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Poo
Friday, April 1, 2004
7
SGA ELECTIONS CANCELED!
New method modeled after NBC’s highly successful cut-throat reality faceoff
By Paul Schxizzowhniowskiii
Student Government Association’s (SGA)
voting day has been canceled and The Rider
University Network (RUN) has secured a
contract to produce a television reality series,
which will determine which students are chosen for SGA positions.
Inspired by The Apprentice, The RUN
series will also air on the FOX network. This
version will be different from the NBC original by contestant selection — candidates running for SGA positions. Rider figured more
people would watch the show than vote, so
the reality game show will determine the
winners of the election. The series idea came
from the combined efforts of Rider SGA
advisor Darrin Torksha and head creator of
FOX television programming Gree D. Jones.
“Instead of a billionaire telling young
business school graduates to go around New
York and make money, we’re going to make
Photo composite by Spicy Tuna Roll business school undergraduate students make
Members of RUN told President Josiah Rozinski that it was NOT some profit right on their college campus,”
necessary for him to grow his hair out in attempt to look like Don- said Jones. “We picked Rider because of its
excellent business reputation, its new conald Trump, but Rozinksi insisted on going the extra mile.
struction efforts, its technology savvy RUN,
the fact that no one in the country knows
Save a cow, eat a baby
where it is and its abundance of rich-kid students. Have you seen the tuition costs for that
place? Those kids have got to be rich.”
Jones listed some of the tasks and profitmaking schemes the SGA candidates would
perform, like opening up cranberry juice
stands, starting a service delivering ducks in
black duffel bags to classrooms and selling
sweatshirts based on Rider’s swimming and
diving teams. Instead of RUSDT (Rider
University Swimming and Diving Teams)
the sweatshirts would read RUSTD. The
programming creator mentioned each contestant could also come up with his or her own
ideas.
“I’m definitely going to use a previously
successful idea of eating any disgusting mixture of ingredients from Daly’s,” said current
SGA President Boom Colontoni. “Except
for the show I’ll eat any concoction of what
students can find in the parking lot.”
Administrators at Rider are also excited
about the TV show since they get to pick
some of the tasks contestants will need to
complete and still make a profit.
“That one annoying SGA nerd is finally
going to get what’s coming to him,” said
Dean Mel Hellmans. “Imagine a dunk tank
filled with those disgusting burnt chees-
esteaks from the diner. We figure about a
nickel a throw could attract a decent amount
of patrons.”
Since the winner of the show doesn’t get
an internship and a fat salary, but instead wins
next year’s SGA positions students would still
be involved in determining who gets eliminated. After watching the hard work of the
contestants and seeing how much profit each
generated, viewers at home get to call in and
vote. Based on those votes the show’s version
of Trump would then decide whom to eliminate.
“We did hit one snag during the development period, who would replace billionaire
Trump as the star?” said fellow billionaire and
owner of Fox’s parent company News Corp.
Rupert Murdoch. “But now we got someone
just by following the Rider theme – the series
will star millionaire Rider President Josiah
Rozinski.”
The network has also leaked Rosinski’s
version of “You’re Fired.” Instead when students get eliminated from the show, the
Canadian University president will exclaim,
“U R not connected!”
By Mozo Ahn
Babies are high in carbs. Honestly, don’t eat them, okay? Really.
However, others still
maintain that toddlers pose
no immediate diet threats.
Lemuel Gulliver, a chef at
Lawrenceville’s hip restaurant Laputa, says that baby
dishes are as popular as
ever.
“If anything, there’s
more of a demand, especially among college students,”
said Gulliver. “Mostly outof-towners and the like
look for alternatives—but
most don’t mind what goes
into a meal.”
In response to the
Science
Department’s
findings, Daly’s workers
have vowed to reduce the
amount of baby meat used
each day.
“We want to appeal
to those that are trying to cut back on their
carb intakes,” said cook
Winston Chalhoon.
O’Shea, meanwhile,
suggests dieters try children from other parts of
SEC Film Double Feature:
Dora Does Dallas &
Ernest Goes to School
7:30 p.m., BLC Theater
Simba’s Pain
8 p.m., Yvonne Theater
Klemchalkapalooza
8 p.m., BLC Pub
Streaking through
the Quad
Bring your green hat!
Photo Composite by Doc Al
the world, especially Latin
America. He also said that
babies grown on New Jersey
farms and the Science
Building Green House are
surprisingly healthy.
“The study showed
that locally grown children
are high in calcium and
Vitamin C,” said O’Shea.
“There is an increased
demand for babies in the
US. New Jersey is rising to
meet that demand and the
Rider Science Department
will be at the forefront.”
SUNDAY
SEC Film:
Dora The Explorer Attacks
7:30 p.m., BLC Theater
Ceremony for trip to
Iraq winners
7 p.m., Cavalla Room
Westminster Opera:
Smurfs: The Opera
7 p.m., Bristol Chapel
APRIL 4
TUESDAY
APRIL 5
APRIL 2
SATURDAY
Lunchbox Lecture
Series: Picking Peter
Piper’s Peppers
Noon, BLC Theater
Motivational Speaker:
Anwar Robinson
7 p.m., BLC Theater
Kickoff Party for
SGA Apprentice
9 p.m., Bronc Diner
Yodeling Lessons
11 a.m., Bristol Chapel
Geese Hunting
3 p.m., Centennial Lake
Making Cheat Sheets
for Dummies
7 p.m., BLC Theater
WEDNESDAY
APRIL 6
SEC Film:
Dora Does Dallas
7:30 p.m., BLC Theater
Simba’s Pain
8 p.m., Yvonne Theater
Doin it Rutgers Style
Bronc Buffet
10 p.m., Daly’s
MONDAY
Thumb Wrestlemania:
The Queen of Thumbs
7:30 p.m., Maurer Gym
Speed Dating
6 p.m., Nella’s Sushi Bar
THURSDAY
APRIL 7
APRIL 1
FRIDAY
APRIL 3
Dieters may be getting
more than their daily
intake of carbohydrates
from babies, said the newly
appointed head of Rider’s
Science Department.
Doctor Neil O’Shea,
13, lead the study, examined the impact of infants
and small children upon
those following the Atkins
diet. O’Shea said his team
was especially keen on dishes from various European
states.
“It has come to our
attention that dishes served
with Irish children have
the highest levels of carbohydrates,” said O’Shea.
“We theorize this is due to
the large quantities of potatoes served to plumpen the
children.”
British
children,
though not prized as a
delicacy, showed similar
results, while the research
found Greek and Italian
infants to be the healthiest. O’Shea further advised
that toddler dishes should
be eaten in moderation.
“Infants are not meant
to be eaten daily,” said
O’Shea. “The child may
have been exposed to ailments such as mad cow
disease.”
Free Acupuncture
11 a.m., Daly’s Board Room
Pub Apple Juice Night
11 p.m., BLC Pub
Photo by Spicy Tuna Roll
President Mort Rozinski, Dean Ira Mayonnaise, Janitor Tony Campbell and Dave Keenan-Ivory Wayans are joined by groupie Philly Flackjacked as Rider’s Real Ghostbusters. Since coming together earlier this month, the group has PNG’ed over 50 supernatural visitors.
We ain’t afraid of no ghosts
By Vinnie McFly
One month ago today a ghost hunter
by the name of John Zaffis rocked the BLC
Theater with one stunning announcement:
Rider is haunted. Five ghosts inhabit the
Fine Arts building and two in a sorority
building nearby.
Today, one organization is now ready
to handle the problem. The unstoppable,
undeniable force that is Dean Mayonnaise,
Janitor Campbell, President Rozinski and
Dave Keenan-Ivory Wayans – Rider’s Real
Ghostbusters.
“As soon as we learned Rider was haunted, we decided to take action into our own
hands, after all, we ain’t afraid of no ghosts!”
the up-and-coming janitor explained. “We
took office in the BLC and began researching some paranormal leads through Tobin’s
Spirit Guide, which we were able to access
through the Library.”
After his suspicion that the Conover
Residence Hall was haunted by a pair of
large dog-like creatures were confirmed by
his floor mates, Rider senior Pete Zedimore
said he knew who he had to call.
“I asked my RA, who now refers to
himself exclusively as ‘The Keymaster,’ to
place a work order through the Facilities
system for a ghost-infestation and low-andbehold these four guys showed up,” he said.
“Rozinski and Campbell were really shaken
up and hiding underneath my coffee table
for most of the time, but Mayonnaise and
Keenan-Ivory Wayans went in there and
represented, they had those ghosts begging
for mercy in minutes.”
The Financial Aid office has been a
large source of work for the quartet, said
Mayonnaise, who claims the office accounts
for one-third of all their business.
“Apparently there are a lot of really upset
ghosts in the Bursar’s Office,” he said. “Who
would have ever thought anyone would be
interested in spending all of eternity haunting the people in there?”
As essential as a ghostbusting organization at Rider is now, Keenan-Ivory Wayans
said students would be surprised how difficult it was to get started.
“If you think it’s hard going to Finance
Board for a couple hundred bucks, try asking them for the kind of money it takes to
shell out for proton packs, a containment
unit, traps, a PKE meter, nifty uniforms, a
decked-out ambulance and our own secre-
tary,” he laughed.
With business somewhat slow since
busting a majority of the supernatural activity at Rider, the four have inadvertently taken
to confronting regular campus violations as
well because as Rozinski said, bustin’ makes
him feel good.
“Well it started one night last week
when we thought we were busting a particularly scary-looking ghost, who was spewing
vile liquids at us from her mouth, but it
wound up just being a really drunk freshman,” Rozinski laughed. “Some people get
scared when they see an RA at the door, but
when you’ve got four nuclear-powered proton lasers pointed at your head, it tends to
break up your party just a little bit faster.”
Janitor Campbell said, in addition to
ridding the campus of paranormal visitors,
being a Rider Real Ghostbuster comes with
certain perks.
“The ladies all go wild for us whenever
we show up in our Ghostmobile. I think it’s
the uniforms, it’s definitely the uniforms,” he
smiled. “As a matter of fact, after we cleared
the Library its ghost problems, I got hit on
by that hottie Provost, Philly Flackjacked. I
LOVE THIS TOWN!”