St. George the Dragon Slayer Conquers Huntingdon Valley

Volume II
The
January 2010
Tin Hats of Philadelphia
historian’s report for 2009
“associated with the electrical industry since 1935”
St. George the Dragon Slayer Conquers Huntingdon Valley
What to Read:

Cash Can Controversy
Over Tin Hat Stimulus
Package
Page 2

75th Anniversary Golf
Bags presented at holiday
luncheon
Page 2
Tin Typer embroiled in
ghost payroll scandal

Page 4

High Hat Gathering of
Buzzards
Page 4


Historian’s Editorial

The 2009 Tin Hat
Year in Review
Summary
Page 6
Page 4
Bad News Brown’s Bad
Breaks
Page 4
Inside this issue:
St. George—A Legend is Born
Tiger. (sans hookers)
The Sieve Report
2
A Beiter Family
Tradition Grows
3
Bumper crop of new
Associates includes
Phantom Member
Next Generation
Snags 5th Seat!
Fall Fashions
King of Quirk unveils
Klothing From Inner
Ring of Uranus!
2009 Iron Hat Winner
MacFarland continues
domination as Tin Hat
Iron Man
In Memoriam
Ron Smallwood
Former High Hat and
legendary joke teller
Is remembered
The Putter Exchange
3
3
3
Critics decry sinful
bordello for cheap
whore knockoffs.
3
Siegfried Says:
5
The Tin Hat Oracle
offers Pithy Answers
to Stupid Questions!
A Tin Hat Annual Traditional
Crowly takes the reigns from
O’Rourke at Huntingdon Valley to
become 74th High Hat
Huntingdon Valley, PA—
It is destined to go down
in Tin Hat History as an
accomplishment of biblical proportion. St.
George “The Dragon
Slayer” Henisee had just
slaughtered one of the
toughest courses in the
Delaware Valley. Not
Tin Hats Hail Golf Warrior—The Slayer of Huntingdon Valley
only did he crush the
course, but he demolished all his opponents
proportions. And all the Tin Hats gathered in the presence of
and won The Hat going this giant slayer and sung his praises with a psalm in his
away! Yes, a man
honor
whose initials have apThe golfing gods were his shepherd,
peared on the dreaded
and he did not want for a lost ball.
Seat three times in the
past eight years reached
His driver laid his balls down on
down deep and finally
green fairways.
found The Eye of the
At the start of the day, the Vegas odds makers had George
as a 80-1 shot to win The Hat. That was only slightly better
than Miller at 85-1, Crowly at 90-1, Carrigan at 95-1 and
Siemion at 1,000,000-1. What was about to unfold was a
true Cinderella story. A complete unknown was about to
come from out of the pack to become the most unlikely
winners of The Hat since Bob Powell won playing from the
ladies tees. As he dropped his final putt, those in his foursome all had the same thought. “It’s a miracle!” George
Henisee may not be Carl Spackler, but what he pulled off
at Huntingdon Valley
was nothing less that a
real life re-enactment of
the script from Caddyshack. The golf Gods
have been known to
periodically smile on
higher handicappers
Similar Cinderella Stories
when the leaves start to
change and the Tin Hats hold their fall classic. Carrying a
“beefy” handicap of 33 would normally be a huge advantage at most courses. But Golf Committee chairman
Don Brown has
always been fond
of finding an
“exceptionally
challenging”
course when playing for The Hat.
This year he led
the Tin Hats into
“The Valley of
Death” as the evil
design of architects Toomey &
Flynn’s Huntingdon Valley is often
referred. Not the
kind of course that
is kind to any
handicap north of
2, George had a
round of biblical
Fearless In Valley of Death
He raised his irons and parted
the still waters
He restoreth all divots and ball marks.
He leadeth himself down the cart paths of
righteousness without going out of bounds
Yeah, tho he walked through
the Valley of Death,
he feared no evil, for Krausie was
not his cart partner
His wedge and putter did comfort him.
The Tin Hats prepared a table before him
in the presence of his opponents.
They anointed him with The Hat, and his
putts will never again runneth over the cup.
Surely fame and a Silver Inscription shall
follow him all the days of his life
And he will dwell in the house of the Tin
Hat immortals forever.
Dwelling In The House Of The Tin Hat Immortals
The Golf Committee Report
For our 75th Anniversary, the Golf Committee has pulled out all the stops to set up a
year to remember. The year kicks off with an Emergency Winter Meeting at Old
Memorial in sunny Florida to get the golf juices flowing. The official start of the 75th
year begins with a return to the initial site of the first Tin Hat meeting at Woodcrest
Country Club. Then we kick it into high gear with a Jeff Siegfried Production®
called the Tin Hats 75th Anniversary Very Extra Special Event at Stonewall. The
day will feature a trick shot artist and a wine tasting dinner with spouses, dates or
significant others to celebrate the date of the first Tin Hat meeting. But it gets better, we are making a return to the incredible Saucon Valley and finish with a battle
for The Hat at the classic Philadelphia Country Club. It looks like the best year in
Tin Hat History. Clear your calendars and lock down these dates!
March 13-15th
April 22nd
May 18th
Old Memorial
Woodcrest
Chester Valley
(Host Jeff Siegfried)
(Host Dave MacFarland)
(Host Bruce Crowly)
Tin Hats 75th Anniversary Very Extra Special Event
June 17th
Stonewall - A Jeff Siegfried Production®
July 14th
August 3rd
August 24
September TBD
October 6th
October TBD
White Manor
Moselem Springs
Rolling Green
Saucon Valley
Philadelphia CC
Post Season Event
The Handicap Committee Report
As we head into our 75th year, no one has had their ass kissed more than the Tin
Hat Handicapper. After a long and storied career, Bruce Crowly
has been forced to step down and pass along his secret formulas
and “vendetta adjustment” factors to new Committee Chairman
Bill Goodwin in 2010. Crowly’s downfall came after low handicapper Jeff Siegfried “outed” him during the meeting at French Creek
after Crowly had left. “This guy has the balls to say You guys all
suck!” fumed an angry Siegfried. “I have to tell you he really
sucks. I’m not talking about playing bad, I’m talking about really
sucking.” The other Tin Hats agreed and a motion to have Crowly
removed from office was passed. Crowly later dismissed the nonOuting of Handicapper
binding motion. “As the incoming High Hat, I could not carry the
“He Really Sucks!”
dual responsibilities and had planned to assign my duties to Bill
Goodwin in 2010. As for that snarly prick Siegfried, we’ll see how many more Hats
he wins sporting his permanently “vendetta adjusted” 1.1 handicap.” As we head into
the new year, all you can do is read ‘em and weep.
Rick Armour—20.7
Gene Biben—18.6
Mike Cucinotta—12.2
Bill Dibui—12.2
Bill Goodwin—20.1
George Henisee—25.3
Ray Low—36.0
Pat Melvin—14.5
Tom Orio—18.6
Brendan Powell—10.2
Jeff Siegfried—1.1
(Host TBD)
(Host Steve Schneider)
(Host Don Brown)
(Host Ron Pace)
(Host Jeff Siegfried)
(Host John Shaffer)
If you have ideas for future golf venues or are interested
in hosting an event, contact our incredible Golf Committee Co-Chairs Ron Pace & Don Brown with assistance
from the Jeff Siegfried Production Company ®
Jack Beiter—32.3
Jim Bogan—18.4
Bruce Crowly—21.4
Chuck Doerr—20.1
Jack Graham—22.8
Joe Henry—17.3
Geo. Lyngarkos—14.3
Rich Mento—11.2
Kevin O’Rourke—15.1
Jerry Powell—15.2
Brandon Siemion—2.4
Jeff Beiter—38.2
Don Brown—27.9
Kevin Dare—10.1
Bob Duff—28.3
John Hahn—17.9
Bill Krause—15.3
D MacFarland—16.8
Harry Miller—22.7
Ron Pace—14.5
John Schaffer—11.1
Bill Walker—17.3
Peter Bellwoar—9.5
Jim Carrigan—30.6
Mark Deese—13.2
Ed Gilmore—21.5
Dave Harnitchek—12.7
Larry Low—17.6
Hugh McGrogan—20.9
Tom Norris—28.4
Bob Powell—20.5
Steve Schneider—15.2
Ron Zemnick—10.8
At the Holiday Luncheon incoming Handicap Chairman Bill Goodwin accepted his
new role. In accordance with the long Tin Hat tradition, he promptly dropped his
pants and a receiving line was formed to give all those in attendance a chance nuzThe Golf Committee shall select the Golf Clubs and Hosts and schedule the Golf Meetings
zle their noses in Bill’s crevasse. Bill then anfor the calendar year. Tin Hat By-Laws D—2
nounced that his beverage of
choice is vodka and he is expecting many Ketel One stocking
The Sieve—Membership Committee
stuffers from anyone that hopes
The Sieve had a very active year in 2009. First, they selected Tom Norris to fill the
to avoid the dreaded vengeance
open Supplier membership created when Chuck Doerr decided to go Active Retired
adjustment added to their handiat the end of 2008. In accordance with long Tin Hat tradition, Tom will be personally
cap in 2010.
delivering a dozen Pro-v1’s and a bottle of Grey Goose to all the Active Members as
This committee shall collect scores from the
an act of appreciation of his ascension to full membership. The Sieve also put out
players at all golf meetings. They shall establish
New Handicapper and publish handicap lists per accepted regulathe challenge to our membership to beat the bush and load us up with a stable of
Permanent VendetEnjoys Stocking tions for each golf meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws D—3 New Stocking Stuffer
ta Adjustment For
new Associate Members in 2009. Our members responded by rounding up three
of Choice
Stuffers
Snarly Prick
new Associates. Mike Cucinotta of Billows Electric was sponsored by Gene Biben
and has proven to be big hitter with a good sense of humor. Pat Melvin of United
Trophies and Prizes Committee
Electric was sponsored by Bob Powell and the members have promised not to hold
that against him. Brendan Powell of Kunz-Powell was also sponsored by Bob PowThanks to the Larry Low Tin Hat Stimulus
ell and must carry the stigma of being the son of Bob Powell. He asks only that the
Package all dues paying members were treatson not be forced to shoulder the sins of the father. In a new
ed with a special gift to commemorate the kicktwist to our membership drive, The Sieve also added a new
off of the 75th Anniversary of the Tin Hats at
membership category of Phantom Associate Member and
the annual Holiday Luncheon. Commemoraawarded it to Brandon Siemion of Philips Color Kinetics.
tive 75th Anniversary Tin Hat golf bags were
Although there were reports of a “Siemion Sighting” at Gulph
unveiled for those members in attendance.
Mills, most members have
Retired Tin Hats were treated with 75th AnniSt. George Henisee
Slayer
of
Huntingdon
Valley
begun to question if this was
versary golf shirts. The traditional low net
sponsor Ed Gilmore’s attempt
trophy went to George Henisee who unveiled
at a practical joke. Humiliated
the new Tin Hat trophy base with a new enby his sponsorship efforts, a
graving plate. The Hat ran out of engraving space and the new
Nothing Unusual
disgraced Ed Gilmore antrophy base has capacity for future winners
75th Anniversay Bag
New Base for The Hat
nounced his retirement from H.B. Frazer at the Holito have their name immortalized. Jeff Beiter
day Luncheon. Rumors that Brandon had been abwon The Seat, John Schaffer walked off with the low
ducted by space aliens were dispelled when a search
gross award (Moselem 75) and Larry Low won the
party raided Bill Krause’s home and found nothing
low net award (French Creek 59) . Both were also
unusual. Making the most of it, the Sieve has proawarded four less strokes off their handicaps.
posed to the Trophies and Prizes Committee that a
This committee shall select and award prizes at the final golf meeting of the year, for
new award be created. A Tin Hat version of “Where’s
all “Active” and “Active Retired” Members, as budgeted by the Cash Can. Awards to be
Exciting New Tin Hat Award
Waldo?” will be called “Seen Siemion?” The exciting new
selected by the attending members in order of lowest net scores. Active and ActiveRetired Members not attending shall be awarded remaining prizes later. Tin Hat Byaward will be presented to the Tin Hat that has the worst attendance each year.
McGrogan—Prizes Laws D—4—a
Bellwoar—Awards
The Sieve is still looking to fill open Associate Memberships in Design/Utility and
Contractor. If you know of a golfer that is these categories or in the Energy Auditing
The Cash Can’s Report
business, please consider inviting and introducing him or other perspective AssociWhat a difference a year makes. Last year everyone was hailing Larry Low as the
ates to a few outings this year.
Warren Buffett of investors for his conservative strategy. Sadly the latest audit of the
Tin Hat nest egg has found Larry taking on debt and pissing away money like a
The Sieve shall review and select proposed new members to fill any vacancy in
liberal, democratic president. Custom Golf Bags for members, monogrammed shirts
the Active Membership. They shall poll all the Active Members to determine the
for retirees, high end wine parties for all, and hot babes
best qualified and most eligible candidate. After their decision they shall notify
the proposing member, the Tin Typer, the Cash Can, and the membership at the under his arms has Low’s activities under suspicion.
Sporting a deep winter tan and driving a “pimped up”
next meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws C—4—b
Bugatti Veyron, Larry assures
all not to worry. “Just because
The Historical Committee Report
it’s ‘Good to be Larry’ doesn’t
The Tin Hats are only now beginning to understand the monster they created when
mean there is anything wrong.
they appointed Dave MacFarland to what they thought was the harmless title of
Sure, there may be a need to
Larrymobile—Pimped
Up
Bugatti
picture snapping Historian. Well, be careful what you ask for. It now appears they
tweak the annual dues to cover
have unleashed the equivalent of Michael Jackson at a child day
Cash Can—Larry “Livin’ Large” Low
my new Tin Hat Stimulus Package, but I am very conficare center. “Not to worry,” assures Dave. “History will be kind to
dent that future generations of Tin Hats will easily have this all paid off by their 300th
me, for I intend to write it.” As for those who get in his crosshairs? “I
anniversary.” In the interim, you can catch Larry “Livin’ Large” on the South Beach
have always found that a dab of fabrication with a generous dose of
party scene sucking on a Cohiba and sipping on a bottle of Cristal champagne.
embellishment can make a sliver of truth more enticing. How else
Treasurer—to be known as “Cash Can” shall serve for renewable yearly terms upon nomination and election by the Active Members at
could you possibly make people like O’Rourke, Deese and Bogan
the final golf meeting of the year. He shall be responsible for all finances of the Tin Hats, subject to approval of the High Hat. He shall
even remotely interesting? You tell me, would you rather read about
maintain an interest-bearing checking account, with signature authorized by either himself or the High Hat. He shall pay all legitimate Tin
Krausie or ride with him? You should all be kissing my ass!”
Hat bills. He shall send bills to members attending meetings in accordance with details supplied by the meeting Hosts. He shall present
Historical—This committee shall keep detailed records of all Tin Hat activities, (including dates and pictures)
of members, golf clubs, trophy winners, officers, special events, etc. These records shall be available for
Historian MacFarland
the inspection at the convenience of the committee and the members. Tin Hat By-Laws D—8
Wants Ass Kissed
periodic “Cash Can Reports”. At the annual Christmas Party he shall give a detailed accounting of the past year’s financial accounting of
past year’s financial activities and submit a recommendation for the oncoming years dues and budget for approval of the Active Members. He shall then send bills to all Active Members for yearly dues. He shall levy and collect all assessments in accordance with the ByLaws. He shall notify the Tin Typer of any member not meeting attendance requirements. Tin Hat By-Laws C-3
The Putter Exchange®
Warning: Golfers with shitty putting skills should consider professional help. The Putter
Exchange ® does not guarantee results with exchanged putters and accepts no responsibility or liability for losses incurred from lost wagers, pissed off playing partners or damages incurred from putter throwing incidents. The Putter Exchange ® is a wholly owned
subsidiary of Siegfried Golf & Entertainment Industries, LLC, a privately held company.
Putter Bordello or Nurturing Home For Eager Putters?
Ron Smallwood lost his battle with
cancer on July 1st this past year at
age 73. Ron came to the Tin Hats in
1984 and served as High Hat in 1998.
He worked his entire career for Hatzel & Buehler, an electrical contracting firm headquartered in Wilmington, DE. He started as an apprentice
electrician and went on to become
Vice President. Ron was a great
person that enjoyed golf, friends and
a good laugh. He was a long time
member of NECA. Ron’s impact
among the members of the Penn-Del-Jersey Chapter of
NECA was so great they established a scholarship fund in
his name. His jokes were the stuff that legends are made
of. It will be hard to look at a Teddy Bear without thinking of Ron. Suffice to say, he will be missed.
Mac Grabs 2nd Straight Iron Hat Title
Like a tick that has found the perfect host, Dave MacFarland continued to suck up every opportunity to play golf and go on to win his
second straight Iron Hat title. His 11
for 11 performance outdistanced 9 for
11 runner ups, Joe Henry, Mike Pisacreta and Jeff Siegfried. This was the
second year in a row Mac blew away
his competitors with perfect attendance. As Bob Powell has pointed out,
“Clearly he doesn’t do shit at the Electric Company but play golf and raise
our rates.”
2009
Iron Hat
STANDINGS
Rick Armour
Jack Beiter
Jeff Beiter
Peter Bellwoar
Gene Biben
Jim Bogan
Don Brown
Jim Carrigan
Bruce Crowly
Mike Cucinotta
Kevin Dare
Mark Deese
Bill Dibui
Bob Duff
Ed Gilmore
Bill Goodwin
Jack Graham
John Hahn
Dave Harnitchek
George Henisee
Joe Henry
Bill Krause
Larry Low
Ray Low
George Lyngarkos
Dave MacFarland
Hugh McGrogan
Pat Melvin
Rich Mento
Harry Miller
Joe Myshko
Tom Norris
Tom Orio
Kevin O’Rourke
Ron Pace
Mike Pisacreta
Bob Powell
Brendan Powell
Jerry Powell
John Schaffer
Steve Schneider
Jeff Siegfried
Brandon Siemon
Bill Walker
Ron Zemnick
Llancerh
Lookaway
Manufacturers
White Clay Ceerk
Moselem Springs
Rolling Green
Gulph Mills
French Creek
Huntingdon Valley
Harbor Cup
Christmas Party
Anyone who knows Jeff Siegfried, knows his business prowess and golfing skills are matched only
by his generosity and hospitality. But like many golfers, Jeff has had his “love ‘em and leave ‘em”
trysts with many putters over the years. One day as he carted yet another jilted
lover to the dark corner of his office closet, Jeff had a flash of brilliance. A firm
believer that a golfer puts more thought into picking his putter than selecting a
mate, he also understood the anxiety that goes along with such a decision.
Knowing putters are more fickle than any woman, he posed himself with a
question. How could he take the anxiety and high expectations that come with
the purchase of a new putter? His answer was The Putter Exchange ®.
Some have compared the exchange to a shelter for
abused and abandoned putters. Jeff has a different
spin on his concept. “The putter exchange is more
goodwill and less a women’s shelter. Here in my “putter womb” are happy
and content putters looking for a new home and someone to make happy
with true rolls and perfect lines. Here also we wait for new putter friends
to come and take their place on the racks, after being disappointed by
their golfer/owner, but never losing their fight and will to make putts for
him.”
Siegfried expanded his philosophy. “What we do here is take away the
investment anxiety and demand from the golfer-putter relationship allowing more attention to be placed on nurturing and bonding. Whereas you may borrow a putter from a friend or take a demo
from the golf shop and it performs perfectly . . . you perform perfectly as a
Siegfried’s “Putter Womb”
team . . . you then purchase an exact
copy of that putter and your expectations and demands soar. The
putter feels this and the stress that is created forms a permanent
communications wall between the partners. In short the money is
wasted and the putter is used only to get value from the investment. No love can grow here and these failures inhabit golf bags,
trunks and garages everywhere.”
A true matchmaker of the golf community, “Tevye” Siegfried is
modest about his simple endeavor. “I provide a service that allows
you to drop off a putter that has become disassociated and aloof
and pick up a putter that is free, happy and anxious to please. The
exchange removes the investment issue and allows the golfer and
his putter to operate on pure love and
mutual respect.” If that doesn’t make
you want to sing, “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a
Tevye Siegfried—Tin Hat on the Roof?
find, catch me a catch”, you don’t have a
Broadway musical bone in your body.
But Siegfried has his critics. Ivor Svarsnick of the Society
for the Prevention of Putter Prostitution has little time for
“the Sickfrieds of this world.” Svarsnick claims the exchange is just a golfer’s bordello. “In its best light, this is
nothing more then a swingers club for promiscuous putter
owners. At its worst, this is a form of putter slave trafficking. Pick one up, have your way with it and drop it off
Putter Exchange Critic Svarsnick
like some cheap whore. I find it very curious that Mr. SiegInspired by
fried’s exchange has so many young, underage putters
Hollywood Madam?
from China, a country known for its horrid record of putter
rights. Society has always been filled with philandering golfers who get
the hots for the latest putter and then cast aside their one mistress for a
new one. Siegfried is no better than golf’s version of Heidi Fleiss that
panders to indiscreet, lusty golfers that sport a chubby for the latest belly putter!”
When questioned about Svarsnick, Jeff merely
laughs. “I am a firm believer that no good deed
goes unpunished. Svarsnick and SPOPP are merely a
front for the putter manufacturing industry. They
Lusty Haven For Cheap Whore Inspired hate the idea of exchanging putters and see it cutting into their profit margin.” And those reports of
Belly Putters?
the Chinese putters that offer a fully satisfying experience for their owner? Jeff lamented, “Look the
Chinese have been in the knockoff business for years.
Good Deeds Punished?
There are many gullible golfers that will try anything
after missing a few short putts. You only have to look at that piece of crap
in Bill Goodwin’s bag to recognize this. Yeah, I have taken in a few knock
offs and seen them grabbed by some other anxious owner. Some make
their way back to the exchange
along with the high end Ping
Goodwin’s Piece of Crap
Knock-off
and Odyssey putters that fail to deliver. Svarsnick has gone as far as
having the local police try to investigate me on putter
trafficking allegations. They have to do their duty, but
even they know I am on the up and up. It’s a small
price to pay for all the good I know I do.” If you and
your putter have been experiencing a difficult period,
consider taking a ride to the putter exchange. Tell them
Jeff sent you!
Ron Smallwood
In Memoriam
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TIN HAT TALES & TALL STORIES
Snagging “The Seat” Now A Beiter Family Tradition
It was clear that Jeff Beiter inherited the
grit and fighting spirit of his dad. As the
shadows grew long at Huntingdon Valley,
Jeff Beiter was swinging harder than his
old man’s haymakers. “You could see he
had a killers instinct on those 3 putts,”
remarked foursome member Steve
Schneider. “We call it The Eye of the
Beiter,” interrupted his obviously proud
father, Jack. “It was such a treat to be
with him and get to watch everyone of
High Hat Hug From A Former Seat Owner
his 135 swings! It took me back to my
glory days.” Even the stoic Jim Bogan
could not hold back his amazement. “The kid looked like a human weed
whacker. He must have set some kind
of record by going through seven bottles of divot mix!” Jeff was modest
after new High Hat and two time winner
himself Bruce Crowly presented him
with The Seat. “I did feel a little pressure playing with my dad and not wanting to let him down. I was afraid that
The Biben Blow-up Strategy of one big
Like Father
Like Son
hole was not going to be enough. I
decided to grind it out with consistent triples, quads and a few timely double
digits holes. Now it’s mine and I intend to defend it next year!”
Krause Showcases ET Fall Fashions
As every Tin Hat knows, Bill Krause, the self proclaimed “King of Quirk,” has a
way of filling every void of silent space with his always insightful comments.
But what many Tin Hats don’t know is that when he is
not driving his cart mate into thoughts of suicide, Bill
spends his time careening through deep space as a
full time Intergalactic Fashionista. “What can I say,
I’m a clothes hound. I have always found that the
Andromeda Galaxy has always been on the cutting
edge. And if you are looking for white hot goods,
check out the White Dwarf in the Crab Nebula. Their
stuff makes Milan look like Milwaukee,” mused the
Kolorful Krause. “But for me, I have always found the
Looking for nearest cliff? style that most fits me is right at home near The Inner
Ring of Uranus.”
Proud as a Plutonian Peacock, Bill
was happy to
showcase his latest
collection of ET
wear at Huntingdon Valley. “I just
love the juxtaposition of a tropical
Tommy Bahama
shirt and wintry
Christmas tie. But
these socks that I
found on the Angry
Red Planet are
clearly the cat’s
meow. Together
Kolorful Krause — The King of Quirk
Clutch Cargo Pants
they give me what
I like to call, a Total Package.” Few would argue that Clutch Cargo Pants
Krause has redefined himself as the Total Tin Hat Package!
Historian’s Editorial
Do you know how to send out a few emails? Maybe you are a Tin Typer! Know
how to balance a check book? Call yourself a Cash Can. Can you still play golf
before you kick the bucket? You must be a High Hat. Live even longer? Call
yourself a Sieve. Tin Hats, it is time to come to grips with the new reality. There
are some new sheriffs in town that call all the shots in Tin Hatland. How do you
like your poison? The new Big Dog is the Tin Hat Handicapper. Look at him cross
-eyed and he’ll slap a single digit handicap and the Seat on your ass before you
can blink. And now the Historian has become the Tin Hat version of Citizen Kane.
He no longer documents history, but creates it and focuses this honorary title on
character assassination. If you are smart, you better get yourself a case of
Chapstick and freshen up your butt kissing skills or be prepared to suffer the
consequences of the new power brokers!
Dave MacFarland—Tin Hat Historian
Bad News Brown Comes Up Big On Par 3
Don Brown had offered some good
advice to fellow Tin Hatters when playing the 13th hole at HVCC earlier this
year. “If your first shot goes in the
pond, take your medicine, chip over to
the left, and hope for a double bogey
up and down.” Unfortunately The
Donald is better at giving advice than
following it. After dunking his tee
shot, Brown proceeded to take four
more dips in the pond from the drop
area before he finally landed a ball
Third of Four Dips in Pond at Drop Area
beside the left trap. A chip to the right
side bunker, followed by a hot one
back to the left side bunker had him
laying 13. Undaunted, Donald followed
that up with another trip to the right
side bunker and the veins in his neck
started to pulsate. Knowing he had to
bear down, he reached down deep and
chunked another one back without
getting out of the trap. Finally, he
blasted his way out of the trap and
landed one on the green laying 16.
Three putts later he had snared a recBrown Begins Bunker Bingo Blow-up
ord 19 strokes on one hole. “After
Gene established The Biben Blow-up
Strategy last year with a 17 on a par
three as a sure fire way to snagging
The Seat, I felt a sense of doom grabbing me by the throat. Fortunately I
was able to wriggle ahead of my fellow
foursome member “Terrible Tom” who
kept grinding out triple bogeys all
day.” Brown reached down deep and
was able to scramble out of contention
with a few single bogeys and a miracuHe’s Back!!
lous par on the 18th after a horrible drive.
“My hat goes off to Jeff Beiter. He must
have really sucked to outscore me and
Tom Norris! And I want to especially
thank that cold-hearted, historian rat
bastard Dave MacFarland for snapping
pictures during my backswing and cap“Bad News” Brown, Terrible Tom with
turing it all on his camera. Friends like
Cold-Hearted, Historian Rat Bastard
that you just want to strangle!”
A Gathering of Buzzards
In a rare moment, most of
the living High Hats gathered at Plymouth CC for a
meeting of the minds. The
meeting was quickly adjourned when they achieved
a consensus that the stress
of the job and all the alcohol
consumption that comes
with it had left them all brain dead.
Mental Well Has Run Dry
Graham Slammed With Ghost Tin Typer Allegations
New High Hat Bruce Crowly announced he is conducting an internal investigation
amid allegations that Jack Graham has been a ghost Tin Hat employee for years.
“I was shocked when I received a letter from an
anonymous source within Rumsey that she has been
performing all of Graham’s Tin Typer duties for
years,” said an angry Crowly. “There have been
rumors swirling around Jack that he hasn’t done shit
for many years! We finally have someone who is
willing to come forward.” According to a statement
issued from The Office of the High Hat:
Zero Tolerance
Subject of
The Tin Hats have a zero tolerance policy toward officers that don’t do
Scandal
shit. The High Hat is solely entitled to this privilege. I have appointed my
predecessor Kevin O’Rourke to conduct an Inquisition into these allegations. O’Rourke is
eminently qualified in the field of not doing shit and will likely do nothing to bring this matter
to closure — Bruce Crowly High Hat & HMFIC
Graham issued this statement through his attorney, “Mr. Graham intends to fight these scurrilous allegations, even if they are true. As for
Crowly, he can take O’Rourke and his Inquisition and stick them both
Expert
up his ass!”
Got A Question? Need An Answer?
Jeff,
I have literally been the butt of jokes for years. It
Go to the oracle and hear what
hurts me deeply when I am called Old Wrinkly Ass.
I often leave meetings weeping and hurt. What
should I do?
Razor—Yardley, PA
Razor,
I can feel the tears of pain in your words. UnfortuPithy Answers to Stupid Questions
nately the Tin Hats are overloaded with a bunch of
heartless pricks that don’t appreciate a warm hug,
Jeff,
Jeff,
fresh cut flowers or a good
I am new to the Tin Hats. Can you explain those
I was flipping through the Tin Hat Membership
chick flick. What I would
creepy guys referred to as the Sieve and all their
Guide and was wondering why they used a picture
suggest is that you go to
behind the scenes wheeling and dealing?
of Captain Kangaroo for Ed Gilmore?
Pat—North Wales, PA the Joan River’s school of
Ron—Ivyland, PA
wrinkle reduction. Go
Pat,
Ron,
shoot your ass full of Botox
All Tin Hats have secret closet lives. Some of us like I can appreciate your fears. The title of Sieve is
bestowed upon only the most surly and creepiest of and your butt will be as
to dress up in women’s lingerie with fishnet stocksmooth as a baby’s butt in
ings. Others enjoy black leather and a good spank- the Tin Hats.
Old Botox Butt?
minutes. Just remember to stock
ing. Ed has always had a lifelong obsession to emu- The Devine and
up
on
Depends,
cause
your
sphincter
will go numb.
Eternal Order of
late the late Bob
Siegfried Says
Keeshan, a.k.a. Captain Kangaroo. Beyond the Kangaroo
Shrine in his basement where he plays
pretend with fellow
kangarooer Jack
“Green Jeans” Graham, Ed underwent a
Captain K Obsession
Captain look-a-like surgery and has a full replica uniform he likes to
wear. His real treasure
is a childhood picture of
him with Keeshan as
Clarabell the Clown. Ed
can go on for hours
about the bitter breakup
Keeshan experienced on
the Howdy Doody Show
when Buffalo Bob Smith
Ed & “Green Jeans” Graham
and “that wooden prick”
Howdy Doody stuck it up Clarabell’s ass.
the Sieve are
kind of the Magi
of the Tin Hats.
Cloaked in secrecy, they study
the heavens and
look for signs
that the golf
Magi or Surly Vodka Sloshing Wise Guys?
gods will smile
upon perspective Tin Hats. In recent years the
Sieve have lost most of their luster and mystique as
a bunch of low lives have taken over. Given some
of their recent decisions, one could argue they
spend more time sloshing down vodka than studying the stars. Now they remind me more of Wise
Guys than Wise Men.
Jeff,
What is the history of George Lyngarkos and his
hatred for the mysterious Dick Weed?
Kevin—New Castle, DE
Kevin,
Young George was terrorized by
the neighborhood bully Dick
Weed. Dick would often sneak
into George’s room and give him
Atomic Wedgies. George has
lived with that trauma and often
blames everything that goes
wrong on his life on Weed.
Whenever he makes an errant
shot, you will hear him mutter
“Dick Weed” or that “Jerk
Weed.”
Jeff,
Weed Atomic Wedgie!
You have played with a lot of bad golfers in your
Jeff,
lifetime. Who is the worst Tin Hat you’ve seen?
Bruce—Malvern, PA I have been asking around and no one seems to
recall ever voting Bob Powell into the Tin Hats.
Bruce,
Where did this strange man come from and who
Tough call. Crowly clearly sucks, Jeff Beiter has
was his sponsor?
shown he has the stuff
Dave—Conshohocken, PA
legends are made of and
Jeff,
Dave,
one can only hope that Bob
Does Jim Bogan have some strange ability to
There have been many rumors of how Bob Powell
transport himself through space? I swear to God, I Duff can run a golf course
came to reside among us. Snide
am standing around talking to someone and all of a better than he can play golf.
remarks describing him as a sort
sudden I notice Bog standing next to me. It seems But for me, hands down,
of Tin Hat yeast infection don’t
God bless his soul, Jim Carlike he appears out of thin air. I turn around a few
do Bob justice. I have long
rigan couldn’t beat one of
seconds later and he’s gone. Can you explain the
subscribed to the Kramer TheoJerry’s Kids on Quaaludes.
Jim Bogan phenomenon to me?
ry. The story goes like this. We
Joe—Atco, NJ He shares golfing skills with
were playing at Hershey’s Mill
his famous aviator uncle,
Joe,
and during our cocktail hour Bob
Wrong Way Carrigan. ForBogan has always been considered the Silent Fog
meanders his way to our open
among the Tin Hats for the way he can quietly roll in tunately the man plays fast,
bar to suck up a few free drinks.
tells good jokes, doesn’t
and out of our meetings. The secret to Jim’s apClubs of Stone
Next thing you know he’s got
look for lost balls and has an
pearing and disappearing
Gilmore liquored up and he’s
Irish heart of gold to go with his clubs of stone.
act has been his investsitting next to him at dinner
Bob “Cosmo” Powell
ment in golf stealth techtelling jokes. He hears where
Jeff,
nology. Jim also subour
next
meeting
is
and
just
starts
showing
up from
The last several years have seen a continuing describes to the philosophy
then on. Whenever asked about his sponsor Bob
cline in the quality of High Hats. How would you
that one must listen to be
rate Kevin O’Rourke’s reign this past year?
always says Ed Gilmore. After several years new
heard. What is not always
Ron—Southampton, PA folks like yourself start to believe he really is a Tin
fully appreciated about
Ron,
Hat. However, I just want to go on the record as
“The Boge” is that he is
It would be hard to disagree with your assessment. having never voted for the man!
one of those people that
With the exception of yours truly,
keep the Tin Hat Universe
Jeff,
the last few years of High Hats
Ying and Yang
in balance. He is the Ying
Joe Henry’s comments about Jim Carrgian prowling
has been like watching a series of
to Bill Krause’s Yang. Without him, we would all
for au pairs around the pool at Manny’s in a Speedo
big turds swirling down the toilet.
collapse into a black hole of a Krause dissertation.
left a disturbing image in my mind that’s driving me
Deese’s reign only reinforces his
insane! What should I do?
long standing reputation of no
Jeff,
Bill—Horsham, PA
redeeming values. Lyngarkos
Who among the Tin Hats is the easiest to rattle?
Bill,
Rick—Holland, PA made Deese look like Mother
I can feel your pain. I’ve had
Teresa. O’Rourke has only conRick,
Cheese Cutting
similar nightmarish visions of a
tinued this downward spiral of
Trying to get a free read on a putt while standing
Grunt
Speedoed Carrigan with a chubmarginal
High
Hats.
Kevin’s
a
behind Pace drives him absolutely nuts. Hitting into
by sneaking up on me in the
nice enough guy if you like smelly,
Mento’s foursome is always worth a chuckle to see
shower. I tried staring at the
annoying Irishmen that have an
if Old Faithful will erupt. But
sun, flushing my eyes with sulfuaffinity toward barnyard animals.
hands down, I can never resist
ric acid and even driving red hot
He topped off his year of accomplishments by cutting the cheese
knitting needles into my pupils,
telling Bellwoar a putt breaks
and watching his victims choke.
to no avail. I finally found a
the opposite of his read. He
With Crowly at the helm, Kevin
cure, but I must warn you it may
keeps pacing around the green
will be in a tough battle for the
have you longing for that CarriDefense Systems
until his head finally explodes.
tallest High Hat midget.
gan image to come back!
Activated
Cure Worse Than Disease
Bad Break For Bellwoar