Issue 2 layout

Friday
17.01.06
No. 2
TheBrick
Robinson’s best-selling quality fornightishly
There’s a rat in
the kitchen
What are we going
to do?
Bottom of staircases
A to E apparently
affected by vermin
Described as ‘of
disproportionate
stature’
Andy Nowacki
Giant rodent reporter
According to College officials, and
to the President and Vice-President
of the RCSA, Robinson is being infested with rats. It is reported that
students’ habit of leaving their
staircase kitchens in a ‘dirty’ state
with morsels of food on the floor is
attracting an eager rodent population into the college building.
However, in a recent development to the long-standing problem
it seems that the animals are now
growing to a great size, posing a
threat to the human population
upon which they rely.
Full story, page 2
A photo submiteed by an anonymous reader. It is unclear which kitchen is depicted
Further rat reporting Page 2 | Monkey v Robot Page 3 | Unary Sudoku Page 7
2
| TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006
Giant rats moving in to ’Binson
Andy Nowacki
Chief scaremongering
correspondent
Rats are, in the words of Sarah
Carmen, ‘everywhere’.
“There’s
millions of rats all over the place in
Robinson. They come into the
staircases when people leave the
bottom doors open,” said the
RCSA Vice-President.
Vicky Jenkins, President of the
RCSA, agrees. “Yeah, they’re all
over the place. It’s been a problem
for ages. Didn’t you read the email I sent out last term? You’re
supposed to be editing the newsletter thing, aren’t you?” she told this
publication.
However, in a twist to the
long-standing problem of rodent
infestation at Robinson, new eyewitness evidence suggests that the
rats at College have grown to epic
proportions.
Despite last term’s warning
from the authorities at Robinson,
circulated by the RCSA President
to the undergraduate population via
e-mail, that leaving staircase kitchens in an unclean state may be attracting rodents into the main
buildings, it seems that the
number—and size—of rodents is
still on the increase.
The Brick can today exclusively
publish photographic evidence that
giant rats have moved into College
accomodation, and all indications
are that they intend to stay.
The photographs are from a
source who wishes to remain
anonymous (in true Brick tradition)
for fear of reprisals from the filthy
vermin. “If it gets out that I’m the
one who ratted on them, so to
speak, then I’ll be subjected to endless nights of scratching in the insulation space next to my bed,” he
said.
The eyewitness told this reporter: “I just walked into my
kitchen to get breakfast this morning, and there it was, standing there
as bold as you like, looking me right
in the eye,” the eyewitness told this
reporter. “It only dawned on me
after a few seconds that not only
was this beast about four feet tall,
but had been eating my porridge.
And I could tell from the look in its
eye that it wasn’t even going to
wash up the pan of mine it had just
used. That’s what really pissed me
off.
“It was pretty scary, I can tell
you.”
Readers are warned to stay
alert and report any sightings of the
giant rats immediately. They are
advised not to attempt to tackle
any of the enlarged rodents, as
that’s techincally the Porters’ rôle,
and we’d be doing them out of a
job.
Rats may ‘take over
students’ place’
A close shave
A senior college source told a Brick
reporter minutes before the newspaper’s printing deadline that the
giant rats discovered in College may
well one day ‘take over the mantle
of
the
Cambridge students
themselves.’
Dr Richard Madeup, Senior
Professor of Sheer Conjecture and
Flagrant Whoring to the Media at
Robinson, said that all available
evidence so far pointed to the rodents having a superior intellect to
their human neighbours.
“Let’s look at what these rats
have been up to,” explained Prof
Madeup. “So far, none has been
found drunk or incapable in a corridor; they always remain in control
of their bodily functions. None has
woken up the next day to regret an
amorous encounter with another
’Binson’s own agony aunt, Jacob
Bard-Rosenberg, has sold his hair
on eBay for the sum of £13.50, all
of which was donated to Cambridge RAG. You can see the
process at tinyurl.com/c49b7
With the ‘Jewfro’ gone, what
other ’Binson landmarks could be
auctioned for charity, The Brick
wonders?
rat; they have a very strong sense of
dignity.
“But far more important than
this,” he continued, “is the incredible way they have been changing
our behaviour ready for their takeover as the intellectual elite. For
example, ‘cheese’ is not a recognised or enjoyed musical form outside of university life.
“Another important point is
that students are esentially seen as
vermin by the University authorities, in any case, and because rats
cannot hold an EU passport, they
can all be charged international
fees, so will be a lot more profitable
than UK and European students.”
Prof Madeup pointed out that
not only did he not exist, but that
almost the whole newsletter was
fictitious, and not serious at all.
Internet auction of barnet
raises money for RAG
• Juliette Mullin’s long hair?
• Rachel Black’s red hair ?
• Ajay Mistry’s sideburns?
• Jacob Levy’s outrageous dress
sense?
• Rob Cork’s pool cue?
• Stefan Fraczek’s picture of
Margaret Thatcher?
• Mike Buck’s ridiculous pretend
foreign accent?
TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006 |
3
TheBrick Survey
Definitive: Monkey wins,
robot defeated says poll
Andy Nowacki
Man in white coat
A recent survey, carried out in the
head of The Brick editor, has provided the definitive answer to an
age-old philosophical question, ruminated over by Plato, Socrates,
Erasmus and Bertrand Russell:
who’d win out of the monkey or
the robot?
According to the poll, almost
70% of people think that the monkey would come out triumphant, all
things considered, while under an
eighth sided with artificial intelligence. About a fifth of respondents, however, were either undecided or had no opinion. The two
categories
were
intentionally
lumped together in order to piss off
people who, rather than not caring,
had instead spent much time debating the subject, only to come to no
firm decision.
The research suggests that, as
feared, public apathy on the subject
is on the increase, up from 11% a
decade ago.
Experts on the
monkey-robot paradox are worried
that a lack of schooling on the ar-
guments in the recent past has led
to a relegation of the debate to
‘pointless speculation’.
“We cannot allow this serious,
important hypothetical issue to
simply slip out of the public consciousness,” said one lecturer in artificial simian intelligence at a British university. “Since the 1950s,
less and less attention has been paid
to the monkey-robot problem in
the classroom, and this needs to be
rectified as soon as possible. Just
taking a postmodern, somewhat nihilistic viewpoint and saying ‘we’ll
never know, so why bother asking’
is not a healthy way to go about
things.”
The monkey-or-robot debate
has long been a feature of philosophical dialogue worldwide, but
only became the subject of very detailed analysis after Isaac Asimov’s
contribution to the discussion,
namely his invention of the modern
concept of the android. Before
this, Greek scholars used the example of an Archimedes screw as a
mechanical competior to the apes,
explaining the monkey’s traditional
dominance in the eyes of many.
Robot
12%
Monkey
69%
Should the TV be
moved? Your chance
to have your say
The emotive topic of whether or
not to free the TV from its own
room and let it loose in the JCR has
plagued the brains of the RCSA for
years, if not decades, yet a poll of
all those affected by the issue has
never (I assume, but hey, this is
journalism) been undertaken.
Now, you have your chance to
make your opinion count. You can
vote either for or against the idea
to move the television into the
Junior common Room, as well as
actively showing your indifference
to the subject.
To vote in the poll, send an
email
to
The
Brick
at
[email protected] with the relevant
subject header, as shown below. If
you have a particular point you'd
like to see printed, include this in
the body of the email, though I do
not guarantee to read them all.
To vote FOR the
proposal, use the subject
BRICK YES;
To vote AGAINST the
proposal, use the subject
BRICK NO;
Monkey v Robot
The Results
Don’t know/
undecided
19%
TV in JCR?
1,001 people were
telephoned on 15
and 16 January and
asked: “Monkey or
robot: who wins?”
Results were
weighted to reflect
the overall population of the UK and
any crown dependencies that were
relevant.
To vote UNDECIDED/ INDIFFERENT, use the
subject
BRICK DUNNO.
The results will be published in the
next issue.
Video killed the JCR
TV OK
Comment, page 5
4
| TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006
Science
Advances in relationship mapping
What an intricate web we weave
A leading team of nosey journalists
at Cambridge University have made
a breakthrough in the long-standing
project to map the human keenome, a task which many hope will
provide a boon to humanity over
the coming century.
Using advanced supercomputers, the group based at Robinson
College have been able to deduce a
key part of the keenome, which describes who’s been doing what with
whom.
The first results, published exclusively in The Brick today, represent the initial stage in analysing the
whole set of connections, described
by reseachers as a ‘web’, that maintain a healthy balance in university
life between never speaking to each
other and a return to the
consequence-free attitudes of the
1960s.
“We decided that, as one of
the most complex units in the
wider keenome, Robinson was the
best place to start,” said the leader
of the team. “This college is such a
den of iniquity, we knew that if the
computer could process all the connections between people here, it
can handle anything else we throw
at it.”
Supporters of the project,
which receives indirect funding
from the RCSA, believe that human
keenomics will have profound
benefits in battling mild infectious
disease. Using the web, it is easy to
trace the spread of cooties or cold
sores and isolate those potentially at
risk from further infection.
Opponents dispute the accuraccy of the web, and claim that
any attempt to pin down the connections at any one time is sufficient to alter them irrevocably. A
bit like quantum physics.
The Robinson College Web of ‘Friendship’
‘A bit like quantum physics’
Rocky
Rhiannon
Drew
Tam
Carl
Dal
Adam
Leo
Ameila
Rob
Mike
Vinnie
Jack
Rupa
Sara
Vicky
Vicky
Ali
Jacob
Mark
Count
Sophie
Katie
Tim
Sarah
Stu
Joanne
Anna
Will
Tanya
Claire
Ryan
Rhiannon
Richard
Sam
Vicki
James
Russ
Jo
Esme
Rich
Matt
Rob
Alex
Lauren
Matt
Ceri
Tim
Jen
Megan
Domenica
Dave
Dave
Juliette
Megan
Ed
Charlie
Sam
Ally
Rachel
Arti
Sarah
Spartacus
Ewan
Jacob
TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006 |
Comment & Opinion
Leading Article TV
“Another year over/A new one just
begun,” sang John Lennon. And
you know what, that’ll ring true for
a long time yet; and will do so
twice a year for those in academia.
So it is without much surprise
that we find ourselves, as students,
surrounded by change and left with
a whole number of extra problems,
not least remembering to write ‘06’
on cheques.
The Brick has taken the opportunity to tweak the format, and
now comprises two whole bits of
A4 paper, folded in half, with writing on all of it. Invaluable? Waste
of time? Let me know how you
feel.
This issue carries an exclusive
look at the work of a crack team of
dedicated researchers who have just
published their representation of
osculation within College. Whilst
this does have important implications, remember: it’s just a bit of
fun, and definitely not accurate to
any great degree. Don’t assume
what you read in the papers is true!
We also have a poll on
whether you’d like to move the
telly into the JCR. This is one of
those ones that just keeps on running. I mean, no-one ever goes into
the TV room because it’s too much
hassle, and perhaps it would make
the JCR a bit more lively. But isn’t
it nice to have a quiet place to read
the papers without the interruption? And don’t forget that it
might take business away from the
bar…
Don’t forget to submit comments and material for publication.
It’s your Brick, after all. I just edit
it.
Email: [email protected]
The Brick is produced in Robinson
College and is an independent student publication.
5
OK
Let’s just put the bleeder
where it should’ve always been
Carl
Marincowitz
The voice
of reason
What? What are you talking about?
Move the TV into the JCR? Your
mum should be moved into the
JCR! Your c**t should be moved
into the JCR! C**T! C**T! That's
a brilliant word... C**T!
C**tworm is even better you bunch
of c**ts.
© 2006 C. Marincowitz
Video killed
the JCR
Why ruin a lovely space with
mindless drivel?
Ed Coward
A NatSci’s
view
It’s a touchy subject, this one.
Touchy and leaden with the weight
of years of heavy thought. So what
can I bring to the debate?
Well, I for one would much
rather we leave the JCR well alone.
There’s nowhere else in College to
read the papers in peace, or play a
game of pool from 7 in the morning
until midnight, and that should remain our chief concern throughout
Editor’s note:
The views expressed in the Comment section are the opinion of the respective authors and do not reflect the position of the publication as a whole. No
respnsibility is taken for Carl, especially
if he’s wasted.
all of this.
Arguments can be made for
moving the telly—it’s inaccessible;
you can watch things that aren’t on
in the bar and when it’s not open;
it’ll be better for communal experiences, like the Olympics—but they
can be rebuffed just as easily—
there’s a number-pad on the door
now; the bar has a TV and the big
screen; most shared events are on
during the day or out of term time.
There’s not a weekday goes by
that I don’t have my fill of Richard
and Judy, but I wouldn’t for one
minute suppose that it was fair to
impose this sort of specialist, ‘niche’
viewing taste on other people who
are using what is a shared space. I
only have the right to enjoy television as long as I do not cause others
undue suffering, and we can all
agree that watching ‘Desperate
Housewives’ is exactly that.
Anyway, shouldn’t we be
working?
6
| TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006
Dear Jacob…
SEPARATED AT BIRTH
Anna Milasin
The issue-ly round-up of who’s apparently
related to whom at ’Binson…
J Levy
Russ Tannahill
Rudolph
Upon his arrival at ’Binson, Russ (right) was confused to be labelled
‘Mini-J’, but here is proof, if proof were needed, that the two are in
fact post-op conjoined twins. They are believed to have shared a
tongue, with Russ receiving the larger portion due to complications in
the seven-hour surgery.
Asnac Russ is known for his outrageous clothing and behaviour,
whilst history student J is considered a ‘man’s man’, enjoying team
sports and auto mechanics.
Father Christmas
Warden
With the Warden taking holdays over the Christmas vacation, it
seems curiously convenient that the two are never seen together.
The Brick conjectures that the Warden David Yates and Santa Claus
are in reality one and the same. That shocked you!
We began to suspect when we heard that there was a lot of pro
bono corporate law being practised at the North Pole.
’Binson’s own Marxist
answers your relationship
quandaries
• Dear Jacob,
I am a student at Robinson
and I really fancy a girl in my year.
She’s so beautiful, funny and
clever that I'm sure she’d never
want to go out with me. How
can I become more confidant so
that she'll like me? We get on
well, but I know there’s no romantic feelings on her part right
now. —AN
Jacob replies: Well get confident,
you little wiener! God, no wonder she’d
rather drink her own piss than talk to
you with your incessant whining. Get a
life or have a f**king w**k. Comrade.
• Dear Jacob,
I am a communist in my second year at Robinson, and each
day I feel worse and worse about
society’s inept struggle to accept
that socialism can lead to a better
world for all (except all the
upper-class rich bastards, of
course, and religious people who
can f**k off and die). How can I
explain to everyone that they’re
going to hell in a handbasket, so
to speak, unless they change their
ways? Let’s look to Cuba, where
watching the Buena Vista Social
Club makes me believe that life
under socialism is practically
utopic (not to mention sexy).
I am also looking to find
someone else out there who's interested in Marxist aesthetics in
20th-century music, christian baiting, and hair.
—JBR
Jacob replies: I sympathise with your
situation.
TheBrick | Thursday 19 January 2006 |
7
Follow-up
What we learned from the last issue
Freshers’ ‘Gate-Aid’ drive
After last term’s inaugural issue of
The Brick highlighted the problem
of gate abuse, freshers at Robinson
have recorded a charity record to
raise funds to help the gate in College that recently fell victim to one
of Cambridge’s biggest underground
problems.
First-year oriental studies-ist
and Co-RCSA Catering and Amenities Officer Chris Land came up
with the idea of making a single after reading about one individual’s
fight against the inner demon of
gate abuse. “When I became aware
of one of Robinson’ biggest threats
to its harmony and, indeed, structural integrity, I was frankly
shocked. That gates all over the
University should be subjected to
such terrible onslaughts is an unacceptable situation, and one which I
think needed to be brought to the
attention of as wide an audience as
possible.”
Fellow Catering and Amenities
officer Peter Thompson was also
present at the idea’s inception. “It
made so much sense to us that
making a record was the way forward. I don't really have anything
else to do at Cambridge because I
do Land Economy, so I took time
out from my tractor maintenance
lectures to persuade the bright
lights of the first-year scene to give
their time, and get a great record
out there for people to buy.”
Several times throughout our
meeting, Thompson slammed his
fists onto the desk, yelling: “Just
give us your f**king money NOW!”
The single, entitled ‘The Gate’
features the line ‘All in all you're
just another/Head in the gate’ in
direct reference to events raised
by The Brick last time. “We didn't
shirk from being brutal when it
was called for,” said Land. “If
Bono and Bob Geldof could do it,
so can we. It matters so much
that we do everything for innocent gates everywhere.”
James Gordon
Charity record released to
highlight problems of gate
abuse at Robinson
The cover of ‘The Gate’, the new charity single which can be
bought in local record shops and downloaded from iTunes. The
students recorded the song to make sure the gate (pictured)
never again need receive the sort of punishment meted out to it
last term at the hands of an unidentified assailant. Shown caring
for the newly-restored gate are (clockwise from top left): Chris
Land, Dave Bosworth, Peter Thompson,Ed Cairns, Russ Tannahil,
Salaj Masand and Richard Thompson.
Puzzler
Unary Sudoku
Rating: Fiendish
The Brick Book of Unary Sudoku, Volume 3 is available at all good bookshops priced £14.
Fill each row, column and box demarcated by
thick lines with every number from 1 to 1.
For today’s solution call: 0898 999 1234
It is also available online at
www.thebrick.com/sudoku/getalife/
Sport
Fixtures and Tables
Men’s Football
CUAFC League Division
Pld
St. Catz II
5
Cauis II
4
Long Road II
5
ARU
4
King’s
3
Corpus
5
Clare
4
Fitzwilliam II
4
Queens’
5
Robinson I
5
3
Pts
13
10
9
9
7
4
3
3
3
1
CUAFC League Division
Pld
ARU III
5
King’s II
4
CCCC
5
Darwin II
5
Robinson II
4
Homerton II
3
Christ’s II
4
Jesus III
3
Magdalene II
5
Queens’
4
6
Pts
10
10
9
8
7
6
6
3
1
0
Women’s Football
CUAFC League Division 4
Clerical Medicals
Sidney II
St. Edmund’s
Ftizwilliam II
Robinson/Selwyn
Tit Hall II
Pld
3
2
3
3
2
3
Pts
6
4
4
3
3
3
Clare
Jesus
Sidney
Downing
Fitzwilliam
Robinson
Corpus
Pld
5
5
5
6
4
6
7
Pts
6
5
4
2
2
1
1
Men’s Rugby
Wed 25/01 v Emma (home)
Pool B
Fitzwilliam
Tit Hall
Churchill
Peterhouse
Sidney Sussex
Emma
Robinson
Pld
8
6
7
6
6
7
6
Pts
29
21
17
16
11
9
8
Thu 26/01 v Churchill (away)
Men’s Hockey
League Division 1
Pld
Emma
6
St. Catz
4
St. John’s
4
Cam. City Midweek XI 6
Caius
6
Pts
10
8
8
8
7
Women’s Hockey
League Division 3
Sidney Sussex
Magdalene
Christ’s
Fitzwiliiam
Robinson
St. Catz II
Clare
Jesus II
Pld
4
3
3
3
3
4
5
3
Pts
12
9
6
6
4
3
1
0
Wed 01/02 v Magdalene (away)
(Phew! I really want someone to help
out with this. But if no-one wants it,
then it’s going!)
The Condensed View
Reducing the movies to three panes of pleasure
Each issue, The Brick shrinks one of Hollywood’s finest creations into a small but perfectly-formed packet
of cartoon action to save you the time and money of actually going to the cinema.
This time: Brokeback Mountain by Ang Lee, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger