What happens when the first transgender kid comes out at school

What happens when the first transgender kid comes out at school | Michigan Radio
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What happens when the first transgender kid comes out at school
By KATE WELLS (/PEOPLE/KATE-WELLS)
•
MAY 4, 2016
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(http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/michigan/files/styles/x_large/public/201605/kylie_and_ginger.jpg)
Kylie Clifton (right) and her mom, Ginger, talk about Kylie's transition and life as a transgender girl.
KATE WELLS/MICHIGAN RADIO
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Kylie Clifton has long, thick waves of blonde hair, the same sandy shade as her mom's.
And the day Kylie's mom took her to the salon to get those hair extensions – that was a big day. And not just because, for the first time, Kylie
felt really pretty.
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"Today is the first day of the rest of my life," 11-year-old Kylie posted on Instragram that evening. "So happy I don't know what to do with
myself."
Just a few months before, Kylie was still living as Kyle – an earnest, thoughtful boy who struggled with anxiety. In the weeks leading up to those hair extensions, the Cliftons told a small but growing circle about Kyle’s gradual transition to Kylie.
Listen
7:07
Listen to the full story here.
But the hair marked a new phase. An end to keeping the wigs and girl’s clothes at home for after school or just the weekend.
Because the next day, everybody at school would know: Kyle was now Kylie.
“I couldn’t chicken out,” Kylie says, looking back. “I’m not very good with decisions, so I couldn’t just take them [the extensions] out that next
morning and just put it off for another day. As if I thought I wasn’t ready.”
Getting ready
That past Christmas, before Kyle ever told a single person he was, in fact, a girl, his parents felt like Kyle’s anxiety was becoming increasingly
unmanageable.
But they didn’t know why.
There was that weekend Kyle's mom and sister were out of town, and Kyle's dad took him and his twin brother to a movie. When they got
home, Kyle shut himself in his bedroom closet, crying quietly. His dad would come up and knock gently on the door, but Kyle kept insisting he
didn't want to talk about it until his mom got home.
But when Ginger Clifton did get back, Kyle still wouldn’t say much. He shrugged the incident off as just another bout of anxiety. So many times, Kyle had wanted to find a way to talk about the thoughts he was having.
That his whole life, every time he watched a movie, he pictured himself in the girl's role – the Marilyn Monroe or the Jennifer Lawrence.
That when he tried to picture his future, growing up and becoming a man, doing manly things like walking his imagined daughter down the aisle,
it just seemed fuzzy. Impossible.
On the way home from that trip to the movies, Kyle sat in the back seat, googling “What do I do when I feel like I want to be a girl?” and pouring
over websites about gender reassignment surgery.
But all of that felt equally impossible. The best plan Kyle could come up with, in his 11-year-old mind, was waiting until after college graduation
– and then disappearing from Michigan, from friends, family, everybody he knew and loved. 2 of 9
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“Maybe I would just kind of disassociate myself from everyone, and just kind of move away and not be heard from,” Kylie says now. “I don’t
know. Crazy thoughts like that.” Finally, one night, Kyle worked up the courage to tell his mom.
He knew he’d backed out of this before. So late one night, after he’d gone to bed, he sent his mom a text.
“It was a Wikipedia “Transgender” link, is literally the only thing that she sent,” Ginger remembers, laughing. “I was home, downstairs in the
living room. So I brought my phone upstairs, and I said: ‘So, I guess we have some things to talk about!’”
This, it turns out, was the easy part.
For Ginger, hearing Kyle talk about what he was feeling – and who he wanted to be – made sense, on some deep maternal level.
She was worried, of course. About how the world would treat her kid. And mostly, about school.
Difficult conversations
Because the family had moved just a few months before this, Ginger had never even met the principal at Kyle’s school, Portage North Middle
School, just south of Kalamazoo.
So, she set up her first-ever meeting with the principal and the school counselor.
“And they sat there in the room, and their eyes got really big!” Ginger laughs. “But they were very willing to work with us. Even though they
didn’t really know quite exactly how to do it.”
“It was an – an interesting conversation,” remembers Principal Travis Thomsen. “It was a difficult conversation. Because, nobody had any
experience with it.”
But what the school did next was really important, because it set the tone for how everything else was going to play out. And it’s what more and more schools are starting to do when they’re in this spot: They brought in a professional.
When people are afraid
Jay Maddock’s official job title is executive director of the Kalamazoo Gay and Lesbian Resource Center. (http://www.kglrc.org/)
But really, his job is managing fear.
“You know, whenever you’re pushing for change, in an area of
something that people don’t understand – sometimes the worst comes
out in people when they’re afraid,” he says, leaning over a boxed lunch
of salad and chicken breast at the White House LGBT Summit, held in
Dearborn this spring.
He’s just ducked out to return a call to an elementary school in west
Michigan, where their first transgender student had come out – and
the school wanted Maddock to tell them what the heck to do now.
This is what he does. He goes from school to school, talking to parents
and teachers and staff about what it means to be transgender, and to
have a transgender kid in their community.
And at all of these training sessions, there’s one fear he hears over and
over again: What if students start to pretend?
As in, what if a guy pretends to be a transgender girl, in order to get
into the women’s restroom and hurt someone?
So Maddock tells them: Here's what you're going to do. When a
transgender student comes out, sit down with them. Get to know
them.
Then, make a transition plan. When would the student like to start
using different pronouns? A different name?
And, yes, ask them what bathroom they want to use.
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(http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/michigan/files/styles/x_large
/public/201605/jay2.jpg)
Jay Maddock
5/5/16, 11:03 AM
What happens when the first transgender kid comes out at school | Michigan Radio
Then, make it school policy that without this kind of transition plan,
kids can't just switch restrooms whenever they feel like it. http://michiganradio.org/post/what-happens-when-first-transgender-kid-comes-out-school#stream/0
CREDIT HTTP://WWW.KGLRC.ORG/ABOUT-US/STAFF/#PRETTYPHOTO/0/
"Let's imagine that an adolescent pulls a prank, and goes into a restroom that doesn't match with their gender identity,” Maddock says. “We're
not asking you to uphold that. So when a student violates your school rules, they're still violating the rules."
Legal guidance
The real purpose of these “what if” policies, Maddock says, is to give schools what they’re craving right now: clarity.
Something that tells them what to do, so that if parents get angry, they can point to it and say: Look, we’ve thought this through, and it puts us
on the right side of the law.
Specifically, Title IX.
That’s the law that makes gender discrimination illegal at public schools.
And under the Obama administration, the U.S. Department of Education is cracking down on it.
The Office of Civil Rights is telling schools: You have to let transgender kids use the bathrooms that fit their gender identity.
One Michigan district, Bedford Public Schools, is currently under investigation (http://michiganradio.org/post/feds-investigate-michiganschool-district-transgender-discrimination) for alleged transgender discrimination.
“A very good day”
At Kylie’s school, this Title IX stuff really stuck with Principal Thomsen.
"That helped to guide some of our decision-making, and processes that we were considering internally,” he says.
So Thomsen brought in Jay Maddock, and had him do staff trainings for all the teachers.
They covered all the basics: What is transgender? Why do transgender kids face more bullying, have a higher risk for suicide? What kind of
logistics are involved in helping a kid transition at school?
So after all this, what happened when Kyle transition to Kylie – and, eventually, started using the girl’s bathroom?
Was there an uproar, or angry parents?
Principal Thomsen thinks about that one for moment.
"To be perfectly honest, there wasn't a reaction,” he says. “It was a non-issue for students and our staff. It just wasn't an issue."
And for Kylie?
"I was nervous at first, as there's usually always a lot of people in the girl's bathroom,” she says. “But it didn't matter. Nobody acted like they
cared. It was just like any other bathroom."
And that first day, with the hair extensions? A few people gave her some weird looks. One guy asked if she was “punking them.”
But overall, she says, “it was a very a good day.”
The backlash in Michigan As more transgender students come out, more schools are going to have to figure out their responses. The State Board of Education’s optional guidelines (http://everyvoicecountsmi.org/)for schools were supposed to help them do that.
But the backlash – from Republican lawmakers, from worried, upset parents – it’s been fierce.
And it’s the kind of backlash that makes you wonder if it’s going to be harder for trans kids to come out.
Which is actually why Kylie Clifton says she wanted to talk about all this so publicly.
She says she wants other trans kids to know that, sometimes, if you come out – it’s OK.
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"I think I could just, um, potentially help someone else,” she says at her kitchen table, looking down at her hands. “I don't have a problem talking
5/5/16, 11:03 AM
What happens when the first transgender kid comes out at school | Michigan Radio
about it. I mean, some people don't like talking about it. But, it's the truth."
http://michiganradio.org/post/what-happens-when-first-transgender-kid-comes-out-school#stream/0
Meanwhile, the state school board is still taking public comment on those LGBT school guidelines through May 11.
More than 10,500 people have already weighed in on these guidelines online. TAGS: TRANSGENDER (/TERM/TRANSGENDER)
MICHIGAN BOARD OF EDUCATION (/TERM/MICHIGAN-BOARD-EDUCATION)
LGBTQ (/TERM/LGBTQ-0)
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18 Comments
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Cwhandleme
•
a day ago
Wow! Ginger is an amazing mother and I'm so proud of Kylie that she had the courage to tell her mother! I've been in Kylie's shoes and I know
how hard it is and how easy it is to feel like repression is the best answer. I can see how loving her mother is and Kylie is going to flourish
because of it. Kylie is such a a beautiful girl and I send all my love to her and her family!!!
Good luck girl! :)
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martysiegrist
•
a day ago
Kudos to Kylie's mom, and to that principal and school counselor. Their responses sound measured, compassionate and sensible. Best of
luck to all of them going forward.
Kudos, also, to the State Board of Education, for having the courage and wit to develop guidelines that can help all Michigan students during
these times of often uncomfortable change.
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Jack Richards > martysiegrist
a day ago
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Male pronouns were used prior to Kylie coming out, when she was still living as and presenting as male. Pronouns change in the article
when referring to her after she came out. This is appropriate, acceptable and common practice and is used by the majority of
transpersons themselves.
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Heidi Naetherside > Jack Richards
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17 hours ago
You're right in that it's common, but it's neither acceptable nor appropriate. The acceptability of it depends on the wish of the
transgender person. I would personally never use pronouns I used back then. Even when describing the past. Neither does any
other transgender person I know in person, who has transitioned more than a few years ago. My personality and identity
haven't changed, only outward appearance and how much of my identity I dare let show. If somebody thinks the correct person
to reference in the past is my then body, they can talk to my present middle finger.
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skychick9 > Jack Richards
•
16 hours ago
Just to add, it really isn't done by Trans people, at least none that I know. It seems pointlessly complicated. Educate yourself.
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Karen > Jack Richards
•
17 hours ago
I'm transgender and know many transgender people. I don't know anyone who thinks this is appropriate.
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Jamie Shupe
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• Reply • Share ›
20 hours ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story Kylie.
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PAULA K. SCHMIDT
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a day ago
The great thing about this, besides Kylies courage, is the school's courage--and the ability to not react out of fear of the unknown but to
approach it with wisdom and kindness, if not complete understanding.
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JuliaWardHowe > PAULA K. SCHMIDT
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18 hours ago
Yes!! The unfamiliar may be scary sometimes, but it does not inevitably lead to prejudice and discrimination if greeted with an open
mind and heart.
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MJ Berends
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• Reply • Share ›
28 minutes ago
I'm just so disappointed an otherwise thoughtful piece continually misgendered Kylie with "he" when referring to the time before their
transition. I'm not sure I can adequately convey how distressing and jarring that felt.
I've never encountered a fellow trans person who accepted this practice. It contradicts the common understanding that they *are* their
identified sex and always have been. The distinction is usually one of *presentation*, not being.
(That said, there are some people who feel this way, but it is usually the practice to explicitly mention that that's their preference.)
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Vincent Duffy
Michigan Radio
> MJ Berends • 12 minutes ago
Please read the comment from Kylie's mom below. We wrote the article with the pronounce she and her family use to refer to the time
before and after Kylie's transition. In these types of situations, we always default to the wishes of the person whose story we are
telling.
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GClifton
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• Reply • Share ›
4 hours ago
Kylie's mom here - thank you all for the kind words and support. I appreciate the concerns about pronoun use as proper terms are deeply
personal. Kate followed our lead and reflected in her article how Kylie and I refer to her time before transition. When Kylie gets older she may
have a different perspective about how she references that time in her life. I am grateful that Kate shred Kylie's story authentically. If this story
helps at least family to navigate transition and reach acceptance then mission accomplished!
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Veronica Nowakowski
5 hours ago
5/5/16, 11:03 AM
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