60 SUMMER 2006 • UMM.CA

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SUMMER 2006 • UMM.CA
BY JAMES MULLINGER
PHOTOS COURTESY CELEBRITY
PICTURES L.A. AND REX FEATURES
A
ctress. Model. Writer.
Producer. Fashion
designer. Host. Animal
rights campaigner. Is
there anything Pamela
Anderson cannot do? She is as adept
at saving the lives of animals through
her relentless campaigning on behalf of
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals), as she is making our knees weak
with her sultry poses. It is this versatility
that leads UMM to give Pamela Anderson
the highly coveted honour of her second
cover appearance in less than three
years.
As the sexiest Canadian of all time,
no one deserves this accolade more
than our Pammy. After all, she’s had a
fantastic twelve months. There’s Stacked,
her hit-rated sitcom set in a bookstore,
her roasting on Comedy Central’s The
Roast Of Pamela Anderson and, most
importantly, her role as host of this year’s
Juno Awards.
On 2nd April 2006, Canada’s favourite
goddess came home to present the 35th
Juno Awards. Her reason for doing so
was simple. “Canadian music rocks,” she
asserted. “No matter where I am in the
world I can listen to Canadian music and
feel like I’m at home. This is going to be
one kick-ass awards show.” And she was
right. Anderson joined a list of equally
prominent home grown stars who have
hosted the Junos including Shania Twain,
as well as the Barenaked Ladies, Rick
Mercer, Alanis Morissette and, er, Jason
Priestley.
CTV screened the event for the fifth time
and Susanne Boyce, their president of
programming was extremely pleased that
Pamela agreed to host. “She’s famous
around the world, but Pamela will feel
right at home in Halifax. She can expect
a hearty East coast welcome for what
promises to be a spectacular awards
broadcast,” she insisted.
with good grace, as you would expect
of someone who, last year, agreed to
appear on Comedy Central’s notorious
Roast Of Pamela Anderson (when
comedians, friends and colleagues
come together to take verbal potshots
at Pammy, the ‘roastee’). Undoubtedly
the bravest moment of her career, she
agreed to the ordeal under the proviso
that the producers would make a sizeable
donation to PETA under her name.
The event was filmed in front of a live
audience and they laughed uproariously
as dozens of insult comics and friends
lined up to abuse her. Pammy sat
gracefully throughout and smiled sweetly
while she was bombarded with some of
the most shocking and offensive jokes
ever uttered. Don’t believe us? Try these
on for size:
Oozing sex appeal and playing up to the
7,500-strong crowd in Halifax’s Metro
Centre with aplomb, Pammy had the
audience eating out of her hand. And
her overtly revealing outfits ensured
the crowd was cheering with delight
throughout. It wasn’t all fun and games
however. She made the most of her time
back in Canada by campaigning to put
an end to an East Coast seal hunt. On
the Sunday afternoon of the event, she
travelled downtown to Barrington Street
to post a dozen envelopes containing
tens of thousands of petitions addressed
to Prime Minister Stephen Harper, calling
for an end to the East Coast seal hunt.
Sporting a tight, white PETA T-shirt, she
told the assembled press that she had
a message to our PM: “Make Canadians
proud, Mr. Harper. He said he didn’t want
to see me, so we’re just sending him a
bunch of letters.”
Pammy enthused that she had collected
50,000 petitions in the previous week
alone and would continue the campaign
until the annual hunt was stopped
permanently. She was confident that
Harper would listen: “He can’t refuse.
Hopefully we’re going to hear something
positive from him and we’ll stop the seal
hunt.” Her protest didn’t stop there.
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SUMMER 2006 • UMM.CA
On stage that night at the Junos, she
continued her rant. “I don’t mind a little
blood on the ice when it’s a hockey rink,
but I hate seeing blood on the ice when
it’s from baby seals,” she said to the
divided audience. While the cheers were
loudest, some boos were audible but
Pammy responded sharply by saying:
“I can take it, I can take it – I have high
heels and they dig in deep.” The applause
was rapturous.
Other jokes didn’t work quite as well,
“One of my favorite artists couldn’t
be here tonight. Seal,” she said. “He
was afraid he might get clubbed to
death.” The prestigious event featured
performances by Canadian indie band
Bedouin
Soundclash and Broken Social Scene,
2006 Canadian Music Hall of Fame
inductee
Bryan Adams, British rock band Coldplay
and Alberta rockers Nickelback. West
Coast crooner Michael Bublé scooped the
most awards, winning best artist, single of
the year, best album and best pop album.
Singer-songwriter Jann Arden couldn’t
resist taking a jab at Anderson’s political
musings. She said: “My bra is entirely
made of seal eyelids,” to delight of the
assembled audience. Pammy took it
AD
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SUMMER 2006 • UMM.CA
AD
“Tommy Lee. Kid Rock. Bret Michaels.
Don’t you ever fuck anyone with talent?”
Jeffrey Ross.
“The woman has screwed more musicians
than Napster.” Jimmy Kemmel.
“Pam’s ass is too perfect, I don’t think shit
comes out of it. I think frozen strawberry
yoghurt comes out of it.” Nick DiPaolo.
“Pam, you know how you say fur is
murder? Well, so is watching you act.”
Nick DiPaolo.
“You’re a vegetarian but you have no
problem sucking a moose cock.” Greg
Giraldo.
“May your spirit and drive continue to
inspire women everywhere to whip out
their melons.” Hugh Hefner.
That Pammy takes all this abuse so
graciously is testament to her grounding
and sense of humour. She has never
forgotten her roots and is happy for
people to laugh at her. She is always
happy to defend her fellow Canadian.
She said recently: “Canadian’s might
seem more reserved than Americans
- everyone in America thinks we’re
just how South Park portrays us - but
behind closed doors we’re much more
adventurous,sexually speaking.”
Pammy’s rise to fame has been well
documented (not least by UMM in the
Spring 2004 issue). She was born on
Canada’s centennial birthday on July 1,
1967 and raised in Ladysmith, B.C. She
first caught the attention of the masses
at a football game in Vancouver when a
cameraman with a good eye for the ladies
saw her in the crowd and zoomed in on
her face.
Pammy recently remembered that lifechanging day: “The game was between
the BC Lions and the Toronto Argonauts
in BC Place, and during one of the
stopages in play, a camera man was
roaming the crowd for someone to flash
up on the screen. I think the match must
have been really dull. Anyways, he picked
me and the crowd went...bonkers! I was
wearing the Labatt brewery t-shirt and
before long I had been hired as their
Blue Zone, Blue Girl. I was splashed all
over Canadian bar walls, restrooms, and
bedrooms! Then Playboy started calling...”
She went on to appear on the cover of
Playboy a whopping eleven times - more
than any woman in the magazine’s
history. Her first television role was as
Lisa, the Tool Time Girl on Tim Allen’s
hit-rated sitcom Home Improvement, but
it was her appearance on Baywatch that
sealed her worldwide infamy. Since then
she has starred in and produced both VIP
and Stacked, the latter of which is proving
to be a real ratings winner.
With the success of Stacked, the infamy
of her Roast, her tireless work for PETA,
the sales of her novel Star and her role
as host of the Junos, this is a remarkable
era for this remarkable woman. “I have
no intention of giving up my citizenship
in Canada and am very proud to be a
Canadian,” she said recently. Suffice to
say - here at UMM we’re as proud of her
achievements as she is of her heritage.
The Roast Of Pamela Anderson
Uncensored is available to buy now on
DVD at all good retailers.
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SUMMER 2006 • UMM.CA