Features - The Tattler

Features
news
page 3:
Tattler Publishes
in Chinese
page 5:
It’s Friday!!!
page 10: Varsity Quidditch
School Improvement
page 6
to tattle.
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S fit
April 1, 2011 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 119 • No.6• Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com • Ithaca High School, 1401 N. Cayuga St., Ithaca, NY, 14850 • PRICELESS
Tattler
Publishes
in Chinese
55 Dead as Bieber Fever Outbreak Infects IHS
By MAO DEZONG
The Tattler will be publishing two
versions of each of its issues starting
this May: the original in English, and
another in Traditional Chinese. Distribution to the school, local community and subscribers will remain
the same with no additional costs.
The idea first occurred to the Tattler editorial board at the first meeting of the school year in September.
It became apparent that the board is
dominated by Asians this year, who
account for eight out of the 16 editors on board. Whether this was due
to chance or a predilection for Asians
by last year’s editors (who had chosen the editors for this school year)
is unclear.
After three months of heated discussion, the board was still divided
exactly in half over the idea. Those
who opposed were concerned about
political correctness and potential
accusation that The Tattler is racist. Those who voted for publication
of Chinese editions of the Tattler
viewed it as an opportunity to empower a group of students who are
clearly the minority at Ithaca High
and in need of any form of support
available.
The decision was finally reached at
the onset of December; the vote was
nine for, seven against. One of the
previously opposing editors decided
she would rather risk getting sued
than continue the discussion on the
merits of Asian empowerment.
More debate ensued over whether
publication should be in Traditional
or Simplified Chinese. Those rooting for Simplified Chinese pointed
out that China, with a population
of nearly 1.5 billion people and accounting for 19.5 percent of the
world’s population, uses Simplified
Chinese exclusively. Traditional Chinese is used only by Taiwan, a tiny
country barely the size of Maryland
and Delaware combined, that most
of the world cannot locate on a map.
The board voted to publish in Simplified Chinese, but the vote was vetoed by Editor-in-Chief Jade Fang
‘11, a Taiwanese native. The paper is
now decidedly printed in Traditional
Chinese.
continued on p. 3
PHOTO/PROVIDED
Fans experiencing Bieber Fever, who are are eventually rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead the next day.
By BABY MAYBE
has been placed on high alert, as Bieber Fever is incredibly
On Friday, March 25, ICSD Superintendent Dr. Brown
closed IHS and declared it unsafe. When asked for the cause,
he simply replied, “it’s the Bieber” and walked away. With
that, widespread panic ensued, as it was concluded that the
deadly Bieber Fever virus has been let loose in the Ithaca community. One parent is quoted as saying, “While that young
man does have nice hair, his infectious charm and dazzling
smile is dangerous.” Death tolls are rising, as over 200 have
been infected and 55 are confirmed dead. The community
contagious. Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of
emergency, and relief is rushing in.
Scientific studies show that the only way to combat the
deadly effects of Bieber Fever is to inject testosterone straight
into your blood stream. Supplies of testosterone are being
airlifted into Ithaca, and all residents are asked to stay inside
and not turn on the television. “One look is all it takes,” says
resident Bieberologist Clara Englehart. Particular channels
to avoid include: MTV, VH1, Oxygen, The Oprah Winfrey
Network and E!.
continued on p. 3
IHS Imposes Mandatory Study Halls
By SNORLAX
For many of us, study halls are synonymous with 45-minute naps. Or, for
those who are more productive, study
halls usually consist of a repeated series of yawning, toe-tapping and profoundly declaring: “I’m bored.” Seeing
the obvious benefit of study halls, IHS
has declared that every student must
have at least one study hall in his/her
schedule. What does this mean? Well,
for the majority of us, we get to enjoy a nice power nap in the middle of
the day. However, unfortunately for
those who are inclined to wear pocket
protectors and taped glasses, you will
have to forgo your Honors and AP
classes in favor of a far more intellectually stimulating atmosphere.
It is highly suggested that you make
the best use of your newly acquired
study hall time by learning how to fall
asleep quickly. Not only will this help
you catch up on your beauty sleep,
but it will also allow you to catch a
wink whenever your teachers tell you
to discuss your homework (which, by
the way, is teacher-talk for “I really
don’t feel like lecturing a classroom
full of hormone-crazed teenagers, so
just entertain yourself while I attend
to more important matters”). Or better yet, you should master the art of
falling asleep with your eyes open.
That way, when teachers give particularly lengthy and boring lectures, you
can just hone your newly developed
sleeping skills and blissfully doze off
for the rest of the period. (Note: certain people, particularly those who
tend to walk, talk, or hit people in
their sleep, should refrain from this
exercise).
Although it is perfectly acceptable
to relax during your newly acquired
study halls, some may be glad to hear
that there will also be a variety of
self-expression workshops to choose
from, such as “Let Your Inner Self
continued on p. 3
April 1, 2011 Opinion
Supreme Overlord
Jade Fang ‘11
[email protected]
News Editor
Larry King ‘51
[email protected]
Always Winning
Rehan Dadi ‘11
[email protected]
Centerspread Editor
Banksy ‘12
[email protected]
Come to the Tattler Applebee’s Fundraiser!
Help support the newspaper that you love to read!!
When: Sunday April 10th
Artistic Daad
Kyle Rothman ‘11
[email protected]
The Black Leprechaun
Geoff Preston ‘11
[email protected]
Penultimate and
Back Page Editor
(Missing)
Tickets are ONLY 5 dollars!
Tickets include 3 large pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon
and unlimited coffee or orange juice
[email protected]
Copy Editor
Luna Lovegood ‘12
[email protected]
The M ‘n Mzzz
Madeea Popescu ‘13
Mansi Vohra ‘13
[email protected]
Ask a Tattler editorial member for details
Layout Editor
Anna Gill ‘11
[email protected]
#!/usr/bin/perl-w
Yuqi Yang ‘11
[email protected]
Do you play an
Future Mrs. Justin Bieber
Julie Stover ‘11
[email protected]
Business Manager
instrument or
do magic?
We want you to perform at
Rock The Arts 2011! All acts
Zack
[email protected]
Sudoku Solution (Puzzle on p. 11)
Advertising Manager
Cody
[email protected]
Distro Bro
Katherine Hambury
‘11
[email protected]
Faculty Advisor
Deborah Lynn
are welcome to apply. You
[email protected]
can recite poetry, dance,
The Tattler is the studentrun newspaper of Ithaca
High School. The Tattler
was founded in 1892, and is
published monthly.
perform Shakespeare, play
music, and more!
If you’re interested,
please send an email to
[email protected]!
As an open forum, The
Tattler invites submissions
of opinion pieces and
letters to the editor
from all members of the
community. Drop off
submissions in H134,
e-mail them to
[email protected].
Letters can be mailed to
The IHS Tattler
1401 N. Cayuga St.
Ithaca, NY 14850
We reserve the right to edit
all submissions.
These submissions do not
necessarily reflect the views
of The Tattler editorial staff.
3
news
April 1, 2011
CHIINESE
continued from p.1
MANDATORY
continued from p.1
Out Through Spray-Painting” and “How to Express Your Anger Using Your
Fists.” Unlike regular classes, it is not mandatory to attend the workshops—
in fact, it is encouraged for students to skip class, which is considered to be
an unconventional form of self-expression.
On April 4th, students will receive notices directing them to their new
study halls. If you do not like your study hall period/would like more study
halls, you are advised to ask your teachers for permission to miss class for
the rest of the year so you can take self-expression classes. It is said that
this method works particularly well on teachers who teach rigorous classes—they won’t need to worry about you passing their classes anymore! If
you have any questions regarding the new school-wide policy of mandatory
study halls, please don’t ask. You are encouraged to write down your questions in your self-expression notebook.
A potential Tattler newspaper in years to come.
PHOTO/PROVIDED
The last question addressed by the board was how editors would translate the
writing from English to Chinese. As all students currently enrolled in or having
taken language classes would know, online translators are rarely reliable. “We
are considering hiring students from IHS’s Chinese class to help out with our
English-to-Chinese translations,” said Jade Fang ‘11, “but we may have to pay
them the Chinese minimum wage in place of the American, which we simply
cannot afford given our dwindling budget.”
reD Hair wOnDer
By URSA RUBER
School unity is the single most important thing in IHS. As seen in recent
Homecomings and the degree of support we gave to the Little Red, how we
all screamed and cheered during the
ceremony, there is no doubt IHS students are feeling the pride.
To further the immense school
spirit which already exists in the high
school, the administrators at IHS led
an immense research project funded
by Love Your School Inc., started in
2009. Administrators may now have
all the answers to building the greatest school spirit ever. According to the
Love Your School Inc. research project,
all educators should dye their hair red,
one of the school colors. Gold would
also be an option, but administrators
don’t want to foster the idea that all
teachers at IHS are “dumb blondes.”
So, starting in fall 2011, all educators in the building will be required
to dye their hair red, specifically Ursa
Rouge. The color will bring greater
unity and spirit to the school; in a way,
the teachers will act like school-wide
cheerleaders every day. Red is also said
to be a very attractive color, and will
hopefully make the more unattractive
teachers “hot babes.” And even better,
the dye lasts up to three years, thus
administrators will not need to worry
about constantly organizing salon appointments for all. Red tattoos and red
wigs of dreadlocks, curls, or mohawks
are also available for those who are
bald.
Hope you like Red, IHS! You’ll be
seeing it often.
right
send a telegram to:
[email protected]
FEVER
continued from p.1
The issue has gotten so serious that President Obama has intervened. He
has called on the Health Department to educate the public on symptoms of
Bieber Fever. “Bieber Fever is the loud killer,” President Obama said, “because
the teenage girls who die from it are loud, high-pitched, and annoying. I want
to punch myself in the face when I hear them—right in the kisser.” The list of
symptoms include:
1. High-pitched, spontaneous screams
2. Uncontrolled weeping.
3. Unprovoked jealousy towards any public figure that “looks at my Biebs
like some kind of hussy”
4. Forgetting, or choosing to ignore that Justin Bieber is Canadian
5. A dangerous spike in estrogen levels
6. Uncharacteristic aggression (example: Julie Stover ’11 saying: “If you hurt
my Bieber bear I will cut you.”)
7. Compulsive tweeting
So what does the culprit of this epidemic think? When reached for
comment the only words Justin Bieber could muster were: “Baby? Baby
noooooooooooooo!” With that, ten more people fell victim to Bieber Fever.
It really doesn’t take much, folks: always be on your guard. It is hard to know
how the Bieber Fever epidemic of 2011 will be resolved; hopefully the influxes
of testosterone will do enough to combat the spread of the virus, but until then
residents are warned. “These are dangerous times,” President Obama said in an
address on Friday. “We know the enemy, and we have faced greater enemies in
our history. We will prevail.”
for The Tattler
(and make it snappy!)
Features
Asians Prohibited
from IHS Library
By EUGENE WASP
In the previous IHS board meeting, there
was a general consensus among the administrators. After much deliberation, IHS faculty
members decided to bar Asians from entering
the IHS library, effective immediately. When
asked for their reasoning, administrators referenced an observational study conducted at
UCLA by local student Alexandra Wallace.
Her recent video release on Youtube, detailing her dislike of Asian conduct, provided
enough evidence for the board.
The recent video has been a controversial
topic throughout the web and popular culture. The webcam video shows Alexandra
Wallace, a perky, scantily-clad student from
UCLA, vlogging about the noisy Asians in the
library. The video consists of the girl mainly
rolling her eyes, speaking with an upwards
inflection, and smacking her lips (most likely
due to a salivary gland disorder). With gifted
rhetoric, she clearly defines her argument,
which is emphasized by occasional guttural
sounds.
Wallace states that the Asians at UCLA not
only speak loudly on their cellphones but also
bring their entire family members to the university as well. There, “hoards of Asian people at UCLA,” have parents do their laundry
and grocery shopping. Wallace further states,
with pride, that Asian students should be
taught “American manners” instead of having
their parents prevent them from “fending for
themselves.” While this highly intelligent girl
appears to be ranting, she brings up a valid
concern: Asian students are prone to frequent
family visits.
Anyone with even a slight understanding of
Asian culture knows how extensive an Asian
family tree can run. A couple can have anywhere from ten to twenty children, with each
child bearing at least eight more children. By
allowing Asian students to bring their families, they are bringing over millions of people
each year into the university. Considering the
total number of Asians accepted to UCLA
every year, this mass migration will not only
overpopulate the city of Los Angeles by millions, but also bring down the grading curve
(upon which many non-Asians depend). LA
smog will be even more polluted with the
emissions of their transportation vehicles.
As one can speculate, allowing such actions
would not only have ecological implications,
but also moral and ethical detriments.
Having recognised this, UCLA gave a grant
to Wallace in order to form an organization
titled the Society for Containing Asian Noise
and Causation (SCANC). This organization
advocates the prevention of Asian misconduct for the betterment of American values
and manners. Wallace is currently campaigning across the U.S. and pushing local referendums prohibiting Asians from using school
and public libraries.
A representative of SCANC set foot in
Ithaca last month and convinced ICSD board
members to implement this procedure. Now,
any Asian caught entering the library is to be
removed or escorted out of the premise. Any
Asian resisting or protesting can and will be
subjected to administrative hearing and have
their TI-84 confiscated. An IHS sophomore
exclaimed, “This is great! Now I can talk on
my cellphone and hear myself! Finally!”
Drones Over Ithaca High School?
By Tempest in a Teacup
The Tattler investigative team has uncovered a secret project by the Ithaca City School District to combat students cutting classes by using the most advanced
defense technology. Ithaca High School will serve as a
pilot project for this technology. If successful, it will
then be implemented in all other school districts nationally.
The implementation process will involve injecting a
biometric microchip in the blood stream of every freshman entering Ithaca High School starting this Fall. This
microchip will allow for the position of the student to
be detected by about ten small drones, which will fly
over Ithaca High School and its surrounding area at the
height of about 300 feet. The drones will be the size
and shape of the geese that normally fly over Ithaca,
and are designed so that they will not be noticeable by
most people.
An official from the Ithaca City School District who
does not wish to be identified noted, “The wars in Iraq
and Afghanistan will wind down over the next few
years, so naturally, defense contractors are looking for
new business. There are already drones at the US-Mexico border, but school districts clearly offer a large and
steady client base. They approached us for this demonstration project, and offered to cover our budget deficit for the next five years.” Another anonymous official
quipped, “The Ithaca High School teachers are fed up
with kids cutting their classes and hanging outside the
school. And the no-child-left-behind policy the Federal Government has followed cannot work if students
are not in class. So we think this is the best way to solve
our educational and budgetary problems, by killing
two birds with one stone.”
The Tattler investigative team has further discovered
that the drones will be housed in a miniature airfield,
located in a garage-like structure for a hangar and a
driveway for a runway, at the site of the former Gun
Hill Factory. This is seen as a perfect location, as it directly overlooks the High School, is on high ground to
allows the drones to be launched without much notice,
and is closed these days for renovation. It is also a symbolically appropriate site as a former gun factory.
The pilot project at the Ithaca City School District
will not be weaponized; it will simply find the exact location of the students and report it to the Principal’s
computer in real-time. The tiny microchip will be implanted in Gym class, under the guise of a friendly slapon-the-back by the Gym teachers. The project is intended to run secretly for the first two years. “We hope
this will put Ithaca on the map nationally as a center of
hi-tech, rather than a sleepy backwater in the middle of
upstate New York,” an enthusiastic official noted, adding “we will soon have the highest achieving students
graduate from our School, many of whom will stay and
make Ithaca a leading city for weapons development,
the only thing which the US is now good at.”
LITERARY LINGUIST
Eco-Oriented Words to Know
By The Baconator
Congreenient
The practice of recycling,
or being green, only when
convenient. A person who
only recycles when it is convenient to do so. I would have
recycled my Fiji water bottle,
but my plastic bin was full. I
guess I’m just congreenient.
Ecoblocker
A person who gets to drive
in the carpool lane because
they have a hybrid vehicle,
yet insists on driving slower
than everyone else. This is
especially maddening for
motorcyclists. Sorry I was late but I got stuck behind an
ecoblocker the entire way to New York.
Envirolicious
Organically grown and tasty! These home grown tomatoes are envirolicious!
Environmental-Indie-Hipster
The perfect balance of everything a college student
should encompass. An environmental indie hipster
recycles, doesn’t eat meat, dances wildly to non-mainstream bands, hangs out in coffee shops while refusing
to drink anything but fair-trade or rain forest-certified
coffee, eats local/organic food, buys all their clothes
from thrift stores, and at night tends to dance to funky
music while by day takes university classes on how to
save the world.
Greengasm
The warm and fuzzy feeling one gets after becoming
ecologically enlightened; usually induced by listening
to a ruddy south-westerner talk about off-the-grid construction, or watching a Discovery Channel film about
nature.
Recycledelic
Adjective used to describe
something old repurposed
into something awesome,
amazing and wicked-smart
new. Description for when
one finds a cool new use for
things that would normally
end up in a landfill. Particularly useful when discussing
thrift store fashion. Girl,
your old tank top tote bag
is recycledelic. Making electricity out of cow manure is
recycledelic.
Recyclopath
A person who militantly engages in recycling and is
so hostile to simply throwing away garbage, it borders on
mental illness. Pejorative for an extreme environmentalist. Leigh pees in a bucket and uses it to water and fertilize her garden–what a recyclopath!
Vegangelical
A fundamentalist vegan who goes around proselytizing vegetarians and omnivores. A vegan intolerant of
any other diet, or anyone who adheres to a diet other
than a vegan diet. I was eating a Baconator and she got
all Vegangelical on my ass.
Vegeprefarian
Someone who is for the most part a vegetarian, but
won’t refuse a bit of meat now and then. They might also
opt for certain meals without meat. Sally won’t eat that
steak, she’s a vegetarian. Sally: Oh, no it’s okay. I can eat
it. I’m a vegepreferian.
Vegesexual
Prefering partners with vegetarian or vegan lifestyles.
I could never kiss a carnivore, I’m vegesexual.
April 1, 2011 Features
A Song with Meaning
By WILLOW SMITH
an open-ended question for the listener. Do you live a life of joy, or let your life pass
by, unable to ever appreciate life? (In the end, Rebecca chooses to stand in the back.
It’s not every day that you come across brilliance, but today I stumbled upon a What a rebel!)
masterpiece—something that changes the way you look at life forever. Something
Rebecca tells us that “It’s Friday, Friday”—the moment we’ve been waiting for.
that you listen to once and never look back. Yes, you guessed it: Rebecca Black’s The chorus sounds deceivingly cheery at first, but the way she says “Yeah!” and “fun,
“Friday.” I, like you, was instantly moved by such mastery, but also had to ask myself, fun, fun, fun” sounds like so little fun or enthusiasm that it’s hard not to tear up at all
“What does this mean?” Well, let
the pain Rebecca must be expeme tell you.
riencing while singing this song.
The music video starts off with
If that isn’t clear enough, the
“Oo-ooh-ooh, oooh yeah, yeah,”
next line “Lookin’ forward to the
in addition to deformed depicweekend” clearly shows that Retions of Rebecca Black’s head,
becca isn’t having any fun today,
setting the tone of the song with
which is Friday, and can’t wait for
pain and struggle. The song then
the weekend to arrive. Rebecca
goes on to describe a typical
simply wants the day to be over.
morning, but the line, “Tickin’
This is again shown by the stanza
on and on, Everybody’s rushin’,”
in which she lists the days of the
indicates that this isn’t just any
week in a row. Clearly Rebecca
morning—this is the morning
knows her days of the week, but
that symbolizes her life. Rebecca
moreover, it shows that she isn’t
Black is troubled by the fact that
living each day to the fullest, but
everyone is wasting their lives,
always waits for tomorrow.
running through the motions, or,
From all these clues, you can
as she calls it, “rushin’” while time
see that Rebecca Black’s song is
keeps “Tickin’ on and on.”
strife with internal battles; a reNow at the bus stop, Rebecca
evaluation of her life as she learns
sees her friends and comes up
more about the world. She sees
with some interesting comments.
that the world is rushing past her
She describes them as “Kickin’
so quickly she can barely reach
in the front seat / Sittin’ in the
out and grasp life as she dreamt
back seat.” These are the two opof as a little girl. At the end of the
tions Rebecca Black has for life.
song we listeners must re-assess
“Kickin” symbolizes a life of acour lives and ask ourselves: are
PHOTO/PROVIDED
tion, filled with excitement and Rebecca Black making a life-changing decision in the music video for her song, ‘Friday’.
“We-we-we so excited” to live life
living life to the fullest, while “Sittin’” is throwing one’s life away. Rebecca Black then to the utmost degree, or are we going to be “Drivin’, cruisin’ / Fast lanes, switchin’
poses the question: “Gotta make my mind up / Which seat can I take?” This leaves lanes” for our whole lives? The choice is all yours.
School Officials Respond
to Computer Hacking
in College Admissions
By FOO BAR
As college admission notifications are coming out, the latest
polls regarding the characteristics of incoming freshmen are revealed. While admission rates have plummeted in the top colleges
due to the record number of applications, polls show that computer
hackers have had a significant increase in acceptance in some of
the most prestigious colleges. The admissions officer from Brown
responded, “I did not remember accepting so many people with advanced computer skills, but I am sure that these hackers will make
great additions to our incoming class.”
What was most astonishing was the incredible statistical advantage hackers had on school acceptance, an acceptance rate of
nearly 100 percent for those who mastered the art. Troubling to the
IHS senior class is the relatively low number of advanced hackers
graduating this year. When Superintendent Dr. Luvelle Brown was
confronted with this fact, he responded, “We have noticed the low
number of hackers in our school system and are currently trying
to remedy it. Due to these troubling numbers, we are doing all we
can in order to improve the chances of our graduating seniors to be
admitted to top colleges in future years.” Dr. Brown went on to cite
that he is promoting many new technology programs in order to
improve the computer abilities of all students.
These new programs will include technology exposure in all
classes. Students will be given the equipment and information
needed in order to hack into the grading system to improve their
grades in any given class. This will encourage students to have the
motivation to learn how to use the modern hacking systems that
will surely be useful later in life. Hopefully, by incorporating hacking into every class, students will be able to add hacking to their list
of activities to improve their chances of acceptance in top colleges.
When students were asked their opinions on the new measures
to encourage hacking, there was a mixed response. One student
stated, “I was planning on starting a business that advertised my
hacking ability, but with this emergence of so many hackers, I don’t
think I’ll be able to find many customers.” Another responded in favor, saying, “This new promotion of hacking will allow me to excel
in English class in ways that weren’t possible before.”
With the new plans already under way, school officials and students alike are bracing for the new concentration on computer
skills. Everyone is expecting the plans to help student performance
in class and acceptance into college. Hackers who are part of the
senior class noted, “It only takes a brief visit to the college’s admissions website to dramatically improve your acceptance rate at any
college.”
Restaurant Review: Pachel Bel
By JUELZ CHILD
As I stepped into America’s finest culinary establishment, Pachel Bel, located
in one of Ithaca’s more refined areas on
Route 13, my stomach was grumbling and
ready to embark on a gastronomical journey. My nostrils were filled with the sweet
smells of disinfectant and grungy hipsters
who sported their band-you’ve-neverheard-of pins proudly on the straps of
their messenger bags, and oversized red
headphones (that, for clarification’s sake,
were purchased on Amazon.com, not at
Urban Outfitters). I stepped up to the
counter, ready to place my order, only to
be greeted by the smiling face of Alejandro Younger ’11, who, due to his current
citizenship status, was restricted to working at Mexican restaurants. The many
questions I had concerning the menu’s
seemingly endless variations on cheese
food wrapped in flour tortillas were dutifully answered by a consistently chipper
Younger, who appeared to have no complaints with his admittedly gloomy position. After deliberating for what seemed
like a refried-bean-scented eternity, I decided on an authentic feast of one Grande
Cucaracha, a Volcano Explosion, and a
Chicken Cheese Chiuhaha.
As I waited for my food, I watched the
kitchen closely as employees scooped
mounds of meat with a consistency similar to that of aerated cat food onto a tortilla. Doubtful, I took my orange tray (at
this point loaded down with at least 4,000
calories) to one of the mopped-off tables,
silently lamenting at the noticeable absence of real booths. I tried to distance
myself from the other diners’ discussions
of Dada – and the downfall of American
society, as represented in their 37¢ Taco
Crunch Captain – and began my repast
with the Volcano Explosion. As I sunk my
teeth into the 0.03% percent beef filling,
my taste buds were overcome with the flavor of cat litter mixed with taco seasoning. The yellow cheese product flowed
like pus from the other end of the burrito. Moving on, I decided to try my luck
with the Cucaracha, but as I lifted it to my
mouth I spotted dark curly hair – its origin we will never know. Almost ready to
leave, I decided to give the Chiuhaha one
last chance, and as I bit into it, my mouth
was filled finally with the glorious taste
of MSG mixed with real Mexican food.
Partially pleased with a third of my meal,
I stood up to leave, and barely made it
out the door when my stomach dropped.
Never had I known that one could produce this much vomit from something
other than swine flu, but I became a believer that fateful day in the parking lot.
When I stepped into this unknown culinary territory, ready for a gastronomical
adventure, little did I know that the evening would end in a gastrointestinal disaster. After a day of speaking to the white
telephone, and upon deep reflection, I
decided that I would not be returning to
Pachel Bel anytime soon. While my meal
cost me only $6.23, the hospital bill put
my day’s grand total at $1,006.23. However: Ladies, if you are considering the
newly defined and popularized “Pachel
Bel Drive-Through Diet,” know that it is
for sure a much more affordable solution
than gastric bypass.
RIGHT email [email protected]
for The Tattler
centers
in
focus:
S
I
chool mprovement
The Quad Becomes a Habitat
By HOLLY WOOD
IHS was built based on a California school design. The outdoor quad was meant to bring students
into the sunny outdoors and enable them to enjoy
the weather a bit during the school day. Who ever
thought it would be a good idea to bring this school
design to Ithaca?
Now, music students heading to K-Building have
to endure rain, snow, sleet, wind, or whatever else
Ithaca weather throws at us in between classes. Clearly, this layout plan is not desirable nor appropriate
for a school in Upstate New York. If our school were
built from a more compact, efficient design, perhaps
we could shorten it to two or three minutes between
classes and be able to end the school day earlier.
Unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done
about our school’s layout now; it is already built, and
is in fact spreading out even more with its distant ABuilding and new inconvenient gym being built in
Deebs Field. However, what we can do is make the
best of a bad situation. And the administration is
planning on doing just that.
The “Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan, as it is known
to School Board members, is just in its beginning stages. This plan was the brainchild of several community
members who felt that various alternative schools in
Ithaca were outdoing IHS at hands-on “real experiences,” and advocated bringing more of “real life” into
the classroom.
Essentially, the “Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan is
based on the idea that the Quad is unused for most
of the school year. Besides the few students who traverse the paths as a shortcut between F/G/K and A/J/
C, the only time of year the Quad is used is during a
few weeks in the fall and the spring when it is warm
enough to eat lunch outside. Therefore, the idea of the
“Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan is that IHS might as
well make use of that sunny space by creating something academic that students could make use of yearround.
Multiple suggestions have been made for wise usage of the space, but the proposal that came out on
top was to make the center of the Quad into a sort
of garden. Now, don’t you worry about your picnic
The Quad, prior to its transformation into a garden.
space, kids — there will still be plenty of space to eat
in the grassy area in front of D-Building and near the
ramp heading towards the main office. The paths encircling the Quad will remain — in fact, one will be
added, linking H-Building’s path to the stairs entering the hallway between F and G. The center of the
Quad is what will be transformed — into a fenced-in
habitat. To simulate real life, AP Environmental Science students will take field trips to local woods to dig
up plants to transfer to our own habitat. Like a sort of
orchard, maple trees and pines will be planted, and
a pond will be installed by the new Marine Science
students (that’s a new elective that will begin to be
offered in the 2011-12 academic year). A few animals
will be adopted for our research purposes, including a
PHOTO/MANSI VOHRA
fox, a rabbit, a turtle, and a few squirrels. This miniature natural habitat will be an ideal study focus for
biology classes, and students will have hands-on experiences as budding wildlife veterinarians whenever
an animal gets injured or procreates. If, for instance, a
fish were to die in the pond, that would lead to a dissection lab in class. When this plan comes to fruition
in the fall of 2011, students will be able to experience
nature first-hand without leaving school property.
Administrators are enthusiastic about the “Bringthe-Outdoors-In” Plan, and encourage student input
regarding further improvements to the plan. Students
with suggestions — or any who are interested — are
encouraged to attend Site-Based Council meetings
for more information.
Segways for Security Guards
By HAWT WHEELZ
In the coming months the IHS security guards will be adapting the use
of Segways for in-school travel. The security guards seem to be very excited
about this new development. “I might
catch more kids without straining myself ” one commented.
Segways are small, scooter-like,
electric vehicles often used by business executives to get around in their
often large establishments. If they were
to be used in IHS they may be outfitted with a handy walky-talky holder in
addition to a very loud and annoying
horn. Since IHS can be considered a
fairly large establishment, use of these
machines makes sense.
Due to the fact that Segways run on
electricity, they emit no harmful gasses and do not require the use of fossil fuels. Not only can security guards
be more speedy and mobile but they
can reduce their carbon foot print at
the same time. The adaption of this
new technology sets forth some unique
concerns for school administrators
and security guards. If a security guard
Segways, shown as the Chinese Army’s main source of transportation.
were to persue a misbehaving student,
a number of issues could arise. Guards
may have to speed up the vehicle, which
could potentially cause a dangerous accident or the toppling over of another
security guard.
“Sounds pretty dangerous to me,”
commented one security guard. Another expressed concern about throwing out his back. Students may also be
PHOTO/PROVIDED
inclined to take these new vehicles for
a spin while evading a security guard.
In addition, liability issues remain a
prevalent concern.
To rich business executives, Segways
may be an economic buy, but it is not
the case for a poor school district.
“Perhaps we should ask local businesses for donations,” offered one administrator. This idea is currently be-
ing debated. In order to pay for the
Segways, vast amounts of money must
be taken out of the already strained
school budget. “We could cut the iPad
budget,” another school administrator
commented, “There’s no reason that
every kid in the district should have
one. I mean most of the pre-schoolers
just make crayon marks on them.” The
National Pre-schoolers Defense League
later sued her for deformation of character so this idea was soon scrapped.
Though most security guards welcome the idea, some Ithaca community
members and school district administrators remain indecisive on the subject. “This makes absolutely no sense,”
commented an IHS student’s parent. Is
the Ithaca community prepared to deal
with the new budget challenges ahead
if it means lots of brand new Segways
speeding through the halls of IHS?
Are you willing to make the sacrifice
of working on a hay bale instead of a
desk just so IHS security guards can be
a little bit more comfortable while they
monitor you? “Yes I am!” commented
one student, who is already planning a
Segway escapade.
April 1, 2011 Condom Vending
Machines
PHOTO/PROVIDED
Condom Vending Machines like this one will be seen everywhere, symbolizing safe sex and protection against STDs.
By TRAUX JAN
A new type of March Madness has descended upon the school – or so the administration
believes. In a surprise move, Principal Donald
Mills authorized condoms to be sold in school
vending machines. The rubbers appeared in
select machines during the last week of March.
“We want to encourage the kids to hold off on
having sex, but if they do it anyway, we need to
make sure it’s done safely,” Mills said when questioned.
Of course, this raises many questions. Will
anyone who goes to IHS actually get laid? Will
these condoms be bought? Will they be used
properly? Have they had a positive impact so
far?
“No,” said a traumatized Karl Mellander to
the latter question. Mellander is a math teacher
and has received harassment from various students, who have pelted him with the rubbery
contraptions. “I turn around during class and
one hits me. I walk down the halls, and if I don’t
look behind me, another one hits me. It’s driving
me mad. I can’t even confiscate them from students, like I could with rubber bands; they’re all
in the name of safe sex.” At the time of writing,
Mellander is out for his health, but is expected to
make a full recovery.
Other IHS staff members see the condoms in
a more positive light. “I think it’s great that the
high school is finally addressing the problem of
unprotected teenage sex. I know many people
who had unsafe sex while in high school deeply
regretted it later. This was a very simple step towards combating a serious problem,” said technology teacher Ian Krywe.
Students also have varied opinions about the
new options in the vending machines. “The staff
didn’t really make a big deal about it, so many
students don’t know much,” said Nika Maisuradze ‘13. “I know a lot of people are making
them into a joke, filling them up with air or water and such. I feel like if the staff had devoted
two and a half hours or so to an assembly about
condoms, the impact would have been much
more widespread.” When asked if he had ever
encountered a situation that required proper use
of a condom, Maisuradze declined to comment.
Other students have been more critical of condom vending machines. “This is a clear example
of the school administration wasting everyone’s
time,” said Tomer Grossman ‘11. “It seems like
the level of sexual activity in the school is pretty
low. Instead of wasting time pretending to combat ‘issues’ like this, the staff should be working
on bettering our education.”
The condom scenario raises interesting questions about school policy. If the school discourages sex so strongly, why are they making
condoms so accessible? If the condoms are not
bought up, what programs will the school cut to
compensate for missing money? Is the embarrassment factor of being seen buying a condom
really not going to be an issue? And, why now?
The school has not given any reason for the sudden addition to the machines, and the strange
nature of the change has led to confusion about
the cause.
New Traffic System in IHS
By STEVE JOBS
project, “It’s a massive undertaking, but it will create
a more efficient school transportation system and will
Oh, the horror! When you are stuck in crowded, make us the leader of technological innovations in
stinky G-Hallway with that a group of students who New York State high schools. I am ready for this chalinvariably block the hall; that one kid who keeps step- lenge.” Deborah Lynn, a physics teacher, enthused, “I
ping on the back of your sneakers with his feet; the love moving walkways and I am thrilled that I can use
kid next to you who has never seen deodorant in her one every day.”
life; the kid who doesn’t
However, these walkknow when too much
ways are not for fun.
Axe is too much Axe; the
They are merely a means
I’ll-just-make-out-andof competent transportagrab-my-girlfriend’s-asstion which should be apby-the-lockers
couple;
propriately used by the
the grumpy teacher; the
student body. The Board
dazed security guard
of Education has made
who’s checking his Faceit clear that tomfoolery
book — wouldn’t you just
with the vehicle will not
love to have an adequate
be tolerated.
traffic control system?
Some of the regulations
Some kind of awesome
are as follows: If students
techie contraption that
are found making-out on
would keep right, right
the walkways, tampering
and left, left? You bet.
with the device, walking
Courtesy of your geeky
backwards on them, ridfriends at Code Red, IHS
ing them for fun, falling
will adopt an LJ-023M
asleep on them, picking
traffic control system
their noses on them, tystarting in Spring 2012.
ing their shoes on them,
The system, designed
doing their homework on
by this year’s Code Red
them, giving wedgies on
Robotics team, contains Signs, such as these, are soon to be added in G hallway in order
them, fighting on them,
PHOTO/PROVIDED
moving walkways, traffic to regulate traffic to class
or making obscene noislights, and a sound system. The moving walkways will es on them, a loud alarm will sound, green lights will
direct students within G- Hallway, moving in three blink, and a giant net will fall upon the student’s head,
ways: from K to the library, from H to K and from H capturing them for ultimate punishment and public
to the library. Traffic signs will alert students when humiliation.
to “embark” and when to “depart” the walkways. To
Don’t fear, though! These new transportation goodensure maximum security while on the walkway, stu- ies, at a cost of $34 billion, will make the school a betdents will be required to wear seatbelts.
ter place, unite the student body, make Code Red more
Despite the complexity of the project, school ad- popular, and make us all obese lazy bums. And no need
ministrators are very optimistic about the project. to wait too long… in less than one year, at this very
Principal Mills stated at a preliminary meeting for the moment, you could be having the ride of your life.
Mascot Prospects:
A bear? A skunk? A lion? No, no, no. Our school has much more class, more taste, and more of a unique
style. Our mascot cannot and will not be a cliché animal or figure that all of the obviously inferior schools
choose to adopt. We will stand strong and choose a mascot that fully represents who we truly are as a school
and a people. As of Fall 2011, IHS will be represented by a new mascot, the one and only, Sandy the Strawberry.
Meet Sandy:
IHS’s new mascot: Sandy the Strawberry!
PHOTO/PROVIDED
&
Arts
Embrace your inner Van Gogh and let your
creative juices flow. Grab your marker, now go!
2012 Summer Olympics Come to Ithaca
By AMOLEL SCHCOARNENCS
vide an excellent attraction for athletes while preparing for their events.
In order to prepare for this popular event, the City of Ithaca created the
The 2012 Summer Olympics have been scheduled to take place in the Ithaca Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games to help oversee manworld-renowned Ithaca, New York. In 2004, six powerful, influential cities agement and infrastructure of the Olympics. The committee has decided to
were considered to host the Olympics, including London, Madrid, Moscow, use both new infrastructure and the ancient historical buildings in Ithaca,
New York, Paris, and Ithaca. After many
which date all the way back to the 1900’s.
examinations of all the cities by the InThe popular Ithaca State Theater will
ternational Olympic Committee (IOC)
be converted into a pool and used for
experts, it was determined that Ithaca,
swimming events such as the front crawl,
New York was the most ideal place to
backstroke, and high diving. Since this
hold the Olympics, for it was convenient
is the first time the Olympics have been
and the most good-weathered location
held in Upstate New York, many tempoout of the six cities. Other deciding facrary buildings, such as a gym arena for
tors that made Ithaca, New York the host
gymnastics, will be built along Route 13,
city were the beauty and cleanliness of
providing a beautiful, scenic overview of
the Commons, the organic vegetables
Cayuga Lake for the competitors.
available, and the local hemp stores.
Although many athletes are happy
At Ithaca, athletes have many fine hoabout being able to host this legendtels to choose from, including the downary gaming event, other citizens are entown Holiday Inn. And since the city is
raged at the idea. Many businesses will
in a great location, people from many
have to be knocked down and moved
states only need to take a short six- or
to provide room for the new construcseven-hour drive to see this event.
tion for the Olympics. Many locals are
Home to the Tompkins County Regional
also concerned since a few woodland
Airport, Ithaca also provides easy acareas, like Sapsucker Woods, will be
cess for athletes coming to the Olympics
cleared, cemented and paved to provide
from around the globe. All athletes will
room for the new arena. This could be
receive a free T-Cat bus card, an exama setback for Ithaca in its goal of being
ple of excellent transportation available
the Greenest City in the United States.
throughout the city. In their spare time,
Traffic along Route 13 and other main
athletes can travel to other famous and
roadways is expected to increase, further
interesting cities near Ithaca, like Cortupsetting many residents. Despite these
land, Elmira, and Trumansburg, to get a
drawbacks, the City of Ithaca is exceptaste of their exotic cultures. The educationally excited to host the 2012 Summer
tional Grassroots festival will also pro- Ithaca’s historical State Theatre is soon to host the 2012 Olympics. PHOTO/MANSI VOHRA Olympics.
Marshmallow Ships Sail the Finger Lakes
By MARCEL THE SHELL
For those of you who are unaware of this timely
tradition, let me open your eyes to the wonders of
As the weather warms up, athletes are prepar- marshmallow ships. The competition begins when
ing for the annual Marshmallow Ship Competition the sacred purple duck quacks. Athletes compete in
which takes place on Seneca Lake every spring. Re- teams of three, and begin the competition by buildturning champion Yudda Mann has big plans this ing a ship out of marshmallows. The only materiyear, as he plans to build his marshmallow ship in als that can be used are store-bought marshmalreplication of the Titanic. Other athletes, including lows (both large and small sizes), marshmallow
Justin Tyme, have high hopes that this year will be fluff, and 53 toothpicks. Each ship design must be
their year to win it all.
finished off with a cherry on top. Once each team
builds their
ship (they
are given
only 10,800
seconds
to do so),
one
person from
each team
brings the
ship to the
rocky shore
of Seneca
Lake. The
ship must
be launched
when the
purple duck
lays an egg.
Of course,
none
of
these ships
have motors, so the
ships must
be pushed
PHOTO/PROVIDED
The quack of the sacred purple duck signals the building of the Marshmallow Ships.
by a team
member (who swims behind the ship) until the
ship reaches the finish line. The distance that the
ship must go is approximately 5.251 miles. When
the ship and team member reach the finish line,
the other team members will be awaiting anxiously.
Then, the team must eat the ship in its entirety. The
first team to devour the ship wins. This is not a
sport for the weak of heart.
You might be wondering: how does one get into
the sport of marshmallow ship building, or, more
importantly, why? Well, the sport is one that often
flies under the radar, so few people know of its existence. However, the people who do compete do it
for the art, the tradition, and most importantly, the
grand prize of one of the purple duck’s eggs. Some
might feel that an egg is an egg, but the purple duck
lays eggs that, when eaten, may make someone immortal. There have been incidents in the past of
competitors trying to steal the purple duck. However, the duck is a professional black belt and can
defend himself quite well. While it is not a promised prize, just having the opportunity to become
immortal has gotten people perfecting the art of
making, and eating, marshmallow ships.
This year’s competition is sure to be brutal. With
Yudda Mann planning to make a replication of
the Titanic, other people may not have a chance.
But if the marshmallow Titanic does go down like
the real Titanic, other competitors will surely be
ecstatic. There are rumors that other competitors
are planning to build ships reminiscent of famous
World War II ships. Whatever ships end up being
built this year, I am sure that they will not disappoint. To these athletes, marshmallows are not just
a campfire treat – they are a reason to wake up
each morning and train for the important sport of
marshmallow ship building.
10
April 1, 2011 Sports Injuries:
What to Watch Out For
By PREP O’SITION
Sports, in case you have not
noticed, can be a dangerous occupation. For every tale of glorious success there is another of
tragic, and often painful, failure. We all know about the dangers of concussions and sprains,
but how about these other not
so well-known, but equally serious, sports injuries? The risk involved in changing the channel
or opening packaging should
not be underestimated by the
serious athlete—look at these
examples.
The baseball player Glenallen
Hill, an outfielder and arachnophobic, had a nightmare about
spiders while sleeping on the
couch. In his attempt to get
away from the “big bad spider,”
he crash-landed onto a glass
table, leaving his body littered
with shards of glass. Gruesome!
An equally gross accident:
Adam Eaton, Texas Rangers
pitcher, was trying to remove
the annoying security tape on
a DVD with a paring knife and
wound up stabbing himself in
the stomach.
Don’t underestimate making
lunch, either: Bret Barberie, former infielder, was making nachos with all the spices, including
chili peppers and hot sauce, but
he neglected to wash his hands
after touching the ingredients.
When he went to put in his
contact lenses, he felt a severe
burning sensation, and ended
up missing the next game!
Steroids and scandal have
gone hand in hand across the
landscape of modern sports
for decades, and drugs are very
much a part of professional
sports today. But this is another
kind of addiction: soap operas.
Chalk up goalkeeper David Seaman was an addict, and his bad
habit cost him. While trying to
tape an episode of Coronation
Street, a popular English soap,
Seaman pulled a back muscle
reaching for the remote. In his
defense, it’s one of the UK’s
highest-rated shows.
And, finally: the dangers of
winning. NFL touchdown celebrations have run the gamut
from weird to crazy, but none
were as foolish as Gus Frerotte’s
festivity. After scoring in the
second quarter of a game for the
Washington Redskins, Frerotte
went to headbutt the padded
wall just outside the end zone.
What he didn’t know was that
stadium wall consisted of a thin
layer of foam and a very thick
layer of concrete, which put
Frerotte into a woozy state. He
was then quickly ambulanced to
the hospital to get treatment for
his head injury.
Varsity Quidditch
By SALAZAR SEVERUS SLYTHERIN SWIFTSTICK
snitchin’ hard to beat.
The way that Muggle Quidditch works is slightly different than Wizarding
With the new Harry Potter movies coming to theaters and the growing anticipa- Quidditch, mainly for two reasons: for one, the sport is played on the ground and
tion for the last installment, Harry Potter fans at IHS have taken their love for the not in the sky, and secondly, the snitch, rather than a magical gold ball, is a teamseries a step further. Although students have formed mini “Harry Potter cliques,” mate who is dressed in gold from head to toe and adorned with wings. Other than
they’ve never been this serious about starting a Quidditch team at IHS. Even Ed these differences, Muggle Quidditch follows fairly the same guidelines as WizardRedmond, the athing Quidditch. There
letic director and
are three Chasers,
die-hard Harry Pottwo Beaters, and one
ter fan, agrees that
Seeker and Keeper.
a Quidditch team is
All in all, like the ficneeded at IHS. When
tional sport, there are
interviewed, the dia total of seven playrector shrugged and
ers on the team. The
merely stated that, “It
object of the Chaser
was bound to happen
is to pass the Quaffle,
sooner or later...and
generally a volleyball
why not now? It’s a
or dodgeball, up and
sport that combines
down the field in an
intellect, skill, and,
attempt to score a goal
well, magical powby throwing the obers.”
ject into one of three
Whether
you’ve
hoops of the opposite
memorized all the
team. The Keeper’s
books, love the movjob, as in the book, is
ies, or are looking for
to protect their team’s
a sport to play in the
three goal hoops.
spring (even though
The object of the two
it’s generally a fall
Beaters is to attempt
sport)—be the first
to sack the opposing
PHOTO/PROVIDED
of your friends to join Students at Middlebury College in the midst of an intense Quidditch match, similar to those soon to grace IHS fields.
team’s players by usIHS Muggles’ Varsity Quidditch! You’ve stared in awe at other people racing on ing tennis rackets to fling Bludgers, or wiffleballs, at opposing players. Also, Beatbrooms at Cornell, Ithaca College, and other various schools; now it’s finally your ers seek to protect their teammates by hitting away at incoming “Bludgers” that
chance to be a part of the true Harry Potter clan! In addition to practices every are flung towards them. The Seeker’s job is to capture the golden snitch,” or in this
night, Varsity Quidditch enhances and admires the value of J.K. Rowling’s books. case, a golden person who is sometimes released at halftime for a more intense
And to most people on the team, it’ll be more than just a sport—it’ll be a way to game..
connect with other Muggles, who, like you, spend hours in their rooms trying to
If you’re filled with excitement and are dying to try out (yes, there are tryouts
apparate.
just like any other sport), keep your ears open for announcements made on the
As for broomsticks, The United States Quidditch Association (USQA) has PA, because an opportunity like this is something you do not want to miss. Sooner
kindly chipped in to provide our school with the best of the best. The two com- or later you’ll find yourself at the beginning of your first Quidditch match like
missioners of the association, Remus Lupton and Minerva McGorman, both sent Harry Potter in Book One, listening to the cry of Rolanda Hooch before she blows
around 2,000 Cannonfire 7000 broomsticks, which are currently locked inside the the whistle, marking the beginning of the game. Come one, come all—show your
red storage facility near the tennis courts. Some Cornell students say that these love and support for the once fictional sport that has finally made its way to your
brooms are even better than Flaming Unicorns—which is, as we all know, pretty high school.
PENULTIMATE
The Insert
Sudoku
Apple customers are at high risk for infection.
In recent news, Steve Jobs has released a statement urging Apple users to
“terminate all accounts and recently bought appliances.” A newly developed
trojan virus called “FE_394” was unleashed through Apple company emails,
quickly spreading to the millions of Apple customers worldwide. On a global
scale, experts have been frantically working around the clock in attempts to
subdue the situation.
John Anderson, a computer science professor from Carnegie Mellon, has
concluded that the FE_394 is “an incredibly intelligent and sophisticated trojan.” His studies have revealed that over 9,000 social security numbers and millions of credit card numbers have been stolen within a matter of days. At this
current rate, the FE_394 can potentially further spread to PC and Linux users.
Jobs released another statement saying, “I don’t really understand how this
happened or why it did. I’m doing all that I can and hope that the person behind this will be stopped. But for the time being, I urge all those with affiliations with Apple to refrain from further usage.”
Recent SAT essay question is to be revoked.
A few weeks ago, the SAT essay question about reality TV has ignited cries
of foul play amongst students and their parents. Many students complained
that the question was far too obscure or was unfair to those without television
at home.
Finally, after many angry letters poured in, College Board has announced
that they are revoking the provocative SAT essay question. Instead, all of the
students from that SAT will be given another essay question to replace it. The
new test date is to be determined.
(Solution on p. 2)
Datorage is bankrupt.
Like Dorbers, the CEO of Datorage has declared bankruptcy. After a heated
lawsuit, Datorage was found guilty of using highly dangerous carcinogens and
large dosages of horse protein in the drink. After further investigations, the
FDA labeled the drink unsuitable, causing the company stock to plummet.
The popular beverage is expected to be taken off the shelves in the near future. The FDA later stated that any person or organisation caught distributing
or in possession of the product will be punished by law.
By ARDUOUS PIETY
On the chopping block: “The world is
going to end in 2012.”
2012. It’s the graduation year for juniors. Maybe it’s the year of the Dragon.
Or perhaps it’s the year when WE’RE
ALL GOING TO DIE. However, is this
actually true? Is planet Earth going to
be destroyed by the monstrous sun? Are
we going to be pummelled by flying asteroids? Are we going to be sucked into
a parallel dimension where only Ke$ha
and Rebecca Black songs exist?
Many scientific experiments have
been conducted by credible scientists,
many of which wear white lab coats and
mix brightly colored chemicals in clear
test tubes. Although many lab monkeys
and English cockney orphans have perished in vain over the last decade, scientists have stumbled upon an artifact
which has answered this enigma. Not
only does this grand discovery clearly
prove our demise in 2012, but also reveals how we are to die.
This ancient artifact is actually a topsecret U.S. document leaked by Wikileaks. This document, titled “SHT-9K”, was
published by Vladimir Lenin of the Soviet Union in 1923. Written in Russian, it
was stolen by an American spy posing as
a busboy to Lenin’s favorite pelmeni restaurant. While Lenin was chewing on his
pelmeni dough, the American “spilled”
a glass of vodka, swiftly extracting the
document from Lenin’s coat pocket.
Although the American was executed
for wastefulness, the SHT-9K was safely
transported to Washington D.C., where
it was translated and transcribed into
English by President Coolidge himself.
The results were shocking. Coolidge
was said to have fainted, and the SHT9K buried away in order to protect the
American public. Now unearthed, the
document can finally be brought to public eye. The SHT-9K states, “During the
winter of 1923, Chairman Vladimir Lenin was exposed to time travelers from
the future. Dressed in strange garb resembling a frumpy red sack with a hood,
two strangers extended their arms to
reveal a strange metal box with demonic
images dancing across its front. From
these boxes, white tentacles protruded
outwards and attached to nodes on the
aliens’ heads. As the Chairman was
greatly disturbed, he ordered all secret
nuclear missiles to be fired into the sky
where the travelers’ ships resided. However, the missiles missed, and flew into
the sky where it was unclear if they had
detonated or not. On the date of December 21, 2012, these hundreds of missiles
will finish their trip in the sky and impact
the Earth’s surface, thus terminating all
biological life.”
Life, as we know it, is going to end on
2012. Say goodbye to your grandmother
and begin building bomb shelters. If the
Russians had nuclear warheads prior to
historical knowledge, there is no doubt
that those missiles are still circulating in
the earth’s atmosphere, waiting to lose
momentum and fall back to Earth’s gravity.
The Verdict: FACT.
Expires 4/23/11.
FACT or FALLACY?
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Horoscopes
By ABBY NORMAL
Aries (March 21 to April 19): Wake up!
Today’s a bright, new morning and you’re
going to have a wonderful day!
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): You should
totally talk to that hottie you always stalk.
Use your best pickup line, awkwardly
scribbled on your sweat-drenched palm.
If they giggle, that’s a good sign. If they
laugh maniacally and point, even better.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): The lunch
specials today are actually edible. I guarantee that you won’t contract food poisoning.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Teachers
actually trying to make you learn? Viva
la resistance! The people have called for a
new leader!
wants a pickle. Chop chop.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): When you
return home today, your house will not be
on fire; neither will your pet iguana.
Sagittarius (November 23 to December
21): Arise my child, you are a special and
unique member of this loving community.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22):
You have been granted total diplomatic
immunity. March over to Lebanon and tell
them where to stick it.
Capricorn (December 22 to January
19): Act like Rebecca Black and everyone
will like you. Become Rebecca Black, and
everyone will love you.
Libra (September 23 to October 23):
Believe it or not, you have the power of invisibility. Now you can fulfill your lifelong
dream of being a nudist. Try it out now.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 19):
The Frisbee Club is giving out free cookies in Activities! Only available during 4th
period and 7th period.
Scorpio (October 24 to November 22):
The cast of Jersey Shore called. They want
their season contracts back. Snookie also
Pisces (February 20 to March 20): Your
lucky day is finally here! Everything you
know is true.
Ask Lirpa
Dear Lirpa,
My least favorite holiday is rapidly approaching: April Fools.
Every year, my friends pull nasty pranks on me. This year, I need
to return the favor. What are your favorite pranks for the 1st?
-All Pranked Up And Nowhere To Go
To All Pranked Up And Nowhere To Go,
Pranking is the best way to take revenge on your friends or
family. The reactions on their faces are absolutely delicious.
However, you must execute the prank in such a way that it will
improve the relationship, and not damage it. But why not take
the road least traversed? Here are some ideas to potentially ruin
your social life:
1. The Classic Pranks
If you want to go old school on your prankings, find a local
gag gift shop. They are sure to have pounds of fake dog poop, silly string, and everyone’s favorite: whoopee cushions. However,
you can get brownie points for pranking the gag shop itself. Call
on April 1st and ask for all the rubber chickens they have. Then,
show up with jars of pennies ... Canadian pennies.
2. Household Pranks
Running low on cash? There are plenty of prank-pulling materials in your general household inventory. There is nothing
more disgusting than washing your hair with Proactiv. Substitute baking soda for sugar in cookies, horseradish spread for
toothpaste, and if you are feeling really awful, substitute Grandma’s Sanka with a few laxatives. In fact, why not just tear up the
whole house from its foundation and feed the dog with C4. Your
mom and dad will thank you later.
3. Technologically Advanced
When dealing with the Internet or technology, the sky’s the
limit.... Beyond that, you’re likely to freeze to death. It’s pretty
hard to breathe beyond the stratosphere. Feel free to rick-roll
your friends or change the language on their cellphone to Korean. But that’s pretty lame, huh? If you want to go the extra mile,
give NASA a call. Inform them that you are going to redirect all
U.S. satellite communication to the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, unless the world pays you ONE BILLIONGAZILLION-BRIZZILLION DOLLARS. Touch the corner of
your sinister mouth with an extended pinky.
4. Facebook Pranks
If you are looking for a permanently recorded public prank,
Facebook is the way to go. Break up with your sweetheart, and
start a new relationship with their mother. Write distressing wall
posts about your cat, or have a flame war with your friend. Convince a random stranger that you’re the estranged child of their
father. Remember, according to the Golden Law of the Internet: Whatever happens on the Internet, stays on the Internet.
To further ensure that, change your friend’s password once your
wreckage is complete. Sit back and smile upon this successful
day.
Have A Blast (literally if you drove a car to school today),
Hummingbird
Saltalamacchia
College Decisions
FRIED EGG!
Muffins without
chocolate chips?
Female Asian
Drivers
Asian Drivers
SPAGHETT!
Making Tattler
Deadlines...
Lirpa
TO ITHACA HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS:
Butler Bulldogs
AS IT SEEMS, NONE OF YOU CHOSE TO COMPLY WITH OUR DEMANDS SET FORTH IN THE LAST ISSUE RELEASED
IN MARCH: WE DEMANDED PAYMENTS OF $25 TO BE PAID TO THE NAME OF THE ‘BACKPAGE EDITOR.’
HOWEVER AS YOU IMBECILES FAILED TO DO SO, SHE HAS FAILED TO REPAY HER DEBTS TO THE BROTHERHOOD
Following Through
AND HAS NOW BEEN ‘TAKEN CARE OF.’ THE BACKPAGE EDITOR IS NOW
IN OUR POSSESSION. DO NOT SEEK HER, FOR SHE WILL BE UNTRACEABLE.
WE ARE THE BROTHERHOOD. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE ONE. WE ARE EVERYWHERE.
Dadi-ism
FAIL TO COMPLY WITH US AGAIN AND PREPARE TO BE CONFRONTED.
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE OUR STRENGTH OR IGNORE OUR WORDS.
WE ARE NOT A FORCE WITH WHICH TO BE MEDDLED.
YOUR FEATURES EDITOR WILL COME NEXT.
--THE BROTHERHOOD
The Paranormal