vol 4-51.pages

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a
glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 !
!
Jan 20, 2014
vol 4 - 51
"If you want a kitten, start out by
asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use
as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
RANDOM TIDBITS
The kid on the Cracker Jack box is
named Robert.
The seven Gummi Bears are
named Gruffi, Cubbi, Tummi,
Zummi, Sunni, Gusto, and
Grammi.
The double Popsicle stick was
introduced during the Depression.
It was designed so two people
could share it.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped:
celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
chocolate.
"Nothing is permanent in this
wicked world - not even our
troubles.” -Charlie Chaplin.
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to
study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his
dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful,
people are nice and I really like it
here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive
to school with my gold Mercedes
when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from
his dad with a hundred million dollar
check saying:"Stop embarrassing us,
go and get yourself a train too”!
The earliest known types of knitting
by nomadic people in the desert
places of North Africa actually used
circular or narrow, oblong wooden
frames.
One of the earliest known examples of
knitting (formed on two sticks by
pulling loops through loops) were a
pair of cotton socks found in Egypt
from the first millennium A.D.
!
The knitting machine was invented in
1589 (during the reign of Queen
Elizabeth) by William Lee, a
clergyman. After the invention of the
knitting machine, knitting was
gradually taken over by guildorganized cottage industries in the
17th and 18th centuries
Two blonde prostitutes were riding around
town with a sign on top of their car which
said:
Two Prostitutes -- $50.00
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped
them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
!
!
!
!
!
Just at that time, another car passed with a
sign saying:
Events - 2014!
Jan 27-30 - HS exams!
Jan 30 - garbage day!
Jan 31 - no school!
Feb 3- School bonspiel!
Feb 14 - Valentines Day!
Feb 17-21 School Winter Break!
Mar 9 - Daylight savings time!
Apr 18 - Good Friday!
Apr 20 - Easter Sunday !
Apr 22 - Earth Day!
May 11 - Mother’s Day!
Showing his friend around his
home, Fred started to point out
all of the collectibles he and his
wife had acquired over their long
years of marriage.
!
"The day before I die, I'd like to
sell every piece we've got just to
see how much it's all worth."
!
Jesus Saves
One of the blondes asks the officer, "How
come you don't stop them?!"
"But you couldn't possibly know
the day before you were going to
die, so how could you sell it."
"Well, that's a little different," the officer
smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
"Simple... If I sell it, my wife
would kill me!"
!
So the two ladies of the night frowned as
they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police
officer in the area when he noticed the
same two blonde ladies driving around with
a large sign on their car again.
!
!
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the
new sign which now read:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00
!
ill
age, I st
y
m
t
a
n
my
Eve
alling in
f
r
i
a
h
e
hav
now my
's
t
i
,
y
l
d
eyes. Sa
s!
eyebrow
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted
asked the Commanding Officer for a 3day pass. Saskatchewan 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck
hunting in rural Saskatchewan He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence. As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked
him what he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck
and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in
to retrieve it." The CO says "Are you crazy? You just
join the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3-day pass? You must do
something spectacular for that
recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later
in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked
"How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went
toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an
Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said
to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to
get a three-day pass? So we
exchanged tanks!"
The old farmer replied, "This is my
property, and you are not coming over
here. " The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own. " Women shouldn't have children after 35
...because that many children is more
than enough!
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Saskatchewan. We settle small
disagreements like this with the
Saskatchewan “Three-Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick
Rule? " The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three
times, and so on, back and forth, until
someone gives up. " The attorney quickly thought about the
proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom. The speed of light is approximately
186,000 miles per second through a
vacuum. Going through ordinary window
glass, light travels at only 120,000 miles
per second.
62,860 trees must be cut to provide
paper pulp for just one Sunday
edition of the New York Times.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees. His second kick
nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the
farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn. " The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I
give up. You can have the duck.
Once at the beach, a guy swimming in
the ocean yelled, "Help! Shark! Help!"
I just laughed. That shark wasn't going
to help him!
About two-thirds of shark attacks on
humans have taken place in water
less than six feet deep. Most shark
attacks occur less than 100 feet from
the shore. Shark attacks happen all
over the world, but mainly around
popular beaches in North America
(especially Florida and Hawaii),
Australia, and South Africa.
!
For every human killed by a shark,
humans kill two million sharks.
Bonus Fact:
Approximately 100 million sharks are
killed every year. Shark teeth are
used to make necklaces; cartilage is
used to make fertilizers; skin is used
to make leather; liver is used to
make face cream, sap, and fuel; and
fins are used to make soup. The
mass killing of sharks creates a
negative, cascading effect in the
global environment.
The term bachelor in "bachelor's
degree" most likely is from the
Medieval Latin term baccalaureate,
which is a play on the Latin words
bacca lauri or laurel berries. The word
is also a re-Latinization of the French
word bachelor, which means a
"youthful knight" or a "novice in arms."
I wish my computer keyboard had a
removable crumb tray like my toaster!
“Never be afraid to laugh at
yourself. After all, you could be
missing out on the joke of the
century.” ~ Dame Edna Everage
!
Did you hear about the two guys
who decided to try duck hunting?
They bought new outfits &
equipment, and went out to a place
in the woods where they heard the
hunting was really good. But after
several hours of thrashing through
the woods, one fellow said, "I don't
know about this. We've been out
here all day and haven't caught a
single duck. Do you think we're
doing something wrong?"
!
"I don't know," replied the other.
"Maybe we're not throwing the dog
high enough."
Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt
just had a baby and it looked like her uncle,
she said, "You mean he has a moustache?"
My friend asked our grandson when
he would turn 6. He replied, "When
I'm tired of being 5." Seeing
he
age 3, e r first hailstorm
xclaime
, Mary S
d
raining
dumplin , "Mommy, it's ue,
gs!"