goodhope - Focus on the Family Canada

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THREE BIBLICA LLY-BASED BOOKS ON M A RRI AGE
Have you ready any good books lately? Encouraging your
clients to do the same? If you are looking for marriage-themed
resources to add to your bibliotherapy shelf, consider the
following trio:
FOCUS ON MARRIAGE 2013
• How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie
Vernick (2001, Waterbooks)
• Safe Haven Marriage: Building a Relationship You Want to
Come Home To by Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sharon Hart
Morris (2003, W Publishing Group)
• Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage by Michael Misja, PhD,
and Chuck Misja, PhD (2009, NavPress)
Both How to Act Right . . . and Thriving Despite . . . build upon the
provocative question explored in Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage:
What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make
us happy? In this age of soaring divorce rates and “let’s see if
we like it enough to marry” live-in arrangements, the idea of
sticking with a less-than-perfect, tiresome or irritating partner
is somewhat countercultural! Both Vernick and the Misja
brothers reflect the Biblical relevance of patience, forgiveness
and purposefully addressing our own sins in the pursuit of
marriage in all its fullness.
“Safe Haven . . .” presses into understanding the significant
influence of early life attachments – or more likely, attachment
disruptions – upon the intimate attachments sought,
and often missed, between marriage partners. Biblical
perspectives, reflective exercises and solid research are
well handled and illustrated through case vignettes and
contemporary cultural references.
To order these resources, visit our online bookstore at
Shop.focusonthefamily.ca.
Moncton | May 24
Edmonton | June 6
Ottawa | May 25
Calgary | June 7
Cambridge | May 26
Winnipeg | June 13
Toronto | May 27
Chilliwack | June 14
Saskatoon | May 28
Kelowna | June 15
Whatever you fight about, fight right! Come to a
fun-filled night out and learn how conflict can actually
strengthen your marriage. Presented by Focus on the
Family Canada, this 10-city tour features bestselling
authors and speakers Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott.
• Uncover the two surprising forces behind
TEL: 1.888.5.CLERGY
EMAIL: [email protected]
WEB: Clergycare.ca | FocusHelps.ca
MAIL: 19946 80A Avenue,
Langley, BC V2Y 0J8
THOUGH WE HAVE enjoyed a bit of a
lull from the hectic year we had last year
(counselling numbers were up 40 per
cent over the previous year), it’s getting
quite busy again in our office. My new
assistant told me yesterday that we were
booking our last available appointment
for the week and it was only Monday! I’m
sure you have weeks like that!
every conflict.
• Discover three words that instantly change the
tone of any conversation.
• Learn the three-minute exercise that brings
you closer.
For information and registration visit
Focusonthefamily.ca/fightright.
We believe that the increase in callers
requesting counselling is often, at
least in part, in response to our radio
broadcast. There have
been several broadcasts
WORDS FROM WENDY
recently that I think are
worth noting.
NATIONA L MENTA L HE A LTH W EEK
When: May 6-12, 2013
The Canadian Mental Health Association is
celebrating 62 years of improving people’s
understanding of mental health. To support an
activity planned for your region, check the websites
Mentalhealthweek.ca or Cmha.ca.
GET IN TOUCH
© 2013 Focus on the Family Canada
goodhope
Wendy Kittlitz
VP of Counselling and
Care Ministries
604.455.7930
[email protected]
check out these
marriage resources
I N THI S I S S U E
We are always interested in hearing about new resources for counsellors,
referrals for potential new members of our Counsellor Referral Network and
ideas for upcoming issues of goodhope. Please contact us anytime!
Karin Gregory
Counsellor Supervisor
604.455.7986
[email protected]
A QUARTERLY NEWSLET TER FOR FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
CANADA’S REFERRAL COUNSELLORS
Spring 2013: Volume 10, Issue 2
• An update on our team
• Cheery hellos, wistful adieus
• Why marriages fail
and what to do about it
• Resources & professional
development
CONTACT US!
1.888.5.CLERGY
One broadcast I found
especially helpful aired on
April 1, entitled “Fighting
as a Team in Marriage.”
Greg Smalley, director of marriage for
Focus on the Family (U.S.), was featured.
I really like Greg’s emphasis on seeing
your marriage as a team, and his point
that when one person “loses,” the team
loses. He encouraged listeners to talk
openly about how conflicts can be
resolved so that the team (rather than an
individual) wins.
I also encourage you to check out a
two-part interview with Sue Birdseye,
a woman whose husband suddenly
abandoned her and their five children.
This broadcast aired March 21-22 and
the title is “Surviving Divorce and Single
Parenthood.” Sue‘s book When Happily
Ever After Shatters is an excellent resource
for spouses who unexpectedly find
themselves in this difficult situation.
To listen to either broadcast online, visit
Focusonthefamily.com, then click the
“broadcast” link at the top of the home
page. Scroll down to the broadcast
calendar and choose the dates I have
already mentioned.
Finally, please suggest our Focus on
Marriage 2013 event to your clients
if they live near an event venue. Les
and Leslie Parrott do a great job of
encouraging couples to grow their
relationship intentionally. (See details on
the back page.)
Though we have access to some terrific
resources, we are always grateful for
your partnership; our referral network
is another great source of help for
individuals and families. We pray God
will bless you and your work through the
busy spring season!
Wendy Kittlitz
VP of Counselling and Care Ministries
Focus on the Family Canada
to Canada’s network of pregnancy
care centres. She also provides
administrative support to the adoption
and foster care initiative we are
developing in Calgary, in partnership
with World Vision Canada. Cara Plett
(nee Walton) has made a very successful
transition to the creative services team,
putting her newly minted English
degree to use as an editorial assistant.
We’re delighted that both Cara and
Sylvia remain as talented and valued
colleagues at Focus!
COMMENTS FROM KARIN
an update
on our team
SINCE THE LAST ISSUE of
goodhope arrived on your desk in late
January, a few things have changed in
Focus Canada’s counselling and care
ministries. Both of the wonderful
ladies you’ve known as our intake team
throughout the past couple of years
have moved into other areas of the
ministry. Sylvia Welfing, counselling
assistant, now serves as our liaison
COUNSELLOR REFERRAL NETWORK
cheery hellos,
wistful adieus
THIS SPRING, we are pleased to
welcome several new members to Focus
on the Family Canada’s counsellor
referral network. Reference letters,
transcripts and other documents
needed to complete applications
have been pouring into our office at
a very healthy pace, and acceptance
letters are in preparation as I write
this. To paraphrase that ubiquitous
fast-food jingle, “We’re lovin’ it!” In
fact, if you have received this exclusive
goodhope newsletter for the first time,
congratulations! You are definitely one
of our new referral network members!
Stepping up to manage the multiple
challenges of our busy office – while
providing administrative support to
Wendy Kittlitz, VP for counselling and
care ministries – is counselling intake
assistant Mayda Wong. Mayda brings
a treasury of skill, experience and life
context to our team. Her professional
background as a registered psychiatric
nurse, together with several years
of clinical program administration,
makes her a wonderful fit for her
“first contact” role, helping callers
when they first identify their hope for
counselling or referral.
It’s been exciting to identify additional
providers who, along with their solid
Christian faith, bring registered
psychologist status, ministry
experience, EAP acceptance, crosscultural experience, availability to
under-served regions, and other “standouts” that assist us in matching referrals
to client needs.
Mayda continually updates the database
as we receive information changes from
existing members: address and phone
numbers, additional professional
credentials, expanding areas of practice
and delivery modes, and so on. Thank
you for keeping us up to date and for
encouraging colleagues you value to
contact us!
We’ve also said goodbye recently to
a few counsellors who are reducing
or completely stepping out of private
practice. For some, it is simply the
As an adoptive parent, Mayda brings
meaningful experience and faithfuelled wisdom to Focus Canada’s
ongoing commitment in developing
resources to address adoption and
foster care from a Christian perspective.
Mayda’s responsibilities also include
managing the database for our referral
network counsellors – you! In fact, you
may have already exchanged emails
with Mayda or spoken with her directly.
Her sense of humour, initiative and
energy have definitely found Mayda “at
home” within our team.
Finally, part-time counsellor Jennifer
Antonsen has recently stepped
aside from her Focus position for a
time to concentrate on her growing
family. We look forward to Jennifer’s
return at a future date. Hans Weber
and Shari Lau continue as senior
care ministries associates, while
Dave Ortis, Louise Madill and I are
privileged to be Focus Canada’s partand full-time counsellors.
next step in an orderly plan for their
professional journey. For a few others,
health challenges or pressing family
concerns have driven the change.
A few counsellors have advised us of
some very difficult circumstances they
are facing – circumstances created
because of their responses as Christian
practitioners in an increasingly secular,
and sometimes hostile, professional
and media environment.
In moments like these we recognize
the Focus counsellor referral network
is not just a professional tool. It’s
another reflection of the Body of
Christ; believers brought together by
the Holy Spirit. Although you may not
know any of these latter counsellors
by name, or the details of situations
weighing upon them, we invite you
to remember them in your prayers
(1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18).
Why marriages fail
and what to do about it
by LARRY J. RUSSELL
BY MANY ACCOUNTS, researchers report that approximately
50 per cent of first marriages, 76 per cent of second marriages,
and 84 per cent of third and subsequent marriages fail.*
Sadly enough, those statistics hold true even in the Christian
community. Obviously, we have some work to do if we are to
emulate the model of marriage that the apostle Paul laid before
us in Ephesians chapter 5 when he admonished men to love
their wives as Christ loved the church. That model seems to
indicate that the relationship between Jesus and His bride, the
church, is our example of what a marriage should be.
The master architect of marriage spoke to us through the writer
of Genesis that “for this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one
flesh . . . . The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt
no shame.” We have strayed so far from the loving, fulfilling,
contented relationships that God intended for us to have.
However, there is hope! Marriages fail for a reason – the old “sow
and reap principle” still applies today. Whatever we put into a
marriage will predict what we get out of it. John Gottman, a
researcher for many years in the arena of marriage, has written
a book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In it, he has isolated
a particular slide that marriages fall prey to on their way to
failure. In fact, his research team has been able to accurately
predict, with a 94 per cent success rate, which marriages will
succeed or fail based on these principles.

The spiral which leads to marital failure begins with criticism.
Complaining, on the other hand, addresses a specific behaviour
– a negative comment about something you wish was different
than it is. In fact, complaining is one of the healthiest activities
in marriage. Criticism, however, attacks your spouse’s
personality and becomes a character assassination. Complaints
begin with “I”; criticism begins with “you.”

When criticism has firmly entrenched itself into your routine
of interaction, you sink to feelings and actions of contempt.
At this point, you are no longer able to admire each other or
remember why you fell in love and married each other. What
separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and
psychologically abuse your partner – now you do it on purpose.

The spiral downward continues when defensiveness sets in.
One of the major destroyers of communication in marriage
is defensiveness – the need to justify and explain our actions.
However, the major problem with defensiveness is that it
obstructs communication and nothing gets resolved.

The final stage in the downward spiral of marriage failure is
stonewalling. A stonewaller has a stony silence – no response
– a wall which cannot be penetrated. Friendship is no longer
present. It has been replaced with loneliness and emptiness. At
this point, couples have only a six per cent chance of survival
without intervention.
God never intended for the institution of marriage to come to
this. He set out to create something beautiful between a man
and a woman which would provide a loving, caring, intimate,
sharing relationship which would span the years of time. So, if
you are in this failure spiral, how can you pull yourself out?
First, a little self diagnosis is in order. Which stage of the
slide are you in? Once you have determined that, apply these
principles to reverse the process:
Instead of disengagement, re-engage. Instead of defensiveness,
apply openness. Instead of contempt, show respect. And, finally,
show acceptance instead of criticalness. Work on boundaries
in your life – understand that it is ok to be different. Develop
empathy – seek to know your mate’s heart. Learn to see the
positive side of your spouse. Allow for growth – give them
permission to fail.
*Based on statistics from the US
© Larry J. Russell. Reproduced from Shmministry.com and also
posted on Focus on the Family Canada’s FocusHelps.ca. Used by permission.
Larry Russell and his wife Lorrie are licensed counsellors. They offer
marriage intensives through their ministry, The Shepherd’s Heart Ministry
(Shmministry.com).
Focus on the Family Canada is pleased to partner with the Russells this summer
as they offer a series of marriage intensive weeks specifically for Canadian
ministry couples at our Kerith Creek Retreat Centre (in Priddis, AB) and The
Shepherd’s Sanctuary Retreat Centre located north of Toronto.