HOW TO INTRODUCE YOUR SPOUSE TO THE BENEFITS OF

Transcription

HOW TO
INTRODUCE YOUR SPOUSE
TO THE BENEFITS OF MEDIATION
Ten Strategies to Get Your Spouse to the Mediation Table
Jeffrey M. Cohen, Esq.
Professional Mediator
Trained by the Harvard Program on Negotiation
and the Cornell ILR Program
Association of Conflict Resolution (ACR) Advanced Practitioner
Member of the ACR “Academy of Family Mediators”
A Practice Concentrating in Mediation Since 1992
Offices Located at
7 Thurlow Terrace
Albany, NY 12203
646 Plank Rd, Ste 206
Clifton Park, NY 12065
Tel.: (518) 436-5409
Fax: (518) 455-8907
Tel.: (518) 371-8608
Fax: (518) 455-8907
www.JCohenMediation.com
My mediation practice is an extension of my world view:
that people in conflict can resolve their disputes peacefully,
while preserving the dignity of each individual.
Since the inception of my mediation practice, I have
striven to provide my clients with the most comprehensive,
ethical and compassionate mediation services available. My
clients have consistently achieved superior settlements which
are tailored specifically to their unique and individual needs
without engaging in costly and time-consuming litigation.
This document is intended to assist those in conflict with
introducing their spouse to the benefits of mediation, and will
also provide you with some information on my background
and credentials.
If you have any questions about my services, please feel
free to contact me. I will be more than happy to provide you
and your spouse with a complimentary consultation to further
acquaint you with my services.
Best Wishes,
Jeffrey M. Cohen, Esq.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION................................................................................................. 4
The Litigated Divorce ...................................................................................................... 4
The Mediated Divorce..................................................................................................... 5
TEN STRATEGIES TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO THE MEDIATION TABLE ... 6
1.
Be Patient............................................................................................................... 7
2.
Suggest Counseling ................................................................................................ 7
3.
Educate Your Spouse ............................................................................................. 8
4.
Make It About the Kids .......................................................................................... 8
5.
Make It About the Money...................................................................................... 9
6.
Make It About the Time......................................................................................... 9
7.
Mediation Is About The Dialogue, Not the Debate ............................................ 10
8.
Make It About Creativity...................................................................................... 10
9.
Make It About the Ethics and Integrity of the Process ....................................... 11
10. Suggest Having A Consultation With A Mediator ............................................... 11
BACKGROUND & TRAINING........................................................................... 12
PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS..................................................................... 14
How to Introduce Your Spouse to the Benefits of Mediation
by Jeffrey M. Cohen Esq., Professional Mediator
INTRODUCTION
When couples separate, one spouse generally makes the decision
to leave the relationship, and the other spouse is left to struggle with that
decision. The person leaving usually has had the “luxury” of an intact
marriage to ponder whether separation is the right choice. That person
may take weeks, months or perhaps even years to finally make the choice
to end the relationship. The other spouse may be completely unaware
that his or her partner has struggled with the decision to
leave. Alternatively, he or she may be aware of problems but may opt to
avoid or ignore them. When the ultimate decision is delivered, that
spouse often has feelings of fear, confusion, abandonment and distrust.
Psychologists will tell you that the anxiety created by this scenario
is one of the greatest stresses that a person may face in his or her
lifetime. In most instances, it is even greater than the loss of a loved one
to death.
Why is this so? The end of a relationship raises so many
fears: fear of being alone, fear relating to the children’s emotional health,
concerns about economic security, fear of being disenfranchised from
children, fear of the court system, and fear of the economic impact that
prolonged litigation will have on the family.
If these concerns were not enough, communication becomes
severely compromised, and each person’s ability to trust one another is
destroyed. Children are exposed to an environment filled with distrust,
anger and icy silence, and they may continue to be exposed to this
atmosphere for years if litigation or negotiation between attorneys moves
slowly.
The Litigated Divorce
Operating out of fear and distrust, parents feel the need to “protect”
themselves. Often, attorneys are immediately retained and lengthy,
stressful and expensive adversarial proceedings ensue, which may
involve court appearances, depositions and conferences in which clients
often feel coerced into settling their cases. These proceedings, which can
last for years, only add greater stress to the existing emotional crisis that
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JCohenMediation.com
already exists. The psychological and economic impact of litigation on a
family can be enormous and, at the end of the process, both parties must
risk a resolution imposed upon them by a judge, who, although competent
and well-meaning, cannot truly know or understand you and your family.
The Mediated Divorce
Participating in mediation has significant advantages over
litigation. In a safe and peaceful atmosphere, the experienced mediator
will use a myriad of psychologically based interventions and techniques to
help you safely and objectively explore settlement options, spark
creativity, avoid or break through impasse and, ultimately, assist you in
creating a comprehensive and creative plan for your future and the future
of your children. This plan is in your own words and follows the rules you
set for yourselves. Superior outcomes are achieved in hours, not
years. The cost of this process is substantially less than conventional
litigation.
This document is intended to provide you with strategies and
talking points that have been helpful in introducing spouses to the benefits
of mediation.
Please remember that a document such as this is merely an
introduction to my practice. In my opinion, it cannot take the place of a
complimentary consultation. If you would like to meet with me, please
contact me for an appointment at either my Albany, New York, office or at
my Clifton Park, New York, office.
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TEN STRATEGIES
TO GET YOUR SPOUSE
TO THE MEDIATION TABLE
A reoccurring theme in my practice is the question of how to convince a
reluctant spouse to participate in mediation. Here’s the scenario:
The person calling me is usually the spouse who is ready to move on. This
individual has contemplated divorce for a long time, has made the
decision to separate and has only recently told his or her spouse of the
intention to leave the relationship. The other spouse is in a state of high
emotional stress. He or she is trying to cope with the loss and is not
emotionally prepared to engage in any process that will result in
separation or divorce. If he/she will not mediate, the other spouse will
commence litigation.
Here are strategies that have brought my clients to embrace mediation.
Some are actual tasks and activities and others are simply ways to frame
your discussions to help your spouse understand the benefits of the
process:
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1. Be Patient
According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, divorce is the
second greatest stress that we can experience in life. Only the loss
of a loved one ranks as a greater stressor. Be considerate Don’t
push. Understand that your spouse may be traumatized and fearful.
Any suggestions or conversations that you have should be firm but
gentle.
The spirit of this conversation: “Although we are
divorcing, we should both be respectful of what
the other is feeling.”

2. Suggest Counseling
Sometimes, engaging in a few counseling sessions can help both of
you obtain the objectivity and emotional safety necessary to explore
the best option for moving forward.
The spirit of this conversation: “A counselor can
help us to have a safe conversation to help us
both understand and accept what is happening to
us.”

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3. Educate Your Spouse
We are never comfortable or safe with what we don’t know. Find
ways to educate your spouse about the mediation process. If he or
she will not discuss it, try sending a link to a mediation website that is
content-driven. That way, your spouse can become acquainted with
the concept of mediation in his or her own time. The message you
should convey is: “how can we achieve a mutually acceptable
outcome” or “how can we find a way to raise our children together”
rather than: “I’m taking you to court”.
The spirit of this approach is: “You will feel safe
and comfortable with mediation if you take the
time to understand it.”

4. Make It About the Kids
Make sure your spouse knows that in mediation, you both will be in
complete control of all decisions regarding the parenting and support
of your children and that you won’t risk uncertain resolutions that can
be imposed upon you by the courts. Instead, spouses work together
to create a tailor-made parenting plan that specifically meets the
needs of their children. When parents work together, they ensure that
their children will not only survive the divorce, but thrive.
The spirit of this conversation: “If we can’t do this
for ourselves, can we work together to protect our
children and ensure their success?”

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5. Make It About the Money
Of the three different processes that are used for divorce - namely
litigation, collaborative law and mediation - mediation is by far the
least expensive and the least time-consuming. As a result, you will
spend significantly less money than either litigating or engaging in the
collaborative law process. The mediation process allows you to
structure mutually acceptable outcomes regarding property division
and related topics.
The spirit of this conversation: “We’ve worked
hard to save our money, let’s not waste it on
litigation.”

6. Make It About the Time
Tell your spouse that the length of the mediation process is
measured in hours, not months or years. The average couple can
complete mediation in five to seven sessions.
The spirit of this conversation: “A protracted
conflict will only be detrimental to our family.”

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7. Mediation Is About The Dialogue,
Not the Debate
Let your spouse know that mediation promotes healthy discussions
that allow you to explore mutually acceptable outcomes.
The spirit of this conversation: “We can work
together to create outcomes that we both find
acceptable.”

8. Make It About Creativity
In mediation, you are not only in control of decisions regarding your
children, you’re also in control of all the economic decisions. The
process will allow you to creatively structure parenting plans and
financial settlements that the courts may not consider.
The spirit of this conversation: “We are in
complete control of developing all decisions, and
we will only agree if we both feel safe and
comfortable with the outcome.”

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9. Make It About the Ethics and Integrity
of the Process
The process of mediation is governed by specific standards of
practice and ethical principles that ensure that participants make safe
and educated choices. The parties can feel safe knowing that
safeguards are in place to assist both parties in making their
decisions.
The spirit of this conversation: “This process has
integrity and will allow us to safely navigate our
divorce on our own terms.”

10. Suggest Having A Consultation
With A Mediator
Find a qualified mediator that will educate both of you about the
mediation process. Preferably, find a mediator who will provide this
service free of charge to negate any excuse about cost. In most
cases, individuals feel better about the process if they feel
comfortable not only with the concept of mediation, but also with the
professional providing the service.
The spirit of this approach is: “You have nothing
to lose by meeting with a mediator to explore
whether the process feels right for you.”

These approaches have been used by my clients successfully to help their
spouses not only accept the fact that they separating, but to also help
them choose the path to a more peaceful divorce. Used with kindness
and understanding, you and your family can reap the benefits of the
mediation process.
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BACKGROUND & TRAINING
Jeffrey M. Cohen has been an attorney and a mediator in private practice
since 1984. His practice has concentrated in the mediation of disputes involving
divorce, separation, business, commercial, organizational and workplace related
issues since 1992.
At present, Mr. Cohen serves on the Board of Directors of the Association
for Conflict Resolution (ACR) (www.acrnet.org) the largest mediation
organization in The United States. Among his various duties, he is the present
Chairman of the ACR Ethics Committee, which is charged with the creation and
promotion of best ethical practices for mediators and other alternative dispute
resolution professionals.
Mr. Cohen has earned the designation of “Advanced Practitioner” from
this organization, and as a result has been admitted to the ACR "Academy of
Family Mediators." This designation requires that he engage in bi-annual
continuing mediation training in order to maintain his status. Since the inception
of his mediation practice, Mr. Cohen has accumulated over 500 hours of specific
mediation training from many of the finest mediation training programs and
individual trainers in both the United States and Canada, including multiple
trainings with The Harvard Program on Negotiation at the Harvard Law School
and The Cornell ILR School.
In addition to his present duties with The Association for Conflict
Resolution (ACR), he has served on the ACR Certification Task Force, a
committee charged with creating specific standards for the certification of
mediators who are members of this organization. Mr. Cohen has also served on
as the Co-Chair of the ACR Legal Committee, as a member of the ACR
Insurance Committee and as a member of the ACR Grievance Committee, where
he co-authored grievance and review standards for complaints made against
members of the organization.
Mr. Cohen has taught numerous continuing legal education courses to his
peers on subjects related to divorce, family law, mediation, and the ethics of
mediation. These courses have been sponsored by such organizations as the
New York State Supreme Court, Appellate Division, Third Department, and the
Albany County Bar Association. In addition, he has guest-lectured on the topic of
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mediation as a method of dispute resolution to numerous organizations and
schools, including Albany Law School and the Association For Conflict
Resolution National Conference, where he lectured on the topics related to
commercial and business mediation. He is a regular guest lecturer at the
Syracuse University School of Human Ecology regarding the Ethics and
Standards of Practice for Mediators.
Mr. Cohen has worked as a contract mediator for the United States Equal
Opportunity Employment Commission regarding issues of employment
discrimination. He has also mediated both commercial conflicts and workplace
disputes for various organizations, including the Social Security Administration.
Mr. Cohen was also a panel mediator for the American Arbitration Association.
Mr. Cohen is also the cofounder and, since 1990, a co-presenter of the
acclaimed “Kids First After Divorce” Program, a New York State certified parent
education program for adults with children who are experiencing divorce or
separation and who seek to learn the effects of divorce and separation.
Participants in this program learn not only the effects of seperation and divorce
on both children and their parents, but also about the court system and
alternatives to litigation.
Mr. Cohen is a “Law Guardian” (trained children’s advocate) certified by
the Appellate Division of the Third Department of the New York State Judiciary
and has taught continuing legal education courses to legal advocates for children
throughout the New York State Third Judicial Department.
Mr. Cohen is also a founding member of Mediators Beyond Borders, a
humanitarian organization that promotes the peaceful resolution of conflict
worldwide.
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PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS

“Advanced Practitioner” with the Association for Conflict Resolution
http://www.acrnet.org/

Member of The Association for Conflict Resolution "Academy of Family
Mediators" (AFM AP)

Member of the Association for Conflict Resolution Family Section
http://www.mediate.com/acrfamily/

Member of the Association for Conflict Resolution Workplace Section
http://www.mediate.com/acrworkplace/

Member of the Association for Conflict Resolution Spirituality Section
http://www.mediate.com/acrspirituality/

Founding Member of Mediators Beyond Borders
http://www.mediatorsbeyondborders.org/

Member, New York State Dispute Resolution Association, Inc.

Former “Panel Mediator” for the American Arbitration Association
http://www.adr.org/
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HOW TO INTRODUCE YOUR SPOUSE TO THE BENEFITS OF

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