No Dad, not the hat The parents were driving me

No Dad, not the hat
The parents were driving me mad. Luke's girlfriend was coming for Christmas and it
had sent the whole house into a state. I wasn't impressed; I didn't want a stranger
hanging round, having to have the old jokes explained to her, expecting small talk when I
was slumping on the sofa in a post-turkey daze. Mum was getting excited about having a
guest, I was worried that all the comfortable traditional food I was looking forward to
was going to transform into a four course dinner with canapés. Currently she was
fretting about beds.
"Where should we put her?" she asked Dad.
"In with Luke I assume. Stop pulling your sour spinster face. When he rang he
specifically used the word girlfriend. Not friend; girlfriend. Presumably with all that
entails. Bung them in Luke's room and leave them to it."
"I don't know Dave, maybe she'll be embarrassed in our house. Perhaps she'd prefer the
spare room."
"The only one who's embarrassed is you. I never had you down as prudish."
"Perhaps we ought to speak to Luke?"
Dad exploded with laughter. "Off you go then."
"Oh. I thought you might do it."
"Hello Luke, Dad here. Are you and your girlfriend going to get down and dirty under the
family roof while your mother's watching Downton Abbey?"
"Don't be disgusting. In front of Kate too."
"Let's ask Kate what she thinks."
"No don't. This is a conversation I want no part of."
"Anne, calm down. They're not teenagers."
Mum sighed. "I know, I know. It just makes me a bit uncomfortable. Anyway, Luke's only
got a single bed in his room."
"I'm sure they'll manage." Mum narrowed her eyes at his lewd grin.
"Wait till it's Kate" she said.
"Mum!"
Dad stared at me and shuddered. "Yeuch"
"Dad!"
I ran away to my room. What would they have said if I'd told them that, in my
experience, two people could sleep quite comfortably in a single bed? I remembered my
panic when Mum opened the bedroom door, the wicked sparkle in Tick's eyes as he lay
still under the quilt. He said it wasn't magic, but his ability to change what people
thought they saw felt like magic to me. Not that we'd been "getting down and dirty" as
my father so humorously calls it. His face had been a picture when I'd told him to get
into bed; always careful not to hurt me, he'd never have accepted under normal
circumstances. And if I hadn't seen how exhausted he was, sex the last thing on either of
our minds, I'd never have invited him. It had led to a perfect moment though. Waking
that morning, Tick sleeping curled against my back, feeling his relaxed even breathing
against my hair after the horror of the previous couple of days, the memory still had a
golden glow. I'd been rummaging through my memories a lot lately, drawing them out
and sinking into them. The weeks I'd been off school had been wonderful, he'd been
with me every day as promised. At first we'd argued; he still wanted to resign, horrified
that our bond had led to me being injured by one of the creatures he'd been sent to
protect my world from, but I wouldn't let him. Hiding my own fears I'd held firm, I knew
he loved his job, I wouldn't be the reason he gave it up. But now he was hardly around. I
knew he saw me whenever he could; I wasn't complaining, but I was missing him more
and more as time dragged on. Every night when I went to bed I hoped to dream of him,
that he'd manage to snatch enough time to send me his thoughts even if he couldn't send
me a gift. I wished I knew how he did it, that I could learn to send my thoughts to him.
Luke eventually turned up, Eve in tow. I came home to find them both sitting in the
kitchen drinking tea. Mum kept saying they'd be more comfortable in the sitting room,
fussing round with posh biscuits; I could see a long hard Christmas of hostessing ahead of
us. Eve sat quietly, clutching her mug, answering briefly if directly spoken too, letting
Luke answer for her half the time. Luke was in high spirits. He and Dad were showing
off with witty banter; the pleasure I'd felt on seeing him soon dissipated under the
pressure of their humour, it was as if he'd never been away.
"Kate, come and meet Eve" called Mum too loudly. Eve blushed and ducked her head.
"Hi" she muttered into her mug.
"Hi" I mumbled back.
"Do you want a cup of tea?" asked Dad. I was going to say no but Eve looked so
bombarded I thought she could do with some support. I sat opposite her, giving her my
most friendly smile. I got a ghost of shy smile back, Luke beamed at me.
"So how's my baby sister?" he wanted to know. "I've told Eve all about you." I scowled at
him as Eve giggled.
"Don't believe a word of it" I told her. "Luke's just an abominable liar with his head up
his bum."
"Hey! Less of that please." I was threatening Mum's magazine photo-shoot Christmas.
"We haven't seen Luke since September. It's lovely to have him back with us. And Eve of
course." Eve retreated back into her hunched shoulders. I hoped they'd all calm down
soon.
The next day was Christmas Eve and I was dragged out of bed to help with Mum's ever
growing list of essential jobs. No sign of Luke and Eve getting up to help; they'd gone out
the previous evening, getting home after we'd all gone to bed. I was making stuffing,
Grandma's old recipe, when Luke wandered into the kitchen with Eve tucked in behind
his left shoulder. Glad of the break from peeling chestnuts (you can buy them in jars, I
don't think Mum needs to be so precious) I put the kettle on.
"Do you want tea or coffee?" I asked Eve.
"Whatever you're making."
"I can make either, what do you want?"
"We'll have coffee" said Luke. Eve nodded.
"Good night?" I asked him.
"Okay I guess."
"Blown away by your enthusiasm."
"Just showing Eve the old home town."
"You sound just like Dad."
"Oh crap. Really?"
I hadn't managed to upset him this much in ages, and I hadn't even been trying. "It was
bound to happen eventually, I'd just assumed it would take longer. Like about fifty years
longer." I tried to catch Eve's eye as I laughed but she was looking at Luke. Silence fell as
we drank our coffee. I was pleased to see him but I couldn't think of anything to say to
him.
"How's the new house?" I asked
"Yeah, great. Better than the old one."
"Less mould" said Eve.
"Better for parties. This one's got a humungous living room; it's got an arch through to
the kitchen, so they couldn’t turn it into another bedroom, had to leave it for our sitting
room. And it's just round the corner from Nellies so everyone comes back to ours."
"Nellies?"
"Elephant And Castle. Brilliant pub. Longest happy hour in the known universe. You
should come up, we'll take you there. Yeah, why don't you come for a visit? We'll drag
you round all the best places, there's a lot going on up there, you'll be surprised." I
doubted it would be a surprise, all Luke talked about when he came home were the pubs
clubs and gigs he'd been to. This was the first time I'd been invited, I thought I'd better
grab it quick.
"That would be great. When can I come?"
"Any time you like. Just turn up with your sleeping bag and the sofa's yours."
Okay, I'll hold you to that. Can I bring Emma and Chloe?"
I thought I'd blown it but after a pause he said "Sure, why not. There's only one sofa
though."
"We'll be fine on the floor. Thank you."
"And keep that crazy Emma under control." I wondered whether to point out that he'd
barely seen her for ages, she wasn't the thirteen year old he remembered, but I decided it
was safest to let it drop. The door was kicked open and Mum swung in with two huge
carrier bags. I jumped back to my chestnuts.
"Luke; good. Could you get the rest out of the car for me?" Mum collapsed onto a chair
as Luke, followed by Eve, went to carry the shopping.
"Luke's invited me up to Sheffield" I said as they came back in. If I had witnesses he
couldn't change his mind or conveniently forget.
"That sounds nice." Mum liked it when we showed signs of getting on. "Don't let him
teach you bad ways." I ignored her roguish grin, Luke rolled his eyes at Eve who giggled.
I admit it, I woke early on Christmas morning. You think you're getting adult and
sophisticated then you're wide awake at six o'clock on the twenty-fifth of December and
all the cynicism and maturity you've worked on all year has disappeared. I crept
downstairs and turned the tree lights on. Dad caught me rummaging in the presents,
checking the labels for my name. I gave him a hard stare, daring him to make a comment
about still being his baby, but he just grinned.
"Merry Christmas Kittycat." He kissed the top of my head. "All the big ones are for me."
"In your dreams. I got you socks. So did Mum. In fact I think everyone's got you socks
this year."
"Just so long as they don't have cartoon pictures on. What about that shiny one there?
That looks like it should have my name on."
"Nope. That's Luke's."
"What about that one?"
"It's not very sock shaped."
"Ha! Look! To Dad from Luke and Eve!" He waved it in front of my face then shook it
experimentally against his ear.
"Careful, it could be fragile. "Luke and Eve"? That's bit official isn't it?"
"What do you mean?" He was replacing the parcel tenderly as if that would counteract its
previous shaking.
"A bit coupley. You know."
"It's just because she's here too. I wouldn’t read too much into it." How many of these
are yours?"
"Loads. More than yours."
"Maybe. We'll have to wait and see. Now, as you're up, I'm sure we can find you
something to do."
"Is there a list? I'm sure other families don't run Christmas like a military campaign."
"We'd better get the kettle on. I promised your mother a cup of tea in bed but you
distracted me with the presents."
"We? We'd better get the kettle on?"
"Where's my Christmas hat?"
I hurried after him. "No Dad, not the hat."
He did wear his hat. Every year I hope Mum's accidentally lost it but it always turns
up. It's a stupid furry Santa hat; red and floppy with a greying fluffy pompom that
dangles down the back, swinging round at times of excitement to bat him in the eye in a
way that I'd found amusing many years ago. Luke was pleased to see the hat. I couldn't
understand it, we'd used to hate it equally but last year he'd greeted it like an old friend.
This year he was threatening to get one of his own. I vowed that if that happened I'd
start spending Christmas somewhere else.
"But who would have you?" Luke asked. "If you had a boyfriend his parents might take
pity on you. Let's face it, he would've taken pity on you to ask you out in the first place."
"Luke! That will do." snapped Mum.
"I'm only teasing her."
"Well don't."
"She can take it. She knows I'm only joking."
"Kate does have a boyfriend" said Dad mildly.
"No! Really? A proper one?"
"What's an improper boyfriend?" asked Dad. "No, don't answer that."
"Yes, a proper one" I told him.
"Good for you. Must have nerves of steel to be going out with you. When am I going to
meet him?"
"Never if I get my way."
"In about an hour" said Mum. "He's coming for dinner with Jasper."
"No he's not" I said, "he's away."
"Well, wherever he was, he's back. Jasper just rang to say lay another place."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Are you sure he's your boyfriend?" asked Luke. I gave him the nastiest look I could
manage.
"Surprise!" shouted Jasper as I opened the door. He flourished his arms as if he'd just
pulled Tick out of a hat or something. I barely noticed. Tick put out his hand and I
stepped forward to take it, Tick's other hand was on Jasper's back, pushing him gently as
he gathered up his bags of presents.
"All right, all right, I'm going" he muttered as he half shut the door behind him.
Ignoring the Merry Christmas cries behind me I squeezed his hand. "You're here."
"Just about. I didn't send any message, wasn't sure if I could make it, didn't want to get
your hopes up."
"Where's Tick?" asked Dad's voice in the hall.
"Later" he whispered, touching his forehead to mine, then the door opened and we were
plummeted back into Christmas.
Tick kept a firm hold of my hand as we walked in but an anguished shriek from Mum
in the kitchen called me away. When I got there she was balancing a huge roasting tray
half in and half out of the oven.
"Dad could have done this" I grumped as I rescued her. Tick laughed loudly in the other
room, when she heard his voice she looked guilty.
"Sorry Kate, I didn't think." I could feel myself getting red, I hoped she'd think it was the
heat from the oven.
"Doesn't matter" I mumbled.
"Go back to the others, I can manage now."
He was in an armchair on the far side of the room. Jasper handed me a glass, I
hesitated then sat on the floor by the door, leaning against the wall; Luke and Mum had
made me self-conscious. Sipping my drink, I wished I wished I’d gone to sit by Tick, but
I’d bottled it. Eve had her back to the sofa, leaning sideways against Luke's leg. I should
have done that, but now it was too late. Standing up again and walking across the room
would make everyone look at me, I couldn't pull it off without blushing and that would
make me easy prey for Luke. Tick was admiring Dad's hat, as Dad preened he gave me a
fleeting wink before returning to his teasing flattery. Luke and Jasper started chanting.
"Presents! Presents!"
"Wait for me!" squeaked Mum from the kitchen.
"Hurry up woman" roared Jasper.
"Give me a hand and I'll be out quicker!" Dad scurried out to a round of applause from
Jasper. Eve looked quite startled by all the noise; I always knew my family wasn't normal.
Tick's present was tiny, I hadn't seen at first that it was from him because it was
wrapped in the same paper that Jasper had used, Jasper always gives everyone lots of
small jokey gifts and I'd assumed it was one of those. He was watching me, his expectant
smile fading when I shot him a horrified look. He frowned a quizzical look at me as he
came over.
"I didn't get you anything."
"So?"
"I'm so sorry. I didn't expect you to be here."
"It doesn’t matter."
"But everyone will think it's odd. It never occurred to me, I don't expect you to do human
things like Christmas. If I had a normal boyfriend I'd have bought him a present even
though I wasn't going to see him on the day. I should have bought you a present, I don't
know why I didn't think of it. It never occurred to me."
"You're babbling." He shut me up with a rapid peck on my lips; I shot an embarrassed
glance over his shoulder but everyone was busy unwrapping.
He made himself more comfortable next to me. "No-one will notice. I promise." The
paper was a bit creased, the pieces of tape too large; it had rushed written all over it.
Inside was a bundle of fine white cloth which slid apart to reveal a string of silky pearly
beads on a silver chain. The surface sheen was glossy but transparent, drawing the eye
into a rich cloudy depth that shimmered between all the colours and settled on none.
Stunned, I lifted the chain and watched the reflected lights from the Christmas tree gleam
and shimmer warmly, drawn from the surface into the milky centres of the stones. He
was watching me closely, eyes bright with pleasure, as I cupped the string with my other
hand, pooling the beads into my palm.
"It's beautiful. Thank you." I turned and kissed him without even thinking to check that
no-one was looking.
He stroked one of the stones in my hand. "They're called shoomi stones" he said very
quietly. "Aren't they lovely?"
"Where do..." His slight frown stopped me.
"Later." The catch was unfamiliar and he showed me how to work it, then I lifted my hair
and twisted round so that he could do it up. He stroked one finger gently along my collar
bone as I turned back.
Dad put his cracker hat on over his Santa hat. I ignored him. Luke took a picture of
him smugly brandishing the carving knife.
"What are you going to do with that?" Dad asked.
"Already posting it." Luke was tapping at his phone.
"You could have let me straighten my hats."
"No, I think it was perfect like that."
Dad deflated suddenly. "What if my pupils see it? It's not funny Kate."
I could barely talk. "Yes it is."
"I'll lose authority. You know what the little buggers are like." The pompom swung
round as he sat suddenly. My stomach hurt with laughing.
"Don't worry about it Dave. The internet is crammed with stupid photos of dads in hats.
Why should anyone you know ever see it?" Mum's sympathy was weakened by ending in
a splutter.
"Depends how I tag it." Luke looked at him across the table. "What's it worth to you?"
"Careful boy; you might give your old Dad a heart attack" Jasper sat back, enjoying the
sight of Dad, hats sliding sideways, staring at Luke. I thought he was overdoing the
speechless horror, but it was funny.
Because I'd had to help Mum with serving the food I hadn't managed to sit next to
Tick at dinner. I tried not to make it obvious that I was more interested in watching him
than eating my turkey. Luke was telling him all about some archaeological thing, and
Tick looked much more interested than I'd have been.
"No-one's seen anything quite like it." Luke waved his fork enthusiastically, ignoring
Mum's swipe about table manners. "It was very deep in the ground, only found because
they're digging the foundations for a big tower block. It must have been deliberately
buried there, there's been no other finds on the site."
"What does that mean?" Tick wanted to know.
"There's no sign of any settlement, not even a nomads camp. It's as if someone travelled
to a place where no-one went then buried this box really deep."
"Why would they do that?"
"That can't be what really happened, we just don't understand yet. They've applied to
extend the dig, I wish I could get on it."
"Is that possible?"
"Everyone wants to be there. They'll take some students but I'm not holding my breath."
I tuned out, happy to focus on Tick's hands, the long fingers pale against his fork. He
reached for his glass and I watched the muscles of his arm move smoothly under his
shirt. My eyes continued up to his shoulder then slid to his open collar. The skin at the
base of his neck was smooth and golden, it fascinated me; I could look at it for hours. His
chin moved and I realised he was looking at me. As our eyes met he flashed me an
incredibly suggestive look before instantly turning back to Luke. Scarlet, I concentrated
on my plate, desperately hoping that no-one had seen.
When dinner was finished I made a half-hearted show of helping Mum clear the table
then headed for the sitting-room. Holding on tightly to my glass I walked right across the
room to Tick. I sat on the arm of his chair and he rested his hand in the small of my
back. No-one noticed, it was that simple. Although I felt as if every eye was tracking my
short walk and riveted on me perched there, his hand huge where it touched me, the
reality was that I hadn’t even caused a ripple in their conversations. I relaxed, letting my
arm fall casually so that my hand was on his knee.
"Kate, what did you get under the tree?" asked Mum.
"Luke gave me a book with pictures of stupid animals from the internet and some
chocolate." I suddenly realised that I’d been absentmindedly stroking Tick’s leg in small
circles. My hand froze as I forced my tongue to keep talking. "Jasper gave me loads of
little things like he always does. A woolly hat and some pencils shaped like vegetables.
Oh, and a book about art that looks really interesting."
"Is that a new necklace?"
"Tick gave it to me."
"It's very nice." I took it off and handed it to her so that she could see it better. She gave
Tick a suspicious look.
"It is nice isn't it" he agreed. "I don't know how they get the glass to look like that. It
wasn't very expensive, I found it in a gift shop."
Luke stood up. "Would anyone like a drink while I'm going? Tea coffee, wine?
Anything while I'm in the kitchen? Mum would you like some more ice in that?" This
was new, I was beginning to suspect that my brother had suddenly turned into an adult.
Eve followed him out.
"Fantastic meal as usual Anne." Jasper was slumped so far back in the sofa he was
practically horizontal.
"Good to have cheesecake this year" I said, "no-one likes Christmas pudding."
"We oldies do, but I thought Eve might prefer a choice."
"Can we have it next year too?" After all my worrying the only change to the menu had
been one that I'd welcomed.
"Don't know why you bothered, Mouse will have whatever you're making" yawned Dad
from deep in his chair.
"Shhh, she'll hear you." Mum frowned at my giggling. "And stop calling her Mouse."
When Luke came back with a tray, Eve tight behind him, it nearly set off my giggles again.
"What did you get for Christmas Tick?" asked Mum. I tensed slightly, but Tick
answered immediately.
"New phone." He pulled it out of his pocket and showed her.
"It looks very fancy." Mum took it gingerly, Luke was laughing at her.
"Fancy? Very technical Mum."
"Well, I have trouble with these modern devices. I like my phone."
"The brick? You haven't still got that have you?"
"I know how to use it. It does everything I need."
Luke took the phone from Mum. "What's the battery life?" he asked Tick.
"I don't know yet, I only got it today. You must give me your number before I go" he said
to me.
"Can't you transfer from your old phone?" asked Luke. Tick made a vague wave with his
hand and Luke forgot the question, fiddling happily with the phone's menu and asking
about the settings.
Jasper made getting out of the sofa into a huge performance of groaning and lurching.
Eventually he was upright.
"Well, I think it's time for me to wish everyone a festive goodnight. You fit Tick?" I went
to stand but Tick pulled gently on the back of my top.
"He'll be ages yet" he murmured. Jasper kissed Eve on the cheek and clapped Luke on
the shoulder. Mum and Dad accompanied him into the hall and Luke and Eve took the
excuse to escape upstairs. I didn't blame her, a whole day of my family in festive mood
would be hard going for anyone. Jasper was still chuntering away in the hall about the
loveliness of the meal and his presents; Tick moved his hand from my back to my waist
and I twisted round so that I was leaning against the arm that circled me.
“It's nice to see you in a skirt, you usually wear trousers.” I followed his eyes down,
twisting had pulled my dress very high up my thighs. I went to hitch it down but he
caught my hand. “Don’t do that, I’m enjoying myself.” His eyes ran over my exposed legs
until I was blushing
“Behave yourself! Dad will catch you!” He stood, lifting me with him so that we were
standing facing each other.
“I always behave myself.” I pressed my forehead against his, giggling at his rueful face.
"I didn't give you my number" he said. "I'll send you a text when I get home then you'll
have it. I can get your number from Jasper, it was him that gave me the phone. He said if
I was daft enough to have a human girlfriend I'd need a human phone because they love
their phones more than they love their men." Jasper, having struggled into his coat and
made a big fuss over finding his scarf, was starting to make impatient noises. Tick kept
his arm round me, his hand loose on my hip, while he said goodbye to Mum and Dad and
thanked them politely for a lovely day. Then he dropped a swift kiss onto my mouth and
followed Jasper.
His text came through just after I went to bed. I lay on the pillow staring at the screen;
I had no idea how to reply.
"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
Everything?
I slept in late the next day, when I picked up my phone there were three messages
waiting for me.
Chloe's said "holy cow batman theyre driving me crazy crazy crazy shoot me now."
I grinned and sent back "grit teeth and think of presents".
Emma said "happy crimbo what you doing today want to come round & see my new
stuff?"
"cant family xmas still officially happening not allowed out till tomorrow"
"Good morning. Are you up yet? Can I come round?" I'd left Tick's till last because I was
feeling guilty; I hadn't replied last night, I'd accidentally fallen asleep while trying to
compose something adequate. My standard reply to a text that isn't a question is "k" or,
to Mum who's easily confused, "ok". If appropriate I'll send "k x" but how can you reply
"k x" to a proper poem?
"yes please poem was beautiful thank you so much X X X X." Well it wasn't Shakespeare
but it would have to do.
"Hello Tick, is Jasper with you?" Mum had beaten me to the door.
"He says he'll be round later, in plenty of time for tea. Though I can't believe he'd have
room the amount you fed him yesterday."
"Would you like anything? There's plenty of cold meat. Maybe a piece of Christmas Cake?
Can I get you a drink?"
"I expect he's here to see Kate" called Dad from the front room.
"Oh yes, well, Kate can sort you out something." Abashed, Mum made her retreat.
"Hey" he said putting out his hand.
"Hey." I took the offered hand and led him to the kitchen. "Do you want something to
eat?"
"Later." He pushed the door shut with his foot as he wrapped me to him, resting his face
on the top of my head as I relaxed against his chest. "I'm sorry I haven't been around
much."
"Not your fault, I know that."
"Even so, I wish I could spend more time with you."
I remembered Rez coming to see me in the hospital, how concerned he'd been for his
baby brother. He'd said I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. He was right but,
although the conversation had frightened me, it had also made me determined to make it
work. I'd accepted Tick and would accept everything that meant. "It's the way it is" I
said, "we can't change it."
"It's not the way I expected it to be." There were sounds in the hall, we broke apart and I
moved to the fridge.
"So do you want any of this food mountain?" I asked him as Luke and Eve came in.
"What have you got?
I held the door open, wondering what wasn't the way he'd expected it to be. "I think you
can have anything in here. If you can see it you can eat it." Luke reached round me and
took out the turkey remains. He waved the plate questioningly at Tick.
"Want some while I'm cutting?" he asked. Tick nodded. "In a sandwich?" He opened a
cupboard to show Eve where the bread was, she started buttering.
"Yes please" said Tick.
"Salad?" asked Eve going back to the fridge. Tick and Luke both looked at her in horror.
"Not even a tomato?" She sliced one and put it in Luke's sandwich, ignoring him totally.
"It's good for you" she told him. Tick and I exchanged an amused look. Eve put a plate on
the table by Tick and he sat down, making a show of lifting the bread and checking. Eve
blushed as she laughed
I was hoping they'd go now they had their food. Luke looked like he might hang
around but when Eve walked out he followed her.
I sat next to Tick, close enough to stroke my hand over his knee but across the corner of
the table so I could see his face. "What's not the way you expected it to be?" I asked as
soon as they'd gone.
"What? Oh that. I just meant that I hadn't expected to be this busy. I thought this was
going to be an easy posting, no-one was really expecting much to happen or they would
have sent someone more experienced."
"What's happening?" I meant should I be worried.
"Nothing very important, just lots of it. Ever since we chased the Skark there's been
signs of anomalous activity all over the place." He saw my blank look. "Things that aren't
natural to this world. Like when I sent you the flower; that's not something someone
from your world could do so when it happened Jasper, or someone like Jasper, would be
aware of it. Because it was me, and they know my signature, they wouldn't take any
notice. I was expecting to be spending a lot of time working in the shop with the
occasional flurry of activity. But now we're all haring round all over the place and when
we get there it's a false alarm or something insignificant. If I hadn't met you I'd probably
be pleased, it's less boring than the Golden Fry, but I'd been looking forward to working
with you and walking you home and....everything."
"Everything?" I asked grinning.
"Well, you know, just being with you. Stop laughing." He pressed his finger gently
against my lips. "Flirt" he said. He moved his finger to his own mouth, kissed it, then put
it back on mine. I touched it with the tip of my tongue and his smile lit the eyes that held
mine.
Mum put an end to us hiding from everyone else. She took over the kitchen and we
moved into the front room for random small talk with Eve and Dad punctuated by
humorous ridicule from Luke. Eve was getting better; she spoke more and blushed less, I
was beginning to see why Luke liked her. It had freaked me a bit, bringing someone
home for Christmas is an announcement of a proper serious relationship and I'd never
heard of her before Luke's phone call to Mum less than a week ago. Then they'd arrived
and I'd started to worry that I was going to end up with a mouse as a sister in law. I'd
never paid too much attention to Luke's girlfriends before, it was the first time I'd ever
thought about Luke bringing someone into the family, that one day I'd have the same
relationship that Mum had with Aunt Steph. Perhaps I'd just been dumb, but for me
Steph and Mum were just part of my family, now I was wondering how it worked. Would
there be a time in the future when I was as pleased to see Luke and his wife as Mum and
Dad were to see Andy and Steph? It was mind-blowing to even consider.
I wanted to know how long they'd been together, how serious it was, but had no way
of asking. Then she suddenly started talking about it, telling Dad how grateful she was
for the invite. I tried not to look avid for gossip as she told him about her parents
splitting up in March, she didn't go into any details but you could tell that it had shaken
her. Her dad had invited her to spend Christmas with him in his new flat, and she'd said
yes because he was on his own, but her mum had been assuming that she'd be going
home to her as usual. It sounded really gruesome, she'd been trying to work out how to
share herself between the two homes as fairly as possible when Luke had suggested
coming with him instead. When Luke joined in, quoting her parents questions about this
boy they'd never heard of that was suddenly serious enough to go to his family for
Christmas, I laughed out loud.
"That's what I was thinking" I said, before I could stop myself. Luckily she laughed too.
"Back up a bit Kate" said Luke. "You trying to marry me off?"
Eve stared at him in amazement. "But who'd have you?" she asked.
Jasper made his usual loud entrance and Mum instantly went into overdrive, only
happy once we were all sunk into torpor, overwhelmed by the endless waves of food that
kept appearing. I was half watching the film that Dad had put on when Luke suddenly
stood between me and the T.V. He gave a huge stretch and yawn.
"All that food's made me sluggish," he said, "I think a brisk walk would help my digestion.
What do you say Kate? Coming for a walk?" I was about to tell him what I thought of
such a stupid idea when Tick nudged me.
"Oh. Okay then."
"What about you Tick? You joining us for a stroll?"
Tick considered for a second. "You're right, I'll only fall asleep otherwise and wake with
a headache."
"Anyone else joining us?" Luke looked round the room.
"Are you sure? It will be dark soon" said Mum. "It's freezing cold. Make sure you wrap
up warm." Dad and Jasper didn't even bother to reply.
When we got to the corner Luke stopped and checked the time.
"Back here in an hour?" he asked Tick. "Okay if Eve and I take the pretty tourist bits?"
Tick grinned. "We're fine with the allotments."
"Did you two arrange this?" I asked as they strolled away from us.
"No, I just followed his lead. You're so full of chocolate your brain's stopped working.
Just for a second there I thought you were going to screw it up."
"It's not my fault, I just assume all Luke's suggestions are stupid. It's based on seventeen
years' experience."
"Not this one."
"No, not this one." I snuggled tighter into his shoulder as we walked.
"Look; the stars are coming out." We turned the corner and the allotments, usually a
muddy mass of dead twigs and rotting leaves at this time of year, were astonishing. The
cold snap had frozen them into a twinkling fairyland. Low in the inky sky an early moon,
full and bright, lit the frost covered branches and made the frozen cobwebs sparkle as
they hung between the silvered canes. Glittering waves of heaped autumn leafs crunched
underfoot as we left the path. Tucked into a corner, against a low wall, we kissed.
Many minutes later he looked into my eyes. "Happy Christmas" he whispered.
"Best ever."
"Mmmm." The gold flecks in his glorious eyes sparked as I stroked one finger over his
forehead down his cheek to his jaw, I touched the corner of his mouth and felt it lift in a
grin.
"Nice hat." He bounced the bobble between his hands.
"Mum made me wear it."
"Well it is cold."
I made a grab for it as he pulled it off my head. "Don't lose it, it was a present." He
shoved it between us, held in place by the closeness of our bodies, and slid his fingers
into my hair so that he was cupping the back of my head.
"I love your hair." Drawing his hands up and out he lifted it away from my head, leaning
forward to put his face in it. "There's so much of it, and it smells so good." He twisted it
round one hand at the nape of my neck, pulling slightly so that my face tipped to his.
"The only thing I don't like about your hair," he murmured, his mouth practically
touching mine, "is that it hides your neck." Bundling it on to the top of my head, he tried
to shove my hat back on one-handed. I giggled as I helped him pull it down and he
carefully pushed all the loose strands inside. "That's better. Your neck is beautiful." One
finger stroked incredibly slowly from the edge of my hat down inside my coat, along my
spine, making me shiver. When he couldn't reach any further he traced the line back up
even slower, leaving a tingling wake of heat that flowed through my skin, melting my
insides. Both hands traced a feather-light touch oh so slowly round my neck, following
the shape of my new necklace.
"This looks beautiful against your skin. Even lovelier than I hoped."
"It is beautiful. Best present I've ever had."
"Jasper said that jewellery would be acceptable as long as it wasn't expensive."
"That's why you told Mum it was glass?"
"Well, I couldn't tell her the truth anyway. Shoomi stones are incredible things, even in
my world. They're seeds of a tree that only grows high in the mountains. When the
weather conditions are right the seeds are exposed to moonlight before they've fully
ripened and they turn into these stones. No-one really understands how it happens.
People have tried to farm them, to deliberately turn the seeds to stone, but the trees are
very sensitive, if you interfere at all they just die. That's why they're so special, not only
are they beautiful but they're quite rare."
"Wow. Are they expensive?"
"It wasn't the money that was worrying me, it was getting them here. My sister chose
the necklace then I had to call in favours and owe favours to get it passed along to me.
This necklace has been smuggled over six borders." He quirked an eyebrow at my
stunned face. "Yes, you're wearing contraband."
"What about Jasper?"
"Jasper's not bothered, he picked it up from its last leg for me. He thinks you deserve it,
after what happened." Pulling back slightly he tipped his head, admiring the stones. "I
think you deserve it just by being you. Nothing is as beautiful as you, but shoomi stones
come a close second."
So what did you get?
Emma's grandmother opened the front door when we rang.
"Hello girls."
"Hello Tooki" Chloe and I chorused.
"Come in, Emma's upstairs. I must say you're both looking very grown-up. Nice shoes
Kate, very with-it."
"Thank you."
"And Chloe's looking lovely. Having a boyfriend obviously suits you." Chloe mumbled
something and started up the stairs. "Well, I won't keep you." Tooki gave us both a smile
and I grinned back as I followed Chloe. We all like Tooki, when Emma's mum went back
to work she looked after Emma and The Worm after school and she often babysat at the
weekend. I hadn't seen her for ages, now that Emma and The Worm were able to look
after themselves.
Emma was reclining on her bed like a historic heroine; one arm propped against a
heap of pillows cushions and fluffy toys, the other holding her book, a box of chocolates
open on the quilt and her headphones on. She was unaware of us till Chloe pulled one of
her ears away.
"What you listening to?"
"Hey! Careful, don't break them they're new."
"Looks like everything's new." I sat on the bed and took a chocolate.
"Do you like it?" Emma sat up and twisted so that we could see her new clothes.
"Nice" said Chloe. "Santa did okay."
"Well, I chose them. Mum just paid for them. Tooki's going to take me shopping next
week to buy some shoes. Do you want to come, I'm sure she won't mind."
Chloe said "Cool, okay."
I said "If I'm not working."
"Ugh, I'd hate to have a job" said Chloe.
"But if she does come with us she'll probably buy herself a pair of shoes as well. Or she
could if she sees any she likes. I think I need to get a job"
"That's true, I could do with money. But I need something that doesn't take up too much
time, especially at the weekends. And some jobs are just slavery, the amount you have to
do for what you get."
"You'll have to stick with Santa then. I don't mind my job."
"Yes but you've got Tick there, that helps." pointed out Chloe. I was going to say that he
wasn't there that much but thought better of it; no need to draw attention to his many
absences.
"So what did you get?" asked Emma.
"Clothes mainly" said Chloe.
"Me too" I agreed.
"And look; Matt gave me these." She lifted her hair and pointed one of her ears at us.
"Oh they're nice." Emma reached over to touch the earring. "Did you choose them?"
"No, they were a surprise. He put them in my hand as we were saying goodnight on
Christmas Eve."
Emma was impressed. "That's romantic. What did you give him?"
Chloe pulled a face. "A book. I didn't know what to get him and I didn't have much money
and I saw this book that made me laugh so I bought it for him. Then he produced
jewellery and I felt a prat."
"But it's really hard to choose things for guys" said Emma and we both nodded. "We're
happy with anything."
I laughed. "I don't know about that."
"She's right though. Matt gave me jewellery so we all say how romantic. But everyone
gives girls jewellery, my parents gave me earrings too and no-one thinks that's romantic.
And the earrings they gave me probably cost more than Matt's."
"Money isn't everything" declared Emma, mock pompous. "The thing that's romantic
about Matt's present is that he had the confidence to choose them himself and that he
slid them into your hand while kissing you goodnight.”
"I never said he did that!"
"Didn't he?"
"No, that's your imagination. He just pulled them out of his pocket after we'd kissed.
Your version would have been better though."
We'd emptied the chocolate box so Emma went down to find some more, she said her
mum would be grateful if we ate them all, she was starting to talk about her postChristmas diet. Chloe tried to say that she needed to go on one but we shouted her down;
if Chloe needs to diet then most of the female population must be obese.
"You're just trying for compliments" accused Emma.
"No I'm not, I just feel all bleugh at the moment."
"I know, tomorrow I start my new healthy lifestyle. Five portions a day and all that"
"Or maybe the day after" I said. "Or the day after that; when the Christmas food's all
gone." We now had three different boxes of chocolate open on the bed. Tooki had given
them all to Emma, saying it would help her tidy up if we could empty the few remains left
in each one. Chloe was happy to help tidy.
"Tooki said did you want to stay for tea so I said yes. That okay?" We both nodded.
"Your mum not here?" I asked.
"Work. She's supposed to have the week off, Tooki's staying till New Year. But some
work thing cropped up so she went in. That's alright, Tooki's teas are better than hers."
Tooki got her name before Emma was born. Apparently when Emma's mum was
pregnant she kept saying that she wasn't old enough to be a grandma, Emma's Granddad
started calling her "too cool for Gran" which Emma's dad shortened to Tooki. By the time
Emma started talking everyone was using Tooki instead of Nan or Grandma or whatever
so that's what Emma called her. Emma's Dad left while her mum was expecting The
Worm and didn't keep in touch; Emma can't really remember him, she says the only
thing she's ever had from him is Tooki's name.
I dreamed I was painting my nails
I was concentrating hard, I wanted them to be perfect. I could have asked someone
else to do them for me but I was enjoying getting ready by myself. In solitude I could
indulge the excitement that danced through me, instilling every action with potent
meaning. The nail polish was blood red, chosen after much deliberation; I dipped the
brush then watched the tear-drop slowly pool, suspended over the top of the pot until I
touched it to the side and it ran away. Carefully shifting the brush to my right hand I
started on the second hand; I always forgot till it was too late that it's easier to do this
one first.
I'm telling you it's impossible
When I woke I could remember all of the dream vividly. Admittedly it wasn't a very
long dream but it had the texture of memory that I associate with dreaming of Tick; and
that definitely wasn't Tick. It was weird that I'd been left-handed in my dream, would
that have any significance in one those Interpreting Your Dreams books that went round
school regularly?
Last year I'd have asked Jasper what he thought but now I believed he might have a
different motive for his interest in listening to people's dreams. I suspected it was all
part of his Sentinel duties; monitoring the subconscious of the population. I tried not to
think about it. Tick had kept saying that Jasper was still Jasper, nothing had changed,
but when you know something about someone that no-one else does it can feel a bit
creepy. Specially when it's such a big secret. Once the first excitement of being with
Tick had passed I'd found myself watching Jasper when he was talking to the customers
in the Golden Fry, wondering what they'd think if they knew why he was so friendly. Tick
said he wasn't some kind of undercover spy, but if you thought about it he was. I'd got
used to him being friends with Dad; you could see that they really were friends, and
obviously he couldn't tell him the truth even if he wanted to. But I was cynical about his
"friend of the world" persona at work; I knew Tick thought I was being unfair but I
couldn't help it.
When I got to work a resigned looking Jasper was at his usual table, Ashley twisted
into a tight ball on the chair opposite him, tears dripping off her sniffing nose. Ashley
was new, she dropped things a lot, then she cried. Ryan and I exchanged glances as I
went through to dump my stuff and get an apron. We were all hoping that Jasper would
get rid of her soon. The feeling among most of the staff was that Jasper was too softhearted to sack someone unless they did something really bad, like stealing from the till.
Maureen said that was rubbish, Jasper wasn't soft and, remembering the calm way he'd
told me that Tick would kill the Skark, I agreed with her. Jasper was iron hard and
dangerous, they didn't know him at all. He made small clucking tutting noises as he
rummaged into a pocket then handed tissues across the table, Ashley grabbed them
gratefully, sobbing even harder at this evidence of kindness.
Ryan was singing under his breath, "Send her home, send her home, send her home."
She was still dripping into the tissue when I re-joined Ryan at the counter. I gave him
a questioning look and he shook his head slightly so I didn't say anything, just fiddled
with the salt and vinegar, lining them up neatly on the counter. Aaron was at the fryer,
he'd been with us few months; Ryan's hopes of an all-female staff hadn't lasted long. I
looked at him but he gave a half-shrug as he ducked his head. Jasper appeared to have
decided to wait it out, he wasn't doing anything as obvious as reading the paper but you
could tell that, despite his sympathetic face, he wasn't really engaging with the situation
any more. I wasn't sure who I was replacing, if Ryan or Aaron was finishing their shift
then I'd be stuck on the counter with Ashley; neither of us worked the fryer, me because
I was under eighteen, Ashley because no-one had seriously considered letting her near
the hot oil. I hoped Jasper would send her home, it would be easier to cope on my own
than have her drooping and sniffing and getting in the way. Her chair had been pushed
back from the table so that she could pull up her knees in a sort of dramatic crouch, this
meant that she was sticking out into the pathway from the door and the customers had
to loop round her. No-one could fail to notice her misery. Ryan and I gave out food and
took money from people looking curiously out of the side of their eyes. We ignored it,
pretending she wasn't there.
"Isn't it the end of her shift?" I asked Aaron as Ryan served someone. Both he and Ryan
were still working so I assumed Ashley was crying on her own time.
"No, Ryan's supposed to be going but I don't think he dares. He's the one that set her off."
I glanced back towards Ashley. "What did he do? It doesn't take much though."
"He just said something stupid, upset her." Aaron was avoiding my eye.
"What?"
"Nothing important, like you say it doesn't take much." He kept himself busy, fiddling
with the fryer, then looking up gratefully when the door opened, pulling me back to the
counter.
"Jasper. There you are." The man ignored the counter and made straight for Jasper's
table. "I wondered where you'd got to."
"I'm working Peter, that's what most people do."
"Well pardon me, no need to get on your high horse. Oh my dear, whatever's wrong?" he
asked Ashley, renewing her dwindling sobs. He produced a white handkerchief, not
tissue, a real handkerchief, shiny white and neatly folded. Flapping it open, he pushed it
across the table with one finger, flinching when she crumpled it to her soggy face and
blew her nose squelchily. "Jasper what have you been doing to upset this young lady?"
"Nothing" gasped Ashley through the handkerchief. "Jasper's been so kind. I just..." The
rest was lost in the snotty linen.
"Why don't you go home?" suggested Jasper gently.
"Oh no, I can't, I should be working, I'm letting you all down, again, I'm so stupid, I'll be
alright, oh dear, just give me a minute, I'm sorry, I'm being silly, I don't know why you put
up with me, I'm so stupid."
"I can run the counter on my own. Shall I get your coat and bag for you?" I didn't wait
for an answer, just went and did it. "It's this one isn't it?" I asked as I came back. "And
this is your bag." I plonked them on the floor beside her chair.
"Oh thank you, you're so kind, and understanding, I'm so stupid, thank you, I don't know,
are you sure?"
"Yes" said Jasper firmly as I ran away to the counter.
"Can I go too?" asked Ryan hopefully. Both Jasper and Aaron gave him dirty looks and he
shrunk behind the counter. "It wasn't my fault" he said as Jasper returned from shuffling
Ashley out of the door. She'd tried to give Peter his handkerchief back but he'd said he'd
prefer her to keep it, sending her into another outburst of soggy gratitude.
"Perhaps a bit more tact next time" said Jasper dryly.
"I didn't think. And, anyway, it's true."
"Yeah, thanks for that." Aaron was still looking uncomfortable.
"What happened?" I asked.
Jasper laughed. "Instead of just shaking salt over the chips she was about to wrap Ashley
managed some kind of dramatic fumble and flip which sent salt spraying up and out, all
over the customer. Lucky it wasn't the vinegar. So, while Aaron and I were brushing him
off and apologising, Ryan thought it would help calm her down to point out that she
always goes to pieces when she's working with Aaron. After that there was no doing
anything with her."
"It's true though." Ryan was defensive.
"Oh, poor Ashley." I wished I'd been nicer to her, she must have been so embarrassed.
"Jasper. Jasper!"
"Yes Peter, what is it?"
"Now that you've finished dealing with your other job, perhaps you want to know why
I've come to find you?" Jasper's scowl at the term "other job" was so quick I was sure I
was the only one to notice it.
"Why have you come to find me Peter?" he asked patiently.
"There's no food in your house and I was wondering when you were going to get some."
"Why don't you go shopping?"
"Well, I suppose I could."
"Didn't occur to you did it?" Jasper returned to his table grinning.
"To be honest, I hadn't expected to need to. You had sufficient notice of my arrival time."
"Are you hungry? Kate could you bring Pete some fish over here please?"
"That's not the point Jasper, I don't think I can be expected to get myself here every time
I want to eat."
"Calm down, I'll go food shopping later today, you can come with me if you like. We've
been rather busy recently so the domestic arrangements have been a bit ad hoc. Here
you go."
"Thank you my dear, this looks delicious. I shouldn't really, I have to watch my cholesterol
you know, but I suppose I can be naughty for once."
"We wouldn't want you to fade away" said Jasper as he pinched a chip.
"No, we wouldn't would we. Do you think there's any chance this lovely young lady could
provide a cup of tea as well? I believe that's the traditional accompaniment to this dish."
"That's right Peter, fit in with the natives." Jasper winked at me as I set of for the kettle.
Tick's texts were always perfectly punctuated. "Are you busy today? I've got a whole
day off but it doesn't matter if you've made plans."
"meeting emm chlo etc."
"Never mind, it was short notice."
"you can come with."
"Are you sure, I don't want to get in the way."
"normal boyfriend would come matt & dan there."
"What time shall I call for you?"
It was weird walking up to the group holding Tick's hand. I was self-conscious even
though I knew it was stupid. I hadn't realised how much I compartmentalised my life into
"Tick" and "Normal". They all knew him from The Golden Fry anyway, we just got a few
waves and "Hi"s as the conversation meshed round us.
"I'm telling you it's impossible."
"It can't be."
"Everyone had a go, no-one could do it. I know; I didn't believe it."
"I could."
"Bet?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Anyone else?" George looked round encouragingly, about half the group put up a hand.
"Right let's do this properly. Everyone put in a quid." Most of the hands went back down.
"What are we betting on?" I asked Emma.
"Cream Crackers" said George. "Five in one go, no drinking in between." That didn't
sound hard to me, but George looked very confident. "You in?" he asked me but I shook
my head. "Tick?"
"I'll give it a go."
"Good man." George held out his hand and Tick put a pound coin in it.
"What happens to the money?" he asked.
"Shared between anyone who can" said George. "But you won't."
"Then what?"
"I keep it. It's my bet." George shook the growing pile of coins in his hand. I could see
Charlie was regretting keeping his hand up, George's confidence as he held out his hand
to him wasn't encouraging. There was a short argument about whether the crackers
should be bought with some of the stake money or whether George should pay for them
as it was his game. Then Chloe pointed out that according to George the stake money
would end up his anyway and he gave her and Matt money to go to the shop while the
rest of us took over the big table in the café and bought some drinks. George said we'd
need the drinks.
It turns out you can't eat five crackers at once. Some people tried eating them one at a
time and some stacked them and put them all in their mouths together. Either way the
crackers won, drying their mouths so that they coughed and spluttered and couldn't
swallow. I was glad I hadn't had a go, Sacha looked so funny spitting crumbs all over the
table, eyes streaming and face bright red; when she realised Chloe had taken a picture she
was horrified. I didn't blame Chlo, Sacha was still picking on her every chance she got.
Tick went for the one at a time option and managed three before he gave up and
grabbed for a drink, Charlie tried to say that he'd done it but Matt collected the huge pile
of crumbs that he'd let fall onto the table and crammed them back into his mouth,
keeping one hand on the back of his head and the other over his mouth as he spat and
gagged.
"Told you." George was smug. He pulled the pile of money from the centre of the table,
spreading the coins out and wiping spit and crumbs from each one before he pocketed
it.
We weren't actually thrown out of the café; we'd realised it was time to move on when
our table had been pointedly wiped for the third time and we could see the staff
discussing us behind the counter. Cloe was walking beside me and Tick, showing me the
picture of Sacha, I was trying not to laugh out loud. Emma came and looked over her
shoulder.
"Perfect" she said.
"What's perfect?" Matt wanted to know. Chloe moved to the other side of Tick so that
Matt could put his arm round her as she showed him. "Girls are mean" he said.
"I've got others. The guys too."
"Let's see" said Emma and Chloe handed her phone to me so that Emma and I could scroll
through. There weren't many, when we came to one of Tick I showed it to him and he
pulled a face.
"You can delete that one."
"No way" said Emma. She laughed up at him then grinned at me, tucked in tight under
his shoulder. Her eyes flicked to Chloe and Matt holding hands beside us then she looked
round, found Dan and casually moved towards him, grabbing his arm tight when she got
there and laughing loudly at something he was listening to.
Emma kept trying to tug Dan towards us but he was deep in conversation, he absentmindedly put his arm round her waist but kept listening to Joe. She looked back at us
when Tick laughed at something Matt said, but when she saw me see her she spun her
head back to Dan and Joe. When Matt drifted over to them and joined in she looked
pleased at first but her eyes kept flicking back to Chloe, who stayed with me and Tick.
We drifted along the High Street, one loose group that split and re-joined in various
combinations as people talked about different things. Emma gave up with Dan and
walked with us, her eyes hard and angry. I could tell from the quick look Chlo shot me
behind Emma's head that she was thinking the same as me.
I dreamed I'd just bumped into someone
I could still feel where my shoulder had pushed into his chest, spinning us both. His
poised recovery accentuated my stumbling, blushing confusion.
"A thousand apologies Arrin, did I hurt you?"
"No, no." It was a mumble, I cleared my throat and started again at a more normal
volume. "No, I'm not hurt, did I hurt you?" I kept my head down in an attempt to hide my
blush.
"Not at all." I could hear a smile in his voice but I didn't dare look. "At least not physically.
I am mortified though, to have displayed such unmannered behaviour."
"It was my fault, I wasn't looking where I was going."
"Why should you? A beautiful young woman should glide through her world uncaring of
we mere mortals." I kept silent, unsure if he was mocking me. The frozen pause
lengthened until I forced myself to look up with a smile, but it bounced off the his dark
hair as he bent to pick up the books I'd dropped. Feeling doubly foolish I knelt down.
"Don't worry, I can get them."
"Allow me Arrin." He briskly stacked the books, largest at the bottom, our bent heads so
close I could hear his breathing. Standing in one lithe movement he waited for me to
clamber to my feet. "I've delayed you" he said.
"Not at all. No. I wasn't going anywhere important" I gabbled, still staring at the floor. His
shoes were black and incredible shiny, I found myself wondering how long he'd spent
polishing them that morning. He was still holding my books and I made no move to
retrieve them.
"Even so, please accept my apologies." He pushed my books towards me and I
instinctively took them, cuddling the pile to my chest so that it wouldn't topple.
"There's nothing to apologise for" I assured him. The bottom book was bound in old
linen, I could feel the roughness through my fingers, the soft fibres tickling my skin as I
raised my eyes to his face.
What did you expect?
And woke with the shock of what I saw. The man I'd shyly raised my face to was
incredibly pale, with strong dark eyebrows that arched unnaturally high over the black
eyes that had smiled down at me. In my dream I'd thought this man handsome, sexy,
obviously my subconscious mind was weirder than I thought.
I couldn't shift the image from my head, it floated into the front of my mind during
quiet times when I was walking to school or meant to be listening to teachers. The
dream had been so vivid, I felt as if I knew this man. After a couple of days it was driving
me mad, the small kick of excitement I felt when I remembered the odd face spooked me;
I had a crush on a strange figment of my imagination and I couldn't find a way to make it
stop.
"Wake up Kate!"
"I am awake. I heard every word you said."
"So what do you think?" asked Chloe.
"I don't know. Whatever I say she'll just get moody."
"No I won't" protested Emma.
"You were yesterday."
"I know what you think about Dan, you made that quite clear last term."
"What? Oh that. I'd forgotten I said that."
"I think maybe I don't want your advice, maybe you're not the most helpful person if you
think that."
"Think what?" Chloe was watching us both, mystified.
"It doesn't matter" I said.
"No, it doesn't. Because it wasn't true then and it still isn't true now." She sounded pretty
moody to me.
"What's not true?"
"Nothing. It doesn't matter." Emma shot me a furious look. "And don't you go telling her
once you're alone either."
"Calm down Emm. I don't think I really meant it, let's forget all about it."
Emma looked down, fiddling with the strap of her bag. "But what if it is true?"
"Then that would make you the same as half the girls in our year." I said firmly. "It's no
big deal."
Emma grabbed the book that Chloe had pulled out of her bag and shoved it roughly back.
"Stop that, I need you."
"Hey! Careful, you'll break my stuff. Didn't want to intrude into your secret
conversation."
"Don't you start getting moody now."
"So you admit you were moody?" I asked.
"But seriously, what do you think?"
"If you don't want to go out with him any more then you must dump him."
"But nicely" said Chloe.
"Of course nicely. What do you think I am? But do you think I should split with him?"
"Do you want to?"
"I don't know. He used to be so interested in me, everything I did, now I think he'd rather
be with his mates."
"I think sometimes you'd rather be with your mates too." I was so glad Chloe said that, I
wouldn't have dared.
"No. Not really. Not all the time anyway. I don't know. He can be so cute, I think he likes
me a lot, so why does he sometimes ignore me?"
"Matt ignores me loads of times, but it doesn't bother me."
"Tick never ignores Kate, he's like her shadow when he's around."
"When he's around" I pointed out. "He does a lot of his own stuff too."
"I don't mind Dan doing his own stuff, but not when he's supposed to be with me."
"Do you like him?" asked Chloe. "You know, have feelings for him?"
"I think so. I don't know. Kate would say that I only really like that he likes me."
"How do I know how you feel?" I asked quickly.
"Would you miss him if you broke up?" asked Chloe.
"I don't know" wailed Emma. "How can I know till it's happened? And then it might be
too late." The bell rang, leaving Emma's problem no more resolved than it had been the
day before.
My problem wouldn't go away either, he hung around in the back of my mind, driving
me crazy. Eventually I decided I would have to talk to Jasper. Whatever my feelings about
Jasper's interest in dreams, he did know a lot about them and was probably the only
person that could throw some light on this for me. Of course, once I'd made my mind up,
I couldn't get him on his own. All shift he darted about, every time I went to follow him
into the office he came straight back out again or I had a huge queue keeping me at the
counter. When I was wiping his table at the end of the evening I asked if I could have a
quick word.
"No problem, I'll give you a lift home, we can chat then." He was giving me the wary look
of someone who's opened the door to a charity mugger, I couldn't work out why.
"So Kate, what can I do for you?" he asked as I was doing up my seatbelt. "I said I'd be
here for you whatever happened, I understand that your circumstances make you unable
to use a more suitable confidant...."
I cut across his embarrassed ramblings. "It's nothing to do with Tick."
"Oh. Good." He stopped fiddling with his car key, looking much happier as he started the
engine. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. Of course I would be happy to discuss any problems
that you couldn't take to anyone else."
"Don't worry, you're not my idea of an agony aunt either."
He turned a serious face to me. "But you would come to me if you had any problems? I
mean, if there was anything that was making you unhappy? That you couldn't discuss
with anyone else?"
I smiled. "Yes, Jasper, don't worry. Tick and I are fine. But if I was worried about
something I'd come to you, and we'd muddle through the embarrassment somehow." I
didn't know if that was true, but it reassured him.
"Good girl. Now, what's on your mind?" I told him all about it, it didn't take long to tell; I
was trying to explain how strong the feelings were, how much they creeped me out, but
he interrupted.
"I hadn't expected it but then it's not surprising I suppose."
"What? What's not surprising?"
"You're picking up the other world, the one we're brushing against."
"What?"
"I suppose you want a full explanation? Knowing you."
"Damn right I do!"
"And you won't wait until tomorrow?" I was about to snap back when I realised he was
teasing me.
"Yes please" I said meekly.
"Ring your mum, tell her you'll be late home, I'll take you to my house then you and I can
have a chat." The word chat sounded a bit ominous I thought.
Jasper opened the door and I followed him down the hall towards rumbling sounds, a
dull bang and then the smash of breaking glass from the kitchen.
"Do you need some help Peter?"
"Ah, Jasper. Nothing to worry about, it's all under control" Peter was trying to keep his
body between Jasper and the dishwasher, shuffling sideways as we came in.
"Why don't you let me sort this out. I'm sure you've got something more important to be
getting on with."
"Really Jasper, I'm not an idiot. I know what I'm doing." He didn't look as if he did, his
voice might be loud and pompous but his shoulders had a sheepish slump and he kept
rubbing his fist against the end of his nose in a nervous gesture that made me think of a
rabbit.
"Peter, please just sit down there!" He jabbed his finger at a kitchen chair and Peter
folded on to it mutely. "Now, what have you done?"
"Nothing, I was just trying to work out how to get the confounded machine to function."
Jasper's voice was muffled as he poked about inside it. "It's a dishwasher Pete, it's not
rocket science."
"Peter" he mumbled sullenly, "I prefer Peter." Jasper swept up the glass, put the tablet in
the cup, flipped up the door and turned it on in a few deft movements. Peter turned his
back, ignoring Jasper as if it wasn't happening.
"You haven't introduced me to your friend" he said when Jasper had finished. Jasper
stared hard at the back of his head for a couple of seconds.
"Peter, Kate. Kate, Peter" he said flatly.
"Doctor Peter Gu." He popped up from his chair, right hand extended. I didn't realise at
first that I was supposed to shake it. "How do you do?" I extracted my hand from his, not
sure what to say. "Now you would be forgiven for thinking that I'm a medical man." He
sat back down again giving me what I suspected he thought was a roguish grin. I knew
this one.
"Not necessarily. A doctorate is an academic thing, it probably means that you teach in a
university." As he deflated I didn't let on that I'd found this out recently, and only by
embarrassing myself when Luke was talking about his Uni.
"Right" said Jasper when he'd got rid of Peter. "Poon."
"Poon?"
"It's what we call the world currently nearest to yours."
"Poon?" It didn't sound like a name for a whole world.
"Three zero eight dash P zero zero N eight slash A, or Poon for short."
"What do the people who live there call it?"
"What do you call your world?"
"Nothing, it's just the world."
"Exactly. Fascinating world Poon, but I'm glad I wasn't posted there. Nearly 70% of it is
ice. Much smaller population than your world, they're not split into hundreds of separate
countries like most places, they have one controlling authority; a democratic sovereignty"
I made a listening nod then realised what he'd said.
"How does that work? Isn't it one or the other?"
"As far as I know no-one else has this. They have a king or queen, who's oldest child then
becomes king (or queen) when they die. Their child inherits the monarchy from them
etc. But if the people lose faith in their king they can call an election and vote for a new
king whose family then become the royal family and his son will be the heir apparent;
the prince."
"That's just weird."
"The person you dreamt of was addressed as Arrin, which would translate as princess.
That must be Trissa, she's the only daughter of the current king."
"Hang on a minute, you're saying that a princess from another world was in my dreams?"
"I think so. The people of Poon have brains that evolved slightly towards telepathy.
They're not actually psychic but they have a much stronger mental connection than most
in-cognisant worlds. Given the closeness of your worlds at the moment, the similarity of
age and gender and your level of contamination, although I hadn't expected anything like
this, I'm not surprised that you were receptive to her thoughts. If she was experiencing
particularly strong emotions at the time that you entered the most receptive part of your
sleep cycle then you would act like a radio to her unconscious broadcast."
"Back up, back up. My level of contamination?"
"Don't get touchy. I mean Tick. Your contact with Tick has changed you, made your brain
aware of other possibilities."
"Oh." I decided to think about that later. "What I don't understand is, if she's broadcasting
this stuff and they're all nearly psychic how come they don't hear it? And I do?"
"They're not nearly psychic the way you mean, they're far from reading each other's
thoughts. What I meant was that they pick up each other's emotions easily on a
subconscious level. To them it's just a normal part of everyday life. The bond between
you is being created by a property of the border between your worlds. Before you ask me
to explain that I should point out that it will take about three hours and involve a lot of
very big equations."
"Fine, I'll take your word for it. It's just, I don't know, it doesn't feel like I'm seeing
another world. It all looks so normal, familiar, it could be a different part of my world."
Jasper snorted. "What did you expect? Unicorns?"
I dreamed everyone was looking at me
The faces round the table were all patiently waiting for me to speak. My dreaming self
recognised the look of them and thought "Trissa". She was sitting at a round table, the
youngest person in the room by many years, keeping her back straight and her face calm.
"I don't think it's too bad" she said as confidently as she could, fighting the urge to lower
her eyes and stare at the table.
"Neither do I" said one of the men firmly, smiling back at her grateful look.
"It must be taken seriously though." The woman to her right was impatient. "It's a
warning that you can't ignore."
The first man waved a dismissive hand towards the magazines on the table. "They're just
rags, no-one takes them seriously."
"I do." She pulled one of the magazines towards her. "It's my job to take them seriously.
And I'm telling you that these comments build up. They're never totally forgotten, they
accumulate in people's subconscious and colour their opinions. This one," she waved the
paper and I got a glimpse of glossy pictures of people leaving a large building.
"I wasn't drunk." said Trissa quickly. "My heel caught in the pavement."
"I know." The woman sighed. "But it doesn't matter. Now they're all desperate to get
another picture of you stumbling or laughing too hard or red in the face. Anything like
that, it's the money shot now; the papers will pay well for it."
"So what do you want her to do? Stay at home all the time, tucked safely away where you
can protect her reputation?"
"That wouldn’t work" said another man. "Arrin Trissa never leaves the palace these days.
What is she hiding? Close sources say that she's practically a recluse, has the party girl
partied too hard? "
"I'm not the party girl! I don't even go out that much. Not compared to other people my
age."
The first man smiled across the table. "I know my dear, I know. I wish you'd go out more.
You're young, you should be having fun with your friends, you shouldn't have to worry
about these things. But this is the life you were born to, I wish your mother were still
alive." Love and guilt flooded Trissa as she looked at the worried man. He's her father I
realised.
"I'll try to be more careful" she said. "I'll wear trousers." This caused an embarrassed
mumble from the older men round the table.
"Despicable behaviour" grumbled one. "They would never have done anything like this
when your mother was young." He stabbed his finger at one of the magazines and Trissa
looked at the picture. She was getting out of some kind of vehicle and the photographer
had managed to angle his camera so that it went right up her skirt. The angry finger
stabbed again then, suddenly realising he was poking at Trissa's inner thigh, he hurriedly
snatched it back.
Am I a bad person?
"The thing is," said Emma, "it's coming up to Valentines Day. Maybe it would be better
to wait until after Valentines."
"Don't look at me like that." I said. "I haven't said anything."
"But I know what you're thinking."
"No you don't. I think you're probably right." I wasn't sure she was, but there was no
way I was getting pulled back into that.
"Really? What about you Chlo? What do you think?"
"I think if you're not going to do anything, you have to actually decide not to do anything."
We both stared at her.
"Very profound. But what does it mean?"
"I mean that we can't keep having these conversations rambling on for the next two
weeks while Emm waits for Valentines. She has to decide to stay together for now. And
shut up about it."
"Hey! That's harsh."
"It was" I agreed.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it the way it came out. I just meant that if she wants to be in a
relationship for Valentines then she should at least commit to the relationship between
now and then."
"She's right Emm. Otherwise it's not fair on Dan."
"Am I a bad person? See; now you're both just looking at me. Neither of you will
answer."
Chloe started laughing. "No Emma you're not a bad person, is she Kate?"
"No, not bad. Sometimes uncomfortably honest."
"So it's agreed then. Dan and I stay an item for now. I'm going to send him a cute text."
She looked up from her phone. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Emma wasn't the only one that was worried about Valentines. Unlike her, I wasn't
worrying whether or not I'd have a date; I knew I almost certainly wouldn't see him. But
I thought I should still get him something. Just in case. And because I wanted to. I
wanted to surprise and please him, to give him a token of my love. No-one was keeping
score, but if they were I was definitely lagging behind. I had a beautiful necklace and a
poem that I'd saved to my sim, I'd been sent a flower in the night and I wore his
grandmother's bead on my wrist. What had I given him? I couldn't think of anything.
What would I give him? I couldn't think of anything! I'd over-thought it to the point
where nothing was good enough. I couldn't just go to a shop and buy something, it had
to be special, personal. But if I didn't buy something I'd have to make something, which
just made me think of Mother's Day when I little. If I didn't buy something and I didn't
make something I'd have nothing to give him. And every day I spent going round in
these fruitless circles was another day closer to the fourteenth of February.
When my idea came I nearly missed it because it involved listening to Dad. I'd
wandered aimlessly into the front room looking for a distraction from the homework I
knew I should be starting. Dad was watching a documentary.
"Look at this footage, it's incredible." I turned back reluctantly.
"What is it?" A wobbly black and white landscape was rushing towards the screen, dimly
lit by small lights at the edges.
"Look, they're flying spies into France to help the resistance." The plane bounced then
stopped, darker shadows breaking away from the trees and running towards the open
door.
"What's in those boxes?" I asked as the cameraman was jostled by the hurried unloading.
"All sorts of things. Radio sets, explosives, propaganda. Those men there, they came on
the plane from England, they're the spies." It was hard to see what was going on, the
landing lights had all been extinguished and everything was done by dim torch light. You
could see the tension in the shadowy people who were clearing the plane as quickly as
possible.
"Was it dangerous, what they're doing?" I was interested despite myself.
"Incredibly. See how they're hurrying? They want that plane up and out as soon as
possible. If they're caught they'll be shot."
"All of them? Not just the spies?"
“All of them. Maybe other people from the nearest village as well."
"How would they decide which ones knew about it?"
"Sometimes they'd just round up a random group and shoot them. To set an example" I
sat next to him and we watched the grainy footage together.
Anything's interesting when you're putting off your homework. I watched the
interviews with old people reminiscing as they showed us the kit they took with them,
false papers and such. The maps were printed on silk because it folds down really small
and that's what set me thinking. I'd thought before that if I was going to make
something I'd have to play to my strengths, which was presumably art, but all I'd been
able to think of was a home-made card, which was frankly naff. If I could get hold of a
small square of silk maybe I could use the equipment in the art room to print a picture
on it that he could take with him, small and squishable so that he could just shove it into a
pocket or pack. I half watched the television as I thought it through and decided I liked
the idea. He'd said he didn't wear the beads anymore because they got in the way, but
this was something he could keep with him, like me wearing his bracelet all the time,
without it interfering with his work. I didn't know yet what I'd print on the silk, that was
going to take some serious thought, but at least I had an idea now.
I found some white silk handkerchiefs in the evening wear section of the men's
department in John Lewis. They came in a pack of three which gave me some spare in
case I ruined the first one. That was the easy bit though, I still had no idea what was
going on it, and time was moving fast now. I knew I couldn't write a poem, though he
probably hadn't written the poem he sent me.
"Dad? Do you know a poem that starts had I the heavens' embroidered cloths?"
" Enwrought with golden and silver light?" This was one of the few occasions I was glad
Dad was an English teacher. "W.B.Yeats, Aedh wishes for the cloths of heaven, what
about it?"
"How long is it?"
"Short, only a few lines, why?"
"Nothing." I'd hoped that there was another verse I could send back to him, maybe
decorated like an old manuscript. Then one morning I woke up realising it was obvious.
It should be the flowers from my sketchbook, the ones that Jasper had seen, they were
the catalyst, if Jasper hadn't seen them Tick and I would never have ended up together.
The flowers were white, which threw me at first, I couldn't see how I could put them
on a white piece of silk, but I came up with a brilliant idea for a background if only I
could manage it. I went to the art shop and bought some silk paints and a fabric writing
pen so that I wasn't relying on the school's rather basic supplies, all I needed from the
art room was the printing screen. I told Emma and Chloe I was behind with my art
homework and took the final drawing of my design and my paints with me at lunchtime,
hoping there'd be no-one else there. I'd cut paper to mask the shapes of the flowers and
some footprints; footprints are surprisingly hard to draw. I fussed about arranging them
on the screen then, barely breathing, used a brush to paint over them. I was trying to
paint folds of fabric, heavens' embroidered cloths; I kept reminding myself that I had two
spare pieces of material, there was no panic. It took much longer than I'd thought, I'd
just finished when the bell went. Forcing myself to move slowly as I lifted the screen
from the fabric, I bunged it in the sink, water from the tap spraying all over me as I gave
everything a quick rub over. Not clearing and cleaning the equipment is the best way to
get yourself banned from the art room at lunch time. I just made it into the end of
afternoon registration, trying to hold the handkerchief by its corners away from my body
without drawing attention to it, wishing I'd thought this through better and made a plan
to hide it away somewhere to dry. I diverted via my locker on the way to my first lesson
and balanced it over a book, I still hadn't had a chance to look at it properly.
It was fine, practically as good as I'd imagined it. I spent the evening sitting on my
bed painting in the details on the flowers; Tick had said that the ones in my book were
paler than the real ones, so I put a bit more blue into the knobbly centres. As I painted,
using a pale grey to accent the curve of the petals, the dream came rushing vividly back.
Glad that no-one could see the soppy smile softening my face, I imagined a young Tick
sitting on the branch I'd occupied in my dream, the sun shining on his rumpled hair as he
concentrated on whittling wooden shapes. With a start I realised that I'd been staring at
the finished painting long enough for it to have dried. I was nervous about the next bit, it
had gone so well this far it would be typical if I went wrong at the end. Trying not to grip
too hard, I used the fabric pen to write in a flowing script that looped round and between
the footprints. Tread softly, I wrote.
I dreamed I was strolling along a gravel path
My companion paused and I turned to look at him
"My friends call me Dag" said the man I'd watched pick up her books. "Or would that be
inappropriate?
I could feel Trissa's heart beating. "I don't think so," she said calmly, then quickly "call me
Trissa." He laughed.
"I'm not sure that would be considered appropriate. People would talk."
"They talk anyway. Whatever I do they watch and comment, find fault and tut."
"It's not easy for you." Trissa bit her lip to stop it wobbling, she'd sounded so petulant
and self-centred, that wasn't how she wanted him to see her.
"I haven't seen you here before" she said. That was no good, it sounded like she went
round looking out for him. "I mean, recently." That didn't help. What did that even
mean?
"I've only been allowed to come to this part of the palace since my promotion. Now I try
to spend my lunch hour here, it's so peaceful."
"It is isn't it. You've been promoted?"
Yes, I'm now an assistant under-secretary to the Chancellors sub-office." He bowed with
a fancy flourish and she laughed. "Don't mock me, in another ten years I might be
assistant under-secretary to the Chancellors main office. Or an under-secretary to the
sub-office."
"With your own assistant?"
"Maybe, who knows? I'm very ambitious." He started walking again and she fell into
step.
"At least no-one can take your picture here" he said, as if he'd been reading her mind.
"It's not just that, though that is the worst part. The council watch me too, it's not their
fault, they're just worried about me. Everything hangs on me, on what happens when
my father........well you know. They want to know that I'm up to it, that I won't let them
down."
"It's because you were away at school for so long. You left the palace a little girl and came
back a woman, they're not used to it, to you. You can't blame them for being interested."
"My father says I'm still young, I should be having fun. But every time I attempt some fun
I end up in the papers."
"Don't read them, then you won't know."
"But they make things up, or twist things to make them more interesting. Last week
there was a picture of me laughing at a joke. Someone made a joke and I laughed. That's
all it was, then the next day he was my mystery companion. Our body language was
dissected over three columns; apparently we were obviously very close. I didn't even
know his name but at the next council meeting they wanted to start investigating his
background, to see if he was "suitable"." Father lost his temper, said what chance had I if
even they believed everything they read in the glossy rags, and they all backed down
rapidly. I think they were genuinely sorry for embarrassing me like that, but it made me
realise. The council just wants to marry me off as quickly as possible."
"Why?"
"They don't know how to handle it. When my mother was young the press was more
respectful. They didn't lie on the floor and try to photograph her knickers." Trissa
stopped dead, face scarlet. Dag carried on strolling as if he hadn't heard, then turned
back.
"Aren't the flowers beautiful?" he asked.
"Yes they are" agreed Trissa gratefully as she hurried to catch him up. "I love it here."
She looked up at the glass dome, willing the red from her face. "It must have taken so
much work to build it, do you think the people who made it knew how grateful we would
be?"
"I hope so. The king who commissioned it was very forward thinking, most of these
plants wouldn't have matured until long after his death."
"So he never saw it as we do?"
"No, he planned and built it for future generations."
"That's so sad."
"But now we call it Hubert's Garden. He's the most famous king we've ever had, I doubt
you could name the one before him or the one after. Do you have time to sit?"
"Oh yes, I'd love to sit." Too gushy, be more careful. Trissa tried to look casual on the
bench, crossing her legs and swinging her foot idly.
"So you're not considering marriage?"
Her foot froze. "What?"
"I beg your pardon, that was impertinent. What is the personal life of the Arrin to an
assistant under-secretary?"
"No, I'm not considering marriage." She smiled to show she hadn't taken offence.
"The council might be right, it might make your life easier."
"I know I'll have to marry someone suitable at some time but I'm happy to put it off as
long as possible."
"Your mother married for love" he said quietly, close beside her.
"Don't you think that the fact that everyone says that about her shows how rare it was
for someone in her position; in my position?"
"But not impossible. You're young, you have plenty of time to meet someone suitable to
both you and the council."
"Maybe."
The next night I dreamed of the park again
Trissa sat on the bench pretending to read a book, in casual looking clothes that had
taken forever to choose and careful make-up. Nothing else happened for over an hour. It
was the most boring dream I've ever had and I couldn't pull myself out of it.
He probably had a book
On the thirteenth of February a package arrived for me just as I was leaving for school,
I ripped it open and tipped it onto the kitchen table. It was a small box of chocolates,
each one had a letter written on it to spell I L O V E Y O U. The message on the card was
printed, obviously produced by an online order.
"Kate This isn't what I wanted but we're on total lock down. Miss you more than could
ever be said with stupid sweets. T"
Mum picked up the chocolates. "That's nice" she said.
"Do you want one?"
“Really? Don't you want to save them? It would be a shame to spoil the message."
"No, it's fine, honestly. Have one." I tucked the card carefully into my pocket then ripped
the seal off the box.
Walking to school I worked out that lock down meant no using magic. That made
sense with what he'd told me about the unusual activity they were trying to trace.
Perhaps I should have pretended to be more interested in the chocolates, Emma and
Chloe would ask me what I got, they'd be as surprised as Mum that I'd already scoffed
the O and the V. That's probably why he'd sent them to me I realised, it was part of his
cover, fitting in so no-one asked awkward questions. I put my finger into my pocket to
stroke the card, that was the important bit for me; I missed him too.
Emma burst out of her door and grabbed my arm.
"Kate, at last. Where did you get to?"
"Am I late? Sorry, the postman..." She cut across me.
"I've been waiting for ages."
"But you're never ready when I get here."
"Oh Kate."
"What?"
"Dan broke up with me!"
"What?"
"I know, I can't believe it. I've been so nice to him. Kate! Are you laughing?"
"No. I'm not, I swear." I hugged her as her face wobbled and collapsed. "What
happened?"
"I don't know. I texted him yesterday to ask him what he wanted to do tomorrow and he
rang me back. And he said..." I waited but no more was coming, I hugged her hard. "He
said," she pushed herself away from me and rubbed her fists over her face. "He said he
didn't think it was working out. He said he thought that we would be better as friends.
He said it wasn't me, I was great, but. But, but, but. Arsehole. And now I'm late for
school."
"He sounds very fluent" said Chloe at break. "Not like the usual Dan."
"He probably had a book" sniffed Emma. "How to dump girls; useful words and phrases."
I wasn't sure whether it was alright to laugh or not. "Seriously, he had it all sorted out,
like he'd written it down before he rang me."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing much. I was too mindblown. It just came out of nowhere." Chloe and I patted
her while she cried. "After, I thought of all sorts of things, but at the time I was just, you
know, oh, okay then. I wish I'd said more, it was so easy for him, he just said his stuff
then hung up."
"Wouldn't have made any difference" said Chloe.
"That's right," I agreed. "No point in a long painful phone call. It would still be the same
now."
"I suppose so. I wish I'd split with him two weeks ago. When I was thinking about it.
Oh! Do you think he guessed?"
"Why should he?" said Chloe firmly. "Kate?"
"Chlo's right. Why would he?"
"You know you were asking if I had feelings for him and I didn't know? Now I just hate
him."
I dreamed I was back in the park
Trissa was walking along one of the paths, forcing herself not to look for him, trying
not to hope. When she saw him on the same bench they'd sat on before she didn't know
what to do. She couldn't just walk up to him, she hardly knew him, he might not want to
spend his lunch break making small talk with her; he might be waiting for somebody.
Look this way she prayed silently, then I can smile and slow down slightly and see what
you do. He was gazing absently over the lawn, apparently deep in thought. Trissa
wondered whether, if he didn't notice her, she dared circle round and pass him again to
give him another chance to see her. Would anybody else observe her odd behaviour if
she did that? Did she care if they did? At the very last minute, as she drew level with
him, he turned his head and jumped up smiling.
"Arrin" He made a small bow.
"Dag!" She tried to sound surprised without over-doing it. "How are you?"
"Very well thank you. Yourself?"
"I'm well. Is it your lunch break?"
"I have the afternoon off, would it be permissible to walk with you? If you're not in a
hurry?"
"I'm not in a hurry."
It's not funny
Emma took it much harder than I'd expected. I felt bad about saying she only wanted
a boyfriend, any boyfriend, that she didn't care about Dan at all. It was too late to take
that back so I tried to be as sympathetic and supportive as I could. We'd gone back to
hers after school, we were doing that more than usual at the moment, she kept asking us
and we always said yes. Tooki was emptying the dishwasher, she started handing us
glasses to put away.
"Hello girls, are you staying for tea?" That's Tooki's usual greeting, she's big on feeding
everyone. "I promised William a take-away."
"Can we have Thai?" asked Emma.
"William's choice."
"He hasn't really tidied his room, he's just shoved everything into the wardrobe or under
the bed."
"Don't you want a take-away Emma?"
"Yes, but."
"Well the take-away is dependent on William tidying his room so we'll have to hope that
you're mistaken."
"He'd better choose Thai" Emma muttered under her breath. Tooki gave her a look and
she shut up.
"I'm so bored" she said when we got to her room. "It's all the same all the time, one
day after another, there's nothing to look forward to."
"Half term" said Chloe.
"Okay then; half term, what are you going to be doing? Meet up with me and Kate?
Catch up with your homework? It'll be all the same stuff but with no lessons."
"We could go to Sheffield" I said quietly.
"What? Why? How? What's in Sheffield?"
"Luke" said Chloe, her face lighting up. "But would he want us? Would he let us come?"
"He invited us at Christmas, I forgot to say."
"You forgot? How could you forget something like that?"
"Steady, girl, steady." Emma was laughing. "Look at you, you're going to bounce right off
the bed in a minute." She started singing. "Chloe's going to see her crush. Chloe's going
to see her crush."
"Don't know what you're talking about."
"No? Kate, do you remember in year seven when Chloe always wanted us to meet up at
yours and every time Luke walked into the room she'd go bright red?"
"That was a long time ago. And anyway I wasn't that bad."
"No? Kate?"
"She wasn't any worse than you over that, what was his name? The one with the weird
hair."
"Josh? James? Something like that."
"Don't pretend you can't remember. It was Josh, and we had to go all over town to try to
find him that time, didn't we Kate?"
"Anyway. Kate, you email Luke and get the okay. How long do you think we can go for?
Make sure you book the time off work, tell Jasper you have to go, it's an emergency."
"An emergency?"
"Yes. We need cheering up. That's an emergency."
We had Indian. Emma didn't comment. Tooki made us all sit round the table to eat,
we could hear The Worm arguing about it when we came down. As we walked in he
slammed onto a chair, head and arms curved round and over his heaped plate. He
started scooping up food in a continuous circular movement. Emma pulled a face as she
sat opposite him.
"God you're disgusting!"
"You're disgusting."
She made a big show of brushing herself down as if he'd sprayed food over her. "You eat
like an animal."
"You're an animal."
"Well this is nice" said Tooki, placing small neat mounds of curry round her rice. "A
civilised family meal at the table. Don't you think Emma? William?" We all ate in silence.
"Kate" said Tooki suddenly, making my food fall off my fork. "Emma tells me you've got a
job, are you enjoying it?"
"Um, it's okay? The money's good, and the work isn't too hard."
"That sounds perfect then. Perhaps you should look for a job Emma."
"But Kate didn't look. She just walked into it because Jasper's her dad's friend."
"Jobs are hard to find" agreed Chloe loyally.
"Well, it's a good job there are grandmothers then. I'm taking William shopping in half
term. Would you girls like to come?"
"No way." The Worm's head shot up, then down again when he saw us all looking at him.
"Don't want 'em" he mumbled to his plate.
"I'm sorry William, what was that you said?" asked Tooki brightly.
"Don't want 'em" he repeated, head still down.
"I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Tooki, I've been looking forward to spending some
time with you, would it be possible for you to make arrangements to take Emma and her
friends shopping on a different occasion? Is that what you said William?" There was a
pause while The Worm decided which way to go then he gave her an evil grin.
"Yes, that. And I don't want 'em."
"Well that's fair enough. You only had to say. I'll have a look at my diary after tea."
"We're going to see Luke for half term" said Emma.
"Not all of it" I said quickly. "Only a couple of days. I don't think he'll want us for a week.
Anyway I have to go to the dentist."
"Exciting!" said The Worm
"Have you confirmed any of this with your mother?" Tooki asked Emma.
"No, but she'll be fine with it."
"Where is your mum?" asked Chloe.
"Course."
"Her work have sent her on a course so I'm in charge until Thursday" said Tooki. "It's
been fun hasn't it? Just like old times when you were both tiny." Emma and The Worm
both nodded sheepishly, not looking at us or each other. Chloe caught my eye and
grinned.
My dentist was annoyingly bright. He always called me little lady, just as he had the
very first time Mum had lifted me onto the huge black chair. He maintained a stream of
chatter which I replied to with the occasional urgh round the stuff he shoved into my
mouth.
"Not too bad. Do you floss?"
"Urgh."
"No sign of wisdom teeth yet, does it hurt when I do that?"
"Urgh,"
"Not very good weather so far for your school break, let's hope it improves for you. Got
anything planned?"
"Urgh"
"Little bit of staining there. I think we'll give you a polish up."
"Urgh........Ahhhh!" He'd never done this before so I hadn't been expecting it. A sharp
whiny whistle filled my head, rising to a screech as whatever he had in there touched a
tooth. When he was working on a tooth I could feel the vibration running up into my
skull. I kept telling myself it didn't hurt, because it honestly didn't, but it sounded so
much as if it should hurt that I kept thinking that it did. He was working along the edge
of my gum and it was hard to not flinch away; I felt as if I must have a mouth full of blood
when he stopped. It went on and on for an impossibly long time as he worked his way
calmly round all my teeth, apparently unaware that the mouth he was frowning into was
now attached to a quivering sweating blob.
"There you go, that wasn't so bad. Well done little lady, you can rinse now." I nerved
myself for gore as I spat but the mouthwash was its usual pale green, no blood at all.
"I'll see you in six months then." I nodded weakly, grabbed my stuff and practically ran
out to reception.
I was halfway home when my phone rang.
"Where are you?" asked Tick.
"Nearly home, where are you?"
He was puzzled, hesitant. "What happened, are you alright? You sound okay."
"I'm fine. Why?"
"I.....Never mind I can see you." The call was ended and I looked up to see him running
down the road. He crashed into me, wrapping his arms round me to steady us both, then
held me tight for ages, his face pressed to the side of my head as he squeezed me up onto
my toes. I stroked my hand up and down his back, feeling the rigid tension of his muscles
ease. Eventually he took a long breath and let it out slowly.
"What is it?" I asked, muffled against his neck. "What's happened? Is it bad? Are you
okay?" I pushed back against his arms, trying to see his face, and he loosened his hold
slightly. "What's wrong?"
"I felt....I thought I felt." He stopped, scanning my face carefully. "I thought something
had happened to you. It was so strong. I felt you panicking and frightened. I thought...I
was afraid. Now I don't know what's going on, maybe I'm going mad."
"I was at the dentist, it was pretty horrible." I suddenly wanted to laugh. "It was only the
dentist."
"It's not funny. Never do that to me again." He wrapped me back to him. "Oh I'm going
to get some trouble for this" he muttered into my hair. "Stop giggling."
"I can't help it. I'm sorry. I was panicked and frightened and everything, you were right.
But it was only the dentist." My laughter stopped abruptly when I remembered how I'd
felt in the dentist's chair and imagined feeling that Tick was experiencing that and not
knowing why. I dropped my bag and held him tight with both arms, suddenly close to
tears.
A millennia later he let me go.
"I'd better get back" he said.
"Do you have to?"
"Oh yes, better not make it worse."
"Are you in trouble? Shouldn't you be here?"
"Yes, they know where I am, but I think it will take a while to live down. Dentist" he
snorted, and we were both suddenly folded over with laughter.
"Wait. I've just remembered. Can you spare two more minutes? I've got something for
you." I tugged at his arm and he followed as I ran to my house.
"Hello Tick" said Mum as I opened the door and I groaned inwardly, I'd hoped the house
would be empty.
"I'll wait here" he said quietly to me, tipping his head towards the pavement. Then more
loudly to Mum "Hello, can't stop, just dropping Kate off." I ran upstairs then back out to
meet him behind the hedge that hid the street from the house.
"It's because it's silk." I wasn't explaining it very well, now that I was actually giving it
to him it just felt stupid.
"Yes, I know, I understand. I think it's absolutely brilliant."
"You do?"
"And it's beautiful. The cloth, the footsteps, the flowers. It's all there. I think it's amazing.
I love it."
"You do?"
"Yes. Come here." He hugged me and kissed my nose. "I love it. I love you. It's brilliant.
You're brilliant. And I'm in big trouble if I don't get a move on. I hate to go. You know
that right?"
I nodded. "I'm sorry about earlier."
"Not your fault. These things happen when you're bonded." He paused, looking deep into
my eyes. "Nothing could make me sorry that you accepted the bond."
"I'll never regret it" I whispered, his face so close to mine. "Now go, don't get into more
trouble." I watched him jog down the street till I couldn't see him anymore.
I dreamed I was running
Trissa pelted down the corridor, brushing past people, unaware of their startled looks
and the angry comments cut short as they recognised her. Suddenly stopping, she fought
to calm her breathing as she smoothed her hands over her hair and twitched at her
clothes. Setting off again at a normal pace she swung casually round a corner into the
gardens I was beginning to know so well and walked confidently to the dark man
sweeping patterns in the gravel with his foot. She stood in front of him and waited for
him to notice her.
"Trissa! I was beginning to think you weren't coming." His whole face smiled at her as
she fought to hide the sudden rush of happiness that warmed her. He'd called her Trissa;
not Arrin.
"Hello Dag. I'm sorry I'm late."
"No need to apologise, I know the Arrin has much more pressing claims on her time."
"I said I'd meet you, I intended to keep my word."
"But if others wanted to claim your time could you say you had a previous engagement
with a minor civil servant? I think if the people around you knew of this appointment
they would ensure that it was never kept." Trissa avoided his eye, not wanting to admit
that he was right. "It doesn't matter; you're here and I'm here. Let's just enjoy our
lunchtime stroll."
They walked in silence, Trissa trying not think about his accurate summary of her
situation. It was ridiculous. What was she hoping for? Nothing could come of it, it would
have been better to have nipped it all in the bud. Only a fool would have agreed to meet
him again, she should have said no. She should have avoided the gardens once she
discovered that he went there, then the situation wouldn't have come up. She wasn't a
girl anymore to indulge in love-lorn crushes. She was the Arrin, she had responsibilities,
she should start behaving properly. As the dense weight of her adult life shadowed her
soul; politics, economics, administration, a sensible marriage to a suitable partner, she felt
a flash of rebellion spark in a dark corner of her heart. Why couldn't she have some fun?
Her father was always telling her that she should, so she would. She had all her life to be
the Arrin, all she was asking for was a few walks in the park, some sunny memories to
store against the long dark life ahead. She nodded her head towards a small group sitting
on a blanket sharing food from a basket.
"I wish we could do that" she said.
"I think that would make us very noticeable. It's one thing to walk side by side along a
path, quite something else to be seen having a picnic."
"I wouldn't mind. It looks like fun."
"I think it would be unwise."
"Never mind, I wouldn't want to get you into trouble."
"I don't mean for me, it was you I was think of. I'm always thinking of you" he continued
in such a quiet voice that Trissa wasn't sure she'd heard correctly. She shot him a quick
glance out of the corner of his eye but he was watching the picnickers, his face bland.
Once upon a time
Mum had said make sure you take a proper jumper, and tell the girls as well. I'd
passed on her message sarcastically, but after Luke had let us in and we'd been given a
guided tour which basically consisted of the kitchen, living room and bathroom and a
random wave in the direction of his room I realised that none of us had undone our coats
yet. Luke's house was exactly the same temperature as the street. He was wearing some
kind of thick woolly thing that looked like it had been bought from a second-hand shop
that specialised in finding homes for amateur hand knitting; when Eve appeared she was
zipped into a thick fleece. I knew I had a big jumper in my bag, Mum had stood over me
and watched me pack it; I wished I hadn't put such an “ignore my stupid mother” spin on
the message for Emma and Chloe. Eve surprised me with a hug; I hadn't realised we
were friends.
"Good, you're here. Come on, let's get back downstairs and make some plans. What do
you want to do?"
Eve approved of my jumper, she frowned at the one that Chloe swapped her coat for.
"That's a southern jumper! Look at it, all thin and stylish. Hang on." Chloe sat in
embarrassed silence as she ran upstairs then reappeared with a thicker one. "In this
house you need to be wearing half a sheep. Here, it's clean. That's better, now you look
like a student. Do you need to borrow one?" she asked Emma, but Emma assured her
she was warm enough. Luke grinned at Chloe, who started blushing again.
"Why is it so cold?" I asked. "Has your heating broken?"
"It's a question of mathematics" said Luke. "We have a finite amount of money each
term, we have to prioritise the expenditure. So the basic question is," he paused and Eve
joined in. "Heat the feet or pub and grub?" they chorused.
"Put glove on hand, buy tickets for band" agreed the guy who'd just walked in. "Crap
catchphrases. Who came up with them?"
"You did" said Eve.
"You sure? Was I drunk? Oh, visitors. Hello."
"This is Alex, he's the intellectual of the house. Kate, Chloe, Emma."
"Kate's Luke's sister" said Eve.
"Hello Kate, Luke's sister, Emma Chloe." We gave him a little wave each. He was tall and
blond, I could see Emma inspecting him speculatively.
"So what are we going to do?" asked Eve.
Luke shrugged. "Dunno."
"Are we going to eat here or pick something up while we're out?"
"Dunno, what do you want to do?"
"Where are you going?" asked Alex.
"Dunno, you want to come?"
"Okay."
We went to the pub, Nellies, Alex said that he had all the makings for huge pasta but
we'd better cook when we got back or we'd miss happy hour.
As we were putting our coats back on Emma mouthed at me "I'm starving!". I shrugged
helplessly, there was no way I was going to say anything.
Chloe whispered "Buy crisps!" Emma's eyes moved to Luke, Alex and Eve already waiting
by the door. She shoved her arms into her sleeves and scampered up the hall.
"We're coming, we're coming" she exclaimed, practically cannoning into Alex and
grabbing his arm for balance.
"So he told her," Alex paused to drink, "so he told her that it was understandable to be
sad, but she mustn't feel guilty that she rushed out to buy new stilettos. The old ones
were happy; there's a special heaven for high heels that have carried you loyally from
party to club to party and died in service. Because, apparently, shoes have soles."
Mitch leaned into the stunned silence that followed. "That's ten minutes of your life you'll
never see again." Alex grinned.
"Is he always like this?" asked Emma.
"They all are" said Eve. "It's always lovely to get back to my house and have a sensible
conversation with people who aren't looking for a bad pun in everything you say."
"What do you have your sensible conversations about? Shoes? And make-up, and does
my bum look big in this?"
"Yes Mitch, that's all we talk about. And men, of course, and how we can trick them into
proposing. What do you think this is the fifties?"
"Oooh, I think you touched a nerve there." Alex pretended to shrink from her sharp look.
"But you do, I've heard you.” said Mitch. “My last house was mixed and the girls were
always showing each other clothes and make-up."
"Oh, the lovely Jenna." Alex gazed wistfully into the depths of the bar for a second. "She
was so hot. She beat you at every game you owned didn't she? And she was so bright
and funny. Do you remember when she had that argument with..."
Eve cut across him, waving her drink at Mitch. "So, was she bright and funny about face
masks?"
"Well no, obviously. All I'm saying is that women do talk about these things and men
don't. Okay? To be honest I miss them. Sharing with Luke and Alex and Ben is fine, but
mixed houses do feel different. I'm going to the bar, do you want a drink? Something
small with a cherry in it?"
Eve laughed. "Yes please, but make it a cider, no cherry."
"I'm hurt now" said Alex. "Sharing with us is fine? He's lucky we let him in. Everyone
wanted to share with me and Luke. We're the go-to guys."
"Really?" asked Emma, grinning at him.
"Too right. Anyway, we have women in our house too. Eve and Rose and Becks are
always around."
"And Keely" said Eve.
"Not anymore."
"They broke up? What happened?" She broke off guiltily as her drink was put in front of
her. "Thanks Mitch."
"What are we talking about?" he asked as he sat down.
"Umm nothing much." Alex was laughing at her, she hid behind her glass, taking a long
swig.
"Once upon a time," said Mitch portentously into the silence, "there was a fairy called
Nuff."
Chloe grinned. "Fair enough!"
"Oh. You've heard it." I was so proud of her. She blushed and dipped her head as we all
exploded into laughter. I could see Emma doing the sums. One of the girls Alex had listed
had to be his girlfriend if Mitch had just broken up. She twisted her mouth slightly then
shrugged it off and joined in with trying to wind up Mitch.
"Everyone's heard it"
"Buy a new box of crackers!"
"He's useless" said Eve much later.
"What? Who?" I stopped listening to the conversation on my other side. "Who's
useless?"
"Your stupid brother."
"I could have told you that ages ago. Saved you the bother."
"He doesn't know why they split up. Didn't seem interested." I wasn't sure what she
wanted me to say. "He just said that Mitch seemed okay so that was all-right."
"Well, if he is okay..." I trailed off.
"I know. Now I look like I'm just out for the gossip. But I liked Keely, and she seemed to
like Mitch. I just wanted to know what happened." I shrugged in as friendly a way as I
could as Luke leaned over her.
"Little Sis" he said.
"Yes?"
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"Good, good. Not corrupted yet?" I laughed, shaking my head. "It's not all like this you
know?"
"It's not?"
"No way. Lots of hard work too."
"He's right" said Eve. "Sometimes he has lectures in the morning! The horror!"
"Huh, you can back right down there, you know you're always late."
"Not always!"
"Could've fooled me. I've seen you rushing round, hair half dry, mug of coffee slopping
from one hand. Cursing and swearing something shocking."
"And I've seen you. Up all night hunched over your keyboard, one month's work
crammed into twenty four hours of panicking!"
Alex laughed. "Well, we all do that. Give him a break Eve. You sound like his mother!"
"The worst bit is that he's an absent-minded eater." Luke frowned. "You know it's true.
You cover your desk in sweets and peanuts and crap and then while you're staring at the
screen you put out a hand without looking and eat whatever you pick up. I've seen you
bite into pencils and all sorts. One night he ate half a bottle of Tippex without noticing. It
was awful. He woke up in the morning with a huge correction." I was still staring at her
blankly while everyone else was laughing. Blushing furiously I joined in but I was sure
everyone had seen me not get it straight away. She'd said it in such a matter of fact voice
I hadn't been expecting it. Now I felt like a school kid in front of them all, and the blush
wasn't helping. Emma had laughed immediately. Chloe, deep in conversation with Mitch,
hadn't heard it.
The Chloe Mitch conversation continued all evening. Heads close together, they
ignored the rest of us. I saw Emma looking at them and caught her eye; I raised my
eyebrows and grinned, but she frowned. When we made a move she walked close to me,
slowing so that we hung back slightly from the group.
"She's got a boyfriend" she muttered.
I laughed. "So? They're only talking."
"It's the way they're talking. You know what I mean." She shot a glance behind her to
where they were strolling even slower than us, the gap growing until they were basically
walking alone. "See?" she said.
"I wouldn't worry about it. Anyway, it's none of our business really." She snorted and
sped us up again so that we joined the others. There was about ten of us going back, I
hoped Alex' huge pasta would be huge enough, the crisps we'd had when we got to the
pub were long gone.
I had nothing to compare it to but, if it was typical, I had to agree with Emma. Student
cooking was scary. We sat in the living room watching Alex, Luke and Ben, who'd been
there when we got back, rummage through the cupboards and throw what looked like
just about anything into a saucepan. The debates over whether to include things and the
advice from the audience in the living room - just cut the manky edge off – didn't give us
confidence, but we were too hungry for it to put us off eating the result. Mitch wasn't
cooking because he wasn't there. He and Chloe hadn't arrived yet and Emma wasn't
happy about it.
"What are they doing?" she hissed to me. I shrugged. "Do you think she's okay?"
"Yes, of course she is, stop being stupid."
"What if something's happened to her?"
"She's not out on her own. She's with Mitch."
"Humph!" She snarled at me when I tried not to giggle.
I dreamed I was laughing
Trissa was watching Dag as he approached, a small hamper swinging from his hand.
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Well let me see.” He lifted the basket, bending his ear to listen as he shook it gently.
“Hmmm, sounds like some meat pies, cake, maybe a small flask and some cups. Is that
what you think it is?"
Trissa was still laughing. "A picnic, you brought us a picnic. Thank you so much."
"I would still urge you to caution. We don't have to do this, we could just walk and talk
and ignore the bag in my hand. That would be the sensible course."
"But I'm hungry."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure that I'm sure. Now come on, where shall we sit?" He followed her to the trunk
of a large tree, as she bent to the ground he waved an admonishing finger.
"Wait." He opened his basket and produced a blanket which he smoothed carefully
before taking her elbow and politely assisting her to sit. She watched him make a big
show of rummaging about in the hamper.
"This is wonderful, thank you so much."
"Are you comfortable? I should have brought a cushion as well."
"Don't be silly, I'm perfectly comfortable. Now what have you brought to eat?"
"Nothing very exciting I'm afraid." He was deftly unpacking plates and unwrapping
parcels, arranging a spread of food in front of her.
"What are you talking about? It looks delicious. And proper plates too. Impressive." He
handed her a cup and poured them both a drink. As she smiled up at him kneeling in
front of her he clinked his cup against hers.
"To friendship."
"To friendship" she responded brightly. "The best thing in the world."
"Really? Not family, love, something like that?"
"I like friendship" she said firmly.
"Fair enough. Friendship." He took a drink from his cup and she did the same.
"I have an extended lunch hour today" he said as he handed her a plate.
"So you can stay longer?" She tried not to sound too excited.
"Well, I don't know what plans you have, maybe you have to get away."
"No, they cram my head all morning, the afternoons are my own."
"Cram your head? What on earth are you up to?"
"It's just lessons. All the things I'm supposed to know."
"I thought they'd sent you away to school for that."
"They sent me to school to learn how to be an accomplished young woman. Now they're
teaching me how to be the Arrin."
"That's different?"
"Not so much different as extra. The Arrin needs to be an accomplished young woman
who knows about economics and geography and history and, oh I don't know,
everything. So I have lessons."
"Arrin lessons?" He was laughing. "I'd never considered it before but I suppose it makes
sense."
"To be honest it's mainly for later. So that I know what I'm doing when it's my turn."
"Your turn? Oh I see. That's a sobering thought I would imagine."
"Well, it's not going to be for ages yet, but they want me to be prepared."
"Sounds daunting. How long is it going to take?"
"Eugh, years from the feel of it. There's just so much of it."
"Do they set homework?"
"Don't even suggest it, someone might hear you!"
"Have you been here at night?" asked Dag.
"No, I don't think so."
"You should, it's wonderful. There are small lights along the paths and there, can you see
them, around the trees? They bathe the ground in a soft glow but above you it's dark, so
you can look up and see the sky. And the sky, it's impossible, I don't have the words, the
sky is simply indescribable."
Trissa grinned at his enthusiasm. "Try" she said.
"Well, you lie on your back." He stacked the plates to make space then waved her
forward.
"Like this?" she asked, shuffling along on her bottom until she could lie flat.
"Yes, you lie here," he lay down beside her, "and you look up. Up, you have to look up."
Trissa hurriedly turned her eyes from the face next to hers and gazed obediently at the
dome high above them.
"I can't see anything" she said.
"Not now, now you have to imagine. It's the glare from the sun that makes the roof look
silver, as the light fades it becomes transparent. Lying here at night one can see to
infinity. The sky is black, but not a layer of black above the earth like the blue layer you
perceive during the day, the black isn't the colour of an object, it's no colour at all, just
unimaginable depth reaching out for ever. And the stars, the stars are in the sky. They're
not a layer of sparks under a backdrop of black, they spread through the universe, up and
away from us in multi-layered three dimensional splendour. Now you're thinking that
that's an illusion caused by some being bigger than others and it's true they are different
sizes, and I agree that the distances are so vast that one minute person shouldn't be able
to see any difference. All I can tell you is what it looks like. You feel as if you could
stretch out your arm and touch one of the larger lights that hang so still in the darkness,
and that if you did you would be up to your elbow in tiny stars." Trissa watched him lift
his arm to the dome, his fingers spread to catch the invisible stars.
"It sounds beautiful" she said.
"Beautiful, yes. Awe-inspiring, superb and cold."
"Cold?"
"There's no room for humanity. The night sky is the absolute. Splendour beyond human
grasp. It makes you realise how puny most people are, how insignificant in the bigger
scheme. It shows you that there is more, if you dare to look for it. People don't matter."
"People don't matter?" He gave his head a sharp shake and his focus returned to the
park.
"Some people matter" he said turning to face her and holding her gaze until she could feel
the blush spread over her cheeks.
Is that what you were doing?
I was disorientated. I'd got used to dreaming of Trissa, in the morning I'd just file it to
the back of my mind like a real memory and get on with my life. Moving suddenly from
the park with Dag to a hard floor in an unfamiliar room threw me and it took till I'd had a
wash and a drink for me to feel totally myself. Eve had a lecture that morning, it was the
door slamming behind her that had woken us. There was no sign of Luke getting up and
we hung around self-consciously, wondering what to do. When Mitch ambled into the
kitchen it wasn't just Chloe that was pleased to see him.
"You'll be there all day if you're waiting for Luke to sort you out" he said. "Do you want
to come and see the bear pit? You can all come if you like."
The bear pit wasn't as exciting as I'd expected. It was just a hole in the ground where
a bear had been kept in the park a long time ago for people to look at and, probably, tease.
Apparently he and Chloe had been talking about it the night before. Emma didn't even
pretend to be interested.
As soon as we got on the coach to go home she started. She'd been stewing all the
time we were with Luke and his friends and so she exploded in a rush of accusations and
objections without giving Chloe a chance to even open her mouth. She'd obviously had
the conversation in her head many times and we were both overwhelmed by a torrent of
counter-arguments to things that no-one had even said. Eventually she ran out of steam.
"Finished?" asked Chloe. My heart sank. That wasn't going to calm things down.
"I just want to know what you think you're playing at."
"I could ask you the same thing. What's it got to do with you if I spend time talking to a
guy?"
"Talking? Is that what you were doing? Out there all that time?"
"What?" Chloe was edging towards a screech. I nudged her.
"Can we keep this down a bit?" She looked round the crowded bus and ducked down in
her seat.
"You sound like some old granny" she hissed at Emma.
Emma had got it out of her system. She was cooler now. "What about Matt?" she asked.
"What about Matt?"
"How would you feel if he cheated on you?"
"I didn't cheat on him!" I nudged Chloe again and she shot me a filthy look, but she
lowered her voice. "Mitch was interesting, he was good company. Nothing happened."
We both just looked at her. "All right, nothing much happened. We just kissed a bit.
Once. While we were walking home. And again yesterday morning in the park, when
you two went to find the toilets. That's it, basically. It didn't mean anything." Kate and I
carried on looking at her silently. "And he asked for my number. But he knows I have a
boyfriend. I told him."
"That's okay then. If he knows you have a boyfriend." said Emma sarcastically.
"Seriously though, what kind of d-bag makes a move on someone when he knows they
have a boyfriend?"
"Ahh."
"Ahh?"
Chloe grimaced. "I might not have told him straight away. More like yesterday afternoon.
When he asked for my number. Don't look at me like that. I thought it was just a bit of
fun. He's hundreds of miles away from us and it was obvious that nothing was going to
happen. In the long term. With the distance and everything. I thought it was just one
snog on the way home. You know, just a casual bit of fun. Which is all it was."
"A sort of holiday romance?" I asked, trying not to laugh. Emma didn't think it was funny.
"You've got to be more careful Chlo. You could hurt two boys and end up with neither of
them."
"Bit melodramatic there!"
"I'm right though. You know I am. I'm sorry I had such a go. But you're wrong Kate, it's
not none of our business. Friends look out for friends and stop them making mistakes."
Not even a little one?
"Shut up. I've got news." Chloe and Emma watched me as I plonked my bag down and
sat opposite them. "The parents are going to a wedding" I told them as I opened my
sandwich.
"So?" asked Chloe.
"And, this is the good bit, I'm not invited!"
"Ohh"
"Yes. They're going to leave me behind, on my own, in the house. But you've got to
promise to keep it secret."
"What?"
"It took me ages to argue them round, and I've promised we won't have a party."
"Not even a little one? asked Emma wistfully.
"Well that's it. I need to keep control. You know what'll happen if word gets round. It'll
be a free for all. Even if nothing gets broken the neighbours will tell. So we've got to be
really really careful."
"Yeah, got ya."
"Honest? You promise?"
"Yes we promise." Chloe pulled a notebook from her bag. "When is it?"
"Second of May." Chloe wrote it down on a clean page. Emma started laughing.
"So organised!"
"Well? Kate wants to keep control, we need to work out who we can trust."
Emma tried to grab the pen but Chloe jerked it back. "Write bin bags at the top, so that
we don't forget. For the next day. It'll be a dead give-away if Kate's mum comes home
and we've used up all her cleaning stuff."
"Oh hell." Flashes of other "parents away" parties I'd been to passed in front of my eyes.
"Maybe we shouldn’t do this."
"Don't be stupid Kate, it'll be fine. With me and Chloe in charge"
I dreamed they were all waiting for me to speak
"I thought I'd have a party" said Trissa nervously. She saw the fidget of confusion run
round the councillors. When she'd said she'd had an idea this wasn't what they were
expecting. She hurried on. "I've been thinking about it. When I go out they're all
jostling to get as many pictures as possible and I hate it, if I stay at home they fill their
pages with speculation and now they're simply making things up. Councillor Verbasco is
right, they will turn against me. The stories will get nastier and nastier; they'll get their
own back because I won't play their game."
"So what?" asked one of the older men. "You shouldn't care what they say about you.
Ignore the scum, would be my advice." She saw her father was about to say something,
but she jumped in first. She wanted to show him that she could do this, that she could
speak for herself.
"It's not that simple though, is it. They're powerful and I need them on my side."
"You're right" said a woman, giving her an approving nod. This was Councillor Verbasco,
I realised, she was the one I'd seen before saying that it was her job to care about what
they put in the magazines. She smiled encouragingly at Trissa. "Explain your idea for
us."
"Well, I thought that if I had a party in the palace they couldn't get in so I could relax and
enjoy myself. They would hang around at the gates photographing people arriving and
leaving, but some of guests wouldn't mind that at all. When they're with me all the lenses
are pointed at me and I can think of at least a few who would like to show off their
clothes and have it known that they'd been invited to the palace." A small ripple of
amusement encouraged her. "The journalists would find out about the party, they find
out about everything, but I thought that we could tell them ourselves and," she took a
breath then floated her idea, "I thought we could invite them in." She ignored the frowns
from the older councillors, focusing on Councillor Verbasco. "Not for the party obviously,
but I thought that if I invited the press to come into the palace before it started, to see the
rooms decorated and I'd show them my new dress and let them take some pictures. I
thought maybe we could keep control. That we would be giving them something, so they
would be better disposed towards me, and I could maybe still enjoy myself without
feeling so hounded." She'd been speaking faster and faster as she tried to explain. Now
she made herself stop, looking round the table to see the reaction. Everyone turned to
Councillor Verbasco, who was quiet and thoughtful.
"I think this could work" she said eventually. "What do you think?" she asked Trissa's
father.
"I'm sorry, I stopped listening after she said new dress. I'm constantly astounded by the
way everything turns into a need for a new dress." Everyone laughed and Trissa relaxed.
Harsh but true
Chloe had got her notebook out again, and we were running over everything that we'd
already discussed before. I was secretly amused by the difference between our
arrangements and Trissa's, some of which I'd seen. Emma was as excited as Trissa, but
we had far fewer decisions and arrangements to make, the notebook was filling with
more comments and "wish-lists for the perfect party" than lists of things to do or get.
Emma had sketched the dress she wanted for her eighteenth next year, and then we'd all
joined in. It was turning into a sort of diary, and I quite liked it. Chloe was talking about
food.
"I don't know really" said Emma. "Crisps maybe, or some peanuts. Will anyone be
bothered?"
"What do you think Kate?"
I shrugged. "Don't know. Are you thinking snacks in bowls type stuff? Maybe, but
Emm's right, no-body would notice if we didn't."
"Best save our money I think. This is all turning out much more expensive than I'd
realised."
"I'll pay for it all" I said quickly. "You know that."
"I always like food at a party. It gives me something to do if no-one's talking to me, but I
admit that you don't often get any these days."
"You don't need to hide in a bowl of peanuts, not any more. You've lost all your shyness
since you've been going out with Matt."
"Oh!" Chloe was pink. "Do you think so?"
"You are more confident, I would say, especially when Matt's with you. Emm's right, I
hadn't noticed."
"I don't feel any different. Maybe it's just that I know more people. Now we hang out
with Matt's mates too, there are more safe people that I can talk to at a party."
"Safe people?" Emma and I were both laughing.
"You know what I mean! Stop it!" Chloe's face was way past pink now.
"Sorry. Yes I do know what you mean. I always hate it when there's no-one near me that
I know, you become self-conscious just standing there. Emm just starts talking to a
random person, but I'm with you, I could never do that."
"I'm shy too you know. Sometimes. You always talk as if I just bounce along not caring
what anyone thinks but I do. I'm not some kind of shiny social robot, I have feelings too."
"But you're much more confident than me."
"Cloe, a baby rabbit is more confident than you."
"Harsh but true. Anyway, food? Yes, no? Kate?"
"Well you obviously want food, so yes, why not?" Chloe picked up her pen, eager to start
a new list.
I dreamed I was sitting on the picnic rug
"I wish I could invite you" said Trissa.
"Don't be silly."
"But I do."
"You and I live in different worlds. You can't deny it. Don't look at me like that, one of us
has to be sensible."
"I'm sensible. I spend my whole life being sensible." Except for this, with him, said a
voice at the back of her head. "I do every thing they say, I work hard. Sometimes...." She
broke off, not wanting to spoil their time together.
"They expect a lot of you" he said gently.
"Especially Chancellor Gringaton." She laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "She finds me
very disappointing, with about ten year's hard work she might be able to get me to the
level she'd been expecting to start at when we met."
"Oh dear, that doesn't sound like fun."
Trissa pulled a face. "It's not totally her fault, she's ancient, her ideas haven't kept up
with the world. She helped to train my mother and she'd assumed that I would be
identical. Apparently I'm not." Trissa watched her hand pluck tufts of green and scatter
them over the edge of the blanket.
"Are they all like that?" asked Dag sympathetically.
"No, no, not at all. I don't want to sound moany and put-upon."
Dag grinned. "I think you're incredibly patient and hard working. They should be
grateful for such an apt pupil."
"That's what my father says."
"Really?"
"Well, things like that. But I think he's just trying to be encouraging. He takes it all very
seriously, it's important to him that I'm fully prepared; that I can cope whatever
happens."
"He cares about you."
"I know. He worries because he had such a terrible time when he became Regent. He
thinks that if he can squeeze enough information into me then I will be able to take over
easily. He's probably right, I don't know. This is getting boring, let's talk about something
else."
"I'm not bored, I'm interested in you, in all aspects of your life." Trissa shot him a startled
look. "Friends are interested in their friend's lives" he said blandly and she looked away
again, trying not to blush.
"Do you remember your mother?"
"No, she died when I was very small, barely more than a baby. I've been told a lot about
her so sometimes it feels as if I remember her, but in my memories she's always wearing
the blue dress she's wearing in the picture of her holding me as new-born. When my
father put me to bed; he used to try to at least put his head round the door every bedtime
but he couldn't always get away. When he did have the time he would sit on the side of
my bed and tell me the story of how they met. And I would lie still with my eyes closed
and try to imagine it. Much later, when I was nearly grown-up, I realised that in my
imagination he always looked like he currently looked and she looked like the picture
with the blue dress, so my view of it had slowly morphed into a middle aged man dancing
with a young girl without me realising."
"That's incredibly sad."
"Is it? I suppose so. Poor Dad."
"So how did they meet?"
"Well, my mother didn't go to school, she was educated here in the palace. I don't know
why she didn't have siblings, people didn't talk about that sort of thing then, but there
was just her. Being trained to be the Arrin. And of course they were keen to marry her
off as soon as she grew up. To be fair I think most women married relatively young back
then, certainly if they were part of the elite. It keeps everything stable. I don't want to
sound as if they bullied her, they were kind and they tried to allow her to make her own
decision, but they narrowed that decision down to a few acceptable choices. In order to
help her make the best choice for her they organised parties where she could mix with
the chosen ones. Her parents threw a huge ball for her seventeenth birthday, then all
that summer there were theatre parties, excursions, tea parties. Of course they couldn't
just invite the young men she was surreptitiously interviewing, that would be crass, even
though everyone knew what was happening, so they filled the events with young people
from the not-quite-so-important families. My father was one of those, he was a makeweight."
"His sister had bet him that he wouldn't dare ask the Arrin to dance, he had his pride
at stake as well as the few pennies of the wager. His parents, like every set of parents
that summer, had invested heavily in the possibilities of what the press were calling
Lysa's Maiden Flight. Many advantageous marriages were arranged that summer, and he
and the two oldest of his younger sisters had been well schooled in what was expected of
them. What rankled for my father was that what was expected of him was to escort his
sisters and do all he could to show them off to advantage. He was to try to introduce
them as far up the ladder as he could and to help them to flirt, incredibly discreetly of
course, with any suitable match that they managed to catch the eye of. When he'd
spoken of his chances of winning a wife from a good family his parents had laughed.
They told him that they were very fond of him but felt that in a situation like this their
hopes were resting on the looks and abilities of his sisters."
"Well he showed them" said Dag.
Trissa laughed. "Yes, apparently Grandfather thought it was a practical joke when the
council approached him regarding a possible marriage. He'd been furious with my
father for allowing Lysa to play with him, to distract him from the all-important job of
marrying off his sisters. To be fair, I think they were worried about him as well;
everyone knew that she would marry at the end of the year and that she was just
amusing herself with a small flirtation before she did the right thing and settled into her
appointed life." Trissa's voice faded and she plucked fiercely at the grass. Dag watched
her quietly as she took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. "They didn't want
him to fall for her when it couldn't come to anything, they didn't want him to be hurt.
Apparently there were huge rows that all the servants could hear. Grandfather said that
Father was making a fool of himself, Father said that Grandfather thought him a
sentimental idiot, and that his friendship with the Arrin was bringing the family to the
attention of a better class of suitor for my aunts."
"Ninety-nine times out of a hundred Grandfather would have been right, Father would
have had some bitter-sweet memories of the summer he danced and laughed with the
Arrin, his parents would have found him a good wife who he treated with respect, and
that would be the end of it. My mother had been careful to behave well, to share most of
her time between the official suitors and not spend too much time with Father. People
had noticed of course, but no-one begrudged her some fun in the summer of her
seventeenth birthday."
"So what happened?"
"It was her father. He did some discreet detective work, found out everything he could
about my father and his family. It was obvious to him that she was in love, but I don't
know why that mattered to him. Maybe it was just because she was an only child, maybe
something had happened in his past. All I know is that when she was called to the
council and asked whether she had made a decision she hesitated, and then he spoke for
her. And she denied it, said she would choose one of their approved husbands. I know
this because Councillor Kendrick told me. He'd had a few drinks at a function when I was
about fourteen and he told me the whole story, indulging the sentimentality of a halfdrunk old man. So, she said she would do what was expected of her, that being the Arrin
was a responsibility and she intended to live up to it. He said that he'd never seen such
courage as that shown by the slight girl sitting bolt upright opposite him. She looked her
father in the eye and told him not to be silly. All the councillors were keeping their heads
down because she was saying what they wanted to hear and they were afraid to say
anything that might accidentally change her mind. Then her father spoke, he produced a
file containing the information on my father and his family and requested the council to
delay the decision for a week. He asked, and remember he was Regent so when he asked
for something it was basically an instruction, that the council appoint a committee to
investigate this excellent young man, that's what he called him, to consider whether it
would be appropriate to add his name to the list."
"And the rest is history."
"Not quite. When the council re-convened in a weeks time they confirmed that they
could find no reason for her not to marry my father if she chose. You have to remember
that she would be Regent, he would only ever be the husband of the Regent, so they were
only expecting him to do some hand-shaking, maybe open a train station. So they all
turned to her and asked, is he your choice? And she said no."
"What?"
"That's what they said, and they all turned to Grandfather, who apparently looked very
abashed. He asked to speak to her in private for a minute but one of the councillors, noone I know, he's dead now, invoked protocol. He said that now the meeting had been
called all discussions had to take place at the council table, in the open, witnessed by all.
So my mother sat in front of all those old men and women, remember she was only
seventeen, while her father asked her about her feelings. And she said, Councillor
Kendrick told me he'd never forget it, she said "I'm the Arrin, the best catch in the land.
How am I to judge how a man feels when he speaks to me? How do I know whether the
affection in his eye is for me or my position? I will not make myself vulnerable by
assuming love in another. I will make a pragmatic marriage, hoping for mutual respect, I
won't endanger the regency by indulging my personal feelings for a man who, when all is
said and done, has only acted as all men do in my company." In the silence that followed
she stared at the table, her face, according to Kendrick, as still and white as a dead
person."
"One of the councillors, a woman called Aslin or Alins, something like that, had been
the loudest in arguing against the match. She flipped through the folder to the reports of
the arguments between Father and Grandfather, someone must have bribed one of the
servants, and slid the file across the table saying quietly, "My dear, I think you need to
read this. The young man in question has left town, his family have sent him away from
court, I understand that they felt he would benefit from some time on his own." No-one
spoke while Lysa read the report, the fierce arguments where Father was warned against
getting involved, his constantly stating that he knew it couldn't come to anything. When
she'd read it twice she asked "They've sent him away?" and her father asked "Would you
like us to call him back?" Kendrick says she spoke one word, yes, then her composure
deserted her and she cried harder than he'd ever seen anyone cry before."
I'd never thought of it like that
Well, that was interesting. I lay in bed, ignoring the alarm, as I thought about Trissa's
story.
"How can you sleep through that noise?" I hadn't heard Dad coming up the stairs.
"Don't you knock?"
"I assumed you were still asleep as I could hear your alarm in my room."
"Sorry." I swung my legs out of bed and reached for the button. I'd moved the clock to
the chest, where I couldn't reach it without getting up, after I'd turned it off in my sleep
two days running. Now I was, worryingly, developing the knack of tuning out the noise
while I stayed under the quilt.
"Hop, hop, hop!" Dad ignored my snarl, but he did at least remember to shut the door
behind him.
I pined for Tick all day. The dream had made me feel mushy and romantic and that
had broken the pragmatic, sensible fence I kept round my feelings. I told myself to grow
up; no-one can have what they want all of the time, in the real world you have to fit
round the real stuff. It didn't help. My need to see him swelled in my chest until it was an
almost physical pain.
He was standing at the school gates. I thought I was hallucinating. Then I ran. He
caught me and held me, laughing as I tumbled onto his chest.
"Hey, careful there." He grinned over my head at Chloe and Emma as they arrived behind
me. Emma held out my bag, I hadn't realised I'd dropped it; embarrassed by my dramatic
dash, I avoided her eye as I took it back.
"Hi Tick." All three of them were grinning at me, I fought not to blush. He put an arm
round me and tuck me tight next to him as we started down the road.
"So how was school?"
"You sound like my mum" said Emma, I joined in the laughter. Chloe left us at the corner,
then Emma and Tick chatted all the way to Emma's house. I didn't speak much, most of
my concentration was on the feel of him next to me, his hand firm on my waist, the brush
of his hip as we walked. I knew it was a coincidence, that my longing hadn't really
conjured him up, but I still felt as if I'd been blessed.
I'd expected to take him back to an empty house but Dad was already home. I didn't
really mind, his being there with me was all I needed, it would have been nice to be alone,
to kiss him and whatever, but his fingers gently stroking the small of my back as we sat
in the kitchen listening to a long moan about Ofsted was unbelievably intimate. I held his
other hand under the table, we didn't look at each other, kept our eyes on Dad, as I absentmindedly maintained my side of the conversation, the small hairs of my skin lifted to the
warm touch that slid so gently over my jumper.
"I don't know, it will probably be alright in the end. Are you staying for tea Tick?"
"Yes please."
"Well, I'd better get on with some of this paperwork. Might watch some T.V. first, catch
up on the news."
"A job un-started is never finished. That's what you say about my homework."
"And I intend to take as much notice as you do."
Tick turned to me as Dad left us. He kissed me lightly then twisted his mouth wryly as
we heard the door open.
"Oh, hello Tick." We were both grinning at Mum, I was trying not to giggle. "It's jolly cold
out there, I'd been hoping for some spring by now. Are you staying for tea?"
"Dad's already asked him."
"Good, good," she gazed distractedly at the inside of the fridge, "what do you fancy?"
"Meat" I said firmly and Tick snorted with laughter.
"Well, I don't know what we've got. What's in the freezer?"
"Are you alright?" I asked her.
"Yes, sorry. It's just been a long day."
"Not you too?"
"Kate could cook" said Tick. I shook my head at him but he ignored me. "You get
yourself a nice cup of tea, Kate and I will sort it out, it will be fine. Won't it Kate?"
Mum gave me an amused look. "Are you sure?"
He made her a cup of tea and bundled her out.
"What's wrong?" he asked me. "Don't you want to cook dinner? Don't look at me like
that. You just need to think about it."
"I am thinking. I'm thinking you're mad. I don't cook meals, that's not how it works."
"Today you cook." He pulled me out of the chair. "You and me" he said circling me loosely
in his arms. "In the kitchen by ourselves," he dropped a quick kiss on my lips, "cooking."
"Ah." I put my arms round his neck and returned the light kiss. "I get it now."
My idea of making a meal is frozen pizza, but Tick pointed out that would only take
about fifteen minutes, so we did proper cooking. We stayed close all the time; I peeled
veg and he cut them up as we stood hip to hip, while he was turning the sausages under
the grill I was behind him leaning the side of my face against his back.
"I've got some leave coming up soon. Just a few days, it's over a weekend and Jasper's
promised to keep you off the rota. I thought we might go away somewhere but Jasper
says you wouldn’t be allowed." I imagined my parents' faces if I told them I was off to
spend a weekend in a hotel with Tick.
"He's right" I sighed. "It would have been lovely. I'm sorry."
"Not your fault. And there will be many more weekends, a lifetime of weekends." He
kissed the back of my neck. "Now you're going to cry?"
"Only cos I'm happy. I'd never thought of it like that. Forever really is forever. Till we're
old."
"Old enough not to ask for permission to go away."
"Old enough for walking sticks?"
"I think so, I hope you do."
"I do. I really do. Oh shit." I grabbed for the smoking pan, pulling it away from the stove,
laughing and crying at the same time.
"Don't get any ideas" I told the parents. "Tick did all this. I don't cook."
"He'll have to come round more often" said Dad.
"Yes he will" I agreed.
Tick waited till most of the food was gone. "Oh, I nearly forgot. I'm going to see Luke
next week, do you have anything you want me to take up?"
"I didn't know you were friends" said Mum.
"Well, we've been emailing on and off since Christmas and when he found out I was
interested in his course he said why didn't I come up and he'd take me round the
department."
"You still not sorted for next year? You're leaving it very late." I'd totally forgotten that,
as far as my parents were concerned, Tick was on a gap year before starting university.
"The problem is I no longer know what I want to do. Time off hasn't helped, it's just made
it worse."
Dad nodded. "I find that happens a lot. And of course you're right. It's three years and a
lot of money, you need to make the right choice. When I'm running the talks for the sixth
form I always say.."
"Yes Dave, I'm sure you do."
"So, if there's anything you want to send up to him. He said he might email you about
some books he thinks are in his room. I'm looking forward to it, I've never been to
Sheffield." He turned casually to me. "You've been up there haven't you. What's it like?"
"It's nice. Not at all what I was expecting. I thought Luke was exaggerating but he
wasn’t. Very busy, full of clubs and bars and art and stuff." The last bit was for Mum, we
hadn't gone to anything arty while we were there but it never hurts to give a good
impression.
"You should go up and see Luke again" said Mum. "I'm pleased you're getting along
better. I hoped you would once you'd both grown up a bit."
"Why don't you come with me?" asked Tick as if he'd just thought of it. "Save on the train
fare?"
"We went on the bus last time, it's cheaper than the train." I'd said the first thing that
came into my head, keeping the conversation going but afraid to say anything that would
jinx it.
"Well, I'm even cheaper than the bus. So do you want to tag along? It's not for long, just a
day or two. You won't miss any school or anything." I nodded.
"Hang on a minute" said Dad. I kept my eyes on my plate. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable
with this. Anne?"
Mum fidgeted with her fork. "Perhaps we can talk about it later" she said.
Tick didn't hang around after tea. He kissed me goodbye in the porch
"Fingers crossed." he whispered. I considered disappearing upstairs but decided the
sooner we discussed it the more chance I had of persuading them.
"For goodness sake Dave, what are you going to do?" I heard Mum snap. I hovered just
outside the kitchen door, listening hard. Dad mumbled something I didn't hear.
"She's growing up, you can't stop it." Mumble mumble. "Yes I know, and I feel the same
but..." Louder muttering this time but I still couldn't work out what he was saying. "She'll
be off to college next year. You have to trust her. She's a sensible girl." I snuck up to my
room, Mum seemed to be working my side of the argument for me, I thought I was better
off keeping out of the way.
Yes, that will be it
I was trying not to feel self-consciously grown-up sitting next to Tick as we drove up
the motorway. It was stupid, although Tick didn't borrow a car from Jasper often he'd
given me enough lifts for me to be used to it, but for some reason embarking on a long
journey together did make us feel more like an adult couple than anything else we'd done.
Dad had appeared in the front door as Mum was waving us off. He'd looked at the two of
us, Tick opening the back for me to throw my bag in, harrumphed and walked away
again. Mum had given me a reassuring smile; I'd kept my face blank, I didn't see why she
had to stand there as we drove away, as if we were spending a month in Australia. Tick
had given her a cheerful wave but I'd looked ahead.
"I'm not sure Jasper's old crock goes any faster than the bus" said Tick.
"But it's just you and me" I said.
"Mmmmm that's true."
"I didn't mean that. Though that too. When we went up on the bus a satanic sprog
behind me and Emma got bored with the game he was playing and decided it was more
fun to bang his consul all over the place to hear the different noises he could make.
"Very educational. It sounds like the sort of thing your mum could get her class doing."
"Not on the bus. The very full bus."
"I'm surprised Emma didn't say something."
"His dad was very big. He'd leered at us in a very inappropriate manner when we got
on." I was using my primmest voice, Tick chuckled.
"Well you can't blame him for looking, you’re very pleasing on the eye."
"You're biased. I'm not all that. You don't mind?"
"Why should I? Are your feelings hurt? Do you want me to access my inner caveman?"
"No." Did I? I didn't know. Maybe it would be flattering to have a boyfriend who would
fight over you. Inconvenient though, I decided.
"There's no point in being possessive in my world" said Tick. "Our relationships don't
work like that."
"It all sounds so simple."
"Well obviously it's not always as straight forward as that, things can still get messy.
Sometimes someone might be attracted to someone who’s already bonded. That's very
rare, they'd have to have met under strange circumstances for the bond not to show."
"It shows?" I was worried. Was I walking round with some kind of mark I was unaware
of?
Tick thought it was hilarious. "Don't panic" he laughed, "not the way you think. You
know how you can often tell if someone is interested in you, even if they never say
anything? Well it's the opposite of that. If you're bonded you see people in a different
way; it's as if there's no more male and female as far as you're concerned. Obviously
that's a huge exaggeration but you get the general idea. And because your attitude has
changed others sense it in you."
"So what stops that working? How could someone not see the bond?"
"If they were incredibly drunk they might not see it, misinterpret someone being
friendly for a mutual interest. That's never a major disaster, just a bit embarrassing in
the morning if your friends noticed. Sometimes, not very often, people meet under
stressful circumstances. Combat situations, for example, create very tight friendships
very quickly. You need to trust the people round you with your life. If a unit is already in
a tight situation when a new member arrives it's possible for them to mesh into the
group too quickly for someone to register the bond. I've never seen it but I've heard
about it. It's incredibly sad, one person is assuming their relationship is progressing
towards a bond, the other only sees a comrade that they're close to."
"Oh no, what happens?"
"The best situation is when someone else realises what's happening and intervenes
early. The longer the misunderstanding continues the worse it is."
"It must be horrible. In my world people get it wrong all the time so we're sort of set up
for it."
"Don't get the wrong idea. Broken hearts happen in my world just as in yours. I don't
want you to get the impression that everyone's happily single until they suddenly meet
someone and bond. People are still attracted to people who aren't interested, or they fall
for someone who starts off interested in them but never gets to the point where they feel
a bond."
"It's not like my world though."
He grinned. "No, it's not like your world. Much less frantic. Ouch!" He rubbed his arm
where I'd punched him.
"Don't mock my world!"
"I wouldn't dare. And then, when you've found someone, bonds don't always last a
lifetime."
"Why not?"
"Don't sound so surprised. It's only part of the relationship, it's not a kind of magic glue
that makes people never get irritated with each other or disagree. Supposing I found out
that you torture baby rabbits, I don't think I could feel the same way about you and my
side of the bond would wither away."
"But not mine?"
"Not necessarily. It's like I said; broken hearts happen in every world."
"I would never torture baby rabbits."
"We'll be okay then."
The sweets that Mum had given us "for the journey" didn't seem so childish after a
couple of hours on the motorway. It was the longest time we'd spent together in ages
and I'd never realised before how much pleasure you can take in inconsequential chat
and some shared jelly-babies. It was evening by the time we arrived, Tick gently
mocking because I'd taken him the wrong way at one of the junctions in the centre of
town
"Well, I've only been here once before, I didn't know that was a bus lane. That's the way
we went last time."
"On a bus."
"Well yeah, but we're here now."
I couldn't remember the name of the club we'd ended up in. It was late, I thought, but I
wasn't sure. Luke's friends were great, I loved them all. I'd made the most amazing
discovery; fruit flavoured beer. I'd been sceptical at first but Alice was right, it was the
greatest invention ever. Alice was my new best friend, a red-headed history student in a
T-shirt with a slogan that I didn't understand, and didn't want to embarrass myself by
asking. When I say red I don't mean auburn, I mean bright red, poster-paint red.
Everyone knew I couldn't go to the bar so they'd get me a drink while they were there.
I'd been giving them money at the beginning of the evening but I was losing track. Tick
was buying drinks but, although he wasn't anywhere near me and I hadn't opened my
purse for ages, I didn't seem to be running out of beer. Which was good because it was
delicious, if anything it got tastier the more you had.
I didn't want to go home, but everyone else was. Alice grabbed me as I stumbled, just
stopping me from going flying.
"Uneven pavement" I said.
She was laughing. "Yes, that will be it."
"I think we should write to the council." She was still laughing at me and I suddenly
thought it was hilarious. "Write to the council!" I gasped between huge bursts of giggles,
bent over with laughter, Alice's hand firmly clutching the back of my coat. Tick pulled me
upright, wrapping both arms round my waist to support me.
"Tick!" I leant against his shoulder. "I love you, you know."
"Cab I think" said Tick.
"I do, you know."
Tick grinned. "Yes I know. We'd better get you home now."
"But having such fun. Alice. Alice. Alice is wonderful. Where's Alice?"
"She's there." She was on the corner flagging down a taxi.
"I love Alice" I told him.
Squashed into the car I started to feel queasy. Tick kept an arm round me, gently
rubbing a comforting hand on my side. I felt better once I got out of the taxi, and by the
time we were inside I was disappointed that everyone else was going to bed. Tick
brought me a glass of water but I pulled a face at it.
"Sorry, it's all I've got." He put the glass into my hand and kissed the top of my head.
"Drink the water." As he moved away I grabbed for him with my free hand, slopping
water down my front.
"I love you."
"You said." He gently freed his arm and wrapped my hand round the glass. "Drink the
water." I watched him unpack the sleeping bags.
"Do you think you can get yourself ready for bed?" he asked.
"Not without help." I smiled up at him, widening my eyes suggestively.
"You'll be sleeping in your clothes then. Here, let me help you with your shoes." Suddenly
petulant I waved him away, but when I bent over my brain lurched sickeningly in my
head and I had to lean against the back of the sofa until the swimming subsided. Tick
laughed.
"Not funny" I muttered, eyes tight shut.
Lying on the sofa, still in my clothes, with a couple of cushions for pillows, I watched
him unzip the sleeping bag and lift my feet into the end. He spread the rest, open, over
my body.
"Best I can do." He rumpled my hair. "Night."
"Tick?"
"Yes?"
"Where are you going?"
"Just over there." His sleeping bag was on the other side of the room by the wall.
"Kiss?" He laughed and dropped a quick peck onto my lips. I opened my mouth and
shoved my tongue into his, wrapping my arms tight round his neck; as he pulled away I
held on till I was sitting up. He untangled my fingers and, putting my arms against my
chest, gently pushed on them until I was lying down again.
"Go to sleep."
I grabbed the bottom of his trouser leg. "Tick?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
He sighed. "I know. I love you too."
"Tick?"
"Yes?"
"Don't sleep over there."
"Don't be silly. Go to sleep."
In the tenuous light from the window I watched through slitted eyes as he got ready
for bed, hoping he'd take some of his clothes off. All his did was shake out the sleeping
bag, wriggle inside it and turn to face the wall, head propped on one outstretched arm. I
shut my eyes but I wasn't sleepy. I could hear his slow deep breath in the silent room, a
slight rustle of him moving. Restless, I kicked my feet out of the narrow end of my
sleeping bag, rolled onto my side, rolled back, flapped my arms on top of the suddenly too
warm bedding. And all the time the room was full of the soft sounds of him.
I rolled off the sofa and crawled along the floor.
"Tick?" He made a small snoring grunt. I blew in his ear and he flapped and scratched at
it, going "ehrpht" as he turned away from me. I stroked my hand across his shoulder
onto his chest, he hunched into his sleeping bag, pulling it up round his neck; I resisted
the pressure of the soft cloth so that my arm became wrapped against his body, inside his
bedding. I knelt there, watching his calm face, the long lashes still against his high
cheekbones.
"I know you're not asleep" I said. "I can feel your heart." Giggling, I moved my hand
down, tracing one finger onto his stomach.
Snapping hard round my wrist, his hand shot out. Kicking the bag off and standing in
one swift move he kept me trapped in his implacable grip. I dangled from his hold, my
body slumped below my stretched arm as he glared down at me. I couldn't stop myself; I
started giggling. He dropped my hand like it was hot, lunged for the kitchen door and left.
Still giggling like a naughty six year old I pulled myself into his sleeping bag and instantly
slept.
About last night...
"Cup of tea?"
"What?" I squinted gingerly through a fold in the sleeping bag.
"How are you feeling?"
"What?"
Alex sung "Ruff ruff ruff barked the hangover dog" as he clattered around the kitchen.
"What? No, seriously; what are you going on about?"
"I thought you might be feeling rough. Cup of tea?"
"Tea. Yes." I pushed myself up a bit, propping on an elbow as I watched Alex make a pot
of tea.
"You don't look too bad" he said.
"I'm fine, just a bit meh from sleeping in my clothes."
"Oh to be young again."
"You're not old."
"Old enough to suffer in the morning." How bad had I been? I couldn't remember much;
that wasn't a good sign.
Eve came in as Alex was pouring the tea. "Where's Tick?" she asked as she brought me a
cup. I shrugged, the first trickle of returning memory chilling my spine.
A shower and change of clothes fixed me physically but couldn't do anything about my
growing embarrassment.
"Was I that bad?" I asked Eve.
"Nah, you were fine. Don't sweat it."
"I think I might've made a fool of myself."
"Not that I saw. I've seen much worse, don't worry about it. What you need after a good
night out is a proper breakfast, Montys down the road does the works, what do you
think? Then, if you wanted, we could go shopping. I could show you the places we were
talking about last time you came up. Probably best to leave Tick and Luke behind. Where
is Tick?" I shrugged again. Eve gave me a long look. "Okay. You coming for breakfast?
Where's Luke got to? Luke! I won't wait. Is Alex coming? Have you asked him?"
When Eve said the café did the works she wasn't joking. Everyone had just gone up to
the counter and said "Monty breakfast" so I did too. When it came I just stared. A plate
the size of a small tray, filled to the edges, was put in front of me. Each breakfast also had
a side plate of bread and butter with it, we shuffled and jiggled them round till we could
fit it all on the table. As soon as I smelt it I was starving, I started with the bacon and
beans, moving on to the sausage but skirting suspiciously round the black pudding.
"Looks like that's what you needed" said Luke. I nodded. "Perhaps you should've got the
Monty special." I frowned questioningly round my mouthful of mushrooms. "It's the
Monty breakfast with a side order of chips." He laughed at my horrified face.
Nobody seemed bothered about last night, they all thought it was funny that I might
be embarrassed over some minor drunkenness; interrupting each other as they told me
stories of alcohol-related student adventures. I felt much happier by the time Tick turned
up; falling over and loving everyone was nothing compared with the stupid things they
were telling me. He pulled a chair to the corner of the table between me and Eve and
helped me with the rest of my breakfast. No-one asked him where he'd been; no-one
ever does. When my plate was empty Eve pushed hers towards him and he used the
leftover bread to mop up the bits she hadn't managed. He was quiet, but then he was the
only one still seriously eating.
"You coming with me then Kate?" asked Eve. I looked at Tick but he was concentrating
on his food.
"Yes, okay. If that's alright with you?" I touched Tick's elbow and he nodded, still looking
at his plate. Eve glanced at him with a slight frown, and I realised she'd thought I was
asking for permission. All I'd been doing was checking that he hadn't had something he
wanted to do with me, I'd spent most of the previous evening talking with Luke's friends
and it's not like we get much time together. I'd rather spend the day with him than go
shopping with Eve, but he kept quiet and Eve spoke before I could think of what to say.
"That's settled then" she said more firmly that the conversation needed. "Kate and I are
off for a girlie afternoon, you lot can sort yourselves out."
We walked slowly on the way back to the house, putting a gap between us and the
others.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm good. Monty's breakfast is practically medicinal."
"About last night..."
"I know, I'm sorry. The strawberry beer got to me, but apparently it could have been a lot
worse."
He stopped, turning to me, his face unreadable. "About that."
"Compared with the things I've heard this morning." I fell quiet when I saw the look in
his eyes. "What?"
"You shouldn't trust me."
"Of course I trust you."
"Last night I....you can't expect....What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't assume
that..."
I spoke over him impatiently. "I don't take you for granted! I know how lucky I am to
have you. Is this because I'm going shopping? You can come. I gave you every chance to
come up with a better plan."
The embarrassed pleading eyes hardened instantly. "You think I'm a spaniel that you can
pet and tease. You wouldn't tease a rottweiler." My blank expression flared the flinty eyes
into fury. He started to speak then spun, striding away from me, past Luke's house and
down the road. He brushed past Eve, who was waiting at the open door, without
acknowledging her; she stared at me reeling and confused, still standing where I'd been
left.
It wasn't a fun shopping trip. Eve kept trying to talk about Tick, I couldn't decide
whether she was being stupid or just didn't care that I obviously didn't want to. I wasn't
really interested in the clothes and Eve was only giving them half her attention, the whole
thing was an irritating waste of time. Eventually, to shut her up more than anything, I
tried on a couple of dresses. One of them looked okay and, by myself in the quiet of the
changing room, I calmed down. I liked it but decided to ask Eve's opinion as a sort of
peace gesture. She liked it too, but while I was paying for it she was suspiciously
thoughtful.
"Lunch now" she announced as we left the till.
"You're joking. I'm probably not going to eat again for the rest of the week."
"A drink then. Come on." She dragged me rapidly along, sat me at a table and was back
with two coffees before I'd had a chance to speak. She didn't touch her coffee, just sat
staring at me across the table. I stirred mine and picked up the cup to avoid her
unrelenting inspection.
"What happened to your arm?" she finally asked. I pulled my sleeve up to look at the
bruise.
"This? I don't know. I think I must have bumped into something last night. It doesn't
hurt."
"I'm not stupid you know." I didn't say anything, I had no idea what she was talking
about. "Is this why you didn't want to try anything on?"
"But I did try things on" I protested. "I bought the dress."
"Yes, that's when I saw it." This was crazy, I had no idea what she was getting so worked
up about. I went to pull my sleeve down but she suddenly lunged across the table and
grabbed my hand. She wrapped her other hand round my wrist and I saw what she'd
seen, what I hadn't noticed till now. The bruise wasn't a round blob shape, if you turned
my arm over you could clearly see the longer streaks of purple; four of them on the pale
flesh of my inner arm and a circle where his thumb had been. I stared at it as my actions
the previous night returned with a terrifying clarity. Eve was talking but I wasn't
listening. I remembered how fast his heart had been beating under my hand, the way I'd
refused to leave him alone. I'd stood before I realised it; I had to get back, I had to
apologise.
"Sit down!" Eve's voice was so sharp I sat instinctively. "You need to start listening to
me. This is wrong."
"No, it's alright. It's not what you think."
"Really?"
I ignored her condescending tone, "Really. It was an accident."
"An accident? No-one accidentally gives someone else fingertip bruising. You have to be
very rough to leave a mark like that. I know about this." That's right, she was studying to
be a social worker. My heart sank, I couldn't see any way out of this conversation.
"Please Eve, just let it go. Just take my word for it that it was a one-off accident. Tick just
misjudged his strength, he wouldn't hurt me on purpose."
"Are you afraid of him?" she asked.
"No! Of course not!"
"You seem very anxious all of a sudden. Why did you cover it? To protect him?"
"It's April. Everyone’s wearing long sleeves. You're wearing long sleeves."
"A young inexperienced girl can easily find herself in an abusive relationship, but you
don't have to put up with it. I know he plays on your insecurities but, Kate, believe me
when I tell you that you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman, you don't need this,
there are hundreds of young men, gentle nice men, out there for you. Don't settle for
this." I suddenly remembered Maureen saying I could have my pick of the young men
and wanted to giggle. Eve must have seen something of the hysterical laughter in my
face, her professionally patient understanding voice picked up a sharper edge. "Kate, you
have to listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. There are people out there to help
you. Websites, support groups for abused women. All you need is to find your inner
strength and you will have the courage to turn your back and walk away."
I stopped holding in my temper. "I know you mean well and it must be so exiting for you
to be able to put all that study into practice but honestly, you've got it all wrong."
Eve was unfazed by my shouting. She put her patient voice back on. "Bruises don't lie
Kate" she said.
"I keep telling you. It was an accident. He didn't mean to hurt me. Really it was my
fault." Eve banged her cup down. I could see I'd said the wrong thing.
"It's never the woman's fault. To make you feel that is the most underhand, manipulative
tool of the abuser." And so she went on. Fifteen minutes without a break. I just waited it
out. Most of my thoughts were filled with the horror of my behaviour to Tick, working
out what I'd say when I finally got away from Eve and found him. She must have thought
my introspection meant I was taking in what she was saying because when she
eventually stopped she accepted a small nod as my contribution to the conversation and
suggested we go home.
When we got home Luke, Alex, Tick and Sam were all cooking.
"How was shopping?" asked Luke. "You didn't buy much."
"We were talking" said Eve as I lifted my bag to show evidence of shopping.
"Doesn't look like Kate enjoyed your chat much" said Alex, I tried to re-arrange my face
into a less stressed appearance.
"How many people are you feeding?" asked Eve.
"Um, not sure." Luke handed the wooden spoon to Sam and came over to give her a hug.
"More than some, less than numerous."
Alex was shaking a bag experimentally. "I don't think we're going to have enough rice."
"I'll get some" said Tick. "Corner shop still open?"
"I'll come with you." I shrugged my jacket back on.
"On second thoughts, I don't know where the shop is. Perhaps Sam should go."
"I know where it is." I picked up my bag, ready to go.
"Yeah, I'll go. You can come with me if you want Kate." Sam, famously the laziest of
Luke's friends, seemed very willing to run an errand. I gave Tick a suspicious look as he
chopped up vegetables.
I tried to help with the cooking but they shooed me away, Eve went up to Luke's room
but all I could do was sit in the armchair and watch. Tick stayed in the middle of the
kitchen, laughing and joking as he helped stir up huge pots of stuff. He never once looked
in my direction. It wasn't until the room was full of people and bowls were being handed
round that I got a chance to speak to him. He'd sat on the floor on the opposite side of
the room to me but I went and sat beside him.
"I need to talk to you" I said quietly under the general noise.
"I don't want to do this now." He stood and filled his bowl from the nearest pan then
moved round to talk to Sam, putting the whole room-full of people between us. That was
the nearest I got to him all night. When everyone had left and it was time for me to make
my bed on the sofa, he wasn't anywhere. I hadn't seen him go, and I didn't know where
he could have gone, but his sleeping bag was gone too.
That doesn't sound good
The M1 is a very long road; even longer when driven in complete silence. Tick stared
ahead, concentrating on his driving like he'd just passed his test. I gazed out of the side
window at the hard shoulder as it ran endlessly by, occasionally lifting my eyes to the
trees behind the barrier for a change of view. The seatbelt was a hard line against my
neck as I sagged against it but I couldn't be bothered to push my body back up into a
better position. A sign occasionally broke across my sight, but never for a place I
recognised; we still had a long way to go. Scratching an itch on my knee pulled my mind
back into the car and I sat up, wiggling my shoulders against the seat. I rummaged in the
side of the door and pulled out two sweets.
"Jelly baby?"
"No thank you." His eyes didn't move from the back of the car we were following. I put
both the sweets in my mouth where they sat thick and cloying on my dry tongue.
When we passed a sign for services I asked "Can we have a wee break?" He didn't
respond, just flicked the indicator and moved into the left lane. I didn't really want to go,
just needed to get out, no matter how briefly. Tick swung the car into a parking space,
turned off the engine, then just sat there, still looking through the windscreen.
I opened my door. "Aren't you getting out?" I asked.
"Don't need to."
"Okay then." I shoved the door hard; it bounced back and caught my shoulder as I was
half out. I slammed it shut behind me, trampling the jelly babies that had jumped from
the pocket in the side, and strode across the carpark trying not to cry.
I spent a long time washing my hands then splashed water on my face, trying to think
of the thing I could say that would break through and make him talk to me. The flat
overhead light and dull mirrors in these places are always unflattering but I was
surprised at how hard my face looked as I blinked the water away and peered back at
myself. I felt wobbly, flailing, unbalanced; I hadn't expected to see my mouth in a thin line
and my eyes staring fiercely. My face wasn't the face of someone who's insides churned
and who's brain fuzzed with dread. Is this what he could see? Did he think I was angry?
Not anger, I realised as I examined my reflection; panic. But I looked stroppy, and I didn't
seem to be able to change it. I tried smiling at the mirror, frowned my eyes tight shut
then relaxed the muscles; nothing changed the way I stared blankly from a rigid mask.
I detoured into the shop to get a drink, hoping there'd be a long queue to pay. As I
dithered in front of the fridges I thought about communication, how all the magazines
went on about it all the time as if it was a difficult skill you had to learn, how smug I'd
been with my perfect bond; we communicated on such a deep visceral level, what need
had we of words? And now I had no words, no way of reaching him, of breaking the wall
he was building. Did he also have no words, or was he choosing not to use them?
Couldn't he talk to me or wouldn't he?
He was standing next to the car staring absently across the car-park with his back to
me, I snuck up behind him and slid my arms round his waist. He didn't move at all, but it
was as if he pulled himself inside his body, away from his skin, so that I felt like I was
hugging a tree or a wall. I squeezed my arms tighter but he just stood, waiting for me to
let go.
Back on the road, watching the trees, my mind was a hazy blank into which the same
words kept jumping. "I can't do this. I can't do this." I just stopped myself muttering
them aloud, which pulled me up with a start. I was pretty sure he'd been looking at me,
that I'd seen his eyes snap back to the road as I sat up, so I stared at him, trying to get
him to turn to me. But he wouldn't.
"What are you thinking?" I eventually asked. It felt like a line from a dumb movie.
"Just driving." He didn't look round, not even a sideways flick of his eyes.
"You must be thinking about something."
"Nothing much." Now ask me what I'm thinking, I thought, but he didn't say anything
and we relapsed into the same dull silence.
After a few miles I couldn't bear it any more. Rejection couldn't be worse than this
dreadful dragging silence, I tried again.
"Please talk to me." Pathetic.
"Sorry I'm not feeling chatty."
"Why not?"
"I'm just tired, need to concentrate on my driving."
"Do you want a drink?" I dug out the bottle I'd bought at the services.
"I'm tired too" I said as he passed the water back. I took a large glug and plunged on. "I
hardly slept last night, thinking about the night before."
He spoke quickly. "I don't really want to talk now, just get back, is that alright with you?"
"Of course." I tried to keep my voice light. "How far now?"
"Maybe an hour, hour and a half, depending on the traffic."
"Will I see you tomorrow?"
I watched his shoulders tighten before he answered. "Can't say at the moment, until I've
spoken to Jasper."
"Okay" I said meekly. "I'd like to if you can get away."
He turned, the first time he'd actually looked at me all day. "Kate. Can we please just get
home?" He was interrupted by an ominous rattle and bang from the engine. "You've got
the be kidding me!"
"That doesn't sound good" I said.
"You think?" He manoeuvred the dying car onto the hard shoulder and turned off the
engine. I sat in a tight huddle as he hammered his hands against the steering wheel,
hissing between his teeth. Eventually he stopped and swung himself out of the door. I
stayed where I was, watching him through the windscreen as he kicked the car before
wrenching open the bonnet.
His face was suddenly beside me on the other side of the glass. He said something that
I couldn't hear through the window so I opened the door; it jumped from my hand as he
pulled it at the same time.
"What are you doing?" he snapped.
"Nothing."
"You can't sit in the car on the hard shoulder, it's not safe."
"Oh. Okay." I remembered now. We'd had to stand in the rain when Dad's car had
broken down a year or so back. I scuttled out of the car and over the barrier into the
scrubby grass as quickly as I could under his exasperated face.
"What's happened?" I asked.
"The engine's broken."
"I mean what's happened to the engine?"
"Don't know. I'm no mechanic."
"Can't you fix it?"
His voice oozed with false patience. "No, I said. I'm not a motor mechanic."
"I meant, you know, just make it not broken." I quailed under his fierce look. "I don't
know, I just thought maybe......"
"Just wave my hands?" he snapped. "Just shazzam – everything's alright now? Is that
what you want?" I didn't say anything. "Grow up little girl!" He was shouting, I was
trying not to cry. There was a long silence then he half shrugged and turned from me,
thrusting his hands deep into his pockets and hunching his shoulders. "I've called the
RAC" he muttered.
"That's good. How long will we have to wait?"
"I don't know. They didn't say. They'll be here when they get here. Alright?" He took
three quick steps away from me, I sat down on the scratchy grass.
The ground was damp, not enough to notice at first but it did that creeping up on you
thing where you don't suddenly think my trousers are wet, you just feel as if they always
have been. I watched the lorries sway as they went by, much bigger and louder that
they'd been when I was on the road with them. The tears crept up on me like the damp
ground; I didn't start crying so much as let myself realise that I was. My nose had started
running and I didn't have any tissue in my pocket, I clambered back over to the car.
Rummaging in my handbag then opening the back door and pulling out my holdall, I
wondered if he was watching me but I didn't look at him. I found my tissues and also
pulled out a notebook and pen. Sitting back behind the safety of the barrier, at least a
metre away from his hunched form, I found an empty page and started writing.
ARE YOU BREAKING YOUR GIRLFRIENDS HEART?
TAKE PART IN OUR FUN EASY QUIZ
I tell her what's on my mind.
a) always
b) sometimes
c) never
I kill all attempts at conversation
a) always
b) sometimes
c) never
I think she might be angry with me
a) no
b) yes
I'm frightened to ask her whether she's angry
a) no
b) yes
I'm not interested in whether she's angry with me or why that might be (she's not)
a) no
b) yes
I'm angry with her
a) no
b) yes
I've told her why I'm angry with her so that she can do something about it
a) no
b) yes
I don't want to be with her any more
a) no
b) yes
I don't know how to tell her
a) no
b) yes
When we get back home I'm going to finish it with her
a) no
b) yes
I stopped and read back what I'd written so far, sniffing into a disgusting bit of soggy
tissue. It wasn't working the way I'd wanted it to, I was horrified how quickly I'd got
myself to the idea of us splitting up. I started scribbling hurriedly.
I know how much she loves me
a) yes
b) no
I know that her life would be a hollow meaningless shell if I walked away from her
a) yes
b) no
I know that she's frightened
a) yes
b) no
I know that she feels the bond between us deeper and stronger everyday
a) yes
b) no
I know that she will fight for me with every ounce of her being
a) yes
b) no
But if I've stopped loving her she will let me go, because my happiness is the most
important thing to her.
My horrified hand froze. It had been as if the sentence had written itself, looping untidily
from the pen of its own accord. Is this what it had come to? Had I broken everything so
comprehensively that it couldn't be mended? It was true, I would let him go. I loved him
too much to try to hold him if he didn't want to be with me. If only one of us could be
happy then I wanted it to be him. But it was impossible to imagine. I would fix this, I had
to.
The notebook slid from my knees and I let it go, no point in picking it up. I'd never
give it to him. The more I thought about it the stupider it seemed, it was just childish and
dumb, it would irritate him, there was no way it could help the whole messed up
situation. A quick peek confirmed that he hadn't moved, shoulders tight, head up, looking
back the way we'd come. I twisted slightly so I was facing down the road away from him,
staring hard at the backs of the cars as they hurried on past, pretending to be fascinated
by their number plates and rear lights while I tried to take a mature view of my situation.
A long time passed as I waded through a fog of emotions, trying to see clearly through the
fear. Eventually I gave up. I couldn't sort this out on my own.
I stood beside him, staring at the top of his head for ages; he flicked his eyes to me
once then carried on staring at the traffic. His feet were practically touching the barrier,
in the end I stepped over it so that I could stand right in front of him. I saw him take in
my puffy eyes and red nose and an unreadable expression passed across his face before
he closed it down again. We stared at each other while I tried to remember what I'd
intended to say.
"Tick?"
"Hmm?"
"We need to talk." He flinched.
"No we don't. I'd rather skip that."
"What?"
"The talk. Please." His desperate eyes confused me.
"But if we don't talk about it how can......."
"No!" he jumped up and spun away. "I'm not stupid" he snapped. The force of his anger
made me stagger with surprise. I took an instinctive step towards him and banged my
shin against the barrier. The unexpected pain sent tears flooding over my face again.
Wanting to wail with hurt and frustration I hobbled back to my old spot on the scrubby
grass and surrendered to it all, trying to muffle my sobs on my knees.
And the car
I could feel the RAC man pretending not to notice the state I was in. I'd pulled myself
together, I wasn't crying any more, but I could imagine how I must look. He and Tick
stood by the open bonnet discussing the engine while I scrabbled round picking up the
soggy tissues that surrounded the flattened patch of verge. My father would be proud of
me; even as my life tumbled into ruins I didn't leave litter.
"Kate!" I shoved the rubbish into the car and hurried over. Tick didn't look at me, just
watched the RAC man as he explained to me what he'd already told Tick; the car was
beyond fixing at the roadside, he would take us the rest of the way home.
"What about the car?" I asked.
He smiled. "And the car, I'll put it on the back of my truck" he said, speaking gently like a
doctor breaking bad news. I wondered how mad I must look to him.
Tick and I stood in stiff silence watching him pull the front wheels of the car onto the
back of the breakdown van. It took ever such a long time. Even when I thought it was
done he spent ages walking round adjusting chains and straps. Tick never spoke and I
couldn't.
There were two passenger seats in the front of the truck, Tick sat in the middle next to
the driver and I resumed my absent staring out of the window. All the way home they
chatted amiably about this and that until I wanted to scream. Tick showed no sign that
there was anything wrong with him, I knew it had to be an act but it grated on my nerves
as if it was the truth. I leant against the window, keeping my body as far over as possible
and he kept himself pulled in tight and upright so that there was no chance of us
accidentally making contact.
"Do you have a garage you use, where we can deliver the vehicle, or shall I take it to your
local RAC place?" asked the driver.
"You can drop it off at my house. My landlord fixes up cars, this is one of his projects." I
was the only one that didn't laugh.
I was hoping Jasper wouldn't be in. I didn't want him to see me like this, and an empty
house would, maybe, give us a chance to talk. But as we were pulling off the motorway
Tick spoke.
"Could you make a slight detour and drop Kate off at her home please?" RAC man puffed
out his cheeks and huffed through his teeth.
"It's not far is it?"
"Practically on the way; five, ten minutes tops."
"Alright then."
"Good, that's sorted.” He didn't look at me. Not then, not when I was pulling my bags out
from the space behind his seat, not when I said goodbye and shut the door, not as I stood
on the kerb and watched them drive away.
Aren't you hot?
"You look exhausted" said Mum the next morning. "You must have enjoyed yourself!"
I grunted. "I've got to get to work, you can tell me all about it tonight." I put my phone
on the table and sat in front of it. Twice I moved my hand towards the black screen then
pulled it back again. When it rang I jumped.
"You're late!"
"Sorry Em, go without me."
"You okay?"
"Fine."
"Still hungover after your dirty weekend?"
"Something like that. I'll see you later." I hung up.
Forcing myself to keep it in my hand, I stared at the phone. Just do it. Don't think, just
ring him. I slammed it back onto the table and stood up. Toast, I thought, I'll make
myself some breakfast then I'll do it.
I wasn't hungry, the toast sat next to the phone, both equally repellent. I had no idea
what the time was, how late for school I was. I didn't care. Suddenly something snapped
inside me. I grabbed the phone and rung him. His phone was off. I couldn't decide if I
was relieved or sorry. I couldn't face school. I went back to bed.
It was three in the afternoon and I was starving. I tried Tick on the way downstairs
and again while I inspected my options in the cupboard, then I suddenly realised that if I
didn't get out soon a parent would catch me and know I hadn't been to school. I could say
I was ill, normally I would have done that, but I remembered Emma's comment. I
couldn't face my father teasing me about having too good a time with Tick. I couldn't let
them catch on that something was wrong. Mum would make him back off if I looked
upset, but I knew I couldn't discuss the weekend at all without dissolving into such
misery that she'd be all over me too. Even thinking about talking about it had brought
me close to tears.
I had a quick shower then dressed in the sort of clothes I'd have worn to school; I
nearly always got in before them anyway, it would be very bad luck for today to be the
day one of them got off early. I caught myself thinking that it would be typical of the bad
luck I was having at the moment but shook that thought off angrily. It wasn't bad luck,
I'd done it to myself. I'd behaved badly and now I had to fix it. Me; my fault, my problem
that I'd created. Tick's phone was still off. I spent a long time composing my text, typing
and deleting. In the end I kept it very simple.
"Hi Hope you're ok So sorry about the weekend Please ring me as soon as you can Miss
you." I re-read it, agonised for another minute then hit send.
He didn't ring that evening. All next day at school I kept surreptitiously turning my
phone on to check for missed calls or text messages but there was nothing. I gave Emma
and Chloe an edited version of what Emma was still insisting on calling our dirty
weekend. It was easier than I expected, Emma kept asking questions so I just answered
them. It gave the impression that I was telling them all about it but, of course, she
wasn't asking the right questions.
At work Jasper asked me if I was okay and I froze, but it was just random politeness.
Tick's phone was still off and he hadn't replied to my message. I had no way of knowing
if his phone had been continuously off, so he hadn't got my message yet, or he was
ignoring it. I'd never tried to contact him before so I had no idea how he used his phone.
Up to now I'd always accepted that he spent all his free time with me and if he wasn't
with me he was busy doing whatever he did so I didn't want to distract him. For all I
knew his phone was permanently off except when he rang or texted me. Or maybe he'd
seen my message and not replied. It was only three days and I often didn't see him for
weeks. But I couldn't leave this for weeks, I needed to fix it now. Part of me hoped that it
would fix itself. Perhaps all he needed was some time to calm down and get over it.
Maybe he'd turn up soon, apologising for losing his temper, and I'd say no it was all my
fault and everything would be just as it was before. Or, even better, maybe we would
never mention it, just put it behind us without needing to discuss it. Or maybe he hated
me for doing that to him and I'd lost him forever.
I'd deleted Eve's email without opening it, she hadn't lost any time. If she sent me
anything else I was going to mark her address as junk. I wondered if she'd email Mum
about me. The worry of that buzzed round my main worry like an irritating fly, I felt like
I had a permanent headache these days.
"Aren't you hot?" Hannah made me jump. I tried not to look guilty.
"I know, I wasn't thinking. I forgot to change into a T-shirt before I came to work." No
matter what the weather outside it's always hot in the chip shop, the fryer throws out so
much heat.
"You should roll your sleeves up" she said.
"Yes." But I didn't. I was saved by Jasper.
"Now, listen up people. Those of you who pay attention will know that I'm not here from
Friday. I've pinned Maureen's and Ryan's numbers to the board. Maureen is officially in
charge while I'm away, if you can't get hold of her and you have an emergency you should
call Ryan. My phone will be off, off, off. I've been looking forward to this for months and
nothing short of you incompetent lot actually burning the place down is going to make
me come home early. Got that?"
"Where are you going?" asked Hannah.
Jasper sighed. "Pay attention people, I'm sure I've told you this."
"He's going to get together with his fellow bird fanciers to compare binoculars" crowed
Ryan. "By the way, I was thinking it would probably be a good idea if I had the phone
numbers of all the staff. Just in case. At least all the female ones." He grinned broadly at
Hannah's face.
"I can see that an ornithological convention will provide some of you with much cause
for hilarity. That's fine, enjoy yourselves at my expense. Just don't burn my shop. Or
each other." I concentrated on fiddling with a rough fingernail. I knew that he wasn't
going to an ornithological convention, he was going to be leaving our world for some kind
of meeting. I didn't know if Tick was supposed to have told me or not, so I kept my eyes
down so Jasper wouldn't see anything in my expression.
I was so hot, I could feel my face getting red, but no-one else mentioned my long
sleeves for the rest of the evening. Ryan was interrogating John about his date the night
before. Hannah and I exchanged glances, Ryan wanted all the lurid details and poor John
was desperately trying to fend him off.
"If it was up to you," said Hannah, "he wouldn't have had a date at all. I heard he asked
you to swap shifts with him and you said no."
"Well, it would have meant working this Saturday, and I had plans." Ryan casually
brushed off her dig. "Anyway, it all worked out. He found someone else. So that's fine."
"Yes" said John. "Tick covered for me."
"See, he didn't need me after all. Anyway, I didn't see you offering."
"Tick worked here yesterday evening?" I asked when I could breath again.
"Yeah, he offered. Good bloke Tick. He said he had nothing else on, said it wouldn't be a
problem."
"So, did she mean coffee or "coffee"?" asked Ryan as my world spun round then crashed
at my feet.
That's no excuse
"You look awful, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired."
"Don't give me that" said Emma. "Chloe and I are worried about you."
"You've been talking about me?"
"Yes, we're your friends. We're concerned." The sympathy on their waiting faces pierced
my thin armour and I crumpled.
"Please" I eventually managed. "I can't." Chloe started to say something but I shook my
head violently. "Not here. Don't make me cry in school."
"Oh baby!" Emma and Chloe hurried forward to envelope me. They stood patiently as I
struggled to pull myself together behind the shield of their arms.
"So what is it?" We were at Chloe's after school.
"I..." I sniffed hard and wiped my eyes. "I think..." It was no good, I was off again. Emma
and Chloe waited. "Have you got more tissue?"
"Is it your mum?" asked Chloe as she produced a box of tissues. I shook my head. "Your
dad?" I shook my head.
"So it's Tick?" asked Emma, and I nodded.
"What did he do?"
"Nothing. It wasn't him it was me. He hates me. I've tried to talk to him but he won't.
He's gone and I can't get him back and it's all my fault."
Emma was sitting next to me stroking my arm. "It can't be that bad. He'd never walk
away from you."
"Perhaps he just needs time" said Chloe on my other side.
"No, he's gone, I know it."
"What did you do?" asked Emma gently.
"I. It was when we were at Luke's. I was drunk and I, I said some things I shouldn't
have."
"But you were drunk" said Chloe. "He knew you were drunk right?"
"That's no excuse." I scrubbed viciously at my face with my fist of tissues.
"Where you very drunk?" laughed Emma.
"It's not funny!"
"No, sorry, I know. I'm just trying to imagine you wasted."
Chloe kept her voice serious. "Were you wasted? I mean so drunk that he had to know
you were drunk?"
"Oh yes. I was gone."
"I can't believe he'd take anything that seriously. Not unless you did something wrong
the next day, when you were sober." Chloe inspected my face. "What did you say?"
"I can't tell you."
"Can't be that bad" said Emma. "We won't judge, you can tell us."
"No, please. I can't. I behaved really really badly. If I was him I'd hate me."
"But Kate, I've seen the way he looks at you. I can't imagine him ever hating you."
"I hate me. So smug, I was so smug. You must've all hated me. Now look. It's all turned
to crap. I've turned it all to crap."
"Hey!" Emma put her arm round my shoulder and squeezed me to her. "Don't say that.
No-one hates you."
"Tick does." I gave in and sobbed loudly against her while she and Chloe patted and
stroked me.
It was a sign of how bad I looked that they didn't push for any more information. I
knew they wouldn't forget, they'd wait until they thought I'd got over it and then they'd
want all the details. I would worry about it then, even though Tick and I weren't together
anymore, I'd never give away his secrets. Or Jasper's.
"I don't think you should be on your own with your parents away." said Emma. "Instead
of coming to yours on Saturday to get the party ready, we'll come home with you from
school tomorrow and stay for the whole weekend. I hate to think about you in a dark
empty house all night."
"I'm working tomorrow evening. But thank you, it was a kind thought."
"What time do you finish?"
"Not till late. I'll be fine really. I'll just get a cab home and go to bed."
"And you'll sleep okay?" asked Chloe shrewdly. "Are you sleeping properly?"
"Not a first" I admitted. "But better now. And I'll be tired after a day at school and a long
evening at work."
"We'll come round first thing Saturday morning then. Make sure you eat a proper
breakfast." Chloe and I grinned at the maternal fervour, but I was moved by it.
That evening I received my fifth email from Eve. I was about to delete it without
opening it when I realised how stupid I was being. She was genuinely worried and,
based on the information she had, she had every right to be. I couldn't expect her to just
forget about it, she'd probably got Luke involved by now and it couldn't be long before
my parents were contacted. I opened it and hit reply without focusing on a single word of
her message, I couldn't cope with her well-meaning advice.
“Don't worry, it's over” I typed. I had to wipe my eyes before I could click send,the screen
has disappeared behind a blur of tears.
Don't worry about me
Our last customer only just made it, I was halfway to the door. He gave me a weak
smile as I swung the closed sign round and waited to lock him out. I hoped he'd make do
with whatever we had left; I could see Ryan's hand hovering near the off switch for the
fryer.
"Is Jasper around" he asked Maureen after pointlessly scanning the empty room, his eyes
now fixed on the door to the back office.
"Sorry love, he's away for a few days."
"Never mind, I was just hoping to catch him. Old friend unexpectedly in town." He
hesitated, looking aimlessly round.
"Do you want anything? Fish or chips?" asked Ryan, hand still hovering.
The man's gaze refocused on Maureen. "Could I have some water please?" Ryan flipped
the fryer off and gathered up his buckets. Maureen put a bottle of water on the counter.
"That's one twenty love." The man held out his left hand, his right arm didn't move from
his side, wrapped tightly round across his stomach. He moved slowly back to the door, I
slammed it shut behind him and pushed the top bolt closed.
As I was mopping the floor I couldn't get the slow tired man out of my head.
Something was scratching at the back of my mind, something wrong. When I moved a
chair back to the table by the window I saw him, sitting on a bench on the other side of
the road, eyes blank in a resigned face. He hadn't given Maureen any money! It was
obvious now, why hadn't I seen at the time? Maureen had accepted his pretend payment
calmly and rung it into the till, she hadn't noticed anything odd. I stared at him, trying to
see that anonymous aura that I'd occasionally recognised in Tick's or Jasper's friends. I
couldn't see anything, it was possible that I was imagining it, he might have given
Maureen money, I hadn't been paying attention.
He was still there when I left, slumped into himself on the empty bench. He could
need help. I was right in front of him before his eyes registered me.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
I saw the effort his half smile cost him. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me." The suggestion
settled over my thoughts. He was fine, I didn't need to worry. I took a step back then
shook it off irritably. Reasonably sure now, I sat next to him; he made an attempt at
sitting straighter, his face tightening as he moved.
"You're a friend of Jasper?" I asked, wondering how to get through to him. Maybe I was
imagining it; I could be about to make a huge fool of myself. He grunted agreement. "I'm
a friend of Jasper too" I told him. I tried to catch his eye but his head was sunk forward
under its own weight. "Some of Jasper's friends are a bit unusual." He ignored me. "I
thought you might need some help."
He sighed. "I'm fine, please go away. I don't need any help." I stared at him in frustration.
"What's your name?"
"Joe." He turned to me. "Please go away." I felt the force of the suggestion and plunged
in.
"Do you know Tick? His brother, Rez, is good at healing but Tick is apparently useless. I
don't think Rez is in this world and I couldn't contact him even if he is. I can't contact Tick
or Jasper but Tick often knows when I'm in trouble." I'd said it without thinking, and the
shock of it jolted right through me. I pushed the pain away and concentrated on my
current problem. "Jasper won't be back till next Friday, please let me help you; I think you
might be hurt." In the silence that followed I wondered whether I'd got it all wrong and
landed myself with a weirdo.
"How did you know?" he eventually asked quietly.
"You didn't give Maureen any money."
"Sorry, I was thirsty."
"Are you hurt?" He lifted the edge of his jacket, giving me a quick glimpse of red oozing
through his spread fingers. "I think you'd better come home with me" I said.
Been better
I called a cab, he was in no state to walk. When it pulled up I had to help him stand,
he'd weakened rapidly in the time we'd been waiting, as soon as I'd taken charge and he
could relax he'd withdrawn into his pain. Looking at him now, I couldn't imagine how
much it had taken to walk normally into the shop and ask for Jasper. As we shuffled to
the taxi the driver stared suspiciously.
"He's not drunk is he? I don't want no mess in the back."
"He's ill." I lowered him onto the seat and helped him swing his legs in.
"'He's not gonna throw up is he?" I hurriedly put my bag on his lap, trying to cover the
blood that had oozed through his coat.
"He's got the flu" I snapped and shut the door, hurrying round to the other side.
"I don't wanna catch it." I slammed my door shut, ignoring him. All the way home, as I
kept a steadying hand against my barely conscious companion, he maintained a
monologue about the bugs going round at the moment and how taxi drivers were
exposed to them all. I started panicking that I didn't have enough money for the fare, but
I daren't get my purse out to check; I didn't want to draw his attention to the dark marks
spreading round my bag.
I had enough money for the fare and a tip, which cheered our driver up so much he
offered to help us to the front door. I assured him I could cope, trying to keep between
him and blood-smeared man. We stumbled into the hall and I hesitated, not sure what to
do with him. It was decided for me when he lurched to the sofa and collapsed with a
groan and a whimper. Dumping my bag and coat on the floor, I hurried over, wondering
what on earth to do next as I knelt beside him.
He opened his eyes and whispered "Thank you." I nodded, trying not to look as panicked
as I felt. "Could I have a drink?" I hurried to the kitchen, grateful to be helpful. Three
glasses of water later, I've never know someone so thirsty, I was hovering uncertainly
over the sofa. "Can you help me with my clothes?" he asked. "We have to take a look at
it." Kneeling, I parted his jacket and lifted his shirt, he bit down hard on his lip as I
moved the material, making me nervous, so clumsier. Grimly ignoring the slippery feel
of the gore covered buttons, I undid his shirt and, squinting slightly in case it was really
awful, exposed his right side.
"What does it look like?"
"I don't know I can't see anything." It was true, all I could see was a vaguely skin coloured
blur that smudged as I tried to focus on it.
He hissed between his teeth. "It's the camo."
"What?"
"Camouflaging glamour to protect me if I'm too weak to maintain my look."
"Can't you stop it?"
"It's too deep in my subconscious. The more pain, the weaker I grow, the more it kicks
in. Help me up a bit." I supported his shoulders as he tried to twist round to look at his
side, but he couldn't get the right angle. His head flopped and I lay him back down.
Panting roughly he shut his eyes. I waited. "It's no good. Can't get there. You'll have to
see through it."
" I can't!" We stared at each other in mutual frustration.
"Can't I take you to the hospital? I asked hopefully.
"The Camo" he pointed out through a rough grin.
"Oh." Now I felt stupid.
"Can you get some warm water? Presumably you can wash it even if you can't see it.
And something to wrap it with." I grabbed a flannel, some towels and what I hoped was
an old sheet then filled a bowl from the hot tap. Wasn't it meant to be boiled water? Or
was that childbirth? He was lying still; his eyes flickered open as I knelt at his side, then
shut again. Dabbing gingerly, I squeezed the water out of the flannel, hoping to flush out
the dirt without having to touch him too much. The water that run into the towel that I
hastily shoved onto the sofa was bright red. It was surreal, the water ran clear, grew
hazy, then reappeared scarlet. I kept dipping and squeezing, hoping I was doing some
good.
"Stones" he muttered. I moved to his head to hear better. "I fell on gravel, you need to
make sure there's nothing lodged in the wound." I nodded reassuringly, suppressing a
shudder.
He gasped when I plunged the flannel blindly towards his body and I snatched it back.
"Sorry." More carefully, I started at the edge of the blurring, wiping gently against the
resistance that told me I was touching him. His silence gave me confidence and I slowly
developed a rhythm. Dip, squeeze, wipe, dip, squeeze, wipe. I tried to feel the shape of
the wound under the cloth, to work out which way I should move my hand. I was vaguely
aware that I needed to wash any dirt away from the flesh, that I could be accidentally
pushing it into the wound but there was nothing I could do about that. Unfocussing my
eyes, I concentrated on my hand; dip, squeeze, wipe. I gingerly lifted a flap of ragged skin
to check underneath it before I realised what I was doing. The haze had gone without me
noticing, I'd slowly accepted sight of the wound without conscious thought. It was good
that it had crept up on me slowly, it wasn't nice. I'm not sure that I could have touched it
if I'd seen it first. Pushing that thought away I carried on cleaning, carefully checking all
the torn swollen flesh for dirt and gravel. There was less blood now, I didn't know if that
was good or bad.
Everything looked clean, I decided. The skin round the edge was a bit greeny-purple
but hopefully that was just bruising. The gaping hole, the "inside bit", was red and
glistening, like a joint of meat, said a voice in the back of my head and I fought sudden
nausea. I had no idea how to bandage it and looked to him for further instructions. And
shrieked with shock. He was instantly alert.
"What? What's happened?"
"Nothing. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. It's just that I can see you and I wasn't
expecting it. The person lying on the sofa looked nothing like the man I'd brought to the
house. Shorter, stockier, square head on bulky shoulders, black eyes darting
apprehensively in a craggy weathered face. He lay back against the cushion, breathing
hard.
"How does it look?" he asked.
"I don't know, I've no experience. I think it's clean now."
He took in my worried eyes and shaking hand. "Thank you, you've done well."
"I hope I didn't hurt you too much."
A fleeting smile. "No, you're a natural nurse. Do you have anything for bandages?" Under
his instructions I made a thick pad of sheet and, cutting the rest into long strips, strapped
the pad to his side. It was hard for him, he had to lift his body so that I could get my
hands under him and he insisted that the pad was pushed really tight into the wound
even though I could tell that it hurt him. I desperately tried to keep my movements firm
and confident, I knew I'd hurt him more if I dithered squeamishly; the first time he
winced and hissed I'd jerked my hand causing his whole body to judder. When we'd
finished and he fell back with a long groan I wrapped my arms tight round my body, the
sudden trembling uncontrollable.
By the time I'd taken the bowl and towels to the kitchen he looked asleep. I examined
him carefully, not knowing what I was looking for. He didn't look comfortable, but then he
did have a huge hole in his side, was this a healing sleep or should I be worried?
I rang Jasper's phone then Ticks, even though I knew neither would be answered.
Having no idea what to do now, I put the towels into the washing machine, throwing in
loads of Mum's stain remover and hoping for the best. Unable to settle, I kept drifting into
the sitting room to look at him sleeping, then leaving hastily when his eyes started
twitching under the lids. Suddenly starving, I shoved some cheese into a bread roll, ate
half then forgot about it; I found it later in the hall, edges dry and crumbling, and chucked
it in the bin. The washing machine finished but I was afraid to take the towels out in case
they were still bloody. A small part of my mind was worried about the new sofa, but I
filed that away as beyond my control. Hearing him move, I went in and found him
smiling at me.
"How are you" I asked.
"Been better. Been a lot worse too" he added hurriedly when he saw my face. "Don't
worry I've been in worse scrapes than this."
I tried to return his smile. "Do you want anything?"
"A drink would be good, thank you." I got him some more water. "It's the blood-loss.
Makes you thirsty" he explained as he handed back the empty glass. "What's your
name?"
"Kate."
"I'm Brackley."
"Not Joe?"
A ragged half-laugh. "No, not Joe. Thank you Kate, I don't know what would have
happened to me without you." I shrugged, embarrassed by his sincerity.
He was obviously in a lot of pain, you could see it in his eyes and his unnatural
stillness. I didn't know what to do to help, all I could offer was a couple of ibuprofen and I
didn't think they'd make any difference.
"You need proper help" I said. "Proper doctors and medicine."
"I know, I was rather counting on Jasper." I felt panic fluttering round the edge of my
mind. How long would he be on my sofa? I couldn't help him at all, just watch him suffer.
He was watching me carefully. "Jasper will come" he said gently. "I sent out an S.O.S.
before you rescued me. He'll be here soon." I dropped into the armchair; relief, and his
sympathetic reassuring tone, had made me wobbly. By the time I'd pulled myself
together he was drifting back to sleep.
All evening he drifted up, drank water, then drifted off again. I put the towels in the
tumble drier and made myself a quick stir fry, popping my head round the door to check
on him regularly. I propped a book on the table in front of my bowl while I ate but kept
losing my place, half of my thoughts monitoring for sounds from the next room. I washed
up and wiped the work surfaces, keeping busy while I waited for Jasper. Remembering
when I'd been in hospital, I found some bendy straws in the back of the cupboard and
put one in his next drink. He flipped it with his finger.
"I hadn't realised it was cocktail hour."
"I thought it might be easier for you, you don't have to sit up."
"It is easier, thank you."
"I should have thought of it earlier, sorry."
He patted my hand. "You're doing fine. Don't beat yourself up."
"How are you doing?"
"I'm doing fine too, we're both doing fine." He grinned at me, his eyes brighter, less
withdrawn, and I grinned back. He didn't look fine, but he did look better.
"Do you want anything?"
"Have you got a spare blanket?" I brought the quilt from my bed, rather than use any of
Mum's fancy throws, thinking I should have covered him earlier while he slept.
"What happened to you?" He hadn't gone back to sleep this time and I was keeping
him company, sitting on the floor with my back to the sofa. He gave me a long look,
deciding what to tell me. "You don't have to talk about it" I said.
"You know about Jasper? What he does?"
I nodded. "He's a sentinel. Tick's a warrior." Don't think about Tick.
"I've been in deep cover for a long time now; not a Sentinel like Jasper, a bit more like a
spy. Not here, another world. It's been okay, a bit boring sometimes, but boring is the
ideal situation; when you're sent to prevent crises boring means you're doing your job. I
must have got complacent, though I don't think I missed any signs. All I know is that
suddenly it was way too hot for me. One minute I was Mr.Normal, living my cover, the
next I was up to my neck in a manufactured scandal, conspiracy accusations flying, no
obvious way out. I ran, but all my escape routes had been compromised."
"What did you do?"
"Ran, and ran again, used all the skills at my disposal. Twisted and turned and ran some
more. Never give up, that's what they teach you. It was close though." He drifted into
silence.
"And you got hurt?"
"Mmm. Strange circumstances, I'm not sure what happened, don't see how it could have
panned out like it did without..." he broke off and shook his head.
"Without what?"
"Ignore me, I'm rambling. Said too much already."
"Without what?" I persisted.
He sighed. "Some kind of cross-world interference, probably illegal. It doesn't make any
sense, someone's playing silly buggers, but why? Didn't think I'd get out at all at one
point.”
"But you did get out, you're here."
"And patched up, thanks to you."
"When's Jasper going to get here?"
"Soon, soon." His voice was slowing, I kept quiet and heard his breathing smooth into
sleep.
I woke with a jerk, stiff and cold on the floor. Brackley muttered and twitched above
me and I jumped up, stumbling on unresponsive legs. He was still asleep so I shambled
into the kitchen for a cup of tea. Putting on a jumper and thick socks, I wondered what
the time was. Two thirty! From the way Brackley had been talking I'd expected Jasper
before now. Rubbing a sudden shiver from my arms I headed back down, the kettle would
have boiled, perhaps he'd like a cup of tea too. When I put my head round the door he
looked deep asleep so I just made one for me; cuddling my mug I stood over him,
watching him twitch and jump in his sleep. His eyes were moving constantly under his
closed eyelids, he looked much less comfortable than he had earlier. I hoped Jasper would
get here soon.
Do you want a drink?
Tentatively touching his shoulder I tried to sooth him, but he flailed his arm, shaking
me off and making himself wince; I jumped back. I couldn't watch his distress, I had to
leave the room. It was cold, I made more tea to have something warm to hug. Wandering
round and round the kitchen as I waited for Jasper the silence of the night started to get
to me, loneliness creeping in through the black window. On an impulse I ran round the
house turning all the lights on.
I hated to watch him suffer but I couldn't keep away. Pacing the ground floor I'd circle
in to stand over the sofa, flinch when he did, then retreat hurriedly. I tried Jasper's phone
again but he wasn't there.
All I could think of was the way his side had looked before I bandaged it. The
glistening meaty look of the muscle that pushed up in thick heavy lumps so that it was
impossible to imagine the skin ever meeting again. The swollen flesh had resisted when I
tried to squeeze my flannel between the rough edges, trying to feel for grit with my finger
I'd desperately ignored the thought that I was plunging my hand into his insides, images
of intestines floating at the back of my mind. To be honest I had no idea how deep the
hole was. I'd done my best, but I wasn't a doctor. I'd cleaned and patched the surface,
now I was considering internal injuries. Pierced and torn organs. Leaking fluids. Things
so outside my knowledge that I couldn't even create an image in my mind to accompany
my fretting.
I watched him jerk and kick like a dreaming dog and wondered if that was all it was.
He'd had some bad experiences, maybe he was just having nightmares in a deep healing
sleep? Stroking his shoulder through the quilt I called him gently.
"Brackley" I whispered. "It's alright now. Everything's going to be okay." He whimpered
and wriggled his head deeper into the cushion, pulling his arms tighter round his body.
Kneeling on the floor I kept up a rhythmic stroking on his shoulder, talking gently all the
time. He pulled the quilt up, bunching it tight round his neck as I lifted my hand out of
the way. "That's it" I murmured, "you sleep now." I brushed his hair back from his
forehead and snatched my hand away in horror. He was hot. Unbelievably blazing hot. I
hadn't noticed through the bedding, and you somehow expect a sleeping person to feel
warmer than you, but his head was like a radiator, I couldn't believe I hadn't realised.
Fever. That had to be bad.
I put a wet cloth on his forehead; it couldn't make any difference but it was all I had.
When I couldn't bear to watch him any more I'd take it back to the kitchen, run more cold
water on it, wring it out, gently replace it then return to my place on the floor opposite
him, back against the armchair, arms wrapped round hunched knees, eyes scanning his
face for any sign of change. I'd stopped thinking about Jasper, my world had shrunk to
the pallid glistening face, the twitching restless limbs, when he shivered I shivered.
His eyes opened and I jumped up.
"How are you?" He mumbled something; I leant closer to hear. It was a strange language
I couldn't understand, hard guttural consonants chopping off long strange vowel sounds. I
patted his shoulder, trying to get him to focus on me. "Brackley. I can't understand you.
Do you need something?" The muttering continued, growing more urgent as I didn't
respond. "Do you want a drink?" I asked. I lifted the glass and his eyes following it
intently, he watched me take the empty glass away; he was still staring at the doorway
when I returned with it full. The straw confused him and I had to help him, gently
pushing his fumbling hands away until I could get it into his mouth. It took a second for
him to catch on then he sucked with a unnerving concentration. He took the second
glass more slowly then fell back, eyes closing instantly.
The language he was mumbling was disconcerting, every now and then I'd think I
heard familiar sounds, that he was speaking English, but it was just my ears trying to
force it into some kind of sense. He got louder, speaking rapidly, urgently; occasionally
he'd call out. It was impossible to sooth him, to help him in any way. Frustrated and
frightened I'd slowly retreated, shuffling back over the floor to my place by the armchair.
From there I watched him struggle and suffer, my arms wrapped so tight round my knees
that I'd lifted my feet from the floor. As his glittering eyes flitted, unseeing, round and
over me I rocked forward till my toes touched the floor then back and forward and back;
"Don't die. Don't die. Don't die."
The eyes rested on my face, and focused. "Kate." Even as I opened my mouth to reply
he was gone again. Forcing my rigid fingers to move, I uncurled myself and stood. I'd get
us both a drink. He was calmer now, stiller, I'd offer him some water. It was something I
could do. Reassured by the quiet in the sitting room I pottered round the kitchen,
stretching my arms and legs, looking in the fridge for juice for myself. I wasn't thirsty but
I felt better to be moving; doing something, anything, helped. I found a new straw for
Brackley and, on a whim, put one in my glass too. Cocktail time. I shivered when I
remembered his smile, my confidence that he was looking better.
Glass in each hand, I walked back into the sitting room and stopped. He was lying still,
just as I'd left him. Very still. Too still. Gripping the glasses tight I took a small step
forward then forced myself to take another. I knew I should go and look at him but I
couldn't bear it. Staring hard at the quilt over his chest I tried to see movement,
breathing. Nothing. His face was motionless, the eyes closed. I pushed myself forward
another half a meter.
"Brackley?" It was barely a whisper I breathed deep and tried again firmer. "Brackley?"
Nothing.
Frozen half way to him I heard a noise. It was important but I couldn't register it.
Water and juice slid down my clenched fingers to mix unnoticed at my feet. The noise
again, but I couldn't focus. "Brackley?" My voice louder this time, rising in panic over the
insistent sound that pulled at the back of my head.
The doorbell. The doorbell was ringing. Now, Jasper had finally come to us.
I'm so sorry
One glance at my face and he was moving past me, round the glasses that I'd flung
away to open the door, through the puddles of drink. "In here?"
He nodded towards the front room but all I could say was "I'm so sorry." I followed him
repeating "I'm so sorry." He ignored me, bending over the sofa as I stood in the doorway
trying not to cry. He was moving Brackley, doing things, I couldn't focus on them. When
he asked me a question I didn't hear and he had to repeat it. I shook my head , still not
understanding.
"Kate, he's not dead. He's unconscious."
"Not dead?"
"No." Jasper was beside me, wrapping warm arms round my shivers. "Did you think?
Never mind. He's going to be fine, once he's been patched up."
"Not dead?"
"No, but we don't have time for you to cry now." I wasn't sure I could stop, tears and snot
were streaming from me as Jasper's strength drew the fear and tension out of my body.
He produced a tissue. "Here, mop yourself up, put the kettle on and bring me a glass of
water.
"Another one?" I could feel hysterical laughter bubbling up but the look on his face
quelled it and I did what I was told reasonably calmly. He dropped a couple of big green
tablets into the glass, swirling them to help them dissolve.
"What do you want me to do with the hot water?" I asked, trying to look capable.
"Make me a cup of coffee, I've had a hell of a journey.”
I made us both one, I'd had a hell of a night. Brackley was awake when I bought them
in, Jasper was helping him to drink the water, I was ridiculously proud that they were
using one of my bendy straws. White and drawn, his face had lost the feverish glisten;
the eye that winked at me over Jasper's shoulder was calm. I hoped Jasper hadn't told
him I'd thought he'd died.
"Coffee. Perfect." Jasper laid Brackley back on the cushion and wrapped his hands round
the mug.
"What now?" I asked.
"Now we wait. Sit down, you look done in."
"She's been brilliant" said Brackley. "I don't know what would have happened to me
without her." I blushed, hiding my face in my mug.
Nothing happened for ages. Jasper drank his coffee while examining and occasionally
poking at something that looked like a phone but probably wasn't. Brackley looked
asleep and my eyes were drifting closed when the doorbell rang. Jasper grunted
something to himself and went to the door. The man he led in was tall and broad and
horribly jolly.
"Morning!" he sang, dropping a huge canvas bag onto the floor.
"Morning" I mumbled, retreating farther into the chair.
"So, what have we got?" He leaned over Brackley, feeling his head and lifting the quilt.
Putting his hand gently on my rough bandaging he stood still and introspective for a
minute then raised his eyebrows at Jasper. They exchanged a look then he turned to me.
"Is this your work?" he asked. I nodded shyly. "Not bad at all. Has he been drinking?" I
nodded again. "What's your name?"
"Kate."
"You've done really well Kate. I'm the clean-up squad. Name's Fred." He looked at Jasper
and flicked his eyes towards the door.
While they were talking quietly in the hall I crept across and had a look at Brackley. He
still looked bad, but better than before. I really hoped he'd be alright. Jasper came and
stood beside me.
"Well he's still alive anyway" he said. I shuddered. Fred pulled a red blanket from his bag
and spread it on the floor next to the sofa, gently nudging me out of the way.
"Ready?" he asked Jasper and, with Jasper taking the feet, they lifted Brackley carefully to
the middle of the blanket. I couldn't help a little yelp as the sofa was revealed. Joe laughed.
"No worries" he said.
"It's new" I gulped.
"That's handy. How long have you had it?" He and Jasper were wrapping the blanket
round Brackley, it stuck to itself and went stiff to enclose him in a hard cocoon.
"I don't know? A month?"
"Perfect. You two going to be okay?" he asked Jasper.
"Should be."
"Let me know."
"Of course." Jasper hoisted an apparently weightless Brackely over his shoulder and
hurried out.
"Now then, what's our deadline? Your parents away until Sunday?"
"Yes. Oh, I nearly forgot, my friends said they'd come round Saturday morning. This
morning" I suddenly realised.
Brackley consulted a large complicated looking watch. "What sort of morning? Teenage
girl morning?"
I laughed. "Yes, almost certainly."
"That should be possible." He thought for a bit then nodded. "Yes, I'd rather keep the
backwash to a minimum. Could we say ten o'clock? Would that be safe?"
"Oh yes, they won't get here before ten."
"Okaaay. Now, what have we got here. Sofa, new, no problem. Quilt, bish bash, no
problem. Did he go anywhere else?"
"No, just the sofa."
"Simple then." He pulled a large screen from his bag. "This'll take a few minutes to warm
up. Do you know where the sofa came from?"
"Department store? I'm not sure." He threw the cushions off and rummaged about in
the corners of the seat then pulled it from the wall and examined the back. He crouched
down and lifted one end, bending over and peering up at the bottom. "Got you you little
bugger" he muttered as he flipped the sofa over. He sat cross-legged on the floor eyes
moving between his screen and the label he'd found.
When he'd finished tapping he looked at me. "You should sleep" he said.
"I don't think I can." I was exhausted but I could feel the adrenaline jitters coming on. I
was afraid to be on my own, and anyway my bed had no quilt.
"Yes you can. Here." He produced another blanket from his bag, blue this time, and
wrapped it round my shoulders. "Don't sleep in the chair, you'll get stiff." He eased me
up and gently lay me down. I was certain that I'd never fall asleep on the hard floor but
the thin blanket felt like a mattress under me, it enveloped me in a soporific warmth that
I couldn't resist. I lay there listening to him talking on the phone.
"The stock code is six three seven two two. The warehouse is in Brentwood, I need it here
by nine thirty absolute latest. I've had a chat with their systems, it should be waiting for
you. No, it's practically new. Dark mark near the bottom, looks like your traditional
combination of ketchup and domestic stain remover."
I woke up in the dining room, feeling as if I'd slept all night. As I stood Fred put his
head round the door.
"Better? I moved you so you wouldn't get stood on. Have a look, see what you think."
"It's great" I told him. The new sofa looked exactly like the old one, not shiny new, he'd
rubbed at it so it looked as if it had been sat on for a couple of months, and he'd replaced
dad's stain. My quilt was folded at one end, I picked it up gingerly but there was no sign
of blood.
"The actual quilt's new" he told me. "I've roughed it up a bit so your mother won't
notice. I thought you'd prefer new; once the filling's been stuck together you can never
get it to properly fluff again." I shuddered at a sudden image of brown crusty clumps. "It's
still your cover I'm afraid, it would be too obvious if you had a different design and there
wasn't enough time to source an identical replacement. It's alright though, I used some
of my special granules on it." He shook a tin at me. "Trade secret." he grinned tapping
the side of his nose.
"Magic cleaner?" I asked laughing.
"Finest kind. So you don't have to be squeamish, it's as if it was never there. I get
through tons of this stuff, no suspiciously clean patches, makes my job much simpler. I
found some towels in the tumble drier that looked a bit dodgy, so I gave them a go as well.
They're on the kitchen table."
"Thank you so much."
"No problem, just doing my job. Now you go and shower and change, and I'll check that
we've finished here."
When I came back down he was gone. On the table, next to the towels, was a small
metal tin with a sticky note. "Little bird told me there was a party planned for tonight thought this might come in handy – use sparingly and keep secret Fred. P.S. You did
good."
What did you say?
When I opened the door to Jasper there were still some bodies spread over the
furniture cuddling mugs and having random conversations. Emma had gone to the
corner shop and made bacon rolls for everyone who'd helped with the clean-up and it
looked as if they were settling in for the rest of the afternoon. That suited me fine, I'd
had a brilliant time and was happy to drag out the last few hours. I wasn't worried about
the parents suddenly turning up, there weren't too many people and we weren't doing
anything objectionable. The previous night had been louder and much more crowded
that we'd originally planned for but I hadn't cared, after the drama it'd been good to just
let go and enjoy myself.
Jasper looked at them all warily. "Oh sorry Kate, am I intruding?"
"No, come in."
"We've got a bit of bacon left, want some?" asked Emma.
"Bacon?" Matt's head lifted slightly from the cushion. "Did you say there was more
bacon?"
"Not for you. You've had loads."
"I'll come back another time" said Jasper.
"Don't you want my bacon? I don't burn it or anything."
"Well, it's always hard to resist bacon." Emma bustled out to the kitchen and Jasper and I
followed.
Jasper spoke quietly as we sat at the table. "I just wanted to let you know that it looks
like our friend will be okay." I glanced at Emma but she was fiddling with the grill,
ignoring us.
"Good, thank you."
"I thought you'd want to know. And I get a bacon buttie" he said louder as Emma
approached. "Any chance of a cup of tea to go with it?"
"No problem." She headed off again.
"He's really going to be alright?"
"Yes, thanks to you. He's very grateful. How did you recognise him?"
"It was just a guess really."
"Lucky for him you were working that shift."
"Do you want ketchup in this?" asked Emma.
"Oooh, yes please."
"Won't be long now, do you like your bacon crispy?"
"Relatively. I don't like to be able to snap it."
"Sugar in your tea?"
"No thank you."
The plate and mug were placed with some ceremony, Jasper was suitably impressed,
claimed it was the best bacon roll he'd had in years. Emma beamed as she went back to
the others.
"I'm sorry if I've put a crimp in your afternoon but I wanted to catch you before I went
back."
"It's fine, we're not doing anything much."
"How was the party last night?"
"You know about that?"
"Educated guess" he grinned. "Don't worry your secret's safe with me." He craned his
head towards the hall, they all sounded settled in the other room. "About the other thing.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I hadn't noticed, but things have been rather hectic for
me recently. I hope that you know that I'd always make time for you." He paused,
fiddling with the crumbs on his plate. "So how are you?"
"I'm fine?" What was he talking about?
"Good. That's good." His relief was obvious, he smiled at me. "Well, it is probably for the
best. You know I would always support you, but..."
"Hang on, what other thing?"
"You and Tick. I must admit I've had my concerns. I thought it would be more dramatic.
But you seem unruffled so presumable it was quick and clean. Don't worry about him,
we'll take care of him and make sure he's okay." He'd gone back to sliding the crumbs
round the plate. When I didn't say anything he looked up, his smile dropping when he
saw me. "Oh Kate, don't cry." He patted awkwardly at my arm. "Please don't cry." I was
desperately trying not to. He darted to the work-surface and back again.
"Thank you" I sniffed as he pushed some kitchen roll at me. That was the moment
Emma decided to come back to see if he'd liked her cooking. She stood uncertain in the
doorway, then realised I'd seen her.
"Jasper! Have you made Kate cry?" He was so uncomfortable that even I could see it was
funny. It helped me to stop crying, I blew my nose hard and wiped my face.
"It's alright Em, I'm okay."
"You don't look okay." Emma was frowning at Jasper, he was practically squirming.
"What did you say?" she demanded.
"Nothing Em, it doesn't matter. I'm just being silly." She pulled a chair right next to mine,
putting her arm round me and staring hard at Jasper.
"I think I'd better go" he said. "I'm sorry I was insensitive Kate, I should have realised
that you would still be tender."
I stared hard at him. "What did he say?" I demanded. Jasper glanced at Emma.
"Nothing. I realised what must have happened yesterday, when there was no sign of
awareness. I mean..."
"Yes, I know what you mean." The bond was broken, Tick hadn't felt my fear. I fought
the choking sobs as Emma stroked my shoulder, squeezing me tight to her. Her eyes
flitted from me to Jasper, trying to make sense of our conversation. Then I didn't want to
cry anymore, I was getting angry.
"Why do you assume that it's him that needs looking after?"
"Well, I just..." he trailed off under my hard stare.
"I know what you think. A hu - a stupid girl." I'd just stopped the word human, I slid my
eyes sideways but Emma was still staring fiercely at Jasper. "I know what you said, at the
beginning, you told him I couldn't do it."
"You're not stupid Kate. Whatever it is, I'm sure you could do it." Emma was confused
but loyal. Jasper gave her an amused look.
"You think I want this? That I chose it? That the" I stopped, remembering Emma.
"What I mean is that any change was from the other side, you were wrong about me, I
didn't," I tried to find a neutral word, "I didn't fade."
"Maybe not consciously." He saw my expression, hesitated, then ploughed on. "Don't let
your pride get in the way. It doesn't matter how it all played out, just accept the break
and move on."
"But I don't want to!"
"It's not something you can control I'm afraid." Jasper patted my knee gently. "It is how
it is. You've changed."
"No, not me."
He frowned. "Are you sure, I would think it very unlikely, given your relative, er,
backgrounds." We both glanced at Emma, she was still watching us carefully.
"But it can happen. If there was something terrible, then it can.....wither."
"Well yes but it would have to be pretty terrible." He stopped, examining my face
carefully. "But I just can't imagine...Emma, thank you so much for feeding an old man,
truly a bacon roll made in heaven. I think I'd better get going now, leave you young
people to it." I gaped at him. "Kate, I'm sorry I upset you. You're lucky to have such a
good friend in Emma; loyal, comforting and very present. I might see you again later. No,
don't worry, I can see myself out." As Jasper waved vaguely into the sitting room on his
way down the hall I got a flash of memory;Tick's heart beating fast under my hand, my
fingers stretching down over his stomach. I couldn't talk to Jasper about that.
"Trust him to stand up for Tick" said Emma. "You were talking about Tick right? Men
always stick together. None of his business, old man coming here and interfering. If you
want to ring Tick, you ring him. He shouldn't send Jasper to warn you off, he should man
up and talk to you himself. It's not like you're stalking him or anything. Kate? I said
you're not stalking him.”
"I don't even ring him anymore" I said.
I don't deserve this
He turned up two hours later, as everyone was leaving. The front door was open and
they were hanging about, a loose group that spread away from the door waiting for
someone to make the move to the street. Chloe nudged me and nodded towards the end
of the drive. Tick was standing by the gate, stiff with unease. She and Emma moved
purposely away, drawing the others with them. Emma ran back and gave me a quick
hug. Tick returned a few hellos as they passed then looked at me standing by the door. I
stared down the long drive, waiting for him to move. He hunched his shoulders and,
hands in his pockets, pulled his coat round him as if he was cold. He turned to look
behind him and I thought he might just walk away again but he squared his shoulders
and slowly approached.
"Jasper made me come" he said.
"Okay. Will you come inside?" His reluctance tore my heart but he eventually nodded.
"What did Jasper say?" I asked him, but he just shrugged. "Do you want a drink? Tea?
Coffee?" When in doubt offer hot drinks. He shrugged again, so I put the kettle on. It
gave me something to do, and I could turn my back on him.
"I don't think you're being fair" he told my back.
"Why's that?" I asked calmly. I knew I only had one shot at this and I had to stay focused.
I'd screwed myself into a hard, tight ball of emotionless ice.
"You wanted me to go, so I went. I don't know what you told Jasper but I did everything
you wanted, I don't deserve this."
"I didn't want you to go." I kept my back to him, frozen in front of the mugs.
His voice was dull. "You said we need to talk. I know what that means. You said that you
would let me go."
"I never!"
"You left it for me. On the back seat of the car. A long quiz-type thing that led me down to
the conclusion that you would let me go. Since then I've kept out of your way."
"No." I shook my head violently. "That wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't for you." I
fought my way back into my hard ice. "It was a stupid thing I did while we were waiting.
I gave up on it, thought I'd thrown it away. And it didn't work anyway. Obviously."
"You didn't leave it for me?"
"No! No!"
"But you still wrote what you felt. At the time. I was glad to see it, it resolved the
situation for me."
"I'm so sorry." I came out as a whisper.
"It's not your fault. Everyone said it was doomed from the start, I should have..." He
stopped abruptly, rubbing his hands over his face.
I couldn't watch his pain, the kettle had boiled unnoticed and I turned it back on again.
"Don't make anything for me. I don't think I can be here much longer."
It all came out in a panicked rush. "I'll miss you. I'm so sorry. I know being drunk isn't
an excuse but I wanted you to know that I would never, sober, have done anything like
that to you. I'm not asking for anything. I understand that even if you forgive me you
can't choose how you feel. I broke it and it's gone. I just wanted the chance to apologise
to you. I am truly, truly sorry." I was crying, holding onto the cupboard door for strength.
Tick put out his hand, then pulled it back.
"I've got to go." He was halfway down the hall before I'd caught him.
"Will I see you again?"
"Probably not. Jasper's going to move me. Goodbye Kate. Stay safe. Be happy."
"But how can I be happy without you?" I howled. He froze with his hand on the door.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Please forget I said that. That wasn't fair."
In the long silence that followed neither of us moved. When he finally turned his face
was unreadable. "Not fair?"
My voice was flat with pain. "If you don't feel the bond, if you don't love me anymore I
can't do anything about that. I wouldn't want you to be miserable, to stay out of guilt or
pity."
He was silent for ages. "You think I don't love you? Kate?" I didn't move or speak. "Why
would you think that?" He studied my face as I stood there heavy and dumb.
"I don't know what to think" I eventually mumbled. "You were so desperate to get home,
to get away from me, you won't talk to me. At all. I kept hoping, but then Jasper pointed
out that you hadn't come to me the other night, when I thought Brackley was dying. I'd
been so frightened and you hadn't noticed." I closed my eyes, trying to breath. "So that's
it. There's nothing I can do about it. I want you to be happy. If only one of us can be
happy I want it to be you."
"I saw blood." He held my eyes with his. "I kept seeing flashes of blood. I tried to push
it from my mind, but I could feel your fear. No, fear isn't the right word. You were
anxious, alone. It terrified me. To spend my whole life feeling you, I didn't think I could
bear it." Two steps and I was in his arms, holding him close, desperate to calm and
comfort him. My heart gradually stopped racing as his body softened against mine. I
didn't dare speak, I wasn't sure where we stood. His arms loosened, but I didn't move
away from him.
"Kate" he whispered.
"Yes?"
"What do you want?"
"I want you. I've only ever wanted you. But I don't know what you want." Instantly his
arms were tight across my back. He gathered me to him, kissing the top of my head as I
cried.
"But how could you ever think anything else?" I asked later, when we'd both calmed
down and I was leaning back so we could look at each other.
"Eve said..."
"Eve? When?"
"That last night in Sheffield. She pulled me to one side and said "I know about you and
Kate and I have to tell you that I don't think that you're good for her. You might think it's
none of my business but I felt I had to say something. She's only young and I'm worried
about her." Then she gave me a long hard stare and whisked away."
"Interfering cow."
"She didn't give me a chance to speak, so all I could do was try to work out what she
meant. I was in a foul mood anyway, so maybe I over-thought it. I decided that if you'd
told her about us, about the bonding and my job and everything, then you must have
been really miserable to have confided in her. I thought she was telling me to keep away
from you."
"Nosey, interfering stupid cow."
"She was very intimidating, I can't believe you used to call her The Mouse."
"I know, I couldn't get her to shut up about it, she wouldn't let it go."
"Let what go?" I held out my hand and pulled up my sleeve. "Ah. I see." He moved away
from me. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry Kate." I looked at the faded marks, still obviously
finger shaped, and shrugged.
"The worst bit was that everything she said was right." I saw him retreating and
grabbed at his hand. "Not you" I said quickly. "If a human boyfriend had hurt me." I
squeezed his hand, desperate not to lose him again. "If I was going out with a bully
everything she'd said was right, and I would have said the same to her if it was the other
way round. But I'm not. I tried to tell her it wasn't like that, but of course she just got
more worried." There was a long silence. He slid his hand round my wrist, barely
touching the skin,matching his hand perfectly to the bruises.
"I'm so sorry Kate."
"It was my fault. The whole thing. I can't believe I did that to you, I'm so sorry."
"Don't cry anymore." He wrapped his arms back round me, but I could feel his hesitant
gentleness.
We jumped apart as the door opened.
"Oh, hello Tick." Mum put her bag down and took her coat off. Dad narrowed his eyes
suspiciously at Tick.
"Have you been here all weekend?" he asked.
"Dave, for goodness sake. Go and put the kettle on. Would you like a cup of tea?" she
asked us, apparently unaware of my puffy tear-stained face.
"Actually, I was just leaving."
"Oh, okay. See you later." She wandered into the kitchen after Dad.
"Do you really have to go?"
"Yes, but I'll see you soon."
"I don't want you to go yet." He grinned. "No, I need to know that you're okay with this."
I waved my arm at him. "It doesn't change anything. It's not going to happen again. I
trust you. Please don't let this change how we, how you..." I was whispering, one eye on
the kitchen. He opened the front door then pulled it nearly shut behind us
He didn't touch me, just stood close, looking at my face. Slowly moving his head down,
holding my eyes with his till the last moment, he gently stroked his tongue along my
lower lip. As his mouth slid down over my jaw my head tipped back and my eyes closed.
He kissed me gently in the hollow at the base of my neck and I heard myself sigh as he
gradually trailed his tongue back up till his mouth just brushed mine. I opened my eyes
and met his, inches away. For a very long time we just looked at each other then I tipped
my head and kissed him softly.
"I've missed you so much." he murmured.
"Me too."
Next time I walked into work Jasper barely looked up from his paperwork.
“Hello Kate, everything okay?” he asked casually.
“Everything's fine. Thank you.” I deliberately left a pause before the thank you so that
he'd know I was actually thanking him, that I'd recognised his question.
“Good, good” he muttered absently as he wrote on a form. “I'm all in favour of cosmic
balance.” We shared a grin as I went through to the back room.
I dreamed I was waiting behind a door
Trissa submitted to Councillor Verbasco's scrutiny, reminding herself that the
councillor was helping her, that it was just the nerves that made it so irritating. She held
on tight to the small lump of metal in her pocket. (“I know you could never wear it, it's
just a small token, if you'd be prepared to accept it.” “It's beautiful, of course I accept it.”
“It's only cheap, not the sort of jewellery you're accustomed to, but I think it has a certain
charm. Layfer are the fiercest of animals, a symbol of courage, we all need extra courage
sometimes.” “Thank you, I have nothing to give you.” “You've given me so much, you
have no idea.”) On the other side of the door she could hear quiet talking, the scrape of a
chair being dragged on the floor. Her father hurried round the corner.
“Are you sure you don't want me with you?” he asked.
“No” she snapped, then calmer. “Sorry. We've discussed this, I'm going to do it on my
own. Councillor Verbasco thinks it will be more effective. And I can do this.” The token
in her pocket dug into her hand as she squeezed tighter. “It will be good practice for me.”
She kissed his cheek, his worried face unexpectedly calming her. “I've practised, I know
what I'm doing. It's only the waiting that's so awful.” Councillor Verbasco gave her an
encouraging pat as she opened the door.
“Thank you for coming.” Trissa smiled at the press, stretching back in rows forever.
Camera flashes startled her, she renewed her faltering smile. Silence, then she realised
they were waiting for her to speak; she was so used to them shouting questions at her as
she ducked and ran, she'd subconsciously expected them to control this meeting too. She
glanced at her notes, she practically knew them off by heart but looking at them steadied
her. “I'm having a few friends round tonight, and I thought you'd like to see my
arrangements.” A small ripple of polite laughter from the mass of faces gave her
confidence. The invitations called it a ball and Councillor Verbasco has assured her that
the understatement would be appreciated. “This is the first party I've had in the palace
since my tenth birthday and I'm a little nervous. As you can see, Father has let me use the
ballroom, it's a bit grand but I hope that the decorations have softened it a little.” She
looked round at the pastel swags that had been looped over and round the heavy gilt,
pleased it had turned out the way she'd imagined. “I would like to thank the gardeners
who produced more greenery that I'd believed possible and arranged it so beautifully.
Have you all had a chance to take pictures?” A hand went up. “Yes?” she asked, relieved
that she didn't have to just stand there talking into silence any longer.”
“Would it possible for the Arrin to stand by the flowers for some pictures?” asked a man
incredible politely.
“Of course.” Smiling Trissa slowly moved round the room, standing where they asked,
pointing to things and holding things as directed.
“Would you like to see my dress?” she asked when she thought they'd had enough.
The whole room exploded into flashes as she pulled a dressmakers dummy from the
corner and pulled off the sheet that had been covering it. She posed patiently again,
resting her face on the shoulder of the dummy when asked, standing on one side and then
on the other.
“Can you put it on for us?” asked a voice. She stopped smiling.
“No. I can't. I wasn't sure whether to show it to you or not, I would have preferred noone to see it until I walked into the ball. I know you're going to splash it all over the teatime news and spoil my big entrance.” Frowning slightly to hide her amusement she
listened to them rush to reassure her that they would never do that, they appreciated her
generosity in inviting them, it was an honour to be trusted with the information. She
knew they didn't have time to meet the deadline for the early evening news broadcast,
Councillor Verbasco had arranged the start of the press conference very carefully.
She moved back to the front and the press meekly sat down again. Cautioning herself
not to relax and get smug she opened the cupboard in the base of the lectern she'd put
her notes on and pulled out a flat black box.
“I thought you might like to see my jewellery. I'm going to wear this, it belonged to my
mother.” She opened the box and held up a necklace of blue stones. Smiling into the wall
of flashing light she held it against her neck. “She wore it when she got married” she
said, they all loved that. She showed them the earrings, then came the bit she'd been
dreading.
“Any questions?” she asked.
“What's it like being back home in the palace?”
“It's great, I felt as if I was away at school forever.”
“Don't you miss your school friends?”
“I missed my father, and anyway some of my school friends are invited tonight.” She
could see them all scribbling in their notebooks now that the cameras had stopped.
Some of them were holding out recorders.
“You're wearing the jewellery your mother married in.” Here it comes. “Any one special
in your life?”
“No. No-one special.” Her hand slid back into her pocket to touch the metal token.
“No-one you're hoping to dance with tonight?”
“I intend to dance with anyone that asks me.”
“Your mother was married when she was younger than you are, can we look forward to a
royal wedding in the near future?”
“Those were different times, girls married younger. I'm not planning to marry for a while
yet.”
“What about boyfriends? Are you going to be playing the field? Sowing your wild oats?”
Trissa's laugh was genuine. “No, I'm not doing anything like that.” She could see her
father coming to rescue her as arranged. He looked so proud. She'd done it, she hadn't
been sure she could, but she could see Councillor Verbasco behind him beaming at her. It
might have turned into a total disaster, but it hadn't.
I hate you
“Oh my god, what am I going to do? I don't know any of it.” Emma's bag slumped off
her shoulder and down her dangling arm as she dropped onto the chair. She gave it a
listless kick. “It's now. How can it be now? When I keep thinking it's still ages, and I'm
so not ready and what can I do?”
“There's weeks yet” said Jo reassuringly. “Most people have only just started.” Emma
flopped forwards onto the table.
“It's all too late and I'm going to fail and then I'll have to get some crappy job and my life
will be ruined and everyone else will be off living their wonderful lives, and earning loads
of money, and I'll have to stay at home with Mum and The Worm and clean toilets for the
rest of my life and no-one will fancy me because I'll have horrible toilet-hands.”
“Don't be silly. You'll be fine.” Jo stroked her head.
“All right for you to say. You never have to do any work, you just pass. I hate people like
you. You're not bricking it.”
“That was a perfect summary of what happens every time I put my hand on a school
book. And then I have to run away and do something else.” Emma's eyes slid up from
her arms. She studied Jo's face carefully.
“Really? You're not lying to make me feel better?”
“Me too, but not the toilet hands” said Chloe. “I've never thought toilet hands.”
“Bet you do from now on” I laughed.
“I blame the teachers.” said Emma as she sat up. We all stared at her. “No, listen.
They've been banging on for ages and ages about the summer exams and how important
it is to be well prepared. But, and this is my point, they're always going on about
something, and they started so early that not even the goodest most boring person ever
would have really started revising. So by the time we should have been taking notice of
what they were saying we'd sorted of tuned it out.”
“Interesting argument.”
“Doesn't help with our current situation though” commented Chloe.
“Maybe it will be alright” I said. “Maybe everybody in the world ever has felt like this just
before the exams and then they all passed anyway.” We thought about this then Chloe
sighed.
“'Spect that's right for loads of people, people who are just nervous People like Jo. But. If
you don't know the stuff you can't write it down. Others might tell you it's only nerves
but you have to be honest with yourself.”
“I hate you” said Emma flatly.
“I didn't mean you! Honest Emm, I wasn't having a go at you. I was just beating myself
up. Emm, don't hate me!”
“Calm down Chlo, you do know it, you know you do.”
“Do I? I can't remember anything, it's just a blank.”
“They're only AS's” I said hopefully. “They're not the important ones, not like next year.”
“Imagine how much of a state we're going to be in next year” said Sophie. We all burst
out laughing.
“That's it, I've had enough.” Sophie shoved the lid back on her packed lunch. “I'm getting
out. Coming?”
“Where're you going?”
“Don't know, don't care. Just out of school. Park?”
“I haven't got any lunch with me” said Chloe. None of the rest of us had either.
“If we hurry we can get a burger. Come on.” We all started grabbing bags and pushing
back chairs.
“I haven't got any money on me” said Emma.
“I'll treat you.” I grabbed her hand and tugged her after everyone.
“Can't we talk about something else?”
“All I said was nerves make me hungry.”
“Yeah, at this rate I won't be able to take exams anyway; I'm going to be so huge I won't
be able to reach the desk. I wish I was one of those people who go off food when they're
stressed.” Sophie took a huge bite of her burger.
“Mitch says...” Chloe stopped when she saw Emma's face.
“Mitch says? What does Mitch say?” asked Emma exaggeratedly interested.
Chloe shrugged “He just said that exams aren't the fairest way of judging peoples
abilities. Some people are naturally good at exams, gives them an advantage over others
who might be brilliant at their subject but useless at exams.”
“That's true” said Sophie. “Eh Jo?”
“Don't look at me. I don't know how I've got this rep. I fail like everyone else. And I have
to work just as much.”
“So you've kept in touch then?” asked Emma pointedly.
“Back off Emm, it's not what you're trying to say it is. We email each other sometimes.”
“Whose Mitch?” Jo wanted to know.
“He's Kate's brother's friend. We met him when we went to see Luke.” Chloe was being
casual.
“Oh yeah? Is he hot?”
“Chloe thinks so. Chloe was all over him. Even though she has a boyfriend!”
Jo and Sophie didn't look shocked. “Ooh. Good for you Chlo. What happened?” Laughing
at Emma's face I picked up a bunch of fries and I was running, running as fast as I could.
The food fell from my fumbling fingers as the I felt the ground hitting my feet, the sweat
trickling down my back. I concentrated on the shiny table, trying to ignore the sound of
my rough breathing, to concentrate on my real breaths and keep them small and even.
"Are you okay?" asked Jo. I managed a small nod.
"Are you sure, you look like you're going to throw up." I pushed my chair back and made
a dash for the ladies.
Locked inside the cubical I leant back against the door and stopped fighting it. Tick
was chasing something, he was frightened he'd let it get away. There was another fear,
something his quarry was capable of, he was desperate to stop it soon, before they
reached the town. Occasional flashes of moving tarmac swam across my vision, blocking
out the plastic panels and the toilet seat. Barely aware of my own body, my breathing
loud and fast in the enclosed space, I ran with him. The bend in the road was everything;
we needed to turn the corner, to see how far ahead it was, to know if we were gaining or
falling back. I could see it all now, a widening road, the start of pavement, houses behind
trees. A desperate spurt and the corner was gained and beaten. Ahead there was a
figure, closer than Tick had expected. I felt his relief as the vision faded and I was myself.
I could hear Chloe and Emma fidgeting nervously on the other side of the door.
Mopping the sweat off my neck with some toilet roll I went out to them, trying to smile
reassuringly.
"Oh Kate, you poor thing." Emma went to touch me then changed her mind.
"I'm okay, really."
"You do look awful" said Chloe. I ran a tap and swigged water round my mouth as if I had
been sick.
"I feel much better now, but I'm going to go home."
"Do you want us to come with you? Jo and Sophie can tell school."
"No, I'll be fine. I don't think I'm going to throw up again."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I can get myself home, don't worry." Emma and Chloe came with me to the door. I
acted embarrassed as I walked between the tables because I knew they would expect me
to be, and it meant I could get away with not speaking to anyone.
I hoped he'd be okay. It hadn't felt as if he was frightened of whatever he was chasing,
more fearful of the consequences of losing it. Plodding along, my muscles complaining of
a phantom ache, looking forward to a shower, I wondered where he was. Perhaps he
wasn't far and I could see him soon, reassure myself that he'd managed to catch it, to
avert whatever he feared. I was jostling my bag more comfortably onto my tired shoulder
and then I was there. Not running anymore, cautiously walking now, stepping light and
careful, a tall skinny figure barely two meters ahead. It had its back to him, head tipped
up as if sniffing the air. Taller than Tick. Grey tatters hung from its stick-like limbs and
crept up the long neck to hood the twisting head. They were so exactly the same colour
as the bony ankles and the hands flexing uneasily at its side that I couldn't tell if they were
clothes or skin. Tick slid his hand into his trouser pocket. He eased out what felt like a
metal ball. Eyes on his quarry, he moved it carefully to his right hand. Then he took
another tentative step. The questing head stopped moving and Tick froze, one
outstretched foot just touching the ground. He squeezed the metal ball, I felt the slightest
click of something being activated. Holding his breath he slowly transferred his weight to
the front foot. The thing in front of him spun, Tick darted forward. As he threw the ball
flames hit his arm, skewing his aim. He gasped and staggered, fumbling with his unhurt
hand for another ball. The rags flared and fire licked a pale bony face, small pointed
teeth, round black eyes that glared at us. Tick stood his ground, narrowing his eyes
against the heat that was pushed against him. He had the ball in his hand now, was
feeling its weight, visualising the throw, trying to push the instinct that would have sent it
accurately from his right hand into the muscles of his left. In the sharp stretched
moment between seizing and letting go he forced himself into a calm confident focus. His
hand lifted, he felt the trigger click, then his prey was moving. Hurled hard and fast at the
retreating back, it was so close. But it missed, and he doubled over as he finally felt the
pain.
I was on the pavement, I'd fallen when he staggered. At least no helpful stranger had
tried to help me up; I was alone, no-one had seen my strange behaviour. I thought I'd hit
my elbow as I'd gone down but if I was hurt I was unaware of it, it was drowned in the
searing heat that gripped my forearm. I forced myself to use both hands to get up,
fighting the instinct that leaning on my right arm would cause more pain. Once I was up I
gave in and clutched it to my chest as I watched the houses opposite grow firm and real
for me. Faintly, almost subconsciously, I could still feel Tick running but, though I was
infected by his desperate purpose and my arm agonisingly registered every jolt, I wasn't
with him. Picking up my bag with my left hand I turned towards my home and shower,
wishing that I could somehow help him. If only I could take the pain for him instead of
simply sharing it as he pounded raggedly along in the back of my mind. It had all
happened so quickly, my mind replayed it over and over, sorting it and settling it into my
memory. And then I stopped dead. I hadn't realised at the time; caught up in his focus
the edges of sight had been ignored, but now I could see it all. I knew where he was. And
I was running too.
My first mad dash petered out and I started to think. No point going where they'd
been, I had to try to work out where they'd be. When I'd seen them they were nearly at
the junction with one of the long straight roads that went right to the centre of town. I
could cut across and meet that road, but how far would they have got? Tick's urgent
sprint kept me jogging along, one arm tight across by body. I needed to decide quickly.
I'd go into town, then head back up and meet him. Decision made, I gave in to the
pressure and ran as fast as I could.
Don't just hang around staring
I gasped and puffed at the crossroads, fighting the stitch that pulled my chest towards
my knees, forcing my head up so I could watch the tall figure that moved slowly along the
High Street. Where was Tick? I couldn't see him and, terrifying realisation, I couldn't feel
him.
No-one took much notice of the strange creature that cut through the crowd. It wasn't
magic, as I'd first thought, it was a human thing. I recognised the sideways looks, a quick
sliding glance that avoided eye contact and any danger of being sold something.
Following him was easy, it was Tick I couldn't see. My left hand had set rigid round my
right wrist, supporting my arm across my body, I had to consciously relax the muscles,
stretching and shaking out the memory of pain. Keeping half an eye on the tall man,
confident that I couldn't lose him, I searched vainly for Tick.
I didn't know why I was following him, it wasn't like I had any idea what to do, but I
couldn't walk away. Then he meandered from the middle of the street towards Boots and I
thought at least, if he went in, I'd know where he was. When I saw Tick I could send him
the right way.
As he turned to his next customer the lad at the till flicked a look of disdain up and
down the grey rags that walked behind the queue. Ignoring everyone, the tall man strode
to the fridges just inside the door and snaked his head down to sniff at the shelves. He
picked up a carton of juice and brought it curiously to his face, shaking and squeezing
until it burst.
“Hey!” The shout was of no more interest than the apple juice which dripped off his
elbow, absently dropping the carton he moved sideways to the next display. The
manager-looking guy got to him as he plunged his arm to the back of a shelf and scraped
the contents forward to his tipped-down torso.
“Excuse me sir.” As he straightened some of the sandwich packs tumbled into the puddle
at the managers feet, but most were held in a rough heap against his body. The crisp
white shirt instinctively stepped back as the grey hooded head rose to its true height
then, replacing his professionally firm expression, the manger tried to make eye contact
with the face that swung over the customers heads, scanning the rest of the shop.
“Would you like a basket for those?” Ignored, he turned to the cluster of staff collecting
behind him. “Don't just hang around staring, get a basket. And a cleaner. Come on” he
snapped. He picked up a sandwich from the floor and shoved it towards one of the
women. She took it automatically, most of her attention on the tall figure that had swung
away from them, past the tills, towards the door. When he saw his stock headed for the
street the manger lost it, charging after the grey man and grabbing his elbow. The flat
black eyes examined the restraining hand. Encouraged that he'd made him stop, the
manager gave him a small tug back into the shop. Casually, almost absent-mindedly, the
elbow was pulled round and away with a strength that sent the manager crashing into
the security sensor. Flames flickered across the grey back that turned from him, flaring
out from the swinging tatters to lick and bite at his shirt.
Everyone was screaming. But through the sounds of shock and fear the scream of
pain drilled into my ears. High and ragged, it pierced the messy hysterical crowd, the
sudden harsh hiss of a fire extinguisher, the shouts of mothers for their children. The
noise of a body thrown beyond humanity to a place where only a sharp shrieking scream
could articulate the shock and torment. It echoed round my head, gluing my feet to the
floor and my hands to my mouth as tears ran helplessly down my face.
Ignored, the grey man walked from the noisy crowd with no sign of interest. He took
his haul to a quieter part of the street and sat on the paving stones. When I caught up
with him he'd tipped the pile of sandwich packs onto the floor in front of him and was
examining one carefully. Chicken Triple Pack I read numbly as I watched him scratch
and fumble at the cellophane. He looked up at me and I froze, heart hammering, but I
was dismissed and he went back to his food. As he ripped the card roughly apart I took a
couple of slow steps backwards, wondering what to do now. He picked up one of the
pieces from the heap that had spilled in front of him and sniffed it then took a neat bite.
I watched as he worked his way methodically through the pile. He didn't handle them as
sandwiches, just picked up whatever was on the top, bread or filling, and tucked it into
his mouth while picking up the next piece with his other hand. He ate absolutely
everything, all the crumbs and shreds of lettuce, before picking up the next pack and,
holding opposite corners, pulling the packaging apart so that the food fell in front of him.
I wondered how long it would take him to eat it all and what he would do when he had.
Someone stopped beside me, dropping a heavy plastic shopping bag between us.
“Stop looking at its face” she said quietly. I spun round, staring at the frumpy middle-aged
woman who was making shushing faces at me. She grinned at my confusion and I saw
something familiar in her eyes.
“Cy?” She nodded, gently turning my shoulder so that we were facing away from him.
“I can't believe you're here again. You must have some sort of attraction to danger.”
I tried to copy her quiet conversational voice. “I felt Tick, then he disappeared.” I bit my
lip, hoping I didn't sound as pathetic as I felt.
“He's fine. His arm's been treated, that's why you can't feel him anymore. Steady there,
we're not done yet.” I was embarrassed that she'd seen the wobble of relief.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked firmly.
“We need to get it away from these people.” An ambulance edged past us, blue lights
bouncing off the plate glass, all three of us ignored it. “I'm glad you're here, with your
local knowledge. And two people are always better for this sort of thing.” I looked
helplessly round the High Street, shops and people as far as I could see.
“How much space do you need?” I asked, trying not to sound as hopeless as I felt.
“Depends, the flash can reach a long way and I'd rather no civilians saw it, but a small
enclosed space would work just as well.” She waited patiently while I chewed on my
thumb and dithered, then I saw it.
“Would an alley do? There's one over there, it's a cut-through from the car park.”
“That would be perfect.”
“But how do we get him there?”
“It, not him. Don't let the humanoid appearance fool you. This is an animal, no more
intelligent than one of your cats.” I glanced back at it working its way through the
sandwiches, ignoring everything going on round it.
“What is it?” I asked.
“They're called flak. Harmless scavengers in their own world.”
“Harmless? They catch fire!”
She laughed. “They do come from a strange world, I admit. But as long as they don't start
ranging through the Panactuality they're no trouble. They live in large family groups, this
one's been sent ahead to check things out. That's why it took so long for me to catch up
with you, we had to make sure that no more followed it through. Right, those
sandwiches won't last much longer, you'd better show me the alley.”
We were only gone a couple of minutes, but by the time we got back the flak had
collected a group of boys watching it. Cy swore quietly but savagely.
“Can't you make them, you know, lose interest?” I asked.
“They're very sensitive to any form of manipulation, they react to it as a threat.” said Cy.
“So no?”
“Not without getting charred.” We joined the boys. They were arguing about the cause
of the fire.
“It was him. I saw it, he got caught nicking stuff and then he caught fire.” The others
weren't having it.
“Why isn't he burnt then?”
“Yeah. And, anyway, I heard them saying it was a faulty security thing. You know, those
alarms that go beep if you don't get the tag taken off.”
“It was him. I was there. I saw it.”
“Yeah right.” The sharp face lifted to examine them carefully and I froze. “He is weird
though. What're you doing on the floor?” asked one of them with the heckling
brazenness boys can only show in a gang. I could feel Cy beside me, as tense as I was.
The black eyes moved from face to face, the boys falling quiet under the inhuman stare.
One of them stepped back.
“This is boring” he said. “Let's go and see if the police are still there.” There was a long
second while we waited to see which way it would go then, swaggering to show they
weren't running away, the boys left, punching arms and joking loudly to reassure each
other they hadn't been intimidated. Cy took an orange from the carrier bag and, looking
casually down the street, neatly back-heeled it into the last fragments of sandwich.
Following her example I turned away from the flak, watching out of the corner of my eye.
Instantly forgetting about the boys, the flak picked up the orange and, holding it in
both hands, turned it in front of its face, running its nose over it. It broke open the skin
with a series of small sharp bites then plunged its lips into the centre, slurping as it
sucked the flesh into its mouth.
“That's right my lovely “ crooned Cy quietly. “You know you can't resist an orange.” She
rolled in a second, which was snatched up greedily. I relaxed slightly, she seemed to
know what she was doing. “Need to get it on its feet” she muttered, rolling the third
orange short. The flak stretched and just reached it. “That's it, you know you want
them” The next orange stopped out of its reach and it put one hand to the ground,
pushing itself upright.
“Onge!” A toddler shot out of nowhere and picked it up. The flak froze and hissed.
“Poppy! Put that down!” The woman hurried over and swept up the child, but she was
still holding the orange. Cy ran in front of them as I tried to pull them away but the
mother was startled and stumbled, nearly dropping the child. She hoisted it safely onto
her hip then turned on me, I didn't hear what she was shouting, my attention on Cy and
the flak. Cy was holding out her hand, offering an orange, but she couldn't catch its
attention.
The woman wouldn't shut up. People were stopping to watch her harangue me over
the head of her howling child. I stepped back and she pressed forward, pushing her
anger against me. Encouraged I took another step, then another and she instinctively
followed. The flak was still staring at the toddler; I tried to turn the mother, to hide the
child behind her. Something snuffled at my foot, the unexpected touch spearing
adrenaline to tightly wound nerves. I jerked back with a shout. Startled, Poppy and her
mum fell silent and we looked down at the shaggy terrier that was wagging its tail at me.
Great. Duchess. Keith was always attracted to loud conflict and Duchess, recognising me
as a source of sausages, had come to say hello. The grubby string that usually
disappeared into Keith's sleeve was loose on the pavement beside her, ignored as he
stood rigid, staring open-mouthed at Cy. Taut silent Cy kept her focus on the grey figure
that swayed its head nervously at the growing crowd.
Duchess growled. An angry warning that vibrated with menace. As I reached a
calming hand towards her head the sound exploded into furious barking; she launched
herself past Cy and everything stretched into slow-motion. I heard Keith's shout join
mine. Cy staggered sideways. The flak flung an arm to its face. Duchess bared her teeth.
Cy leapt for her collar. Heaving against the weight of the dog's fury she swung her other
arm towards the flak. Fire flowed. Duchess howled. A light flared so bright that my eyes
refused to see it and I was left in dark silence.
It felt as if my bones had chimed. As if I was standing in a huge bell that tolled through
me in silent waves of incredible loudness. I blinked and rubbed my face with hands that
didn't belong to me. Hearing a name, I realised it was mine. Cy was peering anxiously at
me, her face as white and drained as I felt. I tried to smile at her and she rubbed my
shoulder.
“Feel sick?” she asked. I hadn't noticed till she asked. “It goes quickly. Get moving, that
helps.” She stretched her arms above her head, twisting at the waist. I looked past her to
the flak, but there was only a heap of ashes, my eyes shot back to her. “Yes, that's it.” she
said. “It bounces the fire back at it, changes it so that it burns itself.” She rolled her head
on her neck. “Wish it didn't feel like it turns you inside out though.” I looked round to see
how many people had been affected. And then I saw Keith.
He was crouched on the pavement rocking himself back and forth, one hand on an
unmoving shaggy lump. I watched him comb his fingers tenderly through the matted fur
then he lifted his face to the sky and howled. Eyes squeezed closed, the pain forced his
mouth wide as he tried to expel it from his body. When he ran out of breath he sucked in
more air then forced it all back out in a wail that resonated with despair. Around him
people were sitting with heads in their hands or hunched over retching. Cy gave my arm
a quick wake-up shake.
“Can you get him away?”
I looked at the desperate man. “How?”
“I can sort the others. Make then better and bit forgetful. But only if there's nothing
unusual going on. I need you to move him. And the dog.” She strode to the heap of gritty
ashes near Duchess' nose and kicked it about, scattering in into the air. “Kate?”
“I'll do my best.” I wrapped my arms round myself as I tentatively approached the
poignant tableau.
My first thought was maybe she wasn't dead, that we could take her to a vet, then I
saw the streak of burnt flesh down her side and hoped that she was dead, that she'd died
instantly Not daring to touch Keith, I put my hand on her head. I didn't want to touch a
dead dog, but I pushed that thought away.
“Keith?” He was unaware of me.
“Keith?” Nothing. I moved my hand to his, twisting my fingers into the fur and stroking
the back of his hand. “Keith? We need to move. Keith?” The last wail petered into a sob
as he turned to me. I increased my pressure on his hand. “Please let me help you. Help
you to move Duchess.” His face crumpled as he looked down at our joined hands. All life
seemed to leave his body, he slumped inside himself. “Keith?” Encouraged by a small
nod I stood. “Come on then.” I gingerly put my hand under his elbow to encourage him
up. Touching his musty jacket was as daunting as touching dead Duchess. I didn't know
how we were going to move her, I didn't want to carry her, but I couldn't see any other
option. I thought of fleas swarming from the cooling body and tried not to shudder.
He picked her up himself. I went to help, but he shook me off. Cy was moving round
the other fallen, murmuring in their ears and touching their foreheads as we staggered
away, me keeping a supporting hand on Keith's back. I wasn't sure how far we'd get, she
was heavy for him. I didn't know where we would go anyway. For now it was enough to
get him away from there.
Shouldn't be allowed
“Why did you let the rat-man in?” The sudden question came out of a stream of
muttering that I'd been phasing out as we shuffled slowly down the High Street. I turned
to him, intending to deny it all, but the lucid eyes that met mine, sharp in a face clouded
by loss, deserved better.
I shrugged. “I don't know.”
“Not good enough. Not good enough eh?. Duchess is gone. And you don't know?”
“I'm sorry.” It sounded stupid, but I could think of nothing better.
“Rat-man, he doesn’t belong here. Shouldn’t be allowed. And she.” His eyes were still
searching my face, trying to find answers, an explanation to ease his loss. I stared back
helplessly. “Her. In the skirt that's really trousers. I saw her. Saw her. Hiding. That's
not right. People should be who they are.” I realised her meant Cy. “She got rat-man.
She showed him. Not right though. Not right at all. Shouldn't be allowed. I pays the
rates, I know what's what. The rates,” he suddenly shouted at me. “To the council. I pay
my rates, keep the town clean. Shouldn't be allowed.” He subsided into a low mutter, I put
a small pressure onto his back with my hand to keep us moving along as he talked to the
dead dog in his arms.
We were getting slower and slower, Keith sagged under his burden but refused to give
her up. When I saw an empty bench I steered him towards it. He sat hunched over the
bundle on his lap, arms wrapped tight as he rocked gently, staring vacantly at the ground
in front of him. Sitting next to him I tried to think. All the while we'd been going along I'd
only thought about keeping him moving but that couldn't go on for ever, I had to decide
where we were moving to. Where did he live? Even if I found out, could I just dump him
there with a corpse and leave him to get on with it? What did you do with a dead dog?
Perhaps he had a garden he could bury it in? That was laughably unlikely, I wasn't even
sure he had a home at all. I'd never thought about it, for all I knew he and Duchess lived
on the streets. Would a vet dispose of a corpse for you? Maybe I could just take him to a
vets and let them sort it out. They'd charge though, presumably, who'd pay?
Keith lifted his head, watching something back the way we'd come.
“Her” he announced. Cy jogged up to us, when she looked at Keith he ducked his head,
scowling at her under his eyebrows.
“Jasper says go to the cathedral and wait. Someone will meet you there. Hang on.” She
produced a radio. “Cy. Will do. What does he say? That's rubbish, it was an attack. Has
to be.” Long silence while she listened impatiently. “Can't be a coincidence. Yes, I know.
Statistically blah blah blah. But you were there. You know how it was. Any other reports
in? No, I suppose not. Okay, I'm coming in now. Fifteen, twenty?” The radio
disappeared back into her clothes. “So, you go the cathedral and...”
“We go to cathedral and wait. Someone will meet us there. I know. What's going on?”
“What? Oh, nothing, nothing. Will he make it?” Keith glowered at her. “Why don't you
carry the dog?”
“No. No, no, no.” He faced down her impatience, furious. She tutted then sighed.
“Ohkaay. Wait here.” She darted off.
“She's a fool. All shout and run. Why she trying to look boring?”
“I suppose she doesn't want anyone to notice her.”
“Huh. Not working. Keith sees her. Keith and Duchess, they know. Oh Duchess. My
poor poor Duchess. What am I going to do without you? Why did you do it? Why?”
Sobbing, he retreated into rocking, his face twisted, his wet eyes blank. I wondered how
I'd get them both as far as the cathedral.
When Cy came back she was pushing a baby buggy. I didn't bother to ask where it'd
come from. Cy just acquired what she needed. I expected Keith to resist but he seemed
to see it as a gesture of kindness, to find it touching. He allowed her to take Duchess from
him and strap her into the buggy. Cy handled the corpse with great respect, arranging it
in a suitable position, tucking her legs in as if she was sleeping.
“You going to be okay?” she asked me. I nodded and she took off, running back along the
High Street. Keith assumed I'd push the buggy, he walked beside it talking to Duchess in
a conversational way. I tried not to think what we must look like to the people we passed.
When we got to the cathedral I couldn't see anyone I knew, or anyone who looked like
they were waiting for us, so I parked the buggy at the end of a bench and we sat down.
“Make sure the brake's on” said Keith. He sat next to the buggy, patted Duchess
companionably then watched the passers-by, calmly waiting for whatever would happen
next. I sent Mum a text saying I wouldn't be home for tea then passed some time on my
phone.
“Can I have an ice-cream?” Keith suddenly asked. I gaped at him. “Over there. That's the
best shop for ice-cream. You can have one too.”
“Oh. Right. What flavour?”
“Double waffle cone, raspberry and vanilla and a chocolate flake.” I just made it into the
shop before they shut. Coming back, a cone in each hand, I saw how small and lost he
looked perched on the end of the bench, hands loose in his lap, face idly following people
as they passed. No-one saw him, even next to a dead dog in a baby buggy he was one of
life's invisible people.
“Duchess liked ice-cream.”
“Did she?”
“She liked pistachio.”
“Pistachio's nice.”
“What have you got?”
“Chocolate.”
“Duchess didn't like chocolate, too rich.”
“Oh.”
“She was a good dog.”
“Yes.”
“She loved me. Even though I couldn't give her much of a life. Not much, my life, but we
managed. Together. She could have had anything she wanted, fine dog like her, but she
stayed with me. I tried to look after her. She deserved more.” I wasn't sure what to say.
We ate our ice-creams in silence, when he'd finished Keith took the small paper napkin
they'd wrapped round the bottom of the cone, smoothed it on his knee then folded it
carefully and tucked it into a pocket. He look at mine expectantly and I handed it over.
“I think she was maybe a queen in her former life” he said. “Don't you think?” I made an
mmm noise, it seemed to be enough. “When she came to me, I could see immediately.
She had power. She stopped the voices, the nag nag nag. They were afraid of her. They
knew. When the walls went soft she barked once. Just once. One bark, that was all she
needed. Power” he told me seriously, his face so open and trusting I wanted to look away.
I was relieved when he went back to his muttering and mumbling. This was the Keith
I was used to, I could ignore him as he talked to his feet, occasionally turning to the buggy
to include Duchess in his ramblings. There were fewer people around now, and the ones
that did pass us were walking purposefully. I wondered how long it would be before I
could go home. Keith was looking at the cathedral opposite us.
“This is a good place” he said. “A good place for Duchess. Yes, she'll be happy here.”
“I don't think we can leave her here.”
He was firm. “Yes, we'll bury her here. That's why you brought me here. To bury her.”
“Keith, I don't think....”
“She'll like it here. With the good people, the holy people. It's what she deserves. And I
can come and see her sometimes.” His confidence twisted my heart.
“Keith.....”
“See.” He pointed down the road and I saw Tick coming, in his hand he had a spade.
I ran to meet him. He held both arms out so that I could put mine round him and hug
him to me, then he kissed the top of my head. I pulled back to look at the damaged arm
he'd moved away from me.
“How is it?”
“It's going to be fine. Looks gruesome now, but that's just a field dressing.” It looked like
someone had covered him in green goo then wrapped the lot in squidgy cling film.
“Does it hurt?”
“Not much. Come on, let's get this done.” He jogged to the grass in front of the cathedral
where Keith was waiting with the buggy. I followed more slowly, he wasn't really going
to make a hole in the middle of the neat lawn was he? By the time I got there, they'd
already chosen a spot under the big tree. Tick was crouched, cutting at the grass.
“Can you do this? Won't we get into trouble?”
“No-one will notice.” Tick flashed me a quick smile.
“But, do we really have to do it here?”
“Yes” said Keith. “Duchess will be happy here.” I wanted to say but it's only a dog, surely
you can bury a dog anywhere. Tick must have guessed what I was thinking; he gave me a
warning look.
“Duchess was a special dog. She deserves to be buried with honour. She's Keith's family,
and we owe it to him.” He lifted a piece turf, clumsy as he favoured his bad arm, I hurried
to help him cut neat squares and pile them at the side. Standing, he took the spade and
pushed it into the earth with his foot. Keith put a hand on his arm.
“Let me” he said. “She was my dog, I must bury her.”
“Are you sure. I can dig the hole, then you can place her in it.”
“No, I need to do this.” He held Tick's eyes firmly, after a second Tick handed him the
spade.
“We'll be over there if you need us” He took my arm and we moved back, sitting on the
grass a couple of meters away.
Leaning against Tick, his good arm round my shoulders, we watched Keith dig.
“This will take all night” I said.
“So what do you want me to do? Chivvy him? Hurry him up?”
“No, of course not. I was just saying.”
“You don't have to stay.”
“Don't be silly, of course I will.” I looked at the shabby man puffing as he lifted another
shovelful of earth and wished I'd kept my mouth shut.
“Why are you doing this?”
“I have to stay, to keep him invisible.”
“No, I know that. I meant why are you going to so much trouble for a mad tramp. The
guy in Boots got burned and no-one seems bothered about that.”
“Of course we are. Jasper will sort it out. I understand that the burns are mainly
superficial, and none on his face. He'll get time off work on full pay. The company are
terrified of being sued; they think it must be faulty electronics. Someone will tweak their
computers so that he gets a pay-rise. It won't turn out too bad for him.” I remembered
the high scream, it was hard to reconcile that with Tick's matter-of-fact attitude.
“Look. No properly. Watch carefully.” I examined Keith, now in the ground up to his
waist. The hole was growing much quicker than I thought he'd be able to manage. Then
I saw it. He lifted the shovel and tipped it onto the pile at the side then, as he turned
back, the pile grew higher by itself.
“You're doing that?” I asked.
“Uhuh. I'm moving two shovelfuls to his one.”
“Has he noticed?”
“Don't think so. I try to do it as he turns away.”
“But I still don't understand why.”
“We have a responsibility to Keith. Not because of what happened today, it's a longstanding thing. Keith wasn't always as he is now. He used to have a home and a wife.
Then he saw something it would have been better if he hadn't.”
“What?”
“I don't know. All I know is that he's filed as a civilian casualty and we try to look out for
him as much as we can.”
“So you drove him mad and now you've killed his dog.” We were both surprised by my
bitter anger.
“Well, not us as such.”
“It's the same thing.”
“No it isn't.”
“Yes it is. It's all part of the same stuff, the other worlds and the things in them. You and
Jasper and all of it. It's all the same.” My voice was rising, I shook off his soothing hand.
He watched Keith for a while without saying anything. When he did speak his voice was
calm.
“If your friend was run over by a car you wouldn't blame it on a traffic warden.” I wanted
to hit him, to make him angry. I didn't know what I wanted. He put his arm back round
my shoulder but I pulled away.
Keith finished his digging, watched in silence by the two of us.
“Come on” said Tick, and we joined him at the edge of the hole. Tick gently lifted
Duchess and handed her down to Keith, who silently placed her at his feet. He stayed
crouched over the body for a few minutes, then he patted her head and ruffled the fur
along her back.
“Goodbye old friend.” He put a hand up for Tick to help him out. We both helped him fill
the hole back up, Keith using the spade and Tick and I pushing the earth in from the pile.
We stamped it flat then Tick replaced the turf, running his hands over the joins and
making them disappear. All three of us stood still, looking down at the smooth grass.
Then Keith started to cry. His whole body shook as he fought for breath against the
heaving sobs that forced themselves from him. I flung my arms round him to support
him, forgetting his dirt, his strange smell, I held him as he tried to understand his loss.
He stopped as suddenly as he'd started. Standing straight, he squared his shoulders
and patted me.
“Thank you. You're a very kind lady. What's your name?”
“Kate.”
“Thank you Kate. I'm not so fair; unsavoury, harebrained, that's me. You've been very
kind. I appreciate it.” He started crying again, quiet tears running down his face.
“I should take him home.” Tick gave me a worried look.
“Go on then. I can get myself home. I don't need you.” Tick hesitated, then put his hand
under Keith's elbow and turned him towards the street. I watched them slowly walk
away then I ran after them.
“Wait!” I caught up with them, grabbing for Tick's arm. “I only meant I didn't need you
to walk me home. I didn't mean anything else.”
“I know.” Tick grinned and gave me quick kiss. “Stay safe. I'll see you soon.”
I dreamed I was doodling
Trissa wasn't really looking at the random shapes she was making, it was just
something to keep her hands busy while her thoughts raced. The “Arrin lessons” were
getting to her, changing her view of her future. As she'd learned how much was involved
her heart had gone out to her father, she'd never realised how complex his job was below
the surface, and she'd been determined to do her best, to not let him down. Then, slowly,
her resolve had changed and grown without her realising it. She was surprised how
deeply committed she'd become to the role she hadn't chosen. Now she wanted to be a
good Regent because her people needed a good Regent, the responsibility had been
arbitrarily allocated by an accident of birth but she would accept it and do her best to live
up to it.
She scratched viciously with her pen as she approached the idea her thoughts had
been circling warily round. Now that she appreciated the task ahead of her she knew
that she would need the help and support of someone. A husband. She accepted that,
her lessons had shown her the need for a trustworthy ally. She understood why this
person had to be carefully chosen, they needed to have been educated as she had and to
understand what was expected of them, and she could see that a relationship based on
friendship rather than passion was potentially stronger, in her position. The last thing
her country needed was a royal couple who fell badly out of love, for whatever reason.
Bitter squabbling would destabilise the regency, and that must affect the whole
government. Although she'd always known in her mind that she wouldn't marry for love
she now accepted it in her heart, she no longer saw it as a wicked rule imposed on her
but understood the sense of it. Now she was trying to make a decision.
Sadness squeezed her heart and blocked her throat, chilling her body as she fought to
consider her position rationally. Was the pain of stopping everything now greater than
the pain of looking back at what could never be? When she was old would she regret
spinning it out so long, building layer upon layer of longing that would be brutally
crushed? Or would she cherish the bitter-sweet memories and be glad that she had so
many to warm her practical life?
This wasn't like her mother and father. The social gap between them was laughably
small compared with the huge gulf between her and Dag, if she'd fallen in love with a
street sweeper it would hardly be different. Love. That was the word she'd tried to
ignore, to never say even to herself.
He's got to be a slimeball
“Shouldn't you be getting up?” I grumped sleepily at Dad and retreated deeper under
the quilt. “It's called study leave, not sleeping leave. For studying.”
“No way I'm getting up at school time.” I couldn't work out what had brought this on, I'd
have to make more of a show of having my books out when the parents came home.
“I think it would be a good idea. Self-discipline is your best ally when it comes to
revision.” I sat up, picked up my alarm and thrust it at him.
“Look. Nine thirty. I set it last night. Good enough?” Dropping it onto the floor at his
feet I flung myself back down and rolled away from him, pulling the quilt over my head.
I hadn't told him that I'd only set it because we'd all arranged to meet up and I wanted
enough time for a slow mooch and shower and to do my hair and make-up. We'd decided
to treat ourselves, Emma, Chloe, Sophie, Jo and me. We were going to dress up smart and
go to Victoria's, the chintzy tourist teashop where Tick and I had eaten cake and I'd
realised that the freaky weird boy was the only one I wanted. I had been revising, or at
least trying to. Half the time I was in a panic and threw myself at my books madly, the
rest of the time I felt that nothing was going in, that my frenzied reading and underlining
was a waste of time because I wasn't doing it properly. I needed a break, we were going
to relax and enjoy ourselves for a couple of hours. Hopefully it would do us good;
recharge me so I wouldn't feel so manic.
Emma was late. She was already talking as she approached the table.
“You know my mum keeps going away on those work courses? Well, it turns out she
wasn't. She's been Having An Affair With A Married Man. And, wait till you hear this bit,
he's her boss! I know, I can't believe it. All those times she went off with her suitcase,
acting like she wasn't looking forward to it. Lies.”
“You're joking.”
“No. That's what she's been up to. With her boss!”
“Did Tookie know?”
“Don't know. She won't be impressed if she's been lied to, but I can't see her babysitting
so someone can cheat on his wife.”
“So how come you know now?”
“He turned up last night. Ring on the doorbell, Worm opens the door and there he is with
a heap of bags and boxes. Worm thinks he's got the wrong house but then Mum appears
in the hall all flustered and blushing and makes Worm help carry in his stuff.”
“He's moving in?”
“Yup. Just like that. Lots of whispered conversations in the kitchen. I don't think she
was expecting him, she was in tatty flops, kept touching her hair as if she was wishing
she'd washed it. I spose he's only seen her in her smart work clothes.”
“So what happened, did his wife throw him out?”
“Don't know. They didn't tell us much, I asked loads of questions but Mum slapped me
down, and you know what The Worm's like, he just kept his head down as if he wasn't
interested.”
“What's he like?”
“Hard to tell. Tried to be friendly but obviously had no idea what to say to us, so he came
over a bit pathetic. You know that “talking to young people” voice?” We all nodded,
pulling yuck faces. “I think he might be younger than her.”
“Go your mum” said Chloe laughing. Emma didn't think it was funny.
“He's got to be a slimeball.”
“You don't know that” I said.
“Got to be. What kind of man cheats on his wife with someone at work? A slimeball.”
“Perhaps they fell in love” said Jo. Emma pulled a nauseated face, making us giggle.
“It's not funny.” The waitress came over and she fell silent. We all spent ages choosing
cake.
“What you grinning at?” Chloe asked me.
“Nothing. Sorry.”
“Yes you were. You went all soft and soppy.”
“I was just remembering the last time I was here.”
“Oh, I bet it was with Tick. That's why you're looking slushy.”
“He brought you here?” asked Jo
“It wasn't a date. It was just, I don't know, friends. And his cake exploded all over the
table. That's what I was remembering.” I could feel a blush threatening.
“Anyway. He's living with us now. Just like that. A complete stranger in my house.”
“You're mum's had boyfriends before” said Chloe.
“Yes, but they never moved in. They might sometimes stay over. That was yucky enough.
But I always knew them by the time they did that. I've never met him before and now
his toothbrush's in my bathroom.”
Once we were into it and I'd taken a couple of exams I wasn't so freaked. The way the
exam timetable was structured gave me loads of “study leave” between each one; I tried
not to look too much like I was enjoying staying at home and Dad left me to it. I honestly
was revising, but I only seemed to able to manage small spurts, a lot of time was spent
fiddling round in the kitchen making increasingly elaborate snacks which were then
eaten in front of the T.V. I was stretched out on the sofa one morning when the front
door opened, causing a major guilty panic attack.
“Busted.” Luke swung in, laughing. “You should see your face. What's going on?”
“Study leave.” I re-balanced my plate on my knee.
“Of course.” He grabbed a cracker.
“Hey! I spent ages on that!” He twisted it round, admiring the neat pile of cheese spread
that supported a symmetric pattern of tomato and cucumber slices. “This is a work of
art.” He shoved it into his mouth.
“What're you doing here?”
“I live here.”
“Barely.”
“What you watching?” He dropped into a chair. “Seen this one. I need to ask the 'rents
for something, thought it might be better if I put in some face time.”
“Is it money?”
“It's an investment. In my future.”
“You haven't got Eve with you?”
“No, she's doing her own thing. Why, do you think I should've brought her? They liked
her, maybe she could've helped charm them.”
“They call her Mouse.”
“Really? I thought they liked her.” He looked hurt. I'd spoken without thinking; too late
to take it back now. “You like her. Right?”
“I'm sure they do like her, it's just one of Dad's stupid things.” Please don't ask me again if
I like her. “So what do you need money for?”
“I want to go to Istanbul.”
“No way. There's no way they'll pay for you to go on holiday.”
“It's not a holiday. It's a once in a lifetime study opportunity.”
“In Istanbul?”
“Yeah. They dug up a weird bundle of stuff in Turkey, place called Idil. Now it's moved to
the university in Istanbul and I've been invited to go and study it.”
“Really? You?”
“Yes. Me. My tutor actually, but he's said he'll take a couple of students with him. It would
be great, everyone wants to see it, and I've got this chance to actually study it. Well, help
the man that's studying it.” All the teasing was gone. He was animated, serious. He
looked older.
“Is this the thing you were telling us about at Christmas?”
“Was I?”
“The thing that was taken into the middle of nowhere then buried very deep?”
“That's it. I really want to see it. There's a bundle then a box then more wrappings then
a flint. And that's where it gets interesting.”
“A flint? Like a lump of rock? How interesting can it get?”
“Very actually. That's where we come in.”
“Your man? The professor?”
“He's the flint expert. That's why he's been invited.”
“What's he going to do? Work out how old it is?”
“We know all that, and where it came from in Wales. That's basic stuff. It's the way it's
been shaped that's getting everyone very excited.”
“You're joking. How can you know it came from Wales?”
“That's what we scholars do. You take a small slice with a laser and....” I crossed my eyes
at him. “Magic X-rays” he said, nodding wisely.
“Oohh, magic X-rays.” I waved my arms about spookily.
“Shouldn't you be revising?”
“What's the time? Oh crap. You've made me late for Emma.”
“Istanbul?” Emma sat up a bit. “Perhaps we could go visit him there.”
“In Istanbul? Doubt it.”
“You don't know, there might be cheap flights.”
“Where is it?”
“Dunno. But it sounds exotic; snake charmers and camels and stuff. Don't you think? So
this thing he's going to see, is it caveman stuff?”
“Mesolithic actually.”
“”Oooh get you. What does that mean?”
“Caveman I think.”
“Ask him if we can go visit.”
“Can't see my mum and dad letting us fly off on our own. Neither would your mum would
she?”
“She might, if she thought she'd get some time alone with Slimeball. Perhaps he'd cough
up for the ticket.”
“Mine won't.”
“Ask Luke anyway, just in case. It can't hurt.”
“How is it with Slimeball now?” She twisted her mouth.
“The same. He gets irritable about eightish every night. He's not used to us being around
all the time, his kid's only five so she has a bedtime, he still thinks the evening is grownup's time.”
“He's got a kid?”
“A girl. Molly. He brought her for tea the other night.”
“What's she like?”
“You know how you meet someone and you can tell they're an only child?”
“Loads of kids are only children.”
“Yes, but not all of them are Mummy and Daddy's little princess.”
“Every little girl should be Mummy and Daddy's little princess.”
She scowled at me. “You're doing this on purpose.”
“Sorry. You didn't like her then?”
“She started off all shy, which was fine. Holding really tight to his hand, all her weight
against his leg. My mum did that crouching down thing, hands on knees, huge smile,
unnatural voice. “Hello Molly, I've heard so much about you.” Molly scoots behind his leg,
won't come out. Mum tried wheedling, telling her she's got her a present. Molly kept
trying to hide, I thought Mum was going to chase her round and round Jeffrey. Eventually
she gives up, says “I'll just give it to your Daddy then shall I?” Mum wants me to make
friends with her, that didn't go well. Maybe she could tell I didn't really want to. Mum
made pasta for tea, said she knows it's Molly's favourite meal. But it was all wrong.”
“How can pasta be wrong?”
Emma's laugh was evil. “It was the wrong shape, and the sauce was nothing like her
Mum's sauce. Slimeball tried to get her to eat some, but you could tell they both knew
that she always gets her own way. So Mum goes into overdrive, trying to find something
she does like. She got her to agree that she likes sausages then she cooked some, then
Molly said she didn't like them. Slimeball said not to worry, that she'd just fill up when
he took her back and Mum went ballistic, “I can't send her home hungry Jeff”, then she
suddenly turns weepy, “I wanted this to go well”. Worm and I are just staring at her as
she goes into major meltdown. Then I saw the look on Molly's face as she watched her.
Smug isn't half of it.”
“Can't blame her really” I suggested tentatively.
“That's it! He's such a slimeball. Not only has he screwed up my life, he's screwed up
hers much worse. Everyone said oooh, perhaps they fell in love, but he had no business
falling in love with my mum if he had a little girl. Even a spoiled brat like Molly. Who had
to be given chocolate cake. Loads of it, as much as Mum could get down her. And then
Mum said did she want a drink and she didn't want squash, she only drinks juice, so
Mum gets out the orange juice but she wants apple. This bit was quite funny. Mum
wanted Jeffrey to go to the shop and get apple juice and he didn't want to. Molly and Me
and Worm are all watching, hoping they'll have a fight, then she goes “Jeff!” in that voice
she puts on and he gives in. Molly looks daggers, she obviously hated to see him do what
Mum told him. Then she refused to be left with us so he had to take her with him in the
car. He looked so pissed off.”
My last exam was physics and it went horrendously wrong. I read the first question
too quickly and misunderstood it. When I was half way through my answer I realised it
wasn't making any sense. I checked the question and saw what had happened, then I
had to put lines through everything I'd done and start again. After that I constantly felt I
was chasing after the time. I had to force myself to read the next question very slowly,
fighting the feeling that I didn't have time for this, that I had to start hurrying to get stuff
down on the paper. I lost confidence in my answers, kept going back to check what I'd
written so far, floundering between the need to just keep writing as fast as I could and the
certainty that everything I was writing was rubbish. I could feel the rest of the room
calmly tracking their pens over the paper, it felt like everyone could do it except me.
When it was over I kept my face down, examining the desk in front of me as the
papers were collected in. I was out of the room and away as fast as I could, I couldn't face
the post-exam chatter. I ploughed past the usual conversations; what did you put, how
did you do, hurrying to pick up my bag then opening it and fiddling round inside so that I
didn't have to look at anyone as I fled. I had a text waiting for me.
“Don't worry, it's only one exam. You probably did better than you think. Love you. T”
I sent back “That bad !?!”
He replied immediately. “Not like the dentist but I could tell it wasn't going well.”
“Sorry.” My tense stride had slowed to a gentle stroll as I tapped at my phone. I wasn't
really sorry, I realised, it was comforting that he'd known how I felt. I kept watching the
screen, hoping for more.
“Don't apologise. I miss you so much I was glad of it. Hope all your exams go badly if I
get to feel you with me. How sad is that?”
“I miss you too.”
I know. Got to go now. I love you.”
Halfway to the front door I stopped to look at the pebble that'd skidded out from under
my foot; the shine had caught my eye. It was smooth and white and looked like a heart, I
picked it up and put it in my pocket. Then I saw another one the same, as I picked that
one up I examined it more thoroughly; one heart shaped pebble is a lucky find, two
together was too much of a coincidence. A glint of white farther along the drive revealed
a cluster of three, I put those with the others in my pocket as I looked for more. Head
down, I followed the trail of hearts round the side of the house to the garden. The white
flecks on the grass weren't stones, they were petals. They swept in a curve to the tree by
the fence. When I saw it I couldn't believe it.
It was covered in glass hearts suspended from coloured ribbons. All different sizes,
they glowed and sparkled in the sun. It was beyond beautiful, I'd never seen anything
like it. I touched one of the lower ones gently, not sure if they were really there, it swung
away from my finger, rainbows spilling onto my hand. I stared at it for ages then sent a
text.
“Thank you it's beautiful.” I sat on the grass, still holding my phone, though I didn't
expect an answer. When it vibrated it made me jump.
“It's just a trick, it won't last long.”
“Love you.” I waited, but he didn't reply. I didn't matter, the feeling of him being there
with me, silently admiring the fairytale tree, wrapped round me in the warm sunshine. I
lay on my back, looking up through the branches at the rainbows playing on the leaves.
The breeze made the hearts twinkle and dance over my head.
I didn't remember falling asleep, Mum touched my shoulder and my eyes went straight
to the branches above. It was all gone, just a normal tree in a normal garden.
“Communing with nature?” she asked smiling. “I don't blame you, it's a lovely day. I
might bring my cup of tea out here. Do you want one.?”
“Yes please.” I sat up, still feeling outside normal life. The image was so clear in my head,
I hoped I'd never forget it.
“How did the exam go?” Mum and I were both leaning against the tree trunk. She'd
brought a couple of cushions with the tea and a packet of biscuits. I slowly finished
chewing, putting off answering.
“Not so good” I admitted eventually.
“Well, it's over with now, we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed.”
“Not sure that'll help.” I tried not to think about it, to hide in the memory of the glass
hearts.
“It's only one exam.”
“That's what Tick said.”
“And it's the last one. You can relax now.”
“I just know I'm going to fail.”
“All you can do is your best.” I remembered all the time spent eating in front of the
television and guilt prickled through me.
“It's not just that one. All of them. I think I might fail all of them.”
“No you don't. You're stressed and everything is exaggerated. I'm sure it will be fine.”
“But what if it isn't?”
She hugged me against her shoulder, rubbing her hand up and down my arm. “We'll
worry about that if it happens. Which it won't.”
“I'll have to leave school. They won't let me stay on for A2s. I'll have toilet-hands.”
“You'll have what?”
“Nothing. One of Emma's silly jokes.”
“How is Emma?”
“Alright I think. Slimeball's still there.”
“I wish you wouldn't call him Slimeball.”
“Emma does.”
“Even so.”
You're in your pyjamas
When I was at junior school it was great that my parents were teachers. They were
always around when I wasn't at school, I didn't spend the holidays moving between
childminders and relatives. Now that I was older it wasn't such an advantage. Everyone
else had empty houses all day, at my house it was just like an incredibly long weekend.
Mum wasn't too bad, she got on with her life and I got on with mine, but Dad was louder
and everywhere and interested in what I doing or showing me what he was doing. If
friends came round he always acted as if they'd come to see him, and then he'd start with
the bad jokes. Emma came round a lot, she tried to be at mine in the late afternoon so
that she'd be asked if she was staying for tea. Mum and Dad gave no sign that they
noticed what she was doing, though I knew they had. They never asked her anything
about home, just fed her then gave her a lift back in the evening.
At least no-one tried to make me get up in the morning. I was left to emerge whenever
I liked, and get dressed if I felt like it. I spent most mornings slopping round in pyjamas,
only putting on clothes when I had something to do. I was reading a lot, partly to put a
barrier between me and Dad, but mainly because I was enjoying it. I hadn't realised how
long it was since I'd simply read for pleasure, school had tainted all books and reading. I
wondered how Chloe and Emma, who both took English, coped.
Bored with my room, I took my current book downstairs and propped it on the
kitchen table next to the biscuit tin. Dad pulled the biscuits out of my reach. I pulled
them back.
“Wouldn't you be better off outside, getting some exercise?” he asked. I ignored him,
concentrated on my reading.
“Leave her alone Dave, she's relaxing.” Mum was reading at the table too, she tweaked the
tin so that it was between us.
“Anne, I nearly forgot to tell you. Jasper and Mac said they might pop in this morning.”
Mum looked up from the newspaper. “Who's Mac?”
“Jasper's friend from last night. Remember, I told you about him when I got home.”
“Did you? I was probably asleep.”
“You answered.”
“Darling, I don't have to be awake to have a conversation with you. In fact it's often
better that way.”
“Oh ho. Ha ha. So, as I told you last night. Jasper brought his friend Mac with him, nice
bloke, very interesting. He's only around for a couple of days, he's on his way somewhere
but he broke his journey to catch up with Jasper; old friends from way back.”
“On his way where?”
“Can't remember. I was telling him about the greenhouse, that new irrigation system
I've put in? He's into organic gardening too, so I said if he had time he should come and
have a look, see what he thinks. Jasper said he might bring him round this morning.”
“Fine.” Mum went back to her paper.
I was upstairs when they arrived, through my open window I heard them go out into
the garden, Dad chattering away and a strange male voice asking questions. I read
another page of my book then I was suddenly thirsty. I tried to ignore it, I couldn't be
bothered to get dressed and I didn't want to meet a strange man in my pyjamas, but my
mouth was really dry. They were still outside, I decided to risk it. As I was running the
tap Mum appeared in the kitchen door.
“Oh there you are. Jasper was asking after you. Why don't you come out and have a cup
of tea with us?”
“Mum! I'm in not dressed.”
“You look decent. Come, on, it's a lovely day.”
“No. Thank. You.”
“Suit yourself.” Too late. Someone came up behind her, a tall man who smiled at me over
her shoulder.
“You must be Kate” he said.
“Yes, hello.” I tried to scoot past them but he kept talking to me.
“It's nice to meet you Kate, I'm Mac.”
“Yes.”
“Why don't you join us in the garden? Come on, we've been promised scones.”
“Scones?” I gave Mum a startled look.
“With home-made strawberry jam.” He twinkled at Mum.
“Ah Kate, I was wondering where you were.” Jasper's smile faltered. “You're in your
pyjamas.”
“Yes, I'm in my pyjamas.” I couldn't see why he cared.
“She looks decent” said Mac giving me a grin as I sat down.
“You don't sound Scottish” I said.
“No, I travel a lot with my job, I lost my accent somewhere along the way.”
“Mac's diplomatic” said Dad, sounding impressed.
Jasper laughed at my blank face. “He doesn't mean that he doesn't upset people. He
means that Mac works for the Diplomatic Service, he's an ambassador.”
“Oh.” I couldn't think of anything to say. Mum arrived with a tray, she was using the
teapot, no teabags in mugs for Mac.
“I hear you're a scientist.” Mac poured me a cup of tea, he seemed to have taken over.
“Well I'm studying sciences at school.”
“And art” interrupted Jasper, “Kate's a very talented artist.” I gave him a shut-up look but
he ignored me. “I've got one of her pieces stored in my barn. Very impressive.”
“I'll have to find time to take a look at it” said Mac smoothly. “When do you finish your
studies?”
“I've got one more year at school, if I pass the last lot of exams. Then maybe uni.”
“University? What will you study?”
I shrugged. “Don't know yet. I'm trying not to think about it.” I concentrated on my tea,
trying to duck out of the conversation.
“This jam is wonderful Anne. And warm scones too.” I had no idea where the scones
had come from. She must keep them hidden in the freezer for when she wants to
impress tall twinkly-eyed men.
“They're my strawberries” said Dad. “Organic of course.”
“Of course” said Mac, “you can taste the difference. What else do you grow?” Dad started
off on a long annotated list, Jasper and I exchanged amused looks. Mac listened politely,
occasionally asking a question to show he was paying attention. When Dad ran out of
steam he turned back to me.
“Do you like to read?” I blinked at him. “I noticed a book on the table and wondered if it
was yours.”
“It's only trash. Just light reading to pass the time.” I didn't know why I cared what he
thought. “It's not exactly Anna Karenina.” He laughed.
“Who'd have the time for that?” he asked. The doorbell rang.
“Well we are popular today” said Dad. “I'll get it.”
“How's the holidays going?” Jasper asked me. “You appear very relaxed.”
“That's me, I could get a gold medal in relaxing.”
“Well you certainly put in a lot of training.” He turned to grin at Tick who was following
Dad into the garden. Tick didn't smile back.
“Have you met Mac?” asked Dad as he got another chair. Tick ignored it, standing
behind me with his hands on my shoulders.
“Yes, I know Mac” he said flatly.
“Calm down boy. Have a cup of tea.” I couldn't work out what was amusing Jasper.
“Good to see you Tick” said Mac. “Have a cup of tea. And a scone. Anne's jam is
delicious.”
“Yes Tick, have a scone.” Mum started sorting out a plate for him. I felt Tick give a sort of
shrug. He rubbed his hands on my shoulders then moved to the chair Dad had put
between Jasper and Mac.
“I tried to ring you” he told me.
“Sorry, my phone's in my room.”
“That's not like you” Dad was being jolly. “I thought it never left your side.”
“I'd only popped down for a drink, I was suddenly thirsty. I hadn't expected to be drawn
into a garden party.” I saw Tick give Jasper a filthy look, no-one else noticed, I made a note
to find out later what he'd done to upset Tick.
“Do you have any children?” Mum asked Mac.
“Yes I have three boys and two girls.”
“Five children? Wow. And I thought two were hard enough work.”
“I come from a tradition of large families.”
“How old are they?”
“They're all grown up now. One of my girls has children of her own.”
“You don't look old enough to be a grandfather!” Mum was practically flirty.
“It comes round quicker than you think. My youngest son is in the army, my oldest and
my youngest actually. But it's the youngest that I miss most.” Tick was picking at the
paint on the table. “It seems impossible to me that he's off on his own in strange lands,
making his own life without me. I think of him often.”
“I know what you mean, when Luke first went away to college I was so worried.”
“Did you go to Sheffield to check up on him?” asked Tick, giving Mac a hard look.
“Yes of course she did” laughed Dad.
“Only because you insisted Dave. You said he'd spend all of his money on drink in the
first month, and we'd better take him up some food.”
“Was this based on your own experience?” asked Jasper. Everyone but Tick laughed.
“Good of you to put me up at such short notice, by the way.” Mac was talking to Jasper,
but he was looking at Tick. “My plans changed suddenly. I was expecting to come to you
next week, and I would of course have let you know in advance. I was hoping to take you
out to dinner, to be less circumspect, but I don't know how long I can stay. I might be
leaving this afternoon.”
“Well, I'm glad you and Jasper didn't go to dinner. I enjoyed last night” said Dad.
“So did I, we'll have to do it again. I'm sure I'll be back this way.”
“You weren't around last night.” said Jasper gently to Tick. Tick leaned across the table.
“Here, Kate, let me pour you some more tea. I wouldn't want you to be suddenly thirsty.”
I tried to give him a what's up? look but he was glaring at Jasper.
“Is that the phone?”
“Oh, that'll be Elaine.” Mum hurried inside.
“There goes an hour” said Dad. Jasper grinned, Elaine and Mum were famous for talking
for ever.
“Show me this irrigation system of yours again Dave, I still don't understand how it
works.” Jasper took Dad off up the garden. Tick immediately turned on Mac.
“So does she pass?”
“Don't be silly. I just wanted to see you both. I'm sorry it's upset you.”
“It wasn't fair. Surely you can see that.”
Mac sighed. “Tick, things are quite complicated at the moment, I'm being kept very busy.
I was glad to be sent here because it gave me a chance to see you and to meet Kate. I
honestly had planned to come announced and properly introduced, to take you both to
dinner. Then everything changed and it became a flying visit. If you hadn't been away
yesterday it would have been better. How did that go by the way?”
Tick shrugged. “About as well as it could have done. There were, as you say,
complications. What about Kate? I think you should apologise.” Mac turned smoothly to
me.
“So you're his dad, right?”
“Yes, I am. I'm very pleased to meet you Kate. His mother would have skinned me alive if
I couldn't bring back a description for her. I'm sorry about the small deception.” Tick
snorted.
“So why didn't Jasper just tell my parents that you were Tick's dad? They would have
accepted that.”
“Because as far as your parents are concerned my parents are out of the country
travelling, that's why I'm staying with Jasper.” I'd forgotten.
“Please ignore Tick's somewhat ill-mannered implication that I came to inspect you, to
see if you “passed”. I admit I was curious, and when Jasper gave me the chance to meet
your family of course I went along with it. I see I've embarrassed him, I should have
thought it through.” I wanted to laugh, Tick looked exactly as Luke used to when Dad
was talking to his friends.
“I'm not embarrassed” he muttered. “I just think you've been unfair to Kate, sneaking in
like a spy. I wouldn’t have known you were here at all if Peter hadn't told me.”
“We didn't expect you back yet. If I'd known you'd be back this morning, I would have
waited to see you first , then asked you to bring me to meet Kate. Who, by the way, is
lovely. I can see what you see in her.” I cringed, Tick grinned across at me, raising his
eyebrows.
“Excuse me.” Mac pulled out a slim black phone and walked into the middle of the
lawn as he answered it. Tick and I held hands across the table, he pulled a rueful face.
“Sorry about that. He's always like this. He does what he wants to do, never thinks about
anyone else's feelings.”
“He's very smooth, your dad.”
“And he thinks you're lovely.” Tick chuckled as I scowled at him, rubbing his thumb
across the back of my hand.
Abby and Ryan were singing. Abby sometimes sang when we weren't too busy, she
said it helped the time pass. Now Ryan was joining in I was beginning to feel I was in a
film. I imagined the customers suddenly jumping out from the queue, up from the tables
and forming a chorus as Abby and Ryan related their life stories in song. I wasn't
singing; too self-conscious. Some of me wanted to join in, it looked like fun, but I couldn't
find the switch inside me that would loosen me enough. I imagined myself swinging the
paper over the chips with a flourish, my body moving to the rhythm of the words I sang
as I moved to the till, it would be easy. I'd probably be less conspicuous than I was now,
the only stiff heavy person behind the counter. Ryan was drumming on top of the fryer
with his slotted spoons when Jasper walked in.
“Is that covered by the health and safety assessment?” asked Jasper. Our technicolour
soundtrack was turned off, Ryan and Abby exchanged rueful looks. I followed Jasper to
the back office.
“You made me thirsty!” I accused him as I shut the door.
“Hello Kate, how are you?”
“Mad at you.”
“Oh.”
“I was in my pyjamas! My pyjamas! You didn't think to ring or text? Warn me? Tick's
right, it wasn't fair. I don't blame Mac; but you, I thought you were my friend.”
“I'm sorry Kate, I didn't think.”
“All that crap about Kate's a talented artist!”
“Well you are.”
“If you wanted me to make a good impression I think the first thing you would do is
make sure I was dressed. Maybe give me a chance to brush my hair.”
“You're right. I'm sorry. Again. I was being bounced along by Mac, I didn't get time to
think it through. Mac's that sort of person; when he says jump you jump. And Peter was
being Peter all over the place. I'm sorry. He liked you though.”
“No thanks to you. Did he? Really? Like me?”
“Yes, he said so.”
“Oh.” I tried not to care, it didn't make any difference to how I felt about Jasper, but my
anger was diluted by my pleasure at Tick's dad liking me. Pathetic, I told myself.
“Tick's already had a go at me, you'll be happy to know. I've got a lot on my mind at the
moment, I shouldn't have snapped at them out there just now. Things are getting more
complicated than expected.”
“Everyone keeps saying complicated. What does that mean?”
Jasper grinned. “Nothing really. Just that I'm busy, and it makes me grumpy. You've met
Peter, he's enough in himself.”
“Why is he staying with you? What does he do?”
“Nothing that I can see. He's on sulking leave. He applied for Chancellor at his college,
was sure he'd get it, he was the only one surprised when they gave the job to someone
else, took it very badly. I know all about it, it's his main topic of conversation during the
long evenings I can't find an excuse to go out. So now he's on sabbatical, that's what they
call it when you take a long time off. Research, he says, a personal project that's going to
change the world as we know it. They must have been keen to get rid of him, he's got a
pass that pretty well allows him to travel where he wants. Even now when it's
“complicated”. If he turns up I have to look after him, that's part of my job.”
“What's his research about?”
“No idea, he's coy. I suspect there isn't any project, like I said they've sent him off on
sulking leave.” We both laughed.
“Do you still dream of Trissa?” he asked me.
“Not for ages, why?”
“No reason, I just wondered. I'm supposed to be aware of that sort of thing.”
“You're going to write a report on me?”
“No, no, nothing like that. I've got far too much to do. I've got to get more de-caf tea or
Peter will have a migraine.” I followed him out, still laughing, and wondering how Trissa
was. I missed the dreams, I'd grown fond of her, it'd been more than simply having my
own personal soap to watch. I hoped that I wasn't dreaming of her because she was
happy, that there wasn't enough stress in her life for me to pick up her thoughts.
Mum was baking when I got home.
“Are there people coming” I asked. I wanted to know who it was, in case I needed to run
away before they arrived.
“No, I just fancied making some cakes. I thought I'd put them in the freezer in case
anyone turns up unexpectedly.” Obviously carried away by Mac's polite appreciation of
her scones. I swiped my finger along the edge of the bowl and licked it.
“Are you going to freeze all of them?”
“I'll leave some out for you and Dad. If you like you can decorate them. I think I've got
some sprinkles in the cupboard.”
“Mum! I'm not six!”
“I might be able to find some sugar flowers as well.” I stomped upstairs as she laughed. I
knew I probably would decorate the cakes, but I was determined to go for something
more adult than sugar flowers. Maybe dark chocolate and coffee frosting, or something
with chopped nuts. Knowing my luck, there'd be nothing in the cupboard but pink
sprinkles. Maybe Mum would go to the shop, if I asked nicely.
I was pulling everything out of the cupboard to see what had got lost at the back,
Mum was tutting half-heartedly at the mess. When the phone rang I ignored it.
“Isn't that the phone?” asked Mum pointedly from the sink.
“I don't know why you're looking at me. It's never for me.”
“I get fed up with walking past people to answer the phone or the door.”
“But it'll be for you, it's never for me. Quick, or it'll go to answerphone.” Mum huffed
past me and lunged for the phone.
“Hello? Oh hello Emma. Yes, she's here. I'll just get her for you.” The polite phone voice
couldn't quite mask her triumph.
I snatched it from her as she danced round trying to hold it out of my reach. “Very funny.”
“Where have you been? I kept ringing but you don't answer.”
“Sorry Emm, I must have left my phone in my room. You okay? What is it?” She didn't
sound okay. “Hang on, let me get upstairs.” As I headed for some privacy the doorbell
rang. I thought I might as well answer it as I was in the hall. “So what's happening?” I
asked as I opened the door.
“It's Slimeball. Of course. Who else could it be?”
“What's he done now?” Tick was standing on the doorstep, he grinned at me and caught
up my free hand, squeezing it gently and nuzzling my neck on the opposite side to the
phone.
“Hi” he whispered.
“What's that noise?” asked Emma.
“It's just Tick.”
“Oh sorry Kate, I'll ring back later.”
“Don't be silly. He'll wait.” I gave him an apologetic half shrug and he nodded. Still
holding his hand I shut the door and carried on upstairs. “So what did he do?” I asked
her. Tick gave my hand a sharp pull, then flicked his eyes back down to the hall; Dad had
come out to see who was at the door. He was scowling pointedly at me leading Tick up to
my room, I sighed. “Hang on a minute Emm. I'm on the phone!” I waved it at him.
“Fine!”. I sat on the top step. “Happy?” Tick sat on the step below me, his face a neutral
mask as Dad huffed back to wherever he'd come from.
“Okay, sorry about that. What did he do?”
“Are you sure you can talk now?”
“Yes of course. What happened?” Tick picked up my feet and wrapped my legs round
his waist, I leaned the side of my head against his back. “Honest Emm, I'm fine. Tell me.”
“He was sitting on the sofa fiddling with his blackberry, we were watching crap on the
television, me and The Worm. Mum was wandering in and out, you know. Then he said
“Can you turn that down, it's very distracting.” It wasn't even very loud. So Worm said
“You could do that somewhere else,” which I thought was fair enough. And he turns to
Mum and says “Are you going to let him speak to me like that?”
“What did your mum say?” Tick was tickling my ankle, I tried to ignore it.
“Nothing at first, but we were all looking at her, so eventually she says weakly “It is quite
loud William. Jeff's trying to catch up on his work emails.” Then there was one of those
long surprised silences. We both couldn't believe it. The Worm got up and walked away.
Slimeball called after him “I don't mind you watching, I only wanted it turned down
slightly” and Worm comes back in and strides to the TV and turns it off and the look he
gave Slimeball could have shrivelled the skin off someone who was less of an arrogant
arsehole, and Mum's flapping round all weak and pathetic. So I said “Kind of you to not
mind us watching our own television in our own house. Very generous.” and I walked
out too.”
“You walked out?”
“Only up to my room. Later, I wished I'd actually, you know, walked out. But it was too
late then.”
“Do you want to come round here?” I tried to muffle a giggle as I kicked my ankle away
from Tick's tickling fingers, thumping my heel gently into his stomach.
“I don't want to get in the way.”
“You wouldn't be in the way.”
“That's not what it sounds like from this end.”
“Sorry Emm. I am listening.” Tick put both hands in the air to show he'd stopped fooling
around and I laid my head back on his shoulders, swapping the phone to the other side.
“So what happened later?” I asked.
“I heard Mum come up and knock on The Worm's door and try to talk to him but it didn't
sound like she was getting anywhere. Then she went back down and I was hoping her
and Slimeball would have a row but if they did it was a very quiet one. Then the doorbell
rang and The Worm was straight out of his room and halfway down the stairs before I'd
realised something was going on. When I got to the top of the stairs Tooki was in the hall
and The Worm was standing next to her glowering at Mum, holding a bag.”
“He'd rung her?”
“Yeah, and she'd come for him. But she wouldn't take me.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know. She sent The Worm to sit in her car and she took me back up to my room
and sat on my bed and talked in that kind patient voice but she wouldn't let me go with
them.”
“What did she say?”
“She said we were all going through a difficult time at the moment, that transitions were
always hard. I had to remember that Jeffrey was having to make a huge adjustment too.
I don't know, all that sort of stuff. She said William was only going to stay with her for a
night, or maybe two.”
“It's not fair though.”
“I said that, but she said she wouldn't take both of us, maybe I could stay with her soon,
we could make a proper arrangement. Even when I cried it didn't make any difference.”
“You definitely have to come round here. My parents won't mind.”
“I don't want to go anywhere any more. I don't want to give him what he wants. He'd
love it if we both ran away and left the two of them together. She would too.”
“Your mum? Really?”
“I reckon so. You should see her with him. It's disgusting.”
“You sure you won't come to mine? Just for tonight?”
“No, I'm feeling better now. And I don't want to stop your snog-fest any longer.”
“Not much chance of a snog-fest with my dad home.” I felt Tick's silent laugh.
“Not like my house then. I keep catching them at it, it's beyond yucky. I'll see you
tomorrow.”
“You sure you're sure?”
“Yeah. Give Tick my love.” She hung up.
“Is she alright?” He'd wrapped my legs back round him and slid both hands up into my
trousers, gently stroking my calves. It felt wonderful.
“I think so, sorry about that.”
“Not a problem, she needed you. And I'm happy here.” Neither of us moved, I kept my
head against his back, feeling his hands on my legs until eventually Dad appeared again
and we sheepishly came downstairs.
It's the law
Dear Kate,
Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I was to meet you, and I say I know. I should have
written earlier – I don't want you to think I forgot about you or that I don't appreciate
how hard that long night must have been for you. A lot of it's foggy for me but through it
all there was you with your blanket and bendy straws. Your hopeful voice was what I
fastened myself to as I rode the pain and fought the darkness. I'm probably
embarrassing you with my dramatic prose, but I needed to tell you how important you
were to me that night, how much I relied on you. And you didn't let me down.
Anyway. That's enough of that. Jasper got me to the hospital ok (not one of your
hospitals, a “special” one for us folk). Everyone admired your dressing work, apparently
the wound was much cleaner than they expected. It was still a serious piece of damage
and it took a long time to get me all fixed up. Just as I was getting suicidally bored they
announced I was allowed to go home. The first week or so had passed without me really
noticing, what with the pain meds and everything. Then they let people in to see me and
you wouldn't believe how many people did want to see me. I told my story over and over
again to everyone including the General's cat I think. It helped pass the time as I lay
there slowly mending but it grew monotonous answering the same old questions just put
in different ways. Then suddenly it all stopped and there was nothing to do but flirt with
the nurses. They don't flirt back though, you're quickly made aware that there's nothing
you can think of they haven't heard before!
Now I'm home waiting to be passed fit for work. I'm not going back into my old job –
although I'm healing well the medics say there might be some long term issues which
make me unsuitable for undercover work. It's harder to hide yourself in a community if
you need specialist drugs or access to a non-native doctor. I don't mind, the isolation can
get tough at times and I feel I've done my fair share. Once I'm passed fit I'm going to the
Allocations Board to see what they've got for me, I'm hoping for some soft sentinel work
on a sunny beach, I can see myself in a deckchair under a palm tree near a bar. What do
you think my chances are?
I hope all is going well in your life and that Jasper's team sorted everything so you
had no problems with your parents. Thank you again, I promise I won't blast you with
more sentimentality but remember that somewhere in the Panactuality there will be
someone who, every time his old belly wound twinges, thinks of you fondly.
Brackley
Jasper had slipped me the letter as I was leaving work and I'd read it on the way home.
He was right he did embarrass me, but I was pleased to hear from him. He'd been
whisked away from me so quickly that, although Jasper had told me he would be alright, I
hadn't believed it in my heart, the memory of the ragged hole in his side stronger than
Jasper's hurried message. I hoped he'd get his deckchair on the beach, a rum cocktail
always within reach.
I don't know how thinking of Brackley brought Keith into my mind, maybe it was the
idea of happy endings; the unreasonable, but understandable, idea that everyone deserved
one. I'd thought about Keith a lot at first, wondering how he was getting on, but I'd
slowly forgotten about him. Not actually forgotten, but what with exams and stuff he'd
slipped from my day to day thoughts. Occasionally something would happen to remind
me, and I'd guiltily try to remember to ask Jasper if he knew how he was, but I always
forgot before I got a chance to. He didn't come into the shop while I was working, I
hadn't actually seen him since the horrible evening in front of the cathedral. I found it
hard to deal with what Tick had told me about Keith having a different life once, didn't
really want to consider the implications. When I'd been waiting for news of Tick and the
Skark I'd conjured up images of whole armies of dangerous unimaginable things
clustered round the edges of our ignorant innocent lives, held at bay by people like Jasper
and Tick, but I'd quickly readjusted my thinking to a more mundane level. When the flak
broke through I'd seen it as a one-off incident, a sort of accident. That's what it had to
be, I couldn't deal with the idea that my stressed imaginings of the previous year might be
only a slight exaggeration of the real truth of our lives. So, if I was honest with myself, I
squashed thoughts of Keith as much as possible.
When I did see Keith, he was accompanied by a puppy. He and Duchess had always
shuffled into the shop together, now Keith shuffled, the puppy leapt and pranced, pulled
up onto its back legs when it reached the end of the knotted together string.
“Hello Keith” said Jasper. “Haven't seen you for ages. Who's this?” Keith lowered his
head, inspecting Jasper from under his eyebrows. He didn't speak, just stared hard at
him for a minute then turned to the pup.
“What you doing in here?” he asked it. “They'll have you. Got to be careful” he
whispered in its ear as he picked it up and took it back outside. “This is the place I told
you about. Fierce here.” He tied the dog just outside the door then beamed at me. “It's
the law” he said proudly. I was already piling up chips, a huge pile with two sausages on
top. I knew Jasper wouldn't mind. Keith sloped back to the counter, making his usual
pretence of looking for money in his pockets.
“Is your friend old enough for sausages?” asked Jasper. Keith swung round.
“Not to do with you” he hissed. “None of your beeswax. Dog gone, dog comes. Oh ho yes.
You not so clever. Butt out!” The last was shouted. Jasper raised his eyebrows and Keith
instantly shrunk further into his clothes, face to the floor. Previously I'd have shrunk
back too, hiding quietly behind the counter, hoping he wasn't going to shout at me. Now
I pushed the paper parcel forwards to catch his attention. His smile as he turned to me
was radiant.
“Sausage?” he asked. I nodded.
“I didn't mean to offend you” said Jasper meekly. “It's just that there was a mix-up at the
cash and carry. I've accidentally ended up with some puppy food that's no good to me. I
wondered if you'd like it?” He didn't wait for a reply, went out the back, returning with a
box of tins. Keith scowled suspiciously at the box. Jasper put it on a table and retreated
to his usual corner, picking up a newspaper to hide behind.
Keith untied the dog, carrying it back inside. I didn't object. He showed it the box.
“What do you think? Strong bones, healthy fur. Do we want that?” The puppy whined
and licked his face. “You a baby, what do you know? Good for you, maybe.” He flicked his
eyes from side to side then whispered conspiratorially “We give you sausage too, don't
tell no-one. Wait. I get chariot.” I nearly choked when he darted out and re-appeared
with the buggy that we'd used to transport Duchess. Released onto the floor while Keith
manhandled the box into the buggy, the dog ran to Jasper's feet yapping and whining for
attention.
“Can I stroke her?” asked Jasper politely.
“Not her. Boy dog.” Keith picked him up and pulled his back legs apart to demonstrate.
“See, boy dog” he said proudly. I kept my face calm and bland as Hannah darted behind
the fryer to crouch down with Aaron. I could hear them snorting with suppressed
laughter, Keith didn’t seem to notice.
“What's his name” asked Jasper. Keith cuddled the puppy to him, beaming with love and
pride.
“Kate” he said. The noise from behind the fryer exploded, Jasper's mouth twitched. I hid
my head in my hands, elbows propped on the counter. Keith tied the dog to the handle of
the buggy.
“Come on then Kate” he said. Jasper closed the door after him, his composure breaking
down.
“Well, it's nice to be appreciated” he spluttered at me as Hannah and Aaron erupted from
behind the fryer.
I dreamed I was shivering
Shivering was good, I knew, it's when you stop shivering you start worrying. The
ground was frozen, it pushed the cold up through my clothes as I lay as flat as I could,
hugging my cooling body to the hard unwelcoming surface. Slowly I turned my head,
keeping it as close to the ground as possible, my nose brushing stone as I concentrated
on moving gently and smoothly. Sudden movements make you visible; the icy rock was
my friend, I spread myself onto it, tried to become it. Now I could see another figure
lying motionless like me. Under the tightly drawn hood his eyes met mine, a long look
that anchored us both. I moved my head a bare millimetre, he returned my tiny nod then
inched his head over to look away from me to the man on his other side. The clothes
against my body were wet; the mad dash to this shallow scrape had been a hot scramble.
Now the sweat was cold, an icy layer that encased my skin. I moved my toes gently inside
my boots, trying to keep the blood flowing, afraid they might be numb when it was time
to run again. I knew it was dangerous to stay here too long, motionless, in this
temperature, but to move in daylight would be more dangerous. It wasn't my decision. I
would move when ordered, until then I would hug the ground and concentrate on staying
motionless without tensing and cramping my tired muscles.
The sun was bright enough to hurt my eyes, but it gave no warmth. I could hear
nothing, which was good, but I would have been happier if there were animal noises.
The slither and rustle of other creatures getting on with their lives is very comforting,
you know there's no-one around to disturb them. This sterile environment felt
unnatural, I tried not to let it unnerve me. My neighbour turned to face me. He slowly
moved his arm and I gently pushed my hand out to meet his. His thick gloves tapped a
code onto the back of mine. Moving out. I tapped back once to show I understood then
carefully lifted my head to get my bearings.
We jogged along in single-file, spread out so that if we made contact we couldn't all be
hit at once. I watched the man in front of me, what he did I did. When he stopped I
stopped, if he crouched I crouched. I was thirsty but I left my water bottle bumping on
my hip, I didn't know how far we had to go and I knew how little one bottle carried. At
least the steady movement warmed me, though I knew my inner clothes would stay wet,
there was nowhere for the damp to evaporate to. Once we stopped they would chill
quickly, drawing heat from my body's core.
You're very quiet
I'd pulled the quilt tight round me, up round my face so that, when I first woke, I felt
like I couldn't breathe. Pushing it off, I stretched out of the small ball I'd curled into. Tick
wasn't hurt I reminded myself. He was cold and uncomfortable and worried, but he
wasn't in pain and he wasn't actually frightened. All those months without dreaming of
him, wishing that I could reach out to him, and now that it had happened all it did was
make me fret.
After breakfast I went back up and changed into a long-sleeved top. I had no plans for
the day, I could see what Chloe or Emma were doing, but I felt too listless. Picking up my
book I went into the garden and found the sunniest place. I kept lifting my face to the
sun, concentrating on the warm rays on my skin, but it couldn't shift the cold that started
to creep out from inside me. By lunchtime I was freezing. Mum was wearing a strappy
vest; I knew the cold wasn't of this world, but I really wanted a jumper. I made myself
some hot chocolate and took it upstairs, snuggling under my quilt to drink it. The quilt
didn't warm me, I wasn't surprised.
By late afternoon I was starting to properly worry. I knew from the dream that they
couldn't sustain themselves in that temperature for a long time. I'd also had a chance to
think about why they were there, hiding in inadequate cover. Something must have gone
badly wrong, and now they were on the run. Not knowing where they were, or what
they'd being doing there, I couldn't know what would happen if they were caught. Were
they just hiding because whatever they'd been sent to do was secret, or were they
actually running from people who would kill them if they were found? Every second of
the dream time I'd spent with Tick was picked apart, examined, in a desperate search for
clues.
Suddenly impatient with myself, I kicked off the useless quilt and went downstairs to
find a distraction. I didn't put on a jumper, it wouldn't do any good and it would look odd.
Telling myself fiercely to get my act together I unhunched my cold shoulders and forced
my body to walk loose and casual. This was part of the bond, there was nothing I could
do about it and I'd never wish that we hadn't bonded, so I just had to get on with it. I'd
been offended when Rez and Jasper thought I wouldn't cope, now I had to show that I
could. To be honest, at the beginning, when Tick and I had first bonded, I'd had no idea
what it would be like. Ignorant, it had been easy to be offended; I'd thought only of my
love for Tick, still amazed that he felt the same way. Being bonded was a mixed blessing,
and I'd chosen it all. I would get through the bad by remembering the good.
I went to bed early, exhausted by the heavy ice I carried inside me and the effort of
hiding it. Mum followed me into the hall as I started upstairs.
“Are you alright? You're very quiet.”
“I'm just tired.”
“Are you going down with something?” She examined me as I hunched on the stairs.
“You look cold, do you feel ill?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you want some hot lemon?”
“No, I'll be okay.”
“Get some sleep, that's probably the best thing.”
I dreamed I was huddled into a crowd
Everyone pressed as tight together as possible to conserve heat. Knees pulled up,
arms tucked in we tried to block any chink where the cold air could get in. We were
squashed into the gap between a rocky hillock and some big stones that must have fallen
at some time, making a small cave that we could all just fit into. Behind me I could feel
the sentry pressing against my back, trying to share what little heat we could generate,
his shoulders moving against me as he tried to stop his arms stiffening. I'd done my stint
as sentry, had stared out over the barren icy plain, fighting to stay alert.
“We're here.” I studied the area Rez was pointing to on the scrap of map.
“We're the only thing that is” muttered a voice. Rough laughter, kept quiet, as we all
looked at the plain paper, nothing marked at all for many miles.
“I reckon we chance it.”
“Too risky. If they have got a deonderas we'll still be in range.”
“They can't have, there's no reason for them to have one. How would they even know
what it was or how to use it?”
“And why would they want one?”
“That's the big question isn't it? What's going on over there?”
“No, the big question is how do we get out of here.” More huffs of quiet laughter.
“You're right, the rest can wait. Anyone got any ideas?”
“Even if they have got a deonderas they might not have locked us down. They might only
be using it as a tracker.”
“That's a big might.”
“If we don't send the signal we've had it, may as well walk back in shouting and hollering
here we are, come and get us.”
The sentry was changed, everyone shuffling round to put the man who'd come in into
the centre of the huddle, rubbing his hands and legs for him. He accepted their care
indifferently, his face blank. Rez leaned forward frowning. The hand he waved in front of
the glassy eyes was ignored, he gave him a small shake.
“Han, Han! Look at me.” Han gave him a smile.
“I'm fine” he said. “I'm warming up a treat.” A worried mutter ran round the cave.
“Alright, we send the signal. But not here. We'll rig a remote switcher then take it to,“ he
looked at the map, someone snorted derisively, “yes okay, it's useless. Hang on”. He
wriggled out next to the sentry for a look.
“Right. There's a small heap of rocks about a mile south. I'll take it there, once I'm clear
I'll trigger the beacon. How's the switch coming on?”
“Nearly there.”
“Shouldn't we wait for night?”
He looked carefully at Han. “No, I think we need to try this now.”
How's our boy?
I woke up cold, I ate breakfast cold, but I couldn't hang around doing nothing, I had to
go to work. The chill slowed me down, made all my movements ponderous, sucked my
ability to make decisions. I spent so long dithering over what to wear I had to run the last
bit to the Golden Fry. Even that didn't warm me up. I was going to try my best to act
normal, if that didn't work I'd say I was feeling ill. People usually leave you alone if you're
ill.
I managed to get by, nobody asked if I was alright. Although I'd dreaded coming to
work it actually helped, having something to concentrate on made it easier to push the
cold towards the back of my mind. The shop was busy so the time passed quicker.
Towards the end of my shift Jasper arrived, I took extra care not to absent-mindedly rub
my arms. I knew it was stupid pride, but I didn't want him to see that I was suffering.
When Maureen came in to take over from me, I went to the back office to dump my
apron and pick up my coat and bag. I'd worn my winter coat down, the parents hadn't
been around to see and I didn't care how odd I looked to strangers in the street. Jasper
was on the phone, he gave me an absent wave as I tried to sidle out with my coat behind
my back. He put the phone down and gave me a grin.
”So, how's Kate?”
“Fine.” I was nearly out the door.
“Is that a coat? Are you cold?” The strain of the last couple of days made me overreact.
“Yes, I'm cold” I snapped. “But I'm not making a fuss. I didn't ask for sympathy.”
“Calm down. What's going on?” He shut the door behind me and gave me a serious look.
“You're cold? Is this because Tick's cold?”
“Yes, but I don't mind. I can cope. I'm alright.”
“Of course you can cope. Don't get defensive. No-one doubts your commitment to Tick.”
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. The warmth from them reached me in a
way that nothing else had been able to.
“What are you doing?” I asked. He winked.
“You should have come to me sooner. There's no point in you both suffering, it doesn't
help Tick if you suffer with him.” The heat from his hands was relaxing me, I felt stupid.
“I know. I just don't want to make a fuss.”
Now I was warm I was getting sleepy. Jasper sat me on a chair.
“Stay there, I'll get you a cup of tea.”
“Jasper” I asked as he was bustling off, “what's a deonderas?” He stopped in the doorway
and gave me a hard stare.
“A deonderas? Why do you want to know?”
“Just curious. I heard them talking about it in my dream and I wondered what it was.”
“You must have misheard.”
“No, that was what Rez said. He said if they have a deonderas we'll still be in range.”
“Are you sure?” I nodded.
“Come on then.” He took my hand and pulled me out into the shop. “Kate's not feeling
well,” he told Maureen. “I'm going to take her home.” I scurried after him, dragged along
to his car.
“What's going on? Why are you taking me home?”
“I'm not, we're going to my house. A deonderas is a device that can detect abnormal
activity. It can create a shield that prevents people like me or Tick moving between
worlds. I still don't think that you heard right but we can't ignore the possibility that
they're trapped somewhere.”
“Trapped?” The warmth that Jasper had given me fled from my body, I wrapped my
arms round myself, trying to control the shivering. I didn't know if I was feeling Tick's
cold or my own fear but I couldn't stop the shudders that ran through me.
I followed Jasper upstairs to the big room at the front, in a normal house it would've
been the main bedroom; this room looked like a command centre. Some of the machines
were familiar looking, black boxes with buttons and dials like you'd see in war films, the
rest looked like the equipment of a mad alchemist. There was no differentiation, some of
the weirder glass and metal contraptions were plugged into the homely black boxes, a
trail of cables that looked like they'd come from Maplins looped and threaded round a
huge crystal structure that sat on a low wooden table next to a couple of dirty mugs.
“Don't touch anything” said Jasper unnecessarily. He flipped some switches and turned a
dial on what I guessed might be a radio. Sitting on an empty patch of floor, I watched him
put on a hands-free headset then start pacing up and down as he talked, waited, talked
again. I couldn't follow the conversation; the words I knew were separated by too much
that was unfamiliar. Trapped, I thought. Where? Somewhere uninhabitable, unforgiving.
Somewhere that could kill them. They didn't need an enemy to find them, the land would
finish them off soon. I was so cold my teeth were chattering. Good. If I was cold, he was
still alive. Jasper finished his conversation.
“What now?” I asked.
“We have to wait.”
“Wait? How long?” I fought back tears of frustration, determined to be strong and
capable.
“Ten minutes or so. Gyliam's coming to see you, he's O.C. Officer Commanding” he
explained when I looked blank.
Gyliam didn't look like Tick, Rez and Cy, he was shorter, his face rounder. He give me a
quick nod as he strode in, then he and Jasper went into a huddle. I waited patiently, I'd
decided I wasn't going to be the hysterical girly one that got in the way, I was going to be
the professional one that does everything needed to save her man. The image was
comforting for me, even though the rest of my mind was screaming get a grip Kate, this
isn't a film. I knew it wasn't a film, I could feel the reality in my cold bones, but I needed a
role model to get me through this.
“Kate,” Gyliam shook my hand. “I'm sorry we're meeting in such circumstances. The
situation is this. The patrol sent a message that they'd had to make an evasive transfer,
then they failed to report back at the expected time. That wouldn't of itself set alarm bells
ringing, there's no record of an emergency signal being activated, but we currently only
have your word for it that an attempt was made. They could be delayed for any number
of reasons, and it would be very unlikely that the mission had been compromised to the
extent that you've reported.” He continued before I could speak. “So the first thing to do
is to check your report. Can we go somewhere more comfortable?” he asked Jasper.
Sitting on Jasper's sofa, I let him do his weird hypnotism thing on me. Warm and calm
I told them what I'd seen, how it had felt, what Tick had been thinking.
“Can you describe the map?” asked Gyliam.
“It was just plain white.”
“All over? What about the edges?”
“There was a green smudgy bit in the corner, and some red lines by one of the folds.”
“Which corner?”
“Bottom right.”
“And where were the red lines?”
“I think at the bottom, he wasn't holding it straight.” I put my flat palm in front of me and
sketched on it with my finger. “It was like that, with the folded edges there. Here was the
green and over here, disappearing over the edge, there were red marks, lines and
rectangles maybe, I'm not sure.”
“That's fine Kate. When they were lying in the depression, what could you see?”
“Nothing, just the person next to me.”
“What about when they moved out?”
“Umm, I don't know. It was flat, rocky, there was nothing else, no hills or anything, just
the horizon a long way away.”
“What was the ground like? Was it smooth rock or more broken, was there shale?”
“Smooth mainly, with patches of more sandy pebbly bits. I don't really know, I wasn't
with him for long after they were moving and mainly he watched the man in front.”
“Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you Kate, you've been very helpful.” Jasper waved
a shape with his hand in front of my eyes and the ice fell back through me He saw me
shiver.
“I'll get you something to block that cold” he said.
“No” said Gyliam and I at the same time.
“She's the only link we've got” said Gyliam. “We'll be able to advise the search and rescue
of the expected status.” If I warmed up they'd stop looking for people and start looking
for bodies. I clamped my mouth tight on the threatening sob. I was the capable one, I
would be strong.
When your only contribution is to carry on shivering it's hard to know what to do
with yourself. I followed them back upstairs and sat in a corner out of the way while
Jasper found maps and Gyliam took over the hands-free set. While he was talking he
looked at the map Jasper had spread out, picking up a pen and scribbling marks.
“We'll need a vehicle” he said.
“How?” asked Jasper.
“Don't know yet but if we put the perimeter here,” he drew a large curve on the map,
“that's as close as I'd feel comfortable, so we've got thirty-five, forty minimum. There's no
way we can expect them to do that. So, the way I see it, we come in right over here.” He
jabbed the pen at the map. “It's well into the ice zone, we can slip them in without
drawing any attention. They drive in fast, pick them up, get out again. Then they can
transfer back.”
“Have you got a suitable vehicle? One that's rigged to make the transfer?”
“Still working on that.” He turned to give me a long look. “How are you holding up there?
How's our boy?”
My mouth was stiff and dry, I had to unglue my claggy lips to speak. “Cold and thirsty.”
“Good. Have you got something she can suck?” Jasper rummaged in a draw and tossed
over half a packet of Polos.
Gyliam was shouting into his microphone, waving his hands about as if they could see
him. He kept saying things like “I don't care” and “Then find a way!”, they were the only
bits I understood. Jasper had given me a hot water bottle, I curled as much of myself as
possible around it, even though it made no difference to the cold that simultaneously
numbed and ached throughout my body. I was tired as well now, a heavy dragging
weariness that scared me more than anything else had. My eyes followed Gyliam as he
paced, willing him to make it happen quickly.
Suddenly it was over. Gyliam stopped shouting, Jasper gave me a thumbs up, I tried to
grin back but the effort was too much for me. Gyliam moved back to the map, his voice
now terse and clipped. Everything in his body language gave me hope; he looked like
someone finalising the last details. When he took off the hands-free set he stretched then
turned to me.
“I think we need to have a look, check their situation. Are you up to it?”
“Yes, of course. Whatever you need.” I was the strong one, doing anything for my man.
“Where's best?” he asked Jasper, “back to the sofa? Steady there. Let me give you a
hand.” He caught me as I stumbled up onto numb feet. I started hobbling to the door but
he picked me up and carried me in his arms. It was only when he lay me on the sofa that
I really understood what we were going to do, my brain was fuzzing and numbing along
with my body, my agreement had been automatic.
“Hang on a minute. You want me to dream of Tick right? I don't choose to do it, it just
sometimes happens, I have no control of it. And I don't think I can fall asleep, I'm too
stressed.” Jasper took hold of my wrist as if he was taking my pulse. “I'll do my best” I
said. “But I really can't promise....” Warmth flowed from Jasper's fingers, it ran up my
arm, twisted round my neck then coiled through my brain, softening and dampening my
thoughts with a cloud of lethargy.
I dreamed I was concentrating on my feet
I put one in front of the other, then the back one to the front again. Another step and
then another. Lift the foot, move the leg, place the foot, do it again. Ahead of me, barely
visible in the thick dark, a smudge of shape that I knew was a back, a set of shoulders,
drawing me forward. I kept my eyes on that back, the only thing that mattered was to
follow it. Don't think about anything, don't let anything register, just make sure the
person in front is always the same distance away. Keep a rhythm, keep the pace. In my
right hand was a piece of thin string, it passed from the man in front, through my fist, to
the man behind me. I held it tight, wondering whether to wrap it round my wrist.
I refused to register the cold. It was so sharp against the exposed skin round my eyes,
it had become a physical presence, an endless wall of broken glass that I forced myself
through. But I wouldn't think of it. The man behind me stumbled and I gave the string
two tugs to stop the line. The effort involved in turning my body to check on him was
daunting but I forced my unresponsive feet to move, to break out of the thoughtless one
two rhythm and become part of a self-determining body again. I shuffled round. He was
upright, I thought, but it was hard to be sure in the slight starlight. I chewed at my
cheeks to find enough saliva to speak.
“Nat?”
“Yes. Sorry. I'm...” The rest was muffled by the layers wrapped round his face.
“Move on?” I asked. The string in my hand jerked twice, I passed the signal forward and
we set off again. I had to concentrate to re-find the rhythm, but after a while there was a
small space in my mind for other thoughts. I didn't like them, tried to ignore them.
There was no point wondering how far we'd gone, how far we had to go. There was only
now. Nothing but now, one foot, other foot. And Kate. I swamped the treacherous
weakness with Kate. There was now, and there would be Kate, and nothing else
mattered. All I had to do was keep doing what I was doing and get back to Kate. I
conjured her, her hair, her eyes, and I threw her ahead of me. One step to Kate. Another
step to Kate. I would get to Kate. One step at a time was all I needed. Kate was waiting
and I wouldn't let her down.
So what do you know?
I woke up crying. Embarrassed, I scrubbed my hands over my face. Gyliam gave me
some tissue, his smile was so understanding I nearly started again.
“So, what have we got?” he asked me.
“They're walking. It's dark. That's all.”
“Were there stars?”
“Yes, but I can't remember what they looked like, if that's what you want.”
“Jasper?” Jasper moved his hand in front of me, drawing a shape with his fingers. I
welcomed the warm comfort that always came with this. Gyliam gave me a piece of
paper and a pencil.
“Just draw what you remember” he said.
“It was dark.”
“Never mind. Start with the person in front of Tick. How much could you see of him?” I
drew the beginnings of a fuzzy shape, they both kept quiet and I concentrated on
remembering exactly how much of the figure Tick had been able to see. After a while I
could see the periphery view too, the edges of his sight that he'd been ignoring. If I didn't
think about it too hard I could draw in the sky, the pattern of the stars. When Tick had
turned to check on Nat his head had been up. He'd ignored the sky but under Jasper's
hypnotism I could see what he'd seen even though he hadn't consciously registered it.
I'd started with the figure he was following in the middle of the page, drawing in the stars
that swung round behind them took me off the edge of the paper. Gyliam was ready with
another sheet, I barely noticed as he slid the first one sideways so the next was ready for
my busy pencil.
“Thank you, I can use this.” He took the paper and ran up the stairs two at a time. Jasper
woke me up and I returned to dragging weariness threaded through with dogged
determination.
Back in the control room I watched Gyliam carefully as he kept in contact with the
search and rescue team. None of it meant anything to me, terse sentences filled with
abbreviations. I followed the tone of his voice, the movement of his body, checking for
anything that hinted at a problem. At the same time I crooned a comforting song in my
head for Tick, although he couldn't hear me.
“One step, two steps, one step two steps. Not much longer now. We're coming to get you.
Just keep walking. A little bit farther One step, two steps.” Gyliam removed the handsfree set.
“That's it” he said. “Radio silence. Nothing to do now but wait. They want to have an
emergency meeting” he told Jasper. “I said it would have to be here, that okay?”
“I'll set up next door, should all fit” said Jasper.
Crouching next to me, Gyliam examined my face. “How are we doing?” he asked.
“The same. Cold, thirsty, tired. Hanging on.”
“Good.” He put his hand on my arm, his frown rapidly erased as he saw me register it.
“You're not shivering” he said. I hadn't noticed.
“I'm just as cold. More if anything.”
“Hmmm.” I tried to read his eyes, see how worried he was, how worried I should be, but
he gave nothing away. The door opened and he turned to scowl at the newcomer.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“You know me, I get my nose into everything.”
“Long nose like yours it's hard not to. Did you bring food?” A tower of pizza boxes was
brought round from behind the door with a triumphant grin. Gyliam was smiling back, I
realised the unfriendly welcome was some kind of joke between them.
“How many are you expecting?” Gyliam took the top half of the stack.
“It's seems to be growing exponentially. How is she?”
“Kate this is Russell. He's Intelligence.”
“Nice to meet you, sorry I can't shake.” He wobbled his pizzas to demonstrate his lack of
hands. “I'll take these next door. Will Kate be joining us?”
“I'd prefer to keep her close Why? Are there restriction issues?”
“Shouldn't think so, Jasper vouched for her.”
Jasper put pots of coffee next to the pizzas Russell had left in the middle of the round
table that dominated the room.
“I expect to see you eating” he told me as Gyliam steered me to one of the straight-backed
chairs that fenced the polished wood. I nodded obediently, but my mouth was so dry that
I doubted I could without choking. He poured me some coffee. “To help wash it down” he
said. “Where's your phone?” I pulled it from my pocket, there were four missed calls
from home, I hadn't heard them. “Give it to me, I'll sort it.” He darted off, leaving me
sitting in front of the cup, too tired to bother to pick it up. More people were arriving, a
mixture of face and body shapes that would have fascinated me at any other time. They
helped themselves to drinks and food, talking quietly in small groups, some of them
looked at me curiously but no-one spoke to me. I never heard the front door ring, they
either all had keys or arrived some other way I couldn't imagine. Following a cue I was
unaware of, the individual conversations all stopped and everyone settled round the
table. Russell had their full attention as he started what was obviously a prepared
introduction.
I tried to listen, but I doubt I'd have understood half of it if I'd been on top form.
Exhausted and frozen, I settled for following the shape of the conversation, the tone of
the voices, trying to contextualise the words I did understand. It didn't take me long to
realise that the meeting wasn't really about what had happened to Tick and his unit.
That was just the last in a series of incidents that had been building over the previous six
months. There seemed to be disagreement over what they all meant. The only thing
they all agreed on was that what had been considered by some to be a series of
coincidental anomalies were now proved to be significant and worrying. I could tell they
were all worried, and that none of them really had any idea what was going on or what
to do about it.
“So what have we actually got?” asked one of the women. Russell shook his hand and
threw what looked like a cluster of lights into the middle of the table, people slid pizza
boxes out of the way as they spun, splitting and separating then clumping until they
settled into a pattern of interwoven globes.
“Here,” he put his fingers into the display, pulling a group of globes towards him. They
grew bigger as he used his palm to push at the rest of the display, which shrunk away.
“It's all happening here” he said. “That's our main cause for concern. If it was spread
evenly over the Panactuality it would be something for the scientists, but concentrated as
it is in one sector it gets my nose twitching.”
“So what do you know?”
Russell slumped into a half shrug. “Absolutely nothing. We can't find anything, not a
sniff. If someone's behind this they're good. Very good.”
“To what purpose though?”
“No idea.” Everyone started talking at once. Jasper caught my eye and pushed pizza at
me, I obediently took a slice. The first couple of bites stuck in my throat, I had to chase
them down with big gulps of cold coffee, but they tasted really good, I hadn't realised how
hungry I was. I finished that slice, then another.
Nibbling at the third slice, I watched a woman using her finger to place small red dots
into the display, referring back to papers spread in front of her.
“Most of the incursions are in Nav and Dac12, but we're seeing increased activity in Siri.”
As her finger spun one of the balls to dab marks onto it I realised that the sketchy shapes
were familiar, it looked like our globe.
“Nothing in Poon?” asked someone.
“Nothing so far.”
“Just a deonderas.” The man who spoke stared hard at Russell who shrugged helplessly.
“I have no information. We'll be giving it top priority, but we currently have no idea of
how or why.”
“You didn't know anything about this at all?” Russell didn't seem bothered by the angry
accusation.
“It's possible that all the activity is a distraction” he said. “It may be that the interesting
stuff is all happening in Poon.”
“That's obviously why they call your lot Intelligence. We would never have been able to
work that out for ourselves.” Whatever Russell was going to reply was broken off by the
entrance of another man. Everyone stood up, me later than the rest as I caught on, he'd
waved them casually down again before I'd struggled to my numb feet. He strode quickly
round the table to me, catching my elbow and settling me again.
“How are you?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Cold, tired, thirsty. Hanging on.”
“Hanging on, that's good.” I was surprised by the weight of emotion in his voice. He had
the same lithe body shape as Tick, similar face, but the gold flecks in his eyes were darker.
I looked at his hair, neater than Ticks, with grey threaded through it, but still
recognisably the same.
“Mac?” I asked.
“I'm sorry I should have said. In my hurry I forgot that you hadn't seen me as myself.” He
gave me a long appraising look, a quick rub on my back then, leaving his hand on my
shoulder, he turned to Gyliam.
“What have we got?”
“We sent the unit to Markdon, escorts for one of Russell's lot.”
“Markdon? In Jonty? That's where...”
“That's why we wanted a look” said Russell. “Should have been simple enough, one of my
top men, tight professional unit; in and out no problem.”
Mac turned back to Gyliam. “So what happened.”
“Don't know yet. We received a tight beamed burst, said simply too hot here jumping to
Poon. Nothing since They hadn't been out long enough to ring any alarm bells, and
Poon's as safe as they come.” He ignored the pointed snort across the table. “Then
Jasper gets his story through to command and, well, here we all are.”
While they batted it all back forth again I retreated into myself. Recognising my world,
Siri, had shaken me. Before I'd only worried about Tick. The rest had only interested
me because it affected Tick, if there was danger or uncertainty he would be involved with
it. Now I was fighting the idea that we could all, Mum, Dad, Emm, Chlo, become involved
in it. Mac listened and argued with the rest of them, but I could feel that a small part of
his attention was always on me. If I changed position to get more comfortable, or rubbed
my arms or anything, his eyes would flick to me, then straight back to the business round
the table.
The display in the middle was pretty, my fatigue deadened eyes watched it absently as
the words passed back and forth around me. Then a kick of adrenalin woke me, the
sparkly globes faded, and I was on Poon, dropping flat to the ground, heart hammering,
eyes searching the horizon.
Here goes nothing
There was nothing to see. False alarm Tick hoped, a trick played by tired eyes. They
waited in silence, staring into the dark for sign of anything. The horizon flickered again,
Tick instinctively tried to burrow into the hard ground. A hand tapped his; be ready, he
passed the unnecessary instruction on. In the silence of the night, carried by the slight
breeze, a sound, faint and hard to recognise. Then a bright light ahead of them that
disappeared as soon as he'd seen it. I could feel him running options through in his head,
but they had none. Lie still and hope for the best, that whatever was out there was
nothing to do with them, that it would pass by without noticing them. If discovered, they
would fight, but he had no illusions about the outcome. They were weak, they couldn't
use their main weapons, but I could feel his determination that they would still fight.
Barely breathing he scanned the night.
When the light came again the angle was different, whatever was making it was now
facing them. It flashed then disappeared. The sound was now recognisable as the heavy
grind of a large engine. If it continued on it's current path, it would run right over them.
A muttered message passed down, faces close to ears.
“Move west after the next flash. Drop in thirty seconds. Try to keep together.” The
vehicle flashed. Then flashed again. Tick froze and dropped back down. A further long
flash then two short ones.
“It's one of ours” whispered a voice, too loud.
“”Can't be.”
“Quiet!” Rez's whisper cut through the muttering. They lay flat and silent. Further
grinding of the engine in the dark then, angled slightly to their right, more flashing. Two
flashes, then one long flash and two short. Tick fought hope, it was impossible, they
hadn't been out long enough to be flagged as missing. Much more likely that the code had
been discovered and was being used against them.
Rez muttered “Well here goes nothing.” He used his narrow beamed torch to send the
signal back. There was a long tense silence, the vehicle could be heard grinding back
round. The flashes came again, followed by the code for Please Identify Yourself. Rez sent
back You First. Nothing happened.
The vehicle was moving towards them at speed, they stood, no point in hiding
anymore. Circled back to back, I felt Tick ready himself for whatever was coming. In the
empty darkness the engine was loud, growing louder by the minute. It pushed the night
away, a huge shadow now visibly bearing down on them. In the middle of the front a
small red light blinked on and off. Morse code.
“Stop pissing about Rez, we know it's you. You owe me twenty from the last game so put
your weapons down and let us rescue you so I can get my money and Hab can get back in
time for her date.”
The darkness gave way to sparkling globes, everyone was watching me.
“They've found them” I said. I tried to join in the happy chatter, but added to the cold and
weariness I could now feel his slump of relief. I could barely keep myself on the chair.
Mac swept me up in a huge hug.
“Did you see Rez?” he asked anxiously.
I nodded. “He's fine.” Gyliam had darted back to the command room, Mac helped me to
follow him. He left me standing in the middle of the room, told me not to move. Hurrying
back with an armful of cushions and pillows, he made me a bed in the corner then helped
me down on to it, propped against the wall so I could see what was going on. He covered
me with a blanket.
“It won't make any difference” I said.
“But it makes me feel better.” He sat cross-legged next to me, and we both waited,
keeping out of the way.
The shivering got worse and worse as Tick started to warm up. I hugged myself tight
under the blanket, hoping I didn't look as if I was making a fuss. Mac was following
Gyliam's talk on the radio, he seemed to understand it. I watched him more for
something to attach my eyes to, letting the words slide over me, comforted by his brisk
assurance as he wandered up and down the room.
“Where are they taking them?” Mac asked Jasper.
“Leondara's.” Mac nodded. My hands started to tingle, then throb. I'd instinctively shaken
one hand to help the blood flow back quicker before I realised it wouldn't make any
difference to Tick's hand. The pain grew and grew, then my feet started to tingle. I kept
my hands clamped into my armpits and my mouth clamped closed as Tick's hands and
feet agonisingly regained feeling. Despite my best efforts a small sob escaped. Mac's
eyes were instantly on me.
“What's happening?”
“It's just Tick warming up. I'm fine really.”
“No you're not. Jasper, can you block this? No-one needs it now. She's done more than
enough.”
“Sorry Kate.” Jasper hurried over. “I should have thought of it myself. What's
happening?”
“It's my hands and feet.” I tried to sound calm and practical but I could hear a pathetic
quaver in my voice.
“Do all your fingers hurt?” I nodded. “And all your toes? That's good then, no frostbite.
Here.” He gave me a shiny glass disk. “Look at that” he said as if it was the most
interesting thing he'd seen in ages; I instinctively looked down at my hand. As the
reflected light snagged my eyes he snapped his fingers beside each ear. I looked up
surprised. “There you go.” He took his disk back, tucking it into his pocket as he
returned to Gyliam.
“Oh!” The change was so sudden it made me gasp. The cold and pain didn't fade they
were switched off instantly. I was still exhausted but that was obviously me.
“Jasper?” He looked up from what he was doing. “You will change it back again? Turn it
back on?” They all laughed.
“Don't worry, it only lasts about an hour.” Jasper chuckled as I blushed.
“Right” said Gyliam, taking off the hands-free set. He crouched down in front of me.
“They're all safely back, thanks to you. The report says no significant casualties, so I'm
assuming they won’t be hospitalised long. They'll just need rehydrating and to be
checked over for any other damage caused by the exposure. Couple of days max I'm
thinking.”
Mac stood, shaking Gyliam's hand and clasping his other hand to his arm. “Thank you.”
His smooth voice trembled slightly. Gyliam returned the shake firmly.
“They're saying to schedule the de-brief for Friday” he told Jasper. “You'll be there?”
Jasper nodded.
“This is me off then.” Gyliam gave us a final wave from the doorway then I heard him
hurrying down the stairs.
“Cup of tea?” asked Jasper, rubbing his hands together.
“No thanks, I'm going to go to Leondara's” said Mac, Jasper nodded.
“What about you? Cup of tea?” he asked me.
“She's coming with me.” said Mac. Jasper frowned.
“I can't clear that” he said.
“You don't have to. I'm taking her, they can deal with me if they don't like it.”
“I'm sorry Mac, you know I can't let her go.”
“Never the less I'm taking her.” Mac spoke with quiet authority. Jasper hesitated. “If it
makes you feel better you can say I pulled rank” Mac told him.
“You are pulling rank. You know that this comes under my domain. And I can't let her
go.” Mac ignored him, grabbing my hand and lifting me to my feet. As we left the room
Jasper called after us, but Mac kept on down the stairs.
He took me out of Jasper's back door; somewhere on the way he'd picked up a long
brown cloak without me noticing.
“Right” he said. “Settle down a minute, catch your breath. Ready?” He put the cloak on
then stood close to me, suddenly pulling me tight against him as he swirled the cloak out
and round us both. It covered my head then swung away again. Dizzy, I stumbled away
from him, falling onto warm sand. He was laughing at the look on my face.
“Sorry” he said. I should have warned you, but I've found that a warning doesn't help,
better to just get it over with.”
“Where are we?”
“Leondara's. It's an island in the Indian Ocean. Lovely isn't it? You won't find it on any of
your maps. And here's Leondara.” A short chubby woman with a blue tint to her skin
was crossing the sand, scowling at me.
“You take full responsibility” she told him.
“Of course. Now can we please see your patients.”
“How important are you?” I asked as we followed her to a low building.
He chuckled. “Important enough. I suppose you could say I'm quite important.” He
winked at me.
Tick was in the bed nearest the door, he didn't seem very surprised when his dad
walked in.
“Good to see you” said Mac.
“Good to be here. How did you find out?” Mac stepped sideways, ushering me in front of
him. Tick's eye's widened, I ran the couple of metres to his bed but he still met me half
way, his arms catching me, holding me as I cried.
“Shshh, Shshh” he murmured against my hair. As my tears slowed I became aware how
many people were watching us. I looked shyly round from Tick's shoulder to see his
entire unit grinning at us approvingly. Scarlet, I hid back against his chest.
“Why don't you take Kate for a walk down to the beach?” asked Mac.
We both stretched out on the warm sand, exposing as much of our bodies as possible
to the sun.
“That's good” said Tick. “All that lovely heat beaming down, I can feel it oozing right
through my skin. I could lie here all day.” Eyes shut, he spread his arms out sideways,
when he touched my hand he looped his little finger round mine and we lay quietly
listening to the rush and fall of the waves.
“Is it true you led them to us?” he asked eventually. I half shrugged, half nodded then
realised he couldn't see me.
“Sort of. But it's not as heroic as it sounds. All I did was shiver, Gyliam and the others
did all the work.” I remembered my determination to be the girl that did everything to
get her man back and a snort of ironic laughter escaped.
“What?”
“Nothing, just a random thought.” No way I was sharing that with him. He turned his
head and lifted a questioning eyebrow but I ignored him, closing my eyes and facing the
sun. “It does feel good, doesn't it.”
“Yup. I thought I'd never be warm again.”
“Me too.”
“I'm sorry you suffered with me.”
“Stupid!” I threw sand at him and he cowered dramatically. “You'd still be there now if I
hadn't told Jasper I was cold. How'd you like that? Huh?” My laughter died as I realised
what I'd said, how much random luck had been involved, how close I'd come to losing
him. Picking up more sand I brandished my hand at him, trying to cover my wobble; I
didn't want him to know how scared I'd been. If he noticed he didn't say anything, just
swept his foot round in a huge arc that showered me with sand. His eyes danced as he
watched me trying to shake it out of my hair.
“Huh!” I flopped back down, finding his hand with mine and re-twisting our fingers.
“It was you” he murmured after a long silence. “I knew I had to get back to you. All
that mattered was to see you again.”
“I know. I saw.”
“You were there?” We were both lying still with our eyes closed. I curled my finger
tighter round his. “Oh Kate. I didn't realise. I thought you just felt the cold. Was it it
terrible? I'm so sorry, I would never have wanted to put you through that.”
“I'm glad I was there” I said. I felt him go to speak but I gave his hand the tiniest shake to
shut him up. My eyes closed, I spoke to the sky. “It was so...I don't know, I can't find the
words. I felt what you felt. What you felt about me. People say things, they say I love you.
But I felt it, experienced it first-hand. It was worth everything for that.”
He sat up to look at me. “All day, everyday” he said. “Like that. Not just when I think I
might die.”
“Me too, I wish I could show you.”
He laughed as he pulled me to him. “Promise me you'll never get into a situation like
that. I'll take your word for it, please don't try to show me.”
EPILOGUE
Trissa raced along the white corridor, raising both hands to slam them against double
doors. The heavy doors swung away, crashing back behind her as she ran on. A pair of
men in plain dark clothes stood impassively in front of the next set; as they recognised
her they moved aside, holding the doors open for her with outstretched arms. She
carried on through without acknowledging them. The space opened into a waiting room,
she slowed, gasping. To her right, halfway down another hall, a further dark-clothed man
stood silently in front of a door. She hurried to him, but when she arrived he didn't move
aside.
“I'm sorry Arrin, I've been told no-one can enter.”
She fought for enough breath to speak. “They didn't mean me.”
“I'm sorry Arrin.” He was polite, solid, unmoving.
“You have to let me in there!” Her voice rose hysterically. “Can't you see how ridiculous
this is. You know who I am. Let me in!” Fighting the urge to drum her hands against his
chest she shouted. “I demand that you move out of my way.”
His face blank, he simple repeated “I'm sorry Arrin, I've been told no-one can enter.” A
woman in a white uniform rushed to them. She put a restraining hand on Trissa, who
turned on her shrieking. The woman didn't flinch, she put her other hand on Trissa's
other arm and spoke calmly.
“We can't let anyone in my dear, until we know what's wrong with him. It might be
contagious.”
“I don't care” sobbed Trissa.
“I know, but hospital protocol can't be broken. The test results will be back soon. As
soon as we know it won't endanger any of our other patients, or you, you can see him.”
She took the unresisting girl in her arms and waited patiently until she'd cried herself
out. “Come with me” she said. “I'll see if the doctor can talk to you.”
“I don't understand” said Trissa. “How can he be so ill so quickly? I saw him at
breakfast. He said he thought he was catching a cold. What happened?”
“At the moment, we're not sure ourselves.” The doctor tried to smile reassuringly. “As
soon as the results come back we'll know what we're dealing with. Once we know how
to treat him he'll improve rapidly, please try not to worry.”
“When can I see him?”
“You can go in now. I'll get them to sort you out.”
Trissa rustled back down the hall in her paper coveralls. She didn't look directly at the
man on the door.
“I'm sorry about before.”
“No problem.” He turned the handle and, with a smart nod, ushered them into a small
outer room of eye-wateringly shiny cleanliness. The nurse helped her tie on her face
mask then opened the inner door. Trissa hesitated, afraid of what she might see, then the
nurse guided her in. Her father looked so small in the bed her eyes refused to recognise
him. He was asleep, boxed around by electronics that, blinking and beeping, showed
more life than the body they monitored. The nurse pulled a hard metal chair next to his
head; Trissa stood unmoving until she was patted and pushed onto it. She sat hunched
in on herself, hands clasped between her knees.
“The bell's here in case you want anything.” Trissa nodded. “I think he's waking up. I'll
leave you to it.”
He opened his eyes and smiled at her, Trissa made herself smile back then realised he
wouldn't see it under the face mask. She tried for a more genuine smile, one that would
show in her eyes as well.
“What on earth have they got you wearing? You look like you're about to operate on me.”
He sounded like he always did, Trissa could feel the skin round her eyes relaxing, she
smiled again more confidently.
“Do you like it?” She flapped her arm, making it rustle.
“Load of fuss over nothing.” He pulled himself up in the bed. “Can you give me a hand
here?” She jumped up and moved the pillows, standing them up against the bed-head so
that he could sit against them. “Is there anything to drink?” She found a jug of water and
a plastic cup.
“How do you feel?”
“Fine, I'm fine. They're all overreacting as usual.”
“What happened?”
“I just fell over. You'd think a man could trip in his own bedroom without the entire
medical establishment going into overdrive.” She looked at his pale face, saw how he
concentrated on holding the cup. She appreciated him trying to reassure her, wanted to
believe him.
“What do the doctors say?” she asked.
“Nothing yet, I was hoping you'd spoken to them.”
“All they told me was wait for the results. What did they say when they brought you in?”
His eyes slid from her face. “I can't remember, it's slightly hazy.”
“Not just a trip then?” He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it then keeping it in
his on the blanket.
“Don't worry” he said firmly. “I've just caught a virus or something. I'll probably be
better before they've worked out what's wrong with me. All this,” he waved their joined
hands at the busy machines, “it's people covering their backs. Don't let it upset you.”
The door opened and a figure entered, the eyes and forehead of a young man just
visible between hat and mask.
“Good morning. I'm Doctor Freeman. How are you now?” He picked up a clipboard and
read the papers on it, flipping back and forward between them.
“I feel much better. When can I go home?”
“Not yet I'm afraid.” He moved to the machines; examining readouts, tapping buttons and
writing on his clipboard. “Right then, let's have a look at you.” With a wink at Trissa he
produced a flash-light from his pocket and shone it into her father's eyes, moving it back
and forth from one to the other. “Open your mouth.” He peered inside.
“Do you know what I like about being in hospital?” Trissa's father asked as he was tipped
forward so that the doctor could listen to his back. “It's the only place where people
aren't polite to me, they just push me around like they would anyone else. It's very
refreshing.” Trissa saw the horrified realisation in the young man's eyes. Desperately
trying not to laugh she wished she'd winked back at him.
“Excuse me Sire, I need to take some blood.”
“There we go. I should have kept my mouth shut.” The arm he held out was taken
tentatively. He pulled the mock ferocious face he used to use on Trissa when they were
playing.
“Terrifying” she laughed. “No wonder he's afraid of you. I thought you were already
doing blood tests?”
“We need to do some more.”
“What for?”
“I'm sorry, I just take the blood. You need to talk to someone more superior.”
“You shouldn't tease them” said Trissa as the door shut.
He yawned. “Not much else to do stuck in here.”
“He was only young. You should have seen his face.”
“I can't see anyone's face. You're all hidden behind those stupid masks.” He yawned
again.
“Lie down, you're tired.” She started moving the pillows back flat, not giving him time to
argue.
“I think it's all the blood they keep taking.” He settled down and his eyes shut. With an
effort he pulled them open and looked at her.
“Go to sleep if you want to, don't worry about me.” She watched him lose the battle to
keep his eyes open then sat watching him sleep, wondering if he really was looking a bit
better than when she'd arrived or if it was just her desperate imagination.
He didn't wake up again, she kept her vigil in the hard chair. From time to time a
nurse would appear and check him over, then disappear again. One time they put a hot
drink in her hand. Another time she asked if she could talk to the doctor but was told
there was no point, they were all waiting for the latest batch of tests to come back. The
machines blipped hypnotically while she sat. It was only the machines that reassured
her that he was still alive, he was so still under the blanket, she wished he'd occasionally
snore or something. Sometimes she thought about what they'd do when it was time to
go home. Other times she was sure he was dying. When she thought that, a small part of
her rose up to shout it wasn't fair. He couldn't die; she wasn't ready. Being Arrin was
hard enough, she couldn't be Regent. She thought of the council chamber, imagined
everyone sitting there waiting for her to tell them what to do. It was impossible, he had
to get better. She remembered sitting on the grass in Hubert's Garden. The Arrin
shouldn't indulge herself the way she had; the Regent couldn't. Could she give him up?
Not now, she thought, not yet. She wouldn't have to; Father was just sick, he wasn't
dying. She focused on the regular beeping and blinking, he was strong, he was alive. One
of the boxes suddenly flashed bright red lights at her. The noises all changed at once.
Over the alarms she could hear the commotion in the outer room as many bodies hurried
into protective clothing. He opened his eyes and looked at her.
“I'm so sorry” he said as plastic gloved hands pulled her up and out of the way.
She wanted to fight them, to stay by his side.
“Let them do their job, let them help him” said a quiet voice at her shoulder and she
meekly allowed them to lead her away, standing dully while they stripped off the paper
suit, the stupid overshoes, before they took her out past the guard to a gloomy waiting
room. She wanted to cry, but there was no chance; the room was full of important
people. Standing in the doorway under the pressure of their expectant faces she
considered running. She couldn't go in there, they couldn't make her. She shook her
head.
“No.” She hadn't meant to speak. The nurse who'd brought her here stepped in front of
her.
“The Regent has had a relapse. Everyone is doing everything they can. We don't know
anything else at the moment.” She guided Trissa to a chair and left her there. Trissa kept
her face to the floor, pretending they weren't there. No-one approached her, they moved
to the other side of the room and spoke in quiet voices.
When the doctor came, she knew from his face before he started speaking. Trissa
couldn't hear what he was saying. She tried to concentrate on his mouth, his lips, but her
ears wouldn't work, wouldn't let his words in. Around her people gasped, sagged onto
seats, some cried, but she sat in a silent stillness, her face as blank as her mind.
Eventually someone stood her up, guided her towards the door. There was a rubbish
bin in the corridor, as she passed it she took a small metal charm from her pocket and
threw it away.