(PDF, Unknown)

*
The Asterisk
A Satirical Newspaper
Issue 3 - September 2010
Send articles to: [email protected]
******************************************************************************************
Top 10 Tips
For New
Students
Advice To Incoming Freshmen,
Compliments Of The Asterisk Staff
The Asterisk staff knows
very well of the hardships of
freshman year, and is here to
10. Always sport a wide grin help. Freshman year can be
and smile whenever you can, as overwhelming as, well,
it alleviates the anxiety and apparently deciding whether to
pressure of being a freshman.
go Chicago or Miami to join a
9. If you are dorming, then pogo-stick team, when there’s
we suggest you annex your clearly a better chance of
roommate’s half of the room winning the golden pogo-stick
immediately. You aren’t going if you join the Chicago pogoto be a second class student, are stick team. I’m Jus’ Saying.
you? Who really can live with
just HALF of a room? Show
* Falling asleep in the front
them who’s boss!
row is actually less noticeable
8. Skip lectures. Period. Did than falling asleep
you know 20% of billionaires in the back row.
did not finish school or get a
* Let go of the
college degree? The statistics Facebook creeping
are quite clear: no college, no late at night, use
studying, no lectures equals your time more
money, dough, mula, and lots of wisely and creep
‘Benjamin Franklins.’
during
your
7. For those of you who do lectures.
decide to pursue education * You will probably
and give up the billion dollars, only have around
(suckers!) get to know your three TAs (Teaching
professors or at least have them a s s i s t a n t s )
recognize you so you can obtain throughout
your
recommendation letters in the undergrad
years
future. This is very important. without an accent.
A spontaneous song and dance Reading the lips of
Continued on Page 2...
those with accents
will only confuse you more.
* Emailing your professor,
to explain to them why their
teaching methods are flawed
will not help your GPA (Yes,
you have one in college too.)
Trust us; some of the Asterisk
staff has experience in this
matter.
* Practice playing Frogger™
in your free time, as it will
greatly increase your ability to
cross streets in Chicago. [The
legal department at The Asterisk
does not, in any way, encourage
or condone the practice of
jaywalking]
* It is OK to cry an hour
before your first midterm AND
to compensate for your poor
performance by binging on
the scrumptious baked goods
of the wonderful fundraising
bake sales located in Burnham
Hall, The Behavioral Science
Building, and Student Center
East.
* Real talk here: Study for
your midterms.
* Caffeine: Avoid it or you
will be addicted to it like
preteen girls are to sparkly
vampires.
* When CTA signs say
“touch the door,” it means
“tackle the door.”
* Keep an eye out for
black mold.
* Online homework
should be started at least
12 hours before the due
date.
* If you do not heed these
suggestions, be warned
that your situation, while
awful to you, makes great
articles for us.
Tips for Freshmen
Page 2
From Page 1...
number of Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’
is highly recommended.
6. Many incoming students are undeclared
regarding their majors. We recommend
you do a major that sounds and looks
impressive on a transcript. Political science
or Bioengineering? Both! You can engineer
a constituent that doesn’t vote for the same
hacks in the next election! Alas, science
can only take us so far...
5. Regarding deans and advising, it’s best to
do what most people come to college to do.
That’s right, experiment…academically.
Try making a schedule with many brakes
or lots of 8 am classes or 4 hour labs. A
random mess of a schedule is the true
representation of the real college spirit.
4. Regarding food, it must be stated that you
have access to some of the best restaurants
in the city. Use that emergency credit card
your parents gave you with a $20,000 limit
to its limit. Are you really willing to be
careless in dining? The general rule of “the
more expensive the better” applies.
3. Dearest commuters, whether it’s by
train or car or by foot, ALWAYS….
no….NEVER be on time. To be a truly
successful student, a good 12 hours of
sleep is necessary. What’s more important
to you? Your academics or your future?
2. You will immediately notice the vast
number of smokers at UIC. It’s nothing
bad, they’re only a pro-cancer addition to
the rich and diverse UICulture <oh yeah, I
did it>. Just make sure you have your gas
mask with you at all times.
1. The greatest tip I can give you is this:
follow the sacred word of The Asterisk.
It is your essential guide to everything. It
will not fail you. Since when has a satirical
newspaper ever guided you wrong?
*
Editors note: Since our staff is so talented
that three people came up with the same
idea, we bring you all these tips.
More Tips For Residents!
R.A. Reihnert
Asterisk Res Life Correspondent
As you can probably guess, this issue is
pretty much about welcoming readers,
both new and returning, back to school
at UIC. This list of tips is taken from the
2010-2011 Resident Student Handbook,
with extra explanations/suggestions to help
readers:
-“Nervous about public speaking? The
only way to get over it is to practice now,
because it won’t get any easier when you’re
in the workplace”
* Better yet, become a mime! Come on,
that ‘trapped in a box’ routine you do is
priceless.
-“Want to get more value for your time
spent studying? Try figuring out what
times of day you are most alert, and do
your schoolwork then”
*Why waste your time on that, when you
can be more alertly dodging enemy fire in
Halo?
- “A great way to learn new of difficult
Illustration by Trupti Patel
information is to teach or explain it to
others. That way, you’ll really have it
down pat”
*Even better! Teach them the WRONG
material, to secure your spot at the front
of the bell curve! Pre-med students, I’m
talking to you!
- “It can be tough to spot your own mistakes,
so swap papers with a friend and proofread
each other’s work”
*This way, you can spot his awful mistakes
and raise your self-esteem!
- “The Internet contains a fantastic amount
of information that you can use for school,
but don’t trust everything that you find on
it”
*I know! That cat that was playing the
piano? Totally fake.
-“View mistakes as opportunities to learn
the information better for future tests. The
only real mistake is to get discouraged and
quit”
*Or taking the class in the first place...
Political
Page 3
“O’Leary Lantern Shop”
Causes Controversey
W. O’Tyme
Asterisk Political Correspondent
It seems that as soon as the public finishes
fuming over one controversy, another
springs up in its place, in a horrible hydralike fashion. Now Chicagoans are choosing
sides in the latest uproar, a proposed
lantern and antique lamp shop to be built
just 4 blocks from the origin of The Great
Chicago Fire of 1871, Mrs. O’leary’s farm,
which is now the Chicago Fire Academy.
Proponents of the shop, “This Little Light
o’ Mine” argue that the zoning laws are
completely on their side and are allowed to
open the business sometime in the next few
months. The future manager of the shop,
Chuck Norom told us, “this is a deliberate
intrusion on our rights as citizens and the
principles of free enterprise on which this
country was founded. We have to think of
the founding fathers!”
On the other side of the debate stand those
opposed to the shop, arguing that the
insensitivity of the location is a calculated
attempt by those in charge to rub Chicago’s
nose into the ashes of the fire. The lead
protester, Mark Dioti, who has planned
rallies in front of the proposed site, has
attacked the manager of the shop, claiming
that his “questionable” history only proves
the insensitivity of the proposed business.
“Do you know where this Norom character
lived for 14 years? That’s right, he lived
in Gary, Indiana! This is just another
attempt by that city to elevate themselves
at Chicago’s expense. It’s all political!
There’s no question about it.”
Protesters have proposed that anywhere
else in the city would be a better location,
and have even petitioned Todd Stroger to
provide revenue from the county to cover
the costs of moving. “Come, on, it’s not
like Stroger doesn’t have some family
member on the payroll who can provide
this,” suggested Dioti.
Proponents for the shop call this blatant
disregard for the zoning laws and deny the
location as a political issue. “I just don’t
understand. Where is far enough away
from the old O’Leary farm? 14 blocks?
30? St. Loius? All we want to do is be able
to sell our lanterns and lamps just like any
other merchant in this country.”
While Mayor Daley has not yet weighed
in on the issue, Republican Candidate
for Senate, Mark Kirk, on his website
stated, “I believe the location is highly
insensitive to the feelings of this great city.
Why, I remember the time I was named
international volunteer fire-fighter of the
year, and the impact it had upon me.” We
at The Asterisk have searched diligently
through Kirk’s records, but regrettably
have found no evidence to suggest Kirk
ever received such an award, let alone was
ever a volunteer firefighter. Democratic
candidate Alexi Giannoulias decline to
comment on the issue.
We at The Asterisk hope this issue will go
up in smoke before it grabs the nation’s
attention. What? Too soon?
The Circus
Was In Town!
Bozo Bernet
Asterisk Court Reporter
From June 3rd-August 17th, Chicago was
treated to the “Blago Brothers and Adam
Jr & Sr” Circus. All the entertainment
that Patrick Fitzgerald and hard-earned
tax dollars could afford! It was quite the
spectacle, for those of you who missed it.
There was something for everyone:
-Perilous Prosecutors! The public watched
as the state juggled 24 highly complex
federal counts in front of a bamboozled
jury!
-Disappearing Defense Witnesses! Call
it all smoke and mirrors if you like, but
everyone was amazed when both Sam
Adam Jr. and Sr. rested their case without
calling a single witness!
-Amusing Attorneys! I can’t remember
the last time I laughed that much when
Sam Adam Jr. said his client, was not “the
sharpest knife in the drawer!”
-Mesmerized Media! It seemed like every
news station, talk show and news outlet
was talking about our state’s unique brand
of “humor”.
-Harrowing acts of Hair! Though Rod
may have been somewhat shaken during
the verdict routine, his hair didn’t lose its
composure. Don’t be down-trodden if you
wanted to see more; there’s going to be a
reprise, we’ve been assured by Ring-Leader
Fitzgerald, and when we know the date, we
at The Asterisk will let you know!
Free Scratch Paper
Blagojevich getting ready for a retrial
Culture
Page 4
Starcraft 2 Saves Lives
Terran P. Rotosszerg
Asterisk Entertainment Expert
This past Saturday, James Rainer escaped
the clutches of death by playing the
recently released Starcraft 2 computer
game. SC2 is a Real Time Strategy (RTS)
game that requires the reflexes of a hand
and the mental acuity of a brain. Players
can choose from three species; then, they
build things, collecting energy things and
resources, and attempt to attack the other
players’ things that they built with the
help of attacking things. To build bigger
and stronger things, players must first go
through a series of building smaller things
and using upgrade things. If any of this
made sense, seek immediate help.
Rainer, third year business major, asserts
that the RTS (real time strategy) game
helped him escape from hazardous events,
including a horrific internship and the
bloodcurdling screeches of his girlfriend.
“Had I searched for internships instead
of playing SC2,” mumbles Rainer while
clicking away at hotkeys, “I would have
needed to endure the social interaction of
those interviews.”
Rainer’s girlfriend, Sara Kerrigan, confirms
his claims. “If he ever shows his face to me
again, I’ll [expletive expletive expletive].”
Animal control was called in to deal with
her afterwards.
Rainer is not the only person rescued by
SC2. Several students agree that SC2 has
protected them from lethal perils.
“Radiation from UV rays, toxins produced
by airborne bacteria, disease-carrying
mosquitoes,” lists Zer O’Toole, 2nd year
Godwin’s Law
I.P Frealy
*Beware of ninja squirrels popping out of
trashcans; they are the best trained force on
campus.
*Don’t walk over the metal gratings
covering the sewers. We’re not exactly sure
what lies beneath, but even the squirrels
are afraid.
*The areas in front of no-smoking signs
are the smokiest. We hope you like irony.
*Never, but NEVER, wake up a sleeping
honors student. Unless you can live with
having limited vision in one of your eyes.
Asterisk Contributor
Like many of you, I too discuss the
important changes in the world. One of
these significant changes is the creation
of Godwin’s Law. You may be wondering
what Godwin’s Law is. To succinctly
answer your question, it is the idea which
originated in 1990 by Mike Godwin that
suggests that “as an online discussion grows
longer, the probability of a comparison
involving Nazis or Hitler approaches
1.” (This satirical newspaper is far too
awesome for citations…let’s just say that
I stole this direct quote from Wikipedia; It
will make all our lives simpler).
Nonetheless, I want the world to be aware
of this groundbreaking and oh-so-apt
assertion. Furthermore, in my view, the
name “Godwin” is quite appropriate for
such a HIGH-LARIOUS law. “God” plus
“win” is probably the greatest combination
of two words that can describe how epic
of a win this law is. I understand that
even though The Asterisk is a satirical
publication, there is nothing about this
law that elicits a response from me to
satirize. I am simply mesmerized by the
brilliance of Dr. Godwin. He is not exactly
a doctor, but after he made this law, he
deserves a AwD (like a PhD, only except
‘doctor of philosophy’, it’d be ‘doctor of
awesomeness’).
My loyal readers, once again, I would
simply like to emphasize how amazing an
observation this is. And to those naysayers
who call this article and Godwin’s Law an
abomination lacking any real evidence,
I ask you only to visit any YouTube
discussion and give the video comment
section some time to grow and the words
“Nazi” or “Hitler” will become apparent.
And I mean ANY.
“We joke about it quite a bit, that UIC stands
for University of Indians and Chinese…but
let us not forget the Koreans, Vietnamese,
Japanese, Pakistanis, and other Asians that
attend this university. If you’re going to
be ignorant, do it properly.” –The Quote
Master
“If you ever wanted to do something bad
to someone who deserved it, but your
conscience and good will have stopped
you, take comfort in the thought that
according to the multiverse theory, in some
parallel universe you actually did it.” –The
Quote Master
Bio-Engineering major, “you name it. SC2
protects us from them all! Whenever I feel
that I’m in danger, I play SC2.” O’Toole
plays about 500 hours a week.
Instead of allowing these innocent gamers
to place themselves in harm’s way, SC2
keeps them tucked safely away in their
dorm rooms, apartments, and parents’
basements. Even when not playing SC2,
these gamers are constantly researching
and creating new strategies, for they know
that their lives may depend on it!
We at The Asterisk understand not all of you
have access to SC2 and may be wondering,
“how can I protect myself from the daily
dangers faced by a student at UIC?
Quotations Of The Day...
“Ignorance is bliss, yet the same is not
true conversely….I would wonder why,
but by the logic of the quotation, it makes
more sense to just not think about it.” –The
Quote Master
The Maze
Redeem this completed maze for a free
item with the purchase of one baked
good at our next bake sale!
Page 5
UIC
Page 6
UIC To “Go Green-er”
Alberto Gorewho
Asterisk Environmentalist
Over the past few years UIC has made
considerable measures to make the
campus a more environmentally friendly
place. The list of initiatives include
energy conservation, recycling, active
transportation, and the goal of a carbon
neutral campus by 2050. No one can say
UIC isn’t trying. However, a recently
leaked document exposes a plan, that some
claim, has gone too far.
The University administration has hatched
a plan to, quite literally, make University
Hall (UH) the greenest building on
campus...by painting it green. During a
recent summer press conference, the selfappointed Green Officer of Fabulousness
(GOOF) announced that Board of Trustees
had voted to coat UH in a fluorescent
green latex paint, to serve two purposes:
“To show the world that our University is
environmentally conscious, and to serve
as a make-shift glue, thereby preventing
the further deterioration of UH itself by
holding back falling pieces of concrete.”
Students were asked their opinions on the
matter during the first few days of classes.
Some expressed favorable views, while
others objected to the project. One student,
a sixth year undergrad Art History major,
Leonardo Von Artner, stated that “Using
such a project to showcase UIC’s dedication
to the campus is great. In fact, a Parisian
University in 1902…” (The rest of the
statement was lost, since the digital voice
recorder’s batteries failed, and I fell asleep
listening to the words of the Art History
major) After I awoke, I grabbed the nearest
pre-med student to interview, a sophomore
who wished to remain anonymous, only
using his last name. Patel responded to our
questions about the campus development:
“HAHAHA So now I can call Willis Tower
‘Big Willy’, and UH ‘Lil’ Green Willy’!”
The University plans to finish the project
prior to March 2nd 2011, the Birthday of
Dr. Seuss. The grand re-opening of UH
will feature a buffet of Green Eggs & Ham.
Construction is to begin this September.
Otto Boht
Asterisk Film Expert
Whilst in the process of filming the third
installment of the ‘Transformers’ series
(Formerly known as The Chronicles of
Michael Bay: Robots, Megan Fox and
Explosions) in Chicago this summer, the
famous director/producer, decided to film
on the campus of UIC itself. Bay reportedly
fell in love with the grounds at first sight.
“There’s so much steel and concrete.
So much potential for explosions, with
a possibility for a underground fight
scene beginning by transformers falling
through the giant metal grates in the
sidewalks! I love it!”
Illustrations by Trupti Patel
UIC Bookstore: A Ripoff?
Velvety Cocoa
Asterisk Contributor
With the start of the school year just
behind us, students at UIC and across the
country are looking back on their textbook
expenses. As most people understand,
textbooks are a very expensive element
of University finances and, because of
this, they look for the absolute best deals.
Many items are available online as well
as in national bookstores like Borders but
what about the universities’ bookstore? We
here at The Asterisk decided to bring the
students the truth by going undercover as
undergraduate students shopping for books
in the bookstore. A fellow Asterisk writer
and I chose four different classes ranging
from 100 to 400 level classes and decided to
compare the prices of the UIC bookstore to
‘Transformers’
Filming At UIC?
those online and in Borders. In order to get
into the bookstore without raising suspicion,
we had to get proper disguises. I chose the
easier outfit, that of the “wannabe” gangster
(or ‘gangsta’, for my homies out there)
complete with large golden chain and tilted
hat. My fellow writer decided to go with
a nerdier disguise, “rocking” the cokebottle glasses, polo, and short comb over.
Armed with counterfeit schedules, a book
bag, and an unlimited spending credit card,
Original plans had filming start in the
Behavioral Sciences Building, and move
across campus, through the quad and
ending near the metal grates near SEO and
Burnham hall. However, near the start of
filming, two stunt doubles and five extras
become lost within the cavernous labyrinth
of BSB. No contact has been made with any
of them since August 12th. This incident,
coupled with the rising cost of explosives,
led Bay to scrap filming at UIC, including
plans for a rumored Autobot/Decepticon
battle sequence atop UH. ‘Transformers 3’
will hit the theatres July 1st 2011.
we dived into the subterranean realm of the
bookstore. Our first class was Computer
Science 100, an intro level engineering
course. The bookstore contained many
copies of our book, all well over $100.
With no used books in sight, we decided
to continue. After making our rounds, we
came to one simple conclusion. The walls
Campus
Page 7
Student Denies Being Deleted
From University Records
Michael Bay To
Instruct At UIC
Megan Trahnn
Asterisk Curriculum Correspondent
The rumors are true! Michael Bay has
officially decided to instruct a graduate
level class on explosions at UIC. The
Chemistry department approached Bay
after his show of love for the campus [see
“Transformers Filming at UIC?”], and
expertise in making (somewhat) controlled
combustions.
“Pyrotechnics and attractive women
have always been deep interests of
mine, which is why I accepted the
position to teach Chem 456: ‘The
Anatomy of a Boom-Boom’ with the
Chemistry department of UIC. I am,
however, still in talks with the Biology
department about the instruction
of a class titled ‘The Anatomy of a
Babe’, but am meeting resistance
from the female staff members of the
department. The Male staff members
are graciously giving their complete
support.”
Chem 456 will be available starting spring
semester of 2011. The Asterisk has obtained
prerequisite readings and videos for the
class, including the screenplays to all three
‘Transformers’ movies, a brochure for
Krazy Kaplans of Indiana (local fireworks
shop), and stock footage of atomic bomb
testing.
of the UIC Bookstore were beautiful; I
mean authentic wallpaper is quite a good
décor. However, just as we were about to
leave, staff members approached us. It
appears we weren’t allowed to take pictures
of the books nor mark down information
about the merchandise. We knew we were
caught, so we took off running up the stairs
Buster “Bo” Racracy
Asterisk Student-Faculty Liasion
doesn’t correspond to a student account.
John Doe: <sigh> That’s what I’m trying to
tell you! My account has been deleted!
UIC: Sir, there is no point in yelling, that’s
not going to solve the problem any faster.
John Doe: Can you just get me back into
the system somehow?
UIC: Oh, of course, sir. But first I’ll need
your UIN.
John Doe: Didn’t we just do this?
UIC: Sir, I’m going to to ask you to hold
while I bring up your account information.
John Doe: But it’s deleted! No, don’t put
me<Muzak, this time sounding like the last
tracks were played over each other>
UIC: Sir, are you still there?
John Doe: <as though through clenched
teeth> Yes…
UIC: So you’re not in the University?
John Doe: Not according to your database.
UIC: Then why are you calling, sir? If
you’re not in the system?
John Doe: I was in the system one week
ago!
UIC: I understand, with today’s financial
mess, it can be a difficult decision to drop
out of college to support yourself.
John Doe: I’m still taking classes!
UIC: At a community college? Good for
you. That degree you earn will come in
handy once the job market stabilizes.
John Doe: …Please, for the last time…I
only want to know how to get back into the
University system, as I seem to have been
deleted from the records.
UIC: I’m going to transfer you to someone
who can get you back into the University.
John Doe: Thank you.
<Muzak Plays, then stops>
DePaul: Hello, DePaul University, how
may I help you?
<John Doe hangs up>
as fast as our skinny legs would let us. I
had to leave behind my fellow writer as he
tripped and fell back down the stairs. His
last words still ring clearly in my head.
“In the name of The Asterisk, save the
students!” Later, I found the same books
online for a much different price, and as
such I am inclined to say this and only
this: those walls were really fabulous,
like really really fabulous. UIC, wake up!
Your bookstore is attempting to steal your
soul...er, I mean money. Do not let them
win this war on our wallets; we can stop
them although I really have no idea how,
but definitely go to check out the décor; did
I mention it was really nice?
Everyone, at one point or another, has
discovered the merry little world of
bureaucratic red tape and its ensuing
frustration. However, one student (who
will be referred to as John Doe) found out
the hard way that sometimes the red tape is
more impenetrable than it seems. Below
is the transcript from the phone call to the
Student Services Office:
UIC: Hello, Student Services Office, can
you hold?
John Doe: Uh…
UIC: Thank you.
<Muzak that sounds like it was recorded
using a cell phone then played back into a
cassette player>
UIC : Hello, Student Services Office, how
may I help you?
John Doe: Ah, yes, I have a question
concerning my student account.
UIC: Yes, sir, what is the problem?
John Doe: I went to pay my tuition and I
don’t seem to have an account anymore.
UIC: I see, so you forgot your password?
John Doe: No.
UIC: Your username?
John Doe: No, the system doesn’t seem to
recognize that I exist in the system.
UIC: Let me transfer you to my supervisor,
please hold.
John Doe: No, wait<Muzak, this time something masquerading
as classical, blares through the speaker>
UIC: Hello sir, what seems to be the
trouble?
John Doe: My student account doesn’t
seem to be in the system anymore.
UIC: Ok, and what is your UIN?
John Doe: *********
UIC: Ok. Well, sir, it seems that UIN
The Asterisk
Page 8
Another BP Spill, Congress Furious
Jim “Grassroots” Hansen
Asterisk Populist
Just minutes ago, BP was involved in yet
another spill, and Congress is not taking
it lightly. The spill is taking place in the
residence of CEO Tony Hayward himself.
Hayward reportedly attempted to use his
bathroom after a water drinking contest,
and missed. Yellow tinted fluid is currently
covering a large portion of the bathroom
floor, and may soon reach the doorway.
Clean-up crews are attempting to control
the spill through the use of toilet paper, but
the method is being deemed as ineffective.
Congress is furious at BP for not taking
proper measures to ensure that a spill of
such magnitude never happened. Nancy
Pelosi addressed the situation:
“It was obvious that such a spill could
have taken place. The ability of Mr.
Hayward to properly use a toilet was
questioned when he whined like a baby
during the gulf spill, begging for “[his]
life back.” Diapers should have been
installed upon that well immediately
after that statement.”
Welcome! From The Staff At The Asterisk
Welcome back UIC! For those of you out
there that are returning readers, good for
you! Your excellent taste in journalism is
much appreciated. For those of you who
are just picking up this paper, thank you
for reading thus far. I hope you continue.
We here at The Asterisk headquarters,
floating high above UH in our converted
Goodyear Blimp, do the very best to ensure
a funny, thought provoking newspaper
for the Honors College students at UIC.
And when that fails, we resort to writing
a descriptive passage about the purpose
of the newspaper. Some have compared
us to the Onion, “UIC style”. Few have
called us a refreshing taste of student-run
journalism. Even fewer have called us the
best thing they’ve ever read. You, dear
reader, can make the call for yourself. We
strive for a fun, witty paper that pokes fun
at many of the things that aggravate you,
be they at the university, city, or national
level. If you think, “Jeez, I can write better
than these hacks!”, then I gladly invite
you to do so. We accept all submissions,
barring excessive vulgarity and personal
attacks. So, if you’re up to the challenge,
email a submission to us at:
[email protected]
You may be wondering, “how does this
paper get money to print?” Good question.
The Asterisk runs entirely on student
donations from bake sales that we run from
time to time, usually 2-3 times a semester.
So, be on the look-out for a tasty way to
support a student-run satirical newspaper.
BP stated very recently that the size of
the well is unknown, and may take up to
four minutes to drain. Congress would not
accept this great of a length of time, and
demands that a solution be found. BP has
come up with various methods to stop the
spill:
“Unfortunately the pipe spouting the
liquid is very small, which takes out
the option of stopping the flow. The
only option left is to return the pipe to
a safe position that would allow the rig,
called the ‘Toilet’, to effectively collect
the remaining fluid in the well. The first
option would be for the ‘wife’ vessel
to correct the flow; we are calling this
method the ‘Wife Kill’. If that method
is ineffective, another method, the
‘Mommy Kill’ will be attempted. ”
The new BP America CEO, Bob Dudley,
has announced that a “Paper Towel
Method” will be used to clean the already
present spill:
“The Paper Towel method is a very effective
procedure which was used two weeks ago
by myself in dealing with my three year
during his own exercise in stopping such
a leak, but it has never been attempted
with such a large spill. If the Paper Towel
method fails the ‘Sponge method’ will be
attempted. The doorway is also being lined
with bags of kitty litter as we speak, to
prevent the fields of carpet fiber that lay
beyond the doorway’s coastline from being
affected. Rest assured we will fix this, we
do not want to be known as B-Pee-Pee.”
***