Red Alert! How to Stop Your Man from Cheating
Red Alert! How to Stop Your Man from Cheating
Red Alert! How to Stop Your Man from Cheating (Or Even Thinking About It!) Introduction “If you cannot work on the marriage or the woman is a moron, staying married and cheating makes the most sense because divorce is disruptive to the family life and your bank account.” -Al Goldstein (THE MAN) “It might sound ordinary for a woman to find out her husband's cheating on her, but not if you're the woman and it's your husband.” -Melissa Bank (THE WOMAN) And from these two quotes, one sexist and what you might expect to hear from the man behind “Screw” Magazine, and the other a rather safe quote by a woman on the emotional side of infidelity. And both quotes are simplistic and yet convey a great deal of truth. Truth that we don’t always want to hear, but truth nonetheless. And that is that (A) men cheat because they’re unhappy, and (B) you never think it can happen to you…until it does. It’s so easy to think, “Oh my man is a good man. He would never do that to me.” Until it happens and the world you thought you knew is turned upside down. That’s when the man-hating sets in. You know, the defeatist attitude that says “All men are pigs! Men are all the same!” Before long, your happy relationships spirals into a lonely life full of cats and brandy. It’s not pretty and frankly, you deserve better. Yes, you can say that men are selfish and resent them for it, that they would rather stay married (avoiding divorce, and the loss of their assets, and their kids, and their and emotional companionship) and just fool around to fulfill their sexual needs. But the truth is, all of this behavior is motivated by weakness. And I believe—except in the cases of chronic cheaters—that many cases of infidelity are preventable. Well, this is not a book about healing. This is a book about preventing the damage from ever starting. This is a book about male psychology made simple, so simple in fact, that anyone can read it, figure out how to apply these principles in their own life, and save their relationship. It’s not going to be difficult, nor is it going to be degrading in anyway. It’s not going to be like conversing with Sigmund Freud, nor is it going to feel like an hour in therapy. Rather, we’re going to take a fun and conversational tone, the same way you might discuss this matter with a friend. It’s important to remember in relationships that you’re dealing with a man, who has specific thinking patterns, weaknesses and attitudes that are ingrained—and totally separate from what women think and feel. The big secret to keeping a man faithful is to understand where temptation comes from and how to avoid it through rational, confident ways that let you keep your power, communicate your position, and eliminate weakness. In other words, don’t try to stop infidelity by weakness, by begging, by calling up all your relatives, your church pastor and your therapist. No, you’re going to win this battle and keep your man because you’re going to take the strong, confident approach. Do it in strength and win. Let’s get started by talking about what cheating is and why it happens. Chapter 1 Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating—By Another Name, It Sucks Infidelity is rather complicated to describe from a historical sense, given the many cultural understandings of fidelity, adultery, and faithfulness or trust between two mates. In contemporary society, we find that 22 percent of the world’s population have had extramarital sex, and some post 2000 studies found the percentage to be higher, in some cases, as high as 30 percent of the population depending on region. Much of what we know about the modern aspects of infidelity we get from Alfred Kinsey’s research, which discovered that 50 percent of men and 26 percent of women had at least one affair during their lifetime. This is a surprising finding, given that it is much higher than the standard average reported today. Leading us to the popular supposition that many of the men and women who cheat, don’t admit to cheating. That makes sense. That’s why they always sign those letters to sex magazines anonymously. A Brief History of Cheating Thousands of years ago, morality was simply a matter of patriarch politics. Powerful men dominated women and were legally able to have dozens or even hundreds of wives and concubines for child-rearing purposes. Having male heirs was the “honor” of a woman, and the glory of a man. To be unfaithful back in these ancient times was almost nonsensical or least blasphemous. If a man was lovesick he married, and then married and then married again. Meanwhile, women were reduced to such inferior roles in society, (unless of course you were a queen) that it didn’t really matter if you were lovesick. Adultery meant beheading. Ancient laws were tailor made to protect the cheating husband, or chastise him, but to punish the woman with death. Even in more modern ancient societies, like Greco-Roman times or in Christian territories, the law was always specific in saying that sex with a married woman was wrong. It was still not considered a gross act to have sex with a slave or an unmarried woman. And these laws and social attitudes evolved to the point of obscene caricature, with characters like Henry VIII, who bored of his wives and put them to death, to sheiks and sultans who amassed quite a collection of wives. The point is, one could certainly argue that cheating is in a man’s blood. The point is, all of this leeway for cheating was created in a patriarchal society, one that generally treated women with contempt. So it’s understandable why the idea of cheating is offensive to women, because of the historical implications, that a man has a “right” to break the contract, not to mention the betrayal of trust. So fast-forward a thousand years to post equal rights and post-feminism, and post1960s free love generation, when women “discovered” that sex could be pleasurable beyond the duties of a housewife. Now women and men were free to enjoy sex, the experiment, and to move beyond the social constrictions that held them back for so many years. That’s about where we are now. It might surprise you to know that, in fact, adultery is still illegal in nearly half of the 50 states in the U.S., each state with its own unique laws and punishments. Of course, the act itself has largely been decriminalized, at least to the extent that everyone looks the other way. By the books however, you can still theoretically do a life prison sentence (felony) for a night of passion. So it’s hard to argue the fact that religious values are still largely pervasive in law today. It’s also impossible to escape the fact that all of this social conditioning takes its toll on the human psyche—both male and female. The question is, why is the temptation to cheat still there and why is it so alluring? Especially considering, when the very idea of cheating should offend every “decent” person? The simple answer…well, the simple answer is that the answer is very complex and motivationally based, according to the sensibilities of each individual. For this book, we are focusing on the male psyche. The one that supposedly fights against constant promiscuity, because of his instilled genes and biology, which suggests he must spread his seed to multiple child-bearers in order to preserve the human species. This is somewhat speculative, especially considering the statistical rise in both men and women who don’t want children, but let’s assume it’s true for the sake of argument. Men are naturally horny and supposedly more sex-obsessed than women. Why can’t a man just channel his sexual feelings towards the woman he is in love with, his marriage partner or her live-in partner? Good question and it’s going to take two sections to dissect a man’s brain and determine why he does the things he does—both the jackass type of man that everyone hates, and the weak but earnest man that some women want to forgive. Why Do Jackasses and Liars Cheat? We must accept that there are some men out there who are simply incapable of being faithful. You could live a hundred years with them, take them to therapy, have sex with them all day long, but in the end he’s still going to cheat. Unfortunately, this is the type of guy that some women insist upon taking home to meet her parents, and “changing him” to be a good person. Perhaps what’s most fascinating about this relationship dynamic is the behavior of the woman attracted to the cheater. Why does she insist on believing in potential, when obviously, her perception of what this man should be is not a physical reality. She will take hurt after hurt, all because she wants to believe in a man’s ability to change. What she underestimates though, is his WILLINGNESS to change. Everyone has ability to change, few people have the willingness to actually do it. Sadly, some men—great guys, very sociable, very enjoyable to be around, are not willing to change. Whether it’s due to: Mother issues A hatred of women Because it’s genetic, or because his parents cheated A love and desire for multiple partners that a monogamous relationship cannot satisfy Regardless of the reason, this much is for certain: he is not going to change. And while I use the terms “jackass” and “liar” colloquially, (since that’s how we see cheaters when we’re feeling emotionally hurt by their actions), in reality, they are simply hard-wired differently than monogamous couples are. They can pretend that they want to be faithful all they want, but at the end of the day, they’re going to cheat. And their life will never be settled, never be in an intimate, trusting relationship with just one other person. Maybe they are different animals than we are, maybe they’re reincarnates of King Solomon who had 1,000 wives, who knows? But that’s not your concern. This is all you need to retain for this section: some men will never change and getting involved with them is the first mistake. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing the wrong clothes, making relationship mistakes, if it’s raining or snowing too much in a season…nothing that can happen is going to keep these types of men faithful. Nothing. They cheat because they want to. They may hate themselves for it, afterward but they’re going to do it, anyway. You can’t stop it. Unless you’re okay with an open marriage, I advise you not to wait on them. Don’t get sucked into their maddening life of abuse and apology. If it hurts you now, and if you see constant evidence of their habitual cheating and it hurts you, then you have to end the relationship. Concentrate on finding the next type of man and working hard to keep him faithful. Why Do Good Men Sometimes Cheat? This is the more complicated issue. Even among strong and faithful men, men who desire monogamous relationships, the temptation and the ability to cheat will always be there. We’re going to discuss this over the next few chapters, but as a means of an introduction, let’s establish why even a perfect guy—your Mister Right—has the capacity to cheat on you. Good Men Cheat Because: They are not getting the sex they want, and sex is a need They are not getting the emotional intimacy and trust they need Boredom or relationship problems Because they perceive you’re cheating on them Because they want to get divorced in mind, but not in physical reality They don’t feel needed or respected They don’t love or respect you Of course, the exact reason for a man’s infidelity can be highly complex, perhaps as complex as understanding his own unique upbringing or mindset. Many men cheat with women who fulfill them emotionally as well as sexually, especially if they were married too young. They might be searching for something they lost in their youth, they might want to gain sexual experience, or have sex with more women in order to boost their self esteem. It’s all pretty tragic stuff… But that doesn’t mean that it’s natural. No, cheating is unnatural and damaging to an otherwise healthy relationship. Worse yet, most cheating can be prevented if both the man and woman take responsibility for themselves. I know this next section might seem politically incorrect, but just “read me out” a bit. There are some women and male apologists out there who will insist upon seeing all forms of extramarital attraction as cheating, as sexual dysfunction, and as misogyny. They seem to think that a happy marriage with traditional sexual acts is the secret to life, and the desire for anything else is evil, selfish and offensive to women. All right, maybe it is. But are we so blind so as to reject the reality of the world we live in? Life is all about temptation, seeing it, refusing it, and assimilating the good while filtering out the bad. Temptation exists and just because a man is tempted to cheat does not mean you should divorce him and marry someone more deserving of you. This is reactionary, radical thinking and it’s going to end up finding you a lot of angry feminist friends, but not that many men in your life. We are all creatures of habit and weakness, and any rational person can see that both men and women can be tempted equally, given the pervasive sexual content we see in the media, in modern fashion, and dirty limericks being passed on from our own friends and neighbors. Madonna / Whore Complex—Still Relevant? Case in point, the Madonna-whore complex, a theory pioneered by Sigmund Freud, which is believed by many to be a relic of the 19th and 20th century. The theory, simply put, states that men are attracted to types of women. The Madonna wife, the homemaker, the pure and virginal feminine presence, and two, the “whore”, or the woman who only wants to be his mistress or his prostitute—a woman willing to do anything for sexual exploration, sensual pleasure, money, etc. It’s easy to see why Freud, with his unapologetic and alpha-male voice, offended and continues to offend so many people who like to think of psychoanalysis as something soft, kind and inspirational. Freud was a very dark thinker and was primarily interested in figuring out men—and why men tend to have so many latent issues and ambivalent feelings towards sex. The question is, has the Madonna-Whore complex outlived its usefulness in the modern age of enlightenment and sexual equality? Not necessarily. Replace the Madonna/Virgin woman with the Wife—the good person, the sweet mother, the communicative companion. Now still, when compared to the Whore or say, in modern terms, the foul-mouthed porn star who just wants sex and no commitment, it’s easy to see why men are still “tempted” at the idea. He wants the wife, the family, the trust and communication…but his psyche and his sexual mind desire the porn star. So yelling at your husband or boyfriend, demanding that he stop being tempted, is just ridiculous and is a self-defeating strategy. Do this and you’re going to send him straight into the arms of another woman, since you’re no longer fun and interesting, but a source of stress and frustration. No man wants to be married to his mother. (Well, maybe a few do…but that guy also tends to still live with his mother) So in the next chapter, we’re going to discuss some more specifics on why men cheat, why they resist, and how you know when temptation strikes. Chapter 2 Whose Fault Is It, Anyway? Let’s get one thing straight—I am not an advocate for cheating men. I hate cheating, I hate the whole idea of infidelity, and I am not one of those guys who tells women to “just forgive him.” As if, he’s a man…he can’t help it! If anything, I encourage couples (and individuals within a relationship) to work out their problems before infidelity occurs. To identify weak points and strengthen your mind and body to them. Because it’s much easier to repair a relationship in crisis than it is to forgive and forget infidelity—a rift in the ship, something that’s constantly compromising the security of your relationship. That said, I don’t really believe in the whole, “It’s always the man’s fault…” or “it’s always the woman’s fault.” I think to blame either men or women for the prevalence of infidelity today is immature and ignorant. We face so much social pressure from the media, so much temptation through the Internet, and so much stress on a constant basis it’s a wonder that any relationship survives to the very end. Add to that, the hurtful truth that many relationships going on right now are doomed to fail, because both partners are just incompatible. I think you the type I’m talking about. The guy and girl that scream at each other 24-7, make up, cheat, beat each other up, but still claim to be in love. I think there is a point where a couple should just mutually agree to divorce because living together is just too much of a safety risk. However, I also think that two people who really do love each other and want to stay together should do so, and they deserve every chance they can get to make this relationship work. And in the end, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a matter of, “Do you want to work hard to save this relationship? Is it worth saving? Would you be happier in this relationship, with a few adjustments, than to lose it all?” If the answer is yes, then let’s discuss more ways on how you can prevent cheating from happening and win back the mind of your distracted man. What Makes a Man Resist Temptation? Before we discuss what makes a man “cave”, let’s first discuss all the reasons he has to resist temptation. After all, think about how often a man thinks about sex. Assume that he thinks of sex every few minutes, perhaps as little as once per hour. The whole “thinks of six every six seconds is a myth, and has never been substantiated. Most studies show, however, that men slightly out-dirty women in terms of thinking about sex throughout the day. A man thinks about sex naturally, and that’s in addition to the hundreds of advertisements he sees (many of which use sexuality to entice action), not counting free pornography or sexy social media pictures, and attractive strangers or friends he might meet on any given day. Even if a man were to cheat at some point in the day, the ratio of “resist to surrender” remains high, in favor of resisting. So ultimately, the motivation to resist is stronger than the urge to copulate frequently and indiscriminately. What are the motivators that prevent men from being total animals? We can assume that some motivators are entirely logistic. For example: He doesn’t cheat because no one hits on him. He doesn’t cheat because he has no money or time. He doesn’t cheat because he is afraid of STDs or unwanted pregnancies. He doesn’t cheat because he might get caught. He doesn’t cheat because he’s afraid of his mistress becoming too invasive. And so on. And that might be the only thing preventing an otherwise chronic cheater that has no personal interest in staying monogamous. However, it’s there are men out there who are faithful, strong, and who resist temptation for other reasons. They might include: Loyalty and love to a wife or girlfriend An unwillingness to lie or sneak around for moral reasons The love of family and emotional intimacy beyond what sex can bring And other altruistic (or in laymen’s terms, heroic reasons) In other words, good men don’t cheat. Period. Or at least, that’s what their mindset says, before it’s gradually worn down to the point of no return, a point where their usually strong convictions are by now not nearly as strong. They have no more defenses left. Perhaps all that is left now is an ideal opportunity. What Makes a Man Cave? So what makes the man lose these strong defenses? It’s usually not merely a drastic change in his thinking. Even in the midlife crisis stage, a man’s intention doesn’t suddenly shift to committing adultery. Long before that, he experiences multiple physical and psychological changes, and the relationship he thought he once understood, has now become something unattractive and incompatible with who he wants to be. In fact, very few men cheat out of sheer lust, or because a woman is sexually aggressive with her invitation. They usually cheat because there has already been some significant damage to their “force field” of fidelity. All it takes are little chips and dents in that force field to push a man closer and closer to “caving in” and having illicit sex. The most common reason a man cheats is because he feels betrayed in the relationship. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t only cheat because of sexual temptation. They cheat because they are unhappy with the relationship. They cheat because the relationship is miserable, whereas the adulterous affair is joyous, nostrings-attached, and exciting. Now true, there are men who cheat only because they are sexually unfulfilled, as opposed to men who feel betrayed, abandoned or disdained by their partners. Yes, it is possible that good men can be lured away from a good wife or girlfriend with the promise of experimental sex. And society judges him harshly, figuring that he’s the type of man who would exchange temporary pleasure for a lifetime of trust and happiness. Actually, it’s not that simple. A good man doesn’t cheat because he wants “better sex”. He cheats because he is sexually starved at home, and is not getting the sex he really wants. He may even be too afraid to talk about the type of sex he wants with his wife, which is only distancing himself further from his home, and closer to the street corner where the proverbial “prostitute” waits. So the easy answer to preventing infidelity is to give your man what he wants and eliminate all reasons on why he would seek sexual fulfillment outside of marriage. However, the answer is more complex than that. After all, you don’t want to be a total pushover and let your guy get away with everything. More to the point, if you don’t understand what his needs are, how can you make sure you are meeting them? We’ll discuss this in the next chapter to come. For now, I want to emphasize the point: don’t be blind to the fact that temptation exists. Accept that it does and that you must strategize. Let’s consider 30 different signs that might indicate to you that your man’s virtue may already be “worn down” and he is thinking of cheating. The first 10 are definitive signs of potential cheating that you want to take very seriously. The second ten are signs that suggest he isn’t entirely happy, but that he is probably still faithful in mind. The last ten signs are bad examples, bad advice, and stupid observations that only contribute to paranoia and irrationality. 10 Signs Your Man is Cheating or Thinking of Cheating with Someone He Knows 1. Privacy He is suddenly very private with his Internet accounts, cell phones and computer. He may even intentionally hide it from you. 2. Mysterious Financial Needs He is taking out new credit cards, or withdrawing lots of cash. In other words, taking out more money, which you can’t even ask him about. 3. Fixed Fights He begins verbally abusing you or intentionally making hurtful, cheap shot remarks. He wants to establish that the two of you are “unhappy and fighting” so as to rationalize his behavior. 4. He Suggests Separate Holidays or Vacations Enough said. 5. He Hints at Relationship Doom While all guys have morbid thoughts something, there is something strange about a man who is constantly asking you “what if?” questions about how you would get along if you broke up, or how you should stay friends if anything ever happened. It’s as if he’s preparing you for when it happens. 6. He Accuses You of Cheating Such bizarre behavior often happens when a man is trying to deny his own guilty feelings. He accuses you of cheating without solid evidence as a means of distracting attention from himself. 7. He Makes You Think You’re Going Crazy While this is sometimes hard to diagnose (especially if a woman has paranoia anyway) it is a constant in relationships where a man actually cheats. He is trying to drive his partner into insanity, so that she can’t catch him cheating. To know for sure, observe if… 8. He Stays Out Late And Makes Excuses Mysteriously disappearing, when combined with the other signs, is a sure sign of trouble to come. He may not be cheating yet, but he’s likely thinking about it. 9. He “Dates” By Himself Or With You. In addition to disappearing, a cheater or almost-cheater tends to put himself in ideal situations for meeting women. For example, cooking classes, bars, long work hours without explanation, and book clubs. Now this doesn’t necessarily mean that new interests are a bad sign; it just means that men who do cheat do not isolate themselves—they socialize more often. 10. He Acts Guilty Men tend to feel guilty, act guilty and overcompensate when they feel guilty. And unless he’s a total narcissist, chances are, he will feel terrible about having these extramarital thoughts or temptations. This happens often, especially after you do something nice for him. He might start fights for no reason, or may say something to the effect of not deserving you. 10 Signs Your Man is Feeling Weak and Threatened by an Affair 1. You haven’t had sex. Yeah that long. Or, you haven’t had really good sex, the kind you used to have. 2. He doesn’t want sex. It’s progressed to the point that he’s given up and seems uninterested. 3. He is dressing better when he goes out. As if he’s trying to impress someone. 4. He is no longer affectionate. He treats you as a business partner, more or less. He doesn’t confide in you or show personal affection. Kisses seem routine. 5. He talks about her. A man is sometimes dumb enough not to realize that he’s confessing his crush to his wife. For example, he might start telling you all the details of another woman’s life. This could be because subconsciously he feels guilty or because he’s getting some sort of so-called “dopamine high” out of using her name in front of you. Sometimes a guy might even insult his crush, talking about how ugly she is or some character flaw. This is not always true, but statistically speaking, a lot of men tend to cheat with women you already know, as opposed to a stranger. So paying close attention to those mundane conversations may be wise. 6. He stops complimenting you, and stops saying “I love you.” He may still be attracted to you and love you, but for whatever reason, it feels dishonest to him to say so. Whether it’s because he feels guilty, or because he’s falling out of love, it is a danger sign worth noting. 7. He changes morals. This is not always a given, and it may be a “false flag” if your man is an intellectual and enjoys discussing philosophy, religion, spirituality, and so on. However, for a man who is not ordinarily interested in such deep things, to suddenly begin questioning monogamy then it might be indicative of a morality battle he is experiencing. Some theorize that a man who does this is trying to influence his partner to forgive him, or even influence his partner to cheat. 8. He suddenly forgives other cheaters he knows or knew. Once again, the potential for a false flag is here. Having empathy for a cheater is one thing; pitying one of his friends or a friend of a friend for his bad choices and lifestyle of misery, is one thing. However, there is a big difference when a man suddenly, and out of character, says you should be forgiving of a cheater. Or if he himself says he forgives cheating, it is highly suspicious and indicates he is thinking a lot about infidelity…and may want you to be just as forgiving when he confesses. 9. He hollers out someone else’s name in bed. Well, yeah, that’s a given. 10. Your gut tells you so. Of course, your gut instinct can be wrong. However, assuming a woman is not overly paranoid, the reason her instincts are uneasy is because she is observing social changes in her man. Inexplicable changes (especially if her man is not in the period of midlife crisis) indicates a major change in his mindset. Meaning that he is either unhappy or thinking of cheating. 10 Signs Your Man is Feeling Weak and Threatened by an Affair (These are based on actual Internet-based observations I’ve read, most of which are totally WRONG and coming from women who obviously are not interested in saving their marriage, but who just want to find fault with their husband…and are inadvertently pushing him farther away) 1. Your husband is more interested in reading a book than making love to you! Umm…ever heard the excuse “I have a headache?” Maybe it’s a really good book… 2. Your husband begins using new catchphrases and telling new types of jokes that seem unusual for him! Ohh geez, you better make sure he sticks to Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey movies then. 3. He wakes up confused or startled! Wow! Ever heard of sleep apnea, insomnia, nightmares, food poisoning? 4. He is sleep-talking, having recurring nightmares, feels restless or exhausted all the time! So sorry my horrifying nightmare sent you into a screaming panic, honey. 5. He talks to other girls on social media! Now it’s just getting silly. Conversation is not flirting. It would be a pretty sad existence if a man is disallowed to speak to anyone besides his wife ever again. 6. He offers suggestions on how to improve yourself! While this isn’t exactly considerate, and may be even rudely handled, a man communicating is actually a very good thing. It’s the start of progress. Now let’s work on his tact… 7. Your partner becomes very moody! Apparently some of these Internet advice columnists have never encountered men with issues before. It’s called stress. It’s called aging. Sometimes it’s called psychological disorder. Not necessarily a sign of cheating. 8. Your partner’s taste in music suddenly changes! Yes, rap and heavy metal especially, they’re very, very bad and strongly indicate he’s getting funky with some black chick. Or something. 9. He becomes offended at the harmless comments you make! Men have feelings too. Believe it or not, some “harmless” and super-critical comments can really make a guy moody. 10. Your mate begins closing bathroom doors when he urinates! Hmmm, some people believe this sign indicates a psychological “distance” between you and him. I personally am against the open-door urination policy. Maybe you need SOME distance here and there… Anyway, the point of these lists is that just because a man is acting strange doesn’t mean he’s cheating and doesn’t mean he is tempted to cheat. It might simply point to the fact that he is unhappy. What is your first reaction when you discover your husband or boyfriend is unhappy? Is it to confront him, berate him, interrogate him, or kick his ass and tell him how lucky he is to have you and the kids? Good luck with that. This behavior is emotional, reactionary, immature and downright needy. That’s not what you need to be right now. You need to be strong, you need to be powerful and confident, and not go on the defensive. Play your cards right and you will reinforce your man’s resolve to stay faithful and give his life completely to you. You have the power to make your husband’s “force field” against infidelity pop up. And make other things pop up…sorry, couldn’t resist that one. So let’s get into some heavy theory here and discuss just what opportunity is and how your man sees it in Chapter 3. Chapter 3 Opportunity and Needs—The Recipe for Disaster As we’ve discussed, the only reason a man does cheat is because (A) there is opportunity, and (B) his needs are not being met in the present relationship (which is the most important factor). If a man has no opportunity to cheat, even if (B) is true, he probably won’t. Similarly, if (B) is taken care of and all of his needs are met, he will find no advantage to cheating—even on a selfish level, there will be nothing to the temptation. And that’s not even factoring in how much he loves you, his commitment and his morality. This indicates that taking care of his needs is paramount and the only true way to stop infidelity from happening. Can You Stop Opportunity from Happening? Opportunity comes and goes. Furthermore, you will not be able to stop every single temptation from occurring. Just as soon as one opportunity dies, another one will present itself—or herself, more specifically. Men can easily meet new women at restaurants, at work, at the store, at public events, and particularly through email and social networking. So to some extent you may be able to minimize opportunity. For example, if your husband feels lonely you could make an effort to accompany him more often. If you know that he is attracted to someone who is flirty, then naturally, you would try to arrange things so that he wouldn’t have to be alone with her. Some of this is common sense, and strangely enough, some people resist doing sensible things. Ultimately though, you’re going to have to trust your man at some point, trust that he will have the strength to resist temptation, because of his overall level of satisfaction. A man determined to cheat is going to cheat, regardless of circumstances. He will find excuses and find alibis and construct elaborate plots if he must. However, HAPPY men rarely ever do this. So rather than put so much concentration into preventing temptation—which can actually border on becoming too controlling and too nosey and invasive, your time would be better spent thwarting opportunity from within. How Thwart Opportunity The best way to totally destroy opportunity from happening is to destroy the desire to cheat internally. Rather than trying to over-sell the happiness angle, (as in “Aren’t you happy with a wife who loves you and children and a house…?”), why not try to dull the flash of the temptation itself? Why not quench or soak the flame of “forbidden” desire before reminding him why he’s in love with you? Now, with his sexual jollies taken care of, and his commitment to family fresh in mind, opportunity suddenly disappears. Oh it’s there…but he is not looking. He’s not searching, not even interested beyond a passing glance. Believe it or not, many guys don’t even notice pretty girls in the grocery store or at work. Their sex life is awesome…so it’s no longer the highlight of the day. Think of it this way. Treating men as total pigs for the sake of an analogy. Let’s say Sheik Sultan III has a wife, a mistress, and a friends-with-benefits young acquaintance in his life. He—being a sexist pig, of course—has three different needs that are being fulfilled. A loving wife whom he can’t talk to, a mistress who he can say anything to, and a young college girl who just wants sex. Now how tempted is Sheik Sultan III to find yet another woman to sleep with, assuming his wife, mistress, and the college girl take up 18 hours of his time every day? He’s probably resisting the urge to find a new partner very well, considering that he can barely handle the three. Now, let’s say the college girl and the mistress were combined into one woman. Now he has a loving wife and family, and a mistress who meets his emotional and sexual needs. In fact, his mistress now has double the libido, which wears him out. Still probably not going to look for another fling, considering these two women take up 14 hours of his day. One step further. What if somehow, through a witch’s spell or something, we could combine both the wife and the mistress into one ultra-hot, amazing woman? Would the man be tempted to cheat? If he’s a chronic cheater, the type that will never change, probably not. However, if you have a “good man”, and one that is already solid in his commitment to you and the family, he is very unlikely to cheat. Because not only are you playing the good wife perfectly, but you’re also assuming the role of the mistress and giving him everything he desires sexually. He has the best of both worlds now. Temptation is moot. Opportunity, wherever it may be, has been thwarted internally. If anyone were to ever ask him if he was tempted to cheat, his response wouldn’t be, “No, my wife would kill me!” It would be, “Why would I? My wife gives me everything. I have everything I ever wanted.” Fulfilling a Man’s Psychological Needs And that’s the main point. Understanding a man’s psychological needs and giving him the support he needs is the first step to creating a successful monogamous relationship. It’s so easy to become distracted in life, to take things for granted, and to not give your partner his proper due. Now I’m not suggesting that women don’t have needs too, and of course, a man owes his partner certain obligations. This book is the female perspective only, so check out my other books on the male perspective and what he owes to his partner just so you can get both sides of the story. (I don’t want this to sound sexist, as if men “deserve” all this honor and women don’t!) It’s a 50/50 thing. For the time being however, let’s talk about a wife or girlfriend’s responsibilities. Not what she “ought to do” or what her “godly role” is…but simply, what a man expects from his partner. It’s safe to assume that these three core needs are at the heart of every man. 1. Men want to feel like protectors, providers, and respected by a woman. 2. Men want to feel connected emotionally, mentally, and as part of your family. 3. Men want to feel competent at something, something that instills them with pride. Within these core needs come additional needs: 4. Men want to feel like they are in control. 5. Men want to be sexually attractive and emotionally attractive to their partner. 6. Men want to be sexually fulfilled, as sexual intimacy is a part of physical intimacy and works wonders for the ego. 7. Men want to feel loved and be given affection. 8. Men need interests, a form of self-identity, and achievable goals so that they feel determined to live life to its fullest. 9. Men want to feel uninhibited and as if they can achieve anything they set their minds to do. 10. Men want to be able to speak their honest thoughts to their partner. Now as simple as these ten items are, just think how many men out there feel deprived. How many men are living without these 10 basic needs, whether due to a bad relationship, an unsupportive wife, or a family full of stress and resentment? Women can easily shatter a man’s ego with certain daily behaviors, and with that ego can go his resolve to stay committed. If he no longer feels safe in his own home, if he doesn’t trust the woman who is his emotional confidant, then he has no particular reason to stay faithful aside from a vow. Emotionally, physically, sexually, he’s living with a stranger. He is a child in his own house. Suddenly, the desire for emotional fulfillment increases greatly—and he confuses this longing with inordinate sexual desire. (Even though it’s usually not sexual desire to begin with) These behaviors may include: Controlling behavior, treating him like a child, limiting his options and rights Needy behavior; constant interrogation or demanding to be with him all the time Intimidating behavior, demanding to be informed where he is at all times Limiting his sexual options, guilting him about his fantasies or kinks Putting him on a time schedule, letting him know there are more pressing needs than his feelings Assuming that a wedding ring is a good enough commitment from you—he needs to get over his issues and be a good faithful husband Constant criticism and second guessing his decisions Embarrassing him out in public Demanding all his decisions be approved by her first; limiting his budget and play time Stopping him from talking and expressing himself Do you sense a pattern here? Yes, a man in that type of relationship is literally having none of his needs met—except the need of companionship, which he would probably trade for just another warm body at this point. This behavior, while sometimes involuntarily (especially if a man is shy or self-effacing) is bordering on codependency and it’s unhealthy. The basic thought here is that a good wife, in addition to being a mother and a lover, has a personal obligation to make a man feel good about himself. It shouldn’t be flattery or insincere, nor is it a case of worshiping a man for his maleness. No, it’s simply giving him respect as a human being, an intelligent provider and protector, and making sure his emotional and mental needs are taken care of. This is not really a male/female issue, but one of friendship. A husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend, are each other’s best friends. How far do you go to make a friend feel welcomed, trusted, and loved? Is it not disrespectful to treat a husband as something less than your own friend? Always remember that a marriage or a commitment is not a license to stop loving. It means more love, more affection, as you must counteract the stress that a family or managing a household brings. What About His Ego? How can you build up a man’s ego so that (A) you don’t put yourself down (because who really wants to live with a chauvinist?), and (B) he doesn’t just think you’re patronizing him? The answer lies in not lying about anything, but fulfilling his emotional needs. First thing’s first, you must be confident and strong-willed in everything you do. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t respect pushovers. They don’t want weak women to control. They want strong women who just so happen to be on their side. A lack of confidence will cause a woman to lean towards codependent behavior, rather than allowing her to be the supportive companion he needs. So first familiarize yourself with the “rules” of being a strong woman are: Be unique Be a challenge Don’t chase him Don’t tell him what to do Let him take the lead Don’t try to change him Be honest Be mysterious Sounds uncomplicated, and to most women these rules do come easy, as no one wants to be the over-eager, needy, jump-into-bed type of girl that guys get bored of. NOW, the challenge comes as you struggle to remain confident and smart, but to still help your man feel comfortable in your presence. Strength is not about getting in your man’s face and telling him what’s what. That’s bullying and it’s definitely not going to earn a man’s respect, no matter how nice he is. Rather, start thinking of ways to make him: Feel good about himself Feel what he needs to feel for his own identity Be happy See you in a positive light and as a supportive ally Reinforce what he wants to believe, in life, about you, about others Now let’s try an experiment. Let’s discuss strategies for reinforcing all of the typical man’s needs. Let’s renumber the list and add some effective ideas for each item. 1. Men want to feel like protectors, providers, and respected by a woman. It’s not just, whether you show him respect, but how? Why? What do you let him provide for you, and how does he protect you? Do you reward him with praise for this? 2. Men want to feel connected emotionally, mentally, and as part of your family. What do you do to make sure a man feels emotionally fulfilled and intellectually compatible with you? Do you make sure he is happy about conversations, about family decisions, and about incidents that take place? 3. Men want to feel competent at something, something that instills them with pride. What is your man’s passion in life? Do you praise him for that? Do you take an interest in his hobbies and butter him up as the “expert”? 4. Men want to feel like they are in control. Maybe you are pulling the strings, but are you careful to ask him for his input, and to let him feel as if he has final say? Of course, if you’re a smart one, you’re going to let him think he has final say, but “sell him” on your idea anyway as the most logical solution. Basically, you protect his ego by competing against him. 5. Men want to be sexually attractive and emotionally attractive to their partner. Do you take the time to flirt with him, always letting him know that you still turn him on and still see him as attractive, just as the first time you met? 6. Men want to feel loved and be given affection. Do you love him, and speak his “love language”? That is communicate affection to him the way he likes it, not the way you figure men want. Be careful to learn him so that you don’t smother him, nor ignore him. You want to give him just enough love so that he always knows where to go when he’s feeling down. 7. Men need interests, a form of self-identity, and achievable goals so that they feel determined to live life to its fullest. Sometimes a good wife plays therapists and helps her husband to stay focused on his life, to pursue his ambitions, and to not let setbacks defeat him. More than anything, a husband will love you deeper (and not seek out an adulterous confidant) if you always show yourself to be supportive of his dreams. This is where mistresses often “nab him”…more on this in our final chapter. 8. Men want to feel uninhibited and as if they can achieve anything they set their minds to do. Are you making sure he is allowed to speak his mind, do what he feels, and live the life he secretly wants to live? Does he feel alive with you, as if you are sharing his wild, wonderful, amazing life…not holding him back? 9. Men want to be able to speak their honest thoughts to their partner. Yes, giving man, not the illusion of freedom, but the freedom to say what he’s really thinking and feeling is going to endear him to you. This is what he really wants—an equal that he can speak to, unencumbered by tact or fear, and share everything he is thinking. This doesn’t give him license to be rude, but it should always feel to the both of you as an open forum, one where you both speak honestly and frankly. Creative Ways to Pull the Strings The real challenge comes in learning your guy’s unique personality and mannerisms so that you can feel him out, determine what he wants to hear or feel, and then give him that support. In some ways, this emotional support has to be tailor-made, and befitting of the circumstances in your lives. So there is no standardized way to keep your man happy, since one set of behaviors and reactions could please one man, while provoking another. What we can concentrate on is how to minimize conflict. Remember what we said earlier on. A man will immediately become uncomfortable if you compete against him. Now this is not the same thing as a cheeky relationship in which the two of you flirt, tease, play games, and “compete” in a friendly duel of flirting. This means actual confrontation, trying to WIN, to beat him, and maintain the upper hand in the relationship. No man is going to enjoy this conflict, and in fact, that’s what starts so many relationship problems—the man standing up and “competing” against his partner. No man wants to be thought of as a “pussy-whipped” husband, if you excuse the expression. It’s emasculating, and it goes in direct conflict of a man’s basic need to provide for and protect his household. He can be helped by an equal woman, absolutely. But it takes some attention to make sure the relationship stays equal and is free of power struggles. Let’s consider some tips on how to maintain the balance. 1. Allow him space and the right to be alone. While some women might consider it jolly to be around her man 24-7, to a man, this constant need (and worse yet, checking up on him when he’s not there) will feel motherly. A man doesn’t need to go out at night or disappear on weekends. However, he does have the right to privacy, to quiet moments alone with his thoughts, the right to work outside the home and travel to different locations as needed, and the right to do as he pleases, rather than what the family “demands.” 2. Don’t try to “help” him. This may seem confusing but bear with me. You want to help him make decisions and improve his lot in life. However, you don’t want to “help” him, as in, “I’m just trying to help you! Listen to me!” A man cannot handle criticism very well, especially if you have a lot of it to offer. So rather than help him by continually telling him what he’s doing wrong, take a more positive approach. Don’t criticize him at all. Don’t find fault and don’t show him a better way to do anything. Demonstrate your ideas by doing them yourself, and explaining should he ask you for advice. You can also offer suggestions in indirect ways, for example, quoting a friend or a magazine article’s advice. Essentially, you are avoiding confrontation and letting him hold his power. In terms of female ego (of course, you don’t want to elevate him while denying yourself the right to be happy!) try to think of it this way. You maintain control of your body and the way you do things. He should be allowed to control his body and the way he performs household duties. So there’s no point in trying to force him follow your lead. Two independent people must come together and negotiate on how to run the house, raise the children, and take care of assets and liabilities. It doesn’t matter what seems better…what matters is that you respect each other’s rights to independence. (As for fidelity…more on that in the next chapter) 3. Beware of loaded sentences. This refers not only to sentences that are “loaded” with clauses and warnings (you know, stuff like “Does this make me look fat?”) but also sentences that are dense with angry emotion. Women are able to communicate well with words because of vocal and emotional inflections. Even if you say something that sounds completely logical, if you are angry or resentful when you say it, a man will pick up on it and will become defensive. If this becomes a habit, it’s not surprising why he would find another woman’s voice comforting, since she probably doesn’t infuse her sentences with so many angry feelings. Men want to be idolized, treasured. They don’t want to feel as if they are disappointing you on a regular basis. 4. Respect, Listen, and Praise Him How sad is it that respecting men and praising men somehow has a negative connotation today, as if deeply respecting a man is somehow degrading or masochistic. Being respectful doesn’t mean that you “obey him” or become the master’s slave. It simply means you do, on occasion and when it’s low risk, try his suggestions. You may find yourself dismissing his ideas often, but if you can incorporate his thinking into a problem you’re both trying to solve, it doesn’t hurt to try it. This shows that you are willing to listen and that you respect his opinion enough not to instantly dismiss it. Praising him for good ideas, for hard work, for creative concepts, and the like, is also a great idea because men love to feel appreciated for their provider/protector performance. For a bonus, don’t just stop at appreciating him for being a man. Remind him that he is unique, special, and unlike any other man in the world. He will always love you for this little ego boost. 5. Take an interest in his passions and hobbies. This is an excellent way to re-bond with him, even after you’ve cooled off and he’s starting to feel undervalued. Don’t simply ask him generalities. Ask him specific questions regarding his motivations behind these interests. Ask him about the details and try to see why he is so interested in these things. In doing so, you may even discover a spiritual side to him that you never really thought about. 6. Don’t bring up past mistakes. This is a sure way to bring up conflict—to remind him of his past mistakes, his past flings or ex-girflriends, or anything negative you can dig up. Just remember, this is what politicians do when they’re really desperate! This is not the sort of thing you do to a friend, to a husband/boyfriend who loves you. 7. Fix him breakfast and dinner. Well, sure, you can’t go wrong here. This doesn’t mean you have to be a housewife and do his “bidding”. However, being able to do something nice for him, like make him his favorite meals, will always be an act of love powerful enough to kill silly, extramarital urges. 8. Love, love, love his family. Whether you have to fake it or not, he must see that you absolutely love his mother, his father (if applicable), and even his extended family. This not only shows him that you are kind and considerate, but demonstrates that you ARE his family, you are part of his “people” so to speak. He can’t part with real family, that’s not an option. Become real to him by respectfully joining his family groups and being supportive and humble in their presence. 9. Get to know his friends. Not only is taking an interest in his friends considerate, but it’s also a smart way to keep tabs on him when he “goes out with friends.” If his friends like you, they will be less willing to cover up a secret, and less willing to forgive any philandering. They might also tip you off about any disappearances. The more friends you make, the more information you get. If his friends dislike you, you really have a major disadvantage going all the way around. 10. Prioritize the Relationship It’s interesting to note that when a man is cheating, it’s quite common that a wife is also having an affair—albeit it not always with another man. In fact, this “emotional affair” she’s having, which is taking her away from him, can be non-sexual and even with inanimate or intangible objects. For example, if she is “married” to a job, consumed with being a mother, taking care of a sick relative, being involved in church or charity—all of this can drive a wedge between her and her husband. This doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice these equally important matters. It simply means a little balance is required. Take a small amount of time away from these other things and give that time to your husband, just the two of you. A husband/boyfriend is not an autonomous being that works off the fuel of “commitment” for an eternity. He has a threshold, he has a breaking point, and he needs constant reassurance from you. I know, none of this is easy. But that’s why they call her Super-Mom. Family life and partner communication must co-exist if there is to be peace and happiness. That brings us to our final point: sex! Assuming that all men are sexual perverts, insatiably randy, unquenchably horny and desperate to spread their seed all over the place for biological reasons… How in the world can one woman tame the huge sexual appetite of the average virile man? It’s easier than you think…let’s move on to Chapter 4. Chapter 4 Fulfilling a Man’s Biological Needs Yes, this chapter is all about sex and it is a very sensitive issue, especially since many women (and yes, many men) have major sexual neuroses, dysfunctions, and strange perceptions of what sex should be. You know, we often hear that people are sexually ignorant, particularly in western culture. And you think, well penis goes into vagina, clitoral stimulation, breasts…what’s so complicated about that? That’s just it. These common foreplay/penetrative acts are just the peripherals of sex. Many if not most sexually active adults ARE sexually ignorant about how our bodies work, and to a greater extent, how our minds work in relation to sex. To begin, take the general theory that men are sex-crazed and they cheat because they’re super-horny, far more so than women, and biologically destined to spread their seed to multiple partners. Wrong. In reality, men and women both have the capacity to be super-horny, and the reason men cheat is because they are missing something from their monogamous relationship that they feel an adulterous one can provide. This is one of a hundred or so different misconceptions about sex. While we can’t dwell on all of them, we do want to review at least a few—the ones that pertain to adultery, cheating, and monogamy. I ask you, is the average man too horny, too wild, for a faithful and loving wife to tame? How Much Sex Does a Man Need? This is the million dollar question, and one that seems as dangerous to answer as it is difficult to conclude. Biologically speaking, some authorities claim that men’s brains produce sex hormones constantly, in contrast to women who produce them in cycles. So this is a plausible if not proven theory, suggesting healthy men are going to be horny at least several times a day. However, there is no evidence suggesting that men have a greater sexual desire than women, at least biologically speaking. If anything, women are socialized to be ladylike and suppress their outward expressions of eroticism. A lot of the sexual inhibitions society assumes women have come from the Victorian era, when high society considered women “pure” and virginal, and less emphasis was placed on women receiving pleasure rather than just lying back and “thinking of England.” Even in contemporary society today, the dating scene is not very kind to women. Men who are promiscuous are labeled “players” or charmers, like women who are equally promiscuous are called “sluts”. So there’s a huge double standard and social pressure here that all but guarantees men get to be known as the hornier species, even though that’s not necessarily true. Women are also the gender more likely to bond with babies and mother the children, which is a major tax on time. And all of this is not really taking into account the wide variety of variables that can result from individual personality, environment, genetics, and so on. So immediately…right away…do away with the notion that you as a woman can’t possibly keep up with your man sexually and that he’s just a man and all mean are cheaters. That’s crap. A healthy man has a great sexual appetite and a woman in good health and with a minimum level of stress in her life has the capacity to enjoy sex just as much. What does sometimes happen in long-term relationships, however, is the effect of desire discrepancy, which means for a variety of reasons, one partner is horny more often than the other partner. Or worse yet, the other partner develops “dead bed syndrome” and loses all desire for sex. If a woman is the one to lose all desire, or if she only wants sex a few times a month, then it’s obvious to see why a man who wants sex far more often can feel frustrated. Sex is a need and it cannot be placed on the backburner, or shelved entirely, not if you want to “fireproof” your marriage. In sex therapy, it is vital that both the man and the woman are helped to compromise and reach a level of comfort between them, not burdening either partner with too much or too little. Of course, there isn’t a magic number or a national average on how much a man needs in order to be satisfied. The main problem is that men tend to initiate sex more often than women, because as we discussed, it’s socially expected of them, in contrast to women who are expected to control their desires. Therefore, one of the best improvements you can make in thwarting opportunity outside the marriage is to be willing to initiate sex more often. Not only for your man (if you think he’s feeling amorous but shy about approaching), but for yourself—to satisfy your own desires. Men love it when women take the initiative, however, subtle the invitation is. Not only that, but men tend to equate sex with desirability. So if you make it a point to initiate sex, you’re helping your man to feel desired—the same feeling that a mistress would give him. On the other hand, forcing him to ask for sex, or worse, to beg for sex, is making him feel like a charity case, horrible for the male ego. When the Flame Burns Out Offering more sex to a hungry man is a no-brainer. What happens though when he becomes “accustomed to your face”, or seemingly bored of sex in general? Yes, it hurts. When a formerly virile man seems bored of sex it feels like a personal rejection. However, it’s important to remember that he is not rejecting your body, nor is he rejecting your personality. All he is rejecting is your sex life as is. He doesn’t seem to be interested in continuing things the way they are, and this is completely understandable. The reason being, it is somewhat unnatural to program yourself and your partner to enjoy the same things in bed, year end and year out, day by day, without any variation. It’s the equivalent of eating only Mexican or only Italian food every day of the week. It’s not the sex that bores you (or him), but the lack of variety that is deadening your appetite. What often happens is that a couple becomes accustomed to doing the same thing night after night, because initially, these “traditional” moves work. The novelty of sex with a new partner is intense at first and so the couple assumes recreating the same moves will suffice. This IS sex, or so they figure, and married sex just gets boring after a while. This is another western misconception about sex—that married life is boring and that sex is a routine or a synchronized system of moves that just naturally takes place. On other hand, adulterous sex is exciting because it’s unpredictable and experimental. What a fallacy! The truth is that married life can be every bit as erotic and sensational as single sex, if only partners would open their minds up to experimentation. In a relationship with a mistress, usually the husband behaves completely different from his normal sexual self, because he desires to experiment with new techniques, new psychological foreplays, and new penetrative or caressing acts. He dare not bring this up to his wife, because he figures she is too traditional, or too set in her ways to consider his new kinks. And in the end, this fear of the unknown—fear of trying new things, fear of offending your partner, fear of embarrassment—all these fears are preventing the two of you from experimenting with higher-peak sexual experiences. Yes, there is more than one type of orgasm. There are ways for women (and even men) to have what are called “multiple orgasms”. And all this knowledge and pleasure could be enjoyed by a committed married people just the same as a new couple getting frisky for the first time. The point is, you have to eliminate the routines. You have to make your sex life unpredictable again, and actively seek out new ideas to try. This means not only allowing your man to try new things with you (his ideas, his fetishes) but indulging yourself and letting him know what your secret turn-ons include. Men do enjoy it when they can bring pleasure to a woman, particularly if the woman helps him guide her to orgasm. One of the best strategies when it comes to opening up with each other is exchanging “forbidden” fantasies. Don’t be shy…encourage each other to speak something shocking, titillating and “forbidden.” The kind of stuff he would share with a mistress, not his wife. Don’t discourage him or intimidate him from sharing even if you find his ideas shocking. Remember, this doesn’t mean you have to do everything he’s suggesting. The mere fact that you’re talking about it will be pleasing, and he will see a brand new side of you. If the two of you are too shy to exchange fantasies, then try naming off a list of sexual experiment ideas and then discuss whether you would ever try them as not. This “breaking the ice” approach works well in eliciting a dialog. The simple fact is that all human beings need, not only sex, but the kind of exciting, unpredictable and erotic sex that cheating people seem to have. What makes it so hot? It’s not because these people are cheating. It’s because they are experimenting. They’re getting out of their comfort zone, or more to the point, their “routine zone” and are trying to rekindle the flames of their lust. No, it doesn’t feel like married life or a respectable marriage at all…and that’s what makes it hot. For men and for women who are bold enough to try it. The sad thing is, if you don’t try to meet your guy at least half way in this, he is going to be more tempted to cheat. Because there will always be someone else who is interested in just sex, and at this stage, you’re giving him two choices: normal married life or sexual fulfillment. Men shouldn’t have to choose. The both of you should look forward to both a hot and illicit sex life with each other, as well as a loving and committed family at home. The bottom line is that if a man knows he can get better sex at home than going out and looking for a date, he won’t bother looking. The temptation is gone. Do You Have to Do Everything? Of course not. Going through the big book of sex ideas, you’re sure to come across some items that seem creepy and way outside your comfort zone. Whether it’s anal sex, orgies and threesomes, or hardcore BDSM, naturally, there is going to be a point where you say, “No, I can’t do it.” And your man should not demand that you go through with it, because that’s exploitation, not love. And neither of you will feel any better if you go ahead and do something you don’t want to do. Instead, find compromises that the two of you can both be happy with. If you’re too uncomfortable with one act, then try to meet him halfway, doing something similar, but still within your safety borders. For example, instead of actually having an orgy with all your friends, just entertain him with a sexy fantasy describing such, as you pleasure him. It will mean a lot to him that you’re trying to please him, and yet still keeping your head on straight as a confident woman who is not a total pushover. Fantasies are harmless, and more often than not, the idea is good enough for a man who’s already in love with you and doesn’t want to cheat if at all possible. How Important is Physical Attraction? It’s vital to have a balanced view of physical attraction within a committed relationship. Looks aren’t everything. Looks come and go as you age, and sometimes men get involved with mistresses older than them, or less pretty than their own wives. Why the phenomenon? Because looks don’t really matter—the eroticism lies in the communication and the novelty of the relationship. There’s also another factor. When the relationship is new, both men and women always make it a point to “keep up” appearances. They shower, they dress up, they brush their teeth, and wear perfume. They put on makeup and try hard to make a good impression. In contrast, some wives become so lax in married life that they neglect to comb their hair, dress formally for their husbands, or keep their face clean and colorful. If you have been lax in this recently, you might be surprised at how quickly your husband will perk up once you start dressing up again. Not only will you earn back his attention, but he might start dressing up himself, formalizing these “married dates” so that they feel like something new and exciting, rather than just “old married sex.” Don’t give up on your sex life, whatever you do. For him, yes, but for yourself. Sex is supposed to be better, much better, than what you’ve been accustomed to. Find it, search it, and have fun exploring the boundaries of eroticism—not with a strange man or woman but with the one you love most. We’ve reached the final section of our book: troubleshooting a malfunctioning man. Let’s consider a few special cases before our conclusion. Chapter 5 Man Malfunction! All of our information thus far has been written for majority cases. However, there are some cases that are not customary and require a little bit of extra smart thinking. Consider four perplexing scenarios. Troubleshooting an Emotionally Damaged Man This is very challenging because your man will not react in typical male ways if he suffers from a disorder or ailment. He may react irrationally to normal situations. He may even come from a background of abuse, trauma or inherited weaknesses. In this case, it is doubly important to be patient, to be forgiving, and to regularly reassure him that you understand his pain and want to help him be what he aspires to be. In these cases it is very important to be his emotional confident in addition to his sexual mistress, because his emotional demands will be taxing. If you are able to show him that you care for him more than any other woman, and are supportive of him through thick and thin, he will start to see you as his one true source of strength. In time, he will be as loyal as a dog, trusting you implicitly. Troubleshooting a Long Distance or Long Work Hours Relationship Another tough scenario and one complicated by the fact that most couples think “waiting” is the key. It’s not. The key to a long distance relationship (or a long work hours job) is to maximize the time you have together, and find new opportunities to stay connected while you’re apart. For instance, many couples separated by states or countries make it a point to meet online for regular dates. Sometimes they use video cameras and microphones to increase intimacy levels. These couples are proactive about continuing their passion even despite obstacles. They don’t wait—they make do with what they have and they cherish their time together. If you sacrifice this intimacy (even online intimacy) because you figure you’re both going to “wait” then you are leaving your partner unsupervised and unfulfilled. It’s a dangerous territory. Keep the intimacy levels and sexual excitement up so that your partner’s interest continues to simmer until the next inperson meeting. When Love Grows Cold What can you do if despite all your efforts your man just seems destined to cheat? You’ve tried compromising, you’ve tried opening your mind and increasing communication, but the only thing he has on his mind is having sex with another woman. You have one of two options. 1. You can give in and let him cheat or participate in some sort of supervised swinging arrangement. 2. Or you can refuse and warn him that if he does cheat, he is not going to be forgiven. The first one of these is not a particularly great idea, unless you do find the idea of an open marriage or swinging stimulating. Otherwise, to do something you don’t really want to do just to please him, is surrendering ALL of your power. It’s equivalent of sleeping with a guy on the first date. It’s going to backfire sooner or later because he will lose respect for you and will keep pushing boundaries further and further. The second option is more realistic. I personally cannot advocate forgiving a cheater, because it will drastically change the relationship forever. Furthermore, if you forgive him once, he will be more inclined to cheat a second or third time, since now he has precedent. He knows you forgive, he knows he can expect you to be soft if he just puts on a great show of remorse. But once again, he is losing respect for you the more often you forgive him. Instead, make it clear from the very beginning that cheating is your threshold, your final straw. Saying something like “I would be very hurt if you cheated on me…and I would never be able to repair our trust if that happened,” is a good idea because it warns him in advance. You clearly and confidently lay down your law—your rights as an individual. It’s up to him to break them or respect them. If he can’t respect you, then he’s not worth doing a damn thing for. This is an equal partnership and it always must remain that way. Troubleshooting a Home Wrecker / Bitch Who Won’t Stop Chasing Him Last question! What can you do about the bitch who won’t die—that is, she won’t leave your man alone and is intent on seducing him—sometimes even right in front of you! I’m assuming that the home wrecker is probably not going to listen to your repeated requests to stop chasing a taken man. Therefore, you only have one other option. (No, don’t kill her!) That is, talk to your man about what is happening. Men tend to be suspicious when wives complain about other women whom they perceive as friends. Therefore, if you are going to accuse this “friend” of being a home wrecker then compile evidence so that it doesn’t look like petty jealousy. Put the thought in his mind and explain how it makes you feel. You’re basically treating this scenario as if he were already tempted to cheat with a mistress. At some point, he is either going to see your point about this woman, and break his friendship off, or he is going to succumb to temptation. Once again, make the consequences clear long before anything happens. Some women choose to punish men who lead other women on by becoming aloof and by paying more attention to other men—in essence, showing him what it feels like. I don’t recommend this, mainly because it’s a form of game playing and game playing can have unpredictable results. At the same time, I am a firm believer in equality. And if the two of you decide that extramarital flirting is okay, or an open marriage is okay, or whatever, then both partners should have equal rights. There always has to be balance, for the sake of the relationship and for the dignity of both husband and wife. Conclusion How to Be Both His Mistress and his Girlfriend In conclusion, I just want to say that I hope this book teaches women in all walks of life to be confident, but to be smart; to be balanced and determined when it comes to saving this wonderful relationship. I really believe that you can do it, because I have confidence that you can learn how to stop a man from straying, and that you have in fact chosen one of the “good ones” who is not going to screw around just because he can. If all of a man’s needs are in place, he has no reason to cheat. Believe that and believe in him. This book is not about making women subservient or giving men excuses to be brats. This is about both parties accepting responsibility for a marriage in crisis. This book is about not simply pointing your finger at your partner and demanding that he fix things. If you are unhappy in the relationship, then he is unhappy. In order to make yourself happy you must repair the damage that has been done, and bring his heart back to you. If you want something different from your man, you must ask for it. Love is not about demanding unwavering loyalty for the rest of one’s life. Love is about accepting your man as he is and making adjustments where possible so that your relationship can be bulletproof. Ultimately, a man does want a mistress and a good wife because it’s the separation of exciting sex from romantic, altruistic love, two different worlds. But there’s no reason why you can’t BE both, the wife and the mistress, just as he can be both the good husband and the sexy rock star bad boy. Learn to experiment sexually, to communicate thoroughly and to trust each other always—never holding anything back. Learn to love all of his “sides”, while exploring your own complex sides and preferences which you can give to him. Marriages and long-term relationships do not have to be about settling down. They can be as sexy as you want them to be. If you learn how to successfully use love, sex and persuasion to your advantage, you will become a wife-mistress hybrid who will blow your husband’s mind! You will keep him coming back home night after night, as he soon realizes the hottest affair he could ever have is going to be with you!