“In the sacred words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, `baby got back`...” Monday 13

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The
“In the sacred words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, ‘baby got back’...”
Land Economy T O D A Y
The undisputed nob of the year,
James Pacey, can rightfully claim to
have had a tough summer. After enduring a week in Prague, he then succeeded in overthrowing the Thai PM,
with the help of fellow land economist R.T. Lawther. He’s sorry about
the bus full of monks though.
However, if you think that was
hardcore, Pacey returns this term to
be greeted by a taxing reading list, of
which the man himself says “it’ll be
okay: I read a book once”.
One source (James Pacey) stated that, amongst others, books on the
Word Wide Web: Pacey starts chipping away at his reading list. list included ‘Jodie Marsh: Keeping It
Real’ and ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’.
“In other news...”
a round-up of the rest of today’s College news
- After the phenomenal success of his Pulitzer Prize nominated debut, ‘Some
Might Tse’, Robinson’s own Daniel Tse releases his next novel, ‘Tse It Ain’t So’.
This installment follows the heartbreaking tale of Little Jimmy Tompkins who
embarks on an adventure to rid the world of STIs by playing Marvin Gaye’s
‘Sexual Healing’ on his magical ghettoblaster.
- R&B star Ne-Yo is rumoured to be coming to Cambridge. It is thought he
is to study SPS, presumably to prove that he is ‘so sick’ at analysing political
ideoligies.
- Tom Blott releases his new EP, ‘Boxfresh’, at the end of the month. It will
include the hit singles ‘Heads Are Gonna Roll’ and ‘Get Your Swell On’, as well
as a bonus track duet with Heather Small from M People, ‘Snackin’ On Eggs.’
- This publication received 139 separate e-mails about the early morning fire
alarm last Wednesday morning. 138 were made into origami swans, with the
other being used as an emergency substitute for toilet roll. You can’t beat a
good bit of rough paper scraping up and down your crack.
- Numerous complaints have been received that Newsletter Editor Barnaby
Mollett has not spent enough time during his term writing about people ,
things and events of which he knows nothing about. He would like to apologise unreservedly (‘I’ve been such a cock muncher!’) and extend his thanks and
middle finger to these most helpful of contributors.
Last Word: Barnesian (adj); one defined by having an unnatural love for fire drills and top hats.
The
The
Monday
13/10/08
Vol. 3 No. 2
Brick
“A Brick Too Far...”
An oven one bites
the dust
(... baker dozen know what’s going on)
Barnaby Mollett
Don’t Cook Back In Anger
In the trusty words of Girls
Aloud, “it’s been a long, hot summer”. I’m sure everyone has enjoyed
the freedoms that this wasp-wielding
season brings; melting 99 flakes, feeble
attempts to catch the rays and men
wandering children infested beaches
wearing illegally tight Speedos.
However, it seems that whilst
these freedoms were being enjoyed,
others were being taken away. Never
cited as ‘man’s best friend’, the humble oven, described by flawless truthprophet Wikipedia as “an enclosed
compartment for heating, baking or
drying”, will be one previously treasured feature missing from your Robinson life. The other will be computer guy Tom Leng, who, it is believed,
is currently touring with his band,
Anne Bo-Leng and the Pissed Angry
Tudors, reaching the giddy heights of
the bagpipe nu-trance tour circuit.
One popular rumour regarding
the oven’s disappearance is that they
were removed for health and safety
purposes. Die hard oven fans blame
Tom Grimble for setting fire to a
pan in M Staircase kitchen, though
Mr. Grimble denies any
wrong doing, responding “I like my burgers
well done”. Although
the official reasoning
for the current ‘Ou est Cooked its goose: The ovens will bake no more.
mon oven?’ situation is
that it is a result of the kitchens be- inson’s Carers of Ovens, Cooking
ing too small to legally accommodate and Kitchens (COCK). The album
ovens, some have suggested that it is will include a Mark Ronson version
a conspiracy theory by Garden Res- of a Justin Timberlake classic ‘Fry Me
taurant maestro Nick Milne in an A River’ sung by Sir Jimmy Saville.
attempt to sell more meals. Though
no official conspiracy accusation
What’s bad news for nearly evehas been made, the appearance of ryone is good news for ‘Chompers’,
the dish ‘Oven-roasted chicken with the burger van parked just up Grange
oven-cooked vegetables and oven Road, a place which at-least-one-time
chips’ on the Garden Restaurant din- user Scott Bolingbroke describes as
ner menu has raised suspicions.
‘Heaven on Earth’. If fast food isn’t
your thing, several bovine inclined
Regardless of who or what has students plan to graze on the college
cooked up this trouble, it is the resi- garden at weekends. Among these is
dents of the staircases who now have green god Pete Wood, who suggestto deal with going cold turkey – lit- ed that although he would mostly be
erally. One pie-loving fiend described eating grass and leaves, anything else
themself as ‘bleeding from an oven would be “a turnip for the books”.
shaped hole’ in their heart, until a
eagle-eyed passer-by noted that it
Even if you weren’t planning to
was in fact gravy dripping from a pie use an oven this term, what if these
stored in their shirt pocket. Upon dark times saw the removal of somehearing of the traumatic situation, thing you considered more essential?
several leading stars from the music Microwaves? The laundry room? Coindustry compiled a charity album, lin Barnes’ top hat? Clearly, much is
with all the proceeds going to Rob- at steak...
New College Pet? Page 3 | “Dear Big Dave...” Page 6 | Sarah Palin Page 7
2
| TheBrick | Monday 13th October 2008
This week in pictures
You’ve been framed!
“I just love something hot
and black inside me.”
Dan Jackson on his love for a
good cup of coffee.
Scott Bolingbroke: The Facts
nal investigation.
RCSA Positions Held: Catering
& Amenities Officer
Time Position Held: 27 secs
Interesting Fact #1: Scott
doesn’t like lemons.
Interesting Fact #2: Scott is
known to be a fan of boyband Take
That.
Interesting Fact #3: Scott did
rowing for a bit, but unsurprisingly,
he quit.
Interesting Fact #4: Scott does
Varsity Judo, and could beat the
shit out of me, so I’ll declare my
undying love for him now.
The
Brick investigates this term’s hot Interesting Fact #5: Scott, a littalking point and local Robinson ce- tle worse for wear, after a few too
lebrity, Mr. Scott Adrian Bolingbroke many pivos inadvertedly crushed an
******************************* innocent German man in a Czech
Name: Scott Bolingbroke
nightclub before fleeing the scene.
Subject: of a current ongoing crimi-
Giraffe - 1 Bolingbroke - 0
“Yeeehaaahhh!”
Lewis Hemens parties as your PCs
stay unconnected to the web.
“Whatchu lookin’ at?”
Some of Robinson’s bricks get slightly vexed, but you can’t blame them
- they have absolutely no privacy.
he’d just had a judo match with Rik
Neville Shite
Waller in a paddling pool full of lemNot running for ENTS Officer
on jelly’ upon his release. It is, however, believed that the identities of
College Authorities have an- the antagonists were not disclosed
nounced a full-scale manhunt after during the encounter. The investigaunidentified individuals stole the tion continues.
door code of Mr. S. A. Bolingbroke
and used it to illicitly sequester an
over-sized ornamental giraffe within
his dwelling.
Head Porter Colin Barnes, who
will be heading up the enquiry codenamed ‘Operation Hardsquad,’ announced in a statement today that
“Giraffe-related tomfoolery will not
be tolerated by the College Authorities and at the risk of sounding intolerant we shall be adopting a zerotolerance approach to such matters.”
Barnes’ Hardsquad has already established its own ‘Room 101’ deep
below college, its first visitor being
Bolingbroke himself. Eyewitnesses Look into my eyes: Mr. Barnes coming to a telescreen near you.
report that Bolingbroke ‘looked like
Monday 13th October 2008 |
Brick |
The
7
People & Politics
“My policy is to wear my wife’s clothes when she goes out.”
Last roll of the Vice
R.P. M. Smith
Prefers Michael Palin
When asked to write about the
U.S. election for this term’s Brick I almost replied ‘Sorry Barnaby I’ve got
too much work this weekend’. Just
before these dreaded words fell from
my lips, however, two words flashed
into my head. Two words so heinous
they strike fear into the heart of any
sensible lover of liberty. These two
words are, of course, ‘Sarah’ and ‘Palin’. Sarah Palin is the biggest threat to
western civilisation since, well, Hitler
and it is therefore my duty, no matter how much work I may have, to
lay into the bitch for a few hundred
words.
‘Woah, woah, woah’, you might
well be thinking, ‘Sarah Palin is a
woman and therefore it must be
good for equality’. Although this
may seem half-way sensible at first
it is clearly not the case. Palin is so
grossly unqualified for political office that her only real merit is her
womanhood. The Republican Party
hope that she will mop up some of
the votes that would have swung Hillary’s way and this is unbearably patronising. It implies that women will
not make intelligent choices about
politics and will instinctively vote for
someone with the same genitalia as
themselves. How is this a great stride
forward for equality? Having a vagina
does not make someone a feminist
or even representative of women’s
best interests. Don’t believe me? Sarah Palin, in her Budget of 2000, made
the victims of rape pay for their own
rape testing kits rather than the police. In other words, in this Budget the
rape and sexual abuse of women was
a source of profit. If anybody needs
a clearer example than this I suggest
you bang your head against the nearest wall. Repeatedly.
Que Sarah, Sarah: Will Palin
become the US Vice President?
now say that you are more qualified
for the American vice-presidency
than Sarah Palin. In all seriousness
though, as America seems to quite
Aside from being a woman what regularly enjoy fucking about in varidoes Sarah Palin have going for her? ous areas of our planet I’d sleep a
Well she claims she has a good little bit easier with a Vice President
knowledge of foreign policy be- who knows the tricky subtleties of
cause of Alaska’s proximity to Russia. foreign policy. You know, stuff like
It seems to me that Palin has been being able to tell the difference beplaying too much ‘Risk’ and is used to tween Austria and Australia.
jumping from Alaska to Kamchatka in
In short, I guess what I’m trying
a single move.
Although this could prove hu- to say here is that Sarah Palin is the
morous if she tries to declare war on most patronising, lowest-commonSiam with a dice role, the claim is of denominator, disgusting, ignorant and
course so ridiculous it hardly needs above all dangerous Vice-Presidential
refuting. This was also said despite candidate in American electoral hisher not having owned a passport tory.A three-legged dog with the face
until earlier this year. I’m sure that of Sid James grafted onto it would
most people reading this article have be a preferable candidate and would
owned a passport since the age of make better informed decisions than
about five. Congratulations, you can this sorry excuse for a politician.
Seeing Double......elbuoD gnieeS
SCOTT BOLINGBROKE
RAHUL MANSIGANI
SCOTT BOLINGBROKE
CHAIRMAN MAO
6|
Brick | Monday 13th October 2008
Monday 13th October 2008 |
The
“Dear Big Dave...”
“I was having a jolly good play with
myself and the fire alarm went off. I
want justice served to the person responsible for disturbing my sexy time.” - S.
A. Bolingbroke
Unfortunately for you, no one is
to blame. Ironically, whilst you were
unloading, it appears there was a
fault in the fire alarm system in the
loading bay, Might I suggest a more
sensible time for a wank?
“I would like to once again complain
that I absolutely despise The Brick.”
- A Slightly Enraged Mr. Kecman
I would like to remind all readers that this is the second time this
individual has complained about the
quality of this outstanding publication.
Furthermore, I would like to
re-iterate that this ‘slightly enraged’
individual regularly murders babies
and nails them to trees. Also, he
stamps on woodland animals and
travels to poverty-stricken areas to
encourage drug abuse, illegal raves
and buggery. Point made.
donna.
As for your dubious claims of
a ‘miracle’, why not just praise the
good Lord that has blessed you so.
Go immediately to the nearest establishment of worship and get your
toaster consecrated, before its sacred powers run out. Give me a
HALLELUJAH!
***
If ever you find yourself in
problem of mediocre size, Big Dave
is always here to help - email the
“The other day, I was rocking out to
Lostprophets and I stuck my hand in my editor and our dedicated agony aunt
team will sort you out innit.
toaster, only to find that it was turned
Disclaimer: ‘Big Dave’ does not write
on. Should I see the fact that I’m still
this
article
as he is too busy being big and
living as a miracle, and spread words of
fending off Mr. Kecman in poverty-stricken
love and peace to all I know?” - DJJ
areas.The real anonymous writers of this
For a start, the next time you are article are simply offering advice and don’t
‘rocking out’, I would recommend a mean to upset anyone, so please take no
popular girl band such as Girls Aloud offence, unless you have been jam making,
or ‘flexible at fifty, sexy at sixty’ Ma- in which case you’re a sick bastard.
Tarantino Fromaggio Quattro
I suoi pantaloni sono andato al
supermercato.
Robinson College awoke on Tuesday morning to the shocking news
that second year Oriental Studies
student, Mr. Samuel Ignatio Babyliss
(heir to the hair care product empire
of the same name), had met an unfortunate and bloody demise at the
claws of Glenys, the newly adopted
college bear. It is thought that Babyliss stumbled into the gardens during
Monday night’s bop having over-indulged in half-nakedness. A second
year ASNAC who wishes to remain
anonymous rather surprisingly remembers that she heard ‘blood curdling screams’ coming from the garden of “Oh f**k! I’m having my head
torn off by a bear! Oh god! Now I’ve
got no legs! Please, somebody, any-
body fetch my legs!” But Babyliss, a
well known bear attack hoaxer, received no assistance from bystanders
assuming he was just up to his usual
tricks.
After the screaming had ceased,
the horror of what had actually taken
place quickly became apparent. A vet
was immediately called to the scene
but quickly told students not to worry; Glenys was fine and had sustained
no injury in the attack.
The news has prompted a mixed
reaction in the college community.
Babyliss’s set-mate and college’s resident foul-mouthed Australian, Mr.
Scott Bolingbroke has pledged to
convert his late friend’s room into
a 70s roller disco and games room.
Catering Manager, Nick Milne, is reportedly inconsolable, tearfully warning students that following the loss
which would enable rents to be quadrupled for freshers in 2009/2010
academic year.
RCSA POLL: NAMING OF
COLLEGE BEAR
Barnsey: 13%
Wing Commander: 5%
Buttons: 0%
Glenys: 72%
Fish Finger: 3%
Garden Restaurant: 1%
Pineapple Chunks: 6%
The toughest question of the term so far: what is Walbridge going to do with his hair?
Glenys
“THE ‘FRO”
Odds: 6-1
Capturing the essence of ‘boogie
wonderland’ is a tough task, but your
follicles will be jiving with joy with
this haircut. Big on volume, big on
the street.
“THE BALD EAGLE”
Odds: 57-1 (Outsider)
It is becoming more frequent to see
men choosing to advance an unfavourable natural process with the
help of a razor, yet also keep a comforting bit of facial hair.
of one of his best customers, Garden
Restaurant profits have dropped 26%
and prices may have to rise in order
to compensate.
The RCSA has immediately resolved to investigate the incident,
President Ian Barr promising that he
will personally ensure that everything
possible is done to prevent Glenys
from being disturbed again. “It is vital,” he said, “that the College stands
together to ensure that a bear in
which we have invested our love and
affection, and £13,000 of RCSA funds
which were ear-marked for rent subsidies, is protected from further unwanted harassment.”
A service of thanksgiving for the
life of Glenys the bear who continues to touch so many in the college
community will be held in the College Chapel on Thursday.
FACTFILE: Glenys The Bear
Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Barber Alan
“THE TUDOR”
Odds: 7-2 (Fav)
This style is just so reminiscent of the
16th century banquet days of Henry
VIII. Whilst some people might think
that a haircut over 450 years old is
outdated, it has retro appeal.
3
‘Boy Who Cried Bear’ Becomes First
Victim of Robinson College Bear
Our agony aunt will sort you out good and proper - just like in the old days.
“I’ve been suffering from night terrors,
and these dreams in which I’m dying
certainly aren’t the best I’ve ever had”
- James Pacey
Could it be that the thought of
three hours of lectures a day has
scared the ‘be-jesus’ out of you,
especially after your one three-hour
exam led to a permanent back/neck/
spine problem?
However, if this is not the case,
then let me offer you some alternative advice. Perhaps you’re still
suffering from guilt over that bus full
of monks that you torched in the
Bangkok riots during the hols.
If all else fails, start sleeping in
really dangerous places, so there is
a fair chance you may actually never
get to the point where your “really
scary” (you big pansy) dreams start
occurring.
Brick |
The
The
Bear
posing
Glenys arrived in the Robinson gardens last week from Chakrudikzstan
Zoo following unanimous support at
Easter Term’s final RCSA open meeting for Mr Guillaume Lau’s motion
“The RCSA believes that Michelmas
2008 would be immeasurably en-
for
The
Brick
yesterday.
riched both for incoming freshers
and existing college members by letting a bloody massive bear wander
about the place.” The college authorities initially condemned the plans on
health and safety grounds but gave
the go-ahead after a deal was struck
Source: The Luke Whiting Office of Girls
Aloud Studies and Dead Hard Maths Type
Stuff.
4
|
Brick | Monday 13th October 2008
Monday 13th October 2008 |
The
Arts & Literature
(Mis)Leading Article
If you’ve been fed up of reading the same old shit over and over
again, then it’s probably about time
you read the latest enthralling installment of the Gary Porter series.
Once again we join our heroic
porter-wizard, Gary Swan, as he battles the evil wizard Barnes-a-mort,
holder of the enchanted top hat,
within which lies all the corrupted
powers of the wizarding universe.
By the looks of the front cover,
Gary gets to ride a griffin-like creature, and he looks like he’s having
fun doing that. Also, Barnes-a-mort
appears to be able to make his enchanted top hat glow.
The book has been recommended as a good read for the whole family, with an action-packed storyline
from start to finish, as we find out
whether Robwarts School of Magic
and Wizardy will ever be safe from
the wrath of Barnes-a-mort, and
whether Gary Swan has the power
to stop his evil plan to set off the
magic fire alarms forever more.
Silent Disco Proves A Hit
be horribly out of time, but is actually brilliantly in time with the completely different tune they are listening to.
TV Chef Anthony Worrall
Thompson has never said anything
in public about silent discos, but if
he did it would be something along
the lines of ‘I’m f*cking mashed off
my tits and I’m rocking out to Rage
Against The Machine.’
Next year’s ENTS officers are
almost certain to include this hit at
the next Corruption and the RCSA
has already worked out an ingenious
5
Comment & Opinion
sponsored by
The Wizard
Porter Strikes
Gold Again
We’ve heard of dancing in the
moonlight, dancing in the rain and
dancing in the nude, but what we
hadn’t heard of until Saturday night
was dancing in complete silence.
That’s right you crazy, crazy people, the most popular activity at this
year’s Corruption was in fact a discotheque without any form of noisebased communications a.k.a a silent
disco.
Essentially you put on the headphones, select your music and dance
away by yourself, and watch other
dance in a sequence that appears to
Brick |
The
plan to save money.“We’re gonna get
rid of those needless headphones
for a start and get some new pool
tables in,” said smug ENTS-wannabe
Adam from Swindon,
With the summer now nothing
more than a rather uneventful memory for most of us (except for Claire
Horrocks who decided to go and
out-do everyone else and discover
a tree in Honduras), and Freshers’
Week coming to an abrupt end, it is
time to focus attention on the future
at Robinson College.
It’s almost certain that the rest
of term will bring the joys of work,
more work and, plausibly, work induced nose bleeds, but students
should be reminded that they have
more to look forward to this term.
For starters, the fire alarms the
other day were actually a fault in the
system, so it’s likely that we’ll get a
proper drill some time soon. Anyone
thinking of complaining should realise that the fire alarm’s loud, incessant noise in the early hours of the
morning is the essential ingredient
for a quality bop. Hopefully the ENTS
committee will sort it out pronto.
We also haven’t seen much of
an aubergine turnout on the Garden
Restaurant menu this term, so many
Freshers are yet to taste the holy
glories that lie with in the purple,
overcooked skins of demonic origin.
Furthermore, ex-RCSA Catering & Amenities officer Scott Bolingbroke hasn’t been seen all term,
though someone claiming to be him,
with black hair and stylish glasses,
has fitted nicely in his place.
Also, I can confirm that the rumours of Rob Brown owning a trampoline are completely and utterly
true, and he is currently welcoming
anyone to come have a jump or two.
Well that’s me, so here are my
last printed words: is it a beanbag?
The Brick is produced in Robinson College
and is an independent student publication.
Thank you to all our billions of readers
and contributors. [email protected].
Better Latte Than Never..?
Joel Grossman
Bacon-eating Jew
decidedly mixed, and whilst many
have been pleasantly surprised by the
reasonably priced coffee and pleasant
atmosphere, others have been less
than impressed. Grace Parker, 42, a
second year historian was appalled
by the poor attempt at promoting
healthy food: “It costs 50 pence for
fruit. FIFTY PENCE! I mean actually
fifty p – for fruit.” Unfortunately, despite literally hours of experience as
a journalist, this reporter was unable
to illicit from the now clearly deranged historian exactly what manner of fruit was being sold at such
an extortionate level as she darted
drunkenly in the direction of The Regal mid-conversation.
There have also been concerns
of the possible effects of the new
café on the work ethic of the college. One English student revealed to
The Brick that he believes the café
is already having a detrimental effect
on his work, to the extent that he
attended just 4 lectures last term.
Admittedly the café had not actually
been built at this time, but it is believed that the mere thought of such
a distractive influence was enough to
put the student off of his work.
Clearly the new café is here to
stay, though its presence will presumably divide the opinions of Robinsonians for days, if not minutes,
but soon enough the café will be as
familiar a part of college as Colin
Barnes’ top hat or the entirely superfluous return visits of Jacob BardRosenberg.
Education & Learning
#089 The Chisel
Returning students of the second and third years have arrived at
college this year expecting life to
continue as normal in the Robinson bubble. However, many students
have experienced the uneasy sense
that something has changed around
college; and after days of careful investigative journalism The Brick can
reveal that the so called Red Brick
Café has been built in our absence.
Students have been shocked by the
revelation: “I’m shocked,” was the response of one third year who wished
to remain anonymous.
Responses to the café have been
Seeing Red: A complicated diagram explains how the college catering department came up with
the name for our new doss-about
area.
Learn Baby, Learn
As recently as 1998, 26% of students
sitting exams in the UK were still using the traditional hammer and chisel
method. It was common for an exam
to last for 3 weeks, and many students
were unable to cope with the physical strain, biting off their own arms
just to leave the exam hall early. Keen
students were sent to the quarry to
mine an extra slab of stone.