June/July 09

St Augustine's Dumbarton
The New Look
Issue 36 June/July 2009
£1.00
Linda Dunnit!
Maggie “bumped off” in St Aug’s Séance!
lice woman was Janette complete with
On Friday 4th June the Friends’ Murder
mini skirt, truncheon and dangling earMystery was won outright by ‘The Inrings.
tellectual Quartet’ or Barbara’s Team
The kitchen staff were, as usual, magconsisting of Barbara, Sheila, Isobel
and Marion. This team was the only one nificent in the most difficult of circumto work out ‘who dunnit’ Everyone else stances and managed to feed everyone
including the High Street seagulls when
opted for the character played by KenMargaret Hardie’s
ny, a born again ChrisTHE INTELLECTUAL goulash came a croptian councillor called
per in the gutter. Oh
William Grouse. His
QUARTET’ WINS
dear, these things are
pristine white socks
MURDER
MYSTERY
sent to try us!
convinced most of the
This will be
participants that this
Friends’ last
was a very shady
event at which
character indeed.
the Vestry
The real baddie
Kitchen will be
was, in fact, Linda
the hub of the
playing Agatha
cooking………..
Mansfield who
Halleluiia!
cleverly electroTo all who
cuted Maggie durworked so hard
ing a Hallowe’en
to move seats,
séance.
set tables, decoMaggie died specrate the hall, and
tacularly but was
go shopping
still able to eat her
thank you - your
meal of delicious
hard work was
‘ghoulash’ followed
much appreciatby ‘scary strawbered. Those who
ries with haunted
attended cercream’.
tainly entered
Others participating
into the spirit of
in this gruesome
the occasion entertainment inMargot was definitely the scariest,
cluded Sharon and Charlie as the naive
Rachel the cutest as a little cat and Faye
young spiritualists, Gillian as Fergie,
the most mysterious.
the beautiful temptress and Sandra as a
computer ‘geek’. David Rowatt played
Where else but St. Auggies would a
an animal rights activist and Roberta a
Hallowe’en Party be held in June?
doubting spinster of the parish. The po-
Contents
From Kenny
Page 2
Gambia Container
Page 3
Rotas
Page 5
St. James the Least
Page 6
Photos
Page 8 - 9
Wait Till I Tell You
Page 11-12
St John the Baptist
Page 13
Easy English
Page 14
Parish Directory
Page 16
1
From Kenny.....
"The toe bone's connected to the
foot bone, the foot bone's connected to the ankle bone, the ankle bone's connected to the shin
bone . . .now hear the word of the
Lord." That delightful little spiritual
brings to mind one of the most
dynamic, hopeful images in all the
Old Testament. It is Ezekiel's vision of the valley of dry
bones.
"By the Spirit of the Lord," Ezekiel testifies, "I was set
down in the midst of a valley; it was full of bones." Perhaps these were the bones of an army that had been
trapped in this valley by hostile forces and had been
summarily slaughtered. The flesh had long ago fallen
away. Now there was nothing left but a pile of bones
baked by the sun. In Ezekiel's words, they "were very
dry."
Amidst this scene of death, decay and destruction, the
Lord asks Ezekiel a powerful question--a question that
is important to your life and mine, "Son of man, can
these bones live?"
A young man in a wheelchair, crippled by an accident,
asks his friend, "Do I have a future?"
A couple sits in a counsellor’s office, "Can our marriage
be saved?"
A widow sinks into a chair. Only a few hours before
they lowered into the ground the coffin that contained
her precious husband. "Can I go on?" she wonders as
she softly cries.
"Son of man, can these bones live?" Can that which is
dead be returned to life? Can a situation that has been
written off as hopeless be recouped, revived, resurrected? Is there any hope?
Many, many people live in the valley of dry bones.
Some live in that valley for a long time. There in that
lonely valley we will find ourselves asking, Is there any
hope? Can I go on? Can these bones live again?
The answer is a resounding yes. There is hope. You
can go on. These bones can live again. The question,
then, is how? How can we find hope in the midst of
desolation, courage in the face of impending collapse,
comfort in our hour of ultimate distress? The answer is,
by the word of the Lord.
"And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones
live?' And I answered, "O Lord God, thou knowest.'
Again [the Lord] said to me, "Prophesy to these bones,
and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the
Lord.'"
2
The answer is in the Word of the Lord. Remember, it
was with a word that the world was created. It was by
the Word that God revealed the fullness of His love for
humanity, "And the word became flesh and dwelt
among us" It is by the Word of the Lord that we live
and move and have our being. Our hope is in the Word
of the Lord.
That is why the Scriptures are so important to our lives.
I say that even though I realize that many of us rarely
read our Bibles.
Many of us are practically illiterate when it comes to the
Scriptures. Thus we miss a tremendous source of comfort and strength.
The brilliant writer, Katherine Mansfield, died of tuberculosis. She came upon the Bible only in her mature
life, never having read or studied it until then. "I feel so
bitterly," she wrote in her journal, "that I have never
known these writings before. They ought to be part of
my very breathing."
That is true of all of us. Particularly when we are in the
valley of dry bones. We need the written Word of the
Lord. It will give us comfort and strength. Our hope is in
the Word of the Lord. That is why the Scriptures are so
important to our lives. In worship we also discover the
Word of the Lord for our lives.
Worship is that time in the week when we wait calmly
so that we can rediscover which way is up and bring
some balance into our lives. This is particularly important when we are in the valley.
For many of us this hour of worship is that time when
we shift our burden from our shoulders to his. We find
our strength in the word of the Lord. That is why the
Scriptures are important to us. That is why worship is
important to us.
Finally, that is why prayer is so important to us. When
you are in the valley of dry bones, you discover that
prayer is more than a mere ritual at mealtime or before
going to sleep.
We need a link with the One who can restore new life
to dry bones. Prayer is that link.
Can these bones live again? Yes, there is hope even in
the valley of dry bones. For God is a living God, a God
who is faithful to his promises and is powerful enough
to accomplish whatever he wills. What an exciting piece
of news for us. There is hope--in the Word, in worship
and through prayer. Even dry bones can live again.
Kenny
Murder Mystery Night
It was a dark and stormy Hallowe’en
night and Annabel, the local spiritualist
and medium , had gathered with an assorted group, including the local councillor, a witch, an animal rights activist,
some devoted followers of the spiritualist
movement, and a blue-stocking whose sole aim was
to debunk the entire process, to hold her regular
séance. As things were getting underway, there was
a loud scream. Was it a ghost or a wandering spirit
come to enliven the proceedings? No, far more sinister than that – Annabel had been murdered!
Or if you prefer it, it was a typical Scottish night in
early June and St Aug’s was holding a Murder Mystery night in the church. The place was decorated in a
Hallowe’en theme and an assortment of witches hats
of all different shapes and sizes were in evidence.
The murder victim was Maggie and it was the job of
those attending to figure out which of the cast of suspects (all distinctly dodgy looking characters if you
ask me) had done it – supervised by Super Cop Janette Barnes.
Clues were handed out and studied carefully as the
guests demolished “Ghastly Ghoulash” and “Scary
Strawberries”, washed down with Blood
Red Wine, or in some cases Dandelion
and Burdock. One table discussed the
possibility of holding their own séance to
ask for help from Taggart, but alas since
he retired it seems his skills as a detective
have got rusty because he got it wrong!
The consensus was that the most likely
suspect was Councillor William. Maybe it was wishful
thinking after all the politicians who have fiddled expenses in recent weeks, maybe it was the fact that he
had the cheesier than cheesy manner of all such public figures, or maybe it was just that if you can’t think
of anyone else blame the Rector
However, one group of valiant sleuths led by Barbara
“Sherlock” Barnes solved the murder correctly. The
real culprit was in fact Agatha the local witch, acted
brilliantly by Linda, whose motive was greed as she
wanted Annabel’s house. The winning team were rewarded for their efforts with prizes of Cava and 6
month contracts for the detective squad at Dumbarton
Police Office.
A good night was had by all and Friends raised almost £200 for funds. So well done everyone involved,
from the organisers and cast through to all those who
came along and joined in the fun.
IT'S CONTAINER TIME AGAIN
I've managed to get another container to fill and send to
The Gambia, hopefully in September.
More educational materials will be sent to Dumbarton
London Corner Nursery School and to other schools. As
ever there will be a place for football strips and baby and
children's clothes.
This year we plan to support some gardening projects
which help women grow food for their families and for
some income. So we are looking for garden forks and
spades, small forks and trowels, rakes etc. Also if you
have any DIY tools you don't need any more, these can be
passed on to a vocational training programme for disadvantaged young people. Sewing machines, knitting needles and crochet hooks, threads, yarns etc can also be
utlised by a women's skills group.
I can uplift any of these things. Just let me know at church
or phone 761403. Many thanks.
Fran
3
LOCUSTS AND WILD HONEY
ST JOHN THE BAPTIST
JUNE 24TH
St John the Baptist is the only Saint whose birthday
the Church celebrates, apart from Jesus and Mary.
This Saints Day is a wild mixture of traditions: Celtic, Slav, Germanic and Christian. The heathens celebrated the shortest night of the year with large fires
to mark the solstice. In the night when the god Wotan walked the earth to bless it, the people jumped
over the fires in the belief, that the gods should free
them from misfortune and illness. Already in the 5th
century Christians picked up these traditions, in order to celebrate that ‘figure of light’ which pointed
to the ‘new light of the world’ in Jesus.
St John’s Day sometimes was called ‘Summer
Christmas’, following a circle of numbers which
divided the year in 4 quarters, the birthday of John
corresponding to that of Jesus.
St Luke tells us that Elizabeth, the mother of John
expected a child in old age as the angel had foretold,
Mary went to see her, and as they met, the child in
Elizabeth’s womb leapt . This is why St John later
on became the patron saint of dancers and musicians. This antenatal dance might have been the
only one, which John ever dared to do! We are told
that he lived a very ascetic life, eating only locusts
and wild honey, wore a hairy garment and never
drank any wine. For that reason popular piety later
called on him to help in cases of alcoholism, also
epilepsy and spasms of different kinds.
John was the great preacher of repentance, who
warned of eternal fire for sinners. When he criticised the king Herod Antipas for his marriage, he
was imprisoned and beheaded. Therefore he also is
a Saint called upon in cases of strong headaches!
Jesus may well have started his preaching life in the
footsteps of John, as a prophet of Doom, with similar burning eyes threatening disaster.
However, we can ask why the prophets of Doom
have so little success in this world? They obviously
are right, since they have looked into the abyss, they
see what others do not want to see. It might be that
pure fright does not lead to conversion!
The late Brazilian Bishop Helder Camara once
wrote: “Lord, teach me to say ‘no’ with a hint of
4
‘yes’. The prophetic ‘no’ only makes people more
stubborn.
Jesus later found a way out of that prophetic ‘no’,
he seems to playfully draw in the sand when the
people brought the adulteress before him, he shows
them the more beautiful way of forgiving, he eats
and drinks with the tax collectors and sinners, and
with every drink they become more human. None
is spared repentance, but they are not driven to despair, they learn to be accepted, they learn to live a
better life.
We would perhaps like to see that kind of morality
preached in the Church. The Church need not be
fascinated by visions of Doom, but by the voice of
goodness and mercy. People can follow on that
path.
In iconography St John the Baptist often is depicted
with long hair and pale face, having wings because
of his angelic lifestyle. Jesus has no wings – he was
a man!
Brigitte Williams ( based on an article by Fulbert
Steffensky, Andere Zeiten 2/2009)
Rotas - June/July 2009
Sunday June
7th
11am Eucharist.
Readers:
Fran Walker & Tim Rhead
Intercessions: Maggie Wallace
Chalice:
J. Barnes & David Rowatt
Sidespersons: Vernon Perrin & M. Swan
Sunday June.
14th
11am Eucharist.
Readers:
S. Rowatt & G. Kennedy
Intercessions: Margaret Hardie
Chalice:
Colleen Bell & Tim Rhead
Sidespersons: Ronnie Blaney & M. Rhead
Sunday June.
21st
11am Eucharist.
Readers:
D. Rowatt & Morag O’Neill
Intercessions: Vernon Perrin.
Chalice:
M Hardie & Sharon Rowatt
Sidespersons: Chrissie Ashman & R Mailley
Sunday July.
26th.
11am Eucharist.
Readers: Colleen Bell & Yvonne McAlpine..
Intercessions: Fran Walker.
Chalice: Barbara Barnes & Margaret Hardie.
Sidespersons: Margot Rhead & Roberta Mailley
FLOWERS
W/E June 6th.M. Wallace & M. Hardie.
.
“
“ .13th.B. Barnes & Betty Gordon
“
“ 20th Dee Perrin & Moira McGown.
.
“
27th.L. Macaulay & R. McLeay..
.
Sunday June.
28th
11am Eucharist
Readers:
Gavin Elder & Bob Steele
Intercessions: Margot Rhead
Chalice:
B.Barnes & Fran Walker.
Sidespersons: Jean Carr & Sandra O’Neill
Sunday July
5th
11am Eucharist.
Readers: Janette Barnes & Evelyn O’Neill
Intercessions: Tim Rhead
Chalice:
Maggie Wallace & Colleen Bell
Sidespersons: L Jenkinson & Barbara Barnes
Sunday July.
12th.
11am Eucharist.
Readers:
Fran Walker & Margot Rhead.
Intercessions: Linda Macaulay.
Chalice:
Vernon Perrin & Janette Barnes
Sidespersons: Jean Carr & Margaret Swan.
Sunday July.
19th..
11am Eucharist.
Readers: Linda Macaulay & Maggie Wallace
Intercessions: Evelyn O’Neill.
Chalice:
Tim Rhead & David Rowatt.
Sidespersons: Chrissie Ashman & Sandra O’Neill
GALT TRANSPORT
Bankend Road,
Dumbarton
Tel: 01389 730460
www.galttransport.co.uk
Email: [email protected]
Please support our ‘supporters’ with
your custom
Macleans
the Jewellers
106 High Street Dumbarton
Quality jewellery In the heart of Dumbarton
Tel: 01389 733331
5
St James the Least of All...
June & July 2009
Happily, the Scottish Episcopal Church still retains some
singular parish clergy. Take the parish of St
James-the-Least in an un-named Diocese, for
example. Here the elderly Anglo-Catholic Rector,
Eustace, continues his correspondence to Darren,
his nephew, a low-church curate recently
ordained.
The Rectory
St. James the Least of All
`ç wxtÜ axÑ{xã WtÜÜxÇ?
Never, ever feel aggrieved that your summer strawberry tea
has to be held in the church hall rather than on a lawn, since
there isn’t a single blade of grass to be found in your entire
parish. You have no idea of the potential calamities you are
avoiding.
Here, during the previous week, the organisers will be desperately asking the opinion of local farmers about the
weather. In doing so, they forget that for the farming community, it is always the wrong sort of weather anyway. I
once received a heartfelt plea from the staff at Heathrow
airport for our ladies to stop calling them at hourly intervals
to find out if hurricanes may be imminent.
Naturally, the day will start out warm and sunny and so all
the tables will be arranged on the vicarage lawn. By 10am,
tablecloths will have been laid. By 10.10am, a brisk breeze
will have sprung up and someone will be delegated to retrieve them all from deep within the nettle patch. By 11am,
clouds will gather and a decision will be made to transfer
everything into the church hall. Once that is completed, just
when it is almost too late to change, the sun will re-emerge
and there will be a frantic dash to put everything back on
the lawn. This ensures that by 2pm when teas start, the ladies will already be in a state of collapse.
Last year, the Laird’s wife graced us with her presence. As
she sat with her entourage, elegantly sipping tea under a giant parasol over the table, the thing – equally elegantly –
closed around her, leaving her looking like one of those unfortunate insects trapped by a carnivorous plant. To emerge
from its depths looking entirely unflustered was beyond
even her social skills.
Fortunately, attention was diverted from her predicament by
the wife of one of our farmers. This substantial lady had
been sitting in a chair with slightly too thin legs for the
damp lawn. The rear two slowly sank into the grass, eventually catapulting the dear lady backwards into the lap of the
6
local Provost of the Burgh. Disentangling red flannelette
from his chains took some time, and delicacy.
At least when I have had enough, the lawn can be cleared in
minutes by drawing the raffle. The moment the last rubber
shower cap and set of Christmas doilies has been awarded,
there will be a dash to get home, giving my dog the opportunity to retrieve remnants of cream cakes from the flower
beds.
It was lovely to see you and your curate friends last week
when you came for your Summer picnic in the countryside.
I was delighted when you said you where bringing Chardonnay, but somewhat disconcerted to discover that what I
assumed would be coming in bottles, arrived in a pink track
suit. I had the white wine glasses all ready. I presume your
baptismal register is full of Claret Smiths, Burgundy Jones
and Beaujolais Browns.
I was saddened to see that almost all of the group were
wearing hearing aids, and assumed it must be a consequence
of spending so much time with your noisy “music groups”
in church. It was only when one of your friends asked me
why I was bellowing at them all, that I discovered their
hearing was perfect and that they were listening to music.
How you manage to fit sets of records into one of those little machines, let alone squeeze in a turntable, is beyond me.
And why call them eye-pods when they fit into your ear?
On another occasion, do remind your friends that a farmer’s
field differs from an inner city park. Fields do not have
benches, let alone picnic tables; power points for electric
kettles and mobile phone chargers are not in every field corner; you sit on the grass and accommodate yourself around
the sheep droppings. I know it will come as a surprise to
some of your group, but farm animals are not trained to visit
lavatories.
Neither are fields centrally heated; we have what are called
hats, coats and scarves when enjoying the open air – anyway, it was not cold, it was bracing. And do remember that
barbed wire has that name for a reason. Brandon’s left
jacket pocket can be retrieved from the fence next time he
visits.
In our villages, we tend to think of the dangers lurking in
inner city streets, but apparently they are nothing compared
with the endless hazards you encounter in the countryside.
I was sorry that the day ended so suddenly. When I got one
of our local farmers to let you use his field, it never occurred
to me that he should be asked to clear it of his stock. I fully
realise that the nearest your urban colleagues will have got to
a sheep will have been in a supermarket among the lamb
chops wrapped in cling film, but the panic that spread
through them when the flock ambled over to see if they
might be treated to the odd sandwich was something to
behold. Sheep are perfectly amiable, they are most unlikely
to trample you underfoot and I have never known anyone
torn limb from limb by a crazed ewe. That sort of behaviour
is only to be found at church jumble sales.
But it was your loss; it allowed me to finish off the picnic,
with my own Chardonnay which was rather more elegantly
clad in green glass – and your killer sheep thoroughly
enjoyed the chocolate cake.
Your loving uncle,
Richmond Architects
Supporting
The Friends of St. Augustine’s
Castle Terrace,
Dumbarton
Tel: 01389 765578
Xâáàtvx
Signs:
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the
bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at
a McDonald's in California.
"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and
sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are
blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a
restaurant.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen
customer at a drive-through window.
"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the
1/3 pounder?"
Quotes:
"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when
asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or
without cheese.
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of
a waitress.
"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A
waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when
asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the £1.99 popcorn chicken?"
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by
a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer
ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer
ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response
to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker,
asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of
two special sandwiches.
"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria
worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have
ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering
pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was
heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Jim, is
that right?"
7
Above: Kenny’s Football Team in The Gambia get ready for their new season in their newly acquired Dumbarton “away” jerseys, and below, some well kent artists are making Birthday Cards for the Church at Pentecost. The creativity of the congregation never fails to astound!
All Aboard!!!!
8
The Murder Mystery Night:
Maggie is “done-in” while Inspector
Barnes arrives on the scene.... Faye meets a
“Born Again Councillor”, and the winning
team show that they have pretty faces as
well as brains!
9
Smile-lines
In this recession ridden times…
What's the capital of Iceland?
About 10 krona.
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the
window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the
afternoon.
What's the difference between an investment banker
and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.
What's the difference between an investment banker
and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a
new Ferrari.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she
sang the Magna Carta
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived
they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption. Then St John the Blacksmith dumped
water on his head.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get
the Ten Commandments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam
to eat the apple.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my
feet. The car's been repossessed.
One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also
a taximan.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.
**
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't
sell anything?
A quarter-pounder with fries, please.
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office.
She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his
secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he
starts dictating: “and in conclusion, gentlemen,
credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue
to operate this office with just one chair.”
*******
Lost in translation
The following extracts from school religious exam
papers... make you wonder!
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
apostles.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day but a
ball of fire at night.
10
Mother in a Storm
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I
can't, dear," she said, "I have to sleep with your daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big coward."
**
Rain
The little girl was anxiously watching the sunny sky
for signs of rain. “Mum, didn’t the weatherman on
TV last night say there would be rain?” “Yes,
dear,” Mum replied. “Well,” the little girl sighed
with relief. “Thank goodness God didn’t hear him.”
**
‘Wait Till I Tell You………….’
Janette at large in the lovely month of May..
ST. AUGGIES’ GOT TALENT!
Hall.
Friday 8th May and it was Ghislaine’s turn to paint
the town red - or even ‘Colour it Celtic’! The organisation of this concert was St. Auggies at its best with
everyone being allocated a job and doing it well.
This was the ‘big time’ after all! We were in the
Civic charging a fiver a ticket and there were rumours of a sell out!
ANOTHER WEEKEND IN CONCERT.
The ‘golden girls’ totally took over the Raffle and
Tombola while Margaret H and Barbara tried to
maintain sanity and composure at front of house and
in the box office. Behind the scenes, Maggie, our
Stage Manager, was ‘on the cans’ verbally controlling everybody within and without earshot and covering a remarkable range. Derek and Aiden
succeeded in looking ‘cool’ in their roles as stage
crew giving credence to the adage ‘ it’s not what you
do, it’s the way that you do it’. The excitement began when Ghislaine and the bemused compere (me!)
got into the good frocks to face the public. ‘Jist keep
talking tae pass the time while the next act gets
ready’ said Ghislaine. But this meant changing from
the bare stage necessary for the Irish Dancers to the
electrical minefield essential to the performance of a
full blown skiffle group. And time was of the essence so what does one talk about? The weather?
Avoiding the wires, plugs and amplifiers while regaling the audience with platitudes and pleasantries
was simply a case for thinking on one’s feet. Help!
Kenny saved the day at one point by leaping on
stage to share the talking while our ‘laid back’
stage crew contemplated what to plug in where and
when. He could have preached a sermon in the
timeslot but desisted! Yes, backstage the concert
seemed never ending and passed from chaos to more
chaos!
Out front, the audience, augmented by a wee bus
load from Stirling were having a great night out.
Thanks to Ghislaine and Ricky, their talented
Friends, the Highland Dancers with a difference and
the Irish Troupe with their wonderful costumes and
curly wigs topped by tiaras. Even Sandra made it out
of her Vale Hospital sick bed just in time to get involved. The magnificent audience cheered all the
way to Halleluiah and we’re still counting the money
which will be shared between C.H.A.S and our new
Hot on the heels of the Celtic Night came another
two concerts - this time in the Church where Amnesty International were raising money with Irish
American music and Dumbarton Churches Together
were welcoming from the U.S.A., Jessica Weidman
who sang everything from an operatic aria to ‘Down
in the Glen’. The St. Aug’s acoustics were in great
form and both concerts were thoroughly enjoyed by
all.
A WEE DAY OUT IN THE TROSSACHS
For every Friends’ event executive members prepare
well in advance! Aye - that will be right! However,
our forthcoming ‘Totally Trossachs’ outing has been
well rehearsed. The route has been researched and
contrary to popular belief, the organisers, charged
with seeking a suitable High Tea menu, did not eat
in every establishment in the area and claim expenses. What do you take us for? MPs? Make sure your
name is on the list for a great day out on 8th August!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL PIGS.
Perhaps Joanna Lumley could take this on as her
next project. Miss Piggy, Chairperson of the Pigs in
Peril Protection Society remarked recently ‘Never
since George Orwell maligned us so viciously in Animal Farm has the porcine character been so badly
portrayed and we are now in need of a good spin
doctor. Snouts in the Trough is simply the way we
pigs dine and the phrase is now being attributed to
the disgraceful activities of a greedy group of human
beings. Soon the Daily Telegraph will be publishing
details of some honourable members who have actually claimed for their troughs. Well if they can claim
for a Church collection …………..!
‘And there’s worse - a new disease has been discovered. A pandemic, in fact , and they’re calling it
Swine Flu! Please, please be kind to the pig - it only
exists to bring sausages and bacon rolls to the
masses and never ever tells porkies!’
COLOUR IT BLUE.
Very soon pedestrians in the High Street will notice
11
a Blue Plaque on our Church Wall to indicate that
St. Aug's is part of the West Dunbartonshire Heritage Trail. This should not be confused with the blue
blob in the middle of the road which indicates the
position of the blockage in the pipes that is causing
mayhem with our drainage system.
asked for a backing group they were first to the microphones. Other tables populated by friends from
other sections of John’s life remarked ‘That’s the
Church crowd, too!’ Aye, you couldnae take them
anywhere!
FOR THOSE IN PERIL….
WE’RE HAVING A HEATWAVE!
May came to an end in blazing, scorching sunshine.
Kenny said he brought it back from Lesbos - that’s
where he went on holiday but don’t mention it in the
Church of Scotland! Anyway, he never tires of trying to persuade us that he has influence with the
‘man in the sky’. Well, whoever arranged it - it was
hot! Pink bodies rapidly turning red appeared in the
High Street and the summer fashions hastily unearthed from drawers and cupboards did nothing to
enhance the appearance of a large section of our indigenous population. Men in ancient army surplus
shorts, female flesh bulged out of spaghetti string
straps and everything appeared to be in a size they
wore the last time Scotland had a heat wave. It
wasn’t long before the ‘I’m ferr bilin’ - canny
staun’ this heat’ brigade became more vocal at the
bus stops and sun burn cures became best sellers in
Boots. See us? We look , feel and function better
when it’s miserable, so we do!
Enjoy the break whatever you’re doing and look
forward to being back in August with our brand new
Hall.
] tÇxààx
Parish Walks:
The next walk is on Saturday July 4th sailing from
Helensburgh pier at 10.50 and probably returning at 3
pm tho’ it will be possible to stay longer and come back
by bus. This will be a forest walk to a view-point. See
Tim or Rosemary for details.
THE ‘SEASON’ AND A BIG BASH AT THE
STADIUM.
No Hiding Place:
‘ Is there anything so splendid; so jaded; so welcoming; so elitist; so meritorious; as the English
social Season’ so said Wilfred Gowers -Round.
Kenny has just upgraded his phone to one which is basically a Kodak camera! Wherever you go, whatever you
do…. He’ll be waiting! The magazine will be much more
interesting!
But this year it was different because John Hardie’s
Big Birthday Bash at the Football Stadium joined
Ascot, Glyndebourne and Glorious Goodwood in
the ‘where to be seen’ stakes. Imagine John being
sixty! Doesn’t seem any time since he was a mischievous teenager in St Auggie’s AYPA.
Now, after all these years and two new hips, he’s
still putting smiles on folk’s faces - after all, he’s
spent a lifetime in the teeth trade - false teeth! Congratulations, John and well done for asking everyone to donate to CHAS instead of buying you a
present.
The St Auggie’s table had a great night with Chrissie, Roberta and Christine arriving in Renaissance
style wigs more reminiscent of the mythological
sirens who lured men to their doom! When the band
12
Yes, it’s nearly time for Maggie and I to take our
annual cruise on the Med. So look out all you posers, bores and potential dining companions, here we
come! We haven’t yet made it to the Captain’s Table - maybe he’s heard something!
Brave Barbara:
Barbara Barnes has done her zip slide over the Clyde to
raise funds for SENSE, the charity which gives essential
help to Blind/Deaf children. Please give her the money if
you signed the sponsor sheet at the back of the church!
Computer Disaster:
The Rector’s laptop got seriously “ill” last week, and
much of the magazine was lost forever. Apologies if
your articles or pics did not appear this month. All recent
emails and email addresses have been lost and a new
hard drive was required.
Thankfully the computer whizz was able to save some of
his stuff, or there may have been no magazine at all!
A RADICAL THINKER
At the end of June churches are celebrating the feast
of St Peter and St Paul. The Vatican had declared
2008 the ‘Great Year of St Paul’, but nobody seemed
to have noticed. Many people these days think that
St Paul is a figure from the past, only interesting to
churches and theologians. Yet in 2002 a conference
was held in Los Angeles to study “St Paul and Modernity”, in which many prominent contemporary
philosophers from all over the world took part, including some of the Marxist tradition, who had discovered St Paul as a radical political thinker.
They found that our world, with one superpower and
the model of global capitalism without competition
could be compared to that of 2000 years ago, when
the Roman Empire dominated the European-Mediterranean world. St Paul was the only philosopher
who proclaimed an alternative to this model: The
crucified Christ as a kind of ‘Anti-Emperor’; and
‘The End of the Law’.
He also saw the Christian community in which all
are equal in Christ as radically different to the Roman society defined by class. Anybody who would
uphold such religious and political convictions today
would be called fundamentalist and totalitarian. The
search for the absolute truth is out – in is a permanent scepticism. St Paul is the opposite to what the
spirit of our age demands; he is no sceptic but a believer.
Three modern Philosophers based their theories on
the letters of St Paul: Alain Badiou, Giorgio Agamben and Slavoj Žižek.
The Morocco born Frenchman Alain Badiou concerns himself with our modern political thoughts on
identity. This defines persons or groups by their
character, by what they are, and aims to give each
one the opportunity to develop his potential. By contrast St Paul’s Christian after conversion is “a man
without qualities”, he has undergone a process of
emptying himself in order to begin a new life in
Christ (2 Cor 5. 17).
This theory has consequences for politics.
Until now in political thinking three different
‘models’ of society were known: The first might be
called ‘value based’, since all members of that community share cultural values. The second is the
model of Kant, a German Philosopher, where politics are based on a system of rules or laws which all
should obey. The third model is the modern multi-
cultural society, which assumes that members of society are different and all must respect the
‘otherness’ of persons or groups who have the right
to develop their identity. The Christian community,
which St Paul proclaims is based on neither of these,
but on the confession to Christ alone. For both Jews
and Greeks the political community is based on a
kind of obedience, either to the state (the Polis) for
the Greeks, or to the Law for the Jews. The confession to Christ liberates us, according to St Paul, from
the ‘Curse of the Law’ (Gal 3.13) and creates a community neither based on cultural roots nor birth right
but on Jesus alone. The Greek Polis excluded those
who were aliens, the Jews those not of the ‘chosen
people’, but in the Christian Community everybody
has ‘citizen’s rights’, be he Jew or Greek, slave or
freeborn, man or woman. Nobody is excluded.
These thoughts would make St Paul, according to
Badiou, the first ‘Universalist’.
The Italian Giorgio Agamben concerns himself with
the Law, which can exclude a person from the community as a being ‘beyond the law’ – as the Nazis
did with the Jews. As Christ was rejected both by the
Jewish law (in the Sanhedrin) and by Roman law
(Pilate), there was no place for him in the order of
society. Yet, in contrast to those who only represent
a particular cultural identity he becomes the only
true representative of a universal human experience,
‘a stumbling block to the Jews and foolishness to
Gentiles’ (I Cor 1, 23)
The Slovene Slavoj Žižec looks at the impact of the
incarnation on theology. Most theologians look at
this from the point of view of what it means for us
humans, but it seems that St Paul thought of the impact the incarnation has on God Himself. Since for
both Jews and Muslims God is the embodiment of
perfection, He must be lacking in the experience of
imperfection, of death. St Paul thought that Christ
voluntary gave up perfection and took on human
form and death, and that mortality and imperfection
are the conditions for love. Other than the Platonic
Eros, which ascends from the lower to the higher
level, the love of Christ moves in the opposite direction, from the Holy to the Profane. The true mystery
of God’s Love lies for St Paul in the fact that the
imperfect is rated higher than the perfect, the accomplished.
Christ’s failure in this world enabled him to
overcome the rule of this world, which is
:- ‘for winners only’.
(Brigitte Williams, based on an article by Rolf
Spinnler, Die Zeit 17/12/08)
13
You think English is Easy???
Read to the end ... A new twist
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce .
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish Furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present .
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have
to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig. Why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth,
beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds
14
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of
course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more
meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or
at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning,
why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic
come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the Officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a
room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and
clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some
guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To
be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP
because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the
morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can
add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to
it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
hundred or more!
Captions Competition - Results
Kenny /Linda photo:
‘You’ll have to grin and bear it, Linda. The Dean says it’s a Canon 35 job
to remove them’
‘Listen , Kenny, even if we keep on wearing this Celtic gear they’ll still
not call you Father.’
‘I know people are staring , Linda but it’s the dog collar that attracts attention’.
The Margaret, Janette and Sandra Photo: (unfortunately lost!)
Contenders for the Speaker’s job wait to try out the Chair.
These exclusive fashions for the more mature lady will be available at St.
Augustine’s next Nearly New.
‘This G&T’s lovely but I had to pinch a slice of lemon off the prawns’.
Janette Barnes wins a year’s free subscription to the Mag for the above wit or wisdom!
Quotes
Life can become once more a grand adventure if we
will surrender it to God.... he brings one adventure
to an end, only to open another to us. ...with him
we must be ready for anything. -Paul Tournier
Humility is the beginning of true intelligence John Calvin
A Christian is never in a state of completion but always in a process of becoming. - Martin Luther
God never put anyone in a place too small to grow
in. - Henrietta Mears
A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.
- Robert Quillen
Though conversing face to face, their hearts have a
thousand miles between them. - Chinese proverb
A family is a mobile strung together with invisible
threats – delicate, easily broken at first, growing
stronger through the years, in danger of being worn
thin at times, but strengthened again with special
care.... continuity! - Edith Schaeffer
No one can persuade another to change. Each of us
guards a gate of change that can only be opened
from the inside. - Marilyn Ferguson
We would rathered be ruined by praise than saved
by criticism.
Many people believe that admitting a fault means
they no longer have to correct it.
Traffic light: a trick to get pedestrians halfway
across the street safely.
Thrift: a virtue in your ancestors
Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. - Plato
Toe: a part of the foot used to find furniture in the
dark.
Ideas are such funny things. They never work unless you do.
All we know about ‘hard’ and ‘easy’ money is that
any kind is both – hard to get and easy to spend.
There is a lot of history which isn’t fit to repeat itself.
The students who work so hard to graduate later
wonder what the hurry was.
15
St Augustine’s Scottish Episcopal Church
High Street, Dumbarton G82 1LL
01389 734514
www.staugustinesdumbarton.co.uk
Email: [email protected]
Rector:-
Revd Kenneth Macaulay
([email protected])
Tel: 01389 602261
Mobile: 07734 187250
Treasurer: David Rowatt ([email protected])
Tel :- 01389 732341
Secretary to the Vestry: Janette Barnes (01389 761398)
Lay Representative: Tim Rhead ([email protected]) (01389 761676)
Alternate Lay Representative: Maggie Wallace ([email protected])
Fabric Convener:
Vacant Position
Project Development: Fran Walker ([email protected])
Trustees:
Tel:- 01389 761403
The Rector, Margaret Wallace (01389 757200), Barbara Barnes
Other Vestry Members: Barbara Barnes ([email protected]) (01389 755984), Margaret Hardie ([email protected]) (01389 767983), Janette Barnes (01389 761398),
([email protected]), , Roberta Mailley (01389 731863), Colleen Bell (07954 406837),
Linda Jenkinson (01389 761693), Gavin Elder, Margaret Swan, Rosemary McLeay
Regional Council Representative: Roberta Mailley (01389 731863)
Child Protection Officer: Barbara Barnes
See You in Late August!
the latest graphic of the new hall due for completion on 28th August.
Most of us are getting rather
excited now that the walls are
appearing, and the roof is being
fitted on to our new hall building. Our builders are promising
us that it will all be completed
by St Augustine’s Day, 28th
August, and we look forward to
having a big party at that time!
Let’s start as we mean to go on!
By late August, too, we should
have new boilers fitted to heat
the church, giving us a cozy
church, and a welcoming hall as
we enter into the annual round
of winter events! At least this
coming year we won’t need a
boat to get into the hall when
it’s rainy!