Krogh Quits SFS Post - Georgetown University

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I
Vol. LVII, No. 23
Monday, April 1, 1974
BE AWARE OF PEOPLE TRYING TO FOOL YOU
Corbett Meets Doom;
1stAmend.Foe Croaks
by Benedict Arnold
Glenn F. Corbett (SBA'79),
bon vivant and former chairman
oC the Student Activities Commission, was found dead this
morning in Student Government
offices in Healy basement, an apparent suicide victim.
The HOY A has assembled a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
District oC Columbia Coroner
Dr. Maurice Capone stated that
the cause of death was suicide .
.
"The cause oC death was suicide,"
Dr. Capone said.
Corbett, a student senator Cor
Cour years, became a controversial
figure this year Cor his role in
attempting to force the merger oC
the two campus newspapers. The
HOY A and The Voice. Often
referred to as "Old Honey tonsils"
for his oratorical skills, Corbett
recommended to the senate that
the two papers be merged by
April of this year or face extinction.
(Continued on page 42/
'
Roving hordes of enraged students brutally assaulted student government offices late last night in an attempt
10 capture Glenn Corbett. (PholO by Matthew Brady)
As the KrDfI!I Flies
Krogh Quits SFS Post
by Walter l. Giles
Dean Peter Krogh has announced his resignation effective
immediately as Dean of the
School of Foreign Service.
Krogh, who has been Dean
since 1970, will assume a new post
in the University as Director of
Public Relations. He will be succeeded as Dean by Dr. Riley
Hughes.
Known as the "Shirt-Stud
King" among members of Georgetown's administrative chic, Krogh
received the plaudits of both
colleagues and students following
announcement oC his resignation.
"It's a great day for University
publicity," remarked Rev. Robert
"ChockIes" Henle, S.J., "I mean
here's a guy with capped teeth
from Harvard who can play tennis
and everything. Dean Krogh's
appointment may be considered
the most singularly important
event in educational public relations since we got Ryan on The
Mike Douglas Show."
Joining in the tidal wave of
acclamation and general gay
abandon was Leonard B. Austin
(SFS'76),
president
of the
Estonian Relations Club (Circle
Eetonaise]. "It is my learned
opinion," said Len, former student senator, candidate for the
New York State Legislature, doorkeeper for Hillel, and representative to the Student Life Resident
Pol icy
A dministrative/ Judicial
Housing Committee Cor OCfCampus Commuters, "that Dean
Krogh's assumption of duties as
Director of Public Relations will
mark a hop, skip and jump
Corward in the challenge of dealing constructively and on a relatively intelligent level with the
problem of telling Henle not to let
his socks Call down to ankle level
in public."
Meanwhile
outgoing
P.R.
Director John Michael Baldoni has
voiced objections to the appointment. "Ciervo and I agreed over
the summer that he'd be director
one semester and I'd take it the
next, and I know a lot of his staff
don't like my pointed shoes but
Ciervo and I, we had this agreement," stated the flustered
journalist.
Dean Krogh has stated that if
he was ever made aware of such
an agreement, he was unaware of
it at the time.
The HOYA has announced that
a special investigative unit has
Captured at the instance of death by our cameras. Corbett lies prostrate
as shockwaves from WGTB scorch his eardrums.
been formed to look into the
matter. "I am instructing a special
investigative unit to look into the
matter," Ken Zemsky, Editor of
Thf' HOYA, said.
Although Krogh will leave the
Foreign Service School as soon as
Dr. Hughes concludes a previous
writing contract with the Hallmark Greeting Card Corp.. he will
remain a professor of International Affairs in Intuition versus
Hunch and the Cure of Female
Troubles.
P8ge 2
The HOVA
Mond8y, April 1, 1974
Kelley Canned After
Eddie Pulls Fast One
by T. R. Fitzgerald
University officials announced
this week that the Board of
Directors has abolished the post
of academic vice president effective April 30.
The HOY A has formed a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
The Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley,
S.J. just appointed to the post
two weeks ago, vowed to fight to
keep his job. "I'm not going to
take this lying down," the Bald
Eagle said. "This is another of
Fast Eddie's tricks, and if he
thinks he can get me that easily,
he can go jump in a lake."
University President the Rev.
R. J. Henle, S.J. commented on
the decision. "After observing Fr.
Kelley on the job, and after
listening to Fr. Ryan's constan t
griping, the Board felt that one of
them had to go," he said. "We
didn't want to make it look like
we were attacking Fr. Kelley
personally, so we decided to
abolish the job instead of firing
him."
The action stunned most observers of University politics. Dr.
Patricia Rueckel, earth mother of
the purge movement, viewed the
situation with mixed emotions. "I
always liked Fr. Kelley, but I
can't afford to offend Fast Eddie.
He's taking thls administrating
business seriously. ,.
Fr. Ryan himself refused to
take credit for the Board's decision. "The Board SImply did what
it felt was appropriate. The fact
that I have photos of most of
them in cornprom -ing situations
had nothing to do with it. However, it is possible that I will seek
redress to the Board in the case of
that psuedo-priest. Juan Cortes."
Fr. Kelley. although emotionally shaken by the week's events,
was bolstered by the news that Fr.
Ryan's German exchange program
had fallen through (see p. 42).
"Bingo!" he cried. "I still have
more than a month left to get
him. I'll just start a little exchange
program of my own."
Daniel J. Altobello, veteran
observor of campus politics and
Fr. Henle's chief lackey, counselled caution in auempting to assess the tum of events. "I counsel
caution in attempting to assess the
turn of events," Altobello wittily
said. "I've seen this Kelley guy
operate for a year now, and let me
tell you he's a shrewdie. Fast
Eddie may have a devil of a time on
this one."
McSorley
Caught With.
Pants Down
Dean of the Foreign Service School. He will be succeeded by Dr.
Riley Hughes. (Photo by Anthony Annstrong..Jones)
George-Pat to Wed;
Ms. Yokie Cries WoH
by Rona Barrett
Georgetown's most eligible
bachelor, University Treasurer
George R. Houston, world travelerplayboy, called a press conference
today to announce his plans to
The Ugly Hoya Departs
(Continued from page 16)
The end came for Corbett at
approximately 2:00 a.m., after
roving hordes of former newspaper reporters began attacking
his room in Copley earlier in the
evening.
Fearing for his life, Corbett
gathered up his law school applications and a copy of How to
Win Friends and Influence People
and jumped out the window of his
second story room. He then fled
to the old annex building, only to
discover that it had been torn
down some time ago.
By this time, Corbett had been
spotted by his pursuers, who
began hurling rocks, bottles, and
copies of the U.S. Constitution at
him. He then beat a hasty retreat.
managing to reach the Healy
building, where he remained until
the end, barricaded in the Student
Government executive restroom.
Surrounded by his close associates, Corbett's confidence was
bolstered and he became defiant.
"Y ou guys better stop or I'll
freeze your budgets," he cried. He
also threatened to merge the
Nursing School with the College.
Stunned, the crowd began to
disperse.
Big Jim Wiles (GUNS'36),
editor of the Voice, arrived on the
scene at this point and began to
take charge of the situation,
however. He persuaded his associate, Carmen Gastillo (C'56), to
streak through the dorms shouting
"Viva la Causa!" As the students
emptied out of the dorms, they
began gathering at the stump,
where Wiles urged them to action.
Around 1:45 A.M. the final
assault took place. Wiles sent
word to Corbett that unless he
surrendered, Wiles would send the
Voice station wagon with a cargo
of streaking staff members, in
after him. Corbett begged for
mercy, but Wiles was adament,
"We're gonna get you, you tightfisted Scrooge," Wiles shouted.
"And then we're gonna get Burke.
and Shankman, and Johnson, and
the rest of your crowd. Next year
we wilI have a favorable government, if I have to run myself!
Corbett abandoned all hope at
this point, confiding to long-time
friend and political advisor Chris
Zinn (SFS'68) that he would die
before submitting to Wiles. Leaving instruction with Zinn and Jay
Hatfield (C'78) for the disposal of
his body, Corbett placed a radio
only inches from his head and
tuned the dial to WGTB. Death
was instantaneous.
Rumors of Corbett's death
swept through the crowd like
wildfire, and Wiles led his followers in a desperate charge upon
Healy to attempt to take Corbett
alive. They did catch Zinn and
Hatfield as they attempted to drag
his body to Gaston Hall and
conceal it in the piano, in accordance with Corbett's instructions. Zinn was captured and his
head was shaved, while Hatfield
was released unharmed.
Members of the university
community expressed shock at
the news of Corbett's demise.
University President Rev. R. J.
Henle, S.J. said, "Glenn Corbett
was an administrator's delight. He
played the merger business right
into my hands. Naturally we're
going to miss him greatly, but we
have to consider this incident in
the larger picture. That's one
more applicant for G.U. Law
down the tubes."
Zinn, who was later rescued by
the Kampus Kiddie Korps (KKK)
of Bernard Gorda, had these
words, "The ugliest man in the
world is dead. He was a real nice
guy," he said. "But he sure was
ugly."
wed Ms. Patricia Rueckel.
The HOYA has assembled a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
"After a short 10-day engagement," Houston said "I know this
is the real thing."
Houston, dressed in a neat,
blue pin-striped suit, a grey tie,
black shoes, and white spats, told
the audience of 500 in the Copley
Lounge press conference that he
and the future Ms. Houston had
set a July 25th wedding date in
Dahlgren Chapel, of course.
The couple plans a reception at
Trader Vic's, and a honeymoon in
Nassau, Montego Bay, Bermuda,
and Hawaii. Houston assured the
audience that he "wilI be back in
time for his first classes in Septernber."
by Seymour Butz
The Rev. Richard T. McSorley,
S.J., theology professor and social
activist, was arrested Saturday
night at a protest at D.C. police
headquarters downtown.
The HOYA has assembled a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
Fr. McSorley was protesting
the arrest of several prostitutes for
soliciting, while alI the male
customers were allowed to go
free. To symbolize his commitment to the cause, McSorlev
dropped his pants, voicing his
contempt for the police anthonties.
An ever-present HOY A reporter pushed his way through the
gasping crowd in an attempt to
interview the noted activist-priest.
Not to be denied, the reporter
carefully scrutinized McSorley's
fallen britches and discovered a
tag identifying the pants as a
Farah product.
Associates of Fr. McSorley
were shocked by his exposure,
"I'm shocked by Fr. McSorley's
exposure," Rev. Jerry Hall, S.J,
commented.
The Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley.
S.J., a McSorley opponent, was
not surprised by McSorley's
plight. "Bingo! I could tell you' .
things about Fr. McSorley that .~
would curl your hair. Those· 1',
hunger strikes he's always having, ,~
why, he eats dinner in the Jesuit ,~
community and then goes out on z
Healy lawn and has that thin '
soup."
~
McSorley posted bail and met "\
with HOY A reporters outside the :.
jail, when he announced that he !".~.
would take a year's sabbatical to ,~:,.
brush up on Leo Tolstoy's War ,{,
and Peace.
;;:
Fr. Henle Bans Students
From G. U.; Seeks Lemons
by Charles Impaglia
After "careful consideration of
all available alternatives," Rev. R.
J. Henle, S.J., University President, today announced that students wiIl no longer be allowed at
Georgetown.
The HOY A has assembled a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
"We're really sorry to see them
go," Henle said, "but they have
proved to be entirely too much
trouble in the last few years."
"If it wasn't for those jack-ass
students and their antics," Henle
continued, "we wouldn't have
nearly so much trouble raising
money among the alumni."
Mr. John V.- Quinn, the erstwhile registrar, applauded the
move, stating "I never have liked
those little s.o.b.'s. Those little
bastards were always coming in
here demanding transcripts and all
kinds of crap. It was as if that was
all they thought we had to do.
Hell, we've got more important
things to do than catering to those
little prima donnas."
Mr. George Houston, Uni-
versity Treasurer, said that he felt
that the elimination of students
with all of their needs and
demands would greatly improve
the University's financial picture.
"I feel that the elimination of
'students with all of their needs
and demands would greatly improve the University's financial
picture," he declared.
The Georgetown move is part
of what appears to be a national
trend. Kenneth J. Koenig, a
spokesman for the American
Council on Education stated that
"the Georgetown move is part of
what appears to be a national
trend."
Recently, prestigious Beloit
College, often referred to as the
"Harvard of the Dairyland", chose
to eliminate its students. Earlier
this year, the University of Maryland dissolved its student body.
"Hell, nobody has studied at
this hole in years," stated U of M
spokesman Tom McMillan. "It
was just a matter of time before
we went pro with the basketball
team and told the rest of those
hangers-on to get lost."
'.I
,,
-
"Frankly, I'm glad to see thvrn '
go," stated newly appointed AC3 t
demic Vice-President Rev. :\i
Kelley, S.J. "They just cluttered t:.
up my hallway," he continued ."
"Now that they're gone, I can '
take over the whole Healy build· i)
ing, and no one will be the wiser " ~
Asked . what the UniversJt\;
plans to do with the new ernpt) ~
dorms and classroom building" i
Kelley stated that "we intend to ~
get a franchise from Holiday Inn,
and rent them out as a convenuon ':'
center. That should finaIly give tI';\
Jesuits the money we need (0 "
finish the tunnel to Rome and
complete our takeover of the
country."
Rev. Edward J. Bodnar, S.J.. '"j
chairman of the Classics Depart 1
ment, commented, UWhat's a ;.. :~
student?"
, ~
Reached for comment at hl·t" ..:"
villa high atop Kehoe field, newl~ r,,, ~
elected student body presiden:~
Jack ("I beat a toad") Les\!tt:"l
stated, "Oh Shit!"
I!;{~
Student body Sue Kinnea:j~'
declined comment.
,-t
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"
~,~11, 1974
TheHOVA
..... 3
Angry Germans Burning
Ober Georgetown Insult
Ken Zemsky, indiCted yesterday in a pay-off scandal inV<1lving the '73
Baseball playoffs, was photographed with his hand in the till by our
roving candid camera. (Photo by Allen Funtl
by Adolph N. Eva .
The Georgetown student exchange program of Georgetown
Executive Vice President for Educational Affairs the Rev. Edmund
G. Ryan, S.J., was placed in
jeopardy today. Concern for the
project's success arose when President Nixon declared war on
Germany earlier today.
This paper is forming an exelusive investigating unit to find
out the causes of the war.
Fr. Ryan was understandably
Editor Bites the Dust
Intramural Games Fixed
by Denny McLain
.'~i
.;
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~
.
~
.t'.~
.~:
Ken Zemsky (GUNS'76), Editor in Chief of the HOY A, has
been indicted by the District
Court Grand Jury on charges of
illegally "fixing" several intramural softball games at Georgetown and the 1913 National
League Championship playoff
series.
This paper is forming a special
investigative unit to look into the
matter.
Zemsky, star catcher of Little
Annie's Fanners, was arraigned
before Judge John J. Sirica
yesterday. He entered a plea of
fraud, 1 count of perjury, 1 count
of gambling, 17 counts of income
tax evasion, and 4 counts of
public indecency. If convicted,
Zemsky could draw a jail term of
364 years, although he would
become eligible for parole after 85
years.
Jack Shea (SBA'67), a teammate of Zemsky's is credited with
exposing Zemsky. Shea first became suspicious when Zemsky
homered in his first at bat, and
proceeded to go six for six from
the .plate in a game his team lost
in extra innings, 25-2.
Shea reported his suspicions to
Director of Public Safety Bernard
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("Robespierre")
Gorda,
who
ordered Captain Jayne Rich to
conduct an investigation.
Capt. Rich reported that Zemsky had been observed in the
University Pub slipping money
and other bribes to opponents.
She reported that he also paid
off Cincinnati Reds pitcher Tom
Hall last fall to throw the '73
playoffs to the New York Mets.
"How else could they have won?"
she asked.
Zemsky, questioned after yesterday's court proceedings, protested that he was innocent. "I
protest that I'm innocent," he
said. "I never met Tom Hall in my
life. The Mets won because of
George Theodore. If anybody's
fiXing the softball games, it's
Koenig."
Ken Koenig (SFS'63), the
Fanner's top (and only) pitcher,
denied Zemsky's allegations. "I
deny Zemsky's allegations. It's
ridiculous. Just look at my ERA
(27.50)."
Anne Hargaden (SLL '82),
coach of Little Annie's Fanners,
was disappoin ted by the news.
"Oh foul!" she cried. "I'm disappointed at the news. He has a
really nice ass."
disturbed by the recent chain of
events. Commented Ryan, "I am
extremely disturbed by the recent
chain of events."
Even more furious was the
Georgetown Student Senate. The
senators were angered that Fr.
Ryan did not consult them on the
outbreak of war. Senator Bruce
Ledewitz (SFS'OO) threatened to
declare the Nepalese ambassador
persona non grata. HOYA State
Department source Melaine Bieros
expressed the fear that this could
bring Nepal into the conflict.
Student Government Vice President Sue Kinnear (C'69) promised to send Senator Deborah
Insley (SFS'58) to keep an eye on
the conflict. "She's always sticking her goddamn nose where it
doesn't belong and I welcome the
opportunity to send her to
Nepal."
Retorted Insley, "I welcome
the opportunity to vegetate in
Nepal. After all, I'm always stick.
ing my goddamn nose where it
doesn't belong. And, sex cannot
be denied." The matronly senator
was then struck by a warne iron
hurled by her political Svengali,
Rich Burke (BURP'62).
White House Press Secretary
Sue Johnson issued a release
which maintained the President's
firm belief that we were faced
with a crisis. It was further
implied that one of the causes of
the war was the desecration of a
famed German patriot of the past
by a prominent Washington newspaper. It seems that the hero's
photo had been retouched to
make him appear as an American
University President.
Commented University Treasurer Christian Shwarz-Schilling,
"I am concerned about the effects
this will have in D.C.'s Chinatown.
Most of the residents are old,
speak little or no English and are
poor."
He then drew up a mandate to
create a Commission on Campus
Media. The purpose of the Commission is to su bvert the media to
engender false student support for
the return of AFROTC in the
wake of the war.
Reporter Persecuted
DIANE BURKIN
HOY A Reporter Diane Burkin
was mercilessly badgered last
evening in the pursuit of her
journalistic calling. Covering a
Macke food riot, Burkin felt a
sudden urge to use the porcelin
facilities.
Bolting up the stairwell, she
was refused entrance at the door
by 23 campus security guards, 4
resident Jesuits and a girl scout.
This sort of maneuver cannot
go unrelieved. I must protect my
reporters whatever the pressure
and was pleased to grant Burkin
relief from the hands of oppression.-Ed.
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The HOYA
Mond8y, April 1, 1974
editorial
Happy Birthday to Us
General Weaver. One time during the
campaign he was at a cocktail party thrown
by Alice Longworth Roosevelt, his dear
friend, whom he affectionately called
"Mama."
When the General spilled part of his drink
The guest speaker at our fiesta will be on the carpet, Ms. Roosevelt commented: "If
General James B. Weaver, Presiden tial candiyou were my husband, I'd box your ears in."
date of 1892. The General well speak on "The
Weaver chided her: "And if you were my
New Morality."
wife, I'd beat the -hit out of you, you ugly
Few recognized the ebullient wit of broad.
The HOY A is today 54 years, two months
and 13 days old. In recognition of this
auspicious event, we are sponsoring a 54th
year, second month, 13th day anniversary
celebration.
As The Krogh Flies
The HOYA notes today the resignation of
Dean Peter Krogh of the Foreign Service
School. Truly, his is a timely resignation, for
this vicious killer of some of God's finest
creatures has been a misfit in academia ever
since the day that he organized the attack
upon the birds in Graceham, Maryland.
We find it indeed ironic that a man with the
name of Krogh could be so mercilessly
ruthless in attempting to run these defenseless, winged creatures of beauty from their
rightful nesting places in the forest. We find it
doubly despicable that this man named Krogh
was willing to sacrifice these innocent
creatures to further his political ambitions as
a candidate for Maryland House of Delegates
from Graceham.
Truly, Peter Krogh is for the birds!
Support Your Local Sherriff
With the recent rash of events reported in
today's HOY A, we felt that the many
situations that have arisen have arisen as a
result of poor communications in the
University community. Therefore, since we
are one of the finest college newspapers in the
country, we felt that we ~wed it to ourselves,
and to you, our devoted readers (both of
you), to relentlessly seek the truth.
Because we feel it is our sacred duty to
print all the news that fits, and because we are
tired of finding out about things in the other
campus newspaper, we have decided to form a
special investigative team to look into such
matters as the Corbett suicide, the War with
Germany, the abolition of Students, the
abolition of Fr. Kelley's job, the marriage of
George Houston and Patsy Rueckel, the
Krogh resignation, and all the other events
reported in today's blockbuster issue.
Remember, anyone we question in
connection with our investigations is honor-
bound to tell the truth, because its a sin to
.tell a lie. If anyone-and by this we mean the
D.C. Police, too-interferes with our investigations, why we'll just incorporate and come
out two or three times a week.
Our investigations will be reported beginning next week in a special column
tentatively entitled "Getting Straight." Because of the recent allegatjons concerning our
objectivity, we feel it is absolutely necessary
to the success of our several investigations to
be entirely above suspicion and open and
honest with everyone. We will use this new
column to immediately release to the
University community any new information
we may have gathered from secret filing
cabinets, etc.
With the establishment of this new column
and the crack investigative team we have
assembled, campus journalism ~i Georgetown
has taken a giant step. Great Caesar's Ghost!
Professional journalists would be proud!
rostrum
by Richard Duncan
Presidential Advisor
Needless to say, also too, and consequently. Verily Watergate is
less a scandal than the W.P.A. The problem with America is not
Watergate but Cincinnati.
What America needs is (Can
you guess?) the Republican Party
in 1976, led by such nearsighted,
needless to say, men as Arch
'Moore and Hiram Fong of South
Carolina.
If the country had MooreFong, there'd probably be less
crap, also too. This has been
proven time and again, from the
days of Daniel Drew to the
Granger days of millions of wheat
~., .
farmers. No crop!
Moore-Fong aside, it may well be that President Nixon, perhaps
the most astute statesman since James G. Blaine was carted away in
a wooden box, is facing a bum rap. Any Republican in the wood,
should be able to figure out that the only one slow enough and dull
enough to botch up the job was Ivan Cats, needless to say.
In short, we'll pick up next week when Dr. Brown talks non-stop
in an attempt to break the Tibetan record for most useless word,
uttered in a minute established earlier by Roger Cochetti.
·1
News
I. P. Daly. Spiro Agnew. James WIles, Bob Bates
Carmen Castillo. Lois Lane. Henry Aldrich. Joe Srrord, and Ears
News Feu tures
Lance Rerrtzet, Red Reed. Walter Wmchel,
Miles Sturgess Poindexter
Production
Charo
....
Pho tograph y
Eastman Kodak. John the Baptist. JackIe Oriassis, J. P. Getty.
THE HOY A
Editorial Assistants
Established January 14, t 920
Spina Kolinsky, Fran Connorskv , Marie Tuitesky,
Draneskv , Rosemary Woodsky
Marcia Van Dyck elected editor, March 31, 1974
Collapsed, April I, 1974
Copy
Jame Babv , Society for Girl Frrdavs
THE BORED BROADS AND OrnER BORES
Cartoonist
Mr. Friedricks of Hollywood. Scripto
The Great Wazoo,Editor-in-Chie{
Black Bart, Production ManDger
Flash, News Editor
Fang. Features Editor in absentia
Brenda Starr, Assistant News Editor
Little Annie Fannie, Sports Editor
Mark Eden, Arts Editor
Ms. Honeywell, Photography Editor
Ms. Royfax, Copy Editor
Business
Joe Lhota, Robert Vesco, BIlly Sol Estes. Bobby Baker.
Ted Agnew. R. M. Nixon, H. &< R Block. Mr. Spock
Coke'fI Chips, Business Manager
JOE. Advertising Manager
Little MIss Muffet,O{{ice Manager
Ging, Circulation Manager
Sports
Mary Fenlon. John Thompson. Frank Rtenzo. Jack Lang.
Betty Underwood. Miss Alba
Columnists
Ivan Cats, Jack Billingham, Jerald Mercury, Jamell Flynn
Rev. Virgil E. Homer,Assassin
Beagle Boy, Ass Editor
Arts
Writher 8.P.C. Brown
Charles Atlas
Hurlee
The Gay Blades:
Ms. Divine
Jack Billingham
Picasso Pablo
Groucho Marx
Say Hey WilIie
Say Hey Shea
This psece of crap IS published whenever the girls let tile guys out of the dark room, wiuch is rare considering who
Quote
"Want a ride home?"-Senator
Edward Kennedy, July 19, 1969
0111'
PIIOIO Editor is. However, she is fun. Address all correspondence to Tilt' Voice 'cause they have the investigative unit.
Tius RAG is composed by FelIX and printed by Obie,
Tile bo ose , broads. gm and wn Shown through ou t the paper are libelous but suggestive. The Universit y suppresses us.
You can ask Max Rueckel, who really bites when we write.
L---
~
Mond8y, April 1, 1974 .. The HOYA
..... 6
comment
Chick Chics
All the Dirt that Frts...
by Snooper & Blabber
Well, darlings, here we are
again with the juiciest tidbits we
could find about Goo's Social
Scene. Unfortunately, it's been
rather dull this year, since the
departure of the Silver Fox and
Polly Plummer and the demise of
Dick McSorley's chic nightspot,
"Le Soupe." Dick's now into
pants (a la Farah). Is it true he is
going to be the Godfather of
Philip Berrigan's child?
However, things may be picking up. Here's some inside info on
where the action is these days.
For example, the Voice Board
of Editors were seen treating Eric
Sevareid to a gourmet meal at Le
Petit Tavern. Eric especially loved
the "cafe froid."
Another French favorite is La
Centra Cafe, an intimate nook in
the historic Healy basement area.
The East Campus Set prefer to
flock to Eugene's (formerly
Charlie's) for liquid refreshment
between classes.
The Chimes may be moving
from the Tombs to Pier Nine, due
to their forced merger with the
Women's Caucus, spearheaded by
the fiancee of Harry Belafonte, a
Chimes ex-neophyte.
This year it's Return to the
Classicswith the Lacost nightshirt.
There was a rash of panic buying
of the famous Lacost shirt when a
rumor was spreading that their
price would skyrocket. To keep
up with the increased demand, the
GU Shop will open a new
"Lacoste Room," headed by Mr.
Max, our favorite sales clerk.
Always ahead of his time, Dean
Krogh has initiated The Gatsby
Look with his new hairdo and ice
cream parfait suits. Keith Forte
take note.
We hate to say this, but long
dresses at basketball games are
strictly passe. However, we love
the new "uniform" look for
women seen in the ROTC girl's
blues, designed by Halston for
Albert Loy.
Another rumor which distresses us more, is that Father
Henle, suffering from the same
dreadful disease
as Georges
Pompidou, has not been out of
Healy Building for three months,
except when he was rumored to
have stuck his head out of doors
on Ground Hog Day.
"The exorcist" is dead but Miss
Divine lives. The 300 pound
transvestite was last seen in
Gorman auditorium, upon special
invitation of the person who pulls
the purse strings in SEC, making a
new movie about gay life at
Georgetown. This was financed by
the recovered "lost" money of the
S.E.C.
Whatashaft
God and Quigley at G.U.
by Leopold Loeb
For the last two years, a
column has appeared in this space
featuring interviews with some of
WaShington's most prominent
people. The subjects have run
from Presidential aides, to newspapermen; most of them boring
little men, some less boring than
All for Family Planning
Want to Fool Around?
t
by Ken Volk
.0;
.;~
Contributing Editor
~.
Several thousand Georgetown students are
,,: now undergoing "behavior modification"
:~ brainwashing as part of Patsy ("Mama")
.:t Rueckel's plan for a military-fascist takeover
.~ of the United States, this column has learned.
7~
lf you have been labelled "hyperactive" or
h "anti-social" or if you are said to have
!f. "minimal brain damage" or "learning disabil~ ities" by Rueckel's Student Health Service
~ doctors and shrinks, then you are probably
headed for a mind destruction program
headed by the number two honcho in the
S.D.S., Valerie ("B.") Yokie.
Never allow yourself to be placed in any
so-called "therapeutic" or "special" program
without checking it out first. Mama has been
.: . around a long time, and she's an expert at
.'t' snowing students.
~.
While there are some legitimate psycho:'- therapeutic programs, the majority are controlled by Rueckel and her gang through such
~. G.U. agencies as GULC, GLAS, GSO, and
rt A.A. or through foundations like Students of
t Georgetown, Inc., and the new dummy
corporation she's setting up through The
Voice. They brainwash students through a
variety of coercive techniques. Stay away
from:
I.
t
• Any Drug Program. Three thousand
Hoyas are addicted to mind and body-crippling drugs including aspirin, penicillin,
vitamin C and others. Side effects include
marked anxiety, nausea, (especially after
eating), dizziness, and headaches. Students
often sit for hours doing nothing (this
phenomenon can be observed frequently on
the stump) and often burst into uncontrolable
University President R. J. Henle, S.J., greets an admirer in Dallas this
week after announcing that he has raised the last dollar in the
Mandate 81 fund raising drive. Fr. Henle was in Dallas to deliver an
address to the graduating class of the Sam Houston Institute of
Technology, before leaving to speak to students at the Farmer's
University of Central Kentucky. (Photo by "Zap" Ruder)
tears. Students taking these drugs can neither
learn nor think .
• Any "Behavior Therapy." Reuckelian
"token economy" programs are common on
the Hilltop with Patsy and her crowd.
Students are forced to "earn" tokens as
rewards for keeping their mouths shut when
they see the rampant corruption of the
student development staff, staying in their
dorm rooms and withstanding the drudgery of
New South Cafeteria. These tokens are then
exchanged for "rewards" such as housing
lottery admittances and paint-by-number sets.
a biggie with Val Yokie. Look for special key
words or code phrases, such as "consciousness-raising" and "Affirmative Action Committee" which may be repeated obsessively by
all members of the program.
• Any Encounter Group Program. Socalled humanistic methods-encounter groups,
sensitivity sessions, transcendental meditation, and streaking-are being introduced to
Georgetown on a large scale. These programs
undermine student's individuality and creativity. Instead of curing mental illness. they
make it worse, often producing homosexuality. The Gay Students of Georgetown
Group is one manifestation of Rueckel's
cynical plan.
• Any methadone plan. Methadone was
invented by the Nazis, originally named
"dolophine" after Adolph Hitler. Its purpose
is population control, through deadening of
the mind.
If you fear that you or anyone you know
is being brainwashed, report all SUSlJIC)OllS
persons to The HOY A. We an' forming a
special investigative unit to look mto Patsy
and her crackpot plan. We will report within
one year on this frightening program.
others.
This week, we have attempted
to interview Georgetown professors; to switch the focus from
the Capital at large to our own
little world. Yet you will notice
that no such Interview appears
here today. We shall offer explanations after the names of each
individual we tned to mterview:
Fr. Neil Twornblev was unavariable for intNvie~. Tho secretary at the Jesuit residence
Informed us that he was at the
Clothes Circuit on M St ree t,
purchasing bell-bottomed dungarees and a tank top.
Dr. Jim Hunter of the Geography Dept. was occupied preening a new batch of turkeys.
Fr. Horigan did not want his
37 year old sleep to be disturbed.
Fr. Judge was buving a new tie.
Dr. QUigley was too busy
informing Cod of what to do
next.
More Trush
Dr. Dick Walsh of the History
Department refuted that malicious rumor concerning Dr. Quig·
ley. Walsh Il> capable of making his
own decisions. thank you.
Fr. Freeze finally took Herdeggar seriously and went crazy.
Dr. Lev Dobriansky has ned to
New York to fight the Communist
takeover there under the direction
of that clever puppet of Moscow,
Abe Beame.
Professor John Badeau was
unavailable for comment. His
office was being hijacked by Dr.
Sharabi at the time.
Dr. Lew is Baker was occupied
with cracking several nuts, and did
not wish \0 be disturbed.
Dr. Karl Cerny of the Government Department would have
spoken with us, but he had calls
to return to Goering, Rudolf Hess
and Goebbles.
Dr. Joe Schiebel was so insulted that he wasn't on Cerny's
"calls to be returned list" that he
wasn't speaking to anyone.
Fr. King had just had his
evening cup of warm wax and was
communicating with the spirit of
Boniface VlII.
Dr. Bob Hillin was occupied,
complaining to Helen Gurley
Brown that it W~ Burt Reynolds,
not he, that was featured in that
centerfold.
Fr. Yates was busy writing his
new book wherein he claims
Alexander Hamilton was a liberal.
Dr. Dick Duncan, needless to
say, put us both to sleep Within
five minutes.
Electrifying
Foreign Service School Dean
Peter Krogh was Willing to speak
with us. bu t his electnfled teeth
and silicnne gums YiN£' Just too
dazzling for us, causmg us to leave
because Wp didn't have our
sun-giasse-.
Dr. Ello not only didn't Wish
to speak With us, but chased us
around the Nevils BUilding. brandishing a musket and pick-ax,
threatening our lives. We escaped
into the safe haven of Dr.
Atkinson's office, figuring that no
one m their right rrund would
want to go there.
Fr. Frank Fadner was occupied
beating up a peasan t.
Fr. Zrinyi was not only watching Fr. Fadner cane the peasant.
but he was handing him replacemerits.
Wilfred Desan spoke with us
for a half hour and we had no Idea
what he was talking about.
Bill Thaler threatened to blast
us to smitherines with his laser if
WP asked any questions, dammit.
Dr. E. Ray Bobo refused to
haw his name put in print.
George Houston. University
treasurer, was busy trying to
figure out how to break the news
to Fr. Henle that the University
was bankrupt.
Dr. Herbert Maisel, Computer
thief and nasty man extraordinaire was on a flight to Rio by the
time we arrived at his office.
having had the Computer pay him
over eighteen million dollars, thus
causing
George
Houston's
troubles.
FIUER. ,
~
..---J
-...J
E.AfTL,l
,\
...... 6
The HOVA
Mondey, April 1, 1974
arts
Dining Out
Blowing Lunch
by Hector E. Luisee
Everyone has heard of the Little Tavern, better known
to its frequent patrons as The Club LT. It is a welcome
addition to the melange of dining establishments in the
Georgetown area. Two of its locations (M Street and
Wisconsin Avenue) are within walking distance for the
tired, hungry student. I prefer the M Street Club myself.
The Club LT is where people go to be seen, -especially at
4 a.m. At this time one can catch one of the best circus
shows in town. It was here that the Voice editorial board
discovered one James Wiles. (In exchange for what ... one
wonders?) Why 1 was even seen there with my intimate
friend, Rudy Bing.
It is here that the real connoissuer goes, so naturally I
dine and snack there.
On a quiet corner of M Street near 33rd The Little
Tavern is run according to established traditions of the
European McDonald's.
The restaurant's decor might be described as being in
the neo-classical Grease tradition. Its service is quiet and
impressive. The patron can even watch the chef prepare his
meal as he sits on one of the comfortable stools at the
counter. An interesting aspect of Little Tavern is its
invidualized service-for not only is your chef the cook,
but he is also your waiter and bus-boy. In this way, each
patron feels that he could be right at home with either
Mom or Dad serving him.
,
.. .~
.
This unpretentious Club is a favorite of mine, not
only because of the high clientelle, including myself, but
also because of its reasonable price. Every item on the
menu is unquestionably superb for the expense.
A bowl of soup is obviously the best opener. Although
the menu is not extensive, one is always overly satisfied
with the meals.
I demand that one choose for the entree the house
'specialty' prepared in a way which is memorable to all: a
thick juicy, meaty chopped beef steak, served on an
exquisite, day-old roll. Mmmm! It is done so well that you
will want another and another before you feel even slightly
filled.
For dessert, if you don't intend on remaining at the
club, you can always get a take-out order of that
irresistible temptation, a bag of doughnuts. To eat even
one, let alone the whole bag, is a challenge even to the
most brave.
The bill at the end is always small, so, in order to keep
the tangy taste in your mouth, which is easily afforded, I
would suggest a take-home order of the entire meal-and if
you can't come back later, "Buy Them by the
~"-theY're so good toreheat and eat.
Stick It In You, Ea,
Birdy Birdy In The Sky
THE CONCEPTION. Key Theatre.
Remember when lines of girls
waiting to get into the Tombs to
"see the stars" extended up 36th
Street all the way to "P"? Last
year Georgetown fairly buzzed
with both the on-camera and
off-camera doings of the cast of
"The Georgetown Movie To Beat
All Georgetown Movies." Finally,
finally, it is out: last night, The
Conception, written by an alumna, Ms. Lulu Canoff, directed by
alumnus, W. "The Cat" Spensorio,
and starring two former Mask and
Bauble luminaries, Livia Pomme A
Roi, and P.P. Toussainti, debuted
at the Key Theatre in Georgetown.
The Conception is an updated
version of Luke 1: 26-56; 2: 1-21.
Father Montinivelli (P.P. Toussaintl)
a jesuit gynecologistobstetrician examines the pregnant Polly Costelloe (Livia
Pomme a Roi): "Yes, father, I am
pregnant," says the demure Miss
Costelloe, "but there's been no
hanky panky in my room."
Father Montinivelli acknowledges that the girl is, indeed, a
virgin, but "... in rare cases
pregnancy can occur without
penetration." (In exchange for
what .,. one wonders?) Upon
Polly's assertion that "some
bird did it," Father Montinivelli
sends the nursing student to the
Pyschological Services Center.
After a battery of tests, some
analysis, Gestalt therapy, and even
orgonotherapy, the girl is released.
"There's nothing really wrong
with the girl," says Father Juan B.
Cortes, who appears in a cameo in
the film.
Complications ensue when
Polly's parents insist she give the
child up for adoption.
GUNS and Residence Life bring
pressure on the girl to "leave for a
little while." Polly courageously
defends herself insisting that every
maternity and child care class
should have one pregnant member.
Father Montinivelli, increasingly aware of the girl's virtue and
intelrity,
experiences
what
amounts to a vision during Father
King's Christmas Mass.
When all are against Polly,
Fa the r
Mon tinivelli
comes
through. He delivers the baby
among a brouhaha tantamount to
a second Docetic heresy. Montinivelli proclaims that he will leave
the Church in order to marry
Polly, both having sworn perpetual virginity.
The film ends as the united
Montinivellis drive away from
Georgetown in a beat up Studebaker, ostensibly to prosetilize the
South, where the "miracles the
Child will perform will be accepted."
Visually, the film is stunning.
Spensorio handles the camera
with the same baroque nair Ken
Russels demonstrated in The
Devils. We know that we are in
the presence of a master of detail,
where every touch contributes to
the total picture of a Via Dolorosa.
Mr. Spensorio's taste for the
bizarre is also apparent: a young
coed begins a sensuous strip in the
President's office, three drunken
young men seduce three drunken
girls in the second Old North
corridor, two young men attend
Mass wearing only bishop's mitres.
The acting, too, is done to
perfection. Ms. Pomme a Roi,
particularly, moved one to tears
(
with the courageous set of her
chin, the innocence of her
slightly puckered lips, the tristesse
of her grey eyes. When she spoke
the crucial line, "It is fated,
Father," she brought the house
down. Moreover, in the harrowing
birth scene, the actress demonstrated courage; rumor has it that
a laser beam was implanted in
order to give the scene the proper
luminosity.
As Father Montinivelli, Toussainti displayed a wide range of
emotions. Particularly moving is
Toussainti's hummed version of
Londonderry Air£' and Persian
Kitten.
Undoubtedly, The Conception
will be the most controversial film
of the season. Undoubtedly, too,
the film will be nominated for
several academy awards which It
justly deserves.
The Conception raises many
questions: What is faith? what ts
good? what is evil? what is life?
what is death? what is realitv?
This film should go down in thl'
annals of film history as the film
which brought people back to the
values and beliefs which have
made our civilization great. The
Conception will be around for a
long time, perhaps as long as the
new Millenium lasts, but go and
see it now. All your friends will.
Mike Blatty
LETTER
Especially to the Arts Editor:
I would just like to congrayou for the splendid
tulate
section you have week after week.
I realize, with the University's
theatre as amateur as it is, it is
very hard to get anyone of any
notability to review their attempts
at entertainment.
Each article reflects the excellent judgement of the reviewer. At
times, due to the tremendous
quality of the material, I mistake
these articles for the professional
reviews done by such renown
journalists as Richard Coe, Clive
1
Barnes, or even Hector E. Luisi.
Such a pity that the Hoya lost a
reviewer of his caliber. (In eXchange for what ... one wonders?)
I fully respect your reviewers
for the complete honesty they
display in their articles. As a
would-be artist, and a full time
actor, I realize the extreme agony
they must have when sitting
through my meager attempts at
theater.
Once again let me comment on
your professionalism.
As never before
Bill Monroe
Monday, April 1, 1974
entertainment
-------------------------=--
Bobby Judge
why do they callit dope7
Dan "Head" Ryan and
Mac "Far Out" Chris ty
L.S.D. Stage One.
Mask and Bauble's annual Calliope opened last week and, to
quote Ken Kesey, "i t's defini tely
on the bus." L.S.D.: A Musical
Trip, was written by ubiquitous
Henri Karter "Annapolis" Shafer
and directed by the ever-talented
Dr. T.B. Murphy, B.S., M.S.,
Ph.T., is a totally psychedelic
experience. From its far-out songs
to its devoted dedication to
druggy detail, L.S.D. should
please straights and heads alike.
The basic plot of this year's
Calliope, staged at the Center Cafe
for dramatic and comic realism,
revolves around a young Hoya's
hedonistic experimentation with
the world of acid. Bobby Judge,
the hero of Shafer's saga, is a
screwed-up Nursing major with no
place to go but 'up, And up he
goes with the aid of his R.A.,
Barry Frank. (In exchange for
what ... one wonders?)
Bobby, stunningly impersonated by Louise Knauf in her first
male role, and Barry, convincingly
played by Bill "Mr. M & B"
Monroe, soulfully debate the
virtues of acid in the opening
tune, Take a Trip. With dramatic
flourish, the spotlight focuses on
'" Bobby's first tab as the trio of
Drugettes (Betty Huggs, Ellen
Pollant, and Hoya Editor Larry
Gordon) cut a mean rug on
overhead trapezes.
This musical tri flies b with
An early
Mac
Christy.
Bobby experiencing wonder and
fright along the way. First, Bobby
meets the Colors. Richie Connoloy, Nick Shitz, Phil Sambukki,
and Elaine Blahhsy appear in
hilarious cameos as Red, Blue,
Purple and livid Green. Their
be-bop rendition of The Rainbow
Rhumba literally blew my mind.
The same can be said for Schizo
Sonnata in which Julie Pomolive
uncannily creates Id, while Bob
MacMacam makes a heavy AlterEgo.
But the pre-intermission show
stopper, Windowpane Shopping is
just the limit. The fabulously huge
cast of 10 all appear in fabulously
designed packages as Windowpane, Blotter, Owsley Purple, and
Sunshine. Lowered from the
ceiling on a glitter festooned sugar
cubes, this musical advertisement
tops last year's Calliope in spiritual vibes.
Act II might sag a bit, but the
grand finale is a real rush. Bobby
and Barry, by this time, have
taken us on a flipped out trip.
Stifled by Hoyaland, and unable
to consummate their love, they
build a raft on the floor of the
Center Cafe singing the last
number: Paddling to Algeria.
Audience participation is encouraged. Tokes and tabs abound.
Who said M & B's days of glory
have past? L.S.D. certainly turned
me on. So see for yourself. Drop
out, turn on, tune out with this
year's Calliope.
Act II might sag, but Louis Knauf's performance as Bobby Judge sure
doesn't.
FLASH
Who IS Bill Monroe?
Diane Rogozinski
Vice-<:hairwomen -S.E. C.
Friday night marked the opening of S.E.C.'s new concert
schedule, revised for onl r the fifth
In .tdition to his musical talent, Mr. Monroe also dispt.yed a fine
lbilitV for *amatic reedi...
time this semester. S.E.C.'s new
chairmen, one
Bill Monroe.
claimed that as the thirteenth
S.E.C. chairmen, he "would not
let even one penny escape his
sight."
The scheduled performers, the
Beatles, cancelled at last minute
and were replaced by Mr. Monroe's new show. titled Bill
Monroe, One Man Band.
For his first number Mr.
Monroe sang a sweetly mellow To
Dream the Impossible Dream. If
one closed one's eyes, you would
have sworn it was Ringo Starr. In
fact. if one opened one's eyes you
would have sworn it was Ringo
Starr.
Not only did Mr. Monroe sing
and dance, but he played all of
the accompanying instruments as
well. Mr. Monroe's finest performance came in his original
instrumental, titled after his
favorite movie, I Was a Teen-age
Werewolf.
In all of the concerts I have
been to, I have never seen such a
truly talented performer, Mr.
Monroe, played, all at once, the
harmonica, drums, spoons, banjo
(you should have seen those
fingers fly) and accordion. Bravisimo!
After Friday's performance,
Mr. Monroe stated, "On to Hollywood! Bert Reynold's move over."
A
scout
for
Cosmopolitan
magazine, who just happened to
be in the audience, requested a
portfolio of photos from Mr.
Monroe. (In exchange for what
... one wonders") It would really
be a terrible loss if Mr. Monroe
left Georgetown. but c'est ill vie!
Once again, 1 must commend
Mr. Monroe for his last ditch
etfort and for saving the S.E.C.
from disaster.
BILL MONROE
I t was reported late last
night by ex-S.E.C. Chairman
Bill Monroe that $6,500 was
found missing from the S.E.C.
treasury. When asked to comment on the loss, Mr. Monroe
exclaimed, "But I was only
gone for ten minutes. I just
went to the Center Cafe for a
small Tab, but there was a long
line. I knew that I should have
had correct change'"
Mr. Monroe announced his
resignation only 15 minutes
before. He is planning a trip to
Hollywood this weekend, "To
become a star." (I n exchange
for what ... one wonders?)
As further comment on the
loss, Mr. Monroe said, "I guess
we'll just have to chalk It up to
experience. Once it's gone, it's
gone."
Un-Classified Ads
Situation Wanted
Book Fe tishist-rSeeks posrtion in
local library or book store.
Loving care guaran teed. Fast
Freddie Flaubert, Box 431"
Hoya Station.
Introverted, pseudo-critic. parttime amateur actor looking for
home, job, and friends. (In exchange for what '" one wonders?) If you can supply one or all
of above, call Bill 243-8964.
Willing to most anything call Ken
338-1838
Lessons-Instructions
Learn to Communicate with
nature-Meditation course consists of flower seeds, back
pack, bicycle reflector, and
John Denver Album. Send
$24.95 to "In Touch" Box 325
Radio City Music Hall, New
York, New York.
Be a Beautiful Person-kit (49.95)
includes sun lamp, Topsiders
(size 101;2 men, 6 112.7 women)
and sweat-shirt saying "Nassau
h for Lovers". Bonus-for S1
extra we Tl send you an auto-
graphed
Hargaden ,
picture
write
of
Anne
Kathy Box
1789 Copley Hall.
Personal
Young
curv ace ous
co-ed
(39-22·36) at local cornmunitv
college
seeks
INTENSE
INTELLECTUAL
COMPANIONSHIP with middleaged Jesuit-must want to DISCUSS Exorcism. Send picture
and I.Q. Billy-Joe Box 711
Copley Hall.
To the blonde I met on the last
day in Nassau. I have your
bikini top, call Kile 338-5172.
To the pig who took my bikini
top in Nassau-I have the
negatives of the pictures.
Young muscular male student
looking for same. For photography modeling only, no
strings attached. Fee to be
worked out. Send picture, no
I.Q. necessary. Bob Moon. Box
1847 Copley Hail.
Page 8
The HOYA
Monday, April 1, 1974
G. U. Veep Nearly Scalped
After Hair-raising Affair
by Norman Mailer
"secondary demands that fill the
A mob of nearly 50 female
gap between equality and the
liberationists invaded the office of
presen t chauvinist system." The
newly-elected Academic Vicelist was never read to the group,
President the Rev. Aloysius P.
however, since the members of
Kelley, S.J. Friday night, demandthe group could not maintain
ing than an anti-sexism course be
silence.
included in the approved curFr. Kelley, stifling a laugh,
riculum of the College next
questioned the "philosophical
semester. A riot was precipitated
objectivi ty
of the
proposed
when Fr. Kelley refused to take
course." He admitted that he was
the protest seriously.
finding it difficult to understand
A special investigative unit is
what the Caucus had to complain
about.
being assembled by this paper to
look into the matter.
Many of the protesters, after
Citing the "unrealistic attitude • being denied immediate credit
of the Georgetown male," the
approval, began a mass crying
Women's Caucus stormed the
demonstration. Others stomped
Vice-President's office, and retheir feet on the floor, and curled
fused to leave until a course
their lower lips in defiance of the
entitled "Dealing with Lackey
Vice President. One protester, in a
Running Dog Male Supremacists"
fit of rage, screamed, "I feel like
would be included in the Psychogoing out and buying a whole new
logy Department's course roster.
wardrobe!"
No one was seriously injured in
At the height of the disorders,
the melee, but several girls did
as tables and chairs flew, Fr.
complain about broken fingernails
Kelley was seen to be wearing a
after the incident,
cheerful smile, and could be heard
Crying "Sex cannot be demumbling to himself, "Bingo!
nied,"
group
leader
Grace
Now I can get my office done up
Anthony (SLL'64) jumped up on
like Ed's!"
Fr. Kelley's desk with a list of ~O
'>
•
The mob scene broke up
suddenly when one protester
turned to a friend and said, "Let's
go to the ladies room." With that,
the entire group followed them
out the door, although some did
lag behind for several minutes,
complaining of "long lines and
dirty seats."
An attempt was made to revive
the protest twenty minutes later,
but the leader soon discovered a
run in her stocking, and refused to
lead a protest in such a state. The
remainder of the
protesters
decided to stay in the ladies room
for two more hours, sharing each
others' gossip.
Summoned at the beginning of
the 30 minute disturbance, three
Georgetown Protective Service
officers arrived just in time to
help Fr. Kelley clean up his office
after the last protester had left on
her own.
Afterward, Fr. Kelley called
the incident "a real hair-raiser."
He went on to say that if these
protests continue, he "will turn
grey before my time."
«
I,
•
I
~
Angry feminists attacked the office of Academic Vice President AI Kelley, S.J., inflicting several dollars
worth of damage to the plush suite. (Photo by G. Steinem)
Ryan Streak on T. \I:
Tops IExorcist' Horrors
by Marlon Brando
Georgetown's Educational Affairs Vice President Rev. E. Granville Ryan S.J. was nominated this
week for an Emmy award as the
best male guest star on T.V. talk
shows.
The HOY A has assembled a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
Because of his 258 talk show
appearances in the past year, Fr.
Ryan was chosen along with other
famous guest stars such as Lassie
The Man From Glad, The Partridge Family, and The Very
Reverend Lee H. Bradley, Georgetown's
illustrious,
nationally
known commentator.
The award will give Fr. Ryan a
boost in his internecine battle
with Academic Vice President the
Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley, S.J.
His appearance on the Martin
Agronsky show last week assured
his nomination. Fr. Ryan performed an 11 th minute "streak"
across Agronsky's stage, to demonstrate the collegiate art of
streaking, on which Fr. Ryan is an
expert.
C.B.S. President Timothy F.
Hodgdon said "Talk show hosts
always like to have experts appear
on panels to discuss controversial
topics. Fr. Ryan is the perfect talk
show guest because he is an expert
on abortion, streaking, foreign
policy, domestic policy, home
economics,
middle-European
history, poker, hop scotch, aeronautics,
cybernetics,
moral
philosophy, croquet, exorcisms,
mental telepathy, osteopathy,
trigonometry, educational psychology, medieval British literature,
beer-chugging ...
Wanted:Young man to decant
bourbon for President of large
Jesuit UniverSity. Must also be
fluent in Mint Julip and Martini.
Call 625-4134
University President Fr. Henle does song and dance before Board of
Directors as College Dean Fr. Davis grins in background. (Photo by
Helen Keller)
Henle to Raise Bull
On Wild Latin Trip
by Eduardo Cue
Georgetown University President R. J. Henle, S.J. announced
at the last Board of Directors
meeting on March 15 that he
planned to travel to Latin America to oversee the G.U. program in
Paraguay, during his "mini sabbatical" this summer.
The HOY A is assembling a
special investigative unit to look
into the matter.
President Henle said last week
that his Latin American trip will
be referred to as an "Overseas
Funding Expedition O.F.E.)" He
insisted that this Latin American
visit was "essential to the financial
maintenance of the University."
University Secretary Daniel J.
Altobello outlined the program
yesterday, although he said "the
real title of the O.F.E. program is
'Outdo Fast Eddie.' "
Altobello said that "ever since
Ed Ryan got those 500 Germans
to come here, President Henle has
hardly been able to hold his head
up on Second Healy." He explained that various people have
been asking the President "What
have you done lately?"
"Therefore, not to be outdone
by Ed 'Fast Eddie' Ryan. the
President is going to Latin America to see if he can round up abou t
1000 Bolivians." Altobello said.
In an interview yesterday,
President Henle said that "I figure
1000 Bolivians certainly would
surpass Ryan's 500 lousy Germans. At least I wouldn't have to
sneak past Ryan's doorway on
Second Healy any more."
When questioned as to the
probability of getting 1000 Bolivians to come to G.V., President
Henle stated "If the Bolivians
won't come, we'll have to go into
Chile, and our last resort will be
Cuba."
After learning of President
Henle's new program, Rev. E.
Granville Ryan commented "For
every 1000 Bolivians he can get, I
can get 2000 Yugoslavians."
Let Others Wallow in Watergate,
On with the People's Business.
GOP 1976
For President:
Gov. Arch Moore
of West Virginia
For Vice President:
Senator Hiram Fong
of Hawaii
Men of Destiny ...
Men whose time has
come ... Men to pilot
America into her
third century ... Men
of Bicentennial vision
Clubs are now forming on
campus. Young, disenchanted,
poor, alienated students are
welcome.
Paid for by Moore-Fang President Committee, Susan Clark, Chairman, 225 State Avenue. Anchorage, Alaska 92364
1
Monday, April 1, 1974
The
. HOY A
PlIIIt 9
letters
Cheap Shot
o the Editor:'
I think you people have taken
me really cheap shots at us
ecently in your newspaper. Let's
face it, you people have been
building your teams for the past
43 years now, while we've "prouced a couple of national champions. If you think you're so great,
how come you don't play us in
football'?
Yours in Notre Dame,
Ara Porseghian
(The HOYA points out that
Georgetown fielded the 1963
CAA Natiorwl Champion Polo
team. We further challenge Mr.
Parseghian and his school to
compete
with
us
in
IQ
exams.-Ed.)
The New Dream
To the Editor:
You've got your views and I've
got mine, but I really must protest
that Prof. Giles is not yet Dean of
the Foreign Service School. If this
is not rectified I shall be forced to
attack Healy Tower with a lead
pipe.
James Lioi
(Pipe down you deadbeat.
Can't you read? See page 1. -Mr.
Ed.)
illtop Alumni Leave
To Plague the World
Robert J. Dixon (C'66) has
cenUy been promoted to shiping clerk at the Los Angeles
arehouse of the Sears and Roeck Company. Dixon, former
'rector of Student Activities at
e Hilltop, has been with the
ompany for six months, and
cently returned from an around
e world cruise.
Susan
Palmer
JohnS'
SLL'67) is Director of Student
:Activities at Georgetown, replacg Robert J. Dixon (C'66). Sue
d her husband Mik,. (GULC
76) recently returned from an
ound the world cruise.
Mary Pat Michel (C'72) is
pedal Assistant to Executive
ice President for Educational
Affairs Edmund G. Ryar, S.J.
Charles Impaglia (C"?'?) is tending bar at C1ydes.
Donald Caspar (C'70) is still
drinking at Clydes.
Art Wheeler (SFS'73) is a
security guard in Bernardsville,
N,J.
Steve Wilkins (C'69 and GULC
'72) is assistant intramural di·
rector at the Hilltop. He is
currently touming Europe.
J. Garvin Walsh (C'72-73·74etc.) is collecting garbage in Hoboken, N.J.
Royden B, Davis (C'42) is
Dean of the College at Georgetown. (The reader can obviously
tell that this is our April Fool's
issue-Ed.)
Satire
To the Editor:
I don't know, what do y'all
want to write about this week? I
don't feel much like writn' a
letter, so why don't y'all just use
the space any way y'all want?
Keith Fort
Professor of English
Kan't Do It
To the Editor:
What is value? What is truth,
prudence, justice? But we'll get to
these later in the course. I'll see
you Tuesday.
Philosophically yours,
Rocco Porecco
Happy Hoopster
To the Editor:
I am writing to thank all my
wonderful friends at Georgetown
who helped me make one of the
most difficult decisions of my life.
I can report to you that I am
happier now than 1 ever was on
Wanted:
NEWS WRITERS
FEATURE WRITERS
SPORTS WR ITE RS
ARTISTS
Anyone interested in
working on the exciting
Georgetown University
Weekly Newspaper is a
God-damned Fool.
Free Fun - Free Beer .- Pack your
equipment and get in gear-
Win a Keg for
these events:
Tennis match -
10:00-11:00/3:00 finals
Walking Marathon Keg Hunt -
1:00
3:30
Soft Ball Game - 4:00
Dance Contest - 8:30 RAT
NARDS
Sat. April 6
Trinity College
the basketball court, and these
jebbies are the greatest team I ever
played on. Thanks for your
feature story on me last year.
Yours in Christ
Merlin Wilson, S.J.
Wily Shark
To the Editor:
I have in my possession some
tapes which are very incriminating
to certain very well known female
members of the ranks of the vice
presidents of this University, but
of course I can't reveal any
names. However, I can release the
substance of the tapes if you
hurry. Time is of the essence,
because some big guy in a red
plaid coat with glasses and black
hair is trying to steal my tapes.
P.S. Got any old filing cabinets
I can borrow?
Neil Shankman
Wowl
To the Editor:
I feel like raping and smoking
marijuana every time I hear Negro
music.
Rev. Lee H. Bradley, S.J.
Theology Department
For Sale-2 truckloads Teamster Iceburg Lettuce, fine
quality, like new. Must sell
due to unforeseen emergency.
Contact John Bengiovi
Home Sweet
Home
To the Editor:
We are announcing the establishment of a unique service
designed to snare a husband. This
service is a lot of fun and will help
Georgetown's female population
earn their way through the Hilltop. Call 338,1917 and ask for
"Jay."
Jay and Luci
Foe of Freedom
To the Editor:
As Mark Twain once said,
"rumors of my demise are greatly
exaggerated." In a spirit of conciliation, however, I will not bring
you before the campus publications review board. You better
stop, though, or I'll freeze your
budget.
P.S. Can I have the Rostrum
next week?
Glenn Corbett
Toad Talk
To the Editor:
I have a very important announcemen t to make concerning
the future of Georgetown University. Unfortunately. I have to
write it because I have a frog in
my throat. Can I have a column?
Jack Leslie
Hi - I'm Ann
Fly Me
Fly Ann to Alban Towers
aboard the student govern men t
"yellow snail!" Don't be fooled
by the close resemblance to a
worn out school bus, the yellow
snail shuttle service will wisk
you along its Wisconsin Avenue
route with all the comfort and
style of a sixteenth century
privy.
Powered by a powerful young
man at the pedals, the yellow
snail completes its twenty block
route in under three days.
Departures come every two
hours or whenever the driver is
tired of getting stoned, whichever comes last.
Fly Ann
Fly Shuttle
..... 10,
lbe HOYA
Monday, April 1,1974
Roller Derby Franchise
Arrives at Georgetown
by Ball Bearing
Georgetown University has
organized a roller derby team
which will compete on the national level, Athletic Director
Frank Rienzo announced today.
According to the Rev. R.J.
Henle, President of the Roller
Derby Foundation, it cost approximately three million dollars
to purchase the team. However,
some critical legal problems have
developed.
Prominent roller teams on the
East coast have objected to
establishment of a team in the
Washington area because they feel
- that it will take away from crowd
Members of Georgetown's roller derby team getting in shape for
attendance. Player-manager Vinny
upcoming competition. Looks like a big year for derby action on the
Gandolfo of the infamous Washmore Cats expressed his concern:
Hilltop. (Photo by Ring Rot)
Academic StreakingAdded
To G. U. Course of Study
by Peter Moss
The Rev. Fr. Aloysius Kelly,
newly appointed Academic V.P.,
has announced that streaking will
be offered next year as an elective
in the Classics Department.
With the recent innovation of
streaking in the Georgetown
community, Fr. Kelley feels that
it should be added to the
academic curriculum. However,
the decision did meet with some
debate.
Athletic Director Frank Rienzo
felt that the intramural department should have been responsible for the new course offering.
"I can't abide by the decision to
have streaking listed as an academic course. Sure, it does take a
certain degree of intellectual aptitude, but my department has the
finest physical specimens that the
school has to offer. Since Greg
Schulz appeared in the four: page
foldout of Playgirl, the letters
have not stopped coming. I want
the Athletic Department to offer
streaking so I can get to do it
too!"
Since the recent decision by
Fr. Kelley, swarms of faculty and
administrators have been seen
streaking in the Washington area.
One Georgetown student reported
that he saw, or thought he saw,
Daniel Altobello and George
Houston jogging sans vestments
around the reflecting pool near
the Washington Monument.
When asked if this was a true
citing, Altobello said, "Of course
that was us. George and I are
getting in shape for the upcoming
Streaking Invitational to be held
at Georgetown in April. Fr. Henle
said that if we don't give a good
showing, we're fired."
Recently during the dinner
hour at New South cafeteria,
students were in an uproar as
certain faculty members who wish
to remain anonymous streaked
through the crowd. Dr. Patricia
"Gurlie" Reukel accompanied by
Fr. Lee "Love" Bradley scampered through the dining room.
They were heard to have been
streaking to the tune of "I wanna
be free."
As the two headed for the
finish line (Fr. Henle's office,
Patsy made a quick stop at the
salad bar for a pic-me-up. In the
meantime, her pooch Alfalfa, was
struggling to keep up with his
commandant and he had to be
rushed off to student health after
suffering acute exhaurtlon. When
interviewed,
Alfalfa
barked,
"Master told me to bring along
her clothes just in case security
saw her."
Fr. Bradley also used the
crowd gathering as an opportuni ty
to lecture on the corrupt morals
tit
t
Patricia Reukel is offering free advice for students on I..rning the art of
correct streaking. "Aunt Pa1Sy" hopes to encourage all students to join
in the fun. (Photo by I.e. You)
of today's young people. "I just
want to make it perfectly clear to
you children that unlike what
most people think, there is a
definite
relationship between
streaking and divorce. And furthermore, one out of every three
marriages fail because of premarital streaking."
As the duet approached Fourth
Healy, they ran into Fr. "Pop"
Schweder on his return streak
through Visitation Convent. The
trio then was seen streaking off
into the sunset with Alfalfa and
Cardinal O'Boyle not far behind.
"Duh, we din, dab, dat da new
club will duh, take our fans away
from our team. We have a fan club
which every joiner gets an autographed pair of skates free. We
dink dats pretty damn good and
already our prescriptions are
down for this year."
Fr. Henle has delegated 8
female squad to compete in the
Spring and a male squad for Fall
and Winter competition. At a
recent faculty meeting, it was
disclosed that Dean Peter Krogh
of the Foreign Service School, has
been elected coach of the
women's team.
Fr. Henle is eagerly awaiting
opening day for the Hilltop
Hyenas on May 2. "If Krogh does
a good coaching job and the girls
have a successful season, perhaps
alumni might give the school some
money so we can build a roller
arena to build yet another Georgetown dynasty."
Father Henle To Tap
Hilltop Track Budget
by Jock Strap
It's a drastic measure, but
we've got to do it to keep the
University running in the black,"
remarked Georgetown President
R.J. Henle, S.J. commenting on
his decision to tap the track team
bodget for funds to run the
University .
Fr. Henle's decision was made
last week, when he was informed
by University treasurer George R.
Houston that the Mandate 81
funds, previously tapped for University fiscal maintenance, were
completely exhausted.
Traek coach-Athletic Director
F. Xavier Rienzo said yesterday
that "they'll have to fight us
before they get a cent of the track
money." Rienzo later said that
the "us" he was referring to was
he and his two other track
coaches, Hans Lang and Fritz
Linden.
Rienzo explained yesterday
that "in no way could he cutback
the budget of the track team,"
except possibly to cut his own
salary, "which is totally out of the
question." "I think we have to
look at priorities around here," he
said~.~_
University
Secretary
H.R.
"Dan" Haldebello said that "Fr.
Henle will be prepared for a
shootout at McDonough, but that
he hopes it will not be necessary."
This year's track budget reportedly totals about $130 million, although Rienzo will admit
to no more than $123 million.
"The money's ours and Henle has
no business asking me for any. If
he can't balance his own budget,
that's his problem," Rienzo
stated.
Foul Shots
Much Ado About Nothing
by Dave "the Rave" Kopech
The job of Sports Information
Director is a laborious and formidable one. Indeed, every mother
dreams of her son one day
becoming Sports Information
Director at a major university.
However, not every boy is
fortunate enough to be born with
the talent and smarts necessary to
be chosen for such a prestigious
job.
Georgetown's own Frances
Connors is one of these unique
persons. Since Fran came to the
Hilltop two years ago, he has
relentlessly pursued the pursuit of
information. Owing to his dedication, however, Fran, like most
men in his field, has become an
eccentric. The incredible pressures
connected with his job have
forced Fran to make adjustments
in his lifestyles to the point of
becoming a recluse.
Connors has been so successful
that he has seemed, at times, to be
an imaginary figure. But rumors
of his existence have been confirmed by a source known only as
"The Raven," who claims to be a
close confidant of Connors. The
Raven disclosed that Connors has
been hiding out for two years in a
place no one ever thought to
look: the SID's office. For two
years, Fran has been huddled over
his desk, desperately trying to
avoid the limelight.
Although this reporter was
incredulous, Fran Connors was
indeed in his office. After much
wheedling and cajoling, he finally
consented to an interview.
When questioned as .to the
nature of his job, Connors could
only reply, "Uh, I dunno, not to
know some trifles is a praise."
Connors denied, however, that
he was a college graduate. "How
did you find that out," he
demanded. "That's not for publication! "
Connors did admit that he has
faced many difficulties in the post
he has successfully defended from
all assaults for the past two years.
"I first found out that it could
be rough when my secretary
didn't show up and I had to type
the stats myself. I quickly enrolled in typing school, and I'm
up to 45 words an hour now. Of
course, nobody told me that I had
to be able to read, either, but I've
taken care of that, too. Mary
Fenlon helps me out on Saturday
nights, and I've come a long way
from the comic strips."
The elusive SID views the fact
that Bill Lynn was named to the
ECAC team of the week without
anyone finding out as his greatest
achievement. "Man, I really put
one over on the Washington Post.
They never did find out about
that one," Connors exulted.
The job has had its disappointments for Connors, as wel1. "I
really felt bad that Vince Fletcher
couldn't play this year. I think he
would
have been an AllAmerican."
Georgetown Sports Information Director Fran Connors has
come a long way. And hopefully
he'll keep on going.
FRAN CONNORS
Mondey, April 1, 1974
The HOYA
Page 11
In the ShowelS with Anne Hargaden
Onward Athletic Supporters
Sports Jingle: Athletic Department Admits
Male Inferiority.
Georgetown's bonging team as they appeared before their big contest
Saturday. Faculty members seem psyched for match. (Photo by I. M.
High)
Faculty Get Wrecked
At Gym Bong Contest
i
I
\.
!'
by Little Orphan Amphetamine
The Athletic Department held
its second faculty Intramural
Bonging Tournament this past
Saturday in McDonough Gymnasium, Frank Rienzo, Athletic
Director, announced yesterday.
"The reason we didn't announce the match before hand
was because of the nature of the
contest; we were afraid that too
many kids would show up to hoot
and cheer their favorite faculty
members and to make them feel
self-conscious.
At the first contest, which was
formed to help relieve the tensions of those faced with the task
of giving exams, many female
students showed up to cheer on
their favorite, Father Paul "Iron
Lungs" Waterpipe. Overwhelmed
by all the enthusiasm, 01' "Iron
Lungs" got carried away and
inadvertently set Gervase Hall on
fire.
"We wanted this to be a clean,
well-run, contest," commented
moderator and economics professor, Father Joseph Zryni. "At the
last contest, there was no moderator and things got pretty heavy.
Father Judge started saying the
mass backwards and Professor
Donald Herdeck started to bellydance. This time I was there to
make sure that the Marginal
Propensity to Consume did not
exceed the Capital Consumption
Allowance and that the Marginal
Utility of the last toke. at least,
was sufficient to keep the contestan ts on their feet.'
Judge Roland "J." Flint, after
six hours, declared Father Ted
"the Hed" Hooka the winner
repeating his last winning score of
143 Bongs. Most of Father
Hooka's opponents, including
Bernard Gorda and John "the
can" Benglovi, had already passed
out among the bleachers or fled to
Blimpies,
However Dr. Robert "Panama
Red" Lager, who placed second,
with a score of 112 Bongs, was
heard to mutter, "It's all those
kids on first New South, they give
Hooka so much practice it's
unfair. "
The only serious casualty was
Joseph Lemoine, who, upon passing out after the second Bong
was rushed to the infirmary, with
team physician Dr. Baker, for
artificial respiration. Caught two
hours later at the Tombs, over a
double-Martini with some "sweet
'ole gal" (who just happened to be
one of his accounting students]
Joe said, "Well- if they had had
some food right there I may have
been able to hold on!"
The food situation was in fact
the cause of the only attempted
infraction of competition rules to
mar the contest. Twice during the
evening,
Professor
Michael
Normile had to be forcibly restrained (by Father Freeze) from
rushing to an off-limits place to
munch on flowers and candle
sticks. Professor Normile, after 57
bongs, retreated to one of the
co n fessionals
mutterings,
"Umm-r Ahh, they might have
been good to eat. But then again,
they might not have been. How
can we be sure'?"
Asked for a statement about
the Success of the contest, Frank
Rienzo said, "Good, clean fun, to
help strengthen the mind and
body is what contests like these,
and indeed athletics as a whole,
are all about."
After too many years of male domination
in the athletic department, the MCP's have
finally conceded to female superiority in
Georgetown athletics.
It's about time that A.D. Rienzo hac;
recognized his rightful position as Women's
Athletic Director and Hoyette coach. Everyone knows that the women's
athletic
program needs rebuilding and that a woman's
touch is what the chauvinistic athletic
department needs.
As it stands now. the only real candidate
for Athletic Director is Mary Fenlon. Ms.
Fenlon has been around too long merely as
Thompson's assistant coach and her accomplishments now deserve recognition.
When Fenlon first came to the Hilltop,
women were functioning in servile positions.
The only time a woman was heard to express
her opinion was when she needed a new type
eraser or the key to clean the men's room.
But Mary proceeded to change the uppity male
hierarchy.
Upon arrival at Georgetown, the first thing
that Fenlon demanded was that women be
allowed to tryout and play on the men's
teams. "My role as academic advisor for the
players was crucial and we all know that girls
are smarter than boys," Fenlon commented.
This drastic transition proved successful as
Cheryl Nemetz provided the Hoyas this year
with persistent rebounding and scoring plus a
4.0 Q.P.I.
Fenlon's next attempt to liberate Hilltop
athletics came as Mary required female
admittance into all locker rooms. In keeping
with her policy, Mary held a contest to
determine who would be the lucky girl.
Coincidentally. Mary won and she made
history at the Hilltop by being the first
woman to enter the men's locker room. "I
was kinda embarrassed at first because all the
guys kept asking for my autograph while we
were in the showers," admit ted Fenlon.
However, Ms. Fenlon's greatest accomplishment is attributed to her unending
attempt to make women an integral part of
Georgetown athletics. Next year, owing to
Fenlon's recruiting, Coach Glacken's gridders
are preparing for a woman to quarterback the
Hoyas. "She makes wonderful passes and the
huddles sure are a lot more fun," commented
Scotty.
Surprisingly, outgoing A. D. Rienzo is
skeptical about Fenlon's achievements. "That
chick has done a good job keeping the players
in school, but how can she ever expect to
accomplish the great things that I did?"
Rienzo explained. "After all a woman should
be kept bare foot and pregnant so she doesn't
get out of control." added Rienzo.
So far the only person to express real
pleasure at Ms. Fenlon's oppurtunity is Ms.
Natalie Pararnskas, outgoing Women's Athletic Director. "I have always considered Mary
to be my best friend and bosom-buddy. I am
so happy for her but she had better remember
me for a good job next year or I'll take my
talents elsewhere," commented Paramskas.
The HOY A has often. been criticized for
being so negative towards Georgetown athletic'S. Well, now It seems that the athletic
department is indeed moving in the right
direction. For Ms. Fenlon and other female
athletic supporters, the HOY A commends
your efforts.
Betty Sings the Blues
Underwood Survives Murder Plot
by Alice Cooper
Tragedy struck the Women ''I
Athletic Department last week as
Coach Betty Underwood. estranged mentoress of the famed
Hoyetto hoopsters , was locked for
twelve days in the sauna.
It has been disclosed that
sources close to the Athletic Department, suspect foul play for Ms.
Underwood's
unfortunate
accident. Ms. Natalie Paramskas,
Women's Athletic Director. is
currently conducting an investigation into the matter.
The tragedy occurred during
Spring vacation when a Unviersity
administrator
reportedly
was
unable to open the door to the
sauna because it had been bolted
shut from the inside. After several
attempts to break the door down.
the University official, Pebbles D.
Pebbles (C'68) who intended to
use the sauna for health reasons,
called the Athletic Department
for assistance.
Unfortunately, ten more days
elapsed as the Athletic Department chalked the call up to a
phony
prankster. Finally, a
faculty member who uses the
sauna quite frequently discovered
that it was locked and heard faint
screams coming from inside. He
rushed to A.D. Rienzo and they
called for a locksmith.
After a grueling three hours,
they busted the door open, but
found no one. A faint voice was
still heard 0;0 they began an
extensive search of the sauna.
Canpus security was called in to
assist in the manhunt. Eventuallv
It became clear that owing to the
prlonged heat of 110 degrees, Ms.
Underwood was indeed under the
wood. Ms. Paramskas found Bettv
caught between the floorboards.
Since her frightening expvrience,
Ms. Underwood has
gradually been recuperating. However. her assistant coach Miss
Cindy Alba and team members
have been suspiciously in absentia.
Ms. Underwood when asked if she
suspected any foul play commen ted, "no commen t."
In the meanwhile, this reporter
discovered the secret hiding place
of Miss Cindv Alba and her
associates in crime. Miss Cindy
Alba, when confronted with the
truth to the "accident" said, .. Are
you talking to me'? My name is
Miss Cindy Alba and don't you
forget it!" After desperately trying to intimidate this reporter.
this reporter got scared and ran
away. After all, who wants to tw
locked in a sauna for twelve dav 5'1
So far, the investigations are
still continuing and Chief Prosecutor Pebbles D. Pebbles (no
relation) is awaiting new information in the case. Miss Cindy Alba,
as she left the hearings conducted
in the girls' locker room was heard
to say, "Come on girl!.. those
Shmucks can't prow a damn
thing. As long as WI' haw a
winning season we'rp in the clear.
But it pisses me off that thev
suspect us Looks Ii ke we 'II have
to try again next year."
SEC Presents:
:lite &ltitition~t
A
mu:<,ical e drauaqanxa jlarrin'}
Chuck "Don't look at me, I didn't
steal it" Lloyd
Diane "God I'm a Bore" Rogozinski
Jeff "Sour Grapes" Gray
and Felix as Healy Tower
"Pure Trash" - N. Y. Times
"A Bloody Bore" - London Times
"An Aborrunation"-:
Gene Sha//ax, NBC News
"About as Believable as Nixon"Washington Post
"An Abomination" - London Times
"Extremely Well Done" - Georgetown VOIce
call 338-5172 for details
$47.50onl !
$137.99 SES
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sports
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A·
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, WASHINGTON, D.C.
Page 12
Monday, April 1, 1974
Rienzo Fires Thompson
A thletic Director Quits
After Canning Coach
by Curt Gowdy
In a startling move last night,
Athletic Director Francis X.
Rienzo announced the firing of
John Thompson as head basketball
coach
at
Georgetown.
Thompson, who reportedly will
assume a position in the Boston
Celtics organization, will be replaced by none other than Lefty
Driesell, former coach of Maryland University.
The
decision,
probably
Rienzo's last before he steps
down to occupy the vacant
position of Women's Athletic
Director, was certainly not an
easy one. Despite receiving much
criticism from both the fans and
media about his handling of this
year's team, Coach Thompson did
manage to bring the Hoyas to the
.500 mark for the first time in five
years. This was not enough for
many people, however, since it
was generally felt that the Hoyas
had NIT potential. Instead of
absorbing the blame for the
failure of another "rebuilding
program," Mr. Rienzo became an
advocate of the "future is now"
philosophy. "I felt that a move
had to be made," Rienzo said,
"and I'm extremely satisfied with
the signing of 'the lefthander'."
Driesell decided to accept the
coaching position at Georgetown
after sophomore sensation John
Lucas announced his decision to
abandon basketball in favor of
tennis. "With Elmore, McMillen
and now Lucas gone," Driesell
said, "Maryland has no team
whatsoever, especially in the
ACC." When asked about Georgetown's prospects, Driesell replied:
"I definitely think that we can
become the N.C. State of the
North."
The Hoyas will certainly be
helped by the addition of Moses
Malone, the 6'10" schoolboy star
from Petersburg, Virginia, who
"can lead any program to the
promised
land."
Previously
headed for Maryland, Malone will
now follow Driesell to the Hilltop.
Another plus is the flaming of
Tom McMillen as an assistant
coach. McMillen, winner of a
Rhodes Scholarship, decided to
pass over both this opportunity
and a possible furture in pro
basketball in order to remain with
his former mentor. His special
assignment will be to work with
Merlin Wilson, who has exhibited
simllarities to McMillen's style of
play. In keeping with this individualized style of coaching, Monte
Towe, a Driesell rival for the past
three years, will be asked to
become Alonzo Holloway's personal tutor during the off-season,
As Driesell says: "I will stop at
nothing in my drive to have
Georgetown qualifv
for the
NCAA's next year."
At any rate, it should be
pointed out here that Hoya fans
will find a much different atmosphere next year in McDonough
Gym. Most notably, Fred Webb
and his band will be missing from
the Hilltop scene, as they will be
replaced by a simple chorus of
"Amen" from the fans.
.,
'
j
I
I
Coach Thompson during his playing days with Red Rienzo who begged ~
John to come to Georgetown only to give him the shaft two years later J\
(Photo by Frank Auerback)
\\
Fenlon Takes Over for Rienzo;
Seeks Broad Expansion of Duties
by Beaver Cleaver
Francis X. Rienzo, Director of
Athletics at Georgetown, will
soon step down from his present
position, the Athletic Department
announced today. Recently it was
disclosed that Rienzo was going to
resign as track coach, in order tospend more time as Athletic
Director. However, it now appears
that Rienzo plans to take over as
Women's Athletic Director and
Hova Hopes Sink
Three Natators Drown in Meet
by Livingston I. Presume
Three members of the Georgetown team drowned yesterday in
the tragedy scarred Potomac Invitational Meet. Seniors Joe Tenant,
Kill' Ozier and Junior Kathy Flynn
were caught in a rare, powerful
whirlpool which dragged them
under in the meet against Gal-
laudet and Fordham. Gallaudet
won the meet.
Swimming
coach
Keats
Baugher commented: "This comes
as a disappointment to us. We
were counting on Ozier to help us
next weekend against Manhattan." Baugher added that "We
would have lost two of them to
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PETER MORRIS
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SHARK SHANKMAN
graduation, so that replacements
have to be found anyway."
Hilltop Sports Information
Director Fran Connors told a
HOY A reporter, "How'd you find
out about that'? It's not for
publication."
Team captain Peter Morris
(GUNS '74), who sat out the race
with a stubbed toe, summed up
the team's feelings. Morris stated
that the swimmers would remain
buoyant despite the loss. Commented Morris, "The swimmers
will remain buoyant despite the
loss."
Athletic Director Francis X.
Rienzo immediately announced
that he would institute 11 reo
building program, similar to the
miracle worked with the track and
basketball teams, hoping to build
the swimmers into an Eastern
power. Morris said that the
rebulding program should be completed by 1987.
The shaggy captain growled
that this would not affect team
morale. "After a few puffs,
everything'lI be sky high."
Co-Captain Scotty Glacken
(DDT'78) feared that the tragedy
might hurt the team. He called
upon Rienzo to provide funds for
the team to take a training break
on the Riviera. Commented Glacken: "It would help the team if
we could streak through the
waters of France." Glacken is a
noted exhibitionist at the Hilltop.
However, Rienzo was not
kindly disposed to Glacken's
antics and pelted him mercilessly
with licorice jellybeans.
Meanwhile, memorial services
for the sunken swimmers is slated
for Dahlgren Chapel tomorrow at
10:00. All are urged to come out
and support the team.
In a related development, Neil
"Shark" Shankman agreed to
temporarily replace Kathy Flynn
on the squad. "Shark" was
deemed a perfect substitute for
Ms. Flynn, who was nicknamed
Flipper, in recognition of her
literary acumen. The "Shark"
said, "I expect to fill her shoes."
Flynn wore a size 61h, dripping
wet.
coach of the women's basketball
team.
According to University offi·
cials, Fr. Henle made the new
appointment after several seconds
of deliberation. "It was a very
difficult decision to make," Fr.
Henle commented. "Frank has
been contemplating this move for
two years, so we thought it was
about time to give him a try in the
women's athletic department. The
women's program is floundering
at this time, so Frank, in lieu of
his accomplishments as Athletic
Director, is the only qualified
person to rebuild the girl's department," Henle added.
Ms. Paramskas was quite
pleased when she was told Rienzo's decision. "I'm really vel!
happy for Frank. He and I had
been long-time friends and this
couldn't happen to a nicer guy [
knew he had been after my job
for years, well now he finally has
it. Anyway, if I can keep Fenlon
out of the picture, then I'll be in
charge of the WHOLE department
and nobody can push me around
again," said Paramskas.
So far, Rienzo has not shown
preference for either ladies. "/\<;
far as I'm concerned, I couldn't
care less. If they're dumb enough
to want the job, may the bP~t
woman win. Right now my only
concern is rebuilding the women"
basketball team. I think it will
only take about five or so years."
Fr. Henle is expected to
announce the winner within the
next week and, as the saying goes;
"To the victor belongs the spoils.'
I