How to Get Your Ex Back – 15 Crucial Relationship... What to do Instead

How to Get Your Ex Back – 15 Crucial Relationship Mistakes and
What to do Instead
By Rachel Edison
~~~
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2013 Rachel Edison
All Rights Reserved.
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Are You In An Unhappy Relationship That You Want To Save?
Relationships can be rocked without notice. Despite several weeks, months or even years of love,
affection and bonding, two people can suddenly become distant and want to leave each other, for a
number of reasons.
Though that might unfortunately be the case in your situation, you MUST understand that any
relationship or marriage, no matter how disastrous the current situation may be, can be saved and
nurtured back into health IF you know EXACTLY how to fix it.
Download The Ultimate ‘Save Your Relationship’ Resource Pack 100% FREE
www.seductionsorcery.com/relationship
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Disclaimer
No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, electronic, or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any informational storage or retrieval system
without express writer, dated and signed permission from the author.
DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICES:
The information presented herein represents the view of the authors as of the date of publication.
Because of the rate with which conditions change, the authors reserve the right to alter and update
their opinion based on the new conditions. The report is for informational purposes only.
While every attempt has been made to verify the information provided in this report, neither the
authors nor their affiliates/partners assume any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions.
Table of Contents
Introduction
No. 1: Not dealing with depression properly
No. 2: Not sharing pleasurable activities
No. 3: Lack of Appreciation
No. 4: Poor communication
No. 5: Poor decision-making
No. 6: Encouraging outside influences
No. 7: Weak emotional investment
No. 8: Not opening up
No. 9: Personal Issues and Habits We Find Annoying
No. 10: Not Settling Disputes
No. 11: Neglecting your physical appearance
No. 12: Financial Mistakes
No. 13: Dishonesty
No. 14: Playing the blame game
No. 15: Other relationship issues
What if Your Relationship Is Failing?
Where To From Here?
Are You In An Unhappy Relationship That You Want To Save?
Introduction
People, unlike machines, don't come with user guides. Instead, we gain our early knowledge about
the life's workings from our parents (and occasionally, grandparents) - folks who have weathered
the storms and can share the wisdom they've gained about life's various pitfalls. Parents today,
though, with their attention increasingly shifting away from the household and towards more
personal spheres like career and recreation, have less time to play this role for their children.
This is especially true for relationships. Today's generation, by and large, has had nobody to guide
them through the many intricacies of love, lust and infatuation. As products of the sixties, a time
closely associated with rebellion, self-indulgence and other excesses, their parents weren't always
the best role models (to put it mildly).
The upshot of all of this is that we've got a generation making its way through the murky realm of
relationships with all the care and sophistication of an unguided missile - hurtling aimlessly towards
separation, divorce and other disastrous consequences. The statistics, by now, are common
knowledge: just about everybody can recall off the top of their heads that half of all marriages end
in divorce, with things getting markedly worse for second and third marriages.
There is so little in the way of proper relationship guidance in this day and age that, rather than
wondering why so many marriages fail, we might be better off asking why any of them succeed at
all! Of course, it's not all doom and gloom - we know, after all, that love, care and passion can hold
a relationship together in the face of great adversity - but even the most loving and passionate
couple can only hold out so long if there are deep, persistent problems in the relationship itself.
A lot can go wrong when it comes to relationships, and there are plenty of mistakes that can be
made by both parties. In this book, we will go over the fifteen most common (and most damaging)
mistakes that couples can make, and will also explore potential solutions. Think of this as a kind of
“user's guide” for relationships - a handy resource that allows couples to address the problems they
face in a reliable and effective way.
Before you continue reading, check out this amazing free video which shows you how to actually
text the romance back into a dead or dying relationship
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No. 1: Not dealing with depression properly
According to clinical research and surveys of married couples, the biggest problem arises when one
of the partners is suffering from depression. Before we get into specifics, though, it's important to
get a handle on exactly what we're talking about. While many casually use the term “depression”
when referring to mild sadness or a passing bad mood, what we're talking about here is a serious
condition that can be extremely debilitating and, in some cases, life-threatening.
Genuine depression is a disease and, just like with any disease, it is important to understand what
causes it. Tendencies towards depression may run in the family. A traumatic experience such as the
death of a loved one may also cause a person to fall into depression. In addition, there are other
factors, such as self-esteem issues, problems at work or drug and alcohol abuse that play a part in
making the depression worse.
As with any other disease, people suffering from depression will exhibit certain symptoms.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (known commonly as the
DSM-IV) published by the American Psychiatric Association, there are nine major symptoms:
<> A depressed mood during most of the day
<> Tiredness, fatigue and lack of energy
<> Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
<> Inability to think or concentrate and indecisiveness, even regarding simple decisions
<> Troubles with sleep, including sleeping too much as well as not getting enough sleep
<> Significantly diminished interest and pleasure in normal activities
<> Thoughts about death, including suicidal thoughts
<> Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or slowness of movements and
actions)
<> Significant gain or loss of weight (more than five percent in a month) as well as a
significant increase or decrease in appetite
If five or more of these symptoms are present for more than two weeks, and cannot be attributed to
things like substance abuse or the bereavement process immediately following the death of a loved
one, the person may be suffering from major depression.
In addition, a person may suffer from minor bouts of depression, which are accompanied by the
following symptoms. How severe, long and frequent they are can vary from person to person:
<> Trouble concentrating, making decisions or recalling details
<> Reduced energy and fatigue
<> Feeling worthless or guilty
<> Feeling hopeless or pessimistic
<> Excessive sleeping, or insufficient sleep
<> Lack of interest in once-pleasurable activities (hobbies, etc.)
<> Irritability
<> A loss of pleasure in life in general
<> Changes in appetite (eating much more or much less)
<> Frequent and persistent aches and pains
<> Digestive problems
A big and extremely common mistake in relationships is the failure to properly deal with a
depressed partner. Being understanding and sympathetic is of the utmost importance. It's also
crucial to try and promote a better feeling of self-worth - one way to do this is to try to engage the
person in things that they find enjoyable.
Depression is most commonly treated with drugs, and antidepressants like Prozac are a fairly
common prescription. However, there are alternatives, including natural remedies such as Omega-3
fatty acids and St. John’s Wort. Ultimately, the treatment chosen should be the one that allows the
depressed individual to best deal with their issues over the long term.
If you notice symptoms of depression in your partner for a significant period of time, encourage
them to get help and treatment. Be patient with them and encourage them to engage in activities
where they interact with others, rather than spending all their time alone. You must also do your
best to let them know that you are not the source of their depression, though they may occasionally
lash out at you and blame you for their problems.
To whatever extent that it is feasible, you should try to put some distance between your partner and
the various things that trigger depression in him or her. A change of scenery can often do the trick,
such as place that brings back happy memories, or a fun vacation spot.
No. 2: Not sharing pleasurable activities
The next most common issue is a lack of common interests. We sometimes get so wrapped up in
our own hobbies and pastimes (for instance, sports or shopping) that we don't bother to try and
include our partners.
For the men - it's all well and good to spend time with your buddies, fishing and playing golf, but
you've also got to make some time to spend with your lady. And as for the ladies - we know it's
hard to tear yourself away from your girlfriends when you're out shopping or schmoozing, but it's
important to leave some quality time for your man as well.
Of course, time in and of itself is just one part of the equation - what you do with it is just as
important. Simple things like eating together and having sex, while certainly important, aren't
enough by themselves to sustain a healthy relationship. The key is to develop shared interests.
There are a number of hobbies and activities that couples can get into together, such as hiking,
camping or boating. A shared circle of friends and family certainly wouldn't hurt either.
In addition to developing new shared interests, it's also important to take an interest in things that
your partner already enjoys, particularly if it's something that they spend a lot of time and passion
on. Ladies, go to the football stadium or hockey rink with your men and enjoy the game with them.
Bear in mind that men often enjoy explaining the complexities of sports to others, so play along and
let them be the “expert”, even if you already know all about it.
As for the men - we know it might be a bit much to ask you to suddenly start enjoying shopping,
but there will be other things she enjoys that could be rewarding for you as well, such as operas and
symphonies, or other similar events. The important thing is for you to be able to enjoy each other's
company in a variety of different ways.
No. 3: Lack of Appreciation
Familiarity may not always breed contempt, but as a couple gets used to each other's presence over
time, it's not unusual for a partner to start taking the other for granted. When this happens, they
may start to pay their partner less attention and as a result, their partner may start to feel that their
importance in the relationship and in the other's life is not being acknowledged.
When a person feels as though they're being taken for granted, they often find other friends and
activities as a way of filling the void, which in turn leads to both partners developing separate lives
and slowly drifting apart. This won't necessarily spell doom for every relationship right away, but
couples who grow too far apart do put themselves at greater risk.
A relationship must be mutual in order to endure successfully, and this means that both partners
need to put in the same amount of effort. If one of them starts to feel as though their efforts aren't
being reciprocated, they may feel neglected, hurt, and ultimately resentful.
Everybody should remind themselves, every once in a while, about the importance of their partner
in their life. Simply making it a point to think about your partner when you're away from them can
go a long way. Keeping pictures of them in your purse or wallet, on your desk at work, or in the car
can help as well.
It goes without saying, of course, that remembering “big” days like birthdays and anniversaries is
important. But the little things matter as well - small acts of kindness, like flowers bought on a
whim or surprise treat to a special meal, will let your partner know that they're always on your
mind.
This tends to be a bigger problem with men than with women. Women are typically more
thoughtful and expressive about things like these whereas men, while not necessarily being
uncaring, may sometimes take it for granted that their partners know how they feel. What's the best
way to fix it? Well guys, one simple solution would be to treat these little things with the same care
and precision that you would your job - perhaps keeping a daily planner similar to your business
calendars, where you make a note of all the various things (anniversaries, events, etc.) that are
important to your partner. And as with work, a little effort invested today is bound to pay dividends
tomorrow!
No. 4: Poor communication
Communication is regarded by many as a relationship's most important aspect, and while it may
perhaps not be as urgent some of the other issues mentioned (such as dealing with depression), good
communication nonetheless is one of the most crucial elements for a relationship's long term
development.
Men and women do think differently and experience different emotional responses, so it's no
wonder that they speak differently as well. Even the same words and phrases can have entirely
different meanings depending on who's saying them. As the adage goes, “Women are from Venus;
Men are from Mars”, highlighting the need for strong communication in order to bridge this gap.
Of course, while there certainly are some distinct patterns to the way men and women
communicate, that doesn't mean that all men or all women will necessarily express themselves in
the exact same manner. Each individual ultimately has their own way of expressing their thoughts
and emotions, and with each relationship we all must make an effort to discover these details about
our partner.
Our partners are just one half of this puzzle, though. We've also got to be mindful about how we
express ourselves, and how well we're doing when it comes to letting our partners know how we
feel. If the relationship is to endure, we must be prepared to share anything, including intimate
details.
Much of this communication will naturally be of a very private nature, and so a big part of
communication involves not just sharing things with your partner but also applying discretion,
particularly when talking about these things to others. Some of the things your partner tells you will
be highly personal and intimate, and if we carelessly share them with others, that may damage the
trust your partner places in you and make them hesitant about telling you such things in the future.
It's also important to keep in mind that communication involves more than just talking. It's not
enough just to listen to the words our partners are saying, we've also got to notice the other little
things - body language, mood, and demeanor and so on - or else we might miss out on some very
important details.
To sum up: do your best to learn about how your partner communicates his or her thoughts and
feelings, and treat everything they tell you with care and respect. Be prepared, also, to share these
things with them yourself; the relationship is, after all, a two-way street.
No. 5: Poor decision-making
In a genuine partnership, both parties are actively involved in the decision-making processes, and
this is especially true for intimate relationships. While it may be natural for one partner to tend
towards a bigger role when it comes to certain decisions, both should be at least somewhat involved
in the process.
Some of the obvious examples include major decisions like buying a car or a house, or making
vacation plans. We must resist tendencies to assume that, for instance, men know more about cars
and so should be solely responsible for deciding on car purchases. With every big decision, both
parties should make an effort to be involved and give their input, and also to involve their partners
so their voices are heard. When there are children involved, these decisions take on an even greater
importance, and it's that much more crucial for both partners to play an active role.
The involvement of both parties in major (as well as many minor) decisions is a big part of the
mutual respect that is important for any successful relationship. There are, however, significant
practical reasons to do so as well. If all major decisions were left entirely to one partner, it can make
things exceedingly difficult for the other partner if the decision-maker then dies or is incapacitated
due to illness or injury.
Sharing the decision-making responsibilities, thus, is important for a relationship as it not only
cultivates mutual respect, but can also help ease the burdens faced during tough times.
No. 6: Encouraging outside influences
Another common problem for relationships relates to inappropriate influence and interference from
outside sources. While it's certainly normal and healthy for both partners to value their relationships
with their own family and friends, certain lines need to be drawn. When it comes to relationship
matters, the only people involved should be the couple themselves.
It's also common for the social circles of a couple to gradually drift apart, especially when both
partners are involved in separate full-time careers. As time goes on, the shared circle of friends and
acquaintances can shrink, until eventually there's barely anything left in common at all. And with
these diverging social circles comes the potential for these outside individuals to start influencing
the relationship in various ways, resulting in the couple being driven even further apart.
As with shared interests, shared social circles can play a big part in keeping a relationship healthy.
This may not be feasible for every aspect of life, though - for instance, it will obviously be difficult
for partners who are both working full-time to get to know the other's workplace friends. In some
cases, such as with people working sensitive government or military jobs that require discretion,
they may not be able to share work details with their spouse at all. Of course, there are certain
things that both partners will have some control over - such as who they spend their leisure time
with - and so they should both try, to whatever extent they can manage, to make sure that they're not
drifting too far away from their mate.
The biggest danger that comes from outside influences, of course, is the risk of affairs. Both men
and women have affairs, but men stray more commonly than women. These dalliances are often
purely physical and opportunistic in nature, containing no real love or emotional attachment. As a
result, men who have such affairs may underestimate how badly their partner will be hurt, and may
say things like “She didn't mean anything to me!” in an attempt to excuse their actions - something
that isn't likely to help matters.
An affair is obviously a low point for any relationship, but it doesn't always have to spell the end.
The most important thing for the straying partner is to understand and acknowledge the hurt
feelings of their partner, and to refrain from casually minimizing the harm they've done. Rebuilding
the trust and reassuring your partner that you really do love them will often be a slow and difficult
process, but it can be done - a little care and patience (and forgiveness, tough though it may be) can
go a long way towards salvaging a relationship.
No. 7: Weak emotional investment
The phrase “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” is just as relevant to relationships as it is to
financial matters. Specifically, it is the emotional investment that matters here - if you don't put
anything in, the relationship will end up being far less rewarding than it could have been.
The relationship, in this sense, is akin to a portfolio - the more of themselves that both partners
invest into the relationship, the greater the returns they both will see. And, as with real-life finances,
you have to invest early in order to see the best returns.
This is especially true as a relationship begins to mature. In the early days, the physical aspect of the
relationship will count for a lot, but this infatuation will eventually diminish. As time passes, it is
the strength of the emotional bond between the two partners that will truly determine how durable
the relationship is.
If there is a failure by one or both partners to make an emotional investment, the relationship can
turn out to be weak and unsatisfying, and can end in divorce, separation or breakup. We noted
earlier that about half of all first marriages end in divorce - one likely factor behind these statistics
is the lack of investment made by one or both parties. When you are invested in something you
tend to protect it with more vigor.
Ironically, the fear of separation may be the very thing that keeps a person from investing
emotionally in the first place. They may be afraid that, by getting too emotionally attached, they
will leave themselves vulnerable to painful heartbreak if things don't work out. This can turn into a
tragic self-fulfilling prophecy, where the relationship ultimately fails due to this poor initial
investment.
A relationship without enough investment is one that is easily broken, and is often unsatisfying
while lasts as well. True, genuine emotional investment represents a risk like any other investment,
but nonetheless it must be done in order for the relationship to reach its true potential.
No. 8: Not opening up
According to surveys, one of the most common things that people wish to change about their
partners is that they'd like them to open up more. Many people have difficulty sharing certain kinds
of things even with intimate partners.
It is typically in the early phase of a relationship where partners begin to share intimate stories and
close personal details with each other. Some people are unable to do this easily, though, and this is
especially true for certain kinds of highly personal things. They may be particularly hesitant to share
details about moments (perhaps from childhood, or from past relationships) where they were hurt,
embarrassed or abused.
Patience and understanding are key when it comes to winning your partner's trust in matters like
these. It is important to let your mate know that you care deeply for them, and that it is for this
reason that you want them to open up to you. Let them know that the greatest intimacy in a
relationship comes not from sex, but from sharing these personal and private things with the person
we love.
It is also important, however, not to press your partner too hard to open up, as this may stress them
out. And when they do finally begin to open up, you should acknowledge it with respect and
without judgment.
No. 9: Personal Issues and Habits We Find Annoying
In the early stages of a romance, both partners are often on their best behavior. This is
understandable - after all, each wants to make a good impression on the other, and so they cater to
each other’s whims and make real efforts to be attentive, affectionate and loving. As they become
more familiar with each other and move out of the “honeymoon phase”, though, they eventually let
their guard down and many of their personal habits may start to annoy and irritate their partner.
Common causes of irritation might include simple things like squeezing the tube toothpaste from
the wrong place, leaving the toilet seat up, hogging the television remote, refusing to ask for
directions when lost, or taking too long while getting dressed. There are plenty of infractions
committed on both sides of the aisle - some may be seen as “a male thing” while others are done
more often by women.
Other bad habits may be more serious, such as poor driving, bad personal hygiene, regularly leaving
the house in a mess, or a refusal to do your share of chores around the home. If left unchecked,
these may cause real irritation and could eventually put a serious strain on the relationship.
Different people respond to these annoyances in different ways. Some may take even the more
egregious ones in stride and not be bothered by them, while others may find themselves seriously
annoyed by even the little things. If you find yourself in the latter category, there are several ways
to approach it. You could, of course, try to convince your partner to change, but you must be
prepared to make a similar effort if your partner then wants you to change something in return.
Some old habits can be very difficult to change, though, and so sometimes the most sensible
approach is to just learn to live with it.
There will always be little things that you can do to make life a little bit easier for your mate - guys
can, for instance, try to refrain from the kind of crude humor that makes women cringe, while girls
can do a better job of not strewing their lingerie all over the place. It's all about showing your
partner that you care enough to make the effort.
One thing to keep in mind, though, is that a partner's annoyance about seemingly trivial issues may
be a sign of deeper issues with the relationship itself, especially if their anger seems to be wildly out
of proportion when compared to the initial infraction. This ties in with our earlier discussion about
communication, and in particular the ability to read between the lines and pick up on the unspoken
messages your partner is sending.
No. 10: Not Settling Disputes
Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, and marriages and other intimate partnerships are
no exception. You and your partner will, from time to time, have discussions and encounter issues
where you don't see perfectly eye to eye. While most of these may blow over quickly, sometimes
even the most trivial disputes can end up causing unnecessary pain and annoyance if one or both
parties fail to deal with them properly. Here are a few simple tips to ensure that these arguments
don't end up ballooning out of control:
<> Admit it when you are wrong. Sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge when we are on the
wrong side of an argument, but owning up to our errors will often settle the issue right
there. It helps to avoid seeing the argument as a contest to be won, and to not treat the
prospect of “losing” as a personal affront.
<> Try to turn the argument into a discussion. People are less heated when they see
themselves as merely talking about something, as opposed to arguing. One way to cool
things down may be to postpone the argument; something as simple as “Let’s talk about
this in an hour” could do the trick.. You may also try to defuse the issue by suggesting
another venue to have your discussion, one that is favorable to settlement, such as a
favorite pub or a bench in the park.
<> Acknowledge that you are having a dispute. Sometimes people try to ignore their
conflicts because they feel that it would reflect poorly on them. Admitting that there is a
conflict gives you a chance to try and solve it, whereas dismissing it without a thought
could make it much worse down the road.
<> Be proactive in offering solutions to the dispute, and try to focus on solutions that avoid
explicitly pinning blame on someone. Encourage your partner to offer their own solutions,
and give proper consideration to what they say. Always keep in mind that the goal is not
for one party to “win”, but for both of you to be happy - this is best achieved if you are
diplomatic and not aggressively contentious.
<> Settle the matter on a positive, friendly note. If no complete settlement is forthcoming,
the best thing to do would be to just call a truce and try discussing the matter again at some
later date, when both of you have some time to reflect had. Always end the argument with
a hug and a kiss to show there are no hard feelings. Never go to bed angry!
No. 11: Neglecting your physical appearance
Looks are often a major driving force behind the attraction a couple feels towards each other in the
early stages of a relationship, particularly for men (women may tend to be a bit more lenient in this
matter). As both partners get older, particularly in relationships that last for many years, this
appearance tend to become less important.
Still, concerns physical appearance can become a real issue in a relationship, particularly if one
partner really lets themselves go, so to speak. Weight gain is one of the biggest issues, and is
another area where both sexes tend to respond differently - a woman may not be too bothered about
her husband's beer gut, while a man might not be similarly forgiving if his wife starts putting on
weight. Grooming is another issue, and one that is usually more important to women, so any guys
out there would do well to put in at least a minimal effort in keeping themselves clean and neatly
trimmed or shaven.
One great way to tackle the issue of weight gain (in yourself or in your partner, or even both) is to
join a health and fitness club together. Schedule times to work out that are convenient for both of
you and make sure you stick to the schedule you set. You will be able to encourage one another and
it’s tougher to ignore your workouts when your partner is pushing you to go to the club. This is
another investment that will pay off greatly in the long run - it will improve not only your looks and
appearance but your health as well.
Another related issue is the clothes you wear. Guys, it's understandable if don't really care about
what you're wearing. The least you could do though is let your partner help you out, whether it's
deciding what to buy or what to wear for an occasion. It might not matter to you, but it does matter
to her.
Making a conscious effort to improve your appearance will pay rich dividends both for you and for
your partner. After all, when you think that you look attractive, you feel attractive. When you feel
attractive, you are attractive. It shows in your attitude, your demeanor, and even in the way you
walk. The feeling matters as much as the looks - a confident, self-assured and well-groomed
individual will be attractive to others.
No. 12: Financial Mistakes
Money problems are another common issue in relationships, particularly among young couples who
are just starting out in their careers. Their take-home pay might not be very high to begin with, and
this problem may be made worse by poor money management skills.
The list of things that any couple might need or want to spend money on will be very long, and it
can sometimes be overwhelming. It is important, however, not to deal with it in a simplistic ad hoc
basis and instead work out a proper financial plan.
The first note to make in the ledger would be to list both of your incomes on the credit side. Then
you begin the debit side. In the debit side, the first thing marked down should be ten percent of
your combined incomes, which is to be set aside in a savings account for a “rainy day”.
The debit side continues with all of your joint expenses: rent or mortgage payment, utility costs,
telephone and other regular expenses. Next on the list will be all of your individual expenses such
as car payments, car insurance and any other debts.
Add up both columns and deduct the debits from the credits. The difference is how much you have
to spend for food and drink, gasoline and other monthly expenses.
Two simple and effective rules to keep in mind are “Don't spend money you don't have”, and “Don't
borrow money to back previous debts”. As long as you follow these basic guidelines, you should be
in good shape.
Making a financial plan is a good move even if you aren't planning on completely combining your
income and expenses. At the very least, you should list all joint expenses, and also establish a
budget for food and beverages. This will give you an idea about how much each of you should
contribute to the household fund.
You may also decide to get a joint bank account for the payment of bills and other joint expenses if this is the case, you should set up direct deposits into the account, to ensure that your share gets
paid. If you're using this or another joint account to pay for groceries and other everyday expenses,
both of you should carry debit cards for the account.
It goes without saying that any optional expenses should wait until everything else mentioned above
has been taken care of. If there is still some money left over at the end of the year, or at some other
predetermined time, the excess funds in the joint account can be used to throw a party, place in a
joint savings account (the smartest move) or buy something nice for the house.
If you failed to establish a budget plan before you began cohabitation, you may have already run up
some debts that you need to handle jointly. Don't panic if this is the case - set up a plan after-thefact and proceed as above. If the financial problems are greater than you both can cope with, consult
your bank or other experts for financial advice and try to work out a feasible long-term solution.
Financial problems are a major source of stress and worry for individuals, and can put a lot of
pressure on a relationship as well. Don't neglect them until it's too late.
No. 13: Dishonesty
Lying can be a major issue in relationships. All of us have told a few “white lies” from time to
time. Most often it is to keep someone from being hurt – “She really didn’t mean to say that, dear”
– or to keep yourself from being hurt – “No honey, that dress doesn’t make you look fat.” But
some liars do so without concern for the people they are affecting.
Dealing with a liar can be very difficult. Avoid a relationship with a pathological liar at all costs.
When you are involved with a compulsive liar, encourage them to seek treatment. Have an
intervention with them, enlisting the aid of friends or family who they respect. Convince them to
change their ways, but understand it is an easy habit to fall back in to. Compulsive lying can be a
disease, just like depression, and it can be just as disastrous for a relationship if it isn't addressed
properly.
No. 14: Playing the blame game
Some people avoid responsibility for their actions by blaming other people, things or events for
their problems. This is fairly juvenile behavior, but is too common. Acknowledging problems is
never pleasant, of course, but staying in constant denial only makes things much worse.
Playing the blame game can be more than just an annoying habit - it is often a trait associated with
mentally unbalanced people. In shrink-speak this is called “projection of blame.” In other words,
the person is avoiding the pain of their actions by transferring the blame to someone else.
Playing the blame game will cause any intimate relationship to suffer. If the blame is transferred to
the partner rather than some other third party, it may lead to anger and resentment. No one wins in
this game, so don’t do it yourself and counsel your partner against it if they try it.
Accept the ownership of your flaws, mistakes and shortcomings. It may sting to acknowledge a
problem or error, but it is mild compared to the kind of damage that persistent denial can do to a
relationship over the long run.
If you feel that your partner playing the blame game with you, the first thing you should do is avoid
getting angry. Talk to your partner as calmly and reasonably as you can, and ask why they are
blaming you. A level-headed and rational approach can help greatly when trying to get the blamer
to accept responsibility for their actions.
No. 15: Other relationship issues
Many of the reasons for relationship failures or difficulties are in categories that overlap or may be
broadly described as “communication failures.” We did of course cover the specific issue of
communication earlier, recognizing it as the dialogue between a couple that develops mutual
understanding, respect and affection.
Communication, however, is also about intuition, a sense of what your partner needs and wants. It
is about common interests and being able to enjoy each other in deep and fulfilling ways. It is about
trust, faith, understanding and commitment.
Communication is also about listening, and being able to notice the details that aren't obvious. Are
you empathetic and sympathetic with your partner? Are you really hearing what your partner is
saying? Are you reading between the lines and getting the real message?
Relationships, like plants, require nurturing. Just as a plant needs good soil, water and sunshine,
your relationship needs a good foundation of mutual interests (soil) and regular care and attention to
the little things (water) to go along with you and your partner's inexhaustible love and passion for
each other (sunshine).
Relationships will inevitably face problems over time - many small ones, and a few large ones. The
mere existence of problems shouldn't worry us, though - we are flawed beings, after all, and we do
make mistakes. It is how we respond to mistakes that determines our character.
If you have a contentious problem in your relationship, you have to address the causes of the
problem before you can eliminate the problem itself. Failure to erase problems and their causes will
allow them to continue to fester, and they could get much worse over time.
If you made a mistake or hurt your partner in some way, you must ask for forgiveness. You need to
acknowledge the mistake as well as the hurt feelings of your partner without trying to make excuses
or downplay the whole thing. On the other hand, if your partner was in the wrong, then you have to
be the one forgiving the mistake. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.”
For a marriage or any other intimate relationship to be successful, you must do more than just be
there. It requires constant effort and investment - of time, of thought, and of emotions. You will end
up putting in a lot, but it is sure to be one of the soundest investments you can make.
What if Your Relationship Is Failing?
We live in a society where just about everything are disposable, from baby diapers to food and
drink containers, to printer cartridges, and to paper or plastic bags. This may be seeping into our
feelings about relationships as well, and we as a society are perhaps starting to regard marriages as
just another thing to be discarded for the sake of convenience.
The fact that fifty percent of all new marriages fail has already been mentioned several times here.
This certainly wasn't the case in the 1950s - so, what changed?
Part of the answer lies in the way marriage and divorce has evolved as legal concepts, and in
particular, the significant liberalization that has occurred.. Divorce once used to involve long wait
times along with the requirement of “just cause” (Nevada was a notable exception, making it a
popular destination for couples interested in a quick split). Today, however, anybody can seek a
“no-fault” divorce - a process that is much easier and quicker.
The ease with which marriages can be dissolved may make it tempting to just call it quits rather
than tackling the more complex problem of salvaging the relationship. If you are willing to make
the effort though, there are several courses of action available. This, of course, depends on how
willing your partner is to reciprocate the effort.
If your partner is cooperative
Your relationship started with an attraction and a lot of passion and then, finally, you made a
commitment to each other. You might consider taking a few steps backwards, back towards the
beginning, as a way of trying to rekindle the spark. Visit some of the places where you first
discovered your romance and see if you can recapture the mood.
The longer-term issues, however, can only be addressed if you and your partner sit down and
discuss all of your problems and differences. Make a list (yes, an actual list - write it all down) of
everything that bothers you both. Put all of this on the debit side of the ledger. Then record all of
the good things in your relationship, what you like about each other and what is good about your
marriage or partnership. All of this goes on the credit side of the ledger.
Next, go through each item on the debit side one by one. You’ll be surprised how many creative
ways you'll find to fix or alleviate those problems. Once you've gone through it all - addressing the
negatives and emphasizing the positives - both of you should be able to understand and appreciate
the true value of your relationship.
If your partner is uncooperative
Of course, your partner might not be as willing to go through all of this - they may just want out,
despite the history and potential that you see in your relationship. If this is the case, you should
nonetheless try to meet up with them to discuss your options (which, of course, will include
divorce).
In the meantime, you should still draw up your own list of positives and negatives in the
relationship, as talked about in the previous section. Then, make another list of the things that you
think your partner would write.
When you meet with your partner, you can begin by saying, “Indulge me for a couple of minutes.
I think I know what went wrong with our relationship, and I'd like to discuss it. It will only take
a few minutes.”
Next, go over the lists. Read yours first, covering all the good things and then all of the bad things.
Then go over the list you made for your partner and see if they agree with what you put down.
Place emphasis on all the good in your relationship. Follow up by saying, “Given everything that
you and I have invested in this marriage, it would be a big shame to throw it away without even
making an effort to salvage it. We certainly are smart enough and strong enough to make it
work.”
Assuming there haven't been any unpardonable sins committed by either of you, this approach
should at the very least get your partner’s attention and may give you a chance at salvaging your
relationship.
As any up-and-coming salesperson is told, “Don’t forget to close the deal.” You too will need to
close on your argument by saying, “I want to try to save us. Will you work with me?”
Where To From Here?
If you enjoyed this book write a review!
If you enjoyed this book it would mean the world to me if you would please write an honest review
for it because that will help others know what they are going to get and get the same benefits you
have achieved.
I strongly believe that the advice in here can help you save your relationship and you can help too
by spreading the word!
If you think this book could be better in any way you can let me know what needs to be improved
by sending an email to [email protected]
I can then update this and future books and provide the best information so that you and others can
get even more value from it.
Important videos for you to watch ASAP
How to text the romance and spark back into your relationship:
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How to save your marriage
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Pay close attention, because what you’re about to learn in this video will take your marriage from
sour to superb.
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Creating your dream marriage
http://www.seductionsorcery.com/go/createdreammarriage
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