Awakening in Nepal - In Balance Ranch Academy

In Balance Times | March 2011
Awakening in Nepal
In Balance Times
March 2011
Part 2
Like everyone else, I have my biases. But I’d like to think that careful, objective thought—not any ingrained prejudice—led me to this subverted paradigm. Contrary to the popular wisdom, I’d venture that a thousand words, when right, are worth more than a picture. Heck, I’d go so far to say that a thousand well-­‐
chosen words are worth more than a handful of pictures. What is the value of international experience? The question is asked from the wall, pegged in the middle of a wheel of artistic photography. The question serves as an introspective center, grounding the display, as the eye is caught by an adolescent Westerner riding an elephant (adventure), to a camera caught smile between souls—one a young man in a cowboy hat, the other embodied cuteness in an African orphan—representing “connection.” The wheel in the sky keeps on turning: a student draped between Sanyassin, orange-­‐painted foreheads, wispy gray hair a world away (knowledge); a burdened hiker stares at the challenge rising, enormously, before him (challenge). Around it goes, pictures representing various other values: empathy, diversity, healing, and service. A careful reader might have realized, in terms of our debate, that each picture has a word already attached-­‐-­‐narrowing considerably conventional wisdom’s ratio of words to picture. While true, it’s not my point. I wish to argue that words can weigh more than a picture, not the same. At the end of last week, it was plopped in my lap. How long had it been there? An assignment turned in, the first student to complete the entire Nepal curriculum had handed me a gift. Here, sitting unnoticed for a day was the Nepal trip experience I wanted for this newsletter. Here, its beauty neglected for too long, was the completed assignment I had envisioned when designing the curriculum. In the end, the paper answered two questions. First, it answered the assigned final essay: Most of what you learned on the trip—most of what you learn at the Ranch—is geared toward transformation. The Nepal experience, specifically the Guru’s lectures and intensive, daily meditation, insists on enjoying life and discovering your true nature devoid of material attachment. Everything studied for this course, specifically Siddhartha and The Power of the Dharma, focused on ancient, Eastern Wisdom and the power of internal growth to change external circumstance. Is any of it applicable to your life? How has applying what you learned, in this course’s books and through experiencing Nepal, changed your life? What did you learn in the process? The other question the paper answered is the one poised on the wall: What is the value of international experience? One can’t help but be struck by the impact the experience had on this young man. Through his written re-­‐telling, one gleans a clear glimpse of just all the value an international experience holds. Three answered questions. That’s what I’m hoping to get out of this paper. Maybe it will prove once and for all that the inverse is true: a thousand words is worth more than a picture. In Balance Times
March 2011
Living in the Present Moment:
A Spiritual Awakening
had a solution at last in my life to mental torments. Matt T. (Photos: Kevin T.—Alumni)
Most of my life up to my current work at In Balance Ranch Academy in Tombstone, Arizona, has been obscured by worry and mental torments at large. Always wondering what would come next, I was a frightened child, lonely without any divine presence in my life. Guilt and shame played a large part in growing up, in addition to panic, depression, and insomnia. I was a shy boy and around the age of 14, I turned to drugs as my answer. I found that when I got high, I could get a temporary relief in my life, feeling okay about myself and not so lonely or scared. I began smoking salvia and marijuana, drinking alcohol, and huffing nitrous oxide. Kamala kissed him deeply, and to Siddhartha’s great astonishment he felt how much she taught him, how clever she was, how she mastered him, repulsed him, lured him, and how after this long kiss, a long series of other kisses, all different, awaited him. He stood still breathing deeply. At that moment he was like a child astonished at the fullness of knowledge and learning which unfolded itself before his eyes. (Hesse, 57) Like Siddhartha entering the world of Samsara, this period created an epiphany within me that I Caught up in ambition and education, I realized that there was an easier way to get high without getting with drug dealers and breaking the law, both of which could threaten my future. My psychiatrist prescribed me Klonopin as needed for my generalized anxiety disorder and panics. When I first took this medication, I felt a euphoria which, though synthetic, was the most spiritual moment I had ever experienced in my life. All the worry manufactured by my mind dissipated with the benzo and I felt comfortable being myself. I couldn’t help but break into a grin and start laughing at this joyful prospect. Thus began my dependence on Class IV controlled substances. For sleep, I took Sonata and Ambien, and before doing anything I needed my Klonopin, which I discovered via In Balance Times
March 2011
sublingual dissolve could reach my brain in the shortest period of time. It was here that I began to further experiment, popping and snorting other peoples’ prescription pills…I needed to be high or low to escape the hole inside me. Withdrawals from benzodiazepines and marijuana became regular. I couldn’t sleep or eat properly, I was experiencing tremors and panic attacks several times a day, and I became suicidal, telling my teachers I was going to kill myself and thinking of the easiest way to end this life. Like a veil, like a thin mist, a weariness settled on Siddhartha, slowly, every day a little thicker, every month a little darker, every year a little heavier. As a new dress grows old with time, loses its bright color, becomes stained and creased, the hems frayed, and here and there weak and threadbare places, so had Siddhartha’s new life which he had begun after his parting from Govinda, become old. (Hesse, 78) Like that, this weariness of Samsara had settled over me, as most of my values crawled toward a steady conciliation. I was treating everyone around me dreadfully, exploiting their love and compassion for my condition. People in my life who cared for me were now commodities. It was here that I had to make an ultimatum. After overdosing on Xanax several times in school and confessing to teachers I was suicidal, I got suspended until a shrink could verify that I wasn’t a threat to myself, my peers, or my teachers. My girlfriend at the time gave me the decisions of having her leave me or going to treatment, so after six months of avoiding help from my outpatient rehab, I agreed to leave home for an inpatient treatment center. I gave my mother the white flag and asked for help and a few days later I was off to Pennsylvania. It was here that I was introduced to recovery and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I now believe to have saved my life from my brain disease. After a relapse, it was decided that I would continue treatment at the Ranch, where I now live. It’s been here at the Ranch that I’ve started to do the serious emotional and spiritual work, laying the foundation for my happiness and sobriety. In Balance Times
March 2011
union with God. And the highest union is through love and devotion, or bhakti. Thus bhakti-­‐yoga, the process of loving devotion to the Lord, is the epitome of following Sanatana-­‐
dharma. Making this the goal of our life means we are living a life of dharma. And the ultimate goal of dharma is to reach God. (Knapp, 57) At the Ranch, I was offered the opportunity to go on a trip to Nepal. I went to the country of Malawi in Africa when I was 16 years old, where I got to sightsee, help build a school, teach English, and share cultures with the villagers. Unfortunately, I spent much of this trip under the influence of Klonopin and marijuana. Thus, I found the Nepal trip was an opportunity God was placing in my life to experience a foreign culture and service the needy again, without the help of psychotropic substances. I gained more than cultural exchange and a sense of service in my trip to Nepal. I experienced the greatest spiritual awakening of my life to this day. Therefore, the purpose of life is to follow the path of dharma, which will bring us to the conclusion of recognizing that everything is the energy of God, Brahman. Following this further, the path of dharma will bring us into I believe that my realization in Nepal was a result of the fact that I was following Sanatana-­‐
dharma, living a life of dharma. I believe that by following God’s Love, I was granted His Grace and His Strength. God met me where I was at and revealed Himself to me, and I finally understood many simple truths of the world that I had heard before from others, but could never fully grasp. God charmed me with the opportunity to take part in this trip at the optimal point in my life. The night before, I had a deep conversation with a spiritual mentor of mine in the fellowship. After speaking to him about my emotions, my spirit, and my ultimate desire to share intimacy with other human beings, he mentioned something about himself that also In Balance Times
March 2011
It was in this first portion of the trip when I felt the love and power of God and sensed more than ever the Power of the Dharma applied to me. Thus, I made an emotional breakthrough during this conversation and had a sort of epiphany. I realized that “if people don’t pick up that I’m feeling bad, I’ll resent them even though I don’t communicate my feelings well and like to appear that everything’s okay” (11.29.2010). From the second we descended the plane in Nepal, I was “overwhelmed [by] smells very similar to Malawi—my olfactory bulb was instantly flooded and I could feel myself in Africa, something I forgot much of in my drug induced state of the last couple years” (12.2.2010). Digging up feelings from my past, I was able to make a profound realization and grow closer to God than I have ever been. “When I realize all I have is now, I find this wonderful load-­‐off-­‐of-­‐
my-­‐back-­‐peace-­‐and-­‐serenity feeling” (12.5.2010). I believe that God put this trip in my life to deepen my understanding of Him. Sometimes people misunderstand that the acceptance of karma, that a person is suffering because of his or her own previous actions, negates the efforts and reasons for assisting in the relief of the suffering of others. A person’s actions will certainly produce various results according to their positive or negative qualities. But this does not mean that we should interpret everything that happens to a person in such a way and then become indifferent or callous. Whenever we see the suffering of others we should try to assist them.” (Knapp, 108) In Balance Times
March 2011
Just like when I had first joined 12 step recovery and I had to disregard the deep feelings of shame in my stomach and stop being a victim for the things I had done in my past, I had to get over the shame and guilt of being a rich, white, privileged American. I couldn’t get sober until I had total faith in God, accepted my shortcomings, and began to help others; likewise, when I drove by the impoverished Nepalese people, it was imperative that I see them in a different light if I were to be of service. In Nepal, I made the decision to be freed from shame and not carry around negative feelings anymore. Instead, I put my focus into doing whatever actions I can do in the present moment to help someone. Past the shame problem, I still had worry and other mental torments which removed me from ease of wellbeing in this life. However, in Nepal, I was given moments of total bliss. “What makes one moment any better than the next? I can’t ever be anything but me. Now” (12.2.2010). Surrounded by the spiritual magic of Nepal and caught by surprise on bumpy bus rides in between sightseeing and cultural events, I experienced moments free from the mental torments of this life, moments where I was granted total serenity and freedom from all thought, except those simple thoughts pertaining to the present moment. “I’ve already lived satisfaction to its fullest. I was miserable, detached, blind. I can actually feel this happiness” (12.5.2010). I transcended this life and was given a few days with my Creator, in the purest form of my spirit. The rest of my trip to Nepal was spent trying to put in the effort so that I could stay the closest to this spiritual feeling as possible. Whenever I found myself under the corroding influence of fear, I tried to confront it, trusting God and doing what I had to. I was determined to now live in God’s will and not in fear’s. Indeed, learning from Yogi was another vital experience in the spiritual enrichment I found in Nepal. “He speaks in an emotional/spiritual level of love. The man literally radiates happiness—it’s impossible not to smile when I’m around him” (12.14.2010). I knew Yogi had something I wanted, so I spent that week studying the yoga, meditating, breathing, chanting, and ideas he presented me with. In Balance Times
March 2011
Yogi taught me that “names are limitations to life” (Yogi). When I call myself American, or I state my religious beliefs or the color of my skin or my age, I am limiting myself to others and to life’s opportunities. “Life is all giving—give yoga, give beauty, give music, give happiness” (Yogi). With the most sincere grin on his face, I couldn’t help but see the simple truth to Yogi’s words of advice. Now having completed my 5th, 6th, and 7th steps, I have experienced the psychic change that Alcoholics Anonymous speaks of. “I see a golden Buddha, radiating light, positioned at a shallow incline above my temple, transferring wisdom to my consciousness” (meditations). I can literally feel my spirit rising within myself, and I believe that I have undergone an absolute transformation in which I now experience life and service my fellows. Now that I experience happiness, joyousness, and freedom for the first time, I now aspire to pass this wisdom on to my fellows at the Ranch and abroad. Beginning to practice the asanas or postures of yoga, the pranayama or breathing exercises, and the dhyana or meditation, all parts of the Eightfold Path Yogi taught, I noticed the change taking place within myself. I had a simple ease of wellbeing when I was in Nepal, and when I take part in this spiritual program here at the Ranch, I notice simplistic, intuitive thoughts and actions flowing into my life. “I float slowly into the center of the earth…I smile gently, feeling very much a part of” (meditations). God shows himself when I do the work and when I let Him. In Balance Times
March 2011
the lamps that would be on your bedside dress, rather the lamp that is used in flame-­‐work designed to shoot an extremely hot flame at glass in order for it physical structure to be altered. Sonoran Desert Academy
Alex B.
Eight students were given the opportunity of going to Tucson, Arizona by a proposal written by our very own Mike K. Mike wrote the proposal and went through various steps in order to get the idea approved. Mike and his mother went to Tucson on one of his off-­‐
campus visits in November, returning to the Ranch with two pieces of glass that he and his mother had blown. The ranch has arranged with the Sonoran Art Academy to have an instructor teach three different groups of eight guys the basics of sculpting with this very difficult material. Upon arriving, we were bombarded with seeing other people’s pieces, most on display extremely complex looking. I do not think their full complexity was appreciated until after testing the water for ourselves. We turned the torches on we were off to the races. With this flame we were shown new, endless possibilities. The Ranch gave seven other guys and me the opportunity to use this new medium to express ourselves. This new medium, of course, is a 3000 degree form of Silicon dioxide; because of its extremely high temperature compared to that of regular glass, it has a large viscosity. As soon as we got there, we were all set up on lamps. These lamps were specially designed for glass blowing. When I say lamps, I do not mean Our first project was to be a reddish-­‐orange sunset colored mushroom encapsulated in a clear glass bead. In Balance Times
March 2011
Drumming
Everyone was overconfident from the start. The finished project looked unique. It also looked really easy to do by our instructor (who had 9 years of experience). An hour later, on what was a five minute project by our instructor, the majority of us had finished a lopsided ball of clear glass that was not, in the least bit, spherical. Inside of it was a stem, where the mushroom had not expanded. Despite the finishing product not being symmetrical, all of the guys walked away with the beginning of a new set of skills. One of the most prevalent skills of all was the newfound patience that all of us acquired. At the end of our session we were all reassured that flame work has a very steep learning curve that is usually around 4 to 5 years. Having heard that, most of us gained this serious desire to keep coming back for the next 2 other weeks provided in our specific session and so we will. Cade C.
Christie Santiago began hosting a traditional drumming circle every Sunday as an extra option for Sunday specials. Many others, including myself, had a preconceived, pessimistic view of the class, but it exceeded my expectations. It ends up being the highlight of the week.
The class began with learning simple, rhythmic beats and also sitting in a circle and “jamming out” as a group. With only a few hours a week, our instructor does a fantastic job of discussion the origin and introducing us to a very different culture. Each week we discuss the drum itself called the doumbek or also referred to as the doumtek. We then learn about the origin of the beats which mostly include Middle Eastern, with a few African. The current beats that we have been working on include: the Maqsuum, Walking Maqsuum, Ayoub (more commonly referred to as “kill the drummer”), Gwazi, Zar, Bayou, Baladi, Masmuudii, and the Kar Atshi. While playing each of the different rhythms, we also learn each of the notes associated with the doumbek. These notes are the doum, tek, and cah, and are affiliated with each and every beat learned so far. In Balance Times
At first I thought there was no way this could be challenging, but that was very bold. In such songs as the Ayoub (usually played with dancers), as the rhythm progresses so does the speed of which you play the doumbek. Everyone who has attended the class seems to be interested and enjoys learning about a new culture and the entertainment behind it. March 2011