Twelfth Night - Aspen Academy

William Shakespeare’s
Twelfth Night
In Plain and Simple English
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Table of Contents
About This Series Characters Comparative Version ACT I ACT II ACT III ACT IV ACT V Modern Version ACT I ACT II ACT III ACT IV ACT V Original Version ACT I ACT II ACT III ACT IV ACT V About This Series
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Characters
ORSINO, Duke of Illyria
SEBASTIAN, a young Gentleman, brother to Viola
ANTONIO, a Sea Captain, friend to Sebastian
A SEA CAPTAIN, friend to Viola
VALENTINE, Gentleman attending on the Duke
CURIO, Gentleman attending on the Duke
SIR TOBY BELCH, Uncle of Olivia
SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.
MALVOLIO, Steward to Olivia
FABIAN, Servant to Olivia
CLOWN, Servant to Olivia.
OLIVIA, a rich Countess
VIOLA, in love with the Duke
MARIA, Olivia's Woman.
Lords, Priests, Sailors, Officers, Musicians, and other Attendants.
Comparative Version
ACT I
SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords; Musicians attending
DUKE ORSINO
If music be the food of love, play on;
If music is what feeds love, keep playing;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
Give me more than I need of it, which, without having enough,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
The desire for love might starve, and then die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
That sound again! it got quieter and quieter;
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
Oh, it came over my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
That drifts over a field of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
Stealing and then giving away the scent! Enough; no more:
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
It is not as sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
Oh the spirit of love! You are so quick and fresh,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
That, no matter your depth
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Takes in as much as the sea; nothing enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
No matter how real and strong,
But falls into abatement and low price,
That doesn't become less and cheaper,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
Even in a minute: affection is so full of imagination
That it alone is high fantastical.
That by itself it is fantasy.
CURIO
Will you go hunt, my lord?
Will you go hunt, my lord?
DUKE ORSINO
What, Curio?
What, Curio
CURIO
The hart.
The hart [a kind of deer, but sounding like "heart"].
DUKE ORSINO
Why, so I do, the noblest that I have:
Why, indeed I do, the most noble that I have:
O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,
Oh, when I first saw Olivia,
Methought she purged the air of pestilence!
I thought she took all the poison from the world!
That instant was I turn'd into a hart;
In that moment I was turned into a heart;
And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
And my desires, like evil and cruel hunting dogs,
E'er since pursue me.
Have been chasing me ever since.
Enter VALENTINE
How now! what news from her?
So, what's going on? Any news from her?
VALENTINE
So please my lord, I might not be admitted;
My lord, I am afraid I was not allowed to see her;
But from her handmaid do return this answer:
But her maid gave me this answer:
The element itself, till seven years' heat,
The sun itself, unless after giving the heat of seven years all at once,
Shall not behold her face at ample view;
Would not be able to easily see her face;
But, like a cloistress, she will veiled walk
But, like a nun, she will walk with a veil over her face
And water once a day her chamber round
And spread salt water around her room
With eye-offending brine: all this to season
Once a day, in order to honor
A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh
Her love for her dead brother, which she wants to keep fresh
And lasting in her sad remembrance.
And lasting in her sad memories.
DUKE ORSINO
O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame
Oh, she has a good heart,
To pay this debt of love but to a brother,
To pay so much love and sacrifice just to a brother,
How will she love, when the rich golden shaft
How will she love, when fate and time
Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else
Has killed her ability to love anything else
That live in her; when liver, brain and heart,
That might be found inside her; when her liver, brain, and heart,
These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd
Those ruling thrones, are all occupied and filled
Her sweet perfections with one self king!
Her sweet virtues with one person as king!
Away before me to sweet beds of flowers:
Let me go now to sweet beds of flowers:
Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers.
Thoughts of love are richer when covered with garden plants.
Exeunt
SCENE II. The sea-coast.
Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors
VIOLA
What country, friends, is this?
What country, friends, is this?
Captain
This is Illyria, lady.
This is Illyria, lady.
VIOLA
And what should I do in Illyria?
And what should I do now that I'm in Illyria?
My brother he is in Elysium.
My brother is in Heaven.
Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?
Unless by some chance he is not drowned: what do you think, sailors?
Captain
It is perchance that you yourself were saved.
It was by chance that you yourself were saved.
VIOLA
O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
Oh my poor brother! And so maybe he will be saved by luck
Captain
True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,
True, madam: and to comfort you with how likely it is,
Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
Be reassured, after our ship split,
When you and those poor number saved with you
When you and the too-small number saved with you
Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,
Hung onto our lifeboat, I saw your brother,
Most provident in peril, bind himself,
Very wise and practical in danger, tying himself,
Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,
Courage and hope both inspiring him to do so,
To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;
To a strong mast that floated on the sea;
Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,
Where, like that mythical character riding the dolphin
I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves
I saw him fight against the waves
So long as I could see.
As long as I could see him.
VIOLA
For saying so, there's gold:
For saying so, here's some gold:
Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,
My own escape encourages the hope,
Whereto thy speech serves for authority,
Which your speech gives authority to,
The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
The likelihood of him living. Do you know this country?
Captain
Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born
Yes, madam, well; for I was born and raised
Not three hours' travel from this very place.
Less that three hours' travel from this very place.
VIOLA
Who governs here?
Who rules here?
Captain
A noble duke, in nature as in name.
A noble duke, who is also a good man.
VIOLA
What is the name?
What is the name?
Captain
Orsino.
Orsino.
VIOLA
Orsino! I have heard my father name him:
Orsino! I have heard my father speak of him:
He was a bachelor then.
He was a bachelor then.
Captain
And so is now, or was so very late;
And also is now, or was so very recently;
For but a month ago I went from hence,
For it was only a month ago when I left here,
And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know,
And then the rumor was - since, as you know,
What great ones do the less will prattle of,-The poor love to gossip about the rich, That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.
That he wanted the love of beautiful Olivia.
VIOLA
What's she?
What is she?
Captain
A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count
A virtuous young woman, the daughter of a count
That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her
That died about a year ago, then leaving her
In the protection of his son, her brother,
Under the guardianship of his son, her brother,
Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,
Who soon also died; and for whose sake,
They say, she hath abjured the company
They say, she has given up the company
And sight of men.
And presence of men.
VIOLA
O that I served that lady
Oh how I wish I served that lady
And might not be delivered to the world,
And would not have to face the world,
Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,
Until I had helped resolve this situation
What my estate is!
And found my fortune!
Captain
That were hard to compass;
The duke's situation is difficult;
Because she will admit no kind of suit,
Because she refuses any kind of courting,
No, not the duke's.
No, not the duke's.
VIOLA
There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;
You are both handsome and honest, captain;
And though that nature with a beauteous wall
And though nature often uses an attractive wall
Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee
To disguise trash, yet when it comes to you
I will believe thou hast a mind that suits
I will believe you have a mind that suits
With this thy fair and outward character.
Your attractive and kind appearance.
I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,
I ask you, and I'll pay you well,
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
Hide what I am, and help me
For such disguise as haply shall become
With the kind of disguise that would be helpful
The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:
For my purposes. I'll work for this duke:
Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:
You can present me as a eunuch to him:
It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing
It may be worth your trouble; for I can sing
And speak to him in many sorts of music
And talk to him pleasantly and cleverly
That will allow me very worth his service.
That will make him hiring me very worthwhile.
What else may hap to time I will commit;
What else may happen I leave to time;
Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.
Only keep my secret.
Captain
Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:
You be his eunuch, and I won't say a thing about it;
When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.
If I blab, may I go blind.
VIOLA
I thank thee: lead me on.
Thank you: now show me the way.
Exeunt
SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
What in tarnation is my niece doing, to react to the death of
her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
her brother in such a way? I am sure moping is bad for you.
MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
Truthfully, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier at
nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
night: your relative, my lady, has a lot of
exceptions to your ill hours.
issues with your bad timing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, let her except, before excepted.
Well, let her have issues before she is issued.
MARIA
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
Yes, but you must keep yourself inside the bounds
limits of order.
of proper behavior.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
Keep myself! I'll keep myself no better than I am kept:
these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
these clothes are good enough to drink it; and so are
these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
these books too: and if they are not, let them hang
themselves in their own straps.
themselves in their own straps.
MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
That drinking and guzzling will ruin you: I heard
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of that foolish
knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
knight that you brought in one night to try and court her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
Ay, he.
Yes, him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
He's as tall as any man in Illyria.
MARIA
What's that to the purpose?
What's the good of that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
Why, he earns three thousand ducats a year [that's a lot of money].
MARIA
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
Yes, but he'll only have a year in all these ducats:
he's a very fool and a prodigal.
he's a fool and frivolous.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
Nonsense! He plays
viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
the violin, and speaks three or four languages
word for word without book, and hath all the good
without having to consult a book, and has all the good
gifts of nature.
talents anyone could ask for.
MARIA
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
He is talented indeed: because he's also
he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
a fool, he gets into fights: and except for
he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
him being too much of a coward to really do
hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
all the fighting he wants, it is thought among the more careful
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
that he would quickly get himself killed.
SIR TOBY BELCH
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
By this hand, only terrible people
that say so of him. Who are they?
would say these things of him. Who are they?
MARIA
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
They that add, also, that he gets drunk every night with you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
Toasting my niece: I'll drink in honor
her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
of her as long as there is space in my throat and
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a dishonorable man
that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
that will not drink to my niece until his brains turn
o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
inside out on themselves with drunkenness. Woman!
Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enough now! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
Sir Toby Belch! How are things, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
Bless you, lovely lady.
MARIA
And you too, sir.
And you want this too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
Interrupt, Sir Andrew, interrupt.
SIR ANDREW
What's that?
What is that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's chambermaid.
My niece's personal maid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
Good Miss Accost, I want to get to know you better.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,-Good Miss Mary Accost, SIR TOBY BELCH
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
You're confused, knight; 'accost' means to front her, board her,
her, woo her, assail her.
woo her, go after her.
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
Truthfully, I would not undertake her right here
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
and right now. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.
Farewell, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
If you're going to be difficult, Sir Andrew, I wish you would
never draw sword again.
never draw your sword again.
SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
If you leave like that, Miss, I hope I would never
draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
draw my sword again. Beautiful lady, do you think you have
fools in hand?
fools that you are dealing with?
MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
Sir, I do not have you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
By Mary, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' please, bring
your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
your hand to bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
Why, sweetheart? What kind of humor are you using?
MARIA
It's dry, sir.
It is dry [as in deadpan] sir.
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass that I can't
keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
keep my hand dry. But what's your joke?
MARIA
A dry jest, sir.
A dry joke, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?
Are you full of jokes?
MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
Yes, sir, I have them at the tips of my fingers: by Mary,
now I let go your hand, I am barren.
now that I let go of your hand, I am done.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
Oh knight you're without anything to say: when did I
see thee so put down?
ever see you so put down?
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
Never in your life, I think; unless you see a canary
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
put me down. Sometimes I think I have no more intelligence
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
than any ordinary person has: but I am a
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
glutton and I believe that ruins me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.
No question.
SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
And having said that, I'll confirm it. I'll ride home
Tomorrow, Sir Toby.
Tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
Pourquoi ("why" in French) my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
What is 'Pourquoi'? Do or not do? I wish that I had
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
used the time studying languages that I have in
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
fencing, dancing, and watching bears fight dogs: oh, if only I had
followed the arts!
studied the arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
Then you would have had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
Why, would that have fixed my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
Definitely; for you see it will not curl naturally [he's making a pun about 'artificial' as opposed to
'natural'].
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
But it looks good enough on me, doesn't it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
Excellent; it hangs like spinning fiber on a wheel; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
hope to see a housewife take you between her legs
and spin it off.
and twist it off.
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
By my faith, I'll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby: your niece
will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
refuses to be seen; or if she does become willing, it's more than likely
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
she'll not want me: the count himself here is courting her hard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
She doesn't want the count: she refuses to marry above
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
her level, not in wealth, age, or intelligence; I
have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
have heard her swear it. Tut, there's still hope for you,
man.
man.
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
I'll stay a month longer. I am a man of the
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
strangest mind in the world; I delight in plays
and revels sometimes altogether.
and dances and parties all the time.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
Are you any good at these pastimes, knight?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
As any man in Illyria, whatever he is, under the
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
level of those better than me; and yet I will not compete
with an old man.
with an old man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
What is your particular talent, knight?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.
By my faith, I can dance.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And I can cut the mutton to't.
And I can compete with that.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
And I think I can do gymnastics simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
Why are these things hidden? Why do
these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
these gifts have a curtain before them? Are they meant
take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
to gather dust? Why do
thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
You not dance your way to church and come home in
a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
glory? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
so much urinate but in a fountain. What
dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
do you mean? Is the world meant for hiding virtues?
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
I did think, by the excellent structure of your
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
legs, that they were meant for dancing.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
Yes, my legs are strong, and they do well
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
in bright clothing. Shall we go about having some fun?
SIR TOBY BELCH
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
What else we should do? Weren't we born under the sign of Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus! That's sides and heart.
Taurus [as in the zodiac sign]! That gives me heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Let me see the leap; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt
SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire
VALENTINE
If the duke continue these favours towards you,
If the duke continues these favors towards you,
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath
Cesario, you are likely to be highly promoted: he has
known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
only known you for three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA
You either fear his humour or my negligence, that
You either fear his changing his mind or me no longer doing well, that makes you
you call in question the continuance of his love:
question the continuing of his love:
is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
is he inconsistent, sir, in his favors?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
No, believe me.
VIOLA
I thank you. Here comes the count.
Thank you. Here comes the count.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, ho?
Who saw Cesario, hm?
VIOLA
On your attendance, my lord; here.
Serving you, sir; here.
DUKE ORSINO
Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
Stand away for a bit, Cesario,
Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
You know nothing less than everything; I have revealed
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
To you even the book of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Therefore, good young man, walk to her;
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
Do not be denied access to her, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
And tell them that you will stand there
Till thou have audience.
Until she will see you.
VIOLA
Sure, my noble lord,
Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
If she is so full of sadness
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
As it is said, she will never let me in.
DUKE ORSINO
Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Be loud and rude
Rather than make unprofited return.
Rather than return empty-handed.
VIOLA
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
So if I do speak with her, sir, what then?
DUKE ORSINO
O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Oh, then explain to her the depth of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:
Surprise her with an explanation of my devotion:
It shall become thee well to act my woes;
It will be good for you to help my troubles;
She will attend it better in thy youth
She will react to it better from someone young
Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
Than from an older suitor.
VIOLA
I think not so, my lord.
I do not think so, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
Dear lad, believe it;
Dear boy, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
For they will still be tricked by your youth,
That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
That say you are a man: Diana's lip
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
Is not more smooth and plump; your slender throat
Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
Is like a young lady's, high-pitched and strong,
And all is semblative a woman's part.
And everything is like a woman's.
I know thy constellation is right apt
I know your destiny is meant
For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
For this business. Some for or five of you help him;
All, if you will; for I myself am best
All, if you wish; for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
When I am alone. Do well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
And you will live as freely as your lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
To call his fortunes yours.
VIOLA
I'll do my best
I'll do my best
To woo your lady:
To romance your lady:
Aside
yet, a barful strife!
Oh, but such trouble and distress!
Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
I am now in love with him myself.
Exeunt
SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
No, either tell me where you have been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
not open my lips even wide enough for a hair in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
giving you an excuse: my lady will hang you for your absence.
Clown
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world
world needs to fear no colours.
does not need to fear any colors.
MARIA
Make that good.
Explain that.
Clown
He shall see none to fear.
He shall have nothing to fear.
MARIA
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
A good solid answer: I can tell you where that
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
saying came from, the one of 'I fear no colors.'
Clown
Where, good Mistress Mary?
Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
In the wars; and it is very risky of you to say it.
Clown
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
Well, may God give wise people wisdom, and for those
that are fools, let them use their talents.
that are fools, let them use their other abilities.
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
Yet you will be hanged for being gone for so long; or
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
being fired, is that not as good as a hanging to you?
Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
Many good hangings prevent bad marriages; and,
for turning away, let summer bear it out.
as for being fired, let the summer weather take care of me.
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
You are decided, then?
Clown
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
No, I am not; but I have resolved two points.
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
That if one breaks, the other will hold on; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.
break, you will fall.
Clown
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
Appropriate, indeed; very approriate. Well, go your way; if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
Sir Toby gave up drinking, you were as witty a
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
woman as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
Quiet, you rogue, enough of that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
lady: excuse yourself well, you're the best one to do it.
Exit
Clown
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Wit, as it is up to you, make me a good fool!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
Those witty people, that think they have you, very often
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
turn out to be fools; and I, that am sure I do not have you, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
pass for a wise man; for what does Quinapalus say?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless thee, lady!
God bless you, lady!
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
Take the fool away.
Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
Don't you hear, gentlemen? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
Enough, you're an unfunny fool; I don't want any more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.
besides, you become dishonest.
Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
Two faults, lady, that drink and good advice
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
will fix: for give the dry fool drink, then the fool
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
is not dry: tell the dishonest man to mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
himself; if he mends, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
he cannot, let the butcher mend him. Anything
that's mended is but patched: virtue that
that's mended is simply patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
does wrong is simply patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
fixes itself is simply patched with virtue. If that
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
simple logical argument will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
what solution is there? As there is no true betrayal
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
but catastrophe, so beauty's a flower. The lady said to take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
Sir, I told them to take away you.
Clown
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
Inaccuracy in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I am
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
no idiot. Good lady, give me permission to
prove you a fool.
prove you are a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
Can you do it?
Clown
Dexterously, good madonna.
Skillfully, good lady.
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
Prove it then.
Clown
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
I must do so by question and answer, my lady: my good mouse
of virtue, answer me.
of good qualities, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Well, sir, since I have nothing else to do, I'll go along with it.
Clown
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Good lady, why are you mourning?
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
Good fool, I mourn my brother's death.
Clown
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
I think his soul is in Hell, my lady.
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
I know his soul has gone to heaven, fool.
Clown
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
Then you are a fool, lady, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
soul having gone to heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Does he improve?
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
Yes, and shall do until death comes to him:
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
infirmity, that ruins the wise, always makes the
better fool.
better clown.
Clown
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
word for two pence that you are no fool.
May God make you old then, and quickly, so that
you will become a fool more quickly too! Sir Toby
will swear that I am no fox; but he will not claim
that you are no fool.
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
What do you say to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
I am amazed that your ladyship is delighted by such a
barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
unfunny rascal: I saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
by an ordinary fool that had no more brain
than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
than a stone. Look now, he's out of his element
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
already; unless you laugh and give him purpose,
him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
he is gagged. I protest, I consider these wise men,
that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
that laugh like this and these kinds of fools, no better
than the fools' zanies.
than the fools' antics.
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
Oh, you are sick with self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
with a sick person's appetite. To be gnerous,
guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
guiltless, and free-spirited, is like taking those
things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
things as little pellet strikes that you consider cannon bullets:
there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
there is no false insult in an allowed fool, though he does
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
nothing but rant; nor no ranting in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
man, though he does nothing but criticize.
Clown
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
Now Mercury grant you blessings, for you
speakest well of fools!
speak well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman who very much
desires to speak with you.
wants to speak with you.
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
Did Count Orsino send him?
MARIA
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
I do not know, madam: it is a handsome young man, with several servants.
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
Which of my people are delaying him?
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
Sir Toby, madam, your relative.
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
Get rid of him, please; he says nothing but
madman: fie on him!
nonsense: enough with him!
Exit MARIA
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
Go on, Malvolio: if it is a proposal from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
am sick, or not at home; say whatever you want to get rid of it.
Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
Now you see, sir, how your joking gets old, and
people dislike it.
people don’t like it.
Clown
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
You have spoken for us, madam, as if your oldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
son will turn out to be a bool; whose son Jove crams with
brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
brains! For - here he comes - one of your family has a
most weak pia mater.
very weak head.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
By my honor, half drunk. What is he who is at the gate, relative?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
It is a gentle man here - I'm sick of these
pickle-herring! How now, sot!
[insult]! And what's going on with you, idiot?
Clown
Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Relative, relative, how are you so drunk this early in the day?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
[Mishearing] Lechery! I am no lech. There's someone at the gate.
OLIVIA
Ay, marry, what is he?
Yes, by Mary, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
Let him be the devil, even if he is, I don't care: give
me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
me faith, I say. Well, it's all the same to me.
Exit
OLIVIA
What's a drunken man like, fool?
What is a drunken man like, clown?
Clown
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
one drink more than he needs makes him a fool; the second maddens
him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
Go and get the doctor, and let him sit with my
coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
relative; for he's in the third level of drunkenness, he's
drowned: go, look after him.
drowned: go, take care of him.
Clown
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
He is still only a madman, my lady; and the fool shall look
to the madman.
after the madman.
Exit
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
Madam, the young man over there swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
you. I told him you were sick; he said he
understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
knew that, and therefore comes to speak
with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
with you. I told him you were sleeping; he seems to
have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
have also known that beforehand too, and therefore
comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
comes to speak with you. What should I say to him,
lady? he's fortified against any denial.
lady? He has protected himself against any denial.
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
He has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your
door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
door like a guarding policeman, or a piece of
a bench, but he'll speak with you.
architecture, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
What kind o' man is he?
What kind of man is he?
MALVOLIO
Why, of mankind.
Why, of humanity.
OLIVIA
What manner of man?
What sort of man?
MALVOLIO
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
One with very bad manners; he'll speak with you, whether you like it or not.
OLIVIA
Of what personage and years is he?
How old is he and what is he like?
MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for
Not yet old enough to be a man, but no longer young enough to be
a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a
a boy; the way a squash is before it is ready to eat, or a
cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him
flower bud when it is almost an apple: he is
in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
in that zone between being a boy and a man. He is very
well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one
handsome and speaks very cleverly; you would think
would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
he was barely grown up.
OLIVIA
Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
Let him come near: call in my maid.
MALVOLIO
Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
Maid, my lady calls.
Exit
Re-enter MARIA
OLIVIA
Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
Give me my veil: come, throw it over my face.
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
We'll hear from Orsino's representatives again.
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants
VIOLA
The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
Which one is the honorable lady of the house?
OLIVIA
Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
Your will?
What do you want?
VIOLA
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I
Most brilliant, exquisite, and incomparable beauty - I
pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
beg you, tell me if this is the lady of the house,
for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
for I never saw her; I would hate to waste
my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
my speech, for besides it being extremely well
penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
written, I have worked very hard at memorizing it. Good
beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
beauties, don't subject me to bad feelings; I am easily
comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
offended, even with the least sinister behavior.
OLIVIA
Whence came you, sir?
Where did you come from, sir?
VIOLA
I can say little more than I have studied, and that
I can't say much more tan what I have studied, and that
question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
question is beyond me. Good gentle one, give me
modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
some reassurance if you are the lady of the house,
that I may proceed in my speech.
that I may continue in my speech.
OLIVIA
Are you a comedian?
Are you joking?
VIOLA
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
No, my deepest heart: and yet, by the very fangs
of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
of evil, I swear I am not what I seem to be. Are you
the lady of the house?
the lady of the house?
OLIVIA
If I do not usurp myself, I am.
If I do not take over myself, I am.
VIOLA
Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
Certainly, if you are her, you do take over
yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours
yourself; for what is yours to give is not yours
to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will
to keep back. But this is from the job I have been given: I will
on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
continue with my speech praising you, and then get to
the heart of my message.
the main part of my message.
OLIVIA
Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
Come to what is important in your speech: you may skip the praise.
VIOLA
Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
Oh dear, I worked hard to study it, and it's very poetic.
OLIVIA
It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,
That makes it more likely to be faked: please,
keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,
keep it to yourself. I heard you were sassy at my gates,
and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you
and allowed you to come in instead so I could stare at you
than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if
rather than hear you. If you are not insane, go away; if
you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of
you are reasonable, be brief: I am not in the
moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
mood to be playing games.
MARIA
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
Will you sail away, sir? This is the way out.
VIOLA
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
No, good shipmate, I will stay in this port a little
longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
longer. Some peacemaking for your tall, sweet
lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger
lady. Tell me what you want: I am a messenger.
OLIVIA
Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
Surely, you have some terrible thing to tell, when
the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
you are being so outrageously polite. Get to the point.
VIOLA
It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
That's for your ears only. I bring no declaration of
war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
war, no demands: I am here with the olive branch
hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
this is a peaceful matter.
OLIVIA
Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
Yet you began rudely. What are you? What do you want?
VIOLA
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
The rudeness that has appeared in me I have
learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
learned from my studies. What I am, and what I
would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
want, are as secret as women's secrets; to your ears,
divinity, to any other's, profanation.
something divine, to any other's, something obscene.
OLIVIA
Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
Give us some privacy: I want to hear this "something divine".
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
Now, sir, what is your text?
Now, sir, what is your message?
VIOLA
Most sweet lady,-Sweetest lady,-OLIVIA
A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
An established compliment, and very good too.
Where lies your text?
Where is your message from?
VIOLA
In Orsino's bosom.
In Orsino's chest.
OLIVIA
In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
In his chest! In what part of his chest?
VIOLA
To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
To continue the metaphor, in the first part of his heart.
OLIVIA
O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
Oh, I have read it: it is blasphemy. Do you have nothing else to say?
VIOLA
Good madam, let me see your face.
Good madam, please show me your face.
OLIVIA
Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate
Has your lord commanded you to be able to
with my face? You are now out of your text: but
see my face? You are now out of messages, but
we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.
we will pull back the curtain and show you the picture.
Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't
Look, sir, this is the face I was given, is it
not well done?
Unveiling
VIOLA
Excellently done, if God did all.
Very well done, if God did it all.
OLIVIA
'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
It was made well, sir; it will endure wind and weather.
VIOLA
'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
It is a beauty truly made, whose red and white
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
Nature's own sweet and clever hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
Lady, you are the cruellest woman alive,
If you will lead these graces to the grave
If you will take these wonderful qualities to the grave
And leave the world no copy.
And have no child to carry on the looks.
OLIVIA
O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give
Oh, sir, I will not be so cruel; I will give
out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be
out several descriptions of my beauty: it shall be
inventoried, and every particle and utensil
inventoried, and every part and item
labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,
labeled in my will: as, item, two lips
indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to
basically red; item, two grey eyes, with lids on
them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were
them; item, one neck, on chin, and so on. Were
you sent hither to praise me?
you sent here to praise me?
VIOLA
I see you what you are, you are too proud;
I see your problem is that you are too proud;
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
But, even if you were the devil, you are beautiful.
My lord and master loves you: O, such love
The Duke Orsino loves you; Oh, such love
Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
Could simply be repaid, even if you were crowed
The nonpareil of beauty!
The absolute perfection of beauty!
OLIVIA
How does he love me?
How much does he love me?
VIOLA
With adorations, fertile tears,
With promises, many fat tears,
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
With groans of love like thunder, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA
Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
Your lord does know my decision; I cannot love him:
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
Even though I consider him virtuous, know he is noble,
Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
Wealthy, young;
In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;
Pleasantly voiced, free, full of learning and courage;
And in dimension and the shape of nature
And in physical appearance
A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
An attractive person: but yet I cannot love him;
He might have took his answer long ago.
He might have known my answer long ago.
VIOLA
If I did love you in my master's flame,
If I did love you the way my master does,
With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
Suffering so much because of it,
In your denial I would find no sense;
Your denial would make no sense;
I would not understand it.
I would not understand it.
OLIVIA
Why, what would you?
Why, what would you do?
VIOLA
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
Make myself a cabin out of willow wood at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
And keep my soul inside the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
Write loyal poems of condemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
And sing them loudly even in the middle of the night;
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
Yell your name to the echoing hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
And make the air itself
Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
Shout out, "Olivia!" Oh, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
Anywhere between the air and the earth,
But you should pity me!
Without pitying me!
OLIVIA
You might do much.
You might manage a lot.
What is your parentage?
What is your family?
VIOLA
Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
More than my fortune, yet I am doing all right:
I am a gentleman.
I am a nobleman.
OLIVIA
Get you to your lord;
Go back to your master;
I cannot love him: let him send no more;
I cannot love him: tell him to send no one else;
Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
Unless, maybe, you come to me again,
To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
To tell me how he takes it. Farewell:
I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
Thank you for your trouble: here is some money.
VIOLA
I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
I am not a mercenary, lady; keep your coins:
My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
My master, not myself, is not getting paid back.
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
May love turn anyone you love's heart into a stone;
And let your fervor, like my master's, be
And may your passion, like my master's, be
Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
Completely rejected! Farewell, beautiful cruelty.
Exit
OLIVIA
'What is your parentage?'
'What is your family?'
'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
'More than my money, though I am doing all right:
I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;
I am a a gentleman.' I could swear you are;
Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,
Your words, you face, your limbs, action and spirit,
Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:
Give you five reasons to be liked: not too fast:
soft, soft!
quiet, quiet!
Unless the master were the man. How now!
Unless that actually was Orsino. What now!
Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
Is it possible to fall in love so quickly?
Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
I believe I feel this youth's perfections
With an invisible and subtle stealth
Stealthily, invisibly, and subtly
To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
To creep into my eyes. Well, let it be.
What ho, Malvolio!
Hey, Malvolio!
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Here, madam, at your service.
Here, madam, I am at your service.
OLIVIA
Run after that same peevish messenger,
Run after that same badly behaved messenger,
The county's man: he left this ring behind him,
The duke's man: he left this ring behind him,
Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.
Whether I would give in or not: tell him I don't want any of it.
Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
I do not want him to flatter his lord,
Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
Or give him false hopes; I am not for him:
If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
If that young man will come back here tomorrow,
I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.
I'll give him reasons for it: off you go, Malvolio.
MALVOLIO
Madam, I will.
Exit
OLIVIA
I do I know not what, and fear to find
I don't know what I'll do, and I'm afraid to find
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
My eye too much a flatterer for my mind.
Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
Fate; show your force: we do not own ourselves;
What is decreed must be, and be this so.
What must be done is what must be done.
Exit
ACT II
SCENE I. The sea-coast.
Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN
ANTONIO
Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?
Can't you please stay longer? Or can I go with you?
SEBASTIAN
By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over
I'm sorry, but no. My luck has been very bad lately,
me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps
the awfulness of my fate may perhaps
distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your
ruin yours; therefore I will ask your forgiveness
leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad
and permission that I may endure my troubles by myself, it would be a bad
recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.
repayment for your love, to lay any of them on you.
ANTONIO
Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.
Let me know where you are going.
SEBASTIAN
No, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere
No, truthfully, sir: my plans are
extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a
not serious. But I see that you are such a good
touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me
person, that you will not demand that I tell you
what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges
what I want to keep to myself: therefore I am obligated to
me in manners the rather to express myself. You
explain things to you. You
must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,
must know about me, then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,
which I called Roderigo. My father was that
though I went by Roderigo. My father was that
Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard
Sebastian from Messaline, whom I know you have heard
of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both
of. When he died there was just me and a sister, both
born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased,
born in the same hour: if Fate had been kind,
would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that;
we would have died like that too! But you, sir, changed that;
for some hour before you took me from the breach of
for some hour before you saved me from
the sea was my sister drowned.
the sea my sister drowned.
ANTONIO
Alas the day!
Oh no!
SEBASTIAN
A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled
A lady, sir, though people said looked a lot like
me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but,
me, was considered beautiful by many: but,
though I could not with such estimable wonder
though I couldn't very easily
overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly
believe that, I will not consider it exaggeration to say
publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but
this of her; she had a mind that anyone could consider
call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt
brilliant. She is drowned already, sir, with salt
water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.
water, though I seem to drown my memories of her with more (tears).
ANTONIO
Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.
Forgive me, sir, for being such bad comfort.
SEBASTIAN
O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.
Oh good Antonio, forgive me for troubling you.
ANTONIO
If you will not murder me for my love, let me be
If you will not reject me for my affection, let me be
your servant.
your servant.
SEBASTIAN
If you will not undo what you have done, that is,
If you will not take back what you have done, that is,
kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not.
kill the man you have saved, don't ask for that.
Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness,
Goodbye at once: my heart is full of kindness,
and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that
and I am still so near the hometown of my mother, that
upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell
at least once more I will go and do something.
tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
I am heading to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
Exit
ANTONIO
The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!
The blessings of the gods upon you!
I have many enemies in Orsino's court,
I have many enemies at Orsino's court,
Else would I very shortly see thee there.
Or else I would soon see you there soon.
But, come what may, I do adore thee so,
But, no matter what, I like you so much,
That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.
That the danger seems more like fun, and I'll go anyway.
Exit
SCENE II. A street.
Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following
MALVOLIO
Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia?
Weren't you with the Countess Olivia just a moment ago?
VIOLA
Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since
Yes, I have walked at a fairly relaxed pace
arrived but hither.
and just arrived here.
MALVOLIO
She returns this ring to you, sir: you might have
She is returning this ring to you, sir: you could have
saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself.
saved me some trouble, to have taken it away yourself.
She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord
She adds, in addition, that you should tell your lord
into a desperate assurance she will none of him:
that she has absolutely no interest in him:
and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to
and also, don't you dare
come again in his affairs, unless it be to report
come back on his business, unless it is to report
your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.
how your lord reacts to it. Take the ring now.
VIOLA
She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.
She took the ring from me: I don't want it.
MALVOLIO
Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her
Come on, sir, you threw it at her, and her
will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth
decision is that is how it should be returned: if it is worth
stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be
bending down for, there it is; if not, let
it his that finds it.
him who finds it keep it.
Exit
VIOLA
I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
I left no ring with her: what does this lady mean?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
I hope she hasn't fallen for my good looks!
She made good view of me; indeed, so much,
She took a long look at me; indeed, so much,
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,
That I thought for sure she had lost her train of thought,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
For she spoke in a very distracted way.
She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion
She loves me, surely; the cleverness of her passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.
Is teasing me with this rude messenger.
None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.
She doesn't want my lord's ring! Why, he sent her none.
I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,
I am the man: if it is so, as it is,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Poor lady, she would be better off loving a dream.
Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,
Disguise, I see, you are a wickedness,
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
In which the devil can do much.
How easy is it for the proper-false
How easy it is for the illusion
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
To create an impression in a weak woman's heart!
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
Oh no, our weakness is the cause, not us!
For such as we are made of, such we be.
For what things make us, that is what we are.
How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;
How could this be sorted out? My master loves her dearly;
And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;
And I, poor monster, am just as fond of him;
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
And she, mistaken, seems to be devoted to me.
What will become of this? As I am man,
What shall we do? As I seem to be a man,
My state is desperate for my master's love;
I am desperate for my master's love; As I am woman,--now alas the day!-As I am a woman, -- curse the day! -What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!
What useless sighs poor Olivia must breathe!
O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
Oh time! You must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
It is too difficult a knot for me to untie!
Exit
SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
Come on, Sir Andrew: not to be in bed after
midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
midnight is to be up on time; and 'diluculo
surgere,' thou know'st,-surgere,' you know, -SIR ANDREW
Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
No, truthfully, I don't know that: but I know, to be up
late is to be up late.
late just means to be up late.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
That is incorrect: I hate it as something illogical.
To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
To be up after midnight and to then go to bed, is
early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
early: so that means going to bed after midnight is to go
to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
to bed on time. Doesn't our life consist of the
four elements?
[He means earth, air, fire, and water.]
SIR ANDREW
Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists
By my faith, so they say; but I think it instead consists
of eating and drinking.
of eating food and drinking wine and beer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
You are a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!
Marian, I'm calling you! Some wine!
Enter Clown
SIR ANDREW
Here comes the fool, i' faith.
Here comes the fool, by my faith.
Clown
How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture
Hello there, gentlemen! Did you never see the picture
of 'we three'?
of the three of us?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a song.
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I
Truthfully, the fool has a great set of lungs. I
had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
would be willing to pay forty shillings to have such legs,
and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In
and such a great singing voice, as the fool has. In
sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
truth, you did a great job of fooling last
night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
night, when you spoke of Pigrogormitus, of the
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: it was
very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy
very good, by my faith. I sent you six pence for your
leman: hadst it?
tip: did you get it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.
Come on; here's some money: let's have a song.
SIR ANDREW
There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a-That's a test of me too: if one knight gives a --Clown
Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?
Would you like a ballad or a drinking song?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A love-song, a love-song.
A ballad, a ballad.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, ay: I care not for good life.
Yes, yes, I don't care about a good life.
Clown
[Sings] O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
Oh my lady, where are you going
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
Oh, stay and wait, your true love's coming
That can sing both high and low:
Who can sing both high and low:
Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
Wander no further, pretty darling,
Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Journeys need with lovers meet,
Every wise man's son doth know.
Every wise man and his son knows this.
SIR ANDREW
Excellent good, i' faith.
Extremely good, by my faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good, good.
Good, good.
Clown
[Sings] What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
What is love? It is now, not after
Present mirth hath present laughter;
Fun now is laughter now;
What's to come is still unsure:
Who knows what is coming?
In delay there lies no plenty;
In putting things off there is no benefit,
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
Then come kiss me, sweet twenty-year-old,
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
Being young is something that will not last.
SIR ANDREW
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
A melodious voice, if I am a true knight.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A contagious breath.
A catchy tune.
SIR ANDREW
Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.
Very sweet and catchy, by my faith.
Enter MARIA
MARIA
What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
What wailing are you doing here? If my lady
have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
has not called up her steward Malvolio and told him
turn you out of doors, never trust me.
to kick you out, never trush me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's
My lady is a Catain, we are acting like politicians, Malvolio's
a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not
spoiling our fun, and we are three jolly men.
I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
Oh, we're just having fun! Aren't I her family?
Tillyvally. Lady!
Another song, "TIllyvally", Lady!
Sings
'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
'There lived a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
Clown
Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
My, the knight is doing an excellent job playing the fool.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do
Yes, he does it well enough if he feels like it, and so do
I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
I too: he does it more gracefully, but I do it
more natural.
more naturally.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'-[Sings] 'Oh, the twelfth day of December,'-MARIA
For the love o' God, peace!
Oh, shut up!
Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye
My masters, have you gone insane? Or what are you? Do you
no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
have no sense, manners, or honesty, but to chatter
tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
like commoners at this time of night? Are you making
alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
a bar out of my lady's house, that you are squeaking
coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
your rude songs without any attempt to keep it
of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
quiet? Is there no respect of place, people, or
time in you?
time, with you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
We did keep time, sir, in our songs. Keep up!
MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
Sir Toby, I must be honest with you. My lady told me
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
to tell you that, though she is allowing you to stay
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
as her relative, she has no loyalty to your faults. If
you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
you can separate yourself and your bad behavior, you
are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
are welcome to the house; if not, go away,
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
she is very willing to tell
you farewell.
you goodbye.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must leave.'
MARIA
Nay, good Sir Toby.
No, good Sir Toby.
Clown
'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'
'His eyes are showing that his death is near.'
MALVOLIO
Is't even so?
Is that so?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'But I will never die.'
'But I will never die.'
Clown
Sir Toby, there you lie.
Sir Toby, that's a lie.
MALVOLIO
This is much credit to you.
This is a true thing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go?'
"Shall I tell him to go?'
Clown
'What an if you do?'
'And what if you do?'
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'
'Shall I tell him to go, without flinching?'
Clown
'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'
'Oh no no no no, you don't dare to.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
Out of tune, sir: you are lying. Are you any more
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
than a steward? Do you think, because you are
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
virtuous, that there shall be no more food and drink?
Clown
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot in the
mouth too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
You are correct. Go sir, rub your chain with
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
crumbs. Some wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO
Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
Madame Mary, if you valued my lady's favor more than
thing more than contempt, you would not give means
you do, you would not help make possible
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
this rowdy behavior: she shall know about it from me.
Exit
MARIA
Go shake your ears.
Oh, enough of you.
SIR ANDREW
'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's
It is as good a deed as to drink when a man
a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
is hungry, to challenge him to battle, and then to
break promise with him and make a fool of him.
break your promise with him and make a fool out of him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
Do it, knight: I'll write you a challange, or I'll
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
let him know about the challenge by word of mouth.
MARIA
Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
Good Sir Toby, be patient about tonight; since the
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
servant of the count's was with your lady today, she is
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
in a bad mood. As for Mister Malvolio, leave me
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
alone with him: if I do not trick him
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
and make him the victim of a prank, do not think
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
I am clever enough to lie straight in my bed:
I know I can do it.
I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
Explain to us, explain to us: tell us things about him.
MARIA
Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
By Mary, sir, sometimes he is a bit of a puritan.
SIR ANDREW
O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!
Oh, if I thought that I'd beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,
What, for being a puritan? What is your excellent reason,
dear knight?
my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
I have no excellent reason for it, but I have a reason
good enough.
good enough.
MARIA
The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
that cons state without book and utters it by great
swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
notable cause to work.
He is uptight, a showoff, and things way too highly of himself,
and it is through that fault of his I will be able to take
revenge on him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What wilt thou do?
What will you do?
MARIA
I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
can hardly make distinction of our hands.
I will let him come upon some secret supposed love letters,
which by complimenting the color of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the way of his walking, the expression of his face,
he will find himself very emotionally described. I can write
very like my lady your niece: in fact we have gotten our
handwriting confused before.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent! I smell a device.
Excellent! I smell a great prank.
SIR ANDREW
I have't in my nose too.
I have it in my nose too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
He shall think, by the letters that you will drop,
that they come from my niece, and that she's in
that they were written by my niece, and that she's in
love with him.
love with him.
MARIA
My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
That is basically it, yes.
SIR ANDREW
O, 'twill be admirable!
Oh, that will be amazing!
MARIA
Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will
Much fun, I promise you: I know my strategy will
work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
worth with him. I will position you two, and let the
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
observe his construction of it. For this night, to
watch what he makes of it. But for tonight, go
bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
to bed, and dream about the event. Farewell.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW
Before me, she's a good wench.
She's a good woman.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me: what o' that?
She's a good woman who adores me, what of it?
SIR ANDREW
I was adored once too.
I once had someone in love with me too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
Let's go to bed, knight. You will need to ask for
more money.
more money.
SIR ANDREW
If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
If I can't get your niece to marry me, I will be in bad shape.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'
Send for money, knight:
the end, call me cut.
I'm sure you'll get her.
SIR ANDREW
If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
If I don't, never trust me, whatever you make of that.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
Come, come, I'll go have some more to drink, it is too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
to go to bed now: come now, knight, come now, knight.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others
DUKE ORSINO
Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.
Give me some music. Now, good day, friends.
Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,
Now, my dear Cesario, about that bit of song,
That old and antique song we heard last night:
That old traditional song we heard last night:
Methought it did relieve my passion much,
I thought it made me feel a lot better,
More than light airs and recollected terms
More than the lighter tunes
Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:
Of these fast-paced modern times:
Come, but one verse.
Now, just one verse.
CURIO
He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.
He is not here, the man your lordship wanted to sing it.
DUKE ORSINO
Who was it?
CURIO
Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady
Feste, the jester, my lord; a clown that my lady
Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.
Olivia's father much enjoyed. He is around the house.
DUKE ORSINO
Seek him out, and play the tune the while.
Go look for him, and play the tune while we wait.
Exit CURIO. Music plays
Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,
Come here, boy: if you ever shall love,
In the sweet pangs of it remember me;
In the sweet waves of pain of it remember me;
For such as I am all true lovers are,
For I am the way that all true lovers are,
Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,
Unsteady and wavering in all other motions,
Save in the constant image of the creature
Except in the constant view of the person
That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?
That is beloved. How do you like this tune?
VIOLA
It gives a very echo to the seat
It gives a perfect echo to the seat
Where Love is throned.
Where Love sits on a throne.
DUKE ORSINO
Thou dost speak masterly:
You speak wisely:
My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye
By my life, even though you are young, your eye
Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:
Has been upon something that it loves:
Hath it not, boy?
Hasn't it, boy?
VIOLA
A little, by your favour.
A little, if you would indulge me.
DUKE ORSINO
What kind of woman is't?
What kind of woman is she?
VIOLA
Of your complexion.
Similar in appearance to you.
DUKE ORSINO
She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?
She is not worth you, then. How old, by my faith?
VIOLA
About your years, my lord.
About as old as you are, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Too old by heaven: let still the woman take An elder than herself: so wears she to him,
Someone older that herself: that is how she wears to him,
So sways she level in her husband's heart:
So that she stays steady in her husband's heart:
For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,
For, boy, no matter how much we praise ourselves,
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,
Our feelings are more dizzy and unsteady,
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,
More intense, more changing, more quickly over
Than women's are.
Than women's feelings are.
VIOLA
I think it well, my lord.
I think it good, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Then let thy love be younger than thyself,
Then let your love be younger than you,
Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;
Or your affection will not be able to last,
For women are as roses, whose fair flower
For women are like roses, whose beautiful flower
Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.
Having been once displayed, fall that same hour.
VIOLA
And so they are: alas, that they are so;
And so they are: what a shame, that they are that way;
To die, even when they to perfection grow!
To die, even when they reach such perfection!
Re-enter CURIO and Clown
DUKE ORSINO
O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.
Oh, good man, come, sing that song we had last night.
Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain;
Listen, Cesario, it is old and plain;
The spinsters and the knitters in the sun
The spinning women and the knitters in the sun
And the free maids that weave their thread with bones
And the weaving women
Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth,
Used to chant it: it is silly truth,
And dallies with the innocence of love,
And speaks of the innocence of love,
Like the old age.
Like the old age.
Clown
Are you ready, sir?
Are you ready, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
Ay; prithee, sing.
Yes, please, sing.
Music
SONG.
Clown
Come away, come away, death,
Come away with me, death,
And in sad cypress let me be laid;
And in a coffin let me be laid;
Fly away, fly away breath;
Leave me now, leave me now breath;
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
I have been killed by a beautiful cruel young woman.
My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,
My shroud of white cloth
O, prepare it!
Oh, prepare it!
My part of death, no one so true
My experience of death, no one so true
Did share it.
Shared it.
Not a flower, not a flower sweet
Not a flower, not a sweet flower
On my black coffin let there be strown;
Be put on my black coffin:
Not a friend, not a friend greet
Not a friend, not a friend ever visit
My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown:
My poor corpse, where my bones will be thorn:
A thousand thousand sighs to save,
A million sighs to save,
Lay me, O, where
Lay me, oh, where
Sad true lover never find my grave,
No one can ever find my grave,
To weep there!
To cry there!
DUKE ORSINO
There's for thy pains.
Here's for your trouble.
Clown
No pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.
No pain, sir: I enjoy singing, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
I'll pay thy pleasure then.
I'll pay for your pleasure then.
Clown
Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.
Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid at one time or another.
DUKE ORSINO
Give me now leave to leave thee.
Give me permission now to leave you.
Clown
Now, the melancholy god protect thee; and the
Now, the gloomy god protect you; and the
tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for
tailor make your shirt of colorful taffeta, for
thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such
your mind is an opal. I wish men of such
constancy put to sea, that their business might be
reliability were put out to sea, so their business could be
every thing and their intent every where; for that's
everything and their intentions everywhere; for that's
it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.
what always makes a good voyage out of nothing. Farewell.
Exit
DUKE ORSINO
Let all the rest give place.
Everyone else leave us alone.
CURIO and Attendants retire
Once more, Cesario,
One more time, Cesario,
Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty:
Get to such ruling cruelty:
Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,
Tell her that my love, more noble than the world,
Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;
Better than tons of dirty lands;
The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her,
The parts that fate has given her,
Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;
Tell her, I value as wildly as fortune;
But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems
But it is through that miracle and queen of gems
That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.
That nature gives her, that attracts my soul.
VIOLA
But if she cannot love you, sir?
But what if she cannot love you, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
I cannot be so answer'd.
I can't accept such an answer.
VIOLA
Sooth, but you must.
Truthfully, but you must.
Say that some lady, as perhaps there is,
Say that some lady, as maybe there is,
Hath for your love a great a pang of heart
Has for your love such great pains in her heart
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her back;
You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?
You tell her so; must she not then accept the answer?
DUKE ORSINO
There is no woman's sides
There is no woman's resistance
Can bide the beating of so strong a passion
That can survive the beating of so strong a passion
As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart
As love gives my heart; no oman's heart
So big, to hold so much; they lack retention
So big, to hold so much; they don't have the capacity
Alas, their love may be call'd appetite,
Unfortunately, their love may be called appetite,
No motion of the liver, but the palate,
Not of the stomach, but the palate,
That suffer surfeit, cloyment and revolt;
That can become full or tired of the same taste;
But mine is all as hungry as the sea,
But my love is as hungry as the sea,
And can digest as much: make no compare
And can digest as much: do not compare
Between that love a woman can bear me
Between the love a woman can have for me
And that I owe Olivia.
And that I have for Olivia.
VIOLA
Ay, but I know-Yes, but I know DUKE ORSINO
What dost thou know?
What do you know?
VIOLA
Too well what love women to men may owe:
I know too well what love women may have to men.
In faith, they are as true of heart as we.
By my faith, they are as loyal in heart as we.
My father had a daughter loved a man,
My father had a daughter who loved a man,
As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,
As it might, possibly, if I were a woman,
I should your lordship.
I would love you.
DUKE ORSINO
And what's her history?
And what is her story?
VIOLA
A blank, my lord. She never told her love,
A blank page, sir. She never confessed her love,
But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,
But let the secret, like a worm in the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,
Feed on her health: she wanted him in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
And full of gloom
She sat like patience on a monument,
She sat like a monument of patience,
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?
Smiling in her grief. Wasn't this love too?
We men may say more, swear more: but indeed
We men may say more, promise more, but indeed
Our shows are more than will; for still we prove
What we show is more than what we can do, for still we prove
Much in our vows, but little in our love.
A lot in our promises, but not much in our love.
DUKE ORSINO
But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
But did you sister die of her love, my boy?
VIOLA
I am all the daughters of my father's house,
I am all the daughters left of my family,
And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.
And all the brothers too: and yet I do not know.
Sir, shall I to this lady?
Sir, shall I go to the lady?
DUKE ORSINO
Ay, that's the theme.
Yes, that's what I want.
To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,
Go to her quickly; give her this jewel; say
My love can give no place, bide no denay.
My love cannot accept any denial.
Exeunt
SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
Come this way, Sir Fabian.
FABIAN
Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,
No, I'll come: if I lose even a moment of this fun,
let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
let me be boiled to death with gloom.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
Wouldn't you be glad to have this miserly and ungenerous
rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
rascally sheep-biter come to some noteworthy shame?
FABIAN
I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'
I would rejoice, man: you know, he got me in trouble
favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here comes the little villain.
Here comes the [insult].
Enter MARIA
How now, my metal of India!
What's going on now, my jewel?
MARIA
Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's
All three of you, hide: Malvolio's
coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
coming down this walk: he has been over in the
sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half
sun prancing around at his own shadow this past half
hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I
hour: watch him, for the love of mockery; for I
know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
him. Hide, for the sake of the joke! Lie down over there,
Throws down a letter
for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
[Ed note: It is actually possible to catch a trout by tickling, but very difficult.]
Exit
Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told
It is only luck; everything is luck. Maria once told
me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
me she did have a fondness for me, and I have heard herself come
thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
this close, that, if she did fall in love, it would be someone
of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
who looked like me. Besides, she treats me with more
exalted respect than any one else that follows her.
high respect than anyone else that follows her.
What should I think on't?
What should I think of it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here's an overweening rogue!
Here's a preening jerk!
FABIAN
O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock
Oh, yes! He's such a peacock when he thinks,
of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
look how he dances under his spreading feathers!
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
I swear I could beat him in a fight!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, I say.
Quiet, I say.
MALVOLIO
To be Count Malvolio!
Oh if I were Count Malviolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ah, rogue!
[Insult]
SIR ANDREW
Pistol him, pistol him.
Shoot him, shoot him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, peace!
Quiet, quiet!
MALVOLIO
There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy
It's happened before; the lady of the Strachy
married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
married one of her servants.
SIR ANDREW
Fie on him, Jezebel!
[More insults and cursing.]
FABIAN
O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how
Oh, enough! Look how he's deeply in: look how
imagination blows him.
imagination carries him away.
MALVOLIO
Having been three months married to her, sitting in
Having been married to her for three months, sitting in
my state,-my splendor,-SIR TOBY BELCH
O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
Oh, I wish I had a slingshot, to hit him in the eye!
[Etc.]
MALVOLIO
Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet
Calling my offers around me, in my velvet
gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left
robes; having come from a bed where I have left
Olivia sleeping,-Olivia asleep,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Fire and brimstone!
[More cursing]
FABIAN
O, peace, peace!
Oh quiet, quiet!
MALVOLIO
And then to have the humour of state; and after a
And then to be the one in charge; and after a
demure travel of regard, telling them I know my
bunch of them honoring them, telling them I know my
place as I would they should do theirs, to for my
place as I want them to know theirs, so for my
kinsman Toby,-relative Toby,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Bolts and shackles!
[More cursing]
FABIAN
O peace, peace, peace! now, now.
Oh quiet, quiet, quiet! Now, now.
MALVOLIO
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make
Seven of my people, obediently, make
out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind
their way to him: I frown all the time; and maybe
up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
play with some expensive jewel of mine. Toby
approaches; courtesies there to me,-comes near; bows to me,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall this fellow live?
Should we kill him?
FABIAN
Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
No matter what, quiet.
MALVOLIO
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar
I reach my hand out to him like this, keeping down my familiar
smile with an austere regard of control,-smile with my dignified control, -Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on
Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fate having brought me to your
your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'-niece giving me this reason to speak,' -SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what?
What now?
MALVOLIO
'You must amend your drunkenness.'
'You must control your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out, scab!
[More insults.]
FABIAN
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
No, patience, or else we will ruin our plot.
MALVOLIO
'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
'Besides, you waste your valuable time with
a foolish knight,'-a silly knight,'-SIR ANDREW
That's me, I warrant you.
That's me, I bet.
MALVOLIO
'One Sir Andrew,'-'That Sir Andrew,'-SIR ANDREW
I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
I knew it was me; because many call me a fool.
MALVOLIO
What employment have we here?
What do we have here?
Taking up the letter
FABIAN
Now is the woodcock near the gin.
Now the bird is near the trap.
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading
Oh, quiet! And I hope he reads
aloud to him!
aloud!
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
By my life, this is my lady's handwriting; these are her
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
own C's, her U's and her T's and that's how she makes her
great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
large P's. It is, without a doubt, her handwriting.
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
Her C's, her U's, and her T's, what is that for?
MALVOLIO
[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
'To the one who does not know I love them, this, and my good
wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
wishes:' -- her own ways of writing! By your permission, wax.
Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
Soft! And the mark of her ring, with which she
uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
It even uses her wax seal! It must be her. To whom is it written?
FABIAN
This wins him, liver and all.
He's fallen for it.
MALVOLIO
[Reads] Jove knows I love: But who?
God knows I love. But who?
Lips, do not move;
I must stay silent;
No man must know.
No man can know.
'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers
'No man can know.' What comes after? The numbers
altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be
changed! 'No man must no:' if this turns out to be
thee, Malvolio?
you, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Marry, hang thee, brock!
[More curses and insults.]
MALVOLIO
[Reads] I may command where I adore;
I may give orders where I love;
But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
But silence, like a sharp dagger,
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
Bloodlessly stabs at my heart:
M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
M, O, A, I rules my life.
FABIAN
A fustian riddle!
What a great trick!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent wench, say I.
A great woman, I say.
MALVOLIO
M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
M,O,A,I; this coded message is not just like earlier,
yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
yet, it seems to be me, because
every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!
each one of these letters are in my name. Quiet!
here follows prose.
there is some prose now.
Reads
Reads aloud.
'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
'If this falls into your hands, change. In my birth I
am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
am above you; but do not be afraid of greatness: some
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
are born great, some reach greatness, and some
have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
have greatness pushed upon them. Your fate opens
their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;
its hands; let your blood and spirit embrace them;
and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,
and, to make yourself ready for what you are likely to be,
cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be
shed your humble skin and appear fresh. Be
opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let
a jerk with a family member, rude with servants; let
thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into
you make lots of arguments and get into fights
the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee
this is her advice, the one
that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
that is in love with you. Remember who praised your
yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
yellow stockings, and always wanted to see them
cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
criss-crossed: I say, remember. Go no, you are
made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see
made, if you want to be; if not, let me see
thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and
you still a steward, one of the servants, and
not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
not worth of good fortune. Fareell.
She that would alter services with thee,
She that would change her relationship with you,
THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
The Lucky-Sad.'
Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is
There does not seem to be any more to this letter.
open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,
I will be haughty, I will read political authors,
I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross
I will confuse Sir Toby, I will get rid of casual
acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.
friendships, I will be in every way the man she wants.
I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade
I am not fooling myself, to let imagination change
me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady
me; all the evidence points to this, that my lady
loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
loves me. She did praise my recent yellow stockings,
late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
she did praise me wearing criss-cross garters;
and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
and in this she shows her love for me, and
with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
with a kind of command pushes me to these habits
of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
that she likes. I thank my lucky stars I am happy. I will
be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and
act strange, strong, in yellow stockings, and
cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
cross-gartered, as soon as I can put them on.
on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
Jove and my lucky stars be thanked! Here there is still a
postscript.
P.S.
Reads
'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
You cannot choose to not to know who I am. If you
entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;
return my love, let it appear in your smiling;
thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
you look good when you smile; therefore in my
presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
presence smile always, my sweetheart, please.'
Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
Thank Jove: I will smile; I will do
everything that thou wilt have me.
everything that you want from me.
Exit
FABIAN
I will not give my part of this sport for a pension
I would not give up my portion of this fun for even a pension
of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
of thousands to be paid from the state bank.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I could marry this wench for this device.
I could marry this woman for this idea.
SIR ANDREW
So could I too.
I could too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
And ask no other dowry from her but another joke like this.
SIR ANDREW
Nor I neither.
Me neither.
FABIAN
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Here comes my noble prankster.
Re-enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
Will you put your foot on my neck?
SIR ANDREW
Or o' mine either?
Or on mine either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy bond-slave?
Shall I get rid of my freedom, and become your slave?
SIR ANDREW
I' faith, or I either?
By my faith, me too?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when
Why, you have put in him such a dream, that when
the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
he loses it he must go crazy.
MARIA
Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
No, but tell me; is it working?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
Yes, amazingly well.
MARIA
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark
If you will then see the results of the fun, watch
his first approach before my lady: he will come to
his first approach to my lady: he will come to her
her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she
in yellow stockings, and it is a color she
abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
hates, and cross-gartered, a style she hates;
and he will smile upon her, which will now be so
and he will smile at her, which will now be so
unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
unsuitable to her preferences, as she is so fond
melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him
of gloominess, that it can't do anything but turn him
into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
into something she hates. If you want to see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
I would follow you anywhere!
SIR ANDREW
I'll make one too.
Me too.
Exeunt
ACT III
SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour
VIOLA
Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by
Save you, friend, and your music: do you live by
thy tabour?
your tabour [a type of musical instrument]?
Clown
No, sir, I live by the church.
No, sir, I live by the church.
VIOLA
Art thou a churchman?
Are you a church man?
Clown
No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for
No, no, sir: I do live by the church; for
I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by
I live at my house, and my house stands by
the church.
the church [he means the actual building].
VIOLA
So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a
By that logic you may say that a king lies by a beggar, if a
beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy
beggar lives near him; or that the church stands by your
tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.
tabour, if your tabour stands by the church.
Clown
You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is
Good point. These times we live in! A sentence is
but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the
just a glove over a clever mind: how quickly the
wrong side may be turned outward!
misunderstood meaning may be taken!
VIOLA
Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with
No, that's certain; those that use words very precisely
words may quickly make them wanton.
will quickly make them wild.
Clown
I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.
I would prefer, therefore, that my sister had no name, sir.
VIOLA
Why, man?
Why?
Clown
Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that
Why, sir, her name is a word, and to mess around with that
word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words
word might make my sister a hussy. But indeed words
are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.
are very rascals since they were disgraced.
VIOLA
Thy reason, man?
Your reason, man?
Clown
Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and
Truthfully sir, I can't give you any without words; and
words are grown so false, I am loath to prove
since words have become so false, I would hate to prove
reason with them.
reason with them.
VIOLA
I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.
I believe you are a cheerful fellow and have no cares.
Clown
Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my
No, sir, I do care for something; but in my
conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be
conscience, sir, I do not have feelings for you one way or another: if that means
to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.
to care for nothing, sir, I wish it would make you invisible.
VIOLA
Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
Aren't you the Lady Olivia's fool?
Clown
No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she
No, indeed, sir, the Lady Olivia has no foolishness: she
will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and
will keep no fool, sir, until she is married; and
fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to
fools are like husbands the way pilchards [a kind of small fish] are like
herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not
herrings; husbands are bigger ones: I am indeed not
her fool, but her corrupter of words.
her fool, but her man in charge of wordplay.
VIOLA
I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.
I saw you at the Count Orsino's.
Clown
Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,
Foolery, sir, walks around the sky like the sun does,
it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but
it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, except
the fool should be as oft with your master as with
The fool should be as often with your master as with
my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.
my mistress: I think I saw there how wise you are.
VIOLA
Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
No, leave me alone, I won't deal with you any loner.
Hold, there's expenses for thee.
Hold, here's some money.
Clown
Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
Now may Jove, in his next distribution of hair, send you a beard!
VIOLA
By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for
Truthfully, I'll tell you, I am almost sick for
one;
Aside
though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy
though it would not grow on my chin. Is your
lady within?
lady inside?
CLOWN
My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you
My lady is inside, sir. I will tell them from where you
come; who you are and what you would are out of my
come; who you are and what you want are out of my
welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.
sky, I might say 'element', but the word is overused.
Exit
VIOLA
This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;
This fellow is wise enough to act like a fool;
And to do that well craves a kind of wit:
And to do that well requires a kind of intelligence:
He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
He must observe the moods of the people he jokes towards,
The quality of persons, and the time,
The nature of people, and the time,
And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather
And, like a hatmaker, check carefully every feather
That comes before his eye. This is a practise
That comes in front of his eye. This is a practice
As full of labour as a wise man's art
As full of labor as a wise man's skill
For folly that he wisely shows is fit;
For the follow that he wisely shows fits;
But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.
But wise men, when they act as fools, ruin their wit.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
Save you, gentleman.
Good day, gentleman.
VIOLA
And you, sir.
And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous
Will you come into the house? My niece wants
you should enter, if your trade be to her.
you to enter, if your job is to see her.
VIOLA
I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the
I am required to visit your niece, sir; I mean that is the
list of my voyage.
purpose of my trip.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.
Try your legs, sir; get them moving.
VIOLA
My legs do better understand me, sir, than I
My legs do understand me better, sir, than I
understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.
understand what you mean by telling me to taste my legs.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I mean, to go, sir, to enter.
I mean, go on, sir, enter.
VIOLA
I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we
I will answer you with walking and entering. But we are prevented.
are interrupted.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain
Amazing and talented lady, may the heavens rain
odours on you!
fragrances on you!
SIR ANDREW
That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.
That youth's an unusual nobleman: 'Rain fragrances;' well.
OLIVIA
Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.
Shut the garden door, and leave us alone.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA
Give me your hand, sir.
Give me your hand, sir.
VIOLA
My duty, madam, and most humble service.
I give you my service humbly, madam.
OLIVIA
What is your name?
What's your name?
VIOLA
Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
Cesario is your servant's name, beautiful princess.
OLIVIA
My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world
My servant, sir! There was never such a silly world
Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment:
Since such pretending was called a compliment:
You're servant to the Count Orsino, youth.
You're a servant to Count Orsino, young man.
VIOLA
And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:
And he is yours, and his must also be yours;
Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
The servant of your servant is your servant, madam.
OLIVIA
For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,
For him, I do not think of him: as for his thoughts,
Would they were blanks, rather than fill'd with me!
If only they were blank, rather than filled with me!
VIOLA
Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts
Madam, I come to sharpen your gentle thoughts
On his behalf.
For his sake.
OLIVIA
O, by your leave, I pray you,
Oh please, I beg you,
I bade you never speak again of him:
I told you to never speak of him again:
But, would you undertake another suit,
But if instead you were to do another kind of courting,
I had rather hear you to solicit that
I would rather hear you do that
Than music from the spheres.
Than listen to heavenly music.
VIOLA
Dear lady,-My dear lady,-OLIVIA
Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,
Give me permission, please. I did send,
After the last enchantment you did here,
After the last time you were here,
A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse
A ring to chase after you: and that's how I abused
Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:
Myself, my servant, and, I'm afraid, you:
Under your hard construction must I sit,
Under your heart heart I must sit,
To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,
To force that on you, in a shameful trick,
Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?
Which you knew was not yours: what did you think?
Have you not set mine honour at the stake
Have you not set my honor at the stake
And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts
And taunted it with all the uncontrolled thoughts
That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving
That a dictator of a heart can think? To one of your receiving
Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,
Enough is shown: a tree, not a chest,
Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.
Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak.
VIOLA
I pity you.
I feel sorry for you.
OLIVIA
That's a degree to love.
That's similar to love.
VIOLA
No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,
No, not much; it's not a good proof,
That very oft we pity enemies.
For we very often pity enemies.
OLIVIA
Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.
Why, then, I think it is time to smile again.
O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
Oh, world, how appropriate the poor are to be proud!
If one should be a prey, how much the better
If you have to be a victim, how much better
To fall before the lion than the wolf!
To fall in front of the lion than the wolf!
Clock strikes
The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.
The clock criticizes me with the waste of time.
Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:
Do not be afraid, good young man, I will not have you:
And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,
And yet, when wit and youth has come to full bloom,
Your were is alike to reap a proper man:
You seem likely to turn out to be a proper man:
There lies your way, due west.
Your way is that way, straight west.
VIOLA
Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition
Then I shall go west! Grace and good mood
Attend your ladyship!
Be with your ladyship!
You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
You have nothing, madam, for me to take to my lord?
OLIVIA
Stay:
Wait:
I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.
Please, tell me what you think of me.
VIOLA
That you do think you are not what you are.
That you think you are not what you are.
OLIVIA
If I think so, I think the same of you.
If that is what I think, I also think that of you.
VIOLA
Then think you right: I am not what I am.
Then you think correctly: I am not what I am.
OLIVIA
I would you were as I would have you be!
I wish you were the way I wish you were!
VIOLA
Would it be better, madam, than I am?
Would it be better, madam, than I am?
I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
I wish it would, for now I am your fool.
OLIVIA
O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
Oh, how his disinterest looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
In his angry lip!
A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon
A murderous guilt does not show itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
Than love that would seem hidden: love's night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
Cesario, I swear by the roses of spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing,
By my womanhood, by honor, truth, and everything,
I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,
I love you so, that, no matter all your pride,
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
No cleverness or wisdom can hide my passion.
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
Do not demand me to explain why,
For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause,
For that I woo, you therefore have no cause,
But rather reason thus with reason fetter,
But instead have a better reason,
Love sought is good, but given unsought better.
Love searched for is good, but even freely is better.
VIOLA
By innocence I swear, and by my youth
By my innocence I swear, and by my youth
I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,
I have one heart, one chest and one truth,
And that no woman has; nor never none
Which no woman has, and never one
Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
Shall be the mistress of it, except for me alone.
And so adieu, good madam: never more
And so farewell, good madam: I will never again
Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
Come tell you of my master's sorrows.
OLIVIA
Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move
But come again; because you perhaps may begin
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
To love me the way he does.
Exeunt
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR ANDREW
No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
No, by my faith, I won't stay a moment longer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
Your reason, dear snake, give you reason.
FABIAN
You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
You must give us your reason, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
By Mary, I saw your niece give more affection to the
count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
count's serving-man than she ever gave to me;
I saw't i' the orchard.
I saw in the orchard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
Did she see you during that time, old boy? Tell me that.
SIR ANDREW
As plain as I see you now.
As clearly as I see you now.
FABIAN
This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
That is good evidence of her love towards you.
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?
Are you making fun of me?
FABIAN
I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
I will prove it real, sir, upon the strengths of
judgment and reason.
judgment and intelligence.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
And they have been good members of the jury since before Noah
was a sailor.
built his Ark.
FABIAN
She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
You should then have accosted her; and with some
excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
She only did it to make you jealous and rouse you into action.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
commendation with woman than report of valour.
Why, then, challenge him to a duel; that will impress her.
FABIAN
There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
There is no other way to do it, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
Will either of you take my challenge to him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about
it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.
Do it through a letter, written angrily and bravely.
SIR ANDREW
Where shall I find you?
Where will I find you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.
We will call you at the cubiculo: go.
Exit SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
That is a valuable man to you, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand
I have been valuable to him, lad, some two thousand
strong, or so.
in money, or so.
FABIAN
We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
We shall have a great letter from him: but you'll
not deliver't?
not deliver it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy.
I don't trust him to do well at all. You could cut him open,
and I bet you wouldn't even find enough blood to clog
the foot of a flea.
FABIAN
And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
And the youth seems no fighter either.
Enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
Look, where the youngest bird of nine comes.
MARIA
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
Christian, that means to be saved by believing
rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
Come see the hilarious sight! No Christian could believe
such impossible ridiculousness. He's in yellow stockings.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And cross-gartered?
And tied criss-cross?
MARIA
Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
face into more lines than is in the new map with the
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
Hideously so. He won't stop smiling either, and
I think my lady will hit him for sure, and he'll take that
as a great compliment.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Take us, take us to where he is.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A street.
Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO
SEBASTIAN
I would not by my will have troubled you;
I wish that I had not caused you trouble;
But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,
But since you seem to enjoy what I thought would burden you,
I will no further chide you.
I will not criticize you further.
ANTONIO
I could not stay behind you: my desire,
I could not stay behind; my wishes,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
More sharp that filed steel, pushed me ahead;
And not all love to see you, though so much
And not just my wanting to see you, though so much
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,
it was enough to make me take even a longer journey,
But jealousy what might befall your travel,
But worry over what might happen to you in your travels,
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
Being alone in these parts; which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Without a guide or a friend, often turns out to be
Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,
Rough and without hospitality; my willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
Increased by these fearful thoughts,
Set forth in your pursuit.
Made me run after you.
SEBASTIAN
My kind Antonio,
My dear Antonio,
I can no other answer make but thanks,
I can make no other answer but thanks
And thanks; and ever oft good turns
And thanks; and so often such good turns
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
Are not repaid as they deserve to be:
But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,
But, if I were worth as much as my conscience is firm,
You should find better dealing. What's to do?
You should find a better reward. What should we do?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
Shall we go see the sights of this town?
ANTONIO
To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
Tomorrow, sir: it would be best to first find you someplace to stay.
SEBASTIAN
I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:
I'm not tired, and it is a long time before dark:
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
Please, let us feast our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
With the memorials and famous things
That do renown this city.
That this city is known for.
ANTONIO
Would you'ld pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys
I did some service; of such note indeed,
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.
Forgive me, I killed a bunch of the count's men in a fight,
and if I were killed here it would not be punished.
SEBASTIAN
Belike you slew great number of his people.
So you killed a large number of his people.
ANTONIO
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answer'd in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
Not particularly, I am more of a scapegoat in a larger fight.
SEBASTIAN
Do not then walk too open.
Don't walk too obviously then.
ANTONIO
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
It doesn't fit me. Hold, sir, here's my wallet.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
In the south part of the city, at the Elephant inn,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Is the best place to stay: I will fetch out dinner,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
While you pass the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
With seeing the sights: there you shall meet me.
SEBASTIAN
Why I your purse?
Why give me your wallet?
ANTONIO
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
It is possible you will find something you want to buy,
and I know you have little money.
SEBASTIAN
I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you
I'll carry your wallet and leave you
For an hour.
For an hour.
ANTONIO
To the Elephant.
To the Elephant inn.
SEBASTIAN
I do remember.
I will remember.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
I have invited him here: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
How shall I feast him? What gifts give him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
For youth is bought more often than begged or borrowed.
I speak too loud.
I speak too loudly.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
Where is Malvolio? He is sad and polite,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
And is good for my reputation:
Where is Malvolio?
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
He is coming, madam; but is acting very strange. He
is, sure, possessed, madam.
is surely possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
Why, what's the matter? Is he ranting?
MARIA
No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your
No, madam, all he does is smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
ladyship would be safest to have some guards around you, if
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
he comes; for, sure, he has lost his mind.
OLIVIA
Go call him hither.
Go call him here.
Exit MARIA
I am as mad as he,
I am as insane as he is,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
If sadness and madness are equal.
Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO
How now, Malvolio!
What's going on, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady, ho, ho.
Sweet lady, hello, hello.
OLIVIA
Smilest thou?
You're smiling?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
I asked for you to come on a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
Sad, lady? I could be sad: it does make for some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
loss of circulation, this cross-gartering; but
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
who cares? If it pleases one person, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
with me as the very true poem says, "Please one, and
please all.'
you please all.'
OLIVIA
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
Why, what is going on, man? What is the matter with you?
MALVOLIO
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
My thoughts are not dark, though my legs are yellow. It
did come to his hands, and commands shall be
came to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
followed: I think we do know the sweet handwriting.
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Will you go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
To bed! Yes, sweetheart, and I'll come to you.
OLIVIA
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
God comfort you! Why do you smile like that and kiss
thy hand so oft?
your hand so often?
MARIA
How do you, Malvolio?
What are you doing, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
At your request! yes; nightingales answer crows.
MARIA
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
Why are you appearing so ridiculously and cheekily in front of my lady?
MALVOLIO
'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
'Do not be afraid of greatness:' it was well written.
OLIVIA
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
What do you mean by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
'Some are born great,'-'Some are born great,'-OLIVIA
Ha!
Ha!
MALVOLIO
'Some achieve greatness,'-'Some reach greatness,'-OLIVIA
What sayest thou?
What are you saying?
MALVOLIO
'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
'And some have greatness pushed upon them.'
OLIVIA
Heaven restore thee!
Heaven heal you!
MALVOLIO
'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'-'Remember who praised your yellow stockings,'
OLIVIA
Thy yellow stockings!
Your yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO
'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
'And wished to see you cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered!
Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'-'Go to you are made, if you want it to be that way;'=
OLIVIA
Am I made?
Am I made what?
MALVOLIO
'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
'If not, let me see you a servant still.'
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
Servant
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino has
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
returned: I could hardly tell him to go back; he
attends your ladyship's pleasure.
wishes to please your ladyship.
OLIVIA
I'll come to him.
I'll go to him.
Exit Servant
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked after. Where's
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
my relative Toby? Let some of my people take special
care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
care of him: I would not have him be ill for the
half of my dowry.
half of my fortune.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
MALVOLIO
O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
Oh, hey! Are you coming near me now? No worse man than
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
Sir Toby to look after me! This agrees directly with
the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
the letter: she sends him to me on purpose, that I may
appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
appear stubborn to him; for she encourages me to that
in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
in the letter. 'Remove your humble character,' she says,
'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
'be contrary with a kinsman, rude with the servants;
let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing
that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
and in general be outrageous, and she will love me!
What luck, and Jove is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
Where is he? Even if he's possessed by a thousand
devils from hell, I will speak to him.
FABIAN
Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
Here he is, here he is. How is it with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
how is it with you, man?
MALVOLIO
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
off.
Go away, leave me alone.
MARIA
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
See, how evilly the devil speaks from inside him! Did I not
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
tell you? Sir Toby, my lady begs you to take
care of him.
care of him.
MALVOLIO
Ah, ha! does she so?
Ah ha! Does she now?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how
is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
We must be gentle with him, even if he's possessed!
Fight the devil, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you say?
Do you know what you're saying?
MARIA
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
Look, when you speak badly of the devil, he takes
it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
it personally! Please God may he not be cursed!
FABIAN
Carry his water to the wise woman.
Take him to the wise woman [a kind of good doctor/witch combination of the time].
MARIA
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
By Mary, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I
live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
live. My lady does not want to lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO
How now, mistress!
Hello, miss!
MARIA
O Lord!
Oh Lord!
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
Get him to say prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
My prayers, minx!
My prayers, [insult]!
MARIA
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
No, I swear to you, he will not hear of godliness
MALVOLIO
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
Go hang yourselves, all of you! You are useless, shallow
things: I am not of your element: you shall know
things: I am not like you : you shall know
more hereafter.
more afterwards.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is't possible?
Is it possible?
FABIAN
If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
speak badly of it as something way too unlikely.
SIR TOBY BELCH
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
His very genius has been infected by the trick, man.
MARIA
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
No, run after him now, so that the trick doesn't go too far.
FABIAN
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
Why, we shall make him actually insane.
MARIA
The house will be the quieter.
The house will be quieter if we do.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
Come, we'll tie him up and put him in a dark room. My
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
niece already believes that he's insane, we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
may carry it out like that, for our amusement and his punishment,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
until our fun has run its course, and we decide
us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
to have mercy on him, at which time we will
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
reveal the trick and honor you asa
finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
More matter for a May morning.
More fun to have on a morning in May.
SIR ANDREW
Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's
Here's the challenge, read it: I bet there's
vinegar and pepper in't.
vinegar and pepper in it.
FABIAN
Is't so saucy?
Is it that saucy?
SIR ANDREW
Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
Yes, it is, I do believe: just read.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Give me.
Give it to me.
Reads
'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
'Young man, whatever you are, you are nothing but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN
Good, and valiant.
Good, and brave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
'Do not be surprised, or confused in your mind,
why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
why I call you that, for I will not show you any reason for it."
FABIAN
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
A good point; that keeps you safe from the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
You come to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
sight she uses you kindly: but you lie in your
throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
throat; that is not the issue I am challenging you about.'
FABIAN
Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.
Very short, and very sensible.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it
'I will interrupt you going him; where if it
be thy chance to kill me,'-is your fate to kill me,'-FABIAN
Good.
Good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
'You kill me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN
Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
Still you keep on the safe side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
my hope is better, and so look to yourself. You
friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
friend, as you used him, and your sworn enemy,
ANDREW AGUECHEEK. If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
If this letter does not move him, his legs cannot:
I'll give't him.
I'll give it to him.
MARIA
You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in
You may have a good opportunity for it: he is now in
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
some business with my lady, and will shortly leave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the
orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest
him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for
it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood
more approbation than ever proof itself would have
earned him. Away!
Go, Sir Andrew, and as soon as you see him, draw your sword,
swearing terrible things.
Go fight!
SIR ANDREW
Nay, let me alone for swearing.
No, let me alone for swearing.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior
Now I will not deliver the letter: for the behavior
of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
capacity and breeding; his employment between his
skill and nobility; his employment between his
lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this
lord and my niece confirms it: therefore this
letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no
letter, being so incredibly stupid, will cause no
terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
terror in the young man: he will find it comes from a
clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
clod. But sir, I will deliver his challenge by
word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report
word of mouth; describe the knight Aguecheek with a notable report
of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
of courage; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous
youth with appropriately take it, into a most terrifying
opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
opinion of his rage, skill, anger, and impatience.
This will so fright them both that they will kill
This will so frighten them both that they will kill
one another by the look, like cockatrices. [Cockatrices were half-rooster, half-snake
mythological beings whose sight could turn things into stone.]
Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA
FABIAN
Here he comes with your niece: give them way till
Here he comes with you niece: give them room until
he take leave, and presently after him.
he leaves, and then in a moment go after him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will meditate the while upon some horrid message
I will ponder for a while some horrible message
for a challenge.
for a challenge to a duel.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have said too much unto a heart of stone
I have said too much to a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary out:
And laid my honor not carefully enough out:
There's something in me that reproves my fault;
There's something in my that criticizes my fault;
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
But it is such a strong fault,
That it but mocks reproof.
That it only mocks being corrected.
VIOLA
With the same 'havior that your passion bears
With that same behavior your passion is going on
Goes on my master's grief.
My master's grief is treating him.
OLIVIA
Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
Here, take this locket for me, it is my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
Don't refuse it; it has to voice to trouble you;
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
And I beg that you come again tomorrow.
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
What will you ask of me that I'll refuse,
That honour saved may upon asking give?
That saving my honor may then give?
VIOLA
Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
Nothing but this; your true love for Duke Orsino.
OLIVIA
How with mine honour may I give him that
How with my honor may I give him something
Which I have given to you?
Which I have already given you?
VIOLA
I will acquit you.
I will give you permission.
OLIVIA
Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
Well, come again tomorrow; fare you well:
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
A demon like you could take my soul to hell.
Exit
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Gentleman, God save thee.
Gentleman, God save you.
VIOLA
And you, sir.
And to you, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what
nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:
dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for
thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
Watch out, because a terrifying fighter will assault you.
VIOLA
You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel
to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from
any image of offence done to any man.
You are making a mistake; I am sure no man has any issue with me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
if you hold your life at any price, betake you to
your guard; for your opposite hath in him what
youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
Oh no, you are wrong, and if you value your life you should
be on your guard, for you opponent has in him what
youth, strength, skill, and anger can give a man.
VIOLA
I pray you, sir, what is he?
Please, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on
He is a knight, dubbed with a fine sword and by
carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
royalty; but he is a devil in private
brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and
brawls; he has killed three men; and
his incensement at this moment is so implacable,
his anger at this time is so great,
that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death
that he can have no satisfaction except through
and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.
one of you dying.
VIOLA
I will return again into the house and desire some
I will go back into the house and ask some
conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
advice from the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
of some men who deliberately pick fights with
others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
others, to see their courage: probably this is a man
of that quirk.
of that type.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a
Sir, no; his anger takes itself out from a
very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
very real offense: therefore, go on and
give him his desire. Back you shall not to the
give him what he wants. You should not go back into
house, unless you undertake that with me which with
the house, unless you fight with me instead
as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,
therefore, go on to meet him,
or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
or unsheath your sword; for fight you must,
must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
or swear to wear a weapon at all times.
VIOLA
This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
This is as barbaric as strange. I beg you, do me
this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
this polite favor, as to find out from the night what
my offence to him is: it is something of my
my offense to him is: it is something of my
negligence, nothing of my purpose.
mistake, nothing I have done on purpose.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
I will do that. Sir Fabian, stay by this
gentleman till my return.
gentleman until I return.
Exit
VIOLA
Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
Please, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN
I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a
I know the knight is angry against you, even to a
mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
duel to the death; but nothing more.
VIOLA
I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
Please, what kind of man is he?
FABIAN
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by
his form, as you are like to find him in the proof
of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,
bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk
towards him? I will make your peace with him if I
can.
One of the best fighters and fearsome men in Illyria.
VIOLA
I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that
I would be very distressed about it: I am one that
had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
would rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
care not who knows so much of my mettle.
do not care who knows that about my courage.
Exeunt
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
[To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
There's no solution, sir; he will fight
with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
with you for the sake of this oath: by Mary, he has
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
thought better of the quarrel, and he finds that now
scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
it is not worth talking of: therefore draw, for
the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
the sake of his promise; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA
[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
[Aside] May God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
make me tell them how little of a man I am.
FABIAN
Give ground, if you see him furious.
Give him ground, if you see him angry.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman
Come, Sir Andrew, there's no solution; the gentleman
will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;
will, for his honor's sake, have one match with you;
he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has
he cannot by the warrior code avoid it: but he has
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
promised me, as he is a nobleman and a soldier, he
will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
will not hurt you. Come on; start.
SIR ANDREW
Pray God, he keep his oath!
Pray God, he keeps his promise!
VIOLA
I do assure you, 'tis against my will.
They draw
Enter ANTONIO
ANTONIO
Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Put away your sword. If this young nobleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
Has done offense, I take it as my fault:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.
If you offend him, I defy you for him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You, sir! why, what are you?
You, sir! Why, who are you?
ANTONIO
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
One, sir, that for his love dares to do still more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
Than you have heard him brag to you that he will.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
No, if you are taking this on, I will for you.
They draw
Enter Officers
FABIAN
O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
Oh, good Sir Toby, stop! Here come the police.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I'll be with you anon.
I'll be with you in a moment.
VIOLA
Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
Please, sir, put your sword away, please.
First Officer
This is the man; do thy office.
This is the man; do you job.
Second Officer
Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
Antonio, I arrest you for the sake of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO
You do mistake me, sir.
You are making a mistake, sir.
First Officer
No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
No sir, not one bit; I know you well.
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head
Though you do not have your former hat on your head
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
Take him away: he knows that I know him well.
ANTONIO
I must obey.
I must do what they say.
To VIOLA
This comes with seeking you:
This comes from looking for you:
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
But there's no solution; I must answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
What will you do, now that my troubles
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Makes me ask you for my wallet? It causes me pain
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
Than what happens to me myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
But be comforted.
Second Officer
Come, sir, away.
Come on, sir, let's go.
ANTONIO
I must beg you some of that money.
I must beg from you some of that money.
VIOLA
What money, sir?
What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,
For the great kindness you have shown me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
And, partly, as prompted by your current troubles,
Out of my lean and low ability Out of my limited amount of money
I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
I'll lend you something: I do not have much;
I'll make division of my present with you:
I'll give part of what I have at the moment with you:
Hold, there's half my coffer.
Hold, here's half my wallet.
ANTONIO
Will you deny me now?
Is't possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
What? You're being ungrateful.
VIOLA
I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
What?? You are the one being ungrateful!
ANTONIO
O heavens themselves!
Oh by heaven!
Second Officer
Come, sir, I pray you, go.
Come on sir, please, go.
ANTONIO
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
But I saved his life!
First Officer
What's that to us? The time goes by: away!
What do we care? Time is slipping past us: away!
ANTONIO
But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.
Oh, Sebastian, I am very disappointed in you.
First Officer
The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
This man is going crazy: away with him! Come on, sir.
ANTONIO
Lead me on.
Take me away.
Exit with Officers
VIOLA
Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
Oh, he mistook me for Sebastian! Please, may I be right!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll
Come here, knight; come here, Fabian: we'll
whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
whisper a few poems and stories that we know.
VIOLA
He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
I deliberately copied Sebastian, so I am mistaken for him,
May it turn out that the storms are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than
A very dishonest worthless boy, and more a coward than
a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
a rabbit is: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
friend here in necessity and denying him; and for
friend when he needed him and denying him; and for
his cowardship, ask Fabian.
his cowardliness, ask Fabian.
FABIAN
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
A coward, a terrible coward like it was his religion.
SIR ANDREW
'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
I'll run after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
Do; hit him soundly, but never draw your sword.
SIR ANDREW
An I do not,-If I do not,-FABIAN
Come, let's see the event.
Let's go see this happen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.
I'd be willing to bet money it doesn't happen.
Exeunt
ACT IV
SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.
Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown
Clown
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
Will you make me believe that I am not sent to fetch you?
SEBASTIAN
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
Enough, enough, you are a foolish fellow:
Let me be clear of thee.
Get away from me.
Clown
Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor
Well held out, by my faith! No, I do not know you; and
I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come
I am not sent to you by my lady, to tell you to come
speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;
speak with her, and your name is not Master Cesario;
nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.
and this is not my nose either. Nothing that is, is.
SEBASTIAN
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else:
Thou know'st not me.
I beg you, spend your foolishness somewhere else:
You do not know me.
Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN
SIR ANDREW
Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.
Now, sir, have I meet you again? There you are.
SEBASTIAN
Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all
Why there's for you, and there, and there. Are all
the people mad?
the people insane?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
Stop, sir, or I'll throw your dagger over the house.
Clown
This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be
in some of your coats for two pence.
I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on, sir; hold.
Come, sir; fight.
SIR ANDREW
Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work
No, leave him alone: I'll go another way to work
with him; I'll have an action of battery against
with him; I'll charge him with assault
him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I
if there is any law in Illyria: though I
struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.
hit him first, yet it's not important.
SEBASTIAN
Let go thy hand.
Get your hand off me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come on, my young
soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.
soldier, draw your sword: you are fit enough; come on.
SEBASTIAN
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If
I want to get rid of you. What do you want now? If
thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.
you dare tempt me further, draw your sword.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two
What, what? No, then I must have an ounce or two
of this malapert blood from you.
of this bad blood from you.
Enter OLIVIA
OLIVIA
Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!
Stop, Toby; on your life I command you, hold!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Madam!
My lady!
OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Will it always be like this? [Insult]
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Suitable only to live out in the mountains and caves
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!
Where there is no such thing as manners! Out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Do not be offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!
[Insult] be gone!
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
I prithee, gentle friend,
Please, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
Let your lovely wisdom, not your anger, rule
In this uncivil and thou unjust extent
In this impolite and extremely unfair extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
Against your peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
And hear from me there how many unsuccessful pranks
This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
This ruffian has messed up, and that you therefore
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:
May smile at this: you shall not choose to do anything else:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
Do not deny it. Forgive his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
He started one poor heart of mine in you.
SEBASTIAN
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
What delight is this? How is this happening?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Or I am insane, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
Let I still stay in the waters of forgetfulness;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
If this is what dreaming is like, let me still sleep!
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!
No, come, please; I wish you would do as I say!
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will.
My lady, I will.
OLIVIA
O, say so, and so be!
Oh, say so, and may it be so!
Exeunt
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
No, please, put on these robes and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
make him believe you are Sir Topas the minister: do
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby while you do.
Exit
Clown
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
Well, I'll put it on, and I will be untrue to myself
in't; and I would I were the first that ever
in it; and I wish that I were the first that ever
dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
deceived others in such robes. I am not tall enough to
become the function well, nor lean enough to be
resemble the function well, nor lean enough to be
thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
thought a good student; but to be called an honest man
and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
and a good housekeeper is as good as to say a
careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
careful man and a great scholar. The players enter.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
Jove bless you, master Priest.
MALVOLIO
[Within] Who calls there?
[Inside] Who's there?
Clown
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
Sir Topas the minister, who comes to visit Malvolio
the lunatic.
the insane man.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Clown
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
Out, terrible devil! How you trouble this man!
talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
Do you talk of nothing but ladies!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well said, Master Parson.
Well said, Priest.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
Sir Topas, no man has ever been so wronged; good Sir
Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
Topas, do not think I am insane: they have placed me
here in hideous darkness.
here in terrible darkness.
Clown
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
Out, you dishonest Satan! I call you by the most
modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
moderate terms; for I am one of the gentle ones
that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
that will treat the devil himself with courtesy:
sayest thou that house is dark?
are you saying that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.
As hell is, Sir Topas.
Clown
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
and the clearstores toward the south north are as
lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
obstruction?
Why, it's beautiful and bright, and yet you say
it is dark?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
Madman, you are wrong: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
but ignorance; in which you are more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
the Egyptians were in their ignorance.
MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, even if
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
ignorance was as dark as hell; and I say, there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
was never a man treated so badly. I am no more mad than you
are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
ask me a question, any question to prove it.
Clown
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
What is the opinion of Pythagoras about wild birds?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
That it is possible for the soul of our grandfather to be inside a bird.
Clown
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
What do you think of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
I think well of the soul, and do not approve of his opinion.
Clown
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
Farewell. Stay still in darkness:
thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
you shall hold the opinion of Pythagoras before I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
think you are sane, and be afraid to kill a bird, in case
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
you destroy the soul of your grandfather. Farewell.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
My most wonderful Sir Topas!
MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
You might have done this without your beard and
gown: he sees thee not.
robes: he does not see you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
Go to him in your own voice, and tell me how
thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
you find him: I would rather we were finished with this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
trickery. If he may be conveniently rescued, I would
would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
like him to be, for I am now so far in offense with
my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
my niece that I cannot safely continue with this
sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
prank. Come soon to my room.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
Clown
[Singing] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
'Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'
Tell me how your lady is.'
MALVOLIO
Fool!
Clown!
Clown
'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
'My lady is unkind, birdie.'
MALVOLIO
Fool!
Clown!
Clown
'Alas, why is she so?'
'Oh dear, why is she that way?'
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say!
Hey, Clown!
Clown
'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?
'She loves someone else' - Who's calling me?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
Good fool, as ever you will deserve good things from me,
hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper,
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
as I am a nobleman, I will live to be thankful to
thee for't.
you for it.
Clown
Master Malvolio?
Mister Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.
Yes, good fool.
Clown
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Oh dear, sir, how did you lose your five senses?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
Fool, there was never a man so terribly treated: I
am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
am as well in my senses, fool, as you are.
Clown
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
But as well? Then you must be crazy, if you are no
better in your wits than a fool.
better in your intelligence than a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
They have here imprisoned me; keep me in darkness,
send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
face me out of my wits.
trick me out of my senses.
Clown
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
Well, sir, be patient. What do you have to say? I have
sent for speaking to you.
been asked to speak to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
Good fool, please get me some light and some paper: I
tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
tell you, I am as well as any man in Illyria.
Clown
Well-a-day that you were, sir
I hope you are, sir.
MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
By my hand, I am. Good fool, bring me some ink, paper, and
light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
and take what I write down to my lady:
it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
it shall be of more advantage to you than any other carrying
of letter did.
of a letter ever did.
Clown
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
I will help you to it. But tell me truly, are you
not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
sane indeed? Or are you just faking?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Believe me, I am not; I tell you truly.
Clown
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
No, I will never believe a madman until I see his
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
brains. I will go get you a light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
Fool, I'll repay it in the greatest amount: I
prithee, be gone.
beg you, go.
Clown
[Singing] I am gone, sir,
I am leaving, sir
And anon, sir,
And soon, sir,
I'll be with you again,
I'll be back with you again,
In a trice
In a moment,
Like to the old Vice,
Like sin,
Your need to sustain;
You need to keep going,
Who, with dagger of lath,
Who, with a weapon
In his rage and his wrath,
In his anger,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Yells at the devil:
Like a mad lad,
Like a crazy man,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Trim your nails, man;
Adieu, good man devil.
Farewell, good man devil.
Exit
SCENE III. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This is the air; that is the beautiful sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel it and see it:
And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
And though it is amazement that wraps around me,
Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
Yet it is not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant:
I could not find him at the Elephant Inn:
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
Yet there he was at some point; and there I found out
That he did range the town to seek me out.
That he wandered all around the city to look for me.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
His advice might now do me some service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
For though my soul argues with my senses,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
That this may be some mistake, but not insanity,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
Yet this strange turn of fate
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
Is so far beyond anything I've ever heard of
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
That I am ready to distrust my own eyes
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
And wrestle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad
To any other conclusion but that I am insane
Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,
Or else the lady's mad, yet if it were that way,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
She could not rule her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
Take and give back business and carrying things out
With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing
In such a capable and noble fashion
As I perceive she does: there's something in't
As I see she does: there's something in it
That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.
That could involve trickery. But here the lady comes.
Enter OLIVIA and Priest
OLIVIA
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Do not blame me for rushing things. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Now go with me and with this priest
Into the chantry by: there, before him,
Into the church: there, in front of him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
And underneath that roof that has been made sacred,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?
Marry me, and we will celebrate. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN
I'll follow this good man, and go with you;
I'll follow this priest, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
And having promised to be loyal, will always be loyal.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
Then lead the way, good Father, and may the heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine!
That they may beautifully observe this thing I am doing!
Exeunt
ACT V
SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.
Enter Clown and FABIAN
FABIAN
Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
Now, as you love me, let me see his letter
Clown
Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
Good Mister Fabian, do another thing for me.
FABIAN
Any thing.
Anything.
Clown
Do not desire to see this letter.
Do not ask to see this letter.
FABIAN
This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my
dog again.
This is, to give a dog, and in return ask for my dog again.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords
DUKE ORSINO
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
Do you belong to the Lady Olivia, friends?
Clown
Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.
Yes, sir, we are some of her belongings.
DUKE ORSINO
I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?
I know you well; how are you, my good fellow?
Clown
Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse
Truly, sir, improved by my enemies and worsened
for my friends.
by my friends.
DUKE ORSINO
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
Oh no, it's the other way around; improved by your friends.
Clown
No, sir, the worse.
No, sir, made worse.
DUKE ORSINO
How can that be?
How is that possible?
Clown
Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
By Mary, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by
now my enemies tell me plainly that I am an ass; so that by
my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,
my enemies, sir, I gain knowledge about myself,
and by my friends, I am abused: so that,
and by my friends, sir, I am lied to: so that,
conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives
conclusions being kisses, if your four noes
make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for
make two yeses, why then, the worse for
my friends and the better for my foes.
my friends and the better for me foes.
DUKE ORSINO
Why, this is excellent.
Very clever.
Clown
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be
By the truth, sir, no; though it pleases you to be
one of my friends.
one of my friends.
DUKE ORSINO
Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.
You shall not be the worse for me: here's some money.
Clown
But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
Except for it being double-dealing, sir, i wish
you could make it another.
you could give me more.
DUKE ORSINO
O, you give me ill counsel.
Oh, you give me bad advice.
Clown
Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
Put your wisdom in your pocket, sir, this once,
and let your flesh and blood obey it.
and let your body obey it.
DUKE ORSINO
Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a
Well, I will sin this much: to be a
double-dealer: there's another.
double-dealer: there's another coin.
Clown
Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old
One, two, three, is a good sequence; and the old
saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex,
saying is, the third pays for all: the triple,
sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of
sir, is a good unit; or the bells of
Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.
Saint Bennet's cathedral, sir, will make you think; one, two, three.
DUKE ORSINO
You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:
You can trick no more money out of me at this time:
if you will let your lady know I am here to speak
If you will let your lady know I am hear to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake
with her, and bring her with you, it may cause me to share
my bounty further.
my wealth further.
Clown
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
By Mary, sir, may your money sleep until I come
again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think
that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:
but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I
will awake it anon.
I will awaken it shortly.
Exit
VIOLA
Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
Here comes the man, sir, that rescued me.
Enter ANTONIO and Officers
DUKE ORSINO
That face of his I do remember well;
Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss
Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?
I remember his face, but much dirtier and bloodier, in wartime.
First Officer
Orsino, this is that Antonio
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;
That took the Phoenix and her freight from Candy;
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
And it is him that boarded the Tiger,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
Where your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
We arrested him in a private fight.
VIOLA
He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
He was kind to me, sir, tried to fight on my side,
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
But in concluding it said strange things to me:
I know not what 'twas but distraction.
That I did not understand, except as a distraction.
DUKE ORSINO
Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?
What made you do something so risky as that?
ANTONIO
Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
I saved his life, and then he repaid my by denying me, and
not giving back the money I had given him less than half an hour before.
VIOLA
How can this be?
How can this be possible?
DUKE ORSINO
When came he to this town?
When did he come to this town?
ANTONIO
To-day, my lord; and for three months before,
Today, my lord, and for three months before then,
No interim, not a minute's vacancy,
Without a pause, without even a minute apart
Both day and night did we keep company.
For every day and night we stayed together.
Enter OLIVIA and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
But as for you, fellow; fellow, your words are insanity:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
This youth has served me for three months;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
But more of that in a moment. Take him aside.
OLIVIA
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
What does my lord want, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Where Olivia may seem enough?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
Cesario, you do not keep your promise to me.
VIOLA
Madam!
My lady!
DUKE ORSINO
Gracious Olivia,-Dear Olivia,OLIVIA
What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,-What do you say, Cesario? My good sir,-VIOLA
My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
My lord wishes to speak; my duty means I must be quiet.
DUKE ORSINO
Still so cruel?
Still so cruel?
OLIVIA
Still so constant, lord.
Still so loyal, Lord.
DUKE ORSINO
What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
What, to contrariness? You rude lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
To whose ungrateful and unlucky altars
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out
My soul has given the most faithful offerings
That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?
That devotion ever gave? What shall I do.
OLIVIA
Where goes Cesario?
Where is Cesario going?
VIOLA
After him I love
After him that I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More than I love my eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.
More, by all the more, than I ever shall love a wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above
If I lie, may Heaven's witnesses
Punish my life for tainting of my love!
Punish my life for spoiling my love!
OLIVIA
Ay me, detested! how am I beguiled!
Oh, me, hated! How I am tricked!
VIOLA
Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
Who tricks you? Who does you wrong?
OLIVIA
Hast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?
Have you forgotten yourself? Is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
DUKE ORSINO
Come, away!
OLIVIA
Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
Where, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
DUKE ORSINO
Husband!
OLIVIA
Ay, husband: can he that deny?
Yes, husband: can he deny that?
DUKE ORSINO
Her husband, sirrah!
Her husband, sir!
VIOLA
No, my lord, not I.
No, my lord, not me.
OLIVIA
Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear'st.
Don't be afraid, Cesario, we're safe.
Enter Priest
O, welcome, father!
Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
Here to unfold, though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know
Hath newly pass'd between this youth and me.
Priest, tell them what we just did.
Priest
A contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirm'd by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings;
And all the ceremony of this compact
Seal'd in my function, by my testimony:
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
I have travell'd but two hours.
Less than two hours ago, I married these two.
DUKE ORSINO
O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
You liar and traitor! Fine then, marry her, take her,
but I never want to see you again.
VIOLA
My lord, I do protest-My lord, I protest-OLIVIA
O, do not swear!
Oh, do not swear!
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
Have a little faith, even if you have too much fear.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently
For the love of God, a doctor! Send one soon
to Sir Toby.
to Sir Toby.
OLIVIA
What's the matter?
What's going on?
SIR ANDREW
He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby
a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
He has punched me and given Sir Toby a bloody wound!
I wish I were at home.
OLIVIA
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for
The count's nobleman, Cesario: we thought he was
a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.
a coward, but he's the very devil himself.
DUKE ORSINO
My gentleman, Cesario?
My servant, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW
'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
By God, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
nothing; and what I did, I was put up to
by Sir Toby.
by Sir Toby.
VIOLA
Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
Why do you speak to me like this? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
You pulled out your sword at me without a reason;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.
But I spoke well to you, and did not hurt you.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown
DUKE ORSINO
How now, gentleman! how is't with you?
Hello, gentleman! How are you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
That's all one: he has hurt me, and there's the end
That's not important: he has hurt me, and that's the end
on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
of it.
Clown
O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes
Oh, he's drunk, Sir Toby, for more than an hour now; his eyes
were set at eight i' the morning.
where set at eight in the morning.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I
Then he's a rogue, and drunk: I
hate a drunken rogue.
hate a drunken scoundrel.
OLIVIA
Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?
Away with him! Who has made all this confusion and commotion with them?
SIR ANDREW
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be dressed together.
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be damaged together.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a
knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!
Will you help? [Flood of insults.]
OLIVIA
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look'd to.
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked after.
Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt you relative:
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
But, had it been my own family,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
I must have done just as much with cleverness and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
You give me an odd look, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you:
I do see that it has offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the promises
We made each other but so late ago.
We made each other just a few hours ago.
DUKE ORSINO
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,
One face, once voice, one set of clothes, and two people,
A natural perspective, that is and is not!
A strange freak of nature!
SEBASTIAN
Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
Oh Antonio, oh my dear Antonio!
How have the hours rack'd and tortured me,
How the hours have tortured me,
Since I have lost thee!
Since I lost you!
ANTONIO
Sebastian are you?
Sebastian, is that you?
SEBASTIAN
Fear'st thou that, Antonio?
Are you afraid of that, Antonio?
ANTONIO
How have you made division of yourself?
How have you made yourself two people?
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
An apple, cut in half, is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
Than these two ones. Which is Sebastian?
OLIVIA
Most wonderful!
How strange!
SEBASTIAN
Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature,
Nor can there be magic in myself,
Of here and every where. I had a sister,
To be here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd.
Whom the blind waves of the sea have devored.
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
Please, what relative are you to me?
What countryman? what name? what parentage?
What country, what name, what family?
VIOLA
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,
My brother was Sebastian too,
So went he suited to his watery tomb:
He went dressed like this to his watery grave;
If spirits can assume both form and suit
If ghosts can take on both the form and clothing
You come to fright us.
You come to frighten us.
SEBASTIAN
A spirit I am indeed;
I am a spirit indeed:
But am in that dimension grossly clad
But I am in this world, clothed in the body
Which from the womb I did participate.
Which I have had since the womb.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
If you were a woman, as the rest is right,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
I should let my tears fall upon your cheek,
And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'
And say, 'Three-times welcome, drowned Viola!'
VIOLA
My father had a mole upon his brow.
My father had a mole on his forehead.
SEBASTIAN
And so had mine.
So did mine.
VIOLA
And died that day when Viola from her birth
And when Viola was
Had number'd thirteen years.
thirteen years old.
SEBASTIAN
O, that record is lively in my soul!
Oh, I remember that well!
He finished indeed his mortal act
He ended his mortal life
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
That day that made my sister thirteen years old.
VIOLA
If nothing lets to make us happy both
If there is nothing else to make us happy
But this my masculine usurp'd attire,
But this my male borrowed clothing
Do not embrace me till each circumstance
Do not embrace me till all the factors
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
Of place, time, fortune, do come together and jump
That I am Viola: which to confirm,
That I am Viola: which to prove,
I'll bring you to a captain in this town,
I'll bring you to a sea captain in this town,
Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
Where lie my women's clothes; by whose gentle help
I was preserved to serve this noble count.
I was saved in order to serve this noble count.
All the occurrence of my fortune since
Everything that has happened to me since
Hath been between this lady and this lord.
Has been between this lady and this lord.
SEBASTIAN
[To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:
So that's it, lady, you have been mistaken:
But nature to her bias drew in that.
But nature to her inclination made it right.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
You would have been married to a girl;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived,
Nor are you there, by my life, deceived,
You are betroth'd both to a maid and man.
You are engaged both to a man and a woman.
DUKE ORSINO
Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.
Do not be distressed; his blood is noble.
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
If this is so, since it seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wreck.
I will have a part in this happy situation.
To VIOLA
Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
Boy, you have said to me a thousand times
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
That you should never love a woman the way you love me.
VIOLA
And all those sayings will I overswear;
And I will swear all those sayings again;
And those swearings keep as true in soul
And keep them as true
As doth that orbed continent the fire
That severs day from night.
as the sun.
DUKE ORSINO
Give me thy hand;
Give me your hand;
And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.
And let me see you in your woman's clothes.
VIOLA
The captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action
Has my girl's dress: he is doing something
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,
Right now for Malvolio,
A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.
A gentleman, and a servant of my lady's.
OLIVIA
He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:
He shall explain thing: fetch Malvolio here:
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
And yet, oh dear, now I remember,
They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.
They say, poor gentleman, he's in a bad way.
Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN
A most extracting frenzy of mine own
A most terrible frenzy of my own
From my remembrance clearly banish'd his.
Made me forget about his.
How does he, sirrah?
How is he, sir?
Clown
Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as
well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a
letter to you; I should have given't you to-day
morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,
so it skills not much when they are delivered.
He is doing as well as could be expected. Here is a letter.
OLIVIA
Open't, and read it.
Open it, and read it.
Clown
Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers
Look then to be pleased when the fool saves
the madman.
the insane man.
Reads
'By the Lord, madam,'-'By God, madam,'-OLIVIA
How now! art thou mad?
What now! Are you insane?
Clown
No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship
No, madam, I am only reading insanity: and if your ladyship
will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.
will have it as it should be, you must allow it.
OLIVIA
Prithee, read i' thy right wits.
Please, read in your right mind.
Clown
So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to
So I do, madam; but to read in his right mind is to
read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.
read like this; therefore prepare yourself, my princess, and listen.
OLIVIA
Read it you, sirrah.
You read it, man.
To FABIAN
FABIAN
[Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the
world shall know it: though you have put me into
darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over
me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as
your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced
me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt
not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.
Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little
unthought of and speak out of my injury.
THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'
I have been wronged and your drunken cousin has put me in darkness,
simply because I followed the instructions in the letter that you wrote,
and that I can show you. I have been treated terribly.
OLIVIA
Did he write this?
Did he write this letter?
Clown
Ay, madam.
Yes, madam.
DUKE ORSINO
This savours not much of distraction.
This does not seem like insanity.
OLIVIA
See him deliver'd, Fabian; bring him hither.
She him rescued, Fabian; bring him here.
Exit FABIAN
My lord so please you, these things further
My lord if it may please you, these things further thought on,
thought about,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
To think as well of me as a sister as you would have a wife,
One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,
One day shall celebrate the alliance, if it pleases you
Here at my house and at my proper cost.
Here at my house and at my expense.
DUKE ORSINO
Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.
Madam, I am most pleased to accept your author.
To VIOLA
Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
Your master releases you; and for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So much against the inclinations of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
So far beneath your station in life,
And since you call'd me master for so long,
And since you called me Master for so long,
Here is my hand: you shall from this time be
Here is my hand: you shall from now on be
Your master's mistress.
Your master's wife.
OLIVIA
A sister! you are she.
Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO
DUKE ORSINO
Is this the madman?
Is this the insane man?
OLIVIA
Ay, my lord, this same.
Yes, my lord, this is him.
How now, Malvolio!
How are you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Madam, you have done me wrong,
Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.
A terrible wrong.
OLIVIA
Have I, Malvolio? no.
Have I, Malvolio? No.
MALVOLIO
Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.
Lady, you have. Please, read that letter.
You must not now deny it is your hand:
You must not now deny it is your handwriting:
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;
Write differently from it, if you can, in handwriting or style;
Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:
Or say it is not your seal, or something you came up with:
You can say none of this: well, grant it then
You can say none of this: well, going from there
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
And tell me, honorably,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
Why you have made such indication of liking me,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you,
Telling me to come smiling and wearing crossed-garters to you,
To put on yellow stockings and to frown
To put on yellow socks and to frown
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;
At Sir Toby and the less-important people;
And, acting this in an obedient hope,
And, doing as I was told, hoping for reward,
Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,
Why have you allowed me to be imprisoned,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
Kept in a dark room, visited by the priest,
And made the most notorious geck and gull
And been the victim of the worst prank
That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.
That anyone ever had to deal with? Tell me why.
OLIVIA
Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Unfortunately, Malvolio, this is not my handwriting,
Though, I confess, much like the character
Though, I admit, very similar
But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.
But unquestionably it is Maria's handwriting.
And now I do bethink me, it was she
And now it occurs to me, it was her
First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,
Who first told me you were insane; then came in smiling,
And in such forms which here were presupposed
And in such a way that were hinted at
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:
To you in the letter. Please, be calm:
This practise hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee;
This prank has very cleverly been done to you;
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
But when we know the reasons and culprits behind it,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
You shall be both the plaintiff and the judge
Of thine own cause.
Of your own case.
FABIAN
Good madam, hear me speak,
Good lady, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
And let no argument or fighting come
Taint the condition of this present hour,
Ruin the happiness of this time,
Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,
Which has amazed me. Hoping it won't,
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
I freely confess that myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Pulled this trick on Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
Because of some stubbornness and rudeness
We had conceived against him: Maria writ
We had dealt with from him: Maria wrote
The letter at Sir Toby's great importance;
The letter for Sir Toby's sake;
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
In return for which he has married her.
How with a sportful malice it was follow'd,
It was all in good fun,
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;
Please find it funny rather than worth revenge;
If that the injuries be justly weigh'd
If it is considered fair the troubles
That have on both sides pass'd.
That both sides have endured.
OLIVIA
Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
Oh, poor fool, how they have outdone you!
Clown
Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,
Why, 'some are born great, some reach greatness,
and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was
and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was
one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but
a part, sir, of this business; one Sir Topas, sir; but
that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'
that's all the same. 'By the Lord, clown, I am not insane.'
But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such
But do you remember? 'Madam, why do you laugh at such
a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagged:'
an unfunny rascal? If you do not smile, he's gagged:'
and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
and in that way the wheel of time brings in his revenge.
MALVOLIO
I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
I'll have revenge on the whole bunch of you.
Exit
OLIVIA
He hath been most notoriously abused.
He has been most terribly treated.
DUKE ORSINO
Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:
Follow after him and calm him down:
He hath not told us of the captain yet:
He has not told us about the captain yet:
When that is known and golden time convents,
When that is known and the time is right,
A solemn combination shall be made
A serious union shall be made
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,
Of our precious souls. Meanwhile, sweet sister,
We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
We will not separate from here. Cesario, come;
For so you shall be, while you are a man;
For that is what you are, while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
But when in other clothes you are seen,
Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.
Orsino's wife and his love's queen.
Exeunt all, except Clown
Clown
[Sings] When that I was and a little tiny boy,
When I was just a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
A foolish thing was just a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
For the rain it rains every day.
But when I came to man's estate,
But when I came to be a man
With hey, ho, & c.
With hey, ho, etc.
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
Against villains and thieves men shut the gate,
For the rain, & c.
For the rain, etc.
But when I came, alas! to wive,
But when I came, oh no! To marry,
With hey, ho, & c.
With hey, ho, etc.
By swaggering could I never thrive,
By showing off I could never succeed,
For the rain, & c.
For the rain, etc.
But when I came unto my beds,
But when I came to my beds,
With hey, ho, & c.
With hey, ho, etc.
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
I was still drunk out of my mind,
For the rain, & c.
For the rain, etc.
A great while ago the world begun,
A great while ago the world began,
With hey, ho, & c.
With hey, ho, etc.
But that's all one, our play is done,
But that's all the same, our play is done,
And we'll strive to please you every day.
And we'll try to please you every day.
Exit
Modern Version
ACT I
SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords; Musicians attending
DUKE ORSINO
If music is what feeds love, keep playing;
Give me more than I need of it, which, without having enough,
The desire for love might starve, and then die.
That sound again! it got quieter and quieter;
Oh, it came over my ear like the sweet sound,
That drifts over a field of violets,
Stealing and then giving away the scent! Enough; no more:
It is not as sweet now as it was before.
Oh the spirit of love! You are so quick and fresh,
That, no matter your depth
Takes in as much as the sea; nothing enters there,
No matter how real and strong,
That doesn't become less and cheaper,
Even in a minute: affection is so full of imagination
That by itself it is fantasy.
CURIO
Will you go hunt, my lord?
DUKE ORSINO
What, Curio
CURIO
The hart [a kind of deer, but sounding like "heart"].
DUKE ORSINO
Why, indeed I do, the most noble that I have:
Oh, when I first saw Olivia,
I thought she took all the poison from the world!
In that moment I was turned into a heart;
And my desires, like evil and cruel hunting dogs,
Have been chasing me ever since.
Enter VALENTINE
So, what's going on? Any news from her?
VALENTINE
My lord, I am afraid I was not allowed to see her;
But her maid gave me this answer:
The sun itself, unless after giving the heat of seven years all at once,
Would not be able to easily see her face;
But, like a nun, she will walk with a veil over her face
And spread salt water around her room
Once a day, in order to honor
Her love for her dead brother, which she wants to keep fresh
And lasting in her sad memories.
DUKE ORSINO
Oh, she has a good heart,
To pay so much love and sacrifice just to a brother,
How will she love, when fate and time
Has killed her ability to love anything else
That might be found inside her; when her liver, brain, and heart,
Those ruling thrones, are all occupied and filled
Her sweet virtues with one person as king!
Let me go now to sweet beds of flowers:
Thoughts of love are richer when covered with garden plants.
Exeunt
SCENE II. The sea-coast.
Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors
VIOLA
What country, friends, is this?
Captain
This is Illyria, lady.
VIOLA
And what should I do now that I'm in Illyria?
My brother is in Heaven.
Unless by some chance he is not drowned: what do you think, sailors?
Captain
It was by chance that you yourself were saved.
VIOLA
Oh my poor brother! And so maybe he will be saved by luck
Captain
True, madam: and to comfort you with how likely it is,
Be reassured, after our ship split,
When you and the too-small number saved with you
Hung onto our lifeboat, I saw your brother,
Very wise and practical in danger, tying himself,
Courage and hope both inspiring him to do so,
To a strong mast that floated on the sea;
Where, like that mythical character riding the dolphin
I saw him fight against the waves
As long as I could see him.
VIOLA
For saying so, here's some gold:
My own escape encourages the hope,
Which your speech gives authority to,
The likelihood of him living. Do you know this country?
Captain
Yes, madam, well; for I was born and raised
Less that three hours' travel from this very place.
VIOLA
Who rules here?
Captain
A noble duke, who is also a good man.
VIOLA
What is the name?
Captain
Orsino.
VIOLA
Orsino! I have heard my father speak of him:
He was a bachelor then.
Captain
And also is now, or was so very recently;
For it was only a month ago when I left here,
And then the rumor was - since, as you know,
The poor love to gossip about the rich, That he wanted the love of beautiful Olivia.
VIOLA
What is she?
Captain
A virtuous young woman, the daughter of a count
That died about a year ago, then leaving her
Under the guardianship of his son, her brother,
Who soon also died; and for whose sake,
They say, she has given up the company
And presence of men.
VIOLA
Oh how I wish I served that lady
And would not have to face the world,
Until I had helped resolve this situation
And found my fortune!
Captain
The duke's situation is difficult;
Because she refuses any kind of courting,
No, not the duke's.
VIOLA
You are both handsome and honest, captain;
And though nature often uses an attractive wall
To disguise trash, yet when it comes to you
I will believe you have a mind that suits
Your attractive and kind appearance.
I ask you, and I'll pay you well,
Hide what I am, and help me
With the kind of disguise that would be helpful
For my purposes. I'll work for this duke:
You can present me as a eunuch to him:
It may be worth your trouble; for I can sing
And talk to him pleasantly and cleverly
That will make him hiring me very worthwhile.
What else may happen I leave to time;
Only keep my secret.
Captain
You be his eunuch, and I won't say a thing about it;
If I blab, may I go blind.
VIOLA
Thank you: now show me the way.
Exeunt
SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
What in tarnation is my niece doing, to react to the death of
her brother in such a way? I am sure moping is bad for you.
MARIA
Truthfully, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier at
night: your relative, my lady, has a lot of
issues with your bad timing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well, let her have issues before she is issued.
MARIA
Yes, but you must keep yourself inside the bounds
of proper behavior.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Keep myself! I'll keep myself no better than I am kept:
these clothes are good enough to drink it; and so are
these books too: and if they are not, let them hang
themselves in their own straps.
MARIA
That drinking and guzzling will ruin you: I heard
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of that foolish
knight that you brought in one night to try and court her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
Yes, him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He's as tall as any man in Illyria.
MARIA
What's the good of that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, he earns three thousand ducats a year [that's a lot of money].
MARIA
Yes, but he'll only have a year in all these ducats:
he's a fool and frivolous.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Nonsense! He plays
the violin, and speaks three or four languages
without having to consult a book, and has all the good
talents anyone could ask for.
MARIA
He is talented indeed: because he's also
a fool, he gets into fights: and except for
him being too much of a coward to really do
all the fighting he wants, it is thought among the more careful
that he would quickly get himself killed.
SIR TOBY BELCH
By this hand, only terrible people
would say these things of him. Who are they?
MARIA
They that add, also, that he gets drunk every night with you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Toasting my niece: I'll drink in honor
of her as long as there is space in my throat and
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a dishonorable man
that will not drink to my niece until his brains turn
inside out on themselves with drunkenness. Woman!
Enough now! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch! How are things, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, lovely lady.
MARIA
And you want this too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Interrupt, Sir Andrew, interrupt.
SIR ANDREW
What is that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's personal maid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Miss Accost, I want to get to know you better.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Good Miss Mary Accost, SIR TOBY BELCH
You're confused, knight; 'accost' means to front her, board her,
woo her, go after her.
SIR ANDREW
Truthfully, I would not undertake her right here
and right now. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
MARIA
Farewell, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
If you're going to be difficult, Sir Andrew, I wish you would
never draw your sword again.
SIR ANDREW
If you leave like that, Miss, I hope I would never
draw my sword again. Beautiful lady, do you think you have
fools that you are dealing with?
MARIA
Sir, I do not have you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
By Mary, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' please, bring
your hand to bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW
Why, sweetheart? What kind of humor are you using?
MARIA
It is dry [as in deadpan] sir.
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass that I can't
keep my hand dry. But what's your joke?
MARIA
A dry joke, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of jokes?
MARIA
Yes, sir, I have them at the tips of my fingers: by Mary,
now that I let go of your hand, I am done.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Oh knight you're without anything to say: when did I
ever see you so put down?
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see a canary
put me down. Sometimes I think I have no more intelligence
than any ordinary person has: but I am a
glutton and I believe that ruins me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.
SIR ANDREW
And having said that, I'll confirm it. I'll ride home
Tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi ("why" in French) my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? Do or not do? I wish that I had
used the time studying languages that I have in
fencing, dancing, and watching bears fight dogs: oh, if only I had
studied the arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then you would have had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have fixed my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Definitely; for you see it will not curl naturally [he's making a pun about 'artificial' as opposed to
'natural'].
SIR ANDREW
But it looks good enough on me, doesn't it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like spinning fiber on a wheel; and I
hope to see a housewife take you between her legs
and twist it off.
SIR ANDREW
By my faith, I'll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby: your niece
refuses to be seen; or if she does become willing, it's more than likely
she'll not want me: the count himself here is courting her hard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She doesn't want the count: she refuses to marry above
her level, not in wealth, age, or intelligence; I
have heard her swear it. Tut, there's still hope for you,
man.
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a man of the
strangest mind in the world; I delight in plays
and dances and parties all the time.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Are you any good at these pastimes, knight?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatever he is, under the
level of those better than me; and yet I will not compete
with an old man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What is your particular talent, knight?
SIR ANDREW
By my faith, I can dance.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And I can compete with that.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I can do gymnastics simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why are these things hidden? Why do
these gifts have a curtain before them? Are they meant
to gather dust? Why do
You not dance your way to church and come home in
glory? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
so much urinate but in a fountain. What
do you mean? Is the world meant for hiding virtues?
I did think, by the excellent structure of your
legs, that they were meant for dancing.
SIR ANDREW
Yes, my legs are strong, and they do well
in bright clothing. Shall we go about having some fun?
SIR TOBY BELCH
What else we should do? Weren't we born under the sign of Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus [as in the zodiac sign]! That gives me heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let me see the leap; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt
SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire
VALENTINE
If the duke continues these favors towards you,
Cesario, you are likely to be highly promoted: he has
only known you for three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA
You either fear his changing his mind or me no longer doing well, that makes you
question the continuing of his love:
is he inconsistent, sir, in his favors?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
VIOLA
Thank you. Here comes the count.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, hm?
VIOLA
Serving you, sir; here.
DUKE ORSINO
Stand away for a bit, Cesario,
You know nothing less than everything; I have revealed
To you even the book of my secret soul:
Therefore, good young man, walk to her;
Do not be denied access to her, stand at her doors,
And tell them that you will stand there
Until she will see you.
VIOLA
Sure, my noble lord,
If she is so full of sadness
As it is said, she will never let me in.
DUKE ORSINO
Be loud and rude
Rather than return empty-handed.
VIOLA
So if I do speak with her, sir, what then?
DUKE ORSINO
Oh, then explain to her the depth of my love,
Surprise her with an explanation of my devotion:
It will be good for you to help my troubles;
She will react to it better from someone young
Than from an older suitor.
VIOLA
I do not think so, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
Dear boy, believe it;
For they will still be tricked by your youth,
That say you are a man: Diana's lip
Is not more smooth and plump; your slender throat
Is like a young lady's, high-pitched and strong,
And everything is like a woman's.
I know your destiny is meant
For this business. Some for or five of you help him;
All, if you wish; for I myself am best
When I am alone. Do well in this,
And you will live as freely as your lord,
To call his fortunes yours.
VIOLA
I'll do my best
To romance your lady:
Aside
Oh, but such trouble and distress!
I am now in love with him myself.
Exeunt
SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
No, either tell me where you have been, or I will
not open my lips even wide enough for a hair in
giving you an excuse: my lady will hang you for your absence.
Clown
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world
does not need to fear any colors.
MARIA
Explain that.
Clown
He shall have nothing to fear.
MARIA
A good solid answer: I can tell you where that
saying came from, the one of 'I fear no colors.'
Clown
Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
In the wars; and it is very risky of you to say it.
Clown
Well, may God give wise people wisdom, and for those
that are fools, let them use their other abilities.
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being gone for so long; or
being fired, is that not as good as a hanging to you?
Clown
Many good hangings prevent bad marriages; and,
as for being fired, let the summer weather take care of me.
MARIA
You are decided, then?
Clown
No, I am not; but I have resolved two points.
MARIA
That if one breaks, the other will hold on; or, if both
break, you will fall.
Clown
Appropriate, indeed; very approriate. Well, go your way; if
Sir Toby gave up drinking, you were as witty a
woman as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Quiet, you rogue, enough of that. Here comes my
lady: excuse yourself well, you're the best one to do it.
Exit
Clown
Wit, as it is up to you, make me a good fool!
Those witty people, that think they have you, very often
turn out to be fools; and I, that am sure I do not have you, may
pass for a wise man; for what does Quinapalus say?
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless you, lady!
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
Clown
Don't you hear, gentlemen? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
Enough, you're an unfunny fool; I don't want any more of you:
besides, you become dishonest.
Clown
Two faults, lady, that drink and good advice
will fix: for give the dry fool drink, then the fool
is not dry: tell the dishonest man to mend
himself; if he mends, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the butcher mend him. Anything
that's mended is simply patched: virtue that
does wrong is simply patched with sin; and sin that
fixes itself is simply patched with virtue. If that
simple logical argument will serve, so; if it will not,
what solution is there? As there is no true betrayal
but catastrophe, so beauty's a flower. The lady said to take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I told them to take away you.
Clown
Inaccuracy in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I am
no idiot. Good lady, give me permission to
prove you are a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
Clown
Skillfully, good lady.
OLIVIA
Prove it then.
Clown
I must do so by question and answer, my lady: my good mouse
of good qualities, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, since I have nothing else to do, I'll go along with it.
Clown
Good lady, why are you mourning?
OLIVIA
Good fool, I mourn my brother's death.
Clown
I think his soul is in Hell, my lady.
OLIVIA
I know his soul has gone to heaven, fool.
Clown
Then you are a fool, lady, to mourn for your brother's
soul having gone to heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Does he improve?
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do until death comes to him:
infirmity, that ruins the wise, always makes the
better clown.
Clown
May God make you old then, and quickly, so that
you will become a fool more quickly too! Sir Toby
will swear that I am no fox; but he will not claim
that you are no fool.
OLIVIA
What do you say to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
I am amazed that your ladyship is delighted by such a
unfunny rascal: I saw him put down the other day
by an ordinary fool that had no more brain
than a stone. Look now, he's out of his element
already; unless you laugh and give him purpose,
he is gagged. I protest, I consider these wise men,
that laugh like this and these kinds of fools, no better
than the fools' antics.
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick with self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a sick person's appetite. To be gnerous,
guiltless, and free-spirited, is like taking those
things as little pellet strikes that you consider cannon bullets:
there is no false insult in an allowed fool, though he does
nothing but rant; nor no ranting in a known discreet
man, though he does nothing but criticize.
Clown
Now Mercury grant you blessings, for you
speak well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman who very much
wants to speak with you.
OLIVIA
Did Count Orsino send him?
MARIA
I do not know, madam: it is a handsome young man, with several servants.
OLIVIA
Which of my people are delaying him?
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your relative.
OLIVIA
Get rid of him, please; he says nothing but
nonsense: enough with him!
Exit MARIA
Go on, Malvolio: if it is a proposal from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; say whatever you want to get rid of it.
Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your joking gets old, and
people don’t like it.
Clown
You have spoken for us, madam, as if your oldest
son will turn out to be a bool; whose son Jove crams with
brains! For - here he comes - one of your family has a
very weak head.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
OLIVIA
By my honor, half drunk. What is he who is at the gate, relative?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
It is a gentle man here - I'm sick of these
[insult]! And what's going on with you, idiot?
Clown
Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
Relative, relative, how are you so drunk this early in the day?
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Mishearing] Lechery! I am no lech. There's someone at the gate.
OLIVIA
Yes, by Mary, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, even if he is, I don't care: give
me faith, I say. Well, it's all the same to me.
Exit
OLIVIA
What is a drunken man like, clown?
Clown
one drink more than he needs makes him a fool; the second maddens
him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
Go and get the doctor, and let him sit with my
relative; for he's in the third level of drunkenness, he's
drowned: go, take care of him.
Clown
He is still only a madman, my lady; and the fool shall look
after the madman.
Exit
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Madam, the young man over there swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he said he
knew that, and therefore comes to speak
with you. I told him you were sleeping; he seems to
have also known that beforehand too, and therefore
comes to speak with you. What should I say to him,
lady? He has protected himself against any denial.
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
He has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your
door like a guarding policeman, or a piece of
architecture, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
What kind of man is he?
MALVOLIO
Why, of humanity.
OLIVIA
What sort of man?
MALVOLIO
One with very bad manners; he'll speak with you, whether you like it or not.
OLIVIA
How old is he and what is he like?
MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough to be a man, but no longer young enough to be
a boy; the way a squash is before it is ready to eat, or a
flower bud when it is almost an apple: he is
in that zone between being a boy and a man. He is very
handsome and speaks very cleverly; you would think
he was barely grown up.
OLIVIA
Let him come near: call in my maid.
MALVOLIO
Maid, my lady calls.
Exit
Re-enter MARIA
OLIVIA
Give me my veil: come, throw it over my face.
We'll hear from Orsino's representatives again.
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants
VIOLA
Which one is the honorable lady of the house?
OLIVIA
Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
What do you want?
VIOLA
Most brilliant, exquisite, and incomparable beauty - I
beg you, tell me if this is the lady of the house,
for I never saw her; I would hate to waste
my speech, for besides it being extremely well
written, I have worked very hard at memorizing it. Good
beauties, don't subject me to bad feelings; I am easily
offended, even with the least sinister behavior.
OLIVIA
Where did you come from, sir?
VIOLA
I can't say much more tan what I have studied, and that
question is beyond me. Good gentle one, give me
some reassurance if you are the lady of the house,
that I may continue in my speech.
OLIVIA
Are you joking?
VIOLA
No, my deepest heart: and yet, by the very fangs
of evil, I swear I am not what I seem to be. Are you
the lady of the house?
OLIVIA
If I do not take over myself, I am.
VIOLA
Certainly, if you are her, you do take over
yourself; for what is yours to give is not yours
to keep back. But this is from the job I have been given: I will
continue with my speech praising you, and then get to
the main part of my message.
OLIVIA
Come to what is important in your speech: you may skip the praise.
VIOLA
Oh dear, I worked hard to study it, and it's very poetic.
OLIVIA
That makes it more likely to be faked: please,
keep it to yourself. I heard you were sassy at my gates,
and allowed you to come in instead so I could stare at you
rather than hear you. If you are not insane, go away; if
you are reasonable, be brief: I am not in the
mood to be playing games.
MARIA
Will you sail away, sir? This is the way out.
VIOLA
No, good shipmate, I will stay in this port a little
longer. Some peacemaking for your tall, sweet
lady. Tell me what you want: I am a messenger.
OLIVIA
Surely, you have some terrible thing to tell, when
you are being so outrageously polite. Get to the point.
VIOLA
That's for your ears only. I bring no declaration of
war, no demands: I am here with the olive branch
this is a peaceful matter.
OLIVIA
Yet you began rudely. What are you? What do you want?
VIOLA
The rudeness that has appeared in me I have
learned from my studies. What I am, and what I
want, are as secret as women's secrets; to your ears,
something divine, to any other's, something obscene.
OLIVIA
Give us some privacy: I want to hear this "something divine".
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
Now, sir, what is your message?
VIOLA
Sweetest lady,-OLIVIA
An established compliment, and very good too.
Where is your message from?
VIOLA
In Orsino's chest.
OLIVIA
In his chest! In what part of his chest?
VIOLA
To continue the metaphor, in the first part of his heart.
OLIVIA
Oh, I have read it: it is blasphemy. Do you have nothing else to say?
VIOLA
Good madam, please show me your face.
OLIVIA
Has your lord commanded you to be able to
see my face? You are now out of messages, but
we will pull back the curtain and show you the picture.
Look, sir, this is the face I was given, is it
Unveiling
VIOLA
Very well done, if God did it all.
OLIVIA
It was made well, sir; it will endure wind and weather.
VIOLA
It is a beauty truly made, whose red and white
Nature's own sweet and clever hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruellest woman alive,
If you will take these wonderful qualities to the grave
And have no child to carry on the looks.
OLIVIA
Oh, sir, I will not be so cruel; I will give
out several descriptions of my beauty: it shall be
inventoried, and every part and item
labeled in my will: as, item, two lips
basically red; item, two grey eyes, with lids on
them; item, one neck, on chin, and so on. Were
you sent here to praise me?
VIOLA
I see your problem is that you are too proud;
But, even if you were the devil, you are beautiful.
The Duke Orsino loves you; Oh, such love
Could simply be repaid, even if you were crowed
The absolute perfection of beauty!
OLIVIA
How much does he love me?
VIOLA
With promises, many fat tears,
With groans of love like thunder, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA
Your lord does know my decision; I cannot love him:
Even though I consider him virtuous, know he is noble,
Wealthy, young;
Pleasantly voiced, free, full of learning and courage;
And in physical appearance
An attractive person: but yet I cannot love him;
He might have known my answer long ago.
VIOLA
If I did love you the way my master does,
Suffering so much because of it,
Your denial would make no sense;
I would not understand it.
OLIVIA
Why, what would you do?
VIOLA
Make myself a cabin out of willow wood at your gate,
And keep my soul inside the house;
Write loyal poems of condemned love
And sing them loudly even in the middle of the night;
Yell your name to the echoing hills
And make the air itself
Shout out, "Olivia!" Oh, you should not rest
Anywhere between the air and the earth,
Without pitying me!
OLIVIA
You might manage a lot.
What is your family?
VIOLA
More than my fortune, yet I am doing all right:
I am a nobleman.
OLIVIA
Go back to your master;
I cannot love him: tell him to send no one else;
Unless, maybe, you come to me again,
To tell me how he takes it. Farewell:
Thank you for your trouble: here is some money.
VIOLA
I am not a mercenary, lady; keep your coins:
My master, not myself, is not getting paid back.
May love turn anyone you love's heart into a stone;
And may your passion, like my master's, be
Completely rejected! Farewell, beautiful cruelty.
Exit
OLIVIA
'What is your family?'
'More than my money, though I am doing all right:
I am a a gentleman.' I could swear you are;
Your words, you face, your limbs, action and spirit,
Give you five reasons to be liked: not too fast:
quiet, quiet!
Unless that actually was Orsino. What now!
Is it possible to fall in love so quickly?
I believe I feel this youth's perfections
Stealthily, invisibly, and subtly
To creep into my eyes. Well, let it be.
Hey, Malvolio!
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Here, madam, I am at your service.
OLIVIA
Run after that same badly behaved messenger,
The duke's man: he left this ring behind him,
Whether I would give in or not: tell him I don't want any of it.
I do not want him to flatter his lord,
Or give him false hopes; I am not for him:
If that young man will come back here tomorrow,
I'll give him reasons for it: off you go, Malvolio.
MALVOLIO
Madam, I will.
Exit
OLIVIA
I don't know what I'll do, and I'm afraid to find
My eye too much a flatterer for my mind.
Fate; show your force: we do not own ourselves;
What must be done is what must be done.
Exit
ACT II
SCENE I. The sea-coast.
Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN
ANTONIO
Can't you please stay longer? Or can I go with you?
SEBASTIAN
I'm sorry, but no. My luck has been very bad lately,
the awfulness of my fate may perhaps
ruin yours; therefore I will ask your forgiveness
and permission that I may endure my troubles by myself, it would be a bad
repayment for your love, to lay any of them on you.
ANTONIO
Let me know where you are going.
SEBASTIAN
No, truthfully, sir: my plans are
not serious. But I see that you are such a good
person, that you will not demand that I tell you
what I want to keep to myself: therefore I am obligated to
explain things to you. You
must know about me, then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,
though I went by Roderigo. My father was that
Sebastian from Messaline, whom I know you have heard
of. When he died there was just me and a sister, both
born in the same hour: if Fate had been kind,
we would have died like that too! But you, sir, changed that;
for some hour before you saved me from
the sea my sister drowned.
ANTONIO
Oh no!
SEBASTIAN
A lady, sir, though people said looked a lot like
me, was considered beautiful by many: but,
though I couldn't very easily
believe that, I will not consider it exaggeration to say
this of her; she had a mind that anyone could consider
brilliant. She is drowned already, sir, with salt
water, though I seem to drown my memories of her with more (tears).
ANTONIO
Forgive me, sir, for being such bad comfort.
SEBASTIAN
Oh good Antonio, forgive me for troubling you.
ANTONIO
If you will not reject me for my affection, let me be
your servant.
SEBASTIAN
If you will not take back what you have done, that is,
kill the man you have saved, don't ask for that.
Goodbye at once: my heart is full of kindness,
and I am still so near the hometown of my mother, that
at least once more I will go and do something.
I am heading to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
Exit
ANTONIO
The blessings of the gods upon you!
I have many enemies at Orsino's court,
Or else I would soon see you there soon.
But, no matter what, I like you so much,
That the danger seems more like fun, and I'll go anyway.
Exit
SCENE II. A street.
Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following
MALVOLIO
Weren't you with the Countess Olivia just a moment ago?
VIOLA
Yes, I have walked at a fairly relaxed pace
and just arrived here.
MALVOLIO
She is returning this ring to you, sir: you could have
saved me some trouble, to have taken it away yourself.
She adds, in addition, that you should tell your lord
that she has absolutely no interest in him:
and also, don't you dare
come back on his business, unless it is to report
how your lord reacts to it. Take the ring now.
VIOLA
She took the ring from me: I don't want it.
MALVOLIO
Come on, sir, you threw it at her, and her
decision is that is how it should be returned: if it is worth
bending down for, there it is; if not, let
him who finds it keep it.
Exit
VIOLA
I left no ring with her: what does this lady mean?
I hope she hasn't fallen for my good looks!
She took a long look at me; indeed, so much,
That I thought for sure she had lost her train of thought,
For she spoke in a very distracted way.
She loves me, surely; the cleverness of her passion
Is teasing me with this rude messenger.
She doesn't want my lord's ring! Why, he sent her none.
I am the man: if it is so, as it is,
Poor lady, she would be better off loving a dream.
Disguise, I see, you are a wickedness,
In which the devil can do much.
How easy it is for the illusion
To create an impression in a weak woman's heart!
Oh no, our weakness is the cause, not us!
For what things make us, that is what we are.
How could this be sorted out? My master loves her dearly;
And I, poor monster, am just as fond of him;
And she, mistaken, seems to be devoted to me.
What shall we do? As I seem to be a man,
I am desperate for my master's love;
As I am a woman, -- curse the day! -What useless sighs poor Olivia must breathe!
Oh time! You must untangle this, not I;
It is too difficult a knot for me to untie!
Exit
SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on, Sir Andrew: not to be in bed after
midnight is to be up on time; and 'diluculo
surgere,' you know, -SIR ANDREW
No, truthfully, I don't know that: but I know, to be up
late just means to be up late.
SIR TOBY BELCH
That is incorrect: I hate it as something illogical.
To be up after midnight and to then go to bed, is
early: so that means going to bed after midnight is to go
to bed on time. Doesn't our life consist of the
[He means earth, air, fire, and water.]
SIR ANDREW
By my faith, so they say; but I think it instead consists
of eating food and drinking wine and beer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You are a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
Marian, I'm calling you! Some wine!
Enter Clown
SIR ANDREW
Here comes the fool, by my faith.
Clown
Hello there, gentlemen! Did you never see the picture
of the three of us?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a song.
SIR ANDREW
Truthfully, the fool has a great set of lungs. I
would be willing to pay forty shillings to have such legs,
and such a great singing voice, as the fool has. In
truth, you did a great job of fooling last
night, when you spoke of Pigrogormitus, of the
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: it was
very good, by my faith. I sent you six pence for your
tip: did you get it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on; here's some money: let's have a song.
SIR ANDREW
That's a test of me too: if one knight gives a --Clown
Would you like a ballad or a drinking song?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A ballad, a ballad.
SIR ANDREW
Yes, yes, I don't care about a good life.
Clown
Oh my lady, where are you going
Oh, stay and wait, your true love's coming
Who can sing both high and low:
Wander no further, pretty darling,
Journeys need with lovers meet,
Every wise man and his son knows this.
SIR ANDREW
Extremely good, by my faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good, good.
Clown
What is love? It is now, not after
Fun now is laughter now;
Who knows what is coming?
In putting things off there is no benefit,
Then come kiss me, sweet twenty-year-old,
Being young is something that will not last.
SIR ANDREW
A melodious voice, if I am a true knight.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A catchy tune.
SIR ANDREW
Very sweet and catchy, by my faith.
Enter MARIA
MARIA
What wailing are you doing here? If my lady
has not called up her steward Malvolio and told him
to kick you out, never trush me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
My lady is a Catain, we are acting like politicians, Malvolio's
spoiling our fun, and we are three jolly men.
Oh, we're just having fun! Aren't I her family?
Another song, "TIllyvally", Lady!
Sings
'There lived a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
Clown
My, the knight is doing an excellent job playing the fool.
SIR ANDREW
Yes, he does it well enough if he feels like it, and so do
I too: he does it more gracefully, but I do it
more naturally.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Sings] 'Oh, the twelfth day of December,'-MARIA
Oh, shut up!
Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
My masters, have you gone insane? Or what are you? Do you
have no sense, manners, or honesty, but to chatter
like commoners at this time of night? Are you making
a bar out of my lady's house, that you are squeaking
your rude songs without any attempt to keep it
quiet? Is there no respect of place, people, or
time, with you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We did keep time, sir, in our songs. Keep up!
MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be honest with you. My lady told me
to tell you that, though she is allowing you to stay
as her relative, she has no loyalty to your faults. If
you can separate yourself and your bad behavior, you
are welcome to the house; if not, go away,
she is very willing to tell
you goodbye.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must leave.'
MARIA
No, good Sir Toby.
Clown
'His eyes are showing that his death is near.'
MALVOLIO
Is that so?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'But I will never die.'
Clown
Sir Toby, that's a lie.
MALVOLIO
This is a true thing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
"Shall I tell him to go?'
Clown
'And what if you do?'
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I tell him to go, without flinching?'
Clown
'Oh no no no no, you don't dare to.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out of tune, sir: you are lying. Are you any more
than a steward? Do you think, because you are
virtuous, that there shall be no more food and drink?
Clown
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot in the
mouth too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You are correct. Go sir, rub your chain with
crumbs. Some wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO
Madame Mary, if you valued my lady's favor more than
you do, you would not help make possible
this rowdy behavior: she shall know about it from me.
Exit
MARIA
Oh, enough of you.
SIR ANDREW
It is as good a deed as to drink when a man
is hungry, to challenge him to battle, and then to
break your promise with him and make a fool out of him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do it, knight: I'll write you a challange, or I'll
let him know about the challenge by word of mouth.
MARIA
Good Sir Toby, be patient about tonight; since the
servant of the count's was with your lady today, she is
in a bad mood. As for Mister Malvolio, leave me
alone with him: if I do not trick him
and make him the victim of a prank, do not think
I am clever enough to lie straight in my bed:
I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Explain to us, explain to us: tell us things about him.
MARIA
By Mary, sir, sometimes he is a bit of a puritan.
SIR ANDREW
Oh, if I thought that I'd beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? What is your excellent reason,
my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
I have no excellent reason for it, but I have a reason
good enough.
MARIA
He is uptight, a showoff, and things way too highly of himself,
and it is through that fault of his I will be able to take
revenge on him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What will you do?
MARIA
I will let him come upon some secret supposed love letters,
which by complimenting the color of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the way of his walking, the expression of his face,
he will find himself very emotionally described. I can write
very like my lady your niece: in fact we have gotten our
handwriting confused before.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent! I smell a great prank.
SIR ANDREW
I have it in my nose too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that you will drop,
that they were written by my niece, and that she's in
love with him.
MARIA
That is basically it, yes.
SIR ANDREW
Oh, that will be amazing!
MARIA
Much fun, I promise you: I know my strategy will
worth with him. I will position you two, and let the
watch what he makes of it. But for tonight, go
to bed, and dream about the event. Farewell.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW
She's a good woman.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a good woman who adores me, what of it?
SIR ANDREW
I once had someone in love with me too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's go to bed, knight. You will need to ask for
more money.
SIR ANDREW
If I can't get your niece to marry me, I will be in bad shape.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight:
I'm sure you'll get her.
SIR ANDREW
If I don't, never trust me, whatever you make of that.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go have some more to drink, it is too late
to go to bed now: come now, knight, come now, knight.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others
DUKE ORSINO
Give me some music. Now, good day, friends.
Now, my dear Cesario, about that bit of song,
That old traditional song we heard last night:
I thought it made me feel a lot better,
More than the lighter tunes
Of these fast-paced modern times:
Now, just one verse.
CURIO
He is not here, the man your lordship wanted to sing it.
DUKE ORSINO
Who was it?
CURIO
Feste, the jester, my lord; a clown that my lady
Olivia's father much enjoyed. He is around the house.
DUKE ORSINO
Go look for him, and play the tune while we wait.
Exit CURIO. Music plays
Come here, boy: if you ever shall love,
In the sweet waves of pain of it remember me;
For I am the way that all true lovers are,
Unsteady and wavering in all other motions,
Except in the constant view of the person
That is beloved. How do you like this tune?
VIOLA
It gives a perfect echo to the seat
Where Love sits on a throne.
DUKE ORSINO
You speak wisely:
By my life, even though you are young, your eye
Has been upon something that it loves:
Hasn't it, boy?
VIOLA
A little, if you would indulge me.
DUKE ORSINO
What kind of woman is she?
VIOLA
Similar in appearance to you.
DUKE ORSINO
She is not worth you, then. How old, by my faith?
VIOLA
About as old as you are, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Someone older that herself: that is how she wears to him,
So that she stays steady in her husband's heart:
For, boy, no matter how much we praise ourselves,
Our feelings are more dizzy and unsteady,
More intense, more changing, more quickly over
Than women's feelings are.
VIOLA
I think it good, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Then let your love be younger than you,
Or your affection will not be able to last,
For women are like roses, whose beautiful flower
Having been once displayed, fall that same hour.
VIOLA
And so they are: what a shame, that they are that way;
To die, even when they reach such perfection!
Re-enter CURIO and Clown
DUKE ORSINO
Oh, good man, come, sing that song we had last night.
Listen, Cesario, it is old and plain;
The spinning women and the knitters in the sun
And the weaving women
Used to chant it: it is silly truth,
And speaks of the innocence of love,
Like the old age.
Clown
Are you ready, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
Yes, please, sing.
Music
SONG.
Clown
Come away with me, death,
And in a coffin let me be laid;
Leave me now, leave me now breath;
I have been killed by a beautiful cruel young woman.
My shroud of white cloth
Oh, prepare it!
My experience of death, no one so true
Shared it.
Not a flower, not a sweet flower
Be put on my black coffin:
Not a friend, not a friend ever visit
My poor corpse, where my bones will be thorn:
A million sighs to save,
Lay me, oh, where
No one can ever find my grave,
To cry there!
DUKE ORSINO
Here's for your trouble.
Clown
No pain, sir: I enjoy singing, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
I'll pay for your pleasure then.
Clown
Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid at one time or another.
DUKE ORSINO
Give me permission now to leave you.
Clown
Now, the gloomy god protect you; and the
tailor make your shirt of colorful taffeta, for
your mind is an opal. I wish men of such
reliability were put out to sea, so their business could be
everything and their intentions everywhere; for that's
what always makes a good voyage out of nothing. Farewell.
Exit
DUKE ORSINO
Everyone else leave us alone.
CURIO and Attendants retire
One more time, Cesario,
Get to such ruling cruelty:
Tell her that my love, more noble than the world,
Better than tons of dirty lands;
The parts that fate has given her,
Tell her, I value as wildly as fortune;
But it is through that miracle and queen of gems
That nature gives her, that attracts my soul.
VIOLA
But what if she cannot love you, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
I can't accept such an answer.
VIOLA
Truthfully, but you must.
Say that some lady, as maybe there is,
Has for your love such great pains in her heart
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her back;
You tell her so; must she not then accept the answer?
DUKE ORSINO
There is no woman's resistance
That can survive the beating of so strong a passion
As love gives my heart; no oman's heart
So big, to hold so much; they don't have the capacity
Unfortunately, their love may be called appetite,
Not of the stomach, but the palate,
That can become full or tired of the same taste;
But my love is as hungry as the sea,
And can digest as much: do not compare
Between the love a woman can have for me
And that I have for Olivia.
VIOLA
Yes, but I know DUKE ORSINO
What do you know?
VIOLA
I know too well what love women may have to men.
By my faith, they are as loyal in heart as we.
My father had a daughter who loved a man,
As it might, possibly, if I were a woman,
I would love you.
DUKE ORSINO
And what is her story?
VIOLA
A blank page, sir. She never confessed her love,
But let the secret, like a worm in the bud,
Feed on her health: she wanted him in thought,
And full of gloom
She sat like a monument of patience,
Smiling in her grief. Wasn't this love too?
We men may say more, promise more, but indeed
What we show is more than what we can do, for still we prove
A lot in our promises, but not much in our love.
DUKE ORSINO
But did you sister die of her love, my boy?
VIOLA
I am all the daughters left of my family,
And all the brothers too: and yet I do not know.
Sir, shall I go to the lady?
DUKE ORSINO
Yes, that's what I want.
Go to her quickly; give her this jewel; say
My love cannot accept any denial.
Exeunt
SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come this way, Sir Fabian.
FABIAN
No, I'll come: if I lose even a moment of this fun,
let me be boiled to death with gloom.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wouldn't you be glad to have this miserly and ungenerous
rascally sheep-biter come to some noteworthy shame?
FABIAN
I would rejoice, man: you know, he got me in trouble
with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here comes the [insult].
Enter MARIA
What's going on now, my jewel?
MARIA
All three of you, hide: Malvolio's
coming down this walk: he has been over in the
sun prancing around at his own shadow this past half
hour: watch him, for the love of mockery; for I
him. Hide, for the sake of the joke! Lie down over there,
Throws down a letter
[Ed note: It is actually possible to catch a trout by tickling, but very difficult.]
Exit
Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
It is only luck; everything is luck. Maria once told
me she did have a fondness for me, and I have heard herself come
this close, that, if she did fall in love, it would be someone
who looked like me. Besides, she treats me with more
high respect than anyone else that follows her.
What should I think of it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here's a preening jerk!
FABIAN
Oh, yes! He's such a peacock when he thinks,
look how he dances under his spreading feathers!
SIR ANDREW
I swear I could beat him in a fight!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Quiet, I say.
MALVOLIO
Oh if I were Count Malviolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Insult]
SIR ANDREW
Shoot him, shoot him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Quiet, quiet!
MALVOLIO
It's happened before; the lady of the Strachy
married one of her servants.
SIR ANDREW
Fie on him, Jezebel!
[More insults and cursing.]
FABIAN
Oh, enough! Look how he's deeply in: look how
imagination carries him away.
MALVOLIO
Having been married to her for three months, sitting in
my splendor,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Oh, I wish I had a slingshot, to hit him in the eye!
[Etc.]
MALVOLIO
Calling my offers around me, in my velvet
robes; having come from a bed where I have left
Olivia asleep,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Fire and brimstone!
[More cursing]
FABIAN
Oh quiet, quiet!
MALVOLIO
And then to be the one in charge; and after a
bunch of them honoring them, telling them I know my
place as I want them to know theirs, so for my
relative Toby,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Bolts and shackles!
[More cursing]
FABIAN
Oh quiet, quiet, quiet! Now, now.
MALVOLIO
Seven of my people, obediently, make
their way to him: I frown all the time; and maybe
play with some expensive jewel of mine. Toby
comes near; bows to me,-SIR TOBY BELCH
Should we kill him?
FABIAN
No matter what, quiet.
MALVOLIO
I reach my hand out to him like this, keeping down my familiar
smile with my dignified control, -Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fate having brought me to your
niece giving me this reason to speak,' -SIR TOBY BELCH
What now?
MALVOLIO
'You must control your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out, scab!
[More insults.]
FABIAN
No, patience, or else we will ruin our plot.
MALVOLIO
'Besides, you waste your valuable time with
a silly knight,'-SIR ANDREW
That's me, I bet.
MALVOLIO
'That Sir Andrew,'-SIR ANDREW
I knew it was me; because many call me a fool.
MALVOLIO
What do we have here?
Taking up the letter
FABIAN
Now the bird is near the trap.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Oh, quiet! And I hope he reads
aloud!
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's handwriting; these are her
own C's, her U's and her T's and that's how she makes her
large P's. It is, without a doubt, her handwriting.
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's, and her T's, what is that for?
MALVOLIO
'To the one who does not know I love them, this, and my good
wishes:' -- her own ways of writing! By your permission, wax.
Soft! And the mark of her ring, with which she
It even uses her wax seal! It must be her. To whom is it written?
FABIAN
He's fallen for it.
MALVOLIO
God knows I love. But who?
I must stay silent;
No man can know.
'No man can know.' What comes after? The numbers
changed! 'No man must no:' if this turns out to be
you, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Marry, hang thee, brock!
[More curses and insults.]
MALVOLIO
I may give orders where I love;
But silence, like a sharp dagger,
Bloodlessly stabs at my heart:
M, O, A, I rules my life.
FABIAN
What a great trick!
SIR TOBY BELCH
A great woman, I say.
MALVOLIO
M,O,A,I; this coded message is not just like earlier,
yet, it seems to be me, because
each one of these letters are in my name. Quiet!
there is some prose now.
Reads aloud.
'If this falls into your hands, change. In my birth I
am above you; but do not be afraid of greatness: some
are born great, some reach greatness, and some
have greatness pushed upon them. Your fate opens
its hands; let your blood and spirit embrace them;
and, to make yourself ready for what you are likely to be,
shed your humble skin and appear fresh. Be
a jerk with a family member, rude with servants; let
you make lots of arguments and get into fights
this is her advice, the one
that is in love with you. Remember who praised your
yellow stockings, and always wanted to see them
criss-crossed: I say, remember. Go no, you are
made, if you want to be; if not, let me see
you still a steward, one of the servants, and
not worth of good fortune. Fareell.
She that would change her relationship with you,
THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
The Lucky-Sad.'
There does not seem to be any more to this letter.
I will be haughty, I will read political authors,
I will confuse Sir Toby, I will get rid of casual
friendships, I will be in every way the man she wants.
I am not fooling myself, to let imagination change
me; all the evidence points to this, that my lady
loves me. She did praise my recent yellow stockings,
she did praise me wearing criss-cross garters;
and in this she shows her love for me, and
with a kind of command pushes me to these habits
that she likes. I thank my lucky stars I am happy. I will
act strange, strong, in yellow stockings, and
cross-gartered, as soon as I can put them on.
Jove and my lucky stars be thanked! Here there is still a
P.S.
Reads
You cannot choose to not to know who I am. If you
return my love, let it appear in your smiling;
you look good when you smile; therefore in my
presence smile always, my sweetheart, please.'
Thank Jove: I will smile; I will do
everything that you want from me.
Exit
FABIAN
I would not give up my portion of this fun for even a pension
of thousands to be paid from the state bank.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I could marry this woman for this idea.
SIR ANDREW
I could too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And ask no other dowry from her but another joke like this.
SIR ANDREW
Me neither.
FABIAN
Here comes my noble prankster.
Re-enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you put your foot on my neck?
SIR ANDREW
Or on mine either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall I get rid of my freedom, and become your slave?
SIR ANDREW
By my faith, me too?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, you have put in him such a dream, that when
he loses it he must go crazy.
MARIA
No, but tell me; is it working?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Yes, amazingly well.
MARIA
If you will then see the results of the fun, watch
his first approach to my lady: he will come to her
in yellow stockings, and it is a color she
hates, and cross-gartered, a style she hates;
and he will smile at her, which will now be so
unsuitable to her preferences, as she is so fond
of gloominess, that it can't do anything but turn him
into something she hates. If you want to see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I would follow you anywhere!
SIR ANDREW
Me too.
Exeunt
ACT III
SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour
VIOLA
Save you, friend, and your music: do you live by
your tabour [a type of musical instrument]?
Clown
No, sir, I live by the church.
VIOLA
Are you a church man?
Clown
No, no, sir: I do live by the church; for
I live at my house, and my house stands by
the church [he means the actual building].
VIOLA
By that logic you may say that a king lies by a beggar, if a
beggar lives near him; or that the church stands by your
tabour, if your tabour stands by the church.
Clown
Good point. These times we live in! A sentence is
just a glove over a clever mind: how quickly the
misunderstood meaning may be taken!
VIOLA
No, that's certain; those that use words very precisely
will quickly make them wild.
Clown
I would prefer, therefore, that my sister had no name, sir.
VIOLA
Why?
Clown
Why, sir, her name is a word, and to mess around with that
word might make my sister a hussy. But indeed words
are very rascals since they were disgraced.
VIOLA
Your reason, man?
Clown
Truthfully sir, I can't give you any without words; and
since words have become so false, I would hate to prove
reason with them.
VIOLA
I believe you are a cheerful fellow and have no cares.
Clown
No, sir, I do care for something; but in my
conscience, sir, I do not have feelings for you one way or another: if that means
to care for nothing, sir, I wish it would make you invisible.
VIOLA
Aren't you the Lady Olivia's fool?
Clown
No, indeed, sir, the Lady Olivia has no foolishness: she
will keep no fool, sir, until she is married; and
fools are like husbands the way pilchards [a kind of small fish] are like
herrings; husbands are bigger ones: I am indeed not
her fool, but her man in charge of wordplay.
VIOLA
I saw you at the Count Orsino's.
Clown
Foolery, sir, walks around the sky like the sun does,
it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, except
The fool should be as often with your master as with
my mistress: I think I saw there how wise you are.
VIOLA
No, leave me alone, I won't deal with you any loner.
Hold, here's some money.
Clown
Now may Jove, in his next distribution of hair, send you a beard!
VIOLA
Truthfully, I'll tell you, I am almost sick for
Aside
though it would not grow on my chin. Is your
lady inside?
CLOWN
My lady is inside, sir. I will tell them from where you
come; who you are and what you want are out of my
sky, I might say 'element', but the word is overused.
Exit
VIOLA
This fellow is wise enough to act like a fool;
And to do that well requires a kind of intelligence:
He must observe the moods of the people he jokes towards,
The nature of people, and the time,
And, like a hatmaker, check carefully every feather
That comes in front of his eye. This is a practice
As full of labor as a wise man's skill
For the follow that he wisely shows fits;
But wise men, when they act as fools, ruin their wit.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good day, gentleman.
VIOLA
And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you come into the house? My niece wants
you to enter, if your job is to see her.
VIOLA
I am required to visit your niece, sir; I mean that is the
purpose of my trip.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Try your legs, sir; get them moving.
VIOLA
My legs do understand me better, sir, than I
understand what you mean by telling me to taste my legs.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I mean, go on, sir, enter.
VIOLA
I will answer you with walking and entering. But we
are interrupted.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
Amazing and talented lady, may the heavens rain
fragrances on you!
SIR ANDREW
That youth's an unusual nobleman: 'Rain fragrances;' well.
OLIVIA
Shut the garden door, and leave us alone.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA
Give me your hand, sir.
VIOLA
I give you my service humbly, madam.
OLIVIA
What's your name?
VIOLA
Cesario is your servant's name, beautiful princess.
OLIVIA
My servant, sir! There was never such a silly world
Since such pretending was called a compliment:
You're a servant to Count Orsino, young man.
VIOLA
And he is yours, and his must also be yours;
The servant of your servant is your servant, madam.
OLIVIA
For him, I do not think of him: as for his thoughts,
If only they were blank, rather than filled with me!
VIOLA
Madam, I come to sharpen your gentle thoughts
For his sake.
OLIVIA
Oh please, I beg you,
I told you to never speak of him again:
But if instead you were to do another kind of courting,
I would rather hear you do that
Than listen to heavenly music.
VIOLA
My dear lady,-OLIVIA
Give me permission, please. I did send,
After the last time you were here,
A ring to chase after you: and that's how I abused
Myself, my servant, and, I'm afraid, you:
Under your heart heart I must sit,
To force that on you, in a shameful trick,
Which you knew was not yours: what did you think?
Have you not set my honor at the stake
And taunted it with all the uncontrolled thoughts
That a dictator of a heart can think? To one of your receiving
Enough is shown: a tree, not a chest,
Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak.
VIOLA
I feel sorry for you.
OLIVIA
That's similar to love.
VIOLA
No, not much; it's not a good proof,
For we very often pity enemies.
OLIVIA
Why, then, I think it is time to smile again.
Oh, world, how appropriate the poor are to be proud!
If you have to be a victim, how much better
To fall in front of the lion than the wolf!
Clock strikes
The clock criticizes me with the waste of time.
Do not be afraid, good young man, I will not have you:
And yet, when wit and youth has come to full bloom,
You seem likely to turn out to be a proper man:
Your way is that way, straight west.
VIOLA
Then I shall go west! Grace and good mood
Be with your ladyship!
You have nothing, madam, for me to take to my lord?
OLIVIA
Wait:
Please, tell me what you think of me.
VIOLA
That you think you are not what you are.
OLIVIA
If that is what I think, I also think that of you.
VIOLA
Then you think correctly: I am not what I am.
OLIVIA
I wish you were the way I wish you were!
VIOLA
Would it be better, madam, than I am?
I wish it would, for now I am your fool.
OLIVIA
Oh, how his disinterest looks beautiful
In his angry lip!
A murderous guilt does not show itself more soon
Than love that would seem hidden: love's night is noon.
Cesario, I swear by the roses of spring,
By my womanhood, by honor, truth, and everything,
I love you so, that, no matter all your pride,
No cleverness or wisdom can hide my passion.
Do not demand me to explain why,
For that I woo, you therefore have no cause,
But instead have a better reason,
Love searched for is good, but even freely is better.
VIOLA
By my innocence I swear, and by my youth
I have one heart, one chest and one truth,
Which no woman has, and never one
Shall be the mistress of it, except for me alone.
And so farewell, good madam: I will never again
Come tell you of my master's sorrows.
OLIVIA
But come again; because you perhaps may begin
To love me the way he does.
Exeunt
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR ANDREW
No, by my faith, I won't stay a moment longer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Your reason, dear snake, give you reason.
FABIAN
You must give us your reason, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
By Mary, I saw your niece give more affection to the
count's serving-man than she ever gave to me;
I saw in the orchard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Did she see you during that time, old boy? Tell me that.
SIR ANDREW
As clearly as I see you now.
FABIAN
That is good evidence of her love towards you.
SIR ANDREW
Are you making fun of me?
FABIAN
I will prove it real, sir, upon the strengths of
judgment and intelligence.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And they have been good members of the jury since before Noah
built his Ark.
FABIAN
She only did it to make you jealous and rouse you into action.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, then, challenge him to a duel; that will impress her.
FABIAN
There is no other way to do it, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Will either of you take my challenge to him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do it through a letter, written angrily and bravely.
SIR ANDREW
Where will I find you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We will call you at the cubiculo: go.
Exit SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
That is a valuable man to you, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I have been valuable to him, lad, some two thousand
in money, or so.
FABIAN
We shall have a great letter from him: but you'll
not deliver it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
I don't trust him to do well at all. You could cut him open,
and I bet you wouldn't even find enough blood to clog
the foot of a flea.
FABIAN
And the youth seems no fighter either.
Enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Look, where the youngest bird of nine comes.
MARIA
Come see the hilarious sight! No Christian could believe
such impossible ridiculousness. He's in yellow stockings.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And tied criss-cross?
MARIA
Hideously so. He won't stop smiling either, and
I think my lady will hit him for sure, and he'll take that
as a great compliment.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Take us, take us to where he is.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A street.
Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO
SEBASTIAN
I wish that I had not caused you trouble;
But since you seem to enjoy what I thought would burden you,
I will not criticize you further.
ANTONIO
I could not stay behind; my wishes,
More sharp that filed steel, pushed me ahead;
And not just my wanting to see you, though so much
it was enough to make me take even a longer journey,
But worry over what might happen to you in your travels,
Being alone in these parts; which to a stranger,
Without a guide or a friend, often turns out to be
Rough and without hospitality; my willing love,
Increased by these fearful thoughts,
Made me run after you.
SEBASTIAN
My dear Antonio,
I can make no other answer but thanks
And thanks; and so often such good turns
Are not repaid as they deserve to be:
But, if I were worth as much as my conscience is firm,
You should find a better reward. What should we do?
Shall we go see the sights of this town?
ANTONIO
Tomorrow, sir: it would be best to first find you someplace to stay.
SEBASTIAN
I'm not tired, and it is a long time before dark:
Please, let us feast our eyes
With the memorials and famous things
That this city is known for.
ANTONIO
Forgive me, I killed a bunch of the count's men in a fight,
and if I were killed here it would not be punished.
SEBASTIAN
So you killed a large number of his people.
ANTONIO
Not particularly, I am more of a scapegoat in a larger fight.
SEBASTIAN
Don't walk too obviously then.
ANTONIO
It doesn't fit me. Hold, sir, here's my wallet.
In the south part of the city, at the Elephant inn,
Is the best place to stay: I will fetch out dinner,
While you pass the time and feed your knowledge
With seeing the sights: there you shall meet me.
SEBASTIAN
Why give me your wallet?
ANTONIO
It is possible you will find something you want to buy,
and I know you have little money.
SEBASTIAN
I'll carry your wallet and leave you
For an hour.
ANTONIO
To the Elephant inn.
SEBASTIAN
I will remember.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have invited him here: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? What gifts give him?
For youth is bought more often than begged or borrowed.
I speak too loudly.
Where is Malvolio? He is sad and polite,
And is good for my reputation:
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He is coming, madam; but is acting very strange. He
is surely possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what's the matter? Is he ranting?
MARIA
No, madam, all he does is smile: your
ladyship would be safest to have some guards around you, if
he comes; for, sure, he has lost his mind.
OLIVIA
Go call him here.
Exit MARIA
I am as insane as he is,
If sadness and madness are equal.
Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO
What's going on, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady, hello, hello.
OLIVIA
You're smiling?
I asked for you to come on a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady? I could be sad: it does make for some
loss of circulation, this cross-gartering; but
who cares? If it pleases one person, it is
with me as the very true poem says, "Please one, and
you please all.'
OLIVIA
Why, what is going on, man? What is the matter with you?
MALVOLIO
My thoughts are not dark, though my legs are yellow. It
came to his hands, and commands shall be
followed: I think we do know the sweet handwriting.
OLIVIA
Will you go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
To bed! Yes, sweetheart, and I'll come to you.
OLIVIA
God comfort you! Why do you smile like that and kiss
your hand so often?
MARIA
What are you doing, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
At your request! yes; nightingales answer crows.
MARIA
Why are you appearing so ridiculously and cheekily in front of my lady?
MALVOLIO
'Do not be afraid of greatness:' it was well written.
OLIVIA
What do you mean by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
'Some are born great,'-OLIVIA
Ha!
MALVOLIO
'Some reach greatness,'-OLIVIA
What are you saying?
MALVOLIO
'And some have greatness pushed upon them.'
OLIVIA
Heaven heal you!
MALVOLIO
'Remember who praised your yellow stockings,'
OLIVIA
Your yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO
'And wished to see you cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
'Go to you are made, if you want it to be that way;'=
OLIVIA
Am I made what?
MALVOLIO
'If not, let me see you a servant still.'
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
Servant
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino has
returned: I could hardly tell him to go back; he
wishes to please your ladyship.
OLIVIA
I'll go to him.
Exit Servant
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked after. Where's
my relative Toby? Let some of my people take special
care of him: I would not have him be ill for the
half of my fortune.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
MALVOLIO
Oh, hey! Are you coming near me now? No worse man than
Sir Toby to look after me! This agrees directly with
the letter: she sends him to me on purpose, that I may
appear stubborn to him; for she encourages me to that
in the letter. 'Remove your humble character,' she says,
'be contrary with a kinsman, rude with the servants;
and in general be outrageous, and she will love me!
What luck, and Jove is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Where is he? Even if he's possessed by a thousand
devils from hell, I will speak to him.
FABIAN
Here he is, here he is. How is it with you, sir?
how is it with you, man?
MALVOLIO
Go away, leave me alone.
MARIA
See, how evilly the devil speaks from inside him! Did I not
tell you? Sir Toby, my lady begs you to take
care of him.
MALVOLIO
Ah ha! Does she now?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We must be gentle with him, even if he's possessed!
Fight the devil, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you're saying?
MARIA
Look, when you speak badly of the devil, he takes
it personally! Please God may he not be cursed!
FABIAN
Take him to the wise woman [a kind of good doctor/witch combination of the time].
MARIA
By Mary, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I
live. My lady does not want to lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO
Hello, miss!
MARIA
Oh Lord!
Get him to say prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
My prayers, [insult]!
MARIA
No, I swear to you, he will not hear of godliness
MALVOLIO
Go hang yourselves, all of you! You are useless, shallow
things: I am not like you : you shall know
more afterwards.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is it possible?
FABIAN
speak badly of it as something way too unlikely.
SIR TOBY BELCH
His very genius has been infected by the trick, man.
MARIA
No, run after him now, so that the trick doesn't go too far.
FABIAN
Why, we shall make him actually insane.
MARIA
The house will be quieter if we do.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, we'll tie him up and put him in a dark room. My
niece already believes that he's insane, we
may carry it out like that, for our amusement and his punishment,
until our fun has run its course, and we decide
to have mercy on him, at which time we will
reveal the trick and honor you asa
Enter SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
More fun to have on a morning in May.
SIR ANDREW
Here's the challenge, read it: I bet there's
vinegar and pepper in it.
FABIAN
Is it that saucy?
SIR ANDREW
Yes, it is, I do believe: just read.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Give it to me.
Reads
'Young man, whatever you are, you are nothing but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN
Good, and brave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Do not be surprised, or confused in your mind,
why I call you that, for I will not show you any reason for it."
FABIAN
A good point; that keeps you safe from the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You come to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses you kindly: but you lie in your
throat; that is not the issue I am challenging you about.'
FABIAN
Very short, and very sensible.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'I will interrupt you going him; where if it
is your fate to kill me,'-FABIAN
Good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'You kill me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN
Still you keep on the safe side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
my hope is better, and so look to yourself. You
friend, as you used him, and your sworn enemy,
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
If this letter does not move him, his legs cannot:
I'll give it to him.
MARIA
You may have a good opportunity for it: he is now in
some business with my lady, and will shortly leave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, Sir Andrew, and as soon as you see him, draw your sword,
swearing terrible things.
Go fight!
SIR ANDREW
No, let me alone for swearing.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Now I will not deliver the letter: for the behavior
of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
skill and nobility; his employment between his
lord and my niece confirms it: therefore this
letter, being so incredibly stupid, will cause no
terror in the young man: he will find it comes from a
clod. But sir, I will deliver his challenge by
word of mouth; describe the knight Aguecheek with a notable report
of courage; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
youth with appropriately take it, into a most terrifying
opinion of his rage, skill, anger, and impatience.
This will so frighten them both that they will kill
one another by the look, like cockatrices. [Cockatrices were half-rooster, half-snake mythological
beings whose sight could turn things into stone.]
Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA
FABIAN
Here he comes with you niece: give them room until
he leaves, and then in a moment go after him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will ponder for a while some horrible message
for a challenge to a duel.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have said too much to a heart of stone
And laid my honor not carefully enough out:
There's something in my that criticizes my fault;
But it is such a strong fault,
That it only mocks being corrected.
VIOLA
With that same behavior your passion is going on
My master's grief is treating him.
OLIVIA
Here, take this locket for me, it is my picture;
Don't refuse it; it has to voice to trouble you;
And I beg that you come again tomorrow.
What will you ask of me that I'll refuse,
That saving my honor may then give?
VIOLA
Nothing but this; your true love for Duke Orsino.
OLIVIA
How with my honor may I give him something
Which I have already given you?
VIOLA
I will give you permission.
OLIVIA
Well, come again tomorrow; fare you well:
A demon like you could take my soul to hell.
Exit
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Gentleman, God save you.
VIOLA
And to you, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Watch out, because a terrifying fighter will assault you.
VIOLA
You are making a mistake; I am sure no man has any issue with me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Oh no, you are wrong, and if you value your life you should
be on your guard, for you opponent has in him what
youth, strength, skill, and anger can give a man.
VIOLA
Please, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
He is a knight, dubbed with a fine sword and by
royalty; but he is a devil in private
brawls; he has killed three men; and
his anger at this time is so great,
that he can have no satisfaction except through
one of you dying.
VIOLA
I will go back into the house and ask some
advice from the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some men who deliberately pick fights with
others, to see their courage: probably this is a man
of that type.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sir, no; his anger takes itself out from a
very real offense: therefore, go on and
give him what he wants. You should not go back into
the house, unless you fight with me instead
therefore, go on to meet him,
or unsheath your sword; for fight you must,
or swear to wear a weapon at all times.
VIOLA
This is as barbaric as strange. I beg you, do me
this polite favor, as to find out from the night what
my offense to him is: it is something of my
mistake, nothing I have done on purpose.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will do that. Sir Fabian, stay by this
gentleman until I return.
Exit
VIOLA
Please, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN
I know the knight is angry against you, even to a
duel to the death; but nothing more.
VIOLA
Please, what kind of man is he?
FABIAN
One of the best fighters and fearsome men in Illyria.
VIOLA
I would be very distressed about it: I am one that
would rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
do not care who knows that about my courage.
Exeunt
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
There's no solution, sir; he will fight
with you for the sake of this oath: by Mary, he has
thought better of the quarrel, and he finds that now
it is not worth talking of: therefore draw, for
the sake of his promise; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA
[Aside] May God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how little of a man I am.
FABIAN
Give him ground, if you see him angry.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, Sir Andrew, there's no solution; the gentleman
will, for his honor's sake, have one match with you;
he cannot by the warrior code avoid it: but he has
promised me, as he is a nobleman and a soldier, he
will not hurt you. Come on; start.
SIR ANDREW
Pray God, he keeps his promise!
VIOLA
They draw
Enter ANTONIO
ANTONIO
Put away your sword. If this young nobleman
Has done offense, I take it as my fault:
If you offend him, I defy you for him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You, sir! Why, who are you?
ANTONIO
One, sir, that for his love dares to do still more
Than you have heard him brag to you that he will.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, if you are taking this on, I will for you.
They draw
Enter Officers
FABIAN
Oh, good Sir Toby, stop! Here come the police.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I'll be with you in a moment.
VIOLA
Please, sir, put your sword away, please.
First Officer
This is the man; do you job.
Second Officer
Antonio, I arrest you for the sake of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO
You are making a mistake, sir.
First Officer
No sir, not one bit; I know you well.
Though you do not have your former hat on your head
Take him away: he knows that I know him well.
ANTONIO
I must do what they say.
To VIOLA
This comes from looking for you:
But there's no solution; I must answer it.
What will you do, now that my troubles
Makes me ask you for my wallet? It causes me pain
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what happens to me myself. You stand amazed;
But be comforted.
Second Officer
Come on, sir, let's go.
ANTONIO
I must beg from you some of that money.
VIOLA
What money, sir?
For the great kindness you have shown me here,
And, partly, as prompted by your current troubles,
Out of my limited amount of money
I'll lend you something: I do not have much;
I'll give part of what I have at the moment with you:
Hold, here's half my wallet.
ANTONIO
What? You're being ungrateful.
VIOLA
What?? You are the one being ungrateful!
ANTONIO
Oh by heaven!
Second Officer
Come on sir, please, go.
ANTONIO
But I saved his life!
First Officer
What do we care? Time is slipping past us: away!
ANTONIO
Oh, Sebastian, I am very disappointed in you.
First Officer
This man is going crazy: away with him! Come on, sir.
ANTONIO
Take me away.
Exit with Officers
VIOLA
Oh, he mistook me for Sebastian! Please, may I be right!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come here, knight; come here, Fabian: we'll
whisper a few poems and stories that we know.
VIOLA
I deliberately copied Sebastian, so I am mistaken for him,
May it turn out that the storms are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
A very dishonest worthless boy, and more a coward than
a rabbit is: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
friend when he needed him and denying him; and for
his cowardliness, ask Fabian.
FABIAN
A coward, a terrible coward like it was his religion.
SIR ANDREW
I'll run after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do; hit him soundly, but never draw your sword.
SIR ANDREW
If I do not,-FABIAN
Let's go see this happen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I'd be willing to bet money it doesn't happen.
Exeunt
ACT IV
SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.
Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown
Clown
Will you make me believe that I am not sent to fetch you?
SEBASTIAN
Enough, enough, you are a foolish fellow:
Get away from me.
Clown
Well held out, by my faith! No, I do not know you; and
I am not sent to you by my lady, to tell you to come
speak with her, and your name is not Master Cesario;
and this is not my nose either. Nothing that is, is.
SEBASTIAN
I beg you, spend your foolishness somewhere else:
You do not know me.
Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN
SIR ANDREW
Now, sir, have I meet you again? There you are.
SEBASTIAN
Why there's for you, and there, and there. Are all
the people insane?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Stop, sir, or I'll throw your dagger over the house.
Clown
I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, sir; fight.
SIR ANDREW
No, leave him alone: I'll go another way to work
with him; I'll charge him with assault
if there is any law in Illyria: though I
hit him first, yet it's not important.
SEBASTIAN
Get your hand off me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come on, my young
soldier, draw your sword: you are fit enough; come on.
SEBASTIAN
I want to get rid of you. What do you want now? If
you dare tempt me further, draw your sword.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what? No, then I must have an ounce or two
of this bad blood from you.
Enter OLIVIA
OLIVIA
Stop, Toby; on your life I command you, hold!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My lady!
OLIVIA
Will it always be like this? [Insult]
Suitable only to live out in the mountains and caves
Where there is no such thing as manners! Out of my sight!
Do not be offended, dear Cesario.
[Insult] be gone!
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
Please, gentle friend,
Let your lovely wisdom, not your anger, rule
In this impolite and extremely unfair extent
Against your peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear from me there how many unsuccessful pranks
This ruffian has messed up, and that you therefore
May smile at this: you shall not choose to do anything else:
Do not deny it. Forgive his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in you.
SEBASTIAN
What delight is this? How is this happening?
Or I am insane, or else this is a dream:
Let I still stay in the waters of forgetfulness;
If this is what dreaming is like, let me still sleep!
OLIVIA
No, come, please; I wish you would do as I say!
SEBASTIAN
My lady, I will.
OLIVIA
Oh, say so, and may it be so!
Exeunt
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
No, please, put on these robes and this beard;
make him believe you are Sir Topas the minister: do
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby while you do.
Exit
Clown
Well, I'll put it on, and I will be untrue to myself
in it; and I wish that I were the first that ever
deceived others in such robes. I am not tall enough to
resemble the function well, nor lean enough to be
thought a good student; but to be called an honest man
and a good housekeeper is as good as to say a
careful man and a great scholar. The players enter.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless you, master Priest.
MALVOLIO
[Inside] Who's there?
Clown
Sir Topas the minister, who comes to visit Malvolio
the insane man.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Clown
Out, terrible devil! How you trouble this man!
Do you talk of nothing but ladies!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well said, Priest.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, no man has ever been so wronged; good Sir
Topas, do not think I am insane: they have placed me
here in terrible darkness.
Clown
Out, you dishonest Satan! I call you by the most
moderate terms; for I am one of the gentle ones
that will treat the devil himself with courtesy:
are you saying that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell is, Sir Topas.
Clown
Why, it's beautiful and bright, and yet you say
it is dark?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown
Madman, you are wrong: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which you are more puzzled than
the Egyptians were in their ignorance.
MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, even if
ignorance was as dark as hell; and I say, there
was never a man treated so badly. I am no more mad than you
ask me a question, any question to prove it.
Clown
What is the opinion of Pythagoras about wild birds?
MALVOLIO
That it is possible for the soul of our grandfather to be inside a bird.
Clown
What do you think of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think well of the soul, and do not approve of his opinion.
Clown
Farewell. Stay still in darkness:
you shall hold the opinion of Pythagoras before I will
think you are sane, and be afraid to kill a bird, in case
you destroy the soul of your grandfather. Farewell.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most wonderful Sir Topas!
MARIA
You might have done this without your beard and
robes: he does not see you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to him in your own voice, and tell me how
you find him: I would rather we were finished with this
trickery. If he may be conveniently rescued, I would
like him to be, for I am now so far in offense with
my niece that I cannot safely continue with this
prank. Come soon to my room.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
Clown
'Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how your lady is.'
MALVOLIO
Clown!
Clown
'My lady is unkind, birdie.'
MALVOLIO
Clown!
Clown
'Oh dear, why is she that way?'
MALVOLIO
Hey, Clown!
Clown
'She loves someone else' - Who's calling me?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever you will deserve good things from me,
help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper,
as I am a nobleman, I will live to be thankful to
you for it.
Clown
Mister Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Yes, good fool.
Clown
Oh dear, sir, how did you lose your five senses?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so terribly treated: I
am as well in my senses, fool, as you are.
Clown
But as well? Then you must be crazy, if you are no
better in your intelligence than a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here imprisoned me; keep me in darkness,
send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
trick me out of my senses.
Clown
Well, sir, be patient. What do you have to say? I have
been asked to speak to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, please get me some light and some paper: I
tell you, I am as well as any man in Illyria.
Clown
I hope you are, sir.
MALVOLIO
By my hand, I am. Good fool, bring me some ink, paper, and
and take what I write down to my lady:
it shall be of more advantage to you than any other carrying
of a letter ever did.
Clown
I will help you to it. But tell me truly, are you
sane indeed? Or are you just faking?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not; I tell you truly.
Clown
No, I will never believe a madman until I see his
brains. I will go get you a light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll repay it in the greatest amount: I
beg you, go.
Clown
I am leaving, sir
And soon, sir,
I'll be back with you again,
In a moment,
Like sin,
You need to keep going,
Who, with a weapon
In his anger,
Yells at the devil:
Like a crazy man,
Trim your nails, man;
Farewell, good man devil.
Exit
SCENE III. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
This is the air; that is the beautiful sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel it and see it:
And though it is amazement that wraps around me,
Yet it is not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant Inn:
Yet there he was at some point; and there I found out
That he wandered all around the city to look for me.
His advice might now do me some service;
For though my soul argues with my senses,
That this may be some mistake, but not insanity,
Yet this strange turn of fate
Is so far beyond anything I've ever heard of
That I am ready to distrust my own eyes
And wrestle with my reason that persuades me
To any other conclusion but that I am insane
Or else the lady's mad, yet if it were that way,
She could not rule her house, command her followers,
Take and give back business and carrying things out
In such a capable and noble fashion
As I see she does: there's something in it
That could involve trickery. But here the lady comes.
Enter OLIVIA and Priest
OLIVIA
Do not blame me for rushing things. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this priest
Into the church: there, in front of him,
And underneath that roof that has been made sacred,
Marry me, and we will celebrate. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN
I'll follow this priest, and go with you;
And having promised to be loyal, will always be loyal.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good Father, and may the heavens so shine,
That they may beautifully observe this thing I am doing!
Exeunt
ACT V
SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.
Enter Clown and FABIAN
FABIAN
Now, as you love me, let me see his letter
Clown
Good Mister Fabian, do another thing for me.
FABIAN
Anything.
Clown
Do not ask to see this letter.
FABIAN
This is, to give a dog, and in return ask for my dog again.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords
DUKE ORSINO
Do you belong to the Lady Olivia, friends?
Clown
Yes, sir, we are some of her belongings.
DUKE ORSINO
I know you well; how are you, my good fellow?
Clown
Truly, sir, improved by my enemies and worsened
by my friends.
DUKE ORSINO
Oh no, it's the other way around; improved by your friends.
Clown
No, sir, made worse.
DUKE ORSINO
How is that possible?
Clown
By Mary, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
now my enemies tell me plainly that I am an ass; so that by
my enemies, sir, I gain knowledge about myself,
and by my friends, sir, I am lied to: so that,
conclusions being kisses, if your four noes
make two yeses, why then, the worse for
my friends and the better for me foes.
DUKE ORSINO
Very clever.
Clown
By the truth, sir, no; though it pleases you to be
one of my friends.
DUKE ORSINO
You shall not be the worse for me: here's some money.
Clown
Except for it being double-dealing, sir, i wish
you could give me more.
DUKE ORSINO
Oh, you give me bad advice.
Clown
Put your wisdom in your pocket, sir, this once,
and let your body obey it.
DUKE ORSINO
Well, I will sin this much: to be a
double-dealer: there's another coin.
Clown
One, two, three, is a good sequence; and the old
saying is, the third pays for all: the triple,
sir, is a good unit; or the bells of
Saint Bennet's cathedral, sir, will make you think; one, two, three.
DUKE ORSINO
You can trick no more money out of me at this time:
If you will let your lady know I am hear to speak
with her, and bring her with you, it may cause me to share
my wealth further.
Clown
By Mary, sir, may your money sleep until I come
again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think
that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:
I will awaken it shortly.
Exit
VIOLA
Here comes the man, sir, that rescued me.
Enter ANTONIO and Officers
DUKE ORSINO
I remember his face, but much dirtier and bloodier, in wartime.
First Officer
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her freight from Candy;
And it is him that boarded the Tiger,
Where your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
We arrested him in a private fight.
VIOLA
He was kind to me, sir, tried to fight on my side,
But in concluding it said strange things to me:
That I did not understand, except as a distraction.
DUKE ORSINO
What made you do something so risky as that?
ANTONIO
I saved his life, and then he repaid my by denying me, and
not giving back the money I had given him less than half an hour before.
VIOLA
How can this be possible?
DUKE ORSINO
When did he come to this town?
ANTONIO
Today, my lord, and for three months before then,
Without a pause, without even a minute apart
For every day and night we stayed together.
Enter OLIVIA and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But as for you, fellow; fellow, your words are insanity:
This youth has served me for three months;
But more of that in a moment. Take him aside.
OLIVIA
What does my lord want, but that he may not have,
Where Olivia may seem enough?
Cesario, you do not keep your promise to me.
VIOLA
My lady!
DUKE ORSINO
Dear Olivia,OLIVIA
What do you say, Cesario? My good sir,-VIOLA
My lord wishes to speak; my duty means I must be quiet.
DUKE ORSINO
Still so cruel?
OLIVIA
Still so loyal, Lord.
DUKE ORSINO
What, to contrariness? You rude lady,
To whose ungrateful and unlucky altars
My soul has given the most faithful offerings
That devotion ever gave? What shall I do.
OLIVIA
Where is Cesario going?
VIOLA
After him that I love
More than I love my eyes, more than my life,
More, by all the more, than I ever shall love a wife.
If I lie, may Heaven's witnesses
Punish my life for spoiling my love!
OLIVIA
Oh, me, hated! How I am tricked!
VIOLA
Who tricks you? Who does you wrong?
OLIVIA
Have you forgotten yourself? Is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
DUKE ORSINO
Come, away!
OLIVIA
Where, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
DUKE ORSINO
Husband!
OLIVIA
Yes, husband: can he deny that?
DUKE ORSINO
Her husband, sir!
VIOLA
No, my lord, not me.
OLIVIA
Don't be afraid, Cesario, we're safe.
Enter Priest
Priest, tell them what we just did.
Priest
Less than two hours ago, I married these two.
DUKE ORSINO
You liar and traitor! Fine then, marry her, take her,
but I never want to see you again.
VIOLA
My lord, I protest-OLIVIA
Oh, do not swear!
Have a little faith, even if you have too much fear.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
For the love of God, a doctor! Send one soon
to Sir Toby.
OLIVIA
What's going on?
SIR ANDREW
He has punched me and given Sir Toby a bloody wound!
I wish I were at home.
OLIVIA
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
The count's nobleman, Cesario: we thought he was
a coward, but he's the very devil himself.
DUKE ORSINO
My servant, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW
By God, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and what I did, I was put up to
by Sir Toby.
VIOLA
Why do you speak to me like this? I never hurt you:
You pulled out your sword at me without a reason;
But I spoke well to you, and did not hurt you.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown
DUKE ORSINO
Hello, gentleman! How are you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
That's not important: he has hurt me, and that's the end
of it.
Clown
Oh, he's drunk, Sir Toby, for more than an hour now; his eyes
where set at eight in the morning.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then he's a rogue, and drunk: I
hate a drunken scoundrel.
OLIVIA
Away with him! Who has made all this confusion and commotion with them?
SIR ANDREW
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be damaged together.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you help? [Flood of insults.]
OLIVIA
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked after.
Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt you relative:
But, had it been my own family,
I must have done just as much with cleverness and safety.
You give me an odd look, and by that
I do see that it has offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the promises
We made each other just a few hours ago.
DUKE ORSINO
One face, once voice, one set of clothes, and two people,
A strange freak of nature!
SEBASTIAN
Oh Antonio, oh my dear Antonio!
How the hours have tortured me,
Since I lost you!
ANTONIO
Sebastian, is that you?
SEBASTIAN
Are you afraid of that, Antonio?
ANTONIO
How have you made yourself two people?
An apple, cut in half, is not more twin
Than these two ones. Which is Sebastian?
OLIVIA
How strange!
SEBASTIAN
Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be magic in myself,
To be here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves of the sea have devored.
Please, what relative are you to me?
What country, what name, what family?
VIOLA
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
My brother was Sebastian too,
He went dressed like this to his watery grave;
If ghosts can take on both the form and clothing
You come to frighten us.
SEBASTIAN
I am a spirit indeed:
But I am in this world, clothed in the body
Which I have had since the womb.
If you were a woman, as the rest is right,
I should let my tears fall upon your cheek,
And say, 'Three-times welcome, drowned Viola!'
VIOLA
My father had a mole on his forehead.
SEBASTIAN
So did mine.
VIOLA
And when Viola was
thirteen years old.
SEBASTIAN
Oh, I remember that well!
He ended his mortal life
That day that made my sister thirteen years old.
VIOLA
If there is nothing else to make us happy
But this my male borrowed clothing
Do not embrace me till all the factors
Of place, time, fortune, do come together and jump
That I am Viola: which to prove,
I'll bring you to a sea captain in this town,
Where lie my women's clothes; by whose gentle help
I was saved in order to serve this noble count.
Everything that has happened to me since
Has been between this lady and this lord.
SEBASTIAN
So that's it, lady, you have been mistaken:
But nature to her inclination made it right.
You would have been married to a girl;
Nor are you there, by my life, deceived,
You are engaged both to a man and a woman.
DUKE ORSINO
Do not be distressed; his blood is noble.
If this is so, since it seems true,
I will have a part in this happy situation.
To VIOLA
Boy, you have said to me a thousand times
That you should never love a woman the way you love me.
VIOLA
And I will swear all those sayings again;
And keep them as true
as the sun.
DUKE ORSINO
Give me your hand;
And let me see you in your woman's clothes.
VIOLA
The captain that did bring me first on shore
Has my girl's dress: he is doing something
Right now for Malvolio,
A gentleman, and a servant of my lady's.
OLIVIA
He shall explain thing: fetch Malvolio here:
And yet, oh dear, now I remember,
They say, poor gentleman, he's in a bad way.
Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN
A most terrible frenzy of my own
Made me forget about his.
How is he, sir?
Clown
He is doing as well as could be expected. Here is a letter.
OLIVIA
Open it, and read it.
Clown
Look then to be pleased when the fool saves
the insane man.
Reads
'By God, madam,'-OLIVIA
What now! Are you insane?
Clown
No, madam, I am only reading insanity: and if your ladyship
will have it as it should be, you must allow it.
OLIVIA
Please, read in your right mind.
Clown
So I do, madam; but to read in his right mind is to
read like this; therefore prepare yourself, my princess, and listen.
OLIVIA
You read it, man.
To FABIAN
FABIAN
THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'
I have been wronged and your drunken cousin has put me in darkness,
simply because I followed the instructions in the letter that you wrote,
and that I can show you. I have been treated terribly.
OLIVIA
Did he write this letter?
Clown
Yes, madam.
DUKE ORSINO
This does not seem like insanity.
OLIVIA
She him rescued, Fabian; bring him here.
Exit FABIAN
My lord if it may please you, these things further
thought about,
To think as well of me as a sister as you would have a wife,
One day shall celebrate the alliance, if it pleases you
Here at my house and at my expense.
DUKE ORSINO
Madam, I am most pleased to accept your author.
To VIOLA
Your master releases you; and for your service done him,
So much against the inclinations of your sex,
So far beneath your station in life,
And since you called me Master for so long,
Here is my hand: you shall from now on be
Your master's wife.
OLIVIA
A sister! you are she.
Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO
DUKE ORSINO
Is this the insane man?
OLIVIA
Yes, my lord, this is him.
How are you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Madam, you have done me wrong,
A terrible wrong.
OLIVIA
Have I, Malvolio? No.
MALVOLIO
Lady, you have. Please, read that letter.
You must not now deny it is your handwriting:
Write differently from it, if you can, in handwriting or style;
Or say it is not your seal, or something you came up with:
You can say none of this: well, going from there
And tell me, honorably,
Why you have made such indication of liking me,
Telling me to come smiling and wearing crossed-garters to you,
To put on yellow socks and to frown
At Sir Toby and the less-important people;
And, doing as I was told, hoping for reward,
Why have you allowed me to be imprisoned,
Kept in a dark room, visited by the priest,
And been the victim of the worst prank
That anyone ever had to deal with? Tell me why.
OLIVIA
Unfortunately, Malvolio, this is not my handwriting,
Though, I admit, very similar
But unquestionably it is Maria's handwriting.
And now it occurs to me, it was her
Who first told me you were insane; then came in smiling,
And in such a way that were hinted at
To you in the letter. Please, be calm:
This prank has very cleverly been done to you;
But when we know the reasons and culprits behind it,
You shall be both the plaintiff and the judge
Of your own case.
FABIAN
Good lady, hear me speak,
And let no argument or fighting come
Ruin the happiness of this time,
Which has amazed me. Hoping it won't,
I freely confess that myself and Toby
Pulled this trick on Malvolio here,
Because of some stubbornness and rudeness
We had dealt with from him: Maria wrote
The letter for Sir Toby's sake;
In return for which he has married her.
It was all in good fun,
Please find it funny rather than worth revenge;
If it is considered fair the troubles
That both sides have endured.
OLIVIA
Oh, poor fool, how they have outdone you!
Clown
Why, 'some are born great, some reach greatness,
and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was
a part, sir, of this business; one Sir Topas, sir; but
that's all the same. 'By the Lord, clown, I am not insane.'
But do you remember? 'Madam, why do you laugh at such
an unfunny rascal? If you do not smile, he's gagged:'
and in that way the wheel of time brings in his revenge.
MALVOLIO
I'll have revenge on the whole bunch of you.
Exit
OLIVIA
He has been most terribly treated.
DUKE ORSINO
Follow after him and calm him down:
He has not told us about the captain yet:
When that is known and the time is right,
A serious union shall be made
Of our precious souls. Meanwhile, sweet sister,
We will not separate from here. Cesario, come;
For that is what you are, while you are a man;
But when in other clothes you are seen,
Orsino's wife and his love's queen.
Exeunt all, except Clown
Clown
When I was just a little tiny boy,
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was just a toy,
For the rain it rains every day.
But when I came to be a man
With hey, ho, etc.
Against villains and thieves men shut the gate,
For the rain, etc.
But when I came, oh no! To marry,
With hey, ho, etc.
By showing off I could never succeed,
For the rain, etc.
But when I came to my beds,
With hey, ho, etc.
I was still drunk out of my mind,
For the rain, etc.
A great while ago the world began,
With hey, ho, etc.
But that's all the same, our play is done,
And we'll try to please you every day.
Exit
Original Version
PERSONS REPRESENTED
ORSINO, Duke of Illyria. SEBASTIAN, a young Gentleman, brother to Viola. ANTONIO, a Sea
Captain, friend to Sebastian. A SEA CAPTAIN, friend to Viola VALENTINE, Gentleman attending on
the Duke CURIO, Gentleman attending on the Duke SIR TOBY BELCH, Uncle of Olivia. SIR
ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.
MALVOLIO, Steward to Olivia. FABIAN, Servant to Olivia. CLOWN, Servant to Olivia.
OLIVIA, a rich Countess. VIOLA, in love with the Duke. MARIA, Olivia's Woman.
Lords, Priests, Sailors, Officers, Musicians, and other Attendants.
SCENE: A City in Illyria; and the Sea-coast near it.
ACT I
SCENE I. An Apartment in the DUKE'S Palace.
[Enter DUKE, CURIO, Lords; Musicians attending.]
DUKE. If music be the food of love, play on, Give me excess of it; that, surfeiting, The appetite may
sicken and so die.-- That strain again;--it had a dying fall; O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet south,
That breathes upon a bank of violets, Stealing and giving odour.--Enough; no more; 'Tis not so sweet
now as it was before. O spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou! That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there, Of what validity and pitch soever, But falls into abatement
and low price Even in a minute! so full of shapes is fancy, That it alone is high-fantastical.
CURIO. Will you go hunt, my lord?
DUKE. What, Curio?
CURIO. The hart.
DUKE. Why, so I do, the noblest that I have: O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first, Methought she
purg'd the air of pestilence; That instant was I turn'd into a hart; And my desires, like fell and cruel
hounds, E'er since pursue me.--How now! what news from her?
[Enter VALENTINE.]
VALENTINE. So please my lord, I might not be admitted, But from her handmaid do return this
answer: The element itself, till seven years' heat, Shall not behold her face at ample view; But like a
cloistress she will veiled walk, And water once a-day her chamber round With eye-offending brine: all
this to season A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh And lasting in her sad remembrance.
DUKE. O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame To pay this debt of love but to a brother, How will
she love when the rich golden shaft Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else That live in her; when
liver, brain, and heart, These sovereign thrones, are all supplied and fill'd,-- Her sweet
perfections,--with one self king!-- Away before me to sweet beds of flowers: Love-thoughts lie rich
when canopied with bowers.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. The sea-coast.
[Enter VIOLA, CAPTAIN, and Sailors.]
VIOLA. What country, friends, is this?
CAPTAIN. This is Illyria, lady.
VIOLA. And what should I do in Illyria? My brother he is in Elysium. Perchance he is not
drown'd--What think you, sailors?
CAPTAIN. It is perchance that you yourself were sav'd.
VIOLA. O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
CAPTAIN. True, madam; and, to comfort you with chance, Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
When you, and those poor number sav'd with you, Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother, Most
provident in peril, bind himself,--- Courage and hope both teaching him the practice,-- To a strong mast
that liv'd upon the sea; Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back, I saw him hold acquaintance with the
waves So long as I could see.
VIOLA. For saying so, there's gold! Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope, Whereto thy speech
serves for authority, The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
CAPTAIN. Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born Not three hours' travel from this very place.
VIOLA. Who governs here?
CAPTAIN. A noble duke, in nature As in name.
VIOLA. What is his name?
CAPTAIN. Orsino.
VIOLA. Orsino! I have heard my father name him. He was a bachelor then.
CAPTAIN. And so is now, Or was so very late; for but a month Ago I went from hence; and then 'twas
fresh In murmur,--as, you know, what great ones do, The less will prattle of,--that he did seek The love
of fair Olivia.
VIOLA. What's she?
CAPTAIN. A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count That died some twelvemonth since; then leaving
her In the protection of his son, her brother, Who shortly also died; for whose dear love, They say, she
hath abjured the company And sight of men.
VIOLA. O that I served that lady! And might not be delivered to the world, Till I had made mine own
occasion mellow, What my estate is.
CAPTAIN. That were hard to compass: Because she will admit no kind of suit, No, not the duke's.
VIOLA. There is a fair behaviour in thee, captain; And though that nature with a beauteous wall Doth
oft close in pollution, yet of thee I will believe thou hast a mind that suits With this thy fair and
outward character. I pray thee, and I'll pay thee bounteously, Conceal me what I am; and be my aid For
such disguise as, haply, shall become The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke; Thou shalt present me
as an eunuch to him; It may be worth thy pains, for I can sing, And speak to him in many sorts of
music, That will allow me very worth his service. What else may hap to time I will commit; Only shape
thou silence to my wit.
CAPTAIN. Be you his eunuch and your mute I'll be; When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not
see.
VIOLA. I thank thee. Lead me on.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care's an
enemy to life.
MARIA. By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights; your cousin, my lady, takes great
exceptions to your ill hours.
SIR TOBY. Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA. Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
SIR TOBY. Confine? I'll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in,
and so be these boots too; an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
MARIA. That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a
foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY. Who? Sir Andrew Ague-cheek?
MARIA. Ay, he.
SIR TOBY. He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
MARIA. What's that to the purpose?
SIR TOBY. Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA. Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a very fool, and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY. Fye that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gambo, and speaks three or four languages
word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
MARIA. He hath indeed,--almost natural: for, besides that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller; and, but
that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
SIR TOBY. By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA. They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
SIR TOBY. With drinking healths to my niece; I'll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my
throat and drink in Illyria. He's a coward and a coystril that will not drink to my niece till his brains
turn o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano-vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Ague-face.
[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]
AGUE-CHEEK. Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY. Sweet Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW. Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA. And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY. Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW. What's that?
SIR TOBY. My niece's chamber-maid.
SIR ANDREW. Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA. My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW. Good Mistress Mary Accost,-SIR TOBY. You mistake, knight: accost is, front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW. By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of accost?
MARIA. Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY. An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
SIR ANDREW. An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you
think you have fools in hand?
MARIA. Sir, I have not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW. Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA. Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW. Wherefore, sweetheart? what's your metaphor?
MARIA. It's dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW. Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your
jest?
MARIA. A dry jest, sir.
SIR ANDREW. Are you full of them?
MARIA. Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand I am barren.
[Exit MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary: When did I see thee so put down?
SIR ANDREW. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I
have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has; but I am great eater of beef, and, I believe,
that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY. No question.
SIR ANDREW. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY. Pourquoy, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW. What is pourquoy? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I
have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. Oh, had I but followed the arts!
SIR TOBY. Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW. Why, would that have mended my hair?
SIR TOBY. Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
SIR ANDREW. But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
SIR TOBY. Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a houswife take thee between
her legs and spin it off.
SIR ANDREW. Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby; your niece will not be seen; or, if she be, it's four
to one she'll none of me; the count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY. She'll none o' the Count; she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit;
I have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.
SIR ANDREW. I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in
masques and revels sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY. Art thou good at these kick-shaws, knight?
SIR ANDREW. As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will
not compare with an old man.
SIR TOBY. What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
SIR ANDREW. Faith, I can cut a caper.
SIR TOBY. And I can cut the mutton to't.
SIR ANDREW. And, I think, I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY. Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before them? are they
like to take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come
home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a
sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent
constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about
some revels?
SIR TOBY. What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW. Taurus? that's sides and heart.
SIR TOBY. No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper: ha, higher: ha, ha!--excellent!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE IV. A Room in the DUKE'S Palace.
[Enter VALENTINE, and VIOLA in man's attire.]
VALENTINE. If the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much
advanced; he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA. You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his
love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
VALENTINE. No, believe me.
[Enter DUKE, CURIO, and Attendants.]
VIOLA. I thank you. Here comes the count.
DUKE. Who saw Cesario, ho?
VIOLA. On your attendance, my lord; here.
DUKE. Stand you awhile aloof.--Cesario, Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd To thee the
book even of my secret soul: Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her; Be not denied access,
stand at her doors, And tell them there thy fixed foot shall grow Till thou have audience.
VIOLA. Sure, my noble lord, If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow As it is spoke, she never will admit
me.
DUKE. Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds, Rather than make unprofited return.
VIOLA. Say I do speak with her, my lord. What then?
DUKE. O, then unfold the passion of my love, Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith: It shall
become thee well to act my woes; She will attend it better in thy youth Than in a nuncio of more grave
aspect.
VIOLA. I think not so, my lord.
DUKE. Dear lad, believe it, For they shall yet belie thy happy years That say thou art a man: Diana's
lip Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound, And all is
semblative a woman's part. I know thy constellation is right apt For this affair:--some four or five
attend him: All, if you will; for I myself am best When least in company:--prosper well in this, And
thou shalt live as freely as thy lord, To call his fortunes thine.
VIOLA. I'll do my best To woo your lady. [Aside] Yet, a barful strife! Whoe'er I woo, myself would be
his wife.
SCENE V. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
MARIA. Nay; either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may
enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
CLOWN. Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
MARIA. Make that good.
CLOWN. He shall see none to fear.
MARIA. A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of, I fear no colours.
CLOWN. Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA. In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
CLOWN. Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent: or to be turned away; is not that as good as a
hanging to you?
CLOWN. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out.
MARIA. You are resolute, then?
CLOWN. Not so, neither: but I am resolved on two points.
MARIA. That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, your gaskins fall.
CLOWN. Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as
witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA. Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely; you were
best.
[Exit.]
[Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO.]
CLOWN. Wit, and't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very
oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus?
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.--God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA. Take the fool away.
CLOWN. Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA. Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
CLOWN. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink,
then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is
but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will
serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a
flower:--the lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA. Sir, I bade them take away you.
CLOWN. Misprision in the highest degree!--Lady, Cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to
say, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
OLIVIA. Can you do it?
CLOWN. Dexteriously, good madonna.
OLIVIA. Make your proof.
CLOWN. I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA. Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll 'bide your proof.
CLOWN. Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?
OLIVIA. Good fool, for my brother's death.
CLOWN. I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA. I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
CLOWN. The more fool you, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.--Take away
the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
MALVOLIO. Yes; and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth
ever make the better fool.
CLOWN. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.
OLIVIA. How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal; I saw him put down the
other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his
guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him,
he is gagged. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the
fools' zanies.
OLIVIA. O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets.
There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
CLOWN. Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
[Re-enter MARIA.]
MARIA. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA. From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA. I know not, madam; 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
OLIVIA. Who of my people hold him in delay?
MARIA. Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA. Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman. Fie on him!
[Exit MARIA]
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will to dismiss it.
[Exit MALVOLIO.]
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
CLOWN. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool: whose skull Jove
cram with brains, for here he comes-- one of thy kin, has a most weak pia mater.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH.]
OLIVIA. By mine honour, half drunk!--What is he at the gate, cousin?
SIR TOBY. A gentleman.
OLIVIA. A gentleman? What gentleman?
SIR TOBY. 'Tis a gentleman here.--A plague o' these pickle-herrings!--How now, sot?
CLOWN. Good Sir Toby,-OLIVIA. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
SIR TOBY. Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
OLIVIA. Ay, marry; what is he?
SIR TOBY. Let him be the devil an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
[Exit.]
OLIVIA. What's a drunken man like, fool?
CLOWN. Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the
second mads him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA. Go thou and seek the coroner, and let him sit o' my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink;
he's drowned: go, look after him.
CLOWN. He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.
[Exit CLOWN.]
[Re-enter MALVOLIO.]
MALVOLIO. Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he
takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you; I told him you were
asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is
to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial.
OLIVIA. Tell him, he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO. Has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the
supporter of a bench, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA. What kind of man is he?
MALVOLIO. Why, of mankind.
OLIVIA. What manner of man?
MALVOLIO. Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
OLIVIA. Of what personage and years is he?
MALVOLIO. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a
peascod, or a codling, when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him e'en standing water, between boy and
man. He is very well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother's milk were
scarce out of him.
OLIVIA. Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
MALVOLIO. Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
[Exit.]
[Re-enter MARIA.]
OLIVIA. Give me my veil; come, throw it o'er my face; We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
[Enter VIOLA.]
VIOLA. The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
OLIVIA. Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
VIOLA. Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty,--I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the
house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech; for, besides that it is excellently
well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
OLIVIA. Whence came you, sir?
VIOLA. I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one,
give me modest assurance, if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
OLIVIA. Are you a comedian?
VIOLA. No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are
you the lady of the house?
OLIVIA. If I do not usurp myself, I am.
VIOLA. Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to
reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
the heart of my message.
OLIVIA. Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
VIOLA. Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
OLIVIA. It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates;
and allowed your approach, rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if you
have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
MARIA. Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
VIOLA. No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer.-- Some mollification for your giant, sweet
lady.
OLIVIA. Tell me your mind.
VIOLA. I am a messenger.
OLIVIA. Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak
your office.
VIOLA. It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage; I hold the olive
in my hand: my words are as full of peace as matter.
OLIVIA. Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
VIOLA. The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am and
what I would are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other's, profanation.
OLIVIA. Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
[Exit MARIA.]
Now, sir, what is your text?
VIOLA. Most sweet lady,-OLIVIA. A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text?
VIOLA. In Orsino's bosom.
OLIVIA. In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?
VIOLA. To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
OLIVIA. O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
VIOLA. Good madam, let me see your face.
OLIVIA. Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? you are now out of your
text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this
present. Is't not well done?
[Unveiling.]
VIOLA. Excellently done, if God did all.
OLIVIA. 'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
VIOLA. 'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruel'st she alive, If you will lead these graces to the grave, And leave the world no
copy.
OLIVIA. O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be
inventoried; and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item,
two grey eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise
me?
VIOLA. I see you what you are: you are too proud; But, if you were the devil, you are fair. My lord and
master loves you. O, such love Could be but recompens'd though you were crown'd The nonpareil of
beauty!
OLIVIA. How does he love me?
VIOLA. With adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA. Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him: Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him
noble, Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; In voices well divulged, free, learn'd, and valiant,
And, in dimension and the shape of nature, A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him; He might
have took his answer long ago.
VIOLA. If I did love you in my master's flame, With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial
I would find no sense, I would not understand it.
OLIVIA. Why, what would you?
VIOLA. Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal
cantons of contemned love, And sing them loud, even in the dead of night; Holla your name to the
reverberate hills, And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out Olivia! O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth, But you should pity me.
OLIVIA. You might do much. What is your parentage?
VIOLA. Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.
OLIVIA. Get you to your lord; I cannot love him: let him send no more; Unless, perchance, you come
to me again, To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well: I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
VIOLA. I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse; My master, not myself, lacks recompense. Love
make his heart of flint that you shall love; And let your fervour, like my master's, be Placed in
contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
[Exit.]
OLIVIA. What is your parentage? 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.'--I'll be
sworn thou art; Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit, Do give thee five-fold blazon. Not
too fast:--soft, soft! Unless the master were the man.--How now? Even so quickly may one catch the
plague? Methinks I feel this youth's perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth To creep in at mine
eyes. Well, let it be.-- What, ho, Malvolio!-[Re-enter MALVOLIO.]
MALVOLIO. Here, madam, at your service.
OLIVIA. Run after that same peevish messenger, The county's man: he left this ring behind him,
Would I or not; tell him I'll none of it. Desire him not to flatter with his lord, Nor hold him up with
hopes; I am not for him: If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, I'll give him reasons for't. Hie
thee, Malvolio.
MALVOLIO. Madam, I will.
[Exit.]
OLIVIA. I do I know not what: and fear to find Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. Fate, show
thy force. Ourselves we do not owe: What is decreed must be; and be this so!
[Exit.]
ACT II
SCENE I. The sea-coast.
[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.]
ANTONIO. Will you stay no longer; nor will you not that I go with you?
SEBASTIAN. By your patience, no; my stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might,
perhaps, distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone. It
were a bad recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.
ANTONIO. Let me know of you whither you are bound.
SEBASTIAN. No, 'sooth, sir; my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so
excellent a touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in; therefore it
charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me then, Antonio, my name is
Sebastian, which I called Rodorigo; my father was that Sebastian of Messaline whom I know you have
heard of: he left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour; if the heavens had been pleased,
would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that; for some hours before you took me from the breach
of the sea was my sister drowned.
ANTONIO. Alas the day!
SEBASTIAN. A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted
beautiful: but though I could not, with such estimable wonder, overfar believe that, yet thus far I will
boldly publish her,--she bore mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with
salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.
ANTONIO. Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.
SEBASTIAN. O, good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.
ANTONIO. If you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant.
SEBASTIAN. If you will not undo what you have done--that is, kill him whom you have
recovered--desire it not. Fare ye well at once; my bosom is full of kindness; and I am yet so near the
manners of my mother that, upon the least occasion more, mine eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to
the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
[Exit.]
ANTONIO. The gentleness of all the gods go with thee! I have many cnemies in Orsino's court, Else
would I very shortly see thee there: But come what may, I do adore thee so That danger shall seem
sport, and I will go.
[Exit.]
SCENE II. A street.
[Enter VIOLA; MALVOLIO following.]
MALVOLIO. Were you not even now with the Countess Olivia?
VIOLA. Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither.
MALVOLIO. She returns this ring to you, sir; you might have saved me my pains, to have taken it
away yourself. She adds moreover, that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will
none of him: and one thing more: that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs, unless it be to
report your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.
VIOLA. She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.
MALVOLIO. Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her will is it should be so returned. If it be
worth stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be it his that finds it.
[Exit.]
VIOLA. I left no ring with her; what means this lady? Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
She made good view of me; indeed, so much, That methought her eyes had lost her tongue, For she did
speak in starts distractedly. She loves me, sure: the cunning of her passion Invites me in this churlish
messenger. None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none. I am the man; --if it be so,--as 'tis,-- Poor
lady, she were better love a dream. Disguise, I see thou art a wickedness Wherein the pregnant enemy
does much. How easy is it for the proper-false In women's waxen hearts to set their forms! Alas, our
frailty is the cause, not we; For such as we are made of, such we be. How will this fadge? My master
loves her dearly, And I, poor monster, fond as much on him; And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
What will become of this? As I am man, My state is desperate for my master's love; As I am woman,
now alas the day! What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe! O time, thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
[Exit.]
SCENE III. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]
SIR TOBY. Approach, Sir Andrew; not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes; and diluculo
surgere, thou know'st.
SIR ANDREW. Nay; by my troth, I know not; but I know to be up late is to be up late.
SIR TOBY. A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight, and to go to bed
then is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Do not our lives consist of the
four elements?
SIR ANDREW. Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.
SIR TOBY. Thou art a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.-- Marian, I say!--a stoup of wine.
[Enter CLOWN.]
SIR ANDREW. Here comes the fool, i' faith.
CLOWN. How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of we three?
SIR TOBY. Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.
SIR ANDREW. By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had
such a leg; and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling
last night when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus;
'twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. Hadst it?
CLOWN. I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand,
and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
SIR ANDREW. Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now, a song.
SIR TOBY. Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.
SIR ANDREW. There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a-CLOWN. Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?
SIR TOBY. A love-song, a love-song.
SIR ANDREW. Ay, ay; I care not for good life.
CLOWN. SONG O, mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
That can sing both high and low: Trip no further, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know.
SIR ANDREW. Excellent good, i' faith.
SIR TOBY. Good, good.
CLOWN. What is love? 'tis not hereafter; Present mirth hath present laughter; What's to come is still
unsure. In delay there lies no plenty; Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty; Youth's a stuff will not
endure.
SIR ANDREW. A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
SIR TOBY. A contagious breath.
SIR ANDREW. Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.
SIR TOBY. To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed?
Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?
SIR ANDREW. An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.
CLOWN. By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
SIR ANDREW. Most certain: let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'
CLOWN. 'Hold thy peace, thou knave' knight? I shall be constrain'd in't to call thee knave, knight.
SIR ANDREW. 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool; it begins
'Hold thy peace.'
CLOWN. I shall never begin if I hold my peace.
SIR ANDREW. Good, i' faith! Come, begin.
[They sing a catch.]
[Enter MARIA.]
MARIA. What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio,
and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
SIR TOBY. My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians; Malvolio's a Peg-a-Ramsey, and [Singing.] 'Three
merry men be we.' Am not I consanguineous? am I not of her blood? Tilly-valley, lady. 'There dwelt a
man in Babylon, lady, lady.'
CLOWN. Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
SIR ANDREW. Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too; he does it with a better
grace, but I do it more natural.
SIR TOBY. [Singing] O, the twelfth day of December,-MARIA. For the love o' God, peace!
[Enter MALVOLIO]
MALVOLIO. My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but
to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an ale-house of my lady's house, that ye squeak
out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place,
persons, nor time, in you?
SIR TOBY. We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
MALVOLIO. Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you that, though she harbours
you as her kinsman she's nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your
misdemeanours, you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is
very willing to bid you farewell.
SIR TOBY. 'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
MARIA. Nay, good Sir Toby.
CLOWN. 'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'
MALVOLIO. Is't even so?
SIR TOBY. 'But I will never die.'
CLOWN. Sir Toby, there you lie.
MALVOLIO. This is much credit to you.
SIR TOBY. [Singing] 'Shall I bid him go?'
CLOWN. 'What an if you do?'
SIR TOBY. 'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'
CLOWN. 'O, no, no, no, no, you dare not.'
SIR TOBY. Out o' tune? sir, ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
CLOWN. Yes, by Saint Anne; and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
SIR TOBY. Thou'art i' the right.--Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs: A stoup of wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO. Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at anything more than contempt, you
would not give means for this uncivil rule; she shall know of it, by this hand.
[Exit.]
MARIA. Go shake your ears.
SIR ANDREW. 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry, to challenge him the field,
and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.
SIR TOBY. Do't, knight; I'll write thee a challenge; or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of
mouth.
MARIA. Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for to-night; since the youth of the count's was to-day with my
lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed.
I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY. Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
MARIA. Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of Puritan.
SIR ANDREW. O, if I thought that, I'd beat him like a dog.
SIR TOBY. What, for being a Puritan? thy exquisite reason, dear knight?
SIR ANDREW. I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason good enough.
MARIA. The devil a Puritan that he is, or anything constantly but a time-pleaser: an affectioned ass
that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed,
as he thinks, with excellences, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him; and on
that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.
SIR TOBY. What wilt thou do?
MARIA. I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the
shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall
find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady, your niece; on a forgotten matter
we can hardly make distinction of our hands.
SIR TOBY. Excellent! I smell a device.
SIR ANDREW. I have't in my nose too.
SIR TOBY. He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that
she is in love with him.
MARIA. My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
SIR ANDREW. And your horse now would make him an ass.
MARIA. Ass, I doubt not.
SIR ANDREW. O 'twill be admirable!
MARIA. Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let
the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed,
and dream on the event. Farewell.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW. Before me, she's a good wench.
SIR TOBY. She's a beagle true bred, and one that adores me. What o' that?
SIR ANDREW. I was adored once too.
SIR TOBY. Let's to bed, knight.--Thou hadst need send for more money.
SIR ANDREW. If I cannot recover your niece I am a foul way out.
SIR TOBY. Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i' the end, call me Cut.
SIR ANDREW. If I do not, never trust me; take it how you will.
SIR TOBY. Come, come; I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late to go to bed now: come, knight; come,
knight.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE IV. A Room in the DUKE'S Palace.
[Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO, and others.]
DUKE. Give me some music:--Now, good morrow, friends:-- Now, good Cesario, but that piece of
song, That old and antique song we heard last night; Methought it did relieve my passion much; More
than light airs and recollected terms Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:-- Come, but one verse.
CURIO. He is not here, so please your lordship, that should sing it.
DUKE. Who was it?
CURIO. Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the Lady Olivia's father took much delight in: he is about
the house.
DUKE. Seek him out, and play the tune the while.
[Exit CURIO. Music.]
Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me: For, such as I am, all
true lovers are; Unstaid and skittish in all motions else, Save in the constant image of the creature That
is belov'd.--How dost thou like this tune?
VIOLA. It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.
DUKE. Thou dost speak masterly: My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye Hath stayed upon
some favour that it loves; Hath it not, boy?
VIOLA. A little, by your favour.
DUKE. What kind of woman is't?
VIOLA. Of your complexion.
DUKE. She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?
VIOLA. About your years, my lord.
DUKE. Too old, by heaven! Let still the woman take An elder than herself; so wears she to him, So
sways she level in her husband's heart. For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, Our fancies are more
giddy and unfirm, More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won, Than women's are.
VIOLA. I think it well, my lord.
DUKE. Then let thy love be younger than thyself, Or thy affection cannot hold the bent: For women
are as roses, whose fair flower, Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.
VIOLA. And so they are: alas, that they are so; To die, even when they to perfection grow!
[Re-enter CURIO and CLOWN.]
DUKE. O, fellow, come, the song we had last night:-- Mark it, Cesario; it is old and plain: The
spinsters and the knitters in the sun, And the free maids, that weave their thread with bones, Do use to
chant it: it is silly sooth, And dallies with the innocence of love Like the old age.
CLOWN. Are you ready, sir?
DUKE. Ay; pr'ythee, sing. [Music]
CLOWN. SONG Come away, come away, death. And in sad cypress let me be laid; Fly away, fly
away, breath; I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My
part of death no one so true Did share it.
Not a flower, not a flower sweet, On my black coffin let there be strown: Not a friend, not a friend
greet My poor corpse where my bones shall be thrown: A thousand thousand sighs to save, Lay me, O,
where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there!
DUKE. There's for thy pains.
CLOWN. No pains, sir; I take pleasure in singing, sir.
DUKE. I'll pay thy pleasure, then.
CLOWN. Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid one time or another.
DUKE. Give me now leave to leave thee.
CLOWN. Now the melancholy god protect thee; and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta,
for thy mind is a very opal!--I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might
be everything, and their intent everywhere; for that's it that always makes a good voyage of
nothing.--Farewell.
[Exit CLOWN.]
DUKE. Let all the rest give place.-[Exeunt CURIO and Attendants.]
Once more, Cesario, Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty: Tell her my love, more noble than the
world, Prizes not quantity of dirty lands; The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her, Tell her, I hold
as giddily as fortune; But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems That Nature pranks her in attracts my
soul.
VIOLA. But if she cannot love you, sir?
DUKE. I cannot be so answer'd.
VIOLA. 'Sooth, but you must. Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love as great a
pang of heart As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her; You tell her so. Must she not then be
answer'd?
DUKE. There is no woman's sides Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my
heart: no woman's heart So big to hold so much; they lack retention. Alas, their love may be called
appetite,-- No motion of the liver, but the palate,-- That suffer surfeit, cloyment, and revolt; But mine is
all as hungry as the sea, And can digest as much: make no compare Between that love a woman can
bear me And that I owe Olivia.
VIOLA. Ay, but I know,-DUKE. What dost thou know?
VIOLA. Too well what love women to men may owe. In faith, they are as true of heart as we. My
father had a daughter loved a man, As it might be perhaps, were I a woman, I should your lordship.
DUKE. And what's her history?
VIOLA. A blank, my lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud, Feed
on her damask cheek: she pined in thought; And with a green and yellow melancholy, She sat like
patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love, indeed? We men may say more, swear
more; but indeed, Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our
love.
DUKE. But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
VIOLA. I am all the daughters of my father's house, And all the brothers too;--and yet I know not.-Sir, shall I to this lady?
DUKE. Ay, that's the theme. To her in haste: give her this jewel; say My love can give no place, bide
no denay.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE V. OLIVIA'S garden.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.]
SIR TOBY. Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN. Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY. Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable
shame?
FABIAN. I would exult, man; you know he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting
here.
SIR TOBY. To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue:--shall we not,
Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW. An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
[Enter MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. Here comes the little villain:--How now, my nettle of India?
MARIA. Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down this walk; he has been yonder i'
the sun practising behaviour to his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery;
for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! [The men
hide themselves.]
Lie thou there; [Throws down a letter] for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
[Exit Maria.]
[Enter MALVOLIO.]
MALVOLIO. 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me: and I have heard
herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses
me with a more exalted respect than any one else that follows her. What should I think on't?
SIR TOBY. Here's an overweening rogue!
FABIAN. O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced
plumes!
SIR ANDREW. 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue:-SIR TOBY. Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO. To be Count Malvolio;-SIR TOBY. Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW. Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY. Peace, peace.
MALVOLIO. There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
SIR ANDREW. Fie on him, Jezebel!
FABIAN. O, peace! now he's deeply in; look how imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO. Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state,-SIR TOBY. O for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO. Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown; having come from a
day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping.
SIR TOBY. Fire and brimstone!
FABIAN. O, peace, peace.
MALVOLIO. And then to have the humour of state: and after a demure travel of regard,--telling them I
know my place as I would they should do theirs,--to ask for my kinsman Toby.
SIR TOBY. Bolts and shackles!
FABIAN. O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.
MALVOLIO. Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him: I frown the while, and
perchance, wind up my watch, or play with some rich jewel. Toby approaches; court'sies there to me:
SIR TOBY. Shall this fellow live?
FABIAN. Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
MALVOLIO. I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of
control:
SIR TOBY. And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
MALVOLIO. Saying 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece, give me this
prerogative of speech':--
SIR TOBY. What, what?
MALVOLIO. 'You must amend your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY. Out, scab!
FABIAN. Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO. 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight';
SIR ANDREW. That's me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO. 'One Sir Andrew':
SIR ANDREW. I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO. What employment have we here?
[Taking up the letter.]
FABIAN. Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY. O, peace! And the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him!
MALVOLIO. By my life, this is my lady's hand: these be her very C's, her U's, and her T's; and thus
makes she her great P's. It is in contempt of question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW. Her C's, her U's, and her T's. Why that?
MALVOLIO. [Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes.' Her very phrases!--By
your leave, wax.--Soft!--and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To
whom should this be?
FABIAN. This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO. [Reads] 'Jove knows I love, But who? Lips, do not move, No man must know.'
'No man must know.'--What follows? the numbers alter'd!--'No man must know':--If this should be
thee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY. Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO. 'I may command where I adore: But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke
my heart doth gore; M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.'
FABIAN. A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY. Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO. 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.'--Nay, but first let me see,--let me see,--let me see.
FABIAN. What dish of poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY. And with what wing the stannyel checks at it!
MALVOLIO. 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command me: I serve her, she is my
lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity; there is no obstruction in this;--And the end,--What
should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me.--Softly!--M,
O, A, I.-SIR TOBY. O, ay, make up that:--he is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN. Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.
MALVOLIO. M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
FABIAN. Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults.
MALVOLIO. M,--But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under probation: A should
follow, but O does.
FABIAN. And O shall end, I hope.
SIR TOBY. Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry 'O!'
MALVOLIO. And then I comes behind.
FABIAN. Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than
fortunes before you.
MALVOLIO. M, O, A, I;--This simulation is not as the former:--and yet, to crush this a little, it would
bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft; here follows prose.-- 'If this fall into thy
hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some
achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Thy fates open their hands; let thy blood
and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and
appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants: let thy tongue tang arguments of state;
put thyself into the trick of singularity: She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who
commended thy yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to;
thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and
not worthy to touch fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, 'The
fortunate-unhappy.'
Daylight and champian discovers not more: this is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I
will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the very man. I do not
now fool myself to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She
did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered; and in this she
manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I
thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with
the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised!--Here is yet a postscript. 'Thou canst not
choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become
thee well: therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I pr'ythee.' Jove, I thank thee. I will
smile; I will do everything that thou wilt have me.
[Exit.]
FABIAN. I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY. I could marry this wench for this device:
SIR ANDREW. So could I too.
SIR TOBY. And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
[Enter MARIA.]
SIR ANDREW. Nor I neither.
FABIAN. Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
SIR TOBY. Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
SIR ANDREW. Or o' mine either?
SIR TOBY. Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave?
SIR ANDREW. I' faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY. Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that, when the image of it leaves him, he must run
mad.
MARIA. Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY. Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
MARIA. If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will
come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt; if you will see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY. To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW. I'll make one too.
[Exeunt.]
ACT III
SCENE I. OLIVIA'S garden.
[Enter VIOLA, and CLOWN with a tabor.]
VIOLA. Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor?
CLOWN. No, sir, I live by the church.
VIOLA. Art thou a churchman?
CLOWN. No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth
stand by the church.
VIOLA. So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or the church stands
by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the church.
CLOWN. You have said, sir.--To see this age!--A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit. How
quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!
VIOLA. Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.
CLOWN. I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.
VIOLA. Why, man?
CLOWN. Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But
indeed words are very rascals, since bonds disgraced them.
VIOLA. Thy reason, man?
CLOWN. Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and words are grown so false I am loath to
prove reason with them.
VIOLA. I warrant, thou art a merry fellow, and carest for nothing.
CLOWN. Not so, sir, I do care for something: but in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you; if that be
to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.
VIOLA. Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
CLOWN. No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married;
and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger; I am, indeed, not
her fool, but her corrupter of words.
VIOLA. I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.
CLOWN. Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir,
but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.
VIOLA. Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee.
CLOWN. Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
VIOLA. By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; though I would not have it grow on my
chin. Is thy lady within?
CLOWN. Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?
VIOLA. Yes, being kept together and put to use.
CLOWN. I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.
VIOLA. I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.
CLOWN. The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is
within, sir. I will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my
welkin: I might say element; but the word is overworn.
[Exit.]
VIOLA. This fellow's wise enough to play the fool; And, to do that well, craves a kind of wit: He must
observe their mood on whom he jests, The quality of persons, and the time; And, like the haggard,
check at every feather That comes before his eye. This is a practice As full of labour as a wise man's
art: For folly, that he wisely shows, is fit; But wise men, folly-fallen, quite taint their wit.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]
SIR TOBY. Save you, gentleman.
VIOLA. And you, sir.
SIR ANDREW. Dieu vous garde, monsieur.
VIOLA. Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.
SIR ANDREW. I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.
SIR TOBY. Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to
her.
VIOLA. I am bound to your niece, sir: I mean, she is the list of my voyage.
SIR TOBY. Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.
VIOLA. My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste
my legs.
SIR TOBY. I mean, to go, sir, to enter.
VIOLA. I will answer you with gait and entrance: but we are prevented.
[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.]
Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!
SIR ANDREW. That youth's a rare courtier- 'Rain odours'! well.
VIOLA. My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed car.
SIR ANDREW. 'Odours,' 'pregnant,' and 'vouchsafed':--I'll get 'em all three ready.
OLIVIA. Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA.]
Give me your hand, sir.
VIOLA. My duty, madam, and most humble service.
OLIVIA. What is your name?
VIOLA. Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
OLIVIA. My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world, Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment: You
are servant to the Count Orsino, youth.
VIOLA. And he is yours, and his must needs be yours; Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
OLIVIA. For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts, Would they were blanks rather than fill'd with
me!
VIOLA. Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts On his behalf:-OLIVIA. O, by your leave, I pray you: I bade you never speak again of him: But, would you undertake
another suit, I had rather hear you to solicit that Than music from the spheres.
VIOLA. Dear lady,-OLIVIA. Give me leave, beseech you: I did send, After the last enchantment you did here, A ring in
chase of you; so did I abuse Myself, my servant, and, I fear me, you: Under your hard construction
must I sit; To force that on you, in a shameful cunning, Which you knew none of yours. What might
you think? Have you not set mine honour at the stake, And baited it with all the unmuzzl'd thoughts
That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,
Hides my heart: so let me hear you speak.
VIOLA. I Pity you.
OLIVIA. That's a degree to love.
VIOLA. No, not a grise; for 'tis a vulgar proof That very oft we pity enemies.
OLIVIA. Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again: O world, how apt the poor are to be proud! If
one should be a prey, how much the better To fall before the lion than the wolf! [Clock strikes.] The
clock upbraids me with the waste of time.-- Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you: And yet,
when wit and youth is come to harvest, Your wife is like to reap a proper man. There lies your way,
due-west.
VIOLA. Then westward-ho: Grace and good disposition 'tend your ladyship! You'll nothing, madam, to
my lord by me?
OLIVIA. Stay: I pr'ythee tell me what thou think'st of me.
VIOLA. That you do think you are not what you are.
OLIVIA. If I think so, I think the same of you.
VIOLA. Then think you right; I am not what I am.
OLIVIA. I would you were as I would have you be!
VIOLA. Would it be better, madam, than I am, I wish it might; for now I am your fool.
OLIVIA. O what a deal of scorn looks beautiful In the contempt and anger of his lip! A murd'rous guilt
shows not itself more soon Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon. Cesario, by the roses of
the spring, By maidhood, honour, truth, and everything, I love thee so that, maugre all thy pride, Nor
wit, nor reason, can my passion hide. Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, For, that I woo, thou
therefore hast no cause: But rather reason thus with reason fetter: Love sought is good, but given
unsought is better.
VIOLA. By innocence I swear, and by my youth, I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth, And that
no woman has; nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam; never
more Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
OLIVIA. Yet come again: for thou, perhaps, mayst move That heart, which now abhors, to like his
love.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.]
SIR ANDREW. No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
SIR TOBY. Thy reason, dear venom: give thy reason.
FABIAN. You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW. Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's servingman than ever she
bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the orchard.
SIR TOBY. Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
SIR ANDREW. As plain as I see you now.
FABIAN. This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
SIR ANDREW. 'Slight! will you make an ass o' me?
FABIAN. I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.
SIR TOBY. And they have been grand jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.
FABIAN. She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your
dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted
her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into
dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was baulked: the double gilt of this opportunity
you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang
like an icicle on Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valour
or policy.
SIR ANDREW. And't be any way, it must be with valour: for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist
as a politician.
SIR TOBY. Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the count's youth
to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure thyself there is no
love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour.
FABIAN. There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW. Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
SIR TOBY. Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent
and full of invention; taunt him with the licence of ink; if thou 'thou'st' him some thrice, it shall not be
amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed
of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink; though thou write
with a goose-pen, no matter. About it.
SIR ANDREW. Where shall I find you?
SIR TOBY. We'll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.
[Exit SIR ANDREW.]
FABIAN. This is a dear manakin to you, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY. I have been dear to him, lad; some two thousand strong, or so.
FABIAN. We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll not deliver it.
SIR TOBY. Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and
wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in
his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy.
FABIAN. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
[Enter MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.
MARIA. If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me: yond gull
Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by
believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
SIR TOBY. And cross-gartered?
MARIA. Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church.--I have dogged him like his
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face
into more lines than is in the new map, with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a
thing as 'tis; I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him; if she do, he'll
smile and take't for a great favour.
SIR TOBY. Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III. A street.
[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.]
SEBASTIAN. I would not by my will have troubled you; But since you make your pleasure of your
pains, I will no further chide you.
ANTONIO. I could not stay behind you: my desire, More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth; And
not all love to see you,--though so much, As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,-- But jealousy
what might befall your travel, Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger, Unguided and
unfriended, often prove Rough and unhospitable. My willing love, The rather by these arguments of
fear, Set forth in your pursuit.
SEBASTIAN. My kind Antonio, I can no other answer make but thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.
Often good turns Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay; But were my worth, as is my conscience,
firm, You should find better dealing. What's to do? Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
ANTONIO. To-morrow, sir; best, first, go see your lodging.
SEBASTIAN. I am not weary, and 'tis long to night; I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes With the
memorials and the things of fame That do renown this city.
ANTONIO. Would you'd pardon me; I do not without danger walk these streets: Once in a sea-fight,
'gainst the count, his galleys, I did some service; of such note, indeed, That, were I ta'en here, it would
scarce be answered.
SEBASTIAN. Belike you slew great number of his people.
ANTONIO. The offence is not of such a bloody nature; Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel Might
well have given us bloody argument. It might have since been answered in repaying What we took
from them; which, for traffic's sake, Most of our city did: only myself stood out; For which, if I be
lapsed in this place, I shall pay dear.
SEBASTIAN. Do not then walk too open.
ANTONIO. It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse; In the south suburbs, at the Elephant, Is best
to lodge: I will bespeak our diet Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge With viewing of
the town; there shall you have me.
SEBASTIAN. Why I your purse?
ANTONIO. Haply your eye shall light upon some toy You have desire to purchase; and your store, I
think, is not for idle markets, sir.
SEBASTIAN. I'll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for an hour.
ANTONIO. To the Elephant.--
SEBASTIAN. I do remember.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE IV. OLIVIA'S garden.
[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.]
OLIVIA. I have sent after him. He says he'll come; How shall I feast him? what bestow on him? For
youth is bought more oft than begged or borrowed. I speak too loud.-- Where's Malvolio?--He is sad
and civil, And suits well for a servant with my fortunes;-- Where is Malvolio?
MARIA. He's coming, madam: But in very strange manner. He is sure possessed.
OLIVIA. Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
MARIA. No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have some guard about
you if he come; For, sure, the man is tainted in his wits.
OLIVIA. Go call him hither.--I'm as mad as he, If sad and merry madness equal be.-[Enter MALVOLIO.]
How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. Sweet lady, ho, ho.
[Smiles fantastically.]
OLIVIA. Smil'st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO. Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, this
cross-gartering. But what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is:
'Please one and please all.'
OLIVIA. Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO. Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and
commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA. Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. To bed? ay, sweetheart; and I'll come to thee.
OLIVIA. God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA. How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. At your request? Yes; nightingales answer daws.
MARIA. Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO. 'Be not afraid of greatness':--'twas well writ.
OLIVIA. What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. 'Some are born great,'-OLIVIA. Ha?
MALVOLIO. 'Some achieve greatness,'-OLIVIA. What say'st thou?
MALVOLIO. 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
OLIVIA. Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO. 'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings;'-OLIVIA. Thy yellow stockings?
MALVOLIO. 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA. Cross-gartered?
MALVOLIO. 'Go to: thou an made, if thou desirest to be so:'-OLIVIA. Am I made?
MALVOLIO. 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
OLIVIA. Why, this is very midsummer madness.
[Enter Servant.]
SERVANT. Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is returned; I could hardly entreat him
back; he attends your ladyship's pleasure.
OLIVIA. I'll come to him.
[Exit Servant.]
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a
special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA.]
MALVOLIO. O, ho! do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me? This
concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she
incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;--'be opposite with a kinsman, surly
with servants,--let thy tongue tang with arguments of state,--put thyself into the trick of
singularity;--and consequently, sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow
tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove
make me thankful! And, when she went away now, 'Let this fellow be looked to;' Fellow! not Malvolio,
nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, everything adheres together; that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance,--What can be said? Nothing,
that can be, can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of
this, and he is to be thanked.
[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN.]
SIR TOBY. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and
Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
FABIAN. Here he is, here he is:--How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man?
MALVOLIO. Go off; I discard you; let me enjoy my private; go off.
MARIA. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you?--Sir Toby, my lady prays you
to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO. Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY. Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him; let me alone. How do you,
Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO. Do you know what you say?
MARIA. La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched.
FABIAN. Carry his water to the wise woman.
MARIA. Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for
more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO. How now, mistress!
MARIA. O lord!
SIR TOBY. Pr'ythee hold thy peace; this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? let me alone
with him.
FABIAN. No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY. Why, how now, my bawcock? how dost thou, chuck.
MALVOLIO. Sir?
SIR TOBY. Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan.
Hang him, foul collier!
MARIA. Get him to say his prayers; good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO. My prayers, minx?
MARIA. No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO. Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element; you shall
know more hereafter.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. Is't possible?
FABIAN. If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY. His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA. Nay, pursue him now; lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN. Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA. The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY. Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he's
mad; we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath,
prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for
a finder of madmen. But see, but see.
[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]
FABIAN. More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW. Here's the challenge, read it; I warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't.
FABIAN. Is't so saucy?
SIR ANDREW. Ay, is't, I warrant him; do but read.
SIR TOBY. Give me. [Reads.] 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN. Good and valiant.
SIR TOBY. 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no
reason for't.'
FABIAN. A good note: that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY. 'Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
FABIAN. Very brief, and to exceeding good senseless.
SIR TOBY. 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,'-FABIAN. Good.
SIR TOBY. 'Thou kill'st me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN. Still you keep o' the windy side of the law. Good.
SIR TOBY. 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon
mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn
enemy, Andrew Ague-Cheek.' If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.
MARIA. You may have very fit occasion for't; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by
and by depart.
SIR TOBY. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-bailiff; so soon
as ever thou seest him, draw; and as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible
oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
itself would have earned him. Away.
SIR ANDREW. Nay, let me alone for swearing.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to
be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less;
therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it
comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Ague-cheek
notable report of valour, and drive the gentleman,--as I know his youth will aptly receive it,--into a
most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they
will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
[Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.]
FABIAN. Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY. I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY, FABIAN, and MARIA.]
OLIVIA. I have said too much unto a heart of stone, And laid mine honour too unchary on it: There's
something in me that reproves my fault; But such a headstrong potent fault it is That it but mocks
reproof.
VIOLA. With the same 'haviour that your passion bears Goes on my master's griefs.
OLIVIA. Here, wear this jewel for me; 'tis my picture; Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you: And,
I beseech you, come again to-morrow. What shall you ask of me that I'll deny, That, honour saved, may
upon asking give?
VIOLA. Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
OLIVIA. How with mine honour may I give him that Which I have given to you?
VIOLA. I will acquit you.
OLIVIA. Well, come again to-morrow. Fare thee well; A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
[Exit.]
[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR FABIAN.]
SIR TOBY. Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA. And you, sir.
SIR TOBY. That defence thou hast, betake thee to't. Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him,
I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end:
dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.
VIOLA. You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me; my remembrance is very free and
clear from any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY. You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake
you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man
withal.
VIOLA. I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY. He is knight, dubbed with unhacked rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in
private brawl; souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so
implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre: hob, nob is his word;
give't or take't.
VIOLA. I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have
heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valour: belike this is a
man of that quirk.
SIR TOBY. Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury; therefore, get you on
and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with
as much safety you might answer him: therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
VIOLA. This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office as to know of the
knight what my offence to him is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY. I Will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.
[Exit SIR TOBY.]
VIOLA. Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN. I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the
circumstance more.
VIOLA. I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in
the proof of his valour. He is indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could
possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him
if I can.
VIOLA. I shall be much bound to you for't. I am one that would rather go with sir priest than sir knight:
I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt.]
[Re-enter SIR TOBY With SIR ANDREW.]
SIR TOBY. Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a virago. I had a pass with him, rapier,
scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on
the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer
to the Sophy.
SIR ANDREW. Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY. Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
SIR ANDREW. Plague on't; an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I'd have seen
him damned ere I'd have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip and I'll give him my horse, grey
Capilet.
SIR TOBY. I'll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on't; this shall end without the
perdition of souls. [Aside.] Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
[Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA.]
I have his horse [To FABIAN.] to take up the quarrel; I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.
FABIAN. He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY. There's no remedy, sir: he will fight with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore, draw for
the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA. [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a
man.
FABIAN. Give ground if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY. Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one
bout with you: he cannot by the duello avoid it; but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a
soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on: to't.
SIR ANDREW. Pray God he keep his oath!
[Draws.]
[Enter ANTONIO.]
VIOLA. I do assure you 'tis against my will.
[Draws.]
ANTONIO. Put up your sword:--if this young gentleman Have done offence, I take the fault on me; If
you offend him, I for him defy you.
[Drawing.]
SIR TOBY. You, sir! why, what are you?
ANTONIO. One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY. Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
[Draws.]
[Enter two Officers.]
FABIAN. O good Sir Toby, hold; here come the officers.
SIR TOBY. [To ANTONIO] I'll be with you anon.
VIOLA. [To Sir Andrew.] Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW. Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word. He will bear
you easily and reins well.
FIRST OFFICER. This is the man; do thy office.
SECOND OFFICER. Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit Of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO. You do mistake me, sir.
FIRST OFFICER. No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well, Though now you have no sea-cap on your
head.-- Take him away; he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO. I Must obey.--This comes with seeking you; But there's no remedy; I shall answer it. What
will you do? Now my necessity Makes me to ask you for my purse. It grieves me Much more for what I
cannot do for you Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed; But be of comfort.
SECOND OFFICER. Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO. I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA. What money, sir? For the fair kindness you have showed me here, And part being prompted
by your present trouble, Out of my lean and low ability I'll lend you something; my having is not much;
I'll make division of my present with you: Hold, there is half my coffer.
ANTONIO. Will you deny me now? Is't possible that my deserts to you Can lack persuasion? Do not
tempt my misery, Lest that it make me so unsound a man As to upbraid you with those kindnesses That
I have done for you.
VIOLA. I know of none, Nor know I you by voice or any feature: I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness, Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption Inhabits our
frail blood.
ANTONIO. O heavens themselves!
SECOND OFFICER. Come, sir, I pray you go.
ANTONIO. Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here I snatched one half out of the jaws of
death, Relieved him with such sanctity of love,-- And to his image, which methought did promise Most
venerable worth, did I devotion.
FIRST OFFICER. What's that to us? The time goes by; away.
ANTONIO. But O how vile an idol proves this god! Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame. In
nature there's no blemish but the mind; None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind: Virtue is beauty;
but the beauteous-evil Are empty trunks, o'erflourished by the devil.
FIRST OFFICER. The man grows mad; away with him. Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO. Lead me on.
[Exeunt Officers with ANTONIO.]
VIOLA. Methinks his words do from such passion fly That he believes himself; so do not I. Prove true,
imagination; O prove true, That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
SIR TOBY. Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian; we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage
saws.
VIOLA. He named Sebastian; I my brother know Yet living in my glass; even such and so In favour
was my brother; and he went Still in this fashion, colour, ornament, For him I imitate. O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in
leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN. A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW. 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY. Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
SIR ANDREW. And I do not,-[Exit.]
FABIAN. Come, let's see the event.
SIR TOBY. I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.
[Exeunt.]
ACT IV
SCENE I. The Street before OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter SEBASTIAN and CLOWN.]
CLOWN. Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
SEBASTIAN. Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow; Let me be clear of thee.
CLOWN. Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid
you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither.-Nothing that is so is so.
SEBASTIAN. I pr'ythee vent thy folly somewhere else. Thou know'st not me.
CLOWN. Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent
my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney.--I pr'ythee now, ungird thy
strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN. I pr'ythee, foolish Greek, depart from me; There's money for thee; if you tarry longer I
shall give worse payment.
CLOWN. By my troth, thou hast an open hand:--These wise men that give fools money get themselves
a good report after fourteen years' purchase.
[Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN.]
SIR ANDREW. Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.
[Striking SEBASTIAN.]
SEBASTIAN. Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all the people mad?
[Beating SIR ANDREW.]
SIR TOBY. Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
CLOWN. This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of your coats for twopence.
[Exit CLOWN.]
SIR TOBY. Come on, sir; hold.
[Holding SEBASTIAN.]
SIR ANDREW. Nay, let him alone; I'll go another way to work with him; I'll have an action of battery
against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN. Let go thy hand.
SIR TOBY. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well
fleshed; come on.
SEBASTIAN. I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If thou dar'st tempt me further, draw
thy sword.
[Draws.]
SIR TOBY. What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.
[Draws.]
[Enter OLIVIA.]
OLIVIA. Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee hold.
SIR TOBY. Madam?
OLIVIA. Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! Out of my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario!-- Rudesby, be
gone!--I pr'ythee, gentle friend,
[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.]
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway In this uncivil and unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with
me to my house, And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou
thereby Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go; Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me, He
started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN. What relish is in this? how runs the stream? Or I am mad/ or else this is a dream:-- Let
fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA. Nay, come, I pr'ythee. Would thou'dst be ruled by me!
SEBASTIAN. Madam, I will.
OLIVIA. O, say so, and so be!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
MARIA. Nay, I pr'ythee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the
curate; do it quickly: I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
[Exit MARIA.]
CLOWN. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever
dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well: nor lean enough to be
thought a good student: but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say,
a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
CLOWN. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very
wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is, is'; so I, being master parson, am master parson:
for what is that but that? and is but is?
SIR TOBY. To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN. What, hoa, I say,--Peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
MALVOLIO. [In an inner chamber.] Who calls there?
CLOWN. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY. Well said, master parson.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad; they
have laid me here in hideous darkness.
CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle
ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO. As hell, Sir Topas.
CLOWN. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clear storeys toward the
south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO. I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.
CLOWN. Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more
puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say
there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant
question.
CLOWN. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?
MALVOLIO. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
CLOWN. What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I
will allow of thy wits; and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare
thee well.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY. My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN. Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him; I would we were
well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far in
offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to
my chamber.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]
CLOWN. [Singing.] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.'
MALVOLIO. Fool,-CLOWN. 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
MALVOLIO. Fool,-CLOWN. 'Alas, why is she so?'
MALVOLIO. Fool, I say;--
CLOWN. 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink,
and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.
CLOWN. Master Malvolio!
MALVOLIO. Ay, good fool.
CLOWN. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou
art.
CLOWN. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do
all they can to face me out of my wits.
CLOWN. Advise you what you say: the minister is here.--Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas,-CLOWN. Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir
Topas.--Marry, amen.--I will sir, I will.
MALVOLIO. Fool, fool, fool, I say,-CLOWN. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper; I tell thee I am as well in my wits as
any man in Illyria.
CLOWN. Well-a-day,--that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO. By this hand, I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set
down to my lady; it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
CLOWN. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
CLOWN. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I pr'ythee be gone.
CLOWN. [Singing.] 'I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old
vice, Your need to sustain;
Who with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad, Pare thy
nails, dad. Adieu, goodman drivel.
[Exit.]
SCENE III. OLIVIA'S Garden.
[Enter SEBASTIAN.]
SEBASTIAN. This is the air; that is the glorious sun; This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't: And
though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus, Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then? I could not find
him at the Elephant; Yet there he was; and there I found this credit, That he did range the town to seek
me out. His counsel now might do me golden service; For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness, Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune So far exceed
all instance, all discourse, That I am ready to distrust mine eyes And wrangle with my reason, that
persuades me To any other trust but that I am mad, Or else the lady's mad; yet if 'twere so, She could
not sway her house, command her followers, Take and give back affairs and their despatch With such a
smooth, discreet, and stable bearing, As I perceive she does: there's something in't That is deceivable.
But here comes the lady.
[Enter OLIVIA and a Priest.]
OLIVIA. Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well, Now go with me and with this holy man Into
the chantry by: there, before him And underneath that consecrated roof, Plight me the full assurance of
your faith, That my most jealous and too doubtful soul May live at peace. He shall conceal it Whiles
you are willing it shall come to note; What time we will our celebration keep According to my
birth.--What do you say?
SEBASTIAN. I'll follow this good man, and go with you; And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA. Then lead the way, good father;--And heavens so shine That they may fairly note this act of
mine!
[Exeunt.]
ACT V
SCENE I. The Street before OLIVIA's House.
[Enter CLOWN and FABIAN.]
FABIAN. Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
CLOWN. Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
FABIAN. Anything.
CLOWN. Do not desire to see this letter.
FABIAN. This is to give a dog; and in recompense desire my dog again.
[Enter DUKE, VIOLA, and Attendants.]
DUKE. Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
CLOWN. Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.
DUKE. I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?
CLOWN. Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.
DUKE. Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
CLOWN. No, sir, the worse.
DUKE. How can that be?
CLOWN. Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass:
so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused: so that,
conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse for
my friends and the better for my foes.
DUKE. Why, this is excellent.
CLOWN. By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.
DUKE. Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there's gold.
CLOWN. But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.
DUKE. O, you give me ill counsel.
CLOWN. Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.
DUKE. Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there's another.
CLOWN. Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is, the third pays for all; the triplex,
sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.
DUKE. You can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you will let your lady know I am here
to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.
CLOWN. Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to
think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a
nap; I will awake it anon.
[Exit CLOWN.]
[Enter ANTONIO and Officers.]
VIOLA. Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
DUKE. That face of his I do remember well: Yet when I saw it last it was besmeared As black as
Vulcan in the smoke of war: A bawbling vessel was he captain of, For shallow draught and bulk
unprizable; With which such scathful grapple did he make With the most noble bottom of our fleet
That very envy and the tongue of los Cried fame and honour on him.--What's the matter?
FIRST OFFICER. Orsino, this is that Antonio That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy: And
this is he that did the Tiger board When your young nephew Titus lost his leg: Here in the streets,
desperate of shame and state, In private brabble did we apprehend him.
VIOLA. He did me kindness, sir; drew on my side; But, in conclusion, put strange speech upon me. I
know not what 'twas, but distraction.
DUKE. Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief! What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, Hast made thine enemies?
ANTONIO. Orsino, noble sir, Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me: Antonio never yet
was thief or pirate, Though, I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew
me hither: That most ingrateful boy there, by your side From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was: His life I gave him, and did thereto add My love, without
retention or restraint, All his in dedication: for his sake, Did I expose myself, pure for his love, Into the
danger of this adverse town; Drew to defend him when he was beset: Where being apprehended, his
false cunning,-- Not meaning to partake with me in danger,-- Taught him to face me out of his
acquaintance, And grew a twenty-years-removed thing While one would wink; denied me mine own
purse, Which I had recommended to his use Not half an hour before.
VIOLA. How can this be?
DUKE. When came he to this town?
ANTONIO. To-day, my lord; and for three months before,-- No interim, not a minute's vacancy,-- Both
day and night did we keep company.
[Enter OLIVIA and Attendants.]
DUKE. Here comes the countess; now heaven walks on earth.-- But for thee, fellow, fellow, thy words
are madness: Three months this youth hath tended upon me; But more of that anon.--Take him aside.
OLIVIA. What would my lord, but that he may not have, Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable!-Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
VIOLA. Madam?
DUKE. Gracious Olivia,-OLIVIA. What do you say, Cesario?--Good my lord,-VIOLA. My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.
OLIVIA. If it be aught to the old tune, my lord, It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear As howling after
music.
DUKE. Still so cruel?
OLIVIA. Still so constant, lord.
DUKE. What! to perverseness? you uncivil lady, To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars My soul the
faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?
OLIVIA. Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.
DUKE. Why should I not, had I the heart to do it. Like to the Egyptian thief, at point of death, Kill
what I love; a savage jealousy That sometime savours nobly.--But hear me this: Since you to
non-regardance cast my faith, And that I partly know the instrument That screws me from my true
place in your favour, Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still; But this your minion, whom I know you
love, And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, Him will I tear out of that cruel eye Where he sits
crowned in his master's sprite.-- Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief: I'll sacrifice the
lamb that I do love, To spite a raven's heart within a dove.
[Going.]
VIOLA. And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly, To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
OLIVIA. Where goes Cesario?
VIOLA. After him I love More than I love these eyes, more than my life, More, by all mores, than e'er
I shall love wife; If I do feign, you witnesses above Punish my life for tainting of my love!
OLIVIA. Ah me, detested! how am I beguil'd!
VIOLA. Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
OLIVIA. Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?-- Call forth the holy father.
[Exit an ATTENDANT.]
DUKE. [To Viola.] Come, away!
OLIVIA. Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
DUKE. Husband?
OLIVIA. Ay, husband, can he that deny?
DUKE. Her husband, sirrah?
VIOLA. No, my lord, not I.
OLIVIA. Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear That makes thee strangle thy propriety: Fear not, Cesario,
take thy fortunes up; Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art As great as that thou fear'st--O,
welcome, father!
[Re-enter Attendant and Priest.]
Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence, Here to unfold,--though lately we intended To keep in darkness
what occasion now Reveals before 'tis ripe,--what thou dost know Hath newly passed between this
youth and me.
PRIEST. A contract of eternal bond of love, Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands, Attested by
the holy close of lips, Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings; And all the ceremony of this
compact Sealed in my function, by my testimony: Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my
grave, I have travelled but two hours.
DUKE. O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be, When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case? Or
will not else thy craft so quickly grow That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow? Farewell, and take
her; but direct thy feet Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
VIOLA. My lord, I do protest,-OLIVIA. O, do not swear; Hold little faith, though thou has too much fear.
[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, with his head broke.]
SIR ANDREW. For the love of God, a surgeon; send one presently to Sir Toby.
OLIVIA. What's the matter?
SIR ANDREW. He has broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too: for the
love of God, your help: I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
OLIVIA. Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW. The Count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for a coward, but he's the very devil
incardinate.
DUKE. My gentleman, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW. Od's lifelings, here he is:--You broke my head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set
on to do't by Sir Toby.
VIOLA. Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you: You drew your sword upon me without cause; But
I bespake you fair and hurt you not.
SIR ANDREW. If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me; I think you set nothing by a bloody
coxcomb.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, drunk, led by the CLOWN.]
Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more: but if he had not been in drink he would have
tickled you othergates than he did.
DUKE. How now, gentleman? how is't with you?
SIR TOBY. That's all one; he has hurt me, and there's the end on't.-- Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?
CLOWN. O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i' the morning.
SIR TOBY. Then he's a rogue. After a passy-measure, or a pavin, I hate a drunken rogue.
OLIVIA. Away with him. Who hath made this havoc with them?
SIR ANDREW. I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be dressed together.
SIR TOBY. Will you help an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave? a thin-faced knave, a gull?
OLIVIA. Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.
[Exeunt CLOWN, SIR TOBY, and SIR ANDREW.]
[Enter SEBASTIAN.]
SEBASTIAN. I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman; But, had it been the brother of my blood, I
must have done no less, with wit and safety. You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do
perceive it hath offended you; Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows We made each other but so late
ago.
DUKE. One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons; A natural perspective, that is, and is not.
SEBASTIAN. Antonio, O my dear Antonio! How have the hours rack'd and tortur'd me Since I have
lost thee.
ANTONIO. Sebastian are you?
SEBASTIAN. Fear'st thou that, Antonio?
ANTONIO. How have you made division of yourself?-- An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin Than
these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
OLIVIA. Most wonderful!
SEBASTIAN. Do I stand there? I never had a brother: Nor can there be that deity in my nature Of here
and everywhere. I had a sister Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured:-- [To Viola.] Of
charity, what kin are you to me? What countryman, what name, what parentage?
VIOLA. Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father; Such a Sebastian was my brother too: So went he
suited to his watery tomb: If spirits can assume both form and suit, You come to fright us.
SEBASTIAN. A spirit I am indeed: But am in that dimension grossly clad, Which from the womb I did
participate. Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheek, And
say--Thrice welcome, drowned Viola!
VIOLA. My father had a mole upon his brow.
SEBASTIAN. And so had mine.
VIOLA. And died that day when Viola from her birth Had numbered thirteen years.
SEBASTIAN. O, that record is lively in my soul! He finished, indeed, his mortal act That day that
made my sister thirteen years.
VIOLA. If nothing lets to make us happy both But this my masculine usurp'd attire, Do not embrace
me till each circumstance Of place, time, fortune, do cohere, and jump That I am Viola: which to
confirm, I'll bring you to a captain in this town, Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help I
was preserv'd to serve this noble count; All the occurrence of my fortune since Hath been between this
lady and this lord.
SEBASTIAN. [To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook: But nature to her bias drew in
that. You would have been contracted to a maid; Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived; You are
betroth'd both to a maid and man.
DUKE. Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.-- If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have
share in this most happy wreck: [To VIOLA] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times, Thou never
shouldst love woman like to me.
VIOLA. And all those sayings will I over-swear; And all those swearings keep as true in soul As doth
that orbed continent the fire That severs day from night.
DUKE. Give me thy hand; And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.
VIOLA. The captain that did bring me first on shore Hath my maid's garments: he, upon some action,
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit; A gentleman and follower of my lady's.
OLIVIA. He shall enlarge him:--Fetch Malvolio hither:-- And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say,
poor gentleman, he's much distract.
[Re-enter CLOWN, with a letter.]
A most extracting frenzy of mine own From my remembrance clearly banished his.-- How does he,
sirrah?
CLOWN. Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave's end as well as a man in his case may do: he
has here writ a letter to you; I should have given it you to-day morning, but as a madman's epistles are
no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.
OLIVIA. Open it, and read it.
CLOWN. Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman:--'By the Lord, madam,--'
OLIVIA. How now! art thou mad?
CLOWN. No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must
allow vox.
OLIVIA. Pr'ythee, read i' thy right wits.
CLOWN. So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus; therefore perpend, my princess,
and give ear.
OLIVIA. [To FABIAN] Read it you, sirrah.
FABIAN. [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it: though you have
put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses
as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the
which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave
my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury. The madly-used Malvolio'
OLIVIA. Did he write this?
CLOWN. Ay, madam.
DUKE. This savours not much of distraction.
OLIVIA. See him delivered, Fabian: bring him hither.
[Exit FABIAN.]
My lord, so please you, these things further thought on, To think me as well a sister as a wife, One day
shall crown the alliance on't, so please you, Here at my house, and at my proper cost.
DUKE. Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.-- [To VIOLA] Your master quits you; and, for
your service done him, So much against the mettle of your sex, So far beneath your soft and tender
breeding, And since you called me master for so long, Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
You master's mistress.
OLIVIA. A sister?--you are she.
[Re-enter FABIAN with MALVOLIO.]
DUKE. Is this the madman?
OLIVIA. Ay, my lord, this same; How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. Madam, you have done me wrong, Notorious wrong.
OLIVIA. Have I, Malvolio? no.
MALVOLIO. Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter: You must not now deny it is your hand,
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase; Or say 'tis not your seal, not your invention: You can say
none of this. Well, grant it then, And tell me, in the modesty of honour, Why you have given me such
clear lights of favour; Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you; To put on yellow stockings,
and to frown Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people: And, acting this in an obedient hope, Why have
you suffer'd me to be imprison'd, Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, And made the most
notorious geck and gull That e'er invention played on? tell me why.
OLIVIA. Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, Though, I confess, much like the character: But out of
question, 'tis Maria's hand. And now I do bethink me, it was she First told me thou wast mad; then
cam'st in smiling, And in such forms which here were presuppos'd Upon thee in the letter. Pr'ythee, be
content: This practice hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee: But, when we know the grounds and
authors of it, Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge Of thine own cause.
FABIAN. Good madam, hear me speak; And let no quarrel, nor no brawl to come, Taint the condition
of this present hour, Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not, Most freely I confess, myself and
Toby Set this device against Malvolio here, Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts We had
conceiv'd against him. Maria writ The letter, at Sir Toby's great importance; In recompense whereof he
hath married her. How with a sportful malice it was follow'd May rather pluck on laughter than
revenge, If that the injuries be justly weigh'd That have on both sides past.
OLIVIA. Alas, poor fool! how have they baffled thee!
CLOWN. Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon
them.' I was one, sir, in this interlude;:--one Sir Topas, sir; but that's all one:--'By the Lord, fool, I am
not mad;'--But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? An you smile not,
he's gagged'? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
MALVOLIO. I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
[Exit.]
OLIVIA. He hath been most notoriously abus'd.
DUKE. Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace:-- He hath not told us of the captain yet; When that is
known, and golden time convents, A solemn combination shall be made Of our dear souls.--Meantime,
sweet sister, We will not part from hence.--Cesario, come: For so you shall be while you are a man;
But, when in other habits you are seen, Orsino's mistress, and his fancy's queen.
[Exeunt.]
CLOWN. Song. When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish
thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man's estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 'Gainst knave and thief men shut
their gate, For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came, alas! to wive, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, By swaggering could I never
thrive, For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came unto my bed, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, With toss-pots still had drunken
head, For the rain it raineth every day.
A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that's all one, our play is
done, And we'll strive to please you every day.
[Exit.]