Green christmas trees:

Transcription

december 2009
In this month’s issue:
R e d n e c k
M a g a z i n e
f o r
Q u a r t e r l y
R e d n e c k s
e v e r y w h e r e
They’re not what you think
A new Redneck carol:
it’s a christmas song,
not another chick you moron
Green christmas trees:
Is there any other kind, why is this an article?
LAW&
ODER
There is a table of contents this month too!
News and social briefs, whatever happend to
just plain old boxers?
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
LAW&
ODER
Page 14
page 11
page 6
10 must have gifts for
the holidays page 3
Redneck Carols page 4
Christmas Trees page 5
Social news page 8
page 2 www.redneckquarterly.com
www.controlleddetonation.com
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
10 must have gifts for the Holidays
1. Palm Pilot
These are great! Can
be used for simple
reminders to get
beer and test
answers!
3. Hot tub
No longer for those uppity Hollywood Type-A
holes. You can now get
your own hot tub for
your back yard parties.
These are also good for
carnival relations times
with the misses if ya
know what I mean.
2. Mullet in a cap
This is great for those that can’t
afford one of those uppity hair
transplants. This is also great for
those bad mullet days or when you
just don’t feel like changing the oil!
4. Tape Measure
When you just need a tape measure quickly, empty or
full beer cans are a great standardized form of measurement. This gift can also spawn another gift to be
seen on this list.
5. decorative door bell
These show a touch of class to
any home. They let visitors to your
home know that you have a touch
sophistication that is above others.
These come in other styles to suit
your home decor.
7. Pet Carrier
These come in many
styles and decorations.
You can get one of these
at the same time you
purchase a tape measure.
9. riding lawnmover
These can help any yard
look great and saves
the home owner time
& get back to watching
the race sooner.
6. high rise home
This shows that you have
truly arrived in your own.
Removing the wheels also
adds a touch of distinction
and sophistication. Adding
the decorative door bell to
this is a great touch.
8. Back waxing
To support your
favorite driver
during the race.
nothing else
shows your
loyalty like this.
Nuff said!
10. Back Yard Pool
While installing pools can be quite expensive, they add to value
of your mobile home. They are great for entertaining friends
and family alike. This combined with the hot tub will show your
friends that your have an aire of sofisticated distinktion that will
be sure to impress any visitor to your home. If you get behind in
your laundry, you can also use these to wash all your clothes in
one shot.
Controlled Detonation Publishing
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
Redneck Caroling
It is that time of year again. To go kick back a few cold
ones and then think it would be a nice to go and sing
for all the others in your trailer park. To add to this
time honered an hawspicious act, we have written
what we feel is going to be a new traditional song
in your repotwahs in your suposotorys of musical
awnsawmbles. We tested this a few focus groups at
a couple tracks during the big races and we feel this
will be a great addition to your musical songs during
Christmas. We hope you enjoy our new song,
Spanky the Tireman.
Spanky the tireman was a redneck so they said,
With whitewall eyes and a beer can nose
And two P225 50R16 steel belted radials for a head
Spanky the tireman is a NASCAR fan y’all,
With his #3 hat and a case of beer
and a big mouth full of chaw.
There must have been some magic in that
dip they got from Sis
For when they put it in his mouth
He said “hold my beer andwatch this”.
O, Spanky the tireman
though he dressed like me or you,
with his Dickies coveralls and flannel shirt
still made the cover of RQ.
Thumpetty thump thump,Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Roscoe hunt for deer.
Thumpetty thump thump,Thumpety thump thump,
While he drinks his Bentz Malt Liquor beer
Well, that is the song. we hope you find it as enjoyable as we did after several cases of the good stuff. We
put a lot of effort into that and that’s our story and we
are sticking to it like Dale Earnhardt Junior in turn 3
at Talladega in the number 88 National Guard Chevy
running against that Infidel Jeff Gordan in the number
24 Dupont Rainbow Warrior Chevy.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
Christmas Trees for Christmas
T
his is that time of year it is tradtional to go out
to one of the land owners deer postings and
chop down a tree for Christmas to decorate your
trailer for Christmas.
That usually means having to get dressed if you
have to go on one of the paved roads. Then once
you get there, you have to try and remember where
you saw that tree in the dark while you were spot
lighting and trying to hide from the warden.
With all of this going on you may have forgot to
remember where that spot was. And then once even
you finally get there, you may just get there in time
to see Cletus cutting down the tree you were trying
to remember how to find.
Then your options, that means choices, are restricted to a few choices. One is you could go down
to the Wal-Mart and buy one of those fake looking
trees with the lights already installed. But waiting
until Christmas Eve when they go on sale can put a
damper on the Christmas Spirit in your home.
Redneck for the Holidays
You do have a few options,
that means choices, when
it comes to alternative
Christmas Tree choices.
One is to recycle and be
green and we aren’t really
talking about the color of
the tree. Although good
taste and decorum dictates
that the tree should really
be green but that is not
what we are talking about.
Green means to recycle
but that is another story.
We will run seperate
stories on on what Green
and recycle means in
another issue.
Other options, that
means choices,
are to recycle, that
means turn your
trash in to something artsy fartsy.
And finally we get
to the point of the
story that maybe
should have ben in
the block of words
on the beginning
of this page.
Althose coke cans
that are still on
the coffee table can be used. I wonder how they don’t
call it the coke table. Green cans giver a traditional
color. Well I guess it cause we don’t want all that
Hollywood white trash coming to our trailer. But I
digress. That means I started talking about something
else instead of telling you about the coke cans on what
would otherwise be a coke table.
Get an old broom handle or that rusty pipe under the
trailer you replaced last fall and left in the burn pit.
Get some duck tape. I ain’t caught one duck tape with
that crap. That stuff is false advertising. But it is good
for fixing crap that other crap won’t fix. Anyway, I
digressed again on the duck tape.
I will try again. Get some duck tape, that rusty pipe
and some baling wire. Ram the wire through the coke
can and then duck tapem to the pipe. Drill a hole in
the floor so the pipe will stand up.
You can also take those beer bottles of the coffee table. I wonder how come they don’t call it the beer table. Get althose beer bottles, putem in a circle and the
cut the top off a spool and lay it on top of the bottles.
Then repeat, only use less bottles and a smaller spool
each new layer. Do this until you can only put one
bottle on the top. Cut a hole in the roof if you made
your base too big. And finally, use green beer bottles.
Brown bottles make the tree look dead. RQ
Have a merry redneck christmas y’all!
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
You may think this truck looks fast. Well, it is faster
than your standard Peterbuilt, Kenworth, Mack or
International Harvestor. I tell you what.
caught the beer in my mouth. No beer was wasted or
harmed in the taking of this picture or writing of this
story. Please no one from PETB contact me on this.
It has a 454 hemi with four on the floor, a blower,
nitrous, a BMF inside and three methane powered
burrito jets on the back. That is not really that impressive though.
Although one woman did
have her hair caught on
fire as one of the truck
parts flew past her beehive. She was able to find
a beer bucket before the
flames reached her real
hair. She was going to sue the driver but her attorney
did not feel like she had really suffered any emotional
duress and was just faking it to get the truck in a lawsuit since she could not beat him on the track. Losing
the race was a big deal but she can buy another beehive hairdoo to replace the one that left lay in senders
on the runway.
This race was on a Nevada air strip. Now look at the
picture again. You see that fire and smoke, well the
other truck took off so fast it set the runway on fire.
When we say he burn’t rubber. We really mean it.
Those flames on the runway are whats left over from
his tires.
We are able to tell what the loser has in his truck
because he is still living. The other driver may be
living but we are not sure. We learned a lesson in all
of this about life. Interview the drivers before the
race in case they don’t survive. It just goes to prove
how prosthethic the words, “Hold my beer and watch
this”, can be.
While the race was an even match until the green
lights on the Christmas tree lit up, the one at the
drag strip, not in your house. When the light went
green, there was a tremendous explosion or something. I was only able to get this amazingly framed
photo as I was falling backwards trying to prevent
spilling my beer. Some beer did accidently come
out of my can but I used my dog as inspiration and
pretended I was my dog and I had just thrown him a
bone and I
That poor driver in the other vehicle, however, the
last thing to go through his mind may have been his
windshield.
The next race did not go much
better. Billy Jim Bob Ray Smith’s
truck exploded during the race
when truck collided with an
immovable object on the course. That means you can’t
move it, maybe someone else could have though.
Anyway he collided with the object. The object was
destroyed but amazingly on a little bit of Billy Jim Bob
Ray Smith’s front quarter panel was damaged. He was
able to finish the race but his time was so bad, he did
not make it into the qualification heats.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
Fortunately the paramedics were standing by in both instances.
But unfortanutely the driver was in a lawn mower race. They
thought about switching the driver during the next number 5
Fendrickson Lawnboy Racer pit stop but MOWCAR has strict
rules on driver swaps during the pit. They are leading in the
standings this year and felt like they owed to the sponsors to
stay in the race.
Ironically, this would be the last photo of the day the number 5
Fendrickson Lawnboy Racer. The lug nuts were not put on very
tightly and the number 5 Fendrickson Lawnboy Racer spun out
of control into turn two at Mowes Motor Speedway.
The blade was engaged while passing another racer which is
against rules for this race lawn. The restricter blade somehow
was not inspected before the race. There is some foul play with
track officials expected to be revealed during the investigation.
The blade flew off the racer when it over turned and dislodged
from the tractor and became a projectile. That means it was
projected from the racer and was flying through the air.
The blade took out three coolers belonging to four spectators
and caused the same four spectators to drop the nine beers
they were holding. The spectators were not at fault for this spillage but MOWCAR did fine Team Fendrickson 10 cases of Bud
Light, 2 Kegs of Busch and demand they remove two stickers off
their mower during the next race.
The driver of the exploding truck however
did not completely escape danger. After
extingishing the blaze on his truck, he found
that he had left his cooler on his truck againt
TOWTRUCK rules of engagement.
The cooler melted around the remaining
cans and bottles of beer. After the fire was
extinshed, rescuers did attempt to extract
the cans and bottles using the BEERS OF
LIFE.
The effort was unsuccessful and the beer got
warm during the rescue effort. They did try
to rehab the beer but it just did not work.
Someone who tried it said it was worthless
and it tasted like that fancy import crap. The
crowd was stunned that someone knew
what that fancy import crap tasted like.
The driver of the wrecked truck was driven
to Mercyless Regional Medical Center. Where
upon arrival they found nothing wrong but
sent him home with a $12K bill.
RQ
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
Red Bocephues recently won the Georiga Lottery. He says
the money has not changed him any. However, as you can
see, Red now has a car parked in front of his trailer instead of
the 81’ Ford 150 he used to have. But however, who are we
to judge. Whats the point of winning if you can’t enjoy it. He
spent all the money on the car, so he wants all his relatives to
know, he ain’t got no money.
Booger Ray has recently opened a new body shop. He would like
everyone to know. He has said that if you come and mention this
ad, he will give you two 12 packs or $15 dollars (whichever is less)
off your next repair. Here is an example o fhis fine work. When
car came in, it had no passenger door. The car owner only had 5
12-paks of Willer Lite. Floyd worked a deal with the owner and you
can see the fine work here.
The rarely seen Burger Queen made an appearance in town this week.
Here seen with her sister Burger Princess Constipatia are seen about
town at a competitors eating establishment, who gracefully provided a
cup with no logos on on it. But we will give you a hint, the restaurant has
two bridges out front. Later we found that was not a cup. It was a new
high tech coozi the chain was trying out. They figured that if was seen in
pubic, it would be better to be seen at the other place so no one would
suspect they were trying out something new. However, when the drink
was removed, they found the drink to be completely frozen. Maybe she
is just frigid. We can’t help but notice Constipatia appears thirsty in this
photo.
We have no caption for this man. We cannot tell if he is in a pie eating contest
or thought that maybe whip cream and powered surgar would be good on
spaghetti. Then we wondered if maybe he had been bit by his dog who did
not have his tri-annual rabies shot. At any rate, we have prayed for this man
and hope he finds the care he desperately needs.
Razorback Football
Out of all the Dick/Nutt jokes we
have heard over the years, finally
one writes itself, literally. If Casey’s
lil bro had been in the frame, I
guess people would think the camera was stuttering.
Well it would be an issue of RQ without a picture of my duck dog Bubba. Here he
is in all his glory, smiling for the camera. He had plenty to smile about here. I am
just not sure what. Whenever he’s got that cheese eatin grin on his face, I know
he’s been up to no good. Last time he had that look, I caught him with that bitch
down the street again. Bubba, I will find out what you are up to.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
RedNeck Santa
We cuaght santa out road tessting the new reindeer. Later on
we test out the new John Deer. The test went rather well. The
reindeer attracted other deer in the area. Spotlighting was not
needed. Only a few people recieved minor flesh wounds ricocheted off the water and went in a port-a-jon across the lake.
Santa should not get stuck in the bogs this year.
Don’t Taj-Mah-Beer
We recently found the Don’t Taj-Mah-Beer. You
have to go take your family to see this. The
collection of velvet Elvis’s is just simply amazing. In the Mezzanine there is a shrine to Dale
Earnhardt Sr, that will just take your breath
away. There is some sort of pond out back
with a lot of flowers and fish. We caught a 12
pound bass and had it stuffed by the motel
taxidermist. The fish and taxidermy cost was
very reasonable. RQ recommends you take
your family to this memorbable spot.
Long
wedding
Betty Jo Sue Bob Smith got hitched to John Wayne Earnhardt Sr Keith Waltrip
Moore last week. The couple is going to hifenate their name so the couple
will now be known as the Jo Sue Bob Smith-Wayne Earnhardt Sr Keith Waltrip
Moore’s. As you can see by the photo. The bride had a lovely kegger in liew of a
reception which turned out to be quiet tastefully done. All was going well until
Rufus Murdock had a little too much too drink and accidentally brought out the
bowling ball for the beer pong tornament on the brides new glass coffee table.
I wonder how come they don’t call it the beer pong table. Oh yeah cause Rufus
bowling ball went crashing through it. Thanks Rufus for killing the party. What a
buzz kill.
Alabama Harely’s
Alabama recently got it’s first Harely Shop. Expecting quite a few
sales in Alabama, Harely unveiled a new model called the Fat Log
Boy. The first one in Birmingham was proudly displayed. Unfortunately, it was shortly stolen when it was left unattended. The
thieves are now suing the bike owner because while they were
riding the bike, one of the wheels came off and the thieves crashed
into a local cess pool.
New Deer’s
Not to be out done in Alabama, Jon-Deer fearing a loss of revenue
to Harely’s new store came out with there own Chopper that will
not only chop but will also mulch, bag and look cool while cruzing
down the dirt roads. We road tested this thing. It is not up to the
usual standards that you would expect from Jon-Deer. But as with
any first generation item like the farley kids will take a little time to
work out all the issues. In time, this may be a fine addition to your
transportation needs.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
Fallujahpalopbamboom - CSM Rufus and
Chaplain Dirtbag recently returned
from a 3 hour tour to Tahjfreikasthan
safe and sound. The convoy they were
traveling in encountered a record
amount of IEDs. Amazingly, CSM
Rufus spotted them all 5 miles away
and called in route clearance prior to
arrival. Rufus said, “It was just enough
to make your hair stand on ends.” Dirtbag agreed saying it was scary enough
she felt her upper lip tingling more
and more as they passed each IED.
One IED did go off close to the soldiers
but were unharmed. CSM Rufus was
carrying a copy of RQ which may have
saved thier lives. Rufus said it was so
full of crap, it must have absorbed the
entire blast.
Crack Team of Red
Neck Commandos
Headed to Afghanistan.
By Sgt Mike Thornton
The Pentagon has announced
that members of the elite United
States Red Neck Special forces,
1st brigade will be deployed to
Afghanistan as part of President
Obama’s Troop Surge.
According to a senior Pentagon
official, who did not want to be
indentified said, ” These Redneck
commandos will bring a whole heap of ass
whoopin’ on the enemy.”
Red Neck 1st Brigade Commander Colonel
Cletus, who only uses his first name when
talking to the press, praised the battle skills
of his men. Cletus said, “These good ole
boys are honest to God combat multipliers;
they’re like Rambo wearing wranglers.”
Some of the crucial skills that Cletus said his
men bring to the battlefield include expert
marksmanship, camouflage expertise, irregular warfare, survival training and driving
around in circles really fast.
Brigade Sgt Major Jim-Bob, who also only
uses one name, thinks that the unique life
histories of the 1st Redneck Brigade have
prepared them to take on Al-Qaida
and the Taliban. “We had been
feuding with each other and the
federal government for over 200
years. We know all the dirty tricks
and we ain’t afraid to use ‘em.”
The 3000 man strong Brigade
headquartered at Camp Pike,
Arkansas, will deploy in January to
southern Afghanistan, where Taliban and al-Qaida insurgents have
escalated attacks and repeatedly
attempted to seize territory over
the past year.
The deployment is to last a year,
but Cletus and Jim-Bob don’t
think it will take that long. “After I
told my men that those
Taliban fellas hate beer,
won’t let young ladies
wear tight fittin’ cut off
shorts and that Osama
Bin-Laden was not only
behind the 9-11 attacks
, but also is personally
responsible for the Death
of Dale Earnhardt , they
was real fired up”, Cletus
said.
“This whole thing could
be over by Groundhog
Day, Jim-Bob said.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
My Chu for the first 60 days until I realized
I could do something different with my CHU.
I kept my bags outside. Finally someone told
me I could bring them in, but when I went to
go get my stuff, it was gone. Funny though,
cause after that, everyone in my trailerhood
was wearing new stuff.
Well, with the exception of basic
training, we have llived in a
trailer our whole lives. Granted
we don’t have the ten foil for
the windows, or the abandon
rusty car ornamaments out
front, unless you live in H7-A.
one eye open and then goes
back to sleep. But that is
another story. I decided to be
nice to him one night and check
to make sure he had one eye
open. I could not tell so I got
real close to check..
That does not mean that you
have to live like the uncivilized,
untoothed, neospornal. I will
show you how in a few simple
steps how to Pimp your Redneck Chu in style.
He opened one eye and let out a
holler I ain’t never heard before.
He was real grumpy the next
morning while he was taking his
bed covers to the laundry folks.
And those jokers, I can’t understand a lick there saying. Sometimes I think they are talking a
foreign language.
In the first photo, you can see
my Chu when I first arrived. It
was the best trailer I had ever
seen. And Bonus, It only had
one other person in it. He was
very nice to. He told me I better
sleep with one eye open to
make sure nothing happened
while I was sleeping. He is very
concerned about me. He comes
over a couple of times each
night to make sure I have
But anyway, I guess I should talk
about my CHU and not my CHU
mate. So the first thing I did was
create a scam to steal the toliet
seats out of the building with no
one noticing. I took all the toliet
seats and not one. See that way
everyone thinks the 1SG did it,
the 1SG thinks the CSM had it
done, the CDR thinks the 1SG
did it and no one thinks anything about it. I don’t see what
the big deal about a wet CHU
is. It just stinks after a while and
you got a fancy seat is all. I will
just keep going to the outhouse.
If it is good for home, it is good
enough for here. Maybe I should
have cut a hole in the floor.
Then when I did decorate my
CHU, I decided to go all out but
quickly grew unhappy with the
poshness.
So I start deciding what I
wanted to do next. I watched
one of the local subtitled show
called “Pimp My Bicycle”. I
decided if they could pimpacize
their bicycle, I could pimpacize
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
my CHU. I first decided to get
some internet and found none
here, so I had to impoverish a
way to get internet. So I found
out they got satalight dishes
here too.
So I got
one. I also
needed
a dog
to tie to
the front
porch. But
my porch
ain’t big
enough
fit one of
the Chihooahwoahs
underneath. I can’t have a dog
anyway. Not that I would ever
want a little dog like that. I
should write my Congressman
about not being able to have a
dog.
December 2009
it.
Next I decided, I need more space in my CHU. I have jacked up
enough trucks, I decided, I could jack up my bed too. That probably
sounded bad. So at the risk of preventing abstract humiliation let
me rephrase to a more techinical term. I installed a lift kit on my
bed. Dang, that sounds bad too. I guess any sentence with those
two keywords in it is going to sound bad so just look at the pictures. Heck, that sounds bad too.
As you can see the horizontal slumber device is elevated a few feet
off the floor. This provides additional space to move about my CHU
and I have a desk to write
my column in. I think I was
supposed to give more of a
detailied descritption of how
to pimpacize the CHU but I
forgot and I am out of space
now, except for the space
below this paragraph. You
So not being able to have a dog,
have seen the progression of
I had to settle for a box. You can
development of my CHU. I will
see a picture of box guarding
just post final pictures so you can see the transformation. I know it
the satalight dish. He is a very
departs from trailerpark standards, but I think I works. I can sleep
lazy box though. In the photo
my whole family in the fouryir if neccessary. I did have to evict my
above you can see he is laying
CHUmate and DU-CHUPlex neighbors, but I think you will see It
down sleeping. He would not sit was all worth the effort.
up for the photo.
I quickly got the
dish up and running. Years of
practice at home
helped. I was able
to research more on
pimping my chu to be pimped
out.
I also scrounged alot. People
throw away some good stuff
here. I got tupperware out of
the dumpster and it was still
good. Of course I ain’t ever seen
tupperware that had shelves in
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
Y’all, this is what is known as a PSA or a public service announcement. And Momma’s, please
let your babies grow up to be cowboys and not this guy below. I bet this guy grew up thinking Dirty Harry is the palm of his hands. I mean look at this guy, if you ever just felt like you
needed to tell someone, your mother dressed you funny this morning, this would be the
guy. I can re-eaterate enough, DON’T BE THAT GUY! At least with a traditional walk of shame,
unless your a Tiger Woods chick and then it is a walk of fame. But I digressed again. Well,
maybe I didn’t, maybe that is a chick, which would lead to a whole new type of PSA. But anyway a regular walk of shame only lasts for as long as the trailerpark drive is, but this guy apparently takes walk of shame to Ground Hog Day Demensions. Momma’s please make your
babies grow up to be cowboys. Make’m learn how to drive them old trucks and play guitars
and such and send home tickets to the PBR Championships.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
December 2009
LAW&
ODER
REDNECK LEGAL ADVICE
Dear Barely Pass the Bar:
On our eight year anniversary I asked my wife what she
wanted and she said a divorce. I knew I couldn’t afford
that so I bought one of them there computer programs
with legal documents on it, including divorce papers.
Well, just the other day a sheriff came out and served
them there papers on me. I thought he was there to
tell me I got caught looking in the neighbors’ windows
again. At least my wife got what she wanted and I didn’t
get arrested. I have a few questions about this here
divorce process and thought you might be able to help
me. Since my wife is also my sister and she has an order
of protection on me as her husband, does that mean
the order of protection is no good for when we will be
together at things for family events like Christmas? I
mean, she got the order against me as her husband, not
as her brother. And what about if she gets full custody
of the kids? I mean, since I’m also their uncle, does
that mean I don’t have to pay child support or does it
mean that I have a better chance of visitation? And is it
possible that we just split the double wide in half, so we
each have a place of our own?
--Toothless and Wifeless But Not Sisterless in Hickville
Dear Toothless:
You pose some pretty interesting questions, but believe
me, these aren’t the first time these questions have
been asked in Arkansas. In fact, there’s a case, Joe Bob
v. Billy-Jo Bob, that is very similar to yours that we can
use as guidance for your profound legal questions. In
that case, a brother and sister married and had children.
The wife/sister sought an order of protection against
her husband/brother. In the paperwork for the order
of protection the wife/sister listed the aggressor as her
husband. The court held that the order is only effective
against the husband in his capacity as husband because
that was the relationship status she put on the paperwork. Check the order of protection and see how you
are listed. If you are listed as just husband, then you can
attend family functions in your capacity as her brother
and not violate the order of protection. The court also
held, however, that the husband is responsible for child
support even though he is also the children’s uncle. In
fact, the court made him pay double the statutory child
support obligation because of it. Being the children’s uncle gives you no more rights for visitation, as your wife
is also their aunt. As far as your double wide trailer, you
can cut the trailer in half (I’ve seen it done), but then
you’d also have to cut the title in half so you each legally
As a part of RQ’s effort to bring barely legal
advice and planning to our readership, (we
have a ship?) we have out sourced, that
means our guys are too expensive to use.
I find that absolutely amazing in this case
but I digress which means I was distracted.
Here is some probably barely legal advice
from some people that would except what
we were willing pay. We are glad they accept
checks.
own one half of the trailer. I hope this helps.
The local radio station was having a Hog Hollerin’ Contest where you blindfold your wife and see if she can
come to you by hollerin’ at her. I won and got two free
tickets to the NASCAR race. I promised my buddy Dilbert
he’d get one of the tickets if I won. My wife is mad
‘cause she thinks she should get the other free ticket
since she’s the one who did all the work in the contest.
I don’t know what to do. I want me and my buddy to go
because we’d have a better time. Do I have a legal contract with Dilbert for promising him the ticket if I won
and does my wife have legal standing to demand one of
the tickets?
--Hollerin’ Hog Winner
Dear Hog Winner:
Here in Arkansas a man’s word is as good as a handshake. You have a binding contract with your friend
Dilbert, unless you were crossing your fingers when you
promised him the ticket. The legal issue with your wife
is a little more interesting and complex. Since she was a
participant in the contest too, then she has an expectation and right to one of the tickets. However, her participation in the contest was more as a role of property
(i.e., livestock) and not as wife, since she was pretending to be a hog. Hogs have no legal standing in Arkansas
(you are lucky you don’t live in Kentucky where hogs
do have legal standing). Therefore, she is not legally
entitled to a ticket. You and your friend can enjoy the
NASCAR race together.
I went to a garage sale and there was no garage for sale.
Can I sue for false advertisement?
--Darryl on Fifth Street in the Doublewide
Dear Doublewide Darryl:
I know the area where you leave and my guess is that
you went to a garage sale at a trailer park, which everyone knows there aren’t any garages in a trailer park. All
they have are carports. So you should have known there
was no garage for sale. The same goes for a Flea Market.
Don’t expect to buy any fleas there either. You cannot
sue for false advertisement.
rEDNECK qUARTERLY
WashBoard Hero
from the makers of
They got stars in their eyes

Green christmas trees:

Transcription

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