File - your havin` a laugh

HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnnie was only 12 years old and at the age when he was serious, as only little boys can be. He had been
hearing a lot about courting from the other boys, so he asked mother what it was and how to do it. She told him
to hide behind the curtains one night to watch his sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and what he told his
mother later: “Sis and her boyfriend sat on the sofa and talked for a while, then they turned off all the lights except one. Then
he began kissing her and put his hand under her blouse. Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath.
Then he took his hand and put it under her skirt. Sis began to moan and wriggle down to the end of the sofa and
then onto the floor. Her boyfriend took off his trousers and pulled out a big eel at least 10 inches long, it was
standing up and he held it in his hand to stop it getting away. Sis held it while he took a muzzle from his pocket
and with both hands and spread her legs so she could get a scissor grip on it. He helped her by lying on it. Sis
raped her arms and legs round her boyfriend and they started fighting with that damned eel between them. The
eel put up a hell of a fight”.
“Sis squealed and her boyfriend almost upset the sofa for a moment. I thought the bloody thing was going to get
away but Sis managed to grab hold of it and put it back between her legs. Soon they gave a sigh and I thought
they must have killed the eel because it hung there limper than a hot water bottle. With some of it hanging out
Sis and her boyfriend were tired after their battle so they lay on the floor and had a cigarette. When they had
finished their smoke they started kissing again, and bugger me if that eel didn’t come back to life! What a fight
again. Sis grabbed and fought, the best wrestling I’ve ever seen. This time Sis and her boyfriend definitely
killed it this time because her boyfriend pulled it’s skin off and flushed it down the toilet”.
ODE to a WORKER.
If you work and do your best,
You’ll get the sack like all the rest,
But if you laze and bugger about,
You’ll live to see the job right out.
The work is hard, the pay is small,
So take your time and sod ‘em all,
‘Cause when you’re dead you’ll be forgot,
So don’t try and do the bloody lot,
Or, on your tombstone, neatly lacquered,
These three words!
“JUST BLEEDING KNACKERED”
A man goes to a doctor and says to him:
“My wife gets a thrill out of a banana skin sticking out of a hole in the floor board.”
“Well,” replied the doc, “why not get under the floor boards and stick your cock up through the hole.”
After a few days the man went back with his cock bandaged up.
“What happened?” asked the doc.
“I didn’t know that she was going to peel the bloody thing first.”
Hush, hush, whisper who dares
Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs,
Fur on his hand, blood on the mat,
Christopher Robin’s castrated the cat
Why Worry?
There are only two things to worry about;
Either you are well or sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry
about;
Whether you will get well, or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about;
Whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about;
And if you go to hell you’ll be so busy shaking hands
with old friends, you won’t have time to worry.
SO WHY WORRY?
Our ref: 54/QUY
Dear Sir/Madam,
SUBJECT: ADDITIONAL TRAINING FOR ALL STAFF
(A) It is, and always has been, the policy of this Organisation to ensure
it’s employees are well trained. Through our SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T. for short), we have given our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other Organisation in the area.
If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, or that he or she could advance to another position by
taking more S.H.I.T., please see your immediate supervisor.
(B) If you graduate to the top of your grade by taking all the S.H.I.T. that
is given to you, you can qualify for our Supervisor’s programme,
COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAMME
(C.R.A.P. for short).
So to become a member of our Management Team, simply take all
the S.H.I.T. you can, and then with all the additional C.R.A.P. you
receive, you will soon reach the top.
Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both the
S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. will soon become one of the elite.
(C) For a limited period only, the Organisation is offering all employees
the chance to try our latest scheme ADVANCED SUPERVISORY
STAFF HELPING OUR LOYAL EMPLOYEES (or A.S.S.H.O.L.E.
for short).
So work hard, and you will find out that the more S.H.I.T. you take
the more C.R.A.P. you can handle, will qualify you for an
A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for sure
MEMORANDUM
To : The Bosses
From: Typists and Secretaries
TYPING SERVICES
1.
Never start work first thing in the morning. We much prefer a terrific rush in the late
afternoon.
2.
Always begin dictation at 12 noon and 5.00pm. Mark the work ‘Urgent’ and then go home.
We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful for somewhere to spend the evening.
3.
When dictating, speak as indistinctly as possible. It develops the mastoid cells of the typist.
Smoking or putting your hand over your mouth aids pronunciation and removes wrinkles.
Speaking while yawning entertains the typist no end.
4.
When we stagger out carrying a pile of files, please do not open the door for us. We learn to
open it with our teeth or crawl under it.
5.
Should a letter need a slight alteration after it is typed, score the work through heavily and
write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or heavy pencil and always make the
alterations on the top copy.
6.
After dictating for an hour, wait ten minutes, then ask for your work. It is sure to be done.
Never say “Please” or “Thank you”. We know it brings on asthma.
7.
Should we be busy to take dictation or you wish to make a draft, please write letters
blindfold with a blunt pencil in left hand. Incorrect spellings, balloons, arrows and other
picturesque diagrams are very helpful to us.
8.
If extra copies of a letter are required this should be indicated either after “Yours faithfully”
or overleaf, so as to ensure that it is the last thing we see when the letter is completed.
9.
Lower the voice to a whisper when dictating important details like names of people and
places, and under no circumstances spell them. We are sure to hit the right one. We know
every name and address, firm and place in the world.
10.
When we do not hear a word and you are asked to repeat it, shout it as loudly as possible.
We find this more gentlemanly. Alternatively do not repeat it at all. We have second sight
and it may come to us. Otherwise we love a good game of “Guess the missing words”.
11.
Always wait until the typist comes into the office before sorting out papers, seeking
references, receiving callers and telephoning. Typists have plenty of time and urgent work is
so rare.
12.
With regard to statements, do not on any account use lined paper. If figures are altered,
please write heavily over those previously inserted, the correct figure in each case being the
one underneath.
1) I’m sure you can imagine;
It’s simple as can be,
The place is Piccadilly,
The time is half past three.
4) Now calm down dear, he says
His face betrays sin.
Open slightly wider
So I can get more in.
2) She whispers will it hurt much
I’ve never had it before.
He started to abuse her,
It’s not against the law.
5) Then suddenly a jerk
She gives a frightful shout.
Thank God that is over,
I’m glad you pulled it out.
3) It’s getting rather painful,
Tears come to her eyes,
It’s hurting quite a lot now,
It must be quite a size.
6) Now if you’ve read this carefully,
It’s a dentist you will find,
If that’s not what you’ve been thinking
It’s just your dirty mind.
ANALYSIS OF CHARACTER BY METHODS OF URINATION.
Excitable
Sociable
Cross-eyed
Timid
Aggressive
Indifferent
Clever sod
Worried
Frivolous
Absent-minded
Disgruntled
Sneaky
Flashy
- Trousers twisted, cannot find the hole, tears in anger.
- Goes for a piss with friends whether he wants to or not.
- Looks in urinal on the left and pees in the one on the right.
- Cannot go if there is anyone there. Pretends to go and comes back later.
- Whistles loudly, checks on everyone else’s progress.
- All the urinals being occupied, will piss in the sink.
- No hands, adjusts tie and waits for applause.
- Makes casual but close examination.
- Shoots streams in patterns on the wall - will never grow up.
- Unbuttons waistcoat, takes out tie and pees in his trousers.
- Waits for a while, grunts, tries to fart, doesn’t succeed, walks out.
- Lets silent but deadly fart out whilst peeing.
- Tells rude jokes while peeing, removes drops with great flourish.
I’m Millions of Thingies Tall
The smallest unit of measurement is called the attometre. It is only used in the microest of micro calculations
and is so small that you could never see anything one attometre long. The average human thumb is
7,000,000,000,000,000,000 attometres long - and that’s an awful lot of attometres. (1 metre is 10^18 attometres
long)
A Sentimental Phonebox
A very famous Welsh pop-singer who now lives and works mainly in the United States grew up in comparative
poverty in a small Welsh town where very few people had the telephone installed in their houses. When he
wanted to call his girlfriend, now his wife, he had to use a call box on the corner, and very often the couple used
the box to carry on their romance if there was nowhere else to go. When he bought a huge mansion in Bel-Air,
California he contacted the council of his home town, bought the telephone box from them and had it flown
over to America and installed in his $4,000,000 residence.
A lady hires two work men to fit her living-room carpet. When they had finished, one noticed a square bulge
under the carpet, right in the middle of the floor. ‘Oh no, ‘ he said, ‘I must have left my cigarettes on the floor.
Well, I’m not going to take all that lot up again.’ So he got a hammer an squashed the lump flat so that it looked
as if nothing was under the carpet. At that moment the lady came in with cups of tea and said, ‘Well, you’ve
done a good job and I’ve found your cigarettes in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my escaped hamster
anywhere?’
GERMAN VOCAB: Today we take a look at motoring terms.
INDICATORS
BONNET
EXHAUST
SPEEDOMETER
CLUTCH
PUNCTURE
LEARNER
ESTATE CAR
PARKING METER
WINDSCREEN WIPER
POWER BRAKES
GEAR LEVER
FUEL GAUGE
BREATHALIZER
REAR VIEW MIRROR
SEAT BELT
HEADLIGHTS
EXHAUST FUMES
HIGHWAY CODE
FOG WARNING
TRAFFIC JAM
REAR SEAT
TYRES
BACK FIRE
JUGGERNAUT
ACCIDENT
NEAR ACCIDENT
GARAGE
CYCLIST
SKID
DOUBLE WHITE LINES
Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Twitten mit Elplate
Der Bagzeroomfurschaggingaute
Der tennarpinscher und Zlockenarr
Der flippenflappenmuckenshpredder
Deer edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Der Walletemptyung Meter
Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
Der klunkenklickken frauleinstrapper
Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
Dar koffundschplitterpoluter
Der Wipen fur Arsen
Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
Die Bluddifukkin Dammundblast
Dar Schpringentester
Flatfahrts
Der Lowdenbanermekkenjumpen
Der Fukkengratt Trukken
Das Bleedinkmess
Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
Der Haiway Robberung
Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
Der Bannen Waltzen
Overtaken und Krunchen
Two nuns went into an off-licence and bought a bottle of Vodka for Mother Superior’s constipation. They
returned pissed out of their skulls asking for another bottle. The grocer said, “I thought that was for Mother
Superior’s constipation?”
“It is,” they giggled, “when she sees us she’ll shit herself.”
A woman goes into the fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod. “I’m sorry” replied the fishmonger, “we’ve
only got plaice and haddock.”
Half an hour later the woman returns and asks for cod. “We’ve only got plaice and haddock,” comes the reply.
Another half an hour passes and she returns for a piece of cod. “Look,” the fishmonger says, “Spell plaice
without the P.”
“L.A.I.C.E.” says the woman.
“Now spell haddock without the H.”
“A.D.D.O.C.K.”
“Now spell cod without the F.”
“But there is no F in cod,” says the woman.
“That’s right. We’ve only got plaice and haddock.”
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
(Must be read with an Italian accent)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I
wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say
you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I
don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella I
wanna fock. She tell me no everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She
say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits
onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I
wanna shit on my bed. He say you betta not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say: “Peace on you”. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma
bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
A salesman couldn’t help noticing the abundance of expensive cars in the car park of the motel he was booking
into. As he was signing the register, he asked the owner of the motel - a stunning blonde - who owned all the
cars.
“As a matter of fact, they belong to me,” she replied.
“You must be extremely rich,” remarked the salesman.
“Not at all - I won them all off men who have stayed here. You see, I bet them that they can’t do what my
seven-year-old nephew, Nigel, can do.”
“But that’s silly!” exclaimed the man “Any grown man can do what a kid can do!”
“I’ll bet my motel against your car that you can’t” said the woman.
“OK - It’s a bet,” said the salesman.
The woman called for her nephew. “Right Nigel,” she said, “kiss there.” And to the mans amazement, she took
out her breasts, which the lad started to kiss. “Now it’s your turn,” she said to the salesman. Naturally, he
needed no second bidding.
Thinking he had already won the bet, the salesman was astonished when the woman dropped her silk panties,
saying to her nephew, “Kiss this.”
The salesman did not need to be asked, before he was equalling the boys performance.
Delightedly the salesman stood up, proclaiming, “There! I win! I told you any man can do anything a little boy
can do! Have you got the deeds of the motel handy?”
“Not so fast!” said the blonde. “There’s one more thing. Nigel - bend your plonker in half and ask the
gentleman for his car keys.”
Better Late Than Never
The Camden librarian opened the letter on his desk and read:
I suggest that all those disgusting books by Mr Havlock Ellis and other similar dirty-minded men posing as
psychiatrists be removed from your shelves. Nay sir, I do more than suggest it - I demand it! You are
contributing to the undermining of the fibre of the English people - and if war comes, we shall be in no fit state
to wage it.
Mr Cole, the librarian, received the letter in 1977. It had been posted in 1938, one year before World War II
broke out.
............In 1941 Elaine Esposito of Florida, USA, unfortunately lapsed into a coma. She died without regaining
consciousness - 37 years later in 1978............
.....By the time you have read this paragraph (assuming that it will take you about 30 seconds) 50 people will
have died and 120 will have been born. The human population increases at a rate of 140 per minute.....
..........In Redruth, Cornwall in 1906, two cars crashed into each other. Nothing unusual in that you may say but they were the only two cars in the town at the time..........
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS
ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARISE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE
INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING MAY BE
HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree which I don’t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but found out that it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was
unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then
rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious
and managed to cross the road.”
“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and
smothered it with a blanket.”
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning
was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo
“I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind”. “I started to turn and
it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard.”
“On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.”
“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”
“Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of
me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I knee’d the man in the groin, but didn’t connect
properly, so I kicked him in the shin.”
“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost
control.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
“I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.”
“Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?”
“No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.”
“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any
risk.”
Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? I Watch the Lottery Show and
listen to Terry Wogan.
“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”
“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the
ladies’ loo.
To my dear wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love with you 365
times, I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once
every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not
succeed more often: -
1. We will wake the children
2. It’s too late
3. I’m too tired
4. It’s too early
5. It’s too hot
6. Pretending to be asleep
7. Windows open, the neighbours will hear
8. Backache
9. Headache
10. Sunburnt
11. Your mother will hear us
12. Not in the mood
13. Wake the baby
14. Watched the late TV show
15. Too sore
16. New hair-do
17. Wrong time of the month
18. You had to go to the toilet
Times
17
15
25
52
15
49
9
12
26
10
6
21
17
19
9
14
4
9
===
Total 329
During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8
times you reminded me of a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you
told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to
wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I
had hurt you because I felt you move.
To my dear husband,
I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get more than you did: -
1. Came home and tried to stuff the cat
2. Didn’t come at all
3. Didn’t come
4. Came too soon
5. Went soft before you got it in
6. Cramp in toes
7. Working late
8. You said you had a rash, from a toilet seat
9. In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls
10. Caught it in your zip
11. Got a cold, your nose keeps running
12. Brewers droop
13. Your tea was too hot, burnt your tongue
14. You had a splinter in your finger
15. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day
16. Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
Times
7
29
14
26
18
9
49
21
4
6
18
95
8
4
13
8
Of the times we got it together, the reason I stayed still was
because you missed and were stuffing the sheets, I wasn’t
talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was “Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”. The times you felt
me move was because you had farted and I was trying to
breathe. However 6 months ago I ‘phoned Alcoholics
Anonymous for their help, and their representative has been
calling most afternoons since then.
News Travels Fast
If a rumour was started at midnight and repeated within two seconds by everyone who knew about it to two
people and those two people told two people and those two people told another two people...everyone on earth
would know about it by 6.30 in the morning.
Sweet Revenge
Carlo Gamba left home in southern Italy in 1913 when he was twenty-three. He never returned to Italy and
never saw his family again. He worked as a shoe black in a San Francisco railway station. He worked seven
days a week and most nights. Carlo never married, never smoked or drank, saved every penny he could and
invested what he had wisely.
In 1962, he learned that his brother, Giuseppe, had sold the family home in Italy for $1,000. Carlo did not
receive a penny from the sale. He neither said a word about it, nor did he forgive.
When he died in 1982, Carlo had amassed a fortune of $500,000. Giuseppe heard this news with delight, but the
smile on his face did not last long. Instead of the vast fortune he expected to receive, Giuseppe got exactly $5.
The will read, ‘I leave all my money except five dollars to the town of Verbicaro (his home town) to build a
hospital. These five dollars I leave to Giuseppe so that he can buy a drink and remember that he should never
have sold the family house without my consent.’
............Office space in central London is now so expensive that it costs £150 a year to rent the space taken up
by an average wastepaper basket............
Dear Sir,
As a result of your recent visit to our surgery for measurement of your teeth, you will be pleased to hear
that your dentures are ready for collection.
However, I regret to have to inform you that due to the size of your existing teeth and your unique bone
structure, I have found it necessary to produce a set of dentures, which contains a “middle tooth”. This means,
in effect, that there will be a third tooth in what would normally be your “two front teeth”.
Of course, I appreciate that you may be a little surprised by this news, but I am sure that after you have
been fitted, you will realise that the difference is relatively unnoticeable.
Would you please call at your earliest convenience. I look forward to seeing you.
It’s A Boy...
Little Gregory was a healthy baby boy. EVERYTHING about him was perfectly normal. When he was thirteen
months old, he had to be taken into hospital for a hernia operation. Doctors discovered that a vital piece of the
little boy’s identity was in fact an enlarged piece of a little girl’s identity and Gregory was actually a girl.
He...sorry she, is now called Marjorie.
Not On The Table
A group of Edinburgh golfers sat despondently in a bar in the small town of Gullane, a few miles to the east of
Edinburgh and home of some of the best and most challenging golf courses in Scotland.
They had been looking forward to their game but the rain was coming down in torrents. After a few hours
drinking one of them was rather worse for wear, but suddenly the clouds cleared and the rain stopped. The
others decided to play a few holes, but their companion was in no fit state, so they walked him back to their car,
laid him across the back seat and left him sleeping peacefully.
An hour later they came back and there was no sign of their friend. They waited and waited, thinking that
perhaps he had gone for a walk to clear his head, but there was still no sign of him.
They were becoming quite worried when a policeman came up to them and asked if they knew the driver of the
car. When they said yes, the policeman told them that he was in the local prison on a charge of breaking and
entering and gross indecency!
It turned out that he had woken up feeling a bit cramped on the back seat so he had decided to go for a walk.
During his walk he had felt the need to relieve himself and being unable to find a public convenience had
decided to ask at a house if he could use the lavatory.
There was no answer to his knock so he tried the front door. Being a small, quiet village the residents never
bothered to lock the door when they went out. The man entered the house and searched for the lavatory, which
he found.
He was unfortunately overcome with tiredness on his way out. So he lay down to sleep for a few minutes. He
doesn’t quite know how it happened but when the poor woman who owned the house returned she screamed
when she saw the young man, lying completely naked on top of her dining room table.
After she had gathered herself together she telephoned the police who arrived within seconds and promptly
arrested the still sleeping man. He was fined £100 a few days later. The sheriff told him that in fining him so
lightly he had taken into account several things including his age and background, which was very Edinburgh
middle class. He was warned that if ever he was in trouble again, he would be punished much more severely.
The young man took the sheriff’s words to heart; the next time he was in trouble he did not wait around to
answer the consequences. He absconded with £10,000 of his employer’s money and went to South America,
leaving behind many debts.
Civil Defence (Exeter) Headquarters
Ladysmith Road
Exeter, EX1 7LR
Date as postmark
Dear Sir/Madam,
Re: CIVIL DEFENCE PROGRAMME
Under the direction of the Civil Defence Controller for the South Western
Region, we are entering into extensive planning to arrange for both Civil
and Industrial Units to act as Wardens in the event of hostilities breaking
out, the danger of air attacks becoming imminent.
As a citizen whose loyalty is unquestioned we feel sure that we can count
upon your patriotic sentiments for the fullest co-operation and we have,
therefore, taken the liberty of appointing you Air Warden for your street,
which we are sure you will carry out to the fullest extent of your
capabilities. We thank you for your co-operation in performing your part
in this enterprise which we feel is so vital in the interests of all.
We are attaching a list of equipment required by each Air Warden.
We suggest all haste be exercised in preparing for this possible
emergency.
Yours faithfully,
For Civil Defence Controller
South Western Area
LIST OF EQUIPMENT FOR WARDEN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
Respirator
One axe - to be carried in belt
One stirrup pump - to be carried over left shoulder
One extension ladder to be carried over right shoulder
One long handled shovel - under left arm
One scoop to be carried in right hand
One rake - to be carried in left hand
One whistle with lanyard attached - to be carried in mouth
Two wet blankets - to be carried round neck
One flashlight to be carried on top of blankets
One belt to be worn around waist - with ten hooks for carrying six
bags of sand and four pails of water
12.
One steel helmet with brim turned up to carry extra water for
drinking purposes only
NOTE: Head must be held erect at all times, as water spilt from brim will
run down neck and then be wasted
13.
One box of matches - to light incendiary bombs that fail to ignite
14.
Extra sand - to be carried in all available pockets
15.
One ships anchor - to be dropped in case Warden wishes to stop
running
16.
One broom to be attached to Warden’s back for sweeping up when
it’s all over
AT ALL TIMES LAUGHING MUST NOT BE ENCOURAGED
RUSH-JOB CALENDAR
NEG FRI
8
15
22
29
36
7
14
21
28
35
FRI
FRI
6
13
20
27
34
5
12
19
26
33
THU WED TUE
4
11
18
25
32
3
10
17
24
31
2
9
16
23
30
This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job
can be ordered on the seventh and delivered on the third.
Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays every week.
There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end of the month panic jobs.
There is no first of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last minute panic jobs.
Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with non productive Saturdays and Sundays.
A new day - Negotiation day has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
I Do Because I Suppose I Have To
A Birmingham salesman was invited to a wedding at Avon. The invitation said that his best friend was being
married. He duly turned up in church and was met by his girlfriend who smilingly handed him a wedding ring.
‘You’ll need this, ‘ she said sweetly and before he had time to argue, the ‘wedding guest’ found himself
exchanging vows and being married to Rosemary.
He said later that his new wife and he had been living together for more than two years and he had often asked
her to marry him, but she had always refused.
The proud bride said, ‘I thought it would be jolly good sport to surprise him.’
What A Shower
Some members of a Home Counties Soccer Club have complained to the London Football Association about
one of their referees, who insists on taking a shower with them after the game. The referee, shapely Janet
Walmsley, does not see what all the fuss is about. ‘After all, ‘ she says, ‘I do keep my knickers on.’
An Odd Hobby
A man who works for Hertfordshire Social Services Committee has a very strange hobby. He traces twins who
have no idea that they have twin brothers or sisters.
It all started more than twenty years ago when he became involved in the case of a boy who had been taken into
care. He discovered that the child had been adopted and, before the boy left care, he said that his mother had
told him he was one of a pair of twins. The boy went off to sea and the interested social worker decided to find
out if this was true. He located the adoption society who put him in touch with the boy’s grandmother. She
knew where the other twin was. He had also gone to sea.
Since then, the man has put 23 sets of twins in touch with each other. One set of twins found out that the only
thing they liked to drink was advocaat and lemonade. Another set are both terrified of birds. Two boy twins
turned up to meet each other wearing identical glasses, jackets and trousers, and other twins found that they
lived within a mile of each other, drank in the same pubs and clubs and yet had never met until our intrepid
investigator put them in touch with each other.
..........The Indian name for Lake Webster in Massachusetts is Chargogatmanchaugagochaubunagungamaug,
which, when translated, means ‘You fish on your side, we fish on our side, nobody fishes in the middle.’..........
Anyone interested in a little house at the end of the Mall?
In 1923, Scotsman Arthur Ferguson convinced Gullible American tourists that Big Ben and Nelson’s Column
were to be demolished and that he was responsible for trying to sell them on behalf of the British Government.
He got £1,000 for Big Ben and £6,000 for Nelson’s Column. He was so smooth-talking that he managed to talk
one couple into giving him a deposit of £2,000 for Buckingham Palace.
Suicidal
A New York painter decided to end it all by throwing himself off the Empire State Building. He took the lift up
to the 86th floor, found a convenient window and jumped. A gust of wind caught him as he fell and blew him
into the studios of NBC Television on the 83rd floor. There was a live show going out, so the interviewer
decided to ask the wood-be suicide a few questions. He admitted that he’d changed his mind as soon as he’d
jumped.
A King’s Road Caper
A well-known newspaper editor was dining with some friends in a fashionable King’s road restaurant. The
restaurant employed a violinist to move between the tables serenading the customers. One of the party saw that
this was causing some embarrassment to a lady in the group, so he decided to tip the fiddler with a ten pound
note, hoping that he would move on. He leaned back and without looking at what he was doing, tried to push
the note into the violinist’s pocket.
The guests watched with a mixture of hilarity and astonishment as he pushed and pushed, apparently having
difficulty in getting the money into the pocket. Hardly surprising, he was trying to push it into the violinist’s
trouser fly!
Don’t Meddle With The Ref
During a game between Cantanzaro and Palermo, the score was one goal each when the home side, Cantanzaro,
had two penalties disallowed by the referee.
When the final whistle blew, the referee was chased from the ground. Fortunately, he was a fast runner and
managed to dash into a restaurant, where he called the waiter and ordered some soup, hoping to give his
pursuers the slip.
Unfortunately, when his meal arrived, so too did the owner of the restaurant, who had just come back from the
match.
Recognizing the referee, the angry proprietor ordered him from the restaurant, throwing the soup after him. The
furious referee, however, managed to get his revenge.
He found a telephone and called the restaurant. He told the owner that he was the manager of the Cantanzaro
team and he was bringing his players there for something to eat. They would, he said, be arriving in about an
hour.
He then telephoned the Cantanzaro manager and claimed to be the restaurant owner. He told the manager that
he was so upset by the result and so convinced that the local side had won that he was inviting the entire team
to eat at the restaurant for only a few pence each. Come, he said, in about an hour.
The footballers duly arrived and ate and drank their way through the menu. When they were presented with an
enormous bill they went crazy and broke up the restaurant.
The restaurant manager and the football manager had such a fight that the furious footballer was jailed for
assault.
Killed by a Bite
A fourteen-year-old cattle boy called Edward, who worked in Richmond, South Africa, was walking through
the plantation one day when he tripped over what he thought was a rope. Seconds later he was horrified to see a
huge python begin to coil itself around his legs.
The boy could do nothing as the snake coiled itself right up his legs and round his chest, crushing every ounce
of air out of his lungs as it did so. As the horrendous coils circled towards his throat the boy realised that there
was only one thing to do.
He managed to snap at the snake with his teeth. The first time the snake slipped out of the boy’s mouth, but the
second attempt he got a good bite and managed to hold on.
The harder he bit, the less the snake squeezed. It stopped shaking its head and the boy chewed on. Eventually
the snake stopped squeezing completely and slid to the ground. Dead.
Police were astonished a few minutes later when the boy calmly walked into the police station and told them
what he had done. They refused to believe him until he took them outside and showed them the body of the
snake with its head almost chewed off.
Will You Marry Me - Ouch
The thirteenth-century Tartar princess, Aiyavuk, used to challenge all men who wanted to marry her to wrestle
with her. She would agree only to marry the man who could beat her. If the man lost, he hat to forfeit 100
horses to the princess. By the time she was eventually beaten, she had acquired 10,000 horses.
Talk less loudly, that’s the thing to do
A New York businessman had to make a call from Chicago airport and asked the operator to put him through
on his telephone credit card number.
When his wife got their monthly telephone bill she was horrified to see that it totalled $20,000 and most of the
calls were to girls.
The man was shocked when his wife presented him with it on his return home. The bill ran to 334 pages and
looked like a telephone directory.
After an investigation by the phone company it turned out that when he had quoted his credit card number over
the phone, two marines in the next booth had over heard him and taken down the number. They had passed the
number on to their buddies in the corps.
The unfortunate man had been paying to support the collective love life of half of the US Marine Corps.
Fortunately, he will not have to pay for the calls.
I Command it
People who bought an edition of the bible printed in 1631 by Barker and Lucas were surprised (some may be
pleasantly so) when they came to the following verse in the Book of Exodus:
20:14 Thou shalt commit adultery.
The printers had inadvertently left out the word ‘not’. The English monarch, Charles I, was horrified, recalled
all 1,000 copies and fined the printers £3,000.
..........In 1945 the bursar of Magdalene College, Oxford was named Cook, the cook was named Butler and the
butler was called Chamberlain..........
A Near Miss
Peter Lenz, a twenty-year-old West German, received his call-up papers one day. He did not relish having to
spend two years in the West German Army and he knew that he could only be excused on medical grounds.
Fortunately, his girlfriend was diabetic so when he went to the Medical Officer to be examined, he took a
specimen of her urine. When he was asked to supply a sample, he switched his girlfriend’s urine for his own.
He went home confident that he would not have to report back. He was astonished therefore a few days later to
receive a letter telling him that he had been passed fit and to report to his unit.
When he did so, the recruiting officer told him, “We would have believed that you were diabetic, but not that
you’re pregnant, too.”
A Close Shave
Robert Hardie was anxious to publicize the barber shop he opened in London in 1909. He persuaded a friend to
be shaved by him in public. The friend agreed and Hardie gave him a clean shave in 29 seconds - blindfolded.
Oh Brother
A Moscow woman has given birth to... wait for it... sixteen sets of twins. That makes 32 children. As well as
seven sets of triplets (another 21) and four sets of quads (another 16). That makes 69 children altogether.
A Little Overdue
The librarian of Cincinnati Medical Library thought his eyes were deceiving him when he checked the return
date of the book in front of him. It was due back in 1823 having originally been taken out by the greatgrandfather of the returner. The fine of $2,646 was waived under the circumstances.
ACHTUNG ALL LOOKENPEEPERS!!
Das Computermachine ist nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk,
blowenfusen und poppen corken mit sppitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken boi das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseern, keepen hands in das pokets, relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on
the train now, cause we’re going down the tracks!”
The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now
go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your
train, but only if you use nice language.”
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today.”
Then, the child added, “And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in
the kitchen.”
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Cheating to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first
time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no
civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Abos who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the
beach..
TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN:
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and
nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you’re not.
12. At all.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 11 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don’t agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuck-off shotguns and cover your
house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?!?!?!?
..........An American woman insured her husband’s life so that, if he died before she did, her lifestyle would not
change too radically. Some lifestyle - when he died the insurance company paid up $18,000,000..........
“Owing to the current financial stringencies, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further
notice”.
A wife walked in on her husband and found him making love to another woman. As she was about to run out,
he shouts, “It wasn’t my fault!! I can explain!!”
“I was on my way to work, and I saw this woman thumbing for a lift, so I decided to give her a lift. She then
told me that she was hungry. As we were close to the house, I brought her home and gave her the roast beef that
you didn’t want. I then saw her shoes were full of holes, so I gave her the shoes that you don’t wear anymore. I
then saw her T-shirt was ripped, and gave her the sweater that you don’t wear anymore. I then looked at her
jeans and saw that they were all worn out, and so I gave her the old pair that you don’t wear anymore. I was
about to send her away, but she stopped and asked, “Is there anything else around here that your wife doesn’t
use that you would like me to have?”
“What could I do?”
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The
Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he
returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “white man sit on well.”
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with
his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of
A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As
he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was
cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the
gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink
with the same one twice.
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two
weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the
priest looks skyward and says, “At least they’re finally together.” A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse
me father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?” The priest says, “I
mean her legs.”
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I
understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue
and broke his finger!”
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog
sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man
looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, Puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He
says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit. Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit. 3
wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to
say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to
next?” The frog replied, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.” They go to “Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I
should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man
takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know
how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss
Me.” He figures why not, since after all frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed
his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey Dad, what are
you doing?” The dad answered, “Playing Cards.” Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?” The dad
answered, “Your mom.” Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers
bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey Sis, what are you doing?” The sister answered, “Playing Cards”. Little
Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?” She answered, “My boyfriend.” A little later, the Dad got up and went to
the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his
son, “what are you doing?” Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.” The Dad asked, “Really? Whose your
partner?” Little Johnny answered, ... “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom
I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these
years!”
The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn’t
have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, “I can’t drive anymore with the
air hitting me in my chest.” After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air
from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer
that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, “are either of them
showing any life signs?” The farmer then said, “well, that first one was ‘til I turned his head around the right
way.”
100 Reasons Why It’s Good To Be A Girl
1. Our nipples work
2. Men will never appreciate chocolate like we appreciate chocolate.
3. It’s harder for us to splash wee down our trousers - but not
impossible.
4. Lycra.
6. We’ve got tits. And we can play with them whenever we like.
7. We have more erogenous zones.
8. Our genitals are prettier.
9. ....and we never get them stuck in our flies.
10. We can cover our desks with elaborate stationery from
Paperchase.
11. We don’t get any spontaneous erections during a massage.
12. When we buy a vibrator it’s glamorous. When blokes buy a blowup doll, it’s sad.
13. Our orgasms last longer.
14. We can use cosmetic goodies to help us out should we wake up
looking like toss in the morning.
16. We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions...
17. ....and it’s much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
18. That moment when you realised that you weren’t ‘frigid’, just
physically repulsed by gobby men with bad breath and a problem with
rejection.
19. Maternity Leave - six months paid holiday and all you have to do
is have a baby.
20. We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old gits.
21. We never ejaculate prematurely.
22. The real beauty of e-mail is obvious to us - a further dimension to
our social lives. Also, we don’t find the pitiful Internet chain ‘jokes’
blokes send each other even mildly amusing.
23. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological
disorders. Beats the dentist every time on the scale of skiving excuses.
24. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our
calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
25. We know that tetris is the computer game to end all games.
26. We got off the Titanic first.
27. Circumcision is not an option.
28. We can make the men in accounts blush by talking about our sex
lives in the lift.
29. We can wear power suits and stilettos, and get called ‘ball
breakers’ behind our backs. 30. We’re never expected to refill the
water cooler.
31. We can do better stuff with our hair, and....
32. ...we don’t go bald after our 26th birthdays.
33. For some reason we believe in the life changing potential of
AHA’s.
34. We don’t grow nose hair.
35. Manolo Blahniks.
36. If we were going to be gay we’d rather be lesbians.
37. Nail varnish looks really good on us.
38. We can wear open-toed sandals in the summer, with no real fear of
social ostracism.
39. Wigs, we can wear them and be fashionable.
40. We are allowed to wear skirts and trousers with pleats in them
without having to plead scottishness.
41. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they
look like complete dicks in ours.
42. Better pants.
43. We have total control over our eyebrows.
44. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
45. It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mummy’s boy.
46. Who really controls the population?
47. We look good in second hand gear, and therefore save money by
going to car boot sales. When men do the same thing they look like
they’re wearing clothes someone died in. Which they are.
48. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
49. We are more than capable of changing fuses. It’s just that we have
better things to do with our time.
50. With David Ginola, men can only be fans. We however, are
potential shags.
51. We understand the true value of money (More lipstick, shoes and
gin).
52. We can go all weak and therefore carry fewer bags home from
Sainsbury’s.
53. We are statistically less likely to get caught when we have affairs.
54. Getting crushes.
55. We might grow up to be Lauren Bacall.
56. Men still think they have to pay for our dinner (fools).
57. We always get rings when we get engaged and married. (Which
we can always sell later if everything goes pear shaped.)
58. We can flirt with waiters in Cafe Rouge and get served first.
59. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts...and pool..
and football.
60. There’s always a freebie ‘laydeez nite’ to be had when times are
really hard.
61. We’re allowed to be angry with blokes when they leave the loo
seat up. They however, have no comeback when we leave it down.
62. We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
63. Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
64. We know that computer games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a
direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our
genitals.
65. Taxis stop for us.
66. We can play the single scared female card with the AA if we break
down at night.
67. We get drunk quicker, and cheaper.
68. We’re expected to sit down in pubs. And we are not perceived as
sub-standard representatives of our sex if we choose to.
69. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention on buses...
70. ...or we can be pregnant and get lot’s of attention everywhere.
71. Women’s mags give better free gifts.
72. No testicles.
73. We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical
order. Ever.
74. Let’s face it, we’ve got a better chance of getting a degree.
75. We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
76. It does not enhance our social standing to understand the workings
of the offside trap (or any other wank football thing). But we look
incredibly cool if we do.
77. We don’t sulk for a fortnight when caught incorrectly identifying
actors from obscure 70’s detective programmes.
78. You don’t catch many girls driving tractors for a living.
79. ...or freezing on the hard shoulder of the M25.
80. Chick Flicks.
81. We can read Jackie Collins, Peter Hoeg and Jane Austen all in one
week without compromising our sexuality....
82. ....but we’ll never have to read Bravo Two Zero by ex SAS bloke
Andy McNab.
83. Soap Operas.
84. We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Alan Partridge. Ever.
85. Some-how we just know about horoscopes.
86. We don’t have to leave early on a Saturday night to get home in
time for match of the day.
87. Watching scores on Teletext for hours at a time doesn’t work for
us.
88. Girls are much better dancers. Sorry. We just are.
89. We can watch the ‘Fast Show’ without having to memorise the
script to impress work colleagues.
90. “The future of rock belongs to women” (Curt Cobain, 1994)
91. Ewan McGregor.
92. Chilli tolerance is not a measure of our social worth.
93. We’ll never be Jeremy Clarkson...
94. ...but, if we wanted to, we could be It girls and do nothing but go
to parties all the time.
95. Drinking cocktails is strictly for girls.
96. We can wear pink.
97. And throw underarm in Rounders.
98. And sit-cross legged.
99. How hard we are relates directly to our tolerance to hot waxing. It
has nothing to do with fighting people at football matches.
100. Three small words - ‘John’, ‘Wayne’ and ‘Bobbitt’.
In the middle of a gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases
they have recently treated.
French gynaecologist : Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and ‘er cleetoris - et was like a
melon.
English gynaecologist ; Don’t be absurd, it could not have been that big, my good man, she could not have been
able to walk if it was.
French gynaecologist : Aaah, you Eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size.... I was talkeeng
about ze flavour.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “DAMN! That’s the ugliest fuckin’ baby I’ve
EVER seen!”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She
fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was
agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed. The man sympathised and said, “Hey! He’s a public servant and he
shouldn’t say things to insult the passengers.”
“You’re right!” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey!”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was
never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired
her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to
accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house laden
with flowers and chocolates. To his surprise she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she
exclaims, “I am running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes.” With this she ushers
him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a
little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV,
and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her
skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself
across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is
shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the daughter returns fully dressed, ready for the evening. The
date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the
end of the evening the girl asks, “What’s the matter? Have I done something wrong?”
“It’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a
bit shocked.”
‘Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her pants, and throws a glass of
water over her behind.”
“Then, as if that weren’t enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from
behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye.’
“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl. The young man can’t believe the casual response to this weird practice. “It’s
easily explained. Mom was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ and Dad was replying,
‘No, fuck him - I’m watching the match.’”
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at
her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get
ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing
on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of American newspapers.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience. We will oil your
sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
In the Beginning was the Product and then came the Assumptions and the Assumptions were without form and
the Product was completely without substance and Darkness was on the faces of the Customers and they spoke
amongst themselves saying “It is a Crock of Shit, and it Stinketh!” And the Customers went to their Sales
Engineers and sayeth unto them “It is a Pail of Dung and None may abide the Odour thereof!” And the Sales
Engineers went to their Salesmen and sayeth unto them “It is a Container of Excrement and It is very Strong
such that None may abide it!” And the Salesmen went to their Sales Managers and sayeth “It is a Vessel of
Fertiliser and None may abide its Strength!” And the Sales Managers went to their Regional Sales Managers
and sayeth “It contains an Aid to Plant Growth and is Very Strong!” And the Regional Sales Managers went to
the Director of Sales and Marketing and sayeth unto him “It promoteth Growth and It is very Powerful!” And
the Director of Sales and Marketing went to the Managing Director and sayeth “This Powerful New Product
will actively Promote the Growth and Efficiency of the Company and of this Area in Particular!” And the
Managing Director looked upon the Plan and Saw It was Good. Thus it came to pass the Product went to
market.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought himself a warehouse?
True stories from The Wall Street Journal:
Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of
calls asking where the “Any” key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files
from his old 5” diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to turn up anything, it was found
that the customer labelled the diskettes by applying a label and then inserting them in his manual typewriter to
type the labels.
AST customer was asked to send copies of her defective diskettes to tech support. A few days later a letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The
customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, inserting the floppy, and then
walking across the room and closing the door to the room.
Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble shooting,
the technician discovered the man had been trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it up to the monitor screen
and clicking the “send” command.
A Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.
“Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of computer geeks.”
Another Dell customer called to say that his keyboard was no longer operating properly. Thinking that it may
be dirt or dust, the customer had even gone to all the trouble of cleaning his keyboard by filling his tub with
soap and water, soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Customer called Compaq tech support to say that her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she had
unpacked the unit, hooked it up, plugged it in, but nothing had happened for 20 minutes. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
An exasperated caller to Dell tech support said her new computer wasn’t running faster when she stepped on
the accelerator. The lady had been trying to use her mouse as a foot pedal to speed up her computer.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said
to the Princess, “I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I
will turn back into a Prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.” That night, while the Princess
dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, “I don’t fucking think so.”
Another old one (found in The Car Electrical Centre in Camberley)...
Forget all the nonsense about electric fields and the flow of electrons along the conductor, for it is just that nonsense - a myth put about by electricians to support their cosy lifestyle at someone else’s expense. The reality
is SMOKE! When you think about it, it all becomes startlingly obvious - smoke makes all electrical things
function. If the smoke escapes, the component stops working. For example, the last time you had to grovel
under your car to replace the starter motor, didn’t it start smoking before it ceased to work? Of course.
The wiring loom in your car carries smoke from one device to another, pumped around the system by the
alternator, and when a wire springs a leak, it lets all the smoke out and everything stops. The starter motor
require a lot of smoke to work properly, so it has a very thick wire running to it.
The battery stores up a lot of smoke dissolved in acid, which is why they were once called accumulators, until it
became apparent that DIY mechanics would twig to the secret. Naturally if you try to dissolve too much smoke
in your battery, it will escape through those little holes it the top - this is why those new fangled batteries with
sealed tops explode when they get too much smoke in them.
Q: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.
Cultural differences:
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois “
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman -- and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her
body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it’s not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don’t remember
if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they
know the English aren’t getting any...
There are two blokes standing on the top of a cliff, one with a budgie on his shoulder and the other was holding
a gun and with a parrot on his shoulder. The bloke with the budgie then jumps off, and was followed shortly
after by the other. They eventually meet half way down the cliff, and the first bloke says:
“I don’t think much of this budgie jumping”
And the other replies, “Well, I don’t think much of this parrot shooting either!”
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible
vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he
did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the
bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For
a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David
was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour.” David was astounded at
the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: “May I ask
what the chicken did?”
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going
through the Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no
lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Stiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was
thinking: ‘The English fell must have kissed Claudia Stiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.
Claudia Stiffer was thinking: ‘The French fell must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman
and got slapped for it.’ And the Englishman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a
tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.
Q: What’s a wife?
A: It’s an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Subject: At the races...
~~~~~At the post in today’s race are~~~~~
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
~~~~~And they’re off~~~~~
Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being
pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
~~~~~At the Halfway Mark~~~~~
It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure
from Big Dick.
~~~~~At The Stretch~~~~~
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is
coming.
~~~~~At The Finish~~~~~
It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a
dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust.... and wins by a head. ...Bare Belly shows.
...Thighs weakens. ...Heavy Bosom pulls up.... and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
A man dressed up in a panda costume walks into a pub, and goes up to the bar to order himself a drink, and the
lass behind the bar says to him “If you keep me company and supply me with drinks all night, I’ll take you
home with me and give you a bite to eat, and you can also have a sleep there as well”
So the bloke supplies the drinks all night, and come closing time, he went home with the young lady.
The following morning he got up at about 7am, and was getting his panda suit back on, the young lady came
down and said: “Where are you going?”
“Back to the zoo for my breakfast” was the reply
“But I want paying!”
“What for?”
“Didn’t you know that I am a prostitute?”
With that the lass reaches for the dictionary and looks up the word prostitute for the definition to show the
bloke in the panda suit. The definition read “An act between two people - you must pay”
The bloke then took the dictionary and flicked it back a few pages for the definition of panda. This read “Eats
shoots and leaves”
A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper and when asked why she left her last employment, she
replied, “Yes, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game
called “Bridge” and last night there were a lot of folks there. As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a
man say, “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got”. Then another man said, I’ve got strength but no length”.
Than another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick”. I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady
answered “You forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.” Another
woman was talking about protecting her honour. Well, I got my hat and coat as I was leaving I hope to die...if
one of them didn’t say “I guess I’ll go home now; this is the last rubber”. Then I fainted out cold!
Q. What is the height of conceit?
A Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Seinfeldisms
1. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What’s another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and
insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
28. Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
30. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Stowaway
A sweet young, and very attractive lady is trying to make her way from the UK to visit an unwell relative in
New York, and unfortunately she does not have the funds to get there, so she quietly boards a boat, and hides
herself in one of the unoccupied cabins. After a couple of days she is unfortunately found by the Second-inCommand, and he offers her his cabin to sleep in and told her to be careful not to be found by any other crew
member.
Eventually, the Captain finds her, and asks “What are you doing in here?”
“Well,” she replies, “Second-in-Command very kindly put me in here.”
“What did he do that for?”
“I’m trying to get to get to New York”
The Captain then asks, “And has he been trying to take advantage of you?”
“Yes,” she replies, “as a matter of fact he has.”
“I’m not surprised, as this is the Isle of Wight Ferry”
Teacher asks the class to use the word contagious. First kid stands up and says “last year I got the measles and
mum said it was very contagious.”
Next kid gets up and says “Nan says there is a flu going round and it is contagious”
And of course little Johnny has to put his two cents worth in “Our next door neighbour is painting his house
with a two inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious.”
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give
the writers an ‘E’ for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not
to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the
cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict
rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American.
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and
called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the
florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on
your new location.’”
Par
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new
bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make-- I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the
telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they
finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” She says.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they
finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, “Well, you two, I only have a few
more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?”
Adam raises his hand and yells “Me, Me, pick me!!” So God obliged. Then, he looks at Eve and says “Well, it
looks like the only thing I have left is multiple orgasms.”
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The
Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each
man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually
around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell... “Oh Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so
disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” The
candidate leaves. The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her
layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell... “Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor.
“You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness”
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she
dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. “James, my son, I am truly
proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great
priest”. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower”. *Ting-a-ling*
The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees “The President Sucks”
written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day
the FBI agents return. “Well sir,” says the first agent, “the urine has been analysed and it’s the Vice
President’s”. The President goes purple with rage and shouts, “Is that all?” “Well no sir,” says the agent, It’s the
First Lady’s handwriting.”
SOME TIME-HONOURED TRUTHS:
1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realise you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
THE DOG CAN TALK-----A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make
ends meet he decided he’d have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a
man came to see this “intelligent” dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of
trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded,
“Hunt.” Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The
farmer said, “He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond.” “That’s absurd,” said the potential buyer.
“Dogs can’t count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it.” Just then a duck flew overhead, descended
just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond. “Now send him back and have him count!” said the man.
The farmer again commanded, “Hunt!” and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The
buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot. A few days later the man took his new
dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog “Hunt!” and the dog
took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in its mouth. He came up to the man
swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg. “Smart, my ass!” said the new owner and
promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. “Some dog you sold
me! When I told him to ‘hunt’ he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer
critter.” The farmer replied, “You idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you
could shake a stick at!”
Three dogs, a Spaniel, an Alsatian and a Great Dane are sitting in the vet’s waiting room. They start chatting.
The Spaniel, it transpires, caused a fatal car accident, while the Alsatian savaged a paperboy. Both are there to
be put down. The Great Dane had mounted his mistress while she bent over to clean the bath and had his way.
“So you’re here to be put down too?” asks the Spaniel. “No,” replies the Dane, “I’m here to get my nails
clipped.”
A busload of camera-toting Japanese tourists comes across an Australian in the Outback shagging a sheep. One
timidly approaches and asks, “Are you shearing?” The Aussie replies, “Nah, piss off and get your own.”
An aged couple are in bed making love. “Careful,” says the old girl, “I’ve got acute angina.” “That’s good,”
gasps the old geezer, “‘Cause your tits are knackered.”
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. “Quick sister,” screams one nun,
“Show him your cross!” So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Oi! You! Fuck off!”
A woman tells her friend she’s received a bunch of flowers from her husband. “I suppose I’ll have to spend the
entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air,” she says, to which her friend replies, “Why? Don’t you
have a vase?”
A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny
said “yes”.
The salesman said, “Well, can I see him please?”
Johnny snickered, and said, “No, he is in the shower.”
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, “yes.”
The salesman said, “well can I see her?” Johnny snickered again and said, “no, she’s in the shower too.”
The salesman then asked, “do you think they will be out soon?”
Johnny laughed this time and said “no.”
The salesman asked why. “Well”, Johnny said, “when my dad asked me for the Vaseline I gave him some super
glue.”
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and
crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his
bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and
you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since
both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what
did you name them?”
The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little
boy says to his mother, “What’s that?” “That’s the elephant’s tail,” she replies. “No, under the tail,” says the
youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, “Oh, nothing.” The boy turns to his father and repeats
the same question. His father looks and says, “That’s the elephant’s penis, son.” “So, why did mum say it was
nothing?” asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”
The M.D. of a small company has two employees; Jack and Jill. Just recently the company has been doing
badly so the M.D. decides that one of them must go. Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees
is Jill. He asks Jill to step into his office and with a heavy heart explains his dilemma. “Look Jill, I’m afraid I’m
going to have to lay you or Jack off.” Jill replies, “You’ll have to jack off then, ‘cause I’ve got a headache.”
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an
angel came down from Heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I’m going
to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything
you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a
bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking knowingly. Grinning even more widely, the
female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL
shit on its head.”
An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this
world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest
and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly
where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches
below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an
animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: “Ah, you’re lovely, aren’t
you,” she says to the first dog. “What’s your name then?” To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, “My
name’s Huey, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.” Delighted with this discovery, she moves
on to the next dog. “And what’s your name then?” Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, “My name’s
Lewy, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.” And so she moves on to the last dog. “Let me
guess,” she says. “Your name’s Dewy, and you’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.” “No,” replies
the last dog. “My name’s Puddles, and I’ve had an awful day.”
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw
herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts “G’day Sheila! What the
fuck do you think you’re doing?” Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says “G’day Bruce - You got
me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.” Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says
Sheila, not only are you a great lay, but you’re a real sport too”.
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they
try a 69. “What do you mean?” he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said “you put your head
between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs,” still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got
his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. “What the hell was that?!?” he asked. “Oops! I’m so
sorry! Let’s try again,” she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately
got up and started getting dressed. “Where are you going?” she asked, to which he replied...”If you think I’m
sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!!”
Anybody remember the Beatles?
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Sports Car Blonde
One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked
up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful
she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he’d ever laid eyes on. I’ve pulled you over for speeding,
Ma’am.... could I see your drivers license and registration please.” “...What’s a license...???” replied the blonde.
Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. “Your drivers license is generally in a wallet”, replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?..” asked the
cop. “Registration?..... What’s that....?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment...” said the
cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “Thank you Ma’am. I’ll be back in a
minute...” said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on
the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; “Ummm....is this woman
driving a red sports car?” “Yes....” replied the officer. “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the
dispatcher. “Uh... yes” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do....” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants...” “WHAT!!? I can’t do that. Its..... inappropriate...” exclaimed the cop. “Trust me..... just
do it....” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops
his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs...”Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyser...”
Mike was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was
permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Mike decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. And, after weeks of
negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realised that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Mike asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the gentleman answered, Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears. Mike got very angry and
threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he
asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me? and she replied: Well, you have no
ears. Mike again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with
a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better
businessman than the first two put together. Mike was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the
same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered:
Yes. You wear contact lenses. Mike was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in
the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s
pretty hard to wear glasses with no fckking ears!”
Subject: Blond
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and
requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde,
beautiful, I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, “I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot returned to the
cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section
and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, “Why didn’t someone just say so?” Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to
New York.”
An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following examples are quite astounding!
Teddy Sheringham = Teddy Minge rash
Tony Blair PM = I’m tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley = I’m an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine = Elect him, he’s alien
David Mellor = Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand = Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay = Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie = I am a right death case
The Open University = Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force = I’m fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers = Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges = NHS been a godsend
Eastenders = needs a rest
Home and Away = Aha.. yawn mode
Eldorado = Real dodo
Selina Scott = Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov = Eruptive snot
Actors = scrota
Robert DeNiro = error on bidet
Rita Hayworth = Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness = Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson = big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger = He’s grown large ‘n’ crazed
Kylie Minogue = I like ‘em young
Gloria Estefan = large fat noise
Chris Rea = rich arse
Marti Pellow = Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl = Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles = Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona = O dear, I’m a gonad
Martina Navratilova = Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini = Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome = O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester = Boddington’s stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive = Pint ‘o’ lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor = Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor = Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station = I eat coronary vomit stews
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil’s Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ‘em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
This one’s amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be:
that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard’s
best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” --Neil A. Armstrong = A thin man ran;
makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
You know you work in the ‘90’s when...
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
18. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never
get crossed off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarising a project” are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the gym better than your next door neighbours.
3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING:
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love
to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The
researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are. --Matt Lauer
on NBC’s Today show, August 22
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City
Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief
and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people,
teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual
sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!” One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives
birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the
only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what’s going on here!” The missionary
replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called
an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature
does this on occasion.” The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about
the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.”
The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic
rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran
the Zoo, and Why Can’t I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym
Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping
two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully
through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances
wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they
undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous
relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss’ probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The
Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as “tricks.”
At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to
warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the
primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella,
essentially saying, “Down with morality; down with God!”
After pooh-poohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several
icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of
lacteal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned
them “for the afternoon.” Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the
Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora’s box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases
Thing One, or Freud’s concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between
the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Super ego which functions to reward and punish through a system of
moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, “Now look at this trick. Take a look!”
In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his
own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the
house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns
that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children.
At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch,
which proceeds to put the two youngsters’ lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud’s concepts on the dynamics of the human
psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss’ poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves
as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in
the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or
less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
KIDS & SCIENCE
The FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS’ SCIENCE EXAMS:
* “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
* “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
* “When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
* “H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
* “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”
* “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
* “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
* “The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains
the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there
are five - a, e, i, o and u.”
* “Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
* “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
* “For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.”
* “For Fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
between the knees of thenearest medical doctor.”
* “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
* “The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no
water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
* “Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
* “Germinate: To become a naturalised German.”
* “To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
* “To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big
event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers
to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no
idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and
sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! Who’s been eating my porridge?!”
he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
Who’s been eating my porridge?!” he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and screams, For God’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the
fucking porridge yet!!”
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who
was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the
end.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with
clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behaviour)
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall
from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-inhell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week.”
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department
soon.
404 - Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404. Not Found,” meaning that the
requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him... he’s 404, man.”
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast
food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were
in.”
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dyan, my
... um ... friend.”
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles)
and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
A driver was pulled over by the police. As the officer walked up, the driver wound down the window and
asked: “What’s the matter, officer?”
“Well did you see the stop sign back there, sir?”
“Of course I did; that’s why I stopped at it.”
“Not according to my radar gun. It recorded you went through it at 25 mph”
Sitting next to the driver was his wife, who spoke up:
“ I knew he hadn’t seen the stop sign when he didn’t slow down.”
“What’s the speed limit along this road sir?”
“40 mph.”
“Absolutely right. and what speed were you doing further back?”
“ Well, maybe 45, or just over.”
“Not according to my radar gun. You were travelling at 57 mph.”
His wife spoke again: “I told him he was driving too quickly, but he refused to slow down.”
The officer continued: “And I am sorry to tell you that one of your brake lights is out at the back.”
“It is? I didn’t know that.”
Piped up his wife: “Yes he did. I told him about it over a week ago.”
That was the last straw. The driver turned to his wife and said: “Will you bloody well shut up.”
“The policeman looked at the woman and asked: “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
“No, not normally.... only when he’s had too much to drink.”
How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd
number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads
were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who
built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons
would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that’s the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the
benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else
had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5
inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be
exactly right!.
A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and
the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember....
When I’m having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to
frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the asshole in the mouth!
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
10001011110011100111 Tee hee Snigger!
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked “I’ve always wanted to find out what’s worn under the
kilt”.
The sentry replied: “There is nothing worn, Ma’am, it’s all in perfect working order”
RADAR OH REALLY
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem
- a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”.
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket full of
change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
Diary of a Snow Shoveler:
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.
Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such
a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we’ll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the
end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t
think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s
our neighbour.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8” last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shovelling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. l didn’t realise I would have to do quite
this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove
in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t
in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile
the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the
wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a
wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when
she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14” of
the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy
playing hockey. I think they’re lying.
December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I
have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he’s lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s
so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s
too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2” of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to
do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s
lying.
December 24: 6”. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I
broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough,
I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn
snowplough.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
fucking slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling
makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a
Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my
nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes
froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches of snow predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more
shovelling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Training Courses for Women
The following Training courses are now available for women
1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don’t Need New Shoes every Day
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Petrol
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don’t Like To
23. Sex - It’s For The Married Couple Too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Womanly Truisms
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
 Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
 Perhaps you know why women over sixty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and
forget where they left them.
 One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
 I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
 The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.
 Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
 Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
 If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
 You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
 I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
 Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
 It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
 Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
 The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
 Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
 Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
chocolate cake.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was
that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the following day
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven the angel at the gate, remembering about
the new law, promptly asked the man, “Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died”
“No problem”, said the man “Well, for some time now, I’ve thought my wife was having an affair I believed
that each day on her lunch hour, she’d bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him,
today I was going to come home to and catch them Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began
searching for this guy My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment But, damn
it, I couldn’t find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man
hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out
there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground But, wouldn’t you know it, he landed in
some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside
to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was
the refrigerator
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly
The angel sat back and thought for a moment Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of
passion, so he announced, “Ok, sir Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven”, and let him in
A few seconds later the next guy came up “Ok Here’s the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the
day you died”
“Sure thing”, the man replied “But you’re not gonna believe this I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily
however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine When all of a
sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well
of course I fall I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away As
I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his
refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!”
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story “I could get used to this new policy”, he
thinks to himself “Very well”, the angel announces, “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven”, and he lets the man
enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate “Tell me about the day you died”, said the
angel “Ok Picture this”, says the man “I’m naked inside a refrigerator”
At an international women’s conference, the topic for discussion was how to empower women in the home. The
first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said; “I decided to make a stand against my
husband’s oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing, After the first day I saw no
result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing.” The delegates
applauded this brave stand for women’s rights. The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said;
“I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the
first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the
both of us.” Again the conference applauded. Next came the Australian delegate. She said; “I told my husband
that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I nothing;
but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorise your favourite poem.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say “I love you”-mean it.
5. When you say “I’m sorry” look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say “Bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as
any others.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the Earth.
34. Pray. There’s immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth’s greatest
satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules, then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each
other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Now, here’s the FUN part! Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 or more: Your life will improve drastically and everything you dreamed of will begin to take shape.
Introducing-the new Bio-Optic Organised Knowledge device.
The acronym for this new technology is simply “BOOK”.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use that even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be
used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as
a CD-ROM disc!
Here’s how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands
of bits of information. These sheets of paper (called “pages”) are socked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering
information directly into the brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet... BOOK never crashes or
requires rebooting, though like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it. And, it becomes
somewhat damaged if dropped on a hard surface. But it can be repaired. Its “browse” feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature,
which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark”
accessory (smaller than a “page”) allows you to open “BOOK” to the exact place you left it in a previous
session, even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be
used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of sheets in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional
programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Inter-communication Language Styli (PENCILS).Portable,
durable and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave! BOOK’s appeal
seems so certain that thousand of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking to invest. Some envision a time when “BOOKstores,” a collection and holding entity, will be a
common sight, where Americans will gather to read a BOOK and drink a cup of coffee. Look for a flood of
new titles soon!
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the
cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk and to make matters worse, they had taken
the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few
hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that
stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas
tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?” And thus the tradition of angels
atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
A manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed
his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, by the way, sir, did you know that your
barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that
his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the
way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The
secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel
bags.”
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober - William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools - Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut - Ernest
Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on - Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it - Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink - G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time - Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure - Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol - T.J. Schmitt (Anonymous)
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast - W.C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her - W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder - Anonymous
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs - David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes - Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading - Henny Youngman
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me - Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer - Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy - Benjamin Franklin
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind - Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine - David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world - Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer - Homer Simpson
No matter how rich a man is, he can drink no more than 40 beers a day -Pete Coors
To Beer: the solution to -- and the cause of -- all of life’s problems - Homer Simpson
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy - Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? - Stephen Wright
I drink to make other people interesting - George Jean Nathan
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life Anon.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to
feel all day - Frank Sinatra
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven.. - Brian O’Rourke
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer - Frank Zappa
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose - Deep
Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza - Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer - Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with
beer - Homer Simpson
A STORMY RELATIONSHIP
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and
he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in there?”
The guy in the Rolls says “Yes, of course I do.”
“I got one too... see?”
“Uh huh, yes, that’s very nice.”
Then the man in the Granada says, “You got a fax machine?”
“Why, actually, yes, I do.”
“I do too! See? It’s right here!”
“Uh-huh.”
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, “So, do YOU have a double bed in back
there?”
And the guy in the Rolls says “NO! Do you?”
“Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!”
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two
weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He
finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all
fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the
foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out and the
guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?”
“Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What’s up?”
“Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”
And the man in the Granada says, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!”
The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on
one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
- “Hello?”
- “Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”
- “Yes.”
- “Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it?”
- “What’s the price?”
- “Only $1, 500.00”
- “Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much...”
- “Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year...”
- “What price did he quote you?”
- “Only $60,000...”
- “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
- “Great! Before we hang up, something else...”
- “What?”
- “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this
morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”
- “How much are they asking?”
- “Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...”
- “Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
- “OK, sweetie... Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
- “Bye... I do too...”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises is hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present:
- “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
JACK SCHITT
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says ‘you don’t know Jack Schitt’. Now you can handle
the situation.
Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Nee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced
six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, a high school drop out and the twins Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married William
Sherlock and because here kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son called Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and consequently married the
Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says ‘you don’t know Jack Schitt’ you can correct them.
A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the
director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury
him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”
“No,” she insists. “My husband wanted it to be a blue suit.” She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When
she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells
the director,” Thank You, that is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?”
He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another man was
brought in, this one wearing a dark blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other
widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I
switched the heads.
In Melbourne one of the radio stations pays money, ($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing
stories. This morning’s one netted the proud owner $300. As the lady said: “...I was due later that week for an
appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it
was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women
do I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going
to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave
myself a wash in “that area” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw
the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was
in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised
when he said, “My.. we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven’t we?”, but I didn’t respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning, the evening meal etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a
school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, “Mum - where’s my washcloth?” I called back for her
to get another from the cabinet. She called back, “No - I need the one that was here by the sink - It had all my
glitter and sparkles in it”
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who’d seen all the magician’s tricks a million times, long ago having
figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.
The parrot grew to be bored; his owner was growing stale and was not developing any new tricks that the parrot
could figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician’s performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned
except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard,
immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the
magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn’t take his eyes off him.
Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even
blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, “Ok, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke
down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other
engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers
about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have
failed, and we are stuck here for some time. The good news is that this not American Airlines”
The year is 1976 in Moscow.
Boris the out-of-work worker goes into the Moscow Vodka Factory in Russia and says....”Please give me a
job.”
“Sign here comrade,” says the manager.
“I’m illiterate,” says Boris.
“Get out of here! No job,” snarls the manager.
The year is 2000 in New York.
Boris the Russian-American building inspector goes into a New York jeweller’s and pays cash for a $20,000
necklace for his girlfriend. “You could have written a check for this purchase sir,” says the clerk.
Boris thinks to himself “If I could write, I would be working in a Moscow Vodka Factory.”
Linda and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems a little troubled and asks her. “Is something
bugging you, you look a little anxious?” “Well, my husband just lost all his money and life savings in the stock
market,” Jill explained. “Oh, that’s too bad,” Linda sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”
“Yeah, I am,” Jill, said. “I think he’ll miss me.”
A blonde decided that since she had a little time on her hands, she could earn a few extra dollars doing some
handy-man (woman?) kind of jobs in the neighbourhood. She went to a neighbour’s house and asked the man if
there was anything she could do to earn some money.
The man said, Sure, I’ll give you $50 to paint my porch. The paint and brushes are right outside. I was going to
do it today, but I’ll let you do it. The blonde thanked him, and went off to paint the porch. The man proudly
went to his wife and announced, I just got that dizzy blonde down the street to paint my whole porch for $50!
Wait until she finds out that it goes all the way around the house!
About twenty minutes later the blonde returned, proudly announcing that she was done. ‘Impossible!’
exclaimed the man. ‘No’ said the blonde, ‘As a matter of fact, I had some extra paint, so I gave it two coats.’
And then the blonde added, ‘Oh, by the way, that’s not a porch - it’s a Ferrari.’
It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police car in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment,
his police dog was barking in the back of the car and the cop saw little Billy nearby, staring at him. “Is that a
dog you got back there?” Billy asked.
“It sure is,” he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the car where the dog was caged and then to the
jail. Finally he said, “Well, what did he do?”
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the territories formerly known as the United States of America,
In the light of your recent failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP) will appoint a minister for America
further elections. Congress and the Senate is herby disbanded, most people will not notice.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. The use of “US English” is herby abolished. Microsoft has been notified of the change and be required to
issue an immediate software update
2. All citizens will be required to raise vocabulary to acceptable levels
3. All citizens will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
4. All citizens will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
5. What has been referred to as American “football” is herby abolished.
6. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 15th will be a new national holiday, It will be called
“Indecisive Day”.
7. A copy of the Oxford English Dictionary will be distributed, each will be required to look up “aluminium”
and learn how to pronounce it properly.
8. All American cars are hereby banned and should be surrendered to the nearest scrap yard for disposal.
European cars will be issued as replacements with the steering wheel on the correct side of the vehicle.
9. Effective immediately all road signs will be replaced to reflect new regulations for driving on the proper side
of the roadway.
10. All Citizens are herby required to learn geography and to acknowledge the territories formerly known as the
United States of America as a British Crown Dependency.
Thank you for your cooperation.
An honest politician, an honest lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which
one picked it up?? Santa! The other two don’t exist!
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her
hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
NEW FLORIDA SLOGANS
FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts...
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: We put the “duh” in Florida.
Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, no wait...10 miles.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill
repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
“Would ya look at that Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a
house the likes of that place!” They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the
house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
“Did ya see that Darby?” Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I
just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the
flesh. ‘Tis a shame, I tell ya!”
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to
see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. “Oh no, Darby look!” Said Pat removing his
cap. “One of the poor girls musta’ died.”
IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller
time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, “Would you like us to call you before we come?” I replied that I
didn’t see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren’t working. He also requested that we report
future outages by email (does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never
signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I
had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too
many deer were being hit by cars and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with
an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
doing driving?!”
IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to ‘down sizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often,” Not a
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of
her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!” To which he
replied, “I know - I already got that side.”
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and
tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and
slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s
going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that
TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started...”
There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace
one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting.
He turned to her and said, “Look my dear, it has begun to rain!” Without even looking up from her knitting she
replied, “It’s too cold to rain. It must be sleeting.”
The Czar shook his head and said, “I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that save more time?) (Whose
body?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the
construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to
write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you’ve tried this...)
On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That’s
right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan
River, looking across at the promised land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans,
“Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.”
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, “Don’t worry. You will sink only
proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the
water.”
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first
brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade
out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to
sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would
ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river’s bank.
As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going
next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only
his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, “I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend
of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!”
Archangel Michael replied, “He’s standing on Clinton’s shoulders!”
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging
through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular
genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie
clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever
sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men
considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he
spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!”
A fellow in his 40’s buys a new Mercedes and decides to test it out on the freeway. He is running about 80MPH
with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair. All of a sudden he notices a highway patrol cruiser
flashing his red lights directly behind his car. In an instant, he decides that his new Mercedes can easily outrun
the patrol car so he jumps the speed up to 100, then 115 and finally 125. The patrol car is right behind him and
the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over. The patrolman walks up to him and asks for his
drivers’ license. He then looks at the driver and says “this is my ticket for my shift and I really hate writing up a
bunch of paperwork. If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before I will let you off.” The driver
thinks for a second and says: “Officer, two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop
and trying to give her back to me.” The patrolman let him go....
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his
talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” Suzy cried out.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the preacher.
“Dead!” yelled Little Johnny.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
“Darling, would you give me a blowjob?”
Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: “Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much!!!”
Her: “No, no and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you...”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair
dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise, I can do
it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God’s sake tell him to take his hand off
the intercom...”
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a
mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to
lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’ It worked.
Why the US attacked Iraq twice
A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in the seemingly random US
military aggression since World War II. “We think they are spelling out a message”, explains an unnamed
spokesperson. “If we take the first letters of Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua
and Somalia, it spells ‘ELVIS _S KING’. We just need to find another ‘I’ country to complete the message.”
Maybe this explains the second attack on Iraq?!
Sadam’s Q & A (G)
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52... F-16... A-20...
Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Russia’s Airline, Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of
the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s
picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The
flight to Egypt,” said Kyle. “I see.. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said. “But
who’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius -- the Pilot!”
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,”
Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I
descend into hell!” A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trap door would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope
could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”
Three stages of a relationship
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST - When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE - When Intercourse is a town in Scotland.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what’s a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to gripe about work.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner’s feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you’re only concerned as to what’s on TV.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.
LOVE - When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you’re only interested in your golf score.
LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it’s time to clean the garage.
LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you’re allowed
Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door # 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If Earth’s population was shrunk into a village of just 100 people - with all the human ratios existing in the
world still remaining - what would this tiny, diverse village look like?
That’s exactly what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the Stanford University School of Medicine,
attempted to figure out. This is what he found.
57 would be Asian
21 would be European
14 would be from the Western Hemisphere
8 would be African
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world’s wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be pregnant
1 would have a college education
1 would own a computer
THE BUSINESS END OF THE SHTICK
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man
says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
MAKING A SPECTACLE OF HIMSELF
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in
my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
“You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I
married.”
“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
THE FIGHT WAY
A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,
‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever’.” “Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that
reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.’”
The following is an anonymous interpretation:
Think of it this way. If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and can read, you are a member of a very
select group.
And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a computer, you are among the very elite.
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more fortunate than the million who will
not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the
pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are fortunate, more
than three billion people in the world can’t.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer
than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ...you are among the top
8% of the world’s wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful... you are blessed because the majority
can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you
can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and
furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
A REAL RUNWAY MODEL
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete
circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this
airplane?”
Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!”
PICTURE PERFECT CRIME
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo of Handcuffs.
THAT’S THE TICKET!!!!!
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.” He
replied, “Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he
realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too
hard to start her car for several minutes.
SAFARI SO GOODY
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the
dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now.” (He was an Irish setter)... Then he noticed some bones on
the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there are any more around here?” Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly
had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being
made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine.”
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?”
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And
just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent
him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”
THE PIGGLY WIGGLY
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games
slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “It’s the piggy that ate roast beef.”
BURNING BUSH
G.W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen
Elizabeth, who says, “Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me
show you.”
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, “Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother.
Who is it?”
Tony Blair replies, “It’s me!”
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, “Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your
brother. Who is it?”
And Cheney says, “Wow, that’s a tough one. Let me get back to you.”
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, “Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your
brother. Who is it?”
And Colin Powell says, “It’s me!”
So Cheney calls Bush and says, “It’s Colin Powell.”
And Bush says, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
SUPER GRANNY
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her
voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver’s
seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of
the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
BY IT’S COVER
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at
his local library branch.
A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, “You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with
lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an
overdue fine, you can’t just-”
“I had to throw the book at him,” said the judge.
“I know,” said the librarian, “but the Oxford English Dictionary?”
A Frog Joke
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack. So he says, ‘‘Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday.’’
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The
teller asks his name and the frog says it’s Kermit Jagger and that it’s ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral
against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says “Sure, I have this” and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She
finds the manager and says: ‘‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants
to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral’’. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘‘I mean, what
is this?’’
The bank manager replies: “It’s a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling
Stone”.
Dr. Seuss’s lost tongue twister
See if you can do this: Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our
maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care
of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
“About two hours,” says the conductor.
“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?”
The irate conductor says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours, laddie. Why’d ya think there’d be a
difference?”
“Well,” says the drunk, “it’s only a week between Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s a helluva long time
between New Year’s and Christmas!”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they
were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The
third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the
church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The
chicken was delicious.”
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of
his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies... Nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree.”
“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of
alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” Ed is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out
of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home Sit down please; would you
like to have a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his
continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone
handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
“WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing ‘nothing but vines’ strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of
gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really
feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know...” She stares into his
eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean-”, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my e-mail from here..?”
Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by
QANTAS. Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to
log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots’ squawks.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That’s what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you’re right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to “Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious.”
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in
white?”
“Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain,
keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, and then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and
yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon
up later.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like it.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
“Under the wagon.”
RISE N’ SHINE
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning.
“I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog.”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly”.
She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. “Here,” she said, “you must put it here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony with tears flowing down her cheeks. Eventually managed to gasp for air, “What did
you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
ABSOLUTELY SWEET MARIE
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, “Ya know, I reckon I’m about
ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions
as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two
years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and
darned if Marie didn’t get pregnant again.”
Lester asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Marie with me.”
AIR TRAFFIC CON TROLL
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one’s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747 (call sign “Speedbird 206”) after landing:
Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.”
Ground: “Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!”
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?”
Speedbird 206 (cooly): “Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but I didn’t stop.”
TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR CLONE
10. You can talk with yourself without people thinking you are crazy.
9. Play the mirror game.
8. Play high stakes poker using internal organs as your ante.
7. Finally see what that weird mole on your back really looks like
6. You can finally drive in the carpool lane on the way to work.
5. Confuse the hell out of your dog. Don’t worry, your cat won’t care.
4. Send them to your prostrate exam.
3. Give your barber the willies with the fattest growing haircut ever.
2. Be very noticeable at your favourite coffee shop while your clone is robbing banks.
1. Well, if you’ve ever wanted to see how good you are in bed now is your chance!
The Sun Herald’s 24 Best Newspaper Headlines of 2000
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
24. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”
His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”
HOW TO GET MORE BUSINESS
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him
that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told
him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if
we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!”
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He
stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads and squeezed. Out
popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you so much!” the mother cried. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replied the man, “I work for the IRS.”
LEMON PICKING
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too
qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.
“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what
the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus!
Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
ETERNAL BLOATING
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough
to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”
BRIGHT SIGNS!
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s
supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them
while they’re out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber
of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside
worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome
leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of
stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts
fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.
“HURRY, HURRY,” she urges. “IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”
MAKING MONEY
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and
they give him $100.”
Little Johnny says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
PETE IN PAYROLL
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?” one asked.
“He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his coworker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well,
you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“Ten years to life.”
ACTUAL SIGNS POSTED BY BUSINESSES
Sign on an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labour Day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
Scientist’s Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist’s Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher’s Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we’ll wait.
DIVORCED BARBIE
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he
asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. “
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s
furniture... “
LOVE DRESS
A mother is going over to son’s house, who happened to be just married.
She knocks on the door, and her daughter-in-law answers, naked.
The mother is shocked, and goes, “Why are you walking around the house naked?”
The new wife replies, “Well, this is my love dress, and when I wear this dress, my husband gets really excited.”
The mother ponders over this for a while, and then goes home.
After a little more thinking, the mother decides to try it on her husband when he gets home.
So when her husband knocks on the door, she answers it, naked.
The husband looks her up and down.
Then asks, “Why in the world are you walking around the house naked?!”
So the mother explains, “This is my love dress.”
The husband looks shocked, and then replies, “Well, it needs to be ironed!”
THE LINEUP
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma,
I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.”
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went immediately to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her Grandpa had died, her grandma explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on
Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
“Oh no,” her granny replied, “we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the
dings and out with the dongs.” She paused, and wiped away a tear. “If it wasn’t for that damn Ice Cream van
going past, he’d still be alive.”
Married Life
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
“I have a headache.” “Perfect” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, ... it’s up to you!”
HOW TO IRRITATE PEOPLE IN 16 EASY STEPS
1.During the lunch break, sit in a parked car and aim a hair-dryer at passing cars, just to see them slow down.
2.Use the intercom to call yourself (do not change your voice)
3. Every time someone asks you something, you ask: “Do you want ketchup with it?”
4.Encourage your colleagues to do the rain dance with you every Wednesday
5. Take a waste bin, put it on our desk and write “Incoming mail” on it.
6. Develop an unnatural fear for staplers.
7. Use decaf in the coffee machine for about three weeks. And when everyone has kicked off caffeine, switch to
espresso.
8. Answer everything anyone says with: “That’s what you think.”
9. Skip instead of walk
10. Ask people what gender they are.
11. Sing with the opera
12. Visit the poetry club and ask them why they don’t rhyme.
13. Find out where your boss buys his outfits and buy the same. Wear it the day after your boss did. This is
extremely effective when your boss is not the same sex as you are
14. Hang a curtain around your desk
15. Tell your friend five days ahead that you won’t come to their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Ask people if they are pregnant.
STEEPLE CHASTE
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me where is this man now?”
“Flat on his ass over by the holy water,” said the boy.
THE CAT’S ME-OW!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss
thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the
new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”
“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”
“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a
second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was
not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between
my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely
the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needlelike claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
“flight” option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.
Computer Guys Have a Sense of Humour Too...
Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the
computer guy, over to her desk.
Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Jane called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane’s face. “An ID ten T error? What’s that ... in case I need to fix it
again??”
He gave her a grin... ;-) ... “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” replied Jane.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T Error
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide
where you want to go.”
“Well, what’s the difference between the two?” Bill asks.
God says, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay, then,” says Bill. “Let me try Hell first.”
So Bill goes to Hell. It’s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running
around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is
very pleased. “This is great!” he tells God. “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It’s nice, but not as
enticing as Hell.
Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. “Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he tells God.
“Fine,” replies God. “As you desire.”
So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing
in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being
burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going?” he asks Bill.
Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I
visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
“Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER.”
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: “This is all in your mind” and refers him to
a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the
psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: “This is powerful healing, but you
can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1-2-3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!” The guy
then asks the witch doctor: “What happens when it’s over?” The witch doctor says: “All you or your partner has
to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed
with her and says: “1-2-3” and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says: “What did you say
‘1-2-3’ for?”
COR! WHAT A BIRD!
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led
him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He
died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back
down?”
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recorded monitoring in the
customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause.” Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect
Customer Support employee (NOW I know why they record these conversations)!
“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”
This is long but very amusing; an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The bank thought it amusing enough to publish it in the
New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has
only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No
more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like
you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is
an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation, income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much
like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set
of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing repayment. 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry. 4. To
transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received. 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the
call is received. 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; extension of toilet to be communicated at the
time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not home. 8. To leave a message on my
computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to
the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody
Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost-- a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquires from your
nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in
the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a
minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquires brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
Your humble client, xxxxx.
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do
it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you’re a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all
day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
18. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Windows 2000 Error Messages
The following are just some of the new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the
planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message: ‘Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)’
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.
BIBLE STUDY!
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife
and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the
flea?”
WEATHER VANITY
The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really
knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village
were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked,
“Is this winter to be cold?”
The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.”
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called
the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two
weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be
very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!”
THE GREAT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry
from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the
Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe,
however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a
“silent” debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the
Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the
Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up
three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out
the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. “Well,” said
Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then
he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we
stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”
NOT A PRAYER!
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would
you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy
say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
people to dinner?”
LOSING FACE
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the
child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
WISE OLD GENTLEMAN
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three
young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can
they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it
was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they
banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express
your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour?
I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated
and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This
recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50
cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more
than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans
around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for
the rest of his days.
DRINKING BUDDIES
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and
they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning,
one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and
feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is
great. We should do this more often!
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No... “
“Well, DON’T, ‘cause I’m in Phoenix.”
ALIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out
and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all
means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and
headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort
hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches
in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one
isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
THE NEW NEWLYWED GAME
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to
go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back...”
“Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife says to him, “You want a beer my love?” Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him
25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, “Yes, Honey Pie...but
the bar you know...the frozen glass...”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, “You want a frozen glass Puppy
Face?” She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are
really delicious... I won’t be long I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres Pookie Pooh?” She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors
d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that...”
“You want dirty words Cutie Pie?.. HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING
MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT
ARSEHOLE?!!”
LATER COMER
When I was teaching at a local university, the eight o’clock class always managed to get there on time.
However, we had one student, a cheerleader type, who never seemed to make my nine o’clock class any less
than ten minutes late on the three days we had class.
One day I told a joke about a local business owner who had received one of those forms from the government
which had stated: Please list your number of employees broken down by sex. He wrote back that he didn’t
believe that he had any broken down by sex, but some of them did come in late occasionally.
The class was chuckling pretty good when the cheerleader walked in. I raised my eyebrows and said, “I rest my
case.”
It took a few minutes before we could actually get anything done after that. Someone must have told the
cheerleader about the joke because she was never late for class again.
THE GIFT OF LIFE
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created you! As a cow, you must
go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of
50 years.”
The cow objected, “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and
the 30 years I’ll give back to you.” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by
the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I’ll give a life span of 20
years.”
The dog objected, “What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!”
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “Monkeys have to entertain people. You’ve
got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I’ll give you 20 years life span.”
The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other
10 years I’ll give you back.” So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very
much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I’ll give you a 20 year life
span.”
The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to
live only for 20 years? No way, man!...Why don’t we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and
the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes
my life span 70 years, right?” So God agreed.
AND THAT’S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the
next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our
grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by
the front door and bark at people!
DIVORCE WHISPERER
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your
divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t
communicate with me.”
VIKING OF THE MOUNTAIN
A Minnesotan dies and is sent to hell. He was a horrible man throughout life and the devil really wanted to
punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the
temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days the Devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The Devil is aghast
as he looks at the Minnesotan happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The Devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re
crushing rocks, why are you so happy?”
The Minnesotan, smiling looks at the Devil replying, “This is great, it reminds me of August in Minnesota. Hot,
humid a good piece of work to do - it reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”
The Devil, perplexed, walks away to ponder this. He decides to change things up a bit -drops the temperature,
sends down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. The Minnesotan is happily
slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the Devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
The Minnesotan replies, “This is great. Just like April in Minnesota. Reminds me of working out in the fields
with spring plantin’!”
The Devil is now completely baffled. In desperation, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature
plummet. Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will have to do it, the Devil checks in on the
Minnesotan. He is aghast as he sees the Minnesotan dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he
cavorts in glee.
“How can you be so happy? It’s like you’re celebrating. Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the
Devil.
“Hell’s frozen over!” replies the Minnesotan, “The Vikings won the Superbowl!”
SQUIRMS OF ENDEARMENT
A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen
he said to his buddy:
“I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a Polish joke?” The guy next to him
replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6’ tall, 200 lbs, and I am Polish. The
guy sitting next to me is 6’2” tall, weighs 225, and he’s Polish. The fella next to him is 6’5” tall, weighs 250,
and he’s Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” The first guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain
it three times.”
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth,
but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few
minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, “How are you able to stay under
this deep without equipment?”
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron...!”
ON A ROLL
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet
twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier
when I’m completely nude.” With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling,
“Momma needs new clothes!” Then she hollers...”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other
dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”. The other answers, “I thought YOU
were watching!”
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached
his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going
well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, “Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
LET’S WORK IT OUT
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-centre), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
JUST PLANE DUMB
The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from
neighbouring Peru. “Pedro,” he ordered his aide-de-camp, “I want you to climb that mountain and report any
signs of Peruvian military activity.”
“Si, Capitano,” replied Pedro. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a
squadron of planes heading their way.
“There are many planes coming, Capitano,” he promptly radioed back.
“Friends or enemies?” the Captain demanded urgently.
Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, Capitano,” he replied. “I
think they must be friends.”
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making
unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to
enter the command: C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0
to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0
or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
--Tech Support
JUDGE NOT...
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly
woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And
frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize
you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defence attorney?”
She replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for
his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in
the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for
contempt!”
MEMO FROM SANTA CLAUS
To: All Parents
CC: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Subject: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States
on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that
in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be
my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, such as:
1. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie)
on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
2. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Dasher’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
3. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I
her’d dat!”
4. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the
Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German which was the other possibility. As part of the
negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be
dropped in favour of the”k”. This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make
words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is
disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
“th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary
“o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes
vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech
ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!
Tech Support Stories...
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a
customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print
fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for
yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing
worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I
was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the
error message: “Can’t find the printer. On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the
screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the
movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then
I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if
they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No carrier, ‘ on my screen. What’s wrong?”
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he
was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower
case letters. Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.
ODD SIGNS
Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out
Sign in a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs
In an office: Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be
Taken
Outside a farm: Horse Manure 50p Per Pre-Packed Bag 20p Do-It-Yourself
In an office: After Tea Break Staff Should Empty The Teapot And Stand Upside Down On The Draining Board
On a church door: This Is The Gate Of Heaven. Enter Ye All By This Door. This Door Is Kept Locked Because Of The
Draft. (Please Use Side Door.)
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating
Outside a secondhand shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife
Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The Town Hall Is Closed Until Opening. It
Will Remain Closed After Being Opened. Open Tomorrow.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out To Lunch: If Not Back By Five, Out For Dinner Also
Outside a disco: Smarts Is The Most Exclusive Disco In Town. Everyone Welcome
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any Person Passing This Point Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District
Council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due To Increasing Problems With Litter Louts And Vandals We Must Ask
Anyone With Relatives Buried In The Graveyard To Do Their Best To Keep Them In Order
Sign on motorway garage: Please Do Not Smoke Near Our Petrol Pumps. Your Life May Not Be Worth Much But Our
Petrol Is
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone Leaving Their Garments Here For More Than 30 Days Will Be Disposed Of.
Notice in health food shop window: Closed Due To Illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
Seen during a conference: For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn’t Know It, There Is A Day Care On The First Floor
Notice in a field: The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free, But The Bull Charges
Message on a leaflet: If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How To Get Lessons
Sign on a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door - The Bell Doesn’t Work)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I Shoot Every Tenth Trespasser And The Ninth One Has Just Left
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet Out Of Order. Please Use Floor Below
IT ALL ADDS UP!
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times
three?”
“274” was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday” replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?
“Nine” says the third man.
“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful
guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of
overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and
devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO’s son
when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you’ll be
working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you’ll lose under your “Stock Option” plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn’t a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for “Hell’s Medical
Organization.” It was organized by some of Hell’s finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked
night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down
to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don’t
forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician’s name. You may
never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written
permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight
in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this
gives an employee a “grace period” to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take
during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked “Complaints” in the employee break room. All
complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don’t miss the last one.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next
morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never
the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practising law somewhere.
Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put
“Poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey
building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at
ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I
met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my
legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to
report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down
onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry
The Priest and the Rabbi
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding on a plane, each enjoying a leisurely cocktail and after a while start to chat a bit.
The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responds “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asks “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and leaned back in his seat to relax.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you
remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork, isn’t it?
14 Questions
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above? Well this test is similar, it’s from
DENSA. It’s a lot more fun. Give it a try: Write down or remember your answers and DON’T CHEAT!!!!!
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes/No
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills
last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5’ 10’’ tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border. In which country you bury the survivors?
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
The Densa Test, Your Evaluation. Give yourself one point for each correct answer..... Good luck!
1. Is there a fourth of July in England? Yes, it comes after the third of July!
2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Just one!
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 12, all of them!
4. How many outs are there in an inning? 20, 10 per side!
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? No - because he is dead!
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour.How many minutes would the pills last?
60, Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9 (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? Zero...it wasn’t Moses..it was Noah
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5’ 10’’ tall. What does he weigh? Meat, a butcher weighs meat!
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? There are 12 - 2cent stamps in a dozen!
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border. In which country you bury the survivors? The survivors
would probably rather wait until they die to be buried!
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter? Three coins. One
is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel.
Add Your Score... How did you do? Correct Answers Rating
13-14 Genius 10-12 Above Normal
7-9 Normal 4-6 Slow
1-3 Idiot
0 Brain dead
70 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for
sensual massage.’
3. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go.’
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with
friends in public consisting entirely of ‘Beeeep Bip Bip
Beeeep Bip...’
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with
your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a
camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a ‘robot’ voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your
food, and announce that this is so no one will ‘swipe
your grub.’
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog ‘Dog.’
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all weather conditions ‘to keep them tuned up.’
16. Reply to everything someone says with ‘that’s what
YOU think.’
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as
part of your ‘astronaut training.’
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and
sue your neighbours upstairs for ‘violating your
airspace.’
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a ‘real hoot.’
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and ‘cc:’ them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations,
and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of
ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your
backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a ‘spider
person.’
26. Finish all your sentences with the words ‘in
accordance with prophesy.’
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your
sentences, producing awkward silences with the
impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and ‘accidentally’ flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every
action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you ‘like it that way.’
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s
backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next
Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
‘croaking’ noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter’s Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of
every show.
48. Tape pieces of ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ over
climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your trousers backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with ‘ooh la la!’
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write ‘X - BURIED TREASURE’ in random spots
on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone
now.’
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as
‘Conquistador.’
66. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
socks.
67. When Christmas carolling, sing ‘Jingle Bells,
Batman smells’ until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says ‘Magnificent One.’
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they
read.
Hunting Elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorith
* A:
* 1. Go to Africa.
* 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
* 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
* 4. During each traverse path,
* a. Catch each animal seen.
* b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
* c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within
plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t Hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will (1)
compliment the vice president, and (2) ensure that there is no recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing
the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
American History Lesson
This is indeed spooky. Check it out. Have a history teacher explain this: (If they can!)
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson
Andrew Johnson who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are composed of fifteen letters
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln’
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker.. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe
Creepy, Huh?
Alcohol Warnings
 The government is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol beverages, such as:
 Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
 Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk
 Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN
 Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish
 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
4 in the morning
 Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants
 Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and or name you can’t remember)
 Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead
 Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some
really, really big guy named Chuck
 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible
 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you
 Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes
large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
 Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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From a Southwest Airlines “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of
this airline...” Two at the front, two over the wing and two at the rear.
Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it’s a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane cleans it.”
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry ... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airline to the
gate.”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as
you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or
were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we
hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son.. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replies the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package.”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college boys.” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....”
PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the
milk.
PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who
has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk. and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them. But the government takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when
you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
CAPITALISM You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows. Because you don’t
have any cows to put up as collateral.
RULES LEFT OUT OF “LIFE’S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK”
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check out three of your friends. If they’re OK, guess
what!
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
10. If you are given an open book exam. you will forget your book.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. You can’t fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he
can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find
them.
18. Law of Probability Distribution: “Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
24. Joke masters cannot count.
World’s Shortest Books
“My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
“To All The Men I’ve Loved Before” by Ellen DeGeneres
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America’s Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
How to Sustain a “Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little
shaken up. helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed
the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked
the doctor. “Sure. After the police leave.” replied the attorney.
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of
liars. And in connection to this, I’d like everyone to read the Mark 17.” On the following Sunday, the preacher
rose to begin and said, “Now then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17. please raise your
hands.” Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher. “You are the people I want to
talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!”
There are three ladies working m the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a
female, leaves work early. One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are going to be right behind
her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So, they all three leave and the brunette
was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was
thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The blonde was happy, happy,
happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly,
she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!! Ever so gently she
closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned
leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. “NO WAY!!” The blonde exclaimed,
“I almost got caught yesterday!”
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside
her. I said, “Hi,” and she said, “Hi,” and then I said, “Nice day, isn’t it?” And she said, “I saw my analyst today
and he says I have a problem.” So I asked, “What’s the problem?” She replied, “I can’t tell you. I don’t even
know you...” I said, “Well sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.” So she
said, “Well, my analyst said I’m a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is
Denise.” I said, “Howdy, Denise. My name is Buck Goldstein...” (Jokes by Steve Wright)
A while ago, I went skiing in Vermont, I got on this chairlift with this big guy I didn’t know. We went halfway
up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve
gone skiing in ten years.” I said, “Why did you take such a long time off?” He said, “I was in prison. Want to
know why?” I said, “Not really. Well, you better tell me why.” He said, “I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris
wheel.” I said,” I remember you.”
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,
figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
“What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner, “you don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your
father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all new penny.
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would and give
us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no...”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think
about it for a while, he could stand back up and try again later.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was
here, he would give us 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
Blonde on Fire
A blonde’s house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, “Help me please! My house is burning!
Hurry!”
The operator said, “Okay, calm down and we’ll be there soon. How do we get to your house?”
The blonde answered, “Duh, in that big red truck!”
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew
increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called
late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and
he would have to return. “What for?” he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and
the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!” Then, noticing the man checking
his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.” The young man replied, “I’m just seeing
if I have enough for two more words!”
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help, One day during recess she
noticed a boy standing by himself on the end of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of
soccer.
She approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later however, she noticed the
boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, the blonde said, “Would you like me to be your
friend?”
The boy hesitated, and then said, “Okay”, looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone? Why don’t you go and
join those boys playing soccer over there?”
“Because,” the little boy said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o’clock news. The main story is a man
threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:
“David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!” to which Beckham replies “5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” So they
shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud
thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses. “I can’t take your money, David,” she says. “The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o’clock
news, so I knew he was going to jump.”
“No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. “That money is yours fair and square, I was cheating just as you were. I saw
the five o’clock news, too. I just didn’t think he would do it again.”
_____________________________
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane
walks in. “Boss,” he says, “there’s a problem. I’m not playing unless I get a cortisone injection.”
“Hey,” says Becks. “If he’s having a new car, so am I.”
_____________________________
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department
store. “What’s that?” he asks. “A Thermos flask,” replies the assistant. “What does it do?” asks Becks. The
assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it
along to his next training session. “Here, boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly. “It’s a Thermos flask.” The
lads are impressed. “What does it do?” they ask. “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, “says David.
“And what have you got in it?” asks Roy Keane. “Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice,” replies David.
_____________________________
Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic knowing she isn’t the brightest
Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her. “You don’t need me to take those dents out,” he says.
“Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place”. So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts “You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up
first!”
_____________________________
David Beckham is celebrating: “57 days, 57 days!” he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He
answers: “Well, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 57 days.” “Is that good?” asks Posh. “You bet,” says David. “It
says 3 to 5 years on the box.”
_____________________________
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no
good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the
ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as
he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth’s’ manager came along and unplugged it.
_____________________________
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the
car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked Posh. “Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the
cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked
Posh. The driver replied: “I’m Victoria Beckham’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
1. Take off clothes and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or
natural
2. Walk to bathroom wearing dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and
rush to the bathroom
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick tummy out whilst complaining about getting fat.
4. Get in shower look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah and pumice stone
5. Wash hair once cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
6. Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
7. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for
15 minutes
8. Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw
9. Wash entire rest of the body with ginger nut and Jaffa body wash
10. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it’s all come off
11. Shave armpits and legs, consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead
12. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot
13. Turn off shower
14. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Mr Muscle
15. Get out of shower and dry with a clean fluffy towel
16. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel
17. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots; attack with nails/tweezers etc.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
19. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas of flesh and rush to bedroom to spend an hour and half getting
dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1 Take off clothes whilst sitting on the bed and leave them in a pile
2 Walk naked to the bathroom; if wife seen shake knob at her whilst shouting whey-hey
3 Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique
4 Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff
5 Get in shower
6 Don’t bother to look for wash cloth, don’t need one
7 Wash face
8 Wash armpits
9 Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower
10 Wash balls and surrounding areas
11 Wash bum leaving hair on the soap
12 Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner
13 Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo; pull back curtain to see self in mirror
14 Piss in shower
15 Rinse off and get out of shower, failing to notice water all over the floor because shower curtain outside bath
for whole of shower time
16 Partially dry off and look at self in the mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again
17 Leave bathroom light and fan on
18 Return to bedroom with towel round waist; if passing wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go “Yeah baby” and
thrust pelvis at her
19 Put on yesterday’s clothes and leave wet towel to dry on bedroom floor.
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally
beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and
open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35-40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the
war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically
unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all-conquering past
but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
THE DOG’S FUNERAL
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and
Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor
creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father, Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”
Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash,” “ambulance.” or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys. $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whore houses, health spas.
gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep,
accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says. “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc. but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose for 2 years!”
At a meeting for peace negotiations George Bush and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when George sat
down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes
Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit George square in the jaw. In the spirit of
peace George decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a
wooden bat swung out and hill George in the chin. Saddam started laughing. But again George ignored this and
continued. A minute later George saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot
sprung out and hit him in the nuts. George had decided he had enough of this and when home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Georges
conference room he noticed George had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started
talking George pressed the first button but nothing happened, George started giggling. They continued to talk
then George pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little
jumpy and George was laughing even harder. A few minutes later George pressed the third button and stared
pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said, “That’s it!
I’m going back to Baghdad!” to which George replied “What Baghdad?”
Three nurses arrive at the Pearly Gates; St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has
been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
“OK”, he says, “Come on in!”
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St.
Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question, She replies that she has been a managed
care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company, St. Peter replies, “OK.
Come on in. But you can only stay three days.”
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple
pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.
The bikers came in. and one grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it.
The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn’t say
a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so
“bad”. As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled. “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the cashier replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three
motorcycles....”
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a
cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and
tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s
smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He
looks back to see that she’s laughing.
He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard,
she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny?”
She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”
A drunk walks into a bar full of customers and slurs to the bartender,
“Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for £76.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him
out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and, slurring as always, says,
“Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill.”
In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replies, “You? No way! You get violent when you drink.”
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots’ hell, he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various “hell rooms.”
“I’ll be right back-don’t go away,” said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run
through pre-flight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights
flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously
opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a
captain’s every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
“Okay, Mac,” said the devil, “Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?”
“Um, I want door number 3,” answered Mac.
“Sorry,” said the devil. “You can’t have door number 3. That’s flight attendants’ hell...”
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
dune....”One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban”
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun-battle breaks out
and continues for a few minutes then silence.
The voice then calls out..... “One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan’s voice calls out again.... “One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban”
The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons,
rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his
commander... “Don’t send anymore men.... it’s a trap.... there’s two of them”
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked
up the phone, listened a moment and said. “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The
husband said. “Who was that?” The wife said. “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is
clear.”
Foregone Conclusion:
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
(C) The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what
you deduce.”
Watson says, “I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets,
it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might
also be life.”
Holmes replies, “Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!”
Avoiding A Collision
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of
Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a fucking lighthouse. Your call.
Subject: Three words
A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall,
handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off
him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer
her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her : “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 - on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied: “You have to tell me what
you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she
pressed into the young man’s hand, along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly,
meaningfully whispered... “Clean my house.”
THE MISSING BULL
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull
was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair
value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the
general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The
lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little
over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train
went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself,
because that darned bull came home this morning.”
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched
for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy. “There might be some matches in the
top drawer,” she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly
on top of a framed picture of another man.... Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he
inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at
all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
Rules of the Air
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless
you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually
watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the
plane again.
It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small
probability of survival and vice versa.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground
going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
SPOT
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing
for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the
doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized
he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.
Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called
out sharply.
“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he craps on you!”
Two Nuns
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister
Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has
happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
And those of you who thought it would be dirty, SHAME ON YOU!
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally
meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning
and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
“You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just
then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him,
“Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”
To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing
before you can enter.” The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through
the gates.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.
“What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind
taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
“I’d be honoured,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a
word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring
around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an
accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?”
To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia”.
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into
flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour,
the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault
in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out
safely! As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two
more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could
bring out the company’s secret files.” From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into
sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the
little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the
distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an
effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double
the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the
old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck
driver looked him right in the eye and said - The first thing we’re going to do is fix the brakes on that old fire
truck!
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this
time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called.”
A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man “I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it”. In all their 40 years of marriage he
honoured her request and never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the
best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles
and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the
box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favourite
restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, “I am so sorry. For all
these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in
and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?” The woman thought
for a while and answered, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I
was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
The man was stunned and said, “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I
travelled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad
considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife, “What
about all that money in the box?” To which she answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in.”
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy
appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one
wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the
tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to
have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90............
Wife 1.0
A software engineer wrote:
Subject: Failed Upgrade
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in
the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialisations, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and
Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance ‘n’
Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not
work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: “General Protection Fault in module
House Security. The Uninstallation will abort.” Can you help me, please?
Here was the reply from Tech Support:
Re: Failed Upgrade
This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to
run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0
but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support;” this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any
circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0
and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual
Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by
Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively. Best of luck!
Mystery Solved
It seemed that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20
years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. “But I don’t need 20 years,” said the monkey. “Ten
years is plenty.” Man spoke up and said: “May I have the other 10 years?” The monkey agreed.
The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up.
“May I have the other 10 years?” “Of course,” said the lion.
Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough. Man again asked
for the spare 10 years and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about
it, and 10 years making a jackass out of himself.
The information contained in this email message and any attachment(s) are (1) the property of Maintrain: (2)
confidential: and (3) may also be legally privileged. They are intended for the addressee only. If you are not the
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protection in place before you open or detach any documents to this email message.
cc: Subject: MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES 09/05/01 21:33
Dear Employees,
Due to current financial position, economic recession and probable future mergers, the management has
decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over 25 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will
be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected for RAPE can apply to the management for
the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) scheme.
The situation of the employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
(Scheme for Retired Early Workers) scheme.
An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice but may be SCREWED as many times as the
management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES
(Half Earning for Retiring Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED by the Management
any further. Employees on SHAFT or SCREW will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as
possible.
The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that
you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the notice of your Manager. We have been trained to give
you all the SHIT that you can handle.
Have a nice day
Payroll Administrator
Famous World Ideologies, As Explained by Cows
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You
have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You
have to take care of the chickens the government
took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say
you should need.
Capitalism
You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend
you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any
cows to put up as collateral.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who
gets the milk.
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the
milk.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and
drafts you.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone
to tell you who gets the milk.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and
your neighbours bicker about who has the most
“ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile,
no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows
drop dead of starvation.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains
and they go mad. The government doesn’t do
anything.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. You steal
back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
black market
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as
much milk as you can and sell it on the “free”
market.
Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when you can
milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then
it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours
the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill
you.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of “ownership”
is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering,
intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you
to take harmonica lessons.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a RECTAL - CRANIAL INVERSION.
The following Training courses are now available for women
1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don’t Need New Shoes every Day
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Petrol
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don’t Like To
23. Sex - It’s For The Married Couple Too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Womanly Truisms
* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
* Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
* Perhaps you know why women over sixty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and
forget where they left them.
* One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
* I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
* Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.
* Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
* Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
* Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
* If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
* You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
* I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
* Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
* It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
* Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
* The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
* Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
* Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
chocolate cake.
Subject: Women drivers
Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand
new Mercedes doing 70 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working
on that makeup!
It scared me (I’m a man) so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other
hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned
Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!
As a trucker in Inverness stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and. you
are losing some of your load.”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again
catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, “Hi,
my name is Kevin, it is winter and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK”
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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to
put on it.”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home’.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is
it common?” “Well... It’s not unusual...”
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this
morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, straight up, no bull!”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says, “Are you
sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
Answer phone message “.... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....”
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
“ “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “ “No,
because he’s really heavy”
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one
of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, “No, you’re right” he said, “The steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I went to a really energetic “Seafood Disco” last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and
for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
that he topped himself.
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes, after lunch they reported to the
teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another
and take out a piece of paper.”
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down, and then she said:
“First Question: Which tire was flat?”
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors should have issued a
press release stating: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway/motorway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
“CarNT,” but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
Cinderella
Written by:
Directed by:
R. Soles
Ivor Whopper
Produced by:
Photographed by:
Nelly Smickers
Claude Balls
This is the story of Cinderella and her sugly isters.
Cinders and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Cinders worked very hard, frubbin scloors, weaning
clindows, emptying poss pits and shivellin shut. By the end of the day she was knucking fackered. Her sugly
isters were fight cucking runts. They did no wucking fork and had no wucking forries. They were right bugly
astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks and they were always pucking
fissed.
The two sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball. Cinderella was ducking figusted when the cotton runts would
not let her go.
Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with knuge hackers and a shairy hithole. He was a candy runt and
liked Cinders to give him a wood gank. He was always diving into Cinders hubic pairs.
Suddenly, there was such a bucking fang and a Gairy Fodmother appears. Her real name was Sherry
Tighthouse, and she was a light rucking fesbian with a carge lairy hunt and tairy hits. She changed a pumpin
and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks.
Cinders was amazed. ‘Miste all chrucking fighty’ she said. The Gairy Fodmother said ‘Cinders must be back by
12 o’clock or there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Cinders was dancing with the pransome hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Siff
and his Siffling Seven. They were gucking food, but foo nucking toisy. It was that drucking fummer - what a
rucking facket. The cabaret was hucking fopless. When he blew his trucking fumpet he was bucking frilliant,
but he was a big-headed banky wastard, and we wished he would stick his trumpet up his ucking farsehole.
Suddenly the clock struck twelve. Cinders pucking fanicked and ran out of the ballroom, tripping barse over
ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.
The nest day the pransome hince came knocking at Cinders door. The sugly isters let him in and Betty
Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. ‘Who’s fust jarted?’ said the pransome hince. ‘Blame that forrible
hucker over there’ said Buttons. The shell of smit was tucking ferrible. When the stinking brown cloud lifted,
the pransome hince tried the slass glipper on the sugly isteres without success. They had horrible fetty sweet
and fetty swannys. Suddenly Mary Hinge, in a tucking femper gave the pransome hince a nick in the kackers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
The pransome hince tried Cinders and the flipper sitted pucking ferfectly. ‘Puck my siles’ said the hince. ‘Suck
your own’ said Buttons.
Soon Cinders and the pransome hince were married. He ended his days in lucking fuxury - she ended hers with
a follen swanny. And they hived lappily aver efter.
They have just made a diagnosis of my disease.
I was recently diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.: Advanced Age Attention Deficiency Disorder
Let me explain:
I decided to wash the car, and on the way towards the garage I noticed the post left on top of the table.
Ok, I will wash the car, but before that I will have a quick look at the mail to see if there is anything urgent.
I put the car keys on the desk, and as I am about to throw away the junk mail I realise the rubbish bin is full.
OK, I will put the bills to pay on the desk and take the rubbish out, but as I will then be close to the post box, I
decide to pay my bills first.
Now, where is my cheque book?
Oops, I have just one cheque left in my cheque book.
My new cheque book is on my desk.
Oh, there is the coke I was drinking.
I will get my cheque book, but before that I need to take my coke away from the computer, probably better to
put it in the fridge a little to cool off.
I go to the kitchen when I notice the plants are desperately dry.
I place the coke on the kitchen counter and Oh! I found my glasses! I have been looking for them all morning!
Better put them away right now.
I fill a watering can and walk towards the plants.... Aaah!
Somebody has left the TV remote control in the kitchen. Tonight, when we go and watch TV no-one will think
of looking for it in the kitchen, better take it to its place in the living room.
I water the plants and accidentally drop some on the floor. I throw the remote control on the sofa, and walk
along the corridor, trying to remember what I was going to do.
End of the day: my car is not washed, the bills are not paid, the coke is on the kitchen counter, the plants are
half watered, the cheque book has just one cheque and it seems I cannot find my car keys!
When I try to understand why nothing was accomplished today, I am astonished, as I know I was busy all
day!!!
I realise this is something really serious and I need to get some help, but before that, I think I will check my Email....
Please send this E-mail to everyone you know, as I can’t remember to whom I have already sent it to. But don’t
send it back to me, or I may send it to you again!
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their
order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll
have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man
says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two
enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back
her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies with a slight frown, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
A man who owns a pharmacy showed up at work one day around noon. He saw a man leaning against the wall
outside with a grimace on his face.
The owner asked his assistant manager who the guy outside was.
The assistant said, “He came in looking for cough medicine. I could not find any, so I gave him a bottle of
laxative and told him to drink it all.”
The manager said, “You can’t cure a cough with laxative!”
The assistant replied, “Sure you can. Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious
he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting
really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t
remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps
the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you”
O.B.E. to the White Man
Me come to England poor and broke
Go down dole see labour bloke
Fill in form stand around,
Kind man give me plenty pounds.
Me thank him much and then he say
You come next week and get more pay
Me write letter to Pakistan
Tell friends to come as quick as they can
All nicely settled down,
Nice big house in Bradford town.
Twenty families live up,
Twice as many living down
More in garden live in tent,
National assistance pay the rent.
Six months later, big bank roll,
Go more labour draw more dole
Wife wants glasses, teeth, and pills,
All is free get no bills
Me think England, dam fine place
Much too nice for white man race
God bless white man big and small,
He pay tax to keep us all.
And if you don’t like coloured man
Plenty room in Pakistan.
Dear Diary:
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It is fun to cook for Bob. Today I made
angel food cake. The recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately” The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some
extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” Therefore, I did not
dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” It seemed
somewhat silly but I took a bath. I cannot say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a
bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” Which is what led up to Bob asking me why there was lettuce in our
bed that night.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.” There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh
boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a
new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with “Chocolate Moose.”
Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world.”
The survey was a dismal failure because:
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant;
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant;
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant;
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant;
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant;
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant;
And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
Sayings... to brighten the day.
A good pun is its own reword.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
Did you know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic
bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O. M. G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the....?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30
minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do
you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (But what about that pig??)
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been
checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye
comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back. “Oh, my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to
make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre, followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning,
she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
“You know,” he says, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she
replies... “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Samsung Electronics: (To female caller)
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about”
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the
AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think you mean the telephone point on the wall”
RAC Motoring Services:
Caller: “Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?”
Operator: Doesn’t the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): “If I register my car in France, do I have
to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?”
Directory Enquiries:
Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please”
Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off”
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven
Operator: “Woven?. Are you sure?”
Caller: “Yes. That’s what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland”
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: “I
haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on”
Computer Capers: Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop”
Customer: “OK”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No”
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No”
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’”
Caller: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock
back two weeks will I have my file back again?”
British Rail: Customer: “How much does it cost to Bath on the train?”
Operator: “If you can get your feet in the sink, then it’s free”
Caller: “I’d like the RSPCA please”
Operator: “Where are you calling from?”
Caller: “The living room”
Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”
Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”
Customer: “It was on the door to the Travel Centre”
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”
The Bank: Caller: “I would like to borrow £2,000 please”
Operator: “Certainly, sir. Over how long?”
Caller: “Three years, please”
Operator: “OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?”
Caller: “No, not at all. I want it all at once!”
A contractor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting
out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the contractor grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police
arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the contractor starts screaming hysterically: “My
Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the
same again!”
After the contractor finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: “I can’t believe how
materialistic you bloody contractors are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t
notice anything else in your life.”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the contractor.
The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.” The
contractor looks down in absolute horror.........”FUCKING HELL!!!!!! he screams........
“Where’s my Rolex????...”
True Story?
One from our American “friends” to amuse you.
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire
among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
And without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires”. The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge
stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to
be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance. Company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
Now for the best part... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance Company had him arrested on 24
counts of arson!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award
Contest.
Only in America!!! (is this a great country, or what?)
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into
jet engines.
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you
ever tried.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an
emergency on my part.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can
stab them in the back.
There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you
look hard enough.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it
for themselves.
Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people
without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
Those of you who think you know everything are
annoying to those of us who do.
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph
over youth and ability.
There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in
‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in
‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.
Never do today that which will become someone else’s
responsibility tomorrow.
Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful
ability to continually confirm what I think.
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too
much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.
Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you
mainly keep under your desk.
Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the
knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of
despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
It’s the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be
without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the
history of music would be completely different.
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts.
Why? Cos then in wintertime he’s got something to eat
and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is
worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would
a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it
more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would
the Lone Ranger handle this?”
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days
you are the statue.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the
prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask
you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that
you are not.
If you treat the people around you with love and respect,
they will never guess that you’re trying to get them
sacked.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost
theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the
seriousness of the situation.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who
never win and never quit are idiots.
If you’re going to be late, then be late and not just 2
minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I
got here. 2. I didn’t do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your
style.
The office is like an army, and I’m the field general.
You’re my foot soldiers and customer quality is the
WAR!!!
Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky
scenario.
Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more
for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your
problem really yours or just half of someone elses?
Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to
fly?....
You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have
to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer
service focused and sober!!
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but
it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more
work.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile
of CVs in the bin without reading them.
DUI
During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At
closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he
could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his
keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons
left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, and then
stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Patrolman,
waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! “This equipment must be broken!”
exclaimed the Patrolman. “I doubt it,” said the apparent drunk, “tonight I’m the Designated Decoy!”
GOING TO ROME
A New York woman was at her hairdresser’s on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome
with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting
there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s left bank called Teste...”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but
it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So, watch are you doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of
an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes,
but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They’d just
finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “That’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.” Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really?”....”What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the crappy hair-do???”
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name... what do you think? (Those of you with
names that start with “N” will probably wish it started with “K”!)
A.
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you
get. You have no patience for flirting and can’t be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing.
You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it’s action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate’s physical attractiveness is
important to you. You find the chase and challenges of the “hunt” invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much
more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary
concern.
B.
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as
an expression often affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your
expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your
approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing
to experiment.
C.
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness.
You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable
and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate
and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an
expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
D.
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest
easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense
in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric
and unusual, having a free and open.
E.
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually
stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bed mate. You hate disharmony
and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more
important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don’t have a
good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book. ).
F.
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a
flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy,
extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous
lover.
G.
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal
or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because
you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities
take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close
sexually.
H.
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you
have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be
frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I.
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated. . . Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.
You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are
fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You
bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J.
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free
in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it’s all in good taste.
Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the
relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you’re being appreciated.
K.
You are totally fucking marvellous!.
L.
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or
attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and
dreamy. You can’t help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret
life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
M.
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there
are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual
freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is in exhaustible. You also enjoy mothering
your mate.
N.
You are crap in bed.
O.
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual
energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate,
compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity
diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P.
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn’t think of doing anything that might harm your image or
reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough,
you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You
are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal
of physical gratification.
Q.
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up
with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need
romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R.
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your
intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical
attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are
willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
S.
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in
intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the
little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don’t fool around. You have the
patience to wait for the right person to come along.
T.
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic
thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic,
mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt.
You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.
U.
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to
adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential
relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant
gratification. You are willing to put your partner’s pleasures above your own.
V.
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before
committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick.
You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and
suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
W.
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are
romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or he really is. You feel deeply and throw all of
yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X.
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease.
You can’t shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own
head.
Y.
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can’t have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to
control your relationships, which doesn’t always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending
hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the
flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your
performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bed mate.
Z.
For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it
very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capaple of much sensuality. But you
never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that
matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
SO WHICH ARE YOU?
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into
the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad
was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile.
“Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says “I’m Shaquille O’Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would
be unfair to them if I died”. So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says “I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am
also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America’s potential future President.”
She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, “ I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge
responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the
country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die”. So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy “I am already old. I have
already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute”.
The boy replies “No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America’s most intelligent President has taken
my schoolbag...”
EVER WONDER...
... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
... why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
... why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
... why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
... why doctors call what they do “practice”?
... why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98?
... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
... why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
... why there isn’t mouse-flavoured cat food?
... who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavour?
... why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
... why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
... why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
... why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
... why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he
decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The
scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of
the clone’s language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and
yelled: “You are under arrest! You are under arrest!”
“What for?” the mad scientist asked.
And the policeman’s answer was: “For making an obscene clone
fall.”
The Robin
As I awoke this morning
When all sweet things are born
A Robin perched upon my sill
To hail the happy morn
He was young and fragile
And sweetly did he sing
All thoughts of joy and happiness
Into my heart did spring
I smiled so sweetly to myself
As I paused beside my bed
I slowly brought the window down
And smashed his fucking head!
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a
surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t
see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what
you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well,
you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d
say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
“Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be French”.
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices
his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she
wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the
deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up
again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for
$200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes
on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and
sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over
and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. “So am I”, she says. “What
suburb in Melbourne?” “Glen Iris” he says. “That’s amazing” she says, “so am I - what street?” “Cameo Street”
he says.” “This is unbelievable” she says, “what number?” He says “Number 20” and she is astonished. “You
are not going to believe this” she says, “I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!” “I know” he says
“your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!” He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
You know you’re living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally do “9” to get an outside line.
8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of
the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for
lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in hospital.
20. There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they
can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. You are too busy to notice there was NO number 9.
26. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a number 9!?.
And sadder still when you have contact groups set up to forward the stuff...!
BBC Double Entendres
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage
remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining - up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks
Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I
bet he wished he had a hard on now.”
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself
in bed last night.”
Winning Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs
and likes what he sees.”
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: “Notices are appearing at courses telling
golfers not to lick their balls on the green.”
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely
soft hands he just tossed it off.”
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this.”
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by
Barrichello?”
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”
The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott’s breath away...”My word,” he said. “Look at that magnificent erection.”
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a
night about coming from different positions.”
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: “There’s something big growing between my legs.”
Carenza Lewis about finding food.in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob,
where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - “And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his
class.”
Metro Radio - “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field”
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew.”
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother”
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
Reuters: News reports have filtered out this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School
and detained head teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in
possession of a protractor, a set square, a ruler and a calculator. US President, George W. Bush argued that this
was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq had indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn’t perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took
an awful lot of Zeb’s time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb
noticed that Brewster’s bell had not rung at all!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. BUT, to Zeb’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet-surprise.
Vanilla Pudding
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside
the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see
hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an
ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full
stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
Are you ready for this???????????????
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Office Timetable
09:00 Starting Time
09:30 Arrive at work
09:45 Coffee Break
11:00 Check email
11:15 Prepare for lunch
12:00 Lunch
14:45 Browse the internet
15:00 Tea break
16:00 Prepare to go home
16:30 Go home
17:00 Finishing time
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True story - supposedly!)
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and
military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You’re going to love this...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
“Defrost the bloody chicken.”
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, Cipro is
ciprofloxacin and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.
Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties. It’s not big and it’s not clever
It is the early bird that catches the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese!
Cat-o’-nine-pills
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat and repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in spouse.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s
throat.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster
to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick down throat with an elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from Garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill.
13. Tie the cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to Accident and Emergency. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home. Order table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Irish Medical Dictionary
Benign
Artery
Bacteria
Barium
Caesarean Section
Catscan
Cauterize
Colic
Coma
Dilate
Enema
Fester
Fibula
Impotent
Labour Pain
What you be, after you be eight
The study of paintings
Back door to cafeteria
What doctors do when patients die
A neighbourhood in Rome
Searching for Kitty
Made eye contact with her
A sheep dog
A punctuation mark
To live long
Not a friend
Quicker than someone else
A small lie
Distinguished, well known
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
Morbid
Nitrates
Node
Outpatient
Pelvis
Post Operative
Recovery Room
Rectum
Secretion
Seizure
Tablet
Terminal Illness
Tumour
Urine
A Doctor’s cane
A higher offer
Cheaper than day rates
I knew it
A person who has fainted
Second cousin to Elvis
A letter carrier
Place to do upholstery
Nearly feckin killed him
Hiding something
Roman emperor
A small table
Getting sick at the airport
One plus one more
Opposite of you’re out
Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God. I have a question for
Him.” St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, “Aren’t you the inventor of women?”
God said, “Ah, yes. Indeed I am”.
“Well,” said Mr. Honda, “Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design;
1- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
and I don’t even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.”
“Hmmmm, you do raise some good points “replied God, “Let’s have a wee look.”
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.
After a moment God said, “Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours…”
MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A
man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS - To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with
a woman, you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.
MEMORY - Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same
thing.
APPEARANCE - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the
night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument.
Dr. Phil’s Test
Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this
is very interesting! Don’t be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let them know who you
are.
Don’t peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who
you were in the past.
Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the
major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective
employees. It’s only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
Ready?? Begin...
============================================================
1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and early evening c) late at night
2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking
the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you... a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both
your hands on your hips ! d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your
chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with... a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c)
your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) a big, appreciative laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud
one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a
quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted, do you... a) welcome the break b) feel
extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e)
dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie... a) stretched out on
your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one
arm e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the! total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should “handle with care.” You’re seen as vain, selfcentred, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but
don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader,
who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome,
someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in
your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting;
someone who’s constantly in the centre of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head.
They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help
them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or
talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal
to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it
takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust
is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely
careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on
the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually
decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: ! People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after,
who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or
anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re
boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.
In the run-up to the rugby world cup quarter-finals, news to offend most nations. Following complaints made to
the IRB about the All Blacks performance of the ‘Haka’ before their games, the Board has now agreed the
following pre-match rituals of their own.
A.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles
before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone
can beat them now. Failing that they will see what the Americans are doing and join in.
B.
The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their
opponents’ heads.
C.
Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations
from the RSPCA.
D.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las InGoals-Areas” and then be forcibly removed by the England team.
E.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they
will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
F.
The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to
show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and make lots of films to prove it.
G.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
H.
The Italian team will arrive in bright red cars, harass the female stewards and then run away.
I.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are all mad. They will
then park lorries across the half-way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (unless playing Wales) and burn
the officials. However they may not attend the World Cup at all as it involves the deployment of Frenchmen in
another part of the world.
J.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK.
They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
K. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners
march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents’ dressing room.
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a
spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange but I ignored it. However, when the drinks waiter brought
our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around the room and saw that all the waiters had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back
to check on our order, I asked: “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Consultants At Large, experts in efficiency, in order to
revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their
spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.”
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly the waiter replaced the dropped
spoon with the one in his pocket and said: “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.”
I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and, while my guests ordered, I continued to look
around. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the
better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter: “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I
mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the lavatory.”
“How so?”
“See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of... you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without
touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the lavatory by
76.39%.”
“Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?”
“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decide to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the
two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired
hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he
didn’t return. Two o’clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.
“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.”
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I’ll fire you on the spot.”
How to solve a serious problem
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you
discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government, education and in corporate America (and the UK), more advanced strategies are often
employed, such as:
1.
Buying a stronger whip.
2.
Changing riders.
3.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4.
Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.
6.
Reclassifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”
7.
Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.
8.
Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9.
Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
10.
Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11.
Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and
therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12.
Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13.
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
There was a landlord of a pub, and he was down on his luck, hadn’t had a single customer in days, so he
decided to shut up for the morning and give the loft a bit of a clearout.
While he was doing this, he came across a lamp, so he gave it a bit of a rub, and this deaf, crotchety genie
appeared, and said ‘I have been inside this lamp for a very long time, and I am not very happy, so I will only
give you one wish, instead of the normal three!’ So the innkeeper made his wish, and then continued with
clearing the loft.
When he went to open up for the evening session, he found a 1-foot-high piano player playing a baby Grand on
the bar top.
After a few days, his trade had picked up tremendously, and after a week, he was packed out, leaving virtually
no trade with the other drinking houses in the area. Eventually, one of the neighbouring Barkeeps entered this
pub, and heard the pianist, so he approached the landlord and said, ‘Where did you get the little piano player?’
‘You wont believe me, even if I tell you!’ was the reply.
So the second landlord insisted that he was told. ‘Follow me,’ replied the first. And upon showing the lamp, and
said ‘Inside this lamp is a bad-tempered deaf genie.’
So the second landlord gave it a rub, and he wished for a million pounds, when immediately the pub was filled
with a million dogs. ‘I asked for a million pounds, not a million hounds!’ said the second publican, when the
first one said ‘And what do you think I ordered?!’
A husband and wife were travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they
were too tired to continue and decided to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel, but planned only to sleep for 4 hours to get back on the road again.
When they checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.
The man exploded & demanded to know why the charge was so high. Below is the interesting argument.
He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him
$350 the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge
conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
“Well, we have them, and you could have”, the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is not moved, & eventually the man gives up & agrees to pay.
He writes a check & gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
“But sir,” he says, “This check is only made out for $100.”
“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “She was here, and you could have!”
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the “Just-a-minute quiz” every
lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...
1)
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Something a blind man might use? A Sword
A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
Name the Capital of France? F
Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
What is Hitler’s first name? Heil
As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)? A pig in shit
Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
A dangerous race? The English
Something that floats in a bath? Water
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
A famous Royal? Mail
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings
A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Something a cat does? Goes to the Toilet
Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
Something associated with pigs? The Police
A sign of the Zodiac? April
Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
Something you put on walls? A roof
Something Slippery? A conman
A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
A food that can be brown or white? A potato
A famous Scotsman? Jock
A famous Welshman? Vinnie Jones
Something you open other than a door? Your bowels
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went to the first pen
and there was a sign that said. “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife poked her husband in the ribs and
said. “He mated 50 times last year.”
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said “ this bull mated 120 times last year.” The
wife hit her husband and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lots from him.”
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The
wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.” The
husband looked at her and said, “Go ahead and ask him if it was the same old cow every time.”
The husband’s condition has been up graded from critical to stable and his doctor said that should eventually
make full recovery.
The Rules of Relationships - Men’s Point of View
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
These are our rules: Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.
Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If
it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don’t hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already
know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a
colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what
your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,”
we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to,
expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex,
Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t
ask us.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men
really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Subject: English Language
Four All Ewe who Reed and Right
This should give you all an insight (if you have good eyes that see in there of course, or is it the MIND that
sees?) into the English language.
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat
is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let’s face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England. (Nor Irish potatoes in Ireland, or Guernsey Tomatoes in
Guernsey etc etc.)
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it the Odd or the
End?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? HUMANS?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run yet still be still, and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on and on.
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on the week before Xmas and says: “I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick
of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single
thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas, and
paying their own air fares.”
Subject: Beware: New Viruses
Speed Virus: Puts a bomb on your Local Bus and
threatens to detonate it if it goes below 50
megabits per second.
Bobbit Virus 1: Turns your hard drive into a
floppy.
Bobbit Virus 2: Removes a vital part of your hard
disk then re-attaches it. (But it will never
work again).
Pentium Virus: A stealthy virus that creates
numerical errors and then tries to hide them.
Baseball Virus: Asks the user for more money
before it will run.
Gump Virus: You take apart your computer to
find nothing but a box of chocolates inside.
O. J. Simson Virus: You turn on every monitor in
the lab and notice that his picture is on every
one.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive
suddenly shrinks to 80MB, then slowly
expands back to 200MB.
Telecom Virus: Every three minutes it reminds
you what a great service you are getting.
Clear Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you
that you are paying too much for the Telecom
Virus.
Politically Correct Virus: Never Calls itself a
“virus”, but instead refers to itself as an
“electronic microorganism.”
Right to Life Virus: Won’t allow you to delete a
file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt
to erase a file, it requires you to see a
councillor about the possible alternatives.
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in
your system, just before the da mn thing quits.
Mario Cuomo Virus: Says it would be a great
virus, but it refuses to run.
Ted Turner Virus: Turns your monochrome
monitor into a colour one.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and
stays resident. It’ll be back.
Dan Quayle Virus 1: Prevents your system from
spawning any child process without joining
into a binary network.
Dan Quayle Virus 2: There is sumthing rong wit
your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out
watt!
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places
where no virus has gone before,
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works,
but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
Cleaveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50
machine perform like a 286/AT.
New World Order Virus: Probably Harmless, but
it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk
into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your
computer.
Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PCs infected will
lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the
time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
error.)
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out
of your apple.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up,
screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side
for the problem.
Airline Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is
in Singapore.
Freudian Virus: Your computer comes obsessed
with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few
minutes to ask for money.
Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and
lazy, then self destructs; only to re-surface at
shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become
a paper shredder.
Sears Virus: Your data won’t appear unless you
buy new cables, power supply and a set of
shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be
found again and a picture of a Bridge
Abutment in New Jersey is frozen on your
screen.
Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down
as an act of mercy.
Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly
off key) on boot up, then subtracts money
from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.
Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day,
finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for
$4,500.
Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent
mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you still love it.
Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don’t send
it a billion dollars, it’s programmer will take
it back.
A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
(1) There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the
contest ends. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other
vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other
times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and
ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name ten of them?
(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
(10) It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form
but fresh. What is it?
(11) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s”.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS...
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
(1) Boxing.
(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of
water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is
only 10 times).
(5) Strawberry.
(6) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in
place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
snipped off at the stems.
(7) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
(8) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation
marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
(9) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.
(10) Lettuce.
(11) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
There’s a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The NASA headquarters in Houston
calls the shuttle after exiting the Earth’s atmosphere: “Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the
television screen.” The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to: “Release the pressure in
compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.” So the monkey
makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later Houston
calls again: “Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen.” The monkey moves to the
screen and sits down. He is told to: “Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.” So the monkey makes the necessary
carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation. A little later on,
Houston calls again: “Woman, woman please approach the television screen.” The woman moves to the screen
and sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... “I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and
don’t touch a fucking thing.”
Snappy Answer 1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Snappy Answer 2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No miss, they’re
dead.”
Snappy Answer 3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been
waiting for you all day,” the policeman said. The lad replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When
the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer 4
A truck driver was driving along on the motorway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No actually, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of petrol.”
Snappy Answer(s) 5
A crowded British Airways flight was cancelled. A single agent was booking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter
and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be
happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something
out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public
announcement microphone. “May I have your attention please,” she began - her voice heard clearly throughout
the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “Fuck you! “Without flinching, she smiled and said,
“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”
Snappy Answer 6
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow.” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class
stifled their laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the
student and said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
“I’m your doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in two parts...left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it”
The mother superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a
case of gonorrhoea in the convent.”
“Thank god,” says an elderly nun at the back, “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
Q&A: Diet and Exercise
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it...don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember.....
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand - a hot dog in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out, and screaming - “WOO HOO! What a Ride!”
The Secret Diary of a Dog/Versus a Cat:...........
As seen in a dog’s diary:
8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite!
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favourite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favourite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favourite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favourite!
As seen in a cat’s diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded and must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it
to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
Quotes from the first three years . . . can the English language survive?
“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.” - George W. Bush
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” - George W. Bush
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.” George W. Bush
“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” - George W. Bush
“The future will be better tomorrow.” - George W. Bush
“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.” - George W. Bush
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” - George W. Bush
“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We
are a part of Europe.” - George W. Bush
“Public speaking is very easy.” - George W. Bush
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” - George W. Bush
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” - George W. Bush
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” - George W. Bush
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.” - George W. Bush
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” George W. Bush
“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.” - George W. Bush
While on holiday in Britain - Hints for American Tourists
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot
of people...
MONEY The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you
should for instance say, “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word
for what was once called a “shilling” - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
MAKING FRIENDS If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” - he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with
your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
FOOD AND WINE British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure
available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week. Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat,
like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he baulks at your
request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him
who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely ‘84 or Ripon ‘88 for a rare treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair,
unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.
TRANSPORTATION Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London
costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think
not, you charlatan!” then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board
any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are “pence”) and state your destination
clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the
London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive
and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in
the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have
proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your
hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are
considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
AIRPORTS One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you
are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the “shin” stands for “shalom”). As
savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through
customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!
Four All Ewe who Reed and Right
This should give you all an insight (if you have good eyes that see in there of course, or is it the MIND that
sees?) into the English language.
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat
is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let’s face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren’t invented in England. ( Nor Irish potatoes in Ireland, or Guernsey Tomatoes in Guernsey etc etc.)
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it the Odd or the
End?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? HUMANS?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run yet still be still, and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on and on.
Do you know the answers to any of the following?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest
sentence?
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on
me. They’re cramming for their finals
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Too True!!!
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling
Evian backwards. Naive
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Axioms for All
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
11. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I’m reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability
you’ll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and
pass them.
24. You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking
beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get
out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and
a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must
know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tear s in his eyes.” I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
After the annual office party blow-out, Nick woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of
him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted
the Regional Director General to his face.”
“He’s an arsehole. I should have pissed on him.”
“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” yelled Colin.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the
room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass
of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
“My goodness, doc, exactly what’s my problem?” Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family
man.”
Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people’s lives.”
Don said: “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord ... “God,
what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks,” Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar
and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should
do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John, “ his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing
afterwards, he asks, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. “You might be,” she says. “Your face looks
familiar.”
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for
three hours. You want my advice?” The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, “We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.”
The clerk winked, “You want the ‘Bridal’?”
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, “Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears
until she gets used to it.”
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example,
the other day Barbara and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Barbara called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care. We’d come into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
It’s important at our age
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears,
carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall. She’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put
into organizing the display.
There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so
extensive, but she doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
All the while she’s thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could
father my children! etc.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow.
The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, ... “Well, how was it?”
The guy says: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married......
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a
bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my
husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’... he didn’t seem pissed
off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said,
‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
SHIT
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit
together; find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit,
lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can’t
tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck
when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be
happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just
plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit. You can carry
shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch
turns to shit, and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to
consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know you’re shit, you
don’t need to know anything else! You could pass this along, if you give a shit!
There was an old cat, who had, unfortunately, made his way to the Heaven’s front door, and was met by God.
God turned to the cat and said, “I know that you’ve had a hard life, you’ve been mistreated, kicked, slapped,
and have had water thrown over you, so while you are with me, is there anything that you would like to make
your life here more comfortable?” The cat replied, “Thanks, I would really like a soft bed, so as I can curl up
and sleep in comfort for hours on end” “OK, no problem” said God. A couple of days later a group of mice also
found themselves at the Purley Gates, and God also met them, and that he understood that they had had a
terrible life, by being chased by cats, and being beaten by women brooms, and all that malarkey. He also
offered them something to make their lives more amenable. So the mice huddled together, and held a small
discussion amongst themselves, and then replied to God that they would each like a pair of Roller Skates.
Bemused, God provided them with a tiny set each. About a week later God is doing his rounds, and he walked
up to the Cat and asked, “How are you finding things?” “Oh, everything is wonderful, this bed is beautifully
soft and cosy!” God turns round to leave, and the cat adds, “By the way, thank you for the meals on wheels!”
Ann Owed two the Spelling Checker
Eye have a spelling checker
It came with my Pea Sea
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weight
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two read,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And it were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew floors are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware four pea seas,
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.
These are genuine clips from English council-flat tenants, complaining to the Council about problems with their
flats.
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My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.
And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now
she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its
now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is both unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to
do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made
by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant
mother.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it was very
uncomfortable for both of us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it
is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please
send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no
one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute
later I rang again. ‘Hello,’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t
have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’ Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus
helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: ‘I
thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’
Memo: Cussing at work.
It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals throughout the company have been
using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases has been provided so that proper exchange
of ideas and info can continue in an effective manner.
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TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
World’s Easiest Quiz
Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of 10.
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What colour is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
_________________________________________________________________
World’s Easiest Quiz
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2. Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3. From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7. What was King George VI’s first name? *Albert
8. What colour is a purple finch? *Crimson
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
10. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? *Orange, of course
What do you mean you failed?
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends
Prime Minister Blair was visiting a primary school and was introduced to one of the classes. They were in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would
like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
“tragedy”. One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.” “ No,” said Blair, “that would be an
accident.” A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the Prime Minister “that’s what we
would call great loss.” The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. “Isn’t
there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?” Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy
raised his hand...in a quiet voice he said: “If the air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a “friendly
fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Tony Blair. “That’s
right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy “it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a bloody accident either!”
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN’T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn’t:
1. It’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN’T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn’t:
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN’T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn’t:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep
his hands free) fractured the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension,
an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From
now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
To make an appointment to see me.
To query a missing payment.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN’T SHE MAKE
YOU PROUD!!!
Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear and Baby Bear were in the woods gathering up provisions for the long hard winter
ahead. As they walked through the trees and fallen leaves on their way back to their luxurious log cabin,
Mummy Bear said, “I’m really looking forward to a nice plate of steak and chips”. “Yum” said Baby Bear. On
entering the door of their cabin, Daddy Bear roared “Who’s been sitting in my chair”. “Calm down dear, you’ll
have a coronary!” said Mummy Bear. Then, Mummy Bear exclaimed “Who’s been sitting in my chair”. Baby
Bear, bemused by his parents antics said, “Will you two stop bickering about who’s been sitting in your chairs.
More importantly, who’s half inched the Telly and DVD player!”
There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a
Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you
guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully.... Try and answer within 30
seconds
If your answer is:
Lion = you’re dull.
Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.
Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you’re stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant. “Hello, Mr. Elephant”, he says,
“what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?” Slightly startled the elephant says, “Good morning Mr
Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?” “Oh, it’s absolutely amazing,” came the reply,
“you won’t regret this.” And with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the
elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey’s monkeyhood. “My word!” said the elephant,
“aren’t you the lucky one.” The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe.
“Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!” Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe
protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys four-headed knob. “Incredible!”
he states. And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree. “Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar!
Look at my extraordinary penis!” Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his
eyes, which he promptly bites off. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH”,
screams the monkey, “What did you do that for?” “Because I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar”
What’s the difference between Romeo and Juliet and David Beckham? Romeo and Juliet were a cupid stunt
and...
There is theory on cultivating the potential genius in all of us. If a herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the
slowest buffalo, then when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel
smarter after a few beers. It’s only a theory, but it makes perfect sense to me...
Why do they clean a felon’s arm with alcohol when
preparing for a lethal injection? They don’t want him to get
an infection?!?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck
together?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on
money they already know you don’t have?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double
Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet
Coke?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
How do “Keep off the grass” signs get where they are?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for
something new?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all
right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats
only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
“practice”?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their
signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to
be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
How come price and worth mean the same thing, but
priceless and worthless are opposites.
Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to
take place at such an inconvenient time?
If the world is smaller why do postal rates keep going up?
If people don’t like tailgaters, why do they buy bumper
stickers?
If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much
unnecessary stuff get invented?
Why do we call a bad thing awful while a good thing is
awesome?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you
can’t drink and drive?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in
the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it
from a height, what would happen?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens
when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the
protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else?”
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up
ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s
called a shipment but when you transport something by ship,
it’s called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you feed a cold & starve a fever, what do you do when you
have both?
How come a nose runs, but feet smell?
How come Quicksand works slowly?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of the day with the slowest traffic called the
rush hour?
Why is lipstick so called, when you can still move your lips?
If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
are they all still working?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of
the store to collect their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn’t it strange that a physician has nothing to do with
physics?
Isn’t it strange that a radiologist has nothing to do with
radios?
Male & Female
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are
some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are
an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
them
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to
have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily
gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just
keeps trying
Nerd’s guide to coping with teenagers
Billionaire Bill Gates has stepped down from the day-to-day running of Microsoft, but has a few lessons to pass on to
entrepreneurs of the future. In a recent speech to American high school pupils, he complained that feel good, politically
correct teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality. Sound familiar? Gates’ words resonate over
here, where a chief examiner admitted this week that he had given marks to a pupil who had written only ‘Fuck off’ on
his GCSE paper. No wonder employers complain about young people entering work with a ludicrously inflated sense of
their own abilities. Bill Gates gave his young audience 11 tips for success, which they would never, ever learn in school.
For anyone with a stroppy teenager, I reckon it’s not a bad cautionary list to stick up on the fridge.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world will expect you to accomplish
something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make £30,000 a year right out of
high school.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you
get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for
burger flipping: opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so
don’t whine about your mistakes - learn from
them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as
boring as they are now. They got that way from
paying your bills and listening to you talk about
how cool you are.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners
and losers, but life HAS NOT.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into terms. You don’t get
summers off, and very few employers are
interested in helping you ‘find yourself’. Do that
in your own time.
Rule 10: TV is not real life. In real life, people have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up
working for one!
This was written by Allison Pearson of the Daily Mail and was published on Wednesday 2nd July 2008.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned
her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped
her clogs.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said “I want to report a
nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess
champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him
two hours to pass me the salt.
So I said “Do you want a game of Darts?” he said “OK
then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”, I said
“Moo”, he said “You’re closest”.
He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take
that as a condiment”.
You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I
go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to
make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said
“Those are pickled onions”.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s
trying to pull a fast one”.
So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He
said “Eurostar?” I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean
Martin”.
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do
the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t
make Tuesdays”.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything:
trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly
contain myself.
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for
example Goran, even he’s a witch.
And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school
bags, he’s bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says “Oi - get out!
We don’t want your type in here”
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve
you, but don’t start anything”
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman
says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we
don’t serve food in here”
A seal walks into a club...
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s
pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm
and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up
to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like
diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck”.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for
the man who shot my paw.”
But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I
entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and
talk about your carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need, a
Je-oover’s witness”.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,
he’s a catholic converter.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one
of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But
why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said
“I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan”.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve
seen Amal.”
Order in the Court
Mary Louise Gilman, the editor of the National
Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more
hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books Humour in the Court (1977) and More Humour in
the Court (1997). Here are a few:
Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and
you can’t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the
witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.)
Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New
York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in
Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in
Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you
divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because
you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your
attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to
banish all present information and prejudice from
your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she
wanted to and were able, for the time being
excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be
taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be
oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have
you not, where there was a victim?
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really
good.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was
dead?
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right
now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was
August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that
time?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had
offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could
have the furniture.
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are
emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you
preformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead
people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant
was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t
pronunciate his words.
Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of
it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the
hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg
were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were
standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and
veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill
that s.o.b.- and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come
on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from
being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder
trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were
shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas
and the naval.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was
taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy.”
Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
Q: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old
is he?”
Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.”
The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can
be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes
them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the
moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the
fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist
on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you
are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are
elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a
male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks
forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a
characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places
and they look like umbrellas
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the
cow
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body
categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels: A,E,I,O and U (What the fuck???)
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean
A. Near by
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw,
I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport (irrefutable)
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show
you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your
face (OMG)
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S.
government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars
and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where
did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied ....
“When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man
spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system
like that.”
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man tending to the
vegetables on his allotment. She descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend that I would meet her an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re
between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything,
you have delayed my journey.”
The man below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before
we met, but somehow it’s now become my fault!”
There’s a new game being played in Washington D.C... it’s called swallow the leader.
Q: What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
A: Pardon Me.
Q: How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?
A: She’s the one with the dirty knees.
Q: Why doesn’t Monica eat bananas?
A: She can’t find the zipper.
Try this test
Do not look at the bottom yet, note the numbers before doing it. It only takes 2 minutes. 5 things are happening
at the same time in your flat which needs your attention
1- the phone is ringing
2- the baby is crying
3- somebody is knocking at your door
4- you hang out your washing outside and it has started to rain
5- you did not turn off the tap in the kitchen and the water is starting overflowing
In what order will you solve these problems? Note the order in which you would settle these problems on a
paper and check how your decisions have been taken. Do it, the results are very interesting... Each point
represents something in your life.
You can see on the following list the definition of each point :
1- phone : work
2- Baby : family
3- Door : friends
4- Washing : money
5- Water : sex
The succession of numbers you have chosen define the order of your priorities in life. So, who decided to turn
off the tap first???
A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were
in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn’t be as much work as
a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak. But unfortunately they were quite expensive.
One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully coloured parrot and asked the owner of the store for
the price of the bird. The owner said he’d let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn’t
more expensive, she agreed to buy it. Before accepting her money, the owner said, “I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff.” The woman
was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway. When she got home she
placed the bird’s cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new
surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a little taken at
the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn’t really all that bad.
When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird looked them over and said, “New house, new
madam, new whores!” After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter. That
evening, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and
said, “New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!”
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to
his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” “Trust me, it will do the job”, said
the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began
to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand!
Just One Wish
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be
careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the
people that broke my window?”
“Uh...yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that
bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each
one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least can do. And I’ll guarantee
you a long, healthy life!”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world, “she said. “Consider it
done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my
wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses.. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
“How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No kidding.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
While flying at 36,000ft from London to New York, a Boeing 747 suddenly develops engine trouble and starts
plummeting towards the Atlantic. As she realises what’s going on, the head stewardess crashes into the pilots’
cabin, stands in front of the captain and rips off her blouse, saying: “Captain, make me feel like a woman one
more time before I die!”
The pilot rips off his shirt and says: “Here you go, then - iron this.”
Read it and weep, this is true!
The following was seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel; The parents of a teenage girl
decided to put their daughter’s name forward for a surprise game-show - she idolised teenage pop star “Ricky
Martin” - and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty
with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl’s bedroom, all set to give the daughter a wonderful
surprise.
However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to
the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate. At this stage the live TV audience is
wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still
hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over
her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, which obediently
trots up the stairs and settles down to his favourite meal of “pate on a bed of seaweed”. At this stage the order is
given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!
Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.
Irishman Job Application
An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won’t employ him until he passes a little maths test.
“Here’s your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
Without numbers?” the Irishman says, “Dat is easy.” and proceeds to draw three trees.
What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Haven’t you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,” says the Irishman.
“Fair enough,” says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time.”
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge
on each tree. “Dere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99.”
The boss starts getting worried that he’s actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, “All
right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, “Dere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: “You must be nuts If you think that represents a hundred!”
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: “A little dog came
along and crapped by each tree. So now you’ve got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, dat makes one hundred. So, when do I be starting the job?!”
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “well do you have any
grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “ No, you don’t understand, do you
have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you
don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my
John Deere.” The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I
wear it to church on Sundays.” The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it
this way. “WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her.”
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: I reckon he’s an accountant.
James: No way - he’s a stockbroker.
Chris: He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the
toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better
of the builder.....
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Suit:
Chris:
Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession!
Oh! What’s that then?
I’ll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
It’s in a pond!
Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large
house?
As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just
for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Yep! Four nights a week!
Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Me? Never
Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
How’s that then?
Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about the size of your garden, the size of
your house, your family and your sex life!
I see! That’s pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James:
Chris:
James:
Chris:
James:
Chris:
I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
What’s that then?
I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Nope
Well then, you’re a wanker.
When God passed out brains, I thought He said trains, and I missed mine.
When God passed out looks, I thought He said books, and I didn’t want any.
When God passed out ears, I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs, I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses, I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads, I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out hips, I thought He said lips, and I asked for two large round ones.
God am I a mess.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is
the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, “fuck”
falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as noun (Mary is a terrific
fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my
date with Mary).It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she’s also stupid) As you can see,
there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck”. Aside from its sexual connotations, this
incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
2. Fraud “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3. Resignation “Oh, fuck it!”
4. Trouble “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5. Aggression “FUCK YOU!”
6. Disgust “Fuck me.”
7. Confusion “What the fuck.......?”
8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9. Despair “Fucked again...”
10. Pleasure “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11. Displeasure “What the fuck is going on here?”
12. Lost “Where the fuck are we.”
13. Disbelief “UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!”
14. Retaliation “Up your fucking ass!”
15. Denial “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16. Perplexity “I know fuck all about it.”
17. Apathy “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18. Suspicion “Who the fuck are you?”
19. Panic “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
20. Directions “Fuck off.”
21. Disbelief “How the fuck did you do that?”
It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time - “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business - “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal - “Motherfucker.”
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” General Custer
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” Richard Nixon
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” Anne Boleyn
“Who let the fucking woman drive.” Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
“What fucking map?” Mark Thatcher
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.” Walt Disney
“Why?- Because its fucking there!” Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” John F. Kennedy
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response....click. –
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour when the nurse walked out
and said to a man sitting there, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How
about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had
triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!”
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. “That’s
amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously
distraught. When I asked him he was okay, he explained, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man
continued, “I’m the casting director for 101 Dalmatians.”
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a
time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and
I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a
regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he
comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and
he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
A guy walks into a bar and, visibly shaking, says to the bartender “Give me a triple shot of something!” The
bartender, seeing that something is troubling the guy, pours him a triple Jack Daniels. The guy downs it like
water. The bartender says “Buddy, you look terrible... what’s the matter?” The guy gets all teary-eyed: “I came
home early today from my business trip, so I thought I’d surprise my wife, you know, take her out to dinner and
stuff. I go up to the bedroom and there she is screwing my best friend!” And with that the guy starts shaking
again. “Whooh”, the bartender says, “You need another drink... this is on the house”, and proceeds to fill his
glass again. The guy gulps it down. “So what did you say to your wife?” the bartender asks. The guy says, “I
called her a good-for-nothing slut and told her to pack her bags and get out!” The bartender says, “That’s what I
would have done. What did you say to your best friend?” The guy says, “I looked him straight between the eyes
and said ‘BAD DOG!’”
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch
patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun...
Ventriloquist:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
Dog:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
Dog:
Ventriloquist:
Dog:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
Horse:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
Horse:
Ventriloquist:
Horse:
New Zealander:
Ventriloquist:
New Zealander:
“hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?”
“the dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
“hey dog, how’s it going old mate?”
“doin’ alright.”
(extreme look of shock)
“is this Kiwi your owner?” (pointing at New Zealander)
“yep”
“how does he treat you?”
“real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a
week to play.”
(look of disbelief)
“mind if I talk to your horse?”
“horse doesn’t talk either.”
“hey horse, how’s it going?”
“cool.”
(extreme look of shock)
“is this your owner?” (pointing at New Zealander)
“yep”
“how’s he treat you?”
“pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps
me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
(total look of amazement)
“mind if i talk to your sheep?”
“the sheep’s a liar.”
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”,
sighed the pheasant, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”
replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. Next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun and
shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep
you there.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make
an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was
doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I
indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen”. On his way up to the
podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he
finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing
my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen”. On his way up to the
podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech
by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating
furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating
antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure....”
A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college. The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse and as
she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red mark between her breasts in the shape of a letter “O”. The
doctor is a little concerned and after the examination, he asks the girl how she got the mark. “Well”, she says,
“my boyfriend goes to Oxford University and he is so proud to be there, that he always wears his Oxford
sweater when we make love.” ‘Fair enough’, thinks the doctor, but he is surprised that when the next girl takes
off her blouse she too has a red mark between her breasts - this time in the shape of a letter “C”. Again, a little
concerned he asks the girl how she got the mark. “Well”, she says, “my boyfriend is studying at Cambridge and
he is so proud to be at that university, that he insists on wearing his Cambridge sweater when we have sex.”
The doctor is astonished by what young girls get up to these days. The girl leaves and the next enters the room.
She removes her blouse and she too has a red mark on her body, this time on her stomach and in the shape of a
letter “M”. “Ah,” says the doctor, “A boyfriend at Manchester?” “No”, she replies, “A girlfriend at Warwick!”
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is
greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the
night?” “Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my
daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.” “OK,” said the man, thinking
that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the
stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she
couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went
up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He
was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest
with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” “Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought.
“If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read “Chinese
Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the
boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there
is no soap. Father John says he has some in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two
bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue. The nuns
stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap. “Oh look,” says the 2nd nun...”a soap dispenser.” To test her theory she also pulls his
dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three
times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... “Look, hand cream!”
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s
listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers
should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are as follows:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at
you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they
were male. Their reasons are as follows:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a
better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Shaemus says to Pat
“Dats dem”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yea, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat
cage up dere” says Shaemus, “Put dem in a peerper bag”. The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop. They
get into Shaemus’s van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff
with a 500 foot drop. “Dis looks loike a good place, eh?” says Shaemus. “Oh yea, dis look good” replies Pat.
They flip a coin and Shaemus wins the toss. “Hail fockin Mary, I guess I get to go first, eh boy?” says Shaemus.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his
mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a “SPLAT”. As Pat looks over
the cliff he shakes his head and says. “Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me!!”
Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stay at an hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. “Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant still open?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all
night. Would you care to select something from this menu?” Mary smiled, took the menu and perused it.
“Hmm, I would like hmm, yes, cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. “Certainly madam,” he replied. “And is
breakfast in bed possible?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love
a couple of eggs please, poached,” Mary asked. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her
room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The
same chap was still on the desk. “Morning madam. Sleep well?” “Yes thank you,” Mary responded. “Food to
your liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have ever had better.
Shame about the eggs though. They really weren’t that nice at all,” Mary replied somewhat regretfully. “Oh
dear, well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always
looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. “Most certainly I will and
with pleasure. Thanks!” said Mary, who then checked out, paused a while then scribbled a comment into the
book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment
Mary had written. Here it is ... “Supercauliflowercheesebuttheeggswerequiteatrocious !!!”
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each Player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft
stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play
is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced
player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner
of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this
reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new
course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if
they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for
improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least
temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one
match.
A man walks into an ice cream parlour and, bored with the taste of vanilla and strawberry, asks for a fish-andchip-flavour cone. The owner rubs his chin and says, “That’s tricky. Give me ten minutes.” Ten minutes later,
the guy comes back and asks for his ice cream. He licks it and says, “Mmmm, that tastes great, just like a bag of
chips. But what about the fish?” The owner looks pleased and replies, “Turn it around.” The man does this,
licks it and, lo and behold, it tastes like fish. “Amazing,” he says. “Now can I have one that tastes like faggots
and peas?” “That’s tough,” says the ice cream man. “Give me ten minutes.” Ten minutes later, the man comes
back and picks up his ice cream. “Mmmm just like mushy peas,” he says. “But what about the faggots?” “Just
turn it around,” says the gelatine salesman. “Oh yeah,” says the man. “It’s just like faggots. Now give me one
that tastes like a woman’s pussy.” “That’s difficult,” says the owner. “Give me half an hour.” So the man
wanders off, returning 30 minutes later for his ice cream. He licks it and goes: “Urghhhhhhhhh! Horrible! That
tastes like shit!” But the owner simply winks at him and says, “Turn it around, turn it around......”
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was
there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at
the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite
obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming...” He proceeds with her into the apartment, and, after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing
her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best
feature?” The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,
“Oh, it’s got to be your ears!” She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag,
and they’re 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no
blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!” Clearing his
throat once again, Bill stammers “Outside when you said you heard someone coming That was me!”
Ok Guys I know that you can relate to this!! THE ORIGIN OF MAN’s SEX LIFE It seems that when the Lord
was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was
horrified. “Only twenty years of normal sex life?” but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested,
“ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed. Then
the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the
man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was
given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
The donkey said yes he could. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of
monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
A tourist is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops,
the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a
corner and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?” he thinks. “How in the
world does that fit in here?” So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?” The old man
answers, “Is name of owner.” The visitor asks, “Well, who is the owner of this place?” “I am he,” answers the
old man. “You? How on earth did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?” The old man replies, “Many years
ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Centre, man in front of me was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, ‘What your name?’ He say, Hans Olaffsen.” She look at me... “What
your name?” I say, “Sem Ting.”
Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides
that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart. Kevin fills out the standard application and is
called into the manager’s office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee- skinny, glasses, pocket protector
and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, “Kevin, do you think
you have what it takes to work at the ‘Big K’?” Kevin laughs to himself, thinking “what an asshole!” But since
it was an interview he responded, “Absolutely.” The Manager continued, “In order to work here you need to be
a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you’ve got those qualities?” Again,
Kevin laughs to himself, “Is this fucking guy serious?” but he says again, “Absolutely.” “Well let me show you
how it’s done,” says the manager. The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy
to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, “That’s a pretty big bag of
grass seed ya got there.” “Yup,” responds the customer. The manager winks at Kevin and says, “Ya think you
might need a new lawnmower for that grass you’re putting down?” Kevin sees the light bulb go off over the
customer’s head. “Yeah! That’s a great idea.” The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him
pick out a really nice model. “Ya see, Kev, that’s how it’s done. Ya think you can do that?” “Hell, yeah!” says
Kevin, “Just watch.” Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of
tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. “That’s a pretty big
box of tampons ya got there,” says Kevin. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, “Yup.” A moment of
silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, “Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?” The
customer looks up from his shoes and responds, “What the fuck would I want a lawnmower for?” Kevin winks
at his manager and says, “Well, since you won’t be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow
your lawn!”
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was
approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, “Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that
woman is hanging out of her blouse.” But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, “Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for
indecent exposure?” “Why, officer?” the woman asked. “Well,” said the officer, “Your right breast is hanging
out of your blouse.” The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the
bus!”
At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up: “At last years’ conference
we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would to do it himself. After the first day I saw
nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast
lamb.” The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: “After last years’ conference I went
home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done
not only his own washing but my washing as well.” The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Australia stood
up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and
that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But
after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
So endemic is African corruption, and so much more destructive than its Asian counterpart, that the comparison
has even spawned a common joke that goes like this: An Asian and an African become friends while attending
graduate school in the West. Years later, each rises to become finance minister of his country. One day, the
African ventures to Asia to visit his friend and is startled by the Asian’s palatial home, the three MercedesBenzes in the circular drive, the swimming pool, the servants. “My God!” the African exclaims. “We were just
poor students before. How on earth can you afford all this now?” The Asian takes his friend to the window and
points to a new elevated highway in the distance. “You see that road?” he says, and then proudly taps himself
on the chest. “Ten percent.” A few years later, the Asian returns the visit of his old friend. He finds the African
living on a massive estate. There’s a fleet of dozens of Mercedes-Benzes, an indoor pool, an army of uniformed
servants. “My God!” says the Asian. “How do you afford this?” This time the African leads his friend to the
window and points. “You see that highway?” he asks. The Asian looks and sees nothing, just an open field with
a few cows. “I don’t see any highway,” he says. The African taps himself on the chest. “One hundred percent!”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP
WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting
the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the
chair and stared at the manager. The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page
and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the
first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realize that you
are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog
jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer. The manager said “yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog
looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”
A man gets a priapism and decides to get help for it. So he goes a pharmacy to see if there’s any medicine for it.
He walks in, and there’s a lady behind the counter. She says to him, “Can I help you?” He responds, “I’d like to
speak to the pharmacist.” She replies, “I am the pharmacist.” He asks, “Is there a male pharmacist available?”
She responds, “There is no male pharmacist here. My sister and I are co-owners of this pharmacy. I would
appreciate your telling me whatever you would tell a male pharmacist.” He mumbles, “Well, ok” and he unzips
his fly, pulls out his penis, and there’s the priapism. He says, “It’s been like this for three days and I don’t think
it’s going to go down. Can you give me something for it?” The pharmacist responds, “Let me go back in the
back room and consult with my sister about this.” A few minutes later, she comes back out front and says, “We
can give you $500, plus a half interest in the drug store.”
Copy of the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply
to an income tax demand.
Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it
not received in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could
have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn’t. Well, here is the reason. In 1987 I
purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground
leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went
lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death. In 1990 my father died and
my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter
pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives. In 1991 my son got the
mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on
the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who
was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new
parish priest. They are now married and trying for children. In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from
Drumlish and left me with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to
keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children’s allowance). I went
to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my
shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the
window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the
barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to
get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the fucker’s funeral expenses. The next year,
1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and
took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch
and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my
second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned
rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep. It surprises me very much that you say you will
cause trouble if I don’t pay up. If you can think of anything I’ve missed I should like to know about it. Trying
to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog’s hole with a red hot needle. I’m
praying for a cloud of cat’s shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office
who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit,
John Murphy.
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none
of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs
up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with
them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He
drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds
to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his
wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one
of them is honking the horn.”
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting
serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was
just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that
his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter. Come the day of the wedding
and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The
blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she
entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. “Don’t worry
honey” he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he
was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his
pants off the new bride said “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby” “It is” he
said “9 pounds and 21 inches long”
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with
you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it
would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash clothes, she will always agree with every
decision you make, she will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care
of them, she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a
disagreement, she will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked, “What would a woman like this cost me?” God said, “an arm and a leg”. Adam said, “What can I
get for just a rib?” And the rest is history .....
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much
hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always
right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and
dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this
money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old
woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president,
“That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take
my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said,
“Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a
witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at
the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the
president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked
if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet
him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s President’s balls in my hand.”
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None.” replied Johnny. “‘Cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”
Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,
one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.”
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in
his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready
to go out the door, their young daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted it was nothing, and the daughter brought him
into the kitchen to get something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s
wonderful!! Isn’t he smart??!! What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older??”. The father replied.
“From the smell of his fingers...our son-in-law!”
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain
said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The eyes said “I see everything
and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The hands
said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I
should be in charge.” The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me,
we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be
able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” Then the rectum said “I think I
should be in charge.” All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You
can’t be in charge.” So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all
queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that
they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don’t
have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.
Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won’t be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so
he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This
was his response: “I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of
the accident reporting form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and
on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300
pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I
decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the
tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into
the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the
300 pounds of tools.” “You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155
pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot
to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the
vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand
were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit
the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.” “Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed
approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the
barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand
and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...”
‘In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,’ Eric
Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszweski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew ‘Kiki’ Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session
had gone seriously wrong. ‘I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,’ he
explained. ‘As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him.’ At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. ‘The match ignited a
pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.’ Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower
intestinal tract.
Anonymous response to dangerous rodent:
O.K., here’s the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:
1 ‘I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum...’ Ouch!
2 ‘So I peered into the tube...’ Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into
hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
3 That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of some guy’s ass like Rocky
the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
4 Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s ass. I’m just guessing, but I
seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s ‘tunnel of love.’
5 People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
6 People who do this sort of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.
Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying ‘well doc, it’s like this. See we have this
gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...’
7 ‘First and second degree burns to the anus’. Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of
haemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the
smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents of the face of God’s green earth.
8 People named ‘Kiki’ which is obviously a Polynesian word for ‘Idiotic white men who insert rodents up
their butts.’
9 What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
10 This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
There was a mad French fighter pilot named Pierre, and he had a girlfriend. One day Pierre took his girlfriend
for a picnic, they had a beautiful spread, and the wine was flowing. When they had finished the picnic Pierre’s
girlfriend Sue said, “Pierre, kiss me”. So Pierre poured a glass of wine, threw it on her face and kissed her. Sue
stopped him and asked what was with throwing wine over her before he kissed her. Pierre said, “I am a mad
French fighter pilot, and I always have a glass of wine with my white meat”.
Fair enough thought Sue and they carried on kissing. Sue then took of her top off and told Pierre to kiss her
chest, again he poured a glass of wine over her breasts and started to kiss them. “Stop Pierre, what are you
doing?”, said Sue.
Pierre replied, “I am a mad French Fighter pilot and I always have a glass of wine when I have white meat”,
OK thought Sue, and they started kissing again. Sue then started to take her trousers off, as she slipped her
knickers off she said, “Pierre go down on me”!!! Pierre took a bottle of brandy out of the picnic basket and
poured it into Sue’s lap, and then he lit it! “ Fucking hell, what are you doing? “ shouted Sue. Pierre replied
calmly: “WHEN I GO DOWN, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!!!!!!!”
The following advisory for American travellers heading for
France was compiled from information provided by the US
State Department, The Central Intelligence Agency, the US
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the
Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don’t know about. It is intended as a
guide for American travellers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is
bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
nations of no particular consequence and with not very good
shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the
Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contribution to western
civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get
decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking
French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any
foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are
dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and
those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are
communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes
have girls’ names like Marie, and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel
in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for
easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart
from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increase
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life
for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for
the government to flee to London
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan
of Arc, Jaceques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result
in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the community is
divided into regions, departments, districts’ municipalities,
cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(though confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose
members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom is
to be trusted, frankly. Parliament’s principal preoccupation’s are
setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting
indignant when anyone complains. According to the most
current State Department intelligence, the President now is
someone named Jaceques. Further information is not available
at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have
hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for
anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand,
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to
pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick
to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as the Sheraton and
Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to the
Germany’s in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly
work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over
lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks
and tractors. France’s principal exports, in order of importance
to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers,
land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among its 361 national holidays are 197 Saints’ Days, 37
National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54
Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War
Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back From Exile Days, Important holidays are
National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St
Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day
(November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape,
and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice
country if it weren’t inhabited by French people. The best thing
that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are
intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American
businesses such as McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola
Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or
serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the
American Embassy between the hours of 5.15am and 5.20am on
a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is
supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of
qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no
one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our
holidays at Miami Beach, you are advised to as well. Thank you
and GOOD Luck.
Being single isn’t that bad when you consider the ways in which you can become single, like this poor couple.
Here’s a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if
there is such a thing. A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday
night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of
Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she
succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love. The
heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first
few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a
hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point
on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student’s ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down!
Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that
the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike!
When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion
caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn’t! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the
girl’s face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out. Attracted
by the smell of “food,” a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo
wings from the dead girl’s face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there
silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her
facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before
moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite
where the pre-med student’s car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the
student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partiallyeaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to “successfully” separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked
like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was
unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the
student’s family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the “scrotum mass,” are irreparable. Although most Darwin Awards
are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself
from the gene pool.
Other Nominees
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet
Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, according to his wife, accidentally
jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross
that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in
favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am
I? Dentist
A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
Wedding ring
I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I? Peanut
butter
I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? Chewing gum
All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am
I? Elevator
I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? Nose
If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I? Newspaper boy/girl
I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? Glove
I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I? Crane
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by
members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of
little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly,
some-times slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well
lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some
of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely
hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three
times a day, but often much less. What is it? Toothbrush
Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What am I?
Titanic
You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I? Tent
I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I? Arrow
My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. What am I? Attorney
I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I’m better in your hand than in your bush.
What am I? A bird
The one who makes it sells it. The one who buys it doesn’t use it. The one who’s using it doesn’t know he’s
using it. What am I? A coffin
It’s more powerful than God. It’s more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. If you eat it,
you’ll die. What am I? Nothing
Breaking the code
The terrorist Oslama Bin Liner was reported in the world news to have been killed in an American raid. To
prove that he was still alive Oslama sent a personal hand written message to George Bush. The president
received the following message which appeared to be in code:
370HSSV-O773H
The CIA and the FBI put their top code breakers to the job, but after a week they admitted defeat. The
American military put their best teams to crack the code, but after a further week they too gave up and called
the British Intelligence service to help. Five minutes after they got the message, the UK Intelligence service
replied to the Americans, telling them that the president was holding the message upside down.
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the president exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm. By
following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: “the way to
achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started”. So I looked round the house to see all the
things I had started and hadn’t finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red
wine, a bottle of white wine, the baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium,
some cheese cake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how bloody good I feel. You must pass this on to
those you feel are in need of inner peace.
How smart are you? Can you figure this one out!!!!
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was
enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a
bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow White relents and
says, “When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.”
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog
that jumps into the water before she can.
The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your background and mental powers. If you can’t figure it out
just scroll down for the answer
“SEVEN UP!!!”
This guy decides he’s going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs
one of her breasts and says, “If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your bra.” He laughs
and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says “If
you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your girdle.” Again he laughs and laughs, while his
wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, “If
you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn’t need to keep sleeping with your brother.”
There’s this crippled old woman in a Mental Hospital. Every day she races up and down the hospital corridors
in her wheel chair. One day she turns the corner and is confronted by a man in his dressing gown who is
holding out his hand and says “Stop. I’m a policeman, please show me your Driving License”. The old lady
mumbles to herself and then pulls out an old Kit-Kat wrapper and gives it the man. He studies it for a few
moments and says, “That’s OK, you can go on your way”, and off she goes. This happens for the next two days,
each day asking her for different driving documents such as MOT Certificate, Insurance etc. Each time she
pulls out old sweet wrappers, which he accepts. On the fourth day she is bombing down the corridor and she
turns the corner and there is the old guy however this time he has a hard on and it is sticking out through the
gap in his dressing gown. “Stop. I’m a Policeman” he says. The old lady looks at him and says “Oh no, not the
bloody Breathalyser”!!!!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the
judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail
time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well you honour I persuaded 17 people to stop taking drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful! What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable!” said the judge. To the second boy the judge said, “And you, how did you do?”
“Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!” –
“Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles and said (pointing to the small circle) ‘this is your arsehole
before going to prison.’”
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”
The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on
your face or you’ll be eaten.”
The first apple went in. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and eaten.
The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to
himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with an armful of pineapples.”
This 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, “I had sex with
my teacher today.” “Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!” says the mom. A
while later the father comes home and the mom says, “Go up to your son’s room and talk to him. He’s been
really bad today.” Dad goes up to the son’s room and asks why mom is so mad. “I told her I had sex with my
teacher today,” replied the boy. “All right! That’s my boy!”, says dad. “Ya know son, women just don’t think
like men. But I’m proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That’s my son! Ya know what?
I’m so proud of you I’m gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you’ve been wanting!” So the dad
and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. “You gonna ride it home son?”
asks dad. The boy replied, “Nah, my ass is still sore.”
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town!
“Where’s the god dam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe?” he politely inquires to one of
the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, “Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort
of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can”.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, “Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?”.
“Yes sir, I am,” replies the manager, “but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities
in this, a private restaurant”.
“Fuck off” replies the bloke “and where’s the fucking piano?”
“Pardon?” says the manager.
“Fucking deaf as well, are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano”
“Ahhhh!” replies the manager, “you’ve come about the pianist job” and shows the bloke to the piano.
“Can you play any blues?”
“Of course I can,” and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues
that the manager has ever heard. “That’s superb. What’s it called?”
“I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob,” replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most
melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
“Magnificent!” cries the manager “What’s it called?”
“I wanted a wank over the washin’ machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer”.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most
heart-breaking melody.
“And what’s this called?” asks the manager.
“As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,” replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke’s language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn’t
introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months
until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She’s wearing an
almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little `G’
string she’s wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking
suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! Any way it’s too much for the bloke
and he runs off to the bogs to `wrestle with his bald headed champ’. He’s pulling away furiously when he hears
the managers voice “Where’s that bastard pianist?”
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself
properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, “Do you know your knob
and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jissum on your shoes?”.
The bloke replies “Know it? I fucking wrote it”
Every time Timmy’s mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day,
hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy. “Gee, it’s mighty
dark in here,” Timmy said. “Yes, it sure is,” replied the boyfriend. “You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty
bucks?” asked Timmy. “No way, kid. You’re crazy,” said the boyfriend. “I’ll scream,” said Timmy. The
boyfriend forked over the money. The next day, Timmy’s grandmother came to visit and saw him thumbing
through a wad of money. “Where did you get all that money, Timmy?” she asked, suspecting that he stole it.
Timmy wouldn’t say. “Well, if you won’t tell me, you’ll have to go to confession and tell the priest,” said
Grandma, dragging Timmy off to the church. As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, “Gee
it’s slightly dark in here.” “Are you going to start that shit again?” the priest asked.
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells
the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at
the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the
son asks, “Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?” The father
replies, “I don’t want them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone!”
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive
me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots
of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first
blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid
of the taste, nothing will.”
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides
to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells
the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his suggests the man should go
in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: “She choked.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. “I’ll pay anyone £100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me
on the head with the beer bottle”
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the
small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s
wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”. The big black dude looks down and
says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around.’”
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning
when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she
replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man
said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do
you say...should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know,
honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: “Whack!” “Fuck!”
Bad Skydiver: “Fuck!!” “Whack!!
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’
(in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the
word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was
written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with
the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting
word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead
found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets”
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with
bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics,
suggests, “Let’s strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred.” The
chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, “Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and
is causing a blockage somewhere in the system.” The Microsoft engineer suggests, “Why don’t we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work”
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she
signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right
breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time, if you don’t want to have sex, reach over
and pull on my penis fifty times”
A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with
several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box
office ‘Oomph’ of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they
would portray. “Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.” “Chopin has
always been my favourite,” said Van Damme, “I’ll play him.” The producers were pleased. “Sounds splendid.
But, who do you want to be, Arnold?”. Arnold says -”I’ll be Bach.”
INSIDER’S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
Haven’t I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I’m a Romantic. == I’m poor.
I need you == My hand is tired.
I want a commitment. == I’m sick of masturbation.
You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about == You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better. == So I can tell my friends about it.
It’s just orange juice, try it. == 3 more shots, and you’ll have your legs around my head.
She’s kinda cute. == I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
I don’t know if I like her == She won’t sleep with me.
I miss you so much == I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? == Is my penis really that small?
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
Do you love me? == I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you ‘really’ love me? == I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.
How much do you love me? == I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by
now.
I’ll give you a call. == I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I’ve been thinking a lot. == You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends. == You’re ugly.
I’ve learned a lot from you. == Next!!!!
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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t suggest skydiving for the office team building day.
Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
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Chaos Theory decrees that any new theory your manager comes up with will result in you life becoming
chaotic.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to somewhere you can’t
find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: whatever it is that hits the fan won’t be evenly distributed.
If you’re not part of the problem, you’re working without supervision.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my Case, it was damned near impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman ... then ...POW!... It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Ahhhh.my wife found
out...
“Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the
couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California
lottery!” Martha responds excitedly, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!” The man responds, I don’t
care...just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!
“Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are
beautiful !!!
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he’s finished.
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
“Mum, I have to tell you,” the girl confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.” “I’m not surprised,” said her
mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.”
“Well, yes and no,” the pretty student remarked. “The first eight guys felt great, but after the dog my cunt got
really sore.”
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the
checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he
remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy
some condoms but forgot” “Do you know what size you are?” she asked. “No”. “OK drop your pants and I’ll
tell you what size you are”. The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with
her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please”, he pulls up his
trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees
this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar
course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms
to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching
this course of events was a rather typical 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same
routine. “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” he says. “Do you know what size you are?” “No.”
“OK, I’ll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!”
One day a man comes into a bar, sits down and asks the barman for his usual. He responds no problems donkey
face! When he has finished his pint he asks for another and the barman responds sure thing donkey face! As this
continues into the night a nosy man comes over and asks the gentleman, why do you put up with it and let him
call you donkey face so much? The gentleman replies “ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-always calls me that......”
NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the
introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has
been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it
substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important
user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human
beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and
AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 9.0 is bundled in the package. The
suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as AuraLee, BackDoor, and JerkOff
and TitElation.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the
Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that
the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is
initiated, and the user gets the message, “It is now safe to turn off your partner.”
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General
Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for
its £49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that
is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard
Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98’s potential. He recently said, “Our
contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”
There were 2 blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives. One bloke says to the other, “How’s your sex life
mate?” The other bloke says, “Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way
through. It’s very frustrating.” The first bloke says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same
problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply
fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn’t get enough. I wish I’d done
it years ago.” The other bloke says, “OK, I think I’ll try that.” The next day they are back in the pub again. The
first bloke says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?” The other bloke says, “Fuck mate! Don’t talk to
me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way
through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said.” The first bloke says, “So what happened?” The other
bloke says, “She bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!”
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years
and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not
keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new
guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from
a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the
blonde on the shoulder and says “okay, you can stop now. You’ve been relieved”
A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband’s lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to
him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backwards so her tits were showing and sauntered
into the living room. “Notice anything?” she asked slyly. “Yes, you’ve got your nightgown on backwards.” her
husband answered simply. “How could you tell?” she cooed. “Because the shit stains are in the front.” he said.
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men
stands up and says ‘Look, we’ve got loads more tobacco, I’ll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my
speciality spliffs. Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other
spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his
smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he
is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to
intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks ‘So what have you been doing then? Smoking
cannabis?’ ‘Well sort of’, replies one of the guys, ‘But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.’
‘Ahh’ replies the doctor, ‘And what did you put in it?’ ‘Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of
other spices.’ The doctor sighs. ‘Well that explains it.’ ‘Why, what’s wrong with our friend?’ asks one of the
men. ‘He’s in a korma’ replies the doctor.
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores
her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’ tattooed on her
breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and
suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting
her dress to expose the artwork. “What do you think?” the wife says. “Uh, who the fuck is Bob?” the husband
replies.
A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn’t want to go, but the family insists. On the first
night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it,
and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he’s changed his mind. Now he
LIKES the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the
floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa
calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home. “But yesterday you told me you loved
it there...” says the son. “Yeah, but you don’t understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down
nearly every day.”
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the
Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures
he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls
flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up
and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one
more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him
shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an
innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Minnie and Mickey’s marriage was in trouble. They decided that they should go to a marriage guidance
counsellor. Each took their time with the counsellor. At the end of the appointment the counsellor asked them to
come back a week later, giving him time to examine his notes. A week later they came back and sat together.
The counsellor looked at them both and then addressed Mickey. “You know,” said the counsellor, “you
shouldn’t tell Minnie that she’s crazy.” Mickey looked from Minnie to the counsellor and back again before
saying “I’ve never called her crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.”
This bloke walks into a bar and orders a pint. The landlord looks at him bit funny and asks why he has a
steering wheel hanging on his knob. “I dunno,” the bloke replies, “but it’s driving me nuts!”
This guy goes out to Las Vegas and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the
casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that
you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino
decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors,
and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows,
with a fantastic view of the city. There’s a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag
of money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs
someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the
best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and
there is the the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress and spiked heels. She
walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks
one himself. “Now, down to business,” he says. “How much for a hand job?” The hooker says, “Honey, a hand
job is £500” “What? That’s outrageous” “Come over here,” she says walking towards one of the windows. “See
that strip mall over there,” pointing out the window, “I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy
those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.” “All right, screw it,
money is no object.” A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch revelling in ecstasy. He gets
up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. “That was
the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?” “Honey, a blow job is £5,000” “What? That’s
outrageous.” “Come over here,” she says walking towards another one of the windows. “See that hotel and
casino over there on the corner,” pointing out the window? “I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I
saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.” “All right, what the hell, it’s only money.” The guy
gives her £5000. An hour after she’s done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up
inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers
over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. “My god, that was the
best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, how much for some pussy?” The hooker looks at him and says,
“Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city...”
The Most Bizarre Suicide Ever?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president
Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. On 23
March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun
wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a
safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not
have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who
sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode
of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused
the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the
shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was
threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his
wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B
in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his
wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the
killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing
investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks
prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son,
knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had
become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to
jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Contrary to popular belief, Adam was not the first person on Earth. God created Eve first. And he created her
with 3 breasts. After flopping around the earth for a couple of months, Eve summons God and says “look these
3 breasts just aren’t working, they are always banging into each other, it’s just not symmetrical, maybe there
should be 2 or 4, I don’t know.” God says “Well maybe we will just remove the middle one and see how that
goes.” So, he takes it and throws it over his shoulder. Eve jumped around a bit then stated that it was much
better and off she went. A couple of months later she summons God again and says “look, I’ve been flopping
around the world for a couple of months now and I’m getting kind of lonely, any chance you could create a
companion or something, maybe a Man?” God thought for a moment then said “Yes I think we can do
something..........now, where did I put that useless tit?”
Chris walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: free beer! Free beer for the person who can pass
the test! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: “Well, first you have to drink that whole
gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and, you can’t make a face while doing it. second, there’s a
‘gator out back with a sore tooth, you have to remove it with your bare hands. third, there’s a woman upstairs
who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer,
I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as
time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the tequila with both hands,
and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the
people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar,
his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
1. Never walk around without a document in your hand. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re
heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above
all, make sure you take loads of files home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work
longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You
can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything
remotely related to work. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defence is to
claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, so you won’t have to be sent on expensive training
courses. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you’ve learned. That will make
him/her scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Keep your desk messy. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like
you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last
year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know
somebody important is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Learn to use voicemail to your advantage. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don’t call
you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work
for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voicemail. If somebody leaves a message for
you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. This not only gives the impression that
you’re hardworking and conscientious, but by returning calls when nobody is there, you will greatly increase
the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voicemail
message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it myself”. If your voice mailbox has a
limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is
never to erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few to speed things up. Your
callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” - a sure sign that you are a
hardworking employee in high demand, and again, likely to make them give their work to someone else.
5. Finally, some good excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office: “They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.” “This is just a 15-minute power nap, they raved about in that time-management course you sent
me on.” “Whew! I must have left the top off the Tippex” “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!” “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.” “This is in exchange for the 6 hours last night when I
dreamed about work!” “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.” “Boy that cold medicine I took last
night just won’t wear off!”
A tramp walks into a pub. ‘Get out’ says the barman, ‘we don’t serve tramps’. The tramp says ‘ I don’t want a
drink, I just want a cocktail stick’. The Barman is confused but wants to get rid of the tramp so gives him a
cocktail stick and tells him to get lost. Five minutes later, another tramp walks into the pub. ‘Get out’ says the
barman, ‘we don’t serve tramps’. The tramp says ‘I don’t want a drink, I just want a cocktail stick’. The barman
is more confused but just wants a quiet life so gives him a cocktail stick and tells him to get lost. Five minutes
later, a third tramp walks into the pub. ‘Get out’ says the barman, ‘we don’t serve tramps, I’ve already told your
mates to get lost’. The tramp says ‘I don’t want a drink, I just want a straw’. Now the barman is even more
confused. ‘What the hell do you want a straw for?’ says the barman. ‘Well’ says the tramp, ‘someone’s been
sick outside but all the good bits have already gone’
Three guys went out one Saturday evening to the Paul McKenna show. As chance would have it, their seats
were right in the front row. All throughout his act, these three guys heckled Paul until finally, his patience gave
way. Paul called them all up on stage and said “Have you got a problem? Why are you heckling me?” The three
guys replied “...well, it’s crap....it’s all rigged, you can’t hypnotise people.” With this, Paul clicked his fingers
three times and said “Sleep...Sleep...Sleep”. Immediately, the three guys fell asleep on the spot. Paul
continued... “Between now and lunch-time tomorrow, you will all do whatever your wives/girlfriends/partners
tell you to do......” He clicked his fingers again and the three guys woke up completely unaware of what had just
happened. The show finished and the three guys went on their separate ways. Now, it just so happened, that
these three “mates” always met up on Sunday lunchtime down the local pub for a couple of pints. The day after
the McKenna show was no exception.... The first guy staggered into the pub covered in dust and gravel. His
clothes were in tatters and he had some severe cuts and bruises. The publican asked “What happened to you,
Dave?” Dave replied: “I don’t understand it....I got up this morning and started to do the left-over washing up
from last night. I used slightly too much washing up liquid and a plate slipped out of my hands and broke on the
kitchen floor. My girlfriend piped up “...Oh, that’s right......tear the whole house down why don’t you!!!!!”. A
few minutes later, the second guy walked into the pub. His hair had been burned off, his face had half melted
and the rest of his body was severely charred. The publican quipped “What happened to you, Mike?” Mike
replied “I don’t understand it...I got up this morning and lit a cigarette. I left it on the side of the ash-tray and it
fell off and burned a small hole in the carpet. My girlfriend piped up “...Oh, that’s right....burn the whole house
down why don’t you!!!!!” Ten minutes later, the third guy walked in. He was covered in blood, had a big chunk
of flesh in his left hand and was wielding a large kitchen knife in his right. The publican asked “What happened
to you, Pete?” Pete replied “I don’t understand it....I woke up this morning and, as usual, was feeling a bit
randy. I put my hand between my girlfriends legs and she said ‘....and you can cut that out!’”
A man pays his weekly visit to his elderly mother. She answers her front door in a floods of tears, “What’s
wrong Mum?” he asks. “It’s terrible” she says “I went to the doctors for a check-up and he started making
sexual remarks to me” “WHAT?” cries the outraged son. “That’s right” she continued “I’m sitting there in my
underwear when the cheeky young monkey starts making dirty comments about my body” “We’ll soon see
about this” says the son as he phones the doctor. “What’s all this about you making suggestive remarks to my
elderly mother” he barks down the phone. “Excuse me?” says the baffled doctor. “Don’t play innocent with me,
my mother came to you for a health check NOT to be made to feel like a two-bit whore.” he ranted. “I can
assure you” explained the doctor “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. I only told your mother she had acute
angina.”
This demonstrate his affection by avoiding, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has
eaten a few when the woman opposite says ‘would you mind not doing that it’s disgusting to watch.’ He replies
‘listen love, it’s got sod all to do with you, I’ve paid my fare for this journey and I’ll do what I want on this
train.’ And he carries on ripping off the shells and throwing them out of the window and eating prawns. Finally
he finishes the bag and settles down to sleep. The woman then starts knitting and all the bloke could hear while
he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. He shouts out ‘could you stop that I’m trying to
sleep.’ The woman replies ‘it’s got sod all to do with you, I’ve paid my fare and I’ll do what I want on the
train.’ The man gets up grabs the woman’s knitting and throws it out of the window. She gets up and pulls the
alarm cord. He says ‘ha, ha, you’ll get fined 200 pounds for that.’ She says ‘And you’ll get 6 years when the
police smell your fingers!’
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut ball in Newport, Vermont named Scott Williams who
digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his
spare time! Anyway...here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time
you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute, 207 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled “93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothes line
post... Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident
that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that
those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to its modern origin:
1) The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.
2) The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of
even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3) The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it
is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with
this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
a) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
b) Clams don’t have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated.
This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls
were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we
must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the
concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for
one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin. However, we
gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to
accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter,
and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on
your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the
excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator- Antiquities
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
“My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the Englishman. “So we decided to call him George.”
“That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so we decided to call
him Andrew.”
“My God that’s amazing,” said the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”
Hotel room... Jim Morrisson in one corner with the rest of his band in another corner are John Lennon, Paul
McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Gillian Taylforth walks in, drops to her knees in
front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, then
his drummer and finally the keyboard player. When she’s finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John
Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there’s a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes
through a wall in a mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts “Oi, you’re only
supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!”
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. Please don’t answer it without giving it some
serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an
unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision. You’re in Florida...In
Miami, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of
major proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great
disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury. You
see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be swept away with the water and debris. You
move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is... It’s George W. Bush! At the
same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever. You know for a fact that he
will die if you don’t do something quickly. You have only two options. You can save him or you can take the
most dramatic photos of your life. You can save the life of George W. Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prizewinning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful men. This photo will catapult you
into the stratosphere of journalism. Now, here’s the question (and please give an honest answer): Would you
select colour film, or go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself
home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card
numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen
dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So, the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely
in time to catch his flight. One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front
of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of
cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The
businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked. “Fifteen bucks,”
came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?” “What?!!! Get the hell out of my
cab!” The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the
same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to
the airport?” The cabby replied “Fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “Okay” and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Bill Gates dies and at the doors of heaven St Peter gives him a £5000 suit for his achievements on earth. As he
walks along he notices a man with a much more expensive suit and is very angry. he asks St Peter who he is. he
is the captain of the Titanic says St Peter. Bill is furious saying he created Windows etc! Ah yes, said St Peter,
but the Titanic only crashed once...
An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman,
chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Frenchman: “You English folk eat the whole bread??”
Englishman (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain.” The Frenchman has a
smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jam with the bread??”
Englishman: “Of Course.”
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
“We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain.”
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: “Do you have sex in France?”
Frenchman: “Why of course we do”, he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.”
Englishman: “We don’t. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum
and sell them to France.”
Beware fellas!! Embarrassing Experience
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I’d get me one of those girls you see
advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in
the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the
way up to her derriere. You know the kind. So I’m in my room and figure, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.
“Hello?” the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should
be straight with you. I’m in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want
it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything
you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to dial 9.”
A burglar sneaks into a garden when he hears a voice “Jesus is watching you” he thinks nothing of it and moves
towards the house. Again he hears a voice “Jesus is watching you” he turns to see a parrot sat on a perch. The
parrot then says “Jesus is watching you” ah ha says the burglar goes over and says what’s your name parrot so i
can write it on your grave?! Moses he replies. who calls a parrot Moses asks the burglar, the parrot replies, the
same person that calls his Rottweiler Jesus........
There was a Jewish baby, a German baby and an Irish baby all born on the same ward. The midwife was seeing
to them one day, but managed to get them all crossed up and put them in the wrong beds, so she said to herself
“how do I get out of this mess?” “I know” she replied. So she shouted “seek hail”, the German baby raised its
hand to salute Hitler, the Jewish baby shit itself, and the Irish thought it was at home and started to shovel the
shit. “Ah, there we go, all sorted” thought the midwife.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a
very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey
Kokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left leg in, and then the trouble started. SHUT UP. You know it’s funny and has made you smile, now
pass it along
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is
pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets
them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh
no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, Honey. We share lanes with them.” A
stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and
says, “Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the
book. The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real crazy one this time.”
The neighbourhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on
his route left him something in the mailbox in honour of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts,
and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighbourhood. As he
proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch! He was so
satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened,
and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this
woman’s husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and
night of his life. The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar
bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, “When I called my husband to ask him what
we should give you for your retirement, he said, “Screw him; give him a dollar.” Breakfast was my idea.”
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything! Jeff walks into a bar and sees his
friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?” “Yes,” replies
Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she
agreed.” “That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues
Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it
wouldn’t show”. “Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered
it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.” “And what happened then?” “I kicked her in the face.”
Subject: MIND TRICK
Have you ever wondered if your mind is normal or different?
Well, do this little mind exercise and find out at the end! Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions and scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss
something)........
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
QUICK! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
You’re thinking of a carrot, right? If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are different
enough to think something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
Why I fired my secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to
breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and would probably have a present
for me. She didn’t even say “Good Morning” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for
you. Maybe the children will remember.” The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. When I
started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet,
said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” So I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until
noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your
birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s
go.” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You
know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She
said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the
bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children
and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked. And that is
why I fired my secretary!
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was
wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are
giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her
head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and
there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, madam?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
“True” Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to
reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley
faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit
whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask; “because you are my friend”.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
I’m Not Drunk!!
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the
sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of
one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink,
which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass,
which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink
with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with
one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the
houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not
under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I’m not drunk you shilly sit!
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. As
he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the
women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.” The old man frowned, “I did not come down
here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding up the bucket,
he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister
is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal’s office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36”.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an “F” and ends in “K” that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten
questions myself.”
Johnny: I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.
Steven That’s nothing. I know a prisoner who took twenty years to finish a sentence!
Wife: You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Lateral Thinking... Just Check This Out!!!! Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
man
1. ----board
knee
7. ----light
Ans. = man overboard
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
stand
2. -----------i
ground
8. ----------------------------feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = I understand
Ans. = six feet underground
OK?.... Got the drift? Let’s try a few now and see
how you fair?
9. he’s / himself
Ans. = he’s by himself
3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
10. ecnalg
Ans. = reading between the lines
Ans. = backward glance
4. r
road
a
d
11. death ..... life
Ans. = life after death
Ans. = cross road
12. THINK
5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. think big !!
Ans. = tricycle
13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
0
6. ----M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. long time no ‘C’ (see)
And the last one is real fundoo ..
Ans. = two degrees below zero
Smoking is now banned from this pub
Due to Government Intervention smoking is now banned from this and every other pub.
NANNY KNOWS BEST?
Now put that fag out before coming in!
One day 2 pieces of Tarmac are in a pub arguing over who is the hardest, the first says I’m from the M25 I’m
rock hard!! The second says no way I’m from the M3 I’m much harder! This continues for an hour or so when
the door creaks open and they both turn to see a red piece of Tarmac enter, quiet lads they say, that’s a cycle
path!
1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it’s great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You’re in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What’s the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One’s thick and hairy, the other’s a coconut.
9. What’s the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin’at?”
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who’s driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE’s? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in an AUDI A3 a shame? An AUDI seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One - they’ll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, “That’s some uvver bleeders job innit.”
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn’t mean to, he just forgot to close the AUDI’s window in the car
wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for
lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?” - The blonde girl leaned over the
counter and said, Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing.”
25. Two chavs jump off Beachy Head, who wins? Society
An old bloke walks into the offices of his local paper and tells the chap behind the desk that his wife died at the
weekend and would like to place an obituary in next week’s paper, and ask how much it would cost. “I’m very
sorry to hear of you loss, sir” said the chap behind the desk, “here’s the form to fill in with your wording, we
charge £2 per word”. “That’s expensive” said the old man as he took the form over to the corner of the office
and begins to fill it in. A couple of minutes later, the old bloke takes the completed form to the desk, along with
£6. It reads “MAVIS IS DEAD”. The clerk says to the bloke “You can’t just put that, sir. Surely you must have
more to say?”. “Well £6 is all I can afford” says the old chap. “Tell you what, sir” says the clerk “I’ll give you
three words for free, so go back over to the corner and say what you would like to say”. A few minutes later,
the old bloke takes the amended form back to the clerk, now with 6 words on it. It reads... “MAVIS IS DEAD.
While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The Salesman said to them, ‘I have some very
special Jamaican sandals I tink you would Be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.’
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the Man claimed, but her husband felt he
really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you into a sex freak?’
The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’
So, the husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and Tried them on. As soon as he slipped
them onto his feet, he got this Wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In The
blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently Over a table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, ‘You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit
looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll
see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with
the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do
this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about
your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts
down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was
merely trying to help us all!”
The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on
ecstasy!”
One day Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit are walking through the forest when they come across a genie in a bottle.
They rub the bottle and the genie appears, and seeing that there are two of them and the genie hasn’t been
rubbed up and down for a while he decides to do a special offer...
“3 wishes each, that’s 6 in total boys, now who’s first up.. Mr. Bear?”
“OK” Mr Bear replies, “Well I wish that all the bears in this forest were hot looking girl bears!”
The genie winks at Mr Bear and grants his wish; he then turns to Mr Rabbit...
“Well, in that case I wish I had a crash helmet” says Mr Rabbit.
The genie grants this wish and asks Mr Bear for his second wish...
“Well, I wish that all the bears in this country were hot looking girl bears who were hot for me!”
Aha! says the genie with a sly grin and a wink, your wish is granted..
“OK, well now I want a motor bike” says Mr Rabbit. Mr Bear looks at Mr Rabbit in disgrace and then uses his
final wish.
“Well seeing as how Mr Rabbit keeps wasting wishes I could be using I’m going to make this one really count.
I wish that all the bears in the world were sexy girl bears all for me, I wanna be the only guy bear so I can have
em all!”
The genie is pleased with this wish and gives Mr Bear a nudge in the ribs.
“Your wish is granted Mr Bear, you horny devil!”
Finally, Mr Rabbit uses his final wish.
“Well, I wish Mr Bear was gay!!!!” and takes off as fast as he can on his motor bike!
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to
hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days
later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is
terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and
he received another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to
his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from
the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up you’re arse and go as a fucking toffee apple.
Have you ever met a man that thinks he’s funny but isn’t? Simply tell him this: A man walks into a bar, (not
ouch) orders a pint, drinks it and leaves, funny? Neither are you!! Insulting isn’t it? I like that one!
A Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. “This is the
pig I have sex with when you have a headache” says the man. Wife replies “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep”.
Man replies “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep”.
A little boy walks into his parent’s room to see his mom on top of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom
sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dress’s quickly and goes to find
him. The son sees his mom and asks’ “What were you and dad doing?” The mother replies “Well you know
your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your
time.” say’s the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door
comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again.”
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night club, Kylie slipped and got
her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this
and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to, your turn now, Will”
grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked “Why are you crying, Will? What’s wrong?” Will sobbed
“My head won’t fit between the rail.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And, who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Timmy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say,” Timmy replied.
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Sheilah O’Brien?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Kathleen Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona Grogan, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church Mass for three months. Be off with you now.”
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Three month’s vacation and five good leads.”
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. Next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer
who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the
Story : Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “would it
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud):
“England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual
orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil’s own
job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all
dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And, they said that a rope ladder
doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I
didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and
limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash
helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny.”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a
disciplinary.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s
the rules.”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe it’s to be encouraged, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case. Kiss me, Hardy.”
I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But
they look so close on the map.”
Q: What is the best thing about getting a blow job from a Spice Girl?
A: 10 minutes of silence.
Q: You are on an overloaded and sinking lifeboat with the Spice Girls. Who do you throw overboard?
A: Yourself.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So spice girls can understand them.
Q: Why don’t Spice Girls eat Jello? (Jelly)
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What did Geri say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”
Q: How do you know when a Spice Girl has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q:How do the spice girls part their hair ?
A: By doing the splits
Q:Why do they wash their hair in a bowl?
A: Beacause thats where you wash vegetables
Q: Whgats the differance between a spice girl and a computer ?
A : You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you ?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back
Q: What did the Spice girls mom say to her daughters date ?
A: If your not in bed by 11 go home.
Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel ?
A: An airbag
Q. Why are jokes about Spice Girls so short?
A. So that the girls themselves understand them!
Q. How do you make the Spice Girls laugh on Friday?
A. Tell them a joke on Tuesday!
Q. Whats the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?
A. Dunno - never seen either!
Q: What is the difference between a Spice Girl and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been inside a 747.
Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it while the others pretend to have talent, zigazig and ahhh.
Q: How do you drown a Spice Girl?
A: You put a Scratch and Sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool!
Q: What do you get if you put the Spice Girls in a line?
A: A Wind Tunnel!
Q: What do a turtle and a spice girl have in common?
A: put them on their back and they’re both screwed
Q: What is the difference between a smart Spice Girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What happens when a Spice Girl gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why did the Spice Girls scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why don’t Spice Girls eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.
Q: What does a Spice Girl and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ‘Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
Church, labelled “For The Sick”, is for monetary donations only.’
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ‘Will the person
who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a
poisoning case.’
From The Times: ‘A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on
an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common these days.”‘
From The Gloucester Citizen: ‘A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891
number from an advertisement entitled “Hear Me Moan” the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her
husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the
complaint, saying, “He got what he deserved.”‘
From The Barnsley Chronicle: ‘Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the
back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting
an intruder in the garden, had dialled 999. What Mr Finch did not know was that Mr Melchett had been visiting
Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of a rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet
high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.’
From The Scottish Big Issue: ‘In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a “My Name is
Henry” convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in
fact an Angus. “It was a lie”, explained Mr Pap, “I’m a Henry and always will be.”, whereupon Henry Pap
attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more
Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a
giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.”
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed “Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes”: the money
will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life.
We will be training them for new positions in hotels.”
From The Derby Abbey Community News: “We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated
that ‘Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force’. This was a typographical error. We meant of course
that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.”
From The Manchester Evening News: “Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station
released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.”
From The Guardian: “After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of
Leeds changed his name by deed poll to “Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards”. The Bank has now asked
him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his
new
name.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and
the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife
tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver
asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss
asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home again I
take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this
time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it
anymore.” The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your
husband or what?”
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at
11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a
pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t.” he stated in a phone interview from the County
courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that
he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “I guess I
was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson
apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said officer Taylor. “I
walked up to (Davidson) and he’s just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached Davidson. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and
said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn. is it midnight already?’“
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS-For those whose only failure to qualify for the full award was
that they somehow have managed to survive their own stupidity:
1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head
wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions
on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two
fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of
work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. “I’m still not sure why I did it,”
she said later. “I was really close to the car, so I didn’t think anyone would see; besides, it couldn’t have
been for more than two seconds.” However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running
over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
cleaning Corcoran’s teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran’s
gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick’s hand.
Moeller’s wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
2. Tacoma, Washington: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they
knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least ten men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. One end
of the cable was secured around Bingham’s leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. “All I can say,” said Bingham, “is that God was
watching out for me on that night. There’s just no other explanation for it.” Bingham’s foot was never
located.
3. Bremerton, Washington: Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when
Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher’s penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey
commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke,
covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy jumped back, tearing away the penis. While
trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her
wrist and ankle. Christopher’s penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. “Christopher is just plain lucky,” said
the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. “Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be
very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilise the
wound. Also, aside from it’s being removed, the damage caused by the dog’s teeth to the penis perse is
minimal. It’s really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use
of his limb because of this.” Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
Nothing says I love you like a blowjob in the morning.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about 'The Relationship'.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Weekend = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the wardrobe.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says I love you like a blowjob in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void
after 7 days.
29. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the slip-road, you saying, "This is our turn-off," is
strictly not necessary.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant
the other one.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs
stared at.
37. Nothing says I love you quite like a blowjob in the morning
It is near the end of the day. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are
restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the school year. The teacher says to her class,
"Whoever answers the questions I ask first can go home early." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's
right Susie. You can go." Johnny was mad. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a
Dream?'" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who
said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you." Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was boiling mad. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The
teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
When blue collar workers get together they often talk about football. When middle management meet, they talk
about tennis. When top management meet they talk golf. Conclusion: The higher you climb the corporate ladder
the smaller your balls become.
Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy
tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks an Aussie. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi. They all board the train. The Aussies take their
respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train
has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the
Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis
don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and
you'll see," answers a kiwi. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three
Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom
and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the
baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he
thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first
place!"
Three men are washed over the side of a ship, and eventually find themselves stranded on a desert island. They
haven't eaten for weeks, and are wasting away. Suddenly one of them spots a body floating past in the sea. He
says, "I support Liverpool, so I'll have the liver." The second one says, "I support Hartlepool, so I'll have the
heart." The third one adds, "I support Arsenal, but suddenly I seem to have lost my appetite."
Mule Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell
you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the." "I didn't ask for any details," the
lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'." Farmer
Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted
again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly
interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the
Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such
bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from
a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the
barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in
garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
Two young girls were on holiday in Spain, and walking along the beach. As one took her top off, her friend
noticed a large letter W on her stomach. "Hey how did you get that?" "Oh I met this English boy from
university at the disco last night. Then we came to the beach and made love. Trouble was his tee-shirt was
damp and the lettering got transferred." "Really? Where was he from? Warwick?" "No, Manchester."
There were a group of archaeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics that were, from left to right: a dog, a
donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation. They
believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, they knew man had to have company, hence the dog.
Next, they knew that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because of
their advanced knowledge of tools. Next, they knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of
food. Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have religion. After the explanation, a man
jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew read from right to left! It says 'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that
bitch!'"
Bill Board and his best friend Sam Plank die in a car crash. Bill goes to heaven and Sam to Hell. Bill is bored
playing with his harp all day So God allows him to go and see Sam in Hell for one day only. Bill, and his harp
go to visit Sam for the day and find that he has opened a disco. Anyway, Bill is enjoying himself so much he
forgets the time; with minutes to go before midnight Bill leaps up and rushes out of the disco and makes it to
heaven just before his midnight curfew. Just as he gets in through the pearly gates, Bill lets out a cry and St
Peter asks him what’s wrong "I don't believe it " says Bill, "I left my harp in Sam Planks disco!!!"
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE
JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not
work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of
moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking
more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight,
Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly
up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on
vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits
as something like the "second tall man".
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M.
at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage
during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and
taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides
to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells
the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells
the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggests the man should
go in and tries oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Being curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence looks in and someone pokes him in the eyes. Everyone
in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Paul McCartney returns from America with his wife's ashes. He returns home and says to the kids 'I've got
some good news and I've got some bad news'. The kids ask for the bad news first so he says 'Your mum has
died and I've got her ashes here'. Then the distraught kids ask how can there possibly be any good news to
which he replies 'We're having sausage, bacon, egg and black pudding for breakfast tomorrow'.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to
her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy
and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and visa
versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, okay,
if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50, figuring that
since she is blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyers asks the first question, what is
the distance from the earth to the moon? The blond doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five
dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it is the blonde's turn, she asks the lawyer, what goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out this laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and
the library of congress. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes up the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks. Well, so
what is the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to
sleep.
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.
Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks
to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day,
10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you
can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A
few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he
kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business," For
the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique,
not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their
workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging
around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight Loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the
door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth
every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his
delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this
company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun," Feeling much
better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss
program. "Are you sure, sir?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock
at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the
weight Loss Company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises
Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little
boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My
mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his
hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watching' TV yesterday and I saw the
Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And
he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have
to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the copilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you
look at how fookin short that runway is". "Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry. "Tis is gonna be one a'
the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see" said Paddy. "Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry. "Roit
Gerry. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy "Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry. "And ten you
stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy "Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry. "And ten you pray to
ta Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry. So they approached the
runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put
the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his
soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres
from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board. As they sat in the
cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry "Tat has gotta be the
shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life".Gerry looked out the side window and replied
"Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,
"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten!!!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing
her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Once upon a time there was a small duck named Daffy who didn't want to fly south for the winter. Daffy felt it
was a silly tradition to keep flying north and south every year, so this year, he intended to stay right where he
was. All the other ducks then took off for their yearly migration, enjoyed the feeling of being alone for the first
time in his young life. Soon, however, the weather began to turn cold. So cold, in fact, that Daffy realised that
he had made a serious mistake. So Daffy reluctantly decided to fly south after all. The weather was very, very
cold. And soon, Daffy was so cold, he couldn't continue. He fell to the ground and lay in a grassy field near
death. Along came a cow, who was eating the grass in the field. The cow took a big dump, and some of the cow
shit fell on Daffy, burying him up to his neck. The cow shit was very warm. It was so warm, that it soon thawed
Daffy out. He began to feel a lot better .. and he began to quack happily. The sound of his quacking attracted a
nearby cat, who dug Daffy out of the cow shit, killed him, and ate him. The MORAL of the story: He who shits
on you is not necessarily your enemy. He who digs you out of shit is not necessarily your friend, and If you're
up to your neck in shit, but you're comfortable and happy. keep your mouth shut!!! Most important of all: Get
out before the shit hits you.
Periodic Table
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural
areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1.Surface usually covered with painted film.
2.Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.Melts if given special treatment.
4.Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
Chemical Properties:
1.Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2.Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4.Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5.Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6.Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3.Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4.Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
1.Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2.Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling
2.Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub. Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks
a Humbug. "Fuck me" shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table. "What the fuck are you doing that
for?" says Smartie. "That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from
him" says Polo. "You should stand up to him" says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do" Sure enough,
the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. "Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking
shit out of you" says Polo. "Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink" says Humbug. "Told you so" says
Smartie. The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate,
Tune. "Fuck me" shouts Polo again diving under the table. "What the fuck are you doing that for again" says
Smartie. "I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune" says Polo. "So what?" says Smartie. "He's
fucking menthol" says Polo.
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the
invitation he puts, "theme party - come as a human emotion." On the night of the party the first guest arrives
and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says
to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The
host replies, "Great, come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens
the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate
parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, amazing outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell
goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a
bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys,
what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is
this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has come in despair.
Quips About Married Life
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little
wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I
told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many
gadgets, and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" said the truck driver.
A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us 5 years now. Isn't it time that she got herself
her own apartment?" "My mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."
A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly
and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth dear, is this third child really
mine?" "Yes, dear," replied the wife, " but the other two are not."
One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during
last week and did everything mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, daddy."
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks
up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says,
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again
sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She
answered, "Your horse just called."
Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal team are having a chat in the dressing room before their match against
Tottenham. "Look guys, I know they're shite.", explains Arsene, "but we have to play them to keep the FA
happy". "I'll tell you what.", pipes up Bergkamp, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own,
how does that sound?". "Seems reasonable.", replies Arsene and the other lads, and with that they all go down
the Highbury Tavern and start playing pool. After an hour or so, Vieria remembers the match and flicks to pub
telly onto Ceefax: Arsenal 1 (Bergkamp 10min), Tottenham 0 - is the scoreline. Confidently they resume their
pool match for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: Arsenal 1 Bergkamp 10min),
Tottenham 1 (Ginola 89min). "WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Highbury where they find Dennis sitting
in the dressing room with his head in his hands. "What the fuck happened, Dennis?", bellows Tony Adams.
"Sorry lads", Bergkamp replies, "Bloody ref sent me off in the 11th minute".
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to
be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the
Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby
on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young Woman "You have a healthy bouncing baby
girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on
my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to
ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl
again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the
movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate
to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises
collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The
baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife,
shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to
bark!"
There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a burly pint of cloudy scrumpy to
demonstrate just how HARD they are. The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his
central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they're getting on really well.
They are just about to take the A-Roads "back to their place" as a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the
door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table.
Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and
walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've
blown it with the A-Roads. The first A-road asks the Motorway, "Why did you go white and dive for cover
when that pink piece of tarmac walked in - you're supposed to be the king of the roads?". The Motorway replies
"WHY? That guy's a fucking cycle path!!"
Geoff was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine",
responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial
disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs, I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10:00 AM." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any
preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest
with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to
do first."
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of
Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything
about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
A big woman called Sandra walks into the doctor’s office with a huge boil on her bum. The doctor squeezes it,
pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus filled core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to
Gus the pus sucker. The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and
says "This is no problem" and he proceeds to suck out the pus and core of the boil. Halfway through, the
woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like
you that make this job fucking disgusting".
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike
you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a
taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says,
"Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
3 men die and goto Heaven. Peter is at the gates and tells the men "Heaven's a big place, your gonna need a car
to travel around. the type of car you get depends on how faithful you have been to your partner." So he asks the
first man if he has been faithful and he replies
"Sort of, I had a one night stand with a girl at the office Christmas party but nothing else." Peter replies to him
"okay, you can have a Skoda." He's not too happy with his car but he thinks "at least it will get me round
heaven."
Peter asks the second man if he has been faithful to his wife and he replies "Well sort of, I snoged my secretary
but nothing else." Peter replies to him "okay, you can have a Escort." He also thinks "at least it will get me
round heaven."
Peter asks the third man but he replies "I've been very faithful, I’ve not even looked at another woman." Peter is
impressed and replies "For that sir, you can have a Porsche." Obviously he is very happy.
The next day, the first and second man are driving down the motorway in Heaven and see the third man sat on
the hard shoulder crying his eyes out, he's really upset. The first and second man pull over and ask him what is
the matter? They point out that he has a faster and better car; he replies "I know but I’ve just seen my wife go
past on a skateboard!!"
On the eighth day God was admiring his creation when he spotted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. There
were still a couple of favours to be handed out, so God decided to let the pair fight over what was left. God said
to the eager couple "I can't decide who gets what, so whoever shouts the loudest nabs the first gift and the
second one gets what's left. First off who wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam immediately jumped up
and down shouting "Me, Me, I want that!" God smiled and gave Adam the privilege "Damn! That sounds really
good." thought Eve "I should have shouted louder." with that God turned to Eve and said "Well I'm afraid all I
have left is the multiple orgasm."
Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled
because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the
finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the
producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where
he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the
picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be
disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever. group sex,
S&M, golden showers. and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye,
the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the
old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back,
"That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home,
hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast,
and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she
slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back
and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's
pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you
think you're going" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that
I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!" The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and
comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife exclaims. "I'm
coming with you.I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Well the pope was on tour in some small town when he woke one morning with a massive bonner, so he
quickly peeked around to see if anybody was watching, when found that nobody was, he began stroking it then
wrapped his hand around it and began to toss, when all of a sudden a reporter burst the door and took a picture
of the pope slapping his monkey, afraid that he could possibly be dismissed of his duties the pope quickly
offered the reporter $10,000 for his camera and the film. The reporter graciously accepted the popes offer and
sold him the camera. That day while pope was out sight-seeing with the archbishop the bishop noticed the
pope's excellent camera and asked how much he paid for it. When the pope replied $10,000 the bishop said shit,
they must have seen you cumming
Two couples went camping together, and after the first night, the two husbands got to talking. "I don't know
about you," said one, "but our sex life has gotten a little monotonous. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife
dearly and would never want to lose her. How about you?" "I was just thinking the same thing! How would you
feel about, ah, trying something different for a change?" "You mean, switching? For the night? Sounds like fun
to me! Let's go ask the girls!" They did and, much to their surprise, the wives consented to the experiment. The
next morning, the husbands compared notes. "How did you like it?" asked the first husband. "Not bad at all,"
replied the other. "Let's go see how the girls made out!"
A couple went to a sex therapist's office in a nearby city. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man
said, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened
several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The man said,
"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house: I'm married and we can't go
to my house. We live in a small town so can't go to a motel there. In the city the Holiday Inn charges $100 and
the Hilton charges $135. We come to you for $50, and I get $42 back from BUPA.
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots
her three times in the stomach. Luckily he babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because
it`s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's
wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells
her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the
room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and
explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the
mom,"I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking
off and I shot the dog."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and
suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks
as if I did a pretty good job."
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and
wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of
heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and
unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass
through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an
open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without
prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have
often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are
there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I
would love to see what was actually said, Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history
of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single
word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' - it's celibrate!"
An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing.
I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?" The Father said "Well, have
you considered smacking the boys?" The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church
would frown upon that!" The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse,
why don't you try it?" The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it." The next morning little Johnny and
little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this
morning?" Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother
smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the
boys, watched in horror. The mother turned and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this
morning?" Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know
but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles."
Ever wonder how the 7 dwarves got their name?
Here is the truth:
Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.
With three dwarves left,
She turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered,
"That should be against the law."
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi, you'd better drop your pick"
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!
A Chicken and an Egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, who is frowning and looking pissed off mutters to itself "Well, I guess we answered that question!"
A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What’s the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and
reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling,"
the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."
There's this couple in bed. The wife is curled up ready for sleep and the husband has his bed lamp on to read a
book. As he's reading, he stops, reaches over to his wife and starts fondling her pussy. After doing this for a
while he stops and goes back to reading his book. The wife immediately gets up and starts stripping off in front
of him. The husband looks shocked and asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The wife replies, "You were
playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband replies, "No, no. I
was having a problem turning the pages of my book!"
Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them
occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The
second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to
become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled
out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I
brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating."
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted
Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
It's elementary
Let’s ring up a friend
And try double entry
Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I’ve just come
Pass me a hanky
Roses are red
When in reality
Sleeping with girls
Can't beat bestiality
Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me yer clit
And I’ll cum in your lap
Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy
Roses are red
But I like carnations
You're crap in bed
So I fucked your Alsatian
Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits
Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina
There was a conference on the supernatural last year and one of the events was a lecture by the world's leading
expert on ghosts. Before a packed auditorium, the speaker walked up to the podium and said, "Before I start my
lecture, I like to ask a few questions to get a feel for my audience. How many of you have ever been in an
authentic haunted house?" Just about everyone raised their hands. "Good!" the speaker said, “Now how many
of you have ever been in direct contact with the spirit world?" Not as many people, but still a lot of them raised
their hands. "Excellent!" the speaker resounded, "Now this last question is a bit unorthodox but I have to ask it
anyway. Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?" The audience members looked around and were
mumbling to themselves when in the very back of the auditorium, a hand slowly rose. "You sir!! In the back!!
Could you please stand up?" The man stood up looking rather embarrassed. Then the speaker said, "Sir in the
30 years that I have studied the spirit world you are the first person I have ever met that has answered yes to
this question! You have actually had sex with a ghost?" "A ghost?" the man said, " I am sorry. I thought you
said goat!!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the
cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got
it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow
me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went,
across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Mr and Mrs Jones were at church and Mrs Jones kept falling asleep. Mr Jones went to the priest and asked him
what he could do to keep his wife from falling asleep. The priest thought about it for a minute and handed Mr
Jones a pin. And said, "During my sermon, I'll be able to tell when your wife falls asleep, I'll signal to you and
you stab her with the pin." So the next day, the priest notices that Mrs Jones is nodding off, putting his plan to
work he said, "And who is your saviour?" Taking this as a sign, Mr Jones stabs his wife. Mrs Jones yells out,
"Jesus!" The priest says back, "Well yes Mrs Jones, you are right." Shortly afterwards, Mrs Jones begins to nod
off again, the priest seeing this says, "Who is the almighty?" Mrs Jones yells, "Jesus Christ!" Some time has
passed and Mrs Jones falls asleep again, however this time the priest does not notice this and right when the
priest finishes saying, "And what did Eve tell Adam after she bore him their 99th child?" Mr Jones stuck Mrs
Jones and she cried, "If you stick that Goddamn thing in me one more time, I'll break it off and shove it up your
ass!!"
Two Texans are standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman at the other end of the bar starts to choke on
a small piece of the barbecued chicken she had ordered. Joe Bob says to Billy Bob, "That gal looks like she's
chokin' to death. Think we should help her?" Billy Bob says, "Sure do!" and bellies up to the lady's side. "Can
you speak?" She shakes her head no. "Are you choking to death?" he asks. She nods her head yes. The lady is
turning blue. Billy Bob spins the lady around and slams her chest into the bar top. Bending her over, he rips off
her skirt. Then he rips off her panties. Then Billy Bob runs his tongue up the crack of her bare butt. With this
she gasps loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe. Billy Bob walks back to the end of the bar and
picks up his shot glass of whiskey and takes a long, slow drink. Joe Bob says, "That's great, Billy Bob." "Ain't
nothin,' kid," says Billy Bob. "That old 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre' works every time."
A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".
The dad said, "OK son, I will show you the difference. First go up to your mother and ask her if she would
sleep with Robert Redford for?1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for?1 million". The little boy slightly confused said, "OK!!" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother,
"Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for?1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your dad, but yes I
would." The little boy said "OK then" and went to find his sister. He said to his sister, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for?1 million?" His sister replied, "Yes I would!" The little boy went back to his dad and said "Dad, I
now understand the difference between potential and reality!" His dad replied, I am glad son, explain it to me!"
The little boy replied, "Well, potentially we're sitting on? 2 million, but in reality we live with two slags!!"
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's office. One of the dogs was hanging its head
and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?" "I'm in big trouble,"
he said. "My owner has a vintage Ferrari with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day,
he took me for a ride and I got so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he's having me put to sleep." "I know how
you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful oriental rug. The other day they were late getting
home from dinner and I just couldn't hold myself any longer; I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.
They're having me put to sleep, too." Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you in
here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other
day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!" The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep,
too, huh?" "No," said the third dog. "I'm having my nails clipped".
A Chinese dustman goes up to a front door and knocks. A gentleman appears in a pair of shorts with a tan. The
Chinese man says "Where your bin?" The gentleman says "Oh - the Seychelles" The Chinese man says "No where your wheelie bin?" The gentleman replies "Oh OK - on the sunbed!"
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them,
"I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people.
Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two
really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the
Earth." Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The
good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow. Bill Gates went
back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the
three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While
walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a
heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The
Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she
explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some
knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in
a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers
either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well
darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the
Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with
her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the
same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over
tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny. Keep me potent." The bloke
reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the
label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says,
"Gimmie 3 boxes." The next day the man walks into the same chemist, right up to the same bloke and pulls
down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's willy is black and blue, and the skin is
hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The bloke replies, "DEEP HEAT???"
You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show
up."
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The Wife came down with a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no
need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled
up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to
the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally she whispered
a little proposition in his ear and he agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behaviour. She was sitting up reading
when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never
have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some
other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you. the guy that I loaned my
costume to sure had one helluva time!"
One day, God speaks to Noah. 'Noah', he says, 'I want you to build another Ark.' 'What, like the last one?' asks
Noah. 'Yes' replies God, 'Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks.' 'And shall I lead all the animals into it,
two by two, like last time? says Noah. 'No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it'. Noah is a little puzzled.
'Just fish?' he asks. 'Yes' says God. 'In fact, just carp.' 'Just carp? Why carp?' Noah quizzes. 'Well,' says God,
'I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark'
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In
much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol we all know kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain faster and more efficient
machine. That is why you feel smarter after a few beers!
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says,
"When I've a finsheda makina da love witha my girlfriend, I go down anda gently tickle the backa of her knees,
she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy." The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave
finished making ze love with my girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her
feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy." The Aussie says, "That's
nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock
clean on the curtains. She hits the fuckking roof!!!"
This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm,
revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will
buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a
skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The
bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the
patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy
a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy
the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk
and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The
drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has
the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out
back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge
sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for
me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.
Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting
several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of
his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene
and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for
a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.
Gov: Who do you have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out.
Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world!
Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic
immunity is a very sacred thing you know.
Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. It’s the most important person in the world.
Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?
Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads "Sisters Of Mercy House Of
Prostitution - 10 Miles" He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign
which says "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - 5 Miles" Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on,
and sure enough, there is a third sign, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - Next Right" His curiosity gets
the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a sombre stone building
with a sign on the door that reads "Sisters Of Mercy" He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along
the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please
follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun
stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door," and she leaves. The man does as he is
told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please
place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the
money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As
the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace.
You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are
cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends
meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the
matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the
woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds
the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman
defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the
woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A
passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?"
asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer. "That was Thora Hird"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the
hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a Southern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix
the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanusi
written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it
look like I have Black & Decker written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to
the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his
wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is
fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied,
"Hellooooooo. Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so."
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a
college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished.
Amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man. The man
shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes several swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the
meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years’
experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.” "Well," the young man replied, "in your
advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I
would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second
daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the
second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a
man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
A Sunday League team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a
chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the
next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross. At half time all its team-mates are
very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way the ref starts chatting with
the chicken. "Great first half mate, you must be really fit". "Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself
fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work". "What do you
do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken. At which point the ref immediately
brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start
complaining. "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice, it was a professional fowl".
Tom was standing along the side of an English country road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet
back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men
walking single file. Tom was overcome with curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog
and said, "Sir, I know this is a most inopportune time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession
like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife." Tom said, "Oh, I'm
terribly sorry. What happened to her?" The man replied, "My pit bull attacked her and she died." Tom said, "Oh
my, that's most unfortunate." After a respectful pause, he inquired, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The
man answered, "My mother-in-law. She tried to help my wife when the dog turned and attacked her. She died
of her injuries, too." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men, then Tom
asked, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" The man responded, "Get in line."
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber
says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says
"Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12
gold coins. A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay
the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next
day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut,
goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from
you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on
display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and
a hundred dollar more for story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street
in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking
over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out
and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to
point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, windows, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep
up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the
water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a
lamppost, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as
he can heave it. WHOOOSH! Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamppost, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he
makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of story," says the owner. "No,"
says the tourist, "but I was wondering. do you have a sculpture of a Manchester United supporter?"
There's this plastic bag, and he feels a bit queasy, so he goes to his doctor. Once there he explains his symptoms
to the doctor, who proceeds to do all sorts of tests on the bag, and tells him to come back next week. So a week
later he goes into the doctor's room and says, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" "Well, Mr Bag, I'm afraid
you've got full blown AIDS." The plastic bag is distraught. "But. I don't inject drugs, I've never had sex. I'm a
plastic bag for God's sake, how can I have AIDS?" "Well, we think your mother was a carrier," replies the
doctor.
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition. I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
How did Bill reply regarding questions of 'coaching' Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her
mouth." President Clinton, what do you want to do about this abortion bill? "I guess.pay it!" What's the
difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. In a survey of American
women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again"
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to find the farmer, but the
farmer can't be found. So the chicken drives the farmer's BMW 328 back to the mud hole and ties some rope
around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives forward saving him from
sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls
into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So the horse stretches over the width of the mud hole and says, "Grab my thingy and pull
yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A bloke on his way home from the centre of London came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that
the traffic was a lot worse than normal, in fact they weren’t even moving. He notices a police officer walking
back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the
hold up?" The Officer replies, "Glen Hoddle became so depressed about losing his job, he's stopped his
Mercedes in the middle of the A40 and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He
says everyone hates him, he doesn't have the England job anymore and he doesn't have the income to support
himself. I'm walking round taking a collection for him." "Oh really?" says the businessman "How much have
you collected so far?" "So far only about 300 litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning"
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Best
known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his
friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. He had a joyous smile on his face and his pants were
soaked. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. An emergency autopsy
was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Duracell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in
backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.
TOP 25 PHRASES YOU'LL NEVER HEAR YOUR WIFE SAY
1. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey. Our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing topless again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. Look, our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go out with the guys instead.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, some of beer, a few joints, and have my friend
Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread legged on the bathroom
floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard that she's stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that
she can't move. She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't
budge. so he goes next door and gets his neighbour. Both pull, but she just won't move. She's well and truly
stuck to the floor. Suddenly the neighbour says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her
and lift her up that way?" "Great idea", says the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little to arouse her".
"Why?" asks the confused neighbour. "So I can slide her into the kitchen, the tiles are cheaper in there."
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his
younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. they
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his
little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato"
if she wants a new position. "Lettuce!! Tomato!! Lettuce!! Tomato!! Lettuce!! Tomato!!" She screams.
"Lettuce!! Tomato!! Whoa!! Pull It Out!! Pull It Out Now!! I can't get pregnant!" Then the little brother shouts
up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. Jack confessed that he had recently been
having trouble with women. He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding
women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for homosexuals. Terry
disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women. Jack: "OK, I'll give it try. What
should I say?" Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal,
then explain to them the way you want to make love to them." Jack: "Give me an example." Terry: "Curly
blond hair and eyes like a dove, I want to take you home and make sweet love." Jack: "OK, that sounds easy,
I'll give it a try." The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack's head is
swollen and covered with bruises. Terry: "What happened to you?" Jack: "I tried your fucking poetry, that's
what happened!" Terry: "What did you say?" Jack: "Took your advice, I said something about her hair, then
compared her eyes to an animal, then explained to her the way I wanted to make love to her." Terry: "And it
didn't work?" Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work. look at me. She beat the shit outta me." Terry: "Let's hear your
poem." Jack: "Frizzy haired bitch with eyes like a frog, I wanna bend you over and fuck you like a dog."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two
best friends, Dermot and Tony were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot
said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said
"Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony in to identify
the body. Tony took a look at him and said "Yep, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him
over and Tony said "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Tony said, "Well, Paddy had
two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician, a bit surprised "Yup, everyone know he had
two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes'"
Dilbert's Laws
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing
him again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the
office.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To error is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs
up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes. After a moment's thought
James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh.
James becomes a shark and swims off. Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of
him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again.
Whoosh. Now a prawn again, James swims away to look for his mate Christian. When he arrives at Christian's
house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian. "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll
just eat me". "No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".
TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the
seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job
security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity. Probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK. Means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
A NEW PARENTS DICTIONARY
Whether You are a new parent, a parent for many years or just a big kid, here are some previously
misunderstood definitions clarified.
AMNESIA: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not
raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Shaemus says to Pat
"Dats dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat
cage up dere" says Shaemus, "Put dem in a peerper bag". The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop. They
get into Shaemus's van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff
with a 500 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a good place, eh?" says Shaemus. "Oh yea, dis look good" replies Pat.
They flip a coin and Shaemus wins the toss. "Hail fockin Mary, I guess I get to go first, eh boy?" says Shaemus.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his
mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a "SPLAT". As Pat looks over
the cliff he shakes his head and says. "Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me!!"
3 Biggest Software Lies: The program's fully tested and bug free. We're working on the documentation. Of
course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files
-We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. People are our greatest resource. We
say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies: Immediate delivery?.No problem. We treat every customer as if they were our most
important. We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies: Some day this course will come in handy. These tests are more trouble
for me than they are for you. This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest Executive Lies: Money.it's just a score card. If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking
spaces. You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies: There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
You'll make lots of money in your proffessional career. The general public respect Physicists.
3 Biggest student teacher lies: The school will help and support you all they can. This teaching course is
interesting and stimulating. Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.
3 Biggest advertising lies: This product will taste as good as it looks. You really need our product. If you use
our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.
3 Biggest mail order lies: Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it. If you're not
satisfied with our product we will guarantee a full refund. We offer repair of your product free of charge with
an accredited repairer in your home State.
3 Biggest retail industry lies: Our staff are courteous and considerate. We try to help you with your problem.
You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you're not satisfied with.
3 Biggest politician lies: I'll be factual and to the point. I'll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
The government doesn't waste taxpayers money.
3 Biggest parent lies: We're doing this for your own interest. You can have that (do that) later (when you're
older). The family can't afford it now.
3 Biggest supermodels lies: Women normally look like that. Women should look like that. Fasting and dieting
is good for your health.
3 Biggest beer ads lies: Drinking beer is for macho men only. You'll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in
a bar. Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.
3 Biggest life lies:. And they lived happily ever after. Dying is painless. Things have gotten so bad that they
couldn't possibly get worse.
A man walks into an ice cream parlour and, bored with the taste of vanilla and strawberry, asks for a fish-andchip-flavour cone. The owner rubs his chin and says, "That's tricky. Give me ten minutes." Ten minutes later,
the guy comes back and asks for his ice cream. He licks it and says, "Mmmm, that tastes great, just like a bag of
chips. But what about the fish?" The owner looks pleased and replies, "Turn it around." The man does this,
licks it and, lo and behold, it tastes like fish. "Amazing," he says. "Now can I have one that tastes like faggots
and peas?" "That's tough," says the ice cream man. "Give me ten minutes." Ten minutes later, the man comes
back and picks up his ice cream. "Mmmm just like mushy peas," he says. "But what about the faggots?" "Just
turn it around," says the gelatine salesman. "Oh yeah," says the man. "It's just like faggots. Now give me one
that tastes like a woman's pussy." "That's difficult," says the owner. "Give me half an hour." So the man
wanders off, returning 30 minutes later for his ice cream. He licks it and goes: "Urghhhhhhhhh! Horrible! That
tastes like shit!" But the owner simply winks at him and says, "Turn it around, turn it around."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling
him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your
records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him
up to dry."
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response.click. A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los
Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To
my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and
that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a
big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to
know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to
explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
"How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and asked,
"Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea,
whatever." A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express." A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New
York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,
what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The
customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big
animal!"
My dick's gone orange."
The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy's
dick is orange
The Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a
person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at
work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the
cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime
every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I
can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So
the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got
divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the
doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The
guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Wotsits."
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs
one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs
and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If
you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his
wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If
you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."
REVENGE GETTING IDEAS
LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc.). Place the victim's name, phone number
and a $50.00 reward. if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the "less desirable" areas of town.
GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC
Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorders, vintage automobiles,
antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly
hide it in the victim's carry-on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine, the contents of the device
will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped/inspected by airport security officials. This one will make
your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the inspection. I like this prank for both male and female
victims.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually-oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a
phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many
eye popping inquiries.
DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am), go near the victim's house
and blow the silent whistle. The dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines
the animal. When the owner goes back to bed, repeat the process again.
TAG ALONG ROAD KILL: Find a dead dog or cat alongside a road. Take a 12 foot long rope, tie one end
around the animal and the other end around the back axle of the victims automobile. Balance the dog or cat on
the back axle of the automobile. As the victim drives, the animal will drop off the axle and will be dragged
about 8 foot behind the automobile horrifying fellow motorists (and especially animal rights activists). This one
kills me!
ANIMAL POOP: With plastic gloves on find some animal poop and place it under the door handles of the
victim's automobile. The end result is a sticky situation.
NOISY APARTMENT NEIGHBOURS: Place a clock radio or portable stereo in a large cardboard box. Place
open end of box next to the wall adjoining the victim's apartment. Tune the radio to whatever obnoxious station
you choose. Turn-on when you are away and turn-off when you return home.
BOWEL CONTROL PROBLEMS: Place a Baby Ruth candy bar next to victim while they are in bed asleep.
Body heat will melt the chocolate to the point that when the victim awakes, they will think they had an
embarrassing accident. This is a great, brother-sister or college dorm prank.
FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end
to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted,
tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle
until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed
on the fax and also disable caller ID. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has
somehow cheated you.
The following are laws from around the world which, though a bit unusual, aren't really that surprising.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at
them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of
the deceased must be covered at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes
close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and the first time this happens her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for
two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple
and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all
pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple
and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not
too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but yes we made it." Then the
pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well were you able to abstain from having sex for the two
weeks?" "No pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand
that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "I figured that" said the young man,
"We're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the
Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little
while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had
enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my
wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full
and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend
more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could
buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control
the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." But
what then, senor? The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would
announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.
Millions, senor? Then what? The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the
village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The
man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky
in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." So they
start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and
have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into
something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip,
handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with
tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is
walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around
and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've
suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War.Could you help me?" "Of course, my
son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The 2nd guy who
wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his
poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water,
the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his
hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning"
a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent
cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these
deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the
patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When
she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient
was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her
polisher. We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health
and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of
this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
A man is on a fishing holiday, just him and his rod and a bit of peace and quiet. He's been sitting in the same
spot every day for a week, and every day he's seen another man on the other side of the lake, quietly fishing on
his own. After a week he wanders round to the man to engage in a bit of angling banter: "On a fishing holiday
are you?" our man enquires. "Nah, I'm on my honeymoon", says the second man. "Honeymoon?", says the first,
".shouldn't you be with your wife making love to her like a frenzied weasel?" "Can't do that mate," says the
newlywed, ".she's got crabs, warts, herpes and ripping vaginal lesions" "That's unfortunate," replies the
fisherman," but can't you go brown and give it to her up the Queen Mum?" "No chance," says the hapless
bridegroom, ".she's got anal cancroids, bleeding haemorrhoids and a rather nasty case of bacterial dysentery".
"Not ideal," comments our man, ".but surely she can give you a blow job?" "I'd rather not", says the newlywed,
"she's got foot and mouth, cold sores, trench gum and both her teeth are green and rotten". "She sounds
disgusting," comments the fisherman, ”Why did you marry her?" "For the maggots"
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after
work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They
eat, then go back to his house and she stays over. Her story: Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar,
I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the
conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk
more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to
wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway,
in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the
hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering
if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go
to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so
afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's
met someone else??? His story: Shit day at work. Great shag later.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the
American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says,
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel"
hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods
in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russia lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his
hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending. Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd,
and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat
with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The
trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of
that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I
thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
A young couple were expecting a baby. When the wife gave birth, the father rushed to the hospital, where the
nurse handed over a black baby with a very puzzled look on her face. "That's ok," said the new father. "My wife
burns everything!"
Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his butt. So they
pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they
should walk him home. So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick
him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground. They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk
again, but nope, he falls flat on his face. They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up
the stairs, but he falls again. Finally, they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door. The guy's wife
answers and says, "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back! But where's his wheelchair?"
Subject: Hell!
Actual question given on a University of Washington, chemistry mid term:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats
up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that
I still have not succeeded in that area, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only
A.
You know you worked in the '90s if.
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different organisations.
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your lay off on the News.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets
combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple diet.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for the £100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks."
Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
You read this entire list and understood it.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make
an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was
doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I
indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the
podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he
finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing
my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the
podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech
by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating
furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating
antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure."
A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college. The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse and as
she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red mark between her breasts in the shape of a letter "O". The
doctor is a little concerned and after the examination, he asks the girl how she got the mark. "Well", she says,
"my boyfriend goes to Oxford university and he is so proud to be there, that he always wears his Oxford
sweater when we make love." 'Fair enough', thinks the doctor, but he is surprised that when the next girl takes
off her blouse she too has a red mark between her breasts - this time in the shape of a letter "C". Again, a little
concerned he asks the girl how she got the mark. "Well", she says, "my boyfriend is studying at Cambridge and
he is so proud to be at that university, that he insists on wearing his Cambridge sweater when we have sex." The
doctor is astonished by what young girls get up to these days. The girl leaves and the next enters the room. She
removes her blouse and she too has a red mark on her body, this time on her stomach and in the shape of a letter
"M". "Ah," says the doctor, "A boyfriend at Manchester?" "No", she replies, "A girlfriend at Warwick!"
A German chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it's $20. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She
agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four
big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he
asks. The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to
start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on
this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the
springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she
experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most
fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replies,
"Foursprung Duck Technique".
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. Recently, a group of computer scientists
(all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this
conclusion are as follows: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language
they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad
command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly
not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As
soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they
were male. Their reasonsare as follows: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to
help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize
that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention,
you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
3 gays are sitting at the bar talking about their ex-lovers, who had all just died of aids. 1st one says "My lover
was really into surfing, so when he died I had him cremated and sprinkled on the waves. That way every time I
see the waves I think of him." So the 2nd one says "Well, my lover was really into horseracing, so when he died
I had him cremated and his ashes sprinkled onto Aintree race track. That way every time I see a horse, I think of
him." The 3rd one is sitting there and says "When my lover died, I had him chopped up into pieces and made
into a red hot vindaloo curry and then I ate it!" At this the other two queers are nearly throwing up and ask him
why he did it and he says "I just wanted to feel him dribble out of my arse one more time"
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of
normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant,
that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need
twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The
monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the
monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man
pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could. This explains why man has twenty years of
normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass
of himself.
Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides
that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart. Kevin fills out the standard application and is
called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee- skinny, glasses, pocket protector
and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, "Kevin, do you think
you have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?" Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "what an asshole!" But since it
was an interview he responded, "Absolutely." The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a
salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?" Again,
Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this fucking guy serious?" but he says again, "Absolutely." "Well let me show you
how it's done,"says the manager. The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy
to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of
grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer. The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you
might need a new lawnmower for that grass you're putting down?" Kevin sees the lightbulb go off over the
customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him
pick out a really nice model. "Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?" "Hell, yeah!" says
Kevin, "Just watch." Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of
tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box
of tampons ya got there," says Kevin. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of
silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?" The
customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the fuck would I want a lawnmower for?" Kevin winks
at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow
your lawn!" What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common? At the 1997 World Women's Conference the
first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and
that he would to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after
the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from
America stood up:"After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his
laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The
crowd cheered. The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told
my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I
saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left
eye."
A tourist is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops,
the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a
corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the
world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man
answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner of this place?" "I am he," answers the
old man. "You? How on earth did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replies, "Many years
ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center, man in front of me was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, Hans Olaffsen." She look at me. "What
your name?" I say, "Sem Ting."
So endemic is African corruption, and so much more destructive than its Asian counterpart, that the comparison
has even spawned a common joke that goes like this: An Asian and an African become friends while attending
graduate school in the West. Years later, each rises to become finance minister of his country. One day, the
African ventures to Asia to visit his friend and is startled by the Asian's palatial home, the three MercedesBenzes in the circular drive, the swimming pool, the servants. "My God!" the African exclaims. "We were just
poor students before. How on earth can you afford all this now?" The Asian takes his friend to the window and
points to a new elevated highway in the distance. "You see that road?" he says,and then proudly taps himself on
the chest. "Ten percent." A few years later, the Asian returns the visit of his old friend. He finds the African
living on a massive estate. There's a fleet of dozens of Mercedes-Benzes, an indoor pool, an army of uniformed
servants. "My God!" says the Asian. "How do you afford this?" This time the African leads his friend to the
window and points. "You see that highway?" he asks. The Asian looks and sees nothing, just an open field with
a few cows. "I don't see any highway," he says. The African taps himself on the chest. "One hundred percent!"
Copy of the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply
to an income tax demand. Dear Sirs, Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have
given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You
say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.
Well, here is the reason. In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a
manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989
the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody
premium had lapsed. one of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor
bugger to death. In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep
named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of
my relatives. In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his
life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons,
neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sister’s make-up and dresses. Not long after he
emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children. In 1992 my
wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a
housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for
more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial
moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed
and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I
found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knacker who was in
the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the
fucker's funeral expenses. The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and
set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch
and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart
again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon
flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving
son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep. It
surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've
missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a
hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will
fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand. Yours for more credit, John Murphy
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however,
he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a
former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
“I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
'In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,' Eric
Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszweski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session
had gone seriously wrong. 'I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,' he
explained. 'As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.'
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. 'The match ignited a pocket
of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.' Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from
the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract. Anonymous response to dangerous rodent: O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in
reading this story: 1. 'I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum.' Ouch! 2. 'So I peered into the tube.' Aaaahhhh.
I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun. 3.
That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of some guy's ass like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle. 4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey
into Kiki's 'tunnel of love.' 5. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. 6.
People who do this sort of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.
Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but
I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying 'well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot
and we took this cardboard tube.' 7. 'First and second degree burns to the anus'. Wouldn't this make the burning
itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something
like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents of the face of God's green
earth. 8. People named 'Kiki' which is obviously a Polynesian word for 'Idiotic white men who insert rodents up
their butts.' 9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? 10. This happened in Salt Lake
City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much
hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and
dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this
money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said,
"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a
witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at
the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked
if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet
him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's President's balls in my hand."
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain
said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything
and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said
"Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should
be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you.Without me, we'd starve.
So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in
charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in
charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the
hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't
take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don't have to be the
most important to be in charge, just an asshole.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in
his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready
to go out the door, their young daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted it was nothing, and the daughter brought him
into the kitchen to get something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
wonderful!! Isn't he smart??!! What do you think he's going to be when he grows older??". The father replied.
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the
driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the
driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me. could I see your drivers
license.?"
"What's a license.???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's
usually in your wallet." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration." asked the cop.
"Registration. what's that.?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop
impatiently
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back
to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a
few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm. is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the
officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh. yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you
do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, anddrop your pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its. inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. just do it." said the dispatcher. So
the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher
said. The blonde looks down and sighs. "Ohh no. not ANOTHER breathalyzer."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with
you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would
be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash clothes, she will always agree with every decision
you make, she will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them,
she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement, she
will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked,
"What would a woman like this cost me?" God said, "an arm and a leg". Adam said, " What can I get for just a
rib?" And the rest is history.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with
you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would
be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash clothes, she will always agree with every decision
you make, she will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them,
she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement, she
will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked,
"What would a woman like this cost me?" God said, "an arm and a leg". Adam said, " What can I get for just a
rib?" And the rest is history.
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was
approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that
woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for
indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging
out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the
bus!"
This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him
and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional
information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my
accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be
sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section
of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley
attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower
and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools." "You will note in block number 11 of the accident
reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of
speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains
my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained
my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel." "Devoid of the weight of the
tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As
you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and,
fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in
pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go
of the rope."
"Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life"
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Re-modeller; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."Being single isn't that bad when you consider the
ways in which you can become single, like this poor couple. Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an
award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing. A pre-med
student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to
put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson.
They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she
succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making
love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers
even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great
trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding
light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and
sought the path of least resistance --- straight down! Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The
heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of
dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the
vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from
her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open
mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out. Attracted by the
smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo
wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but
lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl,
loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back
of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun
weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of
minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in
the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to
"successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in
its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable---and unwilling--to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family
jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable. Although most Darwin Awards are
supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed
himself from the gene pool.
Other Nominees
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by
fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.as he won a bet with friends who said he
would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst
through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging
on a cross yhat marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his.22-caliber rifle, but the
bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a
broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also
injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
notice that the window was closed.
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts
everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you
ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is
broken!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they
meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Here are the official World Cup Colemanballs:
"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind him and give him one really hard" - Big Ron
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." - Bobby Robson
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan
More Kevin Keegan specials:
"Only one team can win this game.and that team is England", followed by Brian Moore "But wait a minute,
here's Dan Petrescu."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off"
Some Big Rons:
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a
frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was calling from her neighbour’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the
bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look,
you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she
have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later,
during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I
have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing
me." "He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."
Three guys went out one Saturday evening to the Paul McKenna show. As chance would have it, their seats
were right in the front row. All throughout his act, these three guys heckled Paul until finally, his patience gave
way. Paul called them all up on stage and said "Have you got a problem? Why are you heckling me?" The three
guys replied ".well, it's crap. it's all rigged, you can't hypnotise people." With this, Paul clicked his fingers three
times and said "Sleep. Sleep. Sleep". Immediately, the three guys fell asleep on the spot. Paul continued.
"Between now and lunch-time tomorrow, you will all do whatever your wives/ girlfriends / partners tell you to
do." He clicked his fingers again and the three guys woke up completely unaware of what had just happened.
The show finished and the three guys went on their separate ways. Now, it just so happened, that these three
"mates" always met up on Sunday lunch-time down the local pub for a couple of pints. The day after the
McKenna show was no exception. The first guy staggered into the pub covered in dust and gravel. His clothes
were in tatters and he had some severe cuts and bruises. The publican asked "What happened to you, Dave?"
Dave replied : "I don't understand it. I got up this morning and started to do the left-over washing up from last
night. I used slightly too much washing up liquid and a plate slipped out of my hands and broke on the kitchen
floor. My girlfriend pipe’d up ".Oh, that's right. tear the whole house down why don't you!!!!!". A few minutes
later, the second guy walked into the pub. His hair had been burned off, his face had half melted and the rest of
his body was severely charred. The publican quipped "What happened to you, Mike?" Mike replied "I don't
understand it. I got up this morning and lit a cigarette. I left it on the side of the ash-tray and it fell off and
burned a small hole in the carpet. My girlfriend piped up ".Oh, that's right. burn the whole house down why
don't you!!!!!". Ten minutes later, the third guy walked in. He was covered in blood, had a big chunk of flesh in
his left hand and was wielding a large kitchen knife in his right. The publican asked "What happened to you,
Pete?" Pete replied. "I don't understand it. I woke up this morning and, as usual, was feeling a bit randy. I put
my hand between my girlfriends legs and she said ".and you can cut that out!".
Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The
fear that if you get attached to a woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than
You. This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving
hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas, in fact, for most unmarried guys, the climax of the
typical evening is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spray-Can while eating onion dip straight from the
container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)
So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to
commitment. This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he
often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life. Women are puzzled by this, "I don't
understand," they say, "We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?" The reason is quite simple, really.
Using the linear guy thought process, that guy has realised that if he takes her out again he'll probably like her
even more. So, he'll take her out again and eventually they'll fall in love with each other. Then, they'll get
married and have children; and then they'll have grandchildren. Eventually they'll retire and take a trip around
the world. They'll be walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about a
lifetime of experiences they've shared together. Then several naked international fashion models will walk up
and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to go because he's married. So it's really quite
understandable that guys remain single. It's out of love and respect for women. And for the behalf of married
guys everywhere that us single guys make these grand sacrifices. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the
Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and
everyone and his dog hates him, Posh Spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United have put him on the
transfer market for 10 quid because he's playing shite. As he's about to jump off he feels a tap on the shoulder.
"I'm Father Christmas, are you OK David?" David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump! "STOP!"
shouts Father Christmas "I'll grant you three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour". "That
would be top!" says Beckham "cheers Father Christmas thank you, thank you." Father Christmas says "Right
then what are your 3 three wishes?": OK he says, 1 In the Argentina match I don't kick the argy but shoot from
the free kick and score. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and I am a National hero. 2 I marry posh spice
and live in happiness. 3 I am voted best footballer in the world by FIFA and my wages go up to a million a
week. "Right you are" says Santa. "Oh thank you, thank you!!!" says Beckham "what do I have to do?" Father
Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over. After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks
Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham. "You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat
Man City fan.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. I did, however, ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a
job.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in
order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know
any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed, I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross road without having their
motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed
the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:The chicken committed an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in
dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you
believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road
justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
Bill Gates:I have just released Chicken Coop '98, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your check book - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating
system.
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that wonderful quiz show Family
Fortunes: Name something a blind person might use - A sword. Name a song with moon in the title - Blue
suede moon. Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell. Name an occupation where you need a torch - A
burglar. Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde. Name a dangerous race - The Arabs. Name an item
of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse. Name something that floats in the bath - Water. Name
something you wear on the beach - A deckchair. Name something Red - My cardigan. Name a famous cowboy
- Buck Rogers. A number you have to memorize - 7. Something you do before going to bed - Sleep. Something
you put on walls - Roofs. Something in the garden that's green - Shed. Something that flies that doesn't have an
engine - A bicycle with wings. Something you might be allergic to - Skiing. Name a famous bridge - The bridge
over troubled waters. Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet. Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate.
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog. Something associated with the police - Pigs. A sign of the
zodiac - April. Something slippery - A conman. A potato topping - Jam. A famous Scotsman - Jock. Another
famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones. Something with a hole in it - Window. A non living object with legs - Plant.
A domestic animal - Leopard. A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee. A way of cooking fish - Cod.
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't
know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." Marriage is the triumph of
imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this
place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make
love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say
anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. According to the latest
surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are beautiful.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother
replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the
biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes. 'you're fucking crackers.'
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you
earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought'
This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said
'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where
you're calling from.'"
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to
walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake
if you can't eat it? What!, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre
and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you
fucking pulled me over.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh,look at the dead bird." The Blonde
looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in Grade 7. Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because she's 18.
A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I'm sick" The voice at the other end asks "How
sick are you ??" The guy says "Well I'm in bed with my 12 year old son !!"
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's
'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!
A Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale - clitoris licking frog'. She goes in and the
shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.
And here is a news flash: Louise Woodward starts her new job today as manager of the Spice Girls. Baby Spice
has already been dropped.
Bumper Sticker: Jesus loves you. everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
But God, the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian? She kept having affairs with men!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Guy walks into a restaurant and checks out the specials menu. The 2 specials on offer are Venison and Budgie.
Confused, the guy asks the waiter the difference between the two. The waiter replies. "Well Sir, one is deer and
the other is cheep"
How are a bowling ball and an Essex girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw
them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
How are men and parking spaces alike? The best one’s are taken and the free ones are disabled or extremely
small.
How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There's Tipex all over the monitor.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.
How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper? The tongue's still in the envelope.
How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator? By the lipstick on your cucumbers
How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her
pencil.
How can you tell if you wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
How can you tell who is an Essex girl's boyfriend? He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the
impression in her forehead!
How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
How do Essex girls pierce their ears? They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
How do you annoy your boyfriend during sex? Phone him.
How do you change an Essex girl's mind? Blow in her ear.
How do you confuse an Essex girl? You don't. They're born that way.
How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered.
How do you drown an Essex girl? Don't tell her to swallow.
How do you embarass an archeologist? Give hime a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes
How do you know God is a man? Because if God were a woman sperm would taste like chocolate.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist?? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.
How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit? The best ones squirt when you eat them.
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie? Five. One to stir the mixture and four to
peel the smarties.
How many Essex girls does it take to make an electrical circuit? Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another
to pass her the blow dryer!
How many honest, intelligent and caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbours need a cigarette.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time,which one would hit the ground first?
The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
If you women knew what men were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too
long.
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
Louise Woodward has just got a job as a prostitute - apparently she gives cracking head.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
McDonalds have just announced the Louise Woodward meal. All under-5s get a free shake.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a
really good vet.
Penises come in 4 sizes, Small, Medium, Large & ohhh does that come in WHITE
Priests should really be allowed to marry. Until then, they'll never know what HELL is really like.
Someone has stolen a batch of Viagra from a local pharmacy, police believe they are looking for a bunch of
hardened criminals.
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis.
He won't be shagging one of those again!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. They say it's only for the Christmas
period.
The England Board of Selectors have just announced their choice for Mike Atherton's replacement. They have
chosen Paula Yates due to the fact that she is the only person who has been to Australia, fucked the Aussies
AND brought back the Ashes
The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you done?"
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said
"Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!"
Two fish in a tank. One swims to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this?'
What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and an ass to pay for it all.
What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it? A thought.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company
Microsoft!"
What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? We really do taste like chicken!
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
What did the elephant say to the man? It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it.
What did the Essex girl do when she got her first period? Looked around for the bastard that must have shot
her?
What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear? Thanks for the refill.
What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around by
the tits."
What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
What do all men at singles bars have in common? They’re all married.
What do an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common? They both get fucked by eight men while on
holiday.
What do Essex girls and computers have in common? You don't know what you are missing until they go down
on you.
What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common? They both wriggle when you eat them.
What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in a million chance of becoming an human
being.
What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
What do women and toilets have in common? They are either vacant, engaged or full of shit.
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls? An interpreter.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual
What do you call an Essex girl between two Surrey girls? A mental block.
What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet? Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head? All you can eat, under a quid.
What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150? Basildon
What do you call an intelligent man in Britain? A Tourist.
What do you call two skunks having a 69? Odor Eaters.
What do you get when you cross two Black people? Your ass kicked!
What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in? "Have another beer."
What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs? "Nice tits!"
What does a peroxide Essex girl and a 747 have in common? oth have a black box and both have a cockpit.
What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.
What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for!
What does an Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant. Is it mine?
What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and Essex girls have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say? NEXT!
What have David Beckham and a Diamond ring in common? They both come in a posh box.
What have David Bowie and David Beckham got in common? They are both Fucking bad singers.
What have George Michael and Barry Sheene got in common? They’ve both got skid marks on their helmets.
What is gross stupidity? 100 men in one room.
What is it called when an Essex girl blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl? A supermarket trolley has a mind of its
own.
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747? Not everyone has been in a 747
What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!!!!
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl? There have actually been sightings of
Bigfoot.
What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl? Butter is difficult to spread.
What is the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM? One is a theme park dominated by dinosaurs, the other
is a Stephen Spielberg film.
What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for
children to play with.the other is
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with the
breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl? Bucket seats.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
What*,s the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche? You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening? A candlelit football stadium.
What’s a mans idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging.
What’s the best way to get a man to do something? Suggest he’s too old for it.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? A man can find a golf ball.
What’s the difference between a man and ET? ET phoned home.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until
around 13 or 14 years of age.
What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Occasionally you have trouble getting the
legs apart on an ironing board.
What’s the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl? Gorby knows the names of the eight people that
fucked him!
What’s the difference between men and Investment Bonds? Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between Robert Maxwell and an Essex girl? An Essex girl won't slip off your boat
What’s the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters They both have saws in their box
Whats a woman and a shrimp got in common?? The pink bit in the middle is nice, but the head is full of shit!!
What's brown and often found in children's underpants? Michael Jackson's hand.
What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman? You know she'll swallow.
What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch
sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl? One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the
other is a walrus.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling
ball.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a broom closet? Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodldoooo", while an Essex girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine? You can dump your load in a washing
machine without it following you around whining for a week.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal? One's a busy ditch.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic? You know how many men went down on the
titanic.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Whats the difference between Mayonnaise and semen? Mayonnaise doesnt hit the back of a girls throat at thirty
miles an hour.
What's the difference between meat and fish If you beat your fish it dies
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody
wishes they were Irish.
What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a
time."; Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."
What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning? Goes home.
What's the mating call of a Surrey girl? Are all the Essex girls gone?
What's the mating call of an Essex girl? Gosh, I'm so drunk!
What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls? Both go down in Tenerife.
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.
When’s the best time to change a man? When he is still in nappies.
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
Where’s the best place to find a man who’s committed? In a mental institution.
Who is the most popular bloke at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after an Essex girl drives a car? Cause she blows the horn
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet? So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why aren't blondes good cattle herder's? Because they can't keep their calves together.
Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts? When they do the splits they stick to the floor.
Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did God create Essex girls? Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Why did god give men penises? So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam? When the sergeant said "Get down!", they got up and started dancing.
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why did the Essex girl cross the road? Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home? It took her that long to figure
out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
Why did the Essex girl smile when she walked the marriage aisle? She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill? It kept falling out.
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his penis stuck in the chicken.
Why do black widow spiders kill males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why do doctors slap babies’ bottoms after they’re born? To knock the penises off the clever ones.
Why do Essex girls drive VW's Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Why do Essex girls have legs? To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Why do Essex girls have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex!
Why do Essex girls have see-through lunch box lids? So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Why do Essex girls have trouble achieving orgasm? Who cares?
Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels? More head room.
Why do Essex girls tattoo their postcode under their belly button? So they can get the male into the right box.
Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where you wash vegetables!
Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick? Red means stop.
Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings? So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.
Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick? Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Why do Essex girls work seven days a week? So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.
Why do Italians wear mustaches? So they can look like their mother.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? Because women don't get blow jobs while they're
driving.
Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do men want to marry virgins? Because they can’t stand criticism.
Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Why does an elephant have four feet? Because six inches isn't long enough.
Why does an Essex girl drool? Because she is full.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise an egg? They won’t stop to ask directions.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in
America.
Why don’t men show their feelings? Because they don’t have any.
Why don't Essex girls breast feed their babies? Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.
Why don't Essex girls have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.
Why don't Essex girls like pickles? They can't get their head in the jar.
Why don't Essex girls use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
Why don't pygmies wear tampons? They keep stepping on the strings.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Why is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get and
how long he’ll stay.
Why is a woman different from a PC? A PC will accept a 3in floppy.
Why is an Essex girl like a dog's turd? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger? You can park in the handicapped spots.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning? Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese
sandwich?
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it gets interesting they’re finished until the next time.
Why should you never let a man’s mind wander? It’s too small to be let out.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Why was the Essex girl depressed when she received her driver's license? Because she got her F in sex.