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ON THECOVER
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60 THE THRILLOF THE RACE
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A boat, a bach, a caravan . three
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34 BLENDED
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Yes,thereis sucha thingas happy
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40 THE VINE ARTS
V i t i c u l t u r a l iJsat n eH u n t e ro n h e r
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HELEN BROWN
S h a r i n gh e r j o u r n e yt o r e c o v e r y
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53 WITHOUTHER
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168
DAWN FRENCH
A love letterto Lennyin this warm
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95 MONEYA cash-smart
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G R E E N E c o - f r i e n d luyp d a t e s
100
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172
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Debut novelThe Book of
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178
KATE ATKINSON
The authorat her best in When
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182 KATHYLETTE
To Love,Honour and Betray
w i l l n o t d i s a p p o i nfta n so f
Lette'swise-cracking
romps
SHIPS
RELATION
MAXIMI LLIENsits comfortabiy
TWELVE-YEAR-OLD
on the large, cushiony sofa in the cosy and siightly
shambolic lounge of the house he shares with his mother
Monica and step-father Colin So far, so ordinary. But
would it surprise you to ieam that, on this chilly latewinter evening, he is happily sandwiched between both
his step-father and his father Philippe, leaning up against
first one then the other, and seeming perfectly relaxed?
WE
ft k5rr
E
----
F
4 a-j alJ
Tonight Philippe is just visiting for the purposes of
the interview. But he's often here, popping in and out
to see Max as his demanding chefs job allows; at one
point he even had a house key It all seems very rational
and grown-up - that the adults, all three, can put aside
whatever issues they may have and rebuild a new sense
of family, for the sake of a child.
"It works because it's easier for it to work than for
it not to," Coiin says. In a pragmatic sense,he's right:
this kind of shared parenting gives both birth parents a
HAMILY
break, and time to recharge the batteries with their new
partner - something nuclear families often struggle with
It also means there are three people to share the load,
Yes,there is such a thing
as happy parenting after a
marriagebreak-up- so long
as we revisit our notion of
family and put the child first
WORDSMARGIETHOMSON
TONY NYBERG
PHOTOGRAPHS
heip with the homework and, on those rare occasions
when Max needs some firm guidance, he can feel the
full weight of those three pairs of eyes upon him. There
are definitely times when a child might see having three
active parents as a disadvantage.
One suspects that their particular kind of inclusive
family circie is rare. while civility is by no means
uncommon between separated birth parents, this sense
of entanglement, of completeiy shared agendas,is rare
enough that people constantly ask the three to explain
how they do it. The way they tell it, it's pretty obvious
and easy - it's just a matter of putting Max first, but
also acknowledging that the situation they are in is
'traditional'
nuclear family
something different from a
"The family circle must increase because there are
more people in your iife," Monica says. "Those old
relationships aren't severedbecause of our newer
reiationship The sense of family is greater than the
relationship between the couples. It's a question of
finding the maturity within yourseif. Our relationship
gives each of us a break and gives us strength Why not
share the parenting if you have that trust and you want
to seeYour child flourish?"
SFIAREDPARENT]NGGIVESBCTH BIRTHPARENTSA BREAK,AND
WITH THEIRNEW PARTNER
TI{E BATTERIES
TIME TO RECHARGE
_ SOMETHINGNUCLEARFAMILIESOFTENSTRUGGLE
WITFI
34
NEXr
RIGHT:Maximillienenjoysthe love,and firm
guidance,of three adultsin his life- from left,
mum Monica,stepdadColinand dad Philippe.
BELOW:FamilytherapistJan Rodwellsaysthe
re-partneredfamilyforcesus to re-thinkwhat a
good relationshipis.
New Zealandfamiliescountedin
Of the 1,057,502
wereone-parent-with-children
the 2006census,1-8.L%
- almost200,000families.If you acceptthat the average
number of children per family is just over two, we can
extrapolatethat there are at least400,000New Zealand
children whosebirthparents no longerlive together.
A 1987study by ProfessorDavid Fergussonof the
ChristchurchMedicalSchoolfound that 75%ofchildren
living in a one-parentfamily - or about 300,000children will go on to experienceliving in a step-familywhen their
parentsre-partner.This study,which was updatedin
2002with no changesnoted,concludedthat at least30%
of New Zealandchildrenlive in re-partneredfamilies- at
ieast for a period.However- and this is the killing blow
- the study found that almost two-thirds of re-partnered
familiesbreak down within their first four years.And it's
not that New Zealandersare parlicularly bad at making
theserelationshipswork - the figuresare echoedin the
United States,Britain and Australia.
Thesefigures are at oncehorrifiTingand desperately
36
NEXr
'getting'
sad Cleariy,there'ssomethingwe'rejust not
abouthow to managere-partneredrelationships.
family therapist
In her 2002bookRepartneredFamilies,
how backin 1989sheand a
JanRodwelldescribes
colleaguenoticed re-partneredfamilies had distinct
difficulties,and so the pair begansomediscussion
groups.Now she says:"My work with hundreds of repartneredfamilies sincethen, and my own experience,
leavesme standingin a very hopefulplace.These
families are forcing us to reconsiderwhat are the
ingredientsof goodrelationshipsand to learn new
ways of operatingso that roles and relationshipsare
negotiated,rather than simply taken for granted
"We can then createfamily environmentsdesignedto
suit eachparticular group of women, men and children,
rather than trying to force an ill-fitting family'mould'
from a previoustime and context onto these families."
Our culture is riddled with dark fablesabout stepfamiiies- Cinderellaand Hanseland Gretelare the
archetypes- that clearly describeour fearsof putting
non-biologicalparentsin chargeof children.Perhapsit's
time, as a culture, that we creatednew, inspirational
fablesof co-habitation,generosityand mutual respect.
RELATIONSH
IPS
Monica,Colinand Phiiippecouldtake the starring
rolesin such a fable,perhaps.Theyseemparticularly
flexibiein their notion of 'family', and unclutteredby
the jealousyand uncertaintythat dogthe rest of us
But for most people,parentingand step-parenting
are constant,self-questioning
challenges- veritable
odysseysof human emotion.I includemyselfin this
sorrymajority,havingbeenboth a stepmotherand then,
a fewyearslater, a re-partnered'biological
parent'with
two olderchildren,a new husband,and a new child.And
I can sharewith you that, with the best wiil in the worjd,
it's not uncomplicated.Ironically,it's when you'retrying
your hardestthat you are unwittingiy making the most
mistakes.How can this be?
The problemis that so many of us enterinto these
new family arrangementsdeterminedto play our role as
stepmotheror stepfatheras closeto the nuciearidealof
mother and father.But theseare not nuclearfamilies,
and the relationshipswork differently.
"The only way we understandhow to live in a family
is that strongnuclearidea,"JanRodwellsays."Andso we
enter into thesenew relationshipswith the expectation
that it wiil be just the sameas a nuclearfamiiy. But there
are so many ways in which it is completelydifferent."
in fact,Janquestionsthe terminologywe useto
describethesenew relationshipsShedoesn'tbelieve
partner, but if the step-parent can wisely sacrifice their
own needs and encourage the biological parent and the
child to spend plenty of time together, it heips the child
get through their grief more easily "
Jan is a great one for illustrating these new
relationships as Venn diagrams - crazy pattems of big
and little circies and squares with connecting lines to
show the tidal flows of iove and attention that must be
unimpeded between all the different parties: Between
children and each oftheirbirth
parents; between the
newly partnered adults; between the step-parent and
the children In other words, the historical relationships
and the new ones all need to find enough room so that
resentment and conflict don't have the space to grow
"Kids still desperatelylove their birth parents and time
with the step-parent is non-equivalent," Kerry Gould
says "When an adult re-partners, they are so enamoured
'1
oftheir new partner that they generalisethat love love this person and you should too' But it's not that
easy As a rough rule of thumb, it takes half the number
of years of a child's life to begin lovrng the step-parent "
Jan, who re-partnered some 20 years ago when her
first two children were young, says:"l myself was
holding some strong ideas I came from a strong, happy
family background and wanted to provide that for my
children But how crazy was that, to be expecting loving
WI{EN TFIESTEP-PARENTS
FCSTI,:'. i II-RELATIONSF{]P
BETWEEN
TI{E BIOLOGICAL
PARENTAND l, ,:f l,;11-D.WI{EN TIJEYPUSF{
'i
TF{EMTOGETHER
A LOT MCP.E. iJ\. : T'I-IATWORKSWELL
havingthe words'mother'and 'father'attachedto the
step-relationship
is at ail helpful as they seemto be
Ioadedwith expectation.But she acknowiedges
the lack
of anythingbetter- yet.
Dr Kerry Gouldis a family therapist who often works
with re-partneredfamilies, and who createda series
of DVDsfor the Departmentof Justiceon the effectsof
divorceon children.
"Oneof the thingsthat's differentin re-partnered
families is that there is more competition for love and
time resources,"
shenotes "Kidsnoticehow much of the
biologicalparent'stime they'regetting,and of course
it's lessthan beforeand they quite understandablycan
feelenormousloss.Wherethe step-parentsfosterthe
relationshipbetweenthe biologicalparent and the child,
when they push them togethera lot more, I think that
works weli and is a great help. The bioiogicalparent
can want to spendtime and attention with their new
relationshipsstraightoff without givingthem time?
Sometimeschildrenwill very appropriatelytaketheir
time in a relationship
"Tobeginwith, it's very like the kind of relationships
you might build at work - teamwork,but without
emotion.Peopleoften unconsciously
think it will be in
parent
nature
relationship,
the
of a
but if they wereto
think differentlyaboutit, that helpsa lot."
Onereaily important point in the re-buildingof
this new kind of family is for the step-parentnot to be
invoivedin discipline.
"Whileyou might not be ableto do the control
functionyou can reallyshineat the supportfunction,
and kids are reaily gratefui for that," Kerry says She
how hard it is for step-parents."You fell
acknowledges
in love with your partner;you didn't fall in love \Miththis
child. You needto seethem differently:That you can
simply be a caringinfluencein their lives Kidsvery
t
NEXT37
IP5
RELATIONSH
rarely buck against care You can care and careI They'll
take that They'iljust go offyou ifyouboss them around
"Children might say mean things to the step-parent,
but it's their grief. The more families can understand
about the normal, typical background emotional issues
and flavours, the easier it'll be to not personalisewhat's
happening The biggest thing step-parents can suffer is
some hostility directed at them By and large it's not any
reflection of who they are or the job they're doing, but the
child is sad and angry at what's happening to their family
and they can't afford to take it out on the birth parents "
She acknowledgesthat step-families are "hugeiy
demanding of human qualities" - but on the other hand,
what family isn't?
"These relationships can be wonderful relationships.
The children gain from all the skills, knowledge and
abilities from all these different adults in their lives, so
long as they're not trying to fit them into that box of
emulating the nuclear model "
When a couple splits, it's not just they and their child
who are affected Extended family reiationships, too, get
lost in the general fallout, and grandparents sometimes
miss out on seeing their grandchildren ln fact,
'grandparents' rights' is a hot topic in North America
with, for instance, Canadian law changing over the past
20 years to enable grandparents to be granted accessto
z
E
3
you go wrong? And both my mother and ex-mother-inlaw furthered and continued their already comfortable
relationship. Philippe was a more frequent guest than
usual during that month, and we all coped well "
The trick, she says, is to remember how all those people
- mum, dad, children, aunties and uncles, grandparents
- are important in a child's 1ife,whether the child is your
own or someoneelse's,and respect and encouragethose
WFIE|']AN ADUL'f RE-PAF.TN].,I'
TI{EIR NEW PARTNERT}{AT T}'i
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grandchildren, even over parental objections.
Once again, Maximillien is fortunate - he's got three
relationships Developing complex new relationships,
maintaining yet re-negotiatingold ones - none of these
active sets of grandparents: His biologicai ones, and
Colin's as well This year Monica's mother came to visit
things come easily to most of us Yet the experience
of many people - and Monica, Colin and Philippe are
wonderful examples - is that, with the right concepts and
from Toronto at precisely the same time as Philippe's
mother came from Paris Of course the two women had
known each other for some 2Lyears, since Monica and
Philippe had been married.
"lt was wonderful for both grandmothers to be here.
Colin charmed them of course - although Philippe's
q
mother Helene speaks no English they managed to
communicate quite well My mum is pretty good with
5
basic French and Maximillien served as interpreter
during the course of that month Both ladies got to
{U
zU
z
o
c
=
c
attend the first-day powhiri at Kowhai Intermediate
- which deeply moved and touched them both - and
toured with us around the North Island. Maximillien was
in his glory - with three sets of grandparents, how can
a wiliing atlitude, great things are possible That has to be
good for us - and very, very good for our children N
Jan Rodw ell's book Repartnered F amilies (Penguin Books) is
availablefor $25 fromTheWomen's BookshoponPonsonby
nz or PO
Rd,,Auckland,or from Jan:[email protected]
Box 46-247, Auckland Kerry Gould's DVDs, containing
interuieuiswith Neu.rZealandparentsand childrenwho've
experiencedseparation,are availablevia the Department
of )ustice'sfree ParentingthroughSeparationprogramme
Contact the JusticeDepartment in your areafor informatron
NEXT39