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Monash Student
Association (Clayton) Incorporated (MSA). Lot’s Wife is published on behalf of MSA. All enquiries about the
reproduction and communication of material from Lot’s Wife should be directed to MSA.
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FROM THE CREATORS OF "FARGO"
" * * * * - A terrifically wild, one-of-a-kind,
belly laugh funny, satirical comedy."
Daphine Davis, Movies & Stars
JEFF BRIDGES
JOHN GOODMAN
JULIANNE MOORE
\
STEVE BUSCEMI
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JOHN TURTURRO
RESTRICTIONS APPLY TO PERSONS
UNDER 15 YEARS
MEDIUM LEVEL VIOLENCE
COARSE LANGUAGE
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A N E W F I L M BY T H E C O E N B R O S
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OPENS APRIL 9 AT SELECTED CINEMAS
CHECK DIRECTORIES FOR DETAILS
L 0 T.' S
CONTENTS
In This iSdition:
« » — Trx l e
edition
#2,
IPpH
Abortion
Conspiracy Section
Disability Awareness Week •
Eating Disorders
Comedy Festival Lift-Out
Stereophonies Interview
page 11
page 16
page 26
page 28
page 35
page 41
?h: C'"»^) 9 9'^i^ 3 i n 3
xour Hegular Sectians:
Sa.T,: ( 0 3 ) 9 9 0 5
4.
7.
11.
23.
35.
38.
43.
58.
i*lll5
Advertising: (ri3) 9?''^^ 3^^^
CREDITS
Editors
Sub-Editors
Dan Celm
Michelle Davies
Chris King
Asha Holmes
Pip Hughes
VISUAL ARTS:
Advertising
NEWS:
David Buchler
JenCas
Kathryn James
Typesetting
Letters to the Editors
News
Opinions
MSA Reports
Creative Writing
Ok Computer Pages
Arts & Entertainment
Sport
Plus:
Munch Me, From the Bar Room Floor, Bundaberg Photo
Page, The Fashion Guru, Tool of the Week, Top Tens,
Cartoons, Lot's On, Quizzes, Prizes, No Activities Report,
and a whole lot more...
Tamsin Molesworth
ENTERTAFNMENT:
Applause, Applause:
VOLUNTEER CO-ORDINATOR:
Claire Hammond
PERFORMING ARTS:
Emma Hunt
The nominees for "Best Vollies" are;
Will Fowles, Kanela, Liam, Sophie
Alanna Maguire, Suzie, JC Cullum,
Wayne Porter, Dave McDave, Ren,
Michael Power, Georgia Holt, CJ, Kim
Pearce, Kim again, Joey Jo Jo, Lisa Cox,
Sammie, Ashley, Tenuja, Alyssa, Ada
Lam, Jess Stokes, The Bar, Dave B,
Maria, Who went around ripping out
page forty-nine from every edition 2?,
Aaron, Alicia, Gav, Gill, Mike, AnnMarie, Sam Taylor, Kate Clavarino, Mark
McCabe.Caroline Scott, Victoria Clyne,
Owen Woodberry, Michelle, Rosa.
Thankyou, please come again.
Editorial Policy
The iipiiiioivs expressed in this publication are not neccssarily rhose of Ihe editors or Ihe MSA, If you think someone will
care about your opinion, give it to iis on a piece of paper
(typed! or a disk (Word for Windows) However, not everything is published as we are limited fur space.If your article is
not printed it's probably because u) it was rascist. mililaris*
tic. homophobic or sexist b) it was crap or c)because due to
our shoe-string budget, we couldn't afford the space. If you
want to have a whinge about any of the above, feel free to drop
by the office and see whether or not the editors are having a
good day Nine times out of ten. they OK not. Otherwise, go
sook to your mates. Lot' Wife is an MSA publication and is
printed by our mates down at Westernpon Prtnting If you've
just read this editorial policy, we'll expect to sec you in the
office .soon,
Megan Pearson
G
S O L U Tl
MUSIC:
Andrew James
Anthony Brasher
Luke Oliver
SPORT:
Marc Jongebloed
Richard John.son
INFO TECH:
Ronny Liew
Keith Kendall
Leslie Liew
Nick Mann
A hospiialify course
1haf gdsyoumt!''
MELBOURNE'S MOST
FLEXIBLE INDUSTRY IS AN
EASY WAY THROUGH UNI.
DECIDE WHERE YOU
WANT TO WORK & I WILL
TRAIN YOU AND
GET YOU A SHIFT
CREATIVE WRITING:
Helena Sverdlin
KobiLeins
INTERNET:
Oliver Daly
Michael Stillwell
Tip of t h e Page; check each page f o r a proverb, joke, hint or giveaway.
,ma
GfOCKWORK
Enquines :
'J>honc Cassandra 330-6pm.
Phone: (03| 9663 0000
Mobile: 041 I 564 621
. ..,..-.'..«.i^a
W' letten to the editon
'
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Wholefoods: An
Orwelllan Nightmare?
Life On Planet Monash
Big Brother
Old Hacks Never Die.
Dear Lot's,
Dear Lot's,
To Lot's,
Dear Lot's,
Wholefoods is new and improved. War
is peace. Freedom is slavery
Phil (edn 2) may not have much of a
sense of humour but we do, and in our
opinion, Lot's is trying a little too hard
to be funny. There is something
incredibly puerile, not to mention
inherently unimaginative about the
endless anal sex, lesbian and
masturbation (did you know that girls
do it too?) jokes appearing on almost
every page. If you really do love the
paper as much as you pretend to do,
you might show a little respect for your
editorial policy.
People would have seen the notices
posted in a number of "strategic"
locations around the University stating
that "for security purposes this area is
under constant video surveillance." At
a rumoured cost of $250,000, I ask;
"For whose security?" The placement
of these cameras suggests they are
not meant for security of persons but
for secuhty of property. I don't know of
any women (or men) who have been
attacked outside the Administration
building, or in front of the union building
wall. In fact, these areas are well lit
and popular, as opposed to more
isolated areas of campus where
personal security really is an issue.
Anonymous (coward) Z: "Democracy"
doesn't mean you can buy whatever
you want to buy. That's called
consumerism, a by-product of
capitalism. Democracy comes from
the Ancient Greek: the majority rule.
The majority makes a decision, and
you abide by it As for using clean
water, and dead children being good
for the environment - how irritatingly
ignorant.
One thing that George Orwell
successfully conveyed in 1984 was
that when the people who supposedly
represent you manage to convince the
population with absolute bullshit,
something is seriously wrong.
Hopefully Monash students can read
between the lines of articles like Sam
Harrison's on Wholefoods. Sam implies that things are rosy at
Wholefoods, ignoring the fact that people who used to enjoy volunteering in
the restaurant can no longer do so. He
also pats MSA on the back for employing students, when in fact Wholefoods
has always employed students.
So who is doing the extra cooking,
cleaning, serving, decorating and advertising that the collective and volunteers used to do? Ovenworked staff
and the new co-ordinator are. Is she
getting paid overtime, and if so where
is the extra revenue coming from to
afford it?
Furthermore, Sam asserts that losses
in past years justified MSA's radical
changes. He doesn't explain why
Wholefoods made losses in 1994-5,
or mention the profits it has made
previously.
Don't believe the hype! Sign the
petition and demand an SGM about
Wholefoods!
In a paper produced under such
budgetary constraints, isn't it a little
self-indulgent to include a full page
spread of two sub-editors (couldn't find
any other students on campus?). Are
they running for Lot's next year? We
wouldn't give a fuck who the Lot's
editors were if they had half the
integrity they pretended to have in
elections last year. GROW UP and get
some perspective.
Thouroughly disappointed
old liacl<s
Law/Com 6, Law/Arts 5
PS Kristina, if you think last year's
paper was over-politicised you should
get back to that rock of ignorance you
crawled out from under.
PPS Can someone organise a 'fuck'
for the Iron Fish s/he sounds like s/he
needs one.
There's no ophrodisiac
like alcohol
Dear Lot's.
Just thought I'd...
O^vip
Slatts
Bar
paged
So beware. DISSENT WILL NOT BE
TOLERATED.
Nicole Rodger
Animal Farm
Dear Lot's,
Hal Greenham
Arts 3
drop a line.
I regard these security cameras as just
one example of a wider move towards
political persecution, repression, and
intimidation of students at Monash.
This comes in the wake of expressions
of student unrest and dissatisfaction
with University policies and priorities,
as evidenced by the anti-fees Tent City
and the Union Building mural.
I want to complain about live animal
transport. Not that I have a problem
with it per se, but why the fuck do they
have to point them inwards? Little baa
lambs' heads waving in the breeze can
be quite pleasant scenery, adding a
sort of country atmosphere to
suburban traffic. I do not, however,
appreciate a long line of bovine
bumholes, sheep sphincters and pig
pooholes. This is anything but pleasing
to the average motorist. Why can't the
RACV release an ad like that by the
RSPGA?
Adam
Arts/Law 4
Punch: Grow up, we're not your
mother. Your innocent "I'm-aconfused-littlG-boy" act isn't cutesy. It's
offensive and so are your assumptions
about women. This Battle of the Sexes
isn't funny or liberating for women. It's
setting up another mode of competition
(like Arts vs. Eng) to divide people.
Students don't need to set up more
divisions, or to exacerbate them.
Further on that note: welcome to all
first years. Don't feel excluded by
those who would pick on first years,
they just have a little longevity / ego
complex - they'll get over it. Have fun
and get involved. Whatever you do,
there's bound to be a club or someone
else to do it with around here
somewhere.
Finally a quick word to the Vice
Chancellor-you swindle money from
students and allow the education
system to go to privatised,
deregulated, corporate-driven dhbble.
You have a responsibility to the
community and you've sold out. Scab.
If you can sleep at night you're taking
too many Valium.
Hugs for all the lovely planet Monash
people.
Anna Barrett
Where's Shtepa?
Dear Lof's,
I give up. I have spent hours stahng at
the front cover of the Union Diary,
1998, and I still cannot find Wally.
Julia Shtepa
Never eat meat t h a t you cannot recognize.
^\vK'
Missing: Jacket
Z's Dead, Baby...
Dear Lot's
'We love our Nestles'. Who are you,
Z? Just having a bit of a read, It is clear
that you are inherently incapable of
thought. Furthermore, you had to prey
on the comic genius of the preceding
article. And so you wrote, espousing
the right to choose.
And while you stir those less fascist
than yourself by highlighting the infinite
benefits of killing small children, all and
sundry have concluded that you are a
silly right-wing tool, incapable of
thinking, or for that matter, having
morals.
But, always remember, my naive
simpleton, in writing, in debating, in
shitting people off, you fell for it.
AGAIN!
We win. Again.
Lots of love,
Sam (aka S)
Dear Lot's,
and listen as they whisper: 'I'm sorry
but you've confused me with someone
who gives a fuck...about what you
think.'
Damien Welch
Arts II
PS Perhaps you should make the
switch to 'clean water', because you
have access to it; and because there
is something wrong in what you're
drinking,
Dear Lot's,
Regarding the Nestl6 boycott article by
Z:
As to your climactic argument
regarding
'democracy'
and
'dictatorship', make a choice and bring
your own 'cool, hard Kit Kat' and 'icecold milo' to uni with you! In fact, make
a special stop-off. Or even get
somebody to pack 'em in your lunchbox, in which you are a legend. Shove
willfully these products in the faces of
the 'freaks' who haunt your lunch hour
Dear Loterinos,
To the person who accidentally
mistook my Black Linen Grip jacket for
theirs, for whatever reason, please
give it back! Stealing my car and my
bag Is one thing, but stealing the
clothes off my back is another. It is
ridiculous to think that one can't leave
their belongings unattended for a few
minutes without some desperate,
misguided, selfish individual coming
along and taking not their purse, but
their jacket from their bag. Monash has
a market that sells second hand stuff,
especially jackets, if that's what you
prefer. It would be greatly appreciated
if it was returned, as it has more
sentimental value than what It's worth.
There is an $80 reward on its return to
the Union Info Desk.
Welcome first years, one and all. Sorry
this greeting is late, but on reading the
last issue of Lot's, we realized we
needed to give Arts students a break
{ie: to think of a witty reply). So; 'Hi',
nice to meet you all! It's comforting to
see all you fresh-faced (read virgin),
bright-eyed (read naive) and optimistic
(read dimwitted) Jatfy cunts.
Thanks,
Elaine B
We must admit, not all first years are
Jaffys, but a select few give you a bad
name. These few stay in High School
mode, where image is everything,
thirst is nothing. These people can be
spotted prancing around quoting their
TER. "I got 95.4 for mine", to which
one replies: "So fucking what! Will that
get you laid?"
Apparently there is also one Jaffy
walking around with a lubed up, 12
inch, black dildo. Why? It's a security
blanket. Where'd he get it? Private
School.
A quick final note to Phil Crohn:
Science is fair game, but nobody gives
a shit about them.
Jo
Com 3
Here endeth the diatribe.
Aaron & Simon
Eng IV
And hooray for sensitive, groundbreaking humour. Nestle is 'reducing
the world's surplus population' and
'rectifying the problem of hunger.' Ha
fucking ha, ha.
Nestle's practices in various parts of
the world are recognised as abhorrent.
The boycott is a start, a positive step,
and your take on it is positively meanspirited. You shit-stir for the sake of
shit-stirring.
Dear Lot's,
First off, I'd like to say as a student
and individual at Monash you are
entitled to your own opinion. Whilst
these may differ from others, I do not
denigrate or disrespect them. However
an opinion carries no weight if you are
too scared to put your name to it. In
future show some Monash guts and
stand up for your convictions.
Othen/vise don't waste paper.
The enigmatic 'Z' {We love our Nestle,
edition 2) is yet another proponent of
the excruciatingly boring disdain for
any positive action or activism at
Monash.
More Eng Crap
It's nice to say
Tttank-you
To ttiose who need
a lecture...
(Q) What do you call an Arts student
with a brain?
(A) Arts/Eng
Yodel-ay, tiuti wtio?
Dear Lot's,
Dear Lot's,
I'd just like to send a big THANK YOU
to whoever found my purse in
Wholefoods on Tuesday 24 March and
handed it In. As well as saving me from
replacing every ID card I own, you
have justified my faith in human
nature. They are mostly honest people
out there - believe it! Thanks also to
the people who rang me to let me know
it had been found, thus saving me a
night of worry, which I thoroughly
deserved
due to
my
own
carelessness. Cheers,
I refuee t o have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
Kathryn James
Hello, it's nice to write to you for the
Dear Lot's,
first time this year Unfortunately this
will be a whinging letter. This is a short
I once had a moment of clarity...
note to students doing Management
They're rare, aren't they???
subjects. During lectures, would you
just SHUT THE FUCK UP! Some of
Yodel
us actually attend lectures in order to
hear what the lecturer has to say. I
. Z's Dead.
agree, some of the information is
boring, but you don't give me the
Dear Lot's,
chance to decide. I can't hear anything
over your idiotic prattle. If you don't
We heard that they closed down some
want to be there, LEAVE. 1 don't give
departments at Monash. What a
a shit, I just don't want to hear you.
classic!
Disgruntled
Arts IV
pages
Punching Judy
NTEU In the naughty
Dear LoVs,
Dear Lot's
Frankly, I was disappointed with Punch
& Judy's "Why women go to the toilet
in pairs" (edition 2). I can excuse
Punch for not knowing the reason, but
Judy! Girl, you're letting the team
down. Sure, we like to have a goss.
Sure, it's safe. But EVERYONE knows
the real reason we go in pairs is to play
Ping-Pong.
Just a quick comment on the farcical
event which was labelled as being
the NTEU's crowning achievement
for 1998. This was supposed to be
the union flexing its industrial
muscle. What a joke. Only two
faculties (out of ten) cancelled a
significant number of classes, and
most subjects went on unaffected.
Love and big wet kisses,
A Judy Wannabe
Not so long ago student newspapers across the state flourished. They were
the bastion of student interests, ideas and hopes. Then they were mercilessly
gunned down by a mystery assassin. Was it the Labor Government, who had
been planning "Operation VSU" for years? A premier rogue gunman, out to
vindicate a grudge? A conspiracy that went right up to the highest powers in
the land? It doesn't matter, the papers were mortally wounded, left to die a
slow death.
The sad thing is, this isn't a conspiracy theory, it's fact. Student newspapers
have been gutted in the name of "irrelevancy", killed off by a paranoid
government that thinks we funnel the money they give us into terrorist groups
around the world. Yet Lot's is about as relevant as it gets, because this
newspaper provides representation, a forum for student debate, a place
where students can be entertained and most of all feel like they belong to
something. The fact that we can only print forty-eight pages of student's
work evetythree weeks is a travesty, it'san indictment on therightsof students.
It is good to see that Monash staff
have the devotion and dedication to
students and our education which
the (Labor-dominated) IVISA is sadly
lacking.
Support Lot's , submit your articles, because that's the one thing that can't
be assassinated: your ideas.
When I arrived at Uni on strike day
at 9:30,1 was greeted by 3 adults
(teachers and/or ACTU officials) and
about half a dozen trots jumping in
front of each car as they tried to get
in. And what a performance it was.
Ivlost staff (if they took the day off)
must've gone fishing, or were playing
golf.
Anonymity is a privilege proffered to some authors in some publications. At
Lot's, there is no obligation for anyone to have their names printed to their
articles. However, anonymity is sometimes a privilege that is abused.
Chris
Dear LoVs Wife,
I found your article on female toiletry
habit enlightening. However, I feel that
both PUNCH and JUDY have missed
the true reason for this social phenomenon, due to their own personal problems. PUNCH is a very disorientated
young male who feels that to be a man
he has to have theories on female's
lesbian acts in the toilet. PUNCH, get
over it; it'll never happen.
However, I digress. I am here to tell all
males once and for all why females
traverse to the toilet in pairs. Females
go to the bathroom to hone in on their
PING PONG (aka Table Tennis) skills,
and as we all know PING PONG is a
two player game... PUNCH, no jokes
or fantasies about what they do with
the bats and balls after a session of
PING PONG. The groups of three and
above are when they want to play a
game of around the world, no joke!
I hope this clears the myths about the
ladies toilet.
Wuppie
Science 2
PS. I will take this chance to thank
Jeordi for this enlightening information.
PPS. Females out there who want to
know why males always "adjust"
themselves.. .that is another story.
page 6
f^y hearty congratulations to those
staff who chose to stand up and fight
the ACTU's strike mentality. Well
done.
Nick
Com/Eco II
Give us a Kiss
Dear Lot's,
What has happened to Hazelnut Tim
Tams? For the past few days I have
been searching high and low for my
favourite Tim Tam (well, I've been to
three supermarkets) and they are nowhere to be seen! I guess I could settle for the double coated Tim Tams
(which don't include as many in the
packet), the normal Tim Tams, or God
forbid, the caramel ones. But it's just
not the same thing. I hope no-one in
Tim Tam Land has decided to take
them off the market, because Hazelnut Tim Tams rock!!
Megan "Tim Tam lover" Pearson
PS. The first person who solves the
mystery and finds a packet of Hazelnut
Tim Tams for me gets a big kiss!
Writing is a way of exploring emotions and this is an important process.
Some topics are of a very private or personal nature, and accreditation could
amount to a confession. Similarly, some topics could jeopardize a person's
job or safety. In some instances, I find anonymity justifiable, but these are
the exceptions, rather than the aile. But, it is not these writings that I refer
to.
I refer to people refusing to put their name to their work due to fear of
criticism, ostracism or debate. If you can't put your name to your opinions
and ideas, if you are not prepared to defend them and be proud of them,
then do you really believe in them that strongly? Are they really worth having?
Having the courage to sign your name to your beliefs is a practice that I
encourage and admire. Respect your opinions and accept your responsibilities
as the author of those convictions.
Anonymous
I feel sorry for the MSA. It seems that no matter what it does at a political
level, it falls short of student's expectations. Sure, it might be lobbying the
government and university on important higher education issues, but it's
hard to defend the virtues of fighting up-front fees when a majority of your
constituency comes from middle-to-upper-class, private school backgrounds;
and it's tough to explain how shit VSU is to a generation of students who
don't know university life without it.
However, if there's one area where our office bearers could gain popular
support, it would be in rectifying the ludicrous car parking situation; a trivial
point I know, but one which has incurred the wrath of many a student. If car
parking has to be a user-pay system, then one would at least expect that if
one pays, one gets to user-da'-system! Paying $63 and then not even getting
a parking space is an unjustifiable situation, and one which should be rectified.
If the IVISA is serious about representing students, then it should lobby to
improve the transport around Monash. Fight to gain better public transport,
expand the carpooling system, and make sure that in future, the ratio of
permits to parking spaces is less than two to fucking one.
Dan
Ha, hal Made you !oo^t
NEW5
CYBERCRIME
ROCKS PENTAGON
When the Pentagon recently discovered
evidence of unauthorized access to
some of their files, they immediately
suspected a group of teenagers from
Israel who had accessed Defense
Department computers months before.
A few days after the admission of a
security breach, the homes of two high
school students from Cloverdale,
California, were raided and computing
gear
confiscated.
After
the
apprehension of the teens (known as
Makaveli and TooShort) on the February
25, the government began issuing
statements claiming no classified
documents had been accessed.
Considering that the US government
had made veiled claims that they knew
some Israeli hackers were behind the
incident, it seems that they knew what
was going on, but decided to make
examples of the only people they could
get their hands on. Guess they didn't
expect the Israeli Internet Underground
to publicly come to the defense of their
US proteges! An eighteen year old
hacker calling himself Analyzer left his
calling card with the accused kids ISR
stating "I hacked this page in order to
make things right... Makaveli did NOT
hacked (sic) any of those DOD
(Department of Defense) systems he
don't (sic) even know how to trojan a
system... If u searching anyone u should
search for me".
countries including the US, Canada,
Australia and Israel. The Enforcers
believe that the recently announced
government crackdown on cybercrime
is a ploy to support the Clinton
eral Janet Reno addressed Congress
over the need to establish the National
Infrastructure Protection Center to
protect information systems from "cyber
attacks", requesting $64 million in
1999.
In a press conference the deputy
secretary of defense, John Hamre, said
a "highly organized and systematic"
attack had been launched on the
Pentagon's computer systems, whilst
refusing to give any details pending an
investigation. This has led one former
defence contractor to query the release
of the report: "Most administrators are
loathe to admit mistakes like this...
which makes me really wonder if the
report even originated inside the
technical group at the Pentagon." The
source didn't go so far as to call it a
conspiracy, but he did suggest Hamre's
openness about this security breach
could be a tactical move designed to
increase defense department funding.
Analyzer is the token leader of a group
called the Enforcers, established in
1996 with about thirty members from
administration's desire to increase
spending on security and encryption. On
the February 27, the US attorney gen-
Vanessa Toholka
STAFF CLAIM STRIKE VICTORY
Thursday 5 March saw a strike by many
members of the Monash staff, resulting
in cancellation of most classes and
closing down of services such as the
library. A picket line was set up at the
university, in an attempt to convince
staff and students who attended not to
go to work or lectures. The strike was
called by the National Tertiary Education
Union, who gave several reasons for the
action:
- The University is no longer meeting
with NTEU negotiators, having
Why do they call them Fun size Mars Bars? They're so fuckcn email
announced at a meeting on 20 February
that further discussions were cancelled.
- The Monash draft agreement contains
reductions in conditions for staff,
including increases in hours, reduction
in overtime entitlements and reduced
decision periods in redundancy
procedures.
- The University want current award
conditions to be preserved until the
present Agreement expires. After this
date, due to government industrial laws,
many existing conditions would no
longer apply.
- The salary proposal for Monash is in
many respects worse than those offered
by other Victorian universities to their
staff. For example, the instalments are
paid later than most or all the other
universities, and the total increase
delivered over a longer time.
It seems the industrial action was
successful: in the week following the
strike, the University had a change of
heart and agreed to the NTEU demands.
Hathryn James
page?
COLLECTIVE ANGER
AT WHOLEFOODS FORUM
On Tuesday 10 March a fomm was held
in Wholefoods in order to discuss the
future of the restaurant, its financial
viability and the concerns of the
Wholefoods community about the
passing of Wholefoods to MSA control.
It was chaired by the business manager
appointed by the MSA to formulate a
business plan for Wholefoods. The
meeting was attended by 20 - 25
people, mainly members of the
Wholefoods Collective and MSA
representatives.
A major concern raised was the abolition
of the volunteer system which existed
until the end of last year. Issues
including the ethics of using unpaid
labour and the problems of lack of
training of the volunteers were
discussed, as were possible plans to
remedy these problems and reinstate
the system. It was pointed out that
volunteers willingly participated in many
MSA institutions (Activities, Clubs and
Societies, Lot's Wife etc), and that in
the light of this, voluntary student
involvement in Wholefoods could not be
considered exploitative. Rather, it was
consistent with student life.
Members of the Collective were upset
that the changes to Wholefoods had
occurred without any consultation with
them or others involved with the
restaurant. They expressed some
reluctance at participating in the forum,
as they did not wish to legitimise the
process, and explained their
involvement did not signify approval or
acceptance of MSA control.
Squid Fisheries Cut in New
Zealand:
New Zealand squid fisheries face a
reduction in the total number of sea
lions they can kill as bycatch around
the Auckland Islands, the site of the
recent mass death of one of the
world's rarest sea lions.
The quota is to be reduced from 79
to 63. This is a reduction of 20% and
is being resisted by the industry.
Source- NZ News.
pages
Questions were also raised about the
profit motive it was felt the MSA was
introducing to the restaurant, through
their stipulation that Wholefoods must
now make a profit of at least $20,000
each year. Many people present felt this
ran contrary to the ethos behind
Wholefoods, one of collectivism and
emphasis upon environmental and
ethical concerns rather than purely
profit. Some suggested that the loss of
the Wholefoods 'spirit' through the
changes would have negative financial
implications, with fewer people eating
there because they no longer felt part
of a community.
While the re-involvement of the
Wholefoods community in the
restaurant's management seems a
positive step, it remains to be seen
whether any of the issues raised at the
forum will be followed up.
Kathryn James
Brent Spar to become Ferry
Doct<:
Sea Shepherd On Scene of Seal
Slaughter:
Navy Sonar a Cause of Whale
Strandings:
The ex-oil rig 'Brent Spar', the focus
of an Intense Greenpeace campaign
in 1995, is to become part of a rollon/roll-off feny quay. The 14,500 ton
rig will be cut into 5 segments and
reassembled in the port of
Stavanger, Norway, later this year.
Originally slated to be dumped at
sea by Shell at a cost of AUS$20
million, the Brent Spar ignited a
furious
debate
about
the
environmental safety of sinking
derelict oil rigs. An occupation of the
rig by Greenpeace, a boycott of
Shell in Gennany and international
outcry forced Shell to store the oil
rig in Norway at a total cost
exceeding AUS$120 million. It is
likely that the dumping of oil rigs at
sea will be banned later this year.
Source - ET
The direct action conservation
group, Sea Shepherd, has sent a
ship to the ice of northern Canada
to intervene in the annual harp seal
kill. Ice conditions are reportedly very
poor, forcing hunters to shoot the
seals in the water which, it is
claimed, will lead to a far greater
death toll than the 275,000 officially
sanctioned by the Canadian
government.
Canadian law prohibits any one who
is not hunting from witnessing the
hunt, which has been dogged by
scenes of cruelty and allegations of
quota excesses. The Sea Shepherd
ship is being shadowed by up to five
helicopters and Canadian Navy
vessels around the clock.
New research in the Greek Islands
indicates that loud, low frequency
sonar used by naval vessels is a part
of the reason why whales may beach
themselves. Dr. Fratzis, a researcher
at the University of Athens, has just
published an article in the journal
Nature that finds a possible link
between some whale strandings and
military manoeuvres. This may have
particular relevance to moves by the
US to test extremely loud (twice as
loud as a jumbo jet), low frequency
sonar in the humpback whale
birthing areas off Hawaii. These tests
have already been delayed by local
activists who risked injury by
swimming into the sonar test site.
Sources - The Economist,
Associated Press.
Source - Sea Shepherd
Compiled by Jon Sumby
Shh... Secret Squirrel
^?t^^
ABORTION
LAW
UPDATE
There have been further
developments in Western Australian
abortion law reform since
Parliament resumed sitting. Two
reform Bills have been considered,
one put forward by Labor MR Cheryl
Davenport, the other drafted by the
Attorney General, Peter Foss, on
behalf of the government.
Parliament has considered the two
reform bills, and the proposed
amendments to these bills. It has
been an interesting exercise in the
application of political pressure.
The vote on the two reform bills
debated in the two houses of
parliament was supposed to be a
conscience vote. There have been
reports, however, of senior pro-life
MPs exerting political pressure on
other MPs to vote against abortion
law reform. MPs in marginal seats
have been threatened by pro-lifers
with a Catholic backlash at the next
election if they vote for more lenient
abortion laws. Nevertheless, initial
support for decriminalisation of
abortion has been strong, with Ms
Davenport's Bill being supported
twenty-one to eleven in the upper
house. However, the lower house
may be a different story.
The Premier of WA, Mr Richard
Court, has only offered limited
support to abortion law reform. He
does not support abortion when a
woman's social or economic
wellbeing is at risk, instead
preferring to support amendments
introduced
by a
pro-life
independent MR Mr Phillip Pendal.
These amendments require a
seven-day cooling off period,
consultation with two doctors, and
an effective ban on termination
where the foetus is over twelve
weeks old.
Watch for further developments.
Jenny Cas
NEW5 I
«a,
ABORIGINAL HEALTH LECTURE
COMES TO MONASH RECONCILIATION
AND HEALTH
The Matthew Campbell Memorial Lecture on Aboriginal Health, has this year
been given the title, "Reconciliation
and Health".
Speakers at the presentation will include Dr Ngiare Brown, the Indigenous
Advisor to the Australian Medical Association, and Dr Michael Wooldridge,
the Federal Health Minister.
It may shock you to know that currently
many of Australia's Aboriginal population
are living in third world conditions. The
people often live in humpies (tin
shacks), have no jobs, no njnnlng water
and poor medical services. These
severely disadvantaged people have no
sense of purpose and no real identity.
The average lifespan of an Aboriginal is
20 years less than that of an average
non-indigenous Australian. All this is
rarely told by the media, but essentially
it represents how the traditional owners
of this land have been made refugees
in their own country. This is Australia's
hidden shame.
If you are interested in learning about
what is going on, come to the Matthew
Campbell Memorial Lecture on
Aboriginal Health. There are so many
problems which need to be addressed,
and the solutions don't lie in the HeraldSun or Tfie Age. This year the speakers
include the Hon. Michael Woolridge
(Federal Health Minister), Dr. Ngiare
Brown (one of the handful of indigenous
doctors in the country) and other
students who have had unique
experiences in outback Aboriginal
communities. Come along to be
inspired. The talk is for people exactly
like you - so that you can be informed
and therefore begin to understand
Aboriginal people and their problems.
This will hopefully begin to bridge the
rift between black and white Australians
- and help us to be heard truly as a
unified nation, with one voice.
Raoul Mayer
Venue: South One Lecture Theatre
Monash University
Clayton
Date: Friday the 24th April
Time: 5:30 pm
All Welcome.
Refreshments Provided
n p r i l Sp-ecic^,!
Book and pay deposit
this month and receive a
free McDonalds voucher
and go into the draw
CHEMICAL HEALTH
SCARE
for an Easter Hamper.
STA Travel.
Recent studies have found that there are hundreds of pollutants produced
every day which, directly or indirectly, endanger the health of human beings.
Some recent examples include the disastrous effects of lead in our petrol and
the damaging use of chioroflurocarbons on the ozone layer.
Disturbing evidence of one such chemical has been revealed recently in a
study by the University of California. Their findings found that the chemical,
dihydrogen monoxide, should be banned for a number of reasons - it can
cause excessive sweating and vomiting; it has been found in the tumours of
terminal cancer patients; the chemical can cause severe burns in it's gaseous
state; can cause death within three minutes, if inhaled; it contributes to erosion,
and decreases the effectiveness of car brakes.
I call on all Monash students who care about the future of our environment and
the general health of the population to support a ban on this chemical
immediately, by including your name and student number on a petition which
is to be presented to the Federal Minister for the Environment later this year.
The petition will be available in the Lot's Wife office, or you can e-mail
[email protected] for more information.
William G. Boots
Union Building, Monash University
Tel. 9905 3128
Australian School of
Bartending Pty. Ltd.
24 Portman Street, Oakleigh 3166
(03)^ 9530 4433 all hours
Certificate courses in:
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&aby monkeys \ove to spank
opinions
THE M A I :
This is not a conspiracy theory. It's actually the truth.
There is a small group of rich elite wankers that rule the
world. And ifyou don't believe that, you're fooling yourself.
They run multinational corporations,
and if they aren't also the government,
they're paying the government.
Let's call them The Very Small Clique of
Capitalist Scum (VSCCS).
A CONSPIRACY
more money. But that's where the mythology comes in simple marketing - you need an incentive.
So how do we know that the VSCCS are in with the
Government?
The Multilateral
Agreement on
I n vestment.
Haven't heard of
it? You're in
I know that some of you out there aspire
to be part of this Clique. Well, I have
advice for you: Give up! Stop deluding
yourself] You're day dreaming!
Logically, these sub-human specimens
have all the money because other fully
human people don't. If there is a finite
amount of money, and they want more,
more, more, do you honestly believe
that they're going to let you have some
of it? Especially as much as you would
need to join them at the Club? Don't
worry, you're not alone in your
delusions: you're the victim of a crazy
myth called Neo-Libera I ism.
Why on earth would a government
give up their legislative sovereignty;
their right to legislate for the people
they have been elected to represent?
Why would someone like Peter
Costello - the Australian delegate to
the MAI negotiations - want to sign
away his political power? Because
he has an incentive, perhaps?
Maybe his rich friends from the
VSCCS have offeretJ him a managerial
position in one of their corporations?
Who knows, but somehow, the Very
Small Clique of Capitalist Scum, who
are the ones who would then have
the power to overturn the decisions
of the government, have the
government on a string.
The funny thing about Neo-Liberalism is that
VSCCS invented it. Let me guess: you have been
taught that you are an individual and that you
will always have to look out for Number 1,
because no-one else will ever really give a rat's
arse about you. Further, if you put your head
;,;'
down and your bum up you will eventually ' ' '
'
carve out a niche for yourself in the middle to
upper class, and own something between a Saab and a
Mercedes Benz, which will be parked out the front of your
house in Malvern or Brighton. Or, if you're clever and
don't let anyone else get the better of you, you may have
the choice of climbing up into the VSCCS. Guess what?
They want you to work very hard, they want you to pull in
profits even at the expense of fel low workers and customers,
but they don't want you to gel rich. They want you to make
them richer. You've been duped.
Believe me, I'm telling the truth. Forget that Post-Modern,
Neo-Liberalist crap about my truth and your truth.
Philosophy and Discourse don't change the fact that there
is physically a finite amount of money, some have it, most
don't, and there are concrete, real reasons as to why.
It seems silly to me that so many people would trudge into
their job each day and perform mindless little tasks to prop
up the wealth of rich fuckers who certainly don't need any
but in the fine print there are some quite strange strategies
employed to do this. The "Rollback" provision states that
any domestic legislation which blocks a corporation's
freedom of investment must be - "rolled back". Put simply,
if a mining company wanted to mine at (abiluka (for
instance), but there was environmental or land rights
legislation passed by the Australian Government that
prevented them from doing so, under the MAI the
Government must repeal the law or be sued by the
corporation (via the OECD tribunal). I'm deadly serious. So
rather than having a "democratically elected",
"representative" government making the laws about labour,
environment and society in general, multinational
corporations would have veto power over all laws of a
country, to manipulate or disregard as they choose.
good company. The Australian Government doesn't really
want you to know how they're looking after you, especially
something as evil as this (they are afraid you might disagree
and make their lives difficult). In one hundred words or less,
the MAI is an international free trade agreement currently
being negotiated by 29 filthy rich OECD countries (USA,
UK, France, Germany etc.). It reads like a charter of rights for
multinational corporations. Its stated aim is to allow foreign
investment to enjoy the same privileges as local investment,
You see, it is the truth, although I do
wish I was lying, because it is not a
very pretty picture to paint. You're
never going to be rich, you're just
going to spend the rest of your days
working your arse off to make
someone else richer. And to top it
off, all that freedom of choice you
thought you had never really existed
in the first place. It's all been preordained for you.
Don't buy into it. Trust the person sitting next to you. Get to
know them - work with them, not against them. Don't take
more than you need. Why work hard to get rich and just be
sad for the rest of your life when you can enjoy yourself?
Smell the roses - fuck productivity. You are not a machine.
Reject the mythology they try to get you to swallow.
Anna Barrett
page 10
I could tell you. but I'd have to kill you.
x>oinion$
ABORTION
WHAT IS BEST FOR THE MOTHER AND THE CHILD?
I write in reference to the t w o articles in the last
edition of Lot's which referred to abortion. Neither of
them considered an issue which I consider to be of
fundamental importance, and I hope to better the
debate by i n t r o d u c i n g i t . Since b a l a n c e d a n d
unemotional discussion is the while elephant of issues
such as this, I make no apologies for the lack of it
here.
Obviously I had quite a conflict on my hands. It took
me two weeks to make the decision to terminate the
pregnancy, and while I regret having had to make it,
I do not regret the decision that we both made. I
admit that if we had made the opposite one, I would
have had much pleasure in seeing my child grow;
we both acknowledged that, but the world being as
it is, chances were the man responsible would not
making the incredibly difficult decision to have an
abortion (and let me emphasise how phenomenally
difficult a decision it is, even for those of us who are,
for various reasons, p r o - a b o r l i o n ) they are
acknowledging thai they are not ready to be a parent,
that they do not have the emotional maturity or social
support networks to raise a child, and that if forced
to have the child, the child will suffer.
First, let me state clearly my biases:
1.
I am twenty-four years o l d and a feminist. I
believe that women, like all people, have the
right to anylhing they may desire which is within
their physical, emotional and intellectual reach.
2.
I am a practising Christian. I believe in the
teachings of )esus - love, acceptance, tolerance,
and all the effort required to ensure that the world
is a happy a n d safe place for every single
complex organism (except spiders which are the
spawn of Satan and should be destroyed).
3.
When I was eighteen and in first year, I fell
pregnant as a result of t h e f a i l u r e of the
contraception we were using. I was young, single
(as in unmarried) and poor. The man who made
me pregnant and I had only been going out for a
few months.
Wherever you go. there you are.
have the same pleasure. It was because of this last
fact that I made the decision I did: ultimately it was
because of my concern for THE WELFARE OF THE
CHILD thai I made the decision that I did. This is
what the debate seems to be ignoring.
Love is not enough. Trust me. If women are to be
forced to have children (which, might I add, they
never are, collectively speaking - rich women will
always have access to abortions, poor women are
forced into motherhood) then emphasis needs to be
put on support for single mothers (both financial and
Women should not be forced into motherhood. They
emotional), on making sure that the father is held as
should not be forced into it because no-one should
responsible as the mother, that belter and cheaper
be forced into such an important role. They should
child care is made available, and that women are
not be forced into it because in virtue of their being
not forced into lower-paid areas of employmenl. I
women (often young and ultimately, often single), agree entirely with the Church on this matter - it is
they do not have the financial or emotional grounding
the welfare of the child which is at stake. Thai must
which would allow them to have a child, or to give
always be paramount. Don't focus on God's right to
it the best opportunities it deserves. The pressures of
choose who lives and dies, don't focus on the woman's
finance and parenthood place enormous strain on the right not to be forced into motherhood, focus on the
best of families, let alone a young single mother,
rights of the child to the best life that they could
and ultimately it is the child that suffers. Women
possibly be given. It is precisely for the sake of the
should not be forced into motherhood because in child that abortion should be safe and accessible.
Anon
page JI
ooinion$^
WE
AUSTRALIA DESERTS
LOVE
OUR
NESTLE
THE Y O U N G
Dear Students,
Australia is a nation which prides itself on providing
The question is not why we have been forsaken by Canberra,
opportunites for all and has a history of Government
Spring Street and your local council, but why the young of
intervention and investment into its people. What we have
Australia are still typecast as bad, lazy and deserving of any
witnessed throughout this decade is a continued winding
cuts the Government decides. We are the future of this country
back of programmes, support networks and institutions that
and if the rest of the population wants the continuance of a
directly help Australians improve themselves especially since
lucky country they should try to remember what it was like to
the election of the Howard Government.
DON'T
be young, and try to understand how hard it is to make your
way in life with Ray Martin breathing down your neck. We
The state, who's role has been to act as a provider of services
desperately need a Government who can see Ihe importance
and protector of the people, has become little more than a
of providing for Ihe youth of Australia.
manager and decision maker. How does this translate into
Fergus Vial
actual resources out in our society ? The cut-backs can be
I'd like you all to reflect on this: on average, 2.8 babies die
in the third world every minute as a direct result of Nestl6
marketing its Infant Formula baby-milk in unethical ways.
Thafs 1.5 million babies a year (figures from the World
Health Organisation press release WHA/10; 9 May 1994).
Any thinking person who has had extended contact with
babies (for example, in a job or through a family birth)
must feel shocked by that. Ifs an appalling statistic:—
One baby every 22 seconds.
To the (anonymous) author of Ihe opinionalive 'we love
our Nestlfe' article in Lot's Edition 2, here is undeniable
proof that you are an idiot and have no grip on reality: no
matter how many times you rearrange the letters of your
by-line, they'll never spell 'intelligent member of the human
race'. I can see from your article that you are of fairly
limited intellect, so I'm going to explain some things of my
own in baby-terms.
Australia is a Democracy... I can see that I don't need to
spell that word pho-ne-ti-cal-ly, because you used it in
your own article... That means that you can (within reason)
do what you want. Democracy is an ideal, a con<ep(that
everybody was createcJ equal and therefore should have
the same social rights. Democracy is also based on a
phi-lo-so-phy of rights and privileges, and says that you
shouldn't (Note: I do not say can't) exercise your own
privileges in preference to other people's rights.
grouped into all levels of Governance: Federal, State and
Local. At every level the Australian people have been shortchanged and this is especially true for the young. We have
been deserted by the politicians of the baby boomers era
because there has not, and most likely never will be, a major
backlash against cuts to our sector.
In 1988, ten years ago, a young person could receive income
support from the age of sixteen and could study at any
I wou Id not personally try to stop you from buying a Nestle
product (even if you can't spell it correctly), because, as
you indicated,'that is not quite what democracy is about
(even if ifs not as much of a con-tra-dic-tion as you seem
to make out). Then again, neither did the Monash boycott
of Nestle products. Itwas still legal to bring Nestle products
onto campus, and this frequently occurred as there were
at least five shops within walking distance of Monash that
sell them to the public. Then again, I will not personally
buy or eat Nestle products either, as I made that e-thi-cal
(now there's a hard word!) choice many years ago, when
I was in high school, Moreover, I do not 'pick on Nestl^',
as I do not buy from big, international companies that ripoff the local populations either, but support local industry
and buy Australian-made products to try and get our
economy back in motion.
University without fees of any kind. They could receive
Austudy and study within a Slate School system that provided
services and resources which had begun to challenge the
prestigious schools. There were almost double the number
of people employed in full-time work for those between
sixteen and Iwentyone, and the industries that employed
many young people had fair overtime, penalty rales and
conditions of employment. Services such as Gas, Water and
Electricity were much cheaper than today, registration for
cars was cheaper, and many services were available if we
were in trouble.
By 1998, it costs you much more to study and the days of upfront fees as the only option are already here for many post-
You might say that the Ijest form of defence is offence, but
it's not. The best fonn of defence is a logical argument.
Making fun of this issue is like making fun of a child's
death. Imagine if it were your child: would you still make
fun of it? Proving that Nestle is not a NAZI organisation
(and whoever said it was?) neither constitutes a logical
argument, nor proves that Nestle is 'caring and sharing'.
Al I it proves is that you are particu larly faci le and have no
moral fibre.
graduate, mature age and overseas students. Austudy has
been limited to those with parents on very low incomes, with
independence barred until you are twenty-five! We are the
lucky ones. For those who don't want to study, and instead
concentrate their efforts on starting a career, there are no
options as of luly 30 this year. No dole for under eighleens
and, for a vast majority of the young, no Dole until they are
twenty-one, due to the introduction of a savage means test!
The GovernmenI is in the process of closing the DSS and
Put that in your pipe and smoke it as you walk down to
buy your next Kit-Kat. In the time it takes you to do so,
probably at least another ten babies will have died directly
because of Nestle.
other local job centres which provided assistance and training
to help the young gel a job.
The youth sector has lost so much funding from the
Government it is a joke. $600 Million cut from Income
support, massive cuts to TAFE, and 300 state schools that
have shut their doors with 8,000 less teachers in the system.
M/vb boc^R- &rie&R.oiJS
UNOeiLS, M\i M o r r ev/iu.
bf^K.t>U1 yEAP>Oivl We.T. . .
Cuts to operating grants to Universities are forcing
administrations to limit your choices, and there is a general
decline in community networks that were there in 1988 to
help the young who could not compete.
/
^Cft/LCdOL
jr.(q<)&
Michael Power
(See: I'm not too much of a wimpAvanker to withhold my
name).
PS: Don't take my word for it, I'm only a member of the
Left-wing Lunatic fringe. For verification or more
information, call Community Aid Abroad on 9481 4489,
or write to Level 2,156 George St. Fitzroy 3065.
page 12
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still canHes any reward - John Maynard K/synes
i>oinion$
WHAT PRICE, CITY LINK?
M o s t M e l b u r n i a n s w i l l at some stage use t h e City Link
A n appeal t o the Administrative Appeals Tribunal brought
road project w h e n it is completed. M a n y see it as a positive
little j o y for those objecting to the exhaust stacks. The AAT
for M e l b o u r n e . It is w o r t h reflecting o n a c o u p l e of the less
said there w a s n o t e n o u g h e v i d e n c e t o s u p p o r t t h e
satisfactory aspects of the project before they are forgotten
argument that emissions w e r e a long term a n d large hea Ith
in the fanfare o f the o p e n i n g o f yet another a d d i t i o n to the
risk. I n a c o n c e s s i o n s u g g e s t i n g t h a t t h e A A T h a d
concrete j u n g l e .
reservations regarding its decision, the AAT recommended
that the stacks should be constructed so as l o a l l o w for (he
inclusion o f air-cleaning t e c h n o l o g y in the future. Either
Late last year, r e s i d e n t s a n d c o u n c i l s o f i n n e r - c i t y
t h e G o v e r n m e n t o r T r a n s f i e l d - O b a y a s h i c o u l d surely
M e l b o u r n e lost a battle w i t h the Environmental Protection
spend the extra m o n e y now.
A u t h o r i t y over their c o n c e r n s about exhaust
from
v e n t i l a t i o n stacks f o r t h e C i t y L i n k r o a d p r o j e c t . T h e
Aside f r o m direct e n v i r o n m e n t a l concerns, such as fine
proposed exhaust slacks w i l l be located in Burnley a n d
particle emissions, aspects o f the City Link agreement
South M e l b o u r n e . Residents w e r e c o n c e r n e d that small
relating t o 'traffic management' are unsatisfactory. M a n y
particle p o l l u t i o n i n the air w o u l d increase significantly
M e l b u r n i a n s are perhaps u n a w a r e o f the ways in w h i c h
w i t h t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n o f the t w o exhaust stacks. Such
they w i l l be subtly c o a x e d into using and therefore paying
p o l l u t i o n w o u l d lead t o increases i n l u n g a n d o t h ^ r
for the City Link road project. As part o f the agreement
respiratory problems for those living i n the v i c i n i t y o f the
relating t o the City Link project, the Government is to close
exhaust stacks.
Batman A v e n u e , e l i m i n a t e clearways f r o m Toorak Road,
Where
Oil earth
would m
rather Wl
Travelling overseas?
Follow this handy checklist
I Year to go
StiTt ajvfftj.
Sig Ji*s, little jobs-the ntoney d i aiids D^
Oiilect infamation s ! oom^rits'Surf t!i€ net, rradgwotixiolaarf Sped! to
f^tucTiKj irawtlliefS
A report c o m m i s s i o n e d for a g r o u p o f inner-city councils
Attend a Free iHA Trfwelters'Iirfoftnatieii n i ^ t :
% ! ! 7 • 8fit«i«. Treiafld i Scafiend
tiniZ-mA/'Cenadc
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and t o reduce access t o Alexandra A v e n u e , Boundary
found that the technology to clean the polluted air released
R o a d a n d Footscray R o a d (Source: The Age ). S u c h
f r o m these stacks w o u l d cost Transfield-Obayashi o n l y
strategies w i l l force motorists t o use City Link a n d pay tolls
6m^t^
$6.6 m i l l i o n to install; a relatively small amount for project
for a road that m a n y d i d not even w a n t .
^esa^h
w h i c h w i l l cost an estimated $2 b i l l i o n . Installation o f the
The report also stated that similar t e c h n o l o g y was i n used
in Japan a n d N o r w a y , and that there was a n Australian
Is.'.
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control?
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stacks w i t h o u t m o d i f i c a t i o n , stating that they had not found
a better tunnel design i n the w o r l d . Even if this was the
t o t l j t pess^rt applicatio)! form »«! WTOSJ* an
mftrmn at the post sf f ice
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company already manufacturing the appropriate
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ftf^*!^ f « W K 1 copies of sfcojtimtJ yw jasy
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t e c h n o l o g y w o u l d reduce fine particle p o l l u t i o n b y 7 7 % .
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fm^ ^fsSR! for norkinj overseas
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YHA
From the bar
room floor.....
I realize that I have offended certain bar staff with my
comments in the last edition - my apologies. It just seemed
funny at the time.
only financially viable option for drinking. Since this went
up in price, I cannot afford a single drink. (End tonguelashing)
Anyway, on to news. I have just recently moved out of
home. Now here's a tip to all you trash-heads out there: If
you want to drink, STAY AT HOME! It takes me three weeks
to save enough for one pot!!
On to the fun stuff. A few proud moments in my life this
year (ie. one): I was kicked out of an alcoholic drink launch
party (corporate function) and I was even wearing pants
(this time). That's about it.
And now a tongue-lashing to all you fuckers out there who
continually steal pot glasses from The Bar - do not! The
price of Clippers Draught has gone up from $1 to $1.50,
not because Ben (Bar manager) is a nazi, but because he
has to replace the pots that have been stolen. They (The
Bar) started the year with twelve trays of pot glasses, now
they have seven left. Fuck off you fucking thieves!! I know
Clippers offends some drinkers, but for me that was the
I'll finish with a song:
(To the tune of American Pie)
"A long, long lime ago, I can still remember when The Bar
didn't take my memory away..." (oh, shit. I forgot the rest).
PS. Dan is the 100 bourbon man (he forced me to write this
at knife-point).
Imagine, if you will, a man. A feisty, testosterone laden specimen with a good healthy appetite, who
happens to work in the Engineering Department of
Unnamed Rival University. This is a man who,
apparently incapableof placing a slice of bread in a
toaster, goes to McDonald's for breakfast every single
working day of the year (bar none). While this alone
is enough to place him in contention for this
prestigious award - there is more. He goes to the
same McDonald's, orders the same meal, and sits at
the same table. Every morning. "Stop!" I hear you
say, "surely such creatures as this cannot tmly exist."
Well I am here to tell you, my sorry friends, such
inconceivable creatures do live on this Earth.
The worst bit is that this guy is so impressed with
Macca's, they are such a highlight of his day (week,
year) that he actually asked a friend of mine whether
it was possible to make donations (hello, donations)
to McDonald's itself for being such a damn fine
company.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Kunela
Munch Me
FaliM Oraasms
Let's face it - faking orgasms is so easy for girls. In fact, ifs
as easy as shitting on a first year, and twice as much fun.
All she has to do is moan or yawn (who cares anyway?)
a couple of times and pull that face. You know, the one
where she looks like a bulldog licking piss off a lemon.
Meanwhile, you've got a cock that's harder than Chinese
algebra, then you're confronted by her shenanigans and
you shoot your load. End of story.
Guys have a few options. What can we do? Wei I, there is
the theory that we can fake orgasms by rooting doggy
style, then withdrawing at the moment of apparent
orgasm and spitting on her back a few times. This is
decent in theory but needs to be perfectly executed or
you will firwl yourself wiping her arse just to appease
her. No fun at all, unless you're into that sort of thing.
page 14
Women are vindictive bitches and will piss on you
physically as well as emotionally ariy time they get the
chance. It is a little known fact that the clitoris was actually
invented by Cleo magazine in 1973 to make men feel stupid.
Fuck knows, I fell for it. For years I have searched endlessly
through scores of girls to find that elusive clitoris, but each
and every time all I have found is a small erectile organ at
the top of the vulva. Fuck that for a joke. I'm not falling for
that shit again.
Ciao for now until the next time.
mmmm
^mi"
16 Old Danaenon
South Oakleigh
GAMES CENTRE
9570 1320
"^NINTENDO 64
*PLAYSTATION
*SATURN
*3DO
LAY-BY & CREDIT CARDS WELCOME
HUGE RANGE
BEST PRKES
mmmnts/Qhmts
htCmSQMMESj
visit our website at
www.cityseaFCh.com.au
IVI9A Activities & The Comedy Club presents
Comedy
Week
2 0 t h - 2 2 n d April
Free lunoh+ime performances
1pm Upstairs Union Foyer
Wednesday: Campus Comedy Compefifion
Compered by D d V e 0 N e l l
Comedy Cellar Night
Direcf From The Comedy Festival
The Three
Canadians
eric
derek
A£rtA
^^BP^*"' mlKK^
Memck
& Rosso
8pm -1am Cellar Rooms
Tuesday 21si April
Monash $8
Others $10
Tickets available from the Activities Office or on the door
wv4AV.monash.edu.au/sfudenis/msa/acfivl+y
-^f^PftawnaBWKwmx
WSSA
On the 22nd of November 1963, the presidential limousine carrying President J o h n
Fitzgerald Kennedy travelled through the
streets of Dallas and entered Dealy Plaaa. The
cars turned left into Elm Street from Houston
in front of the Texas School Book Depository.
It was here that the assassination of the thirtyfifth American president took place.
If this multitude of deaths is stUl not enough
to convince you of a conspiracy what about
the evidence and facts themselves?
§
No expert m.arksman has ever been able
to repeat the performance Lee Harvey
Oswald is supposed to have achieved. And,
the rifle found in the sniper's nest had a
faulty scope. Oswald was a no better than
average marksman.
§
A bolt action rifle, such as that found in
the sniper's nest, takes a minimum of 2.3
seconds to lock, load and fire. The Zapruder
film of the assassination shows, however,
that there was no more than 1.7 seconds
between the first shot to hit Kennedy and
the first shot to hit Connally.
§
No fingerprints were found on the rifle
until after the death of Oswald.
§
Observations regarding the body made by
the doctors at the Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas differ greatly from the autopsy done hours later in Bethesda Naval
Hospital. It was originally noted that there
was an exit wound at the back of Kennedy's
head, indicating a frontal shot. By the time
the body reached the Naval Hospital, it appeared as a gaping hole towards the right
front, as from a rear shot.
§
The motorcade made a 130° turn onto Elm
Street, although turns of more than 90°
were prohibited by the Secret Service.
There was also no roof on the president's
car, another Secret Service requirement.
1/69: E.R.Walthers - Dallas deputy sheriff who
was involved in Depository search, claimed to
have found a different type of bullet to Oswald's
gun - shot by felon.
§
Fewer police were on guard that day. Two
dozen stood on the sidewalk watching, after being ordered not to take part in security.
1972: Hale Boggs - member of Warren Commission who began to publicly express doubts
about findings - disappeared on Alaskan plane
flight.
§
The authorised press vehicle in the motorcade had, for some unexplained reason,
been shoved further back, thereby preventing the media from witnessing or filming
the assassination.
§
In the shots taken by Phil Willis at the time
The official story is that the shots that hit President Kennedy and Governor Connally (sitting
In front of the President) were fired from a
sixth floor window of the Texas School Book
Depository. A total of three shots were fired
from above and behind, one missing altogether,
one injuring both Kennedy and Connally and
the third killing the president. The assassination was carried out by a lone gunman, Lee
Harvey Oswald. These were the findings of the
Warren Commission in 1964. And for those of
you who believe the Warren Commission, there
is still one question that needs answering where exactly does colncldenoe end and conspiracy begin?
The first three years after the assassination
saw thirteen material witnesses die of unnatural causes. These deaths included drug overdoses, being shot through the heart, hit and
runs and fatal falls. One hundred and three
people related to the assassination in some way
died up until '84.
8/66: Lee Bowers, Jr. - witnessed men behind
picket fence on Grassy Knoll - motor accident.
10/66: William Pitzer: JFK autopsy photographer - gunshot.
6/75: Sam Gianoana - Chicago Mafia boss due
to teU about CIA-mob death plots to Senate
committee - shot seven times while under police protection.
page 16
I am a douqhnxA
assassina, tion
§
In the shots taJcen by Phil Willis at the
time of the assassination, witnesses don't
t u r n to the Book Depository, they run in
the other direction - for the grassy knoll.
§
Arrest records are missing from the national archives for 23/11/63.
§
J . E d g a r Hoover t e l e p h o n e d Robert
Kennedy to give him a r u n down on
Oswald less than two hours after the assassination, at a time when the police
were not even certain of the identity of
the man in custody.
There are hundreds of conspiracy theories
about who shot JFK. It is impossible to list
them all, so here are a few of the big ones.
Theory: Russians
It is a matter of record that Oswald defected
to Russia in 1959. To most assassination researchers, Oswald's visit to Russia was part
of a planned Intelligence operation. His suspicious manner of entering and leaving Russia, and his whirlwind marriage to his Russian wife Marina, further support this belief.
As does his easy return to America at the
height of The Cold War.
Theory: Ciibans
After the revolution In Cuba, the CIA directed
antl-Castro Cubans In the Bay of Pigs invasion, despite Kennedy's requests for no US
military Involvement. The invasion was an
utter disaster and the anti-Castro Cubans
blamed its failure on Kennedy for refusing
air support. They wanted revenge on the man
who they believe betrayed them - Kennedy.
Theory: The Mafia
Joe Kennedy, JFK's father and a man who
made his millions by selling bootleg liquor
during the prohibition era, enlisted the help
of the Mafia in buying votes to get his son
elected. Once i n power, JFK's brother Robert,
the Attorney General, began to vigorously
crack down on Mafia operations. The Mafia
hated the Kennedys. Carlos Marcello, a Mafia
boss, reportedly said that the way to stop
Robert was to kill JFK. Jack Ruby, Oswald's
assassin, was a Mafia member.
Theory: The CIA
After the Bay of Pigs disaster, JFK fired the
head of the CIA, Alan Dulles (who was later
appointed a member of the Warren Commission and whose brother was the police chief
of Dallas). The CIA blamed Kennedy for the
failure of the Bay of Pigs and renegade CIA
agents plotted against him.
Theory: CIA/Mafla/Cubans
During the Second World War, the CIA and the
Mafia worked together to help defeat the German war effort. The Mafia ran the casinos in
Cuba before Castro's revolution threw them
out. The CIA, Mafia and the anti-Castro Cubans all had a hatred of Castro in common.
When JFK did a secret deal with the Russians
and got them to turn their ships carrjdng missiles to Cuba around, he gave the understanding America would never Invade Cuba. At this
point the CIA, Mafia and anti-Castro Cubans
turned their attentions toward
JFK. If they assassinated JFK,
they could get the invasion of
Cuba back on the agenda, particularly if people thought that Castro
was behind JFK's assassination.
Three months before the assassination, Oswald was arrested in
New Orleans handing out proCastro pamphlets for the 'Fair
Play for Cuba Committee'.
ready refused US mllitaiy power to salvage the
Bay of Pigs invasion and rejected the idea of
bombing Cuban missile emplacements, the
military-industrial complex was angered. Some
say the first shots of full-scale war in Vietnam
were fired in Dallas. Kennedy was in direct
conflict with the military-industrial complex.
Theory: FBI
It is a fact that Oswald was paid by the FBI as
an informer. The head of the FBI, J. Edgar
Hoover, and his long-term friend, Vice-President I^yndon B. Johnson, had a well-known
hatred for the Kennedys. It can now be demonstrated that the FBI suppressed, destroyed
and fabricated evidence, and intimidated witnesses. They had ultimate power and they
failed to respond to numerous warnings concerning the assassination of JFK and Oswald.
Theory: Oswald's death
Oswald was never meant to be arrested, he was
meant to have died during arrest. That way,
no questions would ever have been asked.
Oswald realised this and that is why as police
entered the cinema he was 'hiding' in, he stood
up shouting "I am not resisting arrest. I am
not resisting arrest."
This is only the tip of the iceberg. There is no
way one of the largest and most deeply moving conspiracies of all time can be condensed
with accuracy onto two pages. Why do people
still seek the t r u t h ? J i m Marrs, author of
Crossfire: The Plot that Killed Kennedy, put it
well when he said "I seek not only the killers
of President Kennedy, I seek the persons who
killed Camelot - who killed the confidence and
faith of the American people In their government and institutions. I seek elementary justice - for both the accused assassin and for
the United States of America."
Theory: US Military
JFK wa,s withdrawing troops from
Vietnam. And, since he had alClaire
Ask not what your country can do for you, but why the bloody hell it never doeft.
Hammond
page 17
—General Conspiracies
EattheBic
Is the Red Man
The Government is keeping a dossier on us all. But don't bother searching yo\ir house for hidden video cameras or phone bugs. Nooo! They've
Utilised an instrument so devious, you'll never guess what it is.
Biros. Yep, - your everyday ballpoint pen. Those Innocent pieces of
cyUndrical plastic, with an Inky thing jammed up the middle, are actually the world's best intelligence gatherers.
Stop to reflect upon this. What do we use pens for? They are used for
eveiythlng; writing bank cheques, drafting constitutions, marking votes,
writing love letters, fUhng in forms, composing pieces for subversive
underground publications such as Lot's Wife....
And as we pour our life out in words, the pens store the information,
and relay it back to HQ. Is it all coming clear now? Do you know why
you can never find a pen? It's because the biro has reported back to
HQ, with details from your Christmas letter to Great Aunt Myrtle.
The evidence continues to mount. Using a well-known code-breaking
technique, we turn the letters of BIG around, to reveal - GIB. For all
you Engineering students out there, that staxids for 'Central Intelligence Bureau'. And, t u r n the letters of PILOT around, to see - 'TO
LIP', secret underworld slang for reporting information back to HQ.
Coincidental?? I think notl
Some pens are trained assassins - silent killers. Their weapon: their
lids. Every year, many people die 'accidental' deaths from swallowing
and choking on pen Uds. But thqy weren't ax:cidents, noooo - those
people knew too much
So be careful out there - keep your writing limited to phone messages,
inter-departmental memos and dry, boring history essays. And if you're
planning to overthrow the Government (you have my blessing) take a
hint from me:
Flashing?
In the building of a stronger nation, there is always the option of genetic selection. This could be called assisted Dajrwrlnlsm. If only the
strong survive, then the offspring created by these survivors should be
stronger than the previous generation. For a government to openly
admit to such distasteful practices, however, would be too much for the
general populace to stomach. Thus, surreptitious means must be employed to achieve these ends. One such ploy, which has attracted my
attention recently, is the use of pedestrian crossings to eliminate slower
members of our species.
After being encouraged to safely cross the road by a glowing green
man, slow pedestrians are caught mid-way, by a briefly flashing red
man, and then finished off by the rush of traffic leaping forward as
their light turns green. Here is a simple yet effective solution to an
aging population, as the older the person the slower they tend to move.
The weak of society are weeded out slowly, to create truly, a human
race of fleet footed and highly alert road crossers.
Liam
Nankervis
Blood Donation
Have you ever given blood at uni? Are you aware that not only are you
providing the community with a service, but that your blood is being
tested and your DNA tagged. This means that for the rest of your life
you win be identifiable. If you drop a hair, if you leave a fingerprint, if
you lose some skin, whatever - you can be found. The government uses
yoxir DNA to monitor you for the rest of your Ufe. Forget your bankcard
number or your driver's Ucense, if you've given blood then they have a
form of Identification infinitely more valuable. You can change your
address, your personality and your looks, but you can't change yoxir
DNA.
Don't write it down.
Alyssa Or ant
X files
uncovered
It has recently been revealed that the popular TV show, The X-Files,
which is based around two conspiracy-busting FBI agents, is. In fact, a
diversionary tactic of the US Government, used to throw the general
public off the scent of real conspiracies by offering up pseudoconspiracies in their place. They have even gone so far as to use authentic
alien carcasses in the filming of the show to dehberately confuse the
pubUc-at-large. 'The truth is out there' is actually an anagram for 'You
know nothing you stupid ignorant plebeians and you'U believe anything
you're fed.'
page 18
Thie p»«e will self-destruct in 10 ieconde.
Monash
Conspiracies-
'•^top ten
Meuzies Conspira. aies:
1. The Menzies is actually a giant wasps-nest and all the aicademlos are
secretly "Wasp People", waiting to take over the world.
2. The Menzies is a giant spaceship that landed on earth thousands of
years ago. The original inhabitants are in a cryogenic state somewhere on the "thirteenth" floor. Beware of the "H" lecture theatres,
they're actually engine rooms,
3
Elvis built the Menzlfs as a second Qraceland. If you go up to the
eleventh floor auid listen very carefully, you can hear an elderly
man singing about suede shoes of the blue variety.
The Menzies is a crop circle waiting to happen.
Martians built the Menzies as a proto-type for the pyramids. It was,
however, deemed too ugly.
6 In order to make some money, the university is planning to open a
cafe on top of the Ming Wing and oall it the "How to get blown to
Fucksvllle Diner".
Engineers In a deliberate ploy to precipitate the destruction of all
Arts students at Monash built the Menzies.
8 We've all heard about Australians being too fat. The fact that none
of the escalators work in the Menzies is the government's way of
making Monash students participate in a Youth Fitness Program.
9, The same people who built the Titanic buUt the Menzies. Noticed
any lifeboats anyone?
10. The Menzies has been specilloaUy designed to topple over and crush
the Union Building during en SGM that all students attend. So this
one ain't never going to happen.
Divinglnto
Life
Did you hear the one about...
The JAFFY Eng student who
didn't think he could pass his
exams so he bribed a final year
student to do his exam for him.
Unfortunately, the older guy lost
his nerve on the day of the exam
and couldn't bring himself to do
/^SM£I¥HER£
ON
Hidden Messages
Recent research is suggesting that Monash Is not actually a university, but a
front for a secret executive skydiving club. Many of the academic staff and
virtually all the administration are members. The evidence for this can be
found by rearranging the letters of "Monash University". These words are
actually an anagram for the phrase "many hover in suits".
Other evidence supporting this theory include the height of Menzies building
(constructed so that members can Jump off it, rather than hiring aeroplanes),
and the existence of numerous lawns and the pond beneath, perfect for landing sites.
MoreHidden
Questions have been raised about the abilities of the Monash Clayton vicechancellor, after the discovery that his name is an anagram for the phrases
"don's brain void" and dob In ravin' sod". Further investigation as to whether
he should remain vice-chancellor is now expected.
The cT/i/tt 's
When the JAFFY saw his results
up In the Rotunda, he went berserk. He grabbed an axe from the
boot of his car and attacked the
final-year student who had let
him down.
He neatly split the guy's head In
half with his axe, and left him
for dead in front of the Robert
Blackwood Hall, Amazingly, the
guy survived - and both Medicine and Psychology departments
offered t h e JAFFY a place in
their courses - upon his release
from prison, naturally.
Monash Security arc out to qct youi
Narky
UFOAnyone who has ever watched an episode of the X-FiJes win know what a UFO Is.
For those with something better to do on a Wednesday, a UFO is an unidentiQed
flying object. The inhabltemts of these space vehicles
are generally short, ugly and green in colour.
There have been countless sightings of both green objects and creatures at Monash. Strangely, these
sightings seem to increase in frequency during the
first week of second semester (most notably foUowing
the IB).
It is believed, by some, that Monash not only attracts
alien beings, but is aotuaUy home to them. Evidence
supporting this theory includes:
SateUite dishes on the roof of the Menzies btiUdlng
beaming messages to distant planets.
Strange patterns appearing on the various grassed
ovals scattered around Monash during 1997, these
include giant X's.
MAfiS.
M ON,
guiuiN iHc;
OK tM^Tq
it,
Messages
/\Nb PiNb
TRE Cjt^M
l^'llO lu\iX
\\..Mh
P'Ol> A
?uc\m'
ap IN
^R^^v.
9^8
The abUity of the Rotunda and ReUglous centre to act
as UFO landing sites. The ctrciilar structure helps to
disguise the UPOs - most people who actually register
that the buUdlngs have changed shape are lulled into
thinking that the unl has merely altered the roof shape
for aesthetic purposes.
The regular disruption of the science 'courtyard' ...
one day the ground Is flat, the next it has erupted into
moiinds of soU, stone and machinery.
Finally, the most compelling evidence for existence of
alien life at Monash:
On yoiir diary's campus map, line up the following
landmarks:
The Normanby Ed and N-E Ring Rd roundabouts. Oval
3, the Religious Centre and the Rotunda. The Alexander Theatre acts as your final pointer What building
are aliens heading for when they use these circular
beacons? Check it out for yourself...
page 19
Murder of a Princess
12.35 am. Sunday August S I " 1997. In the tunnel under the Place de L'Alma
In Pajls there was a major car crash. What separated this crash from the
enormity of other crashes was that was Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Al Payed were on board. WhUe
much of the world held It's breath amd waited, the
princess fought, and lost the battle for her life.
After her death, there were many theories as to the
cause of Diana's death. Was it the Paparazzi, who would
do anything for a photo? Was it the driver who was
allegedly drunk? Or was it some other party yet to be
identified? Was it aliens? There has been a conspiracy.
It may have been an 'accident', but it did not happen
by chance.
Since King Henry VIII created the Church of England, the royal family has been at the head of the
chiirch in England. An Institution which has held
fast for centuries, now seems on the verge of collapse.
I n t h e d t i y of Henry VIII, If he did not like his wife he
'got rid of her'. While it Is not so easy to dissolve a
marriage todajf, the problems with royal miss-matches
still occur, as was the case with Diana and Fergie.
While Fergie could be 'disposed of with relative ease,
DlaJia was another problem. She was a princess of the
people. She wa^ well loved, charismatic and accommodating. Most impor
tantly, she truly cared. In many ways she was like a princess out of a fairytale.
Accident?
Dl dies and out comes a batch of Es in London with pictures of Dl's face make the connection. The Queen is once again collecting royalties; in a desperate bid to stay the richest woman In the world the Queen had turned to
dealing drugs, however, sales were down and something had to be done
On the other end of the spectrum there was the Queen. She was stern-faced, and
serious. Shenever displayed an ounce of emotion In public, from the early days
to the present. She makes a rock seem temperamental.
In the beginning of Diana's marriage to Charles everything
was perfect. Here was a young, beautiful, innocent looking,
noble-born girl who was to marry the future king. Things
could not have been better. As the years went by, the relationship soured, and Diana's popularity grew.
The marriage failed bke so many marriages today, but Diana
had out grown the royal family. She was the royal family. She
was bigger than the royal family. In the time after the divorce It was evident which of the two the English people
preferred and loved.
The Queen had to do something. She could not let the royal
family slide. So she set-up the driver. She made sure the driver
was drunk, knowing there would be paparazzi waiting for
the car to leave the Rltz. The bodyguard had to have known
about it (he was the only one wearing a seatbelt).
It was a cunning plan. And it did work. To cover it up, she
even allowed a state funeral. Millions watched as Diana was
given a solemn send-off. The emotions were tremendous. I
cried. Elton's song could have made statues cry (and they
almost did).
All this time the Queen showed no emotion. I can understand the motive, but I
could never understand how she covUd sit there in full view of millions and hold
that transparent sad face.
J)on Wan
$30mllUon, need I saj more William and Harry?
Sales of the Little Budgie hehcopter were down and Fergie needed money Weight Watchers wasn't working out. What's more she was sick of being shown
up by that prissy goody-two shoes of a princess.
The queen mother looks innocent enough, but as with any grandmother, its only
wise to mess with her family so many times
She's not dead - I spotted her at the Mardl Gras. After living her life as a lie
she had to be true to herself, and will live the rest of her life as the drag
queen she always was - sequined dresses, blue mascara and her paission for
dancing.
After a night of anal probing and scaring cows, aliens were flying on home.
(via France) They passed over Dl and Dodl and in doing so interfered with
the controls of the oair thus killing them - a deliberate attack on the people's
princess, or an intergalatical accident, you decide.
Aids sufferers and small children were of the sight of her weeping face and
sugary sweet sympathetic visits, so they had her killed.
The CIA had her killed because she was about to go pubUc on the passionate
love affair she had with the man in the oval office, Clinton.
Camilla, liking the idea of using Charlie as a tampon, got sick of waiting.
The British government had her killed as she had discovered Tony Blair's
evil secret - he was really a conservative.
If you drink with Di. yoii 're a bloody idiot.
British secret service discovered she was an Iraqi spy, gathering intelligence
from the royal family and grooming the princes to overthrow the throne and
take control of the country. She and her contact Dodi had to die.
page 20
I'm not too paranoid... am I?
™o
Fact 4:
There is also no evidence that Shakespeare ever even wrote a letter, and there
is evidence that he received only one in his lifetime.
Fact 5:
The 1623 edition of the First Folio contained sixteen (some argue twenty)
plays which had never been previously published, eg. The Tempest, Macbeth.
Shakespeare had been dead for seven years.
Fact 6:There is no evidence that, during Shakespeare's lifetime, reference
was made either to the author of Shakespeare's works as having come from
Stratford, or of a Stratford man being the author.
Fact 7:
There was no eulogy given for Shakspere when he died in Stratford - this in
the era of eulogies.
So who did write these works? Some say Christopher Marlowe (1564 - 1593),
arguing he was a spy for the Crown, and faked his death in order to cover his
activities and avoid arrest. His death was never properly investigated, investigators accepting the murderer's word that it was in self-defence (the murderer was also a friend of Marlowe's). Others argue Francis Bacon, amongst
them an American court of law, which in 1916 found that Bacon, not Shakespeare, was the true author. At the time of publication of the 1623 edition of
the first folio, Shakespeare had been dead seven years and Marlowe thirty
years: only Francis Bacon survived this publication. Cryptoanalysis has also
found Francis Bacon's name repeated throughout Shakespeare's works in
ciphers. The most convincing evidence leads to Edward de Vere, t h e 17th
Earl of Oxford (1550 - 1604). For example, there is an abundance of contemporary references to de Vere's literary accomplishments, including his known
status as a pseudonymous Court writer of the 1580's - remember that there
was no contemporary recognition of Shakspere of Stratford as a great playwright.
Only de Vere possessed the Intimate knowledge of courtly life that the author
demonstrated in his writing.
William Shakespeare - one of the greatest poets and playwrights in the history of the English language, a man revered as the archetype of wit, wisdom
and 17th century savvy. His is a household name In every English speaking
country - Shakespeare's writing, more so than that of any other writer, has
worked its way into the 'collective unconscious.' Yet a question remains that
most orthodox scholars would prefer to ignore. Did Shakespeare, of Stratford-upon-Avon, to whom this body of writing is attributed, actually write it?
The evidence against this is startling - exposing possibly the greatest fraud
ever executed In academic history.
The list of eminent sceptics is long: Charles Dickens, Freud, Sir John Gielgud,
Henry James, Malcolm X, Orson Welles, Walt Whitman and James Joyce have
all expressed serious doubt regarding the attribution to Shakspere of Stratford-upon-Avon. Unfortunately the authorship of these works is unlikely to
ever be resolved, the answer lost in the mists of time, the fog of history and
the lack of definitive evidence in any direction. This is unfortunate, as knowledge of the real identity of the author could revolutionise our interpretation
of one of the most important bodies of works in English literary history.
Xanela
The authorship controversy has been raging for centuries. To many academics, the facts surrounding Shakespeare and the works attributed to him just
don't fit
Fact 1:
The author demonstrated a proficient understanding in areas including law,
music, foreign languages, classics, aristocratic manners and sport. How could
William Shakespeare, born to working class parents in a rural area, acquire
this knowledge? There is no evidence that he did.
Fact 2:
There are no books, manuscripts, or even papers mentioned in Shakespeare's
othervrtse detailed will. There was no evidence of his writing found amongst
his possessions after his death.
Fact 3:
The only samples of handwriting that can be authoritatively attributed to the
Stratford man are six almost illegible signatures from legal documents, in
which the spelling differs to the version in the printed works: he writes
'Shakspere', while the printed version is 'Shakespeare'.
The qoods are in locker 64.
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TheAllBlackOut
The most sinister of plots often develop right under your nose, and
will only be fully understood when it is too late. Good people of Austraha, such a threat exists today. It is right in our own backyard. New
Zealand. We must be aware of the danger which is lurking so close at
hand. I urge you all to read on, and I pray that yoxir eyes will be opened
to the pern which we face.
A recent piece of news, which to many is nothing more than the butt of
jokes, is the current power failure strangling New Zealand's largest
city, Auckland. It is put to the unknowing populace as an unfortunate
coincidence in which four large power supply cables have been rendered inoperable, thus blacking out a large area of the city. Yet, if one
were to calculate the chances of all four cables breaking at the same
time, the odds w^ould become inordinate
Complaints have been aimed at the private company which suppUes
power to Auoklajid, however this problem is not the result of lax maintenance. No! This is sabotage, but from within the company, upon direct orders from a higher command. The privatisation of power supply
has taken the responsibility away from an unsuspecting, well duped
New Zealand government, and given the masters of "The Game" the
window of opportunity they have been seeking.
So, who are the masters? By fitting the disparate pieces Of the Jigsaw
together it becomes quite obvious. This power failure is the only visible
part of a carefully orchestrated mlUtary operation undertaken by the
United States government, in coUuslon with the United Nations and a
third, far darker force. While it has been long suspected that these
three forces are united in a bid to taJce over the world, the amassing of
an army of sufficient size to undertake such a task ha.s seemed, even to
the most vigilant among us, a significant Impediment to the progress of
such a program.
What has been less evident is from where the dark force has sprung.
Only now has the proof become apparent. The element of large electrical generation capacity involved in the current crisis points the finger
squarely toward the skies. The dark force is comprised of a league of
aliens. Not only does the darkness reduce their chances of being identified as they land, but the massive current required to maintain their
spacecrait while present on Earth equates roughly with that needed to
fuel a small modern city. Thus the trinity Is complete.
In this instance it Is clear that a large window of time is required for
the movement of heretofore unseen numbers of personnel and equipment. What is being moved to this island nation is a force which is to be
trained in subduing civilian populations for the Imposition of world
government. The personnel are being supplied by the US, which has
lately decommissioned large military estabUshments in the Philippines
and is soon to in Japan.
New Zealand is strategically the ideal location for a training ground. In
the network of bunkers deep beneath the unpassable mountains of
New Zealand, there is space available for barracking millions of soldiers, safe from detection. Australia, despite its vast sparsely inhabited
deserts, would have been too conspicuous to make a viable primary
base. New Zealand's reputation as a pacifist isle means it is rarely under the eye of foreign spy satellites. Further, the insufficient local population is so lightly armed as to pose no resistance to the force in its
surge across the globe.
People of Australia, now is the time to take action. We must not ignore
the dark force of a totalitarian world regime ruled by alien interests
which is looming before us. Already the season of unrest has begun in
South East Asia. The strict IMP conditions applied to Indonesia and
Korea will be the catalyst for massive civil strife. This m turn will providing the legitimation for intervention by the "peacekeeping forces".
We now face the privatisation of our own utilities, and can only wonder
how far the threat has already spread to our shores.
There Is no coincidence. The progress of doom is slow but steady-
"QlOice!"
page 22
Iiiam "get some paranoia
up ya"
Naakervis
The truth is out there.
The US Iraq Conspiracy
The recent cinematic release, Wag The
Dog, where the US President stages a 'virtual' war agsiinst Albania to distract the
electorate from his sexual Indiscretions,
bears remarkable similarities to Bill
Clinton's recent dilemmas involving
Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, and of
course Saddam Hussein. Hussein's willingness to rise from the ashes of Middle
k
^ ^ ^ * ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ H Eastern oblivion every time the President
^^
" S ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ l ^^^^ himself into a spot of bother back
in the US, invites the conclusion that not
only is Hussein not actually against the US government, as the propaganda would have us believe, but rather that, he is an xuider-cover
agent for the CIA.
This would mean that the state of Iraq (the favourite post Cold-War
enemy number one of the western world) is no more than a figment of
our collective Ima^natlon. If Iraq is in fact £in Imaginaiy state - and
Hussein a US lackey - the entire history of Iraq and of Operations
Desert Storm and Desert Thunder falls Into place. Upon even the slightest examination, the recent history of Iraq is undoubtedly fictitious.
Take, for exEimple, Its accumulation of weapons of mass destruction
and refusal to allow Americans amongst the UN Inspections teams. It
would be reasonable to ask why Americans were so necessary for this
Inspection, and the answer Is illuminating to say the least. Americans
are required due to the simple fact that a substantial amount of the
weaponry being hoarded originates from America.
Iraq is no more than a
figment of our collective
imaginations.
Prior to the reinvention of Iraq as the new world enemy, America had
been supporting Iraq in its war against Iran, and this Involved supplying Iraq with arms. After Irsiq's success, America decided that they
had changed their minds, and Iraq was no longer deemed a 'suitable'
ally (despite the fact that little, if Einything, had changed within Iraqi
policy or leadership). Surely this sheer hypocrisy and blatant lack of
foresight could not be feasible from the greatest super-power of the
twentieth century. If we accept Instead that Iraq is the US' covert 51st
state, then the US was merely arming itself. Iraq as a state of the US
also explains the phenomenon of the 'disappearing Kurds'. As a race of
For Your Eyes Only
people, the Kurds have an astonishing
ability to vanish from world politics
every time Hussein ceases to be a threat.
These people cannot actually exist. If
they did, it would signify that the attention given to their plight during war time
is merely a very transparent excuse for
the western world to involve itself In
Mlddle-Ea,stern affairs. And given the
proven morality of the west, this could
not be the case.
If Iraq does not exist, you might eisk,
what was Operation Desert Storm? In fact. Operation Desert Storm was
nothing more than what it's name impUes, an expensive video game.
The entire war was simulated on video screens and broadcast around
the globe. Why then did the US bother to stage a virtual war - there
were no accusations of sexual misdemeanor or Watergate-style scandal
for George Bush back in 1990-91? The answer is simple. Money. Following the end of the Cold War, the US had little need for its vast military capabilities, and therefore for the phenomenal expenditure allocated to defence. The Invention of a new enemy, with a suitably threatening leader, allows the US billions of dollars of leeway each year to
make up for the expenditures that we never hear about - like the wages
of foreign dictators such as Hussein and Castro. More recently, CUnton
has found much need for this excess cash in order to fund the everincreasing team of lawyers, mudslingers and paparazzi necessary to
orchestrate the smear campaigns on the Ukes of Lewinsky, Jones and
now Wllley.
This money also comes in handy to Involve foreign co-operation from
the Ukes of Australia. This in t u r n helps legitimise its 'wars' and the
cycle can continue. Australia's Involvement in the Middle East is undoubtedly a farce. Just look at all the secrecy that surrounded the
whereabouts of the SAS upon their departure from Australia. AH the
pubUc, and presumably the press, was told was that they were 'somewhere In the Middle East'. Nice Try. We all know that the SAS (aka
Specialised Actors Services) were instead sunning themselves in the
midwest of the USA, getting a few tips from Hollywood on how to realistically portray soldiers In case the need arose.
So basically, all of Hussein's posturing in the Middle-East amounts to
nothing more than the US' need to boost its income. By declaring war,
or even by declaring that war is irruninent, the US can justify increases
in expenditure which can be used firstly to pay for the governments
hidden expenses, and secondly to perpetuate the cycle by funding further 'wars' and involving foreign nations. The sexual Indecency changes
currently being laid on the President necessitated drastic action, action which Hussein was only too willing to provide.
8uay
Xillmister
page 23
V^P^
From the filing cabinet of the
fashion guru...
travel
Welcome to the fashion guru's
column, a predictor of style and
fashion that knows no bounds.
Here you can find out what are this
winter's essentials, and what
garments really should be left on the
wardrobe floor. Of course, the
fashion gum holds no responsibility
for losses incurred while wearing
the clothes mentioned below. (You
get bumt by one lawsuit, and you
never forget).
liTest^le
Toad
So what's cool at the moment?
Well apart from the list below, the
big mover and shaker of the
moment is those old favourites, the
brothel-creeper (otherwise known
as Rollers). With their distinctive
rolling sole, and smart felt styling,
these are the must-have of the
season for the distinguished
gentleman. The fashionable female
can be seen atop a pair of
moonboots, preferably from the
most expensive shop down Chapel
St. way. Not only do they accentuate
height, but they take attention away
from your socks (which is always a
good thing). But let's get to the list.
The "Too much Fudge in Hair" look
White Sneakers - Worth a few months
wear
Skirts over pants - Use-by date was end
of summer
Porno Moustaches
Astroboy as logo - several years overdue
In fact, porn in general.
"I am a thief" T-shirts - Only good as a
throwaway.
Handbags (Yes, for men too!
Airline Style Bags -The first ones were
cool...
Stirrup Pants - 1 smell a comeback! (Just
kidding)
Spiky Haircuts - Winter is just too cold
Kid's Dept. T-Shirts - You can save
thousands!
Goggles/Bug-eye Sunglasses - We're
not flying, OK?
Thin straps on heels
Construction Gear at raves - 1 don't mind
novelty...
in
Vision Street Wear (In some altemate
universe)
Extra pockets on pants/skirts
- still so useful
mone^
Tracksuit "Snap-Pants". You're not
warming up for the Lakers or anything.
Pedal Pushers - Forget it, girls.
It's over
Non-Black Netting -classierthan
you think
So there you have it. See ya next month
T h e Fashion G u r u .
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relating to disability awareness for fifty-two weeks of the year.
Some of the many university sections that provide services for
people with disabilities Include faculties and departments,
examinations branch, the disability liaison office, community
services, parking and security, the library and the MUACPD. The
Committee consists of a number of campus sub-committees.
They address issues of local concern and advise the committee.
If you have any issues you wish to have addressed by the
Monash University Advisory Committee for People with
Disabilities, you may write c/o the Equal Opportunity Unit, Gallery
building, Clayton campus.
What is Disability Awareness Week?
The disability liaison office... your resource.
Disability Awareness Week is an annual Monash University
event. It is aimed at raising awareness of disability rights
in higher education within the Monash university
community, across all of Its campuses. It is hosted by
the Monash University Advisory Committee for People
with Disabilities (MUACPD).
Disability Liaison Officers (DLOs) are available to assist staff and students on
all campuses and may be your first port of call for Information and advice on
disability services available on and off campus. The Disability Liaison Office,
within the Equal Opportunity Unit at Clayton, services all metropolitan campuses.
The Disability Liaison Officer in Community Services is available forGlppsland
students and staff and all distance education and open learning students.
Why have disability awareness week?
5S
rs
Over 1400 students and an unknown number of staff at
Monash have a disability or medical condition. Many
disabilities are hidden from view and sometimes other
people's attitudes can be the biggest barrier. A disability
might effect hearing, vision, learning, and mobility. It may
be a medical condition. Illness or a psychiatric condition.
It may be temporary or permanent, chronic or In remission.
It may have a small or large impact on study and work.
The DLOs assess students with disabilities for eligibility for services and support
under the Monash University Disability Support (MUDS) program. If a student
provides appropriate documentation and is eligible for the program, the DLOs
can then connect the student with a variety of services according to individual
need.These might Include note takers, attendant carers, alternative arrangements
for assessment, altematlve formats (large print, braille, audio) or specialist
equipment. Some of these services may be very helpful to staff with disabilities
in making the work place more accessible. If you want more information atxiut
disability liaison services call:
... And what about the rest of the year?
Disability Awareness Week may only be for one week,
but Monash University students and staff are involved In
activities, committees, service provision, access and
safety minor works, training, and policy development
DLO - Metropolitan campuses - 9905 5704 - Gillian Bruce (Caulfield), Annette
Rudd (Clayton, Peninsula, Parkville) or John Mllburn (Clayton)
DLO - Gippsland (Intemal and Extemal students) and Benwick - 99026794 Cheryl Billing-Smith
Studying with a Disability
•Like any ordinary university student, I am here to study, to make new friends, to enjoy university
life and experience stress tjefore an exam!!! Like many other students, hidden among the university
community, I have a disability A hearing impairment with a severe hearing loss. This is where I
began to experience my first major problems harxlling my disability in a university setting.
On attending my first lecture, I chose to sit in Ifie fiist row. My opinion was that I wouldn't experience
any difficulty hearing the lecturer Boy was I wrong! The lecturers seemed to mumt)le, making it
difficult for me to understand them. During the lecture, the lecturer would also face the blacktxard
or walk around the room, making it difficult for me to lip-read him/her. Without tfie aids of overtiead
notes, or printed lecture notes, I would have felt totally lost.
Monash University's Disability Liaison Office (DLO) Is where I found most of my help. They very
willingly provided me with a notetaker which allowed me to attend lectures and forget atx)ut tfie
worry of taking notes, allowing me to lip read the lecturers.The DLO also provides Peer Mentoring
group meetings. The purpose of these meetings is to meet other students with disabilities and
discuss issuesrelatingto each individual's disability. It Is the support that the DLO provides that
allows people like me to have ttie opportunity to achieve high standards in gaining a degree.
Kelly Thong
page 26
Turn the page when you've finished rcad'mq it.
Disabilities Services officer in the
Matheson library
\ am writing to introduce myself. I am David Godley and I'm the Library Assistant for People with
Disabilities in the Humanities and Social Science Library. My job is varied, but includes helping students
with disabilities to gather materials from around the library and photocopying for students who find this
difficult because of their disability or medical condition. I can also introduce students to the range of
adaptive technology we have in our resource rooms for people with disabilities (over in the Music and
Multi media section). This includes a scanner, a speech synthesiser and text enlargement software for
people with vision impairments. This means people that have difficulty with accessing the catalogue on
tenninals can have access via speech or large print. I am also here as a point of contact if you are
having problems with accessing any of the University Libraries.
During Disability Awareness Week you are most welcome to come by and see me and have a tour of the
resource rooms. Drop by on Thursday, 24th April between 12 and 2pm.
At any other times I can be contacted by phoning (03) 9905 1128. My hours are Monday, 9 am - 3 pm,
Tuesday 9 am - 5 pm, Wednesday 12 pm - 5 pm, and Thursday 9 am - 3 pm. You can also reach me
on e.mail - [email protected].
Hope to see you soon.
David Godley
Autism to me
A L U THE
To?
SOciAi-/3T5
PoiAjN
THE
Autism is: being present in this
world,
But not entirely of it.
I am one step removed and curled,
The switch just doesn't click.
THE NOTTING HILL HOTEL
IbO-lbt
I perform the role of my perception,
And play many parts so well.
But minus files for my redemption,
My part in life I cannot tell.
Life is like a video,
I watch but cannot partake.
My uneven skills are but an echo,
Of the frustrations which I hate!
However, my focused use of time
and space,
I would not give away.
I know that I am especially placed,
For some developed career one day!
I am alive; I breathe, move, talk and function just like any other Human Being.
However, my difference expresses itself in various ways, egocentricity, eccentricity, and emotional
immaturity, but in particular in my uneven skill ability. I am easily distracted. However, at other times I am
completely taken up with an obsession or a perception that enables me to stay focused.
The kind of autism that I experience, Asperger's Syndrome (AS), was not translated into English until
1991, therefore the term, and its implications, may not be that familiar.
Many professionals today believe AS appears to fit at the far end of the autism continuum, with individuals
of mostly normal intelligence. However, we do demonstrate the same kind of behaviours as other autistics.
For example, we dislike change (we prefer routine); we tend to be obsessive; we become anxious very
easily; we take what is said to us literally and cope poorly with criticism.
However, in spite of being autistic (or maybe because of it) I am a successful student. I have completed a
bachelor of social science and a bachelor of social work. Currently I am continuing to study.
Scientists in England have discovered that most causes of autism are genetically based. The next step
will be genetic counselling. I just want to say that if they took the 'autism' out of me, then I wouldn't be who
lam.
Although autism limits me at times, I have so much to thank autism for. It enables me to view life from a
perspective that NT (neural typicals) cannot and because I am not using brain space to be an active
socialite, I can use it productively and creatively within my career.
MO/NJASH
3oc\fiti\:LB
NOTT.
'.
no
CenadiDn MmaUan
Ferntree Gully Rd
l^nimlflf^.,.
r
Study
i4V
Ccunax^APi/
OPEN Mrs W MELBOURNE:
Friday, 24th April 98 • 10 am • 5 pm
Hotel Sofitel Melbourne • Victoria Suite 2
25 Collins Street (in city), Melbourne
(ask front desk at hotel for direction to
Canada offers:
* a first class education
.* universally accepted degrees
* low tuition fees
* a high standard of living
* multicultural diversity
Canadian Education Centre
Canadian High Commission
Commonwealth Avenue
Canberra ACT 2600, AUSTRALIA
Telephone: f02) 6 2 7 3 - 3 8 4 4
Facsimile: (02) 6 2 7 0 - 4 0 8 3
Email: CanadaEduC@aol com
Web Site: (under construction)
Wendy Lawson
\'rr on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. ytfah.
page 27
anorexia
Looking back over my years at school and at uni, I am surprised at how many
people I have actually come into contact with who have suffered from an eating
disorder. Some have been acquaintances, others close friends. Each case has
always been unique. I always knew the basics about their disorders but I never
really understood why they were punishing their bodies and what they were
going through.
Both anorexia and bulimia are eating disorders which involve a preoccupation
with body weight and food. Sufferers of anorexia strive intensely to control the
amount and type of food they eat. Anorexia is characterised by a loss of at
least 15% body weight resulting from refusal to consume sufficient food, despite extreme hunger. On the other hand, bulimia is characterised by eating
binges which Involve consumption of large amounts of calorie-rich foods, during
which the person feels a loss of personal control and self disgust. In their
attempts to compensate for these binges and to avoid weight-gain, the behaviour of bulimics involves self-induced vomiting, and/or abuse of laxatives/fluid
tablets, together with strict dieting or fasting, and generally vigorous exercise.
However, eating disorders are not this simple.
Here is Kelly's story, a 2 5 year-old who is a recovered bulimic and anorexic:
"I had bulimia from about the age of 15 to 19 years. Gradually over a year it turned into
anorexia and this lasted until I was 22 years.
"It was not one incident or one thing that started it. Looking back now I think it was a lot
to do with control. At the time I felt out of control with a lot of things, particularly my
emotions, so 1 used my weight and my eating as something I could control. I was generally
a happy, easy-going person and always good at school. I just felt that sometimes, because
people didn't expect me to be upset, that it was wrong for me to be depressed. No-one
ever asked me 'What is the matter?' or 'What is wrong?' 'Can we help?'. They just
laughed. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. However when you are a teenager things
always seem a hundred times worse than they really are. Some people turn to smoking or
drinking but I turned to controlling my weight or my food. That was my way of coping with
the changes I was going through.
"Sometimes it is quite difficult to realise
that you have a problem."
"In the morning I would not eat breakfast. I usually didn't eat lunch either or I would often
have something very small such as a diet yoghurt or a piece of fruit. I would often arrive
home from school and be so hungry that I would eat quite a lot and would make myself
sick. I usually ate a normal dinner but then I would be sick again. Late afternoon and
evening was when I would usually purge. This is because I would be so hungry that I would
eat and then I would feel guilty about eating and would not want to keep it down.
"I started to see a couple of psychiatrists, however this form of therapy was not very
effective. Rnally, my GP put me on to a psychiatrist that I really found helpful. I saw her
once a week and she also put me onto antidepressants. After about six months or so,
when I was twenty-one, I decided that I wanted to go into hospital. I remained there for
three and a half months.
'My main form of treatment was a rewards program. Once a week I was required to sign
a contract with particular conditions on it, such as I mustgain a certain amount of weight
or a must eat three meals a day. At the end of the week, if I hadn't done one of those
things or had done something wrong, I lost a privilege (for example, not being allowed to
use the telephone for one week or having to stay in my room for two weeks). This almost
forced me to change my behaviour which was really good for me. A lot of people don't
agree with those type of methods believing that they are cruel. However it forced me to
change my behaviour. I learned to cope with my eating disorders and I started to believe
that it was okay to eat. When I was forced to do things my mind and body then began to
accept them. Often if you have eating disorders you distance yourself from people. I used
to stay in my room all night and not want to talk to people or talk on the phone. You learn
to do that all again.
"While I was in hospital I was also involved in group counselling where we were matched
with people with similar problems to our own. I found group therapy quite helpful. It is the
kind of situation where everyone is very honest. It was good to hear other stories and how
people coped in various ways with different things. 1 found it a little intimidating talking to
a psychiatrist, sotalkingtoother people who are going through similar things was sometimes more comfortable. People try and understand and help but when it comes down to
it there is only so much you can do if you haven't gone through it and so much advice you
can give.
"In hospital I also had family therapy once a week where my Mum, Dad and brother would
come in for an hour and we would all sit down and talk to a counsellor. I found that really
helpful because the counselling didn't focus on me. It wasn't simply me and my problems, it involved everybody.
"1 went into hospital in March 1994. Ididmostof my recovery while I was in hospital but
I probably didn't fully recover for another 18 months. Once you are back into your old
surroundings it becomes easier to fall back into old habit. 1 never really went downhill
again, I just had a few ups and downs. It is a long process but everyday I got better and
better.
"Sometimes it is quite difficult to realise that you have a problem. My advice to anyone
with an eating disorder is to work out what your problem is and what you are doing that is
not "normal". To some people going to counselling is a difficult step because they don't
want to be forced into making changes. Maybe start by telling a friend or a family member. The first thing 1 did was attend group therapy (this is available at the A&BNFV). You
can just sit there and listen if you want to. They also have counselling sessions specifically for family and friends of sufferers so they get a chance to talk about what they are
going through and get some advice themselves".
Megan Pearson.
"Over the years I gradually ate less and less and would throw up more and more. I began
to lose weight and it got to the stage where I had lost so much weight that I decided that
I couldn't afford to eat anything. That is when it turned into anorexia. It basically developed from eating and throwing up to not eating at all.
"I guess I knew from the start because it is not really normal to be throwing up. I always
kidded myself that the problem wasn't that bad. During the first few years I lost a bit of
weight but I didn't lose enough for people to think that I was sick. Over a few years it
began to take up my whole life. I was very depressed and even suicidal at times. I tned to
stay in control but all I did was go out of control.
page 28
For more information contact:
The Anorexia & Bulimia Nervosa Foundation of Victoria (Inc)
1513 High Street
Glen Iris, Victoria 3146
Phone: <03) 9885 0318
Fax: (03) 9885 1153
Procrastination is the assassination of motiv
•X
jrf^t,
JW
^l^m-
reports from me office bears
Womens Officer's Report
WOMEN'S FESTIVAL
Initial organisation and brainstorming is already underway
for this event to be held in September, from the 21st25th. The festival will involve a number of different
activities, including two performance pieces, artwork,
workshops, short-filin showings and hopefully, the launch
of Dissent. The festival is a joint project between the
WAC and Student Theatre.
If you are interested in becoming involved in the Women's
Festival, WAC will be holding a series of workshops in
the last week of April 27th - 1st May. The workshops
will include such areas as video, performance, writing,
and lots more. Keep an eye out for posters with details of
the Workshop program.
about how individuals can be involved in ensuring that
the drafting of an Optional Protocol stays firm to the
commitments recognised in CEDAW.
CONVENTION ON THE ELIMINATION OF ALL
FORMS OF DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WOMEN
(CEDAW)
On Thursday 9th April (in L4), Sarah Joseph (Monash
University lecturer in Human Rights Law) will be
speaking about this Convention and the drafting of an
Optional Protocol.
The Optional Protocol will create a mechanism for redress
of individual grievances and may lead to the development
of gender .sensitive approaches by UN human rights treaty
bodies. It is important that the Protocol cover all
substantive rights in the Women's Convention (Amnesty
International Report, December 1997). If you arc
interested in learning more, please come the forum.
A member of Amiiesty International will also be speaking
Contact Sandra on 9905 5493, or visit her office in the
MSA (upstairs Union Building)
Sandra Roenfeldi
One of our many Office
Bears
MSA Childcare Rebate
MSA provides a rebate to student parents to help them with their childcare expenses.
You are eligible for the rebate if:
• you pay your amenities fee to the Clayton campus,
• you receive the maximum amount from the federal government's Childcare
Assistance Scheme and,
• your child attends a long day care centre or a registered family day care centre.
In recent years, the number of families claiming the rebate has increased substantially
which has put pressure on the amount available for each family. This year the
Student Board decided that in order to enable as many families as possible to
access the rebate, it was necessary to put a maximum limit on the amount each
f;imily could claim.
At the end of 1997, the daily amount was also reduced because the MSA budget
could not sustain the previous level of funding to the rebate scheme. This reduction
was in conjunction with the substantial budget cuts taken by all MSA departments.
You can claim $3 per day for one child, $4.50 for two children and $6 per day for
three or more children up to an annual limit of $450, $675 and $900 for one, two
and three or more children respectively.
Contact Julie Meade at SwiCh Centre on 9905 3125 for further intbrmation.
Gillian Davenport
MSA General Secretary
page 29
zip if t a c t upf
IMATION LS-1 20 SUPERDISK
what is a SuperDisk you ask? SuperDisks are 3.5-inch disks,
which look like your old 3.5-inch disks, but they hold 120
MB of information. Theexternal parallel part version of the
drive is just as easy as the Zip drive to plug in. You just
connect the thing to your printer port, run the software and
away you go. Imations's acceleration software is better that
Iomega's as the drives are fairly comparable but in a speed
test the LS-120 drive would win hands down.
Average seek
time
(milliseconds):
Maximum
transfer rate
(KB/second):
25
290
The other really cool thing about this drive is that you can
still use your old 720-KB and 1.44 MB disks. Unlike Zip
disks, which are rather unique, LS-120 disks are pretty much
exactly the same as your 'normal' floppy disk. On newer
computers you can even 'use the internal version of the
drive to replace your drive and you can even boot from a
LS-120 disk. The internal version of these things cost about
$175 and the SuperDisks are about $20 each.
SYQUEST'S EZFLYER
So you're playing around with your modem and computer
and suddenly you discover that you've stumbled onto
information that proves that |FK was not murdered. He is
actually living on an outback cattle station In Western
Australia somewhere! Now all you have to do is download
the information somehow and store it somewhere. Damn,
the files are too large for floppies. How often has this
situation happened to you (the disk part, not the )FK part)?
If your answer is 'way loo often' then you will be interested
in some of the removable storage options available. So,
the next time you have a large amount of 'stuff to transport
from one computer to another, you might consider these.
Theexternal parallel model isoneof the most convenient.
Firstly, it doesn't require any special cards (like SCSI) and it
connects straight to the printer port of any computer. Since
all the software you need comes on one disk, it makes it
very easy to move the drive around. So even if your friend's
computer doesn't have a Zip drive, you can just bring your
own. This is especially useful if you're using it on laptops,
since you don't have to invest more money in PCMCIA
SCSI cards which could cost an arm and a leg or maybe
more. The disadvantages of this are that it is rather slow
compared to some of the alternatives, but it is bearable.
Price for these are around $250 and around $20 for disks.
IOMEGA'S ZIP DRIVE
Iomega's blue 100-MB drives have been hitting the world
by storm and chances are that you probably know someone with one already. They come in three different types:
parallel port, SCSI and the new Plus (which automatically
delects if you're using a SCSI or parallel port).
The SCSI version of the drive comes in both an internal and
external version. To use this, you will need a SCSI interface
or you could get Iomega's Zip Zoom SCSI card. While it is a
bit of a pain having to get extra things to run this drive, the
speed improvement from it is pretty noticeable. Prices are
around $250.
The EZFlyer is the 'big boy' of the bunch as it stores a whopping 230-MB. The main drawbacks with these things are
that hardly anyone has heard of them! That just makes
these things hard to get your hands on. I don't see why they
are so unpopular as they are pretty fast and carry a heap of
storage. Then again they could be just too big for their own
good. Anyway these things normally cost around $260,
but they are hard to find as some retailers don't like to deal
with SyQuest for some reason.
Interface:
Average
seek
time
(milliseconds):
Sustained
transfer
rate
(MB/second):
Parallel
Port
13.5
SCSI
1.25 max
2.4
max
13.S
M Y PICK
Interface:
Average seek
time
(milliseconds):
Sustained
transfer rate
(MB/second):
Typical
throughput
(MB/minute.):
page 30
Parallel
Port
29
1.40
max
0.79
min
Up to
25
SCSI
Plus (SCSI
or parallel)
29
29
1.40 max
0.79 min
1.40 max
0.79 min
Up to 60
Up to 60
The ZipPlus drive uses AuloDetect technology so that you
can connect it to either a parallel or a SCSI port. The drive
itself will determine what you are using. If you have a SCSI
card on your computer it can be useful when you travel
since you don't have to worry about whether or not the
computer you're going to attach your drive to has a SCSI
interface or not. The major drawback of this unit is the cost.
It costs about $360, that's more than $100 more than the
single interface drives above.
Well my recommendation would be the Iomega's Zip drive.
The main reason is that they are everywhere and it's odds
on that when you take your Zip disk somewhere there will
be a Zip drive there to take advantage of it. They are easy to
set up and install the software and updated drivers are available over the Internet. Besides, who could go past holding
that really cool blue coloured drive in their hands!
Ronny Liew
(Send your suggestions for stuff to:
[email protected])
Noddy and Big Ears slipped cjuietly away into the darkness
Conspiracies are the flavour of the day, for this edition at
least. With the Internet being the best means these days
for spreading messages near and far, there is no shortage
of sites where someone somewhere has a conspiracy
theory on anything and everything. Most of the Top 5 this
edition are index sites, which provide links to pages
dealing with specific conspiracy topics. Here is the Top 5
this time around:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
http://www.ufomind.com
http://www.paranoia.com
http://www.conspire.com
hftp://www.fortunecity.com
http://www.unm.edu/~hrommel/conspire.html
Note that, with the exception of #5, these are just the
index sites dealing with different kinds of paranormal
activity. From these, access can be gained to an index
leading to specific conspiracy sites.
§iii
t^flste
The general index section has links to topics, other than
conspiracies, ranging from parapsychology (telekinesis, etc)
and forteana (Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, etc) to UFOs
and alien life. All up, there are 6,087 links from this site to
others dealing with such specific topics.
This edition's #1: www.ufomind.coni
"World's Largest and Best Organised UFO/Paranormal
Website" - Low Graphics, No JAVA, No Music, No Fluff
... Only the Stuff You Need
This is the greeting one receives when this site is visited.
If the visitation rate is anything to go by, then this site sure
does have the goods. 21,988,649 hits since 22 October,
1996, with 5i,b53 happening the day before I visited.
The conspiracy section itself is quite impressive in the range
it covers. To access this page directly, use
www.ufomind.com/para/conspire/. lust about every
conceivable possible conspiracy topic is covered
(qualification - from an American point of view). There
are the usual, approaching mundane conspiracy theories,
such as those relating to the )FK assassination. Princess
Diana's death (16 links alone) and TWA Flight 800.
Spice Girls Miss
Many of you might be heartened to know the Spice Girls
aren't too popular on the internet. November last year their
pretty pink site was hacked. The altered site was present
for about forty-eight hours before being discovered - which
means the Spice Girl page wasn't very well monitored.
Personally, I'm not sure which is more funny, the Spice
Girls ultra commercial site, or the seriousness of the hackers
who attacked it! Instead of taking the light-hearted
approach to messing with the pin-up girls of consumerism,
a team calling themselves CodeZero used the site to draw
Remember to smell theflowers,but don't inhale the bees.
Of the more interesting subjects were a number of links
devoted to the theory that the earth is hollow and that world
governments are conspiring to suppress this fact. As time
was against me at that moment, I was unable to go any
further into the details regarding this, but the few snippets
I did gel to see certainly indicate this may be worth having
a closer look at. At least, it's more justified than reading a
dozen theories on whether it was the Cubans, the KGB or
the CIA who killed President Kennedy.
Another interesting, but more disturbing topic, was the
theory that AIDS was not introduced to humans through
contact with monkeys, but, rather, was a secret biological
American experiment gone horribly wrong. I managed to
make some time to go through this one and was startled at
the suggestions that were backed up with medical, legal
and circumstantial evidence. A different twist on this
particular page from the others that I saw was that the author
was not entirely convinced of these opinions (they were
based on a largely unknown scientific report from the
1980s), but, instead, was calling for a more thorough
investigation into what could be a plausible explanation
for this catastrophe. Not exactly light reading, but thought
provoking nonetheless.
All in all, for any reference required regarding conspiracy
theories (or, for that matter, a much larger range of
paranormal activity), this site is certainly a must visit.
Keith Kendall
the Net
attention to a "conspiracy to commercialise the internet".
Yeah right. Furthermore, this was heralded as a "statement
against mass culture and the masses' use of the Internet"
by zines like 2600. It's worth seeing just to laugh at the
"we are hackers, we rule this place you call your internet..."
type spiel. You can check out both the hacked site and the
original at http://www.2600.com/hackedphiles/spice/.
Which version will you find more offensive?
Vanessa "Geeky Spice" Toholla
page 31
Life's uJl|2. sWfc steHj
pall year
fiMer out
C©MfCtltu(9tV
Congrats to Lisa for her winning conspiracy! The
next challenge is a story about one of your travel
culture clashes, y o u r l a n g u a g e which y o u r
pcuents simply cannot translate, or some other
divergence from your normal 'culture' experience
which you may have had. This revelation must
be no longer than two h u n d r e d words, and
submitted by Wednesday, April 15*. Travel tales
ahoy!
KirtLtW
She stumbled once more as she tried to move out
from its shadow. Hovering above, eerUy blocking
the sun, it made her shiver She had seen it before.
At the football, the music bowl, glimpses as it
watched h e r Cold panic swept in and our hero
forced her legs a little faster, no use! There was
n o escape on the street. She ducked into the
crowded supermarket and sought solace in the
golden colored box of chocolates. CXitside, the
bright yellow balloon trailed off into the horizon.
Mission accomplished. Before long, the entire
population would be a Whitman's blimp.
Welcome to the inaugural finger-pulling
column. We hope you'll use those digjls
wisely in creating masterpieces of various
literary persuasions.
'Pieces of Eighf Mini Comp:
Short story of 56 words. Poetry of 8 lines. 'Rare
treasure' 8-word image. Prizes: $20, $10, $5. For an
entry form, send a SSAE to FAW. $ entry fee [?]
Deadline 30 April 1998.
Hobo magazine:
is running a haiku comp with a first prize to the
value of $350. For an entry form, send a stamped,
self-addressed envelope to the Fellowship of
Australian Writers, PO Box 1270, Kensington, Vic
3031. Deadline 15* April 1998.
Leeton Eisteddfod Poetry Comp:
Poems to 50 lines; open theme. Prizes - $100; $20.
For entry form, send SSAE to Entry Secretary, P.O.
Box 332, Leeton, NSW, 2705. Entry fee $3. Deadline
31 May 1998.
Sunshine Coast Writers' Group Short Stoiy and
Poetry Comp:
Stories to 2000 words and poetry to 40 lines. Open
theme. Prizes in each section: first, $150; second,
$175; third, $25. For an entry form, send a SSAE to
FAW $3 entry fee. Deadline 30 April 1998.
FAMPAC Play FesHval:
Chance to have your 20 - 45 minute play read by
actors, evaluated by recognised drama critic and
ultimately performed. For entry form, send SSAE
to Andrea Ford / FAMPAC, 18 Wilson Rd,
Mornington 3931. Deadline 30 June 1998.
Wiffb 3 Am Leornoiq
At Lot's Wife, they're uncertain of how to report it, so,
secretly, I am trying it myself. That I've been called
'creative' - not 'true to life' or 'factual' - is a challenge
and an irrelevancy. No news story is 'true': a true story
is a paradox. And no 'made-up' story is ever entirely
fictitious.
Consider the image of two faces that are, at second
glance, the contours of a vase. Both images may appear
simultaneously; we may prefer to see one rather than
the other. But if we are honest, we can never believe
that only one image makes up the entire picture.
It 1^ .ill o\<.T Muri.ish, niv .story Tlx'grounds are rustling
with it; the Ming Wing is trembling with the shock of
it. Repeated inevery department, it's all I've heard for
days: "Did you hear ..."; "Is he really...?".
Conversation in any other form has come to a standstill.
No-one goes to the John Medley Library any more,
though it looks shiny and bright and inviting as ever
They're even keeping out of Wholefoods, as though
the vapour of it, of this, has tainted the food.
But despite the convergence of voices on the story, it
remains incomplete, and while the plot seems explicit,
the details are obscure. I want to know why he -1 want
to know what he was listening to.
page 32
Or that he was still and tranquil, as though not of this
world at all. This makes no difference to the story.
Perhaps it was even 'Back for Good' - the kitchest of
songs can sometimes resonate the most deeply.
*
But sometimes I am certain, though I was reading Anna
Kareninii, that he put his hand into his pocket and drew
something out, though precisely what it was I cannot
decide.
*
And I can see quite clearly that hand's movement
Maybe it was Guns 'n' Roses on his headphones. That across the other, the object glinting.
might fit.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps 1 am imagining the glint
»
because it makes a good story. But there was certainly
And of course this is my story, because 1 am telling it. a movement. And the scene, as I recall it, as 1 imagine
That day, as every other day for weeks, I was reading it, is suffered with red.
/}//w; Knn'iiinn. Since I am writing this story into
existence (or writing the facts into this story, however
you wish), I can suggest that on that day I was reading
End of story.
it in the John Medley Library.
*
*
Perhaps it was 'Creep' he was listening to, that vicious
interior monologue.
I can also claim that at some other point in the room, a
barely postpubescent boy was sitting in a chair I can
say that he was wearing headphones, and indeed, that
he was tapping his fingers nervously on the armrest.
And the answers? Only a nonexistent person has them.
All I have are questions and descriptions, and so do
you, now.
As for the conclusion, there is only one, and that was
the climax.
Welcome to reality.
Helena Sverdlin
I reject the cynical view t h a t politice is inevitably, or even usually, dirty business - Anon
Cfif^J^ yfjeirACCklA
TfVg;
C-\ri^J-h.WMlj
Child
Wandering
Wondering
Grey stones lie on the grass watching
Man's conceptual projection of time
It was blatantly obvious,
glaring me in the face.
Your kind nature and caring words
could not have been mistaken f<ir
anything less.
I ^hust rhiMreii
Breathe lonely illusions
The city whispers of the shadows that
have passed through
I stare at man impermanent in the frame
He believed in the bridge until it fell
I saw him plunge the knife, into his
chest, stagger backwards and then fall
on his flag
The crucifixes burned like dead trees
I just smiled
Windows showed a world further away
1 was immature and inexperienced,
too trusting much too soon.
Basically too naive,
and ignorant about your world.
Every mountain
1 climb
r fall off
Confused
Dirty
Clouded
Tainted
A spider walks the walls of my room
I'm waiting for it to kill me
Time moves past as shadow and night
Windows show a world 1 don't know
Waves wash over me
I'm drowning 1 lie by the side of the
road and watch window covered faces
slowly drift
Past mouthing wtirds I don't know
Reality contradicts ego fantasy
I watch them go and smile as my blood
flows amongst the shattered mirrors that
lie all around my body on the black road
Finally I woke up to your games
and my impression of you changed.
I realised your true nature
and your undermining plans.
\-n\
jVii-!(-d :rH\ f orwj-^ircti
against my own esteem.
Antagonising and provoking,
shattering my dreams.
Even today 1 see you out there,
pretending to be a friendly person.
But now I am a little wiser,
knowing the truth about your persona.
As you can see I won the battle,
against the conspiracy you called a
friendship.
1 am now stronger as a consequence,
not as trusting or naive.
Today I wish to thank you
for being who you are.
Because 1 know I will never allow
myself
To be hurt like that again.
Megan
\\tVo^
To know w h a t
Is to k n o w
Alone in life w e
Books from
So where is heroin hero
W h o w e n t and stole the children
Where is heroin hero
W h o gives the boys the high?
In life w e are robots
Working t o w a r d s one goal
In death we come in unity
Rising to form one soul
D a m a g e d consequence
Limps meekly out the door
The mind stays within
In the fervent search for m o r e
Born into a life of hard w o r k
Like good children we go to school
G r a d u a t e to find a hard job
We are all taken as fools
G u n metal tin box
Syringe and spoon and knife and wrist
The rush to drink the k n o w l e d g e
Of your end once again.
Roaming we are lost souls
Here on earth for a short time
If to be h u m a n is to suffer
Then the ultimate torture is life
1 he liejit :li.il hrins;s fhi;' d.irkiu^i
The taste that brings the night
Damnation or salvation
Life takes its chance, you smile.
Study for the best part
Of a childhood that never w a s
To w o r k and s u p p o r t a family
A feel beyond the conscious
A t h o u g h t beyond the mind
To run from w h a t you hid there
Or to .see the other side?
We h u m a n s are a trial run
Of the c o m p u t e r k n o w n as earth
There m u s t be an error in
programming
As w e continue to give birth
A blow that reels the senses
A space beyond all time
But it's not life y o u ' r e w i n n i n g
' C a u s e s m a c k ' s come crashing d o w n .
We w o r k like slaves
To keep it going
We live and breed in it
This e x p e r i m e n t life
Pearson
Pain clouds consciousness
Meaning fade dream
The TV blares mindlessly and endlessly
to the abandoned world
The bird watches silently from its cage
up in the corner
The boy sits up in the boat to see the
fading shore
is to be one
oneself
m u s t live on
the shelf
The Dreamer
I've been with you girl,
So vacant, you left me
You forgot me, I'm sure
In the kitchen
Under the table...
The shape of your stomach
Touching you, touching your face
Slapping, stroking me
•..•iii , . l : k , ' . ;
N o hero in the heroin
You've closed y o u r eyes
You've g o n e within
Your lifelights gone
Your b o d y ' s d e a d
T h e r e ' s nothing left but the fear in
your head
^lA
And
So w o r r y not of d a r k d a y s
Its s y m p t o m s only foar
The threat lies in your o w n m i n d
As visions fade to clear
BrettBadger
- • - - • • • ^ - • > - > ^ r
-.Ii-.iv.K^:-
The darkness in the kitchen
Tearing off your dark clothes
Feeling your fullness
So ripe for me
Ride on, ride on...
Screaming at me,
Your sick pathetic smile
In the car
And the way you fit girl
1 miss her sometimes
And if I saw you now,
I'd hit you bitch.
I miss her sometimes,
But does that really mean anything?
Claire
Wien looking into the abyss, make sure the abyss is not looking back at you - Anon
WilUhire
page 33
Your comprehensive guide to a social
ACTIVITIES
CLUBS AND
SOCIETIES
Philharmonic Society
Rehearsal Camp
17- 19 April
Ph Crystal 9544 2090
Chong Hua
Food Fair and Chinese Cultural
Exhihition
18 April
Ph Alan 9544 6171
MESS
MESS Ball
22 April
Ph MESS office 9905 1584
Choral Society
Comedy Festival performance
with Scared Weird Little Guys
25 April, 5 pm & 8 pm
Melbourne Town Hall
$21.50 students
Ph Anneliesc 9836 0683
SAS
SAS Ball
30 April
Ph SAS office 9905 9228
SCA
Medieval Feast
2 May
Glcnferrie Masonic Hall
$15 Students, $17 others
Ph Sharon 9723 2074
Philharmonic Society
Concert
16 May
Glen Waverly Anglican Church
Ph Crystal 9544 2090
IIAEL
PERrORJWlNG
ARTS
STUDENT THEATRE
Melbourne Symphony
Orchestra
12 April, 8pm
Conductor: Markus Stenz
Soprano: Yvonne Kenny
WAGNER Siegfried Idyll
HAYDN Symphony No.7 le
Midi
MAHLER Symphony No.4
Bookings; 9905-3108
ALEXANDER THEATRE
Gangster Apparel
7 May, 8 pm
$17 Adult, $14 Cone
$12 Student (Single Ticket
Price)
Rishile Gumboot Dancers in
Emzani Down South Africa
1 9 - 2 3 May
8 pm (Sat 8.30 pm)
20 May 1 pm
23 May 4 pm
$36 Adult, $27 Cone, $20
Child
Miracles
9 - 13 June
8 pm (Sat 8:30 pm)
10 June 1 pm
13 June 4 pm
$36 Adult, $27 Cone, $20
Child
DISABILITY
AWARENESS
WEEK
ROBERT BEACKWOOD
Comedy Week
20 - 24 April
Co-hosted by Activities and
Comedy Clubbers
Ph Jo Marshall 9598 3953
Campus Games
9 April
Co-hosted by Activities and
faculty clubs.
Adult; $44 (A Res),
$35 (B Res), $22 (C Res)
Student; $22 (A Res),
$18 (B Res), $13 (C Res)
Musica Viva
Jerusalem Trio
23 April, 8 pm
Roy Shiloah, violin
Ariel Tushinsky, cello
Yaron Rosenthal, piano
$32 Adults, $26 Monash Staff
$20 Students
Goldner String Quartet
4 June, 8 pm
Dene Olding, violin
Dimity Hall, violin
Irina Morozova, viola
Julian Smiles, cello
$32 Adult, $26 Monash Staff
$20 Students
PROGRAM
MoN 20™ APRIL
3pm - Launch of the Monash
University Disability Action
Plan and formal Opening of
Disability Awareness Week by
the Vice Chancellor, Professor
David Robinson.
TuE,s21sT APRIL
lOam-lpm - Job Seekers with
Disabilities - What do you
need to know?
Seminar and discu.ssion with
Careers Advisers from
MONSEACS. and staff from
Commonwealth Rehabilitation
Services and the Disability
Liaison Office (DLO) at
Monash University FREE at the
Elizabeth Burchill Room.
Please RSVP to the DLO on
9905 5704
12pm - Free Lunch hosted by
the Student association
1.15pm - Great Access
Challenge
On again this year with a
difference! Inter campus teams
test their skills at navigating the
campus whilst assuming a
temporary disability. Prizes
galore: $2CX) first prize, teams
of up to five people,
Application forms from the
Union Info Desk or the DLO.
THURS 23RL) APRIL
12-2pm - Meet the Library
Disability Services Officer for
a conducted tour through the
Resource Rooms for people
with disabilities in the Main
library.
Ipm-Me Deaf, You
Understand?
A presentation and theatrical
performance giving a personal
account of growing up deaf.
Free at the Small Stage, Level
I, Union Foyer.
AEL WEEK
WED 22ND APRIL
12pm - Melbourne Tigers VS
Wheelie Basketballers
Demonstration match. Market
area outside Union building.
Displays
COMPETITION
"Famous Faces" with $50 prize
HOLOCAUST AWARENESS WEEK
April 20 - 24
Memorial Service to be held in Robert Blackwood Hall
April 23rd, 1:00pm
Presented by MonJSS
life.
the comedy festival
april
1-26
It's finally that time of the year again, when hordes of people flock to the town
hall - for reasons other than municipal. TTie Twelfth Melbourne International
Comedy Festival launches itself on Tuesday March 31 st, with 'The Comedy
Gala', and maintains momentum for the next month.
Each year the festival draws out our local talent, as well as acts from all around
the world. This year the international line-up includes Julian Clary, Rich Fulcher,
Sean Hughes, Jenny Eclair and The Three Canadians and we maintain our
favourites of the home grown variety with Judith Lucy, Greg Fleet, Matt King
and Merrick and Rosso, just to name a few.
A guide to the Comedy Festival...
The first thing to do when approaching the festival time is to familiarise yourself
with the festival guide (available from most cafes, cinemas etc.). It is important
to know what shows are on this year, even if this information is only to be used
in conversation during April. The next thing to do is to work out what shows you
would like to see - if they're looking costly, don't even think twice, it's a worthwhile
investment. A live show is better than cinema and look at your stomach, you
don't really need dinner every night. Alternatively, you could track down the
freebies. There are always a couple of free events during the festival and free
tickets circulating (if you know where to find them). For instance Lot's is one
source of tickets (read on), as are Seaf and radio stations.
The second aspect of the comedy festival is, of course, the night life. I've never
come across a group of people far more willing to party on and have fun than
comedians - well perhaps unl students and the festival can provide this fun for
you. Trades Hall, a new venue to the festival last year, is not only home to more
than ten big shows, but a very vibey bar. However, nothing can surpass the
atmosphere of the Town Hall which promises forty-two different shows and
houses one of the best night spots for the duration of the festival. After a show,
or even just for a night out, you can relax in the Peter Cook Memorial Bar and
mingle with the stars of the shows. At this point the night is just beginning...
eleven o'clock rolls around and the infamous Festival Club opens, hidden away
in the basement of the Town Hall. Every Thursday, Friday and Saturday there
are lots of comedians on stage, heaps of alcohol, more mingling with the
comedians and great music from The Gladflys. Open until very, very late, The
Festival Club manages to capture the exact feeling of the comedy festival - it's
all about fun, laughter and good times.
Get out there and see as much comedy as you can handle...
4ireq fleet
At the comedy festival this year, Greg Fleet knows
what his show is not going to be about. It's going to
be about himself, modern life, and perhaps have
something about the illegality of comedy. Perhaps it
might even have a little something about The Dukes
of Hazard. For Greg, the Adelaide and Edinborough
festivals are equally rewarding ... however, he warns,
out of festival time, 'Go to Adelaide if you want to get
murdered in a really weird way'.
The ideas for Greg's show this year might be part of
the conversation that he and Asha pursued during
our interview, when commenting on interruption during
television programming.
Asha: It was like the beginning of the Gulf war when
they interrupted the Dukes of Hazard.
Greg-. I so hate the Dukes of Hazard .
Asha: I loved it.
Greg: It was one of my all time most hated TV shows.
Asha: No, no that car, and getting in through the
window....
Pip: I don't think I've ever seen it (very left out of
conversation).
Asha: Ohhhh, you're joking.
Greg: Ohhh it's really bad, it's so bad - didn't they
start making a new one recently, I think they did,
except Boss Hog's dead.
Thffrc is no Dana... only Zhul
Greg. No....hmmmm... it's about Dukes of Hazard.
Greg (beginning to think pensively about the content
of his show): I'm starting to think that there might be
some part of my show where I get the audience to
ask questions, but then the problem is for every really
good thing you get some really dumb comments like
l e l l us about your dick". It's generally a bad thing...
actually I'm not going to do that anymore...
Asha: So we can print that it's definitely not about
Dukes of Hazard?
Greg. In fact I might make a reference to Dukes of
Hazard just for your sake.
Heckling seems to be part of the territory for a comic,
and Greg seems to have had his fair share;
Greg. How can you make a show that is socially
acceptable to everyone? There'll be someone who
says, "don't do jokes about newspapers because a
stack of newspapers fell over and killed my sister".
PifX There's always those freak accidents.
Asha: Especially in Adelaide.
Greg. Yeah, but they're not accidents, somebody
pushed those newspapers.
Asha: And the sausage dog!
Greg leaves us with 'I'm not worried about my show
Greg. Yeah, they had that weird daschund.
yet...' But Asha and I are sure that he will impress us
Asha: Anyway, I guess we can't really ask you about all once again this year. Don't miss it!
your show.
Pip Hughes
page 35
mait king^
Matt King emerged onto the comedy scene in 1993 with his first show "Blimey",
an entertaining monologue exploring a few home truths about growing up on
the fringes of London. So successful was the style and
content of the show that it later became the inspiration for
the ABC series "Smallest Room in the House".
Since then Matt has been involved in a number of shows,
including "New Joke City" with Greg Fleet and "Slippers"
with Marty Sheergold and Bob Franklin. He also has a
monthly spot on IMT, but don't let that scare you off. As
Matt said himself, "I'm not the show, I'm me on the show
and I don't compromise what I do". Matt has also recently
finished his first feature film, yet, it is his solo shows to look
out for. "Blimey" was a sell out across Australia and
Overseas, despite Matt being a relatively new face.
"Beastly", his second show has received similar acclaim at
the recent Fringe Festival with all twenty-one shows selling
out.
"Beastly" is basically Matt's ode to the animal kingdom. He
follows our animal friends and our relationships with them,
from the dawn of time right up to the present. When I asked him about the
inspiration for the show he told me 'I've always been an animal lover, constantly
fascinated with wild life documentaries, and asking questions such as "why
don't we see goldfish in the wild, and what are those bizarre
chuppa chup like things on top of Giraffe's heads?"'
"Beastly" differs completely from any of Matt's other shows.
Moving away from traditional stand up comedy he
incorporates a number of different elements including
theatre, sound effects, sexy lighting, music and movement.
As Matt said, it's more than just a comedy show it's a
"theatrical experience".
"Beastly" is playing from the 2 April - 26 April at the
Melbourne Town Hall. I urge you to go along and see how
Matt explains why we kill whales and then listen to their
cries to relax.
Yas Green
We have four double passes to his show on Sunday 12^
April.The first four people to come up to the Lot's office on
Thursday 9^ April, at 10:00am with their best stuffed beast (soft toy) will each
win a double pass.
the gorskys
the artists formally bimfn as the toasted narshmailows
Chatting with the group - Llam Cody, Jo Stanley
and Chris Tomkins - 1 discovered how their show
came about and I was able to ascertain a few
pointers for present Monash students.
acts because we'd just stop and start writing in the
middle of them - well I found that".
Jo confesses, "I get my ideas in the shower".
"Jo is the cleanest Gorsky", Liam replies.
The show is titled 'Unnatural Love', so I guessed
that it, in fact, had something to do with love. I
asked the group ... Jo begins, "It's about a love
that we share amongst ourselves", "That's why
its unnatural", Chris follows up. Liam explains
"we've been inspired by stuff for years - we wanted
to do some old stuff as well as something new.
We looked at our songs and we realised that a lot
of them were about love, and about sex and death,
and murder and mutilation and Robert
Dipierdomenico, and well there's the show."
Being old Monash students, their advice is
good...Live fast, die young, have a good-looking
corpse. If you can't do that you're probably ugly. Feel
good about going to Monash, there are a lot worse
places to be. There's life after Monash, but it is not
as good. Keep your chin up, there is better
architecture out there. Keep your chin up when you
eat fast - you don't choke as much that way. Be proud
of Green Week. Get into Green Week because you
don't know how quickly it's all over. Well it's a week
actually. Don't drink the bong water, but do drink the
green cordial. Don't vote for Jeff Kennett, unless you
actually think he's the best candidate, in which case
vote for Jeff because it's a free world. The friends
you make at uni are very important. Don't become
sentimental. And trust me on the architecture.
Asha Holmes
In explaining alxiut their varying humour Jo began,
"Liam has no idea - that's a problem".
In defence, Liam adds "It's interesting that you
think I have no idea because I've done a survey
and seven out of ten people reckon that you don't
have any idea. It wasn't a very big survey - it was
me, and what's weird is that three of the times I
thought 'she does have an idea'".
Jo reconsiders ..."See he does have an idea".
The Gorskys explain that a lot their ideas come In the middle of really bad sex
acts. Chris then contemplated that "it's possible that they were really bad sex
page 36
The Gorskys are on at the Up Top Bar, 163 Russell
Street, 8pm Thursdays in April (2,9,16 and 23).We
have two double passes to give away for their show
on Thursday April 16 - and all you have to do is
name the person in the black t-shirt above the 'n' in the edition 2 frenzies spread..
Freudian slip where you say one thing and mean a mother.
The Three Candadians
This year The Three Canadians are playing at the Athenaeum. They are
presenting their second episode of 'The Flat', an improvised scripted dialogue.
This is their fourth comedy festival and most probably their last. With five years
on the circuit, Eric feels that they are beginning a transitional period, becoming
more satisfied and more comfortable with their status; 'we want to build a studio,
get some cameras, and film some independent sitcoms, like Ani Di Franco. We
have decent comedy skills, I don't believe that I'm one of the greatest comics
ever, but I'm full of energy and gumption to get things together'. To Eric the
festival creates a more receptive audience, 'more people see you at the festival
rather than outside of it, it's almost as if it's less risky, its a weird sort of psychology,
everyone wants to go to the same place in a more easy going atmosphere'.
Greg Fleet (interjecting): I reckon it was Lenny Bruce, nahhhh.l reckon it was
one of the three wise men, the one who brought myrth. It's like who invented
tragedy? As soon as one exists the other exists, they each define each other,
like good and bad. You couldn't have good if the consequent bad didn't exist.
Eric. "Just to wrap it up, cause I'm going to leave you guys, my show is about
three guys opening a restaurant and they discover that they're all retarded, but
just watch because the stupid one is the one in charge!!!!"
Pip Hughes
Audience involvement is important to their work, however sometimes weird
and wacky involvement arises. This is summarised by Eric as the X-Factor,
'you never know what's going to happen'.
Eric feels that 'in Australia there is a much stronger community revolving around
entertainment, a bit of protectionism is involved'. To Eric the defining thing about
Australians is their willingness to laugh, 'I can busk on the street, tell Australians
to get fucked and they'll love me. In Canada if you tell the audience to get
fucked, they'll fucking lynch you out of town, they are very conservative and
very religious'.
Eric: Who invented Comedy God or the Devil? Most preachers tell me the Devil,
most ferals tell me God. Or do you think it's just an element, fire, earth, wind,
comedy?
iotoof freebies...
Franklyn Ajaye
We have 5 dbl passes to see this great mix of music and comedy at the Trades Hall, Sunday
12. 9.30pm
Alan Glover
If your up lor a humourous look at the environment pick up one of 5 dW passes for Sunday 12,
8.15pm at Trades Hall.
'
The Brownies
This Halaiious N.Z group is out for a short time only 5 Dbl passes for Friday 10, 10pm at The
Star and Garter Hotel.
Hung Le
See nim tell his epic story about moving from Vietnam and his recent return visit We have 5
dbl passes, for the 1 Zth at the Town Hall.
James O'Loghlin
in Lawyer, Lawyer' is a funny look at the world of law. We have 3 dbl passes for Tuesday 12,
8.30 at the Town Hall.
Sean Hughes
One of the favourite international acts returns this year with yet another great show. We have
5 dbl passes to give away for Sunday 12th, at the Town Hall. Just come up here and tell us
what the name of his television show was.
4lait
1996 Fringe Comedy Award winners Jodie J Hill (Recovery)
and Jo Stanley (The Gorskys) are hitting the town with the
show that brought them success in the 1997 Fringe Festival.
"It's got four undulating levels, it's bright pink and tangerine.
It's so bright that when you've been in there for a long time
the rest of the world looks really grey," Jo continues.
The show's about the who, what, where, how and why of
the 90s, while providing a documentary of their friendship.
"It's sort of a story of Jodie and my friendship - well, it began
that way. It's a comment on being young, directionless,
dateless, poor... basically we're describing our lives, which
is pretty much the life of all young people", Jo explains. At
this point Jodie 'fesses up that she would like to thank their
sponsors "the DSS and Cash Converters". Back on track, I
found out how Bait uncovers the story "it uses standup,
film, sketches and songs". "We've also got a pianist", Jodie
tells me, "I just like saying that because it sounds like penis".
I asked them what it was like to be women in comedy. Jo
and Jodie couldn't decide "maybe it's easier to stand out,
but it's probably easier to fall down." Jo reckons, "there
are also things that women aren't supposed to say,
sometimes people get shocked. In the long run it just comes
down to good comedy, gender really shouldn't make a
difference".
Bait is performed in an alternative venue to that of the main
shows. In fact they are performing at Lure on Smith St, a
hair dressing salon. So what is Lure like? Jodie answers
with "it sort of looks like something from a D'lite video clip".
So how do they see themselves? Well they're definitely
not a duo - they took great offence to that. "We're kind of
just woricing together, we're writing partners" Jo said. Jodie
follows up with "We're Hill and Stanley and we're here to
stay!"
Asha Holmes
page 37
Seared Weird Little G«y&
Sitting down to talk to John Fleming, the taller one of the two Scaredies, I
discovered that they had gone classical. This year at the Comedy Festival
John and Rusty will perform on stage with the assistance of the Malvern
Symphony Orchestra, and an amalgamation of Monash University and
Melbourne University Choral Societies. The show is properly titled 'Score',
and it all stems from an idea that came to them a few months ago. The
Scaredies have been mulling over the idea of pairing their duo with a band
for a while now, and when a couple of people suggested that they could
incorporate an orchestra into the show, they began to think.
Taking to the idea swiftly, John and Rusty thought it would be a good send-up
of the Elton John style performances occurring at the moment, and becoming
an increasingly scary trend. But since then, the music has all come together
and they believe it is simply a very good musical performance. Score is
extremely divergent from anything the Scaredies have done before. They
are performing their known songs with full orchestral arrangement. And who
has written the scores? The Scared Weird Little Guys themselves. John
Fleming took this task and after a month or two of fairly solid work, the
arrangements were completed. You'll see a number of old Scaredies songs
as welt as a heap of new ones - all with full orchestral accompaniment.
They then faced some big rehearsals - and one of the toughest things they
experienced was to get the orchestra to be as spontaneous as them. They
are even attempting an audience participation section, in which the orchestra,
the choir and themselves have to completely improvise a song - in the theme
that an audience member suggests.
Asha Holmes
Rieli Fuleiier
tertained the Edinburgh Festival for the last three years, including twice with
Modern Problems and last year brought his own solo act to the stage. Rich
described the Edinburgh Festival as 'a War of Attrition', a non-stop party where,
by the end no one has a voice left.
Modem Problems in Science was a character-based show featuring other names
including Greg Proops, Bill Bailey, Phil Kay and Sean Cullen, who Rich feels
are probably the best group he's ever worked with. The show dealt with a group
of professors, conducting a "lecture", who took any topic from the audience and
found an entertaining explanation for it. His current project is a new series for
Paramount Television titled Unnatural Acts. It is an on location sketch comedy
and Rich is one of the core writers and performers. Rich considers himself a
definite Monty Python fan, and describes them as his main influence, especially for this latest project.
Rich Fulcher, best known for his work in Modern Problems in Science, is an
interesting character. Prior to this interview I had never heard of him, but in the
field of comedy this guy is as good as they come. He began his career as a
leading member of The Second City, the prestigious theatre where the likes of
Bill Munray, John Candy and Mike Myers all began their careers. Rich has en-
And so I asked him if he'd been to Australia before he answered Teah I played
in Adelaide last year... but don't tell anyone."
Rich Fulcher appears at the Melbourne Town Hall from April P' to 19^.
Aaron Drew
Lynda Gibseit
We've seen her in such things as 'The Big Gig', 'Let the Blood Run Free' and
most recently in the intelligent parody of current affairs, 'Frontline'. Lynda is
going to be starring in her own show titled "She'll Be Right". And trust me, I
hope she'll be right, because when I spoke to Lynda she was still in the 'creative
process' of writing this little ditty.
Beginning at the age of five by writing her Academy Award acceptance speech,
Lynda's work has blossomed. She was supposed to be an actor but inevitably
fell into comedy, courtesy of the Murray River Performance Group in Albury,
and has never looked back. Lynda describes her work on 'The Big Gig' as a
learning curve, which was especially dangerous through being live to air for one
whole hour! Presently, Lynda is working on a sitcom called 'House Gang', which
deals with disabled characters and will be screening on the SBS.
I discovered that Lynda has been fervently studying Australian icons such as
the esky, the wine cask, the ute, and not to mention truck loads of rock hits from
the fifties to the nineties. These are intended to provide 'weird juxtapositions' of
Australian conservative and radical lifestyles and more importantly, political
observations. Lynda is going to be taking her audience through the events, both
political and private, which have shaped her life, with the help of fellow comedian,
Russell Fletcher.
Lynda maintains that all up and coming comedians (note the Monash Comedy
competition during Comedy Week) should only aspire to the comedy industry if
they have a day job, and of course, should not use anyone else's jokes. She
has been given the insulting title (she said it!) of "Melbourne's Godmother of
standup" by some tosser at the Melbourne Times, when really, Lynda is a funny
lady who is worth watching.
Lou Cooper
page 38
When someone's behind you ivith a machete it's hard t o step back & see the whole picture
•:^,* i*iW";-"fes:'WS-r,ff^i!.i.»a
IMftHI V tit Mitlt
Everyday we are met with the propaganda of the Empire. Mistakenly, we who are
lorded over, believe that it is the United Stales who use the most powerful tool of
Ihc 20lh Century (and beyond), the cinema. Much more insidious plans have been
put into play. It is not merely Americans who perpetuate this imperialism, but a
hidden community of leaders, that we know as Hollywood. These people, veiled by
the 'industry' that is film,
promote the great US of
A, and their figurehead,
to maintain their position
as omnipolent throughout
the world. Lords of the
Empire.
This phenomenon can be
seen as far back as 1960's
when there was an obvious power grab for the industry, al the expense of
European and Australian
industry. The ground
work was being set for
supremacy. We can now
see that It is not 'Bawdy'
Billy Clinton who is the
head conspirator of this
exploit; oh no, he is
merely a vehicle for the
real power brokers.
The film, Airforce One is
just one example of this
Hollywood imperialism
at work. This film manufactures an enemy of the defunct USSR, to inspire the paranoia of the Cold War, the
'Reds under the bed' mentality, that required the world to cower at the feet of their
illustrious -savour, the USA. So overtly, they pummel us with blatant propaganda,
scare tactics, though rather than the Secret Police bashing us into compliance, it is
the reminder that we need our 'White Knight' to save us from the evils of the world,
just as they did in WWII.
No, the examples of propaganda do not stop there. The conspirators are constantly
churning out material to make us glad we are subordinates in their dominion. Independence Day, while not digging up the paranoia of a vanquished foe, draws upon
our fear of the unknown. Hideous creatures that will kill you as soon as look at you,
invading not only us colonies, but an even more sickening thought, may even desecrate the Mecca, the motherland, Hollywood. No fear though, instead of fleeing to
his private bunker with some tequila, and a female member of his junior staff, the
President (our figurehead), will take to battle, and save all of the Empire's minions.
And we, in abounding gratitude, will all assemble on the Sydney Harbour Bridge
and wave.
Good thinking, NInety-nInd
It seems though, at times these figureheads may become too secure in their positions, perhaps gaining the perception that Ihcy, as democratic leaders, should hold
some power. Apparent now, arc the disciplinary measures from above. Is it by
accident that the details of the President's sexual relations become public? I think
not.
Castigation is now evident with 'coincrdaC
releases such as Wa^
the Dof>, which holds as
its subject matter the
details of a Presidential
scandal, and a war that
was created to incite
electoral support. This,
coupled with the recent
aggression towards
Iraq, does not require a
Rhodes scholar to find
some comparison, it
seems now that poor
old Billy has either
come to the end of his
use, or, though a much
more absurd theory, has
decided that he should
lead.
There arc further examples of the cloaked
leaders sending a clear
message of warning to
their titular leader. Primary Colours represents an undeniable correlation between the President's 'alleged' sexual indiscretions of his past career, and Monica Lewinsky. The similarities: the lead, John Travolta looks just like Clinton and he plays a governor from a
small state, with a past, vying for Presidency. A little to blatant, even for the land
of sledgehammer. Just as was the case with Wag the Dog, Primary Colours makes
it abundantly clear thai the President is being taught a lesson.
So,just like Bill, we will play out our impotent lives, under the pretence of being
'masters of our own destiny', sitting in our homes viewing videos or attending the
cinema, in wait for the next command from the Empire.
Degrassi
Quiz
1) What instrument did Nancy Kraimer play in the band?
2)
Name the members of Zit Remedy (The Zits)?
3)
Complete the line in Zit Remedy's only .song. 'Everybody wants something. They'11 lake your money
and...!'
4)
Which character had an abusive boyfriend in high school, named Scott?
5)
'What was the name of Lucy's boyfriend's friend? Hint: It's also part of a car.
6)
Name the pet egg that Spike and Shane were minding in preparation for parenthood?
7)
Complete this taunt directed at a promiscuous School President. 'All the way with ...'
8)
What was Luke really selling as a substitute for 'drugs'?
9)
What was printed on Joey's windcheater, which he wore to the School Dance with Kaitlin as his dale':
10) Who did Lucy 'make-over', by applying excessive foundation and eye shadow? This character also
contracted cancer.
11) What pattern was on Tim's favourite T-shirt?
12) Why was Mclanie reluctant to be in the swimming team?
13) Who was the Principal of Degrassi Junior High?
14) What was printed on the back of Nancy's Bugs Bunny T-shirt?
15) At Simon and Alexis" wedding, in the Degrassi mo\\c. School's Out, what had happened to Simon's
hair?
Well, I have to say, for once I am not at a total loss as lo
why ceitain people won their Oscars. Best supporting
actor and actress went to Robin Williams (Good Will
Hunting) and Kim Basinger (LA Confidential). These
two actors showed some of the most sincere responses
to the announcement of their win that I have ever seen.
Best Original Screenplay went to the dynamic duo that is
taking over Hollywood - Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
They broke into a Cuba Gooding Jnr-esque routine when
receiving the award for Good Will Hunting. The other
big awards were; Best Actor Jack Nicholson (As Good
As It Gets), Best Actress Helen Hunt (As Good As It
Gets), Best Director James Cameron (Titanic) and Best
Film Titanic. This was Jack Nicholson's third Academy
Award and Titanic equaled Ben Hur for the largest number of Oscars ever won. Many will argue that Titanic
doesn't deserve that many, but it mu.st be remembered
that many of them were based on technical merit.
You may be interested to know why it was that Celine
Dion, and not the star of Titanic, Kate Winslet, wore the
'heart of the ocean' (the necklace from the film). The
reason is that the owners of the necklace thought that
Kate looked too fat and was a bit of a slob (yeah, because waify, head-too-big-for her-body Celine is so attractive!).
Although Leonardo DiCaprio was not at the Oscars the
other night (because he didn't receive a nomination) his
latest film has achieved the impossible. The Man in the
Iron Mask, took the same amount of money as Titanic
did in its first weekend of release - a measly US$ 16 million.
Jtmmimtg tmm
€ULT MOVIE
OfTHB
In other news, those X-Files fans who pine for David
Duchovny every episode are in for a reality check as his
wife, TeaLeoni, is set to join the show. It's all about connections!
AAAMlAi^MJS^mMMMmi
Stand by Me
Starring: Wil Wheaton and River Phoenix
Based on Stephen King's, The Body, the story revolves around the tale of four twelve-year old boys who
steal away on an adventure to find a dead body. Narrated through voice-over by one of the group who
has now grown-up, the film lakes a nostalgic look at growing up in small town America in the early sixties.
His memories of their conversations, fights, tears, jokes, and adventures (a near escape from castration at
the jaws of Chopper, a harrowing experience with leeches, almost getting run-down by a train, and the
confrontation with Eye Ball Chamber's gang) makes for compelling adolescent drama. The revelation of
the recent death of one of the friends adds a touch of poignancy.
Aside from these emotional explorations, the film is more than worthy of cull-status as such scenes as
Gordie's story of Lard Arse's Barfarama, the infamous 'leeches hanging from his balls' segment, and
Gordie's, 'Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood' quote, have gone down in adolescent cult-nim
history.
There is set to be a marriage on the final episode of
Friends currently showing in America (that is one and a
half seasons away for us). So the question is who is, it
going to be? My inoney is on Ross and Rachel - there is
just too much sexual tension still. Then again, it could be
Monica and Chandler or Joey and Phoebe, because we
all know they are just going to end up pairing off any way.
The Spice Girls are rumored to have recruited a new
member whilst touring in New Zealand. She is to be
known as 'Mystery Spice' and is said to be taking over
Ginger Spice's spot when she retires (thank God!).
Fiona Clark
page 40
Claire Hammond
Does anyone really wear clean underwear in case they're run over?
sauoiiUkUjM
^
STEREOPHONICS
Being the first band to sign to a new major label is usually a big deal, but when
Richard Branson phones and personally asks if you'd like to be the first signing to
his new record label V2, it's a very big thing indeed. Welsh trio Stereophonies were
the band with the talent and luck to be that first signing and have not only released
one of the best debut albums in recent times, but have become the flagship of the
fledgling V2 label. On the eve of their first ever Australian tour, drummer Stuart
Cable talked to Lot's Wife about the world of the Stereophonies.
Lol's Wife: What has influenced the music of the Stereophonies?
Stuart Cable: We grew up
listening
to
AC/DC,
Creedence
Clearwater
Revival, Neil Young, Bob
Dylan, Counting Crows, Ben
Folds Five; anyone that wrote
good songs really. Influences
from the Beatles to The Who.
really typical British stuff
LW: We've read that you've
done some tours with the likes
of Skunk Anansie and The
Who.
SC: Yeah, we'd only been
signed for about eight months
and we got offered to support
The Who for two nights in
front of about 20,00() people.
It was a buzz actually, it was
pretty good.
LW: Being a Welsh band, is
there much room for bands to
get out?
SC: Yeah, there are alot of
bands coming from Wales,
we've got the Manic Street Preachers, Catatonia, Super Furry Animals, 60 Ft
Dolls, its turned into a bit of a scene in Wales at the moment, I just hope the bands
stick around and keep on making albums keeping Wales on the map.
All the members of Stereophonies actually grew up on the same street in their small
town of Cwmaman (pronounced Cmaman, without the 'w') and have on many
occasions been compared to the Manic Street Preachers, though this hasn't stopped
the band picking up their fair share of accolades.
LW: How were the Brit Awards? I believe you got the award for "Best Newcomer".
SC: It was a shock, a big shock. To be honest I didn't think we would win it, I
thought the All Saints would get it because they're very very popular in Britain. But
it really came down to the people who were voting over the phone, and I think that's
what won it for us, because I think we've got a more mature audience than the All
Saints have got. We had to sit there for about two minutes and kinda say "Shit, did
he say our name!"
But the Stereophonies aren't going to rest on their laurels at this time.
SC: We've been writing some more songs while we've been on lour, and it's going
great actually. We've got about nine or ten songs finished, so we go back in the
studio In May for five weeks to record the next album.
We finish the Australian tour and have a week off and then head into (he studio.
We've been on the road for a year so we really want to head back into the .studio.
The Stereophonies album "Word Gets Around" has already stormed over Wales
and the UK attacking the charts with a force unknown to a debut album. Their very
first single 'Local Boy in the
Photograph' .sold out in every
Wel.sh record shop within a
mater of hours. At the present
lime (he album comes with a
bonus six track acoustic E.P.
LW: Is the E.P jusl an Australia
only thing, or is it released
everywhere?
SC: No, its actually limited
edition, but its released in
every country. I think (here
were about .3000 released in
England, but il is a thing for
the collectors.
LW: Where did you actually
record it, was it done live or
in the studio?
SC: It was recorded in Wales
actually, in Newport, we just
kinda sailed up and picked a
few songs, went for Ihem and
they ended up on the record.
It was something different, and
we always liked acoustic
bands and the other side of music and it was nice of us to do as well actually.
LW: So when are you actually due out in Australia?
SC: We'll be out on the first [April] its going to be outfirsttime out in Australia and
we're looking forward to it actually.
LW: We can't wait to see you down in Melbourne.
SC: Looking forward to it.
The Stereophonies are on tour around Australia now, and play the Central Club on
Thursday the 9lh and also the Offshore festival on the lOth. Their debut album
'Word Gets Round' is released locally on V2 records.
Interview: Aaron Drew
Article: Anthony Brasher
page 41
C:
died pretty
• •
Died Pretty
Using my gills as a roadmap
This latest effort from Melbourne five
piece Died pretty is a good display at
what they do besl; five minute songs,
explorations of great riffs... over and
over. If you like getting as bored as
hatshil to music thai revolves around a
single line, this is for you. Me personally. I tend to prefer music that has
something else to offer, a chorus for
example, the odd bridge... that kind of
thing.
I do give it to them for their production and sound quality. This appears to
be a plus for this album which has not
much more to offer except for some
good use of feedback and guitar technique. But there isn't much depth to the
music, with only limited exploration of
the songs. Highlights are deHnilcly the
song "Radio" (Yes this song actually
features some of those things previously mentioned), and the interesting
feedback opening to the album with
"Slide Song".
I think the most interesting thing about
this album would be its title. To me,
this appears to be the only thought provoking thing on it. The cover art is the
.same picture of... well 1 can't tell, but
it's all over the album all the same.
Basically Died Pretty are... 'the band
that never ends... they go on and on iny
friends...'
Aaron Drew
• • • •
The Dandy Warholes
...The Dandy Warholes Come
Down
The full beauty of this album is in the
first singles. "Who would have thought
that an American indie band with a
dodgy name could produce a lo-ll album with such an original slant. The
retro sounds are delightful and soine
of the almost-dance beats put these
.songs into the 'potential classic' category.
A Macedonian Goddess
Various Artists
Wonder from a quarter
acre.
This is a compilation from Au Go Go,
featuring music from various artists
including
Melbourne's
The
Avalanches. Other artists include the
Golden Lifestyle Band, and the Sea
Scouts.
The first single, "Not if You Were the
Last Junkie on Earth", became an instant lave. The lyrics are witty and pertinent, the beat enticing and the continuing trend of Casio-sound-keyboards present again. The video for this
song was visually stunning and at the
same lime extremely clever. Fronlman
Courtney Taylor can be described no
othcrway than having 'the look', while
keyboardist Zia McCabc has become
an instant .sex symbol with her indie
perkine.ss and bounce.
Much of the album is easy listening
noise explosions, easy beats and ear
friendly rhythms. Bands like S-Bahn,
who consider themselves to be a
"iwisled-melodic-slow- chaotic- noisepop", provide a Pavement-esque noise
explosion with their tracks Lake of Fur
and Down on Broadway, while the 2
Litre Dolby and the Art of Fighting
give some well-worded music in the
realm of bands like Something for
Kate with more of a relaxed approach.
El Mopa's contributions are mellow,
in thorough contrast to Sphyzcin who
produce their own brand of hard pop
rock.
The subsequent singles "Boys Better"
and "Everyday Should Be A Holiday",
have conl'irmcd the guitar-synth talent
of this exciting four-piece. "Boys Better" is being Hogged currently on national alternative radio, while "Everyday Should Be A Holiday" combines
stunning retro sounds with an undeniable dance beat and sweet harmonies.
The Avalanches are probably the main
feature of this compilation. Their two
tracks, "Under Sea Community", which
is on high rotation around JJJ of late,
and "Yamaha Superstar", were both
recorded with vocalist Katsumi - two
days before his visa ran out. This has
not hampered this band, which have
now recorded a new EP El Prodiiclo.
All in all this a most impressive album,
with musical brilliance and lyrical insight, and if any of the singles have
grabbed you thus far, this is one album
which is sure not to disappoint. Let's
hope that this album is indicative of a
bright future for a band with unquestionable talent.
Highlight tracks are definitely "Under
Sea Community", "Frida Kahio" from
El Mopa and "Bit" from Sphyzein.
The album is well produced with a
decent mix of styles and genres thus
highlighting Au Go Go's dedication to
local acts.
LMke Oliver
page 42
••-^
Aaron Drew
Children of the Bird Goddess is a startling piece of text for those who know
nothing of the Macedonian struggle or
their migration to Australia earlier this
century. Following four generations of
Macedonian women. Children of the
Bird Goddess explores the devastating
effects that the Ottoman Empire, the
colonization by Greece and the two
World Wars had on a family in Aegean
Macedonia. The eclectic style of the
text is initially a little overwhelming,
as co-author Pandora Petrovska combines Macedonian folk songs, poetry
and myth with her mother's oral history.
Sapurma's tale is an emotive account
of arranged marriages, illegal abductions, alternative wedding ceremonies,
demonic female spirits, intricate funeral
rites and violent death. At points disturbing, Sapurma's story is also very
beautiful as it explains the intrinsic role
ritual plays in Macedonian lifestyle.
Finally, it is a stern wake-up call to
those Australians ignorant of
Macedonia's presence here in Victoria
and the discrimination that is being inflicted upon their Orthodox churches
in Melbourne.
A sobering read. Children of the Bird
Goddess, conveys the pain withstood
by Macedonian women in an isolating
and incredibly difficult world. And yet,
more than that once experienced this
text makes us wonder how we ever
could have not known of such cultural
and emotional struggles.
Rosa Holman
Qraad contains carbohydrates
•••-^
Midnight in the Garden of
Good and Evil
This drawn-out movie, directed by Clint
Eastwood, recounts the tale of conscientious reporter John Kelso (John
Cusack) who is assigned to cover the
exclusive Christmas party held at the
Savannah mansion of Jim Williams
(Kevin Spacey). The plot thickens when
Williams is charged with murder and
Kelso becomes both journalist and private investigator.
The movie touches on many interesting
concepts. Superficially, it depicts the
community's negative altitude towards
homosexuality, whilst attempting to explore difficult concepts such as that of
justice and the relationship between the
living and the dead. Unfortunately, it
treats these complex and largely intangible ideas as easily solved mathematical problems.
Despite definite (Jaws in the plot of this
film, it is saved by the characters. In particular, The Lady Chablis (Chablis
Deveau) an outrageous transvestite who
through her tough facade gives us
glimpses of a vulnerable interior. Jack
Thompson is fantastic as Sonny Seller.
He effectively portrays a professional
with a working class manner. The inclusion of a Hollywood romance between Kelso and the beautiful Mandy
Nicholls (Alison Eastwood), is intellectually insulting and out of sync with the
rest of the film.
•••-^
The Man In The Iron
Mask
Leonardo DiCaprio, Jeremy Irons, John
Malkovich, Gerard Dcpardieu and
Gabriel Byrne - convinced yet? Based
on Alexandre Dumas' classic novel,
Man in the Iron Mask, is a continuation of the classic Three Musketeers
adventures. This one revolves around
the retired musketeers and an evil king,
Louis XIV (DiCaprio). The film opens
with the ascension to the throne by
Louis XIV. Once it is established that
he is a tyrannical leader, it is the three
musketeers who band together to overthrow him.
Irons, Malkovich and Depardieu create
an intere.stingmix as thcirdifferent acting styles blend together well. For all
those DiCaprio tans, this film is a bonus as he plays twin roles. He shows
that he can, at least, hold his ground
amongst these big names of film.
The first half is a little slow and unpolished, but this is a film worth seeing
based on the last thirty minutes alone.
This inconsistency highlights the fact
that this is the directorial debut of
Randall Wallace (screen-writer of
Bravehcart). He didn't seem to get the
most out of his actors until half way
through the film. Even if the story
doesn't appeal to you too much, how
can you pa.ss up the chance to .see all
these actors together in the one production?
Despite various Haws, Midnij^h! in the
Garden of Good and Evil is a well-acted
movie, and without doubt the development and personalities of the characters,
which drive the movie and contribute
significantly to its entertainment value.
Claire Hammond
•••^
In the Company of Men
In till' Cdin/iany of Men succeeds as
both a clever commentary on corporate
America and as a bizarre love-triangle
comedy. Wriler\Director Neil LaBute
weaves these themes together, telling
the story of Chad (Aaron Eckharl) and
Howard (Matt Malloy), two disillusioned corporate climbers who have
recently been dumped by Ihcir respective girlfriends and have been unable
to clinch Ihal elusive promotion. Consequently, Ihcy deviously devise a plan
to .seek revenge on the female population as a whole, whom they perceive as
(he root of their problems.
During their six week posting at a
branch office, they find their perfect
prey, a seemingly vulnerable and deaf
typing assistant named Christine (Stacy
Edwards). In accordance with their
game plan, they both begin to date her
in an effort to woo her love and affection, only to pull the rug from under
her once they have finished Ihcir assignment and can return home. However, il
appears that the once simplistic motive
behind iheircontrasting approaches has
altered significantly and this gives way
to an unexpected turn of events.
Rather than conforming to the tradilional Hollywood finale. In the Company of Men concludes with a disturbing revelation, showcasing this superbly
acted film. This black comedy achieves
its potential through sharp and often
disturbing dialogue, whilsl simultaneously examining the lifestyle of corporate America in the 1990s. In the
Company of Men is an effective film,
worthy of a peek.
Mark Czapnik.
••••
Primary Colours
This film could be about the Clinlons,
but that would be a superficial analysis
of a movie that examines far deeper issues. Admittedly, two of the central
characters. Jack and Susan Stanton, do
resemble Bill and Hilary in a lol of
ways, but Primary Colours is interested
in being far more Ihan a Icll-all TV
movie about the president. Based on the
novel by Anonymous, the film revolves
around the campaign waged by an Arkansas Governor to earn Ihe Democratic candidacy for a federal election.
Along the way, his sexual peccadillos,
.scruples and motivation are also examined. All of this is .seen through the eyes
of young campaign adviser Henry BurIon (Adrian Lester).
Primary Colours allempis lo enlighten
the audience about political morality.
We are privy, not only to the gradual
moral decay of a politician, hut al.so lo
Ihe alarming fact that Jack Slanton is
Ihe best of the bunch. Stanton may not
be able to keep it in his pants, he may
have done stupid things in the past, but
he needs Ui lie about Ihem because he
cares, he believes, and he's miles ahead
of his opponents.
Colours is an intriguing film, faithful
lo Ihe novel, capably executed and terrifically acted. Emma Thompson and
John Travolta arc exceptional as the
Stantons, Billy Bob Thornton makes a
fine Redneck/political genius, Kalhy
Bates also shines and Maura Tierncy
and Larry Hagman both turn in goixl
performances. But this film belongs to
Adrian Lester, a British newcomer,
who's Henry is a fine-tuned, involving
character that holds ihe film together
Chris King
Ronli Sifris
&eer also corrtains carbohydrates, but tt's more fun.
page 43
Aren't conspiracies fun? Though you are probably shit-bored of the word
'conspiracy' and all of its implications right now, you are going to get a dose
of conspiracy, music-style. So there.
••••
Under The Skin
I'm going to start this, by trying (D create a distinction between the words 'entertainment' and 'enjoyment'. Some
films arc made for entertainment: Independence Day, Titanic, and all tho.se
other boring films I didn't bother to go
and see. Other films are made Tor enjoyment, but the dilfcrcnce is that not
everyone enjoys the films classed in
the latter category. Under The Skin is
a film that not cvei^one can enjoy
It tells the story of Iris (Samanlha
Morton), a young woman of 19 who is
left to cope after her mother dies suddenly. Lett without an emotional anchor, she drifts from one casual, sexual
relationship to another, losing her older
sister, her boyfriend and her best friend
along the way. As the film progresses,
the viewer receives the indelible impression that she is searching, for some
sort of touchstone in her life, but is continually let down. .She spirals down,
into a cycle of drink and sex, dressing
up as her mother, to try and eliminate
that particular 'ghost' in her life.
The ending is slightly checse-cakey,
but not exactly wrong for this film. Iris
and Ro.se eventually reconcile, after the
birth of Rose's llrst child, and find that
they truly are 'sisters' thereby starting
anew, with a new person for thein both
to love.
Under The Skin invites you to deal with
a few issues - of women and their sexuality, of women being the 'predator',
of expressing hurt, anger and frustration through meaningless one night
stands. It also looks at the process of
grief, and shows us how sclf-deslructivc we can be. An emotional film, that
will either leave you thoughtful, or
bored.
Alyssa Grant
page 44
Lashing of Whipped
Cream
'Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But whips and chains excite me...'
Or so Lashings of Whipped Cream
would have us believe. In fact, finding
even a .smidgeon of excitement in this
one-woman, two laugh show is as likely
as finding elephants nesting in your
leather boots.
The .sole character is a thirty-year-old
'teenage' bondage mistress (Stephanie
Millar), resplendent in black leather,
who addresses the audience as though
they're prospecfive clients. Once this
hilarity has been appreciated. Mistress
Dominique takes us through the determinedly .sordid details of her life. A
couple of angsl-ridden episodes later
and we perceive the play's Vital Irony:
the whip-cracking, tough-talking
dominatrix wants nothing more than a
hot water bottle and a lot of love. To
add insult to injury (as it were) the acting is excruciating; as over-the-top and
self aware as the 'VCA graduate performer herself
A venerable plethora of music conspiracies exist. For starters, we have the
ones surrounding the Beatles. Some contend that Paul died, and that he
was replaced by a look-and-sound alike. Numerous trivial facts were produced as evidence for this. Look at the cover of Abbey Road, there is a VW
Beatle with a number plate LMW 28IR '28IF' means, apparently, "28 if", as in
Paul would have been 28 IF he was alive at the time of recording. It comes
as little surprise, then, that Paul's lack of foot apparel on the cover means
that he was ready for burial and that John (I think) looked like a preacher.
Then on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's, they stand in front of a hole (for burying),
lots of flowers, and above young Paul's head is an ancient Egyptian symbol
of death (ooh...spooky). If you play "Revolution 9" backwards says "Paul is
dead", at the end of "Strawberry Fields" John clearly says "1 buried Paul" (or
"I'm very poor"), and Paul being the walrus relates to the walrus being yet
another ancient symbol of death.
Let's move on, f^/larilyn Manson is said to have no genitalia, at the same
time, rumour is that he has removed some of his ribs so that he can go down
on himself. Fun, huh? The best by far, however, is that Marilyn was Fred
Savage's best bud Paul in 'The Wonder Years".
How about 27? That's the age that Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison
and Kurt Cobain all died.
This is my personal fave. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon, is completely in synch with "the Wizard of Oz". For example, when the wicked witch
is crushed by the house and the good fairy witch appears. Pink Floyd are
singing "which witch is which".
If you don't believe me, try it. I hear it works.
Do you have any such conspiracies?
Script and acting aside though, the play
isn't really that bad. The variety of
bondage gear is impressive, from the
cat o' nine tails to the full length harness capable (apparently) of suspending .someone from the ceiling. The set
is interesting, but unfortunately Symbolic of the Protagoni.sl: its sleek exterior hides such homely accessories as
an alarm clock and a doughnut-filled
fridge.
Ultimately, the play is worth seeing
(and I say so only because I feel sorry
for its creators). Admire the leather,
enjoy the audience participation (really!), then go home and see if it all
actually works.
Helena Sverdlin
If so, write them down and drop them in, I'll put 'em in me next column
thingie.
Love and kisses,
Luke
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Sport Up Your Life!
Your comprehensive Clubs Training Timetable
If additional information is
required regarding any of ttie
Clubs, please contact the Sports
and Recreation Association
Administration Office or the
Sports Reception Desk.
Alkldo
Tuesdays 5.30 - 7 p m
Common Room
Thursdays 5.30 - 7 pm
filartial Arts Hall
Amis
Tuesdays and Thursdays
7 - 9 , 3 0 pm
Common Room
Badminton
Wednesdays 8 - 1 1 pm
Rec Hall
Wednesdays 9 - 1 1 pm
Fridays 7 - 1 1 pm
Sundays 2 - 6 pm
Stadium
Baseball
Tuesdays 8.30 - 10.30 pm
Rec Hall
Basketball - Women
Mondays 6.30 - 8.30 pm
Tuesdays 6.30 - 8.30 pm
Thursdays 6.30 - 8.30 pm
Saturdays 11 - 1 pm
East Stadium
Basketball - Men
Tuesdays 8.30 - 10.30 pm
East Stadium
Wednesdays 6.30 - 11 pm
Thursdays 6.30 - 8.30 pm
West Stadium
Sundays 10 am - 12 pm
Stadium
Bushwalking
Meetings held Wednesdays
1 pm H5
Cricket - Women
Thursdays (July 24 - end)
7 - 9 pm
Tuesdays (Sept - end semester)
6 - 8 pm
Thursdays (Sept - end semester)
6 - 7,30 pm
Rec Hall
Fencing
Tuesdays 6.30 - 9.30 pm
Thursdays 7.30 - 10 pm
Games Hall
Football - Blues
Tuesdays 6 - 8 pm
Thursdays 6 - 8 pm
Oval 2
Football - Whites
Mondays 6 - 8 pm
Wednesdays 6 - 8 pm
Oval 2
Gymnastics
Tuesdays 4 . 3 0 - 8 pm
Fridays 4.30 - 7.30 pm
Games Hall
Handball
Wednesdays 7 - 9 pm
South Rec Hall
Hockey - Men
Tuesdays 6 - 8 pm
Thursdays 6 - 8 pm
Synthetic Hockey Field
Hockey - Women
Tuesdays 8 - 10 pm
Thursdays 8 - 10 pm
Synthetic Hockey Field
In-Line
Mondays 4 - 7 pm
South Rec Hall
Thursdays 4 - 7 pm
Rec Hall
Soccer - Men
Tuesdays 7 - 9 pm
Thursdays 7 - 9 pm
Soccer Grounds 2, 3 and 4
Soccer - Women
Tuesdays 6 - B pm
Thursdays 6 - 8 pm
Soccer Ground 2
Jiu-jitsu
Tuesdays 7.30 - 9,30 pm
Squash Court 1
Judo
Mondays 6,30 - 8.30 pm
Wednesdays 7 - 9 pm
Martial Arts Hall
Softball
Tuesdays 6 - 8 pm
Rec Hall
Kung Fu
Mondays 4.30 - 6.30 pm
Wednesdays 1 - 3 pm
Martial Arts Hall
Thursdays 7 - 9 pm
Rec Hall
Saturdays 11 - 1 pm
Games Hall
Squash
Wednesdays 2 - 5 pm
Thursdays 7 - 11 pm
Saturdays 9 - 1 pm
Sundays 1 2 - 3 pm. 7 - 10 pm
Squash Courts
Netball
Wednesdays 5 - 7 pm
East Stadium
Rugby - Women
Mondays 6 - 8.30 pm
Wednesdays 6 - 8.30 pm
Rugby Ground
Rugby Union
Tuesdays 6 - 8.30 pm
Thursdays 6 - 8.30 pm
Rugby Ground
Tai Chi
Tuesdays 5.30 - 8 p m
Martial Arts Hall
Thursdays 5.30 - 7 pm
Common Room and Courtyard
Swimming and Waterpolo
Mondays 3 - 4 pm, 7 - 9 pm
Tuesdays 7 - 8 pm
Wednesdays 3 - 4 pm, 7 - 9 pm
Thursdays 7 - 8 pm
Fridays 3 - 4 pm
Pool
Table Tennis
Wednesdays 6 , 3 0 - 11 pm
Fridays 7 - 1 1 pm
Saturdays 11 am - 1 pm
Sundays 7 - 1 1 pm
Table Tennis Room
Shorin/i Kempo
Mondays 6.30 - 8.30 pm
Wednesdays 7 - 9 pm
Saturdays 9.30 am - 12 pm
Martial Arts Hall
Taekwortdo
Mondays 4 - 6 pm
Wednesdays 4 - 6 pm
Games Hall
Fridays 4 - 6 pm
Sundays 4 - 6 pm
Martial Arts Hall
Tennis
Tuesdays 5 Thursdays 5 Fridays 12 - 5 p m ,
Courts 1 -
11 pm
11 pm
7 - 11 pm
4
Underwater
Tuesdays 8 - 10 pm
Pool
Volleyball
lylondays 8.30 - 10.30 pm
East and West Stadiums
Mondays 8 - 1 1 pm
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Tuesdays 9.30 - 11 pm
Games Hall
Tuesdays 4 - 11 pm
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Wednesdays 7 - 11 pm
East Stadium
Thursdays 8.30 11 pm
Stadium
Wushu
Mondays 8.30 - 10.30 pm
Thursdays 7 - 9 pm
Saturdays 3 - 5 pm
Martial Arts Hall
YetChuan do
Tuesdays 8 - 10 pm
Fridays 7 - 9 pm
Martial Arts Hall
Don't Wait - Escape Now!
Escape the everyday pressures of lectures, study, tutes and exams. Take off for a weekend of
stress-free enjoyment to Wilsons Prom, The Grampians, Phillip Island or just go Bush!
Thrifty Car Rentals have extra special deals for students. Grab a rental vehicle from our large
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^
Sports Briefs
What a hole of a ground:
Perhaps the WACA ground in Perth is
about to get recognition as the world's
second most likely place to disappear
(after the Bermuda Triangle, of course).
Tasmanian batting duo Jamie Cox and
Michael Di Venuto disappeared off the
face of the planet during the third day
of the Sheffield Shield final recently
played at the ground.
Did the lights go out again?:
Sources have suggested that the
reason for the loss of picture from the
Whitman's blimp during the Ansett Cup
Grand Final was due to the blimp being
abducted by an extra-terrestrial craft.
This may also give us an indication as
to why the lights at Waverley Park
suddenly became so much brighter
after half-time on that particular
Saturday night, especially when
sources at the company which fuels the
Waverley generators have reported
that there was not enough fuel to
actually last through the entire match.
Groundstaff have reported that as the
batsmen both turned for the third run,
after a lovely cover drive from Cox, one
of the large cracks on the WACA pitch
opened up a little bit more than
expected, swallowing both players
alive, before closing up again and
allowing play to continue.
It is believed that this craft hovered
above the ground shortly after the half
time festivities, ingested the
aforementioned blimp, and went on to
direct its 75 sets of headlights at the
ground before the lights actually went
out again. Perhaps the AFL should get
in contact with these beings before
each night game played at Waverley in
the future.
Both batsmen were subsequently
given out by the umpires for leaving the
ground without permission, and the
game continued as arranged.
Sportswomen Conspire Against Lot's:
Women's sporting teams have now
saturated the campus with little or no
notification to any being existing within
its boundaries. Sports sub-editors have
reported that there is substantial
interest on campus to report about
these teams in the sport section of Lot's
Wite.
It has been suggested that the
presidents of these sporting clubs are
conspiring to have the sport section
removed from Lot's for featuring
hundreds more articles on men's sport.
It is time to change this pattern, so we
want as many articles on women's
sports and the sporting clubs as
possible. It's simple really: just write the
article, and bring it in to Lot's. Not only
is it a great way of breeding interest in
your club, but you also get your name
in print.
League Takes Melbourne By Storm:
The reunification of the Australian Rugby
and Super Leagues has lead the
establishment to question the amount
of power people can actually hold in this
country. And it has been reported that it
has nothing to do with the fact that
Ii4essrs. Murdoch and Packer are now
behind the competition In an enormous
way.
The question remains: how many people
can call themselves Victorian if ttiey are
prepared to go along and support the
poor northern cousin of Australian Rules
Football? How much power (or money!)
do the bosses of the NRL have, if they
are prepared to give away as many tree
tickets as they are. It is a conspiracy
against both the Victorian population
and the AFL... and by the way, where
are my tickets?
Richard Johnson
Footy Tipping
Wow! Thanks for the huge response to
Footy Tipping '98.
When I could eventually stifle my raucous
laughter resulting from the witty and
hilarious "favourite" drinks on the Entry
Forms, I got around to calculating your
scores from Round I.
Only one lucky entrant scored a perfect
eight. Congratulations to Gillian
Davenport, our lovely MSA General
Secretary. She can come into the Lot's
Office and collect her slab of Bundaberg
Rum and Cola. Allegedly, for Round 1 she
chose the winning teams using such
methods as "My brother used to barrack
for...", "Ooo, I like...", and other such
sensible deductions. Congratulations also
to Chris Coyle and Nik Dragojiovic, for a
grand total of 0 tips between them.
Until next time, just to take it one week at
a time!
Oh, and if you're wondering, yes, you can
still do the Footy Tipping. If you forget a
Round, or are late, you are given a
celebrity's tips. Round 1 was Dermie's (5).
Round 4
Rounds
Rounds
rtumilnSiiin.
FridiylUiilllTlli
m m bvSpm.
Tmraiiy April mi
BUNBUERG RUN FOIITY TIPriNG '9S: H E MIES
nt^
Pmerred Drink:
Gtuna&ltar:^
rraleirad Drink:
•
Richmond
•Hawlhorn
Q Draw
•
Collingwood
•Richmond
•Draw
•
Rtchmond
•WestCoasl
•Draw
•
Bulldogs
•Collingwood
•Draw
•
Ceelong
•Bulldog!
•Draw
•
Collingwood
•
Essendon
•
•
PonAdeliide
• N Ih M elbourne •
Dra* •
•
SlKildi
•Adelaide
•Draw
•
•
Sydney
•Gcelong
•
•
•
Fremantle
•WeslCoasl
•
Draw
•Draw
•
Hawlhorn
•
Brisbane
•Draw
•Sydney
•Draw
•
Frem anile
•
North Melb
•Draw
Port Adelaide
• Adelaide
•
Draw
•
Melbourne
•
Port Adelaide
•
SlKilda
QCarlton
•Draw
•Draw
Carlton
•Melbourne
•Draw
Essendon
•Fremantle
•Draw
•
Sydney
•
North Melb
•
•
•
Adelaide
• Ceelong
•Melbourne
QDraw
•
Carlton
•Essendon
QDraw
•
page 46
•SlKilda
•
Brisbane
strong^^Qmellow
Hawlhorn
Draw
•
Draw
Wesi Coast
•
•
Brisbane
Joey Cullum
ratunihySnm.
CeunatYHr:Pralairad Drink:
CoursBtYBar:^
However, if you miss more than five
rounds, you're out of the comp.
strongs/Sumellow
Draw
BnlldofS
•
Draw
Draw
1. Entries usually close by 5pm on the Friday
before each round unless otherwise specified.
2. All details mu.si be filled in to be eligible lo
win. 3. Drop your completed forms into the
box in the Lilt's Wife office. 4, Entrants who
forget to band in their forms, or are late, will be
given the same core as a celebrity tipster.
designated by the Footy Tipping Co-ordinalor
and the editors. 5. Weekly winners and
progressive scores will be published in Uil's
Wife. 6. The judges of this competition are the
Footy Tipping Co-Ordinalor and the Editors. 7.
The judge's decision is final and no correspondence shall be entered into. 8. Prizes will
be awarded in the form of; I case Bundaberg
Rum pre-mix cans and merchandise per round
winner, and a huge bonus prize for the grand
final winner (keep watching to find out). 9. If
you don't pick the team you support every
week, no matter what, you are a disgrace to
yourself, your family, and society in general.
strong^@(^niellow
This page tvillftelf-destructif 9et or\ fire.
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