pathfinder_no15_01

Transcription

pathfinder_no15_01

pathfindermag.com
Coretta Scott King >
How She Marched On
Carole Radziwill
Widow’s Guide to Sex &
Dating
One-Dish Dinner Ideas
Widow Discovers Poetry in the Clouds
How About a Staycation?
PLUS:Ways to Memorialize a Loved One
Poetry – Soul’s Longing For Itself
Do You Have Complicated Grief?
Voluntary Simplicity
AND MORE!
Jan/Feb 2016
Vol. 2 No. 3
pathfindermag.com | January / February 2016 | PATHFINDER | 1
5 Letter from the Editor
18 Humor
I’m Not Lazy – I’m
Resolved
By Carol Scibelli
8
19 Poetry
Soul’s Longing for Itself
By Sarah Ragsdale
8 Featured Widow
20 Ask Jane
Mary Buell Volk Discovers Poetry In
The Clouds
By Patricia Ann Chaffee
Do You Have Complicated
Grief?
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
14 In Their Honor
There Are Many Ways to
Memorialize a Loved One
By Amy J. Barry
24
24 Widow/er Of History
Coretta Scott King Marched On
By Lisa Saunders
2 | PATHFINDER | January / February 2016 | pathfindermag.com
28 Nutrition
Four One-Dish Dinner
Ideas
By Rosemary Collins,
RDN
33 Entertainment
The Widow’s Guide to
Sex & Dating – Comedic
Novel About Next Chapter
in Young Widow’s Life
By Amy J. Barry
37 Travel
5 Reasons To Take A
Staycation Vacation
41 Home
Voluntary Simplicity Leads
to Intentional Living
45 Spirituality
Sound Healer Creates
Good Vibrations
48 Expressive Arts
Is It Possible That Paint
Can Get Us Unstuck? It
Sure Is...
52 Hobby
Fall In Love With Bridge
By Dick Avazian
Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the
Widow/er’s Journey
ISSN 2378-4040 (print)
ISSN 2378-4059 (online)
ADVERTISING
To advertise in Pathfinder Magazine contact Joanne
Moore at [email protected].
SUBMISSIONS
We welcome readers to submit questions to Joanne
Moore, [email protected] and to
Jane Milardo, [email protected]
(family issues and mental health). We also welcome
your poetry and photography (Patricia Ann Chaffee,
[email protected]) for possible
publication. If you know someone who would be
an inspiration for our Featured Widow/er article, or
for our In His/Her Honor sections, please give us
(Joanne Moore, [email protected]) a
brief story, and contact information.
© 2016 Act II Publications LLC
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provided by our advertisers.
Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey
is the property of Act II Publications, P.O Box 752, East
Lyme, CT 06333. Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the
Widow/er’s Journey contains articles on many topics. Any
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Just as no two people are alike, we recognize that no two marriages are alike.
The only thing that binds us together is that we have all lost a spouse. We are
otherwise a true cross section of America. We come from all backgrounds, and
have unique dreams for our futures. By listening to each other, we find bits of
inspiration to become creative as we forge our own new path.
Pathfinder provides opportunities to learn from each other, to enable one
another, and to share our experiences.
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Letter from the Editor:
D
ear readers,
There is something exciting about beginning a new year. It has a pristine quality to it, like fresh
fallen snow, or a blank canvas. A new year is a chance for a do-over, to start anew. I love New Year’s
Day because it seems that so much possibility lies ahead. It’s true that what lies ahead is not exactly what
we planned or hoped for. All of our best laid plans for the next year have been shaken up. We didn’t choose
to face the new year alone.
I’ve been watching my adult children beginning their own families. I’m struck by how quickly the
children move from infancy to toddlers to big school kids. Each family member seems to transition seamlessly, making adjustments as needed. There is no time for grieving the passage of the stages, because they
embrace the joys of the next stage so enthusiastically. They use what they’ve learned to build upon, and
they grow intellectually, socially, spiritually, and physically.
I am trying to learn from them to accept the passages of life as a matter of course. Over the past couple
of months, we’ve tried to be thankful for all that we’ve had. We’ve tried to both be generous during the
holidays, and to accept the gifts from our loved ones. Don’t you agree that gratitude and openness are great
attitudes to draw upon in 2016? Don’t get me wrong, I am very disappointed to be facing the new year
without my husband. He was my biggest fan, supporting me in every way he could. But I am trying to look
creatively at the twelve months that lie ahead. I wonder what possibilities I can explore, so that I can grow
just as the kids do. I’ve also found it helpful to anticipate where the obstacles may develop. Valentine’s
Day is just around the corner, and is a pretty glaring reminder of our loss. Plan for the challenge by getting
a little gift for yourself, or by spreading little gifts around your local child care center or senior housing
development. There will be other special days that will present challenges for your mental health. Planning
coping strategies ahead of time often helps us through.
Our writers this month present some stories to inspire, to inform, and to make us smile. I’m excited
about the story on Coretta King, and on the author of The Widow’s Guide to Sex and Dating, Carole Radziwill. The one-pot recipes are great for making the house feel like a home, and I hope you try them and
share with friends. Winter will be more interesting by trying voluntary simplicity, exploring your chakras,
learning to play bridge. So get “unstuck,” reboot your life, and deal with any complicated grief. It all begins
in this issue.
I wish you a sense of peace as the New Year begins, and a little burst of creative energy to get you
through the cold.
All the best,
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore,
Publisher
Pathfinder Staff
EDITOR & FOUNDER
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore, PT, DHSc, OCS
[email protected]
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore
is a physical therapist
who was widowed in
2009 at the age of 57.
Her professional experience has taught her to
value life at every stage,
despite tragedy. She has
observed people learning to adapt to a new paradigm of life after serious
injury and degenerative diseases. She has learned
that the people who are happiest are the people
who can find the good in new situations. She drew
upon this experience to develop a philosophy of
life to guide this stage.
As the publisher of Pathfinder: A Companion
Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey, she is meeting
many widow/ers who have learned to live well after loss. Each person brings a unique philosophy
to this chapter of life. She has been inspired by
the creativity of artists, politicians, teachers, and
by historical figures. She is excited about sharing
their stories so that others might find the courage
to explore their possibilities.
Editorial Staff: Irene Moore, MSW, Professor of
Family and Community Medicine, University of
Cincinnati.
WRITERS
Amy J. Barry
[email protected]
Amy J. Barry is
a professional writer,
reviewer, and awardwinning
columnist.
She is also the author
of the children’s book
A Child’s Grief Journey, a Hospice-trained
bereavement counselor, and a certified expressive
arts educator. Amy lives on the Connecticut shoreline with her husband and assorted pets, and has
two young adult sons. You can visit Amy at www.
aimwrite-ct.net.
Patricia Ann Chaffee
[email protected]
Patricia Ann Chaffee
is a poet, photographer,
freelance writer and
former journalist. She
facilitates Creating a
Writing Life programs
for emerging writers and
designs workshops and
retreats to nourish the
soul, awaken the muse and celebrate the creative
life. To learn more, visit www.PatriciaAnnChaffee.
com.
Rosemary Collins, RDN
[email protected]
Rosemary Collins
is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with
the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics
since 2009. She works
freelance and offers
nutritional counseling
to clients looking to
improve both their health and fitness with easy
and practical dietary changes. Before moving
to the USA she worked in the UK, so you may
notice that some of her recipes have a British
influence!
Jane Milardo, LMFT
[email protected]
Jane Milardo, LMFT is a licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist who has been practicing for
24 years in a variety of treatment settings includ-
ing inpatient and outpatient psychiatric, day
treatment,
residential
treatment, and substance
abuse rehabilitation. She
is currently the owner
of Synergy Counseling
Center, LLC, in Niantic, CT. She received her
B.A. at Hobart and William Smith Colleges in Geneva, NY, and her Masters in Marriage and Family
Therapy at Southern CT State University in New
Haven, CT.
Lisa Saunders
[email protected]
Lisa Saunders is an
award-winning writer
and TV host living in
Mystic, Connecticut,
with her husband. A
graduate of Cornell
University,
she
is
author of several books
and winner of the
National Council for
Marketing & Public Relations Gold Medallion.
She works as a part-time history interpreter at
Mystic Seaport, is an instructor at New London
Adult and Continuing Education, and writes for
several clients. As the parent representative of
the Congenital CMV Foundation and member
of the Daughters of the American Revolution,
she has spoken on a variety of topics at venues
including Cornell University, West Point
Museum, The Washington Independent Writers
Association, and USA 9 News. Visit Lisa at
www.authorlisasaunders.com.
Carol Scibelli
[email protected]
Carol Scibelli is
a humor writer and
popular speaker for
all occasions. She’s a
sought after performer
at grief conferences
because she’s irreverent
and funny! Her book,
POOR WIDOW ME is
available on Amazon
and on her website, www.carolscibelli.com.
She’s had her humorous essays published in The
New York Times, Newsday, the Hartford Courant
and dozens of weekly publications. A proud
member of the Friars Club since 1998, she has
a grown daughter and son and three fun loving
granddaughters. Carol lives in Manhattan with
her Morkie, Tony Baloney. They rescued each
other.
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Featured Widow
Mary Buell Volk
Discovers Poetry
In The Clouds
M
ary Buell Volk discovered poetry in a
most unusual way, while flying over
clouds in an airplane and thinking about
her husband John. They met when Mary was attending Emmanuel College in Boston and John
was a Yale grad working in the area. They dated,
and Mary says, “He went off to find himself in
Colorado, where he became a carpenter. It was
1969 and people did things like that.” They kept in
touch through Christmas cards and saw each other
occasionally, maintaining a friendship.
She married Patrick Sullivan at 24 and John
even attended her wedding. She had two boys and
divorced 10 years later staying in the Connecticut area. John stayed in touch and when Mary’s
mom passed away in 1990, John was there for her,
and their relationship was rekindled. Six months
says Mary. “I thought that way every morning.”
Her son kept encouraging her to move back to
Connecticut. She stayed in Massachusetts another
three years. “One morning I got up, I said, ‘I’m
going to move back to Connecticut.’ It was time.”
She thought about where she would move to, and
considered the Connecticut shoreline.
With thoughts about getting a job, she decided
to sell her house, and put it on the market. Doors
began to open. Her house sold in 24 hours for twice
what she paid for it. With a bit of a cushion, she
didn’t need to worry about a job just yet. Familiar
with the university setting, Mary applied on line
to Yale, John’s alma mater. She decided on Old
Saybrook for her new home and she moved there
in 2004. A week later Yale University offered her
a position that was part time and seasonal during
(l-r) Mary & John; David & Mary.
later they were engaged and nine months later
they married. He was 45 and she was 41. Once her
boys finished high school and were off to college,
the couple decided to relocate to the south shore
of Boston for a fresh start. They bought a home
just five houses from the beach. Three months later John was diagnosed with Lymphoma, and after six months of intense chemotherapy he was in
remission. They enjoyed one good year together
before he was diagnosed with Leukemia. In 2001
she lost her best friend, just one month shy of their
10th anniversary.
Mary was left in their new town with no close
friends or family and was devastated. She chose
to stay there, continuing her work for the Chancellor of the University of Massachusetts, Boston.
“I just kind of put one foot in front of the other,”
the academic year, as senior administrative assistant in the Design Department at the Yale School
of Drama. She is still there 11 years later. It was a
perfect fit.
Poetry came into her life in 2006. She had
been flying in a plane and saw clouds beneath her.
“I thought now I’m above the clouds and sort of in
Heaven territory. I was thinking to myself, ‘Well
John, I still don’t see you. Where are you?’ I assumed everyone who lost their significant other
has a particular mystery that gnaws at them. My
mystery was that I couldn’t figure out how someone who could be so present, could be gone? I
think this has to do with what you believe spiritually. I’ve never resolved where I am faith-wise. I
pretty much lost faith when he died. That was my
nagging question. I could never figure out where
Mary Buell Volk
he was. How could his soul be completely gone? I
still felt he was with me somehow.”
Her practical side and her creative side were
at odds over this. Looking down at the clouds, she
thought, “You are not here either.” When her flight
landed, she felt a need to start writing the phrase,
“looking down on clouds, you are not here either.”
She started writing and a poem emerged. It was
titled, Thoughts of John, Five Years Later. It was
2006 and she was still wondering where he was.
Somehow that first poem opened something up
within her and poems began to flow. She wrote a
lot about grief at that time.
“Poetry became an avenue to express what
I was feeling and I realize now I was working
through my grief. It’s a funny combination of expressing yourself like you are with a counselor
or therapist, but you are by yourself, so I think
you can be more honest. Somehow those things
deepest inside you can come out when you are by
yourself.”
Her friend Carin Roaldset invited her to a poetry workshop being offered in Old Saybrook. “I
loved it,” she says. It was held at an art gallery on
Main Street and the instructor told them to choose
a piece of art and write a poem about it. She suggested Mary consider sharing her poetry in Cadeceus, an annual publication, that at the time
was affiliated with Yale but is no longer in print.
Thoughts of John was published as well as others
she wrote three years after. She read the work of
other poets and continued to write realizing that
her words and expressing what she was feeling
could benefit others. She submitted to other poetry
journals and her poetry has since won awards and
recognition over the past five years.
She met Pat O’Brien who was a member of
the Guilford Poet’s Guild. That group was closed
to new members so they decided to start a group in
Old Saybrook. Gray Jacobik who is a well- known
poet in Connecticut became a part of the initial
group of three. They called it the Connecticut River Poets, and the group blossomed within a few
years, gathering once a month to write, share and
critique their poetry. There are now 14 members.
“The idea is to get the person to write the best
poem they can write,” says Mary.
The group is involved in other projects as well
including being the unofficial Poets in Residence
for the Florence Griswold Museum. They have
three different exhibits each year and the group
goes in at the beginning of each exhibit and individually, they each select a work of art that moves
them and they write a poem about it. The poems
are showcased in a binder for the public to read as
they view the art. Poetry readings are scheduled as
well. They invite the Guilford Poets Guild to be a
part of this.
Last year a new tradition began where for the
winter exhibit, the group has invited the Creative
Writing class of Old Saybrook High School to
participate in this project, choosing a piece of art
from the exhibit and writing about it. Susan Murphy is their teacher, and the group works with her,
including helping develop the poetry in the classroom setting.
“This is exciting because we feel like we are
passing on a legacy. There is a Greek term for
writing poetry to art called ekphrastic poetry. And
that’s what I did at that first poetry workshop I
took,” says Mary. “You try to find a point of view
into that work of art. It’s fun.”
Mary remarried three years ago to David Cohen after meeting him on eHarmony.com, a dating
website. They emailed and fell in love, with David
commuting every weekend from Windsor, CT for
three years just to be with her. And it was after
they met that a book of her poetry evolved.
“I tried to work through the initial grief and
it was almost chronological,” says Mary. “It was
very dark in the beginning and slowly comes to
life a little bit.” The book is a collaborative effort
between Mary and photographer Carin Roaldset.
It is rich in metaphor and rich in local imagery
from in and around Old Saybrook. The theme of
ekphrastic poetry continues to stay with her and
she can see that process taking place even in her
book, where photography meets poetry and the
two art forms compliment each other beautifully.
A poem titled Alaska, is Mary’s favorite and
what she considers her best work. She had a
graduation trip to Alaska scheduled with her 22
year old son Danny at a time when John was not
You can slip down to
staying in grief, or you
have enough resiliency
in you, that you can rise
again. I had it inside
me, a desire to live life
fully again. I think you
have to have that, and
then I think you need to
nourish it.
doing well. Naturally she was reluctant to leave
him and when she returned he was much worse.
She struggled with the idea of having left him and
missing that time together. Danny had been with
her through it all and that trip strengthened their
bond. The book is titled Here After. “Here I am after John’s death. From darkness to light. There is a
lot about hope,” says Mary. She still hasn’t figured
out where John is, but realizes he is not in a place,
but has influenced her life in his passing.
“Somehow he is with me. This has strengthened me as a woman. The things I did after he
died kind of amaze me now. Buying and selling
a home, starting a new job and being successful
at it. I learned I can be alone and be okay alone.
And I realized that there are one of two ways you
can go. You can slip down to staying in grief, or
you have enough resiliency in you, that you can
rise again. I had it inside me, a desire to live life
fully again. I think you have to have that, and then
I think you need to nourish it. A friend kept telling me, ‘It’s going to keep getting better. It won’t
always be like this. It will keep getting better.’”
And it has.
To obtain a copy of Here After, contact Mary
Buell Volk at [email protected].
Thoughts of John, Five Years Later
by Mary Buell Volk
Looking down on clouds
Heaven is not there
It is not upwards
Or sideways either
No ghost sightings
No whispered secrets
No invisible touch on my breathing
body
You are gliding quietly
Mysteriously
Beyond memory held by mortal earth
You are with Jeannie, gardening
In Danny’s laugh
With Mike’s impending fatherhood
In Katherine’s tears
But perhaps you are here
When you purposefully are not.
I still do not know where you are.
You leave me alone.
Were you the seagull on Martha’s
Vineyard
Standing unnaturally near
Keeping watch?
The seal swimming so close to shore
He seemed to embody a mission?
Were you stretching across your ocean
grave
Toward the heavy laden earth
Reluctantly but lovingly
To stave off my despair?
I have seen you in Duke’s eyes.
In purple myrtle that grows and
spreads
In nebulous fog banks
In startling lighting shards
Now I feel you are sometimes in sounds.
The hollow echoing of woodpecker
racket
Soft rain clatter in early morning
The lilt of a voice beyond words
In heart aching melodies
To struggle
Test boldness
Reach for clarity
Beg for honesty
You try my strength to be brave
Urge me to open windows
Grab onto the light
And slip the bonds of regret
You hide in hearts not always mindful
In subtle ways you have transformed
us
Passing from our place in time
To the next
And the next after that
Certainly you are here as we open our
arms
To new life in the fullness of June
Our brand new being
Shaped in some unobvious way
By sweet remnants of your lingering
light
In Their Honor
By Amy J. Barry
There Are Many Ways
to Memorialize
a Loved One
W
Memorial Garden
hen someone we love dies, we want
to keep his or her memory alive. We
want to do something to honor that
life. If the person died of a disease, we can do
something meaningful by setting up a memorial
fund to further research for a cure. If our loved
one had a particular passion, we can continue
the person’s life work by setting up a charitable
non-profit. There are also simpler, more intimate
ways to continue to remember someone dear to
our hearts that don’t take a lot of planning or financing. Honoring the person’s memory gives a
sense of purpose to a profound loss, and as a result, it will aid in your own healing process.
Here are some suggestions of what you can
do to carry on a loved one’s legacy.
Establish a High School Scholarship Fund
This is a great way to help students with a
financial need to pursue a higher education in a
favorite subject or activity of the deceased: music, art, science, etc. If their passion was sports,
you can establish an athletic scholarship in their
memory.
Give an Annual Donation in His or Her
Memory
Choose a charitable organization that’s doing work that was especially meaningful to your
loved one.
Plant a Tree
Watching a sapling grow and flourish will encourage happy, healing, life-affirming memories
of the person.
Create a Memorial Garden
Fill it with your—and your loved one’s—favorite plants and flowers. Install a plaque in the
garden with their name on it and perhaps a few
lines of a favorite poem.
Light a candle
Gazing into the glowing flame can help you
When someone we love
dies, we want to keep his
or her memory alive. We
want to do something to
honor that life.
visualize the deceased and bring up fond memories. It is a Jewish tradition to light a special
candle that burns for 24 hours on the Yahrzeit
(yearly anniversary) of a loved one’s death.
Propose a Toast or Say a Blessing in Their
Honor
At holidays or any special occasions when
family and friends are gathered around the table,
pause and reflect on the person whose presence,
although not physical, can be felt on a spiritual
level.
Make a Keepsake Box
Gather poems, pictures, and other items that
remind you of your loved one and place them in
a special box that you can open and reflect on the
contents whenever you feel the desire.
Construct a Photo Collage
This is a visual way to chronicle the person’s
life. Hang it in your home to inspire family and
friends to share their stories of the deceased at
different times and places during their lifetime.
Keep Memories Alive Through Storytelling
Write down or record favorite stories/funny
anecdotes about the person that can be passed
down through the generations, keeping his or her
eternal spirit alive.
Find a Place in Nature to Reminisce
Visit the gravesite, memorial site, a woodland
preserve or beach—anyplace where you feel es-
pecially close to your loved one and present in
the moment without distractions.
Make a Musical Connection
Listening to music is an emotional, sensory
experience that brings up memories and helps us
do our grief work. Made a mixed tape or CD of
songs that remind you of your loved one or organize a benefit concert in your community in their
honor.
Complete a Project Your Loved One Was
Working On
This could be anything from refinishing a
table, installing a fountain in a garden, or organizing all the stuff in the basement. Enlist friends
and family to help and make it an adventure.
Support a Cause that Had Significance for
Your Loved One
Organize a charity walk or run, a bake sale or
special event and donate proceeds to a charity or
non-profit that the deceased had been involved
in—or continue his or her volunteer work in the
organization.
Creative Expression
Paint a picture, create a collage or craft project, make a piece of jewelry, compose a piece
of music, or write a story in his or her honor. It
doesn’t have to be perfect. Expressing yourself
through the arts is also a healing process for you.
Establish an Anniversary Ritual
Whether it’s saying a prayer, lighting a candle, reading a poem, or taking a walk in a special
place, rituals can offer solace on a day that may
elicit both joy and sorrow, and as the years go by,
serve as a marker of how far you’ve come in your
grief journey.
Humor
I’m Not Lazy
– I’m Resolved
By Carol Scibelli
y pattern used to be I’d abandon my New
Year’s resolutions by February. I’d rebuff myself, feeling as useless as pants
at a nudist colony until I discovered a cool way to
curb my self-disgust. I’d make the last entry to my
resolution list “break all the others.” Clever, eh?
Ha to all the teachers who claimed, “Carol is not
living up to her potential.”
I am no longer interested in spouting resolutions. I used to worry, what will become of me if
I don’t build an ark for a rainy day, switch my
closet from summer to winter by November 1st
and delete the dead person from my contact list at
their funeral.
Now, being sixty-something I am more protective of my time. I don’t devote even an hour doing
things I don’t want to do with people I don’t want
to do them with. Maybe this is the result of losing
my husband smack in the middle of our marriage.
Our 33 years could have been 66. We each would
have been 88...not that extraordinary.
M
Time passing makes me think of me passing
so why waste it trying to live up to my ridiculous
expectations? Why shouldn’t every day be a day
of comfort food?
Speaking of eating, you won’t see me at dinner or lunch with boring, unfunny or dumb people. If you can’t make me laugh and you’re not
picking up the check you’d better be able to do the
Heimlich maneuver.
I’m not running for office and my career is
what it is. I don’t have to pretend to be pals with
people to qualify for my number one vice, Netflix.
If I’m 30 pages into a book and I notice I’ve
read the same sentence fourteen times, it goes into
the “never finishing it and I don’t care” pile.
If Type A personality is the most zealous, I am
way down on the alphabet and I am fine with that.
Often in the evening I lay on the couch half sleeping and I need to reward myself with a cookie to
entice me to make that long voyage to the bedroom. Luckily, the kitchen is on the way.
As I sleepwalk to my bed I smile. I am doing
exactly what I want to be doing – nothing, unless
you count brushing my teeth to dig out the chocolate chips.
Wait. Writing this I’m realizing that I have
made resolutions. They’re just easy to follow like
the directions on a Jell-O box.
Happy New Year!
Poetry
Soul’s Longing for Itself
By Sarah Ragsdale
You who are so good at listening
what good is listening if you don’t
listen to me
how else will you know that I long to
leap across the high desert sky
float upon the ocean’s blue breasts
dig my toes into the warm sands
of our childhood once again
you who are so good at loving
what good is loving if you don’t
love me
gaze at the flower moon until I see our reflection
tell you my dreams of memory and loss
lie down upon this holy earth and be held
in her embrace
you who are so good at grieving
what good is grieving if you don’t
grieve for me
walk towards the horizon hand in hand
breathe the wild jasmine into a bloom in our heart
listen to the song of the nightingale
sing us Awake
Sarah lives in South County, Rhode Island where she studies creative writing with Grace Farrell at the Carolina
Fiber & Fiction Center. She is also a founding member of Telling Tales: Writers & Illustrators of Children’s Books.
Her soon-to-be published children’s book, Lucy’s Lopsided Web, has been selected to carry the imprimatur of
The Octagon House Press.
Ask Jane
Do You Have Complicated Grief?
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
T
he loss of a loved one is a universal experience, but one that causes pervasive sadness
that is distinct from the sadness caused by
other issues such as loss of a job, financial loss, or
loss of a home. Grief is a normal kind of sadness,
one that doesn’t mean there is something wrong
with you. It’s a life passage that most of us go
through, process and eventually heal from. That’s
why it’s not considered a mental disorder by the
mental health community.
Let me make a clear distinction between Grief
and Major Depression, which is a serious mental
health problem that requires treatment. Both Grief
and Major Depression involve deep sadness and
social isolation from the activities of normal life.
However, Grief also involves a sense of loss and
isolation that comes in waves, alternating with
positive memories of the deceased. In Major Depression, the sadness is constant and unrelenting,
and the thoughts are almost always negative. In
Grief, the person usually feels the same level of
self-esteem that they had prior to the loss, whereas
in Major Depression the person feels a sense of
guilt and worthlessness. (www.MayoClinic.org)
(DSM-5).
In normal Grief, the bereaved will experience
pain and loss for at least two months, sometimes
up to a year or more, after which they begin to accept the reality of what has happened, between the
waves of sadness. It’s important that the bereaved
not internalize the pain, but instead, let themselves
cry, experience it and express their Grief. In normal Grief, the bereaved will eventually begin to
adjust to the changes in their life as a result of
the loss, and start to socialize again. Life will be
changed, but it will go on, and there will be hope
again.
Grief becomes complicated when the feelings
do not resolve in reasonable time, and the sadness doesn’t come in waves, but is instead persistent and unrelenting. That constant state of loss
and sadness interferes with healing. Complicated
Grief can occur when the bereaved was very dependent on the deceased, and doesn’t know how
to go on and perform many of the tasks of daily
life that were performed by the deceased. It also is
likely to occur if the bereaved has no support system, if the deceased is their child, if the bereaved
has a history of Major Depression or if they are
not resilient and adaptable to change.
The symptoms of Complicated Grief include a
continued sense of mourning, persistent thoughts
of the deceased and continued reminders of them,
a sense that one cannot go on without them, bitterness, detachment, longing and pining for the deceased, continued focus on the loss to the exclusion of normal activities, lack of acceptance of the
loss, a feeling of meaninglessness of life, a feeling
of wishing you could join the bereaved (which is
not suicidal thinking), irritability, and an inability to remember the positive things about the deceased and your life together. The bottom line is,
if Grief has begun to interfere with your everyday
life to the point where you are unable to function,
you may have Complicated Grief.
If you think you have Complicated Grief, I rec-
ommend you talk to a Grief Counselor or therapist
who works with Grief and loss. There are clearly
times and circumstances under which Grief can
become an issue which requires intervention by a
mental health professional. If you have symptoms
such as unrelenting depressed mood, inability to
sleep, irritability, lack of energy, lack of appetite
or too much appetite, lack of caring about things
you normally would care about, lack of attention
to your hygiene or personal appearance, feelings
of guilt and worthlessness, you may have Major
Depression, which requires treatment from a mental health professional. If you or someone you love
show symptoms such as those above, don’t try to
diagnose yourself or someone else; leave that to
the professionals.
If you start to think about suicide and consider
ways to kill yourself, it’s crucial that you be evaluated by a psychiatric professional immediately.
Go to the emergency room, or call 911 for imme-
Grief involves a sense
of loss and isolation that
comes in waves, alternating
with positive memories
of the deceased. In Major
Depression, the sadness is
constant and unrelenting,
and the thoughts are almost
always negative.
diate help. Most people who consider suicide really want the pain to stop, and can be helped if a
mental health professional intervenes right away
to help them relieve the pain, either by talk therapy, medication, or possibly hospitalization, and
they are likely to want to live. That’s why imme-
diate intervention is necessary when there is any
suicidal thinking at all. There is also a National
Suicide Hotline, which is 1-800-273-TALK (1800-273-8255).
People with Complicated Grief may abuse
substances to relieve their pain, may be more susceptible to physical illness or exacerbation of a
chronic condition they already have, and may experience Major Depression, Posttraumatic Stress
Disorder, constant worries and unrealistic fears,
problems with sleep, and trouble functioning in
the normal activities of life.
The Center For Complicated Grief at the Columbia School of Social Work has a lovely, alternative way of viewing Grief. They see it as a form
of love, and want to help the bereaved honor those
feelings. They suggest seeking the support of others who have had the same experience, and gentle
focus on self-care as one heals.
If the death was the result of suicide, it’s a
traumatic form of Complicated Grief that cannot be understood by those who have not been
through it. There is a mix of powerful feelings
that include profound grieving, disbelief, shock,
numbness, anger, guilt and self-blame (“what if
I had done this, or not done that, I should have
known”, etc.), and a lack of closure, especially
if the deceased didn’t leave a suicide note. People who don’t understand tend to say insensitive
things, such as, “You’re young. You can always
get married again.” That’s why, in the case of suicide, the bereaved should seek out the support of
a group specific to Survivors of Suicide, and a
therapist or Grief counselor who has expertise in
this area.
I’d like to remind you that Grief itself is a
normal experience which doesn’t necessarily
require medical treatment or therapy. However,
someone with Complicated Grief ought to talk to
a Grief counselor and join a bereavement group;
whereas, someone with
Major Depression needs
to see a professional
therapist for treatment.
Again, don’t try to diagnose yourself or someone else. Get yourself
or your loved one to a
professional for evaluation of the problem, and
make a plan to address
it. It’s not necessary in
this day and age to suffer needlessly. Don’t
bottle up your feelings
and suffer in silence.
There is support, there
are people out there
who understand, there
is treatment and lots of
help available. There is
most definitely hope.
You can get better. Start
today. There is hope.
Resources:
•
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/
complicated-grief/basics/definition/con20032765?reDate=14122015
•
complicatedgrief.org/
•
socialwork.columbia.edu/research/researchprograms-projects/center-complicated-grief
•
www.suicide.org/support-groups/
connecticut-suicide-support-groups.html
•
www.survivorsofsuicide.com/
•
brianshealinghearts.org/
If you have questions or comments, email them
to me at [email protected].
Widow/er of History
Coretta Scott King
Marched On
By Lisa Saunders
Martin Luther King, Jr. & Coretta Scott King
Coretta Scott King with her husband and Vice President-elect Hubert
Humphrey on December 17, 1964.
I
t was 1968. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
was growing tired of marching, going to
jail, and receiving constant death threats.
Although there had been great victories in desegregation, the 39-year-old Baptist minister felt
progress in the civil rights movement was slow.
It had been over 12 years since Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat to a white man – the
incident that launched Martin as a leader in the
movement. It had been nearly five years since his
famous “I Have a Dream” speech from the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, which
included the line, “I have a dream that my four
little children will one day live in a nation where
they will not be judged by the color of their skin
but by the content of their character.”
Despite Martin’s weariness, he felt he should
march the day after Easter 1968, on Monday,
April 8, in support of the sanitation workers’
grievances in Memphis, Tennessee. On Wednesday, April 3, he left his wife, Coretta, and their
four children, ranging in age from five to 12,
back home in Atlanta, Georgia. Despite the delay in his flight because of a bomb threat against
him, he arrived in Memphis to give his speech
that evening. Referring to the bomb threat, he
said, “Like anybody, I would like to live a long
life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s
will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the
promised land. I may not get there with you. But
I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people,
will get to the promised land!”
The next day, Thursday, April 4, Coretta
took their oldest child, Yolanda, dress shopping
in preparation for Easter. Born less than three
weeks before seamstress Rosa Parks refused to
leave her seat in the front of the Negro section
to accommodate a white man, Yolanda and her
younger siblings grew up in the movement and
knew its dangers. After returning home with her
packages, Coretta received the call she had always feared. Jesse Jackson said, “Coretta, Doc
just got shot.” He had been on the balcony of
the Lorraine Motel when a sniper shot through
Martin’s right cheek at 6:01 p.m. He was unconscious.
Coretta immediately headed to the airport to
catch a flight to Memphis. Before takeoff, however, she learned Martin had died. The 40-yearold widow decided to return home to be with
her children that night. Coretta later wrote in
her autobiography, My Life with Martin Luther
King, Jr., about that silent car ride home. “As I
reflected, groping for meaning in this experience,
I realized that this was the Lenten season…It
was strange, yet reassuring, that his death would
come so close to the anniversary of the death of
his Lord and Master. I thought of how often Martin had drawn analogies in life to Good Friday
and Easter….He would say that the moments of
despair and doubt were the Good Fridays of life.
But, Martin always added, even in the darkest
moments, something happens and you hear the
drums of Easter. As the clouds of despair begin
to disperse, you realize that there is hope, and
life, and light, and truth.” Then she turned her
thoughts to what she was going to tell the children.
Coretta flew to Memphis the following day,
Good Friday, on a plane provided by Senator
Robert Kennedy, to accompany Martin’s body
back to Atlanta. On Saturday, Coretta was asked
if she would return to Memphis on Monday and
march in her husband’s place.
Yes, that is what Martin would have wanted
her to do. So the day before this funeral on Tuesday, she took her three oldest children to Memphis and marched to City Hall. She said, “In the
shock and sorrow of Martin’s death the federal
injunction against the march was either forgotten or rescinded; there was hardly a person in
America who would have dared or even wanted
to enforce it...There were dense crowds of people
along the route who did not cheer or wave, but
stood silent in Martin’s memory.”
The inspiration Coretta received from the
supporters in Memphis “helped me to get through
those first days and also the long days ahead.”
Born on April 27, 1927, Coretta Scott was
raised in Marion, Alabama, where she picked
cotton as a part-time job. After earning a B.A. in
music and education, she studied concert singing
at Boston’s New England Conservatory of Mu-
sic. While there in 1952, she met Martin Luther
King, Jr. who was studying for his doctorate in
systematic theology at Boston University. From
a prominent Atlanta family, Martin told her on
their first date that she filled the bill as a preacher’s wife: “The four things that I look for in a
wife are character, personality, intelligence and
beauty. And you have them all.”
But Coretta wasn’t initially impressed—she
thought he was too short. But she did admire
his intelligence and confidence. It took her six
months from the time he proposed to say yes.
Surrounded by 350 guests, she married Martin
in her parents’ garden in rural Alabama on June
18, 1953.
In September 1954, the couple moved to
Montgomery, Alabama, where Martin served
as pastor of the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church.
Less than three weeks after the birth of Yolanda,
on December 1, 1955, Rosa Parks refused to give
up her seat in the Negro section of an overcrowded bus to a white man. Martin’s time had come
to take on a leadership role in civil rights. He had
said, “Religion deals with both heaven and earth
....Any religion that professes to be concerned
with the souls of men and is not concerned with
the slums that doom them, the economic conditions that strangle them, and the social conditions that cripple them, is a dry-as-dust religion.”
Coretta supported Martin’s decision to take
on the cause and helped whenever she could between raising their growing family. She spoke
before churches, colleges, and performed a series
of Freedom Concerts which combined writings
with music. In 1964, Coretta went to Norway
with Martin where he received the Nobel Peace
Prize.
Now Martin was gone, but injustice was not.
Coretta said, “In the same way that I had given
him all the support I could during his lifetime, I
was even more determined to do so now that he
was no longer with us. Because his task was not
finished, I felt that I must rededicate myself to
the completion of his work.”
Of course she had other concerns beyond
the civil rights movement. She told Dr. Ralph
Bryson, a friend from Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church, “I’ll never get over Martin’s death but I have to raise our children, and
I’m going to do the very best that I can to do
that.” She raised them to care about the cause.
Coretta Scott King attends the signing of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Day by President Ronald Reagan on November 2, 1983.
At first, Coretta used Martin’s words in her
speeches and writings, but then she began speaking from her own heart and took on other causes.
When she spoke for Martin at the Poor People’s
Campaign at the Lincoln Memorial on June 19,
1968, she not only shared his vision, but she
asked women “to unite and form a solid block
of women power to fight the three great evils of
racism, poverty and war.”
Coretta traveled throughout the world speaking on human rights and consulted with many
world leaders such as Nelson Mandela. In 1985,
she and three of her children were arrested at
the South African embassy in Washington, DC,
for protesting against apartheid. Eventually she
stood with Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg
when he became South Africa’s first democratically-elected president.
Coretta founded the Martin Luther King, Jr.
Center for Nonviolent Social Change in Atlanta,
which trains people from all over the world in
Martin’s ideals and methods. Her other major
goal was to establish Martin’s birthday as a national holiday. After years of lobbying, in January 1986, she oversaw the first legal holiday in
honor of him.
Coretta died on January 30, 2006, at the age
of 78. She and Martin now lie together in a memorial crypt at The King Center’s Freedom Hall
Complex. While Martin’s half of the grave marker
reads: “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty I’m Free at Last,” Coretta’s reads: “And
now abide Faith, Hope, Love, These Three; but
the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13.
Now a 23-acre national historic park, The
King Center attracts one million visitors a year.
The grounds include Martin’s birth home and
the King Library and Archives, which, according to the Center’s website, contains “the largest repository of primary source materials on Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr. and the American Civil
Rights Movement in the world… The archives
also include more than 200 oral history interviews with Dr. King’s teachers, friends, family
and civil rights associates.” Learn more: www.
thekingcenter.org.
Visit www.pathfindermag.com > READ
ONLINE > 1-2016 EDITION JANUARY/
FEBRUARY for bibliography.
Nutrition
Four One-Dish
Dinner Ideas
By Rosemary Collins, RDN
W
hat’s to cook for dinner in January?
The perfect thing to warm you up on a winter’s day is some comfort food! Even better is something that can be cooked in one dish, pot, pan or slow cooker. Just after the
holiday season too, its nice to be inspired by some tasty but healthier choices. If you are cooking
just for yourself don’t be put off by the larger quantities. A tasty soup prepared in a slow cooker can
be put into batches for the week ahead or popped in the freezer for a ready to go meal!
I have had fun looking at all the creative and delicious ways that dinner can be cooked in one
dish, skillet, Dutch oven, pot, pan or slow cooker. So these recipes are ready for you to cook up
something delicious all in one go!
And only one pan to wash up!
>>>
Chili-Lime
Chicken and
Sweet Potato
Skillet
(Adapted from Sweet Peas and
Saffron)
Serves 4-6
INGREDIENTS
2 large chicken breasts cut into 1 inch cubes
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 large sweet potato cut into 1/2 inch cubes approx. 4
cups
2 bell peppers sliced or diced
1/2 red onion diced
2 tsp. ground cumin
1/4 tsp. red pepper flakes
1 cup chicken stock
Grated zest from one lime
1 can black beans spicy, drained
Fresh cilantro leaves to garnish
Salt and pepper to season to taste
Lime wedges to garnish and a
squeeze of lime juice
DIRECTIONS
1.In a large skillet or pan, heat
1 tablespoon of olive oil over
medium heat. Add the chicken,
and brown (approximately 6
minutes).
2.Remove the chicken and
place on one side. Add one
more tablespoon of olive oil to
the pan. Add the sweet potato
and cook for 10-12 minutes until
gently browned. This gives a
nice look to the finished dish.
3.Add the bell peppers, red
onion, red pepper flakes, cumin,
salt and pepper and cook until just soft. Return the
chicken to the pan add the stock; stir until everything
is well combined.
4.Cover and cook for another 10 minutes or so, stirring
once or twice. Chicken and sweet potatoes should be
cooked.
5.Add the black beans, grated lime zest and cook
until heated through. Taste and adjust seasoning if
necessary. Garnish with fresh coriander and lime
slices.
>>>
Cauliflower,
Leek and
Cheddar
Soup
(Recipe and photo courtesy of
Cabot)
Makes 2 large or 4 small
servings
INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 leeks sliced (use white part of the leek)
1 small head of cauliflower cut into florets about 9
ounces
3 cups of lower sodium vegetable broth
5 ounces sharp cheddar shredded
Black Pepper to taste
Handful of chopped chives to garnish (optional)
DIRECTIONS
1.In a Dutch Casserole heat the olive oil and sauté
leeks for 5-8 minutes until slightly browned.
2.Add cauliflower florets and broth, cover
and let it simmer for 20-25 minutes until
softened.
3.Allow to cool slightly and blend with a hand
held blender to a velvety consistency.
4.Bring it back to a simmer and then add
cheese letting it melt slowly. Once melted,
taste and adjust seasonings as needed. Add
a little extra broth to adjust the thickness if
you wish. Garnish with chives just before
serving.
>>>
One Pan Roast
Tenderloin
with Apple and
Roasted Winter
Vegetables
Serves 4
This is a great recipe for Sundays in winter – a
simple and easy roast that cooks in one pan.
Leftovers make the perfect Monday meal or simply
put in single portions and freeze.
INGREDIENTS
1 1.5 lb. pork tenderloin
3 carrots & 3 medium parsnips peeled and chopped
length ways
1 medium red onion coarsely sliced
1 medium apple coarsely chopped
2 cloves garlic thinly sliced
8 baby potatoes quartered
1 tbs. fresh chopped herbs or dried herbs if you don’t
have any in the house
1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
1 tsp. olive oil
2 tbs. white wine
Salt and pepper to taste
RUB:
1 tbsp. brown sugar
2 tsp. Paprika
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. garlic power
1/2 tsp. black pepper
GLAZE/SAUCE:
2 tbsp. applesauce
1 tbsp. brown sugar
1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar
This is
a great
recipe
for Sundays in
winter – a simple
and easy roast
that cooks in one
pan. Leftovers
make the perfect
Monday meal
or simply put in
single portions
and freeze.”
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
DIRECTIONS
1.Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2.Prepare the rub, cover the surface of the pork lightly
with 1 tsp. olive oil then rub on the dry mixture.
3.Place the pork loin in the center of a 9 by 13 baking
dish; fat side down.
4.In a large bowl, toss the carrots, parsnips and other
vegetables with the cider vinegar, olive oil, salt pepper
and white wine. Arrange in the baking dish around the
sides of the pork. Cover the dish lightly with tin foil.
5.Roast pork and vegetables for 30 minutes, remove foil
then flip the tenderloin over.
6.Mix the glaze ingredients; baste pork with most of
the sauce and cook on for another 10-20 minutes
until cooked, check temperature with meat probe 145
degrees F. Vegetables should be lightly browned.
7.Remove from oven, baste pork with the remaining
sauce and allow to rest for 5 minutes before serving.
>>>
Slow Cooker
Dahl
(Adapted from Holy Cow! vegan
recipes)
Makes 2 large or 4 small
servings
This is an Indian inspired recipe easy to cook along
in the slow cooker during a winter’s day to give a
healthy and filling vegetarian dish. Give it a try!
INGREDIENTS
1 cup red lentils
1 medium onion finely chopped
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. turmeric
1/2 cup tomato puree
4 packed cups of greens – kale or spinach
4 cups of vegetable stock
Salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup chopped coriander
A few drops of lemon juice
DIRECTIONS
1.Soak the lentils in enough water to cover them by an
inch.
2.Put the crockpot on a high setting and once it is quite
hot add the onions, garlic and ginger along with a
couple of tablespoons of water.
3.Season with salt and pepper; cook until onions are
translucent about 10 minutes. Put the lid on to hold
the temperature and speed up cooking.
4.Add the greens and the tomato puree and mix well.
Add the turmeric. Stir.
5.Drain the lentils and add them to the onions and
greens and stir to mix well. Add 4 cups of vegetable
stock and mix thoroughly.
6.Put the lid on the crockpot. Cook for about 3 hours on
a high setting. If the mixture starts to dry add another
1-2 cups of vegetable stock. Cooking times will also
vary depending on the size of crockpot.
7.When the lentils are thoroughly cooked and are at a
thick soup like consistency stir well, taste and add any
extra seasoning.
8.Squeeze on a few drops of lemon juice and garnish
with some fresh chopped coriander.
Entertainment
The Widow’s Guide
to Sex & Dating
–Comedic Novel About Next
Chapter in Young Widow’s Life
By Amy J. Barry
T
he title of Carole Radziwill’s first novel, The Widow’s Guide to Sex & Dating
may seem a little off-putting to those
who know Radziwill as a three-time Emmy
award-winning journalist, who spent more than a
decade reporting for ABC News from around the
world, including the front lines of Afghanistan.
And if you’ve read her moving New York
Times bestselling memoir, What Remains, about
her husband, Anthony Radziwill, an ABC News
producer of Polish royalty, who died in 1999
when she was just 34 years old, you also may
scratch your head.
But 15 years later, Radziwill has moved on
in her grief journey to a place where she can see
both the pathos and humor in life, and has writ-
ten a quick-paced, engaging novel about Claire
Byrne, an attractive and offbeat 34-year old New
Yorker married to Charles Byrne, a renowned
sexologist, who is charming and interesting, but
unfaithful, believing that love and sex are mutually exclusive.
In a bizarre accident, Charlie is suddenly
struck dead on the sidewalk by a falling Giacometti statue and over the course of a year, the
grieving Claire goes on a binge of bad choices
and dating misadventures before discovering
true love for the first time.
In the following interview, Radziwill talks
about her new novel and what she’s learned from
her own experiences about the unpredictability
of life.
Carole Radziwill
Q. When/how did you make the leap into
fiction from your memoir What Remains to
this darkly comedic novel?
A. I thought about it before I wrote the memoir. I had just started dating, I was still at ABC
News, and was thinking about leaving—around
the time I came back from Afghanistan. I was
telling a bunch of girlfriends silly dating stories
(Anna Gunselman)
and they said, “You should write these down, it
would be a funny book.” Yeah, right (I thought),
a novel about life after death. I was still in the
throes of grieving, not in a funny place of mind.
I realized I actually wanted to write my own
story. And honestly, I thought I’d write my life
story as a novel. I’m a very private person. I
hadn’t written about my marriage or famous inlaws. But it became clear, the story was so nuts,
it didn’t seem believable. And the threshold for
believability in fiction has to be higher than in
a memoir. In a memoir readers will take a leap
of faith with a writer because (their story) really
happened. Whereas, if you write (a memoir) as
fiction, it’s too weird to be true. Many years later
I went back to writing the novel.
Q. How is Claire
based on you and
how is she different?
A. Certainly my
experience was completely different than
Claire’s. I did that on
purpose. But I knew
she’d be based on
my own experience.
I knew she wasn’t
going to be a messy
widow—and get into
drugs and alcohol.
She was me when
I started writing it.
She’s much more self
aware,
pragmatic,
and practical than I
was. Yet she did get
a little of my neurotic
tendencies.
When
you’re writing a novel, you can give your
characters the things
you wished you said,
but didn’t think of until you were in the cab after dinner. You get to write the happy ending that
maybe you didn’t get.
Q. How about Charlie? Why a renowned
sexologist as Claire’s husband?
A. I didn’t want a comparison between Claire
and me, and my husband and the husband in the
book. I wanted him to be the complete opposite
of Anthony: egomaniacal, narcissistic. I’m not
sure where the sexologist came to be—maybe my
own kind of interest in all things sexual. Some of
Charlie is me, too. Those perverse, weird, analytical aspects of Charlie are actually really me.
Q. Charlie didn’t die in the most ordinary
of
circumstances.
He was struck dead
on the sidewalk by
a famous sculpture.
Why did you choose
such
a
bizarre
death?
A. Claire’s husband can’t die from
cancer because that’s
not funny. I had read
A Shocking Accident
by Graham Greene
that’s set in Italy. A
man was killed when
a pig fell out of a
window. The modern version of that is
in New York things
fall out of the sky all
the time—air conditioners and cranes. I
thought I’d turn the
pig into an expensive
Giacometti
statue,
and then make it a
fake. I thought that was even funnier.
Q. Your background is in serious international reporting, and this novel deals with
somber themes, of grief and emotional pain,
but is also very funny. Are you naturally funny?
A. In year three, after my husband died, I
Life isn’t
short,
it’s sooo
long, and to have
a successful life,
you have to have a
lot of experiences,
both good and bad,
and the richer
your life will be.”
found my sense of humor. It was more lifesaving
then going to therapy, the year I took Wellbutrin.
I don’t know if I was always naturally funny. I
was a pretty serious kid and young adult with a
serious job, doing serious stuff. It was finding
the laughter and ridiculousness of life that really
saved me. My husband was very funny. I think he
left that for me.
Q. Claire learns and grows from her experience. She reinvents herself after hitting a
lot of bumps along the way. Was that important to you that your main character didn’t
stay stuck in grief, but moved on and found a
greater love, had a second chance at life?
A. It was important. It wasn’t like my novel
had to have a happy ending. But it was important
for me to have her discover who she is and what
she wants out of life. She was the moon in her relationships, and in the end, she realizes she wants
to be the star, and I wanted her to be the star.
Q. Speaking of stars, you’re starring in
Bravo’s The Real Housewives of New York City.
How did that happen?
A. I was at a point in my life, when I was
(asked to be on the show) and I said, “I don’t
know. Sure.” Sometimes you just have to say yes
to what the universe puts in front of you, even if
it seems counterintuitive, unproductive. I live my
life and see where it goes… Life isn’t short, it’s
sooo long, and to have a successful life, you have
to have a lot of experiences, both good and bad,
and the richer your life will be.
The Widow’s Guide to Sex & Dating (St.
Martin’s Griffin Press) by Carole Radziwill is
$15.99, softcover.
This article is reprinted with permission from
The Day.
5 Reasons
To Take A Staycation
Vacation
Mystic Seaport, CT
(Patricia Ann Chaffee)
S
taycations are vacations taken at home or in
nearby towns, villages, or even neighboring states. And I’m not talking about arm
chair travelers as that’s a vacation of a whole other
kind. I’m talking about venturing out to enjoy our
surroundings that are as close as our back yards or
as far as a few hours drive. The term “staycations”
has only been around a decade or so and became
big when gas prices were high, and folks wanted
an economical escape. Today, it’s easy enough to
go online and book a trip to the Bahamas in midwinter, but why? When there is so much to see
and do right in Connecticut and beyond. These
days, with work and life schedules as insanely jam
packed as they are, it’s essential to take time off,
make time for these accessible adventures, and
staycations are a great way to go. Here are five
reasons to embrace your staycation vacation.
1. It’s financially wise and supports local
economy
Sometimes lack of time and resources keep us
close to home, but it’s there that the treasures lay.
Connecticut is chock full of natural beauty, abundant history, artistic expression, relaxing retreats
and family fun. There are so many places to see
that we never get to enjoy from within our office
cubicles or living room couch. It is cost effective
to enjoy these local experiences because you don’t
have the travel expense of going far. It also helps
our local economy and gives us greater appreciation of the places, the culture, food, and unique
offerings in your own state, when we dare to seek
them out.
(Patricia Ann Chaffee)
Tourism is thriving in Connecticut as a $14
billion dollar industry that employs 80,000 people, which equates to more than five percent of
all jobs in the state, according to the Connecticut
Office of Tourism.
“One of the great things about living in Connecticut is getting to enjoy all four seasons,” said
tourism program and communications manager,
Meagan Occhiogrosso. “People think they need to
leave the state to do something fun. But that’s not
true. There is a certain kind of charm in Connecticut.”
She points out that visiting a spa resort like
The Spa at Norwich Inn, is a great winter activity
and something you can do alone or with a friend.
At The Saybrook Point Inn and Spa they have a
coveted lighthouse suite that sits at the mouth of
the Connecticut River. There is no shortage of museums to visit as well as breweries to tour, award
winning restaurants, cozy Bed & Breakfasts and
captivating casinos.
2. Approach your adventure with a sense of
mystery and wonder
“If you feel stuck or get the winter blues, get
into the car and just drive,” said author of Consummate Connecticut – Day Trips with Panache,
Stacy Lytwyn. Planning a driving tour around the
state can be a real adventure when you open yourself to the endless possibilities that may be around
each corner. “Even if you only travel for a cup of
java and a blueberry muffin at a local coffee shop,”
she says, “One little trip can make that 190 degree
turn for a better day. One of my favorite adages
that I, myself live by is, ‘move a muscle, change
a thought.’” So if winter doldrums are plaguing
you, now is the time for a staycation.
Stacy gives presentations around the state
about “Day Trips for Healing and Wellness.” “It
really shows the benefit of investing in ‘experiences’ not just ‘things,’” she says. “Things are
certainly important, but let me tell you, whether
it is at the beginning, middle or end of life, every ‘thing’ pales next to human connection. I’m
always trying to push people to go, travel, learn,
explore and live, really live...for in the end, as you
get older, if you have matured in a healthy way,
off season hold a special energy and sometimes
you know you cannot beat the clock, but you sure special surprises as we walk along the shores. The
can pack in those precious moments.”
Meigs Point Nature Center at Hammonasset State
About traveling alone, Stacy offers some insight:
Park in Madison is open year round and word has
“If you can’t have an awesome time with yourself,
it, seals can occasionally be found lounging in the
then you are not going to have a good time with anysand. Imagine the serendipitous experience of meone else. Period. I learned firsthand more than five
andering along a beach on a winter’s day, to find
decades ago how one day trip can morph positive a seal in your path. It’s those kinds of experience
change into the rest of your life. I was in my early that remind us that anything is possible and staytwenties, and suffering from a lot of internal anguish.
ing local means stress free travel.
One day feeling very alone with a head of negative
If beaches don’t appeal to you there are plenty
self-talk, I decided to take a ride
of parks inland with
from Fairfield (CT) to Coventry.
hiking trails. The LiA young journalist at the time, I
tchfield Hills is home
had been fascinated by the health
to Wisdom House Rebenefits of fresh herbs. Back then,
treat and Conference
Caprilands, a 69-acre herb farm,
Center and if getting
was so synonymous with Covenaway for some peace
try that I kept calling that particuand quiet sounds good,
lar northeast corner of the state
that’s the place to do
‘Caprilands, Connectiit. You can sign up
cut.’ Once there, I confor one of their many
nected with nature and
programs, bring your
solitude. I connected
journal or art supplies or just
with the famous herbgo to enjoy the silence. Try out
alist Adelma Grenier
their drum circle program. This
Simmons, who passed
is your time and it’s all about
away in 1997. Most of
you and what feels good and
all this experience conright. Sometimes it is the act of
nected me with myself
getting out of the house and into
and sparked curiosity
new space that can transform us.
and renewed my hope,
which inspired a jour- (above) Horse drawn sleigh at
4. Embrace tradition and the
ney in living a life cen- Allegra Farm.
arts
tered around positive (below) Stacy Lytwyn
Ice skating and sledding are
thought and action.
favorite pastimes that harken
“All these decades later my solo trips continue
back to simpler times. If a Courier and Ives activto gift me with so many things – from inner heal- ity is your idea of fun, check out a horse drawn
ing to meeting all kinds of people on my travels. sleigh ride at Allegra Farms in East Haddam. It
I love to take my time and savor each moment.”
is the largest authentic livery stable in Connecticut. Follow it up with a stop at a local cafè for
3. Consider the healing potential
hot chocolate and it just might not get better than
Stacy considers winter a healing time, and that. Going on the hunt for a one of a kind item at
has an appreciation for beaches and the shoreline antique shops around the state can be great fun,
during this chilly off season. A walk in nature of
especially in the northeast, Quiet Corner. If being
any kind is always a refreshing and rejuvenating
out in nature isn’t your thing, the arts in every conexperience even in midwinter. But the beaches ceivable form manifest itself throughout the state
at museums, art galleries, open studios, theatre
and venue’s like The Katharine Hepburn Cultural
Arts Center in Old Saybrook and the Goodspeed
Opera House in East Haddam. Fairs and festivals
indoors and out, run all year round and if history
is your passion, a stop at Mystic Seaport is never
a disappointment.
5. Sometimes it’s just about plain old fun
There is so much
to see and do in
Connecticut...Open a
map, close your eyes
and point a finger.
The Connecticut Science Center will appeal to the kid in all of us while Coco Key Water
Resort and Convention Center in Waterbury is a
full fledged resort offering family friendly fun.
There are cruises on the Connecticut River February through October at Connecticut River Expeditions. If lions and tigers and bears sound fun,
check out the Beardsley Zoo in Bridgeport where
they have 300 animals and a year round carousel.
And lastly, if you have a truly adventurous spirit,
head on over to Powder Ridge Mountain Park and
Resort for skiing, snowboarding or snow tubing.
There is so much to see and do in Connecticut, whether you are looking to curl up at a B&B
with a good book, scale mountains, traverse zip
lines, wander deserted beaches, shop til you drop,
or take in a show. It’s as simple as making the decision to treat yourself to a staycation vacation.
Open a map, close your eyes and point a finger.
Wherever you are in Connecticut a staycation is
just outside your door.
“It’s when you don’t want to go anywhere that
you really need to,” said Stacy. “In a very turbulent world it’s nice to know I can still go to the
Goodspeed Opera House for a production.”
Consummate Connecticut is available at:
www.amazon.com/Consummate-ConnecticutDay-Trips-Panache/dp/0977123006.
Staycation Resources:
CT Office of Tourism: www.ct.gov/cct/cwp/view.
asp?a=3948&q=464698
www.CTVisit.com
www.VisitConnecticut.com
www.goodspeed.org
www.ctriverexpeditions.org
www.katharinehepburntheater.org
www.saybrook.com
www.cocokeywaterbury.com
www.ctriverexpeditions.org
meigspointnaturecenter.org/aboutus.html
www.CTScienceCenter.org
www.thespaatnorwichinn.com
www.allegrafarm.com/sleigh-rides.html
www.wisdomhouse.org
www.beardsleyzoo.com/visitor-info/
powderridgepark.com/activities/tubing
Home
Voluntary Simplicity
Leads to Intentional Living
F
or many folks, the phrase “voluntary
simplicity” conjures up images of Henry David Thoreau living the simple life
on Walden Pond. With a reverence for nature and
seeking time to write as well as to distance himself from people, he lived in a one room cabin in
Concord, Massachusetts for just over two years,
from 1845 to 1847. His cabin had a single bed, a
writing desk, a fireplace and a couple chairs for
visitors, the ultimate simple living. Today, our idea
of simple living might include a few more things.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live
deliberately,” he wrote in Walden, “to front only
the essential facts of life, and see if I could not
learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to
die, discover that I had not lived.”
This thought of reaching the end of life only
to realize we have not lived fully, is a sad proposition, prompting many of us these days, to embrace
various levels of voluntary simplicity. To live with
greater consciousness and intention means living
deliberately in all aspects of our lives.
While many admire Thoreau for his choice to
live deliberately in the woods, writing about his
adventure in Walden which was first published in
1854, many contemporary writers have continued
to expand on the benefits of voluntary simplicity.
This has created a resurgence of interest in getting in touch with what is really important in life
and the freedom that comes with that discovery.
Simple living means different things to different
people and each of us need to decide for ourselves
what that means and what steps bring us closer to
living more intentionally. For many people a major
life change can spark just such an interest.
Author Wanda Urbanska has published nine
books including The Heart of Simple Living: 7
Paths to a Better Life. She has been enlightening
people about simple living since 2004 when she
brought Simple Living with Wanda Urbanska to
public television. It was the first national series advocating simpler living and ran for four years on
PBS stations across America. Her shows can still
be viewed today on Hulu.com and she is as delightfully humble, authentic and down to earth as
she appears on PBS. Today, she is living simply
in Raleigh, North Carolina, and although she has
stepped away from simple living advocacy in a na-
Henry David Thoreau’s cabin on Walden Pond.
tional way, to take on work as President of the Jan
Karski Educational Foundation, she says simple
living is in her DNA.
My definition of simple living
“My definition of simple living is, if it is a
tabletop it stands on four legs: environmental
stewardship, thoughtful consumption, community
involvement and financial responsibility,” says
Wanda. “These four main areas are interlinked.
Environmental stewardship to me is at the heart of
simple living because you are concerned with your
impact on the planet and being mindful of your
footprint. People feel like it is too big an issue to
make a difference, but it’s better to take some small
step.”
Something as simple as a birdbath can have
an impact. There are multiple and overlapping
benefits to simple living that can be as small as
organizing your home, balancing your work and
home life, becoming more frugal, or being more
conscious about what you bring into your home.
Thoughtful consumption is connected to environmental stewardship. It is really thinking about what
you buy before you buy it.
“Buy used if you can. Buy locally if you can.
Sometimes that means paying more for things. Establish a relationship with providers,” she advises.
Wanda recently gave her mechanic a copy of
her latest book. “I know he will be looking out for
my best interest. When we interact it’s a point of
pleasure. We have a wonderful relationship, not
just a monetary interaction.” This is community
building. Community involvement is about making connections with people and developing relationships. It is about creating community in that
moment as well as longer term communities that
are established with neighbors, co-workers, etc.
That’s a part of simple living. Community is one
thing that may have been neglected when a loved
one has been ill. Reestablishing bonds of friendship and community are important as a part of simplifying life, but also in finding much needed support in the wake of loss.
The fourth leg of the table is financial responsibility. Wanda chooses to drive an older model
car and so she finds herself going to her mechanic
more often. Transportation choices have multiple
and overlapping benefits whether taking public
transportation, purchasing smaller cars, or used
cars.
“I really think that Americans are understanding that possessions possess you,” she says. “More
is not better. Our culture is moving into more of
a sharing economy rather than an individualistic
one. We begin to realize, ‘I don’t need all this stuff
to be happy.’ We are seeking a better understanding
of what is meaningful. People are on a quest for
meaning.”
The Europeanization of American life
“I call it the Europeanization of American life.
And what I mean by that is, the simple living I
advocated in my book and show is not moving to
a teepee but taking what we have in modern life
and tweaking it, making spaces smaller, not using shopping for recreation, etc. I love the word
‘Lagom,’ it’s a Swedish word for ‘enough.’ I am
impressed with the Scandinavian and Polish cultures with regard to a way of living with smaller
spaces and fewer things,” Wanda says.
It seems that we need to develop a better understanding of what is enough. And in doing so, we
tap into what is meaningful in life and a way of living that is conscious of the earth, of each other, balanced, non-consumeristic, and just plain simpler.
Wanda has found herself in a transitional sort of
place that calls her to tap into those simple living
roots and honor not only the changes in her life, but
the opportunity the changes present.
Over the past several months, Wanda has dealt
with the loss of a pet, a broken engagement, caring
for an aging mother, cleaning out her home and relocating her Mom hours away, and moving herself
to smaller space.
“I had been planning a life with a partner and
suddenly find myself without a partner and alone,”
she says. Her Mom, Marie had been living with
her in a property they purchased together in 2010.
They shared dinner every night, but had their own
private living spaces. Now Marie is hours away.
“We miss each other terribly,” says Wanda. The
cat she had for 13 years was given away when she
got engaged, because her fiance’ was adamant that
he didn’t wants pets. And Wanda is now living in
Wanda Urbanska
Marie’s little old cottage on the three unit property
moving from 1800 square feet to 800. She has no
regrets about the relationship, although she does
regret losing her cat.
“This new situation and letting go of past realities is giving me an opportunity to live in a laboratory of simple living. To try to bring into play the
principles and mechanisms that I believe are transformative,” she says.
Right-size your living situation
“I feel like I’ve right-sized my living situation. People really resist this for a lot of reasons.
Downsizing and letting go of precious possessions
can be daunting. But it represents the opportunity
to recreate your life.” (Wanda admits that her organizational skills still need to be tweaked as she
temporarily misplaced her notes for this interview.) “I’m actually living the way I’m advocating, smaller, greener. These new changes in my life
We need to develop a better
understanding of what is
enough. And in doing so, we
tap into what is meaningful
in life.
have sad elements but it also represents a chance
to re-charge my life on my terms, doing things my
way, setting up a life that embodies the principles
of simple living.” One small thing she does is saving organic waste and burying it in her backyard
for compost, and recycling, a practice her fiancè
had no interest in.
“There is a sense of freedom in being able to
embrace what is true for me. It’s exciting. There
is liberation in being able to steer your own ship.
Should I stay?
Should I sell?
As you begin to contemplate your future real estate
needs please feel free to contact us for accurate
information. We will be happy to listen to your
situation and provide helpful guidance as you begin
this portion of your journey.
– Deb, Leslie & Colleen
“The Fountain~Timmons Team”
860-303-0968
[email protected]
316 Main Street, Niantic, CT 06357
Especially if you are doing it in such a way that
aligns yourself with your own core values. It forces
you to dig deeper (to recognize what those values
might be).
“The take away for a widow/er is, even if they
loved the person deeply, they were still part of a
couple. As such there were two people making decisions. Now is an opportunity to focus on your
philosophy and how you want to live.”
Wanda is a passionate advocate for living in
smaller spaces. “The tiny house movement is very
much a reflection of the change in societal values
and the re-evaluation of our consumer society.
People are saying, ‘We don’t need all this stuff.’
The stuff owns us rather than us owning it. It forces
us to be thoughtful about every item that comes
into your space.”
Curate your life
Marie is a clutterbug and she keeps things forever. So when it came time for her to move, Wanda
curated her life, going mindfully and sensitively
through each item. “You can’t assume loved ones
will want these things when you’re gone. You are doing them a favor to curate your life. Think about every single thing that comes into your life. Ask yourself, ‘Do you want it? Do you need it?’ If not, pass
it on to someone else who might. It was a great joy
for me to donate a mountain of books when I moved.
Then we gave about 600 books away to local library
from Marie’s collection acquired as a retired professor, reader and writer. I’m happy that someone might
want it and can raise money for local libraries.”
Voluntary simplicity is not about living on the
cheap, or living an impoverished existence. It is
about being mindful about how we want to live our
life, and making choices that bring us greater fulfillment, greater authenticity and more meaning.
Consider how you spend your time, your resources, your energy and if what you discover leaves you
longing for something more, consider making life
just a little more simple and a lot more meaningful.
The Heart of Simple Living: 7 Paths to a Better
Life by Wanda Urbanska can be found at: www.
amazon.com/Heart-Simple-Living-Paths-Better/
dp/1440204519/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443
632580&sr=8-1&keywords=wanda+urbanska.
Spirituality
Sound Healer
Creates Good Vibrations
R
obert Austin trained to be a cook and
worked his way up to being a corporate
chef of a hotel chain, and later for the
banking industry, preparing delectable food for
dignitaries from places like Europe, the Caribbean, and Central America. His food created nothing but good vibrations as he satiated the palate
of many fortunate enough to taste his culinary
creations. But while living and working in Miami, Florida he sensed a calling to trade his mixing and salad bowls, in for Crystal and Tibetan
singing bowls and a sound healer was born. He
had accomplished everything he wanted to as a
chef and it was time to move on.
He switched coasts and moved from Miami
on the east coast, to Englewood on the Gulf of
Mexico with an eye on a new life. “It was a different coast. I could become anything I wanted,”
says Robert. “It was more serene, less populated
and people were more respectful of the environment.” He became a Reiki master and while on
this journey within, this place of new enlightenment, he attended his first crystal bowl concert at
a local “new age” store.
“I was mesmerized. My eyes were popping
out of my head as I listened to the sounds of
beautiful, spiritual, angelic energies.”
Robert incorporated crystal bowl meditation into his Reiki practice. Reiki is a Japanese
technique for stress reduction and relaxation that
promotes healing and is administered through
laying on of hands and is based on the idea that
a “life force energy” flows through us, according to www.Reiki.org. The sounds created by the
crystal bowls complemented his healing practice
in a non-invasive but powerful way.
“The high vibrations of the crystal bowls will
clear any kind of negative energy of a person,”
says Robert. “Crystal bowls can relax you and
release the stress. People can release stress and
release pain. It’s truly amazing. Crystal bowls
are like an angelic energy. It’s like the angels are
all around you.” Robert began with a set of seven
crystal bowls representing the seven chakras and
his collection grew into what he calls a “family
of bowls.” He adds, “They all have personalities.
You must find your own bowl spirit.”
One experience he offers people is to put
their feet in an 18" crystal bowl filled with Styrofoam peanuts while he plays the front of the bowl
with a suede mallet. His 96 year old mother often
plays with him at concerts, when he goes to assisted living facilities and rehabilitation centers.
to put the body back in harmony. Through listening and integrating the sound into your body, the
vibrations help to harmonize the whole person.
“The power of the mind is very potent. When
dealing with stagnant energy, like arthritis it’s
not necessarily a life sentence. There are things
you can do. You can break up that stagnant energy from carpel tunnel, fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s
Disease. You can release that pain,” he says.
The crystal bowls were designed for the computer industry back in 1969-1970. The bowls are
Robert Austin
He plays outdoors in community parks, yoga
centers and other places conducive to the experience. Pain can be released during a concert and
often works well when he places a bowl directly
on the body. The vibrations go deep into the organs, muscles, etc.
Tibetan brass bowls are also used in a similar
way in his practice and time and again he has
seen healing take place through these vibrational
healing modalities. The intention of the bowls is
made of a quartz powder that is fused together
not unlike the glass making process. One of the
most common is the frosted crystal bowl that has
a translucent appearance and is played with a
rubber or suede mallet. The bowls have all different notes relating to the seven chakras or energy
fields of the body, the root chakra, sacral, solar
plexis, heart, throat, third eye and crown chakras,
and range in size from 6-28 inches.
“The bowls can also be used with medita-
tion, (yoga or chanting.) There is a spirit being in
the bowl whether you want to believe it or not,”
says Robert. “It’s almost like a spiritual friend.
The bowl is there to help. Crystal bowls clear
the auric energy. It goes into the body via a concert, meditation, or resting on the body. Vibrations from Tibetan brass bowls go very deep into
the body and are made from precious metals of
mother earth. They can effect change creating a
subtle sound massage.”
In March Robert attended the 9th Annual
Physicians Round Table Conference in Orlando
as an alternative healing method that is increas(clockwise
from top)
Robert Austin
performing
crystal bowl
therapy; Robert
with his
mother, Jennie
Starseed; a
Tibetan brass
singing bowl.
ingly being recognized
as a valued therapy.
This is the fourth year
he has been invited to
participate in that conference.
Dr. Mitchell Gaynor is a board certified medical oncologist and clinical assistant professor
of medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College in
New York. Dr. Gaynor also served as the medical director and director of medical oncology at
the Weill Cornell Center for Complementary and
Integrative Medicine and has published several
books including Sounds of Healing: A Physician Reveals the Therapeutic Power of Sound,
Voice, and Music (Broadway Books 1999) and
The Healing Power of Sound (Shambhala 2002).
Since 1991 Dr. Gaynor has been using complementary healing modalities such as chant, music,
meditation and crystal bowls along with traditional medical practices with reported remarkable results lending scientific credibility to the
healing power of sound.
When Robert was 16 years old a spirit medium told him he would one day heal people
with his hands. With a self-taught, spirit led, 15
year journey toward the power of sound healing,
Robert performs bowl concerts along the east
coast, often paired with yoga or meditation. With
nothing but good vibrations, his bowl concerts
involve playing 40-50 bowls, 15 crystal
bowls, Tibetan bowls, an Australian didgeridoo, rain sticks and gongs, all played as
an offering to heal and put bodies back into
their natural harmonious balance.
“They (the bowls) can also be used to
honor someone who has passed,” says Robert. “There is so much that the bowls can do. You
go on to a journey to listen to your body. We can
use the power of the mind to heal ourselves. We
have to let go of negative experiences and enjoy
positive experiences in life. We can choose to be
happy or sad. We can envision healing and release pain and stress. Sound can heal the body or
heal a broken heart.”
For more information about Robert Austin visit www.crystalbowlsoundhealer.com and
to view one of his concerts visit www.youtube.
com/watch?v=aKqXEI4bJNs#t=48.
Expressive Arts
T
Is it possible
that paint
can get us
unstuck?
It sure is…
here are so many times in life
when we feel stuck, unable
to move forward, hurt, angry,
abandoned, or fearful. We can be stuck
because of childhood or even adult
trauma, by relationships gone sour, by
ill health, financial worries, loss of a
loved one or even something as simple
as an unkind word from someone we
look up to. It doesn’t take much on
this journey we call life, to paralyze
us or at the very least, keep us from
living the abundantly fruitful lives we
are called to. When we find ourselves
in that place of inertia and unable to
move forward, we may be unable to
make decisions, unable to try new experiences, even unable to breathe, eat
or sleep. We may even be unaware that
we are in that place or that it is effecting how we live each day.
Buddhist teacher and author Pema
Chödrön writes, “To be fully alive,
fully human, and completely awake
is to be continually thrown out of the
nest.”
If the nest is the status quo, it can
feel more comfortable to stay there
than to venture out, but we have lives
to live and places to be. Fear of the
unknown can keep us in one spot, and
whether it’s a good one or not, it may
be a comfortable one. Indecision is
in fact a decision to allow others to
choose for us, to allow circumstances
to choose for us. This is one way to
approach life. But when we choose to
live life fully, we empower ourselves
with the gift of an authentic, bountiful
and blessed life.
Painting from the Source (PFTS)
is one creative process that can
open us up to that authentic life we want and
need. Developed more than 35 years ago,
by internationally recognized artist, author
and teacher Aviva Gold, PFTS is an intuitive
painting process that allows for discovery
and discernment of our deepest questions, our
darkest desires and an awareness of our most
authentic selves.
“What’s interesting about this process is that
it meets you where you
are and gives you what
you need,” says Aviva,
who calls herself an art
medicine woman. “A
lot of people who are
stuck, don’t even want
to get unstuck. It is a
way to connect with
your spirit energy that
will give you what you
want and need in that
moment. The process
is a way of tapping into
a deeper spiritual place
I call the Source; A
way of moving energy
like a form of prayer.”
The process is as
simple as showing up
at the paper with no
agenda and allowing
whatever is to be, to
Aviva
be. It is very much a
process of allowing.
We tend to want to control things and when life
feels out of control we are at a loss. This process
can open us up to discover, transform, reveal
and nudge us out of that place of being stuck.
This happens when we show up at the page
empty, with no preconceived notions and just
allow the experience to happen. On her website,
www.Paintingfromthesource.com she writes,
“PFTS is a painting workshop or retreat, where
a group of people paint, share, move, vocalize,
and create ritual together for healing, renewal,
radical play and artful learning.”
I facilitate a monthly Sacred Source Painting
program at a local church on Connecticut’s
shoreline, that grew out of Aviva’s PFTS
process. Beginning with kindergarten grade
tempera paint, an assortment of brushes and
large sheets of 18x24
inch heavy art paper,
people with no artistic
background who were
certain they, “couldn’t
draw
a
straight
line,” now celebrate
themselves as artists.
We are all artists, but
we don’t all know it.
We use paper plates for
palettes; hang plastic
on the wall to protect
it, and paint in total
silence, allowing spirit
to be the only voice
(once we silence that
inner critic). When one
sheet of paper isn’t
enough it may grow
to two or three sheets.
When we think we are
done we can challenge
Gold
ourselves to use a tiny
brush, or paint with
our non-dominant hand which helps us to let go.
We give ourselves permission to paint badly, as
if we are going to burn it, so self-consciousness
doesn’t interfere with the process. And most
importantly we know that there is absolutely no
wrong way to do this. You can’t fail. There are
no mistakes. It’s about the experience with no
specific goal in mind. After we paint, we share
something about our
experience of the
process.
In
Aviva’s
programs that she
offers around the
world, they may last
as long as three days
or even a week,
while participants
work on one painting
that grows and
grows, sometimes
into beyond life size
works. She recently moved to
Arizona where she is creating
a Source Retreat venue where
people can go to experience
programs with her first hand.
While those programs are
small group centered, the PFTS
process can be done in the
privacy of your own home. If there is reluctance
to share your creative genius with others, that’s
okay and if you don’t have safe people who will
support your practice, it’s even advisable not to
share your work too readily. Be careful who you
share this kind of work with so you aren’t shut
down at the gate before you even walk through
it.
“When you approach anything with
reverence…it energizes the self,” says Aviva.
“Just showing up, shows that you are caring
enough about yourself. There
is movement and that really is
enough.”
This is not a religious
experience but it is a spiritual
one as artists connect with
their source for guidance.
Aviva admits that more women
than men attend her
programs and she has
a theory about this.
“Women are more
comfortable
with
the unknown. Men
are much more logic
based.” And there
really is no logic to
how putting paint on
paper can open us
up, free us and reveal
things about ourselves that we didn’t know, and
even transform us. Being stuck is so fear based.
And expressing our creativity through the PFTS
process as well as other means, can really help
us generate movement.
A story is told about a woman who kept
having reoccurring dreams about a bull. It was
terrifying and that bull just kept showing up in her
dreams, sometimes chasing her and sometimes
just being an unwelcome presence. She shared
this with a friend who was a very wise nun, who
When we show up at
that blank piece of
paper...we can allow
what needs to come
out, confront it and
let go of fear that
often binds us.
offered her counsel.
The nun invited her
to close her eyes and
confront the bull in
her mind. Naturally
the woman was very
reluctant to do this.
But she humored
her friend. She took
a few deep breaths,
closed
her
eyes
and envisioned the bull she kept seeing in her
dreams. She could feel fear rising. But she stood
there confronting that bull and when she did the
bull disappeared and never returned again.
That’s what we can do when we show up
at that blank piece of paper. We can allow
what needs to come out, confront it and let go
of fear that often binds us. As an invitation to
push ourselves out of the comfort of our nest,
this opportunity to create, is but one form
of expressive art that invites us into a deeper
connection with our authentic self. We are all
artists and when we can tap into our source, that
life giving energy, the possibilities are endless.
“This (PFTS) process is based on the
assumption that there is energy in the universe
that wants us to heal,” says Aviva. “This taps
into a place within, where we can heal, but
we have to be willing to go deep and paint
anything. Painting from the Source is a form
of prayer that’s also play with miraculous
possibilities,” says Aviva. To get a taste of the
PFTS process, check out this video: youtube.
com/watch?v=nQjFExiACsA&feature=you
tu.be. A DVD and book are available at www.
Paintingfromthesource.com.
Fall in Love with
Bridge
By Dick Avazian
A
n excellent late in life hobby is duplicate
bridge. If you do not know how to play
bridge, many bridge clubs offer guidance
and lessons or can get a teacher for you.
Playing duplicate bridge in clubs is a good
place to make new friends It is not unusual that
bridge partners start dating and sometimes marriages have resulted. Playing bridge requires con-
contacting the American Contract Bridge League
(ACBL). Their website is www.acbl.org.
Once you find your local club, the director will
usually be able to obtain a partner for you. After
you finish playing a hand, the cards are placed in
metal card holders and passed to the next table to
be played again. This process continues until all
the players have played the same cards. Your score
depends upon how well you did compared to the
other partners who played the same cards. Thus,
skill is more important in duplicate than in social
bridge where good results usually reflect possession of better cards.
Once you start playing, it would be wise to do
some reading. A good book for beginners would
be Bridge for Dummies by Eddie Kantar. That and
other books can be purchased directly from Barclay Bridge Supplies (1-800-274-2221). Your local bookstore may also have the books or will be
able to order them for you.
centration, which is also good for maintaining a
healthy brain. In duplicate bridge, unlike social
bridge, the partners you play against play the same
cards you played.
To get started, you should find your closest
bridge club by looking in the yellow pages or
Dick Avazian of Suffern, New York, was a
Bridge Life Master and President of National
Field Service Corporation, a consulting firm that
furnishes technical help and outsourcing services
to utilities. He passed away in July, 2015, before
this article was published.
“I think my story is similar to
yours – I just wrote it down.”
– Carol Scibelli
Available: Amazon.com
Or for an autographed copy please email me:
[email protected]
10.00
$
& Free Shipping
Pathfinder
Professional Listings
Pathfinder Magazine strives to stengthen
and enable widow/ers on their challenging
journey by sharing helpful resources, such as
qualified professionals in fields such as medicine,
therapy, psychology, law, finance, and non-profit
organizations. Pathfinder offers Professional
Listings to licensed professionals on
pathfindermag.com in the Resources section.
Each listing includes a photo, bio, description of
the services offered, contact info, and a link to
your website.
ONLY $10 per month for a Pathfinder Professional Listing
To sign up for a Pathfinder Professional Listing visit:
pathfindermag.com/resources/professional-listings
or call 860-448-5149
Act II Publications
P.O Box 752
East Lyme, CT 06333
What’s Next In Pathfinder?
Let’s
take the
journey
together
pathfindermag.com
• Inspiring Stories of Today’s and
History’s Widow/ers
• In His/Her Honor
• Humor
• Spirituality
• Health and Wellness
• Money Management
• Emotional Well Being
• Home
• Safe Dating
• Friendship
• Return to Work
• Books and Movies
• Poetry
• Common Pitfalls
• Food
• Parenting
AND MORE...
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[email protected] for a media kit.

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Transcription

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