TIN HATS OF PHILADELPHIA
Transcription
TIN HATS OF PHILADELPHIA
Volume IV The January 2013 Tin Hats of Philadelphia historian’s report for 2012 “associated with the electrical industry since 1935” What to Read: Golf Committee Quandary: Medenteconk—Is it contagious? The Sieve reels in four new suckers to shore up Associate ranks. Historian’s History Lesson: Courses that hosted The Hat Page 2 Page 2 Page 3 Handicapper warns those who will pay the price Page 3 Tin Hat’s adult film past investigated Page 5 Has Bob Powell been cloned? Page 5 Inside this issue: Trophies & Prizes 2 Cash Can: 2 Holiday wine gift bags from Two Buck Chuck wow the members Avoids fiscal cliff with shrewd investments in Greek Bonds. Brokeback at Backbrook Jerry Powell comes back from Backbrook with The Seat and a sore ass 2012 Iron Hat Tin Hat Trio share award after posting perfect seasons The Putter Exchange Satisfied customer tells tale of a customer focused business Where’s Boom Boom? Disappearance after Llanerch raises concern of injury or kdinapping The Crowli Lama: Gives insights to the mysteries of the Tin Hat Universe Another Orderly Transition: 3 3 3 4 5 The passing of the gavel was smooth and orderly as Larry Low congratulates new High Hat Bob Duff, the 77th Tin Hat to hold the title. RON SETS PACE AT TIN HAT CHAMPIONSHIP CLAIMS THE HAT FOR 2ND TIME Ringoes, NJ — It was a relatively tiny field of contenders that vied for The Hat on the rolling hills of The Ridge at Back Brook. Only 21 Tin Hats and 6 Associates made the trek to grapple with a course most were seeing for the very first time. Recent winners familiar with the championship pressure like Armour, Deese and Goodwin seemed to be liking their odds. At the other end, you could here the sound of tightening sphincters as Appealing Odds and previous holders of The Seat like Sphincter Cramps reigning holder Larry Low, Crowly and McGrogan surveyed the course and recognized the risks of a small field. Paired with defending champ Ed Gilmore, historian Booger MacFarland and up and comer Lloyd Jones, Ron Pace displayed the stoic calm of a Complete Retrofit seasoned vet and former champion. He knew the competition would be stiff. Although it took him four strokes to get to the green on the par four #3 starting hole, he quickly demonstrated his scrambling skills by dropping Stoic Pace With Foursome a 15 footer to salvage a bogey. After that confidence builder, he was off to the races with a hot putter and an near error free round. McGrogan, Duff, Brown and Jerry Powell were called forward. One by one, they were allowed to sit down until only Jerry Powell stood alone ready to receive his punishment. (Full story Page 3). Then it was time to anLow And The Seat Five Finalist nounce the winner of the hat. Again the top five contenders John Schaffer, Mark Deese and Bill Walker were called to the front along with Orio, Pace and reigning champ Ed Gilmore. Counting his cookies before they were baked, The Cookie Man was all laughs as he yucked it up with the other finalists anticipating the big announcement. Among the first to be asked to sit down was a tuned up and clearly unhappy Mark Deese. “The fix is in!”, shouted the angry Deese. “No one wants to see a light bulb salesman get what’s coming to him. Screw you all.” Fortunately, the outburst was quelled by shoving another drink in Deese’s hand, while several were heard whispering under their breath, “I’m sure glad that jackwagon didn’t win again.” Yucking It Up With Finalists Then it got down to the final two. That’s Conspiracy Theorist Out ahead of him “The Cookie Man” Tom Orio had to deal when Bill Goodwin announced that Ron Pace was with the putting demons that still haunted from last year at the winner of The Hat with a net Aronimink where his putter accounted for about 50 of his 64, edging out runner up Orio stokes. But after completing the first four holes, 2 over par, by one stroke. Pace looked it was clear that the yips would not be a factor today. As completely surprised as reignthe cool afternoon continued each man was putting togething champ Ed Gilmore congrater one of their best rounds of the year. Without a leader ulated the new champ for the board to track the other’s score, they each kept plugging second time in his career while away scrambling for pars and salvaging single bogies with the crowd greeted him with tight chips and dropping those short putts when it counted. applause and congratulatory handshakes. By the time they finished and headed to the bar, all the Surprised New Champion chatter was about Orio and his reported net 65. Sporting a That’s when it started to get big smile and flashing his uncomfortable. Unable to take the projection to those crushing loss, Orio just stood there around him, The Cookie whimpering like a three year old Man was all giggles and that had just pooped his pants at a picture of confidence. an Easter dinner. “It’s not fair. It’s “He was buying everyone just not fair.”, boohooed the blubthat walked up to the bar bering loser. “This was sup-pa-paa free drink”, observed posed to be ma-ma-my year.” As Kevin Dare, “The SOB he slowly shuffled back to his was acting like he had chair, it was clear that for the secthe winning Powerball ond year in a row, The Cookie Man ticket.” had crumbled. Cookie Man Flashing Confidence Meanwhile, the always Pace remained humble as Gilmore restrained Pace remained low key on his performance. As crowned him with The Hat for the a 23 year Tin Hat, he knew the risk of making the golfing second time in his career. Always Blubbering Loser gods angry by counting your victories respectful of the importance of the before all the tallies had been complettitle, only a few in the room knew that this could have been ed. When anyone asked him how he Ron’s third title. Back in 1989 in his first year as a Tin Hat, did, he gave the patented reply, “I Ron was declared the winplayed pretty good, how about you?” ner of The Hat. When inNever revealing his hand, Ron used formed of the pending anthe “Mum’s the word” strategy. nouncement, he told the awarders that his handicap By the time dinner was over, handicaphad been artificially inflated per Goodwin and new High Hat Duff, due to his limited rounds as had completed their tallies and were a Tin Hat. He requested preparing to announce the day’s winthat they defer to the next in ners and losers. After going through line. This day Ron’s good Mum’s The Word the perfunctory committee reports, it deed was rewarded. came time to make the big announcements. The Seat contestants were first. The five highest net scorers Crowly, New Champion Is Crowned The Golf Committee Report After a spectacular year in 2012, the Golf Committee has once again worked their magic for 2013. In 2012 the Golf Guys paved the way to three first time venues. First was the picture perfect course and equally spectacular weather at Lloyd Jones’ home course Lehigh CC. Next was a trip to the landscaped master piece at the Ace Club that was made even more difficult with 30 mph winds and occasional showers. Then the cherry on top was playing for The Hat on the beautiful sloping hills at The Ridge at Back Brook. This year’s schedule is once again a perfect formula of the traditional, the classics and the new. The two annual traditions of Moselem and Rolling Green remain on this years schedule. This year will mark the 70th time the Tin Hats will have played Rolling Green making it the by far our favorite venue. We will also be returning to some old favorites at Little Mill, Sunnybrook and Squires. In addition, we will be making our first return to Hartefeld National since the course opened in 1996. But just like last year, the golf committee has found three first time venues for our delight. First we will play the relatively new links style course RiverCrest GC & Preserve which features some long carries and a lot of tall fescue. Second, Lloyd Jones worked his magic to get us a chance to play the classic Lancaster CC. And finally, pulling another rabbit out of his cash can, Larry Low will be hosting us at Metedeconk National GC. For those with suspicious minds, the Golf Committee wants to assure everyone that Metedeconk is not a venereal disease. It is a Robert Trent Jones course that can be more painful that the clap and has the potential to scare the bejesus of the most stalwart low handicappers. Finally, if you’re planning to play for The Hat, you better start practicing your shots from awkward lies because we are headed back to the billy goat hills of Huntingdon Valley CC to play for The Hat. This will be the 9th time The Hat has been contested at HVCC. The last two active members to win The Hat at HVCC were George Lyngarkos (2001) and George Henisee (2009). The last two Snaggers of The Seat at HVCC were George Henisee (2001) and Jeff Beiter (2009). Clear your calendars and lock down these dates! April 17th May 14th June 6th June 26th July 17th August 12th August 27th September 17th October 3rd November 1st Little Mill CC Hartefeld National Moselem Springs GC RiverCrest GC Sunnybrook GC Lancaster CC Rolling Green GC Metedeconk National GC Huntingdon Valley CC Squires GC (Host Joe Henry) (Host Kevin O’Rourke) (Host Steve Schneider) (Host Dave MacFarland) (Host Jeff Siegfried) (Host Lloyd Jones) (Host Donald Brown) (Host Larry Low) (Host Bob Duff) (Host Donald Brown) If you have ideas for future golf venues or are interested in hosting an event, contact our incredible Golf Committee Co-Chairs Ron Pace & Don Brown with assistance from Golf Guy Emeritus Jeff Siegfried. The Golf Committee shall select the Golf Clubs and Hosts and schedule the Golf Meetings for the calendar year. Tin Hat By-Laws D—2 The Sieve—Membership Committee The Handicap Committee Report Everyone held their breath as Handicapper Bill Goodwin laid out the year end handicaps. “It’s time we find out who’s been naughty and nice. I know we are all happy for Lloyd Jones winning both the Low Net and Low Gross awards for his efforts at The Ridge at Backbrook. But with those awards comes a handicap of 1.4. Chimed the Handicapper, “Lloyd, I don’t think you will be winning any more awards anytime soon.” Ron Pace and Tom Orio will also be paying the price for those great rounds in 2013. Ask Larry Low how quickly a great round one year can put you in contention for The Seat the next. Rick Armour—18.5 Gene Biben—20.0 Tim Cooney—5.8 Mark Deese—10.0 Jim Goldhorn—TBD Dave Harnitchek—16.9 Bob Lane—TBD Charlie MacDonald—36 Harry Miller—21.8 Mike Pisacreta—14.9 John Schaffer—8.8 Mike Sullivan—20.5 Jack Beiter—31.4 Jim Bogan—18.2 Bruce Crowly—24.1 Bob Duff—28.2 Bill Goodwin—16.4 George Henisee—25.6 Larry Low—17.7 Dave MacFarland—13.2 Kevin O’Rourke—19.9 Bob Powell—20.4 Steve Schneider—14.2 Bill Walker—22.2 Jeff Beiter—35.7 Don Brown—24.2 Mike Cucinotta—7.8 Al Friscia—18.4 Jack Graham—24.7 Joe Henry—17.6 Ray Low—32.3 Hugh McGrogan—25.7 Tom Orio—23.4 Brendan Powell—15.6 Jeff Shewman—TBD Ron Zemnick—4.6 Peter Bellwoar—9.1 Jeff Condinho—11.5 Kevin Dare—13.2 Ed Gilmore—19.2 John Grozier—TBD Lloyd Jones—1.4 George Lyngarkos—13 Pat Melvin—20.4 Ron Pace—16.3 Jerry Powell—12.7 Jeff Siegfried—4.1 This committee shall collect scores from the players at all golf meetings. They shall establish and publish handicap lists per accepted regulations for each golf meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws D—3 Trophies and Prizes Committee The general consensus of the membership was that the Trophies & Prizes Committee is starting to make a bit of a comeback. A few high end bottles of liquor were clearly visible. “I saw a bottle of Jamieson’s, but still no Bushmills”, noted Jerry Powell, “Not that it matters, I know I will get stuck with some cheap loser Prizes award along with The Seat anyway.” Trophies The committee tried to mask their wine selections, by putting them in gift bags and hoping that the afternoon alcohol consumption would blur the selection skills of their assumed victims. It was hard to tell if it worked. Jeff Siegfried could hardly mask his feint excitement with his wine grab bag. “I know my wines, and I can say with authority that an ’09 bottle of Chaddsford Merlot is every bit as good as a ‘59 Lafite Rothschild.” At the low end and an obvious attempt to throw Jack Beiter a cheap bone, there was a jar of Penn Fine Wine Connoisseur State blue & white tees. When his time came, Jack did his duty and took the tees, but was heard cursing the committee under his breath on the way back to his table, “Those assholes set me up. I had to pass up on a bottle of Bankers Club scotch for two bucks worth of lousy tees!” Hat winner Ron Pace was clearly under whelmed with his wine basket award. Threw Beiter A Bone “Looks like they did their shopping at Two Buck Chuck’s,” grumbled the champ and oenophile, “I guess I can pawn it off to my in-laws when they come over for Christmas. The committee had one special award for Lloyd Jones. At The Ridge at Backbrook Lloyd shot a two over 74 and Fine Wines From Trader Vic’s? had a net 62. This would won him The Hat, but as an Associate, he was ineligible. That score was both low gross and low net for the year. He was awarded a picture of The Hat and a six pack of PBR. “Wow!”, exclaimed Jones, “I can’t wait to guzzle a few of these babies down while watching the upcoming season’s premier of Would Be Winner Jones Swamp People.” Not everyone was dumping on the prize guys. Kevin Dare thought the idea of vodka in a plastic bottle had its merits. “If you really get a jag on, you don’t have to worry if you accidentally drop it,” offered Dare, “It’s not only safety conscious, it’s also recyclable.” The Sieve had one of those years when the fish just aren’t biting. After a 2011 bumper crop of six new associates, the Sieve could only reel in two new Associates in 2012 and two more in January of 2013. The newest 2012 rookies are John Grozier of Eaton Corporation who was sponsored as a Supplier Associate by Gene Biben and Jeff Shewman of Schneider Electric who was sponsored as a Contractor Associate by Peter Bellwoar. In early Grozier Shewman 2013 the Sieve added Jim Goldhorn, of Goldhorn Electrical Construction who was sponsored as a Contractor Associate by Jeff Siegfried and Bill Goodwin sponsored Bob Lane of Brazill Brothers as a Supplier Associate. The Sieve also announced that Tom Norris and Rich Mento and were going to join the ranks of the departed. Their retirements to Inactive Retired along with existing openLikes Plastic Bottles Goldhorn Lane ings, opened the door to escalate Associates Mike This committee shall select and award prizes at the final golf meeting of the year, for all “Active” and “Active Retired” Members, as budgeted by the Cash Can. Awards to be selected by the attending members in order of Cucinotta of Billows Electric and Brendan Powell of Kunz Powell to fill two open lowest net scores. Active and Active-Retired Members not attending shall be awarded remaining prizes later. Tin Hat By-Laws D—4—a Supplier positions. In addition, Al Friscia of J. P. Rainey and Tim Cooney of Nelson B. Cooney to fill the two open Contractor positions .The Sieve has also adopted a trial policy for Associates with long tenure. “An AssoThe Cash Can’s Report ciate Member will become a Vested Associate Member after four years, with acceptable The Cash Can presented his annual report to the membership at attendance as determined by the Sieve and participation if an Active Membership is not the Holiday Luncheon. Everyone was nervous to hear how the available. A Vested Associate Member will have the right to qualify and play for The financial cliff would impact our finances. Hat and The Seat. All other conditions of the by-laws for Associate Member will apply.” “Not to worry”, said the always flashy Larry Low decked out in his holiday finest Incoming Outgoing white lynx coat and matching hat trimmed The Sieve shall review and select proposed new members to fill any with real leopard skin. “I have been getvacancy in the Active Membership. They shall poll all the Active ting great returns on our investments. I Members to determine the best qualified and most eligible candigot a steal on some Greek Bonds that are date. After their decision they shall notify the proposing member, paying almost 10%. I have another deal the Tin Typer, the Cash Can, and the membership at the next working with a Nigerian who has the meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws C—4—b Larry Low a.k.a. Cash Daddy inside scoop on a recently deceased Tin High Hat’s Disapproval Hat that left a small fortune that could be used to enhance our The Historical Committee Report The Tin Hats 77th year ended with several new records added to our archives. Ron endowment. All we need to do is front him some cash to get things rolling.” He apparPace became the eighteenth Tin Hat to win The Hat at least two times. Jerry Powell ently went over the line when he asked that he be referred to as The Cash Daddy for all his hard work. New High Hat Bob Duff quickly poo-pooed the idea. “We all respect got to initial The Seat for the first time and Lloyd Jones became the first to win the low gross and low net award in the same year since 2002 when Rich Mento did it at Larry and his years of service, but he is clearly more whacked out than his old man.” Talamore.. Outside of Tin Hat sanctioned events, Steve Schneider and Mark Deese Treasurer—to be known as “Cash Can” shall serve for renewable yearly terms upon nomination and election by the Active Members at the final golf meeting of the year. He shall be responsible for all finances of the Tin Hats, subject to approval of the High Hat. He shall each had their first hole-in-ones this past year at Moselem Springs. maintain an interest-bearing checking account, with signature authorized by either himself or the High Hat. He shall pay all legitimate Tin Historical—This committee shall keep detailed records of all Tin Hat activities, (including dates and Hat bills. He shall send bills to members attending meetings in accordance with details supplied by the meeting Hosts. He shall present pictures) of members, golf clubs, trophy winners, officers, special events, etc. These records shall be periodic “Cash Can Reports”. At the annual Christmas Party he shall give a detailed accounting of the past year’s financial accounting of past year’s financial activities and submit a recommendation for the oncoming years dues and budget for approval of the Active Memavailable for the inspection at the convenience of the committee and the members. The Historian is bers. He shall then send bills to all Active Members for yearly dues. He shall levy and collect all assessments in accordance with the Byresponsible for insulting, harassing and generally pissing off all past, present and future Tin Hats & Laws. He shall notify the Tin Typer of any member not meeting attendance requirements. Tin Hat By-Laws C-3 their guests. Tin Hat By-Laws D—8 . Jerry Powell’s Brokeback at Backbrook Norris E. Thomas, Tin Hat 2009—2012 After more than two weeks nursing a nasty case of pneumonia, Jerry Powell picked a bad day and a tough course to make his golfing comeback. By the time this grizzled old golfing warrior crawled back to the club house, it was clear that The Ridge at Backbrook felt more like The Ridge at Brokeback. “Man, I really got it stuck up my ass today.” lamented a dejected Powell. “ It felt like I got my Big Bertha driver and a dozen Pro-V’s shoved up there!” Even his old standby, magic elixir Bushmills couldn’t help this Tin Hat war horse ease the pain he experienced up on Brokeback Mountain. When he finally limped off the course, a hot shower and a good seat at the bar started to ease the pain. “I started to feel a little better once I got a chance to drown my sorrows”, reflected the beaten man. “By the time we sat down for dinner, I wasn’t feeling much pain.” But, sadly for Jerry, all that changed after dinner. “That’s when I got to re-enact the Ned Beatty role in Deliverance. In front of everyone, Larry Low pinned that god damned seat to my Ned Beatty Re-Enactment ass. All I could do was squeal like a pig.” When asked what was his downfall, Jerry was quite candid. “Driving, long irons, short irons, sand, chipping, putting, you name it. When I got up today, I was still feeling like shit and thought about staying home. But it’s for The Hat and I knew I had to give it a shot. It never dawned on me that I might snag that damned Seat. It was a hard lesson to learn.” Larry Low knows the pain that only the cursed ring of shame can bring. “It like having one of those Mike Tyson facial tattoos. You feel everyone is staring at you. You just can’t wait to make it go away.” Low was unsympathetic to Jerry’s cause, “Yeah, I stuck to Jerry’s ass the same way McGrogan stuck it to me. Nobody wants to hear your whining. Just bend over and 4X Took It Like A Man take it like a man! Beiter had it done to him four times and you don’t hear The Shame Feels Like A Tyson Tattoo him complaining. If Jerry’s lucky, he’ll get to shove it up someone else’s ass next year. “ Low drove home his point, “How would you like to be Bob Bauer who had to suffer the humiliation of back to back Seats in 1991-92. That poor bastard had to shove it up his own ass. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” If there was any salve for Jerry’s aching hemorrhoids, it is that fact that eleven different seat holders have also won The Hat. Even three time Hat winners Leon Attarian and Bob Davis had to suffer the ignominy of donning The Seat. So there is some hope for you. Just hang in there Jerry. The sun will come out tomorrow and shine on your sore ass! (Maybe) Historian’s History Lesson: Courses That Hosted The Hat The Golf Committee has traditionally put a lot of thought into the selection process for a course that is worthy of the battle for The Hat. Unless your name happens to be Ray Low and you been around for most of these events, you are likely unfamiliar with the history of these courses. In 2013 as we head back for the ninth time to Huntingdon Valley to vie for The Hat, it is time to check the records on the other courses that have been selected as worthy of our championship. Below is a little chart that details the twenty one courses that had been chosen to host our seventy seven previous championships. Aronimink (12) Whitemarsh Valley (12) Manufacturers (11) Huntingdon Valley (8) Waynesborough (8) Sunnybrook (4) Bala (2) Cedarbrook (2) Moselem Springs (2) Overbrook (2) Philadelphia CC (2) Torresdale-Frankford (2) Rolling Green (2) Hartefeld National (1) Kennett Square (1) Lulu (1) Plymouth (1) Saucon Valley (1) St. Davids (1) The Ridge at Back Brook (1) White Manor (1) In Memoriam Dime A Dozen After waiting for many years to finally become an Active Tin Hat, the pressure of hitting the big time proved too much for Tom Norris. The John McSorley sponsored protégé succumbed to the weight of trying to top a Jack Beiter joke and the fear of snagging The Seat. “When he finally got to the big leagues, he folded like a cheap suit,” lamented High Hat Bob Duff during Norris’ eulogy at the Holiday Luncheon. “but fortunately, Suppliers are a dime a dozen.” Mento Richard F., Tin Hat 1981—2012 The Cable Guy After 31 years and serving as the most senior Active Tin Hat, Rich “The Cable Guy” Mento joined the ranks of the retired. A fierce competitor with a killer smile, Rich suffered from bouts of constipation that often made him appear irritable and hid his kind inner heart and warm personality. He served as High Hat in 1994 and won the low gross award twice and the low net once. Among his many contributions Rich sponsored Golfer Emeritus Jeff Siegfried. Putter Exchange Testimonial This past summer I was in a putter dilemma. White Hottie, my Odyssey White Hot #5 putter, developed a lump under her insert. It wasn’t cancer, but it was enough to impact her consistency. I considered insert enSports A hancement Huge Putter surgery, but those fake inserts just don’t feel the same as natural ones. I couldn’t just throw her away or leave her at the local miniature golf course to be banged and abused by some 8 year old on a sugar rush. Then I remembered hearing about The Putter Exchange (TPE), Jeff Siegfried’s gift to golfers who suffer from putter angst. Three Share Iron Hat Award Sporting a huge putter inventory of 250-300 new and vintage putters, I was hoping that TPE might have the same or similar model. Brown, MacFarland & Pace Go 8 for 8 The hardcore regulars continued to set My inquiry to TPE was greeted with a warm response, “Pretty sure we the attendance standard for Tin Hats. have a supple, wanton and slightly slutty version of White Hottie that The Golf Committee apparently liked might be willing to pull a few tricks for you.” Within a few days a box of 6 the venues they had chosen for the putters shows up at my door. Two weeks later another box with 7 more year. The committee chairmen Ron show up. It was almost overwhelming. Odysseys, Scotty Camerons, Pace and Donald Brown came to play Pings, blades, mallets, offsets, you name it. After several rounds, I cozied with both having perfect attendance. up to an Odyssey #1 White Hot blade putter. She was every bit the slut For Brown, it was his third straight year that I was promised that was more than willing to pull tricks all day. After of perfect attendance. Dave “Booger” one round where she went down on four birdie putts, I knew I had found a MacFarland continued his dominating new soul mate. five year streak of perfect attendance. Now that he has retired, it appears that When I showed up at Omni Cable to return an arm full of putters, the young fellow who greeted me obviously had seen the drill before. Without the streak will continue for the indefimissing a beat, he blurted, “Putter Exchange? Down the hall, last office nite future. This year’s runner’s up on your left.” were Bruce Crowly, Mark Deese, Bill Goodwin and Larry Low who each went But the story does not end there. Christmas 7 for 8. Eve, another box shows up at my door. Inside was a Christmas card from The Putter Exchange along with a brand new putter cover. The card read, “The Putter Exchange never forgets its clients”. It was the kind of customer service you only expect at the Ritz Charlton. Christmas Surprise I am sure St. Andrew, the patron saint of golfers, would bless The Putter Exchange! 1st Time 3rd Time 5th Time A Satisfied Customer The Rookie Report With a recent fresh crop of Associates in the fold, it is time to give them their grades and feedback. The Associates were graded by various Active & Active Retired Tin Hats. All were graded in seven areas: 1) Ass Kissing 2) Golf Game 3) Attentiveness 4) Tangibles/ Intangibles 6) Galactic Karma 7) Attendance In establishing the rating panel we tried to assure we had balance, depth and strong opinions. No mealy mouthed “Good Guy” comments. We wanted individuals that enjoy providing a good kick in the groin. With that intro our esteemed panelists are: Ray “Old Wrinkly Ass” Low 55 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Having Ass Kissed Jeff “Mr. Golf” Siegfried 16 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Golfing Skills Mark “Ketel One” Deese 18 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Attentiveness Hugh “Mr. Intangible” McGrogan 13 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Tangibles/Intangibles Judges Commentary—Jeff Condinho Has yet to properly kiss the ass of his elders, although the mustache has some tickling appeal. Jeff is a big hitter that can bomb ‘em with the best, but gets the yips the closer his ball is to the hole. Always willing to grab a drink for others. Jeff’s tangibles are almost intangible, which makes him a rare find, His clean shaven top gives off great karma and could be mistaken for one of the Galilean moons found around Jupiter or Saturn. Seems to have joke potential, but a little reluctant to let one rip. Had a decent attendance, but just below the four meeting minimum. ED OT VE M TI O PR AC TO Bill “Kookaloo” Krause 32 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Galactic Karma D TE E O V OM TI PR AC TO Judges Commentary—Al Friscia R BE AM LERT A Judges Commentary—Pat Melvin D TE E O V OM TI PR AC TO Judges Commentary—Mike Sullivan Mike early willingness to hear Razor Ray’s Viagra tale at the holiday luncheon, earned him early suck up marks. He can occasionally get hot on the golf course, but putts like a blind man. Knows how to work the room and keep the glasses filled. His high spirit and laugh are the kind of intangibles that make him a great playing partner. His politics are rumored to be left of Nancy Pelosi so his karma resonates like a Barney Frank pulsar in the Flaming Liberal Galaxy. Very good attendance, especially given his home in central New Jersey, shows the guy is a real gamer. Judges Commentary—Tim Cooney Pretty boy with an Irish smirk that knows his position. Along with kissing the Blarney Stone, he know how to kiss the crinkled buttocks of his seniors. A low handicapper that can clean your clock. His Boy Scout image has several Tin Hats comparing him to be “The Next John Shaffer”, but there is a bit of a devil underneath the cherub face that has the Irish predisposition to the bottle. Don’t let his quiet charm fool you. He has the kind of vibe you can only find in the Kilarney Klusters of the Conundrum Galaxy. Couldn’t tell a good joke if there was a gun at his head. But a s solid citizen that is a regular attendee. The newest kind on the block, John has paid respect to the appropriate asses when given the opportunity. A decent golfer, has the young family that limits his rounds. Needs to hustle a few more drinks to the regulars to up his value. As a newbee, getting us into a club we haven’t visited would raise his tangible stock. He has an Andromeda strain of karma that is very contagious. However kid, a joke is defined as “something said or done to evoke laughter”. Try it sometime. For a new guy, this kid has shown a lot of promise and has been a regular attendee. You gotta’ love the Bow Tie Guy. Although he is no spring chicken, he knows how to kiss even the most wrinkled ass. After his smoking round at The Ridge, he could be a real threat to Mr. Golf as the lowest Tin Hat handicapper. As a Lyngarkos sponsored protégé, the man knows a good drink and can tell some great jokes. Screw intangibles, let’s talk tangibles. This man has had us play at Lehigh CC in 2012 and lined up Lancaster CC in 2013. Lloyd clearly has his priorities. The bow tie gives off the karma found in the tiny Pee Wee Cluster. The man is a real player and demonstrated solid attendance at the 2012 meetings. Pat has always sucked up to his seniors. When it comes to golf, he is a very accomplished fly fisherman, but his self deprecation and humor on the course always make him a good cart mate. Always willing to grab drinks for the table or flag a waitress down when a glass gets empty. Lining up a future venue down in Delaware can only help boost his tangible stock. Gives off a positive karma you can only find in the Wing Nut galaxy among the Stooges planetary system among the Moons of Curly. Pat has always been a solid citizen consistently exceeding the four meeting minimum. Dave “Iron Hat” MacFarland 6 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Attendance Judges Commentary—John Grozier Reports are his mustache has tickled the proper wrinkles. The Tin Hat venues have proved a little more challenging to Al than the chip & putt courses he favors in the Poconos. He can pound them down, but needs to spend a little more time hustling a few drinks for others as well as bringing either some tangibles or intangibles to the table. A big Boy George fan, he definitely gives off that Karma Chameleon vibe found in the Metro Sexual nebula. Hate to break the news, but has to show us more than a bad knock-knock joke. Solid attendee met four outing minimum. Judges Commentary—Lloyd Jones Jack “The Jokeman” Beiter 32 Tin Hat Years Expertise: Joke Telling Judges Commentary—Charles MacDonald Boom Boom came busting on the scene with a big reputation and high expectations as the McGrogan protégé that sucked up to all the right people. The Boomer’s golf game has never been his strong suit, but he brings the kind of intangibles that make him a loveable whack job. An Amber Alert was issued for the Boomer following his disappearance after the Llanerch outing when he went on the injured reserve list. Search parties have been scouring the region’s bars and gentlemen’s clubs, only to be stuck with his bar tab. His type karma can only be found in the Vulva Nebula on the planet Kardashian. The man supposedly has some grade “A” jokes, but until he heals up we won’t get to judge his material. Judges Commentary—Brendan Powell Overcoming the burden of having Bob Powell as his father, Brendan has always kissed the right asses. His golf game is decent and he knows the difference between the Ladies & Members Tees. Needs to work the room and hustle more drinks when glasses get light, nobody likes sucking on ice cubes. This is a golfing group, so getting your ass in gear. Hosting an event will help your stock. He has an aura I once felt in Yabba Dabba Dual Star. Silence is not golden, even his old man could tell a bad joke. Making the four meeting minimum makes him a player. Judges Commentary—Jeff Shewman One of the newest rookies, Jeff has shown spunk and prefers having his ass kissed. A single handicap golfer, it is yet to be determined if he can hold that number once he establishes a Tin Hat handicap. In his limited appearances, he could use some work on hustling drinks. Hooking us up at Penn Oaks can help his stock. We are all hoping that sponsor Peter Bellwoar’s chatter has not tainted his karma before the head Kookaloo has a change to get a good read on him. Suspect he has the vide of the Shewby Doo Super Nova. We have yet to see if he has any side splitting jokes. Early indications are the boy’s a player that will make the minimum appearances. BASK IN THE INFINITE WISDOM OF Crowli Lama, Every year at the holiday luncheon some guy named Joe “That Prick in the Middle” Myshko shows up and bust everyone’s balls. Can anyone tolerate this whack job? FIND ANSWERS TO TIN HAT MYSTERIES Mike—Lebanon, NJ Mike, Crowli Lama, Crowli Lama, You put me in a difficult position. It is true How would you describe your golf game? Mark Deese’s signature goatee is always a Jack—Lafayette Hills, PA topic of conversation. One rumor is that it’s a that nobody can bust balls like, Myshko. However, he is also Jack, vestige of his youth when he worked in the the guy that sponsored me into My golf game and I adult film industry. Is that true? the Tin Hats, so I have a soft have always had a sort Steve—Allentown, PA spot in my heart for that old of love-hate relationSteve, prick. The only person that can ship. I think the best The fact that Mark keep him in check is his wife, description of my game looks like an aging Angie. You’d have to be a is “public masturbaporn star supports Old Pricks saint to stay with Joe as long tion”. It is very hard those rumors, but Patron Saint as she has. I guess you for others to watch, but there is only a sliver could say she’s the patron saint of old pricks. Hard To Watch It it does give me a cerof truth to his adult Industry Star tain perverse sense of pleasure. film star past. Some Childhood Idol Crowli Lama, mistakenly think he was a Everyone knows Jeff Siegfried’s love of golf Crowli Lama, Mitch Miller wannabe as a and his traveling all over the country to play I’m not sure, but I’m almost positive I saw wherever he can. What does it take to drag kid. However, Mark is George Lyngarkos in a Southern Comfort comhim off the course? alleged to model his “porn mercial. Was it really him? John—West Chester, PA Ed—Naples, FL look” after 70’s adult film John, industry star Buck Naked. Ed, Mr. Golf’s love of It appears to be Mark got enamored with the game is rea simple case of Buck after seeing his nown. I checked mistaken identibreakout first movie, In in with the golfing ty. We all know Diana Jones and the Temmaster and he told that the hardest ple of Poon. Buck went on Buck’s Breakout Role me he only had working man in one close call. It to star in Saturday Night Beaver. Anus & the lighting occurred a few Andy, and the Rambone series. Mark went business is years ago while on on to become a lush and a dirty old man. known to do vacation. The just about anyCrowli Lama, villas he and his thing to make a I heard that former Tin Hat Historian and wife were staying sale, but even three time Hat winner Bob Davis has expericaught fire in the Lyngarkos Look-a-like? Not Quite George would enced a detached rectum. How’s he doing? middle of a round not stoop to sporting a Speedo on national at the Kapalua Wife Suffered Minor Burns & TV. The dead give-a-way is what he’s not Jack—Radnor, PA Resort in Hawaii. Smoke Inhalation holding. No one has ever seen George withJack, Fortunately Jeff was out his cell phone and everyone knows that You have been given a misdiable to finish his round after getting word his he’s is a vodka drinker. agnosis of Bob’s medical condiwife had escaped with minor burns and smoke tion. He did experience a deinhalation. Crowli Lama, I was at the Trenton CC meeting back in May. tached retina in his eye, but is Crowli Lama, I had the shit scared out of me when I thought well on his way to recovery. For a long time Jack Beiter had developed a Bob assures us that as long as I saw Bob Powell’s version of Mini Me standing reputation for telling bad jokes that made he maintains a high fiber diet, next to him. Please don’t tell me Powell found Brown Eye is A-ok! everyone groan. The past two years he everything is a way to clone himself. seems to have made quite a comeback, rankA-ok down at the other end. Gene—Merion Station, PA You may have confused Bob’s ing up there with George Lyngarkos worthy Gene, condition to another one that material. What changed? Not to worry. The federal Bill—Horsham, PA is common to many Tin Hats. government has Bob on Bill, Among the more notables, it’s “Unfit For Cloning” list. The Historian, Bob Powell and Jack’s joke problems started back in the What you likely saw was 1950’s when he became enamored by vaudeKevin O’Rourke have long Larry Low’s guest Larry ville comedian Henny Youngman. He bought Has The Symptoms suffered from detached recFit & Unfit Rodger. There similarities a book of Youngman’s favorite one liners and tums and the side effects of being full of shit. end at hair styles. Larry is a class guy, good kept trying to use them at joke time. “I was O’Rourke has never gone public with his ailgolfer and someone you would want to hang ment, but it is clear that he has been suffering so ugly when I was born, that the doctor with. Bob Powell is, well, not Larry Rodger. slapped my mother! A doctor gave me six and demonstrating all the symptoms of this months to live. When anal malady. Crowli Lama, I told him I couldn’t What is The Historian inspiration of his annual Crowli Lama, pay, he gave me six report? more.” Recently he What are your predictions for next year? Lloyd—Allentown, PA Harry—Bryn Mawr, PA cut a deal with longLloyd, time antagonist Kevin Harry, Here is a real shocker. The O’Rourke that if he I predict the following for 2013: Historian grew up consuming stopped hitting reply to There will be a Tin Hat hole in one every Mad Magazine that was all, Kevin would feed I will not win The Hat ever published. Some kids him some decent ma Razor Ray’s ass will add a few wrinkles never grow up! terial. “Take my wife … please!” What Me Worry? You all will still suck! The Crowli Lama
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