So, if you’re like me, then you’re probably already following my girl Kylizzlemynizzl aka King Kylie
aka Miss Kylie Jenner on Snapchat. For those of you who aren’t
familiar with her account, you’re about to get booty bumped
out of this world. Following her is so much more than seeing
her selfies and failed attempts at cooking. You get to ask questions like “What happened to the third Greyhound?”, “How can
Kylie always drive while snapchatting and dancing?”, and “Is
the camera permanently on speed mode?” (Pro tip: no, that’s
just her) Following her account is also a 10.2 for one deal since
the Kardashian clan, model friends, and Tyga’s arms are often
featured.
BEST FOOD TO STEAL
FROM THE DINING HALL
Emma Chanen
Yale Dining does a fantastic job of making sure the hungry
students of Yale get fed, but what happens when the dining
hours just aren’t cutting it? We steal food. It’s easier to take
an ice cream cone out of the d-hall than it is to carry out a
napkin full of soup, but the best way to choose which foods to
smuggle out of the building are to balance the ease of the heist
with the quality of the food. Sure, you could probably get away
with sneaking a couple green beans in your pencil case, but are
you really going to want eat those droopy, mechanical pencil
led covered beans later? No, probably not. Stick to cookies
in pockets, apples in backpacks, and raviolis in water bottles.
Maybe by the end of senior year, someone will have pulled off
the waffle in the laptop sleeve. Happy hunting, dining thieves.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 19
BEST OFF CAMPUS EATS
Alex Kronman
Let me guess. You think you know a thing or two about New
Haven eats. You think you’ve been to all the classic spots.
You’ve had a breakfast sandwich from Gheav, a slice from Yorkside—maybe you’ve even had a fancy meal or two at Barcelona
with your dad. Well let me tell you something, little guy. You
don’t know the first thing about New Haven eats. I was born in
these streets. I was bred in these streets, buddy. I’ve suckled
off of the teat of this city for twenty years. So listen here. If
you think you’ve learned a thing or two about New Haven eats,
think about this: I went to the school of hard knocks for New
Haven eats. Now I’m a professor there. And I’m tenured. And
I’m a highly respected member of the faculty.
On that note, I’d also like to add that Junzi Kitchen is pretty
solid. It’s like an Asian Chipotle, which you probably have never
heard of, because you don’t know the first thing about New
Haven eats.
BEST CAMPUS JOB
Sarah Holder
My campus job’s official title is Materials Management
Team Leader at the Yale Office of Sustainability. My official
job description is to examine college’s trash and recycling bins
in order to see how effectively they’re recycling and how much
they’re throwing out and analyze waste streams blablabla.
Whatever—basically, it just means I get to go through people’s
trash and find out weird shit about them.
In my three semesters of being paid to embrace my snoopy
tendencies, I have found: a large pink vibrator, “mind enhancement” drugs, an entire Yale Football 2014-2015 playbook
(which I could have sold to Harvard or something), a hook-up
list with real names I recognized and also “Guy From Toads
Wearing Beanie” (which I could have used as blackmail if I
was a sociopath), entire un-eaten boxes of Valentine’s Day
chocolate (which I could have re-gifted if I was a sociopath),
awkwardly impersonal birthday cards (written by sociopaths),
a water bottle filled with chewing tobacco spit. Also used condoms, and tampons!
If that’s not enough of a pitch, I also sometimes get to
stand on Cross Campus, wear a costume made out of plastic
bags and call myself the Bag Monster, which is kind of weird
but I like it. Apply 2day.
BEST TOILET TO USE
FOR SWIRLIES
Chris Melamed
The best spot for a good wet swirly is the downstairs bathrooms in Bass, obviously! If you want to give a swirly, you want
people to know some nerd is getting swirled, so you’ve got to
keep it central. The next big concern is getting caught: no one
wants to get caught. With all those decoy stalls around no one
will know it was you until the swirly is long over. Now dump the
weakest BD freshman back on cross campus (dispose of your
nerd) and get back to endorsing your bros’ LinkedIns in Starr.
BEST DATE SPOT FOR
LAZY PEOPLE
Sophie Haigney
Someone recently asked a friend of mine, “Would you rather
go see the multi-story parking lot or watch a movie?” Now, like
my unknowing friend, you might think the movie is a better
choice. You are wrong. The multi-level parking lot on College
Street is better than Netflix. Here is why.
At first, when you arrive, you think, it’s only a parking lot.
You’ve been in parking lots before, and if you haven’t then this
is already a sick date. There are many cars parked next to each
other, and a lot of concrete, and it’s architecturally interesting
because it just kind of slopes upward on the various levels,
so if you decide to walk, which you should, it’s just kind of a
gradual climb to the top.
The top. When you arrive, it appears to be a plateau of concrete, a kind of weird futuristic tundra. And yet, as you move
towards the edge, you will notice the view. You and your date
can marvel at Harkness tower, at the quaint redbrick roofs, at
the YUAG towering. You are on top of the world. The air is clear
and you are free. You can look over at your date, tentatively,
considering kissing him and her. Then your date might point
and say, “But isn’t that West Rock over there?”
BEST WAY TO START AN
EMAIL SUBJECT LINE
Chris Melamed
“In defense of good….”
ex: In defense of good Friday, in defense of Good Wood™,
in defense of Good Charlotte’s third studio album, in defense of
good old Mother’s Brisket
BEST EXTRACURRICULAR
ACTIVITY
Patrick Doolittle
Yale Twitter. Ask yourself: What makes something an extracurricular, really? How would you define it? An activity that
receives UOC funding? An activity to which students dedicate
inordinate time? An activity that’s curricular, with a lil’ something extra?
For me, “tweeting” is all the above. It surpasses these
requirements—an extra- extra- curricular haha! It’s something
I care about. It’s something I’m doing constantly. It’s recently
made me “really re-evaluate who I have time for, Marybeth, I’m
sorry.” I complain about it, even though I crave the sense of
belonging it provides. And I’m shuffling down High Street right
this moment, out of breath, running late to recruitment for it.
BEST DATE SPOT FOR NON
LAZY PEOPLE
Devon Geyelin
Yale Health STI Testing Party. Do you think I’m making
a weird joke? Joke’s on you! I didn’t go to the first one, on
November 3, but I really can’t wait to ask someone to the next
one (date TBD?). I’m not going to tell you which number date
this is a good one for—the first, the third, the you just got married—because positive sexuality and you make your choices,
etc., but I see this as kind of an amazing opportunity. Get
everything out in the air before the air has to be cleared, no?
You and this person you maybe want to make out with can go
enjoy free snacks, free nonalcoholic drinks, and free music in
an event that, if history repeats itself, will be co-hosted by than
no less than a few Greek organizations.
But even better, it’s a great place to get yourself informed
and to get you and your partner(s) talking about healthy sex in
a healthy environment. Personally, I can think of nothing more
romantic than the intimacy that comes with being able to talk
about sex, from all of its perks to all of its potential consequences. And this way there’s no need to email anyone fact
sheets about anything! Because that’s what people do otherwise, right? Haha.
What’s more, it’s a veritable community. A lineage. A secret
society in the Cloud, a virtual fraternity at the club. An aesthetic pioneered by @clipka_ ’14, a mantle taken up by @atvillena
‘15 and @mdnsk ’15—it currently features @abermz. ’16 and
even @chunkbardey ’17, who got 500 favorites this week on a
tweet about true love being “bullshit.” I’m screeching.
Admittedly, Yale Twitter doesn’t receive UOC funding, but
it both could and should. We’ll take the 35 dollars UOC can
reasonably offer us, thanks UOC. And we’ll follow back.
So you might think it makes no sense at all that we’re
amped for the imminent arrival of America’s millionth Pinkberry
in our very own New Haven, in the former space of some independent boutique that we’ve already forgotten. Theoretically,
we’re against it. But in actuality? Pinkberry holds the trump
card: it offers delivery. New Haven does not have enough food
service insititutions willing to bring me treats in the comfort of
my own home; by offering to make Pinkberry happen where the
rest of our lives happen, the froyo behemoth has won our business—if not our hearts. BEST OFF-CAMPUS
BATHROOM
Kohler Bruno
The Skull and Bones pool
BEST FOOD TRUCK
Rachel Paul
BEST SEAT
Kohler Bruno
Ay Arepa. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Don’t shoot the
messenger, please.
The lifeguard chair at the Skull and Bones pool.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 21
BEST PLACE TO TELL YOUR
SUITEMATES TO POOP
Yi-Ling Liu
“Bye guys, I’m going to Byers.”
That is my suite’s code for: I’m going for a poop. It is the
reason why we have stayed such close friends, and have had
minimal conflict over the last three years of suitematehood.
It is hard to keep up healthy, amicable relations with your
suitemates, and one surefire way to taint the friendship is to
poop in the suite bathroom. The smell lingers, they resent you,
you resent them for resenting you, and then the whole suite
dynamic implodes on itself. The question then is — where to
go instead?
Fourth floor, Byers Hall, Silliman College. Conveniently
located (everybody knows that Silli is the warm center of the
world) and yet also sufficiently isolated from the world (the Silliman fellows live on the fourth floor but who cares about them
really) to allow for maximum comfort. It’s always spanking
clean, and there’s a large window with a pretty view (College
Street, Woolsey Hall, the works.)
Honestly, there’s no place like it. Studying in Bass and suddenly need a quiet spot to do your thing? Go to Byers. Partying
it up at a house on Lynwood, and realize in the middle of the
night, that you’ve consumed an excess of Rumbamba arepas
for dinner? Go to Byers. At Union Station with plenty of time
to kill before your train arrives and want to finish your business
before you head out? Hop on the shuttle, take an Uber, head
straight on over. Byers beckons.
BEST WAY TO GRAB
ATTENTION ON
PANLIST EMAILS
Carly Lovejoy
State your deadlines//pitches//events in a series of haikus in
all caps, neon green bold font à la:
IT IS BUSY TIME
NO ANNOUNCEMENT HERE PLEASES
*SHEDS A SINGLE TEAR*
U RESPOND W VIM
TO ANY LENGTHY PITCHES
AND I WILL HUG U
WHO AM I TO PLEA
BUT A PANLIST CREATOR
WHO AM I TO BEEE
BEST RINGBACK TONE
Chris Melamed
Say what you will, but ringback tones are BACK. I don’t
want you fools getting left behind so let me break it down for
you. Odds are you haven’t thought about ringback tones in
years, also odds are you’re a virgin. Who knows, maybe you’ll
get a phone interview and Jorge Luis Mckinsey himself will be
like “Jack Berney has a ringback tone? I like this guy already!”
all before you even talk to him about your love for companies
and money and whatever! Boom. You may have lost sight of
your dreams, but at least you’ve got a tight ringback tone.
BEST TIME TO CRY
Sarah Holder
The best time to cry is literally whenever. you. feel like it.
I hate those people who are like “I never cry. The last time I
cried I was 3 months old probably and then I never cried again
because I’m really fundamentally a thinker not a feeler and I’m
incredibly emotionally stable. So yeah, I guess I’d say I wish I
could cry, but I can’t. Why, when’s the last time you cried?”
Once I cried on the 4:35 train to Grand Central Station. In a
coffee shop called Muffin while eating a scone. I’ve cried at the
ending of Wall-E (duh); while feeding my turtle; in an Uber to
Target. When I realized I had to climb five flights of stairs this
year to poop. When little pieces of waffle won’t come out of the
waffle maker. When I was named Patient of the Month by my
orthodontist.
If you want the biggest audience for your meltdown, cry at
2:15 p.m. on Cross Campus as Intro Micro lets out. (Ha ha so
Pareto Efficient!) Or cry at a standing desk in Bass Café. Sob
solo while using the one outlet in Book Trader. Let your tears
turn the Haas rug red.
Cry at Hammer Time. At lunch time, alone, reading the New
York Times. While sprinkling thyme onto bland soup. During
a time-out. After sneaking into the back row just in time for a
screening of the film adaptation of “A Wrinkle in Time.”
Schedule it into your g-cal: Much like wearing a striped
sweater, the best time to cry is all the time.
BEST PDA
BEST AUTHOR TO READ IF
YOU HAVE A PENIS
Leah Motzkin
Seniors with freshmen, at sporting events.
Sophie Haigney
A lot of people who have penises only like books by people
who also have penises, generally about other people who have
penises and what they like to do with their penises. There is
a guaranteed higher number of books by penis-possessingauthors on syllabi at Yale, because for many years a penis was
commonly thought to be a prerequisite to writing a book, until
people realized that it is not a penis you need but a pen. A
number of people and organizations have failed to learn this
lesson, including Esquire Magazine, which published a list
called “The 80 Best Books Every Man Should Read,” amongst
other groundbreaking articles like “Do You Have an Attractive
Penis?” and “15,000 Penis Measurements Later, We Have An
Average Size.” Guess what? 79 of the 80 books on that list are
written by people with penises.
Now, I do not have a penis. I have read and enjoyed many
books by authors who do. If I hadn’t wanted to, and chose to
consciously object to all literature produced by people with penises, I couldn’t have been an English major, because I would
have failed English 125 and 126. Chaucer, Spenser, Shakespeare, Donne. Milton, Pope, Wordsworth, Eliot. Yep, they’ve all
got penises. This is fine, because I don’t usually mind reading
things by people who have penises, but it is also quite possibly
true that a Yale English major who had a penis could avoid
books by non-penis-possessing individuals for four years.
So yes, the best author to read if you have a penis is an
author who doesn’t have a penis. Try it.
BEST SMELL
Patrick Doolittle
Dank tobacco. You DON’T KNOW what you GOT till it’s
GONE! The YCC recently partnered with the administration of
this here institution to ban tobacco on campus. And I don’t
know when the ban goes into effect, or how it’s to be feasibly
enforced, but I DO know that the BEST SMELL of 2015 is
DANK Tobacco—if only because it won’t be the best smell of
2016 or 2017, or any future year until the 21st amendment
comes thruuu for Yale’s Europeans and ends this unjust prohibition.
NO DANKS for this policy, YCC. I wrote some protest haikus
about this recently which I will now reference: What will people
do in the weird alcoves leading into Bass? Very concerning. If
you’re from New York City, and you probably are, what smell
will remind you of home? Your Dining Hall’s “Homemade”
Brownies? Yeah right, guy! Whenever I see that I’m like, skrrrrt,
“WHOSE home?”
Because I certainly don’t live in Yale Dining’s centrally
located dessert-making and distribution facility, and I don’t
know anybody who does. As a matter of fact, I only ever swing
by there to smell cigarette smoke pouring out the break room!
Because admit it, National Ad Council: tobacco smells good.
And we only have so much time.
BEST BUTTERY ORDER
Jordan Coley
December. It’s late. The trek from Bass has never felt so
cold. I’m approaching High and Elm. I nod at the security
guard. He doesn’t see me. I get closer. He nods at me, thinking he is the one initiating this head-nod exchange. I panic. I
don’t reciprocate. Disaster.
I cross the street toward Saybrook. I reach the gate. It’s a
push. I pull. No relief.
I cast a repentant glance back at the security guard. Our
eyes meet. His stare is cold, his heart empty.
I enter Saybrook and stumble down the stairs of entryway K.
I can smell it.
BEST CELEBRITY TO
PICK A FIGHT WITH
Austin Bryniarski
Yale University Vice President and Secretary Kimberly GoffCrews, and/or The Chew’s Carla Hall of Top Chef Fame. I’ve a
feeling those fights would be similar.
I arrive. Home. Defeated. Hungry.
I place my $1.75 on the counter. Enough for salvation.
Enough for Chicken Cheese Fries.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 23
BEST INSTAGRAM CAPTION
Kohler Bruno
I guess autumn in New England isn’t so bad after all.
BEST METRO NORTH STOP
FROM WHICH TO TINDER
Calvin Harrison
BEST PLACE TO BE SEEN
Lily Rivkin
The best place to be seen is also quite frankly, the worst place
to be seen: on the Toads dance floor. We’ve all been there before:
finished that paper early, gotten a little too excited at penny drinks
and got jiggy with it on the dance floor. Some people slink around
Thursday morning hoping no one noticed them shouting the lyrics
to “Shake It Off” a little too hard, but my advice is to embrace it.
You have to have great moves to be noticed in the Toads mosh-pit,
and the competition gets fiercer and fiercer each year. I’ve seen
Yalies dump a drinks on their heads like Flashdance, unskillfully
break dance when there just wasn’t room, and even sneak up to DJ
Action’s booth only to get escorted out by security. This takes skill.
Getting spotted on the dance floor is a trophy no one wants, but
one we will all hold at some point in our Yale career.
Another semester has ended, and you are sitting on the
train to New York dreading delivering the news to your family: still single. But wait—don’t wallow! What better way to
spend your 119 minutes (because let’s be real, you definitely
missed the Express waiting in line for your Maison Mathis egg
sandwich) than by finding a boyfriend from the comfort of your
weird pleather train seat?
Lest desperation get the best of you, it’s important
to wait for the perfect time. New Haven? For every cute grad
student you’ll get a Lesbian and Gay History section asshole,
so let’s not. Stamford? Way too many Wall Street commuters
and we all know #dadbod is over. Stratford? Let’s be honest,
no one knows what this place even is but it sounds weirdly
reminiscent of the English countryside and no one wants to
match with someone with bad teeth.
The answer? Cos Cob. Your 30 mile radius (no judgment) will give you access to all the TFILFs (trust funders I’d
like to fuck) from Westchester and Greenwich, and even let
you match with some artist types from Columbia and upper
Manhattan. It’s a veritable cornucopia of names and pictures to
supply to your senile aunt after one too many glasses of wine.
Plus I’m sure there’s a pick up line just begging to be made
from the name.
BEST DANCE MOVE
Devon Geyelin
BEST EMOJI
Charlotte Weiner
:’)
For the sense of deep uncertainty it puts in whoever you’re texting. Does this mean that I’m crying from happiness? Putting on
a brave smile through angry tears? Am someone who has avenged
a murder and now sports a single filled-in teardrop tattoo? There’s
truly no way of knowing.
Isolate yourself. Maybe there’s a wall? Just you and the wall,
if that. Mainly you and the floor. Get closer to the floor, without
touching the floor. Any part of you. Forehead to the floor (don’t
touch it!). Ass to the floor (but a little bit above!). Hands to
the floor (just wave them near there!). You can close your eyes,
once you figure out where the floor is. Don’t get closer. Don’t
get much further. Sway? Bop. You’re on your own. With the
floor. Allow people to congregate. They can’t help it.
BEST RESUME ITEMS
Austin Bryniarski
Call me Abraham LinkedIn, because I’ve got all your CV
secrets. Are you applying for a job? Consider getting a resume.
Are you thinking about getting a job immediately after graduation? Consider adding “social media” to your lil’ list of skills.
It’s the “Free Space” of your resume — it should go without
saying that, as a 20-something year old born at some point
after 1990, you are proficient in filtering photos and posting
statuses and swiping right. It’s a little deceptive, but whatever
— no one knows that I actually transferred to Yale the second
semester of my freshman year from UCLA, because that isn’t
on my resi. But putting “social media” on your one-pager of
experiences, education, and skills really makes you stand out
to the 60 year old man who thinks “Facebook” is a sex position
from his days at Yale (when it was only doods!).
BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
Paul Buckley
Have you ever wanted to exercise and also been sad? Try
crying.
In an accurate scientific study released earlier this year
Men’s Health discovered that crying actually burns more calories than going for a short walk or staring at a treadmill.
But you don’t need to listen to Men’s Health. Next time
you find yourself teary-eyed just use this handy formula to find
out just how much of a workout you’re really getting: Calories
Burned (in joules) = Number of Tears x Time Spent Crying (in
minutes) x Intensity of Emotions Felt (in Adele songs) / Unhealthiness of Junk Food You’re Eating Because You’re Sad.
Writhing, shuddering and wandering aimlessly are all considered forms of cardio by uncertified personal trainers.
Here’s the real bonus: tears are zero-calorie and are salty
(salt is maybe an electrolyte?), so if you’re careful you can collect your tears in a small vial and drink them to stay hydrated.
BEST DRUNK FOOD PLACE
Sarah Holder
BEST WAY TO GET
YOUR VITAMINS
Rachel Lackner
There’s a lot of options for this one. Recently I’ve become
a big fan of Junzi late night. And G-Heav has stopped wage
thieving, apparently, so sometimes I like buying teeny tortellinis
from the hot bar. And freshman year, the Wenzel delivery guy
told me I was beautiful which was, like, really nice of him. But
patronizing all these food establishments requires patience,
credits cards, a level of public decency, et cetera. My favorite
drunk food spot requires none of these things.
Global Grounds is a literal place of worship dedicated to
food that costs zero dollars. Stacy’s Chips, Pirate’s Booty,
hot chocolate, oatmeal cookie crumbs, baby carrots (for the
weak)—Global Grounds lays them all out on holy platters in
Dwight Hall until 2 a.m., Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes they serve Cheetos and hummus, which is honestly kind
of crazy but it’s free.
As you stumble down the aisle reaching blindly for the saltiest food item you can get your hands on, knocking down stacks
of Jenga that cross your path, you may attract a few derisive
stares. But the ground spinning below you could not be more
Global, and the Booty could not taste better.
Oh shit. I forgot we were supposed to be doing that still.
Uhhh…kale?
BEST DESSERT
David Rossler
A heaping cup of Froyo World with no toppings but brownies
and also no froyo.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 25
BEST HANGOVER CURE
BEST D.M.
Nicholas Accinelli
When sending a Direct Message (DM), you’re playing for
higher stakes than a regular M. If all you’re after is some
sensual sex rejection, a classic “U up?” will do just fine. But
if you’re looking for more, you need to separate yourself from
the crowd. A strong DM should promote thought, introspection.
“What do you think about the impending global energy crisis?”
is a great place to start. Once you get bolder, go straight to the
point. “Are you scared of dying?” “What about dying alone?”
“Do you think dying is painful?” “Would you rather die in your
sleep or be eaten by a wolf? “Are you scared of ISIS?” I know
I am!
BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR
A TOOTHBRUSH
Madeleine Colbert
More coffee. If you don’t have a toothbrush to make
your teeth clean, just run the other way! Drink coffee until
they’re nice and yellow. So then at least you have that “cool
coffee drinker” mouth. You all know what I’m talking about.
Also, when everyone recoils in fear of your teeth, you don’t
have to admit it’s because you literally don’t have a toothbrush!
Instead, it’s because you just drink so much coffee. You are
obsessed with coffee. Can you talk about your favorite Italian
roast for a second? Sorry bout my breathe, I just drank coffee.
Lara Sokoloff
I think we all know this doesn’t exist. When you wake up in
bed and you feel like you can’t find your dignity and the bottle
of Advil is too far away, we all secretly know that the saddest
part is there’s no way to expedite the process. Advil helps, but
it’s no savior; water is nice and all; exercise is actually pretty
effective but that mental hurdle to get yourself to PWG is sky
high. But I can guarantee you that what I’ve come to over the
last week is physician endorsed and guaranteed to succeed. My
mom’s a hypochondriac—she supports antibiotics as the cure
to any cold, and on any given break I find myself at a minimum
of three different doctor’s appointments. This Thanksgiving,
I saw my dermatologist, gynecologist, and a primary care
specialist, and all three highly suggested I start taking probiotics. In other words, it appears that probiotics are probably the
miracle pill to solve any and all health crisis, meaning they are
also the elusive cure to hangovers that we’ve all been seeking. Granted, none of the physicians explicitly indicated that
probiotics are good for hangovers, but if they clear up your
skin, are good for the female reproductive system, and also
good for your general health, who are you to tell me they’re not
going to cure a hangover? Yeah, shut up. And hey, if they fail
as a hangover cure, just know we should probably all be taking
probiotics anyway, because who isn’t hoping that every day is a
ghost-wipe kind of day.
BEST WAY TO OFFEND
GLUTEN-FREE FOLKS
Charlotte Weiner
Join the 34,000 people who have currently R.S.V.P.’d to
attend the Thurs., Dec. 31 Facebook event: “Crying and Eating
Bread by Yourself on the Floor”. As the event description specifies, “Bread cannot be gluten free. Bagels are accepted.”
BEST ON-CAMPUS
INFO SESSION
Jordan Coley
BEST COMBINATION HOTDOG/MOCHI STORE
Kai Takahashi
Jake’s Diggity Dogs
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a consulting thing for
McKinsey, or whatever, and, honestly, it was so lit! We got
there and there was this like really really nice business woman
lady, or whatever, who greeted us and gave us all name tags! It
was honestly so dope! And then, there was like a another really
nice, business woman lady, but this time she was black, and
she talked to us and she was really nice and she remembered
all of our names really quickly! It was crazy! And then we all
took our seats, or whatever, to start, and this guy came up and
showed us his PowerPoint. It was SO well done! (Like professionally made.) And then there was like this activities section,
where they gave us like a Consulting problem to solve, and we
got in little groups and discussed, or whatever. It was actually
really cool! And then after that, we talked about some of the
answers (there were like multiple right answers, it was nuts!)
and then they passed around Munchkins! And then it was over,
but we like talked to them after they said it was over anyway.
And then a bunch of them gave us their like Consulting trading
card! (I have three!) I honestly loved it!
BEST SLEEP ACCESSORY
Liam McClintock
BEST 2020 PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE
Madeleine Colbert
This is easy; the answer is clearly Lindsay Lohan. What,
you didn’t see that she declared a 2020 presidential race after
Kanye? You don’t read her Instagram captions? Well on October
16th she dropped that bomb. She followed her declaration by
explaining, “The first thing I would like to do as president of
[American flag emoji] is take care of the children suffering in
the world” and “#queenELIZABETH showed me how by having
me in her country.” I’m 100% on board with this fundamentally sound plan. Nobody mention that she isn’t old enough; I
want to see this play out.
You never know when the urge to zonk out might come
creeping on. Whether you’re in an Econ seminar, riding the bus,
or simply eating a corn beef sandwich, sometimes the need
to snooze becomes unbearable. In such situations, you’ll be
thankful you own a Tiffany’s Audrey Hepburn sky blue sleeping mask. It’s just the perfect piece of equipment required to
shade your eyes from brightness, whether artificial or solar.
Don’t let light get in the way of your much-needed snooze
time. Make your dreams come true by purchasing a soft satin
cover for your droopy lids, and let others watch in envy as you
slumber in style.
Dec. 11, 2015 – 27
BEST SUMMER INTERNSHIP
BEST ALUMNUS
David Rossler
Definitely John C. Calhoun! He believed so fiercely in
protective tariffs and free trade. Also, concurrent majority and
nullification. His wife, Floride, did something called the Petticoat Affair. He was secretary of war and secretary of state like
the finest men. He got elected, too, when he was in Congress.
Plus, when he wasn’t too busy being Vice President (yeah, that
too!) he wrote books. Sounds like a pretty cool guy who we
should all remember and like.
BEST WAY TO UNWIND
Lora Kelley
Ah, the coveted summer internship. Here’s what the career
center won’t tell you: the best summer internship is interning
for ME (and my mom when she makes me do stuff for her).
I interned for myself last summer, and it was sick—all the
perks of a real job without even leaving my bed or getting
paid. And I can now add the following exciting internship experiences to my “LinkedIn”:
“Eating Cheez-Its and Stalking Old Crushes on Instagram”
Internship, My Basement, Evanston, Illinois
Responsibilities include: Googling my summer camp crush
from 8th grade (finding out he goes to Harvard now. Great
job, Luke.), wiping Cheez-It grease on my sweatpants when
it starts to rub off onto my phone screen, accidentally liking
Luke’s Insta from 116 weeks ago, thinking about messaging
him to meet up during Harvard-Yale, thinking better of it.
“Envisioning Worst Possible Outcomes and Fretting” Internship, My Brain, Evanston, Illinois
Responsibilities include: Being plagued with doubts about
my future, fearing what would happen if I got murdered,
watching the first half of several documentaries, taking long
drives in my recently recalled VW, crying.
“Giving the Dog a Bath” Internship, My Mom, Evanston,
Illinois
Responsibilities include: Feigning a dog allergy, feigning a
minor wrist injury that renders me unable to wield soap, finally
giving in, washing my grimy hound Hank, watching him plunge
into a very cesspool of mud in my backyard mere minutes
later. Shaking my head in disbelief.
If internships are all about getting real world experience,
what could be realer than spending the summer doing what
I’d be doing anyway? This summer was awesome and my
resume is fat. It was so empowering being my own boss
(except when my mom was really the real boss all the time).
Can’t wait for this summer to intern for myself all over again.
See you soon, Illinois!
Rachel Lackner
You know that thing where you really need to take a halfhour nap, but you know you don’t have time to take that nap,
but you also lack the motivation to get started on that orgo pset
so you sit on your bed checking Twitter and Facebook and the
blog of that one girl from high school who sat near you in band,
and before you know it, you have wasted an entire forty minutes, and you’re still in desperate need of a nap, so you take a
half-hour nap anyways and by that time you’ve already wasted
part of the afternoon so you sleep for an additional twenty minutes because nothing really matters, and then by the time you
wake up you hate yourself, and it wasn’t really worth it? Yeah.
Anything but that.
BEST SENIOR THESIS
Carly Lovejoy
Thesis it= Homogenous Qualtrics: Genre, Class, and Style::
The Deep Web and its Social Implications in Surveys::: Politics
of Question Syntax and Online Jargons:::: Defining Siri:::::
How Do You Know Her:::::: Motherhood and Digital Natives;
A love-story where Siri is in the end an Oedipal symbol for
the contradiction networks made sensible by online qualtrics,
revealing communities of digital native avatars and their desires
in this crazy, crazy world;; an phenomenological approach
BEST YALE GRAD SCHOOL
BEST REASON TO
TRANSFER AGAIN
Lily Sawyer-Kaplan
If you’ve ever seen the space station planted in the middle
of Whitney Ave, you know that SOM is the best Yale Grad
School. The whole building is constructed from glass, because
they promote “transparency” in the business world. The have a
café that’s like Bass Café, but the snack selection kills and the
coffee is from Oren’s and therefore drinkable. They have their
own Sol Lewitts that decorate their dining hall. Use all your EliBucks here!! Lunch is $2 less than a meal swipe, and the day
I went they had food cart samplings. It’s also possible to take
over the sound system of a classroom, and watch the “Sorry”
music video on repeat on a huge projector that is probably
meant to forecast markets. All these amenities are right here,
right now available to the future business leaders of America.
BEST WAY TO SURVIVE
THE APOCALYPSE
Lora Kelley
Transferring has been a great experience for me. So I figure
I might as well transfer a second time! The best reason to
transfer (again) is honestly just to feel something.
This fall has been a big transition, but I’m starting to feel
adjusted. A little too adjusted. People in my residential college
kind of know me now, and I have a normalized study routine. I
know how to cry at the front desk of Sterling when they tell me
that I have $125 in library fines from this school year alone,
and I have a major advisor. It’s all too normal. The n00b days
of September were sweet, and I could totally live that freewheeling life once more.
Mostly though, I realized that every time I get a new “.edu”
email account, I can get a free trial month of Amazon Prime. If
I transfer again I could get, like, two free trials. That’s so many
trials. I could buy a lot of chairs.
BEST PLACE TO
HAVE A NAP
Rachel Paul
Claire Goldsmith
Yale’s worst classroom is also its best, at least for all the
apocalypse preppers out there. Becton C031 has all the best
features of Davies Auditorium—roughly hewn cinderblock walls,
a total lack of windows or any attempt at decoration, and the
world’s most soporific atmosphere—without bringing up any
of the pesky Donner Party-type crowd dynamic concerns you
might have in a large auditorium.
When the Furies descend and the Mayan calendar strikes
midnight, run, don’t walk to the Becton Center. Make a quick
left right before the auditorium, hop down a few stairs, and
you’ll see C031. It’s right next to a vending machine and a
bathroom, so you’re set for a good 3-4 months, depending on
how slowly you can ration your pretzels. Hunker down with a
few friends and you can each get your own comfortably padded seat from which to imagine the complete destruction of
the world happening above you. When you emerge from that
concrete cell, you will be totally desensitized to the bleak grey
darkness of the post-apocalyptic earth. Fun!
This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I
could tell you what I think. I could tell where I would take the
most luxurious nap ever. I could tell you all about my opinion.
But I’m not going to. Because there’s something I honestly and
truly believe. I honestly and truly believe that wherever you
choose to nap is the best place for you to nap. I could tell you
where I nap, but then there would be a huge line outside my
door of people waiting to have a turn napping in my bed. So
I’m not going to tell you. Because once you’ve decided to take
a nap in a certain place, you should feel confident and secure
in your choice. Who am I to take that away from you?
Dec. 11, 2015 – 29
BEST ALTERNATIVE
TO SOUL CYCLE
Yi-Ling Liu
BEST SPACE TRAVELER
Lea Rice
With the recent Hollywood influx of lauded space travellers—the casts of Star Trek/Wars; Matthews McConaughey and
Damon in Interstellar; Damon again, but this time he’s the good
guy and he’s stuck on Mars—it might seem like this is a hard
superlative to nab. As an avid fan of space and all that it offers,
however, I will tell you that best space traveller is Juno. Though
sharing a name with a pregnant Ellen Page character circa
2007, Juno is in fact a spacecraft headed to Jupiter RIGHT
NOW. It’s going to observe the gas giant and maybe even find
out how it evolved. A burning question from me, circa 2007:
if boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, how do they not die
in its gaseous atmosphere? Juno, please answer this! Followup: why do boys get to go to Jupiter, ‘cause I’m currently a girl
going to college to get more knowledge and it’s honestly not as
dope as interplanetary space travel. Ugh, patriarchy.
This coming July 4th (because AMERICA), Juno arrives at
Jupiter after a five year journey. When Juno left Earth, LMFAO’s
Party Rock Anthem was the number one song in the US, and
Taylor Swift was still a country singer. Sadly, Juno will know
the glory of neither Red nor 1989. After a twenty-month orbit,
the plan is to send Juno out in a blaze of glory by releasing it
from orbit and letting Jupiter’s gravity do its thing. Obviously,
everyone’s going to throw “Kudos Juno” parties in March 2017,
but I urge you to get in front of the hype.
I wanted to try Soul Cycle, but there’s no Soul Cycle in New
Haven, and ShiftCycle apparently sucks. So I decided instead
to go biking with the Masked Maniac.
Thursday night, from 11-1, I joined Sabir, self-proclaimed
“Mask Maniac,” on his night ride in downtown New Haven. We
wore masks; he blasted music from a black boombox.
Let me give you the lowdown. For starters, you get a mask,
not overpriced tights with the letters S0UL printed flamboyantly across the outer leg. You get anonymity. You don’t have to
worry about running into someone you know, and being judged
for your induction into the halls of workout biddiedom. Secondly, Sabir’s playlist is great— a lot of Fall Out Boy, a lot of
Nickelback, the Spanish remix of Talk Dirty —superior to any
soul instructor’s playlist. Third, the ride is unpredictable, you
don’t know what you’ll get. A wave or a middle finger? A honk
or a whistle? Plus, sometimes Sabir takes a break in the middle
of his ride at the Dunkin Donuts on Whalley strip, and you get a
donut. When was the last time your Soul Cycle instructor gave
you a Boston Crème Drizzle or a Toasted Coconut Munchie? Or
a Snickerdoodle Iced Machiato?
So honestly, it was the best workout of my life. I didn’t find
my inner soul per say, but darting down Chapel Street, I certainly did find my inner Christian Bale on a batmobile.
BEST DAY TRIP OUTSIDE
NEW HAVEN
Charlie Bardey
I recently went to my first Woads of 2015 last night, and
I loved it. I did the whole Yale thing—drank, danced, went to
Ivy Wok. I was ready to call it a night when I got a text from
a friend: “im at lighthouse point u gotta come.” As always
when someone invites me anywhere, I was afraid I was being
pranked and that someone would pour a bucket of blood on
me (Carrie really resonated with me), but I carpe diem’d it and
Ubered my way over. Fifteen minutes later, I was there, and it
was perfect. Across the water, West and New Haven sparkled.
The rocks glistened under my iPhone light. I had papers to
write, and emails to send, but Lighthouse Point at 2 a.m. was
exactly what I needed.
At $5 a person roundtrip (if you split an Uber four ways),
it’s among the cheapest ways to get off the Yale campus, and
also the most spiritually cleansing. If you have a few hours to
spare, do it. You deserve it.
BULLBLOG BLACKLIST
100 THINGS THAT SUCK
1. r-rated christmas movies
2. f,s,j,s class council
3. “camp friends”
4. stigma against Shazaming things
5. “finger food”
6. above the ground hot tubs
7. how you can’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies
8. how a million dollars isn’t cool
9. lowercase letters
10. messenger bags
11. sophomore societies
12. radioactive material
13. small pockets
14. small pox
15. when people name their apartments
16. cuticles
17. felt
18. lactose intolerant people
19. campaign buttons
20. toilet hair
21. vevo
22. stuff that gets stuck in velcro
23. circular references
24. colons, both kinds
25. sponsored tweets
26. sleep apnea
27. “hover”boards
28. patchy beards
29. not being able to grow a beard
30. polar vortex
31. “dry heat”
32. being in heat
33. print media
34. naughty lists
35. mild salsa
36. “courier”
37. the weeknd
38. “wearing your letters”
39. snapping
40. flaring your nostrils
41. real wrestling
42. “siblings or dating”
43. that broken clocks are right twice a day
44. heelies
45. Ed Sheeran
46. funny shirts
47. when ur clothes don’t fit that well
48. “tasty”
49. instagram ads
50. “low hanging fruit”
51. lite beer
52. Rita Ora
53. crutches
54. invested interest
55. not feeling your face when you’re with someone
56. more than one intermission
57. gestalt theory
58. pain while urinating
59. facebook’s “interested” feature
60. Golf Magazine
61. doodle polls
62. that people don’t fix things that aren’t broke
63. page numbers on first page
64. nipple piercings
65. “timepieces”
66. people who call their tattoos “ink”
67. posting calories
68. Joy Behar
69. when the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
70. short charger cords
71. crème
72. argyle
73. when you want to cuddle with the package center but it’s really
far away and you can’t :(
74. when all your questions are declarative statements
75. biting off more than you can chew
76. “grass is always greener” situations
77. “not all rectangles are squares” situations
78. “i’m a celebrity get me out of here” situations
79. “no bev”
80. when people are dishonest
81. not being 50 most
82. being pranked
83. lack of structural integrity
84. when your one-day oil actually burns for eight days, and you don’t
get to go back to the oil store and flirt with the cute oil-salesman.
85. having to write papers
86. finals
87. “getting some z’s”
88. cavities
89. sending your regards
90. “you do you”
91. ice bucket challenge
92. clothed beaches
93. amber waves of grain
94. grains
95. my undiscerning mother
96. apples to apples
97. that everyone hates comic sans
98. missed connections on Elihu Yale
99. being “back at it”
100. having to choose between getting it right and getting it tight
Dec. 11, 2015 – 31
Get your
passport ready.
[Summer comes sooner than you think.]
On December 15th, applications will open for Yale Summer Session Abroad 2016.
Check early for the best choice of programs taught all over the world:
Latin America, Africa, Europe, Asia, or the Middle East.
Full-credit programs in language, culture, arts and sciences.
Applications deadline: February 15, 2016. Enrollment limited.
COURSE LISTINGS:
AFRICA
EUROPE
Society and Politics of North Africa
History & Culture of Southeastern Europe
Intermediate Modern Standard Arabic I & II
In Kafka’s Spirit: Prague Film & Fiction
CZEC S243/FILM S143 (Hu)
Introduction to Prague’s intellectual culture and the Jewish question
through contemporary film, fiction, history, language and travels.
June 26 – July 31
GMAN S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Intensive, content-based language course that teaches linguistic skills
through a variety of texts and media, with special emphasis on the
culture and history of Berlin.
May 29 – July 23
Visual Approaches to Global Health
Travel Writing
Rome
AFST S325/GLBL S361/HIST S236/MMES S285/SOC S236 (So)
The legacies of colonialism and nationalism, political systems, and
opposition in North Africa and the Maghrib in the 21st century.
2016 Dates TBD
ARBC S130-S140 (L3-L4)
An intensive intermediate course in Modern Standard Arabic with
an emphasis on all language skills.
May 29 – July 23
FILM S340/HLTH S350 (So)
Learn to translate complex global health concepts such as
HIV/AIDS, human rights, and conflict through hands-on
filmmaking and storytelling.
June 24 – Aug 6
Private Law & Contract Enforcement in the U.S. & France
ECON S276
Study the design of written and oral contracts, with particular emphasis
on economic efficiency, and the body of law that governs them.
June 18 – July 23
HIST S299 (Hu) & SOCY S286 (So)
Multidisciplinary study of Southeastern Europe from
antiquity to modernity.
July 2 – August 6
Intermediate German
ENGL S247 (Hu)
Examines travel writing, surveying a wide range of works, from
long-form “place” essays to destination articles, from travel memoir
to adventure odysseys.
May 28 – June 25
Intermediate Kiswahili I & II
Elementary & Intermediate French I & II
SWAH S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Study of Kiswahili structure and vocabulary based on a variety
of texts from traditional and popular culture.
May 29 – July 23
FREN S110-S120 (L1-L2)
Develop language skills, communicative proficiency, self-expression,
and cultural insights through extensive use of authentic audio, video
material, and field trips.
2016 Dates TBD
Advanced Kiswahili
SWAH S155 (L5)
Development of fluency through readings and discussions on
contemporary topics in Kiswahili.
May 29 – July 9
Intermediate and Advanced French I & II
ASIA
Advanced Language Practice
FREN S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Perfect skills in understanding spoken and written French and in
speaking and writing.
May 29 – July 23
FREN S150 (L5)
Improve comprehension and speaking and writing skills through the study
of modern fiction and non-fiction texts, film, museum visits,
and theater performances.
May 21 – June 25
Japanimation and Manga
ANTH S283 (So)
Focus on the social and historical context of the production and
consumption of manga and anime.
2016 Dates TBD
Advanced Culture and Conversation
Southeast Asia in Context + 2nd Module
FREN S160 (L5)
Introduction to contemporary French culture and current events intended
to further skills in listening comprehension, speaking, and reading.
May 21 – June 25
ANTH S230
Explore themes such as Southeast Asian religion, archeology,
rural development, politics and regional integration.
2016 Dates TBD
Elementary Portuguese for Romance Language Speakers
FREN S305/HUMS S267/LITR S176 (Hu)
Discussion of gothic architecture, urban and economic renewal,
and intellectual life of the 12th and 13th-century Paris.
July 2 – August 6
Introduction to Brazil
Belle Époque France
PORT S112-S122 (L1-L2)
PORT S352 (Hu)
An intensive elementary course in Portuguese language emphasizing
development of all language skills, with an introduction to Brazilian
cultural history.
May 29 – July 23
FREN S369/HUMS S214/LITR S247 (Hu)
A study of important works of literature, painting, sculpture,
architecture, music, and decorative arts in turn-of-the-century France.
May 28 – July 2
Intermediate Spanish I & II
SPAN S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Cultural Studies of Peru
SPAN S247 (Hu)
Spanish language study with an analysis and discussion of the
historical, social, and cultural development of Peru from
Pre-Columbian times to the present.
May 29 – July 23
Elementary Italian I & II
ITAL S110-S120 (L1-L2)
Tale of Two Cities
ITAL S153 (Hu)
Italian language study at the elementary level with an exploration of
Italian literature, film, and culture.
May 29 – July 23
Intermediate Italian I & II
ITAL S130-S140 (L3-L4)
History, Culture, and Film in Tuscany
ITAL S152 (Hu)
Apply language skills while living and studying in the Tuscan city
of Siena and engaging in travel and other cultural encounters in
Tuscany and Rome.
May 29 – July 23
Second Year Russian I & II
RUSS S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Russian Culture
RUSS S242 (Hu)
Russian language study with an interdisciplinary and hands-on
exploration of Russian cultural history in its transformations from
the early 18th Century to the present.
May 29 – July 26
Third Year Russian I & II
Age of the Cathedrals
LATIN AMERICA
HUMS S250 (Hu)
Consider how Rome’s contributions to western thought are recorded
in the very fabric of the city.
May 29 – July 2
RUSS S150-S151 (L5)
Russian Culture
RUSS S242 (Hu)
Comprehensive review of grammar, with an exploration of
Russian cultural history, extensive vocabulary building for social
sciences and practical vocabulary.
May 29 – July 26
Intermediate Spanish I & II
SPAN S130-S140 (L3-L4)
Spain, 1936 to the Present
Paris and the Cinema
FILM S153 (Hu)
Introduction to French cinema and culture that focuses on the stylish
romance as well as the mysterious underworld of cinematic Paris.
July 2 – August 6
SPAN S248 (Hu)
Spanish language study with an analysis and discussion of the
historical, social, and cultural development of Spain from the
Civil War to the present.
May 29 – July 23
Paris in the ‘20s
Language, Culture, and Society of Spain
LITR S244 (Hu/Wr)
A moveable feast. Study iconoclastic writers of the 1920s,
including Hemingway, Stein, Breton, and the Surrealists, in the
city that inspired them.
May 28 – July 2
SPAN S242 (L5)
Increase knowledge of the language, history, and culture of Spain,
within an immersion program set in Valencia.
May 21 – June 25
Study Abroad
YALIES, ABROAD. What’s Your Story?
studyabroad.yale.edu | email: [email protected]
Visit yale.edu/yalecollege/international/funding for summer funding information
©Copyright 2015 Yale Study Abroad

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